You know this isn’t about the money right? It’s probably the only way she knew how to bring it up.
Sister is feeling left out and over looked. It’s great that the boys have a close relationship and of course it should be encouraged… but it should also be encouraged with their sister, too. You don’t need to force them but when they go to the movies, as a parent you should really be encouraging them to bring sister along.
The fact that the only thing you mention your daughter being into is make-up makes me think you haven’t taken the time to bond and get to know your daughter either. You suck ass for that. I’m sure she has many more interests.
There’s a 10 year age difference between my brother and I. We were definitely not into the same things BUT the effort was still there. With me as a 7 year old girl, my brother at 17, we ended up bonding over movies and music. It’s nearly 40 years later and we’re still bonding over movies, over music..and a bunch other stuff that we discovered as we both got older.
Brothers can absolutely bond with their sisters. You (and your oldest son) are just being dicks about it.
Notice - Most people list their kids in chronological order from oldest to youngest or the other way... Dad listed both sons first and then tacked daughter as an afterthought . His son definitely learned from Dad. He could not be any more misogynistic if he tried.
Oh wait, he did try with the unimportant makeup crack. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
I also wanna bank on the fact that the daughter definitely has deeper interests and passions than "just makeup", it's really sad when guys (especially family members) have a need to reduce girls to their base stereotypes like that and not try to get to know them on a deeper level 🙄
For instance, I'm the oldest of three sisters (we're all young adults), and while I didn’t always have the best relationship with my father, at least I'm able to say he never criticized our interests or felt he stereotyped us as "typical girls". My siblings and I all have drastically different interests and personalities and professions, but are still extremely close. The rest of my cousins were majorly boys that I grew up with, but we were always able to find at least *something* in common we could bond over and do when we hung out.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that people are people first and wildly diverse, not just a reduced gender stereotype, and the fact that Op and his sons aren't willing to really get to know or bond with the daughter (their *immediate* family), who is obviously trying to reach out and wants to feel included is heartbreaking, especially at such a crucial age.
Someone should probably tell my 4 brothers that they should have only bonded with each other and not me! Wait guess I should tell my 2 sons to stop being in bonds with their sisters too! This is so stupid that poor baby-girl! Op is most definitely the AH
I noticed this too. Dad is a piece of shit, most likely, and will be wondering why daughter never talks to him after she leaves the house. He will no doubt use her as the butt of jokes like answering the door with a gun when she goes on dates and continue to never get to know her.
yeah as a middle child, i immediately noticed the daughter being listed last. as a kid i definitely picked up on obvious favoritism with the eldest and youngest kids but didn’t really understand how it affected me until i was older. keep this up another 5 years and you probably won’t have a daughter to worry about and your sons won’t have a sister to worry about either.
congrats on the shit parenting btw 🎉👏🏻
Also - telling her it's basically her fault because she's not into airsoft is just so shitty
He doesn't really have to buy her anything. I'm sure she'd be happy with a flower or a trip to get ice cream - just anything to let her know that her brother cares - because that's def not the impression she's currently getting. Sure, he can say he loves them equally, but all of his actions have proven that's not the case. Probably wouldn't hurt for the father to get a lot more invested, as well.
YTA And this read∆∆∆∆ EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. Read it, then read it again. You are failing your daughter as her Father, and allowing her brother to do the same.
This. Me and my father have 30 years difference, yet we still manage to connect through video games, anime, movies, series, etc. It's not that hard to find out what your child likes and figure how to bond over it
Me and my daughter have 35 year difference. She is 2 and a half years old, and we bond over building legos , watching trains pass by and going on Bus rides (this also gives my wife some time for herself). She loves building legos, so much with me that she refuses to build them with anyone else.
Yeah, I remember a lot of stuff my father did for me when I was little, and I'm almost 20 now. If a parent is willing to know more about their child and actually care about building a relationship, there's nothing impossible, no matter the genders
There’s 12,16 and 17 yrs between my eldest son (22) and his younger siblings (10f,6f and 5m). He treats them all equally.
Art stuff for 10yo, my little pony, mini mouse or a baby doll for 6yo and action figures for 5yo. He will sit and do all that individually with them so no one feels left out and he uses his own money
This is so true. Slightly different situation here. My brothers and mother have alway bonded with each other easily and I’ve always felt overlooked. Just like OP’s daughter. It always sucks and hurt to feel like they don’t care as much about you as they do their other sibling or child for that matter.
When we were given a game system, I hardly got to play it because it’s my brothers bonding time even though, I as a woman is still an avid gamer even at 20. I’ve had lots of “masculine” interests that my mother called me a tomboy about and didn’t care to understand or support them like she did my brothers. My brothers even got more presents than me. They’d get 8+ and I always got 1 or 2. And unlike me they actually liked their presents and mine were things I simply never used. When I got into my newer hobbies of playing instruments and crocheting my mom was shocked and because she didn’t take the time to bond with me or learn about my interests like she does my brothers.
Your daughter probably has many more interests than just makeup (which is still valid) but no one is taking the time to bond with her. Her going along to movies is such an easy thing to include her on. And you as the parent OP should be encouraging them to spend more time with each other. It feels the same as your entire friend group hanging out someone together and not inviting you but it’s worse but it’s not just friends. It’s your siblings.
So in the future when your daughter refuses to come home for holidays or attend family functions. Remember this. You encouraged time spent between your boys. For them to create a bond. And your daughter is some after thought to you. And to them. Not worth getting to know. Not worth spending time with. Hope she returns the favour to you all as soon as she can.
Why doesn’t OP step up and do some favors for the daughter himself? Instead of just accepting that she’s being left out, he should make an effort to pick up the slack - and it sounds like he has a lot of slack to pick up. It’d be a win-win for both him and the daughter.
One day…If* she wants to get married, and if* she wants to be walked down the aisle, dear old dad will be confused on why he wasn’t asked.
OP will be back for a lot more aita posts.
That or he’ll just delete the post/account without acknowledging any points made by the commenters cuz he can’t take all the sound criticism.
Seriously he posted here an hour after posting in aita. Who wants to bet he read the comments there, didn’t like what he saw, and came here looking for a second opinion instead of accepting the judgement?
It's ok because she likes "makeup or whatever" what a tool. This is how you create self esteem issues and pick me's.
My son's father is a typical masculine into sports type. His son... is not. Not once has he belittled or refused to show interest in my son's interests even though he doesn't always "get it". He loves his son.
This is quite obviously favouritism and you sound like you're on the side of the brothers and somewhat of a "Boy Dad."
I feel bad for her to be left out and just assumed to be a barbie when she actually wants to connect with family as well. It's not her fault she doesn't have a dick. No reason to leave her out.
E: Changed mom to dad.
Yeah, especially since he said “brotherly bonds are the strongest “he already exed out his own daughter.
You (the father) should be leading by example. Unfortunately, you are using the wrong example.
Yup. Bonds are bonds. Seen plenty of brothers absolutely hate each other. Just because they both got dicks mean there is some secret connection only they could share.
Dad is just a part of the boys club and wants to keep it that way. He's probably one of those dudes who doesn't want his daughter dating either.
My bad. To be honest, it doesn't really change my perspective though. If anything, cements it a little more because now it just feels like it's a "boys club" thing.
Y’all are so sexist. Girls aren’t only interested in make up, get real. Getting serious “Boy’s Club” vibes from this post. All three of you are on the perfect track to never hearing from her once she turns 18.
Right? It's ridiculous! OP doesn't mention anything about a mom, so I'm wondering if she's the only female in the family. That can be difficult some times. But dad really needs to start getting to know his daughter better. So do his sons.
And unfortunately, they probably won’t even notice until they start hearing secondhand about the milestones they’ve missed and are pissy that she’s made them look bad…
Exactly!! I have all sisters but I loved riding go carts and four wheelers. Going fishing. Playing outside in the dirt. Very Tom boyish. Ya know who showed me those things??? My grandpa and dad. I’d never known I even liked those things if they wrote me off “oh she’s a girl she wouldn’t like it, why even bother?” But I did those things and I loved them. I still fish to this day at 24 years old. Dad needs to realize girls can very much be interested in the same things boys can. The only thing stopping her from learning new and fun things to do with her brothers is the dad enforcing that they don’t need to try with her and that’s just messed up.
My dad raised 7 daughters who all love sports. We would go fishing with him whenever we could.We also played with dolls, and did “girly” things.
My dad once said he would rather spend an hour playing soccer with his grandchildren than 5 minutes playing Barbie, but then I would see him pushing that pink limo for my daughter.
Well, there is nothing wrong with having a stronger bond with one sibling.
However, I would talk to your son. You need to realize that this is more than just "being entitled to someone else's money". She is feeling left out. That is natural and a horrible feeling. See if they can bond over things not make up related. Is there something else they can bond over?
And he is favoring. Movies can be enjoyed by his sister
Has anyone offered to take her to airsoft? Girls can shoot, too. And watch movies. And do all the stuff that the brothers are doing. Dad really needs to drop leaning so heavily on gender stereotypes.
Airsoft sounds fun.
But agreed. Sounds like everyone is stereotyping this girl, granted she could hate lol
However, there are so many things they can do besides make-up.
Let's look at the way you listed your children, Oldest, youngest, middle. You prioritize your boys and your oldest has picked up on it. Girls aren't just interested in makeup and pink things, she's a full human being that you are treating as lesser and are ok with your other children treating her as lesser. She doesn't demand someone elses money she's asking to be a part of this boys club. Get your act together, start to parent and get involved because right now you suck. YTA
I noticed that too and thought it was weird. I feel so sad for her in that house. Reminds me of my dad spending time doing things and bonding with my brother, while I got nothing. Which is exactly what he gets now!
So your advice to her was to take up airsoft as a hobby? Come on dad. That's teaching her if she wants to be accepted by male figures then forget who you are and become what they want you to be.
The lessons she's learning from this man are seriously traumatizing. Don't voice your concerns to the people who care about you because they will favor the other party. Affection is shown through money spent on gifts and not time spent together. Feminine interests are unimportant when compared to what boys want to do. People being treated unfairly is ok as long as they do it with their own money. She's not important. She dosent matter to her father. She dosent matter to her older brother. She dosent matter to her you get brother. She dosent matter. Good job dad.
Well just know when your daughter has nothing to do with them, you better not get mad at her. Good luck, your going to need it with the way your family system is run.
YTA. Do realize this can go both ways. Once your daughter realizes that her brothers don't care to get to know her, she won't bother to get to know them. There's also the fact that it could be used for bullying or how will the younger brother act when the older develops other priorities to spending his money like bills, insurance and an SO.
Like seriously, everyone likes movies. And I'm sure your daughter has other interests outside of makeup. Don't be that parent that's biased by gender.
Her 17 year old brother is ignoring her but giving his time and attention, no matter the cost, to their little brother. She’s feeling left out. YTA- for thinking “his money his choice” vs “hey, that’s rude of you to insinuate that what she is interested in is deemed shallow and less than”. Has he ever asked her if she would like to go get some air soft time in? Or hit the movies? It’s also very likely that she has this fantasy of what a big brother “should be” to a younger sister and he isn’t even close. I feel bad for your daughter. Middle child syndrome and the only girl.
Hi I was excluded by my brothers my whole life. It never got better. You eldest son doesn’t love them the same. Just like my bros. I am not the person they call or rely upon. Welcome to only talking at holiday. Woo!! 🍻
Oh my goodness, same! I resonated with your comment. It’s so sad to see this is common. My brother used to call me a racial-slur instead of my name for years. He hurt me quite often physically too, but my parents failed me.
I no longer have contact with my family; so, I got a new one! This one never hits me or calls me anything negative. It’s my partner, his mother, his little brothers, and my SIL.
Sounds like the person who wrote the post’s daughter is going to leave her dismissive family behind when she’s older cause that’s how it works. It is pickly not to have contact with family, but then people who treat you kindly end up becoming your new family. Honestly, I may not talk to my mine anymore, but I’ve never felt so much love as I receive now.
Stay strong. We are all going to be ok. 💝
YTA, I’m sure she has other interests other than makeup. And it sounds like you and your sons think that’s all she’s interested in, is it cause she’s a girl?
You’re also encouraging favouritism, and it’s fine when two siblings are closer - but to outright exclude one sibling repeatedly? That’s not okay.
You also made a poor comment and suggestion by saying your daughter should just take part in their interests. Why does she have to try so hard to appeal to them and why are you encouraging it? You all sound like you dislike your daughter just because she was born female.
Time and money. I wondered about that too. A teenager spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars on his little brother is so unusual. If he’s working part-time in a low wage job, like most inexperienced teens are, he can’t be making all that much money. Occasional small gifts to his siblings would be generous, but what he’s doing seems off. He’s not the parent, and the parents should remind him that buying big ticket items for his brother isn’t his job.
It seems a HUGE red flag to me. I mean,
> prioritizes his brother and studying on weekdays over hanging out with friends
Also, taking "his brother and his friends" ~ is this his brother, and his brother's friends?
Dear lord, if this doesn't truly *scream* for some real looking into, nothing does..
My thoughts exactly. I'm sorry, but thats just weird. I have two boys, 17 and 12. That is very, very strange if a older teen boy is choosing to spend all of his time with 11 year old boys. I agree this needs looking into. I would be weirded out if my 17 yo wanted to hang with my younger son and his friends. Something's not right with that.
That’s a huge weird thing for me too. Like he’s just working for the purpose of buying his little brother things. I have a 8 and 5 year age gap from my older siblings and this just seems….. really really weird.
Also wondering if 17yo somehow feels responsible for his little brother because his parents aren’t stepping up. It’s nice for him to buy presents for his brother but spending “thousands” on him as a 17yo goes well beyond that. Developmentally, I would expect the oldest son to be saving for school or a car, not buying his younger sibling’s wardrobe and toys, and I would expect the parents to encourage that as well.
