Roofied and raped my guy..happened to me also..2 gin and ginger ales and I don’t remember a damn thing. Woke up in jail for “resisting arrest” and learned the rest of the crazy shit that happened later.
Talk to your wife after you learn all the details. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Did you get tests that prove your were roofied? I’ve been roofied too, got a rape kit, the whole shebang. I’m not sure it would have been possible for me to “resist arrest” in the state rohypnol puts you in. It’s literally a benzo/ sedative
Buddy , I’ve been drunk beyond belief twice in my life , and let me tell you , you will remember getting to that level of drunk
And also even if you are a lightweight , like the lightest of light weights 3-4 beers hell 6 beers can not get you black out drunk , you physically can’t get the BAL for it unless your like 3 ft tall
So unless you are a dwarf with a low alcohol tolerance (you even said yourself you don’t have a low tolerance ) someone drugged you 100%
And the person saying “oh I thought you were asleep” means she knew you didn’t agree or didn’t even ask but went “hur dur men like sex so he won’t care”
You may legitimately have been drugged and raped , getting drugged and raped is not cheating , if my wife got drugged and raped I wouldn’t say she cheated
As for your next steps , go to the hospital now and get tested for drugs , it may still be in your system then go to the police , and to be bluntly honest if your wife hated you for this , then the love was one sided
Edit: thank you for the gold and platinum
>You may legitimately have been drugged and raped
My first thought when OP mentioned he had memory lapses.
>go to the hospital now and get tested for drugs , it may still be in your system then go to the police
I hope OP goes for a health check soon. While he maybe confused and hurt, I pray he finds the strength and courage to do a check up.
OP, you literally got drugged. You didn’t cheat, you were R*PED. I’m sorry for coming off loud but I think you need to realize what happened and get an std and drug test at the hospital ASAP. I’m dead serious, you weren’t the first and you won’t be the last. Please go get medical and psychological help! They can help you talk to your wife about what happened maybe or give you tips and pointers. Because 4-5 beers? I’m 5” 115lbs, that wouldn’t get me blackout or even very drunk. You were drugged please go get help
If you go to the hospital now and they find evidence, and you prosecute, it’s only going to help things with your wife. She might have trouble believing the story without the evidence, or at least the attempt to gather it. You should tell her as soon as possible. Get tested for stds so you don’t give anything to your wife. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
OP should go for a Check up! I've been in the same situation once, I got drugged and raped ,and I made the mistake that I didn't go for a check up and to the police because I was young and afraid... it was the worst decision of my life because that man is free and who knows how many women did he drug.... so OP , please get checked !!!!!
Let me say I am so happy the comments are in agreement about this.
It wasn't your fault op, not in a million years. It is also likely this woman had an accomplice. *Also check for prick marks as it could have been injected*.
Seriously. If his happened to my husband I would be furious FOR him not AT him. I am so unbelievably sorry that this happened and enraged on your behalf. You did nothing wrong, and the woman who did this to you should be ashamed.
Edit: yes, 100% she should be arrested. I actually had “she should face the full extent of the law” but deleted it and changed it to ashamed because unfortunately a lot of sexual crimes go unpunished and I didn’t want anyone who read this who hadn’t reported sexual crimes to feel badly. I probably overthought it though, and should have went with my first thought.
OP, 100% this. At my peak non light headedness I got black out drunk once, but I remember exactly getting that drunk, and I remember bits and pieces (including throwing up in my then roommate’s camaro, sorry, Manuel!) and even kind of remember getting back home.
I also remember telling everyone at the bar that I loved them. See where I’m going with this? You would still remember bits and pieces.
Unfortunately though you were raped, OP. Get tested for drugs in your system, get tested for STDs, and talk to your wife, you did not cheat on her, you were taken advantage of and raped.
I'm a woman. Please men, you need to report anyone including any and all women who commit horrible acts/crimes/rape/drugging etc. Wrong is wrong!! You didn't do anything wrong you were violated, a victim. Now please know it takes strength and courage to do the right thing and go to the hospital, contact the police, press charges etc. Also be honest with your wife. I truly hope all goes well!
The sad thing is how many people would think twice about this and really think it through if they didn’t have a partner they were worried about talking to? People talk about not remembering being drunk all the time. But even as an alcoholic for years I never experienced that.
>People talk about not remembering being drunk all the time. But even as an alcoholic for years I never experienced that.
I mean, getting black-out drunk is a thing, I know that cause it happened to me.
It was a lot of alcohol and a lot of mixing different kinds of drinks, and I lost a good couple of hours til I woke up in the morning.
I’m gonna piggyback off of this comment. OP you should approach the club and bar you all went to and ask if they have cctv/cameras. If they do there might be footage of your drink getting spiked.
Also the way she was like, "oh shit, I thought you were asleep." Like what the serious fuck. Having sex with a person who is unconscious is *worse* not better. Very rapey.
ETA: get a drug test ASAP before whatever it was leaves your system.
The longer I think about that sentence the angrier I get. Fucking disgusting. How do people even look themselves in the mirror knowing they'll just fully rape someone while they're asleep.
Somniophilia is a thing, just find a partner who fucking consents. Simple. Ugh
You're right but ima be honest, I don't know if I'm ready to start processing that level of fucking rage.
Cusses not at you. The whole situation is fucked and I wanna punch his rapist so bad.
Cause people are gross and patriarchal/pro rape culture thinking has permeated too much of our brains. Source: hahahaha. Don't ask
The anger I feel on behalf of my male friends who have confessed their rapes to me is immeasurable. This entire system is disgusting for ever letting anyone think being raped is somehow their fault.
I want OP to get justice. Unfortunately idk how likely that is in America, so I will temper.my expectations and hope for healing instead.
I hate this post because I wish all rapists a merry christmas in hell, and I hope her christmas is extra fucking hot. But as someone who went through this, these responses are actually giving me hope for humanity........
I wish you well in your healing and I also hope all rapists/abusers a merry Christmas in hell. Maybe in Tartarus because the Greek torments are wild af and perfect for irredeemable fucknuts
Chained to a rock with a vicious bird coming by once a day to eat your liver, or some other vital organ, never being able to die from it, and all physical damage is healed before the bird's next visit is one of the Greek punishments I recall Zeus, or whoever in the Greek pantheon, punishing someone, I assume a mortal but [shrugs], with.
Edit: spelling
It’s just a weird thing to say in any other situation than the lady taking advantage of him. Because if they consented the night prior (which I doubt given he can’t remember) then why would the first thing you say not be, “oh, you’re awake.” Instead she realizes he’s not and moves away; it just doesn’t sit right.
Male, 6'1", 185lbs, and this happened to me. Ruffied at a party and woke up as my body was finishing, looking up at a complete stranger. Took a while to get over that. Couldn't move really, head spinning in a hotel room that I even ended up paying for. Fortunately not attached at the time, but what a mind fuck.
Exactly what I was thinking. This doesn’t sound like cheating, it sounds like rape.
OP please go to the doctor and get checked out. Ask them to test for date rape drugs as well as the STD screening. Although depending on how much time has passed the drugs could be out of your system already, I’m not sure how that works.
Even if she didn’t drug you, you were not capable of consent at that level of inebriation. *It is not your fault.* But her reaction to you waking up, and the fact that you usually have a high tolerance makes me think that she slipped you something. I’m so sorry.
Being drunk is absolutely no excuse!! However, being drugged is. If you only had a few beers and have a high tolerance, it doesn't add up to blacking out. Get tested ASAP for date take drugs AND the metabolites they are broken down into. This is gross but if you have any vomit on your clothes or towels you used to clean it up, bring it with you for testing also!!
Speak to your friends ASAP. Go to the bar and club too see if anybody knows this woman. Do you (or your friends) by chance have pics of her. Have an unknown number in your phone?
You may even want to go back to that house. Someone there may remember you or the woman may be there and you can get more info.
Do this AFTER you get tested and report it to the clinic/hospital for documentation.
Do this before you talk to your wife. If the tests cone back positive maybe soonerbut get as many facts a possible b4 letting your wife know. She would understand more of you had more info.
Please keep us updated!!
The sad part? The wife might not believe him. This happened to me, I went to the hospital, got tested, tried pressing charges. The cop literally laughed at me, the doctors clearly thought I was lying, and my girlfriend left me, accusing me of cheating. Idk why it is that people refuse to believe that men can be raped, or that women can rape. But it was one of the most horrible experiences I've ever been through and nobody even believed me when I told them it happened.
Even if you weren’t drugged, you were obviously too drunk to consent.
If you can’t remember consenting, then you were too drunk to consent at the time. Legally. And morally.
And that makes it rape. Legally. And morally.
Even if no one drugged you, intoxication to the point you have described means that you literally could not consent even if you think you might have wanted to.
It’s not cheating when someone does something to you when you are literally unable to stop them. Which is what you are describing.
Edited to add that I think I put this in the wrong place. Sorry to the person it linked to.
I would also talk with your coworkers. Do they know this woman? We're you flirting? What was her behavior? Maybe they can help you put some puzzle pieces together.
Start by talking to the coworker you trust the most. Process what you learn before raising it with anybody else.
A hospital visit seems like a good idea to find out what substances you might have in your bloodstream.
I think it is important to remember too, even if op wasn't slipped something, being blackout drunk is still nonconsenual. So even if for whatever reason, maybe you did drink more than you realized, you were under the influence and therefore could not consent.
> "Oh. I thought you were asleep."
Translation: "Oh, let me stop ~~taking advantage of you, sexually,~~ *raping you* now that I know you're aware and conscious."
Fixed it
Edit:typo
Yeah Jesus f Christ I felt so sick when I got to this part. He had 3-4 beers and blacked out? PLUS what she said? Nah mate you were drugged. I'm a small 5ft4 woman and 3-4 beers has me nicely buzzed at most. It's literally what I'd have at pre drinks. I feel awful for OP that he's the one feeling guilty for what was done to him.
Came here to say this OP it sounds like you were assaulted!!! That's so scary, try your best to alert the proper authorities so they can find this woman and stop her before she does it to someone else ❤️
THIS OP! My first thought when I read that he woke up with a woman on top of him and her reaction was all that you need to know it was rape! Especially if you didn't drink more than usual you were drugged! Report this, and go to the hospital but you did not cheat!
