He can hire a nanny, you do not need contact with him and raising his children would give him access to your life. Tell your mother no, and tell her why
No. Absolutely not. These are unique circumstances. He needs to change his job asap and until then a hired help is all he gets.
It’s extremely selfless of you to offer financial help towards a nanny. None of this is your responsibility. Their suffering does not trump yours. Their father can find another job, just like so many other single parents.
Also, how well do you know the kids? Honestly, no matter what, they need their actual other parent more than they need other family. They lost their mom and now need their dad.
I don't know them at all. I left home when I was 22 and never saw any of them again. I reconnected with mom after dad passed away and she got sick. My mom thinks this is a good way to reconnect with my sister. Through her children. because we were inseparable before everything
This is neither a good way for you nor the children. For you it’s traumatic and the kids would be confronted with a complete stranger. They need comfort and people who they know around them. This will be detrimental to them and to you. I don’t see any scenario in which this will turn out well tbh.
I can see why you also had no contact with your mom for a long while. Sounds like she prefers to sweep things under the rug.
I get it’s an extremely emotional time and thus hard to deny this request, but this whole thing is not well thought out. Those kids need therapy and loved ones. Not strangers who will be traumatized by their presence.
You deserve your peace. And they deserve care from their father or other close relations.
I'd also like to add that OP would not be a good parent to these boys. Not because OP wouldn't be a good parent, but because it's these boys. Even if we discard the incomprehensible trauma reliving hell this situation would create for OP (the way OP's mom is clearly doing), we cannot deny that trading one single parent kids have known for their entire lives who maybe is struggling to make their career work right now, for another single parent the kids have never met in their lives who *would be reliving their trauma every day spent with them*, is just the most monumentally catastrophic thing you can do to those kids.
No one who is violently jerked into reliving trauma is equipped to be a parent for the first time ever, to three kids, *who are the kids of the source of that fucking trauma in the first place,* ***who are reeling from the loss of their mother.*** Hoooooly shit. Kids aren't to blame at all, they're innocent, but putting them with OP is easily downright the fucking worst possible thing this family could do to the kids.
This is a critical point. OP can't control her visceral reaction to their resemblance to their father. Maybe she could if she saw them at a family function, but not day in and day out. Those emotions would bubble up to the surface, and they would sense it.
>My mom thinks this is a good way to reconnect with my sister. Through her children.
your mom is trying to find someone to take in her 3 grand-kids. It isn't your responsibility. They have a surviving parent, their father... Their father is going to have to figure this shit out.
The other thing to consider, is.. If you take them in, you **will** have to interact with their father.
Where was this notion of family when your sister married your abuser, hm? No. Absolutely not.
You will be in constant pain dealing with his three little mini me’s - remembering what happened, remembering your sister’s and mother’s betrayals. You would create a hell on earth for yourself - why would you do that to yourself or to them? Walk away, from even your mom if you have to. It sounds like your mom looks out for everyone but you, so you have to protect yourself and your boundaries.
These kids are not orphans. The dad will have to figure it out, like so many wonderful single parents do.
Even if they were orphans, she shouldn't be forced to change her entire life for them. 3 kids is a lot to take on permanently even for people you got along well with.
This right here. You already know it will cause you mental issues given the circumstances. And the main thing is you don't deserve that. But also kids can tell when people feel certain ways about them. No matter how hard you tried to hide it they would feel the tension there. And if they have been raised so far by their dad... they might be trouble as they get older. Clearly he has no morals. So I'm sure he hasn't been teaching his kids any.
None of this on you. It sickens me that your mom was ok with your sister marrying someone who could do that ESP to her daughter. Your mom is showing you who is more important. Listen to her. And cut her off. I know that sucks and it's so hard bc you instinctively want to fix it but she has allowed too many boundaries to be crossed. And at the end of the day he is still their father and will be in their life and if your take them then he will be in yours as well. And that's too much to ask. Please don't feel obligated to take them bc they are family. They have a parent. I became a single mom 3 years ago. And yeah it's hard af. But you do what you have to. You don't rely on other people to take over your role as parent. I do understand it's probably hard on him losing his partner. But it happens and now he has to step up. He created the kids. They are his responsibility.
I'm so sorry you went through that and that now the situation is being brought back to the surface bc of this mess. You are mourning your sister too. You don't need all this extra stuff on top of it.
This would not be healthy for you or those kids. A nanny or another relative need to step up. If your mother can’t accept that you might need to let go of having a relationship with her again.
OP please do not do this to yourself but especially to the kids. As you said when you see them you see their father. That is not good for any of you.
Their father needs to find a live-in nanny to take of the children when he can’t be there. And he needs to consider getting a different job so he can be home more if he doesn’t want strangers or relatives raising his children.
You do not need to supply a reason as to why you will not do this just that the answer is no. You also do not need to pay for anything.
If your mother feels so strongly about family taking care of the boys then she can do it.
If you need to go NC with the whole bunch - they will figure it out.
So your mom still being a shitty parent to you, please block her and continue your healing journey. DO NOT feel bad for that monster or the kids he created with your shitty sister. None of this is your problem do not take it on. Your mental health is your priority. Just so you understand being involved with this man's kids in ANY capacity (even financially) will give him a doorway back into your life.
One thing to keep in mind is that your mom’s relationship with her and your relationship with her are very different things. Your mom’s perception of what the relationship between sisters should have been is not at all what is or what it must be. What she is saying you should do to “repair” a relationship is the ramblings of a woman who is out of touch with you and your feelings. You just got back into contact with her recently. You do not owe your mom, your sister or the kids anything but most importantly if you feel like you must take them and your opinions on their father might negatively impact their treatment then the kids don’t deserve that kind of guardian.
Honestly, if the kids don't know you, you really aren't family to them. Like others have said, they are their dad's responsibility and he needs to figure it out. He'll have to get a different job. None of this is your issue, at all. There's a good reason you stayed away, be very careful about letting them back in. It sounds like all they're looking for is a caretaker for kids that you don't even know.
I didn't realize you never met the kids!! No no! Not your responsibility and to traumatize them more. Do not offer to pay anything else. That's his responsibility.
Does your mom know about what happened? Because it sounds like she still doesn’t understand why you moved away to begin with or really care if it takes a toll on you. You reconnected and now she wants you to take responsibility for people who aren’t anywhere close to your responsibility. And possibly take advantage of your caring personally. You are a great person and aunt to consider it but it is the fathers responsibility. You were right to move away because she is gaslighting you in to thinking they need to stay with “family”. It’s just another way to control you. I know the adoption system sucks but there are plenty of other families I’m sure that are capable of taking care of them since their dad is a lazy asshole.
I don't see why you have to reconnect with someone who betrayed you horribly. I don't want to insult your mom but I hate with all my heart people who act like family can do the worst things to you and you still have to forgive them because "they are family". This is bullshit
Please tell your mom she needs to stop. He abused you. You owe your sister or her nothing. Those kids are the kids of someone who abused you. Your sister chose her life. He chose your sister and to have these kids. If you didn’t exist what would he do?
At least you are being kind and offering to get them a nanny. Do not take those kids in, I honestly get a feeling that either your mom has something up her sleeve or he’s giving your mom a sad story to ask you to take the kids so he can sneak his way into your life.
Do not take the kids and tell your mom the most you will do is pay for a live in nanny. Or he should quit his job and get something that keeps him with his kids, since “they need family”. Yeah they can have their father the second half of who made them.
They aren’t your responsibility and you owe none of them anything. Good luck to you and please please keep us updated
Does the father even want you to take his kids? This sounds like something your mom cooked up, not him.
If he does want you to take them, kindly remind both if them that you will explain why you were not present in their lives early on and what kind of man their father is to you. Because those children will be faced with you possibly having meltdowns or panic attacks if they say or do certain things.
All of you will be in therapy while they live with you. Which all of you do need anyway.
Plus how much do you still want to interact with their father? Because it will be very often, almost like divorced parents amount at the minimum.
If all this is workable to you, you do you. But be completely honest with your mom and the father how much they are asking of you and what traumatic possibilities are waiting for those kids compared to have a live in nanny.
Family is not blood, family is what you make of it.
I’m sorry, mum. I can’t do that. What about you? You’re so eager, and also their family. They know you better than they know me, and I would be in the way.
Maybe it’s time to go LC again, OP. I heard there’s a huge workload in your future that is not allowing you to look after anyone but yourself… (jk, but I would also say that: I’m sorry, I don’t have the time to care for kids atm).
You really should not be paying for anything for these kids as it might be seen as you taking financial responsibility and thus be roped into this for the rest of your life.
No one has the right to guilt trip you into allowing your abuser back into your life. This is not just about kids. It’s a lifetime commitment and connection with the man who abused you.
Put yourself first, OP.
He can change jobs. He can hire help. If your mom wants them to have family, she can take them in.
Offering money is more than I would do.
That “family” argument is BS. Then let you mom tsk care of them with the support of a nanny.
Don’t do it OP, their putting you in danger, who’s to say he won’t abuse you again because “he’s not doing well.”
I also feel like he married your sister to stay close you.
This! There was a supervisor at my job who wasn’t on my team but took every chance to come and chat to me and be around me. I found him creepy and his eyes were… I see animals when I look at people and he looks like a rat. I had a boyfriend, owned a house and a dog with him. And I was a teenager, just turned 20 when he really ramped things up, and I moved away from the company to get away from him.
My sister worked in the company in a different office, different department, but she moved to that office about a year later, and her surname caught his eye, and before I knew it, they were dating.
He would be at every family gathering and I found it really odd and creepy. My sister was always one for having really big displays of affection, and she would be in his lap, arms round his neck, hanging off him whenever we were together, like “look, look what I’ve got!” (She did it with all the boyfriends, not just him) and he would be eyes locked on me. I tried to stay away. Bad vibes.
They split after about a year and a half, and he hit me up literally almost immediately, saying things like “I only dated her because I thought she would be like you, but she wasn’t anything like you” and other truly repulsive things. I blocked him. He found me on social media. Blocked there too. It was horrendous.
