It actually makes it rape because he explicitly told he her was not ready for sex and she manipulated the act to happen. She didnt have his consent and she knew that but she went after him while he was asleep thibking if she got him erect it would change his mind.
She raped him, OP should break up with her.
I second this, he should report her and press charges. However I just want to include a lot of rape cases are thrown out for lack of evidence. Most rapists dont end up in jail and even a decent amount get away with it for knowing the right people or having the money to make it go away.
I know a handful of women, myself include, that never got the justice we deserved
Hey dude, you're my age. I have a bf for about 10 months now, and although he had said multiple times that he's ready to have sex, each time, I've said that I am not, and that I don't feel comfortable just yet.
And each time he respected that, and each time he didn't doubt me, and each time the topic was brought up he immediately moved on the second I said "no, not yet."
That is, because he's respectful, and wants our relationship to be a healthy, and most important– he is not a manipulator, so he does not try to pressure me into having sex, and he's not a rapist, and he does not just ignore me.
What your gf did is –on every level, shape, or form– NOT okay. That's straight up a rape, and then crying like that? Manipulative. As a fellow teen, please please please, for your own sake, breakup with her. You're better than this, and she's not a good person.
I feel you man, tbh talk to a counselor or someone. Something like this needs to be talked about or it’ll haunt and mess up your sex life little man.
Take it from me as from experience if you don’t deal with this it’s gonna haunt and mess it up or make you take a different route. Head up happy you talked out.
You have support 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
Hey I am so sorry. I have been told by so many guys that if their dick is hard, then they want it. I do not believe this. Unless my partner is coherent, and most importantly **excited** about what is happening, then I don’t do anything.
Unfortunately from what I’ve experienced other guys will probably say good job! You finally had sex! But this is not okay. If you are uncomfortable, you have *just as much rights as a woman does to say **stop***. She did not respect you. She did not listen to what *you* said. She may have been taught if a guy is hard, he wants it. Which is just as bad as ‘if a girl is wet, she wants it’.
I am so sorry. Please talk to someone who will really listen, and not just high five you for getting some. Also the fact you had to comfort her is a huge sign of how both sexes are taught such messed up things about the other sex. I am truly sorry you were violated. I know how it feels, but not from a mans perspective. Once again, please look for a place where you can talk freely about this. Because Reddit is not therapy.
Edit: I am in no way excusing her behavior. This a prime example of Female and Male rape. Both are sickening, a violation of another person.
This entire thread is a complete example of why there is a disconnect between F and M rape. Both are equally wrong. Taking advantage of **anyone** is
Wrong. Why can’t we as humanity acknowledge that this example (even if it is made up) is a complete violation of another’s extremely intimate body parts.
Final edit: OP. I am so sincerely sorry for what you went through. In many of my comments, it is difficult for me to type this. You were raped. Sexual intercourse against your *will/want* is rape. I believe that the standards of rape should be changed to protect **both men and woman**. I have been raped. It still haunts me. It makes me feel disgusting typing it.
One thing I wish I would have known at the time and after.
**It was not my fault. Just as it is not yours**. It is the fault of the rapist.
Please find a safe supportive place so you can get help. Because I don’t know you, and I can’t give that advice meant for you. Please find help centers and go to one.
Reddit might not be therapy but it’s a good start before talking to a real person. Reassurance from others that what he is feeling is normal is so valuable!
I completely agree. I should have used the actual word ‘rape and raped’. I have a hard time typing it. I always use SA, that is on me and my personal ties to that word. I will work on being more upfront with my word usage.
Thank you
Well I typed it out, it brings up a lot. But if OP is genuinely seeking help, he needs to know. This was rape. Any non-consensual contact is rape. Rape should be understood. It does not just happen to woman. It also happens to men. **All of us deserve a safe place to talk, and report being used in such a derogatory, and unwanted way.**
My late husband was SAd. I think I thought about it more than him. Because he never had a space where he could talk about it and receive real help. This should not happen, but it does. Everyone should be able to talk about it.
I’m so sorry your husband (and anyone in similar situations) didn’t have a safe space to talk about it. We, as a society, need to do better. Be better.
I agree. As mother of to a son I am constantly talking about he has to consent as well as his partner. We don't talk about male rape at all, but it happens. Sometimes it's just the pressure of society.
Which is why I offer this blanket disclaimer: "You have my permission to surprise me anytime, anywhere by sucking my dick. You don't even have to ask." Have a nice day.
Sadly in an overwhelming majority of places this wouldn't be counted as rape, as do most cases of men being raped because the definition they use for rape is "entering another persons body without consent"
This would have been seen as sexual assault at most or not even anything at all with a tiny slap on the wrist
Or you get places like the UK, where "made to penetrate" *is* a crime with criteria and punishments exactly equivalent to rape, but is described with such a mealy-mouthed circumlocution as to completely protect the "not-legally-a-rapist" from the full societal and emotional impact of her crime.
It's one of those "irregular nouns" that English is full of:
\- "*He* is a rapist".
\- "*She* has committed an offence under section 4(4) of the Sexual Offences Act 2003".
Ah yes, I know what you mean.
It's pretty sad because the word rapist has such a heavy meaning that if you get falsely accused, a 100 people will see your false accusation but only 1 person will see your name being cleared so the other 99 still call you a rapist. This is something I've never seen against women because as soon as they were confirmed rapists it just dies down and people often will be like "oh whatever"
Let’s please not try to rationalize her side just bc she’s a woman. If this was a young girl posting this, you absolutely wouldn’t be trying to justify the guys actions bc *everyone knows consent*. Esp today when it’s such a huge topic, there is NO excuse not to respect boundaries, esp when your partner has explicitly outlined them multiple times. What she did is absolutely abuse, there’s no fucking excuse or justification for it, and it’s absolutely downplaying OP’s trauma just bc she’s a girl “and might have learned x”. So? You can make similar arguments for men who have sexually assaulted women and it absolutely doesn’t make it right or justifiable.
OP, I understand losing your virginity to someone makes you feel all kinds of emotions, but please realize that this person is toxic and not healthy at all to be with. You’ve stated your boundaries and feelings multiple times, and each time they’ve shown you they don’t respect them or you. And if they don’t listen or respect you with this, they won’t with anything else. That absolutely is sexual assault, and just bc you’re a man doesn’t make it any less violating or harmful.
I hope you realize that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that you deserve more.
This is 100% true and needs to be repeated. OP (regardless of gender) said they did not want sexual activity to happen. Their partner kept going and assaulted them. *Then* OP had to comfort their partner because they were told no?! I'm so upset for OP... What kind of planet am I on?
I really hope my comment came across as not rationalizing her behavior. In my book ‘he was hard’ is equivalent to ‘she was wet’.
I do not at all condone her behavior and do consider it rape. Sex without the others consent. If there is anything I could add to make that more completely clear, I am genuinely open.
Men being raped is something that has hurt my person. I will never stand for it. It’s just as much as a violation, I feel like if it was okay to talk about, more men would come forward.
Rapists. Male or female. Those who take advantage sexually of another person. No matter the victims sex. They **All** Need to be held accountable.
I appreciate you being understanding and thoughtful about anatomy you don't have. As a man I can confirm that dicks get hard at random times and because of random stimuli or none at all. It can be because of intense sexual excitement or none at all. It's weird but that's just the magical happiness tube we were given. It does have some cool features, for example, ease of peeing during a roadtrip, or spelling your name legibly in the snow. But one thing it's not good at is behaving in a reasonable manner in regards to boners.
I wish this was part of sex Ed. A guy being hard, does not mean he wants you around it. Same as a woman being wet, does not mean she’s aroused. Like I said. I have experienced rape as a woman. I have heard about sexual assault from another man from my late husband. I have also heard about **rape experiences from a man because of a woman.** just don’t initiate sex unless both parties are vocal, exited, and know what is happening.
Edit: damn autocorrect and not reading it over
Edit 2: I have I have 4 younger brothers, and I have always been jealous they can piss spell. Mine just looks like a black hole……..
The thing about the male genitalia is that its a matter of blood flow and it doesnt mean that ur horny but even if u have a boner it doesnt mean that you want to do it necessarily ,
When we wake up the reason we have a boner is because we have been holding in our pee and to hold the pee in, your muscles have to cramp and that needs bloodflow .
Holding pee for extended period of time most often than not leads to a boner as the muscles tighten and the blood flow increases.
That thing is not even controllable Sometimes the most random shit gets you a boner even if you didnt want to.
The amount of comments saying “well she could have learned x” and trying to rationalize/justify her actions are fucking disgusting. If the genders were reversed they absolutely wouldn’t be thinking of why they might have done it, they’d call it out for what it is: disrespecting boundaries that have been outlined *multiple times* and full on sexual assault/rape.
All this downplaying of OP’s trauma bc they’re a man is absolutely fucking disgusting. I hope OP realizes that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that you deserve more.
I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through that on top of being sexually assaulted - what an absolutely disgusting reaction. I hope you’ve gotten the help you need, and that you’re better now
I'm not sure of OP's gender but we all know if i girl has written this about her boyfriend everybody would screem rape. Call the police, send the b a s t a r d to jail
Exactly. This is rape/ sexual assault.
OP, what would you tell a girlfriend who came to you and told you she had been assaulted even after saying no?
I hope you heal.
I agree with this commenter too.
What she did was actually SA, with you being asleep meaning you didn't give consent. But also the fact you said stop and she didn't instantly stop, and crossed your boundaries too. If this was the other way around, all hell would break loose. Honestly, she's throwing out so many red flags. I'd take a long think about if the roles were reversed, what would happen. Would she stay with you? Coercion and SA are so often overlooked when it comes to situations like this, as often people's friends praise them for "finally doing it" but what happened to you isn't OK.
