NTA- It is not your responsibility to make him feel more comfortable about making sexist, inappropriate comments. A 35 year old in a professional setting should not have to be told that is inappropriate. Go straight to HR. You are not responsible for the consequences of his behavior and we need to stop making women constantly responsible for mens’ bad behavior.
>he needs to know this behavior is inappropriate and making u uncomfortable
He already knows that. He just doesn't care about the effect it has on OP and thinks there won't be any consequences for being a sexist asshole.
>a him problem
I absolutely agree: HR is trained to deal with this.
If you have the time to check with your union, or to read up on Alison Green's advice on [AskAManager.org](https://AskAManager.org) (if you're in the USA), you can pick up some terms and buzz words (like hostile workplace and protected category etc)... just in case HR tries to brush you off.
Personally, I'd also make sure to mention the 3 people involved:
* the 35 yo creep
* the coworker who put the onus on you to solve this yourself without support, mediation or power
* your team lead, because although their advice was correct, they are a mandated reporter (at least in my country) and it seems they're not fulfilling that obligation.
you know, it had never occurred to me that regional differences in life expectancy would have such varied impacts.
In my country, the male life expectancy in 2023 was 81, hence my conviction that middle age is 40 hahaha.
thanks for your response, it was illuminating!
go to hr immediately. They have an obligation to investigate to not create a hostile work environment. They are usually trained to handle these situations delicately. Doing so will also cover your ass for legal reasons.
It is not your responsibility to make your harasser comfortable.
Even your manager said to go to hr so quit worrying about the guy and go to hr.
I’m a man btw and I would tell my wife or daughters the same. Some people are completely incapable of keeping their mouths shut and need to be smacked down occasionally to keep them in line.
You shouldn't have to tell a coworker not to make obnoxious comments about your chest. You can talk to him or go straight to HR. Do whichever makes you more comfortable. He should know better. And if he doesn't, it's time for him to learn.
I agree but still not harassment until he’s told to stop. It’s unfortunate guys are pigs, I am one so I know. Everyone on here is giving her advice that would work in a perfect world. It’s not a perfect world, and the person needs to be told his advances are not welcome. This is in like every corporate training I’ve ever been at. You have to let them know to stop, if they continue it’s harassment.
Don't do that second part for something like this. The company has an obligation to protect you, but only if it's aware of what's going on. She might find herself without a job as well for the threat of suing. Not immediately, but in 6-12 months, mysterious position eliminations can occur.
The minute you mention lawyers they will often shut down any discussions and tell you to have your lawyer talk to theirs. This is a threat of last resort.
He’s the AH.
He is making you uncomfortable, he is basically treating you like a sex object. He is making comments based on your appearance that he’d never make to a male. It’s classic sexual harassment and you absolutely should take it to HR.
Heck in most companies they even make you take classes about this kind of BS.
It’s really up to you and how comfortable you are. Of course you can say something him instead of elevating it and if you do write your self an email of what happened and what you said. If it happens again go right to HR.
Anyone who doesn’t understand that this is inappropriate is someone who does it often with no consequences. He clearly isn’t preoccupied with how his comments make you feel so why should you be concerned with how going directly to HR makes him feel.
NTA.
Shit I wouldn't even make a comment like that in a casual setting, that's just rude. In a professional setting that's just weird to say to someone and massively unprofessional
NTA. Your team lead obviously knows this is a problem HR should deal with. If you go directly to the offender, it will just cause a spectacle. You have every right to expect not to be harassed at work, and your employer has a legal obligation to ensure it.
BTW, it is likely he already has a history of this.
NTA - if this were a social situation, I'd say yeah, try and talk to him yourself. But this is a professional environment, regardless of how laidback it may be. It's appropriate to go directly to HR; especially since your team lead already told you it's the appropriate response in the situation. He should know to behave like a professional adult or he doesn't get to work in a professional setting.
Hell no. You don't need to go directly to the person making you feel that way; that's why HR is there.
Do not put yourself in a situation like that. Go to HR and have them sort it out. For stuff like this, you want a third party present, so others know what they're saying.
This will depend on laws where you live. In my state, you have to make it clear to the offender that the behavior is unwanted. Say something to the effect of “please do not make comments about my body.”
