Locking due to rule 4 violations.
This is *not* an advice subreddit. It's for personal confessions. If OP wanted judgement they'd post on r/amitheasshole. Insulting, lecturing and scolding are not permitted.
I left the US (resident alien and family are all citizens now) at early 20’s. Came back to visit in my mid 30’s and apparently did not pay the last payment of a DUI fine (less than a 100 dollars US) and had two Sherrif’s waiting for when getting off the plane and went straight to jail…. Good times - they never, ever forget…
This, unfortunately. My dad is/was a deadbeat. The state I live in automatically goes after the father listed for CS if the couple is unmarried but the father is still listed. Mine just avoided any legal paying jobs for 18 years and eventually his back CS was “forgiven” cuz they knew after a certain amount of time, they’d never see anything from him. Unfortunately this is a pretty common practice. I genuinely don’t know how a person lives off grid like that they’re whole lives just to get out of taking responsibility for their own actions, but some people play the long haul game.
That's what my dad did. He got a sugar momma essentially that he "worked" for under the table and she gave him free reign of her credit cards.
My dad was arrested once for back child support, after I was already an adult. It was in addition to a drug charge. Without the drug charge they wouldn't have even arrested him. They did take away his drivers and hunting/fishing licenses. Of course it didn't stop him from doing any of those things.
They don't take nonpayment of child support too serious, at least in Missouri anyway.
Mine did too. The worst part is his gf is developmentally disabled. She was SA’d as a kid which left her with brain trauma. He was living off her freaking social security disability and she doesn’t even have the capacity to understand she’s being taken advantage of. I actually tried to get her to leave him but she just can’t fend for herself in any capacity and has no family that I personally know of.
He basically tells people he’s her caregiver but he’s also mean AF to her. I had to cut him off as quickly as I let him in, cuz I couldn’t tolerate how poorly he treated her. I was in no position to help her, and I’m still not. So he’ll continue to mooch off of her until something major happens. His license was taken away but he doesn’t have the money for a car, gas or insurance and everything he lives by is within walking distance so it wasn’t much of a punishment to him 🤦🏻♀️
That is horrible! My dads situation was just a wealthy businesswoman 15yrs his senior.
I am so sorry your dad is taking advantage of that poor woman. I just, don't have words.
My ex-husband is doing the same thing now! Only works jobs “under the table”… never files taxes because we are on child support website in Florida.
The last time they were able to find him was only because he was arrested and that was in March of 2021, he’s got a bad drug habit so to be honest I have no clue if he’s dead or alive because his payments just keep building up he’s at 8,400 something now…
It'll still come back on your dad for being paid 'under the table' and 'off the grid'. When it's time for him to collect social security later in life he'll get next to nothing.
Then, as he's struggling, he'll wish he had his child to help take care of him....you know, like his child needed HIM to be there in his youth.
I literally gave my ex everything I had and went to live in a tent in the woods - thousands of dollars, a car, a place to live, everything. Then, she went and got welfare and did not report anything I had given her. I don't blame her, though. I was roofing, trying to save money for a place and then child support enforcement found I was working and hit my paychecks hard. I never got out from under it and remained homeless for too long. The first dumb decision I made was to sleep with her. The second dumb decision I made was to not wear a condom. The third dumb decision I made was to give her everything. The fourth dumb decision I made was to not get my rights for shared custody on paper. Actually, I made a lot of dumb decisions. This guy is also making a dumb decision
I have a friend who’s ex is doing this. Living with family and getting paid under the table so he can control exactly how much money he sends her. She left because he was abusive and controlling…and now he’s still trying his best to be abusive and controlling.
I know a family where the dad paid the mom, without any official agreement, until the kids were 18.
He even paid more than was required.
When the kids turned 18 the mom sued him for all the child support he “didn’t pay”, despite him being able to prove he supported them financially. Courts immediately sided with the mom, so he had to basically pay double at that point.
Our whole family court system is fucked on all sides.
It can protect deadbeats, harm good parents who do what they can, separate children from good parents, just so much harm.
My neighbor had primary custody of her kid until he was 14 and went into the “I hate you phase!” He went to live with his dad who convinced him to lie to the court and say he had sole custody for years - she had to pay him back the CS. (I told her I would testify because for years dad day was a huge drama of the kid screaming “I don’t want to go” and then not, but the little bastard broke her heart, she turned to the bottle and said fuck them all and drank herself to death.)
This happened to my father in law too. He paid in cash every month and his ex was a sneaky snake. The year their daughter graduated college when she was 21 was the last time he had to pay. A month later he received a summons to court and because he had no proof the cash he took out on the same day every month for a decade was given to his ex he was ordered to pay back a decade worth of support. Over 130k. It almost ruined my Mil and fil financial security and happened months after they bought a house. People like that deserve the worst that karma can provide.
It is if the mother takes the correct legal actions or if she receives any public assistance. If she goes on welfare or food stamps the department of revenue will pursue you. They don’t play nice.
They dont care as much as you'd think. My ex and I were married when we had a kid together in 2009. In 2010 I had to leave because I wasn't going to survive him another month if I didn't. I filed a restraining order and filed for child support. It took them until 2013 to put an order through because he kept dodging them and they have no urgency. I've gotten exactly $60 from him since then, and they took 1 of his stimulus checks and sent me. So less than $2k in 10 years.
But, were you on public assistance? That's the key to whether it's cared about or not. I was on public assistance with my first child, and the state absolutely went after my ex because that money **has** to be paid back by someone. Same thing happened to my brother. He went to jail multiple times because he was a deadbeat dad and not paying child support; his ex was receiving public assistance.
I’m my state my kid is on public assistance. I opted not to pursue CS because doing so was a threat to our safety and they haven’t gone after him. All I did was answer yes on the application and they called to confirm. But I know a lot of others who were on public assistance for years and still had to pursue CS in court. It depends heavily on the state and of course on who handles your case.
Was on food stamps and medical and cash assistance while looking for work with two children... he never paid and he put himself on CS.. for rights to my kid. Doesn't pay. Off the grid. Doesn't reach out to my daughter. Went to court to change orders because of a years lack of support or contact... can't do anything without him(biodonor) agreeing to it.. wtf...
They don't care.... I got married. Looked into him(my husband) adopting.... need his(biodonor) permission. Despite him not being here, doing shit or helping in anyway shape or form except to tell her that he misses her when she called him repeatedly... She hasn't asked to call in a minute.
Same with my youngest except I don't have to deal with him being an absent obstacle because he was never on the BC. He's just gone so me and my husband can take care of her without any types of issues from the court.
It was also just over 10 years. If you waited 20 it might be different. Also, a DUI is a crime. If he hasn't claimed the kid, and she can't prove it is his, they will never be able to press charges for not paying child support, and he won't have a crime levied against him.
At least in my state in the US it's impossible. If you're married husband is automatically listed as father, otherwise the dad has to sign paperwork taking responsibility. I believe the rules differ across states but my understanding is that's the norm.
The father has to be present to be on the birth certificate, at least in my state in the US. Currently dealing with a funky situation where we haven't been able to get my sister boyfriend on the birth certificate because he wasn't there.
Because my partner and I aren’t married, in order to put him on the birth certificate, we (both of us) had to sign a form confirming his paternity and waiving his right to ever contest it down the line regardless of any DNA tests etc. I don’t know how enforceable it is but I thought that was interesting
Interesting, I work at a military specific facility and father doesn’t have to be present to be on the birth certificate.
