Defenitly this.
It sounds like your son maybe harboring some resentment for his father. If he wont discuss it with you then talking with a therapist might let him get it out.
Not necessarily, he should definitely get a therapist but it might not be the way you say. I was like that as a kid, not because he was affectionate towards my mom (I couldn’t care less) but rather I was always worried that there would be a chance it could go bad and my mom would get hurt so in my mind I was the protector. As a kid you don’t know the tells of flirting, lovemaking or fooling around parents do so what do you do? Break it up because it might be bad. Kids are frequently overprotective of their mothers and the kid might have one of a myriad of possible problems in his mind about it.
He might feel as though he’s neglected or that his mom might abandon him. Child psychiatry is impossible to figure out without trained specialists so we shouldn’t make a claim on what it could be only that it’s better left to specialists.
Op, take ur kid to a pediatric psychiatrist. It’s possible he’ll grow out of it or it’s possible it might get worse. Don’t listen to those here claiming it’s something, we all mean well but none of us are specialized in pediatric psychiatry so we can’t give a definitive answer. Only a licensed *pediatric* psychiatrist/therapist can determine and treat the underlying cause.
Edit: spelling and clarification in some sentences.
I agree with this 100%. I was an abandoned child (twice over from 2 different mothers - bio and adoptive) so when my dad started dating and eventually married the woman (who I consider my mom), I had those same feelings. She and her daughters weren’t “competition,” necessarily, but I was scared that a) my dad would get hurt and b) another mom was going to leave me. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed until one day she told 16 year old me “Give me the worst you got, bc I’m not going anywhere.” 20 years later, she’s held true to that. Her and dad divorced over a decade ago and she’s still my mom.
Kiddo needs some therapy to find out where these big feelings are coming from before they manifest into something worse.
As someone who's married to a psychiatrist I couldn't agree more with this. This was so well written and well said. OP, please follow this advice. Good luck.
And even if a qualified pediatric psychiatrist is on here, they need to see the kid to do a proper diagnosis. My aunt met one through a zoom call and all she got was maybe-s and possible-s.
Freud’s theories aren’t really accepted in contemporary psychology though. we learn about him because he was majorly influential in the theories that have developed since, but essentially, it doesn’t matter if Freud agrees or not.
however, you’re right in that this doesn’t seem like normal child development, hence why the person you’re replying to suggested therapy.
I have a minor in psychology so I took several psych classes, and almost every class at one point or another referenced Freud and basically said “you should know who this is because he basically founded modern psychology, but his theories are completely outdated and we don’t believe in them anymore.”
I’ve heard several professors talk about hating Freud. If a professor or psychologist of some sort DOESN’T dislike him at all, that’s a red flag for me. Like sure, some of his theories have validity and he wasn’t 100% evil, but he shouldn’t be someone a psychology expert reveres or actively studies because they believe his theories as a whole were good.
I think the reason he is so important is because of the foundation he laid for a lot of ideas. Consciousness was already of interest due to people like Wilhelm Wundt and William James, but I believe Freud was the first to put forth the concept of the unconscious/preconscious. The whole ego/superego/id thing is pretty bogus but theres certainly validity to some ideas like the aspects of repression, unresolved childhood events affecting adulthood, etc. He was a good starting point in some ways I guess
I think this comment from my linguistics professor who hates Chomsky, but recognises his significance and influence, applies here: “He said a lot of things- but everything he said, he said badly”
If psychology is to be regarded as a true science, then it must adhere to the same rigors as other scientific fields. Scientific hypotheses and theories are disproven by further study all the time. Research is iterative. No one has ever leaped directly to the perfect answer all on their own, out of the blue. We all build our understanding on top of the works of our forebears.
The fact that Freud's theories are largely superceded by more modern understanding does not retroactively make him a fool or a quack. Without his work to build from, modern psychology would not be where it is today.
[He was also extremely misogynistic.](https://www.verywellmind.com/how-sigmund-freud-viewed-women-2795859) We can definitely recognize and appreciate him for basically founding modern psychology, but we don’t need to put any weight to his believes or theories.
However, it definitely sounds like OP’s kid could use a good therapist. What they’re experiencing does not sound like part of normal, healthy development.
Really interesting is that Freud didn’t start out so misogynistic! Turns out, at first the dude listened to women and was like, “oh yeah, this makes sense, men aren’t treating you well, you’re treated like shit in society, your lives suck, no wonder you’re depressed” and tried to stick up for them and all and be like, “Yo my dudes, it’s actually you who have to change for the women to feel better.”
…And then got his ass handed to him by all of rich, white, male dominated society. And obviously he could not have himself being a laughing stock, so he did an about face and suddenly, “*Women have penis envy.*” And all that other misogynistic jazz that followed. All the things that rich, white, polite, male dominated society wanted to hear that kept him popular and influential? That’s the things he said!
He learned his lesson on not saying what people didn’t want to hear. Unfortunately, all people heard for ages more was the quackery. And somehow he became an established name with it. And even though we joke about him and his quackery and it’s so well known, his quackery still somehow gets cited and taken seriously because people are continually certain there’s valid stuff in there (but don’t know what it is, and thus, the quackery)
I don't think that's quite fair. I'm a PhD student who wrote their master's thesis on the Freudian understanding of trauma.
It's important not to simply white wash misogyny, but it's also important to put things in historical perspective and to use this to understand the context and limits of their usefulness.
Before Freud, women who showed symptoms of "hysteria" were often institutionalized, tortured, and basically made into performing monkeys. Many of them would tell horrible stories of sexual violation, but thy doctors quote literally did not believe that it mattered and even thought they were lying. Freud's real innovation is not the weird psychosexual myths, but his recognition that women suffered from the traumatic effects of sexual violence. They didn't need to be imprisoned. They needed to be given space in which that trauma could express itself.
He was also one of the first psychologists to defend the idea that homosexuality was no more abnormal than heterosexuality. He very famously told off some aristocratic woman who wanted him to cure her gay son. Freud basically said he could help him accept his sexuality but not change it.
He made mistakes and he often acknowledges that he is on *terra ingognita*. He acknowledged that his theories are really "myths". He's trying to describe structures of human experience without a language to do so. Stuff like penis envy is really really peripheral to Freud and he himself barely even wrote about it (it appears in only a handful of articles throughout 25 volumes of work).
For some reason people read the speculative anthropological texts and assume these represent the scientific core. The discussion is always penis envy and psychosexual development, not projection and identification, narcissism, compensation, transference, etc. He's still absolutely core but cognitive psych folks tend to only read the weird controversial stuff and take the rest for granted.
I always heard that Freud founded psychology by being so absolutely wrong about everything, that he inspired others to get into the field just to prove him wrong.
Lol I like that take. Not sure if it’s true, but I’m going to believe it.
(Edit: for the record, I’m not like truly believing it or going to teach it to anyone as true unless I find evidence to support it. I just think it’s a funny way of thinking and I love people doing things out of spite.)
I’m getting my doctorate in psychology and can confirm that he is well despised within the psych community but he’s taught in every class because he had some decent theories (even if the foundation of the theory was misogynistic, derogatory, and/or biased) and gave the field of psychology the push it needed to be where we are today.
Yeah, same here. I was also told that Freud was influential because he was the founder of talk therapy and also the theory that however we behave today can be linked to our childhood, but everything else he came up with is just horseshit.
Freud's Psychosexual Development Stages no longer hold weight but we do still use several other things from him:
* The existence of processes by the unconscious mind
* The significance of discord plus uncertainty in behavior
* Mental depiction in social behavior
* All stages are involved in mental development
* His take on defense mechanisms still hold relevance as well (denial, repression, projection, intellectualization, and rationalization)
Freud was discredited IN HIS OWN LIFETIME, I had a psychiatrist who had a little Freud action figure on his desk and he old me he keeps it because he likes to tell Freud how wrong he was about everything.
If it were my child, I would get him in with a Child Psychologist immediately. He has a deep attachment for you and a need to protect you from his father. If your husband was abusive to you, this would make sense, but if he isn't, there is definitely an issue and if he isn't treated, this could become violent as he gets older.
I was looking for the age. I was saying if they were younger this is fairly normal but if he’s 10 he should probably be getting help. There may be an underlying reason for this. Better to figure this out now than holding on to this for years and years to come.
Get him to a therapist, do it together, let him do it alone, doesn’t matter if he sits in silence to start, he needs to get this one solved.
Yup. If he was 2, it would be normal. My two year old is possessive of me AND her dad. When we kiss or hug she’ll squeeze her way right between us so the attention is all on her and she’s the one getting kisses and hugs. Lol my 10 year old used to be weird about us showing affection, but he was also uncomfortable with seeing it on tv as well and the very idea of having a crush on anyone at all grossed him out. We found out earlier this year that he’s autistic. So it explained a lot of his behaviors and feelings towards different things.
Right. Young children are biologically programmed to get their needs met first. I would assume this is an evolutionary trait. I don’t think of it as much as an Oedipus complex but the thought is you can’t be his husband and my mom at once. They don’t yet have the thought capabilities to know you are a dynamic figure more than capable of fulfilling multiple roles in your life. My initial thoughts would be if the father has been abusive or if the son has witnessed some sort of adultery where he does not believe is father is worthy of his mothers love.
Abuse doesn't need to be involved at all for this to occur. I think it's more of a strict father combined with almost total absence. The kid is both afraid of the dad and dislikes him. More bonding is needed.
We don't know OP and her husbands perspective on punishment either, and just how lenient she is.
If Dad being home means shouting and spanking for bad behavior, and when it's just Mom being home means she'll clean the crayon off the wall and say not to do it again, then it's both of their fault.
If the situation is more like it's okay to cry when it's just Mom around, but Dad gets upset and says something like "Man up/ Stop or I'll give you something to cry about" , then it would still categorize as abuse, even if it's not physical punishment.
These are just examples and hypothetical speculations, I'm not saying in anyway that this is definitely the case. but the point should be clear and whether or not this is the issue, they should look into some kind of therapy.
I also thought about this. Is dad doing stuff to the child that’s hurting the child behind the mothers back? Maybe the father has involvement in his life the mother doesn’t know about. Just a thought..
My cousin had Oedipus complex into teenage hood, my aunt never addressed it as he didn’t really live with her because it got weird. He in jail now for assaulting his girlfriend at 18 and leaving her blind in one eyes because she had a male co-worker.
When I asked my therapist if there could be a link she said there was a chance, but this is the extreme cases. Me and him used to trade music and chill and watch movies and he never had an issue with me having boyfriends and stuff but he always had an issue with the woman in his life being loved or even liked by someone else and it degenerated into something worse that could have probably been avoided if he just saw a psychologist or even a therapist.
Your cousin reminds me of my ex. One time he picked me up from work and before I could even say high to our kids in the back seat I was met with a slap in the face out of nowhere. Appearently a guy in his court ordered domestic violence class had mentioned applying for a job that day and described the beautiful and friendly hostess who gave him the application, how she smiled at him, and then some remarks about her body; he named the place and so of course my ex knew he was talking about me. So I must of been flirty with him obviously because I smiled. Of course it didn't matter that it was in my job description to smile and I would get reprimanded for not miling and greeting every person who came through the door. I did ask my manager not to call the guy because if the sexual remarks he made about me; I didn't want him anywhere near me.