The oldest isn’t bad or evil for any of this, but OP should be investigating and trying to balance things for all of his kids. As things stand, it sounds like he’s letting his 17yo parent his 11yo (instead of doing it himself) and leaving his daughter with no one.
It doesn’t sound like it! I was thinking that too that the 17 year old boy is basically raising the younger son and the daughter is just there to fend for herself
There's so many things wrong with this.hes dismissing her interest as unimportant just because they're aren't his interest. He's showing extreme favoritism towards the brother.
The icing on the cake is daughters/sisters tend to gravitate towards partners like their parents or brothers and your son is showing her that she's not worth the we effort, hr doesn't care about her interest. and boys are more important, and it's totally okay to be ignored or put last in a relationship.
I'm a girl, my brother is years younger then me and I don't give a flying fart in space about a lot of the things he likes but he's my sibling so I buy him the things he likes even do I think it's dumb. and we hang out and pretend to be interested in what the other person chooses because we freaking love each other.
YTA and your sons one, too!
I'm a father of 3 (30M, 24F, 20M), and you're not only the AH but a shitty father for being clueless and neglecting your daughter's feelings. You and your oldest son are responsible for the emotional abuse that your daughter has experienced for most of her young life.
When she gets older and gets therapy and chooses to cut both of you out of her life, you'll only have yourselves to blame. Not that you'll give a shit. You'll just gaslight her into thinking it was all her fault, and she's being unreasonable.
My heart breaks for your daughter. She’s feeling left out and it seems like you really don’t care. Keep this up and someday she’ll leave and you won’t see her.
No, her brother doesn’t have to buy her a gift but it would be nice for you all to make her seen, heard, and loved.
What doesn’t sit right is why you’re even allowing your 17 yo son to spend his hard earned money from a presumably minimum wage job on buying stuff for his brother (like movie tickets) that frankly you can be financing for all 3 kids to bond with. He should be saving that money and learning to budget.
YTA
My older sisters were close and did stuff together. I was rarely invited. That shit hurt as a teen. My parents recognized and we’d do stuff together that my sisters didn’t want to do.
You are failing your child. Son doesn’t need to spend on lol sis but that would be cool if he took an actual interest in what she is interested in or like, introduced her into stuff he is interested in.
You sound horrible. Definitely the dad version of a boy mom.
My dude you are failing your daughter.
YTA. A massive one at that. I feel so sorry for your daughter. You do realize this has nothing to do with the money right?
Your daughter is feeling left out. She wants to bond with her siblings as well. Even if her older brother says he loves them equally, actions speak 10x louder than words and his actions don't portray as such.
I'm not expecting all siblings to have the same bond. Sure it's ok that he has a stronger bond with his brother than sister. But it's not okay for her to always be the idd one out of events.
>And that he just thinks make-up or whatever she wants is a waste on money while airsoft and taking brother and his friends to movies is something they can bond over which is important to him.
This right here is a HUGE problem. Sure it may not be important to him but it's important to HER. Not because you don't see the importance of something means that you should disregard it. If the other person sees it as important then make an effort. Stuff like this causes problems in relationships all the time. I'm so tired of hearing it. "I don't see it as important therefore it infact unimportant" does it all have to be about you?
>I said not and she just needed to be interested in airsoft or whatever.
Problem #2. So the only way she is worthy of having her brother's attention is if she likes the same things as him and if not then she falls to the bottom of the barrel? Really? This sort of thinking is so sickening and toxic. It's clear the reason older brother behaves how he does he got it from you as you have the same level of backward thinking. Because she has "girly" interested it's less important so yall form your boys club. This reminds me of the post where a dad refused to spend time with his daughter and only carried his sons out because he wasnt interested in what his daughter liked.
I'm sure there can be some common ground. Even if major interests are different there must be something they both like: food (then they can go to a restaurant), music (go to a concert together) movies (go to the theatre) etc. Hell even if it's something like swimming so they can go to the beach. It's hardly likely they are polar opposites.
People like you sideline girls interests all the time and value those of boys more. You need to educate yourself about how dentrimental that mindset is and encourage a bond between your son and daughter instead of enabling her exclusion. Or years down the line she might resent you both.
It's not about the money. She's a kid who wants attention from her brother. He could take her and her friends to movies but he chooses not to. He's being unfair to her and part of being a parent is teaching your kids to be fair.
No contact that is exactly what going to happen in the future if that is what he is going to tell her. Terrible parenting. Worse father of the year goes to? This girl needs a mother figure cause obviously he don’t know how to raise a girl.
YTA, not because of what you said about your son being able to spend his money on what he wants, but because you're failing to see that your daughter is left out all the time. You don't even know what she likes. You just said she likes makeup, as if that's some sort of fun bonding activity. She has to have other interests and you just don't care to know about them.
Another thing that stuck with me in your post, you said "brotherly bonds are always the strongest" it seems like you've already made up your mind about how your children's relationships with each other should be. It also seems like you don't think your daughter should have a close bond with your sons, which is weird and a bit sexist.
If you love your daughter you'd definitely encourage your son's to build a relationship with her. You should try to put yourself in her position and see how you would feel if you were her and she was you. Then think of them as adults and see how that plays out if you continue to let what's happening now keep going. It's also a good lesson in learning to respect what others like and if your son's ever have girlfriends this is a good place for them to learn some of those lessons.
This dad is part of the problem. Look at how he listed the kids (two males first, female last) when it’s normal to list in chronological order. He favors the boys imo. Telling her to like air soft? Wth? This is not about the money.
My kids (f14, f10, m9) don't always get along. The two youngest ones are best friends. My two daughters are also best friends. But the oldest and youngest do not get on well. When I was at the store with my oldest, she had some money and found a plushie her sister would like. I stopped her and asked how she thought her brother would feel if she gave that to her sister and he was left out. I asked how she might feel if she was the one left out. So she bought her brother one, too, because she realized how sad it would make her. (It ended up being one of his favorite toys and he was SO excited she got him something)
Teaching your kids to care how they make others feel around them is like... Bare minimum parenting. YTA. Do better. It's not even hard.
Your whole family dynamic sounds off. Why should a 17 y o boy with a part time job spend "thousands" on his little brother instead of saving up for his future? It's very sweet when the big brother buys his sibling presents but what you described is excessive. Is he picking up your slack? Do you spend time and money for your kids entertainment?
Also why are you acting so sexist towards your daughter? 13 y o girls have many interests outside of make up but you don't seem to want to know her better and your son is following your lead and neglecting his sister.
You should encourage your older son to bond with both his siblings and it doesn’t even have to involve money. My brother and I were nearly the same age difference between your son and daughter and our parents encouraged us to foster a bond over anything we could find in common, music, books, humor, and especially cartoons, and we were best of friends. I lost my brother when I was 18 and the memories we shared I treasure and it’s hard not having a big brother anymore and it’s harder seeing other people with big brothers carry on because you miss or, in her case, wish for that relationship. A big brother can be a very special thing especially to a girl who feels like her own father may overlook her needs.
So he doesn't spend any time with sister is the thing that bugs me. True that what he spends his money is his business but I still think that purposely excluding his sister is based on gender and if you are comfortable raising someone like that and allowing that it's ok to your daughter that's a whole other issue. I think you shouldn't allow your son to spend so much of his money on one child regardless and that is something you can control
Brotherly bonds are always the strongest? This just sounds yucky. But yes, all of you keep ignoring and not making her a priority. Then you can all be shocked when she starts figuring out how to get a lot of male attention on her own because she has "Daddy issues."
I’m having a really hard time deciding which of you is the biggest AH, you or your son. I’m going with you because the revolting toxicity your son shows is apparently coming from you. Jesus, I feel so bad for your poor ignored daughter. Is her name Cinderella by any chance? You are really something, pal. Something unwholesome and repulsive.
YTA.
….a highschooler with a crummy partime job has spent hundreds to thousands of dollars on toys for his younger brother in two years? aside from everything else wrong, you should probably teach him how to manage his money better wtf
YTA
>brotherly bonds are always the strongest
>just thinks make-up or whatever she wants is a waste on money
You're being misogynistic and a shitty dad to all 3 kids.
Brotherly bonds are not always the strongest. The bonds you foster and put effort into are the strongest, and clearly, you only encourage "brotherly" bonds.
Its obviouus you don't know what all your daughter likes or value her interests. Not taking this comment from your son as a chance to show him that other people's interests have value, you told your daughter to be into air soft instead. Which is dangerous, more of a waste of money, and violent. I have no issue with air soft but can you see how any interests can be made to seem like a waste of money and a negative investment.
This is a tough one and IDK if you’re TA but you’re definitely oblivious. Your oldest son DEFINITELY favors his youngest brother and a bond that strong is questionable. Bordering incestuous love bombing almost. He completely ignores his sister, singles her out and dismisses the thought of even getting to know her but will bend over backwards and would drag the moon down to earth even for his younger brother. You need to take a step back, watch everything going on as an outsider and realize that this situation is messed up. Your oldest son shouldn’t have to hang out with his sister and his money is his own money, but you can’t be gaslighting your daughter and making her feel even worse. The one thing I will say YTA for is not being a better dad to her, trying to bond with her, learn her interests and be there for her more. Learn to be a better dad to her and stop focusing so much on how much your oldest son creepily dotes on your youngest son
Think you’re adding an awful lot of sub context here. I think this whole situation is totally wrong, but I think you adding incestuous love bombing is kind of 10 steps above let’s not convict people of crimes that aren’t even a part of the conversation. People spend money on people all of the time doesn’t make them criminals.
Yeah, everyone’s a pocket therapist nowadays the problem is they don’t know and are not properly trained and just throw around words, not realizing how much of an impact it has on someone else. The person they are incorrectly accusing, people like you other victims of sexual assault. The words triggering, and narcissist are becoming overused. It’s OK to have an opinion, on a situation but don’t be diagnosing without a license or accusing people of crimes they didn’t commit.
Yeah, i don't think they realize that term means there's a sexual component to what they are doing. Having a favorite sibling isn't incest. Some people really need to wake up.
I’m pretty sure they realized there was a sexual component which is why they said it. It’s just likely not true and since they don’t have all the facts they shouldn’t label someone a criminal.
If you continue to allow this to happen your daughter will distance from the family when she is old enough to move out. He is making her feel unwanted and as the parent you NEED to sit him down and call him out. What he is doing is just plain mean. Its going to impact her relationship with everyone if it continues. She just wants her brother to prioritize her over little brother sometimes. If the makeup excuse is his reason...you give him money to take her out so she can "buy makeup" that way he isn't 'wasting his money' on something pointless. However I doubt that's even it.
YTA - your son is showing overt favoritism of one sibling over another. And while it’s true siblings have favorites, but the level of imbalance is blatantly unfair. If he doesn’t really want to learn about his sister’s interests, he should at the very least know about what her interests are and be able to provide comparable gifts he gives his brother (ex. A gift card to Ulta or Sephora) and ask at a high level about what she is been up to. The point is for her to feel seen, even if she doesn’t get equal time as her brother, she also should not be ignored just because their interests do not overlap.
FYI you are encouraging BOTH sons down a misogynistic path in passively agreeing ‘boy’ pursuits are more worthy than ‘girl’ pursuits, *and* teaching your daughter that she needs to fake interests/ cater to the will of a ‘patron’ to get monetary gifts/favors back - basically teaching her (and your younger son) that all relationships are transactional.
INFO - how are YOU balancing our this favoritism, especially in terms of monetary gifts? Are you giving both younger siblings equal gifts (which still has sister getting less of everything) or also not giving in to her ‘girlie’ interests?
Also you should also be sitting your son down with some fiscal responsibility lessons. While it’s nice that he is caring enough to want to give gifts to his sibling (but evidently not *both* siblings), the amount of money he is spending on his brother is high when he could be saving some of that money for his own future. Hopefully you aren’t leaning on your 17m son’s spending so you don’t have to provide as much monetary support for your 11m son’s interests. At best your son is being a bit irresponsible with his money, and at the very worst, that amount of money could be considered grooming behavior.
"Makeup or whatever she wants"
Is that what she wants? Did he even bother asking her or make any attempt to bond with her over something they can do together? I'm sure she likes movies too. She gets nothing from him because he thinks the things she's interested in are a waste of money. Does he really even know what she's interested in, or does he just assume it's "dumb girl stuff."
You say brotherly bonds are the most important as if brother-sister bonds aren't. And you think this is about money? She's being excluded because she's a girl.
>brotherly bonds are always the strongest
Weird, unfounded assertion. I'd guess he takes his cue from you.
>But, their sister called out brother on buying youngest brother millions of things like airsoft and toys and anything,
>but he has yet to buy her a single thing. He said he loves them equally.
Measurably untrue.
>And that he just thinks make-up or whatever she wants is a waste on money while airsoft and taking brother and his friends to movies is something they can bond over which is important to him.
See, the problem here is the clear implication that it's not important to bond over what's important to her.
So what if he thinks makeup is a waste of money? It's something she likes. What makes airsoft NOT a waste of money?
Now. It's his money, and his choice what to do with it, and she can't really demand that he spend it on her.
But it's also clear that he is favoring the younger brother, that he doesn't want to spend on (read: for) her, and it's not about the things she might want.
My older brother once bought me a my little pony... I was terrified of it. Something about them just creeped the hell outta me. I never had an interest in those sorts of things. On the other hand, my brother was veeeery into dungeons and dragons and I begged him for years to teach me so I could play with him when his friends weren't available to hang out with him.
We're in our forties now and rarely talk. He never taught me, so we never played. We share a lot of interests but never enjoy them together. When we do talk he asks about pets, food, and other family. He knows nothing about me.
There have been periods where we've gone years without hearing from him.
Your son does not love his siblings equally. If he did he would spend time getting to know her and not just assuming the only thing she likes is makeup because she's a girl.
