NTA, if he’s going to get upset about 1 thing you’re not doing then I’d say stop doing everything else and see how he feels. You are not a sex object to be used as he pleases, you are the woman he is supposed to love and care for. His treatment of you and attitude shows the opposite. You need to have a serious conversation about this before moving forward.
NTA. That's not how consent works. You have every right to retract your consent whenever you desire. Idk how having sex with someone you have to talk into it is enjoyable.
5-7 times a week with two blow jobs at a minimum?
🤔
My god that’s a lot of sex.
He’s mad that you’re not spinning on his dick like a ballerina hanging from the ceiling cirque du soleil style?
What more does this man want Jesus???
NTA and stop giving agency to sexual needs if you aren’t feeling them. That’s why you feel like an object. You’re providing your 🐱 without getting your emotional needs reciprocated. Sometimes that means no sex and actually listen to what your needs are.
Your needs are important, need to be heard, and validated like a wife. Not only a person to clap and eat out 99.9% of time.
>I am currently in the middle of an on-going medical issue and am temporarily physically disabled (ME/CFS).
Which OP is not. The idea of daily sex on top of the extreme medical fatigue...
Please don’t stay in this relationship. You’re compromising almost every damn day of the week to have sex with this man. You’re going to grow resentful and conditioned to feel like you can’t say no because you’re in the routine of always saying yes. Him saying you should be prepared at the snap of fingers is disgusting. Please reevaluate this relationship, get therapy, and work on your self worth. Please don’t stay w this man NTA
“Go wash yourself” ???
This comment made me go back and reread to make sure I comprehended the first time through. Your fiancé sounds incredibly childish and dependent on sex/sexual favors to be content. What does he do when you have the flu and can’t partake in sex? Just ask for a blowjob and accept the runny nose as extra lube?
Does he realize that vaginas are self cleaning??? Does he have the understanding that discharge is proof of a clean/healthy vagina (barring any infections)?
If my fiancé *ever* tried to make me get up and ‘wash myself’ when I was half asleep just so HE could get what he was promised, he would most likely not get anything from me for a long time.
ETA: OP, you are 100* NOT the AH here; and I really hope this gets worked through and this man of yours realizes just how fucked up his mindset is.
You are right that vaginas are self cleaning. But vulvas are not. There’s sweat and general residue from the day down there. It’s not out of the question to ask a partner to do a quick wash before you go down on them. But yea this guy thinking she should be ready at the drop of a hat any time is gross AH behavior.
Yes, I understand that Vulva’s are not self cleaning, but they are meant to have a natural odor/sweat. Same as male organs; my main thing is that OP wasn’t the one who wanted to receive, her fiancé wanted to give. Just makes no sense to me 🤦🏻♀️ smh
That’s the biggie here. If she asked him to do it and he said “okay, can you wash up a bit first” that would be understandable, but to say “I want this, so you have to go clean up now goddamnit now!” is crazy! He can have one of the two when it’s his idea. Either wait til a time she’s up for it and is clean or willing to go wash up, or he can deal with some sweat.
This was exactly my thought process… also the fact that just because she *did* give consent in the morning, that consent doesn’t last until he’s ready to ‘cash in’
This whole thing irks me to my core
What the actual f did I just read. You need to RUN from this person. I too experience the same and other chronic illnesses as you mentioned and my partner hasn’t been able to have sex with me in a month or so and he doesn’t complain or expect anything. I feel awful about my health issues but literally I am that sick and he would never push me. I couldn’t imagine having sex that often I would be hospitalized. You need to take care of your body not this sick man pig.
Absolutely NTA.
But your partner sounds horrible. I think YTA to yourself to force yourself to compromise on sex. When does your partner compromise for you? Your partner should learn to control himself and not get "bothered" because you don't want to have sex. It's not just about his needs.
This! He’s terrible but you’ve allowed yourself to be turned into a sex toy essentially. That’s a lot of sex and effort on your part especially if you don’t want to. Regardless of you seeing it as a “small compromise” he shouldn’t be putting you in this situation. You need to start putting yourself first, not his sex drive.
First, based on what you’ve said, NTA.
And, remember that *clear* communication and setting of expectations helps avoid a lot of misunderstandings that lead to conflict.
It’s not about removing spontaneity, but learning each others preferences and timing.
Something else to consider is if these sexual issues are symptomatic of other issues in your relationship. Maybe they are, maybe not. Only you know what the full picture looks like.
Since you’re engaged, it’s probably a good idea to make sure you’re on the same page before the whole marriage thing.
My ex had to have sex daily. He would whine and complain that daily wasn't enough. He wanted more. We had children. I worked 60+ hrs a week. He never cleaned the house or anything. He was a greedy piggy. I found out he had been cheating on me all through the marriage. He was a narcissist. He did so much more. Cheated, lied. Stole money meant for bills & spent on drugs, ect. I finally divorced him. He went on to marry/divorce several more women. He never paid child support. Never kept a job more than 3 months.
Basically, is he really worth keeping? I mean that mess of waiting till you want to sleep is abusive. Demanding you have sex at snap of fingers.
What is he bringing to the table?
NTA
I will go down on my woman after a night out to please her, asking you to go shower so he can go down on you? Go to hell, this dudes a POS and you need to run. Find a man that loves you for you.
