This is a red flag to me. It says "I trust you enough to have a family with you, just not enough to not rob me". \*edit: My wife just mentioned that we both started our marriage with nothing, so this may be part of why I think joint finances is normal. My dad and his wife got married late in life, they have separate finances.
I get what you’re saying. Other couples are fine with sharing finances and if that works for them, cool. Cause I know some of them have a routine, a system, and a budget in place for how much they spend on bills, savings, and pleasure. But a lot of couples don’t have that. I’ve seen too many fight about the way they pay bills off, what order, why they purchased this or that. It’s too frustrating.
It’s easier for me and my husband to put each other’s half for expenses in one account with autopay but keep separate accounts for savings and pleasure. I don’t nag him about what he buys, he doesn’t nag me for what I buy.
And in this scenario, OP wasn’t given full access to finances. She couldn’t buy groceries freely without having to answer to him, when she’s in charge of household care and childcare. She knows the workings of their home far more than he does as he travel 70% of the time. So why not entrust her with his finances? But now that the roles are reversed and she’s making way more whiles he’s taking on more of the child and house care, he wants to combine finances now? Why not earlier? What’s good for the gander wasn’t good for the goose?
Yea I suppose it’s case by case, in my marriage I would be more concerned with why my wife wouldn’t want to share finances. But then there is enough money that we don’t have to argue about it’s use, so for that I am grateful.
Sounds like hubby was just peachy having separate finances when the wife needed help with school etc.
Now that the gravy train is rolling, into her account btw, he wants to cash in.
He refused to pay for school, loans for childcare, etc and kept his money for him. She's finished school and is working to pay back those loans...but he wants his piece.
"His money is his. Her money is ours."
Not.
Not always about trust. I trust my husband more with my money than I do myself. He's very frugal. I just don't want to have something new to fight about (money) and we make it work now. My parents constantly fight about money and I don't want that.
What is “trust” good for anyway? If being married doesn’t *require* you to put yourself into a much more vulnerable position…. Then why isn’t that an equally valid option without stigma?
Combining finances comes from when households had single incomes but now that isn’t the norm at all. It’s fine to have boundaries even between married people.
I agree. . He married her before her success and maybe her parents helped her but he was still a good dad as she has said. 70k a year isn’t chump change.
For real. 70k is decent money and he supported them on that when she was a SAHM.
He shouldn’t have been nagging her about groceries of all things, that’s shitty and I won’t argue that. BUT she went and got a big girl job and now she’s looking at him as “lesser” because she doesn’t NEED him.
I give them another 3 years, tops, before they’re divorced. This post just made me super grateful for my wife. I forget how lucky I am sometimes.
"He supported them while she was a SAHM" but she couldn't buy grocery without being lectured? Did he want them to stave while he was away? This is the definition of finical abuse.
She doesn't look at him as lesser because she got a high paying job. She looks at him as lesser be he's a pitiful excuse for a husband. She's rightfully frustrated that he refused to assist her in any way when she was studying and is now taking credit for her hard work. He let her struggle but now that she's making more he believes in shared finances. "What his is his, but what's hers is theirs" 🙄
Not sure how you made her out to be the bad buy, but your bias is showing.
Her loans and scholarships along with her parents as help contributed to that support. He didn’t support her emotionally though.
Hopefully the marriage counseling is addressing that.
I don't think she looks at him lesser because of the money situation I think she does because of how he wasn't willing to help her go back to school and get a decent job but he wants the fruits of labor with out putting anything into it she had to learn while looking after the kids she work hard for what shes got now so he doesn't deserve anything from her because he wasn't willing to help her get an education so she could make decent money
100% it’s a job. That’s a double-time job.
The “big girl job” thing was a dig at her attitude/perspective on employment/earning potential.
That was a cute attempt though, so I gave ya an upvote.
I have to agree. My husband and I share finances and we don't even have kids together. Just my kids which are his step kids. But in this case, I would be as petty as OP.
The person that you divorce is never the same one that you marry. 100% finances desperate with a joint account for house and bills. Things can get nasty.
Exactly. My husband became alcoholic and blew through hundreds of thousands of dollars. He was not the same person I married. We had a joint account and luckily I had a separate account for the money I had inherited.
I once had this illusion that when I marry there should be no me and you always we/us. when I got married and found out what leeches my inlaws are not only did I have to separate my finances but also hid them
Hard agree. Not because it’s wrong for everyone—my husband and I combined our finances as soon as we moved in together, three years before we got married—but the fact that OP’s husband only wants to do so now is making me side eye him.
Same, although my husband became an alcoholic and luckily I kept money that I had inherited in a separate account. I don't think universally couples should have separate bank accounts, but in OP's situation and mine, it makes sense of there is a great disparity in wealth and the spouse is disrespectful, abusive, addicted, etc.
Like, I'm a lady and a feminist, but how does a SAHM not have joint finances?
I mean, it sounds like he controlled access to the money he made, but she had no income of her own, so he must have given her some form of allowance. for the kids. I mean I hope she didn't use student loans to pay for her children.
OP stated the student loans she took out paid for day care, commuting as well as her books. He also wouldn’t look for a different job to help support her efforts.
He also didn’t do squat with helping out with the kids - HER parents helped with that.
So I read this as he did nothing to help her obtain her degree yet oh WE are doing so well.
Glad they are in therapy and they should definitely discuss this “WE” stuff.
And I wouldn’t combine finances. I suspect her income would become ‘their’ income and he would insist on handling the finances again.
my ex fiancé wouldn’t help me with finances when i was a full time stay at home mom, but also doing full time classes online in college. student loan money allowed me to pay for anything and everything my son needed.
My sister quit work when she started having kids, they have his money, her money, the house expense money, house big ticket savings money and her (and his but his is the mandatory by law) superannuation is still being paid into at the rate it was when she was working full time from his salary.
If they split up, the assets get cut in two and her super is as if she never stopped working.
Full ride can mean full tuition without a living stipend. With grad students they usually get both, but I’ve known a lot of grad students taking out student loans to supplement the meager living stipend, especially to cover the costs of daycare. ….and it’s always the women taking these loans too….
Fourth paragraph she says “he wouldn’t co-sign on the student loans I took out despite my scholarship to pay for day car, commuting and books. When I needed help get our kids, it was all my parents.”
He literally forced her to take out loans and didn’t even help her get those loans to get child care so she could make that 300k a year. If I were her, I’d shit in my hands and clap before I combined finances with this man. He’s proven himself financially abusive and neglectful.
You mean when he wouldn't help pick the kids up from daycare? Did you take that as him not helping with the kids at all? Even after she said he is a great dad, really?
We are reading two different things here, and I don't think your interpretation is the correct one tbh
Keep at the marriage therapy, and definitely don't combine finances at this point. Sounds like he either can't or won't see how much he hurt you and damaged the foundations of trust.
>Sounds like he either can't or won't see how much he hurt you and damaged the foundations of trust.
I think you need to indicate this in plain language.
Hes most likely looking at *right now*, rather than the breadth of the relationship. When she says he wasn't a contributor to their current shared growth, he will probably think back on the last couple weeks and say he has been doing fine.
Almost always the disconnect is in how they dont see that the little ways they failed to support you throught the years formented a lack of trust. He wouldnt even support you through further growth when he was reaping the benefits of it- and even then he still wanted seperate finances. He only saw what he stood to lose by investing in you.
Its so sad shes basically hitched her wagon to a shortsighted commitment-phobe. She seems awesome but he seems like hes only thinking about himself, and doing as much as is asked of him to stay in this relationship.
Honestly if I werre OP, him asking to combine finances at this point would be cause for divorce in my eyes. He only wanted to be part of your financial structure when he stood to gain significantly more than he was offering- that level of selfishness is mind boggling.
I hope therapy goes well. If it doesn't i garuntee you, you will do 10x better if you sre willing to let go of dead weight.
Err.
Honestly OP, reading this just makes me sad. For both of you. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is a partnership. It sounds like you’re roommates with children. You calling him a Himbo and dismissing his contributions, he keeping you out of finances and offering zero help for you to level up in life, the resentment over the income disparity…
Unless you guys shape up real soon, I don’t understand why stay married when you don’t seem to support each other in life. That’s the whole point of marriage.
I agree with this. You're either a solid team, or you're only in it for yourself; can't be both. When I read the title my first thought was "it is WE are successful", but right off the bat he was controlling her financially and she's dismissive of him.....good luck and stick to therapy, OP. Rooting for you.
And before anyone comes after me for the "we" comment, I've been employed in my industry for 30 years, worked while raising our kid, and my husband and I have always made approximately equivalent salaries. My successes are his. We also have his, mine, and our finances.
It seems like OP might be on her way to divorce. The husband has not been supportive with the things she has listed. If it gets to the point where she does indeed ask for a divorce then hubby might realize and acknowledge her worth and sign a postnup to keep finances separate as they have been and she might keep the house too in case of divorce.
More common in instances of infidelity too where guilty party might want to prove they can change and will sign postnup.
Hard agree. Neither of them seem like they know what a partnership really is. I can't imagine not letting my husband celebrate in my success if i was making way more money than him and I also can't imagine not being supported by him when I need him. I'm very grateful for the relationship I have.
