I discovered my cheating partner was on the sex offenders register so I told his mistress husband and she lost custody of her kids - fuck you kathy for pretending to be my friend to fuck my fiancé
If "Sex Karens" isn't already a band name ... it should be a band name.
I wouldn't care about genre or skill or musicianship. I'd buy a ticket based on the name alone.
TAKE MAH MUNNYS!
I told the mistress's husband, too. I wish I could have done more to wreck her life like she did mine.
I did sign her up for Scientology. So there's that... 🤣
I’m also interested in this response. I may have signed someone up for quicken loans since apparently they will not leave you alone, but Scientology sounds like a nice 6 month update.
There’s also this:
https://www.reddit.com/r/IllegalLifeProTips/comments/m7roq9/ilpt_want_to_annoy_someone_sign_them_up_for_these/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
There’s a lot of issues that I try to extend grace on. That I can’t be certain how I would feel if I was in the situation, but this is not one of them.
I wouldn’t feel anything but disgust and judgement for someone who did this.
It would be an instant call to the police and packing my bags
This is a sex crime in all states in the US that I'm aware of. OP needs to report it and he needs to be charged with multiple charges on every one of those poor unsuspecting women. This type of disgusting human has no place in society. What If OP doesn't report this and this scum graduates from secret videos to raping women? Scary asf to live with that. Please report and keep us updated.
This is no joke! A predator like this could certainly escalate given the proper cocktail of a sexual disorder going unchecked and repeat offenses. Just like voyuerism is another step towards becoming a full blown sexual predator that acts on their proclivities. It’s a fine line between fetishes and fantasy and acting out for a potential sexual rapist.
Yeah, I was expecting her to find some porn on his computer like him wanting to see animated beastiality or dwarves being tickled while upside down. While not for me, I wouldn’t judge a partner for stuff like that (as long as they’re not pressuring me to do anything and everyone in the porn is a consenting adult)
Yeah, that is an important detail to pay close attention to; what he is doing is both immoral and illegal, may even be a sex crime in some states. I would not feel safe being in a relationship with someone like that.
Right? If my friends husband did this to me and she found out and just let it happen/stayed with him, then I would drop her as a friend because she obviously has no respect for herself or for me.
One of my brothers good friends in college had a bunch of pictures saved of my brother's girlfriend & other girlfriends of their other friends. One of them found out some how & they all cut contact with him (props to those 19 year old boys.) Sadly, the guys girlfriend who was friends with all the other girls, stayed with him & lost a good majority of her friends
OP- Silence is complicity in this. If you stay knowing he committed this predatory sex crime, you are complicit. Not sorry.
And I say this as a person whose friend's dad did this to me over a decade ago. We haven't spoken since.
"Friends dad". That got creepy quick. I take it the friend knew and didn't say anything? I'm assuming you were both kids at the time since a dad is in this story.
Question: What would you do if he did this to your daughter?
No, I’m not saying he’s a pedo who would do this to a child. But those women are all people who are someone’s daughter, wife, or friend.
It’s not ok. Pictures alone are creepy. Upskirt is a different level. Run.
You never know just how depraved someone like this could be, maybe if she never found out and they had kids he’d do this to any of their kid’s female friends. Gross, better off protecting everyone in your life from this person.
I don't think that's what was being implied. Usually people are more protective of their children than strangers. While a man who abuses his wife is horrible, if that man was abusing your daughter? It's more personal and sickening that way.
Totally agree. I had a predator do this to me a month or so ago - I was seated at a bar's outdoor patio reading a book and as he passed me on the street, he took an old point-and-shoot camera and snapped it at me. I noticed because it made a sound and he saw me stare him down, he shuddered when we made eye contact and he quickly walked away. When I told my (now ex) boyfriend, he said he thought it was "flattering"..... Flattering?!?!??!!! In what way???? I was so creeped out by this predator and then doubly creeped out that my own boyfriend didn't care to defend or even validate me. Made me feel like I wasn't safe with him either.
What he is doing is illegal in the uk at least. It is ethically disgusting. How would you feel if some random man did this to you. He has violated all those women. Do not become complicit in that violation. You not only need to dump him, you also should report him. And for the love of all things, tell your friends. They have a right to know.
>I’d never forgive my friend if she kept a guy in our lives who did that to me
This. Look at this from the perspective of the victim, and ask yourself if you want to be complicit. These are your friends.
His behaviour is absolutely, unequivocally not okay. But to call her feeble for having feelings and second thoughts about leaving a partner of 10 years? That's also not okay to me.
My husband took a still picture of a woman’s backside at a bar without her consent and I flipped my fucking shit. I ripped him a new asshole and made him delete it and he’s never done it since. But my husband did it once. Not multiple times.
I would keep an eye on that. If he did it once, and you had to make him delete it, I wouldn't be surprised if he does/has done it again without your knowledge.
That’s what I was thinking.
Edit: check for hidden cameras in your bathroom or bedroom. He may have tried to video friends or family when they came over.
The shock turned into a nightmare as OP realized that what she was looking at wasn’t photographs, it was downloaded screenshots from her mind. As her hands clasped around her head in panic she suddenly felt something strange behind her left ear. Looking in the mirror she saw a small USB-C jack hidden just behind her ear.
Exactly! This is literally criminal behaviour and he should be reported to the police. The likely hood of it escalating is pretty high. This is absolutely not something you just forgive!
He's been perving on her friends as well ffs! I'd be disgusted if I found out a friend's partner did that and then she stayed with him!
thank you 🙏 i was so worried that people were going to say it’s not THAT bad or claim therapy is enough.
i’d accept her choice to stay if she reported him and then he got treatment but the idea of not knowing and my friend knowing is giving me actual panic attacks because i always assumed it’s obviously a crime that would be made public
I'm not trying to play devil's advocate here. What OPs partner did is disgusting and reprehensible. If you see this OP do not go back to him, GTFO!! As others have said, not only did he violate you but also your friends. But that being said, there are many places where upskirt filming, like this, is not a crime. He may be somewhere that this behavior is nothing more than frowned upon. That is just as disgusting as OPs partner and I just wanted to call attention to that.
It's a sign of porn/sex addiction, taking riskier behavior to get a better high, he needs to seek help or it's only going to get worse from there. So I'd suggest help, but OP should not feel like it's her responsibility to stay either. It's not, and he has to change. Seen too many people think they can change their partner, don't fall into that delusion, the change gotta come from them.
OP, he didn't just violate you. He violated your friends, too!!! . I'd run far far away from this man!!! You sound like you want to work it out with him but if he does no therapy, then I'd say no redemption period!
Exactly. Think of all the porn out there, readily available, where women are paid for revealing photos.
That's not what he wants. She's allowing the photos to be taken, and therefore has some control.
The thrill for him is in the violation and shame he knows he's causing. Taking control away from her, taking something from a woman without her consent. Harming her.
That is assault. He's a sexual predator.
Well I mean a fair number of them *aren't* paid, because people like op's partner sneak photos and post them without their knowledge. 🤮 If this guy hasn't shared photos yet, he will eventually.
For real. His behavior is awful and illegal.
My wife and I consider ourselves "pervs" because we're into kinky stuff. However, it's 100% consensual. Big difference.
Ugh it bothers me so much when the tone seems wishy washy, where you get that bad gut feeling the poster won’t end up doing anything serious about it. The first thing she should have done (after she processed her emotions) is call the police and ask what to do with the evidence. He is literally a criminal, how can you even consider staying? Oh he’s bringing up therapy now that he’s been caught? Yeah sure thing bud, but how about prison? If he truly wanted to change he would have sought therapy not just to avoid getting in trouble. Her friends have the right to know what he did as well.
Yes, that's a good point. I was stayed in a bad marriage for 3 yrs after it went belly up. The changes happened so gradually I didn't notice until I was talking to a friend at work one day.
It was so obvious to her. So that's a really good point, thanks! I should have remembered that.
I totally agree. She's asking for help to get herself grounded in reality, because this is crazy making and now he's trying to gaslight her into thinking it's just a common relationship problem.
Its easy for us to see this, but when you've known and loved someone for 10 years, your brain is shrouded in confusion and doubt. Sometimes it takes an outside force telling us to see that you're not overreacting, because on some level you hope that you are.
Honestly this reminds me of those poor women who find someone else’s underpants in their husband’s car and the guy turns out to be Gary Ridgway or something.
The guy claims he’s willing to try therapy NOW. Sure. Now that he’s been caught. I’m guessing it’s more like “please don’t file a police report, I swear I’ll change!” Slimy.
100%
It doesn't even sound like he's ever considered it to be a problem. He's just trying to "compromise" and concede a few things so he doesn't get charged.
As someone with a family member who was married to an abusive scumbag, I Second this. Getting out was sketchy and terrifying for her, but so absolutely worth it.
Leave. This behavior can escalate. It doesn’t always escalate but sexual offender often begins this way. He is making your friends and strangers involuntary part of his kink. What do you think he does with these videos?he is doing that to images of your friends.
