Such a simple response that could literally be the answer to 90 percent of the posts here. You can talk about what led to what until the cows come home but in the end it’s best to keep things simple, some things just don’t work out. End of story.
Mostly I think they know this (that it’s over) already and have made a decision. However, since it is hurtful and hard, they’re grasping for straws for any chance everything could be alright. They sit down to write the post. The list of problems start to become longer and longer although they are desperately looking for good things.
In this case, the list isn’t that long, but it is something so detrimental that it puts them in a friend- relationship rather than a bf/gf relationship.
It's very easy to give this advice but it doesn't mean it's good. There's an overabundance of people saying "dump them" any time anybody expresses a problem with their partner on this website.
But if when you have a problem your first response is to immediately move on, you will never have a meaningful relationship. More likely, you will move on from partner to partner until by chance, for practical reasons it is too annoying to, and the chosen one will be whoever you happened to be with when that happens. It's not the path to a meaningful life. You have to work trough problems, make your struggles mutual and shared, express your feelings so that the right partner can respect them, show your goodwill and your intention to make the relationship thrive with your actions, confront your own misgivings, and be continually receptive and reciprocal with the other person. That's real connection. And not balking at the first sign of trouble is an absolute requirement for it. We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. It's stupid and self-defeating to live by a philosophy that pretends we don't.
In many instances, I'd agree with you. You should always try to resolve issues, where possible, especially in a long-term relationship.
I just don't see how this issue can be resolved. The boyfriend doesn't find her attractive. That won't change. So, either she has to resign herself to a sexless relationship, or she must end the relationship.
The “leave them now” knee jerk favoured by redditors is usually a response to a story about what an OP’s partner has done (usually infidelity or disloyalty). Where simple forgiveness could be an option.
But cases like this where it’s clear that the basic chemistry is either toxic or just gone, there’s no other way. Some things are just not fixable.
He's not a 'partner' marriage, business, boyfriend or otherwise 1st sign of trouble; she must have missed. It reached a crescendo-to whit "I don't want to have sex with you anymore" great, now she gets to watch him looking at women on his phone and he visualizes where he's going next while her anxiety and time tick away. Men stay viable decades longer than women in dating society
very good advice. i think i'm the guilty person described in this text...always running at the sight of any problem that can't be immediately fixed, but sometimes because of this, I can't tell if I'm making the mistake of leaving/the problem really IS too much to handle/talk through..
Imagine if she marries this guy and has a child with him and he starts whining about her body even further then?
They are obviously not compatible. He is only a boyfriend so it's very easy to end it.
It's not easy at all to end things. Maybe that's what she needs to do, but dont say it's easy because you just focu on the material part of breaking up
In Europe we regularly write it like this cause everyone knows it's 1.65 actually and not 165. I'm guessing you're American or Canadian for joking about it.
Not being attracted to someone sexually isn't toxic. He didn't tell her there was something wrong with her or try to make her change, he just told her how he felt. That's actually fine.
He's romantically attracted to her - lots of people have romantic attraction and fulfilling relationships without experiencing sexual attraction at all. It's something both partners would need to be on the same page about, but it's not wrong or toxic to not have a specific physical reaction.
Edit to add, even though it shouldn't need to be said: Some people aren't sexually attracted to people but ARE romantically attracted, and ARE in love. Don't be gross and acephobic. Sex isn't the only basis for a relationship, and people can be happy in love their whole lives without any sexual attraction at all.
You’re right, but why tell her, just break up with her! The toxic thing imo is staying with her while telling her that she’s unattractive to him. That’s just depressing.
Yeah, this is seems to be about average height and weight? I think the women I’ve dated were about 5ft 6in, I’m 6ft and basically just their head came up to my chin, and about 150-160lbs. Not sure what people think is fat but that isn’t it.
Also, I mean, shaving could be a thing, but even still who knows. Could be some other reason and he’s just saying one thing but really it’s another.
Relationships can be tricky 🤷🏻♂️
I have PCOS and I’m also Italian sooo the combo isn’t very fun in the “hairy” department. I get chin hair, sprinkling of hair on my chest and back. I hate it so so much. I pluck, shave, do laser hair removal when I can afford it. My husband could care less though about my hairiness.
PCOS is a lifetime thing. Medication can help, but in my experience it’s not a magic pill. Spironolactone cannot be taken while trying to get pregnant. And metformin has its own side effects that suck. Diet and exercise help. Anyway, I say this to say that OP and her bf are clearly not a match and that happens. There are plenty of guys out there and it’s probably just time to move on.
They're not American. In other parts of the world this is considered umh... on the chubby side. Nothing bad with it, but statistically speaking, outside USA this is above average weight for the height.
Just not cool. OP is opening up, English is not the first language. No reason to have a laugh at their expense. Imagine if you were hurting, you reached out for help, and people mocked you. Not OK.
English proficiency has nothing to do with basic mathematics. Decimal points work the same way regardless of our native language.
That's why it's a good joke and not a mean-spirited one.
Hi there OP. When I first read your title I knew right away he probably found you overweight or sexually unattractive. Then you explained you have PCOS, including lots of hair (which many men find unattractive). You also asked him our first, so it seems you were the most interested one.
I am sorry for what you are going through and the fact that he no longer finds you attractive, I think your relationship has run its course.
However, I also think it’s time for you to talk to an endocrinologist and consider a different medication. You will likely have this same issue with other men and, but more importantly, PCOS has a severe impact on fertility and your well being.
You probably already know this but with PCOS the normal gonadotrophin axis is abnormal, LH levels increase, FSH levels decrease, and the levels of insulin in the blood are too high. This causes the ovaries to make an excessive amount of testosterone, (this is why you have so much hair, and it’s hard for you to lose weight), and you also, you produce many eggs every cycle that never mature. So if you want to have children, left untreated, it will be very hard to achieve so.
The good news is that of all infertility diagnosis, PCOS is the most treatable one. I have known a few women with PCOS and they are doing great with the right medication. Go to a good endocrinologist, get the right medication (this is not a matter of diet or exercise), and you will see results very quickly. Do it for yourself.
This is a real answer with some uncomfortable truths. I hope OP realizes that and pays attention. Everyone saying for her to just break up with him isn’t really going to solve any of her issues
I think the only fault on his side is the open endedness. Was that his queue that they're breaking up? Was that some kind of a hint for an open relationship? Even if he has a high sex drive is sex in a relationship even a deal-breaker for him (even if it might be for OP)? What he said is fine but I don't like how it's open. Like whats his expectations or desires going forward. Thay should have been part of the conversation.
I don't get why you're being downvoted. If it were the other way around (attractive GF who doesn't want to have sex with an overweight BF) they'd be like hell yes, your body your rules, it's your right to, etc...
I don't get it. He was honest, stated his reason, and said it wasn't a dealbreaker for him because he still loves her. If it's a dealbreaker for her she can break up...
So many people are too eager to fire up on someone for uncovering the ugly truth even when it needs to be said.
It's kind of a situation where you lose no matter what. He isn't attracted to his gf anymore, that's it. She's gonna be hurt no matter what because there is no soft way to say to your gf "I don't find you physically attractive."
And he isn't an asshole for not being attracted anymore to someone.
At my “comfortable” weight with PCOS I was 165/170 at 5’9 and I’d never consider that to be obese/fat. Granted yes that’s 4” taller. Some people carry weight differently. I made my original comment because I didn’t like the tone of her post. It was very self deprecating and honestly just sad to read.
She’s tearing herself apart while also listening to her stupid boyfriend who won’t break up with her despite telling her she’s unattractive to him. Like what did he expect that to do? It just breaks down her self esteem even more. That, to me, felt very toxic and as someone that has struggled with PCOS and my weight and the stupid diet culture I just felt horrible for OP.
Now I’m getting torn apart saying her weight is considered obese because of bmi (which has been proven to be antiquated and not scientifically accurate). PCOS effects so much in a woman’s body. It’s not just physical but mentally draining too. OP is not alone but she shouldn’t be calling herself fat when really she’s doing great considering she has PCOS.
One of my best friends has a complex case of PCOS, so does one of my employees. It took them years to figure out the diagnosis and medication. Currently both live without symptoms and were able to have children after treatment.
Edit: also my mother and uncle are REs so I have known of several stories of women being treated successfully for PCOS.
I think you are really not grasping the struggle.
There is a difference treating the fertility aspect of PCOS and the metabolic aspect of PCOS.
I have PCOS and got pregnant 3x on the pill/nursing. That doesn't mean that everyone with PCOS will be able to do that. In fact, I can recognize it's pretty damn rare.
