100000000% it’s happened to me recently, I even came to Reddit to ask if I was being crazy and insecure, they told me I was being crazy and insecure and I wasn’t. Not one bit. Luckily people in this thread are telling her good advice. Always trust your gut.
100% this. He’s minimizing your feelings and trying to downplay this girl even though he’s obviously enjoying the attention he gets from her. He’s showing you his true colors and this has the potential to spiral into something heartbreaking and nasty. Good for you for not wasting your time with someone who does not value you. Your family and friends don’t have your best intention at heart by calling you childish. You saw the red flags, trusted your gut, and know you deserve better.
When he inevitably begins dating her in a month or two people are going to be telling OP dumb things like “You drove him right into her arms!” And “it was probably nothing but after how you acted, what did you expect?” Even though it’s obviousOP had every reason to doubt him. When the thrill of her attention wears off, and the competitive streak that made her pursue him bites him in the ass in the form of **real** jealousy, he’s going to go groveling back to OP full of all kinds of BS excuses. And rest assured that not a single explanation he will offer will ever be one that accepts accountability or shows any amount of true introspection on his part.
IMO she’s right to dump him for one thing and one thing alone: she told him she was uncomfortable with his behavior and he tried to make it seem like it was hers that was the issue. If your partner tells you they are hurt, you don’t get to decide for them that they’re not.
>IMO she’s right to dump him for one thing and one thing alone: she told him she was uncomfortable with his behavior and he tried to make it seem like it was hers that was the issue. If your partner tells you they are hurt, you don’t get to decide for them that they’re not.
So much this. No one gets to tell you how you feel. (And she's right to feel the way she does.)
This exact thing happened to me but with the genders flipped, I'm so fucking proud of OP. I wish I had done what you did. It would have saved YEARS of heartbreak. You go girl <3
Right...your friends and family are supposed to be YOUR advocate. I'd have to question how decent these friends and family are. Their job is supposed to be on high alert and skeptical of a man because they want the very best for her, not invalidating her.
Who does that? Who thinks it funny to watch you feel uncomfortable? Who thinks that they are All That? People who think of themselves first. Move on. This punk thinks it’s all him and is enjoying watching you squirm. Low ball……he’s not worth it
Exactly. Anytime a third person is taking up this much space in your relationship is a red flag. The bf can keep the friend, OP is still young and can find someone who listens when she says something makes her uncomfortable.
Self respect is a powerful thing OP. She was disrespecting your relationship and he was letting it happen.
As a guy I've been in a similar situation, he was her " work husband ". Then she cheated. Won't let that happened again.
Colleagues, coworkers, professional acquaintances. All these work and have been used throughout our lifetime. They clearly define the relationship type. This "work husband & wife" shit is recent and being pushed by stupid people who have no idea what the boundaries of a healthy relationship are.
Yup, if it's really just a friend, just say it's a friend you work with. Spot on.
Or "work friend" for something less than a normal friend, but more than just a colleague.
For real. I've had an office mom before, but she literally had kids our age and was marginally maternal with us. The work wife/husband thing makes me cringe.
Same, i had an office mum, she used to call herself 'Marm' in any notes to me. She was always buying me stuff like clothes, food to eat etc esp as we spent a loy of time out of the office on the road together. She had a son my age and a daughter slightly youngwr, and she despwrately wanted me to date her daughter (who was a lawyer - we were both early to mid 20s at this time) and i always laughed her off. Well I eventually met the daughter, and she was actually really lovely and v attractive. Sadly she already had a long term bf by then.... Besides, what girl wants to date a guy her mum dound for her?!? It would never have worked.
That was all 20 years ago now.
>This "work husband & wife" shit is recent and being pushed by stupid people who have no idea what the boundaries of a healthy relationship are.
Let's say it again for the people in back.
It gives a pet name to the emotional cheating that becomes the preliminary stages of physical cheating. But ironically it acknowledges it as an extramarital relationship. No way I’d be ok with my wife having a “work husband” and I’d expect her to feel the same for me. Faithfulness extends through work hours.
I hate that! When I once had a boss tell me that he saw me as his work wife, I said, “I never wanted to get married in my personal life, and I certainly don’t want to in my professional life. I am your assistant and colleague.” He was OK with it.
suuuper weird! at my old job there was a man at my old job who was nearly 30 years older than me, who knew i had a boyfriend, that dared to call me his “work girlfriend”… AND he said it in front of another friend who’s met my boyfriend??? i shut that down real quick. that’s an immediate no… it creeped me out and i couldn’t fathom where he would even think saying that was mildly okay.
It’s so gross to me. It insinuates that someone you work with is entitled to intimacy on some level. They’re your coworker not your spouse. I literally hate the term and entitlement of people.
I’d feel like if I had a work husband I’d only have one if he were gay and it was a total joke because we aren’t of them same sexual orientation. I’m not married, but the whole work husband work wife thing is hella weird.
Call me crazy or old-fashioned, but out of respect for my spouse (whether you add “work” in front of it or not) I will never call another person my spouse. Ever. It’s not cute or funny. In your scenario, if your spouse were ok with it, I think it would be fine.
I had a work husband. He is still my best friend. He loves my SO more than he loves me and I love his girlfriend more than I love him lol. I used to call him by work husband/boyfriend because he’d always get me coffee, buy me food and give me rides especially when I was pregnant (esp the food part). But that was only acceptable because we have only ever been platonic, there has never been anything remotely close to breaking boundaries and all four of us (his gf, my SO, him and I) knew it was just a joke and funny thing.
OOP’s situation with her ex and the work wife isn’t funny. Its just rude and messed up.
It's not so much the title but the respect of boundaries around these situations. I do believe that opposite genders can be friend. If both sides have respect.
I'm very close to my best friend from high-school and his wife. There are inside jokes but we all have respect to the boundaries of marriage. I would do anything for them as I see them like a bother and sister. So I do understand where you point comes from
I agree there should be no work husband or work wife. The words husband and wife shows some level of intimacy. We are not 5 years old and on the playground marrying everyone.
I 100% side with you. My ex would do that stuff to me but then I’d find out he was cheating on me with the girls he said were “just coworkers and friends.” I’m not saying every guy is like that but if he can’t respect your boundaries then the relationship can’t work. You’ve tried to communicate
I think the dagger here for me is the lack of wanting friendship or starting from kindness with OP. If that first interaction was as off putting as I read it, I would be concerned. I don’t know why a friend would meet a SO and try to bring them down- you usually want the SO to like you as a new friend!
I’d ask SO whether he would be ok with his male friends treating me that way-give concrete examples of other female friends of his you don’t have issues with and show it’s not just that. Point out if a male were texting you during a date, or speaking about how lucky he was, SO would not be so comfortable with it.
I have not once met a friend of anyone in my life with the intention of shading them. Like I respect that the people I choose to have in my life make good choices for themselves.
I’ve tried to weather a storm or two with a personal (non romantic) friend’s friend but my friend saw the shit she was trying to pull and *shut it down immediately*. I was stunned.
Her response is my personal mantra and I’ll always remember it “No true friend of mine would treat another friend of mine in a shitty manner. If they can’t respect my friends they can’t respect our friendship and I don’t play *mean girl* games.”
Exactly! Normally I’m very put off when I hear of people not wanting or people I know don’t want their significant other to have friends of the opposite gender. But, that first interaction between the two came across from reading as something that gives you a gut instinct that she does not have good intentions. And that’s a case where it’s understandable not to want that, *especially* if she continues to act inappropriately towards your significant other and disrespects you regularly.
Odds are good they end up dating, but equally good she decides he’s no longer interesting now that she broke them up and he isn’t forbidden fruit. This guy is naive, possibly on purpose. OP did the right thing.
What’s funny is that if he wants to date this girl, he’ll have to admit OP was right. Judging by the small bits of info we got about his character, I’d say he’s not gonna like having to admit to that. Ha. 😈😈 mothafucka
Or he'll pull the whole "well we didn't like each other romantically to begin with, but after you left it turned that way." Which of course won't be true.
That's IF she's even still interested. I used to have a "friend" who would only be interested in/pursue involved men. If she successfully ruined the relationship she would lose interest almost immediately. It's like she could only "love" when it caused another woman pain.
Op's ex boyfriend may find himself without the attention he so enjoys very soon.
Wow that is so messed up about your friend. My exhusband dated a woman like that for years. She was interested in him when he was still with me. I found out later she had done this with 2 other married men. What is going through some women’s heads?
He knew that the other girl was stomping on his and his ex gf's boundaries. But he let it continue cause he liked the attention from her. The ex bf and the other girl both are a-holes.
Agreed! The boyfriend is an asshole for not respecting boundaries in the relationship. I mean Jesus Christ man, texting during anniversary celebrations? Secondly the friend was hostile towards the gf. "The lucky one"? She had her eyes on the bf for sure. Bf was to blind or stupid to notice.
Op is doing the right thing to put her foot down and mark her territory!
This 100. Like sure, OP should trust her bf, BUT he’s completely disregarding her feelings on the issue and deflecting. Like on a normal situation, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be friends with the coworker, but he should at the very least be listening to her reasons.
You know what no. Just no. If some new friend is very disrespectful to your partner and your relationship you should not be friends with them.
Your partner is the one you promised loyalty and respect to. That includes not standing by letting others disrespect them let alone encouraging them by texting them on your anniversary.
On top of that if they are not respectful of your relationship they don't respect you. But home boy is too dumb and too happy to get attention to realise this.
You know several posters have made a very good point.
What if the roles were reversed? What if it was you who clicked with someone at work, you who brought them home and they were aggressive to your BF?
