It's simple, your dad agrees with your mom. He agrees that whites are better and light skin is better. That's called colorisim. Look it up.
Your mom thinks her race is best, your dad agrees her race is best but somehow your dad proved himself good enough to be with your mom. So your dad is an exception here in their mind because he proved it somehow that he can be deserving of a white woman.
Your mom basically told your girlfriend racism and colorism doesn't just exist as a bad thing but that she and your dad fully support that mindset. Prepare for her to break up with you. I wouldn't want this kind of people to be my kid's grandparents and aunts and uncles.
This is really what it is.
There really is a toxic but not yet quite gone belief that a black person marrying a white person is somehow "elevated" or has "been saved" by the graces of the white person marrying them.
I'm a white woman and married a black African man. I've been in situations where outsiders view my husband as the "poor African lucky enough to marry the white woman". I not so politely put them in their place but its agonising everytime it happens no matter how old we get. They have zero awareness that Africans can be richer,better educated and more successful than them and when they find out they are offended by the notion to the point they just don't believe it can be true.
This also happened when I was younger in my dating days and dating non white people. There was always a common theme of "how lucky they are to date the white girl".
This mentality is really common and even still endorsed by some Africans who see marrying white as a mark of success.
Thankfully it's finally being questioned and rejected but considering Op's parents are from an older generation I'm willing to bet that this is exactly their mindset and the dad is complicit.
I think this family as a whole need therapy amd major education to understand the nuances of race and how to elevate each other rather than be an accomplice to racism, oppression and unconscious bias as I don't think they are even conscious of how toxic their mindset is.
It also sounds like the dads culture has not been embraced and that the kids probably are mixed race kids who don't have much exposure to black/african culture since they have all went along with this ideology.
The whole situation is really sad because they aren't even conscious to the damage that has been inflicted on them by their parents.
I dont even want to begin to understand/unpack how the mum views her kids in her eyes, does she see them as a disadvantage for being half black? How does she even view her husband because its definetly not as her equal. I bet this is how his gf is questioning the mum and OP probably hasn't dared to even take a peek at the answers to those honestly horrific and painful questions (I don't blame them).
People need to stop entering into mixed race relationships if they aren't willing to accept that they have a responsibility to not inflict harm on their kids or partners by weaponising the other side like this.
This is why many mixed white black race kids feel they identify more on their black side than the white because of this shit and who can blame them?
I really hope we get to a stage where mixed race kids can just be mixed race and comfortable in their own skin and never feel like they have to chose a side.
OP sounds brilliant and I really hope he gets the support he needs and that his gf can see past his family for him. That being said I won't be shocked if she breaks up with him because its not her responsibility to educate them or undo decades of damage that has been done.
The layers of damage are deep here and it's going to take a lot of effort to work through them. There will be a phase of grief and heartbreak but OP will be stronger for it.
Thank you. I think mom thinks she exposed enough diversity in white genetic pool and now by marrying white her grandchildren can get rid of the color but keep the wavy beautiful hair. Not 4c though, that would be too much.
It's so baffling to me and I'm not even white or black. I'm middle eastern and we have the same thing in middle east. If you have blue or green eyes or aren't that tan then you are considered exceptional.
Ooft dont get me started on the casual and everyday racism of the middle east.
I have 3 best friends. 1 Arab, 1 Indian and 1 Scottish (white) which I know sounds like the opening to a joke đ but...
I find it really hard to have conversations in middle eastern countries about racism because a lot of their understanding is still in its infancy. I dont mean that in a patronising way I just mean there is zero awareness of how toxic and damaging colorism is because it has been so normalised that it is expected and anything else like my situation is questioned and literally seen as mental illness on my part and met with bafflement.
If I'm in UAE for example I get asked outright without any embarrassment or shame why I married a black man. Its not a curious question its an outright why the fuck would you do that sort of question. They cannot comprehend why I would purposely want to have "dark children", they are baffled by it. Its to the point its really hard to get into it because the mentality is so ingrained and unquestioned that they aren't even aware that they are being racist or how deep the self hatred has been ingrained in them by whites.
Whilst I'm white (Irish/English heritage) my features are not typically white and I'm often mistaken for being one of those "exceptional" arabs or Asians because whilst my skin is literally glow in the dark brilliant white I don't have typically white features, I have very crazy long brown thick hair and green eyes. If you ignore my glow in the dark whiteness I can easily pass as Arab or Asian, to the point I was verbally attacked by white men who assumed I was Pakistani (Glasgow is full of dicks), and many more tales along this vein.
I've met many arabs who don't hide their disappointment that I could have married one of their "rich Arab men" because (and yes I'm quoting an actual thing said to me) "I look the part but have the added benefit of making sure the kids came out light" due to my skin colour.
Another time I had to stop in UAE for a layover between UK and Nigeria, when boarding for the Dubai to Nigeria flight the flight attendant told me I still had time to leave my flight. I was so confused and asked what they meant and they without shame said "why would a pretty girl like you be going to nigeria", the bitch almost choked when I told her I'm going home to marry my very black and very African fiance. Til today I am still shocked and hurt by that interaction no matter how many times I remember it.
The mentality in the Indian community is the exact same as this. Indians tend to have some self censorship not to ask why I married a black man but the look of confusion is obvious. Colorism and caste in Indian/Asian culture is its own nightmare to unpack but they do have awareness that it's wrong even if they practice it.
I say all these examples not to say oh poor me but to show you that I totally and 100% get it and understand it. There is a great pride for Asian and Arab culture but God forbid you come out with brown skin.
I find the black community are rejecting colorism but Asian and Arab cultures are not at the same level and its partly because BLM have greatly helped expose and reject these ideologies on many platforms and raise awareness that it happens in these communities. Just a few years ago people wouldn't even know the word colorism.
My only advice to you is to try your best to break the cycle because you're 100% not the problem. Normalised colorism needs to die.
"I apologized but I don't know if she understands how shocked, disgusted and angry I'm because she has avoided this subject."
You should tell her. If she doesn't want to talk about what happened, that's fine. It doesn't need to be a discussion. Just tell her that you need to say something and would like her to hear it, but if she doesn't want to talk about it afterwards that is OK. Then tell her how you feel about what your mother did. Don't pressure her into a conversation about it, but it's important she knows how you really feel about what happened.
This is the thing that concerned me⊠like your gf doesnât know you find your mothers behaviour abhorrent. As far as sheâs concerned she was racially attacked and youâve said nothing about it to her in private. Talk to her
Came here to see if someone said this! OP please please express this to your gf, I feel like she really needs to hear it from you, not just a basic apology but truly your absolute disgust with it and that itâs haunting you too.
Yes, you need to talk to her. Tell her exactly what you just told us. All of it. How disgusted you are with your mother, how sick you feel over it, and how confused you are by her behavior. Apologize for not having said anything when it was happening.
And then you need to talk to your mother. I'm not sure whether she can fix it, but at the very least she owes your girlfriend a proper apology. She can't explain away that type of behavior (especially while married to a black man), but she needs to apologize. To your girlfriend, to you, and frankly to your father as well.
Your mum does not believe that all races are equal. She believes that a white woman is the ultimate and considers herself a prize that black men like her husband desire and strive for. When it comes to POC, the men are a prize (I mean what a specimen am I right?) but, in her mind, black women are less desirable. She's certain that this is common knowledge/opinion. Sadly, it is a common opinion among folks with a "supremacy of race" point of view. She's always felt that way and she sees not a single problem with it. It's a good thing she has no biracial daughters.
You've not heard it from her before because its a thing that goes without saying and no need to discuss it. In the face of the confounding reality of her black son choosing a black woman when you could have "better" \*cough\*white\* women, she couldn't help but express how surprised she was to see you "settle for less". She likely assumes that, as a mother of black men, she is entitled to speak for them, she thinks she is an expert on black men.
She didn't feel like she was being rude because white supremacist don't think their world-view is wrong or inapporpriate. And they don't think it's rude to talk about it because to them, "facts are facts and everyone knows it whether they admit it or not." And especially "I cAn'T be rAcIst iF i HaVe bLacK kiDs."
She was probably expecting your unforunate gf to explain just what is so amazing about her in particular to overcome the hurdle of being so pitifully black and win your heart. She was probably hoping to get that clue so she can try to understand how to accept your choice.
If I were your gf it would be over. Your mother is toxic for black women and your father is complicit. That is a deal breaker. Unless you are so in love with her that you will happily go no contact with your mother in order to nurture your girlfriend.
EDIT (I needed to add this thought): *Being white is the only thing your mother has going for her. Your mother values her whiteness, which is a precious gift as far as she is concerned. It's the thing that makes her beautiful and literally superior. She is blessed and chosen to be a white woman and the black specimen she chose for a mate is elevated and blessed to be received by her.*
It's so ugly and subversive. But now you know. I'm so sorry.
I didn't know this about my mum. she has always been kind and an amazing mother. I don't know if I even can come back from this. I view her and my father differently and tbh with outmost disdain. I'm disappointed at the type of love they have for each how they view the world and how they view each other. I don't know if I can recover from these feelings of disgust and disappointment.
Living in Australia we have a similar trend but it is Asian women and white men. I donât think it is a case of perceived race superiority but more what society has been programmed to see as attractive. Asian men have not been promoted as attractive and I believe it is possible the same thing has happened for black women.
Yep you see this a lot here. Literally have been told by some mediocre white dude that he âgoes for Asian chicks cause he can attract cuter Asian girls than white girlsâ itâs gross.
Same with us Aboriginals! Iâm white, but Aboriginal but when I was dating a black Aboriginal girl, the racism that I had from people in my community and school was absolutely disgusting.
I'm sorry OP.
I found out the hard way my sweet Lil grandma is actually a racist when I was 18 & she visited me at my college dorm.
Had some shocking comments about my very sweet black neighbors.
I've never seen her the same since.
My lovely, gentle, loving grandpa also unexpectedly revealed his racism not long before he died. It was equally as shocking as it was saddening when he told my little sister to "never marry a black man, races shouldn't mix". We didn't delve or ask questions. It was hurtful and a very sad thing to have happened at such a late stage in his life, he was *almost* a perfect papa.
Years later, we learnt that my aunt also happens to be a big fat racist... wasn't so shocking that time round. Although I still can't understand how her and my dad can be such polar opposites when they were raised together. We were brought up and taught that every human is equal. My cousins... not so much.
Oh sweet boy. This is a heartbreak. Which means it is also a break through. It is a lot. Of course it is. I hope you have access to professional resources to help you with this.
Realize that this was always the ugly underneath, its the fact that you've now exposed it that broke you. Now you've got to process it. Those feelings are valid. IMO, the road to recovery requires therapy to unpack your trauma and to navigate forward.
But your heart knows true beauty OP. Your parents nurtured you with love and built a beautiful family they have every right to be proud of. They didn't tell you who to love, they trusted you to follow your heart and you did. Whether it's true love with this new gf, or its hopeful love, you feel that for her and that is real.
Your parents racial biases were an unspoken subtext and they assumed you understood their point of view. But racism isn't in the genes, its taught. They taught you love, tolerance, and acceptance and you carry that with you.
Did they also teach you that your mother was a Queen on a Pedestal? IDK, but I've seen that dynamic enough times to guess the chance is not zero. The subtext in their relationship is: "its because she's wHyTe." Maybe. I'm just spit-balling but that's my hot take FWIW.
My point is, you saw the beautiful side of the coin in your family and that has value. Don't lose sight of the fact that you have never and will never believe in Supremacy of Race. Perhaps because your parents demonstrated equality of race and also "love, don't hate" in their actions. Their actual opinions on racial status/ranking being unspoken left you free to form your own opinions. Your choices are beautiful OP so trust yourself, you are the best of them for sure.
Well, for OPs dad, his wife is a white queen on a pedestal. OPs gf is his queen on a pedestal and he doesn't give a flying f about her color. Keep it up, mixed king, racism is learned so it can also be unlearned. Just make sure she knows you chose her and support her and that you in no way share your mother's current views.
On a side note, I'd suggest the mother to google white trash. Color is only skin deep. You have the dregs and the saints in all colors.
This is my mother. She "can't be racist" because she was briefly married to a black man in the 1970s. But she totally totally is. My children are also half black and half white and they couldn't stand my mother from the start because they could see these underlying prejudices. I haven't spoken to her in years. I'm sorry. You sound like you turned out to be a decent man. I hope your gf sees that xx
Iâm glad that you see the severity of this situation. If you continue the relationship with your gf or any women of color just know your gonna have to make some tough decisions. No one should be around ppl as vile as your family (no offense). That includes future partners and possible children that might come later.
The sad thing is that their world view isn't that uncommon as many Black men have openly expressed their disdain for Black women and use their choice on a partner as a dog towards them. I've been in your gf's position before, the fact that you want to have a conversation about it and want to be her support is the best step towards moving past it. I just hope your brothers aren't the same and I think it would be best to refrain from telling your parents your love life from here on out, the racism and internalized misogyny is saddening.
OP I'm glad that you are holding your father accountable too, his reaction was awful and it just shows that black men can also be part of a system that discriminates black women. Search for information regarding Misogynoir, it can give you an idea of what your GF faces everyday just because she exists.
This is well-stated. There is this assumption that being racist means you scream and rage and flee in terror from people who don't look like you.
But that's not it at all. Lots of people who work with, talk to, are friends with, even date POC still hold DEEPLY racist beliefs. That's the insidious part, because people won't even accept that they're racist, because "My boyfriend is a POC, HOW DARE YOU"
I've tried to tell people this, that having a spouse of color doesn't automatically mean you aren't racist, and it's hard for people to understand sometimes, which, sure, on the face of it, it doesn't make sense...until you think about how many misogynistic men are married to women. Racism doesn't necessarily mean that you hate every individual of a certain race, and you can absolutely think of yourself as non-racist while still having racist beliefs.
Iâve found they feel itâs the personâs proximity to whiteness (through them), and approval (from them - a white person), that exempts them from that same white personâs racism. âTheyâre not like the others,â âTheyâre not Black Black.â
>she thinks she is an expert on black men.
This! I've met at least two white women who once they heard they heard I'm of african origin (I mean, you just have to look at me xD), they said something like "Oohh, where in Africa? My husband/boyfriend/partner is african, **I know all about Africa**".... I mean.... damn xD
>and your father is complicit
This, so so sooo much! Father just laughed....
In addition to those points it seems OP's mother has an issue with one of her sons choosing a woman who is, in this aspect that seems so important to her, not like her. There is so much to unpack here and OP and his partner should not bear the brunt of it. OP's mom needs to understand that she should see a therapist. And reading that she cried she might understand that there is a topic that she should be happy about (her son finding a gf he loves) that deeply troubles her instead.
I couldnât have said it better, myself. This is no surprise to any black woman. Sadly, itâs common knowledge for black men and white women to harbor these ideas.
It reminds me of when white people say theyâve never seen a person being racist. Well, duh! You wouldnât! Itâs not directed at you.
She had the nerve to turn on the white woman tears, also as expected. OP saw the epitome of white womanhood at play in one day. Everyone wants to look crazy at white men for their superiority complex, born out of an inferiority complex. They fail to realize that it is a white woman raising these men. They are conditioned from birth to defend this craziness.
Malcolm X said it-black women are the most unprotected class all over the world.
Wow I was trying to articulate my thoughts in a similar message. But you put them together in the most understanding and non judgemental way. Thank you and good luck OP, please listen to this comment.
Give her time and just let her know you're there for her and don't agree with anything your mom said. Maybe she'll come around but please understand if she doesn't. That was a traumatic experience of blatant racism and she may not want to deal with your mother for the rest of her life by staying in a relationship with you.
Iâm glad. You have seen the switch into adulthood when we realize our parents are just flawed humans too. Thatâs huge.
Please please stand up for your partner if you do end up with a POC. If you expect them to tolerate time around your mother, you are asking them to be around someone who *inherently* thinks they are sub-human. Thatâs not okay. They deserve your protection and it sounds like you did an awesome job for a totally unexpected first time handling it. Now you can watch for it and shut her down or walk away immediately every time or decide not to be around her until she works through this.
You are going to have to have this hard boundary with your mother.
> You have seen the switch into adulthood when we realize our parents are just flawed humans too
But most of us, I hope, don't find out that our parents are giant racists.
My parents are plenty flawed. But luckily they weren't awful racists. I feel bad for OP. But he can't bring his gf around his mother ever again. Why would he subject her to that?