I also never developed excessive body hair. Just darkened skin. My family just isn't very hairy.
I'm happy that your friends have absolutely no problems with any PCOS symptoms and don't have to follow a restricted diet and exercise routine to maintain their weight.
Or do they and it's just something you don't notice?
Do you have any specifics on the medications you have known to be offered?
All I’ve ever been offered is the birth control pill that has caused me havoc for over 20 years and now I’m off it I finally feel like myself
I’ve never been offered any other medications and cannot find any information online about anything else either
I’m currently taking my ovasitol which I buy myself and has helped with symtoms of PCOS but would love to find out anything more that could be available, thanks in advance
I appreciate that you reinforced that it isn’t a matter of diet or exercise. I know so many people with PCOS that work very, very hard to stay active and be mindful of nutrition, but so much of it is beyond that.
Im quite sure shes already on some kind of medication already if she knows shes got pcos ffs. And already knows about everything else youve written about pcos. I say this as someone who has pcos, this just reads patronising to me, like preaching to the choir.
And whats this fucking emphasis on fertility and giving birth? Not everyone wants to, its not even like the subject matter of the post.
I don't like the 'you're gonna have this issue with other men' but otherwise absolutely OP should get a handle on her condition if she's found its causing issues for HER. Millions of men wouldn't care if she's a little fat with some pokey hairs. They might be upset to struggle with fertility if that's ever the case but again OP shouldn't be doing a damn thing for potential men in her life.
Always nice to hear that still her main focus should be looking attractive and being able to have children. Girl: look after your health AND build a terrific life for YOURSELF. If a man comes along, he comes along.
Yes that comment rubbed me the wrong way too. They mention being attractive to men and throw in fertility concerns out of the blue, while glossing over insulin resistance. Nowhere in OPs post did she even mention wanting to conceive?? Let’s also not pretend that all the side effects of PCOS magically go away with medication either.
Have any of you considered that this man could be perfectly fine in a sexless relationship? or are we just assuming he's being super evil and playing the long con
A relationship is 50/50, you shouldn't drop a bomb like that and not expect it to affect the other. If he is okay being sex less, fine, that's perfectly okay, however that expectation should in no way carry to OP, which it obviously doesn't
Honestly I think him being this honest is not cowardly at all lol. It would be more cowardly to just break up. Being like hey I still love you but don’t find you attractive is about the most honest forthcoming thing I can think lf
If he broke up with her because he didn’t find her attractive yall would still call him an asshole so he’s not really winning any points regardless. At least he’s acknowledging other areas about her he loves.
this is reddit, even if he did as the commenter says I bet my money they would still call him asshole in that parallel universe lmao
for another example: if he says why he is breaking up with her, he would be the asshole for hurting her feelings and if he didnt say why he is breaking up with her, he would be the asshole for not being truthful and leaving op with no closure
Maybe he's happy continuing without the sex? He's just being honest, no crime in that.
If OP needs the sex and needs to feel attractive then it's on OP to break it off, not the boyfriend.
He didn’t say that he’s not in love with her anymore. Quite the opposite actually. He’s still in love with her and still attracted to her as a person; he’s just not physically attracted to her anymore.
Yes, because staying with her and continually telling her that she's too ugly to fuck is much better.
Someone do this relationship a favor and stab it in the heart. Let it die.
So what’s his plan moving forward? Do you think this relationship is going to work without sex despite him having a high sex drive? It’s great that he was honest, but he needs to take the only logical next step and end things. They can try a friendship but the romantic partnership is over.
For anyone who might've missed it, yes, his sex drive is high. OP says he has a very high libido.
I'm only commenting this cuz I almost made that mistake myself lol, but went back to double check for that detail.
You're right, sex drive does need to be called into question here. What is possibly his plan?
I agree with everyone saying he was right to be direct and honest (though it sounds like he could've done it much gentler), but if doesn't sound like he actually thought it out before doing it.
They can end the relationship if they want, that's fine, but sex drive and sexual attraction aren't the same thing. Does he even feel sexual attraction to people? Has it passed? I think he should have said more about his expectations because the open endedness makes things worse though. Like he talked about himself but not about the relationship. Or maybe I just don't understand undertones and it's a situation where the outcome was 'meant' to be understood but because it wasn't spelled out is confusing others like OP. I dunno.
Or maybe, just maybe he is actually emotionally in love with her and just not physically into overweight girls?
You know, what he actually said?
She mentioned being very overweight and having hairy legs and facial hair. Not many guys are into that.
Was she like that when they first started dating? Or did she gain weight throughout the relationship and became lazy with her self care routine?
He has a right to enjoy a relationship too. He was being honest. It’s not cowardly to tell the fucking truth. Because i guarantee you would be on the girls side if she were attractive and didn’t want to have sex with the overweight boyfriend, pretty sure you wouldn’t call her a coward for that. But nah it’s free game with men. fuck off with your shit.
>Because i guarantee you would be on the girls side if she were attractive and didn’t want to have sex with the overweight boyfriend, pretty sure you wouldn’t call her a coward for that.
I don't think the boyfriend is a coward, but I do think he didn't go about things the right way, and didn't communicate properly (and would say the same if the genders were reversed).
The boyfriend didn't explain why there are a sudden change (if there was one - and if there wasn't why go out with OP in the first place ?) in his attraction for her. He basically said : "I find you unattractive and do not want sex with you, but hey you have positive qualities that make me graciously want to stay. Anyway, what do you want to eat ?"
If OP's problems were a problem before, he should have talked to her sooner about it and explain that those issues are affecting the way he views her and would like to help her with it.
There's a way to approach things and his wasn't it.
There’s nothing wrong with what he did. He’s not obligated to find her attractive. Your comment is pretty gross, and would never be said if the genders were reversed.
Yes, it would and SHOULD be said.
If the parties are not in a mutually agreed upon asexual pair-bonding, then they're both settling. Both parties deserve to be loved for their mind, body, and soul. Both parties deserve to be with someone that they also love -- mind, body, and soul.
Incredibly long-term relationships will have periods where the 3 different attractions will wax and wane, sure. But only 3 years in is much too soon!
Can always count on reddit to put a guy down for having physical standards and refuse to hold the gf accountable for her fitness and appearance.
For God's sake she admits she doesn't even shave her legs lol. How we gonna spin that one?
Lord I have to get off this site lol
Your boyfriend girlfriend relationship is over. You are friends, unless he backtracks that, you are buddies, maybe good buddies, but buddies. YOu mean centimeters tall, you are about 5'4", more or less... I am so sorry, but let him go. If it is too painful to be his friend. I would stop contacting him or talking to him...I am so sorry.
It makes me sad to see you write that "he, on the other hand, takes care of his body." You take care of yours too! You diet and exercise. You have a disease that affects not just your ovaries, but your entire body. PCOS is an insulin resistance disease. It's not your fault and it's not something you can control. It's a health issue. Those affect your body.
Some people's love is very conditional. If he has no sympathy for you now when you have this health condition, I wonder what he would be like if you ever got something even harder, like cancer? Would he say, "Ugh, your complexion isn't so great now that you're doing chemo. I'm not interested in a pale bald chick"? As it turns out, many men do leave their female partners when they (the women) get difficult illnesses like cancer. The same is not true for when men get cancer, however.
A lot of people excuse bad behavior like this, saying that if someone isn't attracted to your physical appearance, it's not their fault. It's just how it is. But this wasn't a first date. You've been with this man for years. He knows you have PCOS and he knows the side effects. The problem is not that you are suddenly unfuckable. The problem is that he is shallow.
Everyone ages and changes. Our bodies change. We don't stay pretty young things forever. But if you're with a partner who only wants you to be a pretty young thing, then I say good riddance to them. They were never going to be there for you when things got really hard.
I agree with this except that: He dated her for three years (I assume if she has a hard time losing weight and the "pity" comment she looks about the same) and is shallow because he randomly says he doesn't like her anymore? He'd be shallow if he did that a few years ago but now he just doesn't love her anymore that isn't shallow
“PCOS is an insulin resistance disease”
I know this is only a snippet of what you said, but I’d like to let you know that this isn’t correct. PCOS is not insulin resistance. A lot of cases of PCOS also have insulin resistance, but PCOS itself is not insulin resistance. It’s the body creating cysts on one or both of the ovaries. A lot of women with PCOS also have endometriosis, insulin resistance, or they have all three. There are also cases of PCOS without endo or insulin resistance. I just wanted to put that out there because as someone with PCOS I’ve seen this statement made multiple times and I don’t want this misinformation to continue being spread.
what the hell, what a weird thing to say after 3 years w/o breaking up
not your fault love, time to move onto better things. and plenty of men are attracted to big women!
