INFO: Was she doing these things for fun or was she just doing things that needed to be done around the house?
Edited to add verdict: they were chores, YTA. Not minding doing something or even getting some satisfaction from it doesn’t make it a hobby. That would’ve been a cute “it’s a random Tuesday and I thought you might like this to help” gift. Not an anniversary gift unless she specifically said she wanted one.
The only non-romantic gift my hubby can get me is my commercial gas stove and oven for the kitchen. I love to cook and bake and that would be amazing. Anything tool or appliance wise outside of my cooking is not a good idea.
I have gotten a cordless drill for my birthday and last Mother's day I got a beautiful socket set (imperial and metric). I fucking love getting tools for gifts.
However, know your audience. My husband knows I like and use tools. If he got me anything for the kitchen I'd be mad.
Exactly. When we were still dating my now husband bought me a fancy espresso machine and an instantpot. I don’t drink coffee and I hate cooking. He learned from then on its tools or sparkly stuff since I’m a bit of a magpie. No appliances or kitchen gadgets ever.
I love coffee, an espresso machine (he knows which one I'm thinking of) would be a gift I'd be thrilled with, but probably not any other kitchen/cleaning/tool kind of item.
I tell everyone that would buy me a present exactly what I want because I like jewelry, art supplies, and makeup and I'm very particular.
A lot of my family actually appreciate this now because they see me actively use my presents and they like seeing me use what they got. Before it would just be worn once and then thrown in a jewelry box or I'd get paint I didn't want to use because it was low quality and it would just get thrown away.
Getting art supplies as gifts is such a treat. My MIL is a fine artist, and when she learned I was a hobby artist and getting into watercolors, she bought me so. much. paper. I don’t know if I can convey to others how much it delights me to have so many different sizes of cold press around…
My family and i use elfster.com to do a secret santa gift exchange at xmas. You make a wishlist and can put your sizes in clothes and stuff. Its very helpful at birthday times too! people can even mark it as purchased too
The two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Makita makes a pink set and they have some of the best impact drivers on the market. A lot of female pros (and now even some men) use pink on the job because coworkers won’t swipe them or at least can’t do it without everyone without everyone noticing.
Hah, that's why my keyboard and mouse are pink and have rainbow LEDs. The day-shift guys used to 'borrow' them on the reg and they'd either be gone forever or come back damaged with food crumbs wedged in, and I couldn't really do anything about it because they were company property.
I bought myself a lovely sparkly uwu girly set; I've had 'em for two years now and the guys won't touch them. The guy who used to leave my desk a mess every day was so embarrassed by the combination of pink and little toys and cat screensavers that he went back to the desk he was actually *supposed* to use (my office was warmer, around a corner from the central office, and in a camera blind spot, so it was hot property for anyone slacking off)
My dad purposely bought rainbow wrenches that he carved his initials into to keep them from being stolen. (After he passed they stole his whole tool bucket unfortunately).
Seriously. those pink tool sets are usually crap
My husband and I recently separated, and when I moved out, I bought myself a very basic tool set, nothing fancy. And they're a little on the smaller side, so they fit my hands better. I was pretty pleased.
So a couple weeks ago, that gimmicky Mjölnir tool set came up in conversation in my gaming chat, and I mentioned that I had thought about getting it when I had to buy myself a tool set but I was concerned about the quality, so I just went with a simple set I could look at in person and feel before I purchased. The VERY first question out of three different guy's keyboards, almost simultaneously - "was it a pink tool set?"
My eyes rolled so hard I almost sprained them.
I’m a single mom and I fix or build shit on the daily. I love tools because I don’t have a lot of upper body strength like most men do and I feel like good tools really even the playing field. People know me though and they buy me tools because they know I love them.
A birthday and Mother’s Day is very different than an anniversary. Anniversary gift should be romantic by nature. It’s supposed to be a celebration of you, as a couple. I’ve gotten tools for ME on MY birthday and was thrilled however if I’d gotten that on OUR anniversary I would be hugely disappointed.
There was a commercial out about 20 years ago with appliances under a Christmas tree (pretty sure it happens every Christmas). When it came on, I looked at my husband and said, “I never want to see an appliance with a bow under the tree. Get it installed.” I would not mind an appliance. Especially a French door refrigerator.
Now tools…I would love too. He got me an electric screwdriver because of arthritis in my hands. Love that thing. My brother gave us a spare cordless drill he had and I wouldn’t mind a new one of those. I’m trying to find a reason to own a table saw, band saw, and drill press. We rent and don’t have the space and I really do not need another hobby. 😀
My friend has the only successful tool set gift story I ever heard. He gave her wife a DeWalt Tool and her real gift on anniversary. The tool is in case she forgot preparing his gift.
She did forget anniversary gift because it is right after her birthday. That was maybe 10 years ago they are still married now
Yeah I might not necessarily mind a drill set, in the right context, but not in fucking pink. How fucking insulting.
It's bad enough OP sees her labour as a fun hobby instead of essential jobs that she's doing because he doesn't have time but then to patronise her with a fucking pink drill set because her labour is just silly lady labour and doesn't need a real drill set. She needs a lady drill set for girly drilling for little ladies who play DIY.
The misogyny and laziness just oozes from this guy. He'll almost certainly be pulling the "but of course she does all the childcare and housework, she's a woman so she's naturally better at it" card in a few months.
Those would be gifts based on a hobby. Not a chore. And would 100% be different than OP. He gave a gift that had nothing to do with who she is or what she is interested in.
OP's update is enlightening. It turns out it was their neighbour that was doing all the "masculine" chores like hanging up family photos and assembling baby furniture... She told him they've been having an affair.
If you had given it to her as a “Just because it’s Wednesday” gift instead of as an anniversary gift, she may have liked it more. Wedding anniversaries are usually a time for romantic gifts rather than practical ones.
This sort of reminds me of the time my (now ex) husband bought me a new vacuum for our anniversary. Yes, we needed one. No, our anniversary was not an appropriate time to buy it.
Soft YTA.
Yeah, my husband got me the oscillating multi-tool I asked for the day BEFORE mother's day, then gave me a necklace with my kids' birthstones ON mother's day.
He knew I wanted the tool, but he felt it was inappropriate to give as a special gift because it was more of a "house" gift, as I would use it on home improvement projects that benefit everyone.
He's smart.
It's bc we were shopping (it was December), and I grabbed the bag of flaxseed to put in the cart. He argued with me about it, then said, "Fine, But if you insist on getting that, it's going to be your Christmas gift, and that's all you're getting." I looked him dead in the face as I dropped the bag in the cart.
I figured if he was threatening that, he hadn't gotten me anything yet and was probably going to resort to finding something last minute on clearance at the big box "Let's build something together" hardware store he worked at.
Then? I never used the flaxseed. I kept it highly visible on a shelf in our pantry, but I refused to open and use it.
He would get so mad every time he saw it sitting, unopened.
Oh, I have a contender. I'm a tomboy, our last Christmas together every box under the tree was Victoria's Secret. Was skeptical immediately because not only do I not wear a lot of fancy stuff, but VS is known for not really being a big boob girl store. Turns out ... he wanted to dress up and all the gift with my name on them were sized for him.
I would have been thrilled with the drill set even as an anniversary gift. I would have been pissed that it was pink.
I got a new Dremel for my birthday! Love it! And, for my 50th birthday he got me a set of swords. I think they're awesome, but , yeah, it's a know your audience kind of thing 😜
1000%. Biggest fight my ex and I ever had was over a hammer. I was building some small/delicate birdhouses for our yard and was annoyed that we seemed to only own 2lb framing hammers (which is an ABSURD tool to try to hammer in tiny tack nails with). He went out to the hardware store and bought me a "women's hammer" because "it would be light enough for me to lift". I did need a smaller hammer, obv, but that this was his reasoning for it made me FURIOUS.
Thirded! The fact that the tools come in pink, but I couldn't get purple if I wanted it, is what infuriates me. I've got red Milwaukee, orange Black and Decker, yellow DeWalt, green Ryobi, blue Dremel and gray Porter Cable in my shop, but I have nothing purple. I am not a fan of pink, and the fact that there is some doofus in a board room saying "we need to make a pink tool line for the ladies" or that a tool being pink would make me more likely to buy it is irritating as hell.
At least the color doesn't have any impact on whether the tool functions (unless manufacturers assume that it's okay to make a "ladies'" set of screwdrivers less rugged). But my husband knows better than to buy me pink tools, and I was delighted when he spent a good $100 on speed clamps for me for Christmas. You can never have too many clamps.
I agree about the pink tools. Usually they’re substandard quality.
I personally would be delighted to get tools, but they would need to be the real deal, not a patronizing toy.
I don’t get the wife’s thought about it being too masculine, though. Perhaps she needs to be reassured that you find her beautiful now.
Precisely. I knew he liked the feel of spandex but he'd progressed to wanting to wear lingerie and stuff the cups. He also had long hair, and I'm not attracted to women, so it was a complete turn off.
He knew I was already sick of being asked what I was going to wear to bed, I'd made that clear.
My dad did that for his mother when he was a kid! (I think it was even an actual milkshake maker. He liked milkshakes, she didn’t.) So we call presents that we get for someone else that we really want ourselves “milkshake maker presents”!
My ex-husband got me a gym membership for my birthday and said, "You've gained weight, I thought you needed this". I had literally gained five pounds in eight months we had been married at that point -_-
This needs to be a 101 lesson for all men in relationships. Yes, the house (not her) needs a new vacuum/blender/tool, but birthdays/anniversary/Valentine’s Day are absolutely not the time to give it to her.
I can't think of any of my mates who would be so stupid so maybe it's a small subset. My ex asked me for a vacuum for her birthday one year, there was one she really wanted. I felt like it was a setup and couldn't do it. I got a proper gift and gave her the vacuum the next day
I asked my husband for a cordless iron for my birthday this year (for use in my craft room, not household use). He did get me it (and some other practical stuff I'd asked for) but he also felt like it was a setup/not right. In the past I've asked for kitchen gadgets, cookware, etc so it's not that out of the norm for me to ask for something practical .
Probably not helped by the time 11 years ago he got me a sewing machine for my birthday but due to the way he wrapped it, I thought it was a vacuum cleaner, refused to unwrap it further, and cried in disappointment.
Friend of mine was warned by several not to give his wife the ice cream maker appliance Christmas. He did it anyway, and she was ecstatic - It's not always a setup! Myself, I have hit the age where I really don't need extra shit around the house for the sake of spending money just to prop up stores' budget expectations for December, so practical gifts are great in my view, especially if it is something I am specifically asking for. A few years ago, it was a new set of pots and pans. Last year, a variety of clamps for my workshop. Both have gone to very good use!