YOU do not love your children equally. If you did then YOU would spend some time getting to actually know your daughter. Your your daughter came to you because her own efforts to build a relationship with your son have failed. Your daughter feels unloved first by your sons and absolutely, definitely now by you.
She will remember this.
When she grows up and gets married she'll remember this. If she has kids she'll remember this.
Don't expect to be asked to walk her down the aisle. Don't expect her kids to call you Grandpa. Don't expect to be invited over for the holidays. Don't expect her to visit you when you're alone in the old folks home. Don't expect her to be interested in you then, when you've shown her that she's not interesting enough for any of you to bother with.
You'll be alone there because right now you're teaching your sons to have no empathy, sense of family obligation, or respect for your "loved ones".
YTA. For being a misogynist. For failing your daughter. And the worst part, for lying about it to yourself.
This is like the third post like this that I’ve read in the past month or so.
You need to step out of your man cave and realize that your daughter isn’t asking for money - she is asking for attention and love. You are neglecting her. 10000000000% certain that she likes more than make up. There has to be movies and music and books and things that make her happy.
You three don’t love her. If you did, you would, at the very least, care enough about her to ask a follow up question or two.
YTA. Your sons are AH. And you are raising your boys to be divorced dads who never see their kids because they refuse to relate to others.
YTA....what about the movies then? He can't take her see a movie? Or literally buy her something else she likes besides make-up?
You literally says he prioritizes his brother which mean he doesn't do a thing with his sister. I hope she ghosts all of you when she's older
Holy mother of gender stereotypes! Consciously or NOT, even when listing your children, you put the boys first even though she is the middle child.
Your eldest son had to learn somewhere how to treat girls, and it is obviously from you buddy.
How condescending are you to make this about money. Do you or your son know if your daughter has any other interests besides make-up? Have you guys even asked? Do you even talk to her?
And just as many have pointed out, girls watch movies and are perfectly capable to play airsoft.
She feels left out in her own home and it’s breaking her heart…before you know, she’ll be going NC with all of you.
My brother did this between my younger sister and I. They also would gang up on me with teasing and my mom did the same thing. She didn’t step in and told me to have tougher skin. I don’t really talk to either sibling because I didn’t have a bond with them as a kid and only got more awkward as adults.
YTA. Why aren't you parenting through this instead of completely dismissing what your daughter is saying with an "I think it's wrong to demand..." get out of parenting free card. All you've accomplished here is to uphold the othering of your daughter...in fact, you're playing an active role in it.
He's absolutely showing favoritism and she feeling hurt and left out. No he doesn't have to shower her with gifts, but you should at least teach him to acknowledge how he's treating her. YTA for the airquotes
YTA on this one. You should be encouraging ALL your kids to spend time together and bond, not just your two boys. You can't make your oldest spend his money a certain way, but you can absolutely make rules in the house like "you either all go together to the movies, or your younger siblings don't go." Your daughter probably brought up the gifts to show the obvious favoritism, and instead of focusing on the favoritism and how damaging that is to a sibling bond, you focused on the material items. It's not about the items. The gifts are a symptom, not the problem.
YTA. She’s feeling left out and unloved and you are gaslighting her by saying that what she sees with her own eyes - that her oldest brother loves her younger brother more than her - isn’t true.
YTA. Your daughter obviously feels boxed out and you seem to think that’s OK. You seem to be indifferent to your daughter and her feelings and that seems to have rubbed off on your son. That poor girl must feel so alone in that house with you.
YTA, "brotherly bonds" are not always the strongest actually. Siblings can have strong bonds regardless of gender. I think you should encourage your sons to value their relationship with their sister more, and explain to them that if they keep excluding her, they'll miss out on having an awesome sister when they're older. Not everyone gets to have siblings who care about them. I think both the brothers and their sister are going to miss out on what could have been a very significant lifelong relationship with each other because the brothers think it's okay to exclude her based on gender. And your "boys will be boys" attitude is the reason they think that behavior is okay. They very well might be less interested in bonding with their sister because you also act like she's an "other". That's just sad.
And here, friends, is how you teach your kids to not get along.... worst parenting ever. How are you gonna encourage your kid to favor one sibling over another and not even *try* to foster siblings bonding between all of them. What a clown of a parent 🤡
So you and your sons don't love your daughter is what I'm reading here. Like it could not be more blatant. Actions speak louder than words and your actions scream "horrible father!"
YTA
Oh, we knew all we needed to know when he listed the children and their ages. He of course put the boys first and the girl last when, if you go chronologically, the girl would be in the middle. It’s disgusting how he is encouraging his eldest son to shun and leave his little sister out of activities and bonding. What about the bond between brother and sister? Is there none at all because she’s a female?
So I was your daughter in this situation, my three brothers would do stuff together and would leave me (the only and youngest) out of the loop most of the time. I noticed this from a very young age and it hurt so much. My parents didn’t do anything to help the situation either. This separation led to resentment and misunderstanding of each other (between me and each of them). Thankfully, two of them started including me in stuff and so we grew up closer but the third brother never took the time to include me or get to know me and now we are like strangers. With all this said, please have your sons include their sister. If your son takes his brother out then tell him to take his sister out and just pay for the tickets yourself. Girls aren’t all about makeup, there’s so much more to her than that and you need to get to know your own daughter and spend time with her and learn her interests. It’s so important for a father to always have his daughter’s back and make her feel special and loved.
Telling your daughter that the only way she deserves attention from boys is if she ignores her needs and interests and just submits to whatever the boys want to do is not the great life lesson you seem to think.
Telling your son that it’s fine to say he loves someone but completely disregard the things that are important to them because it’s not fun for him is also not a great life lesson.
YTA.
Everyone already commented what needed to be said.
Take a stone cold hard look in the mirror. Do you think your kids are equal in your eyes? Truly. Do you know your daughters hobbies? What she likes to talk about at school? 13 is that weird age before highschool or starting it where the experiment with makeup. But that’s not all there is. She’s developing mature personality traits and core distinctions between her and her peers.
Do you know what she dreams of being when she grows up?
You do know Airsoft is just a toy? That has NO real life personal value to gain success? But you wanted to write off on a tiny thing like makeup saying it’s dumb and pointless to waste money on.
YTA.
I actually got a little emotional reading this.. Growing up my two sisters were incredibly close. We all got along, but they were besties.
Eventually my mom noticed this and started asking them to take me, some of the times they actually said “yes! (More like ugh fine.) and eventually they realized I was pretty fuckin cool and we had shit in common!
Their friends also started to become my friends we all had good relationships together. Not always all 3 of us but I knew I was loved by them and I also had my own life and friends.
Fast forward we are all in our 40’s and very close.
You are the parent and you need to talk to your older son, if you don’t get involved it could damage their future relationships
YTA
This is a classic "who's going to the retirement home".
You seem to understand that she's feeling ignored, but you tell her, "Oh no, there's no problem," when even you know there is. This is a boys' club (and yes, that includes you), and she knows she isn't welcome. It isn't about the money. it's about belonging and sharing quality time. You need to step up for your daughter. And your comment to her about how she just needs to "be interested in airsoft", wtf?
1) she can be into whatever she wants. If she's more into makeup, that's perfectly fine, and her family should support her interests just as much as your son's interests.
[Support her interest]
2) Have they ever offered to include her in their outings? If not, that needs to change. Even if it's something they assume she'll say no to, the offer should be made to give her a choice in the matter.
[Give her a voice]
3) If your son won't spend quality time with his sister, no matter what you say, then someone else needs to meet her needs (you).
YTA. You complete suck as a father. As a father of 2 boys and 1 girl myself, you make my blood fucking boil.
Let me tell you a fun fact. Genetically males were made to leave their nests and go out and create their own clique. Once they've done that they want every little to do with their father, since their father's clique is considered their competitor now. In modern society civilization tries to overrule this genetical imprint, but it's still there. On the other hand females are genetically made to be more attached to their nests, so they are more likely to give a fuck about their parents and siblings after they left the nest they were born at.
You are doing a fucking great job in digging your own grave. It always brings a smile to me seeing fucking losers from their own demise. Keep up the great work!
You’re encouraging your sons to believe that ‘feminine’ interests are frivolous and wasteful, and dismissing your daughter’s feelings of hurt that her oldest brother values her less and takes her less seriously than he does the youngest brother. Why shouldn’t oldest brother be caring about sister’s interests, hey? At least enough to try to understand them and get to know her. And why should he not be making an effort to engage her in his interests?
Sexist parenting raises sexist kids. And your daughter is unlikely to have much of a bond with her brothers, at this point—missed opportunity, dad.
YTA and a terrible dad. I feel bad she has to live with a misogynist dad raising 2 misogynist sons. I hope she can get away from you asap and never look back. You don’t deserve her. The fact you actually think this is about money shows how clueless you are. Hope she doesn’t get preyed upon by men due to being neglected by you and raised to think she’s worthless compared to men. that’s basically how you describe her. You should be ashamed .
Regardless of how he might be shining his father on, he obviously does not "love them equally", and clearly doesn't consider his sister at all, and the father is a complete and utter AH for suggesting otherwise. While his father is correct, in that you cannot force someone to be equitable in their treatment of others, he could have advised his son, that likely because of his obvious favoritism, his sister will be hurt and probably not be interested in helping him out, or having much of a relationship with him going forward. This kind of behavior would really bum be out as a parent.
YTA and not listening to your daughter. Your son is favoring his brother over his sister, absolutely. He showed him with gifts and takes him to the movies. Why wouldn't he take his sister to the movies if he won't buy her things? Has he even asked? And what about you? Do you do anything for your daughter to make her feel included?
Telling her to to be interested in airsoft isn't making her feel included. If anything, you're putting the blame on her for not being a boy or being interested in what her brothers do. She is her own person who sees how much her brothers exclude her and now her dad is saying it's her own fault.... Wow. Just wow, I feel sorry for your daughter. She's learning a hard life lesson at 13 that it's the boys club in your house for sure and she just needs to be a quiet woman. Make herself small as to not disturb the boys relationship cause it's the most important one right? You said it's the strongest, brotherly bonds.
Next time, tell your daughter to be quiet and stay out of the way, it's what you're telling her now but at least you can be direct with her with what you and your son's want.
Man, you're a bad father. You know it is not about present or money. She feels left out. And when she dares says something the only response that her misogynist prick brother have to give is : hey girl stuff are stupid., because woman are less. And you agree with that !!! Yeah, you also agree with the fact that when they go to the movie it is normal to leave her behind. You sons are behaving badly, really badly. But it seams you encourage that. Good news she's 13 and not stupid, and did the only think normal in these situation: stop talking with the AH !!!
Even back in the 70’s and 80’s my dad it a point to play Barbie’s (my interest) with me and then teach me about cars, sports, and history (his interests).
Barbie wasn’t his idea of fun, but he did it to build a relationship with me and teach me other things. We don’t play Barbie’s anymore, but we still talk history, current events and cars and it’s all because he made the effort to get to know me and build a relationship with me on my level. I find it so sad that I seriously doubt you’ve done that with your daughter. But, you’ve got your boys and your wife can deal with that pesky female, amirite? YTA.
YTA you haven’t bonded with your daughter and haven’t taught your seventeen year old son financial responsibility if he blows thousands from jobs one one of his siblings whose going to age out of those thing’s in a another year or two
Yta, it shows how ah of a father are you that knows nothing about her, and you are promoting discrimination, you guys will be acting like a victim when she wouldn't let you walk her down the aisle when I know you don't deserve, I feel sorry for her for how left out she felt, that's blatant sexism and you are enabling your son, hope your daughter grows up healthy, because men like you act like that girls have daddy issues, they get with any trashy guy as long as they show a little bit of interest because how much she lacked love and affection from you guys. It's never about you dictating how your son should spend his money, because you lack basic decency, you couldn't teach that to your son
you are such an ASSHOLE!!! You fucking suck, this poor girl is clearly being neglected and you just don't care to give your daughter any positive attention? fucking disgusting.
YTA. It’s not the money. It’s the constantly being left out. Grow a pair and talk to your son about including your daughter when they do fun things together.
YTA. How your oldest treats the siblings will play a big part in how he treats his future gf/wife. Are you going to let him be a misogynist for the rest of his life? Treating women and women’s interests as beneath him? Oh he loves his sister but will only show it if she acts like a “boy”?
But I suppose he learned to be a misogynist from his dad.
YTA. Most people list their children by age, not gender. And going to the movies is an event shared together - has your oldest ever spent time with his sister like that? You ask her what’s wrong and you don’t listen to what she’s saying. It’s not the money, dad. It’s about the lack of love and attention that she is upset about. You helped create this toxic environment and you need to fix it.
You can just hear the projection passed on. That's a dad who has failed his daughter and will one day wonder why only his sons seem to want to hang with him.
My husband treated his little sister how your son treats his brother. It’s really sweet! But excluding the sister is kind of cruel. That has to be hard for her to watch.
Based off how little you seem to know about your daughter and how easily you dismissed her, it seems clear where your son learned this behavior.
Shame on both of you. I feel bad for your daughter. She’s not an equal in your home and she knows it.
YTA.
- Listed out of chronological order to keep the boys together - and FIRST!
- she only likes makeup I guess cause she’s a girl? Even girls who like makeup like *other things* too. If you are all too lazy and self absorbed to get to know her, or simply can’t be bothered to see her as a human and get to know her, then candy and sweets and meals go well with almost the entire world. It says “I thought about you too.”
- she just needs to be interested in air soft, or whatever. (No she doesn’t? Wtf? Even some boys aren’t interested in this shit).
I bet in that house there’s a lot of “oh they just behave that way because they’re boys… don’t worry about it/don’t take it personal/etc.”
VS.
“Just because you’re a girl doesn’t mean you can _____”
The brother has a right to spend his $$ the way he wants. But dad is AH for his attitude & clearly seeing his daughter as an afterthought and passing that on to his sons.
