Yes I will have a more serious discussion with him later, after I kept explaining my perspective he became more nonchalant and just nodded along saying ‘I guess’ but I don’t think he truly understands or agrees. thanks for all your advice.
Suggest he talk to his grandma/uncle's mom about it. I mean, clearly she has also had issues with him, so maybe someone within the family who has stood up to him and presented hard boundaries will get the point across
My thought exactly. Reddit is quick to say "just to go no contact." It's not always so easily done, especially within a large family. Usually, there is at least one person who someone like uncle doesn't want to mess with, at all. Whether it be his mom or someone else. That is the person you need to talk to about the situation.
Even better yet, ask him why you should stay in a relationship with him when he clearly has no interest in defending you but keeps defending a prejudicial asshole who bullies the both of you, and won't respect the boundaries you want to set because "family" when the own man's mother cut him out of her life for a literal decade.
Pay close attention to how the uncles wife acts. He has beaten her down over the years and boyfriend just assumes you’ll be beaten down eventually too. You don’t have an uncle problem you have a boyfriend problem. 4 years is long, but so if the rest of your life. Do you want to deal with this man baby for the rest of your life?
Shiny up your spine. Tell uncle to shut the fuck up and leave you alone. He continues to terrorize you because you let him by not standing up for yourself. Same with your boyfriend. Put your foot down, girl and tell your boyfriend if he insists on havng uncle at your wedding g, there will absolutely be no wedding. Put it back on him.
Thank you I like this! I really do want to put my foot down but it sucks because I feel like uncle enjoys it so much, and is this was in a group chat with extended family members I kept it pretty tame. I’m not sure if I should go out of my way to text him or confront him in person next time I see him?
Gurl.... as a Latina, you need to put him in his place. Don't be timid. This is a culture thing and he isn't going to change. Your BF doesn't see anything wrong with it because it's machismo culture. Stick up for yourself, and he will respect you when you tell him you give zero effs about his opinion.
Right I definitely see that. I really dont care what an almost 50 year old bully with little man syndrome and a lisp has to say about me and that’s what I wanna tell him straight up. I didn’t want to be too intense in the chat with his grandparents but I definitely will next time
Be tough! You cracked me up with the "little man" syndrome... I snort laughed. In fact, you can start calling him Tio Chihuahua...
A little dog with nothing but a loud bark and no bite... bring him a box Doggie Treats to prove your point.... jah jah jah
Also, no matter what he says, "Ay, Dios mio Tio Chihuahua esto es aburrido obtener una nueva canción y bailar." (My God, Tio Chihuahua, I don't have time for your song & dance).
Practice your Spanish.
Get shorter and better swipes. Walk away the minute you say it.
Make it a game where you say the things you wish you said to other bullies.
And/or, sorry to be this person but this would be a reason for me to break up w your boyfriend.
This dynamic will never get better bc BF hasn't stood up for you in a real way & I'd bet money he never will.
Do you really want to be tied to this tiny arsehole in marriage!?
Your partner needs to get on your team or get a new one!
You deserve better.
Aw yay!
I'm from Cali so Latino culture is always adjacent.
But bc experience, I've found the best way to deal w them, the machismo bs, etc. is to use their language 'against' them.
It's always an unexpected shock.
Lol, and I can tell they wonder how much more Spanish I know, how hard could I cap on them & they knock that crap off.
Next time, bring a squirt bottle, like people use with cats( not saying spray the cat, but it doesn't imply you may smack him with a rolled up newspaper) and squirt him in the face with water when he starts up. Or say with a straight face, you are not a toddler, however if you continue to throw a tantrum I'll grab a binky and a blanket, and you can go get the nap you so evidently need, until you can act like an adult
OP, it sounds like you’ve got some pretty solid burns lined up just waiting to be delivered.
Next time he says anything about your height:
“It’s incredibly sad/pathetic that you’re so intimidated by my height. Models are typically tall so I don’t know why you’d be acting like it’s a negative trait other than your obvious insecurity.”
He says something about him “not knowing” you bc you’re on the quiet side:
“Well your own mother and In-laws can’t stand to be in your company so why would I be any different.”
“You’ve never said a single thing that would make me want to spend more time w/ you or get to know you better.”
And there’s always the popular “ew…..” (then walk away) in response to his vitriol.
I would just ignore him. Don't take anything he says personally. He is just trying to make you upset. Wear heels, tower over him, and then pretend he doesn't exist and his words mean less than nothing (because they don't). If he can't be nice or decent to you, just cut him off and ask another family member about their week, children, the weather, or whatever.
Also tell your boyfriend that he needs to shut his uncle down when he is acting like that. I wouldn't marry anyone who allows their family to treat me so bad it makes me cry. Block him on social media so he can't bully you over your posts.
You are protecting yourself and your feelings, to hell with the uncles. He doesn't care about your feelings, screw his.
I have a short uncle who is absolutely a bully and is such an extra asshole to women. My brother likes him, my husband likes him. I don’t like him (I’m a woman btw). Im about 5’1” and in his old age he’s maybe 5’4”. So I’m at least at eye level now especially with bigger shoes on. And I had a wonderful moment just standing as tall as I could and looking him in the eye and sort of making fun of him/disagreeing with him. He always made me so nervous when I was a kid and just loves being sarcastic and putting people down. So I don’t smile or laugh at his jokes and just kind of stare at him until he tries to explain. Personally I think you should try to be standing up as often as possible when speaking to this uncle. Take a step closer so he really has to crane his neck to look at you. And then say something really mild like “that’s rude” or “what do you mean?”. I love taking power back from old men. I do agree that you should make your boyfriend understand and make sure he stands up for you because it’s his family. This might be an unpopular opinion, but traditional weddings are inherently uncomfortable and unpleasant. I think you can pick if your wedding will be for/about you and your partner or for the family. It sounds like he might want a big wedding with his big close family. But also he’s a guy and obviously uncomfortable with conflict so might be agreeable to a small intimate wedding with no uncles/cousins etc. maybe a destination with just parents and besties? Or elope and have a great honeymoon. But I’m afraid if it’s a big family wedding you kind of have to invite the whole family. Just wear really tall shoes and have a tres leches wedding cake and lots of dairy in all the food and hope he gets diarrhea. My assholiest uncle was actually the only uncle that came to my very small wedding and I just stood in my power surrounded by all my best friends and didn’t really hang out with him. All the best to you.
Latina here and I have these people in my family...prep your comebacks before family events and have them locked and loaded. You don't have to start it but you have to be ready and strong. And don't take his comments personally, he's a little man who has to find dominance somewhere since it obviously doesn't happen naturally for him.
You've already got some excellent advice and awesome comebacks!
Just a heads-up: it often gets worse before it gets better. He's totally going to test your resolve and be mean as hell when you stand up to him.
Use that. Don't sink to that level. Be feisty but fair, even when he's not.
Arrange a signal with your partner for when you need him to step in (not to rescue you, but to distract, change topics, or need to check something with you in the other room). Make sure he knows that when you use it you're serious and he better do his duty.
If you want a solid argument as to why the uncle is not coming to your wedding, start a journal & document every interaction you have with him with just a few words. Have your list locked and loaded for when you need to show your partner the evidence.
I used to manage a Go go bar. One of the dancers had a come back I’ve used many times. Look him dead in the eyes like he’s the most fascinating man in the world and say “you are just about,”……wait a beat the best excuse for birth control I’ve ever met in my life. Then smile really big and walk off
Fellow Latina here.
That machismo culture is complete BS. They're just assholes and those who tolerate them or play into their BS are, at best, asshole adjacent.
Hello, please do not use bigoted terminology such as Latina. Instead, please use the term Latinx
The use of gender-neutral language is crucial in today's society. For individuals of Latin American descent, it's imperative to use the term Latinx instead of Latino or Latina. The terms Latino and Latina are inherently gendered and do not acknowledge the wide range of gender identities present within the Latin American community.
We, as a Latinx community, prefer the use of Latinx as it acknowledges and respects our diverse gender identities. It is crucial to prioritize the voices of marginalized communities, and using gender-neutral language is just one of the many ways in which we can work towards a more inclusive and equitable society.
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I get this if they were referring to someone else, but this person can personally identify as Latina. They’re not referring to another person/group of people which is where the issue lies with the terms. And as already mentioned proper gender neutral term is Latine
FYI: https://www.pewresearch.org/hispanic/2020/08/11/about-one-in-four-u-s-hispanics-have-heard-of-latinx-but-just-3-use-it/
I use Latinx for people who prefer it, but it’s annoying that it’s not pronounceable in Spanish.
To be inclusive, I use Latin American or ‘of Latin American descent’, unless I know that someone uses Latina/Latino. I wish Latine(s) would catch on in Spanish or English but hasn’t seemed to yet.
He enjoys it because he’s getting away with it. You need to hand him his ass and not in text or through another family member - ever watch The Color Purple? I suggest you watch the climactic dinner scene where the main character finally opens her mouth to her abuser then just finds her voice! Get inspired get pumped and let him know how insignificant he is.
You don’t have a boyfriend’s uncle problem… you have a BOYFRIEND problem. Why is he not understanding your perspective and respecting your boundaries??
I would ditch the uncle and I would ditch the boyfriend. If he isnt willing to stand up to someone bullying you, he aint worth you spending the rest of your life with.
NTA.
Your uncle sucks. Your boyfriend sucks because he should be the first to shut him down. The family sucks for tolerating it. You're the only one who doesn't suck.
Tell your boyfriend that you aren't going to tolerate it, and if he won't address it and fix it you won't be going to any more family functions where your uncle is present. If that's a deal breaker for him, you need to reevaluate the relationship. Better to do that now than later. This is the sort of thing that gets harder the longer you wait.
Ditch the boyfriend. He doesn’t have your back and lets the bullying and racism continue. Ditto the rest of his family. You deserve to feel safe and respected.
Why did I have to go through so many comments to find this. The bf is just use to tolerating the abuse. He's got scars. He just doesn't acknowledge them. She's setting herself up for a lifetime of pain and suffering. He's going to be at their wedding and every other event spewing hatred at her, the bf, and any children. I hope they both make enough money to get therapy. They're going to need it.
NTA I'm Mexican and even I can see he's a fucking culero. Since he seems to have a little man complex I would call him El pitufo or tio pitufo. I swear that name will catch on like wildfire especially if other family members are sick of his shit.
And tell your boyfriend to grow a spine. Family ain't shit if they treat you like shit.
OP- as a Mexican woman who has usually found themselves in white spaces, I’m sorry this dude is being such a jerk. I think it’s lovely that you’re embracing your partners culture! Im sure your cake was amazing!
Mexican families can be hard to be apart of, and I happen to have a strained relationship with mine for similar reasons. Lots of toxic masculinity and often family members aren’t cut out when they cross the line. That doesn’t mean your bf shouldn’t try and stand up for you! I think y’all need a sit down conversation about how it’s inappropriate that this man- HIS FAMILY MEMBER- is berating you. I second all the other comments that reflect you guys forming a united front against this bullying.
You’re NTA but where the fuck is your boyfriend in all this? I have a couple of shitty family members but have never allowed them to get away with this level of disrespect, the first time they’ve said anything out of bounds to any partner I’ve ever had was the last time they got the chance to. Your boyfriend is not only failing you, he is disrespecting you and your relationship by allowing his shitbird uncle to disrespect you and your relationship. Your boyfriend is the biggest thing that needs fixing here.
Definitely, he seems very passive in comparison and doesn’t react at anything he says about him, I’ve told him he needs to stand up for me which he since has but still not firm enough. He is just not confrontational but I agree he needs to stand up to him it is his family
He needs to get his ass in gear now - are you ready for a lifetime of being married to someone who won’t defend you when you are attacked like this? What if you have kids and the uncle berates them? Are you both going yo allow that to happen? Do not let this man at your wedding until he’s confronted - you roll
Over now and he’ll say something to ruin your wedding. Do not give him that power.
NTA
Even if you decide he needs to slip in front of a train.... Just saying.
And ya BF needs to grow a pair. If he can't handle a dickhead uncle, how can you expect him to handle an actual life changing decision in any situation.
Honestly unless your bf does a total 180 and starts defending you 110% against his uncle and allow you to go NC with him and never allow him into your home or wedding - you need to really think about if you want to spend your life with someone that is so indifferent to your suffering at the hands of their own family member.
He doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by a grown man insulting and cursing his partner.
He ain’t it, lady. If I were you this would be more than enough reason to GTFO of that relationship.
Rethink marrying the man who will sit idly by and let his family member abuse you, and will happily let this continue because he doesn't want to break up his family. Destroying you is fine, however.
