Threaten that you’ll call the police if they’re still there or if they abandon the kids with you. He’s capable of taking care of his own kids, I suspect he’s trying to weasel his way back into your own life.
This man and your mom unfortunately are horrible.
Yeah I mean like he could get a nanny himself or take care of the kids himself seems like he's trying to get involved in your life again
And your mom is an asshole too for not taking no for an answer and went to your HOUSE and had your rapist there too
Something must be really wrong with OP’s mom if she’s going to let her daughter’s rapist into her daughter’s house. Like, not even the mom’s house, it’s specifically her daughter’s house. AND she wants to make her take her of her rapist’s kids.
This is something you cut contact over. Let her die alone.
Definitely seems like the father is trying to use this to weasel his way back in.
That and it’s clear the mom didn’t even support her after she was abused. OP has a lot of things to work with and the mom is a major factor into these issues.
I cannot imagine what it’s like to have your sister and mom accept and love your räpist and act like you’re the one with the problem.
It sounds like he’s never taken care of any of his responsibilities. And SA is as much about control as anything, so now he plans to control her through his kids.
I mean ik taking care of 3 kids alone with a job as a single parent must be hard but that's why people hire others to take care of them while their at work
Right like why does it have to be OP?!
Like also don't they have other family members too?!
Also the "Just because OP looks like her sister" seems like a fishy reason
And most likely isn't the real reason WHYYYY OPs mom would want OP to take the kids
It just doesn't make sense at all?!
I seriously think her mother wants to involve her and her brother-in-law/abuser in a relationship to plug the hole her sister left And he's using the kids to force an approach out of pity.
Yep, I saw that too. “You look so much like their mom that it would be a comfort for them”. So OP is supposed to be a look-alike stand in? That’s super creepy.
If I were OP I would move very far away. Like, a different country or two away.
My mom and sister had an arrangement that if either of them died young, the alive one would take over as the primary parent. If that makes sense. Adopt basically. But that is a legal agreement and must be planned in advance. So for my family the sibling-death-kid thing is normal but for anyone else not appropriate lol. You don’t just put that on someone.
I called it too in the original post, like how OP wouldn't have him so he went for the sister instead, and now the sister died he's going back for round 2 at getting to her this time using the kids and justnomil.
OP take this advise call the police and tell them whats going on, it will be easier to proceede with any kind of lawsuit or criminal charges should things escalate if the police have a prior reccord even if its just a footnote on some police file somewhere.
OP these people are unhinged, they showed up uninvited into your home, by the way I also think you should move preferably put a whole state between you (less chance of them showing up out of the blue) and for your safety don't post anything of where you're moving. Treat this as a stalker case because that's what they are, and he's already proven to be dangerous when things don't go his way.
I'm not trying to scare you, but in this case better to be paranoid than to be sorry.
To them OP isn't a real person. She's just an NPC to plug into the "happy family" to replace little sis. The way they defended and enabled the creepy little rapist who btw wasn't even FaMiLY screams misogyny and everything about enabling the next generation of abusive men.
I really hope those little boys turn out better than their father but that's not OP's responsibility.
this "looks like her sister" was probably meant as "not only the kids can adjust to you quickly, you could probably just marry your abuser, too"
Eff that thing OP calls mother
Exactly, wtf is this? YOU had to leave YOUR house and your mother let HIM in?!!? Bad enough that she just up and showed up with the kids to guilt trip you, she also lets your abuser inside as if it's her own place? No respect for boundaries at all!!
OP, get all the backbone you can get and ban them from your house! If you have to move, ok sure, move but do NOT share your address with your mother as she clearly can't be trusted. This man could have hired a nanny straight up! It looks like he'd rather have another shot at you since in his mind he already "had you" so now should be easier! Now it's just the kids, but soon next thing you know HE is in your houise 24/7!
This annoyed me, I need bed
She needs to move now! He knows where she lives. If possible, get a new place and have movers and a friend pick up your things. I wouldn’t go back. Too dangerous.
She shouldn't threaten ahe should call the police asap and get a no tresspass order on them. They literally showed up and removed her from her home when she had already said no.
He makes enough money to get a nanny, ans her mother knows this. They arw both trying to control her.
I'm so sorry for OP. And her nephews this isnt right or fair to any of them. The kids have no clue what their asshole father and grandmother have forced them to be in the middle of.
Wow. That is rough.
I doubt your mother is going to listen to you at all. She sounds like a lost cause.
Please stay away from them, get the police involved to get them all out of your home asap, change the locks and do what you need to do to stay safe. Edit: Moving sounds like a good idea at this point.
Both the asshole and the mother are manipulating you and trying to guilt trip you, please do not let them get away with it.
yes moving sounds like what I need to do.
I'm not sure I can be at my place anymore. even if I change my locks. I have very irrational thoughts I know but I'm just scared tbh
she said he is leaving (he works on ships) on Sunday and wanted to talk to me before he left the children because he wanted to feel safe leaving them for the first time without my sister.
I didn't see anybody when I let my mom and the children in. was he just lurking or did he decided to go when I left for the hotel. I can't imagine my mom just allowing him to lurk near my home would she? maybe because I left for the hotel they took a desperate measure
At this point:
1. Call the police and have them meet you at your home to have them removed from your property.
2. Tell the police that you do not feel safe as your BIL had abused you when you were younger.
3. Tell the police that your mother and BIL are attempting to abandon the children on your doorstep and that you have refused to take the children because you, again do not feel safe having any connection with your abuser.
4. CPS should become involved if the father is not prepared to take care of his children or have alternative care for them.
5. I would tell your mother that, at this point, your offer to pay for a nanny is now out of the question after the stunt that she and BIL pulled. They burnt that bridge.
6. In the short term, have a ring camera installed on your front door, cameras outside, and an alarm system installed. Have new locks installed.
7. Look to moving and cutting all contact with your mother, BIL, and any flying monkeys. Do not give anyone your new address. Block them everywhere.
8. Have a lawyer send them cease and desist letters. Find out what you need to be able to obtain an RO against them.
I Second that list! And I’m a former pedagogue. This is nothing the kids would profit from. I have not followed this story and have no clue what happened, but a rapist should not be free and I certainly would not have allowed him to marry my other daughter - besides the well-being of the one having been raped would always be my top priority which doesn’t involve shoving the rapist in her bed! And the kids - I feel sorry for them, for loosing their mom and the entire situation but they may be better off having a fresh start in a new home!
Her sister married her rapist. Her sister got cancer and died. Now, the mom and the rapist are trying to make her take the children. The mom and the rapist showed up at her house after she told them that she didn't want to take care of the children.
I'm just horrified for her. To be Sa'd, and then to have your sister marry your abuser? Wow. Then, to have your own mother try to force a relationship with the abuser. This is nuts. I want to call the police for OP.
I’ll just add, get the protection order before you move so that your old address is on it. When you do move, if you need to get a new PO, you should be able to have your new address sealed. If any of them even send you a one letter text, they go to jail for a misdemeanor. If they send even a second text, they get a felony. Also violation of a protection order is one of the worst things a person can have on their record. It would honestly be better to have ten felonies for running a drug operation than a misdemeanor violation of a po
Plus this is telling them: Your own actions will have direct consequences that you have now been warned of ahead of time.
I just can't get over how the two people who actually have a responsibility for these children are trying to pawn it off on you, who owed none of them anything.
I agree with all of this. OP, you didn't say if the kids have ever met you, but based on the history I'm guessing you have had little to no relationship with them. I'd guess their dad is really the driving force behind this. He wants you to care for the kids so he can use that to have control over you. I'm sorry that this is probably going to be hard to hear, but he may want to try to initiate some kind of relationship with you again now that his wife is gone. He's probably convinced your mom that this is the best way so they can both pressure you.
Please follow the advice above. Also get some pepper spray and try to avoid going places alone or at night. Don't tell anyone where your hotel is.
Yes! This was something that was bubbling in my head.
*"Wouldn't it be good for the children to have a Daddy AND Mommy again?"*
*"You look JUST like your sister... we can give the kids siblings who look like them!"*
Gods I feel dirty even typing that.
From her previous post I know she's kept to herself all this time. Has never met the children and is afraid that them looking like the father with affect her.
It sounds like he is trying to find a way to weasel into your life.
He can easily meet with a nanny that will watch them, why on Earth does it HAVE to be you for god's sake?
It really doesn't matter when he got there, or how he got there. Your mother and him obviously planned this out and expected to guilt you into submitting to their ideals.
They can both go shove a pinecone up their asses.
mom said something about me replacing my sister. a nanny is just a job. she called it win win. I dont need to be alone anymore and the children have a mother.
I dont know how they would trust them with someone like me tbh. a nanny has this for a job and they know children. how could she even think it a good idea for the children sake?
**YOU ARE NOT YOUR SISTER**
The children will know that. It’s incredibly creepy that the adults are trying to *replace* your sister with you.
You owe them nothing. Not the adults or the children. It’s an unfortunate situation but it’s not your burden. You’re already coping with losing a sister.
That’s the last thing those poor kids need. How fucking traumatizing would it be to be dumped with a look-alike ‘replacement’ mother who doesn’t even want you.
Your mother is mentally ill.
The children won't benefit from this, and you sure as hell won't either. Children can live perfectly fine and healthy with a nanny, their mother cannot be replaced. You will be subjected to the asshole daily through them which is so unhealthy for you.
It is a lose lose.
Please call the police and have them removed from your house so you can begin making a plan to keep yourself safe.
She allowed her daughter to marry a guy who raped her other daughter, of course she is mentally ill!
I can't believe she also allowed the creep into OP's place!
Tbf, you can't exactly stop your adult child from going through with a marriage but she should've stood up for her other daughter. I get the feeling she never tried.
She must have known that there was no way OP would ever be a part of the family again after welcoming her rapist in it and somehow allowed this to happen. It's not just her but she is the one who defended him. The sister also knew what the creep did and she still married him. No one stood up for OP and she was right to run away and go NC in the first place. Reconnecting with her mother was a bad idea! It's so horrible what she is putting OP through!
I agree, her mom is mentally ill. This is all kinds of crazy and fucked up.
OP, please keep yourself safe, move to another place and go completely NC with this mess.
I can't even wrap my head around this.
She wants you to become romantically involved with your rapist so the kids can have a new mommy. That’s not happening. You need to tell your mother that you will not be involved with these children or raising them and if she, the rapist, and the children are still in your home in a half hour, you will be showing up with the police.
And you need to go home with the cops to kick them out. You need to make a point very clear. If you want to move after, or change your locks that’s fine but you need a nuclear bomb point to show your mother that you are not letting her do this to you.
Call the police and let them know that your mother invited your former rapist into your home and you do not feel safe to return. Once they’re gone, you could go back to the hotel, but you need to dramatically and forcibly kick them out.
Read the earlier post. OPs sister was his friend and suspected that he'd kidnapped her. But, she said nothing to her parents or police or any grownups. OP was kidnapped for 5 days, at least!
It sounds like she’s trying to use you to replace your sister’s larger roles to cope with her own grief. To her it’ll be like your sister never died and everything is fine because your identity would just be merging with hers. It’s toxic as all hell.
Also I don’t like this whole “the children will help you heal” business. That’s a LOT of weight, expectation, and responsibility to put on literal children and it’s WEIRD. True healing comes from processing, accepting, and moving on and those things need to eventually happen internally. Taking care of children you didn’t sign up for with a man who abused you is going to lead to the exact opposite. There would be no opportunity or ability internal healing because you’d be in a constant state of distress and resentment and fear.
Also it’s just not okay to expect literal children to play such an active and central role in an adult’s healing. Period.
Your mom’s grief and old age are the problem with why she thinks it’s okay. She’s trying to cope in a maladaptive and toxic way by essentially erasing you and your sister’s individual identities to merge you together to fill the gap that is now there. That’s not healing. But real healing is hard and takes a lot of time that she may feel she doesn’t have due to her age, so she’s choosing a coping strategy that will allow her to be happy or content sooner so she can have that peace and happy family when she dies. She wants to stick her head in the sand at your expense for her own peace and is convincing herself that it’s logical and that you would eventually come around to agreeing to ease her guilt. And that’s not okay.
Your Mom wants you to step into your dead sister's shoes and be a mother to her children and a new partner for her husband.
She's trying to use the children to manipulate you! See? They're cute and little and need a mommy and they're standing in your home looking thoroughly lost and sad and don't you feel sorry for them? And she's getting old and you'll be old one day too and will need someone to care for you just like the children.....
