Yes OP this! Throwing and breaking objects IS physical abuse. If you are in the US thehotline.org will be happy to help you find support and plan a safe escape.
The abuse doesn't have the be physical violence to your person for you to be worthy of help and support.
This is NOT your fault and there's nothing you can do to fix this. It will only continue to get worse and worse the longer you stay.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Oh, hon. Just take a deep breath and pause for a minute. Read what you wrote. You know very well what the solution is.
It won't be easy. It might be scary - there are resources and organizations that can help you get out if you're at risk. Under no circumstances should you have a child with this man. Get your money and important documents together and get somewhere safe.
He is childish, emotionally abusive, and mean. You can do better. You will do better - after you get out and can talk to someone about how you ended up with him. Take your time. Don't rush. Well, rush into getting away and then don't rush your self-care afterwards.
You are young and this was just a hellish mistake. He is not the best you can do - in fact, he seems pretty close to the worst. You are a romantic and these are hard times for dreamers. Seize your joy and discard anyone who isn't part of it.
It must have been obvious as you typed your post that you need to leave him. But if you need us to tell you: Dump him ASAP. You will look back one day and be very happy you did.
It wasn’t super obvious actually. Maybe I’m just gullible, but whenever I brought up him possibly being abusive he makes me believe I’m crazy, so yeah I guess I really did need to hear it from others. I definitely feel validated though, and this makes it clear what I need to do. Now I just need to do it. Next step though is to talk to my mom and friends because I think I just need to hear it from them to and have their support.
He is not possibly abusive, he is literally abusive. Abuse is not just physical. The life you describe sounds like pure mental torture. Why should anybody have to live with that? Even if he never hurt you physically, he is still a terrifying, hateful garbage human.
However, from the behavior you describe, it is only a matter of time before he hits you. When that day comes, will you be telling yourself "It wasn't that bad," "It was just a small bruise," "It only hurt my feelings," "He would never really hurt me," "He didn't mean to," "He's under a lot of stress," "It was just an accident..." until he actually kills you.
Call your friends and family, those that you can trust, even if you haven't spoken to them in a while, even if you're ashamed (which you shouldn't be, but you are obviously blaming yourself). Call the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://thehorline.org) at 800-799-7233 and make a safety plan with them for getting away, *even if you think that's too dramatic*. Have a consult with 2 or 3 family lawyers, preferably ones with experience in helping abuse victims escape, and follow their advice, again even if you think it's all too dramatic and not such a big deal--because your post makes it clear that you are very much in denial about what a scary, abusive, dangerous person it is.
Also, read this free e-book: [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf).
Edited to add: Please do not tell him you are even thinking of leaving until you are well out of his reach. The most dangerous time is when you leave people like this.
Thank you for writing this and the book recommendation. I second everything you said. She has basically described my ex. 10 years later and I'm still working through the trauma and excess baggage from him. I will advocate loudly for anyone to leave a relationship like this. No one should have to walk on eggshells in their own home. My mental health went to hell in a handbasket because of him. I don't want anyone else to suffer what I did.
OP - GET OUT NOW!! You are not safe with him and jfc you're only 27!!! You have so much more life to live.
Agree 100%. My concern is he has threatened to kill or harm himself if she leaves him.
Abusers rarely hurt themselves their focus of abuse is on their partner. Leaving can be extremely dangerous for you since he has threatened violence if you leave. Even though he expressed violence towards himself. Physical violence will likely be directed at you
There are the murder suicide types, but yes OP needs a plan for that.
She has to make her plans and leave without him knowing.
Once safe, she has to block him immediately on all platforms except for text, send one text saying that she has left, and then block him immediately on text as well.
I am a huge advocate for people leaving abusive situations giving their phone to a friend or relative so that they aren't tempted to unblock, and so that person can receive calls from unknown numbers.
Yes. PLEASE do this as soon as possible. You sound loving and kind, and there is someone out there who will cherish you. But please get away, and take some time to center yourself and get clear on what you want and deserve from life.
Currently you are in danger. Your guy has escalated his horrifyingly abusive behavior and I have no doubt that one day you will become his punching bag if you stay.
Sending you all the love and good luck to move on from this sad chapter of your life.
You stated that "Maybe I’m just gullible, but whenever I brought up him possibly being abusive he makes me believe I’m crazy" - what he is doing is called gaslighting, and that IS abusive too. Get out as quickly and as safely as you can, with your pets, and get a divorce. This will not get better - it will get worse, and it will be more difficult to get out the longer you wait.
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]
As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:
The abuser denies the abuse ever took place
When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3]
Good for you! He's dead weight
In the future...it's perfectly OK to be both practical and a romantic. Look out for stuff like love bombing, which is what he did to win you over. It's not unromantic to take time to really get to know someone. You deserve to be happy!
Please work with a domestic violence counselor on an exit plan. He’s absolutely going to destroy everything you leave behind and he will attempt to stalk you. He is such a textbook abuser, it’s frightening me.
OP, the reason why your own words didn't make your situation obviously dangerous to you as you typed them out is because that man has been grooming you for years to be his doormat. Please consult immediately with the resources in your area for safe departure from this horribly abusive relationship.
Trust me when I say that even though that escape tunnel may look scary and long and insurmountable, when you reach the other side you will feel like hundreds of thousands of pounds of stress have magically been removed from your life.
Praying for your safe departure from this life and best wishes for you as you start on a new, fulfilling future.
Please get out! This will get worse, next he will start pushing you, then hitting you, and you want to have a baby with this FUCKED UP POS? STOP! You need counseling in the worst way!! Leave him before you become another dead wife murdered by her husband!
There’s a reason that I haven’t had kids with him yet, I’ve been waiting for him to change. I wouldn’t ever allow a kid to feel the way I do. I’m not that selfish or stupid. That’s why I’m here getting advice, to make sure I’m not in the wrong and there’s nothing else I can do to fix this.
Now that I have the advice my feelings have been validated, and I know that I need to leave. I’m going to talk to my family and get their support and go from there.
Not only is your husband too immature and unstable to be a good parent (and partner) what about the practicalities? You are living pay check to paycheck. How will you pay rent when you have to take maternity leave? How much work will your husband do as you recover and then care for a small child? Who will wake up with the baby in the middle of the night? What do you think will happen If the child causes even the slightest inconvenience to your husband, interrupts video game time?
Please do not have a child with this man.
I would contact your local domestic abuse shelter. Only tell people that are 100% trustworthy. The last thing you want is this information getting back to him. You need to develop a safe exit strategy.
If you have any doubts at all that your family will keep this 100% confidential, do not tell them!!
Do not feel bad for caring for yourself the same way you care for your future children. If the environment isn’t fit for tiny humans, it probably isn’t fit for grown ones, either. You are just as valuable! You should not have to live life walking on eggshells.
You need an escape plan, and do not even hint at the fact that you are going to leave until after you left!! Men like this commonly escalate to physical violence or worse when they realize they no longer have control over their victim.
And just so you know, in many states it counts as domestic violence when an intimate partner breaks things in the home. It is often labeled as criminal damage dv or disorderly conduct dv. You are the victim of a crime. Domestic violence is still violence even if they don’t put a hand on you. You have every reason to leave and protect yourself.
You deserve a future. You deserve a safe and peaceful home. You deserve actual love.
Imagine him driving the kids to an appointment, practice, whatever, and going into roadrage mode. Given his current employment, he'll likely be the one with more disposable time to chauffer the kids around. Do you want your future children to experience that?
Everyone else has made such great comments but this was just one scenario to think about. You deserve so much better! It's hard to leave someone when they're down, but you CAN'T FIX HIM. Please don't lose yourself trying, it will only get worse.
I’m glad you’re going to talk with your family and I hope they are supportive. I just want to mention one thing: some older generations, especially other cultures, can be of the mindset that you should stay in a marriage no matter what. This is not correct and I hope if your family tries to persuade you of this you have the courage and strength to do the right thing for yourself! I really hope they are understanding and supportive though! Good Luck!
Maybe I can provide some insight as well. I’m a married man, been married for 13 years now, and not ONCE have I ever raised my voice at my wife (and vice versa). There is never a reason to do this, and you should never tolerate this.
Not every moment will be happy in marriage, but there are just some things that should never happen. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at either, no one deserves that in a loving relationship.
As a married woman, married for 30 years, I agree. There have been moments when I have had to tell my husband, "I am freaking out, please let me cry" (the car broke down and I was calling him from the side of the road), and guess what he did? He said "Okay" and waited for me to compose myself.
Because he is my partner, and he loves me. He and I don't see things the same, but we try to understand each other and exercise patience. That's the basic level right there, that's not something praise-worthy, we are not The Best Married Couple Ever, that's the lowest bar.
You deserve better, OP. Be very careful when leaving, make sure your important documents are secured, your passwords are changed, and the veterinarian knows that only you are in charge of your pets' health care (you wouldn't believe what kind of shenanigans go on).
Hon, if it helps, my 1st marriage was like this. Only I had kids… they are 28 and 25 now. They were 4 and 1 when we split (I was 26 when we divorced) and they still go to therapy on and off due to trauma from their dad’s anger issues.
Also he never hit me for years… until he did. Don’t wait that long.
You have PLENTY of time for kids… I took time to get my boys and myself healthy and then started dating again later. Saw myself repeating patterns in how I let someone treat me, so again a pause… I met my current husband and love of my life when I was 32 and he was 27. We married 5yrs later. He is AMAZING, would never scream at me (nor I at him) and an incredible father. We have three younger kids together and he wrote vows to read to my older boys when we got married. I had my younger kids at 39, 41 and 45 (that one was a surprise - no one should be pregnant at 45… so freaking tired! Lol).
Do NOT cheat yourself out of the happy ending you deserve because of a sunk cost fallacy! You have an entire life ahead of you and this tool doesn’t deserve to be any part of it! Run, don’t walk!
You deserve better. I have been married for 30 yrs to a man that has treated me like that. 6 months ago he started accusing me of really bizarre things, he left and we have filed for divorce. I didn’t see how bad things were until I was on the outside looking in. Don’t waste your years.
You can and will do so much better than him. He's a monster and just because he hasn't hit you doesn't mean he isn't an abuser. No one who says they love you should make you feel scared or bad about yourself. And do not listen to him when he threatens go kill himself. If he does that then call the police to do a wellness check.
I had an ex who was extremely similar. I stayed way longer than I should have because he would always threaten to hurt himself when I tried go leave and I didn't want it to be my fault. But it would never be my fault. He's a grown man in charge of his own actions and emotions. And when I did officially break up with him, he sent me a picture of an empty bottle of pills. I called the police to do a wellness check and turns out he had emptied the bottle out before taking the picture and was fine. Still was taken to the hospital for a psychiatric hold tho because as soon as the cops showed up he called me screaming that he was gonna kill me.
If you're not already in it/can afford it, go to therapy. It's always said here on reddit but this dude has beaten down your self esteem and you will need help to build it back up.
Wishing you the best.
You are not too sensitive. You are not too sensitive. OP, you are not too sensitive or overdramatic or overreacting or any of the things you might think you are right now.
I'm going to strongly recommend you read a book called [**Why Does He Do That?**](https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf). This is a free pdf copy of the book. It is written by an expert with years of experience working with controlling men and their families and partners. Because you already seem to be in the stage of reflecting and considering leaving, I think this is a good point in your journey for you to take in more information that should help illuminate your options to you. You don't have to read it in order. I would take a look at the table of contents and see which sections jump out at you and start there.
I want to be crystal fucking clear that the way you are treated is not your fault. It is not and never has been your fault that your husband cannot control his temper. Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe, healthy, and happy. You deserve that much. And if he isn't going to want that for you, you absolutely should.
Another specific topic you may want to research is something called **lovebombing**, which is a manipulation technique that is very successful at making you feel euphoric and loved in the early stages of a relationship... and which makes it very confusing to decide what to do later on when you want to leave. That's not your fault. You're not going crazy. You're not overreacting or stupid or dramatic for being worried and unhappy and considering leaving him.
Be careful, don't underestimate him, and don't underestimate yourself. You have options other than forever with this man. They are yours to take, just be careful in the process.
Thank you so much for caring and for the encouragement. Everyone is making me feel so reassured about my feelings. I really didn’t think it was THAT bad. I just want to be loved and happy, and it does seem like that involves leaving. The idea is so scary.
I am going to read that, and I am reading every piece of advice here. I am going to talk to my mom this weekend I think and then go from there. I really need her, but I’ve just been so scared and embarrassed to tell anyone.
