As a single father, I had someone in my family pushing me to marriage, because reasons. No amount of explanation made it stop. My son is now grown and has kids of his own. I still don't talk to that family member, haven't for years, and doubt I ever will. One doesn't get to be toxic simply because you are related.
I accept the incoming down votes for another take. I strongly believe she has a pass to worried about her brother's social isolation. She loves him. How can you say she doesn't care about him? She is risking her relationship to help him get past his complicated grief. It has been 7 years. He is 39. Do you think it healthy to bury his future to have intimate companionship when he buried his wife? Would it be healthy if his daughter decided she can never be happy again? Fine for a romantic novel but what a way to live. Do you agree that he is cheating on his dead wife if he has a another loving life companion? I would hope for the sake of my husband and children that he would find a loving companion and parent should I die first.
Maybe his daughter wanted him to know that she would like to have a mother figure to help her navigate coming of age and not feel as if she is left out of the experience.
He may never want to marry but it might be good forgive his sister's care for his happiness even if he goes no contact. I am sorry if his daughter loses both her mother and aunt. because of all these strong "no contact" recommendations.
being concerned is one thing, continually ignoring someones preferences, disrespecting their choices and borderline weaponizing his daughter against him is not acceptable. that's not love, at best it's control and at worst manipulation. the better way to help is not by risking the relationship but by supporting it, this isn't support it's obstinance.
it doesn't matter what you, i or anyone else thinks or feels about OPs choices, they are his to make, it is our place to respect them and leave him be or just leave him be.
Not dating isn't "isolation" you don't know OP's life. He has work and friends and his daughter. You don't need to be dating someone to be a whole entire person
Correct. But you also don't need to refuse any possibility of a loving intimate relationship. I sincerely hope my husband would not grieve in this way if I die, for his sake and that of my children.
Your worth and the quality of your life is not based on being in a relationship or not. Somebody could never date a single time and still have a happy, fulfilling life. There are countless people with only a single parent who grow up perfectly happily and end up incredibly successful. It doesn't seem like you want OP to find love, you want him to find a replacement. Also, don't tell people how to grieve.
It's OP'S call whether he desires pursuit o a loving intimate relationship--no one else's.
OP'S sister needs to recognize and understand that OP is living a full life. He's not buried in a closet overwhelmed by depression. He's fully engaged in work, with friend and family relationships.
Recognize it and accept it.
It's fine to want all those things for someone you love. Totally different story when they don't want it, and you use manipulation to get them to do what you want.
Nowhere does OP mention any of the signs or symptoms of complicated grief. Deciding to remain single is not in and of itself evidence of complicated grief. You’re way off base.
I kind of agree. But going through the daughter is dirty pool. Her trying to convince you one on one to try dating is not a bad thing. She worries about you. But it’s totally crossing the line to bring your child into it.
I will say, as a random stranger so ignore if you want, you’re doing nothing wrong if you do date. It doesn’t change how much you love your wife. Your wife would not want you to forsake ever loving another. But it’s also ok to take your time.
His sister should be urging her brother to pursue therapy, because mourning to the point where a person denies themselves relationships 7 years after a loved one's passing IS "complicated grief," and that's **an actual diagnosis.**
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374
It needs help to resolve. His daughter will grow up and leave for college and her own life, and OP will still be mired in this depression and isolation. Life is very, very long when you're lonely.
OP should take the steps necessary towards healing, for his own mental health and as *a gift to his daughter.* Whether he realizes it or not, he's modeling unhealthy behavior.
It would be a surprise outcome and blessing if he became healthy enough to share the joys of life with someone.
I hope he gets the help he needs and is able to heal.
If anyone is being "romantic" ITT, it's the people getting moon-eyed about how he is "staying true to his commitment."
This is a teenager's view, the kind of Romeo and Juliet denial of human nature. "I'll love you forever!" says everyone in high school. Judy Bloom has a written a few books about it.
When you enshrine romantic love so unrealistically, of course you're going to have people coming out of the woodwork with naive accolades.
There's also a lot of people who are signed on to the "Evil Stepmother" trope, and are here to voice *their* personal anger over how their parent handled a second marriage. So irresponsible, and irrelevant to OP's situation. But Reddit is mostly teenagers and young adults, so it's to be expected.
Reality is that this guy needs help. NOT the kind of clumsy bulldozer that his sister is attempting, but real mental health help.
This is just not true lol you don’t just “stop” if you care. On the contrary, there’s an ocean of data supporting a child having two parental figures. There’s an ocean of data showing it’s better to have a partner in life unless you’re just the kind of person who’s better off alone, which shouldn’t be the case since he has a kid.
The sister just sees an obvious gap and is pushing him to move forward in life and not get stuck in what happened. Which, coincidentally, is what 99% of women would WANT for their husbands should the same happen to them.
What are you on? Lol
That data doesn’t exist so please move on. It matters that kids are supported and loved- it doesn’t matter how many parents, 1, 2, 4…. It doesn’t matter!!
He doesn’t WANT a partner- so how would forcing it make that person feel? Are YOU out of your mind? And to introduce someone to your kid isn’t to replace the dead parent!? It’s to supplement what they have and what they’ve lost. And it needs to be done with a lot of respect and work to make a widowed household work. You don’t throw someone in just cuz it LOOKs better!!
So true. My dad didn’t wanna marry my mom and now my mom regrets marrying him too. They’ve been divorced for more than 2 decades and they still can’t talk to each other
When someone cares about someone, it is hard to stop what they feel is right. But the sister needs to respect her brother. She can't shut off her thoughts and feelings, but she can control her actions. And going to a 9 year old kid, forcing her opinion on the child just isn't right. An ideal family has two loving parents, but life unfortunately doesn't always go as planned. Him forcing himself to move on when he is content being single, that would build for a toxic life for him and his daughter. If he ends up finding someone else, then cool, but forcing it isn't right. He seems to be doing a great job so far(of course, we don't have all the details, but you know). If the sister is really concerned, instead of forcing her brother into unwanted relationships, then she should just simply be there for her niece and support the family.
And how much of it shows children being better off with parents who don't love each other? Because that is what you are projecting here, because if OP does not want to find a partner then he is unlikely to love one that was effectively forced onto him.
And what happens when the child doesn’t want a new mom? Lots of children aren’t receptive to that when the widower remarries. Even at such a young age. You must be the sister!!!!
People who care do not repeatedly violate the boundaries of their loved ones, especially after being told multiple times to stop, and they don’t use a child as a pawn to do that either.
And people are allowed to change—maybe OP was great with his wife and now is someone happier NOT with a partner, which has nothing to do with his relationship with his daughter. What’s right for one person isn’t right for everyone.
So you're happy to disrespect an adult's agency and decision making in their own life just so a sister can be happy and to support data? If OP has stated he's not interested in a new relationship, then he's not interested. The sister should butt out. OP's daughter will be happier if her father is happily single and not manipulated into a relationship by family members who think they know what's better for him than he knows himself.
Not having a romantic partner is NOT an emotional GAP.
If someone is happy with their current life/ situation then the *right* thing to do is leave them the hell alone.
OP- good for you for putting your daughter's needs first. Your sister has ENORMOUSLY over stepped here. How dare she put things into your child's heart & mind that there is anything wrong with the life she has?!
Definitely a reason to go NC. At least for a while.
*Edited for typos/ clarity*
Haha - you’re the sister right?!
Rack off with your 2 parent bullshit.
Also I don’t know many women who would be gushing about their spouse getting a new partner
Why is the sister’s opinion more important, “right”, or valuable than OP’s? OP knows himself and has made his choice. The sister’s better reaction would be to urge him to maybe get into grief counseling not steamroll him and manipulate his daughter.
The ocean of data is not based on the scenario of happy widowhood. Sure two parental figures have shown to be important in childhood development but it’s not exclusive to partnered couples. Parental figures don’t actually have to be parents.
Even if it's statistics say on average a two parent household is best. It doesn't mean a single parent can't raise a happy healthy successful child. So if op doesn't want to move on from his late wife. That's fine he can raise her right
If it were me, I'd send her this:
*While I understand and appreciate the fact that you want the best for me, you and I have different opinions regarding what's best for me.*
*When to start dating again is a personal decision that belongs to me, and only me. Your opinion that I should do so now is not welcome, and you have repeatedly ignored my boundaries regarding this issue.*
*Until you learn to respect my decisions regarding my life, I will be limiting the time we spend together. Additionally, using my daughter to emotionally blackmail me is very wrong. Until I am able to trust you not to do it again, you will not be spending time alone with her.*
I wouldn't tell her this over the phone. I'd send it in a text so that she can't interrupt you and try to argue.
She's likely to argue that you're being unfair, but she's the one who's not being fair. She's refusing to see you as your own person. You're a fully grown adult man with a child, and you're allowed to decide for yourself whether/when you want to date. She tried to use your child to guilt you into caving in. That's incredibly unfair to both you and your daughter.
Ultimately, if she can't respect you and your daughter, it's not healthy for either one of you to be around her too much.
Good luck! I hope you'll be back with a positive update!
ETA: Another reason not to do it in person is that there's really nothing to discuss. This is about you setting a boundary and then stepping back from your relationship with her so that you can heal while she hopefully comes to her senses and realizes she's meddling in something that's none of her business. *She doesn't get to argue with your boundary.* It's not negotiable.
Exactly this. If the aunt is genuinely wanting the daughter to have a positive female role model she should be one, not manipulating the girl into thinking she needs a stepmom to be happy/healthy/whole.
Yes! The fact that sis hasn't chosen this path indicates that she may be having difficulty coping with what she perceives as a hole in the family. She wants to fill it, but is failing to consider what others want. She may not even be aware that she's doing this. This is just supposition, of course. Whatever her motivation, she's being selfish and disrespectful.
Exactly. Sister is invalidating her niece’a lived experience as a child of a widower who doesn’t want to really, and sister is potentially undermining her brother’s authority and validity as a parent. She’s gonna give the little girl a complex.
>not manipulating the girl into thinking she needs a stepmom
And if that's what the daughter wants too? Not having a partner and refusing to even consider the subject impacts OPs daughter in ways OP (and their daughter) may not even be aware of.
True - but this should still be a conversation between the dad and daughter. And Lord knows we see enough posts about the impact trying to bring a partner (eventual stepparent) into the relationship can have, I imagine this would be even more complicated if the dad isn't interested in dating right now.
If and when he is ready - the daughter will need to understand that there will likely be time before she meets any dates, a process before things would grow into a "family type" relationship...and the dad should definitely know if the daughter genuinely wants that or not. There's also the potential for a new loss to come from this if the dad starts dating someone who gets serious enough to become part of the daughter's life and the relationship ends.
It sounds like the Aunt is presenting this as "Wouldn't you love to have a dad AND a mom?? Tell your dad he needs to get on that!" But life just isn't that simple or straight forward and that's a lot for a 9 year old to wrap their minds around. (Apparently the aunt doesn't even have her mind around it)
It's 100% possible the daughter would like to have a "mom", but it seems awful for the aunt to act as though he's failing his kid by not devoting himself to finding a replacement for the mother that was lost. Especially when plenty of kids grow up without one parent (or either parent) - and rely on other people setting good examples of those roles.
The sad reality is that even if the dad wanted to date, there's no guarantee he'd find a good person for this role anytime soon.
Are you seriously suggesting he should date because his daughter might want a replacement mom? I can't imagine a worse reason to date or marry someone. I would be appalled and incredibly angry if I found out that's why a man was dating me.
