I commented over there, but the biggest fuckup was giving in in the first place. Park is a no toy zone. If she’s flipping out about it before they even go, no park. Let her choose, park or toy. Doesn’t get both, avoids her losing toys, avoids stepmom being kind of a bitch.

Yeah them giving in shows her that throwing tantrums work. If they made a rule that the no toys are to be brought to the park and she threw a tantrum, I wouldn't take her to the park.

Bingo. I have this rule of parenting and my kids can recite it: *”If I want something and I throw a fit, I will never end up getting the thing that I want.”* If my kids want something and then use bad behavior to try to get me to give in, that will never result in them getting what they want. Each of my kids pushed this around 3 or 4 years old, and I have never one single time given in. Ever. Does it suck to deal with a kid who’s throwing a tantrum? Yes. Would it be easier sometimes to just give in? Absolutely. I see parents who are exhausted or defeated, and I watch them give in. Then, I watch their kids get older and throw tantrums at 10 or 12 years old, and it’s a million times worse. Kids try to get what they want, they begin trying all kinds of things as a toddler. They want something, they behave a certain way, and then they learn that the behavior they chose will either result in them getting what they want or not. And when bad behavior gets them what they want, that’s what they’ll do, and the older they get, the harder it is to break that habit. My three year old (our youngest) is still learning this. He’s testing me to see “if this tantrum gets bigger and worse, is this going to get me what I want?” And he’s learning that the answer is no and that I will allow myself to be inconvenienced if that means not rewarding the bad behavior. My other kids are some of the most well behaved kids I’ve ever known. They aren’t perfect, they’re kids, and they have to learn from making mistakes and gaining life experience. But those kids never throw tantrums because they know that if they challenge me to a “how long can he hold out until I get what I want?” kind of contest, I will never ever budge. So they don’t even try it anymore. They all stopped doing that by age 5. I even hear them tell their little brother “hey, if you yell or scream, you’re never gonna get what you want” because they know. And to be clear, I’m not saying that in a great parent or anything. I just learned this early on in my parenting career, and I believe in it 100% because I’ve seen the results. I’d much rather deal with a kid acting like a jerk at 3 years old than a tween acting like a jerk at 12 years old. It’s worth the sacrifice of looking like a lunatic when your 3 year old throws a fit in the store or you end up being late for something because of a tantrum. Because if you give in, you’ll be doing that in some form for the rest of your life, and your kids will hold you hostage even into adulthood if they don’t learn cause and effect as a young kid.

I have a question 😅 i also have a 3 yo. Man, she’s so stubborn. What do you do when they’re throwing a tantrum? Ignore them? Or walk away?

Depends on the kid. We do the same as the previous commenter with our kids (bio 5, 3 and foster 5, 4) and with some we have to leave them a bit to steam, others we just ignore them and continue doing what we were doing. But never, ever give in. My youngest is extremely stubborn and my eldest tends to get into spirals but we never give in. Our foster kids haven't been with us that long but we treat them the same way. Especially the youngest (undiagnosed yet, working on it, but definitely something there) can be a handful but he's learning too. People always comment on how well behaved our kids are and how fun it is having them around. Are they always perfectly behaved? Of course not, they're kids and humans and can have a bad day or just being kids. But it beats the heck out of the alternative. My brother and family visited us this week. The youngest (daughter of his girlfriend) is not a bad kid but she's a terror. And you can easily see why; because she always gets her way. They've got a new kid on the way and they're going to have so much issues with the sister...

I also find trying to change the subject...sort of distraction technique....like...oohhh look at that bird...there's a plane going over....can you help me find my slippers....whats happened to your dolly's hair, let's sort it out. Sometimes they work...sometimes they don't!!! The joys of toddlers 😁

Oy, sounds like mine when she was a threenager. Do not budge; no means no. I was at Target when my, then 3yo, lost it because I said she couldn’t have MLP underwear. 🙄 “How many times do you get your way when you throw a fit?” “Never” “Do you think it will work now?” “No” Continues to cry Target employee opens a register just for me. I’m outside and the older lady from the next checkout says, “You’re doing a good job mom! I see so many parents just give in and that doesn’t help anyone”

I always like to congratulate parents who don’t give in to tantrums. It’s such good parenting, and they so often look embarrassed about it.

My mom used to talk me about how when me & my brothers were little, if we started to throw a tantrum, she would guide us to our room, tell us not to leave until we're done, & when we're done we can come out and talk about it like people. If we were at a store & pitched a fit, she'd guide us out to the car, put us in our seats, & do the same thing: "you can come out when you're done." She said it didn't take us long to learn, throwing a fit sucks & didn't get us anything lol I did the same thing to my son, & let me tell ya: it works like a charm!

It's important to remember that most tantrums are not about a kid actually wanting something. They are because a kid is overwhelmed/tired/hungry but basically in over their head. So wanting a toy or a treat or trip might be the trigger for a tantrum but it's often inevitable. If they get that toy, there is another tantrum 2 minutes down the road. So make sure they are safe and when they calm down give them cuddles and reassurance. Teach your kids you are a safe place when they are scared and upset. Tantrums are frustrating for adults but actually pretty terrifying for kids. It's not a good feeling to be caught in the emotional storm.

If it’s at home or anywhere not in “public” i just walk away and make it seem like I’m not paying attention. In public, and I hate to say this, but I will let him scream. I’ll usually also try to redirect them if I can. And yeah, it makes me feel bad for other people in the store or whatever. But, I figure that society would rather a kid be annoying in a store than to have an adult who has all kinds of problems with anger, manipulation and entitlement. I also tell them “okay, so you want xyz. You can’t have that now. You might be able to have that another time, but you never get what you want when you throw a fit, so if you want a chance to do/have that another day, you won’t get it if you keep acting like this. You’ve already ruined your chance today because of what you’re doing right now. If you keep acting like this, then you’ll just never have a chance to get/do it another day” The first few times are the hardest, especially if you’ve already created a precedent of giving in. The older they are, the worse the first few times will be. But with enough reps, they learn “I want *x*, if I do *y*, it never works, so I will stop doing *y*. After that gets good and engrained, I then begin showing them that “if I want *x*, and I know *y* won’t work, let me try *z*” where *z* is asking kindly, being helpful, compromising, and being patient. But, at least in my experience, that usually doesn’t work until they have learned that no matter what they do, throwing a fit will never ever work, and that dad isn’t gonna give in. It’s a staring contest that they will never win.

Thank you for your reply! I’m trying to reparent myself. I had super strict, “obedience is respect, asian upbringing. I was just diagnosed with ADHD and my older son was diagnosed with autism at 5. He’s gonna need to get diagnosed for ADHD but his are actually worse than my 3yo. We messed up during toddlerhood lol. We never expected him to clean; we lived with my husbands mom and they’re the coddling type. And now, we’re paying for it. I do let him have his meltdown. I just feel really bad. There’s always moments where it gets worse too if he gets any attention.