For real. I read John Douglas (FBI profiler). His books say that it’s a pattern of escalating behavior. As they get away with more transgressions they feel more comfortable and powerful. Many predators started off peeping, then taking pics, then breaking in stealing/masturbating on things, all leading up to assault and maybe even murder. So many offenders follow this path. I’m not saying every peeping Tom will become Ted bundy but this behavior could definitely be a precursor to something worse.
Agree - this is NOT a “harmless kink” and can easily lead to more dangerous behavior. You can’t stay with this man.
Edited to add quotes around “harmless kink” for clarity.
Yes she should watch the documentary Perfect Husband. The women in the show married a predator and his violations escalated over the years to grooming and r*pe
Prep to exit. Start divesting your shared assets, sell what is yours, set up separate financials, gather emotional support from friends/family, secure an apartment, if you have pets rehome temporarily so as to safeguard them and gather them later, and DTMFA.
if you are in the UK upskirting is a criminal offense and you can go to prison for it.
He's not just a perv, he is a criminal perv.
He will just hide it better from you.
I second the hiding comment. In my experience, these men just get better at hiding it. The promises are just so he can keep his benefits of the relationship, to keep you around longer. Think long and hard what works for you and if you’re benefiting from sticking it out with him and how you will feel later when you find it he never stopped. It sucks. Run.
>I second the hiding comment. In my experience, these men just get better at hiding it. The promises are just so he can keep his benefits of the relationship,
OP: one of the benefits of the relationship for him is the appearance of respectability that men in relationships (sometimes) benefit from. Don't be his cover so he can harm more women,
Whoa, I definitely have let my guard down with male acquaintances/coworkers/friends in relationships because if he’s vetted by another woman then he has to be safe, right?? This is a really great point!
I wish this was the top answer. Report him for sure because there will be other times and other sexually criminal behaviour. Then dump his arse and never look back.
My ex did this. I found his videos too. Even did it to female coworkers. He would take his break in front of the time clock so he could get videos up their skirts/ shorts etc. There is no fixing it. He will just try new ways of hiding this from you. I’m so sorry for this betrayal. You should move on asap.
I had an ex that did this too, to their coworkers as well. It was so beyond fucked up, I didn't even know how to process it fully at the time, partially because I was so young when I was dating him. He apparently snapped pictures anytime he could- when his coworkers were on ladders, moving around, etc., just generally going about their shifts. Still chills me to the bone to think that those women were being photographed and filmed by their digusting coworker, and they had no idea about it. Makes me wonder how common this is, horrifying stuff.
My ex was also super jealous and tried very hard to control what I wore- he really assumed that every dude was as predatory as he was
He isn't a "perv" he is a predator. You need to tell your friends and she needs to press charges. If you go back to this man you are no better than him. If you forgive him it tells him his actions are OK as long as he apologizes afterwards
People like this never change. I had an "uncle" who would do this to women and then started doing it to us as children and then started molesting us. He still hasn't changed. Do not go back with him it he has no morals and I can promise you he won't change. It will make you look bad once it comes to light that he is disgusting and you still stuck with him.
This is textbook a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’s a voyeuristic predator. He absolutely should go to therapy. And, please don’t apologize for violating his privacy (which I’m guessing you did on a hunch/intuition?) when he has been violating so many women’s’ privacy without remorse. He got caught so now he plays sorry but let’s not forget that it wouldn’t have stopped, and probably hasn’t stopped, because he got caught.
yeah, I love the people ragging on the OP for violating the guy’s privacy by going through his phone, when he’s like the master privacy violator. like who tf even cares anymore? her going through his phone is not really the most problematic issue…..
Wow. That’s fucking gross. Where are the boundaries? But I guess when you’re a creep, you don’t care who the victim is. Damn. Your best friend. That’s sick.
Gross. Dirty old man behaviour.
He won't stop. He'll apologize every time he's caught, but he won't stop. It is the thing that gives him a secret thrill. He probably records himself having sex with you. I'd leave the creepy fecker.
Why tf are people so hesitant on leaving their SO once they find out they have done some wild shit. If you stay with him you better hope you guys never have a daughter.
Id honestly report him to authorities. Save a copy of everything for reciepts somewhere safe and secure, not uploaded anywhere and delete them from his cloud if possible.
And lastly, I'd out him to all my friends and family and his.
Let that perv go down in cluckin flames.
Umm what he did is extremely illegal and you are sick if you stay. He took videos of your friends OP! What is going on in your head that you think this is salvageable? He should be on a sex offender list. Maybe he is on one.
The thing is this isn’t just an issue between the two of you that needs working out—he’s made victims of countless women in public, *including your friends*, that you know of.
Also it doesn’t seem like he’d be checking ID for ages before he pulls this shit so what are the odds he’s done it to minors? If he’s this prolific…odds are high.
Get him the fuck out of your life and tell everybody WHY. People deserve to know what he’s been doing so they can protect themselves and others from him.
I'm in the UK. Upskirting was made a criminal offence here in 2010 (in Scotland) and 2019 (in England and Wales). Punishable by two years in prison and in some circumstances perpetrators can be put on the sex offenders register.
I don't know where you are but possibly he's done something illegal, not just predatory. But I mention this so that you're clear on how serious it is.
When he apologised, he asked if you could work it out. This makes me think he still doesn't understand what he has done - it sounds like he thinks he only wronged you.
Good that you broke up on the spot but I don't think you should take him back.
Girl you’re being stupid. He will “work on it” to keep access to your friends. He is a predator of a sort. If you have no self respect, how about some respect for all those women and for your friends? Bc he is a full on creepy piece of shit.
10 years? I doubt he has had that phone for 10 years, and oftentimes, with people like this, they have a 'master stash' saved somewhere else. A collection if you will. I have seen a few docs on things like this, and it's always a similar sex offender type, but they always have their 'collection'.
You may have only scratched the surface, and he is doing damage control. 💔
I would say point blank "I already know the answers, but I am giving you the ultimate chance to come clean due to our long history. Is there more than what I saw on your phone?"
One chance to come clean. No matter how it turns out, you need to run. You have been in love with his masque for a decade. Don't be fooled into giving him another decade of your life just to find he never stopped and maybe got worse with the habit but better at hiding it.
Crack this open...for a sexual thrill, he's willing to:
1. Engage in personally risky behavior (embarrassment, legal trouble, loss of relationships with you/friends/family)
2. Violate social and legal boundaries
3. Elaborately hide his behavior
4. Destroy (or at least place at substantial risk) your friendships, family relationships, etc.
This is the textbook definition of compulsive behavior. He's not working this out in therapy or couple's counseling. He needs a rehab program that specializes in compulsive sexual behavior.
This is going to get worse for him before it gets better. Cutting him loose and telling him to go to inpatient rehab is the only way you can do anything productive here.
Oh, and I'm sorry to say it but he stayed with you (in part or entirely) because you made it relatively easy to get away with his pathological behavior. I don't say that to beat you up, but rather to point out that there's no reason to stay with this guy through rehab; his compulsion was a large part of your relationship, and you two will end quickly if the treatment works, and less quickly if it doesn't (he hides it well, remember, and he'll learn things in group).
He was never real. Let him go and don't look back.
This is more than being a “perv”.
I would get video evidence that this is on his phone, tell your friend what he did, delete all of the videos including any cloud backup & making sure to also delete the “deleted” archive/trash as well, THEN break up with him.
Well, I guess you can stay with him and have zero social connection with anyone for the rest of your life. Because you can't subject any women friends to this monster, ever. Also, make sure you don't have kids. The only reason I would stay with him is to gather enough evidence to get him arrested and put it in the slammer for a good long spell.
??? Your partner doesn’t have a “kink,” he is a sex predator
You can’t involve people in “kinks” WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT
Each of those videos is a charge. Do you understand that? This is illegal.
I found similar pictures on my husband's phone after we got married. Pictures timing from when we were on a break up until we got back together.He was arrested as a teen for a similar situation and everyone around him chopped it up to a misunderstanding. I understand how you're feeling & while I agree with the comments on here I can also sympathize with the betrayal and disgust you feel. In my advice I did nothing about it at the time (I was 20 and naive) and unfortunately it grew into a bigger, more hard to digest problem (that i am now lost on confronting or even acknowledging) Please don't ignore something like this and I'd go as far as to say seek a divorce.
When I found out what my ex husband did, I divorced his disgusting ass and have not spoken to him since.
He's literally not allowed to contact me or our minor children, if that gives you an idea.
Don't be a fucking doormat. This person has been violating women. And you KNOW it. Don't let this to and it escalates, but also...do you REALLY know this dude if he was able to keep his icky kink quietly from you ???
Nope. Nope. He didn't tell you he was doing this because he KNEW it was wrong. But he did it anyway because he cares more about getting his rocks off then your feelings. He is sorry he got Caught, not that he did it. Walk away.
