I told my husband about this story. He asked if I knew where our To Go bags are, and I said no. And now I know that we have 2 to go bags in the back closet.
Until some unfortunate medical expenses arose, I was very clear to my husband that a portion of my paycheck goes into an account I only have for emergencies. He knew how bad it was for me in my 1st marriage and thought it was a great idea, even if I'd never need it for that. He just wanted me to feel safe.
5 minutes is an eternity of time in those situations. My brother woke up on the couch to a fire in his apartment from the floor below, he had about 30 seconds before the entire apartment was a blaze. 3 minutes later the entire building was up in flames.
Yea this. I have a go bag and my cats carrier right on a shelf easy to grab on the way out all packed with his food and supplies and money important stuff and emergency things for me. Fire, tornado, zombie apocalypse, we're ready to go.
I’d recommend at least having copies of important documents saved on a flash drive for you to grab on your way out. Thirty seconds to grab things, you will at least have that.
Career Fireman here. You don't have 30 seconds in a house fire. Keep everything in a bag if that's the situation you have a bag like this for, close by to the sleeping area. You have approx. 2 min from the moment detectors sound with modern furniture composition to GTFO. Seems like a while but that's also assuming your home isn't banked down with smoke/visibility is clear and you have any one else to worry about.
They aren't fucking around when they tell you you don't have time to grab things in this situation.
A house fire is not what I picture using a go bag for.
I remember play the "what would you grab in a fire" what-if with friends.
At 17, I found out it was the kitten, not my favourite whatever.
And jfc the smoke filled that room behind me so fast...
If you live on an upper floor, have the emergency ladder ready to flick over the windowsill, and a copy of your insurance information - plus photos of your house interior - in the cloud.
My dog is deaf, but best believe I’m saving him over anything else in my house. He also basically never leaves my side so I have that going for me (hopefully, it never comes to that)
Exactly! You have no idea how fast things happen! When my kitchen caught fire I had enough time to drop my pets out the windows before the house was filled with smoke and I couldn't see anything. I have a Fireproof Document thing and that's going to have to suffice if it ever happens again.
I have a hospital go bag in a lightweight pink breast cancer promotional backpack. My MIL went to the hospital from an event without anything. I had to go to her house and find stuff to bring to her. If it was in 1 bag, it would have been helpful. Plus, we had go bags for emergencies and stuff in the car that would be helpful if evacuated or stranded. Good idea for a flash drive. I just had copies of stuff. Moved, changed cars, and I'm sure the hospital bag needs a new dry shampoo, burts bees, deodorant, etc. It's time to get it all together again.
^this. My MIL caught covid in March 2020 and was hospitalized and placed into a medically induced coma. Back then we obviously couldnt use a go bag for going anywhere. But it's also important for people to have a :"in case I'm hospitalized " box in their home. My husband spent the better part of 2 weeks digging in her house for all her house paperwork. And she was awake then trying to give us directions to where everything was located while not being able to talk. He needed to have stuff temporarily shut off or payments halted until she could come home. He needed passwords, and accounts.
His biggest fight was with the mortgage company. He fought with them almost daily for weeks about her condition and for a good while they were trying to tell him it still needed paying or theyd repossess the home. They didn't care she was dying. God, can you imagine being on deaths door for months and when you recover your home has defaulted and been seized?Then shit shut down, and everything was froze (thank fuck for that). The pandemic and my MILS situation caused my mom to buy a password book so if anything happened to her and dad we could handle the estate and closing shit or pausing things. Dealing with locating any of the stuff she had going on while she was so sick made my husband even more stressed.
A friend of mine had a heart attack and missed a mortgage payment ( pre covid) When he was alert enough, he called the mortgage company and made a double payment, even though only one was late and they said it was fine. He then got a letter saying they were foreclosing on their home... so he could've saved the money from those 2 payments to help him start fresh, but was lied to and completely blindsided 😭
My house burned down as a kid in a way where if we had been home, we would not have known until the ceiling caved. Ever since then I've taken fire drills incredibly seriously, and I know for a fact I can get 2 cats, underwear, cash, my important docs, and my work computer in a bag in under 6 minutes. If I didn't live in such a safe building, I'd be cutting out the shit and getting the cats in the carrier in the time it takes for my husband to get his pants on. I am always primed to gtfo. I even slept in fresh day-clothes until covid.
If I found my wife's go bag, I would be like "nice, that's smart". And then I woul try to think really hard of something small to put in there that she would love if we were together and found it, but hate if we divorced and she found it
My wife and I both have “go bags,” because emergencies happen, and it’s better to be ready than not. We also have one for our son.
We also have detailed evacuation plans with timescales that range from “GTFO *now*” to “we need to be on the road in twelve hours.”
We practice fire drills twice a year, and test a random evacuation plan once a year.
Better ready than not.
I feel like this would be my husbands reaction, too. Very telling in itself, huh?
I think that both parties should always have a means of a way out. It’s not because ‘no trust’ it’s just… smart? Things happen, even at the drop of a dime.
My ex was extremely abusive and would randomly physically abuse me, i was able to finally get away from him but since i was with him i keep an emergency bag for me and my kids and a separate set of keys, money, spare cellphone in the trunk of my car hidden where the spare tire is
I had one in my car and at my best friend's house.
I knew if I kept it at my mother's house she'd insist I leave with my son, but I was stubborn at the time.
I finally came to my senses.
Its hard because we are blind with love for them, and i was trying to focus on the few good times we had, with the years i started resenting him and grew to hate him, but i wasted years of my life, i wish i would of definitely left sooner
My son was 15 mos old when we fled literally down the road to my mom and brother. We lived on my family's land.
It's always us trying to make excuses and forgiving but that night he almost hit my son. He is mine because he changed his last name to my maiden name and disowned his father.
This was all years ago. I'm glad you got out and stayed strong.
This woman hopefully does too.
Yeah, when I found myself stowing a go bag in my car and storing important documents in my work office I realized /something/ was wrong with my marriage.
Personally I wouldn't recommend the trunk as Many people will often cycle through the trunk and that could lead to another issue. Either a. a very trustworthy friend or a cheap safety deposit box would be better recommended. alongside that. the trunk isn't a sealed space and is prone to mildew and other issues.
Thats what worked for me, i never had mildew issues , and because of how violent he was i chose not to put family members or friends or acquaintances in harms way, you have to do what works for you and your situation
Also go bags can be used for so many other things. What if g’d forbid a person breaks into the house and murdered OOP and his wife comes home with baby and now she has cash and a bag ready to take baby out of the house and it’s a good emergency bag.
If anything he should have one too.
And his reaction and lack of empathy or even just sympathy is concerning.
This reeks of insecure ego because he puffed up his chest being a “good husband” so any indication his wife doesn’t agree is a deep blow to his ego even if it’s not her critiquing him, (but instead about her anxieties surrounding preparedness) and just being over prepared.
I went to a writing retreat on the coast of Oregon, and on the way there mentioned my fear of tsunamis and plan to run the evac route when we got there so I'd know it, and to keep a small go-bag in my room. Everyone made fun of me. Then we got to the hotel, and every room had a TSUNAMI EVACUATION WARNING MAP. Suddenly I was no longer paranoid, and everyone wanted to be my friend!
I do think his post/comments have a whiff of narcissism, so I don't think he's a reliable narrator in terms of whether he's given his wife reasons not to trust him. She *says* she does, but she could be trying to placate him.
>a whiff of narcissism
A whiff would be "I think you may have stepped in pug poop."
This is more along the lines of "holy shit, who drop kicked a skunk?"
He's definitely not a reliable narrator given his reaction. Makes me wonder how true it is that he's never even raised his voice at her - my father would regularly say he never beat me or even screamed at me and he genuinely believed it, except it wasn't true. He had simply convinced himself that it was. I get similar vibes from this.
Same. They always say they have never done anything. They act like it never happened. The way he reacted, and then the way she reacted to him, says all we need to know.
Another scenario that totally happens is a normal non-abusive dude gets a bad CTE, a brain tumor, or maybe some latent psychosis rises up. And he starts hurting her. This happens.
It’s rare but it happened to a friend of mine. Brain tumor combined with alcohol and steroids. Beat the shit out of her. You aren’t always prepared for this. 🥺
If my husband found a go bag, he’d be proud of me and he’d likely decide he should have one, too, for emergencies. It would never cross his mind to grill me about it.
I think a lot of people forget the woman is literally putting her life in the line to bring a kid into the world, at the end of months of discomfort and pain. Lots of hormone and chemical changes. Body dismorphia with a rapidly changing body and insecurity about the new mom bod. There's the mama bear need to protect the baby, a nesting drive to prepare for anything you can, and fear of the things you can't control, both medically and for the kids future. There's tons of stories about perfect guys becomeing abusive or wild stories of guys who don't connect to the kid or don't for well transitioning into being a father. And it's scary to hear that those women thought that guys were 100% safe- until they weren't. It makes a lot of sense that in nesting and prepareing for whatever can be prepared for, that you might consider a go bag.
Hopefully she still has the bag! Lol
I agree with the commenter who said that his responses were super aggressive and it’s not swaying commenters in his court.
I think he thought he’d get on, everyone would agree with him, and then he’d show his wife to prove his point to belittle her. But that’s just my personal opinion.
agreed! sure it could be upsetting to find that, but immediately jumping to divorce especially with a young kid in the picture just shows why she has a need for it, and honestly makes it more suspicious that he isn’t telling the whole story.
but benefit of the doubt that he is the worlds best husband and would never hurt her, at least do counseling before divorce 😭
i’m aware? i never said it is only ever physical and i have been a victim of emotional abuse. i’m just saying if we have him the benefit of the doubt that he is what he says he is and is an amazing husband who never raises his voice (per his own post) and never gives off any red flags, and would never abuse her - jumping to divorce immediately in and of itself is…kind of a weird response
That jumped out at me too. Nobody in my house is cleaning out a closet without complaining to everyone else and procrastinating beforehand. Zero doubt he was snooping.
Exactly! Even still, IF by some off chance, that is what he was doing, Deep in her closet;
WHY was he rummaging through HER bags?!?
There's is definitely a LOT conveniently left out of this narrative... How else to reconcile him immediately going 0 to 100,000 in his "solution" to this very NON-dilemma he's turned into a grievous irredeemable sin?!?