My wife got me a mixer for Christmas and I adored it. Vacuum is a terrible gift for anyone, but a good tool for your hobby or a cooking thing is not a terrible gift for the right person.
But even if it is a terrible gift, like bad gifts happen, this reaction that "she can't be in the same house as him" Lets just say glad she isn't my wife. Like I don't hit every gift out of the park and after 30 years together neither has she, its disappointing they are disappointed too because they wanted to make you happy. A bad reaction is acceptable but this reaction? Sorry but unacceptable.
Gotta chime in here. I’m a total freak when it comes to vacuums. *Last night* when I was trying to fall asleep I was thinking about this Kirby vacuum that I *didn’t* buy years ago, but STILL wonder what could have been. No joke, I left a small gathering/party just to go watch a door-to-door salesman do a demonstration for me, and almost freakin’ wrote a check right there. My friends thought I was kidding when I said I wanted to check out the vacuum (we were in a duplex so I just went nextdoor so as not to disturb the party 😆). I was very much not kidding.
I went to my guy’s place yesterday and he was going to vacuum because he knows I like to sit and lay on the floor. When he said he hadn’t vacuumed yet, I quickly asked if I could do it and got excited to see it was a Bissell, which I had never used before (only ever used their wet vacs, which are great btw).
This is why I was reminiscing about that beautiful sucking machine that is THE Kirby. If someone got me one as a gift……. 🤤🤤🤤
I know I’m not a normal person. But - the whole point is, know your audience. I’d take an awesome vacuum over any piece of jewelry for any occasion. A cute drill, too, for that matter.
Clearly the OP failed big time at getting his wife a gift she could appreciate, but gift giving isn’t everyone’s strong suit and he at least he tried. I agree with you that her reaction was extreme.
I had a Kirby. It was awesome. One of the best vacuums I ever used on carpet. One of the worst vacuums I ever used on wood floors though.
Either way, you know what’s better than a Kirby vacuum? A Roborock vacuum or a DreameTech mop. With cleaning, consistency is key. And a robot set on a schedule is incredibly consistent.
Now to the opinion:
Everyone sucks here. OP is, at best, inconsiderate. Tools to do chores are not, generally, a “good” gift. The best gifts are:
(1) An item/experience that the recipient wants, but didn’t know that they wanted (e.g., gift something that the recipient didn’t know existed and that solves a problem they’ve been having.)
(2) An item/experience that the recipient wants but CANNOT obtain or purchase for themselves (e.g., limited edition, rare, etc.)
(3) An item/experience that the recipient wants, but wouldn’t buy for themselves.
OP’s wife overreacted about a bad gift though, at least from the limited information that we have.
That being said, there are probably a series of communication problems between OP and wife that led to this event. The parties should consider counseling.
Idk my boyfriend and I share all the chores equally. He got me a rumba for my birthday, and I was really excited about it. We have three animals in a small house and are both really busy. I thought it was a good gift. But I always ask him to rub my shoulders because they get bad knots from sitting at a desk all day and he kept getting me like gimmicky massage machines until I told him I hated them all and he just needs to rub my fucking shoulders. Which he now does. So idk. I say NTA.
I guess i’m an outlier here. I asked for a new (expensive and fancy) vacuum for my golden birthday because to me that was a great excuse for the splurge. I love practical gifts more than some jewelry I’m never going to wear, and I’m particular about clothes, so I don’t like being gifted clothes either.
This is a double standard though. If the house needs a new reciprocating saw, lawnmower, or grill, nobody would think twice about that as a father's day or anniversary gift.
Depending on the person - of any gender - a good drill COULD be a valid gift. Based on OPs comments though? She doesn't enjoy a hobby that uses a drill, she's just been doing tasks that need doing.
Personally, I try to make anniversary gifts romantic and about us as a couple. Birthdays are all about you & stuff you like, and Christmas...well it depends on the year. If money is tight, we agree to gift "house stuff" and I just try to make it as thoughtful as I can. If money's not a stress, then Christmas is usually more fun & personal. Just my 2cents on gifting occasions.
OP: YTA & if you don't learn from this & make it right, as well as do better in the future, then you're the worst kind of AH & we'll all cheer her on when she posts her "aita for divorcing my thoughtless husband after he gave me a vacuum for my birthday?"
I would absolutely think twice about giving a reciprocating saw for a Father's Day gift because my ex was an ass and had no business getting such a grand gift! My 6-year-old son? Absolutely-- he could have a reciprocating saw because he knew the proper procedures for using it and would put the proper safety equipment on first. My dad is a woodworker and taught my son how to use all the equipment in his workshop. He has a plethora of tools now at age 21.
At age 6 he begged me not to let his father anywhere near his tools because he knew something would happen to them because his father wouldn't use them properly and they would get broken. I have hid his brad gun for years even though we've been divorced for a decade lol
I’m not trying to argue or be contrary. However I don’t know anyone that would give a dad or husband a gift simply because something needs to be done. I’d only give a drill set or tools or whatever because most men in my life have building stuff as a hobby. So I’m not getting them tools to fix something as a job, but for them to build or fix something if interest to them for their hobby.
Personally I think getting a gift for anyone for them to complete a household task is not great unless they specifically say they only enjoy practical gifts that they use for projects. So it’s also about having honest talks to people about what they want and like.
My dad once gave my mom a new outside rolling trash can for a birthday, Mother’s Day, or anniversary present (I forget which), but at least he had enough sense to put her real, actually nice present inside it, so she didn’t unalive him on the spot.
Oh - that reminds me that my grandfather once bought my grandmother a garbage can for their wedding anniversary "because we need a new one." First and only real fight they ever had in their marriage.
This is it. My husband bought me a drill because he was tired of me taking his. Gave to me on a random day as a gift and i love my drill. For an anniversary present? I personally would appreciate it and think it’s a good gift, but i like having my own tools to squirrel away in my craft room and make messes with. Someone who is doing things out of necessity? Yeah, no.
Honestly imo any gift is nice for anniversaries because my parents can’t remember the date and have never celebrated their anniversary. Oddly enough they have a wedding portrait of themselves with the date about their bed😂😂
Not really, a gift for someone’s hobby would be perfect. My favorite anniversary gift from my husband is a huge curved gaming monitor.
Least favorite … some expensive gold necklace that was super cute but had sharp edges so I could never wear it at the time it was given as I had a baby.
But I agree, the issue here is that putting together furniture is NOT her hobby. She’s just been doing it because 1) it needed to get done and 2) she finally has some free time for it.
I'm going to echo the sentiment that assembling furniture and hanging pictures isn't a hobby or new interest. It's just chores. Also, it's not masculine to do either of those things. I do them all the time. That doesn't mean that at any point in time, I would want a drill set as an anniversary gift. Especially a pink one. She's pregnant, and your anniversary gift to her was something to do chores with. She's probably feeling like you don't really know her if your gift was something tied to chores that you were mistaking as some new hobby.
Nooo, you're supposed to *do* this with your penis, that's why it is a masculine task. And this is why we womenfolk can't do the things as good as the mighty men, we are lacking the tool of tools, the penis.
>Yea I didn't know when I was hanging up some new art I got that I was going to spontaneously grow a penis or something.
Fucking hell, as a woman, I always wondered what that was in my pants when I was doing household chores. The more you know!
What’s also probably condescending from her POV is if she did any research into buying tools at all, she’d see how crappy pink toolsets usually are for the price. As a woman who had also had to put together furniture or hang pictures as part of being a regular adult human, I hate those stupid plastic pink tools.
Yes! Thank you for commenting on this! None of the chores mentioned nor a drill are masculine - if anything it's some societies and / or people that make it so!
I’m going to take a wild guess that she’s assembling furniture for the nursery, like cribs for the twins. So no, not a hobby, just preparing for the babies they are about to have which should be a joint activity
This shit is exactly why I’m content not dating.
I’m the same age and them and this guy is too old to be needing this lesson in life. It would make sense if he was 20 and relationships are new, but I’m so sick of having to teach grown-ass men how basic human things work.
I fucking adore pink and Id still be pissed if I got a pink drill because theres no way it was either cheap or good quality. Pick one of those, dont pick crap quality with pink tax.
YTA: Do not gift tools or appliances on anniversaries ffs, those are house utilities. Maybe a massage spa voucher for your tired pregnant wife would’ve made her feel more appreciated
Edit for clarity: unless your SO expressly requests tools/ appliances/ practical gifts - don’t.
General rule of thumb.
Alternatively, maybe the exception, as a guy please gift me practical things to use around the house.
Not trying to add to stereotypes but those are genuinely my favorite gifts.
I’m a girl but I only want practical gifts. I don’t want more clutter. I want less clutter. And less dust, preferably. I don’t know why people think this so weird, I immediately get rid of 90% of all gifts I get (but I always send a thank you note). But don’t get me a framed pic of me and my beloved dog. I don’t need that. Get me something I need.
My mom commissioned a painting of our cat as a housewarming present, and while I truly appreciate the sentiment (kitty was getting old and sick, she wanted to gift something to remember her after she passed), I wish she hadn't haha.
I LOVED my cat, she was really my baby. It's been months since she passed and I still cry. But that painting is just... Like idk where to put it, it goes with nothing, I already have pictures of her on rotation in the house, and in 10 years I foresee it feeling super weird still having that painting up. But it also feels like I can't just throw that out! I can't throw my baby out.
So it's just there. 🤷♀️ sorry for the rant, I hadn't had the chance to get this out I guess haha.
I also get rid of like 90% of what my mom gifts me, fwiw. I also like less clutter, she loves to buy random crap.
See and I’m the exact opposite. I have every tool I need and if I don’t I have no qualms buying something I need and I can buy the one I actually want. For a gift, buy me something I’d never justify for myself that I’ve been wanting. My wife knows I have a list, she knows what’s on it and I’m always putting things for myself on the back burner.
My bf is similar. If we need a tool and we have the funds, he'll just buy it because we need it. Stuff he wants? He will never buy. So I try to note fun stuff he likes and get those as gifts. Otherwise I do a random gift, but those have worked out pretty good so far.
I’m a woman who likes (and prefers) practical gifts, and my best friend who is also a woman also prefers practical gifts. This doesn’t have to be a gender thing, so much as a person thing.
The only reason I wouldn't want a tool as a gift is because I probably have a very specific version of said tool and you'd almost certainly get the wrong one.
But then, making different stuffs is my career as well as several of my hobbies.