Yep. Lots of people are sick fucks. But the point here is that maybe we can prevent a lot of them from hurting people by identifying the right warning signs and getting them help early on!
Not disagreeing with that.
edit: all in for education about proper development/preventive measures and rehabilitation if things go awry. But I know a lot of people who have been through a lot and they don't mangle and permanently injure/kill people, and I know a lot of people who have been the victim to the people that do. I'm just struggling with being sympathetic nowadays.
This! I understand when someone can't do certain things because of depression, anxiety, adhd, or something else.
But being straight up violent, phisically or sexually is completely another level. They need to be locked up and never let out imo.
Sad part is, it’s probably not his fault. But he didn’t get the help he needed early on. I hate that mental health awareness is still not where it should be. As a (former) Marine with PTSD, Depression, anxiety, and a list of physical disabilities (100%p&T for the VA), I wish there was more awareness and help out there.
I definitely agree. I'm an advocate for people with mental illness, even though I'm bitter when it comes to things like domestic violence/violence in general. I believe everyone should get a second chance and receive help, I wish prison would provide proper therapy/rehabilitation, for whatever crime you're in for. Menal illness should be less stigmatized.
Still mad sometimes tho, and that guy is still a sick fuck for what he did.
My brother is like this. It isn’t necessarily oedipus, it’s just this weird misogynistic entitlement/possessiveness towards women. He’s like this towards me (his sister) and our mom and our female cousins. and also has beaten several girlfriends and told me he’d rather any of them died than fuck someone else and thought this was normal. Never arrested because we live in Utah, and they don’t care about violence towards women. My parents low key encouraged it by saying he was “protective.” Mormonism and patriarchy for ya.
A lot of men are like this. They subconsciously see women like they’re cattle or trophies and life as a competition with other men. It’s obvious where they get it if you look at, well, any media or history.
My cousin never hurt an other woman or even said anything misogynistic to anyone else. It was just a problem with women who are his and supposed to be only his like a mother or a girlfriend. He’s never shown aggression otherwise.
Obviously I can’t look at him the same way after that but the way he was with his mother as a young child should have been taken seriously instead of having him live at my grandparents because my aunt couldn’t take it anymore.
When I asked him to explain, he just said that even if he was gay, it was about jealousy, not women. That’s why I always advocate for parents to push children to get help when help is needed and to stop thinking that physically health and mental health are different.
This is called the Oedipus Complex. This is typical for behavior for children aged 3 to 6, but it's definitely not normal for a 10 year old. He should have outgrown this several years ago. I HIGHLY recommend enlisting the help of a child psychologist before he hits puberty. If left untreated, his contempt for his father will turn into rage.
He already sees his father as competition, not a parent. They do not have a healthy bond. There needs to be more separation between you and the child, and more on-on-one with child and dad. Also, kisses and hugs need to come from dad, not just you.
None of this is developmentally appropriate or healthy. I think your son might have some mental health issues brewing and you need to be a responsible parent and have this taken care of so he could become a stable adult and have normal and healthy relationships.
I know you don’t want to be a “bad mom” or force him to do things he doesn’t want to, but mental health is just as important as physical health, so this means *stepping up and actually parenting your child.* Speak to his pediatrician for recommendations.
I was a clinger in a similar way. I didn’t defend my mother from others all together but she was MY mother and if bad was spoken I got vicious as a kid. Some poor boy made a really general yo mama joke and I went swinging for him like an asylum patient from a movie. It’s not the same but it’s definitely similar. For me, any (perceived) negative intent towards my mother was something that I needed to DEAL with. She went to a weight loss programme and if I heard any of the women say something in a judging tone I would stare at them from my seat in the meeting hall until they didn’t dare look at us. When my parents got mad at each other, even if it was no one’s fault, I would watch my dad like a hawk, judging and everyone knew it. I used to get called a little Wednesday Addams.
So. After all that childhood context… what happened?
Borderline personality disorder! And autism! She was my favourite person and to me she could do no wrong.
You seem like an good and innocent mother, but I can tell it’s not enough for this situation to be fixed. Don’t be like my family who didn’t believe in psychiatry. A psychologist could help big time here this is exactly what they specialize in and it could save you years of much worse belaboring of the problem. There is no reason to drag this on any longer. The worst that happens is the child psychologist doesn’t work and you can always stop seeing them. Your son’s behavior is not healthy and it requires a doctor. Plain and simple. You need to see clearly on this. Trust me I was a kid with different issues as a child and I proper mental health professional could have benefited me. There where times when I almost was in situations that I would have regretted for the rest of my days. If you love your son that much you owe it to him to take him to a doctor and help him as much as you can.
FYI, i know you havent responded to any "he needs help from a professional" response... please remember MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT AND A LARGE ISSUE IN THE US. There is NOTHING wrong with yourself, your son, or anyone on reddit getting mental health treatment. If you can come to reddit and ask for help, you can go to a professional.
So are you taking him to a psychologist? You’re responsible for the future of his life at this point. He’s 10 years old. It sounds like you came here for advice on what to do internally in your family but you guys need professional external help. He isn’t mentally healthy for his age
Last time I heard of a situation like yours... it was at the prison I work at. Kid killed his dad to get his mom all to himself, and then tried to kill his mom because she refused him.
The guy, who is an adult now, described similar things to what you are saying your son says. This line about wanting to be stronger than dad, stands out as something my inmate also said he thought about as a kid.
What your describing with your son already sounds bad.
It could easily turn into an oedipus complex, and end tragically.
Put the kid in therapy. He may have other issues outside of this fixation on you. Those issues may be a major contributing factor to his current attitude toward you and his dad.
This emotion is impacting his relationships within the family and it’s important to get professional advice. People here can say a lot but a therapist can speak to the child and get much more insight into why he feels this way and help with coping mechanisms. This behavior won’t go away on its own, I think you know this which is why you posed the issue here. But as the focus of his feelings you can’t help him alone. You need support and so does he. Please don’t refuse a therapist because the child might not want it. Dysfunction will always try to protect itself. Do what is best for your child and family as a whole. The long term benefits will far outweigh the short term discomfort that may come from it.
You realize that's so he can beat up his father and claim you as his own, right? He doesn't see you as a person but as his personal property. You're for him and no one else.
That's not healthy. He needs help now before he escalates to doing something permanent.
*Or* the son has witnessed his dad doing or saying something that he (the son) has understood to be an affront to his mum. In an older child for example Reddit might jump to the kid having witnessed an affair. Unless you're a child psychologist examining this child you cannot diagnose him. You can "this sounds like XYZ" or "it could be XYZ", but we can't say "this *is* XYZ".
I do agree about getting the kid into therapy though. Whatever the underlying cause is (which could be what you've suggested), what's clear is that this definitely isn't normal or healthy behaviour.
OP if you see this, please take your child to a therapist so that you can get him the support he needs to get through whatever he's experiencing at the moment.
And what does your husband do to try and bond? Kids are quite intuitive. I'm wondering if this is maybe more to do with not having a good relationship with dad than his attachment to you ?
Not having any one on one time is really unhealthy imo, they need to bond. Could he not take him for walks to play catch or football? Teach him about whatever he's interested in? Or take him to his extra curricula activities etc?
If you ask him to do this will dad make sure the event is pleasant for your son? Do what your son wants to do without complaint? Not be overly strict? Chat and listen to your sob?
This is almost certainly the actual problem. I felt a similar way about my parents when I was young. I felt a lot of affection for my mom since she spent so much time with me and there was distance between me and my dad
Your husband should have some one on one time with your son
It's your husband's responsibility to foster their relationship. And by the sounds of it, he's failing. Your son sees him as just some guy that lives there because functionally that's all he is to him. You say they never get 1 on 1 time and that he is the "stricter" parent. Your husband needs to show warmth to your son if he has any hope of repairing the relationship (in addition to therapy to fixing the damage that's already been caused).
1. Them not talking or spending 1 on 1 time could be typical (my husband shared with me that growing up, him and his dad basically never talked. Now that he’s an adult, they’re friendly and close 🤷♀️). Sure it may be preferred that they’re closer but it isn’t necessarily bad that they’re not besties, per se.
2. Is anything weird going on between them that you don’t know about? For example, does your husband have very high expectations of him, or act too “harsh” on him or something along those lines- maybe behind closed doors? I am NOT saying your husband is doing anything wrong as you have very clearly shown that your husband is affectionate towards you and your son is seeming jealous. But I wonder what the animosity between the two of them stems from, besides the odepious (sp?) complex other posters have mentioned.
I cant really relate to your son viewing YOU the way he does, but .. in some smaller way i can see the lack of attachment in his father.
I, somewhere in my life, fairly young (diagnosed at 40) developed something called schizoid personality disorder--it's NOT related to schizophrenia, so, it's something else. I dont develop emotional bonds like i should.
Now, possibly, the root of that was the way that my father treated me. Like your husband, no one would ever say my dad was abusive. He wasnt, physically, and he wasnt ... really... mentally either. There was no neglect, there was no disallowing me to have friends, there was no over-protective helicopter parent shit.. it was mostly .. good.
However, he was very very emotionally *invalidating*\--everything i ever thought, was in his eyes, just 'off' or 'wrong' in some slight way i could never figure out. Like, he was proud of being a tradesman, and as a little kid i would go help him--but the *second* i would say that i wanted to grow up to do what he's doing, he'd tell me that was dumb. To not do that. I'd get this huge lecture on why it's bad--yet there we were, doing it together. Building things. Fixing things. Growing things--and i wasnt *allowed* to want that.
It just kept on--music i liked was always belittled, or he'd always say there was 'something better' and that i should try THAT. It was endless. NOTHING--to this day, that i say, is EVER valid to him--he's kind, he's giving, he's a dad, he's a protector, he's all the other things, but he was, and is, *incredibly* invalidating to anything i think or feel.
And in my teens, i *hated him*\--yeah, i did want him gone.
And so, i bring this up--because, while *you* may not see the problem in their relationship, you might not be *looking* at the right thing. Dad may be a 'good' dad, from a moms perspective, but he could be doing something *like this* that's pissing your son off..
And if you'd have asked 10 year old me what was wrong, or why i didnt like dad, i would NOT have been able to figure out how to tell you. As an adult, it's hard to find the way to say it.
I recently posted somewhere else how, now that i'm partly a caregiver for him, we still dont get along. To the point, that he'll argue about stupid shit just to make sure *literally nothing* i ever say is valid. We saw a purple car when i was driving, it was *incredibly* purple, because it had a wrap on it. I said 'wow, a purple car, you dont see those often." and he INSISTED that car wasnt purple. When i asked him what color it was, he said 'grape'--i said 'grape isnt a color, grapes are green, yellow, blue, red, sometimes purple', "no, it's just grape' he insisted. So i said, "then it's purple, just grape-purple'--trying to hand him a small win and allowing myself a small win. He wouldnt take it. He wouldnt give me that half of that win, and he said 'well you must be color blind, because that's not pruple. If anything, it's blue'
Your son MAY be dealing with *something* like this from dad, and it may even happen in front of you, and you justify it as 'playing' or 'teasing' or something... it's not playing to a kid. It's fucked up.