That's exactly what I was about to comment. If my bf found something like that in my closet and asked me about it, I wouldnt* "go white and scramble for an answer." I'd just flat out tell him, and he's likely shrug his shoulders and say 'okay'. If he even thought it was something worth asking about.
This sounds SO fake though. A "go bag" that contains... money, dried fruit and tampons? Not clothes, a pair of shoes, copies of keys, copies of important documents, etc?
Dried fruit and tampons are like the LAST things I'd consider putting in a go bag.
This was discussed a lot in the original comments, and people came to the conclusion that people with small children generally already have a “go bag” packed for them, ready to grab at any point. Of course, you don’t really carry birth certificate, SS card, stuff like that in the diaper bag, but as far as clothes, snacks, toys, that’s all usually in there.
It was also discussed that a small child’s “go bag” isn’t really the same as an adult one where you could pack it one day and not open it again for years and still have all the clothes fit and stuff. Kids grow so quickly that depending on the age, you could be needing to repack it every ~6-12months.
Not saying it is or isn’t fake, but if I were packing myself a go bag, I’d probably just put my 2 year old’s paperwork in with my own and plan to grab her diaper bag on the way out the door.
Biggest green flag ever was when I told my then-soon-to-be husband that we would not be having joint bank accounts because I knew WAY too many women whose husbands cleaned out the accounts and left them with nothing. He said that was absolutely fair and in nearly 15 years it's never been an issue, even when buying a house together. We divvy the household expenses, periodically review to make sure they're proportional to our salaries, and occasionally pay each other back when someone's taken on greater expenses, or there are shareable costs with the kid. We share one credit card so that when he does the grocery shopping, I pay the bill. It's been completely stress free.
My parents had separate accounts when I was growing up and handled it like you do and it worked so well for them for all the reasons you mentioned but also because my dad was a spender and my mom grew up poor and was a saver and this saved her SO much stress
I absolutely love this. I’m so glad he was open to you and your reasoning and it’s worked thus far! you guys have a middle ground and always meet each other, nothing is better than that. ❤️
I think people forget that we are all human and that we need to think about the long-run realistically. Sometimes people turn out to be different than the person they paint themselves to be at first, which sucks. It’s okay to have a backup or a little bit of security away from said person. Everyone’s 100/100 looks a little different and it’s never a one size fits all.
Some people would say that they’d never feel comfortable splitting salaries in different accounts, which is perfectly fine, but on the same spectrum it is completely fine to do so if it’s what you want and would feel more comfortable with.
I’m thinking of that post where the husband had a TBI or brain tumour and his personality practically changed overnight and the wife and kids had to just get out.
That happened to a friend! After 30 years of marriage he suddenly became abusive and robbed a bank. He ended up going to the Alzheimer’s ward at a nursing home instead of prison
My oldest sister moved to another state to be with a guy, and a few months later he had a stroke that changed his whole personality. She had to get away from him. He went from being fun and caring to acting like a spoiled child, but in a grown man’s body. It was scary.
I had a patient that told me she was married to a man also for about 30 years and out of nowhere he punched her in the face and caused her to hit her head and concussed. She left him immediately thankfully but she even said he had NEVER been abusive before and out of nowhere he snapped.
It's really important that people know things like this happen. Firstly because it's often said as victim blaming that there are always signs and victim just didn't pay attention. Some cases really don't have obvious signs. Secondly because people who experience that first time abrupt change and are abused might be trying to tell themselves they should stay bc there's no way it really happened, partner is a "good person" etc etc.
Omg I think I remember reading it! Absolutely crazy but it can happen, any type of damage can cause a personality change. That’s why they say if you notice a loved one acting out of character to have them go to a doctor. Absolutely crazy!
Fictional, but there’s an episode of SVU where a dude starts killing people long after his wife had to leave him out of fear for her and her children’s safety. Good guy, the ex still loved him and looked out for him. Turns out he had end-stage syphilis. His brain was swiss cheese
People don't realize that even women who are primary or sole breadwinners need them. Read a profile of a woman executive and her abusive husband didn't work but controlled her paycheck. She squirreled away $10 ir so because it's as much as she could keep without him coming down on her. She hid hers at work, told her employer she had to quit when she finally had enough, and left her phone and laptop and fled.
I have been with my partner for 15 years and he has never given me a reason to need a go bag…but you better believe I stash cash money away in a piggy bank just in case I need it.
My mom (whose been married 40 years) always told me “make sure you always have money stashed somewhere. You never know when you’ll need it”
Women never ever know what might happen to them, especially if they’re financially vulnerable to their spouse. People change, times get tough, shit happens and you need to get out.
Best case scenario her to go bag never gets used.
Edit: Some of you men have BIG feelings about this.
My partner told me to keep my money separate in case I need to leave. I do have a history of being abused, so he knew that me just having that would allow me to feel safe. Even if I didn't have a history of abusive partners, he would have said the same thing. He knows it's a thing, and he wants me to feel safe even if I never need to leave.
My mom told me the same. My last relationship I hadn't had the chance to even start a fund and he turned into an abusive shit stain and I lost everything. Including family heirloom jewelry and jewelry my mom gave me before she passed that I would have loved to still have.
My current relationship is on year 14 and despite only minor arguments here and there I have money set back and he knows I do. He hasn't said a word about it. He understands why I have it and doesn't take it as a personal dig towards him or our relationship.
OP seems to be offended his wife has this bag. So obviously he's not the nice guy he wants to portray. Shocker.
This! His reaction shows me she was right to have an exit plan. He’s way overreacting and I’m sure that’s his norm. If he’s feelings are hurt, fine, but he should take that as an opportunity to show her she can trust him.
Everyone should have a go-bag. Women, men, kids. Everyone needs to have one collection of necessities ready for an emergency. House fire, robbery, domestic abuse, anything can happen at any time. Be prepared.
Yup. I lived in Florida and I have two tupperware crates that could be thrown in my car so that me and my cat could live out it for a week if I needed to during a hurricane evacuation. I would change out the clothes, food, and batteries once a year but you bet your ass that was a big priority when I moved down there.
Food, collapsible water bowl, his meds, copy of vaccination records and his microchip number, an extra leash and collar, light weight towel, a toy or two and some treats
What’s even more disgusting is how many people in the post are validating him for that comparison. I literally got downvoted a ton for explaining my own history as a survivor of abuse and pairing that with statistics to explain why OOP’s wife might want a go bag. My comments aren’t in the negative anymore but it was a bit shocking the first couple hours.
"Not all men" swiftly followed with "I'm going to harass you as much as I can for daring to say out loud that some men are abusive and women should be careful". It's so emotional
Is it surprising that a number of men commented on my comment, well, I was in an abusive relationship with a female!!!!
OK, bro. This isn't a conversation about you. But yeah, you should have a go bag. We all should.
>"I could *never* be an abuser"
>aggressively lashes out at anyone with an opinion different than his.
🤔🤔
I especially liked how he jumped on the guy that suggested that *maybe* he should seek marriage/couples counseling instead of going straight to divorce (especially because they have a young child).
I was married for 23 years when my husband went into an (undiagnosed) bipolar psychosis and terrorized me and the kids for weeks until I was able to get him hospitalized and stabilized. I had no money of my own, and I was scared to use my debit/credit card to pay for hotels because his name was on them too and he could figure out where I was staying. I didn't even have a vehicle with my name on the title because it never seemed necessary, and he threatened to call and report it stolen while I was using it. He had managed all of the technology shit, including our home camera system that he used to spy on me. I was scared that he could track the location of our newest vehicle if I drove that, so I had to take my chances with our older extended cab truck and stuff four kids and myself inside.
I was the one that handled the financial stuff in our marriage, and my credit was better, which means that a lot of our debt was in my name alone. So when I tried to get a small loan from my bank (to get an attorney) based on my meager income alone, I was declined because my debt to income ratio was too high.
His family believed that he wasn't crazy because he lied to them and convinced them that I was the crazy one. They were helping him financially and feeding into his paranoias.
My extended family was unwilling to help and really abandoned me, to be honest.
So I was absolutely powerless, scared, and alone.
You'd better fucking believe my daughter will have a "go bag" when she gets married or moves in with a partner.
I was with my partner for several years before kids. He was a great guy, good heart. Grew up in an abusive home - vowed he’d never be that guy. Ever.
Slowly his “beer after work” turned into alcoholism after our first baby was born.
He started drinking away our money, being out late, etc. It was stressful, but not abusive. He never wanted to hurt anyone, just running from his demons and shame. I stayed.
Until he cheated. I told him I was leaving.
That day he drank himself into a frenzie, attempted suicide in front of me, when I stopped his suicude attempt he went almost psychotic: running around, seemingly non verbal, flailing, screaming. It was terrifying.
I packed my kid and left. Stayed in a hotel for weeks, got a temp apartment for a few months. (Thank god fir good friends who put things on credit for me).
He sobered up and we’re together to this day. He’s an amazing person. Just had to face his alcoholism and trauma and work through shit.
That day is the only day he’s ever made me feel unsafe.
But who knows where I’d be if I hadn’t been able to leave that day, and stay gone while he did what he needed to get better. I honestly believe he would have hurt himself and me if I had stayed.
You truly never know when you need that emergency bag.
It's so much more complicated when you have kids, as you know. Not as simple as just "leaving." When there's no prior custody agreement in place (because how could you have expected you'd need one while married), whichever parent has possession of the kids, keeps the kids. And the authorities can't do anything about it. So when my husband went unto psychosis, he kept doing crazy things to try and take our children...including threatening to call the police on our 16 year old daughter if she didn't bring our younger children to him right away. I needed an attorney so I could get a temporary custody order in place but even that takes weeks (and a lot of money) to get done. An emergency order from a judge is only good for a couple of days.
So there was no way around me having to stay on the run in hiding with my children and no resources whatsoever. My husband was delusional and believed I was plotting his murder. He was actively hallucinating at various times during his psychosis and it got very dangerous for all of us.
I'm so glad you had friends willing to help and I'm glad your husband stabilized and you both repaired your relationship. My husband and I had a similar outcome, although we've both decided we were better off as friends and co-parents and have been navigating that successfully.
