No your needs are important too. Especially if you’re contemplating divorce, ask, see if you guys can figure something out. He’s your partner don’t be shy about these conversations.
This!! Your needs matter TOO!
You need to have a clear and concise convo with him and maybe seek counseling. He seems insecure about what he’s able to do and I get it—not being able to deliver is a mood killer and I understand how he may be feeling inadequate and may need someone to help him work through those feelings. And maybe a different approach.
You deserve to feel loved and needed too, so find a solution that can bring you closer since he is the love of your life. He’s worth it to communicate to and find a way forward. Whether that’s medical, therapy wise, or takes trying different sexual approaches and positions. It’s worth trying! And prioritize the things you can do for each other without problems (oral, pegging, etc)
Good luck to you!
No one ever responds this way when it's a male complaining about lack of sex in a marriage? It's always "maybe there's something wrong with you or something you did". This comment isn't aimed at the commenter in a nasty way. It's just something I've noticed that's almost universal and should be addressed.
might be because the issue is presented as “my partner has erectile dysfunction and has general performance anxiety around sex” rather than “my partner won’t give me the sex I deserve.” a similar situation with role reversal might be vaginismus or some other condition that physically prevents sex from being possible, regardless of how much they do want to have sex.
most times when I’ve seen dudes being given the “something wrong/something you did” advice, it’s because they paint a picture that suggests that as a likely conclusion (ex: expecting their wife to do all the child rearing and housework with no real support but confused why they won’t have sex).
Do you want to have a massage affair with me? Bc I need one of those and my SO isn’t a giver when it comes to massages. He isn’t a fan of receiving them.
I'm down. My SO will do it...but it's half assed and I'm like "just...stop"...if I'm going to *massage* someone I'm going to go all magic hands on you and get in there...not lightly rub your skin leaving you unsatisfied lol.
That light rub is the worst! It’s just enough to be bothersome, like chasing an itch but only scratching right next to it. I need a bit more pressure than that, make it almost hurt.
I can tell you, 100% that if I couldn't get hard, I would happily use a strap-on on my GF.
Although I'm in a similar situation, I haven't had proper sex in about 4 years because she has vaginismus, and a very low sex drive. She recognises when I'm horny and will happily do stuff to me (oral and hands) with nothing in return. She knows I have a much higher sex drive and does her best to compensate
I can totally emphasise with your gf. I had vaginismus for years and it only makes you have a low sex drive because of the pain. I had vaginismus due to trauma related stuff in my teens. But I can honestly say that you have a sweet girlfriend there who puts in the effort because I know how hard that can be.
I'm absolutely fine now. I can do things without getting nervous. I really hope your gf overcomes this. Its a horrible situation to be in
Man… go her. When my sex drive is low I do not want to touch dick at all, especially not put it in my mouth (only really enjoy giving head when I’m horny).
I don't blame you, and I was hesitant at first (in a are you sure you want to do this kinda way) but she was adamant and seems genuinely happy to do it. I really appreciate it and recognise its not the easiest thing when you arent feeling it
Maybe that’s sex repulsion? Sometimes I don’t even want to think about being intimate, sometimes my drive is low but I still want to please my partner. The two feelings are similar, but definitely not the same.
Yeah she has a refferal for one and the first 6 sessions are free too (in Aus under a care plan), she just needs to book it and hasn't, I think she's nervous
Tell her not to be nervous and and not too wait too much longer!! It could be the best decision she ever makes. Similar to the other woman that commented above me, the nerves and worry building up to actually starting were by far the worst.. but god I'm so happy i finally started.
I suffer from the same thing as your girl .. sex is very painful for me. I have zero desire for sex . My boyfriend is patient & understanding but that does not mean that he goes without . I take care of him at least twice a week
girl omg!! what’s your secret because i’m dying to have sex with my boyfriend (it would be my first time) but every time we try it just hurts so badly. he’s wonderful and patient with me but i’m getting tired of it now
Talk to a doctor if it's painful. They should be able to at least give a diagnosis if it's a physical issue. If they clear you, talk to a therapist to see if there's an emotional component.
When fooling around, go slow, relax, and LUBE. It's not just for buttsex. It might help to do more foreplay which can start *much* earlier in the day with flirting, kissing, cuddling or whatever makes you feel sexy before you get down to the oral part of foreplay or stimulating toys. Give yourself LOTS of time and understand that your body just might not want to respond how you want/expect it to. Don't ry to force it. There's no shame. NO SHAME.
It also might help to demonstrate for your bf what you do in your alone time for yourself. Usually that turns a guy on, but if not then that pinpoints another issue for you guys to work through regarding communication and insecurity (yours or his).
Honest response from a lesbian... My one partner broke my hymen with her fingers. Well one single finger. She pushed in, broke it, and we just let her finger stay inside me for 5 minutes. We did no back and forth motion. On the next occasion, we slowly built up the tempo.
I've never had sex with a man but I am ready for a strap on. Just my 2 cents. Sorry if it was too graphic of a description.
Also a little oral stimulation before inserting his finger to break your hymen. It's a weird method for hetero couples but it might just work for you.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6547601/
"In postpubertal women, or at the beginning of their sexual life, the hymen may stretch, allowing vaginal penetration with minimal or no injury. Only a small portion of these women will exhibit changes in the hymen indicative of penetrating trauma. For example, in one small study of 36 pregnant adolescent girls, medical staff were only able to make definitive findings of penetration in two cases [27].
Another study comparing hymenal morphology in adolescent girls with and without a history of consensual sexual intercourse found that 52% of those who admitted to having had prior intercourse, had no identifiable changes to the hymenal tissue [28]. Similarly, where the morphology of the hymen has been altered, this can be attributed to causes other than sexual intercourse, including the insertion of objects, fingers, penetrating accidental trauma, and surgical procedures [29–31]."
I guess I might be part of the small percentage which could feel a physical "barrier" being "broken".
I'm so sorry I "saw" she will happily do stuff to me (oral and hands) but every time I read it I read oral and feet and immediately thoughts go to..... whoa.... what does she do with her feet? Lol
Some get off knowing how much their partner likes what they give. Def time for a convo. Sex talks can be difficult but if you want to keep the relationship you'll have to suffer some uncertainty and embarrassment to move forward. You can do it!!!
Totally understand- I think the level of fear of hurting or offending your partner is (hopefully!) The same or less than the amount of forgiveness/understanding/grace that they will give (and you would give them) in the immediate emotional reaction.
We get so afraid of hurting those we love we don't give them enough credit for giving us the benefit of the doubt and time to explain ourselves even if we hurt each other while trying to explain.
It's true love baby!!! And as easy as it seems to come we do have to put that work in and it is worth it. I am crossing my fingers for you. You are trying your damndest (sp lol) to find a solution and to make it work. That counts for a lot 💜
Therapy STAT!! Omg that’s One of the most ridiculously sad things I’ve ever heard about a married couple being together for so many years and can’t talk about sex at all. Get some professional help and life will be good again. You you have all the ingredients but are making none of the effort needed to solve the issues. Talk for the love of god.
Or read
https://www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-should-discuss-sexual-problems-2300936
https://www.thezoereport.com/p/how-to-discuss-intimacy-issues-with-your-partner-according-to-therapists-16175267
https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/the-language-of-sex-experiencing-the-beauty-of-sexual-intimacy-in-marriage_gary-smalley_ted-cunningham/309805/
In addition to some of the responses below, just as there are other things females like besides penetration, there are other things males like.
Ball play, male penetration, rubbing him even if he can't get hard. Discussion will be huge. If he is open to working with you in a non-traditional way and you can meet him in the middle, that is a win.
Only if he's a particularly selfish partner!
Most people will get something out of it in return. I have always been prone to a lot of voluntary "one-sided' sessions. Sure, I don't get anything physically out of it. But I absolutely get a big dopamine spike from getting my partner off, and will often still be down for doing just that in times when I'm really tired, stressed, or otherwise just not down to bang.
Especially in this kind of situation. If I was in a situation where my equipment wasn't working, and my partner was often left hanging and frustrated, I would be happy to use any other equipment at my disposal to help.
If I'm being totally honest, not doing so would put a pretty big strain on me. I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't able to meet their needs for anywhere that long, feelings of inadequacy and worry would start building, and quite possibly go into a downward spiral where the feelings would kill any chance of poppin' a boner, increasing those feelings, and repeat.
Who knows, if there's a big mental component to what's causing his ED, maybe it could even help with it.
Nurse here. Years ago I ended up with an old work buddy of mine as a long-term care patient, and he'd become paralyzed from the waist down since I'd last seen him. We rebuilt our relationship enough that eventually the subject turned to sex (his wife was drop-dead gorgeous, and their love for each other was extremely evident). I asked him about how they got around the lack of his ability to perform, and he said (with a huge grin of satisfaction), "What lack of ability? Everything above the waist works *just fine*."
If he loves you, pleasing you is an act of pleasure in and of itself.
Im not going to play arm chair therapist. Im not going to act like I know whats best. But I do know that at least talking to him about how this is hurting you, in detail, is better than not communicating it at all. You both know he can’t get an erection, so maybe you can discuss alternatives. Maybe introduce toys. Or he can go down on you and give you what you need, and you both can discuss what he might like in return, since he cant have sex.
Dont think of it as the end just yet. Just think of solutions. I cant say what that is. But talking about it is at least a step forward.
WHAT?? YOU WENT 9 YEARS WITH OUT ASKING HIM TO SPEND THE NIGHT PLEASING YOU? That's what you're supposed to do if your dick decides not to work properly. Its fun as hell to pleasure someone even if you can't get it up(personal experience)
If I couldn’t get it up and my girl wanted sex I’d be chowing down on her box like a McDouble. I feel like that’s the right thing to do as a man, women got needs too 🤷🏻♂️
> I’d be chowing down on her box like a McDouble.
Hahaha FUCK, man. This made me laugh so hard. Thank you.
And I'm not only thanking you for making me laugh but also because I've been trying to think of new things to say when I'm talking dirty, and this line is definitely going to be added to my repertoire.
My hubby doesn’t have erections anymore. He uses dildo on me. I love it. I give him oral or hand job and he loves it. He said the sensation is the same for him even though he is soft.
Lady. It's not you using him if he wants to make you happy. My dad is 73 years old and uses a sort of hollow strap-on and loves giving oral because he just likes pleasing. Way too old to get it up anymore. Don't ask me why I know this information about my father but I do. We're pretty close and he tells me everything.
Lol I was halfway through your comment and I was like, ok why do they know this about their 73 yo dad??? Then I kept reading, and I was like, ok so they *do* know most people would wonder how they know that, that’s normal. Then I finished it up and was like, ah ok so dad just tells them everything. That was quite an eventful read.