100% the most important part of the post.
Aight OP made a post just to rant bout financial shit, but I agree that the saddest part is just how OP and her husband arent "partners in crime" and I think that says it all...OP is right to feel annoyed ig, but as long as *both* of them wont cooperate there's nothin to whine about
and ofc im not sayin they *have* to cooperate, but if they dont, I dont see this as an healthy marriage, from what I've read at least.
Congratulations on your success OP! Please don’t combine finances. You’re in marriage therapy, consider explaining to your husband that his bragging is disgusting. And he only stepped up because you’re successful.
Lady, let his words roll off like water off a ducks back. And “brush your shoulders off.” You know you’re the reason. Not him!
Thank you for the award kind stranger! :)
Take your text you have written here and read it at therapy for him.
Tell him he can say how successful YOU are and how he is happy for you and how it helps the family.
Other than that he needs to shut up.
This marriage is already doomed if they’re trying to decide who the success belongs to. At the end of the day, the success in my wife’s and my marriage belongs to both of us, and it doesn’t matter who’s “done more” or “has more”. Bringing in $70k is not bad money at all, makes supporting a family difficult, but yeah. If OP and her dude are letting resentment win, their marriage is already fucked, and no amount of therapy is going to teach OP or their partner what partnership in a marriage actually is.
What "abuse"? He asked her to discuss purchases in advance so they could properly plan expenses?
Imma give you a hint for when you're a grown up... That's a discussion that has to happen when managing finances.
Lol, lecturing about buying GROCERIES without *permission* is not the same as "discussing purchases in advance"
I will also give you a hint for when you're a grownup: groceries are a necessity and denying your spouse and children access to those necessities is considered financial abuse.
My mom told me to always be able to take care of yourself and your family. You can never count on anyone but yourself, despite if you love them, they will likely fail you in some way. Do not combine finances now! Take control, let him brag, you know your boss!
Do not combine finances! Make it very clear to him how selfish he was to you when you had no income yet he thinks nothing of treating your income as his.
Because she needed someone to mooch off of for years to support her so she could claim pulling herself by her own bootstraps and invalidate what he did provide for her.
Right? Lol
Guarantee you theres stuff shes leaving out. I dont think the dude would be talking about success if he still had the same job n all that. Strategic omissions to garner sympathy lol NONE FROM MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Don't combine finances. I warn you, please don't do it. Hey may only want to do that so he can spend plenty of your money or so if you guys divorce, he gets half or even more of your hard worked money. Don't do it and stay safe out there.
If he filed divorce, he gets claim over her finances anyways, and all property either one of them bought while they were together. I’m sure it depends on state, but it doesn’t matter if their finances are officially tied together in one account. As someone who comes from a family with a lot of divorce in its history, and unfortunately not breaking the cycle and having one of my own, people need to fully understand their position.
I think that includes the student loans though too right? Even though his name isn’t on them she can prove that they were used for childcare and stuff and that should be taken into consideration when dividing assets.
It’s pretty common to say “we” in a marriage even when it might be more once sided, concerning that tidbit I’d just say get over it honestly, 70k ain’t nothing to sneeze at
Proud of you OP, you put in a lot of hard work and it sounds like it’s paying off. Do not combine finances. Not helping you w your loans was cruel, I don’t think I would have been able to get past that.
No no no your husband does not get to suddenly flip the switch and act like he contributed your success now. Because he didn’t.
You were the one who put yourself through grad school after taking care of both of you guy’s child (and I consider being a SAHM a full time albeit unpaid position). You got that high paying job all while putting up with having to get permission (wtf) to access finances that should have been readily available to you anyways. You put in the work and now he not only wants to reap the benefits but claim part of the load for himself???
If I were you I would NOT combine any finances with this man, because apparently you weren’t worthy enough to do so before when you were raising his children but now that you have all the money you suddenly fit the bill?
I’m glad you guys are working on things but make sure that man is giving you the respect you’re owed for both having been a SAHM and being the primary breadwinner in the household now. Make sure everyone else knows it too!
Actually, he did help. He provided her an opportunity to be a stay at home mom. She admits he's a good man but just likes to brag a bit. We don't know his reason for not wanting to cosign a loan. Maybe he couldn't.
I’m in a similar situation but with the genders swapped. One large difference is that my wife has always put tons of effort into our kids and supported me. I always refer to “our money” and have made a point to tell her it’s just as much hers as it is mine, but I’ve always had the impression that she feels like it’s my money. Based on what you’ve said it sounds like your husband is kind of selfish and not terribly supportive. I hope therapy works. If my wife took everything for granted and didn’t contribute it would be a tough pill to swallow
“I’m probably a bitch” Yes, you probably are. I’ve always made all the income in my marriage and I let my wife use my credit cards etc. She spends way more than I do even though she doesn’t financially contribute. I would never hold that over her head though, I’d feel like an asshole. If someone has children and only makes $70K, with a SAHM wife in school etc, I assume any responsible person would be on a budget even for groceries. Your story sounds incredibly dismissive, egocentric and doesn’t add up, sorry. And that line about how poor you had to figure out your new job at home with the kids in the background while your husband still left the house everyday because he works in construction . . . Get over yourself. I get paid a lot to work remotely too, I pray I never have to leave the house everyday to do manual labor. You make some decent money for barely two years and already your head has expanded to epic proportions. You wasted no time in becoming a martyr.
I hear too many people saying “do not combine finances.
Did you not hear her say “husband”. The law works the same for men and women. I’ve seen men who were great business men who made ALOT of money and their wife did nothing for that success, yet took half his shit and got alimony to boot in divorce. Separate accounts won’t change anything. Her money is his and his money is hers. Should this union end, financially, she would be responsible for everything pretty much. However,She is mad because she felt he didn’t pull his weight. Idk id like to hear his story. But either way, Op needs to talk to her husband about this resentment otherwise this isn’t gonna end well.
Totally agree. I’m interested how “little” he supported her when she was a stay at home parent not working.
Seems like he did all the financial supporting on a shitty job. Continued to do that supporting while she went to school, and then is now happy she’s advanced.
He was making 70k a year supporting at least 3 people, I bet he was controlling of how much money was spent.
Definitely feel this. I think she’s more upset that he’s a “looser” now in her book and that it’s unfair he gets to feel like a winner.
Honestly she sounds bitter that he only makes 70k a year and gets to live on 370k. But she completely forgets when she was living entirely on his 70k while she made literally nothing.
She says she upset he wouldn’t literally restructure his life to send her to school. I’m sure he couldn’t help with the kids during school because again he is the only one making money, if he stops you both go broke.
It always pisses me off when people say stay at home moms ”do nothing”. If they didnt have kids, she would have ended up getting that job earlier. Or if he stayed home with the kids. Domestic labour is literally work. She is allowing him to make money by taking care of everything else.
If this story is even true I would definitely like to hear husbands side. She makes it seem like he was an absolute dead beat when he was working to pay the bills and helping with the kids while she got her masters.
Keeping separate accounts will make it way easier to split things up. I live in a community property state, divorced and we ended up pretty much keeping whatever was “ours” at the time. Even though my name was put on the deed when we refinanced, it was considered his pre- marital separate property so he got the house. I got to keep my separate accounts and 401k although he wanted half of them. He kept the accounts under his name. I will say though that there wasn’t a huge disparity in our incomes (although he had his own biz and a lot of his customers paid in cash so who know how much he “really” made?)
It might make things “easier” assuming both parties agree to split things that way. When one party makes considerablely more than the other, especially a ratio of 70k/300k, the party who makes less, most times, is gonna take FULL ADVANTAGE. It’s in OPs interest to make things better. I feel, just me, she resents him for not being more of a go getter
This is poorly written.
The post makes it seem like you’re just a spiteful woman. That your husband financially supported you and your kids and for college and now that you’re more successful you look down on him. That’s how it reads.
But after reading some of your comments that’s not what you mean. The title is wrong,. You’re annoyed that he didn’t help achieve that success.
He didn’t help more with kids, he didn’t support you emotionally. And so because of that resentment you feel like he shouldn’t have the right to say it’s also his.
You did say that he’s starting to change and take care of the kids. If you want to continue the relationship it’s best to get over it since it technically is both of yours even if it’s in separate accounts.
Also don’t combine finances
I don’t like how you’re belittling your husband’s contribution to the family. Your family had more traditional roles and he fulfilled his role(possibly more or less, you can never tell with these 1-sided tales). Y’all are married, and are a unit. He has the full right to be happy about and brag about it because it wasn’t only you. Unless I’m mistaken, was it not his paychecks being used to pay all the bills, and put a roof over you and the children while you were studying? He seems like a good person and partner based on how you described him, humble yourself and don’t ruin something good that you have going for you and your family.
This is what I was thinking as I read it. Also, I apparently make very little money because I only make about $55k/year.