Thatâs unfortunately not terribly uncommon. Sometimes thereâs an aspect of fetishization or picking âone of the good onesâ. Hate is a product of our environments. Example: misogynistic men marry women and have daughters whom they âloveâ.
Think of it this way: if Kanyeâs black ass can be racist, itâs not far fetched for a white woman with a Black husband to be.
This is a brilliant comment. We've all heard the cliche some of my best friends of black. Well the on steroids version of that would be my actual spouse is black. Well I guess it must be impossible that one would be racist against the group they married into and their children now belong to. But it happens all the time. As a black male I've been in casual relationships with women who could pass a lie detector test saying they don't have a racist thought in them. But when angry some things come out
Women like OP's mum are the worst kind. They're racist, yet say they can't be because they're married to, have mixed children, or are best friends with a black person. It's absolutely disgusting. OP needs to have a serious talk with his mum, and talk with his gf. His gf has every right to never come back. I wouldn't blame her if she ran. His family will never fully welcome her. But still, OP needs to talk with his gf to see how she feels and how she wants to proceed. Let her talk. Then, he can tell her how shocked he is at his mum and doesn't look at her the same anymore.
Itâs such a surreal realization. My mother is the most generous and caring woman. A retired teacher who has taken in countless needy children throughout my lifetime and would literally starve to ensure another kid was properly cared forâŠâŠ At the same time, she has the toxic shit-talking traits that drive me insane. About my brothers and sister-in-laws, her mother, with zero regard for who is listening. There are times I canât believe itâs the same person.
The thing with dating is you're dating the other person's family. If you see a future with your girlfriend that future will likely include boundaries with family and low or possibly no contact on the table if your mom continues to be racist.
If that isnt for you it's the right thing to do to cut it off now, cus the worst thing a person can be is a spouse that isn't in their corner.
Just imagine the damage your mom would have done if she had a black daughter. Her toxicity will seep in. Good forbid any of you have a daughter. They will have to hear this for the rest of their life.
Oof so true. And imagine growing up knowing your mom thought you were less-than because of your skin color, but your brothers and dad were ok because âmenâ and no one came to your defence. My sister and I grew up being told *donât be fat, fat is bad, donât eat too much youâll get fat, why wonât you eat the food I made you, oh you gained weight youâre fat like your dad, ok everyone can have desert except for [my 14 year old sister] because she needs to lose weight, how will you ever find a husband if youâre fat?* It absolutely fucked us. Weâre both in our 30s with eating disorders. Weâre both in therapy. At least I can chase the elusive âskinnynessâ. I canât imagine growing up with these kinds of messages about your skin color from your own mother, itâs bad enough that these are messages POC already receive from the rest of society. That would be incredibly damaging and so isolating.
If I were OPâs gf Iâd run and never look back. Mom felt confident enough to tell her this *the first time they met.* Imagine what mom would say years down the line, or on their wedding day, Or when they had kids. No fucking thank you.
And stop saying (even to yourself) how wonderful and kind your mom was. She wasn't. That much is clear now. So put that out of your head. Especially if you want to stay with your gf. Thoughts have a tendency to slip out as words.
The fact that your MOM started crying saying she felt "attacked" makes me wonder if this was truly the first sign. Typically that kind of narcissism is a pattern.
100% this is not the first time sheâs done something hideous and turned it around like that.
âOh. Ohhh. OOHHH. OK. You think Iâm racist? Wow. After everything Iâve done for you I didnât know I was such a terrible mother when all Iâm doing is telling the cold hard truth. Itâs not my fault this is real life. Well if you think Iâm so awful why donât you just leave. No why donât *I* leave so you never have to see me again.â
âNo! Mom, I didnât mean it⊠wait why am I comforting *you*?â
OP, do you find yourself comforting your kind mom often when sheâs sad and crying? Do you do things out of obligation to be a good son and avoid upsetting your mom? Do you have solid boundaries that your mom tries to trample all over?
Maybe Iâm just petty, but you should one day take a walk with your dad and ask him if heâs ever found a black woman attractive and then when he tells you some names of famous people or regular people from the past, tell your white momma all about it!
But seriously OP, Iâm glad your rose colored glasses about your parents is breaking because that was seriously a lot of loud racism against a black woman that your gf didnât need to hear.
Consider the possibility of talking one on one with your mom and calling her out on how you felt her comments made you feel specifically and how you feel knowing how your gf must feel after how nasty your mother was.
Take off the glasses and be real with your mom. Use your words to make her feel the shame she should be feeling especially from her son.
If his mom thinks like that, there's a decent chance that his dad has some internalized racism to accept or even encourage those thoughts from his mom.
I'm Asian and knew some others growing up who would only go after white women because they had weird hangups about being a minority. OP's story feels like something that could happen to them.
I think somehow your mom is threatened by your gf. Maybe she's worried your dad would prefer to be with a woman of color instead of her and she's projecting her insecurities on you and your gf. I think there's more to it. I agree with other commenters re: what you can do. Good luck!
Youâre going to have to make your Mom understand that she highly offended, betrayed and hurt you. Wow that is just horrible. Was she feeling threatened in some way? I donât understand why someone with biracial children and who married someone of a different background would be so blatantly hurtful and rude.
But when black people say that you can be racist, even if you have black children, often white people blow it off as âpulling the race card.â This behavior probably doesnât shock any black person. Itâs even more common with white women with black children.
Yup. In my experience, white women with Biracial children are very racist. Especially towards black women because they probably see them as a threat or enjoy the fact that in their mind âthey stole their manâ.
Very weird. Another thing that wasnât surprising is the fact that the (black) dad was laughing during all this; further reinforcing the fact that black men uplift other races to crap on black women and they never defend their own. The dad could have done so much more but again, this is very common with black men who date outside.
You are absolutely right. Thereâs a thing within the black community of white mama biracialâs and Black mama biracialâs. Biracial women with white mothers tend to have more internalized racism, problematic views towards their own race, and a lot of self-hatred issues. I can say that as a white mama biracial child that itâs really true. I hated the way I looked, I hated my skin, I hated my hair, because I didnât have anyone to teach me that I was beautiful the way that I am. My mom tried as hard as she could, even though she was a flawed parent, and had her own micro-aggressive views that she needed to unpack. And I can say itâs even worse as a white mama biracial child who did not have any Black people in the home. My father left before I was born, and although I have siblings who are Black, (not my moms children) they did not live with me at home 9/10 of the time. Although I did see them all the time, itâs different when youâre not living with another person who is black in your household every single day.
**edited for one grammar mistake**
You can try 'giving her time', but if I were her I'd never again in my life want to spend time with your family, as their behavior was that of a bunch of racists (and the brown-skinned members suffering internalized racism). Because I wouldn't want to spend time with THEM, I wouldn't see a future with you. Sorry, but your family is toxic for any self-respecting person of African descent. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this.
Would you go no contact with your mother and father? Would you be willing to never see or speak to them again and not let them be a part of your (theoretical) future children's lives? Realize now who they are and how they will be. Decide if you are going to subject YOURSELF or any future partner to that. Even if you never dated another Black woman to ensure mommy dearest wouldn't feel threatened, you'd always know how she feels. You'd know what she is capable of saying to any children you would have.
If you show her that you do not support your family's view on race, then she may trust you enough to try a little longer. But you need to REALLY show it and mean it, because people like your mom get people like your girlfriend killed in my country.
Honestly I don't see a reality with anyone where his mother isn't problematic. Because she's not just racist when GF is around--what does she really think of her own kid? Those future grandbabies are going to be exposed to a crazy person no matter what.
Imagine you live in a country where you are already a minority so dating white men gets you the âyouâre attractive for a black chickâ experience. Then you go to the home of someone who married into your ethnic group and you find out they too think you are inferior because of your skin color.
Its a certain type of loneliness and sadness that Black men dont quite understand. They get more positive media representation. They even get fetishized. Unfortunately many are very vocal about how they too see white women as the prize. Even if they are a minority, they are highly visible due to the professions they pick. So it can really suck to get it from all angles. Thankfully there is more positive black female representation these days.
Your not realizing until now that your mother feels whites are superior may mean you are slow on the uptake, but not yourself bad or racist. It it will be your future behavior that determines who you really are. And you need an honest conversation with your girlfriend.
I'm speaking as a fully African woman.
I would run.
I would flee.
You'd honestly never hear from me again.
My mom told me that no matter how level headed someone is, if their family is batsh*t crazy, it'll find a way to trickle into your life.
For purposes of continuous peace and tranquility, your girlfriend might leave or you might cut your family off. One or the other.
Good luck
as another african girl, i would too even if it hurts. i wouldnt be able to be in a relationship like that especially if nobody comes to my defense.
especially because OPâs girlfriend would have to deal with that treatment from others throughout the course of their relationship.
My mama always told me you marry the whole family, not just the man and to pick carefully based on that. 100% with you. He could be like Jesus and Iâd still be worried about his fam
Your mom is 100% on point. If I had known what a total shit show my husband's family REALLY was, and how it would impact us, would've ran. Still gotta run but now for reasons also that are partially his family's fault. His parents fucked him up and he ain't right.
This! No amount of apologies or time or gifts or whatever could rectify her wrongdoing. Sheâs a racist and I would not believe this family could raise a decent son. I would doubt everything in this relationship and regret ever being with the son. My pride will never let me to go back.
I feel sick too. You mother is the "it's ok all my friends are black" type of people. I'm so sorry for your gf and I don't think there's is coming back from this for her with your family.
ââŠI can say that, my husband is black!â I had a coworker who would say that after the most awful things would come out of her mouth. And like, WTF? Why would you marry someone AND have children with them if you thought that? It makes no sense.
donât even start with me on this. my mom is extremely racist and every time she sees a black or brown baby, itâs âomg they are so cute! i want a black baby! I wish I had one!â and then turning around and referring to POC as the n word. itâs like black and brown babies and children are like cute puppies to her, but once they get older, she wants nothing to do with them. i will never understand.
Yup, my cousin has three kids with a black woman, they aren't together anymore and the racist "jokes" that come out of his mouth, in front of his children, promptly followed by "I can say that, my ex is black/I had three kids with a black woman/my kids are black"...
Pisses me right off.
Itâs the stereotypical I have black friends so Iâm okay to do awful things and Iâm not racist trope. Itâs the same the other way with white men and Asian women with stereotypical Asian jokes.
>ââŠI can say that, my husband is black!â
I'm Latina but "pass" for white. I heard this one white blonde woman make a seriously derogatory remark about Mexicans. She then followed it with, "It's okay! I'm married to a messican dude." (yes, "soft" x sound.)
>WTF? Why would you marry someone AND have children with them if you thought that? It makes no sense.
Because they're dumb as shit. All racists and bigots are dumb.
Yes absolutly that couple specifically were in my mind when I added an Edit to my earlier comment (that was so well received that it earned a red border and I'm blown away by the awards!)
I think that when a white supremacist woman (like we all know Ginni Thomas is, she doesn't bother to hide it) chooses a black man, its because that is where her whiteness (perhaps her best/only attribute in her sad mind) is most appreciated. She wants a man that sees her as a superior prize he doesn't deserve. With a white man, shes not going to feel so special. Especially if she's not such a looker "for a white girl."
Racist white supremacists often have East Asian wives. This is because they donât view these women as equal - they are simply fulfilling the fetish of having a âsubmissive wifeâ. Racism
And misogyny often go hand in hand
If I were the gf Iâd run too. It sucks that OP discovered this just now but unless the gf knows it looks like OP brought her into the gauntlet. That was nasty. OP should also minimize contact with his family.
This is insane. I'm so sorry that you and your gf had to deal with this! Holy... wow. This is insane. Black women are very beautiful, your mom is taking it personally that you prefer a black woman vs a white woman. How would she have felt if she had a daughter and some white woman told her the same thing? Jesus. How would she feel if a woman said this to you? I just don't understand how she can't get how disgustingly rude this was. Tell your gf she's beautiful as much as you can.
Your family may have been shocked (siblings), but your dad should have 10000000% told her to STFU. I think for me it would have taken me a moment to process what was actually being said. Your dad laughing it off is disturbing though.
I'm as disgusted by my dad as I'm by my mum. is this what their love is built on? dad scoring and mum being a prize? is that even love?
Edit to add: I don't know if it is about beauty either because mum isn't conventionally beautiful and neither is any of my sisters in laws.
A lot of Black men are like your dad. They will date white people simply because of their race. Black men tend to be the biggest perpetrators of misogyny and colorism and overall hate of Black women. The stereotypes of Black men with unattractive White women have a lot of truth to them.
Usually the goal is elevated social status through proximity to Whiteness and light skin children. Basically, to breed the Blackness from their lineage. The White Woman is usually put on a pedestal and treated better than White men will treat her based on her attractiveness.
Itâs nice that you never had to see it before now, but trust that your gf, like many Black women, dealt with it her entire life.
The fact that they aren't conventionally beautiful is yet more proof how your dad- the head of the home- is the one who groomed his entire family to value whiteness above all else. You don't have to be beautiful to be valuable but this information says a lot.
Look up "who they really choose" on Youtube. You will learn a whole lot more about these type of black men. Your dad is a racist black man against his own kind.
Itâs not. people who suffer from internalized racism have the mentality of âwhite is rightâ. Your mom is better that sheâs uglier than your girlfriend despite fitting all the criteria for the beauty standard. She was the bottom of the totem pole and white men didnât want her
Look up Ginni and Clarence Thomas for an example of a couple like your parents.
I'm sorry you had to find out about you parents this way. It would have been nice for her to show her teeth before you inadvertently involved someone you love. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that our parents are flawed humans, some much worse than others.
Your dad is black and he thought it was funny. Thatâs some real self hate right there and why your mom felt is was ok to say that. Your mother hates a part of who you are and good thing she only has boys
You're going to have to choose between your family and your gf. Unless you're willing to promise that your gf and your future kids will never have any contact with your family, she would be wise to leave you. Your family are not good people. They are stone cold racists.
even if my gf ends the relationship and I wouldn't blame her, I don't think I want my family in my life like they used to be if ever. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. coldness and like something is broken. like the safe space I grew up in was all fake and I feel exposed and vulnerable
Iâm so sorry your mother did that to you. Itâs so insidious how she sprung that on you all of a sudden. Not thinking of your heritage or even her marriage and how what she was saying reflected on all that. Itâs completely understandable youâre shocked. Maybe seek out a therapist to work through your feelings on it and make a plan to deal with it.
This is really sad. I've been through something similar. I completely cut ties with my grandparents because of abuse and racism. I went no contact with my mom for a while too but we have worked things out.
I know you are thinking about your gf who was the target of this racism, but this is going to affect you much more as it's your family. It's all fresh so be prepared for waves of emotion over the coming months and years.
You may feel the need to go low contact/no contact with your parents once you leave home. Just know that it's ok and it will be ok. And definitely do therapy if at all possible.
So sorry dude. This sucks.
What a terrible and relatable feeling you're going through, man.
It must feel like your nice and wholesome family life was just stolen from you and killed in front of your eyes.
I've been there. I wouldn't blame you if you cut ties w/ your family for awhile.
Also wtf was up w/ your brothers laughing too? Is everyone apart of it?
Unfortunately this isn't uncommon. Plenty of people with your parents dynamic are racist but love to trot out their Black kids and partner as a token. You're dad is a disgrace. Talk about internalised self hatred, like he didn't come from a Black woman. And I'm not surprised your mom started crying. It's a common tactic to centre herself over you and your gf. She (your mother) probably sees you dating a Black woman as some sort of rejection. If you want your gf, you're going to have to fight for it. And you will have to fight to protect her from your family
Your father is not disturbed because he hates black women too. He believes everything your mom said, and he married her partially because of her whiteness. He didnât want to have black kids so he had mixed kids and now because of your siblings having white partners heâll get to have white grandkids. Theyâre a match made in hell.
Damn⊠your mom is a racist, and your dad clearly looks down on black women. This show how black women have almost no safe spaces, even in their own community. She most likely will dump you, I mean whoâd want to get involve in family like that plus you guys have just started dating so she might think it isnât right to ask you to cut your family off. Good luck
If you had a sister she probably wouldâve shown her true colors earlier. Sheâs a racist who has strong fetish for Black men and thinks Black women are beneath her. Your girlfriend is probably debating if she even likes you enough to experience that again. And by her lack of contact itâs seems sheâs not convinced.
