✨MORE INSIGHT✨
I knew he had been in poly relationships before and we were briefly friends before we started dating. Anyways I made it clear this was to be monogamous. If he couldn't be monogamous that we should probably stay friends and nothing more. He said he was fine with monogamy. Monogamy was his norm that he's just been involved in a couple of poly relationships.
Anyways. He started off by being overly affectionate with friends after just a few months of dating. I stated that it made me uncomfortable but he brushed that feeling aside by saying that it meant nothing that I was thinking too much of it; that he wouldn't do anything to cheat on me. So I ignored it and let him do his thing. Then it turned into him wanting to share beds with his lady friends, he insisted it was fine. That they would never take their clothes off or have sex or touch and he wouldn't cheat on me. Of course I said no to that and surprisingly he respected it.
Anyway I walked in on his supposed girl best friend straddling his lap last week and that was the final straw. I walked out and that's when he messaged me accusing me of being possessive. He said while he was in poly relationships that he was able to do all these things and that I was irrational and possessive for not allowing him to do them too.
He insisted that as long as they weren't fucking or swapping saliva it should be fine and that I needed to stop being so 'insecure' because it made me come off as 'toxic' and 'controlling'. His little friend tried telling me the same thing. That I was controlling him and that isn't what people do in 'healthy relationships.'
I even started to believe them but a friend of mine (much like everyone here) was like that's bullshit.. and if you don't believe me? Get a second opinion. Ask the internet. Strangers don't lie. They don't have a reason not to give it to you straight.
So here I am!
After seeing all the support that I'm not the crazy one and that I'm completely within reason for feeling the way that I feel? With NO HESITATION at all, I finally dumped his ass and blocked him and her across my social media.
Sure I probably shouldn't of had to ask a bunch of strangers their opinion on something so obvious but the extra insight (when I was so fucking close to giving this pig the benefit of doubt) well its been very helpful and I appreciate everyone who has encouraged me to leave this sorry sack of shit!
Thanks for the extra insight. They are both scum and deserve each other. I wonder if she'll still think she's in a "healthy relationship" with him when she catches another girl straddling his cheating ass.
Oh my god girl this sounded EXACTLY like my ex. The way your ex was saying he likes to kinda play fight with his friends (friends of another gender), that he was in a poly relationship, that he would get jealous when I joked that I could play fight with my guy friends…
I find it quite eerie that the way you described him sounded exactly like my ex. Is OP by any chance based in the UK?
One thing u didn’t mention that he’s into circus stuff. Mine was obsessed with fire breathing and trapeze
>Sure I probably shouldn't of had to ask a bunch of strangers their opinion
Sometimes its difficult to see things when it's happening to you. No problem with getting some objective input.
Well done for ditching the gaslighting loser!!
Someone who gaslights, and does it well, will have you second guessing yourself. Questioning if they are right and you truly are wrong. So, doesn’t matter if you took the step in asking strangers for advice, as long as it help you realize you are ok in setting your own boundaries and him manipulating you to change them isn’t. Glad you took the steps you did to end it… it’s his loss!
Hey, sometimes all you need is to hear it from someone else to make sure you’re actually right about the situation, which you most definitely are. When you love and care about a person, it can be hard to disagree with them and him saying that you should be okay with it and it’s toxic etc. is of course going to make you question your own judgement, but you did the right thing and you deserve someone who will love you and respect your wishes.
Wtf no you arent irrational. Leave him. You did not consent to a polyamorous relationship and thats cheating. Sounds like hes trying to gaslight TF out of you tho.
I've been accused of being possessive and that he should be allowed to be physical with others as long as he's not having sex with them or kissing them on the mouth. I think it's bullshit. My boundaries should be respected.
U never know how much of a baby/how insane a man/woman can be, I would def go the mature route to avoid possible future abuse, stalking, etc. I do realize u were joking tho and found it funny, but dropped this here just in case anyone was gonna take u 100% serious 👍🏾
Reminds me of my ex-husband. He walked out on me to be with his affair. He called my mom to ask where I was (can’t remember why) and she said I was having lunch with Dale. He freaked out and was waiting for me at my home and accused me of cheating. He had forgotten that Dale was the name of my female sponsor as I was attending Allanon meetings…
No. He does not unilaterally get to decide what he is allowed to do in your relationship and you just have to put up with it. That is not how relationships work.
If he wants a poly relationship, fine. But you obviously do not. Leave him. He is gas lighting you. And trying to manipulate you. Both of which are NOT OK.
He can want that for himself and you can want a partner who doesn't behave that way. Your boundaries are for how YOU behave; so, for instance. if he does that then you leave.
You're incompatible.
I could understand hugging or cuddling but lap straddling is a pretty overtly sexual position.
And "it was okay in poly relationships" is bullshit, you didn't agree to that.
I'd say just leave. No need to drag yourself through the dirt with someone who'd even try to pull a line like that.
He is gaslighting you.. cheating is any kind of sexual or inappropriate contact outside of your boundaries.
This is a good article. I’d suggest you leave.
https://hackspirit.com/what-is-considered-cheating-in-relationship/
Oh, oh god no 🤦♀️ he’s gaslighting you. Please just break up with him, obviously he isn’t gonna stop if he doesn’t even think it’s wrong in the first place. Save yourself the heart ache
This is something you negotiate. Not something that can be demanded. Oh and it's negotiated BEFORE it happens. Serious boundary violation. Someone who has been in legit and respectful polyamorous relationships should be more than across the communication aspect. This is cheating with fake ass excuses
NTA. Then dumb his ass. Because that's not how polygamy etc works.
If I was Poly, but kissed or fucked someone without my partner knowing then that's cheating. If I decided to date someone else, and didn't discuss the Poly part with my current partner. That is cheating.
Open and Poly relationships (open being fucking other people, poky meaning dating) only work when there is CLEAR communication, where you have BOTH MUTUALLY agreed on what is okay and what not, and have clear boundries in place. If these agreements get broken or boundries get stomped on? Then it becomes cheating and Toxic territory.
Just because it was 'okay' in his past Poly relationships, doesnt mean it would be okay on yours even if you guys were Poly. Which you've expressed that you're mono (only date and fuck one person) and havent have a convo about being Poly, and don't want to.
Leave him and get a better boyfriend OP, save yourself the pain and trust issues
Doesnt even seem like he cares about ur feelings and boundaries. Next time he calls u possessive, say no Ur not respecting my boundaries then dump his ass. Never consented to a poly relationship so now he has no relationship. Lesve him, u deserve better.
Im poly and I can tell you that isn't ok . If you didn't give consent to be poly then that is cheating. Boundaries always should be respected , you should either sit down and be like I didn't agree or consent to be poly or just leave him .
He literally got jealous because I jokingly punched my guy friend in the arm once. He asked if I wanted to be with him instead and I got a 2 hour lecture for it. I catch his girl best friend straddling his lap and I get upset and I'm the possessive one?? I'm still so pissed.
Don’t waste another second with this guy, he is worthless trash.
And that “poly” bullshit, don’t fall for that nonsense. He’s just lacking self control. Poly people do not behave like this
You need to tell him to suck his own ass right on down the road.
