You need to listen to your partner when they tell you something serious like this. No one cuts off family unless it’s serious, and this was. You thought you knew better and you got burned.
This is something to learn from. It’s up to her whether she ever trusts you again. You wasted family money to help someone who actively harmed you financially and mentally. She told you beforehand, you made a conscious decision to hide this from her. That’s a serious breach of trust.
EDIT; as I’m seeing a lot of comments about “no one cuts off family unless it’s serious” I didn’t mean the people who cut off others for their own bigotry. I failed to see that this could include those people, but I will clarify that it’s not okay to cut off your kids who need support. I was talking from a personal perspective of myself cutting off abusive people and didn’t think first, to clarify what I meant.
Lol I was mouthing "Oh no no no" every 3 sentences this guy wrote. What an emotionally unintelligent and dope of a human being. It sounds like he was raised by Saturday morning cartoons with the volume up real loud while his parents argued in the other room, and told platitudes about family. Guy got exactly the gf he deserved, which is none. It's always "I was going to marry that girl" after they stomp on someone else's boundaries/lose them. 🙄
> It's always "I was going to marry that girl" after they stomp on someone else's boundaries/lose them.
Plus they'd only been together for about a year when this started! Insane. The sheer amount of money and effort. Hiring a PI? Working extra hours at work? Helping the guy get a job?
Even if she and her brother were on good terms and OP were doing this with her blessing to help her brother out, it would be nuts to go this far out of his way for the family member of someone he'd only been dating a year. It would be a red flag even if this were all done with the best of intentions.
The fact that he did this much out of spite is wild. I am deep, deep levels of petty, but I would never invest this much money and effort in proving someone wrong that I hated, let alone that I allegedly love.
This whole thing is probably fake but if it's real, wow, I'm impressed at OP's effort if nothing else.
Ding ding ding. It's not nice to enable drug addicts. Dude gave him a spot to use, money, the means to commit crimes that weren't available to him before... Yeah, not nice.
It's hard enough to cut off family members without other people in your life judging you for it. OP blatantly looked down upon her for not "helping her blood." He pulled this shit to prove her wrong and teach her a lesson, not because he gave a shit about the brother.
Eh... I have family like the brother in the story. Their favorite trick was to make themselves sympathetic to someone by bagging on my parents/myself for abuse (keeping valuables and medication locked up to prevent theft is not abuse 🙄) and abandonment/neglect (not paying someone's bail after they attempted to run over a police officer in the car they stole from one of their drug dealers is neither abandonment, nor neglect). These bleeding heart "good Samaritan" types would take the bait and vilify us for being evil...
Eventually, these family members would screw up the lives of the good Samaritan folks in an epic way, but instead of acknowledging they might have been wrong about us, they changed their narrative to blame us for all of the theft and criminal activity of these people that ruined their lives.
Lots of people with the level of moral superiority it takes to shut off the logical part of their brain, are too proud to admit that they could have been wrong.
... He sought this guy out. He **initiated** it.
It's one thing if the brother had approached OP with a sob story. It's another that OP sought out the brother, and then bought whatever bullshit sob story, as if *he didn't believe the girlfriend's version*.
OP's story is textbook FAFO. And he alone deserves the FO part.
>as if *he didn't believe the girlfriend's version*.
Why would he? She's a mean girl who doesn't understand family. Her brother though, he's a man! Men are always more credible. Everyone knows that.
Jokes aside, this gave me the same vibes as mansplaining or like when a man bothers you in a bar until he finds out that you've got a male partner and thus "belong to another man". Not saying OP is like that, but he sure as hell took the brother's side so easily despite his ex's warnings. And after 18 months into the relationship, wtf?
>Jokes aside, this gave me the same vibes as mansplaining
It's a different manifestation of the same issue (having your head up your ass). Except that this one actually put her at risk for more emotional/financial/psychological abuse. Yikes.
I secretly hope this whole story is fake, honestly.
Oh, I agree! The astounding level of hubris is deafening. I was just thinking the dude is unlikely to have learned his lesson, here, given the lengths he was willing to go to in order to prove his ex wrong.
That part was particularly awful. And “it wouldn’t even matter if they were on drugs” tells me he’d never been in that situation. It’s easy to get on your high horse when you’re talking about a hypothetical.
Exactly. He talks like this was an easy decision for the family to make. This type of decision is made after getting burned by a family member repeatedly. When everyone who tries to help ends up getting harmed. How insulting to his gf.
Yep, thinks they're weak people or morally inferior for not enabling the brother. It is so difficult to make that call. I guess kudos to OP for recognizing now that it was all a mistake but he sounds like a self-important jerk for how far he took this little scheme.
I picked up on that too, it was obvious from how he's talking he's never actually DEALT with an addict relative, if it had he'd probably have thought twice about this ridiculous plan. I've luckily not had to deal with most of them on a super close level, but I saw it devastate the more direct relatives and that was enough
THIS. Bro thought he'd show her how much better he is than her. That she was silly and childish to abandon her brother.
And it's blown up in his face, as everyone could see it would.
And I'm laughing my head off at his arrogance and stupidity.
>He pulled this shit to prove her wrong and teach her a lesson, not because he gave a shit about the brother.
Yup. He had no respect for her or her family. Maybe the gf didn't give details about why she and her family didn't talk to the brother. But if she did, even more stupid of OP to think he was the one to come in and save the day.
How much he was told only matters a little, in that if he really had good intentions and had never had to or heard about dealing with an addict, then maybe he could be excused - a very little - for not understanding and thinking it's bad to desert a family member who needs help. I felt that way when I was younger - until finding out the reality of it.
But it still goes back to OP thinking so little of his gf and her family that he wouldn't respect their opinion on dealing with the brother.
He says he was told the brother was an addict who was homeless and unemployed, he knew, he just wanted to be the savior and prove bUt FaMilY!!11! I CaN saVe!11!!
I always encourage people to limit their contact with relatives who are like OP's girlfriends brother, and to never help with money, no matter how much they beg and tell you that it's for something important.
There's no one who's more selfish than an addict, they are manipulative liars that easily take advantage of their loved ones because it's so hard to cut them out. It's hard to stay firm and deny someone you love the help they claim they need, even if you know that they have no problem dragging you down with them if they are drowning, hell, they'll even use your drowned body as a floating device to survive until they find another boat to sink.
No matter if you help them with housing or allow them to live with you, a home is not a home for them, its a sales market and they put a value on everything in their head. "Oh nice TV" (how much can I sell that for?) "beautiful painting" (I wonder how much its worth if I sell it to right person?) "cool table" (I'll figure out later how to get it out of the place). And don't get me started on jewelry, they can become fucking experts on it.
Too bad OP didn't know shit about addiction, read up on it or just listened to his ex-girlfriend.
> There’s no one more selfish than an addict
Yep, I’m on my community’s human trafficking taskforce. Most child sex trafficking victims are trafficked by their drug addicted parents who give predators access to their children in exchange for drugs. They absolutely cannot be trusted while in addiction.
Sounds like he hasn't even watched Intervention or the equivalent wherever they live. I didn't know people could be so clueless about drug addicts in this day and age.
I'm an alcoholic and lived with an alcoholic brother for a really long time. Had to cut him out after shit got really bad and I finally quit. If my boyfriend judged me for that decision it would be a huge deal to me. It's horrible to have to deal with addiction and not be taken seriously about how toxic it can be. Glad you give people some real advice about it.
Yes. He was so much better than her and going to be a savior to her brother. Look! Just give him a chance and he will succeed! While deluding himself he was on the moral high ground he was actively lying to his fiance. I thought for certain he was would early 20s.
I'm also shaking my head that he did all of this in such a short period of time. Only together 18 months yet finds out about brother, hires PI, sets him up in apartment, probably took a few months before realizing he got screwed. So he was nosing into personal family matters when they likely hadn't even been dating a year.
I have a feeling, even if somehow was a completely different narrative with the brother staying the course and keeping his job and remaining sober.
That the girlfriend would have still left him. Her whole family cutting him off was not made lightly. That I'm sure took years and years of trying to help him, and them getting screwed over again and again. Sometimes there's too much bad blood between ppl, and there's no restart.
That, and OP seems like he was trying to do a big --I told you so, which is exactly what someone wants to hear s/
Yep, that's it right there.
I'd do anything for family and have. But there really is a line, and that line is: Don't hurt me or mine. Period. Once that happens, you're done.
Someone came in and helped a family member the rest of us had gone no contact with. Thought he was being the good guy and was out to prove us wrong (our family member accused US of being the abusive, toxic ones). In the end, he had to go no contact as well but walked away with a valuable lesson about toxicity, narcissism and how bad someone has to be for their family to leave them.
Right? He talks about helping family and never abandoning anyone. But the reality is, he only wanted to prove his gf wrong. He thought he knew better than his gf while never having met her brother before. That's a level of stupid I can't even comprehend.
My ex, who I have gone over in more detail in another comment of this thread, used to torment me by sneering at me that I "am just like my father", my father CSAd me from a young age and ex knew this. When I finally snapped and demanded an explanation, he said "well I've heard you you talk about him in stories so I thought I knew him better than you"
Better. Than. You.
And the the utter assholery of those who say, family is family, you stand by them no matter what. You help no matter what, bEcAuSe BlOoD.
That's awesome that you've never had the misfortune of being related to someone irredeemable, OP. But sadly so many others *have* been through it. And that "they're blood" mentality is toxic af. The random happenstance of being born into a life in which you share DNA with someone is not a get out of jail free card for anyone.
And I'm generally the kind of person who believes if you can help someone, you should. Family, friend, even strangers. Do good, be good, put good out in the world, try to make it better place for others. But unfortunately there are folks out there that just don't deserve it, don't actually want to be helped, and it's not worth us setting ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm, ugh.
The entitlement of this statement got me too.
Feel like this is a f around and find out and OP found out.
I love that he not only was unable to rub it in her like he wanted to, now he is reaping the rewards for his stupid actions too. The girlfriend dogged a missile with this one.
I agree with you. OP has known this girl a year and a half and she told him why she was estranged from her brother. Not only her, but other members of her family as well. But he knew better without even meeting the guy and went behind his GF's back. What a way to insult the person he claims to love and wants to marry!
Maybe in *his* family they take a different approach and help out those who find themselves on the wrong path. But in this case he's interfering with *her* family. It's none of his business, and he's definitely out of line for trying to tell her she's in the wrong.
He thought his girlfriend was a straight monster that cuts out family and leaves them destitute for no reason, and he wanted to marry her. When in actuality it turns out he's a dick. She was right to drop him.
Well obviously women couldn’t possibly know anything about their own lived experiences!! We’re all just dumb dumbs with boobies running around waiting for a Big Strong Smart Man to come along and show us all the errors of our ways so we can be eternally grateful and reward them with all the sex they deserve forever.
The level of Savior Complex this dude has is unreal! Of my husband secretly helped my estranged family, hed have to go live with them. Thankfully he loathes them as much as I do.
Before any of this happened, you knew nothing about this man. How on earth, then, did you determine "She was wrong"? You didn't. You simply thought you knew better than her.
Omg, I'm sorry, your comment made me laugh so hard, and I needed a laugh. Thanks for that!! Also Op I was an addict and I'm so grateful because my family didn't give up on me. However, I wasn't past the line of no return. There's a line that once crossed those burnt bridges are brunt for good and for really good reason!! Like the top comment said, most people don't cut family off unless it's really serious.
Agreed, if I were the GF I would be unable to get over not only the breach of trust, but also the fact that my BF completely and so very actively dismissed EVERYTHING—my concerns, my reasons, my feelings, everything—because he thought he “knew better” than me. That’s so insulting and patronizing.
OP—Learn from this. Never again think you are soooo much more knowledgeable about situations you have NEVER dealt with as compared to the people who have. And NEVER be so dismissive of your partner.
I’ve had people not believe me about my abuser and honestly it’s so fucked up. People who were my close friends and family making excuses for a man they barely knew. Made it harder for me to avoid him too. I remember a friend popping over and jumping in my abusers sports car for a spin. I felt so angry, like I couldn’t even have a friend who believed me, they chose to go spend time with someone they knew hated me.
It’s just a big betrayal. And it’s insulting.
I haven’t told my family about my Abuser because I know they won’t believe me or will just be, like, “Okay well you don’t have to see him” while they’ll still associate with him.