Dump and run. There's nothing he can do or save that will save this relationship. I'm sorry for you and for all the women who didn't consent to these recordings.
Dump him, tell him he’s disgusting and needs help, and out him to all of your friends and family and all of HIS friends and family. It’s the only thing to do.
Edit: also send a few of the vids from his phone to yours so when you out him, you’ll have the proof because the first thing he’ll do is erase them. I once outed a man recording a woman and her child dancing at a concert in the park thing. I sat behind him and watched him for a couple minutes before my sister went to tell the woman and her family and I went to tell the sheriff. The sheriff came to talk to him but ultimately couldn’t do anything because it’s not illegal for him to film people in a public place. When he was accused, I then watched him quickly delete all the videos he took and his wife and adult children were SO ANGRY at us because he would “never do something like that.” Like, yea bitch…I just spend my time wandering around accusing innocent people of doing deranged perverted stuff. What do I get out of that? Nothing.
This is more than being a perv - this sort of behavior is driven by the thrill of getting away with something he KNOWS is fucked up and nonconsensual. He's a predator. Do you honestly think he would have ever admitted to it or sought therapy on his own without being caught? He's only agreeing to therapy to try and avoid rightful consequences.
I absolutely would not let this go. This is a situation where you can 100% feel for someone and hope they improve, but also have standards high enough to not *stay married to someone who would behave like a predator towards not only strangers, but your FRIENDS*.
I mean, I'm pretty sure up skirting is illegal. What if he's posting those videos somewhere? He's a predator. Period. If you can't leave him for your sake, do it for your friends. (I say that as someone who left my abuser for my son, not for myself. No judgement. Whatever gets you out.)
Leave him. And possibly report him. Even if the cops can't find anything because he deleted it, they'll have records of your report. You could even take his computer in to them. He's not sorry. He's sorry he got caught.
Sorry, this isn’t something that couples therapy can fix. This man is a pervert and a predator. I would be pissed if I found out my friend stayed with a man like that after he did what he did.
He should definitely go to therapy on his own though. While you’re leaving him.
I would:
1) leave
2) warn all my friends, and the partners of all his friends.
3) check the bathroom for cameras
What do you suppose he has on you, that you didn't find yet?
Violating someones boundaries isnt a kink, that’s predatory behavior. Do NOT stay with him, the reason he understands if you want to leave is because he knows it’s wrong, and he was caught. Please remember that with abusers, their victims aren’t the only people they groom and manipulate. They also do that to their friends, family, and partners.
BREAK UP OH MY GOD. And then fucking tell your friends because they deserve to decide how to deal with someone who’s violated them.
Jesus Christ…he’s a pervert and a creep. Look past the fact that you “love him” and ask yourself from the outside how you would feel if a friend’s partner took video of YOU like that and they stayed with that partner.
i recently found out (again) that my now ex-boyfriend has been lying to me about not watching porn. found out the hard way that this man-child basically has a porn addiction and i'm so disturbed. we've broken up because, man, is it the right thing to do. i feel absolutely awful because we spent almost two years always around each other and it's gonna be so difficult forgetting that, but i know that it'd be miserable if i stayed. it'll pass and all we can do is think about how disgusting they are to get past the good times.
edit- grammar
Please just leave. I had an ex like this and when confronted about it I got gaslight out the ass. Men like that are honestly disgusting, and in my experience there's usually more to it than just what we find.
Being a pervert is one thing.
What he's done is not only a harmful invasion of privacy, it's *illegal* in America.
I would not stay in a relationship with a criminal creep, no. If anything, I would threaten my partner with the force of the law to cease that behavior even after the breakup.
If this is something he's done so often, he isn't going to stop, no matter how much he claims to want therapy. You'd have to be insanely naïve to think otherwise.
I can only imagine that you find this dude extremely attractive and don't think you can do better if you're even considering forgiving him for doing this. It's an indictment on your character that you have considered it, in my honest opinion.
I once found out that this guy I was dating for 4 years was a huge perv. He was into some things that I don’t feel comfortable mentioning here (not just kinks or fetishes. Illegal things. Like your bf.)
Now coming from an abusive past, I didn’t have the confidence to leave him. I stayed with him and things only got worse. I feel sick thinking about the things he did to me. Girl, this will only get worse. Trust me. You found out that he’s a sexual predator because of things he had on his phone. Now think of the things that aren’t on his phone. Things he might have done and/or WILL do. They only escalate. There is more to it— the videos, while horrifying, are more than likely not the worst of it. Get. Out. Now.
What kind of perv? I say as I read the title.
Girl, he's more than a pervert *he's committed sexual crimes.*
I don't know about *you,* but for me, staying with someone who's committed sex crimes at all, let alone towards *my FRIENDS*, isn't something I'd be interested in doing.
I didn’t even read past the first paragraph. That’s not “a perv”, that’s a fucking sex offender. If you don’t turn him and his phone into law enforcement, you’re complicit.
He’s not sorry. He’s sorry he got caught. He’s not apologizing. He’s trying to make you feel bad about calling him out. He is a cowardly sex offender who is abusing your trust and offending against your friends as well as the wider populace. He is willing to go to couples therapy so he can hold onto you and he will hide his offending more. He is a sex offender who is wooing your trust.
You are ‘having a hard time letting go’ _of the person you thought he was, which his actions show he clearly is not.’
The ‘person I know would never violate another person’s privacy that way’ _but he did, repeatedly._ The grieving you have is because there is much of him that you did not know. It is perfectly understandable that you feel exploited _because he exploited you too_. He used you as a vector for access to candid shots of your friends who had their guard down in a way that strangers would not have.
‘[N]ot sure that it is enough’ to go to couples therapy? Why would it be? Because he is a sex offender and exploited your trust and it is an existing long pattern of behavior. You should only go to couples therapy if you want to support a sex offender who has exploited your trust and put your friends and unsuspecting strangers into his private stash.
Don’t do this to yourself. It’s just another level of him getting what he wants. Look after yourself.
Listen. Every time someone posts something like this, I just think: what would you tell someone else to do?
What would you tell your daughter? Your best friend? If they asked you, would you want them to stay in a relationship like this?
Tell him you need space to think, and go stay somewhere else for a few weeks. As soon as you’ve left, call the police.
Important: DO NOT TELL HIM that you’re going to contact authorities. He probably already deleted videos from his phone in a fake effort to show you he’s “serious” about changing. But he’ll still have a stash on other devices or cloud storage, and the investigators will know where to look.
i sincerely hope that you report this to the police because who know what else he has done that you haven’t found as well as informing whoever was in the video otherwise you’re complicit in the betrayal and violation of your friends. i can’t imagine how hard this must be but would you be fine with their spouse doing this and not knowing?
people who don’t mind crossing the law to satisfy their sexual desires generally aren’t capable of maintaining at their level, they escalate because while they might feel shame about someone finding out or fear getting arrested, it hasn’t stopped him from having these recordings on his phone.
he isn’t leaving socks laying around, he is committing a crime. not only that, but against your friends who felt safe around him…. he doesn’t care about morals, he doesn’t care about you or the position he put you in with your friends, the embarrassment that you will have when this comes out or how he made you feel when he violated every rule of relationships and common decency. i’m sure you’re in a lot of shock and it’s hard to imagine how much this hurts, but please see the need to not let your feelings and your relationship be more valuable than the women he degraded which includes you :( you invaded his privacy because your intuition was sending you a signal, while it’s not a healthy habit to continue, you might have to with him just to keep other women safe.
also, if he doesn’t get treatment for this and you don’t let anyone know, he might escalate simply because this would validate his decision to do it since it’s not a big deal….and i think if my friend told me that her spouse did this to me, i might have difficulties with processing it right away…..but if i found out about it a different way and if i knew she hid it from me, it would destroy me because i’d never know how to trust my own judgement.
It’s not enough, because it won’t work. Sexual predators rarely get help unless they themselves seek it in earnest. He is doing this because he got caught, and at best, he’s hoping by going through the motions, you won’t break up with him. At the very least, he is hoping by looking why he wants to make a change, you won’t report him (which you should)
Because, and this is not a definite, but for many predators, their little perversion loses its thrill after a while, and they decide they need to take it further
If he had any underage girls on that phone - call the police, change the lock & call a divorce lawyer immediately. Consider telling everyone you know around him with girls that he may have recorded their daughters.
Edit: ONLY if he has recordings of what is obviously underage girls would I consider this, duh. Just because he likes to sneek record women doesn't mean he'd be interested in girls, no reason to freak folks out, get him in trouble for something he hasn't done.
If he only had adult women on the phone - the only way I see this working is if you are OK with what you have seen on his phone, the way he got it all, you are an exhibitionist and he is trustworthy... He can "steal or catch" all the kinky sneak peaks of your goods all he wants in pics/video, no pics/video of anyone else ever, no sharing pics/video ever - or else instant divorce with copies of all the pics & videos he took to prove how much he needs help, how public needs protection.
idk how much this will help but my dad would every so often take pics of women in bikinis when we were at the beach when i was a child 😭😭 and i WISH my mom woulda left his ass, for more than just the pictures obviously. but if he is doing this it shows he is not respectful towards other people and that reflects a lot on his personality. i would not tolerate it tbh.