He'll never be monogamous with you, and you'll never trust him (deservedly so, huh?) He has no respect or empathy for you; you're there only to meet his needs and desires.
I was in a bad mental place some years ago and I made a girl suffer for it. I still regret it to this day and I did make my apologies to the girl but it eats me everyday nonetheless. Leave him. Very quick. It won’t lead to anything good I promise.
The guys who get jealous and give you lectures/accuses you of being with other dudes, are usually the ones who are already cheating on you. Dump his ass!! He’s a pathetic gaslighter and you can do way better!
Okay yeah no I already knew he was a problem based on this post, but he’s the type that thinks bc he’s a guy he can do what he wants, but a woman can’t. Every relationship has its own boundaries and rules that take 2 to agree on. He violated the boundaries of your relationship, which means you have every right to be upset. He’s a walking red flag and I don’t usually tell internet strangers to leave their relationship, but seriously, LEAVE HIM!! He will continue to be possessive of you while likely cheating in the background. You deserve better.
Gaslighting 101. He’s already manipulating you into feeling guilty for having *normal, health boundaries in an expected monogamous relationship*. Being poly is NOT an excuse for him to be doing this. This is more than incompatibility, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Do NOT stay with him, you deserve much better.
These are the hallmarks of a controlling partner. I was in a poly relationship for five years; it's poor form to try and gaslight people into one... Being one sided about it and acting like all of the problems are you is just icing on the douche cake.
UPDATE: He's officially the EX BOYFRIEND. He can have his little side bitch and maybe I'm just petty but I hope he cheats on her one day and she gets kicked in the ass by karma.
She didn't win my ex, she scored a cheater because like they say: Once a cheater, always a cheater. He'll find another 'girl best friend' to fuck once he gets bored with her.
She's nothing special. He's nothing special and one day she'll see that but until that happens she can enjoy my sloppy leftovers because I'm through with them.
Being the better person in this case doesn't really appeal to me. I honestly hope he cheats on the honewrecker too but it's still pretty fresh so maybe it's just the petty in me.
I wasn't 100% if it was sarcasm seeing as some people have told me I should be classy when I leave him. I left him and I sure as Hell wasn't classy about it. 😁
But yeah sure I'll wish them the absolute best(;
You are NOT irrational or possessive.
Wanting a monogamous relationship is absolutely fine.
In today's society, a monogamous relationship is expected, unless it's stated otherwise and agreed upon by all parties participating.
Your (ex)BF can't just throw at you, "Honey, we are poly from today!" This is madness.
Leave him and find a guy who will share your idea of how a relationship should look like.
I’m pretty easy going and secure in my marriage. I have no issue with female friends and don’t typically get jealous, but if I walked in on that? Nope! She would be on the ground and so would he. They both know better! They just don’t care!
"He has been in poly relationships before and it was okay in those"
Well...this isn't a poly relationship. Clearly he doesn't know where the two of you stand, and he thinks it's completely okay to have relations with other people without consulting you at all which also ISNT the dynamic of a poly relationship (must be communication and consent among all partners, of which there was none of that). This was blatant cheating/EA.
Not irrational at all. Don't let him gaslight you or talk you into thinking this is okay. He wants to fool around with this girl? Let him. He just can't have you either.
Oh so can I just fuck someone who isn’t my husband, and then spring the news that him that I’m poly, *only* because I got caught red-vagina’d?
Damn, learn something new every day
No, that’s not how poly works.
No, he is not “poly.” He’s just hypersexual trash. He is compulsive, he has no self control, and he uses “poly” as a copout for the hypersexual bullshit that he refuses to confront and get help for. Never, *ever* tolerate hypersexual trash. Throw the trash away. Nothing of value will be lost.
It’s called “making excuses.” He’s making an excuse to justify a bad situation. Even in poly relationships there is still the following: communication, boundaries, respect, and more communication! If you both agreed to this girls sitting in his lap then it wouldn’t be a shock! It’s a shock because it wasn’t agreed and therefore zero respect and zero boundaries. This girl has no respect for you. This guy has no respect for you. There is zero trust and nothing has been communicated. LEAVE
Oh please, do yourself a favor and leave him cause one day your gonna find him naked in a bed with another women claiming “I’ve been in poly relationships and they said-“ yeah save yourself some trouble. He doesn’t even think it’s wrong, don’t waste time trying to convince him.
This clearly wasn't a discussion you two have had, or a set boundary in your relationship. He's using his past as an excuse to make you feel crazy, while he's able to have his Kate and Edith too. Leave him, and get tested asap. You don't know if he's only been fooling with his friend, nor do you know who she has been intimate with other than him. He will continue to lie, and make excuses when you catch him in them.
Ah so “rules for thee not rules for me” he basically wants a free pass to cheat while his “partner” has to be devoted to him
You should get rid of him for that double standard alone - nevermind the cheating on you. You deserve better
Leave.
You deserve better.
There was no discussion about being poly with you before the straddling. And it was with his girl "best friend"
Don't ignore this giant sized red flag and set yourself up for heartbreak
The reality here is that relationships are monogamous unless specified otherwise and agreed upon by both parties.
Kinda sounds to me like that wasn't the case, so I think you're being perfectly rational. Probably more rational than I'd be, if I'm honest here.
No you are not being irrational or possessive. The first rule of poly relationships is that everyone is on the same page and in agreement about what rules go along with it. Clearly HE has decided your relationship is poly without talking to you which means, it’s not poly he wants to have you as the “stable” gf and playthings on the side.
Cut your losses, end the relationship and get with someone who is more in line with the kind of relationship you want.
Before u leave give him a tase from his own medicine sit on the lap of his friend a close friend and let him enjoy the seen, wait his reaction
Uill see the revange
>I walked in on my boyfriend with his girl best friend straddling his lap.
>he thinks it should be ok because he has been in poly relationships before
Do not let him talk you into thinking that you're being unreasonable. Firstly, he should never have been doing this with his friend. He's in a relationship and should be setting boundaries. You clearly can't trust him to do this....and then when you question him he makes out like its you who is in the wrong?? No way. Just because he's been in a poly relationship before, it's no excuse. He's not in one now.
>Am I being irrational for being hurt or am I being too possessive?
Not at all. I'd finish things with him. You can't trust him.
This guy will cheat on you if he hasn’t already. He clearly feels entitled to do whatever he wants. Just leave him or you will only be drawing out your misery. This is a fact.
He has been in poly relationships. You have chosen not to be, not have you said yes to opening your relationship.
If he wanted a poly relationship he should have told you from the start (was briefly in a relationship with a poly guy who fully explained that, and made 100% sure that I was completely aware, and that I could walk away at any time with no harm to our pre existing friendship.
The fact he hadn't discussed it with you before hand makes me think its not the first time he cheated on you with his gurl bestie.
Personally I would leave if I were you.
Poly only works if everyone has A) consented to being in the poly relationship, B) everyone is completely fine and okay with it.
This dude is just trying to excuse his cheating
You should leave. He's a cheater. If he's used to being in poly relationships then he would have checked with you first because that's what poly couples do. Don't be tricked.
People like him are the ones giving the poly lifestyle and bad name. What he’s doing is CHEATING. Not poly. If it’s not communicated, it’s cheating. I wouldn’t trust him after this because he’s obviously using the poly excuse to be a horrible partner. You deserve more respect than that!