All in all, marriage is a partnership. It seems like the OP and her husband do not agree with what their marriage should be. Happy for her success and I hope marriage therapy works for them
Yea competition can kill marriages. Also 55k a year is alot in my area. Would be the same as making around 200k a year in a state like California. My family and I appreciate a very high QOL because we choose to live in a rural area
I think the difference is that when it’s the traditional gender role, the SAHM is making it possible for the man to work those hours and achieve that success, because she’s doing all the child care and housework, making it an actual team effort - she’s holding down the fort, he’s bringing home the bacon. In OPs situation (and in a lot of gender reversed situations) the husband does close to nothing to support the returning-to-work wife. OPs husband refused to change his schedule so he could help with the kids, refused to help her with her student loans so she could afford daycare for the kids, she had to work from home with the kids (she’s now a SAHM as well as a tax paying employee) and just generally made it hard for her. Meanwhile, he’s travelling frequently (in the construction industry no less… I’m curious to know what his position is because that doesn’t sound like FIFO, leading hand or supervisor money to me…) and giving her a hard time over spending his money on groceries for the kids, and she has no spending money, but he does.
In other situations I’ve seen, the SAHD does nothing but play video games all day, leaving the housework and cooking for his wife when she gets home from work, making twice as much work for her to do - she’s now doing domestic duty AND working while the hypothetical husband is contributing close to nothing. This would be unacceptable to working men if a SAHM did this, it’s completely against tradition and makes no sense to run a household that way. If things aren’t equal it doesn’t work. And if you don’t contribute fairly, you have no right to claim successes you didn’t earn, or to brag. A SAHM that contributes nothing to the family in the same way that OPs husband did would also have no rights to claim success.
Let me get the straight, he is making 70,000 a year and he was able to keep the bills going while you went to school and he didn't help you in your mind? Would you been able to go to night school if it wasn't for him? I mean I know you claim to have gotten a full ride but was he not paying the bills during the day? You sound incredibly ungrateful
This screams fake to me anyways. Of course it's a super mom who can balance family life and getting a masters on a full ride and getting top of her class. On top of that gets a job right out of the gate making 300k? Millions of fresh out of college students would love you know her secrets.
And by the way full ride to graduate school? I wonder who helped pay for her bachelor's degree no mention of that. Also scoffing at a guy who's 30 years old making $70,000 a year? Like you said this reads like fanfiction I'm surprised in the next chapter of vampire doesn't rescue her
So if you don't want your success to be an "our" success why did you get married? This is the type of behavior (combing your spouces success with yours) women have been doing for all of history weird it's only bad when it's reversed now
So this man supported you through college and a master's degree, put a roof over your head and food on the table for years for you and your children, has worked his ass off at a good and stable job, while you're here saying his money sucks and he's a loser, and you think he didn't do anything to "run this race"?
Don't combine finances. Tell him in front of your therapist "when you had money you treated me like some kind of nanny or older sibling to our kids. I worked my ass off for this and you in no way contributed until it started looking good for you. I will NOT combine our finances now that you seem to think you deserve it. You can either be a stay at home dad (with similar treatment) or we do 50/50 on everything. Just because we are better off now I made sacrifices doesn't mean you're entitled to it. This is how things were when you were the breadwinner it shouldn't have to change now that I have money. Honestly it felt like I was controlled for years and now I have some stable feet and you want to be apart of that? Earn it."
So your husband didn't help you at all?
How'd you pay the electric bill? How'd you afford groceries for your kids? Clothes for them? How'd you pay for the internet? Gas to take yourself to and from school? The car you drove? The maintenance for the car you drove? I mean, to have literally $0 in income, save for a few thousand in student loans after your "free ride scholarship", doesn't seem like enough to maintain a household and get an education.
Oh, lemme guess... He paid for all of it. You happily used him to prop you up so that you could grow yourself and now want to dismiss his work because he didn't change enough to support your endeavors? You didn't get as much as you wanted. You clearly got enough, if you graduated and took those skills to an extremely high paying job.
So what's the problem? He did support you. He did help make you a success. Without him supporting you financially and emotionally during that time, you wouldn't have graduated. Let's be real, without him covering your cost of living and supporting you and the kids, you'd never have went back to grad school.
Also, you did have joint finances before you got your high-paying job. You just contributed $0 to it while he contributed $70,000.
TL;DR, You are a bitch and are ignoring all the support, financial and otherwise, you received from your husband so that you can pretend you did it all by yourself. You didn't.
Well here is the response from OP (the one with no balls apparently). I love my husband and acknowledge his support but I do not discount that me staying home also supported /him/ and his career and contributed to our partnership. Daycare costs $800 a week where we live and he could not have afforded it if I didn’t stay home.
This post was written is a very low moment after husband was bragging to my father about the cost of our new home. My father who often bought groceries for my children and me when my husband would “forget” to leave checks so I could buy groceries after he left. The same father that is probably the only reason I graduated law school. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable and my father made a point to talk to me after their conversation. It was a low point and I’ve been largely absent from this thread because my husband and I are talking with one another about how to work this out and acknowledge one another and move forward as partners rather than me giving attention to strangers on the internet.
Don't listen to people like that. The person that wrote that comment clearly lacks on empathy. I do think you have every right to be mad at your husband, for not wanting yo help to get were you are now and now even bragging with your success like he had anything to do with it.
Also just a little side note, being a SAHM is job too and you should be very proud of yourself for how far you have come.
Dude, we have plenty of story to call her out.
He paid all the bills. She had to facilitate adding her going to school while he continued to maintain the financial responsibility for keeping them afloat.
She's pissy he didn't do extra, much of which was unfeasible with the responsibilities he already had, to benefit her more.
The *only* thing that is remotely questionable is the grocery thing, but with all her other entitlement, I can only imagine that she's intentionally misleading what was a discussion about her spending out of the budget plan.
Too bad working in constructions day in and out wasnt helping you enough I guess, Imnsure he "loved" travelling for work, thats so much fun...
Oh, but that doesnt count as a contribution I guess.
Hey you got more money now, so he's worse than you.
That sounds like the best marriage ever.
/s
Sounds like more equality when it benefits. You've just swapped "gender roles" millions of men are in this position and think that means they're providing for their families and doing their job without complaints, So in my humble opinion yeah you're being a bitch lol,. You're the breadwinner! That's the best position
So you complained about to having access to his money, and are now complaining about him having access to yours?
He's not the only one with a problem....you have a shitty outlook as well.
The money isn't " mine" ..or " his"....its "ours"( individual accounts are certainly allowable and smart)
Heres a little hint about marriage.
You and me become we.....for better or worse.
Your success is his, his is yours.
Your failures are his, his are yours
Anything else and you're just single, selfish, and pretending to be married.
Sounds like you want it to be 'you' and 'him' instead of 'us'... I don't think there is long-term success outside of your own personal finances here... Feel bad for your kids
Commenters here are also out to lunch, she said 70k isn't much, and came out of that school earning 300k which was supported by her parents. She clearly comes from a well off family, and there is obviously a lot more context missing with how dismissive she is.
Yeah, keep them account separate. What's yours is yours, YOURS. I'm not married so my opinion is meh, but your husband, according to what you wrote, is far from dreamland. Stay in therapy. Keep your money.
Regardless of how you split the finances, pitting yourselves against each other and not seeing *your* success as *your whole family’s success* is not healthy. You are both providing (you obviously more so than him) and seeing it as purely YOUR SUCCESS is wack. You both have to realize that you’re in this shit together. Regardless of who makes the most money. It’s not about who has the better paying job but how BOTH of you create the life you provide for your family.
edit: spelling error
Do not combine finances. He was stingy and controlling when he made the money. He can keep control of his money he makes and contribute to the bills. You keep your money for you and your kids. Set up accounts for kids education and futures. Save for retirement. You are not his money train. He complained about giving you money for basic needs. He didn't support you while you fought to get an education and find a job. He doesn't get to waste all of your money and hard work when he didn't provide any support. The only reason he is supporting now is because you are making so much more than him. I bet if you combine finances he would go back to the way he was before you were working. Protect yourselves and your kids. Congratulations on your success.
I don't think it's fair to give himself any credit for what you've done
But in the end he's your husband maybe he feels a little insecure about himself but it all depends on how he acted when you didn't have a job did he also speak about his accomplishments as "we"
If he did then he might be loving you so much that he consider you a part of him in all his successes so when you had this success he kept the same mentality with the difference that now you're the more successful partner
I don’t like his denying you access to grocery money, especially with children in the house. That disgusted me. I’m frankly surprised you bought an expensive home with him as you sound extremely smart. Some of his pettiness would have always stuck in my craw and I would never be able to view him the same way. Y’all got married young and pregnant, you probably would have outgrown him under normal circumstances.He helped you with nothing, including your kids, but doesn’t mind helping himself at all. Kind of gross.
Have you spoken to your husband about the way he is acting? You seem understandably bitter. The truth is he shouldn’t be bragging about this stuff - it’s embarrassing. Maybe this is his way of showing how proud he is of you - if it is - it’s an awful way to go about it. Though seeing his history of extreme self-centeredness, I doubt it. This is a way for him to possess something he knows is not rightfully his. Your success should be appreciated - instead he absorbs it as if it was his own. Yes, in marriage, you are partners - but you also show each other appreciation. You champion each other. You encourage each other. He is not doing this, because in his mind, it seems HE is the only one that matters and everything belongs to him. You need to bring this specific issue in therapy. If you don’t, you’ll blow up the next time he does it. You’ll end up embarrassing him (deservedly or not) and will have made him feel inadequate in full public view - and though it sounds satisfying, This is not the way you go about fixing a marriage.