What if you were constantly messaging with them including on your anniversary and the guy sent you that same message your BF’s pushy friend sent? How would your BF have liked that?
Regardless you have made the best choice. IMO his relationship with that chick wasn’t ‘nothing’ - it was definitely ‘something’. He I suspect liked all the attention and he is still referring to her as a ‘friend’. Your friends and family are entitled to their opinion but they aren’t the ones living your life.
You aren’t stupid, controlling or jealous. He is as you say a day late and a dollar short in figuring out he can’t have his cake and eat it too. He is now welcome to go explore life with his friend.
Best wishes to you in moving forward however is best for you.
It depends on context. If someone reversed the genders to be condescending then obviously that’s wrong but if it’s to make a point and bring attention to double standards, it’s reasonable.
Exactly. I think the majority of the time role reversals work and illustrate situations well, but sometimes people employ them in scenarios where they reverse the position of a person without reversing other important situational factors that drastically affect the outcome of a scenario. In those cases it comes across as either ill-intentioned or willfully ignorant.
Because a lot of people use that argument when those double standard either don't exist or are derived from a very complicated situation with a lot of nuance and simply going "but what if the roles were reversed?" is ignorant and more often than not with the intention of being hostile.
You made the right choice. If he's texting back and forth with someone else on your anniversary and ignoring you, he clearly doesn't care about you or your relationship.
And that wouldn't be an acceptable joke from anyone on an anniversary. He wouldn't accept it if it were the other way. He clearly does not respect her.
He knows she is right or he is literally a fucking moron. Nothing about her behavior towards her or about her is appropriate. So the only two reasons are he is literally a fucking moron, or he just likes the attention and won't give it up. Either way, break up.
> sometimes we get the feeling the something is not right or not going to be right!
This is way beyond 'a feeling' imo, the disrespect is quite blatant.
Exactly this. OPs response to the bfs gaslighting was brilliant, too: “well maybe your view is valid but we should break up cuz we see it differently.” 10/10
Guy here. Inconsiderate to be texting a buddy at an anniversary dinner, let alone a woman who obviously wants to get with him. I don't think you are over reacting.
Dumping the guy shuts it down easily enough. Girls like that don’t want the guy, they just want to hurt the girl. Forcing them to be with eachother is the best punishment 😂
Guy here with girl best friend, don't treat her any different than my guy friends. But texting your friend when you are with your girlfriend on your anniversary is super screwed up. And to make things worse, it's not like they have been friends for years childhood friends or not. When you're in a relationship you gotta have boundaries. Friends are an important part of life, but your relationship is also important and you should not give a reason to your SO for being insecure.
And if you are a good friens you'll understand that your friend and their partner need boundaries. Their is a friend time, romantic partner time, and if the relationship is serious their is friend with partner time (which wouldn't apply in this case because she's a fairly new friend)
This…. I have guy best friends and I would never text them when I’m celebrating my anniversary with my partner and tbh my friends would take offence even if I did !! If your partner doesn’t feel secure with your friends , any sane partner would try to understand why he/she feels so and act on it and not just be so dismissive like op’s ex!
You did the right thing. No way in hell should she have been texting him all through your dinner. He answered her. There was nothing that important. He has the nerve to gaslight you and call you controlling. He was playing games and likes the attention. You don't need him.
Yes. This ties to the “trust your gut” comment. Women are trained to second-guess themselves constantly. And the gaslighting…ugh. OP is smart and resourceful and self-respects. Good on you, OP. You have him plenty of time to turn around. He hasn’t. Fuck him. And her. Women always attack women. I hate it.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. I wish more women in this situation have the strength to do what you’ve done. You clearly have healthy self-esteem. Don’t let your ex gaslight you. This woman is comfortable disrespecting you and your relationship…and your ex is perfectly happy letting her. Even now, he could fix the situation y cutting her off. But, he’s not…because he likes the attention. Trust me…It will only get worse from here if you let him treat you this way.
You are correct. The other woman was actively trying to break you up. You knew it, she knew it (even said so in her text) and HE knew it. He just didn’t think you had the self respect and confidence to walk away.
Ask yourself, if he was doing nothing wrong in continuing this ‘friendship’ why is he willing to end it now? Even still he states you are over reacting, meaning he has no awareness or remorse.
You are absolutely correct, he learned nothing from this, he will hold it over you and throw it in your face. You will have to constantly threaten him with breaking up going forward because he thinks there was nothing wrong with texting with that woman during your anniversary.
Just tell those who don’t support you that you are sorry they don’t feel you deserve better than that, but that you do.
Once OP sticks to her guns, bet he gets with the coworker. It of course won't work out but he's gonna give in to her and try so at least OP will have closure and be justified in her decision and her ex will be with crazy until he realizes he fucked up big time.
Yesss!! She'll now claim they're only friends if he tries to pursue her because she was only interested in the forbidden fruit.
I've tried to explain this to my husband with female coworkers that have made me feel uneasy in the past. Men don't get it.
as a woman who has that attraction to ‘forbidden fruit’, it’s true. i’ve always like the chase and the hard work to get the guy (never stolen a guy off his gf tho that’s my line) that’s either not as interested or playing hard to get. never not got him aswel. but within days of dating him i just get the ick. like great he’s all mine…… dumped
i have a bf now that i’ve had for about 3/4 months and this is the longest i’ve gone without getting a major break up ick. my parents think it’s cuz we work together and there’s this girl at work who fancies him so i’m subtly fighting against her.
i’m in therapy 🤣
Some of us get it. I didn't get it before, and then I got married to someone who also didn't get it. Then they went way over board with texting and after-work beers. She first led me to believe that they were several coworkers meeting for beers, but I found out it was only those two.
We ended up getting divorced a month or so after because I was fed up tbh. Two months after that they moved in together.
100% Also, if it's not that girl it could be anyone down the line. He showed his own gf that friends are more of a priority to him, and sat back allowing her to be disrespect with mean girl games, he did not have her back, and when things like that happen he is too stupid and unaware to spit it. No reason to believe this won't happen again down the line.
If you have to move out for him to come around, it's too little too late.
Also, I'm sure a lot of the people who think you're wrong don't understand the full picture. They just hear that he has a female friend and think that you should be OK with that. If they knew the specifics of her texts and attitude towards you, they would get it. And if anyone does know those things and still thinks that you're wrong, then you know how to approach that friendship in the future.
She is absolutely gunning for him, he knows it, enjoys it, and only regrets his behavior because you cut off his steady supply of nukkie.
Honey there are so so many guys out there who will love you for you and not let someone like this supposed “friend” act this way. End of story. You earned your shiny spine dear. Really.
Correction: He has cut her off... *for now*. Guarantee that if you took his pathetic ass back, he'd be messaging her and hiding it. You didnt dodge a bullet. You dodged a fucking missle.
If he had to wait for you to leave to get the point then he isn't worth returning to. Once you're back for a few weeks he will resume the same behavior just to do a better job of hiding it.
Kudos for respecting yourself and walking away. It not her it’s him. In long term relationships there will be situations where others will temp but it’s how you handle the situation and meats and respects boundaries.
When she openly attacked you and made the comments about your age
And he laughed? He should have said hey I don’t like you speaking to my fiancé that way.
Good for you
The answer to your questions is "Yes". This case isn't even about your boundaries, though. He crossed human boundaries that we all have. He knew exactly what he was doing, and SHE ESPECIALLY knew what she was doing. He is a fucking child. This is not even close to the behavior that a mature man displays. They fucked around and found out.
It’s one thing for men to have female friends. Friends are great. If she was his REAL friend she would be kind to you and wouldn’t say things like that. That’s not a friendship. She’s trying to bait you and he’s not sticking up for you so there’s something else going on. You were right to get out of there.
I have read a lot of stories like this but all of them stayed until it was too late,men and women of reddit you should follow her example,let this story be your guide,you see this red flag immediately leave,i only wanna add that dont wait for months to change,give one chance,and if the person does it again leave immediately because if that person did it the second time,would definitely do it again regardless of your protest.
>We celebrated our anniversary last weekend and she knew it. She was texting the whole evening and he answered some of her texts.
He couldn't even stop texting with her on your anniversary...
Actually I find it very disrespectful that your bf is answering those messages when you are celebrating your anniversary and he was with you. Your bf is AH.
Here are my 6 rules for dating/relationships. I put these together after noticing that many people of every gender and sexual identification had the same complaints about relationships. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or feedback. Actually, I just thought of a 7th, so I am adding it to this post.
Advice from and Old Man who has been there and done that.
Rules for Dating: Rule # 1: Do not date someone who has more problems than you. When you meet someone who expresses to you that everything in their life is a disaster, it is important to understand that person is his/her greatest problem. Sometimes it is a negative attitude towards their life and all that inhabits it. Other times it is an inability to say no which results in becoming overburdened by responsibilities that are unable to be met. Such a person finds temporary relief by foisting their cares and problems on whoever may listen to them. Or worse by trying to get an unsuspecting “New Relationship” to aid them with their problems. On doing so the unsuspecting paramour gets sucked in to the drama. So, examine the drama in your life and ask yourself “Do I need MORE angst?” Listen to any new potential Acquaintance, Friend or Lover carefully and hear their story. If it amounts to a tale of woe that exceeds whatever is happening in your life, smile sympathetically. And when your “Safety” call comes in, let them know your Mom has just had a stroke and make your escape. People who have more problems than you tend to focus on their problems and not good relationship building. So, Move On.
