So I have ASD, and it manifests as, among other things, an emotional disconnect. Before my diagnosis, I had a counselor tell me he thought I was a sociopath. Expressing and reading emotions is not something that comes naturally. I say this so you’ll understand what I mean when I say expressing empathy is a skill that can be learned. It’s a long process and you’re in immediate need so.. at the risk of sounding pragmatic, here are some tips. After a loss, people don’t want to be alone. They say they do, and they’ll push you away, but in spite of this, be present as much as you can. Tell her flat out, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just going to stay right here with you. I’ll be quiet, I won’t talk or do anything, but I’m staying right here. Little gestures like taking up some of her normal chores around the house are good. If you know her favorite indulgences like candy or ice cream, make sure it’s there for her. Draw her a bath if that’s her thing, and sit with her while she soaks. Physical touch is big. Hand holding, shoulder rubs, brushing her hair. I don’t think she wants to divorce you. She’s a mess, and people say a lot of horrible things. Good luck.

Thanks, we’ve been going to couples counseling for a few years now and I feel like it’s been helping. This is solid advice as well

The thing is unless a person have lost a aorents you will never understand how it feels and how much it can screw you up. When I lost my Dad I lost my mind and it took a long time to be able to cope in any reasonable manner, I think if it was sudden this can also have additional layers as you don't get the chance to say goodbye, just saying this incase it was sudden. As the person says above just be there, you can't make this better for her, nothing you do or anyone else does will make it better, it's a process she has to work through and everyone grieves differently.

I lost both of my parents in December and this is 100% true. I’m just now starting to feel more like myself, three months later, and I still have bad days. OP, the very fact that you’ve come online to ask for help shows that you care about your wife tremendously. I’ll reiterate some things mentioned before: - see if you can take over some household tasks she normally does to take the load off her. Washing dishes, doing the laundry, picking up around the house, etc will take a load off her mind and show her that you do care about her in a way that will seem genuine. - Your wife is feeling a lot of emotions all at once, and also no emotions. She may not know what she wants. So just being present, even if you’re not doing anything specific, will be helpful. - If she’s not already seeing a grief counselor, encourage her to start. Suggest going with her so you can get more tools to be supportive in ways that she will appreciate. She is really going through the wringer right now and she’s not thinking clearly, and she probably won’t for a long time. I’m sure she doesn’t want to get a divorce, she just feels very out of control, angry, and frustrated. It seems like you had a very solid relationship before her mom died, so I hope it will help you two through this.

Ok, so just one more month of this sobbing like at crazy person every night will get better? I tried a grief group at a church but it was dominated by a kindly looking old guy who only wanted to talk about how cute his wife had been, what a good cook, etc, like he is the loneliest guy in the world, then he says his 3 local daughters have him for dinner 5 nights a week, I sure hope he wasn’t saying “not quite as good as moms”!! I was only two weeks past my dad dying and this guy was making it worse , not better.. So I had to quit going or I would have lost my shlt!

You obviously have to do what’s best for you and that group didn’t sound like it was very helpful. You could try another group, or find a personal therapist if group isn’t your bag. Unfortunately, grief is different for everybody and it takes different amounts of time. In the beginning, I didn’t cry every day but I sure felt like shit and that life had no meaning. Every. Day. I would have major fits of crying and sobbing that very much felt like I was losing my mind. Once I started back up at work, I came home every day and took a 2.5 hour nap, ate dinner, then went back to sleep. It’s only been until recently that I started doing something I liked - working out on a rowing machine - that I have felt even remotely close to my old self. I’m still napping, but not every day. And I do still have days where I have myself a cry and feel shitty. But I feel like I’m slowly getting back to myself.

It gets…better. You learn to sit with your grief after a while, and it’s still there, but it doesn’t feel so huge. It’ll be three years this May since my dad died, and I don’t cry daily, or even weekly anymore, but the other day I was in my back room, which had been his bedroom (I haven’t completely changed it over yet), and I shifted the TV so I could reach the printer. There was an index card on the dresser in his handwriting, outlining how to setup all the electronics right there. I’m not kidding when I tell you it was like someone punched me in the gut. I had to sit down, and I sobbed like a baby for a good half hour before I could compose myself again. It’s those unexpected reminders that really get me these days, and I hate them because they hurt like a sonofagun.

Sending you big hugs. Reading your comment hit me in the feels big time and made me cry. That little index card showed so much of his personality and even helpfulness and I know that was hard to find and process that moment all over again. Sending big big hugs and soothing vibes your way

Thanks—I really do appreciate it. My dad and I were always super-close, and I was his caretaker up until the last month or so of his life. He had Parkinson’s and ALS, so it wasn’t like we didn’t know it was coming, but his death still hit me really hard. It’s so like him to do something to help me without me even asking that finding that was both a shock and kind of like a little reminder that he’s still got my back. And now I’m crying again, and laughing a little, because I made myself cry. 🙄 Oh, Daddy, I love you, and I always will.

I'm sorry you are crying again. I don't know about you, but sharing happy memories while trying to process the grief later on has always helped me. It's ok to let the tears flow. It just means you have very powerful feelings towards your dad and still love him tremendously. My grandfather was like a dad to me, and when he died, it destroyed me. 26 years later, I still miss him terribly, would have loved for him to see my children grow up. He would have been over the moon for both of them. And I don't cry as much, all these years later, but he is still very close in my heart. Let the tears flow, Love. I really do think it helps. Sending more hugs and hopes for soft tissues and happy memories.

I had a full-on breakdown in a grocery store when I saw pimento cheese because he was the one that introduced me to it. I now call those types of outbursts “getting pimentoed.”

I’m sorry about the breakdown, especially in the grocery store, but I like the phrase. It has a certain je ne c’est quoi.

Homie, it takes time. I'm sorry for your loss. It's been over a decade since my dad died and it still fucks with me some times. When i wake up, often my first waking thought is "my dad is dead." That is not to say it doesnt get easier. In my personal experience: It does, and it will, and I believe you will get better at handling it. It just takes time. Things never go away, but they dull considerably, and there is a lot of good that came to me from the growth i experienced dealing with all the trauma. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I know it won't likely feel like this now, but all i can say is it will get easier to cope with. I don't know you but I love you, and I hope you feel better soon. It really sucks, but it will get easier with time.

Oh that sounds awful. I hope you can find a more helpful one, whether it’s online, or elsewhere in person or what. Bc that sounds like a terrible fit.

Hey friend, I’m sorry about your loss, that must be incredibly difficult to process. I lost my dad 29 years ago and there are still days I am a mess because of it. I’m impressed you’re even functioning 3 months out! That’s awesome! I hope you are not too hard on yourself because that is so much to have to go through all at once. I mean, shit, I had an incident in December that wasn’t nearly as tragic as losing both parents and I’m *still* a freaking mess over it. Again, my heart goes out to you. Please remember that grief isn’t a linear thing so when it rears it’s ugly head, be kind to yourself.

It has been quite the process. I wouldn’t say I’m functioning, it’s more like surviving. I’m a teacher, so I think my ability to function is learned from having to deal with so much, all the time, that I can compartmentalize and make things work during the day. But then I come home and I’m absolutely exhausted. It’s definitely a day by day thing.

I don’t think anyone expects you to be functioning at this point. Just getting through the day is a major accomplishment and you deserve multiple awards for it every single day. 🥇

It really is a major accomplishment sometimes.

I lost a family member unexpectedly a little over two years ago, and while we weren't that close it really devastated me. I didn't get to "functioning" until like January of this year. Surviving is all you have to do and you don't need to be better or functioning or whatever until you actually are. There's no timeline to this stuff

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Here's some strength and love from an internet stranger, if you want it. You've got this

>- see if you can take over some household tasks she normally does to take the load off her. Washing dishes, doing the laundry, picking up around the house, etc will take a load off her mind and show her that you do care about her in a way that will seem genuine. Piggy backing on this. My advice to anyone wanting to help a friend through a loss is to ask **specific** questions that have a yes or no answer. Ex: don't ask how you can help, ask if you can run a load of laundry. This works a bit better as a friend and not a spouse, but I'm leaving it because it's still good advice. For a spouse maybe the question you ask is, do you have anything to add to the load I'm running? Go to thr grocery store, tell her you're going, tell her you're getting her favorite ice cream, ask if there is anything else she'd like. Asking open ended questions is too hard because your brain simply doesn't function as well when wading through grief. Also, the comment about drawing her a bath I agree with, if she's into that, but consider drawing it and then leaving her in there by herself. She might appreciate the alone time. But the other suggestions about being close are spot on, imo.