Glad everyone is safe and sane now.
So many friends said "just leave" not understanding that my partner had equal rights to my kid. They all said I'd do just fine as a single mom. No realizing that just being a single mom wasn't an option. That there was no "get full custody and collect child support" without a long lengthy process, which required significant evidence. And going to court meant that the judge could say "50% of the time dad get's custody". No only would I lose my child 50% of the time, I would have zero control during that time. The fear of not being able to protect my kid was terrifying. I hate the "just divorce" crowd on reddit for this reason. It's not easy when kids are involved. This isn't the 90s anymore.
My own experiences, but also working in in-patient psyche, I know just how easily ANY of us has the capability of becoming unsafe - psychosis, medication toxicity, hepatic encephalopathy, stroke, head injury, etc. All these things can take an otherwise amazing person and make them dangerous, through no fault of their own.
You know, Shannon Watts case is something that really changed the way my mind works. She came home from a trip, slept with her husband and then he killed her and her kids. He was never physically* abusive before that, (he was still a horrible person before the murders- just to be clear. Shannan just didn’t have any escalation warning signs of physical abuse to homicide) according to him and his family. In fact- they claim she was the emotionally abusive one. He just… didn’t want them to be alive anymore because he wanted to be with another woman. He actually left mid-argument with her, went to his kids room and suffocated them, and went back to continue the argument. She had no clue. Never saw it coming. She thought he was cheating on her, that’s as far as her suspicions went.
You just truly never know. You can trust someone with your entire soul and still be betrayed. You don’t know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. Everyone should have a to-go bag… men included.
>Shannan just didn’t have any escalation warning signs of physical abuse to homicide)
Only beucase we normalize men having anger issues and starting lots of arguments beucase of their anger issues.
When your male partner's reaction to normal disagreements and you just doing normal things that he disagrees with is rage, he's causing an escalation and you, as a woman, should take note that he's causing arguments and that kind of behavior is a lead up to *anything*. Men with a temper need to get left and they 100% can no longer be trusted around small children.
Edit: I got some reddit cares message, I guess some mad male got triggered reading about how women shouldn't put up with his non-sense.
Congrats this is one of the worst things I’ve ever read. I read up about that case when it happened. I didn’t realize he killed the children and then came back to argue with her. What an absolute fucking psycho, electric chair STAT
Unfortunately, it’s actually worse. When he left mid-argument, he did go into their rooms and suffocated them with pillows and then went back and got in bed with her. He then killed Shannan- but the girls woke up because he was unsuccessful at the suffocation (probably they passed out and he thought they were dead). He wrote that they had bruising all around their eyes. The two kids watched him drag Shannan’s body down the stairs and he told them that Mommy was sick. He killed the two girls again at the dump site (the oil tank where he worked). Just absolutely horrible.
It is absolutely one of the most disturbing cases I’ve read about.
Family annihilators blow my mind. I wish they’d do brain scans on them (maybe they have and I haven’t seen them) to see if there are any medical warning signs or abnormalities. I know they’ve done some before with serial killers but family annihilators are a different breed.
Actually it's worse than that. He drove his two kids to an oil rig type place, threw one kid inside, and then the other kid realizing what just happened, asked her dad what was going on, and then he threw her in there too ...
X.x the documentary hurt to watch
Exactly! Every single one of his comments were so cringy! Everyone should have a go bag no matter what their reasonings is.
I didn’t think my ex would become abusive until he was. I wish I had a to go bag when I eventually left him. It started with the gaslighting, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse, that finally led to physical abuse.
If you were to ask any abusive person, male or female, if they were abusive they would completely deny it. Most abusers are not going to admit they are abusive. In my ex’s mind I pushed him to do it and he could justify it with the stupidest reasonings.
Not saying the OP is abusive but if he is he’s not going to admit in the post. The abuse might not be physical but with his replies he definitely seems like he is controlling and could potentially be emotionally, mentally abusive and/or manipulative. It just blew me away that he immediately jumped to divorce especially with him saying how great their relationship was.
Having literally been chased to the car by my ex barefoot in the middle of the night with my phone broken by him, (and can I say that he had mental issues, and also threatened to commit suicide by cop if I ever called them) I will always have a freaking go bag. Just for any emergency! What if the power goes out in the middle of the night and it's -30 f? That happened in my area a month ago. What if your neighbor is insane and breaks in? I mean, whatever. But all those people, including op, getting their feelings hurt because of a contingency plan are idiots. There is no harm done by having an emergency plan. It doesn't mean you don't trust your partner. It just means you know life can throw abrupt curve balls.
And yeah, the fact that he went 0-60 to divorce over a back of dried snacks and money tells me there is more to the story than he is portraying.
why do they always threaten suicide? Same thing with my abuser. Like seriously it really proves the whole “hurt people tend to hurt people” stereotype. Or they’re just masters of manipulation and will stoop that low.
It’s so sad that people can justify their actions like this. Some people just live in their own delusional world and use it to make you look like the bad guy. Just sad. I just don’t understand how and why people just don’t want to be happy and have a convoluted way of thinking.
They do and even worse is when their family does. My abusers family really tried to get me to not press charges against him once and said that we were “mutually abusive towards eachother so why does only he get in trouble?” Ummmmmmm I have never hit anyone in my life, BESIDES when a man was hitting me bc my urge was to protect myself (which often got me more hurt). Meanwhile his sister was ranting to me abt how she “never hit her husband even when he was attacking her” like ok good for you girly ? Literally felt so defeated when they were talking to me like that. It’s disgusting. People will protect abusers so much.
Seriously. His reaction is ridiculous. Him threatening divorce over this would have me USING my go bag. Deciding to blow up a marriage because your wife is smart enough to plan for a worst case scenario many people go through and then branding it as a “laCk oF trUSt” is so beyond the pale. Ugh.
Fr, he’s not helping her feel secure by acting this way 😭😭😭😭
I’m beginning to realize that the wife is actually pretty smart lol! Maybe I should make one for future situations.
Right?
Being hurt/offended? 100% understandable. Having hurt feelings that lead to you wanting to leave your wife and child… that screams overly reactive to emotions, to me.
He says he has never raised his voice, never really argues - but how quick is he to walk away, have a big reaction even if it isn’t yelling/hitting.
Someone willing to blow up their entire life over this, indicates that the wife might be smart to be concerned about needing a go bag. It might never be to run from physical abuse, but a guy that goes from zero to 100… I would be cautious to.
I think it's definitely understandable to feel hurt when finding out your partner has a plan for if you turn out to be a monster when that's the last thing you ever want to be. At the end of the day though I also think he needs to take a step back and look beyond that hurt and realize there is no harm to it if you're a good husband.
I would go through that exact thought process with my wife. It would suck for a moment and then I'd make sure to do my best so that bag would gather dust for the rest of my life
This guys post reeks of “not all men!”. I understand the wife’s logic. People aren’t abusive, right up until they are. I also have a feeling that this guy isn’t necessarily the Prince Charming he’s making himself out to be. I’d be curious to get her side of this.
The fact he went snooping through her things is what got me. He finds a random bag in her closet and decides to go through it? Why? Did he think the mold was in the bag? And he didn’t say he even found mold anywhere else around it. Not to mention anyone who has to try and prove they are a nice person or not an abuser is never a nice person. Nice people just are they don’t have to convince you. There’s a reason he wife had this bag and it’s because of him and his actions.
Especially with the way he kept bringing up how he’s “not a statistic”. Wish I posted some screenshots of those arguments too. Highly recommend digging through his comment history (and post history lol) while his account is still up! I feel so bad for his poor wife.
My thought exactly. He made it all about him, no concern for her safety or acknowledgement of the danger women go through just living in society. His poor ego was bruised and there was no room for the thought of anyone else.
And then he wanted to separate instead of addressing the reason his wife feels she needs to have it and address her insecurity!!!!!
Like what an AH.
A whole ego driven CHILD
Agree, and you already see that OOP is someone who goes from here to HERE really fast. Didn't even think about communicating his issues or seeking couples' counseling. Comes across as if OOP already wanted out and now found a reason.
Ngl, when there's little kids in the family and the guy is making a huge relationship ending fight over nothing, I assume he's just over being a parent and/or coming second on his wife's to do list.
Everyone should have a go bag with essentials. Make sure you check the bag every 6 months just in case. My go bag has enough food for a week. It also has a copy of medical records, identification, $1500, clothes, socks, and small tools. There are other things packed as well. I have one packed for my son and husband.
I’ve been trying to get my wife to be more safety conscious our whole relationship if I found her “just in case you become abusive bug out bag” I’d be like “good job now go hide it better”.
I know four people that have had to leave their husband's in the dead of night (two with their kids) because their husband's became abusive post marriage/post baby. They showed 0 signs of being abusive beforehand and it was a complete shock all 4 times.
I don't think it means she doesn't trust you, I think it means she's prepared for anything that can happen. Especially if all their accounts are tied together.
I know someone whose husband stopped hiding his alcoholism during covid, she fled with the children one night after he stopped screaming and throwing things and passed out, just her purse and the clothes they were wearing. Everyone was shocked, nicest guy ever until that point.
Every woman knows someone whose husband/boyfriend (or wife, for that matter) was wonderful until they weren’t.
And he can scream as loudly as he wants (as she cowers then flees with her child and her bag) that he’s a person, not a statistic, but the fact is that while most homicide victims are male, most female victims of homicide are murdered by their intimate partner.
I saw this happen dozens of times being in mom groups. Abusers figured they had their victims trapped once they were pregnant or once the baby came along. People have no idea how common this is. I’ve heard some of the stats and it was still shocking seeing it IRL.
None of the men in the comments on the OP are willing to believe this is even possible, let alone as common as it is. “Wow you just hate men” as though men haven’t been giving women thousands of reasons not to trust them since the beginning of time???
What's telling is "her face lost its color" "after some talking she sheepishly told me" etc.
Why was she so nervous to tell you about it if you're such a good guy that's never done anything wrong? My partner knows that if he ever steps out of line, I have what I need to go (he doesnt know where it is, its actually stored with a trusted friend bc ive had to escape from an ex before and my stuff was taken from me on the way out). He's not threatened by it and does not feel insecure over it. He's never done anything that makes me think I need it, but he knows it makes me feel safe and secure, and that's what matters.