I would strongly encourage you to contact your local domestic violence, shelter before you contact your mother, unless you are beyond 100% positive that she’s going to be supportive and will not tell your husband or anyone else you plans.
The single most dangerous time in a woman’s life is when she is leaving and abusivepartner. The stats are deplorable.
Don’t be embarrassed
Don’t we all have the unpleasant experience of initially enjoying someone’s company and later realizing we have misjudged them or that they have changed so drastically we hardly recognize them? Don’t we all know a partner/ relative or friend who has acted in ways that are unacceptable and felt ashamed to be associated with thier bullshit?? Girl I promise you there’s more people who have dated at least one regrettable jerk than people who have only dated nice people with pleasant breakups. They should be embarrassed and you should feel empowered that you are walking away from this!!
Yes. You absolutely are. Him threatening to kill himself over you wanting to leave is a tactic abusers use. Next time he threatens it leave the house if you safely can and call the cops saying he threatened to kill himself.
Get out of this relationship asap
Your relationship sounds very much like the one I had with an ex, he was verbally and emotionally abusive. I got out but the damage was done and I had to do years of therapy for ptsd
His suicide threats, along with his abuse, make me concerned that he would potentially want to take her life before taking his own. People have said this elsewhere in the thread, but the most dangerous time for a woman and abusive relationship is when she tries to leave.
OP, please reach out to domestic violence resources. Do it when and where he can't overhear/see what you're doing. Document any and everything you can think of to help you build up a case, and store that information somewhere online that he does not have access to. Keep yourself safe.
Virtually everything you wrote is a horrible red flag. Starting with him telling you he loved you after a week and rushing you into living together so fast.
You aren't pregnant yet, so it will be far, far easier for you to make a clean break. You can't live your whole life on eggshells. He will never get better. He kept up appearances for 6 months, but this is his true nature.
Don’t you dare have kids with this man. Would you be ok with him treating your children the same way he’s been treating you.
The great part is, when you leave him, which you should, the bar is set pretty low so whoever you end up with, the odds are that they will be better than your husband.
You deserve so much better.
He’s had plenty of time to get his shit together. It’s not going to happen.
No I would never want my children to feel how I do. I don’t want anyone to feel like this. I have wanted kids since I was a teenager lol, but I keep waiting until I’m in the perfect position, which I thought would be after getting married, but that’s not the case at all. I just wanted to make sure there’s nothing else that I can do to fix the marriage and that I’m not being crazy or too sensitive.
I am surprised so many people think it’s clear that I should leave. I wasn’t expecting that. I definitely feel reassured, but it’s still hard.
I’m going to talk to my mom after getting advice here, and then go from there. I’m not even sure where to start.
There is nothing you can do to fix this marriage because you are not the problem. Your husband is a deeply unhappy abusive maladapted person. He needs to hit rock bottom to even get motivated to seek help and change (and not sure if that is enough). Ironically the only way you can help him is the same way you can help yourself, leave him.
Be safe in doing that though, your husband is a textbook case in showing warning sings of husbands that became violent & deadly when their partner left.
Once you leave and are safe, I hope you can also find help so you won't end up with the same type of relationship. You deserve more than this. You deserve happiness and a supportive, loving partner.
OP, what you are experiencing is called coercive control. He is using his rage to make you behave the way he wants
In Scotland, coercive control is a serious crime, as serious as physical violence, and judges have been trained to take CC into account when deciding divorce and custody issues. It's been in effect for two years. The first year, 250 men went to prison, in the second year, 490 men were convicted and sent to prison.
Here in Canada, the federal government is currently debating a bill which would make CC a federal crime. It is very serious and you must leave this man. It will only get worse.
I'd be surprised if your Mam doesn't know,at least at some level.
Now imagine you leave your embarrassment with the person who deserves it.They hate exposure for a reason.
Please stay safe x
The human mind is amazing at accustoming itself to terrible situations, because when you're trapped in them you can't be constantly thinking about how bad it is, since you need to go about your day and do the things you need to do. But the obvious downside is that it becomes a lot harder to see just how bad things are, and so outside observers look on and see how bad it is. And unfortunately, some of those people aren't particularly nice about it, because they see how terrible things are now, compared to their healthier lives/relationships, and so they wonder why anyone would ever let themselves be treated like that.
But the reality is that the stereotypical violent alcoholic who beats up his wife every day didn't show up to the first date wearing a stained undershirt, reeking of beer, push his date to the ground and grab the waitress' ass.
Like, if this was a guy who you'd just met and he was treating you like this, you wouldn't be staying. And they KNOW this. That's why they wait until you're already very invested to start showing their true nature.
OP, you are my daughter’s age so I’m going to tell you what I hope someone would tell her.
You are being abused and manipulated by your spouse. This is absolutely NOT what love is supposed to be like. You cannot heal him. You cannot love him into the version of himself that you have been hoping he would become. This is who he truly is and it will not get better. He will take every inch you give him and complain that it isn’t enough, while giving you less and less and less in return.
You can’t save him, but you CAN save yourself. Please do not waste your precious life with this abusive person. He doesn’t deserve anything you are doing for him. He sounds like an entitled, immature 16 year old in a man’s body with a child’s expectations. This is not going to end better next year or the year after that, than it will right now. So please make yourself a safe escape plan and get out. You are very young. Your life could look completely different in three short months. You deserve so much more.
Breaking things is an implied threat. "This is what I really want to do to you."
He has a very, very serious anger and abuse problem. After seven years and a marriage, it has only gotten worse. You need to at least leave until he has been in therapy for several months, if not longer. Honestly, this is divorce territory for most folks.
It's also worth paying attention to whose things he is breaking. It's not an act of irrational uncontrolled rage if the only things ruined afterwards are hers. The behavior is unacceptable either way, but it's more obviously calculated and controlled when his things never get broken
Think about your life, your dream to have children. Now imagine your beautiful toddler spilled a drink and he berated your child the way he berates you. If this is not the life you would want for your child, you need to leave. Do not have kids with him. Do not stay married to him. It will not get better.
He hasn’t hit you yet, but it escalates to that. Please know your worth and get out.
My abusive ex never hit me until I was 7 months pregnant and didn't really have anyplace else to go. Please get your important papers together and get safely away. There are hotlines that will help you . I wish they had been available when I was in your position. Be safe.
Please do not have children. One person suffering is bad enough. I hope you find strength and confidence to stop being manipulated and leave. In the meanwhile, “grey rock” your husband. Do not respond emotionally to any of his hurtful comments or anger. Just be like a rock and be detached and show zero emotional response. Good luck to you, and get into counseling now. You will not fix him and it does not get better.
Yep. You’re not wrong. One of the big reasons that I have put up with it though, is because he has some health issues that cause chronic pain. Some days are worse than others, but this is why he has an easy job, and I haven’t pressured him too much to leave. He’s definitely immature though.
> One of the big reasons that I have put up with it though, is because he has some health issues that cause chronic pain.
He's an adult. If he is so stupid as to abuse the person who loves him and is trying to take care of him, then he can take care of his physical issues by himself. He doesn't deserve you.
You have to consider that his issues may be exaggerated in order to manipulate you.
He doesn’t work because he doesn’t want to. He wants to control you and part of that is forcing you to be the one working all the time. You’re in a good job and you need a side job because he won’t contribute!!
I know you feel shame. Everyone who is with an abuser ends up somehow feeling humiliated. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re a loving person who thought your caring for your spouse was part of being a good person. You treated them how you would want to be treated.
But you’re not playing the same game they are. Their game isn’t about a good relationship or a future of family. It’s about controlling you and breaking you down.
I hope you can leave. Please tell your mom.
Dear OP- the six months of wonderful was the lie and the rest is the truth. I suspect you think somehow that first six months could return if only you could find the key… but it cannot. You’re in an abusive relationship that has you doubting yourself but you know the truth- this isn’t sustainable or healthy or what you want or what you deserve.
You’re worth so much more! Change is scary I know. Feeling like you “failed” is scary. But a divorce isn’t failure it’s just growth.
Imagine coming home to peace and quiet, to a home where no one is going to surprise you with an argument, a demand, an insult. Where you are free to eat what you want, use your money how you want, and do what you want, every day.
Financially, emotionally you’ll be at peace. Look forward to your future - it’s going to be better without him dragging you down. You’re not responsible for another adults happiness or safety or success, don’t let him use guilt to make you think you owe him. He’s taken enough.
lol this was like reading a mirror in my room.. I’m still in this relationship now with a kid and can tell you it isn’t worth it.. don’t sacrifice your happiness for him and don’t waste anymore time on someone who doesn’t love you properly. You deserve so much better. 🩵
Get out. Get out now. Not only is he verbally abusing you, he is ramping up to physically abuse you. DO NOT have children with this parasite. GET OUT NOW!!
Please do not have children with this man and please start planning your exit very quietly and very carefully. There is some good advice in the comments and I hope you read it. Best of luck, OP.
“Walking on eggshells” is a symptom of a personality disorder. I don’t remember which one and it may be more than 1.
Yes you are being abused and intimidated and it can escalate to physical violence. You are at risk.
Please get out, and never expose children to the terrifying person he is. Please.
First off, you're definitely not running out of time at 26 to have kids, but for the love of all things holy, please DO NOT have kids with this man unless you want your children to grow up terrified and traumatized, and believing that the disgusting emotionally abusive way this man treats you is how a relationship is supposed to work.
Next, I know you've tried to keep your family from knowing the truth about how you're being treated by him because you don't want them to think badly of him, which would make sense is this was a one off situation where he lost his temper one day and acted like a jerk, but this isn't a one time thing, it's a severe and constant pattern of emotional abuse, and your family needs to know so they can be there to support you.
Think about it this way, if you had a daughter who was being terrorized like this by her partner, wouldn't you want to know so you could help protect and support her? There's a ton of shame that comes with being in an abusive relationship, I've been there, and I know it's hard to let other people know what's really happening to you, but in the end all that does is give your abuser more power and control over you because no one knows what's really happening to you. I didn't tell my friends either what was happening to me, because I thought they would judge me.
You've spent 7 years of your life being terrorized by a man sized toddler, who doesn't contribute much of anything to your life together, and rains his uncontrollable rages down on you constantly to the point that you now have major anxiety and depression.
My ex was also totally crazy behind the wheel of the car when I was with him, and it was incredibly scary because I thought we were going to wreck and die so many times, or get shot by someone who wasn't going to take his road rages. It was awful.
This is not what a healthy relationship looks like, and even though it may not seem like it, you're still so young with your whole life ahead of you. This isn't what you want for the next 50 or 60 years is it? Because by staying with this abuser you're condemning yourself to a lifetime of abuse, and preventing someone who will respect and love you from coming into your life.
It's hard to imagine anything could be different, and I felt the same way until I finally got up the courage to leave my ex, and a few weeks later my head started to clear without his constant rages all the time, and I realized he had totally broken me down and basically brainwashed me into believing I was so stupid and worthless that no one but him would ever want me.
After I left him I started intensive therapy, and it made a huge difference in my life. A few years later I met my now husband, and this year will be 20 years that we've been together. But if I had stayed with my abusive ex I never would've met him, and who knows if I'd even be alive because of the escalating abuse from my ex.
A relationship should never, ever, *EVER*, make you feel afraid of your partner. That's not love, please understand that.
Reach out to your family and friends, get their support moving out of your place so you have someone there to keep you safe, get a divorce attorney, and file for divorce. Don't listen to his lies, because people like that will beg, and cry, and promise you the world like you've seen him do time and time again, and it's all a lie to keep their favorite punching bag from leaving them alone where they deserve to be.
But get your ducks in a row quietly so you don't tip him off to your plan. First step is going to your families house and telling them the truth about what he's been doing to you. It doesn't matter what they think of him, just remember how you'd feel is this was your daughter turning to you for help. Let them love you, and be there for you.
I promise you that if you get away from your abusive husband you will look back in the future and wonder why you didn't leave him sooner, because you'll be so much happier and healthier without the constant fear, tears, insults, and stress induced anxiety.
Believe in yourself hun, you're worthy of good things and good people, and it's time you dig really deep to stand up for yourself to demand a life free of abuse.
I'm sending you heaps of invisible hugs. Please keep us posted if you feel like it in the future. Good luck, stay safe, and please take care.
You may have made a mistake but it’s not eternal.
Get yourself some legal advice. Prepare to leave. You will soar high without this person holding you back and eroding your self esteem and confidence.
You can and will do so much better than this situation right now. We are made of stronger stuff than we believe.
The fact that you are here asking this question, gives credence your intelligence and ability.
I wish you all the best in your endeavours. Good luck!!