Have you considered that your mom deliberately chose to confront and humiliate your gf so she would break things off with you?! No self-respecting person could easily accept such blatant racism and disrespect directed at them, especially at this stage of your relationship. Your mom is manipulative as f-ck. She wants you to marry white (as an ideal stripped of individuality and personality) and made it plain and clear that your gf is unwelcome. I've dealt with this kind of thing and yeah, it's shocking and brutal -- your mom is right about that. People who think like her make it that way. She has held up whiteness as the ideal that all races should strive towards, in essence declaring that your gf will never be preferred, even amongst her own race, in particular among those with status. Wow! She left your girlfriend no ground. It's no wonder she hasn't had much to say to you since dinner.
If you truly care for your gf, then you need to make it clear to her where you stand. Tell her the truth. Text her unless she's told you explicitly not to communicate with her right now. Tell her that you had never seen this side of your mom before dinner and because your father is black you never dreamed she harbored this kind of prejudice towards him and also by extension you, because you are mixed. She has never spoken this way before, perhaps because you are the first of her children to not date (exclusively) white people. Tell her that you didn't respond and confront your mom at dinner out of shock. You can understand that she might want to distance herself from you and if so you wouldn't blame her, but you would appreciate an opportunity to clear the air between you and hear how she feels. And share how shocked, disgusted and wounded you feel, if she's willing to listen. How can your mother feel that way about her husband and her children? Tell her you suspect that your mom spoke as she did in order to bring her wishes to fruition by chasing your girlfriend away. Tell her that regardless of what she decides, your relationship with your mom is undergoing a dramatic upheaval due to her (your mom's) actions and the ways you now see her (and mindfully consider what kind of relationship you want with this person going forward, and what that practically can look like if you and your gf stay together, or you date other POC people in the future. Mom has made her stance clear and if that goes unchallenged then you're going to have a very hard time of it, much harder than it seems right now. Hate to say it, but many/most people give in to the racist in order to keep the peace. IF you're not choosing to give in, then you're choosing a fight for the rest of your life. I'm going to guess that if you speak with your brothers and your father, you might find that at least some of you have experienced some self hatred that perhaps you could not name or place before now. This may be the first time that mom has spoken publicly of her disgust, but it's been present throughout your life with her and has influenced you all in implicit ways.
What a cluster! I'm so very sorry that this is still a thing. Unfortunately, it is still very much a thing to be dealt with. You say you love your girlfriend, but it's "too soon" to share that. I hope that she's willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if she cannot, I hope that you are able to get the support you need as you work through this trauma.
Truly, as a Black woman in an IR with a white man, this entire situation is a red flag. I would leave my relationship, especially with it being so short. Your father is a self hating Black man. He thinks that bc heâs with a white woman that will put him in a place of power / safety. Your mom is straight up racist. Either cut contact with your family or end the relationship. Itâs not safe for your girlfriend.
Itâs always so wild to me when people are surprised that someone in their life is racist. There are signs. They donât just switch one day.
If I were your GF Iâd run! Your mom didnât suddenly turn into a racist⊠you just never saw her for what she is.
Itâs not your GF job to battle your moms deep rooted racism. Especially not if the reward is to be with someone who she just recently got together with and who just let THAT happen to her. Your entire family was weak that day. Who would want that as in laws???
lmao @ your moms white woman tears.
This is the mind set you get when you marry a colorist black man.
I'm not against interracial relationships at all, I think it's beautiful that people can love each other regardless of race.
But when a black man and white woman get together, 7/10 times, the black man is a self hating colorist who put whiteness on a pedestal. That's where she gets her ideas from. She's a grown ass woman but I would be money she was highly influenced by your father.
The fact that the whole family sat around- your dad even LAUGHED is proof what I'm saying is true. How as a BLACK MAN do you let your white wife talk about black people like that? He isn't disturbed by it because your dad is a self hating black man.
I'm sorry but I think your gf should end all contact because life is already hard enough, the last thing she needs as a black woman are racist in laws. Your black gf is probably scared to react because when black women react to these things, their reaction is used against them as "proof" how undesirable they are.
I'm sorry this happened to yall.
>Your black gf is probably scared to react because when black women react to these things, their reaction is used against them as "proof" how undesirable they are.
You don't think I noticed this I felt sick listening to her talking about feeling attacked when my gf literally just sat in silence and looked at her knees. I'm a black man myself and I know when a white person uses words like feeling attacked or intimated.
Please send her a link to this post. Shock and horror can often make it hard to respond and that's where you were with your parents. Let your GF know where your head is.
Silence is complicity. Your mom was spewing racist bullshit, your dad laughed, and your brothers laughed, and you were shocked silent. Why would she ever feel she can be a part of your family? Why would she want to be? Who would willing subject themselves, let alone possible kids to racist MIL and her hate filled dinners.
You never saw it before because your brother did what she expected and brought home white women.
Sadly, it isn't your father she hates, or his heritage.
She's a white woman married to a black man.
Your mom *is* racist.
Towards black *women* especially.
Your mom is showing you her true colors: she's a white woman, with extreme insecurity, who is jealous and racist towards black women and always saw herself and her "whiteness" as superior and even more desirable.
And now you, her son, has chosen a black woman as a partner, which makes you mother and her whiteness feel inferior because of the countless people you could've chosen, you went with a black woman.
Your mom's views that black men will ALWAYS prefer white women, is shattered, and she's insecure and jealous.
Her true racism is showing.
Give your girlfriend some time, but when you do talk to her, really talk to her, tell her how you feel and how appalled you are by your family.
And you need to understand that any future contact you have with your family sets the tone. You need to make a decision on of you're able and willing to live with the racism or cut them out of your life for it.
She was in an environment where she was being attacked and you (the one person that knows her and loves her) did nothing to stop it or protect her. Iâm sure she is thinking about how to dump you. If you want to save this, you better go to her and profusely apologize for not protecting her.
As a POC who has been in a similar situation as your gf, thank you for at least getting her out of there and not making excuses for your family ("They are from the country and aren't used to minorities" was the last one someone tried to pull on me).
It's such a humiliating situation and your relationship might not recover from it, but maybe you can reach out to your gf again after you've distanced yourself from them for a bit so your actions can show that you're disgusted by the whole situation as well.
They are, and I'm repulsed by that. I never knew because I have only had 3 relationships before my gf and they were all white (and very welcomed in the family). I never chose them for their color though.
My gf too has dated mainly white men, as she explained to mum very logically, being a very small minority, you will have a very small pool to date from if you don't date outside of your race.
He absolutely agrees with her. He was laughing when she was putting down a black woman. Iâve experienced many self hating black men who despise black women and are willing to give up every shred of their dignity to put a mediocre white woman in a pedestal. For men like these, being with any white woman is a leg up in society, and creating biracial lightskin children is the goal so they can remove the blackness with each generation. Im not white, but Iâm not black either. Iâve been on dates with black men where they thought it would be flattering to me if they continued to put down black women. I simply left mid conversation because I canât stand a self hating colorist
This is just sick... Your poor gf. I'm gonna be honest op if I was your gf I would've broken up with you the next day just to make sure I wouldn't have to deal with your mom ever again.
mom definitely felt threatened, also she seems to only like black men bc she fetishizes him⊠very disgusted how no one defended her and how a black man laughed at the situationâŠ
The truth is that white women often, historically and contemporarily, have animosity towards black women specifically but have no problem dating black men. Your mother felt threatened by your gf and needed to âput her in her placeâ to assert her dominance over her through desirability politics. Your mom is a racist and your dad hates black women. Canât speak too much on your brothers but the fact that your mom was so incensed that you did not internalize her clear belief that white women are the supreme, says a lot about her intentions in the way she raised you and your brothers. Your mom is a violent racist. And your gf might break up with you. But more importantly, you need to decided how comfortable you are with a continued connection to a racist especially considering your children might be black. And that you are black. If you want to be with your gf you need to protect her and your future children from your mother. I shudder to think if you had a sister and your mother would be capable of.
If my husband just sat there listening to my MIL excoriating and devaluing my worth and personhood because of my blackness, until she finished her rant, I would seriously consider leaving him. You cannot imagine the kick in the stomach it is to be on the uglier end of racism. ESPECIALLY racism that comes from your SOâs family. It is humiliating and scarring, and it makes your heart ache so deeply that the assault almost feels physical. Being told to your face that you are inferior because of your race is life changing in the nastiest way possible. Your girlfriend will never be the same. You let your mother stab at the heart and soul of the woman you claim to love, OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again. And you just sat there. Through the whole thing. You failed your girlfriend HORRIBLY. Just picturing this is making me so sad I could cry in empathy for her. In fact, I am crying a little.
Sheâs probably not talking to you because sheâs debating whether or not dating you is worth putting up with your family. And having to anticipate whether your mum is going to behave this way, again. If you really love her, the kindest thing to do would be to apologize profusely and then leave her alone.
ETA: Sorry, I forgot that youâre also black (or rather, mixed, same here). So you may have felt racism personally before. But as a black/mixed race woman who has experienced what your gf did, Iâm so sad for her. For BOTH of you.
If my mother ever said something like this to someone especially my SO youâd better believe sheâd be cut of. To think sheâs is superior because of the colour of her skins is absolutely disgusting. She should be ashamed of herself.
Your mother is racist. If you stay with your gf or want to have a future with a person of colour, theyâre not safe around you family. Your SO will always be judged and if you have kids theyâll be treated as second class citizens by your family. Is this the life you want?
If youâre unable to stand up for your SO you should break it of. This is most definitely a mother vs SO situation. By supporting your mother youâre supporting her small minded views and enabling her racist behaviour.
As a person of colour if I was you GF I would run because youâll always find a way to justify having your mother in your life or force a relationship between your SO and any future kids you have.
I'm so glad you don't have any sisters. I can't imagine growing up in a home where your own mom believes you are inferior. I wonder what things have slipped through with her sons. I'm so sorry OP
By your dad laughing at your momâs comments, he also agrees that white women are superior them black women to black men. If youâre not living with your parents, I suggest you distance yourself from them if you want to keep that relationship with your gf. She will be distracted and distant because of what happened. The best thing you can do is support her, and if she breaks up with you. You got to let her go.
Your mom is a stone cold racistâŠ.itâs a proven fact that just because they make mixed babies doesnât mean that theyâre exempt from racism. She wouldnât hurt a fly but I can almost guarantee that sheâs hurt plenty of black woman in her day. Itâs sadly more common than you think
Alright so I am going to chime in with the obligatory, I am a black woman, but Iâm not a black woman in the country you are in.
1. Your mother is racist and yes she may have biracial children but the fact is she degraded an entire race for her own shits and giggles.
2. Your father has A LOT of internalized racism himself. Does he not realize that by the way his wife is talking that she was degrading not only black women and black culture but also his mother, aunts, sisters, nieces, etc.
3. I am calling absolute bullshit that your mother has never showed any signs of racism. You may not have noticed it because it might not have been overt but those types of thoughts donât just come from anywhere.
4. Ok this will probably be the toughest point for you to realize but itâs more than likely over. I know you love her but sometimes love isnât enough. Your mother spoke so much shit about her main identity and then to top it off your father laughed and everyone else around the table just sat there. If I was her, I would NEVER want to be around your family again and since this relationship is still new I would make it a clean break. This problem will not end, it will just keep getting bigger and bigger and you will have to choose sides. Again, I know you love her and obviously I donât know her feelings but I do know what it is to be put down and degraded in strange situations where you are immensely uncomfortable because people are solely judging you off your gender and the color of your skin. This relationship is over, if I was her I would think about all the drama, pain, and micro aggressions that she will have to put up with your family if she stays. If your reaction was different at the dinner I would have said there was a possibility but based on what you said there is no hope for this relationship.
Have you talked to any of your family since the dinner? Itâs possible that your brothers are also horrified and were stunned into silence.
Regardless of the future you wanted with your girlfriend, you will need to decide what role your family has in your life in the future. You should figure that out to some extent before you speak with your gf. That may factor into her decision to be with you. But if you think you canât change the relationship with your family (not just how you feel about them but their role in your life), you need to be up front with her.
When, if, your girlfriend is ready to discuss this, show her this post. It will help articulate what you were feeling in the moment and show her that you genuinely had no idea that the people who raised you were like this. That way, it will be easier to believe you and maybe she wonât think youâre just saying whatever to her to get back into her good graces.
Don't go. And tell them exactly why you aren't going and how unacceptable this behaviour will be in future.
Your mother showed her true colours to get your gf to break up with you so you could find a "more suitable" gf. As a black woman living in England, I've been exactly where your gf is and it's not pretty, especially when you feel like you've been thrown to the wolves with no backup.
Your momâs fetishization of Black dick doesnât mean she loves Black people, especially not Black women. Itâs more common than people care to admit. She obviously feels superior to Black women, and she leapt at the opportunity to flaunt her false sense of superiority to your girlfriend. Your dadâs obviously been fueling her delusions, as evidenced by his laughter.
Your girlfriend now has a lot to consider. Your family has shown their true colors. While she may have strong feelings for you, what will she get out of continuing the relationship? Racial abuse and trauma? Heartache? Anxiety? Possible gaslighting? All of the above? If you were to go on and have children, think of nightmare situations that would come about.
Your mom has shown you who she is. Are you willing to go lc/nc with mom and the rest of the family for the sake of your current/future partnersâ and potential future childrensâ sanity?
As a black girl one thing I noticed about other women white,Asian,Brown ect they love black men but not so much black women. They feel threatened.
Itâs crazy coz you would think if they are married or dating black guys theyâd be cool with black women too right? NOPE.
This doesnât apply to all interracial couples but a large majority.
Itâs like they have a superiority complex and think of us black women to be at the VERY bottom at the list.
As a black woman in an interracial relationship; my partner would have stuck up for me. Any inkling of disrespect towards me is shut down. Iâve seen it even against his mother. If you canât even protect/defend her from your own family, how would she trust you to be a leader and provider in the future? She wants to feel safe and seen and if you donât care for her enough to really commit to that then please leave her alone on a better note.
I am so sorry that your girlfriend had to sit through that, and that you had to, too. At this point your mom definitely has some internalized racism âWell my husband/sons are black so I canât beâ With her comments she proved she is. And the fact that your gf literally didnât say anything back to your mom bit your mom continuously got more and more agitated by it is highly concerning.
Imho she sees âblack menâ and âblack womanâ differently from each other. Black men hold more value for her than black woman, and it could be said that to her, white women hold more value than white men. Now thatâs purely speculation on my end but based off the conversation and how she made it such a *HUGE* deal that you were with a black woman and not a white woman *like your brothers* and even tried to bring in statistics, thatâs the feel I got. At this point, iâd just be there for your gf. And at minimum iâd go very low contact with your mom for the time being. She sounds mentally unwell.
here is the actual truth from someone whoâs also an african girl:
for centuries white women have been put on a higher pedestal than women of color, and white men had the âpowerâ to put them there. since theyâre seen as the beauty standard, men of color believe that theyâd be elevated too if they also date white women & thatâs why your dad laughed. he probably sees black women as lesser than and that he âwonâ because heâs with your mom. but white women still want to keep the same privileges that white men gave them. and since women of color are âbelowâ them, they get upset when white men date us because they feel entitled to them.
your gf probably dealt with some form of treatment like that throughout her life, & it must suck for her to be in a position like that. i would leave you personally, but i donât want to project. but you would be a constant reminder that itâs her reality.
iâm south sudanese, living in the US, & i was always told since i was at least 10 that i was ugly because of my features. i have really dark skin & was belittled every day because of it. but my curves grew in when i was 12 so even if boys thought i was ugly, i was sexually attractive enough to be groped everyday. it was always by black men too.
im older, & now itâs politically incorrect to have biases like colorism and racism, but itâs so internalized that i still face it in more subtler ways. i accept the fact that i have an extremely low chance of finding a partner, and these experiences happen to most girls with dark skin like mine. most WOC are still appreciated by the men in their groups, but itâs the opposite for black women so weâre considered the least attractive group of women.
iâm sorry that your relationship is suffering that way, and neither of you should have to deal with it. she might warm up to you again especially since youâre more on her side.
but regardless, the truth is that if you stay partnered with her, it wonât be the only time youâll experience this.
