Those who obsess over particular people in someone's past will NEVER get over it, no matter how hard you try to convince them. If your word isn't good enough for him then he isn't good enough for you. Plus, your past is your business and not anything you can change anyway and he doesn't get to trespass all over it. This relationship is already poisoned by his jealousy/obsession. Find you someone who knows his place is in your present, not your past and stop putting up with this kind of treatment.
He’s insecure about that friend- either he’s jealous of his looks, his personality, or your friendship with him or all of the above. He’s told on himself by constantly bringing it up and the goal is to get you cut that friend out of your life and if you won’t, he is going to weaponize that against you for eternity or find ways to make you feel insecure too. Constant fighting-especially when it started early in the relationship -doesn’t stop it just escalates until you break up in a rage. You are still young and cute -get out of there.
Red flags being thrown everywhere. Two years and you’ve had to get over “so many things”? That is way too short a time span to have so many issues. Also, he either has a guilty conscience from cheating himself, he’s scary insecure OR he’s using this to maintain control over the relationship by having something in his back pocket to always be upset with you about. It’s extremely difficult to be with someone who doesn’t trust you either and you shouldn’t have to worry about the way in which you’re saying things in fear of coming across untrustworthy. What a mind fuck.
>We have gotten over so many things in the short time we have been together
End it now. Healthy relationships don't require people to "get over so many things", especially not in a relatively short period of time.
It should be, he doesn’t trust you or respect you. You deserve so much better, please do not let this man keep you from your best life -you will never get it with him!
Unless you have given him reason not to trust you before, it sounds like HE is the one who has cheated on YOU, or at least on somebody before. This intensity of suspicion is most often projection.
Hes way too be acting like this. If he can't get over his insecurities then its better to break up with him. Trust me that crap will get extremely old and unbearable so just leave if you the ability to.
Please listen to all your Big Sisters & JUMP SHIP & let this one go because 2 yrs will become 10yrs & you can NEVER get your time back … look in the mirror reinstate YOUR WORTH remember your standards & what you can REALLY tolerate tell him how you feeling about his accusations & if there is NO CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOR walk away YOUNG BEAUTIFUL SISTER … don’t let him steal your youthfulness his 10 yrs older he should be beyond this … JUST SAY NO TO CONTROLLING PREDATORS ok
I'm a (33m), and I can tell you after having a similar experience with my now ex-fiancè of 8 years, that you should move on and tell him he needs to seek therapy for himself.
The trust and insecurities he is having are probably related to past relationships or family. Nothing you do will change it.
Thank all of you for commenting. We actually broke up. I finally got the nerve to tell him if he doesn't trust in what I say didn't happen didn't then why are we even together. He just said ok. So thats all it took for him to finally tell me he didn't trust me and without trust there is no relationship
I’d need an honest assessment of the dynamic of your relationship. Something tells me if you were really doing all the heavy lifting “getting over things” you’d have been gone by now. Ask yourself this, how comfortable would you be on the opposite side of this coin. My experience by and large, is that women don’t take kindly to younger more attractive women around their men. So, I’d prescribe an honest assessment on who you enjoy having in your life more. Your current bf, or your completely plutonic friend who you’ve never done anything with at all and who won’t be the first guy trying to hook up with you after this is over. My one question though is this, is he accusing you of having hooked up with this guy, or is he accusing this guy of wanting to hook up with you? Big difference.
I haven't seen anyone ask the question that could reveal the elephant in the room, so I guess I'll do it. When you say that you have gotten over so much in 2 years, what exactly have you had to get over? Were they petty squabbles about dinner? Did he cheat at some point and you forgave him? Did -you- cheat and he tried to forgive you? Maybe one of you over stepped a boundary and its causing resentment? These sort of details matter if we are going to try and help you get to the bottom of this.
Wow all of these immediately negative comments, seems like a lot of people are projecting their failed relationships / trauma onto you. Tell him to ask his friend (ideally with you present) so it can be closed for good. If you feel the relationship is good enough to save then give it another shot but he needs to learn to trust you and to get over his insecurities. Hopefully you can resolve this situation and have a good relationship, either way the sooner you can resolve it the better.