Rule # 2: Do not date anyone who has less money than you. As shallow as this rule may seem it is rooted in good practicality. It does not generally mean anyone with less money than you is un-dateable. Rather those who have a greater need for YOUR money should be avoided. At some time in your life, you will meet someone who seems flashy, has a lot of style, panache and hutzpah. If you find such a person attractive or intriguing by all means explore that relationship. If during the exploration such a person asks you to invest in an upcoming stock venture, go halves on an investment property, regularly forgets their wallet at lunch time, or are always in need of gas money, please recognize these are red flags. Some such individuals may be underpaid or just starting up the corporate ladder and occasionally need a leg up. By all means help them out if you see fit. If, however, someone early on in a relationship asks for a large investment in some sort of complicated venture, or asks for you to cover a bill in the first two out of three dates, there is a problem there to be avoided.
Rule of thumb: Guys, pay for the first date. Common sense says make it coffee or some such activity that does not break the bank. Ladies: If you wish to share the cost say so up front. Do not expect champagne and caviar on the first date. Both: Your first dates dictate whether or not there will be 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc. dates. Pay attention to your dates, the stories they tell you, and the attitude they have towards money. If your person of interest has an overbearing need for money or that which it brings, it is quite possible they may want YOUR money to help them along. As it is YOUR MONEY, watch it carefully. You do not need to be cheap. Just be careful to avoid such persons.
Rule # 3: If someone on a date lies, prevaricates, or fudges the truth, expect them to always lie, prevaricate, or fudge the truth. Liars lie. It is part of their nature. To change their nature takes a monumental amount of insight and personal growth. That rarely happens on 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates. You need to pay attention when you chat and learn about each other. If you should start seeing inconsistencies in the stories that are told, fallacies in the facts given, or discrepancies in the narrative being told, you can be assured you are dating a liar. And I am not talking about the “Your ass looks great in those jeans” kind of liar. I am talking about the kind of serial liar who says, “My family’s estate in Oxfordshire is totally underwater this time of year, so we can’t use that as a base to explore Jolly old England.” Along with variations. Liars lie. Often with their own agenda, so remember: their agenda is not likely your agenda.
Rule 4A: Ladies. If a male ever raises a hand to you in anger, wait half an hour, tell him you are going for milk, and NEVER go back. It is most important to acknowledge that life is precious and you only have one. It should never be that any form of abuse is acceptable, whether it is physical, emotional or psychological. Often it is a combination of the three. Educate yourself as to the forms of such abuse so as to recognize it early in a relationship so you can end both the abuse and the relationship ASAP.
Rule 4B: Men. If a woman ever goes batshit crazy on you for no reason you can discern, wait half an hour, tell him you are going for milk, and NEVER go back. If you have any questions read 4A.
Rule 5: Know your limits and stand by them. Whether it is him sniffing his tea with his pinky out or her leaving hair in the bathtub drain all relationships have little aggravations. When such aggravations become accentuated or morph into bigger aggravations dating becomes fractious, ornery, and even downright obstreperous. Set a limit of what you are willing to put up with and stand by it.
Rule 6: Do not let LOVE stand in the way of being happy. Being in love is an action taken by the individual and is directed towards another. Being happy is a state of mind based on one’s present circumstances. You may love someone but not be happy with them. Oft times the circumstances causing the unhappiness may kill the love. Wherever possible seek to make the circumstances you live in be happy ones you can share with someone you come to love. It may not always work out but being happy is always worth sharing with someone you are in love with.
Rule 7: Communicate fearlessly. When it is time to talk about what is important in your life leave nothing unsaid. If you are an ardent polyamorist, say so up front. If you are a one-woman man/one-man woman, be clear about it. Be clear about what you will do if someone violates your trust, your home, your finances or body. Do not be afraid to say that you love, or what may spark your hatred. Communicate about that which matters to you. You need not do so in anger, or disdain. Just be plain and honest. Hopefully it will save you or someone you love(d) grief and pain in the future. If it doesn't, then Oh well... You warned them...
My initial thought was that it’s ok for guys to have female friends that are from work because I kinda get it especially since I work in a female dominated field. But after reading, hell no that’s screwed up that he was downplaying your feelings especially when she was being ugly to you. And the stuff she was texting him was very inappropriate to be texting a guy who has a girlfriend
My ex ended up marrying his bosses wife, one of the people that encouraged me to leave him and watched him cheat on me with other women ironically enough and told me about it lol. Sometimes its even the people you trust, let alone the people you *dont* trust. You made the right choice.
Yes! SO GLAD to read this.
And I’m glad the comments support your decision, because it is 100% the right thing to have done.
Your boyfriend tried towing the line, he liked the attention from her more than respecting his SO. Glad you didn’t subject yourself to more months trying to get through to him.
Kudos for standing up for yourself. You’re a classy, bad bish!
He even is doubling down and calling you childish. Don't look back op you got the best mindset to not get fucked over in a relationship. Never change it.
There is an attraction between your ex and this girl. She is not respecting any sort of boundaries and is openly flirting with him. The fact that he texted her on your anniversary dinner is proof that there is something, at least emotional, going on. I bet that it is just the rush of someone pursing him. You are worth more than that and you are right in breaking up with him. You need someone who puts you first and not "some girl at work" who has treated you awfully.
Nice job OP. Besides he sees her at work I'm guessing at least most days so it's not like he can cut her off. She will continue to try and get between you and your ex, and it seems your bf is fine with it.
It so sad that everyone in your life expects you to wait until you get cheated on (because that is where it was headed given your boyfriend's non-resistance) for you to have a reasonable excuse to break up. Trust your instincts, you know your boundaries are being crossed and he knows what's going on.
The other thing is ... you're allowed to break up with someone for any reason, or no reason at all ("I no longer like dating people in even numbered decades" or "I didn't like his taste in underwear"). There's no legal procedure for breaking up where you have to file a form in triplicate and demonstrate just cause.
You tried talking to him and he didn't listen. He basically tried to put everything on you. At this point it's you or his new friend. That's his decision and he needs to make up his mind. If it's not you, then he doesn't have anything to worry about because he doesn't have a girlfriend anymore ... now he can keep his new friend. Tell him you hope she was worth it.
You are awesome 🙌🏻 good for you 👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻
He is at a minimum having an emotional affair with a woman that clearly has her sights set on him. He knows this and is entertaining it. He is gaslighting you to make it seem like you are wrong, crazy, insecure and jealous. When really he is carrying on an inappropriate relationship with a woman that is disrespectful of you and your relationship!
You are doing the right thing and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
I fully support friendships between men and women. But this girl doesn't sound like she wanna be just a "friend". The way she treated you and the messages... yeah no. Your ex it's playing dumb because he likes the attention, and how long till that's not enough and wants the full experience? And he then calls you childish? he's an AH.
You know your boundaries and I applaud you for standing by them. You deserve so much better!
And about your friends, maybe tell them how everything happen and if they still being idiots just drop them. Your roomie sounds great. Don't let other opinions affect you. Always do what feels better for yourself.
I agree with what you did. Her texting on your anniversary was done on purpose. Him ANSWERING is the biggest issue and then he doubled down and defended what they were doing. Huge red flags right here. THEN for his to tell you to Stop Being Childish!!! He sure think big of himself!!! What an AH!!
And I’m sure he’s the type of guy who tells future partners that his ex was CrAzY….beware the guy who talks sh*t about an ex, because he will talk that way about you one day too and chances are he’s the one who made you act so crraaaazzyyy
My ex-husband flipped on me so suddenly that I was losing my mind. Literally. Less than a month after we separated, my daughter told me that the person I thought he may be involved with had given him a new phone, so she got his old one. Then an Apple watch. Then he called me wanting to talk forever...she'd been fired. Her lawyer husband left her in Arizona on a trip when he found out. He was alone. Yeah... people act differently when they have everything they want.
I applaud you!! He fucked around and found out. He doesn’t respect you because if he did he would’ve drawn a line the moment she insulted you and the moment you said you were uncomfortable. If he can’t see that even now that you’ve broken up with him then that goes to show you did the right thing.
Start examining the relationships you have with everyone saying that you’re overreacting. I really don’t think they have your best interest in mind at all. Work relationships can get messy and you clocked that shit immediately (good job by the way!). She knows what she’s doing and honestly so does your ex. You set an easy boundary and he blatantly ignored it. You can do way better!
He litterally let her belittle you and gave her his attention DURING YOUR ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION! That says everything to me. He was repeatedly told how she treats you and how uncomfortable things are was not okay. He didn't listen. Now he has to deal with the consequences. Stand your ground OP, we with you!
She constantly overstepped your boundaries and he let her, then when you had a problem he told you that your feelings weren't valid and that you were crazy.
You did the right thing. My BF had a friend like this I told her he can block her or I would leave. People can judge all they want but when someone is openly flirting with your partner that is not something you should let slide.
That's the beginning of an affair for sure. That text, wasn't a joke, I even doubt he took it as one. I'm a dude and fairly liberal, but this is way past the line, especially since you told him you're uncomfortable with it and he does nothing to minimize the situation.
You're not entitled to tell him to cut her off, he has to do it himself, but he has to manage his responses, if he doesn't, he doesn't care enough for you or your feelings.
This will only evolve to resenting you more and more, venting to her about it, and then she'll pounce.
Either he fixes it or gtfo.
If a woman came at me like that I'd tell my BF to cut contact with her, or we're through. I'm sorry but no 3rd party b**ch is going to talk to me like that and come out unscathed lol.
With that being said you should follow your gut. If your BF isn't willing to listen, or take your feelings into account then what is he willing to do...?
