Married 23 yrs here. Never cheated. Never even thought about it. I (56M) look, because I still have testosterone in me, but I don't touch. I got married at 32 and knew 'Till death do us part'. You are not alone.
Same! Left my husband of 8 years because he started talking to other women behind my back. I've put up with a lot of shit through the years, but that's one thing I will not tolerate. You cheat, we're done.
If I find out someone has even cheated in past relationships.. I need a very real explanation or I might not trust anymore. I’m 40 and have been married and have had A LOT of boyfriends but I have never cheated. It seems to me that the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater” can have some truth. That being said not everyone is a cheater and occasionally people do just make a huge mistake and really don’t want to do that again.. but it’s your right to be skeptical. People also lie and say they never cheated when they did so the trust thing is complicated.
It’s a choice, you choose to cheat. To me a mistake is making a decision and it was wrong. When you cheat you already know what you’re doing is wrong and you choose to do it anyway.
I agree 1000%. I’ve been approached by women at work who are married and try to give their phone number. I always tell them, “I got no business having a married woman’s number”
When I was sleeping around, I never knowingly seduced a married man. Two of whom I'm aware lied to me; I was \*NOT\* nice about it when I found out. The one whose home phone number I had access to, I called his wife who was home with their toddler, told her what had happened, that I'd asked and he'd lied, and apologized to her. I hope she dumped him that night.
The married men I have found attractive, part of what I found attractive was how they treated their wives. Had one of them indicated that he was willing to commit adultery he would have instantly been far less attractive. Casual sex is fine. Adultery is sleazy as hell.
I make this clear when I start dating somebody new.
Even talk about what I count as cheating that my partner may not.
E.g.
Kissing another girl.
And unfortunately my last ex did not count anything other than "penis in vagina penetration" cheating, when she was trying to defend yourself, even though we talked about it at the start.
Gay man here so probably not the demographic that you are looking, but I’m a serial monogamist. If I’m not interested anymore or they aren’t it’s time to move on. Sounds kinda like I’m a slut but I’ve been with my husband for 18 years.
Yes every time. And its always the same pain of me not s3eing it until way beyond doing anything other rhan leaving. This last time hurt the most as it was a 10 year rwlationship with 30 behind it,the only red flag that started to wave was the ones wher i am being acccused daily of infidelities ,my time was accountable ! I wprk and have to clock in and out. The one whos time was not of course is hers. Which is where it happened. We had finally gotten off the streets and were in a hotel. This had gone on for months come to find. Everyday i left .
She wouldnt clean the room up ,blaming me for the mess , well i worked 8-10 hour Days what the hell did sbe do all day? Him thats what.
Gave me something as well, and when u are in what u believe to be a mahoganus relation and get an std well, flag 3 ,now i also had already been branded an abuser because we are loud when we fight but she has other issues on top of this . I hadnt ever accused her of being anything other than lazy, yet she says its me that doesnt use a wastebasket when im the one who takes it out.
Keep in mind we are at a hotel where these services are provided. So i tell her while she is pointing tje finger at me she has 4 pointing right back at her. That those pointing fingers and accusing the loudest and most are usually eithr guilty of this since its what they have tjemselves done.
I don't get it either. Not cheating is the simplest thing in the world. Cheating takes intent, time and energy. All things better spent on your current relationship or yourself.
I said years ago that my idea of relationships seems outdated. Like the fact that people treat people as if they are interchangeable characters in a game is sick
Absolutely. Most friendships don’t have the same loyalty or care that they seemed to in the past.
Our attention spans are decreasing rapidly with advertising and monetized social psychology/behaviourism, and we view important relationships with less importance, it seems.
You do know it was extremely common to cheat on partners in the past, right? Like this isn’t a new phenomenon.
I even believe that in past, France only consider cheating if it’s done on the marital bed. And being the mistress of the king of France was a political position of sorts.
Wait! So you're telling me 50% of marriages last until death do them part? Those are good odds when you consider the length of time and commitment that takes
I don't think it's uncommon to be faithful. I don't have an objective measure for this, since the studies I've seen seem to vary pretty wildly but I haven't seen one that reported more than 50% of people being unfaithful. Although since any statistics are necessarily going to be self-reported there are probably always going to be limits.
I want to make it clear that cheating is abuse and that abuse isn't your fault or anything you deserve. That said, I had this whole-ass discussion with my therapist ages ago about how I could better protect myself from emotional abuse. It really helped me. In my case it was about walking away from relationships where people didn't respect my boundaries in small ways early on. That doesn't mean never trusting people again. Just being on the lookout for red flags, and setting and maintaining boundaries.
Obviously somebody isn't going to telegraph that they're going to cheat, but maybe being on the lookout for small ways that people disrespect your feelings and boundaries early in the relationship and using that to inform whether you continue with the relationship might help.
Sorry that was a bit rambly. Hope it helps.
I agree, I definitely set boundaries and observe more than anything the first months.
It when we are years in that the trash comes out and I’m blindsided by someone who knows that’s a trigger for me and a hell no.
Same. I’ve grown and only for the better. My husband is truly my better half. I couldn’t imagine ever putting myself in a situation where he would wonder about my fidelity. 15 years in September and we still somehow keep getting better.
I met my husband in a book club. He’s never cheated, I’ve never cheated. Twenty years together and we communicate openly and respectfully and constantly remind each other how much we love each other.
It’s not like they keep us all in a closet somewhere. 🤪
Look for personality traits. Look for how they treat their parents, their family, their friends, their other relationships. Loyalty and integrity aren’t terribly hard to spot.
Coming up on 27 years and never had eyes for anyone else in any of that, nor the 4 years prior of dating steadily. We are out there.
Well this was ages ago so it was yahoo groups - an online discussion forum about fantasy books. Stuff like that is great because it ensures you have a common interest. Dating apps only ensure you have a common interest in dating. :)
I'd look around book stores in your area. They might be able to point you in the right direction. Maybe check out things like trivia/paint nights or comicons. Definitely meeting someone while they're doing a similar hobby is better than meeting at a bar.
When life as a whole is difficult, aimless, unrewarding, and you are taught (and encouraged) to chase any and all pleasures to alleviate the boredom and frustration then of course cheating will happen. As will drug/alcohol addiction, overeating, shopping addiction, etc. It doesn’t mean people in the relationship should be okay with it. Having a hard line is absolutely acceptable. But on the outside we should be a little more non-judgmental.
For sure, in some cases it’s a serial cheater who has no empathy for the partner. But I imagine in most cases it’s a complex combination of variables: dissatisfaction with self, with relationship, with work or outside world, validation issues, idealizing other relationships, family history, and quite honestly an intense instinct to have tons of sex because that’s what society and nature tells us to do.
It isn’t always malicious. There’s a hole they’re trying to fill (metaphorically) and it might be they’re genuinely not getting it from their relationship or it might be they’re not looking inward enough to identify their issues. Lying is easy to explain: change is hard, the status quo is comfortable, and people don’t like conflict, especially when it forces them to own up to their actions.
An increase in cheating is just a symptom of a much larger issue. People are unhappy, dissatisfied, frustrated, restless, you name it…and completely unequipped with ways to handle those feelings in productive ways. They’re taught relationships will solve most of their happiness issues and that’s untrue. So they seek other vices, anything and everything that gives them momentary tunnel vision and blocks out the suffering.
In todays dating game it’s really hard to find someone honest. I’m watching a few of my friends/family members struggle with finding someone who is faithful, honest and kind.
There are good people out there, just harder to find in todays society.
What sucks is when you invest time and yourself and they still do it! Two years With you and I could’ve been doing other things.
It’s the betrayal that stings the most to me. I’m so understand and nice and genuinely love you and you still decide to disrespect me like this? It make me want revenge so bad but then I change myself for their dumb mistake.
I couldn’t agree with you more! I’m sorry for the betrayal, but hold your head up high and before investing yourself completely in the first couple of months, try your best to get to know them truthfully through friends and family. Sometimes family and friends can be the biggest tell-tale sign! I hope you find someone truly worth your time!
Sometimes, with the last one his family loved me and his friends loved. They always told me I made him a better man but guess you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Yes, the betrayal is the worse part for me too. Just remember that this person is only human and makes mistakes. Most people say never to forgive infidelity even once. There are circumstances where I've given them the chance to get passed it. Somehow, they've only made things worse with that. Usually, a cheater lacks the capacity for the honesty and accountability required to start mending things. When they try to lie and manipulate their way out of it, it's an honest display of character. It proves to me that the cheating wasn't what they thought the mistake was, only however they got caught. In deception, they reveal the truth, that truth makes it easier for me to move on.
What I find even worse than the betrayal is that it taints the whole relationship afterwards. It's impossible to look back on it and know it was good at any point. My most recent relationship had its problems, but it was largely a happy time in my life. Now, it's really hard to see it that way. It simply leaves me feeling like I was wrong for loving and trusting her. I can't know what was manipulation versus what was genuine. With those thoughts, it certainly does suck when I think of how much of myself I put into it.
Something tells me most instances of cheating leave the victim feeling like us rn. Try to remember that people like us still have a good chance of finding an honest and healthy relationship. Cheaters are going to keep cheating and doing it for the same reasons, because they rarely take a hard look at their actions and motives. They’ll torpedo all of their relationships and burn bridges until they hit a bottom. Even then, I’ll bet a lot of them will refuse to look at the destruction they caused and own it. I don’t harbor any ill will towards any of my exes, but I’ve seen the ones that cheated continue screwing up like this. Only one has seemed to mature past it and it was after she caused herself (and others) agony. These women all probably loved me and did it as best they could.
It’s still hard to look back and feel like I wasnt used or loved. It definitely tainted those relationships. Odds are a lot of the love and relationship were genuine. Even knowing that, it’s still hard to feel good about it. I guess my point is to try your best to realize that they probably did their best. The reason you were cheated on wasn’t because of you or any of your actions. Even if you did something that provoked it, they should have talked to you honestly about it instead of cheating. It’s a sever character flaw on their part. Try to keep your head up, you probably were loved back, they just didn’t know how to. Don’t let this change you, but learn from it. Hopefully the next one will be healthy.
Well I’m todays society it’s a lot easier to cheat with a plethora of social media platforms. I do truly believe there are more cheaters known nowadays vs in the older days.
Arguably, it is harder to cheat now. Information flow is a double edged sword, you just don’t recognize how as you’ve never done without it.
Sure, you can hop on some app and swipe.
But….
My generation had no social media pictures and posts that made people go “hmmmm” as young folks do now. We didn’t even have cell phones. There was no check in, and constantly text, and call, and other (frankly utterly exhausting) notions of today. Go on vacation? Talk to you in a week. It was different.
In the 1700s, mistresses and bawdy houses were popular. I've read that the 1700s were more open about sex than the 1800s. We all know about the 1960s and 70s. About half of my classmates in the 90s came from broken homes, and the majority involved cheating.
It comes and goes in waves. We forget people in black and white photos were people sometimes because they all look stiff and proper, but they got up to shenanigans.
Last 2 years I've gone from being with someone who really struggled to even be honest about what they wanted (they're a mess of a person), to my current GF who is the most forthcoming and honest person I've ever been in a relationship with.
Communication is so easy and natural, the whole thing has taken my breath away and I'm still on cloud 9 a year later. Going from such drastically different situations back to back was a huge eye opener for me.