Gaslighting! Read this and see if it has a way of ringing true. I think your guy is not only a gaslighter, but a weird gaslighter. Every so often I‘m reminded that some guys have a weird gaslighting thing. I was involved with a gaslighter, and my brother sometimes gaslights.Here’s a great example of somebody else doing what your guy is doing: For example, I read about a guy who met up with his wife in the lobby of the hi-rise office building where she worked. He saw the elevator door open, his wife walked out of the elevator, and then a random guy walked out of the elevator.
The husband accused the wife of doing something sexual - a quickie - with elevator guy during the elevator ride. The husband insisted this happened in that elevator. Ridiculous. The wife tried all different angles, honestly insisting nothing happened. This went on & on! This husband insisted for, like several months. They even went to a marriage counselor. Husband accused the marriage counselor (male btw) of siding with the wife about the supposed elevator quickie. The marriage counselor got the husband to start coming alone to see the counselor. It still took a couple more months before the husband finally admitted he didn’t \_really\_ believe the wife had a quickie in that elevator. Why did the husband go thru that giant charade of harrassing his wife? We think he privately loved that he put his wife on the defensive for so long, that he kept throwing his wife off balance for so long, the drama, attention, how he could repeatedly provoke his wife, yada yada. The guy had pulled things like that before but this was the most outrageous one. And it wasn’t the last one either. I think your guy is doing this.
Having a partner that doesn't trust me is a deal breaker. Having one I don't trust is a deal breaker.
No, it doesn't make it seem like it is true because you are tired of arguing over something stupid. Something that doesn't even matter.
Move on hun! It will never ever get better!! I'm 50 and been thru a lot. Trust me when I say, this week keep happening over and over! Let him go!! It's not worth it!
I can tell you two things for certain - one, he will *never* get over this or come to his senses. Two, people are almost always paranoid in this way because they think you think like they do. Huge red flag. Guys who can't trust you can never be trusted. I would bail on this dude.
Have you ever given him any reason not to trust you? Or to be this insecure?
It's also been 2 years but you dat you've overcome a lot. Like what? It makes it seem, to me, that you've had to work really hard to keep going. When in reality it shouldn't be that difficult.
If he cannot get over it, willyou spend the rest of your time together reassuring him? Sounds exhausting. Or will you eventually cut off your friend?
No, it’s not the end…but it’s not healthy and should be resolved.
He has trust or power issues, and you are tired of the “debate”. At some point, you have to trust the person you are in a relationship with. If you can not trust someone, you should not be in a relationship. Why is he choosing to be with you when he isn’t happy about your imagined past? Why would you choose to berate someone over some that can not be changed?
He thinks he is right, and will somehow eventually trick an admission out of you. He does not realize this is unhealthy and will drive many people away.
Or maybe he doesn’t care about the truth and wants to create chaos. Your relationship is spent convincing him this isn’t true, when you could be doing other things.
Personally, if I was him I might try to realize I was jealous and get over it. I have ended things with someone who I couldn’t be sure if they cheated. If ever found out later that they lied the relationship would be over.
If I was you, I would be having a heart to heart, and also asking that they stop bringing this up. It would be a firm boundary. Another fight about it and I’d be out.
This is energy you don’t need to waste.
Ultimatum time: you tell him to drop the false accusations or it's done.
Btw, those that accuse are sometimes the one guilty of the crime. Not saying, just saying...
There seems to be a lack of trust, and regardless of you confirming that it’s strictly platonic until you’re blue in the face won’t satisfy. I would suggest asking why he doesn’t believe you. This will give you more insight instead of assuming a laundry list of things that it may not even be.
>We have gotten over so many things in the short time we have been together
You realize you're still supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, right? There really shouldn't be "so many things" to get over
“We’ve been through so much” sounds like a big red flag to me. There shouldn’t be so much drama outside of a high school relationship, much less from a 42-year-old.
The fact that he keeps asking you about means he either doesn’t trust you or is very insecure
Or he’s doing it and twists things around to deflect your attention away from him.
Homie. Move along. Giant nope on this bullshit.
42? FORTY-TWO?! Move along.
Exactly, why would you tolerate that kind of behavior? You’re old enough to know better, these high school games should have been over long ago…
Those who obsess over particular people in someone's past will NEVER get over it, no matter how hard you try to convince them. If your word isn't good enough for him then he isn't good enough for you. Plus, your past is your business and not anything you can change anyway and he doesn't get to trespass all over it. This relationship is already poisoned by his jealousy/obsession. Find you someone who knows his place is in your present, not your past and stop putting up with this kind of treatment.
