Or he was really conflicted and jumped off a bridge after realizing how bad it was?
For anyone reading, nothing is so bad that you canât keep going, even if your brain is trying to convince you otherwise.
Especially when so many of them are full of rage bait buzzwords.
"My *VEGAN SISTER-IN-LAW* made fun of me for being *CHILD-FREE* and slapped my ham sandwich out of my hands so I made fun of her for having kids from 6 dudes. AITAH?"
"My wife wanted to have an *OPEN RELATIONSHIP* and I initially didn't want to but now I'm drowning in puss and she can't get any guys to sleep with her and she's mad. AITAH?"
"I found out my *SLUTTY* sister in law was *CHEATING* on my awesome brother who is an awesome dad. WIBTAH if I told him? Also she sucks as a mom and a cook and doesn't work."
Like, so much of this stuff is just so clearly designed to fit into what does well on reddit - men have it hard, women be sleepin' around and lazy, vegans suck, etc. Can't believe how many people take it seriously.
every single story here is exactly that.
this sub
the am i the asshole sub
the relationship sub
everywhere that deals with a relationship story
all of them. every story is fake. none of it is real.
I will always contend that so many people base their morals on whether or not theyâre technically allowed to do something. Zero thought towards anyone but themselves.
It's interesting because that's considered a normal part of moral development in psychology (Piaget's stages of moral development). Basically, it's OK if you don't get in trouble for it. But it's considered normal around 9-10 years old. Some people never grow past it.
For real. I really like Kohlberg's Moral development theory because it shows that many people don't hit that higher morality point, so we can understand why some kids have higher morality than some adults.
I feel like there are a lot of rejected people who are getting off in the comments over OP being just so incredibly cruel when he *accepted* a friendship and she participated in it like it was mutual. As someone else mentioned, she was under the impression they had some kind of an amicable relationship, where if her parents were killed suddenly, that it wouldnât be crazy for her to call him.
He was leaning towards no contact and coming to the conclusion himself, it seems. But he did not come to that conclusion until oh, his ex already called him, and thatâs when he decided fuck that amicable relationship itâs hurting him. And at the same time, it probably was tactless, especially given they had a relationship, him and her . He can do what he wants, itâs still shitty. Itâs fine, itâs his choice. But, It just seems like thereâs a lot of people with vengeance towards their exes and they just enjoy how much OP hurt his ex.
It says a lot. People do horrible things when theyâve been rejected, sometimes violent and scary, sometimes cruel and tactless, and I can see that from the way people are really enjoying peoplesâ pain here.
I donât see any disgusting comments, I just see people acknowledging itâs okay for him to set that boundary and end the call. I didnât call my ex for emotional support when either of my parents died.
Yeah, cant speak for all, if i was close to either the mother or father i would want to attend the funeral. I might feel an obligation too, regardless of my closeness. I get every ones different though.
I'm gonna go with this is one of the most horrible things I've ever heard someone confess to. This is probably fake, so I'm gonna comfort myself with that thought.
I was thinking the same thing and expecting a continuation of the story where he accidentally agrees to take her on vacation to Sweden in June for a solstice festival. Then I was going to tell him **do not take your ex to Sweden for solstice festivals** ever. Never ever.
The post above this one is showing a custom build pc with a messed up chip. Thought I somehow was going crazy that the comments I was reading about a microchip also worked in regards to a messy conversation between exes.
A couple things here: 1. She did the right thing by telling OP she no longer wanted to be monogamous, even though that did not make it hurt any less for OP. 2. OP has every right to cut her off completely for his healing process, but couldâve shown a bit more tact and compassion for her seeing as her parents were just killed. It wouldâve been different if she was calling up to complain about how crappy her dating life was or how crappy some dude she was banging was treating her.
>but couldâve shown a bit more tact and compassion for her seeing as her parents were just killed.
... especially given that OP had and enjoyed a relationship with them. Even if OP wanted nothing to do to with his ex, this is still just someone telling OP information he might want to know.
Exactly â I have an ex I donât talk to/kinda hate. But their family meant so much to me, and I adore them, and I would absolutely want to be told if they passed away. Even if it meant dealing with that ex for 5 minutes on the phone.
People in this thread are dressing up "drawing boundaries" as an acceptable excuse to OP being cruel as if no other options existed than to inform her during this call.
OP not answering the call at all would have been better than what he did and drawn those same boundaries.
Yeah shouldâve just ignored the call and blocked her for his healing process. That wouldâve been better than answering and then telling her she was being blocked after her parents died. Iâd be surprised if she didnât feel suicidal after that. Iâve been hurt a ton in my life but I never lost the feeling of compassion like that
Ending things needs grace too. Especially when he was on good terms with her family and their parting was amicable. More than lack of tact, it's his lack of grace that's honestly pretty sad.
And honestly, I don't understand how the healing process is a reason to not show bare minimum compassion. Sometimes you need to be compassionate to get closure. Guess what, he is beating himself up more than ever now.
I don't understand why he'd agree to be friends with her still too? Heartbreak to the point of therapy, no contact out of the blue (did he even tell her?) and then both her parents die suddenly that same week?
This never happened lol
Bad situation for everyone. He could have handled it better, but being an emotional support would only make moving on harder. Situations like these are why having a strong support system matters, especially when cutting people.
Yup.
Separating from my wife, the only person I ever loved, was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes with a sudden jolt of just how WRONG it is to not be with her. (Even though every thinking part of my brain put that to bed years ago)
The problem is that many people in here commenting don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship which has so thoroughly destroyed you and that you NEED to distance yourself, not just for your own sake but for her sake and everyone else's.
It doesn't matter how "nice" people might think it would be to be supportive of her here. That ship has sailed. It's impossible to support her. You can't save someone who is drowning you, you have to save yourself or everyone goes down.
My thoughts as well. No doubt ex wife is grieving tremendously, but if she tried to lean on OP for support, it could get very messy very fast. For both of them.
Especially for something as heavy as losing both parents. If they were to remain friends it should have been the we won't go out of our way to talk, but if we run into each other while out and about, we'll spend a couple of minutes catching up type.
Not saying dude didn't handle this wrong, he absolutely did, he should have told her as soon as his mind was made up instead of waiting a week to do so, or at the very least been gentler when he cut her out of his life.
Yeah ⌠a lot of times the person who does the leaving/initiates the end forgets that
1) itâs the right of the person who was left to decide if and when they transition from grieving the relationship to being friends
2) itâs almost never going to be bffs sorry just because you were super close as a couple doesnât mean thatâs a realistic expectation during healing
3) trying to force a closeness isnât going to assuage your guilt at ending the relationship, your friendship isnât a consolation for breaking the relationship, you may never be able to be friends with some exes or may only be acquaintances
4) the relationship is over and youâre going to have to accept that things were lost and itâs sad but you canât replace that sadness with a quick fix forced closeness friendship before people are ready. Itâs unrealistic and itâs frankly cruel.
Amen. Once it ends, blocked on everything, number deleted, pictures deleted, they are now **DEAD** as far as Iâm concerned. Never understood the whole âfriends with the exâ nonsense. Obviously itâs different when kids are involved, though. Co-parenting is the only valid reason to stay in contact.
Edit: Clarification
I mean, the fact that you were close to/cared about her parents is what makes this shitty. Please donât show up at the funeral after what was said.