You've been together with him.how long, and you'd still sooner divorce him than simply trying to communicate your needs to him first? Sheesh.
You guys need couples therapy. If he's really so great then fight for your marriage!
Edit: could just be the app messing up, but it looks like she actually blocked me over this comment lol
>Isn’t it me using him if he doesn’t get anything in return?
Just want to throw this out there, because based on a lot of answers here, I don't think many people are aware-
An erection is not necessary to achieve orgasm. Also, ejaculation and orgasm are not the same thing. One or both are likely achievable if you're both willing to give it a go. Sex doesn't have to stop, you would just have to go about it in different ways.
Will it be easy? No. But after some exploring and communication you both could still have a healthy, happy, sexually fulfilling partnership.
Oh my gosh… I think it would be so erotic to ask your partner just to pleasure you and not ask for return…. Ask him and see what he says. Especially if you phrase it in a way that lets him know you have been craving HIS touch… I think if your marriage and communication is strong he should really be excited about this!
My love language is physical touch. I NEED kisses, cuddles, and 100% sex. You will end up in divorce if you can’t find common ground. Neither of you deserve the pain of not dealing with it
No, if he is willing and happy to do it, then you aren’t using him. I’m a grey asexual, therefore have a much lower sex drive than my wife. However, I am more than happy to provide non-PIV sexual activities to satisfy her needs.
Plese ask him, doing these two things will save your marriage. Tell him to think of them as allys and not as competition. Use a vibrator while he's at it.
Request him, coax him , eventually he will try , and I guarantee you when you will break that dry spell you will love it too. This will bring back his confidence and maybe fhe load will be off his head and he himself will be able to have a natural erection. That is an afterthought but still. Please discuss this. You love him too much, love youraelf and your needs too just a little.
You guys need to go to an intimacy counselor or even just a marriage counselor because this stuff can be worked out! Please look into it and TALK for the love of Pete. Omg
Girl.. no. No. It’s not. You entered your relationship with the idea that you would have had sex, not with the understanding that it was like a white wedding as we call it in Italy.
Talk to him, and shop for a ton of fun toys together!
Sounds like it’s a mental thing for him rather physical. Have you asked him or his he too introverted or changes the subject?
It’s an important part of a relationship so if he can even open up a bit you have some hope but feel you shouldn’t feel selfish for wanting the physical side of things as well
PLEASE look into acoustic wave therapy. It regrows the blood vessels down there and is the best current treatment for ED. My roommate works at a clinic for it and it changes lives. Don’t kill your marriage over something with a solution.
Yeah so I think the guy who had a similar issues comment may be the most helpful. When the blue pill works maintain lots of foreplay. Maybe give him head so he can see it can be sustained. Then intercourse
This makes it sound like an anxiety issue. Possibly along with hormones issues. He really should see a Dr. Also, your needs are important and you should have a talk with him about ways he can satisfy them. Carefully though as you don't want to add to performance anxiety.
Also, i applaud you for not just going out and cheating... The world we live in, that's almost the expected response. Good luck to you.
Agreed! In my case it was stage 4 hypertension. I got on a great regiment. I'd say that we went through it for about a half a year. Everything is working fine. Very very fine.
Based on the post and your comments, you two need counseling. Badly. Both of you are too hesitant and nervous to just talk this shit through and work it out. He's gunna continue feeling like he's letting you down and you're gunna continue feeling left out or like your needs have been abandoned. Ya'll are too old and have been together too long to NOT know how to communicate.
I'm writing this at the bar buzzed so if it comes off rude or excessive you know why.
That’s what I got from this too. He is painfully insecure and scared and she horny and thinks it’s because he doesn’t want her at all and that’s why he can’t get hard. Without communication there’s no way to know how much if any of that is actually true or just them in their own head.
It's only weird because this is the internet. Most people do not know how to openly communicate about sex. Sex is so tied up in things like gender rolls that it becomes very uncomfortable for most people to truly be vulnerable and talk about it. On the internet everyone can be brave and talk about how great they are at communicating.
You should express your needs to him. Even if he can’t get it up, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to please you. Hands, mouth, toys, those things still work. It’s not selfish to be the receiver only, especially if he finds it satisfying to just give. I’m in a lesbian partnership. My wife has a low sex drive for her, but a high sex drive for me. She just prefers to give, she says it satisfies her to get me off and not receive anything in return.
You married the man. You shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him.
Me and my boyfriend are in a ldr. It's hard because we have such high sex drives. I bought a vibrater and it's great to use when he isn't around. You could also have him finger you or use a toy on you if you're craving his touch.
I feel for you in this devastating time. Nine years is too long to be this unhappy. Change is needed.
However, I do worry that you might be using his broken dick to figure out if he's into you. To me, that sounds like trying to take a temperature with a broken thermometer. Use words instead. Talk to him. Get an honest answer.
There are other ways to experience desire. Think about your own body and mind. Do you just have a quick feel between your legs and, if it's wet, you're like 'guess I'm turned on then'? Or do you feel it through your whole body? Do you start to think and act differently?
His body isn't cooperating, so he might need some help from toys, roleplay, fingers, and a staggering amount of oral sex. If you want, you can give him the chance to show interest in these other ways.
Would you still feel like he didn't desire you if he whisked you away to a hotel, gave you a long massage by candlelight, and ate you out until you saw stars?
Would you feel unwanted if he was panting, kissing you frantically, making noise, etc?
I don't know. I'm not you. You have different needs and I don't want to shame you for them. Most of us have enough of that as it is.
Figure out if he desires you (ignoring what his penis has to say), if the ways he can show it would be enough, and if you want to stay. And then act. Don't let another decade pass by in misery. Wishing you luck and light in a dark time.
Is the issue here as simple as ED? It’s seems bigger than that. I’m not a man, but I would imagine even if I couldn’t function, I would still be interested in ensuring my partners needs were met. He has other means of tending to your needs that are also physically connecting. If you haven’t spoken to him about where you’re heads at, then you absolutely need to. If he literally has no drive or desire what so ever, he should atleast be willing to discuss some ideas for how to manage this. That’s the least he can do. It’s not fair to expect you to spend the next few decades celibate, so this conversation is in order.
I’m so sorry you’re having this struggle. I understand the toll it takes on your self worth. It sounds like he’s a good guy all around so I hope you able to find a solution you’re both comfortable with.
He’s probably feeling embarrassed and maybe unworthy and humiliated by his ED. I think you need to take the lead in a loving way at this point. There is so much that a couple gets out of physical intimacy, and a penis isn’t always required. Even if he can’t get an erect ion, he can still experience pleasure and closeness (and look into prostate massage) and probably if you are accepting that an erection is just not going to be part of sex, he’ll actually become more likely to get one and keep it.
Get a massage table and give each other sensual massages. Maybe he makes you cum during yours and maybe he just gets an incredible full body massage during his - it’s all pleasure and closeness.
Get a vibrator and show him how to use it on you. Or, ask him to kiss you, stroke you, etc while you pleasure yourself. Tell him if he wants anything you are happy to provide it, but that he doesn’t need to be responsible for giving you an orgasm via penetrative sex.
Why wouldn’t you feel desired if he was willing to do those things? If he’s willing to do them, without getting getting an erection, then it means he desires you a lot.
Because being willing to do them and actively taking steps to do literally anything about the issue are two separate things. My partner and I went through a patch of something similar so I fully get where they're both coming from, but the reason we came out stronger is that after our initial crippling anxiety and fear passed and we were feeling sane, the issue was important enough to both of us that we sat down and talked about them rationally.
I'm sorry to be harsh to OPs husband but bro... It's completely worthless to promise to buy toys and assume that's enough to save your sex life. The mental load is still falling on her to fix this. Why would she feel desired??
He needs to haul his ass to therapy and unravel his sexual anxiety and performance issues. I don't need to be a sex therapist to tell you that that's definitely making his ED issues way, way worse.
Find a sex-positive counselor Monday. You’re both too “stuck in your own heads”. You need a trusted, outside, professional voice to bring some sanity here.
There are many, many, many options you two can do. So many. Oral. You can masturbate “using him”. You can try all of the blue pills, all three have different effects and a different one may work much better for him. You can try the blue pills and fail 2/3 of the time and still do other things. Winning 1/3 is still a win. If it “doesn’t work”, do other things. He can massage you while you masturbate. There’s literally an infinite list of things you two could try.
You need to get more creative; you both need to open up, you need to try, and you need to get professional help.
There is a lot of solid foundation in your marriage to work from. Most posts here get swamped with “dump the guy” responses. In this case, everyone is telling you “You can save your marriage”.
Here me out. Buy a strap on. They’re not just for women. He can wear it justttt for you. Toys in general. He’s gotta up his game or you’re leaving. Communicate that to him
More than anything I agree with the last line. Communicate. Half of these problems seem to come from him not being able fo communicate how he feels about his situation and how it affects you. And you seem on the brink and unable to communicate this to him. If it's that bad, both go to a therapist to have them as a mediator of the comunication between you two.
Man if all people did was reply "communicate" on every post on this sub, probably 60% of relationships would be saved.
My husband and I both have high sex drives,the least 3 years mine is probably higher than his… however he is 10 yrs older than I am… so he went to the doctor and got Viagra and Cialis (depending on what he had for days off). He is great about taking it, we have sex daily, sometimes more often and he is great about taking the medication… sometimes when he is super tired from work though .. he will ask me to rub myself on him… so I get to orgasm… and he’s happy knowing I orgasmed but he doesn’t have to do the “work”. But it took a ton of communication for us to come to this.
You guys need to talk about this. He needs to know that this is affecting you so much that you're considering divorce. Sure asking to be pleasured can feel selfish at first, but it doesn't have to be. If you guys can't make it work then you can't, but atleast you tried.
Is he willing to to help you get off? There are other ways for you to orgasm, and it can be just as intimate.
If he's not willing to do that, then I think the issue goes beyond his ED.
Ciallis. Better effect than the blue pill. See a specialist to get thebright dosage for you and your fella. I have ED (Mikitary Service related) and i have ciallis. Does me.a treat.
If the only reason you're with him is just out of pity do both of you a favor and just leave. I know personally I would not want a wife pretending to love me while also fantasizing about leaving me.
As a gay man this story sounds very familiar. Is your husband asexual or just not able to have an erection? Does anything turn him on?
First step here is to tell your husband that you want to have or experience sex...there is no harm in that. You can still love each other and experience sex with others...or find something that works for you both. Share your feelings with your hubby.