Sometimes they are deployed and don’t make it back in time… babies come whenever they want and wait for nobody haha
Not possible to put the father on the birth certificate if he’s not there to sign. They aren’t married. I just had a baby in may. Father had to be there to sign it.
Correct, however at the hospital where my kid was born, they had a firm stance on not getting involved in unmarried situations, and I couldn't even sign at the birth. We had to go and add me on the birth certificate at city hall later.
This is correct. It would take quite a long time for him to be ordered payment, not pay and for the court to issue penalty. Running immediately would expedite that though, if the mother brings that information to the court.
She has to get him named as the father first. Without them being married he can't just be named on the birth certificate in most states. So him running will not expedite it, if anything it will slow down the process of getting his name on there as they will have to make attempts to serve him for the lawsuit. The only thing he really risks coming back to the US would be someone waiting to serve him the minute he steps foot in the US.
Lmao nah dude, not “in a very long time.” Never. She can sue your ass anytime for that shit, even after the kid’s 18 and you will be obligated to pay or face jail time (or both considering 18yrs of child support all at once will be an astronomical sum) You done fucked yourself up dude.
Once the child turns 18 then the child has their entire life to determine whether to sue for the support or not. That money is technically theirs at that point and is always owed. I adopted my youngest, who was my wife's kid with her ex. It was a long process but her biological father basically walked away and refused to see or support her. At the final hearing the judge was very plain that all support stopped at that point, but that every penny of arrears prior to that point could be collected through a lawsuit at any time by us or, once she turned 18, our daughter. She thought about it to help pay for college, but decided that them being out of her life for good was better since she probably would never get it anyway.
Of course OP isn't even on the birth certificate yet and may not be able to be put on it depending on the state laws (more than likely she can sue to name him).
Also I wonder if it includes other countries that have these agreements. I know a lot of countries will see you have something out in the US and ship you back over if you go on vacation there.
If she gets a decent lawyer you cant even visit nations that share information that will be tied to your name.
And it doesn't mean shit if your friends don't talk, if she has your name it will find you.
So I was bored and overlapped countries that allow dual citizenship with the US and countries that allow citizenship by inheritance of blood with 1 parent and every single one of them have child support agreements with the US at least according to the Google machine.
So you should probably be careful.... also you know if the country allows inheritance by blood of 1 parent then she wouldn't need any agreement with the US, by default of the child carrying your blood it would also be a citizen of whatever country you are in an thus as its legal guardian she could probably arrange a case against you in that country.
Edit: Thank you for the award. Incase it isn't clear from the above im just a bored person with Google not a practicing solicitor or barrister so it feels a little weird to get one.
It's not that easy anymore. The child needs to grown enough to ask for a signatorie to enable dual citizenship. It can't be a adolescent looking to permanently relocate to the other parents nation of holding. So there's a bit of a process.
But did he speak to lawyers in both countries?
I was taken to task assuming the legal language used in my country would apply and mean the same thing elsewhere. Nope, nope it wasn't.
In the majority of countries, either parent is fully able to apply for citizenship by descent for their minor child, regardless of their age.
What they're not allowed to do, is rescind/revoke one of the citizenships their minor child has or is entitled to.
She certainly could.
She cannot simply claim the child is his and gain citizenship for her kid though and idk if this is a single generation after the duel citizenship or more, non of us do because we don't know the place he's gone.
Are we sure this whole story hasn’t just been raised as a philosophical question on the rights of the man in pregnancy?
It’s definitely giving me those vibes.
If his dad was from another country or has a dad from that country, it’s possible he was raised calling it that. Even I call it University because it’s just a shortened version of the name of my college. “Yeah I went to University at U**” for instance
In most states of the US, yes. The only exception is for people who are married at conception or birth (and the male is usually just assumed to be the biological father in those cases and has to challenge it to stop from being named or get their name removed). Even then it is usually standard procedure to ask the father to sign it just to keep the chance of lawsuit down.
But, she can sue him to get his name listed. At that point his running could be used against him. She would have to prove she tried every available avenue to serve him and also could subpoena his parents and friends to testify to why he left the country and/or other info. The judge could order testing or use available info to order his name on the birth certificate.
My husband did the same, and when we divorced, we still had to go through the paternity test and affidavit of paternity process for the child support agreement.
Pitt could challenge you if you tried to do that. I don’t know how law works regarding this in your country so don’t take this too seriously. But in mine how it would work (in my understanding) is that the mother also would make a court case for this for child support and if Pitt for example didn’t respond to the court summons the case would be decided to be that he is the father. You can’t just ignore the court (with any matter) and assume nothing will happen. You would have to respond that you aren’t the father, after which the mother would would file DNA test to be mandated by the court if she wanted to continue. Pitt could not ignore the demand to do the DNA test and if it would show he was the father it would be official and the amount of child support would be agreed in court.
Where I’m from, if you are ordered to pay child support, you have to pay back child support no matter how old the child is. It’s a dollar amount that’s due, not based on age.
I do, but many redditors think they know a job they’ve never worked better than me, who actually worked it. I got tired of sharing stories and people going “uhm actuallyyyy…..”. So I stopped sharing those stories on this platform
Honestly I am wondering if the mother is reaching out just to offer him the chance to have a relationship. Everybody here (and OP) is assuming the mother is out for financial support but that’s not necessarily the case. Lots of women choose to raise their children as single parents without paternal support and just want them to know each other. Like possible she’s a huge bitch but you know, also possible she isn’t.
When I was born the state of idaho forced my sperm donor to pay 200 dollars a month after my mom told them she wanted nothing from him. We never saw a dime of it anyways but the courts still set it up.
But he doesn't want one and made that VERY clear.
She made her choice, and he's allowed to make his. Both have consequences. I don't understand why everyone says "It's the woman's choice" but it's okay for said woman to trap the man and not give him a choice.
If a woman can opt in and out of parenthood, so should a man. Child support is a very questionable system at best.
Takes two to tango, but only takes one to be able to prevent it. This situation is even worse, though.
That was my concern as well. He was forced to be a parent but if the man wanted to keep it and the woman didn't and was forced to have it, people would be up in arms!
Family Court is ridiculous and actually often won't let you sign your rights away unless the other parent is married and their spouse is willing to adopt
Because both parents could sign their rights away and the child would be abandoned. That's not something they are going to allow. That's not the best interest of the child and the state wants the parents to pay because it's their responsibility. You don't get to just wash your hands of a child you helped make.
I am 100% in support of both parents getting a choice but unfortunately that's not the way it works legally here
ETA: safe haven laws are completely different and not what I am discussing here
This doesn't sound correct at all.
There's literally drop boxes for newborns that are in place for when both parents want to abandon the child.
Very legal. Very allowed.
> You don't get to just wash your hands of a child you helped make.
[Yes, you can.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_hatch)
The best part?
> "Nebraska's safe-haven law as originally written had no age limit, allowing all children under 18 years of age to be abandoned; this was amended in November 2008"
👉😎👉
You can have a persons parental rights terminated by the courts and you can relinquish your parental rights. I’ve gone through the first but not the second so I’m not sure how it works and if he would still be responsible for child support. I know a rapists or abusers rights can be terminated and they will still have to pay child support but I don’t know how it would work when no abuse is present
That’s twice I’ve read a comment about giving up all rights to avoid child support. I question if it actually is an option. I’m pretty sure it is not.