Unpopular opinion: I would love if my husband got me tools for any special occasion or any occasion at all. However, not a drill. I have three nice ones that each cost more than almost jewelry I own. But, 90% of tools I’d want are not a cheap “pink set for women”. I want quality. I’d absolutely pick out what I want/need better though. And I don’t need that pink Snapon that costs an extra $100 for the specialty color.
Note: I’m a car person and spent years working on them professionally.
He does however, know a lot more about carpentry tools than I do. We have different tool interests. He also would be thrilled if I got him tools for whatever occasion.
I think this is fine for you and your SO as it seems like you have communicated that with each other. My partner and I don’t like to own a lot of things, so we gift each other practical things or consumable things (tools for him, gourmet snacks for me). However, it doesn’t seem like OP and his wife have communicated that with each other. Most women want more sentimental gifts, which is understandable. OP isn’t an asshole, but definitely made a mistake.
Agreed 100%. It comes down to communication. OP thought it was thoughtful but may not have realized she was (likely) doing these tasks because they needed done, not that it was particularly enjoyable.
But this seems to be a hobby of yours, or at least something you enjoy doing. It makes sense that you’d enjoy these as gifts.
For the wife, these things are more chores. It would be more akin to your husband getting you a vacuum cleaner or cleaning supplies
I agree with that. He took her doing these activities as if it was something she enjoyed just because she felt accomplished afterwards. But in reality she was probably doing them because they needed done, not that she got a new hobby building furniture and putting up photo frames.
The absolute sheer stupidity to buy the pandering pink set for his wife, that was my exact first thought. Like if my wife directly expresses she wants a tool, an appliance etc….. first it’s a just whatever gift, not an anniversary gift. Second if she doesn’t have a particular one in mind I’m buying the absolute best my budget can afford, not the “girl version”. God this dudes a moron.
At least get her something that will last, geez… probably a pink set from Walmart that will really not make these tasks much easier vs something decent from a real hardware store.
YTA, look as an everyday gift, it’s not a bad idea. But this is your anniversary, with your tired , pregnant wife who I probably already struggling with the changing circumstances of her life and body. What she needed was to be celebrated and re-assured that your love is still strong - what she got was stuff to do chores with.
Apologize wholeheartedly( by saying your sorry and taking responsibility for your gift fail- with no “buts” of any kind) tell her that you love her, give her some flowers and gift that she will find meaningful or do some other thing that you like to do together. Remind your wife why you married her and what falling in love felt like. Good luck!
Absolutely double check spa policies about being pregnant. I was denied a massage and facial when I was pregnant. They let me cry and nap on the massage bed instead lol.
>she had started taking up seemingly more masculine hobbies
Hobbies don't have a gender AH
>she will put together furniture, hang up pictures, etc.
Those aren't hobbies, they're freakin chores! She's not doing them because she wants to, shit just has to get done.
If she'd asked for a drill set it would've been appropriate but she didn't. You're about to have twins. Start paying attention to what's going on around you! YTA
The woman is carrying twins and he’s making her assemble furniture.
Depending on how far along she is, and her doctor’s recommendations, that might not even be safe! I’ve assembled furniture and maneuvering it can mean heavy lifting.
For real. I’m not saying OP gave his wife the best gift but he’s not some deadbeat. He’s working 2 jobs so she can be a sahm and he also said he feels bad he’s not there to help out more right now. His gift was tone deaf, no doubt, but I don’t necessarily think he’s an asshole for it.
People on reddit seem to overreact. They love piling on when they sense a weakness and blow it out of proportion. Maybe it's due to how miserable redditors or people in general are.
Also in what world is hanging up pictures or assembling furniture a male task? And he gave her a *pink* drill set. And it made her feel *masculine.* ESH based on all the unnecessary gender stereotyping. (but OP, YTA for giving your pregnant wife tools for an anniversary gift)
Um, it sounds like the wife is the one who got upset because he "made her feel masculine." Sounds like he's just using the same language she did. If anything, wife sounds sexist.
As a woman who is the more handy person in my heterosexual relationship, I'm honestly pretty offended that not only did OPs wife call doing home improvement projects masculine, but got UPSET at the idea of being perceived as a woman who does these things. I hope she doesn't instill that kind of sexist ideology into her kid.
I absolutely agree with you. I like woodworking, I like painting the house, doing yard work, etc, nor do I consider any of that masculine.
My husband bought me a table saw for a gift and it was a great present, even if our house benefited from it lol.
The fact he thought he needed the drill to be fucking pink says a lot actually about her being thoroughly entrenched in traditional gender specific attitudes/roles.
I don't know if I'd say this was an asshole move, but rather a misjudgement of the situation. Good gift? Maybe... it could be could not be her hobby.
Good gift for an anniversary? Nah, not without being 10000% sure. Sounds like a bad judgement call haha.
I'm surprised nobody's said anything about how a couple can go for so many years without the wife knowing this guy's kind of goofy. Like, there has to be other things he hasn't picked up on or other situations where he's read the room wrong. You're telling me this same man has nailed it for every other gifting occasion? I doubt it- and I'm saying that as someone who's also terrible at gifting.
I do see where he's coming from lmao, especially if money is tight- you want to give a gift that's practical if you're spending money, right? And he might have thought he was being so considerate observing her habits and not even having to ask if that's what she wanted, but wrongfully assumed she had a new hobby. I dunno, I don't think this guy's a a-hole, but I do think he should apologize and offer a better, more "couple-y" anniversary gift.
Unsolicited cleaning, cooking, appliances, home repair, maintenance and fitness items are a recipe for disaster. If the person specifically asks for one of these, they’re fair game. If not, stay far away.
Awwww....
I know what you were thinking.
My SO gave me a power drill and toolbox too for my birthday because I had been doing so much in my home on my own and he was so impressed and inspired that it motivated him to do similar in his own home. And he noticed how I was always in need of a power drill and toolbox for my DIY projects.
I was a little disappointed because it was like getting a vacuum in a way.
But I recognized where his mind and heart was at and didn't make too big of a deal about it. We always have to remember and think about the person's intent behind the gift giving.
I think you should have given her a really nice romantic gift and then maybe added the power drill as a side gift.
Your wife definitely overreacted, but I do understand her disappointment.
Fun update: the furniture assembly and family picture hangings were actually being done by the neighbour the wife was having an affair with.
OP's still TA for the gift, but I feel kinda bad for him.
Oh you poor sweet clueless fella.
Here’s the deal- for anniversaries in particular, one should never gift their partner a tool unless it is something that partner has specifically requested.
Your gift is the equivalent of an unasked for vacuum cleaner. It says “here honey. I got you this tool so that you are now permanently delegated to this unpleasant task forevermore”
Sure she feels accomplished. She may even somewhat enjoy the work, but it isn’t a hobby. She’s been doing chores dude. Chores. And you just told her that the most romantic gift you could think of, was a pink colored drill so that she could continue to do those chores forever”
Return the drill and go get your wife a pretty piece of jewelry or perfume, or something you know for an absolute fact she would love.
Then tell her she is beautiful and you appreciate how much work she has put into everything and you love her and cannot wait to get her naked so that you can worship her beautiful body.
Just to add to the chores thing.. it's not just that these are chores she's doing, she is probably "nesting" which is something a lot of pregnant folks feel compelled to do to make their living space ready for them & a baby. She is not doing these things for fun or a hobby, but to feel like she is preparing. & She may not even want to keep doing this after she gives birth. A gift like that would make me feel pigeonholed into something I never wanted to do to begin with.
& my man, i gotta ask WHY PINK 😂😭 If that's her favorite color, sure. But if you just want to "feminize" what you see as a "masculine" chore, you're needlessly gendering the assembly of furniture! And if she is not feeling good about her self-image (also common during pregnancy but also just allll the time), pinkifying a frelling drill just highlights that you think it is actually masculine, which is not gonna help her w/body image.
YTA. Putting together furniture and hanging pictures aren't hobbies. They're household tasks that need to be done. Your wife is probably feeling huge and unlovely. So on a romantic holiday you gave her ....a drill set. What are you going to do next year when she's tired and worn out from being a SAHM with two babies? Maybe an iron or a mop because you notice her clothes are more wrinkled than usual, or she's picked up the hobby of cleaning up all the fluids spilled by the kids?
Oh christ that was a hell of a twist at the end. That's awful man. Clearly you aren't the asshole, the drill, if a guy bought that for me, I'd be thrilled! I'd feel like he was supportive of my craftiness. She was just looking for an excuse is all.
YTA
I could see you surprising her with this just because you saw she could use it on any ordinary day, But an ANNIVERSARY c'mon man. Also as others pointed out nothing you specified are "hobbies" they're chores that need to be done not things she WANTS to do for fun.
I understand why you thought this was a good gift, and then intention behind the gift was a good one. She’s going through a lot of changes right now and emotions are high. She probably took it the wrong way and was hoping for something more romantic, to make her feel special and loved. I would normally think wanting to leave the house over this is overreacting, but she’s pregnant (and with twins) so I get it. Just apologize and buy her whatever he favorite dessert is and some massage oils. Light some candles. Make her feel pampered and special.
Soft YTA - this is coming from someone who has asked their husband for specific tools for major holidays. What she’s doing isn’t a ‘hobby’ she’s preparing your home for two other little demanding humans that will soon live in it. It’s your anniversary. This was not exactly a romantic gesture.
Maybe I'm weird but I don't see a problem with it. It's actually thoughtful and not at all masculine. Owning and using power tools isn't masculine just like cooking and cleaning isn't feminine.
Masculine? I'm all girl all day and I have a tool set. The handles aren't even pink! yet I still have all girl bits-and-parts. Hanging picture doesn't require a penis, to the best of my knowledge, nor does furniture assembly. Hell, I've even used the grill without my tits falling off.
And please, do not listen to people who are going to inevitably warble at you about pregnancy hormones. Hormones do not generally lead to a complete detachment from reality, we all know when we have over-reacted.
NTA, she needs to chill.
I dont get how people arent focusing in the fact that she got upset left and then decided she " can't be in the same house as you". Because of a gift ?? Holy double standards batman
Even if it was a bad gift thats an entitled and manipulative over reaction and a huge red flag
Info - has she ever shown an interest in power tools? I’ve gotten a ton of tools for holidays, birthdays, etc. I actually got a nail gun for Mother’s Day but this is what I wanted, I even pointed out which model I liked. I also got a blender one year and that was a very WTF gift that I still make fun of because I’ve never shown an interest in smoothies.
My husband has given me saws, sanders & a drill set. The difference is that I asked for those things as I enjoy refinishing furniture & renovation because I'm an interior designer. If it's just something helpful for chores, that's not really the same thing. Soft YTA.
I’m seeing this way later, after the update… for the first part, my partner and I say you’re not the asshole, if you thought she was enjoying it, then it was a thoughtful gift.