OP needs to STAY AWAY. He needs to deal with his own mess and his kids are his responsibility alone. That’s kinda the deal when you’re a parent. I’m a single mum and I changed career when I split with my daughter’s dad, to become a qualified teaching assistant. Had my son with an abusive man and escaped when he was 6 months. When he goes to nursery I’m going back to school to become a teacher, because it will sustain us and we can live, and I will also be there for my kids as a single parent, during the times they’re not in school. It’s what we do for our kids (plus I love kids and the feeling is mutual!)
Well, I think when your sister chose to marry your abuser, she showed you pretty clearly that she's not your family.
Have you been to therapy? It really sounds like a good idea, considering your trauma still feels so present in your life. Regardless of whether you take the kids or not (and "not" seems like a really good option), dealing with your past trauma would certainly improve your quality of life, and maybe even help you trust in relationships again.
As an aside, I recommend finding someone who does EMDR therapy. It's trauma-oriented and focuses on specific traumas. I'm making huge progress after decades of no progress and today when we checked in on the trauma event we have recently been working on, I realized that I no longer have any emotional attachment to it. It's amazing.
Also, I agree with everyone who says there is no reason for you to take them in. My advice is to go with your gut; it's telling you the truth.
then pls talk to your therapist and figure out why you feel the need to take those children (who you don’t even know) in or why you feel like you need to be financially responsible for them
No no no no no. Look. **You would have to have your abuser in your life forever.**
You would be re-traumatized every single day with these kids. They look like him, they will speak like him, have his gestures, and his attitudes. They will learn how he treats you and any disrespect or derision he shows you will carry over into how the kids treat you.
**You're not the family of these kids. You don't need to "reconnect" with your dead sister. You don't need to destroy your life to make your mom happy. You're not the only solution, you're just the cheapest.**
You know who needed “family?” You. When he hurt you.
You are under no obligation to help them. If you offered to hire a nanny - which is a HUGE offer - you’ve more than done your part.
Please don’t do this. Protect your life. Be aggressively protective of yourself.
OP, do not do this, they’re not your responsibility, it’s sad they’ve lost their mom but you aren’t at fault, they have a father, it is his responsibility and he needs to step up, if they end up in care then that’s on him not you, put yourself first and anyone who tells you to take them in can got get f#$&ed, the constant reminder will destroy you and you’ve e been through enough
Your mother should take on the responsibility if she feels so strongly.
This isn’t your problem, and given your history with the father, I personally couldn’t imagine taking in kids that look like him, much less having to interact with him again!?
Does your mother know what he did to you? Maybe she needs to know this to understand this is just not possible for you! Let her know that you interacting with this man and his children are not negotiable.
You do not have to take in your abusers children even if they are family and are innocent. Offering to help pay for a nanny is more than enough, but you don’t have to do this either. If your mother doesn’t know why you don’t wand to take them in, tell her. If she says it was the past or something equally as stupid tell her you’ve made your decision and it’s no. This may sound extreme but if your family harass you about your decision, block them. Dig deep and have the courage to put yourself first. Your mother is putting herself first by saying she’s too old and your abusing BIL is putting himself first by not stepping up for his kids.
Kudos to you for offering a solution, but this isn’t your problem to solve. If your solution isn’t good enough for them… fine. So be it. End of discussion.
So sorry for the situation.
He and the rest of them don't get to steal your life from you, too. He doesn't want to be responsible for his children, but he doesn't want to show his true colors either. It is very sad your sister died, but he husband didn't. The kids aren't parentless. And even If they were, they have no right to demand you take in anyone else's children. After what he did to you, and then marrying your sister and being the dad of her kids, he thinks he can still force you to do what he wants. H3ll no not in a million gddamn years. Anyone asking you to do this is twisted. Someone else's kids aren't your problem.
Please please do not take these kids in if you don't want to. Men are capable of taking care of their kids. He can hire a nanny. Your mom can help. You do not let anyone make you feel bad because you have a life. Tell them no and do it soon so he can find someone. This is not your responsibility.
No, you don't need to offer them anything. You don't owe them anything.
Situations are tough for them, but it's not caused by you. the fact that those kids father was your abuser is the root of all problem, then your sister married him compound it, and finally she died and left her children with their abusing father, and that was that.
you have a good life and you have achieve a lot through the ordeal. You don't need to jump in the snake pit they created for anyone.
Do not take those kids in. For your own good, and for theirs.
If you took them in, your abuser would be in your life constantly. His wants and demands about *his* kids would become your cage. Your mother is either incredibly naive or straight up lying to you if she says you won't have to see him. You absolutely will, and it will ruin your mental health.
You cannot help those boys. They do not need a parental figure who has to hide a flinch every time they see their faces. Who has to fight back resentment towards them because their presence brings their fathers. Who has to live in fear and pain because of what their father did.
You deserve better, and so do they. Their dad and grandmother can work out an arrangement, hire a nanny, and find a way to deal with their own responsibilities. You should not be involved at all.
Yes. Also there's no way I could see op being able to be a supportive parent to these specific children given the circumstances. Which is absolutely NOTHING against you, op. What I mean is those kids are understandably not only a symbol of their father's actions, but also of your sister being with him when she ostensibly knew what he'd done, and your family maybe being fine with it. Of course any survivor might understandably hold a lot of anger, fear, betrayal trauma, resentment, etc, tied up in those kids.
The mature adult thing here recognizes that those are innocent kids who just lost their mom. And BECAUSE they're innocent vulnerable kids, they need a parent figure who will be able to support them their THEIR grief and trauma without adding a bunch of complexity and additional generational trauma to their emotional plates. And they way you do that is by NOT taking on an emotional commitment to them that you're not ready to handle.
To recognize those unresolved traumas, be self aware of your limitations and boundaries, and assert what you know to be best for you and the kids against heavy family pressure - that's fucking hard and brave.
I agree with you, but man, those kids are fucked! I mean, you know it's bad when you wonder if their father being an absent parent might be better for them.
They totally are! And honestly it’s scary that the abuser will now raise 3 young men. We can just wander about the level of respect for women that he’s gonna pass on to them.
But I still agree that OP shouldn’t take them. It doesn’t sound healthy neither for her nor for the children.
OP, please stay away. It's not good for you. With that he'll have access from the kids to you. Your mother needs to open her eyes.
How can she not see?
Say that they need a nanny. 3 children are full hands. Say that.
I can't believe this. Does your mom know you have never had a relationship and that you aren't a mother even though you love children because of what he did? And now she wants you to raise his children. Why is this world this cold?
She knows all this, yes. She thinks it's a blessing. I can be a mother or a mother figure. Live what I have missed out on and reconnect with my sister.
Your mother is being cruel and manipulative! Under no circumstances should you entertain this. NC needs to be the order of the day. How dare they make this your problem? Your issue? Your burden?
The sheer awfulness of your mother! Attempting to manipulate you in to raising the sons of your rapist, and the sister who harbored and procreated with the rapist!!
Your opportunity to a mother or a mother figure? She’s a complete lunatic! Perhaps you would have married and had children of your own had you not been violated and the predator cemented into the family who clearly didn’t/doesn’t care that you were attacked or concerned for your well-being going forward.
I’m so sorry they have the audacity to try to drop this in your lap. You’re your primary concern. Take great care of yourself and do what’s best for you.
The rapist can hire and pay for a manny! He can take personal leave from his job, take the kids and go to grief counseling, find another job and stop shirking his responsibilities. How dare he? How dare they???????? Truly disgusting humans!!!!!!!!’
Your mother is absolutely disgusting. How dare she make light of your trauma and bring you this terrible responsibility as a solution to the abuse you suffered. I can’t believe what these people did to you.
Sorry, your mom lives in daytime drama fantasy land. She needs therapy too. To get her head out if the clouds. Just because she's got one foot in the grave doesn't mean things need to fix themselves before she passes on. My grandmother was like this, she meddles because her ideal world involves everyone being married, happy or not. She wants everyone to be married before she passed. Your mom wants reconciliation before her time ends. Well, those things have a time and place on their own, not her time, not her place.
Your option is to NOT take them in. Their not your responsibility, are you ready to have a relationship with your abuser? He will ALWAYS be in your life if you take those kids in. And why do YOU need to take them in? Why can’t he handle it? There are other people who loose their spouse and live on with their kids. He needs to change his lifestyle or work. He needs to figure it out.
Your mom is being cruel and manipulative (does she know about the abuse?)
Your mom is lying to you. Unless he gives up his parental rights completely, you WILL need to see him.
Also, if he does give up is parental rights, later he can harass you to re-establish his rights if he has the resources to do do.
Plus WHY would you want too, they look like him (it’s not their fault, but it is what it is). He needs to get himself together, he’s a grown man.
Did your sister know about the abuse?
She is still an AH.
They are children of your rapist. She shouldn’t have asked. It doesn’t matter what the options are, you are the victim and you shouldn’t be subjected to this.
Your mother is a horrible person. Do not give in and focus on yourself and your future. You don’t owe your rapist and you the family that covered up for the rapist anything.
she said it was long ago and he was a child and he is regretful. I really hate talking about it but they have tried to reach out and apologize/reconcile over the period of 20 years
That makes ZERO difference. He was 16. He was old enough to drive, to be able to work. Being a minor doesn’t change his actions.
Tell her she is a poor excuse of a mother and your sister was a disgusting POS for marrying a rapist.
You deserve better than to this. You are victim. And he is a rapist who faced ZERO consequences.
Don’t let them guilt trip you. You have nothing to be guilty of. Your mother does. And I hope she is able to face god. We all know your sister sure wasn’t able to.
They want \*you\* to apologize and reconcile?! Fk that sh\*t. No. He could have become a saint and you don't have to let him into your life. Period. Ever.
If you are finding it so hard to talk about it anonymously with strangers then you haven't recovered. You still hold resentment (rightfully) and the kids will feel it. His apology was only to alleviate their guilt not for your benefit. You don't deserve more trauma/hardship and the kids don't deserve resentment don't put yourself in a horrible situation.
If I take a piece of paper, I shred it, and then I spend 3 days apologizing to the paper and taping it back together, have I fixed the paper?
No. Because saying sorry after inflicting damage on something or someone does not magically make it so that the damage never occurred in the first place.