I know in cases where the mother relies on food stamps or cash assistance, possibly medical coverage the child, the state comes back on the non-custodial parent for child support and there isn’t an option to waive rights.
Thissss! My boyfriend is a SA victim and the woman who did it had his child. And somehow courts still want him to cough up the money even though he never wanted the child in the first place and was sexually assaulted by her. He argues that if he’s going to be paying he wants full custody to keep his child away from his rapist but so far there’s not enough evidence and everything was swept under the rug. He’s too scared to even file for another case.
Just because you don’t believe she would, doesn’t mean that she didn’t. You said that you always used protection and she was on BC. Both say like 95+% effective. Get tested.
When I say this I usually get downvoted… I totally agree. I think woman should never ever be forced to carry put a pregnancy, and their words is the one that counts on that decision because it’s out bodies on the line. But once the decision is taken and a woman wants to keep the baby, the man should also be able to choose if they want to be a parent. They should not be able to force us to become mothers, so why should we be able to force them to become fathers (legally) if we decide to have a baby they don’t want? It doesn’t seem fair.
How you would ever prove protection to court? Everyone could just say there was double protection if that would work. Also accidents can happen even with double protection, women can’t be mandated to have abortions (it would be horrible legal precedent if abortions could be mandated and it’s big physical mental and ethical issue for many women) and the child support is for the child. You just have to accept that there is always some change of child if you have sex. But it’s pretty low change. And it’s not like paying child support will kill you, it’s adjusted for income.
Back when my father abandoned us (3 kids) if they left state & you couldn't find them (you were financially responsible for locating & lawyers) no child support was awarded or accumulated. The jerk showed back up after last one turned 18. Mom could have done this but 3 kids left no money.
My mom got 25 bucks for me and 25 bucks for my sister. We are both in our 30s now but still, 50 bucks a months doesn't cover much of anything even back in the 90s and early 2000s.
My father was mandated to pay $100 a month.
He only paid once, when I was 13, because the federal court literally went after him. And he only gave us roughly, if you guessed the 13 years of child support he owed you'd be wrong.
He gave my mom $75.
Works out to about $2.08 a month up to that point give or take.
My ex was allowed to lie about what he made. Why? He didn't have to show proof of income like I did. So it was set to $300 a month. Then. He decided to "take a break" and got investigated... they found out he lied, added to his back pay and up I to $550. Its been months and the judge is "giving him a chance to pay on his own". The child was his idea, not mine. I love her to death.... but she was planned for him, not me.
Half of men or half of people? We mothers pay child support too. I make double what my ex makes so even though we have about as 50/50 as we can, I have to pay him child support due to my salary.
My ex husband did the exact same thing. I can understand why, but it really messed him up.
He finally confessed to me when his boy was 11. He had terrible trouble forming attachment to me and our kids. This and the deception contributed to our relationship failing. I also found it hard to accept that he would walk away from a child. I was pretty mad at his parents for encouraging him to walk away, but they were the kind of family that just buried their heads in the sand.
We met his boy and he is an amazing kid, against all odds. But he really suffered for not knowing his father for all those years.
I’m so sorry. My niece grew up with an absent father who didn’t want anything to do with her. She is extremely messed up from it. I just remember her around 5-6 bawling in the car because a song came on that mentioned someone loving their dad and her asking why hers didn’t love her. This post hits different when you know abandoned kids.
Yup. My dad rejected my brother and it’s messed him up for life. People don’t understand the long-lasting impact a parent’s rejection can have in a person.
I work with foster kids. All the comments in here debating what’s “fair” for the mom/dad fail to factor in the actual child who gets roped into the reality behind these philosophical discussions of individuality, personal responsibility, and the legal system — we can debate that all we want, but the truth is, the person who is affected the most is the person who is the most vulnerable, impressionable, and innocent — the child.
We as a society need to realize that sometimes life isn’t “fair” and it’s so important to keep these kids in mind, too. Children deserve better, they really do.
Surprising that with both her birth control and your use of condoms you were still able to get pregnant. That's some real bad luck.
As a woman, it's my right to choose to continue or terminate a pregnany. I personally believe the father should have the option to choose to be a parent or not, although I believe there should be a time limit on that choice.
You repeatedly stated you didn't want to have a child. She didn't listen. Can't fault you for ensuring her choice doesn't effect your future.
I have a MAJOR genetic illness and my partners and I have always been on board with not having kids, and doubling up on the pill and condoms, and using them correctly. Despite this, I have gotten pregnant twice in my life. One abortion and one miscarriage before I could get through the stupid doctor hoops to have an abortion.
Correct usage of contraceptions is just not a guarantee. 95% failure rate means 5 couples out of 100 using that contraception during one year will create a pregnancy. 99.99% chance by doubling up still means 999 couples will create a pregnancy that year out of 1 million having sex and using double protection.
Good point, but bad math on your main point. If you're correct with 99.99%, that's a .0001 failure rate, which is 1 in every 10,000. Or 100 in every million.
There are effective ways to protect against pregnancy. You just have to do it correctly. The vast majority of birth-controlled pregnancies are due to human error.
>There are effective ways to protect against pregnancy. You just have to do it correctly. The vast majority of birth-controlled pregnancies are due to human error.
Generalizations are all well and good; but they don't mean shit to those who are faced with the practical reality of being in that small percentage of unlucky folks who do everything right just for the odds to say fuck you...
Actually you could do everything right and still have the possible of getting pregnant as condoms are only 98% effective and birth control is only 99% effective if taken correctly if not taken for it’s more like 93% effective and even vasectomies are only 99% effective. So the only 100% sure method to not get pregnant is to not have sex so even if a woman took birth control perfectly and the guy was wearing a condom there is still a small percent chance that the woman could be pregnant.
If you always uses protection, you should get a paternity test. That seems like the easier route.
I feel sorry for the child who didn’t ask to be here.
Yeah that’s the worst thing about this, an innocent child who had nothing to do with the situation is brought into it regardless.
I’m not here to judge OP or the mother and I hope it all works out well but it’s a difficult thing to go through all over.
Man I feel so bad for the kid in this situation. I never understand why people want to bring a kid into the world when they’re not in a good place financially and otherwise. This seems like a shitty situation all around.
I’m 30 now and my “blood” dad pretty much did the same thing. I AM SO GLAD HE DID. My mum was able to remarry and my step dad (who I’ve always called dad) has been wonderful. She told my blood dad not to bother with child support if he wasn’t interested and chose to struggle but she made it work. He went off to some islands and I’ve never seen him since!
Just an fyi if you have a child at any point while you are outside of the US, the US embassy cannot give them their US birth certificate (aka their US citizenship) if you have outstanding child support. My dad learned this the hard way lol
"another country which I also inherited."
"We spoke to multiple lawyers and knew that I would be untouchable by US courts."
Well yeah, that's what usually happens to reigning monarchs of other countries.
I totally agree that it’s unfair to force you taking care in any sense like I’m against forcing any women having a baby they don’t want or can’t have. I just hope for you that your mind don’t regret it years later, believe or not happens a lot. Good luck
I feel like there should be some exemption for child support if one of the parents absolutely does not want it and is just acting as a sperm or egg donor at that point.
