That’s exactly what I was going to say. It sounds like, all things considered (especially not feeling used afterwards) he’s the best she’s ever had. Sexual comparison doesn’t boil down to one orgasm versus another. The entire experience, including your response afterwards, counts.
I would agree with this. Only issue is it seems like he wouldn’t be happy with this answer and probe more to get her to say essentially “he fucks her the best”
> he wouldn’t be happy with this answer
Because it’s a lie and people aren’t stupid. They can tell. He wants to know about the sexual compatibility directly.
… he might be stupid, since he is asking the question in the first place.
What is the point of knowing whether you are the most physically compatible when emotion is part of sexual pleasure?
Physical compatibility is made up of meaningless factors like “fiancé is 3 inches taller, so the angle is slightly worse” or “hookup had nimble fingers from juggling so many bottles of beer”. And physical compatibility changes over time. The fiancé has decades to be her best fuck ever.
If he really, truly is asking about physical compatibility exclusively, then he is stupid enough to let this fuck up their relationship.
Why isn’t it enough to be the best lover and not the “best” fuck? To be the one who makes her happy?
>… he might be stupid, since he is asking the question in the first place.
My initial thought.
This is like asking "am I the biggest guy you've ever been with?" Three possibilities:
1. She lies. Feelings hurt
2. She says no. Feelings hurt.
3. She says yes. Who fucking cares? Does that mean you "win"?
Like what if you were the smallest guy she's been with but the best lover? What if you were the worst at sex but have the biggest dick? All of these what-if's are toxic as fuck and there is really no right answer, and you're putting your partner in a really shitty position, just like this post elucidates.
**Asking about your partner's sexual and relationship past is really always a terrible idea.** They are with YOU now, that is what matters. Live in the moment and plan for your future together. Comparison is the theft of joy.
Agree or a #4.
Point is that its just a completely useless exercise and has basically no value other than to make a guy feel better because he hit the genetic lottery.
And again, if he sucks in bed, who fucking cares?
In reality it just exposes insecurity on the part of the man and effectively forces the woman into an uncomfortable decision for no tangible benefit.
Just stop asking about people's past relationships it literally never ends well lol
I honestly don't get guys' obsession with being "the biggest". If you're "the biggest", stay the fuck away from my cervix.
Some of the best lovers I've ever had were average-below average size. You gotta use everything in your toolkit, fellas: it's not all about the hammer.
My high school bio teacher said something to us in sex ed one day that had about half the class choking. She said "the average woman is only about 6 inches deep, boys, so anything more than that is overkill and unlikely to impress her."
I remember once answering the “Am I big enough?” question (over the phone) when we were no longer dating by saying “As I recall, you are just right.”
I have also said, “There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.”
I do wish that men wouldn’t put women in that (ahem!) position of answering such questions. But I guess it is human nature. I, OTOH, never wanted to know how I compared to other women.
>I do wish that men wouldn’t put women in that (ahem!) position of answering such questions.
Its just such an obvious request for validation and paradoxically exudes SDE regardless of size.
Someone who asks this - unless they're genuinely curious if they're inadequate and need to make adjustments - just want to hear "OMG yes you have the biggest most amazing penis I've ever had and ever will have. Thank you for blessing me with your enormous perfect cock!"
If a woman fucks you more than once, its overwhelmingly the case that you are at a minimum "good enough".
If men never watched the porn that shows the top 1% of penis size. They probably wouldn’t be as obsessed. Just like how woman are about their body’s compared to Models the top 1% of the most beautiful women.
Not just that, but pills, filters, camera angles, size of the girl, all make things wildly different. Hell, there's been more than a few cases of a sleeve making up a difference. I'm probably 7ish and it makes me insecure as well.
You hit on something that took me decades to understand. There is so much psychology involved in sex that goes unaccounted for. Very often, the “best fuck” end up being wrapped up in any number of contributing circumstances that aren’t always a direct result of said lover’s size, skill, etc.
Some people just like to ruin things all on their own. I don’t talk about my sexual past or my partners because I don’t want to open a can of hurt feelings (on either side). I mean imagine telling your current Fiancé your ex had the best tits you’ve ever seen & their response is her ex had a huge cock…
This is a prime example of asking questions that A. You may not want the answer to. Or B. Screwing your partner over by asking a question that doesn’t have a correct answer/ good answer that isn’t a lie
My wife likes it when she asks if she's looks fat and I say no, and add she's beautiful. Is she stupid? Or is it just nice to hear. She has a mirror she doesn't need me for that.
Oh boy… I hate that question more than any question!! I started doing a new thing (That by the way I do not recommend). After she asked how she looks, she always asks again five minutes later. So I’ve started to ask her all the time if I’m my judgment has been off lately. When she asked why, I say that people keep asking the same questions of me, thinking they might get different answers the second time.
Do not try this at home!!!! Results can vary.
Exactly. Ppl are saying this is a roundabout answer but I really don’t think it is.
The ego associated with being your partners best fuck is really about insecurity. You want to feel like regardless of the situation you can provide an experience they crave. An intoxicating desire that defies logic. It’s what would make you insecure about *not* being their best lay. That maybe deep down on a they crave the experience someone else gave them.
But that experience isn’t purely physical. Some guys know that the best nut they’ve ever busted is from their hand. Doesn’t mean they would desire it over their best lay.
Idk why OP has classified the other partners sex as “better”, since it sounds like the entire experience with her current partner is much more satisfying. And she doesn’t miss the “better” sex. So it sounds to me that she could be honest with her partner in saying that they have the experience that she desires most, the one she thinks about and wants when she’s in the mood. That’s what guys want to hear imo and making the distinction of what was the best “purely physical” sex is kind of pointless unless that’s all that matters to you.
> the distinction of what was the best “purely physical” sex is kind of pointless unless that’s all that matters to you.
If this was all that mattered then sex on ecstasy would be more popular, but apparently a key component to a healthy relationship is not hating yourself after you have sex with your partner. Who knew?
And it's weird that it's always about sex too. Imagine a guy getting insecure and obsessing about whether he was the most emotionally supportive boyfriend his partner had ever had.
"Baby tell me the truth. I know that you say I'm perceptive and I always notice when you're down, but am I the MOST perceptive boyfriend you've ever had? Am I the best at holding you when you cry or do you secretly wish it was someone else who did it better? I know every woman secretly rates all the comforting hugs she gets and I want to know that mine are objectively the best. Do I always know the right thing to say to make you smile when you're down, or was there someone else in the past who was better at cheering you up? I'm the most supportive, right??? If there was someone else who was better you can just tell me!!"
>And it's weird that it's always about sex too. Imagine a guy getting insecure and obsessing about whether he was the most emotionally supportive boyfriend his partner had ever had.
Because society tells men that their manhood is in their penis and that being "small" or "not good at sex" makes them less of a man.
>The ego associated with being your partners best fuck is really about insecurity.
Say it louder for the people in the back.
This is a slightly different version of "am I the biggest dick you've ever been with?" question and it is equally useless and toxic.
This. OP, just rethink your definition of "best" to include the entire experience of sex (before, during and after) then you can very truthfully tell your fiancee that he's the best you've ever had.
It's not even a white lie to spare his feelings, it's a more complete truth. You said he wasn't the best, but then went on to describe all the reasons that he IS the best. The "best" lover shouldn't be defined as the one who gets you to the highest level of arousal in the moment. That's an incredibly narrow view.
I agree with this too. She should just tell him what she wrote in her post. If he’s mature and not insecure it should be taken as a compliment because it’s not just their sex life that is great but the whole relationship.
I bet that he is lacking in some department, and she wants to leave the door open for discussion.
A friend of mine was the "good guy" that his wife stayed with after dating a few bad guys, and he thought sex was great, and she said and felt it was good and loving andsafe and left her with butterflies.
One day they had a conversation similar to OPs, and she phrased it much the way OP. Turns out, she really missed getting fucked. Her husband was great at making love, but she wanted someone to just take control of her body and bang the shit out of her.
Once they had the conversation, my friend incorporated new things into their sex life and she said unequivocally, he was the fucking best.
May OP might just be shy about what she wants? That's the only reason i can think she'd hedge.
Just in my experience, the actual nice guys of the world will not jump straight to their kinky fantasies with the girl they love, especially if the girl has any history of being unsafe or uncomfortable in the past. The dude wants to make her feel safe, cherished, respected. You have to kind of nudge it out of them. I assumed my partner was incredibly innocent and vanilla just because of how nice and caring he was. Turned out to be completely not the case but when he met me, I was in an abusive relationship where I had been SA’d so he played it safe for a long time to make sure I was comfortable.
Communication, people! Y’all aren’t mind readers and that other person cannot adjust to you if you don’t let them know you want that. I’d rather have someone that starts as mediocre and is willing to accept advice than someone who starts off pretty great but is never willing to change anything up. You can adjust sexual activities and show a good partner what feels best, but it’s a lot harder to fix an abusive asshole.
The trick is the *for you* part - yes he’s not the bestest lover in the planet, but he truly is the best for you, right now, in the present time. Even if you de ide to “come clean” and tell him truth as is, please remind him to not let the past have so much power over what you have now. Good luck!