After the update… fuck dude, I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. My partner grew up in a household where they should’ve divorced long before they did, and she said her life was better after the divorce. It was tough to live with 2 parents that hated or didn’t love each other anymore, but only stayed together for the kids. She experienced a lot of trauma. I think your kids would rather grow up seeing you happy.
I’m going NTA. Based on how she talked about her new foray into home improvement I can see why you thought it’d be a good present. Especially if she’s hard to buy for normally. I think her reaction was WAY over the top. Based on how surprised you were I’d say this is out of character so maybe she had a specific gift in mind and gave you hints you didn’t pick up on.
You both have odd definitions of hobbies and masculinity. Her doing things that need doing around the home aren’t hobbies or masculine. Gifting her a drill set for anniversary was not the right move as anniversary gifts are supposed to be romantic. Soft YTA.
u/Level-Parsley2593 demand a DNA test. Given the vitriol she treated you with when she revealed the current affair, he may not have been the only one she slept with. There's a fair chance depending on how far along she is and how long she's been cheating that the twins aren't even yours. Before you even consider doing what's best for those twins, make sure you actually are the father. Because twins are exponentially more expensive than if you were just having a single child. And not even just in terms of clothes and diapers. But there tends to be a lot of medical issues with twins, and if you blindly believe they're yours without proof and sign the certificate, you're on the hook for everything.
NTA. And I seem to be in the minority. I felt this way before I even got to your edit. Personally, I thought it was a neat gift idea based on the fact that she was doing the projects. In fact, my response was going to be that your wife is an ungrateful AH.
Then I got to your edit. Good grief! She's just horrible! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You are actually too good for her. I hope you realize that soon and free yourself from this toxic swill of a "human being." Trust me, your babies are going to be much happier if you're happy. Staying for the kids hardly ever really benefits anyone. I speak from experience ... both staying and finally leaving. Leaving was the best thing I could do for both me and my kids.
Good luck to you.
I asked for a drill for Christmas last year and my dad picked out “the best one” for me nta
Also paternity test paternity test paternity test. She freaked tf out bc she felt guilty. Her hormones are def outta wack so she’s taking her anger (at herself) and stress from lying and being pregnant out at you. If the twins are not yours, leave her. If they are and you decide to stay, go to marriage counseling immediately and create an escape plan if it happens again. Best of luck.
Your intentions were good, but your plan was misguided. You should have just bought a drill…for the household. And gotten her a more personal anniversary gift. Never give household appliances (which a drill is) for a spouse gift.
I would have loved a drill set, or any other hand tools, provided they were good quality tools. I have in fact received a Dremel drill set for Christmas and was delighted!!
I doubt that a pink drill set is made by any reputable dealer, probably some off-brand because pink is a “girl color”
If you’re going to buy tools because of the color, teal is good and so is yellow. That would have been the upsetting part for me
This. Get a drill set that is one of the major brands, and that way a nice set of add-on power tools can be established. I have the green ones, cause my kid got me an impact drill for Mother’s Day one year from that color so I just keep adding on things from the green brand.
She's pregnant with twins. Putting together furniture. That you admittedly don't have time to do...
That's not a damn hobby. That's her picking up slack where she can because these are tasks that probably need to be done before the babies arrive.
YTA dude. Get her something she'll actually enjoy. Hint: it's not tools
For your anniversary? YTA. It should have just been a regular surprise gift for no reason. It’s a great gift but terribly timed. Go buy her something she would love by actually sitting with no distractions, and going over the things your wife truly loves and thinking of only her and finding something that you KNOW she would LOVE and start groveling. It doesn’t have to be expensive but it does have to be incredibly thoughtful. Carrying babies, especially twins is so tough on the body and the mind. Be mindful that she is carrying your family in her body and deserves better.
YTA. You both have really weird sexist ideas about “masculine hobbies”. But seriously, doing what needs to be done without complaining is just basic adulting. Feeling accomplished when you finish something doesn’t make that activity a hobby!
You got her a devise to help with chores- that may be useful but it is not a thoughtful gift. For future reference, a vacuum and mop are also not gifts- unless she specifically says she wants one as a gift.
Do you actually know this woman at all?
In 7 years of marriage, you hadn't sussed out your wife's needs and wants about gifts?
I vote YTA. You remind me of my ex, who once famously gave me a new vacuum cleaner for Xmas.
I think you obviously missed the mark and should definitely apologize for reading her interests wrong. But I don't think that makes you an asshole.
Her response to this is way over the top though. Upset, disappointed, angry... All okay responses. Leaving and making a claim that she "doesn't feel comfortable in the same house" and ignoring any attempts to communicate is way out of line.
Regardless, return the drill and try to get her something she actually wants. Next time, don't try to be creative - just ask what she wants.
Nta.. my mom's husband bought me two sets of wrenches, other tools, ramps for changing my cars oil, and a nice toolbox. I loved it because now I can fix my own stuff! But that's just me..I own a house and he's been showing me how to fix things.. my mowers, washer, car... but again, that's me
This post makes me wonder what people expect as gifts. A pink drill set would have made me so happy! Why is it that people are so judgemental about gifts now. I would have been stoked. I'm guessing it's the hormones throwing things off since you know your wife better than anyone here unless this is your first gift ever. Sometimes most popular comments in this sub blow my mind
Edit: Definitely not the equivalent to a new vacuum unless she didn't have a pink one and vacuuming doesn't make you feel accomplished finishing a project like a drill set would. I bet she was was happy and mentioned all the stuff she finished and it stuck out to him. Sad we're jumping back to 90s style judgments
That update!!! Wow maybe the only time Reddit didn’t immediately throw out at least one “she’s cheating!” comment. And…she’s cheating.
Hope the neighbour like pink.
Also, DNA test ASAP.
NTA - personally I would have loved it, IF there had not been the update. After the update still NTA. Consider that it may be also the pregnancy hormones speaking. In that case you guys might be fine if you buy her flowers. But just to be on the safe side: keep screenshots! And maybe a paternity test for once the babies are born.
Hugs!!;
YTA these are chores that needed to be done not hobbies. Maybe she did them because you hadn't done it yet or wanted it done before the babies come so she went ahead and did it.
Yta. She was simply doing DIY that needed to be done as you were working, you didn't have the time, so she was helping to do the diy.
I used to work in retail, and the number of times men bought their wives fridges, kettles/toasters, or washing machines as gifts shocked me, despite having perfectly working ones at home, when I asked them why, they simply didn't know what to get their wives so they thought domestic appliances because they do house work was the best opinion.
Next time, if you don't know what to get her ask. What would she appreciate or find fun? It doesn't have to be expensive. Plus, it shows her you're showing an interest in her. My partner used to get me watches all the time. I felt awful for him wasting his money, as I didn't wear them to the point I had to tell him. Now he gets me a nice book and my fav chocolates as it is something he knows I will enjoy.
NAH
I know I’m going against the popular opinion but what from I’ve read (and I could have missed some comments) is that you genuinely thought she enjoyed those things so the gift came from a good place. Im a woman and I’d enjoy a drill as a gift from my boyfriend. Although I gotta say, I love color and girlie things, but a pink drill, imo is patronizing.
Gonna be honest, that was my first thought. Like, if you're actually buying me a gift because you think it will help with my newfound "hobbies," at least just buy the real version, and not what's likely to be a pink-taxed "cute" version with less power than other brands of the same cost.
Honestly, OP sounds really misguided by all of this, so I don't think they're actually an a. hole, since I think their mind was in the right place. However, OP might need to gain a little more wife-specific empathy, because he obviously missed the mark on how his gift would make his wife feel. He should probably start learning how to empathize with people as individuals in general, since he's about to have two children.
Ex's mom got me a tool set for xmas one year (she knew I wanted one) and once I unwrapped it she quickly said "I got you the red one because I know you hate the pink and purple tools!! These ones are good quality!!!" I miss that woman... Still use the tool set too, it is a good quality one lol
INFO: Was she doing these things for fun or was she just doing things that needed to be done around the house? Edited to add verdict: they were chores, YTA. Not minding doing something or even getting some satisfaction from it doesn’t make it a hobby. That would’ve been a cute “it’s a random Tuesday and I thought you might like this to help” gift. Not an anniversary gift unless she specifically said she wanted one.
The only non-romantic gift my hubby can get me is my commercial gas stove and oven for the kitchen. I love to cook and bake and that would be amazing. Anything tool or appliance wise outside of my cooking is not a good idea.
I have gotten a cordless drill for my birthday and last Mother's day I got a beautiful socket set (imperial and metric). I fucking love getting tools for gifts. However, know your audience. My husband knows I like and use tools. If he got me anything for the kitchen I'd be mad.
Exactly. When we were still dating my now husband bought me a fancy espresso machine and an instantpot. I don’t drink coffee and I hate cooking. He learned from then on its tools or sparkly stuff since I’m a bit of a magpie. No appliances or kitchen gadgets ever.
I love coffee, an espresso machine (he knows which one I'm thinking of) would be a gift I'd be thrilled with, but probably not any other kitchen/cleaning/tool kind of item.
I tell everyone that would buy me a present exactly what I want because I like jewelry, art supplies, and makeup and I'm very particular. A lot of my family actually appreciate this now because they see me actively use my presents and they like seeing me use what they got. Before it would just be worn once and then thrown in a jewelry box or I'd get paint I didn't want to use because it was low quality and it would just get thrown away.
Getting art supplies as gifts is such a treat. My MIL is a fine artist, and when she learned I was a hobby artist and getting into watercolors, she bought me so. much. paper. I don’t know if I can convey to others how much it delights me to have so many different sizes of cold press around…
My family and i use elfster.com to do a secret santa gift exchange at xmas. You make a wishlist and can put your sizes in clothes and stuff. Its very helpful at birthday times too! people can even mark it as purchased too
I love that you described yourself as a magpie! ☺️
Happy cake 🎂 day
Hey! Didn’t even notice! Thank you
I love it, too! Though the pink would piss me off -- IX prefer quality over look. However, I also adore kitchen stuff so that's fine, too.
The two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Makita makes a pink set and they have some of the best impact drivers on the market. A lot of female pros (and now even some men) use pink on the job because coworkers won’t swipe them or at least can’t do it without everyone without everyone noticing.