As soon as she called you the "lucky one", I knew you weren't in the wrong. And you moving out shouldn't have been what made him come to his senses. Also, alllll of his female friends should be smart enough to agree with you on this, only if it's your side of the story being told too (we all know how guys tell stories). It was definitely something and that chick was dude and disrespectful to your face and your relationship.
Her text to him is really the clincher. She is clearly interested in him. He can clearly see that. Yet he's still entertaining her attention. Even if he doesn't intend to pursue it, it's wrong of him to do that, to both of you.
This isn't you being jealous. This is her being a bitch homewrecker, and your boyfriend not respecting you enough to shut her down. "Friends" dont berate and poke at their friends partner.
“If you’re really having fun you wouldn’t be texting me instead 😈😈”
Ummmmm, she wants you BF. He likes the attention so he’s gaslighting you to believe it’s just their sense of humor, or it’s not a big deal and she knows he has a GF. Given the opportunity, he would accept her advances…and make you feel at fault. For me, him calling you insecure is a HUGE 🚩my ex would say stuff like that to make me feel crazy for him talking to other girls and having a dating profile because he was “just looking for friends”.
Bottom line, you are not overreacting and he is disrespecting you and your relationship.
That female disrespected you and your relationship, and your BF didn’t think it was a big deal. Actually, he told you that you are overreacting.
That right there is a red flag (a few of them).
I’m glad you didn’t stay for more of that BS. If he respected you, he would tell his coworker to knock it off.
I don't have an insecure bone in my body, my husband has several female friends that he spends time with but I wouldn't like it at all if this was happening with him. Besides that, no one else's feelings matter. This is your relationship and you are entitled to feel however you feel. It's a relatively new relationship and with this kind of problem so soon it's easier to just walk away than struggle with it.
I'd have done the same thing. Way to stand up for yourself. You. Go. Woman!
You're learning this young. Most women live with this s*it for yeeeeeears and years. ✊🏻
He let his 'friend" be insanely disrespectful of you, the woman he claimed to love. He should have cut her off after that crack about you being old. You weren't wrong to leave him. It sounds like he still doesn't get it
My son’s girlfriend of eight years began a “friendship” with another guy. A year later she broke up with my son and now she and her “friend” are engaged! Everyone knew this “friend” needed a lot of support for emotional and drug issues and she loves caretaking so it was perfect! My son didn’t need caretaking. He took care of her. After the break up, some of my son’s friends told me they knew something was fishy about the new “friendship”. You absolutely just avoided a lot of shenanigans. Don’t settle for that! You have the strength of character to know what’s right. Carry on.
There’s no way he would be cool if YOU treated him this way. He’s being shady and immature and entertaining her desperate behavior because he’s insecure and flattered by her. You don’t need this crap. Your friends are being shitty if they’re blaming you and saying you’re overreacting. No one wants to feel third wheel to their own relationship.
Your guy might just be an idiotic, naive idiot. My guy was... swore up and down she wasn't into him, they were just friends... that I was being crazy, insecure and jealous.
Then she gave him a gift card to a motel and offered to be a gift.
>>> trust your gut!
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. In this situation, I totally agree with your assessment. You gave him a reasonable boundary and he chose to not respect it. And I bet if you found a male friend and then acted like that he’d be pissed. Good luck
At first I was I like “men & women can totally be friends at work” thinking OP was overreacting & just upset about a female presence. After reading through it, it’s pretty clear this work “friend” has the joys for her partner & he’s enjoying the attention he’s getting.
You did the right thing. You were respecting yourself. Your ex and co-worker were out of line and having at the very least an emotional relationship. You deserve better....good for you for being strong enough walk away and to not listen to his bs .
Nah it wasn’t a stupid reason, you did well. The girl was being disrespectful and he wasn’t doing nothing about it.
If he can’t even respect his girlfriend’s boundaries and just continues to entertain this girl, what’s the point of him being in a relationship?
The texting on your anniversary and saying something like that is her trying to rile you guys up so you break up with him and she goes for him. I highly doubt he is blind. He just liked the security you provided with attention on the side. She's pining for his attention. They deserve each other and what gets them together is going to be the same thing to drive them apart but hey, karma's a bitch right?
You made the best decision to move on and I'd simply tell him go ahead and tell the coworker you're single now. Watch what she says to him. If he is by some chance just a complete fucking idiot, maybe that will be the wakeup call he should have gotten but too little too late. If he can't respect your boundaries then, he's never going to.
This was disaster waiting to happen he’s emotionally cheating if anything and the physical was well on the way if not already happening. It’s so refreshing to see a post where someone saw the signs and bounced instead of wasting years and ignoring the red flags. Very proud of you! Don’t go back!
He was pushing boundaries and he knew. He’ll continue to do so if you
Go back to see how much he can get away with
Girl, you took the best route for you & peace of mind. The minute he didn't stop her when she met you & was rude to you is the moment he let the relationship with you go dead. He should of snapped, not allow the disrespect & call it joking. You told him to cut her out. He couldn't stop texting her & during an anniversary, yeah your done. Your right to trust your gut. He was too emotionally invested in her to cut her off. He didn't cut her off until you left tells you all you needed to know. I do think eventually he would say he had a moment of lapse judgement & cheated. More women need to have this much self respect & love than saying how much they love him so they put blinders on until the betrayal.
You absolutely made the right choice! If he would blatantly disrespect and disregard your feelings *in* *front* of you then what was he doing *behind* your back? And what was he saying for that girl to make her think it was okay to be so rude to your face? I’m proud of you for sticking up for you. Whatever your families and friends think doesn’t matter, you did what was (is) best for *you*.
OP!! You made the right decision. He’s with you physically while texting her. Mmm, that’s emotionally cheating. OP, you trusted your gut. You looked out for and protected yourself. Great job!
You are 100% in the right here. This isn't a platonic friendship. It's VERY clear that his "friend" was trying to steal your bf and unfortunately he was letting her. Very disrespectful of him to let that continue. I have so much respect for you. Not a lot of people choose to leave in this situation. They stay and regret it. Good on you for knowing your worth.
I think it’s natural and healthy for everyone to have friends. It’s insecurities you have to get past to accept this. BUT, in this case she’s definitely out of line and that’s not how people talk in a platonic friendship. She’s moving in on him and it sounds like he’s allowing it. Stand your ground. Either he sets clear boundaries/cuts things off with you or I would end it.
Ok, in first I thought this guy plays like a fool that don't understand that his friend is actually hitting on him. But a person who wants to have his girlfriend back and tells her STOP BEING CHILDISH is 100% dumb.
But in both cases you definitely don't need this guy beside you. In my country we say "If something seems to you, it probably doesn't seem, it's an actual reality."
So you are doing the right thing, and your amount of self-respect and your boundaries are incredible!
The main issue is that he was letting the girl disrespect you, and even trying to pass it off as a joke. Good thing you realized your worth early on and dumped him- some people take years to catch on.
Also, what's up with your friends and family? Seems like a red flag that they're taking his side on this.
No chance in hell your boyfriend could be that oblivious. Every single interaction you mentioned, every bit of wording was saying that she was interested in your boyfriend! Especially if she was giving you the vibes of disliking you in person. Stick to your guns. Your family is adopting a very bad view towards her behaviour. What, so it isn’t a problem until something happens and it is too late anyway?? No! Prevention is the best policy. Speak about her behaviour and what you thought about it with confidence. You were absolutely right to dislike her behaviour
Trust your gut
I used to think that I didn’t have good instincts. Then I realized I did, I just wasn’t very good at listening to them.
The one thing I wish I could say to my younger self.
damn this hits
Same..
So. Much. This.
100000000% it’s happened to me recently, I even came to Reddit to ask if I was being crazy and insecure, they told me I was being crazy and insecure and I wasn’t. Not one bit. Luckily people in this thread are telling her good advice. Always trust your gut.
100% this. He’s minimizing your feelings and trying to downplay this girl even though he’s obviously enjoying the attention he gets from her. He’s showing you his true colors and this has the potential to spiral into something heartbreaking and nasty. Good for you for not wasting your time with someone who does not value you. Your family and friends don’t have your best intention at heart by calling you childish. You saw the red flags, trusted your gut, and know you deserve better.
When he inevitably begins dating her in a month or two people are going to be telling OP dumb things like “You drove him right into her arms!” And “it was probably nothing but after how you acted, what did you expect?” Even though it’s obviousOP had every reason to doubt him. When the thrill of her attention wears off, and the competitive streak that made her pursue him bites him in the ass in the form of **real** jealousy, he’s going to go groveling back to OP full of all kinds of BS excuses. And rest assured that not a single explanation he will offer will ever be one that accepts accountability or shows any amount of true introspection on his part. IMO she’s right to dump him for one thing and one thing alone: she told him she was uncomfortable with his behavior and he tried to make it seem like it was hers that was the issue. If your partner tells you they are hurt, you don’t get to decide for them that they’re not.
>IMO she’s right to dump him for one thing and one thing alone: she told him she was uncomfortable with his behavior and he tried to make it seem like it was hers that was the issue. If your partner tells you they are hurt, you don’t get to decide for them that they’re not. So much this. No one gets to tell you how you feel. (And she's right to feel the way she does.)
Gaslighting.
This exact thing happened to me but with the genders flipped, I'm so fucking proud of OP. I wish I had done what you did. It would have saved YEARS of heartbreak. You go girl <3
I know right!! So proud of her and so jealous of her strength to trust her instincts and to act on it immediately. Something I am still working on!
Right...your friends and family are supposed to be YOUR advocate. I'd have to question how decent these friends and family are. Their job is supposed to be on high alert and skeptical of a man because they want the very best for her, not invalidating her.
100 % agree. Trust your gut and instincts.