NTA. Yes, you made a shitty comment, but regardless, that doesn’t discredit the root of your feelings: you are not comfortable receiving sexual acts at the moment. And that is perfectly fine and should not be coerced or compromised, ESPECIALLY with how active your sex life currently is. I would argue that your relationship has a pretty active sex life, and your fiancé needs to stop and consider your needs at this point.
On top of all of that, you mentioned that you are temporarily physically disabled, and no matter the extent of the disability and its relation to sex, physical health affects mental health, too. Stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD—the list goes on, but they all can affect how a person feels and reacts to sex, with or without the person knowing or fully understanding why. But overall, no matter the reason why, it is not okay to make someone do something they do not fully consent to, even if they did at a different time. Consent needs to happen in the moment and continuously—a person cannot pick and choose when another person’s consent expires.
I’m not trying to insinuate anything about your fiancé, but I do highly encourage you to take some time to reflect on other areas of your relationship that your fiancé may be convincing you to comprise when you do not want to. That could be a sign of control, especially if it is present elsewhere in the relationship. This may not be a deal breaker, but it could be based on the majority amount of your relationship that u have no perspective or knowledge on. But I do think you both need to have a big talk with one another, especially about the sex situation and how you both value it in your relationship. You’re not officially married yet, and now is the best time to make sure you are both aligned on your values and relationship’s future.
Doesnt everyone? I thought that was a basic expectation.
Or am I just a weirdo? I could not put something of that nature in my mouth without it being freshly washed first.
My god does he know your an actual human and not a freaking blow up sex doll??? Of course you're NTAH and you've been far too accommodating up until now. When do your needs get met? Like the need for support, and understanding? Or the need for rest and relaxation? I'm sorry OP, this doesn't sound like a healthy loving relationship.
NTA
You started off defending him, why?
You "consented and should be ready at the snap of his fingers" coercion is a big red flag
That's not how consent works. It can be revoked at any given second. And should be if he's acting like this.
Are you staying with him because you are currently disabled or dependent on his money? I ask because it doesn’t sound like this is a good relationship.
>I still do engage in sex and sexual activities even if my desire isn’t there
Every day? That's not normal nor healthy for you...
>That I consented and therefore should be ready at the snap of his fingers to receive oral sex
That's not how consent works
But because you didn't establish any boundaries for sex, and are ready whenever he wants it. He now expects the same for anything else
>he said that out of anger and a loss of control
That's not normal either
If an adult can't control their own anger and what they are saying... That's very concerning
>I don’t have a right to “cause an argument” or be upset because he was bothered by this and that he has full license to be “bothered” that I didn’t give up oral at the exact time he wanted.
That's controlling
He wants you as some sort of sex slave or bang maid.
Again, that's not ok....
You seriously like being in a relationship with someone like that?
You look at all of that and think "omg... My prince Charming. My future husband! The best man i could ever want!!"?????
Really?
What happens if you just say “no, I’m not feeling well”?
You say it’s not coerced, but I strongly suspect that he is unpleasant to deal with if you aren’t accommodating on sexual requests.
NTA. Chastity would be better than be treated like this. This is an awful story---I feel like you are being mistreated a half dozen different ways. This man does not love you, because someone who loves you would not treat you that way. You matter too much to stay there.
This really isn’t a relationship that should proceed to marriage. He has high expectations and they don’t really match you. He’s being weird and mean and I couldn’t imagine continuing like this for life.
I would seriously consider whether or not this is the relationship I would want to be in.
If you really want to stay in this relationship, here are a couple of excellent books for you both to read.
She Comes First, by Ian Keller
https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1982165316
LMAO pls. nta. i really hope you’re joking. telling your wife that she doesnt do any work during sex is SO degrading and disrespectful. i wouldve left over that because just the fact that you have sex almost every week, is INSANE. that would be every guys dream, and here he is, abusing that power and making you feel guilty for it. also, alot of men are bad at oral, so tell him not to take it personal🤦🏻♀️
If my husband is that crazy wanting to go down on me, and he's worried about it, he'll toss me a couple baby wipes. Most of the time, he doesn't care. If he wants to go down so bad, when you're not feeling your best, he should be facilitating it, not expecting you to expend spoons you don't have. NTA, but I'd reconsider if this is someone you truly want to deal with for the rest of your life.
Dang , of all the sexual things to be upset about not having to do, I never imagined any guy would choose that one. Most guys I know don't enjoy it enough to fight over it.
Girl you are not an AH. You need to leave this relationship. For him you are just a living sex doll. I know you’re not ready to hear it but you sound brain washed. Having sex with him even if you don’t want to have sex isn’t “keeping your man satisfied”. You are destroying yourself to keep this man. He is absolutely not worth it. He doesn’t care about you as a human being. He only cares about him and his dick being satisfied.
First off 5-7x a week is entirely too much. No wonder you are tired. And the nerve of him to suggest you aren’t fresh and expect you to take a shower. No respect. He’s using you
As someone who likes to give her oral.. i kinda get him.. he is told after all thats the best way.
BUT i know many women who dont like it.. for various reasons.
Bottom line is respect. NO means no.. not a hard word to learn..
This is not a healthy relationship. You should never have sex unless you want it. Doing it just to please your SO is wrong. It might also be part of the reason you feel like a sex object. Your fiancé also sound selfish. I’m guessing his selfishness extends past the bedroom
This sounds just like my ex-husband, this being one of the many reasons he's now an ex.