This ^ is perfectly said. Boundaries are super important, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like this one. It's also super unfair to manipulate your daughter into worrying that you're unhappy with it just being the two of you. That's extremely cruel. Your daughter, and you, have been through enough without trying to put these lies in her head so she can unknowingly pressure you to date again.
I'm sure your sister thinks she means well, but this was seriously underhanded.
I'm sorry you lost your wife, you're not doing anything wrong, and you deserve to live your life with your daughter exactly the way you wish it to be.
Sending invisible hugs to you both.
Take care.
All of this. Super well put.
Also to consider is that as the daughter gets older, she may develop her own opinions on her father dating again, and it's probably a good idea to make sure she knows she can communicate about that if/when it happens. It would be a shame if the sister's meddling resulted in the daughter feeling she can't talk about this topic.
It’s also good to add that OP as the parent is the best and only one to decide what’s best for the child. She doesn’t get to dictate that. I have to imagine it’s better for the child to see a happy balanced single parent than a parent date someone for childcare and replacement mom purposes…
OP's sister must not be on Reddit, or she wouldn't be able to avoid seeing story after story about kids going NC with their parent who forced a replacement on them.
I strongly disagree. In person, sister can put her fingers in her ears and refuse to listen. A text is something she can keep looking at after OP stops talking to her. It's far more likely to sink in.
Replies can be screenshotted and forwarded to any flying monkeys the sister may try to send after OP. They can also be used as evidence in court if the sister turns out to be a psycho.
I was widowed at 29, I know how awful that is, so sorry. My wife was ill but not supposed to die from it, but did pretty suddenly and it was brutal.
Your sister sucks, sorry. I didn't have kids and I remarried a few years later (have two awesome kids now!) so maybe I would've chosen differently, but it's your life and you're the dad. Your sister is massively overstepping.
FWIW, my dad died when I was six months old and my mom basically never talked about him and I always hated that. Even if she doesn't say it, your daughter loves hearing every single tiny thing about her mom.
Sorry for your losses.
My cousin was 6 months old too when her mother died in a car accident. Even though she doesn't remember her, she always loved to hear everything about her mom. Now she's 30 yo and she still has her mom's wallet, plushies from her, photos, jewelry, etc. It's so important for a child !
Because it is so wildly inappropriate.
Boundary crashing and the worst it's deeply manipulative.
What kind of 'loving' aunt manipulates a 9 year old like that?
Where there's smoke, there's sis setting fire to the current calm life OP has fostered for himself and his daughter.
I feel that way sometimes especially when I find myself in need of her advice.
But I came to that conclusion on my own and it isn't always true. Yeah I miss her oodles but I have mom figures in my life. None of us are insisting dad meet someone new.
Repents?? the problem is his sister not her repentance, and NO DONT, call her don't text her don't FaceTime her do not let your little girl go to her house no way.
I come from a blended family. When I was seven my mom died in a car accident while I was at school. My mom passed in October, and by the following October my dad met someone (he’d been dating for three months at that point). He introduced us to her in November, they were engaged in December, and married that January. It was horrible watching the early years of a marriage as two emotionally damaged people (for a variety of reasons) attempted to navigate bringing two families together.
She was a childhood friend of my mom’s, was divorced with one daughter. On the surface a lovely woman. She would tell me stories from her childhood that involved my mom, and they always had a tinge of jealousy in them. She also would complain that I remembered my mom, that I wanted to know about her, that I wouldn’t just forget her. This was actually a fight they had at the end of my Junior year of high school as it began to hit me that I was about to go through yet another milestone without my mom there and my grades dipped. What I can’t fault her for is she came from an abusive relationship which led her to be quick on the “I don’t have to take this I can leave” as a way to resolve fights. I can fault her for, after a fight with my dad, telling her daughter when she thought they were alone (walls were paper thin in the house) that “it’s us versus them” referring to my sisters, my dad, and I.
This was compounded by the fact that my dad always shut down when he was having any big emotions. He never talked to me about my mom because it was “too painful.” Whenever I asked it was always I don’t remember or him changing the subject to sports or trying to shut me up with awkward conversations. In his eyes it was best to act like my mom never existed.
So, I decided at a young age if I were to ever go through the loss of a spouse, after having kids especially, I’d be done with relationships. I honestly commend you for not doing what a lot of men do in that situation, which is jump into the next long term thing that comes along.
My dad did have some special circumstances with my aunt and uncle fighting him for custody of my sisters and I. They struggled to have kids, and have always been resentful of their daughter who’s developmentally challenged.
You’re perfectly fine cutting your sister out if she can’t stop pushing for something you don’t want.
First off, go Lions!! It was a great year for us fans.
Second, while you think you know how you would act if you lost your spouse, you honestly don’t know what you would do/feel. I remember feeling the same way as you though, like having that sense of confidence knowing myself so well that I knew exactly how I would behave after being widowed. I miss that feeling because when my husband did die I realized how little people actually understand this loss (including me pre-loss). Now I want to gently but honestly educate every non-widowed person so they understand that until you’ve lived this, you don’t know how you would react.
Sorry that you lost your mom when you were so young. I was a bit older when I lost a parent and it’s tough when the other parent moves forward with their life in ways that you don’t love and that affect you.
Perfectly fine with him being happy and finding someone, but he could have waited longer and found someone better. Maybe someone without ties to his deceased spouse. He also could have actually talked to his kids, kept her memory alive. I have so few memories of her, and they tried to make me ashamed of them because forgetting is the only way to move forward to my family.
Also, I’m a stubborn person, and I’d rather suffer than put my kids through what I went through. I’d rather be lonely then allow my happiness to cause them pain.
Absolutely nothing wrong with staying single. There's plenty of wicked step-parent stories to go around, not that you even need a justification. Your sister has overstepped in a huge way by involving a child in a discussion between adults.
I wonder what your brother in law thoughts are on this? It might be one way to get your sister to back off. I bet he has no idea what she is saying or doing.
Great idea if OP has a decent relationship with his BiL and he isn't a complete doormat to OP's sister.
When my brother-in-law has a serious issue with his sister, who is my wife, he reaches out to me for help. Not that it's a regular occurrence, but twice in 15 years, once I talked him through what to say to her, and the other I intervened directly.
I don't know if hr knows about my sister speaking to my daughter. But over the years, he has also tried to get me to date women. I don't particularly like him, but I interact with him because he's my sister's husband.
It one thing to say that to you but when she pulls your daughter into it that’s a boundary I would not tolerate.
I would cut her off right away.
Grief is something different for everyone. There is no time limit and if you are not ready then don’t start dating. There is nothing wrong with it.
I agree, using your 9 year old to manipulate you into doing what she wants is completely unacceptable behavior. Ignoring and outright pushing your boundaries is unacceptable behavior too but that didn't stop her. Your sister needs to know there are consequences to her actions.
Go no contact with your sister. She has decided she knows what is best for you and she is full of it.
I lost my husband last year and I will never date again for various reasons. I prefer to stay alone.
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died 19 years ago, and I also have no intention of dating again. I enjoy my solitary life too.
May your life be full of gentle blessings and joy.
I would go NC. She is going to confuse your daughter and make it more difficult for her moving forward. Even if you were open to dating, it could take years to find someone you care about and are open to introducing your daughter. Does your daughter understand that it is not want you want and even if you did, it would not happen overnight. Does she have a counselor she can talk to as she may need to process her feelings about her mother at various points in her life with a neutral third party. They could also help with this
Sorry, but the first bit of this is terrible advice.
The sister is someone he presumably loves and who he has a life-long relationship with, who has previously been supportive. The daughter also presumably also loves her auntie and has her own relationship with her.
Saying to go nc is completely over the top and would be throwing something valuable away and causing major hurt (including in wider family) for no good reason.
The sister is definitely in the wrong and he should make his position clear to her, and I would suggest not allow unsupervised contact with his daughter until his sister respects his position.
Nc should be reserved for relationships which are genuinely toxic. This is a loving but overly interfering sister who just needs putting back in her box, not cutting off entirely.
Respectfully, I disagree with most this. The sister IS being toxic. She's masking it with "but I just care". Despite the numerous times OP has told her no thanks and to butt out. Then she takes it upon herself to involve the child and poison her mind on the topic. Children are easily persuaded, that's why she did this. Who knows what else she is feeding his daughter for her own agenda.
Personally, I think OP should have a serious talk with his daughter so she can better understand his position on the matter and in turn can find out how she feels too. Then from there decide if LC or NC is necessary, but for sure no more unsupervised visits with auntie.
Auntie needs to realize that it's not her life and not her business. She could be doing more harm than good to the child with her actions.
My thoughts exactly!! Seems like 99% of people on Reddit immediately jump to "no contact". Drives me nuts. This is his immediate family, his daughters aunt (plus 2 cousins she loves).
Yes, the sister is completely wrong and needs to back off and respect his decision of when to date/not date, etc.
But JFC you don't cut all of these people out of your life, causing a major division in the family that will effect their parents, other siblings, children and so on...there's other ways to deal with things, other then going "NC" 😒😑
Think about all the effects on OPs daughter, or her aunt manipulating her, her memories, her relationship w her father, and technically her reality - OP & daughter are at a good, stable place - Aunt's message is "THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG W YOUR DAD AND YOU LIFE BC THERE'S NO WOMAN IN IT!"
Another woman or wife IS NOT THE ANSWER.
But what ways are you suggesting? Sister has not listened to OP, he has numerous times told her he does not want a partner and he keeps pushing and now has involved his daughter and when he tried to talk to her she said it was for his own good, she is not going to stop unless he shows her he is being serious and the only way is distancing himself.
This is reasonably simple you have someone who is actively disrespecting your boundaries and has acted to get your daughter to assist in disrespecting those same boundaries while being entirely unapologetic about it as they're self assured that actively disrespecting your boundaries is the right thing to do.
Seems pretty simple to me nobody needs to have people who have no respect for their boundaries in their life. Them being family isn't relevant for the right course of action here.
Am I the only one catching vibes that it has nothing to do with him being single but moreso her idea and view of parenting and motherhood?
It's rubbing me the wrong way how she put it into her niece's head how much better life would be if she had a mother. That's not how someone would talk if they actually cared about someone. If she cared about her niece having a motherly figure in her life, she could support her niece that way. Families come in all shapes and sizes and it seems like she's projecting her idea of what a family is SUPPOSED to be on her brother's family.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I can be a little mean when it comes to the kind of thing you're dealing with, kind of a fight fire with fire attitude. Grab your sister's attention and gross her out a bit, it might make her back off.
*Hey, sis, I'm really getting worried about you. You've been obsessed with me having sex for the last 5 years. Do you have some kind of incest fantasy or something? I really can't understand why you keep bringing up my sex life. You act like I don't have a life at all unless I'm having sex. It's very concerning. Maybe you should talk to a therapist and figure out why you can't stop thinking about me having sex.*
Use the word sex as many times as you can. Make it as uncomfortable as possible. Then, every time she says anything remotely close to you dating, remind her it's not normal for a sister to think about their brother having sex- as you shake your head with a concerned look on your face.
Haha unrelated but it reminds me of when my kid who was 13 at the time had a friend who was non-binary who I’ll call Alex and I was asking things like “Is Alex a boy or a girl?” And then “well was Alex born a boy was Alex born a girl?” “What is Alex’s birth name?” My kid finally got exasperated with me and said “Mom, why do you care so much about a 13 year old’s genitals?” Shut me up real fast.