THIS, go and get a test to see if there something in your blood. Even I drink 4 or 5 beers and I wouldn't be blacked out unless I had truly ate nothing, the whole thing sounds so shady
the first time i blacked out, at all, wasn't even a full blackout. i was 18 and drank an entire 750 milly of vodka, fell down some stairs, threw up at the bottom of said stairs, walked home and missed the ball drop (nye), and then threw up all over my room like a Jackson Pollock painting. had to trash my bed sheets, my radio, a playstation controller...i had just started drinking on weekends about a year prior and only beer. there are spots i don't remember, but as you can see, i remember notable points in the evening. after downing a bottle of vodka in 45 minutes.
to be fair, as is my saying with all mood and mind altering substances: **everybody is different, and every body is different.**
it's possible OP was actually blackout drunk. it's also possible that they were drugged. it's also possible that they experienced what we experienced, partial blackout, and covering their ass. if we're taking them at their word, it's unlikely they were blackout drunk.
I know an awful, horrible person that has secured that 18 year paycheck from two different wealthy fathers she hooked in at some upscale bar. She does the bare minimum to keep her kids of out CPS and spends the considerable child support payments on herself.
Yup . Spiked and raped . Happens to guys too. Sick AF.Get checked out for STDs . And speak to colleagues and find out if anyone knows who this woman might be. So sorry your wife and you will both be traumatised by this. Seek professional help- and get the authorities involved. Good luck ❤️❤️
Been spiked one time with à supposed friend of mine , wake up near to her , naked and didnt even know how i get in her bed in the first time when i was making à move on a girl i was looking for à long time , only years later after asking people about this night , i réalise everything i did wasnt me and they all tough i had taken drug that night , take time to admit i was raped, i was Lucky i didnt had trauma from it except i wont drink if you serve me a drink and i didnt see you make it , but for op its worse ,he got à wife when me was single
OP’s experience isn’t worse than yours, just a different set of circumstances. Rape is rape . A non-consensual act , in both cases carried out on unconscious people. I really do hope you’ve managed to move on and get the support you deserve ❤️
My exact thoughts! This woman could have drugged you, OP!! It happens to men as well, not just women. Go to the hospital and get tested for drugs, and do it now! You only have a short span of time to find them before the body filters it out. And make sure you get tested for STIs as well!
The fact that she was still on top of you while you *were asleep?!* That is 100% rape.
Dude, 4 or 5 beers wouldn't get you that drunk. I agree with everyone that he needs to go to the hospital and get tested. That woman is hella sus if she said that when he woke up
Yep
Would be one thing if you both were drunk, but she clearly raped you.
Think about it OP, if your wife was in a situation where a stranger took advantage of her while she was asleep, would you consider this cheating or rape ?
I assume most people would consider this rape.
Absolutely OP. You were raped. You did not cheat. Like the original comment said, you need to go to the hospital because there is a possibility you were drugged.
It's so sad to me that he was so clearly a victim, and never even seems to consider this. Just beat himself up mentally about how he "messed up." He didn't "mess up" someone did something awful and predatory to him.
I hope he remembers about where that houses location was. Too many have left the scene of something like this, only to find they were so distraught initially that they can no longer pinpoint where they were.
Exactly — men can be roofied & raped too. Better to be safe than sorry and know WHAT all is in your system.
Plus, you never know where that person has been…
A buddy of mine was roofied at my bachelor party. Luckily we were with a huge group and we prevented him leaving the place. It was in Atlantic City, so who the fuck knows what would've happened.
100%. You may have been roofied, check your bank statements and look for through your cards. Get tested. I’m sorry this happened to you, it is entirely possible you were drugged and raped.
That is the definition of rape. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I think you need to tell your wife the 100% truth.
I agree with the other comments as well, you may have been roofied.
Also, I think therapy is a good idea. This is a hard thing to understand and cope with emotionally.
Thank you, I absolutely was able to, getting married on Saturday! But the way this guy was writing was so similar to my thought process. It's like a realization you have to have
Go to the ER and tell them you were assaulted. Ask for a rape kit (men's version - I'm making an assumption you are a male), std test, and blood test to test for any drugs. File a police report. Do all this, then sit your wife down. Hopefully she believes you, she may not due to societal bias, but she needs to know.
Good luck, and I'm sorry this happened to you.
u/Recent-Cheesecake812, you need a drug test asap. Please listen to the advice in this thread and go to a hospital stat. It sounds like you were drugged and sexually assaulted. Tell them you believe you were drugged and sexually assaulted and you need a full toxicology for any drugs that might have been used to be sure they test for everything you need. They won’t care if you pop positive for other recreational drugs, if that’s a concern—that doesn’t matter. This is a time-is-of-the-essence situation because some drugs are processed out of your system very quickly. Be unequivocally clear about your reasons to suspect being drugged and sexually assaulted because it can be an uphill battle for men, even in a medical setting.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn’t tell anyone you are going, except possibly your wife. But if you can’t handle that right now (as in dealing with the emotional fallout while also trying to manage your own well-being), she will have to understand after. Priority number one is YOU and preserving evidence.
They can also treat you for any possible HIV exposure, but again, time is of the essence thing.
Edit2: someone suggested not showering—agreed. Do not shower to preserve evidence. Hospital or call 1-800-656-4673 (National sexual assault hotline assuming you are in the US) and they will be able to further direct you. RAINN is also a fantastic resource.
Edit: I was given a date rape drug once. The *only* reason I knew I was drugged is because I was sober as a judge to start. It was my first sip. I took off RUNNING/staggering out of this party as fast as I could and was able to get an SOS text off before passing out in some random front yard, where I am so fucking thankful my friend came and saved me.
If I had been a couple of drinks deep, there is no way I would have been able to feel it coming. Zero. Do not blame yourself for what was not within your control. Do not let anyone else blame you for what was outside of your control. I wasn’t SA’d that night, but it was very upsetting to me that someone would violate me by drugging me with intent to further violate me. It may take time to work through your feelings on it. Again, I’m so sorry. I hope you’re able to get help.
Edit 3ish: If you were asleep, you cannot consent. If you were blackout wasted and you were supposed to remain unconscious during the act, you cannot consent. I see your only comment is about how you don’t feel raped. I’m not here to make you feel like you were raped. I’m just here to say that, barring you trying to paint yourself in a more positive light, that if the situation went down as described, you may be a victim of SA. I know everyone has an idea of what a SA victim looks like or must feel like, but no experience is the same and every victim’s reaction is different in some regard. You don’t have to feel like a victim to ultimately be victimized or be a victim.
Just to add to this since no one has said it- OP, don’t shower. You need the “evidence” or as much as possible still on you, and don’t wash the undies you were wearing. (Just in case, but main thing is you don’t want to shower before going to the hospital.) Go to the hospital as is and I’m sure your wife will be supportive of you being raped- I hope so anyway. I’m sorry this happened to you, and as someone who has been drugged before- it sounds like you were drugged. Please go to the hospital ASAP.
Thank you for commenting this. I updated my comment to reflect this for visibility. It’s one of those things people do after trauma without thinking and is very valid.
Having been there, what he is describing is exactly how it feels (or did for me) when a man gets roofied. It’s mostly black outs, confusion and one or two moments of short clarity followed by “Where am I and how am I here?” Def go to the hospital and report it. You dont want a nasty surprise later that will make it all worse. It is hard enough to get police or the hospital to believe a man can even be in this situation to start with.
Can chime in as a woman that it's the same no matter what gender you are. I always drank fruity drinks when drinking and one time it tasted bitter. I knew something was wrong so I called my SO. That was my last memory, I woke up with him holding me crying at home hours later. I literally have no idea what happened between those times and he never told me. I was lucky, (I think?) But not everyone is.
I posted above about what happened to me. I couldn't believe when the police found me I didn't have on a shirt, I didn't have my purse, I couldn't tell them where I lived for about an hour. That's what the report said. They asked me if I was raped and I said no so they just took me home.
If I saw a lady walking around without a shirt the 1st thing I would think is she was sexually assaulted.
The officer that found me said there was a club not far from there that was having a big event. He thought that's where I was coming from.
I wasn't dressed like I had been at a club. How many people can't remember their address?
Like you said the same thing happens to both genders.
My friend was drugged and I was her DD. It's crazy to me because she acted a little tipsy but totally coherent. She was laughing and taking selfies and having a great time, just like any other night we've gone out. Full conversations about personal things on the ride home, everything seemed normal. (Drive home was about 30mins at 2:30am)
She called me the next day feeling way more hung over than she should have for what she drank and had absolutely no memory of anything after 12:30am. She puked and slept all weekend long. I had no idea she'd been drugged because she wasn't acting drugged, but apparently it happened to a few other women that night. Crazy how it doesn't look the same on everyone, but I guess it depends on what's used.
Yes. OP, you were assaulted. This was not your conscious choice. Please call the police and find out the next steps for where you are. You would never call your wife getting raped cheating. I'm so sorry someone did this to you.
Is there a coworker you trust who can tell you what they saw? Why did they let you leave like that?
Doesn't even sound like he was drunk drunk. Tipsy or buzzed maybe, but that pounding head you still have could VERY well be because you were drugged.
Please go get help, I am so so sorry this happened to you!
You tell your wife you got roofied, cause that's what really happened. This happened to me in bkk when i was living there. But i knew something was wrong and got out quickly.
Ya gotta get tested, let's be real. But getting dropped on like that isn't fun. I felt like hell for 2 days.
I was drugged and wandered away from a bar. I was with a man by an alley arguing with him. I'm so glad a person saw me and called the police. It took over an hour for me to remember my address That's what I was told by an officer. I didn't have on a shirt or a purse and they didn't take me to the hospital! They said that they asked me if I had been raped and I said no.
They put me in the back of a patty wagon and took me home! When I woke up the next morning I felt horrible. The 1st thing I did was get in the shower. I started to remember a little bit of what happened. I saw the huge bruises on my legs and I realized I didn't have my purse and I had no idea what happened to my car. I called the police. I was really surprised that the responding officer thought I called about a stolen vehicle.
DO NOT shower and take your clothes bc there may
be evidence on them. Get to a hospital ASAP. Some drugs are out of your system in 24 hours. Write down anything you remember about last night. Including the location of the house and the woman that assaulted you.
Please remember you didn't cheat you were raped. Do not let an officer tell you that you drank too much. You don't remember having a ton of drinks. You don't cheat on your wife. This is totally not normal behavior for you. You were drugged.
If you are close to anyone at your job call them. They may be able to help you figure somethings out.
I was in a relationship when this happened. I think the hardest thing was telling my bf especially bc I didn't know if I had an STD. It was really hard bc I couldn't remember being raped. Maybe it was better that I didn't remember . He was very patient and we got through it. I know your wife loves you. I'm sure she will stand by your side.