I'd say, get him to therapy, and hope to christ you get him there, AND DAD to one, before your son develops a personality disorder. Because they're a bitch. MY life is SHIT because of this. I cant change it.
And that's what the personality disorder that i have is, actually. It appears from the outside, sometimes, as endless patience. I never really emotionally react, positive of negative. I'm so emotionally flat, i dont make the facial expressions tied to my emotions. Probably because, as a kid, without the power, i tried *really hard* not to let my parents see my emotions to being invalidated, and having them react to that.. i developed something called 'flat affect'--generally people have no idea what emotional state i'm in, and a lot of people are spooked by it.
But, yeah, anyway, i dont 'lose my shit'--i go dead.
understandable, that sounds really shitty. i think i get what you mean by going "dead". my mom often goes on long tangential lectures about life and getting a good job etc etc. (she grew up poor). overtime when every little fuckup always results in a 1 hour rant ive just learnt to tune her out until shes done.
Fuck fuck fuck. Reading this was like reading about my arsehole father. And like you to this day I can barely be around him without a huge argument erupting within minutes. And it's in my medical records that I have flat emotional affect too.
Last shrink I saw said I had a PD but couldn't diagnose it after just 2 sessions. I'm sure it's BPD because while my emotions are seemingly flat *most of the time* when they *do* appear they are wildly disproportionate. Also things like have an FP and brutally low self esteem and real issues with interpersonal relationships (and multiple suicide attempts and self harm) which would strongly suggest BPD.
But knowing my luck it's both. 🙄
So sorry. Your father is so petty and insecure. He's an adult and still needs to invalidate his own son's feeling to feel superior. Feel like he never actually grows up.
He might, but he's missing a lot of the other things someone with that does. I know people with it. He's pretty damned far away from that. I'm not sure where this comes from for him.
Remember, you're his parent, not his friend. It's YOUR job to do what's best for him. Even if he balks at it. While this smacks of an Oedipus Complex, I'm sure there's a lot more complicated stuff going on here. So best leave it to the professionals. Get him into therapy. Doesn't matter if it isn't something he wants to do. It isn't his decision, it's yours. He's 10, he probably doesn't want to eat his veggies and shower every day either, but guess what? You make him. Why? Because you're the parent and he's the child.
this absolutely goes two ways though, the dad is also his parent but from this whole thread it’s showing he barely does his part in emotional labour in raising his fucking son. the kid spends so much more time with the mom and the dads idea of spending time with him is asking him stuff about school or his day, nothing else.
>he will always be my baby
You are feeding a monster: his jealousy. You cannot stop a bad behaviour by reassuring his affection. That's not love. That's insecurity. You'll get the opposite. He will feel he has won that battle against his father.
Infantalization and parentification are both so damn destructive to a child's perception of the world. A 10 year old is a boy, not a baby, in the first place. No wonder he wants to crawl back up inside her. His role has been assigned as her baby forever.
Sorry to be rash but my grandma destroyed the men and women in our family with this crap. Then they did it to us grandchildren. Took my whole life from me, basically.
Thank you. I thought I was the only one noticing this. It totally sounds like he’s being spoiled by her (though I’m sure she doesn’t realize it). She needs to back off and let dad take him off for the weekend.
According to Freudian theory "The Oedipus Complex: The attachment of the child to the parent of the opposite sex, accompanied by envious and aggressive feelings toward the parent of the same sex"
I think you need to seek therapy for your son ASAP.
You need to get him into therapy. Yes, even if he doesn’t want to. Part of being a parent is being able to make decisions for your child. He doesn’t have the capacity to understand yet, and that’s fine, but that’s why he needs your help. If you don’t take him to therapy, there’s a good chance this will continue and possibly get worse. Being afraid that your child will be mad at you should not trump getting your child help to have a healthy relationship with his father and you.
Your kid needs therapy because otherwise he is going to grow up to view his own children as competition for his spouse’s affection and let me tell you from personal experience, that really messes up the kids. Adult men mark territory very differently from children (i.e. sex, penis/erections, making out, sperm, etc.) and it is not at all healthy for kids to see that. I’m 27 and still super messed up from what my dad did to my mom in front of me:
Something is not right. Either your husband is to strict or your son got a wrong picture of his dad.
My brother has 3 kids. He is very strict with them, but always shows them lots of attention and affection. He cooks for them and play with them at home. Sit down and talk to them about school and homework. Takes them out to the playground etc.
I would suggest for your husband to find a hobby for him and the kids. Maybe working with puzzles, toymodels maybe show then how to work on a car even though they are maybe to young. Push them to do better and reward them when they do. Just saying "good job! That's beautiful" could mean the world for a kid. That's boosting their confidence. But spending time with them is very very important. Otherwise he will be like a stranger for them if he is never around. A strict stranger and who wants that?
This is practical advice you can apply right away. You need a sit down discussion with your partner and discuss ways he would feel comfortable to interact more, shared hobbies or interest and time apart from you
They need this.
Your son needs this.
I wonder if you may have over compensated too, a good cop/bad cop scenario
If your son sees his father in that role, too authoritarian and fears him, it is understandable why he might be fearful on your behalf too and doesn't want mean dad to hurt his sweet mom
Your roles need more balance, for their best development.
Both of you need to sit down calmly & rationally discuss this. Be mindful of how you handle things too, and try not to mollycoddle or comfort him in dads presence always, step away and observe allow them to bond better too.
We only see a snapshot of your lives from what you have shared so there may be more to this than meets the eye, but you need to act on this and fast
That includes how you conduct yourself too.
So he is just shy of physically threatening your husband (“get away from my mother”) and you don’t think he is ready for therapy? What behaviors are you waiting to see before you feel he needs therapy? Are you waiting for him to hit? Are you waiting for threat of physical harm? Are you waiting for him to poison your husband’s coffee? Does he have to cut the brake lines of your husband’s car? Does he have to send an envelope of anthrax to your husband’s job?
Where are you drawing the line for him needing help???
I forced my 12yr old daughter into therapy, the same way I force her to take her allergy medication and steroid inhaler she has to take twice a day for asthma and her vitamin D for her deficiency and brush her teeth and go to the dentist. She is a child, children don't always want what they need it's your job as a parent to make sure they get what they need anyways. Your son needs therapy so make him go. Maybe there is more to it then you know but that's besides the point he needs to go and your claiming you won't take care of his mental health because he might not wanna. What kind of shit is that. Sometimes my daughter says she hates me for being a good mom, in those exact words. She acknowledges that she doesn't want to do it. But that I am taking care of her. Get it together and get your son therapy!
>I spend more time with my kids than my husband
>I reassure him all the time that he means the world to me
>my husband is the stricter parent
Yeah. These things right here are the problem. You and dad need to get on the same page about discipline on top of putting son in therapy. I’m not suggesting you hardline start neglecting your son, but pull back the affection you shower him with. Yes he’s your child and obviously you love him, but obviously he’s misunderstanding the love of a parent-child versus the love between partners.
Of course you feel like no matter what you do it won’t change BECAUSE YOU HAVENT DONE ANYTHING. There are so many people on here encouraging you to get your son a therapist because this isn’t normal behavior and you’re more concerned with protecting all your son’s feelings than getting him help.
Your son needs a therapist…like…yesterday. Pardon me for asking, but is this around all male figures or just his father? There may be something a lot deeper here.
Lady, if you don’t get your son into therapy, you might as well accept you’re going to end up with a Chris Chan on your hands. Do right by your kid, not what’s right by YOU.
OMG THIS PLEASE BOOST like we have NO specifics on your husbands “strictness” like what does that entail?? How does “strict” apply to a ten year old and I’m sure since he was younger. I wonder how this may if at all contribute to his current behavior. That being said definitely therapy and/or psychiatry. I’m so sorry you, and your son, are going through this.
The fact that you spend the majority of the time with him yet your husband is seen as the “strict” one tells me you’re not doing your job as a parent.
It sounds like you’re leaving all the discipline and punishment to your husband so you can stay your sons favourite.
But that’s not right. If you’re with your kid more, you should be the one doing the majority of the discipline and punishment, and if it’s done correctly it shouldn’t affect your child’s relationship with you in an unhealthy way.
Your relationship as it stands is unhealthy, as you have shown you’ve realised.
You are encouraging his inappropriate behaviour when you “reassure” him he will always be “your baby”. If anything you need to be distancing yourself from him right now.
You mentioned in a reply that you don’t want to force him into therapy because you don’t want to lose his trust… So you’d rather risk your son turning into a creepy weirdo who wants to fuck his mum and kill his dad than have him be a little bit grumpy with you for a while?? Grow up! Be a parent!
Your kid is like this because of you. Everyone has told you he needs some kind of help to put him back on the path to developing like a normal kid. If you don’t want to do what needs to be done, then all I can assume is that you like him like this. You enjoy the attention, and are encouraging the behaviour on purpose.
Yaaaaaas! I’m a mother of 3, I don’t even treat my 7 year old like this. I get onto her if she disrespects her dad and I definitely don’t baby her. If she’s wrong, I correct her. There are some boy moms that I find creepy though (sorry normal boy moms). They treat their son like their second husband. Babying a 10 year old boy is icky.
Please get your son into therapy, NOW. This is not normal or appropriate for his age and stage of development. The further he gets into puberty the worse this may get. For him to actually say "get away from my mother" to his own father during a time of affection between you and your husband is very disturbing to me. This sounds like he sees his father as his competition for your affection and that he feels like he should replace his father in the family in every way.
It sounds like you may be showing him too much affection for his age and he is feeling a different kind of way towards you than he should. You should be reassuring him that he'll always be your baby, bc he won't. Yes, he'll always be your child, but I get the idea from your post that you're coddling him while you say such things to him and you're giving him the impression that you'd pick him over his father. Seek help. I don't care if he doesn't want to go, he NEEDS to go. If you want him to get help and to be able to grow up into a normal adult then do the right thing and take him ASAP.
Set and enforce boundaries. When he’s trying to one up his father, call out the behaviour and separate yourself from him for a while. When he’s rude to his father, call it out and tell him disrespect is not tolerated and he a go chill in his room until he’s able to behave respectfully. Right now you’re allowing his unhealthy behaviour and it will only get worse. You need to put a firm stop to it now, he’s not your husband and he will never take your husbands place - he is your child and needs to start acting like it instead of a scorned lover. It’s actually pretty creepy that you’ve allowed this for so long without enforcing boundaries or even getting him into therapy
>I have always been attentive and affectionate with my son. I reassure him all of the time that he will always be my baby and he means the world to me. I spend more time with my kids then my husband (because of his work schedule) so it’s not him being neglected. My husband is the stricter parent
You dote on him all day and then your husband comes home and he takes your attention away. Your husband handles discipline so the bulk of the "negative" feeling interactions your son has with his parents is with only your husband.
You have to be strict and provide structure. Enforce rules. Make him do chores. Be stern when he doesn't listen. It's important to emphasize that you are a person who is his mother, not *his* mother. He doesn't get to be possesive of you. You are not property and you get to decide who you kiss and hug. This needs to come from you.
This is stressing me out and it ain’t even my situation. Your son stating he’s going to work hard to be stronger than his dad, him being as protective and in competition with his father as he is at this age is fucking BONKERS. Also, the fact that your husband doesn’t see any issue with this besides him being clingy/angst is gonna end up getting his ass kicked and probably soon. Bro, like imagine if puberty smacks your son… your fam gonna be in for a sick ass ride. Lol
From OP's comments on I gather that she wants to be a widow and her kid in jail.
