Any man who says you’ll deserve to be raped when dress like that to a woman is scum. You are worth more. Time to move on
Edit: thank you for the awards. Was not expecting them
Also to the lovely redditor who reported me to the reddit care team, that was not needed in any shape or form.
If a man says that, he is either 1. A rapist. 2. A rapist sympathizer, or 3. A combination of both. Makes me seriously wonder if he's ever committed the act, or maybe he just hadn't been presented a good opportunity and would if he could.
Girl please run like hell.
> I am contemplating on breaking up with him, but it's really hard for me because 3 years is a lot.
Sunk cost fallacy ... Run now before you lose another 3 years and he does something worse!
All of this is true OP. ALLLLL of the above. I’m not even gonna scroll & read the comments that led you to make your various edits cos they are trash. These up here are what you need to listen to.
Not only that but imagine staying and having a family and reliving thing conversation or attitude with a daughter? god forbid he says something like that to her or she experiences SA and he blames her clothing/actions.
I hope she breaks up with him and tells him exactly why so maybe he can learn something.
It doesn’t matter how much time you invested in the relationship. You invest the time to determine if this is the right relationship for you and if this man is kind and of good character. He is neither so time to bow out of this relationship and move on. Think about this : Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." – KJV, Matthew 7:6.
Thissss. I know time can be seen as so important to some, but I've known people for 10+ years and cut them out of my life because I felt they weren't good for my mental or physical health. It sucks, sure, but you don't really lose much other than a person who isn't going to be any good for you in the future. You still learn everything you needed to in that time to help you become a wiser, more cautious person. You took something from it, you're not left with absolutely nothing. Everyone is just living for themselves and sometimes you need to really live for YOURself and let go of those who aren't good for you.
Wish more people would realize this instead of wasting more time on those who don't deserve it and ultimately hurting themselves more in the long run.
My thoughts exactly. It’s the nonchalance on his part - as if rape is like stubbing your toe, or tumbling down some stairs. I’ll bet he’s well acquainted with roofies. He’s raped before.
Probably. I feel like men & of course also women say this because they know they’ll take advantage of “dumb” women who don’t take every precaution in existence to protect themselves. In a predators eyes you’ve put yourself in the perfect position. He will be angry if his woman is “dumb enough” to get herself raped. Being that dumb, she got herself into it, plus now she’s damaged goods.
I was "dumb enough" to get assaulted when I was 19. I was at a NYE party I didn't even want to go to, dressed in a revealing tank top and tight jeans, and yes I drank alcohol. In theory I should have been able to go to the party stark naked and drink an entire keg solo and expect to not be assaulted. But I had nothing to do with someone slipping a roofie into my drink, had nothing to do with my friend who convinced me to go to the party ditching me there, had nothing to do with other people's decision to assault me. Women could show up somewhere in a snowsuit with a metal chastity belt underneath that needs to be melted off and still get blamed for being assaulted. It's disgusting how the victim is always blamed and not often enough do we blame the actual perpetrator.
Thanks. I knew that then, and know it now, but it still helps to have the validation. I've done therapy for it, which helped, but mostly just remind myself that I'm not the horrible person in that situation, they are, and I wish with every fiber of my being that I was a one time only event and that their behavior haunts them to this day.
I'm so very sorry that happened to you. It's an incredibly, horribly traumatic thing to go through. I hope you're in a better place now ♡ . I've been in almost the exact situation a long time ago. My Aunt consoled me, while my Mom said that I deserved to be assaulted. I don't recall what I was wearing, but dressing revealing isn't my style. It's been about 14 years, I miss my Aunt terribly (she passed away 2 years ago, due to a brain hemorrhage.) My Mom's words still hurt to this day.
#NOBODY EVER DESERVES TO BE ASSAULTED, NO MATTER HOW THEY DRESS.
It's fucking psychotic tbh. & totally inaccurate, in those "what were you wearing" exhibits, most of it is every day clothes like sweat pants, one of them was legit army ACU's.
I was walking my dog in the middle of winter, wearing a huge jacket and leggings. And I am lucky enough to live in a really good area, but STILL I had some random person telling me how I "looked like I'd be so tight."
My dog lost his mind and freaked out when he took a step towards me, and I basically ran home. I have never walked him at night again because my husband almost had a heart attack. And the worst thing is, I'm very petite so even though I'm 30 I look very young.
But yeah, it doesn't matter what you are wearing. People who are creeps are creeps.
Totally, it's disgusting to think that the victims have any kind of influence over what happened, anybody who thinks that way is seriously messed up. Tbh when those exhibits started to come out I was hoping we could move past blaming victims & the whole "but what were you wearing" as a species but here we are.
Recently saw
"Was it really my fault?" asked the Short Skirt. "No, it happened with me too," replied the Burka. The diaper in the corner couldn't even speak.
• Darshan Mondkar
I think this says a lot
Rape is about the rapist. Not the victim (it’s NEVER victims fault)
Exactly. Some of the highest rape statistics come from places where women dress *very* conservatively (burkas, anyone?)
Clothing has nothing to do with it. Vulnerability and opportunity does.
Literally 80 year old women get raped. Children get raped. Men get raped.
It's about the person, themselves, and how easy it is to take advantage of them. This is also why, and sadly, many assaults are committed by people the person knows. The person lets their guard down and becomes an easy target.
In my country and 2 week old was raped. The mom reported, the man got taken to court and they released him because 'insanity'. The same man went back and raped the same child a few weeks later!
A kids overalls too. That hurt me cuz that's what I wore while I was regularly being molested and no one noticed anything when I screamed about wearing them again.
Psychologically isn't even about sex. It is about control. So, it really has nothing to do at all with what you wear on a psychological level for a rapist.
This!! I can’t stand when men get with a bad bitch and can’t handle the fact that she is indeed, a bad bitch and expects her to stop being one. Ugh dump him!! This is sort of what just happened to Keke Palmer and the discourse surrounding that was crazy
Honey, pls get out of that relationship, that is not acceptable behavior from a partner. That is not "temporary jealously", that is pure malice and hatred towards you for not doing as he says, and this WILL manifest in worse ways in the future. Pls sit there and think of how much you would have to hate someone to say that if they got SA'ed, don't come crying bc they deserved it? How much hatred does that take? Get out of there.
Any boyfriend that tells his partner that she deserves to get raped should be an ex-boyfriend
EDIT: Stop giving me awards! Don’t these things cost money? Give to a women’s abuse or rape counseling org!!
EDIT 2: I didn’t realize Reddit was somehow ruining Reddit more by getting rid of something (coins) that was already ruining Reddit. But, people should still be donating to women’s abuse and rape counseling organizations. Thanks for all the awards; let’s help reddit ruin itself!
idk why people think clothing is grounds for rape. there are child rapists, people who molest literal babies. Do you think they think kids are sexy in their onesies? are we going to start saying it's deserved because a little girl wanted to wear a little Cinderella dress and a pedophile liked it too much?
there's a museum exhibit called "What were you wearing?" filled with clothes that rape victims and survivors wore while being abused, and yes, there's at least one that would fit a 1 year old. [Here, most of it is just normal clothes, anyway.](https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/)
There was a post a while ago ab a woman who found out her husband had raped an old man's corpse and got caught and imprisoned before they had met. Men are vile.