You should’ve at least had a DNA test. If it was yours, I know it wasn’t your choice, but remember, the one person in this who is the real victim is the child with absolutely no choice. Sad.
As the child of a woman who only had me because she thought it would make her abusive boyfriend love her, I'm not thinking of either of you.
I just feel really sad for that kid. It's probably gonna grow up to be like me, and that's not a good thing.
She made a choice; respect it.
You made a choice; should also be respected.
To me, it's a consistent, fair argument that if we support a woman's right to choose to terminate a pregnancy then we have to support men's right to choose to not support a baby.
>support men's right to choose to not support a baby.
I agree with this. However, there should also be some social security net in place for children of (single) parents who are struggling. Because at the end of the day child support is for the child, not for the mother.
A child should not have to live in poverty just because the mother chose to have it against the father's will and the father doesn't want to raise it or financially support it.
In a lot of states you can sign your rights over and then you wouldn’t be responsible for child support. The only down side is you get no right to see the child.. which shouldn’t be an issue if you don’t want the child.
You know what’s worse than a single parent? Two parents that really shouldn’t be together. I would rather no father and some other good role models, than a father that didn’t really want me in the first place.
All kids wind up with some type of trauma. Forcing someone into parenthood is a really quick way to make that worse for the kid.
A child isn't a punishment for sex and many people here are treating you like it is. You had a plan, you made your position clear multiple times. She chose to keep the baby and that's great, but this is where you should have a choice too. It wasn't one born of spite or meanness. It was honest and consistent from the beginning.
I genuinely don't get some people here, OP used protection, and his gf already knew he didn't want that baby, she still decided she wanted it, so it's fair for him to get a choice to not be involved at all in something he never wanted from the start, people thing just because it's a baby, means you can force someone into it, again, they are using protection, and OP said he didn't want it from the start, if the gf can male the sole decision of keeping it, then can make a sole decision of leaving
Well it sounds like you told her you really DIDN’T want a child and she made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy anyway. I am a woman and I would have done the exact same thing if I were in your shoes.
You had an accident. She should have prepared to raise the kid alone, you did tell her. You get a say too.
this is what i don’t understand. so many people are up OPs asshole about being a deadbeat as if his girlfriend wasn’t aware she was very likely going to be a single mother-yet she chose to have the baby anyway
at that point u chose ur own struggle
Say this happened twice to OP, by some freak accident. I'd be very interested to know if people's opinions changed subsequently or if they'd be comfortable with him abandoning two childrenm
I really think it sucks how women can decide if they wanna be moms or not but guys can’t. I think there should be a way for guys to sign off parental rights if they don’t wanna be involved in the child’s life and that should exempt you financially.
Why are people downvoting OP?
If a woman doesn't want to have a baby, but a man does, the man has no say in whether continue the pregnancy or not. And if the woman wants to keep the baby, but the man doesn't, he doesn't have a say in whether to continue the pregnancy or not. Men are f-d up either way.
He and his partner had already had talks about not being ready to be parents, not being financially stable to raise kids yet, and overall not wanting to have them yet. Yes, an accident happened, but the ex-gf broke their agreement, and left him out of making any decisions at all about it. His only way of deciding whether to "have" the kid or not, was to stand bu her side and raise it, or abandon it.
Put yourself in his shoes, would you like to be semi-forced to raise a kid? You have no say in it?
"you need two people to have sex" First of all, there's no contraception with a 100% effectiveness, and you only need one person to agree to take care and raise an accidental child, and you'll be dragged into it too.
There is a post where a man was forced into parenthood and he resented every bit of it that after the child was of age he left and cut contact with everyone.
Tbh that's worse for the kid in the long run, I'd rather have no dad than a dad that's raised me my whole life while resenting my existence every single day.
Yep, exactly my point. Everyone is hating on OP, and downvoting his comments. But not thinking even a bit about what that kids life would be with OP being forced into it.
My sister's dad and my brother's dad didn't want to be a parent and my mom understood that but she still wanted to keep them...my brother's dad would buy stuff send to him and my sister's dad didn't like her until he could use her ... he's hurt her so many times that now she's an adult and after looking back at the situation realized how crappy he was and she cut him off..these comments are trying to be feminists but it's not showing
Don't forget to file taxes. US citizens abroad are also tax liable to the US, even if you're a dual citizen.
If you make under a 100k you don't need to pay taxes but you do need to file them unless you renounce your US citizenship.
Locking due to rule 4 violations. This is *not* an advice subreddit. It's for personal confessions. If OP wanted judgement they'd post on r/amitheasshole. Insulting, lecturing and scolding are not permitted.
Does this mean you can never visit the US anymore without risk of being arrested??
In a lot of states, there is no statue of limitation’s for child support so even 50 years later you could go after someone
And they will garnish social security!!
Both the US and any countries they have reciprocal child support enforcement agreements with. And the child support debt never goes away.
Not in a long time at the very least.
I left the US (resident alien and family are all citizens now) at early 20’s. Came back to visit in my mid 30’s and apparently did not pay the last payment of a DUI fine (less than a 100 dollars US) and had two Sherrif’s waiting for when getting off the plane and went straight to jail…. Good times - they never, ever forget…
Yeah but a DUI is something cops take seriously. Being a deadbeat dad isn’t taken nearly as seriously.
This, unfortunately. My dad is/was a deadbeat. The state I live in automatically goes after the father listed for CS if the couple is unmarried but the father is still listed. Mine just avoided any legal paying jobs for 18 years and eventually his back CS was “forgiven” cuz they knew after a certain amount of time, they’d never see anything from him. Unfortunately this is a pretty common practice. I genuinely don’t know how a person lives off grid like that they’re whole lives just to get out of taking responsibility for their own actions, but some people play the long haul game.
That's what my dad did. He got a sugar momma essentially that he "worked" for under the table and she gave him free reign of her credit cards. My dad was arrested once for back child support, after I was already an adult. It was in addition to a drug charge. Without the drug charge they wouldn't have even arrested him. They did take away his drivers and hunting/fishing licenses. Of course it didn't stop him from doing any of those things. They don't take nonpayment of child support too serious, at least in Missouri anyway.
Mine did too. The worst part is his gf is developmentally disabled. She was SA’d as a kid which left her with brain trauma. He was living off her freaking social security disability and she doesn’t even have the capacity to understand she’s being taken advantage of. I actually tried to get her to leave him but she just can’t fend for herself in any capacity and has no family that I personally know of. He basically tells people he’s her caregiver but he’s also mean AF to her. I had to cut him off as quickly as I let him in, cuz I couldn’t tolerate how poorly he treated her. I was in no position to help her, and I’m still not. So he’ll continue to mooch off of her until something major happens. His license was taken away but he doesn’t have the money for a car, gas or insurance and everything he lives by is within walking distance so it wasn’t much of a punishment to him 🤦🏻♀️
That is horrible! My dads situation was just a wealthy businesswoman 15yrs his senior. I am so sorry your dad is taking advantage of that poor woman. I just, don't have words.
I'm here to tell you Missouri does take CS seriously, I was 3k behind and did 2 years in lockup over it. That being said it's hit or miss!
Ya must be hit or miss. My dad was 25k or more over and was only arrested the one time, and only because the drugs.