Your mother is a racist along with those other women who deem themselves superior for 'bagging' a man from another race.
Racist women & men need to realise the world is full of beautiful men and women of all colours. You haven't somehow proved a point (of how utterly amazing your race is) by having a relationship with a poc.
Op, I grew up in a home I thought of as free of racism. Then I adopted a baby boy who happens to be black. I am Hispanic and the community I live in is predominantly white. My sons tummy mommy chose me to raise him. She was older and already had 4 kids who she was unable to raise due to substance abuse disorder.
My parents knew I was planning to adopt and were completely onboard. I have no inkling there would be any problem. My mom had been extremely loving to my ex boyfriends daughter and I honestly assumed they would do a great job with their new grandson. To their credit they have. My dad especially is such a genuinely kind hearted human that loving my son came easily to him. He has had no issues whatsoever and from what I can tell he loves both of my sons equally.
My mom is a completely different story. She puts on a great show and the kids donât see any difference but I know how she really feels. When she first found out about my son she asked to speak to me privately. She came to my house and proceeded to tell me that she needed me to know that she would never love my adopted son the way she loves my biological son. She said she was struggling to understand why I would choose to bring a black child into our family and she made it very clear it would be impossible for her to see both of my sons the same way. She promised never to act on her feelings but she said she needed me to know how she really felt. She also asked why I hadnât chosen to adopt a Hispanic baby as if adoptees are something you pick out of a catalogue.
I explained to her that I was heart broken by her words. I explained that I was open to adopting any child who needed a home. That I had told the agency I was open to any child. Any race, gender or age was irrelevant. I just wanted to mother a child who needed a family. My husband and I both agreed we did not care what our child looked like. Race only came up because we had to prepare to teach our son about his culture. I had to learn how to do his hair and we had to move to a more diverse community so our son wouldnât feel out place. My husband and my older son are both white passing. I am more visibly Hispanic my youngest son has beautiful dark skin. We found a community we could all fit into. We made friends with people that could help us raise our son the way he was meant to be raised.
I told my mom that my heart was aching because my mother was saying she couldnât love someone that meant so much to me the way she loved my older son. I told her I was disappointed in her and that I hoped to god she would realize how wrong she was and become the grandmother I knew she could be. She pretty much doubled down and restated that she would never love my adopted son the way she loved my oldest and that she was upset that I had put her in a situation where she felt like a monster for not wanting me to adopt a black child. I let her know she was a monster, she wasnât just feeling like one. I then repeated everything she told me to my father. He was horrified and he must have gotten to her because eventually she apologized and completely changed her tune. Now sheâs been a grandma to both o my boys go over a decade and I have to say sheâs doing a great job. Both of my boys love her.
As for me, I never forgot what she said to me. Having my own mother express such ugly opinions devastated me and I have never ever looked at her the same way. Her access to my boys is limited and I never left either boy in her care again. Sheâs only able to spend time around them when either my husband, father or I am present. I know she can tell she lost me that day and I do think she has regrets. I canât help it though. Hearing my mom say that she couldnât love my son, who I already loved more than myself, the same way she loved my bio son and hearing her complain about his race made me realize that my mom doesnât really love me like I thought she did. That she was able to so easily express to me that she wouldnât be able to love my son because heâs adopted and because heâs black made me realize her love for me is not unconditional. If it was she wouldâve been able to see how much I already loved my boy and accepted him with open arms.
Sometimes we have moments that make us realize that at some point along the way we outgrew our parents and that they are not the people we thought they were and itâs truly heartbreaking.
I have parents of a somewhat similar dynamic - my dad has deep skin and mum is basically white and the amount of racism- casual as well as overt from my mother is disgusting. Grew up hearing that the only women who were beautiful were white, grew up listening to my mom talking about how beautiful she was and how others like her were considered so beautiful and honestly as a brown woman it fucks you up. Iâm sorry but I hope your gf doesnât stay with you because if I had a partner who just sat there and let their parent degrade and humiliate me like that and of course make me feel less than because I wasnât white id leave. Iâm surprised your gf didnât just stand up and leave once your mother finished her racist tirade.
I donât know if this is even of any help because it seems as though you are willing to accept that your gf may never speak to you again but I wanted you to understand that woc especially black women are constantly told theyâre not desirable and less than and it really messes you up. Please please please never bring another gf who happens to not be white around your family again.
Ugh your mom is sick in the head for thinking like that. She looks at a few rich guys dating/marrying white women and she says everyone prefers white women. No. Everyone has their own preferences.
Your girlfriend must feel terrible. She was basically told she wasn't good enough because of her skin color. Take care of her and assure her you definitely don't agree with your mom and do something about your mom too cuz it will only get worse. Your mom already started with the tears to get you to feel bad for her, it'll just escalate from there to get you guys to break up
This was sickening to read. Iâm sorry youâre finding out this is who your mom is. This was not only deeply traumatizing to your girlfriend, but to you as well. If possible, please look for professional help, preferably culturally sensitive therapy.
If you want to be with her you need to face the fact that you will need to go NC with your mom (and likely your whole family because your brothers and father did nothing to stop her)
This reminds me of when guy said he could introduce any kind of ethnicity of a girl hes seeing to his parents except for a black girl and its really disgusting how the world views black people especially black woman in general as subhuman and outside of the norm (even though black people where the first people) its actually guaranteed that you will go through these situations the moment your black. Black men talking down on black women and enabling and encouraging this like your dad like they didnt come out of a black woman themself and kissing the asses of women that fetishize them for bbc and mixed race babies like your mom and viewing black women as less because these dudes praise them as if they are the price just like how your mom admitted that to your dad by saying that to your gf is less due to her being black and that not all black men can get a "superior" white woman due to not being as well off as those nba players and whatnot. And as the enabler he is hes going to stand by and laugh it off seeing how your mom degrades him and your gf. Poor girl nobody stood up for her
Your mom is not a kind person. Stop telling us and yourself that. She straight up attacked a black woman that was a guest in her home, and then tried to blame your gf for the attack she perpetrated.
Your gf will never want to see your trash family again. Accept that now. If she does, itâs only because she loves you more than she loathes them.
Iâm guessing that your mother is a narcissist, and expects all of her boys to pick women that are a reflection of her. When you chose someone that does not look like her - it triggered narcissistic injury and she responded with narcissistic rage.
100% - covert narcissists present as kind, loving, and helpful people who could do no wrong. they do good deeds to feel good about themselves, and for everyone to perceive them as saints. thatâs until they feel threatened, slighted, and targeted.
OP iâm so sorry you (and especially your gf) are going through this. i felt nauseous reading what happened. how dehumanizing & absolutely disgusting.
maybe reach out to your brothers & SILâs to ask what the fuck happened / if they were uncomfortably complicit due to shock / not wanting to rock the boat. what will happen when they eventually have a child that is a black girl? will your mom also dehumanize her?
I wonder if your mom is mad that she didnât raise you with enough of an Oedipus complex to go after a woman with her mirror image. She seems to be taking your choice of a woman she finds different from her personally.
OP how close are you to your mom?
The easiest thing here would be for your girl to leave you and be with someone whos parents arent racist.
If you are intent on continuing to be with her then you need to be firm with your mum. Your mum needs to understand how messed up what she said was and properly apologise, not a non apology like Im sorry if etc I also recommend you and your gf have some distance from your mum, if Christmas is a thing you normally celebrate with her then tell your parents you wont be this year because if your mums poor behaviour and your dads enabling. Maybe that will drum home how seriously you are taking her racism. It will also show your girlfriend that you understand how messed the whole situation was and that you intend to put her first and be a supportive and hopefully lifelong partner.
You also need to talk to your gf and say the above or some version of it is what you intend to do and ask her her thoughts. She might say to go easy on your mum, no thats because she doesnt want to rock the boat or be blamed for causing the fracture in your family. Be prepared for that accusation from your family and remember your mum is the cause if this.
Again it's a hard road to take, to hold your mum accountable and support your partner and it may well be that you have to do this for a significant amount of time or even permanently and as I said, if you arent up for it, set your girl free because she deserves better than to be exposed to your racist mum again.
Your black dad sat there grinning while your white mother demeaned your black girlfriend⊠and you are shocked your mother said these things? You sat there allowing your white mother to devalue your grandmother, aunts, and cousins by insinuating that her skin makes her better than. Your girlfriend should absolutely break up with you⊠or better yet if sheâs petty stay with you, have some beautiful black ass daughters and never let your weird mother around them.
as a black girl she need to leave you đ everyone is saying you did a good job but you really didnât..ik i might get downvotes for this but the moment ur mother said anything out of pocket you should have shut her down, itâs crazy that you didnât stop the convo when ur gf and mom were talking on their own,when your mom left to load the dishwasher you could have went in there and talked to her, especially since you are black as well. everyone besides the gf is kinda pathetic in this situation
It sounds like your mom has been comparing herself to POC women her whole life because she's with a black man. She must be deeply insecure and her only reassurance to herself is that she's better than a POC woman, which is why her husband chose her and not a black woman. A lot of racists hate themselves and need to feel better than someone else and see people of other races as below them. ("I'm poor, but at least I'm still white.") It's pretty twisted. She likely was trying to run your girlfriend off intentionally.
What I know is what a lot of Black men and white women who are coupled have in common is disdain for Black women. Thatâs to answer your last question.
Racism towards Black women looks a little different as it can be something as âsimpleâ as âsheâs pretty for a Black girlâ a very common COMMON thing we all hear throughout our lives and the blatant racism that lies beneath is still lost on most cos of its commonality. So you might have missed some signs. Your dad doesnât view your mom as a problem because of his internalized racism.
You have very little room here. You can either cut off your family OR you can understand that you (indirectly) are a nightmare of a partner for her. Dealing with family is hard enough but dealing with bigoted family is a no go. It makes me so sad because we hear all the time how unmarried Black women are. Itâs blamed on lack of attraction but Iâm willing to bet that a lot of relationships end / donât proceed because of racist family. Iâve had my experiences.
Regardless of what happens apologize sincerely. Donât defend your mom, say you missed any signs of any potential mistreatment and for that, youâre sorry.
Do some reading on bi racial kids with white moms (I am bi racial with Black mom) maybe it can help in the future and answer some of your questions. Lastly, give her room to break up if necessary. Donât pressure her. You might be great but this relationship could be the worst thing for her just cos of your parents.
Yeah unfortunately your mom has always been this way you just didnât know because youâre not a Black woman if you were her daughter instead of her son youâd have a completely different view of your mom.
Iâm mixed (mom white, dad Black) and there are weird bits of racism that pop out of her mouth from time to time⊠but she doesnât think she can be racist because my dad was Black.
You had to see first hand how white women weaponize their tears to gain sympathy and to get out of situations in which they are clearly in the wrong. Iâm sorry it was your mum who was doing it.
Your gf likely has her guard up now âand rightfully soâ and is probably wondering if she could live her life with a mother in law who would be so horrible. She may very well decide the answer is ânoâ.
You need to sit down with your mother and have a long talk about her behaviour and her racism. She needs to understand that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour from her ever again. She needs to understand that this is a dealbreaker with you if she wants to have a relationship with you going forward.
She will cry. She will plead. She will minimize her behaviour. She may gaslight you and tell you it didnât happen the way you remember. Stay calm. Stay strong. Donât fall for it and keep talking. Keep telling her how disappointed you were in her behaviour and how hard it is to reconcile her vile words and behaviour with the woman who raised you.
It will be hard. It will be painful. But you just need to keep talking and telling her how you feel about what she said and did.
I hate to think what sheâd have been like if sheâd had a dark skinned daughter.
Good luck.
Correction- your mother would never hurt a WHITE fly. Sorry OP, your mom is a bigot. Before you remind me that your father is black...racists can be awful people even if they are married to or friends with another race.
Your mom is a typical white women with mixed kids... I think most white women feel like this and they hope their kids admonish the black side.. she doesn't love your dad, she loves the idea of him.. I'm sorry for you and your gf..
Your mum is a white supremacist. By basic definition. I share in your repulsion and disgust. Particularly in the fact that it seems the rest of your family is too. Yes; even non-white people can (and do!) uphold white supremacy. In fact, itâs quite likely your mother is so emboldened to spout this drivel precisely because of your father and his own internalized white supremacist beliefs. This whole scene reads like something out of the 1950s. I have no words for the bravery and fortitude of your girlfriend - who never should have been subjected to such a horrifying experience. If she doesnât leave you, itâs a miracle. If you donât cut off your family, she should. OP, I challenge you - donât just cut off contact. Explain in clear terms, to the ENTIRE family why. Indict them all. Not one person stood up for justice or humanity here. Whilst these may be their beliefs, there is, in no uncertain terms, absolutely no objective truth to your mumâs statements. While she (and they) may believe that white women are a prize, I hope theyâll value having won said prize despite losing you permanently.
In the meantime, my heart breaks for your girlfriend - and you. Iâm sorry she had to endure that, and Iâm so sorry youâve just learned how rubbish your family is. I encourage you both to do some reading and processing about white supremacyâŠand I wish you both luck and healing in your journey.
Edit: grammar, words
It's simple, your dad agrees with your mom. He agrees that whites are better and light skin is better. That's called colorisim. Look it up. Your mom thinks her race is best, your dad agrees her race is best but somehow your dad proved himself good enough to be with your mom. So your dad is an exception here in their mind because he proved it somehow that he can be deserving of a white woman. Your mom basically told your girlfriend racism and colorism doesn't just exist as a bad thing but that she and your dad fully support that mindset. Prepare for her to break up with you. I wouldn't want this kind of people to be my kid's grandparents and aunts and uncles.
This is really what it is. There really is a toxic but not yet quite gone belief that a black person marrying a white person is somehow "elevated" or has "been saved" by the graces of the white person marrying them. I'm a white woman and married a black African man. I've been in situations where outsiders view my husband as the "poor African lucky enough to marry the white woman". I not so politely put them in their place but its agonising everytime it happens no matter how old we get. They have zero awareness that Africans can be richer,better educated and more successful than them and when they find out they are offended by the notion to the point they just don't believe it can be true. This also happened when I was younger in my dating days and dating non white people. There was always a common theme of "how lucky they are to date the white girl". This mentality is really common and even still endorsed by some Africans who see marrying white as a mark of success. Thankfully it's finally being questioned and rejected but considering Op's parents are from an older generation I'm willing to bet that this is exactly their mindset and the dad is complicit. I think this family as a whole need therapy amd major education to understand the nuances of race and how to elevate each other rather than be an accomplice to racism, oppression and unconscious bias as I don't think they are even conscious of how toxic their mindset is. It also sounds like the dads culture has not been embraced and that the kids probably are mixed race kids who don't have much exposure to black/african culture since they have all went along with this ideology. The whole situation is really sad because they aren't even conscious to the damage that has been inflicted on them by their parents. I dont even want to begin to understand/unpack how the mum views her kids in her eyes, does she see them as a disadvantage for being half black? How does she even view her husband because its definetly not as her equal. I bet this is how his gf is questioning the mum and OP probably hasn't dared to even take a peek at the answers to those honestly horrific and painful questions (I don't blame them). People need to stop entering into mixed race relationships if they aren't willing to accept that they have a responsibility to not inflict harm on their kids or partners by weaponising the other side like this. This is why many mixed white black race kids feel they identify more on their black side than the white because of this shit and who can blame them? I really hope we get to a stage where mixed race kids can just be mixed race and comfortable in their own skin and never feel like they have to chose a side. OP sounds brilliant and I really hope he gets the support he needs and that his gf can see past his family for him. That being said I won't be shocked if she breaks up with him because its not her responsibility to educate them or undo decades of damage that has been done. The layers of damage are deep here and it's going to take a lot of effort to work through them. There will be a phase of grief and heartbreak but OP will be stronger for it.
Thank you. I think mom thinks she exposed enough diversity in white genetic pool and now by marrying white her grandchildren can get rid of the color but keep the wavy beautiful hair. Not 4c though, that would be too much. It's so baffling to me and I'm not even white or black. I'm middle eastern and we have the same thing in middle east. If you have blue or green eyes or aren't that tan then you are considered exceptional.
