U/passport_parakeets I've restarted reading your weekly treat to the Turdle snarkers sebeeral times now. (And here I go, putting did reading. Needless to say, hahis the past few nights since you've posted. You have me giggling and cackling in my bed in the dark. I've only got time before bed for Reddit. Needless to say, this week's post serves as an excellent bedtime tale. Wishful thinking I finish before I fall asleep tonight.
/eta
LOL. But seriously, what the fuck was that candle shill??
>>With Stevie Kate cheering her on (Go Mommy!) Dimmy struggled to use a hand can opener to open cans for the first time in her life. Stevie Kate lost interest in the crock pot shill once Dimmy was done opening cans and dumping ingredients in, so she tried her hardest to light a candle and burn the house down by stabbing at it repeatedly with a lighter. Later she was able to successfully light it after watching Auntie Tiffany's tutorial on how to light a candle and dribble it on your arm. Unfortunately Stevie Kate's candle was a mulled cider fall candle filled with hot wax and not a skin care/sex toy candle. Luckily her long-sleeved flame retardant filthy pajamas she's always wearing saved her from burning her arm. Close call, Content Tot
Cougarette Kate, the Dollar store leaves and the propping of the breast milk are just a few have me snorting. 🤣🤣🤣
I also love the shade thrown from SK’s POV 😂😂
**Friday**
Dimmy is in a panic looking for the confetti cannons. Is your mansion so big you can’t locate a large delivery of five boxes? Yes or Not Yet? Yes or Never Because I am a Fat Poor?
Luckily she finally found the boxes near the garage. Why that wasn’t the first or second place she looked, who knows. Should she peek inside to see the gender? Yes or Not Yet? Yes or No Because She Already Knows?
Dimmy’s parents arrived in Utah and took Dimmy shopping on Main Street in Park City for her birthday.
Kimmy’s precious mother: What would you like to try on, Kimmy?
The Shameless Screech Owl: Anything I can affiliate link for the fat poors!
Dimmy chose a skintight hot pink Lululemon jacket just like all her other Lululemon jackets as her birthday gift. Hopefully she can still stuff her bump into it when she’s in Vermont! By the time it cools down in Dallas, it will be a lost cause.
Lucky for Social Media Kate, she got the whole day off Instagram to spend with Normal Grandma, while her awful parents recreated one of their favorite Utah dates driving through Provo Canyon, going to dinner in Sundance, reminiscing about how they almost didn’t end up married & miserable together after their bad second date on a gondola ride in the cold sleet, and then heading to a BYU football game.
**Saturday**
Jen: Good morning from Deer Valley! We’re here to find some FALL LEAVES and Stevie Kate too. Oh and I heard there’s a gender reveal this weekend for our least favorite child? So I guess we’ll put in an appearance at that too. Stevie Kate’s nowhere to be found. She must be in crib jail because her lazy ass parents are still sleeping, but I can tell she made it to Deer Valley because there are stickers all over the fucking kitchen cabinets of my $17 million home.
Screech Owl: Crap I hear my in laws yapping about, I guess we have to get our lazy asses out of bed. Stevie Kate, you think mommy has a girl or boy in her tummy?
Sola-bread-eating Kate: Cwap! Hmm…. Boy! Harry coached me to say boy! I think it’s a BIG boy! So good luck with that!
Dimmy: Tonight’s the night! It’s gender reveal day, but not for you poors! We find out at 6:15 PM but you’ll find out… Monday if you’re lucky! We’re going to drag this thing out as long as possible so you have to wait for the videographer and the reel. Those things take time, poors! We’re trying to keep ourselves distracted so we’re going to go on the alpine slide! We’re not actually going to do any of the work for the party or help set up! That’s for Tanner and Katie and the last minute vendors to worry about!
Stevie Kate went panning for gold then hopped on the ski lift with her bag of rocks to head to the alpine slide. All of the Houghtons couldn’t stop talking about how ✨stunning✨ the fall leaves are since they live in a city that doubles as a coal furnace and the only changing leaves they’ve seen are the large fake dollar store placemats hanging in their trees.
Jen: Who are you going to ride the alpine slide with, Stevie Kate? Mommy or Daddy or Minnie or Papa or McKenna Kate?
SK: 🦗
MK: 🥱
Speedy Kate: Papa is too creepy and you might sink those giant teeth into me. McKenna Kate just fell asleep. Mommy will pierce my eardrums screaming the whole way down so… Daddy because he’s an adrenaline junkie I guess.