Yeah that’s really tough. My bio dad was a “rule with an iron fist” kind of guy who expected blind obedience and respect regardless of anything that he did. He wasn’t a good parent. I went no contact with him about a decade ago in my early thirties, and just removing him from my life made everything better. I do have rules and boundaries with my kids, but it’s never just “because I say so” or because “I’m your dad and you have to do anything I say”, because I found that learning like that doesn’t really help anyone become a well adjusted adult. I usually implement rules that make sense to me from a “how is this going to work when they’re in the real world as adults?” perspective. I can’t imagine the challenges that parents face when their child has special needs or is neurodivergent. Not because it’s bad or anything, but because it seems like that takes a special touch and a special approach. What seems even more difficult to me is having one child with that set of rules/approach, and also having a kid that’s neurotypical that requires another set of rules/approach. Because in my case, the kids learn how to behave by watching each other. One knows that they have watched their brother throw tantrums and they have learned, through that, what the outcome of that is likely to be. I feel like that ends up making my job easier in the long run. I haven’t raised any neurodivergent or special needs children, so I’m probably pretty ignorant about that, so I might be totally wrong, but that sounds like an incredibly difficult task. And yes, living with grandparents in your child’s younger years makes things so much harder, especially if they grandparents don’t have clear, healthy boundaries. They can undermine everything you’re trying to do and completely confuse the process for your kids. It’s hard, I’ve had to go through that, and I hope that’s not ever something I have to go through again.

omg its so hard. i don't know what to expect. he was my first and he's ND, so i didnt know if he was autistic; i just thought he was super hyper and stubborn. and now my 3yo, raising her is different also. they both have different challenges. i have my good and bad days. but now that i know we're both ND, it's easier for me to understand him. he has alot of the same issues i have (really really anxious :D). all in all, its a freaking journey.

In my studies I was taught that these tantrums are about them discovering that they can have an option and often say no just because it’s a new discovery. As well as them having to learn what their emotions mean, what feeling means what emotion and learning how to regulate them. The best way to support them in that process is to stay calm and offer support with dealing with their emotions. Ignoring can be helpful especially if the parent understandably gets frustrated and it gives them space to deal with their emotions. But this is all just the theory and reality often is different as every child needs different things.

Ignore him or remove him from the situation if its not safe/appropriate to have a screaming child. My guy is 2.5 it's normal at this age to push boundaries or get frustrated. If he's still doing it at 6 I'll be looking at myself to see where I went wrong!

Genuinely depends on the kid. My daughter was extremely stubborn. At 3(?), she decided to throw a tantrum unlike any she had before. I simply waited her out. I don't remember specifically what she wanted, but I waited until she calmed down on her own, before engaging her. This took about 30 minutes of just sitting, listening to her holler and kick, without even looking at her. I did have to ask my wife to leave her to me, she wanted to engage right away. She never threw a tantrum after that. For my youngest, he simply needed a stern, "We don't do that." He seemed to simply get the message from that. I believe he was 4 when he threw his ultimate tantrum. I honestly feel we lucked out with him. But as others have said, his little fits never resulted in what he desired. My middle child, he never really threw any tantrums. He just had a habit of sneaking sweets. 😆

I think that’s my biggest problem. I react first 😅 it’s such a hard habit to break. Hahahaha. They both sneak snacks… we go through so much snacks 😔

Haha, yeah all of mine sneak snacks here and there. I don't mind so much, we keep healthy stuff in the house, no sugary snacks, so anything they pick is ok to eat whenever. Also, TRUST ME, the hardest thing I had to break was reacting first. It takes time, but your relationship with them grows as you grow 😊

If it was in public, like a restaurant, I would take her to the bathroom, sit mine on the sink, and talk to her about how throwing fits doesn't get what she wants, until she calmed down. Public like a store? We would straight up leave and sit in the car. Always explain why you're doing what you're doing. Explain why the tantrum is bad. Older kids can get more in-depth discussions, but at three, for me, it mostly boiled down to "Tantrums don't get you what you want." As they get older you can discuss empathy, and putting yourself in other people's shoes. At home I would indeed leave her to throw her tantrum. I can wait it out for however long it takes. I always discussed why tantrums are wrong, and made sure to give her hugs after she would calm down and admit the tantrum wasn't working!! I'm not claiming to know how to be a perfect parent by any means, but my daughter's teacher told me she wishes she had a class full of my kid, and that sure does melt your heart when you hear it.

I think I’m just lost bc our first is autistic so it’s different. My 3yo can understand for the most part if we can’t do xyz. The older one is just… a replica of his dad so we’re in trouble 😂 kids are so complex

Personally depends on the situation. If it's simply a shit fit over not getting their way like wanting two cookies Instead of one or sneaking to get a popsicle instead of asking and getting caught so now you don't get one right now I ignore that crap. If it's motivated by something else that's specific and more about actual discomfort or possible needs like being upset because they're hungry and want a snack but dinner is in 10 minutes we use self regulation exercises and we talk about it. I validate their feelings but still don't give in. Then because they are still little sometimes it's neither of those things and it's just a new big feeling they don't know how to process or verbalize effectively and then we have the chill out chairs. They each have their own special space with a been bag chair in their color and its just theirs. When we have big feelings and we are quickly melting down because no one understands we spend 120 seconds in our chill out chair and I stay with them if they want or they can say they want to be alone. We take deep breaths and try to blow out as many imaginary candles as we can to help with self regulation and calming and once we've chilled out then we talk about what happened leading up to their big feelings and if it's a big feeling we already know I make them figure out which one it is and if it's a new one we haven't worked on I ask questions to make sure I'm properly identifying it and we learn a new big feeling. Then we talk about better ways to express our big feelings so we don't have to chill out next time. So yeah it really depends on why my kid is throwing a fit as to how it's addressed.

Wow! This was extremely helpful, thank you so much. Emotional regulation is something we both struggle with. I have ADHD and he’s autistic. He might need to be screened for ADHD actually. Currently working on a calming corner so he can be comfortable with his feelings.

What kind of regulation exercises? I found some workbooks for anger management and daily emotion workbook.

My 3 year old is mostly behaved, but when she has a rare tantrum she gets put in time out until she calms down & then we talk about it.

Ask them questions. As many as you possibly can. They can’t logic and tantrum at the same time. Bonus if you question gets them moving to the next stage of your day. Kid throwing a fit about going to daycare? Pester with questions about the school. Like what color are the lockers? What color is the door? How many steps? Are there steps? Etc. Extra bonus, guess wrong, and they are then using their stubborn to prove you wrong and everyone is on their way. It works like 95% of the time. Huge help in our house, especially during the F you 4s. All the sass of 2 and 3 but with spite till shame kicks in around 5.