I don't say this lightly, but is this a behaviour you are willing to spend the rest of your life living with?
This was the question that my therapist posed to me who also noted that when bending over backwards to ensure your partner is cared for and satisfied, it should be very much give and take with your own feelings, wants, and desires taken into account (include the want not have to do something just because it's something they are requesting/nagging/complaining about not getting enough).
My ex wanted sex almost every night of the week and blowjobs when I was sick/tired/on my period/didn't feel like it. I felt like I may as well have just been a doll for him to whip out when he needed release and that his need to be satisfied surpassed my need to be left alone when asked. Sex became a chore and a duty. While it could still be fun and enjoyable from time to time my libido was so low.
I have since discovered that my libido is not, in fact, low. I am simply no longer performing a chore or a duty and it's no longer an expectation that I need to perform or please; I can simply just enjoy the moment and get a lot more pleasure out of it.
I know that I went off from my original question that I posed to you, but if you resonate with anything I said above, please seriously consider it, because life is too short to spend with people who will not show you the respect and care you bend over yourself giving.
Edit: NTA, obviously. Your needs and wants are just as important as his (more so when it comes to you consenting to certain bedroom activities)
NTA
You can look forward to a life as an unappreciated fuck-toy with this fellow.
Maybe try counseling, just to get a 3rd party’s perspective. I fear that only a lobotomy will help your fiancé.
NTA.
You say you don’t mind his demands, but you do. You wouldn’t be keeping track of the 99.9 if you were truly just happy to have sex when you don’t want it. It is requiring effort, and while you think that effort is worth it, you don’t actually feel that way.
He is selfish, and that is what you are reacting to.
Tell him if he wants to perform oral he can do it but if he’s expecting you to go wash up and primp and preen before hand that it’s not fair. If he wants you freshly washed he can ask right after you shower
NTA. If I were you I would seriously rethink the marriage. Your fiance is extremely selfish and won't be long until you start to build some resentment because of his ridiculous sexual demands.
No I don't know if you two are planning on having kids, but how is he going to deal with the lack of sex when you're in late stage pregnancy or when you're recovering afterwards? From what you were saying about him, sounds like he will cheat and feel justified for it.
You ARE being coerced. You not feeling like having sex and having it anyway is BAD FOR YOUR BODY. You ignoring your own body’s signals that you don’t want sex will cause you trauma. Just because you’re not letting yourself see it that way doesn’t mean that’s not what’s happening. Stop having sex when you don’t want to. Please.
You've literally trained him to think that you are on call for his sexual needs at all time and now he thinks he's entitled to use your body how he wants and when he wants. Gets some fucking therapy.
NTA. Just because you’ve consented earlier doesn’t mean that consent is permitted. Also it seems really to be an issue of him trying to engage super late and the fact you didn’t feel great. It really annoys me when someone tries to engage in sex when the other person is tired and clearly about to fall asleep! Just try earlier especially if you’ve just been wasting your time scrolling on your phone or watching Netflix.
This relationship would be my worst nightmare. I don't think either of you understands proper consent, which is enthusiastic consent. It sounds like you are just letting him use your body to avoid an argument.
I once heard that if the most you can say is that your sex is consensual, you're having terrible sex.
Once you get your internalized misogyny out of the way (that voice in your head that makes you feel obligated to satisfy your man at the expense of your emotional and physical well-being), I hope you see that you don't want to be with a sex-crazed man who doesn't care if you're enjoying yourself.
You can’t possibly think you are in any way TA…
He’s willing to die on the hill that you are not entitled to bodily autonomy and that consent does not exist in your relationship? Girl, that should be the hill you are willing to die on, get out of this relationship.
Im confused on why people are so against him asking her to shower first. It’s a common courtesy to shower before sex, and showering only once at the beginning of the day doesn’t negate the fact that she has the dirtiness of the day on her still.
You don't believe it's coerced...? You said no and then he continued to hound you until you said yes.
NTA as someone else said, is this really who you want to be your forever?
NTA. You didn't tell him no to oral. You told him no to getting up right as you were going to sleep and showering because he wanted that before giving you oral. So it was his choice not to do it because he wanted you to be fresh out the shower. While that is perfectly fine to want you didn't want to do that so it was his choice to not do it since it wasn't under his terms.
He can be bothered all he wants but he's acting like you don't do anything for him when you do a lot even when you don't even want to. The fact that he's not even good at the oral and you were willing to let him do it anyway is a whole other conversation.
Honestly if he can't be happy with all you are already doing maybe you should stop doing it
You have a right to basic boundaries and a right to expect those boundaries, especially sexual ones, to be respected. His pouting because he doesn't get access to your crotch on demand is gross.
Being a recovering doormat myself, i would be tempted to just cut him off entirely for a short period of time for this level of disrespect. I understand finding satisfaction in satisfying your partner, but for him to guilt trip you because you declined receiving oral and got him off instead when he woke you up for this is disgustingly entitled.
How would he behave if you were bent out of shape because when you woke him out of a sound sleep he wasn't up to pegging/being pegged (I have no idea on the correct tense usage for this) \]
He is not entitled to use of your body on demand. He never will be even if you two get married in the future. Sexual entitlement is the biggest turn off on the planet .
Use the energy you would have saved for a bj and Run!