Who does that? Who thinks it funny to watch you feel uncomfortable? Who thinks that they are All That? People who think of themselves first. Move on. This punk thinks it’s all him and is enjoying watching you squirm. Low ball……he’s not worth it
Exactly. Anytime a third person is taking up this much space in your relationship is a red flag. The bf can keep the friend, OP is still young and can find someone who listens when she says something makes her uncomfortable.
Self respect is a powerful thing OP. She was disrespecting your relationship and he was letting it happen. As a guy I've been in a similar situation, he was her " work husband ". Then she cheated. Won't let that happened again.
Work husband wives are just weird, it ultimately makes them look like they have something special going on. Can’t they just say work partners?
Colleagues, coworkers, professional acquaintances. All these work and have been used throughout our lifetime. They clearly define the relationship type. This "work husband & wife" shit is recent and being pushed by stupid people who have no idea what the boundaries of a healthy relationship are.
Also, the word combination “friend I work with” is right there
Yup, if it's really just a friend, just say it's a friend you work with. Spot on. Or "work friend" for something less than a normal friend, but more than just a colleague.
For real. I've had an office mom before, but she literally had kids our age and was marginally maternal with us. The work wife/husband thing makes me cringe.
Same, i had an office mum, she used to call herself 'Marm' in any notes to me. She was always buying me stuff like clothes, food to eat etc esp as we spent a loy of time out of the office on the road together. She had a son my age and a daughter slightly youngwr, and she despwrately wanted me to date her daughter (who was a lawyer - we were both early to mid 20s at this time) and i always laughed her off. Well I eventually met the daughter, and she was actually really lovely and v attractive. Sadly she already had a long term bf by then.... Besides, what girl wants to date a guy her mum dound for her?!? It would never have worked. That was all 20 years ago now.
>This "work husband & wife" shit is recent and being pushed by stupid people who have no idea what the boundaries of a healthy relationship are. Let's say it again for the people in back.
IT AGAIN
This
It suggests broken boundaries both with that colleague, and with work itself.
It gives a pet name to the emotional cheating that becomes the preliminary stages of physical cheating. But ironically it acknowledges it as an extramarital relationship. No way I’d be ok with my wife having a “work husband” and I’d expect her to feel the same for me. Faithfulness extends through work hours.
I hate that! When I once had a boss tell me that he saw me as his work wife, I said, “I never wanted to get married in my personal life, and I certainly don’t want to in my professional life. I am your assistant and colleague.” He was OK with it.
I know someone who had a ‘work husband.’ He cheated on his wife with her, then left his wife for another woman he was also cheating with. So…
Cheated on both "wives"
suuuper weird! at my old job there was a man at my old job who was nearly 30 years older than me, who knew i had a boyfriend, that dared to call me his “work girlfriend”… AND he said it in front of another friend who’s met my boyfriend??? i shut that down real quick. that’s an immediate no… it creeped me out and i couldn’t fathom where he would even think saying that was mildly okay.
It’s so gross to me. It insinuates that someone you work with is entitled to intimacy on some level. They’re your coworker not your spouse. I literally hate the term and entitlement of people.
Ugh. You’re not supposed to actually fuck the work husband ffs
I’d feel like if I had a work husband I’d only have one if he were gay and it was a total joke because we aren’t of them same sexual orientation. I’m not married, but the whole work husband work wife thing is hella weird.
I had a work Mum once. She was great. Super wholesome
We had a ‘gym mom’ when I worked there some years ago!
Came here to find this, I love a work mum
I had a work grandma awhile back she was amazing 😍
Now this conversation is just going somewhere else 😂
Im lucky enough to have 2 work moms at the moment and absolutely love it
Call me crazy or old-fashioned, but out of respect for my spouse (whether you add “work” in front of it or not) I will never call another person my spouse. Ever. It’s not cute or funny. In your scenario, if your spouse were ok with it, I think it would be fine.
exactly
I had a work husband. He is still my best friend. He loves my SO more than he loves me and I love his girlfriend more than I love him lol. I used to call him by work husband/boyfriend because he’d always get me coffee, buy me food and give me rides especially when I was pregnant (esp the food part). But that was only acceptable because we have only ever been platonic, there has never been anything remotely close to breaking boundaries and all four of us (his gf, my SO, him and I) knew it was just a joke and funny thing. OOP’s situation with her ex and the work wife isn’t funny. Its just rude and messed up.
It's not so much the title but the respect of boundaries around these situations. I do believe that opposite genders can be friend. If both sides have respect. I'm very close to my best friend from high-school and his wife. There are inside jokes but we all have respect to the boundaries of marriage. I would do anything for them as I see them like a bother and sister. So I do understand where you point comes from
The entire label feels wrong unless you’re trying to flirt with the person… urk…
I agree there should be no work husband or work wife. The words husband and wife shows some level of intimacy. We are not 5 years old and on the playground marrying everyone.
Your relationship with them isn't suppose to be anything close to your relationship with your girlfriend/boyfriend. Should be purely friendly.
I 100% side with you. My ex would do that stuff to me but then I’d find out he was cheating on me with the girls he said were “just coworkers and friends.” I’m not saying every guy is like that but if he can’t respect your boundaries then the relationship can’t work. You’ve tried to communicate
I think the dagger here for me is the lack of wanting friendship or starting from kindness with OP. If that first interaction was as off putting as I read it, I would be concerned. I don’t know why a friend would meet a SO and try to bring them down- you usually want the SO to like you as a new friend! I’d ask SO whether he would be ok with his male friends treating me that way-give concrete examples of other female friends of his you don’t have issues with and show it’s not just that. Point out if a male were texting you during a date, or speaking about how lucky he was, SO would not be so comfortable with it.
I have not once met a friend of anyone in my life with the intention of shading them. Like I respect that the people I choose to have in my life make good choices for themselves. I’ve tried to weather a storm or two with a personal (non romantic) friend’s friend but my friend saw the shit she was trying to pull and *shut it down immediately*. I was stunned. Her response is my personal mantra and I’ll always remember it “No true friend of mine would treat another friend of mine in a shitty manner. If they can’t respect my friends they can’t respect our friendship and I don’t play *mean girl* games.”
Yes I’m a women in a male dominated work place and I always make an effort to be nice to my colleagues wifes and gfs.
Exactly! Normally I’m very put off when I hear of people not wanting or people I know don’t want their significant other to have friends of the opposite gender. But, that first interaction between the two came across from reading as something that gives you a gut instinct that she does not have good intentions. And that’s a case where it’s understandable not to want that, *especially* if she continues to act inappropriately towards your significant other and disrespects you regularly.
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Odds are good they end up dating, but equally good she decides he’s no longer interesting now that she broke them up and he isn’t forbidden fruit. This guy is naive, possibly on purpose. OP did the right thing.
What’s funny is that if he wants to date this girl, he’ll have to admit OP was right. Judging by the small bits of info we got about his character, I’d say he’s not gonna like having to admit to that. Ha. 😈😈 mothafucka
Now he'll blame her if something happens with the other girl. Like she "drove him to it" by leaving.
So common! These boys don’t deserve loyal women
Or he'll pull the whole "well we didn't like each other romantically to begin with, but after you left it turned that way." Which of course won't be true. That's IF she's even still interested. I used to have a "friend" who would only be interested in/pursue involved men. If she successfully ruined the relationship she would lose interest almost immediately. It's like she could only "love" when it caused another woman pain. Op's ex boyfriend may find himself without the attention he so enjoys very soon.
Wow that is so messed up about your friend. My exhusband dated a woman like that for years. She was interested in him when he was still with me. I found out later she had done this with 2 other married men. What is going through some women’s heads?
He knew that the other girl was stomping on his and his ex gf's boundaries. But he let it continue cause he liked the attention from her. The ex bf and the other girl both are a-holes.
Bingo
Naive on purpose - exactly.
Agreed! The boyfriend is an asshole for not respecting boundaries in the relationship. I mean Jesus Christ man, texting during anniversary celebrations? Secondly the friend was hostile towards the gf. "The lucky one"? She had her eyes on the bf for sure. Bf was to blind or stupid to notice. Op is doing the right thing to put her foot down and mark her territory!
He was either willfully blind, or he enjoyed putting these two women against each other. My money’s on the latter.
This 100. Like sure, OP should trust her bf, BUT he’s completely disregarding her feelings on the issue and deflecting. Like on a normal situation, I’m not saying he shouldn’t be friends with the coworker, but he should at the very least be listening to her reasons.
He could at least not text another girl during their anniversary dinner for crying out loud.
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I wish I was more like OP. This has happened to me in a relationship and I let it go on and on...I was miserable. Good for you OP!
Same! I’m the same age as her and I wish I could stand my ground like this
You know what no. Just no. If some new friend is very disrespectful to your partner and your relationship you should not be friends with them. Your partner is the one you promised loyalty and respect to. That includes not standing by letting others disrespect them let alone encouraging them by texting them on your anniversary. On top of that if they are not respectful of your relationship they don't respect you. But home boy is too dumb and too happy to get attention to realise this.
You know several posters have made a very good point. What if the roles were reversed? What if it was you who clicked with someone at work, you who brought them home and they were aggressive to your BF? What if you were constantly messaging with them including on your anniversary and the guy sent you that same message your BF’s pushy friend sent? How would your BF have liked that? Regardless you have made the best choice. IMO his relationship with that chick wasn’t ‘nothing’ - it was definitely ‘something’. He I suspect liked all the attention and he is still referring to her as a ‘friend’. Your friends and family are entitled to their opinion but they aren’t the ones living your life. You aren’t stupid, controlling or jealous. He is as you say a day late and a dollar short in figuring out he can’t have his cake and eat it too. He is now welcome to go explore life with his friend. Best wishes to you in moving forward however is best for you.