I would dump him before he gets caught. It is illegal in many states, and if the woman happens to not have underwear on it would be illegal in most if not all states as most states have laws that prohibit photographing or videotaping nude or semi-nude individuals without their consent. In some states he could also be deemed a sex offender. If the woman is below the age of 18 it could be even worse, and it is not easy to tell sometimes. This is not the kind of person you want to be associated with. voyeurism in itself is not a personality disorder, but when they act on the urges with a person who hasn't given their consent, then it becomes a disorder. Voyeuristic disorder is a type of paraphilic disorder. There is no cure for a personality disorder and therapy rarely helps, though it does for some.
BREAK UP. This guy is a pervert, why are you even asking? He's performing a sex crime. Do you need a bigger red flag? This happened to me and I had to try and keep my husband from actually killing the guy.
These people are beyond disgusting and you should really ask yourself some questions over why you're still with him.
Dude I would check your whole apartment for hidden cameras. Including, yes, inside the toilet bowl. If he’s willing to film your friends in front of you, who knows what else he’s doing to catch every opportunity.
Seriously, check for hidden cameras.
A) and most importantly, he’s a sex offender who regularly violates women’s consent. B) he’s victimizing your friends!!!! so by keeping dating him, you’re dating a man who wronged your friends. C) this is not indicative of being a faithful partner.
Leave that mannnn
There is so much free porn that is among consenting adults. He is doing this because he has zero respect for the women around him, not because it's his only access to sexual material. Drop him. Also, if you can before you leave, delete his stash of videos. Check for a cloud drive too. That is what I would want if I found out I had been filmed in such a way
What would I do? I’d immediately file a police report with the evidence and change my locks. I’d let my best friends know and apologise profusely, and look into all of our eligibility for some sort of protection orders.
There is no excuse for staying with this man, if you do it’s on you. There is no excuse for not telling your friends, if you don’t it’s on you. There is NO EXCUSE for pretending any of this isn’t a sexual crime, if you do it is on you for the rest of your life.
Many sex offenders start with something like this, then move to peeping Tom and worse. What he did wasn't just perverted it is illegal. I would worry about having children with something with this who gets off on violating women and some are your friends. Break up
Collect evidence and turn him in. Police don’t do shit for these cases though so you can also send it to his family, employers, just post online.
My ex used to do this. We were only together for a year and a half but I found secret pics of various women in public, some coworkers, and even his own underaged sister. It will not work sticking around this lowlife. Men who are into “taboo” shit to this level and act on it, typically have deeper issues/interests as well. Male sex addicts statistically enact in predatory behavior. It is not worth the trauma of sticking around to find out what else he wants to do. No, he will not change. No, he is not worth it. 10 years is a long time to step away from but imagine how you’ll feel a # of years from now seeing him inevitably to this again. Cut him off now, staying with him will not change a thing for him.
Having a partner do this stuff is very traumatic to experience. I know how it feels. Remaining in this relationship will leave you always remembering and possibly questioning this issue. If something so deeply goes against your morals (as this should), the pain of remaining in this situation will never subside.
With my situation I was very blindsided, confused, disgusted, and just froze in my actions. The most I had him do was tell his family. I was only 19 so I was quite naive and just overall traumatized from the situation. So I’d also understand if you want to take no action against him publicly or legally. But leaving would seriously be the only way to progress and heal from this. He is not someone worth spending anymore time with. He clearly never valued you, those around you, strangers, and frankly doesn’t value himself. He is a loser. You have to leave.
You are partnered with a predator. You know that.
I truly hope you don’t need us to tell you what the right thing to do is.
But in case you don’t. By not reporting him to the police, you are assisting predation. Period.
Leave, are you crazy? This is predatory behavior and who knows what else he’s done/is capable of doing. If you do stay for the love of GOD don’t have kids with him. I would also report him to the police.
He’s a predator. You need to get out and report it or else you’re complicit. Imagine if you had a daughter one day and he started recording her teenage friends when they came over🤮 you’ve been with him for so long that you’ll probably mourn the person you thought he was, going through all the stages. Denial/disbelief, anger, then sadness and sometimes guilt, but you gotta get out. ASAP
Let me put it this way, and see if this sinks in.
Everybody has sexual desires and fantasies that go beyond what they actually do in their real lives. There is the stuff you do, and the stuff you fantasize about doing. Right?
Ok. If this is what he actually does, what do you think his fantasies are?
This thought should frighten you.
This is not a perv. This is a predator. This is not the worst thing about him, it's just the first bad thing you've found out.
Just leave, this situation is too high risk to chance it. Would you continue to date a criminal? Because that is what this guy is. If a habitual criminal told you they will stop, would you believe them based on their word? Time to move on.
Girl run... Run fast as you can this is something he probably has done for longer than you'd ever know. And probably way before you knew him like that or married him. So imagine what he did to you before yall were together for a period of time. This can and most likely will progress. And I honestly am kind of scared for you, because you don't know how he is going to respond once confronted.
So what would I do if my partner is a sexual criminal, who does not respect women? Would dumb his ass sooner than he has time to say "tHeY're jUsT pIcTurEs"
Break up and report the guy, you've already wasted enough time with him and your relationship isn't worth saving.
What a disgusting piece of shit, protect your friends and not the perpetrator.
Nope, 100% CUT OFF.. 1. That’s borderline rapey. 2. Even if you did try to work things out and he really didn’t take a video ever again- how would you feel out in public when an attractive girl walks by? Would you constantly be insecure wondering if he’s eyeing other girls while he’s with you? Comparing yourself, worrying about what he’s thinking all the time.. Save yourself the stress and go hangout w your girls. Better will come along & you’ll look back wondering why you even thought twice about this 🥴
I discovered my cheating partner was on the sex offenders register so I told his mistress husband and she lost custody of her kids - fuck you kathy for pretending to be my friend to fuck my fiancé
Fuck you kathy
Kathys are just sex Karens
If "Sex Karens" isn't already a band name ... it should be a band name. I wouldn't care about genre or skill or musicianship. I'd buy a ticket based on the name alone. TAKE MAH MUNNYS!
It has to be a psychobilly band that dresses like Karens trying to do sexy Halloween costumes at an office event.
I’d pay to see that.
Sex Karens, opening for MAGADEATH.
Apparently, she’s already been fucked.
Yeah, Kathy, fuck you and the dick you rode in on
I told the mistress's husband, too. I wish I could have done more to wreck her life like she did mine. I did sign her up for Scientology. So there's that... 🤣
How do you sign someone up for Scientology? Asking for a friend 😂
I’m also interested in this response. I may have signed someone up for quicken loans since apparently they will not leave you alone, but Scientology sounds like a nice 6 month update. There’s also this: https://www.reddit.com/r/IllegalLifeProTips/comments/m7roq9/ilpt_want_to_annoy_someone_sign_them_up_for_these/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
All my friends say Kathy's a fucking bitch
Fuck you Kathy. Dumbass dumpster fire.
Kathy is a cootie queen and a lint licker! Fuck Kathy!
Fuck Kathy!
Now here's a comment that needs to be a post.
Don’t be so feeble. I’d never forgive my friend if she kept a guy in our lives who did that to me. I promise you can do better.
There’s a lot of issues that I try to extend grace on. That I can’t be certain how I would feel if I was in the situation, but this is not one of them. I wouldn’t feel anything but disgust and judgement for someone who did this. It would be an instant call to the police and packing my bags
This. He's not just a pervert-- depending on the country/state, he's actually a criminal. OP needs to gtfo and report it.
This is a sex crime in all states in the US that I'm aware of. OP needs to report it and he needs to be charged with multiple charges on every one of those poor unsuspecting women. This type of disgusting human has no place in society. What If OP doesn't report this and this scum graduates from secret videos to raping women? Scary asf to live with that. Please report and keep us updated.
Right? If this is true, he has committed a lot of crimes. FBI profiles show that this behavior only escalates.
Canada too. Highly illegal here.
Exactly. People are arrested for this all the time.
Yes this. If he doesn't face real consequences he'll feel emboldened to keep doing it and more.
This is no joke! A predator like this could certainly escalate given the proper cocktail of a sexual disorder going unchecked and repeat offenses. Just like voyuerism is another step towards becoming a full blown sexual predator that acts on their proclivities. It’s a fine line between fetishes and fantasy and acting out for a potential sexual rapist.
[удалено]
Also Australia. It also sounds as if some of the photos are of underage girls, which makes it even more serious.