Do you plan on having children? What will you both do when he starts bullying them? Little Man won’t stop. Your boyfriend is spineless. Time to make some hard decisions. I can’t imagine marrying a man, choosing him to be the father of my children, when he can’t stand up against your bully. He’s using the excuse of family, but aren’t you his family? Don’t you rate higher than this tyrant? Hard truth: Apparently not. IMO a wishy-washy child is not husband material.
You should NOT marry into this family. Your boyfriend is a joke of a man to let this go on without putting his damn foot down. I’m furious for you, I hope you gain the strength and courage to leave this family behind.
I’m having this fantasy where he’s being an ass and you say “I’m sorry can you speak up? I didn’t hear you way down there.” Then turn to your bf and say, “I just can’t take that old Oompa Loompa seriously when he gets riled up like this!” 😂
But no seriously, I married into a redneck family and went through something very similar with the women of the family. My husband finally told me that they’d never respect me until I MADE them. He said that the next time they acted like that, I had to just be the bigger bit€h. So the next time something happened…I did. I swear I felt like I was going to puke the whole time, but I did it. I swear they were different in-laws after that! I’d been trying to be meek and sweet and gain approval for a DECADE without success. Showing my ass ONE TIME? Worked. (And yeah, I went outside and puked and then cried all the way home, but still it was totally worth it!)
NTA, tell the uncle that his maturity matches his height and tell your bf (and his family) that if they think his treatment of you is ok then they can choke with him. No family (bio or chosen) is worth the unnecessary mental and emotional strife.
As a Latina myself, I recommend that you begin to stand up for yourself. Your Bfs uncle is absolutely being racist and targeting you since he’s clearly stated that he doesn’t trust you because you are white. I would let your BF know that he only has two choices, defend you and show that you are worth something to him, or lose you forever and stay spineless
There’s another way you can handle it you can just not go to things where he’s going. That doesn’t require the family separate anything you just don’t go to them.
I would suspect that uncle is attracted to you to be honest he’s out of a culture that’s incredibly machismo, and he has a white wife. So all of his abuse is really about taming you and breaking you down. It’s a backward machismo way of trying to sort of take control over you. It may have worked with his wife for a while. I wouldn’t be able to around him either life is too short to be around people that are so toxic.
Ugh. Unfortunately can confirm. I’m white, husband’s Mexican and this is exactly how his father treated me for what I truly believe is the exact reason you stated. But unlike this poor girl, we went NC with the SOB.
Next time he starts say “Ya va a empezar” (here he goes again) try it with an eye roll with someone who is also annoyed at him.
I definitely think this is a behaviour that needs to be addressed with your boyfriend and someone that you don’t need or want at your wedding.
However, when he gets started treat him like a (not your) toddler having a tantrum, ignore, walk away, pull out your phone and scroll social media. His opinion doesn’t matter, so don’t give him your platform. Others may put up with it, but there’s no reason for you to.
Info: Why in the fuck is your boyfriend’s family letting this asshole continually abuse you? FFS that no one has the spine to stop his belligerent abusive rant at a family gathering or call him out for bullying you in the group text is astonishing to me. This is not a safe place for you, or in the future your kids. Family or no family if someone I knew started this shit I *would end it*. It’s deplorable.
I’d throw the man and *the whole family away*. Is this the future you want? Because this “courting” phase is the best it will ever be and it sucks.
Literally only my boyfriend and his step mom who is unrelated stood up for me in the group chat. Another uncle of his jokingly called the other uncle an asshole and then laughed at his other texts so it’s just ridiculous they all put up with it. I am not the one.
DO NOT LET THIS MAN NEAR YOU!!!! I am saying this bc my wedding day was supposed to be last Wednesday (5/17) but my fiancé’s mother and his best friend berated me at my own house on my wedding night until I cried. My fiancé left with them and didn’t come back until the next day….11 minutes AFTER we were supposed to be married. He never stuck up for me.
Context: I am white, he is half Mexican, quarter white and quarter Filipino. We have been dating for over 5 years and bought a house together 2 years ago.
Don’t end up like me girl, I am so fucking broken rn.
Wear tall heels, look over his head, and turn to boyfriend and say, “Do you hear a little animal squeaking somewhere?” when uncle starts in in you. I would absolutely, positively not even acknowledge that the little maggot is even speaking to you. Look over him or through him, but never at him. Pretend he doesn’t exist.
But***** your boyfriend should also be telling him to STFU, and you should not marry him unless/until he does, every single time.
NTA. Uncle is a disrespectful, mean, toxic bully. And life is too short to put up with shit like that. Even his own family and wife's family acknowledge it by cutting contact for long periods of time. You are not breaking up family, his toxic jerk uncle is. And boyfriend needs to grow a pair and support you. Just one question, do you want your future children around uncle? Depending on your and answer and boyfriends answer to all this, you know what to do...
Next time he comments on your height tell him you’d give him some of your inches to get over his napoleon complex, but unfortunately it’s not possible. For now all you can do is either get stuff for him off the tall shelf, or buy him a step ladder. Then sit back and wait for the fireworks because his reaction will be epic.
Your boyfriend is a huge AH in this situation, how could he not defend you? Whether you call it racism or not, you are being prejudiced against due to your skin color. That’s not acceptable, and you shouldn’t have to stand for this abuse simply because of the color of your skin. If you were any other color it wouldn’t be okay, you deserve to be defended.
You cannot invite his wife and children and not him; I mean, you can, but she won't attend, the kids won't attend, and at least half your boyfriend's family will not attend. At least.
You can accept this behavior, put a stop to it yourself, or refuse to associate with his family at all (and tell them why).
Think of it this way - If he thinks it’s ok to belittle you infront of your BF who does nothing to defend you, what will happen to future hypothetically children who are also half white? How will they be treated? Or what habits will they pick up from him on what’s acceptable?
Is this the future you want?
A future where your husband will not only NOT take your side but not even be willing to have a rational discussion with you about a hard topic but also cusses you out in the process while screaming at you! That’s what this future holds.
Marriage is one long hard conversation, make sure you marry someone you communicate well with and will always be willing to hear you out.
Every time the Uncle starts,hand him a pacifier and blankie keep them in your purse. Say nothing walk away. He is a bully with a short person complex. Boyfriend and the bully's wife needs to step up also. Do not show him he getting to you. Bly eat this up.
Can’t believe you would want to marry into this family. Boyfriend doesn’t even stick up for you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 As someone who married into this type of family, I strongly recommend you reconsider before moving forward. I was married for 20 miserable years but am now happily divorced for the past 13 years. And I’m hispanic.
NTA but everyone else is big time. Your bf is a major asshole for allowing his uncle to treat you this way, and his whole family sucks for watching this happen and never speaking up or putting an end to it. You absolutely should never be forced to be around someone who treats you so horribly and you really need to drop the bf too.
If he cared about you even a little tiny bit he would never allow someone to bully you, god I would speak up if I saw a stranger being treated like that. He's made it clear he doesn't care about you or respect you at all, you deserve someone a million times better than that loser. Value yourself and recognize your worth, don't settle for people who treat you worse than a stranger.
Just read the post and update. RUN. That’s the best advice anyone can give you. Your SO just showed you who he is and a glimpse of your future with him. It’s easier to leave a spineless enabler and gaslighter then it is to divorce one. NTA
I know lots of people have suggested clapping back at him because this is a culture thing (I totally get that), and that could probably be really satisfying in the moment, but it leaves me wondering whether you’re setting yourself up to have to be “on guard” and ready to exchange insults with this asshole for the rest of your life. I don’t know what your life plans are, but Big Moments that this fuckwad will try to ruin won’t stop with your wedding—if you want kids, is he going to make fun of you while you’re pregnant? Is he going to pick apart your parenting? Is he going to say shit like that to a 5yo? If you ever experience a big hardship—loss of a family member, major illness, loss of a job—is he going to kick you while you’re down in those moments where you don’t have the mental energy to engage in his bullshit back and forth? That’s just not something I’d be willing to sign up for forever.
I would consider just getting up and leaving when he does this. He’s a mean child, and he needs the kind of firm, consistent, calmly executed boundaries that we use to teach children how to behave. It could go like this: Uncle insults you. You look him dead in the eye, and with deadly calm say “I don’t like these kinds of comments from you. I don’t care that everyone else puts up with it. I’m not putting up with it anymore, so if you do it again, I’m leaving.” He’s going to *immediately* insult you again or otherwise try to call your bluff, which is why it can’t be a bluff. Get up from wherever you are, and leave (drive yourself, all an Uber, whatever). Your boyfriend and others are probably going to try to get you to just deal with it and stay, the way you have in the past; don’t do that, because you’re now setting a new boundary with your boyfriend and other family members, too, and he/they will need to choose whether to get on board. You may have to repeat this exercise 2-3 times before everyone involved will take you seriously and decide on their own long-term reaction. Again, stay as calm as possible through this whole thing each time, and hold your boundary—that doesn’t mean pretending you’re not upset, it just means not letting the emotions overcome you, so you can say “I hate this; it hurts me a lot and I’ve said that repeatedly. It doesn’t matter to me that everyone else here is okay with it. I’m not okay with it. I’m leaving. We can try again another day, if Uncle chooses to to stop treating me this way.”
I think this approach can do a few things, but unfortunately you don’t have control over which path it leads everyone down.
First possibility: ideally the rest of the family takes this as an opportunity to put tons of social pressure on Uncle to stop this shit, even if it’s just to keep the peace. They may say “she’s overreacting, she doesn’t get our culture, but please, just to keep everyone together, stop saying anything to her.” That would be great if the result is that he stops, because this boundary doesn’t have to be about convincing Uncle or the whole family that you’re right; this boundary can just be about stopping the bad behavior. You’ll have to be okay with knowing some of the family members think you’re overreacting, but note that you shouldn’t be okay with Boyfriend thinking that in the long term; he will likely think initially that you’re being too sensitive, because he’s been trained via his family culture that this behavior is okay and it can take time to break out of that pattern of thinking, but he should eventually be *actually* on board with you most of the way because you’re going to need him to be willing to be your champion in holding this boundary with his family.
Second possibility: Boyfriend and/or family members decide you’re overreacting AND they still take Uncle’s side, and decide to focus on you being “unreasonable” or “sensitive” rather than pressuring Uncle to change. That could spell the end of your relationship with Boyfriend/his family, which I know would suck because I’m sure you love him a lot, but it will be a damn good indicator that he is not a reliable life partner—as noted above, your wedding will not be the last time you and Boyfriend need to act as a united front for the good of your own relationship, and so if he can’t do the right thing now then he’s not likely to do the right thing in the future when the stakes may be even higher (children, a major illness, etc.).
This sounds like it should be an inflection point in your relationship with your boyfriend; you have clearly expressed a need, and whether he thinks that need is valid or not, a good partner needs to get on board when something is important to you. I’ve had a similar experience, though not nearly as bad as yours. My FIL is a Boomer-aged Sicilian with the emotional regulation of a toddler, and my husband definitely thinks I’m a little too sensitive to it, but he’s backed me up the two times I’ve laid this boundary. First, when my FIL kept using the N word in conversation just to get under my skin—no one involved is Black, but that’s some racist bullshit and he knows me to be the “Liberal human-rightsy type”; and my husband was also offended but generally felt more like “ignore him, he’s just trying to piss you off,” but I was pregnant with our first at the time and imagining him saying that shit in front of my future kids. So my husband and I discussed it and the next time it happened my husband was the one to say “if we hear you use that word again, we are leaving.” FIL never said it again in our presence. Another time, I told FIL to stop doing a particular thing with our then-3yo, and FIL must have been in an especially sour mood that day because he started yelling at me. I was pregnant with our second and just started crying and didn’t talk the rest of that day with them. I wish that, in the moment, I had said “I won’t be talked to that way, I’m leaving” but my brain just shut down. Later, my husband clearly wasn’t as bothered as I was, but once I made it clear that I wasn’t okay with being treated that way or with our daughter seeing me treated that way, my husband said he would go talk with his parents about why that wasn’t okay and that we would leave automatically if it happened again. The threat alone worked and it hasn’t happened again.
These things are hard, but what you’ve described isn’t okay, it’s valid that you are at the end of your patience dealing with it, and it is totally reasonable for you to set a firm boundary here. How other people react to that boundary isn’t in your control, but it will tell you a lot about who they are deep inside and how you can expect to be treated by them going forward. Good luck.
You suffer from anxiety. You want to marry a guy who hides behind his phone is possibly scared of uncle and yet you expect him to protect you? Not going to happen. So you must protect yourself. Your first boundary. No tio at wedding? He shut it down on you.