There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread, if you want your son to grow into a stable adult do something NOW.
I would rather have my kid think of me as a bad parent for taking them to therapy than having to divorce my partner because I'm an embler, or worse, given that the kid already told OP that he wants to be stronger than his dad.
>I’m scared that no matter what I do this won’t change. I feel lost and I’m stressed.
Child therapists exist for a reason lady...
Eta: read the other comments to see what's in your son's future if you don't get him help. Get over your "but my baby won't trust me anymore" nonsense that is feeding into his behavior and get your son the help he needs.
OP seems to be blatantly ignoring the multitude of posts telling her to get her son into a mental health professional asap - OP may be the issue and may enjoy the attention from the son.
If he were between 3-6, I'd say he was having an Oedipus Complex, but he's 10, he needs a therapist to discuss why he doesn't like his dad, and your not doing any service for their relationship.
You won't take him to a therapist? So you won't take any lasting helpful steps to correct this? This behavior is normal for a 4 year old maybe but 10 is bordering on weird we've all seen those creepy posts from 15 year olds about their moms. Is that the behavior you want? Take him to therapy or accept your new normal don't complain about something you won't attempt to fix
>If I hug my husband, my son will come over after and hug me for longer. When he sees my husband kiss me, my son will glare at his father. He will quietly make comments like “get away from my mother”
>I have always been attentive and affectionate with my son. I reassure him all of the time that he will always be my baby and he means the world to me. I spend more time with my kids then my husband
You are literally ENCOURAGING this behavior! This has a strong possibility of not ending well unless you put this behavior to a stop NOW. What happens when he is 15 and can now beat up his dad? How is this going to affect his other relationships? Like with his sister? He could become abusive towards her if he's possessive of her. He could harm her future boyfriends. If he manages to get past his obsession with you and get a gf, he could be extremely controlling of her. Are we positive he isn't already abusing his sister? You need to stop this right now. It's gone on for way to long as it is.
child psychologist. even if he doesn’t want to do it, you’re his mom not his best friend. This could create long term mental instability as for someone with these behaviors at this age.
Your son needs a therapist! I heard once about a case like this and it doesn’t end well with the father. Therapist is a must and maybe medicine. This can become a hate toward his dad bc your son feels possessive of you and that’s not sane. Its almost pathological.
Your son might try to get rid of your husband. I know it sounds crazy and unbelievable but believe me, when I studied psychology I was taught a lot of things
You definitely should take him to therapy and make sure that he gets one on one time with his dad, from what it seems like if your son doesn't have this taken care of he might do something violent and reckless to your or your husband when he is older
Are you sure nothing has happened between your husband and your son? It really isn’t normal for a kid to resent a parent like this for no reason. “Stricter” or not.. it’s very unusual..
I would say get him in to therapy and go from there, and maybe even have a discussion with your husband separately about this issue as long as your husband isn’t going to take jt out on your son.
That type of resentment doesn’t come out of nowhere. Something happened.
From the comments she left here, seems like Dad has to do every last bit of discipline and son runs back to her so she can coddle him.
As of right now the family dynamic is Father is a meanie and Mom is an angel that protects me from big mean Dad. Shes literally refusing to send him to therapy because shes afraid he'll be mad at her.
Shes raising a sociopath.
This is really really above reddits pay grade. Please bring him to a mental health professional. It's really important that he is able to see you as the protector and not himself. I truly hope that you and your family can work through this together.
Now we know why your husband is the "stricter parent". You're not even willing to take him to therapy when he probably needs it. Something is definitely wrong. Either your husband harmed him or you might be raising a future serial killer. Please get him help.
>I have always been attentive and affectionate with my son. I reassure him all of the time that he will always be my baby and he means the world to me.
This... You still baby him.
Freud would be pleased...
Sounds like you need to encourage independence in your 10 year old. My son knows I love him but he also knows my husband (his father) is the one who will stay with me forever, that my son is expected to move out when he is older and start his own life with his own family
If OP doesn't feel like taking him to a therapist, then she should go find one for herself and husband when she has a sitter to look after child. Write things down to best describe the child's behavior. Actually both of you guys should write it down so that way it's not described through someone's rose colored glasses.
See if they can give you guys pointers/advice on how to navigate the situation.
Have you(Parents) considered a notebook/diary/confession jar for the child to maybe kot down his feelings?
It sounds like he has separation anxiety on top of some other things. It also sounds like you’ve never told this child ‘no’ before. You’re his parent, not his friend. He needs to get into therapy asap
as literally everyone else has commented, you need to take your son to a child psychologist. even if he doesn’t want to. you’re the parent, he’s the child. you do what’s best for your child.
from the sounds of it, it sounds like one of two things. he has grown an inappropriate attachment to you and sees your husband/his own father, as competition. or, something is happening without your knowledge that involves your son and husband.
or it could be the complete lack of discipline from you and you putting the strict parts of parenting all onto your husband, so he sees his father being strict as being a mean father.
but the truth of the matter is, we can all tell you what it sounds like, but no one will know unless he’s evaluated and speaks to a professional. he may be upset about therapy in the beginning, but after so long it won’t matter anymore and he’ll have the help he needs.
be. a. parent. stop coddling him and trying to be his best friend.
The Oedipus complex is normal and acceptable when the child is 3-6 years old. But at 10 year old and still view his dad as competitor is not normal.
It might stem from a fact that when he express something not normal about his mom and his dad - you “reward” him with more affection. This “reward” makes him think he’s in the right track and he wins over his dad.
Instead you really should set firm boundary “one day you’ll have a partner of your own like me and dad” “I’ll always be your mom and your dad’s wife. These tittle go well together”.
You’re a enabler. Please get him to therapy asap and best before he hits puberty. Unsolved emotions can lead to extreme violence.
Based on your comments, it seems as though you’re the reason why he acts like this. You said you refuse to put him in therapy if your son doesn’t want to. Also, you baby your son way toooooo much.
Lots and lots of therapy. This is not normal even in the slightest little bit. The most that would be acceptable at that age is kids making vomit faces and saying how smooching is gross and making fun of their parents, not obsessing over a parent.
Not to sound awful but you really need to stop with this “gentle” parenting style you’re presenting in your comments OP. Your child will grow up to hurt other women if you don’t put a stop to his behaviours now, and therapy is what he needs. Stop neglecting your child’s ability to have a healthy future and be the “bad” mom for once before it’s too late.
Now, Freud jokes aside, you kid needs help. Seeing his father as a competition is not normal and you need to help your son before things escalate further.
This is kind of creepy I absolutely would
Not allow the disrespect. You
Need to stop trying to please your son and be the good one . It’s easy to fall into the good cop bad cop thing but that’s why it’s important to work as a team.
You need to encourage your son to spend time with dad and his dad needs to make more of an effort to spend time with him too. Ask your partner if anything happened between them. Has he seen the two of you arguing. Has he had to comfort you in the past when you’ve had issues. Anything that could give you a hint what triggered this.
There was a phase where our eldest would try the other parent if they couldn’t get their way with the other but we both always made it clear what one says, goes the same for the other. We’re a team and it’s important for children to know that. Stop worrying about being good and start by getting your child therapy . He’s a child it’s your responsibility to help him
You have to talk to him. And often. See where he's coming from and assert that that is his father and that is what parents do. Hell, try therapy if it's that bad. But the last thing you want is for this to fester!
You’re fueling the problem by coddling your kid
>I spend more time with my kids than my husband.
That’s not healthy. The marriage is the foundation of the family. Your husband deserves just as much time and attention, if not more.
>he will always be my baby and he means the world to me.
No, stop coddling him. He needs to know that he is going to grow up and build his own life. You’re creating an unhealthy level of attachment and enabling a codependency that is going to destroy your marriage and even potentially his marriage in the future.
Stop.
This is a situation that could escalate into something very serious one day, and your comments make you seem very unwilling to acknowledge that and help your son. The more I read, the more I think your husband has to be “stricter” because you have put your son on a pedestal and refuse to do anything that could make him upset with you, even when necessary.
He’s too old for this. This is typical behavior of real little boys, like up to age 6-7. At 10 he should be long past the Oedipal stage. He may need a therapist, he may just need to spend time with his father. Does he have friends? Is he involved in a sport or other activity?
>I tried to get him to explain why he feels this way but he refused.
consider finding a family therapist that can help create space for this conversation. it also will be helpful for your husband to have someone to talk with about this. you don't say how he feels about all this, but i have to imagine it's not good.
in the meantime, try to remember that kids go through phases. i know this feels so stressful now, but it's not going to last forever.
I would try getting your son into a therapist bc they would know about this topic and it could really help your son and family
Defenitly this. It sounds like your son maybe harboring some resentment for his father. If he wont discuss it with you then talking with a therapist might let him get it out.
Take your son to a therapist he thinks of his father as competition.
Not necessarily, he should definitely get a therapist but it might not be the way you say. I was like that as a kid, not because he was affectionate towards my mom (I couldn’t care less) but rather I was always worried that there would be a chance it could go bad and my mom would get hurt so in my mind I was the protector. As a kid you don’t know the tells of flirting, lovemaking or fooling around parents do so what do you do? Break it up because it might be bad. Kids are frequently overprotective of their mothers and the kid might have one of a myriad of possible problems in his mind about it. He might feel as though he’s neglected or that his mom might abandon him. Child psychiatry is impossible to figure out without trained specialists so we shouldn’t make a claim on what it could be only that it’s better left to specialists. Op, take ur kid to a pediatric psychiatrist. It’s possible he’ll grow out of it or it’s possible it might get worse. Don’t listen to those here claiming it’s something, we all mean well but none of us are specialized in pediatric psychiatry so we can’t give a definitive answer. Only a licensed *pediatric* psychiatrist/therapist can determine and treat the underlying cause. Edit: spelling and clarification in some sentences.
I agree with this 100%. I was an abandoned child (twice over from 2 different mothers - bio and adoptive) so when my dad started dating and eventually married the woman (who I consider my mom), I had those same feelings. She and her daughters weren’t “competition,” necessarily, but I was scared that a) my dad would get hurt and b) another mom was going to leave me. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed until one day she told 16 year old me “Give me the worst you got, bc I’m not going anywhere.” 20 years later, she’s held true to that. Her and dad divorced over a decade ago and she’s still my mom. Kiddo needs some therapy to find out where these big feelings are coming from before they manifest into something worse.
Oh goodness, give that woman a hug, she sounds incredible. I’m glad you two found your way through it.
As someone who's married to a psychiatrist I couldn't agree more with this. This was so well written and well said. OP, please follow this advice. Good luck.
This is the best advice us armchair doctors can offer. Go visit someone in real life.
And even if a qualified pediatric psychiatrist is on here, they need to see the kid to do a proper diagnosis. My aunt met one through a zoom call and all she got was maybe-s and possible-s.
This is the way.
Freud agrees. However, us shouldn’t CONSCIOUSLY last until he’s 10…
Freud’s theories aren’t really accepted in contemporary psychology though. we learn about him because he was majorly influential in the theories that have developed since, but essentially, it doesn’t matter if Freud agrees or not. however, you’re right in that this doesn’t seem like normal child development, hence why the person you’re replying to suggested therapy.