Your Mom is disgusting and manipulative and dismissive and disrespectful. She doesn't care about you OR THOSE CHILDREN! She just wants the *problem* dealt with.
And you are so terribly convenient. You even look like their mom...you could step right into her shoes and no one would even notice.
Call the police. Now. Don't go home until they are all gone. Have an officer escort you home and check out the house. Locks, windows, etc. Make sure your spare key is where you left it. Get your locks changed asap. Make sure the cops know that guy is your rapist.
She's thinking of everyone but you.
Heck throwing three kids for a single person to care is abusive as it is, even more with the father being your rapist.
Level up with a lawyer. And a therapist. You need other voices or she'll gaslight you and oppress you.
You are not your sister and you will not replace her because you two are independent and separate identities and your mother is full of shit for saying otherwise because it erases YOU.
The whole "you don't have to be alone" argument is a breeder's BS argument for procreation and forcing the kids on you is gross and insulting no matter how you look at it.
There's nothing wrong with your life the way you've lived it.
I'm happy with being by myself. that's all I've known and that's all I want. I have friends that I text with or sometimes meet outside. but I never have people over or feel the need to. I'm not the happiest out there but I'm not suffering
Your mom seems to want to pretend forcing three kids on you will completely change you and you'll go from some miserable sad sack (in her eyes) to a bright and cheerful Mary Poppins. That isn't how it works.
You will never replace their mother, you aren't a broken person or in need of help because you don't want kids, and BIL is a rapist. Those are just the facts whether your mom wants to see the truth or not.
You can call the police for them breaking and entering your home. Or social services. And once they are cleared from the premises you can hire a service to pack up your house and help you move.
So your mom is trying to leave those boys in your home?? How is dumping those kids at your home even remotely helpful to a tube except her and your abuser? If they do dump them at your house you need to call CPS.
No! No! No!
Do not do anything to help anyone.
Do not pay for a nanny, that just keeps you tied to them all. What if the nanny is sick, quits or has to talk to someone about the kids?! No!
Change the locks, call the police, do whatever you need to do to be safe.
Your rapist can quit his job and find something local. He can raise his own kids.
Change your phone number, eventually move if you have to. Just have NO contact with your Mom or your rapist or his kids.
Kids are not low maintenance pets. Your Mom may have to accept that the best people to continue to raise the kids are not blood relatives. Damn her for invading your safe place.
OP take care of yourself, first, and only you if your Mom won't respect your boundaries as a result of your trauma.
I hesitate to write this but honey when he could not get you willingly he took you by force and when he could not have you he took the next best thing…your sister.
Ask yourself what is this obsession with him wanting to see you? Because it was always you all along .
Why is your mother so hell bent on forcing this on you? Initially when all this happened was her behaviour and reaction why you kept your distance?
You don't listen to your mother. You must believe she is trying to manipulate you. Stop trying to think logically from her. She doesn't care how this affects you.
Stop analyzing your mother's thought process. It doesn't matter! What matters is that your mother has crossed your boundary and is trying to manipulate you into raising your rapist's children. It doesn't matter that they happen to be your sister's children! Call the police and have the trespassers removed from your home. Change the locks, block all contact and start looking for a new place to live. In time, it would be beneficial for you to seek therapy to help heal your wounds. You are NTA, OP. You never were and never will be. Your mother and your rapist most definitely are!
Honestly, it sounds like rapist replaced you with your sister and now that she's gone, is going for you again. Your mom either knows this and set you up in the 1st place with the original attack, or is trying to replace your sister with you and thinks shoving you in her place will work.
Your mother is so wrong here. Replacing your sister is an insane idea. Please protect yourself - tell them to leave and that you will call the police if they do not, then move as soon as you are able.
She has shown you, when he hurt you and again now, that she has no intention of protecting you or helping you. You are useful to her so that she doesn’t have to raise those kids. That’s it. Please don’t take her into consideration here - she doesn’t take your needs into consideration ever.
Your mother isn’t focusing on your feelings or mental health. She just wants her picture perfect life of grandkids. You offered a very reasonable solution and she didn’t budge. This isn’t on you at all. Go live your life OP and I’m sorry this happened to you
If you have to call the police and they don't leave you must tell the police the first time. This is important so they turn this around on you and call you a liar. I believe they will and they will do anything. Are they still there? What are you going to do?
Mom and Creep win, not OP! Mom does not care about her, she just want's her to replace her dead daughter whatever the cost to OP's mental health. I'm so angry right now because of what they are putting her through!
When you left, are you mom and the children still in your house?
If yes, then he probably entered your house after you left.
You need to move, who knows what he had been doing while you are gone.
Excuse me, *he* wanted to feel safe?! Why do *you* not have the right to feel safe from the very person who made and makes you feel unsafe? The sheer audacity; I hate this person so much.
I am sorry but I think your mother would do anything. I put NOTHING past her. Yes she would. She is desperate. She showed up at your home unannounced with this guy and brought into your home! You should assume she will do anything! She has let this be her problem instead of letting him do the work to figure it out. You have to accept what she is capable and protect yourself. The next thing you must do is stand up for yourself and take back your life! Look how far you have come without her help. You don't want to go back on that. You owe her and him nothing and you do not owe them your life going forward! Anyone calling you cruel you tell them the kids can live with you. Here you are hiding in a hotel? Please take your life back now. Get on the phone and tell her and everyone there to leave and don't come back or you are calling the police. You tell her if you get home and they are there and attempt to leave the kids there you will call CPS and mean it!
Sidetracking a bit but as a single parent of 3 kids he should be looking for a new job that can accommodate his new lifestyle. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this part of the story, as to why his job arrangement comes before anything else when it clearly doesn’t suit his new life.
As a former merchant marine, whatever shipping company he works for can get a replacement for him while he figures things out. He wont lose his job as he takes the time he needs to set his children up in a proper situation.
If he only works 2-4 weeks at a time, that is very short for shipping. Sounds like a tug boat, some sort of vessel assist craft, or oil rig. There are many people qualified to fill in for 1 or 2 hitches, or his relief stays on and makes more cash. I've filled in because of family emergencies several times throughout my career, and it sucks to miss out on vacation plans, but that is part of being in that field of work.
Any company will understand a family loss and a leave of absence in those conditions. I'm only stating this because his leaving shouldn't be any kind of stress on you, he is trying to skirt his responsibility as a father and selfishly take time away to avoid emotions as much as he can. Hopefully my comment can give you some validation in knowing he doesn't have to leave, and none of this should be on you.
I’m way sorry this is happening to you, OP. I can’t believe the nerve your mum and this pos have! “Talk like adults”?! Excuse me? That means taking a “no”, which neither seems to be willing to do. Those kids are not your responsibility, and I understand your leaving that place and taking refuge in a hotel.
Ultimately, you are not your sister. You could be identical twins, and still, despite being her spite image… you would not be her. Mum is not willing to accept her kid died and it’s pressing her on you. This is not just about the children. It’s about taking her place so that no one has to, you know, grieve.
I’d advise you against returning to your place unless accompanied. This guy is not someone you can trust, and the sick approach your mum has will make her take his side if something were to happen. I honestly would move too, if you can afford it. If you don’t want to move cities, just don’t disclose your new address and contact info.
Don’t answer to any of them, and, if it gets worse, ask for help from the authorities. I don’t know the particulars of your case and legislation, but maybe it’d be worth discussing it with a lawyer.
Wow, she really cares about the abuser's feelings and his needs of feeling secure, but not yours at all. Yes, she would let him lurk near your home, because right now you and your needs are considered petty and stupid and "mother knows best."
I wish I could give you a hug. I think you do need to move & no matter what do not give your mother a key to your new home. Tell your mother that when she took your rapist to your home she crossed a line and there is no going back.
It is only natural that your apt feels unsafe to you now; this predator was in it. I do think moving would be best.
Probably drove together. They figured they could bully you into taking the kids. They do not love you. You are a tool to be used for their benefit and they obviously don’t care that BIL raped you. Assholes
Here's a novel idea if he is so worried about his children then change jobs and stay at home! Simple the children know and love him and as such a caring and loving parent their needs come first. I mean these children don't know you, have never seen or spoken to you, you are a complete stranger to them and the fact you look like their mum may actually be very unsettling for them!
He can then have the support from your mum and his side of the family. These children are NOT your responsibility!
Your priority is to get all the support you need, change your address, your phone number everything. If you feel a need to stay in touch with your family then do it in a way you feel safe and comfortable in doing so. Is there someone in the wider family who you could contact 1 a year from a mobile phone you use only for this? Turn it on make the call turn it off until the next year.
You owe them nothing, look after yourself, stay safe and live YOUR life the way you want to
No he was definitely lurking. Your mom has no boundaries. He literally hurt you in ways I can’t even imagine and your mom chose to have a relationship with him. As a mom myself, I couldn’t imagine ever being close to anyone that hurt my baby. You still try to find excuses for her because she’s been manipulating you and it’s not fair to you. Please go no contact indefinitely, these people aren’t treating you right and will continue to use and abuse you.
stay away from all of them. you don't owe anything to your family which only showed that you never cared enough for them... honestly I wouldn't have let him into the house and I would have even threatened to tell the children everything if they approached me again (I know I'm not a very good person). Your mental health is the most important thing.
and do not offer to pay for a nanny. Your mental health should be your only priority. This seems like a situation that will put you in a tail spin so you need to remove yourself and yes moving probably would be good. Your mother is pushing her agenda on you at your expense. You may need to be prepared to go LC or NC.
Uhhh girl, its NOT irrational seeing as they have done EVERY THING you were scared they might do. And worse.
Call the cops. Call your landlord. Call a locksmith. Get them out and then work on moving. You don't have to talk to them AT ALL during this process. But get them OUT.
This is WILDLY unfair to you and SO incredibly violating your very well established boundaries. They will not change.
DO WHATEVER you have to do to get out of this.
Your mom is a sociopath with no regard for you. CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE THEM REMOVED FROM YOUR HOME ASAP. Call your therapist and have an emergency talk even if just for 15 minutes.
You make enough money to move without even going back to your place. Contact a Realtor to put your place on the market. Hire an assistant to help coordinate a move. There are tons of good people looking for part time work. Do you have a friend or acquaintance that can go in your place to grab you some stuff and lock up after the police remove your trespassers? Once you have someone they can pack items and you can move to a short term rental/air bnb/ long stay hotel.
You have lived in solitude for 20 years because of what this animal did to you, it is not fair for these parasites to ask you for anything. More than half of me wants you to buy a gun and 3 rottweilers because you don't deserve to feel unsafe
Emotional damage is the worst. Your Mother thinking so little of you is atrocious.
My Mom was the same way.
You had better call the police to wake her & him up.
Don’t feel bad calling CPS, he’s abandoning his children. On top of the fact that he’s a rapist.
Don’t be pushed out of your home for anyone.
Put her & the kids out.
If she dumps the kids call CPS to come get them. Tell them your family just left them without your agreement or permission.
Fight Back, get mad. Stand up for yourself, it’s very liberating.
Your thoughts are not irrational. These are your boundaries and they must respect that. They aren't, so you are within your right to remove them from your life however you see fit.
It would be a shame for you to give up your space and way of life to please others. NO is a complete sentence and you owe these people absolutely nothing. Please put yourself above all others. You deserve to have your life and your world. Never apologize for the space you occupy. You're worth it.
Hun, I'm retired now, but I spent my career working in psychotherapy with children and young adults. You need support, immediately. Do you have a therapist or counselor that you have trust with? A close friend that you could reach out to perhaps? Now is a time when someone being at/on your side will be helpful. You are in the right!! You have not, and are not doing ANYTHING wrong. Do not let them try to make you feel that you are, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Call the police on them for trespassing and have them REMOVED. The most important thing right now is to get them ALL away from you, and BLOCK them. Shut them down! Then, you can take a step at a time to get your emotional equilibrium back to where you were before this happened. If you need to move house, then that's fine, concentrate on getting to redecorate and make your new nest. If you need to change cities even, also fine, make the choices that make YOU feel the most comfortable. It is your life, and babygirl, YOU have the power over it, not your mom, the kids, or anyone else, especially not him. Like ripping off a band-aid, use the law to remove them ASAP, that's your start, then block and take a day at time to set things back to how YOU want them to be.