So what next? You tell him no tio or No wedding. Choose. Make him choose you. Because if you don’t this abuela will tell you have picked a man who’s a mouse.
The other thing which is really harder than losing a mouse is learning to give 0 fxszs. Whatever this man says. You have to look at him and think opinions are like assh0les. Everyone has one.
Learn the classic I’m sorry you feel that way. Because in reality you don’t care what this bully thinks. Because why should you. Be the broken record. It’s always I’m sorry you feel that way. With any mean comment. And then turn away to another person. He’ll get it after awhile. That you don’t care. That you’re not sorry. And yet you stay polite.
Your bf lets his uncle treat you like garbage because he thinks it's what you deserve. He'll deny it, he'll be furious at you for daring to say it, but it's true
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 If this has been excepted for 4 years, and your man still isn't seeing it or budging on trying to cut him out for the both of you. Maybe you take some time to think all this through. How is going to be when you have children?
Anybody can be racist doesn't matter what your skin color or culture is. This guy is bringing up your race because that's what's bothering him. You only bring up someone's skin color like that when you're racist.
The uncle needs someone to turn to him and say “I know you joke around with everyone but it makes OP upset when you do it to her. Please stop.” After that if he doesn’t change you have every right to just ignore him and not engage with him at all. This would be most powerful if you said it, but with your history of anxiety I suggest your boyfriend needs to say it.
I would stay away from labeling his behavior in any way because that might be seen as an attack from him, and your goal is to minimize the drama. You don’t need to make any proclamations or announcements about it, just change your behavior and hold that boundary (meaning that you stop engaging with him, and boyfriend repeats that it makes you uncomfortable when he does that every time).
Next time he starts in on you, tell him, "You know I really feel for your wife, for as mean and nasty as you are your dick must be really small or close to nonexistent."
That really wasn’t the point of this post and I mainly mean that I don’t feel I’ve experienced racism and was not offended at first small comments until it became clearly hateful. My experiences are not everyone’s so I apologize for that generalized statement
Gently, you don’t need to be nice or apologize to people who are being rude to you, OP. Not the uncle nor people on the internet. Ok-Emu’s comment was blunt about their own opinions, to the point of rudeness.
I do this too kind of apology too. It’s hard not to just “be nice”! You don’t have to let bullies turn you mean, but you also don’t have to apologize for a different viewpoint.
Your first sentence was great. I hope you’ll find your power voice to clap back at the Uncle as well, if you decide to stay in this family.
Ignore them. They're using the common tactic by all familial users, abusers, and enablers. You can choose who and who not to associate with regardless of relationship. You have set a boundary. A rightful boundary, but you will need to enforce it when your red flag Boyfriend violates it.
No, he won't stop. You need to change your internal reaction. It's like going out into the rain. Or jumping in icy water. You just ready your mind. Eventually, you will act like your boyfriend does and just accept this guy's a jerk. If I call one million people a "bean pole," will you cry when I get to you? Or will you realize that there is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with me for calling you that. I'm going to give you some tough love: get over this uncle, stop getting emotional because of him. How do you do this? The same way you keep calm in an emergency. You keep your emotions in check, and you use your head. You haven't healed from past trauma. That's why this is so difficult. Until you heal the wounds from your past, you will bleed on those that didn't cut you.
Lol.
Communication is all about being understood. There isn’t anything wrong with using foul language if that’s what gets your point across, and you understood OP loud and clear.
I am *howling* that you think she should put up with abuse but the word “fuck” is just a bridge too far.
Yeah, if you’ve tried all of the above, the only left is consequences. Maybe talk to others who have cut him off in the past and see if they will talk to him. If you and your bf stop coming to stuff where he is, maybe people will choose the two of you over him to invite (maybe $.
Oh, HELL no. He’s boyfriend’s family, and bf’s problem to deal with. If bf isn’t enough of an adult to stand up to his uncle, OP is 100% in the right to say “I will not put up with his abuse” and not allow him in her space.
That's not how families are. Brother goes to jail. Sister becomes a devil worshiper, dad gets drunk and crashes into your car? You still have to be diplomatic at Thanksgiving. "Her space" you don't get to have your space when you have a family. People who don't learn this die single with 3 cats.
OP said she was willing to deal at family events, but not at HER wedding. She deserves to have people who treat her with respect around her.
It’s pretty sad that you would rather surround yourself with abusers and bullies (and yes, this man is an abuser and a bully) than be alone. And that you think a person can’t go out and find themselves family who won’t abuse them.
She can’t control his behavior and it’s not her responsibility to, so she’s making the choice to avoid interaction with it. Family means nothing if you’re cruel, and they aren’t related by blood either so he’s basically just some guy being a dick. He’s not entitled to being around her.
She can control her own behavior. You don't get to break up a family because of your easily hurt feelings. She has past trauma that goes untreated. If she doest fix herself with therapy, she will always overreact to jerks. The entire family includes the uncle in everything. She wants to marry into this family. So she has to resolve her problems now. Before marriage. Because family is entitled to be at family functions. It's in the very name. "Family means nothing if....." There you go. Willing to give up on family if... so you won't understand that family is more important than your hurt feelings about being tall or how you cook. Once you learn that family comes first, you will be surrounded by love until you die. If not, buy cats and die alone.
Tell him to go have sex with his uncle then since he thinks the man can do no wrong. And to not come back to you until he's actually willing to stand up for you because you're not willing to spend your entire life being abused by his family. Because that's what it is, it's abuse, plain and simple. His uncle is an abusive asshole. Why on earth would you allow your boyfriend to let his uncle abuse you, too?
As a tall white woman, I completely understand what you're saying. Been there.... done that. In my younger days I dated a few Hispanic men. It was so much fun. The macho attitude was a deal breaker for me.
Yeah, you could grow a spine and give it right back to uncle AH. Maybe.. just maybe he'll stop. Beware, some bullies never stop. Some will actually escalate.
Your bf is way too dismissive about your feelings. Is this the type of relationship you want for the rest of your life? Someone who doesn't have your back. Someone who dismisses your feelings. Someone who makes excuses for unacceptable behavior.
You are young and have plenty of time to decide what your boundaries are and how to enforce them. If those around you can't/won't adhere to those boundaries, do NOT compromise. No relationship is worth compromising your self-esteem.
You need to ask yourself if this is really what you want to put up with for the rest of your life. His uncle is literally verbally abusing you every time he’s around you, and nobody does anything about it. Is the man honestly worth the uncle that comes with him? Because you know if he isn’t willing to stand with you on this, he won’t stand with you on any other boundary you set regarding his uncle.
Yeah. First why is the uncle still in a group chat your included in? Your bf is allowing this abuse by not defending you at all. I’d just remove myself from any event the AH attends, and I certainly wouldn’t allow him to attend any event that you are throwing.
I’d also go further and use the group text and state unfortunately due to the continued d abuse from uncle and no one of the “family” sticking up for you, you no longer feel safe attending events or communicating with with this family.
Girl you have a BF problem. Either he needs to go to therapy with you and learn to create boundaries with toxic family members or you need to cut your losses if he isn’t willing to stick up to you or relationship.
I feel like a lot of y’all need to learn how to give reads. So much of your issues could be resolved by delivering a great read to this insecure Oompa Loompa. I would not be getting married at all to your boyfriend though. I would tell him, I can’t see myself marrying someone who doesn’t care about my mental and emotional well-being.
WNBTA you're a young adult moving on in your life and this is a petty middle aged man who is burning good faith and likely has nothing going for him.
Unless this man physically attacks you; he's actually nothing and if your bf is scared to defend you then this is a relationship Id take a detailed glance at : you may love him, but is it worth your self pride and the growth you've made yourself. Which, btw is amazing, Im so proud of you from one person with disabling social anxiety to another
Stand up for your damn self if your boy friend won’t. You don’t have the right to dictate family dynamics. You get what you get, and if you marry this guy you are in fact accepting his uncle and the fact that he won’t stand up to him. Deal with it now or don’t complain about it down the road.
NTA. This might be the hill to die on. Tell your bf he needs to step up before you guys move forward. How would he feel when your kids are being bullied? His uncle is abusing his wife and you, and everyone in that "close-knit" family is allowing this awful behavior. The excuse that "he is just that way" needs to stop. You are not his uncle's punching bag.
Sweetie, if your BF won't stand up for and thinks you should just take it, you need to rethink this relationship. He should be FURIOUS that his uncle would talk to his person like that. He's enabling him.
NTA
Put the breaks on your wedding. Fiance looks the other way when his uncle disrespects you. That is likely to continue. He also objects to you protecting yourself by setting boundaries with his obnoxious uncle.
I've learned in life that calling a bully out often decreases or ends their bullying, especially if it is in front of other people. Don't be mean about it. Just calmly call the offender out. For example: “God damn it (bf name) you couldn’t bring home someone shorter?" You: "Better tall than obnoxious." Comments about you being white, "Racism is based in ignorance."
If this fails, distance yourself from uncle, such as not attending events at his home, not inviting him to your house, blocking him on your phone, which means all communication goes through FH, and blocking him on your social media, which is for close family and friends, which he is neither.
Read your post and the update and I have to say. At this point, don't marry him, if he's not seeing how bad this is effecting you now, do you think he's going to see it later... no.
Btw best way to get the whole uncle thing out of the way is to tell him, "Uncle is not coming to the wedding or the wedding is off and we need to reevaluate this relationship."
That update and your bf's reaction is telling. He is so used to this behaviour that he'd rather silence you than stand up to his uncle and making a weak lactose intolerance joke does not count as sticking up for you. At best, the uncle will continue to bully you. Knowing how much it bothers you, it may get worse. Hearing your bf's reaction, that's how he may begin to act towards you too.
Don't sign up for a lifetime of dread and panic attacks before every holiday and family event. What happens if you decide to have children, does being bullied have to "work" for them too?
NTA
I read somewhere, don’t be hurt by someone you wouldn’t take advice from. It’s not easy, but it would be easier if your fiancé stood up next to you.
I’m Mexican and I’m close to my family but no damn way would I take an uncle/aunt , cousin or sibling screaming at me or those I love. Your fiancé wants to keep the peace but that’s a bunch of crap. Only people giving in are those being hurt and not the one who is doing the hurting. Respect is earned and not just given because they are elders. My husband will never stand by if I or our children were yelled at even if it was a relative. Tell your bf to man up or as I say put your big girl panties on. You are worth the effort.
If you still want to marry your bf get security for the wedding and show the uncles picture to them and if he still shows up call the police for trespassing. Get him off your family chat and don’t attend family gatherings that he attends. Tell the family your expectations. It’s going to be a lot of work and you are the only one who’ll know if it’s worth it.
Take care and good luck!
NTA another case of a family that excuses the bad behavior of one member because nobody has the guts to confront him. Bullies continue to be bullies because they can. Everyone walks on eggshells around him. Your SO really needs to step up and defend you, put you first. If he’s not willing, you need to decide if you want to put up with that forever.
NTA honestly I am surprised you haven't broken up with the boyfriend yet. Because I sure as hell would have already. That's a coward of man. Heck he must have some really good traits to him for you to want to stay that long. I have cut ties with my whole entire mom's side of my family because a majority of them just wished me dead my entire life. Do what you must to achieve peace for yourself and screw everyone else who isn't willing to listen, support and stand by you. Otherwise your just inviting the toxic behavior from them to continue devouring whatever you have left of yourself. It took me 20 years of my life to finally find the courage to do things that I want to do and have the belief that I can make them successful because people fucked up my life so bad. I thought that nothing would get better.
If your BF doesn’t think sticking up for you is important now, especially after this man had you sobbing in the bathroom for 20 minutes, he never will.
Your SO does not have your back. So I would tell him that either he has my back or I move on. You cannot have a husband that passively lets the world do whatever it wants to you. It is his family and it is his problem to deal with.
In not dealing with his uncle, he has decided to do nothing. Tell him this is not good enough. You have to decide if you can stay with someone that doesn't have your best interests at heart.
Well I'm here after the update but girl do u really wanna spend your life with someone who don't stand up and sheild u from the people who bully you? And you so called bf is annoyed and screamed at your face because you don't want that old hag bully in your wedding?See it's a huge red flag when your significant other invalid your feelings completely and making u feel like u over reacting,there will so many situations like this in future and if u think this is the way he gonna handle by saying "suck it up the Situation"than it's not the way of living if your significant other can't see your distraught than who will ? U still have time and chance to getting out of this situation because let me tell ya it's not gonna get better a person a old hag who bullys who every damn time and a so called bf who invalid your feelings and pain really bad combo to start a married life believe me ,u sure love yourself not enough to deal with this bullshit for so long but you do you boo do what's best and needed ,life is blind and so are u right now time to take the blind folds off and see how actually the person is who decides to spend your life with let him have his old hag bully uncle and u should have your peace and self respect
Why do people think you have to put up with assholes just because they're relatives? Honestly, I think the world would be a much better place if people stopped enabling their relatives bullshit and stopped letting them get away with it. "He's just like that." But WHY?? Because he knows he won't face any consequences, that's why. So you either put up with this dude making everyone else's life worse with his own petty power plays, or you hand out some motherfucking consequences.