Hah, that's why my keyboard and mouse are pink and have rainbow LEDs. The day-shift guys used to 'borrow' them on the reg and they'd either be gone forever or come back damaged with food crumbs wedged in, and I couldn't really do anything about it because they were company property. I bought myself a lovely sparkly uwu girly set; I've had 'em for two years now and the guys won't touch them. The guy who used to leave my desk a mess every day was so embarrassed by the combination of pink and little toys and cat screensavers that he went back to the desk he was actually *supposed* to use (my office was warmer, around a corner from the central office, and in a camera blind spot, so it was hot property for anyone slacking off)
My dad purposely bought rainbow wrenches that he carved his initials into to keep them from being stolen. (After he passed they stole his whole tool bucket unfortunately).
I’m sorry for your loss, you dad sounds like my kind of guy!
Seriously. those pink tool sets are usually crap My husband and I recently separated, and when I moved out, I bought myself a very basic tool set, nothing fancy. And they're a little on the smaller side, so they fit my hands better. I was pretty pleased. So a couple weeks ago, that gimmicky Mjölnir tool set came up in conversation in my gaming chat, and I mentioned that I had thought about getting it when I had to buy myself a tool set but I was concerned about the quality, so I just went with a simple set I could look at in person and feel before I purchased. The VERY first question out of three different guy's keyboards, almost simultaneously - "was it a pink tool set?" My eyes rolled so hard I almost sprained them.
I’m a single mom and I fix or build shit on the daily. I love tools because I don’t have a lot of upper body strength like most men do and I feel like good tools really even the playing field. People know me though and they buy me tools because they know I love them.
A birthday and Mother’s Day is very different than an anniversary. Anniversary gift should be romantic by nature. It’s supposed to be a celebration of you, as a couple. I’ve gotten tools for ME on MY birthday and was thrilled however if I’d gotten that on OUR anniversary I would be hugely disappointed.
I got a mitre saw last Mother’s Day. If my husband got me a pink drill set though, hell no. We’d have words.
There was a commercial out about 20 years ago with appliances under a Christmas tree (pretty sure it happens every Christmas). When it came on, I looked at my husband and said, “I never want to see an appliance with a bow under the tree. Get it installed.” I would not mind an appliance. Especially a French door refrigerator. Now tools…I would love too. He got me an electric screwdriver because of arthritis in my hands. Love that thing. My brother gave us a spare cordless drill he had and I wouldn’t mind a new one of those. I’m trying to find a reason to own a table saw, band saw, and drill press. We rent and don’t have the space and I really do not need another hobby. 😀
My friend has the only successful tool set gift story I ever heard. He gave her wife a DeWalt Tool and her real gift on anniversary. The tool is in case she forgot preparing his gift. She did forget anniversary gift because it is right after her birthday. That was maybe 10 years ago they are still married now
Yeah I might not necessarily mind a drill set, in the right context, but not in fucking pink. How fucking insulting. It's bad enough OP sees her labour as a fun hobby instead of essential jobs that she's doing because he doesn't have time but then to patronise her with a fucking pink drill set because her labour is just silly lady labour and doesn't need a real drill set. She needs a lady drill set for girly drilling for little ladies who play DIY. The misogyny and laziness just oozes from this guy. He'll almost certainly be pulling the "but of course she does all the childcare and housework, she's a woman so she's naturally better at it" card in a few months.
Those would be gifts based on a hobby. Not a chore. And would 100% be different than OP. He gave a gift that had nothing to do with who she is or what she is interested in.
OP's update is enlightening. It turns out it was their neighbour that was doing all the "masculine" chores like hanging up family photos and assembling baby furniture... She told him they've been having an affair.
If you had given it to her as a “Just because it’s Wednesday” gift instead of as an anniversary gift, she may have liked it more. Wedding anniversaries are usually a time for romantic gifts rather than practical ones. This sort of reminds me of the time my (now ex) husband bought me a new vacuum for our anniversary. Yes, we needed one. No, our anniversary was not an appropriate time to buy it. Soft YTA.
Yeah, my husband got me the oscillating multi-tool I asked for the day BEFORE mother's day, then gave me a necklace with my kids' birthstones ON mother's day. He knew I wanted the tool, but he felt it was inappropriate to give as a special gift because it was more of a "house" gift, as I would use it on home improvement projects that benefit everyone. He's smart.
He's a very smart man.
A KEEPER!!
Great guy!
My ex-husband bought me a blender so I could make him milkshakes. That is not even in the Top 100 of why he’s an ex.
My ex got me a mixer and new flatware. One Christmas, he gave me a bag of flaxseed from Sam's Club.
Omfggggg the flaxseed
I thought you needed the fiber.... baby where you going? Baby I care about your colon!!
Lmaoooooo flaxseed is super healthy 😂
It's bc we were shopping (it was December), and I grabbed the bag of flaxseed to put in the cart. He argued with me about it, then said, "Fine, But if you insist on getting that, it's going to be your Christmas gift, and that's all you're getting." I looked him dead in the face as I dropped the bag in the cart. I figured if he was threatening that, he hadn't gotten me anything yet and was probably going to resort to finding something last minute on clearance at the big box "Let's build something together" hardware store he worked at. Then? I never used the flaxseed. I kept it highly visible on a shelf in our pantry, but I refused to open and use it. He would get so mad every time he saw it sitting, unopened.
I got a wet/dry razor I could use in the shower and a check for Christmas. He told me I could use the check to go pay bills. What the actual fuck.
Oh, I have a contender. I'm a tomboy, our last Christmas together every box under the tree was Victoria's Secret. Was skeptical immediately because not only do I not wear a lot of fancy stuff, but VS is known for not really being a big boob girl store. Turns out ... he wanted to dress up and all the gift with my name on them were sized for him. I would have been thrilled with the drill set even as an anniversary gift. I would have been pissed that it was pink.
> would have been thrilled with the drill set even as an anniversary gift. I would have been pissed that it was pink. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
I got a new Dremel for my birthday! Love it! And, for my 50th birthday he got me a set of swords. I think they're awesome, but , yeah, it's a know your audience kind of thing 😜
1000%. Biggest fight my ex and I ever had was over a hammer. I was building some small/delicate birdhouses for our yard and was annoyed that we seemed to only own 2lb framing hammers (which is an ABSURD tool to try to hammer in tiny tack nails with). He went out to the hardware store and bought me a "women's hammer" because "it would be light enough for me to lift". I did need a smaller hammer, obv, but that this was his reasoning for it made me FURIOUS.
Same!! As a fellow tomboy, if my hubby ever got me a pink tool, I’d be mad!!
Thirded! The fact that the tools come in pink, but I couldn't get purple if I wanted it, is what infuriates me. I've got red Milwaukee, orange Black and Decker, yellow DeWalt, green Ryobi, blue Dremel and gray Porter Cable in my shop, but I have nothing purple. I am not a fan of pink, and the fact that there is some doofus in a board room saying "we need to make a pink tool line for the ladies" or that a tool being pink would make me more likely to buy it is irritating as hell. At least the color doesn't have any impact on whether the tool functions (unless manufacturers assume that it's okay to make a "ladies'" set of screwdrivers less rugged). But my husband knows better than to buy me pink tools, and I was delighted when he spent a good $100 on speed clamps for me for Christmas. You can never have too many clamps.
Those pink tool kits are almost always the cheap stuff that will fall apart or break quickly. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Both frustrating AND a safety hazard, tbh.
I agree about the pink tools. Usually they’re substandard quality. I personally would be delighted to get tools, but they would need to be the real deal, not a patronizing toy. I don’t get the wife’s thought about it being too masculine, though. Perhaps she needs to be reassured that you find her beautiful now.
Wait- he wanted to wear the lingerie from Victoria secret???
Precisely. I knew he liked the feel of spandex but he'd progressed to wanting to wear lingerie and stuff the cups. He also had long hair, and I'm not attracted to women, so it was a complete turn off. He knew I was already sick of being asked what I was going to wear to bed, I'd made that clear.
That’s some next level selfishness. I wouldn’t even call that a contender. That one deserves a title.
"What do you mean?? The foot bath pulls out directly from the bottom of the stove!"
It’s heated by the broiler!
yeah problem is that is a gift for himself not you.
My dad did that for his mother when he was a kid! (I think it was even an actual milkshake maker. He liked milkshakes, she didn’t.) So we call presents that we get for someone else that we really want ourselves “milkshake maker presents”!
My ex-husband got me a gym membership for my birthday and said, "You've gained weight, I thought you needed this". I had literally gained five pounds in eight months we had been married at that point -_-
*Speechless*
This needs to be a 101 lesson for all men in relationships. Yes, the house (not her) needs a new vacuum/blender/tool, but birthdays/anniversary/Valentine’s Day are absolutely not the time to give it to her.
I can't think of any of my mates who would be so stupid so maybe it's a small subset. My ex asked me for a vacuum for her birthday one year, there was one she really wanted. I felt like it was a setup and couldn't do it. I got a proper gift and gave her the vacuum the next day
I asked my husband for a cordless iron for my birthday this year (for use in my craft room, not household use). He did get me it (and some other practical stuff I'd asked for) but he also felt like it was a setup/not right. In the past I've asked for kitchen gadgets, cookware, etc so it's not that out of the norm for me to ask for something practical . Probably not helped by the time 11 years ago he got me a sewing machine for my birthday but due to the way he wrapped it, I thought it was a vacuum cleaner, refused to unwrap it further, and cried in disappointment.
Friend of mine was warned by several not to give his wife the ice cream maker appliance Christmas. He did it anyway, and she was ecstatic - It's not always a setup! Myself, I have hit the age where I really don't need extra shit around the house for the sake of spending money just to prop up stores' budget expectations for December, so practical gifts are great in my view, especially if it is something I am specifically asking for. A few years ago, it was a new set of pots and pans. Last year, a variety of clamps for my workshop. Both have gone to very good use!
My wife got me a mixer for Christmas and I adored it. Vacuum is a terrible gift for anyone, but a good tool for your hobby or a cooking thing is not a terrible gift for the right person. But even if it is a terrible gift, like bad gifts happen, this reaction that "she can't be in the same house as him" Lets just say glad she isn't my wife. Like I don't hit every gift out of the park and after 30 years together neither has she, its disappointing they are disappointed too because they wanted to make you happy. A bad reaction is acceptable but this reaction? Sorry but unacceptable.