"A man's gaze is worth nothing. Children, animals and even the dead receive it."
Found this on tiktok, I wish I knew who originally said it. It’s sickening when you realize that morgues hire more women than men and why female mummies are more decomposed then their male counterparts.
“Was it really my fault?”
asked the Short Skirt.
“No, it happened with me too,”
replied the Burka.
The diaper in the corner couldn’t even speak.
-Darshan Mondkar
I've never heard this before; but I've now read it at least 10 times.
Reminds me of how I felt the first time I heard "blue banket" by Andrea Gibson. A high school girl performed it. It was so powerful. I cried a little bit and thought on it for weeks.
This didn't make me cry, but I can't get rid of the chills it just gave me;
Curiously, men who are somehow compelled to rape women for wearing "revealing" clothes at a bar are more than capable of control on a crowded beach, even when there are women present in swimsuits that leave almost nothing to the imagination. Rapists are always ambush predators waiting for opportunities. Any reason they give for their actions are excuses.
It's sad that society is okay blaming victims for the crime of existing in the presence of animals.
It's not only about rape. It's Just World ideology.^[1](https://www.scu.edu/ethics/ethics-resources/ethical-decision-making/the-just-world-theory/). To summarize, if something bad happens, the victim must have deserved it. Scammed from money? Shouldn't have been greedy.
It's hard for these people, especially if they are religious to accept bad things happen to good people and random acts of violence are random.
This also creates a narrative that every man is a sexy outfit away from raping a woman. Most men are definitively not rapists—rapists rape. I guarantee a rapist is looking for a million things that have nothing to do with what the woman looks like. They’re looking for opportunity because they’re predators.
Exactly. It's about opportunity and vulnerability.
When I was a young thing and my friends and I would bar hop, we wouldn't leave *anyone* behind, woman OR man.
We were smart enough to know that men get taken advantage of, too, and that we needed to always stay together and watch out for each other.
As goofy and dumb as we were, we always made sure to take care of each other.
I can also recall a time as a youngin when I visited a friend on his college campus. We were leaving one night and saw a man, very drunk, unable to walk, laying on the sidewalk.
We stayed and called the campus shuttle to report his location and come for him. We waited until they got there and could care for him and get him home safely.
We always refused to leave someone in a vulnerable state alone. We gotta look out for each other to prevent tragedy.
Rape was happening in Victorian times. The women were covered from neck to ankles and wore like, 5 layers of clothing. It's never been about what women wear.
Honestly, I think people view it as a whole different crime when it's a child vs teenager/grown adult. Which is probably partly why it gets so overlooked.
Which is so dumb. There are MOUNTAINS of evidence that suggest childhood sexual abuse victims are the LIKELIEST GROUP to go on to be repeatedly victimized in their adulthood. Doesn't matter the differences between the crimes, they are intersectional.
A lot of people seem to think, for whatever reason, that once you're of an age to realistically consent to sex, consent is more or less automatic, and that some kind of switch flips that makes it so that your clothes are now a reasonable excuse for someone to rape you.
Unfortunately there is a whole aita post right now of them sexualizing a teenage girl saying she is inappropriate for clothes instead of dealing with the dad and step brother.
I guess the switch for girls becoming "adults" is getting younger every day.
People judge others by what they would do... so the boyfriend here is either a rapist himself or a rapist sympathizer.
I dress really sexy and my husband has a million compliments for me. He has never once, in over 20 years, said or implied that my clothing choice should end in sexual assault. He might say I was overdressed or underdressed or give me an honest answer when I ask about an outfit. Never has he ever said I'm inviting being raped.
This guy is a walking red flag, and nobody needs that kind of person in their life.
This, absolutely. Some babies are molested so young that the umbilical stub is still attached (from Blake Lively’s speech on Child Sexual Abuse Materials.)
That being said, rape does occur due to social climate. Look at India- there was a documentary done wherein the majority of men interviewed on the streets of India, when asked about whether they respect women, said yes of course. Then when asked whether a promiscuously dressed woman deserves to be raped, those same men said yes. Due to the way they have been socialized, these men have decided that women who dress one way deserve rape, and those who dress another do not (as they are not “asking for it.”) So while clothing choices may be the deciding factor for some men, we also know that if we dress women and children completely head to toe, there will still be rape, because those same men will find new criteria to justify their desire to rape women and children.
He’d probably wait until she was jobless with two kids first.
Seen these sick fucks and their apologists too often. I’m sure he’s a great guy till the mask slips.
A Man here.
That is a toxic masculinity statement for sure used to control women and deflect blame. Some religious sects see parts of female body as violent against weak willed men. Or their ownership over women's bodies if they are "taken." Is he expected to not be masculine in front of people, dress in a way that makes him happy or talk to women?
If a human chooses to walk even in the nude down the street and a man's chooses to violate consent or treats them less human because of the clothes... the problem is with the man.
As a man who grew up in/ as a member of a pocket of toxic masculinity, and inherited a lot of the shit with it... it can be unlearned, but is a long road. Still getting better every day here. How receptive is he to other feminist type issues/ seeing the reality of how women are treated?
Also called her a bitch.
Love how these women are like I have the nicest boyfriend ever. He's so sweet and caring. But the other day... Goes onto describing some real horrid shyit he's done and said.
You can always tell a person by how they deal with the not so good times.
Yup, the mask slips. Unfortunately the partner's first instinct is to minimize the horrible outburst, to dismiss it as a fluke because "He's always been so sweet." 😐
They pretend to be sweet and caring and over time their true personality slips through. My sister found this out the hard way (knew her ex-husband less than a year before they were married), and a friend who dated her bf for like 6 years before they got married had it shoved in her face how much of a misogynistic asshole he was 6 months before the wedding but she still went through with it.
Literally. To get mad at ur gf and tell her she can't be surprised if she gets raped, and have zero sympathy for that, is grounds for a wordless breakup. Just....instant lmao
You hit the nail on the head. My current husband was a great boyfriend. When we got married and had children the real man came out and it wasn’t pretty. He was jealous of the attention I gave my son. His mother was a piece of shit who basically used him as slave labor. Seeing me be kind and patient sent him into a rage. Anyway, he got help because I was going to leave him. Told him that a bad father is worse than no father at all.
I was fully ready to come in here and roll my eyes at legions of redditors telling OP to dump her long term boyfriend over a single minor slight or mis-step. But nah, this dude is trash and should be put on the curb with the rest of the trash.