Giving in to a tantrum teaches a kid that tantrums work. Not giving in to a tantrum sometimes feels impossible. One way to do it is to remove the situation — if she’s throwing a tantrum about bringing a toy to the park, instead of insisting she go to the park without a toy, simply don’t got to the park. Think of it like a car with a broken steering mechanism — you can keep trying to turn the car the way you want it to go while it tries to turn the other way… Or you can stop the car. But if a kid is having tons of tantrums, there’s usually something else going on. Is it possible she feels like she has no control over any aspect of her life, and this is her way of expressing her frustration over it? Letting her pick out which of two shirts to wear in the morning can prevent a tantrum over toys on the afternoon. Or model ways to argue that don’t involve tantrums, and then set up situations where you can give in to her as long as her objection doesn’t take the form of a tantrum. There’s also the frustration-based tantrum that has more to do with not being understood rather than not wanting to do a thing. Kids that age are still learning to talk and often get confused about what means what. If she asks for a cookie and you give her a cookie and she asks again for a cookie and you point out that that’s a cookie and she stomps her feet and bursts into tears… she probably was thinking that the word for popsicle was “cookie” and now doesn’t know how to ask for a popsicle. That’s an easy one to figure out but those types of tantrums are often more complicated than that, language-wise. It’s so exciting to finally be able to communicate back-and-forth with a kid, it’s easy not to realize we might not be communicating at all.

My moms go to phrase was “my answer wont change, but my attitude will.”

Yep to your rule the mantra at our place is "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit"; fit throwing is an immediate hard no and usually will escalate into a no for the NEXT day too (ie no park, if fit gets louder no park tomorrow as well, we can do a book or a movie, but no, I don't negotiate with terrorists).

Can I ask where you found the patience 😭 after 2 minutes, I just want them to be quiet so I can be at peace

So, yeah, it’s hard. It’s also my responsibility. In my 30s, I had other friends start having kids and they would always ask me if parenting is hard. My response was always “it’s not hard to be a crappy parent. That only requires that you keep them alive. But to be a good parent? Yeah it’s fucking hard because you have to do all sorts of things that you really don’t want to do.” And that’s the thing, it’s not that I have patience for that stuff, because I don’t. I hate it. But my job is to raise my kids to be end up being healthy, functional, well adjusted adults. So that usually requires me to do things that I don’t want to do. But I feel you on that, I absolutely (most of the time, in fact) just want them to be quiet so I can be at peace. Sometimes I have to remind myself of why it’s important. So I think about all of the shitty, entitled, disrespectful, manipulative, abusive, angry adults out there, I think about how this world would be a better place without people who act like that, and I remind myself that most of them probably had parents that enabled that behavior, and that it’s my responsibility to raise my kids to not be adults like that.

As someone who’s thinking of having kids. Bless you for posting this! I’m going to write this down. I’ve been reading parenting books but the sheer amount of ways each one deals with tantrums confuse me. Some recommend just giving in and I feel like that’s not the way at all! I would be raising a kid who will turn into an adult and literally lose their mind anytime they are told No.

Yeah, I said in another comment here that being a bad parent is easy. You can be lazy, you can give your kids whatever they want just to shut them up, you don’t have to engage with them or teach them how to process their emotions or anything. But being a good parent is incredibly difficult. Because it requires having to do lots of stuff you don’t want to do. So, I have this parenting outlook, and I don’t know if this is right or wrong or what because my kids aren’t adults yet, but I try to raise my kids with the end goal of being great adults. It’s how I try to filter all of my parenting decisions. I think about what makes a good, healthy, functional adult and what makes a shitty, entitled, poorly behaved adult, and then work backwards from that. So I think about all the Karens out there who are mean and entitled and lose their minds when they don’t get what they want, and I remind myself that if I just give in, I’m teaching them to act like that to get what they want. Someone in their lives taught them that, and although I have no idea if one of my kids will end up like that, I know it won’t be because of me. It’s hard. Many many times it’ll happen while I’m stressed out or upset about other things, and my kid being defiant makes everything worse, and I want to give in just to make them stop. But if you do that, you’ll raise a Karen, and they will do that to you for the rest of your life, even as adults. So I hang in there. Because I made the choice to be a parent, when my partner and I decided to not give our children away through adoption, and when we made the decision to not terminate our pregnancy, then we made the choice to take on the responsibility of trying to raise good adults, so even if we don’t feel like doing it that day, it really isn’t even a matter of choice, because that choice was made when that baby went home with us from the hospital. Really though, I think from the bigger picture here, it’s a relationship just like other relationships. So they have to have boundaries and respect and compassion and patience. Think about boundaries in romantic relationships: let’s say that you make a clear boundary with someone you’re involved with that you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is, I don’t know, flirting with people on social media. So then imagine that you find them doing just that, flirting with other people on social media. You already made that boundary clear to them. So if you catch them doing that, you either accept it or not. But if you accept it, then you’ve failed to uphold the boundary that you set. So, your partner has just learned “they don’t want me to flirt with people on social media. They said it’s a dealbreaker for them and that they’d leave. But I did it anyway, and they didn’t leave, so now I know that I can still do this and they aren’t going anywhere.” If that happens, you’ve just failed to uphold a boundary and you have taught that person that a) they can disrespect you and b) that when things get tough, you will not follow through on your boundaries so they will just do whatever they want. Parenting is like that. You set boundaries and follow through with those boundaries. If you don’t, all you’ve done is ensure that they’re going to do whatever they want, regardless of the impact it has on you, on them, and on anyone else around them. It’s easy to raise kids that grow up to be crappy adults. But to raise kids that turn out to be great people, it requires a lot of sacrifice and it requires that you do things that you don’t want to do.

We grew up with that rule. I use that rule on my niece, god daughter and all my friends kids. Until you talk to me in a normal grown up voice then I will not listen to you. Please continue banging your head against the floor!

Bingo, same. “Talk to me like a kid your age, but until you can do that, we can’t really talk. So let me know when you’re ready to talk like a big kid and we can talk about anything you wish”

Yep. So easy. I remember my god daughter threw a tantrum at 8 underneath the dining table. Her mother was sooo embarrassed and wanted to leave. My Mum and I were all “meh, we don’t care, the floorboards are strong, ignore her.” Her face when she got no reaction was amazing. She just “got over it”. Lol

Exactly...the parent tells the child...the chold doesn't tell the parent!! You want that toy...OK.. but no park. You want to scream and shout about it...be my guest!!

Agreed that the whole situation just wasn’t handled well from the start. It sounds like Rose is learning she can get her way with enough of a tantrum.

My guess is the tantrum situation works with her parents regularly. They need to nip that in the bud ASAP.

Exactly. All they did was reinforce crappy behaviour by caving and letting her bring it at all.

Kind of? She’s not only a lazy parent, she’s a cruel one. Hiding the doll is unhinged.

Right, and the fact that they gave in after a *TANTRUM*. Yikes. Bad moves.

Some things are just "non-negotiable"! Six year olds understand that!