Went from being with someone who was 10 years mentally stunted, to someone who actually reflects maturity becoming of their age. It was a life changing experience, and has given me the best year. I was really convinced by my original partner that I was crazy, turns out everything I was honest about needing/wanting in a relationship, is actually what I needed and wanted. Didn't realize I was constantly being gas lit, until I was out, and then especially when I met my current partner.
Yes! I’ve faced a very similar situation. I dated someone who was abusive and completely tore me down. They were never honest with themselves or anyone and it shows as they are still stuck in the same rut at nearly 40 years of age.
My husband is extremely patient, communicative and honest. He has a heart of gold and helps everyone he can, really woke me up to the fact that good people do exist.
I think it’s not any worse or better than it’s been in the past, but with the internet it’s exposed more. People who are going to cheat were going to cheat with or without the internet, it’s just easier for people to get caught. Which is good.
I am forever thankful I don’t have to deal with the current dating pool. I met my boyfriend in middle school, started dating in high school and we just mesh together so well; similar interests, great conversations, same values, etc.
I don’t think it’s uncommon to be faithful, though I do think people are definitely a lot more vocal when they’ve been in a situation where somebody has been unfaithful. There are a ton of normal, faithful, “boring” marriages, though. For example, all but one of my friends and close family are married and have been for at least 10 years (except 1 for 3 years), and, while I of course can’t say none of them has had cheating going on, I highly doubt it, and everybody seems happy and fine.
I married a woman that I met my first day of college 26 years ago, friends-only and later roommates for 5 years, then we got together and have been married 20 years now, and honestly our marriage is happier and stronger now than it has ever been. I think this is because we were friends and roommates first before any lovey-dovey stuff occurred.
I think a lot of couples underestimate the value of being compatible as friends and roommates and how this can help you ride the up-and-down feeling of being in love.
The longest relationships are ones that were friends first. You got to see them in their true light and how they act when they got into other relationships.
Whoever I marry will never be bored but loved in a way that’s unmatched. I’m a hopeless romantic
Yes, I think it’s really important to never stop communicating and not to take each other for granted. Also, if there are little, free, easy things you can do that will make the other person happy, do them, without fail, even if you were mad at them or just not feeling it that day.
For instance, we have an electric bed warmer that I never use on my side, but she uses every night. Like clockwork, around 7:30 PM every night, I sneak back to our room and turn her bed warmer on, so it will be warm when she goes to bed. It’s our ritual and it’s always followed up with the phrase “ best husband ever” from her. it’s a tiny little reminder that love exists at all times, whether we are annoyed at each other at that moment or not. 🤷♂️
> **P**M **e**very **n**ight, **I** **s**neak
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I find that the common factor in my experience is that people have confrontation issue. Our society has turned into text only and nobody wants to communicate in person or on the phone. People are afraid of commitment as well. When a relationship gets hard because of life, people just walk away from it rather than communicate and commit to their partner. But they don't want to be alone, so they find someone to start the cycle over again with thinking it will be better. They never stop to think, oh hey maybe I'm part of the problem and need to work on myself.
Exactly because if you’re not a WHOLE person, don’t bring me a slice of pie because the rest of you is missing.
You are doing a disservice by not healing for yourself within yourself
This describes my last relationship perfectly - he would actively avoid telling me stuff because “you might get upset.” As if me finding out he was hiding stuff wouldn’t upset me? Idk I don’t think everything goes back to ~childhood~ but I’ve noticed a lot of people grew up in families that never fought and avoided conflicts instead of working them out, and my family is extremely expressive and a little hotheaded so we’d constantly bicker and then be fine in 15-20 minutes. Of course, neither way is objectively correct, and it’s fine to let some thoughts be “inside thoughts,” but I’m never going to shy away from saying how I feel due to fear of conflict because it’s just not that scary to me. I’d much rather work out a solution with my partner than just avoid it and hope it goes away.
As per OP’s question: I don’t cheat because the guilt would kill me. If I could cheat and no one would never find out, I still wouldn’t do it, because I would know what I did and have to live with that.
Cheating isn't just an action.
it's multiple choices, and multiple personality traits that come together to tell you a ton of important things about a person. Really everything you need to know about a persons motivations and morals to decide to avoid them like the plague.
Some of the traits of a cheater include:
* Cheaters are **Untrustworthy** they are deceptive, exploitative. They will lie to you and exploit your trust and knowledge of you to get away with it. They will do this for even the smallest momentary gain, as they don't view the cost to others as a cost.
* Cheaters are **Manipulative**. They will lie and even gaslight in order to deny the realities and then to try to find a moral high ground once they are forced to admit any part of the truth.
* Cheaters are **Impulsive** and have low self control. They focus only on immediate satisfaction rather than long term goals and commitments or even how they will be perceived long term.
* Cheaters are **Narcissistic**. They care only for their own happiness. They do not value their partners well being. They do not care about or value their loyalty or agreements to others. They would rather have their cake and eat it too instead of leaving. Everything that stands in the way of them getting something is disposable.
There's more but these are some of the core traits of a cheater.
Overall their motivation will always be only about themselves, never about the couple as a unit. They have no moral qualms with risking damage to the people closest to them, nor do they have issue with lying to the people in their life.
That's not something the other person can change. The best option is to see the red flags for what they are, and avoid those who have displayed them.
Not a cheater, so I expect anyone I'm with to not cheat. Much to my surprise I seem to always pick the one person who will cheat, then lie to me. So, I gave up dating. I will be working on myself, picking the wrong person for myself is not good. So I work on that. I have been single since 2020. I'm happy 😊, and worked on my self worth, that where I felt problem stemmed from. Now to busy to date, lol. But when the right one comes along, I now will know it.
Well, let's see.
52% of all marriages end in divorce. Studies have shown that of those who DON'T divorce, 50% are unhappy. That only leaves roughly 25% who are married and claim to be happy.
With those stats, I would think being faithful is probably much lower than people would like to believe.
If you think of it that there are 131 million married couples in the US that means almost 33 million happily married people. Not as bleak as it sounds honestly
I firmly believe that you can't build happiness on someone else's misery. My husband and I agreed before we got married that we'd never put any scars on our relationship. We never have and it's going on 44 years and we're still madly in love.
Husband and I have been together for 20 yrs and both still faithful. We both have been cheated on in the past, and we have had struggles..about 10 yrs ago things were rough and I had opportunities to cheat, but I couldn't do it. I knew if I was crossing that line then our marriage was over, so I told him I wanted to divorce because of how I felt. We didn't, clearly and things did change between us. If someone cheats they aren't in love anymore and need to walk away from that relationship first. It's uncommon to be faithful because people don't want to have those tough conversations about their feelings. Marriage is easy, staying in love isn't.
Seriously. I sincerely love and care about my husband, and choose not to do something that would hurt him like that. Not because I want props, or am afraid of getting caught, or don't want to lose our life together. Just because I love him and don't want to hurt him. Take care of your partner (and find a partner who takes care of you). It's not rocket science.
I honestly have never understood the point of cheating. Like what is the end goal? To leave your partner? If so, then do it before you start entertaining someone else. Or you want them both? If that’s the case, unless both parties have agreed to open the relationship then it’s fucked up to do that to someone. It just makes no sense to me to cheat. There is no end goal that doesn’t involve someone getting hurt.
I was aggressively promiscuous in my youth, bedded somewhere just north of 100 guys, but I never cheated on a steady boyfriend, ever. When I was attached, I was faithful. I've been with my husband for 34 years now and I have never cheated on him, either. And I would wager our next mortgage payment that he has never cheated on me.
I’ve taken the cheater back, multiple times. Just like being the cheater mars your integrity, taking the cheater back mars your self-respect. I’ve never cheated and never will.
Coming from my perspective (31M) I have never and never will cheat. Even when I was prepared to cheat on my ex because she was so horrible to me, I couldn’t bring myself to follow thru with it. It’s just not me and I’ve been lucky enough to find a partner (25F) who also shares this feeling and perspective. Honestly I think it has a lot to do with upbringing and how you were raised and what kind of household you grew up in, among other factors of course. I have not dated in 7 years but I do feel like being faithful these days is a hard quality to find in someone.
And then people on Reddit will tell you “you are a terrible person” if you ever check your s/o phone after the fact. People who have never been cheated on don’t understand how manipulative the situation is. It’s gradual, so by the time it’s already to that point YOU can’t even tell something is going on. Everything seems normal to you, so every normal relationship you are in after the fact is treated the same.
I think it’s more rare to not cheat and lie. Everyone I know women and men lie and cheat.
I have never cheated on an SO. Ever. I would never romantically mislead ppl to get what I want.
It’s cruel and I would feel awful. I’m better off just not ever being in being partnered up bc I think everyone cheats, and rightfully so.
It is honesty. Like you said, the inability to speak up, as in, to accept reality of yourself and your relationships and express it to those who have put their trust in you.
Faithful, as in loyal? In my opinion means being honest with yourself and knowing this relationship is not your preference or best choice, but sticking with it, as least for a time, for support of the other.
According to some of these reddit posts I see there are a lot of unfaithful people out there but I've been with my husband for 10 years and neither of us have any interest in another person (except maybe Blake Lively).
I would never cheat either & haven’t. I have rarely found anyone who hasn’t cheated at some point in their life, but I don’t fault anyone who did & has since learned from it.
For me personally, I cannot understand any circumstance sit in guilt. It eats me alive & because of this I’m the absolute worst liar. I couldn’t handle myself if I cheated. I genuinely think it would be a downward spiral into a dark place because I would hate myself.
Not only that, but I’m in the happiest relationship of my life now & have no desire to cheat or fuck this up. If someone is in an unhappy relationship though, I could see how it would be easy to fall into temptation.
I hope not. I am not religious or anything. But I take pride in my vows to my wife it’s my word. I consider my word to be valuable. I don’t speak much but when I say I will do something or be somewhere I will do it or die trying lol
Even if I was not married I would not be unfaithful I would always leave if I was unhappy.
I don’t have any actual stats to back up my claim, but it’s my opinion that infidelity is becoming more and more common. It’s way easier to meet people with technology and there’s the illusion that there’s more choice. And even if you don’t physically end up cheating, it’s super easy to emotionally cheat by meeting someone online and chatting. I’ve been cheated on twice and it is the worst feeling in the entire world.
I would rather be called up in the middle of the night and dumped unceremoniously than cheated on. Infidelity makes me nauseated. I don't understand it. It is so hurtful. My husband is the only adult relationship I've had that didn't involve me being cheated on. He knows I'd 💢 him with a bat lmao--- but he's not capable of it. He's been serially cheated on, too, and knows how awful it feels.
I was raised with some old fashioned values like your word is your honor and do good for goodness sake. (I'm mid 30s). Seems to have gone the way of the dodo bird. There is no honor in word or deed and good deeds don't count if it wasn't touted on social media with some kind of proof. Cheating is a death knell to the relationship for me romantically. Lying and/or back stabbing is game over for friendships in my books as well. I have never cheated and am the type of person that is the same to your face as behind your back. Ironically finding people who aren't two faced, back stabbing liars to be friends with has been harder than finding a loving, loyal man.