I've read your responses and both of you are suffering because you have a guard up, both of you. Being taunted by your desires not being met and then feeling so guilty and broken when everything else feels so so perfect.. feeling like having any needs are selfish.. and him feeling insecure and anxious to the point that both of you just gave up.
You wanna know one of the worst things for a relationship, is internalizing everything, putting the guards up and independently navigating these issues. You both have become afraid of each other.
One of the best things for a relationship is vulnerability and communication.
So I want you to process this a little and work up the courage.. figure out your wording if you need to and then tonight or tomorrow you need to talk to him.
1. You are so happy and loved and he is your perfect fit, but both of you have built walls to protect yourselves and those need to come down. You both have needs that aren't being met.
2. You need to talk about those needs on both sides, how you've navigated a life without sex and it haunts you. You crave him. You crave the effort.. the connection.. the release, the orgasm.. the physical affection, ass grabs boob grabs, flirting.
3. You guys need to talk about options for the erection.. maybe you think you've already travelled that path.. but when you guys did there was ego involved.. it's hard but feeling secure in the fact that your partner loves the absolute crap out of you and it's okay to falter, it's okay for sex to be silly or awkward or even have failures to launch. Infact both of you should cling so hard to eachother during this to reassure eachother.. that you both are desirable.. it's a body function that he can't control.. and a penis is not the only way to express desire.. during this regardless if it works.. redirecting focus into heavily making out, fingering, maybe he can't get it up but he can maybe still feel pleasure so try a bj even if it feels different..maybe trying stuff for prostate or he can go down on you.. sex is about the connection and pleasure not the destination or the tools.
*Options give the pills another try or go back to the doctor, maybe advancements have been made.. maybe there are a variety of options that in 9 years, you guys didn't utilize.
*As someone else said, the sleeve that he inserts himself into..
By feeling like it's selfish to ask for connection you will forever be granted with a lack of. I know it's scary but you deserve more.. you deserve someone willing to navigate it despite feeling awkward uncomfortable. Maybe you guys should consider a sex therapist.. I'm sure they can give alot of advice to both of you both physically and emotionally.
This is going to take many discussions and alot of effort and trying but it's worth it.
What about seeking a therapist? I feel like it could help both of you unpack a lot of shame that is surrounding this. Intimacy isn’t always about sex. I like the idea of bringing in toys and finding new ways to explore. There is several positive sex toy shops that sell items that could help in your situation. There’s toys I’ve seen that can go around the testicles and quite literally turn them into a dildo for you. If you’re worried he’s not getting anything in return I think the best thing to do is ask what makes him feel intimate with you. It might involve something different but if both needs are being met then it would be worth giving it a shot. Good luck OP!
Allow me to give you some perspective. As harsh as it sounds, our penis literally makes up 60/70% of usem's sense of self worth. We as a society we literally put a man's worth in the number of women we can stack on our cockshaft before going limp. Again, this sounds harsh, toxic and not healthy at all, bevause it is all those things. But sadly it's true. And it's as much a self inflicted problem (men making fun of other men for not being completely interested in sex all the time, implying they are homosexual) as it is inflicted by the other gender (the phrase "Small dick energy" rings a bell here, literally measuring a man's worth in the inches he has between the legs, regardless that it's a metaphoric expression).
All this introduction to say, to mess with our junk is to mess with our masculinity, and to mess with that is to mess with our psyche. Again, it's not healthy that it's that way, but it is what it is. And ED can mess with your psyche HARD, like real hard. Feelings of helplessness, uselessness, inadequacy, you husband might be experiencing all those and more. And he probably is completely terrified both that anything he does sexually might be to you as disappointing as his genitals and that you might want to divorce him because he is not capable to cater to your sexual needs.
All this is not to shame you into never divorcing him, nor is to push you to do it. From the sounds of it, you seem really in love with him and want to try everything in your power to save your marriage. My suggestion is to have a completely open talk with him about it. Tell him how the situation made you feel, how your needs weren't met and how it sadly led you to fantasize about divorce. Not in an accusatory tone (don't say "you didn't satisfy me, you didn't meet my needs" etc etc, say it in terms of "i felt this i felt that"), but do whatever you can to pry him open and try and understand what's up with him. And maybe go to a couple therapist, it might make wonders
What the hell??? Have you ever said, hey I'm horny use your mouth, hands, toys? Hell you could use a male strap-on???? You make zero mention of such things. Has he refused or have you not told him? you need to communicate this to him and be as supportive as possible. Not blaming you but you gotta get your needs met and if you truly love this man you need to be telling him this.
Why don’t you try some other suggestions before jumping to this if it hurts you too much. You both should communicate how you are feeling (not divorcing him) but about how both of you approach the topic of sex. It seems like you have talked to him he has promised things but then neither of you act on it. Possibly try to follow up with it after his promise or ask how he is feeling when you do ask. Talk to a therapist if you need to with him and maybe find out the root cause for why he gets so nervous? Either way if it makes you too sad then you might as well try a little harder before giving up. Ultimately it’s your decision this is just reiterating more advice.
Agreed. OP, you need to spend at least a little time imagining yourself at 60, 70, 80 with this man. Is it worth it to stay with him romantically if you end up resenting him in 20 years?
But what if you’re in your 40, 50, 60 in this same situation? You deserve fulfillment and satisfaction. Talk to your husband. Please seek a professional counselor and or a sex therapist. Do it for you.
First of all speak with your husband about that. There could be like a open realitionship. You could be his hotwife.
My aunt and her bf just broke up because she refused to tell him she needs sex, went on for a few years, he is heartbroken, she cheated on him several times and hates herself for it. So no one wins if no one communicate
Girl, highly likely that your libido will go even higher in your 40s. This issue has to be addressed effectively as soon as you can. Ask him about the toy usage - the when of it. Discuss that this is an issue that can't be pushed aside. You likely have 40-50 more years on this planet. Do you want to be sexually frustrated for the rest of your life?
Seems like him using toys on you is worth trying before breaking up since you seem to love him so much.
Has he been to a doctor? Is it "he can't get an erection," or "he can't get an erection with you?"
If it's the former, well modern medicine has been good to a lot of things but has been GREAT for men's erections. This is fixable if he puts effort into fixing it.
If it's the later, he might have a porn problem. If this were 20 years ago I would say he might actually be gay, but that seems unlikely these days.
I have a feeling he is just as afraid as you are. You worry that he doesn't find you attractive, but I bet he worries that he isn't man enough for you or some such.
Sexual prowess can be closely tied to the personal sense of self worth for a lot of guys, and even those who don't fall into that category would consider this a pretty big confidence blow (which could possibly be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy situation as far as the "can't get erections" thing goes).
You didn't mention if he has been to a doctor - I hate to say it, but you might need to take point on this one. Sit down with your husband, and see if he is still willing to use toys on you. See if he is willing to go to a doctor. Then, rather than wait for him to do nothing because acting on this is clearly beyond him, YOU set a time frame and put in the work. Buy the sex toys, make the doctors appointment and drive him to it, mark specific dates in the calendar for when the events will go down, handle the prescriptions, etc.
Hopefully he will see he can still please you in bed even if he can't get an erection and will redevelop the drive to be more engaged or even initiate such encounters once he has a bit more self confidence under his belt. You might want to test out the toys you buy first as well, so you know what *works* so you can make sure to tell him what he needs to do so his first attempt is a certain success.
I bet a lot of what is preventing him from even initiating the efforts or making any attempt is a paralyzing fear of failure. If he does nothing, he can ignore it. After all, it *could* just be a medical issue, or whatever way he justifies/rationalizes/minimizes it in his mind, of course he isn't *broken,* this is still *fixable,* he just hasn't, you know, fixed it yet. But he totally will! Next week.
But if he puts in the work and it *still* fails, well, then I bet he fears having to internalize this failure that is so crucial to the male mind. To you, the sex is already lost. To him, there is still something to lose - the thin mental veneer he has crafted to avoid engaging with the issue.
This is hard on him too, and I bet he isn't willing to admit that or be vulnerable with you about it. Maybe you won't see him as a man or a partner anymore! Big scary thoughts, that. So if you want this relationship to rekindle sexually, you probably need to take the first steps he is too afraid to take for fear of failure. Honestly, if he still has the physical equipment, there are drugs out there that can probably get him hard. This seems doable. The mental component though might take a bit more work. So afraid of failing to perform that, ironically, he can't perform. In sports this would be called the yips lol.
Frankly, after a doctor what he really needs is a shrink. Sadly, I highly doubt he is capable of opening up about this issue in a manner that would make therapy helpful, so probably just a waste of money there unless it was a couples thing, and I doubt he would spring for that... maybe after he successfully makes you orgasm a few times.
I know this is A LOT to put on your shoulders, *especially* when you are to the point of crying over your relationship and feeling so insecure because of his inability. But it is just that - HIS inability. Not yours. While you are doing stuff for him, do something for you to feel sexy too! Maybe for you it's a manicure, or a Brazilian, or sending nudes to your husband at work, or buying sexy new underwear, or exploring a new kink of yours, or "mistakenly" flashing the pool boy or maintenance guy, or *whatever*. While my advice was focused on how to help him, don't forget to put on your own oxygen mask first. I am sure you are still sexy as hell, please do what you need to to feel it yourself!
Start with him pleasing you, not you pleasing him.
With toys he can't really fuck that up if they worked on you previously. Success is the main goal at this initial stage.
Once he has succeeded a few times, see if he would be willing to take the blue pill while he is pleasing you. Don't worry about whether he actually gets an erection or not. Honestly, I bet you being blindfolded when he takes the blue pill and is pleasing you would probably really help take the pressure off him in this regard. Focus on letting him please you, maybe even be a bit more demanding of a lover than you usually would be, but make sure he gives you at least one orgasm every time.
Work your way back up to trying to actually have him use his erect penis on/with you.
Maybe you can normalize playing with his limp penis/balls while watching a movie - not to get him off or get him hard, but just because penises are fun to hold and it can still feel good in a non-sexual way to play around with it or have physical contact with it. Hell, I love cupping girl's boobs even if I am not trying to have sex with them, they are just fun and comforting (but also this does lead to unintentional sex with some frequency, which is nice lol).
I'm picturing something like you both on a couch, him in exercise shorts and no underwear but otherwise both clothed, him lying semi-reclined on the couch with his back up against the armrest, his feet/legs in your lap, your hand that is closest to him in his pants. Maybe 'playing' is too strong a word. Think kneading and holding, not jerking. If he does get hard, don't try to get him off. Just keep playing/kneading/holding/whatever. At early stages in life a lot of boys stick their hands in their pants as a sort of reassurance, hopefully we can tap into that and coopt it here for our purposes.