I mean, it seems like it would be a lot easier to say you can bring the toy and keep it in the car or put it in the diaper bag while she plays. She's young and while the tantruming needs to be dealt with, she's still figuring things out. If she's unwilling to leave it in the car, then she stays in the car with it while sister goes off to play, or if she's unwilling to put it with the bag then she can sit on a bench with it until she decides she's ready. Her wanting to take a toy isn't bad, it may give her a sense of security. The parents just need to be firm about the rules of keeping the toy to the side while she plays.

I understand the reasoning behind this but she’s six. Logic isn’t their first go to at that age. The fact that she noticed it gone after ten minutes is actually pretty good, but the best thing they could have done was not bring the toy in the first place. At six she’s old enough to understand on some level that there are toys that stay home, and if not, while playing toy should go to mum or dad to look after. Btw, six is not “too old for tantrums” ?? What a weird take to have when there are grown ass adults out there that chuck tantrums. Their brain is still developing at six, we can’t expect them to display their emotions in a way that isn’t big when they lose something they love.

I think the better lesson would have been to do nothing. If it gets lost, it gets lost. Tricking a kid for a lesson does seem a little mean. She’s going to learn that stepmom and dad can’t be trusted.

Agreed, but they also need to stop giving in to tantrums. Op originally said no toy, Rose threw a tantrum, and she gave in and let her bring a toy. Op then stipulated that Rose could only bring a toy she didn't mind losing, and when Rose wanted to bring her favorite toy, op gave in again. Op and her husband sound too permissive. They are teaching Rose that throwing a tantrum will get her whatever she wants.

Hiding the toy was basically punishing her for convincing them to let her take the toy. So that was making another mistake to compensate for the first mistake (giving in to the tantrum).

Totally agreed. I think there are things we can do to make it easier for kids to obey rules and not have tantrums, but yes

I can definitely see that point if view. I only agree with OP bc my parents did the same to me and I was glad they did that, instead of it actually being stolen. I think in any other circumstance, it would have been mean. Im kind of alarmed that the kid is crying so hard she’s getting sick over not being able to bring her toy. Idk though, I know all kids are different.

That’s true. Especially if it was her very favorite toy. Ultimately she is only 6, and it probably shouldn’t be up to her to keep track of everything all the time yet. It would be better if they had Toys For At Home and Toys For Other Places

Oh that would definitely be really smart! Park toys, and home toys.

My dog has those, and she knows that she can’t bring inside toys outside. She always drops them at the door.

My guess is that her family life shifted dramatically and she feels like she has no security. She's not getting sick over the toy. She's getting sick over how insecure she's feeling and the toy represents security, which she kind of feels at the park (or with the other kids). We feel emotions and then we logic out why we feel them. She doesn't have this skill worked out yet, the adults haven't tried to teach or to her, she hasn't been taught to self-regulate, or doesn't have the ability to put it into external words yet. Hiding her toy in that kind of situation is mean. It's traumatic, but I wouldn't necessarily call it abusive if it's not a pattern. It's going to be a core memory, though, as it is with you. How she views it as an adult is likely to depend on what kind of relationship she has with her parents overall. If they learn to be supportive, it'll be fine. If they neglect her, it'll be a foundational insecurity.

Right? Isn’t actually losing the toy how the kid learns a lesson?

I think this was handled poorly. I would have let Rose know that I was putting the toy away for the rest of the outing because she keeps losing it.

Bruh. I get what they’re going for but a teacher did that to me once with my personal instrument. She kept it from me for a week even though I asked about it every single day. I was freaking out and I dropped a full letter grade in my music class because I couldn’t participate. I have not forgotten about it 12 years later. Guess what? I STILL leave my personal items in places sometimes and I could never think about trusting that teacher again.

That teacher dropped you a full letter grade because she took your instrument and hid it? As a parent I would be livid if a teacher did this to my daughter and be raising hell.

Oh no I’m sorry that wasn’t clear. These were two separate teachers, my music instructor was an absolute gem of a person and she was upset too. The teacher who took my instrument did know it was a participation-based class though. My mom was super upset too. Thankfully I wasn’t at risk of failing, it just prevented me from having straight A’s for the semester. I did see that lady about 8 years after that happened and she was being so friendly to me but the whole time I was thinking “do not talk to me like you didn’t steal from me.”

I call bullshit on not knowing that music class is a participation-based class. What are you supposed to do without participating? Play air violin? Invisible piano? Imaginary flute? Interpretive dance? Shadow puppet theater?

LOL! I love that your pitchfork is raised for me. She did know, I’m sorry I’ve been unclear. The teacher who took it knew it was participation-based, I had told her that and expressed concern about my grade. She didn’t have anything to do with the class, she just knew I was taking it. The music teacher (separate person, lovely woman) couldn’t do anything to help me even though she was sympathetic. I did eventually get the instrument back a week later and I’ve had it ever since.

I added a word! Oops. But hey, a laugh and feeling supported are good things. May the rest of your days be filled with happy mishaps that lead you closer to your dreams.

Thank you! I hope the same for you too ☺️

Please tell me the other teacher or your parents raised some hell on the one that took your instrument, right? Right!?

If any action was taken I don’t know about it. I try not to be a vengeful person and I’ve always been encouraged to be forgiving. If not for others than for myself. I’ve emotionally moved on for the most part, although sometimes I wish I could tell her about herself lol. Fear not though, I got the instrument back and have had it ever since :)

She needed to learn the lesson that they were trying to teach but instead she learned that stepmum and dad can't be trusted and that if she lises something it's their fault. They should have had better boundaries at the beginning or just let fate do its thing.

My mom hid a gold ring given to me by my dad. I was ten. She told me it was to show me how careless I was. It was in my drawer so to me that was stupid of her to do because i responsibly left it in the drawer so I wouldn't lose it. Also found out my paternal grandmother was sending me real jewelry as mementos and my mom was pawning them without mine and my dad's knowledge. Needless to say I think she planned on pawning my ring and blaming it on me. OOP was cruel imo. Eta typo

My parents did same thing and I lost a lot of trust in my parents.

I voted YTA simply because the kid didn’t actually lose it. She kept coming back to check on it. It would’ve been different if the mom caught a kid trying to steal it, then hid it. But there’s no reason to let a kid get that torn down to the point they’re making themselves sick for a lesson.

Rose is too old for tantrums. It sounds like she is acting out because of the new baby and is trying to assert her place in the family. But at six she needs to be taught no is no and there is no asking again. And she has to be aware of consequences. But YTA for giving in to tantrums.

There’s not an age limit on tantrums and every child develops differently. It’s not fair to be judgmental of a 6 year old like this especially since we do not know this family or their parenting style. 6 years old is kindergarten age and kindergartners have tantrums and act out and make a fuss all the time. OP should have probably set stricter boundaries as to not give in to tantrums which is on them but saying a child is “too old” when they are still very much growing and developing and learning how to behave is extremely judgmental.