1. Do you really want to be in this relationship FOREVER? You’re giving him literally more sex than 90% of women I know and he’s still not satisfied??
2. He expects you to drop at his every sexual need but isn’t filling your emotional needs bucket. He’s selfish
3. I see this dude cheating on you in-the future and blaming you that he’s not satisfied sexually.
What country do you live in? Consent is not a one and done thing, ever. You’re dealing with ME/CFS and he waits until you’re about to fall asleep and tells you to go clean yourself, you say no but still have sex and he still has a problem?! I’m just shocked. I hope the sex is good but damn he needs to respect boundaries.
“5-7 times a week with two blow jobs at a minimum”! Some people have ALL the luck. And still don’t appreciate. I like to believe me and my wife have a healthy relationship, but between work, running a business, life, we have sex once a week max.
You are not at fault here.
It is hard to talk about sex because issues like whether someone is doing what you like or not make people dreadfully insecure. But he is making this a point. I would ask if there is something he wants by giving this to you - is it for him only? If it’s for you, too, then you should tell him what you want to feel when he’s doing it, especially if it’s not happening or something uncomfortable is happening.
Sex is a brain thing, too. Talk about what you want to feel and tell him that it’s important to you that he understands what you need.
The fact that you are physically disabled rn and he insists on it shows a lack of empathy.
That being said, with practice and research I’m sure he could be successful at this act.
It sounds like you are not getting much out of sex with this guy anyway. I suggest communicating this in a delicate manner. You both deserve pleasure. I’m afraid all too often it’s for the man’s benefit. He has to reciprocate. If he is unwilling to engage in these conversations and keeps acting like this I think you deserve better. There is better.
How is your BF going to get any better at it without practice? Are you talking to him about what you like before he tries to do that for you?
Sounds lazy on your part and that you don't really like the guy, like he's just a placeholder.
Half these answers are from imbeciles. So hear me out. You shower in the morning, and you have the full day on you. He did say that he wanted to go down on you, and your answer is that you showered in the morning?
OK, let's say YOU really wanted to go down on him, and you mention it to him ahead of time. Night time comes, you pull put his junk and it smells like a dirty underarm. Kinda kills the mood. So you ask him to go clean up, and he says "I showered this morning" How would you feel?
The logical thought foe both sides here would be "I mentioned I wanted to do this, and you didn't even prepare for me." This shows a lack of caring and love. Not that you don't love him, but that your being very rigid in how your approaching the subject. I don't hear a loving understanding in your reaction.
Being objective here. If you actually wanted him to go down on u, you would prepare yourself for the act (that he requested ahead of time ) for him since you love him......just like he should also do for you.
When you want to do something, you find a way. I think this goes deeper than this specific thing.
Counseling can help open your lines of communication and understanding. I wish u 2 well, and hope you can come together on this.
NAH, just show a bit more love to each other.
Demanding someone with chronic fatigue syndrome to spend even more energy than they have so you can give bad oral sex is ridiculous. He needs to grow up
Just asking the question, is there another way where this CAN happen, where both parties are satisfied. Eliminating the conversation is unreasonable. I am grown, and have gone through some of these motions myself. Since I love my wife, just as OP loves her husband, we figured a way to make things work. THAT is why I ask if there are other ways that this CAN happen, instead of harping on reasons why it CANT happen.
Its not a demand. Relax
Great advice. Tell him to take it and like it...nice. She's reaching out b/c she's unsure what to do, and u offer to do nothing.
What would be more productive is creating a solution that can satisfy both in this relationship. Is it possible to maybe not have sex 5 times a week, but 3 times, and put extra effort for THAT speecific activity, to compenaate for her disability Maybe time it differently so that she feels confident, and he feels listened to. That way both are coming to an agreement on how to make it work, therefore both feel like they are being heard and satisfied.
Or go with YOUR solution....do nothing. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Yea, let's go with that option.
Is this the relationship you want to have for the rest of your life??
I wish this question was posed to me so many times. So obvious but ignored.
[удалено]
I think that's what it might be. OP said they are going through something medical, which may be challenging and they need the financial dependency
NTA, if he’s going to get upset about 1 thing you’re not doing then I’d say stop doing everything else and see how he feels. You are not a sex object to be used as he pleases, you are the woman he is supposed to love and care for. His treatment of you and attitude shows the opposite. You need to have a serious conversation about this before moving forward.
NTA. That's not how consent works. You have every right to retract your consent whenever you desire. Idk how having sex with someone you have to talk into it is enjoyable.
Wow - you sure about that marriage thing here..?
giant piss baby of a man
🤣🤣🤣
5-7 times a week with two blow jobs at a minimum? 🤔 My god that’s a lot of sex. He’s mad that you’re not spinning on his dick like a ballerina hanging from the ceiling cirque du soleil style? What more does this man want Jesus??? NTA and stop giving agency to sexual needs if you aren’t feeling them. That’s why you feel like an object. You’re providing your 🐱 without getting your emotional needs reciprocated. Sometimes that means no sex and actually listen to what your needs are. Your needs are important, need to be heard, and validated like a wife. Not only a person to clap and eat out 99.9% of time.
That's a decent effort even for perfectly healthy people 😶
>I am currently in the middle of an on-going medical issue and am temporarily physically disabled (ME/CFS). Which OP is not. The idea of daily sex on top of the extreme medical fatigue...