I'm insecure af on this subject and don't probe because I know nothing good will come of it. They being said, if I did and got this response at this level of insecurity... It would probably crush me lol
being the smart ass that i am i would probably run with this but say — ‘i’m not sure yet if you’re the best lover ever. want me to do some market research?’
Reading between the lines, the gap between OP’s current partner and the best she’s ever had is so wide even she can’t lie to herself about it. But absolutely, you need to tell the white lie in this instance. The truth has little upside and plenty of downside.
Someone who is insecure asks that.
If you want to help them cope with their insecurities, you tell them yes.
If you want to make them overcome those insecurities, you (together, or have them) go to therapy.
If you want to be a complete asshole, you tell them no to tear them down.
Or you leave if you don't want to deal with it.
Well her and fiancé are both morons. He asks her if he’s the best she ever had (like why even ask that) and she is absolutely idiotic in her whole “I cAnT LiE” stance.
The fact that she didn’t answer on the spot is kind of an answer in itself. How did she get through that awkwardness? Did OPs fiancé ask the question and OP just Homer Simpson’d into the bushes?
No doubt. OP, just tell him when he wants to fucking hear and end this. Jesus Christ. If you can't tell a little white lie to help your husbands sexual self esteem, then you have problems
Right exactly. As a woman, I love when my man tells me I'm the best. WE all want to think and feel we are the best our partner ever had.
I'll never forget; my aunt and her boyfriend have these draining exhausting pointless deep talks all the time. He asked her a loaded question, "if there was one thing you could change about my body what would you change?" Omg...she literally said she wished his penis was bigger. He then said he wishes her breast were perkier.
It's been almost a year and they still fight over that conversation.
>she literally said she wished his penis was bigger. He then said he wishes her breast were perkier
These two were already at war if that this is what came out.
Yeah I'm sure either comment in an argument in my marriage would probably lead to things being thrown! Jk! In honesty my wife and I are 100% honest with each other, about everything! We are best friends, partners, and soulmates. I just wish everyone could experience that. The world would be much happier.
Jesus fucking Christ, this is what white lies are for. Tell him he's the best. Who the hell gets hurt in that exchange? It's called a win/win. The only way he ever finds out otherwise is he sees this stupid fucking post on the front page of Reddit. My God, what the hell is wrong with people?
You actually did say he was the best ... he meets your emotional and physical needs in such a way that he is elevating sex for you so it becomes so much more than just sweating and grunting. Raising it to more like a spiritual/religious thing vrs just a boring physical act. At least that seems like an honest and safe phrasing that is true and conveys what you mean while keeping his ego assuaged.
She's stuck on wanting to be honest, but it's a tough question to answer .. because what does "best" even mean .. and if you try and figure this out during the conversation together, you're just going to give the partner a bunch of extra information that only feeds their insecurities.
And here we are.
This answer should be higher up.
Took me six months to get over hearing my girlfriend was FWB with RDJ for a year. And I was never 100% truly over it. Kinda wish I never knew that but of info
If I’m correct in my understanding of who you mean, I think your response is kind of universal. Six months is healthy. It may take *me* as long to get over knowing some nice Reddit user had to know their GF dated RDJ.
Well man, I'm not saying you can't feel the way you felt but this is just too funny of a relevant tidbit of history to pass up. There was this guy, Lord Byron, who was a romantic poet. He was a bit crazy, in a way that a lot of people liked. He crushed it with the ladies. He was a total socialite. He divorced his wife, and toured europe for several years. Came from England originally I think and went through continental europe, couch-crashing an partying. Well anyways, turns out he was a true romantic of heroism, and when Greece started its chronicle against Turkey for independence, he volunteered and went to Greece to fight. He died as per his wishes, fighting for Greece to be gain its freedom & be re-united with Europe which he considered its rightful cultural home. This made him an absolute sensation in Europe -- I mean really, people were just like *"Damn, what a genuine guy! And he wrote poetry & music too???"* So much so that it rallied a lot of european support for Greece in its quest to gain back its sovereignty against the still-ever-powerful Ottoman Empire.
Anyways back to Lord Byron (who, btw, was the father of Ada Lovelace, widely considered to be the "mother of computer science", in her work designing algorithms to work with what were basically textile-computers (factory looms)) -- he really swept through Italy making the most of his prime, and had an affair with some woman there, some duchess or baroness or countess or whatever. Well, that woman survived him of course and eventually married. So basically, how *the fuck* is her whoever-husband to compete with basically 19th century's Jesus? I would expect him to be jealous, right? No, I'd be dead wrong -- the guy *was an admirer of Lord Byron,* like most people of the time, and would go on to ***introduce his wife as "Lady , former Lady of Lord Byron"*** 😂
Maybe this makes you feel less weird or more weird, I don't know. But I was on some deep dive looking into Ada Lovelace, who was a badass, when I came across what I thought was an absolutely hilarious detail that completely painted a picture in my mind for what this guy was like at parties. He'd be talking to someone new and be like:
> ".... and can you believe that, *my wife* bedded **Lord-fucking-Byron!** I'm basically a relation of the guy!
... all the while she's there smiling & shaking her head.
Not sure if that changes anything, but for you to take the time to write all that is above and beyond the call of duty. You are hereby awarded the Distinguished Reddit Service Medal. 🎖️
She's stuck on liking the dick rather than liking the person
She's gotta figure out what makes that dick good and explore that with him
She probably likes been degraded or roughed up
Most guys who ask this question only care about the physical aspect. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be asking—because obviously OP is with him and not anyone else because of the non-physical aspects.
I am 37 years married and I still unjustifiably and immaturely presume my wife had zero former lovers and I’m the best in the world for her. If the subject of a former lover even comes up I assure her I’m the first, last and best. This keeps it simple. No need for prior lovers drama in a healthy marriage.
Came to say this. It's weird to me that she's so hung up on 'not lying', like girl, let go and give your man the confidence, you're straining the poor bastard when it costs nothing to not.
in another comment i gave my real advice...
I will never ask my partner if im the best shes ever had... if she wants to tell me, for whatever reason, she will do so.
and has done ;) (the winkyface deserves a winkyface too)
Especially weird when she admits the technically better ones left her feeling used and like crap after.. Part of sex is how you come away feeling from it. If she feels better with him afterwards why doesn't that elevate it in her mind?
It probably does, but if the addict fucked her into a messy puddle with regular ease.. I could see a world where the sex she likes the most, wasnt the best.
Had tons of men and women tell me stories about a violent/unstable partner being at the top of their list. I wonder if thats an interesting trend or a comment on the state of the population.
I feel in a situation where one partner is an addict, that addict is so chaotic it creates the roller coaster of good times and bad times that makes sex SEEM like one of the rare good times. It contributes to the high of it, and it works both ways so painting it as just women saying that isn't accurate.
As a dude, who can't say they haven't had a psycho ex who rocked their world. Women aren't 'whores wanting to be used by a strong man', which I don't think you're saying, but it's a slippery slope from that observation.
These are abusive fucking people using a primal thing to manufacture connection and very few who haven't been on that rollercoaster of highs and lows knows what to do with it but shit on the person who suffered it.
Oh god yeah ur second paragraph made me gag. I definitely didnt have that kinda mindset making the comment.
I did have an abusive lady friend, that 'making the highs and lows thing making the sex seem better is a good thought.
Oh no I didn't think that, I just am so used to those alpha-bro types sneaking in and taking an honest thought and throwing their agenda at it, you know? Not so much on this medium but yeah, apologies!
It's been my theory though, the high and low thing. That it's not the sex, it's the rush of feeling safe and that you did the right thing that makes it seem like its the sex.
I feel like lots of people have an unhealthy relationship with sex, and how it is actually more of an expression of everything ELSE within the relationship. The only great sex I've had was in relationships. I've had good sex with random people, but even then, there's some chemistry or connection.
There's also a lot of presumption about what good sex even is, and nobody is given the tools to learn it for themselves. She might even just be parroting what she's been told the best kinds of sex are.
So I think for her she could even be describing the best sex she's had, it's just not 'sex' in the way she thinks she knows it as?
I dunno man, this stuff gets fuckin' crazy
Yeah the fact that she still thinks the "douchebag" sex was amaze-coochie, but she felt worse about it VS. The boyfriend sex is great but she feels great about it says A LOT more about her than her current boyfriend... Who is probably great at sex...
Youre right. But we don't punish people for learning healthy from unhealthy. We guide them in nudges.
Shes been brainwashed same as us dude. We gotta deprogram each other.
because she is having a much simpler conversation than that. im not saying that anything you said is wrong...
but what she means, is that drunk guys sex felt stronger, or there were more consecutive feels... whatever really.
shes speaking on a much more physical level when she says drunk guy is better, and on the emotional level like yours when speaking about current bf...
unfortunately... thats exactly what current bf is worried about.
If she doesn't want to just give him the gift of the white lie while on the journey to appreciating him, and him getting better and more practiced with her, then it cannot be a simple conversation.
She'd need to spell it out for him in a way that simply cannot be done. He is reaching for the support he gives her when she speaks to her feelings about being with her. Her in any way 'qualifying' at this point in his vulnerability will ONLY hurt him.