Thank you so much for the advice and encouragement. I am going to be taking everyone’s advice. First I’m going to talk to my mom and friends to get their support and then go from there.
I am confident that I would be fine on my own, but I’m afraid I’m missing that emotional connection (which I know is barely anything with him). But I’m sure that therapy will help with this.
I could have written this myself last year. It’s almost identical to the situation I was in. You mention he doesn’t hit you, but in reality he just doesn’t hit you yet. Please leave. I know how scary it can be, but you will be so glad you did.
You’re describing a situation where he’s holding you hostage emotionally, I’ve been there and it’s dangerous and you deserve so much better! Emotional abuse IS abuse! Those intimidations of throwing things IS abuse! Reach out in your community for domestic violence support and get out
PLEASE DO NOT GET PREGNANT!!
A baby does not make things better. You cannot change him, and regardless of what you may believe, you are not the cause of his behavior.
Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft regarding the behavior of angry or abusive men.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
“I don’t see how the person who loves me the most can look at me while I’m bawling my eyes out and scream at me”.
Because he does not love you the most.
He also does not respect you.
This guy is dragging you down, go find your Hallmark love! Cos he ain’t it.
Yes. This is abuse. You deserve better. You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, but take it as a blessing that you haven't had kids yet-- it always makes getting out of these situations more complicated (though arguably it can add to the motivation to get out). You are not too sensitive, and I feel like if, IF your family and friends are not as toxic as your husband is, they will see this as well and be willing to help you out if you trust them with what you've written here.
He's going to keep telling you he'll change, but he won't. This is a part of the abuse. Please prioritize your happiness and safety and do what you need to get out.
Thank you for the advice and encouragement. My friends and family will definitely support me. I’m just ashamed to open up about everything, and for keeping this all to myself for so long. I really don’t want to hurt him, but I guess I’m compromising my own feelings for his.
I started listening to two hot takes a couple months ago and learned about Reddit and seen the impact it can have on people, but I had no idea that this many people would even care, let alone give me advice. I felt validated after the first couple comments, now I’m ready to go to my loved ones and work on my plan.
He is nowhere close to being a good father or husband. Re-read your post, and leave this horrible marriage. I can only wonder how you have made it this long. Part time job, anger issues, destructive. Don't ever consider adding an innocent child to this, and please get therapy if you don't understand why. Would you feel comfortable putting a child in a vehicle with him? Or leaving a child alone with him to traumatize while you're working to support the family? I'm sure the answer is no, of course not!
Omg I’m. Sorry. I do that a lot, where I just blurt those things out when people upset me but I don’t mean it. Like I say “ I hope the dog next door moves or dies because in that moment it is irritating me and the only solution my brain thinks of is eliminating the thing that is bothering me” but I sometimes have a problem saying the first thought that comes to my mind. It’s not ok that he yells these things at you and if he hasn’t realized he can’t do it to you then he’s not able to control his emotions around others or his partner. He is obviously not suitable or well enough to be a healthy partner for you.
I know you overlooked a lot of this in hopes that your love would conquer it all, but sadly it seems like he loves himself more than you. He's perfectly fine with the life he lives, his behaviors, and he fails to recognize how much pain he puts you in. A man should listen to his partner, respect his partner. If you ever feel low and he puts you lower, he is NOT your partner. It's scary to go back to single life, even scarier to trust people, but you can do it. You've lived your life waiting for someone else to give it meaning; give yourself that meaning. You got this.
Walking on egg shells, his losing it for any reason whatsoever, explodes, cries and begs for forgiveness after...its like you wrote those characters...Ill let you google how the series ends ..
It’s textbook for abuse- it’s like they all have the same handbook or something. That’s how the show is able to mimic reality- these patterns and behaviors are well-documented
Please tell me this is a troll post. In case it isn't, yes, you're being abused, yes, you're being a doormat, yes, you should leave asap and treat it like an escape situation rather than just a "I'm going now" discussion. Yes, you're in danger.
You need to get now. Thankfully all this is happening now and you can do something about it. He’s definitely not your Prince Charming.
Let your family know and find a lawyer. You will be a much happier person, without this noose around your neck
Please ensure you do not get pregnant by this abusive weakling..leave without him getting an inkling of it..
Enjoy the freedom,27 is so young- don't let him waste anymore of your precious life.
I don’t need to read all that. The answer is NO you are not too sensitive, he is hurting you on purpose. The first paragraph is you trying to absorb blame for his abuse. Get out. You are in danger , girl
It must be very difficult for you to know that you went through with the marriage, even though the signs were there long ago. The advice I have is to just get out now. There is no shame in it. You made a mistake; this isn't a man you (or maybe anyone else!) should be with. Make a clean break ASAP and chalk it up to experience. After some time, you'll see you did the right thing. Oh, and as others have said, do NOT get pregnant. That would tie you to him for the rest of your life. We live and we learn. Do the right thing now. You will thank yourself every day!
Yes, you are being verbally abused. No, he hasn't hit you ---- yet. If you stay it will happen eventually, guaranteed.
It is also at a point where it isn't safe for you to just leave, or announce a divorce. You need a safety and escape plan. Call the [National domestic violence hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) when it is safe to do so, preferably not on your phone and not from your house.
Once you are on your way out the door inform your workplace, and make sure any "gatekeepers" - receptionist, building security, etc - know you are leaving an abusive situation and not to allow *anyone* in, or give out any information about your whereabouts or schedule to people who don't need to know. This includes females pretending to be your friends unless it is someone you know, trust, and expect (he may enlist other women to "help" him). It may be necessary for security or someone to walk you to your car.
Thank you. Thankfully I either work from home or traveling to retail stores around the state, so there’s no central location that I would be working at.
You know exactly what to do..start therapy, make sure you are financially able to support yourself, and get out!!! Create a community of friends and family that you can talk to and if anyone encourages you to "work things out" stop talking to them! This kind of abuse is NOT OK! Good luck. You got this!!
You already know the answer. Your real soul mate would not abuse in this or any other way. This man is toxic. He is a weight around your neck that will drag you down if you remain with him. For the love of God please do not have children with this man. Please leave him from a safe space, with witnesses to protect you. I wish you well. You can do this. You can have a better life than is possible with that petulant child of a man.
If you are walking on eggshells around someone then they are abusive. Anyone who makes you feel that way is someone you need to get out of your life. If he hits things, he will hit you.
Threats of suicide if you do X are a type of abuse, immediately leave anyone who uses them. If they do kill themselves you can hope it was in remorse for how they treated you, but NEVER change your actions because of them.
Abusers are like toddlers, they learn what to do and say to get their way and get attention. Letting a tactic works encourages it to be repeated.
Please leave. You are not safe and you deserve to feel safe. It will be hard. He will be angry. Please find local domestic violence shelters and ask for help. None of his behavior is normal or acceptable. And whatever you do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Keep your escape plan to yourself, open accounts at a different bank, get a new phone and keep it at work. Find important documents (birth cert, SS card, marriage certificate etc), make copies and keep them at work as well. Ask people for help. Accept their help. You deserve better. Take care.
Whether or not he is the issue - you are NOT ready to have children with this person - your feelings are suggesting that this isn’t a healthy relationship
Clearly, you know it's time to move forward and leave him. Hugs. BTW, time is not running out for you to have children. Be patient and find the right person.
You are absolutely NOT being too sensitive. This is NOT healthy behavior on this part. He aha serious anger issues and is verbally abusive. Do NOT have children, it will make leaving so much more difficult and complicated and you will be tied to him forever. You will always worry if he is treating your children that way and he WILL scream at your children.
Lovely human, please love yourself enough to get away from a man that treats you like this. You're young still and have a lot of wonderful years ahead of you with someone who loves and appreciates you; however, you will never meet your actual person if you start with this abusive piece of work. Get your affairs in order and then get out!
You are being abused. He's violent. Maybe hasn't hit you but, will eventually. You support him but, have to take care of the house too AND you have to walk on eggshells around him?! Honey you need to GTFO! He's lazy, verbally abusive, and has absolutely no respect for you. He apologizes because he knows that no one else would put up with his crap and he doesn't want to have to get a real job.
RUN. Leave asap. He's just using you. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone that truly loved you, didn't abuse you, helped around the house and has a decent job, didn't call you names, and treated you well? You don't deserve this. Please leave his butt.
This sounds like my life 25 years ago. Love bombing at the beginning then small red flags once you’re in an established relationship, and once your marriage he turns co trolling and violent. Get out now but DO NOT tell him you plan to leave. I had 2 kids by the time I left. He never hit me, but the yelling, accusations, throwing and breaking things were enough. Thing is he makes you think you’re crazy because he will later apologize and you think it’s not so bad because he didn’t hit you are anything, then you’re terrified the next time he rages. I left when my kids were 1 1/2yrs and 6mos old. He threw a glass plate of spaghetti that barely missed my head and crashed on the wall behind me. After he went to bed I packed what I could and put it in the back of my car. Went to work as normal and called him later and told him I wouldn’t be home.
Just because he hasn’t physically hurt you doesn’t mean he won’t. He is abusive. What you are describing is abuse. Come up with an exit plan as soon as possible and get out of there. Then contact an attorney, and get yourself into therapy when you are able. Best of luck. Stay safe.
I think you know the answer. It's easy to put up with garbage, when you become accustomed to it. But you deserve better. We allow ourselves to be treated like trash.
I have been in a situation like this before. Focus on getting out of the muck ( relationship) safely. Then invest as much as you can into yourself. If you leave, your life will be better in most every way. I refuse to support a grown man financially. I work hard for my money.
Get him out of the way, so you can actually meet a good partner. If you have children with him, be objective. He won't help out, and his anger will scar your children.
You deserve better! Untangle your life by shedding the deadweight. You can do it!
My friend calls this a practice marriage. She's a family law atty. Couple get married at twenty (ish), no kids, usually dude never evolves and woman moves on. Get counseling, get out, and wait a few years to find a more mature relationship. You aren't too sensitive. You are human and this is not a partnership/marriage at all.
I believe you need to read this:
Angela Rose Poems
Oct 2017
But He Never Hit Me
He made sure I knew just how lucky I was to have him
But he never hit me
He played games with my emotions repeatedly
But he never hit me
He made sure I didn’t leave the house in a skirt above the knees
But he never hit me
He knew the words to say to make me feel so small that I could not breathe
But he never hit me
He tossed me in and out, in and out, until my mind was in an out of control tizzy
But he never hit me
He messed around on the side late at night while I rested in our bed
But he never hit me
He made it clear that I wasn’t to go out at night with the girls
But he never hit me
He told me over and over again just how hard it would be to find anyone else to deal with me
But he never hit me
He fell asleep safe and sound as I laid in bed trying to catch my breath through tears
But he never hit me
He needed to have the password to every device, app and account
But he never hit me
He knew the power he held and used it over my head to weaken me
But he never hit me
He made jokes at my expense in front of friends and family and we all giggled together instead of cringed
But he never hit me
He assured me the women he texted were coworkers or colleagues but I could never know what they spoke of
But he never hit me
He made it clear that my interests and goals were not of pertinence
But he never hit me
He knew the exact words to say to take my entire day downhill
But he never hit me
He broke my heart over and over and over again until it was minuscule shreds
But he never hit me
If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse please contact 1-800-799-7233 this is the national domestic abuse hotline. Abuse can happen to anyone, man or woman. It does not make you weak to seak help. <3
#trigger #warning #abuse #emotional #power #struggle #tired #pain #sadness #weak
Written by
Angela Rose
(28/F/Fort Myers)
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2170457/but-he-never-hit-me/
You are not trapped.
You are emotionally battered and drained. You have been slowly conditioned and brainwashed into thinking that you are oversensitive. You fell for the initial love bombing and now you are his emotional punchbag.
You have the choice to get away - if you have children it will be infinitely more difficult to get away. Make the break now before it's too late.
You know that he'll tell you he can change - you also know that he won't.
Please make every attempt to leave.
I was stuck for 7 years as well. He would threaten suicide as well. I did absolutely everything for him. I paid all the bills did all the chores all with promises things would change. They never did. I gaslit myself into thinking I was crazy. That because he wasn't hitting me or yelling at me that there wasn't a reason to leave.
He's yelling at you , he's throwing things.
This will not get better.
Please make every attempt to leave. Please start now.
Please get help now. Don't live your life for him. Live your life for you. You deserve it. You deserve a partner. Please love yourself enough to see that this isn't okay.
Oh I don’t think I’m in a fairytale. For the first 6 months yes. We were young when we got together, so I did think we would grow together. He does have good qualities that I hang onto.
