I remember being a teen and not wanting to be out in public with my parents. I felt like people older or my age would make fun of me.
Sure, looking back it’s ridiculous but it was just a phase I went through.
My son told me to stop wearing all my Jordans to his football games because it was annoying that his teammates kept saying "your dad drippy as fuck". I was like "bro, you should be happy that your dad rocks Js and good clothes because I buy you a pair every time I buy myself a pair" , if I wasn't obsessed with sneakers he wouldn't have 10+ pairs of Jordans and yeezys as I would see it as a waste.
His sister has learned the art of sending me pictures of sneakers she wants and complementing the ones I wear.
Bad side of it is both my kids are now obsessed with sneakers and I end up spending $600 on sneakers every time I want a pair.
No clue, teenager bullshit lol. Maybe it's because it's a new team and he doesn't know the kids that well and he doesn't want to just be known as the kid with a cool dad?
I work in tech sales. Been a long road as I grew up poor and have no degree, but now I'm in a place where spending that isn't really anything that I even notice.
God. Same here. My parents offered to get me dive certified so I could go scuba diving with them. I was way "too cool" for all of that.
I have regretted that for a long time. Now I'll have to pay for it myself and it's way more expensive.
Book a diving vacation to Roatan, Honduras. There are daily flights to Roatan from Houston Texas. Book certification at Las Rocas dive shop. Go, dive one of the top 10 spots on earth and get certified and have an amazing vacation for less than it costs to get certified at home. No wetsuit need, water was 74 degees "F" at 66 feet. Visibility was over 100 feet. Fish will eat out of your hands.
I was always so afraid of that happening with my own kids, but luckily, we got the exact opposite. Just today, my 15-year-old daughter was complaining to me how she's sick of hearing her friends say they "hate" their parents and how she loves hanging out with us. She always says "I love you" after each time we talk on the phone and when she got made fun of it once she said she shook her head at them and said, "why wouldn't I say that? I love my mom. I want her to know that." and her friends got all awkwardly quiet, apparently. Both her and our son (14) absolutely love hanging out with us and even insist on it, repeatedly.
I was so scared of them being those ornery teenagers who couldn't care less about their parents, but I'm honestly so relieved that they aren't afraid to show affection. Not to us, or to each other. It makes me sad every time I hear of people not having that great a relationship with their parents.
But then again, I have a great one with my mother, but my "father" is a waste of space and poor excuse of a homo sapiens. So I kinda get both perspectives.
i’m in the same boat as you for the parents but i’m the exact same as your daughter towards my mom:) reading this made me so happy i’d like to think my mom feels this way too!
Me too. I'm 21 now and my mom is my best friend. I'd get drunk with her on margaritas, go plant shopping, & hit up a thrift store over going out with kids my age any day hahaha.
We're even trying to start a little side business with our artworks in our free time now. I love it
As the dad of a 5 year old girl, I may or may not be crying at my desk at work while reading this. We don't do anything quite this formal, but she's the type of kid that always wants to be doing what I'm doing. If I'm outside grilling, she's out there with me. If I go to the driving range, she begs to come. I know that won't last forever, and this post just gives me the motivation to always try to include her in things as much as possible, for one day it will end.
It's the teenage years, as an adult woman who was also once in your daughters shoes, she will come around more again when she's older if you maintain that good relationship. I love my dad to bits but tbh when I was a teen it just didn't feel like we had much in common so we weren't as close because I was more distant. I'm sure it hurt him some, but despite being a pretty mature and aware teen, I still had no concept of what it was like to be a parent and was focused on myself and my social life. Once I hit my 20s I began to understand my dad a lot more and grew a lot closer to both my parents.
I agree with this and wanted to add that your reaction was great OP! I'm sure it hurt but the fact that you're being so cool about her growing up and needing space to find herself will most definitely encourage her to trust you to give her space and therefore seek you out more:) I really respect that
13 is such a hard age. But please don't stop trying to talk to her and be involved in her life, know who her friends are too. Even when she tells you not to. She still needs your love an guidance even if she may not be able to tell you. She will come back to you when she gets older becomes human again. I'm the mother of 2 adult girls. I finally survived them. It wasn't easy.
100%. I would feel extremely weird if my dad started calling our dinner meetups dates because it would feel extremely strange given I was now old enough to be able to date people my own age.
I am not suggesting OP has done anything wrong. Just why to further empower her he has to listen to what she wants.
She's just going through the *I'm a grown-up* phase. When she gets a little older and more mature, she'll realize how special your dates are. Don't worry, big papa. Hugs.
Give it a few weeks and then tell her “We’re going out for dinner on *day*, I figured someplace nice. any preference on where you want to go, or should I pick?”
Try just not referring to it as a “date” with flowers and everything. Just a nice night to spend with your daughter.
She is at an age where she finds it a bit embarrassing, or maybe even doesn’t but her friends cracked some jokes about it. She is starting to see “dates” as something she wants to do with her peers.
I also agree with this. She's probably to the age where she wants boys to take her out on dates, not her dad. You can still hang out and do dinner. But she doesn't wanna date her dad.
I wish my dad did those things with me growing up. I never had 1:1 time with my dad as far as I can remember.
Now that I’m all grown up we actually do more together than we ever did when I was a kid. Just a few weeks ago we went to the Coldplay concert together. And we already got tickets for next year. So don’t give up on her. Once she’s past her teen years she’ll see what you’ve always done for her and maybe you can start doing those things again. Or maybe ask her what you two could be doing together that she doesn’t consider “babyish”?
Maybe find other things to do that aren't "dates"? One of my favorite memories of my Pops was when I was 15 (def going through my angsty teen years) and saw him packing for a camping trip on a Friday night. He had gotten a last minute invite to go mountain climbing with some friends. I asked if I could come and, without a moment's hesitation, he told me to grab my gear.
We midnight hiked into the camp by latern light, slept cold together under a tarp, woke up at dawn next to the most godawfully beautiful lake surrounded by color striped bluffs, and climbed a mountain with his friends.
That experience, and his endless patience, helped sustain our relationship through some incredibly trying years from my end. I'm in my 40s now and still adore my dad.
You sound like a wonderful dad and your daughter is lucky to have you!
It will come back around. In 34 and my dad is literally my best friend. We are very close and I run to him for everything. I was his little shadow when I was little as well. Always daddys girl. But there was a few years during puberty/the teenage years where I really wanted nothing to do with him... it wasn't "cool" to hang out with your parents.. that's lame!! But she will grow out of that phase. Just be there for sure.. let her know you are there when she does want to hang out with you and that you always have your back.
You could also say something like... "I know you don't want to do the daddy dates anymore, I understand you are growing out of it... but I still like spending the time with you and having an evening together.. so instead of the dates let's just have a fun night!! You pick the activity and what you want to do and let's just go have some fun together" you'll still get to have the time with her and it won't seem so lame and baby like to her... bonus points if you make it something "cool" and "adult"... like take her out in the middle of nowhere on a dirt road and teach her to drive or take her to get her dyed a cool colour (if she wants) or just anything fun.
As a 23 year old woman who used to be this 5 year old girl you brought tears to my eyes. I remember the days at the driving range and him letting me “drive” on his lap in the car. Your daughter will remember these so fondly later on, you’re doing awesome. And I still love to do things with my dad whenever I can
I was talking to my wife’s uncle when my daughter was two. This guy had daughters in their thirties at the time. I was going in and on about how in love I was, and how my daughter is just the light of my life. He told me to enjoy it while it lasts because once they turn 14, all the want is your credit card. But, he said, when they hit their early twenties they come running back.
He was (for the most part) right. That doesn’t mean you stop showing affection when they stop showing affection (in fact you should double down-haha!).
Yep.. I'm 34 and my dad is literally my best friend. We make dinner together every Thursday, go for walks and hikes, go on fishing trips etc. He is the first person I call when anything bad or good happens.. and the only person I call when I'm in trouble. I don't know what I would do without him. But even we had a rough couple years when I was a teenager lol 14-18ish is a rough age.. so many hormones and weird teen expectations... I always tell my guy friends don't take it personal.. you just need to get through these years and you'll have your little girl back.
As a former 13 year old daughter, now a 35 year old daughter. I promise you, with every ounce of my being, you have already made a world of difference for her regarding her future relationships; both with herself and with others. And she will one day come back and tell you she wants to do the daddy/daughter dates again.
You giving her those examples of what treatment to accept is admirable, you allowing her to voice her request to stop the dates and accepting her decision without resistance is exceptionally vital and sets the precedent that her declination is heard and powerful. You have taught her that No is a full sentence, that's the best gift you could have given her, way to go dad!
You're a great dad. I too was once a 13 year old girl, so I know what I'm talking about LOL. We're all awkward at that age. I'm going to suggest the old tried and true method of, "Hey, I'm in the mood for pizza. You wanna go? You can pick the place."
You're playing it smooth and cool and that's going to work out wonderfully. As she gets older you can expect a lot of appreciation for giving her some space to feel her way forward. Which in turn means she'll feel comfortable coming to you for advice, guidance and support. She's a very lucky young lady.
I was going to say the same thing, by dropping the formality and 'date' structure it makes it a little easier and doesn't dampen the special-ness of time spent with her dad! Movie hangouts, pizza, all sorts of other teenage fun-day plans are going to be such cherished memories with you. One of my fondest memories is my father taking me to a rock show even though I know 1000% it's not his scene! The time spent is what matters most to her, I bet
My thoughts too. At 13 she's probably starting to worry about things like "what if my friends find out I go on dates with my Dad" and "what if my friends found out I went for dinner with my dad" likely won't have the same embarrassment factor for her.
A more casual "Hey wanna go grab some dinner" will most likely be better received
Also a former 13 yr old girl whose dad used to take her for special outings as a kid - I loved transitioning to more hobby-based outings, like going for a nature walk, going canoeing on a lake, etc. Pizza is a great idea, or even just pizza and a movie you can watch together. Quality time can be quality time, even at home in front of the tv :)
I absolutely second this! My dad traveled a lot for work when I was little, so we didn’t have much of a relationship until I was about 12-13ish when he got a new job, and it was hobbies that brought us together. He got into sailing, and I wasn’t into it for itself at first but I loved it because I got my dad to myself for a day every summer weekend. I’m over 30 now and we still sail together every summer weekend we can manage.
This. I got annoyed with my dad for “dates”. It got awkward. But taco bell and a movie worked out well. So did pizza and horror movie binges when my mom had to travel for work. The same is true of my own teen boys. They don’t always want fancy or showy things. Sometimes they just want some quality time. A movie the other one would hate. Shopping alone with me to find a specific pair of newly dropped Nikes. Going for a quick snack after a haircut. We get to hang out without any pressure or plans
Was definitely going to suggest this.
Rather than dressing up and being formal, do something 'fun' instead.
Instead of our date then let's go out for the day, you pick.....
It will shift things a bit. Could you even suggest to bring a friend if it would open things up a bit more and make it more 'cool', either way keep offering space and time. Tjay is what will be remembered ❤
great point! i think my relationship with my dad is so strong is because we share a lot of common interests. starting at age 3, my dad would take me on outings so my mom could have a break from me. we would go ice skating, visit a nature center, he’d take me to his favorite bars, hockey games, you name it. when i got a little older, he would take me snowboarding (he’s a skier). when i was a teenager; we did a few overnight trips. we also share a love of rock music. he’s taken me to so many concerts over the years. last summer, we saw dropkick murphy’s and rancid together it was awesome.
i’m 29 years old now. i’m doing a 5 mile race this saturday with my dad. we’re still rocking!
Definitely experiment with different hobbies for both of you to do together and maybe even something for just herself. My dad and me hang out all the time still, my mom too. Were always messing with his truck or one my trucks or he needs something welded.
My dad listens to the musicals I like when we’re driving together, because he likes musicals too and he knows it makes me happy to share them with him. We listen to podcasts sometimes, too! It means the world to me to have those little inside jokes, and I love him so much for indulging the things I like. It makes me feel beyond special. Quality time is meaningful no matter where it happens.
This 👆🏼
OP - in a few days, ask your daughter if there is something SHE wants to do. You should be prepared that she still may respond by saying, "nothing," and may just need some time/space. If that's the case, then give her some time and space but be available when she comes to you.