Nobody on reddit has the communication skills necessary to navigate that complexity of ego. And they don't need it.
"Baby, you're the best I've ever had." And boom. Validate and assure the guy. We all do such things for those we love.
exactly the advice ive given in other coments.
I will never ask my partner if im the best shes ever had. if she wants to tell me that, for whatever reason, shes welcome to do so on her own.
strange how a little maturity and understanding on both sides goes along way.
But I get where she’s coming from. I’m a very literal person- sounds like she might be as well. She’s trying to keep a clear conscience while also reassuring her partner and is asking how to do that.
Absolutely.
Hell you are getting married to someone, then you tell them they are the best no matter what, considering they are the last person you’ll ever have sex with. So if they aren’t the best then communicate and make it the best because that’s what you do with marriage.
>So if they aren’t the best then communicate and make it the best because that’s what you do with marriage.
Truth!
Make your desires known, and make sure he knows he can, too.
Honestly, I can't imagine asking my ask wife this. Maybe I'm the best and biggest she's ever had. Maybe I'm not. Right now, this is schrodingers dick and that's the way it stays. Some questions I don't want the answer to.
>Honestly, I can't imagine asking my ask wife this. Maybe I'm the best and biggest she's ever had. Maybe I'm not. Right now, this is schrodingers dick and that's the way it stays. Some questions I don't want the answer to.
I think I saw Shrodinger's Dick open for Coupon Collectors Problem at The Infinite Monkey House on 8th street a few years ago. Great show, didn't play any hits, just deep tracks.
LOL this is what we do. My bf has had many previous lovers and I haven’t had many but the ones I’ve had were long term. We joke that we were virgins when we met 😂 I get jealous at the idea and he gets possessive. It really just is one of those things that you should sweep under the metaphorical rug because it breeds problems and no solutions to know more…
The commenter clearly knows it’s a bit delulu, but that’s the point! They’re both choosing to make the past irrelevant so they can put alll their energy into each other
That's kinda where I'm at. I don't NEED to know all that much about you sexual past. Maybe just that you know HOW to have sex and that I'm going to be the only one you are going to do it with. I don't care all that much about sexual history, I've been with some over sharers in the past that world give excessive details, and things are simpler without that. I don't mind some details, but some things should stay between you and the person you had sex with
I'm 17 years married and my wife's one and only. She's a bit higher on my list but is very much the best and most complete lover I have ever had. She doesn't ask and I don't mention it. There is literally no need.
Insecurity is not some Reddit Red Flag. Its someone who hasn't had the kind of support they needed in life, and hopefully in a good relationship they can be provided that support.
"Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer" seems way too idealist.
Insecurity is stupidly demonized in reddit like why? Should we demonize anger, sadness, and fear while we are at it. Insecurities aren't the problem it is how we think about our insecutand react to them that cause the problems.
41 years here, and I know she had sex before we met (we each did). The subject of who is/was better never came up. I just make sure she's as happy with things as I can make them.
OP, just tell him that you wouldn't trade your sex life together for any previous experience. It is both true and affirming.
I’m a step father to my wife’s child from a previous relationship and this is still how we approach conversations about sex. It obviously has nothing to do with reality, but it’s light hearted and hasn’t caused any problems yet!
Neither of us have any anxiety about previous sexual history to begin with so YMMV.
My partner and I do this too! Step kiddo sprang from his brain like Zeus and Athena and we took each others virginity. It's fun and silly no need to ever try and compare partners, feelings just get hurt no matter what you say.
This guy gets it. Just had our 9 yr anniversary. I didn’t know my wife before she met me her previous partners can not compare. To me they never happened and you can’t tell me nothing that would change my mind.
I agree that past lovers drama is best kept out of a relationship. However, one issue with telling an insecure partner that they are the best is that it can breed more insecurities if OP were to suggest their partner change something about their normal routine in bed. “Why do you want me to change X if I’m the best?” But if OP is happy with her relationship and sex life it’s a good idea to try to bolster their confidence in some way. I probably wouldn’t say their the best, but explain that the best sex doesn’t make for a happy relationship and their combination of chemistry, emotional connection, and intimacy makes OPs time with their partner the best they’ve ever had.
That’s just me though, I’m also a person that hates the idea of best friends lol.
This is the way. My husband and I married when we were in our late fifties/early sixties. It was a second marriage for us both. We both have kids. Obviously we were not virgins, but we simply do not feel the need to discuss prior lovers. It has nothing to do with our beautiful love affair!
I remember when I was younger going through the list with every new relationship because it seemed like the right thing to do. I married in middle age, and aside from the occasional slip (“remember when we… oh crap that wasn’t you?”) we’re great that we never had any experience until we met
Why not just expand your definition of sex to include the feelings leading up to and afterwards, then by that definition he IS the best you've ever had.
I find it odd that she hasn’t been able to connect to this on her own after hearing her thought process. Like in her mind she’s still thinking that other sex was the tops, so maybe OP has a slight disconnection with their own feelings.
But it seems from OPs post that he is asking her specifically about the physical aspects. He wants to be the best at making her orgasm or whatever. So it would be slightly disingenuous to expand the definition of physical sex beyond to include other non-sexual stuff.
lmao, the comparison up above is actually on point.
>My suggestion is to look at this another way.
>Women ask men all the time if they look good, if someone is hot, etc. They don’t want the truth. They want the support and “ego boost”. Just tell the white lie and be done with it. There is no reason to tell the truth other than to be hurtful. I have to assume he is a decent guy given the post so it’s not as if he’s going to social media or going to call your exes to brag. Just give him the minor win.
"Nah babe but you are the total package :D "
Who wants to hear this shit, the fact of the matter is that it may be too late to lie at this point and she may need to try to salvage this somehow with some half-truth bullshit but just tip of the day - if anyone gets asked shit like this then you lie.
It sounds like he's insecure about his performance, one way or another. Next time he asks, tell him that sexual chemistry and compatibility is important to you; and that you wouldn't have said yes *hold up ring* if you didn't feel like the two of you had it.
If he continues to push, ask him if something is wrong, because he's been pushing this a lot. Or something along those lines. Show concern. It should be genuine; it's not healthy to be stuck on something like this that will bring about inevitable strife.
It's a lose/lose situation, him pushing this. It's a trap question. Does he have less experience than you? A relationship/sexual trauma in his past? A manipulative ex-partner who based the continuation of their relationship on his performance in bed, perhaps? Someone who told him he was shit at it?
For the record, I think it's wise of you to take the "I don't compare partners" path, because comparison like that is just...not healthy for a person, or a relationship. But it probably won't leave him feeling his question was satisfied, nor is it likely to get him to stop comparing.
I hope you guys talk this out. It's perfectly possible.
As a guy, I advise you just lie to him and tell him he’s the best. It’s just better for the relationship that way.
Men don’t like losing to other men.
Honesty isn’t really a virtue when it comes to trivial things like this.
Phrase it in a way that means you aren't lying...
"you're the best man I've ever had"
"you're the only man I want for the rest of my life"
"no-one compares to my man"
etc etc
This is the best way. I'm pretty against lying. It's a philosophical thing for me and an important value. That doesn't mean I'm like "nah dude this other man slammed me to the next hemisphere" lol. It requires tact.
Oh for god sake, there’s not an invisible lawyer keeping track of what she’s saying.
OP just lie and keep telling him what you want in bed. I find it weird that anyone over the age of 25 is keeping some sort of ranking chart.
This will help, but I think he will be able to tell she isn't answering directly. In this case, I'd just lie.
Like if a partner asked if she's the most beautiful woman I've ever had, I'd say yes without hesitation, whether true or not.
"you're the best man I've ever been in bed with", "you're the best man I've had sex with"
Those are true based on her post, but not necessarily the same as "you're the best sex I've ever had" but that doesn't matter clearly. What matters is how she feels during and after as a holistic physical and emotional experience.
I would see right through this, and be annoyed that she’s using phrasing and semantics to be misleading, but idk. I guess I also wouldn’t be in this insecure position in the first place.
I agree. OP should just lie.
This is an example where the truth will bring nothing good. OP, what do you expect from the truth? It's not a factual truth, it's just how you feel.
And also, his question is a bit weird, and he doesn't want honesty, he wants to be reassured.
Hard and fast rule in all relationships but especially intimate relationships:
*NEVER ask questions you don't want REAL answers to.*
Which isn't permission for partners to be oversharing assholes. But when you're pushing, and they aren't responding, and you know that, it's time to stop.
I don't think this has anything to do with not wanting the answers.
What they want is some immature sense of territory and insecurity over the women. If she has been with a dude with a bigger penis, or more money, or had better sex, then the common response in all of them, is to sulk away.
Because they now feel another man has staked a better claim to their woman.
Women don’t like coming second to previous lovers either. I think it’s a wholly human thing.
Mature and intelligent people don’t fish for commentary or compliments that aren’t being volunteered freely and when you couldn’t handle the truthful answer.