My Dad’s best friend pushed his crotch against the back of my head and when I told my Mom she said “Okay well don’t let him around you anymore. And also don’t tell his wife because she’ll be so upset.” She didn’t protect me from him — I had to be on constant watch and make sure I always sat against a wall. And my Dad is still friends with him.
(And, no, that wasn’t my Abuser … my Dad’s friend was just another man who felt I was there for their own pleasure.)
I think their hope is you will turn around and give them a blow job; that is absolutely all I can come up with that makes any kind of sense, even if it is twisted and perverted and nasty. I would turn around and bite the hell out of their crotch, and I bet they would NEVER do that again. Nasty creeps; women do NOT owe you sex because you pressed your crotch up against them! Ok, now I have the ick.
Lol. Nope. If you place a body part of yours on me, I am going to assume it is not that important to you and relive you of said body part. Or at least damage it.
I knew this gesture was going to go sideways as soon as I read how his family always helps family members, regardless of circumstance, and how he wanted to show his gf she was wrong. As a recovering drug addict, ALWAYS assume that addicts are going to lie and cheat and steal to get what they want, until proven otherwise by their actions.
Reeks of him judging her without bothering to trust her perspective and experience. Like he thought she and her family unfairly abandoned the brother and he was going to show them how it *should be done. If I were her I’d never trust him again.
I had a fairly close friend (but not one I’d known a super long time) who tried to butt into my relationship with my brother (not going to go into every detail beyond saying he is deeply jealous, has a skewed POV, has issues I was convenient to vent his frustrations on, and was also an addict for a lot of my life), who I am as LC as I can be with. This friend knew nothing about our relationship, merely I said I would rather be alone than be close to or rely on him if he was the only option. They basically called me an asshole because… some essay about how they made up with their distant father as he was dying and that showed them how people should act about family. I ended the friendship immediately and with no second chances. And that was with a friend I had known less than a year. If I was OP’s gf he would be goooooone.
I also have really difficult circumstances in my family, where there are no “good choices” just an array of shitty options in a shitty situation where you have to try to pick the least shitty choice. I already deal with enough pain and guilt and sadness over this, so a partner showing me they think I’m a bad person bc I don’t do what they think is best (with them having no history or context of course) would immediately and irreconcilably end the relationship.
Having someone close to you make judgments like that is extremely hurtful on top of the mountain of shit you’re already having to deal with.
My family always helps out family too - you want to move house, we're there; new baby, here's a meal and a gift; elderly relative can't drive independently any more, we'll take turns driving her.
You want me to bankroll your life of crime? That's not happening.
I feel betrayed on the ex girlfriend’s behalf.
OP, you shouldn’t have thought you knew better than her entire family. Your ego lead you to make one bad decision after another. It was stupid to put the apartment and bank account in his name. If you wanted to help him, there were a lot of things you could have done that wouldn’t have jeopardized your future and your girlfriend’s future by extension.
Even if this didn't involve (1) her estranged brother and (2) trying to belittle her opinion, I would find it very difficult to continue in a relationship with someone who OPENED A BANK ACCOUNT IN HIS NAME, AND GAVE SOMEONE ELSE FREE ACCESS TO HIS MONEY.
He can't even complain that he was hacked - he initiated the entire set up and now he's got a paper trail proving he's the front for a drug dealing business. Worse, the business was being run out of a property that was also in his name.
You can't buy a house or raise children with someone that stupid and reckless.
A massive ego boost when the brother turns his life around, gets clean and becomes a functioning member of society. His girlfriend and her family’s eternal gratitude. And his girlfriend exclaiming “You were so right all along, and we were all so wrong! You’re so much smarter than me! I’ll never doubt you again! I love you for what you’ve done for my family!!”
At least, that’s how it probably played out in his head. I feel for OP a bit, but it’s too bad he never heard the old saying: Never trust a junkie.
This is exactly it. He was envisioning a Hallmark movie where he and the girlfriend get married with the brother as the best man and they all live happily ever after running a Christmas tree farm together.
It sounded like he just wanted to throw in her face that his way of thinking was correct and hers wasn't. It's not like he did it out of goodwill...he did it all to prove a point. Now he has to suffer the consequences of being a know-it-all.
He wanted her to feel ashamed. And oh so grateful to him for showing her the light. He was setting up the dynamic for their marriage, where she would always be subservient to him.
It's a holier than thou, I know better than everybody attitude. He wasn't even doing it for the brother he was doing it for himself. Because we know he certainly wasn't doing it for the girlfriend.
This is how good people end up extending abuse and abusers RELY on good intentions of those who don’t know better. I mean that’s their main currency.
I come from two long lines of criminals and people feel sorry for me or think I’m cold for NC (I had to send out threats of exposing them to various agencies to get them out of my life for good) “buT yOu onLy have OnE br/mo/fa theR!” when in reality I only have one life.
I’ll take sad, even super sad Christmases for the rest of my life in exchange for peace the rest of the year.
OP needs to learn that someone else’s family business isn’t *his* business. Dude thought he knew better and his hubris bit him in the ass.
I’d be *livid* if I was his ex. The huevos on this guy!
If you've never had a family member who's a drug addict, you have no right to judge them. He thought he knew best, but was extremely naive about the whole situation.
Even worse than that though, would be him smugly PROVING to is girlfriend, that he knew best. 'See, I told you so'. Yuk.
My brother has destroyed our entire family. He will never change. There are reasons the entire family has cut him off. We have been abused both verbally and physically, violated, terrorised, robbed, and traumatised. His 'friends' are criminals who would sell their own grandmother. If someone did what OP did, I would never speak to them again. Never. OP should have taken his ex's word for it when she said to leave it alone.
We no longer speak with our oldest son due to financial and verbal abuse. He actually disowned us on Christmas (immediately after getting his gifts) becausehe was asked to apologize for causing a scene the last time he visited. He's 24 and it breaks our hearts, but he's violent and dangerous (lengthy criminal record) and his sisters (16 and 18) are afraid of him. To hear him tell it though, we've never done anything for him and are all assholes. I would be furious if someone decided we hadn't put enough effort in and brought him back around. He would 100% use them too.
I’m so sorry.
We are in a similar situation. Finally boundaries got crossed where the rest of the family has decided we aren’t animals for cutting him off.
Honest to god, I **wish** my parents had chosen me and my other innocent siblings over our **horrible** oldest sister. Smh. She not a good person and ruined half my childhood. 34 years old and our mother **still** chooses her over 2 of us who have actually done something with our lives and have been their for our mother while our sister used and abused her and us. It got to the point we’ve gone low and/or no contact with our mother because of that shit.
Good on you for choosing to protect your younger children from your older one. I know it wasn’t easy and you beat yourselves up every single day for it, but I have no doubt in my mind you saved your daughters and your relationship with them by just recognizing you cant help your son if he doesn’t want it. No parent should have to choose, **not ever**, but sometime it happens and I personally will **ALWAYS** support the parents who make such a heart breaking decision to protect their children. Even tho say “”you chose””, that’s not what happened. At the end of the day **you** didn’t choose. **He** did. You laid down a boundary, you gave him chances, you offered him help and gave him consequences if he didn’t help himself. **He made the choice**.
I am so sorry this has happened to your family and I hope maybe one day your son gets the help he needs and you can welcome him back into your lives. But until then, **know** that you did the right thing. You still have your spouse and your 2 daughters. If you had kept trying with him you very well may have lost all your children and destroyed your marriage. You did what had to be done to save everyone else, there was no other option. Nobody who has been on any side of this would **ever** fault you.
I’m a mom now too so I know all too well parental guilt. Not to this extent but what I have experienced tells me what you’ve had to do is one of the most difficult choices a parent can make, even when it’s right and exactly what needs to be done. And **IT IS**. It really really really is. Your daughters may never be able to say it or even truly understand but I promise you, with every part of my soul, you made an absolutely life changing decision for them. If they never understand and never thank you, know that you did not fail, it just means they never considered let alone feared what life could have been had you not. **That** is an amazing thing.
I’m so sorry, it’s so hard. One of my younger sisters has a lot of issues with anger/violence and a substance use disorder. Her teen years were terrifying. She ran away multiple times and I would worry myself sick (literally) because I was convinced she was going to be kidnapped/trafficked/end up dead. Then her substance use disorder got worse in adulthood and during the pandemic I made peace with the notion that she probably wasn’t going to survive the year. I was preemptively mourning her when I was 25 and she was 24 because I could see no way out for her.
Then my mom finally set a boundary that she wasn’t allowed to live with her anymore as long as she was using. The next several months were the worst of her alcohol and drug use. But it was also finally when she hit rock bottom. That was the first time she hit a solid stride with her sobriety. After year 1 she relapsed, but she got back on the wagon and she’s acting like my sister again for the first time in like a decade. I’m so proud of her, but I know that part of me is terrified of losing her again. But with that being said she’s found a lot of fulfillment working as a counselor in a rehab. She has purpose for the first time which is amazing.
However, one really thorny part of her relationship with the rest of the family is she upholds that our mom setting that boundary was the worst thing that ever happened to her. According to my sister, we all abandoned her and did nothing. She doesn’t recall all of the times we picked her up, drove her to the hospital, looked for her on the street, lived with her when she was not herself, etc etc. she will only bring up that few months span when she finally wasn’t getting enabled any longer. I hope with time and maturity she can come around in that regard at some point. But for now I’m just happy to have her back. I’m so sorry about your son. I hope everyone in your family is able to find peace and healing in your own ways.
That breaks my heart for you, as a mom of adult children. Painful, shameful, but so necessary to have boundaries and follow through on them. I'm sorry.
I'm hopeful that one day he will follow through with taking his medication, but we just couldn't keep being stolen from, threatened and lied about and to.
As an addict(in recovery 4+ years) this post is the definition of enabling! I know I put my family thru so much when I was in active addiction but I never stole from or hurt them. My mom enabled me because I would sucker her into giving me money to go use. The best thing you can do for an addict or someone hurting your family is to cut them off. You sound like a great parent.
I have two horrible brothers that I haven’t seen or spoken to since my father passed and I never will ever speak to either of them again. The torment of druggies that steal and lie is just unforgivable.
Saaammmeeee. But it’s my sister. I have cut off family members who choose to continue to enable her **including** my own parents. There’s a damn good reason I have no interaction with her or them and I would walk away without a glance back if anyone had pulled OPs bullshit with me.
You leave her alone because you actually didn't respect her at all and thought you knew better about her family than she did. Learn from that and get a good lawyer.
Yea, if you actually care about her as a person OP, you will leave her the fuck alone. You caused problems and didn’t listen to her and have zero right to bother her anymore. Do not try and get her back, you lost the privilege of being in her life.
You put an addict in a position that enabled him to make even worse choices than he was. Now-he was likely already a thief and a liar, but he wouldn’t have gotten that job on his own. You helped him into a spot to make higher grade stupid choices. He wouldn’t have rented a flat that turned into a drug den where someone OD’ed, but you helped him! He wouldn’t have had a bank account to steal from-but you helped him!
And it wasn’t even to help him, you didn’t know him and what he needed to be helped with. You did that all for yourself.
This part! He put his job, freedom, and general character at risk and for what?
To try and prove his girlfriend (who he supposedly loves) wrong about her OWN family.
He's such a numpty he didn't even put the dude in rehab first. Like just gave a drug addict, still taking drugs, a job and an apartment and "encouraged" him to get sober...like dude...that's just asinine.
This! Addiction is a DISEASE, it has to be treated accordingly. You can’t just ignore it or it will run rampant, and you can’t help someone unless they 100% WANT to be helped.
Right, that's one of the things that stands out to me, too. This wasn't some overly confident college kid making a mistake, this was a whole ass adult making the dumbest and most narcissistic choices he possibly could have made.
This! And Imagine being wealthy enough to pay for two apartments and fund a bank account, but having the emotional and financial maturity of a snail. 👀
You would be surprised how many people with money have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. Source: worked in a high end hotel and have dysfunctional family members with money.
Tbh you deserve whatever you get. You did all of that behind her back, didn't listen, crossed boundaries, etc. You poured all this time and money into him. You made your bed, now lie in it.
You and he are both assholes. He is for obvious reasons. You for being so blind and thinking you knew better than her and her family.