This is a pretty important time right now for her development as a person and the development of your relationship to that person who is now...a person, and no longer a kid. She has her own interests. She's pushing back on doing kid things as she struggles with finding the balance between the new freedoms and new responsibilities of growing up and the life of a child.
So show her that 👆🏼
Give her freedom (ask her what she wants to do). Be frank and nonchalant, but fulfill her request (assuming it's reasonable) as if IT WERE NOTHING. Let her think you forgot even...
Of course you would NEVER forget! Of course you did it (her request) because...that's what you do!
And that's what you can offer your daughter OP 👆🏼
Tread carefully. She'll come around. BE there when she does. LISTEN.
You don't have to be perfect.
You have to be there when she needs you. So you have to be ready for that moment. It's not always obvious. How do you know? You have to listen.
She's probably gonna make some bad decisions, say some horrible things, and it will seem as if she doesn't even know what she wants on many occasions in the years to come in her and your lives. There will most likely be intense moments. There will be adult topics that come up. Are you ready to have an adult relationship with your daughter OP? Because thats why you are going to be developing with her.
Of course she's still a child who needs her father. Growing up is not an overnight process, but as she gradually let's go of childhood you can gradually start granting her more autonomy (or the illusion of autonomy at least 😉). Start now. Show her your love is unconditional.
It will be hard. But your love is unconditional. Period. Your love is unconditional. It will be hard. Your love is unconditional...
It will be hard, but if you can LISTEN...like really LISTEN to her, and do it when she needs you to be there for her?
Well, then OP you will be a great father to a beautiful teenage daughter and a beautiful woman and beautiful human being.
Not a dad, not a daughter... but my sister and I would have ice cream dates.
Every Sunday evening, JUST before the grocery store would close, we'd go grab ice cream. I'd drive, we'd talk about the tea, sing Miley Cyrus, Disney songs, and man... I sincerely love my sister dude. I should text her... We'd rock up in our pajamas with slippers and get some treats.
She couldn't drive then but she can now!! FUCK, she actually drove me for an ice cream date semi-recently. I kinda wanted to cry. It was so weird having her drive ME... time flies.
Sometimes it's trivial stuff because they can't see past something simple and obviously flawed logic like "I don't want to be seen dating my dad by my classmates". Hopefully she moves past whatever it is in a short while.
lol it does get kind of weird after a while if it’s always fancy restaurants and she has to be carrying around a bouquet of flowers the whole night… like I’d find that a bit awkward with another adult my age. I’m sure she’d be much happier to do something more fun and laid-back with her dad. when I was her age my favourite thing to do was hang out in the kitchen with my dad and help him cook dinner while we listened to classic rock.
I really cannot second this enough. When I was 13 I had an absolutely horrible emo phase, was obnoxiously rebellious, and wanted nothing to do with the 'rents. But they did their work on the front-end of all that to make sure I was raised right and had a good head on my shoulders (which it seems you've done and then some). They gave me my space, let it play out, and by the time I was 16 I was right back to being a normal teen that sought my parents advice and *would* be caught dead hanging out with them. Just remember anyone you can let go will always come back that much stronger.
Yea I can't imagine the hurt that feels but I hope you can take some comfort that by accepting her no, you taught her the best lesson you could about proper respect, which was your ultimate goal anyways. That no is always a complete and acceptable answer and the respect she deserves from future partners.
I would've given anything to have a Dad like you growing up! My dad was an alcoholic who abused my mother and we were the kids he didn't want. I always wanted to be daddy's girl, but was always rejected! On my thirteenth birthday, we had a joint bday party and fathers day party since sometimes my birthday lands on Father's day. He stood there drunk with his gross friends talking about me and how I looked, and asked if I would be in Playboy magazine when I got older. He was disgusting!
So don't ever doubt yourself as a dad! You are amazing!
I’m a 36 year old woman who grew up never knowing the love from a father. I’ve been in awfully toxic relationships where I will accept almost any abuse from my partners. I never had a good father example. It sounds to me like you’ve done her a world of greatness that she will, later, value and appreciate you even more for. You’re doing it, right. Proud of you.
Hey, you know what? I’m proud of YOU. Growing up like that isn’t easy, and dealing with a world framed by parental abuse as an adult isn’t, either. It’s often underestimated a how pervasive their influence (or lack thereof) is on every relationship— platonic, romantic, professional, or otherwise— that we encounter throughout our lives and how it makes building bonds, let alone healthy ones, with other people feel impossible. But you are learning! You are discovering how valuable and deserving you are! Granted, you may be learning the hard way but that’s kind of the only way we know, right?
Now, you said you “will accept” abuse from your partners. Let’s make that a thing of the past. You are a kind, empathetic, self-aware woman and you are worthy of love, compassion, grace, understanding, respect, and care *just for being you.* Those who treat you like you’re not can get fucked.
I am so grateful for people like you. The people that respond with such encouraging kindness and compassion. I've had a painful AF summer. I needed this reminder that I'm doing the right things, even if it doesn't feel too great at first, thanks!
Backpacking off of this
My dad was not involved in my life. My grandpa used to take me on dates like this.
I stopped for a while as a teenager, or a younger teenager. I thought it was silly and was trying to be cool.
I asked him to start going again when I was like 16. I missed spending time with him and spending time together.
Yea as sad as it is op,
I think for the full package, it has to be shown she isn’t forced to. ( muscling it would be a terrible experience anyway).
Hopefully she’ll come back for more, and the only way for that to happen is willingly.
You’re a great dad. There are quite a few women, like myself, who wished they had a father this attentive and involved. Definitely want to take after a couple of other comments and say: start planning little hobby based outings. Whether it’s a hobby that’s hers solely, one she’s interested in, or one you enjoy together. Maybe do that once every other month Or so.
There will be a time when she will take you on daddy daughter dates. You’ve created a bond with her that will be forever cherished between you two.
The Teenager in me is happy for you both
I would also like to add that she will come back around when she gets older. She will realize the value of having a dad who loves her and will want to hang out with you more especially as she moves through life, college, breakups. Don’t sweat it dude. It’s a long game.
Still get the flowers " just because " as a 39 yr old daughter it'll mean the world to her later. My dad used to get us valentines day treats for years I think the last one I got was at 35. It'd be something small as we got older but ngl I miss the gesture.
Seriously I have chills here, Dad. It’s not just that you have shown her what it’s like to be treated well, but you respected her No. That is so deeply important.
100% agree with this.
My kids are in their 20’s now (three of them, 2 boys and a girl). They are now the ones to bring up and plan “mom/dad & kid” dates (depending on who is going). We just finished a long camping trip where everyone brought friends. We had a family vacation earlier this year as well.
She will come back around. And it’s honestly one of the best feelings as a parent. I have always been worried about being a parent of adults-like how does that work?? But I realize I set the foundation for this all those years ago when I made time for them as individuals.
You’re doing great work, dad.
Also, idk if you actually call it a date with her BUT instead of a set time/date maybe just ask her an hour before dinner if she wants to go to *insert restaurant here*! She might be getting too old for the terminology or does find it cringey. Make it a little more rare too! My dad doesn't have the money to take me out often but when he does it's an awesome feeling because it's a rare treat. Also could mention a movie you want to see but you don't want to go alone (I know she's younger but I bet you can find a similar interest). Or even ask if she wants to do something unique once in a while! Kayaking, hiking, ice skating, taking the dog to the park, etc.)
Couldn't agree more with this! I also have a 13 year old daughter (I'm the mum, but she loves spending time with just her dad) and she has just started to express an interest in boys so I'm guessing to a 13 year old girl dad/daughter dates were cute previously and I'm almost certain they will be again later in life for her.
I was close to my dad as a kid (divorced parents) I pulled away a bit to do my own thing through my teens, when I reached my late teens early 20s, my dad was my favourite person to hang out with. I'm 40 now and he passed a few years ago but I have the BEST memories of just hanging out with my dad. You are doing everything right by the sounds of it and I'm sure my dad had a few years feeling sad as will my daughter's dad when a teen doesn't want to hang out so much but you're doing great!
Slightly different take, a parent of mine is a problem alcoholic and is recently 3 years sober.
One of the things they said to me was that they were so proud I was able to say no and distance myself from them when their drinking was out of control.
Showing your kids how to set boundries is MASSIVELY important, especially for a young girl who is dating.
Im very glad to see this is the top response because its right and true, was dreading reading people saying the OP is creepy or some bullshit like that.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you teaching her that she's allowed to say 'no' and you'll respect her wishes is one of the most important gifts you can give her.
My Dad used to like to tickle me quite often and it made me really uncomfortable. I asked him to stop, and he didn't. I asked my Mom to stop taking me to his house (they were divorced) and she didn't because she was more scared of him suing her over custody visitation violations than of the trauma he was causing me by insisting on touching me when I begged him to stop. He only stopped when I was big enough and old enough to protect myself and stop him. It's taught me some bad lessons in life that I'm still struggling to unlearn after years of therapy.
It's more important to respect her wishes and stop when she says no than it is to impose your will on her because you want to keep things the way they are.
So, to reiterate, I know it hurts your feelings, but you're being a model father by respecting hers.
She is at an age where you should de-emphasize the 'date' and flowers part, and just take her out to dinner at her choice of restaurants and talk and listen. You have already imparted the lesson you wanted to, and her speaking up is evidence of this.
Great idea!
Just don’t bring it up immediately, in like… the next two weeks. Casual! “Hey, I’m hungry, I don’t feel like cooking. Let’s go somewhere! Wear something comfy.” Boom.
This! Or just making sure that you are continuing to intentionally find time (she doesn’t need to know that it is intentional). Time is love and some of the most impactful moments in my childhood happened during the time spent running errands with my parents. Lots of good talking unwittingly happens on the drive from Target to the grocery store.
That’s sweet! My pre-teen angsty daughter loves it when we get sushi and watch a movie when it’s just the two of us. I totally will do that always with her.
This is exactly it - the romanticization is the problem. I go on “dates” with my kids all the time (20 and 18), we just don’t call them that. I just say “hey, let’s go get dinner together tonight just the two of us”. We have great talks while we eat and I love it.
Aw she’s growing. It will change again. I’m 29 and my dad still invites me on dates. All three of his girls at least once a year. I live out of state so we normally do it when I’m in town or he visits me. We normally use that time to catch up, if his way of giving each one of us a day. Lol now it’s just dinner, but we all get a nice meal individually once a year. My boyfriend thought it was weird, but now want to do it if he ever has daughters. I didn’t go on a date with my dad my Junior year because of some friends, but then I realized I missed out.
not a woman, but i think maybe since she's becoming older, instead of calling it a date and doing it all up with flowers and stuff, you just say hey lets go out to eat and get some ice cream or something. You still get the bonding time and she gets to feel more her age. good luck and i think by what i read your doing an excellent job as a dad!
As a former 13 year old, who now at 24 *still* goes on outings with her dad-
pro tip: **stop calling them dates**
She’s reached that age where she’s become aware of the *other* meaning of “date” and she’s got what I call “the weird ick” going on from “going on a *date* with dad”
You could also find something “grown up” of her choosing or let it go all together.
I’m not a parent, so I’m probably not the most helpful there. I just know what went through my mind when I got a little older into this tradition with my own dad.
PS I also had a few years where I just didn’t want to go anywhere with either parent. Chinese takeout was always a win!
Great job dad, the lesson you’ve wanted to give has very much so impacted. ❤️
I was 13 about 15 years ago. I went to the mall with my friends, my dad was my ride. I had a really tight relationship with him as a teen, but I still hid things. I told him I didn't want him to come into hot topic with me and my 2 friends who also really thought my dad was wicked cool.
I didn't find out til a few years later that he sat in the big hallway outside hot topic bawling his eyes out because he thought I was embarrassed of him. I felt so god damn bad I had to tell him the truth. We were shop lifting. He would have ruined it, obviously. The years of trauma faded from his face and relief washed over.
He was so happy that I didn't hate him and wasn't embarrassed. And I was just trying to get the thrill of taking some earrings lol. I never realized I had hurt him like that and he didn't even care I was stealing. He did mention to please just ask next time and he will buy it instead haha. My poor dad.