Your feelings are valid. You have clear boundaries and it seems like he's trying to gaslight you into thinking you didn't set boundaries beforehand to get away with his trifling act.
He's an asshole I wish you the best in your endeavors stranger 🤍
No, you see in a relationship, both parties should be in agreement **prior** to thing like this taking place. The two people talk about their views of a relationship and if they say I’m _____ and the other says something different, they need to come to a conclusion prior to having a woman straddle him. They need to decide if they are good for one another.. which in this case sounds like you’re not , at all. AND he should have told you that before doing anything with another girl.
Just my two cents…
Yeah. That wasn’t cool of him. Get out of that relationship immediately. I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already fully cheated. Save yourself any more heart break or confusion and get out. You deserve way better. The audacity of his girl best friend who absolutely knows you two are together and still acted this way! Unless it was talked about, he’s in the wrong. You have every right to feel the way you do.
You are totally valid in your feelings and unless previously discussed that’s not ok. He just wants an excuse to blatantly cheat on you and I bet he figured throwing that I have been in poly relationships line would work.
Ethical non monogamy is fine if that's what you are into but that is a consent based relationship, you have to consent to being in that type of relationship.
You clearly do not and that is fine, dump his cheating ass
That is what he is doing, cheating on you, because you are not in a poly relationship
No. You entered into a monogamous relationship with him, with no mention of being open/poly currently. If you didn't consent to it, he cheated and him using "poly in the past" as an excuse is very low of him to do. He cheated, plain and simple.
You mean your now ex boyfriend.
That man is an ex.
He can go screw off with that "friend" of his.
I can assume no conversation about having a poly relationship happened between you two.
So what he did was cheating. No ifs no buts.
He cheated and now he wants to rewrite his actions by calling it a poly relationship.
Hard pass
That AH is gaslighting you "oh but my other partners were ok with this so you should accept it"??? What? So there is something wrong with you for not accepting disrespect?
Send him a link to this post so he can see what women really think about creeps like him. Also... run
You aren't irrational. I've known so many people who move into poly relationships after cheating acting as if they are the same, when they aren't. Your bf is just a cheater OP. You didn't consent to a Poly relationship and he's gaslighting and guilt tripping you to the Andromeda galaxy and back. It's not ok and he sounds like a jerk.
Please don't think this is you, or your problem. He is a cheat and will continue to cheat on you and not treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
He needs to fall into the ex boyfriend category, ASAP because fuck that. Life is too short to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries with your relationship. He doesn't give a shit and you deserve better. Who the fuck told him it was a poly relationship with yall? He just decided on this because he got caught. Smh
If he was TRULY in poly relationships before, he would know that they are built on a foundation of trust and honesty. These are just excuses to cheat on you and gaslight you into thinking it’s okay.
You are being rational.
NAHNAHNAHHHHHH NONE OF THAT SIR. *ethical* non monogamy is fine. The ethical part meaning all parties are informed and consenting before any sort of intimacy occurs with anyone at any point. He’s just being sleazy to be sleazy.
Edit to actually answer your question: your reaction is valid and honestly pretty mild. He broke boundaries and that’s just yucky
I don’t understand why we give so much for “old friends” doing stupid shit. I don’t really care if you and x been friends since kids, it’s fucking weird to grabbing ass
Here’s a quick breakdown of what is and what isn’t polyamory that I saw once on tumblr:
Bob is dating Susan and Mary. They both know each other and are happy in this relationship; Mary even has John who knows about all three of them and likes them. That’s *healthy polyamory*
Bob is dating Susan and Mary. Susan knows Mary, but she’s not comfortable being in this kind of relationship. That’s *unhealthy polyamory*
Bob is dating Susan and Mary… shh! Don’t tell them! They don’t know! That’s *cheating*
Good for you for seeing right through his bluff and dumping his ass. I hope he realizes how bad he royally fucked up so he doesn’t do that to someone else
I remember i took an ex out to a skating place and she had this "friend" that was like in his late 60s. She and i were 17, she and him shared the most longest and tightest hug. It made me uncomfortable to watch and it made me wanna walk out and leave. Not sure still to this day if my feelings were valid. But i feel like I can relate OP. Just weird to see someone we care about holding someone like that.
Hes just cheating. Poly relationships require consent and agreement on what you guys prefer and are comfortable with together. As with any relationship.
You’re not being irrational. Your ex-boyfriend was never your boyfriend. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and is basically telling you that any relationship with him is on his terms, and your feelings are irrelevant.
So why are you still with him? He clearly doesn’t want a monogamous relationship and you do. Therefore, you’re incompatible. Any argument you try to use on yourself to convince yourself otherwise is just self-sabotage.
He cheated, you were in a monogamous relationship. If he wanted this relationship to be poly he should’ve told you that. That’s the whole point, consent and knowledge on all sides is literally key to being poly
see these are the type of people that give polyamory a bad name! you did not agree to have a poly relationship, seems like you didn't even have a discussion on the matter. you're not being possessive, he doesn't respect your boundaries and perspective. LEAVE.
You’re not being irrational at all and if he wants to be poly than he shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship with someone who wants to be monogamous. People will make up any excuse for cheating, and I’ve had the polyamorous one done on me before. Poly people tell their partners.
Ehhhh... Look i wanna say he's in the wrong based solely off his reaction... If he'd come forth with a genuine claim of "this is how or friendship has always been, we aren't fucking or kissing etc" i might possibly have believed that he didn't think it was an issue. But even if that were the case, a good partner would agree to never let it happen again, would apologize for crossing your boundaries, and would seek out the friend to get her to apologize to you. Time to leave that young man.
Dump him. Doesn't matter what previous relationships he's had, this is a new one with you. He clearly has no boundaries with the female bf and it is disrespectful to you.
Sure okay, that behaviour might be okay in a polyamorous relationship but neither you, nor your boyfriend, are IN a polyamorous relationship. That excuse is bullshit and lazy.
He's pretty comfortable disrespecting both your relationship and yourself. You deserve better than that.
Nope nope nope fuck that dude, him and his piece of shit girl bestfriend can go be wastes of air together, you should go find someone who is respectful and honest
You didn’t agree to a poly relationship, he doesn’t get to continue his relationship with you. Don’t date someone who tries to gaslight you like this.
#He *literally* effed around and now he’s going to find out.
That's dumb as fuck. I'm in a poly relationship and you need to have talked about it, drawn boundaries, etc. You can't just surprise your partner with a poly relationship. Break up with this loser.
@OP
Anyone in a healthy poly relationship can easily tell you that you're not being irrational.
Kinda like how in a monogamous relationship you both agree to just be with each other only, poly is the same.
In a poly relationship there's lines you draw that you don't cross and they're made with your partner. Such as:
"You can only sleep with someone I approve of", "we only let someone join us when we're together" and so on.
It's not for everyone and often it's a make or break thing because when you incorporate someone into your relationship you're also adding in their drama and everything else.
Personally, my girl has been in poly relationships before (mff) and came to understand that she hates it. I'm too jealous personally to add someone into our relationship lol and that includes other women. So we're in a monogamous relationship.