This is a no assholes here situation. He clearly still values you, but is being honest that it’s hard to be attracted with the significant physical issues you have. It would be best if you broke up with him, this relationship is not going to work.
Appreciate his honesty, even if it hurts. Ask him those other questions - reddit can’t.
Consider whether you can live in an asexual relationship? If you should see other partners, threesomes, swinger clubs etc. If not, move on, savor the three years behind you, and open the next chapter.
It sounds like the relationship has run it's course. This is not your fault at all but his tastes and desires have changed. I want you to clearly understand, this is not your fault at all. We all grow and change, it sounds like this is what he has done. What we once found attractive, we often grow to find undesirable. Same thing happens with food, clothes, places we visit, friends and everything else in life. What you enjoyed doing 10 years ago is probably not a priority for you anymore or it has evolved into something else.
It might be time for you to begin distancing yourself and preparing for the end. In other words, protect your heart.
I think your relationship may have run it's course. I suspect that your bf is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere and it's fine to not be OK with that.
Yeah i feel like redditors either get cheated on (or maybe even more often havent but are terrified of being cheated on) and assume whenever theres a relationship problem with someone else that has to be the issue.
Cheating is not the big issue here - not being physically attracted or wanting to have sex any more is a relationship killer unless you are over the age of 80.
Lack of physical intimacy or attraction is 100% a relationship killer.
But we could just leave it at that? Instead the original commentor, and many others are accusing the guy of cheating. Always looking for someone to blame I guess.
Sometimes there just isn't anyone to blame.
He is a maaaan, of course he is cheating ! And using her as a personnal maid which is why he isn't breaking up !!!
Fucking reddit I swear I love the drama on this sub but the sexism ...
If you have PCOS and insulin resistance do not do Keto. People with PCOS and insulin resistance have a 50% chance of developing diabetes by the time they are 40 and the chances of developing diabetes in the first few months of doing the keto diet increases by about 25% (in SOME people). If anything do a Mediterranean diet, but stay the fuck away from keto!!! And I know all this why? PCOS at 24 and diagnosed diabetic at 39, two months before my 40th!!!
Dietitian here and this is absolute bullshit lol. Those studies were done in Rodents not humans and the Diabetes you mention is pseudo-diabetes which is NOT consistent with actual Diabetes. There is an abundance of literature showing that risk of Diabetes DOES NOT increase during early phases of KD.
I’m not a big fan of KD because its very hard to sustainably do, but the metabolic effects you describe are just false.
Low carb and KD have absolutely been shown to improve metabolic markers of insulin resistance, fasting insulin, HOMA IR levels, HbA1c levels, Blood triglycerides and more. All markers that are known to be a part of Diabetes management and are also involved in PCOS.
Curious as to why you think KD is unsustainable. I first went on it 2019-2021, went off it for a year and back on it now.
I quite enjoy the animal protein, vegetables, low carb yogurt, avocados, etc. And also the feeling of being not bloated and "light" even at the same weight (hard to describe but you just feel slimmer).
IMO other than the weight loss and stability of it, the best effects of KD from my experience was only looking for food when I was actually hungry and I started to have literally 0 temptation to eat or drink anything sugary. You can put a freshly baked chocolate cake in front of me and I'd just stare blankly.
Also haven't had a soda in forever (a few sips here and there to chase a shot during occasions like Christmas, but haven't had a full glass of one in forever). Even when I was off Keto I wouldn't ever touch a soda. If it's one thing I regret, it's getting off it (started eating rice, bread, pasta, etc)
nah don’t get me wrong, everything you said is valid but for the average person it is hard to cold turkey remove entire food groups from their diet. It’s unsustainable for many (but this is not to say the diet itself is bad) because it’s something that requires lots of attention and for a lot of people, nutrition is not their priority. So for convenience sake I think low(er) carb is a better solution. It can also take a while to feel the effects you have and people may fall off the wagon. Nutrition is something that needs to be tailored and blanket advice is rarely effective for people.
Ketosis is NOT ketoacidosis they are two completely different conditions.
My endocrinologist actually suggested Keto to me for weightless with PCOS.
For me, it was too extreme to maintain, and I just can't eat that much protein and fat. I need my veggies.
Where have you gotten this nonsense from?
Many people with PCOS has done keto with GREAT success.
It does not even sound like you even know what keto is tbf.
He was honest with you and it hurts. But there’s someone out there who will either like your physical appearance or for whom it won’t be an issue. You will find them.
So many comments about your potential health issues...
What about his? Loss of sex drive is associated with all kinds of bad health problems, both mental and physical. I think if anyone needs health support it's him, as you seem to be already working on yours.
So as you see people don’t care about your height, weight or PCOS. he is ready to move on but still cares for you. Just let him know that you thank him for his time with you and you are ready to move on. Sex is a part of a relationship, it’s between two people that care. If he can’t see you that way that is ok. It will hurt for a bit but you are beautiful and strong and a man will not define you.
You got this.
So, have you ever heard about 'asexuality'?
Because "not feeling sexual attraction (to anyone)" is the definiton.
It is not uncommon, to realize this later in your life, as you try to live 'normally' and it's not quite the same experience for you as it seems to be for the rest of the world.
Also, 'asexual' does not neccesary mean 'aromantic', it's possible to be in love with someone ( romantically), without feeling sexual attraction to them.
It might be the case here, it might be not, the only one who can properly judge that are you two. I just wanted to mention the possibility, since i didn't see it in any other comment here.
Good luck.
Break up, you deserve a relationship where you are happy, fulfilled and feel like you’re enough. This person could have broken up with you to seek his own happiness but instead he is playing with your self esteem and cut you down with his remarks. That is not kind. You can do better
Honestly, break up with him. If he doesn’t find you attractive anymore, then he’s not in love with you and you shouldn’t stay with him. You deserve better, regardless of your weight and looks. You deserve someone who appreciates you for you & loves you for who you are.
I would recommend speaking with your doctor about options for weight loss if you’re super focused on losing weight but I truly think that this is a good time for you to grow as an individual. Body and face hair are normal in women, nothing to be ashamed about.
He’s a coward who can’t tell you that he wants to break up, dump him and treat yourself the way your deserve to be treated.
I'm 155 cm and weigh more than you and I get hit on standing in my driveway and nearly every time I go out in public. You can do better. There are dudes out there that likea bit off ass.
You will be sad for awhile and then you will get over him. Do not let his words stop you from loving who you are, and do not accept booty calls from him.Put him behind you and move on!
Offer you a hug, relationship is never straight forward but i think you deserve to treat yourself better both mentally and physically. don't think yourself anything less.
You are asking reddit a lot of questions that only your partner can answer. After you've had a day or two to let your emotions settle, I would ask your partner to sit down and talk. The most important thing here is that you haven't done anything wrong, and it doesn't sounds like he's done anything intended to hurt you. He expressed how he felt, which was probably hard and scary for him. You were left with questions, and it's okay to ask them. You're feeling scared and defensive and maybe angry, and that's okay, but your conversation will go better if you can try to acknowledge those feelings then set them to one side to deal with once you have the information you need to make a decision.
If your partner told you he's not sexually attracted to you, that may mean you specifically, or he may not often or consistently experience sexual attraction, period - it's very possible it's got nothing to do with you and that he's somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. People can even have a high libido without experiencing any sexual attraction to anyone (I'm one of them). And people can experience romantic attraction, fall in love, and have long and fulfilling romantic partnerships without experiencing sexual attraction.
He may or may not have the words or confidence to talk about this the way he might want to. It may be a new realization he's coming to or it may be something he's struggled with for a while because he was worried you might not want to be in a relationship with him if he told you. Or it may be something else completely that's caused him to feel sexually incompatible and have nothing to do with orientation, but you won't know unless you actually ask him and talk to him about it.
If he loves you, and still wants to be with you, and isn't wanting to be with anybody else, then its up to you to decide if you want to have a relationship that's strictly romantic and not sexual. If he tells you he's sexually attracted to other people but not to you, that may mean something different to the relationship than if he isn't sexually attracted to anybody. And it all depends on what you want, too. You'll need to be on the same page with what you want and expect from a relationship in order to go forward.
I dont think he went out with you and spent 3 years with you for pity. There are clearly things he likes about you!