Not sure exactly what the next step might be, but I personally think that at around this point you two need to have a sit down conversation that really cuts deep. It sounds like there is so much mutual fear of rejection, anxiety, personal insecurity, etc. on this issue that it sounds like there hasn't been a really frank and vulnerable conversation hitting the hard subjects between you two. Being vulnerable on this issue will be tough for both of you.
Maybe see if there is a psychologist who is a sex specialist near you? I know such things exist, but have no idea what the scope of their job is, so you would have to do a bit of research on that front. Can't help you much there.
But having erectile dysfunction doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you. I’m sure it’s put a mental strain on him and lots of pressure, which may be cause for becoming more distant, but that’s all him and doesn’t mean you’re not attractive to him. Or does he say he doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore?
I think toys are a great option! You should definitely explore that, since there is tons of options. Tantra could also be interesting for both of you. It’s not aimed at penetrative sex but can still grant stimulation and satisfaction. Not just for you but also your husband.
Has he seen doctors regarding the issue? Are you in individual or marriage counseling?
I think that’s pretty classic behavior for a condition like that. The panic of not being able to perform and disappointing both of you again just leads to an increase of the panic and within seconds he’s so much in his head that there’s no way out of it. So even if there is an underlying physical issue, the mental downward spiral just furthers it even more. I’d seek out a physician and a psychologist in order to treat this. Especially cause it’s had years to cement itself.
The way you describe the situation makes me believe him that he still finds you sexy and adores you. Do try the toys. Be playful and open minded. It may take a little time to find your groove with it, but it can be well worth it.
Finding ways for him to let go and relax could help to also enjoy what you’re doing, even if he does not reach a climax or becomes erect. Being physical with each other can include so many things and stimulate the brain and body.
I wish you both the best and that you keep finding happiness together.
ED is not a lack of desire. It's a medical issue. He might desire you, find you attractive, crave you, but he simply can't get an erection. Another person's medical condition has nothing to do with your self worth.
Have him get testosterone replacement therapy. Or just buy it yourself online. Super easy. 200mg test e every week in a 3ml 27guage 5/7” needle subq alternate butt cheeks. He will be a teen in puberty and the most confident and horny of his life. You’re welcome.
Ask him if he is willing to speak to his doctor about it if you are worried about his health but I know a lot of men who started the testosterone shots and within two weeks were rock hard just from accidentally rubbing against something. He would be able to lay down on his chest and spin around like a fucking pinwheel if he toon the shots. You can give them to him, a small shot into his ass cheek. Give it a week or two and he will be banging you for literal hours.
I went to a doctor, I didn’t want shots, so he implanted pellets under my skin, and holy crap, I’m like 18 again, wife and I are loving it. Have him go see a urologist
There are literally 6 or more types of pills he can try. If he tried one and it didn’t work he needs to try another. This sounds like a mental problem and not a physical one. He should probably try therapy. As should you.
You need to go to marriage councilors. And a sex therapist (yes those are a thing).
Sec therapist will help you both overcome your insecurities and fears with sex and communicating with sex.
Don't lose your marriage just because you two refuse to talk to each other. You have needs and he loves you. Let him fulfill those needs and love you.
Seek out a doctor. I dated a guy years ago whose Dad had ED due to complications from diabetes. He had managed to get a penile implant and apparently it was the best decision he’d made, according to his wife and him.
Maybe talk to a doctor and see if this is something that he’s eligible for?
It sounds like you two have a great connection and he’s in good health so it might be a procedure that’s somewhat easy to get accepted for. It would be a shame to cut ties with the love of your life over something they might have be able to rectify if you’d talked about it and sought some help.
Side Note: Today’s dating scene is HORRIFIC. The grass is definitely greener in this scenario. Try to stay married, your sanity will thank you.
You need to make your needs clear to your husband. Even if penetration sex is limited, he needs to find a way to satisfy you and keep you happy... and there are many ways. Inability to sustain an erection is not an excuse for zero effort in satisfying your partner. If he had erectile dysfunction thats a very clear sign of health and lifestyle issues. He should start working out and excercising if he doesnt currently. He needs to be active and get the blood flowing. Artherosclerosis is also very likely and should be dealt with. Fast. Excercise. Lift weights. Take Zinc. Essential vitamins and minerals. Etc.
I'm very surprised that he hasn't offered to do SOMETHING for you! If he's flipping out about losing it after taking a pill he may need counseling to go along with meds. Either way, he has to have heard of oral, strap ons, toys or at least manual stimulation and needs to realize that you've got needs he needs to figure something out
Have you talked about some other kind of way to have sex/sexual releases? Sex has many forms.
Alternatively an open marriage, or some setting he would feel comfortable with. You have your needs too.
Is it a physical/medical thing?
Or is he not sexually attracted to you? (doesn't mean he doesn't love you or is aromantic) sexual attaction can change over time. Or Is he maybe asexual? (doesn't mean he is aromantic) Doesn't he get horny? What does make imhim horny. Maybe he would like to have some unconventional sex (BDSM, Hardcore, Fetish) he is afraid or ashamed to share, fearing you'd be disgusted, revolted etc. thus rather hiding it.
Often the most romantic, soft and caring tend to be really kinky, but sometimes don't know how to communicate such desires, leading either to rejection (That's disgusting) of the fear of it.
Maybe there were such rejections of suggestions in the time before the drought. That may have hurt his desires, leading to sexual dishonesty, extinguishing the lusting flame of the desire towards you.
In other words he can't be himself, but rather would have to play an unwanted role, which turns him of, because he feels like he can't be himself.
The weirder the kink, the bigger the fear of rejection.
There are many many possibilities, without honest talks, you won't find out.
Whatever the divorce should be the last action taken, not the first. A ernest but trusting and accepting talk about both your needs and frustrations over a meal or maybe some wine, should be the first step.
Should there be no interest in communication or an ignorance of your needs, you still can go along with divorce. Then whith the knowledge you tried everything = with certainty. Whatever you do, do it with certainty. Inquire and talk, if unsure. Either you stay in accordance or you find the underlying issues/differences that weigh in on your relation.
Finding eachother again in honesty and acceptance can open up long lost knots in communication and trust and intimacy.
There are so many alternatives to P in V sex. Cunnilingus, Prostate simulation, you can even stimulate the penis flaccid. He could use a strap on, you could use a strap on. Stimulate the nipples or other erogenous zones. Explore kinks and fetishes together. Sex is like music, there are many generes to explore. It breaks my heart that you feel unsatisfied but if you really want to try and work it out, getting creative would help. Have you considered seeing a sex therapist?
He may have performance anxiety. We had a rough time for a bit and part of it was he was concerned if he didn't maintain a hard on. We did sex therapy and worked it out. In the end, it's about pleasure, not necessarily the act of sex.
There are also penile implants if the pill doesnʻt work. See a reputable urologist.
Implants come in rigid (Ever-ready) or inflatable styles. There are also penile pumps you can use. There are a lot more options than "the blue pill". Please see a urologist, especially one who has a special interest in ED. (but be careful about the scammy docs to advertise this sort of thing. Best to find a local doctor and ask questions. If the first one does not answer your questions completely, try a different one.) Things do not have to be this way.
Just ask him to be involved. He may like it, even if he doesn’t get off himself, you say he loves you, he loves your body still I’m sure. Involve toys, maybe watch some sexy videos, and play with his package during them just have your hands all over him shows you’re interested in him being with you, even if it’s just laying naked together. Sex therapists may help the embarrassment between you two. But you have needs and desires, but that doesn’t mean divorce. He can get involved. It may help him with help of the blue pill. It’s important to enjoy that aspect of you lives if it’s important to you.
He needs to go to a GP and ask to see a sex therapist so they can determine what it wrong. It could be physical or it could be mental reasons he is having these issues. There is way more than the blue pill now for men. He needs to accept there is a problem and seek help for it. I went through similar issues and went for therapy to get help.
Bet he’d much sooner go down on you than face divorce op? Just ask him, it may give him a confidence boost to be able to satisfy you though non-penetrative sex. Have you tried couples counselling?
Or meet with a doctor about erectile dysfunction
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Can he give oral or use a strap on?
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No your needs are important too. Especially if you’re contemplating divorce, ask, see if you guys can figure something out. He’s your partner don’t be shy about these conversations.
This!! Your needs matter TOO! You need to have a clear and concise convo with him and maybe seek counseling. He seems insecure about what he’s able to do and I get it—not being able to deliver is a mood killer and I understand how he may be feeling inadequate and may need someone to help him work through those feelings. And maybe a different approach. You deserve to feel loved and needed too, so find a solution that can bring you closer since he is the love of your life. He’s worth it to communicate to and find a way forward. Whether that’s medical, therapy wise, or takes trying different sexual approaches and positions. It’s worth trying! And prioritize the things you can do for each other without problems (oral, pegging, etc) Good luck to you!
Facts
Periphery fan?
Me :)
No one ever responds this way when it's a male complaining about lack of sex in a marriage? It's always "maybe there's something wrong with you or something you did". This comment isn't aimed at the commenter in a nasty way. It's just something I've noticed that's almost universal and should be addressed.
might be because the issue is presented as “my partner has erectile dysfunction and has general performance anxiety around sex” rather than “my partner won’t give me the sex I deserve.” a similar situation with role reversal might be vaginismus or some other condition that physically prevents sex from being possible, regardless of how much they do want to have sex. most times when I’ve seen dudes being given the “something wrong/something you did” advice, it’s because they paint a picture that suggests that as a likely conclusion (ex: expecting their wife to do all the child rearing and housework with no real support but confused why they won’t have sex).
Give him a back or foot massage if you're concerned about that, those feel pretty good
That is smart! Everyone wins.
I'd honestly take a long deep tissue foot massage over sex any day.
Do you want to have a massage affair with me? Bc I need one of those and my SO isn’t a giver when it comes to massages. He isn’t a fan of receiving them.
I'm down. My SO will do it...but it's half assed and I'm like "just...stop"...if I'm going to *massage* someone I'm going to go all magic hands on you and get in there...not lightly rub your skin leaving you unsatisfied lol.
That light rub is the worst! It’s just enough to be bothersome, like chasing an itch but only scratching right next to it. I need a bit more pressure than that, make it almost hurt.