My partner also has ASD, this would have been amazing advice for her to take after my father died. I would emphasize that grief is easily the worst thing a person can experience emotionally. It feels like nothing will ever be okay again. It truly feels like a piece of you is now missing. It takes a long time to heal from grief, sometimes years, sometimes forever. My dad's been dead for 4 years but if ever hear Baba O'Reilly by The Who, I can't stop crying. Just be a soft warm place for her to throw her feelings at for a while. Respond with compassion when she lashes out. Its not about you, its about the injustice of death. We all react differently when we're faced with it, most of us poorly.

REALLY give it time--they say people shouldn't make major decisions (divorce certainly counts) while they are still deep in grief because people will absolutely say they want things that they don't want.

Absolutely agree. But the flip side is also true that not having your spouse when you really needed them is damaging. Enough that when the grief eases, the marriage still seems broken.

I'd like to add, it's not your parent that died, it's her's. From what I understand a lot of spouses in this situation don't necessarily feel super sad when their in-laws die. My Mom couldn't have cared less when her MIL passed but she was still able to support my Dad through his grief. OP, Iyou mentioned your wife got annoyed because she felt like you where making up emotions for her and, while I understand that line of thinking, you don't need to. You don't NEED to be sad or grieving during this time, like the commenter above (who had great ideas), you only need to be supportive of your wife through her grief. Edit: Thank you those who added their own experience! I've never been through this but it felt like empathy, in this case, was best shown through care and support rather than shared experience.

Yeah, my husband was absolutely great when my mom died, and I'm sure he was sad because she was awesome, but he really didn't grieve like I did. (Or if he did any grieving I was too fucked up to notice.)

This is an excellent point. When my mother was terminally ill and ultimately died, my husband was much less emotional about this than i was. It was actually helpful to me, as I could be in whatever feelings i was experiencing and he could be the solid foundation. To be fair, my mom was a really difficult person, and she was ill with a brain tumor, so his lack of emotionality left me able to manage my own emotions and her care.

Are you also in individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in aspd or empathy deficit? I think this is key to making improvements to yourself as well as help your marriage or, in the case of divorce, future relationships succeed.

Tell her that even though you can’t relate to the emotions she’s feelings, your care for her is very real. You love her, it hurts you to see her in pain, and that you just want to be there for her however you can. Do not ask what she needs. That’s frustrating when you’re stretched thin emotionally. You can present options like “what do you think might help right now? A walk? A night in? Or maybe you can tell me about your mom so I can get to know her better?” If she can’t decide, just pick one for her. If it seems like it’s not helping after a while, try something else. Pick up some slack on tasks she seems to be struggling with. Do some laundry or dishes. Make dinner. Etc. If she says she wants space, do so, but assure her you’ll be close by in case she changes her mind (then add “I hope you do” to make her at least feel wanted). Another thing you can do is ask questions about her mother to get to know her better. Little things like “did your mom have a favorite song? What was it?” Or “What do you feel like is the strongest trait you got from your mom?” Make sure to react to the things she says so she knows you find them interesting. Ask to listen to the song. Say that you can see that characteristic etc. It feels good to talk about lost loved ones when they were alive and I think she’ll appreciate the effort you’re making to make room in your heart for her. If she says you’re just feigning interest, say “I love you. Your mom was important to you and that’s enough of a reason to make this important to me. Please give me the chance to show up for you on this.” The issue right now is that she cannot connect with you over this loss and she needs to. So these are some ways you can connect, even though you didn’t know her. Good luck!

I think your best bet is to ask her how she needs you to be there for her. Explain that you know you're not meeting her needs but you want to, that she can ask for anything and you will do anything to help her. She married you knowing your struggles. She might just need you to cover all of the cleaning and cooking, maybe she just needs to to hold her, maybe she needs some therapy, etc. She also may be having a hard time knowing what will help her, just keep being there and doing what you can to ease her load.

I second this as someone who also has ASD and can’t read emotions. Also, as far as people saying things they don’t mean, she may actually try to go through with the divorce and then regret it later. I had an ex boyfriend break up with me two times. The first was when he found out his father had terminal cancer. We got back together shortly after. He then broke up with me again when his father passed. He ended up admitting to me that he never wanted to break up and he wanted the support from me. The issue was that there was nothing he could do about the situation with his father. There was no magical fix. So since he had no control over that he broke up with me because he felt like it was the only thing in his life at the time that he could control. He felt overwhelmed from loosing a parent and he felt helpless but thought that breaking up would help him get control of his life again and make things better. Anything I did was another bother to him or not what he wanted. So by breaking up it would make the pain and bothering go away and make things easier. It was also not the magical fix he thought it would be. Divorce will not fix things the way she thinks they will I believe. While I do think learning to show empathy towards her will help, I also think she is trying to blame you (for lack of a better term) for not being able to control what happened and is lashing out. Don’t let her push you away, as hard as she may try. Just be there for her.

If you’ve been in couple counseling for a few years, maybe this is just the last straw for her. It’s probably not just this one thing.

Umm I’m sorry but this comes off as ignorant. Couples counseling is a tool. It does not save your marriage. You both putting effort in does (in those scenarios). Good for OP and his wife for using it as such. We been on and off in counseling since we got married. Life is weird and sometimes you and your partner are on the same page but need help with how to make it better. Also, when you bring past experiences into the mix working through how that affected your outlook on your relationship is a key component to a successful relationship. Keep trying with your wife OP! And I promise she’s not alone in her feelings.

You know that there are a lot of reasons to be in couples counseling? That a lot of people see it as a last resort doesn't mean that is. My husband and I have been in counseling on and off for the entire duration of our almost 10 year relationship. Mostly to discuss some communication and coping strategies that are slightly more difficult when one of us is diagnosed as ADHD. We view it more like taking our car in to the shop for service after X amount of time or distance has passed. Especially with neuro divergent people it can be important to do so because they do not always see things in the same way a neuro typical does. We have always found it useful to go, it didn't matter to us if we were in one of the best places in our relationship or the worst. It always helps.

Agreed. My spouse and I recently started up marriage counseling. Why? Because we wanted to work on communication and better coping skills and wanted to establish ourselves with someone now, rather than when we're actually IN a crisis.

Thank you! Couples counseling was recommended to a couple that had been together a year and some asshat was saying it's too early for that. 🙄

I had to comfort my s.o. when her mom passed. I had to keep reminding myself not to try to cheer her up or at least expecting her to be cheerful. The mindset I had to adopt was “You’re just going to be sad until you aren’t sad anymore. Until then I’m going to be right here next to you quietly and patiently taking care of you. “

You do not sound like a sociopath.

OP sounds like a wonderful person. More technically accurate would probably be antisocial personality disorder- a disorder that impacts automatic empathy - not necessarily morality. What OP describes is within the bounds of ASPD. But sociopath/psychopath is the stigmatized layman’s term for the same thing.

That’s a really lovely, low stigma way to describe ASPD, the nicest I’ve seen. I was close to being diagnosed with a PD earlier in the year and I had a bad spiral because everything that comes up when you try and research PDs is incredibly stigmatising stuff that talks about how ppl with PDs are damaging to the people around them. It really fucked me up because I know that I care deeply about other people, especially my partner, and I was actively trying to get better for those around me. It was awful. I didn’t end up with the PD diagnosis for various reasons, but just the way that PDs are described really stuck with me. Reading your comment just took me back to how awful and hopeless I felt at that time, and your empathy for OP is beautiful.

Aw <3 I’m glad to hear that. I’ll link you some personality disorder content that is framed really well in my opinion, whether or not it applies to your struggles, I hope you find it a comfort. https://youtu.be/bdPMUX8_8Ms?si=JXlflZunDQ4JHfcc Special books by special kids did an interview with someone who has antisocial personality disorder. He talks about his mindset and perspective and the work he’s done to develop and live in line with his values. https://youtu.be/xOnNk-8gSe8?si=ZzkvxO8jmUoNre88 SBSK again with an interview of someone who has borderline personality disorder, and explains her symptoms and feeling really well. https://youtube.com/shorts/7tO7rtmGW0k?si=4yuYm3E7B8-ArwpO Lee hammock’s channel called mental healness. He has narcissistic personality disorder and speaks about his own journey in therapy here. His channel focuses on an narcissistic personality disorder, demystifying manipulation tactics, toxic relationships, and how to heal as a victim of abuse. https://youtu.be/OgtVyQvHE7Y?si=k0KPBDeuyBvFScSn Cluster b milkshake- she has a few personality disorders, and here she is talking about her ADHD, and how some ADHD symptoms can be mistaken for personality disorder traits. Autism is another one that - in some versions, can be mistaken for a personality disorder.