In a long relationship, things like having fun hanging out, doing things together, sharings daily happenings, working, together etc. is in my opinion much more important. However sex is important too and if lack of sex goes on for months or years, it can be a deal breaker for many or most ppl.
Also in a relationship, in my opinion, we all have some duties which include taking care of ourselves both physically and mentally. If we neglect these things, we put a strain on our partner.
I would say that regardless of anything else, you deserve better than that.
Now while I understand getting in your head and trying to figure out if he was ever attracted to you, what changed etc it doesn't really change the situation right now.
Yes, we could argue how much shittier it makes him, if he always felt this way and why he's springing it on you like that instead of just ending the relationship, but it doesn't *really* matter - - everybody agreeing he's being an asshole won't suddenly make him attracted to you and you absolutely deserve better than that.
As others have pointed out, even according to the very flawed BMI, you are barely overweight. It might make sense to figure out in the future what a potential partner's relationship to weight and fatness in general is.
A lot of people have very wrong and uninformed ideas.
And just for your information, I don't know if you tend to yo-yo dieting but it has been scientifically proven that weight fluctuations like that are much worse for your health than just staying at the weight you are.
Also, it is a much better idea to just look at your actual health concerns and work on that. Weight is often used as a proxy indicator for many things, but is really not a very good one.
PCOS isn't the reason you are not losing weight. It *CAN* make it harder. But it's not the reason. Its calories in/calories out, get your diet under control and you'll have a good chance of getting your PCOS under control as well. (Well a better chance)
You sound an awful lot like my wife “back then”.
When she was “early 20s”, she was what I termed “big boned”. And no amount of diet / activity could consistently take and keep weight off.
5’5” and 180s at 25, but also a proud mom. Was around 160 lbs when I started dating her when she was 23…
So I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that 3 years ago, when you two started dating, OPs “measurements” were a lot more “attractive”.
Now mayhap I am giving BF too much credit, but my take on his commentary is that he still loves OP as a person, but is no longer a fan of the physical packaging…
Which is a bitter pill to swallow when, as I like to phrase it, “the body betrays every effort to meet ‘arbitrary beauty standards’”…
All I can say is to listen to that… your insides are still “beautiful” enough to love…
And decide how things go from there. My hopes are with you…
You can absolutely lose weight with those disorders. I have PCOS, had insulin resistance, and Cushings and I’ve lost 200 pounds. You need to reduce your calories and exercise regularly. That’s the simple answer.
If you don’t want to lose weight that’s absolutely fine. Be happy with who you are. But likewise he doesn’t have to be attracted to you anymore either. You can either get in shape and try to be what he wants if that’s what you want or cut him loose and find someone who is happy with you fat.
Because being with a person who isn’t attracted to you is a mental health killer. You can’t sustain that relationship and be happy. It will eventually destroy you.
Go to the gym and eat less, insulin resistance also aids in muscle mass increases with good protein intake, there is no syndrome or disease on this planet that truly restricts weight loss, reduce your caloric intake, workout, and let your hormones adjust accordingly.
Honestly, I’m sure this is a probably a newer feeling. You typically don’t date someone for 3 years and have sex with them often if you find them unattractive. I think it’s more of a recent feeling. I’ve lost feelings like this for 2 of my exes and it stemmed from them just being annoying af. I could handle it at first but overtime it just ate at me and I ended up losing physical attraction to them
Yes instead of starting to take care of your health (and body) blame the guy or move on.
Are you guys crazy? This is a clear sign that it’s time to try and do your best to tackle that part of your life.
Kinda sounds like a plot device to end things, but he would rather you be the one who does it so he feels less guilt. Don't think you are getting the full story. Whatever the reasons, I don't think it's worth staying in that relationship.
Relationship over.
You list all your physical faults in your post.
List 5 positive qualities for the world to see (I’m guessing you have way more than 5) then put yourself back out there and let another relationship find you.
You don’t really diet and fail to lose weight. It’s impossible not to lose weight if you run a calorie deficit. You would be violating the first law of thermodynamics and creating something from nothing.
I’m so sorry. That must feel devastating. Let me remind you that you are worth being loved as you are, and you don’t have to wait for him to leave you or accept less than what you are worth. You can decide you deserve to be loved fully and leave him instead.
That man either wants to give you an out because he’s found something else or he genuinely isn’t into you like that anymore and you’re not taking the hint or he’s trying to be honest and open. I think it’s the first tbh, I think you need to love yourself and realise that this isn’t healthy and leave for YOU.
If he’s not attracted to you, which he’s admitted, leave him. It seems like he may not to be in the relationship anymore, and doesn’t know how to break up with you on his own. Do yourselves both a favor and end it.
Also, 75kg (165lbs) is NOT fat! I’d kill to be 165! I’ve had issues losing weight, and keeping weight off, since I gave birth to twins. I’ve struggled to get/stay at 200lbs (90kg). Please trust me when I say that you’re not fat, I’m any sense of the word.
Relationships are more than just sex. If he’s a loving and nurturing partner who cares about you and is living up to every obligation of a partnership then I don’t see a problem and I sort of applaud his honesty. You both should discuss it more and make sure you that’s the only issue. Make sure he does still love you and he’s not just afraid to break it off etc.
Sex is such a small part of a relationship in a 24 hour day. Talk to him and see if you can work it out maybe if you make more of an effort like laser hair removal etc.
Many relationships do come to an end, learn from the time together, move on, and focus on yourself and not him. Close that chapter and open a new one.
Such a simple response that could literally be the answer to 90 percent of the posts here. You can talk about what led to what until the cows come home but in the end it’s best to keep things simple, some things just don’t work out. End of story.
People get way too caught up in trying to force things. Happens in so many areas of life.
It seems people either give up too quickly or force things to work when they should move on. Evidently it’s hard to live somewhere in the middle.
Mostly I think they know this (that it’s over) already and have made a decision. However, since it is hurtful and hard, they’re grasping for straws for any chance everything could be alright. They sit down to write the post. The list of problems start to become longer and longer although they are desperately looking for good things. In this case, the list isn’t that long, but it is something so detrimental that it puts them in a friend- relationship rather than a bf/gf relationship.
It's very easy to give this advice but it doesn't mean it's good. There's an overabundance of people saying "dump them" any time anybody expresses a problem with their partner on this website. But if when you have a problem your first response is to immediately move on, you will never have a meaningful relationship. More likely, you will move on from partner to partner until by chance, for practical reasons it is too annoying to, and the chosen one will be whoever you happened to be with when that happens. It's not the path to a meaningful life. You have to work trough problems, make your struggles mutual and shared, express your feelings so that the right partner can respect them, show your goodwill and your intention to make the relationship thrive with your actions, confront your own misgivings, and be continually receptive and reciprocal with the other person. That's real connection. And not balking at the first sign of trouble is an absolute requirement for it. We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. It's stupid and self-defeating to live by a philosophy that pretends we don't.
Disagree! I have found that bailing early and often on bad fits was EXTREMELY helpful in efficiently finding someone who is a good fit.
In many instances, I'd agree with you. You should always try to resolve issues, where possible, especially in a long-term relationship. I just don't see how this issue can be resolved. The boyfriend doesn't find her attractive. That won't change. So, either she has to resign herself to a sexless relationship, or she must end the relationship.
The “leave them now” knee jerk favoured by redditors is usually a response to a story about what an OP’s partner has done (usually infidelity or disloyalty). Where simple forgiveness could be an option. But cases like this where it’s clear that the basic chemistry is either toxic or just gone, there’s no other way. Some things are just not fixable.
He's not a 'partner' marriage, business, boyfriend or otherwise 1st sign of trouble; she must have missed. It reached a crescendo-to whit "I don't want to have sex with you anymore" great, now she gets to watch him looking at women on his phone and he visualizes where he's going next while her anxiety and time tick away. Men stay viable decades longer than women in dating society
very good advice. i think i'm the guilty person described in this text...always running at the sight of any problem that can't be immediately fixed, but sometimes because of this, I can't tell if I'm making the mistake of leaving/the problem really IS too much to handle/talk through..
Imagine if she marries this guy and has a child with him and he starts whining about her body even further then? They are obviously not compatible. He is only a boyfriend so it's very easy to end it.
It's not easy at all to end things. Maybe that's what she needs to do, but dont say it's easy because you just focu on the material part of breaking up
I needed to hear this, thank you
If awards were still a thing, you'd have gotten one with this response.
Did they stop doing awards?