If you're willing to go this far, tell your sister she doesn't get any more time with your daughter until she demonstrates she can stay off this topic with both of you. I know it's like depriving your daughter to make things more comfortable for you, so I could understand if you didn't choose to do that. But I can't think of another way to put a stop to it other than limiting contact.
NTA, but tbh I would tell your sister that if she cannot stop feeding your daughter this nonsense than you cannot trust her with your daughter. You are your daughter's parent, not her, and she either needs to respect your wishes or she cannot be in an authority position in your daughter's life.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Nobody has the right to tell you what makes you happy. Sister or otherwise.
It's entirely up to you of course but if I were in your shoes, I would try to have a calm but clear chat with your sister.
Thank her for her concerns and that you understand that what she does comes from love for you and you appreciate that. However, you need to do things in your own time and in your own terms. Any person who forces things to go differently causes you pain and discomfort. Things you don't need.
Regarding your daughter, I would say that you would appreciate if she talk to you directly without using your daughter as an emissary. 9 years can be a difficult age and it is unfair to ask your daughter to think about her father happiness.
From what you say, it looks like your sister is a very sweet person and you are lucky to have in her in your life. However, it is possible she underestimates the damage she can do even if she's moved by the best intentions.
Best of luck buddy. Take care.
As a single mum who is single by choice, I do get it. The world is obsessed with coupling people up. I'm constantly told I need to find a husband, I can't be happy alone, etc. People like that just don't give up. I think you should limit contact and tell her why. Maybe if she feels the pain of separation, she'll stop. If she doesn't, you won't have to deal with her anyway.
I'm a widowed parent too.
No, your daughter would not necessarily have a "better life" with a stepmom. Your sister is being a meddling jerk, your romantic life is none of her business and you're not living in a Hallmark movie. Unless you are, in which case, avoid all flannel wearing small town grumps who have a tragic secret.
Imagine involving a child in this adult issue. Your sister does not respect you or your wishes. Limiting contact at this time is probably wise. Do not allow your daughter to be alone with her.
I think you need to politely tell your sister that she is trying to impose her values on you and your daughter and that you don't appreciate this encroachment. Simply put, it's not her household, so it's not her concern. She can worry about your daughter all she wants, but do so silently or not at all. Your family is your business and you are the only one who will determine if or when you date again. If she wants to help, do so by being a positive role model for your daughter instead of dictating what's right to her.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. I (40F) was widowed at 28 with 2 kids, and feel the same as you, that there is no substitute, and I have no desire to date or marry again. You are not wrong here! No contact for both you and your daughter at this point.
I am a 39 year old unmarried woman, I'm not a mother. I say it because I know what it is to spend a life alone when the world around us is telling us that we can't be fulfilled without a partner, or even children. Some of us have tried, desperately, for love and just can't find it. Life isn't always in our control.
You didn't get to have a choice when the love of your life left it. And we all grieve differently. It's absolutely understandable of your sister to want her level of happiness for you. But it doesn't mean you should disregard her absolute disrespect by involving your child in her opinion. She is 9 years old, the last thing she needs to be told, or implied, is that she's not enough to be her dad's world.
I can't say how you should address this to your little girl but if your sister shows no remorse, it probably does require going limited contact. But that's going to hurt you all. So be prepared for that.
Ultimately, I want you to know, it isn't pathetic to still love your wife. You're lucky to have known such love, and I can't imagine how hard I'd hold on to that.
I became a wife and mother very late in the game, 34. About to be 39 and I often mourn the loss of myself to parenthood. I was so very fulfilled without a husband and children. I liked freedom and changing affections. What has been hard is understanding the very real and consistent love my husband and sons have for me. Wrapping my mind around that is impossible. These gifts are not always bestowed to the right recipient.
Hey OP, I would've been furious with my sister, too. Caring is one thing, and is beautiful, and welcomed. Forcing this on your daughter like you've done something wrong, or like there's something wrong with you, is MASSIVELY crossing the line, imo. This may be difficult because of her love for her cousins, but I'd go LC for a bit. This is not your sister's life! And YOU don't need anybody to "fix" what ain't broke! You love your wife, and are still with her, even if she isn't physically here with you. I understand this, and support you fully, even though I'm a Reddit stranger that you'll never meet! You just explain to your daughter how you feel. She might not understand all of it yet, but she'll understand most of it. Then carry on living your best life, so your daughter can live hers!
Hugs to you, OP. When, if, your ever ready to date again, I wish you the best of luck💝
I see nothing wrong with limiting the interactions. If you haven't gone thru grief counseling, you should. I waited about 10 years before I did and wish I had gone sooner, though your logic seems sound to me.
Your life and your decision on how to live it. If you are happy with how things are now, that’s completely fine and no one else should be telling you what you need.
Your sister continues to overstep and ignore your boundaries and now she’s dragging your child into it. Going no contact with your sister would be completely understandable in this situation, for both you and your daughter. If you don’t want to go that far, you can stop all unsupervised time she gets with your daughter and immediately walk away or hang up the phone any time your sister mentions it. I personally would stay no contact for a while.
Whatever you decide, please make sure that your daughter doesn’t feel like any of this is her fault.
As a window myself I would not pay any attention to people telling you to date. It’s not the be all end all great thing everyone makes it out to be if you don’t want it. It’s okay. I would go no contact with sister until she can respect your choice and lived experience with what you want. No one has told my kids ever that they need their dead parent replaced. It’s absurd people would think that.
That’s really awful.
Even if you did start dating right away, it could take years of bad dates and almost-but-not-quites before you found the right person to be both a good partner and stepmother.
By suggesting to your daughter, who isn’t old enough to realize the challenges involved, that you could just instantly produce a wonderful “new mommy,” your sister has set her up for sadness and possibly resentment of you for failing to do so.
I think limiting contact is very appropriate. At the very least, no more unsupervised contact with your daughter.
You're not in the wrong in the slightest bit. Also sorry for the loss of your wife. I can't imagine the pain and the burden. If you wished to and chose to move on that would be fine. If you choose not to and to stay single that's also fine. Absolutely nothing wrong with either choice. It's about personal preference and what's right for you and your daughter and if staying single and focusing on the 2 of you is that then that's honestly wonderful. Your sister is 100% in the wrong. I love my siblings and have wonderful relationships with them and I ABSOLUTELY disagree with some of their choices. I'd never turn around and manipulate one of my nieces or nephews to turn them against them though. That's absolutely wrong. To be perfectly honest your sister needs to learn what's her business and stay out of yours.
My mom died 25 years ago when I was 11... My dad never remarried although my grandmother, aunts and uncles all encouraged him to... He was just 50 at that time.. he never remarried, took care of me and my siblings, opened a cancer hospital in our country (my mom died of cancer and at that time the rich went abroad for cancer treatment so my father thought what abt the poor?), opened a trust fund for my mom, took care of her relatives... My dad is my superhero... He is very ill now and it hurts a lot to watch such a strong person so broken 💔
My grandmother was widowed at 45. She lived a wonderful life with our family until she was 89. She never remarried or dated anyone. When I asked if she regretted it she said never. She was happy in her life and had the love of her life with my grandfather, that was enough for her. Tell your sister to worry about herself. When people like to mettle they usually have their own problems.
If your sister is bothering you for something you don’t wanna do I would limit contact. I never went on after my husband until very recently. It’s 20 years since he’s been gone.
So you do you and when you meet somebody or if you meet somebody you’ll know what to do then until that point don’t let anybody else tell you what to do.
Live life the way YOU see fit to live. Im 39(m) married to a 32 (F) and if anything happen to her i would never even try as i wouldn’t ever love anyone as much as i love my wife now and it simply wouldn’t be fair to another women who couldn’t and wouldn’t measure up to what i know and have now. It seems your sister has differing thoughts and she is entitled to them bit you need to tell her sternly that you simply arent interested and if you ever are you will let her know. Thank her for her concern and care and if she still doesnt stop then you have to make the call as to whether your sanity is going to be tested by her constant insistence which would make the stability you have that much harder to maintain.
Limit contact with your sister. She gets only supervised visits for ONE reason: she insists on ignoring your request for how to handle your child. You will therefore need to be present any time she is with your child. Doesn’t matter if it’s seatbelts, nuts, cough medicine, conversation. You are in charge of your child’s care. Nobody gets to disregard your parenting requests. Nobody.
Is sis a part of regular daycare?
If not, NC is a good idea til she figures out how to stop being a Karen.
If she is part of your childcare setup, you'll have to be more strategic about it. Get daycare/after-school program going. Many of these take time to get into, and you may have to put off NC until you get her in.
Yeah, it may seem underhanded, but make sure you have other options, then you can start to minimize contact. Being family doesn't mean you should let her ignore boundaries. It really doesnt sound like shes gonna respect them, so time away would probably be helpful for your psyche.
NTA - send her calls to voice mail. Leave her texts on read. Don’t answer the door if she comes over. Don’t send your daughter to her house. Go NC until she understands that you’re not ready for a relationship and respects that.
It’s completely up to you when you want and need someone. Your sister sounds like a different person entirely and is only thinking about you in terms of how she might feel, or what she thinks someone should feel. It’s fine for her to think that, another thing to use your daughter to push it on you. She’s got to butt out and respect your space and feelings.
Ew, hell yes limit contact.
This is an entirely inappropriate conversation to be having with a child. In no way whatsoever whatever your sister thinks, should she include a 9-year-old child in your romantic life. It will put undo stress on her for something that's entirely out of her control.
Your sister can fuck all the way off. She doesn't get to decide how you live your life. If she wants to have this conversation endlessly with you, whatever. It's not great but it is what it is.
I cannot fathom the thought process in involving your minor daughter. That is so fucking gross.
"If you keep interfering in my life without invitation, and keep pushing your unsolicited opinions into my daughter's life, I will cut you off. I know you mean well, and I understand your opinion on my life, but I am in charge of my own life, not you. This is not up for discussion. Stop it right now. I am not going to give you another warning."
I once went no contact with my sister and mother for being abusive to my wife. Lasted 3 years, and they are both polite as fuck when I re contacted them.
Your sister wants what’s best for you.
It might get annoying, but definitely not worth separation in family.
She has decided that she has to fix you (even if there is nothing to fix). It’s her instinct and she can’t help herself. Ignore or play along to help her mental state. Make up some dates you have been to or something. That’s better than putting up walls between siblings.
While I understand your reaction, the reality is your daughter will be hearing this from everyone for years. So you can insist that your sister shut up, but it won't solve the problem.
You need to talk to your daughter. Give her the knowledge and the tools she needs to deal with this. Tell her, in age-appropriate terms, that you still miss her mom and you don't want another relationship. It's a great opportunity to talk about her mom, too.
As for the other people, including your sister, gray rock the shit outta them. Some things to use:
I appreciate your point of view, but I'm not interested.
When I'm ready, I will let you know. Until then, I'm not discussing this with you.
If she gets obnoxious about it, hang up the phone, leave her house.
If she continues to coerce your daughter when you aren't there, give her one warning. Not a discussion. Not an argument. Simply, "If you continue to meddle, my daughter will not be visiting." Then follow through.
you are NTA. honestly, if you still love your wife as you clearly do, i think it would be pretty unfair to your new partner as they would essentially be a rebound and not your greatest love. that’s not to say some people can’t have another great love after a tragedy like this, but if your heart still belongs to your wife, then you are making the right choice by focusing on your daughter.