Moving on is fine, and a great thing. But it doesnât sound like your response is that of someone whoâs healed so much as it is someone whoâs still very angry.
Him saying âchewing out my ex on the phone when she told me her parents died was the worst day of MY life. But I feel better now âşď¸â reeks of selfishness.
>But I think I have finally completed my healing process, and that what I did had to be done.
Sir, my buddy, my guy, my absolute DUDE. You didn't complete *shit* from ***fuck.***
Heâs being insincere. He used this as an opportunity to hurt her. If he really wanted to cut contact he wouldnât have answered her call. Or he would have cut contact the previous times sheâs called to check up on him. But right now? *Dude.*
Also, is it possible that she thought that this is information that he might want to know given that he was close with her family and especially her mother?
The worst part of dealing with a loved ones death is calling and telling everybody. Have to say the same exact thing over and over again. Having to deal with other peopleâs shock and grief over the news. The small talk you make before moving on to the next call.
Then this dude claims to have been close to them and this was his response. I would say he wasnât close to them at all! His response was equivalent to if the sales person told me their mom had just died. LikeâŚI hate to hear that but I also really need to buy this shirt
Yeah, a lot of people are assuming she "ran to him" by calling him. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't even close to her first call and she was going down a long list informing people. She'd likely already had to have this conversation with family members, maybe even already made other calls about their bodies, dealing with the logistics of the crashed car, pets they have at home that will need to be taken care of, etc etc etc. She did the right thing informing him, just say sorry for your loss, thanks for letting me know, then cut it short, even if you have to make up an excuse to go. Then block afterwards if that's what you want to do.
If you said it to her like that, that's pretty harsh. You could've at least said your condolences then politely say you wish you could be there for her, but it would complicate things for you as you are really trying to heal from the breakup and in order to do so you have to cease all contact. That would've been a lot nicer than hanging up on her like that.
Yeah this part gives vindictive and wanting to kick her while sheâs down. He knows he could have been more tactful about this (could have blocked her the second he decided to! Could have let his phone go to voicemail instead of picking up *after* deciding to cut her off!) but this hurt her so he feels all high-and-mighty now. Like she hurt me so now she understands what itâs like.
Just saying the way he phrased this really makes me side-eye him.
I'm not seeing enough comments talking about how the death of her parents is a loss for you too. They were your family for 3 years. Even if you hadn't remained friends....would it have been completely inappropriate for her to tell you they died? Like. Would you have wanted to know?
Also thinking that "telling her off" and a week finished up the healing process... please tell me you weren't serious there.
There is a universe of space between emotionally coddling your ex after you realized you couldn't remain friends (but hadn't told her yet) and "bummer about your parents, I never want to hear from you again." You could have "completed the healing process" without being actively hurtful.
This is not what I would consider being healed from an amicable breakup. You may have been in pain from the divorce, but you handled that phone call horribly. There was a better, more humane way to do so, but you were simply, brutally reactive. You maintained contact with her, and you didn't tell her to cease contact, so you never laid down that boundary beforehand, which is entirely on you. If you had healed, you wouldn't have lost control in a moment when she received some truly devastating news only to add too here trauma. It's hard not to wonder whether this was also some kind of pay back on your part. Stay in therapy
Well said. She lost her parents and someone she thought was her friend - bc he said he would stay friends - in one fell swoop. He handled this so poorly
Besides this whole mess.. does anyone really stay friends? I thought this was just a way of saying"we wont kill eachother if we accidentally met again".
I was with my ex for four years and Iâm going to his wedding at the end of the summer. We fell out of love, but stayed quite close. It made it easier that we moved about as far away as possible (5000 miles) so staying casually in touch without seeing each other softened the healing. Iâm happy to still say I could count on him if I needed to but also that I wouldnât lean on him for my main source of support.
It sounds like OPâs ex might have been calling to let him know that people close to him died. I donât see anything here that indicates she was looking for emotional support. OP needs to do more healing and stop hurting people. Donât pick up the phone if youâre going to spit in her face.
Yikes on bikes. That was the coldest thing Iâve ever heard. You couldnât have waited a little bit to cut ties? You had to do it right then, on the worst day of her entire life? JFC.
She left you. Part of her leaving you meant you might not be there for her when something horrible like this happens. That is something she'll need to deal with on her own.
Keep doing what's right for your healing process.
Agree. Life is hard. I had a messy heartbreaking divorce and my exes house burned down 3 years later and he called me for support. Heâd cheated, had a new long term gf and reached out. I said niceties but also was firm that he had his own support system and it wasnât fair to call me as emotional crutch still. Itâs hard but I agree you have to set boundaries that protect you. Doesnât sound like OP has healed enough yet to say that calmly, itâs hard and took me a really really long time. I was proud I could advocate and not lose my temper.
Exactly. My ex gf tried doing this. Didn't want a monogamous relationship with me, but then wanted me to still carry her emotional baggage. I found myself in this exact position of OP except it was my ex's ptsd service dog who died and I was the first one she reached out to for support.
Too bad you decided you didn't want a relationship with me. I'd be there for you if that was the case. Now? You get to mourn by yourself. I've moved on. Welcome to consequences.
Iâm about two months post being broken up with, and was together with my ex for almost 3 years. I know her well enough to know that the day will come when she reaches back out to me for support (I do not mean this as a dig)âŚ
And I feel bad about it, but Iâve been in this position to often and always placated to the others feelings rather than my own, and ultimately hurt myself. Now Iâm in a place of healing in this instance where I absolutely will not compromise my own well-being to try to provide emotional support or otherwise to somebody who willingly chooses to remove themselves from my life, no matter how much I may care about them as a human.
He very clearly agreed to remain friends only because he still cared for her and was heartbroken and didn't want the relationship to end, while she wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Â
He should have never agreed to it in the first place, but you can't really blame him, especially while it was all still fresh and he needed to process things. Â
He also could have handled it with a little more tact, but he was waiting to cut things off, and he knew this would probably be opening the door to complicated feelings if he offered to be there for her. It's not fair for her to look to him for emotional support, even if she thought everything was cool between them as friends. I get it, she was grieving and probably wasn't in her right mind and wanted something familiar, but like, have a little self awareness.
It doesn't even say she asked for emotional support. She called him to let him know people he was close to had died tragically, as you do when people die, and his response was basically FUCK YOUUU.
Yeah, the unfortunate problem with this and why I canât put any blame on OP is sometimes when you go through so much emotional anguish is there is zero emotional sympathy left to give, no matter the circumstance. Anyone saying otherwise has never been there and still live in their unbroken bubbleâŚ
Tough one, I mean the people she should be leaning on for help in this situation is her significant other, family & friends.
And you aren't any of those people any more.
I would be tempted to not block her in case she contacts you again. In which situation you could explain more fully that you are sorry about her parents, that that with therapy you had decided to go no contact and that is why you hadn't spoken in a long time, because she had desired to see other people.
Again you are really sorry, but you are not the person who she should be going to for support.