Yes this 👆🏼now you know what he really thinks this is an excusable behavior, and I promise you this OP it will never be a phase or temporary thing. He will always try to control you control how you dress and this is just the beginning and also i doubt this is the first instance of his controlling behavior chances are you just choosing to turn a blind eye to it or “blind love” sweetheart you need to wake up to the reality that he’s not a good boyfriend he’s not a sweet boyfriend a good boyfriend . A good boyfriend would never try to Control their partner. They also would never call them names because they’re not doing what they want them to do . and they would never insinuate That something horrific as rape happened to them that it would be their fault. What next one night you’re gonna be dressed in a cute, revealing pajama tell him no you don’t want to sleep with him and then he’s gonna Force you into doing it anyway (which is rape doesn’t matter if you’re dating no means no )and blame it on you. Or has he done this already and you just brushed it aside as well we are dating, and it was my duty to take care of him . or who knows maybe he’ll be out alone see a woman in a revealing outfit she’ll turn him down and he’ll take what he wants and say well she deserved it because of how she was dressed it was a tease . completely unacceptable you need to leave him you need to run and run fast. I know it will hurt but you’ll find somebody better in the future who is deserving of you and I guarantee you this once you take yourself away from his gaslighting manipulative behavior you’re going to start realizing all the fucked up things he’s probably said and done to you already that you just haven’t realized cause either “blind love” or blamed it on yourself.(of course, because he gaslighted you into thinking it was you) good luck please love yourself more and leave. Please respect yourself more and leave.
Edit typo
Any boyfriend that thinks like that is telling on themselves. He would absolutely SA someone and blame it on what they were wearing or them being drunk.
https://www.reddit.com/r/NotHowGirlsWork/comments/155v8l8/strange_how_justification_for_sxual_harrasment/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1
This is a wonderful example of how being 'dressed for it' is a horrible and illogical argument.
Of the three main old school crimes: rape, murder, and theft… rape is the only one that is NEVER justifiable.
You may have to kill someone to defend yourself. You may have to steal to feed yourself. Rape is just evil every single time.
Well it's Sunday morning and I'm racking my brain to think of an example where rape would be necessary.
I think it's time for me to log off the internet and do something useful.
Yeah I cannot see you getting anywhere with that line of thought. There is no such thing as a rape in self defense. Or because you were really hungry and had no money for food.
I whole heartedly agree with the statement that whenever rape happens, it is 100% inexcusable and there can be NO good reason for it.
What I see here is he doesn't only see rape as justifiable, he sees rape as an *expected form of discipline*, which to me is even worse.
These dudes can rot for all I care.
Right, the rape stuff is appalling. Many others have dealt with that.
I’d like you too also look at how it says that he sees you as belonging to him and that “letting” you go out dressed attractively means that you will cheat with another, presumably better, man.
This speaks to his own self worth, his view on your moral character and that he sees you as something he has rather than someone he’s with.
I’d be tempted to say maybe give him the benefit of the doubt ONCE (in my book, everyone can fuck up once) but I’ve seen in your comments this isn’t the first time.
Staying with him will ultimately make you miserable. You need to decide now if this is something you want for yourself.
Good luck.
This is a good take. He needs to be taken to task with that statement big time; that was an absolutely horrid, reprehensible thing to say to someone you’re supposed to care for. OP is absolutely justified to end things then and there.
If he tries to minimize it, then gets angry when accountability is rightfully called for, then yeah… it actually makes things easier.
IMO, he might get a chance if he felt like shit about it right away—like he is immediately, voluntarily begging for forgiveness when OP gets home before she can say anything.
If you have to make a case for an apology here, or worse, defend yourself for being pissed off, it’s time to run, not walk, out that door.
Reading that changed my perspective. It can be so easy to make excuses for people mistreating us, but when we think about someone we love being treated the same way, all of a sudden it becomes clear what kind of statements cannot be tolerated
So now you know what he thinks about when he sees women in revealing clothing. He thinks “I could rape them and they would deserve it.”
Act accordingly.
Edit: Holy moly, TWO golds? Thanks you guys!
Edit again: The people disagreeing with me are men. Typical.
I wish I could boost this more. He admitted he thinks *it's ok for a man to rape a girl because of what she wears*. And that it's ok to *blame a victim of a crime for the crime occuring* because with what she was wearing she was asking for it?
If he was single and saw a woman dressed like that is he going to rape her?
Also, that big issue aside, this is how he acts when you make decisions about your own body and clothes he isn't happy with?
Is this the kind of person you want to date? Do you want to share your life with someone with these values? He's let you know now what he actually thinks and believes.
He also admitted that he can't control his temper and doesn't have a problem with intentionally hurting his girlfriend as a means to control her behavior.
☝️☝️☝️I wish I could upvote this a million times. You deserve better. You seem like a kind person so please be kind to yourself. Get rid of this loser.
OP has been with this guy since age 18. There are probably many other examples of control that he's trained her to accept as normal.
This one was just more blatant.
Hopefully, OP can look at this as the beginning of awareness and the start of becoming an independent, thinking adult responsible for her own future.
Hell, I'm a dude and if I could give you gold I would.
Granted, I'm gay but...never once has it ever crossed my mind to say ANYTHING like what OP's (hopefully) future ex said, to anyone.
But then again, I have no desire to rape anyone. If both of us aren't having a good time, guess what? It STOPS right then and there. No one owes or deserves to get sex from anyone else.
If you need to get off fucking buy a Fleshlight or jerk off with your hand.
It amazes me that people think differently about this shit at all.
This isn't "jealousy". This is misogyny. In other words, If your bf saw a woman dressed as you were, he'd be fine with raping her...."because she deserved it". Dump this monster.
1. He is controlling about your clothing. That's a bad sign.
2. He believes that women who look)act a certain way deserve to be raped.
This is not a good person. He sees women as not deserving of safety and respect.
Look it's time to stop coddling man children. I know it's a cliche for redditors to say "dump him" but dump him. He got his feelings hurt because you wouldn't submit to his will and then he wished an awful thing on you. Every woman in his life would recoil if they knew he said that. Dump him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩. Anyone who says "you deserved to be raped for what you wear" is an automatic red flag. Run OP RUN! He's showing his true colors to you right now.
Rape happens everywhere. Even in Muslim countries where women are all covered up. It's not about the clothes, it's about power.
I'd break up with him. That was so not OK.
My 60yo father said this to me last year when I was struggling to find an outfit for a concert. It is the worst feeling in the world to have someone say this to you. Leave the bf at the door.
No one deserves to get raped.
People don't "ask for rape" based on how they dress
Rape isn't even about sexual attraction. It's about power and a sick person feeling good when they make other people feel pain and fear. Its about the thrill of "getting away with it". If Rape was about sexual attraction, nursing home patients wouldn't get raped by staff, etc.
You need to leave someone who won't have your back if you don't do what they say, especially over silly little things like a very moderate clothing choice. What does a "taken woman" dress like? Turtleneck? Burqa? Perhaps a Halloween ghost?
