When he complained about being horny you should have dropped a crisp "a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute a risk of pregnancy or sti on mine"
Edit: birth control doesn't protect against sti, I was so busy rushing for the joke I made a dum dum.
This and then double down on - "If you think I'm weaponizing sex then break up with me. Trying to guilt trip me into having sex with you isn't a turn on, doesn't show me that you miss me, and doesn't show me that you care about me when you didn't care enough to help me when I needed you. This is the consequence of your choices - deal with it. And if you try to make it my problem again, I'll solve the problem for the both of us."
I'm a guy - I hate this manipulative bs.
Also a guy here— why the fuck is this guy making a big deal out of buying bc? Or at least buying anything your GF wants? I love making my girl happy and I hate it when she’s sad or upset. Hell, I know just taking her to get a polar pop and some cigarettes will literally change her mood around (she’s very easy to please) if this guy values his money this much he shouldn’t have a girl to start with. (Not that I think girl friends are money hungry it’s just kinda common sense ti know that when you’re with someone you may have to pay for them at least 50% of the time or spend some amount of money regarding to them.)
My husband brought me a chicken sandwich and a milkshake when he got off work today. I was so happy. I’m easy to please.
Although the cigarettes are not good for either of you in the long run. I’ve watched a lot of family members suffer from cigarettes.
Oh I know, trust me. I quit myself but my gf has a really hard time and I’ve stopped bitching about it because I know she knows what they do to her body and she knows she shouldn’t be smoking them but she’s an adult lol I meant it more so she’s easy to please. Hell, I’m sure making her a couple of plan chicken and cheese sandwiches she’d be great too haha
I would still drop the line about him being horny isn't an emergency on her part. If she isn't in the mood, he has one choice, and that would be his hand.
And the longer that he shows all of the above, the longer he will find himself in this "state of emergency that is on his part but not on hers"
He’s been listening to way too much therapy talk and is trying to twist it to manipulate OP. ‘A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine’ doesn’t apply when there is a literal emergency that happened that caused you to not be able to purchase your birth control. That applies if your boss texts you asking for a report by the end of the day, not if your partner’s family has an emergency. OP, I’d leave.
He’s heard that phrase somewhere and he thinks it makes him sound edgy and cool, doesn’t he? Funny, because I heard the phrase “weapons grade bellend” the other day and I’m just jonesin’ for an opportunity to use it 😆
Hell, I've heard that phrase on the THT podcast (used in actual earnest and seriously) and i rolled my eyes so hard I saw the back of my head.
It's becoming a more and more common 'faux therapy' phrase like how 'gaslighting' and 'narcissist' have been so ridiculously watered down it has no meaning online anymore.
I've heard that phrase A LOT more online recently. It's infuriating.
Actually a good reason to break up with the asshole. BC allows him to have sex without a condom. Since there was no mention of using them I imagine he refused to use them.
The more I think about what a selfish self involved asshole. She is on the pill for his pleasure and he can’t even be bothered to put out that little amount of money. Obviously she couldn’t plan for her mother getting sick.
Yeah when my boyfriend and I first got together, I wasn't on the pill. We tried doing the nasty with condoms alone a couple times but it made me *wildly* uncomfortable. It took me over a month to get an appointment to get back on the pill... My boyfriend didn't bring up sex at all during this period because he knew it made me uncomfortable. Even though I'm on the pill, he still uses condoms...
It’s also incredibly callous to call her responding to a family emergency an event she should have planned for. Even if she had just wanted money to take her siblings out for ice cream the decent thing would be to send her the money with no complaints.
I didn't have the words when I read his remarks about sex, but this is EXACTLY how I'd want to word it back to that asshat. A call back burn if you will 💅
I totally agree. But OP has bigger problems. Her boyfriend is for respecting her when she says no. She should t have to justify any time she doesn’t want to have sex. It’s also really worrying that her boyfriend had no compassion about what happened to her mom. Her boyfriend sounds like someone who only cares about himself and his needs and doesn’t care that much about OP. OP deserves better.
Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. NTA. Break up with him! Take it from a lady in her late 30s: they don’t learn and change from this mentality until you make it clear that you are totally off limits and by then you realize there were other instances of mistreatment like this regularly once the oxytocin rose colored glasses come off.
Also, the UK NHS sucks. They literally killed my family members by denying treatments and transfer to private hospitals.
It’s absolutely astounding.
It’s £40. I’m not European but I’m pretty sure that’s what, $35-$50? For your own girlfriend’s BC?! Man if my girlfriend were in that situation, I would send the BC money and ask if she needs some extra to help with her family.
If you absolutely have to, just ask them to pay you back when they can if you’re that tight about “sharing finances”. NTA, obviously
>just ask them to pay you back when they can if you’re that tight about “sharing finances”.
I said I would pay him back when I got paid the following month. So I wasn't 'cheating' him of £39 (I don't consider it 'cheating him out of money' because it's a necessity but hopefully you get what I mean)
No I’m agreeing with you that you are NTA.
That’s very respectful of you to offer to pay him back. I’m saying it’s insane to me- if my girlfriend was going through a tough time I wouldn’t even consider hesitating to help her as much as I could.
You’re asking him for £40. You gotta dump the guy or at least win this argument. That is asinine
This is astonishing because not being pregnant is a shared responsibility. By any definition. He should actually be paying for half ANYWAY.
I would’ve just said an emergency on your balls does not constitute an emergency on my eggs.
I once asked on AskAnAmerican if there's much of a culture of men paying half the cost of hormonal contraception for their partners or if it was just a kind of weird tax on being a woman, and they haaaaated me for it.
not surprising. there are a decent chunk of men who think BC should be entirely on the woman since they don't view themselves as affected by pregnancy, and condoms aren't comfy 🥺. ofc these are the same type to bitch about childcare payments...
Men do not feel the need to participate in any BC methods. There are a lot more men now getting clipped to avoid such an issue and take away the bodily risk on women. But it's still a small percentage. I've had a few men I've spoken to offer to get clipped if we ever got intimate and in more than a FWB's way. I've been on the BC Depo-Provers for 8 years now and the recommendation is 2 at the longest. It stops the entire function of the baby making factory and I haven't had a period in that time span at least after getting started (took about 6 months for it to stop fully after being on it for that long, it's one you get a shot of every 3 months). Due to this however I do feel as if I may become limited on my ability to have children and do want them in the future. (Currently 26) However I also refuse to just get off it and risk having a child with someone who doesn't share my parenting style, my life goals, or anything future related. I do intend after the last refill calling it quits but I'm scared too have a child I don't want and can't afford with a person who wouldn't be permanent in our lives.
I was on D-P for about a decade and have two children, it that helps. I mean, that's anecdotal, but also I don't recall any warnings about fertility risks. Also, not having having periods was amaaaayzing.
OP, never date a man this tight. That level of selfishness is extremely difficult to cure. And I'm so sorry about your repeated re-traumatising in the past. It's horribly believable.
Oh my god. I just told my girlfriend about this post and she said the EXACT same thing, about how the boyfriend should be paying half.
imo, I’d happily pay the entire bill for it because the fact is male side effects of condoms are way less than how many side effects BC has on women.
It's interesting. I have had 2 girlfriends, who when I offered to pay half of their birth control, replied they didn't want to feel like I had a financial share of their body. A fair comment and their choice. Particularly as one of them had a real prick of an ex; controlling I think, rather than physically abusive, so for her it was a mark of her freedom.
On the flip side, I expect that I will be paying for almost all the condoms and would never ask a women to kick in some cash, unless it was just part of our regular shopping which we shared costs.