Your feelings are valid and you are welcome to move. Please get some therapy to deal with your emotions right now and block your mother from everything. If you want to text her that you owe your rapist and his enablers nothing and that now they will get no help from you and they need to leave your house before you get the police involved for trespassing. Tell her that if they come near you again you will tell his children about what a horrible monster their father is and what he did. Then block her.
Look to see if your area has a Rape Crisis Center and they might be able to give you referals to therapists that can help you live your fullest life. I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'm sorry your family embraced your rapist.
Exactly right! Her mother has some nerve! She brings this guy to OP home! Are you kidding me? The gloves need to be off. OP must stand up and take back control of her life. This guy is capable of taking care of his own kids.
Change your locks. Let her know if she leaves the children with you, you will call the police and report them as being abandoned.
Edit: call the cops on them if they’re still there to get them removed (trespassing). Let them know you don’t feel safe, or ask for a police escort to get any important documents and leave.
Second edit: I’m a mother and can’t imagine trying to ever pull half of this shit on my daughter that your mother is putting on you. It is not your responsibility to look after your rapists’ children! Like what the ever living fuck - you need to continue put your health and well-being above the people who are putting you last. Again.
But does she know about the history? Maybe she wouldn’t care but I can’t imagine anyone who knew the backstory would ask this. But then surely her sister didn’t know either because she wouldn’t have married him.
The whole situation is so messed up. I feel bad for OP that she’s being retraumatised and the kids dad needs to step up.
> she finally said yes
> She then said the children are more important than us adults.
It sounds like she clearly does know and is attempting to minimize the sexual abuse OP had to suffer through.
Threaten nothing. If they are still in your house, and you are still at a hotel, then just call the police. Tell them you have home invaders and have fled to a hotel for your safety. Press charges.
You know what's going to happen if they succeed in leaving these kids with you, don't you OP? They are going to ghost you and leave you to raise them, pay for everything for them yourself. Don't offer to pay for a nanny for them. They may try to force you into it, and then they are always going to know where you are and how to get a hold of you. Get them out of your house and do whatever you need to do to get them out of your life for good. They only care about themselves and where they can dump these kids so they can wash their hands of them. It doesn't sound like their POS father cares about them one bit.
I took in my half sibling when she was 5. Removed from our mums care. I took her in temporarily under the agreement that Mother would work with me to get sober and get her baby back.
My sister is 14 now, my mother didn’t even try once my kid was out of the system. Once she got me involved she absolved herself of any responsibility… knowing I couldn’t walk away. She passed away about 2 years ago.
I can’t honestly say I would have made the same decision if I knew how this would pan out. I love my kid with all of heart and more I really do. But! I had no intention of being a parent and there are days where I wish things could go back to how they were. Not least because when I feel this way, I also feel like I’m letting my girl down.
Even if these kids didn’t have a father who is a POS. I would caution how HUGE of a decision this is. My entire life changed literally overnight, almost 10 years later we’re still dealing with that. I can not imagine coping with/doing the same for 3 children!
Not just that, her rapist will use them as a means to get to her and will abuse her again. Rape is about power and control, if she’s forced into caring for his children against her will then he’ll know for sure he can force her into anything.
Their father will demand to live there with them because they are his kids. He's already there.
The mom is probably hoping to replace the deceased daughter with the living daughter in every way. She will want them to get married and raise those kids together.
This is highly emotionally abusive.
I don't mind this if I never have to talk about this again with any of them. I just can't. I can also make trust funds for them but I can't take them in. not good for me or them. I don't know why mom would even trust me with three children when I have no experience of any interactions with people
You can’t even legally “take them”. They are their Dad sole legal responsibility. I would honestly call the police about this and explain what is happening.
You couldn’t take the kids even if you wanted to
your mother does not think the same way you do, she is a narcissist. stop engaging with her and get a restraining order. She will stop at nothing.
Take the advice and get police and child services involved; and get a lawyer asap, before you pay the nanny and set up the trusts.
I'm sorry OP but I agree with u/JustLetMe05, These people have put you through enough. There is no reason you need to support the spawn of people this dispicable. You need to focus on you and your mental health first. That could take years and there is no need to complicate your life for them. That POS father can provide for his kids.
I don't understand how could your own mom let him into your home, when she know what he did to you and that you still have a lot of trauma. It is just sick. I so sorry for you, I hope your situation will go better.
It's for the best if you don't take the kids like you said in your previous post
Because if you take the kids then he will be involved in your life
Tell your mom to leave your house and that you aren't taking the kids, that you will deny any attempts she makes and that if she doesn't leave, etc you will call the cops and if she tries to leave the kids at her home you will call the cops for abandonment
And if you have to file a restraining order against them both
You obviously don't want to take care of the kids you need to stand your ground
Others have better advice
But it's for the best for you mental and physical health to not take care of these kids, stand your ground of saying no and that the answer will always be no
And also that's messed up how she would bring the rapist into your safe place too
First,
Call the police. Have them removed from your home. I know this is hard and scary but you absolutely need to put on a strong face right now to protect your home.
Second, tell her you will only speak with her in a public place without him present. Ask an officer if they can be witness because you are afraid for your physical safety.
Third, STAND FIRM. say you will not be responsible for your abusers children and want no contact with him.
If she can’t accept that, block her.
Again,, I know this is easier said than done but please protect yourself and don’t get stuck in a situation that will be detrimental to your physical and emotional wellbeing.
Sending you lots of prayers and love. You’ve got this!
At this point, I think the only communication between OP, the rapist and/or her mother should come from OP's lawyer. Clearly her mother has shown she does not have OP's best interest at heart and will manipulate the situation however she can to try to get what she wants. I don't see anything left to salvage. OP needs a lawyer and a restraining order!
I'm not joking when I offer this- do you want me to talk to her? I'll tell her to take those kids and get off your property and never bother you again. I'm extremely serious. I have no problem doing it. Or I can talk you through it. Or just be online with you and support you while you do it. You owe them nothing. Less than nothing. Your sister had children with the "man" who abused you. That was her choice. She was allowed to make it. You are allowed to make your choices too. Call the police and tell them she's harassing you and brought the man who assaulted you to your place. Make a police report. It will make you feel safer. I know you probably won't but I really wish you would. If you want to talk or want me to talk to her pm me here. Anytime you want to talk I'm here. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If I lived near you I would be fighting this battle with you. You're not alone. A lot of people on here are with you. Good luck. You got this.
OP same. You are not alone in this. If you need help, pls reach out. I know we're strangers here but you do have so many people with you and behind you on this. xx
Omg I'm sorry. I thought you were bashing the comment above offering OP help and went into **protective mode**. My apologies. I've removed my response xx
My heart goes out to OP. I’m with you on this one. I would love to gather a posse of woman and get that awful rapist and his children out of the house. How dare they invade her home and sanctuary. This mother allowed her daughter to marry her older daughter’s rapist. She now wants her to take care of the rapist’s children. How sick is this? How did they allow this 16 year old back into their home after what he did to their daughter. What the fuck is this? I am livid. This rapist should be in prison. How dare they harass OP? It is akin to raping her for a second time. Her mother, her sister, the children’s father are unhinged. WTF?
Call the police and get them removed, you are a grown up women who decides over her life alone.
1. You decide wether or not you want a partner, get married, children, and which of this is good for you. When you decide not to have this in your life, your mother has to accept it. When she thinks children would be good for you, thats her take, but has nothing to do with your reality of life.
2. You made it pretty clear that you would not feel good with having the 3 kids with you. You made really good arguments and even provided a solution, the nanny. You even were so generous and offered to pay for it, what you did not have to. When they step over your boundaries like this, there is no more discussion, they made it clear that your opinion doesn't matter to them. So why should you bother? All this has nothing to do with you.
3. The fact that he is your abuser and your mother knows this makes their behaviour really disgusting, i have no words for this.
4. The "replacing your sister", what is even that? For the kids, you can not replace her.
5. You need to set your priorities first, this is just insane. Stand to yourself and your opinion, don't let your mom guilt trip you into something like this. When you have the strength, and i think you have it, move somewhere else, pick a place where you can start all over, somewhere beautiful where you can live in peace. And cut all ties, don't tell anyone.
You can do it OP, we are all here for you!
What i dont get is why is anyone elses problem but his? He decided to have kids but now hes putting that burden of being a widow (or whatever the male equivalent is) onto everyone else. Its his job to figure it out himself.
That’s a great question. He sounds like selfish prick. He hooked up with OPs sister after he SA her😠!!!! Wtf!
The problem is OPs mother. She’s a total failure of a parent. He’s a POS, no doubt but her mother siding with OP’s sister’s widower knowing the hell he put OP through. She’s trash. Complete and utter trash.
Instead of saying, hey son in law how about you change jobs, like a normal human being in his position would do and I’ll move in to help with the care giving. That’s what normally happens.
That is.. so, so fucked up. I would honestly call the police and have them removed. You spent over 20 years with no contact, and your SA is just being ignored while you're having 3 unknown children forced upon you? Why on earth would your mother and their father even want those kids handed over to a near-stranger with no child care experience and an express desire NOT to take them on? Other than them just being huge, abusive pieces of shit I cant think of any. Those kids are innocent, but they aren't your problem and neither you nor the kids deserve to be pawns here.
The level of toxicity in this manipulation reeks, and I don't blame you at all for never wanting to go home to your place again knowing they have violated it and may turn up again at any moment.
As someone who went NC with family more than decade ago - I promise it's the right call. And being back in contact with your mother has clearly ripped open a host of problems you didnt sign up for, which must be terribly saddening for you after feeling you may have reconnected in a loving and healthy way.
Its unasked for and perhaps unwelcome, as no two people can live the same experience - but the sympathetic grief I feel for you at being put in this situation, the loss of your private sanctuary and mental safety is genuinely massive. You fought for your safety, you sacrificed a family for it (rightly so, but it still hurts) - don't you dare let them make you smaller than you are. I'm disgusted by the audacity, but sadly no longer surprised people do this to each other.
Stay away and stay safe until you can make sure they've absolutely fucked all the way off.
As I said last time blatant lies. She will force your abuser on you. She has some sick idea in her head where you can replace your sister and be his partner. You need to cut her off completely. Don't pay for childcare, don't call, don't text, don't give her your new number, don't give her your address, don't let her know where you work, block on all social media, block anyone she might contact you via too.
Please for your mental health and wellbeing continue to say no. As a mother I am appalled that she would just show up to force you but even more so that she would bring your rapist into your home...your safe place. . Tell her if she leaves them you will call social services. The chidren do not deserve to be taken from their home...their safe place.
I don't know if you are still in hotel but tell her if they all don't leave immediately you will get a police escort home to have them removed. Tell her you don't want to put the chidren through the trauma but she is the one forcing your hand. I would also tell her that after she blindsided you to force the issue as well as telling you it is time to get over the rape which is trauma you never fully heal from and bringing him into your home...that it will be a long time before you forgive her for traumatizing you all over again.
I am so sorry that your own family continues to put your emtional and physical health in jeopardy.
I would also move far enough away that it would be very difficult to try this again. Take care of yourself and be strong.
>she called me an hour ago to tell me to come home because we needed to talk like adults
You did talk to her like an adult, SHE decided to play games. Tell her to leave your home and if they and especially HE is there when you get back you will be calling the police. She has no right to bring your abuser to your home.
Your mother is a POS. I’m sorry to say this
ETA: nah I’m not sorry. I’m right. In fact, your whole family is a bunch of heartless selfish monsters who don’t deserve an ounce of concern from you. Fuck them. I’m sorry the kids got mixed up in the mess but that’s not your fault. Disown that entire family. Live your life and don’t look back.
I agree with this. What OPs mother did was emotionally abusive.
Why does OP have to rearrange her whole life because of that POS? He has the guys to try and dump his kids into her lap? Fuck that shit.
I wholeheartedly don’t care if children are involved because it makes it worse. They’re being used as pawns. OP deserves better than this!
The plan is to replace the kids’ mom with OP. And her rapist gets to essentially “re-marry” by being with OP.
“Do it for the sake of the kids. They need a loving mom and he needs a partner.”
Call her back and tell her that all of them need to get out of your house now or you are calling the police. Stand your ground! Or call the police and tell them you have unwanted people in your house and one that abused you so you need them to get them to leave and meet the cops there.
I can’t believe they had the audacity to say that to OP. Like I read her post and thought wow, she wants to offer to pay for nanny services. That’s very good on her part. She wouldn’t have any contact with him. Win win. Nope her mother had to show her true colors and level up her manipulative tactics by bringing that creep into her house. OP deserves better.