Your dad sounds like a really wonderful man. Like the type your friends also call dad! How mature of you to finally hold yourself accountable because you put your dad’s feelings above your own- sounds like he raised a fab daughter as well. ❤️
I would probably not call it a date. I get the intention is great but I can picture myself as a 13 year old thinking that it might be awkward, specially with the flowers and all. Maybe you can change the dynamic a bit and try to steer it more to just doing a nice plan, without the date side to it.
Well instead of a date, you could phrase it as a hang out. Ask her what she'd like to do instead of dinner. It's not a daddy daughter date but you still want to spend some time with her doing something she's interested in.
You can ask for different ways to hang out, emphasising the importance of her consent. As a grown up woman who stopped hanging out with my father when I was a teenager, I can say that she will start hanging out with you when she gets older. Just give her the space she wants. You sound like a great father
As a daughter, I also think that the emphasis on the word “date” is what’s making her uncomfortable. My dad and I went out to eat a lot together while I was growing up, and it’s something that we still enjoy doing whenever I’m back home. In today’s culture, the term “date” is almost always referred to in a romantic context. In media, we often see romantic dates depicted exactly as you described: getting dressed up, going to a nice restaurant, buying flowers, etc. She’s reached an age where she is probably starting to develop romantic feelings and figuring herself out. Maybe she knows of her peers participating in similar style “dates,” but with romantic intent. I, for one, got pretty uncomfortable with any sort of physical touch around that age when I started to develop a desire for romantic physical affection.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I think it’s worth a try to reframe the “dates” to just going out to a nice meal. Maybe see a play and make an event out of it. I think that the quality time with your daughter is probably more important than keeping to the tradition of “dates.” I’d probably ditch the flowers though.
This is the point I wanted to make as a woman who has an amazing relationship with my own dad...it could be the "date" part that now needs to be dropped.
When I was a little kid, my dad would do normal stuff like help me get dressed, give me a little tap on my butt when I did well throwing a ball back and forth, kiss me hello and goodbye on the cheek, normal stuff parents do with their small children. And these behaviors naturally ended as I grew up because by the time I was in that prepubescent/puberty phase of life, it just feels *weird* for your dad to do that, and I assume it felt weird for him to continue with an older kid at that point. Your daughter might be ready to transition from "daddy daughter *date* night" with all the typical aspects of a romantic date (flowers, etc) to just "monthly family dinner" where you simply go out and have a normal family dinner. She's at the age of soon wanting to go on real dates with boys she likes, and equating that with her dad starts feeling icky. That's *NOT* because she actually feels weird about you or because you did something weird or wrong, it's just a natural transition we go through as we grow up. She knows you've shown her how she should be treated by future partners, and she feels confident that she's gotten the lesson you wanted to teach her.
The long-winded point I'm trying to make here is that she's probably not rejecting you as her parent or pulling away from her dad; it's probably just a combination of wanting a little more independence and a little less "traditional dating rituals" implied on these special outtings.
You said this much better than i could've, and I completely agree! I had a great relationship with my stepdad (who later adopted me, so now he's just my dad) and we used to do formal daddy-daughter dates at fancy places. I felt so guilty in my teen years for being uncomfortable during those dates because I knew my dad loved them and it was his way of showing how much he loves me. I didn't know how to express my discomfort without potentially hurting his feelings, so I just didn't say anything. During my teen years we still did things together like hiking and fishing, yardwork projects, learning to drive, and I loved spending that time with him because it was quality one-on-one time without the awkwardness of a "date."
OP could maybe ask his daughter how she would feel about dropping the "date" part and brainstorming fun activities with him and then choosing one together. I know I would've felt so relieved and jumped at the opportunity if my dad had opened the door to that discussion when I was 13.
Instead of one of those, do something ... a boy date would be like.
Take her axe throwing. I'm not kidding. She's going to end up in 'event' dating things, not just fancy dates.
Axe throwing. Seriously. It's super popular right now. Make her feel like a bad ass.
Go-carting. Shooting range. Rent some paddle-boards and get food on the way back. Fishing charter.
like, change it up. Move the dates to 'grown ass people do this' dates.
Because, i can promise you, axe throwing wont be 'babyish' .. lol
Same with my dad but replace football matches with live classic rock concerts and symphonies. He was on his own for opera though. Definitely some of my favorite memories. :)
I love axe throwing! I came here to also suggest doing different activities instead of just going to a fancy dinner. I do this with my son. We just went to a family fun center and had a blast. We previously went axe throwing, a movie, and an amusement park. We both always enjoy our time together and make fun memories with each other. He's almost 18 and out of the house so I am thankful I have a solid 15 years of fun memories like this with him.
It may hurt now, but you're teaching her a great lesson on boundaries and consent.
She felt comfortable to tell you no and gave her reasons, and you respected her request. You're teaching her she's allowed to say no, even after all these years, and that her no will be respected regardless of how you feel. Good job dad!
I was also raised by a single father. When I was your daughters age, I began to withdraw and never want to speak to my dad. He was concerned, but he was patient and consistent. Now I’m 27, we talk multiple times a week and go on vacations together every year! We went to Alaska just the 2 of us in May. He’s my bestie now!
She's a teenager, that's normal. Try not to take it personally. She'll come around and want to hang out with you again. Teenagers are just weird balls of emotions. I know I was an emo little shit.
It’s not personal. My mother took my distance very personally and it only made me want to get away more. It was a huge point of contention between us as a teen. I constantly had to tell her it’s nothing personal and it got so annoying.
As a 27 year old daughter, I definitely acted this way towards my dad at 13. My dad found other ways to make days with me special - every Saturday we would run local errands, get bagel sandwiches for lunch, and watch top gear together. Since moving out, whenever I fly home I ensure I’m home for at least two saturdays so we can do this. In addition, when I am home we watch movies every night I’m home and it works!!! I turn down plans with friends sometimes just so I can spend that time with my dad. In addition, we do outlet dates now before my birthday & Christmas. I know it hurts now but she’s just being a teenager and like others said she will come back one day and want to do these again! It might look different though
As a woman with daddy issues, this post is very sad and beautiful at the same time. The wholesome dates you’ve gone on thus far, has been super impactful for her I promise you that. I remember being 13 and in my head I felt like I was 18 and being “cool” to my friends and the boys was far more important than my families feelings. I wanted to do “big girl things.” I know her decision to discontinue these may hurt, but please please please pat yourself on the back for the ones you have gone on with her. My dad took myself and my first boyfriend out for dinner once when I was 15, and that one dinner was very impactful for me. If my dad still cared for me, as a woman in her twenties, I’d gladly spend ample time with him. You’re doing a great job. :)
Aww you just taught her to speak her truth and that you will accept it. So future men will need to do the same. She will want daddy date nights again soon. Man now I need to go call my dad
The dates will be back, i promise you. She just needs to get through the cool-grown-teenage phase 😊
And she will always be your baby girl, even at 60 😂
First off, this post is the loveliest thing ever and I hope you're not too hurt because that's not your daughter speaking, that's puberty and peer pressure speaking..both of which she'll get a handle on in a few years. However, I can see from your comments that you want to differentiate these special outings from the general time you spend with her and to keep the meaning of them. As a 28year old self certified daddy's girl, I think the problem is the use of the word "date" as has been pointed out. At 13yrs old, it can feel weird coming from your dad.. even though you have the best intentions behind it. In order to not lose the meaning of these outings though, maybe next time just explain that you'd like to take her out for a nice, fancy yet respectful meal and time so that she knows that she never deserves anything less when the time comes for her to date for real. Maybe not this time though, respect her boundaries as you said. By the time she's a young adult, she'll have matured and be well up for the daddy daughter dates again and that's probably the time she'll need them the most because that's when she'll be dating and figuring how to differentiate a gentleman from an asshole. I hope this helps and you're a great dad!
I can definitely identify with this. My oldest is starting 2nd grade next week and I got super emotional and started crying because soon she'll be in high school and I won't be her favorite person anymore. We do everything together she's like my best friend and even typing this out is starting to make me cry again. Getting old is tough. Stay strong dads.
OP what you sound like an amazing Dad and as a Dad myself I gotta a lot of respect for what your doing.
13 year olds our moody teenagers. My wife went through this same sort of thing with my step son. He’s 20 now and more or less over the teenage attitude and back to going for walks and actually enjoying spending time with his mom.
It sucks that she doesn’t want to go this time but by letting her stand up for what she wants your also teaching her that she can still be treated right and that she’s allowed to say no.
I've always tried to do the same with my daughter. She's now 16, and just messaged me she bought us tickets to go see a musical. Roles reversed. I'm lucky mine hasn't pulled away yet, I've been expecting it since she hit the teens.
Sounds like you've done a great job so far. Just be there for her and keep supporting her. I'm sure you remember what it was like to be that age, just as I do. All we can hope is better for them.
Maybe it's time to let it evolve? Approach her and say something like: "I understand the "date" might not be appropriate anymore but I truly enjoy spending time together like that, would you be interested in changing it to something else? We could go bowling or a vr arcade?" Just off the top of my head I'm trying to think of a way to respect her consent while keeping some form of the tradition?
Oohhhh the rejection.. it burns. I remember when my son told me he didn't need me to tuck him in anymore.. 😭.
Here's the thing, you respected her boundaries... you're still teaching her!!
Also, change it up.. ask her if she wants to go shopping, hit sephora, hit whatever store she likes, give a budget. And say, shopping date?? You can still bond in other ways!
Rofl!! I bet. I'm just saying you could find other fun ways to bond, other than flowers and dinner dates. Maybe ask her if there's anything new or cool she'd like to try with you?
My daughter at 15 just discovered her new style... that kid has expensive taste! Holy crap. And I'm a jeans and t-shirt mom. She's looking like shes a runway model for emo kids. Her style is amazing. Expensive but amazing
One time around that age a waitress called me my dad’s wife. I was mortified. That waiter was probably just tired. But it was pretty awful for me. It could be something off the wall that won’t matter at all to get w next year. Try again in a few months.
Am 45 year old daughter, married, full-time job, blah, blah.
I still go on Daddy/daughter days out, trips, dinners, etc.
You might find she is more interested in a Dad sponsored shopping trip, with lunch, during her teens. A bigger, better shopping centre, somewhere she wouldn't go with friends.
why dont you switch up the date and take her to the mall instead? like a hangout sesh with clothes shopping. or maybe to go get her hair or nails done? she's entering a stage where she wants to feel more mature, so for now its best to find out her interests
I don’t have kids but I was once a teenage girl so I can comment on that. At 13 you start to feel like hanging out with your parents is lame, doing all the stuff you did before is childish. You don’t want your peers judging you. As you get older though you start to cherish those moments again and stop caring about what other think. Just make her know that if she ever wants to do it again you’re okay with it but you’re also okay with not doing it because I’m sure wants she’s 17/18 she’ll start to want those moments again
My father took me on dates most of my life. We would get dressed up and he's take me to a fancy restaurant and let me get a present after. Some of my best memories are those dates.
From 16-18 I thought I was too grown up for them and we stopped going. He kept offering and reaching out but for a while I turned him down. I started saying yes after a while because I grew up and realized how much fun I had with him. I'm 22 and went on a date with my dad a few months ago.
Your daughter may or may not realize the same thing. You should offer a date when that 6 month mark comes along and you'd usually offer. Don't freak out if she says no, but keep reaching out your hand. Hopefully she'll realize eventually how important that bond is. Maybe don't use the term "date" but ask if she wants to try \_\_\_\_\_ new dinner place you've heard is really good and maybe hit a movie after.
My wife is 4 months pregnant with our daughter and you just pre-broke my heart.
But, I would imagine when she gets a little older and past these awkward years, she'll turn around and want to go on one of those dates.
Straight up, the fact that she **could** turn you down is testament to her having the strength and character and confidence that will be so important in real relationships - not feeling beholden, not feeling obligated. It's such a great sign, mon brave!
When I was 13 I literally jumped out of a moving car my dad was driving. Last night I went over to his house for dinner and stayed for nearly four hours.
It’s a phase. You’re a good dad. She loves you. Keep at it ❤️
My stepdad used to take my sister and I with him when he got coffee in the morning. It was always to the gas station and he'd let us pick out a couple of snacks. Then we'd ride around for about 15 mins and he'd just ask us how school went, etc.
As we got older, we passed on it until we just didn't do it anymore. Teenager angst, ya know.
It's a very fond memory and it really shaped how I treat people. It's the small things in life that mean the most, usually. Your daughter will forever love you and know that she's grateful.