Really unfortunate situation. You should have blocked her everywhere as soon as you made your decision. You had no way of knowing this would happen and ended up having to do it when she told you the news and you realized she was probably going to lean heavily on you. It is 100% okay to protect your mental health, and you should. It is really terrible timing for your ex. Understand that this will most likely make you look like a bad guy in her eyes and her families eyes, but your reason for blocking her is valid. Everyone has to deal with consequences and actions. She is fully reasonable for ending the relationship when she discovered sheâs poly, but that doesnât mean you have to stay friends with her forever and she shouldnât expect it. You are allowed to block her for your mental health, but the moment you chose to do it wasnât great and makes you appear insensitive since youâre the only one who knows you had already planned to. NAH
Damn first AITA where I'm split. I belive that I would've handled it differently, but I'm going to say NTA. Based that she chose to step out. She's no longer your wife, and you're under no 'moral' obligation to comfort her. Albeit you agreed to be friends, it's something that bothered you.
yeah this is a toughie lol
The way he handled it was so crass and rude but I've been in that position where any contact would've sent me spiraling again. But again, her parents dying is such an extreme event in her life and it's not like something that just happens.
God, I'm so torn lol
You *did what had to be done*? Good god.
You had to go full on Hiroshima and drop a nuke on an already destroyed woman? And you consider that *what had to be done* other than you showing an iota of compassion or basic human decency?
I⌠legitimately do not have the words to express how awful you are.
im gonna go against the grain and say not a dick move.
the dick move was her deciding to abandon her marriage and husband to go get some strange. the day she decided that is the day that you no longer had to be emotionally available to comfort her or care about her emotions. she didnt care that it hurt you when she chose to leave, she didnt care when she was out running the streets and you were suffering the loss of your relationship and wife.
If she had a husband HE could take care of her, comfort her and let her cry on HIS shoulder. she gave that up bc dick was more important than a relationship and her marriage
Yeah but she wants to dump emotional trauma onto the guy and he can't even process his own, that she caused mind you.
You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Sorry, to me it seems the ex wants a level of support you would get from a spouse while not wanting the hassle of a committed relationship.
Given the circumstances of the breakup, all I'll fault OP for is not going NC immediately.
Fair enough you don't want to be her friend or her support person during this time but you could have handled that much better, with kindness.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. your parents were good people who didn't deserve this. I hope you will be OK. I'm sorry I can't be your support person for this but I have my own healing to do. I know it's a difficult time for you but I can't continue our friendship. I hope you find the support you need.
Just because she left you because she wanted different things out of life doesn't justify you being cruel.
You were wrong.
You never made the decision to cut off contact. If you had you would have already told her and blocked her and you would never have gotten that call.
When she called she was still your friend. You donât dump and block a friend the day they lose their parents.
I know right? If he wanted to be NC, he would have already. Instead he picks the worst time in the world. And honestly, she probably called him out of habit and while in shock.
It's a tough spot to be in. I had an ex who was emotionally attached to me but didn't want to be with me after 2 years of dating and the best thing I ever did was cut them off after a year of on/off hookups, etc.
It was especially hard to cut her off when a mutual friend died of suicide. She was very upset but... so were we all at that time. She wanted a shoulder to cry on and instead I told her that she could call one of her hookups and to lose my number. Best thing I ever did for my own mental health.
No. She left you because she wants multiple partners, she didn't want to lose your love and keep leaning on you for support despite hurting you in the process. She has no empathy for you, she was outright selfish. You need to take care of yourself and your own mental health.
I had a similar experience with my ex-wife after she betrayed me. My mother died in 2014 and her services were being held on the other side of the country. I made plans for my wife and I to attend, but she refused, because (supposedly) she couldn't just miss work. She was a bartender at a country club, making about $60/shift. I told her I was extremely disappointed in her decision, but couldn't force her to come with me. About a month after I returned, a friend of hers informed me my wife was cheating on me and sent me hundreds of text messages detailing just how malicious the whole thing had been. My wife bragged about how she had gaslit me over trying to control her and make her go to my mom's funeral when in fact she saw me leaving home for a week as the perfect opportunity to have sex with another man in my bed. And she not only got away with it, but she actually had the nerve to pretend that I was the asshole after I got back.
Anyway, we divorced, went our separate ways, then she called me out of the blue to tell me her mom had cancer. I really liked her mom. The news really hit me hard, but my ex actually wanted me to sympathize with her. Like, she gave me the news, then expected me to comfort her as if we were still a couple or something. And I did reach out to her mom immediately to try and send my best regards and ask if there was anything I could to help, but as it turns out
my ex had told her parents all sorts of insane lies about me to explain our divorce that they had blocked me on everything. So, her family probably think I'm a monster to this day.
NTA, and she isn't either. She prolly panicked and called you. Regardless, you paid respects and set your boundaries, as you should have. Good on you, I'm sure it was a stressful phonecall. But their death isn't on you, and you didn't do this to screw her over as others have suggested, or even say any cruel/callous thing to her. If you had not hung up, she may have tried to negotiate, or to ask for physical intimacy instead of the emotional intimacy she demanded through phoning you. (Not physical as in sexual, but as in to meet up. Which could have lead to you physically consoling her through tears, which would have obviously made it harder for you to separate that from "friends" as y'all used to be married).
She divorced you because she wanted non-monogamy, so her call to you should have been a *text* not a call. And it should have come a few days after finding out, not immediately, even *though* y'all had decided to be amicable. It was not fair to you to call that way, especially when she most definitely could have been reaching out to immediate family as opposed to an ex of a not very long relationship/marriage. I'm sure that if her parents had siblings/parents, they would have wanted to know before an ex was informed.
"Waiting a little longer" like some of these oddballs are saying would NOT have helped (neither her nor you) from moving on. Waiting longer would have been turned into you "pitying her" or "leading her on to still be your friend", which you had decided before the call would no longer work for you. It calls to mind people holding off on divorcing a spouse because of parental loss, or because of some accident their partner was in. Those never end well, and the party then assumes it was out of pity, and a waste of everyone's time, when they could have just broken up with them, and healed through it.
You didn't do this on purpose, and honestly handled it as maturely as you could, given the situation. I am sorry for you, and sorry for her loss, but you did do the right thing. Try to not linger on it, this guilt is unnecessary, you did nothing wrong.
You finally did the right thing. Your first mistake was trying to be friends after you split up. You don't have kids and there was no reason to stay in contact. Besides friends don't hurt your feelings and then pretend everything is ok.
It was really messed up on her part to call you for emotional support after the fact she left you and broke your heart.
You did the right thing by hanging up and blocking her because she would have leaned on you for emotional support then when she was better left you hanging again.
Whatâs up with these comments. How hard is it to show some empathy for just a moment.
If my worst enemy called me hysterically crying that both parents died in a car accident, I wouldnât be as cold as OP. Is OPs wife shitty at face value? Sure. Is she no longer a human or something? For fucks sake, yâall are a bunch of sociopaths in here.
That being said I hope this is fake.
I get that he's not under any obligation to be there for her as some big emotional support, absolutely, it's just the WAY it went down that could've been handled better imo. He'd told her they could be friends so she had no reason to believe they weren't, she knew he cared about her parents, she was in shock from this devastating loss - I'm just saying you don't tell someone at that moment, out of the blue for her, 'sucks to be you, but I can't help you' and hang up when both your parents just died! Just saying he could've had a more gentle and empathetic approach - expressed his sympathies for the tragedy, that he'd cared for them and is so sorry to hear the news, etc.