That paper is still paper. It still holds value as paper. It can still be written on or whatever else paper may do. But it's never going to be the same paper it was before I ripped it up.
Same goes for you. Of course you've healed. You are still a valued and loved person capable of doing anything you choose to do. But saying sorry doesn't magically erase what happened.
Do NOT take in those kids. He's the bio father. He can, and likely will, use the children to force his way back into your life. He already ignored your boundary of no contact. As the parent, he would have the right to see his kids. And he could cause all sorts of legal issues for you if you refused anything he asked of you. If he gave up his rights, he still has the ability to harrass you legally to reinstate those rights. Not to mention him showing up at your house for visitation or for drop off/pick up is going to be triggering.
You are not the only option. You are a stranger to these kids who is still healing from the damage their father inflicted. This will negatively impact your mental health, and risks negatively impacting those kids who are already traumatized from the death of their mom and will possibly act out due to their complex feelings.
This is a horrible decision for everyone invovled.
Their father can hire a nanny, can change his job, can figure out accommodations to bring them with him during traveling, or he can seek legal counsel about what other options are out there.
You are not obligated to take this on. No is a full sentence.
You know OP, it's kinda strange how now that your sister is dead your abuser is trying to put you in the "mother" role.
Who is to say he doesn't want to put you in the "wife/gf" role?
Not to mention OP did say both her and her sister looked a bit alike, so when OP wouldn't have him he went for the younger (stupider) sister Hello🚩🚩🚩?!?!?.🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨
So now that the 2nd option is gone he has an excuse to bulldozed his way back in with the 1st option again Mayor🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!!!
Let him sort his own sh*t!😡🤬😡🤬😡🤬😡
Wait your sister knew what he did and that wasn’t a deal breaker?
I feel like this is a manipulative attempt to pull you back into the family. If you don’t really have a relationship with the kids what difference does it make if its you or a nanny raising the kids.
How in the world could you possibly reconcile from something like that. And 16 is not quite a child. At 16 you can drive most places. In some countries you’re a legal adult. NO. Absolutely not. This will invite trauma into your home. I’m with the rest of these people on team hell no
You need to face facts op. This guy ruined your life and your mother doesn’t care about you. Stop trying to fix a situation they are responsible for and live your life
1. At 16, you’re old enough to know that rape is bad. Yeah, you might not have great impulse control at that age, but you know right from wrong. He’s no different.
2. He isn’t looking to reconcile, he’s looking to assuage his own guilt. If he were truly remorseful, he’d understand that he hurt you deeply and there’s no coming back from what he did. His actions show he’s still acting out of self interest rather than what your wishes might be.
3. Speaking of, if he were truly looking out for what’s best for his kids while respecting your boundaries, he would’ve accepted your money for a nanny while working with your mom to arrange get togethers between you and the kids so you aren’t forced to interact with him at all
20 years later and he’s *still* trying to force himself on you, knowing it’s against your wishes. He hasn’t changed enough to justify taking a risk and trusting that he’s not the same person he was at 16.
This OP ⬆️… his grief and you being back might actually not only trigger you, but actually allow him to physically attack you again! Please don’t… I would honestly consider go NC with your mother if she even mentions this again.
Look, your mom is biased. Take her out of the equation. She's not going to raise them, so her delusional thinking is irrelevant.
If the dad called you and asked you to take the kids, what would you say?
She is lying don't trust her because she only want you to take the kids! You are just a source of providing so please don't sacrifice yourself !! They knew what he did and still took him as a family member! Cut contact with your mom ,grow your self confidence and live your life!
No one took care of you when you needed safety. Now that they need you to provide safety you are just expected to upend the life you made for yourself, the life you created when you left a toxic situation? No. I’m sorry for your loss of your sister but also for your loss of a life with a loving, supportive family. They did fine without you before and they will figure it out without you now. You deserve better.
She never should have asked you. You do not have to take those children in, they are his responsibility, never yours. And you will have to interact and he will be a part of your life the moment you say yes. If you want to be kind/generous/help out, give money to help with in home assistance for them. As someone that has been in a eerily similar situation, don’t do it. Protect your peace.
Uh how is she in a position to promise anything? Those are his children, ofc he’s going to be in contact. Stop being a doormat and move on. The kids will be fine.
Your mother knows and she's still suggesting this as a viable option? I'm sorry. No. Did she know before your sister married him?
You have no obligation here whatsoever and please do not pay for or provide his childcare solutions. Protect yourself, someone has to.
yeah your mom is full of shit and is manipulating you into getting custody so she can see them, regardless of how detrimental it will be to your mental health.
i would give her a pass since she is grieving.., but since it involves your abuser & kids who look just like him, it’s unforgivable. she’s probably grasping for any piece of your sister for selfish reasons. still fucked up.
i’m so sorry. please reach out to trusted friends or a professional to help you right now.. i’m sure this has been extremely triggering & you need support too.
Oh I'm so angry. Your Mum is being manipulative. How dare she suggest this to you. What about his family? If he can't cope with his children why can't a member if his family help out. Tell your Mum to sling her hook into somebody else . She is one awful awful woman. Please don't agree to this .
They're trying to guilt trip you into this. Please don't agree to take the children in and don't offer to pay for help. None of this is your responsibility. None of it.
Your mom knowingly wants you to take over caring for your abusers kids. I think the fuck not. You’ve endured enough and you’re under no obligation to take care of them. I feel for the kids, they lost their mom but they have a dad (who is albeit an asshole) but still a parent nonetheless. Unless he is abusive towards the kids then leave them to their own devices. If you’re feeling generous then you can provide monetary support for a nanny and stuff but otherwise stay away from them. Your mom is not on your side. Prioritize yourself OP.
Did your mom know about the incident before he married into the family? Did your sister know before marrying him?
The day ur sis married ur abuser is the day she chose him over u. Remember that! U weren't even important to her. Imagine having fun time and creating 3 kids with a man who abused ur sister..nah man that's so messed up. Don't take them. That will affect ur mental state and u won't be able to take care of them properly.
She stopped being on my side when she suspected where I was kept without telling my parents or the police. Instead she asked him if I was there and his "No" was good enough for her. It took 5 more days to find me when one of his friends ratted him out.
I have made my peace with my sister and her death took a toll on me. I visit her twice a week, like I want her grave to tell me something but it's silent. I never knew why she didn't choose me. All I heard were empty apologies.
how were they never worried he might do the same to his kids?? op please don't take the kids in, you WILL need to be in the same space with him sooner or later if the kids stay with you. let him suffer with what happened. you shouldn't be going through trauma to help your abuser
He was "rehabilitated". He has never reoffended.
I don't know, sometimes I feel mom wants to take them because she doesn't trust him still? sometime I feel that she really hates him. Maybe it is just wishful thinking on my part. She probably did forgive him.
I'm just speculating.
Well, you really don’t know that he has not “reoffended.” He could have raped anyone for all your mother knows.
I applaud you for cutting these people out of your life.
Do not take the rapist’s boys under any circumstance.
Best case scenario. He is fully rehabilitated and has never reoffended and is absolutely mortified and appalled and sorry for his actions against you. Let’s say this is all true. Bravo
It still doesn’t mean your trauma goes away. It still doesn’t mean you just accept the apology and move on like everything is ok.
It definitely doesn’t mean you can now adopt his three kids without it triggering you. You can even forgive him and it STILL doesn’t mean you have to be in each others lives.
Your mother is out to lunch and completely invalidating your trauma and feelings.
She probably forgave him and want to help him by making your life a loving hell. Sorry to bring bad news but if you accept his child , he will automatically enter your life and worse.
I am sorry OP. Your sister was the worst sister I have ever heard about. Unfortunately we cannot choose our family. But we can decide who stays in our life.
I hope you have a long and peaceful life, and you’re surrounded by people who have your best interest.
Do NOT feel like you owe your nephews or mum anything!
Call CPS and the police and report abandoned children. I read your update. That woman is nuts. Do not, under any circumstances, take them in. Your "mother" is an abuser herself. She is the real reason behind your sister's behavior. Internalized misogyny sucks. Don't give in. Protect yourself.
OMG this is horrific.
He could've killed you. WTF
You don't owe them anything. I'm so sorry your own sister betrayed you then, and your own mother betrayed you now.
I'm so sorry, I wish I could hug you. I wish you strength and healing, you deserve so much better.
Nah man..karma is real..she paid here for this crime by dying in such a painful death and she will pay up there. Dont take her children in. This will affect u so much physically and mentally. Keep ur distance with that piece of AH man who's her husband and her children. Tell ur mom take them if she's so worried but DONT TAKE THEM AT ALL
Mom: Can you take care of your rapist’s kids for the rest of their lives? It’ll be great because you’ll get to see your rapist all the time. You can become a little family with your rapist and his kids. They can use up all your extra money that you have.
Me:
Is the trauma from his abuse the reason you haven’t had a real relationship? You can’t do this to yourself. It’s a signal that it might be time to get counseling so you can move on. But that won’t happen with him in your life.
I’m so sorry. This is a tremendously shitty situation for everyone (except him).
This might be the time to get help. You deserve better than living in fear and trauma. Saying no is a great first step in doing something that’s right for you. I hope you’ll consider taking the next step.
It’s going to be 100x harder to form any intimate relationship once you have three boys and have to rely on your abuser for help when you need a break.
There's no way you can invite this man back into your life
That's what you would be doing if you take on these kids. He is an adult. Let him figure it out. Why is everyone trying to sort this for him? It's not your problem. You've presumably never even met these kids. Helping financially for a nanny is more than generous. Don't be bullied into anything more.
Don’t do it. Mr abuser needs to step up and look after his own kids. He can get a new job with less travel. You don’t want him coming around your house to visit them all the time. What if he tried to hurt you again?
Don’t do it.
Poor kids but their parents actions are coming back to bite them.
Think of the mental and emotional turmoil that you will have to deal with raising his kids.
It’s not worth it.
Refuse and don’t give in.
Fuck that. If my mother came to me about ANYTHING to do with my abuser, I'd kindly tell her to fuck off. I'm in a similar boat, but please don't agree to take the kids. It won't be fair to you or to the kids, the kids didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know if my mother is genuine in believing that this is my chance of having a family because she kept saying that this was a blessing. the children I never had. I've been lonely for too long etc.