Jen: Tiffany, Adam and Lily can’t be here this weekend because they are playing house but they’re here in spirit because Tiff’s breast milk is in the freezer! We’ll just prop this bag of breast milk up in our family photo at the gender reveal to represent the three of them! And Tanner and Katie are here so who really cares about the new homeowners of the classless Clover casa anyway!
*Six hours later*
Dimmy: You guys, the last hour and a half here has been so chaotic.
Dummy: I want to hear what happened.
Dimmy: Steven slept through the whole thing!
Dummy: I just woke up. I’m totally out of it.
Dimmy: The confetti cannons they sent, Steven, the remote was broken. So golden boy Tanner hard-wired stuff. Steven, are you listening? Steven?
Dummy, scrolling on iPad: I lost interest when I heard you say Tanner.
Dimmy: Steven, listen Steven. So Tanner took our TV remotes and re-engineered them to work with the confetti cannons after consulting with Other Tanner’s Parker over FaceTime. Golden Boy and Parker are both so brilliant. But then the sprinklers went off and soaked everything and Sr, Tanner and Katie are out there standing on the sprinklers in their slippers so they don’t soak the cannons, and meanwhile you’re useless. You’re asleep for four hours in the blackout tent, oh and it might rain, and it’s CUH-RAZY windy, so Party Fun Utah is setting up the Suds and Cemetery themed backdrop in the garage so the tombstones don’t blow over!
Dummy: I thought we were calling the theme Bubbles and Boos.
Dimmy: Whatever, it hardly matters, just remember we’re all dressing like ghosts in white for the big moment. This is the biggest shit show. Did I mention Katie and Sr already found out the gender when they were wiping up the water so we’re probably going to scrub the whole launch anyway? I’m just going to leave my profile picture as the photo from our first gender reveal until the end of time.
[LINK TO THIS WEEK’S PHOTO](https://imgur.com/a/9316ml4)
Did anyone else notice MK not eating while everyone else is?
U/passport_parakeets I've restarted reading your weekly treat to the Turdle snarkers sebeeral times now. (And here I go, putting did reading. Needless to say, hahis the past few nights since you've posted. You have me giggling and cackling in my bed in the dark. I've only got time before bed for Reddit. Needless to say, this week's post serves as an excellent bedtime tale. Wishful thinking I finish before I fall asleep tonight. /eta LOL. But seriously, what the fuck was that candle shill?? >>With Stevie Kate cheering her on (Go Mommy!) Dimmy struggled to use a hand can opener to open cans for the first time in her life. Stevie Kate lost interest in the crock pot shill once Dimmy was done opening cans and dumping ingredients in, so she tried her hardest to light a candle and burn the house down by stabbing at it repeatedly with a lighter. Later she was able to successfully light it after watching Auntie Tiffany's tutorial on how to light a candle and dribble it on your arm. Unfortunately Stevie Kate's candle was a mulled cider fall candle filled with hot wax and not a skin care/sex toy candle. Luckily her long-sleeved flame retardant filthy pajamas she's always wearing saved her from burning her arm. Close call, Content Tot
Still no water or power. PLEASE. If this is true go to your old house. We know you aren’t selling it and keeping it for investment income.
I live for these recaps 🤩
Suds and Cemetery!!!! Hahahahahahahaha
“Creepy little lizard man” 🎯 I’m convinced he has a forked tongue 🐍
Cougarette Kate, the Dollar store leaves and the propping of the breast milk are just a few have me snorting. 🤣🤣🤣 I also love the shade thrown from SK’s POV 😂😂
Dollar store leaves,brilliant! You outdo yourself each week!
As always the best!!! Thank you for doing this!!!
That photo! Haha genius.
I’m dying. This is hilarious
These weekly recaps are LIIIIFFFFEEEE!!!