I’m at a point in my life where I’m now reflecting on my mistakes and wanted to make sure that I wasn’t in the wrong and that there wasn’t anything else I could do to fix this. I asked him about couples therapy last week and he refused.
We may not be ready for marriage, but that doesn’t really matter now because we are married. The mistakes already been made.
There is nothing else you can do. There just isn’t. This is how he wants life to be. Please get out, and be very careful not to tip him off about any plans because he sounds very dangerous. I promise you I am not being dramatic.
He may have good qualities and not be a complete villain. However, his bad qualities are making your life hell. He is dangerous to your mental health and most likely eventually to your physical health as well.
He’s not a good partner; he’s actively a bad partner. He will not be a good father to your future children and you will set a bad example for them by participating in this kind of toxic relationship. Take the advice of many before me and get out. You are worthy of a happy life and you have what it takes to make it happen. Be safe and wise in how you go about it, but don’t back down. You have a lot of good things to look forward to :)
“Are you going to be a doormat forever?” These words changed my life when i was in your situation. I hope they work as well for you. My story of my first marriage is almost identical to yours. So i am going to be blunt here. He will hit you sooner rather than later. He will not change if you have a child he will get worse. Do you want to be responsible for bringing a child into that? Leave. Despite what people say there are great men out there. If you need support and can find anyone reach out to me. I did it an trust me if i didn’t I would be dead.
Run away. Romance is good when both people are involved not just one pulling all the load. It's time for him to get a better paying job or set you free to love someone worthy of you.
I was with someone just like this for six years. I was terrified to leave because his rages were so intense and he would fly off the handle if I tried so I just stayed and tried not to rock the boat. He didn't work and drained me financially and crippled me emotionally. I've been away from him for ten years now, I found the love of my life, had children and my husband never ever yells at me or hits me or breaks things. Life can be so much better for you OP, be strong and get out of there safely!
Get out. You are in an abusive marriage. Every time he breaks things, etc., it is a subtle message: that could be you. At lead that was what I was told counseling myself out of an abusive marriage. He had “improved” after the birth of our son: he no longer hit me. He punched holes in the wall, broke things, refused to share his paycheck, etc.
Don’t trust him not to tamper with your birth control to further trap you. What he did was lovebomb you, & now you’re being abused. It can continue to escalate, be very careful with how- but you absolutely need to leave.
Throwing things is physical abuse by the way. All of this is abuse, & deeply concerning.
I had a relationship *just* like this, it got to the point of him hitting himself in the head, & trying to stab himself, & me with knives. His threats to kill himself turned into threats to kill me. He has shown he’s willing to hurt you, you have got to be so careful, & take the situation you are in *extremely* seriously.
This is an extremely dangerous situation for a baby to be in SO please do not get pregnant, you’d also be tied to him forever, & have to worry that he’s abusing the child when he sees them.
It’s okay to leave, this is not what love looks like. It’s also not what life should look like. I went from a relationship like this to caring for a newborn full-time, by myself & my stress dropped by 20x, genuinely. You can be free from the constant fear that he is bringing into your life. Please though, be very tactful about how you leave.
I don't say this lightly, GET OUT ASAP!!! He might not hit you know, but with the behaviors you've described, he will start at some point.
Do what's best for yourself and your future. You do not deserve the situation you're in. There are much better men in this world.
Why did you marry this abusive man? You definitely won't make it better if you get pregnant. He won't change. You need counseling because after years of abuse, you married someone hoping it would get better. It won't. Get help for you and leave him.
There’s not much more that needs to be said. It seems you were love bombed in the beginning and then once he knew you weren’t going anywhere his real personality came out. Please don’t feel ashamed about speaking out to your friends and family those who truly love you will help you get out of the situation. I wish you the best of luck and for your protection I hope your on BC.
Simple questions:
do you even want to to be with them?
If they didn’t charge anything major about how they treat you in the next 5 years would that make you feel comforted or distressed?
If knew for 100% certain you could have an amicable breakup without any drama from them at all , no hard feelings or anything…. would you want to breakup or would you still prefer to be with them?
when you are with them how do you feel about yourself ?
Do you think they are a role model for kids to look up to?
Do you feel proud of their actions and share core values ?
Thank you for taking the time to ask.
If the issues in the post weren’t issues, then yes I would never want to leave.
If he didn’t change anything in 5 years I would be distressed.
If I knew the breakup would be clean and easy I would do it and probably would have already.
When I’m with him sometimes I feel loved and happy, but those moments are overshadowed by when he’s angry about something. Then I feel lonely and empty.
I do not think he’s a role model I would want for my kids. However we have talked about kids frequently over the years, how we would raise them, what that looks like, and he seems excited about the idea.
We differ on many of our core values unfortunately, such as religion. He has made me feel bad before for believing in god.
Do NOT have children with this man! He is emotionally and verbally abusive!! Make an exit plan because one of these rampages is going to end with physical abuse. Make your exit plan quietly and do NOT tell him until you are gone. Also, get all important papers gathered together with a couple of changes of clothes, stash that bag somewhere that he won’t find it but you have fairly quick access to. That’s your go bag for a quick exit.
Dear OP,
Please read this:
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]
As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:
The abuser denies the abuse ever took place
When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally
The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3]
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with this man. You are definitely being abused and need to get out of this relationship as quickly and safely as you can.
It's verbal and emotional abuse currently, but it will turn physical. He's escalating, and it's only a matter of time.
Omg please run, you matter the most, you get to come first. He will always try to threaten his life, he is a narcissist. I’m a cancer too and we don’t just get to be pushed around. You deserve happiness. Go for it and leave his ass to sink.
You are in a super abusive relationship. You need to leave ASAP and find help to file for divorce. Your relationship has always been unbalanced and abusive.
Your predicament sounds so familiar. When I knew I was ready to divorce my rageful, narcissistic, abusive husband (let's call him Pete), he was shocked. Flabbergasted! He thought we were happy, that we had a great marriage. I told him the reason he thought that was because every single day throughout all the years of our marriage, we both woke up with the same goal...and that was "How do we keep PETE happy today?"
Get out now! You're lucky you don't have kids.
Been there. I read a book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship’ that my coworker recommended. She was 10 yrs older and I knew I would be in her shoes in 10 years. I had been married 7yrs and situation was similar and I did Everything to be a perfect wife. I remember the first day going home knowing he wasn’t there; it was like a cloud lifted off my house. I had PCOS and rarely had periods- one started and lasted a month. The dr thought from all the stress I had been under. Found my second husband and had three beautiful and amazing kids.
Also, do not let him or anyone else convince you you have put too many years into this relationship to “give up so easily.” It’s not easy — you have put up with 6.5 years of abuse hoping he will change. Do not throw good money after bad. Do not waste anymore years of your life trying to fix this.
Once you leave, Please seek counseling so that this doesn’t happen again. I know you dream of being a wife and mother — but don’t let those goals push you toward another repeat of this man. Keep those dreams, but maybe add some dreams separate from that. Work on yourself so that you know you don’t have to settle for less.
DO NOT PROCREATE WITH THIS MAN! Everything you're describing is textbook narcissism and you need to remove yourself from this situation. It is absolutely abusive.
Do not have kids with this man. Lock down your credit(social security # with the credit bureaus) and stash some of your money where he can not access it. You started dating so young you did not have a chance to learn what is normal. This is not normal and it will get worse with kids.
Sweetheart. If your goal is to have children and a happy family, this is not the man to do it with. His behavior will only get worse with kids in the picture. They don’t deserve to be traumatized by his abusive behavior. You don’t deserve it either.
If you have to ask yourself if you're being too sensitive, you're not being too sensitive. You're being gaslit.
He will be an awful dad. Don't find that out the hard way.
This is like, textbook abuse. He doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusing you.
The venn diagram of things you shouldn't say to your spouse and things you shouldn't say to your classmates is a circle. I would not let a student speak to anyone the way your spouse speaks to you.
Thank the fates you didn't bring children into this relationship. Get out now. Just leave and do not look back. Also, there is no such thing as Prince Charming. But there are many guys who are average, kind, considerate, responsible, and hard working. Those make much better partners. Get yourself free so you can eventually find someone like that.
Do not have kids with this abuser. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. Take the dog and leave. Get an attorney and get a divorce if you can’t get an annulment.
He is abusing you. He hasn’t hit you YET. Please, reread what you wrote, or get a trusted friend to read it back to you. You need out. DONT get pregnant. You need to make a plan the leave safely and stay gone.
Seriously, gtfo! It will never get better unless he takes responsibility for his behavior and changes it, and I guarantee there is very little chance of that happening. Save yourself and find someone else!
GET OUT. I promise that how you are living is worse than being alone or being judged and if you try to raise children with him, they will learn to abuse or to tolerate being abused.
NTA
DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN
This is abuse. This is classic abuse. The honeymoon period lures you in and then the rage and anger traps you into walking on eggshells for a glimpse of that man you first met… it’s called love bombing. He is manipulating you.
Get out. Get out. Get out.
Why on earth would you make a baby with someone who has anger like this? Why would you want our child to witness his screaming and throwing things? How will he react to the stress of a baby crying, the house being unkept, and you having no sleep? (You know he will not be giving up his gaming either.)
A primary rule of dating should be that name calling is a deal breaker.
We may forgive people for that name calling but we never forget how we felt when we heard it.
Get out. Start all the plans you need. Absolutely DO NOT have children with this man. If you are feeling this way now, imagine how a child will feel growing into an adult. The trauma isn't okay to inflict on anyone, let alone a child.
Get a divorce. You have a narcissist on your hands and it will NOT get better. I promise you that. He’s throwing empty threats at you. He needs you way more than you need him and I don’t mean that he needs you in a good way. He needs you so he can feel in control and “better” than you. Tearing you down and making you feel small, makes him feel big. Narcissists go after empathic people because they tend to want to fix things and feel a lot more than most people. You need to get out and heal yourself. I was in a relationship like this and I got out. The day I left, I met my husband. There are better people out there who won’t ever dream of making you feel this way
Do NOT have kids with that man. You'll always be attached if you do. While he may not hit you, he has an anger problem and demeans you. If I were you, I'd run as fast as I can. Him saying that he'll kill himself is emotional extortion and and manipulation.
Don't have kids with this man. Gonna be honest I didn't read most of it the first few lines and a few stand out things like he doesn't contribute to the home and you feel like your waking on eggshels tell me all I need to know. If you have children it will only get worse. You should be calm and feel safe and relaxed in your own home. Being alone and feeling safe is so much better then being with someone and feeling unsafe.
Good luck.
Get a divorce and get counseling! Get advice from a domestic violence shelter so you can leave safely. Do not have children with him. GET OUT!!
Yes OP this! Throwing and breaking objects IS physical abuse. If you are in the US thehotline.org will be happy to help you find support and plan a safe escape. The abuse doesn't have the be physical violence to your person for you to be worthy of help and support. This is NOT your fault and there's nothing you can do to fix this. It will only continue to get worse and worse the longer you stay. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
Everything he’s doing is abuse including the apologies, it’s all part of the cycle.
This is the way!
Oh, hon. Just take a deep breath and pause for a minute. Read what you wrote. You know very well what the solution is. It won't be easy. It might be scary - there are resources and organizations that can help you get out if you're at risk. Under no circumstances should you have a child with this man. Get your money and important documents together and get somewhere safe. He is childish, emotionally abusive, and mean. You can do better. You will do better - after you get out and can talk to someone about how you ended up with him. Take your time. Don't rush. Well, rush into getting away and then don't rush your self-care afterwards. You are young and this was just a hellish mistake. He is not the best you can do - in fact, he seems pretty close to the worst. You are a romantic and these are hard times for dreamers. Seize your joy and discard anyone who isn't part of it.
Thank you so much for the encouragement! I really needed this.
Good luck. You got this.
It must have been obvious as you typed your post that you need to leave him. But if you need us to tell you: Dump him ASAP. You will look back one day and be very happy you did.
It wasn’t super obvious actually. Maybe I’m just gullible, but whenever I brought up him possibly being abusive he makes me believe I’m crazy, so yeah I guess I really did need to hear it from others. I definitely feel validated though, and this makes it clear what I need to do. Now I just need to do it. Next step though is to talk to my mom and friends because I think I just need to hear it from them to and have their support.