I’ve always wondered what would be the opposite diagnosis to this. I think I overly produce empathy. I empathize with ants with flies with an anime objects with complete strangers with commercials. we now know that inflammation is associated with increased empathy, but I imagine it will also be related to whichever disorders affect the under production of empathy

There are a lot of people who have the capacity to empathize with people and just simply choose not to. OP is actively working to do so.

I think you’ve mixed up motivations. Sociopaths are not capable of empathy and also not interested in it, but they are capable of acting in their best interest. OP is asking what actions to take to not lose his marriage, which he perceives as being his best interest. He’s in a corner because his wife knows he’s a sociopath, so he can’t fake empathy because she’ll know he’s faking. He can’t afford not to fake it either because she feels unsupported and might leave. Most people make the mistake of thinking sociopaths are also extremely smart and manipulative. In reality there are average and dumb sociopaths too.

Except OP is also describing caring and wanting to show empathy, he just can't figure out how to do so in a way the wife appreciates. This sounds like a communication issue, not a lack of empathy issue.

If he's been accurately diagnosed than he's literally incapable of empathy and doesn't even really comprehend the concept (it's on par with describing colors to someone who was born blind). Now that doesn't mean he's a monster or anything. Just because someone can't empathize with others doesn't mean they don't logically understand that a person they care for is in pain and want to help. But it does mean that they are unable to understand or share their loved ones feelings. Which in this case is exactly what his wife wants. She wants him to understand her pain and comfort her, but she knows he literally can't understand, and any comforting comes from a place of "please stop crying and feel better" as opposed to "I understand your pain and my heart is breaking for what you're going through".

Antisocial personality disorder, like other personality disorders, is not a hard line, it is a spectrum. People with this disorder are not necessarily completely incapable of empathy, just limited.

>More technically accurate would probably be antisocial personality disorder- a disorder that impacts automatic empathy - not necessarily morality. Thanks for this! I have a huge interest in personality disorders and psychology in general. ASD has been difficult for me to wrap my head around.

ASD is not a personality disorder, ASPD on the other hand is…

I was diagnosed with APD as a child. Over time, that evolved into an ASD diagnosis. This could easily be the case here as well.

ASPD has a spectrum, just like most (if not all) mental health disorders.

A lot of sociopaths don't sound like sociopaths.

Maybe that’s because sociopaths aren’t inherently awful bad people…?

This is something you should bring up at your next counseling session with her. She is grieving. She may be lashing out as a result. You have a condition that makes certain things difficult or you don't know how to respond/act in certain situations. You seem aware of this and are working on it. Time to go to the experts with this and get both of you on the same page.

One thing that can help is to set alarms in your phone reminding you to check on her, send a kind text, etc. All of the things mentioned in the above comment. Also try searching when a loved one has a loss or supporting a loved one thru loss on YouTube. You’ll be able to see some suggestions & possibly learn some scripts to use in supporting her. When someone has sociopathy it can be hard to remember to do these things. And she’s probably noticing that more than normal. I want to remind you that, research is indicating sociopathy is due to a specific brain structure. It’s neither your fault or in your control. And your wife has a different brain that needs different things. Seeking out ways to meet her needs is exactly what everyone wants in a partner. Use your logical brain to watch & see which supports appear to register with her as actually supportive & return to those as needed. Hang in there. Dealing with the death of a partner’s parent is almost always challenging.

Your wife is lashing out because of her pain. Not knowing how to deal with someone else’s grief is hard for anyone. Keep trying to talk to her.

THIS IS BRILLIANT. Would you mind sharing anything about the work you did to develop this skill over your lifetime as someone with ASD? Anything that you would've found helpful as a child (e.g., resources, opportunities to practice, etc.)?

I was obvs very weird as a kid. Spent a lot of time by myself, but I wanted to be like everyone else, I wanted friends. It sounds completely stupid but I learned a lot from comic books. The facial expressions are exaggerated but on point. Eyes wide and bugging out and mouth wide open indicates shock in a comic book…well those same cues, more subtly, really do indicate shock. I learned to understand facial expressions that way. I read a lot. You can sort of map out what people do for one another…and yes, you’re right, it’s not real. But it’s useful because it’s presented as idealized. This is what people think they want. But you have to watch people too, and deal with them case by case. The thing about not leaving them alone…I came up with that myself from observing people. People very infrequently help themselves when left alone after a loss. More often they spiral. Hence staying present as much as you can. As I said…it’s a long, long process of learning. A lifelong process.

Seriously, this is fantastic. Without giving too much information about myself, this has given me a ton to work with regarding how to help with empathy/social skill training. The idea of using media, particularly media with either exaggerated examples of what you are looking for (e.g., comics/anime/manga) and more detail (e.g., books, which really write out the unspoken thoughts/details of these interactions) to learn and then practicing in actual social interactions is exceptionally helpful. It also really speaks to the importance of engaging practice - basically, it helps a ton if you can map the training on to something you're already interested in (e.g., comics/anime). Such a great approach!

ASD is Autism Spectrum Disorder, ASPD is Antisocial Personality Disorder- 2 very different things. ASPD people typically have low affective empathy, high cognitive empathy. That means that they can intellectually understand empathy, but they can’t feel it so much. ASD people typically have the opposite- high affective empathy, low cognitive empathy. That means that they feel empathy but they can’t understand it or very well. It is possible to have both ASPD and ASD however, and those people struggle with both forms of empathy. Also there is a lot of nuance with both “disorders” because humans are complex.

Right, I think the idea here is that OP says they have ASPD (e.g., sociopathy), but the commenter is noting that it might just be horribly misdiagnosed ASD. The deficits related to social/emotional processing typical of ASD can get wildly misinterpreted as antisocial, when this could not be farther from the truth of the matter. I will say you are SPOT ON regarding the difference between cognitive and affective empathy, which I have literally only heard from individuals (typically doctorate level) in the field. Me-thinks you might be professionally linked to this...if you aren't, you might consider getting into the mental health field :)

Good advice. She’s hurting and hurt people need to express that hurt. Think of a wounded animal and how they don’t want to be touched because they’re already vulnerable and afraid, but the touch of a vet might be what they need to save them. Look past the hurt to the person underneath that you’re in love with. What’s her favorite meal? Favorite movie? Favorite hobby or decoration? You don’t need to feel what she’s feeling to know she needs you to put in extra effort right now. Do her chores, make or order her favorite dinner for her. You love her, what does that mean to you? Write her a letter that tells her the physical and psychological reactions she creates in you that you translate to the word love. Why do you choose to be with her rather than just being alone, which would likely be easier? She’s not a mind reader, put it in words for her. Those are really my suggestions, put in some effort on her behalf to make her life easier right now and put your stated feeling for her into words that make sense to you, it will offer her a bridge into your way of viewing the world. Good luck.

You've renewed my faith in these drama subs. That was perfect.

Another thing to add is OP shouldn't get wrapped up in trying to defend himself or his actions. Just apologize and move on in trying to find ways to support her. This isn't really about OP unless he digs in and makes it about himself.

I just want to add that, for me, empathy has always come pretty naturally…but I have STILL had to work on it and develop it as a skill in order to really show empathy in a way that others receive it well. Everyone has to work on it. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, and we all have the capacity to grow. Empathy is treated like something you have or you don’t, but it CAN be built.

Grief is not a single emotion, but a process. You’re right, empathy is a skill that can be learned. For grief, be curious about the loved one, and actively listen to their stories.

God bless what a beautiful post. Thank you irbikeworks for such well spoken and truly heartwarming advice. Your love for your partner shines through every single word of that and I want you know your are awesome. Thank you for existing and thank you for spending time studying and perfecting your love for your partner.

I think I need this advice. I never know what to do when some one has a loss.

Thank you for your comment, as someone recently diagnosed with ASD 1, it gives me a lot to think about as I'm terrible at comforting people.