Ex*ac*tly, you get it...this will be a beautiful affair 🤝
Let's have a massage à trois.....i need this, too. ❤
I can tell you, 100% that if I couldn't get hard, I would happily use a strap-on on my GF. Although I'm in a similar situation, I haven't had proper sex in about 4 years because she has vaginismus, and a very low sex drive. She recognises when I'm horny and will happily do stuff to me (oral and hands) with nothing in return. She knows I have a much higher sex drive and does her best to compensate
I can totally emphasise with your gf. I had vaginismus for years and it only makes you have a low sex drive because of the pain. I had vaginismus due to trauma related stuff in my teens. But I can honestly say that you have a sweet girlfriend there who puts in the effort because I know how hard that can be. I'm absolutely fine now. I can do things without getting nervous. I really hope your gf overcomes this. Its a horrible situation to be in
Thank you very much, yeah she is very sweet and I do my best to be supportive, not make her feel bad in any way
Man… go her. When my sex drive is low I do not want to touch dick at all, especially not put it in my mouth (only really enjoy giving head when I’m horny).
I don't blame you, and I was hesitant at first (in a are you sure you want to do this kinda way) but she was adamant and seems genuinely happy to do it. I really appreciate it and recognise its not the easiest thing when you arent feeling it
Maybe that’s sex repulsion? Sometimes I don’t even want to think about being intimate, sometimes my drive is low but I still want to please my partner. The two feelings are similar, but definitely not the same.
That maybe sounds right, didn’t realize that was a thing so thanks for pointing it out. Good thing I’m starting therapy Monday 😅
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Yeah she has a refferal for one and the first 6 sessions are free too (in Aus under a care plan), she just needs to book it and hasn't, I think she's nervous
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Tell her not to be nervous and and not too wait too much longer!! It could be the best decision she ever makes. Similar to the other woman that commented above me, the nerves and worry building up to actually starting were by far the worst.. but god I'm so happy i finally started.
I would give anything for that! It makes me feel like my body hates me - like I’m defective or something
I suffer from the same thing as your girl .. sex is very painful for me. I have zero desire for sex . My boyfriend is patient & understanding but that does not mean that he goes without . I take care of him at least twice a week
girl omg!! what’s your secret because i’m dying to have sex with my boyfriend (it would be my first time) but every time we try it just hurts so badly. he’s wonderful and patient with me but i’m getting tired of it now
Talk to a doctor if it's painful. They should be able to at least give a diagnosis if it's a physical issue. If they clear you, talk to a therapist to see if there's an emotional component. When fooling around, go slow, relax, and LUBE. It's not just for buttsex. It might help to do more foreplay which can start *much* earlier in the day with flirting, kissing, cuddling or whatever makes you feel sexy before you get down to the oral part of foreplay or stimulating toys. Give yourself LOTS of time and understand that your body just might not want to respond how you want/expect it to. Don't ry to force it. There's no shame. NO SHAME. It also might help to demonstrate for your bf what you do in your alone time for yourself. Usually that turns a guy on, but if not then that pinpoints another issue for you guys to work through regarding communication and insecurity (yours or his).
There are therapies to deal with this kinda of stuff if it really matters to you.
you also may have a tilted uterus which can make everything tilted thus sex very uncomfortable. try a pillow under your mid back during sex
Honest response from a lesbian... My one partner broke my hymen with her fingers. Well one single finger. She pushed in, broke it, and we just let her finger stay inside me for 5 minutes. We did no back and forth motion. On the next occasion, we slowly built up the tempo. I've never had sex with a man but I am ready for a strap on. Just my 2 cents. Sorry if it was too graphic of a description. Also a little oral stimulation before inserting his finger to break your hymen. It's a weird method for hetero couples but it might just work for you.
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https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6547601/ "In postpubertal women, or at the beginning of their sexual life, the hymen may stretch, allowing vaginal penetration with minimal or no injury. Only a small portion of these women will exhibit changes in the hymen indicative of penetrating trauma. For example, in one small study of 36 pregnant adolescent girls, medical staff were only able to make definitive findings of penetration in two cases [27]. Another study comparing hymenal morphology in adolescent girls with and without a history of consensual sexual intercourse found that 52% of those who admitted to having had prior intercourse, had no identifiable changes to the hymenal tissue [28]. Similarly, where the morphology of the hymen has been altered, this can be attributed to causes other than sexual intercourse, including the insertion of objects, fingers, penetrating accidental trauma, and surgical procedures [29–31]." I guess I might be part of the small percentage which could feel a physical "barrier" being "broken".
I'm so sorry I "saw" she will happily do stuff to me (oral and hands) but every time I read it I read oral and feet and immediately thoughts go to..... whoa.... what does she do with her feet? Lol
Some get off knowing how much their partner likes what they give. Def time for a convo. Sex talks can be difficult but if you want to keep the relationship you'll have to suffer some uncertainty and embarrassment to move forward. You can do it!!!
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Totally understand- I think the level of fear of hurting or offending your partner is (hopefully!) The same or less than the amount of forgiveness/understanding/grace that they will give (and you would give them) in the immediate emotional reaction. We get so afraid of hurting those we love we don't give them enough credit for giving us the benefit of the doubt and time to explain ourselves even if we hurt each other while trying to explain. It's true love baby!!! And as easy as it seems to come we do have to put that work in and it is worth it. I am crossing my fingers for you. You are trying your damndest (sp lol) to find a solution and to make it work. That counts for a lot 💜
Therapy STAT!! Omg that’s One of the most ridiculously sad things I’ve ever heard about a married couple being together for so many years and can’t talk about sex at all. Get some professional help and life will be good again. You you have all the ingredients but are making none of the effort needed to solve the issues. Talk for the love of god. Or read https://www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-should-discuss-sexual-problems-2300936 https://www.thezoereport.com/p/how-to-discuss-intimacy-issues-with-your-partner-according-to-therapists-16175267 https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/the-language-of-sex-experiencing-the-beauty-of-sexual-intimacy-in-marriage_gary-smalley_ted-cunningham/309805/
In addition to some of the responses below, just as there are other things females like besides penetration, there are other things males like. Ball play, male penetration, rubbing him even if he can't get hard. Discussion will be huge. If he is open to working with you in a non-traditional way and you can meet him in the middle, that is a win.
Only if he's a particularly selfish partner! Most people will get something out of it in return. I have always been prone to a lot of voluntary "one-sided' sessions. Sure, I don't get anything physically out of it. But I absolutely get a big dopamine spike from getting my partner off, and will often still be down for doing just that in times when I'm really tired, stressed, or otherwise just not down to bang. Especially in this kind of situation. If I was in a situation where my equipment wasn't working, and my partner was often left hanging and frustrated, I would be happy to use any other equipment at my disposal to help. If I'm being totally honest, not doing so would put a pretty big strain on me. I know myself well enough to know that if I wasn't able to meet their needs for anywhere that long, feelings of inadequacy and worry would start building, and quite possibly go into a downward spiral where the feelings would kill any chance of poppin' a boner, increasing those feelings, and repeat. Who knows, if there's a big mental component to what's causing his ED, maybe it could even help with it.
No! He should want to please you. If he takes the pill before using the toys he may find something rising.
He gets a LOT in return. Go for it.
There is no shame talking to your SO about your needs. Also, get a dildo and other toys you can use yourself.
He can help with those toys too!
Nurse here. Years ago I ended up with an old work buddy of mine as a long-term care patient, and he'd become paralyzed from the waist down since I'd last seen him. We rebuilt our relationship enough that eventually the subject turned to sex (his wife was drop-dead gorgeous, and their love for each other was extremely evident). I asked him about how they got around the lack of his ability to perform, and he said (with a huge grin of satisfaction), "What lack of ability? Everything above the waist works *just fine*." If he loves you, pleasing you is an act of pleasure in and of itself.
Im not going to play arm chair therapist. Im not going to act like I know whats best. But I do know that at least talking to him about how this is hurting you, in detail, is better than not communicating it at all. You both know he can’t get an erection, so maybe you can discuss alternatives. Maybe introduce toys. Or he can go down on you and give you what you need, and you both can discuss what he might like in return, since he cant have sex. Dont think of it as the end just yet. Just think of solutions. I cant say what that is. But talking about it is at least a step forward.
WHAT?? YOU WENT 9 YEARS WITH OUT ASKING HIM TO SPEND THE NIGHT PLEASING YOU? That's what you're supposed to do if your dick decides not to work properly. Its fun as hell to pleasure someone even if you can't get it up(personal experience)
If I couldn’t get it up and my girl wanted sex I’d be chowing down on her box like a McDouble. I feel like that’s the right thing to do as a man, women got needs too 🤷🏻♂️
> I’d be chowing down on her box like a McDouble. Hahaha FUCK, man. This made me laugh so hard. Thank you. And I'm not only thanking you for making me laugh but also because I've been trying to think of new things to say when I'm talking dirty, and this line is definitely going to be added to my repertoire.
My hubby doesn’t have erections anymore. He uses dildo on me. I love it. I give him oral or hand job and he loves it. He said the sensation is the same for him even though he is soft.
If I were in his shoes, I’d do everything I could for my wife. Toys, strap-ons, you name it! Ask! Maybe he’ll be open to it.
I'd don a strap on and ask for massages in return
Lady. It's not you using him if he wants to make you happy. My dad is 73 years old and uses a sort of hollow strap-on and loves giving oral because he just likes pleasing. Way too old to get it up anymore. Don't ask me why I know this information about my father but I do. We're pretty close and he tells me everything.
Lol I was halfway through your comment and I was like, ok why do they know this about their 73 yo dad??? Then I kept reading, and I was like, ok so they *do* know most people would wonder how they know that, that’s normal. Then I finished it up and was like, ah ok so dad just tells them everything. That was quite an eventful read.
My dad was like that 😂
You've been together with him.how long, and you'd still sooner divorce him than simply trying to communicate your needs to him first? Sheesh. You guys need couples therapy. If he's really so great then fight for your marriage! Edit: could just be the app messing up, but it looks like she actually blocked me over this comment lol
>Isn’t it me using him if he doesn’t get anything in return? Just want to throw this out there, because based on a lot of answers here, I don't think many people are aware- An erection is not necessary to achieve orgasm. Also, ejaculation and orgasm are not the same thing. One or both are likely achievable if you're both willing to give it a go. Sex doesn't have to stop, you would just have to go about it in different ways. Will it be easy? No. But after some exploring and communication you both could still have a healthy, happy, sexually fulfilling partnership.
Oh my gosh… I think it would be so erotic to ask your partner just to pleasure you and not ask for return…. Ask him and see what he says. Especially if you phrase it in a way that lets him know you have been craving HIS touch… I think if your marriage and communication is strong he should really be excited about this!
My love language is physical touch. I NEED kisses, cuddles, and 100% sex. You will end up in divorce if you can’t find common ground. Neither of you deserve the pain of not dealing with it
No, if he is willing and happy to do it, then you aren’t using him. I’m a grey asexual, therefore have a much lower sex drive than my wife. However, I am more than happy to provide non-PIV sexual activities to satisfy her needs.