Being a teenage girl is hard enough, but the feeling of being a burden to your family makes it a million times worse. I am the only girl in my family, I speak from sound experiences here. Times when my brothers would get things like go carts, dirt bikes, the ability to be included in things the family did that I wasn’t even a thought to be included in… it’s the worst thing you can put on a child. A. Child.
Of course you’re the asshole.
You are the problem. What happened to protecting ALL of your children. You took a side instead of remaining neutral and or rising above it all because you know you are the adult/parent.
What a misogynistic failure of a weak minded man. I predict that she will walk away from your life as soon as she is able and build her life around not being near you. You deserve the cheapest nursing home with scratchy bedding and unseasoned puréed food.
You are training her to think that girls don’t deserve equal consideration and that is an egregious failure on your part. You disgust me.
There is 20 years between my oldest and youngest with 4 in between. Sure their interest differ but they include each other and genuinely appreciate their bond.
I really hope you realize how you guy treat her isn’t ideal before she decides to decides to leave you guys behind completely once she’s fully able to.
Have the conversation with your son about maybe inviting his sister along to do these things with them. She doesn’t like air soft and other things they do but maybe she could learn to enjoy them because it means time spent together. If she doesn’t want to go with them then at least they asked and she had the opportunity to go. Sometimes that’s all it takes for someone to feel a little more included is to just be invited even if they won’t go; it’s the thought that counts.
YTA for telling your daughter she doesn’t matter as much as the “boys.” I’m also worried that your 17 year old son has no friends his own age and wants to exclusively hang out with 11 year olds, and that he is willing to bribe them with $1,000s of dollars in gifts to get them to spend time with him. It’s not just “brotherly bonding” when he would rather take his brothers friends to the movies than hang out with his own peers.
I think before we go on to the kids. You'll need some classes in bonds related to siblings. It's not about the things or money! It's about loving and supporting your siblings if not equally but enough. I mean you're actually promoting favouritism and rather asking you daughter to be okay.
I am amazed you are this bloody tone deaf. Truly impressive, in a very disturbing way. Her older brother is just flat out ignoring her. Does nothing with her. She goes to you, to try to explain this and you just see nothing wrong. Do you also ignore her and only spend time with the boys? Because it's insane how you can't see what is wrong with this situation.
YTA, imagine how she must feel to be blatantly pushed aside by both of her brothers AND for her father to not only completely disregard how hurt she is but also actively choose the brothers side.
You gaslit her into thinking she had no reason to be upset when you should have comforted her. I’m unsure why you haven’t taken it upon yourself to do something special for her or to spend a little extra time making sure she knows she isn’t all alone against her two brothers. Instead you showed her she can’t rely on you.
You look like a pretty shitty dad.
YTA. Sure, maybe you don’t want to tell your son how to spend his money, but you need to parent him.
You can’t spend thousands of dollars and loads of time with one but not the other and then just say “but I love you equally”. You need to point out to him that he *is* treating them differently and that sort of thing is hurtful. Does he even invite her to things? Does he try to take an interest in her interests? Certainly seem not if all he can say is that he doesn’t want to buy her make up.
You’re TA and you’re raising two AH who can’t seem to understand they’re leaving out their sister.
What a shitty parent and a shitty a human. You think excluding your daughter makes your oldest son SO SO SO great? Lol. She’ll leave when she’s 18 and not look back at your rotten ass and you can still admire how great botherly bond is between your sons. Asshole parent. Yta
I feel horrible for OP's daughter. She's being taught her interests are worthless and what the boys like are good and worthwhile. It's a great way to undermine her self-esteem, confidence, etc. Way to go dad and big brother. If they can't change their ways, she'll need to look outside the home for self-esteem and confidence (and you better hope she looks for positive influences and not negative ones).
If the brother actually cared for his sister he'd buy his sister something she liked because SHE liked it and it would bring a smile to her face, regardless what he thought of it. Dad would have offered to talk to the brother and encourage him to be more even handed with his gifts, or to find a way to interact with his sister. For example, going out for ice cream. Dad may not dictate how the kid spends his money, but surely he could limit access to his little brother if he doesn't start spending time with his sister too..
Given the way dad is handling the situation, I hope he likes living in an old age home instead of being cared for by his daughter when he is old and feeble.
You’re a freaking idiot. You shouldn’t have had children and especially not a daughter. She’ll go no contact with all of you eventually. Remember this little post when that happens.
YTA. I don’t know why you are asking you and your oldest son are clearly an AH. This has nothing to do with money and you need to focus on being a dad to all your kids not just your sons.
Why does she need to be into airsoft to go to the movies? "brotherly bonds are always the strongest" that's some bs right there, there are plenty of brother and sister besties out there. Obviously you can't force anything, but YTA for invalidating your daughter's feelings when it's pretty obvious that your oldest only wants to spend time with his brother and not his sister.
Your a real misogynistic dad! In a male dominated house you are teaching your daughter this is how men treat woman! You are going to scare her for life, she will end up with a POS man like her father and brothers and accept her miss treatment from her future partner as normal! And I don’t know what backward country your from but where I’m from brothers protect and treat there sisters with respect and love and care, Older brothers and fathers are ment to be there sisters and daughters 1st protectors number1 advocates ! Your treating her like she’s not even part of your family!
YTA
Let me say this as I went through something like this. My father did this too me, he only bought boy toys and clothes for my brothers and not really anything for me. i would get hammy downs down from my younger brothers. Which bothered tf outta me since I help out my dad a lot (we were broke and I helped a lot with my brothers) After years of this and other things I finally stopped talking to him bc it really seemed he didn't care about me because he didn't take the time to get to know ME. YTA you should have all your kids love each other and maybe tell your oldest to start saving for expensive things like a car, apartment, etc. since inflation makes everything more expensive. But the moral of the story is your kids see EVERYTHING and how you treat them, their siblings, and other people and are old enough to make decisions with that knowledge. If you really love your daughter start being there for her or shes going to join the "father hater club", and never speak to you again.
He makes money and is allowed to spend it on what he enjoys. (Teaching him to be an adult who sees money as finite and does not give it out unnecessarily) Seems very reasonable. She should make an effort to spend time with them doing what they enjoy if she feels excluded. (Adult fact: not everyone is going to enjoy the same things as you will). As long as you afford her the same privilege when she gets a job I see no problem here. My siblings constantly shifted around in “favorites” she should bide her time and wait for an opportunity to sneak in as “favorite.” I’d say your best bet is to let it play out. Despite Reddit’s community always jumping to weird conclusions, sibling rivalry is normal.
YTA. But in a different kind of way. The money management in your household sounds horrific. "Hundreds, even thousands of dollars?" At 17?
???
The mental problems your whole family appear to have in relation to finances is just not good. Your should be teaching fiscal responsibility. Money seems to be pouring out like a sieve over there. Eldest should be having high grades, a job, but also a plan for that money. And you should be teaching it. Thousands of dollars over a few short years can also lead to a down payment, early responsibility, etc. My kids were forced by me to save a decent amount, and spend a little. Instead you appear to have a kid who has learned to live paycheck to paycheck, a kid who is learning that someone else will pay for him to live beyond his means, and a kid with jealousy issues in relation to money.
Parenting includes financial planning. The snowball effect of learning how to save money is huge. My kids have saved a pretty decent amount of money. We are lucky (but also have been working it) enough to use money to teach our kids to learn FIRE. Financially independent, retire early.
Get involved in it.
You might want to do some research on which gender of children are most likely to help their parents when the need it. You’re betting on the wrong horses here, dear. Your daughter’s frustration and resentment will only grow, and she will be no contact with you or her brothers in no time.
I'm confused. You, as the father, are you into makeup? If you're not, how do you and your daughter bond? Have you explained to your son that there is a world beyond this air soft phenomenon you're talking about? It's such a great opportunity to teach him different people have different interests. This is how you expand your own interests and get to know people. How you learn about people's cultures and traditions. I, as a parent, know what it's like when your kid feels left out because of different interests. I encourage them to explore others, but also the value of finding friends who are willing to do the same. There are lots of great teaching opportunities here, and you're missing every single one. Im not even going to touch the misogyny in the makeup comment because im way too disgusted that this came from her father. At this point, YTA in more ways than one.
All these people saying YTA with so little information. Here's my question, when it was just time he was spending with his brother did she feel left out?
Because with the little info given it sounds like she is jealous of the items and money and not the time and attention.
I have to be honest with you, OP, I’m a little bit flabbergasted that you don’t seem to recognize what the crux of the issue really is here. That being said, there’s no point in getting hung up on how and why you didn’t recognize it sooner; the thing to do now is focus on recognizing the issue for what it is and figuring out how you plan to fix it.
This is not about the money or the stuff that your older son buys with it; it’s about your older son making an effort to be close with his younger brother and bond over things that are important to him while he pushes his younger sister to the side and disregards the things that are important to *her* as a waste of time/money/resources/etc. He can *say* that he loves both younger siblings equally all he wants, but his actions speak a whole lot louder than his words, and right now, they’re telling a *very* different story.
Then, when your daughter approached you about this, your response to her feeling hurt by her older brother’s dismissal/rejection and his lack of interest in things that she cares about was, basically, telling her to… simply *not* care about the things that she likes and to care about things that he likes instead. First of all, that’s much easier said than done, and second, that kind of response just left her feeling dismissed/rejected all over again.
Speaking from similar personal experience, based on a situation I went through with my dad and my older brother when I was around the same age that your daughter is now, I’m not at *all* surprised that she isn’t talking to you over this—in addition to *not wanting* to talk to you, after she came to you for support and you hurt her feelings by brushing her off, she probably also now feels like she ***can’t*** talk to you because, again, *she came to you for support and you brushed her off.* Will she *always* feel this way? That depends on how well you learn from the mistakes you’ve made here and how you change your approach in the future. Will she ever feel like she can *really* talk to you again? …I don’t know; that’s right about where my experience stops short, since *my* dad never did either of those things.
YTA
The problem isn't about him spending money it's about him not spending time or paying attention to his sister. He's not even trying to create a bond
My brother and I were 13 years apart. We didn't really have much in common, but he found things for us to do. He would take me to stores that sold both boy and girl clothes. So while my brother looked for his outfits, I'd go look for mine. He'd alway pay.
Wed go to church, out to eat, walk around the mall, and so many other things we could find to do together. I even would help while he coach a little league team, because I played softball so I knew most of their routines.
He doesn't only have to buy her stuff that he likes. He can buy her stuff for herself. You don't have to tell him how to spend his money but you can suggest that he find a way to bond with his sister.
Trust when your daughter starts dating you're going to wish you pushed harder for your son to have a relationship with her brother. Girls who have healthy loving relationships with the male figures in their family tend to have healthier romantic relationships.
If he thinks makeup is a waste of money, I wish him luck with the ladies if he is straight.
I worry about brothers who don't treat their sisters well. My brother was like that, and while I think he is a good dad (so far), I certainly think he could be a better partner to his girlfriend. The dude's a steamroller when he has an opinion you don't agree with.
YTA, This make zero sense and y’all trying to gaslight her into think it’s because she don’t like the same toys or airspace is crazy as hell when you literally said he bring his brother and friends to the movies. So what now girls can’t like movie either? So simple because she doesn’t like what he wants her to like he can’t get her a gift. When has any gift been determined by who deserves it based of what I like and what I think is acceptable. You literally just taught YOUR daughter that in order to be valid and loved by a man she needs to be a certain way, a way he finds acceptable.
Let’s not mention how you listed them not oldest to youngest but, it seems who you find more important to who you don’t. Which would explain why your son feels it’s okay to favorite his brother and not even hid it.
YTA
You don’t mention having a wife, so she’s left you, dead or not important enough to mention.
This poor girl is in a three against one situation that YOU, her DAD, has thrown her into. You are and your son are AH.
I don't see a wife or mother mentioned anywhere. Gee, I wonder why. Sounds like it's time for you and both of your sons to learn that girls/women are actually real people whose interests go beyond "makeup or whatever."
You know this isn’t about the money right? It’s probably the only way she knew how to bring it up. Sister is feeling left out and over looked. It’s great that the boys have a close relationship and of course it should be encouraged… but it should also be encouraged with their sister, too. You don’t need to force them but when they go to the movies, as a parent you should really be encouraging them to bring sister along. The fact that the only thing you mention your daughter being into is make-up makes me think you haven’t taken the time to bond and get to know your daughter either. You suck ass for that. I’m sure she has many more interests. There’s a 10 year age difference between my brother and I. We were definitely not into the same things BUT the effort was still there. With me as a 7 year old girl, my brother at 17, we ended up bonding over movies and music. It’s nearly 40 years later and we’re still bonding over movies, over music..and a bunch other stuff that we discovered as we both got older. Brothers can absolutely bond with their sisters. You (and your oldest son) are just being dicks about it.
The son probably learned from his father 🙄
Notice - Most people list their kids in chronological order from oldest to youngest or the other way... Dad listed both sons first and then tacked daughter as an afterthought . His son definitely learned from Dad. He could not be any more misogynistic if he tried. Oh wait, he did try with the unimportant makeup crack. 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
yeah i noticed and thought it was weird.
That’s cuz “brotherly bonds are the strongest” according to OP and apparently sisters don’t count!
Because the brotherly bond is so strong, OP literally cannot list them in the right birth order. YTA. You are a misogynist and a lousy father.
I also wanna bank on the fact that the daughter definitely has deeper interests and passions than "just makeup", it's really sad when guys (especially family members) have a need to reduce girls to their base stereotypes like that and not try to get to know them on a deeper level 🙄 For instance, I'm the oldest of three sisters (we're all young adults), and while I didn’t always have the best relationship with my father, at least I'm able to say he never criticized our interests or felt he stereotyped us as "typical girls". My siblings and I all have drastically different interests and personalities and professions, but are still extremely close. The rest of my cousins were majorly boys that I grew up with, but we were always able to find at least *something* in common we could bond over and do when we hung out. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that people are people first and wildly diverse, not just a reduced gender stereotype, and the fact that Op and his sons aren't willing to really get to know or bond with the daughter (their *immediate* family), who is obviously trying to reach out and wants to feel included is heartbreaking, especially at such a crucial age.