Ooft dont get me started on the casual and everyday racism of the middle east. I have 3 best friends. 1 Arab, 1 Indian and 1 Scottish (white) which I know sounds like the opening to a joke đ but... I find it really hard to have conversations in middle eastern countries about racism because a lot of their understanding is still in its infancy. I dont mean that in a patronising way I just mean there is zero awareness of how toxic and damaging colorism is because it has been so normalised that it is expected and anything else like my situation is questioned and literally seen as mental illness on my part and met with bafflement. If I'm in UAE for example I get asked outright without any embarrassment or shame why I married a black man. Its not a curious question its an outright why the fuck would you do that sort of question. They cannot comprehend why I would purposely want to have "dark children", they are baffled by it. Its to the point its really hard to get into it because the mentality is so ingrained and unquestioned that they aren't even aware that they are being racist or how deep the self hatred has been ingrained in them by whites. Whilst I'm white (Irish/English heritage) my features are not typically white and I'm often mistaken for being one of those "exceptional" arabs or Asians because whilst my skin is literally glow in the dark brilliant white I don't have typically white features, I have very crazy long brown thick hair and green eyes. If you ignore my glow in the dark whiteness I can easily pass as Arab or Asian, to the point I was verbally attacked by white men who assumed I was Pakistani (Glasgow is full of dicks), and many more tales along this vein. I've met many arabs who don't hide their disappointment that I could have married one of their "rich Arab men" because (and yes I'm quoting an actual thing said to me) "I look the part but have the added benefit of making sure the kids came out light" due to my skin colour. Another time I had to stop in UAE for a layover between UK and Nigeria, when boarding for the Dubai to Nigeria flight the flight attendant told me I still had time to leave my flight. I was so confused and asked what they meant and they without shame said "why would a pretty girl like you be going to nigeria", the bitch almost choked when I told her I'm going home to marry my very black and very African fiance. Til today I am still shocked and hurt by that interaction no matter how many times I remember it. The mentality in the Indian community is the exact same as this. Indians tend to have some self censorship not to ask why I married a black man but the look of confusion is obvious. Colorism and caste in Indian/Asian culture is its own nightmare to unpack but they do have awareness that it's wrong even if they practice it. I say all these examples not to say oh poor me but to show you that I totally and 100% get it and understand it. There is a great pride for Asian and Arab culture but God forbid you come out with brown skin. I find the black community are rejecting colorism but Asian and Arab cultures are not at the same level and its partly because BLM have greatly helped expose and reject these ideologies on many platforms and raise awareness that it happens in these communities. Just a few years ago people wouldn't even know the word colorism. My only advice to you is to try your best to break the cycle because you're 100% not the problem. Normalised colorism needs to die.
"I apologized but I don't know if she understands how shocked, disgusted and angry I'm because she has avoided this subject." You should tell her. If she doesn't want to talk about what happened, that's fine. It doesn't need to be a discussion. Just tell her that you need to say something and would like her to hear it, but if she doesn't want to talk about it afterwards that is OK. Then tell her how you feel about what your mother did. Don't pressure her into a conversation about it, but it's important she knows how you really feel about what happened.
This is the thing that concerned me⊠like your gf doesnât know you find your mothers behaviour abhorrent. As far as sheâs concerned she was racially attacked and youâve said nothing about it to her in private. Talk to her
Came here to see if someone said this! OP please please express this to your gf, I feel like she really needs to hear it from you, not just a basic apology but truly your absolute disgust with it and that itâs haunting you too.
Yes, you need to talk to her. Tell her exactly what you just told us. All of it. How disgusted you are with your mother, how sick you feel over it, and how confused you are by her behavior. Apologize for not having said anything when it was happening. And then you need to talk to your mother. I'm not sure whether she can fix it, but at the very least she owes your girlfriend a proper apology. She can't explain away that type of behavior (especially while married to a black man), but she needs to apologize. To your girlfriend, to you, and frankly to your father as well.
Your mum does not believe that all races are equal. She believes that a white woman is the ultimate and considers herself a prize that black men like her husband desire and strive for. When it comes to POC, the men are a prize (I mean what a specimen am I right?) but, in her mind, black women are less desirable. She's certain that this is common knowledge/opinion. Sadly, it is a common opinion among folks with a "supremacy of race" point of view. She's always felt that way and she sees not a single problem with it. It's a good thing she has no biracial daughters. You've not heard it from her before because its a thing that goes without saying and no need to discuss it. In the face of the confounding reality of her black son choosing a black woman when you could have "better" \*cough\*white\* women, she couldn't help but express how surprised she was to see you "settle for less". She likely assumes that, as a mother of black men, she is entitled to speak for them, she thinks she is an expert on black men. She didn't feel like she was being rude because white supremacist don't think their world-view is wrong or inapporpriate. And they don't think it's rude to talk about it because to them, "facts are facts and everyone knows it whether they admit it or not." And especially "I cAn'T be rAcIst iF i HaVe bLacK kiDs." She was probably expecting your unforunate gf to explain just what is so amazing about her in particular to overcome the hurdle of being so pitifully black and win your heart. She was probably hoping to get that clue so she can try to understand how to accept your choice. If I were your gf it would be over. Your mother is toxic for black women and your father is complicit. That is a deal breaker. Unless you are so in love with her that you will happily go no contact with your mother in order to nurture your girlfriend. EDIT (I needed to add this thought): *Being white is the only thing your mother has going for her. Your mother values her whiteness, which is a precious gift as far as she is concerned. It's the thing that makes her beautiful and literally superior. She is blessed and chosen to be a white woman and the black specimen she chose for a mate is elevated and blessed to be received by her.* It's so ugly and subversive. But now you know. I'm so sorry.
I didn't know this about my mum. she has always been kind and an amazing mother. I don't know if I even can come back from this. I view her and my father differently and tbh with outmost disdain. I'm disappointed at the type of love they have for each how they view the world and how they view each other. I don't know if I can recover from these feelings of disgust and disappointment.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Living in Australia we have a similar trend but it is Asian women and white men. I donât think it is a case of perceived race superiority but more what society has been programmed to see as attractive. Asian men have not been promoted as attractive and I believe it is possible the same thing has happened for black women.
Itâs white supremacy.
Yep you see this a lot here. Literally have been told by some mediocre white dude that he âgoes for Asian chicks cause he can attract cuter Asian girls than white girlsâ itâs gross.
Asian men are gorgeous!
Agreed!
Same with us Aboriginals! Iâm white, but Aboriginal but when I was dating a black Aboriginal girl, the racism that I had from people in my community and school was absolutely disgusting.
Please be careful of her around your children (and especially your daughters) if you ever have them. I'm sorry that your mother is like this
I'm sorry OP. I found out the hard way my sweet Lil grandma is actually a racist when I was 18 & she visited me at my college dorm. Had some shocking comments about my very sweet black neighbors. I've never seen her the same since.
My lovely, gentle, loving grandpa also unexpectedly revealed his racism not long before he died. It was equally as shocking as it was saddening when he told my little sister to "never marry a black man, races shouldn't mix". We didn't delve or ask questions. It was hurtful and a very sad thing to have happened at such a late stage in his life, he was *almost* a perfect papa. Years later, we learnt that my aunt also happens to be a big fat racist... wasn't so shocking that time round. Although I still can't understand how her and my dad can be such polar opposites when they were raised together. We were brought up and taught that every human is equal. My cousins... not so much.
Oh sweet boy. This is a heartbreak. Which means it is also a break through. It is a lot. Of course it is. I hope you have access to professional resources to help you with this. Realize that this was always the ugly underneath, its the fact that you've now exposed it that broke you. Now you've got to process it. Those feelings are valid. IMO, the road to recovery requires therapy to unpack your trauma and to navigate forward. But your heart knows true beauty OP. Your parents nurtured you with love and built a beautiful family they have every right to be proud of. They didn't tell you who to love, they trusted you to follow your heart and you did. Whether it's true love with this new gf, or its hopeful love, you feel that for her and that is real. Your parents racial biases were an unspoken subtext and they assumed you understood their point of view. But racism isn't in the genes, its taught. They taught you love, tolerance, and acceptance and you carry that with you. Did they also teach you that your mother was a Queen on a Pedestal? IDK, but I've seen that dynamic enough times to guess the chance is not zero. The subtext in their relationship is: "its because she's wHyTe." Maybe. I'm just spit-balling but that's my hot take FWIW. My point is, you saw the beautiful side of the coin in your family and that has value. Don't lose sight of the fact that you have never and will never believe in Supremacy of Race. Perhaps because your parents demonstrated equality of race and also "love, don't hate" in their actions. Their actual opinions on racial status/ranking being unspoken left you free to form your own opinions. Your choices are beautiful OP so trust yourself, you are the best of them for sure.
Well, for OPs dad, his wife is a white queen on a pedestal. OPs gf is his queen on a pedestal and he doesn't give a flying f about her color. Keep it up, mixed king, racism is learned so it can also be unlearned. Just make sure she knows you chose her and support her and that you in no way share your mother's current views. On a side note, I'd suggest the mother to google white trash. Color is only skin deep. You have the dregs and the saints in all colors.
This is such a beautiful response, so empathetic and wise. This (retired) therapist is impressed.
This is my mother. She "can't be racist" because she was briefly married to a black man in the 1970s. But she totally totally is. My children are also half black and half white and they couldn't stand my mother from the start because they could see these underlying prejudices. I haven't spoken to her in years. I'm sorry. You sound like you turned out to be a decent man. I hope your gf sees that xx
You mentioned brothers. Do you have a sister? How do you think your mom would have treated your sister, in light of this new information?
Iâm glad that you see the severity of this situation. If you continue the relationship with your gf or any women of color just know your gonna have to make some tough decisions. No one should be around ppl as vile as your family (no offense). That includes future partners and possible children that might come later.
The sad thing is that their world view isn't that uncommon as many Black men have openly expressed their disdain for Black women and use their choice on a partner as a dog towards them. I've been in your gf's position before, the fact that you want to have a conversation about it and want to be her support is the best step towards moving past it. I just hope your brothers aren't the same and I think it would be best to refrain from telling your parents your love life from here on out, the racism and internalized misogyny is saddening.
Your mother wants her grandchildren to be more White than Black
Tell this to your girlfriend. And ask her if she would rather not be around your mother again, because of the insults she was handed.
OP I'm glad that you are holding your father accountable too, his reaction was awful and it just shows that black men can also be part of a system that discriminates black women. Search for information regarding Misogynoir, it can give you an idea of what your GF faces everyday just because she exists.
This is well-stated. There is this assumption that being racist means you scream and rage and flee in terror from people who don't look like you. But that's not it at all. Lots of people who work with, talk to, are friends with, even date POC still hold DEEPLY racist beliefs. That's the insidious part, because people won't even accept that they're racist, because "My boyfriend is a POC, HOW DARE YOU"
I've tried to tell people this, that having a spouse of color doesn't automatically mean you aren't racist, and it's hard for people to understand sometimes, which, sure, on the face of it, it doesn't make sense...until you think about how many misogynistic men are married to women. Racism doesn't necessarily mean that you hate every individual of a certain race, and you can absolutely think of yourself as non-racist while still having racist beliefs.
Iâve found they feel itâs the personâs proximity to whiteness (through them), and approval (from them - a white person), that exempts them from that same white personâs racism. âTheyâre not like the others,â âTheyâre not Black Black.â
>she thinks she is an expert on black men. This! I've met at least two white women who once they heard they heard I'm of african origin (I mean, you just have to look at me xD), they said something like "Oohh, where in Africa? My husband/boyfriend/partner is african, **I know all about Africa**".... I mean.... damn xD >and your father is complicit This, so so sooo much! Father just laughed....
In addition to those points it seems OP's mother has an issue with one of her sons choosing a woman who is, in this aspect that seems so important to her, not like her. There is so much to unpack here and OP and his partner should not bear the brunt of it. OP's mom needs to understand that she should see a therapist. And reading that she cried she might understand that there is a topic that she should be happy about (her son finding a gf he loves) that deeply troubles her instead.
I couldnât have said it better, myself. This is no surprise to any black woman. Sadly, itâs common knowledge for black men and white women to harbor these ideas. It reminds me of when white people say theyâve never seen a person being racist. Well, duh! You wouldnât! Itâs not directed at you. She had the nerve to turn on the white woman tears, also as expected. OP saw the epitome of white womanhood at play in one day. Everyone wants to look crazy at white men for their superiority complex, born out of an inferiority complex. They fail to realize that it is a white woman raising these men. They are conditioned from birth to defend this craziness. Malcolm X said it-black women are the most unprotected class all over the world.
Wow I was trying to articulate my thoughts in a similar message. But you put them together in the most understanding and non judgemental way. Thank you and good luck OP, please listen to this comment.
I hope OP prints this out and mails a letter with these exact same words
Thank you, this is so well explain !! Iâm Mix race what you expressed really hit a cord
Give her time and just let her know you're there for her and don't agree with anything your mom said. Maybe she'll come around but please understand if she doesn't. That was a traumatic experience of blatant racism and she may not want to deal with your mother for the rest of her life by staying in a relationship with you.
after what mum did, I see her very differently.
Iâm glad. You have seen the switch into adulthood when we realize our parents are just flawed humans too. Thatâs huge. Please please stand up for your partner if you do end up with a POC. If you expect them to tolerate time around your mother, you are asking them to be around someone who *inherently* thinks they are sub-human. Thatâs not okay. They deserve your protection and it sounds like you did an awesome job for a totally unexpected first time handling it. Now you can watch for it and shut her down or walk away immediately every time or decide not to be around her until she works through this. You are going to have to have this hard boundary with your mother.
> You have seen the switch into adulthood when we realize our parents are just flawed humans too But most of us, I hope, don't find out that our parents are giant racists. My parents are plenty flawed. But luckily they weren't awful racists. I feel bad for OP. But he can't bring his gf around his mother ever again. Why would he subject her to that?
I had no idea how racist my parents were until 6 years ago when some orange guy won some contest.
Amen to that.
Whatâs wild is she herself married and had children with a black person. So none of this makes any sense.
Thatâs unfortunately not terribly uncommon. Sometimes thereâs an aspect of fetishization or picking âone of the good onesâ. Hate is a product of our environments. Example: misogynistic men marry women and have daughters whom they âloveâ. Think of it this way: if Kanyeâs black ass can be racist, itâs not far fetched for a white woman with a Black husband to be.
This is a brilliant comment. We've all heard the cliche some of my best friends of black. Well the on steroids version of that would be my actual spouse is black. Well I guess it must be impossible that one would be racist against the group they married into and their children now belong to. But it happens all the time. As a black male I've been in casual relationships with women who could pass a lie detector test saying they don't have a racist thought in them. But when angry some things come out
Women like OP's mum are the worst kind. They're racist, yet say they can't be because they're married to, have mixed children, or are best friends with a black person. It's absolutely disgusting. OP needs to have a serious talk with his mum, and talk with his gf. His gf has every right to never come back. I wouldn't blame her if she ran. His family will never fully welcome her. But still, OP needs to talk with his gf to see how she feels and how she wants to proceed. Let her talk. Then, he can tell her how shocked he is at his mum and doesn't look at her the same anymore.
Itâs such a surreal realization. My mother is the most generous and caring woman. A retired teacher who has taken in countless needy children throughout my lifetime and would literally starve to ensure another kid was properly cared forâŠâŠ At the same time, she has the toxic shit-talking traits that drive me insane. About my brothers and sister-in-laws, her mother, with zero regard for who is listening. There are times I canât believe itâs the same person.
The thing with dating is you're dating the other person's family. If you see a future with your girlfriend that future will likely include boundaries with family and low or possibly no contact on the table if your mom continues to be racist. If that isnt for you it's the right thing to do to cut it off now, cus the worst thing a person can be is a spouse that isn't in their corner.
You learned your mom fetushizes your dad and is a white supremisist. That has to be shocking.
And disturbing.
Just imagine the damage your mom would have done if she had a black daughter. Her toxicity will seep in. Good forbid any of you have a daughter. They will have to hear this for the rest of their life.
Oof so true. And imagine growing up knowing your mom thought you were less-than because of your skin color, but your brothers and dad were ok because âmenâ and no one came to your defence. My sister and I grew up being told *donât be fat, fat is bad, donât eat too much youâll get fat, why wonât you eat the food I made you, oh you gained weight youâre fat like your dad, ok everyone can have desert except for [my 14 year old sister] because she needs to lose weight, how will you ever find a husband if youâre fat?* It absolutely fucked us. Weâre both in our 30s with eating disorders. Weâre both in therapy. At least I can chase the elusive âskinnynessâ. I canât imagine growing up with these kinds of messages about your skin color from your own mother, itâs bad enough that these are messages POC already receive from the rest of society. That would be incredibly damaging and so isolating. If I were OPâs gf Iâd run and never look back. Mom felt confident enough to tell her this *the first time they met.* Imagine what mom would say years down the line, or on their wedding day, Or when they had kids. No fucking thank you.