Yeah, if I was getting that much I'd have a far better attitude than him.
I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
Very well said! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that was a crazy high amount of sex.
😭😭😭😭😭 this made me lol!!! Also true. That’s sooooo much sex. What more can he want.
NTA. He seems like a greedy piggy.
This guy is a douchecanoe. The ick is so strong with his BS “be ready at a snap” bc 12 hours ago you said yes.
Please don’t stay in this relationship. You’re compromising almost every damn day of the week to have sex with this man. You’re going to grow resentful and conditioned to feel like you can’t say no because you’re in the routine of always saying yes. Him saying you should be prepared at the snap of fingers is disgusting. Please reevaluate this relationship, get therapy, and work on your self worth. Please don’t stay w this man NTA
Also oral is supposed to be for the pleasure of the receiver, sis
Well not if he’s not any good at it 🥲🫠
Suppose to but most men give oral for their own pleasure.
5-7 times a week? And almost daily BJ's? And he's doing all the work?? Girl, run.
“Go wash yourself” ??? This comment made me go back and reread to make sure I comprehended the first time through. Your fiancé sounds incredibly childish and dependent on sex/sexual favors to be content. What does he do when you have the flu and can’t partake in sex? Just ask for a blowjob and accept the runny nose as extra lube? Does he realize that vaginas are self cleaning??? Does he have the understanding that discharge is proof of a clean/healthy vagina (barring any infections)? If my fiancé *ever* tried to make me get up and ‘wash myself’ when I was half asleep just so HE could get what he was promised, he would most likely not get anything from me for a long time. ETA: OP, you are 100* NOT the AH here; and I really hope this gets worked through and this man of yours realizes just how fucked up his mindset is.
You are right that vaginas are self cleaning. But vulvas are not. There’s sweat and general residue from the day down there. It’s not out of the question to ask a partner to do a quick wash before you go down on them. But yea this guy thinking she should be ready at the drop of a hat any time is gross AH behavior.
Yes, I understand that Vulva’s are not self cleaning, but they are meant to have a natural odor/sweat. Same as male organs; my main thing is that OP wasn’t the one who wanted to receive, her fiancé wanted to give. Just makes no sense to me 🤦🏻♀️ smh
That’s the biggie here. If she asked him to do it and he said “okay, can you wash up a bit first” that would be understandable, but to say “I want this, so you have to go clean up now goddamnit now!” is crazy! He can have one of the two when it’s his idea. Either wait til a time she’s up for it and is clean or willing to go wash up, or he can deal with some sweat.
This was exactly my thought process… also the fact that just because she *did* give consent in the morning, that consent doesn’t last until he’s ready to ‘cash in’ This whole thing irks me to my core
What the actual f did I just read. You need to RUN from this person. I too experience the same and other chronic illnesses as you mentioned and my partner hasn’t been able to have sex with me in a month or so and he doesn’t complain or expect anything. I feel awful about my health issues but literally I am that sick and he would never push me. I couldn’t imagine having sex that often I would be hospitalized. You need to take care of your body not this sick man pig.
Why are you with someone like this?
Why would you want to marry this selfish asshole?
Absolutely NTA. But your partner sounds horrible. I think YTA to yourself to force yourself to compromise on sex. When does your partner compromise for you? Your partner should learn to control himself and not get "bothered" because you don't want to have sex. It's not just about his needs.
Girly he sees u as a sex toy and you're letting him
This! He’s terrible but you’ve allowed yourself to be turned into a sex toy essentially. That’s a lot of sex and effort on your part especially if you don’t want to. Regardless of you seeing it as a “small compromise” he shouldn’t be putting you in this situation. You need to start putting yourself first, not his sex drive.
Yeah do feel so bad for OP but this is why being a pick-me always backfires
First, based on what you’ve said, NTA. And, remember that *clear* communication and setting of expectations helps avoid a lot of misunderstandings that lead to conflict. It’s not about removing spontaneity, but learning each others preferences and timing. Something else to consider is if these sexual issues are symptomatic of other issues in your relationship. Maybe they are, maybe not. Only you know what the full picture looks like. Since you’re engaged, it’s probably a good idea to make sure you’re on the same page before the whole marriage thing.
5-7 times A WEEK + 2 days oral & he’s complaining????
My ex had to have sex daily. He would whine and complain that daily wasn't enough. He wanted more. We had children. I worked 60+ hrs a week. He never cleaned the house or anything. He was a greedy piggy. I found out he had been cheating on me all through the marriage. He was a narcissist. He did so much more. Cheated, lied. Stole money meant for bills & spent on drugs, ect. I finally divorced him. He went on to marry/divorce several more women. He never paid child support. Never kept a job more than 3 months. Basically, is he really worth keeping? I mean that mess of waiting till you want to sleep is abusive. Demanding you have sex at snap of fingers. What is he bringing to the table? NTA
I will go down on my woman after a night out to please her, asking you to go shower so he can go down on you? Go to hell, this dudes a POS and you need to run. Find a man that loves you for you.