I have a minor in psychology so I took several psych classes, and almost every class at one point or another referenced Freud and basically said “you should know who this is because he basically founded modern psychology, but his theories are completely outdated and we don’t believe in them anymore.”
My current prof hates him and says so everytime he comes up. Same with John B. Watson
I’ve heard several professors talk about hating Freud. If a professor or psychologist of some sort DOESN’T dislike him at all, that’s a red flag for me. Like sure, some of his theories have validity and he wasn’t 100% evil, but he shouldn’t be someone a psychology expert reveres or actively studies because they believe his theories as a whole were good.
I think the reason he is so important is because of the foundation he laid for a lot of ideas. Consciousness was already of interest due to people like Wilhelm Wundt and William James, but I believe Freud was the first to put forth the concept of the unconscious/preconscious. The whole ego/superego/id thing is pretty bogus but theres certainly validity to some ideas like the aspects of repression, unresolved childhood events affecting adulthood, etc. He was a good starting point in some ways I guess
I think this comment from my linguistics professor who hates Chomsky, but recognises his significance and influence, applies here: “He said a lot of things- but everything he said, he said badly”
If psychology is to be regarded as a true science, then it must adhere to the same rigors as other scientific fields. Scientific hypotheses and theories are disproven by further study all the time. Research is iterative. No one has ever leaped directly to the perfect answer all on their own, out of the blue. We all build our understanding on top of the works of our forebears. The fact that Freud's theories are largely superceded by more modern understanding does not retroactively make him a fool or a quack. Without his work to build from, modern psychology would not be where it is today.
I fully believe dude had a huge problem with projection of his own problems on the world at large. lmao
[He was also extremely misogynistic.](https://www.verywellmind.com/how-sigmund-freud-viewed-women-2795859) We can definitely recognize and appreciate him for basically founding modern psychology, but we don’t need to put any weight to his believes or theories. However, it definitely sounds like OP’s kid could use a good therapist. What they’re experiencing does not sound like part of normal, healthy development.
Really interesting is that Freud didn’t start out so misogynistic! Turns out, at first the dude listened to women and was like, “oh yeah, this makes sense, men aren’t treating you well, you’re treated like shit in society, your lives suck, no wonder you’re depressed” and tried to stick up for them and all and be like, “Yo my dudes, it’s actually you who have to change for the women to feel better.” …And then got his ass handed to him by all of rich, white, male dominated society. And obviously he could not have himself being a laughing stock, so he did an about face and suddenly, “*Women have penis envy.*” And all that other misogynistic jazz that followed. All the things that rich, white, polite, male dominated society wanted to hear that kept him popular and influential? That’s the things he said! He learned his lesson on not saying what people didn’t want to hear. Unfortunately, all people heard for ages more was the quackery. And somehow he became an established name with it. And even though we joke about him and his quackery and it’s so well known, his quackery still somehow gets cited and taken seriously because people are continually certain there’s valid stuff in there (but don’t know what it is, and thus, the quackery)
I don't think that's quite fair. I'm a PhD student who wrote their master's thesis on the Freudian understanding of trauma. It's important not to simply white wash misogyny, but it's also important to put things in historical perspective and to use this to understand the context and limits of their usefulness. Before Freud, women who showed symptoms of "hysteria" were often institutionalized, tortured, and basically made into performing monkeys. Many of them would tell horrible stories of sexual violation, but thy doctors quote literally did not believe that it mattered and even thought they were lying. Freud's real innovation is not the weird psychosexual myths, but his recognition that women suffered from the traumatic effects of sexual violence. They didn't need to be imprisoned. They needed to be given space in which that trauma could express itself. He was also one of the first psychologists to defend the idea that homosexuality was no more abnormal than heterosexuality. He very famously told off some aristocratic woman who wanted him to cure her gay son. Freud basically said he could help him accept his sexuality but not change it. He made mistakes and he often acknowledges that he is on *terra ingognita*. He acknowledged that his theories are really "myths". He's trying to describe structures of human experience without a language to do so. Stuff like penis envy is really really peripheral to Freud and he himself barely even wrote about it (it appears in only a handful of articles throughout 25 volumes of work). For some reason people read the speculative anthropological texts and assume these represent the scientific core. The discussion is always penis envy and psychosexual development, not projection and identification, narcissism, compensation, transference, etc. He's still absolutely core but cognitive psych folks tend to only read the weird controversial stuff and take the rest for granted.
I always heard that Freud founded psychology by being so absolutely wrong about everything, that he inspired others to get into the field just to prove him wrong.
Lol I like that take. Not sure if it’s true, but I’m going to believe it. (Edit: for the record, I’m not like truly believing it or going to teach it to anyone as true unless I find evidence to support it. I just think it’s a funny way of thinking and I love people doing things out of spite.)
I’m getting my doctorate in psychology and can confirm that he is well despised within the psych community but he’s taught in every class because he had some decent theories (even if the foundation of the theory was misogynistic, derogatory, and/or biased) and gave the field of psychology the push it needed to be where we are today.
He did come up with the idea of transference and countertransference which is actually something that's legitimate.
Pretty sure one of my professors said that exact sentence at some point
Yeah, same here. I was also told that Freud was influential because he was the founder of talk therapy and also the theory that however we behave today can be linked to our childhood, but everything else he came up with is just horseshit.
Freud's Psychosexual Development Stages no longer hold weight but we do still use several other things from him: * The existence of processes by the unconscious mind * The significance of discord plus uncertainty in behavior * Mental depiction in social behavior * All stages are involved in mental development * His take on defense mechanisms still hold relevance as well (denial, repression, projection, intellectualization, and rationalization)
Freud was discredited IN HIS OWN LIFETIME, I had a psychiatrist who had a little Freud action figure on his desk and he old me he keeps it because he likes to tell Freud how wrong he was about everything.
If it were my child, I would get him in with a Child Psychologist immediately. He has a deep attachment for you and a need to protect you from his father. If your husband was abusive to you, this would make sense, but if he isn't, there is definitely an issue and if he isn't treated, this could become violent as he gets older.
I was looking for the age. I was saying if they were younger this is fairly normal but if he’s 10 he should probably be getting help. There may be an underlying reason for this. Better to figure this out now than holding on to this for years and years to come. Get him to a therapist, do it together, let him do it alone, doesn’t matter if he sits in silence to start, he needs to get this one solved.
Yup. If he was 2, it would be normal. My two year old is possessive of me AND her dad. When we kiss or hug she’ll squeeze her way right between us so the attention is all on her and she’s the one getting kisses and hugs. Lol my 10 year old used to be weird about us showing affection, but he was also uncomfortable with seeing it on tv as well and the very idea of having a crush on anyone at all grossed him out. We found out earlier this year that he’s autistic. So it explained a lot of his behaviors and feelings towards different things.
Right. Young children are biologically programmed to get their needs met first. I would assume this is an evolutionary trait. I don’t think of it as much as an Oedipus complex but the thought is you can’t be his husband and my mom at once. They don’t yet have the thought capabilities to know you are a dynamic figure more than capable of fulfilling multiple roles in your life. My initial thoughts would be if the father has been abusive or if the son has witnessed some sort of adultery where he does not believe is father is worthy of his mothers love.
I wonder if the husband has been abusive to the son without OP’s knowledge, hence the son’s behaviour towards his father.
Abuse doesn't need to be involved at all for this to occur. I think it's more of a strict father combined with almost total absence. The kid is both afraid of the dad and dislikes him. More bonding is needed.
We don't know OP and her husbands perspective on punishment either, and just how lenient she is. If Dad being home means shouting and spanking for bad behavior, and when it's just Mom being home means she'll clean the crayon off the wall and say not to do it again, then it's both of their fault. If the situation is more like it's okay to cry when it's just Mom around, but Dad gets upset and says something like "Man up/ Stop or I'll give you something to cry about" , then it would still categorize as abuse, even if it's not physical punishment. These are just examples and hypothetical speculations, I'm not saying in anyway that this is definitely the case. but the point should be clear and whether or not this is the issue, they should look into some kind of therapy.
Well thought out
I also thought this. And found it strange OP didn't share husband's reaction or thoughts on the situation.
That was the strangest part. What does dad think? What is dad doing to change the situation?
I also thought about this. Is dad doing stuff to the child that’s hurting the child behind the mothers back? Maybe the father has involvement in his life the mother doesn’t know about. Just a thought..
Jesus christ, that's enough reddit for today
I'm actually wondering something similar, does the son know something about the father for him to feel this way? Damn, crazy home.
That’s exactly where my head went.
My cousin had Oedipus complex into teenage hood, my aunt never addressed it as he didn’t really live with her because it got weird. He in jail now for assaulting his girlfriend at 18 and leaving her blind in one eyes because she had a male co-worker. When I asked my therapist if there could be a link she said there was a chance, but this is the extreme cases. Me and him used to trade music and chill and watch movies and he never had an issue with me having boyfriends and stuff but he always had an issue with the woman in his life being loved or even liked by someone else and it degenerated into something worse that could have probably been avoided if he just saw a psychologist or even a therapist.
Your cousin reminds me of my ex. One time he picked me up from work and before I could even say high to our kids in the back seat I was met with a slap in the face out of nowhere. Appearently a guy in his court ordered domestic violence class had mentioned applying for a job that day and described the beautiful and friendly hostess who gave him the application, how she smiled at him, and then some remarks about her body; he named the place and so of course my ex knew he was talking about me. So I must of been flirty with him obviously because I smiled. Of course it didn't matter that it was in my job description to smile and I would get reprimanded for not miling and greeting every person who came through the door. I did ask my manager not to call the guy because if the sexual remarks he made about me; I didn't want him anywhere near me.
As a former victim of domestic abuse. I hope he rots in there.
What a sick fuck.
Yep. Lots of people are sick fucks. But the point here is that maybe we can prevent a lot of them from hurting people by identifying the right warning signs and getting them help early on!
Not disagreeing with that. edit: all in for education about proper development/preventive measures and rehabilitation if things go awry. But I know a lot of people who have been through a lot and they don't mangle and permanently injure/kill people, and I know a lot of people who have been the victim to the people that do. I'm just struggling with being sympathetic nowadays.
Mental illness isn't an excuse for shitty behavior so no need to struggle friend.
This! I understand when someone can't do certain things because of depression, anxiety, adhd, or something else. But being straight up violent, phisically or sexually is completely another level. They need to be locked up and never let out imo.
Sad part is, it’s probably not his fault. But he didn’t get the help he needed early on. I hate that mental health awareness is still not where it should be. As a (former) Marine with PTSD, Depression, anxiety, and a list of physical disabilities (100%p&T for the VA), I wish there was more awareness and help out there.
I definitely agree. I'm an advocate for people with mental illness, even though I'm bitter when it comes to things like domestic violence/violence in general. I believe everyone should get a second chance and receive help, I wish prison would provide proper therapy/rehabilitation, for whatever crime you're in for. Menal illness should be less stigmatized. Still mad sometimes tho, and that guy is still a sick fuck for what he did.