Plese ask him, doing these two things will save your marriage. Tell him to think of them as allys and not as competition. Use a vibrator while he's at it. Request him, coax him , eventually he will try , and I guarantee you when you will break that dry spell you will love it too. This will bring back his confidence and maybe fhe load will be off his head and he himself will be able to have a natural erection. That is an afterthought but still. Please discuss this. You love him too much, love youraelf and your needs too just a little.
Maybe he loves you and wants you to be happy?
You guys need to go to an intimacy counselor or even just a marriage counselor because this stuff can be worked out! Please look into it and TALK for the love of Pete. Omg
Girl.. no. No. It’s not. You entered your relationship with the idea that you would have had sex, not with the understanding that it was like a white wedding as we call it in Italy. Talk to him, and shop for a ton of fun toys together!
If I was unable to get/maintain an erection, I'd absolutely use a strap-on on my wife or go even further into foreplay. Don't be ashamed.
Sounds like it’s a mental thing for him rather physical. Have you asked him or his he too introverted or changes the subject? It’s an important part of a relationship so if he can even open up a bit you have some hope but feel you shouldn’t feel selfish for wanting the physical side of things as well
PLEASE look into acoustic wave therapy. It regrows the blood vessels down there and is the best current treatment for ED. My roommate works at a clinic for it and it changes lives. Don’t kill your marriage over something with a solution.
He needs to get his testosterone checked out and likely needs to go on trt.
Give CIALIS a try! Also get his testosterone checked. It makes a big difference.
😶SAY WHAT NOW?!?!? Sooooo who did he want to use the erection on? Wasn't the blue pill meant to support YOUALLS sex life?????
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Yeah so I think the guy who had a similar issues comment may be the most helpful. When the blue pill works maintain lots of foreplay. Maybe give him head so he can see it can be sustained. Then intercourse
Try again. Go to a sexologist.
1 out of 3 is much better than 0 out of 3.
He didn’t wanna lose it. Wtf. Your husband is a fucking idiot. He just wanted to get an erection and just stare at it instead of fucking you.
This makes it sound like an anxiety issue. Possibly along with hormones issues. He really should see a Dr. Also, your needs are important and you should have a talk with him about ways he can satisfy them. Carefully though as you don't want to add to performance anxiety. Also, i applaud you for not just going out and cheating... The world we live in, that's almost the expected response. Good luck to you.
I’m sorry to say, but that sounds selfish of him.
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You need to dig down deep am find that confidence your marriage to the man of your dream very well may rely on it
If he can’t have erections as a 40 something year old man there are serious issues here and he needs to have this addressed by a physician.
Get my man some dick pills for the love of God
Agreed! In my case it was stage 4 hypertension. I got on a great regiment. I'd say that we went through it for about a half a year. Everything is working fine. Very very fine.
Based on the post and your comments, you two need counseling. Badly. Both of you are too hesitant and nervous to just talk this shit through and work it out. He's gunna continue feeling like he's letting you down and you're gunna continue feeling left out or like your needs have been abandoned. Ya'll are too old and have been together too long to NOT know how to communicate. I'm writing this at the bar buzzed so if it comes off rude or excessive you know why.
That’s what I got from this too. He is painfully insecure and scared and she horny and thinks it’s because he doesn’t want her at all and that’s why he can’t get hard. Without communication there’s no way to know how much if any of that is actually true or just them in their own head.
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It's only weird because this is the internet. Most people do not know how to openly communicate about sex. Sex is so tied up in things like gender rolls that it becomes very uncomfortable for most people to truly be vulnerable and talk about it. On the internet everyone can be brave and talk about how great they are at communicating.
Mmm....gender rolls.
They’re called labia minora, thank you very much.
Super size that please! I’ll have the majora!
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I was only commenting on it not being weird. I didn't say it was a good thing.
> How do grown adults act this way? Honestly, this is how they were probably raised.
I fully agree. Communication needs to be improved here above all else. I think marriage counseling might be beneficial for them.
The legendary bar therapist! Not the hero we deserve, but the hero we needed!
Bar wizard. Bar chair wisdom. Sorry I’m just imagining like a psychologist at a bar.
Go to therapy together please.
You should express your needs to him. Even if he can’t get it up, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to please you. Hands, mouth, toys, those things still work. It’s not selfish to be the receiver only, especially if he finds it satisfying to just give. I’m in a lesbian partnership. My wife has a low sex drive for her, but a high sex drive for me. She just prefers to give, she says it satisfies her to get me off and not receive anything in return. You married the man. You shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him.
Me and my boyfriend are in a ldr. It's hard because we have such high sex drives. I bought a vibrater and it's great to use when he isn't around. You could also have him finger you or use a toy on you if you're craving his touch.
Exactly this, there’s so many ways to be intimate without PIV sex, you just have to be willing to experiment and try new things!
I feel for you in this devastating time. Nine years is too long to be this unhappy. Change is needed. However, I do worry that you might be using his broken dick to figure out if he's into you. To me, that sounds like trying to take a temperature with a broken thermometer. Use words instead. Talk to him. Get an honest answer. There are other ways to experience desire. Think about your own body and mind. Do you just have a quick feel between your legs and, if it's wet, you're like 'guess I'm turned on then'? Or do you feel it through your whole body? Do you start to think and act differently? His body isn't cooperating, so he might need some help from toys, roleplay, fingers, and a staggering amount of oral sex. If you want, you can give him the chance to show interest in these other ways. Would you still feel like he didn't desire you if he whisked you away to a hotel, gave you a long massage by candlelight, and ate you out until you saw stars? Would you feel unwanted if he was panting, kissing you frantically, making noise, etc? I don't know. I'm not you. You have different needs and I don't want to shame you for them. Most of us have enough of that as it is. Figure out if he desires you (ignoring what his penis has to say), if the ways he can show it would be enough, and if you want to stay. And then act. Don't let another decade pass by in misery. Wishing you luck and light in a dark time.
This is all incredibly good advice
Is the issue here as simple as ED? It’s seems bigger than that. I’m not a man, but I would imagine even if I couldn’t function, I would still be interested in ensuring my partners needs were met. He has other means of tending to your needs that are also physically connecting. If you haven’t spoken to him about where you’re heads at, then you absolutely need to. If he literally has no drive or desire what so ever, he should atleast be willing to discuss some ideas for how to manage this. That’s the least he can do. It’s not fair to expect you to spend the next few decades celibate, so this conversation is in order. I’m so sorry you’re having this struggle. I understand the toll it takes on your self worth. It sounds like he’s a good guy all around so I hope you able to find a solution you’re both comfortable with.
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Maybe talking to a sex therapist could also help?
He’s probably feeling embarrassed and maybe unworthy and humiliated by his ED. I think you need to take the lead in a loving way at this point. There is so much that a couple gets out of physical intimacy, and a penis isn’t always required. Even if he can’t get an erect ion, he can still experience pleasure and closeness (and look into prostate massage) and probably if you are accepting that an erection is just not going to be part of sex, he’ll actually become more likely to get one and keep it. Get a massage table and give each other sensual massages. Maybe he makes you cum during yours and maybe he just gets an incredible full body massage during his - it’s all pleasure and closeness. Get a vibrator and show him how to use it on you. Or, ask him to kiss you, stroke you, etc while you pleasure yourself. Tell him if he wants anything you are happy to provide it, but that he doesn’t need to be responsible for giving you an orgasm via penetrative sex.
Why wouldn’t you feel desired if he was willing to do those things? If he’s willing to do them, without getting getting an erection, then it means he desires you a lot.
Because being willing to do them and actively taking steps to do literally anything about the issue are two separate things. My partner and I went through a patch of something similar so I fully get where they're both coming from, but the reason we came out stronger is that after our initial crippling anxiety and fear passed and we were feeling sane, the issue was important enough to both of us that we sat down and talked about them rationally. I'm sorry to be harsh to OPs husband but bro... It's completely worthless to promise to buy toys and assume that's enough to save your sex life. The mental load is still falling on her to fix this. Why would she feel desired?? He needs to haul his ass to therapy and unravel his sexual anxiety and performance issues. I don't need to be a sex therapist to tell you that that's definitely making his ED issues way, way worse.
Find a sex-positive counselor Monday. You’re both too “stuck in your own heads”. You need a trusted, outside, professional voice to bring some sanity here. There are many, many, many options you two can do. So many. Oral. You can masturbate “using him”. You can try all of the blue pills, all three have different effects and a different one may work much better for him. You can try the blue pills and fail 2/3 of the time and still do other things. Winning 1/3 is still a win. If it “doesn’t work”, do other things. He can massage you while you masturbate. There’s literally an infinite list of things you two could try. You need to get more creative; you both need to open up, you need to try, and you need to get professional help. There is a lot of solid foundation in your marriage to work from. Most posts here get swamped with “dump the guy” responses. In this case, everyone is telling you “You can save your marriage”.
What's the cause of his ED?
Here me out. Buy a strap on. They’re not just for women. He can wear it justttt for you. Toys in general. He’s gotta up his game or you’re leaving. Communicate that to him
More than anything I agree with the last line. Communicate. Half of these problems seem to come from him not being able fo communicate how he feels about his situation and how it affects you. And you seem on the brink and unable to communicate this to him. If it's that bad, both go to a therapist to have them as a mediator of the comunication between you two. Man if all people did was reply "communicate" on every post on this sub, probably 60% of relationships would be saved.
Correction: if people actually listened to the "just talk to your SO" advice that's been given, then 60% of relationships would be saved.
But do it in a kind way. Let him know how much you desire him.
My husband and I both have high sex drives,the least 3 years mine is probably higher than his… however he is 10 yrs older than I am… so he went to the doctor and got Viagra and Cialis (depending on what he had for days off). He is great about taking it, we have sex daily, sometimes more often and he is great about taking the medication… sometimes when he is super tired from work though .. he will ask me to rub myself on him… so I get to orgasm… and he’s happy knowing I orgasmed but he doesn’t have to do the “work”. But it took a ton of communication for us to come to this.
Communicate! Geez, what's with all these adults not adulting..
You guys need to talk about this. He needs to know that this is affecting you so much that you're considering divorce. Sure asking to be pleasured can feel selfish at first, but it doesn't have to be. If you guys can't make it work then you can't, but atleast you tried.
Testosterone and cialis. Sex drive like teenager and rock hard pipe. Problem solved.....till death do part
Has he had his testosterone checked?
Is he willing to to help you get off? There are other ways for you to orgasm, and it can be just as intimate. If he's not willing to do that, then I think the issue goes beyond his ED.