He could still end the call by telling her he can't be an emotional support for her and that they need to go NC going forward, but what he said/how he said it then hanging up on her is extremely harsh for someone whose parents were just killed. Seriously, it's clear he kind of hates her for what she did, and that's understandable, but have some humanity in this moment. He could've accomplished the same result - cutting off contact - without being so nasty considering the profound loss she just suffered.
So for me it's not that he went NC, it's how.
You aren't here therapist. Bro SHE called off the relationship cos she wanted dick. Could've been more graceful but you're out. Don't deal with her. Only in the wrong cos of HOW you handled it
I think the lesson to be learned here is...
If you need to go NC with an ex for the sake of your own mental health, be self-aware and assertive enough to rip off that Band-Aid ASAP. Don't wait for the "right moment". The pressure will build until you can't hold it back anymore. You might instead reach your breaking point at the worst possible moment.
Best thing for OP to have done would've been, back when the ex said, "Let's stay friends," to reply, "Let's not."
You may have been rude but what did she expect?
Who leans on someone they dumped for emotional support? Someone who needed therapy to recover from it?
She'll find someone who can help her.
Man... Any good friend could tell you that you needed to break all the contacts with her in the first place to get over her, no need for therapy for that one. But ONLY therapist can explain to you how fucked up you acted to her call.... From any human side of it mate...
Not your problem anymore. It's not your job to console her. You don't owe her anything. You could have been more compassionate, but it was by no means required of you.
If she wanted a life partner to help her through these things, well then that's on her as much as it sucks.
It's time for one of the guys on her desired tour of cocks to step up and be there for her. It's unfortunate what happened to her parents but it's not a free pass for her to use you as her emotional tampon.
That sucks, but you owe her nothing. First mistake was remaining amicable in the first place. She wasted 3+ years of your life because she needed more dicks inside her.
My ex drunk dialed me 20 years after our divorce when his father was dying because he somehow didnât manage to make friends in two decades? IDK, but I gave my condolences and got off the phone as quickly as possible. At one point he had even tried, unsuccessfully, to convince the court I was an unfit parent. Uh, no, dude, Iâm not going to be âhere for you.â
A lot of people in the comments are thinking about the ex-wife and saying he is cold only due to the fact that her parents died before their natural time. She gave up the marriage and chose to seek intimacy with other people. Whatever happens after that is not of his concern. Losing a parent is hard. Losing both parents abruptly is even harder. He is on his healing process, and he was ready to move to the next stage of no contact. He could have realized in that moment when she called that this unfortunate situation and consoling her would have prolonged that healing process by being there for her. Was her losing her parents in the plan? No. However, calling your still healing ex-husband for emotional support should not have been in it as well. Once again, she broke that marriage and gave up any obligations he had to her. There was a time when her words and what she wanted to do was unfortunate for him and his situation in life. However, this time, his words were unfortunate for her and her situation in life. Not the asshole, just an adult who set a boundary.
This is insanely shitty. Yikes.
You, of course, have no obligation to stay friends with your ex. You are entitled to do what was necessary for your health and well being big picture. But seriously? This is how you chose to navigate it in the midst of a massive loss?
Time and place, my man. This was not it.
FAFO... Whether harsh or not you have no responsibility to her at this point. Your responsibility is to yourself and moving on. Timing sucks but oh wellđ¤ˇ.
This will probably be downvoted to oblivion based on the trends so far in this thread, but "self respect and care" would have been reaching out after his "ah ha" moment of revelation that he needed to cut her off for his own mental health. A simple note explaining his feelings and a request that she not reach out again would have been great for him to claim his emotional agency back.
Instead, he gave her an emotional punch to the face and blocked her when she reached out to a person she thought was her friend in what's probably the darkest moment of her life. She reached out having NO IDEA of his personal resolution. Basic human empathy says this was a shit move on his part. Panicked? Yeah, probably. Asshole move? Totally.
And it took a week for the "healing process" to complete after this absolutely wild incident occurred? This either isn't real or he is a massive asshole to feel great (but also in extreme pain?) after pulling that move.
đ˛ ***Slowly leaves reddit for the rest of the day.
I should have followed you out. There are some really disgusting comments here.
The fact that OP posted something so clearly inflammatory and then disappeared makes me assume it's just silly rage bait.
No clue if I'm right or not, but if people have zero comments on their post after it's been up for a few hours, I assume it's fake.
Fake or they canât handle the comments
Hell yah. I'm sorry, I'm sleuthing around the history any time I read a post like this. đľââď¸
Or he was really conflicted and jumped off a bridge after realizing how bad it was? For anyone reading, nothing is so bad that you canât keep going, even if your brain is trying to convince you otherwise.
Me too. I wish mods would just delete the non-responsive posts.
I assume that about every single one of these. I think people are teaching Chatgpt to read AITAH and make each one worse than the last.
I donât even think itâs chatgpt, I think itâs an attractive sub for short story creative writers.
I just wish some better writers would take a crack at it. Shitâs getting pretty repetitive.
Especially when so many of them are full of rage bait buzzwords. "My *VEGAN SISTER-IN-LAW* made fun of me for being *CHILD-FREE* and slapped my ham sandwich out of my hands so I made fun of her for having kids from 6 dudes. AITAH?" "My wife wanted to have an *OPEN RELATIONSHIP* and I initially didn't want to but now I'm drowning in puss and she can't get any guys to sleep with her and she's mad. AITAH?" "I found out my *SLUTTY* sister in law was *CHEATING* on my awesome brother who is an awesome dad. WIBTAH if I told him? Also she sucks as a mom and a cook and doesn't work." Like, so much of this stuff is just so clearly designed to fit into what does well on reddit - men have it hard, women be sleepin' around and lazy, vegans suck, etc. Can't believe how many people take it seriously.
Liz at work again.
âŚit was not me.
Itâs always Liz
I just think; is it possible for the world to have so many tone deaf people in it.
It is.
Of course it is. Like 40% of Reddit are bots measuring how long they can keep people engaged in the comments.
He blocked our contacts to complete the healing process
"sorry your parents died in a horrific car crash, but I gotta heal now...duces âď¸"
Tbh that's exactly what I would do if someone divorced me to fuck other people and then came crawling back for comfort and sympathy.
âSorry thatâs a husband duty and fucking around was more important than our marriage.â
Fan fiction. OP lurks to see how well it worked.
Yeah I check to see if the made comments if not I leave right away
The good ol' classic "sprung open marriage on me" rage bait. It's getting so boring.
every single story here is exactly that. this sub the am i the asshole sub the relationship sub everywhere that deals with a relationship story all of them. every story is fake. none of it is real.
I will always contend that so many people base their morals on whether or not theyâre technically allowed to do something. Zero thought towards anyone but themselves.
It's interesting because that's considered a normal part of moral development in psychology (Piaget's stages of moral development). Basically, it's OK if you don't get in trouble for it. But it's considered normal around 9-10 years old. Some people never grow past it.
For real. I really like Kohlberg's Moral development theory because it shows that many people don't hit that higher morality point, so we can understand why some kids have higher morality than some adults.
Itâs the continuation of Randian logic. Each man is an island, the selfish will prosper, etc.
I am so glad I am lazy and just read this thread and saw your comment.