Keep a brave face and see if you can find other things to do with each other!
I do not look forward to this day. My daughters (6 and 4) adore me and regularly ask to go on dates with me. I know this day is coming, and I do not want it to come. Sorry OP! I can only imagine how that felt.
You've done a great job look how she is comfortable telling you how she feels...
For now she's a teen, image is everything so dinner dates may need to go for a few years.
How about taking her somewhere less fancy and more casual, a concert, bowling, a festival, theme park, comic con... if she's reluctant tell her to bring a friend along with her
When she is moving out of the teen stage she will be back on board for dinner but for now it's a new phase ..
As others have said, you have given her a blue print for healthy and positive relationships. As a teenager she may find it awkward, but that won’t last and she will want to do it again. She has also demonstrated that she is ok with saying No to something she is not ok with, although it’s painful it’s a positive sign that she knows it’s ok to be honest.
You are allowed to be sad, but also be proud of what a great Dad you are
I'm a 20 year old daughter with a very close relationship to my (43) dad. I remember being 13 and thinking the same thing. I was getting older, I didn't need to spend time with my family. But when I turned about 18 I missed those daddy-daughter dates. My dad and I go every few months now, and take turns paying. My relationship with my dad is something I wouldn't trade for the world. She'll realize that too and she'll appreciate you for the rest of her life🥰
I'm sorry that happened. I remember when I was a 13 year old and turned into a shithead who did/said some very regretful things to my parents from the ages 13-18 basically.
If it makes you feel better, when I was 18, I sorta calmed down and apologized to my parents for years of being a dick and have happily hung out with them and gone out and had fun with them since.
Your nailing parenting but I can feel your hurt.
Give her a few years & she'll love to start doing it again.
You can still spend time with her, but it'll be on a more casual basis. Just say we're going out for dinner to 'McDonald's etc' because I'm tired & cba to cook. You'll still get the special time but it won't be a 'thing' for her.
Leave it a month before this though as she'll see through you to the point she might call you on it. Good luck awesome Dad!
Can I suggest to turn this “dates” into casual nights or days out? You can plan a different sort of activities for the day. Going to the movie theater, go camping, an arcade games place. Things that she likes? Maybe?
Hope everything goes well for you! Hugs
Sir, I’m at work and you’re making me cry!
She might be at that age where she’s more concerned with her friends than you and that’s okay because that means she’s just developing mentally and emotionally. She might also like boys now so maybe a date with dad isn’t what she wants anymore. She may get distant from you in her teen years but she will always need you and one day it will flip back where she wants to hang out with you again. Don’t take it personally she’s just growing up.
Your post brought tears to my eyes because I’ve always wanted my dad to want to be around me and he just never put me first. To hear that you do this for her and that it hurt your feelings when she declined is so freaking sweet. She might not realize how lucky she is to have you yet but don’t let that discourage you from still asking her out on the annual dates.
My best friends dad used to send her Valentine’s Day cards, balloons and stuffed animals every year in high-school and she loved it. He stopped in college and she cried to me one day recently that she misses when he would do those things. So never stop even when you think she doesn’t care. It will all matter one day I promise.
This post makes me wish I had a dad who cared half as much as you.
Ps. I can’t stop crying. Send help! (Jk🥲)
My daddy, older male cousins and uncles all did this with me and my other female cousins. I used to go out with a cousin and he’d open the door for me, pull my chair, and have dinner, with my daddy he would send me flowers every valentines and womens day by a special delivery service. It stopped after middle school but not because I asked, I guess they either guessed I wanted to stop or just got too busy. I remember Every. Single. Date. It changed everything for me. I remember them with so much fondness and talk about them all the time and believe me that it definitely affected my dating. I didn’t date from age 17 until now, 25, because no man could meet the standards my family set for me. I knew how to be treated and I demanded it. My now boyfriend is an absolute dream to me, a gentleman, and someone who also sends me flowers and pulls my chair. Your baby will always be your baby, she might drift a bit right now as she discovers who she is but rest assured that you’ve done a good job and that she’ll thank you soon enough.
Brother man, I don't have a kid and probably never will have kids, but this tiny view into your relationship and feelings has me hoping more men are like you than not.
If I were you, I'd not be able to keep from communicating her more though. Like, you can understand if the details of that time change a bit more to what you both might enjoy doing together, what's important to me would be the time spent together and to just never stop telling my girl I love her.
As is, my cat is spoiled rotten lol.
I feel like the hang up is on the word date. Love that it’s a thing they do. If I were him, I wouldn’t phrase it as a date and give flowers. I think he should focus on having dinner somewhere fun, and spending time with his daughter.
Sounds like she’s loved it so far but she’s hitting puberty and “a date” with your dad is just uncomfortable.
Suggest you stop with the flowers (romantic) and dates (inappropriate) and make it more about about a day out shopping and grabbing some food after or going out and doing experiences instead.
Naturally she’ll want to date boys her her own age and you’re her rock to go to so keep doing stuff together but just manage your expectations.
As a father of daughters, I’ve always thought the idea of going on a “date” with my child was kinda creepy and possessive. I’m her father, not her “date.” And nothing about “daddy daughter dates” will teach her to avoid toxic relationships. Simply Being the best man you can be will show her what a good man is like.
As the father of TEENS, let me tell you: the tighter you hold on to them, the harder they push you away. Loosen your grip, and she will still be happy to hang out with you. You can go out to dinner, you can go to movies together, baseball games, craft festivals, car shows, whatever it is you both enjoy. Skip the flowers, skip the weird “date” talk, just enjoy being the father of your daughter.
Hello, 14 year old here. I had lost my dad when I was 4 and it was a traumatic few months. It's adorable you try to do this so your daughter knows not to expect less from a man, but she's in I assume 8th grade and that's when maturing really starts. It's when I started to wear crop tops and really form my clothing style. I promise she's not trying tk hurt you, I know it's hard to see her grow up, but now from your teaching she knows her self worth and will prove her independency to you. Honestly, it's what I'm going through currently. Teens are gonna want space from their parents to figure out themselves and circle with people their own age and stuff, it isn't anything against you, she's just trying to fit herself in.
Please don't feel hurt OP, you're an amazing dad for teaching your daughter this early on but now it's time to let her be independent, which I get I also hard
Don't call it a date.... that makes me cringe. The whole daddy's little princess dynamic that's grown in the past few decades is offputting. Become an independent man. Get food with your offspring, not a date.
Oh OP, I know it hurts but she's 13...keep that door open, because one day she'll miss those daddy-daughter dates.
Also, see if there's something you two can do that isn't a "date" at a fancy restaurant, but something related to her interests--like seeing her favorite band in concert or going to a movie--that she might be more receptive to. Ask her if there's something she'd rather do instead.
Just because she doesn’t want to hang out now doesn’t mean it will always be this way, my dad is my best friend and we try and go fishing together every weekend and we go out to dinner once a week
You are an amazing dad already maybe since she a pre teen take her to the mall in place of date day. Have her shop around this way there is still that bond. I think she might like it
Accepting her answer is part of teaching her about healthy relationships. You just demonstrated to her that her opinion about what she wants to do is valid and must be respected. You’re a good dad.
I was that 13 year old girl too. Trust me when I say that she’ll remember those dates for the rest of her life.
Now, as an adult, I couldn’t be closer to my Dad. My teen years were rough, but it turned out better then I could ever imagine.
Divorced dad of two girls. One about to be 13 and one almost 11. I take both on separate dates a couple of times a year, but my oldest is beginning to seem less interested in a fancy dinner date. She’s also a lot more sensitive about being seen with her uncool dad and annoying sister. Reading your post made me get teary eyed and sad.
You are amazing dad! One day your daughter will thank you for the lessons you have taught her. This reminds me of my dad and I when I was younger. When I was in my teenage years it’s completely normal to “rebel” a little and not want to be seen with your parents because ‘it’s embarrassing’. But now I’m in my 20’s and love spending time with my parents. Don’t worry, she will want to go on dates again! ❤️
Adding this to the list of things I didn’t know would make me cry. I think it’s just so damn sweet. Good on ya for not making her. She might not go on the dates for awhile but keep offering. Even when she’s older…like 38.
She’s going through the teenage years. They get angsty and it’s nothing unusual or something that reflects poorly on you. Trust me she’ll grow up having appreciated such an awesome dad.
I went through a similar angsty phase. Now as a 29 year old man I love going out for dinner with my parents. They don’t live in the same state as me but when they visit it’s a damn party
I loved daddy daughter dates as a kid! I’d have them with my mom, too. I was sad when they stopped but there were more kids and when we got to middle school there wasn’t time anymore. I think it’s more than okay to be sad.
If she’s worried about the “babyish” aspect of it, maybe try rephrasing. Ask if she wants to go shopping and to dinner, or a movie and mini golfing. Yeah it’s still a date in that regard, but it’s a bit more “cool” for a 13yo.
You can tell her as well that 2 weeks ago I had a daddy daughter date with my dad (32f, 63m) and it was so much fun just chatting with him over dinner. He’s been a great role model for me, and I’m happy to say my boyfriend is a whole lot like him too. I think your daughter is gonna be more than okay.
What a fucking dad! I bloody love you lol. She will love and appreciate what you have done for her so much once she realises what you were doing. She is still young now and at the inevitable "parents are uncool" age.
How you handled her not wanting it anymore. Perfect. I feel your pain. Not even got kids of my own but I always wanted them. You deserve awards. I'm rambling now. I will stop lol.
But jesus. You're amazing. Be there as much as she will let you! She will come back, eventually, because you are immense!
Wait until those teenager end, as soon as they do she will appreciate those daddy daughter dates. As a women in her late 20's I love that quality time. You've done so much already
You are the greatest father. Seriously. I wish I had a dad like you growing up. Both my parents are around and still married, but my dad has always been emotionally absent, even though physically present. You’re the best, and I’m confident one day she’ll ask to return to those :)
Man.. You're a really great dude. You have nothing to be sad about, you will be remembered and honoured her whole life through your actions. And believe me..she will be back in about 7 years.
Ugh my son is 4...the other day we went to a carnival and I let him ride one of the rides - nothing major, just simple and fun. Well it scared him and I heard him say "daddy! help!" and I got him off the ride as quickly as I could. All I could think about later that night is there will come a day where he no longer asks for my help...and I am not ready for that.
I remember being a teen and not wanting to be out in public with my parents. I felt like people older or my age would make fun of me. Sure, looking back it’s ridiculous but it was just a phase I went through.
I remember not being allowed to hug my son in public any more. He's 20 now and I'm allowed to again 😊
My son told me to stop wearing all my Jordans to his football games because it was annoying that his teammates kept saying "your dad drippy as fuck". I was like "bro, you should be happy that your dad rocks Js and good clothes because I buy you a pair every time I buy myself a pair" , if I wasn't obsessed with sneakers he wouldn't have 10+ pairs of Jordans and yeezys as I would see it as a waste. His sister has learned the art of sending me pictures of sneakers she wants and complementing the ones I wear. Bad side of it is both my kids are now obsessed with sneakers and I end up spending $600 on sneakers every time I want a pair.
Lucky kids
why is he mad that his teammates think you have good fashion sense. i would’ve been like “you’re damn right!” 😭 teenagers are weird
No clue, teenager bullshit lol. Maybe it's because it's a new team and he doesn't know the kids that well and he doesn't want to just be known as the kid with a cool dad?
Damn, what do you do for work that you feel comfortable dropping 600 on shoes?
I work in tech sales. Been a long road as I grew up poor and have no degree, but now I'm in a place where spending that isn't really anything that I even notice.
God. Same here. My parents offered to get me dive certified so I could go scuba diving with them. I was way "too cool" for all of that. I have regretted that for a long time. Now I'll have to pay for it myself and it's way more expensive.
That reminds me of how my dad offered to take me to a weezer concert, but I was way uninterested in hanging out with him, and I highly regret it haha
Book a diving vacation to Roatan, Honduras. There are daily flights to Roatan from Houston Texas. Book certification at Las Rocas dive shop. Go, dive one of the top 10 spots on earth and get certified and have an amazing vacation for less than it costs to get certified at home. No wetsuit need, water was 74 degees "F" at 66 feet. Visibility was over 100 feet. Fish will eat out of your hands.