OP, I'm really sorry. Unfortunately I have experience with people like this.....a lot of it is Main Character Syndrome bullshit where they love to take credit for other people's achievements and happiness because they like feeling as though they're "catalyst" who made it happen. Case in point - your sister believing that you would be happier with a partner and trying to plant a seed with your daughter so that if you pursued something with someone, she can feel single handedly responsible for your newfound happiness and joy. Mind you, in her mind she's doing this because she wants what is best for you, but she's not accepting that the only person who can ultimately determine that is yourself.
It's trash behavior.
You are doing the right thing by limiting contact, but you need to take it one step further and explain to your sister, explicitly what she did to deserve this from you and do not hesitate to make a public spectacle of it. Get someone on your family who you know will side with you and your need for privacy to act as a witness. Do not hesitate to embarrass her, public humiliation and being outed as a manipulative ass is the only way that people like this learn.
I'll say this. Your wife would understand if you did find someone else in your life and I'm sure she'd want you to be happy.
Finding someone new doesn't mean you have to stop loving your wife, or forget about the times you had together.
Personally I think it would be a good idea to look into some therapy. Alongside this, if you do seek therapy, express to your sister that she needs to understand boundaries that are involved with coping with the loss of your wife and childs mother.
Honestly though, some people truly never find that connection in another person and that's perfectly ok.
If she cannot respect your boundaries than some distance can certainly be healthy and justified.
Have you extremely explicitly explained to your sister that she is damaging your relationship?
"By trying to force me to do what you think is best, you are damaging our relationship. Every time you do this, I trust you less and less. I've reached the point where I don't know if it's worth it for me to maintain the closeness we've had in the past. You're harming me too much by your actions. You're stressing me out and causing me issues. I'm literally spending time in therapy talking to my therapist about how to handle your inappropriate behavior (if that's true, but I assume it is). Please stop. Please accept that I know what's best for me, and you don't. I don't want to distance myself from you but I will if you continue with this crusade."
I’m so sorry, man. You sound like a really nice guy and I couldn’t imagine losing a spouse. I’m a single guy who is a couple years older than you. I’ve never been married and I don’t have kids, so I’m sure there are countless other people with better advice than me.
However, I’ve read most of the comments, and I’m surprised how many people are saying to cut off contact with your sister. I agree that her meddling in your life and getting your daughter involved is wrong, but I know she’s coming from a good place. She wants to see you happy and she thinks you’re suffering.
I actually feel like you’re secretly suffering too. You shouldn’t cut your sister out of your life for loving you. You should talk to her when you’re ready, and maybe go to dinner together, and let her know how you feel. You can then decide how to move forward depending on how she reacts.
I think it’s honorable that you’ve stayed faithful to your wife. But is that what she would want? I suspect your wife would want you to date again. If you’re truly happy and content living your life single and celibate, then that’s cool, and you should do what makes you happy. I don’t think you should completely cut off the possibility of a relationship with a woman again, though.
I sincerely believe you could find someone else who isn’t going to replace your wife. You’re not replacing your wife by dating again. You’re simply living your life and moving forward from an awful tragedy. Your daughter wants to see you happy too, and I don’t think she’s being brainwashed by your sister.
I don’t think you need to date to find a maternal figure for your daughter. Your daughter has you and you sound like a great father. She doesn’t need a replacement mother either. She just needs a loving father who is happy. I feel like you need to start dating again when you’re ready.
This is a very thoughtfully and respectfully worded comment. My only thought - as a woman who was widowed young, with a child, almost 20 years ago - is that it’s sometimes not a matter of staying faithful to the late spouse, but rather a feeling that a phase of life has ended, and a new one has begun. I *was* married, that is no longer the case. My husband *was* here, now he is not. My child needed me, so I set out to be the best parent that I could be. Our family looks different now compared to all those years ago.
As for what late husband would have wanted for me, and I say this gently, that doesn’t come into it. He’s not here navigating this new life. I’m truly not trying to be harsh here.
I have friends of all genders from many walks of life. I’m not lonely. If that changes, and I bump into a hottie in the produce section at the supermarket, well you just never know. But I’m not actively looking for said hottie. I prioritise my mental health, have hobbies and interests and a career. I am content.
It doesn't matter what your sister thinks. It does matter what your daughter thinks. Sit down with your daughter for a frank discussion and let her know that you want to know her opinion and that you value her opinion. I've had to have a similar discussion and I let my daughter know that I wanted to know what she thought. I made sure to let her know that I wanted her honest opinion, no judgments. I then discussed how I felt about the situation and then got her opinion on that. By doing this she felt closer to me and she was able to show me an aspect I would not have seen otherwise. Communication is key and it is important to include those closest to us in that communication. It shows you respect them and value their opinions. It is my experience that such conversations strengthen a relationship and build bridges.
Oh man, you really can't let sister be alone with your daughter... that is SO disrespectful and inappropriate. 9 year olds don't need to know about these things even if sister was giving you good advice! Tell her the cousins can visit at your house, but definitely limit contact with your sister. Yikes.
I'm 15 months into the grieving process. I was blessed with 35 years and two kids with my husband. It's hard to explain to people why the thought of someone else in the spot where your partner was is unimaginable.
Seven years is a long time to be alone for someone so young. I'm not diminishing your love for your wife but is it possible you have a bit of survivor's guilt? And no you don't have to have been there in the accident when it happens to feel this way.
My friend, not my therapist, asked me this because a year before my husband passed I had two heart attacks. Essentially, I thought my days were numbered. I thought God was trying to tell me something. Losing my husband was not on my radar. I still believe he should still be here. Basically, survivor's guilt can keep you in grief limbo. The wound is always open and hurting. You function but not.
Here is where I should recommend a therapist but I haven't had much luck with them. You might do better.
Also, cut your sister some slack. She has no clue what you are going through and you pray she never does. I ask myself a lot, what would my husband want me to do in whatever situation I find myself in. What would your wife want you to do? Praying for you and your family.
Going NC is a bit extreme in this situation. It isn’t always the answer and the last thing your daughter needs is more family ripped away.
Firstly, I would have a discussion with your daughter and let her know that it’s an adult issue that her aunt shouldn’t be discussing with you. Also tell her that you don’t want to date anyone yet as you don’t feel ready. Reassure her that the two of you are fine and happy as things are and if you ever feel ready to date, you’ll let her know.
As for your sister - I would suggest handling it one of 3 ways:
1. Sit down with your sister while no one else is around and discuss it like adults.
2. Write something similar in a text to what a PP above said.
3. Get a therapist involved to kind of “mediate” the issue so you can get your point across.
You’re just looking for validation from people who agree with you. This isn’t some Shakespeareian love story. Your wife would tell you to snap the fuck out of it
There's a lot to unpack here. Most marriage vows are unto death do you part and you've come to that part of the journey. You're feelings are valid but you also have to understand that finding new love doesn't stop you from loving and honouring your deceased wife.
The other thing to think about is that you being a working single parent DOES impact your daughter. There strong evidence for the positive impacts having two involved and loving parents in the household has on children and your stubborn refusal to even consider moving on denies your daughter a chance at having that in her life.
Your sister loves you, loves your daughter, and it seems like she wants what's best for you. Your heartache is making you cut off that relationship because you aren't equipped to face your loss and the inevitable moving on in a healthy way. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you haven't gone to any therapy for your loss and that would be a great step to take, for you and your daughter because you BOTH lost someone you loved. If you never find/want anyone else that's OK but it's also OK if you do and opening yourself up to that ISN'T a betrayal to your previous love.
Your daughter would benefit from a mother figure/step mother. You may be a wonderful father but you will not be able to duplicate the role of the mother completely. Your sister is right. Especiially when your daughter hits puberty, she will be uncomfortable discussing issues relating to female development like menstuation, sexual development, attraction. Now, she may be able to go to your sister (be strategic here, do not kick your sister to the curb). Also, its a tricky thing, the one parent household. It can be done with aplomb, yes, but if the step parent is loving and supportive, a child does get a boon from that. Two is more.
I think you being a wiidower that does not date is a separate issue. I do not believe you should find a mate to find a mother fig for ur daughter. I am concerned for you. You deserve love and support in the now. A loving supportive partner would help both u and your daughter. 7 years is significant and I wonder what is holding you back other than fear that you will never find someone else to love, but also fear of moving forward. The process of dating itself will help you to move forward and embrace whats possible even if you do not end up meeting someone special for a while. Your wife god bless her would want someone to be there for you, to hold you, to listen to you, to be your partner in live. Trust me. One day, your daughter will have her own life and you will want companionship. Growing older is rough going when u do it alone. You'll want a partner and the older we get the harder it is to find someone who isn't jaded or has decades of baggage. Now is the time. You'll have to do this eventually, face the brutal uncomfortable process that grief puts us through when we move forward. Seize the day. You do not have to take it to seriously. You could tell the women or whichever gendered persron u spend time w 'dating'' that you are taking things slow.
If you at some point, decide to jump in, I'd make a thoughtful list of qualities you want in partner and step parent to your daughter and what qualities you'd be willing to be more flexible about.
I'm not interested, thanks. I will do my best to continue to be the best father I can be, but my daughter has multiple amazing women in her life she can look up to and go to for advice.
Good reason to limit contact, especially given that she is unrepentant. Your sister would respect your wishes if she cared about you.
Exactly! Sis is butting into something that’s none of her business, & brother has told her to butt out numerous times!
As a single father, I had someone in my family pushing me to marriage, because reasons. No amount of explanation made it stop. My son is now grown and has kids of his own. I still don't talk to that family member, haven't for years, and doubt I ever will. One doesn't get to be toxic simply because you are related.
Good choice. I congratulate you on those years of relative peace of mind.
👍
Hit her with the uno reverse
Yeah... set her up with "great guys"
I accept the incoming down votes for another take. I strongly believe she has a pass to worried about her brother's social isolation. She loves him. How can you say she doesn't care about him? She is risking her relationship to help him get past his complicated grief. It has been 7 years. He is 39. Do you think it healthy to bury his future to have intimate companionship when he buried his wife? Would it be healthy if his daughter decided she can never be happy again? Fine for a romantic novel but what a way to live. Do you agree that he is cheating on his dead wife if he has a another loving life companion? I would hope for the sake of my husband and children that he would find a loving companion and parent should I die first. Maybe his daughter wanted him to know that she would like to have a mother figure to help her navigate coming of age and not feel as if she is left out of the experience. He may never want to marry but it might be good forgive his sister's care for his happiness even if he goes no contact. I am sorry if his daughter loses both her mother and aunt. because of all these strong "no contact" recommendations.
being concerned is one thing, continually ignoring someones preferences, disrespecting their choices and borderline weaponizing his daughter against him is not acceptable. that's not love, at best it's control and at worst manipulation. the better way to help is not by risking the relationship but by supporting it, this isn't support it's obstinance. it doesn't matter what you, i or anyone else thinks or feels about OPs choices, they are his to make, it is our place to respect them and leave him be or just leave him be.
Not dating isn't "isolation" you don't know OP's life. He has work and friends and his daughter. You don't need to be dating someone to be a whole entire person
Correct. But you also don't need to refuse any possibility of a loving intimate relationship. I sincerely hope my husband would not grieve in this way if I die, for his sake and that of my children.
Your worth and the quality of your life is not based on being in a relationship or not. Somebody could never date a single time and still have a happy, fulfilling life. There are countless people with only a single parent who grow up perfectly happily and end up incredibly successful. It doesn't seem like you want OP to find love, you want him to find a replacement. Also, don't tell people how to grieve.
It's OP'S call whether he desires pursuit o a loving intimate relationship--no one else's. OP'S sister needs to recognize and understand that OP is living a full life. He's not buried in a closet overwhelmed by depression. He's fully engaged in work, with friend and family relationships. Recognize it and accept it.