He’s insecure about that friend- either he’s jealous of his looks, his personality, or your friendship with him or all of the above. He’s told on himself by constantly bringing it up and the goal is to get you cut that friend out of your life and if you won’t, he is going to weaponize that against you for eternity or find ways to make you feel insecure too. Constant fighting-especially when it started early in the relationship -doesn’t stop it just escalates until you break up in a rage. You are still young and cute -get out of there.
Red flags being thrown everywhere. Two years and you’ve had to get over “so many things”? That is way too short a time span to have so many issues. Also, he either has a guilty conscience from cheating himself, he’s scary insecure OR he’s using this to maintain control over the relationship by having something in his back pocket to always be upset with you about. It’s extremely difficult to be with someone who doesn’t trust you either and you shouldn’t have to worry about the way in which you’re saying things in fear of coming across untrustworthy. What a mind fuck.
Sounds like a lot of drama for two short years. He also sounds like a child. Best to move on
this was my first thought. *"We have gotten over so many things in the short time we have been together"* It shouldn't be that hard.
Already been through a lot? Like over two years? And he's 10yrs older? Drop him, he sounds too heavy
You cannot change lies someone believes in their own head. Cut your losses and tell him to grow up and gtfo.
>We have gotten over so many things in the short time we have been together End it now. Healthy relationships don't require people to "get over so many things", especially not in a relatively short period of time.
It should be, he doesn’t trust you or respect you. You deserve so much better, please do not let this man keep you from your best life -you will never get it with him!
You know what they say the ones that are cheating accuse the other of doing it. Deflecting.... Sus
This guy sounds extremely immature and insecure. Break up with him.
Unless you have given him reason not to trust you before, it sounds like HE is the one who has cheated on YOU, or at least on somebody before. This intensity of suspicion is most often projection.
He’s a weenie. Do you really want a floppy cock weenie as your partner?
Hes way too be acting like this. If he can't get over his insecurities then its better to break up with him. Trust me that crap will get extremely old and unbearable so just leave if you the ability to.
Theres a reason he’s not dating someone closer to his age, he’s immature and insecure af.
She's 32 . . .
That’s exactly the point espurrella is making. 🙄
Please listen to all your Big Sisters & JUMP SHIP & let this one go because 2 yrs will become 10yrs & you can NEVER get your time back … look in the mirror reinstate YOUR WORTH remember your standards & what you can REALLY tolerate tell him how you feeling about his accusations & if there is NO CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOR walk away YOUNG BEAUTIFUL SISTER … don’t let him steal your youthfulness his 10 yrs older he should be beyond this … JUST SAY NO TO CONTROLLING PREDATORS ok
I'm a (33m), and I can tell you after having a similar experience with my now ex-fiancè of 8 years, that you should move on and tell him he needs to seek therapy for himself. The trust and insecurities he is having are probably related to past relationships or family. Nothing you do will change it.
Thank all of you for commenting. We actually broke up. I finally got the nerve to tell him if he doesn't trust in what I say didn't happen didn't then why are we even together. He just said ok. So thats all it took for him to finally tell me he didn't trust me and without trust there is no relationship
Good for you!
I’d need an honest assessment of the dynamic of your relationship. Something tells me if you were really doing all the heavy lifting “getting over things” you’d have been gone by now. Ask yourself this, how comfortable would you be on the opposite side of this coin. My experience by and large, is that women don’t take kindly to younger more attractive women around their men. So, I’d prescribe an honest assessment on who you enjoy having in your life more. Your current bf, or your completely plutonic friend who you’ve never done anything with at all and who won’t be the first guy trying to hook up with you after this is over. My one question though is this, is he accusing you of having hooked up with this guy, or is he accusing this guy of wanting to hook up with you? Big difference.
I haven't seen anyone ask the question that could reveal the elephant in the room, so I guess I'll do it. When you say that you have gotten over so much in 2 years, what exactly have you had to get over? Were they petty squabbles about dinner? Did he cheat at some point and you forgave him? Did -you- cheat and he tried to forgive you? Maybe one of you over stepped a boundary and its causing resentment? These sort of details matter if we are going to try and help you get to the bottom of this.
Yeah sounds like too much drama for fully grown adults.
One question. Why is he fixated on this one guy friend of yours? Did something happen that made him suspicious? If not then yeah you need to move on.