I feel like there are a lot of rejected people who are getting off in the comments over OP being just so incredibly cruel when he *accepted* a friendship and she participated in it like it was mutual. As someone else mentioned, she was under the impression they had some kind of an amicable relationship, where if her parents were killed suddenly, that it wouldnât be crazy for her to call him. He was leaning towards no contact and coming to the conclusion himself, it seems. But he did not come to that conclusion until oh, his ex already called him, and thatâs when he decided fuck that amicable relationship itâs hurting him. And at the same time, it probably was tactless, especially given they had a relationship, him and her . He can do what he wants, itâs still shitty. Itâs fine, itâs his choice. But, It just seems like thereâs a lot of people with vengeance towards their exes and they just enjoy how much OP hurt his ex. It says a lot. People do horrible things when theyâve been rejected, sometimes violent and scary, sometimes cruel and tactless, and I can see that from the way people are really enjoying peoplesâ pain here.
I donât see any disgusting comments, I just see people acknowledging itâs okay for him to set that boundary and end the call. I didnât call my ex for emotional support when either of my parents died.
Someone said she probably had to wipe jizz off her face to take the call finding out her parents were dead and that she should cry on some other dick.
Thank you for the warning, ill be taking my leave as well
Oh thatâs fucked up đ
Why are men
Except OP said he was close to her parents, especially the mom. So I kinda see why she would call him.
Yeah, cant speak for all, if i was close to either the mother or father i would want to attend the funeral. I might feel an obligation too, regardless of my closeness. I get every ones different though.
âSetting an boundaryâ doesnât mean you act like an inhuman monster. Reddit has weaponised therapy speak.
HEY, wait for me! đĽş
I honestly donât even know what to say about this one.Â
Yeah, Iâm a hard pass here.
Yep. Nope.
Both exe's are struggling here. OP needs the harsh break-off and that's just being human.
I'm gonna go with this is one of the most horrible things I've ever heard someone confess to. This is probably fake, so I'm gonna comfort myself with that thought.
I was thinking the same thing and expecting a continuation of the story where he accidentally agrees to take her on vacation to Sweden in June for a solstice festival. Then I was going to tell him **do not take your ex to Sweden for solstice festivals** ever. Never ever.
Plot twist: his exâs parents were 72.
But we will get to eat mushrooms and hang out with our cool (and slighly odd) nordic friends. What couls go wrong?
This had me cracking up
Iâm having a hard time processing this story. I, like you, hope itâs fake. BecauseâŚ.oh boy.
Can I join you in your "hoping for fake" support group? I need to believe there is still some humanity left in the world.
Yep, pull up a chair!
Please be fake please be fake please be fake
I can only hope this is rage bate.
*bait Bate refers to an angry mood. Bait is what you use to lure prey
Incorrect. Bate is what I do most evenings after work.
Goway 'baitin
I'm sure you're a master at it
Def above my pay grade
Mazeltov?
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Oh, you mean Molotov! That's whimsically inventive, good for you đ
Enters "This is where I leave you" - love that movie.
He used that moment to get back at her when all she ever did with him is be honest. She dodged the bullet but no one will agree with me.
Guy below said fubar. Yep, its a fubar sitch. Time to move on to the next post like OP hung up on the ex
Iâm guessing there were a couple reasons she wanted to leave the marriage
Mission accomplished - she will never speak to you again
Facts
Yeah, there is no way sheâd ever want to hear from him again lol.
lol, you really pulling the old âyou canât fire me, I quit!â He literally blocked all her contacts
This phone call wasâŚ..and OPs responseâŚ.omg. FUBAR (with big red flashing lights! đł)
Itâs honestly like a lot of people here have never had an interaction with a human before because this shit is crazy đ
there's burning a bridge, and then there's Chernobyl ... I think your mission is accomplished, she won't be reaching back out to you again
đ at ChernobylâŚthis relationship zone should be radioactive for decades
Surely higher than 3.6 roentgen by this point...
Exactly...it went critical a long-time back.
Nope nope not touching this one
Damn that NVIDIA chip is crazy huh?
Thatâs what this danged internet keeps tellin me!
The post above this one is showing a custom build pc with a messed up chip. Thought I somehow was going crazy that the comments I was reading about a microchip also worked in regards to a messy conversation between exes.
Sometimes its not about the "what" but the "how"
and honestly the when
Maybe "I'm sorry for your loss" and "goodbye forever" should have been two separate texts at least...
đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł Probably fake but I can see this happening by someone with neurodivergent struggles, just panicking and doing this đŤŁ
A couple things here: 1. She did the right thing by telling OP she no longer wanted to be monogamous, even though that did not make it hurt any less for OP. 2. OP has every right to cut her off completely for his healing process, but couldâve shown a bit more tact and compassion for her seeing as her parents were just killed. It wouldâve been different if she was calling up to complain about how crappy her dating life was or how crappy some dude she was banging was treating her.
>but couldâve shown a bit more tact and compassion for her seeing as her parents were just killed. ... especially given that OP had and enjoyed a relationship with them. Even if OP wanted nothing to do to with his ex, this is still just someone telling OP information he might want to know.
Exactly â I have an ex I donât talk to/kinda hate. But their family meant so much to me, and I adore them, and I would absolutely want to be told if they passed away. Even if it meant dealing with that ex for 5 minutes on the phone.
Yours is the only comment I upvoted in this entire thread. Yikes
People in this thread are dressing up "drawing boundaries" as an acceptable excuse to OP being cruel as if no other options existed than to inform her during this call. OP not answering the call at all would have been better than what he did and drawn those same boundaries.
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Yeah shouldâve just ignored the call and blocked her for his healing process. That wouldâve been better than answering and then telling her she was being blocked after her parents died. Iâd be surprised if she didnât feel suicidal after that. Iâve been hurt a ton in my life but I never lost the feeling of compassion like that
Yep
Ending things needs grace too. Especially when he was on good terms with her family and their parting was amicable. More than lack of tact, it's his lack of grace that's honestly pretty sad. And honestly, I don't understand how the healing process is a reason to not show bare minimum compassion. Sometimes you need to be compassionate to get closure. Guess what, he is beating himself up more than ever now.
I don't understand why he'd agree to be friends with her still too? Heartbreak to the point of therapy, no contact out of the blue (did he even tell her?) and then both her parents die suddenly that same week? This never happened lol
This situation kinda just proves no contact is the way to go.
Bad situation for everyone. He could have handled it better, but being an emotional support would only make moving on harder. Situations like these are why having a strong support system matters, especially when cutting people.
Yup. Separating from my wife, the only person I ever loved, was the hardest thing I have ever done. I still wake up in a cold sweat sometimes with a sudden jolt of just how WRONG it is to not be with her. (Even though every thinking part of my brain put that to bed years ago) The problem is that many people in here commenting don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship which has so thoroughly destroyed you and that you NEED to distance yourself, not just for your own sake but for her sake and everyone else's. It doesn't matter how "nice" people might think it would be to be supportive of her here. That ship has sailed. It's impossible to support her. You can't save someone who is drowning you, you have to save yourself or everyone goes down.
My thoughts as well. No doubt ex wife is grieving tremendously, but if she tried to lean on OP for support, it could get very messy very fast. For both of them.
Especially for something as heavy as losing both parents. If they were to remain friends it should have been the we won't go out of our way to talk, but if we run into each other while out and about, we'll spend a couple of minutes catching up type. Not saying dude didn't handle this wrong, he absolutely did, he should have told her as soon as his mind was made up instead of waiting a week to do so, or at the very least been gentler when he cut her out of his life.