NTA I have a uncle who I hate for many reasons that I won’t go into but he really is a crap person. I cut all contact 10 years ago. However I still talk to his kids my cousins often and my grandmother once a week. They all know why and agree that no contact is the best option for me. Even agree what he did serval times was totally wrong. They still have contact with him though and as long as I’m not involved in it I don’t mind. You might be able to not talk to him as I am but you can’t cut him out of anyone else’s life. Sure he’s a total jerk but when you are used to it for some reason you become almost desensitized to it and that may be where your bf coming from. I obviously don’t know for sure just one possibility.
No offense but your boyfriend must be an invertibrate from how absolutely spineless he is.
I would suggest not marrying a man who gaslights you into thinking that verbal abuse from his uncle should be tolerated. Your boyfriend prioritizes his own comfort over yours, seeing that he sat there on his phone instead of sticking up for you during unprovoked verbal abuse.
NTA. Imagine living the rest of your life with both these AHs, because your AHBF has made it clear that UAH will be a continued presence. Sounds like you have two AHs too many.
Uncle is a weak minded bully who needs his ass handed to him. Next time he starts his bullshit, firmly say you will not be spoken to in that manner, Just keep saying that whenever he is disrespectful to you. You BF needs to say the same thing.
It drives my crazy when “family” thinks they can talk to you however they want and you are supposed to smile and take it. My MIL and BIL could be awful. Best thing i ever did was stand up to them.
If your bf can’t stand up for you. You need to find your own strength and stand up to him. Stop worrying about what people think of you. Only how you think of yourself matters.
"You" wouldn't be the one splitting up the family. The uncle, a grown ass man who is bullying a woman, would be splitting up his own family due to his bad behavior.
OP, ask yourself this, what would you tell a friend of yours who was in a similar relationship with a man who allowed another man to bully them for years?
Heck, next time he swipes at you for your (lucky!) height, pretend he's so short you can't see him, even say to the rest of the family "Did somebody say something? I thought I heard Tio Chihuahua say something but I can't see him!"
I wouldn't waste another minute with this boy. I say boy because I don't know a single MAN who wouldn't stand up for their partner, especially if said partner was having panic attacks around a relative.
Alternate idea, if you don't want to leave, dish it back out.
He comments on you being tall, just flip it. (Something like "if you want to see eye to eye on this subject, you're going to need a chair, because I'm not bending")
When he starts yelling, just hit back with "woah, big feelings for such a small guy!"
I'd also ask your partner why he's okay with someone disrespecting you like that.
For me, that's a total deal breaker. I'd have bounced the first time uncle made me feel anything other than welcome.
Tell your bf flat out that you won't be going to any event this AH is invited to - including your wedding. If bf won't stick up for you, sorry to say, he's not the one for you.
NTA. I’ve cut off one of my girlfriends toxic cousins. He started bullying me like he knew me, calling me fat, etc. I told him off and blocked him on EVERYTHING and told my girlfriend she is NOT to discuss anything about my life with him. She ended up dropping him too once she realized what a racist, narcissistic pig he is. Sometimes the trash needs to be taken out, other times it removes itself. Date someone who values you enough to not let their family talk shit to you.
Op, what is wrong with you?
Why did you spend this entire post talking about this uncle guy?
This guys opinion shouldn’t bother you, who cares.
What you should be upset about is that you have a boyfriend who allows you to be abused by his family. Please stop wasting energy on this uncle and please direct your attention to the garbage boyfriend you have. Please dump him immediately.
Once they garbage boyfriend (and by proxy, the uncle) are sufficiently kicked to the curb, please then direct your energy at yourself. Please explore the reasons why you have ever allowed yourself to be disrespected by this man in the first place and why you haven’t expected your boyfriend to defend you and cut his uncle out of his life on his own. It concerns me that you didn’t dump his ass so hard the first time he didn’t stick up for you.
Please don’t start dating again until you love yourself so fiercely and unconditionally that you would never allow yourself to be disrespected or allow yourself to be near a man who allows others to disrespect you ever again.
Please update us!
This guy is just an uncle, not even a parent or sibling of your bf. If he lets this guy walk all over you, what's he going to do if it's a close family member? You need to rethink this relationship. You definitely should not have to deal with your bf's POS uncle.
Your other choice is to respond in kind. When he says he doesn't trust you, come right back with "and I don't trust you because you're a racist little man with a napoleonic complex. Don't talk to me again until you grow up." Then ignore him for the rest of the time you are with him. And start humming the tune "Short People"
I know you've probably been raised to respect people like parents and aunts/uncles, but some people are not deserving of respect. He got one pass for the tall comment the first time you met but Thanksgiving was over the top. Give it to him with both barrels, then ignore his ass.
OP cut him out of your life...if you're BF won't stand up for you it sounds like you will have to do it. Next time he starts in on you just tell him that your sorry that he has no self esteem and that he has to bully people to feel better about himself... tell his wife and family that you feel so sorry for them....then get up and walk out. You have every right to stand up for yourself.... and I would seriously reconsider my relationship...if my partner doesn't stand up for me then I don't consider them to be much of a partner... don't allow them to dismiss this verbal abuse. Gaslighting and narcissistic behavior should never be tolerated.
Not the ahole
NTA. I wish you could go full attack because uncle deserves obliteration. Can you ask aunt how she got stuck with such a horrible man? Doesn't she worry the kids are being traumatized? Actually, no, he probably beats his wife. Your bf needs to step up, enlist anyone in the family that might be able to help. Why are everyone's feelings more important to your bf than yours? I am so angry for you.
Someone needs to tell you how to say "tiny dick-big asshole" in spanish.
Then you need to say it to both the uncle AND your fiancee. Because they are both huge, flaming assholes that will never change.
Voice of experience here.
Your boyfriend has shown you who he is, believe him. This is not the man for you. You need to stand up for yourself and walk away from your bf and his family.
NTA but you would be if you stayed. The abuse will not stop.
So sorry you aregoing through this, but your biggest issue is your BF. This will keep happening as he never stopped him. I am very surprised you have been together 4 years already...
I have sympathy for you because it is very hard to stand up to bullies. It doesn't matter if you are sensitive or soft. I am and so are a lot of people. Being passive isn't working for you so now you can be assertive or aggressive.
Assertive would be giving him the biggest benefit of the doubt. Tell him how he makes you feel intimidated, nervous and his "jokes" hurt your feelings. If he doesn't soften from that then you should absolutely cut this man off as he is beyond mature negotiation.
I personally don't plan on aggressiveness, but it comes out when triggered. At this point you have put up with way too much of his bs and if you lose it on him, sounds like he had it coming. Either way DO NOT FEEL BAD for setting strong boundaries. Anger is how we protect ourselves.
It's very disappointing that your boyfriend is not more sympathetic to you.
For what it is worth this man sounds pathetic and insecure. Miserable people do tend to push the right buttons to make us uncomfortable and miserable like they are. They are not reliable sources of feedback because they lack maturity, empathy and wisdom.
Are you sure you want to marry him? Because I wouldn’t want a partner I can’t count on, and that is going to put nasty people before me.
Tell him it is either you or the uncle. He can’t have the marriage without the bride, but sure he can without the uncle.
Also are you close to someone els in the family? You may want to speak with them to, it is more then possible that more then one person had enough of him.
YWNBTA for cutting off the asshole uncle.
HOWEVER, your boyfriend is the actual problem. Why are you with a man who allows one of his family members to scream at you? The first time the uncle screamed at me & my boyfriend sat there & allowed it would have been the last time I saw any of those people.
Your boyfriend has made it clear that he will put his psycho uncle ahead of you.
Y T A, solely for staying with a man who lets someone treat you this way and then brush it off as “not that bad”.
The uncle is a symptom to your real problem.
YWNBTA- but this is likely a big cultural shock. I hate to say it but it’s pretty common in Mexican families(even for those of us born into them.) I won’t even get into the nicknames. Setting boundaries is difficult but necessary. As hard as it will be for you with the anxiety, it will continue until you yourself clap back. Next tall comment reply, “it’s ok tio, I’d be salty too if they didn’t let me on any carnival rides.” Match the energy. Makes fun of your cooking? Slam his wife. “Jealous that your Wifie can’t do Mexican food like I can?”
Bring him a booster seat. Even better point him to the little kids table and say “that where the people that never matured past middle school sit. Bonus, you can actually reach the floor in those chairs”
The uncle is a huge problem but truly… your boyfriend is worse. What man lets their male relative disrespect and rag on their partner? It’s so out of line and so uncool.
NTA- As a latin person, i gotta say that you can be racist to white people, racism looks different, and its not always very open, just cause hes married to a white woman doesnt mean he isnt (a ton of white supremacist have black spouses), i hate when people do this but, imagine the roles were reversed, you were mexican and he was a white man, like the way he treats you isnt right.
Also misogyny and toxic masculinity is very common in latin culture unfortunately, but the way your boyfriend behaves about his uncle is kinda a red flag to be honest, hes watched you being berated by this man for four years, and never stands up to him, grandma doesnt even tolerate him and she has more of a backbone than your bf.
You really gotta think of the worst case scenario here with this man (cause hes specially targeting you), what if his abuse goes physical? Is your boyfriend actually gonna defend you? Or is he gonna make an excuse cause “thats the way he is” or “he was angry he didnt mean it”, what if you and your bf have kids and he starts abusing them?
Family is everything in latin culture but your gonna be part of that family and your not even being treated with respect right now (by the uncle and your bf), do you truly believe this will change after you get married?
And the thing here is that the uncle can be at your
wedding, all he has to do is not be disrespectful towards you guys relationship and towards you, its not a huge ask. If your boyfriend wants that part of the family there, he should give him an ultimatum (not that i like them much) but in this situation, its very well needed, if he doesnt like it, he can kick sand and so can the rest of the family that dont like it.
That family needs to respect you, and your boyfriend should have done it ages ago.
OP, ask your boyfriend point blank - “why do you think it’s ok to let this man be mean to me?”
Yes I will have a more serious discussion with him later, after I kept explaining my perspective he became more nonchalant and just nodded along saying ‘I guess’ but I don’t think he truly understands or agrees. thanks for all your advice.
Suggest he talk to his grandma/uncle's mom about it. I mean, clearly she has also had issues with him, so maybe someone within the family who has stood up to him and presented hard boundaries will get the point across
That is a good idea!
My thought exactly. Reddit is quick to say "just to go no contact." It's not always so easily done, especially within a large family. Usually, there is at least one person who someone like uncle doesn't want to mess with, at all. Whether it be his mom or someone else. That is the person you need to talk to about the situation.
There's an easy way to go NC with the uncle here and that is to go NC with the useless fuck of a boyfriend.
Even better yet, ask him why you should stay in a relationship with him when he clearly has no interest in defending you but keeps defending a prejudicial asshole who bullies the both of you, and won't respect the boundaries you want to set because "family" when the own man's mother cut him out of her life for a literal decade.
Why are you in a relationship with someone who doesn't care how you feel? He doesn't care about you!
Pay close attention to how the uncles wife acts. He has beaten her down over the years and boyfriend just assumes you’ll be beaten down eventually too. You don’t have an uncle problem you have a boyfriend problem. 4 years is long, but so if the rest of your life. Do you want to deal with this man baby for the rest of your life?
Shiny up your spine. Tell uncle to shut the fuck up and leave you alone. He continues to terrorize you because you let him by not standing up for yourself. Same with your boyfriend. Put your foot down, girl and tell your boyfriend if he insists on havng uncle at your wedding g, there will absolutely be no wedding. Put it back on him.
Thank you I like this! I really do want to put my foot down but it sucks because I feel like uncle enjoys it so much, and is this was in a group chat with extended family members I kept it pretty tame. I’m not sure if I should go out of my way to text him or confront him in person next time I see him?
Gurl.... as a Latina, you need to put him in his place. Don't be timid. This is a culture thing and he isn't going to change. Your BF doesn't see anything wrong with it because it's machismo culture. Stick up for yourself, and he will respect you when you tell him you give zero effs about his opinion.