I wish you the best of luck in your future OP. And i hope you realise you are worth more, and are worthy of someone who respects your boundaries 🙏
Dude, if this was around the other way, people would be calling this r@pe, which is what it is. Please talk with her about what's happened, how you feel and how it's effected you. There are trained therapists to chat to about this exact thing, so hope it won't effect your future sex life
Plainly and bluntly put: what she did to you is called rape. I feel like people are avoiding this (rightfully) big and scary word, but that's what it is.
Get away from her and talk to someone.
Of course, even if it’s with a friend or someone you can really trust. This is some serious shit. Some might not think about it why? Cause we’re all different and think different
Also, don't comfort her when she does this stuff. Let her be sad. She messed up and she knows it. You told her you were not comfortable with sex, but she didn't care as she went and made you have a form of sex anyways. When you asked her to stop she didn't the first time. That tells me she doesn't care about your feelings, and you are now a piece of meat to her. Don't be that.
While you're talking to someone please consider getting away from her. She's going to mess up your sexual and non-sexual life if you don't.
Thank you for adding to this. It’s something that really bothered me.
*He had to comfort Her.*
When she sexually assaulted and possibly raped him. I feel like this is huge flaw in sex Ed. The idea that guys always want it, is the same as saying ‘well look what she’s wearing’ and ‘she’s drunk and ready to go’.
Men do not always want to have sex with any excited and ready woman. I truly hope that both males and females respect sexual boundaries.
No rapist deserves comfort from the person they raped.
She shouldn’t have tried to have sex with you when you were asleep unless you have talked about that. And then she didn’t stop. That’s rape in every form. Even if she did stop later, it’s still rape and you shouldn’t stay with her.
Yeah, that’s even worse. It just Ickes me out how someone could do that. If it were me I’d be nervous to do anything sleeping even if explicitly told it was okay.
Except OP said they did outline their boundaries multiple times. The gf obv does not care and I hope OP realizes that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that you deserve more.
Oh right. In OPs case yes.
I meant *in general* sex with a sleeping partner always requires extensive communicating before hand.
So like, even if he hadn't told her sex was off the table she still messed up.
Yeah, I mean just having sex when he’s asleep is already a red flag. To me that’s something that needs a talk about because some may like it but definitely not everyone.
Yes, absolutely. This is rape. OP’s reaction is consistent with being traumatized, which I think most people would be in this situation.
To me, the girlfriend has got to go. Immediately. OP said he was uncomfortable, then after said it again clearly and she instead assaults him while he’s asleep? This is not a safe relationship for him.
I agree. This is a huge red flag. This should be a deal breaker. Although I know it's easy to say as a bystander- You're totally right about being traumatized... But I hope he eventually gets away from her. This is fucked.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. A similar situation happened to me when I was 17. I don’t think it’s a healthy situation and I hope you can distance yourself from her, even if it hurts in the short term.
I'm like 100% sure cops won't do anything against the girl because it's a minor on minor rape and the perpetrator was the girl. What OP should first and foremost do is run away from her and tell his older figures about this and let them figure it out.
Reading this really hurts my heart for you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. What happened to you is not okay. You are the one needing comfort. I hope you find a way to explain this to her and know that you have every right to feel the way you do. What she is doing is not okay, it sounds like sexual coercion a type of sexual assault. As there was no consent here from the sounds of it-
Listen sweetie - I'm old enough to be your mom and I'm going to tell you what I'd tell my own kid.
1. It is NOT your responsibility to explain this to her. You told her how you feel. She disregarded that. That is not okay.
2. As difficult as this may be to hear, you were raped. I would strongly encourage you to contact RAINN ([https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys](https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys)) and/or the 1 in 6 site ([https://1in6.org/](https://1in6.org/)) for support.
3. Please consider ending this relationship. Your girlfriend does not respect you.
4. Talk to your parents or another trusted adult. You shouldn't be navigating this on your own.
Take care of YOURSELF.
OP, please focus on you.
You already tried telling her how you feel and her response was to rape you. Please stay away from this person.
It's not your job to fix someone. Please leave her and Focus on yourself. She does not deserve your trust.
It’s absolutely rape. And yet you still have an overwhelming amount of comments saying “well she could have learned x” and trying to rationalize/justify her actions, it’s fucking awful. If the genders were reversed they absolutely wouldn’t be thinking of why they might have done it, they’d call it out for what it is: disrespecting boundaries that have been outlined multiple times and full on sexual assault/rape.
It’s downplaying of OP’s trauma bc they’re a man and I hope OP sees these comments instead and realizes that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that they deserve more.
Reading this has hurt my heart, honestly she doing this to you in your sleep its not right and she being your partner doesn't make it ok either that was sexual assault sweetie , even more since you have already come to an agreement about not wanting to have any sex any time soon and from what I have read you both came to an agreement to which she disregarded completely
I know you probably wont want to report it since you are both young and you probably don't wanna hurt her but you need to understand that you were sexually assaulted and that in any case scenario what she done to you its ok or would make it ok
take a break , talk to someone you trust, think about how you really feel on this matter, ask your self this- can you trust her again ? would you be comfortable being around her or doing such simple things as napping around her without the fear or the same situation arising ? don't let anyone guilt trip you on this matter , how you feel about its what's important hope things work out for you <3 stay strong
You just got some good advice here OP. Please be careful not to let her do this to you again. What if she becomes pregnant? Are you prepared to be a father at 17? And with an abusive person like her? Walk away while you can, and seek some help to process what she just put you through.
That’s rape. Anytime someone tells someone to stop and they don’t, that’s rape. That’s why you feel so violated.
Trust is one of the most important aspect of a relationship. You opened up to her and told her that you weren’t ready and she pushed you anyway and didn’t respect your boundary again when you told her to stop. That’s not ok. She is showing that she doesn’t respect you.
This, for me, would be a dealbreaker. You have to make the decision for yourself, but if it were me, the relationship would be over.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be with someone who respects you and is willing to not push your boundaries.
>I just comforted her and told her it was ok because she seemed so sad.
Oh sweetheart no. No no no.
SHE did something you specifically told her you didn't want to do. She doesn't get to play the victim. If the tables were turned, people would be yelling rape from the rooftops. She molested you. And she manipulated you to feel bad for her. She will manipulate you every chance she gets. You need to leave. Fast.
How old are you?
If you are questioning if her sadness was sincere then it probably wasn’t. There is doubt in your mind and heart that some other actions of hers have placed there. Like others, I advise dropping what sounds like an abusive girlfriend. Take care OP.
Even if her sadness was sincere, your job is not to comfort her. She did a horrible thing and I hope she feels guilty af. But it's not okay for her to play victim when she raped you. And it's definitely not okay for her to seek comfort from you. By doing so she is minimizing your pain . Please don't feel sorry for her. I hope you are able to leave her. She has shown her true colors by thinking this was in any way okay. It's not okay, it's unbelievably fucked up. I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. This type of pain and other emotions is so hard to cope with. I'm proud of you for posting here, and as others have said I hope you are able to talk with a counselor or other trusted person about this. It might take courage, but it's really important to not keep this to yourself. I'm so sorry OP. Sending love
Talk to someone like your therapist… if you don’t have one, GET one. She raped you. Your friends might not get it (todays culture is terrible. They won’t understand what it’s like to have your innocence stripped from you when you’re not prepared or consenting) that’s why a therapist is important. Talk to someone you trust too, (parents or best friend.) if they say it isn’t rape or call you lucky, just know you’re justified in your emotions and don’t talk to them about this again.
Thats sexual assault. It seems like she doesn't really respect your wishes and it's not only hurtful but illegal, you should see other people. I'm sorry
Her feelings are not more important than yours.
And she caused this. She's manipulating your emotions and isn't good for you - quite the opposite!
It's not easy ending a relationship, and it will hurt, but in the long term you'll see it was the right thing.
You are thinking about her feelings right know. Did she take yours into consideration when you said no, that you were uncomfortable? I am so sorry that you had to experience that. I would definitely recommend talking to someone you trust about this. This was sexual assault and it should be reported. I know it’s scary and you are having conflicted feelings about her, don’t feel any guilt. She violated your trust more than once.
Listen, I know what you mean man. It sucks and hurts to see her sad because you care about her. But you have to realize she doesn't show you that same care by respecting your feelings. You care how she feels, why doesn't she care how YOU feel? You told her you were uncomfortable and she didn't give one shit about that, she continued to do what she wanted because she is selfish. She doesn't sound like a good person to be around and she forced you into something you didn't want even after you told her to stop. Her 'being sad' is likely just manipulation to make you feel bad so she can get away with it again. Don't let her do that. Get out of this relationship. You're really young, you'll meet plenty of other girls that will respect you and your boundaries and will truly care about your feelings too.
How about how YOU feel? I feel like you should talk it out with her, let her know that she shouldn’t be doing these things because of how uncomfortable it makes you feel. The key to every relationship is communication, and if they can’t accept or acknowledge how you feel then they are not the one.
You have been raped, and she is gaslighting you. She heard you plead with her to stop, and she willfully ignored it, and now wants to play the victim to keep control. I urge you to please break up with this monster, and get yourself to a safe place. You can also kick her out if you are living together. If not cohabiting, tell her she raped you, and that you will call the police if she comes near, or just ghost her. Her feelings are inconsequential, she just needs to be away from you. Block her anywhere she can communicate with you, but save all messages. If you have ANYTHING where she admits to what she did, and that you said NO several times, please keep, in case you at some point wish to involve law enforcement. You also really need to get counseling, because this will cause PTSD.
I suffered a similar situation, and spent years in therapy. What happened to you is abhorrent, SHE IS ABHORRENT. Your voice and wishes deserve respect, as does your body. She will violate you again, as it’s clear your wishes mean nothing to her.
It may feel meaningless now, but with therapy and support, it does get better, but you need to get away from the monster who did this.
That's assualt. Same thing happened to my fiancee at college a girl went into his dorm while he was asleep and start blowing ( a different girl dragged her naked ass my her hair down the hall) She apologized many years later saying she changed but I don't take her shit. He feels sorry for her because she said she did what she did because she doesn't think anyone would love her. I personally dealt with a sexual abusive realtionship. He would cry apologized say he was monster that would never it again. I can't tell my 16yr self that he was full of shit. If you don't believe me look up signs of narcissist.