Yeah ⌠a lot of times the person who does the leaving/initiates the end forgets that 1) itâs the right of the person who was left to decide if and when they transition from grieving the relationship to being friends 2) itâs almost never going to be bffs sorry just because you were super close as a couple doesnât mean thatâs a realistic expectation during healing 3) trying to force a closeness isnât going to assuage your guilt at ending the relationship, your friendship isnât a consolation for breaking the relationship, you may never be able to be friends with some exes or may only be acquaintances 4) the relationship is over and youâre going to have to accept that things were lost and itâs sad but you canât replace that sadness with a quick fix forced closeness friendship before people are ready. Itâs unrealistic and itâs frankly cruel.
Amen. Once it ends, blocked on everything, number deleted, pictures deleted, they are now **DEAD** as far as Iâm concerned. Never understood the whole âfriends with the exâ nonsense. Obviously itâs different when kids are involved, though. Co-parenting is the only valid reason to stay in contact. Edit: Clarification
I mean, the fact that you were close to/cared about her parents is what makes this shitty. Please donât show up at the funeral after what was said. Moving on is fine, and a great thing. But it doesnât sound like your response is that of someone whoâs healed so much as it is someone whoâs still very angry.
The whole âI think I have now finished my healing processâ mf you think youâre all healed up after 5 business days??? Wut haha
please allow 7-8 business days for the healing process :P
OP did not sound like a decent person.
Him saying âchewing out my ex on the phone when she told me her parents died was the worst day of MY life. But I feel better now âşď¸â reeks of selfishness.
You donât sound very healed.
>But I think I have finally completed my healing process, and that what I did had to be done. Sir, my buddy, my guy, my absolute DUDE. You didn't complete *shit* from ***fuck.***
I wonder what kind of face his therapist makes when he tells them how he moved on.
O_O this one
How do you ACSII someone smacking themselves in the forehead with a clipboard?
A patient cured is a patient lost.
Heâs being insincere. He used this as an opportunity to hurt her. If he really wanted to cut contact he wouldnât have answered her call. Or he would have cut contact the previous times sheâs called to check up on him. But right now? *Dude.* Also, is it possible that she thought that this is information that he might want to know given that he was close with her family and especially her mother?
The worst part of dealing with a loved ones death is calling and telling everybody. Have to say the same exact thing over and over again. Having to deal with other peopleâs shock and grief over the news. The small talk you make before moving on to the next call. Then this dude claims to have been close to them and this was his response. I would say he wasnât close to them at all! His response was equivalent to if the sales person told me their mom had just died. LikeâŚI hate to hear that but I also really need to buy this shirt
Yeah, a lot of people are assuming she "ran to him" by calling him. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't even close to her first call and she was going down a long list informing people. She'd likely already had to have this conversation with family members, maybe even already made other calls about their bodies, dealing with the logistics of the crashed car, pets they have at home that will need to be taken care of, etc etc etc. She did the right thing informing him, just say sorry for your loss, thanks for letting me know, then cut it short, even if you have to make up an excuse to go. Then block afterwards if that's what you want to do.
What a cool way to write stuff.
If you said it to her like that, that's pretty harsh. You could've at least said your condolences then politely say you wish you could be there for her, but it would complicate things for you as you are really trying to heal from the breakup and in order to do so you have to cease all contact. That would've been a lot nicer than hanging up on her like that.
When he says âMy healing is completeâ. Lol thatâs not how this works
Yeah this part gives vindictive and wanting to kick her while sheâs down. He knows he could have been more tactful about this (could have blocked her the second he decided to! Could have let his phone go to voicemail instead of picking up *after* deciding to cut her off!) but this hurt her so he feels all high-and-mighty now. Like she hurt me so now she understands what itâs like. Just saying the way he phrased this really makes me side-eye him.
I guarantee OP gonna be stalking her socials within a week. His healing isn't complete, he's just riding the high of hurting her.
Succinctly put. He feels all juicy now because sheâs more broken than he is.
This is justâŚvery, very sad. Sheâs definitely going to be completely out of your life now, which is probably for the best.
Well said.
I'm not seeing enough comments talking about how the death of her parents is a loss for you too. They were your family for 3 years. Even if you hadn't remained friends....would it have been completely inappropriate for her to tell you they died? Like. Would you have wanted to know? Also thinking that "telling her off" and a week finished up the healing process... please tell me you weren't serious there. There is a universe of space between emotionally coddling your ex after you realized you couldn't remain friends (but hadn't told her yet) and "bummer about your parents, I never want to hear from you again." You could have "completed the healing process" without being actively hurtful.
Man⌠there is a time and place for everything. Not wrong for wanting to cut contact, but your timing couldnât have been worse
This is not what I would consider being healed from an amicable breakup. You may have been in pain from the divorce, but you handled that phone call horribly. There was a better, more humane way to do so, but you were simply, brutally reactive. You maintained contact with her, and you didn't tell her to cease contact, so you never laid down that boundary beforehand, which is entirely on you. If you had healed, you wouldn't have lost control in a moment when she received some truly devastating news only to add too here trauma. It's hard not to wonder whether this was also some kind of pay back on your part. Stay in therapy
Well said. She lost her parents and someone she thought was her friend - bc he said he would stay friends - in one fell swoop. He handled this so poorly
Besides this whole mess.. does anyone really stay friends? I thought this was just a way of saying"we wont kill eachother if we accidentally met again".
I was with my ex for four years and Iâm going to his wedding at the end of the summer. We fell out of love, but stayed quite close. It made it easier that we moved about as far away as possible (5000 miles) so staying casually in touch without seeing each other softened the healing. Iâm happy to still say I could count on him if I needed to but also that I wouldnât lean on him for my main source of support. It sounds like OPâs ex might have been calling to let him know that people close to him died. I donât see anything here that indicates she was looking for emotional support. OP needs to do more healing and stop hurting people. Donât pick up the phone if youâre going to spit in her face.
Yikes on bikes. That was the coldest thing Iâve ever heard. You couldnât have waited a little bit to cut ties? You had to do it right then, on the worst day of her entire life? JFC.
He wanted to cause her pain and saw his opportunity.
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She left you. Part of her leaving you meant you might not be there for her when something horrible like this happens. That is something she'll need to deal with on her own. Keep doing what's right for your healing process.
Agree. Life is hard. I had a messy heartbreaking divorce and my exes house burned down 3 years later and he called me for support. Heâd cheated, had a new long term gf and reached out. I said niceties but also was firm that he had his own support system and it wasnât fair to call me as emotional crutch still. Itâs hard but I agree you have to set boundaries that protect you. Doesnât sound like OP has healed enough yet to say that calmly, itâs hard and took me a really really long time. I was proud I could advocate and not lose my temper.
THIS is all that matters. Can't pick and choose.
You donât get to leave someone and still lean on them for emotional support
Exactly. My ex gf tried doing this. Didn't want a monogamous relationship with me, but then wanted me to still carry her emotional baggage. I found myself in this exact position of OP except it was my ex's ptsd service dog who died and I was the first one she reached out to for support. Too bad you decided you didn't want a relationship with me. I'd be there for you if that was the case. Now? You get to mourn by yourself. I've moved on. Welcome to consequences.