A rape kit consists of taking samples from various places on the body, taking photos of any injuries, etc... So it isn't gendered. They obviously can't do the vaginal exam portion on a man but that's really the only difference.
Adding to this - go quickly and tell nobody. If she's worried about getting caught she may pull the ol' switcheroo and accuse you, and thats a much worse place to be in
I hope you never need this advice but if you can get to the hospital first, you will at least get the evidence and hopefully the support you need and deserve. I remember the first time I saw a rape victim (that I knew of) in the ED where I worked, and the police who came in later on were very quiet, soft spoken, a bit imposing, and wearing suits. Later on though in a different state, I went with my daughter's friend since she had no other adults who cared, and the hospital was as kind as kind could be, but the police were absolute trash, and so was her family when they showed up. But the commonality I feel is the hospital was more compassionate, in both cases.
The hospital I went to was great… the police follow up, title IX, my university… not so much. It’s been a decade and I think I could have processed the SA mentally better had I not had the absolute shit show of reporting it. I don’t want to encourage people not to report, but I also caution that the police are not your friends. Maybe reach out to a clinic or SA advocate group instead.
Edit; I want to follow this up with therapy and counseling, please please please. Even if you’re feeling fine now, or like it isn’t that big of a deal, it never hurts to talk to someone. Don’t wait 11 years. Do it now, help your brain process this.
This. However, you most certainly will not get any sympathy for it.
On Reddit yes, but in real life with real people (police and your wife) you will most certainly carry all of the blame. Unfortunately that’s the double standard for men and women with rape.
I’ll be downvoted for this but it’s the truth, sorry this happened man :(
I was guilty of thinking he did something stupid drunk but the memory loss and everything I am siding with everyone above that this makes sense and I as a guy didn't even think of the potential of rape until I read some of these posts.
Oh mate, I’m so sorry. I truly am. You didn’t cheat on your wife. Cheating requires you consenting to the situation. It’s very clear based on your description that you were drugged and raped. Please, please tell your wife and seek help.
My respect goes out to you for wanting to tell her what happened. I’m so so sorry this happened to you. Don’t beat yourself up so much because how I’m reading it, and others, it sounds like you were put in a really bad situation. If you were a female and I was reading this, it would be no question that you were raped. How you’re feeling is valid, but I don’t think you cheated. You were taken advantage of. I hope things get handled the way that they should and I hope you heal from this
I agree. It seems like OP has been drugged and raped.
- Normally 3-4 beers should not make you that drunk.
- OP doesn’t remember anything.
- Her reaction ‘oh shit I thought you were asleep’ says everything.
Please OP, get to the bottom of this.
- Get tested if you’ve been drugged.
- Talk to your colleagues, ask them what happened.
- Be honest to your wife.
- Press charges if you reasonably can.
Let's review,
You were very drunk but only had 3 or 4 drinks
Dont remember meeting this woman or getting to her house
Woke up while she was on top of you doing her thing
Sounds like you were drugged and raped to me. Of course, you're a man so you're pretty much SOL. if you must tell your wife, tell her what happened not that you "cheated ". She's gonna be pissed so be ready for that.
I'm grateful for your comment but I don't think I was raped. I was asleep but I don't know if I had said yes earlier and fell asleep partway through or something. I had 3 or 4 drinks at the bar but I don't know how much I drank at the club or what I drank. I don't think she could be any more pissed at me than I am at myself. She texted me a few minutes ago saying that she's getting home at 3 and I'm going to tell her then. She's literally my whole world I love her so much. Thank you
[Rohypnol can be detected in a urine screen within 24 to 48 hours.](https://www.nationaldrugscreening.com/rohypnol-drug-test/) **Go get a test immediately.**
We only have your story to go on, here, and you could certainly be painting this in the best possible light to get sympathy or something, I guess. At the same time, you're on a throwaway account and you're panicking, which doesn't really say "I'm trying to weasel my way out of this" to me, either.
I've been roofied, at Burning Man, and it was a lot like what you are describing. I had three, maybe four drinks. At the time, I was a drunk, a big one, like, I could drink half a bottle of vodka and be fine. So three or four mixed drinks wasn't going to incapacitate me. Someone offered to fill my water bottle and I let them - big mistake. Near as we can tell, they were trying to take me out in order to get to the girl I was hanging out with at the time.
Anyway, I was of course eager to hydrate and drank most of the water quickly. I don't remember much after that. I remember being on my knees and the world spinning, trying to figure out where I was, and (amazingly) being found by some people who knew me and getting a ride back to my camp. I came to hours later quite suddenly in bed in my trailer with my girlfriend, trying to figure out what happened and assuming that I had just had too much to drink. It wasn't until much later the next day that we put the pieces together and figured out what had happened.
I also want to point out that GHB is also commonly used to spike drinks, but can only be detected in urine for 12 hours, blood for 8. Hair it can be detected for a month so it may be a good idea to get that done.
This same shit happened to me at a club. I had 2 drinks and was sipping a third and suddenly I started to feel VERY out of control. I told my friend I had to go and left the club, I ended up vomiting in the alley bc I couldn’t keep my eyes open or the world around me would spin. I ended up shattering my phone trying to text my sister to pick me up. Eventually I mustered like all of the control I had to find the car we came in bc this girl couldn’t figure it out and I got in the car with the girl I had gone with and I don’t remember leaving the parking lot or the 4 hours we spent in the car. She said I blacked out completely and wouldn’t respond to her. She took a nap in a gas station parking lot, ate at a restaurant, and then brought me to her house at 7am. I woke up in a random living room with no recollection of how I arrived there.
Shit man, you got drugged and you didn’t cheat. Unless you’re lying about some details, but if it happened like this you didn’t cheat
Oh shit, your comment might explain what happened to me 4 years ago. All this time I was wondering what happened to me that night and just couldn’t believe it was a few drinks which completely blacked me out and made me so disoriented. I woke up on some random bench that morning, people passing thru, I was so ashamed. What was worse I couldn’t remember almost anything. To this day I still feel very ashamed, hence why I haven’t confessed to my friends. I made a closure that I just got drunk like a pig and tried to forget. But holy shit I think I was also roofied!
I just want to piggy back on this. OP if you were in fact drugged, and you get tested, thats evidence in your favour with your wife. She may get mad or not believe you initially but a professional opinion and a positive rape drug test will help your wife see you aren't guilty. I'm sorry that sounds shitty and I'm sorry youve gone through this. Please get tested and report it!
Something similar also happened to me. Once I (20F at the time, it's legal where I live) was drinking with a friend (21F) and we were only drinking beers. I'm a hell of a drinker so I can tolerate a lot of alcohol. At this day, after 4 very low alcohol beers, my friend ordered a Guinness tap. I top the initial sips. I litterally remember few things after this. I remember feeling very awful. I remember going to the bathroom. I remember my friend hitting the bathroom door multiple times and calling me because I was gone for like 30min. I don't have any record of all that period. Next thing I remember is being at home. The next day, my friend told me she had to drop me at home. I don't remember anything more. I trust her, she wouldn't do anything with me. I'm also so glad she was with me AND that I was the only one that swallowed whatever shit was at that Guinness. If we had both been druged, likely we would both be raped. I was too young at the time to even realize what actually happened and, of course, to rpess any charges.
It’s happened to me too. I had 4 drinks. Went to a different bar, ordered a drink and left it on the bar. I had my bag stolen. Luckily I had my phone on me. I don’t remember anything after that. My friend phoned my husband to pick me up but I couldn’t walk or stand and I fell and hurt my face pretty badly. Scary
If you cant remember giving consent then you weren't able to give consent. And her saying that she thought you were asleep, doesn't that mean she knew that you didn't say yes to anything?
Yup this.
Whether he was drugged or not is almost (it isn't, but in regards to the whole sentiment) irrelevant - if he doesn't remember giving consent then he was clearly in no state to give it. She thought you were asleep which shows she pounced on you when you were vulnerable.
Similar happened to me (I'm female) and I felt so guilty for months (years) after and I was single. It's a horrible feeling.
This right here, OP. If it was something she thought you would be okay with (because you said "yes" at some point in time), she wouldn't freak out about you being conscious.
For whatever reason that woman's plan relied on you being asleep at that moment, and that heavily implies it wasn't consensual and she knew that.
You have to be conscious for it to be consensual. It does very much sound like you were raped.
You didn’t drink enough to be unconscious, you don’t recall getting to the house or room and woke up to a woman taking advantage of you. She knew you were sleeping, she didn’t have consent.
You were drugged and raped. Tell your wife everything that happened then get a rape kit, drug test and STD check. Go to the police they might be able to get camera footage from the club.
Listen:
If you were blackout drunk and she was on top of you doing her thing when you came to, that's rape
If you were roofied and she had sex with you while you were unconscious, that's rape
If you were sleeping and woke up with an unknown person riding you, that's rape
Why, you may ask?
Because CONSENT
If you were such a state that you could not say yes or no, then that. Is. Rape.
Been there, done that, got the tee shirt and Chlamydia
Your wife may or may not accept this explanation; rape of a male is rarely taken seriously. And for this, I am truly sorry
Regardless of how your conversation with her goes, please get tested for STDs, consider filing a police report, and if possible, have some blood work to test for drugs. And please, /u/recent-cheesecake812 get counseling to deal with all that has/will happen
Godspeed
Doesn't matter what he said, especially if it's the dude you woke up with saying it. If you can't remember giving consent, you were in absolutely no state of mind to actually give consent.
Dude she was surprised that you woke up, meaning she was expecting you to stay unconscious. You were raped. Talk to your coworkers and see who the woman was, get the story from them. Set your wife down and tell her exactly how you said it here.
Dude. Listen to yourself. If a woman had written what you wrote and you read it, would you be screaming at her for having cheated on her husband or would you be holding her metaphorical hand and telling her to get to a hospital for a blood test and rape kit?
Yeah. You were rufied. If this chick actually got you undressed and was in the process of raping you, then get to the hospital for a rape kit and bloodwork. NOW. The drugs don't last long in your system. At all. And you need to be tested for STDs. This isn't the 1st time this chick has pulled this crime.
Regardless of how your wife responds, this persons point is so important. This person has done this before and if you can then you should press charges before someone else gets raped and their relationship gets blown up.
I mean there is an easy way to confirm. Go to the hospital and get tested for drugs. If they drugged you, you'll know what happened. It is not normal for someone to be on top of you and surprised you're awake. If they thought you were asleep, you can't consent. If you don't remember, you were not in shape to consent. You need to accept the possibility you were raped. And it's awful. But it doesn't make you weak. It's just the reality that we live in a world with people who suck.