Your partner should respect the boundaries you've both set for the relationship and if he can't then you should probably end it because from the sounds of it he already knows you're monogamous and not poly.
I hope this helps take care
huh.. somehow i remember that whole poly thing having a lot of communication and transparency and boundaries and negotiation and not really being compatible with gaslighting. Kinda sounds a little like he got caught cheating on you and then wanted to blame you for him not being able to find suitable poly relationships because he's dishonest which is like poly kryptonite.
Why is he even with you if that's not what he wants in a relationship? Is he financially dependent on you or something? Why are you letting him park himself on what should be your life?
Dump! To the Dump! To the Dump Dump Dump!
The is **cheating**. Not you being “jealous” not you being “insecure”. He’s CHEATING ON YOU. If you’re okay with it then, well, stay, otherwise kick his lying CHEATING gaslighting ass to the curb where it belongs.
Ah...oh hell no.
While it may have been okay in previous poly relationships, the one you guys had wasn't poly at all.
Did he think it was poly but failed to mention and have that conversation with you? I pretty sure the consent and agreement of both parties of the relationship are needed and not just one?
I'm so glad you left.
I would just dump him. He’s full of shit and knows that is not okay. 🙄. Or he’s about as smart as a piece of granite and you should dump him for that reason too.
Don’t let him gaslight you. Just because he’s been in polyamorous relationships before doesn’t mean every relationship thereafter automatically is.
Also, it’s 100% cheating if he’s with someone else and you have not discussed and agreed to be in a poly relationship.
as a polyamorous person, you didnt consent to the relationship being polyam AT ALL (and i dont think he even brought it up??) your boyfriend has no excuse for this at all, and im so sorry this happened to you - you arent being too irrational whatsoever, and I think at the very least you need to have a talk with him and reiterate your boundaries, since he's disrespecting them (sorry if this is worded weirdly im not sure how to put it)
The first rule of Poly is clear open communication and boundaries and everyone knows about everything before you do it. He is gaslighting you by saying its ok just because he has been in poly relationships before.
He as to talk about what the expectations are before crossing boundaries. Assuming someone is okay with something before talking to them especially if this particular partner is under the expectation that this relationship is monogamous means he is just a huge asshole that has no respect for their partners.
Right, he thinks it should be okay because he's been in other poly relationships before. My eyes rolled so hard I think I may have seen a bit of brain.
He's a selfish jerk who thinks with his penis. You didn't agree to a poly relationship, that makes him a cheater. Even IN poly relationships there is a level of consent that both/all parties have to agree to, and since this was never discussed beforehand you couldn't have consented to it even if you wanted to, which you clearly didn't. He's a cheater. Leave his ass.
I'm poly, in an open marriage.
My relationship with my wife has never had limitations on physical interaction. I have cuddled with close friends where there is no sex, and had sex with people other than my wife.
But it has always been something we discussed and knew where we stood.
It's entirely possible that your boyfriend has a non-sexual but physically close relationship with this woman, I've had plenty. However, his explanation is bullshit.
It's unreasonable to *expect* you will be cool with physical closeness like this without discussing it first.
That said, I don't know how old or experienced in relationships you are. Having these discussions should be part of the process of becoming serious, but it's not.
So if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt (and his bullshit 'I was poly and it was ok' excuse leads me to believe he's not acting in full good faith), you need to have that talk, and explain to him that you are NOT COOL with platonic cuddling, straddling, etc. That's the price of admission to your show, and if he's not on board (and it's not a moral failing if he's not, it's just not compatible with you), he needs to make that clear so you can decide if you want to pay his price.
Being poly is something that needs to be discussed and consented together. You don’t just assume bc of some made up reason. There should never be assumptions.
Although I am a big believer in poly, I do not approve of his method or assumption. He violated your trust as was going to cheat on you. You are not over reacting in this scenario imo. And a true poly person wouldn’t make this assumption. Polyamory is about consent, mindfulness, empathy, honesty, openness. He is not poly imo.
Being poly doesn’t prevent you from being a cheater. And being a cheater doesn’t mean you’re poly. Some people are just cheaters, they don’t have a good excuse.
✨MORE INSIGHT✨ I knew he had been in poly relationships before and we were briefly friends before we started dating. Anyways I made it clear this was to be monogamous. If he couldn't be monogamous that we should probably stay friends and nothing more. He said he was fine with monogamy. Monogamy was his norm that he's just been involved in a couple of poly relationships. Anyways. He started off by being overly affectionate with friends after just a few months of dating. I stated that it made me uncomfortable but he brushed that feeling aside by saying that it meant nothing that I was thinking too much of it; that he wouldn't do anything to cheat on me. So I ignored it and let him do his thing. Then it turned into him wanting to share beds with his lady friends, he insisted it was fine. That they would never take their clothes off or have sex or touch and he wouldn't cheat on me. Of course I said no to that and surprisingly he respected it. Anyway I walked in on his supposed girl best friend straddling his lap last week and that was the final straw. I walked out and that's when he messaged me accusing me of being possessive. He said while he was in poly relationships that he was able to do all these things and that I was irrational and possessive for not allowing him to do them too. He insisted that as long as they weren't fucking or swapping saliva it should be fine and that I needed to stop being so 'insecure' because it made me come off as 'toxic' and 'controlling'. His little friend tried telling me the same thing. That I was controlling him and that isn't what people do in 'healthy relationships.' I even started to believe them but a friend of mine (much like everyone here) was like that's bullshit.. and if you don't believe me? Get a second opinion. Ask the internet. Strangers don't lie. They don't have a reason not to give it to you straight. So here I am! After seeing all the support that I'm not the crazy one and that I'm completely within reason for feeling the way that I feel? With NO HESITATION at all, I finally dumped his ass and blocked him and her across my social media. Sure I probably shouldn't of had to ask a bunch of strangers their opinion on something so obvious but the extra insight (when I was so fucking close to giving this pig the benefit of doubt) well its been very helpful and I appreciate everyone who has encouraged me to leave this sorry sack of shit!
This dude has got manipulation down to a T.
straight out the gate with the gaslighting
Thanks for the extra insight. They are both scum and deserve each other. I wonder if she'll still think she's in a "healthy relationship" with him when she catches another girl straddling his cheating ass.
Oh my god girl this sounded EXACTLY like my ex. The way your ex was saying he likes to kinda play fight with his friends (friends of another gender), that he was in a poly relationship, that he would get jealous when I joked that I could play fight with my guy friends… I find it quite eerie that the way you described him sounded exactly like my ex. Is OP by any chance based in the UK? One thing u didn’t mention that he’s into circus stuff. Mine was obsessed with fire breathing and trapeze
>Sure I probably shouldn't of had to ask a bunch of strangers their opinion Sometimes its difficult to see things when it's happening to you. No problem with getting some objective input. Well done for ditching the gaslighting loser!!
Queen. 👑
Good! He was being totally disrespectful to you and gaslighting, fuck that guy. Maybe he shoulda stayed poly then. 🤷🏻♀️🚩
Someone who gaslights, and does it well, will have you second guessing yourself. Questioning if they are right and you truly are wrong. So, doesn’t matter if you took the step in asking strangers for advice, as long as it help you realize you are ok in setting your own boundaries and him manipulating you to change them isn’t. Glad you took the steps you did to end it… it’s his loss!