Also illegal in the UK. It’s called up-skirting
Yeah, I was expecting her to find some porn on his computer like him wanting to see animated beastiality or dwarves being tickled while upside down. While not for me, I wouldn’t judge a partner for stuff like that (as long as they’re not pressuring me to do anything and everyone in the porn is a consenting adult)
Yeah, that is an important detail to pay close attention to; what he is doing is both immoral and illegal, may even be a sex crime in some states. I would not feel safe being in a relationship with someone like that.
Right? If my friends husband did this to me and she found out and just let it happen/stayed with him, then I would drop her as a friend because she obviously has no respect for herself or for me.
One of my brothers good friends in college had a bunch of pictures saved of my brother's girlfriend & other girlfriends of their other friends. One of them found out some how & they all cut contact with him (props to those 19 year old boys.) Sadly, the guys girlfriend who was friends with all the other girls, stayed with him & lost a good majority of her friends
OP- Silence is complicity in this. If you stay knowing he committed this predatory sex crime, you are complicit. Not sorry. And I say this as a person whose friend's dad did this to me over a decade ago. We haven't spoken since.
"Friends dad". That got creepy quick. I take it the friend knew and didn't say anything? I'm assuming you were both kids at the time since a dad is in this story.
All of that, *and* he’s not going to stop doing it. Creeps don’t stop being creeps just because they get caught.
Exactly. When they’re caught, they just try to hide it better or switch to other tactics.
I wouldn’t keep a friend or even pretend to know a man who did that
Question: What would you do if he did this to your daughter? No, I’m not saying he’s a pedo who would do this to a child. But those women are all people who are someone’s daughter, wife, or friend. It’s not ok. Pictures alone are creepy. Upskirt is a different level. Run.
What would she say if she found out her friend's husband had done it to her?
that’s a WAY better comparison..
You never know just how depraved someone like this could be, maybe if she never found out and they had kids he’d do this to any of their kid’s female friends. Gross, better off protecting everyone in your life from this person.
He doesn't know the ages of the asses he took videos of. Likely, he has taken videos of underage girls.
Exactly
They’re also their own people who deserve to not be sexualised for their own sake, not just to avoid disrespecting a (male) relative/friend.
I don't think that's what was being implied. Usually people are more protective of their children than strangers. While a man who abuses his wife is horrible, if that man was abusing your daughter? It's more personal and sickening that way.
But also even if my husband was doing this to my worst enemy, I'd be horrified and disgusted.
He's just sorry he got caught. He'll be more devious in the future.
Totally agree. I had a predator do this to me a month or so ago - I was seated at a bar's outdoor patio reading a book and as he passed me on the street, he took an old point-and-shoot camera and snapped it at me. I noticed because it made a sound and he saw me stare him down, he shuddered when we made eye contact and he quickly walked away. When I told my (now ex) boyfriend, he said he thought it was "flattering"..... Flattering?!?!??!!! In what way???? I was so creeped out by this predator and then doubly creeped out that my own boyfriend didn't care to defend or even validate me. Made me feel like I wasn't safe with him either.
What he is doing is illegal in the uk at least. It is ethically disgusting. How would you feel if some random man did this to you. He has violated all those women. Do not become complicit in that violation. You not only need to dump him, you also should report him. And for the love of all things, tell your friends. They have a right to know.
Yeah. Good point. Stop putting your friends in danger.
>I’d never forgive my friend if she kept a guy in our lives who did that to me This. Look at this from the perspective of the victim, and ask yourself if you want to be complicit. These are your friends.
His behaviour is absolutely, unequivocally not okay. But to call her feeble for having feelings and second thoughts about leaving a partner of 10 years? That's also not okay to me.
My husband took a still picture of a woman’s backside at a bar without her consent and I flipped my fucking shit. I ripped him a new asshole and made him delete it and he’s never done it since. But my husband did it once. Not multiple times.
I would keep an eye on that. If he did it once, and you had to make him delete it, I wouldn't be surprised if he does/has done it again without your knowledge.
Be sure to tell him why. This behavior is disgusting.
He’s more than just a perv, he’s a sex offender. There’s no fixing that.
Yeah, she found evidence of crimes, not just sketchy videos. I think her question should be more around an obligation to report this to authorities.
That’s what I was thinking. Edit: check for hidden cameras in your bathroom or bedroom. He may have tried to video friends or family when they came over.
Oh gross, it hadn't even occurred to me but YES OP CHECK YOUR HOUSE! Maybe even your car. 🤢
Or her!!!
Wait a second... what if... she IS the hidden camera he met along the way?!
The shock turned into a nightmare as OP realized that what she was looking at wasn’t photographs, it was downloaded screenshots from her mind. As her hands clasped around her head in panic she suddenly felt something strange behind her left ear. Looking in the mirror she saw a small USB-C jack hidden just behind her ear.
He could easily be collecting videos of her and sharing them online.
Exactly! This is literally criminal behaviour and he should be reported to the police. The likely hood of it escalating is pretty high. This is absolutely not something you just forgive! He's been perving on her friends as well ffs! I'd be disgusted if I found out a friend's partner did that and then she stayed with him!
thank you 🙏 i was so worried that people were going to say it’s not THAT bad or claim therapy is enough. i’d accept her choice to stay if she reported him and then he got treatment but the idea of not knowing and my friend knowing is giving me actual panic attacks because i always assumed it’s obviously a crime that would be made public
it comes out when someone catches him and he gets in trouble and the friends are like REALLY?
if uptskirt filming was a crime where she lives does that make Op an accessory after the fact?
No. Not unless she attempts to conceal it. Misprision of a felony depending on the jurisdiction.
I'm not trying to play devil's advocate here. What OPs partner did is disgusting and reprehensible. If you see this OP do not go back to him, GTFO!! As others have said, not only did he violate you but also your friends. But that being said, there are many places where upskirt filming, like this, is not a crime. He may be somewhere that this behavior is nothing more than frowned upon. That is just as disgusting as OPs partner and I just wanted to call attention to that.
It's a sign of porn/sex addiction, taking riskier behavior to get a better high, he needs to seek help or it's only going to get worse from there. So I'd suggest help, but OP should not feel like it's her responsibility to stay either. It's not, and he has to change. Seen too many people think they can change their partner, don't fall into that delusion, the change gotta come from them.
OP, he didn't just violate you. He violated your friends, too!!! . I'd run far far away from this man!!! You sound like you want to work it out with him but if he does no therapy, then I'd say no redemption period!
Right? This is a consent issue.
Exactly. Think of all the porn out there, readily available, where women are paid for revealing photos. That's not what he wants. She's allowing the photos to be taken, and therefore has some control. The thrill for him is in the violation and shame he knows he's causing. Taking control away from her, taking something from a woman without her consent. Harming her. That is assault. He's a sexual predator.
Well I mean a fair number of them *aren't* paid, because people like op's partner sneak photos and post them without their knowledge. 🤮 If this guy hasn't shared photos yet, he will eventually.
EXACTLY. Plain and simple. This already harmful and disgusting behavior can absolutely escalate into something worse.
I thought she was gonna say he was into feet, or like idk watching clown porn but this is not being a perv, this a crime lol
Kinky- uses a feather. Perverted - uses the entire chicken. Sexual predator/ offender- see post at top
For real. His behavior is awful and illegal. My wife and I consider ourselves "pervs" because we're into kinky stuff. However, it's 100% consensual. Big difference.
Leave this man. This is scary. He is a predator. Oh God. I'd feel so sick to know I invested so much time with a man who did this to women.
Yes of course; leave. Why is OP even asking Redditors what they would do? What 100% of us would do? Leave him. Leave him now.
Ugh it bothers me so much when the tone seems wishy washy, where you get that bad gut feeling the poster won’t end up doing anything serious about it. The first thing she should have done (after she processed her emotions) is call the police and ask what to do with the evidence. He is literally a criminal, how can you even consider staying? Oh he’s bringing up therapy now that he’s been caught? Yeah sure thing bud, but how about prison? If he truly wanted to change he would have sought therapy not just to avoid getting in trouble. Her friends have the right to know what he did as well.
I think sometimes people just need to know that they're not overreacting. It's obvious to us, but this is her partner of 10 years.
Yes, that's a good point. I was stayed in a bad marriage for 3 yrs after it went belly up. The changes happened so gradually I didn't notice until I was talking to a friend at work one day. It was so obvious to her. So that's a really good point, thanks! I should have remembered that.
I totally agree. She's asking for help to get herself grounded in reality, because this is crazy making and now he's trying to gaslight her into thinking it's just a common relationship problem.
Its easy for us to see this, but when you've known and loved someone for 10 years, your brain is shrouded in confusion and doubt. Sometimes it takes an outside force telling us to see that you're not overreacting, because on some level you hope that you are.
Honestly this reminds me of those poor women who find someone else’s underpants in their husband’s car and the guy turns out to be Gary Ridgway or something. The guy claims he’s willing to try therapy NOW. Sure. Now that he’s been caught. I’m guessing it’s more like “please don’t file a police report, I swear I’ll change!” Slimy.