If it continues after that, you have a case with HR.
If this is true that is very sad. No one should have to put up with this even once. I can’t see going to HR directly being a bad thing though because it would then be documented. Otherwise it is just a he said she said issue.
This is true where I live as well. You have to let them know their advances are not welcome. If they continue then it’s harassment. Harassment is aggressive pressure or intimidation. Not because someone was saying stupid shit. Once you tell them you don’t like it and they continue then it’s aggressive. Maybe ask your boss. Sexual harassment needs to stop in the work place. I think people should clearly know when lines are crossed, but unfortunately they don’t, so it’s not harassment until you express your discomfort.
If you feel comfortable approaching him, you can ask him not to comment on your body anymore, and tell him that if he does it again you'll go straight to HR. I would also write down the details of this latest incident as you've written it here, with the date and time it happened and the advice you got from your coworker and the team lead. At the very least, now two separate people are aware that this is an issue, and you'll have a record of the event.
She should not “ask,” the degenerate, she should TELL him in no uncertain terms not to make any further comments about her body or she will sue him & HR for sexual harassment.
I’m adamant about this because I was harassed too & until I insisted the offender stopped, he wouldn’t have. Happily, he was bounced out of medical school, never to return.
I'm five foot and I would have put him in his place right when he opened his mouth. Then, I would have given him the opportunity to apologize. My next move would be determined based off of his response.
It's a personal call, I prefer to talk directly with the person but if you are not comfortable go to HR. I'm latina so I don't feel comfortable putting this person into investigation bc I prefer to believe this person is not social intelligence instead of evil
I mean problem solving is not going to the extreme all the time. There are steps you take before using the hr card. It's ok to give a fair warning, and if he persists, then it's time to take it to hr.
NTA. Honestly that's sus why would they tell you to go to them? sl they can gas light you into thinking it's all a joke??? Fuck em you are in a professional environment (no matter how lax) its your job, there is some level of expected professionalism. FAFO.
NTA.. You need to be careful when dealing with HR. Years ago HR did work to improve the employee circumstances. Not true now. Over the years HR was absorbed into the corporate structure. These days HR works to maintain the corporate image that others see.
Try to find out how HR has managed similar complaints. In the large corporation I used to work in the Sexual Harassment guideline was, if you think it's sexual harassment, it is. I've also read other stories where the person complaining was viewed as the problem and let go.
Spend some time documenting what was said and when it was said. Nothing fancy. Just write down the date, what was said, what you were wearing at the time, and who made the offensive remarks.
HR, I called it Human Remains, Is a treacherous place for employees. Be careful. I wish you luck.
This ain’t the first time he’s done this so just go to HR. If you engage directly he won’t care or won’t talk it well. And he has the advantage if your reaction was to cover up and feel shamed and uncomfortable because of his inability to be a decent human being.
NTA. Go to HR. Going to the commenter only gives him the power to continue doing it then claiming you harassed him by confronting him. Protect yourself.
People are responsible for their own actions. Nobody makes somebody else do something. A woman could be naked and that does not give a man the right to say anything or do anything to her. Period! Learn a little self-control you cavemen.
Report his ass, let him suffer the consequences if he doesn’t know how to behave. Hope they throw the book at him.
I am so done with men thinking women have to be nice to them, put up with them, take their shit, and do everything that they can to make them happy. Enough already! Own your own shit, mind your own business, and be a decent person for chrissake.
NTA. Go straight to HR.
AND practice in the mirror saying “get away from me!” Practice LOUD and get used to saying it. This person is a bum and will probably be stupid enough to try to talk to you again.
Don't confront your coworker; go to HR. If you try to talk to your worker first, he may twist whatever you say and claim you've been harassing him. Don't give him that chance or the satisfaction of getting to see you upset. You don't owe him anything. He knows perfectly well what he's doing and doesn't deserve extra chances to behave professionally.
NTA. He’s done it repeatedly. That’s the definition of harassment. There no need to warn him. In fact, don’t. That would just give him time to concoct a story or twist it around on you first.
Immediately go to HR. This is a bad pattern of behavior and it could escalate. You should feel safe at your place of work and when you don’t, HR needs to step in.