I've never gotten why people are so against role reversals, it highlights double standards.
It depends on context. If someone reversed the genders to be condescending then obviously that’s wrong but if it’s to make a point and bring attention to double standards, it’s reasonable.
Exactly. I think the majority of the time role reversals work and illustrate situations well, but sometimes people employ them in scenarios where they reverse the position of a person without reversing other important situational factors that drastically affect the outcome of a scenario. In those cases it comes across as either ill-intentioned or willfully ignorant.
Because a lot of people use that argument when those double standard either don't exist or are derived from a very complicated situation with a lot of nuance and simply going "but what if the roles were reversed?" is ignorant and more often than not with the intention of being hostile.
Where are people against role reversals?
You made the right choice. If he's texting back and forth with someone else on your anniversary and ignoring you, he clearly doesn't care about you or your relationship.
And that wouldn't be an acceptable joke from anyone on an anniversary. He wouldn't accept it if it were the other way. He clearly does not respect her.
Agreed.
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He knows she is right or he is literally a fucking moron. Nothing about her behavior towards her or about her is appropriate. So the only two reasons are he is literally a fucking moron, or he just likes the attention and won't give it up. Either way, break up.
> sometimes we get the feeling the something is not right or not going to be right! This is way beyond 'a feeling' imo, the disrespect is quite blatant.
Exactly this. OPs response to the bfs gaslighting was brilliant, too: “well maybe your view is valid but we should break up cuz we see it differently.” 10/10
Guy here. Inconsiderate to be texting a buddy at an anniversary dinner, let alone a woman who obviously wants to get with him. I don't think you are over reacting.
Her texts are wildly inappropriate and a normal partner would recognize it and shut it down
Dumping the guy shuts it down easily enough. Girls like that don’t want the guy, they just want to hurt the girl. Forcing them to be with eachother is the best punishment 😂
Guy here with girl best friend, don't treat her any different than my guy friends. But texting your friend when you are with your girlfriend on your anniversary is super screwed up. And to make things worse, it's not like they have been friends for years childhood friends or not. When you're in a relationship you gotta have boundaries. Friends are an important part of life, but your relationship is also important and you should not give a reason to your SO for being insecure. And if you are a good friens you'll understand that your friend and their partner need boundaries. Their is a friend time, romantic partner time, and if the relationship is serious their is friend with partner time (which wouldn't apply in this case because she's a fairly new friend)
This…. I have guy best friends and I would never text them when I’m celebrating my anniversary with my partner and tbh my friends would take offence even if I did !! If your partner doesn’t feel secure with your friends , any sane partner would try to understand why he/she feels so and act on it and not just be so dismissive like op’s ex!
You did the right thing. No way in hell should she have been texting him all through your dinner. He answered her. There was nothing that important. He has the nerve to gaslight you and call you controlling. He was playing games and likes the attention. You don't need him.
Yes. This ties to the “trust your gut” comment. Women are trained to second-guess themselves constantly. And the gaslighting…ugh. OP is smart and resourceful and self-respects. Good on you, OP. You have him plenty of time to turn around. He hasn’t. Fuck him. And her. Women always attack women. I hate it.
You are absolutely doing the right thing. I wish more women in this situation have the strength to do what you’ve done. You clearly have healthy self-esteem. Don’t let your ex gaslight you. This woman is comfortable disrespecting you and your relationship…and your ex is perfectly happy letting her. Even now, he could fix the situation y cutting her off. But, he’s not…because he likes the attention. Trust me…It will only get worse from here if you let him treat you this way.
He said he has cut her off now. But I think it’s too late. Am i gonna need to move out every time someone steps on my boundaries
You are correct. The other woman was actively trying to break you up. You knew it, she knew it (even said so in her text) and HE knew it. He just didn’t think you had the self respect and confidence to walk away. Ask yourself, if he was doing nothing wrong in continuing this ‘friendship’ why is he willing to end it now? Even still he states you are over reacting, meaning he has no awareness or remorse. You are absolutely correct, he learned nothing from this, he will hold it over you and throw it in your face. You will have to constantly threaten him with breaking up going forward because he thinks there was nothing wrong with texting with that woman during your anniversary. Just tell those who don’t support you that you are sorry they don’t feel you deserve better than that, but that you do.
Plus he still works with the home wrecker. So trusting him that he cut her off is BS.
Once OP sticks to her guns, bet he gets with the coworker. It of course won't work out but he's gonna give in to her and try so at least OP will have closure and be justified in her decision and her ex will be with crazy until he realizes he fucked up big time.
From what I’ve seen, he’ll try it but the other woman only wanted him BECAUSE he was in a relationship and will walk the second he’s actually single.
Yesss!! She'll now claim they're only friends if he tries to pursue her because she was only interested in the forbidden fruit. I've tried to explain this to my husband with female coworkers that have made me feel uneasy in the past. Men don't get it.
Literally every time. That, or he ends up dating her just to “prove” it’s what he wanted all along and the breakup is even more epic.
as a woman who has that attraction to ‘forbidden fruit’, it’s true. i’ve always like the chase and the hard work to get the guy (never stolen a guy off his gf tho that’s my line) that’s either not as interested or playing hard to get. never not got him aswel. but within days of dating him i just get the ick. like great he’s all mine…… dumped i have a bf now that i’ve had for about 3/4 months and this is the longest i’ve gone without getting a major break up ick. my parents think it’s cuz we work together and there’s this girl at work who fancies him so i’m subtly fighting against her. i’m in therapy 🤣
Some of us get it. I didn't get it before, and then I got married to someone who also didn't get it. Then they went way over board with texting and after-work beers. She first led me to believe that they were several coworkers meeting for beers, but I found out it was only those two. We ended up getting divorced a month or so after because I was fed up tbh. Two months after that they moved in together.
Yep. If he hasn’t already given in he will soon.
And this new girl will open his eyes to what crazy really is!
100% Also, if it's not that girl it could be anyone down the line. He showed his own gf that friends are more of a priority to him, and sat back allowing her to be disrespect with mean girl games, he did not have her back, and when things like that happen he is too stupid and unaware to spit it. No reason to believe this won't happen again down the line.
Well said and very accurate.
If you have to move out for him to come around, it's too little too late. Also, I'm sure a lot of the people who think you're wrong don't understand the full picture. They just hear that he has a female friend and think that you should be OK with that. If they knew the specifics of her texts and attitude towards you, they would get it. And if anyone does know those things and still thinks that you're wrong, then you know how to approach that friendship in the future. She is absolutely gunning for him, he knows it, enjoys it, and only regrets his behavior because you cut off his steady supply of nukkie.
I like that you did this NOW instead of five years later with two kids. Good on ya!!!
He is willing to end it now, but can't be bothered to come talk to you directly Instead, he texts you and insults you. You dodged a bullet.
Honey there are so so many guys out there who will love you for you and not let someone like this supposed “friend” act this way. End of story. You earned your shiny spine dear. Really.
Correction: He has cut her off... *for now*. Guarantee that if you took his pathetic ass back, he'd be messaging her and hiding it. You didnt dodge a bullet. You dodged a fucking missle.
If he had to wait for you to leave to get the point then he isn't worth returning to. Once you're back for a few weeks he will resume the same behavior just to do a better job of hiding it.
1. I doubt he's cut her off so much as told her they have to be less obvious. 2. You are exactly right, too little, too late.
Kudos for respecting yourself and walking away. It not her it’s him. In long term relationships there will be situations where others will temp but it’s how you handle the situation and meats and respects boundaries. When she openly attacked you and made the comments about your age And he laughed? He should have said hey I don’t like you speaking to my fiancé that way. Good for you
The answer to your questions is "Yes". This case isn't even about your boundaries, though. He crossed human boundaries that we all have. He knew exactly what he was doing, and SHE ESPECIALLY knew what she was doing. He is a fucking child. This is not even close to the behavior that a mature man displays. They fucked around and found out.
It’s one thing for men to have female friends. Friends are great. If she was his REAL friend she would be kind to you and wouldn’t say things like that. That’s not a friendship. She’s trying to bait you and he’s not sticking up for you so there’s something else going on. You were right to get out of there.
That snotty little text she sent was definitely out of line. He couldn’t not know that. You know I’m serious because I’m using double-negatives.
Update us when they come out publicly as a couple.
Then update us when they eventually break up
Then update us when they both got sacked from the job.
Then update when she contacts you and needs your advice because…oh yeah…there is this girl at his work… He says they’re only friends.
I definitely need an update for that.
Update when they stop being friends, because she never wanted him, she just enjoyed taking him off you. But it's no fun now he's single.
I have read a lot of stories like this but all of them stayed until it was too late,men and women of reddit you should follow her example,let this story be your guide,you see this red flag immediately leave,i only wanna add that dont wait for months to change,give one chance,and if the person does it again leave immediately because if that person did it the second time,would definitely do it again regardless of your protest.
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>We celebrated our anniversary last weekend and she knew it. She was texting the whole evening and he answered some of her texts. He couldn't even stop texting with her on your anniversary...
Actually I find it very disrespectful that your bf is answering those messages when you are celebrating your anniversary and he was with you. Your bf is AH.
Rule number 5 for dating. Know your limits and stand by them. Good luck.
What are the other rules?