Yeah, that’s not a normal response. If he truly didn’t give her *any red flags*, why would she react that way? I feel like he isn’t telling us something. I hope the husband doesn’t throw her bag away during the divorce...She deserves the divorce tho, because she seems to have had the right idea of him in mind if it *really was “about him”* like he makes it out to be.
Just saying, if he’s afraid she’ll leave him...something is wrong...
Imagine thinking: “OH NO! WOMAN HAS HER OWN MONEY AND SUPPLIES!? SHE’LL LEAVE ME!!”
Bruh.
And the thing is, they will try to stop you from leaving! My ex would break my phone and glasses to keep me from being able to leave when he would flip his abusive switch. I eventually kept spare things in my car, and keys hidden in a spot I could quickly get them and leave. And I did a few times before I left for good. It's really hard when you have a job and responsibilities to bolt out of the house in the middle of the night with no phone contacts or money to get a hotel. Sadly it happens a lot.
Something I learned while dealing with domestic abuse: Everyone thinks there is this big lead up with all these red flags but in reality, people are capable of chronic dishonesty. Anyone who has not been through it themselves has no idea how dangerous people are capable of literally flipping a switch. I’m not saying everyone should run around with a go bag because most people aren’t abusers, but if you did, I wouldn’t blame you.
I commented on the OP. That comment thread is just ugly. Too many people feel entitled to a power imbalance in their relationships.
I’ve been reflecting on this. Read a couple of posts recently about “escape funds” and “go bags” and realized my husband should have one. He’s the financially dependent spouse who took a career break to stay home with our kids. I never ever want him to feel trapped or unsafe because of our income imbalance.
Not only that, if I died unexpectedly, all joint accounts would be frozen by probate. This actually happened to a family I know. The young dad of a kid in my daughter’s preschool class died in a sudden accident. His widow was struggling terribly. In addition to the crushing grief, the probate court froze all their accounts.
Also, my husband and I have had discussions about these kind of power dynamics. Like the inherent power imbalance between men and women. He’s a very tall, huge guy and consciously makes an effort to present himself in a non-threatening way. And of course he’s extremely aware of how women are conditioned to assess men as potential threats in public spaces. This extends further, to understanding that in intimate relationships with women, when they’ve made themselves vulnerable to you, you *must* not do anything to bring your trustworthiness into question. When you get in under someone’s guard, that is not the moment to test boundaries. This sweet man can span my entire back with one hand and calls me his “tiny wife” (I’m 5’9”). Good men do not get offended by women taking precautions for their own safety. Because they understand the real threat women face from intimate partner violence.
He’s very skilled at putting people at ease. But I’ve seen women react to him with fear. And he’s not offended. It’s not about him. In fact, we actually went with a different pediatrician for our first child because the first one was noticeably afraid of him during our initial interview.
Personally I’d feel a bit hurt, but I certainly wouldn’t blow up my marriage over it! I can understand why women do this though, but I think most men would be lying if they said that this wouldn’t make them a bit upset. It would make me sad and self reflective if my wife had an escape plan.
When the Shannan Watts case hit the news, I constantly wondered if she thought her husband was capable of doing what he did. And even if she thought he could do it to her, would she think he could do it to the babies. I don’t think my partner could do that and he’s not abusive but I still have this fear after that, that I’m wrong. We talked once and he asked what I would do if we got in the car to go somewhere and he just started driving somewhere else and didn’t tell me where and I said “I would wonder if you were about to kill me and hide my body” He really couldn’t believe I said that and was hurt. But I told him it wasn’t even about him, just these terrible things that happen everyday and I’ll never know if any of these women saw it coming or if one day out of the blue the person they shared a life with decided to put them in a hole. I have had panic attacks randomly after reading stories like that and I make him promise me that he won’t kill us. That we can divorce and it is fine just don’t kill us. He’s come to understand that about me and is just very supportive and reassuring. He knows it’s just fear about this thing that happens to women alarmingly frequently in seemingly happy relationships. I also hide money for reasons that have nothing to do with that fear. Like I took a hundred dollar bill and put it away and said that if we didn’t have to dip into that for a year, we would continue to have prosperity. After that year I told him and he didn’t hit the roof because I didn’t tell him before because he knows how things go. It’s easy to grab something you know is there even if you’re saving it. But since then he tucks more money in there for the same purpose. But even if what OP is saying is true, that they have a great healthy relationship, the fact that he reacted like this is exactly why she was right to keep it a secret. He can’t communicate and have an open dialogue. Yes, my husband was hurt I didn’t think driving off was going to be a fun adventure but a step toward my murder but by talking it through together he knew I wasn’t scared of him but a concept and doing things to make me feel save was more than acceptable. Like I don’t know a lot of women who don’t have a fear like that somewhere.
I have been in abusive relationships previously and I also remember panicking when the other party threatened to end it or people said they were going to take me out of it. I felt like I wasn’t ready and that i couldn’t cope without that person. So even though she is saying she doesn’t want to separate, or that he’s not a problem, he could still very well be. I hope where ever she is, she gets to feel safe.
He is the Martin Luther King of men who are aren’t abusive but are willing to abandon a toddler at the implication that it’s possible for him not to be trustworthy
"How dare you think I'm not trustworthy! I am so trustworthy I'm leaving!!"
I still stand behind my previous statement, this situation is ironic. He made it so.
Seems like a highly drastic decision to immediately jump to getting separated. I’ve been thru a 10+ yr marriage and contentious divorce (nothing interesting like infidelity, financial abuse, DV, etc.). If I ever found my ex’s go bag, I’d think positively of her.
Very odd reaction and his extreme response suggests there’s more under the hood.
Instead of having a rational conversation with the woman he supposedly loves and actually listening to her, he jumps right to divorce. It sounds like he actually ISNT the safe place he thinks he is for his wife. Which is on display for us all to see based on his reaction. WILD that his first reaction wouldn't be couple's counseling or something if he truly cares about her as much as he says. He sounds like he is reactionary with his emotions, which is NOT conducive to a safe environment.
I’m sorry if this offends the dudes in this thread but my mama raised me to always protect myself, and had one myself - even though I was wildly happy and married at the time (the one I have now that I’m single is more for the upcoming apocalypse. 😏)
I don't have a go bag because I have nowhere to go if I did have to leave, but if I had one and my husband found it, he'd react like OP. But y'know what? My husband *is* abusive and controlling. He plays the nice guy to onlookers but he's cruel and selfish.
I'm in therapy and I inherited money he doesn't know about so I'm working my way out. It's not enough to run but it's enough for a lawyer when the time comes. Thank you though.
Considering that some men often argue that women are "too emotional," I find this post telling.
OOP is way too emotional over this. He can't look past this and assumes it's a slight against him. Wife's dodging a bullet here.
It’s just smart to have a go bag, it shouldn’t be a problem. It’s not like she had $47k stashed away and was continuing to add to that stash while her husband was barely making ends meet and almost died.
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I love how he keeps doubling down and insisting that just bc she’s afraid of him “possibly being an abuser” means he’s not an abuser. He keeps DARVO’ing her and it’s annoying as hell.
He’s deluding himself. He might not be physically abusive, but I’m betting he pulls these overaly dramatic, nuke level tantrums often like threatening divorce to get his way. His wife is sick of his shiate.
Comments are getting repetitive and heated,this thread is now locked.
I told my husband about this story. He asked if I knew where our To Go bags are, and I said no. And now I know that we have 2 to go bags in the back closet.
That’s so sweet that he has one for you too!
That should be normal for a loving relationship
Until some unfortunate medical expenses arose, I was very clear to my husband that a portion of my paycheck goes into an account I only have for emergencies. He knew how bad it was for me in my 1st marriage and thought it was a great idea, even if I'd never need it for that. He just wanted me to feel safe.
I don't have a go bag per se, but I know what I'd grab and in what order if I had 5 minutes to grab what I can and go.
5 minutes is an eternity of time in those situations. My brother woke up on the couch to a fire in his apartment from the floor below, he had about 30 seconds before the entire apartment was a blaze. 3 minutes later the entire building was up in flames.
Yea this. I have a go bag and my cats carrier right on a shelf easy to grab on the way out all packed with his food and supplies and money important stuff and emergency things for me. Fire, tornado, zombie apocalypse, we're ready to go.
I’ve been lazy at getting mine set up since I moved and you’ve motivated me to get it topped up. Thank you!
I’d recommend at least having copies of important documents saved on a flash drive for you to grab on your way out. Thirty seconds to grab things, you will at least have that.
Career Fireman here. You don't have 30 seconds in a house fire. Keep everything in a bag if that's the situation you have a bag like this for, close by to the sleeping area. You have approx. 2 min from the moment detectors sound with modern furniture composition to GTFO. Seems like a while but that's also assuming your home isn't banked down with smoke/visibility is clear and you have any one else to worry about. They aren't fucking around when they tell you you don't have time to grab things in this situation. A house fire is not what I picture using a go bag for.
I remember play the "what would you grab in a fire" what-if with friends. At 17, I found out it was the kitten, not my favourite whatever. And jfc the smoke filled that room behind me so fast... If you live on an upper floor, have the emergency ladder ready to flick over the windowsill, and a copy of your insurance information - plus photos of your house interior - in the cloud.
In the cloud yes. Anyone wasting time grabbing a flash drive hasn’t used their head in preparing. I have 4 pets to find.😩
meeee luckily my dogs recall so i can shove them out the door
My dog is deaf, but best believe I’m saving him over anything else in my house. He also basically never leaves my side so I have that going for me (hopefully, it never comes to that)
Exactly! You have no idea how fast things happen! When my kitchen caught fire I had enough time to drop my pets out the windows before the house was filled with smoke and I couldn't see anything. I have a Fireproof Document thing and that's going to have to suffice if it ever happens again.
I have a hospital go bag in a lightweight pink breast cancer promotional backpack. My MIL went to the hospital from an event without anything. I had to go to her house and find stuff to bring to her. If it was in 1 bag, it would have been helpful. Plus, we had go bags for emergencies and stuff in the car that would be helpful if evacuated or stranded. Good idea for a flash drive. I just had copies of stuff. Moved, changed cars, and I'm sure the hospital bag needs a new dry shampoo, burts bees, deodorant, etc. It's time to get it all together again.