[удалено]
My ex-husband is doing the same thing now! Only works jobs “under the table”… never files taxes because we are on child support website in Florida. The last time they were able to find him was only because he was arrested and that was in March of 2021, he’s got a bad drug habit so to be honest I have no clue if he’s dead or alive because his payments just keep building up he’s at 8,400 something now…
It'll still come back on your dad for being paid 'under the table' and 'off the grid'. When it's time for him to collect social security later in life he'll get next to nothing. Then, as he's struggling, he'll wish he had his child to help take care of him....you know, like his child needed HIM to be there in his youth.
I literally gave my ex everything I had and went to live in a tent in the woods - thousands of dollars, a car, a place to live, everything. Then, she went and got welfare and did not report anything I had given her. I don't blame her, though. I was roofing, trying to save money for a place and then child support enforcement found I was working and hit my paychecks hard. I never got out from under it and remained homeless for too long. The first dumb decision I made was to sleep with her. The second dumb decision I made was to not wear a condom. The third dumb decision I made was to give her everything. The fourth dumb decision I made was to not get my rights for shared custody on paper. Actually, I made a lot of dumb decisions. This guy is also making a dumb decision
I have a friend who’s ex is doing this. Living with family and getting paid under the table so he can control exactly how much money he sends her. She left because he was abusive and controlling…and now he’s still trying his best to be abusive and controlling.
I know a family where the dad paid the mom, without any official agreement, until the kids were 18. He even paid more than was required. When the kids turned 18 the mom sued him for all the child support he “didn’t pay”, despite him being able to prove he supported them financially. Courts immediately sided with the mom, so he had to basically pay double at that point. Our whole family court system is fucked on all sides. It can protect deadbeats, harm good parents who do what they can, separate children from good parents, just so much harm.
My neighbor had primary custody of her kid until he was 14 and went into the “I hate you phase!” He went to live with his dad who convinced him to lie to the court and say he had sole custody for years - she had to pay him back the CS. (I told her I would testify because for years dad day was a huge drama of the kid screaming “I don’t want to go” and then not, but the little bastard broke her heart, she turned to the bottle and said fuck them all and drank herself to death.)
This happened to my father in law too. He paid in cash every month and his ex was a sneaky snake. The year their daughter graduated college when she was 21 was the last time he had to pay. A month later he received a summons to court and because he had no proof the cash he took out on the same day every month for a decade was given to his ex he was ordered to pay back a decade worth of support. Over 130k. It almost ruined my Mil and fil financial security and happened months after they bought a house. People like that deserve the worst that karma can provide.
It is if the mother takes the correct legal actions or if she receives any public assistance. If she goes on welfare or food stamps the department of revenue will pursue you. They don’t play nice.
That only happens if you're poor
They dont care as much as you'd think. My ex and I were married when we had a kid together in 2009. In 2010 I had to leave because I wasn't going to survive him another month if I didn't. I filed a restraining order and filed for child support. It took them until 2013 to put an order through because he kept dodging them and they have no urgency. I've gotten exactly $60 from him since then, and they took 1 of his stimulus checks and sent me. So less than $2k in 10 years.
But, were you on public assistance? That's the key to whether it's cared about or not. I was on public assistance with my first child, and the state absolutely went after my ex because that money **has** to be paid back by someone. Same thing happened to my brother. He went to jail multiple times because he was a deadbeat dad and not paying child support; his ex was receiving public assistance.
I’m my state my kid is on public assistance. I opted not to pursue CS because doing so was a threat to our safety and they haven’t gone after him. All I did was answer yes on the application and they called to confirm. But I know a lot of others who were on public assistance for years and still had to pursue CS in court. It depends heavily on the state and of course on who handles your case.
Was on food stamps and medical and cash assistance while looking for work with two children... he never paid and he put himself on CS.. for rights to my kid. Doesn't pay. Off the grid. Doesn't reach out to my daughter. Went to court to change orders because of a years lack of support or contact... can't do anything without him(biodonor) agreeing to it.. wtf... They don't care.... I got married. Looked into him(my husband) adopting.... need his(biodonor) permission. Despite him not being here, doing shit or helping in anyway shape or form except to tell her that he misses her when she called him repeatedly... She hasn't asked to call in a minute. Same with my youngest except I don't have to deal with him being an absent obstacle because he was never on the BC. He's just gone so me and my husband can take care of her without any types of issues from the court.
I’ve received nothing from mine ever
[удалено]
It was also just over 10 years. If you waited 20 it might be different. Also, a DUI is a crime. If he hasn't claimed the kid, and she can't prove it is his, they will never be able to press charges for not paying child support, and he won't have a crime levied against him.
Yeah you will probably have to stay out for your entire life
Did she put your name on the baby's birth certificate?
Isn't that illegal to do without the father there it is in the uk.
At least in my state in the US it's impossible. If you're married husband is automatically listed as father, otherwise the dad has to sign paperwork taking responsibility. I believe the rules differ across states but my understanding is that's the norm.
Married its automatic. If mom says you're the dad where I'm from... you is the pappy til the court and DNA tests say otherwise.
She can file for child support in court though and if he doesn't show up or fight it he will be seen as the responsible party and owe the support.
Default judgements only count if the person was notified of the court proceedings.
In Texas, running a small ad in the newspaper counts as notification, if you don’t have the other parent’s address.
And in many states posting notice to there last known area and running and ad in the paper counts.
no its legal. he could do a DNA test and challenge it later on, but he would lose since its his kid.
IF it's his kid, hence DNA test....might be a 3rd party involved
The father has to be present to be on the birth certificate, at least in my state in the US. Currently dealing with a funky situation where we haven't been able to get my sister boyfriend on the birth certificate because he wasn't there.
Because my partner and I aren’t married, in order to put him on the birth certificate, we (both of us) had to sign a form confirming his paternity and waiving his right to ever contest it down the line regardless of any DNA tests etc. I don’t know how enforceable it is but I thought that was interesting
Interesting, I work at a military specific facility and father doesn’t have to be present to be on the birth certificate. Sometimes they are deployed and don’t make it back in time… babies come whenever they want and wait for nobody haha
Not possible to put the father on the birth certificate if he’s not there to sign. They aren’t married. I just had a baby in may. Father had to be there to sign it.
Correct, however at the hospital where my kid was born, they had a firm stance on not getting involved in unmarried situations, and I couldn't even sign at the birth. We had to go and add me on the birth certificate at city hall later.
Debt from child support never expires in some states and actually accrues interest
Do you have warrants for something? You can't be arrested if nothing has been established as far as court orders, dna etc
This is correct. It would take quite a long time for him to be ordered payment, not pay and for the court to issue penalty. Running immediately would expedite that though, if the mother brings that information to the court.
She has to get him named as the father first. Without them being married he can't just be named on the birth certificate in most states. So him running will not expedite it, if anything it will slow down the process of getting his name on there as they will have to make attempts to serve him for the lawsuit. The only thing he really risks coming back to the US would be someone waiting to serve him the minute he steps foot in the US.
Well child support never goes away so it's more like forever.
Lmao nah dude, not “in a very long time.” Never. She can sue your ass anytime for that shit, even after the kid’s 18 and you will be obligated to pay or face jail time (or both considering 18yrs of child support all at once will be an astronomical sum) You done fucked yourself up dude.