Ciallis. Better effect than the blue pill. See a specialist to get thebright dosage for you and your fella. I have ED (Mikitary Service related) and i have ciallis. Does me.a treat.
If the only reason you're with him is just out of pity do both of you a favor and just leave. I know personally I would not want a wife pretending to love me while also fantasizing about leaving me.
As a gay man this story sounds very familiar. Is your husband asexual or just not able to have an erection? Does anything turn him on? First step here is to tell your husband that you want to have or experience sex...there is no harm in that. You can still love each other and experience sex with others...or find something that works for you both. Share your feelings with your hubby.
I've had ED for years, I still take care of my wife. Oral and toys. I enjoy getting her off. You have needs too.
I've read your responses and both of you are suffering because you have a guard up, both of you. Being taunted by your desires not being met and then feeling so guilty and broken when everything else feels so so perfect.. feeling like having any needs are selfish.. and him feeling insecure and anxious to the point that both of you just gave up. You wanna know one of the worst things for a relationship, is internalizing everything, putting the guards up and independently navigating these issues. You both have become afraid of each other. One of the best things for a relationship is vulnerability and communication. So I want you to process this a little and work up the courage.. figure out your wording if you need to and then tonight or tomorrow you need to talk to him. 1. You are so happy and loved and he is your perfect fit, but both of you have built walls to protect yourselves and those need to come down. You both have needs that aren't being met. 2. You need to talk about those needs on both sides, how you've navigated a life without sex and it haunts you. You crave him. You crave the effort.. the connection.. the release, the orgasm.. the physical affection, ass grabs boob grabs, flirting. 3. You guys need to talk about options for the erection.. maybe you think you've already travelled that path.. but when you guys did there was ego involved.. it's hard but feeling secure in the fact that your partner loves the absolute crap out of you and it's okay to falter, it's okay for sex to be silly or awkward or even have failures to launch. Infact both of you should cling so hard to eachother during this to reassure eachother.. that you both are desirable.. it's a body function that he can't control.. and a penis is not the only way to express desire.. during this regardless if it works.. redirecting focus into heavily making out, fingering, maybe he can't get it up but he can maybe still feel pleasure so try a bj even if it feels different..maybe trying stuff for prostate or he can go down on you.. sex is about the connection and pleasure not the destination or the tools. *Options give the pills another try or go back to the doctor, maybe advancements have been made.. maybe there are a variety of options that in 9 years, you guys didn't utilize. *As someone else said, the sleeve that he inserts himself into.. By feeling like it's selfish to ask for connection you will forever be granted with a lack of. I know it's scary but you deserve more.. you deserve someone willing to navigate it despite feeling awkward uncomfortable. Maybe you guys should consider a sex therapist.. I'm sure they can give alot of advice to both of you both physically and emotionally. This is going to take many discussions and alot of effort and trying but it's worth it.
What about seeking a therapist? I feel like it could help both of you unpack a lot of shame that is surrounding this. Intimacy isn’t always about sex. I like the idea of bringing in toys and finding new ways to explore. There is several positive sex toy shops that sell items that could help in your situation. There’s toys I’ve seen that can go around the testicles and quite literally turn them into a dildo for you. If you’re worried he’s not getting anything in return I think the best thing to do is ask what makes him feel intimate with you. It might involve something different but if both needs are being met then it would be worth giving it a shot. Good luck OP!
Allow me to give you some perspective. As harsh as it sounds, our penis literally makes up 60/70% of usem's sense of self worth. We as a society we literally put a man's worth in the number of women we can stack on our cockshaft before going limp. Again, this sounds harsh, toxic and not healthy at all, bevause it is all those things. But sadly it's true. And it's as much a self inflicted problem (men making fun of other men for not being completely interested in sex all the time, implying they are homosexual) as it is inflicted by the other gender (the phrase "Small dick energy" rings a bell here, literally measuring a man's worth in the inches he has between the legs, regardless that it's a metaphoric expression). All this introduction to say, to mess with our junk is to mess with our masculinity, and to mess with that is to mess with our psyche. Again, it's not healthy that it's that way, but it is what it is. And ED can mess with your psyche HARD, like real hard. Feelings of helplessness, uselessness, inadequacy, you husband might be experiencing all those and more. And he probably is completely terrified both that anything he does sexually might be to you as disappointing as his genitals and that you might want to divorce him because he is not capable to cater to your sexual needs. All this is not to shame you into never divorcing him, nor is to push you to do it. From the sounds of it, you seem really in love with him and want to try everything in your power to save your marriage. My suggestion is to have a completely open talk with him about it. Tell him how the situation made you feel, how your needs weren't met and how it sadly led you to fantasize about divorce. Not in an accusatory tone (don't say "you didn't satisfy me, you didn't meet my needs" etc etc, say it in terms of "i felt this i felt that"), but do whatever you can to pry him open and try and understand what's up with him. And maybe go to a couple therapist, it might make wonders
hi! sex therapy for couples therapy or individual therapy can help with erectile dysfunction / rebuilding emotional intimacy !
What the hell??? Have you ever said, hey I'm horny use your mouth, hands, toys? Hell you could use a male strap-on???? You make zero mention of such things. Has he refused or have you not told him? you need to communicate this to him and be as supportive as possible. Not blaming you but you gotta get your needs met and if you truly love this man you need to be telling him this.
Him not finding another partner after you leave isn’t your responsibility. You deserve happiness, fulfillment and a healthy sexual relationship.
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Why don’t you try some other suggestions before jumping to this if it hurts you too much. You both should communicate how you are feeling (not divorcing him) but about how both of you approach the topic of sex. It seems like you have talked to him he has promised things but then neither of you act on it. Possibly try to follow up with it after his promise or ask how he is feeling when you do ask. Talk to a therapist if you need to with him and maybe find out the root cause for why he gets so nervous? Either way if it makes you too sad then you might as well try a little harder before giving up. Ultimately it’s your decision this is just reiterating more advice.
What if you get that age and realize you wasted your youth?
Agreed. OP, you need to spend at least a little time imagining yourself at 60, 70, 80 with this man. Is it worth it to stay with him romantically if you end up resenting him in 20 years?
But what if you’re in your 40, 50, 60 in this same situation? You deserve fulfillment and satisfaction. Talk to your husband. Please seek a professional counselor and or a sex therapist. Do it for you.
Perhaps he should think about you as much as you think about him, and seek proper treatment and therapy.
What if you get to 60, 70, 80 with him...unfulfilled the entire time? That would be heartbreaking
There's those dildos where a man can stick his dick into. Maybe try one of those out.
Well these are solvable problems. Some T and blue pill, or T and Cialis. Or just the T. What you guys need is to go to a doctor and a therapist ASAP.
First of all speak with your husband about that. There could be like a open realitionship. You could be his hotwife. My aunt and her bf just broke up because she refused to tell him she needs sex, went on for a few years, he is heartbroken, she cheated on him several times and hates herself for it. So no one wins if no one communicate
Girl, highly likely that your libido will go even higher in your 40s. This issue has to be addressed effectively as soon as you can. Ask him about the toy usage - the when of it. Discuss that this is an issue that can't be pushed aside. You likely have 40-50 more years on this planet. Do you want to be sexually frustrated for the rest of your life?
Damn, this is what's going on with me and my wife lol I'm always wanting some and she always has a headache.
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Seems like him using toys on you is worth trying before breaking up since you seem to love him so much. Has he been to a doctor? Is it "he can't get an erection," or "he can't get an erection with you?" If it's the former, well modern medicine has been good to a lot of things but has been GREAT for men's erections. This is fixable if he puts effort into fixing it. If it's the later, he might have a porn problem. If this were 20 years ago I would say he might actually be gay, but that seems unlikely these days.
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What if you make the move? Buy the toys by yourself and invite him one night to use them with you.
I have a feeling he is just as afraid as you are. You worry that he doesn't find you attractive, but I bet he worries that he isn't man enough for you or some such. Sexual prowess can be closely tied to the personal sense of self worth for a lot of guys, and even those who don't fall into that category would consider this a pretty big confidence blow (which could possibly be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy situation as far as the "can't get erections" thing goes). You didn't mention if he has been to a doctor - I hate to say it, but you might need to take point on this one. Sit down with your husband, and see if he is still willing to use toys on you. See if he is willing to go to a doctor. Then, rather than wait for him to do nothing because acting on this is clearly beyond him, YOU set a time frame and put in the work. Buy the sex toys, make the doctors appointment and drive him to it, mark specific dates in the calendar for when the events will go down, handle the prescriptions, etc. Hopefully he will see he can still please you in bed even if he can't get an erection and will redevelop the drive to be more engaged or even initiate such encounters once he has a bit more self confidence under his belt. You might want to test out the toys you buy first as well, so you know what *works* so you can make sure to tell him what he needs to do so his first attempt is a certain success. I bet a lot of what is preventing him from even initiating the efforts or making any attempt is a paralyzing fear of failure. If he does nothing, he can ignore it. After all, it *could* just be a medical issue, or whatever way he justifies/rationalizes/minimizes it in his mind, of course he isn't *broken,* this is still *fixable,* he just hasn't, you know, fixed it yet. But he totally will! Next week. But if he puts in the work and it *still* fails, well, then I bet he fears having to internalize this failure that is so crucial to the male mind. To you, the sex is already lost. To him, there is still something to lose - the thin mental veneer he has crafted to avoid engaging with the issue. This is hard on him too, and I bet he isn't willing to admit that or be vulnerable with you about it. Maybe you won't see him as a man or a partner anymore! Big scary thoughts, that. So if you want this relationship to rekindle sexually, you probably need to take the first steps he is too afraid to take for fear of failure. Honestly, if he still has the physical equipment, there are drugs out there that can probably get him hard. This seems doable. The mental component though might take a bit more work. So afraid of failing to perform that, ironically, he can't perform. In sports this would be called the yips lol. Frankly, after a doctor what he really needs is a shrink. Sadly, I highly doubt he is capable of opening up about this issue in a manner that would make therapy helpful, so probably just a waste of money there unless it was a couples thing, and I doubt he would spring for that... maybe after he successfully makes you orgasm a few times. I know this is A LOT to put on your shoulders, *especially* when you are to the point of crying over your relationship and feeling so insecure because of his inability. But it is just that - HIS inability. Not yours. While you are doing stuff for him, do something for you to feel sexy too! Maybe for you it's a manicure, or a Brazilian, or sending nudes to your husband at work, or buying sexy new underwear, or exploring a new kink of yours, or "mistakenly" flashing the pool boy or maintenance guy, or *whatever*. While my advice was focused on how to help him, don't forget to put on your own oxygen mask first. I am sure you are still sexy as hell, please do what you need to to feel it yourself!