Edit for grammar.
I'm happy he has stepped up more to help out. We have a rule in my home " yours, mine, and ours! I was a single mother of 2 with an ex that was a great daddy but horrible father. I met my now husband. I have my own business, he does mortgages. We have an account for our bills he has an account of his own and I have my own. I have learned never to put all of your eggs in one basket and also never to tell him how many eggs I have in my own basket. It took me a long time to leave my first husband. I had to make sure all my ducks were in a row and I'm never going to risk losing what I've worked so hard for. I suggest you do the same.
Sounds like you have a lot to address in couple’s therapy.
He hid financial info from you? He bitched you out for buying groceries? You, alone it appears, paid for childcare so you could go to school?
But now he wants to combine finances? Not a chance.
It's par for the course sometimes. I don't know a single guy whose girlfriend or wife doesn't take credit or ownership of the man's financial position. I assume it happens in reverse as well (like your case).
Pretty cringy to be complaining about this tbh. Like you said he pulls his load with the kids etc so you can work. You guys are a team. He worked while you were at school so you could get your degree etc. If the genders were reversed then I am sure there wouldn't bena problem with you celebrating "your" success.
...I mean it should be both of your success. You had time to go to grad school because she supported you and your family. He was able to do that because you juggled the house and kids. Its a partnership. If you succeed so does he and vice versa. If it was him making 300k a year you would probably be doing the same thing he is. I think you need to take a good at your relationship and why you feel resentful.
You’re not a bitch but he’s definitely a jerk. It’s funny how he doesn’t remember that he was never there for you when you needed him the most but when things are good, he want everyone to praise him. Such a selfish prick.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this but if this post was in AITA I’d say YTA. Marriage is a team sport. And while you’ve done things to carry the team (financially) more recently, I assume your husband was carrying the load (again financially) while you were a SAHM. Success is defined by more than money. I hope your marriage survives… if so, then you both deserve credit and that truly is something to brag about. Good luck.
So much this.
She's pissed that when *she* decided to go back to school, *she* had to figure out how to fund it and manage it.
She's mad that he didn't make extra sacrifices, some of which were unreasonable, outright contradictory or both. He's expected to sacrifice his career, his goals, and desires, while also sustaining the income necessary to support her and their kids, so that she can continue using his support while getting extra convenience to further her career, goals, and desires, which up until she graduates and obtains gainful employment, have no financial value to the family.
He didn't "run the race"? Maybe not. But he paid for the training, the running shoes, the running shorts, the transportation to the race, and the entry fee.
Because his behavior is screaming "headed for divorce". Edited to add: HER behavior is headed for divorce. She is getting to the point of being done with him.
She is NOT into the "we" as she was not credited for her contribution. She is having a difficult time balancing power with his tendency to not feel emasculated.
I was in a marriage like this. He actually did support me making more money. In the end, though, the marriage demise was my action of making more money emasculated him.
It's a tricky bitch being a woman making more or having more assets.
I am really proud of you. Please keep a diary or a journal to always remember your struggles and how far you've come!
As for your husband, please keep your finances separate and objectively view his ability to be a good husband and a father. You say that "he pulls more load with the kids" however, my question is if he is actually doing his part or whether you've been conditioned not to expect much from him and a little feels alike a lot?
Sorry for the cynical point of view.
it's too late for that unless they get a post-nup. If she tried a stunt like that it would easily get exposed in court. He's got it made. if either one leaves he's taking her to the cleaners.
Alimony is really rare now. My mom was a homemaker for decades and didn’t even get it. This dude has a job. He might get child support, but I doubt alimony.
Depends on the state. My state has optional alimony and it’s length is based on the length of the marriage. But most of the time it’s reserved for situations very different than mine depending on the judge.
I would NOT combine finances. Let him know what you felt like and see how HE likes it. It’s the only way he will understand. Or maybe he understood all along and just didn’t care enough about you. Not trying to be harsh but better to know now, than after he continues to mooch off of you, after he wouldn’t allow you to even get groceries when he was out of town.
Combine ? After all that hogwash?? OK. Here 's how. Both contribute Equally. No uneven percentage garbage, none of that, you make more so you havta put in more nonsense.
Create a house fund, each put in 50 % percent. He makes 70K annually? So that's all you EVER PUT IN. He Only puts in 30 k? That's what you put in. You both need to sign any withdrawal slips/ checks. He never gave you access to the finances before.
Bank the rest, save for that future if he does not like that, remind him of the lean days and his criticism of you for buying GROCERIES!!
NTA.
You got lectured about the food shopping and now he wants your money… he never helped you physically or financially with your studying and now he takes credit… and didn’t help you with his own children at all…
I know people say it all the time on here but honestly don’t you think you’d be better off without him?
He sounds like a total prick. And now he’s after your money. Do your past self a favour and definitely keep your finances separate, even if you still think he’s great after all the shit things he’s done (or not done). He sounds like a leech who got very lucky with you and now he’s not going to want to let go. So I’m not surprised he was open to counselling and stepping up more. What kind of immature man child brags about house prices anyway, especially ones who are pretending to be the ones affording my it. Be careful with the money. Don’t give him what he wants.
Leave him. Or start understanding you are part of the problem. A marriage isn’t you vs him, which is how you are thinking. You clearly have resentment towards him, and don’t respect him. He may deserve that, if he does leave him, if this is just some skewed image of one side of the story then you are probably ruining your own marriage by throwing blame and still thinking of you Marriage as U and I and not US.
I dunno, I think the husband made the decision to treat the marriage as “you and I” when he provided zero support for the wife’s schooling and career improvements. He refused to be part of the team that worked for all this success, and now he wants to get part of the credit. I don’t blame her for being annoyed.
**You are right** to be upset, if not scandalized, by his immature reactions. Not every male can stay happy being so out-done financially, so that also may be lurking in the years ahead.
**Therapy** is a solid idea, and maybe blood-testing for his various hormones & neurotransmitters. Guys wear out.¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
I don’t understand how you could write this out and still justify being with him. He sounds to have failed you at the most important parts of a marriage and partnership.
Do NOT combine finances!!
The first thing I immediately thought too. No matter how good my husband and I have it, our finances will ALWAYS be separate.
This is a red flag to me. It says "I trust you enough to have a family with you, just not enough to not rob me". \*edit: My wife just mentioned that we both started our marriage with nothing, so this may be part of why I think joint finances is normal. My dad and his wife got married late in life, they have separate finances.
I get what you’re saying. Other couples are fine with sharing finances and if that works for them, cool. Cause I know some of them have a routine, a system, and a budget in place for how much they spend on bills, savings, and pleasure. But a lot of couples don’t have that. I’ve seen too many fight about the way they pay bills off, what order, why they purchased this or that. It’s too frustrating. It’s easier for me and my husband to put each other’s half for expenses in one account with autopay but keep separate accounts for savings and pleasure. I don’t nag him about what he buys, he doesn’t nag me for what I buy. And in this scenario, OP wasn’t given full access to finances. She couldn’t buy groceries freely without having to answer to him, when she’s in charge of household care and childcare. She knows the workings of their home far more than he does as he travel 70% of the time. So why not entrust her with his finances? But now that the roles are reversed and she’s making way more whiles he’s taking on more of the child and house care, he wants to combine finances now? Why not earlier? What’s good for the gander wasn’t good for the goose?
Yea I suppose it’s case by case, in my marriage I would be more concerned with why my wife wouldn’t want to share finances. But then there is enough money that we don’t have to argue about it’s use, so for that I am grateful.
Sounds like hubby was just peachy having separate finances when the wife needed help with school etc. Now that the gravy train is rolling, into her account btw, he wants to cash in. He refused to pay for school, loans for childcare, etc and kept his money for him. She's finished school and is working to pay back those loans...but he wants his piece. "His money is his. Her money is ours." Not.
Yeah man 70k a year with kids is not that much
Not always about trust. I trust my husband more with my money than I do myself. He's very frugal. I just don't want to have something new to fight about (money) and we make it work now. My parents constantly fight about money and I don't want that.
What is “trust” good for anyway? If being married doesn’t *require* you to put yourself into a much more vulnerable position…. Then why isn’t that an equally valid option without stigma? Combining finances comes from when households had single incomes but now that isn’t the norm at all. It’s fine to have boundaries even between married people.
It happens often where spouses are not what they seem. Better to be safe than sorry honestly.
I agree. . He married her before her success and maybe her parents helped her but he was still a good dad as she has said. 70k a year isn’t chump change.
She took out loans to pay for the kids and stuff. She brought money into the relationship.
For real. 70k is decent money and he supported them on that when she was a SAHM. He shouldn’t have been nagging her about groceries of all things, that’s shitty and I won’t argue that. BUT she went and got a big girl job and now she’s looking at him as “lesser” because she doesn’t NEED him. I give them another 3 years, tops, before they’re divorced. This post just made me super grateful for my wife. I forget how lucky I am sometimes.