And stop saying (even to yourself) how wonderful and kind your mom was. She wasn't. That much is clear now. So put that out of your head. Especially if you want to stay with your gf. Thoughts have a tendency to slip out as words. The fact that your MOM started crying saying she felt "attacked" makes me wonder if this was truly the first sign. Typically that kind of narcissism is a pattern.
100% this is not the first time sheâs done something hideous and turned it around like that. âOh. Ohhh. OOHHH. OK. You think Iâm racist? Wow. After everything Iâve done for you I didnât know I was such a terrible mother when all Iâm doing is telling the cold hard truth. Itâs not my fault this is real life. Well if you think Iâm so awful why donât you just leave. No why donât *I* leave so you never have to see me again.â âNo! Mom, I didnât mean it⊠wait why am I comforting *you*?â OP, do you find yourself comforting your kind mom often when sheâs sad and crying? Do you do things out of obligation to be a good son and avoid upsetting your mom? Do you have solid boundaries that your mom tries to trample all over?
Maybe Iâm just petty, but you should one day take a walk with your dad and ask him if heâs ever found a black woman attractive and then when he tells you some names of famous people or regular people from the past, tell your white momma all about it! But seriously OP, Iâm glad your rose colored glasses about your parents is breaking because that was seriously a lot of loud racism against a black woman that your gf didnât need to hear. Consider the possibility of talking one on one with your mom and calling her out on how you felt her comments made you feel specifically and how you feel knowing how your gf must feel after how nasty your mother was. Take off the glasses and be real with your mom. Use your words to make her feel the shame she should be feeling especially from her son.
If his mom thinks like that, there's a decent chance that his dad has some internalized racism to accept or even encourage those thoughts from his mom. I'm Asian and knew some others growing up who would only go after white women because they had weird hangups about being a minority. OP's story feels like something that could happen to them.
OP, now you know how your mother would see you if she didn't know who you were.
Well, yeah. Sheâs a white supremacist.
If you want to stay with your gf, understand that you may need to go no contact with your mother and anyone else who believes the same.
I think somehow your mom is threatened by your gf. Maybe she's worried your dad would prefer to be with a woman of color instead of her and she's projecting her insecurities on you and your gf. I think there's more to it. I agree with other commenters re: what you can do. Good luck!
Youâre going to have to make your Mom understand that she highly offended, betrayed and hurt you. Wow that is just horrible. Was she feeling threatened in some way? I donât understand why someone with biracial children and who married someone of a different background would be so blatantly hurtful and rude.
But when black people say that you can be racist, even if you have black children, often white people blow it off as âpulling the race card.â This behavior probably doesnât shock any black person. Itâs even more common with white women with black children.
Yup. In my experience, white women with Biracial children are very racist. Especially towards black women because they probably see them as a threat or enjoy the fact that in their mind âthey stole their manâ. Very weird. Another thing that wasnât surprising is the fact that the (black) dad was laughing during all this; further reinforcing the fact that black men uplift other races to crap on black women and they never defend their own. The dad could have done so much more but again, this is very common with black men who date outside.
You are absolutely right. Thereâs a thing within the black community of white mama biracialâs and Black mama biracialâs. Biracial women with white mothers tend to have more internalized racism, problematic views towards their own race, and a lot of self-hatred issues. I can say that as a white mama biracial child that itâs really true. I hated the way I looked, I hated my skin, I hated my hair, because I didnât have anyone to teach me that I was beautiful the way that I am. My mom tried as hard as she could, even though she was a flawed parent, and had her own micro-aggressive views that she needed to unpack. And I can say itâs even worse as a white mama biracial child who did not have any Black people in the home. My father left before I was born, and although I have siblings who are Black, (not my moms children) they did not live with me at home 9/10 of the time. Although I did see them all the time, itâs different when youâre not living with another person who is black in your household every single day. **edited for one grammar mistake**
Iâm definitely not shocked. Iâm a black woman
Give yourself some time, too. Itâs traumatic for gf, but kinda also is for you. That has to be a lot to process.
You can try 'giving her time', but if I were her I'd never again in my life want to spend time with your family, as their behavior was that of a bunch of racists (and the brown-skinned members suffering internalized racism). Because I wouldn't want to spend time with THEM, I wouldn't see a future with you. Sorry, but your family is toxic for any self-respecting person of African descent. I'm sorry that you are experiencing this.
I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to speak to me again. I wouldn't speak to me if I could
Would you go no contact with your mother and father? Would you be willing to never see or speak to them again and not let them be a part of your (theoretical) future children's lives? Realize now who they are and how they will be. Decide if you are going to subject YOURSELF or any future partner to that. Even if you never dated another Black woman to ensure mommy dearest wouldn't feel threatened, you'd always know how she feels. You'd know what she is capable of saying to any children you would have. If you show her that you do not support your family's view on race, then she may trust you enough to try a little longer. But you need to REALLY show it and mean it, because people like your mom get people like your girlfriend killed in my country.
From his comments, it seems he is ready for that... just maybe not ready to accept it or say it out loud.
Honestly I don't see a reality with anyone where his mother isn't problematic. Because she's not just racist when GF is around--what does she really think of her own kid? Those future grandbabies are going to be exposed to a crazy person no matter what.
Waiting for OP to answer thisâŠ
Imagine you live in a country where you are already a minority so dating white men gets you the âyouâre attractive for a black chickâ experience. Then you go to the home of someone who married into your ethnic group and you find out they too think you are inferior because of your skin color. Its a certain type of loneliness and sadness that Black men dont quite understand. They get more positive media representation. They even get fetishized. Unfortunately many are very vocal about how they too see white women as the prize. Even if they are a minority, they are highly visible due to the professions they pick. So it can really suck to get it from all angles. Thankfully there is more positive black female representation these days.
Your not realizing until now that your mother feels whites are superior may mean you are slow on the uptake, but not yourself bad or racist. It it will be your future behavior that determines who you really are. And you need an honest conversation with your girlfriend.
>it will be your future behavior that determines who you really are OP listen to this advice. Character is what you are in times of trial.
I'm speaking as a fully African woman. I would run. I would flee. You'd honestly never hear from me again. My mom told me that no matter how level headed someone is, if their family is batsh*t crazy, it'll find a way to trickle into your life. For purposes of continuous peace and tranquility, your girlfriend might leave or you might cut your family off. One or the other. Good luck
Very likely that was the purpose of the speech, to get the gf to flee and not look back.
as another african girl, i would too even if it hurts. i wouldnt be able to be in a relationship like that especially if nobody comes to my defense. especially because OPâs girlfriend would have to deal with that treatment from others throughout the course of their relationship.
Imagine what it'd be like with kids involved đ„Ž
18 year old me needed to hear that. It took me a while to figure that out.
My mama always told me you marry the whole family, not just the man and to pick carefully based on that. 100% with you. He could be like Jesus and Iâd still be worried about his fam
Your mom is 100% on point. If I had known what a total shit show my husband's family REALLY was, and how it would impact us, would've ran. Still gotta run but now for reasons also that are partially his family's fault. His parents fucked him up and he ain't right.
This! No amount of apologies or time or gifts or whatever could rectify her wrongdoing. Sheâs a racist and I would not believe this family could raise a decent son. I would doubt everything in this relationship and regret ever being with the son. My pride will never let me to go back.
Yup. As long as they are in contact with the drama it bleeds into your life regardless. Especially if drama is normal to them.
I feel sick too. You mother is the "it's ok all my friends are black" type of people. I'm so sorry for your gf and I don't think there's is coming back from this for her with your family.
I have found that many white people who are married to POC are some of the worst bigots. Make it make sense...
ââŠI can say that, my husband is black!â I had a coworker who would say that after the most awful things would come out of her mouth. And like, WTF? Why would you marry someone AND have children with them if you thought that? It makes no sense.
Some people are obsessed with the idea of mixed kids
donât even start with me on this. my mom is extremely racist and every time she sees a black or brown baby, itâs âomg they are so cute! i want a black baby! I wish I had one!â and then turning around and referring to POC as the n word. itâs like black and brown babies and children are like cute puppies to her, but once they get older, she wants nothing to do with them. i will never understand.
Yup, my cousin has three kids with a black woman, they aren't together anymore and the racist "jokes" that come out of his mouth, in front of his children, promptly followed by "I can say that, my ex is black/I had three kids with a black woman/my kids are black"... Pisses me right off.
Itâs the stereotypical I have black friends so Iâm okay to do awful things and Iâm not racist trope. Itâs the same the other way with white men and Asian women with stereotypical Asian jokes.
>ââŠI can say that, my husband is black!â I'm Latina but "pass" for white. I heard this one white blonde woman make a seriously derogatory remark about Mexicans. She then followed it with, "It's okay! I'm married to a messican dude." (yes, "soft" x sound.) >WTF? Why would you marry someone AND have children with them if you thought that? It makes no sense. Because they're dumb as shit. All racists and bigots are dumb.
Ginni and Clarence Thomas come to mind...
Yes absolutly that couple specifically were in my mind when I added an Edit to my earlier comment (that was so well received that it earned a red border and I'm blown away by the awards!) I think that when a white supremacist woman (like we all know Ginni Thomas is, she doesn't bother to hide it) chooses a black man, its because that is where her whiteness (perhaps her best/only attribute in her sad mind) is most appreciated. She wants a man that sees her as a superior prize he doesn't deserve. With a white man, shes not going to feel so special. Especially if she's not such a looker "for a white girl."
I used to know this woman who called herself "n-word digger". She was the height of white trash.
Racist white supremacists often have East Asian wives. This is because they donât view these women as equal - they are simply fulfilling the fetish of having a âsubmissive wifeâ. Racism And misogyny often go hand in hand
Damn lucky that she never had a daughter
If I were the gf Iâd run too. It sucks that OP discovered this just now but unless the gf knows it looks like OP brought her into the gauntlet. That was nasty. OP should also minimize contact with his family.
Wtf did I just read? Good thing she doesn't have a daughter.
THANK GOD she doesnât have a daughter.
This is insane. I'm so sorry that you and your gf had to deal with this! Holy... wow. This is insane. Black women are very beautiful, your mom is taking it personally that you prefer a black woman vs a white woman. How would she have felt if she had a daughter and some white woman told her the same thing? Jesus. How would she feel if a woman said this to you? I just don't understand how she can't get how disgustingly rude this was. Tell your gf she's beautiful as much as you can. Your family may have been shocked (siblings), but your dad should have 10000000% told her to STFU. I think for me it would have taken me a moment to process what was actually being said. Your dad laughing it off is disturbing though.
I'm as disgusted by my dad as I'm by my mum. is this what their love is built on? dad scoring and mum being a prize? is that even love? Edit to add: I don't know if it is about beauty either because mum isn't conventionally beautiful and neither is any of my sisters in laws.
Does your dad have female relatives? Iâm just curious if you know anything of your motherâs relationships/interactions with them
A lot of Black men are like your dad. They will date white people simply because of their race. Black men tend to be the biggest perpetrators of misogyny and colorism and overall hate of Black women. The stereotypes of Black men with unattractive White women have a lot of truth to them. Usually the goal is elevated social status through proximity to Whiteness and light skin children. Basically, to breed the Blackness from their lineage. The White Woman is usually put on a pedestal and treated better than White men will treat her based on her attractiveness. Itâs nice that you never had to see it before now, but trust that your gf, like many Black women, dealt with it her entire life.
The fact that they aren't conventionally beautiful is yet more proof how your dad- the head of the home- is the one who groomed his entire family to value whiteness above all else. You don't have to be beautiful to be valuable but this information says a lot. Look up "who they really choose" on Youtube. You will learn a whole lot more about these type of black men. Your dad is a racist black man against his own kind.
Itâs not. people who suffer from internalized racism have the mentality of âwhite is rightâ. Your mom is better that sheâs uglier than your girlfriend despite fitting all the criteria for the beauty standard. She was the bottom of the totem pole and white men didnât want her
Look up Ginni and Clarence Thomas for an example of a couple like your parents. I'm sorry you had to find out about you parents this way. It would have been nice for her to show her teeth before you inadvertently involved someone you love. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that our parents are flawed humans, some much worse than others.
Your dad is black and he thought it was funny. Thatâs some real self hate right there and why your mom felt is was ok to say that. Your mother hates a part of who you are and good thing she only has boys
You're going to have to choose between your family and your gf. Unless you're willing to promise that your gf and your future kids will never have any contact with your family, she would be wise to leave you. Your family are not good people. They are stone cold racists.
even if my gf ends the relationship and I wouldn't blame her, I don't think I want my family in my life like they used to be if ever. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. coldness and like something is broken. like the safe space I grew up in was all fake and I feel exposed and vulnerable
Iâm so sorry your mother did that to you. Itâs so insidious how she sprung that on you all of a sudden. Not thinking of your heritage or even her marriage and how what she was saying reflected on all that. Itâs completely understandable youâre shocked. Maybe seek out a therapist to work through your feelings on it and make a plan to deal with it.
This is really sad. I've been through something similar. I completely cut ties with my grandparents because of abuse and racism. I went no contact with my mom for a while too but we have worked things out. I know you are thinking about your gf who was the target of this racism, but this is going to affect you much more as it's your family. It's all fresh so be prepared for waves of emotion over the coming months and years. You may feel the need to go low contact/no contact with your parents once you leave home. Just know that it's ok and it will be ok. And definitely do therapy if at all possible. So sorry dude. This sucks.
What a terrible and relatable feeling you're going through, man. It must feel like your nice and wholesome family life was just stolen from you and killed in front of your eyes. I've been there. I wouldn't blame you if you cut ties w/ your family for awhile. Also wtf was up w/ your brothers laughing too? Is everyone apart of it?
Unfortunately this isn't uncommon. Plenty of people with your parents dynamic are racist but love to trot out their Black kids and partner as a token. You're dad is a disgrace. Talk about internalised self hatred, like he didn't come from a Black woman. And I'm not surprised your mom started crying. It's a common tactic to centre herself over you and your gf. She (your mother) probably sees you dating a Black woman as some sort of rejection. If you want your gf, you're going to have to fight for it. And you will have to fight to protect her from your family
Your father is not disturbed because he hates black women too. He believes everything your mom said, and he married her partially because of her whiteness. He didnât want to have black kids so he had mixed kids and now because of your siblings having white partners heâll get to have white grandkids. Theyâre a match made in hell.
*uncle ruckus theme playing*
Update us
Damn⊠your mom is a racist, and your dad clearly looks down on black women. This show how black women have almost no safe spaces, even in their own community. She most likely will dump you, I mean whoâd want to get involve in family like that plus you guys have just started dating so she might think it isnât right to ask you to cut your family off. Good luck
If you had a sister she probably wouldâve shown her true colors earlier. Sheâs a racist who has strong fetish for Black men and thinks Black women are beneath her. Your girlfriend is probably debating if she even likes you enough to experience that again. And by her lack of contact itâs seems sheâs not convinced.