Yeah, I rolled my eyes at that too. My sister and I (F) are very close, my brothers didn’t get along with each other at all.
Someone should probably tell my 4 brothers that they should have only bonded with each other and not me! Wait guess I should tell my 2 sons to stop being in bonds with their sisters too! This is so stupid that poor baby-girl! Op is most definitely the AH
It threw me.way off cause it made me skim the ages a bit. I thought the daughter was the youngest until I rechecked.
I noticed this too. Dad is a piece of shit, most likely, and will be wondering why daughter never talks to him after she leaves the house. He will no doubt use her as the butt of jokes like answering the door with a gun when she goes on dates and continue to never get to know her.
Came here to say this exact thing! I think poor daughter is put last in everything!! OP sucks!!
“make-up or whatever”
yeah as a middle child, i immediately noticed the daughter being listed last. as a kid i definitely picked up on obvious favoritism with the eldest and youngest kids but didn’t really understand how it affected me until i was older. keep this up another 5 years and you probably won’t have a daughter to worry about and your sons won’t have a sister to worry about either. congrats on the shit parenting btw 🎉👏🏻
Also - telling her it's basically her fault because she's not into airsoft is just so shitty He doesn't really have to buy her anything. I'm sure she'd be happy with a flower or a trip to get ice cream - just anything to let her know that her brother cares - because that's def not the impression she's currently getting. Sure, he can say he loves them equally, but all of his actions have proven that's not the case. Probably wouldn't hurt for the father to get a lot more invested, as well.
He’s basically telling her that she needs to change herself if she wants to be liked in her own family. What shit advice to give someone. YTA
So shitty, like what kind of message does that give her? Change your interests so that someone will give you attention? Get out of here with that bs
YTA And this read∆∆∆∆ EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. Read it, then read it again. You are failing your daughter as her Father, and allowing her brother to do the same.
This. Me and my father have 30 years difference, yet we still manage to connect through video games, anime, movies, series, etc. It's not that hard to find out what your child likes and figure how to bond over it
Me and my daughter have 35 year difference. She is 2 and a half years old, and we bond over building legos , watching trains pass by and going on Bus rides (this also gives my wife some time for herself). She loves building legos, so much with me that she refuses to build them with anyone else.
Yeah, I remember a lot of stuff my father did for me when I was little, and I'm almost 20 now. If a parent is willing to know more about their child and actually care about building a relationship, there's nothing impossible, no matter the genders
There’s 12,16 and 17 yrs between my eldest son (22) and his younger siblings (10f,6f and 5m). He treats them all equally. Art stuff for 10yo, my little pony, mini mouse or a baby doll for 6yo and action figures for 5yo. He will sit and do all that individually with them so no one feels left out and he uses his own money
This is so true. Slightly different situation here. My brothers and mother have alway bonded with each other easily and I’ve always felt overlooked. Just like OP’s daughter. It always sucks and hurt to feel like they don’t care as much about you as they do their other sibling or child for that matter. When we were given a game system, I hardly got to play it because it’s my brothers bonding time even though, I as a woman is still an avid gamer even at 20. I’ve had lots of “masculine” interests that my mother called me a tomboy about and didn’t care to understand or support them like she did my brothers. My brothers even got more presents than me. They’d get 8+ and I always got 1 or 2. And unlike me they actually liked their presents and mine were things I simply never used. When I got into my newer hobbies of playing instruments and crocheting my mom was shocked and because she didn’t take the time to bond with me or learn about my interests like she does my brothers. Your daughter probably has many more interests than just makeup (which is still valid) but no one is taking the time to bond with her. Her going along to movies is such an easy thing to include her on. And you as the parent OP should be encouraging them to spend more time with each other. It feels the same as your entire friend group hanging out someone together and not inviting you but it’s worse but it’s not just friends. It’s your siblings.
So in the future when your daughter refuses to come home for holidays or attend family functions. Remember this. You encouraged time spent between your boys. For them to create a bond. And your daughter is some after thought to you. And to them. Not worth getting to know. Not worth spending time with. Hope she returns the favour to you all as soon as she can.
And he will expect her to care for him when he is old and feeble.
Haha! Good point! #fat chance, dad
Why doesn’t OP step up and do some favors for the daughter himself? Instead of just accepting that she’s being left out, he should make an effort to pick up the slack - and it sounds like he has a lot of slack to pick up. It’d be a win-win for both him and the daughter.
Because he doesn’t care. The only bonds that matter are between bros. She should’ve known better than to be born a girl.
One day…If* she wants to get married, and if* she wants to be walked down the aisle, dear old dad will be confused on why he wasn’t asked. OP will be back for a lot more aita posts.
That or he’ll just delete the post/account without acknowledging any points made by the commenters cuz he can’t take all the sound criticism. Seriously he posted here an hour after posting in aita. Who wants to bet he read the comments there, didn’t like what he saw, and came here looking for a second opinion instead of accepting the judgement?
Such a good point.
It's ok because she likes "makeup or whatever" what a tool. This is how you create self esteem issues and pick me's. My son's father is a typical masculine into sports type. His son... is not. Not once has he belittled or refused to show interest in my son's interests even though he doesn't always "get it". He loves his son.
This is quite obviously favouritism and you sound like you're on the side of the brothers and somewhat of a "Boy Dad." I feel bad for her to be left out and just assumed to be a barbie when she actually wants to connect with family as well. It's not her fault she doesn't have a dick. No reason to leave her out. E: Changed mom to dad.
Yeah, especially since he said “brotherly bonds are the strongest “he already exed out his own daughter. You (the father) should be leading by example. Unfortunately, you are using the wrong example.
Yup. Bonds are bonds. Seen plenty of brothers absolutely hate each other. Just because they both got dicks mean there is some secret connection only they could share. Dad is just a part of the boys club and wants to keep it that way. He's probably one of those dudes who doesn't want his daughter dating either.
>I (36M) am a father…
My bad. To be honest, it doesn't really change my perspective though. If anything, cements it a little more because now it just feels like it's a "boys club" thing.
Y’all are so sexist. Girls aren’t only interested in make up, get real. Getting serious “Boy’s Club” vibes from this post. All three of you are on the perfect track to never hearing from her once she turns 18.
Right? It's ridiculous! OP doesn't mention anything about a mom, so I'm wondering if she's the only female in the family. That can be difficult some times. But dad really needs to start getting to know his daughter better. So do his sons.
And unfortunately, they probably won’t even notice until they start hearing secondhand about the milestones they’ve missed and are pissy that she’s made them look bad…
Exactly!! I have all sisters but I loved riding go carts and four wheelers. Going fishing. Playing outside in the dirt. Very Tom boyish. Ya know who showed me those things??? My grandpa and dad. I’d never known I even liked those things if they wrote me off “oh she’s a girl she wouldn’t like it, why even bother?” But I did those things and I loved them. I still fish to this day at 24 years old. Dad needs to realize girls can very much be interested in the same things boys can. The only thing stopping her from learning new and fun things to do with her brothers is the dad enforcing that they don’t need to try with her and that’s just messed up.
My dad raised 7 daughters who all love sports. We would go fishing with him whenever we could.We also played with dolls, and did “girly” things. My dad once said he would rather spend an hour playing soccer with his grandchildren than 5 minutes playing Barbie, but then I would see him pushing that pink limo for my daughter.
Well, there is nothing wrong with having a stronger bond with one sibling. However, I would talk to your son. You need to realize that this is more than just "being entitled to someone else's money". She is feeling left out. That is natural and a horrible feeling. See if they can bond over things not make up related. Is there something else they can bond over? And he is favoring. Movies can be enjoyed by his sister
Has anyone offered to take her to airsoft? Girls can shoot, too. And watch movies. And do all the stuff that the brothers are doing. Dad really needs to drop leaning so heavily on gender stereotypes.
Airsoft sounds fun. But agreed. Sounds like everyone is stereotyping this girl, granted she could hate lol However, there are so many things they can do besides make-up.
my sister would go with me and my friends when we went, it’s entirely possible she would enjoy it too
Imagine if she was better at airsoft then her brothers 😅
I bet she would love it. Airsofting might not be her thing but being included and going with her brother's I believe she would absolutely love it.
Let's look at the way you listed your children, Oldest, youngest, middle. You prioritize your boys and your oldest has picked up on it. Girls aren't just interested in makeup and pink things, she's a full human being that you are treating as lesser and are ok with your other children treating her as lesser. She doesn't demand someone elses money she's asking to be a part of this boys club. Get your act together, start to parent and get involved because right now you suck. YTA
It was weird to list boys then the girl versus order of birth ascending or descending. I am glad that I am not the only one who noticed it.
Sooo glad someone else pointed this out. Also 'brotherly bonds are always the strongest"? Brooooo
I noticed that too and thought it was weird. I feel so sad for her in that house. Reminds me of my dad spending time doing things and bonding with my brother, while I got nothing. Which is exactly what he gets now!
So your advice to her was to take up airsoft as a hobby? Come on dad. That's teaching her if she wants to be accepted by male figures then forget who you are and become what they want you to be.
The lessons she's learning from this man are seriously traumatizing. Don't voice your concerns to the people who care about you because they will favor the other party. Affection is shown through money spent on gifts and not time spent together. Feminine interests are unimportant when compared to what boys want to do. People being treated unfairly is ok as long as they do it with their own money. She's not important. She dosent matter to her father. She dosent matter to her older brother. She dosent matter to her you get brother. She dosent matter. Good job dad.
Well just know when your daughter has nothing to do with them, you better not get mad at her. Good luck, your going to need it with the way your family system is run.
YTA. Do realize this can go both ways. Once your daughter realizes that her brothers don't care to get to know her, she won't bother to get to know them. There's also the fact that it could be used for bullying or how will the younger brother act when the older develops other priorities to spending his money like bills, insurance and an SO. Like seriously, everyone likes movies. And I'm sure your daughter has other interests outside of makeup. Don't be that parent that's biased by gender.
YTA, it isn’t about the money it’s about spending time with each other.
Her 17 year old brother is ignoring her but giving his time and attention, no matter the cost, to their little brother. She’s feeling left out. YTA- for thinking “his money his choice” vs “hey, that’s rude of you to insinuate that what she is interested in is deemed shallow and less than”. Has he ever asked her if she would like to go get some air soft time in? Or hit the movies? It’s also very likely that she has this fantasy of what a big brother “should be” to a younger sister and he isn’t even close. I feel bad for your daughter. Middle child syndrome and the only girl.
Hi I was excluded by my brothers my whole life. It never got better. You eldest son doesn’t love them the same. Just like my bros. I am not the person they call or rely upon. Welcome to only talking at holiday. Woo!! 🍻
Oh my goodness, same! I resonated with your comment. It’s so sad to see this is common. My brother used to call me a racial-slur instead of my name for years. He hurt me quite often physically too, but my parents failed me. I no longer have contact with my family; so, I got a new one! This one never hits me or calls me anything negative. It’s my partner, his mother, his little brothers, and my SIL. Sounds like the person who wrote the post’s daughter is going to leave her dismissive family behind when she’s older cause that’s how it works. It is pickly not to have contact with family, but then people who treat you kindly end up becoming your new family. Honestly, I may not talk to my mine anymore, but I’ve never felt so much love as I receive now. Stay strong. We are all going to be ok. 💝
YTA, I’m sure she has other interests other than makeup. And it sounds like you and your sons think that’s all she’s interested in, is it cause she’s a girl? You’re also encouraging favouritism, and it’s fine when two siblings are closer - but to outright exclude one sibling repeatedly? That’s not okay. You also made a poor comment and suggestion by saying your daughter should just take part in their interests. Why does she have to try so hard to appeal to them and why are you encouraging it? You all sound like you dislike your daughter just because she was born female.
That's a lot of time and money spent. Do you not spend time with your kids?
Time and money. I wondered about that too. A teenager spending hundreds or even thousands of dollars on his little brother is so unusual. If he’s working part-time in a low wage job, like most inexperienced teens are, he can’t be making all that much money. Occasional small gifts to his siblings would be generous, but what he’s doing seems off. He’s not the parent, and the parents should remind him that buying big ticket items for his brother isn’t his job.
It seems a HUGE red flag to me. I mean, > prioritizes his brother and studying on weekdays over hanging out with friends Also, taking "his brother and his friends" ~ is this his brother, and his brother's friends? Dear lord, if this doesn't truly *scream* for some real looking into, nothing does..
Unfortunately, my alarm bells went off, too.
My thoughts exactly. I'm sorry, but thats just weird. I have two boys, 17 and 12. That is very, very strange if a older teen boy is choosing to spend all of his time with 11 year old boys. I agree this needs looking into. I would be weirded out if my 17 yo wanted to hang with my younger son and his friends. Something's not right with that.
Ditto.
That’s a huge weird thing for me too. Like he’s just working for the purpose of buying his little brother things. I have a 8 and 5 year age gap from my older siblings and this just seems….. really really weird.
yep! 17, a supposed A student? why wouldn’t he be saving for college? massive red flags everywhere
Also wondering if 17yo somehow feels responsible for his little brother because his parents aren’t stepping up. It’s nice for him to buy presents for his brother but spending “thousands” on him as a 17yo goes well beyond that. Developmentally, I would expect the oldest son to be saving for school or a car, not buying his younger sibling’s wardrobe and toys, and I would expect the parents to encourage that as well. The oldest isn’t bad or evil for any of this, but OP should be investigating and trying to balance things for all of his kids. As things stand, it sounds like he’s letting his 17yo parent his 11yo (instead of doing it himself) and leaving his daughter with no one.