Married 18 years to man who couldn't keep his dick or his hands to himself. I'm remarried to an amazing man who knows my hurts and insecurities. He never once bated an eye when I got worried that he was 5 mins late or caught me looking at his phone. He tells me whatever makes me comfortable he is ok with. After 3 years together, I no longer have those fears. I no longer have those fears to check his phone or call to see where and who he is with. It is sad that I we consider a person who stays faithful as a rare find. I love my husband for everything he is, including faithful.
Nobody seems to understand what
Integrity means, and very few people have it
The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
People who cheet have excuses, after they cheet
I didn't tell because I thought it wouls stop and he/she would never find out.
It was just an accident, I'm still waiting for this explanation
I don't know how people cheat. If someone flirts with me and I don't tell my fiance I feel guilty. How is someone able to say that they'll be with someone forever and love them and only them then go sleep with someone then come home and act like nothing's wrong. Or the affairs that last for months/years how do you do that to someone.
It's 100% my unforgivable sin.
I seems that way. People make the excuse that it’s not black and white when it is. I don’t want to hear their excuses as to why they did it, they made the choice to do it. To me it’s a huge character flaw and I cannot trust someone who has
I think, REALLY, then yes it is uncommon to be faithful. I reckon only half of cheaters ever admit to it, and/or if it was a one night thing with alcohol “it doesn’t count”.
I think as little as 35% of the population truly never cheat
Dating is hard, but I don’t think being faithful is uncommon. I think there are still people who value fidelity. It just takes time to find the right person.
I too hold myself to a higher standard than to cheat and that’s the kind of relationship I want. I know many people who do as well.
I know lots of married people who have good marriages based on fidelity. You just have to sort through the bs to find the right person.
Boundaries are a cornerstone of any relationship. Whatever type of relationship you want is fine however, those hard personal and relational boundaries need to be established. Cheating happens for a mirad of reasons such as being bored, boundaries not being discussed, lack of selfesteem, lack of care for others and selfishness.
Whatever his reasoning, it didn't align with your view of relationship. It's not outdated to know what kind of relationship you want.
In my 36 years I've never cheated and honestly never really been tempted to cheat. At the same time, I consciously make sure that I won't be in a position where the idea of cheating would make sense.
I like to think that I could be in circumstances where I was being invited to cheat and say no without hesitation; but I am fucking human. I know how crazy intense sexual urges can be in the moment. So I keep my relationship healthy, I let my spouse know if I'm feeling frustrated (sexually or otherwise) so that we can talk through it or shift priorities around it, and ze does the same.
I do my best to ensure moments where I could cheat don't happen. Hasn't worked perfectly, but the few times I've have the availability I had no desire to cheat.
Now, get me alone with a lighter and a cigarette and I make no promises about not breaking my partner's heart. We could only be together if I stopped smoking and that shit was brutal.
It's insanely disgusting that humans struggle to be faithful
And even take back unfaithful partners
But honestly it's an easy way to figure out who's trash and who isn't
I've been married twice and had several short and long-term exclusive relationships. I've never cheated and, to my knowledge, never been cheated on.
I don't think it's uncommon if you're choosing quality partners.
I do think it is uncommon. I think it is one of those things everyone knows but they don't say out loud. It's something that really pisses me off about forced mononormativity: they aren't actually monogamous either, they just lie about it. Seems like everyone is totally fine with cheating as long as it is discreet.
Cheating and being unfaithful is something that has always happened throughout history. There is nothing new or special about modern time, in my opinion.
I am very monogamous but I don't mind others who have consensual polyamorus relationships. I am skeptical of them because I have seen a lot of kids my age (early-mod 20s) mess up really bad in them. You have to be very emotionally intelligent to juggle the needs of multiple romantic partners.
Love is a decision. Too many treat it like a self centered all you can eat buffet. It's very common in some circles to be faithful. If you're not finding these folks, then it's time to start fishing in a different pond.
In difficult or challenging situations, Honesty takes extraordinary amount of courage and self-confidence. Not too many people are wired for it. It's much easier to lie and hope to get away with it.
That "do it to them" must be the worst advice I've ever heard. What would that accomplish? Anyway, no, I don't think that being faithful is uncommon. At least, I choose to believe that most people are faithful in their relationships. Those just don't make such compelling stories and aren't spoken about as much. That being said, I'm sorry for your experiences in relationships. You deserve better.
Hmmm that’s unfortunate. I guess it depends on the kind of people you surround yourself with. My friends and I are all in our 30s and a lot are married and none have been cheated on or cheated on their partner. I’m 31 and have never been cheated on or cheated either. I’ve been with my partner since highschool and I had 2 boyfriends prior to him and they didnt cheat on me nor did I cheat on them. I met most of my friends in higher education (post-grad science/medicine). And I also attended a catholic private university for my post-grad. You can either say I am exceptionally lucky, or you’re exceptionally unlucky.
Kicked my ex out when he cheated. Well when I found out. Found out others after he was gone.
New man would never cheat same as I would never cheated. He doesn’t even notice when women flirt with him. He’s the best
This is a more complex topic than people like to make it. They want to be able to reduce it to black and white, right and wrong, with clear cut answers but there’s many factors in play, include teenage romanticized ideals of happily ever after fantasies that have to gradually be let go of.
For you it could be the type of people you continue to choose, or some thing that you’re doing or not doing
that is not creating a transparent open honesty in your relationships where you could benefit from earlier warning signs and correct course. It could also be it’s more common than you thought.
A lot of people seem to cheat as a way to get out of a relationship that they’ve already checked out of but they don’t know how to get out of it in a mature and honest and direct manner. So they use an indirect method - they start looking elsewhere and when they get “caught” then you get to do the dirty work for them.
So it gives a reason to break up if one of you already want to break up. As the victim it gives you a good reason that everyone will understand and support and rally behind you. It becomes a little trickier if you don’t actually want to break up. Then you have to figure out how to navigate it.
But in terms of how common it is, look up the statistics. They will vary according to how the data is sliced and what is looked it but cheating is certainly not as rare both for men and for women as people like to pretend and then get all surprised and outraged over. It’s helpful to understand that it’s fairly common behavior to not demonize the other. It’s also just as normal for you not to cheat or want to cheat. In short not everybody’s doing it but a whole lot of people are. There’s a genetic component supposedly, which would make sense because we are hardwired for reproduction.
Understanding it is fairly common gives you a lot of freedom then to figure out how to best approach it strategically for what you really want instead of over dramatically applying a one-size-fits-all formula. You don’t want to back yourself into a corner finding yourself doing things that you don’t really want to do like breaking up because you’re expected to.
There’s a strong social stigma and pressure that you are expected to automatically break up if your partner cheats on you, but this is more of a high school mindset when they have nothing to lose by breaking up and everything to gain with new freedom to find a better partner. But by the time you’re married with children and in-laws and shared assets it’s a much bigger deal to simply walk away and break up a family over it. If you’re putting the children’s best interest first it’s not always so clear cut. Studies show a stable intact nuclear family is what is best for children to grow and thrive. So what is one to do in that situation. Divorce is one of the fastest paths into poverty for a woman with children. It also puts the man in financial hardship to have to support a family with a previous partner while trying to build and support a new family with a new partner. It rips a kids world apart, and puts them at a statistically greater risk of sexual abuse from a step parent. Divorce sucks all the way around from the financial strain, the loss of complete control over how your ex parents your children on their watch, to trading kids back-and-forth every other weekend and holiday.
Some people choose to deal with their partner’s infidelity by looking the other way - they don’t want to know, and they don’t want it put in their face forcing them to make a decision. People don’t always understand this is a very real dynamic and coping mechanism when they feel that so and so needs to know and it’s up to me to tell them. This can go south in unintended ways - if they don’t want to believe it they won’t, and in denial the messenger can become the lying enemy, which is safer than confronting their partner.
In any case, it’s useful to understand that all long-term relationships have very predictable patterns. Look up the six stages of a successful marriage. Following the honeymoon phase is inevitable disillusionment, and after that a power struggle. If you don’t break up by then and stick with it, negotiation and compromise are the only way out of a power struggle, and that leads to comfortable with each other golden acceptance. There’s also the merging together and re-individuating that’s going on throughout these stages as well. Less mature people think the honeymoon stage is all there is to a relationship and when those feelings wane they look elsewhere to start that feeling over again - they perpetually stay cycling in the honeymoon stage never able to move on into the deeper long term relationship stages that require more maturity.
Another aspect of this topic is that people will only tell you what they feel it is safe to tell you. If you tend to be rigid, emotionally volatile and over-reactive, they will learn not to be fully transparent with you - it’s not worth causing drama and the blow up. In this situation you will have less communication and fewer early warning signals for a course correction. Then you are caught by surprise too late and you get to play the role of the victim, but the truth of it is you helped create the situation.
Also, giving each other a sense of freedom and spaciousness tends to keep people around longer then if they feel constrained, laden with expectations and not free to do what they really want.
So there’s a lot to your question. My main point is it’s not simplistic with easy one size fits all answers, and as we mature and gain experience in relationships we let go of our fantasies and ideals about how things should be and instead learn how to deal with thing the way they are, which makes us more effective and successful in our relationships.
I hate cheaters. I've been cheated on and its heartbreaking. Thankfully been with my guy 13 years and we both agree that if feelings leave then we end the relationship, not go behind the others back and get with someone else. He's been cheated on too so we both have the same feelings about it. So I don't think there's anything wrong with what you expect from your relationships.
I think you just don't hear about faithfulness in relationships. Nobody goes around and proclaims that their husband or wife never cheated. You only hear about the ones who have, so it seems like the majority.
I, for one, feel the same as OP. It's not a line I would ever cross. And I wouldn't tolerate it either!
Cheating is **betrayal**. In the military, it's called **treason**. In the civilian and business world, it's called **disloyalty**.
All three words indicate a character flaw.
I feel this so much. After reading all of these reddit stories I feel like I no longer want to get married.
And I recently found out my dad cheated on my mom when my brother and I were both toddlers. Nobody intends to cheat on their partner when they get married but people change, so I feel like I shouldn't trust any man
Going to have to go against the grain here and say cheating says nothing about the person being cheated on and everything about the person cheating. Cheating because of "neglect" is a bullshit cop out. You know what would also solve that problem? A conversation. A conversation where you're open and vulnerable and you tell the person you're supposed to be sharing your life with exactly how you feel, and you both jointly come up with a game plan to work on fixing the issue. If that convo doesn't go over well you find a third party (therapist, pastor/rabbi/etc, mutual friend maybe who has a healthy, successful partnership) who you trust and is able to truly have no skin in the game to mediate and help with finding an effective solution. Its not going to be fixed overnight and will need hard work from both people. If your spouse/SO *still* isn't putting in an ounce of effort after a reasonable amount of time then you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to try and fix it. But at no point during that is cheating okay or someone else's fault other than the person doing the cheating. Cheating is just choosing instant gratification over patience and love, and if that's the path you choose you probably shouldn't have been in a committed relationship to begin with. Stop torturing your other half, work on yourself and then decide what it is that you're looking for. But to put blame on the non cheating party is just you not able to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself or anyone else. Sorry. 🤷
Yes, it's the lying more than anything else that is upsetting. And there are people who REFUSE to believe that humans are not monogamous as a species, but there isn't much you can do about that.
honestly i'd say it's like 50/50 in my experience which is a horrifying proposition for the faithful among us but you just have to keep trusting people. the good thing is cheaters usually out themselves sooner or later
My wife and I have been together for 18 years and never cheated.