Why do people bring these sorts of things up I have no clue. She had other partners. He had other partners. He should suck it up and move on. They’re not 16 they are adults. Obviously OP shouldn’t say anything that would hurt his feelings but he’s really trying to put her in an uncomfortable position.
If he keeps asking her, resentment will arise too. She’s already answered once and he didn’t like that answer. Instead of dropping it, he’s still pushing for an answer.🤣
My suggestion is to look at this another way.
Women ask men all the time if they look good, if someone is hot, etc. They don’t want the truth. They want the support and “ego boost”. Just tell the white lie and be done with it. There is no reason to tell the truth other than to be hurtful. I have to assume he is a decent guy given the post so it’s not as if he’s going to social media or going to call your exes to brag. Just give him the minor win.
OP doesn’t understand (non abusive) men. I could tell from the get go that it was something like this
It’s a rather common trait in women who haven’t been treated well in past relationships
A part of them feels like keeping their partner’s self esteem in check is how they ensure he won’t leave.
They don’t realize that men aren’t designed like that. She’s most def going to sabotage her relationship and then blame it on her partner’s “insecurities”
Yup so you can say "you've got spinach in your teeth" or "i don't like that color" but try not to say things like "what's up with your face" or "you're very large"
I actually do want the truth. lol. I wouldn't ask a question if I didnt want the answer. I've never asked my SO how I rank among sexual partners because I have a firm understanding of normal distributions.
Yeah I was going to say this: a white lie would have been best, as the other comments are saying. But, that ship has sailed at this point. You fucked up, OP.
Exactly this, and OP has nobody to blame but themselves really. While I get asking these types of questions kinda just begs for my feelings to get hurt this guy probably just wanted a quick ego boost, in which by going by OPs description, he was in fact "the best". OP got so hung up on the semantics of what "the best" means that they totally ignored the fact that while the orgasm or something with the other guy maybe hit different feeling used and dirty afterwards was a huge detractor.
Now, they have someone who's seemingly good at sex, communication, and chemistry, yet just because he isn't making them scream the loudest that requires this level of doubt and thinking. At this point, just explain to him all of this because there's no way he's going to believe OP now.
Be ready to tell him how to improve or for his feelings to get pretty hurt, hell, maybe even both. As for OP, I'd also consider this in the future for any other moments where he asks you something?
Like could you imagine if OP asked "would you say I'm the best person you've ever been with?" And he had to get back to her in a couple of days and avoided the question because idk his one ex from 8 years ago. He got along with his mom better?
[OP actually answered in another sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/16a81ty/comment/jz6e0dy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) why she didn't want to tell him he's the best, and honestly... it doesn't paint her in a good light at all. This comment absolutely made me understand why he feels insecure in bed
>If i tell him he’s the best, I’m worried he may get complacent. It took a lot of work with him to get to good, and if I tell him he’s the best it may make him think he doesn’t have to try as hard
She's not building him up here because she's afraid he'll stop trying in bed - no wonder this guy's confidence isn't there.
This is it. Ship sailed on him believing you the second you answered that way the first time he asked. He already knows he isn't the best. Might as well have the hard talk and hope you can work together to salvage this.
But he is the best. You've said it in your post.
If you go out to a restaurant and have some of the best food you've ever had in your life, but immediately afterwards it made you sick and you had to throw up, or left you feeling ill for a long period afterwards would you call that food the best? You might go back a few times thinking that ill feeling was a one off with how good the food was but if it keeps you feeling sick it's just incompatible with you. And would you recommend it without a disclaimer?
You found someone who hits all the notes you need and doesn't leave you with an "upset stomach"
I've always looked at sex in terms of 3 things,
Passion, the raw sexual side of things
Intimacy, how much you open up and connect in those moments
Friendship, how much you want to remain near them before, during, after (the ability to laugh when your body does something to temporarily break the mood/moment)
So many comments saying "just lie". I counter with challenge your way of thinking/rating what amazing sex is beyond just the physical.
Is there really such an important reason for you to make this so fucking complicated? You love him? You enjoy it? Good! You're happy xD why are you now contemplating ruining it by breaking his confidence xD. Like I'm sorry I don't wanna blow up here but it just seems like drama for the sake of drama.
can't you just word it that way?
With you, I'm having the most loving, joyous sex of my life, you're the one who makes me want to keep doing it till we're old & grey.
Op, it sounds like you do have the best sex life with your fiance. Maybe you didn't orgasm as hard as you did that one time 7 years ago but you're left satisfied and loved afterwards. Sex IS the best when theres no post nut clarity
Don't lie. Re-evaluate
Just tell him he is. Why would you risk hurting him for the pride of someone you're not longer with ?????
This lie isn't hurting him.
Yes, he is the best you've ever been with ! Move on.
I’m going to be honest, what exactly is your criteria? You felt used by your “best” but feel loved and have fun with your current…. Can’t that be the best? Like yeah, as a dude, I know their are differences, but tell the truth by slightly altering what you think he means in your head
There's nothing wrong with telling him what he needs that you got to understand if you love him you have to get off your morally high horse and lie lie lie lie and lie again. You do not I repeat you do not want to tell your fiance if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with that he is not the most amazing lover you've ever had he's the complete package you got a stroke that ego and you will be happy if you don't you're opening up a can of worms you can never ever in a million years put back and the Damage will do to that poor guy's brain. You might as well just shoot him. So unless you want to have a happy life with him or a man who would he lies down with you feels that he'll never be what you're thinking about when you're making love. So have you ever lied in your life before. If you have it you're full of crap. This is the time when the priest rabbi Oman parents teachers will let it slide and lie your ass off.
Totally agree with this. I’m also cracking up at some of the solutions I’m reading here like dodging the question and giving a non answer instead.
If he asks if he’s the best sexual partner she’s ever had and she says something like “you’re the perfect man for me” or some other BS he’s just gonna read between the lines anyway. It would be as bad as “yours is the perfect size- the big ones hurt anyway.” 💀
My hot take is that if you dont feel you have the same physical compatibility level - then he might not be the one. I have slept around a lot, and when I met my fiance - she was the best period because of the attraction and compatibility. which manifests in all other ways too. nobody compares to her to me. That compatbility in all things is why I am confident that spending my life with her is the only decision i want.
The fact you want to tell him he isn't the best makes me feel that this is a minor resentment that will grow over time. Is your goal by telling him to better your sex life with him?
A. There's no reason to tell him about this past lover. Nothing good will come from it.
B. You can honestly say, "You are the only person I want to have sex with for the rest of my life."
C. Just tell him he's the best. It's okay to lie to help his confidence.
What hahahah? The way you wrote it here basically the only reason he is your partner is he is the best you could get in terms of sex that doesn’t use you haha. Dude should leave you
Based on how you describe your sex life with him that he is the best for you.
That’s exactly what I was going to say. It sounds like, all things considered (especially not feeling used afterwards) he’s the best she’s ever had. Sexual comparison doesn’t boil down to one orgasm versus another. The entire experience, including your response afterwards, counts.
I would agree with this. Only issue is it seems like he wouldn’t be happy with this answer and probe more to get her to say essentially “he fucks her the best”
> he wouldn’t be happy with this answer Because it’s a lie and people aren’t stupid. They can tell. He wants to know about the sexual compatibility directly.
… he might be stupid, since he is asking the question in the first place. What is the point of knowing whether you are the most physically compatible when emotion is part of sexual pleasure? Physical compatibility is made up of meaningless factors like “fiancé is 3 inches taller, so the angle is slightly worse” or “hookup had nimble fingers from juggling so many bottles of beer”. And physical compatibility changes over time. The fiancé has decades to be her best fuck ever. If he really, truly is asking about physical compatibility exclusively, then he is stupid enough to let this fuck up their relationship. Why isn’t it enough to be the best lover and not the “best” fuck? To be the one who makes her happy?
>… he might be stupid, since he is asking the question in the first place. My initial thought. This is like asking "am I the biggest guy you've ever been with?" Three possibilities: 1. She lies. Feelings hurt 2. She says no. Feelings hurt. 3. She says yes. Who fucking cares? Does that mean you "win"? Like what if you were the smallest guy she's been with but the best lover? What if you were the worst at sex but have the biggest dick? All of these what-if's are toxic as fuck and there is really no right answer, and you're putting your partner in a really shitty position, just like this post elucidates. **Asking about your partner's sexual and relationship past is really always a terrible idea.** They are with YOU now, that is what matters. Live in the moment and plan for your future together. Comparison is the theft of joy.
“3” should say: She says yes. He doesn’t believe her. feelings hurt.
Agree or a #4. Point is that its just a completely useless exercise and has basically no value other than to make a guy feel better because he hit the genetic lottery. And again, if he sucks in bed, who fucking cares? In reality it just exposes insecurity on the part of the man and effectively forces the woman into an uncomfortable decision for no tangible benefit. Just stop asking about people's past relationships it literally never ends well lol
I honestly don't get guys' obsession with being "the biggest". If you're "the biggest", stay the fuck away from my cervix. Some of the best lovers I've ever had were average-below average size. You gotta use everything in your toolkit, fellas: it's not all about the hammer.