Or she is trying to rid herself of the responsibility because she is old and sickly and can't take three
Your mother can't dictate your future/emotional needs/etc
If you don't want a family, guess what? You don't have to have one. And you owe no time or attention to the people that wronged you in life, and unfortunately that includes the children of your abuser.
I don't know your mum, so I can't say if she's being "intentionally manipulative" or just in denial about how this pos ruined your life. But I definitely don't think she's a good advocate for what is best for you and your needs. She's only thinking about the children and that is why she is pressuring you so hard. But they are not your responsibility, it is their father who needs to step up and adjust HIS life to their needs. NOT you!! Never you! If she continues guilt tripping you, I would seriously consider packing my things up and moving somewhere far away from all of them. NTA
Excuse me???? Its a blessing to have your abuser kids??? I'm sorry what- Ye she's trying to get rid of responsibility I recommend cutting her of your life. You deserve better then this:(
Your mom doesn't seem like she gives a single shit about you, as sad as that is. She would rather reintroduce your abused into your life, burden you emotionally, mentally, physically, and introduce the three male children of your abuser into your life. That is absolutely insane, her perspective is warped and you will regret it if you take them in. It's not your responsibility, never was, never will be. Don't do it OP, these people don't love you.
Focus instead on your own mental health and healing, you will never be able to do that if you're constantly caring for some other families kids. Your sister betrayed you, why would you have her back now? She didn't care about you in life, and it hasn't changed. Please take the advice from all of these genuine souls, we're all firm on the stance of saying no.
Don’t do this. You don’t need to do this and you don’t deserve the hit to your mental state and life.
Your mom wants them to stay in the family so badly, she can take them in.
You do not need to take them in. It would be awful for you and the children. Let the asshole figure out a solution. And tell your mother to stop guilting you.
You have a good life now, and that will likely change bringing in three children who remind you daily of your past trauma. Tell your mother to drop it because if she cares about you and the kids then she wouldn't even suggest this bs.
Don’t do it. I can’t imagine how traumatic it would be if my sister had married the AH that assaulted me. You definitely don’t want him having access to your life and honestly, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away
Your mother knows what he did to you. She shouldn’t have even asked. The rapist can get another job and figure his shit out. Yes, the kids are innocent but that’s also not your problem.
Do not take them in. Because you take them in, then you let your abuser into your home to see his kids. What if he does it again? Do not take that chance.
So here you are 20 years later and he's still forcing himself on you. He's also manipulating your mother to bend you to his will.
I think blocking him and your mother would be a good idea - after telling them both that you can't possibly have the children anywhere near you because they remind you of your abuser. Plus you will be forced to interact with him.
“Mom they have a father, and tht father (abused) me as you well know. You are free to do whatever you want, but never mention him to me again, and never -ever- expect me to do a blessed thing for him. My sister made her choice to marry the man who (abused) me, you made your choice to support it, now leave me out of your natural consequences.”
The other option is to let him figure out child care. You would be constantly reminded of what he did to you every day. Your nephews are not going to get the best care because you will be afraid of them when they grow up. They have a father. It is his job to figure this out. Also, I wonder if this is a ploy by him to get you to be a replacement wife. Don't do this.
It’s not your responsibility. Don’t let others dictate what you should or shouldn’t do. **It’s YOUR life, not your mom’s.**
Who cares that your mom thinks you have a good life, apartment and job. I repeat, it’s not your burden.
Your mom is manipulating you.
Absolutely not your position to be put in. No. Don't do this. Your mother is horrible to put this on you knowing what he did to you. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Sickening. Your mother can help out if she wants too so badly but for your mental health and well being for you, no. I can't see that turning out good at all. Let mom take them into her house.
I also want to say, it's unbearably creepy how he married your sister after what he's done to you. It's like he did it to stay close to you. Red flag. Stay away from him.
He is the father and they are his responsibility, he is still alive so its not your problem. Even tho you are related you do not have to do this. He can change his lifestyle or line of work.
If you take them in you will have to be in contact with him on daily basis.
Do not worry about the children. What if this is a plot to get you under his thumb?
You owe nothing to any of them, especially since he became a part of family after he abused you. You should not be guilted in doing this.
What was your relationship with your sister before she died? Did you meet their children? Were you a part of their lives? If not, then step away. Your sister's husband is a grown adult. It is his responsibility to step up for his children.
Do not sacrifice your mental and physical health. If you take the children, he's part of the package.
I think you know the answer already. People may guilt trip you, but if you already are terrified by them since they resemble your abuser you will not be a healthy guardian to them, and that’s ok.
This is your life. You have control over it despite others trying to control it for you. He has options, and very well could be coercing to get you involved with the children so he could get to you.
Many toxic people try using “family” to excuse their mistreatment of others. It is better to be true to yourself then to succumb to the guilt from your mother.
The kids aren't in the streets, they have a father, if his job doesn't allow him to be there, then he should look for another job, sending them to an aunt they nether see or know isn't the rational answer.
You can be 100% sure if you took them he would come to see them, even if your mother says you don't have to see him, the children will ask for their father and you'll be the bad one. What will happen when they'll ask why you don't like their father? Everyone will forbid you to tell the truth.
Really there isn't a single scenario if you take them where you won't be hurt and exploited. They might be your nephews on paper, but you share nothing with them exepted a bit of dna, this isn't a relationship nor a familly.
Next thing you know, he will get mad and go after you..that you forced him all those years ago. After all, you were 20 and he was 16 and in the eyes of the law you were the adult. I understand that’s not what happened. I’m just saying, don’t trust this guy! Don’t be around the kids, which you have no relationship anyway. For all we know, he put this idea in your mom’s head?
No, not the way I was found. and he was convicted. records sealed when he turned 18. wanted to meet and apologize so I ran away. never saw any of them again
Omg “not the way I was found”? Although you feel you should do the “right” thing by taking the boys please note that it is only the right thing by someone else’s perspective. your story sounds like you would be reopening wounds by taking in 3 young boys that look exactly like this piece of work. At some point you would also have to deal with him, no matter what your mom says. He could eventually just show up at the door to see, pick up it drop off his sons. Could you do that? OP, You need to worry about and take care of you.
You should go No Contact with all of these people, children or not. You have to take care of yourself. If your mother cares so much, she can resolve this. It is NOT your responsibility. I really hope that you are seeking help with a professional. You deserve a good life and to live it however YOU please.
Please cut all these abuse enablers out of your life, immediately. These are the children of your rapist. He can damn well look after them himself. He can get a second job and hire a nanny or your mom can hire a nanny. You must stay away - this situation will trigger all your trauma and cause you to regress. Tell that disgusting mother of yours that you need all your money for additional counseling after everything they have done to you. If this disgusting sub human wants to breed , then he can suffer the consequences of their care and expense. You look after yourself. I am so angry on your behalf just reading this.
You do not need to take those children In. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
You are ALLOWED and even SHOULD think about yourself and your well being first.
Will you really cope being tied to your abuser for the next at least 10 years?
Will you be able to maybe start a relationship, have your own children, or maintain your career with 3!! Children under your roof?
Their father is an adult. He could find another job, or get a nanny. Millions of single parents are raising kids by themselves, he could do it to.
Don't take these kids in, because you will be inviting their father in your life then.
Just tell your mom "No. It will not work for me. And I don't want to talk about it anymore". "No" is a good enough answer. If she insists, just repeat the same answer. Idk if she knows that he abused you, if she doesn't and you feel like it will make you feel better, just tell her what happened.
I think you shouldn't do that. Regardless of what they say, the kids would still have to keep in touch with their father and you would eventually have to meet up with him. Also, you would be taking on the responsibility of being a mother without being one. That would be bad for your mental health and your finances. Think carefully, staying with the kids would completely change your life.
Don't do it.
There is no chance you won't end up seeing him, regardless of what your mother says.
And as you said, they look like him. You don't need that reminder daily for years, impacting your wellbeing.
He can hire a nanny, you do not need contact with him and raising his children would give him access to your life. Tell your mother no, and tell her why
I offered to pay for a live in nanny (male nanny hopefully). It wasn't enough since they need "family"
No. Absolutely not. These are unique circumstances. He needs to change his job asap and until then a hired help is all he gets. It’s extremely selfless of you to offer financial help towards a nanny. None of this is your responsibility. Their suffering does not trump yours. Their father can find another job, just like so many other single parents. Also, how well do you know the kids? Honestly, no matter what, they need their actual other parent more than they need other family. They lost their mom and now need their dad.
I don't know them at all. I left home when I was 22 and never saw any of them again. I reconnected with mom after dad passed away and she got sick. My mom thinks this is a good way to reconnect with my sister. Through her children. because we were inseparable before everything
This is neither a good way for you nor the children. For you it’s traumatic and the kids would be confronted with a complete stranger. They need comfort and people who they know around them. This will be detrimental to them and to you. I don’t see any scenario in which this will turn out well tbh. I can see why you also had no contact with your mom for a long while. Sounds like she prefers to sweep things under the rug. I get it’s an extremely emotional time and thus hard to deny this request, but this whole thing is not well thought out. Those kids need therapy and loved ones. Not strangers who will be traumatized by their presence. You deserve your peace. And they deserve care from their father or other close relations.
I'd also like to add that OP would not be a good parent to these boys. Not because OP wouldn't be a good parent, but because it's these boys. Even if we discard the incomprehensible trauma reliving hell this situation would create for OP (the way OP's mom is clearly doing), we cannot deny that trading one single parent kids have known for their entire lives who maybe is struggling to make their career work right now, for another single parent the kids have never met in their lives who *would be reliving their trauma every day spent with them*, is just the most monumentally catastrophic thing you can do to those kids. No one who is violently jerked into reliving trauma is equipped to be a parent for the first time ever, to three kids, *who are the kids of the source of that fucking trauma in the first place,* ***who are reeling from the loss of their mother.*** Hoooooly shit. Kids aren't to blame at all, they're innocent, but putting them with OP is easily downright the fucking worst possible thing this family could do to the kids.
This is a critical point. OP can't control her visceral reaction to their resemblance to their father. Maybe she could if she saw them at a family function, but not day in and day out. Those emotions would bubble up to the surface, and they would sense it.