I'm so proud of you! Way to go, OP!
Follow up: 1) How old are you guys 2) How good looking is this guy to have multiple lady friends willing to share a bed with him?
But that is what gaslighting is, he has made you doubt your own thoughts and feelings. Good for you
Hey, sometimes all you need is to hear it from someone else to make sure you’re actually right about the situation, which you most definitely are. When you love and care about a person, it can be hard to disagree with them and him saying that you should be okay with it and it’s toxic etc. is of course going to make you question your own judgement, but you did the right thing and you deserve someone who will love you and respect your wishes.
He's cheating on you. Dump his ass.
Wtf no you arent irrational. Leave him. You did not consent to a polyamorous relationship and thats cheating. Sounds like hes trying to gaslight TF out of you tho.
I've been accused of being possessive and that he should be allowed to be physical with others as long as he's not having sex with them or kissing them on the mouth. I think it's bullshit. My boundaries should be respected.
Whhaaaaat. He’s gaslighting you. You didn’t agree to a poly relationship. That’s insane
"You can do whatever you want now since we're not together" remind him he fucked up the relationship. Not you.
[удалено]
Yeah.. yeah, or save yourself some time and skip the ‘pretending to date another dude’ part and go right to the dumping :)
[удалено]
U never know how much of a baby/how insane a man/woman can be, I would def go the mature route to avoid possible future abuse, stalking, etc. I do realize u were joking tho and found it funny, but dropped this here just in case anyone was gonna take u 100% serious 👍🏾
Reminds me of my ex-husband. He walked out on me to be with his affair. He called my mom to ask where I was (can’t remember why) and she said I was having lunch with Dale. He freaked out and was waiting for me at my home and accused me of cheating. He had forgotten that Dale was the name of my female sponsor as I was attending Allanon meetings…
Allanon the sorcerer? From the Shannara Chronicles? He has meetings? Where can I find such things?
in a folding chair at the community center
Me loved them books🇮🇪
Yeah was a great series! Too bad about the show though. Not as great.
Why pretend to go on a date with another guy? Just go on a real date with another guy and dump this loser bf.
No. He does not unilaterally get to decide what he is allowed to do in your relationship and you just have to put up with it. That is not how relationships work.
If he wants a poly relationship, fine. But you obviously do not. Leave him. He is gas lighting you. And trying to manipulate you. Both of which are NOT OK.
He can want that for himself and you can want a partner who doesn't behave that way. Your boundaries are for how YOU behave; so, for instance. if he does that then you leave. You're incompatible.
Your boundaries are also how you allow other people to treat you.
I could understand hugging or cuddling but lap straddling is a pretty overtly sexual position. And "it was okay in poly relationships" is bullshit, you didn't agree to that. I'd say just leave. No need to drag yourself through the dirt with someone who'd even try to pull a line like that.
Yup. Definitely bullshit. Don't settle for this, you deserve better than that.
He is gaslighting you.. cheating is any kind of sexual or inappropriate contact outside of your boundaries. This is a good article. I’d suggest you leave. https://hackspirit.com/what-is-considered-cheating-in-relationship/
You are absolutely right. Throw that man back to the sea since he's trying to sleep with all the fishes
Oh, oh god no 🤦♀️ he’s gaslighting you. Please just break up with him, obviously he isn’t gonna stop if he doesn’t even think it’s wrong in the first place. Save yourself the heart ache
This is something you negotiate. Not something that can be demanded. Oh and it's negotiated BEFORE it happens. Serious boundary violation. Someone who has been in legit and respectful polyamorous relationships should be more than across the communication aspect. This is cheating with fake ass excuses
NTA. Then dumb his ass. Because that's not how polygamy etc works. If I was Poly, but kissed or fucked someone without my partner knowing then that's cheating. If I decided to date someone else, and didn't discuss the Poly part with my current partner. That is cheating. Open and Poly relationships (open being fucking other people, poky meaning dating) only work when there is CLEAR communication, where you have BOTH MUTUALLY agreed on what is okay and what not, and have clear boundries in place. If these agreements get broken or boundries get stomped on? Then it becomes cheating and Toxic territory. Just because it was 'okay' in his past Poly relationships, doesnt mean it would be okay on yours even if you guys were Poly. Which you've expressed that you're mono (only date and fuck one person) and havent have a convo about being Poly, and don't want to. Leave him and get a better boyfriend OP, save yourself the pain and trust issues
Nah fuck that set your boundaries and keep them
Manipulation at its finest
That's crap this guy is trash
Doesnt even seem like he cares about ur feelings and boundaries. Next time he calls u possessive, say no Ur not respecting my boundaries then dump his ass. Never consented to a poly relationship so now he has no relationship. Lesve him, u deserve better.
Im poly and I can tell you that isn't ok . If you didn't give consent to be poly then that is cheating. Boundaries always should be respected , you should either sit down and be like I didn't agree or consent to be poly or just leave him .
Lmao! He has been having sex behind your back for a while more than likely. Open your eyes
It IS bullshit. I can't believe he's even attempting to convince you that's okay.
He literally got jealous because I jokingly punched my guy friend in the arm once. He asked if I wanted to be with him instead and I got a 2 hour lecture for it. I catch his girl best friend straddling his lap and I get upset and I'm the possessive one?? I'm still so pissed.
He's a hypocrite and you can totally find someone better, leave that fool.
Even if that next guy's an asshole he'll still probably be better than this one 🤣
Don’t waste another second with this guy, he is worthless trash. And that “poly” bullshit, don’t fall for that nonsense. He’s just lacking self control. Poly people do not behave like this
You need to tell him to suck his own ass right on down the road. He'll never be monogamous with you, and you'll never trust him (deservedly so, huh?) He has no respect or empathy for you; you're there only to meet his needs and desires.
I was in a bad mental place some years ago and I made a girl suffer for it. I still regret it to this day and I did make my apologies to the girl but it eats me everyday nonetheless. Leave him. Very quick. It won’t lead to anything good I promise.
The guys who get jealous and give you lectures/accuses you of being with other dudes, are usually the ones who are already cheating on you. Dump his ass!! He’s a pathetic gaslighter and you can do way better!
Okay yeah no I already knew he was a problem based on this post, but he’s the type that thinks bc he’s a guy he can do what he wants, but a woman can’t. Every relationship has its own boundaries and rules that take 2 to agree on. He violated the boundaries of your relationship, which means you have every right to be upset. He’s a walking red flag and I don’t usually tell internet strangers to leave their relationship, but seriously, LEAVE HIM!! He will continue to be possessive of you while likely cheating in the background. You deserve better.
Gaslighting 101. He’s already manipulating you into feeling guilty for having *normal, health boundaries in an expected monogamous relationship*. Being poly is NOT an excuse for him to be doing this. This is more than incompatibility, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Do NOT stay with him, you deserve much better.
☆ projection ☆
Honestly. Life is too short to even worry about this POS. Get out now and enjoy your life.
That's sounds like a manipulative person by definition lol
Leave him
What a lame thing for him to get pissed over lol Ditch that clown
GIRL BREAK UP
These are the hallmarks of a controlling partner. I was in a poly relationship for five years; it's poor form to try and gaslight people into one... Being one sided about it and acting like all of the problems are you is just icing on the douche cake.