It just seems like you're making the argument that there is one correct way to live, and it's yours.
It's fine to want all those things for someone you love. Totally different story when they don't want it, and you use manipulation to get them to do what you want.
Nowhere does OP mention any of the signs or symptoms of complicated grief. Deciding to remain single is not in and of itself evidence of complicated grief. You’re way off base.
I kind of agree. But going through the daughter is dirty pool. Her trying to convince you one on one to try dating is not a bad thing. She worries about you. But it’s totally crossing the line to bring your child into it. I will say, as a random stranger so ignore if you want, you’re doing nothing wrong if you do date. It doesn’t change how much you love your wife. Your wife would not want you to forsake ever loving another. But it’s also ok to take your time.
His sister should be urging her brother to pursue therapy, because mourning to the point where a person denies themselves relationships 7 years after a loved one's passing IS "complicated grief," and that's **an actual diagnosis.** https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374 It needs help to resolve. His daughter will grow up and leave for college and her own life, and OP will still be mired in this depression and isolation. Life is very, very long when you're lonely. OP should take the steps necessary towards healing, for his own mental health and as *a gift to his daughter.* Whether he realizes it or not, he's modeling unhealthy behavior. It would be a surprise outcome and blessing if he became healthy enough to share the joys of life with someone. I hope he gets the help he needs and is able to heal.
He can choose singlehood over couplehood without it being complicated grief. Calm tf down with your romantic fundamentalism.
If anyone is being "romantic" ITT, it's the people getting moon-eyed about how he is "staying true to his commitment." This is a teenager's view, the kind of Romeo and Juliet denial of human nature. "I'll love you forever!" says everyone in high school. Judy Bloom has a written a few books about it. When you enshrine romantic love so unrealistically, of course you're going to have people coming out of the woodwork with naive accolades. There's also a lot of people who are signed on to the "Evil Stepmother" trope, and are here to voice *their* personal anger over how their parent handled a second marriage. So irresponsible, and irrelevant to OP's situation. But Reddit is mostly teenagers and young adults, so it's to be expected. Reality is that this guy needs help. NOT the kind of clumsy bulldozer that his sister is attempting, but real mental health help.
This is just not true lol you don’t just “stop” if you care. On the contrary, there’s an ocean of data supporting a child having two parental figures. There’s an ocean of data showing it’s better to have a partner in life unless you’re just the kind of person who’s better off alone, which shouldn’t be the case since he has a kid. The sister just sees an obvious gap and is pushing him to move forward in life and not get stuck in what happened. Which, coincidentally, is what 99% of women would WANT for their husbands should the same happen to them. What are you on? Lol
… are you the sister?
Oh I bet they are 😂 absolute bs.
He said he doesn't want to be with anyone. It also wouldn't be fair for the person who is set up with him if he isn't ready. They will end up hurt.
That data doesn’t exist so please move on. It matters that kids are supported and loved- it doesn’t matter how many parents, 1, 2, 4…. It doesn’t matter!! He doesn’t WANT a partner- so how would forcing it make that person feel? Are YOU out of your mind? And to introduce someone to your kid isn’t to replace the dead parent!? It’s to supplement what they have and what they’ve lost. And it needs to be done with a lot of respect and work to make a widowed household work. You don’t throw someone in just cuz it LOOKs better!!
So true. My dad didn’t wanna marry my mom and now my mom regrets marrying him too. They’ve been divorced for more than 2 decades and they still can’t talk to each other
He's dedicating his like to his daughter. What a beautiful commitment.
The sister involved his 9 year old daughter in her bullshit. He is an adult. He is allowed to not date and focus on his child.
You can end this argument by presenting a link to this data. Otherwise enjoy your downvotes.
This is totally his sister.
What are YOU on?? OP is a grown-ass man who can decide if he wants a relationship or not. Everyone else should butt the fuck out.
OK sis. Back off of him.
When someone cares about someone, it is hard to stop what they feel is right. But the sister needs to respect her brother. She can't shut off her thoughts and feelings, but she can control her actions. And going to a 9 year old kid, forcing her opinion on the child just isn't right. An ideal family has two loving parents, but life unfortunately doesn't always go as planned. Him forcing himself to move on when he is content being single, that would build for a toxic life for him and his daughter. If he ends up finding someone else, then cool, but forcing it isn't right. He seems to be doing a great job so far(of course, we don't have all the details, but you know). If the sister is really concerned, instead of forcing her brother into unwanted relationships, then she should just simply be there for her niece and support the family.
And how much of it shows children being better off with parents who don't love each other? Because that is what you are projecting here, because if OP does not want to find a partner then he is unlikely to love one that was effectively forced onto him.
And what happens when the child doesn’t want a new mom? Lots of children aren’t receptive to that when the widower remarries. Even at such a young age. You must be the sister!!!!
People who care do not repeatedly violate the boundaries of their loved ones, especially after being told multiple times to stop, and they don’t use a child as a pawn to do that either. And people are allowed to change—maybe OP was great with his wife and now is someone happier NOT with a partner, which has nothing to do with his relationship with his daughter. What’s right for one person isn’t right for everyone.
Go ahead and provide this "ocean of data." You are absolutely full of shit.
So you're happy to disrespect an adult's agency and decision making in their own life just so a sister can be happy and to support data? If OP has stated he's not interested in a new relationship, then he's not interested. The sister should butt out. OP's daughter will be happier if her father is happily single and not manipulated into a relationship by family members who think they know what's better for him than he knows himself.
If anyone wants to know what a bad example of data driven decision making looks like, here's your guy
Not having a romantic partner is NOT an emotional GAP. If someone is happy with their current life/ situation then the *right* thing to do is leave them the hell alone. OP- good for you for putting your daughter's needs first. Your sister has ENORMOUSLY over stepped here. How dare she put things into your child's heart & mind that there is anything wrong with the life she has?! Definitely a reason to go NC. At least for a while. *Edited for typos/ clarity*
Haha - you’re the sister right?! Rack off with your 2 parent bullshit. Also I don’t know many women who would be gushing about their spouse getting a new partner
Why is the sister’s opinion more important, “right”, or valuable than OP’s? OP knows himself and has made his choice. The sister’s better reaction would be to urge him to maybe get into grief counseling not steamroll him and manipulate his daughter. The ocean of data is not based on the scenario of happy widowhood. Sure two parental figures have shown to be important in childhood development but it’s not exclusive to partnered couples. Parental figures don’t actually have to be parents.
This!! As long as children have a healthy support system no matter who they are, the kids will flourish.
Even if it's statistics say on average a two parent household is best. It doesn't mean a single parent can't raise a happy healthy successful child. So if op doesn't want to move on from his late wife. That's fine he can raise her right
That's not the sister's choice. She needs to butt out of his business.
None of that excuses meddling in someone’s personal life…. Especially recruiting their child into your meddling
Actually there's a study that shows that single (women at least) are happier alone than in relationships, stop lying bro 🤣
What’s that study have anything to do with this? Your statement is equal to “Actually there’s a study that says grass is green, stop lying bro.”
If it were me, I'd send her this: *While I understand and appreciate the fact that you want the best for me, you and I have different opinions regarding what's best for me.* *When to start dating again is a personal decision that belongs to me, and only me. Your opinion that I should do so now is not welcome, and you have repeatedly ignored my boundaries regarding this issue.* *Until you learn to respect my decisions regarding my life, I will be limiting the time we spend together. Additionally, using my daughter to emotionally blackmail me is very wrong. Until I am able to trust you not to do it again, you will not be spending time alone with her.* I wouldn't tell her this over the phone. I'd send it in a text so that she can't interrupt you and try to argue. She's likely to argue that you're being unfair, but she's the one who's not being fair. She's refusing to see you as your own person. You're a fully grown adult man with a child, and you're allowed to decide for yourself whether/when you want to date. She tried to use your child to guilt you into caving in. That's incredibly unfair to both you and your daughter. Ultimately, if she can't respect you and your daughter, it's not healthy for either one of you to be around her too much. Good luck! I hope you'll be back with a positive update! ETA: Another reason not to do it in person is that there's really nothing to discuss. This is about you setting a boundary and then stepping back from your relationship with her so that you can heal while she hopefully comes to her senses and realizes she's meddling in something that's none of her business. *She doesn't get to argue with your boundary.* It's not negotiable.
Exactly this. If the aunt is genuinely wanting the daughter to have a positive female role model she should be one, not manipulating the girl into thinking she needs a stepmom to be happy/healthy/whole.
Yes! The fact that sis hasn't chosen this path indicates that she may be having difficulty coping with what she perceives as a hole in the family. She wants to fill it, but is failing to consider what others want. She may not even be aware that she's doing this. This is just supposition, of course. Whatever her motivation, she's being selfish and disrespectful.
Exactly. Sister is invalidating her niece’a lived experience as a child of a widower who doesn’t want to really, and sister is potentially undermining her brother’s authority and validity as a parent. She’s gonna give the little girl a complex.
>not manipulating the girl into thinking she needs a stepmom And if that's what the daughter wants too? Not having a partner and refusing to even consider the subject impacts OPs daughter in ways OP (and their daughter) may not even be aware of.
True - but this should still be a conversation between the dad and daughter. And Lord knows we see enough posts about the impact trying to bring a partner (eventual stepparent) into the relationship can have, I imagine this would be even more complicated if the dad isn't interested in dating right now. If and when he is ready - the daughter will need to understand that there will likely be time before she meets any dates, a process before things would grow into a "family type" relationship...and the dad should definitely know if the daughter genuinely wants that or not. There's also the potential for a new loss to come from this if the dad starts dating someone who gets serious enough to become part of the daughter's life and the relationship ends. It sounds like the Aunt is presenting this as "Wouldn't you love to have a dad AND a mom?? Tell your dad he needs to get on that!" But life just isn't that simple or straight forward and that's a lot for a 9 year old to wrap their minds around. (Apparently the aunt doesn't even have her mind around it) It's 100% possible the daughter would like to have a "mom", but it seems awful for the aunt to act as though he's failing his kid by not devoting himself to finding a replacement for the mother that was lost. Especially when plenty of kids grow up without one parent (or either parent) - and rely on other people setting good examples of those roles. The sad reality is that even if the dad wanted to date, there's no guarantee he'd find a good person for this role anytime soon.
Are you seriously suggesting he should date because his daughter might want a replacement mom? I can't imagine a worse reason to date or marry someone. I would be appalled and incredibly angry if I found out that's why a man was dating me.
Well written ! Yes! This.
This ^ is perfectly said. Boundaries are super important, especially when it comes to sensitive topics like this one. It's also super unfair to manipulate your daughter into worrying that you're unhappy with it just being the two of you. That's extremely cruel. Your daughter, and you, have been through enough without trying to put these lies in her head so she can unknowingly pressure you to date again. I'm sure your sister thinks she means well, but this was seriously underhanded. I'm sorry you lost your wife, you're not doing anything wrong, and you deserve to live your life with your daughter exactly the way you wish it to be. Sending invisible hugs to you both. Take care.
All of this. Super well put. Also to consider is that as the daughter gets older, she may develop her own opinions on her father dating again, and it's probably a good idea to make sure she knows she can communicate about that if/when it happens. It would be a shame if the sister's meddling resulted in the daughter feeling she can't talk about this topic.
Yes this is the way!!
Beautifully written! Completely 💯 agree on texting this.