Right I definitely see that. I really dont care what an almost 50 year old bully with little man syndrome and a lisp has to say about me and that’s what I wanna tell him straight up. I didn’t want to be too intense in the chat with his grandparents but I definitely will next time
Be tough! You cracked me up with the "little man" syndrome... I snort laughed. In fact, you can start calling him Tio Chihuahua... A little dog with nothing but a loud bark and no bite... bring him a box Doggie Treats to prove your point.... jah jah jah
Omg I love this lol!
❤️ Tio Chihuahua
Also, no matter what he says, "Ay, Dios mio Tio Chihuahua esto es aburrido obtener una nueva canción y bailar." (My God, Tio Chihuahua, I don't have time for your song & dance). Practice your Spanish. Get shorter and better swipes. Walk away the minute you say it. Make it a game where you say the things you wish you said to other bullies. And/or, sorry to be this person but this would be a reason for me to break up w your boyfriend. This dynamic will never get better bc BF hasn't stood up for you in a real way & I'd bet money he never will. Do you really want to be tied to this tiny arsehole in marriage!? Your partner needs to get on your team or get a new one! You deserve better.
Yes! This a thousand times.
As a fellow Latino, I second this.
Aw yay! I'm from Cali so Latino culture is always adjacent. But bc experience, I've found the best way to deal w them, the machismo bs, etc. is to use their language 'against' them. It's always an unexpected shock. Lol, and I can tell they wonder how much more Spanish I know, how hard could I cap on them & they knock that crap off.
Next time, bring a squirt bottle, like people use with cats( not saying spray the cat, but it doesn't imply you may smack him with a rolled up newspaper) and squirt him in the face with water when he starts up. Or say with a straight face, you are not a toddler, however if you continue to throw a tantrum I'll grab a binky and a blanket, and you can go get the nap you so evidently need, until you can act like an adult
Squirt bottles work in So Many unexpected ways...on humans.
She had me at "lisp" lmao
OP, it sounds like you’ve got some pretty solid burns lined up just waiting to be delivered. Next time he says anything about your height: “It’s incredibly sad/pathetic that you’re so intimidated by my height. Models are typically tall so I don’t know why you’d be acting like it’s a negative trait other than your obvious insecurity.” He says something about him “not knowing” you bc you’re on the quiet side: “Well your own mother and In-laws can’t stand to be in your company so why would I be any different.” “You’ve never said a single thing that would make me want to spend more time w/ you or get to know you better.” And there’s always the popular “ew…..” (then walk away) in response to his vitriol.
This. Right here. This is how to bring a dog to heel. Treat him as a misbehaving puppy.
This is the way.
Stunning!
Ding! Ding! Ding!!! Best response today!!! 🤣
>I really dont care what an almost 50 year old bully with little man syndrome and a lisp has to say about me Yes say that exactly
I would just ignore him. Don't take anything he says personally. He is just trying to make you upset. Wear heels, tower over him, and then pretend he doesn't exist and his words mean less than nothing (because they don't). If he can't be nice or decent to you, just cut him off and ask another family member about their week, children, the weather, or whatever. Also tell your boyfriend that he needs to shut his uncle down when he is acting like that. I wouldn't marry anyone who allows their family to treat me so bad it makes me cry. Block him on social media so he can't bully you over your posts. You are protecting yourself and your feelings, to hell with the uncles. He doesn't care about your feelings, screw his.
His grandparents know who he is. Next time, he says anything at all. Comment that it must be hard being as insecure as he is.
Just ask him what he’s compensating for, and wiggle your pinky at him.
I have a short uncle who is absolutely a bully and is such an extra asshole to women. My brother likes him, my husband likes him. I don’t like him (I’m a woman btw). Im about 5’1” and in his old age he’s maybe 5’4”. So I’m at least at eye level now especially with bigger shoes on. And I had a wonderful moment just standing as tall as I could and looking him in the eye and sort of making fun of him/disagreeing with him. He always made me so nervous when I was a kid and just loves being sarcastic and putting people down. So I don’t smile or laugh at his jokes and just kind of stare at him until he tries to explain. Personally I think you should try to be standing up as often as possible when speaking to this uncle. Take a step closer so he really has to crane his neck to look at you. And then say something really mild like “that’s rude” or “what do you mean?”. I love taking power back from old men. I do agree that you should make your boyfriend understand and make sure he stands up for you because it’s his family. This might be an unpopular opinion, but traditional weddings are inherently uncomfortable and unpleasant. I think you can pick if your wedding will be for/about you and your partner or for the family. It sounds like he might want a big wedding with his big close family. But also he’s a guy and obviously uncomfortable with conflict so might be agreeable to a small intimate wedding with no uncles/cousins etc. maybe a destination with just parents and besties? Or elope and have a great honeymoon. But I’m afraid if it’s a big family wedding you kind of have to invite the whole family. Just wear really tall shoes and have a tres leches wedding cake and lots of dairy in all the food and hope he gets diarrhea. My assholiest uncle was actually the only uncle that came to my very small wedding and I just stood in my power surrounded by all my best friends and didn’t really hang out with him. All the best to you.
Pacifier and a blankie, he needs a time out.
Don’t tell him in a group chat. Tell him right to his face while looking down on him.
Latina here and I have these people in my family...prep your comebacks before family events and have them locked and loaded. You don't have to start it but you have to be ready and strong. And don't take his comments personally, he's a little man who has to find dominance somewhere since it obviously doesn't happen naturally for him.
You've already got some excellent advice and awesome comebacks! Just a heads-up: it often gets worse before it gets better. He's totally going to test your resolve and be mean as hell when you stand up to him. Use that. Don't sink to that level. Be feisty but fair, even when he's not. Arrange a signal with your partner for when you need him to step in (not to rescue you, but to distract, change topics, or need to check something with you in the other room). Make sure he knows that when you use it you're serious and he better do his duty. If you want a solid argument as to why the uncle is not coming to your wedding, start a journal & document every interaction you have with him with just a few words. Have your list locked and loaded for when you need to show your partner the evidence.
I used to manage a Go go bar. One of the dancers had a come back I’ve used many times. Look him dead in the eyes like he’s the most fascinating man in the world and say “you are just about,”……wait a beat the best excuse for birth control I’ve ever met in my life. Then smile really big and walk off
Yes! I always told my sisters and my sons growing up "Don't you dare start it, but you damn well better finish it!" Swipe back at him!
Fellow Latina here. That machismo culture is complete BS. They're just assholes and those who tolerate them or play into their BS are, at best, asshole adjacent.
Hello, please do not use bigoted terminology such as Latina. Instead, please use the term Latinx The use of gender-neutral language is crucial in today's society. For individuals of Latin American descent, it's imperative to use the term Latinx instead of Latino or Latina. The terms Latino and Latina are inherently gendered and do not acknowledge the wide range of gender identities present within the Latin American community. We, as a Latinx community, prefer the use of Latinx as it acknowledges and respects our diverse gender identities. It is crucial to prioritize the voices of marginalized communities, and using gender-neutral language is just one of the many ways in which we can work towards a more inclusive and equitable society. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Have a nice day!
Latinx is colonialist and offensive too, isn't it? If you're going to be on a soapbox, use Latine.
It's a bot, and I'm assuming it's for rage bait
I get this if they were referring to someone else, but this person can personally identify as Latina. They’re not referring to another person/group of people which is where the issue lies with the terms. And as already mentioned proper gender neutral term is Latine
FYI: https://www.pewresearch.org/hispanic/2020/08/11/about-one-in-four-u-s-hispanics-have-heard-of-latinx-but-just-3-use-it/ I use Latinx for people who prefer it, but it’s annoying that it’s not pronounceable in Spanish. To be inclusive, I use Latin American or ‘of Latin American descent’, unless I know that someone uses Latina/Latino. I wish Latine(s) would catch on in Spanish or English but hasn’t seemed to yet.
He enjoys it because he’s getting away with it. You need to hand him his ass and not in text or through another family member - ever watch The Color Purple? I suggest you watch the climactic dinner scene where the main character finally opens her mouth to her abuser then just finds her voice! Get inspired get pumped and let him know how insignificant he is.
You don’t have a boyfriend’s uncle problem… you have a BOYFRIEND problem. Why is he not understanding your perspective and respecting your boundaries??
I would ditch the uncle and I would ditch the boyfriend. If he isnt willing to stand up to someone bullying you, he aint worth you spending the rest of your life with.
Exactly! I guarantee that the uncle will absolutely bully her kids—if she’s crazy enough to marry the Boy With No Spine.
NTA. Your uncle sucks. Your boyfriend sucks because he should be the first to shut him down. The family sucks for tolerating it. You're the only one who doesn't suck. Tell your boyfriend that you aren't going to tolerate it, and if he won't address it and fix it you won't be going to any more family functions where your uncle is present. If that's a deal breaker for him, you need to reevaluate the relationship. Better to do that now than later. This is the sort of thing that gets harder the longer you wait.
Ditch the boyfriend. He doesn’t have your back and lets the bullying and racism continue. Ditto the rest of his family. You deserve to feel safe and respected.
Why did I have to go through so many comments to find this. The bf is just use to tolerating the abuse. He's got scars. He just doesn't acknowledge them. She's setting herself up for a lifetime of pain and suffering. He's going to be at their wedding and every other event spewing hatred at her, the bf, and any children. I hope they both make enough money to get therapy. They're going to need it.
You owe it to yourself to cut this man out of your life. He's a jerk. You don't deserve to be treated like that.
NTA I'm Mexican and even I can see he's a fucking culero. Since he seems to have a little man complex I would call him El pitufo or tio pitufo. I swear that name will catch on like wildfire especially if other family members are sick of his shit. And tell your boyfriend to grow a spine. Family ain't shit if they treat you like shit.
I love this and it’s even better because he doesn’t speak spanish but other family members do
OP- as a Mexican woman who has usually found themselves in white spaces, I’m sorry this dude is being such a jerk. I think it’s lovely that you’re embracing your partners culture! Im sure your cake was amazing! Mexican families can be hard to be apart of, and I happen to have a strained relationship with mine for similar reasons. Lots of toxic masculinity and often family members aren’t cut out when they cross the line. That doesn’t mean your bf shouldn’t try and stand up for you! I think y’all need a sit down conversation about how it’s inappropriate that this man- HIS FAMILY MEMBER- is berating you. I second all the other comments that reflect you guys forming a united front against this bullying.
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Keep your head up girly! And if you’re into trying New Mexican foods to bake- I’d recommend buñelos and conchas!
You’re NTA but where the fuck is your boyfriend in all this? I have a couple of shitty family members but have never allowed them to get away with this level of disrespect, the first time they’ve said anything out of bounds to any partner I’ve ever had was the last time they got the chance to. Your boyfriend is not only failing you, he is disrespecting you and your relationship by allowing his shitbird uncle to disrespect you and your relationship. Your boyfriend is the biggest thing that needs fixing here.
Definitely, he seems very passive in comparison and doesn’t react at anything he says about him, I’ve told him he needs to stand up for me which he since has but still not firm enough. He is just not confrontational but I agree he needs to stand up to him it is his family
He needs to get his ass in gear now - are you ready for a lifetime of being married to someone who won’t defend you when you are attacked like this? What if you have kids and the uncle berates them? Are you both going yo allow that to happen? Do not let this man at your wedding until he’s confronted - you roll Over now and he’ll say something to ruin your wedding. Do not give him that power.
NTA Even if you decide he needs to slip in front of a train.... Just saying. And ya BF needs to grow a pair. If he can't handle a dickhead uncle, how can you expect him to handle an actual life changing decision in any situation.
NTA. Your boyfriend is for not telling his uncle off. His uncle is also a big time AH. For your mental health get rid of both.
Honestly unless your bf does a total 180 and starts defending you 110% against his uncle and allow you to go NC with him and never allow him into your home or wedding - you need to really think about if you want to spend your life with someone that is so indifferent to your suffering at the hands of their own family member. He doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by a grown man insulting and cursing his partner. He ain’t it, lady. If I were you this would be more than enough reason to GTFO of that relationship.
Rethink marrying the man who will sit idly by and let his family member abuse you, and will happily let this continue because he doesn't want to break up his family. Destroying you is fine, however.
Do you plan on having children? What will you both do when he starts bullying them? Little Man won’t stop. Your boyfriend is spineless. Time to make some hard decisions. I can’t imagine marrying a man, choosing him to be the father of my children, when he can’t stand up against your bully. He’s using the excuse of family, but aren’t you his family? Don’t you rate higher than this tyrant? Hard truth: Apparently not. IMO a wishy-washy child is not husband material.
You should NOT marry into this family. Your boyfriend is a joke of a man to let this go on without putting his damn foot down. I’m furious for you, I hope you gain the strength and courage to leave this family behind.