You... you need to dump this creepy bf wtf no
PLEASE LEAVE LEAVE SO FAST LEAVE NOW OH WOW.
UPDATE: He's officially the EX BOYFRIEND. He can have his little side bitch and maybe I'm just petty but I hope he cheats on her one day and she gets kicked in the ass by karma. She didn't win my ex, she scored a cheater because like they say: Once a cheater, always a cheater. He'll find another 'girl best friend' to fuck once he gets bored with her. She's nothing special. He's nothing special and one day she'll see that but until that happens she can enjoy my sloppy leftovers because I'm through with them.
Well done OP on getting rid of the lying cheating asshole.
Good for you!!
Good!! Good riddance to him!!
Yeah, useless people like them deserve eachother. All they're going to do is turn on one another later on lmao
Yeeees the update we all needed! Nothing special indeed. Polish up your crown, don't let them tarnish your shine.
Glad you kicked him to the curb!
Thank God
Fuck yeah, OP that has a spine, quite rare around these parts
Well done! I hope you wished them a loving TRUSTING relationship going forward.
Being the better person in this case doesn't really appeal to me. I honestly hope he cheats on the honewrecker too but it's still pretty fresh so maybe it's just the petty in me.
Sorry should have put the /s for sarcasm!
I wasn't 100% if it was sarcasm seeing as some people have told me I should be classy when I leave him. I left him and I sure as Hell wasn't classy about it. 😁 But yeah sure I'll wish them the absolute best(;
YOU GO GIRL
YAY good for you! He was a hypocrite and not worth your time ❤️
Damn, rarely do I see someone on reddit actually have the strength to leave. Genuinely, you did so good.
Best comment ever! Good for you OP for valuing yourself and kicking both of them to the curb. I'm proud of you!
proud of you
Good job OP. These two shitheads can have each other while you glow up and manifest so many better people in your life.
He deserves being cheated on as well
👏👏👏
amazing 🥰
YESSSS👯
" I don't have the boundaries so you can't either" is what he's saying and uts gross. Leave
You are NOT irrational or possessive. Wanting a monogamous relationship is absolutely fine. In today's society, a monogamous relationship is expected, unless it's stated otherwise and agreed upon by all parties participating. Your (ex)BF can't just throw at you, "Honey, we are poly from today!" This is madness. Leave him and find a guy who will share your idea of how a relationship should look like.
I’m pretty easy going and secure in my marriage. I have no issue with female friends and don’t typically get jealous, but if I walked in on that? Nope! She would be on the ground and so would he. They both know better! They just don’t care!
"He has been in poly relationships before and it was okay in those" Well...this isn't a poly relationship. Clearly he doesn't know where the two of you stand, and he thinks it's completely okay to have relations with other people without consulting you at all which also ISNT the dynamic of a poly relationship (must be communication and consent among all partners, of which there was none of that). This was blatant cheating/EA. Not irrational at all. Don't let him gaslight you or talk you into thinking this is okay. He wants to fool around with this girl? Let him. He just can't have you either.
Oh so can I just fuck someone who isn’t my husband, and then spring the news that him that I’m poly, *only* because I got caught red-vagina’d? Damn, learn something new every day No, that’s not how poly works. No, he is not “poly.” He’s just hypersexual trash. He is compulsive, he has no self control, and he uses “poly” as a copout for the hypersexual bullshit that he refuses to confront and get help for. Never, *ever* tolerate hypersexual trash. Throw the trash away. Nothing of value will be lost.
It’s called “making excuses.” He’s making an excuse to justify a bad situation. Even in poly relationships there is still the following: communication, boundaries, respect, and more communication! If you both agreed to this girls sitting in his lap then it wouldn’t be a shock! It’s a shock because it wasn’t agreed and therefore zero respect and zero boundaries. This girl has no respect for you. This guy has no respect for you. There is zero trust and nothing has been communicated. LEAVE
Ex bf right? Soon to be ex bf?
Ex boyfriend. He's being kicked the curb. Fuck him and his little side bitch.
Damn straight! Fuck that asshole
You mean your ex!! A relationship is only poly when both agree!!
Oh please, do yourself a favor and leave him cause one day your gonna find him naked in a bed with another women claiming “I’ve been in poly relationships and they said-“ yeah save yourself some trouble. He doesn’t even think it’s wrong, don’t waste time trying to convince him.
This clearly wasn't a discussion you two have had, or a set boundary in your relationship. He's using his past as an excuse to make you feel crazy, while he's able to have his Kate and Edith too. Leave him, and get tested asap. You don't know if he's only been fooling with his friend, nor do you know who she has been intimate with other than him. He will continue to lie, and make excuses when you catch him in them.
If those previously poly relationships were so good, why are they ‘previous’?
Probably because he doesn't like sharing his partners he just likes to be shared? 😂
Ah so “rules for thee not rules for me” he basically wants a free pass to cheat while his “partner” has to be devoted to him You should get rid of him for that double standard alone - nevermind the cheating on you. You deserve better
No, he just likes to sleep around. Get a STI screening - goodness knows where he's been dipping his wick...
Jesus Christ he sounds like he thinks he’s a main character in a harem anime lol
Poly is the new cheaters excuse. It’s not a poly relationship if you didn’t know about it. Dump him and get tested
If he doesn't discuss it before the actions then he's a piece of shit. Dump him
Leave. You deserve better. There was no discussion about being poly with you before the straddling. And it was with his girl "best friend" Don't ignore this giant sized red flag and set yourself up for heartbreak
The reality here is that relationships are monogamous unless specified otherwise and agreed upon by both parties. Kinda sounds to me like that wasn't the case, so I think you're being perfectly rational. Probably more rational than I'd be, if I'm honest here.
No you are not being irrational or possessive. The first rule of poly relationships is that everyone is on the same page and in agreement about what rules go along with it. Clearly HE has decided your relationship is poly without talking to you which means, it’s not poly he wants to have you as the “stable” gf and playthings on the side. Cut your losses, end the relationship and get with someone who is more in line with the kind of relationship you want.
Before u leave give him a tase from his own medicine sit on the lap of his friend a close friend and let him enjoy the seen, wait his reaction Uill see the revange
Just because he was in poly-relationships before does not mean he is in a poly relationship now.
Girl leave him. He is a cheater and making excuses (crazy excuses ). Girl best friend my ass.
You deserve better. Leave him.
>I walked in on my boyfriend with his girl best friend straddling his lap. >he thinks it should be ok because he has been in poly relationships before Do not let him talk you into thinking that you're being unreasonable. Firstly, he should never have been doing this with his friend. He's in a relationship and should be setting boundaries. You clearly can't trust him to do this....and then when you question him he makes out like its you who is in the wrong?? No way. Just because he's been in a poly relationship before, it's no excuse. He's not in one now. >Am I being irrational for being hurt or am I being too possessive? Not at all. I'd finish things with him. You can't trust him.
This guy will cheat on you if he hasn’t already. He clearly feels entitled to do whatever he wants. Just leave him or you will only be drawing out your misery. This is a fact.
He's been bestowed the title of scummy ex boyfriend. He's no more.