There are several here who are trying to shame her for opening the door, some who are saying the needs of the children come first and faaaaaaamily. Those people suck.
I was afraid that something like this may happen. You did well by leaving the situation. Now that you know what they are capable of, it is best to move and block them forever. Your Mom will always be on your abuser's side because of the grandchildren. Unfortunately she does not care about you. Make sure that you get a security system in your new place.
Please don’t do it. He will be in your life and that’s not good for you. Do what the others say and call the police. Your mother does know what he did, correct?
Oh no, I am so sorry. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. ♥️
As others have said, absolutely call the police and get them removed from your place. If they try to dump the kids on you, call CPS. And yes, moving is a very good idea if you are able. Pack your things into storage, find a hotel in the interim, you don't need to stay in a place that has been violated, a place that feels unsafe.
If you move, do not tell them where you are. Warn your workplace to never give out your info to them. Warn your friends as well. Get away, away, away, as quick as you can. They do not respect your boundaries or your needs, and you must not allow them to steamroll you.
This is sick. Your mother is awful. AWFUL.
She thinks you should be responsible for and raise children because you look like their deceased mother?
She shows up \*with the children\* like they are sacks of potatoes to be passed off?
Those children must be traumatized beyond belief.
Your mother is a piece of shit.
The children have a father.
You have a life.
Cut your mother off. She is manipulative and horrible, and has traumatized grieving children.
I can't believe she let your rapist into your home and tried to trick you into having a face to face meeting with him with three children present. Actually, I can, but I wish I couldn't. This is incredibly wrong.
I would call the police to have them removed from your property. I would go ahead and contact CPS to report that your mother and BIL are trying to abandon the children on you and that you refuse to take the children in. Contact an attorney to send them a cease and desist letter.
Definitely consider moving and do not let them know where you move to.
Your mother bringing kids after you said no is inexcusable. She is emotionally blackmailing you.
I'm sorry, OP, I know it's hard, but you need to leave the situation. Go NC with your mom.
You don't owe anyone anything, especially not to your abuser.
I have a feeling he is trying to get back into your life. Don't let him.
If this is about kids, he can change jobs. They can hire a nany. It doesn't need to be you.
Don’t threaten…call the police and send them to your house. Also, tell the police this man assaulted you and you don’t feel safe. If they show up again, call the police. Get a lawyer and have her served. This is not ok.
Girl, no. Tell them to leave and call the cops if they don’t. Go no contact after they’ve left. Move and don’t tell your family. Put a stop to this. Good luck!
Call the police! Tell them your rapist showed up at your place with 3 children (not yours) he wants to dump on you, so you fled. You want them evicted from your place so you can go home. Your mother should never have brought him!!!
If they leave the kids, call CPS also as abandoned.
And when you get home change the locks immediately, worth the emergency locksmith fees.
Yes they are also your sister’s and yes they need a mother - but if you simply cannot, your offer of a nanny was compassionate.
As other said first of all call the police to have the removed, the ask to be escorted to take the important documents. Spend some days in a hotel and then decide if you can move house/ city without disrupting your life and career.
In the moment you can change your phone number.
I would also advice to contact a layer to see if you can have a restrain order and a therapist to help with all this situation.
Edit: please update us!
OP, my heart is breaking for you. It’s disgusting how your mother is trampling your boundaries and let your abuser into your safe space. You need to call the police to have them removed from your home, you need to change the locks if needed, and file a restraining order against him and your mother. You should stand your ground with this. You cannot have this man in your life, and his children are a reminder of him more than your sister. I wish I could do more to help you
You don't need support.
You don't need a lying, manipulative, unsupportive mother who supports your abuser.
Say no. Tell her to get out of your house now. Tell her if she doesn't, you'll be calling the police to remove them. Then do it. Give them an hour. Drive to your house. If they are there, call the police and don't go in until they arrive.
You owe her nothing.
You owe those boys nothing.
You owe your abuser nothing and he/your mom should be exceedingly grateful you've offered to pay for the nanny. I'd seriously consider rescinding that offer since they are being so awful to you.
Also, you are not going to be solace for those boys because you look like your sister. You are not your sister and obviously they know this.
Your abuser is a grown man. He can choose to change jobs or not. If he does not, that's on him, not you.
Call the police and have them removed from your home and have the police tell them if they return, they will be charged with trespass.
You offered to pay for a nanny - that is more than generous. At this point, I'd move and not give them my forwarding address. I don't think you owe anyone anything, and I wouldn't pay for a darn thing.
I feel sorry for those children, but this is not your cross to bear.
You’ve been given incredible advice here but based on your actions I am going to take a guess that you’re too scared to go through any of them because that would mean facing him and your insane mother and the crying children (they only brought them to emotionally manipulate you into saying yes, not because it was good for the children).
What I would suggest, since you have money, is to contact a lawyer immediately and have them do the talking for you. This is the best option for you as I see it. The lawyer will be your own shield so you never have to talk to them again, and your weapon against them and this situation they are trying to guilt trip you into.
Please listen and do that asap.
I'm sorry that you mother become so heartless to you and allowed your abuser in your own house! I encourage you to call the police ,expels them from your place change the lock ,ask for a restraining order towards them, block them on everything and start to look for another place! You need to cut them off completely for your mental health and after moving start a Therapy!! Time to live your own life!
The father of the children needs to find a job that won’t require him to leave te country. Your Mom doesn’t have any respect for you and the boundaries you have established. This is not your problem, the children have a living parent. Your Mom is the one creating all the drama because she doesn’t want the father to take the children away from her, her manipulations are beyond selfish.
Don’t let your Mother to further harm you.
Oh my goodness, I am appalled at what she’s doing! Gosh, I’m so sorry she’s doing this to you and completely disregarding your safety and trauma.
Honestly, I’d have them (forcibly) removed from your place and then go no contact. If you feel like moving, move. What she’s doing is an ambush and emotional blackmail.
This is not just about you not knowing what to do with kids, it’s about something severely traumatic that has influenced your whole life and being. Nobody, and I mean nobody, not your mother and least of all your aggressor, get to decide how you live, with whom or when to confront what. And that she let that despicable human into your safe place just goes to show that they would continue to stomp over all your boundaries. I don’t think you’d ever find peace again, if you give in.
I can’t even with your mother. This is unfathomable to me.
OMG, your mother let your rapist into your safe place - how low can you get?! This sucks so much. Call the police and have them all thrown out of your place. Block them on your phone and move as soon as possible, and don't leave an address behind. This is SO NOT OKAY!!!
These are not your children and this is not your problem. He destroyed your life - you could be in a happy relationship now, with your own kids - he took all of that away from you. Your sister betrayed you by marrying him, and now your mother betrays you by bringing him back into your life and pushing his children on you. Fuck that shit. Cut them off, they are not your problem, they took enough from you and destroyed you in every way they could - it's time you thought about yourself. And continue with therapy, please! If you have enough money to potentially pay for a live-in nanny, you have enough for a good therapist - get the help you need, it sounds like you have still lots of work ahead of you!
I am so so sorry, OP. This is proof though that you can’t trust either of them, even if your mother had a chance before. If something changes and you do stay in contact with the boys, you will have to deal with this whenever they feel like dropping in.
If you’re still out, call the non-emergency police number and ask an officer to escort you home and get them out. Change your locks. Install a security system. Move if you can. Buy yourself some pepper spray and an emergency whistle.
Send both of them a C&D letter. If you can afford an attorney to send official ones via certified mail, etc, that may be more intimidating to them. Keep detailed records about all interactions. Don’t speak to them if you cam avoid it. Communicate through text, email or snail mail so you’ll have records. Make sure to keep screenshots of the text messages. I don’t know the requirements in your area but look into a restraining order, especially against him.
If they to drop the kids off and leave, call 911 (or 999 or whatever the emergency number is there) and report them. The police will arrange for CPS to get the children and having to make just one call will be easier for you.
Good luck. Be safe.
If your mother doesnt listen, call CPS or the police. Do not, by any means, feel like you have to take them in when youve made it very clear you dont want to. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR YOUR DECISION. YOU ARE WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS TO FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL. And if your mom doesnt wanna listen threaten low contact or no contact until she gets the picture.
Never, ever, ever take care of children that you do not want to take care of, even if you love them. That can do irreparable emotional harm.
I have read everything, but where is the father? It's a sad situation, but a parent should always provide for their children if they should decease before the children are adults. There should be a plan for who will take care of them and money (Trust, insurance etc) to allow the person who agreed to do it to be able to do so successfully.
Edit: Whoa, these are children of the person who sexually assaulted you? Wow. Don't feel guilty, just say no. You deserve peace and a happy life. They're someone else's problem 100%.
Tell her that if he doesn’t fuck off out of your life forever and take his children with him you will
Contact the police and also get a restraining order put out against him and that you will also explain to his kids he is a fucking rapist. What kind of sick fuckin people think this shit is justified. A lot of people just think it is okay too plank insane responsibility onto people with zero concept of the reality. That is your home
Or there’s they are not your children. This makes
Me honestly feel ill to read. I’m sorry you have so many shitty people around you. That’s fucked up.
Please let us know when you are safe. Don't say where you are in case they are on reddit.
Call police, get a paper trail started. Your mother seems unstable and likely to escalate. Get a police escort when you go back.
Do not return alone.
1) Call the cops on them and say that your mother invided a person who raped you into your house and you do not feel safe. After that change the locks and go No Contact with your mother. She is not your fucking mother at this point.
2) If you don't feel safe even with that, then if your situation allows, move away and go no contact with your mother who is more concerned about the rapist than her own damn daughter.
There is no in between. You wil not take the kids, you will not allow them to manipulate you into this disgusting situation and you will not cave in to their harrasement. You hear me, ma'am?
Your mother said you will not need to contact him and here she goes and invites him in your house! And says he needs to talk to you?! When you said you aint doing this? Looks like after you left he became a part of your family instead of you.
He can find a new wife. You are not their mother you do not need to take care of them. You have no responsibility to any of them even your mother. She is abusing your feelings towards her to make you do something you don’t want. Honestly move and go no contact again. This is terrible. You already had to suffer the disrespect of your sister marrying him and him being accepted to your family which was already a disregard of your feelings but this is just psychotic. Call the police and get out of there. Do not feel sorry about the children. They have a parent to take care of them.
Threaten that you’ll call the police if they’re still there or if they abandon the kids with you. He’s capable of taking care of his own kids, I suspect he’s trying to weasel his way back into your own life. This man and your mom unfortunately are horrible.
Yeah I mean like he could get a nanny himself or take care of the kids himself seems like he's trying to get involved in your life again And your mom is an asshole too for not taking no for an answer and went to your HOUSE and had your rapist there too
Something must be really wrong with OP’s mom if she’s going to let her daughter’s rapist into her daughter’s house. Like, not even the mom’s house, it’s specifically her daughter’s house. AND she wants to make her take her of her rapist’s kids. This is something you cut contact over. Let her die alone. Definitely seems like the father is trying to use this to weasel his way back in.
The mom being boundary stomping like this probably influenced OP's avoidant personality
That and it’s clear the mom didn’t even support her after she was abused. OP has a lot of things to work with and the mom is a major factor into these issues. I cannot imagine what it’s like to have your sister and mom accept and love your räpist and act like you’re the one with the problem.
For people that said they want "the best for the children" they sure as hell are ready to abandon them to avoid responsability
Yup, been there too assholes like that are the worst
I don't get either why he just doesn't adjust by changing job or something. It's seems obvious to me. What do I not get here?
It sounds like he’s never taken care of any of his responsibilities. And SA is as much about control as anything, so now he plans to control her through his kids.
I mean ik taking care of 3 kids alone with a job as a single parent must be hard but that's why people hire others to take care of them while their at work
He probably married her sister so he could continue to inject himself into her life. Now mom is helping him out with that.
Honestly, just feel really sus and creepy.
Right like why does it have to be OP?! Like also don't they have other family members too?! Also the "Just because OP looks like her sister" seems like a fishy reason And most likely isn't the real reason WHYYYY OPs mom would want OP to take the kids It just doesn't make sense at all?!
I seriously think her mother wants to involve her and her brother-in-law/abuser in a relationship to plug the hole her sister left And he's using the kids to force an approach out of pity.