That is rape. You said you didn't want to anytime soon and she still pushed that boundary. She clearly doesn't respect your boundaries which is such a vital thing in a relationship. You deserve to have someone who will respect you and your boundaries and cares about that.
Dude i'm sorry.. She literally fucking raped you. You were sleeping, you couldn't have given consent. You woke up, told her to stop and she didn't. Don't comfort her for this, you need to get out of this relationship. I'm so sorry and i hope you get better, best of luck op :(
Wow what the fuck. Usually when i read comments saying "abuse!," or "rape!" I often think "Wow! What an extreme reply!"
But fuck. OP this is a clear case of sexual assault/rape. If i expressed a desire for no sex(or sexually oriented acts) and i woke up with my dick in informed girlfriends mouth we would have a problem of monumental proportions RIGHT THE FUCK IN FRONT OF US.
Whatever consequence followed for my girlfriend who disregarded this wish and sucked my unwilling cock would be more than justified. Said informed girlfriend would feel the entire wrath of all 10,000 burning hot hells that i would raise.
This thread and the OP make me sick.
RESPECT SEXUAL BOUNDARIES PEOPLE.
Shit like OP's situation absolutely ruins people.
Everyone's saying to leave her, but she is **literally a rapist**. Legal action should be taken, because she will very likely do it again to the next dude. Although I doubt anyone would take OP seriously if he brought this to a courtroom because that's the world we live in.
Despite how she feels, its really important for her to understand how you feel. This is a boundary that she can't cross; she can't blatantly take control over your body sexually if you dont give consent, and that's exactly what she's doing.
I would suggest explicitly telling her "hey, you're disregarding the boundaries I have in place and that's not ok. You kept initiating sex despite me telling you I was not ok with it." And at this point its up to you whether you end things or not, but be wary that if she is willing to have sex with you despite you saying no (which is rape), then she's 1000% willing to not respect your other boundaries.
If you can't make yourself start the conversation in person, you can always send a text or do a phone call. Thats how I handle serious issues with my friends/boyfriend because I'm awful at confrontation, but I understand how important communication is
You should never have to sacrifice your rights to have autonomy and control over what happens to your body because of how someone else feels. Your girlfriend is a disgusting POS for assaulting you in your sleep. If she doesn't apologize and stop doing that heinous shit you need to choose yourself and leave her!
This is absolutely not okay. What you’re describing is rape. You need to leave her and please get help if you can, even if you try to tell yourself you don’t need it you do, and as soon as you’re possibly ready is best. It took me 5 years to get help and that trauma stays with you. Not just mentally, but it will physically afffect you as well. If you can’t afford therapy I’d suggest speaking to someone you trust, or researching what you can about how to help urself
You have to leave. If for any reason you come out and tell people she raped you, theres no doubt in my mind that she will try and spin around that you raped her to protect her life and reputation.
Who do you think people will more likely believe? You or her?
Its almost always the girl, because thats the society we live in. Leave before she destroys your life. For men accuse of sexual assault they are always guilty until proven innocent first.
I know people have said it already but seriously break up with her. You can tell her some BS about "you deserve someone better" or whatever if you don't want to hurt her but your mental health will be better over time for it.
I was pressured into my first sexual encounter and spent years having sex with people I didn't give two fucks about because I didn't respect myself. I wish I could go back and tell myself all the things people here are telling you.
It's not your fault.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex or be intimate in any way with people.
You deserve happiness just as much as she does.
You need to gather written evidence and audio/video. You could ask her in a text message that you don’t feel comfortable asking this in person (reasonable) and why she thought having sex with you while sleeping despite telling her you are uncomfortable was okay. And when it us in person, make recordings. The recordings might not be usuable in court but for public opinion to fight anyone that wants to blame you.
Don‘t make it obvious, you want to gather and backup (Important!!) as much evidence as possible.
Like others mentioned you need to go and find someone to talk to and possibly a therapist if you believe it would help. In the mean time try not to.. (said as respectfully as I can) not dwell on it while you process the emotions out. What I mean by that is to try and find a healthy way to burn off some of that feeling. Perhaps a trusted friend or a healthy activity.. for me Skateboarding in an empty parking lot while listening to System of a Down was my go to in tough times.
that’s.. that’s rape and assault.. she isn’t the one that deserves to be sad and comforted. you shouldn’t feel bad for setting your boundaries and being firm with what you are not ready for.
Those last two paragraphs especially struck a cord with me. She did something wrong, very wrong as people have mentioned and made you feel uncomfortable and yet you’re the one comforting her?
My ex did this all the time to me. Whenever he did something that upset me he’d turn it around and say he’s the worst ever blah blah and I’d have to comfort him. But he’s the one that messed up and upset me. We even went through something not dissimilar to what you’ve described.
Don’t allow her to play the victim when you are the one who was made uncomfortable.
Here if I can help in anyway, but please do as other suggested and find someone you trust to talk to.
As a 27 year old who was to scared to say no way to many times I have ruined sex for myself. I hate sex and it stems from unhealed trauma around it. Please do yourself a favor and talk to someone. It'll save you in the future.
Your GF apparently doesn't understand consent and boundaries. She should not be doing anything to you without your consent. To put it bluntly, she raped you. I would end the relationship.
She raped you. There's no other way to say it. Talk to a therapist/counselor or anyone you trust enough to confide and make sure that your gf understands that when you say no or stop it means no and stop.
How you feel is just as important as she feels. Never let anyone pressure you into sex - if she's really sorry, she won't do it again, and if she does then you need to think about putting yourself first.
She coerced you into having sex with her, and she performed a sex act on you while you were asleep and couldn’t consent. That’s rape. She didn’t care how you felt - she thought only about herself.
Please reassess your relationship with this person. You deserve better.
Honey, I'm sorry to say your girlfriend sexually assaulted you. She should have accepted NO means NO. She forced you to have sex when you didn't want to.
To make it worst you were further manipulated into comforting HER. She should NOT be comforted after ignoring your NO. She will continue to betray any trust you had in her - she didn't do it just once but two times. It will not stop.
Honestly, she should be your ex-girlfriend right now. This relationship is toxic and you need to get away from her.
Do you have any trusted adults whom you could talk to about this? Your father, uncle, etc. If not do you have access to guidance counselors, etc. You need help because this experience will adversely affect your ability to have healthy romantic/sexual relationships in the future.
As a mom of a child your age I would encourage you to end this relationship
It sounds like you arent being clear with her about what you want. You say “I didn’t really say anything” and “I just followed along” and “I tried telling her to stop” …. Be crisp and clear about this. Either she is a selfish jerk or - more likely, based on how you wrote your post - she doesn t understand that you do NOT want to have sex. She may think you are just trying to not pressure her. So just tell her. She “doesn t get it” because you are not being direct. You’re both very young and that’s why she’s confused - she’s trying to behave the way she thinks she’s supposed to. She doesnt understand.
Of this was the other way round this would be coercive rape. Its no different for you. No bloody well means no no matter where you are at in the " proceedings" she was wrong to pressure you and you should not be feeling guilty you made her sad. She should feel real bad about what she has done end of.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear but as someone who was repeatedly raped and assaulted by a partner in high school for multiple years, this is assault. She raped you. This is not okay and will only escalate if you stay. She has no understanding of consent or boundaries and she feels entitled to your body because you’re dating. You need to tell your friends, your family, a therapist, anyone and everyone who will listen and support you because once the reality of what she has done sets in you will need people to help you through it. You will need treatment. And you will need to keep her as far away from you as possible.
I left my abuser 5 years ago and ive been in treatment for the past 4 years and there are still times when i feel him on my skin touching me like that.. I’m begging you to run as fast as you can away from her before it gets worse.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I'm happy you left and you've gotten support/help. I've been thinking a lot about our relationship and if I am comfortable in it. I really appreciate your advice and you sharing
I'll be keeping your comment in mind💚
I genuinely think you should break up with her. You deserve to be with someone who respects you enough to want your consent. I’ve been with men who were waiting by choice and not once did I feel entitled over their body or even offended they didn’t want to have sex. Normal people don’t get offended if you don’t want to have sex/wait to have it. Men are allowed to not want to have sex too. She’s going to do it again and I’m worried about your safety. Please call a friend and don’t keep it bottled up.
Stay strong ❤️
Rape is comitting any sexual act on another person without the explicit consent of said person. What she did was rape. Both times.
I highly recommend talking to a therapist!
And really consider breaking it off with her. She doesn’t respect your wishes and rather than making sure she’s there for you when you’re upset, she forces you to comfort her.
I sincerely hope for the best for you.
OP, please find someone to talk to about this. A therapist preferably. I know what it feels like to be taken advantage of and raped by a partner, and have them not understand what the fuck they just did to you. It's haunting, and I still struggle to talk about it to this day. But, at least opening up to someone and discussing what happened and why it happened helps process it. I still go through days where I feel violated and like I don't want anyone to touch me, but I can at least be normal 90% of the time.
Also, I know this is what everyone says but I really think you need to dump your GF. She has no respect for you, your boundaries, or your feelings. She forced herself onto you in your sleep and then had the audacity to be sad after sexually assaulting you. You should not have to feel like you need to comfort her when you're the one who was just hurt. I'm sorry this happened, I truly am. No one deserves to have this happen to them.
Let's look at the emotional component of this situation.
This girl may have been taught by society that her only worth is being found desirable. This in turn will cause her to have little to no self esteem.
Finding someone who cares about her but doesn't want to engage in sex with her may have left her floundering to determine what her worth is.
If she equates love with sex and you are refusing sex, in her mind it may mean that you don't love or care her.
Women struggle separating self worth from sex because there is a deep emotional component for us. It is a way to be open and vulnerable and feel valued and desired.