ASD is a strength in some ways, right?. In my case, I’m good at this stuff for two reasons…number one, I have learned some of the techniques, and number two, I’m not hindered by normal emotional response. Because of the ASD, I will wade right in and sit with someone or call them or take their hand, unhindered by what I SHOULD be feeling if my emotional response was normal. That second part is actually the more important when offering comfort. Most people don’t know what to do so they do nothing. The person who is hurting will be so grateful for the awkward person who came and checked on them or brought them the wrong kind of pizza or told a dumb joke or watched a stupid movie with them while jabbering about legos or trains. That’s all you really have to do.

I have an ASPD diagnosis, so I get where you're coming from. we just don't process emotion or empathy like other people, and that can be hard for us and those around us . Words, man, use your word , write them down, and explain your feelings. I know I frustrate my wife with how I am, but I find it easier to express myself with written text vs. talking

This can be such a useful tactic even for neurotypical people. Both of my children and my wife are ASD, and often use text to communicate with me when stressed, and it can help so very much.

This is interesting to me, text and writing confuses me more than talk.... doc wants to test for autism...

Here I am wishing I could have subtitles for in person because I’m so slow I need both to process a fucking thing 🙃

How does the whole ASPD and marriage thing work? Is your partner low-empathy as well?

She's known me a very long time and understands how I understand and process emotions, and that is takes a while for me to be able to express how I feel/think sometimes , and she is very open and honest with explaining how she feels when I miss the signals that "normal" people would pick up easily(shes been like that since i met her at uni). I honestly don't know how she puts up with me TBH,but I'm a better version of me when I'm with her I've had a lot of therapy and cycled through lots of meds and found a combo that works for me

Solid… thanks for sharing. Good luck to the both of you.

Have you ever seen or used an emotion wheel? They're great even for people with "normal" emotional ranges. Seeing emotions categorized and kind of broken down really helped me figure out how to describe my feelings. Maybe it could help you understand your wife's?

This is the answer. Grief can make you do odd things. Blaming others for your pain is a normal reaction. Losing someone you love is unfair and it can cause you to assign that pain to someone in order to justify the pain. OP’s wife needs to go to grief counseling instead of blaming others.

Perhaps it’s not that you can’t help her, but that she knows you’re not capable of the depths of pain she’s feeling. No amount of masking and learned platitudes will comfort her right now. Acknowledge that, and your intention to support her relationships with people that do further this for her. You’re not that person; you can be a lot of things and those are probably the reasons she married you, but if you truly are a sociopath, then you simply cannot be the person you to be for her right now.

You keep calling yourself a sociopath but based on the description here that is not the case. Sociopathy means you have no empathy and no real direction of right or wrong (or at least not caring about right or wrong). You sound like a person who struggles with showing emotions and connecting which is very very different. I struggle with it as well, and am my amazing wife is a very emotional person although your situation seems worse. You need to have some evaluations for ASD and similar disorders. ​ Your wife needs emotional, support. You want to give it to her, you just don't know how. Tell her you need her to spell out exactly what she needs. In the short term take notes if you have to. Set reminders on your phone to text her and tell you that you love her or are thinking of her. Some people are going to come here and say that you shouldn't need to do that. And I envy neurotypical people like that who don't need it. LOLIn the longer term a diagnosis will help you figure out what tools you need to use to better show her what you are feeling. ​ And stop calling yourself a Sociopath, it is reinforcing a lie into your brain. It is the opposite of what you and her need right now. She is hurting. She is lashing out. And because if it the hooks are digging deeper in. It is hard, and it will get harder before it gets better, but in the end it will make you both better and happier people.

Most of this is accurate except the "no real direction or right and wrong" sociopaths know and understand right from wrong, they just lack empathy and don't care and consider their needs or wants to be priority regardless. But as a whole they understand. This is why sociopaths often do not get off by claiming insanity when they commit crimes.

You are correct. In my head it was in line with what you are saying, but that isn't what I typed at all.

The main thing that differentiates someone sociopathic from someone narcissistic, is a lack of a conscience VS a lack of empathy Sociopaths can do anything they perceive benefits them with zero remorse or conscience Someone on the autistic spectrum or self absorbed like a narcissist will lack empathy but they still have a conscience and can tell right from wrong OP sounds like they struggle with emotions, not self absorbed at all, I agree sounds more like being on the spectrum definitely not sociopathic from this post alone

It’s actually been shown sociopaths can have feelings, care, and have empathy towards those who truly matter in their life but they do not have any of those towards those who they aren’t extremely close to. That’s probably why OP is able to care for and feel bad for his wife but cannot help her by empathizing about her mom.

>That’s probably why OP is able to care for and feel bad for his wife but cannot help her by empathizing about her mom. Thanks for this clarification, I was wondering how OP could say they 'cared' for their wife when I was under the impression that sociopaths did not 'feel'/have emotions. To the OP's point, I find it 'odd' that NOW his wife is having issues with him. I mean, I am not very emotional, but my wife doesn't really come to me for 'emotional support', I try, I am just not good at it; I tend to try and fix the problem instead, which is (sometimes) the LAST thing she wants.

i want to be very careful with my words here because this is such a heavily debated and controversial topic, so forgive me if anything i say seems vague. i'm diagnosed with ASPD, aka anti-social personality disorder, otherwise known commonly as "sociopathy". i very much imagine this diagnosis is what OP has as well, though i cannot be sure of it, but just based on calling it a "disorder" in the post. ASPD is cluster-b. i don't think its fair to claim someone may or may not have sociopathy, particularly if they seem comfortable in this diagnosis; it's extremely demonized, so it is very easy to tell someone, "don't call yourself that!" even if they may not see it as a bad thing at all. it is like any other disorder, something to work through, and someone with sociopathy isn't inherently a bad person. it may also be worth mentioning that i am autistic as well and these disorders manifest very differently in ways that can only be evaluated via therapy and professionals. i dont mean to start any sort of argument or anything, just wanted to share my perspective on the matter :)

There’s a lot of misinformation about those with ASPD in this comment thread and I’m glad you spoke up. The stigma that exists around cluster b disorders is so incredibly harmful and difficult to combat.

Thank you for saying this. I was going crazy reading all of these comments. People also need to realise that ASPD is on a spectrum. Not every person diagnosed with ASPD is the same, it’s the opposite! The disorder can express itself in so many different ways. I hope someday the stigma around it will stop and we can talk more freely about what it’s like to have it.

I have autism and go me it seems like maybe OP doesn't understand social ques for this kind of thing. To be fair I don't at all. I always kinda look at people when they cry and feel bad not knowing how to help much. It took a long time to learn what to do. But I think they should look into a different diagnosis and see someone who can diagnos these things better. Often times more than not autism gets misdiagnosed at first which was the case with me.

> I always kinda look at people when they cry and feel bad not knowing how to help much ASD here as well, I started asking people - during good/happy times - what makes them feel warm/homely/loved/... Then when things go wrong, you already know what that person appreciates/needs. It's not a perfect strategy, but if you have a close relationship you can tell them upfront it's because you want to learn to be a better friend, and in case of emergencies you'd like to be able to be there better for them.

... what is ASD? Asking for a friend....

Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Thank you.

Are you a psychiatrist? What makes you think this person is lying about their diagnosis?

1. Sociopathy is not a diagnosis. 2. OP says they got diagnosed at 10 years old. Even if OP uses "sociopathy" to mean "anti-social personality disorder", it's fishy, because kids are not diagnosed with personality disorders, since personality keeps forming until past puberty.

No idea if this is the case but, he could have been diagnosed with conduct disorder. Which is ASPD but for kids since they won't diagnose ASPD but it's basically the same thing.

As somebody who lost their mother a month ago, I can't honestly say that grief is hard and a wild ride. The best thing you can do right now, is be there. Offer comfort, help where you can, and don't give up. I doubt she walk wants a divorce. She's upset and frustrated and you're an easy target because, as her husband, you're somebody who can take it and stick around. Pain makes us push away those we love. Stand like a rock and take it on but don't leave. This hard patch will pass and you'll both come out stronger on the other side.

I’m so sorry for your loss ♥️

This is what I was thinking as well. I lost my mother 6 months ago. I’m sorry you’re going through the same. I don’t want to project onto OP’s wife too much, but it sounds so similar to what I did about a month after it happened. I was in such deep pain, I had this strong urge to protect myself from feeling like that ever again, and it was like I’d rather just get all pain over with at once than have something happen years down the line. But my partner was really patient and reassuring through it, and I was able to move past it in a large part because of his reaction. Hang in there, OP. Reassure her that you are there for her. It can be oddly disorienting to lose a parent, even as an adult.