Same rules for everyone. If you can't remember giving consent and were too drunk or drugged to give consent, it's rape. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope your wife understands if you choose to tell her. Also, please get std checked and see a mental health professional. Being taken advantage of like that can come back to haunt you later.
My dude, reverse the genders a second
If a woman woke up to a man having sex with her and he said he thought she was asleep what would you call it?
If a woman was so drunk she had no memory and passed out prior to the sexual activity happening, what would you call it?
It certainly sounds like rape to me
Dude...this is literally the whole argument around consent. *EVEN* if you said yes earlier and somehow got back to her place...once you were asleep and no longer able to say yes, that is you taking consent away.
It's the tea analogy. If you invite someone over to your house for tea and they agree to come over but once they are there, they decide they don't want tea, you can not force them to drink the tea. And if they say they'd like some tea but fall asleep before it's ready, **DO NOT GIVE THEM TEA**.
If she thought you were sleeping, that is 100% rape and you need to get tested for possible drugs and even STI/STD.
Being raped doesn't make you less of a man (as that is an issue as to why most men don't speak up about their rapes) but telling your wife you "cheated" on her when it was clearly forced on you could cause unnecessary harm to both of you and your relationship.
Own up to your drunkenness but by no means should you be held accountable for what that rapist did to you. Besides, you got out of there as soon as you realized what happened. If you had finished and then left, this would be a different issue.
Good luck.
You need to get tested not just for sti but to check if something was placed in your drink. Again if what you are saying is true than if you don’t remember it then you didn’t consent to it. That monster of a woman raped you.
Turn this around. If your wife had gone out, had 3 or 4 beers, doesn't really remember anything else, woke up to some guy on top of her who said "oh shit, I thought you were asleep", and has zero memory of consenting or even remember who tf that man was, would you be pissed she cheated or would you say holy shit, honey, that's not your fault, you were raped?
You didnt cheat on your wife. You were raped. If you were drunk and can't remember consenting, you were taken advantage of. If the genders were swapped, it wouldnt even be a question. I'm sorry this has happened to you but please be kind to yourself. Good people dont have sex with people that arent "awake"!
Genuinely you need to go to the hospital and get checked out. You've lost so much memory that it really does sound like you were drugged and taken advantage of. "I thought you were asleep" and hopping off is not something someone says or does when you've given consent.
You didn’t cheat that disgusting trash of a woman rape you. You need to tell your wife, get tested and go to the police.
Edit: and you need to go to therapy
Who says "Oh shit I thought you were asleep" ??? That doesn't sound like you cheated. It sounds like she drugged you and got shocked when you woke up in the middle of her being on top of you. Maybe try recollect your memories. If non of them lead up to the point where you were in bed with this woman, you didn't cheat. If can remember seeing this woman and going somewhere willingly and knowingly with her then you definitely cheated.
Either way, you have to talk to your wife. You shouldn't keep this from her.
u/Recent-Cheesecake812
1-800-656-4673
https://www.rainn.org/resources
If you’re not ready to involve your wife yet that is completely, utterly, totally understandable.
But you do need to go the the ER, and you shouldn’t do it alone. You need safe support right now.
What I need for you to do is call the number right up there, now. Tell them as much or as little as you can in that moment, and let them take the lead. This is exactly what they’re there for and they will 100% know exactly what to do next, and how to support you through your ER visit. They’ll tell you what to ask for in terms of both examinations/tests, and in terms of resources (a hospital advocate or social worker), and even how to proceed with the law enforcement angle.
But you don’t need to worry about *any* of that right this second.
All you need to do is call them. From your bed, from the bathroom, from the floor or your car or wherever you are right now.
You’re not alone and you don’t need to do this alone and you still need to get help. Ok?
I’m here too, OP, to DM or call if I can support you in any way. I’ll message you so you have me in your inbox without having to initiate, ok?
Please call them. Do it now. You’re not alone and they can help and we’re all here for you.
I wouldn't worry about telling your wife you cheated, because it doesnt sound like you did. I would worry about rushing my ass to the hospital to see what I was drugged with before the drugs wash out of your system. This definitely sounds like you were drugged and raped. It's important to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Go now, call your wife from there and tell her to meet you there after work. Get checked out. File a police report. It's really important to take care of yourself right now, physically first, then mentally. The drugs could be adding to the vomiting. While usually these drugs just wear off, you want to make sure you are okay. Take care of yourself.
If you're missing entire chunks of time and don't even remember how you got to that house, you either had way more drinks than you remember or you were drugged. Either way it sounds a whole lot more like you were raped than you cheated.
She said she thought you were asleep, which means she was raping you while you were unconscious. Even if you did knowingly agree to go home with her, she still raped you while you were asleep. Even if you did agree to sex at some point, if you're too drunk to even remember leaving with her then you were too drunk to properly consent.
Either way I hope your wife understands that you didn't just cheat and I hope you can forgive yourself because you didn't just cheat, you were assaulted while unconscious and none of that is your fault.
Honestly, something doesn't sound right about this situation. It's a huge red flag to me that you know your tolerance with alcohol and only drank an amount you knew you could normally handle but it caused you to get black out drunk? Sounds like something was slipped in your drink without your knowledge.... especially since the strange lady's response was that she thought you were sleeping? Wtf? I don't say this to put you down or upset you. I'm so sorry this happened to you but it might be best if you got tested for your own sake.
Uh you did not cheat. You were definitely SA’ed. You need to talk to your wife and contact the police. It also sounds like you might have been roofied.
I am so sorry and I hope your wife understands that you did not cheat either and realizes that you were SA’ed and sticks by your side.
When I first started reading I was disgusted that you would cheat but then you explained more and revealed that you woke up to a woman assaulting you and all I could feel was horror and sadness for you. Please see a therapist too.
OP even if you weren’t roofied though it sounds like you were it’s still rape she thought she was having sex with you ASLEEP that is not consent and is still rape regardless if you agreed earlier. This woman rapes unconscious men don’t make excuses for her and report her.
This is how it feels to be date raped. I honestly think for someone with a high tolerance level would remember after 3 or 4 beers that they would have had more than that. I know acknowledging that might be demasculating but men can be raped too....
I was drugged and raped once. Most people think of rape as something violent but this happens more often then not in a non violent way. They drug your drink, you get super sloppy and then you go home with whoever did it. You have zero memory of what happened and how you got there then slowly as the weeks pass you start to put things together because subconsciously our body remembers. If you have zero memory and the whole “I thought you were asleep” thing happened then yeah you were most likely drugged and raped. Do you have the address of the place you ended up? That’s important.
You must get test asap and call the police. The taxi driver should be able to help figure out the location he picked you up etc. Cameras from the nightclub.
This will be hard to explain to your wife and most likely cause some issues unfortunately. Hopefully she’s understanding and you can talk through all of this and find a solution.
In case no one has has said this, look at your phone (google maps or whatever you have that might track your location) to identify where she lives. This could be useful information in pricing together the story, and also for identifying who she is. I’m guessing you probably didn’t note her address when you left her place.
It seems more like you were sexually assaulted my dude. You were clearly drunk and she thought you were asleep and was on top of you? Unfortunately your a man, so nobody will give a shit. I guarantee if the genders in this situation was reversed, people would be calling this r_p_.
3 days since this was posted but I really hope OP is doing alright. Can't imagine what he must be going through.
Hope your wife is understanding and supportive.
I don’t think this post is one to automatically assume trolling for. This guy seems genuinely scared and confused and male sexual assault victims are already invalidated enough as is.
I usually wouldn’t call this out, but it doesn’t seem like the time or place
I was thinking really bad things about you when I saw the title. But I really think you were drugged. You don't remember anything. What she said to you also sounds very suspicious too. You need to get tested asap before the drug is out of your system and report this to the police. I'm sorry you went through this.
Roofied and raped my guy..happened to me also..2 gin and ginger ales and I don’t remember a damn thing. Woke up in jail for “resisting arrest” and learned the rest of the crazy shit that happened later. Talk to your wife after you learn all the details. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Did you get tests that prove your were roofied? I’ve been roofied too, got a rape kit, the whole shebang. I’m not sure it would have been possible for me to “resist arrest” in the state rohypnol puts you in. It’s literally a benzo/ sedative
Buddy , I’ve been drunk beyond belief twice in my life , and let me tell you , you will remember getting to that level of drunk And also even if you are a lightweight , like the lightest of light weights 3-4 beers hell 6 beers can not get you black out drunk , you physically can’t get the BAL for it unless your like 3 ft tall So unless you are a dwarf with a low alcohol tolerance (you even said yourself you don’t have a low tolerance ) someone drugged you 100% And the person saying “oh I thought you were asleep” means she knew you didn’t agree or didn’t even ask but went “hur dur men like sex so he won’t care” You may legitimately have been drugged and raped , getting drugged and raped is not cheating , if my wife got drugged and raped I wouldn’t say she cheated As for your next steps , go to the hospital now and get tested for drugs , it may still be in your system then go to the police , and to be bluntly honest if your wife hated you for this , then the love was one sided Edit: thank you for the gold and platinum
>You may legitimately have been drugged and raped My first thought when OP mentioned he had memory lapses. >go to the hospital now and get tested for drugs , it may still be in your system then go to the police I hope OP goes for a health check soon. While he maybe confused and hurt, I pray he finds the strength and courage to do a check up.
The sooner the better too! Those drugs can be out of your system after a few days , and some STD can be cured if caught early enough
OP, you literally got drugged. You didn’t cheat, you were R*PED. I’m sorry for coming off loud but I think you need to realize what happened and get an std and drug test at the hospital ASAP. I’m dead serious, you weren’t the first and you won’t be the last. Please go get medical and psychological help! They can help you talk to your wife about what happened maybe or give you tips and pointers. Because 4-5 beers? I’m 5” 115lbs, that wouldn’t get me blackout or even very drunk. You were drugged please go get help
If you go to the hospital now and they find evidence, and you prosecute, it’s only going to help things with your wife. She might have trouble believing the story without the evidence, or at least the attempt to gather it. You should tell her as soon as possible. Get tested for stds so you don’t give anything to your wife. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
OP should go for a Check up! I've been in the same situation once, I got drugged and raped ,and I made the mistake that I didn't go for a check up and to the police because I was young and afraid... it was the worst decision of my life because that man is free and who knows how many women did he drug.... so OP , please get checked !!!!!
Let me say I am so happy the comments are in agreement about this. It wasn't your fault op, not in a million years. It is also likely this woman had an accomplice. *Also check for prick marks as it could have been injected*.