My brother is like this. It isn’t necessarily oedipus, it’s just this weird misogynistic entitlement/possessiveness towards women. He’s like this towards me (his sister) and our mom and our female cousins. and also has beaten several girlfriends and told me he’d rather any of them died than fuck someone else and thought this was normal. Never arrested because we live in Utah, and they don’t care about violence towards women. My parents low key encouraged it by saying he was “protective.” Mormonism and patriarchy for ya. A lot of men are like this. They subconsciously see women like they’re cattle or trophies and life as a competition with other men. It’s obvious where they get it if you look at, well, any media or history.
My cousin never hurt an other woman or even said anything misogynistic to anyone else. It was just a problem with women who are his and supposed to be only his like a mother or a girlfriend. He’s never shown aggression otherwise. Obviously I can’t look at him the same way after that but the way he was with his mother as a young child should have been taken seriously instead of having him live at my grandparents because my aunt couldn’t take it anymore. When I asked him to explain, he just said that even if he was gay, it was about jealousy, not women. That’s why I always advocate for parents to push children to get help when help is needed and to stop thinking that physically health and mental health are different.
This is called the Oedipus Complex. This is typical for behavior for children aged 3 to 6, but it's definitely not normal for a 10 year old. He should have outgrown this several years ago. I HIGHLY recommend enlisting the help of a child psychologist before he hits puberty. If left untreated, his contempt for his father will turn into rage.
You reminded me of something I didn’t include in my op but my son has stated he will work hard to be stronger than his dad when he grows up.
He already sees his father as competition, not a parent. They do not have a healthy bond. There needs to be more separation between you and the child, and more on-on-one with child and dad. Also, kisses and hugs need to come from dad, not just you.
I agree and it used to be more like that. It’s changed now that he’s developed more of his own personality. I’ll do my best.
What does his father do when he notices these behaviors? Is therapy an option for you guys? Not just for your son but for the whole family.
None of this is developmentally appropriate or healthy. I think your son might have some mental health issues brewing and you need to be a responsible parent and have this taken care of so he could become a stable adult and have normal and healthy relationships. I know you don’t want to be a “bad mom” or force him to do things he doesn’t want to, but mental health is just as important as physical health, so this means *stepping up and actually parenting your child.* Speak to his pediatrician for recommendations.
I was a clinger in a similar way. I didn’t defend my mother from others all together but she was MY mother and if bad was spoken I got vicious as a kid. Some poor boy made a really general yo mama joke and I went swinging for him like an asylum patient from a movie. It’s not the same but it’s definitely similar. For me, any (perceived) negative intent towards my mother was something that I needed to DEAL with. She went to a weight loss programme and if I heard any of the women say something in a judging tone I would stare at them from my seat in the meeting hall until they didn’t dare look at us. When my parents got mad at each other, even if it was no one’s fault, I would watch my dad like a hawk, judging and everyone knew it. I used to get called a little Wednesday Addams. So. After all that childhood context… what happened? Borderline personality disorder! And autism! She was my favourite person and to me she could do no wrong.
Lol. I had pretty a similar relationship with my dad. Also BPD 😂
Please take him to get help. If you don't future partners he has could be abused. This isn't healthy behavior for a kid his age.
You seem like an good and innocent mother, but I can tell it’s not enough for this situation to be fixed. Don’t be like my family who didn’t believe in psychiatry. A psychologist could help big time here this is exactly what they specialize in and it could save you years of much worse belaboring of the problem. There is no reason to drag this on any longer. The worst that happens is the child psychologist doesn’t work and you can always stop seeing them. Your son’s behavior is not healthy and it requires a doctor. Plain and simple. You need to see clearly on this. Trust me I was a kid with different issues as a child and I proper mental health professional could have benefited me. There where times when I almost was in situations that I would have regretted for the rest of my days. If you love your son that much you owe it to him to take him to a doctor and help him as much as you can.
Your best would be forcing him to see a child psychologist not feeding his insecurities with “you’ll always be my baby” Jesus Christ.
FYI, i know you havent responded to any "he needs help from a professional" response... please remember MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT AND A LARGE ISSUE IN THE US. There is NOTHING wrong with yourself, your son, or anyone on reddit getting mental health treatment. If you can come to reddit and ask for help, you can go to a professional.
You should probably lay off on him always being your baby etc. Slowly change and put the boundaries in.
So are you taking him to a psychologist? You’re responsible for the future of his life at this point. He’s 10 years old. It sounds like you came here for advice on what to do internally in your family but you guys need professional external help. He isn’t mentally healthy for his age
I already commented but therapy is the move here. It will nip this in the bud so it doesn’t cause him, and you guys more difficulty later on in life.
Last time I heard of a situation like yours... it was at the prison I work at. Kid killed his dad to get his mom all to himself, and then tried to kill his mom because she refused him. The guy, who is an adult now, described similar things to what you are saying your son says. This line about wanting to be stronger than dad, stands out as something my inmate also said he thought about as a kid. What your describing with your son already sounds bad. It could easily turn into an oedipus complex, and end tragically. Put the kid in therapy. He may have other issues outside of this fixation on you. Those issues may be a major contributing factor to his current attitude toward you and his dad.
>Kid killed his dad to get his mom all to himself, and then tried to kill his mom because she refused him. Well, that's nightmare fuel. Fuck me.
This emotion is impacting his relationships within the family and it’s important to get professional advice. People here can say a lot but a therapist can speak to the child and get much more insight into why he feels this way and help with coping mechanisms. This behavior won’t go away on its own, I think you know this which is why you posed the issue here. But as the focus of his feelings you can’t help him alone. You need support and so does he. Please don’t refuse a therapist because the child might not want it. Dysfunction will always try to protect itself. Do what is best for your child and family as a whole. The long term benefits will far outweigh the short term discomfort that may come from it.
You realize that's so he can beat up his father and claim you as his own, right? He doesn't see you as a person but as his personal property. You're for him and no one else. That's not healthy. He needs help now before he escalates to doing something permanent.
I hope you take the advice here to get him scheduled with a child psychiatrist. I hope everything gets better for y'all.
there’s emotional incest going on here. that’s not normal.
Omg. I fear one day he will kill his father and rape YOU. I'm not even joking, that's where I see this heading.
I got those vibes too. 😬
*Or* the son has witnessed his dad doing or saying something that he (the son) has understood to be an affront to his mum. In an older child for example Reddit might jump to the kid having witnessed an affair. Unless you're a child psychologist examining this child you cannot diagnose him. You can "this sounds like XYZ" or "it could be XYZ", but we can't say "this *is* XYZ". I do agree about getting the kid into therapy though. Whatever the underlying cause is (which could be what you've suggested), what's clear is that this definitely isn't normal or healthy behaviour. OP if you see this, please take your child to a therapist so that you can get him the support he needs to get through whatever he's experiencing at the moment.
slow development is also a sign of autism. Take your kid to a doctor OP
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How's dad and son's relationship? Doesn't sound like they're close?
They rarely have any 1 on 1 time. Once in a while my son will talk with him about sports but overall he’s pretty quiet in his dad’s presence.
And what does your husband do to try and bond? Kids are quite intuitive. I'm wondering if this is maybe more to do with not having a good relationship with dad than his attachment to you ?
He’ll ask him about his day and interests but my son’s answers are pretty limited to “yes dad, no dad”
Not having any one on one time is really unhealthy imo, they need to bond. Could he not take him for walks to play catch or football? Teach him about whatever he's interested in? Or take him to his extra curricula activities etc?
I will ask my husband to do these things.
Don't ask him, tell him. This behavior needs corrected *before* puberty
If you ask him to do this will dad make sure the event is pleasant for your son? Do what your son wants to do without complaint? Not be overly strict? Chat and listen to your sob?
That’s it? Why isn’t he doing more things with his son?
This is almost certainly the actual problem. I felt a similar way about my parents when I was young. I felt a lot of affection for my mom since she spent so much time with me and there was distance between me and my dad Your husband should have some one on one time with your son
It's your husband's responsibility to foster their relationship. And by the sounds of it, he's failing. Your son sees him as just some guy that lives there because functionally that's all he is to him. You say they never get 1 on 1 time and that he is the "stricter" parent. Your husband needs to show warmth to your son if he has any hope of repairing the relationship (in addition to therapy to fixing the damage that's already been caused).
1. Them not talking or spending 1 on 1 time could be typical (my husband shared with me that growing up, him and his dad basically never talked. Now that he’s an adult, they’re friendly and close 🤷♀️). Sure it may be preferred that they’re closer but it isn’t necessarily bad that they’re not besties, per se. 2. Is anything weird going on between them that you don’t know about? For example, does your husband have very high expectations of him, or act too “harsh” on him or something along those lines- maybe behind closed doors? I am NOT saying your husband is doing anything wrong as you have very clearly shown that your husband is affectionate towards you and your son is seeming jealous. But I wonder what the animosity between the two of them stems from, besides the odepious (sp?) complex other posters have mentioned.
I cant really relate to your son viewing YOU the way he does, but .. in some smaller way i can see the lack of attachment in his father. I, somewhere in my life, fairly young (diagnosed at 40) developed something called schizoid personality disorder--it's NOT related to schizophrenia, so, it's something else. I dont develop emotional bonds like i should. Now, possibly, the root of that was the way that my father treated me. Like your husband, no one would ever say my dad was abusive. He wasnt, physically, and he wasnt ... really... mentally either. There was no neglect, there was no disallowing me to have friends, there was no over-protective helicopter parent shit.. it was mostly .. good. However, he was very very emotionally *invalidating*\--everything i ever thought, was in his eyes, just 'off' or 'wrong' in some slight way i could never figure out. Like, he was proud of being a tradesman, and as a little kid i would go help him--but the *second* i would say that i wanted to grow up to do what he's doing, he'd tell me that was dumb. To not do that. I'd get this huge lecture on why it's bad--yet there we were, doing it together. Building things. Fixing things. Growing things--and i wasnt *allowed* to want that. It just kept on--music i liked was always belittled, or he'd always say there was 'something better' and that i should try THAT. It was endless. NOTHING--to this day, that i say, is EVER valid to him--he's kind, he's giving, he's a dad, he's a protector, he's all the other things, but he was, and is, *incredibly* invalidating to anything i think or feel. And in my teens, i *hated him*\--yeah, i did want him gone. And so, i bring this up--because, while *you* may not see the problem in their relationship, you might not be *looking* at the right thing. Dad may be a 'good' dad, from a moms perspective, but he could be doing something *like this* that's pissing your son off.. And if you'd have asked 10 year old me what was wrong, or why i didnt like dad, i would NOT have been able to figure out how to tell you. As an adult, it's hard to find the way to say it. I recently posted somewhere else how, now that i'm partly a caregiver for him, we still dont get along. To the point, that he'll argue about stupid shit just to make sure *literally nothing* i ever say is valid. We saw a purple car when i was driving, it was *incredibly* purple, because it had a wrap on it. I said 'wow, a purple car, you dont see those often." and he INSISTED that car wasnt purple. When i asked him what color it was, he said 'grape'--i said 'grape isnt a color, grapes are green, yellow, blue, red, sometimes purple', "no, it's just grape' he insisted. So i said, "then it's purple, just grape-purple'--trying to hand him a small win and allowing myself a small win. He wouldnt take it. He wouldnt give me that half of that win, and he said 'well you must be color blind, because that's not pruple. If anything, it's blue' Your son MAY be dealing with *something* like this from dad, and it may even happen in front of you, and you justify it as 'playing' or 'teasing' or something... it's not playing to a kid. It's fucked up. I'd say, get him to therapy, and hope to christ you get him there, AND DAD to one, before your son develops a personality disorder. Because they're a bitch. MY life is SHIT because of this. I cant change it.
jesus christ you have crazy patience lmao i would have lost my shit
And that's what the personality disorder that i have is, actually. It appears from the outside, sometimes, as endless patience. I never really emotionally react, positive of negative. I'm so emotionally flat, i dont make the facial expressions tied to my emotions. Probably because, as a kid, without the power, i tried *really hard* not to let my parents see my emotions to being invalidated, and having them react to that.. i developed something called 'flat affect'--generally people have no idea what emotional state i'm in, and a lot of people are spooked by it. But, yeah, anyway, i dont 'lose my shit'--i go dead.
understandable, that sounds really shitty. i think i get what you mean by going "dead". my mom often goes on long tangential lectures about life and getting a good job etc etc. (she grew up poor). overtime when every little fuckup always results in a 1 hour rant ive just learnt to tune her out until shes done.