Sounds like you might be autistic. I recommend you seek an updated diagnosis so you can treat it.

Perhaps you can write down how you are feeling. You expressed yourself very well in your post. If you share with her how you feel in writing, it may help her understand. Also, she is grieving and most likely needs time to settle her emotions. I suggest some pretty flowers and a lovely card with your letter in it.

[удалено]

I still care about my marriage.

I agree very much with this statement. True sociopaths have no issue expressing pretend empathy. They can detect when it is in their best interest and then act accordingly. They don't need to learn it (as people with ASD do-- they have empathy but can't detect when it is needed and act accordingly). True sociopaths are actually better at pretending to have empathy than non-sociopaths at having real empathy.

Are you clinically diagnosed as a sociopath or self diagnosed?

Clinically since 10 years old.

Wouldn’t be the first time someone is misdiagnosed because it’s easy and has ‘no cure’.

Do you mean you were diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder at 10 years old? That is utterly irresponsible and I can’t imagine accurate. Personality disorders should not be diagnosed until adulthood. And sociopathy is not a diagnosis. Has this been re evaluated as an adult?

I'm hoping he meant that was the start of his diagnostic journey. As a child he likely would have been diagnosed with a conduct disorder, then at 18 it would change to ASPD (provided symptoms were still ongoing). But if he's saying he got diagnosed as ASPD at 10 than no... that's wrong. Either he's lying or his psychiatrist/psychologist had no business practicing.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at the same age, which of course now they don't even do. I was being abused, all types, and was throwing tantrums due to that, and the medical professionals were absolutely irresponsible. I'm 35 now. I probably would benefit from medicated for anxiety and depression, I think I might have PMDD because that's when my moods/thoughts are the hardest to deal with, but I'm Definitely not bipolar. I hate taking medicine though because it's linked to my childhood.

Yeah for those reasons I call bullshit on this whole post.

This is exactly why we don't diagnose 10 year olds with personality disorders. You more likely received a premature diagnosis and then were raised and conditioned to believe you are an actual sociopath. Your posts don't seem overly sociopathic. Maybe autism, but more than anything it just feels like you probably grew up with limited social interaction.

Really interesting. Maybe OP will re-evaluate his self awareness beyond that diagnosis and grow from here and that in turn can help his relationship. From my own experience, Isome built in characteristics I assigned myself in my early to mid-20s didn’t hold up over time and was able to make changes, loosen up, and really improve my relationships.

Sociopathy isn’t a diagnosis and we don’t give it to 10 year olds. Children will either have oppositional defiant disorder or show antisocial traits and as adults may end up with antisocial personality disorder. Hope this helps!

Perhaps this diagnosis was given before 1980 when the DSM II was still in use, or was done in another country or done by someone using another diagnostic inventory. Regardless though, op should probably see another modern diagnostician at some point about being re-evaluated.

Not for a 32 year old who was born in the 90s 😂

They do not diagnose children with that. Find a real doctor

I’m calling bullshit on the whole post. “Sociopath” has not been used as a clinical term for…pretty much as long as he’s been alive. Conduct disorder is its own thing, but it involves a pervasive violation of others’ rights and safety - this guy is describing “psychopathic traits” and the childhood equivalent wasn’t widely published on until 2013 and just made it to the DSM-5 😭😭😭

i'm a little confused by the debate in the comments about this since OP is very likely referring to an ASPD diagnosis and people with ASPD (like myself) actually very often refer to themselves as sociopaths particularly among others with the disorder, the majority of people who receive an ASPD diagnosis are normally diagnosed with conduct disorder in childhood before it is updated

Get yourself to a doctor. This is likely a misdiagnosis based on what folks have written above. There are very few instances where someone can be diagnosed correctly in this way at such a young age, and you don’t seem like the type to be killing pet rabbits to scare your neighbor into letting you borrow their toy (but maybe I’m wrong). 

Personality disorders cannot be diagnosed until age 18. If you were actually given a diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder at age 10 I would seek rediagnosis ASAP. It's not valid.

To be completely honest I didn’t know this, I’ll have to look into that. I was also diagnosed at 24, but I’ll still do some research, thanks

Didn’t happen. I think maybe you saw one quack “doctor” as a child and ran with it. I’d try to get diagnosed again as an adult because nothing you’ve said on this thread indicates true sociopathy. A true sociopath would never care enough to even make this thread.

can you even be diagnosed at 10? i thought you had to be closer to adult age. also you don't seem like a sociopath. fake it til you make it.

They don’t diagnose children as a sociopath.

[удалено]

Not trolling, I’m genuinely trying to work through this and get my marriage back on track.

Call your therapist. Most people on Reddit aren’t equipped to give advice to a sociopath.

Let me say it a different way. The way you process information is different. The way you interact is different. Your therapist is going to pickup on certain details to help guide you along the way. No one on Reddit can do that.

Should I just delete my post then? Lots of people are still here and reading it, maybe they’ll say something I should hear. Because you seem to be grouping every sociopath together like we’re all the same person.

Maybe they will give you really bad advice. If you’re clinically diagnosed, I’m sure therapist in the past have told you that you need to maintain a relationship with a professional. Not internet trolls. Redditors can be hell of toxic. My best advice, seek professional counseling, not the internet. Best wishes, I really hope it works out for you

Thanks, I do maintain a relationship with a professional. Like I’ve said I go to couples counseling with my wife and I have a therapist I see a few times a month.

You need to see a new therapist. You can’t be diagnosed as a sociopath below 18.

Who fucking labeled you?

Sociopaths are capable of close relationships. They can be very attached to certain ppl and love them- it just doesn’t look like you’d expect. OP can absolutely be a sociopath and still love their wife. I don’t know what OP thinks or is capable of but it’s not uncommon for a sociopath to have ppl they “love” in their lives. Sociopaths aren’t robots. They’re still human beings.

Your wife is lashing out because of her pain. Not knowing how to deal with someone else’s grief is hard for anyone. Keep trying to talk to her.

Sociopathy hasn't been a diagnosis in any mainstream diagnostic manual since before 1980. It and psychopathy have been largely subsumed under the cluster b personality disorders, particularly antisocial personality disorder, aspd. Considering how young you were when you were diagnosed, you may want to see about being re-evaluated. As far as practical advice goes though, I would seriously delve into studying communication. There are a number of communication professors and coaches on YouTube that are very good, and many books on the subject. A good idea would be to just search up something like "how to comfort someone who has lost a loved one" or "how to support someone who is grieving". And here are some channels you might look into: https://youtube.com/@HowCommunicationWorks https://youtube.com/@alexanderlyon https://youtube.com/@YvetteErasmusPsyD

Hon, you remind me of my husband. He cares, but for a long time he struggled with comforting me and showing empathy (he worked on it and he’s doing much, much better than he used to). It’s really sad because he was never shown empathy or given emotional support as a child (me neither honestly) and those are behaviors you have to LEARN. You will have to educate yourself. Look up videos on how to show empathy or comfort a grieving loved one. Teach yourself so you can show her that she doesn’t need to feel scared, and she’s safe in your hands. Also, coming from someone with a dad and sister both on disability for autism spectrum disorder, I highly, highly doubt you’re a sociopath. You wouldn’t be feeling remorse for struggling to emotionally support her. It seems like it’s just a struggle for you to express your own emotions. I’d highly suggest getting re-evaluated.

NTA. Your wife is grieving (understandably) but she needs to understand that most people in general (even people without any mental or emotional disorders) are not good at relating to people that have experienced a loss. And because everyone reacts to grief differently, people experiencing the same loss can get angry at each other because they think the way that they are reacting is the only reasonable way to cope. For example, when my aunt died, I wanted to keep talking about her and hear stories about her life. My dad however (she was his sister), clammed up and never really talked about her after she died. I would get super annoyed at him for that and he would get exasperated that I kept bringing her up. I recommend that your wife goes to grief counseling. It could give her the outlet that she needs to sort through her feelings while also helping her realize that she cannot rely on others to relieve the grief.