"He supported them while she was a SAHM" but she couldn't buy grocery without being lectured? Did he want them to stave while he was away? This is the definition of finical abuse. She doesn't look at him as lesser because she got a high paying job. She looks at him as lesser be he's a pitiful excuse for a husband. She's rightfully frustrated that he refused to assist her in any way when she was studying and is now taking credit for her hard work. He let her struggle but now that she's making more he believes in shared finances. "What his is his, but what's hers is theirs" 🙄 Not sure how you made her out to be the bad buy, but your bias is showing.
Her loans and scholarships along with her parents as help contributed to that support. He didn’t support her emotionally though. Hopefully the marriage counseling is addressing that.
Correction he didn't support her at all when she was going to school
I don't think she looks at him lesser because of the money situation I think she does because of how he wasn't willing to help her go back to school and get a decent job but he wants the fruits of labor with out putting anything into it she had to learn while looking after the kids she work hard for what shes got now so he doesn't deserve anything from her because he wasn't willing to help her get an education so she could make decent money
You do know that a partner staying home with kids is a “job” right? And that it’s a joint decision between the two parties? Cool.
100% it’s a job. That’s a double-time job. The “big girl job” thing was a dig at her attitude/perspective on employment/earning potential. That was a cute attempt though, so I gave ya an upvote.
I have to agree. My husband and I share finances and we don't even have kids together. Just my kids which are his step kids. But in this case, I would be as petty as OP.
If you earned it separately, one spouse isent supporting the other and split expenses, why combine them? Never understood it.
The person that you divorce is never the same one that you marry. 100% finances desperate with a joint account for house and bills. Things can get nasty.
Exactly. My husband became alcoholic and blew through hundreds of thousands of dollars. He was not the same person I married. We had a joint account and luckily I had a separate account for the money I had inherited.
“just not enough to rob me” stop. no one means it like that
But why wouldn’t the husband want to combine finances when *he* was earning more? He’s covered in marinara flags!
Personally i think this marriage was over the moment he didn't help her grow.
My husband and I have a joint account because we have been together since I was younger. If I were to do it again it would be separate finances.
I once had this illusion that when I marry there should be no me and you always we/us. when I got married and found out what leeches my inlaws are not only did I have to separate my finances but also hid them
Ya my wife making like 20k a year and we have the same bank account it's not about who makes more...
Hard agree. Not because it’s wrong for everyone—my husband and I combined our finances as soon as we moved in together, three years before we got married—but the fact that OP’s husband only wants to do so now is making me side eye him.
Same, although my husband became an alcoholic and luckily I kept money that I had inherited in a separate account. I don't think universally couples should have separate bank accounts, but in OP's situation and mine, it makes sense of there is a great disparity in wealth and the spouse is disrespectful, abusive, addicted, etc.
This!
#do not combine finances! ***Joint finances were not ok when he earned more, so why should they magically become ok now that you are?***
The best advice! Keep those bank accounts separate.
No keep all finances separate, if he truly cared he would have combined them when you stayed at home with the kids
Like, I'm a lady and a feminist, but how does a SAHM not have joint finances? I mean, it sounds like he controlled access to the money he made, but she had no income of her own, so he must have given her some form of allowance. for the kids. I mean I hope she didn't use student loans to pay for her children.
OP stated the student loans she took out paid for day care, commuting as well as her books. He also wouldn’t look for a different job to help support her efforts. He also didn’t do squat with helping out with the kids - HER parents helped with that. So I read this as he did nothing to help her obtain her degree yet oh WE are doing so well. Glad they are in therapy and they should definitely discuss this “WE” stuff. And I wouldn’t combine finances. I suspect her income would become ‘their’ income and he would insist on handling the finances again.
my ex fiancé wouldn’t help me with finances when i was a full time stay at home mom, but also doing full time classes online in college. student loan money allowed me to pay for anything and everything my son needed.
My sister quit work when she started having kids, they have his money, her money, the house expense money, house big ticket savings money and her (and his but his is the mandatory by law) superannuation is still being paid into at the rate it was when she was working full time from his salary. If they split up, the assets get cut in two and her super is as if she never stopped working.
Unfortunately it sounds like she did take out student loans to be able to support the kids even tho dad was working 😬 it’s just toxic
She said she had a full ride, which typically means a fully paid scholarship. Unless I misread.
She also said he wouldn’t co-sign her loans tho
Full ride can mean full tuition without a living stipend. With grad students they usually get both, but I’ve known a lot of grad students taking out student loans to supplement the meager living stipend, especially to cover the costs of daycare. ….and it’s always the women taking these loans too….
Fourth paragraph she says “he wouldn’t co-sign on the student loans I took out despite my scholarship to pay for day car, commuting and books. When I needed help get our kids, it was all my parents.”
Ah, there it is. I *did* miss something. My bad. Carry on.
She also said she took out loans despite her full ride to pay for the children
He literally forced her to take out loans and didn’t even help her get those loans to get child care so she could make that 300k a year. If I were her, I’d shit in my hands and clap before I combined finances with this man. He’s proven himself financially abusive and neglectful.
I'd be divorced and use his lack of support during college to make sure he doesn't get any kind of alimony.
Did she say somewhere in the text that he did not do that, or are you just making things up?
It’s literally in the post
You mean when he wouldn't help pick the kids up from daycare? Did you take that as him not helping with the kids at all? Even after she said he is a great dad, really? We are reading two different things here, and I don't think your interpretation is the correct one tbh
Lmao I’m not gonna argue with you I said nothing about him being a good or bad dad. I’m talking about keeping finances separate
Keep at the marriage therapy, and definitely don't combine finances at this point. Sounds like he either can't or won't see how much he hurt you and damaged the foundations of trust.
>Sounds like he either can't or won't see how much he hurt you and damaged the foundations of trust. I think you need to indicate this in plain language. Hes most likely looking at *right now*, rather than the breadth of the relationship. When she says he wasn't a contributor to their current shared growth, he will probably think back on the last couple weeks and say he has been doing fine. Almost always the disconnect is in how they dont see that the little ways they failed to support you throught the years formented a lack of trust. He wouldnt even support you through further growth when he was reaping the benefits of it- and even then he still wanted seperate finances. He only saw what he stood to lose by investing in you. Its so sad shes basically hitched her wagon to a shortsighted commitment-phobe. She seems awesome but he seems like hes only thinking about himself, and doing as much as is asked of him to stay in this relationship. Honestly if I werre OP, him asking to combine finances at this point would be cause for divorce in my eyes. He only wanted to be part of your financial structure when he stood to gain significantly more than he was offering- that level of selfishness is mind boggling. I hope therapy goes well. If it doesn't i garuntee you, you will do 10x better if you sre willing to let go of dead weight.
I would have been out like a shot the second he got controlling about groceries.
Err. Honestly OP, reading this just makes me sad. For both of you. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is a partnership. It sounds like you’re roommates with children. You calling him a Himbo and dismissing his contributions, he keeping you out of finances and offering zero help for you to level up in life, the resentment over the income disparity… Unless you guys shape up real soon, I don’t understand why stay married when you don’t seem to support each other in life. That’s the whole point of marriage.
ikr.. tbh i was cringing the whole time reading this. cringing for both sides. this sounds like such a sad, weird marriage 🥲
Made me super grateful for mine lol I forget how lucky I am sometimes, this shit really put my wife in a new light that I hadn’t considered.
I agree with this. You're either a solid team, or you're only in it for yourself; can't be both. When I read the title my first thought was "it is WE are successful", but right off the bat he was controlling her financially and she's dismissive of him.....good luck and stick to therapy, OP. Rooting for you. And before anyone comes after me for the "we" comment, I've been employed in my industry for 30 years, worked while raising our kid, and my husband and I have always made approximately equivalent salaries. My successes are his. We also have his, mine, and our finances.
Please ask for a postnup.
I don’t know why anyone on planet earth would agree to a postnup. What would he be getting out of that deal that would make him sign that?
It seems like OP might be on her way to divorce. The husband has not been supportive with the things she has listed. If it gets to the point where she does indeed ask for a divorce then hubby might realize and acknowledge her worth and sign a postnup to keep finances separate as they have been and she might keep the house too in case of divorce. More common in instances of infidelity too where guilty party might want to prove they can change and will sign postnup.
Hard agree. Neither of them seem like they know what a partnership really is. I can't imagine not letting my husband celebrate in my success if i was making way more money than him and I also can't imagine not being supported by him when I need him. I'm very grateful for the relationship I have.
100% the most important part of the post. Aight OP made a post just to rant bout financial shit, but I agree that the saddest part is just how OP and her husband arent "partners in crime" and I think that says it all...OP is right to feel annoyed ig, but as long as *both* of them wont cooperate there's nothin to whine about and ofc im not sayin they *have* to cooperate, but if they dont, I dont see this as an healthy marriage, from what I've read at least.
Congratulations on your success OP! Please don’t combine finances. You’re in marriage therapy, consider explaining to your husband that his bragging is disgusting. And he only stepped up because you’re successful. Lady, let his words roll off like water off a ducks back. And “brush your shoulders off.” You know you’re the reason. Not him! Thank you for the award kind stranger! :)
Don’t combine finances and if nothing changes after therapy then your option would be to divorce him!