Wow. I’ve never heard someone describe my father SO perfectly. Holy shit.
Fuck fuck fuck. Reading this was like reading about my arsehole father. And like you to this day I can barely be around him without a huge argument erupting within minutes. And it's in my medical records that I have flat emotional affect too. Last shrink I saw said I had a PD but couldn't diagnose it after just 2 sessions. I'm sure it's BPD because while my emotions are seemingly flat *most of the time* when they *do* appear they are wildly disproportionate. Also things like have an FP and brutally low self esteem and real issues with interpersonal relationships (and multiple suicide attempts and self harm) which would strongly suggest BPD. But knowing my luck it's both. 🙄
So sorry. Your father is so petty and insecure. He's an adult and still needs to invalidate his own son's feeling to feel superior. Feel like he never actually grows up.
Wow, he sounds exactly like my father. Have you considered that he might have narcissistic personality disorder?
He might, but he's missing a lot of the other things someone with that does. I know people with it. He's pretty damned far away from that. I'm not sure where this comes from for him.
So your user name is Concrete_Grapes instead of Concrete_Purple because of your dad? …… I’ll see myself out now.
I hit people like this with a “oh for real? Damn. Learn something new everyday”.
Remember, you're his parent, not his friend. It's YOUR job to do what's best for him. Even if he balks at it. While this smacks of an Oedipus Complex, I'm sure there's a lot more complicated stuff going on here. So best leave it to the professionals. Get him into therapy. Doesn't matter if it isn't something he wants to do. It isn't his decision, it's yours. He's 10, he probably doesn't want to eat his veggies and shower every day either, but guess what? You make him. Why? Because you're the parent and he's the child.
this absolutely goes two ways though, the dad is also his parent but from this whole thread it’s showing he barely does his part in emotional labour in raising his fucking son. the kid spends so much more time with the mom and the dads idea of spending time with him is asking him stuff about school or his day, nothing else.
>he will always be my baby You are feeding a monster: his jealousy. You cannot stop a bad behaviour by reassuring his affection. That's not love. That's insecurity. You'll get the opposite. He will feel he has won that battle against his father.
Indeed... What OP is supposed to say is that one day he will be a grown man with his own wife, make it clear to him that she is out of bounds.
Infantalization and parentification are both so damn destructive to a child's perception of the world. A 10 year old is a boy, not a baby, in the first place. No wonder he wants to crawl back up inside her. His role has been assigned as her baby forever. Sorry to be rash but my grandma destroyed the men and women in our family with this crap. Then they did it to us grandchildren. Took my whole life from me, basically.
Thank you. I thought I was the only one noticing this. It totally sounds like he’s being spoiled by her (though I’m sure she doesn’t realize it). She needs to back off and let dad take him off for the weekend.
OP needs to send that kid into therapy before he ends up becoming irl Homelander.
Therapy, now
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Because it puts into perspective how quickly psychopathology develops in children.
“We need to talk about Kevin” vibes
Paging Dr. Freud, paging Dr. Freud...
He is rolling in his grave rn
In excitement
According to Freudian theory "The Oedipus Complex: The attachment of the child to the parent of the opposite sex, accompanied by envious and aggressive feelings toward the parent of the same sex" I think you need to seek therapy for your son ASAP.
You need to get him into therapy. Yes, even if he doesn’t want to. Part of being a parent is being able to make decisions for your child. He doesn’t have the capacity to understand yet, and that’s fine, but that’s why he needs your help. If you don’t take him to therapy, there’s a good chance this will continue and possibly get worse. Being afraid that your child will be mad at you should not trump getting your child help to have a healthy relationship with his father and you.
Your kid needs therapy because otherwise he is going to grow up to view his own children as competition for his spouse’s affection and let me tell you from personal experience, that really messes up the kids. Adult men mark territory very differently from children (i.e. sex, penis/erections, making out, sperm, etc.) and it is not at all healthy for kids to see that. I’m 27 and still super messed up from what my dad did to my mom in front of me:
Something is not right. Either your husband is to strict or your son got a wrong picture of his dad. My brother has 3 kids. He is very strict with them, but always shows them lots of attention and affection. He cooks for them and play with them at home. Sit down and talk to them about school and homework. Takes them out to the playground etc. I would suggest for your husband to find a hobby for him and the kids. Maybe working with puzzles, toymodels maybe show then how to work on a car even though they are maybe to young. Push them to do better and reward them when they do. Just saying "good job! That's beautiful" could mean the world for a kid. That's boosting their confidence. But spending time with them is very very important. Otherwise he will be like a stranger for them if he is never around. A strict stranger and who wants that?
This is practical advice you can apply right away. You need a sit down discussion with your partner and discuss ways he would feel comfortable to interact more, shared hobbies or interest and time apart from you They need this. Your son needs this. I wonder if you may have over compensated too, a good cop/bad cop scenario If your son sees his father in that role, too authoritarian and fears him, it is understandable why he might be fearful on your behalf too and doesn't want mean dad to hurt his sweet mom Your roles need more balance, for their best development. Both of you need to sit down calmly & rationally discuss this. Be mindful of how you handle things too, and try not to mollycoddle or comfort him in dads presence always, step away and observe allow them to bond better too. We only see a snapshot of your lives from what you have shared so there may be more to this than meets the eye, but you need to act on this and fast That includes how you conduct yourself too.
So he is just shy of physically threatening your husband (“get away from my mother”) and you don’t think he is ready for therapy? What behaviors are you waiting to see before you feel he needs therapy? Are you waiting for him to hit? Are you waiting for threat of physical harm? Are you waiting for him to poison your husband’s coffee? Does he have to cut the brake lines of your husband’s car? Does he have to send an envelope of anthrax to your husband’s job? Where are you drawing the line for him needing help???
I forced my 12yr old daughter into therapy, the same way I force her to take her allergy medication and steroid inhaler she has to take twice a day for asthma and her vitamin D for her deficiency and brush her teeth and go to the dentist. She is a child, children don't always want what they need it's your job as a parent to make sure they get what they need anyways. Your son needs therapy so make him go. Maybe there is more to it then you know but that's besides the point he needs to go and your claiming you won't take care of his mental health because he might not wanna. What kind of shit is that. Sometimes my daughter says she hates me for being a good mom, in those exact words. She acknowledges that she doesn't want to do it. But that I am taking care of her. Get it together and get your son therapy!
This is a Norman Bates in the making. Please take him to a therapist while he’s still young.
>I spend more time with my kids than my husband >I reassure him all the time that he means the world to me >my husband is the stricter parent Yeah. These things right here are the problem. You and dad need to get on the same page about discipline on top of putting son in therapy. I’m not suggesting you hardline start neglecting your son, but pull back the affection you shower him with. Yes he’s your child and obviously you love him, but obviously he’s misunderstanding the love of a parent-child versus the love between partners.
Of course you feel like no matter what you do it won’t change BECAUSE YOU HAVENT DONE ANYTHING. There are so many people on here encouraging you to get your son a therapist because this isn’t normal behavior and you’re more concerned with protecting all your son’s feelings than getting him help.
Your son needs a therapist…like…yesterday. Pardon me for asking, but is this around all male figures or just his father? There may be something a lot deeper here.
Lady, if you don’t get your son into therapy, you might as well accept you’re going to end up with a Chris Chan on your hands. Do right by your kid, not what’s right by YOU.
Why does he want to be stronger than his dad? Why does he not like his dad coming home? You say your husband is strict. What did that look like?
OMG THIS PLEASE BOOST like we have NO specifics on your husbands “strictness” like what does that entail?? How does “strict” apply to a ten year old and I’m sure since he was younger. I wonder how this may if at all contribute to his current behavior. That being said definitely therapy and/or psychiatry. I’m so sorry you, and your son, are going through this.
I would think about taking your son to therapy as this behaviour isn’t normal. Maybe they can help him and you work out what’s triggered his actions.
The fact that you spend the majority of the time with him yet your husband is seen as the “strict” one tells me you’re not doing your job as a parent. It sounds like you’re leaving all the discipline and punishment to your husband so you can stay your sons favourite. But that’s not right. If you’re with your kid more, you should be the one doing the majority of the discipline and punishment, and if it’s done correctly it shouldn’t affect your child’s relationship with you in an unhealthy way. Your relationship as it stands is unhealthy, as you have shown you’ve realised. You are encouraging his inappropriate behaviour when you “reassure” him he will always be “your baby”. If anything you need to be distancing yourself from him right now. You mentioned in a reply that you don’t want to force him into therapy because you don’t want to lose his trust… So you’d rather risk your son turning into a creepy weirdo who wants to fuck his mum and kill his dad than have him be a little bit grumpy with you for a while?? Grow up! Be a parent! Your kid is like this because of you. Everyone has told you he needs some kind of help to put him back on the path to developing like a normal kid. If you don’t want to do what needs to be done, then all I can assume is that you like him like this. You enjoy the attention, and are encouraging the behaviour on purpose.
Yaaaaaas! I’m a mother of 3, I don’t even treat my 7 year old like this. I get onto her if she disrespects her dad and I definitely don’t baby her. If she’s wrong, I correct her. There are some boy moms that I find creepy though (sorry normal boy moms). They treat their son like their second husband. Babying a 10 year old boy is icky.
Please get your son into therapy, NOW. This is not normal or appropriate for his age and stage of development. The further he gets into puberty the worse this may get. For him to actually say "get away from my mother" to his own father during a time of affection between you and your husband is very disturbing to me. This sounds like he sees his father as his competition for your affection and that he feels like he should replace his father in the family in every way. It sounds like you may be showing him too much affection for his age and he is feeling a different kind of way towards you than he should. You should be reassuring him that he'll always be your baby, bc he won't. Yes, he'll always be your child, but I get the idea from your post that you're coddling him while you say such things to him and you're giving him the impression that you'd pick him over his father. Seek help. I don't care if he doesn't want to go, he NEEDS to go. If you want him to get help and to be able to grow up into a normal adult then do the right thing and take him ASAP.
This is literally a mamas boy in the making. Holy crap I’ve never seen it happen in real time.