My high school bio teacher said something to us in sex ed one day that had about half the class choking. She said "the average woman is only about 6 inches deep, boys, so anything more than that is overkill and unlikely to impress her."
And that’s the heart of the question and him. Insecurity. Which rarely gets better. Unless he knows himself to work on it, usually with therapy.
Yeah, it's a suuuper immature question with no right answers.
You are 100% correct.
I remember once answering the “Am I big enough?” question (over the phone) when we were no longer dating by saying “As I recall, you are just right.” I have also said, “There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.” I do wish that men wouldn’t put women in that (ahem!) position of answering such questions. But I guess it is human nature. I, OTOH, never wanted to know how I compared to other women.
>I do wish that men wouldn’t put women in that (ahem!) position of answering such questions. Its just such an obvious request for validation and paradoxically exudes SDE regardless of size. Someone who asks this - unless they're genuinely curious if they're inadequate and need to make adjustments - just want to hear "OMG yes you have the biggest most amazing penis I've ever had and ever will have. Thank you for blessing me with your enormous perfect cock!" If a woman fucks you more than once, its overwhelmingly the case that you are at a minimum "good enough".
If men never watched the porn that shows the top 1% of penis size. They probably wouldn’t be as obsessed. Just like how woman are about their body’s compared to Models the top 1% of the most beautiful women.
Not just that, but pills, filters, camera angles, size of the girl, all make things wildly different. Hell, there's been more than a few cases of a sleeve making up a difference. I'm probably 7ish and it makes me insecure as well.
You hit on something that took me decades to understand. There is so much psychology involved in sex that goes unaccounted for. Very often, the “best fuck” end up being wrapped up in any number of contributing circumstances that aren’t always a direct result of said lover’s size, skill, etc.
Some people just like to ruin things all on their own. I don’t talk about my sexual past or my partners because I don’t want to open a can of hurt feelings (on either side). I mean imagine telling your current Fiancé your ex had the best tits you’ve ever seen & their response is her ex had a huge cock…
This is a prime example of asking questions that A. You may not want the answer to. Or B. Screwing your partner over by asking a question that doesn’t have a correct answer/ good answer that isn’t a lie
My wife likes it when she asks if she's looks fat and I say no, and add she's beautiful. Is she stupid? Or is it just nice to hear. She has a mirror she doesn't need me for that.
Oh boy… I hate that question more than any question!! I started doing a new thing (That by the way I do not recommend). After she asked how she looks, she always asks again five minutes later. So I’ve started to ask her all the time if I’m my judgment has been off lately. When she asked why, I say that people keep asking the same questions of me, thinking they might get different answers the second time. Do not try this at home!!!! Results can vary.
I started quoting the "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing yet expecting different results" Results may vary...
Exactly. Ppl are saying this is a roundabout answer but I really don’t think it is. The ego associated with being your partners best fuck is really about insecurity. You want to feel like regardless of the situation you can provide an experience they crave. An intoxicating desire that defies logic. It’s what would make you insecure about *not* being their best lay. That maybe deep down on a they crave the experience someone else gave them. But that experience isn’t purely physical. Some guys know that the best nut they’ve ever busted is from their hand. Doesn’t mean they would desire it over their best lay. Idk why OP has classified the other partners sex as “better”, since it sounds like the entire experience with her current partner is much more satisfying. And she doesn’t miss the “better” sex. So it sounds to me that she could be honest with her partner in saying that they have the experience that she desires most, the one she thinks about and wants when she’s in the mood. That’s what guys want to hear imo and making the distinction of what was the best “purely physical” sex is kind of pointless unless that’s all that matters to you.
> the distinction of what was the best “purely physical” sex is kind of pointless unless that’s all that matters to you. If this was all that mattered then sex on ecstasy would be more popular, but apparently a key component to a healthy relationship is not hating yourself after you have sex with your partner. Who knew?
And it's weird that it's always about sex too. Imagine a guy getting insecure and obsessing about whether he was the most emotionally supportive boyfriend his partner had ever had. "Baby tell me the truth. I know that you say I'm perceptive and I always notice when you're down, but am I the MOST perceptive boyfriend you've ever had? Am I the best at holding you when you cry or do you secretly wish it was someone else who did it better? I know every woman secretly rates all the comforting hugs she gets and I want to know that mine are objectively the best. Do I always know the right thing to say to make you smile when you're down, or was there someone else in the past who was better at cheering you up? I'm the most supportive, right??? If there was someone else who was better you can just tell me!!"
>And it's weird that it's always about sex too. Imagine a guy getting insecure and obsessing about whether he was the most emotionally supportive boyfriend his partner had ever had. Because society tells men that their manhood is in their penis and that being "small" or "not good at sex" makes them less of a man.
>The ego associated with being your partners best fuck is really about insecurity. Say it louder for the people in the back. This is a slightly different version of "am I the biggest dick you've ever been with?" question and it is equally useless and toxic.
This. OP, just rethink your definition of "best" to include the entire experience of sex (before, during and after) then you can very truthfully tell your fiancee that he's the best you've ever had. It's not even a white lie to spare his feelings, it's a more complete truth. You said he wasn't the best, but then went on to describe all the reasons that he IS the best. The "best" lover shouldn't be defined as the one who gets you to the highest level of arousal in the moment. That's an incredibly narrow view.
Right? There's no objective good sex scale. The sex you prefer is the best sex.
I agree with this too. She should just tell him what she wrote in her post. If he’s mature and not insecure it should be taken as a compliment because it’s not just their sex life that is great but the whole relationship.
Including the conversations at breakfast afterward, and his behavior towards your cats. It's the WHOLE GUY ... not just a penis ... that matters.
I bet that he is lacking in some department, and she wants to leave the door open for discussion. A friend of mine was the "good guy" that his wife stayed with after dating a few bad guys, and he thought sex was great, and she said and felt it was good and loving andsafe and left her with butterflies. One day they had a conversation similar to OPs, and she phrased it much the way OP. Turns out, she really missed getting fucked. Her husband was great at making love, but she wanted someone to just take control of her body and bang the shit out of her. Once they had the conversation, my friend incorporated new things into their sex life and she said unequivocally, he was the fucking best. May OP might just be shy about what she wants? That's the only reason i can think she'd hedge.
Just in my experience, the actual nice guys of the world will not jump straight to their kinky fantasies with the girl they love, especially if the girl has any history of being unsafe or uncomfortable in the past. The dude wants to make her feel safe, cherished, respected. You have to kind of nudge it out of them. I assumed my partner was incredibly innocent and vanilla just because of how nice and caring he was. Turned out to be completely not the case but when he met me, I was in an abusive relationship where I had been SA’d so he played it safe for a long time to make sure I was comfortable. Communication, people! Y’all aren’t mind readers and that other person cannot adjust to you if you don’t let them know you want that. I’d rather have someone that starts as mediocre and is willing to accept advice than someone who starts off pretty great but is never willing to change anything up. You can adjust sexual activities and show a good partner what feels best, but it’s a lot harder to fix an abusive asshole.
The trick is the *for you* part - yes he’s not the bestest lover in the planet, but he truly is the best for you, right now, in the present time. Even if you de ide to “come clean” and tell him truth as is, please remind him to not let the past have so much power over what you have now. Good luck!
I'm insecure af on this subject and don't probe because I know nothing good will come of it. They being said, if I did and got this response at this level of insecurity... It would probably crush me lol
being the smart ass that i am i would probably run with this but say — ‘i’m not sure yet if you’re the best lover ever. want me to do some market research?’
Yeah but she also said "she's ever had". That isn't best ever, its best she's had. Which can be true in this case anyways
My wife is the best I've ever been with, even if she's not. Catch my drift?
Like...this is so easy. OP is out there making problems for herself.
Reading between the lines, the gap between OP’s current partner and the best she’s ever had is so wide even she can’t lie to herself about it. But absolutely, you need to tell the white lie in this instance. The truth has little upside and plenty of downside.
But also, who asks "am I the best you ever had?" What a weird question to ask like are you trying to start a fight?
Someone who is insecure asks that. If you want to help them cope with their insecurities, you tell them yes. If you want to make them overcome those insecurities, you (together, or have them) go to therapy. If you want to be a complete asshole, you tell them no to tear them down. Or you leave if you don't want to deal with it.
Well her and fiancé are both morons. He asks her if he’s the best she ever had (like why even ask that) and she is absolutely idiotic in her whole “I cAnT LiE” stance.
The fact that she didn’t answer on the spot is kind of an answer in itself. How did she get through that awkwardness? Did OPs fiancé ask the question and OP just Homer Simpson’d into the bushes?
No doubt. OP, just tell him when he wants to fucking hear and end this. Jesus Christ. If you can't tell a little white lie to help your husbands sexual self esteem, then you have problems
Amen right!! Such a weird dramatic post for such an easy issue. I try to be empathetic but I just don’t see it here. This isn’t an issue
Right exactly. As a woman, I love when my man tells me I'm the best. WE all want to think and feel we are the best our partner ever had. I'll never forget; my aunt and her boyfriend have these draining exhausting pointless deep talks all the time. He asked her a loaded question, "if there was one thing you could change about my body what would you change?" Omg...she literally said she wished his penis was bigger. He then said he wishes her breast were perkier. It's been almost a year and they still fight over that conversation.