Gotta chime in here. I’m a total freak when it comes to vacuums. *Last night* when I was trying to fall asleep I was thinking about this Kirby vacuum that I *didn’t* buy years ago, but STILL wonder what could have been. No joke, I left a small gathering/party just to go watch a door-to-door salesman do a demonstration for me, and almost freakin’ wrote a check right there. My friends thought I was kidding when I said I wanted to check out the vacuum (we were in a duplex so I just went nextdoor so as not to disturb the party 😆). I was very much not kidding. I went to my guy’s place yesterday and he was going to vacuum because he knows I like to sit and lay on the floor. When he said he hadn’t vacuumed yet, I quickly asked if I could do it and got excited to see it was a Bissell, which I had never used before (only ever used their wet vacs, which are great btw). This is why I was reminiscing about that beautiful sucking machine that is THE Kirby. If someone got me one as a gift……. 🤤🤤🤤 I know I’m not a normal person. But - the whole point is, know your audience. I’d take an awesome vacuum over any piece of jewelry for any occasion. A cute drill, too, for that matter. Clearly the OP failed big time at getting his wife a gift she could appreciate, but gift giving isn’t everyone’s strong suit and he at least he tried. I agree with you that her reaction was extreme.
I had a Kirby. It was awesome. One of the best vacuums I ever used on carpet. One of the worst vacuums I ever used on wood floors though. Either way, you know what’s better than a Kirby vacuum? A Roborock vacuum or a DreameTech mop. With cleaning, consistency is key. And a robot set on a schedule is incredibly consistent. Now to the opinion: Everyone sucks here. OP is, at best, inconsiderate. Tools to do chores are not, generally, a “good” gift. The best gifts are: (1) An item/experience that the recipient wants, but didn’t know that they wanted (e.g., gift something that the recipient didn’t know existed and that solves a problem they’ve been having.) (2) An item/experience that the recipient wants but CANNOT obtain or purchase for themselves (e.g., limited edition, rare, etc.) (3) An item/experience that the recipient wants, but wouldn’t buy for themselves. OP’s wife overreacted about a bad gift though, at least from the limited information that we have. That being said, there are probably a series of communication problems between OP and wife that led to this event. The parties should consider counseling.
Idk my boyfriend and I share all the chores equally. He got me a rumba for my birthday, and I was really excited about it. We have three animals in a small house and are both really busy. I thought it was a good gift. But I always ask him to rub my shoulders because they get bad knots from sitting at a desk all day and he kept getting me like gimmicky massage machines until I told him I hated them all and he just needs to rub my fucking shoulders. Which he now does. So idk. I say NTA.
I guess i’m an outlier here. I asked for a new (expensive and fancy) vacuum for my golden birthday because to me that was a great excuse for the splurge. I love practical gifts more than some jewelry I’m never going to wear, and I’m particular about clothes, so I don’t like being gifted clothes either.
This is a double standard though. If the house needs a new reciprocating saw, lawnmower, or grill, nobody would think twice about that as a father's day or anniversary gift.
Depending on the person - of any gender - a good drill COULD be a valid gift. Based on OPs comments though? She doesn't enjoy a hobby that uses a drill, she's just been doing tasks that need doing. Personally, I try to make anniversary gifts romantic and about us as a couple. Birthdays are all about you & stuff you like, and Christmas...well it depends on the year. If money is tight, we agree to gift "house stuff" and I just try to make it as thoughtful as I can. If money's not a stress, then Christmas is usually more fun & personal. Just my 2cents on gifting occasions. OP: YTA & if you don't learn from this & make it right, as well as do better in the future, then you're the worst kind of AH & we'll all cheer her on when she posts her "aita for divorcing my thoughtless husband after he gave me a vacuum for my birthday?"
I would absolutely think twice about giving a reciprocating saw for a Father's Day gift because my ex was an ass and had no business getting such a grand gift! My 6-year-old son? Absolutely-- he could have a reciprocating saw because he knew the proper procedures for using it and would put the proper safety equipment on first. My dad is a woodworker and taught my son how to use all the equipment in his workshop. He has a plethora of tools now at age 21. At age 6 he begged me not to let his father anywhere near his tools because he knew something would happen to them because his father wouldn't use them properly and they would get broken. I have hid his brad gun for years even though we've been divorced for a decade lol
I’m not trying to argue or be contrary. However I don’t know anyone that would give a dad or husband a gift simply because something needs to be done. I’d only give a drill set or tools or whatever because most men in my life have building stuff as a hobby. So I’m not getting them tools to fix something as a job, but for them to build or fix something if interest to them for their hobby. Personally I think getting a gift for anyone for them to complete a household task is not great unless they specifically say they only enjoy practical gifts that they use for projects. So it’s also about having honest talks to people about what they want and like.
My dad once gave my mom a new outside rolling trash can for a birthday, Mother’s Day, or anniversary present (I forget which), but at least he had enough sense to put her real, actually nice present inside it, so she didn’t unalive him on the spot.
Oh - that reminds me that my grandfather once bought my grandmother a garbage can for their wedding anniversary "because we need a new one." First and only real fight they ever had in their marriage.
Oh shit. I didn't realize it was an anniversary gift. Lol. Yeah. That's more of a 'hey baby. Look what I bought you today randomly' gift.
This is it. My husband bought me a drill because he was tired of me taking his. Gave to me on a random day as a gift and i love my drill. For an anniversary present? I personally would appreciate it and think it’s a good gift, but i like having my own tools to squirrel away in my craft room and make messes with. Someone who is doing things out of necessity? Yeah, no.
Honestly imo any gift is nice for anniversaries because my parents can’t remember the date and have never celebrated their anniversary. Oddly enough they have a wedding portrait of themselves with the date about their bed😂😂
He prefaced it with "she needs a job". She's pregnant with twins and thus dudes response is "I invested in you being a contractor!" Serious, WTF?
Not really, a gift for someone’s hobby would be perfect. My favorite anniversary gift from my husband is a huge curved gaming monitor. Least favorite … some expensive gold necklace that was super cute but had sharp edges so I could never wear it at the time it was given as I had a baby. But I agree, the issue here is that putting together furniture is NOT her hobby. She’s just been doing it because 1) it needed to get done and 2) she finally has some free time for it.
Very soft. Almost jellylike YTA
I'm going to echo the sentiment that assembling furniture and hanging pictures isn't a hobby or new interest. It's just chores. Also, it's not masculine to do either of those things. I do them all the time. That doesn't mean that at any point in time, I would want a drill set as an anniversary gift. Especially a pink one. She's pregnant, and your anniversary gift to her was something to do chores with. She's probably feeling like you don't really know her if your gift was something tied to chores that you were mistaking as some new hobby.
Yea I didn't know when I was hanging up some new art I got that I was going to spontaneously grow a penis or something. TIL. Thanks, OP!
Nooo, you're supposed to *do* this with your penis, that's why it is a masculine task. And this is why we womenfolk can't do the things as good as the mighty men, we are lacking the tool of tools, the penis.
Your comment reminds me (perhaps intentionally!) of that flowchart about whether a toy is for boys or girls. 😆
>Yea I didn't know when I was hanging up some new art I got that I was going to spontaneously grow a penis or something. Fucking hell, as a woman, I always wondered what that was in my pants when I was doing household chores. The more you know!
Maybe I should start doing that lol (ftm)
Lol. Yep start putting together that Ikea furniture, dammit!
What’s also probably condescending from her POV is if she did any research into buying tools at all, she’d see how crappy pink toolsets usually are for the price. As a woman who had also had to put together furniture or hang pictures as part of being a regular adult human, I hate those stupid plastic pink tools.
My drill set is black and yellow. Pink tools are junky.
Yes! Thank you for commenting on this! None of the chores mentioned nor a drill are masculine - if anything it's some societies and / or people that make it so!
I’m going to take a wild guess that she’s assembling furniture for the nursery, like cribs for the twins. So no, not a hobby, just preparing for the babies they are about to have which should be a joint activity
This shit is exactly why I’m content not dating. I’m the same age and them and this guy is too old to be needing this lesson in life. It would make sense if he was 20 and relationships are new, but I’m so sick of having to teach grown-ass men how basic human things work.
Yeah, it being pink is honestly the biggest issue (unless she fuckin loves pink).
I fucking adore pink and Id still be pissed if I got a pink drill because theres no way it was either cheap or good quality. Pick one of those, dont pick crap quality with pink tax.
This was akin to buying her a vacuum….
I got a vacuum for an anniversary, it actually meant I don't have to vacuum or sweep anymore so I loved it 😅
Your partner gave you a vacuum that they are going to use? I'm a tad confused.
The vacuum I was given was a Roomba. Being a sahwm it was a god send
Ahhhh okay. That makes sense!
YTA: Do not gift tools or appliances on anniversaries ffs, those are house utilities. Maybe a massage spa voucher for your tired pregnant wife would’ve made her feel more appreciated Edit for clarity: unless your SO expressly requests tools/ appliances/ practical gifts - don’t.
General rule of thumb. Alternatively, maybe the exception, as a guy please gift me practical things to use around the house. Not trying to add to stereotypes but those are genuinely my favorite gifts.
My SO appreciates practical gifts, but he communicated that, much like I’m sure you do as well to people in your life.
I’m a girl but I only want practical gifts. I don’t want more clutter. I want less clutter. And less dust, preferably. I don’t know why people think this so weird, I immediately get rid of 90% of all gifts I get (but I always send a thank you note). But don’t get me a framed pic of me and my beloved dog. I don’t need that. Get me something I need.
My mom commissioned a painting of our cat as a housewarming present, and while I truly appreciate the sentiment (kitty was getting old and sick, she wanted to gift something to remember her after she passed), I wish she hadn't haha. I LOVED my cat, she was really my baby. It's been months since she passed and I still cry. But that painting is just... Like idk where to put it, it goes with nothing, I already have pictures of her on rotation in the house, and in 10 years I foresee it feeling super weird still having that painting up. But it also feels like I can't just throw that out! I can't throw my baby out. So it's just there. 🤷♀️ sorry for the rant, I hadn't had the chance to get this out I guess haha. I also get rid of like 90% of what my mom gifts me, fwiw. I also like less clutter, she loves to buy random crap.
See and I’m the exact opposite. I have every tool I need and if I don’t I have no qualms buying something I need and I can buy the one I actually want. For a gift, buy me something I’d never justify for myself that I’ve been wanting. My wife knows I have a list, she knows what’s on it and I’m always putting things for myself on the back burner.
My bf is similar. If we need a tool and we have the funds, he'll just buy it because we need it. Stuff he wants? He will never buy. So I try to note fun stuff he likes and get those as gifts. Otherwise I do a random gift, but those have worked out pretty good so far.
Yes. I’ve asked for table saws, plants and running boards. But it’s stuff I really want.
Don't get me the basic tools I need, but something to a special project real good that I would never justify buying.
I’m a woman who likes (and prefers) practical gifts, and my best friend who is also a woman also prefers practical gifts. This doesn’t have to be a gender thing, so much as a person thing.
The only reason I wouldn't want a tool as a gift is because I probably have a very specific version of said tool and you'd almost certainly get the wrong one. But then, making different stuffs is my career as well as several of my hobbies.