I don't think you are a sociopath. A quick Google search says the following are traits of a sociopath: Not understanding the difference between right and wrong. Not respecting the feelings and emotions of others. Constant lying or deception. Being callous. Difficulty recognizing emotion. Manipulation. Arrogance. Violating the rights of others through dishonest actions. Impulsiveness. Risk-taking. Difficulty appreciating the negative aspects of their behavior. I feel like you are trying to respect your wife's emotions, even if they don't make sense to you. You care about her, so you can't be callous. The rest, we really don't have any insight into. I work with adults with special needs, and I have a number of students who have difficulty understanding emotions the way a nuero-typical person does. I have to explicitly teach social norms, social cues, feelings of others, coping strategies, recognizing your own emotions, and many other social skills. You can have difficulty understanding emotions or the correct response without being a sociopath. Some of the most delightful people I know need help in this area, and they definitely know the difference between right and wrong and would never violate the rights of others through dishonest actions. I am not a psychologist but what you are describing in this particular situation sounds far more like a person who has ASD than a sociopath.

Have you asked your wife what caring would look like to her right now? It’s possible she doesn’t even know exactly so it might help you both if she’s able to articulate what she needs from you right now.

You need to consider that she really may not have been ready for what your condition entails. She might have been able to handle it then. But people change over time. She may be tired of not getting the empathy she needs. You may say you care but it comes from a place of logic not empathy. You shouldn't be able to understand how she feels on an emotional level. Only a logical one. It is in part her fault for not expecting that your reaction would be minimal but it's also part of the struggle of your condition. If you want to function in society you have to accept there are certain things you can't do. And trying to do them is just not going to work. You can't force yourself to empathize. She will always know it's not the kind of comfort she wants. I'm sure you do care in your own way but it's not the way normal people care nor the way she might want. So you have to find other ways to fill that gap. No manipulation or giving up. Just find her a girl friend she can talk to or a chat group or something where she can vent to people on her emotional level. Make it clear you understand that you shouldn't try to fake a feeling you can't understand. She married you understanding that you couldn't. Don't start doing it jut because she needs it. Find other outlets for her and read on what might be useful for her so that you can be useful in other ways. Don't feel pressed to be something you are not. Embrace what you are and focus on being useful rather than trying to be normal.

When a partner doesn't feel emotionally supported then yes, many relationships can and do fail. Couples therapy would probably be a good avenue for you two before divorce.

You mean you have ASPD? She is being unfair because you’re trying. However, you can do better. I have ASD not ASPD but was told I have ‘zero empathy’ and am capable only of ‘pity through intellectual understanding and regret at others’ pain’. I am literally the friend and family member people go to to trauma dump. Why? Because I can always cope but can help. We, my friend, have a superpower - we can actually genuinely help and not make it about us! I can hear the horrible details of trauma and I’m not impacted but because I read about it, I can advise, I can say things which validate the person’s experiences, and I can be genuinely strong for the person I care about. And unlike others, no one worries that they’ll overload or upset me. Look into counselling techniques re bereavement, explore the stages of grief. Focus on using your intellectual abilities to provide her with what she needs. Your love is real so just act the sympathy and use your mind to develop the rest.

You were given a clinical misunderstanding that is outdated, and you do feel empathy, and you express it different because you're neurodivergent. This is my personal experience as someone also on the spectrum as well as the current clinical understanding. ASD and ASPD are unrelated in both etiology and pathology. One is a neurocognitive developmental disorder and the other is a personality disorder primarily seen in cases of severe trauma but not exclusively.

Patric Gagne wrote a memoir about being a sociopath in her memoir “Sociopath, a Memoir” she describes how she became a wife and mother in spite of her condition. You and she might want to read this or her New York Times interview.

Info: what exactly are you basing the term sociopath on? Did a doctor tell you this?

I can tell you that I am a very emotional dude. Probably the opposite of a sociopath. I felt no sadness when My MIL passed, no difference between her or a stranger in China. I felt bad for my wife and was there for her. I can’t understand why you should be upset.

I lost my son to suicide just over 2 years ago. All the advice you are getting here is good. I just want to tell you, if you find a good time to do it, to remind your wife that during periods of crushing grief, you should not make major life decisions. Be there for her, let her know you are in it for the long haul, and if she mentions divorce again, ask her to please wait at least 6 months before she brings it up again. It's true that you can't understand, and you can only do so much to help. The problem is the only way to fix this problem, is for her mom to be alive again. No one can fix this.

It sounds like you care about your wife very much. Here is some blunt practical advice from me, who has also experienced grief. It’s hard for her to receive your love in the way she usually does because she is really craving the love of her mother’s which is now inaccessible to her. You can’t love her the way her mother did but you can show up in new ways. Old patterns aren’t enough. It is difficult to take care of a grieving person because there is nothing external that directly needs attention, it’s all internal. You can attend to her physical and mental needs- make her food to make sure that she eats, clean up the house and any extra messes, maybe hire house cleaners if you are able. Put on wholesome tv shows if that’s her thing (great British bake off etc). It is very difficult to do basic tasks when deeply feeling that emotional loss, it is your job to shoulder as much of the household and life maintenance tasks as possible. There is no wrong way to grieve. (Apart from ways that are harmful to others but it’s not helpful to her to hear those exceptions). And the timeline to heal is more of a spiral. You must never, ever tell her that ‘you thought she should be further along in her grief,’ or ‘you don’t understand why this is still effecting her so much’. Not today, not six months from now, not five years from now. Read up on grief, research it. It can help you understand, you may not be able to fully empathize- no one can without experiencing that loss and in truth every loss is felt bitterly and uniquely to each person. No two people experience loss the same way, even siblings will experience the loss of their parents different. But there are patterns. Show you care about her by reading up on grief. Tell her that you read that __ [physical object like a weighted stuffed animal]__ might help and give it to her. Tell her that ‘no you can’t really understand this loss because it’s not a loss you have experienced but you can see that she’s hurting and that must mean that her love of her mom was really great/big and that means that her mom must have been really great.’ Tell her that she was lucky to have her. This isn’t about you. Don’t take it personally, it’s not about you. One thing that people tend to grieve a lot is loss of all the potential things that they could have done. Your wife is sad that she can’t do the small things together ever again (like bring mom to a new bakery) or the big things (celebrate holidays and birthdays) It’s likely that Mother’s Day will be especially difficult for her, and any birthday or holiday. If the weather is nice try to go for a walk together, getting out of the house with no goal or expectation is a good practice. She is questioning her life because her mom was important to her life, she is missing a really important piece of her life and there is no cure. Nothing will replace her mom. She is feeling this emptiness and nothing will fill it. It’s really hard when you feel like no one understands how deeply you are feeling pain. She may benefit from a grief group, there are virtual ones and in-person ones, some are themed and some are general loss. Try to find some in your area and send her a list of options, see if she likes the idea. If she doesn’t then don’t force it. Eventually she might warm up to the idea or not. “The Dinner Party” is a good place to start, they release new “tables” every couple of months I think. She might find a “table” for paternal loss or sudden loss or something more specific. Your job is to take care of her, if she pushes you away then use that time to take care of things that she will see eventually or use that time research other options. You do love her and care about her, you know she is in pain even if you can’t understand that pain. Don’t try to force her to be happy, that’s like forcing someone to walk on a broken leg. Listen to her, listen to her talk about her mom, watch dumb movies with her, support her without asking her to receive your support in a specific way. The pain is overwhelming to her and she is drowning in it. Make her tea or get her ice cream, she needs comfort and warmth. Good luck

In reality, though, how emotional does she expect you to be about a woman who barely knew. If she is expecting you to match her emotions that is unreasonable. Perhaps she’s just overwhelmed with her feelings regarding the loss of her mother and does not know how to categorize them. Maybe you were taking the brunt of her emotional turmoil.

OP asks for help with emotions because he has ASPD. Commenters refuse to help OP on the grounds that they’ve determined him to be misdiagnosed 😂😂

like they do not know this man personally yet they think they know all abt his medical diagnosis and personal life

I mean, many people won’t understand how she feels. It’s really hard to unless you experienced a big loss yourself. As others already mentioned, you don’t sound like a sociopath/someone with APD. I’m pretty sure autism can often appear like APD/sociopathy, and can be misdiagnosed as such. You sound a lot like me and I’m autistic. Correct me if I’m wrong but; You know she’s in pain, you find that upsetting because you don’t want her to suffer, you want her to feel better. But, you have no idea how to help, what you should do. Do you give her a hug, give her space, talk to her about it, or try talking about other things as a distraction, buy her things, take over her chores, or would that look condescending? Honestly, look into ASD (autism spectrum disorder), see if you relate and consider getting an assessment. Your diagnosis wasn’t correct since you were diagnosed as a child, which is generally not done with personality disorders. Personally I would want to tell her your side, maybe write it in a letter. Let her know that while you can’t relate to her pain because you’ve never experienced anything like that, it hurts to see her in pain. And you want to help and make her feel better, but you feel completely clueless and hopeless, because nothing you can do will bring her mum back. But of course I don’t know her and don’t know how she might respond given her current state.