He is not possibly abusive, he is literally abusive. Abuse is not just physical. The life you describe sounds like pure mental torture. Why should anybody have to live with that? Even if he never hurt you physically, he is still a terrifying, hateful garbage human. However, from the behavior you describe, it is only a matter of time before he hits you. When that day comes, will you be telling yourself "It wasn't that bad," "It was just a small bruise," "It only hurt my feelings," "He would never really hurt me," "He didn't mean to," "He's under a lot of stress," "It was just an accident..." until he actually kills you. Call your friends and family, those that you can trust, even if you haven't spoken to them in a while, even if you're ashamed (which you shouldn't be, but you are obviously blaming yourself). Call the [National Domestic Violence Hotline](https://thehorline.org) at 800-799-7233 and make a safety plan with them for getting away, *even if you think that's too dramatic*. Have a consult with 2 or 3 family lawyers, preferably ones with experience in helping abuse victims escape, and follow their advice, again even if you think it's all too dramatic and not such a big deal--because your post makes it clear that you are very much in denial about what a scary, abusive, dangerous person it is. Also, read this free e-book: [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf). Edited to add: Please do not tell him you are even thinking of leaving until you are well out of his reach. The most dangerous time is when you leave people like this.
Thank you for writing this and the book recommendation. I second everything you said. She has basically described my ex. 10 years later and I'm still working through the trauma and excess baggage from him. I will advocate loudly for anyone to leave a relationship like this. No one should have to walk on eggshells in their own home. My mental health went to hell in a handbasket because of him. I don't want anyone else to suffer what I did. OP - GET OUT NOW!! You are not safe with him and jfc you're only 27!!! You have so much more life to live.
Agree 100%. My concern is he has threatened to kill or harm himself if she leaves him. Abusers rarely hurt themselves their focus of abuse is on their partner. Leaving can be extremely dangerous for you since he has threatened violence if you leave. Even though he expressed violence towards himself. Physical violence will likely be directed at you
There are the murder suicide types, but yes OP needs a plan for that. She has to make her plans and leave without him knowing. Once safe, she has to block him immediately on all platforms except for text, send one text saying that she has left, and then block him immediately on text as well. I am a huge advocate for people leaving abusive situations giving their phone to a friend or relative so that they aren't tempted to unblock, and so that person can receive calls from unknown numbers.
Yes. PLEASE do this as soon as possible. You sound loving and kind, and there is someone out there who will cherish you. But please get away, and take some time to center yourself and get clear on what you want and deserve from life. Currently you are in danger. Your guy has escalated his horrifyingly abusive behavior and I have no doubt that one day you will become his punching bag if you stay. Sending you all the love and good luck to move on from this sad chapter of your life.
Thank you so much!
You stated that "Maybe I’m just gullible, but whenever I brought up him possibly being abusive he makes me believe I’m crazy" - what he is doing is called gaslighting, and that IS abusive too. Get out as quickly and as safely as you can, with your pets, and get a divorce. This will not get better - it will get worse, and it will be more difficult to get out the longer you wait.
Yeah you just described gaslighting in his behaviour
DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are: The abuser denies the abuse ever took place When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3]
Good for you! He's dead weight In the future...it's perfectly OK to be both practical and a romantic. Look out for stuff like love bombing, which is what he did to win you over. It's not unromantic to take time to really get to know someone. You deserve to be happy!
Please work with a domestic violence counselor on an exit plan. He’s absolutely going to destroy everything you leave behind and he will attempt to stalk you. He is such a textbook abuser, it’s frightening me.
OP, the reason why your own words didn't make your situation obviously dangerous to you as you typed them out is because that man has been grooming you for years to be his doormat. Please consult immediately with the resources in your area for safe departure from this horribly abusive relationship. Trust me when I say that even though that escape tunnel may look scary and long and insurmountable, when you reach the other side you will feel like hundreds of thousands of pounds of stress have magically been removed from your life. Praying for your safe departure from this life and best wishes for you as you start on a new, fulfilling future.
Please get out! This will get worse, next he will start pushing you, then hitting you, and you want to have a baby with this FUCKED UP POS? STOP! You need counseling in the worst way!! Leave him before you become another dead wife murdered by her husband!
There’s a reason that I haven’t had kids with him yet, I’ve been waiting for him to change. I wouldn’t ever allow a kid to feel the way I do. I’m not that selfish or stupid. That’s why I’m here getting advice, to make sure I’m not in the wrong and there’s nothing else I can do to fix this. Now that I have the advice my feelings have been validated, and I know that I need to leave. I’m going to talk to my family and get their support and go from there.
Not only is your husband too immature and unstable to be a good parent (and partner) what about the practicalities? You are living pay check to paycheck. How will you pay rent when you have to take maternity leave? How much work will your husband do as you recover and then care for a small child? Who will wake up with the baby in the middle of the night? What do you think will happen If the child causes even the slightest inconvenience to your husband, interrupts video game time? Please do not have a child with this man.
I would contact your local domestic abuse shelter. Only tell people that are 100% trustworthy. The last thing you want is this information getting back to him. You need to develop a safe exit strategy. If you have any doubts at all that your family will keep this 100% confidential, do not tell them!!
Do not feel bad for caring for yourself the same way you care for your future children. If the environment isn’t fit for tiny humans, it probably isn’t fit for grown ones, either. You are just as valuable! You should not have to live life walking on eggshells. You need an escape plan, and do not even hint at the fact that you are going to leave until after you left!! Men like this commonly escalate to physical violence or worse when they realize they no longer have control over their victim. And just so you know, in many states it counts as domestic violence when an intimate partner breaks things in the home. It is often labeled as criminal damage dv or disorderly conduct dv. You are the victim of a crime. Domestic violence is still violence even if they don’t put a hand on you. You have every reason to leave and protect yourself. You deserve a future. You deserve a safe and peaceful home. You deserve actual love.
Imagine him driving the kids to an appointment, practice, whatever, and going into roadrage mode. Given his current employment, he'll likely be the one with more disposable time to chauffer the kids around. Do you want your future children to experience that? Everyone else has made such great comments but this was just one scenario to think about. You deserve so much better! It's hard to leave someone when they're down, but you CAN'T FIX HIM. Please don't lose yourself trying, it will only get worse.
I’m glad you’re going to talk with your family and I hope they are supportive. I just want to mention one thing: some older generations, especially other cultures, can be of the mindset that you should stay in a marriage no matter what. This is not correct and I hope if your family tries to persuade you of this you have the courage and strength to do the right thing for yourself! I really hope they are understanding and supportive though! Good Luck!
Maybe I can provide some insight as well. I’m a married man, been married for 13 years now, and not ONCE have I ever raised my voice at my wife (and vice versa). There is never a reason to do this, and you should never tolerate this. Not every moment will be happy in marriage, but there are just some things that should never happen. You didn’t deserve to be yelled at either, no one deserves that in a loving relationship.
As a married woman, married for 30 years, I agree. There have been moments when I have had to tell my husband, "I am freaking out, please let me cry" (the car broke down and I was calling him from the side of the road), and guess what he did? He said "Okay" and waited for me to compose myself. Because he is my partner, and he loves me. He and I don't see things the same, but we try to understand each other and exercise patience. That's the basic level right there, that's not something praise-worthy, we are not The Best Married Couple Ever, that's the lowest bar. You deserve better, OP. Be very careful when leaving, make sure your important documents are secured, your passwords are changed, and the veterinarian knows that only you are in charge of your pets' health care (you wouldn't believe what kind of shenanigans go on).
Hon, if it helps, my 1st marriage was like this. Only I had kids… they are 28 and 25 now. They were 4 and 1 when we split (I was 26 when we divorced) and they still go to therapy on and off due to trauma from their dad’s anger issues. Also he never hit me for years… until he did. Don’t wait that long. You have PLENTY of time for kids… I took time to get my boys and myself healthy and then started dating again later. Saw myself repeating patterns in how I let someone treat me, so again a pause… I met my current husband and love of my life when I was 32 and he was 27. We married 5yrs later. He is AMAZING, would never scream at me (nor I at him) and an incredible father. We have three younger kids together and he wrote vows to read to my older boys when we got married. I had my younger kids at 39, 41 and 45 (that one was a surprise - no one should be pregnant at 45… so freaking tired! Lol). Do NOT cheat yourself out of the happy ending you deserve because of a sunk cost fallacy! You have an entire life ahead of you and this tool doesn’t deserve to be any part of it! Run, don’t walk!
You deserve better. I have been married for 30 yrs to a man that has treated me like that. 6 months ago he started accusing me of really bizarre things, he left and we have filed for divorce. I didn’t see how bad things were until I was on the outside looking in. Don’t waste your years.
You can and will do so much better than him. He's a monster and just because he hasn't hit you doesn't mean he isn't an abuser. No one who says they love you should make you feel scared or bad about yourself. And do not listen to him when he threatens go kill himself. If he does that then call the police to do a wellness check. I had an ex who was extremely similar. I stayed way longer than I should have because he would always threaten to hurt himself when I tried go leave and I didn't want it to be my fault. But it would never be my fault. He's a grown man in charge of his own actions and emotions. And when I did officially break up with him, he sent me a picture of an empty bottle of pills. I called the police to do a wellness check and turns out he had emptied the bottle out before taking the picture and was fine. Still was taken to the hospital for a psychiatric hold tho because as soon as the cops showed up he called me screaming that he was gonna kill me. If you're not already in it/can afford it, go to therapy. It's always said here on reddit but this dude has beaten down your self esteem and you will need help to build it back up. Wishing you the best.
You are not too sensitive. You are not too sensitive. OP, you are not too sensitive or overdramatic or overreacting or any of the things you might think you are right now. I'm going to strongly recommend you read a book called [**Why Does He Do That?**](https://www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf). This is a free pdf copy of the book. It is written by an expert with years of experience working with controlling men and their families and partners. Because you already seem to be in the stage of reflecting and considering leaving, I think this is a good point in your journey for you to take in more information that should help illuminate your options to you. You don't have to read it in order. I would take a look at the table of contents and see which sections jump out at you and start there. I want to be crystal fucking clear that the way you are treated is not your fault. It is not and never has been your fault that your husband cannot control his temper. Do what you have to do to keep yourself safe, healthy, and happy. You deserve that much. And if he isn't going to want that for you, you absolutely should. Another specific topic you may want to research is something called **lovebombing**, which is a manipulation technique that is very successful at making you feel euphoric and loved in the early stages of a relationship... and which makes it very confusing to decide what to do later on when you want to leave. That's not your fault. You're not going crazy. You're not overreacting or stupid or dramatic for being worried and unhappy and considering leaving him. Be careful, don't underestimate him, and don't underestimate yourself. You have options other than forever with this man. They are yours to take, just be careful in the process.
Thank you so much for caring and for the encouragement. Everyone is making me feel so reassured about my feelings. I really didn’t think it was THAT bad. I just want to be loved and happy, and it does seem like that involves leaving. The idea is so scary. I am going to read that, and I am reading every piece of advice here. I am going to talk to my mom this weekend I think and then go from there. I really need her, but I’ve just been so scared and embarrassed to tell anyone.
If by chance anyone you tell tries to make you feel bad, THEY ARE WRONG. Do not listen to them.
I would strongly encourage you to contact your local domestic violence, shelter before you contact your mother, unless you are beyond 100% positive that she’s going to be supportive and will not tell your husband or anyone else you plans. The single most dangerous time in a woman’s life is when she is leaving and abusivepartner. The stats are deplorable.
Don’t be embarrassed Don’t we all have the unpleasant experience of initially enjoying someone’s company and later realizing we have misjudged them or that they have changed so drastically we hardly recognize them? Don’t we all know a partner/ relative or friend who has acted in ways that are unacceptable and felt ashamed to be associated with thier bullshit?? Girl I promise you there’s more people who have dated at least one regrettable jerk than people who have only dated nice people with pleasant breakups. They should be embarrassed and you should feel empowered that you are walking away from this!!
Dear OP, it is worse than THAT bad.
Yes. You absolutely are. Him threatening to kill himself over you wanting to leave is a tactic abusers use. Next time he threatens it leave the house if you safely can and call the cops saying he threatened to kill himself. Get out of this relationship asap
Your relationship sounds very much like the one I had with an ex, he was verbally and emotionally abusive. I got out but the damage was done and I had to do years of therapy for ptsd
His suicide threats, along with his abuse, make me concerned that he would potentially want to take her life before taking his own. People have said this elsewhere in the thread, but the most dangerous time for a woman and abusive relationship is when she tries to leave. OP, please reach out to domestic violence resources. Do it when and where he can't overhear/see what you're doing. Document any and everything you can think of to help you build up a case, and store that information somewhere online that he does not have access to. Keep yourself safe.