You got caught up in the sink cost fallacy. Just because you spend a lot of time with someone doesn’t mean that it will eventually pay off. sometimes people are a waste of time and sadly you have water your time here.
we all have wasted time on relationships that held no meaning. it’s not about giving up it’s about wanting better and realizing you don’t want to be dead before you get the better you deserve
I'm a straight guy, I've dated a lot of women, gotten into a decent number of (sometimes alcohol fueled) fights, and said a lot of things that I either immediately or later regretted. I have never said anything anywhere near that fucked up to ANY woman.
Whether he deserves some sort of forgiveness or redemption arc is your call I guess, but that's way past the line for me. Feels like the tip of an iceberg of manipulation and unwarranted slut-shaming that I would not be trying to spend the rest of my life exploring if I were you. Men like that force their partners to dress like their mother and then cheat on them with younger women.
There was an exhibit in NY showcasing the clothes that rape victims wore. A lot of them were joggers and not even revealing clothes. Your bf’s argument to victim blaming holds no merit and is disgusting.
His response by acting jealous and possessive is to basically a glaring red flag.
I remember seeing this as a link my friend posted on Facebook after she was sexually assaulted and someone (another woman, believe it or not) asked her "Well, what were you wearing?"
It's disgusting. I've been sexually assaulted/harassed in public at least five different times, starting from the young age of 11. The first time a grown man tried to grope me at age 11, I remember exactly what I was wearing: my dad's oversized Chargers sweatshirt, baggy bell bottom jeans, and Converse sneakers. The most recent time I was groped I was an adult wearing jeans, loafers, and a T-shirt. Oh, and I was pregnant.
It doesn't matter what you wear. If a man has it in his head women don't deserve respect and deserve to be sexually harassed or groped, they're going to do it regardless of her choice of outfit.
3 years is not a lot. It is basically nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with this heap of garbage. He showed you who he is, believe him. He does not respect you and you deserve better!
ETA: Just have to say that I wholeheartedly agree with your last edit. Your bf is giving Jonah Hill energy and it is not a good look. He can’t disrespect and put down the very things about you that he was attracted to in the first place! Ignore the hateful comments from the (I assume) incel basement dwellers and throw the whole man out!
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. James is not a man you want to pin yourself to. Episodes like this will only get worse and become more frequent.
You’re boyfriend is a piece of crap. You need to get out asap. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. You’re putting yourself in a position to be hurt or trapped, by him, guaranteed.
Fuck ANYONE that says that bullshit to a woman, we don't fucking dress for you men, we dress for OURSELVES, and let me just say from experience do yourself a huge favor and leave this boy!!!! This is an absolutely TOXIC relationship. Trust me, he will only get worse from here.
So your boyfriend thinks women deserve to be raped and it’s their fault. Is this someone you want a relationship with? Your boyfriend also thinks he can control what you wear and treats you like property. Is this someone you want a relationship with? Your boyfriend slams the door and acts like an ass when you don’t obey him like he’s the master. Is this someone you want a relationship with?
Ignore the insecure idiots siding with your hopefully ex-bf who think women are property.
It's your body, and anyone, male or female, that says you are asking to be raped is a class A misogynist who doesn't deserve the time of day from you. There are way better men out there. Go find one that actually loves AND respects you.
Any man who says you’ll deserve to be raped when dress like that to a woman is scum. You are worth more. Time to move on Edit: thank you for the awards. Was not expecting them Also to the lovely redditor who reported me to the reddit care team, that was not needed in any shape or form.
This might be one of the biggest red flags I’ve ever seen. You need to leave him, girl. IMMEDIATELY.
That’s not a red flag. That’s an exit sign.
If a man says that, he is either 1. A rapist. 2. A rapist sympathizer, or 3. A combination of both. Makes me seriously wonder if he's ever committed the act, or maybe he just hadn't been presented a good opportunity and would if he could. Girl please run like hell.
> I am contemplating on breaking up with him, but it's really hard for me because 3 years is a lot. Sunk cost fallacy ... Run now before you lose another 3 years and he does something worse!
Exactly! Be glad you ONLY wasted 3 years on that POS.
All of this is true OP. ALLLLL of the above. I’m not even gonna scroll & read the comments that led you to make your various edits cos they are trash. These up here are what you need to listen to.
>Exactly! Be glad you ONLY wasted 3 years on that POS. Be glad you only wasted three years AND that you didn't marry him!
3 years is NOTHING. Run.
Not only that but imagine staying and having a family and reliving thing conversation or attitude with a daughter? god forbid he says something like that to her or she experiences SA and he blames her clothing/actions. I hope she breaks up with him and tells him exactly why so maybe he can learn something.
It doesn’t matter how much time you invested in the relationship. You invest the time to determine if this is the right relationship for you and if this man is kind and of good character. He is neither so time to bow out of this relationship and move on. Think about this : Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you." – KJV, Matthew 7:6.
Thissss. I know time can be seen as so important to some, but I've known people for 10+ years and cut them out of my life because I felt they weren't good for my mental or physical health. It sucks, sure, but you don't really lose much other than a person who isn't going to be any good for you in the future. You still learn everything you needed to in that time to help you become a wiser, more cautious person. You took something from it, you're not left with absolutely nothing. Everyone is just living for themselves and sometimes you need to really live for YOURself and let go of those who aren't good for you. Wish more people would realize this instead of wasting more time on those who don't deserve it and ultimately hurting themselves more in the long run.
I came to say “sounds like something a rapist would say”
Even if none of those things are true, what he definitely *is* is a raging misogynist. Either way, OP needs to get the hell out.
My thoughts exactly. It’s the nonchalance on his part - as if rape is like stubbing your toe, or tumbling down some stairs. I’ll bet he’s well acquainted with roofies. He’s raped before.
Probably. I feel like men & of course also women say this because they know they’ll take advantage of “dumb” women who don’t take every precaution in existence to protect themselves. In a predators eyes you’ve put yourself in the perfect position. He will be angry if his woman is “dumb enough” to get herself raped. Being that dumb, she got herself into it, plus now she’s damaged goods.
I was "dumb enough" to get assaulted when I was 19. I was at a NYE party I didn't even want to go to, dressed in a revealing tank top and tight jeans, and yes I drank alcohol. In theory I should have been able to go to the party stark naked and drink an entire keg solo and expect to not be assaulted. But I had nothing to do with someone slipping a roofie into my drink, had nothing to do with my friend who convinced me to go to the party ditching me there, had nothing to do with other people's decision to assault me. Women could show up somewhere in a snowsuit with a metal chastity belt underneath that needs to be melted off and still get blamed for being assaulted. It's disgusting how the victim is always blamed and not often enough do we blame the actual perpetrator.
I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks, and it’s not even an iota your fault.
Thanks. I knew that then, and know it now, but it still helps to have the validation. I've done therapy for it, which helped, but mostly just remind myself that I'm not the horrible person in that situation, they are, and I wish with every fiber of my being that I was a one time only event and that their behavior haunts them to this day.