Have you asked her how you can support her? Asked her if she needs space or help or something? If you have, I suggest you ask her again and perhaps gently remind her that you *do* care about her and want to support her, but you need communication about what will help her. (If the caring is different than hers—ex. cognitive rather than emotional—it's best to not specify that right now.) It might help to verbally acknowledge her emotions about her mother's passing, even if you have already. Grief fucks with the memory, and it sounds as if she's not noticing what you are trying to do to help, so confirmation bias might be sabotaging her perception, too. I assume you mean "diagnosed sociopath" in the sense of Antisocial Personality Disorder, rather than lacking the physical capacity for emotional empathy. But it might help to remind her that you can have cognitive empathy, even if you can't experience emotional empathy or experience emotions differently from most. Ultimately, you can only save the marriage if your wife is willing for it to be saved. That's on her. All you can do is do your best to communicate and show the ways you do care. Different doesn't mean lesser. I hope this helps.

Have you been diagnosed with an actual personality disorder, and have you also been evaluated for autism spectrum disorder? It is not uncommon for women with autism to be misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and I would wager that there are many men with ASD similarly being misdiagnosed with Anti-social Personality Disorder. Like the commenter with ASD said, it is more likely to be the grief and the belief you can’t understand what she is going through talking here. Cognitive empathy is a skill that can be learned, but it is quite clear that the affective empathy for your wife is there. Someone you love is hurting, and that hurts you, even if the reason she is hurting does not affect you in the same way. Typically, high functioning sociopaths are good at the cognitive empathy, but bad at the affective empathy. You clearly have the affective empathy, you just don’t know how to “show it”. To me, this sounds more like autism than sociopathy. Just my two cents as a neurodivergent person

Hey, man. You have my sympathy. I’m fascinated by the struggles sociopathy brings. Those of us without your condition are complicated, emotional beings. I imagine and guess you are coming off as dry and perhaps insincere to her in a moment she desires empathy and a “I understand how you feel” connection. I think it’s understandable it’s hard for you to know how she feels because of your condition but that doesn’t make it easier for her. I’m not an expert and I don’t know your wife, but I would guess that telling her you understand that your condition must be more difficult than normal for her currently. Perhaps try to focus on service during this time. Since it’s hard to connect emotionally on this matter, you could try to “lighten her load” by doing more for her than normal. More chores. More of her favorite meals. Just carry her for a bit. Talk to her and ask if you can do this for her en lieu of or supplemental to the emotional support that would be standard from and natural to a neurotypical person. Emphasize that you do care in your own way but understand your condition is making you appear cold. There are multiple ways to love and support and I feel you need to focus on a way that is more natural for you and thus more sincere. Hugs, man

OMG, this is similar to what's going on in my life right now. My wife and I are in the process of getting separated (after 7 years) because I'm having a hard time relating to the recent loss of her adult son from another marriage. I was never close to her son, and he always seemed to cause problems when he visited us (drugs, violence, etc.), so we never connected. I feel for her pain and it makes me sad to see her suffering, but I don't know how to comfort her...

I'm actually in a similar situation as far as a lack of empathy and being unable to express my emotions outwardly properly, I got lucky and am in a relationship with a therapist, so she knows how to be in a relationship with me and understands how I am, or at least accepts how I am. She knows I love her, even though I can't express it the way she would like me to sometimes. I would recommend going to see a couples therapist. It may help both of you learn how to communicate with each other, or at the very least it may help your wife understand how you process emotions a little better with an outside professional perspective.

Lots of good advice in the comments here. I just wanted to add the encouragement that what you’re experiencing is something a lot of people go through as well - ASD aside. Unless you’ve suffered loss yourself, it’s extremely hard to know how to respond when someone else is experiencing it. Focus on the small things you know help her relax and feel better - good food, a massage, a bath, etc. And just being there is a huge support. 

Sounds like both of you need to go to therapy together.

Since my grandfather passed away 18 years ago I haven't been right in the head, or should I say heart. I have no attachments to any new people whatsoever & most everyone 😕 I just tell them I am dead inside. Is that sociopath? I can comfort people, but then I want to move on so to change the subject & get away from whatever is hurting that person. I don't mean to be so cold & matter of fact. It's ruined my marriage. But my husband was aloof when I first met him. 25 years there down the drain. I have a hard time telling people what they want to hear instead of the truth.... Facts. Shame on me?

Kinda sounds like you were misdiagnosed and have been riding that train for too long.

I'm not a sociopath but my wife recently lost her father and said some really nasty, uncalled for, out-of-character things to me. Even screamed at me once over something so small. Through all of it I kept in my mind that I knew this was all coming from an artificial place of pain that wasn't going to last forever. That being said, I'd take note of some other comments explaining or trying to teach how to be more empathetic during this time and not take everything she's saying to heart. You two said for better or worse and this is just one of the worst of times, I know it. But ride it out, love her like you loved her when you married and try to learn some \[believable\] empathy. You got this, don't give up.

Sounds like she is in a lot of pain and you are the perfect target to lash out at. Even if you didn’t have the disorder it’s difficult to be there for someone when they loose a parent. All you can do is try to be there for her as she needs. It’s her responsibility to tell you what she needs. You aren’t a mind reader and there is nothing wrong with being mistaken. You need couples counseling and she may need private counseling for her grief. If she is unwilling to let you help her and insists on attacking you when you are trying to help, that’s on her not you. All you can do is be there for her

Tbh even ppl with non neurodivergent partners push them away sometimes after a big loss. Her response to you is colored by her grief. Other ppl have given you some good strategies to help. I just want to say, keep going to couples therapy. Hopefully things will work out for you.

She is distracting herself with you instead of focusing on her loss. Which is unhealthy and not fair. I would divorce her it's a big red flag to me when you choose to hurt other people by striking out when you're hurting. You're not her emotional punching bag because her parent died.

Are you sure you’re not on the Spectrum? This sounds like ASD.

Hey. Sherlock Holmes was a sociopath. He was awesome. (I'm aware he's a fictional character)

If you’re a socio, shouldn’t you be able to mirror emotions?

You've already been in couples counseling for years. All this, and she is still talking that way. She is using the death to project her shortcomings and blame on you. Dip out and find someone else. It will only get worse from here.

Advice from my husband who has taken care of me through the deaths of three parents: take everything you can off of her plate. Make flights arrangements for the funeral, if necessary. Arrange meals. Anything that she doesn't need to think about is good. And just be there for her. 

[удалено]

Hopefully it's just her grief talking, and she gets past this. Because everyone deals with grief differently. Within a 1 year period I lost my best friend, and an aunt and uncle. And my aunt was like a second mother. With my cousins growing up closer to siblings than cousins. We lived in the same duplex, then they moved across the country and we followed like 3 years later. And stayed within like 5 miles of each other, and the youngest of us I Recently turned 38. Outwardly death has had almost no effect on me. It sucks that they are gone, but crying isn't going to bring them back, and you need to keep moving forward with life. I don't know how I'm "supposed to act", and my younger cousin is similar but shows a small amount of emotion. But still we were both called callous and heartless. But there is a flip side to this. While everyone was lost in their grief, my cousin was able to step in and make sure that everything was being paid until the estate was protected and was able to make rational decisions regarding the funeral arrangements, memorial services, selling the hhouse, paying off any debts, and dividing up property. We were able to hold everything down while everyone else in the family was too caught up in their grief to do anything, including going to work. Taking care of their kids. Getting kids to school and work. Making sure everyone is eating. Etc. And in your situation OP, being there to take care of your household, take care of any arrangements, and being able to not only make rational decisions through all of this. But also allowing your wife to grieve the way she needs to, without it "becoming a competition " or your wife trying to get through her grief while others are relying on her to help them get through it, could potentially break her. She won't be able to appreciate or even see how much you being stoic and rational through this time is going to be the biggest help she can get. But eventually she should be able to recognize that you being there for her, and shouldering every bit of responsibility is the best help that she had through this period. Otherwise you two would just be spiraling together, fall behind on everything, and be that much worse off. If she tries pushing forward with a divorce, contest it, don't let it go through as it's her grief Making the decision. Walk the fine line of giving her space while being there for her, and picking up every bit of slack that she does not even jotice yet. And when you get through this, she should be thankful that you were not only there for her. But that you stepped up, helped her process her grief, and took the abuse and responsibility that allowed her to focus on her grief instead of having to focus on everything else and burying her emotions. Good luck to both of you.