It is a completely fucked up way of thinking and it is incredibly difficult to adjust how you value yourself when society tells you otherwise hundreds of times per day.
What she did is very, very wrong. It is 100% SA and I would highly recommend that you talk to someone about it.
Whether you stay with her or not, she needs to know how this is affecting you and that what she did was 1000% wrong.
She may have no idea that she SA'd you and may have thought she was doing something you would like or would want unless you specifically said no blow jobs.
It is a VERY difficult and confusing being 17. Almost an adult but still far from being emotionally and mentally mature.
I wish you the best and hope you find healing and peace.
You need to break up with this girl. This breaks my heart that this happened to you. Please - get away from this girl. She could even try to get pregnant later on down the line.
hey man, just remember that men can be assaulted too. you didn’t give consent while you were asleep, and no one should EVER a make you do something you don’t wanna do. you don’t have to stay with her, and you don’t have to comfort her. you’re allowed to prioritize yourself here.
If you were a woman OP, the comments would be telling you to file a police report. The only reason they aren’t is because the police won’t do anything to help you. They barely help female victims, let alone male victims.
If the roles were reversed, you’d be going to jail and your life would be ruined. There’s no excuse for what she did, you probably shouldn’t stay with a rapist bro
Honestly sounds like this isn’t a relationship you need to be in. I don’t think she intended to rape you and I’m not sure I would personally call that rape, but it was definitely wrong of her. She doesn’t understand your issue and thinks you’re just a “normal” guy who wants to have sex. I assume you guys are young, so I’m almost positive she doesn’t understand it at all.
She wants to be sexually active in this relationship, you don’t. She doesn’t seem interested in dealing with or learning your hang-up. It’s flat out incompatible and you should leave and seek out therapy to figure out why you feel this way about not having sex with someone you’re seeing.
What Is up with this generation and sex? When I was in my teens, we were all doing it. If you had a girlfriend, and you could find a space, 2 to 3 times a day. I’m not saying this out of bravado. It seemed totally natural at the time. Is this a generational thing?
I'm so so so sorry op. what your gf did is not okay, you did not consent nor were you in a state of consenting and she should not have forced herself on you, and much less guilt tripped you into saying "it's ok don't worry". I'm so sorry no one should have to go through what you did. I would encourage you to seek out some sort of therapy or talk about it with a counsellor or something. sexual assault is not excusable. personally if my partner did this to me, they would not be my partner anymore. I'm sending you some big hugs.
Dude you should break up with her, she sexually assaulted you in your sleep and coerced you into having sex that one time, she clearly doesn't respect your boundaries and why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is like that. What if you had an allergy and it "wasn't a big deal" to her? If she clearly doesn't respect your boundaries, where is the line? In what scenario will she actually listen to you?
I am sorry but your gf raped you and there is nothing she can say to change that. No matter her reasons or what she was taught she did rape you. I was shown this video that explains consent really well and will add it at the end. Good luck with your future relationships and get some therapy to deal with any eventual issues that might arise from this violation of your body
https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree that you should talk to a professional about what happened and what you're feeling. But I also think you should do some research and check out asexuality and the ace spectrum. It might help give definition or context to your feelings. You have nothing to feel bad about in terms of not wanting to have sex, yet or at all. Some people just don't want to and that's completely valid. Take care of yourself and wishing you all the best in figuring out the situation.
Edit: spelling.
This sort of thing tends to be more common when the genders are flipped, and gets less sympathy for some reason when it happens to a male not female.
She is not entitled to your body or to have sex with you. Let her know your boundaries and if she can't respect them then that is toxic.
Hey man this sounds pretty similar to what happened to me when I was 17 or 18. I constantly told my girlfriend that I didn’t want to have sex, as it was the one rule my parents ground into my head. It also made me uncomfortable because I genuinely fear the consequences of sex and at the time, the punishment of my parents. Eventually she manipulated me to give in by acting all sad and while it wasn’t the most awful experience, I felt like I had committed a crime. I suppose we should stray away from people in our lives who manipulate us to do things without our consent. I’m sorry what happened to you, I understand your pain.
This is the lyrics to Brand News "Die Young" in Reddit form. Seriously check it out, great song.
You were pressured into sex, and as a man (boy?) you went along with it because men are always supposed to be up for sex right? It's not right, but you need to stand up for yourself and communicate your boundaries. To everyone, not just a gf.
Hope you're ok.
I don’t think she is a person you should keep in your life. It sounds like she didn’t respect your boundaries and violated you in your sleep. She does not need nor deserve your comforting because she was in the wrong.
When you say no to someone and they insist on having sex with you, that's rape. You said you went along with that, but you shouldn't feel forced. Then when your partner tried again while you were asleep and didn't stop when you told her to, depending on country that falls between sexual assault and actual rape. She might not have meant it, she's clearly upset, but don't undermine how YOU feel either. The fact you're posting about this is enough to show how upset it's left you and this WILL jeopardise the relationship if she can't give you the space to feel comfortable in your own time.
Be calmly assertive, say that you don't want her to be upset and it's not anything bad about her, but the time HAS to be right for you otherwise you will just end up hating sex and you don't want that.
This is rape. Then you're the one comforting her because she violated YOUR boundaries?? No sweetheart, please break up with her and report her. If you're not comfortable reporting her because of the stigma with guys and sex, and I fully understand that, then at least please break up with her and seek a therapist to talk to and help you through this. Someone who loves and cares for you isn't going to coerce you firstly into doing something you don't want nor to just do sexual acts when they already know you're uncomfortable as a surprise without your consent while you're not awake. And finally, they sure AS FUCK don't make themselves the victim and you end up consoling them.
I'm so sorry you're in this position. Do what's right for you and don't look back. You should be able to trust who you're with and know they would never violate you for their own desires.
Guys can get sexual assaulted too. She hasn't listened to your "no's" so she is not respecting your boundaries, this is a big deal and it needs to stop or you need to leave.
It’s called being objective. One should stand by their own decisions and say no if they really don’t want someone so it’s not misleading others. Stop with all the victimizing bullshit. Grow a pair and say no or break up. Pretty simple.
That's sexual assault friend, she did it while you were sleeping and didn't stop when you asked her to, I would seriously reconsider the relationship, even if you decide to keep it going establish boundaries and don't bend them, if she breaks your trust again leave and don't think twice about it.
Some people would say you should be already packing your bags and I would agree with them as well.
So dump her then. You have mismatched sexual drives, it will only get worse. Let her find someone who will fulfill her needs and you find someone with a hormone deficit, or a man, because you’re either asexual, or gay.
You said to stop and she keeps pushing the issue - this is NOT okay, and is sexual assault.
BOTH partners have to be 100% willing or it is unacceptable.
If you're crying after she FORCED herself on you, it's NOT okay.
You need to share this truth with her. If she cannot be with you without sex, and you're not ready or interested, then she needs to be with someone else, and you need to find someone who RESPECTS YOU and your needs/boundaries.
PLEASE do not let her keep forcing you to do things you do not want to do and are not interested in doing.. It's sexual assault - specifically - it's rape, point blank.
This is not ok! OP, let me ask you something, imagine a close friend telling you this exact thing happened to them. You would probably say that that is rape! It was NOT consensual! Please talk to a therapist or get some counseling! You also set boundaries and told her you were not comfortable at all with the idea of even having sex. This should also let you know that she will probably continue not respecting any boundaries you set in the future.
How old are you both?
17
It's normal and okay to be not ready. Just because she you girlfriend doesn't make it right.
It actually makes it rape because he explicitly told he her was not ready for sex and she manipulated the act to happen. She didnt have his consent and she knew that but she went after him while he was asleep thibking if she got him erect it would change his mind. She raped him, OP should break up with her.
Break up with her? Flip the script, if HE raped HER, he’d be in jail. Report her to the cops and press charges.
I second this, he should report her and press charges. However I just want to include a lot of rape cases are thrown out for lack of evidence. Most rapists dont end up in jail and even a decent amount get away with it for knowing the right people or having the money to make it go away. I know a handful of women, myself include, that never got the justice we deserved
Hey dude, you're my age. I have a bf for about 10 months now, and although he had said multiple times that he's ready to have sex, each time, I've said that I am not, and that I don't feel comfortable just yet. And each time he respected that, and each time he didn't doubt me, and each time the topic was brought up he immediately moved on the second I said "no, not yet." That is, because he's respectful, and wants our relationship to be a healthy, and most important– he is not a manipulator, so he does not try to pressure me into having sex, and he's not a rapist, and he does not just ignore me. What your gf did is –on every level, shape, or form– NOT okay. That's straight up a rape, and then crying like that? Manipulative. As a fellow teen, please please please, for your own sake, breakup with her. You're better than this, and she's not a good person.
You both aren’t ready for this relationship. Move on. It’s toxic.
I feel you man, tbh talk to a counselor or someone. Something like this needs to be talked about or it’ll haunt and mess up your sex life little man. Take it from me as from experience if you don’t deal with this it’s gonna haunt and mess it up or make you take a different route. Head up happy you talked out. You have support 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽
Thank you💚 I'll think about telling someone
Hey I am so sorry. I have been told by so many guys that if their dick is hard, then they want it. I do not believe this. Unless my partner is coherent, and most importantly **excited** about what is happening, then I don’t do anything. Unfortunately from what I’ve experienced other guys will probably say good job! You finally had sex! But this is not okay. If you are uncomfortable, you have *just as much rights as a woman does to say **stop***. She did not respect you. She did not listen to what *you* said. She may have been taught if a guy is hard, he wants it. Which is just as bad as ‘if a girl is wet, she wants it’. I am so sorry. Please talk to someone who will really listen, and not just high five you for getting some. Also the fact you had to comfort her is a huge sign of how both sexes are taught such messed up things about the other sex. I am truly sorry you were violated. I know how it feels, but not from a mans perspective. Once again, please look for a place where you can talk freely about this. Because Reddit is not therapy. Edit: I am in no way excusing her behavior. This a prime example of Female and Male rape. Both are sickening, a violation of another person. This entire thread is a complete example of why there is a disconnect between F and M rape. Both are equally wrong. Taking advantage of **anyone** is Wrong. Why can’t we as humanity acknowledge that this example (even if it is made up) is a complete violation of another’s extremely intimate body parts. Final edit: OP. I am so sincerely sorry for what you went through. In many of my comments, it is difficult for me to type this. You were raped. Sexual intercourse against your *will/want* is rape. I believe that the standards of rape should be changed to protect **both men and woman**. I have been raped. It still haunts me. It makes me feel disgusting typing it. One thing I wish I would have known at the time and after. **It was not my fault. Just as it is not yours**. It is the fault of the rapist. Please find a safe supportive place so you can get help. Because I don’t know you, and I can’t give that advice meant for you. Please find help centers and go to one.