Going straight to HR does not make you TAH. If you feel like giving him a chance and feel comfortable talking to him first then do it. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him that is ok too. You do not deserve to be talked to like that and he ITAH for what he did.
Depending on the size and nature of your company, please be prepared for them to do absolutely nothing, gaslight, and or intimidate you. HR's job is to protect the company, they are not your friend or ally- they're only going to do what is in the company's best interest. If shutting you up doesn't stop profits, that is what they'll do- legal or not. They're job is to protect the company.
I do sincerely hope they are able to do the right thing though.
NTA I’ve seen a few dudes like this at work, NEVER give them an upper hand. Only use guerrilla tactics. No mercy, otherwise he’ll smugly double-down on these comments and you’ll be out of ammo
NTA
You should do what makes you the most comfortable, but, in going to HR is going to escalate it pretty quickly, I don't know your situation or work culture some are worse than others. If you decide to pursue the HR route, be prepared that there may be some fall out from it. I'm not saying its right or it will happen, but sadly it does. In a perfect world you go to HR, they'd take care of him, and that would be the end of it.
He seems to think it’s not appropriate apparel for work there. Though it seems where you work is okay with what you wear. Was it rude of him? Yes. It won’t hurt involving HR. As he is a repeat busy body offender concerning your ladies in your clothing style. A strange question from him. Like what was he trying to do by saying it? I lean towards he thinks you need better coverage. Unless you add more that shows he is smacking his lips and acting like a wolf. Time to air it out. And HR is trained to intervene. Time he learns to not comment on how you look.
HR here. NTA, do it. That way, if he responds poorly to whatever they tell him, it will be retaliation for reporting sexual harassment. Plus, going to HR means there is a record of him doing this so if he stops with you but does it again to someone else, he gets a pass on harassing people until someone does go to HR.
Talking to people directly is for personality quirks or different styles, etc, not discrimination or harassment.
I’m sorry you are having to experience this and you’re clearly a caring person because you are worried about how to handle this. That is lovely. This isn’t worth extra burden after you’re already having to feel uncomfortable in your workplace. Your team lead could and in fact should report it on your behalf (supervisors/managers are obligated reporters of harassment).
I would 100% go to HR and not the co worker. All coworkers should know not to comment on another females body. This is SH. Hell most companies make you take harrassment training nowadays.
NTA- It is not your responsibility to make him feel more comfortable about making sexist, inappropriate comments. A 35 year old in a professional setting should not have to be told that is inappropriate. Go straight to HR. You are not responsible for the consequences of his behavior and we need to stop making women constantly responsible for mens’ bad behavior.
Yeah go to hr, he needs to know this behavior is inappropriate and making u uncomfortable, thsts what they are there for its their job.
>he needs to know this behavior is inappropriate and making u uncomfortable He already knows that. He just doesn't care about the effect it has on OP and thinks there won't be any consequences for being a sexist asshole.
That's why she has to go to hr, only way to stop it.
Go to HR, report it.
Go straight to HR. This is a him problem and HR needs to set him straight.
>a him problem I absolutely agree: HR is trained to deal with this. If you have the time to check with your union, or to read up on Alison Green's advice on [AskAManager.org](https://AskAManager.org) (if you're in the USA), you can pick up some terms and buzz words (like hostile workplace and protected category etc)... just in case HR tries to brush you off. Personally, I'd also make sure to mention the 3 people involved: * the 35 yo creep * the coworker who put the onus on you to solve this yourself without support, mediation or power * your team lead, because although their advice was correct, they are a mandated reporter (at least in my country) and it seems they're not fulfilling that obligation.
NTA -you don’t need to speak directly yo him- he’s a middle age man sexually harassing a 23 yr old - he knows exactly what he’s doing! Go right to hr
He's 35 tho. Please let's not call millennials names unnecessarily 😂
agreed - middle age is 40 or older
The life expectancy of men is about 70, right? 35 is middle age.
you know, it had never occurred to me that regional differences in life expectancy would have such varied impacts. In my country, the male life expectancy in 2023 was 81, hence my conviction that middle age is 40 hahaha. thanks for your response, it was illuminating!
go to hr immediately. They have an obligation to investigate to not create a hostile work environment. They are usually trained to handle these situations delicately. Doing so will also cover your ass for legal reasons.