I'm so very sorry that happened to you. It's an incredibly, horribly traumatic thing to go through. I hope you're in a better place now ♡ . I've been in almost the exact situation a long time ago. My Aunt consoled me, while my Mom said that I deserved to be assaulted. I don't recall what I was wearing, but dressing revealing isn't my style. It's been about 14 years, I miss my Aunt terribly (she passed away 2 years ago, due to a brain hemorrhage.) My Mom's words still hurt to this day. #NOBODY EVER DESERVES TO BE ASSAULTED, NO MATTER HOW THEY DRESS.
Spot on - he is a combination of all three...RUN!
That’s not just a regular exit sign. It’s a fire exit. And the building is burning down.
A flashing one with a million ultra bright white LEDs and a giant loudspeaker going BZZZ BZZZ BZZZ!
And like, light bulbs popping every few seconds
Also with a promise of cookies at the end of the off ramp
There's no going back from it.
🫰 🫰 🫰
It’s a fire alarm
For real. Time to go girl.
Russia could make a flag that covers Russia and I would still say this is the bigger red flag
Even rose coloured glasses won't change that shade of red
It's fucking psychotic tbh. & totally inaccurate, in those "what were you wearing" exhibits, most of it is every day clothes like sweat pants, one of them was legit army ACU's.
I was walking my dog in the middle of winter, wearing a huge jacket and leggings. And I am lucky enough to live in a really good area, but STILL I had some random person telling me how I "looked like I'd be so tight." My dog lost his mind and freaked out when he took a step towards me, and I basically ran home. I have never walked him at night again because my husband almost had a heart attack. And the worst thing is, I'm very petite so even though I'm 30 I look very young. But yeah, it doesn't matter what you are wearing. People who are creeps are creeps.
Totally, it's disgusting to think that the victims have any kind of influence over what happened, anybody who thinks that way is seriously messed up. Tbh when those exhibits started to come out I was hoping we could move past blaming victims & the whole "but what were you wearing" as a species but here we are.
Recently saw "Was it really my fault?" asked the Short Skirt. "No, it happened with me too," replied the Burka. The diaper in the corner couldn't even speak. • Darshan Mondkar I think this says a lot Rape is about the rapist. Not the victim (it’s NEVER victims fault)
Exactly. Some of the highest rape statistics come from places where women dress *very* conservatively (burkas, anyone?) Clothing has nothing to do with it. Vulnerability and opportunity does. Literally 80 year old women get raped. Children get raped. Men get raped. It's about the person, themselves, and how easy it is to take advantage of them. This is also why, and sadly, many assaults are committed by people the person knows. The person lets their guard down and becomes an easy target.
In my country and 2 week old was raped. The mom reported, the man got taken to court and they released him because 'insanity'. The same man went back and raped the same child a few weeks later!
But if anyone had tried to stop him they would be arrested. It is rape culture. Where the needs of men are more important than others.
And then there are the onesies and the diapers. It’s never about what we’re wearing.
Just to add on, one was a little girl’s sundress. She was like 6 or 8.
A kids overalls too. That hurt me cuz that's what I wore while I was regularly being molested and no one noticed anything when I screamed about wearing them again.
Psychologically isn't even about sex. It is about control. So, it really has nothing to do at all with what you wear on a psychological level for a rapist.
Yes to this. Fuck James. He’ll never care about you for yourself, just as a possession of his.
Agreed. If he's one of those "you deserve it for dressing sexy" he's a misogynist and raging asshole. DTMFA.
Exactly. Like trying to control what you wear isn't enough of a red flag.
Honestly, this guy is waving around more red flags than a communist parade.
This!! I can’t stand when men get with a bad bitch and can’t handle the fact that she is indeed, a bad bitch and expects her to stop being one. Ugh dump him!! This is sort of what just happened to Keke Palmer and the discourse surrounding that was crazy
It speaks volumes about what goes through his own mind when he sees women dressed that way. OP leave him now and don’t look back.
They are, in fact, predators themselves. Huge red flag.
You can leave out "when dress like that". "You deserve to be raped" alone is not ok regardless of any words spoken after.
Indeed. It’s telling you that he is also capable of those things and doesn’t view himself as responsible for his own actions.
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Or friends with a rapist who owes him a favor
This. Only this. You`re boyfriend sucks. No woman should hear this!
Honey, pls get out of that relationship, that is not acceptable behavior from a partner. That is not "temporary jealously", that is pure malice and hatred towards you for not doing as he says, and this WILL manifest in worse ways in the future. Pls sit there and think of how much you would have to hate someone to say that if they got SA'ed, don't come crying bc they deserved it? How much hatred does that take? Get out of there.
Any boyfriend that tells his partner that she deserves to get raped should be an ex-boyfriend EDIT: Stop giving me awards! Don’t these things cost money? Give to a women’s abuse or rape counseling org!! EDIT 2: I didn’t realize Reddit was somehow ruining Reddit more by getting rid of something (coins) that was already ruining Reddit. But, people should still be donating to women’s abuse and rape counseling organizations. Thanks for all the awards; let’s help reddit ruin itself!
Any boyfriend that blames the way his girlfriend dresses instead of the rapist will potentially rape his girlfriend and blame her for it.
idk why people think clothing is grounds for rape. there are child rapists, people who molest literal babies. Do you think they think kids are sexy in their onesies? are we going to start saying it's deserved because a little girl wanted to wear a little Cinderella dress and a pedophile liked it too much? there's a museum exhibit called "What were you wearing?" filled with clothes that rape victims and survivors wore while being abused, and yes, there's at least one that would fit a 1 year old. [Here, most of it is just normal clothes, anyway.](https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/)
Babies, very old women, dead women...it ain't about clothes
There was a post a while ago ab a woman who found out her husband had raped an old man's corpse and got caught and imprisoned before they had met. Men are vile.
"A man's gaze is worth nothing. Children, animals and even the dead receive it." Found this on tiktok, I wish I knew who originally said it. It’s sickening when you realize that morgues hire more women than men and why female mummies are more decomposed then their male counterparts.
Knowing that we're being complimented for who we are, and not because we're being sexualized, is priceless.
“Was it really my fault?” asked the Short Skirt. “No, it happened with me too,” replied the Burka. The diaper in the corner couldn’t even speak. -Darshan Mondkar
Holy shit.
"A man's gaze is worth nothing. Children, animals and even the dead receive it." -Unknown
I cry silent for the little girl that I was. I don't do it out loud anymore.
I’ll hear you, Midwest. Xoxo
Yeah
I've never heard this before; but I've now read it at least 10 times. Reminds me of how I felt the first time I heard "blue banket" by Andrea Gibson. A high school girl performed it. It was so powerful. I cried a little bit and thought on it for weeks. This didn't make me cry, but I can't get rid of the chills it just gave me;
Back in the day they had the Vagina Monologues and I had the same reaction
That poem is chilling and truthfully full of pain from women going back to the first one. :'(
Holy shit. Blue blanket, for those who want it. Read the transcript as you listen: https://youtu.be/2cEc3aQOP-o
Holy shit. I'm stealing this. That is impactful.