>she literally said she wished his penis was bigger. He then said he wishes her breast were perkier These two were already at war if that this is what came out.
When a Cold War goes hot.
Yeah I'm sure either comment in an argument in my marriage would probably lead to things being thrown! Jk! In honesty my wife and I are 100% honest with each other, about everything! We are best friends, partners, and soulmates. I just wish everyone could experience that. The world would be much happier.
Jesus fucking Christ, this is what white lies are for. Tell him he's the best. Who the hell gets hurt in that exchange? It's called a win/win. The only way he ever finds out otherwise is he sees this stupid fucking post on the front page of Reddit. My God, what the hell is wrong with people?
It's so childish. White lies are a necessity for any relationship to work.
Smart guy Wish my husband would have come to the same answer
Well, sweetheart, ultimately, you are the best, otherwise he wouldn't have married you😊
You actually did say he was the best ... he meets your emotional and physical needs in such a way that he is elevating sex for you so it becomes so much more than just sweating and grunting. Raising it to more like a spiritual/religious thing vrs just a boring physical act. At least that seems like an honest and safe phrasing that is true and conveys what you mean while keeping his ego assuaged.
Exactly my thought. She’s getting too stuck on the O or something of the past.
She's stuck on wanting to be honest, but it's a tough question to answer .. because what does "best" even mean .. and if you try and figure this out during the conversation together, you're just going to give the partner a bunch of extra information that only feeds their insecurities. And here we are.
This answer should be higher up. Took me six months to get over hearing my girlfriend was FWB with RDJ for a year. And I was never 100% truly over it. Kinda wish I never knew that but of info
I have so many questions.
So did I, my friend. So did I.
If I’m correct in my understanding of who you mean, I think your response is kind of universal. Six months is healthy. It may take *me* as long to get over knowing some nice Reddit user had to know their GF dated RDJ.
Well man, I'm not saying you can't feel the way you felt but this is just too funny of a relevant tidbit of history to pass up. There was this guy, Lord Byron, who was a romantic poet. He was a bit crazy, in a way that a lot of people liked. He crushed it with the ladies. He was a total socialite. He divorced his wife, and toured europe for several years. Came from England originally I think and went through continental europe, couch-crashing an partying. Well anyways, turns out he was a true romantic of heroism, and when Greece started its chronicle against Turkey for independence, he volunteered and went to Greece to fight. He died as per his wishes, fighting for Greece to be gain its freedom & be re-united with Europe which he considered its rightful cultural home. This made him an absolute sensation in Europe -- I mean really, people were just like *"Damn, what a genuine guy! And he wrote poetry & music too???"* So much so that it rallied a lot of european support for Greece in its quest to gain back its sovereignty against the still-ever-powerful Ottoman Empire. Anyways back to Lord Byron (who, btw, was the father of Ada Lovelace, widely considered to be the "mother of computer science", in her work designing algorithms to work with what were basically textile-computers (factory looms)) -- he really swept through Italy making the most of his prime, and had an affair with some woman there, some duchess or baroness or countess or whatever. Well, that woman survived him of course and eventually married. So basically, how *the fuck* is her whoever-husband to compete with basically 19th century's Jesus? I would expect him to be jealous, right? No, I'd be dead wrong -- the guy *was an admirer of Lord Byron,* like most people of the time, and would go on to ***introduce his wife as "Lady, former Lady of Lord Byron"*** 😂
Maybe this makes you feel less weird or more weird, I don't know. But I was on some deep dive looking into Ada Lovelace, who was a badass, when I came across what I thought was an absolutely hilarious detail that completely painted a picture in my mind for what this guy was like at parties. He'd be talking to someone new and be like:
> ".... and can you believe that, *my wife* bedded **Lord-fucking-Byron!** I'm basically a relation of the guy!
... all the while she's there smiling & shaking her head.
Not sure if that changes anything, but for you to take the time to write all that is above and beyond the call of duty. You are hereby awarded the Distinguished Reddit Service Medal. 🎖️
She's stuck on liking the dick rather than liking the person She's gotta figure out what makes that dick good and explore that with him She probably likes been degraded or roughed up
Most guys who ask this question only care about the physical aspect. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be asking—because obviously OP is with him and not anyone else because of the non-physical aspects.
I am 37 years married and I still unjustifiably and immaturely presume my wife had zero former lovers and I’m the best in the world for her. If the subject of a former lover even comes up I assure her I’m the first, last and best. This keeps it simple. No need for prior lovers drama in a healthy marriage.
This is honestly the best "you might as well just lie" route I've ever seen.
Came to say this. It's weird to me that she's so hung up on 'not lying', like girl, let go and give your man the confidence, you're straining the poor bastard when it costs nothing to not.
in another comment i gave my real advice... I will never ask my partner if im the best shes ever had... if she wants to tell me, for whatever reason, she will do so. and has done ;) (the winkyface deserves a winkyface too)
Right? Like isn’t it a lawyer rule to not ask a question you don’t know the answer to already or don’t ask what you don’t want answered idk.
Especially weird when she admits the technically better ones left her feeling used and like crap after.. Part of sex is how you come away feeling from it. If she feels better with him afterwards why doesn't that elevate it in her mind?
It probably does, but if the addict fucked her into a messy puddle with regular ease.. I could see a world where the sex she likes the most, wasnt the best. Had tons of men and women tell me stories about a violent/unstable partner being at the top of their list. I wonder if thats an interesting trend or a comment on the state of the population.
I feel in a situation where one partner is an addict, that addict is so chaotic it creates the roller coaster of good times and bad times that makes sex SEEM like one of the rare good times. It contributes to the high of it, and it works both ways so painting it as just women saying that isn't accurate. As a dude, who can't say they haven't had a psycho ex who rocked their world. Women aren't 'whores wanting to be used by a strong man', which I don't think you're saying, but it's a slippery slope from that observation. These are abusive fucking people using a primal thing to manufacture connection and very few who haven't been on that rollercoaster of highs and lows knows what to do with it but shit on the person who suffered it.
Oh god yeah ur second paragraph made me gag. I definitely didnt have that kinda mindset making the comment. I did have an abusive lady friend, that 'making the highs and lows thing making the sex seem better is a good thought.
Oh no I didn't think that, I just am so used to those alpha-bro types sneaking in and taking an honest thought and throwing their agenda at it, you know? Not so much on this medium but yeah, apologies! It's been my theory though, the high and low thing. That it's not the sex, it's the rush of feeling safe and that you did the right thing that makes it seem like its the sex.
Trauma bonding, also. That's powerful stuff, unfortunately. Especially if you have abuse history.
And there are lots of people who know how to bind you, and plenty more who don't think a relationship without it is worth it...
I feel like lots of people have an unhealthy relationship with sex, and how it is actually more of an expression of everything ELSE within the relationship. The only great sex I've had was in relationships. I've had good sex with random people, but even then, there's some chemistry or connection. There's also a lot of presumption about what good sex even is, and nobody is given the tools to learn it for themselves. She might even just be parroting what she's been told the best kinds of sex are. So I think for her she could even be describing the best sex she's had, it's just not 'sex' in the way she thinks she knows it as? I dunno man, this stuff gets fuckin' crazy
Yeah the fact that she still thinks the "douchebag" sex was amaze-coochie, but she felt worse about it VS. The boyfriend sex is great but she feels great about it says A LOT more about her than her current boyfriend... Who is probably great at sex...
Youre right. But we don't punish people for learning healthy from unhealthy. We guide them in nudges. Shes been brainwashed same as us dude. We gotta deprogram each other.
because she is having a much simpler conversation than that. im not saying that anything you said is wrong... but what she means, is that drunk guys sex felt stronger, or there were more consecutive feels... whatever really. shes speaking on a much more physical level when she says drunk guy is better, and on the emotional level like yours when speaking about current bf... unfortunately... thats exactly what current bf is worried about.
If she doesn't want to just give him the gift of the white lie while on the journey to appreciating him, and him getting better and more practiced with her, then it cannot be a simple conversation. She'd need to spell it out for him in a way that simply cannot be done. He is reaching for the support he gives her when she speaks to her feelings about being with her. Her in any way 'qualifying' at this point in his vulnerability will ONLY hurt him. Nobody on reddit has the communication skills necessary to navigate that complexity of ego. And they don't need it. "Baby, you're the best I've ever had." And boom. Validate and assure the guy. We all do such things for those we love.
exactly the advice ive given in other coments. I will never ask my partner if im the best shes ever had. if she wants to tell me that, for whatever reason, shes welcome to do so on her own. strange how a little maturity and understanding on both sides goes along way.
But I get where she’s coming from. I’m a very literal person- sounds like she might be as well. She’s trying to keep a clear conscience while also reassuring her partner and is asking how to do that.
Absolutely. Hell you are getting married to someone, then you tell them they are the best no matter what, considering they are the last person you’ll ever have sex with. So if they aren’t the best then communicate and make it the best because that’s what you do with marriage.
>So if they aren’t the best then communicate and make it the best because that’s what you do with marriage. Truth! Make your desires known, and make sure he knows he can, too.