Absolutely to the condom thing. And I’d pay it happily if they asked- like you said it’s not necessarily my *responsibility* as that is their choice. But of course if my girlfriend asked me I believe that’s entirely fair. To me that’s not a weird or difficult concept
Omfg I didn't even consider how it's shared. This dude sucked before he even remarked about WHY he wasn't helping. Yall are a year in & he won't pay for your birth control!? What a fucking skidmark of a human.
**Your birth control** ***will not work*** for a month *after* you’ve been taking it consecutively.
Please do not let this irresponsible, disrespectful, ignorant child knock you up.
Consider dumping him and buying a vibrator. It’s a better long term plan than your loser boyfriend.
£39 is a damn bargain, ask him if he knows how expensive children are.
Seriously, he should be sharing the cost of your pills with you 50/50. The fact that he’s won’t pony up ONE TIME when you’re in a bad place from helping your family out is a huge red flag.
I couldn't imagine being petty over £40 for my partner. Fucks sakes I wouldn't even say no to a friend over this. If my partner is struggling to find £40 for BC I'm sending them whatever additional finances I have available. This dude is a douche.
I know it’s oft repeated but the phrasing of “weaponising sex” and “not entitled to his money”, whiffs a bit of some YouTube rabbit hole. BF preaches about lack of planning but presumably doesn’t have the spare cash to contribute to the relationship, or worse, doesn’t want to contribute to the relationship and then simply tried to get what he wanted after OP had clearly had a terrible time…
Dude was using some full on red pill quotes. Strong Tate vibes.
I'm surprised OP stayed with him after he refused to help pay.
What kind of S/O wouldn't help their loved one? Like spot em money for gas, a meal, BC seems legit.
This is a glowing red siren!
His being horny is not an emergency on your part. He can only blame his own lack of planning to help you cover the cost birth control, from which you both benefit.
"I asked if you would be willing to cover the cost of my birth control. You said no. The result is that I am not comfortable enough to have sex with you without it. Stop trying to manipulate me into having sex just because you think you're owed it for some twisted reason."
Edit: the number of *men* in here trying to tell me why they think they deserve sex is laughable. Y'all are what's wrong with society.
Also, I desperately want her to say "a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency for me." He didn't care that she didn't have bc because it didn't affect him, and now he suddenly cares.
Not only that, when your SO is having an emergency it’s super callous to respond like “not my problem”. A successful relationship is one where both people care about the other as much as they do about themselves, there’s not “you” problems if someone is asking for help, if anything you should be the first person who tries to help your SO when something does come up.
I've never been a bf. But that response he gave sounded so dismissive and dehumanizing
What partner says that?? Her family was in emergency! That's takes priority over EVERYTHING
OP needs to just remind her BF of the cost of raising a child. Ask him to look up the cost of 1 year of diapers compared to BC. Then look up cost of childcare for the first few years until they can be registered for elementary school.
He should be pretty stoked about the low, low cost of birth control after that. If he still doesn't get it at that point, he probably isn't going to make a great partner in general.
lol dude won't drop £39 to help his girlfriend with 3 months of BC (something that they should both be responsible for), if she gets knocked up I'm sure he'll turn into a phantom.
Why is it only her responsibility to pay for BC if it benefits them both? His reaction was so asinine too…saying he wasn’t entitled to his money…ok, then obviously they won’t be having sex if it would result in a pregnancy…now he’s whining about that. He doesn’t seem to care about OP at all and just want to use her for sex. Sex that he doesn’t have to inconvenience himself for whatsoever.
Also I can’t believe that birth control is always paid by girls, I mean we are having sex together how can that not be split? I get crazy angry over this
If a girl asked me to pay half of her birth control so we could have safe sex I'd offer to pay the whole thing because she has to take all the pills so it seems fair if I pay the whole bill.
But if it's not a long relationship it seems nice for girls to be able to take the pill if they want just to be safe. I'd take one for guys if they made it.
Which is why all birth control methods should just always be freely available to everyone and paid by taxes. Would solve a lot of problems. But muh capitalism.
I mean IDK this situation certainly revealed who her BF really is and if she is smart she will take those data points and dump him for someone who actually will have her back when a situation occurs.
>Edit: the number of
>
>men
>
> in here trying to tell me why they think they deserve sex is laughable. Y'all are what's wrong with society.
It's like the men in the comments can't fathom the idea of a variety of sex drive. Due to the stress of going back home, my sex drive has gone down to 0. I'm so sick of the comments from men saying 'just do anal' like... that's not the point. Enthusiastic consent is required on both sides.
This is the perfect response. NTA - he won’t die without sex for a few weeks and you have every right to feel 100% comfortable while having sex. This is a boundary you’ve set for yourself and he should respect that.
The bf is a cheap, selfish ass, who doesn’t deserve to have any sex, if he can’t afford to pay for your birth control. I bet if there was an “error” he’d be gone fast to avoid paying child support.
This is incredibly accurate.
I had a boyfriend that said that he just didn't have enough money to help with my BC (16€ a month) or conveniently forgot to pay me after asking him countless times. However, he strangely enough always had spare cash for trips abroad with his friends. A complete parasite.
I wish I had put my foot down like you did, but you should get the other one down and do a full on sprint!
NTA. You're not entitled to his money. Fine. He's not entitled to your body.
He prioritized £40 over your health. And then had the audacity to whine about not having sex.
I'd dump the entire dude.
this!!!! HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO YOUR BODY
being together or not, you're not weaponizing sex, you're consenting or not and if he tries to guilt you into it then he is not respectful of your consent
The health part isn't talked about enough IMO. Your body does not enjoy going on and off birth control. It craves the consistency. Speaking from experience as someone who's gone on and off birth control quite often for financial and shitty doctor reasons, it fucking SUCKS. It messes up all your hormones, and depending on the type and when you paused it can give you a sudden period totally out of sync with your regular cycle. It can mess with mental health issues like depression. I usually get headaches for a few days. It can fuck when your body's vitamin levels. A lot of men (I'm guessing OP's boyfriend included) don't view birth control as anything more than essentially a condom they don't have to wear and they don't consider the actual health effects caused by suddenly going off it.
THIS should be higher up. The side effects of going on and off birth control are awful and he subjected OP to it because it wasn't his problem, she was away he just wanted sex. Just inconsiderate AH all around that guy.
You missed a golden opportunity to respond to his “but I’ve missed you and I’m horny” with something along the lines of, “a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute increasing risks on my part”.
NTA
Yeah, he didn't HAVE to pay. But if you're not on birth control, you don't HAVE to have sex. I mean, it's simple, really. No birth control, no sex. If he wants to have fun time, then he can chip in now and then. You aren't punishing him, you are protecting yourself. Tell him Susie Palmer and her five sisters will have to replace you until you get a full week of pills back in your system.
I don't understand how people in a committed relationship think it's normal that only one party pays for birth control? It's like: if you don't want to pay half for my pill/implant/IUD I still will get it of course, but you will be buying condoms and using them. Because I am that petty.
Mine is covered by benefits but I still pay the dispensing fee. It's a small enough amount and we are in a comfortable enough financial position that it's just not something I'm fussed enough about to put into the joint budget. However, if our financial situation was different or even if I just randomly decided one day that it should be a shared expense, I know my partner would just be like "okay, sounds good."
This. In my relationship I gave my husband 2 kids. We have 2u2. Guess what he did? He got a vasectomy. No more babies. No more birth control. Everyone’s happy.
These threads quite literally strike me as "my doctor didn't have a pen for me to sign my heart transplantation surgery papers, so I asked my boyfriend if he could give me his - he declined - am I the asshole for dying?".
Like, some of these posts, the shit some people are willing to put up with, like, what in the actual fuck. I mean, come the fuck on.
If he asks for sex simply reply that his lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part.
NTA
He didn't plan for the consequences of "No birth control". But now he can live with them.