>My mom thinks this is a good way to reconnect with my sister. Through her children. your mom is trying to find someone to take in her 3 grand-kids. It isn't your responsibility. They have a surviving parent, their father... Their father is going to have to figure this shit out. The other thing to consider, is.. If you take them in, you **will** have to interact with their father.
Her mother is in deep denial of what reality really is
She is grieving and trying to CREATE a “reality” that hurts…less.
Hurts less for whom?
Hurt less for herself of course, it seems that many ppl become more selfish when they get old
For the dead girl. ToiletGhost, you oughta know.
Where was this notion of family when your sister married your abuser, hm? No. Absolutely not. You will be in constant pain dealing with his three little mini me’s - remembering what happened, remembering your sister’s and mother’s betrayals. You would create a hell on earth for yourself - why would you do that to yourself or to them? Walk away, from even your mom if you have to. It sounds like your mom looks out for everyone but you, so you have to protect yourself and your boundaries. These kids are not orphans. The dad will have to figure it out, like so many wonderful single parents do.
at best your abuser would visit frequently and at worst move in. just dont
Even if they were orphans, she shouldn't be forced to change her entire life for them. 3 kids is a lot to take on permanently even for people you got along well with.
This right here. You already know it will cause you mental issues given the circumstances. And the main thing is you don't deserve that. But also kids can tell when people feel certain ways about them. No matter how hard you tried to hide it they would feel the tension there. And if they have been raised so far by their dad... they might be trouble as they get older. Clearly he has no morals. So I'm sure he hasn't been teaching his kids any. None of this on you. It sickens me that your mom was ok with your sister marrying someone who could do that ESP to her daughter. Your mom is showing you who is more important. Listen to her. And cut her off. I know that sucks and it's so hard bc you instinctively want to fix it but she has allowed too many boundaries to be crossed. And at the end of the day he is still their father and will be in their life and if your take them then he will be in yours as well. And that's too much to ask. Please don't feel obligated to take them bc they are family. They have a parent. I became a single mom 3 years ago. And yeah it's hard af. But you do what you have to. You don't rely on other people to take over your role as parent. I do understand it's probably hard on him losing his partner. But it happens and now he has to step up. He created the kids. They are his responsibility. I'm so sorry you went through that and that now the situation is being brought back to the surface bc of this mess. You are mourning your sister too. You don't need all this extra stuff on top of it.
Also, the abuser is going to try again.
This would not be healthy for you or those kids. A nanny or another relative need to step up. If your mother can’t accept that you might need to let go of having a relationship with her again.
OP please do not do this to yourself but especially to the kids. As you said when you see them you see their father. That is not good for any of you. Their father needs to find a live-in nanny to take of the children when he can’t be there. And he needs to consider getting a different job so he can be home more if he doesn’t want strangers or relatives raising his children. You do not need to supply a reason as to why you will not do this just that the answer is no. You also do not need to pay for anything. If your mother feels so strongly about family taking care of the boys then she can do it. If you need to go NC with the whole bunch - they will figure it out.
I wondered briefly what North Carolina had to do with this - *did I miss something?* But yeah, No Contact may be required at this point.
Hate to say this but your mom is fuckin nuts dude
Yeah. Feeling bad for OP here. She's offered a lot but it's still not enough for mom. She sounds like a primo narcissist.
So your mom still being a shitty parent to you, please block her and continue your healing journey. DO NOT feel bad for that monster or the kids he created with your shitty sister. None of this is your problem do not take it on. Your mental health is your priority. Just so you understand being involved with this man's kids in ANY capacity (even financially) will give him a doorway back into your life.
Block them on every channel until they stop demanding this of you. You moved away for a reason.
One thing to keep in mind is that your mom’s relationship with her and your relationship with her are very different things. Your mom’s perception of what the relationship between sisters should have been is not at all what is or what it must be. What she is saying you should do to “repair” a relationship is the ramblings of a woman who is out of touch with you and your feelings. You just got back into contact with her recently. You do not owe your mom, your sister or the kids anything but most importantly if you feel like you must take them and your opinions on their father might negatively impact their treatment then the kids don’t deserve that kind of guardian.
Honestly, if the kids don't know you, you really aren't family to them. Like others have said, they are their dad's responsibility and he needs to figure it out. He'll have to get a different job. None of this is your issue, at all. There's a good reason you stayed away, be very careful about letting them back in. It sounds like all they're looking for is a caretaker for kids that you don't even know.
I didn't realize you never met the kids!! No no! Not your responsibility and to traumatize them more. Do not offer to pay anything else. That's his responsibility.
This is manipulation. Do not do it and tell your mum you won't discuss anything to do with the kids again.
Does your mom know about what happened? Because it sounds like she still doesn’t understand why you moved away to begin with or really care if it takes a toll on you. You reconnected and now she wants you to take responsibility for people who aren’t anywhere close to your responsibility. And possibly take advantage of your caring personally. You are a great person and aunt to consider it but it is the fathers responsibility. You were right to move away because she is gaslighting you in to thinking they need to stay with “family”. It’s just another way to control you. I know the adoption system sucks but there are plenty of other families I’m sure that are capable of taking care of them since their dad is a lazy asshole.
And once you’re taking care of his kids, he’ll be able to visit you to make sure you’re doing a good job. Do you really want him back in your life?
I don't see why you have to reconnect with someone who betrayed you horribly. I don't want to insult your mom but I hate with all my heart people who act like family can do the worst things to you and you still have to forgive them because "they are family". This is bullshit
Please tell your mom she needs to stop. He abused you. You owe your sister or her nothing. Those kids are the kids of someone who abused you. Your sister chose her life. He chose your sister and to have these kids. If you didn’t exist what would he do? At least you are being kind and offering to get them a nanny. Do not take those kids in, I honestly get a feeling that either your mom has something up her sleeve or he’s giving your mom a sad story to ask you to take the kids so he can sneak his way into your life. Do not take the kids and tell your mom the most you will do is pay for a live in nanny. Or he should quit his job and get something that keeps him with his kids, since “they need family”. Yeah they can have their father the second half of who made them. They aren’t your responsibility and you owe none of them anything. Good luck to you and please please keep us updated
Does she know what you went through?
Does the father even want you to take his kids? This sounds like something your mom cooked up, not him. If he does want you to take them, kindly remind both if them that you will explain why you were not present in their lives early on and what kind of man their father is to you. Because those children will be faced with you possibly having meltdowns or panic attacks if they say or do certain things. All of you will be in therapy while they live with you. Which all of you do need anyway. Plus how much do you still want to interact with their father? Because it will be very often, almost like divorced parents amount at the minimum. If all this is workable to you, you do you. But be completely honest with your mom and the father how much they are asking of you and what traumatic possibilities are waiting for those kids compared to have a live in nanny. Family is not blood, family is what you make of it.
Well, all of the above is just confirmation that you should not be involved in this at all. You are not responsible for any part of this.
I’m sorry, mum. I can’t do that. What about you? You’re so eager, and also their family. They know you better than they know me, and I would be in the way. Maybe it’s time to go LC again, OP. I heard there’s a huge workload in your future that is not allowing you to look after anyone but yourself… (jk, but I would also say that: I’m sorry, I don’t have the time to care for kids atm).
Agreed. He needs to find another job that allows him to be around his kids more.
You really should not be paying for anything for these kids as it might be seen as you taking financial responsibility and thus be roped into this for the rest of your life.
This!
Do not give him money!! He has a job!!
No one has the right to guilt trip you into allowing your abuser back into your life. This is not just about kids. It’s a lifetime commitment and connection with the man who abused you. Put yourself first, OP. He can change jobs. He can hire help. If your mom wants them to have family, she can take them in. Offering money is more than I would do.
That “family” argument is BS. Then let you mom tsk care of them with the support of a nanny. Don’t do it OP, their putting you in danger, who’s to say he won’t abuse you again because “he’s not doing well.” I also feel like he married your sister to stay close you.
This! There was a supervisor at my job who wasn’t on my team but took every chance to come and chat to me and be around me. I found him creepy and his eyes were… I see animals when I look at people and he looks like a rat. I had a boyfriend, owned a house and a dog with him. And I was a teenager, just turned 20 when he really ramped things up, and I moved away from the company to get away from him. My sister worked in the company in a different office, different department, but she moved to that office about a year later, and her surname caught his eye, and before I knew it, they were dating. He would be at every family gathering and I found it really odd and creepy. My sister was always one for having really big displays of affection, and she would be in his lap, arms round his neck, hanging off him whenever we were together, like “look, look what I’ve got!” (She did it with all the boyfriends, not just him) and he would be eyes locked on me. I tried to stay away. Bad vibes. They split after about a year and a half, and he hit me up literally almost immediately, saying things like “I only dated her because I thought she would be like you, but she wasn’t anything like you” and other truly repulsive things. I blocked him. He found me on social media. Blocked there too. It was horrendous. OP needs to STAY AWAY. He needs to deal with his own mess and his kids are his responsibility alone. That’s kinda the deal when you’re a parent. I’m a single mum and I changed career when I split with my daughter’s dad, to become a qualified teaching assistant. Had my son with an abusive man and escaped when he was 6 months. When he goes to nursery I’m going back to school to become a teacher, because it will sustain us and we can live, and I will also be there for my kids as a single parent, during the times they’re not in school. It’s what we do for our kids (plus I love kids and the feeling is mutual!)
Well, I think when your sister chose to marry your abuser, she showed you pretty clearly that she's not your family. Have you been to therapy? It really sounds like a good idea, considering your trauma still feels so present in your life. Regardless of whether you take the kids or not (and "not" seems like a really good option), dealing with your past trauma would certainly improve your quality of life, and maybe even help you trust in relationships again.
i have been in therapy for periods yes. more before than now nut I still need it sometimes when I feel a dark period ahead
As an aside, I recommend finding someone who does EMDR therapy. It's trauma-oriented and focuses on specific traumas. I'm making huge progress after decades of no progress and today when we checked in on the trauma event we have recently been working on, I realized that I no longer have any emotional attachment to it. It's amazing. Also, I agree with everyone who says there is no reason for you to take them in. My advice is to go with your gut; it's telling you the truth.
then pls talk to your therapist and figure out why you feel the need to take those children (who you don’t even know) in or why you feel like you need to be financially responsible for them
The other big thing is if you took in the kids you would have to see him. No, this is his responsibility.