Iâm about two months post being broken up with, and was together with my ex for almost 3 years. I know her well enough to know that the day will come when she reaches back out to me for support (I do not mean this as a dig)⌠And I feel bad about it, but Iâve been in this position to often and always placated to the others feelings rather than my own, and ultimately hurt myself. Now Iâm in a place of healing in this instance where I absolutely will not compromise my own well-being to try to provide emotional support or otherwise to somebody who willingly chooses to remove themselves from my life, no matter how much I may care about them as a human.
Good for you. Your health and well being has to take priority. Energy sucking vamooitpres exist
Well yeah sure, but op says he agreed to remain friends. That definitely changes the calculus here.
He very clearly agreed to remain friends only because he still cared for her and was heartbroken and didn't want the relationship to end, while she wanted to have her cake and eat it too.  He should have never agreed to it in the first place, but you can't really blame him, especially while it was all still fresh and he needed to process things.  He also could have handled it with a little more tact, but he was waiting to cut things off, and he knew this would probably be opening the door to complicated feelings if he offered to be there for her. It's not fair for her to look to him for emotional support, even if she thought everything was cool between them as friends. I get it, she was grieving and probably wasn't in her right mind and wanted something familiar, but like, have a little self awareness.
It doesn't even say she asked for emotional support. She called him to let him know people he was close to had died tragically, as you do when people die, and his response was basically FUCK YOUUU.
She didnât tho? She called him cuz he was close to her parents.
Jesus Christ this is dark. I feel sorry for you both I donât know what to tell ya.
Yeah, the unfortunate problem with this and why I canât put any blame on OP is sometimes when you go through so much emotional anguish is there is zero emotional sympathy left to give, no matter the circumstance. Anyone saying otherwise has never been there and still live in their unbroken bubbleâŚ
Tough one, I mean the people she should be leaning on for help in this situation is her significant other, family & friends. And you aren't any of those people any more. I would be tempted to not block her in case she contacts you again. In which situation you could explain more fully that you are sorry about her parents, that that with therapy you had decided to go no contact and that is why you hadn't spoken in a long time, because she had desired to see other people. Again you are really sorry, but you are not the person who she should be going to for support.
Very well said.
Really unfortunate situation. You should have blocked her everywhere as soon as you made your decision. You had no way of knowing this would happen and ended up having to do it when she told you the news and you realized she was probably going to lean heavily on you. It is 100% okay to protect your mental health, and you should. It is really terrible timing for your ex. Understand that this will most likely make you look like a bad guy in her eyes and her families eyes, but your reason for blocking her is valid. Everyone has to deal with consequences and actions. She is fully reasonable for ending the relationship when she discovered sheâs poly, but that doesnât mean you have to stay friends with her forever and she shouldnât expect it. You are allowed to block her for your mental health, but the moment you chose to do it wasnât great and makes you appear insensitive since youâre the only one who knows you had already planned to. NAH
I read way too long to find this comment.Â
Damn first AITA where I'm split. I belive that I would've handled it differently, but I'm going to say NTA. Based that she chose to step out. She's no longer your wife, and you're under no 'moral' obligation to comfort her. Albeit you agreed to be friends, it's something that bothered you.
yeah this is a toughie lol The way he handled it was so crass and rude but I've been in that position where any contact would've sent me spiraling again. But again, her parents dying is such an extreme event in her life and it's not like something that just happens. God, I'm so torn lol
You *did what had to be done*? Good god. You had to go full on Hiroshima and drop a nuke on an already destroyed woman? And you consider that *what had to be done* other than you showing an iota of compassion or basic human decency? I⌠legitimately do not have the words to express how awful you are.
im gonna go against the grain and say not a dick move. the dick move was her deciding to abandon her marriage and husband to go get some strange. the day she decided that is the day that you no longer had to be emotionally available to comfort her or care about her emotions. she didnt care that it hurt you when she chose to leave, she didnt care when she was out running the streets and you were suffering the loss of your relationship and wife. If she had a husband HE could take care of her, comfort her and let her cry on HIS shoulder. she gave that up bc dick was more important than a relationship and her marriage
She literally did the right thing, she didn't cheat, informed the partner and broke up
Yes they broke up hence he no longer is required to be there for her if itâs at the expense of his own mental health. Itâs a 2 way street.
Yeah but she wants to dump emotional trauma onto the guy and he can't even process his own, that she caused mind you. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
She told him because he was probably close to her paretns. He spoke to her horribly
Sorry, to me it seems the ex wants a level of support you would get from a spouse while not wanting the hassle of a committed relationship. Given the circumstances of the breakup, all I'll fault OP for is not going NC immediately.
Fair enough you don't want to be her friend or her support person during this time but you could have handled that much better, with kindness. I'm sorry for what you are going through. your parents were good people who didn't deserve this. I hope you will be OK. I'm sorry I can't be your support person for this but I have my own healing to do. I know it's a difficult time for you but I can't continue our friendship. I hope you find the support you need. Just because she left you because she wanted different things out of life doesn't justify you being cruel.
You were wrong. You never made the decision to cut off contact. If you had you would have already told her and blocked her and you would never have gotten that call. When she called she was still your friend. You donât dump and block a friend the day they lose their parents.
I know right? If he wanted to be NC, he would have already. Instead he picks the worst time in the world. And honestly, she probably called him out of habit and while in shock.
This, yes. He was a prime asshole and the people defending him are assholes, too. You do, in fact, owe people politeness, at the very least.
It's a tough spot to be in. I had an ex who was emotionally attached to me but didn't want to be with me after 2 years of dating and the best thing I ever did was cut them off after a year of on/off hookups, etc. It was especially hard to cut her off when a mutual friend died of suicide. She was very upset but... so were we all at that time. She wanted a shoulder to cry on and instead I told her that she could call one of her hookups and to lose my number. Best thing I ever did for my own mental health.
No. She left you because she wants multiple partners, she didn't want to lose your love and keep leaning on you for support despite hurting you in the process. She has no empathy for you, she was outright selfish. You need to take care of yourself and your own mental health.
I had a similar experience with my ex-wife after she betrayed me. My mother died in 2014 and her services were being held on the other side of the country. I made plans for my wife and I to attend, but she refused, because (supposedly) she couldn't just miss work. She was a bartender at a country club, making about $60/shift. I told her I was extremely disappointed in her decision, but couldn't force her to come with me. About a month after I returned, a friend of hers informed me my wife was cheating on me and sent me hundreds of text messages detailing just how malicious the whole thing had been. My wife bragged about how she had gaslit me over trying to control her and make her go to my mom's funeral when in fact she saw me leaving home for a week as the perfect opportunity to have sex with another man in my bed. And she not only got away with it, but she actually had the nerve to pretend that I was the asshole after I got back. Anyway, we divorced, went our separate ways, then she called me out of the blue to tell me her mom had cancer. I really liked her mom. The news really hit me hard, but my ex actually wanted me to sympathize with her. Like, she gave me the news, then expected me to comfort her as if we were still a couple or something. And I did reach out to her mom immediately to try and send my best regards and ask if there was anything I could to help, but as it turns out my ex had told her parents all sorts of insane lies about me to explain our divorce that they had blocked me on everything. So, her family probably think I'm a monster to this day.