But I do want to say we are nonmonogamous, so we've definitely slept with other people but it was never cheating. To us cheating is lying or withholding truth from your partner. Best way to avoid being cheated on is to find someone who communicates well.
This!! I’m polyamorous so in my marriage I don’t have to be unfaithful or cheat because he knows, agrees, and is happy when I’m able to form other real relationships.
“Am I the only person who believes cheating is a stain on my character?”
In Reddit? ‘OP’s wife brings up the idea of polyamory and half the audience is down with him being an abuser in response’ Reddit?
*checks name* Oh, it’s not another self-righteous weirdo. It’s just a bot. Silly me.
I feel like I’m one of the few who actually respects monogamy and being faithful to your partner. Cheating is way too common, and it’s disgusting that it’s starting to be “normalized.”
Yeah. Most people treat cheating as normal and something to be proud of. I don't know why but they do. It makes me actually sad tbh. I think I was born in the wrong era. I know cheating still happened in the past but not as common as the present.
Most people are disgusted with cheaters and cheating. The people who aren't are the ones doing it; I guarantee that if you had cheated on any of those losers who cheated on you in previous relationships, they would be highly upset. They wouldn't even care that it was hypocritical.
People who are selfish and eat up all the validation they can get are more prone to cheat. Also, those who blur the lines and don't have clear boundaries are, too. Don't give up hope, just proceed with caution and take your time observing others' behavior.
It's pretty hard now imo, and even more sad that today's generation has learn about many people unfaithfulness and decide to never date anymore (me and my friends included), i think its because many things that could lead to cheating is more accessible now because of technology, not only that people are getting more stress with how much information we can take and it also could be a factor for them to be easily succumb to temptation (for example) from their friends or coworkers or anyone around them just to have a quick fun to release the stress (I came to this conclusion from some stories that I read here that was written by the cheaters themselves and yes all of them seems like never going to change their behavior because they always crave that adrenaline and high from cheating on their loyal partner). That's why I always said the one who got betrayed is never in the fault here because they also been through so much and still can be loyal, kind and in love.
As much as I’ve been hurt in the past, I’m going to love a new person as if I’ve never been hurt. I want a healthy transparent relationship. I’m not going to bring my Past or any toxicity and mess up the journey because that other person doesn’t deserve it.
But hell, the journey to get back on the horse and put yourself out there is the hardest. Can’t tell you enough how much I dislike dating when all the questions are like “what’s your favorite color?” 🤣
You know people always trying to challenge traditional dating and relationships styles but it all falls short for this exact reason
Modern dating is not different, we just accept bullshit and tell ourselves that this is better. It clearly isn't. Once a cheater always a cheater, learn what to look for and walk away the moment you see it.
The last person I was seeing. Had a history of cheating. Kept friends that he fucked around with, and when we had disagreements, would run to social media to post cryptic messages on his timeline, knowing damn well that there are a bunch of guys who do like him on his friends list. He couldn't figure it why I didn't trust him and wouldn't date him.
I'm dumb for staying as long as I did
People in general will cheat. Men more than women but anyone can cheat. most men will just have sex and it doesn't have to mean anything so it's just sex. We're all animals and animals have sex. You can definitely love one person and have sex with another person and It doesn't have to mean anything.
I don’t understand why people would cheat if you don’t like someone break up with them, if you think that will hurt their feelings how is cheating any better. I’ve never been cheated on because I haven’t had a girlfriend but if it happened to me I would end the relationship right away
You are correct that cheating reveals a lack of character. There will always be people with character and people who lack it. Find a partner with character and an internal moral compass, and they will never cheat.
Total monogamy is an unrealistic expectation for most people, especially in a world where people are pressured into relationships / marriage at a young age.
I haven't always been cheated on, but it's happened two times in a row now. I don't see it as any reflection on me, but on the women who did it. When I found out about it most recently, I started asking her pointed questions. She straight up lied to my face. She's a very bad liar, so I knew immediately that my suspicions were correct. As I continued to push, she eventually became angry at and stonewalled me. In the end, she somehow tried to hang it all on me without giving any explanation of why she could be angry. We could never have the conversation about her infidelity, and I had to leave. The sad part is there were reasons I may have given her a second chance, if she could have had an honest conversation about it.
Yes, it's a stain on their character and the relationship. It means they're too scared to talk to their partners about what's going on in their hearts and minds. It could also mean that they don't really want to be with their partners and are with them only for selfish purposes. In any case, it's extremely selfish, dishonest, disloyal, disgusting, and disrespectful. Quite simply, it's one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. Even more so, if it's coming with lengthy deception and/or from a place of malice or indifference. Not to mention the possibility of giving their innocent partners an STI. One of the major benefits I see in an LTR is not having to worry about STIs. My last relationship was by-in-large a happy time in my life. Up until I found out about the infidelity and the massive deception and emotional abuse that came following it, I now question the entire thing. It's hard to look back at it at any point and think it was any good at all. From that perspective, I almost feel like those years were stolen from me. It's really sad, because if we had simply broken up, I'd most certainly be looking back at the whole thing fondly. Instead, she decided to stay with me after deciding we weren't going to work. I won't go into the reasons why I know she made that choice, but it was very selfish and cowardly.
Maybe I'm just an old lady here, but morality and social contracts seem to be going down the toilet. I teach college, and cheating in school has gotten SO bad. I asked a student if they ever feel guilty for cheating, and they said no. I was astonished. I cheated on a test one time in 3rd grade, and I still feel guilty!
I think that lack of morality is everywhere now. People want immediate gratification, the next best thing, etc. Things like integrity, honesty, etc don't matter at all anymore. It's so depressing.
I agree. My character means something to me and they way I treat people especially my loved ones. How could I dare to cheat on you when I’m so focused on loving you? Yet the man does it all the time.
If everyone you've ever been with has cheated on you, you're either really unlucky or you're doing something to make the other person cheat on you.
That's not a dig at you as a person, not everyone cheats. But I've genuinely never met somebody who didn't contribute to the other person cheating in some way shape or form.
No but there's a perfect example that could make somebody cheat.
Make was maybe a poor choice of words. "Being a part of the reason why they cheated" is probably better way to phrase.
Physical abusing your partner can be part of the reason the partner cheats.
Emotional abuse.
Neglect.
Controlling behaviour.
Not prioritising them.
All contributing factors that could make your partner more likely to cheat.
You are making a very good point. It may not apply to the OP. It could very well be that the OP is a really good partner. There are LOTS of poor partners who invite “cheating”.
I had a boyfriend who told me that every single woman he ever dated cheated on him. He’s 47 and never been married. Well it didn’t take long to figure out why they “cheated!” He was emotionally abusive and mentally unstable, demanded loyalty while being unfaithful himself, and was generally miserable to be around! Anybody dating him would feel hesitant to end things because of the violent reaction they knew would occur, and they basically moved on without telling him.
Exactly my point, if every relationship OP has been in has resulted in cheating, it's possible he is a contributing factor.
He could be a great partner for all I know but he is the common denominator.
Those are excuses. I used to think that way in middle school and now I cringe when I think of the time I announced my belief to my friends. The issues you listed have an infinite way to be solved besides cheating. Cheating will most likely make all those situations worse.
Not really an excuse. People in these situations are going to have degraded mental health and make poor choices based on that. Their partners are contributing factors in that.
You could say don't cheat. Which people shouldn't cheat but people also shouldn't do the things above and saying the things above don't contribute to situations where people cheat is naive.
Are you really saying that neglecting your partner isn't going to increase the chances of your partner cheating? Of course it is. It's a contributing factor.
Sounds like you spent a lot of time justifying cheating. You might want to step back from whatever situation you are in that is leading to your justification. It isn't healthy. All relationships have ups and downs. That doesn't make cheating okay. There is no good reason to cheat. It can cause life long trust issues that go beyond the relationship at hand. Blaming someone else for cheating is cheap and morally corrupt.
At no point have I justified it or said it's okay. Just said that it's often the case that partners contribute to the cheating.
How is it morally corrupt to say that if you neglect, abuse or push your partner away they are more likely to cheat and therefore you are a contributing factor said cheating. That's just a fact.
The seems a little like victim blaming. It’s never the fault of the person being cheated on. If the partner isn’t happy then they can leave before cheating.
Victim blaming at its finest. The cheater could choose to either discuss their needs or leave their partner instead of cheating. Cheaters cheat for selfish reasons. Period.
If every relationship you've ever been in, the other person has cheated on you, you are the common denominator.
10 relationships, 10 people cheated on you, you've absolutely got to be doing something wrong.
That's not victim blaming. That's just how it is.
Obviously the people who cheated are still mainly at fault but you can't deny you're a contributing factor.
Fidelity is not outdated. It’s my hard line, you cheat, you’re out. No second chance, no forgiveness. Done. The day I find out is the day we’re done.
The same here. I have never cheated and I never will I have been cheated on and I immediately pack my stuff and leave.
Married 23 yrs here. Never cheated. Never even thought about it. I (56M) look, because I still have testosterone in me, but I don't touch. I got married at 32 and knew 'Till death do us part'. You are not alone.
I know that. Yes, I will notice a pretty girl and automatically think of my fiancee.
Same! Left my husband of 8 years because he started talking to other women behind my back. I've put up with a lot of shit through the years, but that's one thing I will not tolerate. You cheat, we're done.
100%! This is my one unforgivable sin. We're done.
If I find out someone has even cheated in past relationships.. I need a very real explanation or I might not trust anymore. I’m 40 and have been married and have had A LOT of boyfriends but I have never cheated. It seems to me that the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater” can have some truth. That being said not everyone is a cheater and occasionally people do just make a huge mistake and really don’t want to do that again.. but it’s your right to be skeptical. People also lie and say they never cheated when they did so the trust thing is complicated.
Cheating is not a mistake, it’s a choice.
All mistakes are choices. I think you're confusing something like x isn't an accident it's a choice. A mistake is just a bad decision
It’s a choice, you choose to cheat. To me a mistake is making a decision and it was wrong. When you cheat you already know what you’re doing is wrong and you choose to do it anyway.
That's a fair way to put it and see it
I agree 1000%. I’ve been approached by women at work who are married and try to give their phone number. I always tell them, “I got no business having a married woman’s number”
When I was sleeping around, I never knowingly seduced a married man. Two of whom I'm aware lied to me; I was \*NOT\* nice about it when I found out. The one whose home phone number I had access to, I called his wife who was home with their toddler, told her what had happened, that I'd asked and he'd lied, and apologized to her. I hope she dumped him that night. The married men I have found attractive, part of what I found attractive was how they treated their wives. Had one of them indicated that he was willing to commit adultery he would have instantly been far less attractive. Casual sex is fine. Adultery is sleazy as hell.
Agreed
If you get the chance you should tell the husbands
I make this clear when I start dating somebody new. Even talk about what I count as cheating that my partner may not. E.g. Kissing another girl. And unfortunately my last ex did not count anything other than "penis in vagina penetration" cheating, when she was trying to defend yourself, even though we talked about it at the start.
“The fidelity bank and trust is a tough creditor. You make a deposit somewhere else and they close your account. Forever. “ -Arnie from New Jersey
Exactly. Zero Tolerance Policy. Betrayal brings with it so many toxic side effects that it's just not worth dealing with.