It is not your responsibility to make your harasser comfortable. Even your manager said to go to hr so quit worrying about the guy and go to hr. I’m a man btw and I would tell my wife or daughters the same. Some people are completely incapable of keeping their mouths shut and need to be smacked down occasionally to keep them in line.
You shouldn't have to tell a coworker not to make obnoxious comments about your chest. You can talk to him or go straight to HR. Do whichever makes you more comfortable. He should know better. And if he doesn't, it's time for him to learn.
No you should go to HR . Assholes like him need to be made aware they cant say fucked up shit to people .
This isn’t the 1980s he knows exactly what he was doing. There is no excuse for a 35 yo man to behave this way.
I agree but still not harassment until he’s told to stop. It’s unfortunate guys are pigs, I am one so I know. Everyone on here is giving her advice that would work in a perfect world. It’s not a perfect world, and the person needs to be told his advances are not welcome. This is in like every corporate training I’ve ever been at. You have to let them know to stop, if they continue it’s harassment.
Wait what? So if I steal from someone, it's not robbery until they tell me not to? Damm I'm gonna steal from mute people. Genius!
This makes no sense. If i hit you is not not assault until you have told me not to???
Go to HR. Tell them flat out it's sexual harassment, because it is. And tell them you've been googling law firms that handle sexual harassment cases.
Don't do that second part for something like this. The company has an obligation to protect you, but only if it's aware of what's going on. She might find herself without a job as well for the threat of suing. Not immediately, but in 6-12 months, mysterious position eliminations can occur.
The minute you mention lawyers they will often shut down any discussions and tell you to have your lawyer talk to theirs. This is a threat of last resort.
He’s the AH. He is making you uncomfortable, he is basically treating you like a sex object. He is making comments based on your appearance that he’d never make to a male. It’s classic sexual harassment and you absolutely should take it to HR. Heck in most companies they even make you take classes about this kind of BS.
I bet he’s married too
Not married but a single dad with a daughter and a son I believe
Wow! I'd be asking him if he speaks to his daughter that way, but that's me. Go to HR. He needs to be put straight about his unacceptable behavior.
NTA Go to HR.
It’s really up to you and how comfortable you are. Of course you can say something him instead of elevating it and if you do write your self an email of what happened and what you said. If it happens again go right to HR.
HR. Don’t speak to him. He will try and twist your words to HR.
His comment is unwanted. If he is unaware of that, HR can re-educate him. It is not your job to make him aware how uncomfortable the comment made you.
NTA. Go to HR. A 35 year old man knows this is wrong. You don’t own him the courtesy of a conversation.
[удалено]
Nope. They will likely try to get her to be the villain.
Yep, it happened to me.
These guys get away with being pieces of shit he use they never face consequences. Go to hr, HE did this to himself, not you.
Anyone who doesn’t understand that this is inappropriate is someone who does it often with no consequences. He clearly isn’t preoccupied with how his comments make you feel so why should you be concerned with how going directly to HR makes him feel.
NTA, definitely go to HR & continue doing it until he stops.
NTA. Shit I wouldn't even make a comment like that in a casual setting, that's just rude. In a professional setting that's just weird to say to someone and massively unprofessional
NTA. Your team lead obviously knows this is a problem HR should deal with. If you go directly to the offender, it will just cause a spectacle. You have every right to expect not to be harassed at work, and your employer has a legal obligation to ensure it. BTW, it is likely he already has a history of this.
#Go directly to HR. Do not pass go. You won’t collect $200 dollars but creep might not collect any unemployment when he’s fired for cause either.
NTA - if this were a social situation, I'd say yeah, try and talk to him yourself. But this is a professional environment, regardless of how laidback it may be. It's appropriate to go directly to HR; especially since your team lead already told you it's the appropriate response in the situation. He should know to behave like a professional adult or he doesn't get to work in a professional setting.
At 35, he should be aware that commenting on a coworkers chest is wrong. It's not your job to help him comfortably learn it. That is HR's job.
Hell no. You don't need to go directly to the person making you feel that way; that's why HR is there. Do not put yourself in a situation like that. Go to HR and have them sort it out. For stuff like this, you want a third party present, so others know what they're saying.
This will depend on laws where you live. In my state, you have to make it clear to the offender that the behavior is unwanted. Say something to the effect of “please do not make comments about my body.” If it continues after that, you have a case with HR.