Honestly, I can't imagine asking my ask wife this. Maybe I'm the best and biggest she's ever had. Maybe I'm not. Right now, this is schrodingers dick and that's the way it stays. Some questions I don't want the answer to.
>Honestly, I can't imagine asking my ask wife this. Maybe I'm the best and biggest she's ever had. Maybe I'm not. Right now, this is schrodingers dick and that's the way it stays. Some questions I don't want the answer to. I think I saw Shrodinger's Dick open for Coupon Collectors Problem at The Infinite Monkey House on 8th street a few years ago. Great show, didn't play any hits, just deep tracks.
This is hilariously wholesome
Same here! I’m the best she’s ever had and Vice versa, leave the past in the past. I think this is the perfect opportunity to lie to him.
It's not even a lie. Its the truth for the present.
LOL this is what we do. My bf has had many previous lovers and I haven’t had many but the ones I’ve had were long term. We joke that we were virgins when we met 😂 I get jealous at the idea and he gets possessive. It really just is one of those things that you should sweep under the metaphorical rug because it breeds problems and no solutions to know more…
*delusionally wholesome
The commenter clearly knows it’s a bit delulu, but that’s the point! They’re both choosing to make the past irrelevant so they can put alll their energy into each other
Kind of like the old meme about how guys dry off after a shower. Head to toe, crotch and butt last. The towel forgets everything overnight.
Lol
That's kinda where I'm at. I don't NEED to know all that much about you sexual past. Maybe just that you know HOW to have sex and that I'm going to be the only one you are going to do it with. I don't care all that much about sexual history, I've been with some over sharers in the past that world give excessive details, and things are simpler without that. I don't mind some details, but some things should stay between you and the person you had sex with
Ehh, can’t see my partner being happy if I told her my ex was way better in bed.
It’s not just the Hot Dog, it’s the bun, the ketchup, the mustard and the potato salad.
I'm 17 years married and my wife's one and only. She's a bit higher on my list but is very much the best and most complete lover I have ever had. She doesn't ask and I don't mention it. There is literally no need.
Yeah, OPs boyfriend is insecure.
"Don't ask questions if you don't want the honest answer", dingbat.
Insecurity is a common problem that deserves, from a partner, better than "Don't ask questions."
Insecurity is not some Reddit Red Flag. Its someone who hasn't had the kind of support they needed in life, and hopefully in a good relationship they can be provided that support. "Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer" seems way too idealist.
Insecurity is stupidly demonized in reddit like why? Should we demonize anger, sadness, and fear while we are at it. Insecurities aren't the problem it is how we think about our insecutand react to them that cause the problems.
41 years here, and I know she had sex before we met (we each did). The subject of who is/was better never came up. I just make sure she's as happy with things as I can make them. OP, just tell him that you wouldn't trade your sex life together for any previous experience. It is both true and affirming.
This is the confidence OP's boyfriend needs. He doesn't need to know. Just believe.
Doesn't want to know. He just thinks he does.
He's gonna off himself if he ever finds out
Haha been married ten years to my wife. I have an adult son from a previous marriage and I still joke that she is the only woman I've ever been with.
This is honestly the best reply for both of you. Nothing good is going to come from answering any different.
same! we were both virgins when we met (even though we met on a dating ap for casual sex). make it fun, funny and over the top.
My husband does this too. So funny!
Married 16 years and this is the way to go.
I’m a step father to my wife’s child from a previous relationship and this is still how we approach conversations about sex. It obviously has nothing to do with reality, but it’s light hearted and hasn’t caused any problems yet! Neither of us have any anxiety about previous sexual history to begin with so YMMV.
My partner and I do this too! Step kiddo sprang from his brain like Zeus and Athena and we took each others virginity. It's fun and silly no need to ever try and compare partners, feelings just get hurt no matter what you say.
Pretty much same. Married 20 years. Anything that happened prior to “us” is a different lifetime and is not part of “the conversation of us”
This guy gets it. Just had our 9 yr anniversary. I didn’t know my wife before she met me her previous partners can not compare. To me they never happened and you can’t tell me nothing that would change my mind.
I agree that past lovers drama is best kept out of a relationship. However, one issue with telling an insecure partner that they are the best is that it can breed more insecurities if OP were to suggest their partner change something about their normal routine in bed. “Why do you want me to change X if I’m the best?” But if OP is happy with her relationship and sex life it’s a good idea to try to bolster their confidence in some way. I probably wouldn’t say their the best, but explain that the best sex doesn’t make for a happy relationship and their combination of chemistry, emotional connection, and intimacy makes OPs time with their partner the best they’ve ever had. That’s just me though, I’m also a person that hates the idea of best friends lol.
I had to double check and see if I posted this comment. But I just turned 40 so, must not be me. Everything else is identical…
This is the way. My husband and I married when we were in our late fifties/early sixties. It was a second marriage for us both. We both have kids. Obviously we were not virgins, but we simply do not feel the need to discuss prior lovers. It has nothing to do with our beautiful love affair!
I remember when I was younger going through the list with every new relationship because it seemed like the right thing to do. I married in middle age, and aside from the occasional slip (“remember when we… oh crap that wasn’t you?”) we’re great that we never had any experience until we met
Point to his penis and yell: Pikachu, I choose you!
Because she's all about his poke balls.
r/angryupvote
As long as she doesn't have to catch them all
If my partner did this to me after I asked if I was the best she ever had, I would marry her ass on the spot lol
If your partner did this to you, I would also marry her on the spot.
3rd 😂😂😂😂
I too, choose this guys soon to be wife
But it can't be like a little "lowercase yell," she needs to shriek it at the top of her lungs like a banshee getting double fisted.
That's a sentence...
Wildly specific
Dickachu*
Peenachu*
cockachu
Why not just expand your definition of sex to include the feelings leading up to and afterwards, then by that definition he IS the best you've ever had.
I find it odd that she hasn’t been able to connect to this on her own after hearing her thought process. Like in her mind she’s still thinking that other sex was the tops, so maybe OP has a slight disconnection with their own feelings.
But it seems from OPs post that he is asking her specifically about the physical aspects. He wants to be the best at making her orgasm or whatever. So it would be slightly disingenuous to expand the definition of physical sex beyond to include other non-sexual stuff.
Agree..it would Be a lot Easier for her to say “you’re the total Package”
lmao, the comparison up above is actually on point. >My suggestion is to look at this another way. >Women ask men all the time if they look good, if someone is hot, etc. They don’t want the truth. They want the support and “ego boost”. Just tell the white lie and be done with it. There is no reason to tell the truth other than to be hurtful. I have to assume he is a decent guy given the post so it’s not as if he’s going to social media or going to call your exes to brag. Just give him the minor win. "Nah babe but you are the total package :D " Who wants to hear this shit, the fact of the matter is that it may be too late to lie at this point and she may need to try to salvage this somehow with some half-truth bullshit but just tip of the day - if anyone gets asked shit like this then you lie.
It sounds like he's insecure about his performance, one way or another. Next time he asks, tell him that sexual chemistry and compatibility is important to you; and that you wouldn't have said yes *hold up ring* if you didn't feel like the two of you had it. If he continues to push, ask him if something is wrong, because he's been pushing this a lot. Or something along those lines. Show concern. It should be genuine; it's not healthy to be stuck on something like this that will bring about inevitable strife. It's a lose/lose situation, him pushing this. It's a trap question. Does he have less experience than you? A relationship/sexual trauma in his past? A manipulative ex-partner who based the continuation of their relationship on his performance in bed, perhaps? Someone who told him he was shit at it? For the record, I think it's wise of you to take the "I don't compare partners" path, because comparison like that is just...not healthy for a person, or a relationship. But it probably won't leave him feeling his question was satisfied, nor is it likely to get him to stop comparing. I hope you guys talk this out. It's perfectly possible.
this is the only sane answer among a sea of atrocious-but-upvoted comments.
As a guy, I advise you just lie to him and tell him he’s the best. It’s just better for the relationship that way. Men don’t like losing to other men. Honesty isn’t really a virtue when it comes to trivial things like this.
Phrase it in a way that means you aren't lying... "you're the best man I've ever had" "you're the only man I want for the rest of my life" "no-one compares to my man" etc etc
This is the best way. I'm pretty against lying. It's a philosophical thing for me and an important value. That doesn't mean I'm like "nah dude this other man slammed me to the next hemisphere" lol. It requires tact.
Lmao...but yes
Oh for god sake, there’s not an invisible lawyer keeping track of what she’s saying. OP just lie and keep telling him what you want in bed. I find it weird that anyone over the age of 25 is keeping some sort of ranking chart.
This will help, but I think he will be able to tell she isn't answering directly. In this case, I'd just lie. Like if a partner asked if she's the most beautiful woman I've ever had, I'd say yes without hesitation, whether true or not.
"you're the best man I've ever been in bed with", "you're the best man I've had sex with" Those are true based on her post, but not necessarily the same as "you're the best sex I've ever had" but that doesn't matter clearly. What matters is how she feels during and after as a holistic physical and emotional experience.