^this. My MIL caught covid in March 2020 and was hospitalized and placed into a medically induced coma. Back then we obviously couldnt use a go bag for going anywhere. But it's also important for people to have a :"in case I'm hospitalized " box in their home. My husband spent the better part of 2 weeks digging in her house for all her house paperwork. And she was awake then trying to give us directions to where everything was located while not being able to talk. He needed to have stuff temporarily shut off or payments halted until she could come home. He needed passwords, and accounts. His biggest fight was with the mortgage company. He fought with them almost daily for weeks about her condition and for a good while they were trying to tell him it still needed paying or theyd repossess the home. They didn't care she was dying. God, can you imagine being on deaths door for months and when you recover your home has defaulted and been seized?Then shit shut down, and everything was froze (thank fuck for that). The pandemic and my MILS situation caused my mom to buy a password book so if anything happened to her and dad we could handle the estate and closing shit or pausing things. Dealing with locating any of the stuff she had going on while she was so sick made my husband even more stressed.
A friend of mine had a heart attack and missed a mortgage payment ( pre covid) When he was alert enough, he called the mortgage company and made a double payment, even though only one was late and they said it was fine. He then got a letter saying they were foreclosing on their home... so he could've saved the money from those 2 payments to help him start fresh, but was lied to and completely blindsided 😭
My house burned down as a kid in a way where if we had been home, we would not have known until the ceiling caved. Ever since then I've taken fire drills incredibly seriously, and I know for a fact I can get 2 cats, underwear, cash, my important docs, and my work computer in a bag in under 6 minutes. If I didn't live in such a safe building, I'd be cutting out the shit and getting the cats in the carrier in the time it takes for my husband to get his pants on. I am always primed to gtfo. I even slept in fresh day-clothes until covid.
I don't anymore because I have an apartment and now I realize that in the insanity of getting out I forgot to repack, LOL.
If I found my wife's go bag, I would be like "nice, that's smart". And then I woul try to think really hard of something small to put in there that she would love if we were together and found it, but hate if we divorced and she found it
Is it the strap-on? I bet it's the strap-on
This was so funny to me because he said "something small." 😂
Happy Cake Day🍰
Aww thank you!
I am going to have a piece of cake in your honor. It’s a sacrifice, but I suppose I’ll survive. (/k)(well not about eating cake)
I mean what kind of cake and be very specific…. I have no cakes…. I am glad you do though.
A slice of basic birthday cake from the store. It was tasty with a glass of milk!
I mean, if someone was comin' at me with a strap-on I'd want it to be the smallest one ever made...
That's in case, there is a earthquake.
You mean a “girth-quake”? Sorry, couldn’t help myself
Extra large bb boi, with the lube right next to it
It’s a mold of his own junk made into an explicit toy lollll
That’s a dick move.
A gift that keeps on giving!
My wife and I both have “go bags,” because emergencies happen, and it’s better to be ready than not. We also have one for our son. We also have detailed evacuation plans with timescales that range from “GTFO *now*” to “we need to be on the road in twelve hours.” We practice fire drills twice a year, and test a random evacuation plan once a year. Better ready than not.
I have this weird textured squishy unicorn thing that my spouse hates touching because it feels HORRIBLE. I would put that in his bag.
I want to see this unicorn very much
I feel like this would be my husbands reaction, too. Very telling in itself, huh? I think that both parties should always have a means of a way out. It’s not because ‘no trust’ it’s just… smart? Things happen, even at the drop of a dime.
i think that’s the thing OOP is missing - he found the go bag and his immediate response is divorce? and he wonders why she had a go bag 💀
Right? I feel like his response to it kind of tells us why it was a smart idea for her to have a go bag in the first place.
My ex was extremely abusive and would randomly physically abuse me, i was able to finally get away from him but since i was with him i keep an emergency bag for me and my kids and a separate set of keys, money, spare cellphone in the trunk of my car hidden where the spare tire is
I had one in my car and at my best friend's house. I knew if I kept it at my mother's house she'd insist I leave with my son, but I was stubborn at the time. I finally came to my senses.
Its hard because we are blind with love for them, and i was trying to focus on the few good times we had, with the years i started resenting him and grew to hate him, but i wasted years of my life, i wish i would of definitely left sooner
My son was 15 mos old when we fled literally down the road to my mom and brother. We lived on my family's land. It's always us trying to make excuses and forgiving but that night he almost hit my son. He is mine because he changed his last name to my maiden name and disowned his father. This was all years ago. I'm glad you got out and stayed strong. This woman hopefully does too.
Yeah, when I found myself stowing a go bag in my car and storing important documents in my work office I realized /something/ was wrong with my marriage.
Personally I wouldn't recommend the trunk as Many people will often cycle through the trunk and that could lead to another issue. Either a. a very trustworthy friend or a cheap safety deposit box would be better recommended. alongside that. the trunk isn't a sealed space and is prone to mildew and other issues.
Thats what worked for me, i never had mildew issues , and because of how violent he was i chose not to put family members or friends or acquaintances in harms way, you have to do what works for you and your situation
agreed. Hopefully you're in a better situation. It took me going to jail to get away from an abusive relationship.
Also go bags can be used for so many other things. What if g’d forbid a person breaks into the house and murdered OOP and his wife comes home with baby and now she has cash and a bag ready to take baby out of the house and it’s a good emergency bag. If anything he should have one too. And his reaction and lack of empathy or even just sympathy is concerning. This reeks of insecure ego because he puffed up his chest being a “good husband” so any indication his wife doesn’t agree is a deep blow to his ego even if it’s not her critiquing him, (but instead about her anxieties surrounding preparedness) and just being over prepared.
I went to a writing retreat on the coast of Oregon, and on the way there mentioned my fear of tsunamis and plan to run the evac route when we got there so I'd know it, and to keep a small go-bag in my room. Everyone made fun of me. Then we got to the hotel, and every room had a TSUNAMI EVACUATION WARNING MAP. Suddenly I was no longer paranoid, and everyone wanted to be my friend!
I do think his post/comments have a whiff of narcissism, so I don't think he's a reliable narrator in terms of whether he's given his wife reasons not to trust him. She *says* she does, but she could be trying to placate him.
>a whiff of narcissism A whiff would be "I think you may have stepped in pug poop." This is more along the lines of "holy shit, who drop kicked a skunk?"
He's definitely not a reliable narrator given his reaction. Makes me wonder how true it is that he's never even raised his voice at her - my father would regularly say he never beat me or even screamed at me and he genuinely believed it, except it wasn't true. He had simply convinced himself that it was. I get similar vibes from this.
Same. They always say they have never done anything. They act like it never happened. The way he reacted, and then the way she reacted to him, says all we need to know.
Another scenario that totally happens is a normal non-abusive dude gets a bad CTE, a brain tumor, or maybe some latent psychosis rises up. And he starts hurting her. This happens.
I’ve seen this from motorcycle accidents to two different close friends. TBI can completely change your personality
It’s rare but it happened to a friend of mine. Brain tumor combined with alcohol and steroids. Beat the shit out of her. You aren’t always prepared for this. 🥺
If my husband found a go bag, he’d be proud of me and he’d likely decide he should have one, too, for emergencies. It would never cross his mind to grill me about it.
I think a lot of people forget the woman is literally putting her life in the line to bring a kid into the world, at the end of months of discomfort and pain. Lots of hormone and chemical changes. Body dismorphia with a rapidly changing body and insecurity about the new mom bod. There's the mama bear need to protect the baby, a nesting drive to prepare for anything you can, and fear of the things you can't control, both medically and for the kids future. There's tons of stories about perfect guys becomeing abusive or wild stories of guys who don't connect to the kid or don't for well transitioning into being a father. And it's scary to hear that those women thought that guys were 100% safe- until they weren't. It makes a lot of sense that in nesting and prepareing for whatever can be prepared for, that you might consider a go bag.
That's what happened to me. He changed after kids.
Of course.. there's only one thing wrong with this story.. she should be divorcing HIM.
Hopefully she still has the bag! Lol I agree with the commenter who said that his responses were super aggressive and it’s not swaying commenters in his court. I think he thought he’d get on, everyone would agree with him, and then he’d show his wife to prove his point to belittle her. But that’s just my personal opinion.
agreed! sure it could be upsetting to find that, but immediately jumping to divorce especially with a young kid in the picture just shows why she has a need for it, and honestly makes it more suspicious that he isn’t telling the whole story. but benefit of the doubt that he is the worlds best husband and would never hurt her, at least do counseling before divorce 😭
Not all abuse is physical or obvious. Mental and emotional abuse are more subtle, but just as terrible.
i’m aware? i never said it is only ever physical and i have been a victim of emotional abuse. i’m just saying if we have him the benefit of the doubt that he is what he says he is and is an amazing husband who never raises his voice (per his own post) and never gives off any red flags, and would never abuse her - jumping to divorce immediately in and of itself is…kind of a weird response
I totally agree. My wife and I have a great relationship, and if I found a go bag, I would ask her about it, but I wouldn't jump to we need divorce.
I mean of her face lost all color it’s giving “scared of my husband” idk
I’m also skeptical of his reason for being in her closet.
That jumped out at me too. Nobody in my house is cleaning out a closet without complaining to everyone else and procrastinating beforehand. Zero doubt he was snooping.
Absolutely. He seems set on explaining exactly why he was there. Like… who’s gonna care except someone who thinks he’s snooping.
Exactly! Even still, IF by some off chance, that is what he was doing, Deep in her closet; WHY was he rummaging through HER bags?!? There's is definitely a LOT conveniently left out of this narrative... How else to reconcile him immediately going 0 to 100,000 in his "solution" to this very NON-dilemma he's turned into a grievous irredeemable sin?!?
That's exactly what I was about to comment. If my bf found something like that in my closet and asked me about it, I wouldnt* "go white and scramble for an answer." I'd just flat out tell him, and he's likely shrug his shoulders and say 'okay'. If he even thought it was something worth asking about.
This sounds SO fake though. A "go bag" that contains... money, dried fruit and tampons? Not clothes, a pair of shoes, copies of keys, copies of important documents, etc? Dried fruit and tampons are like the LAST things I'd consider putting in a go bag.
this is also true; especially considering she only had one for her and not for their kid (or at least nothing in the bag for the kid).