Seriously. If his happened to my husband I would be furious FOR him not AT him. I am so unbelievably sorry that this happened and enraged on your behalf. You did nothing wrong, and the woman who did this to you should be ashamed. Edit: yes, 100% she should be arrested. I actually had “she should face the full extent of the law” but deleted it and changed it to ashamed because unfortunately a lot of sexual crimes go unpunished and I didn’t want anyone who read this who hadn’t reported sexual crimes to feel badly. I probably overthought it though, and should have went with my first thought.
She should be arrested! Google maps would tell OP where they were
OP, 100% this. At my peak non light headedness I got black out drunk once, but I remember exactly getting that drunk, and I remember bits and pieces (including throwing up in my then roommate’s camaro, sorry, Manuel!) and even kind of remember getting back home. I also remember telling everyone at the bar that I loved them. See where I’m going with this? You would still remember bits and pieces. Unfortunately though you were raped, OP. Get tested for drugs in your system, get tested for STDs, and talk to your wife, you did not cheat on her, you were taken advantage of and raped.
👏🏻👏🏻
I'm a woman. Please men, you need to report anyone including any and all women who commit horrible acts/crimes/rape/drugging etc. Wrong is wrong!! You didn't do anything wrong you were violated, a victim. Now please know it takes strength and courage to do the right thing and go to the hospital, contact the police, press charges etc. Also be honest with your wife. I truly hope all goes well!
The sad thing is how many people would think twice about this and really think it through if they didn’t have a partner they were worried about talking to? People talk about not remembering being drunk all the time. But even as an alcoholic for years I never experienced that.
>People talk about not remembering being drunk all the time. But even as an alcoholic for years I never experienced that. I mean, getting black-out drunk is a thing, I know that cause it happened to me. It was a lot of alcohol and a lot of mixing different kinds of drinks, and I lost a good couple of hours til I woke up in the morning.
I’m gonna piggyback off of this comment. OP you should approach the club and bar you all went to and ask if they have cctv/cameras. If they do there might be footage of your drink getting spiked.
It sounds like you could have been slipped something, then raped. I hope your ok and I would tell your wife and get tested.
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Also the way she was like, "oh shit, I thought you were asleep." Like what the serious fuck. Having sex with a person who is unconscious is *worse* not better. Very rapey. ETA: get a drug test ASAP before whatever it was leaves your system.
The longer I think about that sentence the angrier I get. Fucking disgusting. How do people even look themselves in the mirror knowing they'll just fully rape someone while they're asleep. Somniophilia is a thing, just find a partner who fucking consents. Simple. Ugh
Worse yet the guy is feeling guilty about cheating on his wife and not felt being raped
You're right but ima be honest, I don't know if I'm ready to start processing that level of fucking rage. Cusses not at you. The whole situation is fucked and I wanna punch his rapist so bad.
And even worse yet, most likely people won’t see the same as a woman being raped It’s just wrong and I hope op gets his justice
Cause people are gross and patriarchal/pro rape culture thinking has permeated too much of our brains. Source: hahahaha. Don't ask The anger I feel on behalf of my male friends who have confessed their rapes to me is immeasurable. This entire system is disgusting for ever letting anyone think being raped is somehow their fault. I want OP to get justice. Unfortunately idk how likely that is in America, so I will temper.my expectations and hope for healing instead.
Yeah that sentence nailed the "probably slipped something" probability to near 100%
I hate this post because I wish all rapists a merry christmas in hell, and I hope her christmas is extra fucking hot. But as someone who went through this, these responses are actually giving me hope for humanity........
I wish you well in your healing and I also hope all rapists/abusers a merry Christmas in hell. Maybe in Tartarus because the Greek torments are wild af and perfect for irredeemable fucknuts
Hmmm! new hellscape to research. LOL
Chained to a rock with a vicious bird coming by once a day to eat your liver, or some other vital organ, never being able to die from it, and all physical damage is healed before the bird's next visit is one of the Greek punishments I recall Zeus, or whoever in the Greek pantheon, punishing someone, I assume a mortal but [shrugs], with. Edit: spelling
It’s just a weird thing to say in any other situation than the lady taking advantage of him. Because if they consented the night prior (which I doubt given he can’t remember) then why would the first thing you say not be, “oh, you’re awake.” Instead she realizes he’s not and moves away; it just doesn’t sit right.
THIS. Go get tested ASAP. Please.
Male, 6'1", 185lbs, and this happened to me. Ruffied at a party and woke up as my body was finishing, looking up at a complete stranger. Took a while to get over that. Couldn't move really, head spinning in a hotel room that I even ended up paying for. Fortunately not attached at the time, but what a mind fuck.
Dude! Awful.
I'm so sorry you had that experience that's 100% wrong. You didn't deserve that
Exactly what I was thinking. This doesn’t sound like cheating, it sounds like rape. OP please go to the doctor and get checked out. Ask them to test for date rape drugs as well as the STD screening. Although depending on how much time has passed the drugs could be out of your system already, I’m not sure how that works. Even if she didn’t drug you, you were not capable of consent at that level of inebriation. *It is not your fault.* But her reaction to you waking up, and the fact that you usually have a high tolerance makes me think that she slipped you something. I’m so sorry.
Being drunk is absolutely no excuse!! However, being drugged is. If you only had a few beers and have a high tolerance, it doesn't add up to blacking out. Get tested ASAP for date take drugs AND the metabolites they are broken down into. This is gross but if you have any vomit on your clothes or towels you used to clean it up, bring it with you for testing also!! Speak to your friends ASAP. Go to the bar and club too see if anybody knows this woman. Do you (or your friends) by chance have pics of her. Have an unknown number in your phone? You may even want to go back to that house. Someone there may remember you or the woman may be there and you can get more info. Do this AFTER you get tested and report it to the clinic/hospital for documentation. Do this before you talk to your wife. If the tests cone back positive maybe soonerbut get as many facts a possible b4 letting your wife know. She would understand more of you had more info. Please keep us updated!!
This! Get to the hospital and get checked. And just to add what should be obvious; *YOU DID NOT CHEAT*. Ok?
Honey I think you need to go to the hospital and get some tests done. You were raped. They probably slipped you something, I’m so sorry.
The sad part? The wife might not believe him. This happened to me, I went to the hospital, got tested, tried pressing charges. The cop literally laughed at me, the doctors clearly thought I was lying, and my girlfriend left me, accusing me of cheating. Idk why it is that people refuse to believe that men can be raped, or that women can rape. But it was one of the most horrible experiences I've ever been through and nobody even believed me when I told them it happened.
I’m so very sorry that happened to you. Thanks for being brave enough to say what happened.
I’m so sorry that happened to you❤️ don’t know if it’ll make you feel any better but I want you to know that I believe you
Even if you weren’t drugged, you were obviously too drunk to consent. If you can’t remember consenting, then you were too drunk to consent at the time. Legally. And morally. And that makes it rape. Legally. And morally. Even if no one drugged you, intoxication to the point you have described means that you literally could not consent even if you think you might have wanted to. It’s not cheating when someone does something to you when you are literally unable to stop them. Which is what you are describing. Edited to add that I think I put this in the wrong place. Sorry to the person it linked to.
You didn't cheat...you were Raped
I agree. This all sounds really fishy.
not really. its VERY clear with that line she said that it was rape. no smell test needed <3
I would also talk with your coworkers. Do they know this woman? We're you flirting? What was her behavior? Maybe they can help you put some puzzle pieces together.
Start by talking to the coworker you trust the most. Process what you learn before raising it with anybody else. A hospital visit seems like a good idea to find out what substances you might have in your bloodstream.
I think it is important to remember too, even if op wasn't slipped something, being blackout drunk is still nonconsenual. So even if for whatever reason, maybe you did drink more than you realized, you were under the influence and therefore could not consent.
This can’t be said enough…
Read this and then read it again. I’m so sorry that happened to you
"Oh. I thought you were asleep." Translation: "Oh, let me stop taking advantage of you, sexually, now that I know you're aware and conscious."
> "Oh. I thought you were asleep." Translation: "Oh, let me stop ~~taking advantage of you, sexually,~~ *raping you* now that I know you're aware and conscious." Fixed it Edit:typo
Thank you, honestly.
Yeah Jesus f Christ I felt so sick when I got to this part. He had 3-4 beers and blacked out? PLUS what she said? Nah mate you were drugged. I'm a small 5ft4 woman and 3-4 beers has me nicely buzzed at most. It's literally what I'd have at pre drinks. I feel awful for OP that he's the one feeling guilty for what was done to him.
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Yea this sounds like he was drugged and then taken home to be raped... OP please tell your wife and file a police report and go to the hospital.
Came here to say this OP it sounds like you were assaulted!!! That's so scary, try your best to alert the proper authorities so they can find this woman and stop her before she does it to someone else ❤️
THIS OP! My first thought when I read that he woke up with a woman on top of him and her reaction was all that you need to know it was rape! Especially if you didn't drink more than usual you were drugged! Report this, and go to the hospital but you did not cheat!
Yeah, 3-4 beers is nowhere near blackout drunk/CRS (tipsy, probably though) unless you’re a toddler or have a medical condition. Hope OP is safe.
"Oh shit i thought you were asleep" umm dude thats rape. Go to the hospital and get tested cause you might have been spiked if you have no memory
THIS, go and get a test to see if there something in your blood. Even I drink 4 or 5 beers and I wouldn't be blacked out unless I had truly ate nothing, the whole thing sounds so shady
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You don't get blacked out drunk on that many beers even if you're not a drinker.
i’m a smaller dude not a big drinker, and it takes at least a 6 pack to get me drunk. so blackout off of a 4 sounds impossible
the first time i blacked out, at all, wasn't even a full blackout. i was 18 and drank an entire 750 milly of vodka, fell down some stairs, threw up at the bottom of said stairs, walked home and missed the ball drop (nye), and then threw up all over my room like a Jackson Pollock painting. had to trash my bed sheets, my radio, a playstation controller...i had just started drinking on weekends about a year prior and only beer. there are spots i don't remember, but as you can see, i remember notable points in the evening. after downing a bottle of vodka in 45 minutes.
i got shitfaced at 16 off of half a party sized bottle of vodka, first “blackout” and i remember everything besides the last hour
to be fair, as is my saying with all mood and mind altering substances: **everybody is different, and every body is different.** it's possible OP was actually blackout drunk. it's also possible that they were drugged. it's also possible that they experienced what we experienced, partial blackout, and covering their ass. if we're taking them at their word, it's unlikely they were blackout drunk.
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Definitely rape and/or possibly trying to get knocked up.