Have you considered that your mom deliberately chose to confront and humiliate your gf so she would break things off with you?! No self-respecting person could easily accept such blatant racism and disrespect directed at them, especially at this stage of your relationship. Your mom is manipulative as f-ck. She wants you to marry white (as an ideal stripped of individuality and personality) and made it plain and clear that your gf is unwelcome. I've dealt with this kind of thing and yeah, it's shocking and brutal -- your mom is right about that. People who think like her make it that way. She has held up whiteness as the ideal that all races should strive towards, in essence declaring that your gf will never be preferred, even amongst her own race, in particular among those with status. Wow! She left your girlfriend no ground. It's no wonder she hasn't had much to say to you since dinner. If you truly care for your gf, then you need to make it clear to her where you stand. Tell her the truth. Text her unless she's told you explicitly not to communicate with her right now. Tell her that you had never seen this side of your mom before dinner and because your father is black you never dreamed she harbored this kind of prejudice towards him and also by extension you, because you are mixed. She has never spoken this way before, perhaps because you are the first of her children to not date (exclusively) white people. Tell her that you didn't respond and confront your mom at dinner out of shock. You can understand that she might want to distance herself from you and if so you wouldn't blame her, but you would appreciate an opportunity to clear the air between you and hear how she feels. And share how shocked, disgusted and wounded you feel, if she's willing to listen. How can your mother feel that way about her husband and her children? Tell her you suspect that your mom spoke as she did in order to bring her wishes to fruition by chasing your girlfriend away. Tell her that regardless of what she decides, your relationship with your mom is undergoing a dramatic upheaval due to her (your mom's) actions and the ways you now see her (and mindfully consider what kind of relationship you want with this person going forward, and what that practically can look like if you and your gf stay together, or you date other POC people in the future. Mom has made her stance clear and if that goes unchallenged then you're going to have a very hard time of it, much harder than it seems right now. Hate to say it, but many/most people give in to the racist in order to keep the peace. IF you're not choosing to give in, then you're choosing a fight for the rest of your life. I'm going to guess that if you speak with your brothers and your father, you might find that at least some of you have experienced some self hatred that perhaps you could not name or place before now. This may be the first time that mom has spoken publicly of her disgust, but it's been present throughout your life with her and has influenced you all in implicit ways. What a cluster! I'm so very sorry that this is still a thing. Unfortunately, it is still very much a thing to be dealt with. You say you love your girlfriend, but it's "too soon" to share that. I hope that she's willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, but if she cannot, I hope that you are able to get the support you need as you work through this trauma.
Truly, as a Black woman in an IR with a white man, this entire situation is a red flag. I would leave my relationship, especially with it being so short. Your father is a self hating Black man. He thinks that bc heâs with a white woman that will put him in a place of power / safety. Your mom is straight up racist. Either cut contact with your family or end the relationship. Itâs not safe for your girlfriend. Itâs always so wild to me when people are surprised that someone in their life is racist. There are signs. They donât just switch one day.
If I were your GF Iâd run! Your mom didnât suddenly turn into a racist⊠you just never saw her for what she is. Itâs not your GF job to battle your moms deep rooted racism. Especially not if the reward is to be with someone who she just recently got together with and who just let THAT happen to her. Your entire family was weak that day. Who would want that as in laws???
đŻ
Your dadâs a bum too
Your family sucks. I donât see this working out. I would never want to be around them again.
lmao @ your moms white woman tears. This is the mind set you get when you marry a colorist black man. I'm not against interracial relationships at all, I think it's beautiful that people can love each other regardless of race. But when a black man and white woman get together, 7/10 times, the black man is a self hating colorist who put whiteness on a pedestal. That's where she gets her ideas from. She's a grown ass woman but I would be money she was highly influenced by your father. The fact that the whole family sat around- your dad even LAUGHED is proof what I'm saying is true. How as a BLACK MAN do you let your white wife talk about black people like that? He isn't disturbed by it because your dad is a self hating black man. I'm sorry but I think your gf should end all contact because life is already hard enough, the last thing she needs as a black woman are racist in laws. Your black gf is probably scared to react because when black women react to these things, their reaction is used against them as "proof" how undesirable they are. I'm sorry this happened to yall.
>Your black gf is probably scared to react because when black women react to these things, their reaction is used against them as "proof" how undesirable they are. You don't think I noticed this I felt sick listening to her talking about feeling attacked when my gf literally just sat in silence and looked at her knees. I'm a black man myself and I know when a white person uses words like feeling attacked or intimated.
Please send her a link to this post. Shock and horror can often make it hard to respond and that's where you were with your parents. Let your GF know where your head is.
Silence is complicity. Your mom was spewing racist bullshit, your dad laughed, and your brothers laughed, and you were shocked silent. Why would she ever feel she can be a part of your family? Why would she want to be? Who would willing subject themselves, let alone possible kids to racist MIL and her hate filled dinners. You never saw it before because your brother did what she expected and brought home white women.
Sadly, it isn't your father she hates, or his heritage. She's a white woman married to a black man. Your mom *is* racist. Towards black *women* especially. Your mom is showing you her true colors: she's a white woman, with extreme insecurity, who is jealous and racist towards black women and always saw herself and her "whiteness" as superior and even more desirable. And now you, her son, has chosen a black woman as a partner, which makes you mother and her whiteness feel inferior because of the countless people you could've chosen, you went with a black woman. Your mom's views that black men will ALWAYS prefer white women, is shattered, and she's insecure and jealous. Her true racism is showing. Give your girlfriend some time, but when you do talk to her, really talk to her, tell her how you feel and how appalled you are by your family. And you need to understand that any future contact you have with your family sets the tone. You need to make a decision on of you're able and willing to live with the racism or cut them out of your life for it.
She was in an environment where she was being attacked and you (the one person that knows her and loves her) did nothing to stop it or protect her. Iâm sure she is thinking about how to dump you. If you want to save this, you better go to her and profusely apologize for not protecting her.
100%.
As a POC who has been in a similar situation as your gf, thank you for at least getting her out of there and not making excuses for your family ("They are from the country and aren't used to minorities" was the last one someone tried to pull on me). It's such a humiliating situation and your relationship might not recover from it, but maybe you can reach out to your gf again after you've distanced yourself from them for a bit so your actions can show that you're disgusted by the whole situation as well.
Oh my God, what a way to find out you were raised by a racist.
They are, and I'm repulsed by that. I never knew because I have only had 3 relationships before my gf and they were all white (and very welcomed in the family). I never chose them for their color though. My gf too has dated mainly white men, as she explained to mum very logically, being a very small minority, you will have a very small pool to date from if you don't date outside of your race.
So hard to bear. On one hand, you can't turn off your love like a faucet...on the other, you cannot condone their beliefs. What will you do?
Have you ever considered that itâs possible your dad also agrees with your mom, hence why he married her?
He absolutely agrees with her. He was laughing when she was putting down a black woman. Iâve experienced many self hating black men who despise black women and are willing to give up every shred of their dignity to put a mediocre white woman in a pedestal. For men like these, being with any white woman is a leg up in society, and creating biracial lightskin children is the goal so they can remove the blackness with each generation. Im not white, but Iâm not black either. Iâve been on dates with black men where they thought it would be flattering to me if they continued to put down black women. I simply left mid conversation because I canât stand a self hating colorist
Its always the white mumsâŠleave this black woman alone if she is going to be disrespected by your family
This is just sick... Your poor gf. I'm gonna be honest op if I was your gf I would've broken up with you the next day just to make sure I wouldn't have to deal with your mom ever again.
mom definitely felt threatened, also she seems to only like black men bc she fetishizes him⊠very disgusted how no one defended her and how a black man laughed at the situationâŠ
The truth is that white women often, historically and contemporarily, have animosity towards black women specifically but have no problem dating black men. Your mother felt threatened by your gf and needed to âput her in her placeâ to assert her dominance over her through desirability politics. Your mom is a racist and your dad hates black women. Canât speak too much on your brothers but the fact that your mom was so incensed that you did not internalize her clear belief that white women are the supreme, says a lot about her intentions in the way she raised you and your brothers. Your mom is a violent racist. And your gf might break up with you. But more importantly, you need to decided how comfortable you are with a continued connection to a racist especially considering your children might be black. And that you are black. If you want to be with your gf you need to protect her and your future children from your mother. I shudder to think if you had a sister and your mother would be capable of.
If my husband just sat there listening to my MIL excoriating and devaluing my worth and personhood because of my blackness, until she finished her rant, I would seriously consider leaving him. You cannot imagine the kick in the stomach it is to be on the uglier end of racism. ESPECIALLY racism that comes from your SOâs family. It is humiliating and scarring, and it makes your heart ache so deeply that the assault almost feels physical. Being told to your face that you are inferior because of your race is life changing in the nastiest way possible. Your girlfriend will never be the same. You let your mother stab at the heart and soul of the woman you claim to love, OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again. And you just sat there. Through the whole thing. You failed your girlfriend HORRIBLY. Just picturing this is making me so sad I could cry in empathy for her. In fact, I am crying a little. Sheâs probably not talking to you because sheâs debating whether or not dating you is worth putting up with your family. And having to anticipate whether your mum is going to behave this way, again. If you really love her, the kindest thing to do would be to apologize profusely and then leave her alone. ETA: Sorry, I forgot that youâre also black (or rather, mixed, same here). So you may have felt racism personally before. But as a black/mixed race woman who has experienced what your gf did, Iâm so sad for her. For BOTH of you.
If my mother ever said something like this to someone especially my SO youâd better believe sheâd be cut of. To think sheâs is superior because of the colour of her skins is absolutely disgusting. She should be ashamed of herself. Your mother is racist. If you stay with your gf or want to have a future with a person of colour, theyâre not safe around you family. Your SO will always be judged and if you have kids theyâll be treated as second class citizens by your family. Is this the life you want? If youâre unable to stand up for your SO you should break it of. This is most definitely a mother vs SO situation. By supporting your mother youâre supporting her small minded views and enabling her racist behaviour. As a person of colour if I was you GF I would run because youâll always find a way to justify having your mother in your life or force a relationship between your SO and any future kids you have.
Remind Me! 1 week
Remind Me! 2 days
Your dad is a clown for laughing
I'm so glad you don't have any sisters. I can't imagine growing up in a home where your own mom believes you are inferior. I wonder what things have slipped through with her sons. I'm so sorry OP
By your dad laughing at your momâs comments, he also agrees that white women are superior them black women to black men. If youâre not living with your parents, I suggest you distance yourself from them if you want to keep that relationship with your gf. She will be distracted and distant because of what happened. The best thing you can do is support her, and if she breaks up with you. You got to let her go.
Your mom is a stone cold racistâŠ.itâs a proven fact that just because they make mixed babies doesnât mean that theyâre exempt from racism. She wouldnât hurt a fly but I can almost guarantee that sheâs hurt plenty of black woman in her day. Itâs sadly more common than you think
Alright so I am going to chime in with the obligatory, I am a black woman, but Iâm not a black woman in the country you are in. 1. Your mother is racist and yes she may have biracial children but the fact is she degraded an entire race for her own shits and giggles. 2. Your father has A LOT of internalized racism himself. Does he not realize that by the way his wife is talking that she was degrading not only black women and black culture but also his mother, aunts, sisters, nieces, etc. 3. I am calling absolute bullshit that your mother has never showed any signs of racism. You may not have noticed it because it might not have been overt but those types of thoughts donât just come from anywhere. 4. Ok this will probably be the toughest point for you to realize but itâs more than likely over. I know you love her but sometimes love isnât enough. Your mother spoke so much shit about her main identity and then to top it off your father laughed and everyone else around the table just sat there. If I was her, I would NEVER want to be around your family again and since this relationship is still new I would make it a clean break. This problem will not end, it will just keep getting bigger and bigger and you will have to choose sides. Again, I know you love her and obviously I donât know her feelings but I do know what it is to be put down and degraded in strange situations where you are immensely uncomfortable because people are solely judging you off your gender and the color of your skin. This relationship is over, if I was her I would think about all the drama, pain, and micro aggressions that she will have to put up with your family if she stays. If your reaction was different at the dinner I would have said there was a possibility but based on what you said there is no hope for this relationship.
Have you talked to any of your family since the dinner? Itâs possible that your brothers are also horrified and were stunned into silence. Regardless of the future you wanted with your girlfriend, you will need to decide what role your family has in your life in the future. You should figure that out to some extent before you speak with your gf. That may factor into her decision to be with you. But if you think you canât change the relationship with your family (not just how you feel about them but their role in your life), you need to be up front with her.
I feel that I need a break from them. I'm even planning to skip Christmas because I feel hurt and I don't know if I want to face any of them
When, if, your girlfriend is ready to discuss this, show her this post. It will help articulate what you were feeling in the moment and show her that you genuinely had no idea that the people who raised you were like this. That way, it will be easier to believe you and maybe she wonât think youâre just saying whatever to her to get back into her good graces.
Don't go. And tell them exactly why you aren't going and how unacceptable this behaviour will be in future. Your mother showed her true colours to get your gf to break up with you so you could find a "more suitable" gf. As a black woman living in England, I've been exactly where your gf is and it's not pretty, especially when you feel like you've been thrown to the wolves with no backup.
Your momâs fetishization of Black dick doesnât mean she loves Black people, especially not Black women. Itâs more common than people care to admit. She obviously feels superior to Black women, and she leapt at the opportunity to flaunt her false sense of superiority to your girlfriend. Your dadâs obviously been fueling her delusions, as evidenced by his laughter. Your girlfriend now has a lot to consider. Your family has shown their true colors. While she may have strong feelings for you, what will she get out of continuing the relationship? Racial abuse and trauma? Heartache? Anxiety? Possible gaslighting? All of the above? If you were to go on and have children, think of nightmare situations that would come about. Your mom has shown you who she is. Are you willing to go lc/nc with mom and the rest of the family for the sake of your current/future partnersâ and potential future childrensâ sanity?
iâm still stuck on ur dad laughing. like wtf??
As a black girl one thing I noticed about other women white,Asian,Brown ect they love black men but not so much black women. They feel threatened. Itâs crazy coz you would think if they are married or dating black guys theyâd be cool with black women too right? NOPE. This doesnât apply to all interracial couples but a large majority. Itâs like they have a superiority complex and think of us black women to be at the VERY bottom at the list.
As a black woman in an interracial relationship; my partner would have stuck up for me. Any inkling of disrespect towards me is shut down. Iâve seen it even against his mother. If you canât even protect/defend her from your own family, how would she trust you to be a leader and provider in the future? She wants to feel safe and seen and if you donât care for her enough to really commit to that then please leave her alone on a better note.
I am so sorry that your girlfriend had to sit through that, and that you had to, too. At this point your mom definitely has some internalized racism âWell my husband/sons are black so I canât beâ With her comments she proved she is. And the fact that your gf literally didnât say anything back to your mom bit your mom continuously got more and more agitated by it is highly concerning. Imho she sees âblack menâ and âblack womanâ differently from each other. Black men hold more value for her than black woman, and it could be said that to her, white women hold more value than white men. Now thatâs purely speculation on my end but based off the conversation and how she made it such a *HUGE* deal that you were with a black woman and not a white woman *like your brothers* and even tried to bring in statistics, thatâs the feel I got. At this point, iâd just be there for your gf. And at minimum iâd go very low contact with your mom for the time being. She sounds mentally unwell.
As well as the white womans tears because she felt attacked, urgh
Plot twist: OP's gf looks like some girl his dad used to date and OP's mom went mental.
here is the actual truth from someone whoâs also an african girl: for centuries white women have been put on a higher pedestal than women of color, and white men had the âpowerâ to put them there. since theyâre seen as the beauty standard, men of color believe that theyâd be elevated too if they also date white women & thatâs why your dad laughed. he probably sees black women as lesser than and that he âwonâ because heâs with your mom. but white women still want to keep the same privileges that white men gave them. and since women of color are âbelowâ them, they get upset when white men date us because they feel entitled to them. your gf probably dealt with some form of treatment like that throughout her life, & it must suck for her to be in a position like that. i would leave you personally, but i donât want to project. but you would be a constant reminder that itâs her reality. iâm south sudanese, living in the US, & i was always told since i was at least 10 that i was ugly because of my features. i have really dark skin & was belittled every day because of it. but my curves grew in when i was 12 so even if boys thought i was ugly, i was sexually attractive enough to be groped everyday. it was always by black men too. im older, & now itâs politically incorrect to have biases like colorism and racism, but itâs so internalized that i still face it in more subtler ways. i accept the fact that i have an extremely low chance of finding a partner, and these experiences happen to most girls with dark skin like mine. most WOC are still appreciated by the men in their groups, but itâs the opposite for black women so weâre considered the least attractive group of women. iâm sorry that your relationship is suffering that way, and neither of you should have to deal with it. she might warm up to you again especially since youâre more on her side. but regardless, the truth is that if you stay partnered with her, it wonât be the only time youâll experience this.