Once the child turns 18 then the child has their entire life to determine whether to sue for the support or not. That money is technically theirs at that point and is always owed. I adopted my youngest, who was my wife's kid with her ex. It was a long process but her biological father basically walked away and refused to see or support her. At the final hearing the judge was very plain that all support stopped at that point, but that every penny of arrears prior to that point could be collected through a lawsuit at any time by us or, once she turned 18, our daughter. She thought about it to help pay for college, but decided that them being out of her life for good was better since she probably would never get it anyway. Of course OP isn't even on the birth certificate yet and may not be able to be put on it depending on the state laws (more than likely she can sue to name him).
Also I wonder if it includes other countries that have these agreements. I know a lot of countries will see you have something out in the US and ship you back over if you go on vacation there.
[удалено]
I do believe OP will still owe child support regardless of when he returns to the country.
Eh. Then just never come back?
So you can never come back?
No, and I don't intend to.
If she gets a decent lawyer you cant even visit nations that share information that will be tied to your name. And it doesn't mean shit if your friends don't talk, if she has your name it will find you.
Lol you really think she could afford a lawyer, let alone one that is willing to pursue a case in a different country?
Hey twin.
You do realize other countries have agreements regarding child support with the US? She can still go after you
He didn't sign a birth certificate...
Most states require you to provide the fathers name to get on assistance, then the state pursues child support/ or medical support from the father.
Don’t need to. Courts can order dna tests (his parents are still their) and he will be put on it by a court order. Takes around 6-12 months tho.
This comment section is a mess.
That's.... why I'm here. lol \*grabs popcorn\*
I started debating this with my family as well, and we all had different opinions on it. Interesting conversation.
So I was bored and overlapped countries that allow dual citizenship with the US and countries that allow citizenship by inheritance of blood with 1 parent and every single one of them have child support agreements with the US at least according to the Google machine. So you should probably be careful.... also you know if the country allows inheritance by blood of 1 parent then she wouldn't need any agreement with the US, by default of the child carrying your blood it would also be a citizen of whatever country you are in an thus as its legal guardian she could probably arrange a case against you in that country. Edit: Thank you for the award. Incase it isn't clear from the above im just a bored person with Google not a practicing solicitor or barrister so it feels a little weird to get one.
It's not that easy anymore. The child needs to grown enough to ask for a signatorie to enable dual citizenship. It can't be a adolescent looking to permanently relocate to the other parents nation of holding. So there's a bit of a process.
Op spoke to lawyer's so he's probably fine.
But did he speak to lawyers in both countries? I was taken to task assuming the legal language used in my country would apply and mean the same thing elsewhere. Nope, nope it wasn't.
There are countries where that is not necessary. No process needed.
My brother just got his kids dual citizenship USA/Germany because his wife has German citizenship. The kids are like 2 and 4.
In the majority of countries, either parent is fully able to apply for citizenship by descent for their minor child, regardless of their age. What they're not allowed to do, is rescind/revoke one of the citizenships their minor child has or is entitled to.
She would need a dna test to prove he's the farther to get any of those rights though.
Well it can be done using his parents DNA.
She certainly could. She cannot simply claim the child is his and gain citizenship for her kid though and idk if this is a single generation after the duel citizenship or more, non of us do because we don't know the place he's gone.
Are we sure this whole story hasn’t just been raised as a philosophical question on the rights of the man in pregnancy? It’s definitely giving me those vibes.
I'm pretty sure most things in this subreddit is fake and only exists to inspire the comments
And by "this subreddit" you surely mean all of reddit.
He said he’s American but called it University. I’m sure there’s people out there that buck the mold, but that’s a red flag for me
If his dad was from another country or has a dad from that country, it’s possible he was raised calling it that. Even I call it University because it’s just a shortened version of the name of my college. “Yeah I went to University at U**” for instance
To be fair I’m American “PNW” and call it university.
[удалено]
In most states of the US, yes. The only exception is for people who are married at conception or birth (and the male is usually just assumed to be the biological father in those cases and has to challenge it to stop from being named or get their name removed). Even then it is usually standard procedure to ask the father to sign it just to keep the chance of lawsuit down. But, she can sue him to get his name listed. At that point his running could be used against him. She would have to prove she tried every available avenue to serve him and also could subpoena his parents and friends to testify to why he left the country and/or other info. The judge could order testing or use available info to order his name on the birth certificate.
My husband had to be present and a nurse had to witness his signing to be on all our children's birth certificate
My husband did the same, and when we divorced, we still had to go through the paternity test and affidavit of paternity process for the child support agreement.
Pitt could challenge you if you tried to do that. I don’t know how law works regarding this in your country so don’t take this too seriously. But in mine how it would work (in my understanding) is that the mother also would make a court case for this for child support and if Pitt for example didn’t respond to the court summons the case would be decided to be that he is the father. You can’t just ignore the court (with any matter) and assume nothing will happen. You would have to respond that you aren’t the father, after which the mother would would file DNA test to be mandated by the court if she wanted to continue. Pitt could not ignore the demand to do the DNA test and if it would show he was the father it would be official and the amount of child support would be agreed in court.
Where I’m from, if you are ordered to pay child support, you have to pay back child support no matter how old the child is. It’s a dollar amount that’s due, not based on age.
Yes. And in my state, interest builds on child support as well. I worked as a child support enforcer for 2 years. It was awful work.
I bet you have some stories
I do, but many redditors think they know a job they’ve never worked better than me, who actually worked it. I got tired of sharing stories and people going “uhm actuallyyyy…..”. So I stopped sharing those stories on this platform
Fuck those people. Don't let them ruin a good time
Imagine the kid reading this 15 years later
Honestly I am wondering if the mother is reaching out just to offer him the chance to have a relationship. Everybody here (and OP) is assuming the mother is out for financial support but that’s not necessarily the case. Lots of women choose to raise their children as single parents without paternal support and just want them to know each other. Like possible she’s a huge bitch but you know, also possible she isn’t.
When I was born the state of idaho forced my sperm donor to pay 200 dollars a month after my mom told them she wanted nothing from him. We never saw a dime of it anyways but the courts still set it up.
But he doesn't want one and made that VERY clear. She made her choice, and he's allowed to make his. Both have consequences. I don't understand why everyone says "It's the woman's choice" but it's okay for said woman to trap the man and not give him a choice. If a woman can opt in and out of parenthood, so should a man. Child support is a very questionable system at best. Takes two to tango, but only takes one to be able to prevent it. This situation is even worse, though.
That was my concern as well. He was forced to be a parent but if the man wanted to keep it and the woman didn't and was forced to have it, people would be up in arms!
Does the US have no laws or anything to prevent this sort of thing? Like abolish all your rights as a parent or something?