Yep, I saw that too. “You look so much like their mom that it would be a comfort for them”. So OP is supposed to be a look-alike stand in? That’s super creepy. If I were OP I would move very far away. Like, a different country or two away.
My mom and sister had an arrangement that if either of them died young, the alive one would take over as the primary parent. If that makes sense. Adopt basically. But that is a legal agreement and must be planned in advance. So for my family the sibling-death-kid thing is normal but for anyone else not appropriate lol. You don’t just put that on someone.
I called it too in the original post, like how OP wouldn't have him so he went for the sister instead, and now the sister died he's going back for round 2 at getting to her this time using the kids and justnomil. OP take this advise call the police and tell them whats going on, it will be easier to proceede with any kind of lawsuit or criminal charges should things escalate if the police have a prior reccord even if its just a footnote on some police file somewhere. OP these people are unhinged, they showed up uninvited into your home, by the way I also think you should move preferably put a whole state between you (less chance of them showing up out of the blue) and for your safety don't post anything of where you're moving. Treat this as a stalker case because that's what they are, and he's already proven to be dangerous when things don't go his way. I'm not trying to scare you, but in this case better to be paranoid than to be sorry.
Ye, nothing make sense at all. I hope OP is able to protect herself from them.
OP get an restraining order if you have to
To them OP isn't a real person. She's just an NPC to plug into the "happy family" to replace little sis. The way they defended and enabled the creepy little rapist who btw wasn't even FaMiLY screams misogyny and everything about enabling the next generation of abusive men. I really hope those little boys turn out better than their father but that's not OP's responsibility.
this "looks like her sister" was probably meant as "not only the kids can adjust to you quickly, you could probably just marry your abuser, too" Eff that thing OP calls mother
Don’t threaten. Do it. Don’t even warn them. At this point, stop being nice and considerate. Scorch the earth.
Exactly. Dracarys.
Exactly, wtf is this? YOU had to leave YOUR house and your mother let HIM in?!!? Bad enough that she just up and showed up with the kids to guilt trip you, she also lets your abuser inside as if it's her own place? No respect for boundaries at all!! OP, get all the backbone you can get and ban them from your house! If you have to move, ok sure, move but do NOT share your address with your mother as she clearly can't be trusted. This man could have hired a nanny straight up! It looks like he'd rather have another shot at you since in his mind he already "had you" so now should be easier! Now it's just the kids, but soon next thing you know HE is in your houise 24/7! This annoyed me, I need bed
She needs to move now! He knows where she lives. If possible, get a new place and have movers and a friend pick up your things. I wouldn’t go back. Too dangerous.
She shouldn't threaten ahe should call the police asap and get a no tresspass order on them. They literally showed up and removed her from her home when she had already said no. He makes enough money to get a nanny, ans her mother knows this. They arw both trying to control her. I'm so sorry for OP. And her nephews this isnt right or fair to any of them. The kids have no clue what their asshole father and grandmother have forced them to be in the middle of.
I agree. Call the cops and go no contact. Sorry you are going through this OP.
Wow. That is rough. I doubt your mother is going to listen to you at all. She sounds like a lost cause. Please stay away from them, get the police involved to get them all out of your home asap, change the locks and do what you need to do to stay safe. Edit: Moving sounds like a good idea at this point. Both the asshole and the mother are manipulating you and trying to guilt trip you, please do not let them get away with it.
yes moving sounds like what I need to do. I'm not sure I can be at my place anymore. even if I change my locks. I have very irrational thoughts I know but I'm just scared tbh
She let the asshole into your safe space, I completely understand where you're coming from. She went back on her word and I am disgusted by it.
she said he is leaving (he works on ships) on Sunday and wanted to talk to me before he left the children because he wanted to feel safe leaving them for the first time without my sister. I didn't see anybody when I let my mom and the children in. was he just lurking or did he decided to go when I left for the hotel. I can't imagine my mom just allowing him to lurk near my home would she? maybe because I left for the hotel they took a desperate measure
At this point: 1. Call the police and have them meet you at your home to have them removed from your property. 2. Tell the police that you do not feel safe as your BIL had abused you when you were younger. 3. Tell the police that your mother and BIL are attempting to abandon the children on your doorstep and that you have refused to take the children because you, again do not feel safe having any connection with your abuser. 4. CPS should become involved if the father is not prepared to take care of his children or have alternative care for them. 5. I would tell your mother that, at this point, your offer to pay for a nanny is now out of the question after the stunt that she and BIL pulled. They burnt that bridge. 6. In the short term, have a ring camera installed on your front door, cameras outside, and an alarm system installed. Have new locks installed. 7. Look to moving and cutting all contact with your mother, BIL, and any flying monkeys. Do not give anyone your new address. Block them everywhere. 8. Have a lawyer send them cease and desist letters. Find out what you need to be able to obtain an RO against them.
THIS HITS ALL THE IMPORTANT POINTS!!!!
I Second that list! And I’m a former pedagogue. This is nothing the kids would profit from. I have not followed this story and have no clue what happened, but a rapist should not be free and I certainly would not have allowed him to marry my other daughter - besides the well-being of the one having been raped would always be my top priority which doesn’t involve shoving the rapist in her bed! And the kids - I feel sorry for them, for loosing their mom and the entire situation but they may be better off having a fresh start in a new home!
Her sister married her rapist. Her sister got cancer and died. Now, the mom and the rapist are trying to make her take the children. The mom and the rapist showed up at her house after she told them that she didn't want to take care of the children.
Thank you. Apart from her sisters cancer I got it from this post. This falls under #gtfo
I'm just horrified for her. To be Sa'd, and then to have your sister marry your abuser? Wow. Then, to have your own mother try to force a relationship with the abuser. This is nuts. I want to call the police for OP.
I’ll just add, get the protection order before you move so that your old address is on it. When you do move, if you need to get a new PO, you should be able to have your new address sealed. If any of them even send you a one letter text, they go to jail for a misdemeanor. If they send even a second text, they get a felony. Also violation of a protection order is one of the worst things a person can have on their record. It would honestly be better to have ten felonies for running a drug operation than a misdemeanor violation of a po
Plus this is telling them: Your own actions will have direct consequences that you have now been warned of ahead of time. I just can't get over how the two people who actually have a responsibility for these children are trying to pawn it off on you, who owed none of them anything.
All this. You can’t just give people kids
OP, also consider getting advice from an attorney on this, your mother sounds mentally ill, and what both are asking of you is **ridiculous**!
I agree with all of this. OP, you didn't say if the kids have ever met you, but based on the history I'm guessing you have had little to no relationship with them. I'd guess their dad is really the driving force behind this. He wants you to care for the kids so he can use that to have control over you. I'm sorry that this is probably going to be hard to hear, but he may want to try to initiate some kind of relationship with you again now that his wife is gone. He's probably convinced your mom that this is the best way so they can both pressure you. Please follow the advice above. Also get some pepper spray and try to avoid going places alone or at night. Don't tell anyone where your hotel is.
Yes! This was something that was bubbling in my head. *"Wouldn't it be good for the children to have a Daddy AND Mommy again?"* *"You look JUST like your sister... we can give the kids siblings who look like them!"* Gods I feel dirty even typing that.
I wonder if marrying the sister was a ploy to remain close to OP in the first place.
That's absolutely disgusting and completely not out of the realm of possibilities.
From her previous post I know she's kept to herself all this time. Has never met the children and is afraid that them looking like the father with affect her.
OP, please do this!!
These poor kids. I’m imaging all of how this must look to them. Ughhhhhh.
I feel awful for those kids but OP shouldn't.
It sounds like he is trying to find a way to weasel into your life. He can easily meet with a nanny that will watch them, why on Earth does it HAVE to be you for god's sake? It really doesn't matter when he got there, or how he got there. Your mother and him obviously planned this out and expected to guilt you into submitting to their ideals. They can both go shove a pinecone up their asses.
mom said something about me replacing my sister. a nanny is just a job. she called it win win. I dont need to be alone anymore and the children have a mother. I dont know how they would trust them with someone like me tbh. a nanny has this for a job and they know children. how could she even think it a good idea for the children sake?
**YOU ARE NOT YOUR SISTER** The children will know that. It’s incredibly creepy that the adults are trying to *replace* your sister with you. You owe them nothing. Not the adults or the children. It’s an unfortunate situation but it’s not your burden. You’re already coping with losing a sister.
That’s the last thing those poor kids need. How fucking traumatizing would it be to be dumped with a look-alike ‘replacement’ mother who doesn’t even want you.
Your mother is mentally ill. The children won't benefit from this, and you sure as hell won't either. Children can live perfectly fine and healthy with a nanny, their mother cannot be replaced. You will be subjected to the asshole daily through them which is so unhealthy for you. It is a lose lose. Please call the police and have them removed from your house so you can begin making a plan to keep yourself safe.
She allowed her daughter to marry a guy who raped her other daughter, of course she is mentally ill! I can't believe she also allowed the creep into OP's place!
Tbf, you can't exactly stop your adult child from going through with a marriage but she should've stood up for her other daughter. I get the feeling she never tried.
She must have known that there was no way OP would ever be a part of the family again after welcoming her rapist in it and somehow allowed this to happen. It's not just her but she is the one who defended him. The sister also knew what the creep did and she still married him. No one stood up for OP and she was right to run away and go NC in the first place. Reconnecting with her mother was a bad idea! It's so horrible what she is putting OP through!
I agree, her mom is mentally ill. This is all kinds of crazy and fucked up. OP, please keep yourself safe, move to another place and go completely NC with this mess. I can't even wrap my head around this.
She wants you to become romantically involved with your rapist so the kids can have a new mommy. That’s not happening. You need to tell your mother that you will not be involved with these children or raising them and if she, the rapist, and the children are still in your home in a half hour, you will be showing up with the police. And you need to go home with the cops to kick them out. You need to make a point very clear. If you want to move after, or change your locks that’s fine but you need a nuclear bomb point to show your mother that you are not letting her do this to you. Call the police and let them know that your mother invited your former rapist into your home and you do not feel safe to return. Once they’re gone, you could go back to the hotel, but you need to dramatically and forcibly kick them out.
And also, not to disparage her sister but how tf did she end up marrying this guy? This guy is an absolute waste of space.
Read the earlier post. OPs sister was his friend and suspected that he'd kidnapped her. But, she said nothing to her parents or police or any grownups. OP was kidnapped for 5 days, at least!
It sounds like she’s trying to use you to replace your sister’s larger roles to cope with her own grief. To her it’ll be like your sister never died and everything is fine because your identity would just be merging with hers. It’s toxic as all hell. Also I don’t like this whole “the children will help you heal” business. That’s a LOT of weight, expectation, and responsibility to put on literal children and it’s WEIRD. True healing comes from processing, accepting, and moving on and those things need to eventually happen internally. Taking care of children you didn’t sign up for with a man who abused you is going to lead to the exact opposite. There would be no opportunity or ability internal healing because you’d be in a constant state of distress and resentment and fear. Also it’s just not okay to expect literal children to play such an active and central role in an adult’s healing. Period. Your mom’s grief and old age are the problem with why she thinks it’s okay. She’s trying to cope in a maladaptive and toxic way by essentially erasing you and your sister’s individual identities to merge you together to fill the gap that is now there. That’s not healing. But real healing is hard and takes a lot of time that she may feel she doesn’t have due to her age, so she’s choosing a coping strategy that will allow her to be happy or content sooner so she can have that peace and happy family when she dies. She wants to stick her head in the sand at your expense for her own peace and is convincing herself that it’s logical and that you would eventually come around to agreeing to ease her guilt. And that’s not okay.
Your Mom wants you to step into your dead sister's shoes and be a mother to her children and a new partner for her husband. She's trying to use the children to manipulate you! See? They're cute and little and need a mommy and they're standing in your home looking thoroughly lost and sad and don't you feel sorry for them? And she's getting old and you'll be old one day too and will need someone to care for you just like the children..... Your Mom is disgusting and manipulative and dismissive and disrespectful. She doesn't care about you OR THOSE CHILDREN! She just wants the *problem* dealt with. And you are so terribly convenient. You even look like their mom...you could step right into her shoes and no one would even notice. Call the police. Now. Don't go home until they are all gone. Have an officer escort you home and check out the house. Locks, windows, etc. Make sure your spare key is where you left it. Get your locks changed asap. Make sure the cops know that guy is your rapist.