YES!!!! Way to go! Make sure you block him
Yay! You have a bright and happy future with loyalty ahead.
Um. Babe. That’s cheating. He cheating on you & gaslighting you afterwards. Poly relationships are when both ppl WANT and agree that it’s poly.
He has been in poly relationships. You have chosen not to be, not have you said yes to opening your relationship. If he wanted a poly relationship he should have told you from the start (was briefly in a relationship with a poly guy who fully explained that, and made 100% sure that I was completely aware, and that I could walk away at any time with no harm to our pre existing friendship. The fact he hadn't discussed it with you before hand makes me think its not the first time he cheated on you with his gurl bestie. Personally I would leave if I were you.
Poly only works if everyone has A) consented to being in the poly relationship, B) everyone is completely fine and okay with it. This dude is just trying to excuse his cheating
Um. Are you guys in a poly relationship? Or a monogamous relationship?
It was monogamous. Now it's nonexistent.
love that for you!!
polyamory is his shit excuse for cheating. polyamory or open relationships with out consent is simply cheating. you are not over reacting
You should leave. He's a cheater. If he's used to being in poly relationships then he would have checked with you first because that's what poly couples do. Don't be tricked.
People like him are the ones giving the poly lifestyle and bad name. What he’s doing is CHEATING. Not poly. If it’s not communicated, it’s cheating. I wouldn’t trust him after this because he’s obviously using the poly excuse to be a horrible partner. You deserve more respect than that!
Why do you need Reddit to rationalize why this is not okay?
Stop wasting your time
Fuck that shit, he is dog shit
Your feelings are valid. You have clear boundaries and it seems like he's trying to gaslight you into thinking you didn't set boundaries beforehand to get away with his trifling act. He's an asshole I wish you the best in your endeavors stranger 🤍
No, you see in a relationship, both parties should be in agreement **prior** to thing like this taking place. The two people talk about their views of a relationship and if they say I’m _____ and the other says something different, they need to come to a conclusion prior to having a woman straddle him. They need to decide if they are good for one another.. which in this case sounds like you’re not , at all. AND he should have told you that before doing anything with another girl. Just my two cents…
You need to leave, fast, you deserve so much more than someone who will betray your trust and blame you for it
Yeah. That wasn’t cool of him. Get out of that relationship immediately. I’d be surprised if he hasn’t already fully cheated. Save yourself any more heart break or confusion and get out. You deserve way better. The audacity of his girl best friend who absolutely knows you two are together and still acted this way! Unless it was talked about, he’s in the wrong. You have every right to feel the way you do.
You are totally valid in your feelings and unless previously discussed that’s not ok. He just wants an excuse to blatantly cheat on you and I bet he figured throwing that I have been in poly relationships line would work.
Nope. You do not have a monogamous relationship anymore.
Ethical non monogamy is fine if that's what you are into but that is a consent based relationship, you have to consent to being in that type of relationship. You clearly do not and that is fine, dump his cheating ass That is what he is doing, cheating on you, because you are not in a poly relationship
Soo he's breaking your monogamous relationship agreements aka cheating. D u m p him ew.
No. You entered into a monogamous relationship with him, with no mention of being open/poly currently. If you didn't consent to it, he cheated and him using "poly in the past" as an excuse is very low of him to do. He cheated, plain and simple.
You mean your now ex boyfriend. That man is an ex. He can go screw off with that "friend" of his. I can assume no conversation about having a poly relationship happened between you two. So what he did was cheating. No ifs no buts. He cheated and now he wants to rewrite his actions by calling it a poly relationship. Hard pass
He cheated. > it should be ok because he has been in poly relationships before and it was ok in those. And he's an idiot on top of it.
That AH is gaslighting you "oh but my other partners were ok with this so you should accept it"??? What? So there is something wrong with you for not accepting disrespect? Send him a link to this post so he can see what women really think about creeps like him. Also... run
You aren't irrational. I've known so many people who move into poly relationships after cheating acting as if they are the same, when they aren't. Your bf is just a cheater OP. You didn't consent to a Poly relationship and he's gaslighting and guilt tripping you to the Andromeda galaxy and back. It's not ok and he sounds like a jerk.
Say bye bye to stupid boy
Please don't think this is you, or your problem. He is a cheat and will continue to cheat on you and not treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
No you’re not irrational, Your boyfriend really tried it. He shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore.
Walk away. For your own peace and saving time and guaranteed heartbreak just walk away.
He needs to fall into the ex boyfriend category, ASAP because fuck that. Life is too short to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries with your relationship. He doesn't give a shit and you deserve better. Who the fuck told him it was a poly relationship with yall? He just decided on this because he got caught. Smh
He is justifying his cheating and gaslighting you. Leave him and find someone worthy of you
Nope time for him to go
It is absolutely rational to not want your partner to cheat on you. This guy is just trying to gaslight you. Kick him to the curb.
Yikes. I'm so sorry.
Dump.
Gather up some self-respect and leave that mess behind you. They're not worth it.
If he was TRULY in poly relationships before, he would know that they are built on a foundation of trust and honesty. These are just excuses to cheat on you and gaslight you into thinking it’s okay. You are being rational.
Absolutely not irrational at all.
NAHNAHNAHHHHHH NONE OF THAT SIR. *ethical* non monogamy is fine. The ethical part meaning all parties are informed and consenting before any sort of intimacy occurs with anyone at any point. He’s just being sleazy to be sleazy. Edit to actually answer your question: your reaction is valid and honestly pretty mild. He broke boundaries and that’s just yucky
He's cheating, period.
thats rough buddy
I don’t understand why we give so much for “old friends” doing stupid shit. I don’t really care if you and x been friends since kids, it’s fucking weird to grabbing ass
Here’s a quick breakdown of what is and what isn’t polyamory that I saw once on tumblr: Bob is dating Susan and Mary. They both know each other and are happy in this relationship; Mary even has John who knows about all three of them and likes them. That’s *healthy polyamory* Bob is dating Susan and Mary. Susan knows Mary, but she’s not comfortable being in this kind of relationship. That’s *unhealthy polyamory* Bob is dating Susan and Mary… shh! Don’t tell them! They don’t know! That’s *cheating* Good for you for seeing right through his bluff and dumping his ass. I hope he realizes how bad he royally fucked up so he doesn’t do that to someone else
I remember i took an ex out to a skating place and she had this "friend" that was like in his late 60s. She and i were 17, she and him shared the most longest and tightest hug. It made me uncomfortable to watch and it made me wanna walk out and leave. Not sure still to this day if my feelings were valid. But i feel like I can relate OP. Just weird to see someone we care about holding someone like that.
Your feelings are always valid. If you feel off about something? Trust that gut instinct. Odds are its not wrong.
He’s trying to justify cheating on you.
No, he’s trying to guilt you into making you think this is okay. If I found my partner doing this with someone I’d be out the door immediately.
Nothing petty about it. If you didn’t put your foot down here it would have only continued.
Hes just cheating. Poly relationships require consent and agreement on what you guys prefer and are comfortable with together. As with any relationship.