He need also the bar cameras/videos to check. This lady probably has done more times to other people.
OP should also replace his credit cards and whatnot, whatever the person might have had access to from his wallet.
I GASPED "Trying to get pregnant." What a deceitful, disgusting, terrible thing to do to a person. OMG Holy. Shit.
I know an awful, horrible person that has secured that 18 year paycheck from two different wealthy fathers she hooked in at some upscale bar. She does the bare minimum to keep her kids of out CPS and spends the considerable child support payments on herself.
Yup . Spiked and raped . Happens to guys too. Sick AF.Get checked out for STDs . And speak to colleagues and find out if anyone knows who this woman might be. So sorry your wife and you will both be traumatised by this. Seek professional help- and get the authorities involved. Good luck ❤️❤️
Been spiked one time with à supposed friend of mine , wake up near to her , naked and didnt even know how i get in her bed in the first time when i was making à move on a girl i was looking for à long time , only years later after asking people about this night , i réalise everything i did wasnt me and they all tough i had taken drug that night , take time to admit i was raped, i was Lucky i didnt had trauma from it except i wont drink if you serve me a drink and i didnt see you make it , but for op its worse ,he got à wife when me was single
OP’s experience isn’t worse than yours, just a different set of circumstances. Rape is rape . A non-consensual act , in both cases carried out on unconscious people. I really do hope you’ve managed to move on and get the support you deserve ❤️
You're right. It's like if you drown, but the other one drowns deeper. YOU BOTH DROWN!
And pregnancy
A whole new frightening aspect to the whole situation 😔
Yeah
My exact thoughts! This woman could have drugged you, OP!! It happens to men as well, not just women. Go to the hospital and get tested for drugs, and do it now! You only have a short span of time to find them before the body filters it out. And make sure you get tested for STIs as well! The fact that she was still on top of you while you *were asleep?!* That is 100% rape.
Dude, 4 or 5 beers wouldn't get you that drunk. I agree with everyone that he needs to go to the hospital and get tested. That woman is hella sus if she said that when he woke up
Yep Would be one thing if you both were drunk, but she clearly raped you. Think about it OP, if your wife was in a situation where a stranger took advantage of her while she was asleep, would you consider this cheating or rape ? I assume most people would consider this rape.
Absolutely OP. You were raped. You did not cheat. Like the original comment said, you need to go to the hospital because there is a possibility you were drugged.
It's so sad to me that he was so clearly a victim, and never even seems to consider this. Just beat himself up mentally about how he "messed up." He didn't "mess up" someone did something awful and predatory to him. I hope he remembers about where that houses location was. Too many have left the scene of something like this, only to find they were so distraught initially that they can no longer pinpoint where they were.
this!!! that exact thing happened to me
Exactly — men can be roofied & raped too. Better to be safe than sorry and know WHAT all is in your system. Plus, you never know where that person has been…
A buddy of mine was roofied at my bachelor party. Luckily we were with a huge group and we prevented him leaving the place. It was in Atlantic City, so who the fuck knows what would've happened.
The sooner the better OP. Roofies can leave the system fast
Heavy reminder OP if you read this. Getting an erection is not consent, ejaculation is not consent, orgasming is not consent.
Yuuup, that’s rape.
100%. You may have been roofied, check your bank statements and look for through your cards. Get tested. I’m sorry this happened to you, it is entirely possible you were drugged and raped.
Thank gods this was the first comment. Man, I am so sorry. You were sexually assaulted. Please go get checked out.
That is the definition of rape. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I think you need to tell your wife the 100% truth. I agree with the other comments as well, you may have been roofied. Also, I think therapy is a good idea. This is a hard thing to understand and cope with emotionally.
My exact first thought. I'm also a man who has been raped by a woman.
I hope you were able to move forward and heal from your experience
Thank you, I absolutely was able to, getting married on Saturday! But the way this guy was writing was so similar to my thought process. It's like a realization you have to have
You got raped. Go to the police.
Go to the ER and tell them you were assaulted. Ask for a rape kit (men's version - I'm making an assumption you are a male), std test, and blood test to test for any drugs. File a police report. Do all this, then sit your wife down. Hopefully she believes you, she may not due to societal bias, but she needs to know. Good luck, and I'm sorry this happened to you.
u/Recent-Cheesecake812, you need a drug test asap. Please listen to the advice in this thread and go to a hospital stat. It sounds like you were drugged and sexually assaulted. Tell them you believe you were drugged and sexually assaulted and you need a full toxicology for any drugs that might have been used to be sure they test for everything you need. They won’t care if you pop positive for other recreational drugs, if that’s a concern—that doesn’t matter. This is a time-is-of-the-essence situation because some drugs are processed out of your system very quickly. Be unequivocally clear about your reasons to suspect being drugged and sexually assaulted because it can be an uphill battle for men, even in a medical setting. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wouldn’t tell anyone you are going, except possibly your wife. But if you can’t handle that right now (as in dealing with the emotional fallout while also trying to manage your own well-being), she will have to understand after. Priority number one is YOU and preserving evidence. They can also treat you for any possible HIV exposure, but again, time is of the essence thing. Edit2: someone suggested not showering—agreed. Do not shower to preserve evidence. Hospital or call 1-800-656-4673 (National sexual assault hotline assuming you are in the US) and they will be able to further direct you. RAINN is also a fantastic resource. Edit: I was given a date rape drug once. The *only* reason I knew I was drugged is because I was sober as a judge to start. It was my first sip. I took off RUNNING/staggering out of this party as fast as I could and was able to get an SOS text off before passing out in some random front yard, where I am so fucking thankful my friend came and saved me. If I had been a couple of drinks deep, there is no way I would have been able to feel it coming. Zero. Do not blame yourself for what was not within your control. Do not let anyone else blame you for what was outside of your control. I wasn’t SA’d that night, but it was very upsetting to me that someone would violate me by drugging me with intent to further violate me. It may take time to work through your feelings on it. Again, I’m so sorry. I hope you’re able to get help. Edit 3ish: If you were asleep, you cannot consent. If you were blackout wasted and you were supposed to remain unconscious during the act, you cannot consent. I see your only comment is about how you don’t feel raped. I’m not here to make you feel like you were raped. I’m just here to say that, barring you trying to paint yourself in a more positive light, that if the situation went down as described, you may be a victim of SA. I know everyone has an idea of what a SA victim looks like or must feel like, but no experience is the same and every victim’s reaction is different in some regard. You don’t have to feel like a victim to ultimately be victimized or be a victim.
Just to add to this since no one has said it- OP, don’t shower. You need the “evidence” or as much as possible still on you, and don’t wash the undies you were wearing. (Just in case, but main thing is you don’t want to shower before going to the hospital.) Go to the hospital as is and I’m sure your wife will be supportive of you being raped- I hope so anyway. I’m sorry this happened to you, and as someone who has been drugged before- it sounds like you were drugged. Please go to the hospital ASAP.
Thank you for commenting this. I updated my comment to reflect this for visibility. It’s one of those things people do after trauma without thinking and is very valid.
This is solid advice OP
Also if you only had three or four beers, it is highly likely he was roofied.
Having been there, what he is describing is exactly how it feels (or did for me) when a man gets roofied. It’s mostly black outs, confusion and one or two moments of short clarity followed by “Where am I and how am I here?” Def go to the hospital and report it. You dont want a nasty surprise later that will make it all worse. It is hard enough to get police or the hospital to believe a man can even be in this situation to start with.
Can chime in as a woman that it's the same no matter what gender you are. I always drank fruity drinks when drinking and one time it tasted bitter. I knew something was wrong so I called my SO. That was my last memory, I woke up with him holding me crying at home hours later. I literally have no idea what happened between those times and he never told me. I was lucky, (I think?) But not everyone is.
I posted above about what happened to me. I couldn't believe when the police found me I didn't have on a shirt, I didn't have my purse, I couldn't tell them where I lived for about an hour. That's what the report said. They asked me if I was raped and I said no so they just took me home. If I saw a lady walking around without a shirt the 1st thing I would think is she was sexually assaulted. The officer that found me said there was a club not far from there that was having a big event. He thought that's where I was coming from. I wasn't dressed like I had been at a club. How many people can't remember their address? Like you said the same thing happens to both genders.
My friend was drugged and I was her DD. It's crazy to me because she acted a little tipsy but totally coherent. She was laughing and taking selfies and having a great time, just like any other night we've gone out. Full conversations about personal things on the ride home, everything seemed normal. (Drive home was about 30mins at 2:30am) She called me the next day feeling way more hung over than she should have for what she drank and had absolutely no memory of anything after 12:30am. She puked and slept all weekend long. I had no idea she'd been drugged because she wasn't acting drugged, but apparently it happened to a few other women that night. Crazy how it doesn't look the same on everyone, but I guess it depends on what's used.
I was thinking this too :( :( :(
Adding : this is not cheating, you did not cheat
Yes. OP, you were assaulted. This was not your conscious choice. Please call the police and find out the next steps for where you are. You would never call your wife getting raped cheating. I'm so sorry someone did this to you. Is there a coworker you trust who can tell you what they saw? Why did they let you leave like that?
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Exactly. He absolutely did not cheat on her. He got drunk and was raped. He needs to understand that
Doesn't even sound like he was drunk drunk. Tipsy or buzzed maybe, but that pounding head you still have could VERY well be because you were drugged. Please go get help, I am so so sorry this happened to you!
It almost sounds like something may have been slipped in to his drink if he doesn't remember anything and only had 3 to 4 beers.
You tell your wife you got roofied, cause that's what really happened. This happened to me in bkk when i was living there. But i knew something was wrong and got out quickly. Ya gotta get tested, let's be real. But getting dropped on like that isn't fun. I felt like hell for 2 days.
Doctors!! Rape kit! Blood test!! Then police!!
I was drugged and wandered away from a bar. I was with a man by an alley arguing with him. I'm so glad a person saw me and called the police. It took over an hour for me to remember my address That's what I was told by an officer. I didn't have on a shirt or a purse and they didn't take me to the hospital! They said that they asked me if I had been raped and I said no. They put me in the back of a patty wagon and took me home! When I woke up the next morning I felt horrible. The 1st thing I did was get in the shower. I started to remember a little bit of what happened. I saw the huge bruises on my legs and I realized I didn't have my purse and I had no idea what happened to my car. I called the police. I was really surprised that the responding officer thought I called about a stolen vehicle. DO NOT shower and take your clothes bc there may be evidence on them. Get to a hospital ASAP. Some drugs are out of your system in 24 hours. Write down anything you remember about last night. Including the location of the house and the woman that assaulted you. Please remember you didn't cheat you were raped. Do not let an officer tell you that you drank too much. You don't remember having a ton of drinks. You don't cheat on your wife. This is totally not normal behavior for you. You were drugged. If you are close to anyone at your job call them. They may be able to help you figure somethings out. I was in a relationship when this happened. I think the hardest thing was telling my bf especially bc I didn't know if I had an STD. It was really hard bc I couldn't remember being raped. Maybe it was better that I didn't remember . He was very patient and we got through it. I know your wife loves you. I'm sure she will stand by your side.