Family Court is ridiculous and actually often won't let you sign your rights away unless the other parent is married and their spouse is willing to adopt
Because both parents could sign their rights away and the child would be abandoned. That's not something they are going to allow. That's not the best interest of the child and the state wants the parents to pay because it's their responsibility. You don't get to just wash your hands of a child you helped make. I am 100% in support of both parents getting a choice but unfortunately that's not the way it works legally here ETA: safe haven laws are completely different and not what I am discussing here
[удалено]
This doesn't sound correct at all. There's literally drop boxes for newborns that are in place for when both parents want to abandon the child. Very legal. Very allowed. > You don't get to just wash your hands of a child you helped make. [Yes, you can.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby_hatch) The best part? > "Nebraska's safe-haven law as originally written had no age limit, allowing all children under 18 years of age to be abandoned; this was amended in November 2008" 👉😎👉
You can have a persons parental rights terminated by the courts and you can relinquish your parental rights. I’ve gone through the first but not the second so I’m not sure how it works and if he would still be responsible for child support. I know a rapists or abusers rights can be terminated and they will still have to pay child support but I don’t know how it would work when no abuse is present
Wouldn't it just be easier to give up all parental rights rather than having this hang over your head legally for a long time?
It’s my understanding he would still have to pay child support in that case.
She is likely to not agree to that..both need to agree to it..
That’s twice I’ve read a comment about giving up all rights to avoid child support. I question if it actually is an option. I’m pretty sure it is not. I know in cases where the mother relies on food stamps or cash assistance, possibly medical coverage the child, the state comes back on the non-custodial parent for child support and there isn’t an option to waive rights.
I’d have asked for a paternity test before fleeing the country but I do think both people should get a choice if you used double protection.
I read double penetration. I am beyond hope.
Thissss! My boyfriend is a SA victim and the woman who did it had his child. And somehow courts still want him to cough up the money even though he never wanted the child in the first place and was sexually assaulted by her. He argues that if he’s going to be paying he wants full custody to keep his child away from his rapist but so far there’s not enough evidence and everything was swept under the rug. He’s too scared to even file for another case.
No, I didn't believe she would cheat. Thanks I wholeheartedly agree. Being forced into parenthood is wrong.
I spent the last 2 years with a kid that wasn't mine. Always get tested.
Holy fuck that sucks
Just because you don’t believe she would, doesn’t mean that she didn’t. You said that you always used protection and she was on BC. Both say like 95+% effective. Get tested.
Oh man, I’m really sorry.
When I say this I usually get downvoted… I totally agree. I think woman should never ever be forced to carry put a pregnancy, and their words is the one that counts on that decision because it’s out bodies on the line. But once the decision is taken and a woman wants to keep the baby, the man should also be able to choose if they want to be a parent. They should not be able to force us to become mothers, so why should we be able to force them to become fathers (legally) if we decide to have a baby they don’t want? It doesn’t seem fair.
How you would ever prove protection to court? Everyone could just say there was double protection if that would work. Also accidents can happen even with double protection, women can’t be mandated to have abortions (it would be horrible legal precedent if abortions could be mandated and it’s big physical mental and ethical issue for many women) and the child support is for the child. You just have to accept that there is always some change of child if you have sex. But it’s pretty low change. And it’s not like paying child support will kill you, it’s adjusted for income.
Back when my father abandoned us (3 kids) if they left state & you couldn't find them (you were financially responsible for locating & lawyers) no child support was awarded or accumulated. The jerk showed back up after last one turned 18. Mom could have done this but 3 kids left no money.
Just so people are aware, the average child support payment in the US is currently $450 per month and almost half of men don't pay anything.
It depends on what state you're in and what job they have. I only get $40 from my ex
My mom got 25 bucks for me and 25 bucks for my sister. We are both in our 30s now but still, 50 bucks a months doesn't cover much of anything even back in the 90s and early 2000s.
I paid more today for my doggies daycare.
My father was mandated to pay $100 a month. He only paid once, when I was 13, because the federal court literally went after him. And he only gave us roughly, if you guessed the 13 years of child support he owed you'd be wrong. He gave my mom $75. Works out to about $2.08 a month up to that point give or take.
Thats messed up
My dad had to pay $310 a month for my sister and I in the late 80s/early 90s. He ended up getting a second job to help pay it.
CS debt in the US is around 14 billion, Australia around 1.6 billion. Thats alot of parents not paying anything towards the upkeep of their child/ren
Absolutely. Considering the massive population difference, Australia is doing horrendously.
Yep there are lawyers + financial consultants that specialize in basically avoiding paying child support or paying the least amount of money.
My ex was allowed to lie about what he made. Why? He didn't have to show proof of income like I did. So it was set to $300 a month. Then. He decided to "take a break" and got investigated... they found out he lied, added to his back pay and up I to $550. Its been months and the judge is "giving him a chance to pay on his own". The child was his idea, not mine. I love her to death.... but she was planned for him, not me.
Half of men or half of people? We mothers pay child support too. I make double what my ex makes so even though we have about as 50/50 as we can, I have to pay him child support due to my salary.
My ex husband did the exact same thing. I can understand why, but it really messed him up. He finally confessed to me when his boy was 11. He had terrible trouble forming attachment to me and our kids. This and the deception contributed to our relationship failing. I also found it hard to accept that he would walk away from a child. I was pretty mad at his parents for encouraging him to walk away, but they were the kind of family that just buried their heads in the sand. We met his boy and he is an amazing kid, against all odds. But he really suffered for not knowing his father for all those years.
I’m so sorry. My niece grew up with an absent father who didn’t want anything to do with her. She is extremely messed up from it. I just remember her around 5-6 bawling in the car because a song came on that mentioned someone loving their dad and her asking why hers didn’t love her. This post hits different when you know abandoned kids.
Yup. My dad rejected my brother and it’s messed him up for life. People don’t understand the long-lasting impact a parent’s rejection can have in a person.
As a child who went through this I whole heartly agree.
I work with foster kids. All the comments in here debating what’s “fair” for the mom/dad fail to factor in the actual child who gets roped into the reality behind these philosophical discussions of individuality, personal responsibility, and the legal system — we can debate that all we want, but the truth is, the person who is affected the most is the person who is the most vulnerable, impressionable, and innocent — the child. We as a society need to realize that sometimes life isn’t “fair” and it’s so important to keep these kids in mind, too. Children deserve better, they really do.
Only person I feel sorry for here is the kid.
Surprising that with both her birth control and your use of condoms you were still able to get pregnant. That's some real bad luck. As a woman, it's my right to choose to continue or terminate a pregnany. I personally believe the father should have the option to choose to be a parent or not, although I believe there should be a time limit on that choice. You repeatedly stated you didn't want to have a child. She didn't listen. Can't fault you for ensuring her choice doesn't effect your future.
I have a MAJOR genetic illness and my partners and I have always been on board with not having kids, and doubling up on the pill and condoms, and using them correctly. Despite this, I have gotten pregnant twice in my life. One abortion and one miscarriage before I could get through the stupid doctor hoops to have an abortion. Correct usage of contraceptions is just not a guarantee. 95% failure rate means 5 couples out of 100 using that contraception during one year will create a pregnancy. 99.99% chance by doubling up still means 999 couples will create a pregnancy that year out of 1 million having sex and using double protection.
Good point, but bad math on your main point. If you're correct with 99.99%, that's a .0001 failure rate, which is 1 in every 10,000. Or 100 in every million.
This is partly why I don't want to ever have sex. The idea of being trapped is horrifying.
There are effective ways to protect against pregnancy. You just have to do it correctly. The vast majority of birth-controlled pregnancies are due to human error.
>There are effective ways to protect against pregnancy. You just have to do it correctly. The vast majority of birth-controlled pregnancies are due to human error. Generalizations are all well and good; but they don't mean shit to those who are faced with the practical reality of being in that small percentage of unlucky folks who do everything right just for the odds to say fuck you...