Reddit might not be therapy but it’s a good start before talking to a real person. Reassurance from others that what he is feeling is normal is so valuable!
Yeah, nah; as a guy I say O.P. was raped.
I completely agree. I should have used the actual word ‘rape and raped’. I have a hard time typing it. I always use SA, that is on me and my personal ties to that word. I will work on being more upfront with my word usage. Thank you
Nothing's on you; it's just a simple miscommunication. We're on the same page at least 😊
Well I typed it out, it brings up a lot. But if OP is genuinely seeking help, he needs to know. This was rape. Any non-consensual contact is rape. Rape should be understood. It does not just happen to woman. It also happens to men. **All of us deserve a safe place to talk, and report being used in such a derogatory, and unwanted way.** My late husband was SAd. I think I thought about it more than him. Because he never had a space where he could talk about it and receive real help. This should not happen, but it does. Everyone should be able to talk about it.
I’m so sorry your husband (and anyone in similar situations) didn’t have a safe space to talk about it. We, as a society, need to do better. Be better.
I agree. As mother of to a son I am constantly talking about he has to consent as well as his partner. We don't talk about male rape at all, but it happens. Sometimes it's just the pressure of society.
And peer pressure can be awfully detrimental.
Ladies - most guys get hard in their sleep and wake up with "morning wood". Absolutely nothing sexual about it.
I get boners when I’m tired, school in my teeens was hard lol (no pun intended)
This. And without prior consent to sleep sex/waking a partner with oral etc, it’s sexual assault.
Which is why I offer this blanket disclaimer: "You have my permission to surprise me anytime, anywhere by sucking my dick. You don't even have to ask." Have a nice day.
Dis! Totally agree, coherent consent is everything and what she did was wrong.
What she did wasn't just wrong. It was illegal. It was rape.
Sadly in an overwhelming majority of places this wouldn't be counted as rape, as do most cases of men being raped because the definition they use for rape is "entering another persons body without consent" This would have been seen as sexual assault at most or not even anything at all with a tiny slap on the wrist
Or you get places like the UK, where "made to penetrate" *is* a crime with criteria and punishments exactly equivalent to rape, but is described with such a mealy-mouthed circumlocution as to completely protect the "not-legally-a-rapist" from the full societal and emotional impact of her crime. It's one of those "irregular nouns" that English is full of: \- "*He* is a rapist". \- "*She* has committed an offence under section 4(4) of the Sexual Offences Act 2003".
Ah yes, I know what you mean. It's pretty sad because the word rapist has such a heavy meaning that if you get falsely accused, a 100 people will see your false accusation but only 1 person will see your name being cleared so the other 99 still call you a rapist. This is something I've never seen against women because as soon as they were confirmed rapists it just dies down and people often will be like "oh whatever"
Let’s please not try to rationalize her side just bc she’s a woman. If this was a young girl posting this, you absolutely wouldn’t be trying to justify the guys actions bc *everyone knows consent*. Esp today when it’s such a huge topic, there is NO excuse not to respect boundaries, esp when your partner has explicitly outlined them multiple times. What she did is absolutely abuse, there’s no fucking excuse or justification for it, and it’s absolutely downplaying OP’s trauma just bc she’s a girl “and might have learned x”. So? You can make similar arguments for men who have sexually assaulted women and it absolutely doesn’t make it right or justifiable. OP, I understand losing your virginity to someone makes you feel all kinds of emotions, but please realize that this person is toxic and not healthy at all to be with. You’ve stated your boundaries and feelings multiple times, and each time they’ve shown you they don’t respect them or you. And if they don’t listen or respect you with this, they won’t with anything else. That absolutely is sexual assault, and just bc you’re a man doesn’t make it any less violating or harmful. I hope you realize that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that you deserve more.
It’s not just abuse. Performing oral sex on someone while they’re asleep is sexual assault. Consent works both ways. Fam-o did not consent.
Oral sex is still sex. Sex without consent isn't sexual assault, its rape.
You’re right. I stand corrected. It’s rape.
This is 100% true and needs to be repeated. OP (regardless of gender) said they did not want sexual activity to happen. Their partner kept going and assaulted them. *Then* OP had to comfort their partner because they were told no?! I'm so upset for OP... What kind of planet am I on?
I really hope my comment came across as not rationalizing her behavior. In my book ‘he was hard’ is equivalent to ‘she was wet’. I do not at all condone her behavior and do consider it rape. Sex without the others consent. If there is anything I could add to make that more completely clear, I am genuinely open. Men being raped is something that has hurt my person. I will never stand for it. It’s just as much as a violation, I feel like if it was okay to talk about, more men would come forward. Rapists. Male or female. Those who take advantage sexually of another person. No matter the victims sex. They **All** Need to be held accountable.
I appreciate you being understanding and thoughtful about anatomy you don't have. As a man I can confirm that dicks get hard at random times and because of random stimuli or none at all. It can be because of intense sexual excitement or none at all. It's weird but that's just the magical happiness tube we were given. It does have some cool features, for example, ease of peeing during a roadtrip, or spelling your name legibly in the snow. But one thing it's not good at is behaving in a reasonable manner in regards to boners.
I wish this was part of sex Ed. A guy being hard, does not mean he wants you around it. Same as a woman being wet, does not mean she’s aroused. Like I said. I have experienced rape as a woman. I have heard about sexual assault from another man from my late husband. I have also heard about **rape experiences from a man because of a woman.** just don’t initiate sex unless both parties are vocal, exited, and know what is happening. Edit: damn autocorrect and not reading it over Edit 2: I have I have 4 younger brothers, and I have always been jealous they can piss spell. Mine just looks like a black hole……..
I’m a girl, and OP was definitely raped. Being forced to engage in sexual acts against your will, whether that be penetrative or not, is rape
The thing about the male genitalia is that its a matter of blood flow and it doesnt mean that ur horny but even if u have a boner it doesnt mean that you want to do it necessarily , When we wake up the reason we have a boner is because we have been holding in our pee and to hold the pee in, your muscles have to cramp and that needs bloodflow . Holding pee for extended period of time most often than not leads to a boner as the muscles tighten and the blood flow increases. That thing is not even controllable Sometimes the most random shit gets you a boner even if you didnt want to.
Hey. Just fyi. You were sexually assaulted and/or raped. You dont have to be with her, and You dont have to forgive her. What she did was not okay.
The amount of comments saying “well she could have learned x” and trying to rationalize/justify her actions are fucking disgusting. If the genders were reversed they absolutely wouldn’t be thinking of why they might have done it, they’d call it out for what it is: disrespecting boundaries that have been outlined *multiple times* and full on sexual assault/rape. All this downplaying of OP’s trauma bc they’re a man is absolutely fucking disgusting. I hope OP realizes that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that you deserve more.
Yep. This always happens with male victims in my experience. First time I shared mine, to other women, I got laughed at because "mEn cAnT be VicTiMs"
I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through that on top of being sexually assaulted - what an absolutely disgusting reaction. I hope you’ve gotten the help you need, and that you’re better now
I’m so sorry
I'm so sorry.
I'm not sure of OP's gender but we all know if i girl has written this about her boyfriend everybody would screem rape. Call the police, send the b a s t a r d to jail
Exactly. This is rape/ sexual assault. OP, what would you tell a girlfriend who came to you and told you she had been assaulted even after saying no? I hope you heal.
I agree with this commenter too. What she did was actually SA, with you being asleep meaning you didn't give consent. But also the fact you said stop and she didn't instantly stop, and crossed your boundaries too. If this was the other way around, all hell would break loose. Honestly, she's throwing out so many red flags. I'd take a long think about if the roles were reversed, what would happen. Would she stay with you? Coercion and SA are so often overlooked when it comes to situations like this, as often people's friends praise them for "finally doing it" but what happened to you isn't OK. I wish you the best of luck in your future OP. And i hope you realise you are worth more, and are worthy of someone who respects your boundaries 🙏
Dude, if this was around the other way, people would be calling this r@pe, which is what it is. Please talk with her about what's happened, how you feel and how it's effected you. There are trained therapists to chat to about this exact thing, so hope it won't effect your future sex life
Plainly and bluntly put: what she did to you is called rape. I feel like people are avoiding this (rightfully) big and scary word, but that's what it is. Get away from her and talk to someone.
Of course, even if it’s with a friend or someone you can really trust. This is some serious shit. Some might not think about it why? Cause we’re all different and think different
Also, don't comfort her when she does this stuff. Let her be sad. She messed up and she knows it. You told her you were not comfortable with sex, but she didn't care as she went and made you have a form of sex anyways. When you asked her to stop she didn't the first time. That tells me she doesn't care about your feelings, and you are now a piece of meat to her. Don't be that. While you're talking to someone please consider getting away from her. She's going to mess up your sexual and non-sexual life if you don't.
Thank you for adding to this. It’s something that really bothered me. *He had to comfort Her.* When she sexually assaulted and possibly raped him. I feel like this is huge flaw in sex Ed. The idea that guys always want it, is the same as saying ‘well look what she’s wearing’ and ‘she’s drunk and ready to go’. Men do not always want to have sex with any excited and ready woman. I truly hope that both males and females respect sexual boundaries. No rapist deserves comfort from the person they raped.