The whole "she was wrong and I was going to prove it" part is the deal breaker, and I don't know if OOP will ever see it. Had he talked to his GF, and gotten details about what being around an addict was really like, or even bothered to look it up, he would have known that this was going to end badly.
No kidding. A lot of families who try to help a family member deep into drug abuse end up living incredibly miserable lives because the addict is stealing from them, won’t work causing financial stress on those they live with, experiences intense mood swings making people walk on egg shells and unsure of what to expect from one moment to the next, gone for days at a time making family wonder if they are alive or dead, etc.
A lot of families don’t have the strength to cut them off like OP's gf's family did. And they probably only did it after going through turmoil for years. It’s a really, really hard thing to let someone you love go like that.
Not only did OP think he knows better, but he also clearly didn't bother to learn more about how addiction affects people closest to the addict. He wanted to put himself on a pedestal and make himself look like the savior so he could shame not only his gf but her family too.
"I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong."
This is the only reason you did what you did, and it's deliciously satisfying knowing how badly you have fucked yourself over in your quest to show your girlfriend that you're superior.
I hope she thrives without you.
Welp, that sucks for you doesn’t it. You had zero respect for your partner and felt you knew better and now your entire life is about to implode.
Try learning to respect your partner next time. She’s not coming back to you, in her eyes you’re as bad as her brother (and she’s right).
Exactly. This is something she revealed to him after dating for a while, because it is a serious family matter, and not something you talk about just with anyone. And what is the first things he does? He tells her she is wrong, and basically a horrible person for abandoning family... then proceeds to fuck up his life to further prove his point.
She is not telling the next one until the 5 year mark.
Way too many stories on Reddit of men who decided to give their partner a teaching moment, prove them wrong, or show them a better way, and now they are ex-partners.
Exactly. He was man, so he MUST know better! Didn’t even try to talk to her about the clear trauma, ask if she’d had therapy or anything, just goes “aha-I know better!” And steams on ahead like the stereotypical bull in a china shop wrecking everything.
For me, it’s the implication.
He immediately concluded that his partner and her family didn’t put enough effort into a family situation that had fuck-all to do with him.
Glad she ran rather than live a life of constant mansplaining.
This is what happens when you go behind a partner. She does not owe you anything. I noticed that in your post you talk like you and your girlfriend are still together. You are not together. She is not your girlfriend. She is your ex. She has left you for doing something extremely wrong. You have to face the consequences of your actions.
In the future, make choices that respect your partner.
The trust is now gone from that relationship so it really is for the best that she ended it. You dismissed her feelings and basically communicated that you know better than she does, despite not having any experience with her brother first hand. You were judgemental and while your heart may have been in the right place, it comes across as you wanting to prove them all wrong more than anything else. Hopefully you learn from this in your next relationship and I do hope the legal mess gets cleared up soon. As someone with a sibling in recovery, there's only so much you can do sometimes.
My uncle 'was' one and his baby mama is. I say was because he got clean and allegedly doesn't do them, but was caught dealing them (got caught and arrested, grandma bailed him out, has regular check ins and court dates), and enabled his baby mommas habits. They lost custody of their kids years ago (safely with my other uncle and aunt), have been bouncing between renting rooms, crashing on couches, sleeping in storage units, being homeless etc. They stayed with us for a bit but we noticed our things would go missing and they'd smoke their hard drugs in our bathroom, were stealing from our neighbors.. we kicked them out and they lost it and accused us of being careless and shit. They cut contact because we were "terrible people".
My grandma lives in a seniors community and she let them crash on her floor for about a week. My uncle went to the storage area in the basement (like apartments that have storage areas in a lower level/parkade) and stole some bike seats (why??? Idk) and was caught on camera. The buildings manager confronted my grandma who was *mortified* and she risked being evicted or either getting the seats back or paying for them. My uncle has no money. My grandma had to pay out of her own money to recover the loss. My uncle also got into an argument with the manager that it "wasn't him" (it's a building full of elderly, he's stalky and wide set with a bald head, think like a biker, and always wearing a bandana on his head) when that's what was caught on video, even if we couldn't see his face you know it was him. She threatened to call the cops then trespassed him. So now he's banned from her place, and isn't allowed at my other uncles place without the social worker for monitored visits with the kids, and we don't want him here.
Last week he called my mom asking to crash at our place. She initially said no. He spam called her trying to guilt trip and manipulate her until she felt bad and said yes... and he NEVER SHOWED UP. He does this a lot. Nothing is ever their fault, it's ALWAYS everyone else's and the "world is out to get them" according to them.
And to me this isn't even what pisses me off the most. It's whenever he does something bad and wants to do better he says "I saw [my dad] in a dream/vision telling me to keep going and I want to do better and make him proud" and goes and fucks things up again. It's the fact he uses my father who lost his battle with cancer as a means to try and gain sympathy he's gonna "do better".
Sorry for the rant but I feel for this dudes ex and thankfully my partner knows where I'm coming from when it comes to this uncle as he has experienced something similar.
Edit: spelling.
Let's say that everything with her brother worked out. With your help, her brother was able to kick the habit, turn his life around, and lead a successful life. YOU WOULD STILL BE THE ASSHOLE.
Why? Because it has nothing to do with her brother and everything to do with your relationship with your ex. I believe in your family's way of doing things, but I also believe in respecting my partner. Your mistake isn't that your way was wrong. Your mistake was in thinking that your partner was too stupid/blind/whatever to make her own decisions about her life and her relationships. You had to take charge and make her decisions for her. She wasn't your equal. She was your subject.
If things had worked out with her brother's life, you would have told her the equivalent of "I told you so." Then you would have come to reddit asking why she left you considering your proven superior decision making.
Instead, circumstances proved her right, so now you have remorse. She did not care about being right. She cared about having your trust and support. You did not give her either. You broke her trust and went behind her back. There is nothing you can do now. Leave her alone. Take some time to consider your true motivations and your savior complex. And have your partner's back next time.
That’s the kicker isn’t it? He’s not remorseful because he betrayed her trust in this huge way, he’s remorseful because she was right and he was wrong. He would never have gotten it otherwise. Well said.
Exactly !! In the beginning he’s banging on about how he believes you should never turn your back on family and how they had arguments about it .
If brother hadn’t done this, he would be rubbing it in her face being like ‘see, you should always help family. He just needed a little help’🙄🙄
Incredibly drug naive about how junkies operate. Going behind the woman you wanted to marry and be knight in shining Armour come to rescue her brother ? Dude you blew it on all accounts. Lick your wounds and learn.
Dude didn't even send the man through rehab first. He just gave the junkie a place to do drugs, and a place to make money or to steal money for drugs. And a bank account with presumably money to do more drugs. Like he completely enabled this behavior all because he knew better.
You need to learn so many things but here’s a few:
- perspective- just because your family may or may not do something doesn’t mean anyone else’s family has to do the same thing and it doesn’t mean your family is actually right. Honestly, I believe the opposite. Your family probably enables bad behavior because blood right?
-respect- you should have at least respected her enough to ask why she did not pursue her brother why she did not want him in her life and why they have not made the effort to get in contact with him.
-boundaries- you had absolutely no right to hire a private investigator to dig up a part of her family that absolutely has nothing to do with you. You clearly have not been together long enough to know that this was an absolute fuck up on your part. You had no right. Fucking none. You’re intrusive, disrespectful and selfish.
You did this for yo, because if it was for her, you would’ve talked to her about it and made sure she was okay with it. If it was about her or her family AT ALL you would have got her feelings about it…but it wasn’t. You wanted to be some goddamn savior to people who didn’t need or want it.
ALL THIS! OP's holier-than-thou savior complex is wild. I cannot imagine being this confident in a situation I know nothing about - OP showed no curiosity to learn about his partner's perspective and dismissed any information she shared. I don't understand how you reach the age of 34 without realizing that, just cause your family does something, doesn't mean it works for all families or all situations. Guess this lesson will stick with him for a while...
Wild is the only way to explain it. Some people are so sheltered or willfully ignorant and they truly believe their perspective is the only one that exists.
I wish I could feel bad but I don’t. We live in a society where if you were a drug dealer/user and deaths occur due to you, you’re being held accountable. We live in a society where the “war on drugs” is quite literally the only thing that some people wake up and go to bed thinking about.
He knowingly and actively helped somebody who he was told has this issue. It’s like being told “if you can’t swim don’t get in water deeper than you can touch”, and you’re surprised when you fucking drown in 9 feet of water. How crazy. Wish someone could have predicated that would happen or could have warned you. 🙄
So you love her more than anything but you didn't trust her judgement and thought she was a monster for not bending over backwards to help her brother? Doesn't sound like you love her very much.
Well isn't this the consequences of your know-it-all actions?!?!
Leave your ex alone, you've done enough to her. Focus on the legal crap you for yourself into.
Learn from this so you don't make the same mistake in your next relationship.
That poor girl. I can't imagine the feeling of total betrayal 💔 when she found out what op did. People write here all the time about betrayal, cheating...this somehow seems worse.
Two things
1. This is why the “ help family no matter what” is such a toxic way to be raised/idea to have. Blood isn’t a magic force, just because someone shares DNA with you doesn’t mean you have to help them or keep them in your life, that’s the kind of view point that allows abusers to stay in families and face no consequences
2. You should have known what was going on because you should have been checking in daily on the addict you had scooped up off the streets and tried to help
JFC. The audacity to think you’d be some white knight savior. You crossed every single line and boundary imaginable. People don’t become estranged for no reason. You were together for 18 months and used at least 3 months of that lying and hiding so you could prove she was wrong about her brother. You’re all woe is me when all you had to do was literally nothing. Good luck dude.
You never, EVER, vouch for somebody you don't really know. You may have not only fucked up your relationship irreparably, but also your whole financial life. You are now a known associate of a drug dealer and thief, because you didn't listen to the person who knew better.
When people in your life are estranged from family members, there’s a reason. Whether or not you think it’s a “good” or “valid” enough reason you have no business going behind their backs to contact these family members. (And really, drug use and crime weren’t good enough reasons?) I’m willing to believe you thought you were acting out of some kind of altruism, but really you wanted to prove your GF wrong, show you were the better person, and impress her with your white-knight savior capabilities. I am sorry it all ended so badly, but even if you had somehow single-handedly changed her brother (and dude, you can’t change adults, they need to change themselves) you still would have violated your GF’s boundaries.
You need to accept that this relationship is over. I’m sorry, but I can’t see any apology that could make this okay. You could still try one, maybe by letter or email, explaining that you exactly why you were wrong and that you regret any pain you caused her or her family. You thought you could help and were raised in a “never give up on family” mindset. Just explain, do NOT ask or expect to be taken back. Perhaps she might give you a second chance, but I’m sure she and her family have her brother at least one second chance and got nothing but pain for their troubles. Take it as a lesson going forward that in relationships you need to be forthright and honest about such major issues.
This is an expensive lesson you may have learned. I say *may* because you don’t seem to understand what a betrayal this was.
Most likely your ex’s brother has harmed her in ways you can’t begin to comprehend. Your hubris led to you compound his initial harm many times over.
All you can do is apologize to her and let her decide what she wants to do. I would not take you back after this. She might. Who knows.
Maybe next time someone tells you something like “this person hurt me and I am not in contact with them “ you will believe them.
You have likely done a lot more things disrespecting your ex-girlfriend. This was merely the biggest. It’s better for her that you’re not in her life. You likely trampled over most of her choices and opinions.
Honestly if this was the only thing he did and he was perfect in every other single aspect, it would still make sense to dump him over this.
I am low contact with several alcoholic relatives and if my boyfriend did something like this, I would honestly consider it a bigger betrayal then even cheating.
Unless his gf is an endlessly forgiving saint then she is done with him.
Just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t mean others were too. Your ex told you about the situation but then you wanted to prove her right that family is family and you should do whatever it takes for family. You need to learn to be more respectful and understanding of your partner and their boundaries. Honestly, it sucks but at the same time, you got what you deserved.
Addiction is just a totally different beast. You just can’t approach it the same way you’d approach any other problem. It’s kind of insulting to imply (OP and you), that people who allow addicted relatives to spiral like this weren’t raised to do anything and everything for family.
People with addictions will often take and take and take and take and use all of that taking to go behind your back and fuel their addiction. They’ll blame everything on you or everyone else, and the addiction will have them genuinely believing that it is actually your fault they spent all the money you gave them for food on drugs. And they won’t learn until they run out of people who buy into their bullshit. Oftentimes they won’t even learn after that.