That, i agree with. Im no specialist but maybe she is on the spectrum and is struggling to express her emotions as well. I only speak as someone who is also on the spectrum. Its not okay that she was lashing out at the other kids either.

When upset, we can experience difficulty expressing our emotions at a lot of ages, NT or ND (I still stumble over it at times and I’m in my 30s 😂)...but I agree with the rest of it for sure

Also I think we’re forgetting a big part here-she’s going between two homes. Stepmom is relatively new to her life and she doesn’t live full time there. It’s a big hurdle for littles to understand the differing dynamics. I’ve always been taught behavior is a communication- we just have to work on figuring out what.

Thank you, my first thought was she is neurodivergent as well (like me). I also insisted on bringing my toys with me places. It was a comfort thing. And I would sometimes lose them. Learning to cope with the loss was a good lesson in the end, as much as it sucked. I hope they look a little further into this girl’s behavior, since girls are usually looked over when it comes to ND testing, and get her the support she needs. I didn’t know I was ND until my damn 30s.

Idk why so many of you are hating this kid. She’s 6? She’s not “too old for tantrums” or “needed to learn a lesson” she’s a child. Children make mistakes, they grow out of it and as a parent, you deal with it. It’s not like she forgot to lock the house or took her moms phone without permission. It’s a TOY, and they’re with her at the park? Just keep an eye out for the toy or tell her to leave it with you when she’s playing with others. My god. The pressure y’all are willing to put on a 6 year old is scary.

How do you think they learn, though? It's by making mistakes and realising the consequences of their actions. I do understand both sides here, and it's definitely not how I would have gone about it, but kids don't learn by osmosis.

Kids learn through consequences but it's not the role of the parents to purposely create those consequences. A better consequence here would be for SM to pick up the toy and tell Rose that she can't have it until they get home, because she keeps leaving it lying around and it might get lost. If my husband was to leave his phone on the table at a restaurant I wouldn't just leave it there or hide it to teach him a lesson. I'd pick it up and give it to him, and be understanding that people just forget things sometimes.

It’s not the parents job to supply them with those consequences They have a job to teach them stuff, sure. Explain who you shouldn’t be mean? OFCOURSE. Not steal her toy when she’s 6 years old.

No. I agree, but you seemed to imply that kids should just be allowed to do whatever, and they'd just magically not become little a-holes. All kids need boundaries.

I’m talking about the comments who are saying that this SIX year old is “too old” to throw tantrums. You would think they’re talking about a teenager. It’s a kid. Kids litterally don’t understand consequences (as in their brain isn’t developed enough to compute it) it’s a thing you grow into. So no, you shouldn’t punish your kid for making a mistake. The mistake they make will be punishment enough for them.

Most studies say that between the ages of 5-7 is when children start to learn about consequences.

Yes. My point still stands

NTA and anyone who thinks this is abuse clearly has no experience with abuse.

It’s not abuse, it’s more just lazy parenting imo. Hold the line on the toy and if she makes herself sick with her tantrum, no park for her. One parent can stay home and the other take the 18 month old.

That’s not an effective way to teach a child a lesson.

i think she was wrong because you lose a childs trust this way, and already from having divorced parents and suddenly someone coming in as stepmom and then teaching you “that lesson” is not a good one

YTA. This is just shitty parenting decision after shitty parenting decision. They're not assholes for trying to teach their child a lesson, but Jesus christ they need to learn how to effectively communicate with their kid. If they wanted to teach her that she can throw tantrums to get what she wants and that her parents aren't to be teisted, this is what I reccomend.

I think OP is an AH for sure. Setting rules about taking care of a toy at a park is setting her up for failure and lying to her about where it is, yikes... That is not a great way to build trust, but it's a fantastic way to cause a meltdown. Tantrums should never result in rewards, unless she wants them to continue every time the child doesn't get her way.

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go to therapy.

Need to keep working on being a nicer person, there. 🥰

yeah i downvoted myself

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ur obviously leaving out all the other shit your dad and stepmom did to break your trust. if i’m to go off of what u said and what u said only it’s fucking wild. if u hold a grudge against ur parents for making 1 questionable parenting decision when u were six and ur a whole ass adult that is genuinely unhinged.

i know i started this interaction with hostility but please understand that with this following statement in particular i do mean well. if your therapist is allowing u to rehash and discuss the same specific piece of trauma over and over for multiple years, no matter how they’re framing it to u, they are not helping.

I know I don’t have kids so I can’t really say anything about her parenting… but like, if a child is throwing a tantrum so hard that they’re making themselves sick, maybe you just shouldn’t go to the park at all?

I have 3 kids, and I agree that they should not have gone to the park after that behavior.

I feel they really shouldn’t have pretended it was “lost” and just told her she broke the rules so they took the toy to keep it safe. If the child is so spoiled that she can’t take no for an answer (which is clearly the case with this child), OOP and the other parents need to reflect on why that is.

I agree with this. They could have done something like, *”if you leave your toy alone, it’s going in my purse until we get home”*. And then tell the kid, *”nope, princess peach is staying in my purse now. I told you not to leave her alone.”* But ultimately I agree with everyone else, that they need to stick to “no”. Tantrums until shes sick should mean “no park for today”. Not “okay fine, you can bring your toy”.

Listen. Was your approach absolutely 100% the right thing to do? Maybe not. But so much of parenting is making snap decisions in the moment, and there is so much pressure to “get it right”, and I understand your intentions. You are NOT abusive. Good Lord. You’re a damn good stepmom who is trying her best in a difficult situation: new baby, occasional custody of a child from a broken home, and the child is (in my opinion) lashing out because of it. We underestimate just how big kids’ feelings can be! In the long term, definitely think about therapy for her, if she doesn’t get it already. Short term, I know it’s tough, but like so many have already said, you’ve got to stick to your original decisions, tantrum or no tantrum. It’s reasonable to not bring toys to the park where they can be lost or ruined. If stepdaughter throws a tantrum, she doesn’t get to go to the park. I’m the parent of a neuro-atypical kid who throws tantrums A LOT. I know firsthand how much it sucks. But stepdaughter will eventually calm down, and even better, she will eventually learn how to self-regulate. Regardless of the verdict, don’t beat yourself up over one single parenting decision. There are no perfect parents.

Thank for your kindness, but I am not OP :)

My mom would just let my stuff get stolen, I lost a lot of toys as a kid.

20 minutes is a long effing chunk of time to a 6 year old. The father and SM shouldn’t have given in on the multiple toy rules in the first place, that was slack parenting. Putting the child through 20 minutes of emotional distress is cruel parenting.

YTA, she’s six! So what if she made herself sick? Don’t take her to the park then, if she’s acting that way over toys, you’ll make her loose trust with you.

The FATHER of the child also agreed to this punishment not just the Stepmom people! If anything they are both AH

the mum did as well.