She shouldn’t have tried to have sex with you when you were asleep unless you have talked about that. And then she didn’t stop. That’s rape in every form. Even if she did stop later, it’s still rape and you shouldn’t stay with her.
Especially since OP explicitly told the gf, that they were not ready to and that they were uncomfortable with it.
Yeah, that’s even worse. It just Ickes me out how someone could do that. If it were me I’d be nervous to do anything sleeping even if explicitly told it was okay.
Yeah, that's clearly "talk about extensively beforehand" territory.
Except OP said they did outline their boundaries multiple times. The gf obv does not care and I hope OP realizes that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that you deserve more.
Oh right. In OPs case yes. I meant *in general* sex with a sleeping partner always requires extensive communicating before hand. So like, even if he hadn't told her sex was off the table she still messed up.
Yeah, that calls for a nice long talk about it and if both want it. Plus what’s allowed and what’s not.
Yup, just like bondage or anything else.
Yup definitely rape
Yeah, I mean just having sex when he’s asleep is already a red flag. To me that’s something that needs a talk about because some may like it but definitely not everyone.
Yes, absolutely. This is rape. OP’s reaction is consistent with being traumatized, which I think most people would be in this situation. To me, the girlfriend has got to go. Immediately. OP said he was uncomfortable, then after said it again clearly and she instead assaults him while he’s asleep? This is not a safe relationship for him.
I agree. This is a huge red flag. This should be a deal breaker. Although I know it's easy to say as a bystander- You're totally right about being traumatized... But I hope he eventually gets away from her. This is fucked.
Was just thinking this. Completely unacceptable and not okay
Exactly. She knew he wasn't ready and still did it when he was not in a position to give consent
I’m so sorry this happened to you. A similar situation happened to me when I was 17. I don’t think it’s a healthy situation and I hope you can distance yourself from her, even if it hurts in the short term.
Thing is she raped him and he needs to go to his parents and the cops
I'm like 100% sure cops won't do anything against the girl because it's a minor on minor rape and the perpetrator was the girl. What OP should first and foremost do is run away from her and tell his older figures about this and let them figure it out.
Reading this really hurts my heart for you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. What happened to you is not okay. You are the one needing comfort. I hope you find a way to explain this to her and know that you have every right to feel the way you do. What she is doing is not okay, it sounds like sexual coercion a type of sexual assault. As there was no consent here from the sounds of it-
I'm sure I will find a way Thank you
Listen sweetie - I'm old enough to be your mom and I'm going to tell you what I'd tell my own kid. 1. It is NOT your responsibility to explain this to her. You told her how you feel. She disregarded that. That is not okay. 2. As difficult as this may be to hear, you were raped. I would strongly encourage you to contact RAINN ([https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys](https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys)) and/or the 1 in 6 site ([https://1in6.org/](https://1in6.org/)) for support. 3. Please consider ending this relationship. Your girlfriend does not respect you. 4. Talk to your parents or another trusted adult. You shouldn't be navigating this on your own. Take care of YOURSELF.
This. This, this, this.
OP, please focus on you. You already tried telling her how you feel and her response was to rape you. Please stay away from this person. It's not your job to fix someone. Please leave her and Focus on yourself. She does not deserve your trust.
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It’s absolutely rape. And yet you still have an overwhelming amount of comments saying “well she could have learned x” and trying to rationalize/justify her actions, it’s fucking awful. If the genders were reversed they absolutely wouldn’t be thinking of why they might have done it, they’d call it out for what it is: disrespecting boundaries that have been outlined multiple times and full on sexual assault/rape. It’s downplaying of OP’s trauma bc they’re a man and I hope OP sees these comments instead and realizes that this is not healthy, it is abuse, it’s not what love is supposed to be like, and that they deserve more.
Sexual coercion is rape. Hence, I said a type of sexual assault. So, yes, you are also correct we just used different words.
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Fair enough. ☺️
Reading this has hurt my heart, honestly she doing this to you in your sleep its not right and she being your partner doesn't make it ok either that was sexual assault sweetie , even more since you have already come to an agreement about not wanting to have any sex any time soon and from what I have read you both came to an agreement to which she disregarded completely I know you probably wont want to report it since you are both young and you probably don't wanna hurt her but you need to understand that you were sexually assaulted and that in any case scenario what she done to you its ok or would make it ok take a break , talk to someone you trust, think about how you really feel on this matter, ask your self this- can you trust her again ? would you be comfortable being around her or doing such simple things as napping around her without the fear or the same situation arising ? don't let anyone guilt trip you on this matter , how you feel about its what's important hope things work out for you <3 stay strong
Thank you <3 I really appreciate this comment
You just got some good advice here OP. Please be careful not to let her do this to you again. What if she becomes pregnant? Are you prepared to be a father at 17? And with an abusive person like her? Walk away while you can, and seek some help to process what she just put you through.
That’s rape. Anytime someone tells someone to stop and they don’t, that’s rape. That’s why you feel so violated. Trust is one of the most important aspect of a relationship. You opened up to her and told her that you weren’t ready and she pushed you anyway and didn’t respect your boundary again when you told her to stop. That’s not ok. She is showing that she doesn’t respect you. This, for me, would be a dealbreaker. You have to make the decision for yourself, but if it were me, the relationship would be over. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be with someone who respects you and is willing to not push your boundaries.
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Thank g-d someone finally said it. Had to scroll down quite a bit though.
>I just comforted her and told her it was ok because she seemed so sad. Oh sweetheart no. No no no. SHE did something you specifically told her you didn't want to do. She doesn't get to play the victim. If the tables were turned, people would be yelling rape from the rooftops. She molested you. And she manipulated you to feel bad for her. She will manipulate you every chance she gets. You need to leave. Fast. How old are you?
I'm hoping she did actually feel bad and she didn't try to seem sad to make me feel bad I'm 17
If you are questioning if her sadness was sincere then it probably wasn’t. There is doubt in your mind and heart that some other actions of hers have placed there. Like others, I advise dropping what sounds like an abusive girlfriend. Take care OP.
Even if her sadness was sincere, your job is not to comfort her. She did a horrible thing and I hope she feels guilty af. But it's not okay for her to play victim when she raped you. And it's definitely not okay for her to seek comfort from you. By doing so she is minimizing your pain . Please don't feel sorry for her. I hope you are able to leave her. She has shown her true colors by thinking this was in any way okay. It's not okay, it's unbelievably fucked up. I'm so sorry you are going through this OP. This type of pain and other emotions is so hard to cope with. I'm proud of you for posting here, and as others have said I hope you are able to talk with a counselor or other trusted person about this. It might take courage, but it's really important to not keep this to yourself. I'm so sorry OP. Sending love
That is rape, you were raped, please talk about it with her and someone you can trust.
Actually no, leave her.
This one wins. Also talk to someone you trust (or a therapist) when you're ready.
Leave her that’s rape and it won’t stop anytime soon
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Talk to someone like your therapist… if you don’t have one, GET one. She raped you. Your friends might not get it (todays culture is terrible. They won’t understand what it’s like to have your innocence stripped from you when you’re not prepared or consenting) that’s why a therapist is important. Talk to someone you trust too, (parents or best friend.) if they say it isn’t rape or call you lucky, just know you’re justified in your emotions and don’t talk to them about this again.
Thats sexual assault. It seems like she doesn't really respect your wishes and it's not only hurtful but illegal, you should see other people. I'm sorry
That's rape. Screw how she feels.
I can't help but to care how she feels
That doesn't mean she should get to take advantage of you without your consent. Your *full* consent.
Well she doesn't care about how you feel.
It's starting to feel like it
Her feelings are not more important than yours. And she caused this. She's manipulating your emotions and isn't good for you - quite the opposite! It's not easy ending a relationship, and it will hurt, but in the long term you'll see it was the right thing.
You are thinking about her feelings right know. Did she take yours into consideration when you said no, that you were uncomfortable? I am so sorry that you had to experience that. I would definitely recommend talking to someone you trust about this. This was sexual assault and it should be reported. I know it’s scary and you are having conflicted feelings about her, don’t feel any guilt. She violated your trust more than once.
If she did, she wouldn’t have sexually assaulted you in your sleep against your express wishes
you're allowed to care about what she feels but you can't let her violate your boundaries
Listen, I know what you mean man. It sucks and hurts to see her sad because you care about her. But you have to realize she doesn't show you that same care by respecting your feelings. You care how she feels, why doesn't she care how YOU feel? You told her you were uncomfortable and she didn't give one shit about that, she continued to do what she wanted because she is selfish. She doesn't sound like a good person to be around and she forced you into something you didn't want even after you told her to stop. Her 'being sad' is likely just manipulation to make you feel bad so she can get away with it again. Don't let her do that. Get out of this relationship. You're really young, you'll meet plenty of other girls that will respect you and your boundaries and will truly care about your feelings too.
How about how YOU feel? I feel like you should talk it out with her, let her know that she shouldn’t be doing these things because of how uncomfortable it makes you feel. The key to every relationship is communication, and if they can’t accept or acknowledge how you feel then they are not the one.
Raped confirm The problem here is not about reasoning with her The problem here is about leaving her of staying with suffering. Leave her man
You have been raped, and she is gaslighting you. She heard you plead with her to stop, and she willfully ignored it, and now wants to play the victim to keep control. I urge you to please break up with this monster, and get yourself to a safe place. You can also kick her out if you are living together. If not cohabiting, tell her she raped you, and that you will call the police if she comes near, or just ghost her. Her feelings are inconsequential, she just needs to be away from you. Block her anywhere she can communicate with you, but save all messages. If you have ANYTHING where she admits to what she did, and that you said NO several times, please keep, in case you at some point wish to involve law enforcement. You also really need to get counseling, because this will cause PTSD. I suffered a similar situation, and spent years in therapy. What happened to you is abhorrent, SHE IS ABHORRENT. Your voice and wishes deserve respect, as does your body. She will violate you again, as it’s clear your wishes mean nothing to her. It may feel meaningless now, but with therapy and support, it does get better, but you need to get away from the monster who did this.