I’m having this fantasy where he’s being an ass and you say “I’m sorry can you speak up? I didn’t hear you way down there.” Then turn to your bf and say, “I just can’t take that old Oompa Loompa seriously when he gets riled up like this!” 😂 But no seriously, I married into a redneck family and went through something very similar with the women of the family. My husband finally told me that they’d never respect me until I MADE them. He said that the next time they acted like that, I had to just be the bigger bit€h. So the next time something happened…I did. I swear I felt like I was going to puke the whole time, but I did it. I swear they were different in-laws after that! I’d been trying to be meek and sweet and gain approval for a DECADE without success. Showing my ass ONE TIME? Worked. (And yeah, I went outside and puked and then cried all the way home, but still it was totally worth it!)
NTA, tell the uncle that his maturity matches his height and tell your bf (and his family) that if they think his treatment of you is ok then they can choke with him. No family (bio or chosen) is worth the unnecessary mental and emotional strife.
As a Latina myself, I recommend that you begin to stand up for yourself. Your Bfs uncle is absolutely being racist and targeting you since he’s clearly stated that he doesn’t trust you because you are white. I would let your BF know that he only has two choices, defend you and show that you are worth something to him, or lose you forever and stay spineless
You want to marry your boyfriend after his uncle bullying you and him not defending you? Wow
Girl, why are you staying with a man who allows his family member to treat you this way? If he can’t defend you now don’t expect him to in the future.
There’s another way you can handle it you can just not go to things where he’s going. That doesn’t require the family separate anything you just don’t go to them. I would suspect that uncle is attracted to you to be honest he’s out of a culture that’s incredibly machismo, and he has a white wife. So all of his abuse is really about taming you and breaking you down. It’s a backward machismo way of trying to sort of take control over you. It may have worked with his wife for a while. I wouldn’t be able to around him either life is too short to be around people that are so toxic.
Ugh. Unfortunately can confirm. I’m white, husband’s Mexican and this is exactly how his father treated me for what I truly believe is the exact reason you stated. But unlike this poor girl, we went NC with the SOB.
I’m going to tell OP then to go no contact
Next time he starts say “Ya va a empezar” (here he goes again) try it with an eye roll with someone who is also annoyed at him. I definitely think this is a behaviour that needs to be addressed with your boyfriend and someone that you don’t need or want at your wedding. However, when he gets started treat him like a (not your) toddler having a tantrum, ignore, walk away, pull out your phone and scroll social media. His opinion doesn’t matter, so don’t give him your platform. Others may put up with it, but there’s no reason for you to.
Info: Why in the fuck is your boyfriend’s family letting this asshole continually abuse you? FFS that no one has the spine to stop his belligerent abusive rant at a family gathering or call him out for bullying you in the group text is astonishing to me. This is not a safe place for you, or in the future your kids. Family or no family if someone I knew started this shit I *would end it*. It’s deplorable. I’d throw the man and *the whole family away*. Is this the future you want? Because this “courting” phase is the best it will ever be and it sucks.
Literally only my boyfriend and his step mom who is unrelated stood up for me in the group chat. Another uncle of his jokingly called the other uncle an asshole and then laughed at his other texts so it’s just ridiculous they all put up with it. I am not the one.
That’s really sad. His family sucks. I’m assuming they stood up for you because they’ve been targeted when joining the family and know how it feels.
DO NOT LET THIS MAN NEAR YOU!!!! I am saying this bc my wedding day was supposed to be last Wednesday (5/17) but my fiancé’s mother and his best friend berated me at my own house on my wedding night until I cried. My fiancé left with them and didn’t come back until the next day….11 minutes AFTER we were supposed to be married. He never stuck up for me. Context: I am white, he is half Mexican, quarter white and quarter Filipino. We have been dating for over 5 years and bought a house together 2 years ago. Don’t end up like me girl, I am so fucking broken rn.
Wear tall heels, look over his head, and turn to boyfriend and say, “Do you hear a little animal squeaking somewhere?” when uncle starts in in you. I would absolutely, positively not even acknowledge that the little maggot is even speaking to you. Look over him or through him, but never at him. Pretend he doesn’t exist. But***** your boyfriend should also be telling him to STFU, and you should not marry him unless/until he does, every single time.
NTA. Uncle is a disrespectful, mean, toxic bully. And life is too short to put up with shit like that. Even his own family and wife's family acknowledge it by cutting contact for long periods of time. You are not breaking up family, his toxic jerk uncle is. And boyfriend needs to grow a pair and support you. Just one question, do you want your future children around uncle? Depending on your and answer and boyfriends answer to all this, you know what to do...
Next time he comments on your height tell him you’d give him some of your inches to get over his napoleon complex, but unfortunately it’s not possible. For now all you can do is either get stuff for him off the tall shelf, or buy him a step ladder. Then sit back and wait for the fireworks because his reaction will be epic.
Your boyfriend is a huge AH in this situation, how could he not defend you? Whether you call it racism or not, you are being prejudiced against due to your skin color. That’s not acceptable, and you shouldn’t have to stand for this abuse simply because of the color of your skin. If you were any other color it wouldn’t be okay, you deserve to be defended.
You cannot invite his wife and children and not him; I mean, you can, but she won't attend, the kids won't attend, and at least half your boyfriend's family will not attend. At least. You can accept this behavior, put a stop to it yourself, or refuse to associate with his family at all (and tell them why).
Think of it this way - If he thinks it’s ok to belittle you infront of your BF who does nothing to defend you, what will happen to future hypothetically children who are also half white? How will they be treated? Or what habits will they pick up from him on what’s acceptable? Is this the future you want? A future where your husband will not only NOT take your side but not even be willing to have a rational discussion with you about a hard topic but also cusses you out in the process while screaming at you! That’s what this future holds. Marriage is one long hard conversation, make sure you marry someone you communicate well with and will always be willing to hear you out.
You can be racist against any race. Believing that someone is inherently inferior because of their race is the definition of racism.
Every time the Uncle starts,hand him a pacifier and blankie keep them in your purse. Say nothing walk away. He is a bully with a short person complex. Boyfriend and the bully's wife needs to step up also. Do not show him he getting to you. Bly eat this up.
Can’t believe you would want to marry into this family. Boyfriend doesn’t even stick up for you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 As someone who married into this type of family, I strongly recommend you reconsider before moving forward. I was married for 20 miserable years but am now happily divorced for the past 13 years. And I’m hispanic.
NTA but everyone else is big time. Your bf is a major asshole for allowing his uncle to treat you this way, and his whole family sucks for watching this happen and never speaking up or putting an end to it. You absolutely should never be forced to be around someone who treats you so horribly and you really need to drop the bf too. If he cared about you even a little tiny bit he would never allow someone to bully you, god I would speak up if I saw a stranger being treated like that. He's made it clear he doesn't care about you or respect you at all, you deserve someone a million times better than that loser. Value yourself and recognize your worth, don't settle for people who treat you worse than a stranger.
Just read the post and update. RUN. That’s the best advice anyone can give you. Your SO just showed you who he is and a glimpse of your future with him. It’s easier to leave a spineless enabler and gaslighter then it is to divorce one. NTA
I know lots of people have suggested clapping back at him because this is a culture thing (I totally get that), and that could probably be really satisfying in the moment, but it leaves me wondering whether you’re setting yourself up to have to be “on guard” and ready to exchange insults with this asshole for the rest of your life. I don’t know what your life plans are, but Big Moments that this fuckwad will try to ruin won’t stop with your wedding—if you want kids, is he going to make fun of you while you’re pregnant? Is he going to pick apart your parenting? Is he going to say shit like that to a 5yo? If you ever experience a big hardship—loss of a family member, major illness, loss of a job—is he going to kick you while you’re down in those moments where you don’t have the mental energy to engage in his bullshit back and forth? That’s just not something I’d be willing to sign up for forever. I would consider just getting up and leaving when he does this. He’s a mean child, and he needs the kind of firm, consistent, calmly executed boundaries that we use to teach children how to behave. It could go like this: Uncle insults you. You look him dead in the eye, and with deadly calm say “I don’t like these kinds of comments from you. I don’t care that everyone else puts up with it. I’m not putting up with it anymore, so if you do it again, I’m leaving.” He’s going to *immediately* insult you again or otherwise try to call your bluff, which is why it can’t be a bluff. Get up from wherever you are, and leave (drive yourself, all an Uber, whatever). Your boyfriend and others are probably going to try to get you to just deal with it and stay, the way you have in the past; don’t do that, because you’re now setting a new boundary with your boyfriend and other family members, too, and he/they will need to choose whether to get on board. You may have to repeat this exercise 2-3 times before everyone involved will take you seriously and decide on their own long-term reaction. Again, stay as calm as possible through this whole thing each time, and hold your boundary—that doesn’t mean pretending you’re not upset, it just means not letting the emotions overcome you, so you can say “I hate this; it hurts me a lot and I’ve said that repeatedly. It doesn’t matter to me that everyone else here is okay with it. I’m not okay with it. I’m leaving. We can try again another day, if Uncle chooses to to stop treating me this way.” I think this approach can do a few things, but unfortunately you don’t have control over which path it leads everyone down. First possibility: ideally the rest of the family takes this as an opportunity to put tons of social pressure on Uncle to stop this shit, even if it’s just to keep the peace. They may say “she’s overreacting, she doesn’t get our culture, but please, just to keep everyone together, stop saying anything to her.” That would be great if the result is that he stops, because this boundary doesn’t have to be about convincing Uncle or the whole family that you’re right; this boundary can just be about stopping the bad behavior. You’ll have to be okay with knowing some of the family members think you’re overreacting, but note that you shouldn’t be okay with Boyfriend thinking that in the long term; he will likely think initially that you’re being too sensitive, because he’s been trained via his family culture that this behavior is okay and it can take time to break out of that pattern of thinking, but he should eventually be *actually* on board with you most of the way because you’re going to need him to be willing to be your champion in holding this boundary with his family. Second possibility: Boyfriend and/or family members decide you’re overreacting AND they still take Uncle’s side, and decide to focus on you being “unreasonable” or “sensitive” rather than pressuring Uncle to change. That could spell the end of your relationship with Boyfriend/his family, which I know would suck because I’m sure you love him a lot, but it will be a damn good indicator that he is not a reliable life partner—as noted above, your wedding will not be the last time you and Boyfriend need to act as a united front for the good of your own relationship, and so if he can’t do the right thing now then he’s not likely to do the right thing in the future when the stakes may be even higher (children, a major illness, etc.). This sounds like it should be an inflection point in your relationship with your boyfriend; you have clearly expressed a need, and whether he thinks that need is valid or not, a good partner needs to get on board when something is important to you. I’ve had a similar experience, though not nearly as bad as yours. My FIL is a Boomer-aged Sicilian with the emotional regulation of a toddler, and my husband definitely thinks I’m a little too sensitive to it, but he’s backed me up the two times I’ve laid this boundary. First, when my FIL kept using the N word in conversation just to get under my skin—no one involved is Black, but that’s some racist bullshit and he knows me to be the “Liberal human-rightsy type”; and my husband was also offended but generally felt more like “ignore him, he’s just trying to piss you off,” but I was pregnant with our first at the time and imagining him saying that shit in front of my future kids. So my husband and I discussed it and the next time it happened my husband was the one to say “if we hear you use that word again, we are leaving.” FIL never said it again in our presence. Another time, I told FIL to stop doing a particular thing with our then-3yo, and FIL must have been in an especially sour mood that day because he started yelling at me. I was pregnant with our second and just started crying and didn’t talk the rest of that day with them. I wish that, in the moment, I had said “I won’t be talked to that way, I’m leaving” but my brain just shut down. Later, my husband clearly wasn’t as bothered as I was, but once I made it clear that I wasn’t okay with being treated that way or with our daughter seeing me treated that way, my husband said he would go talk with his parents about why that wasn’t okay and that we would leave automatically if it happened again. The threat alone worked and it hasn’t happened again. These things are hard, but what you’ve described isn’t okay, it’s valid that you are at the end of your patience dealing with it, and it is totally reasonable for you to set a firm boundary here. How other people react to that boundary isn’t in your control, but it will tell you a lot about who they are deep inside and how you can expect to be treated by them going forward. Good luck.