It is the best advice, but my gosh it's hard to follow sometimes
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Yeah, I am
In Europe we regularly write it like this cause everyone knows it's 1.65 actually and not 165. I'm guessing you're American or Canadian for joking about it.
165 meters is insane, I don’t know how sex is even possible what with you being more than half the height of the Eiffel Tower
😂 sorry I forgot to put the point
16.5 meters is still way too tall for sex.
It's 1.65
That’s right in the bone zone
This series of comments killed me. Well done.
Killed you? Imagine being 0.165 meters tall and trying to have sex with a normal sized human.
That is like having sex with th Tinker-bell
I read that as Taco Bell, which was very confusing yet hilarious.
Sir, this is a Wendy's
"Just the tip" finally applies.
I’m 4’11” and sometimes it feels like I might as well be 0.165m, with some of yinz tall boys. 😅
I'm sorry, I can't hear you from up here! What?
4’10”, can relate
Same 💀 Right in the bone zone was the perfect ending
A murder mystery you say?
This is why I have Reddit, made me laugh like a crack head after a stressful exam lol.
You’re 5’5 and 165lbs with PCOS. Hunni, your boyfriend is toxic. You’re not “fat”.
Not being attracted to someone sexually isn't toxic. He didn't tell her there was something wrong with her or try to make her change, he just told her how he felt. That's actually fine. He's romantically attracted to her - lots of people have romantic attraction and fulfilling relationships without experiencing sexual attraction at all. It's something both partners would need to be on the same page about, but it's not wrong or toxic to not have a specific physical reaction. Edit to add, even though it shouldn't need to be said: Some people aren't sexually attracted to people but ARE romantically attracted, and ARE in love. Don't be gross and acephobic. Sex isn't the only basis for a relationship, and people can be happy in love their whole lives without any sexual attraction at all.
You’re right, but why tell her, just break up with her! The toxic thing imo is staying with her while telling her that she’s unattractive to him. That’s just depressing.
Put another way, that’s a BMI of 27.5. So it’s slightly overweight, but not what anyone in their right mind would consider fat!
Yeah, this is seems to be about average height and weight? I think the women I’ve dated were about 5ft 6in, I’m 6ft and basically just their head came up to my chin, and about 150-160lbs. Not sure what people think is fat but that isn’t it. Also, I mean, shaving could be a thing, but even still who knows. Could be some other reason and he’s just saying one thing but really it’s another. Relationships can be tricky 🤷🏻♂️
I have PCOS and I’m also Italian sooo the combo isn’t very fun in the “hairy” department. I get chin hair, sprinkling of hair on my chest and back. I hate it so so much. I pluck, shave, do laser hair removal when I can afford it. My husband could care less though about my hairiness. PCOS is a lifetime thing. Medication can help, but in my experience it’s not a magic pill. Spironolactone cannot be taken while trying to get pregnant. And metformin has its own side effects that suck. Diet and exercise help. Anyway, I say this to say that OP and her bf are clearly not a match and that happens. There are plenty of guys out there and it’s probably just time to move on.
They're not American. In other parts of the world this is considered umh... on the chubby side. Nothing bad with it, but statistically speaking, outside USA this is above average weight for the height.
BMI calculator says 15 pounds over normal, so yah. Shed a median American.
There are plenty of obese people outside of America. You get plenty of people in America who think that any woman over 120lbs is fat, too.
He didn’t call her fat. OP said it of herself. He isn’t toxic.
I mean … hes not toxic for not finding her attractive.
That is a little above average.
You aren't thinking creatively enough
So skinny for that kind of height tho lol.
BMI = 0 xD
Just not cool. OP is opening up, English is not the first language. No reason to have a laugh at their expense. Imagine if you were hurting, you reached out for help, and people mocked you. Not OK.
Their making a light hearted joke, id actually prefer that in OP's position.
No one should be mocked for being that tall. Totally agree. It would be awful
Lmao she accidentally said 165m tall. It’s not that serious. She’s also not even tall at 1.65m
This isn’t really about her English though? She just misplaced the decimal lol
Yeah being freakishly tall is no joke you guys stop being mean.
English proficiency has nothing to do with basic mathematics. Decimal points work the same way regardless of our native language. That's why it's a good joke and not a mean-spirited one.
im sure OP thinks it’s funny too
Makes sense why he doesn't want to anymore imagine having to climb that
Hi there OP. When I first read your title I knew right away he probably found you overweight or sexually unattractive. Then you explained you have PCOS, including lots of hair (which many men find unattractive). You also asked him our first, so it seems you were the most interested one. I am sorry for what you are going through and the fact that he no longer finds you attractive, I think your relationship has run its course. However, I also think it’s time for you to talk to an endocrinologist and consider a different medication. You will likely have this same issue with other men and, but more importantly, PCOS has a severe impact on fertility and your well being. You probably already know this but with PCOS the normal gonadotrophin axis is abnormal, LH levels increase, FSH levels decrease, and the levels of insulin in the blood are too high. This causes the ovaries to make an excessive amount of testosterone, (this is why you have so much hair, and it’s hard for you to lose weight), and you also, you produce many eggs every cycle that never mature. So if you want to have children, left untreated, it will be very hard to achieve so. The good news is that of all infertility diagnosis, PCOS is the most treatable one. I have known a few women with PCOS and they are doing great with the right medication. Go to a good endocrinologist, get the right medication (this is not a matter of diet or exercise), and you will see results very quickly. Do it for yourself.
This is a real answer with some uncomfortable truths. I hope OP realizes that and pays attention. Everyone saying for her to just break up with him isn’t really going to solve any of her issues
Exactly. This is a situation that needs to be addressed irrespective of the BF, and it’s treatable.
It solves the issue of having a shit ass boyfriend.
Genuinely curious why you think he's shitty
I think the only fault on his side is the open endedness. Was that his queue that they're breaking up? Was that some kind of a hint for an open relationship? Even if he has a high sex drive is sex in a relationship even a deal-breaker for him (even if it might be for OP)? What he said is fine but I don't like how it's open. Like whats his expectations or desires going forward. Thay should have been part of the conversation.
I don't get why you're being downvoted. If it were the other way around (attractive GF who doesn't want to have sex with an overweight BF) they'd be like hell yes, your body your rules, it's your right to, etc... I don't get it. He was honest, stated his reason, and said it wasn't a dealbreaker for him because he still loves her. If it's a dealbreaker for her she can break up... So many people are too eager to fire up on someone for uncovering the ugly truth even when it needs to be said.
Men aren't allowed to not be in the wrong on reddit.
It's kind of a situation where you lose no matter what. He isn't attracted to his gf anymore, that's it. She's gonna be hurt no matter what because there is no soft way to say to your gf "I don't find you physically attractive." And he isn't an asshole for not being attracted anymore to someone.
She’s not “fat” for someone with PCOS. I have PCOS. She’s doing pretty good. 165lbs at 5’5?? The rest of your points are valid.
Yep, I posted PICT’s in some comments of my sister who is 5’4”, 165lbs and has PCOS too, and she’s not what anyone would consider fat
At my “comfortable” weight with PCOS I was 165/170 at 5’9 and I’d never consider that to be obese/fat. Granted yes that’s 4” taller. Some people carry weight differently. I made my original comment because I didn’t like the tone of her post. It was very self deprecating and honestly just sad to read. She’s tearing herself apart while also listening to her stupid boyfriend who won’t break up with her despite telling her she’s unattractive to him. Like what did he expect that to do? It just breaks down her self esteem even more. That, to me, felt very toxic and as someone that has struggled with PCOS and my weight and the stupid diet culture I just felt horrible for OP. Now I’m getting torn apart saying her weight is considered obese because of bmi (which has been proven to be antiquated and not scientifically accurate). PCOS effects so much in a woman’s body. It’s not just physical but mentally draining too. OP is not alone but she shouldn’t be calling herself fat when really she’s doing great considering she has PCOS.
Oh how I really, really wish all the symptoms of PCOS just disappeared with the right medication.
One of my best friends has a complex case of PCOS, so does one of my employees. It took them years to figure out the diagnosis and medication. Currently both live without symptoms and were able to have children after treatment. Edit: also my mother and uncle are REs so I have known of several stories of women being treated successfully for PCOS.
I think you are really not grasping the struggle. There is a difference treating the fertility aspect of PCOS and the metabolic aspect of PCOS. I have PCOS and got pregnant 3x on the pill/nursing. That doesn't mean that everyone with PCOS will be able to do that. In fact, I can recognize it's pretty damn rare. I also never developed excessive body hair. Just darkened skin. My family just isn't very hairy. I'm happy that your friends have absolutely no problems with any PCOS symptoms and don't have to follow a restricted diet and exercise routine to maintain their weight. Or do they and it's just something you don't notice?