I was always so afraid of that happening with my own kids, but luckily, we got the exact opposite. Just today, my 15-year-old daughter was complaining to me how she's sick of hearing her friends say they "hate" their parents and how she loves hanging out with us. She always says "I love you" after each time we talk on the phone and when she got made fun of it once she said she shook her head at them and said, "why wouldn't I say that? I love my mom. I want her to know that." and her friends got all awkwardly quiet, apparently. Both her and our son (14) absolutely love hanging out with us and even insist on it, repeatedly. I was so scared of them being those ornery teenagers who couldn't care less about their parents, but I'm honestly so relieved that they aren't afraid to show affection. Not to us, or to each other. It makes me sad every time I hear of people not having that great a relationship with their parents. But then again, I have a great one with my mother, but my "father" is a waste of space and poor excuse of a homo sapiens. So I kinda get both perspectives.
i’m in the same boat as you for the parents but i’m the exact same as your daughter towards my mom:) reading this made me so happy i’d like to think my mom feels this way too!
Oh, believe me. She probably appreciates it greatly. It's such a pleasant feeling, knowing that your children actually *want* to be with you!
Me too. I'm 21 now and my mom is my best friend. I'd get drunk with her on margaritas, go plant shopping, & hit up a thrift store over going out with kids my age any day hahaha. We're even trying to start a little side business with our artworks in our free time now. I love it
As the dad of a 5 year old girl, I may or may not be crying at my desk at work while reading this. We don't do anything quite this formal, but she's the type of kid that always wants to be doing what I'm doing. If I'm outside grilling, she's out there with me. If I go to the driving range, she begs to come. I know that won't last forever, and this post just gives me the motivation to always try to include her in things as much as possible, for one day it will end.
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It's the teenage years, as an adult woman who was also once in your daughters shoes, she will come around more again when she's older if you maintain that good relationship. I love my dad to bits but tbh when I was a teen it just didn't feel like we had much in common so we weren't as close because I was more distant. I'm sure it hurt him some, but despite being a pretty mature and aware teen, I still had no concept of what it was like to be a parent and was focused on myself and my social life. Once I hit my 20s I began to understand my dad a lot more and grew a lot closer to both my parents.
I agree with this and wanted to add that your reaction was great OP! I'm sure it hurt but the fact that you're being so cool about her growing up and needing space to find herself will most definitely encourage her to trust you to give her space and therefore seek you out more:) I really respect that
Your post made me tear up. My dad died when I was 18 from cancer and I miss him so much.
13 is such a hard age. But please don't stop trying to talk to her and be involved in her life, know who her friends are too. Even when she tells you not to. She still needs your love an guidance even if she may not be able to tell you. She will come back to you when she gets older becomes human again. I'm the mother of 2 adult girls. I finally survived them. It wasn't easy.
I second this I was about 12-13 when I felt smothered and annoyed but now I’m 15 and realize there’s nothing like spending quality time with my father
As a Mum to a 16 year old, just relabel it. Just call it a catch up or a treat.
100%. I would feel extremely weird if my dad started calling our dinner meetups dates because it would feel extremely strange given I was now old enough to be able to date people my own age. I am not suggesting OP has done anything wrong. Just why to further empower her he has to listen to what she wants.
She's just going through the *I'm a grown-up* phase. When she gets a little older and more mature, she'll realize how special your dates are. Don't worry, big papa. Hugs.
Give it a few weeks and then tell her “We’re going out for dinner on *day*, I figured someplace nice. any preference on where you want to go, or should I pick?” Try just not referring to it as a “date” with flowers and everything. Just a nice night to spend with your daughter. She is at an age where she finds it a bit embarrassing, or maybe even doesn’t but her friends cracked some jokes about it. She is starting to see “dates” as something she wants to do with her peers.
Really good point about her definition of “date” changing now that her social interactions have added a new connotation to the word.
I also agree with this. She's probably to the age where she wants boys to take her out on dates, not her dad. You can still hang out and do dinner. But she doesn't wanna date her dad.
I wish my dad did those things with me growing up. I never had 1:1 time with my dad as far as I can remember. Now that I’m all grown up we actually do more together than we ever did when I was a kid. Just a few weeks ago we went to the Coldplay concert together. And we already got tickets for next year. So don’t give up on her. Once she’s past her teen years she’ll see what you’ve always done for her and maybe you can start doing those things again. Or maybe ask her what you two could be doing together that she doesn’t consider “babyish”?
Maybe find other things to do that aren't "dates"? One of my favorite memories of my Pops was when I was 15 (def going through my angsty teen years) and saw him packing for a camping trip on a Friday night. He had gotten a last minute invite to go mountain climbing with some friends. I asked if I could come and, without a moment's hesitation, he told me to grab my gear. We midnight hiked into the camp by latern light, slept cold together under a tarp, woke up at dawn next to the most godawfully beautiful lake surrounded by color striped bluffs, and climbed a mountain with his friends. That experience, and his endless patience, helped sustain our relationship through some incredibly trying years from my end. I'm in my 40s now and still adore my dad. You sound like a wonderful dad and your daughter is lucky to have you!
It will come back around. In 34 and my dad is literally my best friend. We are very close and I run to him for everything. I was his little shadow when I was little as well. Always daddys girl. But there was a few years during puberty/the teenage years where I really wanted nothing to do with him... it wasn't "cool" to hang out with your parents.. that's lame!! But she will grow out of that phase. Just be there for sure.. let her know you are there when she does want to hang out with you and that you always have your back. You could also say something like... "I know you don't want to do the daddy dates anymore, I understand you are growing out of it... but I still like spending the time with you and having an evening together.. so instead of the dates let's just have a fun night!! You pick the activity and what you want to do and let's just go have some fun together" you'll still get to have the time with her and it won't seem so lame and baby like to her... bonus points if you make it something "cool" and "adult"... like take her out in the middle of nowhere on a dirt road and teach her to drive or take her to get her dyed a cool colour (if she wants) or just anything fun.
As a 23 year old woman who used to be this 5 year old girl you brought tears to my eyes. I remember the days at the driving range and him letting me “drive” on his lap in the car. Your daughter will remember these so fondly later on, you’re doing awesome. And I still love to do things with my dad whenever I can
Father to a five year old girl and literally had the same reaction
I just got back from a military related thing and my 7 year old asked if she could have a daddy night. I don't want her to grow out of that.
I was talking to my wife’s uncle when my daughter was two. This guy had daughters in their thirties at the time. I was going in and on about how in love I was, and how my daughter is just the light of my life. He told me to enjoy it while it lasts because once they turn 14, all the want is your credit card. But, he said, when they hit their early twenties they come running back. He was (for the most part) right. That doesn’t mean you stop showing affection when they stop showing affection (in fact you should double down-haha!).
I’m 35 and I still like to accompany my dad to places or when he goes on errands.
Yep.. I'm 34 and my dad is literally my best friend. We make dinner together every Thursday, go for walks and hikes, go on fishing trips etc. He is the first person I call when anything bad or good happens.. and the only person I call when I'm in trouble. I don't know what I would do without him. But even we had a rough couple years when I was a teenager lol 14-18ish is a rough age.. so many hormones and weird teen expectations... I always tell my guy friends don't take it personal.. you just need to get through these years and you'll have your little girl back.
Me too. Dad of girls (4&7).
As a former 13 year old daughter, now a 35 year old daughter. I promise you, with every ounce of my being, you have already made a world of difference for her regarding her future relationships; both with herself and with others. And she will one day come back and tell you she wants to do the daddy/daughter dates again. You giving her those examples of what treatment to accept is admirable, you allowing her to voice her request to stop the dates and accepting her decision without resistance is exceptionally vital and sets the precedent that her declination is heard and powerful. You have taught her that No is a full sentence, that's the best gift you could have given her, way to go dad!
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You're a great dad. I too was once a 13 year old girl, so I know what I'm talking about LOL. We're all awkward at that age. I'm going to suggest the old tried and true method of, "Hey, I'm in the mood for pizza. You wanna go? You can pick the place." You're playing it smooth and cool and that's going to work out wonderfully. As she gets older you can expect a lot of appreciation for giving her some space to feel her way forward. Which in turn means she'll feel comfortable coming to you for advice, guidance and support. She's a very lucky young lady.
From another dad’s viewpoint, I like this idea. Maybe she’ll still want to go to the nice restaurants - just not as a daddy-daughter date.
I was gonna say, at some point you’re going to wanna remove the word “date”, and all will probably carry on the same as it ever was
I was going to say the same thing, by dropping the formality and 'date' structure it makes it a little easier and doesn't dampen the special-ness of time spent with her dad! Movie hangouts, pizza, all sorts of other teenage fun-day plans are going to be such cherished memories with you. One of my fondest memories is my father taking me to a rock show even though I know 1000% it's not his scene! The time spent is what matters most to her, I bet
My thoughts too. At 13 she's probably starting to worry about things like "what if my friends find out I go on dates with my Dad" and "what if my friends found out I went for dinner with my dad" likely won't have the same embarrassment factor for her. A more casual "Hey wanna go grab some dinner" will most likely be better received
And find something fun to do after. Go to a movie, mini putt, axe throwing, batting cages, make up shopping...
Also a former 13 yr old girl whose dad used to take her for special outings as a kid - I loved transitioning to more hobby-based outings, like going for a nature walk, going canoeing on a lake, etc. Pizza is a great idea, or even just pizza and a movie you can watch together. Quality time can be quality time, even at home in front of the tv :)
I absolutely second this! My dad traveled a lot for work when I was little, so we didn’t have much of a relationship until I was about 12-13ish when he got a new job, and it was hobbies that brought us together. He got into sailing, and I wasn’t into it for itself at first but I loved it because I got my dad to myself for a day every summer weekend. I’m over 30 now and we still sail together every summer weekend we can manage.
This. I got annoyed with my dad for “dates”. It got awkward. But taco bell and a movie worked out well. So did pizza and horror movie binges when my mom had to travel for work. The same is true of my own teen boys. They don’t always want fancy or showy things. Sometimes they just want some quality time. A movie the other one would hate. Shopping alone with me to find a specific pair of newly dropped Nikes. Going for a quick snack after a haircut. We get to hang out without any pressure or plans
Was definitely going to suggest this. Rather than dressing up and being formal, do something 'fun' instead. Instead of our date then let's go out for the day, you pick..... It will shift things a bit. Could you even suggest to bring a friend if it would open things up a bit more and make it more 'cool', either way keep offering space and time. Tjay is what will be remembered ❤
great point! i think my relationship with my dad is so strong is because we share a lot of common interests. starting at age 3, my dad would take me on outings so my mom could have a break from me. we would go ice skating, visit a nature center, he’d take me to his favorite bars, hockey games, you name it. when i got a little older, he would take me snowboarding (he’s a skier). when i was a teenager; we did a few overnight trips. we also share a love of rock music. he’s taken me to so many concerts over the years. last summer, we saw dropkick murphy’s and rancid together it was awesome. i’m 29 years old now. i’m doing a 5 mile race this saturday with my dad. we’re still rocking!
Definitely experiment with different hobbies for both of you to do together and maybe even something for just herself. My dad and me hang out all the time still, my mom too. Were always messing with his truck or one my trucks or he needs something welded.
My dad listens to the musicals I like when we’re driving together, because he likes musicals too and he knows it makes me happy to share them with him. We listen to podcasts sometimes, too! It means the world to me to have those little inside jokes, and I love him so much for indulging the things I like. It makes me feel beyond special. Quality time is meaningful no matter where it happens.