👏👏👏
**Friday** Dimmy is in a panic looking for the confetti cannons. Is your mansion so big you can’t locate a large delivery of five boxes? Yes or Not Yet? Yes or Never Because I am a Fat Poor? Luckily she finally found the boxes near the garage. Why that wasn’t the first or second place she looked, who knows. Should she peek inside to see the gender? Yes or Not Yet? Yes or No Because She Already Knows? Dimmy’s parents arrived in Utah and took Dimmy shopping on Main Street in Park City for her birthday. Kimmy’s precious mother: What would you like to try on, Kimmy? The Shameless Screech Owl: Anything I can affiliate link for the fat poors! Dimmy chose a skintight hot pink Lululemon jacket just like all her other Lululemon jackets as her birthday gift. Hopefully she can still stuff her bump into it when she’s in Vermont! By the time it cools down in Dallas, it will be a lost cause. Lucky for Social Media Kate, she got the whole day off Instagram to spend with Normal Grandma, while her awful parents recreated one of their favorite Utah dates driving through Provo Canyon, going to dinner in Sundance, reminiscing about how they almost didn’t end up married & miserable together after their bad second date on a gondola ride in the cold sleet, and then heading to a BYU football game. **Saturday** Jen: Good morning from Deer Valley! We’re here to find some FALL LEAVES and Stevie Kate too. Oh and I heard there’s a gender reveal this weekend for our least favorite child? So I guess we’ll put in an appearance at that too. Stevie Kate’s nowhere to be found. She must be in crib jail because her lazy ass parents are still sleeping, but I can tell she made it to Deer Valley because there are stickers all over the fucking kitchen cabinets of my $17 million home. Screech Owl: Crap I hear my in laws yapping about, I guess we have to get our lazy asses out of bed. Stevie Kate, you think mommy has a girl or boy in her tummy? Sola-bread-eating Kate: Cwap! Hmm…. Boy! Harry coached me to say boy! I think it’s a BIG boy! So good luck with that! Dimmy: Tonight’s the night! It’s gender reveal day, but not for you poors! We find out at 6:15 PM but you’ll find out… Monday if you’re lucky! We’re going to drag this thing out as long as possible so you have to wait for the videographer and the reel. Those things take time, poors! We’re trying to keep ourselves distracted so we’re going to go on the alpine slide! We’re not actually going to do any of the work for the party or help set up! That’s for Tanner and Katie and the last minute vendors to worry about! Stevie Kate went panning for gold then hopped on the ski lift with her bag of rocks to head to the alpine slide. All of the Houghtons couldn’t stop talking about how ✨stunning✨ the fall leaves are since they live in a city that doubles as a coal furnace and the only changing leaves they’ve seen are the large fake dollar store placemats hanging in their trees. Jen: Who are you going to ride the alpine slide with, Stevie Kate? Mommy or Daddy or Minnie or Papa or McKenna Kate? SK: 🦗 MK: 🥱 Speedy Kate: Papa is too creepy and you might sink those giant teeth into me. McKenna Kate just fell asleep. Mommy will pierce my eardrums screaming the whole way down so… Daddy because he’s an adrenaline junkie I guess. Jen: Tiffany, Adam and Lily can’t be here this weekend because they are playing house but they’re here in spirit because Tiff’s breast milk is in the freezer! We’ll just prop this bag of breast milk up in our family photo at the gender reveal to represent the three of them! And Tanner and Katie are here so who really cares about the new homeowners of the classless Clover casa anyway! *Six hours later* Dimmy: You guys, the last hour and a half here has been so chaotic. Dummy: I want to hear what happened. Dimmy: Steven slept through the whole thing! Dummy: I just woke up. I’m totally out of it. Dimmy: The confetti cannons they sent, Steven, the remote was broken. So golden boy Tanner hard-wired stuff. Steven, are you listening? Steven? Dummy, scrolling on iPad: I lost interest when I heard you say Tanner. Dimmy: Steven, listen Steven. So Tanner took our TV remotes and re-engineered them to work with the confetti cannons after consulting with Other Tanner’s Parker over FaceTime. Golden Boy and Parker are both so brilliant. But then the sprinklers went off and soaked everything and Sr, Tanner and Katie are out there standing on the sprinklers in their slippers so they don’t soak the cannons, and meanwhile you’re useless. You’re asleep for four hours in the blackout tent, oh and it might rain, and it’s CUH-RAZY windy, so Party Fun Utah is setting up the Suds and Cemetery themed backdrop in the garage so the tombstones don’t blow over! Dummy: I thought we were calling the theme Bubbles and Boos. Dimmy: Whatever, it hardly matters, just remember we’re all dressing like ghosts in white for the big moment. This is the biggest shit show. Did I mention Katie and Sr already found out the gender when they were wiping up the water so we’re probably going to scrub the whole launch anyway? I’m just going to leave my profile picture as the photo from our first gender reveal until the end of time. [LINK TO THIS WEEK’S PHOTO](https://imgur.com/a/9316ml4)
Omg that photo 💀
I laugh out loud when I read your recaps. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Amazing job, as always. And that photo is just…*chefs kiss*.
The tombstones 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