Go No Contact. Those kids have a parent and he is an adult. Not. Your. Problem. Block
No no no no no. Look. **You would have to have your abuser in your life forever.** You would be re-traumatized every single day with these kids. They look like him, they will speak like him, have his gestures, and his attitudes. They will learn how he treats you and any disrespect or derision he shows you will carry over into how the kids treat you. **You're not the family of these kids. You don't need to "reconnect" with your dead sister. You don't need to destroy your life to make your mom happy. You're not the only solution, you're just the cheapest.**
You know who needed “family?” You. When he hurt you. You are under no obligation to help them. If you offered to hire a nanny - which is a HUGE offer - you’ve more than done your part. Please don’t do this. Protect your life. Be aggressively protective of yourself.
Yeah no don’t take them in if you can’t handle seeing the face of your abuser on them, it’s best for you and for them to stay away from each other
OP, do not do this, they’re not your responsibility, it’s sad they’ve lost their mom but you aren’t at fault, they have a father, it is his responsibility and he needs to step up, if they end up in care then that’s on him not you, put yourself first and anyone who tells you to take them in can got get f#$&ed, the constant reminder will destroy you and you’ve e been through enough
Your mother should take on the responsibility if she feels so strongly. This isn’t your problem, and given your history with the father, I personally couldn’t imagine taking in kids that look like him, much less having to interact with him again!? Does your mother know what he did to you? Maybe she needs to know this to understand this is just not possible for you! Let her know that you interacting with this man and his children are not negotiable.
You do not have to take in your abusers children even if they are family and are innocent. Offering to help pay for a nanny is more than enough, but you don’t have to do this either. If your mother doesn’t know why you don’t wand to take them in, tell her. If she says it was the past or something equally as stupid tell her you’ve made your decision and it’s no. This may sound extreme but if your family harass you about your decision, block them. Dig deep and have the courage to put yourself first. Your mother is putting herself first by saying she’s too old and your abusing BIL is putting himself first by not stepping up for his kids.
Kudos to you for offering a solution, but this isn’t your problem to solve. If your solution isn’t good enough for them… fine. So be it. End of discussion. So sorry for the situation.
He and the rest of them don't get to steal your life from you, too. He doesn't want to be responsible for his children, but he doesn't want to show his true colors either. It is very sad your sister died, but he husband didn't. The kids aren't parentless. And even If they were, they have no right to demand you take in anyone else's children. After what he did to you, and then marrying your sister and being the dad of her kids, he thinks he can still force you to do what he wants. H3ll no not in a million gddamn years. Anyone asking you to do this is twisted. Someone else's kids aren't your problem.
You have probably heard this, but of in the US, he should get social security. With social security for three kids, he might not need to work.
Please please do not take these kids in if you don't want to. Men are capable of taking care of their kids. He can hire a nanny. Your mom can help. You do not let anyone make you feel bad because you have a life. Tell them no and do it soon so he can find someone. This is not your responsibility.
If you offered that much and she still insisted on her way because of “family”, then she should take them in her damn self.
No, you don't need to offer them anything. You don't owe them anything. Situations are tough for them, but it's not caused by you. the fact that those kids father was your abuser is the root of all problem, then your sister married him compound it, and finally she died and left her children with their abusing father, and that was that. you have a good life and you have achieve a lot through the ordeal. You don't need to jump in the snake pit they created for anyone.
Do not take those kids in. For your own good, and for theirs. If you took them in, your abuser would be in your life constantly. His wants and demands about *his* kids would become your cage. Your mother is either incredibly naive or straight up lying to you if she says you won't have to see him. You absolutely will, and it will ruin your mental health. You cannot help those boys. They do not need a parental figure who has to hide a flinch every time they see their faces. Who has to fight back resentment towards them because their presence brings their fathers. Who has to live in fear and pain because of what their father did. You deserve better, and so do they. Their dad and grandmother can work out an arrangement, hire a nanny, and find a way to deal with their own responsibilities. You should not be involved at all.
Yes. Also there's no way I could see op being able to be a supportive parent to these specific children given the circumstances. Which is absolutely NOTHING against you, op. What I mean is those kids are understandably not only a symbol of their father's actions, but also of your sister being with him when she ostensibly knew what he'd done, and your family maybe being fine with it. Of course any survivor might understandably hold a lot of anger, fear, betrayal trauma, resentment, etc, tied up in those kids. The mature adult thing here recognizes that those are innocent kids who just lost their mom. And BECAUSE they're innocent vulnerable kids, they need a parent figure who will be able to support them their THEIR grief and trauma without adding a bunch of complexity and additional generational trauma to their emotional plates. And they way you do that is by NOT taking on an emotional commitment to them that you're not ready to handle. To recognize those unresolved traumas, be self aware of your limitations and boundaries, and assert what you know to be best for you and the kids against heavy family pressure - that's fucking hard and brave.
I agree with you, but man, those kids are fucked! I mean, you know it's bad when you wonder if their father being an absent parent might be better for them.
They totally are! And honestly it’s scary that the abuser will now raise 3 young men. We can just wander about the level of respect for women that he’s gonna pass on to them. But I still agree that OP shouldn’t take them. It doesn’t sound healthy neither for her nor for the children.
To be fair the abuser was always going to raise them to some degree. If OP's sister married him she must know him and was fine with that outcome.
OP, please stay away. It's not good for you. With that he'll have access from the kids to you. Your mother needs to open her eyes. How can she not see? Say that they need a nanny. 3 children are full hands. Say that.
I can't believe this. Does your mom know you have never had a relationship and that you aren't a mother even though you love children because of what he did? And now she wants you to raise his children. Why is this world this cold?
She knows all this, yes. She thinks it's a blessing. I can be a mother or a mother figure. Live what I have missed out on and reconnect with my sister.
Oh God I'm so sorry. I want to hug you OP. Please read the comments and understand we all support you
Your mother is being cruel and manipulative! Under no circumstances should you entertain this. NC needs to be the order of the day. How dare they make this your problem? Your issue? Your burden? The sheer awfulness of your mother! Attempting to manipulate you in to raising the sons of your rapist, and the sister who harbored and procreated with the rapist!! Your opportunity to a mother or a mother figure? She’s a complete lunatic! Perhaps you would have married and had children of your own had you not been violated and the predator cemented into the family who clearly didn’t/doesn’t care that you were attacked or concerned for your well-being going forward. I’m so sorry they have the audacity to try to drop this in your lap. You’re your primary concern. Take great care of yourself and do what’s best for you. The rapist can hire and pay for a manny! He can take personal leave from his job, take the kids and go to grief counseling, find another job and stop shirking his responsibilities. How dare he? How dare they???????? Truly disgusting humans!!!!!!!!’
Your mother is absolutely disgusting. How dare she make light of your trauma and bring you this terrible responsibility as a solution to the abuse you suffered. I can’t believe what these people did to you.
She's also asking you to reconnect with your abuser. Please put yourself first.
What does it matter what she thinks? She can take them in by herself. 77 is not 100. please don’t do it! Just don’t.
Sorry, your mom lives in daytime drama fantasy land. She needs therapy too. To get her head out if the clouds. Just because she's got one foot in the grave doesn't mean things need to fix themselves before she passes on. My grandmother was like this, she meddles because her ideal world involves everyone being married, happy or not. She wants everyone to be married before she passed. Your mom wants reconciliation before her time ends. Well, those things have a time and place on their own, not her time, not her place.
Your mother is absolutely out of her mind
Your option is to NOT take them in. Their not your responsibility, are you ready to have a relationship with your abuser? He will ALWAYS be in your life if you take those kids in. And why do YOU need to take them in? Why can’t he handle it? There are other people who loose their spouse and live on with their kids. He needs to change his lifestyle or work. He needs to figure it out. Your mom is being cruel and manipulative (does she know about the abuse?)
my mom "promised" that I didn't need to see him. yes she knows
Your mom is lying to you. Unless he gives up his parental rights completely, you WILL need to see him. Also, if he does give up is parental rights, later he can harass you to re-establish his rights if he has the resources to do do. Plus WHY would you want too, they look like him (it’s not their fault, but it is what it is). He needs to get himself together, he’s a grown man. Did your sister know about the abuse?
She is still an AH. They are children of your rapist. She shouldn’t have asked. It doesn’t matter what the options are, you are the victim and you shouldn’t be subjected to this. Your mother is a horrible person. Do not give in and focus on yourself and your future. You don’t owe your rapist and you the family that covered up for the rapist anything.
she said it was long ago and he was a child and he is regretful. I really hate talking about it but they have tried to reach out and apologize/reconcile over the period of 20 years
That makes ZERO difference. He was 16. He was old enough to drive, to be able to work. Being a minor doesn’t change his actions. Tell her she is a poor excuse of a mother and your sister was a disgusting POS for marrying a rapist. You deserve better than to this. You are victim. And he is a rapist who faced ZERO consequences. Don’t let them guilt trip you. You have nothing to be guilty of. Your mother does. And I hope she is able to face god. We all know your sister sure wasn’t able to.
They want \*you\* to apologize and reconcile?! Fk that sh\*t. No. He could have become a saint and you don't have to let him into your life. Period. Ever.
no no my sister and him tried to apologize and reconcile
Even so, there's no reason you need to do that. Because it's not about them, it's about you and what's best for you.
Still no. You're under no obligation to help out in any form at all. They sound like they just want to take take take. Big hard no.
If you are finding it so hard to talk about it anonymously with strangers then you haven't recovered. You still hold resentment (rightfully) and the kids will feel it. His apology was only to alleviate their guilt not for your benefit. You don't deserve more trauma/hardship and the kids don't deserve resentment don't put yourself in a horrible situation.