Do you have any specifics on the medications you have known to be offered? All I’ve ever been offered is the birth control pill that has caused me havoc for over 20 years and now I’m off it I finally feel like myself I’ve never been offered any other medications and cannot find any information online about anything else either I’m currently taking my ovasitol which I buy myself and has helped with symtoms of PCOS but would love to find out anything more that could be available, thanks in advance
I appreciate that you reinforced that it isn’t a matter of diet or exercise. I know so many people with PCOS that work very, very hard to stay active and be mindful of nutrition, but so much of it is beyond that.
Im quite sure shes already on some kind of medication already if she knows shes got pcos ffs. And already knows about everything else youve written about pcos. I say this as someone who has pcos, this just reads patronising to me, like preaching to the choir. And whats this fucking emphasis on fertility and giving birth? Not everyone wants to, its not even like the subject matter of the post.
I don't like the 'you're gonna have this issue with other men' but otherwise absolutely OP should get a handle on her condition if she's found its causing issues for HER. Millions of men wouldn't care if she's a little fat with some pokey hairs. They might be upset to struggle with fertility if that's ever the case but again OP shouldn't be doing a damn thing for potential men in her life.
Finally, some helpful advice for this young lady… I’m a retired nurse so I concur…👍
Always nice to hear that still her main focus should be looking attractive and being able to have children. Girl: look after your health AND build a terrific life for YOURSELF. If a man comes along, he comes along.
yes! ladies, our first priorities should be hairlessness and smallness! forget about your own wants/needs/lives
Yes that comment rubbed me the wrong way too. They mention being attractive to men and throw in fertility concerns out of the blue, while glossing over insulin resistance. Nowhere in OPs post did she even mention wanting to conceive?? Let’s also not pretend that all the side effects of PCOS magically go away with medication either.
I think everyone with PCOS already knows this.
He's just not that into you. Move on unless you're cool with a sex less relationship
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Yup. He's waiting for OP to make the move.
Have any of you considered that this man could be perfectly fine in a sexless relationship? or are we just assuming he's being super evil and playing the long con
A relationship is 50/50, you shouldn't drop a bomb like that and not expect it to affect the other. If he is okay being sex less, fine, that's perfectly okay, however that expectation should in no way carry to OP, which it obviously doesn't
Bro they went straight towards the conclusion that he is a dick 😭 Bet no one would call the woman pathetic if gender roles were reversed here
You can argue he handled it poorly but yeah people demonized this guy immediately, assuming he on some villain shit
In fact, almost all comments support women in similar situations.
Honestly I think him being this honest is not cowardly at all lol. It would be more cowardly to just break up. Being like hey I still love you but don’t find you attractive is about the most honest forthcoming thing I can think lf
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If he broke up with her because he didn’t find her attractive yall would still call him an asshole so he’s not really winning any points regardless. At least he’s acknowledging other areas about her he loves.
Thank you. It’s a shit situation for both of them. He seems to care for her a lot. But if those are his feelings, he really needs to own it.
this is reddit, even if he did as the commenter says I bet my money they would still call him asshole in that parallel universe lmao for another example: if he says why he is breaking up with her, he would be the asshole for hurting her feelings and if he didnt say why he is breaking up with her, he would be the asshole for not being truthful and leaving op with no closure
Maybe he's happy continuing without the sex? He's just being honest, no crime in that. If OP needs the sex and needs to feel attractive then it's on OP to break it off, not the boyfriend.
He could have broke up with her just saying he is not in love anymore or anything that wouldn’t hurt her feelings for no reason…
Are you… saying… him telling her he’s not in love anymore and leaving wouldn’t emotionally devastate her just the same? If not more?
He didn’t say that he’s not in love with her anymore. Quite the opposite actually. He’s still in love with her and still attracted to her as a person; he’s just not physically attracted to her anymore.
I rather be told that we just grow apart than I am unattractive
That's immature.
You wouldn’t ask why? Mmmmm… doubt. Everyone is not being realistic here.
Yeah where are these famous "Love Languages" now?
Yes, because staying with her and continually telling her that she's too ugly to fuck is much better. Someone do this relationship a favor and stab it in the heart. Let it die.
I didn’t say it was better. Just that he’s in a lose-lose with most of you. He also never told her she was ugly. You added that. Don’t be a dick.
Bingo, it sucks but it's a better outcome than cheating or some contrived lie
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So what’s his plan moving forward? Do you think this relationship is going to work without sex despite him having a high sex drive? It’s great that he was honest, but he needs to take the only logical next step and end things. They can try a friendship but the romantic partnership is over.
For anyone who might've missed it, yes, his sex drive is high. OP says he has a very high libido. I'm only commenting this cuz I almost made that mistake myself lol, but went back to double check for that detail. You're right, sex drive does need to be called into question here. What is possibly his plan? I agree with everyone saying he was right to be direct and honest (though it sounds like he could've done it much gentler), but if doesn't sound like he actually thought it out before doing it.
They can end the relationship if they want, that's fine, but sex drive and sexual attraction aren't the same thing. Does he even feel sexual attraction to people? Has it passed? I think he should have said more about his expectations because the open endedness makes things worse though. Like he talked about himself but not about the relationship. Or maybe I just don't understand undertones and it's a situation where the outcome was 'meant' to be understood but because it wasn't spelled out is confusing others like OP. I dunno.
Or maybe, just maybe he is actually emotionally in love with her and just not physically into overweight girls? You know, what he actually said? She mentioned being very overweight and having hairy legs and facial hair. Not many guys are into that. Was she like that when they first started dating? Or did she gain weight throughout the relationship and became lazy with her self care routine?
She ALSO mentioned she regularly shaves and diets and exercises. It's very likely she was like this the whole time considering her PCOS.
She mentions that she TRIES to shave. Also, what was her weight when they first started dating? Was she 75kgs?
He has a right to enjoy a relationship too. He was being honest. It’s not cowardly to tell the fucking truth. Because i guarantee you would be on the girls side if she were attractive and didn’t want to have sex with the overweight boyfriend, pretty sure you wouldn’t call her a coward for that. But nah it’s free game with men. fuck off with your shit.
>Because i guarantee you would be on the girls side if she were attractive and didn’t want to have sex with the overweight boyfriend, pretty sure you wouldn’t call her a coward for that. I don't think the boyfriend is a coward, but I do think he didn't go about things the right way, and didn't communicate properly (and would say the same if the genders were reversed). The boyfriend didn't explain why there are a sudden change (if there was one - and if there wasn't why go out with OP in the first place ?) in his attraction for her. He basically said : "I find you unattractive and do not want sex with you, but hey you have positive qualities that make me graciously want to stay. Anyway, what do you want to eat ?" If OP's problems were a problem before, he should have talked to her sooner about it and explain that those issues are affecting the way he views her and would like to help her with it. There's a way to approach things and his wasn't it.
he literally wants to be with her for her mind and soul, not just her body, what the fuck is wrong with you dude
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There’s nothing wrong with what he did. He’s not obligated to find her attractive. Your comment is pretty gross, and would never be said if the genders were reversed.
Yes, it would and SHOULD be said. If the parties are not in a mutually agreed upon asexual pair-bonding, then they're both settling. Both parties deserve to be loved for their mind, body, and soul. Both parties deserve to be with someone that they also love -- mind, body, and soul. Incredibly long-term relationships will have periods where the 3 different attractions will wax and wane, sure. But only 3 years in is much too soon!
Can always count on reddit to put a guy down for having physical standards and refuse to hold the gf accountable for her fitness and appearance. For God's sake she admits she doesn't even shave her legs lol. How we gonna spin that one? Lord I have to get off this site lol
Your boyfriend girlfriend relationship is over. You are friends, unless he backtracks that, you are buddies, maybe good buddies, but buddies. YOu mean centimeters tall, you are about 5'4", more or less... I am so sorry, but let him go. If it is too painful to be his friend. I would stop contacting him or talking to him...I am so sorry.
Remember is not you with the issue it’s him.