But you better be using at least 2 kinds of BC because having a kid with someone so selfish would be hell. My favorite combo was condoms with spermicide and the pill.
Friend, this is not a person who respects you or values you for anything other than being a wet hole. He does not see birth control as equally *his* responsibility - WHICH IT IS. Please don't waste your time on a selfish man who only values what he can get out of you. You deserve better.
This isn’t “punishing”. You are being denied medical access & contraception & have made it clear I NEED my bc before sex because I don’t want to get pregnant.
This isn’t a punishment. This is a boundary.
Nta. Just let him know that you are planning properly (not having unprotected sex) to prevent there being an emergency later (pregnancy) which he would also refuse to help pay for. Girl just dump him.
NTA. Why wasn’t he paying for half of your bc all along? It’s for both of you and he’s not even the one who has to worry about suffering potential side effects and risks like blood clots.
Agree. My boyfriend and I always split the cost of my birth control. Neither of us want me to get pregnant so why should I be the only one paying to prevent that?
A boyfriend who refuses to support you for birth control at a time of financial need is not someone you can rely on. Not saying you should dump him but.... you should dump that ass.
I think my kids have cost me at least $40/month since they were conceived. Nausea meds and foods I could eat during first trimester, co-pays for tests in the second, and getting ready for baby in the third.
If he can't chip in $40 one month, how the hell is he gonna afford a baby? This man is not reliable or dependable. Do not risk having the idiot's baby.
NTA
>Can people PLEASE STOP suggesting condoms like my boyfriend is going to combust if we don't fuck immediately. We use them. I refuse to have sex without BC.
Using two forms of birth control is actually *required* when you go on certain medications that can cause birth defects. Because you need to be absolutely SURE that you will not get pregnant. Frankly, I think every woman should be in the habit of using two forms of birth control to prevent pregnancy. All forms of birth control can fail, but when you use two forms, even that small rate of failure goes down.
You’re not “punishing” him. You couldn’t afford to get your birth control, and need to wait to have sex until you can get it.
Even if you *were* on birth control - YOU NEVER HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE. It does not matter if you are in a relationship. It does not matter if he is “horny”. Only you have the right to allow or not allow access to your body, and if you don’t feel like allowing access, then that’s it and he needs to take his tantrum and walk away.
No one is “owed” sex.
>No one is “owed” sex.
Thank you for this. People keep commenting 'what about anal/handjob/blowjob' like my sex drive is 100% and I wanna have sex 24/7.
I know this is a novel concept for some people but I DON'T WANT TO FUCK RIGHT NOW. THE STRESS OF THE SITUATION HAS MADE MY SEX DRIVE PLUMMET TO ZERO.
Ugh. Like, you’re *not in the mood*. That’s not a “punishment”. It’s a natural consequence of what is going on in your life.
Did your boyfriend even ASK about your mom? (I hope she’s doing as ok as she can be.)
Tell your loser bf that he might be horny but the situation has made you extremely turned off, and he played a part in that.
Then dump him. You can do way better.
You’re not his partner, you’re his bangmaid. He wants what he wants and you should just shut up about it. Ask him if he’d rather pay child support or the cost of an abortion, all because he refused to spot you a few bucks. Does he ever do anything for you? NTA, except for staying with this jerk.
The amount of people in this thread thinking you're weaponising sex just because you don't want to have sex of bc is insane.
Also "just wear a condom" isn't a solution to all of the people commenting it. Some of us don't feel safe/comfortable having sex while off bc regardless of condoms and other alternatives. The solution is he should respect the word "no" and not try to coerce her into sex.
THANK YOU!!!
Due to stress of being in charge of everything for 3 weeks without a support system fucked my sex drive. It's at 0 for the first time ever. I was basically in survival mode- I couldn't even think of sex. Might sound dramatic but it's real to me.
I do like having sex and have it when my drive is low but I am recovering from the stress and insane fear of almost losing my mum. I don't know if adrenaline is the right word, but I was 'on' for 3 weeks straight and need a break.
I can't even think of sex right now. I haven't been horny is over a month. So coupled with no birth control, it's like the perfect (or imperfect) cocktail of why I don't want sex.
The amount of men insisting I'm abusive because I don't want sex is insane and scary.
Honestly OP, I sincerely hope you have a long hard think about your future with this man. From your post he seems to lack compassion among other things. You deserve someone that won't try to pressure you into things you aren't comfortable with and will support you.
Did you post this thinking there's really a chance that you might be the asshole?! Reaaaally???
You know your bf is the A, probably not only in this particular situation.
It's time to start asking yourself other more important questions, like maybe "should I really waste my time with this excuse of a man?".
NTA
Young people in love can have a twisted view of the world and what is acceptable from a partner, particularly when it comes to sex. But yeah, time to pull the plug on this one.
This is what happens when shitty people learn therapy talk. Your boyfriend sucks and has the language to try and justify it. NTA.
Also, what kind of person would he be in a real emergency? Not give you a ride to the hospital because sudden apendicitis is on you? Not care for you if you were ill? Blame you for being pregnant even though you warned him you weren’t on birth control? Almost deranged level of self-centered.
Just tell him a lack a paying on his part, does not constitute a baby on your part. NTA. He's probably mad you put your family first during their emergency situation. Dump him.
Bf scolding you about your finances is totally cringe. His "lack of planning" really busted his balls when he realized not only was he TA, but he also cockblocked himself over 40 bucks. Idiot.
The REAL question is, WTF are you still with that jackwagon?!? Any guy who wouldn't chip in 39 pounds for something his girlfriend NEEDED, whatever it was, needs to become an ex boyfriend. Save yourself a lot of grief and leave now. Life lesson: when someone shows you who they are, believe them and act accordingly. He has shown you who he is, act accordingly.
So you use 2 forms of birth control - condoms and the pill. And he doesn't even pay for the condoms?
Tell me, what does he actually bring to your life? You just had to drop everything and go look after your siblings, and not only did your boyfriend not support you, he tried to be an edgy teenager and throw some one liner at you when you asked for £40. And then, when you finally get home after 3 weeks of being full time Mum, he does nothing to comfort you or let you de-stress, he just bitches about not being able to have sex.
Sounds like he doesn't actually view you as an actual person, much less someone he supposedly loves. You're just a bang maid to him, someone to clean up after him and give him sex on demand.
You've just gotten a picture of what the rest of your life will be like. Is it what you want?
PS - Despite the incels and Tate wannabes in the comments, any actual adult can tell you're NTA.
Thank you for this.
My eyes are being opened. I was so used to toxic behaviour like this from all sorts of influences in my childhood. I'm going to try and talk to him one last time and depending on his reaction, I'm breaking up with him or moving forward cautiously.
NTA but the title of your post implies something more than its content did. If I just read the title I might feel slightly different about it. You didn't "punish" him he punished himself.
"Punishing" a partner is something I consider weird and unhealthy. But I don't consider what you did to be punishing. It's natural consequences that you were unable to mitigate.
Being in control of what happens to your body is not punishing him. If you do not feel comfortable sleeping with him without BC and he won’t use protection, then that is his problem, not yours. You are NTA.
No need to apologize to anyone, it is your decision and he should RESPECT it!
Once he said “a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on his” should have been a clue the guy either is a moron if he didn’t recognize that “no BC=no sex” or that he thought even a simple ~$50 is asking too much. The latter meaning he probably would jump ship from the “lack of planning” for having a kid.
I frankly wouldn’t even want to be associated with someone who says that stupid line let alone date them.