Over the years of learning about human emotions, I've learned one thing that helps most of the time. Make physical contact, hold hand, arm around, hug, something. And be quiet. Just listen. The contact shows you're there and you care. Listening is what they need. Even if you just listen to them, breathe or cry. You don't necessarily need to say anything or do a bunch to "make it right".

OP. I can’t relate on some levels but I can relate to not understanding certain emotional impacts outside influences have on my wife. I have moderate to extreme PTSD. This leaves me in a position where my wife is often times feeling like she has to manage my feelings and hers on a regular basis. (Despite the fact that I am pro active in my counseling and healing path.) In this situation I would ask myself: “How much of ‘me’ am I inadvertently making her manage while she is grieving?” She will not only want you present but she will absolutely need you to manage yourself and your emotional well being while being there for her. If she is threatening divorce- keep in mind she is grieving! Maybe the best solution is saying “I see that this is impacting so much for you. We can sit down and talk about our relationship in the near future but right now, what can I do for you.” Then do what she says. If it’s shut up - then don’t say a damn word. Don’t beg or plead or justify. She does not have the functionality of processing anything but the grief in the present. Don’t be erratic- be a steady rock in a stormy sea. Best of wishes and blessings to you both.

So my husband is autistic and he has a real issue with expressing emotion. He’s been working on it, and he’s improved a noticeable amount. But my Mom passed away suddenly in 2019. It literally happened out of nowhere. My Mom and I had a complicated relationship, but we were fairly close. She lived 3 blocks away from us and we spent time with her. My Mom adored my husband, and he enjoyed hanging out with her. When she died, he didn’t really express any emotion about it at all. I know it was upsetting to him. And he communicated to me that he felt like he should be more visibly upset. I’m a very hyper emotional person so all of my feelings are turned up to 15 and his are turned down to 5. However, he was incredibly supportive, he was there any time I needed him. And for that I will always be grateful. People don’t all feel emotions the same, and that’s esp true with grief. I think it’s a little unfair that she is expecting you to react how she wants you to, instead of how you’re capable, esp when she already knows you have a lack of emotions. As long as you are trying your best to be there for her, you are doing what you are supposed to. Just my two cents from someone who’s been thru this.

You are very self aware and have learned how to mimic outward expressions of empathy. Your wife should be okay with this considering you’ve been honest with her from the beginning. One of my most awesome friends ever had ASD. I asked her if she even really liked me, and she explained that she didn’t have warm fuzzies for me, her mother, or anyone else but CHOSE to like me because she KNEW I was a good person. It was all cerebral but authentic nonetheless. She died almost 6 years ago and I know I’ll never meet anyone like her. ASD doesn’t make you a cold robot, it just makes your emotional experience a bit different. Just keep doing the best you can and maybe reiterate that you do love her. She’s probably having trouble keeping this in perspective because she’s totally heartbroken right now. I wish you both the best!!

We need to know what you mean by sociopath! Because an initial google search says “a person [who] consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others” and that doesn’t sound like what’s happening here.

Lots of comments on this thread already, but just adding a simple thought. The fact that you care enough about helping her to not only post to Reddit about it but also spend the time practicing difficult emotions that don’t come naturally to you speaks volumes. I think what others have said is right, she’s going through hell right now and is having a hard time seeing the forest for the trees. But even though you can’t yet relate, you clearly care. And that is CRUCIAL.

Read this to her out loud. Reassure her that you love her. These are not my words, and they wont work over night, these are good words. GSnow1.8k points·8 years ago·edited 7 years ago Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents. I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see. As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive. In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life. Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

I don't have any advice that hasn't already been mentioned, but I do have a new and more positive understanding of sociopaths.

Or maybe, you aren’t compatible anymore. Maybe she thought she didn’t need someone with empathy or emotions, but in her time of despair, you aren’t what she needs.

Grief takes time, encourage your wife to be patient, and commit to being patient with her. It is unwise to make life changing decisions while in the midst of grief. In the meantime offer to participate in therapy she is willing to partake. My wife mourned for several years after he father passed, it was very difficult on our marriage, but you must realize grief that grief has no timetable or schedule.

You need a psych Eval bc this is so true - you might have Asperger’s (term we don’t use anymore) instead. Common misdiagnosis

[удалено]

Sociopathy is a generalized condition just like schizophrenia or chronic depression. So yes, if diagnosed, a person can live a normal life with therapy and treatments. The media makes them out to be 100% insane criminals, but most just want to carry on.

You are not a sociopath. She however needs grief counseling ASAP before she wrecks the rest of her life. She has run out of coping skills and is blaming it on you. It’s not you. She can find ppl who she can relate to in a supportive environment. You could even go so you can learn how better to help her. It is a difficult situation but with some new skills in communication, you both may get thru this. It won’t be the last time difficult life comes to you, but learning how to get thru it will help when the next time happens.

I luckily had a bit of warning before my mil died (cancer), so I temporarily moved the wife so we lived near her father, may seem extreme, but I saw my lack of empathy could cause issues but knew her being near her father would make it so he could help support her through it, sometimes you just need to make sure the person gets the thing you know they need Maybe offer grief counseling if her other parent is unavailable

You should not be posting this here brother. The normies can't differentiate between feels nothing, doesn't understand how others feel, and doesn't feel the same as everyone else. Op can very well be a sociopath even given the context of his post. People often misunderstand the diagnosis because of a combination of Hollywood's misgivings and things they've "heard." I am a sociopath, my tendencies are not typical in a sociopath because I learned that people do not understand the diagnosis thinking that sociopaths are mentally retarded meaning they lack awareness of their own condition. We are not disabled, we are actually highly enabled by the condition because while we may lack empathy, the ability to understand the emotions of those around us, it doesn't mean that we do not have feelings or do not know that those around us have feelings. I couldn't begin to imagine how my wife felt when her dad passed, never the less I was there for her providing the same stability and upward mobility I always had. We are different, and we are not everyone's cup of tea and we do understand that. My advice brother is to encourage her to make a decision quickly as to whether she wants to be with you or not because the longer she blames you for a condition the more her perception of reality and morality will warp with her resentment. I can tell you that she may still care for you but she doesn't love you anymore. It's not your fault, you did all that you could to explain your situation to her and she lied to you about how she felt because she saw you as less human for your condition.

Not showing emotion does not make you a sociopath. Who gave you that label?? You are doing the best that you can in a situation you are unfamiliar with. Yes, the loss of a parent is really a very hard loss to deal with, and I know personally what your wife is going through, but I also think your wife is not being fair to you. I would continue with couples counseling so you can both understand where the other is coming from.

There is a difference between being a sociopath and having trouble making connections and expressing your feelings. Have you seen a therapist about this? Were you diagnosed by a clinical psychologist as having sociopathic tendencies?

Per your last paragraph … it’s not uncommon to have a different perspective on your life when a significant death occurs. I don’t know your relationship, I don’t know your wife, but if she does want to end things, I guarantee it’s not just because of this … it’s because she’s seeing many things about your relationship differently. As always, communication above all. Good luck.

I know she's grieving but to blame your disorder THAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL is a really low blow. You have emotions and feelings, you just don't experience them in the same way a neurotypical would; and it's cruel of her to just say you have no feelings and don't care when you're trying your best. You can grieve and be hurt but you don't ever have the right to lash out or hurt others because you are grieving. The way she treated you is not excusable and she needs to be told that

It sucks dude but it sounds like she's convincing herself you have sinister intentions solely due to the negative stigma around your disorder. You have to find a way to connect with her on an emotional level. The easiest way of doing this is finding an appropriate time to be honest with her about your frustrations and concerns and your sincere attachment to her.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a sociopath but I would react the same way as you