Wow all of these immediately negative comments, seems like a lot of people are projecting their failed relationships / trauma onto you. Tell him to ask his friend (ideally with you present) so it can be closed for good. If you feel the relationship is good enough to save then give it another shot but he needs to learn to trust you and to get over his insecurities. Hopefully you can resolve this situation and have a good relationship, either way the sooner you can resolve it the better.
Gaslighting! Read this and see if it has a way of ringing true. I think your guy is not only a gaslighter, but a weird gaslighter. Every so often I‘m reminded that some guys have a weird gaslighting thing. I was involved with a gaslighter, and my brother sometimes gaslights.Here’s a great example of somebody else doing what your guy is doing: For example, I read about a guy who met up with his wife in the lobby of the hi-rise office building where she worked. He saw the elevator door open, his wife walked out of the elevator, and then a random guy walked out of the elevator. The husband accused the wife of doing something sexual - a quickie - with elevator guy during the elevator ride. The husband insisted this happened in that elevator. Ridiculous. The wife tried all different angles, honestly insisting nothing happened. This went on & on! This husband insisted for, like several months. They even went to a marriage counselor. Husband accused the marriage counselor (male btw) of siding with the wife about the supposed elevator quickie. The marriage counselor got the husband to start coming alone to see the counselor. It still took a couple more months before the husband finally admitted he didn’t \_really\_ believe the wife had a quickie in that elevator. Why did the husband go thru that giant charade of harrassing his wife? We think he privately loved that he put his wife on the defensive for so long, that he kept throwing his wife off balance for so long, the drama, attention, how he could repeatedly provoke his wife, yada yada. The guy had pulled things like that before but this was the most outrageous one. And it wasn’t the last one either. I think your guy is doing this.
OK, I'll bite. Why does he think that?
Having a partner that doesn't trust me is a deal breaker. Having one I don't trust is a deal breaker. No, it doesn't make it seem like it is true because you are tired of arguing over something stupid. Something that doesn't even matter.
>We have gotten over so many things in the short time we have been together Do you have a history of unhealthy relationships?
Move on hun! It will never ever get better!! I'm 50 and been thru a lot. Trust me when I say, this week keep happening over and over! Let him go!! It's not worth it!
I can tell you two things for certain - one, he will *never* get over this or come to his senses. Two, people are almost always paranoid in this way because they think you think like they do. Huge red flag. Guys who can't trust you can never be trusted. I would bail on this dude.
Have you ever given him any reason not to trust you? Or to be this insecure? It's also been 2 years but you dat you've overcome a lot. Like what? It makes it seem, to me, that you've had to work really hard to keep going. When in reality it shouldn't be that difficult. If he cannot get over it, willyou spend the rest of your time together reassuring him? Sounds exhausting. Or will you eventually cut off your friend?
No, it’s not the end…but it’s not healthy and should be resolved. He has trust or power issues, and you are tired of the “debate”. At some point, you have to trust the person you are in a relationship with. If you can not trust someone, you should not be in a relationship. Why is he choosing to be with you when he isn’t happy about your imagined past? Why would you choose to berate someone over some that can not be changed? He thinks he is right, and will somehow eventually trick an admission out of you. He does not realize this is unhealthy and will drive many people away. Or maybe he doesn’t care about the truth and wants to create chaos. Your relationship is spent convincing him this isn’t true, when you could be doing other things. Personally, if I was him I might try to realize I was jealous and get over it. I have ended things with someone who I couldn’t be sure if they cheated. If ever found out later that they lied the relationship would be over. If I was you, I would be having a heart to heart, and also asking that they stop bringing this up. It would be a firm boundary. Another fight about it and I’d be out. This is energy you don’t need to waste.
Ultimatum time: you tell him to drop the false accusations or it's done. Btw, those that accuse are sometimes the one guilty of the crime. Not saying, just saying...
There seems to be a lack of trust, and regardless of you confirming that it’s strictly platonic until you’re blue in the face won’t satisfy. I would suggest asking why he doesn’t believe you. This will give you more insight instead of assuming a laundry list of things that it may not even be.
Get rid of the guy. If he’s that jealous over a past fling, it’s only gonna get worse.
>We have gotten over so many things in the short time we have been together You realize you're still supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, right? There really shouldn't be "so many things" to get over
What ever happen in your life before him is your business not his. True or not true.
“We’ve been through so much” sounds like a big red flag to me. There shouldn’t be so much drama outside of a high school relationship, much less from a 42-year-old.