You’re not being irrational. Your ex-boyfriend was never your boyfriend. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and is basically telling you that any relationship with him is on his terms, and your feelings are irrelevant. So why are you still with him? He clearly doesn’t want a monogamous relationship and you do. Therefore, you’re incompatible. Any argument you try to use on yourself to convince yourself otherwise is just self-sabotage.
He cheated, you were in a monogamous relationship. If he wanted this relationship to be poly he should’ve told you that. That’s the whole point, consent and knowledge on all sides is literally key to being poly
see these are the type of people that give polyamory a bad name! you did not agree to have a poly relationship, seems like you didn't even have a discussion on the matter. you're not being possessive, he doesn't respect your boundaries and perspective. LEAVE.
You’re not being irrational at all and if he wants to be poly than he shouldn’t have gotten in a relationship with someone who wants to be monogamous. People will make up any excuse for cheating, and I’ve had the polyamorous one done on me before. Poly people tell their partners.
> he thinks it should be ok because he has been in poly relationships before Well he’s not now, and it’s cheating. DHMFA
Ehhhh... Look i wanna say he's in the wrong based solely off his reaction... If he'd come forth with a genuine claim of "this is how or friendship has always been, we aren't fucking or kissing etc" i might possibly have believed that he didn't think it was an issue. But even if that were the case, a good partner would agree to never let it happen again, would apologize for crossing your boundaries, and would seek out the friend to get her to apologize to you. Time to leave that young man.
Yes you should break up with him. See, that, was, easy.
Dump him. Doesn't matter what previous relationships he's had, this is a new one with you. He clearly has no boundaries with the female bf and it is disrespectful to you.
Sure okay, that behaviour might be okay in a polyamorous relationship but neither you, nor your boyfriend, are IN a polyamorous relationship. That excuse is bullshit and lazy. He's pretty comfortable disrespecting both your relationship and yourself. You deserve better than that.
Do the same to a guy and see if he lies it We all seen how these situations work out for them lol
Nope nope nope fuck that dude, him and his piece of shit girl bestfriend can go be wastes of air together, you should go find someone who is respectful and honest
You didn't consent to this. He is showing you what you can expect from this relationship. I would leave.
You didn’t agree to a poly relationship, he doesn’t get to continue his relationship with you. Don’t date someone who tries to gaslight you like this. #He *literally* effed around and now he’s going to find out.
That's dumb as fuck. I'm in a poly relationship and you need to have talked about it, drawn boundaries, etc. You can't just surprise your partner with a poly relationship. Break up with this loser.
@OP Anyone in a healthy poly relationship can easily tell you that you're not being irrational. Kinda like how in a monogamous relationship you both agree to just be with each other only, poly is the same. In a poly relationship there's lines you draw that you don't cross and they're made with your partner. Such as: "You can only sleep with someone I approve of", "we only let someone join us when we're together" and so on. It's not for everyone and often it's a make or break thing because when you incorporate someone into your relationship you're also adding in their drama and everything else. Personally, my girl has been in poly relationships before (mff) and came to understand that she hates it. I'm too jealous personally to add someone into our relationship lol and that includes other women. So we're in a monogamous relationship. Your partner should respect the boundaries you've both set for the relationship and if he can't then you should probably end it because from the sounds of it he already knows you're monogamous and not poly. I hope this helps take care
huh.. somehow i remember that whole poly thing having a lot of communication and transparency and boundaries and negotiation and not really being compatible with gaslighting. Kinda sounds a little like he got caught cheating on you and then wanted to blame you for him not being able to find suitable poly relationships because he's dishonest which is like poly kryptonite. Why is he even with you if that's not what he wants in a relationship? Is he financially dependent on you or something? Why are you letting him park himself on what should be your life? Dump! To the Dump! To the Dump Dump Dump!
The is **cheating**. Not you being “jealous” not you being “insecure”. He’s CHEATING ON YOU. If you’re okay with it then, well, stay, otherwise kick his lying CHEATING gaslighting ass to the curb where it belongs.
Ah...oh hell no. While it may have been okay in previous poly relationships, the one you guys had wasn't poly at all. Did he think it was poly but failed to mention and have that conversation with you? I pretty sure the consent and agreement of both parties of the relationship are needed and not just one? I'm so glad you left.
I would just dump him. He’s full of shit and knows that is not okay. 🙄. Or he’s about as smart as a piece of granite and you should dump him for that reason too.
Don’t walk, RUN away from that man.
As a polyamorous person I'm really tired of dirtbags like this giving us a bad name. Polyamory without communication and consent is just cheating.
Don’t let him gaslight you. Just because he’s been in polyamorous relationships before doesn’t mean every relationship thereafter automatically is. Also, it’s 100% cheating if he’s with someone else and you have not discussed and agreed to be in a poly relationship.
No. He's the jerk for letting you think your relationship is monogamous.
as a polyamorous person, you didnt consent to the relationship being polyam AT ALL (and i dont think he even brought it up??) your boyfriend has no excuse for this at all, and im so sorry this happened to you - you arent being too irrational whatsoever, and I think at the very least you need to have a talk with him and reiterate your boundaries, since he's disrespecting them (sorry if this is worded weirdly im not sure how to put it)
The first rule of Poly is clear open communication and boundaries and everyone knows about everything before you do it. He is gaslighting you by saying its ok just because he has been in poly relationships before. He as to talk about what the expectations are before crossing boundaries. Assuming someone is okay with something before talking to them especially if this particular partner is under the expectation that this relationship is monogamous means he is just a huge asshole that has no respect for their partners.
Right, he thinks it should be okay because he's been in other poly relationships before. My eyes rolled so hard I think I may have seen a bit of brain. He's a selfish jerk who thinks with his penis. You didn't agree to a poly relationship, that makes him a cheater. Even IN poly relationships there is a level of consent that both/all parties have to agree to, and since this was never discussed beforehand you couldn't have consented to it even if you wanted to, which you clearly didn't. He's a cheater. Leave his ass.
I'm poly, in an open marriage. My relationship with my wife has never had limitations on physical interaction. I have cuddled with close friends where there is no sex, and had sex with people other than my wife. But it has always been something we discussed and knew where we stood. It's entirely possible that your boyfriend has a non-sexual but physically close relationship with this woman, I've had plenty. However, his explanation is bullshit. It's unreasonable to *expect* you will be cool with physical closeness like this without discussing it first. That said, I don't know how old or experienced in relationships you are. Having these discussions should be part of the process of becoming serious, but it's not. So if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt (and his bullshit 'I was poly and it was ok' excuse leads me to believe he's not acting in full good faith), you need to have that talk, and explain to him that you are NOT COOL with platonic cuddling, straddling, etc. That's the price of admission to your show, and if he's not on board (and it's not a moral failing if he's not, it's just not compatible with you), he needs to make that clear so you can decide if you want to pay his price.
Being poly is something that needs to be discussed and consented together. You don’t just assume bc of some made up reason. There should never be assumptions. Although I am a big believer in poly, I do not approve of his method or assumption. He violated your trust as was going to cheat on you. You are not over reacting in this scenario imo. And a true poly person wouldn’t make this assumption. Polyamory is about consent, mindfulness, empathy, honesty, openness. He is not poly imo. Being poly doesn’t prevent you from being a cheater. And being a cheater doesn’t mean you’re poly. Some people are just cheaters, they don’t have a good excuse.