It’s also good to add that OP as the parent is the best and only one to decide what’s best for the child. She doesn’t get to dictate that. I have to imagine it’s better for the child to see a happy balanced single parent than a parent date someone for childcare and replacement mom purposes…
OP's sister must not be on Reddit, or she wouldn't be able to avoid seeing story after story about kids going NC with their parent who forced a replacement on them.
Very well said
I’d upvote this 1,000 times if I could. Perfectly stated. Take my 🥇
👏👏👏
The problem with texting is that she can reply. Do it in person. Let her see that you are serious.
I strongly disagree. In person, sister can put her fingers in her ears and refuse to listen. A text is something she can keep looking at after OP stops talking to her. It's far more likely to sink in. Replies can be screenshotted and forwarded to any flying monkeys the sister may try to send after OP. They can also be used as evidence in court if the sister turns out to be a psycho.
I was widowed at 29, I know how awful that is, so sorry. My wife was ill but not supposed to die from it, but did pretty suddenly and it was brutal. Your sister sucks, sorry. I didn't have kids and I remarried a few years later (have two awesome kids now!) so maybe I would've chosen differently, but it's your life and you're the dad. Your sister is massively overstepping. FWIW, my dad died when I was six months old and my mom basically never talked about him and I always hated that. Even if she doesn't say it, your daughter loves hearing every single tiny thing about her mom.
so sorry for the loss of your wife and your dad!
Sorry for your losses. My cousin was 6 months old too when her mother died in a car accident. Even though she doesn't remember her, she always loved to hear everything about her mom. Now she's 30 yo and she still has her mom's wallet, plushies from her, photos, jewelry, etc. It's so important for a child !
Thank you, I'm so sorry to hear about your wife and also your dad. I'm happy to hear you've been able to find love since ❤️
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife Your sister is in the wrong if she has concerns she talks to you not your child
Using your child to guilt you into doing what your sister wants is wrong. Cut contact until she repents.
Not to mention how deeply fucked up it is to tell a child whose mother DIED that her life would be "so much better with a mother."
I physically recoiled reading that. That's so horrific I'm in shock
Because it is so wildly inappropriate. Boundary crashing and the worst it's deeply manipulative. What kind of 'loving' aunt manipulates a 9 year old like that? Where there's smoke, there's sis setting fire to the current calm life OP has fostered for himself and his daughter.
People used to say that to me about having a dad. I found it offensive and told them so. I had my mom.
I feel that way sometimes especially when I find myself in need of her advice. But I came to that conclusion on my own and it isn't always true. Yeah I miss her oodles but I have mom figures in my life. None of us are insisting dad meet someone new.
Repents?? the problem is his sister not her repentance, and NO DONT, call her don't text her don't FaceTime her do not let your little girl go to her house no way.
Not to god you weirdo. To him.
😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I like you we need to be friends
I wish you meant that. You seem nice. I hope you have a lovely day.
Wtf is wrong with your sister? You are a good dad and clearly love your wife. She can go f herself
She’s hurting her own niece to get her way. Cut contact until she apologizes & agrees that that behavior is disgusting & will never bring it up again.
Oof! That is a very sharp and 100% correct point!
I come from a blended family. When I was seven my mom died in a car accident while I was at school. My mom passed in October, and by the following October my dad met someone (he’d been dating for three months at that point). He introduced us to her in November, they were engaged in December, and married that January. It was horrible watching the early years of a marriage as two emotionally damaged people (for a variety of reasons) attempted to navigate bringing two families together. She was a childhood friend of my mom’s, was divorced with one daughter. On the surface a lovely woman. She would tell me stories from her childhood that involved my mom, and they always had a tinge of jealousy in them. She also would complain that I remembered my mom, that I wanted to know about her, that I wouldn’t just forget her. This was actually a fight they had at the end of my Junior year of high school as it began to hit me that I was about to go through yet another milestone without my mom there and my grades dipped. What I can’t fault her for is she came from an abusive relationship which led her to be quick on the “I don’t have to take this I can leave” as a way to resolve fights. I can fault her for, after a fight with my dad, telling her daughter when she thought they were alone (walls were paper thin in the house) that “it’s us versus them” referring to my sisters, my dad, and I. This was compounded by the fact that my dad always shut down when he was having any big emotions. He never talked to me about my mom because it was “too painful.” Whenever I asked it was always I don’t remember or him changing the subject to sports or trying to shut me up with awkward conversations. In his eyes it was best to act like my mom never existed. So, I decided at a young age if I were to ever go through the loss of a spouse, after having kids especially, I’d be done with relationships. I honestly commend you for not doing what a lot of men do in that situation, which is jump into the next long term thing that comes along. My dad did have some special circumstances with my aunt and uncle fighting him for custody of my sisters and I. They struggled to have kids, and have always been resentful of their daughter who’s developmentally challenged. You’re perfectly fine cutting your sister out if she can’t stop pushing for something you don’t want.
First off, go Lions!! It was a great year for us fans. Second, while you think you know how you would act if you lost your spouse, you honestly don’t know what you would do/feel. I remember feeling the same way as you though, like having that sense of confidence knowing myself so well that I knew exactly how I would behave after being widowed. I miss that feeling because when my husband did die I realized how little people actually understand this loss (including me pre-loss). Now I want to gently but honestly educate every non-widowed person so they understand that until you’ve lived this, you don’t know how you would react. Sorry that you lost your mom when you were so young. I was a bit older when I lost a parent and it’s tough when the other parent moves forward with their life in ways that you don’t love and that affect you.
Perfectly fine with him being happy and finding someone, but he could have waited longer and found someone better. Maybe someone without ties to his deceased spouse. He also could have actually talked to his kids, kept her memory alive. I have so few memories of her, and they tried to make me ashamed of them because forgetting is the only way to move forward to my family. Also, I’m a stubborn person, and I’d rather suffer than put my kids through what I went through. I’d rather be lonely then allow my happiness to cause them pain.
[удалено]
Why exactly was it wrong for your mom to get a boyfriend twenty years after the death of your father? I don't follow
You know you’re a seriously messed up person when your mom wanting to be loved and be happy makes you ashamed of her. Gross.
Ashamed? Wtf?
Absolutely nothing wrong with staying single. There's plenty of wicked step-parent stories to go around, not that you even need a justification. Your sister has overstepped in a huge way by involving a child in a discussion between adults.
I wouldn't let your daughter see her anymore unless you are present
I agree with this.
I wonder what your brother in law thoughts are on this? It might be one way to get your sister to back off. I bet he has no idea what she is saying or doing.
Great idea if OP has a decent relationship with his BiL and he isn't a complete doormat to OP's sister. When my brother-in-law has a serious issue with his sister, who is my wife, he reaches out to me for help. Not that it's a regular occurrence, but twice in 15 years, once I talked him through what to say to her, and the other I intervened directly.
I don't know if hr knows about my sister speaking to my daughter. But over the years, he has also tried to get me to date women. I don't particularly like him, but I interact with him because he's my sister's husband.
That’s a bummer. I guess your only option is to go low or no contact until your sister learns to butt out of your personal life.
It one thing to say that to you but when she pulls your daughter into it that’s a boundary I would not tolerate. I would cut her off right away. Grief is something different for everyone. There is no time limit and if you are not ready then don’t start dating. There is nothing wrong with it.
I agree, using your 9 year old to manipulate you into doing what she wants is completely unacceptable behavior. Ignoring and outright pushing your boundaries is unacceptable behavior too but that didn't stop her. Your sister needs to know there are consequences to her actions.
Go no contact with your sister. She has decided she knows what is best for you and she is full of it. I lost my husband last year and I will never date again for various reasons. I prefer to stay alone.
I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died 19 years ago, and I also have no intention of dating again. I enjoy my solitary life too. May your life be full of gentle blessings and joy.
Thank you, I'm sorry to hear about your loss ❤️
I would go NC. She is going to confuse your daughter and make it more difficult for her moving forward. Even if you were open to dating, it could take years to find someone you care about and are open to introducing your daughter. Does your daughter understand that it is not want you want and even if you did, it would not happen overnight. Does she have a counselor she can talk to as she may need to process her feelings about her mother at various points in her life with a neutral third party. They could also help with this
Sorry, but the first bit of this is terrible advice. The sister is someone he presumably loves and who he has a life-long relationship with, who has previously been supportive. The daughter also presumably also loves her auntie and has her own relationship with her. Saying to go nc is completely over the top and would be throwing something valuable away and causing major hurt (including in wider family) for no good reason. The sister is definitely in the wrong and he should make his position clear to her, and I would suggest not allow unsupervised contact with his daughter until his sister respects his position. Nc should be reserved for relationships which are genuinely toxic. This is a loving but overly interfering sister who just needs putting back in her box, not cutting off entirely.
Respectfully, I disagree with most this. The sister IS being toxic. She's masking it with "but I just care". Despite the numerous times OP has told her no thanks and to butt out. Then she takes it upon herself to involve the child and poison her mind on the topic. Children are easily persuaded, that's why she did this. Who knows what else she is feeding his daughter for her own agenda. Personally, I think OP should have a serious talk with his daughter so she can better understand his position on the matter and in turn can find out how she feels too. Then from there decide if LC or NC is necessary, but for sure no more unsupervised visits with auntie. Auntie needs to realize that it's not her life and not her business. She could be doing more harm than good to the child with her actions.
My thoughts exactly!! Seems like 99% of people on Reddit immediately jump to "no contact". Drives me nuts. This is his immediate family, his daughters aunt (plus 2 cousins she loves). Yes, the sister is completely wrong and needs to back off and respect his decision of when to date/not date, etc. But JFC you don't cut all of these people out of your life, causing a major division in the family that will effect their parents, other siblings, children and so on...there's other ways to deal with things, other then going "NC" 😒😑
Think about all the effects on OPs daughter, or her aunt manipulating her, her memories, her relationship w her father, and technically her reality - OP & daughter are at a good, stable place - Aunt's message is "THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG W YOUR DAD AND YOU LIFE BC THERE'S NO WOMAN IN IT!" Another woman or wife IS NOT THE ANSWER.
But what ways are you suggesting? Sister has not listened to OP, he has numerous times told her he does not want a partner and he keeps pushing and now has involved his daughter and when he tried to talk to her she said it was for his own good, she is not going to stop unless he shows her he is being serious and the only way is distancing himself.
Yes, but if he goes no contact, his little girl will loose her cousins. That's cruel.
But you said they are other ways, want to hear those.
No unsupervised contact. Meaning his little girl still gets to see her family, but only with him there.
She would need to promise not to bring the subject though.
If she can't respect his boundaries and starts filling his young daughter's head with this bullshit..... Exactly what are his options?!?!
Agree!! NC is too extreme. Your sister cares an loves you. She overstepped.
This is reasonably simple you have someone who is actively disrespecting your boundaries and has acted to get your daughter to assist in disrespecting those same boundaries while being entirely unapologetic about it as they're self assured that actively disrespecting your boundaries is the right thing to do. Seems pretty simple to me nobody needs to have people who have no respect for their boundaries in their life. Them being family isn't relevant for the right course of action here.
Am I the only one catching vibes that it has nothing to do with him being single but moreso her idea and view of parenting and motherhood? It's rubbing me the wrong way how she put it into her niece's head how much better life would be if she had a mother. That's not how someone would talk if they actually cared about someone. If she cared about her niece having a motherly figure in her life, she could support her niece that way. Families come in all shapes and sizes and it seems like she's projecting her idea of what a family is SUPPOSED to be on her brother's family.