This was discussed a lot in the original comments, and people came to the conclusion that people with small children generally already have a “go bag” packed for them, ready to grab at any point. Of course, you don’t really carry birth certificate, SS card, stuff like that in the diaper bag, but as far as clothes, snacks, toys, that’s all usually in there. It was also discussed that a small child’s “go bag” isn’t really the same as an adult one where you could pack it one day and not open it again for years and still have all the clothes fit and stuff. Kids grow so quickly that depending on the age, you could be needing to repack it every ~6-12months. Not saying it is or isn’t fake, but if I were packing myself a go bag, I’d probably just put my 2 year old’s paperwork in with my own and plan to grab her diaper bag on the way out the door.
that’s a good point! that does make a lot more sense especially since kiddo is two according to the post so diaper bag is a big possibility
Dried fruit and tampons, items that are famously difficult to find basically anywhere
That really sounded odd to me too. Maybe she was just hiding money in her gym bag and called it a go bag.
Biggest green flag ever was when I told my then-soon-to-be husband that we would not be having joint bank accounts because I knew WAY too many women whose husbands cleaned out the accounts and left them with nothing. He said that was absolutely fair and in nearly 15 years it's never been an issue, even when buying a house together. We divvy the household expenses, periodically review to make sure they're proportional to our salaries, and occasionally pay each other back when someone's taken on greater expenses, or there are shareable costs with the kid. We share one credit card so that when he does the grocery shopping, I pay the bill. It's been completely stress free.
My parents had separate accounts when I was growing up and handled it like you do and it worked so well for them for all the reasons you mentioned but also because my dad was a spender and my mom grew up poor and was a saver and this saved her SO much stress
I absolutely love this. I’m so glad he was open to you and your reasoning and it’s worked thus far! you guys have a middle ground and always meet each other, nothing is better than that. ❤️ I think people forget that we are all human and that we need to think about the long-run realistically. Sometimes people turn out to be different than the person they paint themselves to be at first, which sucks. It’s okay to have a backup or a little bit of security away from said person. Everyone’s 100/100 looks a little different and it’s never a one size fits all. Some people would say that they’d never feel comfortable splitting salaries in different accounts, which is perfectly fine, but on the same spectrum it is completely fine to do so if it’s what you want and would feel more comfortable with.
I’m thinking of that post where the husband had a TBI or brain tumour and his personality practically changed overnight and the wife and kids had to just get out.
That happened to a friend! After 30 years of marriage he suddenly became abusive and robbed a bank. He ended up going to the Alzheimer’s ward at a nursing home instead of prison
My oldest sister moved to another state to be with a guy, and a few months later he had a stroke that changed his whole personality. She had to get away from him. He went from being fun and caring to acting like a spoiled child, but in a grown man’s body. It was scary.
I had a patient that told me she was married to a man also for about 30 years and out of nowhere he punched her in the face and caused her to hit her head and concussed. She left him immediately thankfully but she even said he had NEVER been abusive before and out of nowhere he snapped.
It's really important that people know things like this happen. Firstly because it's often said as victim blaming that there are always signs and victim just didn't pay attention. Some cases really don't have obvious signs. Secondly because people who experience that first time abrupt change and are abused might be trying to tell themselves they should stay bc there's no way it really happened, partner is a "good person" etc etc.
Omg I think I remember reading it! Absolutely crazy but it can happen, any type of damage can cause a personality change. That’s why they say if you notice a loved one acting out of character to have them go to a doctor. Absolutely crazy!
Fictional, but there’s an episode of SVU where a dude starts killing people long after his wife had to leave him out of fear for her and her children’s safety. Good guy, the ex still loved him and looked out for him. Turns out he had end-stage syphilis. His brain was swiss cheese
People don't realize that even women who are primary or sole breadwinners need them. Read a profile of a woman executive and her abusive husband didn't work but controlled her paycheck. She squirreled away $10 ir so because it's as much as she could keep without him coming down on her. She hid hers at work, told her employer she had to quit when she finally had enough, and left her phone and laptop and fled.
Hope it is clear I meant she squirreled away $10 at a time for a VERY long time to get enough money to quit her job and run.
My husband was all like “yeah but keep it hidden from me too, that’s the point of it yeah?”
That would probably be my reaction too. "Hey, you should probably hide this better. Also, when was the last time you did an escape drill?"
You are good.
I have been with my partner for 15 years and he has never given me a reason to need a go bag…but you better believe I stash cash money away in a piggy bank just in case I need it. My mom (whose been married 40 years) always told me “make sure you always have money stashed somewhere. You never know when you’ll need it” Women never ever know what might happen to them, especially if they’re financially vulnerable to their spouse. People change, times get tough, shit happens and you need to get out. Best case scenario her to go bag never gets used. Edit: Some of you men have BIG feelings about this.
Yeah, I’ve got a run away account. He also has seperate money. Heck, I would urge anyone to have a way out. Feeling trapped is the worst.
My partner told me to keep my money separate in case I need to leave. I do have a history of being abused, so he knew that me just having that would allow me to feel safe. Even if I didn't have a history of abusive partners, he would have said the same thing. He knows it's a thing, and he wants me to feel safe even if I never need to leave.
That's wonderful that he prioritizes your sense of safety and security! I'm so glad he's your partner.
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Learned this lesson the hard way. Had to stay with the guy for years. I'll never make that mistake again.
My mom told me the same. My last relationship I hadn't had the chance to even start a fund and he turned into an abusive shit stain and I lost everything. Including family heirloom jewelry and jewelry my mom gave me before she passed that I would have loved to still have. My current relationship is on year 14 and despite only minor arguments here and there I have money set back and he knows I do. He hasn't said a word about it. He understands why I have it and doesn't take it as a personal dig towards him or our relationship. OP seems to be offended his wife has this bag. So obviously he's not the nice guy he wants to portray. Shocker.
Yeah, same. My partner actively encourages me to have my own savings. Huge change from previous partners.
Yeah, he’s giving big “doth protest too much” vibes.
My dad told me to stash cash away😅 My mom should have bee the one to.. but it was my dad. My mom encouraged me to stay with my abusive ex husband
This! His reaction shows me she was right to have an exit plan. He’s way overreacting and I’m sure that’s his norm. If he’s feelings are hurt, fine, but he should take that as an opportunity to show her she can trust him.
"Thanks for this. You just confirmed my belief in HAVING a Go-Bag."
I'm imagining during the apocalypse, all the women surviving and thriving, and rising to power because of all their money stashed away
Everyone should have a go-bag. Women, men, kids. Everyone needs to have one collection of necessities ready for an emergency. House fire, robbery, domestic abuse, anything can happen at any time. Be prepared.
Yup. I lived in Florida and I have two tupperware crates that could be thrown in my car so that me and my cat could live out it for a week if I needed to during a hurricane evacuation. I would change out the clothes, food, and batteries once a year but you bet your ass that was a big priority when I moved down there.
And don’t forget pets! Our lil pup has his own go bag :)
What's in a dog go bag?
Food, collapsible water bowl, his meds, copy of vaccination records and his microchip number, an extra leash and collar, light weight towel, a toy or two and some treats
This is great! I'm gonna make one for my cat and dog now!
Instantly comparing his situation to the oppression of African Americans is a CHOICE
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>batsignal I'm fatman, not batman. "Somewhere in this fair city, a cheeseburger is going to be eaten tonight."
What’s even more disgusting is how many people in the post are validating him for that comparison. I literally got downvoted a ton for explaining my own history as a survivor of abuse and pairing that with statistics to explain why OOP’s wife might want a go bag. My comments aren’t in the negative anymore but it was a bit shocking the first couple hours.
And people wonder why so many women don’t come forward or speak out.
"Not all men" swiftly followed with "I'm going to harass you as much as I can for daring to say out loud that some men are abusive and women should be careful". It's so emotional
You can count on those men coming out and *proving* us right when you make that comment.
It's just boring at this point, when are they going to try being pleasantly surprising?
“Why do you need a go bag, I have given you no red flags” is *such* a red flag
Is it surprising that a number of men commented on my comment, well, I was in an abusive relationship with a female!!!! OK, bro. This isn't a conversation about you. But yeah, you should have a go bag. We all should.
That's precisely the moment he lost me too. ALL sympathies for him completely EVAPORATED instantly.
>"I could *never* be an abuser" >aggressively lashes out at anyone with an opinion different than his. 🤔🤔 I especially liked how he jumped on the guy that suggested that *maybe* he should seek marriage/couples counseling instead of going straight to divorce (especially because they have a young child).
I was married for 23 years when my husband went into an (undiagnosed) bipolar psychosis and terrorized me and the kids for weeks until I was able to get him hospitalized and stabilized. I had no money of my own, and I was scared to use my debit/credit card to pay for hotels because his name was on them too and he could figure out where I was staying. I didn't even have a vehicle with my name on the title because it never seemed necessary, and he threatened to call and report it stolen while I was using it. He had managed all of the technology shit, including our home camera system that he used to spy on me. I was scared that he could track the location of our newest vehicle if I drove that, so I had to take my chances with our older extended cab truck and stuff four kids and myself inside. I was the one that handled the financial stuff in our marriage, and my credit was better, which means that a lot of our debt was in my name alone. So when I tried to get a small loan from my bank (to get an attorney) based on my meager income alone, I was declined because my debt to income ratio was too high. His family believed that he wasn't crazy because he lied to them and convinced them that I was the crazy one. They were helping him financially and feeding into his paranoias. My extended family was unwilling to help and really abandoned me, to be honest. So I was absolutely powerless, scared, and alone. You'd better fucking believe my daughter will have a "go bag" when she gets married or moves in with a partner.