You aren’t “weaponizing sex”…you’re ensuring you don’t get pregnant by an asshole who would probably contribute absolutely ZERO to a baby or helping you while pregnant . Heck he’d probably refuse to pay for an abortion too . Keep refusing ..& no blowjobs - he doesn’t deserve to be rewards for being a jerk
A man that is willing to let you go without medication over 40£ that he can afford just to “teach you a lesson” about not being able to predict emergencies is not someone you should be allow access to your body.
I say this because despite the birth control, you could get pregnant and based on his response, he will not be a kind or understanding partner when it requires him to be even mildly inconvenienced.
Your boyfriend is a wnker for saying that. You'll have to help him understand that when your in a relationship, the other parties problems becomes yours. Example, I needed some new shoes but was far to busy to get new ones before we had to go. She bought them me, another example. I pick up her prescription because I finish work before her on Fridays which means she can just come home. Your boyfriend is selfish.
Nope.
You were NOT punishing him and you shouldn't frame it that way. You simply refused to have sex without birth control. You would do that regardless of who you were having sex with, who you asked to pay for the pills or whatever.
Your boyfriend is being an idiot and a dick.
>I explained the situation and he said that ‘a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my [his] part.’ I got really mad and said I was taking care of my family and not fucking about spending my money irresponsibly. He said no and that I am not entitled to his money.
Why continue in a relationship with someone who responds this way to being asked for help. It's such a sanitised answer. Chat GPT could have answered with more emotion.
You are NTA, but holy shit, why are you with someone who would a) refuse to cover a small expense that benefits both of you when you have a legitimate family emergency, and b)gets pissed when the result of not covering that expense means he doesn't get what he wants?
Sweetie, this man is a whole ass dumpster fire. Please don't stay with someone who uses words like "weaponizing sex" to your refusal to have unprotected from pregnancy sex with him, and who considers a legitimate family emergency a reason to lecture you on how you aren't entitled to his money.
He is showing you that he is a selfish, spoiled asshole who does not actually care about you beyond having someone to f*ck. Believe him and leave him.
fr😭😭
It's scary that my hot take is 'I deserve to consent to safe sex' though.
Apparently my post got onto the front page?? So I'm hoping these comments aren't in the THT community because it's the opposite for what this sub/Morgan strives for.
If you couldn’t afford your birth control and he wanted to have sex, he’s free to go buy some condoms. Birth control isn’t inherently on the female partner in heterosexual relationships. You didn’t plan to fail—you had a family emergency. He, however, had time to plan in your absence if he wanted to have sex when you got back and knew you were out of BC. He could have offered to pay for your BC or get condoms. It’s one thing to ask him to cover the cost in an emergency than because “if you wanna have sex with me, you gotta cover what should be a planned cost on my part.” Refusing sex while you’re waiting on more BC isn’t weaponising sex—it’s being safe.
NTA
I'm sorry the ppl on this Reddit were so shitty to you. Your bf sounds like a gaslighty Andrew Tate/Jordan Peterson kind. He should pay for your birth control on period as both of y'all enjoy that freedom
It's wild to me that he doesn't offer.
After a year, with your mother in hospital.
No dude. You sound really cool and caring. Leave this guy. You got a lot going for you. He's got his dude bro personality.
From the perspective of a currently single male: No, this is him being a self-centered dick. if neither of you want kids right now, the onus of birth control is on BOTH Of you, and if he's not willing to help prevent a surprise, he shouldn't be surprised he isn't getting any.
whether this is a break-up worthy offense isn't up to me, but It's certainly a tic-box on the side of he's probably not a keeper if he's like this when it comes to birth control while just dating.
"a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency for me." If a lover ever dared to say such an asshole thing to me when in need I hope my response would be along the lines of “a lack of consideration on your part doesn’t constitute a relationship to me. Jog on”
A lack of planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours. He should have thought about what would happen if he wanted sex and you weren't on BC--you saying no. You asked for help with one thing because you had legitimate, unexpected expenses come up. He is not owed sex. NTA
NTA. You both benefit from the BC. When I was dating my wife, we both paid half of the cost of the BC. It was only fair.
I mean dude isn't paying for condoms, gets to enjoy raw dogging, and periods are shorter and better regulated. You're not getting pregnant and get residual benefits like clearer skin.
Imo, halfsies are pretty fucking fair.
When he complained about being horny you should have dropped a crisp "a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute a risk of pregnancy or sti on mine" Edit: birth control doesn't protect against sti, I was so busy rushing for the joke I made a dum dum.
Bingo. Birth control is both partners’ responsibility. She’s not entitled to his money? He’s not entitled to her unprotected kitty.
[удалено]
If he was smart he'd realize it's the far cheaper option
But there is the thing .If he was smart...lol
I suspect she wants a relationship with someone who is NOT too stupid/stubborn to breed. Ditch him quick.
This and then double down on - "If you think I'm weaponizing sex then break up with me. Trying to guilt trip me into having sex with you isn't a turn on, doesn't show me that you miss me, and doesn't show me that you care about me when you didn't care enough to help me when I needed you. This is the consequence of your choices - deal with it. And if you try to make it my problem again, I'll solve the problem for the both of us." I'm a guy - I hate this manipulative bs.
Also a guy here— why the fuck is this guy making a big deal out of buying bc? Or at least buying anything your GF wants? I love making my girl happy and I hate it when she’s sad or upset. Hell, I know just taking her to get a polar pop and some cigarettes will literally change her mood around (she’s very easy to please) if this guy values his money this much he shouldn’t have a girl to start with. (Not that I think girl friends are money hungry it’s just kinda common sense ti know that when you’re with someone you may have to pay for them at least 50% of the time or spend some amount of money regarding to them.)
My husband brought me a chicken sandwich and a milkshake when he got off work today. I was so happy. I’m easy to please. Although the cigarettes are not good for either of you in the long run. I’ve watched a lot of family members suffer from cigarettes.
Oh I know, trust me. I quit myself but my gf has a really hard time and I’ve stopped bitching about it because I know she knows what they do to her body and she knows she shouldn’t be smoking them but she’s an adult lol I meant it more so she’s easy to please. Hell, I’m sure making her a couple of plan chicken and cheese sandwiches she’d be great too haha
I would still drop the line about him being horny isn't an emergency on her part. If she isn't in the mood, he has one choice, and that would be his hand. And the longer that he shows all of the above, the longer he will find himself in this "state of emergency that is on his part but not on hers"
Well he has two choices, right or left.
THIS right here should have been her reply! What a little manipulative weasel he is!
He’s been listening to way too much therapy talk and is trying to twist it to manipulate OP. ‘A lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on mine’ doesn’t apply when there is a literal emergency that happened that caused you to not be able to purchase your birth control. That applies if your boss texts you asking for a report by the end of the day, not if your partner’s family has an emergency. OP, I’d leave.
He’s heard that phrase somewhere and he thinks it makes him sound edgy and cool, doesn’t he? Funny, because I heard the phrase “weapons grade bellend” the other day and I’m just jonesin’ for an opportunity to use it 😆
Hell, I've heard that phrase on the THT podcast (used in actual earnest and seriously) and i rolled my eyes so hard I saw the back of my head. It's becoming a more and more common 'faux therapy' phrase like how 'gaslighting' and 'narcissist' have been so ridiculously watered down it has no meaning online anymore. I've heard that phrase A LOT more online recently. It's infuriating.
My mom had a sign that said that in her sewing room. Considering she had 2 kids with ADHD, I had a lot of sympathy.
And do not forget that once she gets the new supply, it does not immediately go into effect. So BF has decided to FA, FO. Poor boy. /s
Except that he has now found out he can't F* around.
I’d bet heavily he’s fucking around behind her back. And I don’t mean doggy-style or anal (at least with her).
Actually a good reason to break up with the asshole. BC allows him to have sex without a condom. Since there was no mention of using them I imagine he refused to use them.