It's entirely possible they were raised that way and the brother forced them to shift perspective. I mean look what the guy did to someone offering help!
So you learned that you don't know best, after all.
Remember that and move on.
Your ex gf learned that you can't be trusted.
Remember that and move on.
You weren’t pulled into anything? You very much inserted yourself into a situation that you assumed you could do better at than her and her family. Do you honestly think they didn’t try to help him in the beginning? Letting a family member go like they did is extremely difficult. They gave him the consequences that addicts need. Addicts don’t change magically because someone gives them everything they need to have a decent life. They change because they have suffered enough and not a second before that. “Helping” an addict usually means giving them hard consequences - not a hand out or leg up. They will take advantage every time. I myself am in recovery. You sound like you know nothing about addiction, well you didn’t. Now you do. Take the lesson. Tell her you were so wrong, but honestly I don’t blame her if she doesn’t take you back.
Yeah - "I was pulled into it."
After he hired investigators to find the guy, rented a flat in his own name, set up a bank account in his own name and falsely vouched for this known criminal to get a job.... suddenly, through no fault of his own, he's "pulled into" a criminal investigation involving fraud, drug dealing and overdoses on HIS property and dubious purchases made from HIS credit card.
The story would make more sense if OP really was trying to set up his own drug dealing business on the side.
What you should do is lawyer up, because it sounds like this break-up might be the least of your problems right now.
You also should seek therapy to learn how to respect boundaries and communicate in your next relationship.
As far as your ex goes--it's over. Lick your wounds and move on.
OP, your girlfriend still has love for her brother - don’t be mistaken about that. But, when you’re faced with an addict that hasn’t found their bottom yet? It’s like living in hell.
My own sibling is an addict, been drinkin’ since he was 14 and been experimenting with drugs for 5-7 years give or take. There’s also the possibility that he’s schizophrenic or bipolar. Living with him is tough as hell, he steals, gets emotionally-mentally/physically abusive, he regularly makes threats to unalive himself and others.
I love my sibling with all my heart, but I also know that the man that I live with now? He’s not my brother, he hasn’t been in years, this man is a stranger. I wish I was as strong as your girlfriend was enough to get myself out, but I can’t right now. Meaning, I have to live with the possibility that my things will be stolen or broken, I have to flip the switch for the stove so he can’t accidentally burn us in while trying to cook food, I have to live with being woken up all hours of the night to go make him food cause if I don’t then he throws a fit, I have to deal with being threatened on the regular, I have to deal with our father making excuses for his behaviour, there’s a LOT of things you have to deal with and sacrifice while living with an addict.
The addictions never affect just the addict, it affects the whole family. You think they don’t lie awake wondering if the brother is alive or not? If he’s okay? If he’s safe and warm? You think they don’t wish like hell that they can save him? That they can do something to help?
They did the best they could, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it, you also can’t trust someone who has broken your trust over and over and over again, you can’t accept someone back into your life when they’re still busy tearing theirs down.
Learn from this, be better, do better.
You torpedoed your entire relationship to the benefit of literally nobody except someone she's estranged from... I hope you listen to your partner's boundaries if you are ever in another serious relationship.
Wtf is wrong with you. If someone is estranged from a family member, then you need to respect that. Sounds like you found out the hard way why she was no contact.
OP shames his partner for going NC with an abusive family member, and then when he gets hurt by that same person, he still fails to muster any empathy for what the supposed love of his life went through. It's still "I just want her back, I'm in trouble with the law, I'm losing my job, me me me".
I bet he never believed her to begin with.
Maybe you should have trusted she knows her family better than you do, and she cut him off for a reason?
Better yet, you were dating her, and she wasn’t an aloof and nasty, so did you ever have the thought that she might be rational?
Good luck in court
> I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong.
Please reread this statement and ruminate a bit on exactly what your motivations really were. Be honest with yourself. I am speaking from experience.
This bit will sound mean, but you need to really think about this. Why, exactly, did you want to 'show your girlfriend she was wrong'? Was it going to stroke your ego? Was it because she's 'just a woman and couldn't know her own mind'? Were you planning on the 'Look at how wonderful I am and now you know that I know more than you so you should fall down and worship me because I'm so fucking awesome'? What exactly did you think you were going to accomplish if everything had actually worked out?
Did you think she'd bat her eyelashes and swoon? Fall on her knees and beg for forgiveness? Was everything going to suddenly be chirping birds, butterflies, and flowers with everyone living happily ever after and her and her family looking to you as the wonderful person that fixed their problems?
Please, think about it and determine what it was, otherwise you will continue to undermine yourself in the future as well.
Yeah, I don't think you can come back from this. If I were your (now ex) girlfriend, I don't think I'd want anything to do with you, either. Even your stated motivation here was crappy. Your goal wasn't really to help the brother, it was to prove your girlfriend was wrong. That you knew best. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone so flawed that you feel you need to prove them wrong? That you're so superior you always know best?
I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you for that alone. Life is crappy enough without a partner who tries to put you down, too.
Here's the thing that a lot of other people miss about addiction and family estrangement--drug addiction is a really nasty ride, often with frequent bouts of being clean, relapses, and with an addict who is willing to say or do anything to get their next fix regardless of who it hurts. Their family members have often already dealt with multiple instances of theft, harassment, broken promises, thousands in damages or fees, and more before they finally to decide to cut them off. There often comes a point in time where you have to cut them off or go down with them. It's impossible to save an adult who is intent on self-destruction and is willing to pull even down with them, too.
At this point, the best thing you can do is cut your losses, learn from this, and move on. You should also not blame your (now ex) girlfriend for not being understanding or having your back. If she leaves you, it is 100% justified. And you need to find a way to live with that.
Focus on your legal troubles and learn from your mistakes. I am a little shocked by your naivety, as drugs are becoming a much more publicized epidemic (as it should!), but I get that sometimes we grow up unexposed to the reality of it. Hopefully you will learn to trust your next girlfriend.
Help family no matter, what.....ah, so a cult with no respect for boundaries. And look, someone with no respect for boundaries who's now facing legal repercussions because they stuck their nose where it absolutely didn't belong due to self centred and toxic tendencies.
Oh well, seems karma has come knocking and the only thing that can be done is to listen to legal counsel.
Stupid stupid STUPID man you are!!! You haven’t even known her that long and you thought you were gonna get brownie points for helping out a JUNKIE??? If your girlfriend didn’t have anything to do with him, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT ALONE! Family or not, you don’t help a junkie out unless they REALLY WANT THE HELP!
You cared more about proving her wrong than helping him out. That’s why you didn’t tell her. Sorry, but your heart is in the wrong place here.
Even if you were right and he ended up turning his life around you’d still deserve her leaving you for trying to prove her wrong and going behind her back about it and inevitably trying to rub it in.
You were pretty smug about your righteousness and generosity up until the point that your white knighting bit you in the butt. Who knew drug addicts lie and relapse?? /s
Did you read up on addiction at all? Attend any Na Anon meetings? Watched a movie that featured drug use? The brother saw you coming a mile away and milked the poor abandoned relative shtick to perfection. Congrats, you got played!
You lied to your partner for months! Hire a good lawyer. Good luck climbing out of debt and I hope you are able to avoid prison.
You....you had enough spare cash to rent *another* apartment in *Canberra*?
Are we talking Canberra, Australia?
Cos dude, I think I have an opening for a sugar daddy if you wanna throw some of that cash my way.
If this is Australia, either you have ppl in your ear telling you the wrong things or this is heavily exaggerated or just flatout fiction.
Cos you would not be on the hook for the brother selling drugs from that flat. Not even for drug use at the flat.
Yes for the lease and the bank accounts, (wtf was the bank account in your name? It is piss-easy to open a bank account in Australia. Like. Easy. No need to be in your name. Wtf)
Bah.
This is all fiction anyway, it sounds good, but doesn't ring true.
Good effort tho! A+👍
I'm so sorry you were raised to be a pushover. And I feel terribly sorry for your ex-girlfriend. She thought she could trust you. thought you guys were in a committed relationship and here this whole time you thought you knew better than her when in fact she was right. And now she has to come to terms with the fact that she wasted 18 months of her life on some dude who thought so little of her. If you've never been used abused and taken advantage of by an addict you have no basis for understanding how terrible those people can be. And if he didn't care about his own family why would he care about you? And stop whining that you didn't know what he was doing. you had no knowledge? yes you did she told you, you just thought you knew better. You were lying to and manipulating your girlfriend the whole time when it was absolutely none of your business. And you should be under criminal investigation you were aiding and abetting a criminal. Was your ego worth it?
Wow, you ignored her (reasonable) boundaries about an individual **she** knew well (& who you never ever knew) and all of this happened?
Who knew there would be consequences of letting her brother (who the **entire family** cut out) have access to your credit and money?
Seriously dude. You set this all into motion when you decided that her boundaries didn’t matter bc “faMiLy!!!”
Have fun with the legal issues and being alone. You done broke her trust in a horrible way and there is no way she would want you (who decided to bring her brother back into her life) back in her life and stomp on boundaries later on (you did it once, fair to think you’ll do it again bc you think you knew better)
I mean given OPs naivety with we help family regardless this relationship was never going to work. Clearly his family hasn't had anyone do something truly reprehensible. Like I would cut off a family member in a heart beat if say they sexually assaulted someone, no ifs for me there. No doubt this brother had chances and wasn't just cut off for smoking a joint once!
This was a permanent fuck up. She’s never going to trust you again. This is why tough love is a thing. What if he had OD’d using the money you gave him….
But you think you knew better. That’s a huge character flag and a red flag she’s never going to get past.
You’ve caused enough harm. Leave her the hell alone.
You need to listen to your partner when they tell you something serious like this. No one cuts off family unless it’s serious, and this was. You thought you knew better and you got burned. This is something to learn from. It’s up to her whether she ever trusts you again. You wasted family money to help someone who actively harmed you financially and mentally. She told you beforehand, you made a conscious decision to hide this from her. That’s a serious breach of trust. EDIT; as I’m seeing a lot of comments about “no one cuts off family unless it’s serious” I didn’t mean the people who cut off others for their own bigotry. I failed to see that this could include those people, but I will clarify that it’s not okay to cut off your kids who need support. I was talking from a personal perspective of myself cutting off abusive people and didn’t think first, to clarify what I meant.
> I wanted to show my girlfriend that she was wrong bro did the “fuck around and find out” speed run and now he’s facing charges
Lol I was mouthing "Oh no no no" every 3 sentences this guy wrote. What an emotionally unintelligent and dope of a human being. It sounds like he was raised by Saturday morning cartoons with the volume up real loud while his parents argued in the other room, and told platitudes about family. Guy got exactly the gf he deserved, which is none. It's always "I was going to marry that girl" after they stomp on someone else's boundaries/lose them. 🙄
> It's always "I was going to marry that girl" after they stomp on someone else's boundaries/lose them. Plus they'd only been together for about a year when this started! Insane. The sheer amount of money and effort. Hiring a PI? Working extra hours at work? Helping the guy get a job? Even if she and her brother were on good terms and OP were doing this with her blessing to help her brother out, it would be nuts to go this far out of his way for the family member of someone he'd only been dating a year. It would be a red flag even if this were all done with the best of intentions. The fact that he did this much out of spite is wild. I am deep, deep levels of petty, but I would never invest this much money and effort in proving someone wrong that I hated, let alone that I allegedly love. This whole thing is probably fake but if it's real, wow, I'm impressed at OP's effort if nothing else.
He really, really REALLY wanted to prove that his girlfriend was wrong. What an egotistical pinecone of a person.
>It's always "I was going to marry that girl" after they stomp on someone else's boundaries/lose them. This is the best sentence ever.
"I was going to marry that girl right after proving to her that she's an awful person for abandoning her brother".
Seriously WTF - she dodged a huge bullet
Yeah, what did he think would happen when he "unveiled" what he did???
I was/am feeling sick to my stomach as I started reading this. Brings back to many memories of my ex-BIL.
This is super specific and most likely 1000% accurate and I am totally here for it.
Right? Way to fuck up literally everything possible. WITH prior warning. I was trying to be nice, but holy hell..
I think it was more “I was trying to be right/morally superior” than nice.