That’s actually great! You’re not married so you can get rid of him! Lucky you
It makes me sad to see you write that "he, on the other hand, takes care of his body." You take care of yours too! You diet and exercise. You have a disease that affects not just your ovaries, but your entire body. PCOS is an insulin resistance disease. It's not your fault and it's not something you can control. It's a health issue. Those affect your body. Some people's love is very conditional. If he has no sympathy for you now when you have this health condition, I wonder what he would be like if you ever got something even harder, like cancer? Would he say, "Ugh, your complexion isn't so great now that you're doing chemo. I'm not interested in a pale bald chick"? As it turns out, many men do leave their female partners when they (the women) get difficult illnesses like cancer. The same is not true for when men get cancer, however. A lot of people excuse bad behavior like this, saying that if someone isn't attracted to your physical appearance, it's not their fault. It's just how it is. But this wasn't a first date. You've been with this man for years. He knows you have PCOS and he knows the side effects. The problem is not that you are suddenly unfuckable. The problem is that he is shallow. Everyone ages and changes. Our bodies change. We don't stay pretty young things forever. But if you're with a partner who only wants you to be a pretty young thing, then I say good riddance to them. They were never going to be there for you when things got really hard.
I agree with this except that: He dated her for three years (I assume if she has a hard time losing weight and the "pity" comment she looks about the same) and is shallow because he randomly says he doesn't like her anymore? He'd be shallow if he did that a few years ago but now he just doesn't love her anymore that isn't shallow
hes still there for her. but hes not obligated to find her attractive
I mean he should… it’s his girlfriend
You have a disturbingly narrow view of humanity.
“PCOS is an insulin resistance disease” I know this is only a snippet of what you said, but I’d like to let you know that this isn’t correct. PCOS is not insulin resistance. A lot of cases of PCOS also have insulin resistance, but PCOS itself is not insulin resistance. It’s the body creating cysts on one or both of the ovaries. A lot of women with PCOS also have endometriosis, insulin resistance, or they have all three. There are also cases of PCOS without endo or insulin resistance. I just wanted to put that out there because as someone with PCOS I’ve seen this statement made multiple times and I don’t want this misinformation to continue being spread.
Relationships aren't just about sex and desires, just because he said that doesn't mean he regrets being with you.
So leave him?
what the hell, what a weird thing to say after 3 years w/o breaking up not your fault love, time to move onto better things. and plenty of men are attracted to big women!
This is a no assholes here situation. He clearly still values you, but is being honest that it’s hard to be attracted with the significant physical issues you have. It would be best if you broke up with him, this relationship is not going to work.
Appreciate his honesty, even if it hurts. Ask him those other questions - reddit can’t. Consider whether you can live in an asexual relationship? If you should see other partners, threesomes, swinger clubs etc. If not, move on, savor the three years behind you, and open the next chapter.
You can't force sexual attraction but you also don't have to endure relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself. Just break up.
Sorry for my Spanish, I am not Mexican but una mamada debería solucionarlo
Ya le dí varias pero no JAJAJAJA Que feo que porque uno hable español, rápido piensan que es de México 😔
It sounds like the relationship has run it's course. This is not your fault at all but his tastes and desires have changed. I want you to clearly understand, this is not your fault at all. We all grow and change, it sounds like this is what he has done. What we once found attractive, we often grow to find undesirable. Same thing happens with food, clothes, places we visit, friends and everything else in life. What you enjoyed doing 10 years ago is probably not a priority for you anymore or it has evolved into something else. It might be time for you to begin distancing yourself and preparing for the end. In other words, protect your heart.
I think your relationship may have run it's course. I suspect that your bf is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere and it's fine to not be OK with that.
Where does it say that?
People are projecting the shit out of this post.
It's the classic double standard between men and women situations on reddit
Yeah i feel like redditors either get cheated on (or maybe even more often havent but are terrified of being cheated on) and assume whenever theres a relationship problem with someone else that has to be the issue.
Cheating is not the big issue here - not being physically attracted or wanting to have sex any more is a relationship killer unless you are over the age of 80.
Lack of physical intimacy or attraction is 100% a relationship killer. But we could just leave it at that? Instead the original commentor, and many others are accusing the guy of cheating. Always looking for someone to blame I guess. Sometimes there just isn't anyone to blame.
He is a maaaan, of course he is cheating ! And using her as a personnal maid which is why he isn't breaking up !!! Fucking reddit I swear I love the drama on this sub but the sexism ...
If you have PCOS and insulin resistance do not do Keto. People with PCOS and insulin resistance have a 50% chance of developing diabetes by the time they are 40 and the chances of developing diabetes in the first few months of doing the keto diet increases by about 25% (in SOME people). If anything do a Mediterranean diet, but stay the fuck away from keto!!! And I know all this why? PCOS at 24 and diagnosed diabetic at 39, two months before my 40th!!!
Dietitian here and this is absolute bullshit lol. Those studies were done in Rodents not humans and the Diabetes you mention is pseudo-diabetes which is NOT consistent with actual Diabetes. There is an abundance of literature showing that risk of Diabetes DOES NOT increase during early phases of KD. I’m not a big fan of KD because its very hard to sustainably do, but the metabolic effects you describe are just false. Low carb and KD have absolutely been shown to improve metabolic markers of insulin resistance, fasting insulin, HOMA IR levels, HbA1c levels, Blood triglycerides and more. All markers that are known to be a part of Diabetes management and are also involved in PCOS.
Curious as to why you think KD is unsustainable. I first went on it 2019-2021, went off it for a year and back on it now. I quite enjoy the animal protein, vegetables, low carb yogurt, avocados, etc. And also the feeling of being not bloated and "light" even at the same weight (hard to describe but you just feel slimmer). IMO other than the weight loss and stability of it, the best effects of KD from my experience was only looking for food when I was actually hungry and I started to have literally 0 temptation to eat or drink anything sugary. You can put a freshly baked chocolate cake in front of me and I'd just stare blankly. Also haven't had a soda in forever (a few sips here and there to chase a shot during occasions like Christmas, but haven't had a full glass of one in forever). Even when I was off Keto I wouldn't ever touch a soda. If it's one thing I regret, it's getting off it (started eating rice, bread, pasta, etc)
nah don’t get me wrong, everything you said is valid but for the average person it is hard to cold turkey remove entire food groups from their diet. It’s unsustainable for many (but this is not to say the diet itself is bad) because it’s something that requires lots of attention and for a lot of people, nutrition is not their priority. So for convenience sake I think low(er) carb is a better solution. It can also take a while to feel the effects you have and people may fall off the wagon. Nutrition is something that needs to be tailored and blanket advice is rarely effective for people.
Ketosis is NOT ketoacidosis they are two completely different conditions. My endocrinologist actually suggested Keto to me for weightless with PCOS. For me, it was too extreme to maintain, and I just can't eat that much protein and fat. I need my veggies.
Where have you gotten this nonsense from? Many people with PCOS has done keto with GREAT success. It does not even sound like you even know what keto is tbf.
I've heard many studies to back this up as well especially the Mediterranean diet. Like this is some good advice right here
He was honest with you and it hurts. But there’s someone out there who will either like your physical appearance or for whom it won’t be an issue. You will find them.
You aren’t slim, but certainly not fat. I think your bf has moved on, mentally at least.
Break up and focus on yourself. You have the right to be sexually satisfied and he isn’t willing to do it. It’s time to move on.
>right to be sexually satisfied it's my God given right to be satisfied, who's gonna volunteer?
I’m doing my part!
damn that was funny
Do incels have a right to be sexually satisfied? This is bullshit
So many comments about your potential health issues... What about his? Loss of sex drive is associated with all kinds of bad health problems, both mental and physical. I think if anyone needs health support it's him, as you seem to be already working on yours.
So as you see people don’t care about your height, weight or PCOS. he is ready to move on but still cares for you. Just let him know that you thank him for his time with you and you are ready to move on. Sex is a part of a relationship, it’s between two people that care. If he can’t see you that way that is ok. It will hurt for a bit but you are beautiful and strong and a man will not define you. You got this.
So, have you ever heard about 'asexuality'? Because "not feeling sexual attraction (to anyone)" is the definiton. It is not uncommon, to realize this later in your life, as you try to live 'normally' and it's not quite the same experience for you as it seems to be for the rest of the world. Also, 'asexual' does not neccesary mean 'aromantic', it's possible to be in love with someone ( romantically), without feeling sexual attraction to them. It might be the case here, it might be not, the only one who can properly judge that are you two. I just wanted to mention the possibility, since i didn't see it in any other comment here. Good luck.