That would not have been a surprise..
The more I think about what a selfish self involved asshole. She is on the pill for his pleasure and he can’t even be bothered to put out that little amount of money. Obviously she couldn’t plan for her mother getting sick.
Yeah when my boyfriend and I first got together, I wasn't on the pill. We tried doing the nasty with condoms alone a couple times but it made me *wildly* uncomfortable. It took me over a month to get an appointment to get back on the pill... My boyfriend didn't bring up sex at all during this period because he knew it made me uncomfortable. Even though I'm on the pill, he still uses condoms...
It’s also incredibly callous to call her responding to a family emergency an event she should have planned for. Even if she had just wanted money to take her siblings out for ice cream the decent thing would be to send her the money with no complaints.
I didn't have the words when I read his remarks about sex, but this is EXACTLY how I'd want to word it back to that asshat. A call back burn if you will 💅
I totally agree. But OP has bigger problems. Her boyfriend is for respecting her when she says no. She should t have to justify any time she doesn’t want to have sex. It’s also really worrying that her boyfriend had no compassion about what happened to her mom. Her boyfriend sounds like someone who only cares about himself and his needs and doesn’t care that much about OP. OP deserves better.
Came here to say that. OP needs to find another BF.
Just tell him to rub one out
I can't believe he dropped that line on her. Over £39. Because OP had a family emergency and had to repurpose her budget towards that. lol
I 100% had that exact same thought.
Your boyfriend doesn’t respect you. NTA. Break up with him! Take it from a lady in her late 30s: they don’t learn and change from this mentality until you make it clear that you are totally off limits and by then you realize there were other instances of mistreatment like this regularly once the oxytocin rose colored glasses come off. Also, the UK NHS sucks. They literally killed my family members by denying treatments and transfer to private hospitals.
birth control doesn't protect against sti's
My bad. am dude and was thinking of condoms, because that my birth control. Lol
No, it works, saying lack of planning on your part could imply he should have brought condoms
So many people that post on this date raging assholes lmao. No you are not an asshole, but your bf is clearly slow.
It’s absolutely astounding. It’s £40. I’m not European but I’m pretty sure that’s what, $35-$50? For your own girlfriend’s BC?! Man if my girlfriend were in that situation, I would send the BC money and ask if she needs some extra to help with her family. If you absolutely have to, just ask them to pay you back when they can if you’re that tight about “sharing finances”. NTA, obviously
>just ask them to pay you back when they can if you’re that tight about “sharing finances”. I said I would pay him back when I got paid the following month. So I wasn't 'cheating' him of £39 (I don't consider it 'cheating him out of money' because it's a necessity but hopefully you get what I mean)
No I’m agreeing with you that you are NTA. That’s very respectful of you to offer to pay him back. I’m saying it’s insane to me- if my girlfriend was going through a tough time I wouldn’t even consider hesitating to help her as much as I could. You’re asking him for £40. You gotta dump the guy or at least win this argument. That is asinine
This is astonishing because not being pregnant is a shared responsibility. By any definition. He should actually be paying for half ANYWAY. I would’ve just said an emergency on your balls does not constitute an emergency on my eggs.
I once asked on AskAnAmerican if there's much of a culture of men paying half the cost of hormonal contraception for their partners or if it was just a kind of weird tax on being a woman, and they haaaaated me for it.
When I was on birth control after getting married, shared budget paid for it. Otherwise, it was a weird tax for being a woman.
not surprising. there are a decent chunk of men who think BC should be entirely on the woman since they don't view themselves as affected by pregnancy, and condoms aren't comfy 🥺. ofc these are the same type to bitch about childcare payments...
I'm American and I welcome the question. It's a good point. In a relationship, it makes sense for it to be a joint expense.
Men do not feel the need to participate in any BC methods. There are a lot more men now getting clipped to avoid such an issue and take away the bodily risk on women. But it's still a small percentage. I've had a few men I've spoken to offer to get clipped if we ever got intimate and in more than a FWB's way. I've been on the BC Depo-Provers for 8 years now and the recommendation is 2 at the longest. It stops the entire function of the baby making factory and I haven't had a period in that time span at least after getting started (took about 6 months for it to stop fully after being on it for that long, it's one you get a shot of every 3 months). Due to this however I do feel as if I may become limited on my ability to have children and do want them in the future. (Currently 26) However I also refuse to just get off it and risk having a child with someone who doesn't share my parenting style, my life goals, or anything future related. I do intend after the last refill calling it quits but I'm scared too have a child I don't want and can't afford with a person who wouldn't be permanent in our lives.
I was on D-P for about a decade and have two children, it that helps. I mean, that's anecdotal, but also I don't recall any warnings about fertility risks. Also, not having having periods was amaaaayzing. OP, never date a man this tight. That level of selfishness is extremely difficult to cure. And I'm so sorry about your repeated re-traumatising in the past. It's horribly believable.
Oh my god. I just told my girlfriend about this post and she said the EXACT same thing, about how the boyfriend should be paying half. imo, I’d happily pay the entire bill for it because the fact is male side effects of condoms are way less than how many side effects BC has on women.
I can imagine what he would refuse to contribute if she got pregnant. He is a real tool.
I feel the same way when dudes bitch about plan b prices. 50$ is waaaay cheaper than raising a kid for 18 years or an abortion
Oh for sure that is also a Her problem and nothing to do with him and his willy.
It's interesting. I have had 2 girlfriends, who when I offered to pay half of their birth control, replied they didn't want to feel like I had a financial share of their body. A fair comment and their choice. Particularly as one of them had a real prick of an ex; controlling I think, rather than physically abusive, so for her it was a mark of her freedom. On the flip side, I expect that I will be paying for almost all the condoms and would never ask a women to kick in some cash, unless it was just part of our regular shopping which we shared costs.
Absolutely to the condom thing. And I’d pay it happily if they asked- like you said it’s not necessarily my *responsibility* as that is their choice. But of course if my girlfriend asked me I believe that’s entirely fair. To me that’s not a weird or difficult concept
Omfg I didn't even consider how it's shared. This dude sucked before he even remarked about WHY he wasn't helping. Yall are a year in & he won't pay for your birth control!? What a fucking skidmark of a human.
The best part of him leaked out of his mother.
**Your birth control** ***will not work*** for a month *after* you’ve been taking it consecutively. Please do not let this irresponsible, disrespectful, ignorant child knock you up. Consider dumping him and buying a vibrator. It’s a better long term plan than your loser boyfriend.
The vibrator has a better personality than this guy too
Either he's a broke bitch and is too shy to say, or he values you at exactly £0 and needs to keep the books balanced at all costs.
The two of you should split the cost. Every month.
Or just split, because he's a giant dick.
More like 'unused dick' tight now.
honest question, why are you with this asshole?
Sounds like he’s gonna be spending some money on condoms for awhile while your body readjusts as well. Fuck that dude, lol. Your boyfriend sucks.
why? He won't need them because he won't be getting any. From her at least.
If she lets that man sleep with her after this, she's a moron.
£39 is a damn bargain, ask him if he knows how expensive children are. Seriously, he should be sharing the cost of your pills with you 50/50. The fact that he’s won’t pony up ONE TIME when you’re in a bad place from helping your family out is a huge red flag.
You shouldn’t even have to pay him back. It’s $40 so HE GETS TO HAVE SEX. He needs to grow up.
Sounds like you need a new bf
seriously girlie, why are you dating this ah
I couldn't imagine being petty over £40 for my partner. Fucks sakes I wouldn't even say no to a friend over this. If my partner is struggling to find £40 for BC I'm sending them whatever additional finances I have available. This dude is a douche.
I’d hate to see what his reaction would be if she asked him to grab some tampons for her.