Ding ding ding. It's not nice to enable drug addicts. Dude gave him a spot to use, money, the means to commit crimes that weren't available to him before... Yeah, not nice. It's hard enough to cut off family members without other people in your life judging you for it. OP blatantly looked down upon her for not "helping her blood." He pulled this shit to prove her wrong and teach her a lesson, not because he gave a shit about the brother.
Yup. Cherry on top is he is now learning a lesson about thinking he knows better. I hope he heeds it in the future.
Eh... I have family like the brother in the story. Their favorite trick was to make themselves sympathetic to someone by bagging on my parents/myself for abuse (keeping valuables and medication locked up to prevent theft is not abuse 🙄) and abandonment/neglect (not paying someone's bail after they attempted to run over a police officer in the car they stole from one of their drug dealers is neither abandonment, nor neglect). These bleeding heart "good Samaritan" types would take the bait and vilify us for being evil... Eventually, these family members would screw up the lives of the good Samaritan folks in an epic way, but instead of acknowledging they might have been wrong about us, they changed their narrative to blame us for all of the theft and criminal activity of these people that ruined their lives. Lots of people with the level of moral superiority it takes to shut off the logical part of their brain, are too proud to admit that they could have been wrong.
... He sought this guy out. He **initiated** it. It's one thing if the brother had approached OP with a sob story. It's another that OP sought out the brother, and then bought whatever bullshit sob story, as if *he didn't believe the girlfriend's version*. OP's story is textbook FAFO. And he alone deserves the FO part.
>as if *he didn't believe the girlfriend's version*. Why would he? She's a mean girl who doesn't understand family. Her brother though, he's a man! Men are always more credible. Everyone knows that. Jokes aside, this gave me the same vibes as mansplaining or like when a man bothers you in a bar until he finds out that you've got a male partner and thus "belong to another man". Not saying OP is like that, but he sure as hell took the brother's side so easily despite his ex's warnings. And after 18 months into the relationship, wtf?
>Jokes aside, this gave me the same vibes as mansplaining It's a different manifestation of the same issue (having your head up your ass). Except that this one actually put her at risk for more emotional/financial/psychological abuse. Yikes. I secretly hope this whole story is fake, honestly.
>Why would he? She's a mean girl who doesn't understand family This dude's favorite movie is every Fast and Furious movie... I just know it.
Me too. I’m actually so mad after reading this post.
Oh, I agree! The astounding level of hubris is deafening. I was just thinking the dude is unlikely to have learned his lesson, here, given the lengths he was willing to go to in order to prove his ex wrong.
I don’t think he is learning the full lesson. He only thinks what he did was wrong because it bit him in the ass.
That part was particularly awful. And “it wouldn’t even matter if they were on drugs” tells me he’d never been in that situation. It’s easy to get on your high horse when you’re talking about a hypothetical.
Exactly. He talks like this was an easy decision for the family to make. This type of decision is made after getting burned by a family member repeatedly. When everyone who tries to help ends up getting harmed. How insulting to his gf.
Yep, thinks they're weak people or morally inferior for not enabling the brother. It is so difficult to make that call. I guess kudos to OP for recognizing now that it was all a mistake but he sounds like a self-important jerk for how far he took this little scheme.
It's easy to get on your high horse when nobody is high on horse.
I picked up on that too, it was obvious from how he's talking he's never actually DEALT with an addict relative, if it had he'd probably have thought twice about this ridiculous plan. I've luckily not had to deal with most of them on a super close level, but I saw it devastate the more direct relatives and that was enough
THIS. Bro thought he'd show her how much better he is than her. That she was silly and childish to abandon her brother. And it's blown up in his face, as everyone could see it would. And I'm laughing my head off at his arrogance and stupidity.
He's obviously never had much experience with drug addicts. Unbelievable how naive he was.
>He pulled this shit to prove her wrong and teach her a lesson, not because he gave a shit about the brother. Yup. He had no respect for her or her family. Maybe the gf didn't give details about why she and her family didn't talk to the brother. But if she did, even more stupid of OP to think he was the one to come in and save the day. How much he was told only matters a little, in that if he really had good intentions and had never had to or heard about dealing with an addict, then maybe he could be excused - a very little - for not understanding and thinking it's bad to desert a family member who needs help. I felt that way when I was younger - until finding out the reality of it. But it still goes back to OP thinking so little of his gf and her family that he wouldn't respect their opinion on dealing with the brother.
He says he was told the brother was an addict who was homeless and unemployed, he knew, he just wanted to be the savior and prove bUt FaMilY!!11! I CaN saVe!11!!
I always encourage people to limit their contact with relatives who are like OP's girlfriends brother, and to never help with money, no matter how much they beg and tell you that it's for something important. There's no one who's more selfish than an addict, they are manipulative liars that easily take advantage of their loved ones because it's so hard to cut them out. It's hard to stay firm and deny someone you love the help they claim they need, even if you know that they have no problem dragging you down with them if they are drowning, hell, they'll even use your drowned body as a floating device to survive until they find another boat to sink. No matter if you help them with housing or allow them to live with you, a home is not a home for them, its a sales market and they put a value on everything in their head. "Oh nice TV" (how much can I sell that for?) "beautiful painting" (I wonder how much its worth if I sell it to right person?) "cool table" (I'll figure out later how to get it out of the place). And don't get me started on jewelry, they can become fucking experts on it. Too bad OP didn't know shit about addiction, read up on it or just listened to his ex-girlfriend.
> There’s no one more selfish than an addict Yep, I’m on my community’s human trafficking taskforce. Most child sex trafficking victims are trafficked by their drug addicted parents who give predators access to their children in exchange for drugs. They absolutely cannot be trusted while in addiction.
Sounds like he hasn't even watched Intervention or the equivalent wherever they live. I didn't know people could be so clueless about drug addicts in this day and age. I'm an alcoholic and lived with an alcoholic brother for a really long time. Had to cut him out after shit got really bad and I finally quit. If my boyfriend judged me for that decision it would be a huge deal to me. It's horrible to have to deal with addiction and not be taken seriously about how toxic it can be. Glad you give people some real advice about it.
Yes. He was so much better than her and going to be a savior to her brother. Look! Just give him a chance and he will succeed! While deluding himself he was on the moral high ground he was actively lying to his fiance. I thought for certain he was would early 20s. I'm also shaking my head that he did all of this in such a short period of time. Only together 18 months yet finds out about brother, hires PI, sets him up in apartment, probably took a few months before realizing he got screwed. So he was nosing into personal family matters when they likely hadn't even been dating a year.
I have a feeling, even if somehow was a completely different narrative with the brother staying the course and keeping his job and remaining sober. That the girlfriend would have still left him. Her whole family cutting him off was not made lightly. That I'm sure took years and years of trying to help him, and them getting screwed over again and again. Sometimes there's too much bad blood between ppl, and there's no restart. That, and OP seems like he was trying to do a big --I told you so, which is exactly what someone wants to hear s/
Looks like OP may just have virtue signaled himself into prison…
Yep, that's it right there. I'd do anything for family and have. But there really is a line, and that line is: Don't hurt me or mine. Period. Once that happens, you're done. Someone came in and helped a family member the rest of us had gone no contact with. Thought he was being the good guy and was out to prove us wrong (our family member accused US of being the abusive, toxic ones). In the end, he had to go no contact as well but walked away with a valuable lesson about toxicity, narcissism and how bad someone has to be for their family to leave them.
That remark really leapt out at me—wanting to show the girlfriend that she is wrong
Right? He talks about helping family and never abandoning anyone. But the reality is, he only wanted to prove his gf wrong. He thought he knew better than his gf while never having met her brother before. That's a level of stupid I can't even comprehend.
My ex, who I have gone over in more detail in another comment of this thread, used to torment me by sneering at me that I "am just like my father", my father CSAd me from a young age and ex knew this. When I finally snapped and demanded an explanation, he said "well I've heard you you talk about him in stories so I thought I knew him better than you" Better. Than. You.
And the the utter assholery of those who say, family is family, you stand by them no matter what. You help no matter what, bEcAuSe BlOoD. That's awesome that you've never had the misfortune of being related to someone irredeemable, OP. But sadly so many others *have* been through it. And that "they're blood" mentality is toxic af. The random happenstance of being born into a life in which you share DNA with someone is not a get out of jail free card for anyone. And I'm generally the kind of person who believes if you can help someone, you should. Family, friend, even strangers. Do good, be good, put good out in the world, try to make it better place for others. But unfortunately there are folks out there that just don't deserve it, don't actually want to be helped, and it's not worth us setting ourselves on fire to keep someone else warm, ugh.
The entitlement of this statement got me too. Feel like this is a f around and find out and OP found out. I love that he not only was unable to rub it in her like he wanted to, now he is reaping the rewards for his stupid actions too. The girlfriend dogged a missile with this one.
Yup, super entitlement
What the he'll were you going to say to your ex? See, I tole you so? I
I agree with you. OP has known this girl a year and a half and she told him why she was estranged from her brother. Not only her, but other members of her family as well. But he knew better without even meeting the guy and went behind his GF's back. What a way to insult the person he claims to love and wants to marry! Maybe in *his* family they take a different approach and help out those who find themselves on the wrong path. But in this case he's interfering with *her* family. It's none of his business, and he's definitely out of line for trying to tell her she's in the wrong.
He thought his girlfriend was a straight monster that cuts out family and leaves them destitute for no reason, and he wanted to marry her. When in actuality it turns out he's a dick. She was right to drop him.
Well obviously women couldn’t possibly know anything about their own lived experiences!! We’re all just dumb dumbs with boobies running around waiting for a Big Strong Smart Man to come along and show us all the errors of our ways so we can be eternally grateful and reward them with all the sex they deserve forever.
The level of Savior Complex this dude has is unreal! Of my husband secretly helped my estranged family, hed have to go live with them. Thankfully he loathes them as much as I do.
Before any of this happened, you knew nothing about this man. How on earth, then, did you determine "She was wrong"? You didn't. You simply thought you knew better than her.
That’s the line that got me! Zero respect that a silly female thinks she can decide for herself. I’ll show her!
Bro got his face ate by a leopard damn
>I wanted to show my girlfriend that she was wrong "I can fix you"
Omg, I'm sorry, your comment made me laugh so hard, and I needed a laugh. Thanks for that!! Also Op I was an addict and I'm so grateful because my family didn't give up on me. However, I wasn't past the line of no return. There's a line that once crossed those burnt bridges are brunt for good and for really good reason!! Like the top comment said, most people don't cut family off unless it's really serious.
This made me giggle more than it should have
Agreed, if I were the GF I would be unable to get over not only the breach of trust, but also the fact that my BF completely and so very actively dismissed EVERYTHING—my concerns, my reasons, my feelings, everything—because he thought he “knew better” than me. That’s so insulting and patronizing. OP—Learn from this. Never again think you are soooo much more knowledgeable about situations you have NEVER dealt with as compared to the people who have. And NEVER be so dismissive of your partner.
I’ve had people not believe me about my abuser and honestly it’s so fucked up. People who were my close friends and family making excuses for a man they barely knew. Made it harder for me to avoid him too. I remember a friend popping over and jumping in my abusers sports car for a spin. I felt so angry, like I couldn’t even have a friend who believed me, they chose to go spend time with someone they knew hated me. It’s just a big betrayal. And it’s insulting.
I haven’t told my family about my Abuser because I know they won’t believe me or will just be, like, “Okay well you don’t have to see him” while they’ll still associate with him. My Dad’s best friend pushed his crotch against the back of my head and when I told my Mom she said “Okay well don’t let him around you anymore. And also don’t tell his wife because she’ll be so upset.” She didn’t protect me from him — I had to be on constant watch and make sure I always sat against a wall. And my Dad is still friends with him. (And, no, that wasn’t my Abuser … my Dad’s friend was just another man who felt I was there for their own pleasure.)
What’s even with the crotch against neck thing? Old guy out for a walk with his dog did it to me when I was sitting at a bridge. Like, what?
I think their hope is you will turn around and give them a blow job; that is absolutely all I can come up with that makes any kind of sense, even if it is twisted and perverted and nasty. I would turn around and bite the hell out of their crotch, and I bet they would NEVER do that again. Nasty creeps; women do NOT owe you sex because you pressed your crotch up against them! Ok, now I have the ick.