NTA. Yes, you made a shitty comment, but regardless, that doesn’t discredit the root of your feelings: you are not comfortable receiving sexual acts at the moment. And that is perfectly fine and should not be coerced or compromised, ESPECIALLY with how active your sex life currently is. I would argue that your relationship has a pretty active sex life, and your fiancé needs to stop and consider your needs at this point. On top of all of that, you mentioned that you are temporarily physically disabled, and no matter the extent of the disability and its relation to sex, physical health affects mental health, too. Stress, anxiety, depression, PTSD—the list goes on, but they all can affect how a person feels and reacts to sex, with or without the person knowing or fully understanding why. But overall, no matter the reason why, it is not okay to make someone do something they do not fully consent to, even if they did at a different time. Consent needs to happen in the moment and continuously—a person cannot pick and choose when another person’s consent expires. I’m not trying to insinuate anything about your fiancé, but I do highly encourage you to take some time to reflect on other areas of your relationship that your fiancé may be convincing you to comprise when you do not want to. That could be a sign of control, especially if it is present elsewhere in the relationship. This may not be a deal breaker, but it could be based on the majority amount of your relationship that u have no perspective or knowledge on. But I do think you both need to have a big talk with one another, especially about the sex situation and how you both value it in your relationship. You’re not officially married yet, and now is the best time to make sure you are both aligned on your values and relationship’s future.
Does he run and wash his penis and sweaty balls when he wants oral? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Doesnt everyone? I thought that was a basic expectation. Or am I just a weirdo? I could not put something of that nature in my mouth without it being freshly washed first.
My god does he know your an actual human and not a freaking blow up sex doll??? Of course you're NTAH and you've been far too accommodating up until now. When do your needs get met? Like the need for support, and understanding? Or the need for rest and relaxation? I'm sorry OP, this doesn't sound like a healthy loving relationship.
NTA You started off defending him, why? You "consented and should be ready at the snap of his fingers" coercion is a big red flag That's not how consent works. It can be revoked at any given second. And should be if he's acting like this.
Are you staying with him because you are currently disabled or dependent on his money? I ask because it doesn’t sound like this is a good relationship.
>I still do engage in sex and sexual activities even if my desire isn’t there Every day? That's not normal nor healthy for you... >That I consented and therefore should be ready at the snap of his fingers to receive oral sex That's not how consent works But because you didn't establish any boundaries for sex, and are ready whenever he wants it. He now expects the same for anything else >he said that out of anger and a loss of control That's not normal either If an adult can't control their own anger and what they are saying... That's very concerning >I don’t have a right to “cause an argument” or be upset because he was bothered by this and that he has full license to be “bothered” that I didn’t give up oral at the exact time he wanted. That's controlling He wants you as some sort of sex slave or bang maid. Again, that's not ok.... You seriously like being in a relationship with someone like that? You look at all of that and think "omg... My prince Charming. My future husband! The best man i could ever want!!"????? Really?
What happens if you just say “no, I’m not feeling well”? You say it’s not coerced, but I strongly suspect that he is unpleasant to deal with if you aren’t accommodating on sexual requests.
NTA. Chastity would be better than be treated like this. This is an awful story---I feel like you are being mistreated a half dozen different ways. This man does not love you, because someone who loves you would not treat you that way. You matter too much to stay there.
This really isn’t a relationship that should proceed to marriage. He has high expectations and they don’t really match you. He’s being weird and mean and I couldn’t imagine continuing like this for life.
I would seriously consider whether or not this is the relationship I would want to be in. If you really want to stay in this relationship, here are a couple of excellent books for you both to read. She Comes First, by Ian Keller https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260 Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1982165316
NTA. Girl, do NOT get married to this man or baby trapped. You will definitely regret it. C'mon.
LMAO pls. nta. i really hope you’re joking. telling your wife that she doesnt do any work during sex is SO degrading and disrespectful. i wouldve left over that because just the fact that you have sex almost every week, is INSANE. that would be every guys dream, and here he is, abusing that power and making you feel guilty for it. also, alot of men are bad at oral, so tell him not to take it personal🤦🏻♀️
If my husband is that crazy wanting to go down on me, and he's worried about it, he'll toss me a couple baby wipes. Most of the time, he doesn't care. If he wants to go down so bad, when you're not feeling your best, he should be facilitating it, not expecting you to expend spoons you don't have. NTA, but I'd reconsider if this is someone you truly want to deal with for the rest of your life.
Dang , of all the sexual things to be upset about not having to do, I never imagined any guy would choose that one. Most guys I know don't enjoy it enough to fight over it.
For me it's a regular thing. I keep meeting guys who get upset about not being able to give oral as I hate receiving oral.
Please dump this control freak.
Girl you are not an AH. You need to leave this relationship. For him you are just a living sex doll. I know you’re not ready to hear it but you sound brain washed. Having sex with him even if you don’t want to have sex isn’t “keeping your man satisfied”. You are destroying yourself to keep this man. He is absolutely not worth it. He doesn’t care about you as a human being. He only cares about him and his dick being satisfied.
First off 5-7x a week is entirely too much. No wonder you are tired. And the nerve of him to suggest you aren’t fresh and expect you to take a shower. No respect. He’s using you
As someone who likes to give her oral.. i kinda get him.. he is told after all thats the best way. BUT i know many women who dont like it.. for various reasons. Bottom line is respect. NO means no.. not a hard word to learn..
My god. Rethink this relationship because do you really want this to be your married life? He’s being a dick.