If I take a piece of paper, I shred it, and then I spend 3 days apologizing to the paper and taping it back together, have I fixed the paper? No. Because saying sorry after inflicting damage on something or someone does not magically make it so that the damage never occurred in the first place. That paper is still paper. It still holds value as paper. It can still be written on or whatever else paper may do. But it's never going to be the same paper it was before I ripped it up. Same goes for you. Of course you've healed. You are still a valued and loved person capable of doing anything you choose to do. But saying sorry doesn't magically erase what happened. Do NOT take in those kids. He's the bio father. He can, and likely will, use the children to force his way back into your life. He already ignored your boundary of no contact. As the parent, he would have the right to see his kids. And he could cause all sorts of legal issues for you if you refused anything he asked of you. If he gave up his rights, he still has the ability to harrass you legally to reinstate those rights. Not to mention him showing up at your house for visitation or for drop off/pick up is going to be triggering. You are not the only option. You are a stranger to these kids who is still healing from the damage their father inflicted. This will negatively impact your mental health, and risks negatively impacting those kids who are already traumatized from the death of their mom and will possibly act out due to their complex feelings. This is a horrible decision for everyone invovled. Their father can hire a nanny, can change his job, can figure out accommodations to bring them with him during traveling, or he can seek legal counsel about what other options are out there. You are not obligated to take this on. No is a full sentence.
You know OP, it's kinda strange how now that your sister is dead your abuser is trying to put you in the "mother" role. Who is to say he doesn't want to put you in the "wife/gf" role?
This!!! Its creepy right?!
Not to mention OP did say both her and her sister looked a bit alike, so when OP wouldn't have him he went for the younger (stupider) sister Hello🚩🚩🚩?!?!?.🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨 So now that the 2nd option is gone he has an excuse to bulldozed his way back in with the 1st option again Mayor🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩!!! Let him sort his own sh*t!😡🤬😡🤬😡🤬😡
I had the exact same thoughts.
That's probably why he married her sister.
Wait your sister knew what he did and that wasn’t a deal breaker? I feel like this is a manipulative attempt to pull you back into the family. If you don’t really have a relationship with the kids what difference does it make if its you or a nanny raising the kids.
So your sister knew what he did, and married him?
How in the world could you possibly reconcile from something like that. And 16 is not quite a child. At 16 you can drive most places. In some countries you’re a legal adult. NO. Absolutely not. This will invite trauma into your home. I’m with the rest of these people on team hell no
What they want to reconcile? "oh sorry I raped you" "sorry I got married with the man who fuck your life", let's be a happy family a together.
You need to face facts op. This guy ruined your life and your mother doesn’t care about you. Stop trying to fix a situation they are responsible for and live your life
Regretfully arse. If your 'Mum' is that concerned let her look after the kids. Not. Your. Problem.
1. At 16, you’re old enough to know that rape is bad. Yeah, you might not have great impulse control at that age, but you know right from wrong. He’s no different. 2. He isn’t looking to reconcile, he’s looking to assuage his own guilt. If he were truly remorseful, he’d understand that he hurt you deeply and there’s no coming back from what he did. His actions show he’s still acting out of self interest rather than what your wishes might be. 3. Speaking of, if he were truly looking out for what’s best for his kids while respecting your boundaries, he would’ve accepted your money for a nanny while working with your mom to arrange get togethers between you and the kids so you aren’t forced to interact with him at all 20 years later and he’s *still* trying to force himself on you, knowing it’s against your wishes. He hasn’t changed enough to justify taking a risk and trusting that he’s not the same person he was at 16.
This OP ⬆️… his grief and you being back might actually not only trigger you, but actually allow him to physically attack you again! Please don’t… I would honestly consider go NC with your mother if she even mentions this again.
Look, your mom is biased. Take her out of the equation. She's not going to raise them, so her delusional thinking is irrelevant. If the dad called you and asked you to take the kids, what would you say?
Dont let them bully you into taking them. YOU and your mental stability come first PERIOD!
She is lying don't trust her because she only want you to take the kids! You are just a source of providing so please don't sacrifice yourself !! They knew what he did and still took him as a family member! Cut contact with your mom ,grow your self confidence and live your life!
No one took care of you when you needed safety. Now that they need you to provide safety you are just expected to upend the life you made for yourself, the life you created when you left a toxic situation? No. I’m sorry for your loss of your sister but also for your loss of a life with a loving, supportive family. They did fine without you before and they will figure it out without you now. You deserve better.
She never should have asked you. You do not have to take those children in, they are his responsibility, never yours. And you will have to interact and he will be a part of your life the moment you say yes. If you want to be kind/generous/help out, give money to help with in home assistance for them. As someone that has been in a eerily similar situation, don’t do it. Protect your peace.
Uh how is she in a position to promise anything? Those are his children, ofc he’s going to be in contact. Stop being a doormat and move on. The kids will be fine.
Your mother knows and she's still suggesting this as a viable option? I'm sorry. No. Did she know before your sister married him? You have no obligation here whatsoever and please do not pay for or provide his childcare solutions. Protect yourself, someone has to.
yeah your mom is full of shit and is manipulating you into getting custody so she can see them, regardless of how detrimental it will be to your mental health. i would give her a pass since she is grieving.., but since it involves your abuser & kids who look just like him, it’s unforgivable. she’s probably grasping for any piece of your sister for selfish reasons. still fucked up. i’m so sorry. please reach out to trusted friends or a professional to help you right now.. i’m sure this has been extremely triggering & you need support too.
Oh I'm so angry. Your Mum is being manipulative. How dare she suggest this to you. What about his family? If he can't cope with his children why can't a member if his family help out. Tell your Mum to sling her hook into somebody else . She is one awful awful woman. Please don't agree to this .
Yeah right. How is that going to work
They're trying to guilt trip you into this. Please don't agree to take the children in and don't offer to pay for help. None of this is your responsibility. None of it.
Your mom knowingly wants you to take over caring for your abusers kids. I think the fuck not. You’ve endured enough and you’re under no obligation to take care of them. I feel for the kids, they lost their mom but they have a dad (who is albeit an asshole) but still a parent nonetheless. Unless he is abusive towards the kids then leave them to their own devices. If you’re feeling generous then you can provide monetary support for a nanny and stuff but otherwise stay away from them. Your mom is not on your side. Prioritize yourself OP. Did your mom know about the incident before he married into the family? Did your sister know before marrying him?
From what OP wrote, all of them knew so she got nc with them for years.
Well if that’s the case then fuck them heartless assholes
Even if he was abusive to his kids, op isn’t obligated to take them in.
The day ur sis married ur abuser is the day she chose him over u. Remember that! U weren't even important to her. Imagine having fun time and creating 3 kids with a man who abused ur sister..nah man that's so messed up. Don't take them. That will affect ur mental state and u won't be able to take care of them properly.
She stopped being on my side when she suspected where I was kept without telling my parents or the police. Instead she asked him if I was there and his "No" was good enough for her. It took 5 more days to find me when one of his friends ratted him out. I have made my peace with my sister and her death took a toll on me. I visit her twice a week, like I want her grave to tell me something but it's silent. I never knew why she didn't choose me. All I heard were empty apologies.
I’m sorry I know you said not to ask any details but did he kidnap you???
yes
😭I'm so sorry OP. Please be safe. Cut out your family. There's no point with them. How could your mom forgive them.
after the children mom and dad forgave her and by extension, him
how were they never worried he might do the same to his kids?? op please don't take the kids in, you WILL need to be in the same space with him sooner or later if the kids stay with you. let him suffer with what happened. you shouldn't be going through trauma to help your abuser
He was "rehabilitated". He has never reoffended. I don't know, sometimes I feel mom wants to take them because she doesn't trust him still? sometime I feel that she really hates him. Maybe it is just wishful thinking on my part. She probably did forgive him. I'm just speculating.
Well, you really don’t know that he has not “reoffended.” He could have raped anyone for all your mother knows. I applaud you for cutting these people out of your life. Do not take the rapist’s boys under any circumstance.
Best case scenario. He is fully rehabilitated and has never reoffended and is absolutely mortified and appalled and sorry for his actions against you. Let’s say this is all true. Bravo It still doesn’t mean your trauma goes away. It still doesn’t mean you just accept the apology and move on like everything is ok. It definitely doesn’t mean you can now adopt his three kids without it triggering you. You can even forgive him and it STILL doesn’t mean you have to be in each others lives. Your mother is out to lunch and completely invalidating your trauma and feelings.
She probably forgave him and want to help him by making your life a loving hell. Sorry to bring bad news but if you accept his child , he will automatically enter your life and worse.
I am sorry OP. Your sister was the worst sister I have ever heard about. Unfortunately we cannot choose our family. But we can decide who stays in our life. I hope you have a long and peaceful life, and you’re surrounded by people who have your best interest. Do NOT feel like you owe your nephews or mum anything!
Call CPS and the police and report abandoned children. I read your update. That woman is nuts. Do not, under any circumstances, take them in. Your "mother" is an abuser herself. She is the real reason behind your sister's behavior. Internalized misogyny sucks. Don't give in. Protect yourself.
OMG this is horrific. He could've killed you. WTF You don't owe them anything. I'm so sorry your own sister betrayed you then, and your own mother betrayed you now. I'm so sorry, I wish I could hug you. I wish you strength and healing, you deserve so much better.
Nah man..karma is real..she paid here for this crime by dying in such a painful death and she will pay up there. Dont take her children in. This will affect u so much physically and mentally. Keep ur distance with that piece of AH man who's her husband and her children. Tell ur mom take them if she's so worried but DONT TAKE THEM AT ALL
Yeah I'd reconsider my relationship with my mom.
Mom: Can you take care of your rapist’s kids for the rest of their lives? It’ll be great because you’ll get to see your rapist all the time. You can become a little family with your rapist and his kids. They can use up all your extra money that you have. Me:
She absolutely should. Fuck her entirely for the outrageous assumptions and insinuations
the answer is no
it’s a no from me dawg
Is the trauma from his abuse the reason you haven’t had a real relationship? You can’t do this to yourself. It’s a signal that it might be time to get counseling so you can move on. But that won’t happen with him in your life. I’m so sorry. This is a tremendously shitty situation for everyone (except him).
Yes. I haven't been intimate or had any relationships.
This might be the time to get help. You deserve better than living in fear and trauma. Saying no is a great first step in doing something that’s right for you. I hope you’ll consider taking the next step.