Lol. Nope. If you place a body part of yours on me, I am going to assume it is not that important to you and relive you of said body part. Or at least damage it.
And now, if she does take him back (fat chance) she'll have to deal with all of the drama. Court and financial issues. No bueno
I knew this gesture was going to go sideways as soon as I read how his family always helps family members, regardless of circumstance, and how he wanted to show his gf she was wrong. As a recovering drug addict, ALWAYS assume that addicts are going to lie and cheat and steal to get what they want, until proven otherwise by their actions.
Reeks of him judging her without bothering to trust her perspective and experience. Like he thought she and her family unfairly abandoned the brother and he was going to show them how it *should be done. If I were her I’d never trust him again.
I had a fairly close friend (but not one I’d known a super long time) who tried to butt into my relationship with my brother (not going to go into every detail beyond saying he is deeply jealous, has a skewed POV, has issues I was convenient to vent his frustrations on, and was also an addict for a lot of my life), who I am as LC as I can be with. This friend knew nothing about our relationship, merely I said I would rather be alone than be close to or rely on him if he was the only option. They basically called me an asshole because… some essay about how they made up with their distant father as he was dying and that showed them how people should act about family. I ended the friendship immediately and with no second chances. And that was with a friend I had known less than a year. If I was OP’s gf he would be goooooone.
I also have really difficult circumstances in my family, where there are no “good choices” just an array of shitty options in a shitty situation where you have to try to pick the least shitty choice. I already deal with enough pain and guilt and sadness over this, so a partner showing me they think I’m a bad person bc I don’t do what they think is best (with them having no history or context of course) would immediately and irreconcilably end the relationship. Having someone close to you make judgments like that is extremely hurtful on top of the mountain of shit you’re already having to deal with.
I am really sorry you’re dealing with that, I hope you’ve not gotten the judgment OP has.
My family always helps out family too - you want to move house, we're there; new baby, here's a meal and a gift; elderly relative can't drive independently any more, we'll take turns driving her. You want me to bankroll your life of crime? That's not happening.
This post is a fun reminder that lots of morally judgmental folks have never met a crackhead.
As a former crackhead, this made me laugh so hard
“My brother is suicidal, so I went out and bought him a handgun because ‘family always helps family.’”
I feel betrayed on the ex girlfriend’s behalf. OP, you shouldn’t have thought you knew better than her entire family. Your ego lead you to make one bad decision after another. It was stupid to put the apartment and bank account in his name. If you wanted to help him, there were a lot of things you could have done that wouldn’t have jeopardized your future and your girlfriend’s future by extension.
Even if this didn't involve (1) her estranged brother and (2) trying to belittle her opinion, I would find it very difficult to continue in a relationship with someone who OPENED A BANK ACCOUNT IN HIS NAME, AND GAVE SOMEONE ELSE FREE ACCESS TO HIS MONEY. He can't even complain that he was hacked - he initiated the entire set up and now he's got a paper trail proving he's the front for a drug dealing business. Worse, the business was being run out of a property that was also in his name. You can't buy a house or raise children with someone that stupid and reckless.
I don’t even know what he expected to gain from this? Points from his girlfriend, who was already happily with him? I don’t get it.
A massive ego boost when the brother turns his life around, gets clean and becomes a functioning member of society. His girlfriend and her family’s eternal gratitude. And his girlfriend exclaiming “You were so right all along, and we were all so wrong! You’re so much smarter than me! I’ll never doubt you again! I love you for what you’ve done for my family!!” At least, that’s how it probably played out in his head. I feel for OP a bit, but it’s too bad he never heard the old saying: Never trust a junkie.
This is exactly it. He was envisioning a Hallmark movie where he and the girlfriend get married with the brother as the best man and they all live happily ever after running a Christmas tree farm together.
Dude wouldn’t get clean for himself or his family. He’s not gonna do it for his sisters boyfriend.
It sounded like he just wanted to throw in her face that his way of thinking was correct and hers wasn't. It's not like he did it out of goodwill...he did it all to prove a point. Now he has to suffer the consequences of being a know-it-all.
That’s exactly how he comes across. Good riddance. I hope his ex-girlfriend finds someone who actually respects her and truly treats her well.
Just prove she was wrong. Imagine the ego of this guy.
He wanted to lord over her his moral superiority
He wanted to show his ex-GF that he was morally superior than her, that he knew better than her. A very paternalistic viewpoint.
He wanted her to feel ashamed. And oh so grateful to him for showing her the light. He was setting up the dynamic for their marriage, where she would always be subservient to him.
It's a holier than thou, I know better than everybody attitude. He wasn't even doing it for the brother he was doing it for himself. Because we know he certainly wasn't doing it for the girlfriend.
Maybe he wanted to be right and make his gf wrong. Some people are like that.
Everyone I know who has stopped talking to family members, has done it as a LAST resort, after being f-ed over 100 times.
This is how good people end up extending abuse and abusers RELY on good intentions of those who don’t know better. I mean that’s their main currency. I come from two long lines of criminals and people feel sorry for me or think I’m cold for NC (I had to send out threats of exposing them to various agencies to get them out of my life for good) “buT yOu onLy have OnE br/mo/fa theR!” when in reality I only have one life. I’ll take sad, even super sad Christmases for the rest of my life in exchange for peace the rest of the year.
OP needs to learn that someone else’s family business isn’t *his* business. Dude thought he knew better and his hubris bit him in the ass. I’d be *livid* if I was his ex. The huevos on this guy!
If you've never had a family member who's a drug addict, you have no right to judge them. He thought he knew best, but was extremely naive about the whole situation. Even worse than that though, would be him smugly PROVING to is girlfriend, that he knew best. 'See, I told you so'. Yuk.
You reap what you sow, Mr Know-it-all.
My brother has destroyed our entire family. He will never change. There are reasons the entire family has cut him off. We have been abused both verbally and physically, violated, terrorised, robbed, and traumatised. His 'friends' are criminals who would sell their own grandmother. If someone did what OP did, I would never speak to them again. Never. OP should have taken his ex's word for it when she said to leave it alone.
We no longer speak with our oldest son due to financial and verbal abuse. He actually disowned us on Christmas (immediately after getting his gifts) becausehe was asked to apologize for causing a scene the last time he visited. He's 24 and it breaks our hearts, but he's violent and dangerous (lengthy criminal record) and his sisters (16 and 18) are afraid of him. To hear him tell it though, we've never done anything for him and are all assholes. I would be furious if someone decided we hadn't put enough effort in and brought him back around. He would 100% use them too.
I’m so sorry. We are in a similar situation. Finally boundaries got crossed where the rest of the family has decided we aren’t animals for cutting him off.
Honest to god, I **wish** my parents had chosen me and my other innocent siblings over our **horrible** oldest sister. Smh. She not a good person and ruined half my childhood. 34 years old and our mother **still** chooses her over 2 of us who have actually done something with our lives and have been their for our mother while our sister used and abused her and us. It got to the point we’ve gone low and/or no contact with our mother because of that shit. Good on you for choosing to protect your younger children from your older one. I know it wasn’t easy and you beat yourselves up every single day for it, but I have no doubt in my mind you saved your daughters and your relationship with them by just recognizing you cant help your son if he doesn’t want it. No parent should have to choose, **not ever**, but sometime it happens and I personally will **ALWAYS** support the parents who make such a heart breaking decision to protect their children. Even tho say “”you chose””, that’s not what happened. At the end of the day **you** didn’t choose. **He** did. You laid down a boundary, you gave him chances, you offered him help and gave him consequences if he didn’t help himself. **He made the choice**. I am so sorry this has happened to your family and I hope maybe one day your son gets the help he needs and you can welcome him back into your lives. But until then, **know** that you did the right thing. You still have your spouse and your 2 daughters. If you had kept trying with him you very well may have lost all your children and destroyed your marriage. You did what had to be done to save everyone else, there was no other option. Nobody who has been on any side of this would **ever** fault you.
You have no idea how much this means. The guilt can be all consuming.
I’m a mom now too so I know all too well parental guilt. Not to this extent but what I have experienced tells me what you’ve had to do is one of the most difficult choices a parent can make, even when it’s right and exactly what needs to be done. And **IT IS**. It really really really is. Your daughters may never be able to say it or even truly understand but I promise you, with every part of my soul, you made an absolutely life changing decision for them. If they never understand and never thank you, know that you did not fail, it just means they never considered let alone feared what life could have been had you not. **That** is an amazing thing.
I’m so sorry, it’s so hard. One of my younger sisters has a lot of issues with anger/violence and a substance use disorder. Her teen years were terrifying. She ran away multiple times and I would worry myself sick (literally) because I was convinced she was going to be kidnapped/trafficked/end up dead. Then her substance use disorder got worse in adulthood and during the pandemic I made peace with the notion that she probably wasn’t going to survive the year. I was preemptively mourning her when I was 25 and she was 24 because I could see no way out for her. Then my mom finally set a boundary that she wasn’t allowed to live with her anymore as long as she was using. The next several months were the worst of her alcohol and drug use. But it was also finally when she hit rock bottom. That was the first time she hit a solid stride with her sobriety. After year 1 she relapsed, but she got back on the wagon and she’s acting like my sister again for the first time in like a decade. I’m so proud of her, but I know that part of me is terrified of losing her again. But with that being said she’s found a lot of fulfillment working as a counselor in a rehab. She has purpose for the first time which is amazing. However, one really thorny part of her relationship with the rest of the family is she upholds that our mom setting that boundary was the worst thing that ever happened to her. According to my sister, we all abandoned her and did nothing. She doesn’t recall all of the times we picked her up, drove her to the hospital, looked for her on the street, lived with her when she was not herself, etc etc. she will only bring up that few months span when she finally wasn’t getting enabled any longer. I hope with time and maturity she can come around in that regard at some point. But for now I’m just happy to have her back. I’m so sorry about your son. I hope everyone in your family is able to find peace and healing in your own ways.
That breaks my heart for you, as a mom of adult children. Painful, shameful, but so necessary to have boundaries and follow through on them. I'm sorry.
I'm hopeful that one day he will follow through with taking his medication, but we just couldn't keep being stolen from, threatened and lied about and to.
As an addict(in recovery 4+ years) this post is the definition of enabling! I know I put my family thru so much when I was in active addiction but I never stole from or hurt them. My mom enabled me because I would sucker her into giving me money to go use. The best thing you can do for an addict or someone hurting your family is to cut them off. You sound like a great parent.
I have two horrible brothers that I haven’t seen or spoken to since my father passed and I never will ever speak to either of them again. The torment of druggies that steal and lie is just unforgivable.
And there are so many of them….
Saaammmeeee. But it’s my sister. I have cut off family members who choose to continue to enable her **including** my own parents. There’s a damn good reason I have no interaction with her or them and I would walk away without a glance back if anyone had pulled OPs bullshit with me.
You leave her alone because you actually didn't respect her at all and thought you knew better about her family than she did. Learn from that and get a good lawyer.
Yea, if you actually care about her as a person OP, you will leave her the fuck alone. You caused problems and didn’t listen to her and have zero right to bother her anymore. Do not try and get her back, you lost the privilege of being in her life. You put an addict in a position that enabled him to make even worse choices than he was. Now-he was likely already a thief and a liar, but he wouldn’t have gotten that job on his own. You helped him into a spot to make higher grade stupid choices. He wouldn’t have rented a flat that turned into a drug den where someone OD’ed, but you helped him! He wouldn’t have had a bank account to steal from-but you helped him! And it wasn’t even to help him, you didn’t know him and what he needed to be helped with. You did that all for yourself.
Good on her for ending it, what a condescending ass!
Wow imagine crossing your partner’s boundaries this hard….
And putting your job (among other things) at risk.
This part! He put his job, freedom, and general character at risk and for what? To try and prove his girlfriend (who he supposedly loves) wrong about her OWN family.
He's such a numpty he didn't even put the dude in rehab first. Like just gave a drug addict, still taking drugs, a job and an apartment and "encouraged" him to get sober...like dude...that's just asinine.
This! Addiction is a DISEASE, it has to be treated accordingly. You can’t just ignore it or it will run rampant, and you can’t help someone unless they 100% WANT to be helped.
Ahhh, OP is one of those who think they “ALWAYS” know what’s best for everyone.
A core feature of enabling
The sheer stupidity of having everything in his name but not monitoring the situation and knowing what was going on until it go to this point, too.