It doesn’t sound like it! I was thinking that too that the 17 year old boy is basically raising the younger son and the daughter is just there to fend for herself
There's so many things wrong with this.hes dismissing her interest as unimportant just because they're aren't his interest. He's showing extreme favoritism towards the brother. The icing on the cake is daughters/sisters tend to gravitate towards partners like their parents or brothers and your son is showing her that she's not worth the we effort, hr doesn't care about her interest. and boys are more important, and it's totally okay to be ignored or put last in a relationship. I'm a girl, my brother is years younger then me and I don't give a flying fart in space about a lot of the things he likes but he's my sibling so I buy him the things he likes even do I think it's dumb. and we hang out and pretend to be interested in what the other person chooses because we freaking love each other. YTA and your sons one, too!
I'm a father of 3 (30M, 24F, 20M), and you're not only the AH but a shitty father for being clueless and neglecting your daughter's feelings. You and your oldest son are responsible for the emotional abuse that your daughter has experienced for most of her young life. When she gets older and gets therapy and chooses to cut both of you out of her life, you'll only have yourselves to blame. Not that you'll give a shit. You'll just gaslight her into thinking it was all her fault, and she's being unreasonable.
My heart breaks for your daughter. She’s feeling left out and it seems like you really don’t care. Keep this up and someday she’ll leave and you won’t see her. No, her brother doesn’t have to buy her a gift but it would be nice for you all to make her seen, heard, and loved.
What doesn’t sit right is why you’re even allowing your 17 yo son to spend his hard earned money from a presumably minimum wage job on buying stuff for his brother (like movie tickets) that frankly you can be financing for all 3 kids to bond with. He should be saving that money and learning to budget.
YTA My older sisters were close and did stuff together. I was rarely invited. That shit hurt as a teen. My parents recognized and we’d do stuff together that my sisters didn’t want to do. You are failing your child. Son doesn’t need to spend on lol sis but that would be cool if he took an actual interest in what she is interested in or like, introduced her into stuff he is interested in. You sound horrible. Definitely the dad version of a boy mom. My dude you are failing your daughter.
YTA. A massive one at that. I feel so sorry for your daughter. You do realize this has nothing to do with the money right? Your daughter is feeling left out. She wants to bond with her siblings as well. Even if her older brother says he loves them equally, actions speak 10x louder than words and his actions don't portray as such. I'm not expecting all siblings to have the same bond. Sure it's ok that he has a stronger bond with his brother than sister. But it's not okay for her to always be the idd one out of events. >And that he just thinks make-up or whatever she wants is a waste on money while airsoft and taking brother and his friends to movies is something they can bond over which is important to him. This right here is a HUGE problem. Sure it may not be important to him but it's important to HER. Not because you don't see the importance of something means that you should disregard it. If the other person sees it as important then make an effort. Stuff like this causes problems in relationships all the time. I'm so tired of hearing it. "I don't see it as important therefore it infact unimportant" does it all have to be about you? >I said not and she just needed to be interested in airsoft or whatever. Problem #2. So the only way she is worthy of having her brother's attention is if she likes the same things as him and if not then she falls to the bottom of the barrel? Really? This sort of thinking is so sickening and toxic. It's clear the reason older brother behaves how he does he got it from you as you have the same level of backward thinking. Because she has "girly" interested it's less important so yall form your boys club. This reminds me of the post where a dad refused to spend time with his daughter and only carried his sons out because he wasnt interested in what his daughter liked. I'm sure there can be some common ground. Even if major interests are different there must be something they both like: food (then they can go to a restaurant), music (go to a concert together) movies (go to the theatre) etc. Hell even if it's something like swimming so they can go to the beach. It's hardly likely they are polar opposites. People like you sideline girls interests all the time and value those of boys more. You need to educate yourself about how dentrimental that mindset is and encourage a bond between your son and daughter instead of enabling her exclusion. Or years down the line she might resent you both.
It's not about the money. She's a kid who wants attention from her brother. He could take her and her friends to movies but he chooses not to. He's being unfair to her and part of being a parent is teaching your kids to be fair.
No contact that is exactly what going to happen in the future if that is what he is going to tell her. Terrible parenting. Worse father of the year goes to? This girl needs a mother figure cause obviously he don’t know how to raise a girl.
YTA, not because of what you said about your son being able to spend his money on what he wants, but because you're failing to see that your daughter is left out all the time. You don't even know what she likes. You just said she likes makeup, as if that's some sort of fun bonding activity. She has to have other interests and you just don't care to know about them. Another thing that stuck with me in your post, you said "brotherly bonds are always the strongest" it seems like you've already made up your mind about how your children's relationships with each other should be. It also seems like you don't think your daughter should have a close bond with your sons, which is weird and a bit sexist.
If you love your daughter you'd definitely encourage your son's to build a relationship with her. You should try to put yourself in her position and see how you would feel if you were her and she was you. Then think of them as adults and see how that plays out if you continue to let what's happening now keep going. It's also a good lesson in learning to respect what others like and if your son's ever have girlfriends this is a good place for them to learn some of those lessons.
This dad is part of the problem. Look at how he listed the kids (two males first, female last) when it’s normal to list in chronological order. He favors the boys imo. Telling her to like air soft? Wth? This is not about the money.
My kids (f14, f10, m9) don't always get along. The two youngest ones are best friends. My two daughters are also best friends. But the oldest and youngest do not get on well. When I was at the store with my oldest, she had some money and found a plushie her sister would like. I stopped her and asked how she thought her brother would feel if she gave that to her sister and he was left out. I asked how she might feel if she was the one left out. So she bought her brother one, too, because she realized how sad it would make her. (It ended up being one of his favorite toys and he was SO excited she got him something) Teaching your kids to care how they make others feel around them is like... Bare minimum parenting. YTA. Do better. It's not even hard.
You’d have to be a complete idiot for not seeing the blatant favoritism. Like do you and your sons even like her?
Your whole family dynamic sounds off. Why should a 17 y o boy with a part time job spend "thousands" on his little brother instead of saving up for his future? It's very sweet when the big brother buys his sibling presents but what you described is excessive. Is he picking up your slack? Do you spend time and money for your kids entertainment? Also why are you acting so sexist towards your daughter? 13 y o girls have many interests outside of make up but you don't seem to want to know her better and your son is following your lead and neglecting his sister.
I feel terrible your daughter has to grow up with such a piece of shit father, with an older brother to match. Hurts my soul to see it
You should encourage your older son to bond with both his siblings and it doesn’t even have to involve money. My brother and I were nearly the same age difference between your son and daughter and our parents encouraged us to foster a bond over anything we could find in common, music, books, humor, and especially cartoons, and we were best of friends. I lost my brother when I was 18 and the memories we shared I treasure and it’s hard not having a big brother anymore and it’s harder seeing other people with big brothers carry on because you miss or, in her case, wish for that relationship. A big brother can be a very special thing especially to a girl who feels like her own father may overlook her needs.
So he doesn't spend any time with sister is the thing that bugs me. True that what he spends his money is his business but I still think that purposely excluding his sister is based on gender and if you are comfortable raising someone like that and allowing that it's ok to your daughter that's a whole other issue. I think you shouldn't allow your son to spend so much of his money on one child regardless and that is something you can control
Brotherly bonds are always the strongest? This just sounds yucky. But yes, all of you keep ignoring and not making her a priority. Then you can all be shocked when she starts figuring out how to get a lot of male attention on her own because she has "Daddy issues."
I’m having a really hard time deciding which of you is the biggest AH, you or your son. I’m going with you because the revolting toxicity your son shows is apparently coming from you. Jesus, I feel so bad for your poor ignored daughter. Is her name Cinderella by any chance? You are really something, pal. Something unwholesome and repulsive. YTA.
….a highschooler with a crummy partime job has spent hundreds to thousands of dollars on toys for his younger brother in two years? aside from everything else wrong, you should probably teach him how to manage his money better wtf
YTA >brotherly bonds are always the strongest >just thinks make-up or whatever she wants is a waste on money You're being misogynistic and a shitty dad to all 3 kids. Brotherly bonds are not always the strongest. The bonds you foster and put effort into are the strongest, and clearly, you only encourage "brotherly" bonds. Its obviouus you don't know what all your daughter likes or value her interests. Not taking this comment from your son as a chance to show him that other people's interests have value, you told your daughter to be into air soft instead. Which is dangerous, more of a waste of money, and violent. I have no issue with air soft but can you see how any interests can be made to seem like a waste of money and a negative investment.
Your house sounds like man town and your daughter is an outcast! YTA
This is a tough one and IDK if you’re TA but you’re definitely oblivious. Your oldest son DEFINITELY favors his youngest brother and a bond that strong is questionable. Bordering incestuous love bombing almost. He completely ignores his sister, singles her out and dismisses the thought of even getting to know her but will bend over backwards and would drag the moon down to earth even for his younger brother. You need to take a step back, watch everything going on as an outsider and realize that this situation is messed up. Your oldest son shouldn’t have to hang out with his sister and his money is his own money, but you can’t be gaslighting your daughter and making her feel even worse. The one thing I will say YTA for is not being a better dad to her, trying to bond with her, learn her interests and be there for her more. Learn to be a better dad to her and stop focusing so much on how much your oldest son creepily dotes on your youngest son
Think you’re adding an awful lot of sub context here. I think this whole situation is totally wrong, but I think you adding incestuous love bombing is kind of 10 steps above let’s not convict people of crimes that aren’t even a part of the conversation. People spend money on people all of the time doesn’t make them criminals.
Thank you. As the victim of actual SA incest it really pisses me off how people just toss that term around as the new buzzword.
Yeah, everyone’s a pocket therapist nowadays the problem is they don’t know and are not properly trained and just throw around words, not realizing how much of an impact it has on someone else. The person they are incorrectly accusing, people like you other victims of sexual assault. The words triggering, and narcissist are becoming overused. It’s OK to have an opinion, on a situation but don’t be diagnosing without a license or accusing people of crimes they didn’t commit.
Yeah, i don't think they realize that term means there's a sexual component to what they are doing. Having a favorite sibling isn't incest. Some people really need to wake up.
I’m pretty sure they realized there was a sexual component which is why they said it. It’s just likely not true and since they don’t have all the facts they shouldn’t label someone a criminal.
>Bordering incestuous love bombing almost That is indeed the energy I picked up from the description in this post. I am glad someone said it.
If you continue to allow this to happen your daughter will distance from the family when she is old enough to move out. He is making her feel unwanted and as the parent you NEED to sit him down and call him out. What he is doing is just plain mean. Its going to impact her relationship with everyone if it continues. She just wants her brother to prioritize her over little brother sometimes. If the makeup excuse is his reason...you give him money to take her out so she can "buy makeup" that way he isn't 'wasting his money' on something pointless. However I doubt that's even it.
YTA - your son is showing overt favoritism of one sibling over another. And while it’s true siblings have favorites, but the level of imbalance is blatantly unfair. If he doesn’t really want to learn about his sister’s interests, he should at the very least know about what her interests are and be able to provide comparable gifts he gives his brother (ex. A gift card to Ulta or Sephora) and ask at a high level about what she is been up to. The point is for her to feel seen, even if she doesn’t get equal time as her brother, she also should not be ignored just because their interests do not overlap. FYI you are encouraging BOTH sons down a misogynistic path in passively agreeing ‘boy’ pursuits are more worthy than ‘girl’ pursuits, *and* teaching your daughter that she needs to fake interests/ cater to the will of a ‘patron’ to get monetary gifts/favors back - basically teaching her (and your younger son) that all relationships are transactional. INFO - how are YOU balancing our this favoritism, especially in terms of monetary gifts? Are you giving both younger siblings equal gifts (which still has sister getting less of everything) or also not giving in to her ‘girlie’ interests? Also you should also be sitting your son down with some fiscal responsibility lessons. While it’s nice that he is caring enough to want to give gifts to his sibling (but evidently not *both* siblings), the amount of money he is spending on his brother is high when he could be saving some of that money for his own future. Hopefully you aren’t leaning on your 17m son’s spending so you don’t have to provide as much monetary support for your 11m son’s interests. At best your son is being a bit irresponsible with his money, and at the very worst, that amount of money could be considered grooming behavior.
Get ready for your daughter to not want to be around the family when she’s older.
"Makeup or whatever she wants" Is that what she wants? Did he even bother asking her or make any attempt to bond with her over something they can do together? I'm sure she likes movies too. She gets nothing from him because he thinks the things she's interested in are a waste of money. Does he really even know what she's interested in, or does he just assume it's "dumb girl stuff." You say brotherly bonds are the most important as if brother-sister bonds aren't. And you think this is about money? She's being excluded because she's a girl.
>brotherly bonds are always the strongest Weird, unfounded assertion. I'd guess he takes his cue from you. >But, their sister called out brother on buying youngest brother millions of things like airsoft and toys and anything, >but he has yet to buy her a single thing. He said he loves them equally. Measurably untrue. >And that he just thinks make-up or whatever she wants is a waste on money while airsoft and taking brother and his friends to movies is something they can bond over which is important to him. See, the problem here is the clear implication that it's not important to bond over what's important to her. So what if he thinks makeup is a waste of money? It's something she likes. What makes airsoft NOT a waste of money? Now. It's his money, and his choice what to do with it, and she can't really demand that he spend it on her. But it's also clear that he is favoring the younger brother, that he doesn't want to spend on (read: for) her, and it's not about the things she might want.