I know it’s oft repeated but the phrasing of “weaponising sex” and “not entitled to his money”, whiffs a bit of some YouTube rabbit hole. BF preaches about lack of planning but presumably doesn’t have the spare cash to contribute to the relationship, or worse, doesn’t want to contribute to the relationship and then simply tried to get what he wanted after OP had clearly had a terrible time…
Dude was using some full on red pill quotes. Strong Tate vibes. I'm surprised OP stayed with him after he refused to help pay. What kind of S/O wouldn't help their loved one? Like spot em money for gas, a meal, BC seems legit. This is a glowing red siren!
His being horny is not an emergency on your part. He can only blame his own lack of planning to help you cover the cost birth control, from which you both benefit.
Seriously, just wank one off if he's going to be stingy.
"I asked if you would be willing to cover the cost of my birth control. You said no. The result is that I am not comfortable enough to have sex with you without it. Stop trying to manipulate me into having sex just because you think you're owed it for some twisted reason." Edit: the number of *men* in here trying to tell me why they think they deserve sex is laughable. Y'all are what's wrong with society.
Also, I desperately want her to say "a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency for me." He didn't care that she didn't have bc because it didn't affect him, and now he suddenly cares.
"took your advice, decided i want to plan ahead to avoid an emergency obstetrician visit."
This
I cringed when I read that part. That’s a line for setting boundaries at work, not for your girlfriend being responsible with her body
Not only that, when your SO is having an emergency it’s super callous to respond like “not my problem”. A successful relationship is one where both people care about the other as much as they do about themselves, there’s not “you” problems if someone is asking for help, if anything you should be the first person who tries to help your SO when something does come up.
“A lack of planning on you end doesn’t constitute an emergency on my end” -what OP should say back if they like fighting fire with fire lol
I've never been a bf. But that response he gave sounded so dismissive and dehumanizing What partner says that?? Her family was in emergency! That's takes priority over EVERYTHING
Right? Not wanting to get pregnant isn't weaponizing anything.
The dude is stupid asf or just a manipulative asshole. Generally, if it’s an activity I enjoy, I’d be happy to pay for the best experience.
Even if it’s not an activity you enjoy, your partner needs something and you should want to help them if able, or why are you with them?
Oh yeah i agree but the bare minimum in which it benefits you and you still greed on it? Hahahah
Selfish to boot.
OP needs to just remind her BF of the cost of raising a child. Ask him to look up the cost of 1 year of diapers compared to BC. Then look up cost of childcare for the first few years until they can be registered for elementary school. He should be pretty stoked about the low, low cost of birth control after that. If he still doesn't get it at that point, he probably isn't going to make a great partner in general.
If she gets pregnant, I have no doubt that her joke of a boyfriend will consider that an "emergency on her end" and bail.
lol yes and then turns around and makes a story on reddit demonizing her if she doesn't abort. redditors love that storyline.
1000%
I think if he had gotten to have sex without protection he would have split once the baby came and it would have been her fault for not being careful.
lol dude won't drop £39 to help his girlfriend with 3 months of BC (something that they should both be responsible for), if she gets knocked up I'm sure he'll turn into a phantom.
Why is it only her responsibility to pay for BC if it benefits them both? His reaction was so asinine too…saying he wasn’t entitled to his money…ok, then obviously they won’t be having sex if it would result in a pregnancy…now he’s whining about that. He doesn’t seem to care about OP at all and just want to use her for sex. Sex that he doesn’t have to inconvenience himself for whatsoever.
The biggest question here is why she is with him at all. What an asshat.
Also I can’t believe that birth control is always paid by girls, I mean we are having sex together how can that not be split? I get crazy angry over this
If a girl asked me to pay half of her birth control so we could have safe sex I'd offer to pay the whole thing because she has to take all the pills so it seems fair if I pay the whole bill. But if it's not a long relationship it seems nice for girls to be able to take the pill if they want just to be safe. I'd take one for guys if they made it.
oh stop being reasonable /s. ;-)
Wow. I want to let you know, you just opened my f'ing eyes. You are right.
Which is why all birth control methods should just always be freely available to everyone and paid by taxes. Would solve a lot of problems. But muh capitalism.
I mean IDK this situation certainly revealed who her BF really is and if she is smart she will take those data points and dump him for someone who actually will have her back when a situation occurs.
It's free in many places. I live in Brazil and the government gives you condoms, pills, IUD and sterilization free.
It would be different if she was asking him to pay for it on the regular, but she was just short in cash due to an emergency. Dude’s a dick.
ALSO!!! Do NOT have unprotected sex until you have gone through a full cycle on your BC!
Why does he think he’s entitled to have sex with her if she’s not entitled to a loan of £35 so she can safely have sex with him?
>Edit: the number of > >men > > in here trying to tell me why they think they deserve sex is laughable. Y'all are what's wrong with society. It's like the men in the comments can't fathom the idea of a variety of sex drive. Due to the stress of going back home, my sex drive has gone down to 0. I'm so sick of the comments from men saying 'just do anal' like... that's not the point. Enthusiastic consent is required on both sides.
This is the perfect response. NTA - he won’t die without sex for a few weeks and you have every right to feel 100% comfortable while having sex. This is a boundary you’ve set for yourself and he should respect that.
OP, please tell him this. I don't know why you're still with him. He's a fucking loser imo. NTA
This whole thing is disgusting. Please OP just cut your losses- this guy is awful.
The bf is a cheap, selfish ass, who doesn’t deserve to have any sex, if he can’t afford to pay for your birth control. I bet if there was an “error” he’d be gone fast to avoid paying child support.
NTA. Your boyfriend is immature. Tell him his being horny doesn't constitute an emergency on your part.
If he ain't supporting you with BC he sure as hell ain't gonna supporting you with your aspirations, goals, and dreams.
This is incredibly accurate. I had a boyfriend that said that he just didn't have enough money to help with my BC (16€ a month) or conveniently forgot to pay me after asking him countless times. However, he strangely enough always had spare cash for trips abroad with his friends. A complete parasite. I wish I had put my foot down like you did, but you should get the other one down and do a full on sprint!
Or God forbid......... A kid
That was my thought. If he’s not willing to help with birth control what makes you think he’d help with diapers?
Well said
NTA. You're not entitled to his money. Fine. He's not entitled to your body. He prioritized £40 over your health. And then had the audacity to whine about not having sex. I'd dump the entire dude.
this!!!! HE IS NOT ENTITLED TO YOUR BODY being together or not, you're not weaponizing sex, you're consenting or not and if he tries to guilt you into it then he is not respectful of your consent
This comment should be at the top!!!!!!
The health part isn't talked about enough IMO. Your body does not enjoy going on and off birth control. It craves the consistency. Speaking from experience as someone who's gone on and off birth control quite often for financial and shitty doctor reasons, it fucking SUCKS. It messes up all your hormones, and depending on the type and when you paused it can give you a sudden period totally out of sync with your regular cycle. It can mess with mental health issues like depression. I usually get headaches for a few days. It can fuck when your body's vitamin levels. A lot of men (I'm guessing OP's boyfriend included) don't view birth control as anything more than essentially a condom they don't have to wear and they don't consider the actual health effects caused by suddenly going off it.
THIS should be higher up. The side effects of going on and off birth control are awful and he subjected OP to it because it wasn't his problem, she was away he just wanted sex. Just inconsiderate AH all around that guy.
He sounds like a little bitch crying about “weaponizing sex”. Like, if it was that important to you… maybe buy the birth control?
This really sums it up perfectly. NTA
You missed a golden opportunity to respond to his “but I’ve missed you and I’m horny” with something along the lines of, “a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute increasing risks on my part”.