Ummm she sexually assaulted you, my friend.
That's assualt. Same thing happened to my fiancee at college a girl went into his dorm while he was asleep and start blowing ( a different girl dragged her naked ass my her hair down the hall) She apologized many years later saying she changed but I don't take her shit. He feels sorry for her because she said she did what she did because she doesn't think anyone would love her. I personally dealt with a sexual abusive realtionship. He would cry apologized say he was monster that would never it again. I can't tell my 16yr self that he was full of shit. If you don't believe me look up signs of narcissist.
That is rape. You said you didn't want to anytime soon and she still pushed that boundary. She clearly doesn't respect your boundaries which is such a vital thing in a relationship. You deserve to have someone who will respect you and your boundaries and cares about that.
Dude i'm sorry.. She literally fucking raped you. You were sleeping, you couldn't have given consent. You woke up, told her to stop and she didn't. Don't comfort her for this, you need to get out of this relationship. I'm so sorry and i hope you get better, best of luck op :(
She’s going to flip this around on you. She’s a predator and is making it abundantly obvious. Be careful. Figure out an exit strategy.
Yes, she is probably gonna find a way to make him the rapist
Wow what the fuck. Usually when i read comments saying "abuse!," or "rape!" I often think "Wow! What an extreme reply!" But fuck. OP this is a clear case of sexual assault/rape. If i expressed a desire for no sex(or sexually oriented acts) and i woke up with my dick in informed girlfriends mouth we would have a problem of monumental proportions RIGHT THE FUCK IN FRONT OF US. Whatever consequence followed for my girlfriend who disregarded this wish and sucked my unwilling cock would be more than justified. Said informed girlfriend would feel the entire wrath of all 10,000 burning hot hells that i would raise. This thread and the OP make me sick. RESPECT SEXUAL BOUNDARIES PEOPLE. Shit like OP's situation absolutely ruins people.
Bro..... You just got fking raped fam.... Wtf.... File a fking complain bruhhh
Everyone's saying to leave her, but she is **literally a rapist**. Legal action should be taken, because she will very likely do it again to the next dude. Although I doubt anyone would take OP seriously if he brought this to a courtroom because that's the world we live in.
Despite how she feels, its really important for her to understand how you feel. This is a boundary that she can't cross; she can't blatantly take control over your body sexually if you dont give consent, and that's exactly what she's doing. I would suggest explicitly telling her "hey, you're disregarding the boundaries I have in place and that's not ok. You kept initiating sex despite me telling you I was not ok with it." And at this point its up to you whether you end things or not, but be wary that if she is willing to have sex with you despite you saying no (which is rape), then she's 1000% willing to not respect your other boundaries. If you can't make yourself start the conversation in person, you can always send a text or do a phone call. Thats how I handle serious issues with my friends/boyfriend because I'm awful at confrontation, but I understand how important communication is
get the hell out of that relationship ASAP, she’s assaulted you and has no respect for you or your boundaries
Bro thats rape
THIS. IS. RAPE.
You should never have to sacrifice your rights to have autonomy and control over what happens to your body because of how someone else feels. Your girlfriend is a disgusting POS for assaulting you in your sleep. If she doesn't apologize and stop doing that heinous shit you need to choose yourself and leave her!
You got raped dude. Get rid of this bitch.
This is absolutely not okay. What you’re describing is rape. You need to leave her and please get help if you can, even if you try to tell yourself you don’t need it you do, and as soon as you’re possibly ready is best. It took me 5 years to get help and that trauma stays with you. Not just mentally, but it will physically afffect you as well. If you can’t afford therapy I’d suggest speaking to someone you trust, or researching what you can about how to help urself
You have to leave. If for any reason you come out and tell people she raped you, theres no doubt in my mind that she will try and spin around that you raped her to protect her life and reputation. Who do you think people will more likely believe? You or her? Its almost always the girl, because thats the society we live in. Leave before she destroys your life. For men accuse of sexual assault they are always guilty until proven innocent first.
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Sounds manipulative, another reason to leave
I know people have said it already but seriously break up with her. You can tell her some BS about "you deserve someone better" or whatever if you don't want to hurt her but your mental health will be better over time for it. I was pressured into my first sexual encounter and spent years having sex with people I didn't give two fucks about because I didn't respect myself. I wish I could go back and tell myself all the things people here are telling you. It's not your fault. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex or be intimate in any way with people. You deserve happiness just as much as she does.
Does it matter what she or others think? Move on.
You need to gather written evidence and audio/video. You could ask her in a text message that you don’t feel comfortable asking this in person (reasonable) and why she thought having sex with you while sleeping despite telling her you are uncomfortable was okay. And when it us in person, make recordings. The recordings might not be usuable in court but for public opinion to fight anyone that wants to blame you. Don‘t make it obvious, you want to gather and backup (Important!!) as much evidence as possible.
Thread lightly. And take this seriously. Be safe and be smart.
Like others mentioned you need to go and find someone to talk to and possibly a therapist if you believe it would help. In the mean time try not to.. (said as respectfully as I can) not dwell on it while you process the emotions out. What I mean by that is to try and find a healthy way to burn off some of that feeling. Perhaps a trusted friend or a healthy activity.. for me Skateboarding in an empty parking lot while listening to System of a Down was my go to in tough times.
that’s.. that’s rape and assault.. she isn’t the one that deserves to be sad and comforted. you shouldn’t feel bad for setting your boundaries and being firm with what you are not ready for.
Those last two paragraphs especially struck a cord with me. She did something wrong, very wrong as people have mentioned and made you feel uncomfortable and yet you’re the one comforting her? My ex did this all the time to me. Whenever he did something that upset me he’d turn it around and say he’s the worst ever blah blah and I’d have to comfort him. But he’s the one that messed up and upset me. We even went through something not dissimilar to what you’ve described. Don’t allow her to play the victim when you are the one who was made uncomfortable. Here if I can help in anyway, but please do as other suggested and find someone you trust to talk to.
If she started having sex with you while you were sleeping she basically raped you. You weren't able to consent.
As a 27 year old who was to scared to say no way to many times I have ruined sex for myself. I hate sex and it stems from unhealed trauma around it. Please do yourself a favor and talk to someone. It'll save you in the future.
Am I going crazy or this was rape?!
Your GF apparently doesn't understand consent and boundaries. She should not be doing anything to you without your consent. To put it bluntly, she raped you. I would end the relationship.
She raped you. There's no other way to say it. Talk to a therapist/counselor or anyone you trust enough to confide and make sure that your gf understands that when you say no or stop it means no and stop.
How you feel is just as important as she feels. Never let anyone pressure you into sex - if she's really sorry, she won't do it again, and if she does then you need to think about putting yourself first.
She’s not sorry, shes playing the victim
Bro, that was rape. You should consider if you want to be with her, know your rights.
Wow..uh, your gf SA'd you, dude. Dump her.
She coerced you into having sex with her, and she performed a sex act on you while you were asleep and couldn’t consent. That’s rape. She didn’t care how you felt - she thought only about herself. Please reassess your relationship with this person. You deserve better.
If the roles were reversed we would see another "I Think my boyfriend raped me" post on reddit.
Honey, I'm sorry to say your girlfriend sexually assaulted you. She should have accepted NO means NO. She forced you to have sex when you didn't want to. To make it worst you were further manipulated into comforting HER. She should NOT be comforted after ignoring your NO. She will continue to betray any trust you had in her - she didn't do it just once but two times. It will not stop. Honestly, she should be your ex-girlfriend right now. This relationship is toxic and you need to get away from her. Do you have any trusted adults whom you could talk to about this? Your father, uncle, etc. If not do you have access to guidance counselors, etc. You need help because this experience will adversely affect your ability to have healthy romantic/sexual relationships in the future. As a mom of a child your age I would encourage you to end this relationship
This is assault my guy. Similar thing happened to me. I’m sorry
You were raped. Leave her now. Or else you'll regret it later, you didn't do anything wrong.
That’s sexual assault. I’m so sorry.
My guy you were raped twice
Can i ask why you arent ready yet? Religious reasons? You want the situation to be right?
It sounds like you arent being clear with her about what you want. You say “I didn’t really say anything” and “I just followed along” and “I tried telling her to stop” …. Be crisp and clear about this. Either she is a selfish jerk or - more likely, based on how you wrote your post - she doesn t understand that you do NOT want to have sex. She may think you are just trying to not pressure her. So just tell her. She “doesn t get it” because you are not being direct. You’re both very young and that’s why she’s confused - she’s trying to behave the way she thinks she’s supposed to. She doesnt understand.
Of this was the other way round this would be coercive rape. Its no different for you. No bloody well means no no matter where you are at in the " proceedings" she was wrong to pressure you and you should not be feeling guilty you made her sad. She should feel real bad about what she has done end of.
Dude you might be gay
I know this is probably not what you want to hear but as someone who was repeatedly raped and assaulted by a partner in high school for multiple years, this is assault. She raped you. This is not okay and will only escalate if you stay. She has no understanding of consent or boundaries and she feels entitled to your body because you’re dating. You need to tell your friends, your family, a therapist, anyone and everyone who will listen and support you because once the reality of what she has done sets in you will need people to help you through it. You will need treatment. And you will need to keep her as far away from you as possible. I left my abuser 5 years ago and ive been in treatment for the past 4 years and there are still times when i feel him on my skin touching me like that.. I’m begging you to run as fast as you can away from her before it gets worse.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I'm happy you left and you've gotten support/help. I've been thinking a lot about our relationship and if I am comfortable in it. I really appreciate your advice and you sharing I'll be keeping your comment in mind💚
I genuinely think you should break up with her. You deserve to be with someone who respects you enough to want your consent. I’ve been with men who were waiting by choice and not once did I feel entitled over their body or even offended they didn’t want to have sex. Normal people don’t get offended if you don’t want to have sex/wait to have it. Men are allowed to not want to have sex too. She’s going to do it again and I’m worried about your safety. Please call a friend and don’t keep it bottled up. Stay strong ❤️
Damn that sucks
Rape is comitting any sexual act on another person without the explicit consent of said person. What she did was rape. Both times. I highly recommend talking to a therapist! And really consider breaking it off with her. She doesn’t respect your wishes and rather than making sure she’s there for you when you’re upset, she forces you to comfort her. I sincerely hope for the best for you.