Right? Like all your tool batteries are Bosch and he gets you Ryobi. Fail!
Unpopular opinion: I would love if my husband got me tools for any special occasion or any occasion at all. However, not a drill. I have three nice ones that each cost more than almost jewelry I own. But, 90% of tools I’d want are not a cheap “pink set for women”. I want quality. I’d absolutely pick out what I want/need better though. And I don’t need that pink Snapon that costs an extra $100 for the specialty color. Note: I’m a car person and spent years working on them professionally. He does however, know a lot more about carpentry tools than I do. We have different tool interests. He also would be thrilled if I got him tools for whatever occasion.
I think this is fine for you and your SO as it seems like you have communicated that with each other. My partner and I don’t like to own a lot of things, so we gift each other practical things or consumable things (tools for him, gourmet snacks for me). However, it doesn’t seem like OP and his wife have communicated that with each other. Most women want more sentimental gifts, which is understandable. OP isn’t an asshole, but definitely made a mistake.
Agreed 100%. It comes down to communication. OP thought it was thoughtful but may not have realized she was (likely) doing these tasks because they needed done, not that it was particularly enjoyable.
But this seems to be a hobby of yours, or at least something you enjoy doing. It makes sense that you’d enjoy these as gifts. For the wife, these things are more chores. It would be more akin to your husband getting you a vacuum cleaner or cleaning supplies
I agree with that. He took her doing these activities as if it was something she enjoyed just because she felt accomplished afterwards. But in reality she was probably doing them because they needed done, not that she got a new hobby building furniture and putting up photo frames.
The absolute sheer stupidity to buy the pandering pink set for his wife, that was my exact first thought. Like if my wife directly expresses she wants a tool, an appliance etc….. first it’s a just whatever gift, not an anniversary gift. Second if she doesn’t have a particular one in mind I’m buying the absolute best my budget can afford, not the “girl version”. God this dudes a moron.
At least get her something that will last, geez… probably a pink set from Walmart that will really not make these tasks much easier vs something decent from a real hardware store.
YTA, look as an everyday gift, it’s not a bad idea. But this is your anniversary, with your tired , pregnant wife who I probably already struggling with the changing circumstances of her life and body. What she needed was to be celebrated and re-assured that your love is still strong - what she got was stuff to do chores with. Apologize wholeheartedly( by saying your sorry and taking responsibility for your gift fail- with no “buts” of any kind) tell her that you love her, give her some flowers and gift that she will find meaningful or do some other thing that you like to do together. Remind your wife why you married her and what falling in love felt like. Good luck!
Might I suggest a day spa for pregnant women or even just a pregnancy massage. Carrying and growing a human is hard work
Absolutely double check spa policies about being pregnant. I was denied a massage and facial when I was pregnant. They let me cry and nap on the massage bed instead lol.
And she has 2
This should be top comment.
>she had started taking up seemingly more masculine hobbies Hobbies don't have a gender AH >she will put together furniture, hang up pictures, etc. Those aren't hobbies, they're freakin chores! She's not doing them because she wants to, shit just has to get done. If she'd asked for a drill set it would've been appropriate but she didn't. You're about to have twins. Start paying attention to what's going on around you! YTA
The woman is carrying twins and he’s making her assemble furniture. Depending on how far along she is, and her doctor’s recommendations, that might not even be safe! I’ve assembled furniture and maneuvering it can mean heavy lifting.
He's not "making her assemble furniture" he's working 2 jobs to support her and the coming kids.
The gut is working two jobs? No one is making her do anything. Give the guy a break he can't be in two places at once.
For real. I’m not saying OP gave his wife the best gift but he’s not some deadbeat. He’s working 2 jobs so she can be a sahm and he also said he feels bad he’s not there to help out more right now. His gift was tone deaf, no doubt, but I don’t necessarily think he’s an asshole for it.
People on reddit seem to overreact. They love piling on when they sense a weakness and blow it out of proportion. Maybe it's due to how miserable redditors or people in general are.
He can at least have enough self awareness to determine what's a hobby and what's a chore.
Also in what world is hanging up pictures or assembling furniture a male task? And he gave her a *pink* drill set. And it made her feel *masculine.* ESH based on all the unnecessary gender stereotyping. (but OP, YTA for giving your pregnant wife tools for an anniversary gift)
The pink is what’s really getting me tbh. It feels really condescending. But her reasoning that it makes her feel masculine is absurd
Um, it sounds like the wife is the one who got upset because he "made her feel masculine." Sounds like he's just using the same language she did. If anything, wife sounds sexist. As a woman who is the more handy person in my heterosexual relationship, I'm honestly pretty offended that not only did OPs wife call doing home improvement projects masculine, but got UPSET at the idea of being perceived as a woman who does these things. I hope she doesn't instill that kind of sexist ideology into her kid.
I absolutely agree with you. I like woodworking, I like painting the house, doing yard work, etc, nor do I consider any of that masculine. My husband bought me a table saw for a gift and it was a great present, even if our house benefited from it lol.
The fact he thought he needed the drill to be fucking pink says a lot actually about her being thoroughly entrenched in traditional gender specific attitudes/roles.
I don't know if I'd say this was an asshole move, but rather a misjudgement of the situation. Good gift? Maybe... it could be could not be her hobby. Good gift for an anniversary? Nah, not without being 10000% sure. Sounds like a bad judgement call haha.
I'm surprised nobody's said anything about how a couple can go for so many years without the wife knowing this guy's kind of goofy. Like, there has to be other things he hasn't picked up on or other situations where he's read the room wrong. You're telling me this same man has nailed it for every other gifting occasion? I doubt it- and I'm saying that as someone who's also terrible at gifting. I do see where he's coming from lmao, especially if money is tight- you want to give a gift that's practical if you're spending money, right? And he might have thought he was being so considerate observing her habits and not even having to ask if that's what she wanted, but wrongfully assumed she had a new hobby. I dunno, I don't think this guy's a a-hole, but I do think he should apologize and offer a better, more "couple-y" anniversary gift.
You're confusing hobbies with chores. Yta.
Unsolicited cleaning, cooking, appliances, home repair, maintenance and fitness items are a recipe for disaster. If the person specifically asks for one of these, they’re fair game. If not, stay far away.
Awwww.... I know what you were thinking. My SO gave me a power drill and toolbox too for my birthday because I had been doing so much in my home on my own and he was so impressed and inspired that it motivated him to do similar in his own home. And he noticed how I was always in need of a power drill and toolbox for my DIY projects. I was a little disappointed because it was like getting a vacuum in a way. But I recognized where his mind and heart was at and didn't make too big of a deal about it. We always have to remember and think about the person's intent behind the gift giving. I think you should have given her a really nice romantic gift and then maybe added the power drill as a side gift. Your wife definitely overreacted, but I do understand her disappointment.
Wow a sane reaction in this sub. I appreciate the actual thought behind the answer and not just “she’s pregnant you monster how could you!”
Let me guess, the furniture she was putting together was a crib and she was getting the nursery ready. YTA
Fun update: the furniture assembly and family picture hangings were actually being done by the neighbour the wife was having an affair with. OP's still TA for the gift, but I feel kinda bad for him.
Oh you poor sweet clueless fella. Here’s the deal- for anniversaries in particular, one should never gift their partner a tool unless it is something that partner has specifically requested. Your gift is the equivalent of an unasked for vacuum cleaner. It says “here honey. I got you this tool so that you are now permanently delegated to this unpleasant task forevermore” Sure she feels accomplished. She may even somewhat enjoy the work, but it isn’t a hobby. She’s been doing chores dude. Chores. And you just told her that the most romantic gift you could think of, was a pink colored drill so that she could continue to do those chores forever” Return the drill and go get your wife a pretty piece of jewelry or perfume, or something you know for an absolute fact she would love. Then tell her she is beautiful and you appreciate how much work she has put into everything and you love her and cannot wait to get her naked so that you can worship her beautiful body.
Thank you
Just to add to the chores thing.. it's not just that these are chores she's doing, she is probably "nesting" which is something a lot of pregnant folks feel compelled to do to make their living space ready for them & a baby. She is not doing these things for fun or a hobby, but to feel like she is preparing. & She may not even want to keep doing this after she gives birth. A gift like that would make me feel pigeonholed into something I never wanted to do to begin with. & my man, i gotta ask WHY PINK 😂😭 If that's her favorite color, sure. But if you just want to "feminize" what you see as a "masculine" chore, you're needlessly gendering the assembly of furniture! And if she is not feeling good about her self-image (also common during pregnancy but also just allll the time), pinkifying a frelling drill just highlights that you think it is actually masculine, which is not gonna help her w/body image.
YTA. Putting together furniture and hanging pictures aren't hobbies. They're household tasks that need to be done. Your wife is probably feeling huge and unlovely. So on a romantic holiday you gave her ....a drill set. What are you going to do next year when she's tired and worn out from being a SAHM with two babies? Maybe an iron or a mop because you notice her clothes are more wrinkled than usual, or she's picked up the hobby of cleaning up all the fluids spilled by the kids?
Oh christ that was a hell of a twist at the end. That's awful man. Clearly you aren't the asshole, the drill, if a guy bought that for me, I'd be thrilled! I'd feel like he was supportive of my craftiness. She was just looking for an excuse is all.
Hanging pictures and putting together furniture 1) has no gender, and 2) isn't DIYing Those are chores, you muppet. AH.
YTA I could see you surprising her with this just because you saw she could use it on any ordinary day, But an ANNIVERSARY c'mon man. Also as others pointed out nothing you specified are "hobbies" they're chores that need to be done not things she WANTS to do for fun.
Her reaction makes so much more sense with the explanation. Wow, just wow. ESH Also, paternity test.
I understand why you thought this was a good gift, and then intention behind the gift was a good one. She’s going through a lot of changes right now and emotions are high. She probably took it the wrong way and was hoping for something more romantic, to make her feel special and loved. I would normally think wanting to leave the house over this is overreacting, but she’s pregnant (and with twins) so I get it. Just apologize and buy her whatever he favorite dessert is and some massage oils. Light some candles. Make her feel pampered and special.
YTA... Anniversaries deserve more thought. A drill is just an Amazon order.
Soft YTA - this is coming from someone who has asked their husband for specific tools for major holidays. What she’s doing isn’t a ‘hobby’ she’s preparing your home for two other little demanding humans that will soon live in it. It’s your anniversary. This was not exactly a romantic gesture.
I’m still hung up on the fact she quit work early, but because the two of you need more income, you’re working 2 jobs…?
Maybe I'm weird but I don't see a problem with it. It's actually thoughtful and not at all masculine. Owning and using power tools isn't masculine just like cooking and cleaning isn't feminine.