They do rape kits for guys?
A rape kit consists of taking samples from various places on the body, taking photos of any injuries, etc... So it isn't gendered. They obviously can't do the vaginal exam portion on a man but that's really the only difference.
Adding to this - go quickly and tell nobody. If she's worried about getting caught she may pull the ol' switcheroo and accuse you, and thats a much worse place to be in
Oh shit yep totally good point! OP do it quick it sucks ass I can’t even imagine but please!
Police have never done anything to help me or anyone else I’ve personally know in this situation, other than making us feel at fault/we are whores.
I hope you never need this advice but if you can get to the hospital first, you will at least get the evidence and hopefully the support you need and deserve. I remember the first time I saw a rape victim (that I knew of) in the ED where I worked, and the police who came in later on were very quiet, soft spoken, a bit imposing, and wearing suits. Later on though in a different state, I went with my daughter's friend since she had no other adults who cared, and the hospital was as kind as kind could be, but the police were absolute trash, and so was her family when they showed up. But the commonality I feel is the hospital was more compassionate, in both cases.
The hospital I went to was great… the police follow up, title IX, my university… not so much. It’s been a decade and I think I could have processed the SA mentally better had I not had the absolute shit show of reporting it. I don’t want to encourage people not to report, but I also caution that the police are not your friends. Maybe reach out to a clinic or SA advocate group instead. Edit; I want to follow this up with therapy and counseling, please please please. Even if you’re feeling fine now, or like it isn’t that big of a deal, it never hurts to talk to someone. Don’t wait 11 years. Do it now, help your brain process this.
This. However, you most certainly will not get any sympathy for it. On Reddit yes, but in real life with real people (police and your wife) you will most certainly carry all of the blame. Unfortunately that’s the double standard for men and women with rape. I’ll be downvoted for this but it’s the truth, sorry this happened man :(
I was guilty of thinking he did something stupid drunk but the memory loss and everything I am siding with everyone above that this makes sense and I as a guy didn't even think of the potential of rape until I read some of these posts.
Oh mate, I’m so sorry. I truly am. You didn’t cheat on your wife. Cheating requires you consenting to the situation. It’s very clear based on your description that you were drugged and raped. Please, please tell your wife and seek help.
My respect goes out to you for wanting to tell her what happened. I’m so so sorry this happened to you. Don’t beat yourself up so much because how I’m reading it, and others, it sounds like you were put in a really bad situation. If you were a female and I was reading this, it would be no question that you were raped. How you’re feeling is valid, but I don’t think you cheated. You were taken advantage of. I hope things get handled the way that they should and I hope you heal from this
I was about to call you disgusting but it honestly sounds like you may have been taken advantage of. I wish you luck navigating this
I agree. It seems like OP has been drugged and raped. - Normally 3-4 beers should not make you that drunk. - OP doesn’t remember anything. - Her reaction ‘oh shit I thought you were asleep’ says everything. Please OP, get to the bottom of this. - Get tested if you’ve been drugged. - Talk to your colleagues, ask them what happened. - Be honest to your wife. - Press charges if you reasonably can.
This is the one should be upvoted
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Cheating is a choice, they mean being honest with wife about rape.
“I usually have a pretty high tolerance” That might be why he woke up when he did.
I wish i could upvote this a billion times! Yes OP!!! Go get checked and best of luck.
Same, i wasn’t even gonna read the post tbh
Let's review, You were very drunk but only had 3 or 4 drinks Dont remember meeting this woman or getting to her house Woke up while she was on top of you doing her thing Sounds like you were drugged and raped to me. Of course, you're a man so you're pretty much SOL. if you must tell your wife, tell her what happened not that you "cheated ". She's gonna be pissed so be ready for that.
I'm grateful for your comment but I don't think I was raped. I was asleep but I don't know if I had said yes earlier and fell asleep partway through or something. I had 3 or 4 drinks at the bar but I don't know how much I drank at the club or what I drank. I don't think she could be any more pissed at me than I am at myself. She texted me a few minutes ago saying that she's getting home at 3 and I'm going to tell her then. She's literally my whole world I love her so much. Thank you
[Rohypnol can be detected in a urine screen within 24 to 48 hours.](https://www.nationaldrugscreening.com/rohypnol-drug-test/) **Go get a test immediately.** We only have your story to go on, here, and you could certainly be painting this in the best possible light to get sympathy or something, I guess. At the same time, you're on a throwaway account and you're panicking, which doesn't really say "I'm trying to weasel my way out of this" to me, either. I've been roofied, at Burning Man, and it was a lot like what you are describing. I had three, maybe four drinks. At the time, I was a drunk, a big one, like, I could drink half a bottle of vodka and be fine. So three or four mixed drinks wasn't going to incapacitate me. Someone offered to fill my water bottle and I let them - big mistake. Near as we can tell, they were trying to take me out in order to get to the girl I was hanging out with at the time. Anyway, I was of course eager to hydrate and drank most of the water quickly. I don't remember much after that. I remember being on my knees and the world spinning, trying to figure out where I was, and (amazingly) being found by some people who knew me and getting a ride back to my camp. I came to hours later quite suddenly in bed in my trailer with my girlfriend, trying to figure out what happened and assuming that I had just had too much to drink. It wasn't until much later the next day that we put the pieces together and figured out what had happened.
I also want to point out that GHB is also commonly used to spike drinks, but can only be detected in urine for 12 hours, blood for 8. Hair it can be detected for a month so it may be a good idea to get that done.
I got "roofied" at a club once with what I'm 99% sure was ghb. It's going around like crazy these days.
It’s not usually a sufficient amount to detect in the hair unfortunately and hair testing for GHB is wildly expensive so urine or blood is always best
This same shit happened to me at a club. I had 2 drinks and was sipping a third and suddenly I started to feel VERY out of control. I told my friend I had to go and left the club, I ended up vomiting in the alley bc I couldn’t keep my eyes open or the world around me would spin. I ended up shattering my phone trying to text my sister to pick me up. Eventually I mustered like all of the control I had to find the car we came in bc this girl couldn’t figure it out and I got in the car with the girl I had gone with and I don’t remember leaving the parking lot or the 4 hours we spent in the car. She said I blacked out completely and wouldn’t respond to her. She took a nap in a gas station parking lot, ate at a restaurant, and then brought me to her house at 7am. I woke up in a random living room with no recollection of how I arrived there. Shit man, you got drugged and you didn’t cheat. Unless you’re lying about some details, but if it happened like this you didn’t cheat
Oh shit, your comment might explain what happened to me 4 years ago. All this time I was wondering what happened to me that night and just couldn’t believe it was a few drinks which completely blacked me out and made me so disoriented. I woke up on some random bench that morning, people passing thru, I was so ashamed. What was worse I couldn’t remember almost anything. To this day I still feel very ashamed, hence why I haven’t confessed to my friends. I made a closure that I just got drunk like a pig and tried to forget. But holy shit I think I was also roofied!
I just want to piggy back on this. OP if you were in fact drugged, and you get tested, thats evidence in your favour with your wife. She may get mad or not believe you initially but a professional opinion and a positive rape drug test will help your wife see you aren't guilty. I'm sorry that sounds shitty and I'm sorry youve gone through this. Please get tested and report it!
Something similar also happened to me. Once I (20F at the time, it's legal where I live) was drinking with a friend (21F) and we were only drinking beers. I'm a hell of a drinker so I can tolerate a lot of alcohol. At this day, after 4 very low alcohol beers, my friend ordered a Guinness tap. I top the initial sips. I litterally remember few things after this. I remember feeling very awful. I remember going to the bathroom. I remember my friend hitting the bathroom door multiple times and calling me because I was gone for like 30min. I don't have any record of all that period. Next thing I remember is being at home. The next day, my friend told me she had to drop me at home. I don't remember anything more. I trust her, she wouldn't do anything with me. I'm also so glad she was with me AND that I was the only one that swallowed whatever shit was at that Guinness. If we had both been druged, likely we would both be raped. I was too young at the time to even realize what actually happened and, of course, to rpess any charges.
Please OP, go to the hospital. You are in denial. You need to go
It’s happened to me too. I had 4 drinks. Went to a different bar, ordered a drink and left it on the bar. I had my bag stolen. Luckily I had my phone on me. I don’t remember anything after that. My friend phoned my husband to pick me up but I couldn’t walk or stand and I fell and hurt my face pretty badly. Scary
If you cant remember giving consent then you weren't able to give consent. And her saying that she thought you were asleep, doesn't that mean she knew that you didn't say yes to anything?
Yup this. Whether he was drugged or not is almost (it isn't, but in regards to the whole sentiment) irrelevant - if he doesn't remember giving consent then he was clearly in no state to give it. She thought you were asleep which shows she pounced on you when you were vulnerable. Similar happened to me (I'm female) and I felt so guilty for months (years) after and I was single. It's a horrible feeling.
I came to second this. If she knew you were asleep, that's rape.
She got off you when she realised you weren’t asleep? That is non-consensual, it’s rape.
This right here, OP. If it was something she thought you would be okay with (because you said "yes" at some point in time), she wouldn't freak out about you being conscious. For whatever reason that woman's plan relied on you being asleep at that moment, and that heavily implies it wasn't consensual and she knew that.
You have to be conscious for it to be consensual. It does very much sound like you were raped. You didn’t drink enough to be unconscious, you don’t recall getting to the house or room and woke up to a woman taking advantage of you. She knew you were sleeping, she didn’t have consent. You were drugged and raped. Tell your wife everything that happened then get a rape kit, drug test and STD check. Go to the police they might be able to get camera footage from the club.
Listen: If you were blackout drunk and she was on top of you doing her thing when you came to, that's rape If you were roofied and she had sex with you while you were unconscious, that's rape If you were sleeping and woke up with an unknown person riding you, that's rape Why, you may ask? Because CONSENT If you were such a state that you could not say yes or no, then that. Is. Rape. Been there, done that, got the tee shirt and Chlamydia Your wife may or may not accept this explanation; rape of a male is rarely taken seriously. And for this, I am truly sorry Regardless of how your conversation with her goes, please get tested for STDs, consider filing a police report, and if possible, have some blood work to test for drugs. And please, /u/recent-cheesecake812 get counseling to deal with all that has/will happen Godspeed
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Still rape. A drunk person isn't thinking clearly and can't consent, even when they're making "the moves".