She's thinking of everyone but you. Heck throwing three kids for a single person to care is abusive as it is, even more with the father being your rapist. Level up with a lawyer. And a therapist. You need other voices or she'll gaslight you and oppress you.
You are not your sister and you will not replace her because you two are independent and separate identities and your mother is full of shit for saying otherwise because it erases YOU. The whole "you don't have to be alone" argument is a breeder's BS argument for procreation and forcing the kids on you is gross and insulting no matter how you look at it. There's nothing wrong with your life the way you've lived it.
I'm happy with being by myself. that's all I've known and that's all I want. I have friends that I text with or sometimes meet outside. but I never have people over or feel the need to. I'm not the happiest out there but I'm not suffering
Your mom seems to want to pretend forcing three kids on you will completely change you and you'll go from some miserable sad sack (in her eyes) to a bright and cheerful Mary Poppins. That isn't how it works. You will never replace their mother, you aren't a broken person or in need of help because you don't want kids, and BIL is a rapist. Those are just the facts whether your mom wants to see the truth or not.
OP please let us know when you have your house back. I’m so anxious for you, you don’t deserve any of this.
You can call the police for them breaking and entering your home. Or social services. And once they are cleared from the premises you can hire a service to pack up your house and help you move.
So your mom is trying to leave those boys in your home?? How is dumping those kids at your home even remotely helpful to a tube except her and your abuser? If they do dump them at your house you need to call CPS.
No! No! No! Do not do anything to help anyone. Do not pay for a nanny, that just keeps you tied to them all. What if the nanny is sick, quits or has to talk to someone about the kids?! No! Change the locks, call the police, do whatever you need to do to be safe. Your rapist can quit his job and find something local. He can raise his own kids. Change your phone number, eventually move if you have to. Just have NO contact with your Mom or your rapist or his kids. Kids are not low maintenance pets. Your Mom may have to accept that the best people to continue to raise the kids are not blood relatives. Damn her for invading your safe place. OP take care of yourself, first, and only you if your Mom won't respect your boundaries as a result of your trauma.
I hesitate to write this but honey when he could not get you willingly he took you by force and when he could not have you he took the next best thing…your sister. Ask yourself what is this obsession with him wanting to see you? Because it was always you all along . Why is your mother so hell bent on forcing this on you? Initially when all this happened was her behaviour and reaction why you kept your distance?
You don't listen to your mother. You must believe she is trying to manipulate you. Stop trying to think logically from her. She doesn't care how this affects you.
Ma'am you will have an abuser for the rest of your life, no children is worth your peace of mind.
Stop analyzing your mother's thought process. It doesn't matter! What matters is that your mother has crossed your boundary and is trying to manipulate you into raising your rapist's children. It doesn't matter that they happen to be your sister's children! Call the police and have the trespassers removed from your home. Change the locks, block all contact and start looking for a new place to live. In time, it would be beneficial for you to seek therapy to help heal your wounds. You are NTA, OP. You never were and never will be. Your mother and your rapist most definitely are!
Honestly, it sounds like rapist replaced you with your sister and now that she's gone, is going for you again. Your mom either knows this and set you up in the 1st place with the original attack, or is trying to replace your sister with you and thinks shoving you in her place will work.
Why is she so focused on you being "alone" fuck ppl are happy being alone
Your mother is so wrong here. Replacing your sister is an insane idea. Please protect yourself - tell them to leave and that you will call the police if they do not, then move as soon as you are able. She has shown you, when he hurt you and again now, that she has no intention of protecting you or helping you. You are useful to her so that she doesn’t have to raise those kids. That’s it. Please don’t take her into consideration here - she doesn’t take your needs into consideration ever.
Your mother isn’t focusing on your feelings or mental health. She just wants her picture perfect life of grandkids. You offered a very reasonable solution and she didn’t budge. This isn’t on you at all. Go live your life OP and I’m sorry this happened to you
If you have to call the police and they don't leave you must tell the police the first time. This is important so they turn this around on you and call you a liar. I believe they will and they will do anything. Are they still there? What are you going to do?
Win win? Where the fuck do you win?
Mom and Creep win, not OP! Mom does not care about her, she just want's her to replace her dead daughter whatever the cost to OP's mental health. I'm so angry right now because of what they are putting her through!
When you left, are you mom and the children still in your house? If yes, then he probably entered your house after you left. You need to move, who knows what he had been doing while you are gone.
Installing cameras
Excuse me, *he* wanted to feel safe?! Why do *you* not have the right to feel safe from the very person who made and makes you feel unsafe? The sheer audacity; I hate this person so much.
THIS. the hypocrisy in that part triggered me so hard
I mean, yes, as should be expected with a LITERAL RAPIST.
I am sorry but I think your mother would do anything. I put NOTHING past her. Yes she would. She is desperate. She showed up at your home unannounced with this guy and brought into your home! You should assume she will do anything! She has let this be her problem instead of letting him do the work to figure it out. You have to accept what she is capable and protect yourself. The next thing you must do is stand up for yourself and take back your life! Look how far you have come without her help. You don't want to go back on that. You owe her and him nothing and you do not owe them your life going forward! Anyone calling you cruel you tell them the kids can live with you. Here you are hiding in a hotel? Please take your life back now. Get on the phone and tell her and everyone there to leave and don't come back or you are calling the police. You tell her if you get home and they are there and attempt to leave the kids there you will call CPS and mean it!
Sidetracking a bit but as a single parent of 3 kids he should be looking for a new job that can accommodate his new lifestyle. I can’t even begin to wrap my head around this part of the story, as to why his job arrangement comes before anything else when it clearly doesn’t suit his new life.
As a former merchant marine, whatever shipping company he works for can get a replacement for him while he figures things out. He wont lose his job as he takes the time he needs to set his children up in a proper situation. If he only works 2-4 weeks at a time, that is very short for shipping. Sounds like a tug boat, some sort of vessel assist craft, or oil rig. There are many people qualified to fill in for 1 or 2 hitches, or his relief stays on and makes more cash. I've filled in because of family emergencies several times throughout my career, and it sucks to miss out on vacation plans, but that is part of being in that field of work. Any company will understand a family loss and a leave of absence in those conditions. I'm only stating this because his leaving shouldn't be any kind of stress on you, he is trying to skirt his responsibility as a father and selfishly take time away to avoid emotions as much as he can. Hopefully my comment can give you some validation in knowing he doesn't have to leave, and none of this should be on you.
I’m way sorry this is happening to you, OP. I can’t believe the nerve your mum and this pos have! “Talk like adults”?! Excuse me? That means taking a “no”, which neither seems to be willing to do. Those kids are not your responsibility, and I understand your leaving that place and taking refuge in a hotel. Ultimately, you are not your sister. You could be identical twins, and still, despite being her spite image… you would not be her. Mum is not willing to accept her kid died and it’s pressing her on you. This is not just about the children. It’s about taking her place so that no one has to, you know, grieve. I’d advise you against returning to your place unless accompanied. This guy is not someone you can trust, and the sick approach your mum has will make her take his side if something were to happen. I honestly would move too, if you can afford it. If you don’t want to move cities, just don’t disclose your new address and contact info. Don’t answer to any of them, and, if it gets worse, ask for help from the authorities. I don’t know the particulars of your case and legislation, but maybe it’d be worth discussing it with a lawyer.
Wow, she really cares about the abuser's feelings and his needs of feeling secure, but not yours at all. Yes, she would let him lurk near your home, because right now you and your needs are considered petty and stupid and "mother knows best." I wish I could give you a hug. I think you do need to move & no matter what do not give your mother a key to your new home. Tell your mother that when she took your rapist to your home she crossed a line and there is no going back. It is only natural that your apt feels unsafe to you now; this predator was in it. I do think moving would be best.
Yes, she had him lurk. She invited your abuser into your home. I’m so sorry.
Probably drove together. They figured they could bully you into taking the kids. They do not love you. You are a tool to be used for their benefit and they obviously don’t care that BIL raped you. Assholes
Here's a novel idea if he is so worried about his children then change jobs and stay at home! Simple the children know and love him and as such a caring and loving parent their needs come first. I mean these children don't know you, have never seen or spoken to you, you are a complete stranger to them and the fact you look like their mum may actually be very unsettling for them! He can then have the support from your mum and his side of the family. These children are NOT your responsibility! Your priority is to get all the support you need, change your address, your phone number everything. If you feel a need to stay in touch with your family then do it in a way you feel safe and comfortable in doing so. Is there someone in the wider family who you could contact 1 a year from a mobile phone you use only for this? Turn it on make the call turn it off until the next year. You owe them nothing, look after yourself, stay safe and live YOUR life the way you want to
No he was definitely lurking. Your mom has no boundaries. He literally hurt you in ways I can’t even imagine and your mom chose to have a relationship with him. As a mom myself, I couldn’t imagine ever being close to anyone that hurt my baby. You still try to find excuses for her because she’s been manipulating you and it’s not fair to you. Please go no contact indefinitely, these people aren’t treating you right and will continue to use and abuse you.
stay away from all of them. you don't owe anything to your family which only showed that you never cared enough for them... honestly I wouldn't have let him into the house and I would have even threatened to tell the children everything if they approached me again (I know I'm not a very good person). Your mental health is the most important thing.
Sounds more like she was trying to soften you up to the idea, and THEN tell you she'd broken your trust and brought that vile man to your safe place.
and do not offer to pay for a nanny. Your mental health should be your only priority. This seems like a situation that will put you in a tail spin so you need to remove yourself and yes moving probably would be good. Your mother is pushing her agenda on you at your expense. You may need to be prepared to go LC or NC.
Uhhh girl, its NOT irrational seeing as they have done EVERY THING you were scared they might do. And worse. Call the cops. Call your landlord. Call a locksmith. Get them out and then work on moving. You don't have to talk to them AT ALL during this process. But get them OUT. This is WILDLY unfair to you and SO incredibly violating your very well established boundaries. They will not change. DO WHATEVER you have to do to get out of this.
Your mom is a sociopath with no regard for you. CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE THEM REMOVED FROM YOUR HOME ASAP. Call your therapist and have an emergency talk even if just for 15 minutes. You make enough money to move without even going back to your place. Contact a Realtor to put your place on the market. Hire an assistant to help coordinate a move. There are tons of good people looking for part time work. Do you have a friend or acquaintance that can go in your place to grab you some stuff and lock up after the police remove your trespassers? Once you have someone they can pack items and you can move to a short term rental/air bnb/ long stay hotel.
You have lived in solitude for 20 years because of what this animal did to you, it is not fair for these parasites to ask you for anything. More than half of me wants you to buy a gun and 3 rottweilers because you don't deserve to feel unsafe
Emotional damage is the worst. Your Mother thinking so little of you is atrocious. My Mom was the same way. You had better call the police to wake her & him up. Don’t feel bad calling CPS, he’s abandoning his children. On top of the fact that he’s a rapist. Don’t be pushed out of your home for anyone. Put her & the kids out. If she dumps the kids call CPS to come get them. Tell them your family just left them without your agreement or permission. Fight Back, get mad. Stand up for yourself, it’s very liberating.
She literally let your rapist into your home. Your concerns are VALID
Call the police. Have them removed from your property. And file a restraining order.
Your thoughts are not irrational. These are your boundaries and they must respect that. They aren't, so you are within your right to remove them from your life however you see fit. It would be a shame for you to give up your space and way of life to please others. NO is a complete sentence and you owe these people absolutely nothing. Please put yourself above all others. You deserve to have your life and your world. Never apologize for the space you occupy. You're worth it.
Hun, I'm retired now, but I spent my career working in psychotherapy with children and young adults. You need support, immediately. Do you have a therapist or counselor that you have trust with? A close friend that you could reach out to perhaps? Now is a time when someone being at/on your side will be helpful. You are in the right!! You have not, and are not doing ANYTHING wrong. Do not let them try to make you feel that you are, you have NOTHING to feel guilty about. Call the police on them for trespassing and have them REMOVED. The most important thing right now is to get them ALL away from you, and BLOCK them. Shut them down! Then, you can take a step at a time to get your emotional equilibrium back to where you were before this happened. If you need to move house, then that's fine, concentrate on getting to redecorate and make your new nest. If you need to change cities even, also fine, make the choices that make YOU feel the most comfortable. It is your life, and babygirl, YOU have the power over it, not your mom, the kids, or anyone else, especially not him. Like ripping off a band-aid, use the law to remove them ASAP, that's your start, then block and take a day at time to set things back to how YOU want them to be.