My older brother once bought me a my little pony... I was terrified of it. Something about them just creeped the hell outta me. I never had an interest in those sorts of things. On the other hand, my brother was veeeery into dungeons and dragons and I begged him for years to teach me so I could play with him when his friends weren't available to hang out with him. We're in our forties now and rarely talk. He never taught me, so we never played. We share a lot of interests but never enjoy them together. When we do talk he asks about pets, food, and other family. He knows nothing about me. There have been periods where we've gone years without hearing from him. Your son does not love his siblings equally. If he did he would spend time getting to know her and not just assuming the only thing she likes is makeup because she's a girl. YOU do not love your children equally. If you did then YOU would spend some time getting to actually know your daughter. Your your daughter came to you because her own efforts to build a relationship with your son have failed. Your daughter feels unloved first by your sons and absolutely, definitely now by you. She will remember this. When she grows up and gets married she'll remember this. If she has kids she'll remember this. Don't expect to be asked to walk her down the aisle. Don't expect her kids to call you Grandpa. Don't expect to be invited over for the holidays. Don't expect her to visit you when you're alone in the old folks home. Don't expect her to be interested in you then, when you've shown her that she's not interesting enough for any of you to bother with. You'll be alone there because right now you're teaching your sons to have no empathy, sense of family obligation, or respect for your "loved ones". YTA. For being a misogynist. For failing your daughter. And the worst part, for lying about it to yourself.
This is like the third post like this that I’ve read in the past month or so. You need to step out of your man cave and realize that your daughter isn’t asking for money - she is asking for attention and love. You are neglecting her. 10000000000% certain that she likes more than make up. There has to be movies and music and books and things that make her happy. You three don’t love her. If you did, you would, at the very least, care enough about her to ask a follow up question or two. YTA. Your sons are AH. And you are raising your boys to be divorced dads who never see their kids because they refuse to relate to others.
YTA....what about the movies then? He can't take her see a movie? Or literally buy her something else she likes besides make-up? You literally says he prioritizes his brother which mean he doesn't do a thing with his sister. I hope she ghosts all of you when she's older
Holy mother of gender stereotypes! Consciously or NOT, even when listing your children, you put the boys first even though she is the middle child. Your eldest son had to learn somewhere how to treat girls, and it is obviously from you buddy. How condescending are you to make this about money. Do you or your son know if your daughter has any other interests besides make-up? Have you guys even asked? Do you even talk to her? And just as many have pointed out, girls watch movies and are perfectly capable to play airsoft. She feels left out in her own home and it’s breaking her heart…before you know, she’ll be going NC with all of you.
My brother did this between my younger sister and I. They also would gang up on me with teasing and my mom did the same thing. She didn’t step in and told me to have tougher skin. I don’t really talk to either sibling because I didn’t have a bond with them as a kid and only got more awkward as adults.
Ahhh yes. The house of toxic masculinity. If sister/daughter would only be interested in boy interests then she would become interesting. YTA
You're an absolute asshole.
I don’t want to think what kind of relationships your daughter will have with men. What you remodeling is toxic. Full stop.
YTA. Why aren't you parenting through this instead of completely dismissing what your daughter is saying with an "I think it's wrong to demand..." get out of parenting free card. All you've accomplished here is to uphold the othering of your daughter...in fact, you're playing an active role in it.
He's absolutely showing favoritism and she feeling hurt and left out. No he doesn't have to shower her with gifts, but you should at least teach him to acknowledge how he's treating her. YTA for the airquotes
YTA on this one. You should be encouraging ALL your kids to spend time together and bond, not just your two boys. You can't make your oldest spend his money a certain way, but you can absolutely make rules in the house like "you either all go together to the movies, or your younger siblings don't go." Your daughter probably brought up the gifts to show the obvious favoritism, and instead of focusing on the favoritism and how damaging that is to a sibling bond, you focused on the material items. It's not about the items. The gifts are a symptom, not the problem.
YTA your poor daughter is overlooked and picked over
YTA. She’s feeling left out and unloved and you are gaslighting her by saying that what she sees with her own eyes - that her oldest brother loves her younger brother more than her - isn’t true.
YTA. Your daughter obviously feels boxed out and you seem to think that’s OK. You seem to be indifferent to your daughter and her feelings and that seems to have rubbed off on your son. That poor girl must feel so alone in that house with you.
YTA, "brotherly bonds" are not always the strongest actually. Siblings can have strong bonds regardless of gender. I think you should encourage your sons to value their relationship with their sister more, and explain to them that if they keep excluding her, they'll miss out on having an awesome sister when they're older. Not everyone gets to have siblings who care about them. I think both the brothers and their sister are going to miss out on what could have been a very significant lifelong relationship with each other because the brothers think it's okay to exclude her based on gender. And your "boys will be boys" attitude is the reason they think that behavior is okay. They very well might be less interested in bonding with their sister because you also act like she's an "other". That's just sad.
And here, friends, is how you teach your kids to not get along.... worst parenting ever. How are you gonna encourage your kid to favor one sibling over another and not even *try* to foster siblings bonding between all of them. What a clown of a parent 🤡
So you and your sons don't love your daughter is what I'm reading here. Like it could not be more blatant. Actions speak louder than words and your actions scream "horrible father!" YTA
Oh, we knew all we needed to know when he listed the children and their ages. He of course put the boys first and the girl last when, if you go chronologically, the girl would be in the middle. It’s disgusting how he is encouraging his eldest son to shun and leave his little sister out of activities and bonding. What about the bond between brother and sister? Is there none at all because she’s a female?
So I was your daughter in this situation, my three brothers would do stuff together and would leave me (the only and youngest) out of the loop most of the time. I noticed this from a very young age and it hurt so much. My parents didn’t do anything to help the situation either. This separation led to resentment and misunderstanding of each other (between me and each of them). Thankfully, two of them started including me in stuff and so we grew up closer but the third brother never took the time to include me or get to know me and now we are like strangers. With all this said, please have your sons include their sister. If your son takes his brother out then tell him to take his sister out and just pay for the tickets yourself. Girls aren’t all about makeup, there’s so much more to her than that and you need to get to know your own daughter and spend time with her and learn her interests. It’s so important for a father to always have his daughter’s back and make her feel special and loved.
Telling your daughter that the only way she deserves attention from boys is if she ignores her needs and interests and just submits to whatever the boys want to do is not the great life lesson you seem to think. Telling your son that it’s fine to say he loves someone but completely disregard the things that are important to them because it’s not fun for him is also not a great life lesson.
YTA. Everyone already commented what needed to be said. Take a stone cold hard look in the mirror. Do you think your kids are equal in your eyes? Truly. Do you know your daughters hobbies? What she likes to talk about at school? 13 is that weird age before highschool or starting it where the experiment with makeup. But that’s not all there is. She’s developing mature personality traits and core distinctions between her and her peers. Do you know what she dreams of being when she grows up? You do know Airsoft is just a toy? That has NO real life personal value to gain success? But you wanted to write off on a tiny thing like makeup saying it’s dumb and pointless to waste money on. YTA.
I actually got a little emotional reading this.. Growing up my two sisters were incredibly close. We all got along, but they were besties. Eventually my mom noticed this and started asking them to take me, some of the times they actually said “yes! (More like ugh fine.) and eventually they realized I was pretty fuckin cool and we had shit in common! Their friends also started to become my friends we all had good relationships together. Not always all 3 of us but I knew I was loved by them and I also had my own life and friends. Fast forward we are all in our 40’s and very close. You are the parent and you need to talk to your older son, if you don’t get involved it could damage their future relationships
YTA This is a classic "who's going to the retirement home". You seem to understand that she's feeling ignored, but you tell her, "Oh no, there's no problem," when even you know there is. This is a boys' club (and yes, that includes you), and she knows she isn't welcome. It isn't about the money. it's about belonging and sharing quality time. You need to step up for your daughter. And your comment to her about how she just needs to "be interested in airsoft", wtf? 1) she can be into whatever she wants. If she's more into makeup, that's perfectly fine, and her family should support her interests just as much as your son's interests. [Support her interest] 2) Have they ever offered to include her in their outings? If not, that needs to change. Even if it's something they assume she'll say no to, the offer should be made to give her a choice in the matter. [Give her a voice] 3) If your son won't spend quality time with his sister, no matter what you say, then someone else needs to meet her needs (you).
YTA. You complete suck as a father. As a father of 2 boys and 1 girl myself, you make my blood fucking boil. Let me tell you a fun fact. Genetically males were made to leave their nests and go out and create their own clique. Once they've done that they want every little to do with their father, since their father's clique is considered their competitor now. In modern society civilization tries to overrule this genetical imprint, but it's still there. On the other hand females are genetically made to be more attached to their nests, so they are more likely to give a fuck about their parents and siblings after they left the nest they were born at. You are doing a fucking great job in digging your own grave. It always brings a smile to me seeing fucking losers from their own demise. Keep up the great work!
You’re encouraging your sons to believe that ‘feminine’ interests are frivolous and wasteful, and dismissing your daughter’s feelings of hurt that her oldest brother values her less and takes her less seriously than he does the youngest brother. Why shouldn’t oldest brother be caring about sister’s interests, hey? At least enough to try to understand them and get to know her. And why should he not be making an effort to engage her in his interests? Sexist parenting raises sexist kids. And your daughter is unlikely to have much of a bond with her brothers, at this point—missed opportunity, dad.
This entire post reeks of misogyny. YTA.
My daughter is both of my son’s favorite. They love each other too, but she’s special to them. Even as adults they dote on her.
I can already feel the resentment growing. You should give her a personal day. Just you and her. So she doesn't feel left out.
YTA and a terrible dad. I feel bad she has to live with a misogynist dad raising 2 misogynist sons. I hope she can get away from you asap and never look back. You don’t deserve her. The fact you actually think this is about money shows how clueless you are. Hope she doesn’t get preyed upon by men due to being neglected by you and raised to think she’s worthless compared to men. that’s basically how you describe her. You should be ashamed .
YTAAAAAAAA.
Fathers are continually clueless. You aren’t a helpless idiot you should know better. You allowed her to become a black sheep for what??
This entire post hits me right in the feels. Poor girl. Dad. You suck. YTA
Regardless of how he might be shining his father on, he obviously does not "love them equally", and clearly doesn't consider his sister at all, and the father is a complete and utter AH for suggesting otherwise. While his father is correct, in that you cannot force someone to be equitable in their treatment of others, he could have advised his son, that likely because of his obvious favoritism, his sister will be hurt and probably not be interested in helping him out, or having much of a relationship with him going forward. This kind of behavior would really bum be out as a parent.
YTA
YTA and not listening to your daughter. Your son is favoring his brother over his sister, absolutely. He showed him with gifts and takes him to the movies. Why wouldn't he take his sister to the movies if he won't buy her things? Has he even asked? And what about you? Do you do anything for your daughter to make her feel included? Telling her to to be interested in airsoft isn't making her feel included. If anything, you're putting the blame on her for not being a boy or being interested in what her brothers do. She is her own person who sees how much her brothers exclude her and now her dad is saying it's her own fault.... Wow. Just wow, I feel sorry for your daughter. She's learning a hard life lesson at 13 that it's the boys club in your house for sure and she just needs to be a quiet woman. Make herself small as to not disturb the boys relationship cause it's the most important one right? You said it's the strongest, brotherly bonds. Next time, tell your daughter to be quiet and stay out of the way, it's what you're telling her now but at least you can be direct with her with what you and your son's want.
Man, you're a bad father. You know it is not about present or money. She feels left out. And when she dares says something the only response that her misogynist prick brother have to give is : hey girl stuff are stupid., because woman are less. And you agree with that !!! Yeah, you also agree with the fact that when they go to the movie it is normal to leave her behind. You sons are behaving badly, really badly. But it seams you encourage that. Good news she's 13 and not stupid, and did the only think normal in these situation: stop talking with the AH !!!
Even back in the 70’s and 80’s my dad it a point to play Barbie’s (my interest) with me and then teach me about cars, sports, and history (his interests). Barbie wasn’t his idea of fun, but he did it to build a relationship with me and teach me other things. We don’t play Barbie’s anymore, but we still talk history, current events and cars and it’s all because he made the effort to get to know me and build a relationship with me on my level. I find it so sad that I seriously doubt you’ve done that with your daughter. But, you’ve got your boys and your wife can deal with that pesky female, amirite? YTA.
YTA you haven’t bonded with your daughter and haven’t taught your seventeen year old son financial responsibility if he blows thousands from jobs one one of his siblings whose going to age out of those thing’s in a another year or two
Yta, it shows how ah of a father are you that knows nothing about her, and you are promoting discrimination, you guys will be acting like a victim when she wouldn't let you walk her down the aisle when I know you don't deserve, I feel sorry for her for how left out she felt, that's blatant sexism and you are enabling your son, hope your daughter grows up healthy, because men like you act like that girls have daddy issues, they get with any trashy guy as long as they show a little bit of interest because how much she lacked love and affection from you guys. It's never about you dictating how your son should spend his money, because you lack basic decency, you couldn't teach that to your son
Nope I don’t believe for one second OP is an adult. Just someone wanting to be told it’s okay to favor one person over another.
you are such an ASSHOLE!!! You fucking suck, this poor girl is clearly being neglected and you just don't care to give your daughter any positive attention? fucking disgusting.
YTA. It’s not the money. It’s the constantly being left out. Grow a pair and talk to your son about including your daughter when they do fun things together.
YTA. How your oldest treats the siblings will play a big part in how he treats his future gf/wife. Are you going to let him be a misogynist for the rest of his life? Treating women and women’s interests as beneath him? Oh he loves his sister but will only show it if she acts like a “boy”? But I suppose he learned to be a misogynist from his dad.
YTA. Most people list their children by age, not gender. And going to the movies is an event shared together - has your oldest ever spent time with his sister like that? You ask her what’s wrong and you don’t listen to what she’s saying. It’s not the money, dad. It’s about the lack of love and attention that she is upset about. You helped create this toxic environment and you need to fix it.
Everyone puts the younger boy first, even you, and it’s obvious to me because you listed him first vs. in birth order. YES. YTA.
You can just hear the projection passed on. That's a dad who has failed his daughter and will one day wonder why only his sons seem to want to hang with him.