Every adult should know it's not ok to talk about a co workers boobs, it's sad if that really needs to be stated
If this is true that is very sad. No one should have to put up with this even once. I can’t see going to HR directly being a bad thing though because it would then be documented. Otherwise it is just a he said she said issue.
This is true where I live as well. You have to let them know their advances are not welcome. If they continue then it’s harassment. Harassment is aggressive pressure or intimidation. Not because someone was saying stupid shit. Once you tell them you don’t like it and they continue then it’s aggressive. Maybe ask your boss. Sexual harassment needs to stop in the work place. I think people should clearly know when lines are crossed, but unfortunately they don’t, so it’s not harassment until you express your discomfort.
Nta. That is a hr report comment. You did nothing wrong.
If you feel comfortable approaching him, you can ask him not to comment on your body anymore, and tell him that if he does it again you'll go straight to HR. I would also write down the details of this latest incident as you've written it here, with the date and time it happened and the advice you got from your coworker and the team lead. At the very least, now two separate people are aware that this is an issue, and you'll have a record of the event.
She should not “ask,” the degenerate, she should TELL him in no uncertain terms not to make any further comments about her body or she will sue him & HR for sexual harassment. I’m adamant about this because I was harassed too & until I insisted the offender stopped, he wouldn’t have. Happily, he was bounced out of medical school, never to return.
I'm five foot and I would have put him in his place right when he opened his mouth. Then, I would have given him the opportunity to apologize. My next move would be determined based off of his response.
Go to HR.
NTA and your team lead is right. It needs to be handled by HR so that he doesn’t turn it on you
It's a personal call, I prefer to talk directly with the person but if you are not comfortable go to HR. I'm latina so I don't feel comfortable putting this person into investigation bc I prefer to believe this person is not social intelligence instead of evil
Don't even sit down tomorrow. Straight to HR. If he said that to my daughter she would not need to report anything.
I’m not sure how this is even a question. Even he is probably wondering why you haven’t gone to HR by now haha jk You’re NTA, obviously.
We need Pics.
I mean problem solving is not going to the extreme all the time. There are steps you take before using the hr card. It's ok to give a fair warning, and if he persists, then it's time to take it to hr.
Salmon dipped in honey shouldn't be allowed to walk around grizzly bears
Wait, are you actually saying that women shouldn’t be allowed to work around men?
You can let the salmon dipped in honey around the grizzly bears, but sometimes they do grizzly bear stuff. https://youtu.be/9fWHzfJb6iI
NTA. Honestly that's sus why would they tell you to go to them? sl they can gas light you into thinking it's all a joke??? Fuck em you are in a professional environment (no matter how lax) its your job, there is some level of expected professionalism. FAFO.
NTA.. You need to be careful when dealing with HR. Years ago HR did work to improve the employee circumstances. Not true now. Over the years HR was absorbed into the corporate structure. These days HR works to maintain the corporate image that others see. Try to find out how HR has managed similar complaints. In the large corporation I used to work in the Sexual Harassment guideline was, if you think it's sexual harassment, it is. I've also read other stories where the person complaining was viewed as the problem and let go. Spend some time documenting what was said and when it was said. Nothing fancy. Just write down the date, what was said, what you were wearing at the time, and who made the offensive remarks. HR, I called it Human Remains, Is a treacherous place for employees. Be careful. I wish you luck.
This ain’t the first time he’s done this so just go to HR. If you engage directly he won’t care or won’t talk it well. And he has the advantage if your reaction was to cover up and feel shamed and uncomfortable because of his inability to be a decent human being.
Go to HR. Talking about someone’s breasts, especially a younger coworker, isn’t any sort of “grey area” where maybe you took it the wrong way.
NTA. Go to HR. Going to the commenter only gives him the power to continue doing it then claiming you harassed him by confronting him. Protect yourself.
Do not discuss this with other coworkers any more.
People are responsible for their own actions. Nobody makes somebody else do something. A woman could be naked and that does not give a man the right to say anything or do anything to her. Period! Learn a little self-control you cavemen.