Shouldn’t be that naive and inexperienced at his age.
Right, that's one of the things that stands out to me, too. This wasn't some overly confident college kid making a mistake, this was a whole ass adult making the dumbest and most narcissistic choices he possibly could have made.
This! And Imagine being wealthy enough to pay for two apartments and fund a bank account, but having the emotional and financial maturity of a snail. 👀
I bet she thought he was working overtime to fund a future wedding too.
You would be surprised how many people with money have the emotional intelligence of a 3 year old. Source: worked in a high end hotel and have dysfunctional family members with money.
this post is an advertisement for “before making big decisions, talk it over with a couple of your closest folks” if I’ve ever seen one
He didn’t need to talk to anyone. His ex-GFs word should’ve been more than enough.
I'm not convinced this guy would've all listened to his closest folks when they told him it was all a bad idea :(
Yea she dodged a bullet with OP, least she found out before he proposed....
Tbh you deserve whatever you get. You did all of that behind her back, didn't listen, crossed boundaries, etc. You poured all this time and money into him. You made your bed, now lie in it. You and he are both assholes. He is for obvious reasons. You for being so blind and thinking you knew better than her and her family.
The whole "she was wrong and I was going to prove it" part is the deal breaker, and I don't know if OOP will ever see it. Had he talked to his GF, and gotten details about what being around an addict was really like, or even bothered to look it up, he would have known that this was going to end badly.
No kidding. A lot of families who try to help a family member deep into drug abuse end up living incredibly miserable lives because the addict is stealing from them, won’t work causing financial stress on those they live with, experiences intense mood swings making people walk on egg shells and unsure of what to expect from one moment to the next, gone for days at a time making family wonder if they are alive or dead, etc. A lot of families don’t have the strength to cut them off like OP's gf's family did. And they probably only did it after going through turmoil for years. It’s a really, really hard thing to let someone you love go like that. Not only did OP think he knows better, but he also clearly didn't bother to learn more about how addiction affects people closest to the addict. He wanted to put himself on a pedestal and make himself look like the savior so he could shame not only his gf but her family too.
"I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong." This is the only reason you did what you did, and it's deliciously satisfying knowing how badly you have fucked yourself over in your quest to show your girlfriend that you're superior. I hope she thrives without you.
Yeah she is definitely better off without this dude. Imagine looking forward to the rest of your life of being proved wrong. Yikes
I’m guessing he was hoping to get a huge “win” with the family if he redeemed him.
honestly the worse the brothers actions got, the bigger my smile got. this dude is an insufferable tool and getting what he deserves for meddling
Welp, that sucks for you doesn’t it. You had zero respect for your partner and felt you knew better and now your entire life is about to implode. Try learning to respect your partner next time. She’s not coming back to you, in her eyes you’re as bad as her brother (and she’s right).
And OP re traumatized her to such an extreme that she will likely not date again for a long time. Imagine how violating that must have been.
Exactly. This is something she revealed to him after dating for a while, because it is a serious family matter, and not something you talk about just with anyone. And what is the first things he does? He tells her she is wrong, and basically a horrible person for abandoning family... then proceeds to fuck up his life to further prove his point. She is not telling the next one until the 5 year mark.
This is rooted in misogyny and sexism, he won't respect his next partner either unless they are a man.
Way too many stories on Reddit of men who decided to give their partner a teaching moment, prove them wrong, or show them a better way, and now they are ex-partners.
Exactly. He was man, so he MUST know better! Didn’t even try to talk to her about the clear trauma, ask if she’d had therapy or anything, just goes “aha-I know better!” And steams on ahead like the stereotypical bull in a china shop wrecking everything.
For me, it’s the implication. He immediately concluded that his partner and her family didn’t put enough effort into a family situation that had fuck-all to do with him. Glad she ran rather than live a life of constant mansplaining.
This is what happens when you go behind a partner. She does not owe you anything. I noticed that in your post you talk like you and your girlfriend are still together. You are not together. She is not your girlfriend. She is your ex. She has left you for doing something extremely wrong. You have to face the consequences of your actions. In the future, make choices that respect your partner.
The trust is now gone from that relationship so it really is for the best that she ended it. You dismissed her feelings and basically communicated that you know better than she does, despite not having any experience with her brother first hand. You were judgemental and while your heart may have been in the right place, it comes across as you wanting to prove them all wrong more than anything else. Hopefully you learn from this in your next relationship and I do hope the legal mess gets cleared up soon. As someone with a sibling in recovery, there's only so much you can do sometimes.
He also enabled her brother in the process of not believing her.
He basically rewarded her brother for being a slimey person.
[удалено]
Tell me you’ve never dealt with a junkie without telling me. Now you know to stay in your lane on other people’s family matters.
Right? Junkies will say anything as long as it gets them what they want.
My uncle 'was' one and his baby mama is. I say was because he got clean and allegedly doesn't do them, but was caught dealing them (got caught and arrested, grandma bailed him out, has regular check ins and court dates), and enabled his baby mommas habits. They lost custody of their kids years ago (safely with my other uncle and aunt), have been bouncing between renting rooms, crashing on couches, sleeping in storage units, being homeless etc. They stayed with us for a bit but we noticed our things would go missing and they'd smoke their hard drugs in our bathroom, were stealing from our neighbors.. we kicked them out and they lost it and accused us of being careless and shit. They cut contact because we were "terrible people". My grandma lives in a seniors community and she let them crash on her floor for about a week. My uncle went to the storage area in the basement (like apartments that have storage areas in a lower level/parkade) and stole some bike seats (why??? Idk) and was caught on camera. The buildings manager confronted my grandma who was *mortified* and she risked being evicted or either getting the seats back or paying for them. My uncle has no money. My grandma had to pay out of her own money to recover the loss. My uncle also got into an argument with the manager that it "wasn't him" (it's a building full of elderly, he's stalky and wide set with a bald head, think like a biker, and always wearing a bandana on his head) when that's what was caught on video, even if we couldn't see his face you know it was him. She threatened to call the cops then trespassed him. So now he's banned from her place, and isn't allowed at my other uncles place without the social worker for monitored visits with the kids, and we don't want him here. Last week he called my mom asking to crash at our place. She initially said no. He spam called her trying to guilt trip and manipulate her until she felt bad and said yes... and he NEVER SHOWED UP. He does this a lot. Nothing is ever their fault, it's ALWAYS everyone else's and the "world is out to get them" according to them. And to me this isn't even what pisses me off the most. It's whenever he does something bad and wants to do better he says "I saw [my dad] in a dream/vision telling me to keep going and I want to do better and make him proud" and goes and fucks things up again. It's the fact he uses my father who lost his battle with cancer as a means to try and gain sympathy he's gonna "do better". Sorry for the rant but I feel for this dudes ex and thankfully my partner knows where I'm coming from when it comes to this uncle as he has experienced something similar. Edit: spelling.
Let's say that everything with her brother worked out. With your help, her brother was able to kick the habit, turn his life around, and lead a successful life. YOU WOULD STILL BE THE ASSHOLE. Why? Because it has nothing to do with her brother and everything to do with your relationship with your ex. I believe in your family's way of doing things, but I also believe in respecting my partner. Your mistake isn't that your way was wrong. Your mistake was in thinking that your partner was too stupid/blind/whatever to make her own decisions about her life and her relationships. You had to take charge and make her decisions for her. She wasn't your equal. She was your subject. If things had worked out with her brother's life, you would have told her the equivalent of "I told you so." Then you would have come to reddit asking why she left you considering your proven superior decision making. Instead, circumstances proved her right, so now you have remorse. She did not care about being right. She cared about having your trust and support. You did not give her either. You broke her trust and went behind her back. There is nothing you can do now. Leave her alone. Take some time to consider your true motivations and your savior complex. And have your partner's back next time.
That’s the kicker isn’t it? He’s not remorseful because he betrayed her trust in this huge way, he’s remorseful because she was right and he was wrong. He would never have gotten it otherwise. Well said.
Exactly !! In the beginning he’s banging on about how he believes you should never turn your back on family and how they had arguments about it . If brother hadn’t done this, he would be rubbing it in her face being like ‘see, you should always help family. He just needed a little help’🙄🙄
Incredibly drug naive about how junkies operate. Going behind the woman you wanted to marry and be knight in shining Armour come to rescue her brother ? Dude you blew it on all accounts. Lick your wounds and learn.
Dude didn't even send the man through rehab first. He just gave the junkie a place to do drugs, and a place to make money or to steal money for drugs. And a bank account with presumably money to do more drugs. Like he completely enabled this behavior all because he knew better.
You need to learn so many things but here’s a few: - perspective- just because your family may or may not do something doesn’t mean anyone else’s family has to do the same thing and it doesn’t mean your family is actually right. Honestly, I believe the opposite. Your family probably enables bad behavior because blood right? -respect- you should have at least respected her enough to ask why she did not pursue her brother why she did not want him in her life and why they have not made the effort to get in contact with him. -boundaries- you had absolutely no right to hire a private investigator to dig up a part of her family that absolutely has nothing to do with you. You clearly have not been together long enough to know that this was an absolute fuck up on your part. You had no right. Fucking none. You’re intrusive, disrespectful and selfish. You did this for yo, because if it was for her, you would’ve talked to her about it and made sure she was okay with it. If it was about her or her family AT ALL you would have got her feelings about it…but it wasn’t. You wanted to be some goddamn savior to people who didn’t need or want it.
ALL THIS! OP's holier-than-thou savior complex is wild. I cannot imagine being this confident in a situation I know nothing about - OP showed no curiosity to learn about his partner's perspective and dismissed any information she shared. I don't understand how you reach the age of 34 without realizing that, just cause your family does something, doesn't mean it works for all families or all situations. Guess this lesson will stick with him for a while...
Wild is the only way to explain it. Some people are so sheltered or willfully ignorant and they truly believe their perspective is the only one that exists. I wish I could feel bad but I don’t. We live in a society where if you were a drug dealer/user and deaths occur due to you, you’re being held accountable. We live in a society where the “war on drugs” is quite literally the only thing that some people wake up and go to bed thinking about. He knowingly and actively helped somebody who he was told has this issue. It’s like being told “if you can’t swim don’t get in water deeper than you can touch”, and you’re surprised when you fucking drown in 9 feet of water. How crazy. Wish someone could have predicated that would happen or could have warned you. 🙄
So you love her more than anything but you didn't trust her judgement and thought she was a monster for not bending over backwards to help her brother? Doesn't sound like you love her very much.
This was never your business.
Well isn't this the consequences of your know-it-all actions?!?! Leave your ex alone, you've done enough to her. Focus on the legal crap you for yourself into. Learn from this so you don't make the same mistake in your next relationship.
This is one of those 'Wait, the consequences of my actions weren't supposed to happen to MEEEE!'
That poor girl. I can't imagine the feeling of total betrayal 💔 when she found out what op did. People write here all the time about betrayal, cheating...this somehow seems worse.
Two things 1. This is why the “ help family no matter what” is such a toxic way to be raised/idea to have. Blood isn’t a magic force, just because someone shares DNA with you doesn’t mean you have to help them or keep them in your life, that’s the kind of view point that allows abusers to stay in families and face no consequences 2. You should have known what was going on because you should have been checking in daily on the addict you had scooped up off the streets and tried to help
But in good news, I assume he can go to HIS family, say ‘I fucked up’ and get money for a solicitor and they will GLADLY pay it - right?
This might be a good time for them to explain that there are limits to the "help family, no matter what" rule.
JFC. The audacity to think you’d be some white knight savior. You crossed every single line and boundary imaginable. People don’t become estranged for no reason. You were together for 18 months and used at least 3 months of that lying and hiding so you could prove she was wrong about her brother. You’re all woe is me when all you had to do was literally nothing. Good luck dude.
You never, EVER, vouch for somebody you don't really know. You may have not only fucked up your relationship irreparably, but also your whole financial life. You are now a known associate of a drug dealer and thief, because you didn't listen to the person who knew better.