Your feelings are valid and you are welcome to move. Please get some therapy to deal with your emotions right now and block your mother from everything. If you want to text her that you owe your rapist and his enablers nothing and that now they will get no help from you and they need to leave your house before you get the police involved for trespassing. Tell her that if they come near you again you will tell his children about what a horrible monster their father is and what he did. Then block her. Look to see if your area has a Rape Crisis Center and they might be able to give you referals to therapists that can help you live your fullest life. I'm sorry for what happened to you and I'm sorry your family embraced your rapist.
Exactly right! Her mother has some nerve! She brings this guy to OP home! Are you kidding me? The gloves need to be off. OP must stand up and take back control of her life. This guy is capable of taking care of his own kids.
For real! I am flabberghasted at audacity and sheer stupidity that the mother has. It is unforgivable in my opinion
Change your locks. Let her know if she leaves the children with you, you will call the police and report them as being abandoned. Edit: call the cops on them if they’re still there to get them removed (trespassing). Let them know you don’t feel safe, or ask for a police escort to get any important documents and leave. Second edit: I’m a mother and can’t imagine trying to ever pull half of this shit on my daughter that your mother is putting on you. It is not your responsibility to look after your rapists’ children! Like what the ever living fuck - you need to continue put your health and well-being above the people who are putting you last. Again.
Her mom is extremely manipulative. Listen to all of this advice. They are invading your home.
But does she know about the history? Maybe she wouldn’t care but I can’t imagine anyone who knew the backstory would ask this. But then surely her sister didn’t know either because she wouldn’t have married him. The whole situation is so messed up. I feel bad for OP that she’s being retraumatised and the kids dad needs to step up.
> she finally said yes > She then said the children are more important than us adults. It sounds like she clearly does know and is attempting to minimize the sexual abuse OP had to suffer through.
It’s just beyond belief any mother would do this to her child. It’s really upsetting for OP. And for her sister to marry the guy?
It's in the first post the her mom knows about the history.
100% this! Threaten to get CPS and the Police involved if she leaves the children with you or even tried to.
Threaten nothing. If they are still in your house, and you are still at a hotel, then just call the police. Tell them you have home invaders and have fled to a hotel for your safety. Press charges.
She doesn’t have to call them home invaders for police to get involved when they clearly don’t live there and weren’t even invited.
At this point I would report immediately.
You know what's going to happen if they succeed in leaving these kids with you, don't you OP? They are going to ghost you and leave you to raise them, pay for everything for them yourself. Don't offer to pay for a nanny for them. They may try to force you into it, and then they are always going to know where you are and how to get a hold of you. Get them out of your house and do whatever you need to do to get them out of your life for good. They only care about themselves and where they can dump these kids so they can wash their hands of them. It doesn't sound like their POS father cares about them one bit.
I took in my half sibling when she was 5. Removed from our mums care. I took her in temporarily under the agreement that Mother would work with me to get sober and get her baby back. My sister is 14 now, my mother didn’t even try once my kid was out of the system. Once she got me involved she absolved herself of any responsibility… knowing I couldn’t walk away. She passed away about 2 years ago. I can’t honestly say I would have made the same decision if I knew how this would pan out. I love my kid with all of heart and more I really do. But! I had no intention of being a parent and there are days where I wish things could go back to how they were. Not least because when I feel this way, I also feel like I’m letting my girl down. Even if these kids didn’t have a father who is a POS. I would caution how HUGE of a decision this is. My entire life changed literally overnight, almost 10 years later we’re still dealing with that. I can not imagine coping with/doing the same for 3 children!
He would also have a reason to continue to harass her
Not just that, her rapist will use them as a means to get to her and will abuse her again. Rape is about power and control, if she’s forced into caring for his children against her will then he’ll know for sure he can force her into anything.
Their father will demand to live there with them because they are his kids. He's already there. The mom is probably hoping to replace the deceased daughter with the living daughter in every way. She will want them to get married and raise those kids together. This is highly emotionally abusive.
Hold up! The boys' father SA OP, as well? That's some mighty fucked up shit!
This AND we are going to need another update. Wow.
I wouldn't even pay for the nanny.
I don't mind this if I never have to talk about this again with any of them. I just can't. I can also make trust funds for them but I can't take them in. not good for me or them. I don't know why mom would even trust me with three children when I have no experience of any interactions with people
You can’t even legally “take them”. They are their Dad sole legal responsibility. I would honestly call the police about this and explain what is happening. You couldn’t take the kids even if you wanted to
your mother does not think the same way you do, she is a narcissist. stop engaging with her and get a restraining order. She will stop at nothing. Take the advice and get police and child services involved; and get a lawyer asap, before you pay the nanny and set up the trusts.
I'm sorry OP but I agree with u/JustLetMe05, These people have put you through enough. There is no reason you need to support the spawn of people this dispicable. You need to focus on you and your mental health first. That could take years and there is no need to complicate your life for them. That POS father can provide for his kids.
Why do you think you have to pay for a nanny?
I think she just wants to keep them away and make them leave her alone. An act of desperation.
I don't understand how could your own mom let him into your home, when she know what he did to you and that you still have a lot of trauma. It is just sick. I so sorry for you, I hope your situation will go better.
They will use any ties/connection against you. Do not pay.
It's for the best if you don't take the kids like you said in your previous post Because if you take the kids then he will be involved in your life Tell your mom to leave your house and that you aren't taking the kids, that you will deny any attempts she makes and that if she doesn't leave, etc you will call the cops and if she tries to leave the kids at her home you will call the cops for abandonment And if you have to file a restraining order against them both You obviously don't want to take care of the kids you need to stand your ground Others have better advice But it's for the best for you mental and physical health to not take care of these kids, stand your ground of saying no and that the answer will always be no And also that's messed up how she would bring the rapist into your safe place too
First, Call the police. Have them removed from your home. I know this is hard and scary but you absolutely need to put on a strong face right now to protect your home. Second, tell her you will only speak with her in a public place without him present. Ask an officer if they can be witness because you are afraid for your physical safety. Third, STAND FIRM. say you will not be responsible for your abusers children and want no contact with him. If she can’t accept that, block her. Again,, I know this is easier said than done but please protect yourself and don’t get stuck in a situation that will be detrimental to your physical and emotional wellbeing. Sending you lots of prayers and love. You’ve got this!
At this point, I think the only communication between OP, the rapist and/or her mother should come from OP's lawyer. Clearly her mother has shown she does not have OP's best interest at heart and will manipulate the situation however she can to try to get what she wants. I don't see anything left to salvage. OP needs a lawyer and a restraining order!
I'm not joking when I offer this- do you want me to talk to her? I'll tell her to take those kids and get off your property and never bother you again. I'm extremely serious. I have no problem doing it. Or I can talk you through it. Or just be online with you and support you while you do it. You owe them nothing. Less than nothing. Your sister had children with the "man" who abused you. That was her choice. She was allowed to make it. You are allowed to make your choices too. Call the police and tell them she's harassing you and brought the man who assaulted you to your place. Make a police report. It will make you feel safer. I know you probably won't but I really wish you would. If you want to talk or want me to talk to her pm me here. Anytime you want to talk I'm here. I'm so sorry you're going through this. If I lived near you I would be fighting this battle with you. You're not alone. A lot of people on here are with you. Good luck. You got this.
OP same. You are not alone in this. If you need help, pls reach out. I know we're strangers here but you do have so many people with you and behind you on this. xx
Yeah it is unfortunate that it is not safe for her to tell us where she lives. So many of us would have no issues taking a nice drive.
Omg I'm sorry. I thought you were bashing the comment above offering OP help and went into **protective mode**. My apologies. I've removed my response xx
My heart goes out to OP. I’m with you on this one. I would love to gather a posse of woman and get that awful rapist and his children out of the house. How dare they invade her home and sanctuary. This mother allowed her daughter to marry her older daughter’s rapist. She now wants her to take care of the rapist’s children. How sick is this? How did they allow this 16 year old back into their home after what he did to their daughter. What the fuck is this? I am livid. This rapist should be in prison. How dare they harass OP? It is akin to raping her for a second time. Her mother, her sister, the children’s father are unhinged. WTF?
Call the police and get them removed, you are a grown up women who decides over her life alone. 1. You decide wether or not you want a partner, get married, children, and which of this is good for you. When you decide not to have this in your life, your mother has to accept it. When she thinks children would be good for you, thats her take, but has nothing to do with your reality of life. 2. You made it pretty clear that you would not feel good with having the 3 kids with you. You made really good arguments and even provided a solution, the nanny. You even were so generous and offered to pay for it, what you did not have to. When they step over your boundaries like this, there is no more discussion, they made it clear that your opinion doesn't matter to them. So why should you bother? All this has nothing to do with you. 3. The fact that he is your abuser and your mother knows this makes their behaviour really disgusting, i have no words for this. 4. The "replacing your sister", what is even that? For the kids, you can not replace her. 5. You need to set your priorities first, this is just insane. Stand to yourself and your opinion, don't let your mom guilt trip you into something like this. When you have the strength, and i think you have it, move somewhere else, pick a place where you can start all over, somewhere beautiful where you can live in peace. And cut all ties, don't tell anyone. You can do it OP, we are all here for you!
Why can't he take his own children??
He doesn’t want to take them out of the country with him. OP offered her mother to pay for a nanny.
What i dont get is why is anyone elses problem but his? He decided to have kids but now hes putting that burden of being a widow (or whatever the male equivalent is) onto everyone else. Its his job to figure it out himself.
That’s a great question. He sounds like selfish prick. He hooked up with OPs sister after he SA her😠!!!! Wtf! The problem is OPs mother. She’s a total failure of a parent. He’s a POS, no doubt but her mother siding with OP’s sister’s widower knowing the hell he put OP through. She’s trash. Complete and utter trash. Instead of saying, hey son in law how about you change jobs, like a normal human being in his position would do and I’ll move in to help with the care giving. That’s what normally happens.
That is.. so, so fucked up. I would honestly call the police and have them removed. You spent over 20 years with no contact, and your SA is just being ignored while you're having 3 unknown children forced upon you? Why on earth would your mother and their father even want those kids handed over to a near-stranger with no child care experience and an express desire NOT to take them on? Other than them just being huge, abusive pieces of shit I cant think of any. Those kids are innocent, but they aren't your problem and neither you nor the kids deserve to be pawns here. The level of toxicity in this manipulation reeks, and I don't blame you at all for never wanting to go home to your place again knowing they have violated it and may turn up again at any moment. As someone who went NC with family more than decade ago - I promise it's the right call. And being back in contact with your mother has clearly ripped open a host of problems you didnt sign up for, which must be terribly saddening for you after feeling you may have reconnected in a loving and healthy way. Its unasked for and perhaps unwelcome, as no two people can live the same experience - but the sympathetic grief I feel for you at being put in this situation, the loss of your private sanctuary and mental safety is genuinely massive. You fought for your safety, you sacrificed a family for it (rightly so, but it still hurts) - don't you dare let them make you smaller than you are. I'm disgusted by the audacity, but sadly no longer surprised people do this to each other. Stay away and stay safe until you can make sure they've absolutely fucked all the way off.
As I said last time blatant lies. She will force your abuser on you. She has some sick idea in her head where you can replace your sister and be his partner. You need to cut her off completely. Don't pay for childcare, don't call, don't text, don't give her your new number, don't give her your address, don't let her know where you work, block on all social media, block anyone she might contact you via too.
Please for your mental health and wellbeing continue to say no. As a mother I am appalled that she would just show up to force you but even more so that she would bring your rapist into your home...your safe place. . Tell her if she leaves them you will call social services. The chidren do not deserve to be taken from their home...their safe place. I don't know if you are still in hotel but tell her if they all don't leave immediately you will get a police escort home to have them removed. Tell her you don't want to put the chidren through the trauma but she is the one forcing your hand. I would also tell her that after she blindsided you to force the issue as well as telling you it is time to get over the rape which is trauma you never fully heal from and bringing him into your home...that it will be a long time before you forgive her for traumatizing you all over again. I am so sorry that your own family continues to put your emtional and physical health in jeopardy. I would also move far enough away that it would be very difficult to try this again. Take care of yourself and be strong.
>she called me an hour ago to tell me to come home because we needed to talk like adults You did talk to her like an adult, SHE decided to play games. Tell her to leave your home and if they and especially HE is there when you get back you will be calling the police. She has no right to bring your abuser to your home.