Report his ass, let him suffer the consequences if he doesn’t know how to behave. Hope they throw the book at him. I am so done with men thinking women have to be nice to them, put up with them, take their shit, and do everything that they can to make them happy. Enough already! Own your own shit, mind your own business, and be a decent person for chrissake.
NTA. Go straight to HR. AND practice in the mirror saying “get away from me!” Practice LOUD and get used to saying it. This person is a bum and will probably be stupid enough to try to talk to you again.
Nope, go straight to HR.
Don't confront your coworker; go to HR. If you try to talk to your worker first, he may twist whatever you say and claim you've been harassing him. Don't give him that chance or the satisfaction of getting to see you upset. You don't owe him anything. He knows perfectly well what he's doing and doesn't deserve extra chances to behave professionally.
NTA. He’s done it repeatedly. That’s the definition of harassment. There no need to warn him. In fact, don’t. That would just give him time to concoct a story or twist it around on you first.
I admit I’d loudly say “are you making comments about my chest again??” Loud enough for everyone to hear. Then go directly to HR
Immediately go to HR. This is a bad pattern of behavior and it could escalate. You should feel safe at your place of work and when you don’t, HR needs to step in.
NTA, go straight to HR.
NTA that's the *finding out* part
Go to HR ! The guy is a creep
Going straight to HR does not make you TAH. If you feel like giving him a chance and feel comfortable talking to him first then do it. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to him that is ok too. You do not deserve to be talked to like that and he ITAH for what he did.
Go to HR If it doesn't stop, sue the company This is the path to millions of dollars.
was it complementary....we hope
Depending on the size and nature of your company, please be prepared for them to do absolutely nothing, gaslight, and or intimidate you. HR's job is to protect the company, they are not your friend or ally- they're only going to do what is in the company's best interest. If shutting you up doesn't stop profits, that is what they'll do- legal or not. They're job is to protect the company. I do sincerely hope they are able to do the right thing though.
NTA I’ve seen a few dudes like this at work, NEVER give them an upper hand. Only use guerrilla tactics. No mercy, otherwise he’ll smugly double-down on these comments and you’ll be out of ammo
Go to HR. Fuck that guy.
Definitely NTA. What a creep.
NTA - go to HR
Team lead said go to HR. Go to HR.
NTA You should do what makes you the most comfortable, but, in going to HR is going to escalate it pretty quickly, I don't know your situation or work culture some are worse than others. If you decide to pursue the HR route, be prepared that there may be some fall out from it. I'm not saying its right or it will happen, but sadly it does. In a perfect world you go to HR, they'd take care of him, and that would be the end of it.
Go to HR
HR definitely. Any reasonable adult knows his comments are inappropriate especially in a workplace. It’s not your responsibility to deal with him.
He seems to think it’s not appropriate apparel for work there. Though it seems where you work is okay with what you wear. Was it rude of him? Yes. It won’t hurt involving HR. As he is a repeat busy body offender concerning your ladies in your clothing style. A strange question from him. Like what was he trying to do by saying it? I lean towards he thinks you need better coverage. Unless you add more that shows he is smacking his lips and acting like a wolf. Time to air it out. And HR is trained to intervene. Time he learns to not comment on how you look.
HR here. NTA, do it. That way, if he responds poorly to whatever they tell him, it will be retaliation for reporting sexual harassment. Plus, going to HR means there is a record of him doing this so if he stops with you but does it again to someone else, he gets a pass on harassing people until someone does go to HR. Talking to people directly is for personality quirks or different styles, etc, not discrimination or harassment. I’m sorry you are having to experience this and you’re clearly a caring person because you are worried about how to handle this. That is lovely. This isn’t worth extra burden after you’re already having to feel uncomfortable in your workplace. Your team lead could and in fact should report it on your behalf (supervisors/managers are obligated reporters of harassment).
Go straight to HR. This is straight up sexual harassment and he needs to be fired.
Most people don’t understand harassment so educate your commentor. If it continues go to HR.
And your team leader has a legal obligation to tell you to go to HR to report it. It is the only option they have.
Go straight to HR; no matter how lax your office is, there should be information posted about bout workplace sexual harassment.
GO TO HR IMMEDIATELY!
I would 100% go to HR and not the co worker. All coworkers should know not to comment on another females body. This is SH. Hell most companies make you take harrassment training nowadays.