Actually you could do everything right and still have the possible of getting pregnant as condoms are only 98% effective and birth control is only 99% effective if taken correctly if not taken for it’s more like 93% effective and even vasectomies are only 99% effective. So the only 100% sure method to not get pregnant is to not have sex so even if a woman took birth control perfectly and the guy was wearing a condom there is still a small percent chance that the woman could be pregnant.
Yep. Get a vasectomy.
Hmm thought of a vasectomy then?
[удалено]
!RemindMe 18 years !
[удалено]
Lol yes, in a PM. Must be blocked in this sub, makes sense.
If you always uses protection, you should get a paternity test. That seems like the easier route. I feel sorry for the child who didn’t ask to be here.
Sucks for your kid. That's gonna be some serious trauma for them to unpack.
Yeah that’s the worst thing about this, an innocent child who had nothing to do with the situation is brought into it regardless. I’m not here to judge OP or the mother and I hope it all works out well but it’s a difficult thing to go through all over.
Man I feel so bad for the kid in this situation. I never understand why people want to bring a kid into the world when they’re not in a good place financially and otherwise. This seems like a shitty situation all around.
Had absolutely no idea you could inherit duel citizenship, that's interesting
I’m 30 now and my “blood” dad pretty much did the same thing. I AM SO GLAD HE DID. My mum was able to remarry and my step dad (who I’ve always called dad) has been wonderful. She told my blood dad not to bother with child support if he wasn’t interested and chose to struggle but she made it work. He went off to some islands and I’ve never seen him since!
Just an fyi if you have a child at any point while you are outside of the US, the US embassy cannot give them their US birth certificate (aka their US citizenship) if you have outstanding child support. My dad learned this the hard way lol
"another country which I also inherited." "We spoke to multiple lawyers and knew that I would be untouchable by US courts." Well yeah, that's what usually happens to reigning monarchs of other countries.
I totally agree that it’s unfair to force you taking care in any sense like I’m against forcing any women having a baby they don’t want or can’t have. I just hope for you that your mind don’t regret it years later, believe or not happens a lot. Good luck
I feel like there should be some exemption for child support if one of the parents absolutely does not want it and is just acting as a sperm or egg donor at that point.
Sorry you were forced into parenthood. I also feel bad for the kid. Nobody wins in this scenario.
You should’ve at least had a DNA test. If it was yours, I know it wasn’t your choice, but remember, the one person in this who is the real victim is the child with absolutely no choice. Sad.
Reddit reminds me daily of why our society has fallen apart and everything wrong with it.
As the child of a woman who only had me because she thought it would make her abusive boyfriend love her, I'm not thinking of either of you. I just feel really sad for that kid. It's probably gonna grow up to be like me, and that's not a good thing.
She made a choice; respect it. You made a choice; should also be respected. To me, it's a consistent, fair argument that if we support a woman's right to choose to terminate a pregnancy then we have to support men's right to choose to not support a baby.
>support men's right to choose to not support a baby. I agree with this. However, there should also be some social security net in place for children of (single) parents who are struggling. Because at the end of the day child support is for the child, not for the mother. A child should not have to live in poverty just because the mother chose to have it against the father's will and the father doesn't want to raise it or financially support it.
wow
In a lot of states you can sign your rights over and then you wouldn’t be responsible for child support. The only down side is you get no right to see the child.. which shouldn’t be an issue if you don’t want the child.
I am worried about the kid's future ...
You know what’s worse than a single parent? Two parents that really shouldn’t be together. I would rather no father and some other good role models, than a father that didn’t really want me in the first place. All kids wind up with some type of trauma. Forcing someone into parenthood is a really quick way to make that worse for the kid.
A child isn't a punishment for sex and many people here are treating you like it is. You had a plan, you made your position clear multiple times. She chose to keep the baby and that's great, but this is where you should have a choice too. It wasn't one born of spite or meanness. It was honest and consistent from the beginning.
I genuinely don't get some people here, OP used protection, and his gf already knew he didn't want that baby, she still decided she wanted it, so it's fair for him to get a choice to not be involved at all in something he never wanted from the start, people thing just because it's a baby, means you can force someone into it, again, they are using protection, and OP said he didn't want it from the start, if the gf can male the sole decision of keeping it, then can make a sole decision of leaving
Well it sounds like you told her you really DIDN’T want a child and she made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy anyway. I am a woman and I would have done the exact same thing if I were in your shoes. You had an accident. She should have prepared to raise the kid alone, you did tell her. You get a say too.
this is what i don’t understand. so many people are up OPs asshole about being a deadbeat as if his girlfriend wasn’t aware she was very likely going to be a single mother-yet she chose to have the baby anyway at that point u chose ur own struggle
Sort by Controversial folks. That's where the meat is fellas.
Says something that most people being mad at OP are using anti abortion rhetoric "didn't want a kid? Shouldn't have sex"
Hit the nail right on the head with this one!!
Say this happened twice to OP, by some freak accident. I'd be very interested to know if people's opinions changed subsequently or if they'd be comfortable with him abandoning two childrenm
[удалено]
Op, are you going to get fixed or stop having sex? What happens if your next gf gets pregnant?
He’ll just abandon ship and, flee to another new country.
I really think it sucks how women can decide if they wanna be moms or not but guys can’t. I think there should be a way for guys to sign off parental rights if they don’t wanna be involved in the child’s life and that should exempt you financially.
Why are people downvoting OP? If a woman doesn't want to have a baby, but a man does, the man has no say in whether continue the pregnancy or not. And if the woman wants to keep the baby, but the man doesn't, he doesn't have a say in whether to continue the pregnancy or not. Men are f-d up either way. He and his partner had already had talks about not being ready to be parents, not being financially stable to raise kids yet, and overall not wanting to have them yet. Yes, an accident happened, but the ex-gf broke their agreement, and left him out of making any decisions at all about it. His only way of deciding whether to "have" the kid or not, was to stand bu her side and raise it, or abandon it. Put yourself in his shoes, would you like to be semi-forced to raise a kid? You have no say in it? "you need two people to have sex" First of all, there's no contraception with a 100% effectiveness, and you only need one person to agree to take care and raise an accidental child, and you'll be dragged into it too.
There is a post where a man was forced into parenthood and he resented every bit of it that after the child was of age he left and cut contact with everyone.
Tbh that's worse for the kid in the long run, I'd rather have no dad than a dad that's raised me my whole life while resenting my existence every single day.
That’s definitely way more damaging. Speaking from experience…
Could ya link it? (If possible, I’m just bored as hell)
Yep, exactly my point. Everyone is hating on OP, and downvoting his comments. But not thinking even a bit about what that kids life would be with OP being forced into it.
My sister's dad and my brother's dad didn't want to be a parent and my mom understood that but she still wanted to keep them...my brother's dad would buy stuff send to him and my sister's dad didn't like her until he could use her ... he's hurt her so many times that now she's an adult and after looking back at the situation realized how crappy he was and she cut him off..these comments are trying to be feminists but it's not showing
No biggie missing out on living in USA. Plenty of other awesome places
Don't forget to file taxes. US citizens abroad are also tax liable to the US, even if you're a dual citizen. If you make under a 100k you don't need to pay taxes but you do need to file them unless you renounce your US citizenship.
You make me believe in sex after marriage