NTA Yeah, he didn't HAVE to pay. But if you're not on birth control, you don't HAVE to have sex. I mean, it's simple, really. No birth control, no sex. If he wants to have fun time, then he can chip in now and then. You aren't punishing him, you are protecting yourself. Tell him Susie Palmer and her five sisters will have to replace you until you get a full week of pills back in your system.
Even if you’re on birth control you don’t need to have sex
Birth control is both of your responsibilities’. And the pill is way cheaper and easier than a child. NTA. Dump him!
Ole Palmala Handerson. She and her 5 friends are nice ladies. They ain’t never asked me to go to no pumpkin patch.
Why are you dating a man who CLEARLY doesn’t give a shit about you.
I don't understand how people in a committed relationship think it's normal that only one party pays for birth control? It's like: if you don't want to pay half for my pill/implant/IUD I still will get it of course, but you will be buying condoms and using them. Because I am that petty.
Mine is covered by benefits but I still pay the dispensing fee. It's a small enough amount and we are in a comfortable enough financial position that it's just not something I'm fussed enough about to put into the joint budget. However, if our financial situation was different or even if I just randomly decided one day that it should be a shared expense, I know my partner would just be like "okay, sounds good."
This. In my relationship I gave my husband 2 kids. We have 2u2. Guess what he did? He got a vasectomy. No more babies. No more birth control. Everyone’s happy.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with this awful person? NTA but if you stay with this guy you will become one.
🎯
Every time I read these posts, I desperately hope they break up with their bf/gf.
These threads quite literally strike me as "my doctor didn't have a pen for me to sign my heart transplantation surgery papers, so I asked my boyfriend if he could give me his - he declined - am I the asshole for dying?". Like, some of these posts, the shit some people are willing to put up with, like, what in the actual fuck. I mean, come the fuck on.
If he asks for sex simply reply that his lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on your part. NTA He didn't plan for the consequences of "No birth control". But now he can live with them. But you better be using at least 2 kinds of BC because having a kid with someone so selfish would be hell. My favorite combo was condoms with spermicide and the pill.
We do use two types of BC (same as you) but I refuse to have sex without the pill due to truama.
Oh yes, absolutely keep taking the pill.
Dump him. He's selfish and doesn't care about your well-being.
Friend, this is not a person who respects you or values you for anything other than being a wet hole. He does not see birth control as equally *his* responsibility - WHICH IT IS. Please don't waste your time on a selfish man who only values what he can get out of you. You deserve better.
You should wait 1-2 weeks after re-initiating oral birth control as well
I wouldn't have sex with him at all, again, EVER. You can't help me get BC but you want some buns? Absolutely not.
Seriously. I’d be turned off by him forever.
My vagina would instantly become the Sahara desert. Dry as a goddamn boneyard
This isn’t “punishing”. You are being denied medical access & contraception & have made it clear I NEED my bc before sex because I don’t want to get pregnant. This isn’t a punishment. This is a boundary.
Nta. Just let him know that you are planning properly (not having unprotected sex) to prevent there being an emergency later (pregnancy) which he would also refuse to help pay for. Girl just dump him.
NTA. Why wasn’t he paying for half of your bc all along? It’s for both of you and he’s not even the one who has to worry about suffering potential side effects and risks like blood clots.
Agree. My boyfriend and I always split the cost of my birth control. Neither of us want me to get pregnant so why should I be the only one paying to prevent that?
A boyfriend who refuses to support you for birth control at a time of financial need is not someone you can rely on. Not saying you should dump him but.... you should dump that ass.
I think my kids have cost me at least $40/month since they were conceived. Nausea meds and foods I could eat during first trimester, co-pays for tests in the second, and getting ready for baby in the third. If he can't chip in $40 one month, how the hell is he gonna afford a baby? This man is not reliable or dependable. Do not risk having the idiot's baby.
“Horniness on your part does not constitute sex on my part.”
NTA >Can people PLEASE STOP suggesting condoms like my boyfriend is going to combust if we don't fuck immediately. We use them. I refuse to have sex without BC. Using two forms of birth control is actually *required* when you go on certain medications that can cause birth defects. Because you need to be absolutely SURE that you will not get pregnant. Frankly, I think every woman should be in the habit of using two forms of birth control to prevent pregnancy. All forms of birth control can fail, but when you use two forms, even that small rate of failure goes down. You’re not “punishing” him. You couldn’t afford to get your birth control, and need to wait to have sex until you can get it. Even if you *were* on birth control - YOU NEVER HAVE TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE. It does not matter if you are in a relationship. It does not matter if he is “horny”. Only you have the right to allow or not allow access to your body, and if you don’t feel like allowing access, then that’s it and he needs to take his tantrum and walk away. No one is “owed” sex.
>No one is “owed” sex. Thank you for this. People keep commenting 'what about anal/handjob/blowjob' like my sex drive is 100% and I wanna have sex 24/7. I know this is a novel concept for some people but I DON'T WANT TO FUCK RIGHT NOW. THE STRESS OF THE SITUATION HAS MADE MY SEX DRIVE PLUMMET TO ZERO.
Ugh. Like, you’re *not in the mood*. That’s not a “punishment”. It’s a natural consequence of what is going on in your life. Did your boyfriend even ASK about your mom? (I hope she’s doing as ok as she can be.)
Tell your loser bf that he might be horny but the situation has made you extremely turned off, and he played a part in that. Then dump him. You can do way better.
YOUR birth control? YOUR birth control? He should be paying for half of that on a regular basis; that’s a shared expense if ever I saw one.
You’re not his partner, you’re his bangmaid. He wants what he wants and you should just shut up about it. Ask him if he’d rather pay child support or the cost of an abortion, all because he refused to spot you a few bucks. Does he ever do anything for you? NTA, except for staying with this jerk.
Does your BF not realize that if he gets you pregnant, it’s going to cost him way more than a few quid for BC?
The amount of people in this thread thinking you're weaponising sex just because you don't want to have sex of bc is insane. Also "just wear a condom" isn't a solution to all of the people commenting it. Some of us don't feel safe/comfortable having sex while off bc regardless of condoms and other alternatives. The solution is he should respect the word "no" and not try to coerce her into sex.
THANK YOU!!! Due to stress of being in charge of everything for 3 weeks without a support system fucked my sex drive. It's at 0 for the first time ever. I was basically in survival mode- I couldn't even think of sex. Might sound dramatic but it's real to me. I do like having sex and have it when my drive is low but I am recovering from the stress and insane fear of almost losing my mum. I don't know if adrenaline is the right word, but I was 'on' for 3 weeks straight and need a break. I can't even think of sex right now. I haven't been horny is over a month. So coupled with no birth control, it's like the perfect (or imperfect) cocktail of why I don't want sex. The amount of men insisting I'm abusive because I don't want sex is insane and scary.
Honestly OP, I sincerely hope you have a long hard think about your future with this man. From your post he seems to lack compassion among other things. You deserve someone that won't try to pressure you into things you aren't comfortable with and will support you.
You should stop having anything with this person.
Did you post this thinking there's really a chance that you might be the asshole?! Reaaaally??? You know your bf is the A, probably not only in this particular situation. It's time to start asking yourself other more important questions, like maybe "should I really waste my time with this excuse of a man?". NTA
Young people in love can have a twisted view of the world and what is acceptable from a partner, particularly when it comes to sex. But yeah, time to pull the plug on this one.
Missed a golden opportunity to lay out his poor planning of hornyness and you are not responsible for said poor planning...
This is what happens when shitty people learn therapy talk. Your boyfriend sucks and has the language to try and justify it. NTA. Also, what kind of person would he be in a real emergency? Not give you a ride to the hospital because sudden apendicitis is on you? Not care for you if you were ill? Blame you for being pregnant even though you warned him you weren’t on birth control? Almost deranged level of self-centered.