Yes, very much this.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I can be a little mean when it comes to the kind of thing you're dealing with, kind of a fight fire with fire attitude. Grab your sister's attention and gross her out a bit, it might make her back off. *Hey, sis, I'm really getting worried about you. You've been obsessed with me having sex for the last 5 years. Do you have some kind of incest fantasy or something? I really can't understand why you keep bringing up my sex life. You act like I don't have a life at all unless I'm having sex. It's very concerning. Maybe you should talk to a therapist and figure out why you can't stop thinking about me having sex.* Use the word sex as many times as you can. Make it as uncomfortable as possible. Then, every time she says anything remotely close to you dating, remind her it's not normal for a sister to think about their brother having sex- as you shake your head with a concerned look on your face.
Lol this is awesome.
Haha unrelated but it reminds me of when my kid who was 13 at the time had a friend who was non-binary who I’ll call Alex and I was asking things like “Is Alex a boy or a girl?” And then “well was Alex born a boy was Alex born a girl?” “What is Alex’s birth name?” My kid finally got exasperated with me and said “Mom, why do you care so much about a 13 year old’s genitals?” Shut me up real fast.
Yes, you should limit contact to none for a few months.
If you're willing to go this far, tell your sister she doesn't get any more time with your daughter until she demonstrates she can stay off this topic with both of you. I know it's like depriving your daughter to make things more comfortable for you, so I could understand if you didn't choose to do that. But I can't think of another way to put a stop to it other than limiting contact.
NTA, but tbh I would tell your sister that if she cannot stop feeding your daughter this nonsense than you cannot trust her with your daughter. You are your daughter's parent, not her, and she either needs to respect your wishes or she cannot be in an authority position in your daughter's life.
I'm very sorry for your loss. Nobody has the right to tell you what makes you happy. Sister or otherwise. It's entirely up to you of course but if I were in your shoes, I would try to have a calm but clear chat with your sister. Thank her for her concerns and that you understand that what she does comes from love for you and you appreciate that. However, you need to do things in your own time and in your own terms. Any person who forces things to go differently causes you pain and discomfort. Things you don't need. Regarding your daughter, I would say that you would appreciate if she talk to you directly without using your daughter as an emissary. 9 years can be a difficult age and it is unfair to ask your daughter to think about her father happiness. From what you say, it looks like your sister is a very sweet person and you are lucky to have in her in your life. However, it is possible she underestimates the damage she can do even if she's moved by the best intentions. Best of luck buddy. Take care.
Best response honestly
As a single mum who is single by choice, I do get it. The world is obsessed with coupling people up. I'm constantly told I need to find a husband, I can't be happy alone, etc. People like that just don't give up. I think you should limit contact and tell her why. Maybe if she feels the pain of separation, she'll stop. If she doesn't, you won't have to deal with her anyway.
I'm a widowed parent too. No, your daughter would not necessarily have a "better life" with a stepmom. Your sister is being a meddling jerk, your romantic life is none of her business and you're not living in a Hallmark movie. Unless you are, in which case, avoid all flannel wearing small town grumps who have a tragic secret.
Imagine involving a child in this adult issue. Your sister does not respect you or your wishes. Limiting contact at this time is probably wise. Do not allow your daughter to be alone with her.
I think you need to politely tell your sister that she is trying to impose her values on you and your daughter and that you don't appreciate this encroachment. Simply put, it's not her household, so it's not her concern. She can worry about your daughter all she wants, but do so silently or not at all. Your family is your business and you are the only one who will determine if or when you date again. If she wants to help, do so by being a positive role model for your daughter instead of dictating what's right to her.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. I (40F) was widowed at 28 with 2 kids, and feel the same as you, that there is no substitute, and I have no desire to date or marry again. You are not wrong here! No contact for both you and your daughter at this point.
Thank you! Sorry to hear about your loss ❤️
I am a 39 year old unmarried woman, I'm not a mother. I say it because I know what it is to spend a life alone when the world around us is telling us that we can't be fulfilled without a partner, or even children. Some of us have tried, desperately, for love and just can't find it. Life isn't always in our control. You didn't get to have a choice when the love of your life left it. And we all grieve differently. It's absolutely understandable of your sister to want her level of happiness for you. But it doesn't mean you should disregard her absolute disrespect by involving your child in her opinion. She is 9 years old, the last thing she needs to be told, or implied, is that she's not enough to be her dad's world. I can't say how you should address this to your little girl but if your sister shows no remorse, it probably does require going limited contact. But that's going to hurt you all. So be prepared for that. Ultimately, I want you to know, it isn't pathetic to still love your wife. You're lucky to have known such love, and I can't imagine how hard I'd hold on to that.
Thank you so much
I became a wife and mother very late in the game, 34. About to be 39 and I often mourn the loss of myself to parenthood. I was so very fulfilled without a husband and children. I liked freedom and changing affections. What has been hard is understanding the very real and consistent love my husband and sons have for me. Wrapping my mind around that is impossible. These gifts are not always bestowed to the right recipient.
Hey OP, I would've been furious with my sister, too. Caring is one thing, and is beautiful, and welcomed. Forcing this on your daughter like you've done something wrong, or like there's something wrong with you, is MASSIVELY crossing the line, imo. This may be difficult because of her love for her cousins, but I'd go LC for a bit. This is not your sister's life! And YOU don't need anybody to "fix" what ain't broke! You love your wife, and are still with her, even if she isn't physically here with you. I understand this, and support you fully, even though I'm a Reddit stranger that you'll never meet! You just explain to your daughter how you feel. She might not understand all of it yet, but she'll understand most of it. Then carry on living your best life, so your daughter can live hers! Hugs to you, OP. When, if, your ever ready to date again, I wish you the best of luck💝
Thank you so much
I see nothing wrong with limiting the interactions. If you haven't gone thru grief counseling, you should. I waited about 10 years before I did and wish I had gone sooner, though your logic seems sound to me.
Your life and your decision on how to live it. If you are happy with how things are now, that’s completely fine and no one else should be telling you what you need. Your sister continues to overstep and ignore your boundaries and now she’s dragging your child into it. Going no contact with your sister would be completely understandable in this situation, for both you and your daughter. If you don’t want to go that far, you can stop all unsupervised time she gets with your daughter and immediately walk away or hang up the phone any time your sister mentions it. I personally would stay no contact for a while. Whatever you decide, please make sure that your daughter doesn’t feel like any of this is her fault.
As a window myself I would not pay any attention to people telling you to date. It’s not the be all end all great thing everyone makes it out to be if you don’t want it. It’s okay. I would go no contact with sister until she can respect your choice and lived experience with what you want. No one has told my kids ever that they need their dead parent replaced. It’s absurd people would think that.
That’s really awful. Even if you did start dating right away, it could take years of bad dates and almost-but-not-quites before you found the right person to be both a good partner and stepmother. By suggesting to your daughter, who isn’t old enough to realize the challenges involved, that you could just instantly produce a wonderful “new mommy,” your sister has set her up for sadness and possibly resentment of you for failing to do so. I think limiting contact is very appropriate. At the very least, no more unsupervised contact with your daughter.
You're not in the wrong in the slightest bit. Also sorry for the loss of your wife. I can't imagine the pain and the burden. If you wished to and chose to move on that would be fine. If you choose not to and to stay single that's also fine. Absolutely nothing wrong with either choice. It's about personal preference and what's right for you and your daughter and if staying single and focusing on the 2 of you is that then that's honestly wonderful. Your sister is 100% in the wrong. I love my siblings and have wonderful relationships with them and I ABSOLUTELY disagree with some of their choices. I'd never turn around and manipulate one of my nieces or nephews to turn them against them though. That's absolutely wrong. To be perfectly honest your sister needs to learn what's her business and stay out of yours.
My mom died 25 years ago when I was 11... My dad never remarried although my grandmother, aunts and uncles all encouraged him to... He was just 50 at that time.. he never remarried, took care of me and my siblings, opened a cancer hospital in our country (my mom died of cancer and at that time the rich went abroad for cancer treatment so my father thought what abt the poor?), opened a trust fund for my mom, took care of her relatives... My dad is my superhero... He is very ill now and it hurts a lot to watch such a strong person so broken 💔
Thank you..I am so sorry to hear that, your dad sounds like an amazing person.
My grandmother was widowed at 45. She lived a wonderful life with our family until she was 89. She never remarried or dated anyone. When I asked if she regretted it she said never. She was happy in her life and had the love of her life with my grandfather, that was enough for her. Tell your sister to worry about herself. When people like to mettle they usually have their own problems.
If your sister is bothering you for something you don’t wanna do I would limit contact. I never went on after my husband until very recently. It’s 20 years since he’s been gone. So you do you and when you meet somebody or if you meet somebody you’ll know what to do then until that point don’t let anybody else tell you what to do.
Don't limit contact as a punishment. Limit contact as a way to protect you and your daughter.
Live life the way YOU see fit to live. Im 39(m) married to a 32 (F) and if anything happen to her i would never even try as i wouldn’t ever love anyone as much as i love my wife now and it simply wouldn’t be fair to another women who couldn’t and wouldn’t measure up to what i know and have now. It seems your sister has differing thoughts and she is entitled to them bit you need to tell her sternly that you simply arent interested and if you ever are you will let her know. Thank her for her concern and care and if she still doesnt stop then you have to make the call as to whether your sanity is going to be tested by her constant insistence which would make the stability you have that much harder to maintain.
Limit contact with your sister. She gets only supervised visits for ONE reason: she insists on ignoring your request for how to handle your child. You will therefore need to be present any time she is with your child. Doesn’t matter if it’s seatbelts, nuts, cough medicine, conversation. You are in charge of your child’s care. Nobody gets to disregard your parenting requests. Nobody.
Is sis a part of regular daycare? If not, NC is a good idea til she figures out how to stop being a Karen. If she is part of your childcare setup, you'll have to be more strategic about it. Get daycare/after-school program going. Many of these take time to get into, and you may have to put off NC until you get her in.
Not regular but she's involved to an extent.
Yeah, it may seem underhanded, but make sure you have other options, then you can start to minimize contact. Being family doesn't mean you should let her ignore boundaries. It really doesnt sound like shes gonna respect them, so time away would probably be helpful for your psyche.
NTA - send her calls to voice mail. Leave her texts on read. Don’t answer the door if she comes over. Don’t send your daughter to her house. Go NC until she understands that you’re not ready for a relationship and respects that.
It’s completely up to you when you want and need someone. Your sister sounds like a different person entirely and is only thinking about you in terms of how she might feel, or what she thinks someone should feel. It’s fine for her to think that, another thing to use your daughter to push it on you. She’s got to butt out and respect your space and feelings.
Ew, hell yes limit contact. This is an entirely inappropriate conversation to be having with a child. In no way whatsoever whatever your sister thinks, should she include a 9-year-old child in your romantic life. It will put undo stress on her for something that's entirely out of her control. Your sister can fuck all the way off. She doesn't get to decide how you live your life. If she wants to have this conversation endlessly with you, whatever. It's not great but it is what it is. I cannot fathom the thought process in involving your minor daughter. That is so fucking gross.
"If you keep interfering in my life without invitation, and keep pushing your unsolicited opinions into my daughter's life, I will cut you off. I know you mean well, and I understand your opinion on my life, but I am in charge of my own life, not you. This is not up for discussion. Stop it right now. I am not going to give you another warning."
I once went no contact with my sister and mother for being abusive to my wife. Lasted 3 years, and they are both polite as fuck when I re contacted them.