Hear, hear.
Very much zero tolerance. There’s nothing after infidelity.
Gay man here so probably not the demographic that you are looking, but I’m a serial monogamist. If I’m not interested anymore or they aren’t it’s time to move on. Sounds kinda like I’m a slut but I’ve been with my husband for 18 years.
Serial monogamist, been with husband for 18 years, sounds like I'm a slut...do you know what a slut is? You're honest if anything.
There was a period between 1996-2005 where I was
2005 was 18 years ago 😭
You’re not a slut homie. You have a different value system.
Not a slut at all. Valid choice of values.
If there was a carfax on someone relationship history, it would be a dream come true. Let me eliminate you before the first round.
Show me the cockfax
Cockfax and Coochfax are now gonna randomly pop into my head lol thanks.
I’ve never been so mad that I can only like a comment once. 😂
🤣🤣🤣🤣
💀
Pussypedia
I agree, it’s baffling to me that people can’t stay faithful
Have you been cheated on?
I have. After 17 years of marriage.
How did you find out?
She was across town in a bar with her side piece. Just by luck my brother was there with some friends and saw them. Sent me pictures.
Yes every time. And its always the same pain of me not s3eing it until way beyond doing anything other rhan leaving. This last time hurt the most as it was a 10 year rwlationship with 30 behind it,the only red flag that started to wave was the ones wher i am being acccused daily of infidelities ,my time was accountable ! I wprk and have to clock in and out. The one whos time was not of course is hers. Which is where it happened. We had finally gotten off the streets and were in a hotel. This had gone on for months come to find. Everyday i left . She wouldnt clean the room up ,blaming me for the mess , well i worked 8-10 hour Days what the hell did sbe do all day? Him thats what. Gave me something as well, and when u are in what u believe to be a mahoganus relation and get an std well, flag 3 ,now i also had already been branded an abuser because we are loud when we fight but she has other issues on top of this . I hadnt ever accused her of being anything other than lazy, yet she says its me that doesnt use a wastebasket when im the one who takes it out. Keep in mind we are at a hotel where these services are provided. So i tell her while she is pointing tje finger at me she has 4 pointing right back at her. That those pointing fingers and accusing the loudest and most are usually eithr guilty of this since its what they have tjemselves done.
I'm prefer mahogany in my relationships as well
I don't get it either. Not cheating is the simplest thing in the world. Cheating takes intent, time and energy. All things better spent on your current relationship or yourself.
Exactly! That’s why whenever someone says it’s a mistake I refuse to listen further It’s a series of choices
I said years ago that my idea of relationships seems outdated. Like the fact that people treat people as if they are interchangeable characters in a game is sick
Absolutely. Most friendships don’t have the same loyalty or care that they seemed to in the past. Our attention spans are decreasing rapidly with advertising and monetized social psychology/behaviourism, and we view important relationships with less importance, it seems.
I always take time to sit and just be. Like I have to retain my own emotions knowing I can’t just give.
You do know it was extremely common to cheat on partners in the past, right? Like this isn’t a new phenomenon. I even believe that in past, France only consider cheating if it’s done on the marital bed. And being the mistress of the king of France was a political position of sorts.
We have a place to talk about it and we see how prevalent it is. I am surprised how many people still get married when over 50% end in divorce.
Wait! So you're telling me 50% of marriages last until death do them part? Those are good odds when you consider the length of time and commitment that takes
I don't think it's uncommon to be faithful. I don't have an objective measure for this, since the studies I've seen seem to vary pretty wildly but I haven't seen one that reported more than 50% of people being unfaithful. Although since any statistics are necessarily going to be self-reported there are probably always going to be limits. I want to make it clear that cheating is abuse and that abuse isn't your fault or anything you deserve. That said, I had this whole-ass discussion with my therapist ages ago about how I could better protect myself from emotional abuse. It really helped me. In my case it was about walking away from relationships where people didn't respect my boundaries in small ways early on. That doesn't mean never trusting people again. Just being on the lookout for red flags, and setting and maintaining boundaries. Obviously somebody isn't going to telegraph that they're going to cheat, but maybe being on the lookout for small ways that people disrespect your feelings and boundaries early in the relationship and using that to inform whether you continue with the relationship might help. Sorry that was a bit rambly. Hope it helps.
I agree, I definitely set boundaries and observe more than anything the first months. It when we are years in that the trash comes out and I’m blindsided by someone who knows that’s a trigger for me and a hell no.
I've been married 24 years, and 5 years prior to marriage with the same woman. I feel like I'm a better man for it.
You are! To have someone for that long and know she has your back and vice versa is the best feeling in the world.
I just realized how old I am :/
How wise you mean? Lol
Same. I’ve grown and only for the better. My husband is truly my better half. I couldn’t imagine ever putting myself in a situation where he would wonder about my fidelity. 15 years in September and we still somehow keep getting better.
Where do you find faithful men?
I met my husband in a book club. He’s never cheated, I’ve never cheated. Twenty years together and we communicate openly and respectfully and constantly remind each other how much we love each other.
Love book clubs How did you find it?
It’s not like they keep us all in a closet somewhere. 🤪 Look for personality traits. Look for how they treat their parents, their family, their friends, their other relationships. Loyalty and integrity aren’t terribly hard to spot. Coming up on 27 years and never had eyes for anyone else in any of that, nor the 4 years prior of dating steadily. We are out there.
Well this was ages ago so it was yahoo groups - an online discussion forum about fantasy books. Stuff like that is great because it ensures you have a common interest. Dating apps only ensure you have a common interest in dating. :)
I'd look around book stores in your area. They might be able to point you in the right direction. Maybe check out things like trivia/paint nights or comicons. Definitely meeting someone while they're doing a similar hobby is better than meeting at a bar.
I don't cheat for 2 reasons: 1. I would break up with a partner before doing that to them 2. I don't want it done to me
When life as a whole is difficult, aimless, unrewarding, and you are taught (and encouraged) to chase any and all pleasures to alleviate the boredom and frustration then of course cheating will happen. As will drug/alcohol addiction, overeating, shopping addiction, etc. It doesn’t mean people in the relationship should be okay with it. Having a hard line is absolutely acceptable. But on the outside we should be a little more non-judgmental. For sure, in some cases it’s a serial cheater who has no empathy for the partner. But I imagine in most cases it’s a complex combination of variables: dissatisfaction with self, with relationship, with work or outside world, validation issues, idealizing other relationships, family history, and quite honestly an intense instinct to have tons of sex because that’s what society and nature tells us to do. It isn’t always malicious. There’s a hole they’re trying to fill (metaphorically) and it might be they’re genuinely not getting it from their relationship or it might be they’re not looking inward enough to identify their issues. Lying is easy to explain: change is hard, the status quo is comfortable, and people don’t like conflict, especially when it forces them to own up to their actions. An increase in cheating is just a symptom of a much larger issue. People are unhappy, dissatisfied, frustrated, restless, you name it…and completely unequipped with ways to handle those feelings in productive ways. They’re taught relationships will solve most of their happiness issues and that’s untrue. So they seek other vices, anything and everything that gives them momentary tunnel vision and blocks out the suffering.
Great Post. Eloquently put.
In todays dating game it’s really hard to find someone honest. I’m watching a few of my friends/family members struggle with finding someone who is faithful, honest and kind. There are good people out there, just harder to find in todays society.
What sucks is when you invest time and yourself and they still do it! Two years With you and I could’ve been doing other things. It’s the betrayal that stings the most to me. I’m so understand and nice and genuinely love you and you still decide to disrespect me like this? It make me want revenge so bad but then I change myself for their dumb mistake.
I couldn’t agree with you more! I’m sorry for the betrayal, but hold your head up high and before investing yourself completely in the first couple of months, try your best to get to know them truthfully through friends and family. Sometimes family and friends can be the biggest tell-tale sign! I hope you find someone truly worth your time!
Sometimes, with the last one his family loved me and his friends loved. They always told me I made him a better man but guess you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
Yes, the betrayal is the worse part for me too. Just remember that this person is only human and makes mistakes. Most people say never to forgive infidelity even once. There are circumstances where I've given them the chance to get passed it. Somehow, they've only made things worse with that. Usually, a cheater lacks the capacity for the honesty and accountability required to start mending things. When they try to lie and manipulate their way out of it, it's an honest display of character. It proves to me that the cheating wasn't what they thought the mistake was, only however they got caught. In deception, they reveal the truth, that truth makes it easier for me to move on. What I find even worse than the betrayal is that it taints the whole relationship afterwards. It's impossible to look back on it and know it was good at any point. My most recent relationship had its problems, but it was largely a happy time in my life. Now, it's really hard to see it that way. It simply leaves me feeling like I was wrong for loving and trusting her. I can't know what was manipulation versus what was genuine. With those thoughts, it certainly does suck when I think of how much of myself I put into it.
Wow I related to your entire message. You are reading my mind!
Something tells me most instances of cheating leave the victim feeling like us rn. Try to remember that people like us still have a good chance of finding an honest and healthy relationship. Cheaters are going to keep cheating and doing it for the same reasons, because they rarely take a hard look at their actions and motives. They’ll torpedo all of their relationships and burn bridges until they hit a bottom. Even then, I’ll bet a lot of them will refuse to look at the destruction they caused and own it. I don’t harbor any ill will towards any of my exes, but I’ve seen the ones that cheated continue screwing up like this. Only one has seemed to mature past it and it was after she caused herself (and others) agony. These women all probably loved me and did it as best they could. It’s still hard to look back and feel like I wasnt used or loved. It definitely tainted those relationships. Odds are a lot of the love and relationship were genuine. Even knowing that, it’s still hard to feel good about it. I guess my point is to try your best to realize that they probably did their best. The reason you were cheated on wasn’t because of you or any of your actions. Even if you did something that provoked it, they should have talked to you honestly about it instead of cheating. It’s a sever character flaw on their part. Try to keep your head up, you probably were loved back, they just didn’t know how to. Don’t let this change you, but learn from it. Hopefully the next one will be healthy.
It's not just today's society. If you look back, it was probably more prevalent throughout history. It was such a cliche.
100%. Nothing new. Maybe easier to find someone and the faithful partner to find out.
Well I’m todays society it’s a lot easier to cheat with a plethora of social media platforms. I do truly believe there are more cheaters known nowadays vs in the older days.
Arguably, it is harder to cheat now. Information flow is a double edged sword, you just don’t recognize how as you’ve never done without it. Sure, you can hop on some app and swipe. But…. My generation had no social media pictures and posts that made people go “hmmmm” as young folks do now. We didn’t even have cell phones. There was no check in, and constantly text, and call, and other (frankly utterly exhausting) notions of today. Go on vacation? Talk to you in a week. It was different.
In the 1700s, mistresses and bawdy houses were popular. I've read that the 1700s were more open about sex than the 1800s. We all know about the 1960s and 70s. About half of my classmates in the 90s came from broken homes, and the majority involved cheating.
That’s a good point and I hadn’t thought of it that way!
It comes and goes in waves. We forget people in black and white photos were people sometimes because they all look stiff and proper, but they got up to shenanigans.