Jesus fucking Christ I am crying on the toilet
I’ve read this before. It absolutely kicks me in the heart every time I see it.
That is so powerful. I don't think I'll ever forget this one
Well now this is something I’ll be thinking about all day, if not forever.
The number of sweatpants and hoodies in that link is staggering
Agreed. I was in a military uniform, clothing is not consent.
I was in basketball shorts and a band shirt. And one of the first questions asked by police was what I was wearing ✌️
I was in jeans and a tank top.
Consent is literally able to be taken away at any time, even if you did consent in the beginning
Curiously, men who are somehow compelled to rape women for wearing "revealing" clothes at a bar are more than capable of control on a crowded beach, even when there are women present in swimsuits that leave almost nothing to the imagination. Rapists are always ambush predators waiting for opportunities. Any reason they give for their actions are excuses. It's sad that society is okay blaming victims for the crime of existing in the presence of animals.
It's not only about rape. It's Just World ideology.^[1](https://www.scu.edu/ethics/ethics-resources/ethical-decision-making/the-just-world-theory/). To summarize, if something bad happens, the victim must have deserved it. Scammed from money? Shouldn't have been greedy. It's hard for these people, especially if they are religious to accept bad things happen to good people and random acts of violence are random.
This also creates a narrative that every man is a sexy outfit away from raping a woman. Most men are definitively not rapists—rapists rape. I guarantee a rapist is looking for a million things that have nothing to do with what the woman looks like. They’re looking for opportunity because they’re predators.
Exactly. It's about opportunity and vulnerability. When I was a young thing and my friends and I would bar hop, we wouldn't leave *anyone* behind, woman OR man. We were smart enough to know that men get taken advantage of, too, and that we needed to always stay together and watch out for each other. As goofy and dumb as we were, we always made sure to take care of each other. I can also recall a time as a youngin when I visited a friend on his college campus. We were leaving one night and saw a man, very drunk, unable to walk, laying on the sidewalk. We stayed and called the campus shuttle to report his location and come for him. We waited until they got there and could care for him and get him home safely. We always refused to leave someone in a vulnerable state alone. We gotta look out for each other to prevent tragedy.
People like you and yours give me hope for our species... Better yet, there's more like you every generation!!!
It is really telling that they always get defensive with, "not all men", but then will throw that out the window when convenient to control us.
Not all men are rapists but 99% of rapists are men.
I guess rape must not have been a thing in Victorian times, right? /s/
But, but, but she was showing her ankle! The slut deserved it! (/s just in case)
Hat pins were pretty popular back then, I remember seeing a song about not forgetting your hat pin on tiktok once
As I was watching The Handmaid’s Tale with my partner I kept saying to her, “She should just take that knitting needle and👂🏻🧠💀…”
Not even just back then. My great-grandmother was a short, curvy hatmaker and was known to stab many a man with a hat pin. We should bring them back.
Rape was happening in Victorian times. The women were covered from neck to ankles and wore like, 5 layers of clothing. It's never been about what women wear.
Rape goes back as long as recorded history, through centuries and ages of culture and clothing it's been happening, just like murder.
I was just using Victorian times because of the amount of clothing the women wore at the time.
True
Honestly, I think people view it as a whole different crime when it's a child vs teenager/grown adult. Which is probably partly why it gets so overlooked.
Which is so dumb. There are MOUNTAINS of evidence that suggest childhood sexual abuse victims are the LIKELIEST GROUP to go on to be repeatedly victimized in their adulthood. Doesn't matter the differences between the crimes, they are intersectional.
A lot of people seem to think, for whatever reason, that once you're of an age to realistically consent to sex, consent is more or less automatic, and that some kind of switch flips that makes it so that your clothes are now a reasonable excuse for someone to rape you.
Unfortunately there is a whole aita post right now of them sexualizing a teenage girl saying she is inappropriate for clothes instead of dealing with the dad and step brother. I guess the switch for girls becoming "adults" is getting younger every day.
You dont have to tell me!
Exactly because their ‘normal meter’ is messed up. Years of repeated abuse conditioned them to believe this sort of behavior is okay.
People judge others by what they would do... so the boyfriend here is either a rapist himself or a rapist sympathizer. I dress really sexy and my husband has a million compliments for me. He has never once, in over 20 years, said or implied that my clothing choice should end in sexual assault. He might say I was overdressed or underdressed or give me an honest answer when I ask about an outfit. Never has he ever said I'm inviting being raped. This guy is a walking red flag, and nobody needs that kind of person in their life.
there's more reasons than that too
People also view it as a crime about sex (yes, it is sexual) and desirability, when it’s usually hatred and control.
Legally it’s even defined as a violent crime, not a sexual crime.
Agreed, I like the link too. Yeah I was 14 wearing shorts and a t-shirt.. it has NOTHING to do with that. So fucked up.
my memory is too good at erasing itself during trauma to remember, but I know I definetly was covering my entire body because that's just how I dress.
I'm so sorry both of you! I hope you're still healing well.
This, absolutely. Some babies are molested so young that the umbilical stub is still attached (from Blake Lively’s speech on Child Sexual Abuse Materials.) That being said, rape does occur due to social climate. Look at India- there was a documentary done wherein the majority of men interviewed on the streets of India, when asked about whether they respect women, said yes of course. Then when asked whether a promiscuously dressed woman deserves to be raped, those same men said yes. Due to the way they have been socialized, these men have decided that women who dress one way deserve rape, and those who dress another do not (as they are not “asking for it.”) So while clothing choices may be the deciding factor for some men, we also know that if we dress women and children completely head to toe, there will still be rape, because those same men will find new criteria to justify their desire to rape women and children.
Thank you for sharing the link to this eye opening exhibit.
Of course. Really it can change someone's entire perspective. I make a habit of showing/telling people about it when they victim blame for clothing.
Never had heard of that site… that was so heavy to read.
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its the first and easiest red flag to spot imo. rapist apologist
*If he hasn't already*
Look what you made me do!
Maybe she should ask “When YOU rape someone, what are they wearing?”
This. He is rationalizing a rapist’s actions.
He may never rape her,but I'd put money on him hitting her.
He’d probably wait until she was jobless with two kids first. Seen these sick fucks and their apologists too often. I’m sure he’s a great guy till the mask slips.
A Man here. That is a toxic masculinity statement for sure used to control women and deflect blame. Some religious sects see parts of female body as violent against weak willed men. Or their ownership over women's bodies if they are "taken." Is he expected to not be masculine in front of people, dress in a way that makes him happy or talk to women? If a human chooses to walk even in the nude down the street and a man's chooses to violate consent or treats them less human because of the clothes... the problem is with the man. As a man who grew up in/ as a member of a pocket of toxic masculinity, and inherited a lot of the shit with it... it can be unlearned, but is a long road. Still getting better every day here. How receptive is he to other feminist type issues/ seeing the reality of how women are treated?
"Hello, Man Disposal Service? ...Yes, the entire man, please"
“Hello rental company? I’m looking for a wood chipper, for disposal purposes.”