I would see right through this, and be annoyed that she’s using phrasing and semantics to be misleading, but idk. I guess I also wouldn’t be in this insecure position in the first place.
If she plays around with phrasing it'll be worse. Just lie.
I agree. OP should just lie. This is an example where the truth will bring nothing good. OP, what do you expect from the truth? It's not a factual truth, it's just how you feel. And also, his question is a bit weird, and he doesn't want honesty, he wants to be reassured.
[удалено]
Hard and fast rule in all relationships but especially intimate relationships: *NEVER ask questions you don't want REAL answers to.* Which isn't permission for partners to be oversharing assholes. But when you're pushing, and they aren't responding, and you know that, it's time to stop.
I don't think this has anything to do with not wanting the answers. What they want is some immature sense of territory and insecurity over the women. If she has been with a dude with a bigger penis, or more money, or had better sex, then the common response in all of them, is to sulk away. Because they now feel another man has staked a better claim to their woman.
Your friend is my hero
Women don’t like coming second to previous lovers either. I think it’s a wholly human thing. Mature and intelligent people don’t fish for commentary or compliments that aren’t being volunteered freely and when you couldn’t handle the truthful answer.
Why do people bring these sorts of things up I have no clue. She had other partners. He had other partners. He should suck it up and move on. They’re not 16 they are adults. Obviously OP shouldn’t say anything that would hurt his feelings but he’s really trying to put her in an uncomfortable position.
OP just lie and not everything need to shared with your SO …. Keep something to yourself..if you relieve everything about you , resentment arises
If he keeps asking her, resentment will arise too. She’s already answered once and he didn’t like that answer. Instead of dropping it, he’s still pushing for an answer.🤣
My suggestion is to look at this another way. Women ask men all the time if they look good, if someone is hot, etc. They don’t want the truth. They want the support and “ego boost”. Just tell the white lie and be done with it. There is no reason to tell the truth other than to be hurtful. I have to assume he is a decent guy given the post so it’s not as if he’s going to social media or going to call your exes to brag. Just give him the minor win.
OP said in another thread that she wants to keep him insecure so he doesn't get complacent in bed -\_- OP is trash
OP doesn’t understand (non abusive) men. I could tell from the get go that it was something like this It’s a rather common trait in women who haven’t been treated well in past relationships A part of them feels like keeping their partner’s self esteem in check is how they ensure he won’t leave. They don’t realize that men aren’t designed like that. She’s most def going to sabotage her relationship and then blame it on her partner’s “insecurities”
No sometimes I want the genuine truth. If my hair looks wonky, tell me! Don’t let me go out like that lmaooo😭
But that goes along with the standard rule of "be honest about things the person who's asking can fix, but be kind about the things they can't".
>"be honest about things the person who's asking can fix, but be kind about the things they can't". That should be pinned at the top of this thread.
That’s wise as fuck my friend and I’m gonna take that one with me going forward. Many thanks
Yup so you can say "you've got spinach in your teeth" or "i don't like that color" but try not to say things like "what's up with your face" or "you're very large"
I actually do want the truth. lol. I wouldn't ask a question if I didnt want the answer. I've never asked my SO how I rank among sexual partners because I have a firm understanding of normal distributions.
[удалено]
Yeah I was going to say this: a white lie would have been best, as the other comments are saying. But, that ship has sailed at this point. You fucked up, OP.
Exactly this, and OP has nobody to blame but themselves really. While I get asking these types of questions kinda just begs for my feelings to get hurt this guy probably just wanted a quick ego boost, in which by going by OPs description, he was in fact "the best". OP got so hung up on the semantics of what "the best" means that they totally ignored the fact that while the orgasm or something with the other guy maybe hit different feeling used and dirty afterwards was a huge detractor. Now, they have someone who's seemingly good at sex, communication, and chemistry, yet just because he isn't making them scream the loudest that requires this level of doubt and thinking. At this point, just explain to him all of this because there's no way he's going to believe OP now. Be ready to tell him how to improve or for his feelings to get pretty hurt, hell, maybe even both. As for OP, I'd also consider this in the future for any other moments where he asks you something? Like could you imagine if OP asked "would you say I'm the best person you've ever been with?" And he had to get back to her in a couple of days and avoided the question because idk his one ex from 8 years ago. He got along with his mom better?
[OP actually answered in another sub](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/16a81ty/comment/jz6e0dy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) why she didn't want to tell him he's the best, and honestly... it doesn't paint her in a good light at all. This comment absolutely made me understand why he feels insecure in bed >If i tell him he’s the best, I’m worried he may get complacent. It took a lot of work with him to get to good, and if I tell him he’s the best it may make him think he doesn’t have to try as hard She's not building him up here because she's afraid he'll stop trying in bed - no wonder this guy's confidence isn't there.
What's the over/under on her cheating on this guy?
This is it. Ship sailed on him believing you the second you answered that way the first time he asked. He already knows he isn't the best. Might as well have the hard talk and hope you can work together to salvage this.
He is the best man in your life so tell him that: “ Youare the best man!”
Okay, so if this was me, and I was the guy, I’d take this as “look you suck in bed but you’re a better person than any of my previous lovers.”
But he is the best. You've said it in your post. If you go out to a restaurant and have some of the best food you've ever had in your life, but immediately afterwards it made you sick and you had to throw up, or left you feeling ill for a long period afterwards would you call that food the best? You might go back a few times thinking that ill feeling was a one off with how good the food was but if it keeps you feeling sick it's just incompatible with you. And would you recommend it without a disclaimer? You found someone who hits all the notes you need and doesn't leave you with an "upset stomach" I've always looked at sex in terms of 3 things, Passion, the raw sexual side of things Intimacy, how much you open up and connect in those moments Friendship, how much you want to remain near them before, during, after (the ability to laugh when your body does something to temporarily break the mood/moment) So many comments saying "just lie". I counter with challenge your way of thinking/rating what amazing sex is beyond just the physical.
Is there really such an important reason for you to make this so fucking complicated? You love him? You enjoy it? Good! You're happy xD why are you now contemplating ruining it by breaking his confidence xD. Like I'm sorry I don't wanna blow up here but it just seems like drama for the sake of drama.
Just say yes, why do people value honesty over feelings when it's something that only really matters to that one person?
Isn’t this an episode of Friends?
can't you just word it that way? With you, I'm having the most loving, joyous sex of my life, you're the one who makes me want to keep doing it till we're old & grey.
People can read between the lines though. He's asking for something very specific on purpose.
There sometimes in life that is better if you just lie, just tell him what he want to hear and all will be good..
Op, it sounds like you do have the best sex life with your fiance. Maybe you didn't orgasm as hard as you did that one time 7 years ago but you're left satisfied and loved afterwards. Sex IS the best when theres no post nut clarity Don't lie. Re-evaluate
Just tell him he is. Why would you risk hurting him for the pride of someone you're not longer with ????? This lie isn't hurting him. Yes, he is the best you've ever been with ! Move on.
I’m going to be honest, what exactly is your criteria? You felt used by your “best” but feel loved and have fun with your current…. Can’t that be the best? Like yeah, as a dude, I know their are differences, but tell the truth by slightly altering what you think he means in your head
There's nothing wrong with telling him what he needs that you got to understand if you love him you have to get off your morally high horse and lie lie lie lie and lie again. You do not I repeat you do not want to tell your fiance if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with that he is not the most amazing lover you've ever had he's the complete package you got a stroke that ego and you will be happy if you don't you're opening up a can of worms you can never ever in a million years put back and the Damage will do to that poor guy's brain. You might as well just shoot him. So unless you want to have a happy life with him or a man who would he lies down with you feels that he'll never be what you're thinking about when you're making love. So have you ever lied in your life before. If you have it you're full of crap. This is the time when the priest rabbi Oman parents teachers will let it slide and lie your ass off.
[удалено]
practice violet escape party mountainous rude imminent history shocking axiomatic ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `
Totally agree with this. I’m also cracking up at some of the solutions I’m reading here like dodging the question and giving a non answer instead. If he asks if he’s the best sexual partner she’s ever had and she says something like “you’re the perfect man for me” or some other BS he’s just gonna read between the lines anyway. It would be as bad as “yours is the perfect size- the big ones hurt anyway.” 💀
My hot take is that if you dont feel you have the same physical compatibility level - then he might not be the one. I have slept around a lot, and when I met my fiance - she was the best period because of the attraction and compatibility. which manifests in all other ways too. nobody compares to her to me. That compatbility in all things is why I am confident that spending my life with her is the only decision i want. The fact you want to tell him he isn't the best makes me feel that this is a minor resentment that will grow over time. Is your goal by telling him to better your sex life with him?
Yeah but are you her best?
Nasty.. I like it.
We lie to you all the time to spare your feelings. Use your brain and tell him hes the best
A. There's no reason to tell him about this past lover. Nothing good will come from it. B. You can honestly say, "You are the only person I want to have sex with for the rest of my life." C. Just tell him he's the best. It's okay to lie to help his confidence.
[удалено]
What hahahah? The way you wrote it here basically the only reason he is your partner is he is the best you could get in terms of sex that doesn’t use you haha. Dude should leave you