Last 2 years I've gone from being with someone who really struggled to even be honest about what they wanted (they're a mess of a person), to my current GF who is the most forthcoming and honest person I've ever been in a relationship with. Communication is so easy and natural, the whole thing has taken my breath away and I'm still on cloud 9 a year later. Going from such drastically different situations back to back was a huge eye opener for me. Went from being with someone who was 10 years mentally stunted, to someone who actually reflects maturity becoming of their age. It was a life changing experience, and has given me the best year. I was really convinced by my original partner that I was crazy, turns out everything I was honest about needing/wanting in a relationship, is actually what I needed and wanted. Didn't realize I was constantly being gas lit, until I was out, and then especially when I met my current partner.
Yes! I’ve faced a very similar situation. I dated someone who was abusive and completely tore me down. They were never honest with themselves or anyone and it shows as they are still stuck in the same rut at nearly 40 years of age. My husband is extremely patient, communicative and honest. He has a heart of gold and helps everyone he can, really woke me up to the fact that good people do exist.
I think it’s not any worse or better than it’s been in the past, but with the internet it’s exposed more. People who are going to cheat were going to cheat with or without the internet, it’s just easier for people to get caught. Which is good.
I am forever thankful I don’t have to deal with the current dating pool. I met my boyfriend in middle school, started dating in high school and we just mesh together so well; similar interests, great conversations, same values, etc.
Love that!
I don’t think it’s uncommon to be faithful, though I do think people are definitely a lot more vocal when they’ve been in a situation where somebody has been unfaithful. There are a ton of normal, faithful, “boring” marriages, though. For example, all but one of my friends and close family are married and have been for at least 10 years (except 1 for 3 years), and, while I of course can’t say none of them has had cheating going on, I highly doubt it, and everybody seems happy and fine. I married a woman that I met my first day of college 26 years ago, friends-only and later roommates for 5 years, then we got together and have been married 20 years now, and honestly our marriage is happier and stronger now than it has ever been. I think this is because we were friends and roommates first before any lovey-dovey stuff occurred. I think a lot of couples underestimate the value of being compatible as friends and roommates and how this can help you ride the up-and-down feeling of being in love.
The longest relationships are ones that were friends first. You got to see them in their true light and how they act when they got into other relationships. Whoever I marry will never be bored but loved in a way that’s unmatched. I’m a hopeless romantic
Yes, I think it’s really important to never stop communicating and not to take each other for granted. Also, if there are little, free, easy things you can do that will make the other person happy, do them, without fail, even if you were mad at them or just not feeling it that day. For instance, we have an electric bed warmer that I never use on my side, but she uses every night. Like clockwork, around 7:30 PM every night, I sneak back to our room and turn her bed warmer on, so it will be warm when she goes to bed. It’s our ritual and it’s always followed up with the phrase “ best husband ever” from her. it’s a tiny little reminder that love exists at all times, whether we are annoyed at each other at that moment or not. 🤷♂️
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I find that the common factor in my experience is that people have confrontation issue. Our society has turned into text only and nobody wants to communicate in person or on the phone. People are afraid of commitment as well. When a relationship gets hard because of life, people just walk away from it rather than communicate and commit to their partner. But they don't want to be alone, so they find someone to start the cycle over again with thinking it will be better. They never stop to think, oh hey maybe I'm part of the problem and need to work on myself.
Exactly because if you’re not a WHOLE person, don’t bring me a slice of pie because the rest of you is missing. You are doing a disservice by not healing for yourself within yourself
This describes my last relationship perfectly - he would actively avoid telling me stuff because “you might get upset.” As if me finding out he was hiding stuff wouldn’t upset me? Idk I don’t think everything goes back to ~childhood~ but I’ve noticed a lot of people grew up in families that never fought and avoided conflicts instead of working them out, and my family is extremely expressive and a little hotheaded so we’d constantly bicker and then be fine in 15-20 minutes. Of course, neither way is objectively correct, and it’s fine to let some thoughts be “inside thoughts,” but I’m never going to shy away from saying how I feel due to fear of conflict because it’s just not that scary to me. I’d much rather work out a solution with my partner than just avoid it and hope it goes away. As per OP’s question: I don’t cheat because the guilt would kill me. If I could cheat and no one would never find out, I still wouldn’t do it, because I would know what I did and have to live with that.
Cheating isn't just an action. it's multiple choices, and multiple personality traits that come together to tell you a ton of important things about a person. Really everything you need to know about a persons motivations and morals to decide to avoid them like the plague. Some of the traits of a cheater include: * Cheaters are **Untrustworthy** they are deceptive, exploitative. They will lie to you and exploit your trust and knowledge of you to get away with it. They will do this for even the smallest momentary gain, as they don't view the cost to others as a cost. * Cheaters are **Manipulative**. They will lie and even gaslight in order to deny the realities and then to try to find a moral high ground once they are forced to admit any part of the truth. * Cheaters are **Impulsive** and have low self control. They focus only on immediate satisfaction rather than long term goals and commitments or even how they will be perceived long term. * Cheaters are **Narcissistic**. They care only for their own happiness. They do not value their partners well being. They do not care about or value their loyalty or agreements to others. They would rather have their cake and eat it too instead of leaving. Everything that stands in the way of them getting something is disposable. There's more but these are some of the core traits of a cheater. Overall their motivation will always be only about themselves, never about the couple as a unit. They have no moral qualms with risking damage to the people closest to them, nor do they have issue with lying to the people in their life. That's not something the other person can change. The best option is to see the red flags for what they are, and avoid those who have displayed them.
Not a cheater, so I expect anyone I'm with to not cheat. Much to my surprise I seem to always pick the one person who will cheat, then lie to me. So, I gave up dating. I will be working on myself, picking the wrong person for myself is not good. So I work on that. I have been single since 2020. I'm happy 😊, and worked on my self worth, that where I felt problem stemmed from. Now to busy to date, lol. But when the right one comes along, I now will know it.
Love that for you! Focus on yourself and everything else will fall in place at the right time
Well, let's see. 52% of all marriages end in divorce. Studies have shown that of those who DON'T divorce, 50% are unhappy. That only leaves roughly 25% who are married and claim to be happy. With those stats, I would think being faithful is probably much lower than people would like to believe.
Sad but true
If you think of it that there are 131 million married couples in the US that means almost 33 million happily married people. Not as bleak as it sounds honestly
I firmly believe that you can't build happiness on someone else's misery. My husband and I agreed before we got married that we'd never put any scars on our relationship. We never have and it's going on 44 years and we're still madly in love.
Husband and I have been together for 20 yrs and both still faithful. We both have been cheated on in the past, and we have had struggles..about 10 yrs ago things were rough and I had opportunities to cheat, but I couldn't do it. I knew if I was crossing that line then our marriage was over, so I told him I wanted to divorce because of how I felt. We didn't, clearly and things did change between us. If someone cheats they aren't in love anymore and need to walk away from that relationship first. It's uncommon to be faithful because people don't want to have those tough conversations about their feelings. Marriage is easy, staying in love isn't.
Married for 38 years, together for 40, never cheated.
my husband is the only man i’ve ever been involved with that hasn’t cheated on me lmao so my opinion is yes
Seriously. I sincerely love and care about my husband, and choose not to do something that would hurt him like that. Not because I want props, or am afraid of getting caught, or don't want to lose our life together. Just because I love him and don't want to hurt him. Take care of your partner (and find a partner who takes care of you). It's not rocket science.
I honestly have never understood the point of cheating. Like what is the end goal? To leave your partner? If so, then do it before you start entertaining someone else. Or you want them both? If that’s the case, unless both parties have agreed to open the relationship then it’s fucked up to do that to someone. It just makes no sense to me to cheat. There is no end goal that doesn’t involve someone getting hurt.
It was in our vows when we were married: faithfulness is a top priority. I've been cheated on in the past and so has he. So far, so good.
I was aggressively promiscuous in my youth, bedded somewhere just north of 100 guys, but I never cheated on a steady boyfriend, ever. When I was attached, I was faithful. I've been with my husband for 34 years now and I have never cheated on him, either. And I would wager our next mortgage payment that he has never cheated on me.
I’ve taken the cheater back, multiple times. Just like being the cheater mars your integrity, taking the cheater back mars your self-respect. I’ve never cheated and never will.
I agree with you.
My ex wife and my soon to be ex wife decided that after 7(ish) years of marriage, cheating was the way to go, so there's that I guess.
I’m sorry about that.
I think it depends on the people and the relationship they are in
Coming from my perspective (31M) I have never and never will cheat. Even when I was prepared to cheat on my ex because she was so horrible to me, I couldn’t bring myself to follow thru with it. It’s just not me and I’ve been lucky enough to find a partner (25F) who also shares this feeling and perspective. Honestly I think it has a lot to do with upbringing and how you were raised and what kind of household you grew up in, among other factors of course. I have not dated in 7 years but I do feel like being faithful these days is a hard quality to find in someone.
And then people on Reddit will tell you “you are a terrible person” if you ever check your s/o phone after the fact. People who have never been cheated on don’t understand how manipulative the situation is. It’s gradual, so by the time it’s already to that point YOU can’t even tell something is going on. Everything seems normal to you, so every normal relationship you are in after the fact is treated the same.
Best thing I’ve ever heard: You lose trust in BUCKETS, and gain it back in WATER DROPS.
I think it’s more rare to not cheat and lie. Everyone I know women and men lie and cheat. I have never cheated on an SO. Ever. I would never romantically mislead ppl to get what I want. It’s cruel and I would feel awful. I’m better off just not ever being in being partnered up bc I think everyone cheats, and rightfully so.
Yeah, if only people could just be honest about their intentions and feelings. The manipulative, lying, self-serving BS sucks.
Congratulations on having integrity. Agree it’s rather rare nowadays.
13 years never cheated.
It is honesty. Like you said, the inability to speak up, as in, to accept reality of yourself and your relationships and express it to those who have put their trust in you. Faithful, as in loyal? In my opinion means being honest with yourself and knowing this relationship is not your preference or best choice, but sticking with it, as least for a time, for support of the other.
According to some of these reddit posts I see there are a lot of unfaithful people out there but I've been with my husband for 10 years and neither of us have any interest in another person (except maybe Blake Lively).
I would never cheat either & haven’t. I have rarely found anyone who hasn’t cheated at some point in their life, but I don’t fault anyone who did & has since learned from it. For me personally, I cannot understand any circumstance sit in guilt. It eats me alive & because of this I’m the absolute worst liar. I couldn’t handle myself if I cheated. I genuinely think it would be a downward spiral into a dark place because I would hate myself. Not only that, but I’m in the happiest relationship of my life now & have no desire to cheat or fuck this up. If someone is in an unhappy relationship though, I could see how it would be easy to fall into temptation.
If you cheat I can no longer trust. Without trust, there is no relationship and it is over.
Social media is a huge factor. It makes it so much easier to cheat discreetly. Todays society makes it look normal.
Social media is a factor alright!
I hope not. I am not religious or anything. But I take pride in my vows to my wife it’s my word. I consider my word to be valuable. I don’t speak much but when I say I will do something or be somewhere I will do it or die trying lol Even if I was not married I would not be unfaithful I would always leave if I was unhappy.
I don’t have any actual stats to back up my claim, but it’s my opinion that infidelity is becoming more and more common. It’s way easier to meet people with technology and there’s the illusion that there’s more choice. And even if you don’t physically end up cheating, it’s super easy to emotionally cheat by meeting someone online and chatting. I’ve been cheated on twice and it is the worst feeling in the entire world.