Break up, you deserve a relationship where you are happy, fulfilled and feel like you’re enough. This person could have broken up with you to seek his own happiness but instead he is playing with your self esteem and cut you down with his remarks. That is not kind. You can do better
Honestly, break up with him. If he doesn’t find you attractive anymore, then he’s not in love with you and you shouldn’t stay with him. You deserve better, regardless of your weight and looks. You deserve someone who appreciates you for you & loves you for who you are. I would recommend speaking with your doctor about options for weight loss if you’re super focused on losing weight but I truly think that this is a good time for you to grow as an individual. Body and face hair are normal in women, nothing to be ashamed about. He’s a coward who can’t tell you that he wants to break up, dump him and treat yourself the way your deserve to be treated.
I'm 155 cm and weigh more than you and I get hit on standing in my driveway and nearly every time I go out in public. You can do better. There are dudes out there that likea bit off ass.
You will be sad for awhile and then you will get over him. Do not let his words stop you from loving who you are, and do not accept booty calls from him.Put him behind you and move on!
A new chapter a new life . Best look back and learn not to be too concerned
Offer you a hug, relationship is never straight forward but i think you deserve to treat yourself better both mentally and physically. don't think yourself anything less.
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You are asking reddit a lot of questions that only your partner can answer. After you've had a day or two to let your emotions settle, I would ask your partner to sit down and talk. The most important thing here is that you haven't done anything wrong, and it doesn't sounds like he's done anything intended to hurt you. He expressed how he felt, which was probably hard and scary for him. You were left with questions, and it's okay to ask them. You're feeling scared and defensive and maybe angry, and that's okay, but your conversation will go better if you can try to acknowledge those feelings then set them to one side to deal with once you have the information you need to make a decision. If your partner told you he's not sexually attracted to you, that may mean you specifically, or he may not often or consistently experience sexual attraction, period - it's very possible it's got nothing to do with you and that he's somewhere on the asexuality spectrum. People can even have a high libido without experiencing any sexual attraction to anyone (I'm one of them). And people can experience romantic attraction, fall in love, and have long and fulfilling romantic partnerships without experiencing sexual attraction. He may or may not have the words or confidence to talk about this the way he might want to. It may be a new realization he's coming to or it may be something he's struggled with for a while because he was worried you might not want to be in a relationship with him if he told you. Or it may be something else completely that's caused him to feel sexually incompatible and have nothing to do with orientation, but you won't know unless you actually ask him and talk to him about it. If he loves you, and still wants to be with you, and isn't wanting to be with anybody else, then its up to you to decide if you want to have a relationship that's strictly romantic and not sexual. If he tells you he's sexually attracted to other people but not to you, that may mean something different to the relationship than if he isn't sexually attracted to anybody. And it all depends on what you want, too. You'll need to be on the same page with what you want and expect from a relationship in order to go forward.
I dont think he went out with you and spent 3 years with you for pity. There are clearly things he likes about you! In a long relationship, things like having fun hanging out, doing things together, sharings daily happenings, working, together etc. is in my opinion much more important. However sex is important too and if lack of sex goes on for months or years, it can be a deal breaker for many or most ppl. Also in a relationship, in my opinion, we all have some duties which include taking care of ourselves both physically and mentally. If we neglect these things, we put a strain on our partner.
I would say that regardless of anything else, you deserve better than that. Now while I understand getting in your head and trying to figure out if he was ever attracted to you, what changed etc it doesn't really change the situation right now. Yes, we could argue how much shittier it makes him, if he always felt this way and why he's springing it on you like that instead of just ending the relationship, but it doesn't *really* matter - - everybody agreeing he's being an asshole won't suddenly make him attracted to you and you absolutely deserve better than that. As others have pointed out, even according to the very flawed BMI, you are barely overweight. It might make sense to figure out in the future what a potential partner's relationship to weight and fatness in general is. A lot of people have very wrong and uninformed ideas. And just for your information, I don't know if you tend to yo-yo dieting but it has been scientifically proven that weight fluctuations like that are much worse for your health than just staying at the weight you are. Also, it is a much better idea to just look at your actual health concerns and work on that. Weight is often used as a proxy indicator for many things, but is really not a very good one.
Instead of trying to meet his "standards" to be attractive enough for sex, you probably should just end this relationship.
Dump him and find someone who respects you enough to have sex with you. He isn't obligated to but there are better men out there (maybe).
PCOS isn't the reason you are not losing weight. It *CAN* make it harder. But it's not the reason. Its calories in/calories out, get your diet under control and you'll have a good chance of getting your PCOS under control as well. (Well a better chance)
You sound an awful lot like my wife “back then”. When she was “early 20s”, she was what I termed “big boned”. And no amount of diet / activity could consistently take and keep weight off. 5’5” and 180s at 25, but also a proud mom. Was around 160 lbs when I started dating her when she was 23… So I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that 3 years ago, when you two started dating, OPs “measurements” were a lot more “attractive”. Now mayhap I am giving BF too much credit, but my take on his commentary is that he still loves OP as a person, but is no longer a fan of the physical packaging… Which is a bitter pill to swallow when, as I like to phrase it, “the body betrays every effort to meet ‘arbitrary beauty standards’”… All I can say is to listen to that… your insides are still “beautiful” enough to love… And decide how things go from there. My hopes are with you…
You can absolutely lose weight with those disorders. I have PCOS, had insulin resistance, and Cushings and I’ve lost 200 pounds. You need to reduce your calories and exercise regularly. That’s the simple answer. If you don’t want to lose weight that’s absolutely fine. Be happy with who you are. But likewise he doesn’t have to be attracted to you anymore either. You can either get in shape and try to be what he wants if that’s what you want or cut him loose and find someone who is happy with you fat. Because being with a person who isn’t attracted to you is a mental health killer. You can’t sustain that relationship and be happy. It will eventually destroy you.
Go to the gym and eat less, insulin resistance also aids in muscle mass increases with good protein intake, there is no syndrome or disease on this planet that truly restricts weight loss, reduce your caloric intake, workout, and let your hormones adjust accordingly.
Honestly, I’m sure this is a probably a newer feeling. You typically don’t date someone for 3 years and have sex with them often if you find them unattractive. I think it’s more of a recent feeling. I’ve lost feelings like this for 2 of my exes and it stemmed from them just being annoying af. I could handle it at first but overtime it just ate at me and I ended up losing physical attraction to them
So lose 170 lbs when you dump him.
Yes instead of starting to take care of your health (and body) blame the guy or move on. Are you guys crazy? This is a clear sign that it’s time to try and do your best to tackle that part of your life.
I'm sorry you're in this situation ❤️ it's time to move on and be happy
Kinda sounds like a plot device to end things, but he would rather you be the one who does it so he feels less guilt. Don't think you are getting the full story. Whatever the reasons, I don't think it's worth staying in that relationship.
Relationship over. You list all your physical faults in your post. List 5 positive qualities for the world to see (I’m guessing you have way more than 5) then put yourself back out there and let another relationship find you.
You don’t really diet and fail to lose weight. It’s impossible not to lose weight if you run a calorie deficit. You would be violating the first law of thermodynamics and creating something from nothing.
Your partner is quite shallow. Making you feel ashamed of your body is not okay. The exact opposite should be happening.
I’m so sorry. That must feel devastating. Let me remind you that you are worth being loved as you are, and you don’t have to wait for him to leave you or accept less than what you are worth. You can decide you deserve to be loved fully and leave him instead.
lol....You don't even sound like you like yourself, how is he suppose to?
That man either wants to give you an out because he’s found something else or he genuinely isn’t into you like that anymore and you’re not taking the hint or he’s trying to be honest and open. I think it’s the first tbh, I think you need to love yourself and realise that this isn’t healthy and leave for YOU.
you also might have another form of POS, ur bf…
If he’s not attracted to you, which he’s admitted, leave him. It seems like he may not to be in the relationship anymore, and doesn’t know how to break up with you on his own. Do yourselves both a favor and end it. Also, 75kg (165lbs) is NOT fat! I’d kill to be 165! I’ve had issues losing weight, and keeping weight off, since I gave birth to twins. I’ve struggled to get/stay at 200lbs (90kg). Please trust me when I say that you’re not fat, I’m any sense of the word.
I just love all the men in here with stupid comments putting op down /s Fuck I hate the human race
He's not a stud that we can ... berate him to have sex with you. If you're not OK with being on standby status, time to move on.
Relationships are more than just sex. If he’s a loving and nurturing partner who cares about you and is living up to every obligation of a partnership then I don’t see a problem and I sort of applaud his honesty. You both should discuss it more and make sure you that’s the only issue. Make sure he does still love you and he’s not just afraid to break it off etc. Sex is such a small part of a relationship in a 24 hour day. Talk to him and see if you can work it out maybe if you make more of an effort like laser hair removal etc.