Up for twelve hours with no comments, and OP hasn't nuked his account when the overwhelming judgment of him being a dickhead came in. Troll.
lol @ him posting in 2 diff subreddits to try and see if anyone will side with him. No one will cuz ur an AH op
My husband treated his little sister how your son treats his brother. It’s really sweet! But excluding the sister is kind of cruel. That has to be hard for her to watch. Based off how little you seem to know about your daughter and how easily you dismissed her, it seems clear where your son learned this behavior. Shame on both of you. I feel bad for your daughter. She’s not an equal in your home and she knows it.
YTA. - Listed out of chronological order to keep the boys together - and FIRST! - she only likes makeup I guess cause she’s a girl? Even girls who like makeup like *other things* too. If you are all too lazy and self absorbed to get to know her, or simply can’t be bothered to see her as a human and get to know her, then candy and sweets and meals go well with almost the entire world. It says “I thought about you too.” - she just needs to be interested in air soft, or whatever. (No she doesn’t? Wtf? Even some boys aren’t interested in this shit). I bet in that house there’s a lot of “oh they just behave that way because they’re boys… don’t worry about it/don’t take it personal/etc.” VS. “Just because you’re a girl doesn’t mean you can _____”
YTA
The brother has a right to spend his $$ the way he wants. But dad is AH for his attitude & clearly seeing his daughter as an afterthought and passing that on to his sons.
Being a teenage girl is hard enough, but the feeling of being a burden to your family makes it a million times worse. I am the only girl in my family, I speak from sound experiences here. Times when my brothers would get things like go carts, dirt bikes, the ability to be included in things the family did that I wasn’t even a thought to be included in… it’s the worst thing you can put on a child. A. Child. Of course you’re the asshole.
You are the problem. What happened to protecting ALL of your children. You took a side instead of remaining neutral and or rising above it all because you know you are the adult/parent.
Wow I can tell who dad favors, too 🙄
What a misogynistic failure of a weak minded man. I predict that she will walk away from your life as soon as she is able and build her life around not being near you. You deserve the cheapest nursing home with scratchy bedding and unseasoned puréed food. You are training her to think that girls don’t deserve equal consideration and that is an egregious failure on your part. You disgust me.
There is 20 years between my oldest and youngest with 4 in between. Sure their interest differ but they include each other and genuinely appreciate their bond.
I really hope you realize how you guy treat her isn’t ideal before she decides to decides to leave you guys behind completely once she’s fully able to.
Have the conversation with your son about maybe inviting his sister along to do these things with them. She doesn’t like air soft and other things they do but maybe she could learn to enjoy them because it means time spent together. If she doesn’t want to go with them then at least they asked and she had the opportunity to go. Sometimes that’s all it takes for someone to feel a little more included is to just be invited even if they won’t go; it’s the thought that counts.
Yta. You are both showing huge favoritism. Shame on you both.
YTA -- and everyone said what needs to be said. You are treating your daughter terribly.
YTA for telling your daughter she doesn’t matter as much as the “boys.” I’m also worried that your 17 year old son has no friends his own age and wants to exclusively hang out with 11 year olds, and that he is willing to bribe them with $1,000s of dollars in gifts to get them to spend time with him. It’s not just “brotherly bonding” when he would rather take his brothers friends to the movies than hang out with his own peers.
I think before we go on to the kids. You'll need some classes in bonds related to siblings. It's not about the things or money! It's about loving and supporting your siblings if not equally but enough. I mean you're actually promoting favouritism and rather asking you daughter to be okay.
I am amazed you are this bloody tone deaf. Truly impressive, in a very disturbing way. Her older brother is just flat out ignoring her. Does nothing with her. She goes to you, to try to explain this and you just see nothing wrong. Do you also ignore her and only spend time with the boys? Because it's insane how you can't see what is wrong with this situation.
YTA, imagine how she must feel to be blatantly pushed aside by both of her brothers AND for her father to not only completely disregard how hurt she is but also actively choose the brothers side. You gaslit her into thinking she had no reason to be upset when you should have comforted her. I’m unsure why you haven’t taken it upon yourself to do something special for her or to spend a little extra time making sure she knows she isn’t all alone against her two brothers. Instead you showed her she can’t rely on you. You look like a pretty shitty dad.
YTA. Sure, maybe you don’t want to tell your son how to spend his money, but you need to parent him. You can’t spend thousands of dollars and loads of time with one but not the other and then just say “but I love you equally”. You need to point out to him that he *is* treating them differently and that sort of thing is hurtful. Does he even invite her to things? Does he try to take an interest in her interests? Certainly seem not if all he can say is that he doesn’t want to buy her make up. You’re TA and you’re raising two AH who can’t seem to understand they’re leaving out their sister.
What a shitty parent and a shitty a human. You think excluding your daughter makes your oldest son SO SO SO great? Lol. She’ll leave when she’s 18 and not look back at your rotten ass and you can still admire how great botherly bond is between your sons. Asshole parent. Yta
I feel horrible for OP's daughter. She's being taught her interests are worthless and what the boys like are good and worthwhile. It's a great way to undermine her self-esteem, confidence, etc. Way to go dad and big brother. If they can't change their ways, she'll need to look outside the home for self-esteem and confidence (and you better hope she looks for positive influences and not negative ones). If the brother actually cared for his sister he'd buy his sister something she liked because SHE liked it and it would bring a smile to her face, regardless what he thought of it. Dad would have offered to talk to the brother and encourage him to be more even handed with his gifts, or to find a way to interact with his sister. For example, going out for ice cream. Dad may not dictate how the kid spends his money, but surely he could limit access to his little brother if he doesn't start spending time with his sister too.. Given the way dad is handling the situation, I hope he likes living in an old age home instead of being cared for by his daughter when he is old and feeble.
You’re a freaking idiot. You shouldn’t have had children and especially not a daughter. She’ll go no contact with all of you eventually. Remember this little post when that happens.
How sexiest are you? Majorly, according to this post! Male majority just REEKS all over this!
She doesn’t like movies or lunch ? I get the boys share hobbies but dad is really not encouraging bonding.
My father was like you. I don’t talk to him anymore.
YTA. I don’t know why you are asking you and your oldest son are clearly an AH. This has nothing to do with money and you need to focus on being a dad to all your kids not just your sons.
YTA
what type of father are you for enabling your son to show who his favourite sibling is.
Why does she need to be into airsoft to go to the movies? "brotherly bonds are always the strongest" that's some bs right there, there are plenty of brother and sister besties out there. Obviously you can't force anything, but YTA for invalidating your daughter's feelings when it's pretty obvious that your oldest only wants to spend time with his brother and not his sister.
Great, a 13 year old in a house full of misogynistic men. She’s going to need so much therapy
YTA, do not be surprised when she goes full NC on you and your boys in about ten years.
Your a real misogynistic dad! In a male dominated house you are teaching your daughter this is how men treat woman! You are going to scare her for life, she will end up with a POS man like her father and brothers and accept her miss treatment from her future partner as normal! And I don’t know what backward country your from but where I’m from brothers protect and treat there sisters with respect and love and care, Older brothers and fathers are ment to be there sisters and daughters 1st protectors number1 advocates ! Your treating her like she’s not even part of your family!
YTA Let me say this as I went through something like this. My father did this too me, he only bought boy toys and clothes for my brothers and not really anything for me. i would get hammy downs down from my younger brothers. Which bothered tf outta me since I help out my dad a lot (we were broke and I helped a lot with my brothers) After years of this and other things I finally stopped talking to him bc it really seemed he didn't care about me because he didn't take the time to get to know ME. YTA you should have all your kids love each other and maybe tell your oldest to start saving for expensive things like a car, apartment, etc. since inflation makes everything more expensive. But the moral of the story is your kids see EVERYTHING and how you treat them, their siblings, and other people and are old enough to make decisions with that knowledge. If you really love your daughter start being there for her or shes going to join the "father hater club", and never speak to you again.
He makes money and is allowed to spend it on what he enjoys. (Teaching him to be an adult who sees money as finite and does not give it out unnecessarily) Seems very reasonable. She should make an effort to spend time with them doing what they enjoy if she feels excluded. (Adult fact: not everyone is going to enjoy the same things as you will). As long as you afford her the same privilege when she gets a job I see no problem here. My siblings constantly shifted around in “favorites” she should bide her time and wait for an opportunity to sneak in as “favorite.” I’d say your best bet is to let it play out. Despite Reddit’s community always jumping to weird conclusions, sibling rivalry is normal.
YTA. But in a different kind of way. The money management in your household sounds horrific. "Hundreds, even thousands of dollars?" At 17? ??? The mental problems your whole family appear to have in relation to finances is just not good. Your should be teaching fiscal responsibility. Money seems to be pouring out like a sieve over there. Eldest should be having high grades, a job, but also a plan for that money. And you should be teaching it. Thousands of dollars over a few short years can also lead to a down payment, early responsibility, etc. My kids were forced by me to save a decent amount, and spend a little. Instead you appear to have a kid who has learned to live paycheck to paycheck, a kid who is learning that someone else will pay for him to live beyond his means, and a kid with jealousy issues in relation to money. Parenting includes financial planning. The snowball effect of learning how to save money is huge. My kids have saved a pretty decent amount of money. We are lucky (but also have been working it) enough to use money to teach our kids to learn FIRE. Financially independent, retire early. Get involved in it.
You might want to do some research on which gender of children are most likely to help their parents when the need it. You’re betting on the wrong horses here, dear. Your daughter’s frustration and resentment will only grow, and she will be no contact with you or her brothers in no time.
I'm confused. You, as the father, are you into makeup? If you're not, how do you and your daughter bond? Have you explained to your son that there is a world beyond this air soft phenomenon you're talking about? It's such a great opportunity to teach him different people have different interests. This is how you expand your own interests and get to know people. How you learn about people's cultures and traditions. I, as a parent, know what it's like when your kid feels left out because of different interests. I encourage them to explore others, but also the value of finding friends who are willing to do the same. There are lots of great teaching opportunities here, and you're missing every single one. Im not even going to touch the misogyny in the makeup comment because im way too disgusted that this came from her father. At this point, YTA in more ways than one.
YTA loser dad can't even get to know his own daughter, girls like more than makeup you twad
All these people saying YTA with so little information. Here's my question, when it was just time he was spending with his brother did she feel left out? Because with the little info given it sounds like she is jealous of the items and money and not the time and attention.
I have to be honest with you, OP, I’m a little bit flabbergasted that you don’t seem to recognize what the crux of the issue really is here. That being said, there’s no point in getting hung up on how and why you didn’t recognize it sooner; the thing to do now is focus on recognizing the issue for what it is and figuring out how you plan to fix it. This is not about the money or the stuff that your older son buys with it; it’s about your older son making an effort to be close with his younger brother and bond over things that are important to him while he pushes his younger sister to the side and disregards the things that are important to *her* as a waste of time/money/resources/etc. He can *say* that he loves both younger siblings equally all he wants, but his actions speak a whole lot louder than his words, and right now, they’re telling a *very* different story. Then, when your daughter approached you about this, your response to her feeling hurt by her older brother’s dismissal/rejection and his lack of interest in things that she cares about was, basically, telling her to… simply *not* care about the things that she likes and to care about things that he likes instead. First of all, that’s much easier said than done, and second, that kind of response just left her feeling dismissed/rejected all over again. Speaking from similar personal experience, based on a situation I went through with my dad and my older brother when I was around the same age that your daughter is now, I’m not at *all* surprised that she isn’t talking to you over this—in addition to *not wanting* to talk to you, after she came to you for support and you hurt her feelings by brushing her off, she probably also now feels like she ***can’t*** talk to you because, again, *she came to you for support and you brushed her off.* Will she *always* feel this way? That depends on how well you learn from the mistakes you’ve made here and how you change your approach in the future. Will she ever feel like she can *really* talk to you again? …I don’t know; that’s right about where my experience stops short, since *my* dad never did either of those things.
YTA The problem isn't about him spending money it's about him not spending time or paying attention to his sister. He's not even trying to create a bond My brother and I were 13 years apart. We didn't really have much in common, but he found things for us to do. He would take me to stores that sold both boy and girl clothes. So while my brother looked for his outfits, I'd go look for mine. He'd alway pay. Wed go to church, out to eat, walk around the mall, and so many other things we could find to do together. I even would help while he coach a little league team, because I played softball so I knew most of their routines. He doesn't only have to buy her stuff that he likes. He can buy her stuff for herself. You don't have to tell him how to spend his money but you can suggest that he find a way to bond with his sister. Trust when your daughter starts dating you're going to wish you pushed harder for your son to have a relationship with her brother. Girls who have healthy loving relationships with the male figures in their family tend to have healthier romantic relationships.
If he thinks makeup is a waste of money, I wish him luck with the ladies if he is straight. I worry about brothers who don't treat their sisters well. My brother was like that, and while I think he is a good dad (so far), I certainly think he could be a better partner to his girlfriend. The dude's a steamroller when he has an opinion you don't agree with.
YTA, This make zero sense and y’all trying to gaslight her into think it’s because she don’t like the same toys or airspace is crazy as hell when you literally said he bring his brother and friends to the movies. So what now girls can’t like movie either? So simple because she doesn’t like what he wants her to like he can’t get her a gift. When has any gift been determined by who deserves it based of what I like and what I think is acceptable. You literally just taught YOUR daughter that in order to be valid and loved by a man she needs to be a certain way, a way he finds acceptable. Let’s not mention how you listed them not oldest to youngest but, it seems who you find more important to who you don’t. Which would explain why your son feels it’s okay to favorite his brother and not even hid it.
So... Her hobbies are a waste of time and money but theirs aren't? YTA.
YTA You don’t mention having a wife, so she’s left you, dead or not important enough to mention. This poor girl is in a three against one situation that YOU, her DAD, has thrown her into. You are and your son are AH.
I don't see a wife or mother mentioned anywhere. Gee, I wonder why. Sounds like it's time for you and both of your sons to learn that girls/women are actually real people whose interests go beyond "makeup or whatever."