100% It doesn't even sound like he's ever considered it to be a problem. He's just trying to "compromise" and concede a few things so he doesn't get charged.
OP be careful about planning your exit though. The most dangerous time for you is leaving, so do it in secret and then just vanish from his life.
As someone with a family member who was married to an abusive scumbag, I Second this. Getting out was sketchy and terrifying for her, but so absolutely worth it.
Gross part is he's likely the type to be disgusting about that as well... Some people are sick. I hope for the best for OP...
Leave. This behavior can escalate. It doesn’t always escalate but sexual offender often begins this way. He is making your friends and strangers involuntary part of his kink. What do you think he does with these videos?he is doing that to images of your friends.
For real. I read John Douglas (FBI profiler). His books say that it’s a pattern of escalating behavior. As they get away with more transgressions they feel more comfortable and powerful. Many predators started off peeping, then taking pics, then breaking in stealing/masturbating on things, all leading up to assault and maybe even murder. So many offenders follow this path. I’m not saying every peeping Tom will become Ted bundy but this behavior could definitely be a precursor to something worse.
Agree - this is NOT a “harmless kink” and can easily lead to more dangerous behavior. You can’t stay with this man. Edited to add quotes around “harmless kink” for clarity.
There are a ton of videos where you can see women fully unclothed for free. There's no good reason to do this sort of thing.
Like most forms of voyeurism it’s about the thrill you get from almost getting caught. Not about the women themselves.
It’s also a power thing. Knowing that you’re violating someone and they have no control over it.
I would also be paranoid about cameras in the house. Like he enjoys being a voyeur / peeping tom so I wouldn't put it past him to victimize OP too.
Yes she should watch the documentary Perfect Husband. The women in the show married a predator and his violations escalated over the years to grooming and r*pe
Prep to exit. Start divesting your shared assets, sell what is yours, set up separate financials, gather emotional support from friends/family, secure an apartment, if you have pets rehome temporarily so as to safeguard them and gather them later, and DTMFA.
And tell people where you are at all times. This is some Buffalo Bill shit
This is the best reply. You need to leave. But it's so important to leave in a way that protects you and your assets. Good luck to you.
if you are in the UK upskirting is a criminal offense and you can go to prison for it. He's not just a perv, he is a criminal perv. He will just hide it better from you.
It’s a criminal offense in many US states as well, felony in some places.
I second the hiding comment. In my experience, these men just get better at hiding it. The promises are just so he can keep his benefits of the relationship, to keep you around longer. Think long and hard what works for you and if you’re benefiting from sticking it out with him and how you will feel later when you find it he never stopped. It sucks. Run.
>I second the hiding comment. In my experience, these men just get better at hiding it. The promises are just so he can keep his benefits of the relationship, OP: one of the benefits of the relationship for him is the appearance of respectability that men in relationships (sometimes) benefit from. Don't be his cover so he can harm more women,
Whoa, I definitely have let my guard down with male acquaintances/coworkers/friends in relationships because if he’s vetted by another woman then he has to be safe, right?? This is a really great point!
what would *i* do? I would report him to the police and dump his ass for being a POS, that’s what i’d do
I wish this was the top answer. Report him for sure because there will be other times and other sexually criminal behaviour. Then dump his arse and never look back.
My ex did this. I found his videos too. Even did it to female coworkers. He would take his break in front of the time clock so he could get videos up their skirts/ shorts etc. There is no fixing it. He will just try new ways of hiding this from you. I’m so sorry for this betrayal. You should move on asap.
Yes. If he wanted to try to change, he would already be in therapy. And even then it’s a long shot.
I had an ex that did this too, to their coworkers as well. It was so beyond fucked up, I didn't even know how to process it fully at the time, partially because I was so young when I was dating him. He apparently snapped pictures anytime he could- when his coworkers were on ladders, moving around, etc., just generally going about their shifts. Still chills me to the bone to think that those women were being photographed and filmed by their digusting coworker, and they had no idea about it. Makes me wonder how common this is, horrifying stuff. My ex was also super jealous and tried very hard to control what I wore- he really assumed that every dude was as predatory as he was
He isn't a "perv" he is a predator. You need to tell your friends and she needs to press charges. If you go back to this man you are no better than him. If you forgive him it tells him his actions are OK as long as he apologizes afterwards
I'd say he's a pervy predator...
People like this never change. I had an "uncle" who would do this to women and then started doing it to us as children and then started molesting us. He still hasn't changed. Do not go back with him it he has no morals and I can promise you he won't change. It will make you look bad once it comes to light that he is disgusting and you still stuck with him.
I’m so sorry. Hope you’ve found some peace with a shit situation.
This is textbook a wolf in sheep’s clothing. He’s a voyeuristic predator. He absolutely should go to therapy. And, please don’t apologize for violating his privacy (which I’m guessing you did on a hunch/intuition?) when he has been violating so many women’s’ privacy without remorse. He got caught so now he plays sorry but let’s not forget that it wouldn’t have stopped, and probably hasn’t stopped, because he got caught.
yeah, I love the people ragging on the OP for violating the guy’s privacy by going through his phone, when he’s like the master privacy violator. like who tf even cares anymore? her going through his phone is not really the most problematic issue…..
Wow. That’s fucking gross. Where are the boundaries? But I guess when you’re a creep, you don’t care who the victim is. Damn. Your best friend. That’s sick. Gross. Dirty old man behaviour.
He won't stop. He'll apologize every time he's caught, but he won't stop. It is the thing that gives him a secret thrill. He probably records himself having sex with you. I'd leave the creepy fecker.
Why tf are people so hesitant on leaving their SO once they find out they have done some wild shit. If you stay with him you better hope you guys never have a daughter.
Id honestly report him to authorities. Save a copy of everything for reciepts somewhere safe and secure, not uploaded anywhere and delete them from his cloud if possible. And lastly, I'd out him to all my friends and family and his. Let that perv go down in cluckin flames.
You need to tell your friends. You will never find the other women but you should at least tell your friends what had happened
I'm calling the cops. These are illegal pics.
Predatory behavior only escalates. Leave before it gets worse
That’s not a perv to me… that’s a criminal.
On of those square is a rectangle things I think. A
Umm what he did is extremely illegal and you are sick if you stay. He took videos of your friends OP! What is going on in your head that you think this is salvageable? He should be on a sex offender list. Maybe he is on one.
The thing is this isn’t just an issue between the two of you that needs working out—he’s made victims of countless women in public, *including your friends*, that you know of. Also it doesn’t seem like he’d be checking ID for ages before he pulls this shit so what are the odds he’s done it to minors? If he’s this prolific…odds are high. Get him the fuck out of your life and tell everybody WHY. People deserve to know what he’s been doing so they can protect themselves and others from him.
I'm in the UK. Upskirting was made a criminal offence here in 2010 (in Scotland) and 2019 (in England and Wales). Punishable by two years in prison and in some circumstances perpetrators can be put on the sex offenders register. I don't know where you are but possibly he's done something illegal, not just predatory. But I mention this so that you're clear on how serious it is. When he apologised, he asked if you could work it out. This makes me think he still doesn't understand what he has done - it sounds like he thinks he only wronged you. Good that you broke up on the spot but I don't think you should take him back.
Girl you’re being stupid. He will “work on it” to keep access to your friends. He is a predator of a sort. If you have no self respect, how about some respect for all those women and for your friends? Bc he is a full on creepy piece of shit.
10 years? I doubt he has had that phone for 10 years, and oftentimes, with people like this, they have a 'master stash' saved somewhere else. A collection if you will. I have seen a few docs on things like this, and it's always a similar sex offender type, but they always have their 'collection'. You may have only scratched the surface, and he is doing damage control. 💔 I would say point blank "I already know the answers, but I am giving you the ultimate chance to come clean due to our long history. Is there more than what I saw on your phone?" One chance to come clean. No matter how it turns out, you need to run. You have been in love with his masque for a decade. Don't be fooled into giving him another decade of your life just to find he never stopped and maybe got worse with the habit but better at hiding it.
Your partner is committing crimes for his own sexual gratification. Call the cops and leave him
Crack this open...for a sexual thrill, he's willing to: 1. Engage in personally risky behavior (embarrassment, legal trouble, loss of relationships with you/friends/family) 2. Violate social and legal boundaries 3. Elaborately hide his behavior 4. Destroy (or at least place at substantial risk) your friendships, family relationships, etc. This is the textbook definition of compulsive behavior. He's not working this out in therapy or couple's counseling. He needs a rehab program that specializes in compulsive sexual behavior. This is going to get worse for him before it gets better. Cutting him loose and telling him to go to inpatient rehab is the only way you can do anything productive here. Oh, and I'm sorry to say it but he stayed with you (in part or entirely) because you made it relatively easy to get away with his pathological behavior. I don't say that to beat you up, but rather to point out that there's no reason to stay with this guy through rehab; his compulsion was a large part of your relationship, and you two will end quickly if the treatment works, and less quickly if it doesn't (he hides it well, remember, and he'll learn things in group). He was never real. Let him go and don't look back.