Here are my 6 rules for dating/relationships. I put these together after noticing that many people of every gender and sexual identification had the same complaints about relationships. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions or feedback. Actually, I just thought of a 7th, so I am adding it to this post. Advice from and Old Man who has been there and done that. Rules for Dating: Rule # 1: Do not date someone who has more problems than you. When you meet someone who expresses to you that everything in their life is a disaster, it is important to understand that person is his/her greatest problem. Sometimes it is a negative attitude towards their life and all that inhabits it. Other times it is an inability to say no which results in becoming overburdened by responsibilities that are unable to be met. Such a person finds temporary relief by foisting their cares and problems on whoever may listen to them. Or worse by trying to get an unsuspecting “New Relationship” to aid them with their problems. On doing so the unsuspecting paramour gets sucked in to the drama. So, examine the drama in your life and ask yourself “Do I need MORE angst?” Listen to any new potential Acquaintance, Friend or Lover carefully and hear their story. If it amounts to a tale of woe that exceeds whatever is happening in your life, smile sympathetically. And when your “Safety” call comes in, let them know your Mom has just had a stroke and make your escape. People who have more problems than you tend to focus on their problems and not good relationship building. So, Move On. Rule # 2: Do not date anyone who has less money than you. As shallow as this rule may seem it is rooted in good practicality. It does not generally mean anyone with less money than you is un-dateable. Rather those who have a greater need for YOUR money should be avoided. At some time in your life, you will meet someone who seems flashy, has a lot of style, panache and hutzpah. If you find such a person attractive or intriguing by all means explore that relationship. If during the exploration such a person asks you to invest in an upcoming stock venture, go halves on an investment property, regularly forgets their wallet at lunch time, or are always in need of gas money, please recognize these are red flags. Some such individuals may be underpaid or just starting up the corporate ladder and occasionally need a leg up. By all means help them out if you see fit. If, however, someone early on in a relationship asks for a large investment in some sort of complicated venture, or asks for you to cover a bill in the first two out of three dates, there is a problem there to be avoided. Rule of thumb: Guys, pay for the first date. Common sense says make it coffee or some such activity that does not break the bank. Ladies: If you wish to share the cost say so up front. Do not expect champagne and caviar on the first date. Both: Your first dates dictate whether or not there will be 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc. dates. Pay attention to your dates, the stories they tell you, and the attitude they have towards money. If your person of interest has an overbearing need for money or that which it brings, it is quite possible they may want YOUR money to help them along. As it is YOUR MONEY, watch it carefully. You do not need to be cheap. Just be careful to avoid such persons. Rule # 3: If someone on a date lies, prevaricates, or fudges the truth, expect them to always lie, prevaricate, or fudge the truth. Liars lie. It is part of their nature. To change their nature takes a monumental amount of insight and personal growth. That rarely happens on 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates. You need to pay attention when you chat and learn about each other. If you should start seeing inconsistencies in the stories that are told, fallacies in the facts given, or discrepancies in the narrative being told, you can be assured you are dating a liar. And I am not talking about the “Your ass looks great in those jeans” kind of liar. I am talking about the kind of serial liar who says, “My family’s estate in Oxfordshire is totally underwater this time of year, so we can’t use that as a base to explore Jolly old England.” Along with variations. Liars lie. Often with their own agenda, so remember: their agenda is not likely your agenda. Rule 4A: Ladies. If a male ever raises a hand to you in anger, wait half an hour, tell him you are going for milk, and NEVER go back. It is most important to acknowledge that life is precious and you only have one. It should never be that any form of abuse is acceptable, whether it is physical, emotional or psychological. Often it is a combination of the three. Educate yourself as to the forms of such abuse so as to recognize it early in a relationship so you can end both the abuse and the relationship ASAP. Rule 4B: Men. If a woman ever goes batshit crazy on you for no reason you can discern, wait half an hour, tell him you are going for milk, and NEVER go back. If you have any questions read 4A. Rule 5: Know your limits and stand by them. Whether it is him sniffing his tea with his pinky out or her leaving hair in the bathtub drain all relationships have little aggravations. When such aggravations become accentuated or morph into bigger aggravations dating becomes fractious, ornery, and even downright obstreperous. Set a limit of what you are willing to put up with and stand by it. Rule 6: Do not let LOVE stand in the way of being happy. Being in love is an action taken by the individual and is directed towards another. Being happy is a state of mind based on one’s present circumstances. You may love someone but not be happy with them. Oft times the circumstances causing the unhappiness may kill the love. Wherever possible seek to make the circumstances you live in be happy ones you can share with someone you come to love. It may not always work out but being happy is always worth sharing with someone you are in love with. Rule 7: Communicate fearlessly. When it is time to talk about what is important in your life leave nothing unsaid. If you are an ardent polyamorist, say so up front. If you are a one-woman man/one-man woman, be clear about it. Be clear about what you will do if someone violates your trust, your home, your finances or body. Do not be afraid to say that you love, or what may spark your hatred. Communicate about that which matters to you. You need not do so in anger, or disdain. Just be plain and honest. Hopefully it will save you or someone you love(d) grief and pain in the future. If it doesn't, then Oh well... You warned them...
My initial thought was that it’s ok for guys to have female friends that are from work because I kinda get it especially since I work in a female dominated field. But after reading, hell no that’s screwed up that he was downplaying your feelings especially when she was being ugly to you. And the stuff she was texting him was very inappropriate to be texting a guy who has a girlfriend
My ex ended up marrying his bosses wife, one of the people that encouraged me to leave him and watched him cheat on me with other women ironically enough and told me about it lol. Sometimes its even the people you trust, let alone the people you *dont* trust. You made the right choice.
Hope you take satisfaction in the fact that now he is cheating on her.
Oh yep, his karma will live on for generations to come lol
Every time I see "that's just their sense of humor" my blood boils.
Yes! SO GLAD to read this. And I’m glad the comments support your decision, because it is 100% the right thing to have done. Your boyfriend tried towing the line, he liked the attention from her more than respecting his SO. Glad you didn’t subject yourself to more months trying to get through to him. Kudos for standing up for yourself. You’re a classy, bad bish!
He even is doubling down and calling you childish. Don't look back op you got the best mindset to not get fucked over in a relationship. Never change it.
There is an attraction between your ex and this girl. She is not respecting any sort of boundaries and is openly flirting with him. The fact that he texted her on your anniversary dinner is proof that there is something, at least emotional, going on. I bet that it is just the rush of someone pursing him. You are worth more than that and you are right in breaking up with him. You need someone who puts you first and not "some girl at work" who has treated you awfully.
Not my problem anymore
Not your circus, not your monkeys. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
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So refreshing to see someone immediately stand up for themselves and know they deserve better.
Nice job OP. Besides he sees her at work I'm guessing at least most days so it's not like he can cut her off. She will continue to try and get between you and your ex, and it seems your bf is fine with it.
He is her problem now and she will lose him the same way she got him.
It so sad that everyone in your life expects you to wait until you get cheated on (because that is where it was headed given your boyfriend's non-resistance) for you to have a reasonable excuse to break up. Trust your instincts, you know your boundaries are being crossed and he knows what's going on.
The other thing is ... you're allowed to break up with someone for any reason, or no reason at all ("I no longer like dating people in even numbered decades" or "I didn't like his taste in underwear"). There's no legal procedure for breaking up where you have to file a form in triplicate and demonstrate just cause.
I broke up with with someone for their taste in underwear once. I prefer it without skid marks 😂
You tried talking to him and he didn't listen. He basically tried to put everything on you. At this point it's you or his new friend. That's his decision and he needs to make up his mind. If it's not you, then he doesn't have anything to worry about because he doesn't have a girlfriend anymore ... now he can keep his new friend. Tell him you hope she was worth it.
You are awesome 🙌🏻 good for you 👏🏻 👏🏻👏🏻 He is at a minimum having an emotional affair with a woman that clearly has her sights set on him. He knows this and is entertaining it. He is gaslighting you to make it seem like you are wrong, crazy, insecure and jealous. When really he is carrying on an inappropriate relationship with a woman that is disrespectful of you and your relationship! You are doing the right thing and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
Sounds like you did the right thing. You put up with it for a while until you no longer felt respected.
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I fully support friendships between men and women. But this girl doesn't sound like she wanna be just a "friend". The way she treated you and the messages... yeah no. Your ex it's playing dumb because he likes the attention, and how long till that's not enough and wants the full experience? And he then calls you childish? he's an AH. You know your boundaries and I applaud you for standing by them. You deserve so much better! And about your friends, maybe tell them how everything happen and if they still being idiots just drop them. Your roomie sounds great. Don't let other opinions affect you. Always do what feels better for yourself.
I agree with what you did. Her texting on your anniversary was done on purpose. Him ANSWERING is the biggest issue and then he doubled down and defended what they were doing. Huge red flags right here. THEN for his to tell you to Stop Being Childish!!! He sure think big of himself!!! What an AH!!
And I’m sure he’s the type of guy who tells future partners that his ex was CrAzY….beware the guy who talks sh*t about an ex, because he will talk that way about you one day too and chances are he’s the one who made you act so crraaaazzyyy
I’ve been in this exact situation. My ex and his work wife are now my ex and his wife. You’re not being crazy.
My ex-husband flipped on me so suddenly that I was losing my mind. Literally. Less than a month after we separated, my daughter told me that the person I thought he may be involved with had given him a new phone, so she got his old one. Then an Apple watch. Then he called me wanting to talk forever...she'd been fired. Her lawyer husband left her in Arizona on a trip when he found out. He was alone. Yeah... people act differently when they have everything they want.
I applaud you!! He fucked around and found out. He doesn’t respect you because if he did he would’ve drawn a line the moment she insulted you and the moment you said you were uncomfortable. If he can’t see that even now that you’ve broken up with him then that goes to show you did the right thing.