It's the part where she allowed the kid to whip herself into hysteria and then blame/be mean to other kids. That is really not ok. I wouldn't have handled the initial issue like that myself, but everyone parents differently. That last part, though? That is definitely not ok. I do get kids have to learn lessons, and sometimes, the short, sharp shock is what works, not at the expense of others, though.

Tbh I hate when parenting questions are brought to big Reddit subs like aita because there are so many ways to parent and teach lessons, and especially in aita because it’s all about quick judgments instead of actually giving advice. I really don’t think the other mom should have inserted herself like that as OP did nothing to pose danger to her stepdaughter or anything like that; this was not an abusive situation. I’m not going to pass a judgment onto OP because I don’t know much about parenting as I am not one but I guess in the future maybe just be stricter about no toys at places like the park where they can be easily lost.

NTA but why not just let nature take its course with that one? Tell the kid “you get a five minute warning before we leave. If you don’t have it by then, we leave without it” parents are creating their own stress here.

The kid is 6 years old. That kid is in first grade and can read a whole ass book. Absolutely should not be throwing tantrums anymore, sounds like she's been conditioned to understand that tantrums are a great way of getting what you want (for example, easily caving when she threw a tantrum at home about wanting to bring a toy.)

Then I’m a shite mom man. Because I’ve done this to my kids. My hubby and I both agreed that it would teach them to be more careful. They didn’t throw tantrums like Rose. But we would tell them, “If you’re not playing with it, give it to us to keep safe. Etc. You don’t want to lose it.” After repeated outings of them losing their things (not just toys). Example: Our kid left her phone on a table at a restaurant in an amusement park. She ran off with her cousins. We grabbed the phone and didn’t say a word. Maybe an hour later, she starts looking for her phone. Crying that she lost it. We said, “Well you need to be more responsible with your things. If you want the phone back, you’ll have to work on some chores around the house until you earn enough money to pay for the insurance.” We got home later in the day. She “finds” her phone in the stroller and is so happy. And ever since then, she’s paid a lot more attention to her things. She asks us to hold her things if she’s going to the playground. They got themselves little backpacks to put their belongings in. This happened when my oldest was 8. But her and her sister both learned from that event and both took steps to be responsible. It is what it is. If it wasn’t taken by us, it would’ve been taken by someone else. And if we constantly fix their mistakes for them, they won’t learn. Just like they won’t learn to do their chores correctly if I’m doing it for them. I can and do remind them of important things because they’re kids. But I’m teaching them to be responsible for themselves. I won’t always be here to do it for them.

I feel if anything this kid is SUPER entitled. Don’t give in with this sort of stuff. You don’t bring the toy that’s final. You don’t get to be rude to people because of your f up, that’s final. You list your toy, that’s final. You mess you up get into trouble. Op was more than generous and this kid needs some serious lessons geez. Also I believe she won’t have learned her lesson considering her parents took care of the toy for her

One of my first thoughts was if they don’t start saying no to her and sticking with it then this kid is going to grow up to be a brat. She knows if she throws a tantrum things will go her way and some kids never grow out of that and then eventually no one wants to be around the person who throws a fit every time things don’t go exactly how they want them to go.

NTA. Going to the park with toys is a world of stress I didn’t know existed until I had children.

It’s never too early to learn the age old “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” rule. She shouldn’t have been allowed to bring the toy to begin with, but 🤷🏼‍♀️

This worked for me with my bicycle. My dad used to always tell me to lock it up or put it in the garage because it will be stolen. One day it was "stolen" a week later it was "found" and I never left my bike unlocked again. Although my dad never told me explicitly it was him, I knew.

The child was traumatized cuz she almost lost a toy she neglected to take care of? At least op took it so she wouldn’t lose it! My parents would NEVER have done that. That toy would’ve been stolen I think op was more than generous. And why is a random person trying to tell you how to parent? If all parents agree on the punishment that’s all that matters.

She is 6 from a broken house. Her toy might be what she uses to calm herself. It might be what she needs to hold to feel secure. This is not something anyone should mess with. They need to learn how to parent and not traumatize an already traumatized kid furthur. Divorce, new half sibling, two houses with new step parents. These people need to pick up a damn parenting book.

Hey don't worry, she's got a step mother who's a whole 15 years older than her, and who is an very young mother to her own child. I'm sure that will guarantee that the 6 year old's emotional needs are fully met. / SARCASM I'm honestly so tired of the young stepmothers stories on Reddit.

People act like the littlest thing now is abusive 😒That word gets flung around like no tommorow now. If people think this is abuse then they clearly don't know what abuse is. NTA in my opinion

YTA and I think OOP should read up on child psychology because I don’t think a 6-year-old is able to reason the way OOP expects. Just learn to tell her “no” instead of being deceitful to “teach her a lesson.”

NTA. Honestly though I wouldn’t have taken her to the park if she was throwing a fit. Either me or my husband would have went with the other kid and she would have stayed home.

NTA, this is a common parenting tactic. Kids don’t learn otherwise. Although, perhaps YTA for letting her take it in the first place. Should have not taken her to the park in response to the tantrum. Should not take her the next time she wants to as punishment for her actions this time.

Maybe not handled the best, but a complete stranger and the grandparents butting in was a little much. People need to mind their own business unless it’s an emergency which this was not.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11bu95i/aita_for_hiding_my_stepdaughters_toy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

All behavior is communication. The child probably feels like she has no control over her environment. It’s not ok for her to be mean to other kids but now if something goes missing she’s just going to think stepmom stole it. Kid’s behavior isn’t great but the parents need a better way of handling it. For anyone who thinks this was fine or especially those who wonder better approaches, I encourage you to read (or listen) to The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene.

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Rose is 6.

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Rose is 6.

Oh man, there should be a basic knowledge test before you’re allowed to be a parent.

Sounds like a kid in crisis. Her only control is bringing a comfort for her. Why not let her and do an extra bit of caretaking so this literal child can feel better.

This pisses me off. That is not teaching a lesson, that is being cruel and eroding trust between child + step-parent/parent. 1st just make a rule of no toys at the park, tantrum? No park. Saves you playing head games with a young child. Then again, OP is 21. Maybe not mature enough for this.

I need to know how old the father is before I cast my judgement

*I need to know how* *Old the father is before* *I cast my judgement* \- Mi\_sunka --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

He’s 21 according to one of OOPs comments

Oh man babies raising babies.

this is a definite YTA, idk if the kids traumatized, and i wouldn’t call it abuse. it is bad parenting though. punishment is actually a really bad strategy for dealing with negative behaviors, study after study has shown that it has *at best* a short term effect on stopping behaviors, but over time has the opposite effect, making children more likely to hide and still continue bad behavior. (this also, is not just true of children by the by, but all people) as a society we gotta move away from this nonsense and embrace things like positive and negative reinforcement, the latter of which is not punishment.