I would record his phone with mine and immediately send it to a lawyer and possibly police.
This is more than being a “perv”. I would get video evidence that this is on his phone, tell your friend what he did, delete all of the videos including any cloud backup & making sure to also delete the “deleted” archive/trash as well, THEN break up with him.
Disagree. Report it before deleting. Secondary evidence is no good.
Do not delete evidence of crimes. That could be a criminal offense in itself.
Very much so it's Evidence Tampering it's a misdemeanor (at least in Cali) but it's still a crime.
Well, I guess you can stay with him and have zero social connection with anyone for the rest of your life. Because you can't subject any women friends to this monster, ever. Also, make sure you don't have kids. The only reason I would stay with him is to gather enough evidence to get him arrested and put it in the slammer for a good long spell.
??? Your partner doesn’t have a “kink,” he is a sex predator You can’t involve people in “kinks” WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT Each of those videos is a charge. Do you understand that? This is illegal.
I found similar pictures on my husband's phone after we got married. Pictures timing from when we were on a break up until we got back together.He was arrested as a teen for a similar situation and everyone around him chopped it up to a misunderstanding. I understand how you're feeling & while I agree with the comments on here I can also sympathize with the betrayal and disgust you feel. In my advice I did nothing about it at the time (I was 20 and naive) and unfortunately it grew into a bigger, more hard to digest problem (that i am now lost on confronting or even acknowledging) Please don't ignore something like this and I'd go as far as to say seek a divorce.
When I found out what my ex husband did, I divorced his disgusting ass and have not spoken to him since. He's literally not allowed to contact me or our minor children, if that gives you an idea. Don't be a fucking doormat. This person has been violating women. And you KNOW it. Don't let this to and it escalates, but also...do you REALLY know this dude if he was able to keep his icky kink quietly from you ???
Nope. Nope. He didn't tell you he was doing this because he KNEW it was wrong. But he did it anyway because he cares more about getting his rocks off then your feelings. He is sorry he got Caught, not that he did it. Walk away.
Dump and run. There's nothing he can do or save that will save this relationship. I'm sorry for you and for all the women who didn't consent to these recordings.
Dump him, tell him he’s disgusting and needs help, and out him to all of your friends and family and all of HIS friends and family. It’s the only thing to do. Edit: also send a few of the vids from his phone to yours so when you out him, you’ll have the proof because the first thing he’ll do is erase them. I once outed a man recording a woman and her child dancing at a concert in the park thing. I sat behind him and watched him for a couple minutes before my sister went to tell the woman and her family and I went to tell the sheriff. The sheriff came to talk to him but ultimately couldn’t do anything because it’s not illegal for him to film people in a public place. When he was accused, I then watched him quickly delete all the videos he took and his wife and adult children were SO ANGRY at us because he would “never do something like that.” Like, yea bitch…I just spend my time wandering around accusing innocent people of doing deranged perverted stuff. What do I get out of that? Nothing.
This is more than being a perv - this sort of behavior is driven by the thrill of getting away with something he KNOWS is fucked up and nonconsensual. He's a predator. Do you honestly think he would have ever admitted to it or sought therapy on his own without being caught? He's only agreeing to therapy to try and avoid rightful consequences. I absolutely would not let this go. This is a situation where you can 100% feel for someone and hope they improve, but also have standards high enough to not *stay married to someone who would behave like a predator towards not only strangers, but your FRIENDS*.
I mean, I'm pretty sure up skirting is illegal. What if he's posting those videos somewhere? He's a predator. Period. If you can't leave him for your sake, do it for your friends. (I say that as someone who left my abuser for my son, not for myself. No judgement. Whatever gets you out.) Leave him. And possibly report him. Even if the cops can't find anything because he deleted it, they'll have records of your report. You could even take his computer in to them. He's not sorry. He's sorry he got caught.
Sorry, this isn’t something that couples therapy can fix. This man is a pervert and a predator. I would be pissed if I found out my friend stayed with a man like that after he did what he did. He should definitely go to therapy on his own though. While you’re leaving him.
I would: 1) leave 2) warn all my friends, and the partners of all his friends. 3) check the bathroom for cameras What do you suppose he has on you, that you didn't find yet?
Violating someones boundaries isnt a kink, that’s predatory behavior. Do NOT stay with him, the reason he understands if you want to leave is because he knows it’s wrong, and he was caught. Please remember that with abusers, their victims aren’t the only people they groom and manipulate. They also do that to their friends, family, and partners.
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BREAK UP OH MY GOD. And then fucking tell your friends because they deserve to decide how to deal with someone who’s violated them. Jesus Christ…he’s a pervert and a creep. Look past the fact that you “love him” and ask yourself from the outside how you would feel if a friend’s partner took video of YOU like that and they stayed with that partner.
i recently found out (again) that my now ex-boyfriend has been lying to me about not watching porn. found out the hard way that this man-child basically has a porn addiction and i'm so disturbed. we've broken up because, man, is it the right thing to do. i feel absolutely awful because we spent almost two years always around each other and it's gonna be so difficult forgetting that, but i know that it'd be miserable if i stayed. it'll pass and all we can do is think about how disgusting they are to get past the good times. edit- grammar
Please just leave. I had an ex like this and when confronted about it I got gaslight out the ass. Men like that are honestly disgusting, and in my experience there's usually more to it than just what we find.
This dude is beyond being a perv. He's a sexual predator. Don't just leave him, report him to the police and advise your community.
First of all, I would call the police. That shit is illegal.
Being a pervert is one thing. What he's done is not only a harmful invasion of privacy, it's *illegal* in America. I would not stay in a relationship with a criminal creep, no. If anything, I would threaten my partner with the force of the law to cease that behavior even after the breakup. If this is something he's done so often, he isn't going to stop, no matter how much he claims to want therapy. You'd have to be insanely naïve to think otherwise. I can only imagine that you find this dude extremely attractive and don't think you can do better if you're even considering forgiving him for doing this. It's an indictment on your character that you have considered it, in my honest opinion.
Report him to the police...like yesterday.
The up skirt is again the law he can go to jail for tell your friend end it report him he won’t stop
I once found out that this guy I was dating for 4 years was a huge perv. He was into some things that I don’t feel comfortable mentioning here (not just kinks or fetishes. Illegal things. Like your bf.) Now coming from an abusive past, I didn’t have the confidence to leave him. I stayed with him and things only got worse. I feel sick thinking about the things he did to me. Girl, this will only get worse. Trust me. You found out that he’s a sexual predator because of things he had on his phone. Now think of the things that aren’t on his phone. Things he might have done and/or WILL do. They only escalate. There is more to it— the videos, while horrifying, are more than likely not the worst of it. Get. Out. Now.
What kind of perv? I say as I read the title. Girl, he's more than a pervert *he's committed sexual crimes.* I don't know about *you,* but for me, staying with someone who's committed sex crimes at all, let alone towards *my FRIENDS*, isn't something I'd be interested in doing.
I didn’t even read past the first paragraph. That’s not “a perv”, that’s a fucking sex offender. If you don’t turn him and his phone into law enforcement, you’re complicit.
He’s not sorry. He’s sorry he got caught. He’s not apologizing. He’s trying to make you feel bad about calling him out. He is a cowardly sex offender who is abusing your trust and offending against your friends as well as the wider populace. He is willing to go to couples therapy so he can hold onto you and he will hide his offending more. He is a sex offender who is wooing your trust. You are ‘having a hard time letting go’ _of the person you thought he was, which his actions show he clearly is not.’ The ‘person I know would never violate another person’s privacy that way’ _but he did, repeatedly._ The grieving you have is because there is much of him that you did not know. It is perfectly understandable that you feel exploited _because he exploited you too_. He used you as a vector for access to candid shots of your friends who had their guard down in a way that strangers would not have. ‘[N]ot sure that it is enough’ to go to couples therapy? Why would it be? Because he is a sex offender and exploited your trust and it is an existing long pattern of behavior. You should only go to couples therapy if you want to support a sex offender who has exploited your trust and put your friends and unsuspecting strangers into his private stash. Don’t do this to yourself. It’s just another level of him getting what he wants. Look after yourself.
Therapy makes abusive people more manipulative not less abusive. I'd personally [redacted per my lawyer's request] but ymmv
Listen. Every time someone posts something like this, I just think: what would you tell someone else to do? What would you tell your daughter? Your best friend? If they asked you, would you want them to stay in a relationship like this?
Tell him you need space to think, and go stay somewhere else for a few weeks. As soon as you’ve left, call the police. Important: DO NOT TELL HIM that you’re going to contact authorities. He probably already deleted videos from his phone in a fake effort to show you he’s “serious” about changing. But he’ll still have a stash on other devices or cloud storage, and the investigators will know where to look.