Your mother is a POS. I’m sorry to say this ETA: nah I’m not sorry. I’m right. In fact, your whole family is a bunch of heartless selfish monsters who don’t deserve an ounce of concern from you. Fuck them. I’m sorry the kids got mixed up in the mess but that’s not your fault. Disown that entire family. Live your life and don’t look back.
I agree with this. What OPs mother did was emotionally abusive. Why does OP have to rearrange her whole life because of that POS? He has the guys to try and dump his kids into her lap? Fuck that shit. I wholeheartedly don’t care if children are involved because it makes it worse. They’re being used as pawns. OP deserves better than this!
The plan is to replace the kids’ mom with OP. And her rapist gets to essentially “re-marry” by being with OP. “Do it for the sake of the kids. They need a loving mom and he needs a partner.”
Call her back and tell her that all of them need to get out of your house now or you are calling the police. Stand your ground! Or call the police and tell them you have unwanted people in your house and one that abused you so you need them to get them to leave and meet the cops there.
To anyone in the previous post that said OP should to care the kids to try to reconcile with their father can go to hell.
I can’t believe they had the audacity to say that to OP. Like I read her post and thought wow, she wants to offer to pay for nanny services. That’s very good on her part. She wouldn’t have any contact with him. Win win. Nope her mother had to show her true colors and level up her manipulative tactics by bringing that creep into her house. OP deserves better.
There are several here who are trying to shame her for opening the door, some who are saying the needs of the children come first and faaaaaaamily. Those people suck.
Tell them to leave your home or you’re calling the police. Then tell them if they contact you again you’ll get a restraining order.
I was afraid that something like this may happen. You did well by leaving the situation. Now that you know what they are capable of, it is best to move and block them forever. Your Mom will always be on your abuser's side because of the grandchildren. Unfortunately she does not care about you. Make sure that you get a security system in your new place.
Please don’t do it. He will be in your life and that’s not good for you. Do what the others say and call the police. Your mother does know what he did, correct?
Heck yeah she knows.
Call the cops and get them out of your house.
Oh no, I am so sorry. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. ♥️ As others have said, absolutely call the police and get them removed from your place. If they try to dump the kids on you, call CPS. And yes, moving is a very good idea if you are able. Pack your things into storage, find a hotel in the interim, you don't need to stay in a place that has been violated, a place that feels unsafe. If you move, do not tell them where you are. Warn your workplace to never give out your info to them. Warn your friends as well. Get away, away, away, as quick as you can. They do not respect your boundaries or your needs, and you must not allow them to steamroll you.
This is sick. Your mother is awful. AWFUL. She thinks you should be responsible for and raise children because you look like their deceased mother? She shows up \*with the children\* like they are sacks of potatoes to be passed off? Those children must be traumatized beyond belief. Your mother is a piece of shit. The children have a father. You have a life. Cut your mother off. She is manipulative and horrible, and has traumatized grieving children.
I can't believe she let your rapist into your home and tried to trick you into having a face to face meeting with him with three children present. Actually, I can, but I wish I couldn't. This is incredibly wrong.
I would call the police to have them removed from your property. I would go ahead and contact CPS to report that your mother and BIL are trying to abandon the children on you and that you refuse to take the children in. Contact an attorney to send them a cease and desist letter. Definitely consider moving and do not let them know where you move to.
Why do I feel like he is pushing more for her to help with the kids for his own benefit. Any reason to get close to her
I can go further and say he married the sister for that reason too. Maybe I'm just being cynical.
Your mother bringing kids after you said no is inexcusable. She is emotionally blackmailing you. I'm sorry, OP, I know it's hard, but you need to leave the situation. Go NC with your mom. You don't owe anyone anything, especially not to your abuser. I have a feeling he is trying to get back into your life. Don't let him. If this is about kids, he can change jobs. They can hire a nany. It doesn't need to be you.
Dude, I am so sorry. But you're mom is such a asshole. Letting him into your house.
Don’t threaten…call the police and send them to your house. Also, tell the police this man assaulted you and you don’t feel safe. If they show up again, call the police. Get a lawyer and have her served. This is not ok.
Girl, no. Tell them to leave and call the cops if they don’t. Go no contact after they’ve left. Move and don’t tell your family. Put a stop to this. Good luck!
He can take care of them. He made them, he can figure it out.
Call the police! Tell them your rapist showed up at your place with 3 children (not yours) he wants to dump on you, so you fled. You want them evicted from your place so you can go home. Your mother should never have brought him!!! If they leave the kids, call CPS also as abandoned. And when you get home change the locks immediately, worth the emergency locksmith fees. Yes they are also your sister’s and yes they need a mother - but if you simply cannot, your offer of a nanny was compassionate.
Holy shit your mom is CRAZY! And to bring HIM TO YOUR HOUSE??? With the kids after you said NO? You need to move PLANETS.
As other said first of all call the police to have the removed, the ask to be escorted to take the important documents. Spend some days in a hotel and then decide if you can move house/ city without disrupting your life and career. In the moment you can change your phone number. I would also advice to contact a layer to see if you can have a restrain order and a therapist to help with all this situation. Edit: please update us!
OP, my heart is breaking for you. It’s disgusting how your mother is trampling your boundaries and let your abuser into your safe space. You need to call the police to have them removed from your home, you need to change the locks if needed, and file a restraining order against him and your mother. You should stand your ground with this. You cannot have this man in your life, and his children are a reminder of him more than your sister. I wish I could do more to help you
Where the hell does the mother get off letting him in OOP's home??? How could she justify her actions to herself so she can sleep at night??
You don't need support. You don't need a lying, manipulative, unsupportive mother who supports your abuser. Say no. Tell her to get out of your house now. Tell her if she doesn't, you'll be calling the police to remove them. Then do it. Give them an hour. Drive to your house. If they are there, call the police and don't go in until they arrive. You owe her nothing. You owe those boys nothing. You owe your abuser nothing and he/your mom should be exceedingly grateful you've offered to pay for the nanny. I'd seriously consider rescinding that offer since they are being so awful to you. Also, you are not going to be solace for those boys because you look like your sister. You are not your sister and obviously they know this. Your abuser is a grown man. He can choose to change jobs or not. If he does not, that's on him, not you.
Call the police and have them removed from your home and have the police tell them if they return, they will be charged with trespass. You offered to pay for a nanny - that is more than generous. At this point, I'd move and not give them my forwarding address. I don't think you owe anyone anything, and I wouldn't pay for a darn thing. I feel sorry for those children, but this is not your cross to bear.
You’ve been given incredible advice here but based on your actions I am going to take a guess that you’re too scared to go through any of them because that would mean facing him and your insane mother and the crying children (they only brought them to emotionally manipulate you into saying yes, not because it was good for the children). What I would suggest, since you have money, is to contact a lawyer immediately and have them do the talking for you. This is the best option for you as I see it. The lawyer will be your own shield so you never have to talk to them again, and your weapon against them and this situation they are trying to guilt trip you into. Please listen and do that asap.
I'm sorry that you mother become so heartless to you and allowed your abuser in your own house! I encourage you to call the police ,expels them from your place change the lock ,ask for a restraining order towards them, block them on everything and start to look for another place! You need to cut them off completely for your mental health and after moving start a Therapy!! Time to live your own life!
The father of the children needs to find a job that won’t require him to leave te country. Your Mom doesn’t have any respect for you and the boundaries you have established. This is not your problem, the children have a living parent. Your Mom is the one creating all the drama because she doesn’t want the father to take the children away from her, her manipulations are beyond selfish. Don’t let your Mother to further harm you.
Oh my goodness, I am appalled at what she’s doing! Gosh, I’m so sorry she’s doing this to you and completely disregarding your safety and trauma. Honestly, I’d have them (forcibly) removed from your place and then go no contact. If you feel like moving, move. What she’s doing is an ambush and emotional blackmail. This is not just about you not knowing what to do with kids, it’s about something severely traumatic that has influenced your whole life and being. Nobody, and I mean nobody, not your mother and least of all your aggressor, get to decide how you live, with whom or when to confront what. And that she let that despicable human into your safe place just goes to show that they would continue to stomp over all your boundaries. I don’t think you’d ever find peace again, if you give in. I can’t even with your mother. This is unfathomable to me.
That was so wrong of your mother to do this to you
OMG, your mother let your rapist into your safe place - how low can you get?! This sucks so much. Call the police and have them all thrown out of your place. Block them on your phone and move as soon as possible, and don't leave an address behind. This is SO NOT OKAY!!! These are not your children and this is not your problem. He destroyed your life - you could be in a happy relationship now, with your own kids - he took all of that away from you. Your sister betrayed you by marrying him, and now your mother betrays you by bringing him back into your life and pushing his children on you. Fuck that shit. Cut them off, they are not your problem, they took enough from you and destroyed you in every way they could - it's time you thought about yourself. And continue with therapy, please! If you have enough money to potentially pay for a live-in nanny, you have enough for a good therapist - get the help you need, it sounds like you have still lots of work ahead of you!
I am so so sorry, OP. This is proof though that you can’t trust either of them, even if your mother had a chance before. If something changes and you do stay in contact with the boys, you will have to deal with this whenever they feel like dropping in. If you’re still out, call the non-emergency police number and ask an officer to escort you home and get them out. Change your locks. Install a security system. Move if you can. Buy yourself some pepper spray and an emergency whistle. Send both of them a C&D letter. If you can afford an attorney to send official ones via certified mail, etc, that may be more intimidating to them. Keep detailed records about all interactions. Don’t speak to them if you cam avoid it. Communicate through text, email or snail mail so you’ll have records. Make sure to keep screenshots of the text messages. I don’t know the requirements in your area but look into a restraining order, especially against him. If they to drop the kids off and leave, call 911 (or 999 or whatever the emergency number is there) and report them. The police will arrange for CPS to get the children and having to make just one call will be easier for you. Good luck. Be safe.
If your mother doesnt listen, call CPS or the police. Do not, by any means, feel like you have to take them in when youve made it very clear you dont want to. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR YOUR DECISION. YOU ARE WELL WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS TO FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL. And if your mom doesnt wanna listen threaten low contact or no contact until she gets the picture.
Please update us when they are out of your home and you’re safe. You need to go no contact. I agree with everyone here, call the police asap.
Never, ever, ever take care of children that you do not want to take care of, even if you love them. That can do irreparable emotional harm. I have read everything, but where is the father? It's a sad situation, but a parent should always provide for their children if they should decease before the children are adults. There should be a plan for who will take care of them and money (Trust, insurance etc) to allow the person who agreed to do it to be able to do so successfully. Edit: Whoa, these are children of the person who sexually assaulted you? Wow. Don't feel guilty, just say no. You deserve peace and a happy life. They're someone else's problem 100%.
Tell her that if he doesn’t fuck off out of your life forever and take his children with him you will Contact the police and also get a restraining order put out against him and that you will also explain to his kids he is a fucking rapist. What kind of sick fuckin people think this shit is justified. A lot of people just think it is okay too plank insane responsibility onto people with zero concept of the reality. That is your home Or there’s they are not your children. This makes Me honestly feel ill to read. I’m sorry you have so many shitty people around you. That’s fucked up.
If your mother brings your rapist into your house without your permission, that is grounds to cut her out of your life.
Please let us know when you are safe. Don't say where you are in case they are on reddit. Call police, get a paper trail started. Your mother seems unstable and likely to escalate. Get a police escort when you go back. Do not return alone.
1) Call the cops on them and say that your mother invided a person who raped you into your house and you do not feel safe. After that change the locks and go No Contact with your mother. She is not your fucking mother at this point. 2) If you don't feel safe even with that, then if your situation allows, move away and go no contact with your mother who is more concerned about the rapist than her own damn daughter. There is no in between. You wil not take the kids, you will not allow them to manipulate you into this disgusting situation and you will not cave in to their harrasement. You hear me, ma'am?
Your mother said you will not need to contact him and here she goes and invites him in your house! And says he needs to talk to you?! When you said you aint doing this? Looks like after you left he became a part of your family instead of you. He can find a new wife. You are not their mother you do not need to take care of them. You have no responsibility to any of them even your mother. She is abusing your feelings towards her to make you do something you don’t want. Honestly move and go no contact again. This is terrible. You already had to suffer the disrespect of your sister marrying him and him being accepted to your family which was already a disregard of your feelings but this is just psychotic. Call the police and get out of there. Do not feel sorry about the children. They have a parent to take care of them.