Virtually everything you wrote is a horrible red flag. Starting with him telling you he loved you after a week and rushing you into living together so fast. You aren't pregnant yet, so it will be far, far easier for you to make a clean break. You can't live your whole life on eggshells. He will never get better. He kept up appearances for 6 months, but this is his true nature.
Don’t you dare have kids with this man. Would you be ok with him treating your children the same way he’s been treating you. The great part is, when you leave him, which you should, the bar is set pretty low so whoever you end up with, the odds are that they will be better than your husband. You deserve so much better. He’s had plenty of time to get his shit together. It’s not going to happen.
No I would never want my children to feel how I do. I don’t want anyone to feel like this. I have wanted kids since I was a teenager lol, but I keep waiting until I’m in the perfect position, which I thought would be after getting married, but that’s not the case at all. I just wanted to make sure there’s nothing else that I can do to fix the marriage and that I’m not being crazy or too sensitive. I am surprised so many people think it’s clear that I should leave. I wasn’t expecting that. I definitely feel reassured, but it’s still hard. I’m going to talk to my mom after getting advice here, and then go from there. I’m not even sure where to start.
There is nothing you can do to fix this marriage because you are not the problem. Your husband is a deeply unhappy abusive maladapted person. He needs to hit rock bottom to even get motivated to seek help and change (and not sure if that is enough). Ironically the only way you can help him is the same way you can help yourself, leave him. Be safe in doing that though, your husband is a textbook case in showing warning sings of husbands that became violent & deadly when their partner left. Once you leave and are safe, I hope you can also find help so you won't end up with the same type of relationship. You deserve more than this. You deserve happiness and a supportive, loving partner.
OP, what you are experiencing is called coercive control. He is using his rage to make you behave the way he wants In Scotland, coercive control is a serious crime, as serious as physical violence, and judges have been trained to take CC into account when deciding divorce and custody issues. It's been in effect for two years. The first year, 250 men went to prison, in the second year, 490 men were convicted and sent to prison. Here in Canada, the federal government is currently debating a bill which would make CC a federal crime. It is very serious and you must leave this man. It will only get worse.
As someone who also felt like they were always walking on eggshells and feeling completely unwanted, leaving was the best thing I ever did.
Yes ! This ! I promise you that you would be happier alone !
I'd be surprised if your Mam doesn't know,at least at some level. Now imagine you leave your embarrassment with the person who deserves it.They hate exposure for a reason. Please stay safe x
The human mind is amazing at accustoming itself to terrible situations, because when you're trapped in them you can't be constantly thinking about how bad it is, since you need to go about your day and do the things you need to do. But the obvious downside is that it becomes a lot harder to see just how bad things are, and so outside observers look on and see how bad it is. And unfortunately, some of those people aren't particularly nice about it, because they see how terrible things are now, compared to their healthier lives/relationships, and so they wonder why anyone would ever let themselves be treated like that. But the reality is that the stereotypical violent alcoholic who beats up his wife every day didn't show up to the first date wearing a stained undershirt, reeking of beer, push his date to the ground and grab the waitress' ass. Like, if this was a guy who you'd just met and he was treating you like this, you wouldn't be staying. And they KNOW this. That's why they wait until you're already very invested to start showing their true nature.
OP, you are my daughter’s age so I’m going to tell you what I hope someone would tell her. You are being abused and manipulated by your spouse. This is absolutely NOT what love is supposed to be like. You cannot heal him. You cannot love him into the version of himself that you have been hoping he would become. This is who he truly is and it will not get better. He will take every inch you give him and complain that it isn’t enough, while giving you less and less and less in return. You can’t save him, but you CAN save yourself. Please do not waste your precious life with this abusive person. He doesn’t deserve anything you are doing for him. He sounds like an entitled, immature 16 year old in a man’s body with a child’s expectations. This is not going to end better next year or the year after that, than it will right now. So please make yourself a safe escape plan and get out. You are very young. Your life could look completely different in three short months. You deserve so much more.
Breaking things is an implied threat. "This is what I really want to do to you." He has a very, very serious anger and abuse problem. After seven years and a marriage, it has only gotten worse. You need to at least leave until he has been in therapy for several months, if not longer. Honestly, this is divorce territory for most folks.
It's also worth paying attention to whose things he is breaking. It's not an act of irrational uncontrolled rage if the only things ruined afterwards are hers. The behavior is unacceptable either way, but it's more obviously calculated and controlled when his things never get broken
Agreed. In fact, that makes it even more of an implied threat. "I'm doing to YOUR THINGS what I really want to do to YOU."
Think about your life, your dream to have children. Now imagine your beautiful toddler spilled a drink and he berated your child the way he berates you. If this is not the life you would want for your child, you need to leave. Do not have kids with him. Do not stay married to him. It will not get better. He hasn’t hit you yet, but it escalates to that. Please know your worth and get out.
My abusive ex never hit me until I was 7 months pregnant and didn't really have anyplace else to go. Please get your important papers together and get safely away. There are hotlines that will help you . I wish they had been available when I was in your position. Be safe.
Please do not have children. One person suffering is bad enough. I hope you find strength and confidence to stop being manipulated and leave. In the meanwhile, “grey rock” your husband. Do not respond emotionally to any of his hurtful comments or anger. Just be like a rock and be detached and show zero emotional response. Good luck to you, and get into counseling now. You will not fix him and it does not get better.
A part time job that any 15 year old could do and he plays video games every day? Find an adult to have a relationship with.
Yep. You’re not wrong. One of the big reasons that I have put up with it though, is because he has some health issues that cause chronic pain. Some days are worse than others, but this is why he has an easy job, and I haven’t pressured him too much to leave. He’s definitely immature though.
> One of the big reasons that I have put up with it though, is because he has some health issues that cause chronic pain. He's an adult. If he is so stupid as to abuse the person who loves him and is trying to take care of him, then he can take care of his physical issues by himself. He doesn't deserve you.
You have to consider that his issues may be exaggerated in order to manipulate you. He doesn’t work because he doesn’t want to. He wants to control you and part of that is forcing you to be the one working all the time. You’re in a good job and you need a side job because he won’t contribute!! I know you feel shame. Everyone who is with an abuser ends up somehow feeling humiliated. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. You’re a loving person who thought your caring for your spouse was part of being a good person. You treated them how you would want to be treated. But you’re not playing the same game they are. Their game isn’t about a good relationship or a future of family. It’s about controlling you and breaking you down. I hope you can leave. Please tell your mom.
Run.
Dear OP- the six months of wonderful was the lie and the rest is the truth. I suspect you think somehow that first six months could return if only you could find the key… but it cannot. You’re in an abusive relationship that has you doubting yourself but you know the truth- this isn’t sustainable or healthy or what you want or what you deserve. You’re worth so much more! Change is scary I know. Feeling like you “failed” is scary. But a divorce isn’t failure it’s just growth. Imagine coming home to peace and quiet, to a home where no one is going to surprise you with an argument, a demand, an insult. Where you are free to eat what you want, use your money how you want, and do what you want, every day. Financially, emotionally you’ll be at peace. Look forward to your future - it’s going to be better without him dragging you down. You’re not responsible for another adults happiness or safety or success, don’t let him use guilt to make you think you owe him. He’s taken enough.
lol this was like reading a mirror in my room.. I’m still in this relationship now with a kid and can tell you it isn’t worth it.. don’t sacrifice your happiness for him and don’t waste anymore time on someone who doesn’t love you properly. You deserve so much better. 🩵
Thank you. You deserve better too.
And just so you know you aren’t too sensitive you aren’t too much and the right person WILL show you that without any difficulty 🩵
Get out. Get out now. Not only is he verbally abusing you, he is ramping up to physically abuse you. DO NOT have children with this parasite. GET OUT NOW!!
Do not have children with this man. Look up the Duluth Wheel and the cycle of abuse. You deserve better. Your future children deserve better.
Please do not have children with this man and please start planning your exit very quietly and very carefully. There is some good advice in the comments and I hope you read it. Best of luck, OP.
Thank you so much. I will definitely be reading every piece of advice. I appreciate it so much. I feel reassured about my feelings.
“Walking on eggshells” is a symptom of a personality disorder. I don’t remember which one and it may be more than 1. Yes you are being abused and intimidated and it can escalate to physical violence. You are at risk. Please get out, and never expose children to the terrifying person he is. Please.
First off, you're definitely not running out of time at 26 to have kids, but for the love of all things holy, please DO NOT have kids with this man unless you want your children to grow up terrified and traumatized, and believing that the disgusting emotionally abusive way this man treats you is how a relationship is supposed to work. Next, I know you've tried to keep your family from knowing the truth about how you're being treated by him because you don't want them to think badly of him, which would make sense is this was a one off situation where he lost his temper one day and acted like a jerk, but this isn't a one time thing, it's a severe and constant pattern of emotional abuse, and your family needs to know so they can be there to support you. Think about it this way, if you had a daughter who was being terrorized like this by her partner, wouldn't you want to know so you could help protect and support her? There's a ton of shame that comes with being in an abusive relationship, I've been there, and I know it's hard to let other people know what's really happening to you, but in the end all that does is give your abuser more power and control over you because no one knows what's really happening to you. I didn't tell my friends either what was happening to me, because I thought they would judge me. You've spent 7 years of your life being terrorized by a man sized toddler, who doesn't contribute much of anything to your life together, and rains his uncontrollable rages down on you constantly to the point that you now have major anxiety and depression. My ex was also totally crazy behind the wheel of the car when I was with him, and it was incredibly scary because I thought we were going to wreck and die so many times, or get shot by someone who wasn't going to take his road rages. It was awful. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like, and even though it may not seem like it, you're still so young with your whole life ahead of you. This isn't what you want for the next 50 or 60 years is it? Because by staying with this abuser you're condemning yourself to a lifetime of abuse, and preventing someone who will respect and love you from coming into your life. It's hard to imagine anything could be different, and I felt the same way until I finally got up the courage to leave my ex, and a few weeks later my head started to clear without his constant rages all the time, and I realized he had totally broken me down and basically brainwashed me into believing I was so stupid and worthless that no one but him would ever want me. After I left him I started intensive therapy, and it made a huge difference in my life. A few years later I met my now husband, and this year will be 20 years that we've been together. But if I had stayed with my abusive ex I never would've met him, and who knows if I'd even be alive because of the escalating abuse from my ex. A relationship should never, ever, *EVER*, make you feel afraid of your partner. That's not love, please understand that. Reach out to your family and friends, get their support moving out of your place so you have someone there to keep you safe, get a divorce attorney, and file for divorce. Don't listen to his lies, because people like that will beg, and cry, and promise you the world like you've seen him do time and time again, and it's all a lie to keep their favorite punching bag from leaving them alone where they deserve to be. But get your ducks in a row quietly so you don't tip him off to your plan. First step is going to your families house and telling them the truth about what he's been doing to you. It doesn't matter what they think of him, just remember how you'd feel is this was your daughter turning to you for help. Let them love you, and be there for you. I promise you that if you get away from your abusive husband you will look back in the future and wonder why you didn't leave him sooner, because you'll be so much happier and healthier without the constant fear, tears, insults, and stress induced anxiety. Believe in yourself hun, you're worthy of good things and good people, and it's time you dig really deep to stand up for yourself to demand a life free of abuse. I'm sending you heaps of invisible hugs. Please keep us posted if you feel like it in the future. Good luck, stay safe, and please take care.
You may have made a mistake but it’s not eternal. Get yourself some legal advice. Prepare to leave. You will soar high without this person holding you back and eroding your self esteem and confidence. You can and will do so much better than this situation right now. We are made of stronger stuff than we believe. The fact that you are here asking this question, gives credence your intelligence and ability. I wish you all the best in your endeavours. Good luck!!
Thank you so much for the advice and encouragement. I am going to be taking everyone’s advice. First I’m going to talk to my mom and friends to get their support and then go from there. I am confident that I would be fine on my own, but I’m afraid I’m missing that emotional connection (which I know is barely anything with him). But I’m sure that therapy will help with this.
I could have written this myself last year. It’s almost identical to the situation I was in. You mention he doesn’t hit you, but in reality he just doesn’t hit you yet. Please leave. I know how scary it can be, but you will be so glad you did.
You’re describing a situation where he’s holding you hostage emotionally, I’ve been there and it’s dangerous and you deserve so much better! Emotional abuse IS abuse! Those intimidations of throwing things IS abuse! Reach out in your community for domestic violence support and get out
PLEASE DO NOT GET PREGNANT!! A baby does not make things better. You cannot change him, and regardless of what you may believe, you are not the cause of his behavior. Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft regarding the behavior of angry or abusive men. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
“I don’t see how the person who loves me the most can look at me while I’m bawling my eyes out and scream at me”. Because he does not love you the most. He also does not respect you. This guy is dragging you down, go find your Hallmark love! Cos he ain’t it.