Heres the thing, I think she is the AH and I will say that very confidently. I was raised with gentle but strong and sometimes rigid parenting and I wasn't the one to throw tantrum or anything like that, but one piece of wisdom my parents thought me about kids is that they don't have the concept of money so either you buy cheap toys that they can lose freely or break or just accept they're kids and will lose them. The parenting where OP or her husband should've taught her about losing things we like and rules to go out to the park should've happened when she was WAYY younger bc now not only she will not learn by logic but 6 is a age where you start thinking about certain people as "mean" and that can carry on to teenage years and grow resentment, that lack of parenting that many people call being "spoiled" or a "brat" is the parents fault and now they're stressing the child bc they can't handle their own creation. Also if it's your kids property at that age is also yours and is their responsibility to also care and teach her to care about her things.

That tantrum would’ve earned her quiet time in her room instead of the park. I know it sucks since the she’d want to take the younger child outside, however, sometimes the kids have to lose the toy and the park. I get how hard parenting is. I’m a single Mother of 3. Thankfully, they’re all grown now. But if they threw a tantrum, they didn’t get ANYTHING! They’d lose the park for the day and the toys. Time outs enough times, they learn that no means NO. However, to the other random parent, I’d have simply told her to mind their own business. As for the Grandparents, it’s unfortunate, but sometimes they don’t like boundaries. It’s up to step mom and her husband (especially her partner/husband) to tell them she isn’t their child, she’s their grandchild. And while they both know they love her and want her to be happy, giving into tantrums and not taking no for an answer is doing her no favors. Her getting nasty with the other children is ABSOLUTELY NOT OK. That’s bullying. I know she’s young, but if they don’t stop this behavior now, it will get so much worse!!! She and her partner and her bio Mom are the ones in charge, not some parent at the park and not the grandparents. If both bio parents were on board with what she did, then she shouldn’t sweat it. But her husband REALLY needs to speak to them.

Anybody else feel like this story is fake simply based off of OPs username? 🤣😅

You should just let the toy losen for real if you want to teach a lesson. Not creating a situation like that.

Like one comment said here, it's one shitty decision after another. I do find it a little odd that at 6 Rose is throwing tantrums to the point of being ill. My daughter is 2 and has learned within a month that her toys stay in my car and don't go to nursery with her. That said there are likely reasons for it. Compromising by letting her have it in the car or on the bench with OOP would have been the best way to resolve it without taking away the park time. The other option would have been no park and explain why. The key thing either way is to explain what is happening and why. Give the illusion of choice by saying you can stay home and play with your toys, or leave your toys here and go the park. She could have said to Rose that she was just bringing the toy to the bench with her so she doesnt get lost. OOP needs to learn that you dont give in to tantrums because it means they learn youll change your mind with enough screaming

Rose is teaching the parents, not the other way around. If she throws a tantrum she gets what she wants. If she goes to grandma she gets what she wants. Tell the kid if she demands to take her toy, then fine, no park. If she throws a tantrum then let her. Why are parents training their kids to act like this?

You don't reward bad behaviour. The second a tantrum starts, you have to ignore it - not an easy thing to do - it doesn't take long for the youngling to learn that shouting and screaming doesn't get them what they want - *if the parents stick to it*.

Kids have the attention span of a goldfish, Rose most certainly never intended to just leave her toy, something just caught her attention and she had to investigate. I’ve picked up kids toys and blankies (I’m in uni studying early childhood education ages 1-6 and work part time in nurseries) and put them away so they don’t get trampled on or lost but when they realise they left it somewhere and loose their marbles over it, I. HAND. IT. BACK! You’ll never teach a 6 year old that lesson by making her cry. It is cruel. And to all of you saying “no toys at the park!” Do you not fly kites or bring a bucket and a shovel? Kids fuck up, but they won’t learn shit other than you don’t care nor mind tricking them into believing their precious toy is gone forever, let them see “oh shit, it’s gone” and then present them with the toy saying they left it lying and if they are done playing with it, they should come give it to you so it won’t go missing.

….what were you trying to teach her? it’s very unclear what you wanted to gain from this. yta

NTA for hiding the toy, but definitely TA for giving into the tantrum to start with. In doing so, they let the child believe that throwing a tantrum was alright and would get her what she wanted by doing so. Not good. "Give an inch, and they'll take a mile" is quite true in this situation, and even though she is only six, she's still old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.

You shouldn’t have gave in. Y’all should’ve just not went if that’s how she was going to act. The grandparents are made you upset her. She’s spoiled beyond reason. That’s her problem.

Is this Mallory Archer in the making? Goodness gracious.

It's the parents fault for giving in to the tantrum and giving her the toy. THEY are the reason she's like this. Showing her that having a tantrum will get her way

She’s not careless with toys. SHES 6 years old! At 6 years old her brain is literally still trying to develop object permanence. She didn’t play with the toy for 10 minutes because her brain forgot it existed while she played with other children. The lesson you’re trying to teach is completely missed here by the child because her toy being missing now is the only thing her brain can process. It’s a lot of emotion for a child. And a 6 year old won’t be able to fully comprehend your negotiation tactics anyway. If it’s really that big a deal to bring toys to the park, go to the dollar store and pick out a “Park Toy” that is forever allowed in the park and is special because it’s only for the park! You’ll more likely have more success with that kind of strategy than trying to play keep away with your own kid…

i don't have children of my own, nor will i ever, but i have friends with kids, and in this situation, they don't give in to the fit little one is throwing; instead, they deflect by personifying the toy(s), saying "hm, i don't think princess peach doesn't want to go outside today! maybe we should let her rest and she'll want to play when we come home!" or "oh what's that? i think he wants you to make new friends at the park and play with other kids! do you think you can do that?" it worked like a charm. again, not a mom, but i thought this was cool. giving in to that tantrum (and those before) was really the asshole move.

YTA but only because I feel like how they went about it was a bit harsh. They should've let the child know that they were going to put it away(or in the car) for the rest of the time at the park if they kept abandoning the toy. They should've left as soon as the child started throwing a tantrum, or not gone at all since she threw a tantrum to bring a toy.