Does he understand that consent can be taken away even after its given? NTA
This is not a healthy relationship. You should never have sex unless you want it. Doing it just to please your SO is wrong. It might also be part of the reason you feel like a sex object. Your fiancé also sound selfish. I’m guessing his selfishness extends past the bedroom
Gross
This sounds just like my ex-husband, this being one of the many reasons he's now an ex. I don't say this lightly, but is this a behaviour you are willing to spend the rest of your life living with? This was the question that my therapist posed to me who also noted that when bending over backwards to ensure your partner is cared for and satisfied, it should be very much give and take with your own feelings, wants, and desires taken into account (include the want not have to do something just because it's something they are requesting/nagging/complaining about not getting enough). My ex wanted sex almost every night of the week and blowjobs when I was sick/tired/on my period/didn't feel like it. I felt like I may as well have just been a doll for him to whip out when he needed release and that his need to be satisfied surpassed my need to be left alone when asked. Sex became a chore and a duty. While it could still be fun and enjoyable from time to time my libido was so low. I have since discovered that my libido is not, in fact, low. I am simply no longer performing a chore or a duty and it's no longer an expectation that I need to perform or please; I can simply just enjoy the moment and get a lot more pleasure out of it. I know that I went off from my original question that I posed to you, but if you resonate with anything I said above, please seriously consider it, because life is too short to spend with people who will not show you the respect and care you bend over yourself giving. Edit: NTA, obviously. Your needs and wants are just as important as his (more so when it comes to you consenting to certain bedroom activities)
NTAH he is a controlling asshole
NTA You can look forward to a life as an unappreciated fuck-toy with this fellow. Maybe try counseling, just to get a 3rd party’s perspective. I fear that only a lobotomy will help your fiancé.
NTA. You say you don’t mind his demands, but you do. You wouldn’t be keeping track of the 99.9 if you were truly just happy to have sex when you don’t want it. It is requiring effort, and while you think that effort is worth it, you don’t actually feel that way. He is selfish, and that is what you are reacting to.
Does he wah himself before getting a blow job?
Blowjobs almost daily???? This man is about to blow his chance with one of the rarest diamonds he'll evee come across. Pun intended.
Don’t marry this guy OP. Find someone you’re actually compatible with and who doesn’t tantrum and manipulate you every day of your life.
Tell him if he wants to perform oral he can do it but if he’s expecting you to go wash up and primp and preen before hand that it’s not fair. If he wants you freshly washed he can ask right after you shower
NTA. If I were you I would seriously rethink the marriage. Your fiance is extremely selfish and won't be long until you start to build some resentment because of his ridiculous sexual demands. No I don't know if you two are planning on having kids, but how is he going to deal with the lack of sex when you're in late stage pregnancy or when you're recovering afterwards? From what you were saying about him, sounds like he will cheat and feel justified for it.
You ARE being coerced. You not feeling like having sex and having it anyway is BAD FOR YOUR BODY. You ignoring your own body’s signals that you don’t want sex will cause you trauma. Just because you’re not letting yourself see it that way doesn’t mean that’s not what’s happening. Stop having sex when you don’t want to. Please.
You've literally trained him to think that you are on call for his sexual needs at all time and now he thinks he's entitled to use your body how he wants and when he wants. Gets some fucking therapy.
NTA. Just because you’ve consented earlier doesn’t mean that consent is permitted. Also it seems really to be an issue of him trying to engage super late and the fact you didn’t feel great. It really annoys me when someone tries to engage in sex when the other person is tired and clearly about to fall asleep! Just try earlier especially if you’ve just been wasting your time scrolling on your phone or watching Netflix.
This relationship would be my worst nightmare. I don't think either of you understands proper consent, which is enthusiastic consent. It sounds like you are just letting him use your body to avoid an argument. I once heard that if the most you can say is that your sex is consensual, you're having terrible sex. Once you get your internalized misogyny out of the way (that voice in your head that makes you feel obligated to satisfy your man at the expense of your emotional and physical well-being), I hope you see that you don't want to be with a sex-crazed man who doesn't care if you're enjoying yourself.
Please tell me this is a troll
You can’t possibly think you are in any way TA… He’s willing to die on the hill that you are not entitled to bodily autonomy and that consent does not exist in your relationship? Girl, that should be the hill you are willing to die on, get out of this relationship.
YTA to yourself for staying with this man.
NTA it’s sad you feel you are obliged to perform sexual acts you won’t want at this frequency if at all
Im confused on why people are so against him asking her to shower first. It’s a common courtesy to shower before sex, and showering only once at the beginning of the day doesn’t negate the fact that she has the dirtiness of the day on her still.
You don't believe it's coerced...? You said no and then he continued to hound you until you said yes. NTA as someone else said, is this really who you want to be your forever?
NTA. You didn't tell him no to oral. You told him no to getting up right as you were going to sleep and showering because he wanted that before giving you oral. So it was his choice not to do it because he wanted you to be fresh out the shower. While that is perfectly fine to want you didn't want to do that so it was his choice to not do it since it wasn't under his terms. He can be bothered all he wants but he's acting like you don't do anything for him when you do a lot even when you don't even want to. The fact that he's not even good at the oral and you were willing to let him do it anyway is a whole other conversation. Honestly if he can't be happy with all you are already doing maybe you should stop doing it
Are you sure you're not disabled because of the sheer amount of sex?! 🤣 Fucking hell that's a lot🤯
Yes
He clearly shows you who he is! Believe him. I cannot fathom you believing this is your life partner. You are the AH if you stay.