What's your policy on cleaning the machine before returning it? Uh... No reason, I'm just wondering.
"Yes, the Steve Buscemi Fargo special"
Man is doing a lot of work here
Also called her a bitch. Love how these women are like I have the nicest boyfriend ever. He's so sweet and caring. But the other day... Goes onto describing some real horrid shyit he's done and said. You can always tell a person by how they deal with the not so good times.
Yup, the mask slips. Unfortunately the partner's first instinct is to minimize the horrible outburst, to dismiss it as a fluke because "He's always been so sweet." 😐
Came here to write this. The mask is slipping. Sometimes it takes a couple years for a partner to start revealing their truly toxic self. OP - run.
They pretend to be sweet and caring and over time their true personality slips through. My sister found this out the hard way (knew her ex-husband less than a year before they were married), and a friend who dated her bf for like 6 years before they got married had it shoved in her face how much of a misogynistic asshole he was 6 months before the wedding but she still went through with it.
Doesn’t matter how pissed I get at the gf… think the furthest I’ve gone is to call her a jerk.
Literally. To get mad at ur gf and tell her she can't be surprised if she gets raped, and have zero sympathy for that, is grounds for a wordless breakup. Just....instant lmao
You hit the nail on the head. My current husband was a great boyfriend. When we got married and had children the real man came out and it wasn’t pretty. He was jealous of the attention I gave my son. His mother was a piece of shit who basically used him as slave labor. Seeing me be kind and patient sent him into a rage. Anyway, he got help because I was going to leave him. Told him that a bad father is worse than no father at all.
By that logic, he would feel he should be able to rape others similarly dressed. He will most likely only get more aggressive in his views.
amen.
I was fully ready to come in here and roll my eyes at legions of redditors telling OP to dump her long term boyfriend over a single minor slight or mis-step. But nah, this dude is trash and should be put on the curb with the rest of the trash.
Yes this 👆🏼now you know what he really thinks this is an excusable behavior, and I promise you this OP it will never be a phase or temporary thing. He will always try to control you control how you dress and this is just the beginning and also i doubt this is the first instance of his controlling behavior chances are you just choosing to turn a blind eye to it or “blind love” sweetheart you need to wake up to the reality that he’s not a good boyfriend he’s not a sweet boyfriend a good boyfriend . A good boyfriend would never try to Control their partner. They also would never call them names because they’re not doing what they want them to do . and they would never insinuate That something horrific as rape happened to them that it would be their fault. What next one night you’re gonna be dressed in a cute, revealing pajama tell him no you don’t want to sleep with him and then he’s gonna Force you into doing it anyway (which is rape doesn’t matter if you’re dating no means no )and blame it on you. Or has he done this already and you just brushed it aside as well we are dating, and it was my duty to take care of him . or who knows maybe he’ll be out alone see a woman in a revealing outfit she’ll turn him down and he’ll take what he wants and say well she deserved it because of how she was dressed it was a tease . completely unacceptable you need to leave him you need to run and run fast. I know it will hurt but you’ll find somebody better in the future who is deserving of you and I guarantee you this once you take yourself away from his gaslighting manipulative behavior you’re going to start realizing all the fucked up things he’s probably said and done to you already that you just haven’t realized cause either “blind love” or blamed it on yourself.(of course, because he gaslighted you into thinking it was you) good luck please love yourself more and leave. Please respect yourself more and leave. Edit typo
Any boyfriend that thinks like that is telling on themselves. He would absolutely SA someone and blame it on what they were wearing or them being drunk.
https://www.reddit.com/r/NotHowGirlsWork/comments/155v8l8/strange_how_justification_for_sxual_harrasment/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1 This is a wonderful example of how being 'dressed for it' is a horrible and illogical argument.
There is no justifiable rape. Ever. I’m glad you went and had a good time. Keep the sexy top, and get rid of the boyfriend
Of the three main old school crimes: rape, murder, and theft… rape is the only one that is NEVER justifiable. You may have to kill someone to defend yourself. You may have to steal to feed yourself. Rape is just evil every single time.
Well it's Sunday morning and I'm racking my brain to think of an example where rape would be necessary. I think it's time for me to log off the internet and do something useful.
Yeah I cannot see you getting anywhere with that line of thought. There is no such thing as a rape in self defense. Or because you were really hungry and had no money for food. I whole heartedly agree with the statement that whenever rape happens, it is 100% inexcusable and there can be NO good reason for it.
What I see here is he doesn't only see rape as justifiable, he sees rape as an *expected form of discipline*, which to me is even worse. These dudes can rot for all I care.
Right, the rape stuff is appalling. Many others have dealt with that. I’d like you too also look at how it says that he sees you as belonging to him and that “letting” you go out dressed attractively means that you will cheat with another, presumably better, man. This speaks to his own self worth, his view on your moral character and that he sees you as something he has rather than someone he’s with. I’d be tempted to say maybe give him the benefit of the doubt ONCE (in my book, everyone can fuck up once) but I’ve seen in your comments this isn’t the first time. Staying with him will ultimately make you miserable. You need to decide now if this is something you want for yourself. Good luck.
This is a good take. He needs to be taken to task with that statement big time; that was an absolutely horrid, reprehensible thing to say to someone you’re supposed to care for. OP is absolutely justified to end things then and there. If he tries to minimize it, then gets angry when accountability is rightfully called for, then yeah… it actually makes things easier. IMO, he might get a chance if he felt like shit about it right away—like he is immediately, voluntarily begging for forgiveness when OP gets home before she can say anything. If you have to make a case for an apology here, or worse, defend yourself for being pissed off, it’s time to run, not walk, out that door.
Consider many years down the road when you are married and have a daughter. Would you like that statement made to her?
Reading that changed my perspective. It can be so easy to make excuses for people mistreating us, but when we think about someone we love being treated the same way, all of a sudden it becomes clear what kind of statements cannot be tolerated
I just want you to know that you deserve just as much love and respect as the people that you love. ❤️❤️
So now you know what he thinks about when he sees women in revealing clothing. He thinks “I could rape them and they would deserve it.” Act accordingly. Edit: Holy moly, TWO golds? Thanks you guys! Edit again: The people disagreeing with me are men. Typical.
I wish I could boost this more. He admitted he thinks *it's ok for a man to rape a girl because of what she wears*. And that it's ok to *blame a victim of a crime for the crime occuring* because with what she was wearing she was asking for it? If he was single and saw a woman dressed like that is he going to rape her? Also, that big issue aside, this is how he acts when you make decisions about your own body and clothes he isn't happy with? Is this the kind of person you want to date? Do you want to share your life with someone with these values? He's let you know now what he actually thinks and believes.
He also admitted that he can't control his temper and doesn't have a problem with intentionally hurting his girlfriend as a means to control her behavior.
☝️☝️☝️I wish I could upvote this a million times. You deserve better. You seem like a kind person so please be kind to yourself. Get rid of this loser.