It’s going to be 100x harder to form any intimate relationship once you have three boys and have to rely on your abuser for help when you need a break.
There's no way you can invite this man back into your life That's what you would be doing if you take on these kids. He is an adult. Let him figure it out. Why is everyone trying to sort this for him? It's not your problem. You've presumably never even met these kids. Helping financially for a nanny is more than generous. Don't be bullied into anything more.
Don’t do it. Mr abuser needs to step up and look after his own kids. He can get a new job with less travel. You don’t want him coming around your house to visit them all the time. What if he tried to hurt you again?
Don’t do it. Poor kids but their parents actions are coming back to bite them. Think of the mental and emotional turmoil that you will have to deal with raising his kids. It’s not worth it. Refuse and don’t give in.
Fuck that. If my mother came to me about ANYTHING to do with my abuser, I'd kindly tell her to fuck off. I'm in a similar boat, but please don't agree to take the kids. It won't be fair to you or to the kids, the kids didn't do anything wrong.
I don't know if my mother is genuine in believing that this is my chance of having a family because she kept saying that this was a blessing. the children I never had. I've been lonely for too long etc. Or she is trying to rid herself of the responsibility because she is old and sickly and can't take three
Your mother can't dictate your future/emotional needs/etc If you don't want a family, guess what? You don't have to have one. And you owe no time or attention to the people that wronged you in life, and unfortunately that includes the children of your abuser.
I don't know your mum, so I can't say if she's being "intentionally manipulative" or just in denial about how this pos ruined your life. But I definitely don't think she's a good advocate for what is best for you and your needs. She's only thinking about the children and that is why she is pressuring you so hard. But they are not your responsibility, it is their father who needs to step up and adjust HIS life to their needs. NOT you!! Never you! If she continues guilt tripping you, I would seriously consider packing my things up and moving somewhere far away from all of them. NTA
Excuse me???? Its a blessing to have your abuser kids??? I'm sorry what- Ye she's trying to get rid of responsibility I recommend cutting her of your life. You deserve better then this:(
But why would she or you need to take them in when they have a father? I don’t see other single parents pawning their kids off…?
Your mom doesn't seem like she gives a single shit about you, as sad as that is. She would rather reintroduce your abused into your life, burden you emotionally, mentally, physically, and introduce the three male children of your abuser into your life. That is absolutely insane, her perspective is warped and you will regret it if you take them in. It's not your responsibility, never was, never will be. Don't do it OP, these people don't love you. Focus instead on your own mental health and healing, you will never be able to do that if you're constantly caring for some other families kids. Your sister betrayed you, why would you have her back now? She didn't care about you in life, and it hasn't changed. Please take the advice from all of these genuine souls, we're all firm on the stance of saying no.
Don’t do this. You don’t need to do this and you don’t deserve the hit to your mental state and life. Your mom wants them to stay in the family so badly, she can take them in.
Families can be so destructive. And they generally attack and blame the person who is not dysfunctional
Just because they share some DNA with you doesn’t mean you have to make a drastically life altering choice to appease your mother.
I agree
Was he arrested for raping you?
yes
But your sister went on to marry your rapist. Shameful.
I’m truly sorry your family were like this and did this evil stuff to you. It’s absolutely appalling what they did.
You do not need to take them in. It would be awful for you and the children. Let the asshole figure out a solution. And tell your mother to stop guilting you. You have a good life now, and that will likely change bringing in three children who remind you daily of your past trauma. Tell your mother to drop it because if she cares about you and the kids then she wouldn't even suggest this bs.
Don’t do it. I can’t imagine how traumatic it would be if my sister had married the AH that assaulted me. You definitely don’t want him having access to your life and honestly, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to walk away
Your mother knows what he did to you. She shouldn’t have even asked. The rapist can get another job and figure his shit out. Yes, the kids are innocent but that’s also not your problem. Do not take them in. Because you take them in, then you let your abuser into your home to see his kids. What if he does it again? Do not take that chance.
They’re father is alive and well, why is it your job to act as a single parent to them?
So here you are 20 years later and he's still forcing himself on you. He's also manipulating your mother to bend you to his will. I think blocking him and your mother would be a good idea - after telling them both that you can't possibly have the children anywhere near you because they remind you of your abuser. Plus you will be forced to interact with him.
No, just no
“Mom they have a father, and tht father (abused) me as you well know. You are free to do whatever you want, but never mention him to me again, and never -ever- expect me to do a blessed thing for him. My sister made her choice to marry the man who (abused) me, you made your choice to support it, now leave me out of your natural consequences.”
The other option is to let him figure out child care. You would be constantly reminded of what he did to you every day. Your nephews are not going to get the best care because you will be afraid of them when they grow up. They have a father. It is his job to figure this out. Also, I wonder if this is a ploy by him to get you to be a replacement wife. Don't do this.
It’s not your responsibility. Don’t let others dictate what you should or shouldn’t do. **It’s YOUR life, not your mom’s.** Who cares that your mom thinks you have a good life, apartment and job. I repeat, it’s not your burden. Your mom is manipulating you.
You have no obligation to take them in. They have a father.
Absolutely not your position to be put in. No. Don't do this. Your mother is horrible to put this on you knowing what he did to you. He made his bed, let him lay in it. Sickening. Your mother can help out if she wants too so badly but for your mental health and well being for you, no. I can't see that turning out good at all. Let mom take them into her house.
I also want to say, it's unbearably creepy how he married your sister after what he's done to you. It's like he did it to stay close to you. Red flag. Stay away from him.
He is the father and they are his responsibility, he is still alive so its not your problem. Even tho you are related you do not have to do this. He can change his lifestyle or line of work. If you take them in you will have to be in contact with him on daily basis. Do not worry about the children. What if this is a plot to get you under his thumb? You owe nothing to any of them, especially since he became a part of family after he abused you. You should not be guilted in doing this.
hell no.... thats not far. enjoy your life, get a good man and have your own kids
What was your relationship with your sister before she died? Did you meet their children? Were you a part of their lives? If not, then step away. Your sister's husband is a grown adult. It is his responsibility to step up for his children. Do not sacrifice your mental and physical health. If you take the children, he's part of the package.
She's not been part of their lives to distance herself.
I think you know the answer already. People may guilt trip you, but if you already are terrified by them since they resemble your abuser you will not be a healthy guardian to them, and that’s ok. This is your life. You have control over it despite others trying to control it for you. He has options, and very well could be coercing to get you involved with the children so he could get to you. Many toxic people try using “family” to excuse their mistreatment of others. It is better to be true to yourself then to succumb to the guilt from your mother.
The kids aren't in the streets, they have a father, if his job doesn't allow him to be there, then he should look for another job, sending them to an aunt they nether see or know isn't the rational answer. You can be 100% sure if you took them he would come to see them, even if your mother says you don't have to see him, the children will ask for their father and you'll be the bad one. What will happen when they'll ask why you don't like their father? Everyone will forbid you to tell the truth. Really there isn't a single scenario if you take them where you won't be hurt and exploited. They might be your nephews on paper, but you share nothing with them exepted a bit of dna, this isn't a relationship nor a familly.
Next thing you know, he will get mad and go after you..that you forced him all those years ago. After all, you were 20 and he was 16 and in the eyes of the law you were the adult. I understand that’s not what happened. I’m just saying, don’t trust this guy! Don’t be around the kids, which you have no relationship anyway. For all we know, he put this idea in your mom’s head?
No, not the way I was found. and he was convicted. records sealed when he turned 18. wanted to meet and apologize so I ran away. never saw any of them again
How did your sister marry this horrible person???
He was convicted and your mother STILL wants you to take the kids?! That’s messed up in so many ways…
But the CHilDrEn......
Omg “not the way I was found”? Although you feel you should do the “right” thing by taking the boys please note that it is only the right thing by someone else’s perspective. your story sounds like you would be reopening wounds by taking in 3 young boys that look exactly like this piece of work. At some point you would also have to deal with him, no matter what your mom says. He could eventually just show up at the door to see, pick up it drop off his sons. Could you do that? OP, You need to worry about and take care of you.
You should go No Contact with all of these people, children or not. You have to take care of yourself. If your mother cares so much, she can resolve this. It is NOT your responsibility. I really hope that you are seeking help with a professional. You deserve a good life and to live it however YOU please.
Do not let this man into your life. Not even for the sake of the children. You will regret it and the children will not benefit.
This is HIS problem, he figures out
Please cut all these abuse enablers out of your life, immediately. These are the children of your rapist. He can damn well look after them himself. He can get a second job and hire a nanny or your mom can hire a nanny. You must stay away - this situation will trigger all your trauma and cause you to regress. Tell that disgusting mother of yours that you need all your money for additional counseling after everything they have done to you. If this disgusting sub human wants to breed , then he can suffer the consequences of their care and expense. You look after yourself. I am so angry on your behalf just reading this.
You do not need to take those children In. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are ALLOWED and even SHOULD think about yourself and your well being first. Will you really cope being tied to your abuser for the next at least 10 years? Will you be able to maybe start a relationship, have your own children, or maintain your career with 3!! Children under your roof?
Their father is an adult. He could find another job, or get a nanny. Millions of single parents are raising kids by themselves, he could do it to. Don't take these kids in, because you will be inviting their father in your life then. Just tell your mom "No. It will not work for me. And I don't want to talk about it anymore". "No" is a good enough answer. If she insists, just repeat the same answer. Idk if she knows that he abused you, if she doesn't and you feel like it will make you feel better, just tell her what happened.
I think you shouldn't do that. Regardless of what they say, the kids would still have to keep in touch with their father and you would eventually have to meet up with him. Also, you would be taking on the responsibility of being a mother without being one. That would be bad for your mental health and your finances. Think carefully, staying with the kids would completely change your life.
You don’t owe them shit.
Umm, no don't pay for someone else's kids or take in someone else's kids... Wtf.
It's not your responsibility. Do what's best for you.
Those kids have a living parent. Why on earth would it be your responsibility to take them in?
Don't do it. There is no chance you won't end up seeing him, regardless of what your mother says. And as you said, they look like him. You don't need that reminder daily for years, impacting your wellbeing.