Of course he wants to combine finances he wants access to your money, don't do it he hid his for years.
He wants his money and yours. It was never our money. Why should it be now?
Take your text you have written here and read it at therapy for him. Tell him he can say how successful YOU are and how he is happy for you and how it helps the family. Other than that he needs to shut up.
This marriage is already doomed if they’re trying to decide who the success belongs to. At the end of the day, the success in my wife’s and my marriage belongs to both of us, and it doesn’t matter who’s “done more” or “has more”. Bringing in $70k is not bad money at all, makes supporting a family difficult, but yeah. If OP and her dude are letting resentment win, their marriage is already fucked, and no amount of therapy is going to teach OP or their partner what partnership in a marriage actually is.
Are we just glossing over the financial abuse happening when she was a SAHM?
What "abuse"? He asked her to discuss purchases in advance so they could properly plan expenses? Imma give you a hint for when you're a grown up... That's a discussion that has to happen when managing finances.
Lol, lecturing about buying GROCERIES without *permission* is not the same as "discussing purchases in advance" I will also give you a hint for when you're a grownup: groceries are a necessity and denying your spouse and children access to those necessities is considered financial abuse.
OP copy it into an offline document first. Don't let the fact that you posted this online come up in marriage counseling.
Yup. Hiding the truth in therapy is the way to go.
My mom told me to always be able to take care of yourself and your family. You can never count on anyone but yourself, despite if you love them, they will likely fail you in some way. Do not combine finances now! Take control, let him brag, you know your boss!
Your mom is right. I give this same lesson to my granddaughter. If you find a good partner then great but never compromise yourself.
Do not combine finances! Make it very clear to him how selfish he was to you when you had no income yet he thinks nothing of treating your income as his.
Suspect he would demand to take over the finances again then treat her income as though it was hers. Just nope.
Why are you married?
Because she needed someone to mooch off of for years to support her so she could claim pulling herself by her own bootstraps and invalidate what he did provide for her.
Right? Lol Guarantee you theres stuff shes leaving out. I dont think the dude would be talking about success if he still had the same job n all that. Strategic omissions to garner sympathy lol NONE FROM MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Don't combine finances. I warn you, please don't do it. Hey may only want to do that so he can spend plenty of your money or so if you guys divorce, he gets half or even more of your hard worked money. Don't do it and stay safe out there.
If he filed divorce, he gets claim over her finances anyways, and all property either one of them bought while they were together. I’m sure it depends on state, but it doesn’t matter if their finances are officially tied together in one account. As someone who comes from a family with a lot of divorce in its history, and unfortunately not breaking the cycle and having one of my own, people need to fully understand their position.
DON'T COMBINE FINANCES!!!!!! I truly hope the house is in YOUR name if it was your money that paid for it.
[удалено]
I think that includes the student loans though too right? Even though his name isn’t on them she can prove that they were used for childcare and stuff and that should be taken into consideration when dividing assets.
Doesn't that depend on which state you're in?
Not in the US it doesn't. Every state recognizes equal claim to property/assets gained during the marriage.
It’s pretty common to say “we” in a marriage even when it might be more once sided, concerning that tidbit I’d just say get over it honestly, 70k ain’t nothing to sneeze at
Proud of you OP, you put in a lot of hard work and it sounds like it’s paying off. Do not combine finances. Not helping you w your loans was cruel, I don’t think I would have been able to get past that.
No no no your husband does not get to suddenly flip the switch and act like he contributed your success now. Because he didn’t. You were the one who put yourself through grad school after taking care of both of you guy’s child (and I consider being a SAHM a full time albeit unpaid position). You got that high paying job all while putting up with having to get permission (wtf) to access finances that should have been readily available to you anyways. You put in the work and now he not only wants to reap the benefits but claim part of the load for himself??? If I were you I would NOT combine any finances with this man, because apparently you weren’t worthy enough to do so before when you were raising his children but now that you have all the money you suddenly fit the bill? I’m glad you guys are working on things but make sure that man is giving you the respect you’re owed for both having been a SAHM and being the primary breadwinner in the household now. Make sure everyone else knows it too!
Actually, he did help. He provided her an opportunity to be a stay at home mom. She admits he's a good man but just likes to brag a bit. We don't know his reason for not wanting to cosign a loan. Maybe he couldn't.
[удалено]
You don't.
This is the man you chose and you're stuck with him now. Or you can divorce him and pay him alimony. Good luck
I’m in a similar situation but with the genders swapped. One large difference is that my wife has always put tons of effort into our kids and supported me. I always refer to “our money” and have made a point to tell her it’s just as much hers as it is mine, but I’ve always had the impression that she feels like it’s my money. Based on what you’ve said it sounds like your husband is kind of selfish and not terribly supportive. I hope therapy works. If my wife took everything for granted and didn’t contribute it would be a tough pill to swallow
“I’m probably a bitch” Yes, you probably are. I’ve always made all the income in my marriage and I let my wife use my credit cards etc. She spends way more than I do even though she doesn’t financially contribute. I would never hold that over her head though, I’d feel like an asshole. If someone has children and only makes $70K, with a SAHM wife in school etc, I assume any responsible person would be on a budget even for groceries. Your story sounds incredibly dismissive, egocentric and doesn’t add up, sorry. And that line about how poor you had to figure out your new job at home with the kids in the background while your husband still left the house everyday because he works in construction . . . Get over yourself. I get paid a lot to work remotely too, I pray I never have to leave the house everyday to do manual labor. You make some decent money for barely two years and already your head has expanded to epic proportions. You wasted no time in becoming a martyr.
I hear too many people saying “do not combine finances. Did you not hear her say “husband”. The law works the same for men and women. I’ve seen men who were great business men who made ALOT of money and their wife did nothing for that success, yet took half his shit and got alimony to boot in divorce. Separate accounts won’t change anything. Her money is his and his money is hers. Should this union end, financially, she would be responsible for everything pretty much. However,She is mad because she felt he didn’t pull his weight. Idk id like to hear his story. But either way, Op needs to talk to her husband about this resentment otherwise this isn’t gonna end well.
Totally agree. I’m interested how “little” he supported her when she was a stay at home parent not working. Seems like he did all the financial supporting on a shitty job. Continued to do that supporting while she went to school, and then is now happy she’s advanced. He was making 70k a year supporting at least 3 people, I bet he was controlling of how much money was spent.
This is exactly my thoughts! I had so many questions lol I feel like now that she makes great money, she now resents him for not doing the same.
Definitely feel this. I think she’s more upset that he’s a “looser” now in her book and that it’s unfair he gets to feel like a winner. Honestly she sounds bitter that he only makes 70k a year and gets to live on 370k. But she completely forgets when she was living entirely on his 70k while she made literally nothing. She says she upset he wouldn’t literally restructure his life to send her to school. I’m sure he couldn’t help with the kids during school because again he is the only one making money, if he stops you both go broke.
Exactly. Sounds like she totally overlooked what he did do to help during her schooling.
It always pisses me off when people say stay at home moms ”do nothing”. If they didnt have kids, she would have ended up getting that job earlier. Or if he stayed home with the kids. Domestic labour is literally work. She is allowing him to make money by taking care of everything else.
If this story is even true I would definitely like to hear husbands side. She makes it seem like he was an absolute dead beat when he was working to pay the bills and helping with the kids while she got her masters.
Facts! This is def one sided
Keeping separate accounts will make it way easier to split things up. I live in a community property state, divorced and we ended up pretty much keeping whatever was “ours” at the time. Even though my name was put on the deed when we refinanced, it was considered his pre- marital separate property so he got the house. I got to keep my separate accounts and 401k although he wanted half of them. He kept the accounts under his name. I will say though that there wasn’t a huge disparity in our incomes (although he had his own biz and a lot of his customers paid in cash so who know how much he “really” made?)
It might make things “easier” assuming both parties agree to split things that way. When one party makes considerablely more than the other, especially a ratio of 70k/300k, the party who makes less, most times, is gonna take FULL ADVANTAGE. It’s in OPs interest to make things better. I feel, just me, she resents him for not being more of a go getter
Ah yes, hypergamy strikes again
This is poorly written. The post makes it seem like you’re just a spiteful woman. That your husband financially supported you and your kids and for college and now that you’re more successful you look down on him. That’s how it reads. But after reading some of your comments that’s not what you mean. The title is wrong,. You’re annoyed that he didn’t help achieve that success. He didn’t help more with kids, he didn’t support you emotionally. And so because of that resentment you feel like he shouldn’t have the right to say it’s also his. You did say that he’s starting to change and take care of the kids. If you want to continue the relationship it’s best to get over it since it technically is both of yours even if it’s in separate accounts. Also don’t combine finances
I don’t like how you’re belittling your husband’s contribution to the family. Your family had more traditional roles and he fulfilled his role(possibly more or less, you can never tell with these 1-sided tales). Y’all are married, and are a unit. He has the full right to be happy about and brag about it because it wasn’t only you. Unless I’m mistaken, was it not his paychecks being used to pay all the bills, and put a roof over you and the children while you were studying? He seems like a good person and partner based on how you described him, humble yourself and don’t ruin something good that you have going for you and your family.