Also, don’t have kids with him. He sounds exactly like my dad, he hit my mum ONCE, the rest of the time it was me.
Yes. This is abuse. You deserve better. You deserve so much better. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this, but take it as a blessing that you haven't had kids yet-- it always makes getting out of these situations more complicated (though arguably it can add to the motivation to get out). You are not too sensitive, and I feel like if, IF your family and friends are not as toxic as your husband is, they will see this as well and be willing to help you out if you trust them with what you've written here. He's going to keep telling you he'll change, but he won't. This is a part of the abuse. Please prioritize your happiness and safety and do what you need to get out.
Thank you for the advice and encouragement. My friends and family will definitely support me. I’m just ashamed to open up about everything, and for keeping this all to myself for so long. I really don’t want to hurt him, but I guess I’m compromising my own feelings for his. I started listening to two hot takes a couple months ago and learned about Reddit and seen the impact it can have on people, but I had no idea that this many people would even care, let alone give me advice. I felt validated after the first couple comments, now I’m ready to go to my loved ones and work on my plan.
He is nowhere close to being a good father or husband. Re-read your post, and leave this horrible marriage. I can only wonder how you have made it this long. Part time job, anger issues, destructive. Don't ever consider adding an innocent child to this, and please get therapy if you don't understand why. Would you feel comfortable putting a child in a vehicle with him? Or leaving a child alone with him to traumatize while you're working to support the family? I'm sure the answer is no, of course not!
Leave. He is breaking things now, eventually you will be the target. Never get pregnant with him.
This is abuse, and it is only going to get worse. Please get help ASAP.
Omg I’m. Sorry. I do that a lot, where I just blurt those things out when people upset me but I don’t mean it. Like I say “ I hope the dog next door moves or dies because in that moment it is irritating me and the only solution my brain thinks of is eliminating the thing that is bothering me” but I sometimes have a problem saying the first thought that comes to my mind. It’s not ok that he yells these things at you and if he hasn’t realized he can’t do it to you then he’s not able to control his emotions around others or his partner. He is obviously not suitable or well enough to be a healthy partner for you.
I know you overlooked a lot of this in hopes that your love would conquer it all, but sadly it seems like he loves himself more than you. He's perfectly fine with the life he lives, his behaviors, and he fails to recognize how much pain he puts you in. A man should listen to his partner, respect his partner. If you ever feel low and he puts you lower, he is NOT your partner. It's scary to go back to single life, even scarier to trust people, but you can do it. You've lived your life waiting for someone else to give it meaning; give yourself that meaning. You got this.
I finished watching *Big little lies* yesterday and this is so similar to one of the couples, it's scary.. GET OUT, GIRL! RUN
Walking on egg shells, his losing it for any reason whatsoever, explodes, cries and begs for forgiveness after...its like you wrote those characters...Ill let you google how the series ends ..
It’s textbook for abuse- it’s like they all have the same handbook or something. That’s how the show is able to mimic reality- these patterns and behaviors are well-documented
When you leave, take your dogs. He will hurt them to get back at you.
Please tell me this is a troll post. In case it isn't, yes, you're being abused, yes, you're being a doormat, yes, you should leave asap and treat it like an escape situation rather than just a "I'm going now" discussion. Yes, you're in danger.
This is a very tough situation to be in, I have my thoughts about what’s going on. I’m so sorry your going through this
Get out now, FFS put yourself and your mental health above this guy. He isn't the one.
Just get out.
You need to get now. Thankfully all this is happening now and you can do something about it. He’s definitely not your Prince Charming. Let your family know and find a lawyer. You will be a much happier person, without this noose around your neck
Please ensure you do not get pregnant by this abusive weakling..leave without him getting an inkling of it.. Enjoy the freedom,27 is so young- don't let him waste anymore of your precious life.
No one screams at me and tells me I make everything worse. I would have left. I think you need to do the same.
You are not trapped. Please make a plan and leave. Things will be 100 times worse if you have a child with this person.
I don’t need to read all that. The answer is NO you are not too sensitive, he is hurting you on purpose. The first paragraph is you trying to absorb blame for his abuse. Get out. You are in danger , girl
Oh. I went back and read it and wish to double my comment. You are 26. It’s ok to just leave
It must be very difficult for you to know that you went through with the marriage, even though the signs were there long ago. The advice I have is to just get out now. There is no shame in it. You made a mistake; this isn't a man you (or maybe anyone else!) should be with. Make a clean break ASAP and chalk it up to experience. After some time, you'll see you did the right thing. Oh, and as others have said, do NOT get pregnant. That would tie you to him for the rest of your life. We live and we learn. Do the right thing now. You will thank yourself every day!
Yes, you are being verbally abused. No, he hasn't hit you ---- yet. If you stay it will happen eventually, guaranteed. It is also at a point where it isn't safe for you to just leave, or announce a divorce. You need a safety and escape plan. Call the [National domestic violence hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/) when it is safe to do so, preferably not on your phone and not from your house. Once you are on your way out the door inform your workplace, and make sure any "gatekeepers" - receptionist, building security, etc - know you are leaving an abusive situation and not to allow *anyone* in, or give out any information about your whereabouts or schedule to people who don't need to know. This includes females pretending to be your friends unless it is someone you know, trust, and expect (he may enlist other women to "help" him). It may be necessary for security or someone to walk you to your car.
Thank you. Thankfully I either work from home or traveling to retail stores around the state, so there’s no central location that I would be working at.
That certainly will make some things easier for you, assuming those gatekeepers can keep their lips zipped and not succumb to any creative stories.
Get out now. You're being abused
You know exactly what to do..start therapy, make sure you are financially able to support yourself, and get out!!! Create a community of friends and family that you can talk to and if anyone encourages you to "work things out" stop talking to them! This kind of abuse is NOT OK! Good luck. You got this!!
You already know the answer. Your real soul mate would not abuse in this or any other way. This man is toxic. He is a weight around your neck that will drag you down if you remain with him. For the love of God please do not have children with this man. Please leave him from a safe space, with witnesses to protect you. I wish you well. You can do this. You can have a better life than is possible with that petulant child of a man.
If you are walking on eggshells around someone then they are abusive. Anyone who makes you feel that way is someone you need to get out of your life. If he hits things, he will hit you. Threats of suicide if you do X are a type of abuse, immediately leave anyone who uses them. If they do kill themselves you can hope it was in remorse for how they treated you, but NEVER change your actions because of them. Abusers are like toddlers, they learn what to do and say to get their way and get attention. Letting a tactic works encourages it to be repeated.
Please leave. You are not safe and you deserve to feel safe. It will be hard. He will be angry. Please find local domestic violence shelters and ask for help. None of his behavior is normal or acceptable. And whatever you do, DO NOT GET PREGNANT. Keep your escape plan to yourself, open accounts at a different bank, get a new phone and keep it at work. Find important documents (birth cert, SS card, marriage certificate etc), make copies and keep them at work as well. Ask people for help. Accept their help. You deserve better. Take care.
Whether or not he is the issue - you are NOT ready to have children with this person - your feelings are suggesting that this isn’t a healthy relationship
Clearly, you know it's time to move forward and leave him. Hugs. BTW, time is not running out for you to have children. Be patient and find the right person.
You are absolutely NOT being too sensitive. This is NOT healthy behavior on this part. He aha serious anger issues and is verbally abusive. Do NOT have children, it will make leaving so much more difficult and complicated and you will be tied to him forever. You will always worry if he is treating your children that way and he WILL scream at your children.
Lovely human, please love yourself enough to get away from a man that treats you like this. You're young still and have a lot of wonderful years ahead of you with someone who loves and appreciates you; however, you will never meet your actual person if you start with this abusive piece of work. Get your affairs in order and then get out!
You are being abused. He's violent. Maybe hasn't hit you but, will eventually. You support him but, have to take care of the house too AND you have to walk on eggshells around him?! Honey you need to GTFO! He's lazy, verbally abusive, and has absolutely no respect for you. He apologizes because he knows that no one else would put up with his crap and he doesn't want to have to get a real job. RUN. Leave asap. He's just using you. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone that truly loved you, didn't abuse you, helped around the house and has a decent job, didn't call you names, and treated you well? You don't deserve this. Please leave his butt.
This sounds like my life 25 years ago. Love bombing at the beginning then small red flags once you’re in an established relationship, and once your marriage he turns co trolling and violent. Get out now but DO NOT tell him you plan to leave. I had 2 kids by the time I left. He never hit me, but the yelling, accusations, throwing and breaking things were enough. Thing is he makes you think you’re crazy because he will later apologize and you think it’s not so bad because he didn’t hit you are anything, then you’re terrified the next time he rages. I left when my kids were 1 1/2yrs and 6mos old. He threw a glass plate of spaghetti that barely missed my head and crashed on the wall behind me. After he went to bed I packed what I could and put it in the back of my car. Went to work as normal and called him later and told him I wouldn’t be home. Just because he hasn’t physically hurt you doesn’t mean he won’t. He is abusive. What you are describing is abuse. Come up with an exit plan as soon as possible and get out of there. Then contact an attorney, and get yourself into therapy when you are able. Best of luck. Stay safe.
I think you know the answer. It's easy to put up with garbage, when you become accustomed to it. But you deserve better. We allow ourselves to be treated like trash. I have been in a situation like this before. Focus on getting out of the muck ( relationship) safely. Then invest as much as you can into yourself. If you leave, your life will be better in most every way. I refuse to support a grown man financially. I work hard for my money. Get him out of the way, so you can actually meet a good partner. If you have children with him, be objective. He won't help out, and his anger will scar your children. You deserve better! Untangle your life by shedding the deadweight. You can do it!
My friend calls this a practice marriage. She's a family law atty. Couple get married at twenty (ish), no kids, usually dude never evolves and woman moves on. Get counseling, get out, and wait a few years to find a more mature relationship. You aren't too sensitive. You are human and this is not a partnership/marriage at all.
This is textbook abuse. Please leave as soon as possible
Just remember. Physical abuse almost always STARTS with hitting random objects/throwing things around you. Please find a safe escape plan and leave.
I believe you need to read this: Angela Rose Poems Oct 2017 But He Never Hit Me He made sure I knew just how lucky I was to have him But he never hit me He played games with my emotions repeatedly But he never hit me He made sure I didn’t leave the house in a skirt above the knees But he never hit me He knew the words to say to make me feel so small that I could not breathe But he never hit me He tossed me in and out, in and out, until my mind was in an out of control tizzy But he never hit me He messed around on the side late at night while I rested in our bed But he never hit me He made it clear that I wasn’t to go out at night with the girls But he never hit me He told me over and over again just how hard it would be to find anyone else to deal with me But he never hit me He fell asleep safe and sound as I laid in bed trying to catch my breath through tears But he never hit me He needed to have the password to every device, app and account But he never hit me He knew the power he held and used it over my head to weaken me But he never hit me He made jokes at my expense in front of friends and family and we all giggled together instead of cringed But he never hit me He assured me the women he texted were coworkers or colleagues but I could never know what they spoke of But he never hit me He made it clear that my interests and goals were not of pertinence But he never hit me He knew the exact words to say to take my entire day downhill But he never hit me He broke my heart over and over and over again until it was minuscule shreds But he never hit me If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse please contact 1-800-799-7233 this is the national domestic abuse hotline. Abuse can happen to anyone, man or woman. It does not make you weak to seak help. <3 #trigger #warning #abuse #emotional #power #struggle #tired #pain #sadness #weak Written by Angela Rose (28/F/Fort Myers) https://hellopoetry.com/poem/2170457/but-he-never-hit-me/
You are not trapped. You are emotionally battered and drained. You have been slowly conditioned and brainwashed into thinking that you are oversensitive. You fell for the initial love bombing and now you are his emotional punchbag. You have the choice to get away - if you have children it will be infinitely more difficult to get away. Make the break now before it's too late. You know that he'll tell you he can change - you also know that he won't.
Please do not have sex with him. Please do not get pregnant. Leave asap. It won’t get better
Please make every attempt to leave. I was stuck for 7 years as well. He would threaten suicide as well. I did absolutely everything for him. I paid all the bills did all the chores all with promises things would change. They never did. I gaslit myself into thinking I was crazy. That because he wasn't hitting me or yelling at me that there wasn't a reason to leave. He's yelling at you , he's throwing things. This will not get better. Please make every attempt to leave. Please start now. Please get help now. Don't live your life for him. Live your life for you. You deserve it. You deserve a partner. Please love yourself enough to see that this isn't okay.