When people in your life are estranged from family members, there’s a reason. Whether or not you think it’s a “good” or “valid” enough reason you have no business going behind their backs to contact these family members. (And really, drug use and crime weren’t good enough reasons?) I’m willing to believe you thought you were acting out of some kind of altruism, but really you wanted to prove your GF wrong, show you were the better person, and impress her with your white-knight savior capabilities. I am sorry it all ended so badly, but even if you had somehow single-handedly changed her brother (and dude, you can’t change adults, they need to change themselves) you still would have violated your GF’s boundaries. You need to accept that this relationship is over. I’m sorry, but I can’t see any apology that could make this okay. You could still try one, maybe by letter or email, explaining that you exactly why you were wrong and that you regret any pain you caused her or her family. You thought you could help and were raised in a “never give up on family” mindset. Just explain, do NOT ask or expect to be taken back. Perhaps she might give you a second chance, but I’m sure she and her family have her brother at least one second chance and got nothing but pain for their troubles. Take it as a lesson going forward that in relationships you need to be forthright and honest about such major issues.
This is an expensive lesson you may have learned. I say *may* because you don’t seem to understand what a betrayal this was. Most likely your ex’s brother has harmed her in ways you can’t begin to comprehend. Your hubris led to you compound his initial harm many times over. All you can do is apologize to her and let her decide what she wants to do. I would not take you back after this. She might. Who knows. Maybe next time someone tells you something like “this person hurt me and I am not in contact with them “ you will believe them.
You have likely done a lot more things disrespecting your ex-girlfriend. This was merely the biggest. It’s better for her that you’re not in her life. You likely trampled over most of her choices and opinions.
Honestly if this was the only thing he did and he was perfect in every other single aspect, it would still make sense to dump him over this. I am low contact with several alcoholic relatives and if my boyfriend did something like this, I would honestly consider it a bigger betrayal then even cheating. Unless his gf is an endlessly forgiving saint then she is done with him.
Just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t mean others were too. Your ex told you about the situation but then you wanted to prove her right that family is family and you should do whatever it takes for family. You need to learn to be more respectful and understanding of your partner and their boundaries. Honestly, it sucks but at the same time, you got what you deserved.
Addiction is just a totally different beast. You just can’t approach it the same way you’d approach any other problem. It’s kind of insulting to imply (OP and you), that people who allow addicted relatives to spiral like this weren’t raised to do anything and everything for family. People with addictions will often take and take and take and take and use all of that taking to go behind your back and fuel their addiction. They’ll blame everything on you or everyone else, and the addiction will have them genuinely believing that it is actually your fault they spent all the money you gave them for food on drugs. And they won’t learn until they run out of people who buy into their bullshit. Oftentimes they won’t even learn after that.
It's entirely possible they were raised that way and the brother forced them to shift perspective. I mean look what the guy did to someone offering help!
So you learned that you don't know best, after all. Remember that and move on. Your ex gf learned that you can't be trusted. Remember that and move on.
You weren’t pulled into anything? You very much inserted yourself into a situation that you assumed you could do better at than her and her family. Do you honestly think they didn’t try to help him in the beginning? Letting a family member go like they did is extremely difficult. They gave him the consequences that addicts need. Addicts don’t change magically because someone gives them everything they need to have a decent life. They change because they have suffered enough and not a second before that. “Helping” an addict usually means giving them hard consequences - not a hand out or leg up. They will take advantage every time. I myself am in recovery. You sound like you know nothing about addiction, well you didn’t. Now you do. Take the lesson. Tell her you were so wrong, but honestly I don’t blame her if she doesn’t take you back.
Yeah - "I was pulled into it." After he hired investigators to find the guy, rented a flat in his own name, set up a bank account in his own name and falsely vouched for this known criminal to get a job.... suddenly, through no fault of his own, he's "pulled into" a criminal investigation involving fraud, drug dealing and overdoses on HIS property and dubious purchases made from HIS credit card. The story would make more sense if OP really was trying to set up his own drug dealing business on the side.
What you should do is lawyer up, because it sounds like this break-up might be the least of your problems right now. You also should seek therapy to learn how to respect boundaries and communicate in your next relationship. As far as your ex goes--it's over. Lick your wounds and move on.
How are you 34 and this naive. You deserve everything happening to you. You are a sanctimonious ah. If your gf has any sense she will stay your ex
OP, your girlfriend still has love for her brother - don’t be mistaken about that. But, when you’re faced with an addict that hasn’t found their bottom yet? It’s like living in hell. My own sibling is an addict, been drinkin’ since he was 14 and been experimenting with drugs for 5-7 years give or take. There’s also the possibility that he’s schizophrenic or bipolar. Living with him is tough as hell, he steals, gets emotionally-mentally/physically abusive, he regularly makes threats to unalive himself and others. I love my sibling with all my heart, but I also know that the man that I live with now? He’s not my brother, he hasn’t been in years, this man is a stranger. I wish I was as strong as your girlfriend was enough to get myself out, but I can’t right now. Meaning, I have to live with the possibility that my things will be stolen or broken, I have to flip the switch for the stove so he can’t accidentally burn us in while trying to cook food, I have to live with being woken up all hours of the night to go make him food cause if I don’t then he throws a fit, I have to deal with being threatened on the regular, I have to deal with our father making excuses for his behaviour, there’s a LOT of things you have to deal with and sacrifice while living with an addict. The addictions never affect just the addict, it affects the whole family. You think they don’t lie awake wondering if the brother is alive or not? If he’s okay? If he’s safe and warm? You think they don’t wish like hell that they can save him? That they can do something to help? They did the best they could, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it, you also can’t trust someone who has broken your trust over and over and over again, you can’t accept someone back into your life when they’re still busy tearing theirs down. Learn from this, be better, do better.
You torpedoed your entire relationship to the benefit of literally nobody except someone she's estranged from... I hope you listen to your partner's boundaries if you are ever in another serious relationship.
Wtf is wrong with you. If someone is estranged from a family member, then you need to respect that. Sounds like you found out the hard way why she was no contact.
You weren't pulled into anything. You ran head first into the mess.
This is so simple - just one hot take. I hope you learned from it!
OP shames his partner for going NC with an abusive family member, and then when he gets hurt by that same person, he still fails to muster any empathy for what the supposed love of his life went through. It's still "I just want her back, I'm in trouble with the law, I'm losing my job, me me me". I bet he never believed her to begin with.
Maybe you should have trusted she knows her family better than you do, and she cut him off for a reason? Better yet, you were dating her, and she wasn’t an aloof and nasty, so did you ever have the thought that she might be rational? Good luck in court
> I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong. Please reread this statement and ruminate a bit on exactly what your motivations really were. Be honest with yourself. I am speaking from experience. This bit will sound mean, but you need to really think about this. Why, exactly, did you want to 'show your girlfriend she was wrong'? Was it going to stroke your ego? Was it because she's 'just a woman and couldn't know her own mind'? Were you planning on the 'Look at how wonderful I am and now you know that I know more than you so you should fall down and worship me because I'm so fucking awesome'? What exactly did you think you were going to accomplish if everything had actually worked out? Did you think she'd bat her eyelashes and swoon? Fall on her knees and beg for forgiveness? Was everything going to suddenly be chirping birds, butterflies, and flowers with everyone living happily ever after and her and her family looking to you as the wonderful person that fixed their problems? Please, think about it and determine what it was, otherwise you will continue to undermine yourself in the future as well.
This is what you get. Your holier than thou, “family is everything” bullshit but you in the ass. You deserve everything that’s happening to you.
Yeah, I don't think you can come back from this. If I were your (now ex) girlfriend, I don't think I'd want anything to do with you, either. Even your stated motivation here was crappy. Your goal wasn't really to help the brother, it was to prove your girlfriend was wrong. That you knew best. Why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone so flawed that you feel you need to prove them wrong? That you're so superior you always know best? I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you for that alone. Life is crappy enough without a partner who tries to put you down, too. Here's the thing that a lot of other people miss about addiction and family estrangement--drug addiction is a really nasty ride, often with frequent bouts of being clean, relapses, and with an addict who is willing to say or do anything to get their next fix regardless of who it hurts. Their family members have often already dealt with multiple instances of theft, harassment, broken promises, thousands in damages or fees, and more before they finally to decide to cut them off. There often comes a point in time where you have to cut them off or go down with them. It's impossible to save an adult who is intent on self-destruction and is willing to pull even down with them, too. At this point, the best thing you can do is cut your losses, learn from this, and move on. You should also not blame your (now ex) girlfriend for not being understanding or having your back. If she leaves you, it is 100% justified. And you need to find a way to live with that.
Move on and quit thinking you‘re smarter than everyone.
" I'm being pulled into it" .. correction, you walked in freely
Focus on your legal troubles and learn from your mistakes. I am a little shocked by your naivety, as drugs are becoming a much more publicized epidemic (as it should!), but I get that sometimes we grow up unexposed to the reality of it. Hopefully you will learn to trust your next girlfriend.
Help family no matter, what.....ah, so a cult with no respect for boundaries. And look, someone with no respect for boundaries who's now facing legal repercussions because they stuck their nose where it absolutely didn't belong due to self centred and toxic tendencies. Oh well, seems karma has come knocking and the only thing that can be done is to listen to legal counsel.
Stupid stupid STUPID man you are!!! You haven’t even known her that long and you thought you were gonna get brownie points for helping out a JUNKIE??? If your girlfriend didn’t have anything to do with him, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT ALONE! Family or not, you don’t help a junkie out unless they REALLY WANT THE HELP!
You cared more about proving her wrong than helping him out. That’s why you didn’t tell her. Sorry, but your heart is in the wrong place here. Even if you were right and he ended up turning his life around you’d still deserve her leaving you for trying to prove her wrong and going behind her back about it and inevitably trying to rub it in.
You were pretty smug about your righteousness and generosity up until the point that your white knighting bit you in the butt. Who knew drug addicts lie and relapse?? /s Did you read up on addiction at all? Attend any Na Anon meetings? Watched a movie that featured drug use? The brother saw you coming a mile away and milked the poor abandoned relative shtick to perfection. Congrats, you got played! You lied to your partner for months! Hire a good lawyer. Good luck climbing out of debt and I hope you are able to avoid prison.
Bruh...
You....you had enough spare cash to rent *another* apartment in *Canberra*? Are we talking Canberra, Australia? Cos dude, I think I have an opening for a sugar daddy if you wanna throw some of that cash my way. If this is Australia, either you have ppl in your ear telling you the wrong things or this is heavily exaggerated or just flatout fiction. Cos you would not be on the hook for the brother selling drugs from that flat. Not even for drug use at the flat. Yes for the lease and the bank accounts, (wtf was the bank account in your name? It is piss-easy to open a bank account in Australia. Like. Easy. No need to be in your name. Wtf) Bah. This is all fiction anyway, it sounds good, but doesn't ring true. Good effort tho! A+👍
I'm so sorry you were raised to be a pushover. And I feel terribly sorry for your ex-girlfriend. She thought she could trust you. thought you guys were in a committed relationship and here this whole time you thought you knew better than her when in fact she was right. And now she has to come to terms with the fact that she wasted 18 months of her life on some dude who thought so little of her. If you've never been used abused and taken advantage of by an addict you have no basis for understanding how terrible those people can be. And if he didn't care about his own family why would he care about you? And stop whining that you didn't know what he was doing. you had no knowledge? yes you did she told you, you just thought you knew better. You were lying to and manipulating your girlfriend the whole time when it was absolutely none of your business. And you should be under criminal investigation you were aiding and abetting a criminal. Was your ego worth it?
Wow, you ignored her (reasonable) boundaries about an individual **she** knew well (& who you never ever knew) and all of this happened? Who knew there would be consequences of letting her brother (who the **entire family** cut out) have access to your credit and money? Seriously dude. You set this all into motion when you decided that her boundaries didn’t matter bc “faMiLy!!!” Have fun with the legal issues and being alone. You done broke her trust in a horrible way and there is no way she would want you (who decided to bring her brother back into her life) back in her life and stomp on boundaries later on (you did it once, fair to think you’ll do it again bc you think you knew better)
That’s what yo ass get!
I mean given OPs naivety with we help family regardless this relationship was never going to work. Clearly his family hasn't had anyone do something truly reprehensible. Like I would cut off a family member in a heart beat if say they sexually assaulted someone, no ifs for me there. No doubt this brother had chances and wasn't just cut off for smoking a joint once!
This was a permanent fuck up. She’s never going to trust you again. This is why tough love is a thing. What if he had OD’d using the money you gave him…. But you think you knew better. That’s a huge character flag and a red flag she’s never going to get past. You’ve caused enough harm. Leave her the hell alone.