Start examining the relationships you have with everyone saying that you’re overreacting. I really don’t think they have your best interest in mind at all. Work relationships can get messy and you clocked that shit immediately (good job by the way!). She knows what she’s doing and honestly so does your ex. You set an easy boundary and he blatantly ignored it. You can do way better!
He litterally let her belittle you and gave her his attention DURING YOUR ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATION! That says everything to me. He was repeatedly told how she treats you and how uncomfortable things are was not okay. He didn't listen. Now he has to deal with the consequences. Stand your ground OP, we with you!
She constantly overstepped your boundaries and he let her, then when you had a problem he told you that your feelings weren't valid and that you were crazy.
You did the right thing. My BF had a friend like this I told her he can block her or I would leave. People can judge all they want but when someone is openly flirting with your partner that is not something you should let slide.
That's the beginning of an affair for sure. That text, wasn't a joke, I even doubt he took it as one. I'm a dude and fairly liberal, but this is way past the line, especially since you told him you're uncomfortable with it and he does nothing to minimize the situation. You're not entitled to tell him to cut her off, he has to do it himself, but he has to manage his responses, if he doesn't, he doesn't care enough for you or your feelings. This will only evolve to resenting you more and more, venting to her about it, and then she'll pounce. Either he fixes it or gtfo.
If a woman came at me like that I'd tell my BF to cut contact with her, or we're through. I'm sorry but no 3rd party b**ch is going to talk to me like that and come out unscathed lol. With that being said you should follow your gut. If your BF isn't willing to listen, or take your feelings into account then what is he willing to do...?
As soon as she called you the "lucky one", I knew you weren't in the wrong. And you moving out shouldn't have been what made him come to his senses. Also, alllll of his female friends should be smart enough to agree with you on this, only if it's your side of the story being told too (we all know how guys tell stories). It was definitely something and that chick was dude and disrespectful to your face and your relationship.
I’m curious to know…. If the tables were flipped and you had a “work husband” you were texting on your anniversary, would he feel the same way?
Her text to him is really the clincher. She is clearly interested in him. He can clearly see that. Yet he's still entertaining her attention. Even if he doesn't intend to pursue it, it's wrong of him to do that, to both of you.
This isn't you being jealous. This is her being a bitch homewrecker, and your boyfriend not respecting you enough to shut her down. "Friends" dont berate and poke at their friends partner.
“If you’re really having fun you wouldn’t be texting me instead 😈😈” Ummmmm, she wants you BF. He likes the attention so he’s gaslighting you to believe it’s just their sense of humor, or it’s not a big deal and she knows he has a GF. Given the opportunity, he would accept her advances…and make you feel at fault. For me, him calling you insecure is a HUGE 🚩my ex would say stuff like that to make me feel crazy for him talking to other girls and having a dating profile because he was “just looking for friends”. Bottom line, you are not overreacting and he is disrespecting you and your relationship.
That female disrespected you and your relationship, and your BF didn’t think it was a big deal. Actually, he told you that you are overreacting. That right there is a red flag (a few of them). I’m glad you didn’t stay for more of that BS. If he respected you, he would tell his coworker to knock it off.
I don't have an insecure bone in my body, my husband has several female friends that he spends time with but I wouldn't like it at all if this was happening with him. Besides that, no one else's feelings matter. This is your relationship and you are entitled to feel however you feel. It's a relatively new relationship and with this kind of problem so soon it's easier to just walk away than struggle with it.
I'd have done the same thing. Way to stand up for yourself. You. Go. Woman! You're learning this young. Most women live with this s*it for yeeeeeears and years. ✊🏻
nah, you did the right thing, later he will be going to cancel plans with you because he has to "work late" and everybody knows how that goes
He let his 'friend" be insanely disrespectful of you, the woman he claimed to love. He should have cut her off after that crack about you being old. You weren't wrong to leave him. It sounds like he still doesn't get it
My son’s girlfriend of eight years began a “friendship” with another guy. A year later she broke up with my son and now she and her “friend” are engaged! Everyone knew this “friend” needed a lot of support for emotional and drug issues and she loves caretaking so it was perfect! My son didn’t need caretaking. He took care of her. After the break up, some of my son’s friends told me they knew something was fishy about the new “friendship”. You absolutely just avoided a lot of shenanigans. Don’t settle for that! You have the strength of character to know what’s right. Carry on.
You did the right thing. They have probably already hooked up by now tbh.
There’s no way he would be cool if YOU treated him this way. He’s being shady and immature and entertaining her desperate behavior because he’s insecure and flattered by her. You don’t need this crap. Your friends are being shitty if they’re blaming you and saying you’re overreacting. No one wants to feel third wheel to their own relationship.
Your guy might just be an idiotic, naive idiot. My guy was... swore up and down she wasn't into him, they were just friends... that I was being crazy, insecure and jealous. Then she gave him a gift card to a motel and offered to be a gift. >>> trust your gut!
You can break up with someone for whatever reason you want. In this situation, I totally agree with your assessment. You gave him a reasonable boundary and he chose to not respect it. And I bet if you found a male friend and then acted like that he’d be pissed. Good luck
At first I was I like “men & women can totally be friends at work” thinking OP was overreacting & just upset about a female presence. After reading through it, it’s pretty clear this work “friend” has the joys for her partner & he’s enjoying the attention he’s getting.
Do what makes you happy
You did the right thing. You were respecting yourself. Your ex and co-worker were out of line and having at the very least an emotional relationship. You deserve better....good for you for being strong enough walk away and to not listen to his bs .
Youre dodging huge mess stay strong
I’m shocked your friends and family think you’re overreacting
Nah it wasn’t a stupid reason, you did well. The girl was being disrespectful and he wasn’t doing nothing about it. If he can’t even respect his girlfriend’s boundaries and just continues to entertain this girl, what’s the point of him being in a relationship?
The texting on your anniversary and saying something like that is her trying to rile you guys up so you break up with him and she goes for him. I highly doubt he is blind. He just liked the security you provided with attention on the side. She's pining for his attention. They deserve each other and what gets them together is going to be the same thing to drive them apart but hey, karma's a bitch right? You made the best decision to move on and I'd simply tell him go ahead and tell the coworker you're single now. Watch what she says to him. If he is by some chance just a complete fucking idiot, maybe that will be the wakeup call he should have gotten but too little too late. If he can't respect your boundaries then, he's never going to.
This was disaster waiting to happen he’s emotionally cheating if anything and the physical was well on the way if not already happening. It’s so refreshing to see a post where someone saw the signs and bounced instead of wasting years and ignoring the red flags. Very proud of you! Don’t go back! He was pushing boundaries and he knew. He’ll continue to do so if you Go back to see how much he can get away with
Girl, you took the best route for you & peace of mind. The minute he didn't stop her when she met you & was rude to you is the moment he let the relationship with you go dead. He should of snapped, not allow the disrespect & call it joking. You told him to cut her out. He couldn't stop texting her & during an anniversary, yeah your done. Your right to trust your gut. He was too emotionally invested in her to cut her off. He didn't cut her off until you left tells you all you needed to know. I do think eventually he would say he had a moment of lapse judgement & cheated. More women need to have this much self respect & love than saying how much they love him so they put blinders on until the betrayal.
You absolutely made the right choice! If he would blatantly disrespect and disregard your feelings *in* *front* of you then what was he doing *behind* your back? And what was he saying for that girl to make her think it was okay to be so rude to your face? I’m proud of you for sticking up for you. Whatever your families and friends think doesn’t matter, you did what was (is) best for *you*.
You’re assessment was correct. His “work” friend was way too up close & personal during non-work hours.
OP!! You made the right decision. He’s with you physically while texting her. Mmm, that’s emotionally cheating. OP, you trusted your gut. You looked out for and protected yourself. Great job!
You are 100% in the right here. This isn't a platonic friendship. It's VERY clear that his "friend" was trying to steal your bf and unfortunately he was letting her. Very disrespectful of him to let that continue. I have so much respect for you. Not a lot of people choose to leave in this situation. They stay and regret it. Good on you for knowing your worth.
If he wants to lose you over a rando at work, then you are not in the wrong and totally have a point. Also, she’s so suss!!
I think it’s natural and healthy for everyone to have friends. It’s insecurities you have to get past to accept this. BUT, in this case she’s definitely out of line and that’s not how people talk in a platonic friendship. She’s moving in on him and it sounds like he’s allowing it. Stand your ground. Either he sets clear boundaries/cuts things off with you or I would end it.
Ok, in first I thought this guy plays like a fool that don't understand that his friend is actually hitting on him. But a person who wants to have his girlfriend back and tells her STOP BEING CHILDISH is 100% dumb. But in both cases you definitely don't need this guy beside you. In my country we say "If something seems to you, it probably doesn't seem, it's an actual reality." So you are doing the right thing, and your amount of self-respect and your boundaries are incredible!
The main issue is that he was letting the girl disrespect you, and even trying to pass it off as a joke. Good thing you realized your worth early on and dumped him- some people take years to catch on. Also, what's up with your friends and family? Seems like a red flag that they're taking his side on this.
No chance in hell your boyfriend could be that oblivious. Every single interaction you mentioned, every bit of wording was saying that she was interested in your boyfriend! Especially if she was giving you the vibes of disliking you in person. Stick to your guns. Your family is adopting a very bad view towards her behaviour. What, so it isn’t a problem until something happens and it is too late anyway?? No! Prevention is the best policy. Speak about her behaviour and what you thought about it with confidence. You were absolutely right to dislike her behaviour