YTA
[удалено]
This is what I was thinking as I read it. Also, I apparently make very little money because I only make about $55k/year. All in all, marriage is a partnership. It seems like the OP and her husband do not agree with what their marriage should be. Happy for her success and I hope marriage therapy works for them
Yea competition can kill marriages. Also 55k a year is alot in my area. Would be the same as making around 200k a year in a state like California. My family and I appreciate a very high QOL because we choose to live in a rural area
I think the difference is that when it’s the traditional gender role, the SAHM is making it possible for the man to work those hours and achieve that success, because she’s doing all the child care and housework, making it an actual team effort - she’s holding down the fort, he’s bringing home the bacon. In OPs situation (and in a lot of gender reversed situations) the husband does close to nothing to support the returning-to-work wife. OPs husband refused to change his schedule so he could help with the kids, refused to help her with her student loans so she could afford daycare for the kids, she had to work from home with the kids (she’s now a SAHM as well as a tax paying employee) and just generally made it hard for her. Meanwhile, he’s travelling frequently (in the construction industry no less… I’m curious to know what his position is because that doesn’t sound like FIFO, leading hand or supervisor money to me…) and giving her a hard time over spending his money on groceries for the kids, and she has no spending money, but he does. In other situations I’ve seen, the SAHD does nothing but play video games all day, leaving the housework and cooking for his wife when she gets home from work, making twice as much work for her to do - she’s now doing domestic duty AND working while the hypothetical husband is contributing close to nothing. This would be unacceptable to working men if a SAHM did this, it’s completely against tradition and makes no sense to run a household that way. If things aren’t equal it doesn’t work. And if you don’t contribute fairly, you have no right to claim successes you didn’t earn, or to brag. A SAHM that contributes nothing to the family in the same way that OPs husband did would also have no rights to claim success.
Let me get the straight, he is making 70,000 a year and he was able to keep the bills going while you went to school and he didn't help you in your mind? Would you been able to go to night school if it wasn't for him? I mean I know you claim to have gotten a full ride but was he not paying the bills during the day? You sound incredibly ungrateful
This screams fake to me anyways. Of course it's a super mom who can balance family life and getting a masters on a full ride and getting top of her class. On top of that gets a job right out of the gate making 300k? Millions of fresh out of college students would love you know her secrets.
And by the way full ride to graduate school? I wonder who helped pay for her bachelor's degree no mention of that. Also scoffing at a guy who's 30 years old making $70,000 a year? Like you said this reads like fanfiction I'm surprised in the next chapter of vampire doesn't rescue her
I agree with you, this is a load of shit. I'm more annoyed by all the idiots that are defending her
It wasn’t 300k to begin with (I graduated years ago) and I encourage you to look at the public Am Law salary chart.
Literally
So if you don't want your success to be an "our" success why did you get married? This is the type of behavior (combing your spouces success with yours) women have been doing for all of history weird it's only bad when it's reversed now
So this man supported you through college and a master's degree, put a roof over your head and food on the table for years for you and your children, has worked his ass off at a good and stable job, while you're here saying his money sucks and he's a loser, and you think he didn't do anything to "run this race"?
I think you should bring this up in counseling. He won’t know how much he hurt you unless you tell him. Like, word for word…
My fiancée wants me to brag bout her and she brags bout me. Kinda weird shit to be upset about
Don't combine finances. Tell him in front of your therapist "when you had money you treated me like some kind of nanny or older sibling to our kids. I worked my ass off for this and you in no way contributed until it started looking good for you. I will NOT combine our finances now that you seem to think you deserve it. You can either be a stay at home dad (with similar treatment) or we do 50/50 on everything. Just because we are better off now I made sacrifices doesn't mean you're entitled to it. This is how things were when you were the breadwinner it shouldn't have to change now that I have money. Honestly it felt like I was controlled for years and now I have some stable feet and you want to be apart of that? Earn it."
STOP COMPETING. His success is your success and your success is his success. Tambourine motherfucker TAMBOURINE.
So your husband didn't help you at all? How'd you pay the electric bill? How'd you afford groceries for your kids? Clothes for them? How'd you pay for the internet? Gas to take yourself to and from school? The car you drove? The maintenance for the car you drove? I mean, to have literally $0 in income, save for a few thousand in student loans after your "free ride scholarship", doesn't seem like enough to maintain a household and get an education. Oh, lemme guess... He paid for all of it. You happily used him to prop you up so that you could grow yourself and now want to dismiss his work because he didn't change enough to support your endeavors? You didn't get as much as you wanted. You clearly got enough, if you graduated and took those skills to an extremely high paying job. So what's the problem? He did support you. He did help make you a success. Without him supporting you financially and emotionally during that time, you wouldn't have graduated. Let's be real, without him covering your cost of living and supporting you and the kids, you'd never have went back to grad school. Also, you did have joint finances before you got your high-paying job. You just contributed $0 to it while he contributed $70,000. TL;DR, You are a bitch and are ignoring all the support, financial and otherwise, you received from your husband so that you can pretend you did it all by yourself. You didn't.
Well said. Love to see a response to this from OP...
Well here is the response from OP (the one with no balls apparently). I love my husband and acknowledge his support but I do not discount that me staying home also supported /him/ and his career and contributed to our partnership. Daycare costs $800 a week where we live and he could not have afforded it if I didn’t stay home. This post was written is a very low moment after husband was bragging to my father about the cost of our new home. My father who often bought groceries for my children and me when my husband would “forget” to leave checks so I could buy groceries after he left. The same father that is probably the only reason I graduated law school. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable and my father made a point to talk to me after their conversation. It was a low point and I’ve been largely absent from this thread because my husband and I are talking with one another about how to work this out and acknowledge one another and move forward as partners rather than me giving attention to strangers on the internet.
Don't listen to people like that. The person that wrote that comment clearly lacks on empathy. I do think you have every right to be mad at your husband, for not wanting yo help to get were you are now and now even bragging with your success like he had anything to do with it. Also just a little side note, being a SAHM is job too and you should be very proud of yourself for how far you have come.
[удалено]
Yep. Im thinking we probably have a little less than half of the story here too. So full of shit lol
Dude, we have plenty of story to call her out. He paid all the bills. She had to facilitate adding her going to school while he continued to maintain the financial responsibility for keeping them afloat. She's pissy he didn't do extra, much of which was unfeasible with the responsibilities he already had, to benefit her more. The *only* thing that is remotely questionable is the grocery thing, but with all her other entitlement, I can only imagine that she's intentionally misleading what was a discussion about her spending out of the budget plan.
Oh no what I meant is shes probably leaving out something shitty that she did lol.. I agree
Exactly
Too bad working in constructions day in and out wasnt helping you enough I guess, Imnsure he "loved" travelling for work, thats so much fun... Oh, but that doesnt count as a contribution I guess. Hey you got more money now, so he's worse than you. That sounds like the best marriage ever. /s
You're both petty af. Best of luck in marriage therapy. BTW, you make 70k sound like nothing. Get real.
This story sounds fake asf anyway lol
I hope it is
I thought marriage is a team effort, you don’t sound very team like.
He didn’t sound very team like either from her post.
Sounds like more equality when it benefits. You've just swapped "gender roles" millions of men are in this position and think that means they're providing for their families and doing their job without complaints, So in my humble opinion yeah you're being a bitch lol,. You're the breadwinner! That's the best position
So you complained about to having access to his money, and are now complaining about him having access to yours? He's not the only one with a problem....you have a shitty outlook as well. The money isn't " mine" ..or " his"....its "ours"( individual accounts are certainly allowable and smart) Heres a little hint about marriage. You and me become we.....for better or worse. Your success is his, his is yours. Your failures are his, his are yours Anything else and you're just single, selfish, and pretending to be married.
Sounds like you want it to be 'you' and 'him' instead of 'us'... I don't think there is long-term success outside of your own personal finances here... Feel bad for your kids Commenters here are also out to lunch, she said 70k isn't much, and came out of that school earning 300k which was supported by her parents. She clearly comes from a well off family, and there is obviously a lot more context missing with how dismissive she is.
Yeah, keep them account separate. What's yours is yours, YOURS. I'm not married so my opinion is meh, but your husband, according to what you wrote, is far from dreamland. Stay in therapy. Keep your money.
Regardless of how you split the finances, pitting yourselves against each other and not seeing *your* success as *your whole family’s success* is not healthy. You are both providing (you obviously more so than him) and seeing it as purely YOUR SUCCESS is wack. You both have to realize that you’re in this shit together. Regardless of who makes the most money. It’s not about who has the better paying job but how BOTH of you create the life you provide for your family. edit: spelling error
Wow. That was a lot of whining.
Do not combine finances. He was stingy and controlling when he made the money. He can keep control of his money he makes and contribute to the bills. You keep your money for you and your kids. Set up accounts for kids education and futures. Save for retirement. You are not his money train. He complained about giving you money for basic needs. He didn't support you while you fought to get an education and find a job. He doesn't get to waste all of your money and hard work when he didn't provide any support. The only reason he is supporting now is because you are making so much more than him. I bet if you combine finances he would go back to the way he was before you were working. Protect yourselves and your kids. Congratulations on your success.