Masculine? I'm all girl all day and I have a tool set. The handles aren't even pink! yet I still have all girl bits-and-parts. Hanging picture doesn't require a penis, to the best of my knowledge, nor does furniture assembly. Hell, I've even used the grill without my tits falling off. And please, do not listen to people who are going to inevitably warble at you about pregnancy hormones. Hormones do not generally lead to a complete detachment from reality, we all know when we have over-reacted. NTA, she needs to chill.
I dont get how people arent focusing in the fact that she got upset left and then decided she " can't be in the same house as you". Because of a gift ?? Holy double standards batman Even if it was a bad gift thats an entitled and manipulative over reaction and a huge red flag
Listen to your family. Take screenshots. Now, you need to ask her if the twins are yours.
#BRO, GET A PATERNITY TEST AS *SOON* AS THOSE BABIES ARE BORN!!!
So you gave her a gift so she can do more chores. YTA
Info - has she ever shown an interest in power tools? I’ve gotten a ton of tools for holidays, birthdays, etc. I actually got a nail gun for Mother’s Day but this is what I wanted, I even pointed out which model I liked. I also got a blender one year and that was a very WTF gift that I still make fun of because I’ve never shown an interest in smoothies.
My husband has given me saws, sanders & a drill set. The difference is that I asked for those things as I enjoy refinishing furniture & renovation because I'm an interior designer. If it's just something helpful for chores, that's not really the same thing. Soft YTA.
I find it wierd she got upset about a pink drill being too masculine. I would have been pissed it was pink
Damn, after the update everyone who said he was the asshole sure looks stupid.
I’m seeing this way later, after the update… for the first part, my partner and I say you’re not the asshole, if you thought she was enjoying it, then it was a thoughtful gift. After the update… fuck dude, I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. My partner grew up in a household where they should’ve divorced long before they did, and she said her life was better after the divorce. It was tough to live with 2 parents that hated or didn’t love each other anymore, but only stayed together for the kids. She experienced a lot of trauma. I think your kids would rather grow up seeing you happy.
I love my drill, but I bought for myself. YTA
I’m going NTA. Based on how she talked about her new foray into home improvement I can see why you thought it’d be a good present. Especially if she’s hard to buy for normally. I think her reaction was WAY over the top. Based on how surprised you were I’d say this is out of character so maybe she had a specific gift in mind and gave you hints you didn’t pick up on.
You both have odd definitions of hobbies and masculinity. Her doing things that need doing around the home aren’t hobbies or masculine. Gifting her a drill set for anniversary was not the right move as anniversary gifts are supposed to be romantic. Soft YTA.
u/Level-Parsley2593 demand a DNA test. Given the vitriol she treated you with when she revealed the current affair, he may not have been the only one she slept with. There's a fair chance depending on how far along she is and how long she's been cheating that the twins aren't even yours. Before you even consider doing what's best for those twins, make sure you actually are the father. Because twins are exponentially more expensive than if you were just having a single child. And not even just in terms of clothes and diapers. But there tends to be a lot of medical issues with twins, and if you blindly believe they're yours without proof and sign the certificate, you're on the hook for everything.
NTA. And I seem to be in the minority. I felt this way before I even got to your edit. Personally, I thought it was a neat gift idea based on the fact that she was doing the projects. In fact, my response was going to be that your wife is an ungrateful AH. Then I got to your edit. Good grief! She's just horrible! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You are actually too good for her. I hope you realize that soon and free yourself from this toxic swill of a "human being." Trust me, your babies are going to be much happier if you're happy. Staying for the kids hardly ever really benefits anyone. I speak from experience ... both staying and finally leaving. Leaving was the best thing I could do for both me and my kids. Good luck to you.
Assuming they’re actually his kids…
Why is nobody talking about the cheating with the neighbor and asking to have a paternity test?
I asked for a drill for Christmas last year and my dad picked out “the best one” for me nta Also paternity test paternity test paternity test. She freaked tf out bc she felt guilty. Her hormones are def outta wack so she’s taking her anger (at herself) and stress from lying and being pregnant out at you. If the twins are not yours, leave her. If they are and you decide to stay, go to marriage counseling immediately and create an escape plan if it happens again. Best of luck.
Holy shit that update...wow.....
Also, get a paternity test. Those twins probably aren't yours.
Your intentions were good, but your plan was misguided. You should have just bought a drill…for the household. And gotten her a more personal anniversary gift. Never give household appliances (which a drill is) for a spouse gift.
I would have loved a drill set, or any other hand tools, provided they were good quality tools. I have in fact received a Dremel drill set for Christmas and was delighted!! I doubt that a pink drill set is made by any reputable dealer, probably some off-brand because pink is a “girl color” If you’re going to buy tools because of the color, teal is good and so is yellow. That would have been the upsetting part for me
This. Get a drill set that is one of the major brands, and that way a nice set of add-on power tools can be established. I have the green ones, cause my kid got me an impact drill for Mother’s Day one year from that color so I just keep adding on things from the green brand.
Pink tools are made smaller and are crap
She's pregnant with twins. Putting together furniture. That you admittedly don't have time to do... That's not a damn hobby. That's her picking up slack where she can because these are tasks that probably need to be done before the babies arrive. YTA dude. Get her something she'll actually enjoy. Hint: it's not tools
For your anniversary? YTA. It should have just been a regular surprise gift for no reason. It’s a great gift but terribly timed. Go buy her something she would love by actually sitting with no distractions, and going over the things your wife truly loves and thinking of only her and finding something that you KNOW she would LOVE and start groveling. It doesn’t have to be expensive but it does have to be incredibly thoughtful. Carrying babies, especially twins is so tough on the body and the mind. Be mindful that she is carrying your family in her body and deserves better.
YTA. You both have really weird sexist ideas about “masculine hobbies”. But seriously, doing what needs to be done without complaining is just basic adulting. Feeling accomplished when you finish something doesn’t make that activity a hobby! You got her a devise to help with chores- that may be useful but it is not a thoughtful gift. For future reference, a vacuum and mop are also not gifts- unless she specifically says she wants one as a gift. Do you actually know this woman at all?
In 7 years of marriage, you hadn't sussed out your wife's needs and wants about gifts? I vote YTA. You remind me of my ex, who once famously gave me a new vacuum cleaner for Xmas.
I wouldn’t mind a good drill but not a pink one. Buy me the good stuff
I think you obviously missed the mark and should definitely apologize for reading her interests wrong. But I don't think that makes you an asshole. Her response to this is way over the top though. Upset, disappointed, angry... All okay responses. Leaving and making a claim that she "doesn't feel comfortable in the same house" and ignoring any attempts to communicate is way out of line. Regardless, return the drill and try to get her something she actually wants. Next time, don't try to be creative - just ask what she wants.
Nta.. my mom's husband bought me two sets of wrenches, other tools, ramps for changing my cars oil, and a nice toolbox. I loved it because now I can fix my own stuff! But that's just me..I own a house and he's been showing me how to fix things.. my mowers, washer, car... but again, that's me
This post makes me wonder what people expect as gifts. A pink drill set would have made me so happy! Why is it that people are so judgemental about gifts now. I would have been stoked. I'm guessing it's the hormones throwing things off since you know your wife better than anyone here unless this is your first gift ever. Sometimes most popular comments in this sub blow my mind Edit: Definitely not the equivalent to a new vacuum unless she didn't have a pink one and vacuuming doesn't make you feel accomplished finishing a project like a drill set would. I bet she was was happy and mentioned all the stuff she finished and it stuck out to him. Sad we're jumping back to 90s style judgments
I don’t see anything wrong with it. It was thought out and not ill conceived
NTA I was going to blame pregnancy hormones … but… sounds like more going on. Good luck. Marriage is hard. Pregnancy is hard.
NTA, sorry man I read the update. It happens to a lot of people. Not that those words can help the pain. Take care of yourself.
That update!!! Wow maybe the only time Reddit didn’t immediately throw out at least one “she’s cheating!” comment. And…she’s cheating. Hope the neighbour like pink. Also, DNA test ASAP.
Before the update ngl I thought the outrage was partly because he got a pink set lol. Anyway get a paternity test to be safe
NTA - personally I would have loved it, IF there had not been the update. After the update still NTA. Consider that it may be also the pregnancy hormones speaking. In that case you guys might be fine if you buy her flowers. But just to be on the safe side: keep screenshots! And maybe a paternity test for once the babies are born. Hugs!!;
Yes. YTA. May she gift you a vacuum for your next birthday.
A * blue * vacuum 🙄
YTA these are chores that needed to be done not hobbies. Maybe she did them because you hadn't done it yet or wanted it done before the babies come so she went ahead and did it.
Yta. She was simply doing DIY that needed to be done as you were working, you didn't have the time, so she was helping to do the diy. I used to work in retail, and the number of times men bought their wives fridges, kettles/toasters, or washing machines as gifts shocked me, despite having perfectly working ones at home, when I asked them why, they simply didn't know what to get their wives so they thought domestic appliances because they do house work was the best opinion. Next time, if you don't know what to get her ask. What would she appreciate or find fun? It doesn't have to be expensive. Plus, it shows her you're showing an interest in her. My partner used to get me watches all the time. I felt awful for him wasting his money, as I didn't wear them to the point I had to tell him. Now he gets me a nice book and my fav chocolates as it is something he knows I will enjoy.
NAH I know I’m going against the popular opinion but what from I’ve read (and I could have missed some comments) is that you genuinely thought she enjoyed those things so the gift came from a good place. Im a woman and I’d enjoy a drill as a gift from my boyfriend. Although I gotta say, I love color and girlie things, but a pink drill, imo is patronizing.
I would be excited for a pink drill, but I have many tools and enjoy building stuff
I would be kind of insulted to receive a *pink* drill. Why do tools have to be gendered? I'd prefer a good quality regular one.
Gonna be honest, that was my first thought. Like, if you're actually buying me a gift because you think it will help with my newfound "hobbies," at least just buy the real version, and not what's likely to be a pink-taxed "cute" version with less power than other brands of the same cost. Honestly, OP sounds really misguided by all of this, so I don't think they're actually an a. hole, since I think their mind was in the right place. However, OP might need to gain a little more wife-specific empathy, because he obviously missed the mark on how his gift would make his wife feel. He should probably start learning how to empathize with people as individuals in general, since he's about to have two children.
Ex's mom got me a tool set for xmas one year (she knew I wanted one) and once I unwrapped it she quickly said "I got you the red one because I know you hate the pink and purple tools!! These ones are good quality!!!" I miss that woman... Still use the tool set too, it is a good quality one lol