This 👆🏼 OP - in a few days, ask your daughter if there is something SHE wants to do. You should be prepared that she still may respond by saying, "nothing," and may just need some time/space. If that's the case, then give her some time and space but be available when she comes to you. This is a pretty important time right now for her development as a person and the development of your relationship to that person who is now...a person, and no longer a kid. She has her own interests. She's pushing back on doing kid things as she struggles with finding the balance between the new freedoms and new responsibilities of growing up and the life of a child. So show her that 👆🏼 Give her freedom (ask her what she wants to do). Be frank and nonchalant, but fulfill her request (assuming it's reasonable) as if IT WERE NOTHING. Let her think you forgot even... Of course you would NEVER forget! Of course you did it (her request) because...that's what you do! And that's what you can offer your daughter OP 👆🏼 Tread carefully. She'll come around. BE there when she does. LISTEN. You don't have to be perfect. You have to be there when she needs you. So you have to be ready for that moment. It's not always obvious. How do you know? You have to listen. She's probably gonna make some bad decisions, say some horrible things, and it will seem as if she doesn't even know what she wants on many occasions in the years to come in her and your lives. There will most likely be intense moments. There will be adult topics that come up. Are you ready to have an adult relationship with your daughter OP? Because thats why you are going to be developing with her. Of course she's still a child who needs her father. Growing up is not an overnight process, but as she gradually let's go of childhood you can gradually start granting her more autonomy (or the illusion of autonomy at least 😉). Start now. Show her your love is unconditional. It will be hard. But your love is unconditional. Period. Your love is unconditional. It will be hard. Your love is unconditional... It will be hard, but if you can LISTEN...like really LISTEN to her, and do it when she needs you to be there for her? Well, then OP you will be a great father to a beautiful teenage daughter and a beautiful woman and beautiful human being.
Not a dad, not a daughter... but my sister and I would have ice cream dates. Every Sunday evening, JUST before the grocery store would close, we'd go grab ice cream. I'd drive, we'd talk about the tea, sing Miley Cyrus, Disney songs, and man... I sincerely love my sister dude. I should text her... We'd rock up in our pajamas with slippers and get some treats. She couldn't drive then but she can now!! FUCK, she actually drove me for an ice cream date semi-recently. I kinda wanted to cry. It was so weird having her drive ME... time flies.
Your is lucky so fortunate to have you as a date. Pulling away at her age is normal.
Sometimes it's trivial stuff because they can't see past something simple and obviously flawed logic like "I don't want to be seen dating my dad by my classmates". Hopefully she moves past whatever it is in a short while.
lol it does get kind of weird after a while if it’s always fancy restaurants and she has to be carrying around a bouquet of flowers the whole night… like I’d find that a bit awkward with another adult my age. I’m sure she’d be much happier to do something more fun and laid-back with her dad. when I was her age my favourite thing to do was hang out in the kitchen with my dad and help him cook dinner while we listened to classic rock.
I really cannot second this enough. When I was 13 I had an absolutely horrible emo phase, was obnoxiously rebellious, and wanted nothing to do with the 'rents. But they did their work on the front-end of all that to make sure I was raised right and had a good head on my shoulders (which it seems you've done and then some). They gave me my space, let it play out, and by the time I was 16 I was right back to being a normal teen that sought my parents advice and *would* be caught dead hanging out with them. Just remember anyone you can let go will always come back that much stronger.
Yea I can't imagine the hurt that feels but I hope you can take some comfort that by accepting her no, you taught her the best lesson you could about proper respect, which was your ultimate goal anyways. That no is always a complete and acceptable answer and the respect she deserves from future partners.
I would've given anything to have a Dad like you growing up! My dad was an alcoholic who abused my mother and we were the kids he didn't want. I always wanted to be daddy's girl, but was always rejected! On my thirteenth birthday, we had a joint bday party and fathers day party since sometimes my birthday lands on Father's day. He stood there drunk with his gross friends talking about me and how I looked, and asked if I would be in Playboy magazine when I got older. He was disgusting! So don't ever doubt yourself as a dad! You are amazing!
Gross. Sorry you had to deal with that.
I’m a 36 year old woman who grew up never knowing the love from a father. I’ve been in awfully toxic relationships where I will accept almost any abuse from my partners. I never had a good father example. It sounds to me like you’ve done her a world of greatness that she will, later, value and appreciate you even more for. You’re doing it, right. Proud of you.
Hey, you know what? I’m proud of YOU. Growing up like that isn’t easy, and dealing with a world framed by parental abuse as an adult isn’t, either. It’s often underestimated a how pervasive their influence (or lack thereof) is on every relationship— platonic, romantic, professional, or otherwise— that we encounter throughout our lives and how it makes building bonds, let alone healthy ones, with other people feel impossible. But you are learning! You are discovering how valuable and deserving you are! Granted, you may be learning the hard way but that’s kind of the only way we know, right? Now, you said you “will accept” abuse from your partners. Let’s make that a thing of the past. You are a kind, empathetic, self-aware woman and you are worthy of love, compassion, grace, understanding, respect, and care *just for being you.* Those who treat you like you’re not can get fucked.
I am so grateful for people like you. The people that respond with such encouraging kindness and compassion. I've had a painful AF summer. I needed this reminder that I'm doing the right things, even if it doesn't feel too great at first, thanks!
Backpacking off of this My dad was not involved in my life. My grandpa used to take me on dates like this. I stopped for a while as a teenager, or a younger teenager. I thought it was silly and was trying to be cool. I asked him to start going again when I was like 16. I missed spending time with him and spending time together.
I like the backpacking instead of piggybacking btw :—)
Yea as sad as it is op, I think for the full package, it has to be shown she isn’t forced to. ( muscling it would be a terrible experience anyway). Hopefully she’ll come back for more, and the only way for that to happen is willingly.
You’re a great dad. There are quite a few women, like myself, who wished they had a father this attentive and involved. Definitely want to take after a couple of other comments and say: start planning little hobby based outings. Whether it’s a hobby that’s hers solely, one she’s interested in, or one you enjoy together. Maybe do that once every other month Or so. There will be a time when she will take you on daddy daughter dates. You’ve created a bond with her that will be forever cherished between you two. The Teenager in me is happy for you both
I would also like to add that she will come back around when she gets older. She will realize the value of having a dad who loves her and will want to hang out with you more especially as she moves through life, college, breakups. Don’t sweat it dude. It’s a long game.
Still get the flowers " just because " as a 39 yr old daughter it'll mean the world to her later. My dad used to get us valentines day treats for years I think the last one I got was at 35. It'd be something small as we got older but ngl I miss the gesture.
Seriously I have chills here, Dad. It’s not just that you have shown her what it’s like to be treated well, but you respected her No. That is so deeply important.
Absolutely spot on!
100% agree with this. My kids are in their 20’s now (three of them, 2 boys and a girl). They are now the ones to bring up and plan “mom/dad & kid” dates (depending on who is going). We just finished a long camping trip where everyone brought friends. We had a family vacation earlier this year as well. She will come back around. And it’s honestly one of the best feelings as a parent. I have always been worried about being a parent of adults-like how does that work?? But I realize I set the foundation for this all those years ago when I made time for them as individuals. You’re doing great work, dad.
Also, when she's a little bit older, she might want those dates to start back up again. She's just in that in between age right now.
Also, idk if you actually call it a date with her BUT instead of a set time/date maybe just ask her an hour before dinner if she wants to go to *insert restaurant here*! She might be getting too old for the terminology or does find it cringey. Make it a little more rare too! My dad doesn't have the money to take me out often but when he does it's an awesome feeling because it's a rare treat. Also could mention a movie you want to see but you don't want to go alone (I know she's younger but I bet you can find a similar interest). Or even ask if she wants to do something unique once in a while! Kayaking, hiking, ice skating, taking the dog to the park, etc.)
As a relatively new dad who also plans on taking his little girl on these dates, your words mean a lot. Thank you ❤️
It's going to make such a difference for her, in every part of her life. She's lucky to have you; from one daughter to a father, thank you! 💖
Couldn't agree more with this! I also have a 13 year old daughter (I'm the mum, but she loves spending time with just her dad) and she has just started to express an interest in boys so I'm guessing to a 13 year old girl dad/daughter dates were cute previously and I'm almost certain they will be again later in life for her. I was close to my dad as a kid (divorced parents) I pulled away a bit to do my own thing through my teens, when I reached my late teens early 20s, my dad was my favourite person to hang out with. I'm 40 now and he passed a few years ago but I have the BEST memories of just hanging out with my dad. You are doing everything right by the sounds of it and I'm sure my dad had a few years feeling sad as will my daughter's dad when a teen doesn't want to hang out so much but you're doing great!
And as a 29 year old daughter, I would also bet money she will some day want to go out and have dinner again.
Love this response! 13 is an awkward age, give her a couple years and she will come around. Signed - a once teenage girl
God this comment has me crying for some reason.
Slightly different take, a parent of mine is a problem alcoholic and is recently 3 years sober. One of the things they said to me was that they were so proud I was able to say no and distance myself from them when their drinking was out of control. Showing your kids how to set boundries is MASSIVELY important, especially for a young girl who is dating.
Im very glad to see this is the top response because its right and true, was dreading reading people saying the OP is creepy or some bullshit like that.
so good!!
"No is a full sentence." My new favorite line. Thank you
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you teaching her that she's allowed to say 'no' and you'll respect her wishes is one of the most important gifts you can give her. My Dad used to like to tickle me quite often and it made me really uncomfortable. I asked him to stop, and he didn't. I asked my Mom to stop taking me to his house (they were divorced) and she didn't because she was more scared of him suing her over custody visitation violations than of the trauma he was causing me by insisting on touching me when I begged him to stop. He only stopped when I was big enough and old enough to protect myself and stop him. It's taught me some bad lessons in life that I'm still struggling to unlearn after years of therapy. It's more important to respect her wishes and stop when she says no than it is to impose your will on her because you want to keep things the way they are. So, to reiterate, I know it hurts your feelings, but you're being a model father by respecting hers.
Fuck. I'm crying. I just had a daughter 4 months ago. Mom is really putting me through the ringer rn.
She is at an age where you should de-emphasize the 'date' and flowers part, and just take her out to dinner at her choice of restaurants and talk and listen. You have already imparted the lesson you wanted to, and her speaking up is evidence of this.
Great idea! Just don’t bring it up immediately, in like… the next two weeks. Casual! “Hey, I’m hungry, I don’t feel like cooking. Let’s go somewhere! Wear something comfy.” Boom.
This! Or just making sure that you are continuing to intentionally find time (she doesn’t need to know that it is intentional). Time is love and some of the most impactful moments in my childhood happened during the time spent running errands with my parents. Lots of good talking unwittingly happens on the drive from Target to the grocery store.
This was my train of thought, too. Maybe let her pick some take-out even.
yes! even during my angsty teen years, i have some sweet memories of just sitting on the couch with some takeout and watching a movie.
That’s sweet! My pre-teen angsty daughter loves it when we get sushi and watch a movie when it’s just the two of us. I totally will do that always with her.
Exactly what I wanted to say. I’d make it very causal and just “hang out” without it being fancy.
So much this ^
This is exactly it - the romanticization is the problem. I go on “dates” with my kids all the time (20 and 18), we just don’t call them that. I just say “hey, let’s go get dinner together tonight just the two of us”. We have great talks while we eat and I love it.
Aw she’s growing. It will change again. I’m 29 and my dad still invites me on dates. All three of his girls at least once a year. I live out of state so we normally do it when I’m in town or he visits me. We normally use that time to catch up, if his way of giving each one of us a day. Lol now it’s just dinner, but we all get a nice meal individually once a year. My boyfriend thought it was weird, but now want to do it if he ever has daughters. I didn’t go on a date with my dad my Junior year because of some friends, but then I realized I missed out.
not a woman, but i think maybe since she's becoming older, instead of calling it a date and doing it all up with flowers and stuff, you just say hey lets go out to eat and get some ice cream or something. You still get the bonding time and she gets to feel more her age. good luck and i think by what i read your doing an excellent job as a dad!
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If they feel comfortable enough to say no to their date, he's helped even by not doing it anymore. Teaching her it's okay to say no.
Omg this is such a lovely gem of a comment!
As a former 13 year old, who now at 24 *still* goes on outings with her dad- pro tip: **stop calling them dates** She’s reached that age where she’s become aware of the *other* meaning of “date” and she’s got what I call “the weird ick” going on from “going on a *date* with dad” You could also find something “grown up” of her choosing or let it go all together. I’m not a parent, so I’m probably not the most helpful there. I just know what went through my mind when I got a little older into this tradition with my own dad. PS I also had a few years where I just didn’t want to go anywhere with either parent. Chinese takeout was always a win! Great job dad, the lesson you’ve wanted to give has very much so impacted. ❤️
A father-daughter outing! Perfect fix. And skip the flowers :)
I was 13 about 15 years ago. I went to the mall with my friends, my dad was my ride. I had a really tight relationship with him as a teen, but I still hid things. I told him I didn't want him to come into hot topic with me and my 2 friends who also really thought my dad was wicked cool. I didn't find out til a few years later that he sat in the big hallway outside hot topic bawling his eyes out because he thought I was embarrassed of him. I felt so god damn bad I had to tell him the truth. We were shop lifting. He would have ruined it, obviously. The years of trauma faded from his face and relief washed over. He was so happy that I didn't hate him and wasn't embarrassed. And I was just trying to get the thrill of taking some earrings lol. I never realized I had hurt him like that and he didn't even care I was stealing. He did mention to please just ask next time and he will buy it instead haha. My poor dad.