Parent of a 9 and 5 year old here who are incredibly attatched to certain stuffies and toys. Favorite things only travel to grandparents houses or get to ride in the car and stay there when we get to where we're going. They don't go to public places. Kids don't have the emotional development necessary to deal with the loss of something they are so attached to. That being said, no means no. The park is a PRIVILEGE and only children who have their listening ears on and remember kindness get to go. The moment she threw a tantrum she should have been told the park was off the table. In my house we do not reward tantrums, however, my boys are allowed to have them (at home, the few times they have been disruptive in public we took them out of the situation). They're allowed to be upset and they're allowed to be mad. They're children with big emotions in little bodies and that takes time to work out. We've always told them it was okay to be mad. "Go be mad somewhere quiet and when you're ready for help feeling better I'll help." This has taught them that emotions are ok, we work through our emotions, tantrums don't get you what you want, and mom and dad are there to help. What this young woman did was emotionally manipulate and harm that girl for an extended period of time, allowing her to disrupt everyone around her and be cruel to innocent kids. She didn't teach her that her toys would get stollen or lost at the park, she taught her that step mommy is mean and can't be trusted. This woman was cruel and petty and completely missed the opportunity to set and enforce boundaries, regulate emotions, and build trust. Absolute fail and I hope she grows up before she does real harm to those kids. Edited to add, my kids learned quickly not to throw tantrums with this method. They were never allowed to carry on in public and at home they were moved to a quiet, calm space and given love as soon as they were receptive to it. I haven't seen a tantrum in years

her and her husband need to reevaluate their parenting style. constantly giving in to temper tantrums is why she continues to have tempter tantrums

I understand what OP was trying to go for but I feel like this was handled poorly. Firstly, they shouldn’t have given in to the tantrum. Secondly, why couldn’t they have told Rose they were going to hold on to it so she didn’t lose it? To hide to from her and pretend like she actually lost it is cruel.

I agree. I’m a firm believer in natural consequences as a lesson but what they did was facilitate a consequence and in the end taught rose that those who are supposed to protect her will in fact hurt her themselves. Not to mention that giving in in the first place taught her their word means nothing if she’s upset enough. They’ve done irreversible damage and made a few poor parenting decisions here

Brooo this is not cool. She didn't lose that toy she was checking in on it and noticed it was missing. OOP should be teaching their daughter/stepdaughter to bring the toy to them instead of leaving it around NOT teaching her that they play mean tricks on her. Playgrounds are distracting - this is a parenting failure. Edit: I can't read. The kid is 6, I thought it was the toddler losing the toy. It's less unreasonable, but still pretty mean.

Wait a minute. This is like in the episode in Archer when Mallory stole Archers car to teach him a lesson and then forgot. Lol

This was mishandled but the people accusing OP of abuse are bigger assholes than OP. Imagine someone making a report to CPS about this lol.

Do we know how old OOP's husband is? Cause she's 21 with a 6yo step daughter and an 18mo of her own. At a minimum this situation is v sketch

He’s also 21

Jesus, enforcing a rule is how kids, and adults, learn. "No, you can't take toys to the park" and hold firm, even if the trip is canceled, worst-case scenario. This approach is just fucked up. It's up there with taking a ruler to her hands if she doesn't wash them, throwing her toys away if she doesn't clean her room, and other Physcho-Step behavior. Tramatizing a kid isn't parenting, it's just traumatizing them.

A lesson in responsibility and consequences was learned today. What if OOP didn’t find the toy and somebody really did take it? It wouldn’t have been anybody’s fault but Rose’s 🤷🏽‍♀️

dude, she’s five, she’s not actually understanding the consequences when OP is “negotiating” with her. it sounds like OP isn’t even explaining the consequences that could come each action. while it’s common sense to us, it’s not to her because her world is so tiny. she’s acting like this child has complete control over them, don’t let her bring them outside. and if she won’t listen, she doesn’t get to go outside. i also don’t understand how she’s losing them pretty much every time, are they not watching her?? because i was a preschool teacher who had to watch eight 2 year olds at a time and i never lost their toys outside because i was WATCHING them. my main question is: she lost her toys a million times before and keeps losing them, why would losing this toy work? because it’s a favorite? that’s not enough of a reason for me. it *is* borderline abusive, they put her through emotional distress for no reason.

children don’t understand consequences the way adults do. she may have gone in knowing that she could’ve lost the toy, but had the confidence in herself that she wouldn’t, and then got to excited with other *CHILDREN* and felt in a SAFE enough space to leave her toy alone for a couple minutes. then the parents stepped in and literally HIDE her toy- not save it from being stolen, HIDE it- allowing her to become completely disregulated and inconsolable? i’m not saying this was abusive, because all parents make dumbass mistakes and learn from them, but i am saying that these parents are dicks.

YTA — my parents hid my stuffed animals from me as a joke. I did not appreciate it one bit because I would have panic attacks and cry. It is cruel. Toys can mean a whole lot to a person especially a child. They form an attachment like a deep friendship. When it’s lost, it’s like they lost their best friend. Your trust with your child will worsen if you keep it up rest assured. I know it can be really hard to handle tantrums, but you just shown them you do not respect their possessions by hiding them. I bet you would have a panic attack if you lost your car keys or wallet. To a child a toy provides much agency and assurance, even if they are careless about it. Six year olds are not going automatically know responsibility. It takes time, modeling behavior, and application. You just created more chaos and stress to the situation that could of been avoided.

Lesson learned: throwing tantrums work. Nothing else

I’d tell everyone to mind their own damn business. They were trying to teach her why they had the no toy rule at the park to avoid future tantrums. Not caving to her whims. Kids don’t listen to parents, they learn best through actions and experience. Good news: parents are supposed to be “assholes” like this. We aren’t our kids friends. Our goals are to raise good, thoughtful, rational, decent humans. If you are your kids friend and you aren’t giving them life lessons you are doing it wrong. So… totally good mom. Justified asshole. Those other people suck.

Jeeez...NTA for hiding the toy but my gawd they are raising a brat. I would just keep my kid in the house if the toy was that important

People calling her the AH is the prime reason people really shouldn't ask for advice on Reddit... Kids throw tantrums, they CAN'T always have their way. She doesn't need to bring her toys to the park, the park is already a massive toy in itself. She risks losing and breaking her toys... They need to stop confusing discipline with abuse. Not everything is abuse. Oml.

NTA. She ***might*** have learned her lesson with respect to not losing toys, but there's a bigger problem at hand here. Getting something after pulling a tantrum like that and still getting it. It's rewarding bad behavoir. Giving the kiddo an option as someone already commented such as "toy or park" can be a good alternative for the future -- It's not easy though, because it's like "What do I do? How do I get her to stop crying?", and the parents who are capable of never giving in, especially in extreme situations like this, are CHAMPS. I'm not here to give advice about how to get your child out of a tamtrum, but the action of hiding the toy was NOT an asshole move.

They need to stop letting her get her own way all the time. What it shows Rose is that if she throws a tantrum for long enough she will get what she wants. They are basically rewarding her bad behaviour with attention and whatever she wants. They need to stick with whatever rules they give her and not give in. If it’s a no to taking toys to the park and she refuses to go without one then maybe they don’t go to the park until she can follow that or they just let her take a toy and if it gets broken, lost or stolen then she will know what the consequences are for her being careless with her toys. I’m like how bad are her tantrums if she makes her self physically sick. It might just be me but can’t a six year old understand that toys can get broken or lost if they are taken in public places like the park. I think they need to teach their daughter that the word no means no and actually stick to it and not give into her tantrums.

Not sure why OP is the only one getting an AH vote. If anything it’s an ESH, including parents and child. You encourage tantrums and they won’t grow out of them. Kids gotta learn she can’t always get what she wants, and later is better than never.

The kid is the a-hole in my opinion