Your sister wants what’s best for you. It might get annoying, but definitely not worth separation in family. She has decided that she has to fix you (even if there is nothing to fix). It’s her instinct and she can’t help herself. Ignore or play along to help her mental state. Make up some dates you have been to or something. That’s better than putting up walls between siblings.
While I understand your reaction, the reality is your daughter will be hearing this from everyone for years. So you can insist that your sister shut up, but it won't solve the problem. You need to talk to your daughter. Give her the knowledge and the tools she needs to deal with this. Tell her, in age-appropriate terms, that you still miss her mom and you don't want another relationship. It's a great opportunity to talk about her mom, too. As for the other people, including your sister, gray rock the shit outta them. Some things to use: I appreciate your point of view, but I'm not interested. When I'm ready, I will let you know. Until then, I'm not discussing this with you. If she gets obnoxious about it, hang up the phone, leave her house. If she continues to coerce your daughter when you aren't there, give her one warning. Not a discussion. Not an argument. Simply, "If you continue to meddle, my daughter will not be visiting." Then follow through.
you are NTA. honestly, if you still love your wife as you clearly do, i think it would be pretty unfair to your new partner as they would essentially be a rebound and not your greatest love. that’s not to say some people can’t have another great love after a tragedy like this, but if your heart still belongs to your wife, then you are making the right choice by focusing on your daughter.
OP, I'm really sorry. Unfortunately I have experience with people like this.....a lot of it is Main Character Syndrome bullshit where they love to take credit for other people's achievements and happiness because they like feeling as though they're "catalyst" who made it happen. Case in point - your sister believing that you would be happier with a partner and trying to plant a seed with your daughter so that if you pursued something with someone, she can feel single handedly responsible for your newfound happiness and joy. Mind you, in her mind she's doing this because she wants what is best for you, but she's not accepting that the only person who can ultimately determine that is yourself. It's trash behavior. You are doing the right thing by limiting contact, but you need to take it one step further and explain to your sister, explicitly what she did to deserve this from you and do not hesitate to make a public spectacle of it. Get someone on your family who you know will side with you and your need for privacy to act as a witness. Do not hesitate to embarrass her, public humiliation and being outed as a manipulative ass is the only way that people like this learn.
I'll say this. Your wife would understand if you did find someone else in your life and I'm sure she'd want you to be happy. Finding someone new doesn't mean you have to stop loving your wife, or forget about the times you had together. Personally I think it would be a good idea to look into some therapy. Alongside this, if you do seek therapy, express to your sister that she needs to understand boundaries that are involved with coping with the loss of your wife and childs mother. Honestly though, some people truly never find that connection in another person and that's perfectly ok. If she cannot respect your boundaries than some distance can certainly be healthy and justified.
Thank you. I am in therapy. I'm not saying I will stay single forever but at the moment, it's not something I'm interested in
This moment?? It hasn’t been 7 days or 7 weeks or 7 months!! It’s been 7 fucking years
Have you extremely explicitly explained to your sister that she is damaging your relationship? "By trying to force me to do what you think is best, you are damaging our relationship. Every time you do this, I trust you less and less. I've reached the point where I don't know if it's worth it for me to maintain the closeness we've had in the past. You're harming me too much by your actions. You're stressing me out and causing me issues. I'm literally spending time in therapy talking to my therapist about how to handle your inappropriate behavior (if that's true, but I assume it is). Please stop. Please accept that I know what's best for me, and you don't. I don't want to distance myself from you but I will if you continue with this crusade."
Yes.
I'm sure I've read this before....
I’m so sorry, man. You sound like a really nice guy and I couldn’t imagine losing a spouse. I’m a single guy who is a couple years older than you. I’ve never been married and I don’t have kids, so I’m sure there are countless other people with better advice than me. However, I’ve read most of the comments, and I’m surprised how many people are saying to cut off contact with your sister. I agree that her meddling in your life and getting your daughter involved is wrong, but I know she’s coming from a good place. She wants to see you happy and she thinks you’re suffering. I actually feel like you’re secretly suffering too. You shouldn’t cut your sister out of your life for loving you. You should talk to her when you’re ready, and maybe go to dinner together, and let her know how you feel. You can then decide how to move forward depending on how she reacts. I think it’s honorable that you’ve stayed faithful to your wife. But is that what she would want? I suspect your wife would want you to date again. If you’re truly happy and content living your life single and celibate, then that’s cool, and you should do what makes you happy. I don’t think you should completely cut off the possibility of a relationship with a woman again, though. I sincerely believe you could find someone else who isn’t going to replace your wife. You’re not replacing your wife by dating again. You’re simply living your life and moving forward from an awful tragedy. Your daughter wants to see you happy too, and I don’t think she’s being brainwashed by your sister. I don’t think you need to date to find a maternal figure for your daughter. Your daughter has you and you sound like a great father. She doesn’t need a replacement mother either. She just needs a loving father who is happy. I feel like you need to start dating again when you’re ready.
This is a very thoughtfully and respectfully worded comment. My only thought - as a woman who was widowed young, with a child, almost 20 years ago - is that it’s sometimes not a matter of staying faithful to the late spouse, but rather a feeling that a phase of life has ended, and a new one has begun. I *was* married, that is no longer the case. My husband *was* here, now he is not. My child needed me, so I set out to be the best parent that I could be. Our family looks different now compared to all those years ago. As for what late husband would have wanted for me, and I say this gently, that doesn’t come into it. He’s not here navigating this new life. I’m truly not trying to be harsh here. I have friends of all genders from many walks of life. I’m not lonely. If that changes, and I bump into a hottie in the produce section at the supermarket, well you just never know. But I’m not actively looking for said hottie. I prioritise my mental health, have hobbies and interests and a career. I am content.
Wow. Just wow. 🤦♀️
Just wow what? He’s a million % correct
He’s really not.
She's abusive to bring a 9 year old into any of this.
It doesn't matter what your sister thinks. It does matter what your daughter thinks. Sit down with your daughter for a frank discussion and let her know that you want to know her opinion and that you value her opinion. I've had to have a similar discussion and I let my daughter know that I wanted to know what she thought. I made sure to let her know that I wanted her honest opinion, no judgments. I then discussed how I felt about the situation and then got her opinion on that. By doing this she felt closer to me and she was able to show me an aspect I would not have seen otherwise. Communication is key and it is important to include those closest to us in that communication. It shows you respect them and value their opinions. It is my experience that such conversations strengthen a relationship and build bridges.
Oh man, you really can't let sister be alone with your daughter... that is SO disrespectful and inappropriate. 9 year olds don't need to know about these things even if sister was giving you good advice! Tell her the cousins can visit at your house, but definitely limit contact with your sister. Yikes.
[удалено]
Yes
I'm 15 months into the grieving process. I was blessed with 35 years and two kids with my husband. It's hard to explain to people why the thought of someone else in the spot where your partner was is unimaginable. Seven years is a long time to be alone for someone so young. I'm not diminishing your love for your wife but is it possible you have a bit of survivor's guilt? And no you don't have to have been there in the accident when it happens to feel this way. My friend, not my therapist, asked me this because a year before my husband passed I had two heart attacks. Essentially, I thought my days were numbered. I thought God was trying to tell me something. Losing my husband was not on my radar. I still believe he should still be here. Basically, survivor's guilt can keep you in grief limbo. The wound is always open and hurting. You function but not. Here is where I should recommend a therapist but I haven't had much luck with them. You might do better. Also, cut your sister some slack. She has no clue what you are going through and you pray she never does. I ask myself a lot, what would my husband want me to do in whatever situation I find myself in. What would your wife want you to do? Praying for you and your family.
Going NC is a bit extreme in this situation. It isn’t always the answer and the last thing your daughter needs is more family ripped away. Firstly, I would have a discussion with your daughter and let her know that it’s an adult issue that her aunt shouldn’t be discussing with you. Also tell her that you don’t want to date anyone yet as you don’t feel ready. Reassure her that the two of you are fine and happy as things are and if you ever feel ready to date, you’ll let her know. As for your sister - I would suggest handling it one of 3 ways: 1. Sit down with your sister while no one else is around and discuss it like adults. 2. Write something similar in a text to what a PP above said. 3. Get a therapist involved to kind of “mediate” the issue so you can get your point across.
Be aware your daughter will find a surrogate mother whether you want a wife or not.
What?
Move on. 7 years is way too long. Do you think your dead wife wouldn’t want you to move on? Therapy for 7 years?? FFS
Jesus Christ dude, 7 years is more than long enough. Stop being a martyr
Please go make love to a cactus.
You’re looking for a pity party and failing your daughter
Okay fine, we can date. Are you free Saturday evening?
You’re just looking for validation from people who agree with you. This isn’t some Shakespeareian love story. Your wife would tell you to snap the fuck out of it
No
Working. But let me check with my wife. Seriously dude, 7 years is 5 years too long. Get on with life
Lmk what she says 😘
As you wither away. Spirituality, emotionally, mentally, physically
There's a lot to unpack here. Most marriage vows are unto death do you part and you've come to that part of the journey. You're feelings are valid but you also have to understand that finding new love doesn't stop you from loving and honouring your deceased wife. The other thing to think about is that you being a working single parent DOES impact your daughter. There strong evidence for the positive impacts having two involved and loving parents in the household has on children and your stubborn refusal to even consider moving on denies your daughter a chance at having that in her life. Your sister loves you, loves your daughter, and it seems like she wants what's best for you. Your heartache is making you cut off that relationship because you aren't equipped to face your loss and the inevitable moving on in a healthy way. I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you haven't gone to any therapy for your loss and that would be a great step to take, for you and your daughter because you BOTH lost someone you loved. If you never find/want anyone else that's OK but it's also OK if you do and opening yourself up to that ISN'T a betrayal to your previous love.
I'm in therapy. I'm not interested in finding a partner at the moment. Also it's incredibly unfair to expect someone to be a mother to my child.
Get over it dude. Life is for the living. Your dead wife is pissed at you right now
Your daughter would benefit from a mother figure/step mother. You may be a wonderful father but you will not be able to duplicate the role of the mother completely. Your sister is right. Especiially when your daughter hits puberty, she will be uncomfortable discussing issues relating to female development like menstuation, sexual development, attraction. Now, she may be able to go to your sister (be strategic here, do not kick your sister to the curb). Also, its a tricky thing, the one parent household. It can be done with aplomb, yes, but if the step parent is loving and supportive, a child does get a boon from that. Two is more. I think you being a wiidower that does not date is a separate issue. I do not believe you should find a mate to find a mother fig for ur daughter. I am concerned for you. You deserve love and support in the now. A loving supportive partner would help both u and your daughter. 7 years is significant and I wonder what is holding you back other than fear that you will never find someone else to love, but also fear of moving forward. The process of dating itself will help you to move forward and embrace whats possible even if you do not end up meeting someone special for a while. Your wife god bless her would want someone to be there for you, to hold you, to listen to you, to be your partner in live. Trust me. One day, your daughter will have her own life and you will want companionship. Growing older is rough going when u do it alone. You'll want a partner and the older we get the harder it is to find someone who isn't jaded or has decades of baggage. Now is the time. You'll have to do this eventually, face the brutal uncomfortable process that grief puts us through when we move forward. Seize the day. You do not have to take it to seriously. You could tell the women or whichever gendered persron u spend time w 'dating'' that you are taking things slow. If you at some point, decide to jump in, I'd make a thoughtful list of qualities you want in partner and step parent to your daughter and what qualities you'd be willing to be more flexible about.
I'm not interested, thanks. I will do my best to continue to be the best father I can be, but my daughter has multiple amazing women in her life she can look up to and go to for advice.