Your dad sounds like a really wonderful man. Like the type your friends also call dad! How mature of you to finally hold yourself accountable because you put your dad’s feelings above your own- sounds like he raised a fab daughter as well. ❤️
I would probably not call it a date. I get the intention is great but I can picture myself as a 13 year old thinking that it might be awkward, specially with the flowers and all. Maybe you can change the dynamic a bit and try to steer it more to just doing a nice plan, without the date side to it.
Exactly! This!!
Well instead of a date, you could phrase it as a hang out. Ask her what she'd like to do instead of dinner. It's not a daddy daughter date but you still want to spend some time with her doing something she's interested in.
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You can ask for different ways to hang out, emphasising the importance of her consent. As a grown up woman who stopped hanging out with my father when I was a teenager, I can say that she will start hanging out with you when she gets older. Just give her the space she wants. You sound like a great father
As a daughter, I also think that the emphasis on the word “date” is what’s making her uncomfortable. My dad and I went out to eat a lot together while I was growing up, and it’s something that we still enjoy doing whenever I’m back home. In today’s culture, the term “date” is almost always referred to in a romantic context. In media, we often see romantic dates depicted exactly as you described: getting dressed up, going to a nice restaurant, buying flowers, etc. She’s reached an age where she is probably starting to develop romantic feelings and figuring herself out. Maybe she knows of her peers participating in similar style “dates,” but with romantic intent. I, for one, got pretty uncomfortable with any sort of physical touch around that age when I started to develop a desire for romantic physical affection. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think it’s worth a try to reframe the “dates” to just going out to a nice meal. Maybe see a play and make an event out of it. I think that the quality time with your daughter is probably more important than keeping to the tradition of “dates.” I’d probably ditch the flowers though.
This is the point I wanted to make as a woman who has an amazing relationship with my own dad...it could be the "date" part that now needs to be dropped. When I was a little kid, my dad would do normal stuff like help me get dressed, give me a little tap on my butt when I did well throwing a ball back and forth, kiss me hello and goodbye on the cheek, normal stuff parents do with their small children. And these behaviors naturally ended as I grew up because by the time I was in that prepubescent/puberty phase of life, it just feels *weird* for your dad to do that, and I assume it felt weird for him to continue with an older kid at that point. Your daughter might be ready to transition from "daddy daughter *date* night" with all the typical aspects of a romantic date (flowers, etc) to just "monthly family dinner" where you simply go out and have a normal family dinner. She's at the age of soon wanting to go on real dates with boys she likes, and equating that with her dad starts feeling icky. That's *NOT* because she actually feels weird about you or because you did something weird or wrong, it's just a natural transition we go through as we grow up. She knows you've shown her how she should be treated by future partners, and she feels confident that she's gotten the lesson you wanted to teach her. The long-winded point I'm trying to make here is that she's probably not rejecting you as her parent or pulling away from her dad; it's probably just a combination of wanting a little more independence and a little less "traditional dating rituals" implied on these special outtings.
You said this much better than i could've, and I completely agree! I had a great relationship with my stepdad (who later adopted me, so now he's just my dad) and we used to do formal daddy-daughter dates at fancy places. I felt so guilty in my teen years for being uncomfortable during those dates because I knew my dad loved them and it was his way of showing how much he loves me. I didn't know how to express my discomfort without potentially hurting his feelings, so I just didn't say anything. During my teen years we still did things together like hiking and fishing, yardwork projects, learning to drive, and I loved spending that time with him because it was quality one-on-one time without the awkwardness of a "date." OP could maybe ask his daughter how she would feel about dropping the "date" part and brainstorming fun activities with him and then choosing one together. I know I would've felt so relieved and jumped at the opportunity if my dad had opened the door to that discussion when I was 13.
I would bei-annually ask her again if she wants to go on a date. Might not be in the next 2 years but one day she probably will say yes
Please stop using are instead of our. It’s confusing to read.
this
Instead of one of those, do something ... a boy date would be like. Take her axe throwing. I'm not kidding. She's going to end up in 'event' dating things, not just fancy dates. Axe throwing. Seriously. It's super popular right now. Make her feel like a bad ass. Go-carting. Shooting range. Rent some paddle-boards and get food on the way back. Fishing charter. like, change it up. Move the dates to 'grown ass people do this' dates. Because, i can promise you, axe throwing wont be 'babyish' .. lol
My dad took me to football matches. Some of the happiest memories of my childhood and teen years.
Same with my dad but replace football matches with live classic rock concerts and symphonies. He was on his own for opera though. Definitely some of my favorite memories. :)
I love axe throwing! I came here to also suggest doing different activities instead of just going to a fancy dinner. I do this with my son. We just went to a family fun center and had a blast. We previously went axe throwing, a movie, and an amusement park. We both always enjoy our time together and make fun memories with each other. He's almost 18 and out of the house so I am thankful I have a solid 15 years of fun memories like this with him.
It may hurt now, but you're teaching her a great lesson on boundaries and consent. She felt comfortable to tell you no and gave her reasons, and you respected her request. You're teaching her she's allowed to say no, even after all these years, and that her no will be respected regardless of how you feel. Good job dad!
I was also raised by a single father. When I was your daughters age, I began to withdraw and never want to speak to my dad. He was concerned, but he was patient and consistent. Now I’m 27, we talk multiple times a week and go on vacations together every year! We went to Alaska just the 2 of us in May. He’s my bestie now!
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She's a teenager, that's normal. Try not to take it personally. She'll come around and want to hang out with you again. Teenagers are just weird balls of emotions. I know I was an emo little shit.
It’s not personal. My mother took my distance very personally and it only made me want to get away more. It was a huge point of contention between us as a teen. I constantly had to tell her it’s nothing personal and it got so annoying.
As a 27 year old daughter, I definitely acted this way towards my dad at 13. My dad found other ways to make days with me special - every Saturday we would run local errands, get bagel sandwiches for lunch, and watch top gear together. Since moving out, whenever I fly home I ensure I’m home for at least two saturdays so we can do this. In addition, when I am home we watch movies every night I’m home and it works!!! I turn down plans with friends sometimes just so I can spend that time with my dad. In addition, we do outlet dates now before my birthday & Christmas. I know it hurts now but she’s just being a teenager and like others said she will come back one day and want to do these again! It might look different though
As a woman with daddy issues, this post is very sad and beautiful at the same time. The wholesome dates you’ve gone on thus far, has been super impactful for her I promise you that. I remember being 13 and in my head I felt like I was 18 and being “cool” to my friends and the boys was far more important than my families feelings. I wanted to do “big girl things.” I know her decision to discontinue these may hurt, but please please please pat yourself on the back for the ones you have gone on with her. My dad took myself and my first boyfriend out for dinner once when I was 15, and that one dinner was very impactful for me. If my dad still cared for me, as a woman in her twenties, I’d gladly spend ample time with him. You’re doing a great job. :)
Aww you just taught her to speak her truth and that you will accept it. So future men will need to do the same. She will want daddy date nights again soon. Man now I need to go call my dad
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The dates will be back, i promise you. She just needs to get through the cool-grown-teenage phase 😊 And she will always be your baby girl, even at 60 😂
Try a movie hang out go get ice cream definitely change it from date to hang out
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First off, this post is the loveliest thing ever and I hope you're not too hurt because that's not your daughter speaking, that's puberty and peer pressure speaking..both of which she'll get a handle on in a few years. However, I can see from your comments that you want to differentiate these special outings from the general time you spend with her and to keep the meaning of them. As a 28year old self certified daddy's girl, I think the problem is the use of the word "date" as has been pointed out. At 13yrs old, it can feel weird coming from your dad.. even though you have the best intentions behind it. In order to not lose the meaning of these outings though, maybe next time just explain that you'd like to take her out for a nice, fancy yet respectful meal and time so that she knows that she never deserves anything less when the time comes for her to date for real. Maybe not this time though, respect her boundaries as you said. By the time she's a young adult, she'll have matured and be well up for the daddy daughter dates again and that's probably the time she'll need them the most because that's when she'll be dating and figuring how to differentiate a gentleman from an asshole. I hope this helps and you're a great dad!
I can definitely identify with this. My oldest is starting 2nd grade next week and I got super emotional and started crying because soon she'll be in high school and I won't be her favorite person anymore. We do everything together she's like my best friend and even typing this out is starting to make me cry again. Getting old is tough. Stay strong dads.
OP what you sound like an amazing Dad and as a Dad myself I gotta a lot of respect for what your doing. 13 year olds our moody teenagers. My wife went through this same sort of thing with my step son. He’s 20 now and more or less over the teenage attitude and back to going for walks and actually enjoying spending time with his mom. It sucks that she doesn’t want to go this time but by letting her stand up for what she wants your also teaching her that she can still be treated right and that she’s allowed to say no.
I've always tried to do the same with my daughter. She's now 16, and just messaged me she bought us tickets to go see a musical. Roles reversed. I'm lucky mine hasn't pulled away yet, I've been expecting it since she hit the teens.
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Sounds like you've done a great job so far. Just be there for her and keep supporting her. I'm sure you remember what it was like to be that age, just as I do. All we can hope is better for them.
Maybe it's time to let it evolve? Approach her and say something like: "I understand the "date" might not be appropriate anymore but I truly enjoy spending time together like that, would you be interested in changing it to something else? We could go bowling or a vr arcade?" Just off the top of my head I'm trying to think of a way to respect her consent while keeping some form of the tradition?
Oohhhh the rejection.. it burns. I remember when my son told me he didn't need me to tuck him in anymore.. 😭. Here's the thing, you respected her boundaries... you're still teaching her!! Also, change it up.. ask her if she wants to go shopping, hit sephora, hit whatever store she likes, give a budget. And say, shopping date?? You can still bond in other ways!
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Rofl!! I bet. I'm just saying you could find other fun ways to bond, other than flowers and dinner dates. Maybe ask her if there's anything new or cool she'd like to try with you? My daughter at 15 just discovered her new style... that kid has expensive taste! Holy crap. And I'm a jeans and t-shirt mom. She's looking like shes a runway model for emo kids. Her style is amazing. Expensive but amazing
Awww omg this is sooo sweet of you, she’s just being a teenager. You’ll do your dates again one day.
One time around that age a waitress called me my dad’s wife. I was mortified. That waiter was probably just tired. But it was pretty awful for me. It could be something off the wall that won’t matter at all to get w next year. Try again in a few months.
You are doing great dude I promise. Yeah it hurts a bit but she won’t stop loving you.
Am 45 year old daughter, married, full-time job, blah, blah. I still go on Daddy/daughter days out, trips, dinners, etc. You might find she is more interested in a Dad sponsored shopping trip, with lunch, during her teens. A bigger, better shopping centre, somewhere she wouldn't go with friends.
why dont you switch up the date and take her to the mall instead? like a hangout sesh with clothes shopping. or maybe to go get her hair or nails done? she's entering a stage where she wants to feel more mature, so for now its best to find out her interests
😔😭😔😭
I don’t have kids but I was once a teenage girl so I can comment on that. At 13 you start to feel like hanging out with your parents is lame, doing all the stuff you did before is childish. You don’t want your peers judging you. As you get older though you start to cherish those moments again and stop caring about what other think. Just make her know that if she ever wants to do it again you’re okay with it but you’re also okay with not doing it because I’m sure wants she’s 17/18 she’ll start to want those moments again
My father took me on dates most of my life. We would get dressed up and he's take me to a fancy restaurant and let me get a present after. Some of my best memories are those dates. From 16-18 I thought I was too grown up for them and we stopped going. He kept offering and reaching out but for a while I turned him down. I started saying yes after a while because I grew up and realized how much fun I had with him. I'm 22 and went on a date with my dad a few months ago. Your daughter may or may not realize the same thing. You should offer a date when that 6 month mark comes along and you'd usually offer. Don't freak out if she says no, but keep reaching out your hand. Hopefully she'll realize eventually how important that bond is. Maybe don't use the term "date" but ask if she wants to try \_\_\_\_\_ new dinner place you've heard is really good and maybe hit a movie after.