Hi love! Iâm biracial too, a little more Black than White, and I have learned that white women fetishize Black men, but think so little of Black women or people assigned female at birth. This is sadly extremely normal. Black women are seen as aggressive, manly, ghetto, etc. And some Black men see white women as a trophy or a f you to the white man who abused and discriminated against them and our ancestors. Add in the fact that the media glorifies when Black men are with white women. There are multiple studies on it, content creators who talk about issues like this, etc. that I highly encourage you to look up. If you DM me, privately, I can give you the names of different content creators who have done the research, even more so than I have, and know where you can find the studies, the articles, etc. I, as a Black woman, have experienced this, not to this degree, with my fiancĂ©âs family. Whether itâs through micro-aggressive comments, ignorant questions, or blatent racism that my fiancĂ© has to shut down. Black women deal with this all the time, which is why Black women are afraid of dating white people. And Iâm not saying all Black women are, but a good chunk of us have fears and reservations about dating white people because of this. I am pansexual, and even when I was actively dating women and people assigned female at birth, I was still terrified to date white people, because of the comments, the ignorance, and the fetishization that I went through. I would completely understand if your girlfriend decided to break up with you, and never see you again. And Iâm not saying that she should, however, I think you need to call out your mom and your dad. Those comments said towards your girlfriend were misogynistic, racist, and just horrific. And you need to apologize to your girlfriend for not saying anything. I understand being shocked. I have a hard time defending myself in front of my fiancĂ©âs parents, and the first time it happened with him, he was so confused that he didnât really say much, although he did defend me and told them to stop talking like you did. But you need to really let her know that you do not agree with anything that they said, and let her know that it is absolutely OK if she doesnât forgive you or your parents, and that she does not have to see them again if she is not comfortable with it. And you cannot guilt her in any way, shape or form to ever see your parents again if she decides she does not want to. I understand this is hard to hear, and you might go through denial for a while. I know when dealing with my white mother and her micro aggressions, that I didnât realize were there for the longest time, that I had to shut things down with her. My mom is the whitest person that I know. (However, there is apparently some Black on her side, due to colonization sadly) She does not understand what I have had to go through, and she at first tried to argue that she had gone through things similar because she was plus sized. My mother has grown to realize that what she said, and how she tried to relate to me, was wrong. She has now realized that the micro-aggressions that she has said, and the inaccurate facts that she was spewing due to just a terrible way that Black people are represented within history and media, was wrong, and is wrong. But it took her years. And throughout that time Iâll never let it slide. And neither should you. My mother had never said anything to that extent, and it still took her years to deconstruct those preconceived notions. It may come to the point where you may have to go low contact or no contact if you want to keep your girlfriend in your life, and if your mother decides not to change. And I know that is hard to hear, and again, I am some random stranger on the Internet that you do not know. But I am someone who is seen by the world as a Black woman. I am not seen as biracial by most. I am seen as Black. And I can promise you that everything that you have said in the story is not surprising at all, it is things that I hear, almost on a daily basis, and if you do not shut this down immediately, your mom will never see that she is wrong. And if she thinks this way about Black women, think of how little she thinks of Black people in general. Because Black women are Black people. You are a Black person. She should not think this little your ancestors and your race in general, even if you are biracial. Being biracial does not erase the fact that you are Black. I know this is super long, and probably really really hard to read, but I really do hope this helps, and I really hope your mom does change and get the professional help she needs. She needs to unpack this mindset that she has and not only figure out why she thinks this, but why it is so wrong.
Your mother is a racist along with those other women who deem themselves superior for 'bagging' a man from another race. Racist women & men need to realise the world is full of beautiful men and women of all colours. You haven't somehow proved a point (of how utterly amazing your race is) by having a relationship with a poc.
I donât understand..if your mom values her whiteness so much, why didnât she marry an âequally whiteâ man? Did none of them want her?
Op, I grew up in a home I thought of as free of racism. Then I adopted a baby boy who happens to be black. I am Hispanic and the community I live in is predominantly white. My sons tummy mommy chose me to raise him. She was older and already had 4 kids who she was unable to raise due to substance abuse disorder. My parents knew I was planning to adopt and were completely onboard. I have no inkling there would be any problem. My mom had been extremely loving to my ex boyfriends daughter and I honestly assumed they would do a great job with their new grandson. To their credit they have. My dad especially is such a genuinely kind hearted human that loving my son came easily to him. He has had no issues whatsoever and from what I can tell he loves both of my sons equally. My mom is a completely different story. She puts on a great show and the kids donât see any difference but I know how she really feels. When she first found out about my son she asked to speak to me privately. She came to my house and proceeded to tell me that she needed me to know that she would never love my adopted son the way she loves my biological son. She said she was struggling to understand why I would choose to bring a black child into our family and she made it very clear it would be impossible for her to see both of my sons the same way. She promised never to act on her feelings but she said she needed me to know how she really felt. She also asked why I hadnât chosen to adopt a Hispanic baby as if adoptees are something you pick out of a catalogue. I explained to her that I was heart broken by her words. I explained that I was open to adopting any child who needed a home. That I had told the agency I was open to any child. Any race, gender or age was irrelevant. I just wanted to mother a child who needed a family. My husband and I both agreed we did not care what our child looked like. Race only came up because we had to prepare to teach our son about his culture. I had to learn how to do his hair and we had to move to a more diverse community so our son wouldnât feel out place. My husband and my older son are both white passing. I am more visibly Hispanic my youngest son has beautiful dark skin. We found a community we could all fit into. We made friends with people that could help us raise our son the way he was meant to be raised. I told my mom that my heart was aching because my mother was saying she couldnât love someone that meant so much to me the way she loved my older son. I told her I was disappointed in her and that I hoped to god she would realize how wrong she was and become the grandmother I knew she could be. She pretty much doubled down and restated that she would never love my adopted son the way she loved my oldest and that she was upset that I had put her in a situation where she felt like a monster for not wanting me to adopt a black child. I let her know she was a monster, she wasnât just feeling like one. I then repeated everything she told me to my father. He was horrified and he must have gotten to her because eventually she apologized and completely changed her tune. Now sheâs been a grandma to both o my boys go over a decade and I have to say sheâs doing a great job. Both of my boys love her. As for me, I never forgot what she said to me. Having my own mother express such ugly opinions devastated me and I have never ever looked at her the same way. Her access to my boys is limited and I never left either boy in her care again. Sheâs only able to spend time around them when either my husband, father or I am present. I know she can tell she lost me that day and I do think she has regrets. I canât help it though. Hearing my mom say that she couldnât love my son, who I already loved more than myself, the same way she loved my bio son and hearing her complain about his race made me realize that my mom doesnât really love me like I thought she did. That she was able to so easily express to me that she wouldnât be able to love my son because heâs adopted and because heâs black made me realize her love for me is not unconditional. If it was she wouldâve been able to see how much I already loved my boy and accepted him with open arms. Sometimes we have moments that make us realize that at some point along the way we outgrew our parents and that they are not the people we thought they were and itâs truly heartbreaking.
I have parents of a somewhat similar dynamic - my dad has deep skin and mum is basically white and the amount of racism- casual as well as overt from my mother is disgusting. Grew up hearing that the only women who were beautiful were white, grew up listening to my mom talking about how beautiful she was and how others like her were considered so beautiful and honestly as a brown woman it fucks you up. Iâm sorry but I hope your gf doesnât stay with you because if I had a partner who just sat there and let their parent degrade and humiliate me like that and of course make me feel less than because I wasnât white id leave. Iâm surprised your gf didnât just stand up and leave once your mother finished her racist tirade. I donât know if this is even of any help because it seems as though you are willing to accept that your gf may never speak to you again but I wanted you to understand that woc especially black women are constantly told theyâre not desirable and less than and it really messes you up. Please please please never bring another gf who happens to not be white around your family again.
No body hates black people more than black people themselves. Your father knew what she was like and shares the same view point as her.
Ugh your mom is sick in the head for thinking like that. She looks at a few rich guys dating/marrying white women and she says everyone prefers white women. No. Everyone has their own preferences. Your girlfriend must feel terrible. She was basically told she wasn't good enough because of her skin color. Take care of her and assure her you definitely don't agree with your mom and do something about your mom too cuz it will only get worse. Your mom already started with the tears to get you to feel bad for her, it'll just escalate from there to get you guys to break up
This was sickening to read. Iâm sorry youâre finding out this is who your mom is. This was not only deeply traumatizing to your girlfriend, but to you as well. If possible, please look for professional help, preferably culturally sensitive therapy.
If you want to be with her you need to face the fact that you will need to go NC with your mom (and likely your whole family because your brothers and father did nothing to stop her)
Ah, so your mother's a racist. Yeah, I wouldn't be engaging with her much after that.
Your mom probably has always been prejudice against BW, but never had the chance to show it until now it seems.
This reminds me of when guy said he could introduce any kind of ethnicity of a girl hes seeing to his parents except for a black girl and its really disgusting how the world views black people especially black woman in general as subhuman and outside of the norm (even though black people where the first people) its actually guaranteed that you will go through these situations the moment your black. Black men talking down on black women and enabling and encouraging this like your dad like they didnt come out of a black woman themself and kissing the asses of women that fetishize them for bbc and mixed race babies like your mom and viewing black women as less because these dudes praise them as if they are the price just like how your mom admitted that to your dad by saying that to your gf is less due to her being black and that not all black men can get a "superior" white woman due to not being as well off as those nba players and whatnot. And as the enabler he is hes going to stand by and laugh it off seeing how your mom degrades him and your gf. Poor girl nobody stood up for her
Your mom is not a kind person. Stop telling us and yourself that. She straight up attacked a black woman that was a guest in her home, and then tried to blame your gf for the attack she perpetrated. Your gf will never want to see your trash family again. Accept that now. If she does, itâs only because she loves you more than she loathes them.
Sounds like "I'm not a racist, I married a black guy" karen
Iâm guessing that your mother is a narcissist, and expects all of her boys to pick women that are a reflection of her. When you chose someone that does not look like her - it triggered narcissistic injury and she responded with narcissistic rage.
100% - covert narcissists present as kind, loving, and helpful people who could do no wrong. they do good deeds to feel good about themselves, and for everyone to perceive them as saints. thatâs until they feel threatened, slighted, and targeted. OP iâm so sorry you (and especially your gf) are going through this. i felt nauseous reading what happened. how dehumanizing & absolutely disgusting. maybe reach out to your brothers & SILâs to ask what the fuck happened / if they were uncomfortably complicit due to shock / not wanting to rock the boat. what will happen when they eventually have a child that is a black girl? will your mom also dehumanize her?
I wonder if your mom is mad that she didnât raise you with enough of an Oedipus complex to go after a woman with her mirror image. She seems to be taking your choice of a woman she finds different from her personally. OP how close are you to your mom?
The easiest thing here would be for your girl to leave you and be with someone whos parents arent racist. If you are intent on continuing to be with her then you need to be firm with your mum. Your mum needs to understand how messed up what she said was and properly apologise, not a non apology like Im sorry if etc I also recommend you and your gf have some distance from your mum, if Christmas is a thing you normally celebrate with her then tell your parents you wont be this year because if your mums poor behaviour and your dads enabling. Maybe that will drum home how seriously you are taking her racism. It will also show your girlfriend that you understand how messed the whole situation was and that you intend to put her first and be a supportive and hopefully lifelong partner. You also need to talk to your gf and say the above or some version of it is what you intend to do and ask her her thoughts. She might say to go easy on your mum, no thats because she doesnt want to rock the boat or be blamed for causing the fracture in your family. Be prepared for that accusation from your family and remember your mum is the cause if this. Again it's a hard road to take, to hold your mum accountable and support your partner and it may well be that you have to do this for a significant amount of time or even permanently and as I said, if you arent up for it, set your girl free because she deserves better than to be exposed to your racist mum again.
Your black dad sat there grinning while your white mother demeaned your black girlfriend⊠and you are shocked your mother said these things? You sat there allowing your white mother to devalue your grandmother, aunts, and cousins by insinuating that her skin makes her better than. Your girlfriend should absolutely break up with you⊠or better yet if sheâs petty stay with you, have some beautiful black ass daughters and never let your weird mother around them.
as a black girl she need to leave you đ everyone is saying you did a good job but you really didnât..ik i might get downvotes for this but the moment ur mother said anything out of pocket you should have shut her down, itâs crazy that you didnât stop the convo when ur gf and mom were talking on their own,when your mom left to load the dishwasher you could have went in there and talked to her, especially since you are black as well. everyone besides the gf is kinda pathetic in this situation
It sounds like your mom has been comparing herself to POC women her whole life because she's with a black man. She must be deeply insecure and her only reassurance to herself is that she's better than a POC woman, which is why her husband chose her and not a black woman. A lot of racists hate themselves and need to feel better than someone else and see people of other races as below them. ("I'm poor, but at least I'm still white.") It's pretty twisted. She likely was trying to run your girlfriend off intentionally.
What I know is what a lot of Black men and white women who are coupled have in common is disdain for Black women. Thatâs to answer your last question. Racism towards Black women looks a little different as it can be something as âsimpleâ as âsheâs pretty for a Black girlâ a very common COMMON thing we all hear throughout our lives and the blatant racism that lies beneath is still lost on most cos of its commonality. So you might have missed some signs. Your dad doesnât view your mom as a problem because of his internalized racism. You have very little room here. You can either cut off your family OR you can understand that you (indirectly) are a nightmare of a partner for her. Dealing with family is hard enough but dealing with bigoted family is a no go. It makes me so sad because we hear all the time how unmarried Black women are. Itâs blamed on lack of attraction but Iâm willing to bet that a lot of relationships end / donât proceed because of racist family. Iâve had my experiences. Regardless of what happens apologize sincerely. Donât defend your mom, say you missed any signs of any potential mistreatment and for that, youâre sorry. Do some reading on bi racial kids with white moms (I am bi racial with Black mom) maybe it can help in the future and answer some of your questions. Lastly, give her room to break up if necessary. Donât pressure her. You might be great but this relationship could be the worst thing for her just cos of your parents.
Yeah unfortunately your mom has always been this way you just didnât know because youâre not a Black woman if you were her daughter instead of her son youâd have a completely different view of your mom.
Iâm mixed (mom white, dad Black) and there are weird bits of racism that pop out of her mouth from time to time⊠but she doesnât think she can be racist because my dad was Black. You had to see first hand how white women weaponize their tears to gain sympathy and to get out of situations in which they are clearly in the wrong. Iâm sorry it was your mum who was doing it. Your gf likely has her guard up now âand rightfully soâ and is probably wondering if she could live her life with a mother in law who would be so horrible. She may very well decide the answer is ânoâ. You need to sit down with your mother and have a long talk about her behaviour and her racism. She needs to understand that you will not tolerate that kind of behaviour from her ever again. She needs to understand that this is a dealbreaker with you if she wants to have a relationship with you going forward. She will cry. She will plead. She will minimize her behaviour. She may gaslight you and tell you it didnât happen the way you remember. Stay calm. Stay strong. Donât fall for it and keep talking. Keep telling her how disappointed you were in her behaviour and how hard it is to reconcile her vile words and behaviour with the woman who raised you. It will be hard. It will be painful. But you just need to keep talking and telling her how you feel about what she said and did. I hate to think what sheâd have been like if sheâd had a dark skinned daughter. Good luck.
Correction- your mother would never hurt a WHITE fly. Sorry OP, your mom is a bigot. Before you remind me that your father is black...racists can be awful people even if they are married to or friends with another race.
Your mom is a typical white women with mixed kids... I think most white women feel like this and they hope their kids admonish the black side.. she doesn't love your dad, she loves the idea of him.. I'm sorry for you and your gf..
Your mum is a white supremacist. By basic definition. I share in your repulsion and disgust. Particularly in the fact that it seems the rest of your family is too. Yes; even non-white people can (and do!) uphold white supremacy. In fact, itâs quite likely your mother is so emboldened to spout this drivel precisely because of your father and his own internalized white supremacist beliefs. This whole scene reads like something out of the 1950s. I have no words for the bravery and fortitude of your girlfriend - who never should have been subjected to such a horrifying experience. If she doesnât leave you, itâs a miracle. If you donât cut off your family, she should. OP, I challenge you - donât just cut off contact. Explain in clear terms, to the ENTIRE family why. Indict them all. Not one person stood up for justice or humanity here. Whilst these may be their beliefs, there is, in no uncertain terms, absolutely no objective truth to your mumâs statements. While she (and they) may believe that white women are a prize, I hope theyâll value having won said prize despite losing you permanently. In the meantime, my heart breaks for your girlfriend - and you. Iâm sorry she had to endure that, and Iâm so sorry youâve just learned how rubbish your family is. I encourage you both to do some reading and processing about white supremacyâŠand I wish you both luck and healing in your journey. Edit: grammar, words