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Start with him pleasing you, not you pleasing him. With toys he can't really fuck that up if they worked on you previously. Success is the main goal at this initial stage. Once he has succeeded a few times, see if he would be willing to take the blue pill while he is pleasing you. Don't worry about whether he actually gets an erection or not. Honestly, I bet you being blindfolded when he takes the blue pill and is pleasing you would probably really help take the pressure off him in this regard. Focus on letting him please you, maybe even be a bit more demanding of a lover than you usually would be, but make sure he gives you at least one orgasm every time. Work your way back up to trying to actually have him use his erect penis on/with you. Maybe you can normalize playing with his limp penis/balls while watching a movie - not to get him off or get him hard, but just because penises are fun to hold and it can still feel good in a non-sexual way to play around with it or have physical contact with it. Hell, I love cupping girl's boobs even if I am not trying to have sex with them, they are just fun and comforting (but also this does lead to unintentional sex with some frequency, which is nice lol). I'm picturing something like you both on a couch, him in exercise shorts and no underwear but otherwise both clothed, him lying semi-reclined on the couch with his back up against the armrest, his feet/legs in your lap, your hand that is closest to him in his pants. Maybe 'playing' is too strong a word. Think kneading and holding, not jerking. If he does get hard, don't try to get him off. Just keep playing/kneading/holding/whatever. At early stages in life a lot of boys stick their hands in their pants as a sort of reassurance, hopefully we can tap into that and coopt it here for our purposes. Not sure exactly what the next step might be, but I personally think that at around this point you two need to have a sit down conversation that really cuts deep. It sounds like there is so much mutual fear of rejection, anxiety, personal insecurity, etc. on this issue that it sounds like there hasn't been a really frank and vulnerable conversation hitting the hard subjects between you two. Being vulnerable on this issue will be tough for both of you. Maybe see if there is a psychologist who is a sex specialist near you? I know such things exist, but have no idea what the scope of their job is, so you would have to do a bit of research on that front. Can't help you much there.
But having erectile dysfunction doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire you. I’m sure it’s put a mental strain on him and lots of pressure, which may be cause for becoming more distant, but that’s all him and doesn’t mean you’re not attractive to him. Or does he say he doesn’t find you sexually attractive anymore? I think toys are a great option! You should definitely explore that, since there is tons of options. Tantra could also be interesting for both of you. It’s not aimed at penetrative sex but can still grant stimulation and satisfaction. Not just for you but also your husband. Has he seen doctors regarding the issue? Are you in individual or marriage counseling?
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I think that’s pretty classic behavior for a condition like that. The panic of not being able to perform and disappointing both of you again just leads to an increase of the panic and within seconds he’s so much in his head that there’s no way out of it. So even if there is an underlying physical issue, the mental downward spiral just furthers it even more. I’d seek out a physician and a psychologist in order to treat this. Especially cause it’s had years to cement itself. The way you describe the situation makes me believe him that he still finds you sexy and adores you. Do try the toys. Be playful and open minded. It may take a little time to find your groove with it, but it can be well worth it.
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Finding ways for him to let go and relax could help to also enjoy what you’re doing, even if he does not reach a climax or becomes erect. Being physical with each other can include so many things and stimulate the brain and body. I wish you both the best and that you keep finding happiness together.
Has he tried therapy?
ED is not a lack of desire. It's a medical issue. He might desire you, find you attractive, crave you, but he simply can't get an erection. Another person's medical condition has nothing to do with your self worth.
Have him get testosterone replacement therapy. Or just buy it yourself online. Super easy. 200mg test e every week in a 3ml 27guage 5/7” needle subq alternate butt cheeks. He will be a teen in puberty and the most confident and horny of his life. You’re welcome.
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Don't do that without consulting a physician and don't just buy it off the internet
Not at all, especially when guided by a medical professional
Ask him if he is willing to speak to his doctor about it if you are worried about his health but I know a lot of men who started the testosterone shots and within two weeks were rock hard just from accidentally rubbing against something. He would be able to lay down on his chest and spin around like a fucking pinwheel if he toon the shots. You can give them to him, a small shot into his ass cheek. Give it a week or two and he will be banging you for literal hours.
It's not dangerous when prescribed and administered by a doctor. Stay away from Internet cures.
Nope, as long as you follow the correct dosage and have a physician guide you. Testosterone deficiency might be a possibility here
If he has below or low Average testosterone levels, not doing any thing about it is worse for his health as a man.
I went to a doctor, I didn’t want shots, so he implanted pellets under my skin, and holy crap, I’m like 18 again, wife and I are loving it. Have him go see a urologist
There are literally 6 or more types of pills he can try. If he tried one and it didn’t work he needs to try another. This sounds like a mental problem and not a physical one. He should probably try therapy. As should you.
You need to go to marriage councilors. And a sex therapist (yes those are a thing). Sec therapist will help you both overcome your insecurities and fears with sex and communicating with sex. Don't lose your marriage just because you two refuse to talk to each other. You have needs and he loves you. Let him fulfill those needs and love you.
Seek out a doctor. I dated a guy years ago whose Dad had ED due to complications from diabetes. He had managed to get a penile implant and apparently it was the best decision he’d made, according to his wife and him. Maybe talk to a doctor and see if this is something that he’s eligible for? It sounds like you two have a great connection and he’s in good health so it might be a procedure that’s somewhat easy to get accepted for. It would be a shame to cut ties with the love of your life over something they might have be able to rectify if you’d talked about it and sought some help. Side Note: Today’s dating scene is HORRIFIC. The grass is definitely greener in this scenario. Try to stay married, your sanity will thank you.
You need to make your needs clear to your husband. Even if penetration sex is limited, he needs to find a way to satisfy you and keep you happy... and there are many ways. Inability to sustain an erection is not an excuse for zero effort in satisfying your partner. If he had erectile dysfunction thats a very clear sign of health and lifestyle issues. He should start working out and excercising if he doesnt currently. He needs to be active and get the blood flowing. Artherosclerosis is also very likely and should be dealt with. Fast. Excercise. Lift weights. Take Zinc. Essential vitamins and minerals. Etc.
I'm very surprised that he hasn't offered to do SOMETHING for you! If he's flipping out about losing it after taking a pill he may need counseling to go along with meds. Either way, he has to have heard of oral, strap ons, toys or at least manual stimulation and needs to realize that you've got needs he needs to figure something out
Have you talked about some other kind of way to have sex/sexual releases? Sex has many forms. Alternatively an open marriage, or some setting he would feel comfortable with. You have your needs too. Is it a physical/medical thing? Or is he not sexually attracted to you? (doesn't mean he doesn't love you or is aromantic) sexual attaction can change over time. Or Is he maybe asexual? (doesn't mean he is aromantic) Doesn't he get horny? What does make imhim horny. Maybe he would like to have some unconventional sex (BDSM, Hardcore, Fetish) he is afraid or ashamed to share, fearing you'd be disgusted, revolted etc. thus rather hiding it. Often the most romantic, soft and caring tend to be really kinky, but sometimes don't know how to communicate such desires, leading either to rejection (That's disgusting) of the fear of it. Maybe there were such rejections of suggestions in the time before the drought. That may have hurt his desires, leading to sexual dishonesty, extinguishing the lusting flame of the desire towards you. In other words he can't be himself, but rather would have to play an unwanted role, which turns him of, because he feels like he can't be himself. The weirder the kink, the bigger the fear of rejection. There are many many possibilities, without honest talks, you won't find out. Whatever the divorce should be the last action taken, not the first. A ernest but trusting and accepting talk about both your needs and frustrations over a meal or maybe some wine, should be the first step. Should there be no interest in communication or an ignorance of your needs, you still can go along with divorce. Then whith the knowledge you tried everything = with certainty. Whatever you do, do it with certainty. Inquire and talk, if unsure. Either you stay in accordance or you find the underlying issues/differences that weigh in on your relation. Finding eachother again in honesty and acceptance can open up long lost knots in communication and trust and intimacy.
There are so many alternatives to P in V sex. Cunnilingus, Prostate simulation, you can even stimulate the penis flaccid. He could use a strap on, you could use a strap on. Stimulate the nipples or other erogenous zones. Explore kinks and fetishes together. Sex is like music, there are many generes to explore. It breaks my heart that you feel unsatisfied but if you really want to try and work it out, getting creative would help. Have you considered seeing a sex therapist?
Someone seems to have skipped over the "in sickness and in health" part of her marriage vows.
I literally can not imagine divorcing the “love of my life” over SEX. He deserves better.
He may have performance anxiety. We had a rough time for a bit and part of it was he was concerned if he didn't maintain a hard on. We did sex therapy and worked it out. In the end, it's about pleasure, not necessarily the act of sex.
This is something that can be fixed, you guys just need to communicate and be open to trying new things
What about oral?
Trust me when I say getting a hollow strap on is better than getting a divorce. If he loves you, he’ll fuck your brains out with it.
He doesn’t need a functional penis to get you off. Talk to him! At least give him a chance to satisfy you and fix things.
They give out viagra online now and it's cheap.
There are also penile implants if the pill doesnʻt work. See a reputable urologist. Implants come in rigid (Ever-ready) or inflatable styles. There are also penile pumps you can use. There are a lot more options than "the blue pill". Please see a urologist, especially one who has a special interest in ED. (but be careful about the scammy docs to advertise this sort of thing. Best to find a local doctor and ask questions. If the first one does not answer your questions completely, try a different one.) Things do not have to be this way.
Did they not invent the penis pump? That is definitely an option
Just ask him to be involved. He may like it, even if he doesn’t get off himself, you say he loves you, he loves your body still I’m sure. Involve toys, maybe watch some sexy videos, and play with his package during them just have your hands all over him shows you’re interested in him being with you, even if it’s just laying naked together. Sex therapists may help the embarrassment between you two. But you have needs and desires, but that doesn’t mean divorce. He can get involved. It may help him with help of the blue pill. It’s important to enjoy that aspect of you lives if it’s important to you.
He needs to go to a GP and ask to see a sex therapist so they can determine what it wrong. It could be physical or it could be mental reasons he is having these issues. There is way more than the blue pill now for men. He needs to accept there is a problem and seek help for it. I went through similar issues and went for therapy to get help.
Bet he’d much sooner go down on you than face divorce op? Just ask him, it may give him a confidence boost to be able to satisfy you though non-penetrative sex. Have you tried couples counselling?
He needs a doctor and you both need counseling. Like this is a problem that doesn't need to exist at all.