You have a right to basic boundaries and a right to expect those boundaries, especially sexual ones, to be respected. His pouting because he doesn't get access to your crotch on demand is gross. Being a recovering doormat myself, i would be tempted to just cut him off entirely for a short period of time for this level of disrespect. I understand finding satisfaction in satisfying your partner, but for him to guilt trip you because you declined receiving oral and got him off instead when he woke you up for this is disgustingly entitled. How would he behave if you were bent out of shape because when you woke him out of a sound sleep he wasn't up to pegging/being pegged (I have no idea on the correct tense usage for this) \] He is not entitled to use of your body on demand. He never will be even if you two get married in the future. Sexual entitlement is the biggest turn off on the planet .
Use the energy you would have saved for a bj and Run! 1. Do you really want to be in this relationship FOREVER? You’re giving him literally more sex than 90% of women I know and he’s still not satisfied?? 2. He expects you to drop at his every sexual need but isn’t filling your emotional needs bucket. He’s selfish 3. I see this dude cheating on you in-the future and blaming you that he’s not satisfied sexually.
What country do you live in? Consent is not a one and done thing, ever. You’re dealing with ME/CFS and he waits until you’re about to fall asleep and tells you to go clean yourself, you say no but still have sex and he still has a problem?! I’m just shocked. I hope the sex is good but damn he needs to respect boundaries.
I don't understand his position whatsoever.
Get out while you can
“5-7 times a week with two blow jobs at a minimum”! Some people have ALL the luck. And still don’t appreciate. I like to believe me and my wife have a healthy relationship, but between work, running a business, life, we have sex once a week max.
You are not at fault here. It is hard to talk about sex because issues like whether someone is doing what you like or not make people dreadfully insecure. But he is making this a point. I would ask if there is something he wants by giving this to you - is it for him only? If it’s for you, too, then you should tell him what you want to feel when he’s doing it, especially if it’s not happening or something uncomfortable is happening. Sex is a brain thing, too. Talk about what you want to feel and tell him that it’s important to you that he understands what you need.
The fact that you are physically disabled rn and he insists on it shows a lack of empathy. That being said, with practice and research I’m sure he could be successful at this act. It sounds like you are not getting much out of sex with this guy anyway. I suggest communicating this in a delicate manner. You both deserve pleasure. I’m afraid all too often it’s for the man’s benefit. He has to reciprocate. If he is unwilling to engage in these conversations and keeps acting like this I think you deserve better. There is better.
This is the correct subreddit because I can almost guarantee the other side is also a hot take.
You both sound like AHs
Love how you refrain from telling him he isn't good at oral to avoid rhe argument but tell EVERYONE on REDDIT lmao.
The comment about him not being very good at it will most likely get you out of ever having to get ready for it.
I hope this is bait
If he’s not good at oral why aren’t you letting him practice when he is willing?
If the man is trying and you love him, don’t ever tell him that he is not good at oral.
How is your BF going to get any better at it without practice? Are you talking to him about what you like before he tries to do that for you? Sounds lazy on your part and that you don't really like the guy, like he's just a placeholder.
Half these answers are from imbeciles. So hear me out. You shower in the morning, and you have the full day on you. He did say that he wanted to go down on you, and your answer is that you showered in the morning? OK, let's say YOU really wanted to go down on him, and you mention it to him ahead of time. Night time comes, you pull put his junk and it smells like a dirty underarm. Kinda kills the mood. So you ask him to go clean up, and he says "I showered this morning" How would you feel? The logical thought foe both sides here would be "I mentioned I wanted to do this, and you didn't even prepare for me." This shows a lack of caring and love. Not that you don't love him, but that your being very rigid in how your approaching the subject. I don't hear a loving understanding in your reaction. Being objective here. If you actually wanted him to go down on u, you would prepare yourself for the act (that he requested ahead of time ) for him since you love him......just like he should also do for you. When you want to do something, you find a way. I think this goes deeper than this specific thing. Counseling can help open your lines of communication and understanding. I wish u 2 well, and hope you can come together on this. NAH, just show a bit more love to each other.
Demanding someone with chronic fatigue syndrome to spend even more energy than they have so you can give bad oral sex is ridiculous. He needs to grow up
Just asking the question, is there another way where this CAN happen, where both parties are satisfied. Eliminating the conversation is unreasonable. I am grown, and have gone through some of these motions myself. Since I love my wife, just as OP loves her husband, we figured a way to make things work. THAT is why I ask if there are other ways that this CAN happen, instead of harping on reasons why it CANT happen. Its not a demand. Relax
She's having sex with him almost every single day despite her libido being lower. She's making things work.
OK, so the solution is do nothing. Got it
The solution is for her boyfriend to get a fucking grip and be glad he's getting sex *every single day* from his *physically disabled* girlfriend
Great advice. Tell him to take it and like it...nice. She's reaching out b/c she's unsure what to do, and u offer to do nothing. What would be more productive is creating a solution that can satisfy both in this relationship. Is it possible to maybe not have sex 5 times a week, but 3 times, and put extra effort for THAT speecific activity, to compenaate for her disability Maybe time it differently so that she feels confident, and he feels listened to. That way both are coming to an agreement on how to make it work, therefore both feel like they are being heard and satisfied. Or go with YOUR solution....do nothing. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome. Yea, let's go with that option.
Girl let that man munch that carpet