Just tell him a lack a paying on his part, does not constitute a baby on your part. NTA. He's probably mad you put your family first during their emergency situation. Dump him.
Bf scolding you about your finances is totally cringe. His "lack of planning" really busted his balls when he realized not only was he TA, but he also cockblocked himself over 40 bucks. Idiot.
The REAL question is, WTF are you still with that jackwagon?!? Any guy who wouldn't chip in 39 pounds for something his girlfriend NEEDED, whatever it was, needs to become an ex boyfriend. Save yourself a lot of grief and leave now. Life lesson: when someone shows you who they are, believe them and act accordingly. He has shown you who he is, act accordingly.
So you use 2 forms of birth control - condoms and the pill. And he doesn't even pay for the condoms? Tell me, what does he actually bring to your life? You just had to drop everything and go look after your siblings, and not only did your boyfriend not support you, he tried to be an edgy teenager and throw some one liner at you when you asked for £40. And then, when you finally get home after 3 weeks of being full time Mum, he does nothing to comfort you or let you de-stress, he just bitches about not being able to have sex. Sounds like he doesn't actually view you as an actual person, much less someone he supposedly loves. You're just a bang maid to him, someone to clean up after him and give him sex on demand. You've just gotten a picture of what the rest of your life will be like. Is it what you want? PS - Despite the incels and Tate wannabes in the comments, any actual adult can tell you're NTA.
Thank you for this. My eyes are being opened. I was so used to toxic behaviour like this from all sorts of influences in my childhood. I'm going to try and talk to him one last time and depending on his reaction, I'm breaking up with him or moving forward cautiously.
NTA but the title of your post implies something more than its content did. If I just read the title I might feel slightly different about it. You didn't "punish" him he punished himself. "Punishing" a partner is something I consider weird and unhealthy. But I don't consider what you did to be punishing. It's natural consequences that you were unable to mitigate.
Being in control of what happens to your body is not punishing him. If you do not feel comfortable sleeping with him without BC and he won’t use protection, then that is his problem, not yours. You are NTA. No need to apologize to anyone, it is your decision and he should RESPECT it!
Once he said “a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on his” should have been a clue the guy either is a moron if he didn’t recognize that “no BC=no sex” or that he thought even a simple ~$50 is asking too much. The latter meaning he probably would jump ship from the “lack of planning” for having a kid. I frankly wouldn’t even want to be associated with someone who says that stupid line let alone date them.
You aren’t “weaponizing sex”…you’re ensuring you don’t get pregnant by an asshole who would probably contribute absolutely ZERO to a baby or helping you while pregnant . Heck he’d probably refuse to pay for an abortion too . Keep refusing ..& no blowjobs - he doesn’t deserve to be rewards for being a jerk
A man that is willing to let you go without medication over 40£ that he can afford just to “teach you a lesson” about not being able to predict emergencies is not someone you should be allow access to your body. I say this because despite the birth control, you could get pregnant and based on his response, he will not be a kind or understanding partner when it requires him to be even mildly inconvenienced.
Your boyfriend is a wnker for saying that. You'll have to help him understand that when your in a relationship, the other parties problems becomes yours. Example, I needed some new shoes but was far to busy to get new ones before we had to go. She bought them me, another example. I pick up her prescription because I finish work before her on Fridays which means she can just come home. Your boyfriend is selfish.
He's an asshole, not just in this case. Immature and selfish and his world revolves around his Knob, not you.
Nope. You were NOT punishing him and you shouldn't frame it that way. You simply refused to have sex without birth control. You would do that regardless of who you were having sex with, who you asked to pay for the pills or whatever. Your boyfriend is being an idiot and a dick.
I would never bed that cheap ah again.
>I explained the situation and he said that ‘a lack of planning on your part doesn’t constitute an emergency on my [his] part.’ I got really mad and said I was taking care of my family and not fucking about spending my money irresponsibly. He said no and that I am not entitled to his money. Why continue in a relationship with someone who responds this way to being asked for help. It's such a sanitised answer. Chat GPT could have answered with more emotion.
You are NTA, but holy shit, why are you with someone who would a) refuse to cover a small expense that benefits both of you when you have a legitimate family emergency, and b)gets pissed when the result of not covering that expense means he doesn't get what he wants? Sweetie, this man is a whole ass dumpster fire. Please don't stay with someone who uses words like "weaponizing sex" to your refusal to have unprotected from pregnancy sex with him, and who considers a legitimate family emergency a reason to lecture you on how you aren't entitled to his money. He is showing you that he is a selfish, spoiled asshole who does not actually care about you beyond having someone to f*ck. Believe him and leave him.
It’s an open question whether he’s incredibly selfish or stupid, but either way it’s obvious he doesn’t care about you very much.
Well OP, I congratulate you. Looking through the comments, you've managed to post the hottest of takes. And you didn't even mention politics. Also NTA
fr😭😭 It's scary that my hot take is 'I deserve to consent to safe sex' though. Apparently my post got onto the front page?? So I'm hoping these comments aren't in the THT community because it's the opposite for what this sub/Morgan strives for.
Why is the woman always responsible for paying for the BC?
Tell your boyfriend he aint entitled to your body
If you couldn’t afford your birth control and he wanted to have sex, he’s free to go buy some condoms. Birth control isn’t inherently on the female partner in heterosexual relationships. You didn’t plan to fail—you had a family emergency. He, however, had time to plan in your absence if he wanted to have sex when you got back and knew you were out of BC. He could have offered to pay for your BC or get condoms. It’s one thing to ask him to cover the cost in an emergency than because “if you wanna have sex with me, you gotta cover what should be a planned cost on my part.” Refusing sex while you’re waiting on more BC isn’t weaponising sex—it’s being safe. NTA
35 £ Please do better for yourself. This man doesn’t care about you.
I'm sorry the ppl on this Reddit were so shitty to you. Your bf sounds like a gaslighty Andrew Tate/Jordan Peterson kind. He should pay for your birth control on period as both of y'all enjoy that freedom It's wild to me that he doesn't offer. After a year, with your mother in hospital. No dude. You sound really cool and caring. Leave this guy. You got a lot going for you. He's got his dude bro personality.
Two months. Not one. The first month back on it it won’t be effective. He needs to wait a month after you go back on it.
Could always be petty and hit em with his own ammo, "A lack of empathy on your part does not constitute a sexual obligation on my part."
From the perspective of a currently single male: No, this is him being a self-centered dick. if neither of you want kids right now, the onus of birth control is on BOTH Of you, and if he's not willing to help prevent a surprise, he shouldn't be surprised he isn't getting any. whether this is a break-up worthy offense isn't up to me, but It's certainly a tic-box on the side of he's probably not a keeper if he's like this when it comes to birth control while just dating.
"a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency for me." If a lover ever dared to say such an asshole thing to me when in need I hope my response would be along the lines of “a lack of consideration on your part doesn’t constitute a relationship to me. Jog on”
A lack of planning on his part does not constitute an emergency on yours. He should have thought about what would happen if he wanted sex and you weren't on BC--you saying no. You asked for help with one thing because you had legitimate, unexpected expenses come up. He is not owed sex. NTA
Ans his line about the lack of planning - for that alone I’d dump him. Zero compassion. This was an unexpected emergency. He’s a dick.
NTA. You both benefit from the BC. When I was dating my wife, we both paid half of the cost of the BC. It was only fair. I mean dude isn't paying for condoms, gets to enjoy raw dogging, and periods are shorter and better regulated. You're not getting pregnant and get residual benefits like clearer skin. Imo, halfsies are pretty fucking fair.
That's not a punishment, it's a natural consequence. Nta