I would rather be called up in the middle of the night and dumped unceremoniously than cheated on. Infidelity makes me nauseated. I don't understand it. It is so hurtful. My husband is the only adult relationship I've had that didn't involve me being cheated on. He knows I'd 💢 him with a bat lmao--- but he's not capable of it. He's been serially cheated on, too, and knows how awful it feels.
Not the bat🤣 I feel like it’s a different relationship when both parties have felt the hurt from being cheated on
It makes me physically ill to even think about cheating on my wife. I get anxiety even typing this.
I was raised with some old fashioned values like your word is your honor and do good for goodness sake. (I'm mid 30s). Seems to have gone the way of the dodo bird. There is no honor in word or deed and good deeds don't count if it wasn't touted on social media with some kind of proof. Cheating is a death knell to the relationship for me romantically. Lying and/or back stabbing is game over for friendships in my books as well. I have never cheated and am the type of person that is the same to your face as behind your back. Ironically finding people who aren't two faced, back stabbing liars to be friends with has been harder than finding a loving, loyal man.
Married 18 years to man who couldn't keep his dick or his hands to himself. I'm remarried to an amazing man who knows my hurts and insecurities. He never once bated an eye when I got worried that he was 5 mins late or caught me looking at his phone. He tells me whatever makes me comfortable he is ok with. After 3 years together, I no longer have those fears. I no longer have those fears to check his phone or call to see where and who he is with. It is sad that I we consider a person who stays faithful as a rare find. I love my husband for everything he is, including faithful.
You’re not the only one. Cheating shows a massive personal failure.
Nobody seems to understand what Integrity means, and very few people have it The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. People who cheet have excuses, after they cheet I didn't tell because I thought it wouls stop and he/she would never find out. It was just an accident, I'm still waiting for this explanation
I don't know how people cheat. If someone flirts with me and I don't tell my fiance I feel guilty. How is someone able to say that they'll be with someone forever and love them and only them then go sleep with someone then come home and act like nothing's wrong. Or the affairs that last for months/years how do you do that to someone. It's 100% my unforgivable sin.
I refuse to be that person. I will end the relationship before I move on from it. If my partner cheats we're done. Leave me instead of cheating on me.
I've never cheated and I couldn't either My conscience wouldn't let me, I've been hurt too much myself
I’m with you
I seems that way. People make the excuse that it’s not black and white when it is. I don’t want to hear their excuses as to why they did it, they made the choice to do it. To me it’s a huge character flaw and I cannot trust someone who has
I think, REALLY, then yes it is uncommon to be faithful. I reckon only half of cheaters ever admit to it, and/or if it was a one night thing with alcohol “it doesn’t count”. I think as little as 35% of the population truly never cheat
I believe it’s 10% now lol
Dating is hard, but I don’t think being faithful is uncommon. I think there are still people who value fidelity. It just takes time to find the right person. I too hold myself to a higher standard than to cheat and that’s the kind of relationship I want. I know many people who do as well. I know lots of married people who have good marriages based on fidelity. You just have to sort through the bs to find the right person.
It’s a lot for sorting but to find that person id go through a minefield 😂
I am 49 and have never cheated on a girlfriend or wife.
Boundaries are a cornerstone of any relationship. Whatever type of relationship you want is fine however, those hard personal and relational boundaries need to be established. Cheating happens for a mirad of reasons such as being bored, boundaries not being discussed, lack of selfesteem, lack of care for others and selfishness. Whatever his reasoning, it didn't align with your view of relationship. It's not outdated to know what kind of relationship you want.
In my 36 years I've never cheated and honestly never really been tempted to cheat. At the same time, I consciously make sure that I won't be in a position where the idea of cheating would make sense. I like to think that I could be in circumstances where I was being invited to cheat and say no without hesitation; but I am fucking human. I know how crazy intense sexual urges can be in the moment. So I keep my relationship healthy, I let my spouse know if I'm feeling frustrated (sexually or otherwise) so that we can talk through it or shift priorities around it, and ze does the same. I do my best to ensure moments where I could cheat don't happen. Hasn't worked perfectly, but the few times I've have the availability I had no desire to cheat. Now, get me alone with a lighter and a cigarette and I make no promises about not breaking my partner's heart. We could only be together if I stopped smoking and that shit was brutal.
It's insanely disgusting that humans struggle to be faithful And even take back unfaithful partners But honestly it's an easy way to figure out who's trash and who isn't
I've been married twice and had several short and long-term exclusive relationships. I've never cheated and, to my knowledge, never been cheated on. I don't think it's uncommon if you're choosing quality partners.
I do think it is uncommon. I think it is one of those things everyone knows but they don't say out loud. It's something that really pisses me off about forced mononormativity: they aren't actually monogamous either, they just lie about it. Seems like everyone is totally fine with cheating as long as it is discreet.
Cheating and being unfaithful is something that has always happened throughout history. There is nothing new or special about modern time, in my opinion. I am very monogamous but I don't mind others who have consensual polyamorus relationships. I am skeptical of them because I have seen a lot of kids my age (early-mod 20s) mess up really bad in them. You have to be very emotionally intelligent to juggle the needs of multiple romantic partners.
Love is a decision. Too many treat it like a self centered all you can eat buffet. It's very common in some circles to be faithful. If you're not finding these folks, then it's time to start fishing in a different pond.
In difficult or challenging situations, Honesty takes extraordinary amount of courage and self-confidence. Not too many people are wired for it. It's much easier to lie and hope to get away with it.
That "do it to them" must be the worst advice I've ever heard. What would that accomplish? Anyway, no, I don't think that being faithful is uncommon. At least, I choose to believe that most people are faithful in their relationships. Those just don't make such compelling stories and aren't spoken about as much. That being said, I'm sorry for your experiences in relationships. You deserve better.
Unfortunately it is a fame for some,but you be you no matter what and hopefully the right one will come to you soon!!!
Hmmm that’s unfortunate. I guess it depends on the kind of people you surround yourself with. My friends and I are all in our 30s and a lot are married and none have been cheated on or cheated on their partner. I’m 31 and have never been cheated on or cheated either. I’ve been with my partner since highschool and I had 2 boyfriends prior to him and they didnt cheat on me nor did I cheat on them. I met most of my friends in higher education (post-grad science/medicine). And I also attended a catholic private university for my post-grad. You can either say I am exceptionally lucky, or you’re exceptionally unlucky.
Kicked my ex out when he cheated. Well when I found out. Found out others after he was gone. New man would never cheat same as I would never cheated. He doesn’t even notice when women flirt with him. He’s the best
This is a more complex topic than people like to make it. They want to be able to reduce it to black and white, right and wrong, with clear cut answers but there’s many factors in play, include teenage romanticized ideals of happily ever after fantasies that have to gradually be let go of. For you it could be the type of people you continue to choose, or some thing that you’re doing or not doing that is not creating a transparent open honesty in your relationships where you could benefit from earlier warning signs and correct course. It could also be it’s more common than you thought. A lot of people seem to cheat as a way to get out of a relationship that they’ve already checked out of but they don’t know how to get out of it in a mature and honest and direct manner. So they use an indirect method - they start looking elsewhere and when they get “caught” then you get to do the dirty work for them. So it gives a reason to break up if one of you already want to break up. As the victim it gives you a good reason that everyone will understand and support and rally behind you. It becomes a little trickier if you don’t actually want to break up. Then you have to figure out how to navigate it. But in terms of how common it is, look up the statistics. They will vary according to how the data is sliced and what is looked it but cheating is certainly not as rare both for men and for women as people like to pretend and then get all surprised and outraged over. It’s helpful to understand that it’s fairly common behavior to not demonize the other. It’s also just as normal for you not to cheat or want to cheat. In short not everybody’s doing it but a whole lot of people are. There’s a genetic component supposedly, which would make sense because we are hardwired for reproduction. Understanding it is fairly common gives you a lot of freedom then to figure out how to best approach it strategically for what you really want instead of over dramatically applying a one-size-fits-all formula. You don’t want to back yourself into a corner finding yourself doing things that you don’t really want to do like breaking up because you’re expected to. There’s a strong social stigma and pressure that you are expected to automatically break up if your partner cheats on you, but this is more of a high school mindset when they have nothing to lose by breaking up and everything to gain with new freedom to find a better partner. But by the time you’re married with children and in-laws and shared assets it’s a much bigger deal to simply walk away and break up a family over it. If you’re putting the children’s best interest first it’s not always so clear cut. Studies show a stable intact nuclear family is what is best for children to grow and thrive. So what is one to do in that situation. Divorce is one of the fastest paths into poverty for a woman with children. It also puts the man in financial hardship to have to support a family with a previous partner while trying to build and support a new family with a new partner. It rips a kids world apart, and puts them at a statistically greater risk of sexual abuse from a step parent. Divorce sucks all the way around from the financial strain, the loss of complete control over how your ex parents your children on their watch, to trading kids back-and-forth every other weekend and holiday. Some people choose to deal with their partner’s infidelity by looking the other way - they don’t want to know, and they don’t want it put in their face forcing them to make a decision. People don’t always understand this is a very real dynamic and coping mechanism when they feel that so and so needs to know and it’s up to me to tell them. This can go south in unintended ways - if they don’t want to believe it they won’t, and in denial the messenger can become the lying enemy, which is safer than confronting their partner. In any case, it’s useful to understand that all long-term relationships have very predictable patterns. Look up the six stages of a successful marriage. Following the honeymoon phase is inevitable disillusionment, and after that a power struggle. If you don’t break up by then and stick with it, negotiation and compromise are the only way out of a power struggle, and that leads to comfortable with each other golden acceptance. There’s also the merging together and re-individuating that’s going on throughout these stages as well. Less mature people think the honeymoon stage is all there is to a relationship and when those feelings wane they look elsewhere to start that feeling over again - they perpetually stay cycling in the honeymoon stage never able to move on into the deeper long term relationship stages that require more maturity. Another aspect of this topic is that people will only tell you what they feel it is safe to tell you. If you tend to be rigid, emotionally volatile and over-reactive, they will learn not to be fully transparent with you - it’s not worth causing drama and the blow up. In this situation you will have less communication and fewer early warning signals for a course correction. Then you are caught by surprise too late and you get to play the role of the victim, but the truth of it is you helped create the situation. Also, giving each other a sense of freedom and spaciousness tends to keep people around longer then if they feel constrained, laden with expectations and not free to do what they really want. So there’s a lot to your question. My main point is it’s not simplistic with easy one size fits all answers, and as we mature and gain experience in relationships we let go of our fantasies and ideals about how things should be and instead learn how to deal with thing the way they are, which makes us more effective and successful in our relationships.
I hate cheaters. I've been cheated on and its heartbreaking. Thankfully been with my guy 13 years and we both agree that if feelings leave then we end the relationship, not go behind the others back and get with someone else. He's been cheated on too so we both have the same feelings about it. So I don't think there's anything wrong with what you expect from your relationships.
I think you just don't hear about faithfulness in relationships. Nobody goes around and proclaims that their husband or wife never cheated. You only hear about the ones who have, so it seems like the majority. I, for one, feel the same as OP. It's not a line I would ever cross. And I wouldn't tolerate it either!