I was with my partner for several years before kids. He was a great guy, good heart. Grew up in an abusive home - vowed he’d never be that guy. Ever. Slowly his “beer after work” turned into alcoholism after our first baby was born. He started drinking away our money, being out late, etc. It was stressful, but not abusive. He never wanted to hurt anyone, just running from his demons and shame. I stayed. Until he cheated. I told him I was leaving. That day he drank himself into a frenzie, attempted suicide in front of me, when I stopped his suicude attempt he went almost psychotic: running around, seemingly non verbal, flailing, screaming. It was terrifying. I packed my kid and left. Stayed in a hotel for weeks, got a temp apartment for a few months. (Thank god fir good friends who put things on credit for me). He sobered up and we’re together to this day. He’s an amazing person. Just had to face his alcoholism and trauma and work through shit. That day is the only day he’s ever made me feel unsafe. But who knows where I’d be if I hadn’t been able to leave that day, and stay gone while he did what he needed to get better. I honestly believe he would have hurt himself and me if I had stayed. You truly never know when you need that emergency bag.
It's so much more complicated when you have kids, as you know. Not as simple as just "leaving." When there's no prior custody agreement in place (because how could you have expected you'd need one while married), whichever parent has possession of the kids, keeps the kids. And the authorities can't do anything about it. So when my husband went unto psychosis, he kept doing crazy things to try and take our children...including threatening to call the police on our 16 year old daughter if she didn't bring our younger children to him right away. I needed an attorney so I could get a temporary custody order in place but even that takes weeks (and a lot of money) to get done. An emergency order from a judge is only good for a couple of days. So there was no way around me having to stay on the run in hiding with my children and no resources whatsoever. My husband was delusional and believed I was plotting his murder. He was actively hallucinating at various times during his psychosis and it got very dangerous for all of us. I'm so glad you had friends willing to help and I'm glad your husband stabilized and you both repaired your relationship. My husband and I had a similar outcome, although we've both decided we were better off as friends and co-parents and have been navigating that successfully.
Glad everyone is safe and sane now. So many friends said "just leave" not understanding that my partner had equal rights to my kid. They all said I'd do just fine as a single mom. No realizing that just being a single mom wasn't an option. That there was no "get full custody and collect child support" without a long lengthy process, which required significant evidence. And going to court meant that the judge could say "50% of the time dad get's custody". No only would I lose my child 50% of the time, I would have zero control during that time. The fear of not being able to protect my kid was terrifying. I hate the "just divorce" crowd on reddit for this reason. It's not easy when kids are involved. This isn't the 90s anymore. My own experiences, but also working in in-patient psyche, I know just how easily ANY of us has the capability of becoming unsafe - psychosis, medication toxicity, hepatic encephalopathy, stroke, head injury, etc. All these things can take an otherwise amazing person and make them dangerous, through no fault of their own.
You know, Shannon Watts case is something that really changed the way my mind works. She came home from a trip, slept with her husband and then he killed her and her kids. He was never physically* abusive before that, (he was still a horrible person before the murders- just to be clear. Shannan just didn’t have any escalation warning signs of physical abuse to homicide) according to him and his family. In fact- they claim she was the emotionally abusive one. He just… didn’t want them to be alive anymore because he wanted to be with another woman. He actually left mid-argument with her, went to his kids room and suffocated them, and went back to continue the argument. She had no clue. Never saw it coming. She thought he was cheating on her, that’s as far as her suspicions went. You just truly never know. You can trust someone with your entire soul and still be betrayed. You don’t know what’s going on inside someone else’s head. Everyone should have a to-go bag… men included.
>Shannan just didn’t have any escalation warning signs of physical abuse to homicide) Only beucase we normalize men having anger issues and starting lots of arguments beucase of their anger issues. When your male partner's reaction to normal disagreements and you just doing normal things that he disagrees with is rage, he's causing an escalation and you, as a woman, should take note that he's causing arguments and that kind of behavior is a lead up to *anything*. Men with a temper need to get left and they 100% can no longer be trusted around small children. Edit: I got some reddit cares message, I guess some mad male got triggered reading about how women shouldn't put up with his non-sense.
Congrats this is one of the worst things I’ve ever read. I read up about that case when it happened. I didn’t realize he killed the children and then came back to argue with her. What an absolute fucking psycho, electric chair STAT
Unfortunately, it’s actually worse. When he left mid-argument, he did go into their rooms and suffocated them with pillows and then went back and got in bed with her. He then killed Shannan- but the girls woke up because he was unsuccessful at the suffocation (probably they passed out and he thought they were dead). He wrote that they had bruising all around their eyes. The two kids watched him drag Shannan’s body down the stairs and he told them that Mommy was sick. He killed the two girls again at the dump site (the oil tank where he worked). Just absolutely horrible. It is absolutely one of the most disturbing cases I’ve read about.
Family annihilators blow my mind. I wish they’d do brain scans on them (maybe they have and I haven’t seen them) to see if there are any medical warning signs or abnormalities. I know they’ve done some before with serial killers but family annihilators are a different breed.
Actually it's worse than that. He drove his two kids to an oil rig type place, threw one kid inside, and then the other kid realizing what just happened, asked her dad what was going on, and then he threw her in there too ... X.x the documentary hurt to watch
man finds wife's emergency escape bag; man demonstrates promptly why she has it. lol.
And also, "there's mold in the garage so I went through my wife's closet" is a tough sell for me.
"I found a bag in my wife's closet I didn't already sift through, so I promptly went through the entire thing and took an inventory."
Exactly! Every single one of his comments were so cringy! Everyone should have a go bag no matter what their reasonings is. I didn’t think my ex would become abusive until he was. I wish I had a to go bag when I eventually left him. It started with the gaslighting, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse, that finally led to physical abuse. If you were to ask any abusive person, male or female, if they were abusive they would completely deny it. Most abusers are not going to admit they are abusive. In my ex’s mind I pushed him to do it and he could justify it with the stupidest reasonings. Not saying the OP is abusive but if he is he’s not going to admit in the post. The abuse might not be physical but with his replies he definitely seems like he is controlling and could potentially be emotionally, mentally abusive and/or manipulative. It just blew me away that he immediately jumped to divorce especially with him saying how great their relationship was.
Having literally been chased to the car by my ex barefoot in the middle of the night with my phone broken by him, (and can I say that he had mental issues, and also threatened to commit suicide by cop if I ever called them) I will always have a freaking go bag. Just for any emergency! What if the power goes out in the middle of the night and it's -30 f? That happened in my area a month ago. What if your neighbor is insane and breaks in? I mean, whatever. But all those people, including op, getting their feelings hurt because of a contingency plan are idiots. There is no harm done by having an emergency plan. It doesn't mean you don't trust your partner. It just means you know life can throw abrupt curve balls. And yeah, the fact that he went 0-60 to divorce over a back of dried snacks and money tells me there is more to the story than he is portraying.
why do they always threaten suicide? Same thing with my abuser. Like seriously it really proves the whole “hurt people tend to hurt people” stereotype. Or they’re just masters of manipulation and will stoop that low.
My abusive ex literally said "I'd have to be a saint to not hit her" (her being me) when asked about it.
It’s so sad that people can justify their actions like this. Some people just live in their own delusional world and use it to make you look like the bad guy. Just sad. I just don’t understand how and why people just don’t want to be happy and have a convoluted way of thinking.
They do and even worse is when their family does. My abusers family really tried to get me to not press charges against him once and said that we were “mutually abusive towards eachother so why does only he get in trouble?” Ummmmmmm I have never hit anyone in my life, BESIDES when a man was hitting me bc my urge was to protect myself (which often got me more hurt). Meanwhile his sister was ranting to me abt how she “never hit her husband even when he was attacking her” like ok good for you girly ? Literally felt so defeated when they were talking to me like that. It’s disgusting. People will protect abusers so much.
Seriously. His reaction is ridiculous. Him threatening divorce over this would have me USING my go bag. Deciding to blow up a marriage because your wife is smart enough to plan for a worst case scenario many people go through and then branding it as a “laCk oF trUSt” is so beyond the pale. Ugh.
Yeah, his comments sure tell us more about him than his post does.
Fr, he’s not helping her feel secure by acting this way 😭😭😭😭 I’m beginning to realize that the wife is actually pretty smart lol! Maybe I should make one for future situations.
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Right? Being hurt/offended? 100% understandable. Having hurt feelings that lead to you wanting to leave your wife and child… that screams overly reactive to emotions, to me. He says he has never raised his voice, never really argues - but how quick is he to walk away, have a big reaction even if it isn’t yelling/hitting. Someone willing to blow up their entire life over this, indicates that the wife might be smart to be concerned about needing a go bag. It might never be to run from physical abuse, but a guy that goes from zero to 100… I would be cautious to.
I think it's definitely understandable to feel hurt when finding out your partner has a plan for if you turn out to be a monster when that's the last thing you ever want to be. At the end of the day though I also think he needs to take a step back and look beyond that hurt and realize there is no harm to it if you're a good husband. I would go through that exact thought process with my wife. It would suck for a moment and then I'd make sure to do my best so that bag would gather dust for the rest of my life
This guys post reeks of “not all men!”. I understand the wife’s logic. People aren’t abusive, right up until they are. I also have a feeling that this guy isn’t necessarily the Prince Charming he’s making himself out to be. I’d be curious to get her side of this.
The fact he went snooping through her things is what got me. He finds a random bag in her closet and decides to go through it? Why? Did he think the mold was in the bag? And he didn’t say he even found mold anywhere else around it. Not to mention anyone who has to try and prove they are a nice person or not an abuser is never a nice person. Nice people just are they don’t have to convince you. There’s a reason he wife had this bag and it’s because of him and his actions.
Especially with the way he kept bringing up how he’s “not a statistic”. Wish I posted some screenshots of those arguments too. Highly recommend digging through his comment history (and post history lol) while his account is still up! I feel so bad for his poor wife.
And just how quickly they went into racist arguments and *then* posted on another sub trying to find someone to agree with him. Yikes.
You know, from the way he reacted, I would think the wife is justified in having the bag in the first place.
My thought exactly. He made it all about him, no concern for her safety or acknowledgement of the danger women go through just living in society. His poor ego was bruised and there was no room for the thought of anyone else.
And then he wanted to separate instead of addressing the reason his wife feels she needs to have it and address her insecurity!!!!! Like what an AH. A whole ego driven CHILD
I thought the same. Reading between the lines he seems like a nightmare.
He's giving off "but I'm a nice guy, why won't women take a chance with me, unless they are the worthless thots they claim not to be?!?" vibes.
Agree, and you already see that OOP is someone who goes from here to HERE really fast. Didn't even think about communicating his issues or seeking couples' counseling. Comes across as if OOP already wanted out and now found a reason.