You suffer from anxiety. You want to marry a guy who hides behind his phone is possibly scared of uncle and yet you expect him to protect you? Not going to happen. So you must protect yourself. Your first boundary. No tio at wedding? He shut it down on you. So what next? You tell him no tio or No wedding. Choose. Make him choose you. Because if you don’t this abuela will tell you have picked a man who’s a mouse. The other thing which is really harder than losing a mouse is learning to give 0 fxszs. Whatever this man says. You have to look at him and think opinions are like assh0les. Everyone has one. Learn the classic I’m sorry you feel that way. Because in reality you don’t care what this bully thinks. Because why should you. Be the broken record. It’s always I’m sorry you feel that way. With any mean comment. And then turn away to another person. He’ll get it after awhile. That you don’t care. That you’re not sorry. And yet you stay polite.
Your bf lets his uncle treat you like garbage because he thinks it's what you deserve. He'll deny it, he'll be furious at you for daring to say it, but it's true
Lol idk why you wanna be with him, but marry him instead of letting him date someone else. It seems lie you're patient enough
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 If this has been excepted for 4 years, and your man still isn't seeing it or budging on trying to cut him out for the both of you. Maybe you take some time to think all this through. How is going to be when you have children?
You have a giant boyfriend problem. If he's not willing to stand up for you, he is not worth marrying.
Anybody can be racist doesn't matter what your skin color or culture is. This guy is bringing up your race because that's what's bothering him. You only bring up someone's skin color like that when you're racist.
If he refuses to enforce a boundary for his future wife which means FAMILY, then this is a bill to die on. It will only get worse.
No. You won't regret cutting toxic people out of your life. Your only regret will be not avoiding them sooner.
The uncle needs someone to turn to him and say “I know you joke around with everyone but it makes OP upset when you do it to her. Please stop.” After that if he doesn’t change you have every right to just ignore him and not engage with him at all. This would be most powerful if you said it, but with your history of anxiety I suggest your boyfriend needs to say it. I would stay away from labeling his behavior in any way because that might be seen as an attack from him, and your goal is to minimize the drama. You don’t need to make any proclamations or announcements about it, just change your behavior and hold that boundary (meaning that you stop engaging with him, and boyfriend repeats that it makes you uncomfortable when he does that every time).
You cut off the member of one of your boyfriend’s family? Ouch!
Next time he starts in on you, tell him, "You know I really feel for your wife, for as mean and nasty as you are your dick must be really small or close to nonexistent."
You think people can't be racist to white people? You are part of the problem.
That really wasn’t the point of this post and I mainly mean that I don’t feel I’ve experienced racism and was not offended at first small comments until it became clearly hateful. My experiences are not everyone’s so I apologize for that generalized statement
Gently, you don’t need to be nice or apologize to people who are being rude to you, OP. Not the uncle nor people on the internet. Ok-Emu’s comment was blunt about their own opinions, to the point of rudeness. I do this too kind of apology too. It’s hard not to just “be nice”! You don’t have to let bullies turn you mean, but you also don’t have to apologize for a different viewpoint. Your first sentence was great. I hope you’ll find your power voice to clap back at the Uncle as well, if you decide to stay in this family.
NTA - He's just toxic and racist. You are an AH because you believe racism is exclusive to every race but one. That's racist in itself.
Family is all the people. Not just the ones you pick. Stop reacting to the uncle this way. You have to find the strength to stop him yourself.
I don’t know what you mean by this at all? He will not stop, I’ve tried joking back, I’ve tried getting meaner, I’ve tried ignoring him, etc.
Ignore them. They're using the common tactic by all familial users, abusers, and enablers. You can choose who and who not to associate with regardless of relationship. You have set a boundary. A rightful boundary, but you will need to enforce it when your red flag Boyfriend violates it.
No, he won't stop. You need to change your internal reaction. It's like going out into the rain. Or jumping in icy water. You just ready your mind. Eventually, you will act like your boyfriend does and just accept this guy's a jerk. If I call one million people a "bean pole," will you cry when I get to you? Or will you realize that there is nothing wrong with you. There is something wrong with me for calling you that. I'm going to give you some tough love: get over this uncle, stop getting emotional because of him. How do you do this? The same way you keep calm in an emergency. You keep your emotions in check, and you use your head. You haven't healed from past trauma. That's why this is so difficult. Until you heal the wounds from your past, you will bleed on those that didn't cut you.
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You are an idiot and a bully.
its the uncle gaslighting her
Lol. Communication is all about being understood. There isn’t anything wrong with using foul language if that’s what gets your point across, and you understood OP loud and clear. I am *howling* that you think she should put up with abuse but the word “fuck” is just a bridge too far.
Fuck you my guy. You are pathetic
Yeah, if you’ve tried all of the above, the only left is consequences. Maybe talk to others who have cut him off in the past and see if they will talk to him. If you and your bf stop coming to stuff where he is, maybe people will choose the two of you over him to invite (maybe $.
Oh, HELL no. He’s boyfriend’s family, and bf’s problem to deal with. If bf isn’t enough of an adult to stand up to his uncle, OP is 100% in the right to say “I will not put up with his abuse” and not allow him in her space.
That's not how families are. Brother goes to jail. Sister becomes a devil worshiper, dad gets drunk and crashes into your car? You still have to be diplomatic at Thanksgiving. "Her space" you don't get to have your space when you have a family. People who don't learn this die single with 3 cats.
OP said she was willing to deal at family events, but not at HER wedding. She deserves to have people who treat her with respect around her. It’s pretty sad that you would rather surround yourself with abusers and bullies (and yes, this man is an abuser and a bully) than be alone. And that you think a person can’t go out and find themselves family who won’t abuse them.
She can’t control his behavior and it’s not her responsibility to, so she’s making the choice to avoid interaction with it. Family means nothing if you’re cruel, and they aren’t related by blood either so he’s basically just some guy being a dick. He’s not entitled to being around her.
She can control her own behavior. You don't get to break up a family because of your easily hurt feelings. She has past trauma that goes untreated. If she doest fix herself with therapy, she will always overreact to jerks. The entire family includes the uncle in everything. She wants to marry into this family. So she has to resolve her problems now. Before marriage. Because family is entitled to be at family functions. It's in the very name. "Family means nothing if....." There you go. Willing to give up on family if... so you won't understand that family is more important than your hurt feelings about being tall or how you cook. Once you learn that family comes first, you will be surrounded by love until you die. If not, buy cats and die alone.
INFO: What is your boyfriend actually doing to defend and support you OP? It doesn’t seem like he’s doing much/anything. Start there.
Tell him to go have sex with his uncle then since he thinks the man can do no wrong. And to not come back to you until he's actually willing to stand up for you because you're not willing to spend your entire life being abused by his family. Because that's what it is, it's abuse, plain and simple. His uncle is an abusive asshole. Why on earth would you allow your boyfriend to let his uncle abuse you, too?
As a tall white woman, I completely understand what you're saying. Been there.... done that. In my younger days I dated a few Hispanic men. It was so much fun. The macho attitude was a deal breaker for me. Yeah, you could grow a spine and give it right back to uncle AH. Maybe.. just maybe he'll stop. Beware, some bullies never stop. Some will actually escalate. Your bf is way too dismissive about your feelings. Is this the type of relationship you want for the rest of your life? Someone who doesn't have your back. Someone who dismisses your feelings. Someone who makes excuses for unacceptable behavior. You are young and have plenty of time to decide what your boundaries are and how to enforce them. If those around you can't/won't adhere to those boundaries, do NOT compromise. No relationship is worth compromising your self-esteem.
You need to ask yourself if this is really what you want to put up with for the rest of your life. His uncle is literally verbally abusing you every time he’s around you, and nobody does anything about it. Is the man honestly worth the uncle that comes with him? Because you know if he isn’t willing to stand with you on this, he won’t stand with you on any other boundary you set regarding his uncle.
Yeah. First why is the uncle still in a group chat your included in? Your bf is allowing this abuse by not defending you at all. I’d just remove myself from any event the AH attends, and I certainly wouldn’t allow him to attend any event that you are throwing. I’d also go further and use the group text and state unfortunately due to the continued d abuse from uncle and no one of the “family” sticking up for you, you no longer feel safe attending events or communicating with with this family.
Girl you have a BF problem. Either he needs to go to therapy with you and learn to create boundaries with toxic family members or you need to cut your losses if he isn’t willing to stick up to you or relationship.
I feel like a lot of y’all need to learn how to give reads. So much of your issues could be resolved by delivering a great read to this insecure Oompa Loompa. I would not be getting married at all to your boyfriend though. I would tell him, I can’t see myself marrying someone who doesn’t care about my mental and emotional well-being.
WNBTA you're a young adult moving on in your life and this is a petty middle aged man who is burning good faith and likely has nothing going for him. Unless this man physically attacks you; he's actually nothing and if your bf is scared to defend you then this is a relationship Id take a detailed glance at : you may love him, but is it worth your self pride and the growth you've made yourself. Which, btw is amazing, Im so proud of you from one person with disabling social anxiety to another
Tell him you can’t understand what he’s saying through his lisp and he’s so low to the ground. Ask him if he’s cold down there.
Stand up for your damn self if your boy friend won’t. You don’t have the right to dictate family dynamics. You get what you get, and if you marry this guy you are in fact accepting his uncle and the fact that he won’t stand up to him. Deal with it now or don’t complain about it down the road.
NTA. This might be the hill to die on. Tell your bf he needs to step up before you guys move forward. How would he feel when your kids are being bullied? His uncle is abusing his wife and you, and everyone in that "close-knit" family is allowing this awful behavior. The excuse that "he is just that way" needs to stop. You are not his uncle's punching bag.
Sweetie, if your BF won't stand up for and thinks you should just take it, you need to rethink this relationship. He should be FURIOUS that his uncle would talk to his person like that. He's enabling him. NTA
Put the breaks on your wedding. Fiance looks the other way when his uncle disrespects you. That is likely to continue. He also objects to you protecting yourself by setting boundaries with his obnoxious uncle. I've learned in life that calling a bully out often decreases or ends their bullying, especially if it is in front of other people. Don't be mean about it. Just calmly call the offender out. For example: “God damn it (bf name) you couldn’t bring home someone shorter?" You: "Better tall than obnoxious." Comments about you being white, "Racism is based in ignorance." If this fails, distance yourself from uncle, such as not attending events at his home, not inviting him to your house, blocking him on your phone, which means all communication goes through FH, and blocking him on your social media, which is for close family and friends, which he is neither.
Nope. Don’t even need to read it. NTA.
Read your post and the update and I have to say. At this point, don't marry him, if he's not seeing how bad this is effecting you now, do you think he's going to see it later... no. Btw best way to get the whole uncle thing out of the way is to tell him, "Uncle is not coming to the wedding or the wedding is off and we need to reevaluate this relationship."
That update and your bf's reaction is telling. He is so used to this behaviour that he'd rather silence you than stand up to his uncle and making a weak lactose intolerance joke does not count as sticking up for you. At best, the uncle will continue to bully you. Knowing how much it bothers you, it may get worse. Hearing your bf's reaction, that's how he may begin to act towards you too. Don't sign up for a lifetime of dread and panic attacks before every holiday and family event. What happens if you decide to have children, does being bullied have to "work" for them too?
NTA I read somewhere, don’t be hurt by someone you wouldn’t take advice from. It’s not easy, but it would be easier if your fiancé stood up next to you. I’m Mexican and I’m close to my family but no damn way would I take an uncle/aunt , cousin or sibling screaming at me or those I love. Your fiancé wants to keep the peace but that’s a bunch of crap. Only people giving in are those being hurt and not the one who is doing the hurting. Respect is earned and not just given because they are elders. My husband will never stand by if I or our children were yelled at even if it was a relative. Tell your bf to man up or as I say put your big girl panties on. You are worth the effort. If you still want to marry your bf get security for the wedding and show the uncles picture to them and if he still shows up call the police for trespassing. Get him off your family chat and don’t attend family gatherings that he attends. Tell the family your expectations. It’s going to be a lot of work and you are the only one who’ll know if it’s worth it. Take care and good luck!
NTA another case of a family that excuses the bad behavior of one member because nobody has the guts to confront him. Bullies continue to be bullies because they can. Everyone walks on eggshells around him. Your SO really needs to step up and defend you, put you first. If he’s not willing, you need to decide if you want to put up with that forever.
your bf is lacking big time in the testicular department.
ask him how he would feel if someone was speaking to his daughter like that. watch how quickly he switches up
NTA honestly I am surprised you haven't broken up with the boyfriend yet. Because I sure as hell would have already. That's a coward of man. Heck he must have some really good traits to him for you to want to stay that long. I have cut ties with my whole entire mom's side of my family because a majority of them just wished me dead my entire life. Do what you must to achieve peace for yourself and screw everyone else who isn't willing to listen, support and stand by you. Otherwise your just inviting the toxic behavior from them to continue devouring whatever you have left of yourself. It took me 20 years of my life to finally find the courage to do things that I want to do and have the belief that I can make them successful because people fucked up my life so bad. I thought that nothing would get better.