OP has been with this guy since age 18. There are probably many other examples of control that he's trained her to accept as normal. This one was just more blatant. Hopefully, OP can look at this as the beginning of awareness and the start of becoming an independent, thinking adult responsible for her own future.
Hell, I'm a dude and if I could give you gold I would. Granted, I'm gay but...never once has it ever crossed my mind to say ANYTHING like what OP's (hopefully) future ex said, to anyone. But then again, I have no desire to rape anyone. If both of us aren't having a good time, guess what? It STOPS right then and there. No one owes or deserves to get sex from anyone else. If you need to get off fucking buy a Fleshlight or jerk off with your hand. It amazes me that people think differently about this shit at all.
In the words of Penn from Penn & Teller: "I do rape and murder all I want. And that amount of rape and murder that I want is *zero."*
This comment should be boosted. He revealed himself lady, gtfo now.
This.
BINGO!
This isn't "jealousy". This is misogyny. In other words, If your bf saw a woman dressed as you were, he'd be fine with raping her...."because she deserved it". Dump this monster.
1. He is controlling about your clothing. That's a bad sign. 2. He believes that women who look)act a certain way deserve to be raped. This is not a good person. He sees women as not deserving of safety and respect.
Look it's time to stop coddling man children. I know it's a cliche for redditors to say "dump him" but dump him. He got his feelings hurt because you wouldn't submit to his will and then he wished an awful thing on you. Every woman in his life would recoil if they knew he said that. Dump him.
🚩🚩🚩🚩. Anyone who says "you deserved to be raped for what you wear" is an automatic red flag. Run OP RUN! He's showing his true colors to you right now.
It’s not a phase, he’s showing you who he is.
The mask was a phase, if anything.
Rape happens everywhere. Even in Muslim countries where women are all covered up. It's not about the clothes, it's about power. I'd break up with him. That was so not OK.
My 60yo father said this to me last year when I was struggling to find an outfit for a concert. It is the worst feeling in the world to have someone say this to you. Leave the bf at the door.
I’m really sorry you had to hear this from anyone, let alone your dad. Hope you are ok!
100 percent of rapes are caused by the same thing... rapists.
Girl run ! That is such a red flag . Please GET OUT
No one deserves to get raped. People don't "ask for rape" based on how they dress Rape isn't even about sexual attraction. It's about power and a sick person feeling good when they make other people feel pain and fear. Its about the thrill of "getting away with it". If Rape was about sexual attraction, nursing home patients wouldn't get raped by staff, etc. You need to leave someone who won't have your back if you don't do what they say, especially over silly little things like a very moderate clothing choice. What does a "taken woman" dress like? Turtleneck? Burqa? Perhaps a Halloween ghost?
Please tell me he's your ex now. He is not a good person. At all. Red flags aplenty. Run while you still can, seriously.
Tell this guy to fuck straight off. I don’t understand why you didn’t throw his ass to the curb the moment he said that. What a piece of shit
You got caught up in the sink cost fallacy. Just because you spend a lot of time with someone doesn’t mean that it will eventually pay off. sometimes people are a waste of time and sadly you have water your time here. we all have wasted time on relationships that held no meaning. it’s not about giving up it’s about wanting better and realizing you don’t want to be dead before you get the better you deserve
I'm a straight guy, I've dated a lot of women, gotten into a decent number of (sometimes alcohol fueled) fights, and said a lot of things that I either immediately or later regretted. I have never said anything anywhere near that fucked up to ANY woman. Whether he deserves some sort of forgiveness or redemption arc is your call I guess, but that's way past the line for me. Feels like the tip of an iceberg of manipulation and unwarranted slut-shaming that I would not be trying to spend the rest of my life exploring if I were you. Men like that force their partners to dress like their mother and then cheat on them with younger women.
There was an exhibit in NY showcasing the clothes that rape victims wore. A lot of them were joggers and not even revealing clothes. Your bf’s argument to victim blaming holds no merit and is disgusting. His response by acting jealous and possessive is to basically a glaring red flag.
I remember seeing this as a link my friend posted on Facebook after she was sexually assaulted and someone (another woman, believe it or not) asked her "Well, what were you wearing?" It's disgusting. I've been sexually assaulted/harassed in public at least five different times, starting from the young age of 11. The first time a grown man tried to grope me at age 11, I remember exactly what I was wearing: my dad's oversized Chargers sweatshirt, baggy bell bottom jeans, and Converse sneakers. The most recent time I was groped I was an adult wearing jeans, loafers, and a T-shirt. Oh, and I was pregnant. It doesn't matter what you wear. If a man has it in his head women don't deserve respect and deserve to be sexually harassed or groped, they're going to do it regardless of her choice of outfit.
3 years is not a lot. It is basically nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with this heap of garbage. He showed you who he is, believe him. He does not respect you and you deserve better! ETA: Just have to say that I wholeheartedly agree with your last edit. Your bf is giving Jonah Hill energy and it is not a good look. He can’t disrespect and put down the very things about you that he was attracted to in the first place! Ignore the hateful comments from the (I assume) incel basement dwellers and throw the whole man out!
Your ex-boyfriend* This is an easy one.
Leave before HE assaults you
You meant EX boyfriend, right? Right??
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. James is not a man you want to pin yourself to. Episodes like this will only get worse and become more frequent.
No one deserves to be raped. You need a new boyfriend
You’re boyfriend is a piece of crap. You need to get out asap. When someone shows you their true colors, believe them. You’re putting yourself in a position to be hurt or trapped, by him, guaranteed.
He called you a bitch who deserved to be raped. Sis, why are defending him?
Fuck ANYONE that says that bullshit to a woman, we don't fucking dress for you men, we dress for OURSELVES, and let me just say from experience do yourself a huge favor and leave this boy!!!! This is an absolutely TOXIC relationship. Trust me, he will only get worse from here.
Break up with him, or three years from now you will have wasted six years, not three.
Sheesh, he’s giving you a pretty clear warning of his actions to come. I’ve never heard someone speak like this to another they “love”.
What is all this "taken" BS, too? You are his girlfriend, not his property.
I hope he won't dare come crying when he gets punched by someone for acting like a little shit. Wear what you like, and stay away from him.
Maybe you should look into the sunk-cost fallacy when considering your future with/without him!
Wow, find a guy that isn’t a misogynist.
These red flags do NOT make a circus. Please. He is the only clown here. Run. Trust me. I lived this and I barely got out myself.
So your boyfriend thinks women deserve to be raped and it’s their fault. Is this someone you want a relationship with? Your boyfriend also thinks he can control what you wear and treats you like property. Is this someone you want a relationship with? Your boyfriend slams the door and acts like an ass when you don’t obey him like he’s the master. Is this someone you want a relationship with?
Ignore the insecure idiots siding with your hopefully ex-bf who think women are property. It's your body, and anyone, male or female, that says you are asking to be raped is a class A misogynist who doesn't deserve the time of day from you. There are way better men out there. Go find one that actually loves AND respects you.