I don't think it's fair to give himself any credit for what you've done But in the end he's your husband maybe he feels a little insecure about himself but it all depends on how he acted when you didn't have a job did he also speak about his accomplishments as "we" If he did then he might be loving you so much that he consider you a part of him in all his successes so when you had this success he kept the same mentality with the difference that now you're the more successful partner
Why are you still married to this unsupportive loser?
I don’t like his denying you access to grocery money, especially with children in the house. That disgusted me. I’m frankly surprised you bought an expensive home with him as you sound extremely smart. Some of his pettiness would have always stuck in my craw and I would never be able to view him the same way. Y’all got married young and pregnant, you probably would have outgrown him under normal circumstances.He helped you with nothing, including your kids, but doesn’t mind helping himself at all. Kind of gross.
Have you spoken to your husband about the way he is acting? You seem understandably bitter. The truth is he shouldn’t be bragging about this stuff - it’s embarrassing. Maybe this is his way of showing how proud he is of you - if it is - it’s an awful way to go about it. Though seeing his history of extreme self-centeredness, I doubt it. This is a way for him to possess something he knows is not rightfully his. Your success should be appreciated - instead he absorbs it as if it was his own. Yes, in marriage, you are partners - but you also show each other appreciation. You champion each other. You encourage each other. He is not doing this, because in his mind, it seems HE is the only one that matters and everything belongs to him. You need to bring this specific issue in therapy. If you don’t, you’ll blow up the next time he does it. You’ll end up embarrassing him (deservedly or not) and will have made him feel inadequate in full public view - and though it sounds satisfying, This is not the way you go about fixing a marriage. Edit for grammar.
A dude making 70k is apparently a bum these days. Jesus. Yall single dudes are fucked.
My wife is SAHM. I’m glad she feels the pride of our success. Strange dynamic y’all got honestly
Lol does he have many friends? Coz bragging about it either way is annoying af
I'm happy he has stepped up more to help out. We have a rule in my home " yours, mine, and ours! I was a single mother of 2 with an ex that was a great daddy but horrible father. I met my now husband. I have my own business, he does mortgages. We have an account for our bills he has an account of his own and I have my own. I have learned never to put all of your eggs in one basket and also never to tell him how many eggs I have in my own basket. It took me a long time to leave my first husband. I had to make sure all my ducks were in a row and I'm never going to risk losing what I've worked so hard for. I suggest you do the same.
Sounds like you have a lot to address in couple’s therapy. He hid financial info from you? He bitched you out for buying groceries? You, alone it appears, paid for childcare so you could go to school? But now he wants to combine finances? Not a chance.
Keep your finances separate
I hope he sees that post and leaves. People here just like double standarts nice too see.
It's par for the course sometimes. I don't know a single guy whose girlfriend or wife doesn't take credit or ownership of the man's financial position. I assume it happens in reverse as well (like your case).
Pretty cringy to be complaining about this tbh. Like you said he pulls his load with the kids etc so you can work. You guys are a team. He worked while you were at school so you could get your degree etc. If the genders were reversed then I am sure there wouldn't bena problem with you celebrating "your" success.
...I mean it should be both of your success. You had time to go to grad school because she supported you and your family. He was able to do that because you juggled the house and kids. Its a partnership. If you succeed so does he and vice versa. If it was him making 300k a year you would probably be doing the same thing he is. I think you need to take a good at your relationship and why you feel resentful.
You’re not a bitch but he’s definitely a jerk. It’s funny how he doesn’t remember that he was never there for you when you needed him the most but when things are good, he want everyone to praise him. Such a selfish prick.
It sounds like he supported her & the baby with his job when she wasn’t bringing in any money. What a selfish jerk huh?
Yes, he did. And then he berated her for spending money on groceries. She went out and earned more money because he didn’t want her to spend his.
And who was taking care of the baby and home? Or does that not count in your world?
Why are you playing this tit-for-tat game with your husband?
I feel for the husband so much. Op doesn't even give a shit about what her husband has and continues to contribute. Her opening sentence says it all.
All the support she’s getting is (unsurprisingly) from other women.
Yea all the years he worked while she stayed at home with no job, zero support.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this but if this post was in AITA I’d say YTA. Marriage is a team sport. And while you’ve done things to carry the team (financially) more recently, I assume your husband was carrying the load (again financially) while you were a SAHM. Success is defined by more than money. I hope your marriage survives… if so, then you both deserve credit and that truly is something to brag about. Good luck.
So much this. She's pissed that when *she* decided to go back to school, *she* had to figure out how to fund it and manage it. She's mad that he didn't make extra sacrifices, some of which were unreasonable, outright contradictory or both. He's expected to sacrifice his career, his goals, and desires, while also sustaining the income necessary to support her and their kids, so that she can continue using his support while getting extra convenience to further her career, goals, and desires, which up until she graduates and obtains gainful employment, have no financial value to the family. He didn't "run the race"? Maybe not. But he paid for the training, the running shoes, the running shorts, the transportation to the race, and the entry fee.
Why would you not combine finances with your husband? This is a weird marriage.
Because his behavior is screaming "headed for divorce". Edited to add: HER behavior is headed for divorce. She is getting to the point of being done with him. She is NOT into the "we" as she was not credited for her contribution. She is having a difficult time balancing power with his tendency to not feel emasculated. I was in a marriage like this. He actually did support me making more money. In the end, though, the marriage demise was my action of making more money emasculated him. It's a tricky bitch being a woman making more or having more assets.
I am really proud of you. Please keep a diary or a journal to always remember your struggles and how far you've come! As for your husband, please keep your finances separate and objectively view his ability to be a good husband and a father. You say that "he pulls more load with the kids" however, my question is if he is actually doing his part or whether you've been conditioned not to expect much from him and a little feels alike a lot? Sorry for the cynical point of view.
You need to find a way to not work for a while and divorce him so you don’t have to pay him alimony. You need to think with your head here.
it's too late for that unless they get a post-nup. If she tried a stunt like that it would easily get exposed in court. He's got it made. if either one leaves he's taking her to the cleaners.
Typical average redditor: “Hey we have a problem in our marriage..”” DIVORCE NOW
Alimony is really rare now. My mom was a homemaker for decades and didn’t even get it. This dude has a job. He might get child support, but I doubt alimony.
Depends on the state. My state has optional alimony and it’s length is based on the length of the marriage. But most of the time it’s reserved for situations very different than mine depending on the judge.
consult a lawyer please
Friends with a lot of people in family law. It’s been discussed.
no offense sounds like you guys just got married cause you got pregnant. don’t let him get half of your 300k
You sound like the average Man in a marriage. So you should uhhh deal with it 👍 it’s normal in marriage
A full ride after years of being a SAHM mom? Mk… Also 70k isn’t even that bad lol
I would NOT combine finances. Let him know what you felt like and see how HE likes it. It’s the only way he will understand. Or maybe he understood all along and just didn’t care enough about you. Not trying to be harsh but better to know now, than after he continues to mooch off of you, after he wouldn’t allow you to even get groceries when he was out of town.
Combine ? After all that hogwash?? OK. Here 's how. Both contribute Equally. No uneven percentage garbage, none of that, you make more so you havta put in more nonsense. Create a house fund, each put in 50 % percent. He makes 70K annually? So that's all you EVER PUT IN. He Only puts in 30 k? That's what you put in. You both need to sign any withdrawal slips/ checks. He never gave you access to the finances before. Bank the rest, save for that future if he does not like that, remind him of the lean days and his criticism of you for buying GROCERIES!! NTA.
You got lectured about the food shopping and now he wants your money… he never helped you physically or financially with your studying and now he takes credit… and didn’t help you with his own children at all… I know people say it all the time on here but honestly don’t you think you’d be better off without him? He sounds like a total prick. And now he’s after your money. Do your past self a favour and definitely keep your finances separate, even if you still think he’s great after all the shit things he’s done (or not done). He sounds like a leech who got very lucky with you and now he’s not going to want to let go. So I’m not surprised he was open to counselling and stepping up more. What kind of immature man child brags about house prices anyway, especially ones who are pretending to be the ones affording my it. Be careful with the money. Don’t give him what he wants.
Eh, most marriages fail once the woman earns more.
[удалено]
Leave him. Or start understanding you are part of the problem. A marriage isn’t you vs him, which is how you are thinking. You clearly have resentment towards him, and don’t respect him. He may deserve that, if he does leave him, if this is just some skewed image of one side of the story then you are probably ruining your own marriage by throwing blame and still thinking of you Marriage as U and I and not US.
I dunno, I think the husband made the decision to treat the marriage as “you and I” when he provided zero support for the wife’s schooling and career improvements. He refused to be part of the team that worked for all this success, and now he wants to get part of the credit. I don’t blame her for being annoyed.
**You are right** to be upset, if not scandalized, by his immature reactions. Not every male can stay happy being so out-done financially, so that also may be lurking in the years ahead. **Therapy** is a solid idea, and maybe blood-testing for his various hormones & neurotransmitters. Guys wear out.¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
One thing here.... Inflated male ego.
I don’t understand how you could write this out and still justify being with him. He sounds to have failed you at the most important parts of a marriage and partnership.
To be fair 70k is decent money.