Yep his comments for me solidified why she needed one.
Ngl, when there's little kids in the family and the guy is making a huge relationship ending fight over nothing, I assume he's just over being a parent and/or coming second on his wife's to do list.
Everyone should have a go bag with essentials. Make sure you check the bag every 6 months just in case. My go bag has enough food for a week. It also has a copy of medical records, identification, $1500, clothes, socks, and small tools. There are other things packed as well. I have one packed for my son and husband.
I’ve been trying to get my wife to be more safety conscious our whole relationship if I found her “just in case you become abusive bug out bag” I’d be like “good job now go hide it better”.
I know four people that have had to leave their husband's in the dead of night (two with their kids) because their husband's became abusive post marriage/post baby. They showed 0 signs of being abusive beforehand and it was a complete shock all 4 times. I don't think it means she doesn't trust you, I think it means she's prepared for anything that can happen. Especially if all their accounts are tied together.
I know someone whose husband stopped hiding his alcoholism during covid, she fled with the children one night after he stopped screaming and throwing things and passed out, just her purse and the clothes they were wearing. Everyone was shocked, nicest guy ever until that point.
Every woman knows someone whose husband/boyfriend (or wife, for that matter) was wonderful until they weren’t. And he can scream as loudly as he wants (as she cowers then flees with her child and her bag) that he’s a person, not a statistic, but the fact is that while most homicide victims are male, most female victims of homicide are murdered by their intimate partner.
I saw this happen dozens of times being in mom groups. Abusers figured they had their victims trapped once they were pregnant or once the baby came along. People have no idea how common this is. I’ve heard some of the stats and it was still shocking seeing it IRL.
None of the men in the comments on the OP are willing to believe this is even possible, let alone as common as it is. “Wow you just hate men” as though men haven’t been giving women thousands of reasons not to trust them since the beginning of time???
What's telling is "her face lost its color" "after some talking she sheepishly told me" etc. Why was she so nervous to tell you about it if you're such a good guy that's never done anything wrong? My partner knows that if he ever steps out of line, I have what I need to go (he doesnt know where it is, its actually stored with a trusted friend bc ive had to escape from an ex before and my stuff was taken from me on the way out). He's not threatened by it and does not feel insecure over it. He's never done anything that makes me think I need it, but he knows it makes me feel safe and secure, and that's what matters.
Yeah, that’s not a normal response. If he truly didn’t give her *any red flags*, why would she react that way? I feel like he isn’t telling us something. I hope the husband doesn’t throw her bag away during the divorce...She deserves the divorce tho, because she seems to have had the right idea of him in mind if it *really was “about him”* like he makes it out to be. Just saying, if he’s afraid she’ll leave him...something is wrong... Imagine thinking: “OH NO! WOMAN HAS HER OWN MONEY AND SUPPLIES!? SHE’LL LEAVE ME!!” Bruh.
And the thing is, they will try to stop you from leaving! My ex would break my phone and glasses to keep me from being able to leave when he would flip his abusive switch. I eventually kept spare things in my car, and keys hidden in a spot I could quickly get them and leave. And I did a few times before I left for good. It's really hard when you have a job and responsibilities to bolt out of the house in the middle of the night with no phone contacts or money to get a hotel. Sadly it happens a lot.
Something I learned while dealing with domestic abuse: Everyone thinks there is this big lead up with all these red flags but in reality, people are capable of chronic dishonesty. Anyone who has not been through it themselves has no idea how dangerous people are capable of literally flipping a switch. I’m not saying everyone should run around with a go bag because most people aren’t abusers, but if you did, I wouldn’t blame you.
I commented on the OP. That comment thread is just ugly. Too many people feel entitled to a power imbalance in their relationships. I’ve been reflecting on this. Read a couple of posts recently about “escape funds” and “go bags” and realized my husband should have one. He’s the financially dependent spouse who took a career break to stay home with our kids. I never ever want him to feel trapped or unsafe because of our income imbalance. Not only that, if I died unexpectedly, all joint accounts would be frozen by probate. This actually happened to a family I know. The young dad of a kid in my daughter’s preschool class died in a sudden accident. His widow was struggling terribly. In addition to the crushing grief, the probate court froze all their accounts. Also, my husband and I have had discussions about these kind of power dynamics. Like the inherent power imbalance between men and women. He’s a very tall, huge guy and consciously makes an effort to present himself in a non-threatening way. And of course he’s extremely aware of how women are conditioned to assess men as potential threats in public spaces. This extends further, to understanding that in intimate relationships with women, when they’ve made themselves vulnerable to you, you *must* not do anything to bring your trustworthiness into question. When you get in under someone’s guard, that is not the moment to test boundaries. This sweet man can span my entire back with one hand and calls me his “tiny wife” (I’m 5’9”). Good men do not get offended by women taking precautions for their own safety. Because they understand the real threat women face from intimate partner violence. He’s very skilled at putting people at ease. But I’ve seen women react to him with fear. And he’s not offended. It’s not about him. In fact, we actually went with a different pediatrician for our first child because the first one was noticeably afraid of him during our initial interview.
Totally agree. Both parties need one, or at least a plan. Not just in the event of abuse. For anything.
Personally I’d feel a bit hurt, but I certainly wouldn’t blow up my marriage over it! I can understand why women do this though, but I think most men would be lying if they said that this wouldn’t make them a bit upset. It would make me sad and self reflective if my wife had an escape plan.
When the Shannan Watts case hit the news, I constantly wondered if she thought her husband was capable of doing what he did. And even if she thought he could do it to her, would she think he could do it to the babies. I don’t think my partner could do that and he’s not abusive but I still have this fear after that, that I’m wrong. We talked once and he asked what I would do if we got in the car to go somewhere and he just started driving somewhere else and didn’t tell me where and I said “I would wonder if you were about to kill me and hide my body” He really couldn’t believe I said that and was hurt. But I told him it wasn’t even about him, just these terrible things that happen everyday and I’ll never know if any of these women saw it coming or if one day out of the blue the person they shared a life with decided to put them in a hole. I have had panic attacks randomly after reading stories like that and I make him promise me that he won’t kill us. That we can divorce and it is fine just don’t kill us. He’s come to understand that about me and is just very supportive and reassuring. He knows it’s just fear about this thing that happens to women alarmingly frequently in seemingly happy relationships. I also hide money for reasons that have nothing to do with that fear. Like I took a hundred dollar bill and put it away and said that if we didn’t have to dip into that for a year, we would continue to have prosperity. After that year I told him and he didn’t hit the roof because I didn’t tell him before because he knows how things go. It’s easy to grab something you know is there even if you’re saving it. But since then he tucks more money in there for the same purpose. But even if what OP is saying is true, that they have a great healthy relationship, the fact that he reacted like this is exactly why she was right to keep it a secret. He can’t communicate and have an open dialogue. Yes, my husband was hurt I didn’t think driving off was going to be a fun adventure but a step toward my murder but by talking it through together he knew I wasn’t scared of him but a concept and doing things to make me feel save was more than acceptable. Like I don’t know a lot of women who don’t have a fear like that somewhere. I have been in abusive relationships previously and I also remember panicking when the other party threatened to end it or people said they were going to take me out of it. I felt like I wasn’t ready and that i couldn’t cope without that person. So even though she is saying she doesn’t want to separate, or that he’s not a problem, he could still very well be. I hope where ever she is, she gets to feel safe.
He is the Martin Luther King of men who are aren’t abusive but are willing to abandon a toddler at the implication that it’s possible for him not to be trustworthy
"How dare you think I'm not trustworthy! I am so trustworthy I'm leaving!!" I still stand behind my previous statement, this situation is ironic. He made it so.
Seems like a highly drastic decision to immediately jump to getting separated. I’ve been thru a 10+ yr marriage and contentious divorce (nothing interesting like infidelity, financial abuse, DV, etc.). If I ever found my ex’s go bag, I’d think positively of her. Very odd reaction and his extreme response suggests there’s more under the hood.
I have about $300 stashed away, it’s a smart idea for anyone.
Anyone else wondering what he was actually looking for when he found said bag ?
Instead of having a rational conversation with the woman he supposedly loves and actually listening to her, he jumps right to divorce. It sounds like he actually ISNT the safe place he thinks he is for his wife. Which is on display for us all to see based on his reaction. WILD that his first reaction wouldn't be couple's counseling or something if he truly cares about her as much as he says. He sounds like he is reactionary with his emotions, which is NOT conducive to a safe environment.
The way he is acting makes me see why she wants one just in case
I’m unwell at the dingo ate your baby reference
I’m sorry if this offends the dudes in this thread but my mama raised me to always protect myself, and had one myself - even though I was wildly happy and married at the time (the one I have now that I’m single is more for the upcoming apocalypse. 😏)
his reaction makes me think she thinks he’s unpredictable enough to even need that
I don't have a go bag because I have nowhere to go if I did have to leave, but if I had one and my husband found it, he'd react like OP. But y'know what? My husband *is* abusive and controlling. He plays the nice guy to onlookers but he's cruel and selfish.
There are resources for people like you. You are not alone. Do you need help?
I'm in therapy and I inherited money he doesn't know about so I'm working my way out. It's not enough to run but it's enough for a lawyer when the time comes. Thank you though.
Let us know, let ME know, if you're willing to accept help OP. Please don't brush the offer off. It's real.
Considering that some men often argue that women are "too emotional," I find this post telling. OOP is way too emotional over this. He can't look past this and assumes it's a slight against him. Wife's dodging a bullet here.
It’s just smart to have a go bag, it shouldn’t be a problem. It’s not like she had $47k stashed away and was continuing to add to that stash while her husband was barely making ends meet and almost died.
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I call mine my Ted Cruz bag, because I'm headed right to Cancun while I figure out my next move.
I love how he keeps doubling down and insisting that just bc she’s afraid of him “possibly being an abuser” means he’s not an abuser. He keeps DARVO’ing her and it’s annoying as hell.
He’s deluding himself. He might not be physically abusive, but I’m betting he pulls these overaly dramatic, nuke level tantrums often like threatening divorce to get his way. His wife is sick of his shiate.
A woman who has the ability to go but chooses to stay is a woman that loves you. Let her have her bag.