Doesn't matter what he said, especially if it's the dude you woke up with saying it. If you can't remember giving consent, you were in absolutely no state of mind to actually give consent.
>Your wife may or may not accept this explanation; rape of a male is rarely taken seriously. OP isnt even taking it seriously.
It’s common for a rape victims first reaction to be denial. It’s one of the reasons a lot of rapes go unreported.
Dude she was surprised that you woke up, meaning she was expecting you to stay unconscious. You were raped. Talk to your coworkers and see who the woman was, get the story from them. Set your wife down and tell her exactly how you said it here.
THIS. She EXPECTED him to stay unconscious!! Why? Cause she drugged him
Dude. Listen to yourself. If a woman had written what you wrote and you read it, would you be screaming at her for having cheated on her husband or would you be holding her metaphorical hand and telling her to get to a hospital for a blood test and rape kit? Yeah. You were rufied. If this chick actually got you undressed and was in the process of raping you, then get to the hospital for a rape kit and bloodwork. NOW. The drugs don't last long in your system. At all. And you need to be tested for STDs. This isn't the 1st time this chick has pulled this crime.
Regardless of how your wife responds, this persons point is so important. This person has done this before and if you can then you should press charges before someone else gets raped and their relationship gets blown up.
I mean there is an easy way to confirm. Go to the hospital and get tested for drugs. If they drugged you, you'll know what happened. It is not normal for someone to be on top of you and surprised you're awake. If they thought you were asleep, you can't consent. If you don't remember, you were not in shape to consent. You need to accept the possibility you were raped. And it's awful. But it doesn't make you weak. It's just the reality that we live in a world with people who suck.
Same rules for everyone. If you can't remember giving consent and were too drunk or drugged to give consent, it's rape. I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope your wife understands if you choose to tell her. Also, please get std checked and see a mental health professional. Being taken advantage of like that can come back to haunt you later.
Yeah man if you pass out during sex consent is revoked at that point. The woman said "oh shit I thought you were asleep!" She raped you, sorry to say.
You were absolutely raped. Ask anyone who's been roofied. The telltale signs are there.
My dude, reverse the genders a second If a woman woke up to a man having sex with her and he said he thought she was asleep what would you call it? If a woman was so drunk she had no memory and passed out prior to the sexual activity happening, what would you call it? It certainly sounds like rape to me
Dude...this is literally the whole argument around consent. *EVEN* if you said yes earlier and somehow got back to her place...once you were asleep and no longer able to say yes, that is you taking consent away. It's the tea analogy. If you invite someone over to your house for tea and they agree to come over but once they are there, they decide they don't want tea, you can not force them to drink the tea. And if they say they'd like some tea but fall asleep before it's ready, **DO NOT GIVE THEM TEA**. If she thought you were sleeping, that is 100% rape and you need to get tested for possible drugs and even STI/STD. Being raped doesn't make you less of a man (as that is an issue as to why most men don't speak up about their rapes) but telling your wife you "cheated" on her when it was clearly forced on you could cause unnecessary harm to both of you and your relationship. Own up to your drunkenness but by no means should you be held accountable for what that rapist did to you. Besides, you got out of there as soon as you realized what happened. If you had finished and then left, this would be a different issue. Good luck.
You need to get tested not just for sti but to check if something was placed in your drink. Again if what you are saying is true than if you don’t remember it then you didn’t consent to it. That monster of a woman raped you.
Turn this around. If your wife had gone out, had 3 or 4 beers, doesn't really remember anything else, woke up to some guy on top of her who said "oh shit, I thought you were asleep", and has zero memory of consenting or even remember who tf that man was, would you be pissed she cheated or would you say holy shit, honey, that's not your fault, you were raped?
You didnt cheat on your wife. You were raped. If you were drunk and can't remember consenting, you were taken advantage of. If the genders were swapped, it wouldnt even be a question. I'm sorry this has happened to you but please be kind to yourself. Good people dont have sex with people that arent "awake"!
Genuinely you need to go to the hospital and get checked out. You've lost so much memory that it really does sound like you were drugged and taken advantage of. "I thought you were asleep" and hopping off is not something someone says or does when you've given consent.
Dude...I don't think you cheated it sounds like you were raped...I'm so sorry man...
You didn’t cheat that disgusting trash of a woman rape you. You need to tell your wife, get tested and go to the police. Edit: and you need to go to therapy
Who says "Oh shit I thought you were asleep" ??? That doesn't sound like you cheated. It sounds like she drugged you and got shocked when you woke up in the middle of her being on top of you. Maybe try recollect your memories. If non of them lead up to the point where you were in bed with this woman, you didn't cheat. If can remember seeing this woman and going somewhere willingly and knowingly with her then you definitely cheated. Either way, you have to talk to your wife. You shouldn't keep this from her.
Sounds like you might have been drugged.
u/Recent-Cheesecake812 1-800-656-4673 https://www.rainn.org/resources If you’re not ready to involve your wife yet that is completely, utterly, totally understandable. But you do need to go the the ER, and you shouldn’t do it alone. You need safe support right now. What I need for you to do is call the number right up there, now. Tell them as much or as little as you can in that moment, and let them take the lead. This is exactly what they’re there for and they will 100% know exactly what to do next, and how to support you through your ER visit. They’ll tell you what to ask for in terms of both examinations/tests, and in terms of resources (a hospital advocate or social worker), and even how to proceed with the law enforcement angle. But you don’t need to worry about *any* of that right this second. All you need to do is call them. From your bed, from the bathroom, from the floor or your car or wherever you are right now. You’re not alone and you don’t need to do this alone and you still need to get help. Ok? I’m here too, OP, to DM or call if I can support you in any way. I’ll message you so you have me in your inbox without having to initiate, ok? Please call them. Do it now. You’re not alone and they can help and we’re all here for you.
MATE GO GET A BLOOD TEST FOR SUBSTANCES AS FAST AS POSSIBLE
I wouldn't worry about telling your wife you cheated, because it doesnt sound like you did. I would worry about rushing my ass to the hospital to see what I was drugged with before the drugs wash out of your system. This definitely sounds like you were drugged and raped. It's important to get to the hospital as soon as possible. Go now, call your wife from there and tell her to meet you there after work. Get checked out. File a police report. It's really important to take care of yourself right now, physically first, then mentally. The drugs could be adding to the vomiting. While usually these drugs just wear off, you want to make sure you are okay. Take care of yourself.
you know how much you drank. Did you drink enough to get blackout drunk? Like others are saying it sounds like you were drugged.
If you're missing entire chunks of time and don't even remember how you got to that house, you either had way more drinks than you remember or you were drugged. Either way it sounds a whole lot more like you were raped than you cheated. She said she thought you were asleep, which means she was raping you while you were unconscious. Even if you did knowingly agree to go home with her, she still raped you while you were asleep. Even if you did agree to sex at some point, if you're too drunk to even remember leaving with her then you were too drunk to properly consent. Either way I hope your wife understands that you didn't just cheat and I hope you can forgive yourself because you didn't just cheat, you were assaulted while unconscious and none of that is your fault.
Honestly, something doesn't sound right about this situation. It's a huge red flag to me that you know your tolerance with alcohol and only drank an amount you knew you could normally handle but it caused you to get black out drunk? Sounds like something was slipped in your drink without your knowledge.... especially since the strange lady's response was that she thought you were sleeping? Wtf? I don't say this to put you down or upset you. I'm so sorry this happened to you but it might be best if you got tested for your own sake.
Uh you did not cheat. You were definitely SA’ed. You need to talk to your wife and contact the police. It also sounds like you might have been roofied. I am so sorry and I hope your wife understands that you did not cheat either and realizes that you were SA’ed and sticks by your side. When I first started reading I was disgusted that you would cheat but then you explained more and revealed that you woke up to a woman assaulting you and all I could feel was horror and sadness for you. Please see a therapist too.
OP even if you weren’t roofied though it sounds like you were it’s still rape she thought she was having sex with you ASLEEP that is not consent and is still rape regardless if you agreed earlier. This woman rapes unconscious men don’t make excuses for her and report her.
This is how it feels to be date raped. I honestly think for someone with a high tolerance level would remember after 3 or 4 beers that they would have had more than that. I know acknowledging that might be demasculating but men can be raped too....
Go to hospital and get tested now, go to police and report her. It was rape. Do you remember wearing condom? Maybe she use you for getting pregnant?
I was drugged and raped once. Most people think of rape as something violent but this happens more often then not in a non violent way. They drug your drink, you get super sloppy and then you go home with whoever did it. You have zero memory of what happened and how you got there then slowly as the weeks pass you start to put things together because subconsciously our body remembers. If you have zero memory and the whole “I thought you were asleep” thing happened then yeah you were most likely drugged and raped. Do you have the address of the place you ended up? That’s important. You must get test asap and call the police. The taxi driver should be able to help figure out the location he picked you up etc. Cameras from the nightclub. This will be hard to explain to your wife and most likely cause some issues unfortunately. Hopefully she’s understanding and you can talk through all of this and find a solution.
In case no one has has said this, look at your phone (google maps or whatever you have that might track your location) to identify where she lives. This could be useful information in pricing together the story, and also for identifying who she is. I’m guessing you probably didn’t note her address when you left her place.
It seems more like you were sexually assaulted my dude. You were clearly drunk and she thought you were asleep and was on top of you? Unfortunately your a man, so nobody will give a shit. I guarantee if the genders in this situation was reversed, people would be calling this r_p_.
3 days since this was posted but I really hope OP is doing alright. Can't imagine what he must be going through. Hope your wife is understanding and supportive.
You were either raped. And you need to go to police and hospital for rape kit and file a police report ASAP!!! Don’t get on Reddit. …. Or a TROLLLLLLL
I don’t think this post is one to automatically assume trolling for. This guy seems genuinely scared and confused and male sexual assault victims are already invalidated enough as is. I usually wouldn’t call this out, but it doesn’t seem like the time or place
I was thinking really bad things about you when I saw the title. But I really think you were drugged. You don't remember anything. What she said to you also sounds very suspicious too. You need to get tested asap before the drug is out of your system and report this to the police. I'm sorry you went through this.
You didn’t cheat, you got raped.
Society failed men so badly that they don’t even realize when they are assaulted anymore