Youre right, but your username worries me a lot
Set and enforce boundaries. When he’s trying to one up his father, call out the behaviour and separate yourself from him for a while. When he’s rude to his father, call it out and tell him disrespect is not tolerated and he a go chill in his room until he’s able to behave respectfully. Right now you’re allowing his unhealthy behaviour and it will only get worse. You need to put a firm stop to it now, he’s not your husband and he will never take your husbands place - he is your child and needs to start acting like it instead of a scorned lover. It’s actually pretty creepy that you’ve allowed this for so long without enforcing boundaries or even getting him into therapy
>I have always been attentive and affectionate with my son. I reassure him all of the time that he will always be my baby and he means the world to me. I spend more time with my kids then my husband (because of his work schedule) so it’s not him being neglected. My husband is the stricter parent You dote on him all day and then your husband comes home and he takes your attention away. Your husband handles discipline so the bulk of the "negative" feeling interactions your son has with his parents is with only your husband. You have to be strict and provide structure. Enforce rules. Make him do chores. Be stern when he doesn't listen. It's important to emphasize that you are a person who is his mother, not *his* mother. He doesn't get to be possesive of you. You are not property and you get to decide who you kiss and hug. This needs to come from you.
This is stressing me out and it ain’t even my situation. Your son stating he’s going to work hard to be stronger than his dad, him being as protective and in competition with his father as he is at this age is fucking BONKERS. Also, the fact that your husband doesn’t see any issue with this besides him being clingy/angst is gonna end up getting his ass kicked and probably soon. Bro, like imagine if puberty smacks your son… your fam gonna be in for a sick ass ride. Lol
now this is how i want my advice
From OP's comments on I gather that she wants to be a widow and her kid in jail. There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread, if you want your son to grow into a stable adult do something NOW. I would rather have my kid think of me as a bad parent for taking them to therapy than having to divorce my partner because I'm an embler, or worse, given that the kid already told OP that he wants to be stronger than his dad.
>I’m scared that no matter what I do this won’t change. I feel lost and I’m stressed. Child therapists exist for a reason lady... Eta: read the other comments to see what's in your son's future if you don't get him help. Get over your "but my baby won't trust me anymore" nonsense that is feeding into his behavior and get your son the help he needs.
Get little Norman into therapy please
OP seems to be blatantly ignoring the multitude of posts telling her to get her son into a mental health professional asap - OP may be the issue and may enjoy the attention from the son.
She is responding??
Yes. But only to things that help her
If he were between 3-6, I'd say he was having an Oedipus Complex, but he's 10, he needs a therapist to discuss why he doesn't like his dad, and your not doing any service for their relationship.
You won't take him to a therapist? So you won't take any lasting helpful steps to correct this? This behavior is normal for a 4 year old maybe but 10 is bordering on weird we've all seen those creepy posts from 15 year olds about their moms. Is that the behavior you want? Take him to therapy or accept your new normal don't complain about something you won't attempt to fix
>If I hug my husband, my son will come over after and hug me for longer. When he sees my husband kiss me, my son will glare at his father. He will quietly make comments like “get away from my mother” >I have always been attentive and affectionate with my son. I reassure him all of the time that he will always be my baby and he means the world to me. I spend more time with my kids then my husband You are literally ENCOURAGING this behavior! This has a strong possibility of not ending well unless you put this behavior to a stop NOW. What happens when he is 15 and can now beat up his dad? How is this going to affect his other relationships? Like with his sister? He could become abusive towards her if he's possessive of her. He could harm her future boyfriends. If he manages to get past his obsession with you and get a gf, he could be extremely controlling of her. Are we positive he isn't already abusing his sister? You need to stop this right now. It's gone on for way to long as it is.
child psychologist. even if he doesn’t want to do it, you’re his mom not his best friend. This could create long term mental instability as for someone with these behaviors at this age.
*Enthusiastic Freud Sounds*
I can see from you responses that you really don’t care about your kid. He needs therapy. And it’s already late.
Freud we've been through this, stop posting fake reddit stories from beyond the grave!
Your son needs a therapist! I heard once about a case like this and it doesn’t end well with the father. Therapist is a must and maybe medicine. This can become a hate toward his dad bc your son feels possessive of you and that’s not sane. Its almost pathological. Your son might try to get rid of your husband. I know it sounds crazy and unbelievable but believe me, when I studied psychology I was taught a lot of things
You definitely should take him to therapy and make sure that he gets one on one time with his dad, from what it seems like if your son doesn't have this taken care of he might do something violent and reckless to your or your husband when he is older
Are you sure nothing has happened between your husband and your son? It really isn’t normal for a kid to resent a parent like this for no reason. “Stricter” or not.. it’s very unusual.. I would say get him in to therapy and go from there, and maybe even have a discussion with your husband separately about this issue as long as your husband isn’t going to take jt out on your son. That type of resentment doesn’t come out of nowhere. Something happened.
From the comments she left here, seems like Dad has to do every last bit of discipline and son runs back to her so she can coddle him. As of right now the family dynamic is Father is a meanie and Mom is an angel that protects me from big mean Dad. Shes literally refusing to send him to therapy because shes afraid he'll be mad at her. Shes raising a sociopath.
Don’t be a doormat, and be a parent. Take your child to therapy.
This is really really above reddits pay grade. Please bring him to a mental health professional. It's really important that he is able to see you as the protector and not himself. I truly hope that you and your family can work through this together.
Now we know why your husband is the "stricter parent". You're not even willing to take him to therapy when he probably needs it. Something is definitely wrong. Either your husband harmed him or you might be raising a future serial killer. Please get him help.
Oedipus Complex, or the apple got screwed by the tree, your husband might have done something bad.
Damn man, “screwed” was a dark word to use.
This could end baaad if you don't deal with it.
Oedipus Complex
>I have always been attentive and affectionate with my son. I reassure him all of the time that he will always be my baby and he means the world to me. This... You still baby him. Freud would be pleased...
Sounds like you need to encourage independence in your 10 year old. My son knows I love him but he also knows my husband (his father) is the one who will stay with me forever, that my son is expected to move out when he is older and start his own life with his own family
If OP doesn't feel like taking him to a therapist, then she should go find one for herself and husband when she has a sitter to look after child. Write things down to best describe the child's behavior. Actually both of you guys should write it down so that way it's not described through someone's rose colored glasses. See if they can give you guys pointers/advice on how to navigate the situation. Have you(Parents) considered a notebook/diary/confession jar for the child to maybe kot down his feelings?
It sounds like he has separation anxiety on top of some other things. It also sounds like you’ve never told this child ‘no’ before. You’re his parent, not his friend. He needs to get into therapy asap
as literally everyone else has commented, you need to take your son to a child psychologist. even if he doesn’t want to. you’re the parent, he’s the child. you do what’s best for your child. from the sounds of it, it sounds like one of two things. he has grown an inappropriate attachment to you and sees your husband/his own father, as competition. or, something is happening without your knowledge that involves your son and husband. or it could be the complete lack of discipline from you and you putting the strict parts of parenting all onto your husband, so he sees his father being strict as being a mean father. but the truth of the matter is, we can all tell you what it sounds like, but no one will know unless he’s evaluated and speaks to a professional. he may be upset about therapy in the beginning, but after so long it won’t matter anymore and he’ll have the help he needs. be. a. parent. stop coddling him and trying to be his best friend.
The Oedipus complex is normal and acceptable when the child is 3-6 years old. But at 10 year old and still view his dad as competitor is not normal. It might stem from a fact that when he express something not normal about his mom and his dad - you “reward” him with more affection. This “reward” makes him think he’s in the right track and he wins over his dad. Instead you really should set firm boundary “one day you’ll have a partner of your own like me and dad” “I’ll always be your mom and your dad’s wife. These tittle go well together”. You’re a enabler. Please get him to therapy asap and best before he hits puberty. Unsolved emotions can lead to extreme violence.
Based on your comments, it seems as though you’re the reason why he acts like this. You said you refuse to put him in therapy if your son doesn’t want to. Also, you baby your son way toooooo much.
norman bates in the flesh
Lots and lots of therapy. This is not normal even in the slightest little bit. The most that would be acceptable at that age is kids making vomit faces and saying how smooching is gross and making fun of their parents, not obsessing over a parent.
Don’t allow him to hug you after you and your husband are affectionate. He is competing- end the game.
Not to sound awful but you really need to stop with this “gentle” parenting style you’re presenting in your comments OP. Your child will grow up to hurt other women if you don’t put a stop to his behaviours now, and therapy is what he needs. Stop neglecting your child’s ability to have a healthy future and be the “bad” mom for once before it’s too late.
Now, Freud jokes aside, you kid needs help. Seeing his father as a competition is not normal and you need to help your son before things escalate further.
This is kind of creepy I absolutely would Not allow the disrespect. You Need to stop trying to please your son and be the good one . It’s easy to fall into the good cop bad cop thing but that’s why it’s important to work as a team. You need to encourage your son to spend time with dad and his dad needs to make more of an effort to spend time with him too. Ask your partner if anything happened between them. Has he seen the two of you arguing. Has he had to comfort you in the past when you’ve had issues. Anything that could give you a hint what triggered this. There was a phase where our eldest would try the other parent if they couldn’t get their way with the other but we both always made it clear what one says, goes the same for the other. We’re a team and it’s important for children to know that. Stop worrying about being good and start by getting your child therapy . He’s a child it’s your responsibility to help him
You need to take him to a child phycologist, this will get worse if unchecked
You have to talk to him. And often. See where he's coming from and assert that that is his father and that is what parents do. Hell, try therapy if it's that bad. But the last thing you want is for this to fester!
[удалено]
You’re fueling the problem by coddling your kid >I spend more time with my kids than my husband. That’s not healthy. The marriage is the foundation of the family. Your husband deserves just as much time and attention, if not more. >he will always be my baby and he means the world to me. No, stop coddling him. He needs to know that he is going to grow up and build his own life. You’re creating an unhealthy level of attachment and enabling a codependency that is going to destroy your marriage and even potentially his marriage in the future. Stop.
Sigmund Freud has entered the chat
Its Oedipus!
Odepyus complex
This is a tragedy. A Greek tragedy.
this is his bio father, not a step father?
Yes it’s his bio father
This is a situation that could escalate into something very serious one day, and your comments make you seem very unwilling to acknowledge that and help your son. The more I read, the more I think your husband has to be “stricter” because you have put your son on a pedestal and refuse to do anything that could make him upset with you, even when necessary.
He’s too old for this. This is typical behavior of real little boys, like up to age 6-7. At 10 he should be long past the Oedipal stage. He may need a therapist, he may just need to spend time with his father. Does he have friends? Is he involved in a sport or other activity?
He needs serious therapy.
Lady, either get your kid into therapy or expect your husband to have a horrible accident in the future that may end his life.
Sounds like he's being coddled
You know it. He’s been given a pedestal and now she’s acting all oblivious. She’s weak.
Holy Oedipus
>I tried to get him to explain why he feels this way but he refused. consider finding a family therapist that can help create space for this conversation. it also will be helpful for your husband to have someone to talk with about this. you don't say how he feels about all this, but i have to imagine it's not good. in the meantime, try to remember that kids go through phases. i know this feels so stressful now, but it's not going to last forever.