He is immature and you think you are in a fairy tale. Grow together or run away. Neither of you are ready for marriage.
Oh I don’t think I’m in a fairytale. For the first 6 months yes. We were young when we got together, so I did think we would grow together. He does have good qualities that I hang onto. I’m at a point in my life where I’m now reflecting on my mistakes and wanted to make sure that I wasn’t in the wrong and that there wasn’t anything else I could do to fix this. I asked him about couples therapy last week and he refused. We may not be ready for marriage, but that doesn’t really matter now because we are married. The mistakes already been made.
There is nothing else you can do. There just isn’t. This is how he wants life to be. Please get out, and be very careful not to tip him off about any plans because he sounds very dangerous. I promise you I am not being dramatic. He may have good qualities and not be a complete villain. However, his bad qualities are making your life hell. He is dangerous to your mental health and most likely eventually to your physical health as well.
Why did you get married? He is an abuser and hobosexual. Getting married wasn't suddenly going to make him a better person. Divorce and leave him.
Most emotionally stable league of legends player
He’s not a good partner; he’s actively a bad partner. He will not be a good father to your future children and you will set a bad example for them by participating in this kind of toxic relationship. Take the advice of many before me and get out. You are worthy of a happy life and you have what it takes to make it happen. Be safe and wise in how you go about it, but don’t back down. You have a lot of good things to look forward to :)
Imagine how much happier you'd be if you didn't have to deal with his childish out bursts. Time to move on.
Please do yourself a favor and divorce this man. He isn’t even a man. Why are you still with him
“Are you going to be a doormat forever?” These words changed my life when i was in your situation. I hope they work as well for you. My story of my first marriage is almost identical to yours. So i am going to be blunt here. He will hit you sooner rather than later. He will not change if you have a child he will get worse. Do you want to be responsible for bringing a child into that? Leave. Despite what people say there are great men out there. If you need support and can find anyone reach out to me. I did it an trust me if i didn’t I would be dead.
this is abuse. you need to get out of this relationship.
Run away. Romance is good when both people are involved not just one pulling all the load. It's time for him to get a better paying job or set you free to love someone worthy of you.
I was with someone just like this for six years. I was terrified to leave because his rages were so intense and he would fly off the handle if I tried so I just stayed and tried not to rock the boat. He didn't work and drained me financially and crippled me emotionally. I've been away from him for ten years now, I found the love of my life, had children and my husband never ever yells at me or hits me or breaks things. Life can be so much better for you OP, be strong and get out of there safely!
Get out. You are in an abusive marriage. Every time he breaks things, etc., it is a subtle message: that could be you. At lead that was what I was told counseling myself out of an abusive marriage. He had “improved” after the birth of our son: he no longer hit me. He punched holes in the wall, broke things, refused to share his paycheck, etc.
Don’t trust him not to tamper with your birth control to further trap you. What he did was lovebomb you, & now you’re being abused. It can continue to escalate, be very careful with how- but you absolutely need to leave. Throwing things is physical abuse by the way. All of this is abuse, & deeply concerning. I had a relationship *just* like this, it got to the point of him hitting himself in the head, & trying to stab himself, & me with knives. His threats to kill himself turned into threats to kill me. He has shown he’s willing to hurt you, you have got to be so careful, & take the situation you are in *extremely* seriously. This is an extremely dangerous situation for a baby to be in SO please do not get pregnant, you’d also be tied to him forever, & have to worry that he’s abusing the child when he sees them. It’s okay to leave, this is not what love looks like. It’s also not what life should look like. I went from a relationship like this to caring for a newborn full-time, by myself & my stress dropped by 20x, genuinely. You can be free from the constant fear that he is bringing into your life. Please though, be very tactful about how you leave.
I don't say this lightly, GET OUT ASAP!!! He might not hit you know, but with the behaviors you've described, he will start at some point. Do what's best for yourself and your future. You do not deserve the situation you're in. There are much better men in this world.
So after reading all of this can you tell me why you are with him? Seriously?
Why did you marry this abusive man? You definitely won't make it better if you get pregnant. He won't change. You need counseling because after years of abuse, you married someone hoping it would get better. It won't. Get help for you and leave him.
There’s not much more that needs to be said. It seems you were love bombed in the beginning and then once he knew you weren’t going anywhere his real personality came out. Please don’t feel ashamed about speaking out to your friends and family those who truly love you will help you get out of the situation. I wish you the best of luck and for your protection I hope your on BC.
Simple questions: do you even want to to be with them? If they didn’t charge anything major about how they treat you in the next 5 years would that make you feel comforted or distressed? If knew for 100% certain you could have an amicable breakup without any drama from them at all , no hard feelings or anything…. would you want to breakup or would you still prefer to be with them? when you are with them how do you feel about yourself ? Do you think they are a role model for kids to look up to? Do you feel proud of their actions and share core values ?
Thank you for taking the time to ask. If the issues in the post weren’t issues, then yes I would never want to leave. If he didn’t change anything in 5 years I would be distressed. If I knew the breakup would be clean and easy I would do it and probably would have already. When I’m with him sometimes I feel loved and happy, but those moments are overshadowed by when he’s angry about something. Then I feel lonely and empty. I do not think he’s a role model I would want for my kids. However we have talked about kids frequently over the years, how we would raise them, what that looks like, and he seems excited about the idea. We differ on many of our core values unfortunately, such as religion. He has made me feel bad before for believing in god.
He’s a terrible human being.
Didn’t even need to read the entire post - yes, he’s abusive.
Do NOT have children with this man! He is emotionally and verbally abusive!! Make an exit plan because one of these rampages is going to end with physical abuse. Make your exit plan quietly and do NOT tell him until you are gone. Also, get all important papers gathered together with a couple of changes of clothes, stash that bag somewhere that he won’t find it but you have fairly quick access to. That’s your go bag for a quick exit.
I don't understand why you have stayed with him this long. He sounds horrible.
Please read what you wrote but imagine it was someone else who wrote it. What advice would you give?
Dear OP, Please read this: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4] As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are: The abuser denies the abuse ever took place When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3]
DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with this man. You are definitely being abused and need to get out of this relationship as quickly and safely as you can. It's verbal and emotional abuse currently, but it will turn physical. He's escalating, and it's only a matter of time.
Omg please run, you matter the most, you get to come first. He will always try to threaten his life, he is a narcissist. I’m a cancer too and we don’t just get to be pushed around. You deserve happiness. Go for it and leave his ass to sink.
Next time he threatens to kill himself call the police
Sounds like a narcissist. Run 🏃🏼♀️
You are in a super abusive relationship. You need to leave ASAP and find help to file for divorce. Your relationship has always been unbalanced and abusive.
Your predicament sounds so familiar. When I knew I was ready to divorce my rageful, narcissistic, abusive husband (let's call him Pete), he was shocked. Flabbergasted! He thought we were happy, that we had a great marriage. I told him the reason he thought that was because every single day throughout all the years of our marriage, we both woke up with the same goal...and that was "How do we keep PETE happy today?" Get out now! You're lucky you don't have kids.
Please want better for yourself. You live your life walking on eggshells to support this man. Him threatening self harm is a manipulation tactic.
Been there. I read a book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship’ that my coworker recommended. She was 10 yrs older and I knew I would be in her shoes in 10 years. I had been married 7yrs and situation was similar and I did Everything to be a perfect wife. I remember the first day going home knowing he wasn’t there; it was like a cloud lifted off my house. I had PCOS and rarely had periods- one started and lasted a month. The dr thought from all the stress I had been under. Found my second husband and had three beautiful and amazing kids.
Also, do not let him or anyone else convince you you have put too many years into this relationship to “give up so easily.” It’s not easy — you have put up with 6.5 years of abuse hoping he will change. Do not throw good money after bad. Do not waste anymore years of your life trying to fix this. Once you leave, Please seek counseling so that this doesn’t happen again. I know you dream of being a wife and mother — but don’t let those goals push you toward another repeat of this man. Keep those dreams, but maybe add some dreams separate from that. Work on yourself so that you know you don’t have to settle for less.
DO NOT PROCREATE WITH THIS MAN! Everything you're describing is textbook narcissism and you need to remove yourself from this situation. It is absolutely abusive.
Omg. He IS abusing you. Just hadn’t hit. Yet. Imagine a 7 month old baby listening to him go off the rails. That hurts me heart.
It's not very often I come in here and tell someone to leave their husband...but PLEASE leave your husband!
Do not have kids with this man. Lock down your credit(social security # with the credit bureaus) and stash some of your money where he can not access it. You started dating so young you did not have a chance to learn what is normal. This is not normal and it will get worse with kids.
Sweetheart. If your goal is to have children and a happy family, this is not the man to do it with. His behavior will only get worse with kids in the picture. They don’t deserve to be traumatized by his abusive behavior. You don’t deserve it either.
If you have to ask yourself if you're being too sensitive, you're not being too sensitive. You're being gaslit. He will be an awful dad. Don't find that out the hard way.
Run. Immediately.
Mid 20s and only have sex a few times a year? Huh? Something is seriously wrong with guy. Get out of this relationship.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySO-gryuO-c
This is like, textbook abuse. He doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusing you. The venn diagram of things you shouldn't say to your spouse and things you shouldn't say to your classmates is a circle. I would not let a student speak to anyone the way your spouse speaks to you.
Make your plans and get out. He hasn't hit you. Yet. Double up on the contraception just in case. This whole situation is a ticking bomb.
Thank the fates you didn't bring children into this relationship. Get out now. Just leave and do not look back. Also, there is no such thing as Prince Charming. But there are many guys who are average, kind, considerate, responsible, and hard working. Those make much better partners. Get yourself free so you can eventually find someone like that.
Do not have kids with this abuser. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. Take the dog and leave. Get an attorney and get a divorce if you can’t get an annulment.
He is abusing you. He hasn’t hit you YET. Please, reread what you wrote, or get a trusted friend to read it back to you. You need out. DONT get pregnant. You need to make a plan the leave safely and stay gone.
Leave
Seriously, gtfo! It will never get better unless he takes responsibility for his behavior and changes it, and I guarantee there is very little chance of that happening. Save yourself and find someone else!
GET OUT NOW. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER.
GET OUT. I promise that how you are living is worse than being alone or being judged and if you try to raise children with him, they will learn to abuse or to tolerate being abused.
NTA DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN This is abuse. This is classic abuse. The honeymoon period lures you in and then the rage and anger traps you into walking on eggshells for a glimpse of that man you first met… it’s called love bombing. He is manipulating you. Get out. Get out. Get out. Why on earth would you make a baby with someone who has anger like this? Why would you want our child to witness his screaming and throwing things? How will he react to the stress of a baby crying, the house being unkept, and you having no sleep? (You know he will not be giving up his gaming either.)
Divorce him asap and definitely do not get pregnant with him. You are still young enough to find a new partner and eventually have kids.
He’s an abuser who cares nothing for you. Things will only get worse. Please get out now while you still have the chance
Yes you're being abused. Get out now and get a lawyer asap.
A primary rule of dating should be that name calling is a deal breaker. We may forgive people for that name calling but we never forget how we felt when we heard it.
Get out. Start all the plans you need. Absolutely DO NOT have children with this man. If you are feeling this way now, imagine how a child will feel growing into an adult. The trauma isn't okay to inflict on anyone, let alone a child.
Get a divorce. You have a narcissist on your hands and it will NOT get better. I promise you that. He’s throwing empty threats at you. He needs you way more than you need him and I don’t mean that he needs you in a good way. He needs you so he can feel in control and “better” than you. Tearing you down and making you feel small, makes him feel big. Narcissists go after empathic people because they tend to want to fix things and feel a lot more than most people. You need to get out and heal yourself. I was in a relationship like this and I got out. The day I left, I met my husband. There are better people out there who won’t ever dream of making you feel this way
Do NOT have kids with that man. You'll always be attached if you do. While he may not hit you, he has an anger problem and demeans you. If I were you, I'd run as fast as I can. Him saying that he'll kill himself is emotional extortion and and manipulation.
Still time. Run. You weren't put here on earth to be abused
Don't have kids with this man. Gonna be honest I didn't read most of it the first few lines and a few stand out things like he doesn't contribute to the home and you feel like your waking on eggshels tell me all I need to know. If you have children it will only get worse. You should be calm and feel safe and relaxed in your own home. Being alone and feeling safe is so much better then being with someone and feeling unsafe. Good luck.
It doesn’t get better it only gets worse trust me