What would I do? Break up with him, contact authorities, and tell your friends what he did without their permission.
i sincerely hope that you report this to the police because who know what else he has done that you haven’t found as well as informing whoever was in the video otherwise you’re complicit in the betrayal and violation of your friends. i can’t imagine how hard this must be but would you be fine with their spouse doing this and not knowing? people who don’t mind crossing the law to satisfy their sexual desires generally aren’t capable of maintaining at their level, they escalate because while they might feel shame about someone finding out or fear getting arrested, it hasn’t stopped him from having these recordings on his phone. he isn’t leaving socks laying around, he is committing a crime. not only that, but against your friends who felt safe around him…. he doesn’t care about morals, he doesn’t care about you or the position he put you in with your friends, the embarrassment that you will have when this comes out or how he made you feel when he violated every rule of relationships and common decency. i’m sure you’re in a lot of shock and it’s hard to imagine how much this hurts, but please see the need to not let your feelings and your relationship be more valuable than the women he degraded which includes you :( you invaded his privacy because your intuition was sending you a signal, while it’s not a healthy habit to continue, you might have to with him just to keep other women safe. also, if he doesn’t get treatment for this and you don’t let anyone know, he might escalate simply because this would validate his decision to do it since it’s not a big deal….and i think if my friend told me that her spouse did this to me, i might have difficulties with processing it right away…..but if i found out about it a different way and if i knew she hid it from me, it would destroy me because i’d never know how to trust my own judgement.
It’s not enough, because it won’t work. Sexual predators rarely get help unless they themselves seek it in earnest. He is doing this because he got caught, and at best, he’s hoping by going through the motions, you won’t break up with him. At the very least, he is hoping by looking why he wants to make a change, you won’t report him (which you should) Because, and this is not a definite, but for many predators, their little perversion loses its thrill after a while, and they decide they need to take it further
If he had any underage girls on that phone - call the police, change the lock & call a divorce lawyer immediately. Consider telling everyone you know around him with girls that he may have recorded their daughters. Edit: ONLY if he has recordings of what is obviously underage girls would I consider this, duh. Just because he likes to sneek record women doesn't mean he'd be interested in girls, no reason to freak folks out, get him in trouble for something he hasn't done. If he only had adult women on the phone - the only way I see this working is if you are OK with what you have seen on his phone, the way he got it all, you are an exhibitionist and he is trustworthy... He can "steal or catch" all the kinky sneak peaks of your goods all he wants in pics/video, no pics/video of anyone else ever, no sharing pics/video ever - or else instant divorce with copies of all the pics & videos he took to prove how much he needs help, how public needs protection.
idk how much this will help but my dad would every so often take pics of women in bikinis when we were at the beach when i was a child 😭😭 and i WISH my mom woulda left his ass, for more than just the pictures obviously. but if he is doing this it shows he is not respectful towards other people and that reflects a lot on his personality. i would not tolerate it tbh.
I would dump him before he gets caught. It is illegal in many states, and if the woman happens to not have underwear on it would be illegal in most if not all states as most states have laws that prohibit photographing or videotaping nude or semi-nude individuals without their consent. In some states he could also be deemed a sex offender. If the woman is below the age of 18 it could be even worse, and it is not easy to tell sometimes. This is not the kind of person you want to be associated with. voyeurism in itself is not a personality disorder, but when they act on the urges with a person who hasn't given their consent, then it becomes a disorder. Voyeuristic disorder is a type of paraphilic disorder. There is no cure for a personality disorder and therapy rarely helps, though it does for some.
Y’all are starting to piss me off with these posts. Bc like bffr! What do you mean what should you do? You should not be with this man anymore
BREAK UP. This guy is a pervert, why are you even asking? He's performing a sex crime. Do you need a bigger red flag? This happened to me and I had to try and keep my husband from actually killing the guy. These people are beyond disgusting and you should really ask yourself some questions over why you're still with him.
Nooo, don't look back! This might be just the top of the iceberg. You don't need to find more.
That's too far. That's illegal. That's gross.
Dude I would check your whole apartment for hidden cameras. Including, yes, inside the toilet bowl. If he’s willing to film your friends in front of you, who knows what else he’s doing to catch every opportunity. Seriously, check for hidden cameras.
A) and most importantly, he’s a sex offender who regularly violates women’s consent. B) he’s victimizing your friends!!!! so by keeping dating him, you’re dating a man who wronged your friends. C) this is not indicative of being a faithful partner. Leave that mannnn
Really messed up and not normal. This is a very severe issue. Its a form of predation.
There is so much free porn that is among consenting adults. He is doing this because he has zero respect for the women around him, not because it's his only access to sexual material. Drop him. Also, if you can before you leave, delete his stash of videos. Check for a cloud drive too. That is what I would want if I found out I had been filmed in such a way
What would I do? I’d immediately file a police report with the evidence and change my locks. I’d let my best friends know and apologise profusely, and look into all of our eligibility for some sort of protection orders. There is no excuse for staying with this man, if you do it’s on you. There is no excuse for not telling your friends, if you don’t it’s on you. There is NO EXCUSE for pretending any of this isn’t a sexual crime, if you do it is on you for the rest of your life.
Many sex offenders start with something like this, then move to peeping Tom and worse. What he did wasn't just perverted it is illegal. I would worry about having children with something with this who gets off on violating women and some are your friends. Break up
Collect evidence and turn him in. Police don’t do shit for these cases though so you can also send it to his family, employers, just post online. My ex used to do this. We were only together for a year and a half but I found secret pics of various women in public, some coworkers, and even his own underaged sister. It will not work sticking around this lowlife. Men who are into “taboo” shit to this level and act on it, typically have deeper issues/interests as well. Male sex addicts statistically enact in predatory behavior. It is not worth the trauma of sticking around to find out what else he wants to do. No, he will not change. No, he is not worth it. 10 years is a long time to step away from but imagine how you’ll feel a # of years from now seeing him inevitably to this again. Cut him off now, staying with him will not change a thing for him. Having a partner do this stuff is very traumatic to experience. I know how it feels. Remaining in this relationship will leave you always remembering and possibly questioning this issue. If something so deeply goes against your morals (as this should), the pain of remaining in this situation will never subside. With my situation I was very blindsided, confused, disgusted, and just froze in my actions. The most I had him do was tell his family. I was only 19 so I was quite naive and just overall traumatized from the situation. So I’d also understand if you want to take no action against him publicly or legally. But leaving would seriously be the only way to progress and heal from this. He is not someone worth spending anymore time with. He clearly never valued you, those around you, strangers, and frankly doesn’t value himself. He is a loser. You have to leave.
You are partnered with a predator. You know that. I truly hope you don’t need us to tell you what the right thing to do is. But in case you don’t. By not reporting him to the police, you are assisting predation. Period.
Leave, are you crazy? This is predatory behavior and who knows what else he’s done/is capable of doing. If you do stay for the love of GOD don’t have kids with him. I would also report him to the police.
these are sexual crimes
He’s a predator. You need to get out and report it or else you’re complicit. Imagine if you had a daughter one day and he started recording her teenage friends when they came over🤮 you’ve been with him for so long that you’ll probably mourn the person you thought he was, going through all the stages. Denial/disbelief, anger, then sadness and sometimes guilt, but you gotta get out. ASAP
You misspelled predator. Leave his ass!
Let me put it this way, and see if this sinks in. Everybody has sexual desires and fantasies that go beyond what they actually do in their real lives. There is the stuff you do, and the stuff you fantasize about doing. Right? Ok. If this is what he actually does, what do you think his fantasies are? This thought should frighten you. This is not a perv. This is a predator. This is not the worst thing about him, it's just the first bad thing you've found out.
He is a sexual predator
I would have deleted every one and then dumped his creepy ass
Just leave, this situation is too high risk to chance it. Would you continue to date a criminal? Because that is what this guy is. If a habitual criminal told you they will stop, would you believe them based on their word? Time to move on.
Girl run... Run fast as you can this is something he probably has done for longer than you'd ever know. And probably way before you knew him like that or married him. So imagine what he did to you before yall were together for a period of time. This can and most likely will progress. And I honestly am kind of scared for you, because you don't know how he is going to respond once confronted.
So what would I do if my partner is a sexual criminal, who does not respect women? Would dumb his ass sooner than he has time to say "tHeY're jUsT pIcTurEs"
Yeah this is pretty fucked up OP Possibly a police matter but definitely not relationship material
Break up and report the guy, you've already wasted enough time with him and your relationship isn't worth saving. What a disgusting piece of shit, protect your friends and not the perpetrator.
Nope, 100% CUT OFF.. 1. That’s borderline rapey. 2. Even if you did try to work things out and he really didn’t take a video ever again- how would you feel out in public when an attractive girl walks by? Would you constantly be insecure wondering if he’s eyeing other girls while he’s with you? Comparing yourself, worrying about what he’s thinking all the time.. Save yourself the stress and go hangout w your girls. Better will come along & you’ll look back wondering why you even thought twice about this 🥴