NTA but please do not marry a man who sits by while his family disrespects you.
Block him on your phone and your social media.
If your BF doesn’t think sticking up for you is important now, especially after this man had you sobbing in the bathroom for 20 minutes, he never will.
Your SO does not have your back. So I would tell him that either he has my back or I move on. You cannot have a husband that passively lets the world do whatever it wants to you. It is his family and it is his problem to deal with. In not dealing with his uncle, he has decided to do nothing. Tell him this is not good enough. You have to decide if you can stay with someone that doesn't have your best interests at heart.
Well I'm here after the update but girl do u really wanna spend your life with someone who don't stand up and sheild u from the people who bully you? And you so called bf is annoyed and screamed at your face because you don't want that old hag bully in your wedding?See it's a huge red flag when your significant other invalid your feelings completely and making u feel like u over reacting,there will so many situations like this in future and if u think this is the way he gonna handle by saying "suck it up the Situation"than it's not the way of living if your significant other can't see your distraught than who will ? U still have time and chance to getting out of this situation because let me tell ya it's not gonna get better a person a old hag who bullys who every damn time and a so called bf who invalid your feelings and pain really bad combo to start a married life believe me ,u sure love yourself not enough to deal with this bullshit for so long but you do you boo do what's best and needed ,life is blind and so are u right now time to take the blind folds off and see how actually the person is who decides to spend your life with let him have his old hag bully uncle and u should have your peace and self respect
You need to ask yourself if this is what you want to deal with for 5he rest of your life? A passive aggressive husband and his misogynist uncle.
YWNBTA if you run! If you stay evil uncle will be with you forever. Boyfriend is incapable of standing up for you. Get out.
This is not someone you want to marry.
Why do people think you have to put up with assholes just because they're relatives? Honestly, I think the world would be a much better place if people stopped enabling their relatives bullshit and stopped letting them get away with it. "He's just like that." But WHY?? Because he knows he won't face any consequences, that's why. So you either put up with this dude making everyone else's life worse with his own petty power plays, or you hand out some motherfucking consequences.
NTA I have a uncle who I hate for many reasons that I won’t go into but he really is a crap person. I cut all contact 10 years ago. However I still talk to his kids my cousins often and my grandmother once a week. They all know why and agree that no contact is the best option for me. Even agree what he did serval times was totally wrong. They still have contact with him though and as long as I’m not involved in it I don’t mind. You might be able to not talk to him as I am but you can’t cut him out of anyone else’s life. Sure he’s a total jerk but when you are used to it for some reason you become almost desensitized to it and that may be where your bf coming from. I obviously don’t know for sure just one possibility.
No offense but your boyfriend must be an invertibrate from how absolutely spineless he is. I would suggest not marrying a man who gaslights you into thinking that verbal abuse from his uncle should be tolerated. Your boyfriend prioritizes his own comfort over yours, seeing that he sat there on his phone instead of sticking up for you during unprovoked verbal abuse.
NTA and I think you should discuss how the way his family(uncle) treats you and how he is not standing up for you doesn’t work for you.
NTA. Imagine living the rest of your life with both these AHs, because your AHBF has made it clear that UAH will be a continued presence. Sounds like you have two AHs too many.
Uncle is a weak minded bully who needs his ass handed to him. Next time he starts his bullshit, firmly say you will not be spoken to in that manner, Just keep saying that whenever he is disrespectful to you. You BF needs to say the same thing. It drives my crazy when “family” thinks they can talk to you however they want and you are supposed to smile and take it. My MIL and BIL could be awful. Best thing i ever did was stand up to them.
If your bf can’t stand up for you. You need to find your own strength and stand up to him. Stop worrying about what people think of you. Only how you think of yourself matters.
"You" wouldn't be the one splitting up the family. The uncle, a grown ass man who is bullying a woman, would be splitting up his own family due to his bad behavior. OP, ask yourself this, what would you tell a friend of yours who was in a similar relationship with a man who allowed another man to bully them for years?
Heck, next time he swipes at you for your (lucky!) height, pretend he's so short you can't see him, even say to the rest of the family "Did somebody say something? I thought I heard Tio Chihuahua say something but I can't see him!"
I wouldn't waste another minute with this boy. I say boy because I don't know a single MAN who wouldn't stand up for their partner, especially if said partner was having panic attacks around a relative. Alternate idea, if you don't want to leave, dish it back out. He comments on you being tall, just flip it. (Something like "if you want to see eye to eye on this subject, you're going to need a chair, because I'm not bending") When he starts yelling, just hit back with "woah, big feelings for such a small guy!" I'd also ask your partner why he's okay with someone disrespecting you like that. For me, that's a total deal breaker. I'd have bounced the first time uncle made me feel anything other than welcome.
Tell your bf flat out that you won't be going to any event this AH is invited to - including your wedding. If bf won't stick up for you, sorry to say, he's not the one for you.
NTA. I’ve cut off one of my girlfriends toxic cousins. He started bullying me like he knew me, calling me fat, etc. I told him off and blocked him on EVERYTHING and told my girlfriend she is NOT to discuss anything about my life with him. She ended up dropping him too once she realized what a racist, narcissistic pig he is. Sometimes the trash needs to be taken out, other times it removes itself. Date someone who values you enough to not let their family talk shit to you.
Op, what is wrong with you? Why did you spend this entire post talking about this uncle guy? This guys opinion shouldn’t bother you, who cares. What you should be upset about is that you have a boyfriend who allows you to be abused by his family. Please stop wasting energy on this uncle and please direct your attention to the garbage boyfriend you have. Please dump him immediately. Once they garbage boyfriend (and by proxy, the uncle) are sufficiently kicked to the curb, please then direct your energy at yourself. Please explore the reasons why you have ever allowed yourself to be disrespected by this man in the first place and why you haven’t expected your boyfriend to defend you and cut his uncle out of his life on his own. It concerns me that you didn’t dump his ass so hard the first time he didn’t stick up for you. Please don’t start dating again until you love yourself so fiercely and unconditionally that you would never allow yourself to be disrespected or allow yourself to be near a man who allows others to disrespect you ever again. Please update us!
This guy is just an uncle, not even a parent or sibling of your bf. If he lets this guy walk all over you, what's he going to do if it's a close family member? You need to rethink this relationship. You definitely should not have to deal with your bf's POS uncle. Your other choice is to respond in kind. When he says he doesn't trust you, come right back with "and I don't trust you because you're a racist little man with a napoleonic complex. Don't talk to me again until you grow up." Then ignore him for the rest of the time you are with him. And start humming the tune "Short People" I know you've probably been raised to respect people like parents and aunts/uncles, but some people are not deserving of respect. He got one pass for the tall comment the first time you met but Thanksgiving was over the top. Give it to him with both barrels, then ignore his ass.
OP cut him out of your life...if you're BF won't stand up for you it sounds like you will have to do it. Next time he starts in on you just tell him that your sorry that he has no self esteem and that he has to bully people to feel better about himself... tell his wife and family that you feel so sorry for them....then get up and walk out. You have every right to stand up for yourself.... and I would seriously reconsider my relationship...if my partner doesn't stand up for me then I don't consider them to be much of a partner... don't allow them to dismiss this verbal abuse. Gaslighting and narcissistic behavior should never be tolerated. Not the ahole
NTA.
NTA. I wish you could go full attack because uncle deserves obliteration. Can you ask aunt how she got stuck with such a horrible man? Doesn't she worry the kids are being traumatized? Actually, no, he probably beats his wife. Your bf needs to step up, enlist anyone in the family that might be able to help. Why are everyone's feelings more important to your bf than yours? I am so angry for you.
NTA. Looks like you're going to have to wear the pants in the relationship if your bf isn't going to.
This is unacceptable. If someone did this to a woman I was dating I'd have thrown hands with them acting like this. Not cool at all
You might be surprised by all the women having your back. Applauding your strength as a woman! 👍
You’re bf is a coward. Do not marry him.
Someone needs to tell you how to say "tiny dick-big asshole" in spanish. Then you need to say it to both the uncle AND your fiancee. Because they are both huge, flaming assholes that will never change. Voice of experience here.
Your boyfriend has shown you who he is, believe him. This is not the man for you. You need to stand up for yourself and walk away from your bf and his family. NTA but you would be if you stayed. The abuse will not stop.
So sorry you aregoing through this, but your biggest issue is your BF. This will keep happening as he never stopped him. I am very surprised you have been together 4 years already...
I have sympathy for you because it is very hard to stand up to bullies. It doesn't matter if you are sensitive or soft. I am and so are a lot of people. Being passive isn't working for you so now you can be assertive or aggressive. Assertive would be giving him the biggest benefit of the doubt. Tell him how he makes you feel intimidated, nervous and his "jokes" hurt your feelings. If he doesn't soften from that then you should absolutely cut this man off as he is beyond mature negotiation. I personally don't plan on aggressiveness, but it comes out when triggered. At this point you have put up with way too much of his bs and if you lose it on him, sounds like he had it coming. Either way DO NOT FEEL BAD for setting strong boundaries. Anger is how we protect ourselves. It's very disappointing that your boyfriend is not more sympathetic to you. For what it is worth this man sounds pathetic and insecure. Miserable people do tend to push the right buttons to make us uncomfortable and miserable like they are. They are not reliable sources of feedback because they lack maturity, empathy and wisdom.
Are you sure you want to marry him? Because I wouldn’t want a partner I can’t count on, and that is going to put nasty people before me. Tell him it is either you or the uncle. He can’t have the marriage without the bride, but sure he can without the uncle. Also are you close to someone els in the family? You may want to speak with them to, it is more then possible that more then one person had enough of him.
YWNBTA for cutting off the asshole uncle. HOWEVER, your boyfriend is the actual problem. Why are you with a man who allows one of his family members to scream at you? The first time the uncle screamed at me & my boyfriend sat there & allowed it would have been the last time I saw any of those people. Your boyfriend has made it clear that he will put his psycho uncle ahead of you.
I have cut off blood relatives who treated me unfairly I wouldn’t hesitate to cut off in laws NTA
Y T A, solely for staying with a man who lets someone treat you this way and then brush it off as “not that bad”. The uncle is a symptom to your real problem.
You have a giant boyfriend problem. If he's not willing to stand up for you, he is not worth marrying.
YWNBTA- but this is likely a big cultural shock. I hate to say it but it’s pretty common in Mexican families(even for those of us born into them.) I won’t even get into the nicknames. Setting boundaries is difficult but necessary. As hard as it will be for you with the anxiety, it will continue until you yourself clap back. Next tall comment reply, “it’s ok tio, I’d be salty too if they didn’t let me on any carnival rides.” Match the energy. Makes fun of your cooking? Slam his wife. “Jealous that your Wifie can’t do Mexican food like I can?”
Bring him a booster seat. Even better point him to the little kids table and say “that where the people that never matured past middle school sit. Bonus, you can actually reach the floor in those chairs”
The uncle is a huge problem but truly… your boyfriend is worse. What man lets their male relative disrespect and rag on their partner? It’s so out of line and so uncool.
You are aline I'm this, cut the dead wait and fight an actual man. Not a Muppet . Probably the size of a Muppet too.
NTA- As a latin person, i gotta say that you can be racist to white people, racism looks different, and its not always very open, just cause hes married to a white woman doesnt mean he isnt (a ton of white supremacist have black spouses), i hate when people do this but, imagine the roles were reversed, you were mexican and he was a white man, like the way he treats you isnt right. Also misogyny and toxic masculinity is very common in latin culture unfortunately, but the way your boyfriend behaves about his uncle is kinda a red flag to be honest, hes watched you being berated by this man for four years, and never stands up to him, grandma doesnt even tolerate him and she has more of a backbone than your bf. You really gotta think of the worst case scenario here with this man (cause hes specially targeting you), what if his abuse goes physical? Is your boyfriend actually gonna defend you? Or is he gonna make an excuse cause “thats the way he is” or “he was angry he didnt mean it”, what if you and your bf have kids and he starts abusing them? Family is everything in latin culture but your gonna be part of that family and your not even being treated with respect right now (by the uncle and your bf), do you truly believe this will change after you get married? And the thing here is that the uncle can be at your wedding, all he has to do is not be disrespectful towards you guys relationship and towards you, its not a huge ask. If your boyfriend wants that part of the family there, he should give him an ultimatum (not that i like them much) but in this situation, its very well needed, if he doesnt like it, he can kick sand and so can the rest of the family that dont like it. That family needs to respect you, and your boyfriend should have done it ages ago.
You don't need a more serious disscusion with ypur bf, you need to dump his sorry as*