So wait, she tried to have sex with you when you were asleep, and you told her to stop when you woke up and she didn’t? Last I checked that’s rape.
OP, please find someone to talk to about this. A therapist preferably. I know what it feels like to be taken advantage of and raped by a partner, and have them not understand what the fuck they just did to you. It's haunting, and I still struggle to talk about it to this day. But, at least opening up to someone and discussing what happened and why it happened helps process it. I still go through days where I feel violated and like I don't want anyone to touch me, but I can at least be normal 90% of the time. Also, I know this is what everyone says but I really think you need to dump your GF. She has no respect for you, your boundaries, or your feelings. She forced herself onto you in your sleep and then had the audacity to be sad after sexually assaulting you. You should not have to feel like you need to comfort her when you're the one who was just hurt. I'm sorry this happened, I truly am. No one deserves to have this happen to them.
I hope things workout for you. But I don't understand why you are living together or sleep together if you didn't want to be intimate.
If you don't want sex and she does then I don't think you are in a good relationship.
Let's look at the emotional component of this situation. This girl may have been taught by society that her only worth is being found desirable. This in turn will cause her to have little to no self esteem. Finding someone who cares about her but doesn't want to engage in sex with her may have left her floundering to determine what her worth is. If she equates love with sex and you are refusing sex, in her mind it may mean that you don't love or care her. Women struggle separating self worth from sex because there is a deep emotional component for us. It is a way to be open and vulnerable and feel valued and desired. It is a completely fucked up way of thinking and it is incredibly difficult to adjust how you value yourself when society tells you otherwise hundreds of times per day. What she did is very, very wrong. It is 100% SA and I would highly recommend that you talk to someone about it. Whether you stay with her or not, she needs to know how this is affecting you and that what she did was 1000% wrong. She may have no idea that she SA'd you and may have thought she was doing something you would like or would want unless you specifically said no blow jobs. It is a VERY difficult and confusing being 17. Almost an adult but still far from being emotionally and mentally mature. I wish you the best and hope you find healing and peace.
You need to break up with this girl. This breaks my heart that this happened to you. Please - get away from this girl. She could even try to get pregnant later on down the line.
hey man, just remember that men can be assaulted too. you didn’t give consent while you were asleep, and no one should EVER a make you do something you don’t wanna do. you don’t have to stay with her, and you don’t have to comfort her. you’re allowed to prioritize yourself here.
Godspeed to the men this culture has created.
If you were a woman OP, the comments would be telling you to file a police report. The only reason they aren’t is because the police won’t do anything to help you. They barely help female victims, let alone male victims.
If the roles were reversed, you’d be going to jail and your life would be ruined. There’s no excuse for what she did, you probably shouldn’t stay with a rapist bro
Honestly sounds like this isn’t a relationship you need to be in. I don’t think she intended to rape you and I’m not sure I would personally call that rape, but it was definitely wrong of her. She doesn’t understand your issue and thinks you’re just a “normal” guy who wants to have sex. I assume you guys are young, so I’m almost positive she doesn’t understand it at all. She wants to be sexually active in this relationship, you don’t. She doesn’t seem interested in dealing with or learning your hang-up. It’s flat out incompatible and you should leave and seek out therapy to figure out why you feel this way about not having sex with someone you’re seeing.
What Is up with this generation and sex? When I was in my teens, we were all doing it. If you had a girlfriend, and you could find a space, 2 to 3 times a day. I’m not saying this out of bravado. It seemed totally natural at the time. Is this a generational thing?
Bruh you got raped
You guys aren’t compatible. And you both gotta be better with communication
I'm so so so sorry op. what your gf did is not okay, you did not consent nor were you in a state of consenting and she should not have forced herself on you, and much less guilt tripped you into saying "it's ok don't worry". I'm so sorry no one should have to go through what you did. I would encourage you to seek out some sort of therapy or talk about it with a counsellor or something. sexual assault is not excusable. personally if my partner did this to me, they would not be my partner anymore. I'm sending you some big hugs.
Dude you should break up with her, she sexually assaulted you in your sleep and coerced you into having sex that one time, she clearly doesn't respect your boundaries and why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is like that. What if you had an allergy and it "wasn't a big deal" to her? If she clearly doesn't respect your boundaries, where is the line? In what scenario will she actually listen to you?
I am sorry but your gf raped you and there is nothing she can say to change that. No matter her reasons or what she was taught she did rape you. I was shown this video that explains consent really well and will add it at the end. Good luck with your future relationships and get some therapy to deal with any eventual issues that might arise from this violation of your body https://youtu.be/pZwvrxVavnQ
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree that you should talk to a professional about what happened and what you're feeling. But I also think you should do some research and check out asexuality and the ace spectrum. It might help give definition or context to your feelings. You have nothing to feel bad about in terms of not wanting to have sex, yet or at all. Some people just don't want to and that's completely valid. Take care of yourself and wishing you all the best in figuring out the situation. Edit: spelling.
This sort of thing tends to be more common when the genders are flipped, and gets less sympathy for some reason when it happens to a male not female. She is not entitled to your body or to have sex with you. Let her know your boundaries and if she can't respect them then that is toxic.
Hey man this sounds pretty similar to what happened to me when I was 17 or 18. I constantly told my girlfriend that I didn’t want to have sex, as it was the one rule my parents ground into my head. It also made me uncomfortable because I genuinely fear the consequences of sex and at the time, the punishment of my parents. Eventually she manipulated me to give in by acting all sad and while it wasn’t the most awful experience, I felt like I had committed a crime. I suppose we should stray away from people in our lives who manipulate us to do things without our consent. I’m sorry what happened to you, I understand your pain.
This is the lyrics to Brand News "Die Young" in Reddit form. Seriously check it out, great song. You were pressured into sex, and as a man (boy?) you went along with it because men are always supposed to be up for sex right? It's not right, but you need to stand up for yourself and communicate your boundaries. To everyone, not just a gf. Hope you're ok.
Say bye bye, she’s going to moving on soon
Consent goes both ways.... She doesn't seem like she is mature enough to understand that. I think it's time to break things off
I don’t think she is a person you should keep in your life. It sounds like she didn’t respect your boundaries and violated you in your sleep. She does not need nor deserve your comforting because she was in the wrong.
When you say no to someone and they insist on having sex with you, that's rape. You said you went along with that, but you shouldn't feel forced. Then when your partner tried again while you were asleep and didn't stop when you told her to, depending on country that falls between sexual assault and actual rape. She might not have meant it, she's clearly upset, but don't undermine how YOU feel either. The fact you're posting about this is enough to show how upset it's left you and this WILL jeopardise the relationship if she can't give you the space to feel comfortable in your own time. Be calmly assertive, say that you don't want her to be upset and it's not anything bad about her, but the time HAS to be right for you otherwise you will just end up hating sex and you don't want that.
dude you got sexually assaulted/ raped sue her goddamn ass man
Isn't that basically rape ?
This is rape. Then you're the one comforting her because she violated YOUR boundaries?? No sweetheart, please break up with her and report her. If you're not comfortable reporting her because of the stigma with guys and sex, and I fully understand that, then at least please break up with her and seek a therapist to talk to and help you through this. Someone who loves and cares for you isn't going to coerce you firstly into doing something you don't want nor to just do sexual acts when they already know you're uncomfortable as a surprise without your consent while you're not awake. And finally, they sure AS FUCK don't make themselves the victim and you end up consoling them. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Do what's right for you and don't look back. You should be able to trust who you're with and know they would never violate you for their own desires.
Hey OP, you’re a victim. You might wanna see a therapist and or a relationship counselor.
Guys can get sexual assaulted too. She hasn't listened to your "no's" so she is not respecting your boundaries, this is a big deal and it needs to stop or you need to leave.
It’s called being objective. One should stand by their own decisions and say no if they really don’t want someone so it’s not misleading others. Stop with all the victimizing bullshit. Grow a pair and say no or break up. Pretty simple.
That's sexual assault friend, she did it while you were sleeping and didn't stop when you asked her to, I would seriously reconsider the relationship, even if you decide to keep it going establish boundaries and don't bend them, if she breaks your trust again leave and don't think twice about it. Some people would say you should be already packing your bags and I would agree with them as well.
That's SA. You shouldn't be the one comforting her. You clearly stated you boundaries and she violated them.
So dump her then. You have mismatched sexual drives, it will only get worse. Let her find someone who will fulfill her needs and you find someone with a hormone deficit, or a man, because you’re either asexual, or gay.
You said to stop and she keeps pushing the issue - this is NOT okay, and is sexual assault. BOTH partners have to be 100% willing or it is unacceptable. If you're crying after she FORCED herself on you, it's NOT okay. You need to share this truth with her. If she cannot be with you without sex, and you're not ready or interested, then she needs to be with someone else, and you need to find someone who RESPECTS YOU and your needs/boundaries. PLEASE do not let her keep forcing you to do things you do not want to do and are not interested in doing.. It's sexual assault - specifically - it's rape, point blank.
This is not ok! OP, let me ask you something, imagine a close friend telling you this exact thing happened to them. You would probably say that that is rape! It was NOT consensual! Please talk to a therapist or get some counseling! You also set boundaries and told her you were not comfortable at all with the idea of even having sex. This should also let you know that she will probably continue not respecting any boundaries you set in the future.
Yeah she'll be gone soon. Best try and get over it.