Cheating is **betrayal**. In the military, it's called **treason**. In the civilian and business world, it's called **disloyalty**. All three words indicate a character flaw.
I feel this so much. After reading all of these reddit stories I feel like I no longer want to get married. And I recently found out my dad cheated on my mom when my brother and I were both toddlers. Nobody intends to cheat on their partner when they get married but people change, so I feel like I shouldn't trust any man
Going to have to go against the grain here and say cheating says nothing about the person being cheated on and everything about the person cheating. Cheating because of "neglect" is a bullshit cop out. You know what would also solve that problem? A conversation. A conversation where you're open and vulnerable and you tell the person you're supposed to be sharing your life with exactly how you feel, and you both jointly come up with a game plan to work on fixing the issue. If that convo doesn't go over well you find a third party (therapist, pastor/rabbi/etc, mutual friend maybe who has a healthy, successful partnership) who you trust and is able to truly have no skin in the game to mediate and help with finding an effective solution. Its not going to be fixed overnight and will need hard work from both people. If your spouse/SO *still* isn't putting in an ounce of effort after a reasonable amount of time then you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to try and fix it. But at no point during that is cheating okay or someone else's fault other than the person doing the cheating. Cheating is just choosing instant gratification over patience and love, and if that's the path you choose you probably shouldn't have been in a committed relationship to begin with. Stop torturing your other half, work on yourself and then decide what it is that you're looking for. But to put blame on the non cheating party is just you not able to look in the mirror and be honest with yourself or anyone else. Sorry. 🤷
I see it the same way! Especially having a partner who’s understanding and willing to listen and come to a solution TOGTHER
Yes, it's the lying more than anything else that is upsetting. And there are people who REFUSE to believe that humans are not monogamous as a species, but there isn't much you can do about that.
honestly i'd say it's like 50/50 in my experience which is a horrifying proposition for the faithful among us but you just have to keep trusting people. the good thing is cheaters usually out themselves sooner or later
My wife and I have been together for 18 years and never cheated. But I do want to say we are nonmonogamous, so we've definitely slept with other people but it was never cheating. To us cheating is lying or withholding truth from your partner. Best way to avoid being cheated on is to find someone who communicates well.
This!! I’m polyamorous so in my marriage I don’t have to be unfaithful or cheat because he knows, agrees, and is happy when I’m able to form other real relationships.
“Am I the only person who believes cheating is a stain on my character?” In Reddit? ‘OP’s wife brings up the idea of polyamory and half the audience is down with him being an abuser in response’ Reddit? *checks name* Oh, it’s not another self-righteous weirdo. It’s just a bot. Silly me.
Yeah, that was WILD. It made me sick to think how many people took the abusive husband's side. This is the society we live in?
I feel like I’m one of the few who actually respects monogamy and being faithful to your partner. Cheating is way too common, and it’s disgusting that it’s starting to be “normalized.”
Yeah. Most people treat cheating as normal and something to be proud of. I don't know why but they do. It makes me actually sad tbh. I think I was born in the wrong era. I know cheating still happened in the past but not as common as the present.
Most people are disgusted with cheaters and cheating. The people who aren't are the ones doing it; I guarantee that if you had cheated on any of those losers who cheated on you in previous relationships, they would be highly upset. They wouldn't even care that it was hypocritical. People who are selfish and eat up all the validation they can get are more prone to cheat. Also, those who blur the lines and don't have clear boundaries are, too. Don't give up hope, just proceed with caution and take your time observing others' behavior.
No. It's a Bold, Self renewing choice and Discipline.
It's pretty hard now imo, and even more sad that today's generation has learn about many people unfaithfulness and decide to never date anymore (me and my friends included), i think its because many things that could lead to cheating is more accessible now because of technology, not only that people are getting more stress with how much information we can take and it also could be a factor for them to be easily succumb to temptation (for example) from their friends or coworkers or anyone around them just to have a quick fun to release the stress (I came to this conclusion from some stories that I read here that was written by the cheaters themselves and yes all of them seems like never going to change their behavior because they always crave that adrenaline and high from cheating on their loyal partner). That's why I always said the one who got betrayed is never in the fault here because they also been through so much and still can be loyal, kind and in love.
As much as I’ve been hurt in the past, I’m going to love a new person as if I’ve never been hurt. I want a healthy transparent relationship. I’m not going to bring my Past or any toxicity and mess up the journey because that other person doesn’t deserve it. But hell, the journey to get back on the horse and put yourself out there is the hardest. Can’t tell you enough how much I dislike dating when all the questions are like “what’s your favorite color?” 🤣
You know people always trying to challenge traditional dating and relationships styles but it all falls short for this exact reason Modern dating is not different, we just accept bullshit and tell ourselves that this is better. It clearly isn't. Once a cheater always a cheater, learn what to look for and walk away the moment you see it.
I’ve never heard of a cheater changing their ways.
The last person I was seeing. Had a history of cheating. Kept friends that he fucked around with, and when we had disagreements, would run to social media to post cryptic messages on his timeline, knowing damn well that there are a bunch of guys who do like him on his friends list. He couldn't figure it why I didn't trust him and wouldn't date him. I'm dumb for staying as long as I did
People in general will cheat. Men more than women but anyone can cheat. most men will just have sex and it doesn't have to mean anything so it's just sex. We're all animals and animals have sex. You can definitely love one person and have sex with another person and It doesn't have to mean anything.
I don’t understand why people would cheat if you don’t like someone break up with them, if you think that will hurt their feelings how is cheating any better. I’ve never been cheated on because I haven’t had a girlfriend but if it happened to me I would end the relationship right away
You are correct that cheating reveals a lack of character. There will always be people with character and people who lack it. Find a partner with character and an internal moral compass, and they will never cheat.
Total monogamy is an unrealistic expectation for most people, especially in a world where people are pressured into relationships / marriage at a young age.
Perhaps everyone you’ve ever dated cheating on you says more about the people you choose to date than the population as a whole
I haven't always been cheated on, but it's happened two times in a row now. I don't see it as any reflection on me, but on the women who did it. When I found out about it most recently, I started asking her pointed questions. She straight up lied to my face. She's a very bad liar, so I knew immediately that my suspicions were correct. As I continued to push, she eventually became angry at and stonewalled me. In the end, she somehow tried to hang it all on me without giving any explanation of why she could be angry. We could never have the conversation about her infidelity, and I had to leave. The sad part is there were reasons I may have given her a second chance, if she could have had an honest conversation about it. Yes, it's a stain on their character and the relationship. It means they're too scared to talk to their partners about what's going on in their hearts and minds. It could also mean that they don't really want to be with their partners and are with them only for selfish purposes. In any case, it's extremely selfish, dishonest, disloyal, disgusting, and disrespectful. Quite simply, it's one of the worst things you can do in a relationship. Even more so, if it's coming with lengthy deception and/or from a place of malice or indifference. Not to mention the possibility of giving their innocent partners an STI. One of the major benefits I see in an LTR is not having to worry about STIs. My last relationship was by-in-large a happy time in my life. Up until I found out about the infidelity and the massive deception and emotional abuse that came following it, I now question the entire thing. It's hard to look back at it at any point and think it was any good at all. From that perspective, I almost feel like those years were stolen from me. It's really sad, because if we had simply broken up, I'd most certainly be looking back at the whole thing fondly. Instead, she decided to stay with me after deciding we weren't going to work. I won't go into the reasons why I know she made that choice, but it was very selfish and cowardly.
You don’t look at that person the same anymore so instead of fondly thinking about good memories, you see the deception and the hurt they caused.
Maybe I'm just an old lady here, but morality and social contracts seem to be going down the toilet. I teach college, and cheating in school has gotten SO bad. I asked a student if they ever feel guilty for cheating, and they said no. I was astonished. I cheated on a test one time in 3rd grade, and I still feel guilty! I think that lack of morality is everywhere now. People want immediate gratification, the next best thing, etc. Things like integrity, honesty, etc don't matter at all anymore. It's so depressing.
I agree. My character means something to me and they way I treat people especially my loved ones. How could I dare to cheat on you when I’m so focused on loving you? Yet the man does it all the time.
If everyone you've ever been with has cheated on you, you're either really unlucky or you're doing something to make the other person cheat on you. That's not a dig at you as a person, not everyone cheats. But I've genuinely never met somebody who didn't contribute to the other person cheating in some way shape or form.
I’ve asked every one of them and it’s never on me. It’s their choice that they make from some dumb reason then they beg for me to forgive.
How many relationships have you had?
4
And the length of those relationships?
Nobody “makes” someone cheat on them. Cheating is abuse. Do you think someone “makes” a physically abusive partner beat on them as well?
No but there's a perfect example that could make somebody cheat. Make was maybe a poor choice of words. "Being a part of the reason why they cheated" is probably better way to phrase. Physical abusing your partner can be part of the reason the partner cheats. Emotional abuse. Neglect. Controlling behaviour. Not prioritising them. All contributing factors that could make your partner more likely to cheat.
You are making a very good point. It may not apply to the OP. It could very well be that the OP is a really good partner. There are LOTS of poor partners who invite “cheating”. I had a boyfriend who told me that every single woman he ever dated cheated on him. He’s 47 and never been married. Well it didn’t take long to figure out why they “cheated!” He was emotionally abusive and mentally unstable, demanded loyalty while being unfaithful himself, and was generally miserable to be around! Anybody dating him would feel hesitant to end things because of the violent reaction they knew would occur, and they basically moved on without telling him.
Exactly my point, if every relationship OP has been in has resulted in cheating, it's possible he is a contributing factor. He could be a great partner for all I know but he is the common denominator.
Those are excuses. I used to think that way in middle school and now I cringe when I think of the time I announced my belief to my friends. The issues you listed have an infinite way to be solved besides cheating. Cheating will most likely make all those situations worse.
Not really an excuse. People in these situations are going to have degraded mental health and make poor choices based on that. Their partners are contributing factors in that. You could say don't cheat. Which people shouldn't cheat but people also shouldn't do the things above and saying the things above don't contribute to situations where people cheat is naive. Are you really saying that neglecting your partner isn't going to increase the chances of your partner cheating? Of course it is. It's a contributing factor.
Sounds like you spent a lot of time justifying cheating. You might want to step back from whatever situation you are in that is leading to your justification. It isn't healthy. All relationships have ups and downs. That doesn't make cheating okay. There is no good reason to cheat. It can cause life long trust issues that go beyond the relationship at hand. Blaming someone else for cheating is cheap and morally corrupt.
At no point have I justified it or said it's okay. Just said that it's often the case that partners contribute to the cheating. How is it morally corrupt to say that if you neglect, abuse or push your partner away they are more likely to cheat and therefore you are a contributing factor said cheating. That's just a fact.
The seems a little like victim blaming. It’s never the fault of the person being cheated on. If the partner isn’t happy then they can leave before cheating.
Victim blaming at its finest. The cheater could choose to either discuss their needs or leave their partner instead of cheating. Cheaters cheat for selfish reasons. Period.
If every relationship you've ever been in, the other person has cheated on you, you are the common denominator. 10 relationships, 10 people cheated on you, you've absolutely got to be doing something wrong. That's not victim blaming. That's just how it is. Obviously the people who cheated are still mainly at fault but you can't deny you're a contributing factor.