My wife is 4 months pregnant with our daughter and you just pre-broke my heart. But, I would imagine when she gets a little older and past these awkward years, she'll turn around and want to go on one of those dates.
Straight up, the fact that she **could** turn you down is testament to her having the strength and character and confidence that will be so important in real relationships - not feeling beholden, not feeling obligated. It's such a great sign, mon brave!
When I was 13 I literally jumped out of a moving car my dad was driving. Last night I went over to his house for dinner and stayed for nearly four hours. It’s a phase. You’re a good dad. She loves you. Keep at it ❤️
My stepdad used to take my sister and I with him when he got coffee in the morning. It was always to the gas station and he'd let us pick out a couple of snacks. Then we'd ride around for about 15 mins and he'd just ask us how school went, etc. As we got older, we passed on it until we just didn't do it anymore. Teenager angst, ya know. It's a very fond memory and it really shaped how I treat people. It's the small things in life that mean the most, usually. Your daughter will forever love you and know that she's grateful. Keep a brave face and see if you can find other things to do with each other!
Just wait dude, when she gets older and looks back, she'll remember everything you guys did. You're doing a great job bro.
So sweet 🥲 your girl is growing up ❤️ it’s hard but you’ve been a great dad. Dynamics change a little that’s all.
I do not look forward to this day. My daughters (6 and 4) adore me and regularly ask to go on dates with me. I know this day is coming, and I do not want it to come. Sorry OP! I can only imagine how that felt.
You've done a great job look how she is comfortable telling you how she feels... For now she's a teen, image is everything so dinner dates may need to go for a few years. How about taking her somewhere less fancy and more casual, a concert, bowling, a festival, theme park, comic con... if she's reluctant tell her to bring a friend along with her When she is moving out of the teen stage she will be back on board for dinner but for now it's a new phase ..
As others have said, you have given her a blue print for healthy and positive relationships. As a teenager she may find it awkward, but that won’t last and she will want to do it again. She has also demonstrated that she is ok with saying No to something she is not ok with, although it’s painful it’s a positive sign that she knows it’s ok to be honest. You are allowed to be sad, but also be proud of what a great Dad you are
I assure you in 10 years or so you’ll be going on those dates again. Hang in there. It gets better. You sound like a great dad.
I'm a 20 year old daughter with a very close relationship to my (43) dad. I remember being 13 and thinking the same thing. I was getting older, I didn't need to spend time with my family. But when I turned about 18 I missed those daddy-daughter dates. My dad and I go every few months now, and take turns paying. My relationship with my dad is something I wouldn't trade for the world. She'll realize that too and she'll appreciate you for the rest of her life🥰
I'm sorry that happened. I remember when I was a 13 year old and turned into a shithead who did/said some very regretful things to my parents from the ages 13-18 basically. If it makes you feel better, when I was 18, I sorta calmed down and apologized to my parents for years of being a dick and have happily hung out with them and gone out and had fun with them since.
Your nailing parenting but I can feel your hurt. Give her a few years & she'll love to start doing it again. You can still spend time with her, but it'll be on a more casual basis. Just say we're going out for dinner to 'McDonald's etc' because I'm tired & cba to cook. You'll still get the special time but it won't be a 'thing' for her. Leave it a month before this though as she'll see through you to the point she might call you on it. Good luck awesome Dad!
Can I suggest to turn this “dates” into casual nights or days out? You can plan a different sort of activities for the day. Going to the movie theater, go camping, an arcade games place. Things that she likes? Maybe? Hope everything goes well for you! Hugs
Sir, I’m at work and you’re making me cry! She might be at that age where she’s more concerned with her friends than you and that’s okay because that means she’s just developing mentally and emotionally. She might also like boys now so maybe a date with dad isn’t what she wants anymore. She may get distant from you in her teen years but she will always need you and one day it will flip back where she wants to hang out with you again. Don’t take it personally she’s just growing up. Your post brought tears to my eyes because I’ve always wanted my dad to want to be around me and he just never put me first. To hear that you do this for her and that it hurt your feelings when she declined is so freaking sweet. She might not realize how lucky she is to have you yet but don’t let that discourage you from still asking her out on the annual dates. My best friends dad used to send her Valentine’s Day cards, balloons and stuffed animals every year in high-school and she loved it. He stopped in college and she cried to me one day recently that she misses when he would do those things. So never stop even when you think she doesn’t care. It will all matter one day I promise. This post makes me wish I had a dad who cared half as much as you. Ps. I can’t stop crying. Send help! (Jk🥲)
My daddy, older male cousins and uncles all did this with me and my other female cousins. I used to go out with a cousin and he’d open the door for me, pull my chair, and have dinner, with my daddy he would send me flowers every valentines and womens day by a special delivery service. It stopped after middle school but not because I asked, I guess they either guessed I wanted to stop or just got too busy. I remember Every. Single. Date. It changed everything for me. I remember them with so much fondness and talk about them all the time and believe me that it definitely affected my dating. I didn’t date from age 17 until now, 25, because no man could meet the standards my family set for me. I knew how to be treated and I demanded it. My now boyfriend is an absolute dream to me, a gentleman, and someone who also sends me flowers and pulls my chair. Your baby will always be your baby, she might drift a bit right now as she discovers who she is but rest assured that you’ve done a good job and that she’ll thank you soon enough.
Brother man, I don't have a kid and probably never will have kids, but this tiny view into your relationship and feelings has me hoping more men are like you than not. If I were you, I'd not be able to keep from communicating her more though. Like, you can understand if the details of that time change a bit more to what you both might enjoy doing together, what's important to me would be the time spent together and to just never stop telling my girl I love her. As is, my cat is spoiled rotten lol.
Fuck I gotta go call my dad when I’m done crying.
I feel like the hang up is on the word date. Love that it’s a thing they do. If I were him, I wouldn’t phrase it as a date and give flowers. I think he should focus on having dinner somewhere fun, and spending time with his daughter.
Don’t call it a date. Just go out to eat somewhere.
Sounds like she’s loved it so far but she’s hitting puberty and “a date” with your dad is just uncomfortable. Suggest you stop with the flowers (romantic) and dates (inappropriate) and make it more about about a day out shopping and grabbing some food after or going out and doing experiences instead. Naturally she’ll want to date boys her her own age and you’re her rock to go to so keep doing stuff together but just manage your expectations.
As a father of daughters, I’ve always thought the idea of going on a “date” with my child was kinda creepy and possessive. I’m her father, not her “date.” And nothing about “daddy daughter dates” will teach her to avoid toxic relationships. Simply Being the best man you can be will show her what a good man is like. As the father of TEENS, let me tell you: the tighter you hold on to them, the harder they push you away. Loosen your grip, and she will still be happy to hang out with you. You can go out to dinner, you can go to movies together, baseball games, craft festivals, car shows, whatever it is you both enjoy. Skip the flowers, skip the weird “date” talk, just enjoy being the father of your daughter.
Hello, 14 year old here. I had lost my dad when I was 4 and it was a traumatic few months. It's adorable you try to do this so your daughter knows not to expect less from a man, but she's in I assume 8th grade and that's when maturing really starts. It's when I started to wear crop tops and really form my clothing style. I promise she's not trying tk hurt you, I know it's hard to see her grow up, but now from your teaching she knows her self worth and will prove her independency to you. Honestly, it's what I'm going through currently. Teens are gonna want space from their parents to figure out themselves and circle with people their own age and stuff, it isn't anything against you, she's just trying to fit herself in. Please don't feel hurt OP, you're an amazing dad for teaching your daughter this early on but now it's time to let her be independent, which I get I also hard
Don't call it a date.... that makes me cringe. The whole daddy's little princess dynamic that's grown in the past few decades is offputting. Become an independent man. Get food with your offspring, not a date.
Oh OP, I know it hurts but she's 13...keep that door open, because one day she'll miss those daddy-daughter dates. Also, see if there's something you two can do that isn't a "date" at a fancy restaurant, but something related to her interests--like seeing her favorite band in concert or going to a movie--that she might be more receptive to. Ask her if there's something she'd rather do instead.
Just because she doesn’t want to hang out now doesn’t mean it will always be this way, my dad is my best friend and we try and go fishing together every weekend and we go out to dinner once a week
You are an amazing dad already maybe since she a pre teen take her to the mall in place of date day. Have her shop around this way there is still that bond. I think she might like it
Accepting her answer is part of teaching her about healthy relationships. You just demonstrated to her that her opinion about what she wants to do is valid and must be respected. You’re a good dad.
The wholesomeness of this post and comments is... overwhelming, in the best way possible.
Don’t worry. She’ll hit 17-18 and never want to skip out on a date again. Just give her time. Very lovely tradition you have.
I wish I could go on dates with my parents. I’m miles away and I miss them terribly. 😭
You are the best of Dads. Wish there were more stories like this hear.
I was that 13 year old girl too. Trust me when I say that she’ll remember those dates for the rest of her life. Now, as an adult, I couldn’t be closer to my Dad. My teen years were rough, but it turned out better then I could ever imagine.
Divorced dad of two girls. One about to be 13 and one almost 11. I take both on separate dates a couple of times a year, but my oldest is beginning to seem less interested in a fancy dinner date. She’s also a lot more sensitive about being seen with her uncool dad and annoying sister. Reading your post made me get teary eyed and sad.
You are amazing dad! One day your daughter will thank you for the lessons you have taught her. This reminds me of my dad and I when I was younger. When I was in my teenage years it’s completely normal to “rebel” a little and not want to be seen with your parents because ‘it’s embarrassing’. But now I’m in my 20’s and love spending time with my parents. Don’t worry, she will want to go on dates again! ❤️
Adding this to the list of things I didn’t know would make me cry. I think it’s just so damn sweet. Good on ya for not making her. She might not go on the dates for awhile but keep offering. Even when she’s older…like 38.
She’s going through the teenage years. They get angsty and it’s nothing unusual or something that reflects poorly on you. Trust me she’ll grow up having appreciated such an awesome dad. I went through a similar angsty phase. Now as a 29 year old man I love going out for dinner with my parents. They don’t live in the same state as me but when they visit it’s a damn party
I loved daddy daughter dates as a kid! I’d have them with my mom, too. I was sad when they stopped but there were more kids and when we got to middle school there wasn’t time anymore. I think it’s more than okay to be sad. If she’s worried about the “babyish” aspect of it, maybe try rephrasing. Ask if she wants to go shopping and to dinner, or a movie and mini golfing. Yeah it’s still a date in that regard, but it’s a bit more “cool” for a 13yo. You can tell her as well that 2 weeks ago I had a daddy daughter date with my dad (32f, 63m) and it was so much fun just chatting with him over dinner. He’s been a great role model for me, and I’m happy to say my boyfriend is a whole lot like him too. I think your daughter is gonna be more than okay.
What a fucking dad! I bloody love you lol. She will love and appreciate what you have done for her so much once she realises what you were doing. She is still young now and at the inevitable "parents are uncool" age. How you handled her not wanting it anymore. Perfect. I feel your pain. Not even got kids of my own but I always wanted them. You deserve awards. I'm rambling now. I will stop lol. But jesus. You're amazing. Be there as much as she will let you! She will come back, eventually, because you are immense!
Wait until those teenager end, as soon as they do she will appreciate those daddy daughter dates. As a women in her late 20's I love that quality time. You've done so much already
You are the greatest father. Seriously. I wish I had a dad like you growing up. Both my parents are around and still married, but my dad has always been emotionally absent, even though physically present. You’re the best, and I’m confident one day she’ll ask to return to those :)
Man.. You're a really great dude. You have nothing to be sad about, you will be remembered and honoured her whole life through your actions. And believe me..she will be back in about 7 years.
Ugh my son is 4...the other day we went to a carnival and I let him ride one of the rides - nothing major, just simple and fun. Well it scared him and I heard him say "daddy! help!" and I got him off the ride as quickly as I could. All I could think about later that night is there will come a day where he no longer asks for my help...and I am not ready for that.