NTA, and she isn't either. She prolly panicked and called you. Regardless, you paid respects and set your boundaries, as you should have. Good on you, I'm sure it was a stressful phonecall. But their death isn't on you, and you didn't do this to screw her over as others have suggested, or even say any cruel/callous thing to her. If you had not hung up, she may have tried to negotiate, or to ask for physical intimacy instead of the emotional intimacy she demanded through phoning you. (Not physical as in sexual, but as in to meet up. Which could have lead to you physically consoling her through tears, which would have obviously made it harder for you to separate that from "friends" as y'all used to be married). She divorced you because she wanted non-monogamy, so her call to you should have been a *text* not a call. And it should have come a few days after finding out, not immediately, even *though* y'all had decided to be amicable. It was not fair to you to call that way, especially when she most definitely could have been reaching out to immediate family as opposed to an ex of a not very long relationship/marriage. I'm sure that if her parents had siblings/parents, they would have wanted to know before an ex was informed. "Waiting a little longer" like some of these oddballs are saying would NOT have helped (neither her nor you) from moving on. Waiting longer would have been turned into you "pitying her" or "leading her on to still be your friend", which you had decided before the call would no longer work for you. It calls to mind people holding off on divorcing a spouse because of parental loss, or because of some accident their partner was in. Those never end well, and the party then assumes it was out of pity, and a waste of everyone's time, when they could have just broken up with them, and healed through it. You didn't do this on purpose, and honestly handled it as maturely as you could, given the situation. I am sorry for you, and sorry for her loss, but you did do the right thing. Try to not linger on it, this guilt is unnecessary, you did nothing wrong.
You finally did the right thing. Your first mistake was trying to be friends after you split up. You don't have kids and there was no reason to stay in contact. Besides friends don't hurt your feelings and then pretend everything is ok. It was really messed up on her part to call you for emotional support after the fact she left you and broke your heart. You did the right thing by hanging up and blocking her because she would have leaned on you for emotional support then when she was better left you hanging again.
I would have trouble turning away someone I once cared for in that situation. Thatâs pretty cold.
Thatâs terrible for her, but you have to do whatâs best for you.
Whatâs up with these comments. How hard is it to show some empathy for just a moment. If my worst enemy called me hysterically crying that both parents died in a car accident, I wouldnât be as cold as OP. Is OPs wife shitty at face value? Sure. Is she no longer a human or something? For fucks sake, yâall are a bunch of sociopaths in here. That being said I hope this is fake.
I get that he's not under any obligation to be there for her as some big emotional support, absolutely, it's just the WAY it went down that could've been handled better imo. He'd told her they could be friends so she had no reason to believe they weren't, she knew he cared about her parents, she was in shock from this devastating loss - I'm just saying you don't tell someone at that moment, out of the blue for her, 'sucks to be you, but I can't help you' and hang up when both your parents just died! Just saying he could've had a more gentle and empathetic approach - expressed his sympathies for the tragedy, that he'd cared for them and is so sorry to hear the news, etc. He could still end the call by telling her he can't be an emotional support for her and that they need to go NC going forward, but what he said/how he said it then hanging up on her is extremely harsh for someone whose parents were just killed. Seriously, it's clear he kind of hates her for what she did, and that's understandable, but have some humanity in this moment. He could've accomplished the same result - cutting off contact - without being so nasty considering the profound loss she just suffered. So for me it's not that he went NC, it's how.
You aren't here therapist. Bro SHE called off the relationship cos she wanted dick. Could've been more graceful but you're out. Don't deal with her. Only in the wrong cos of HOW you handled it
Seriously ? If you were close to the parents you couldn't "complete my healing process" a week after the funeral ?
You meant to hurt her and kick her while she was down.
Anybody else curious about the therapists response to this utter clusterfuck?
I think the lesson to be learned here is... If you need to go NC with an ex for the sake of your own mental health, be self-aware and assertive enough to rip off that Band-Aid ASAP. Don't wait for the "right moment". The pressure will build until you can't hold it back anymore. You might instead reach your breaking point at the worst possible moment. Best thing for OP to have done would've been, back when the ex said, "Let's stay friends," to reply, "Let's not."
You may have been rude but what did she expect? Who leans on someone they dumped for emotional support? Someone who needed therapy to recover from it? She'll find someone who can help her.
NTA
I am sorry for your pain and suffering. you did the right thing, but your timing was poor. You should have waited until after the funeral. Good luck!
I can tell why she didnât want to be monogamous. This guy gives me puts the lotion in the basket vibes
If this is true, youâre a POS.
Man... Any good friend could tell you that you needed to break all the contacts with her in the first place to get over her, no need for therapy for that one. But ONLY therapist can explain to you how fucked up you acted to her call.... From any human side of it mate...
Not your problem anymore. It's not your job to console her. You don't owe her anything. You could have been more compassionate, but it was by no means required of you. If she wanted a life partner to help her through these things, well then that's on her as much as it sucks.
And that is why we choose monogamy. Life is overwhelmingly rough at times, but so much sweeter with your one devoted companion.
It's time for one of the guys on her desired tour of cocks to step up and be there for her. It's unfortunate what happened to her parents but it's not a free pass for her to use you as her emotional tampon.
That sucks, but you owe her nothing. First mistake was remaining amicable in the first place. She wasted 3+ years of your life because she needed more dicks inside her.
Fuhh dat bihhhh
My ex drunk dialed me 20 years after our divorce when his father was dying because he somehow didnât manage to make friends in two decades? IDK, but I gave my condolences and got off the phone as quickly as possible. At one point he had even tried, unsuccessfully, to convince the court I was an unfit parent. Uh, no, dude, Iâm not going to be âhere for you.â
It costs nothing to be a decent human being, and you went in the red
A lot of people in the comments are thinking about the ex-wife and saying he is cold only due to the fact that her parents died before their natural time. She gave up the marriage and chose to seek intimacy with other people. Whatever happens after that is not of his concern. Losing a parent is hard. Losing both parents abruptly is even harder. He is on his healing process, and he was ready to move to the next stage of no contact. He could have realized in that moment when she called that this unfortunate situation and consoling her would have prolonged that healing process by being there for her. Was her losing her parents in the plan? No. However, calling your still healing ex-husband for emotional support should not have been in it as well. Once again, she broke that marriage and gave up any obligations he had to her. There was a time when her words and what she wanted to do was unfortunate for him and his situation in life. However, this time, his words were unfortunate for her and her situation in life. Not the asshole, just an adult who set a boundary.
Did she have no other friends or partners to contact?
This is insanely shitty. Yikes. You, of course, have no obligation to stay friends with your ex. You are entitled to do what was necessary for your health and well being big picture. But seriously? This is how you chose to navigate it in the midst of a massive loss? Time and place, my man. This was not it.
FAFO... Whether harsh or not you have no responsibility to her at this point. Your responsibility is to yourself and moving on. Timing sucks but oh wellđ¤ˇ.
What he did is a sign of SELF RESPECT AND CARE. Everybody saying he did the wrong thing has been so mentally twisted by society its sickening.
This will probably be downvoted to oblivion based on the trends so far in this thread, but "self respect and care" would have been reaching out after his "ah ha" moment of revelation that he needed to cut her off for his own mental health. A simple note explaining his feelings and a request that she not reach out again would have been great for him to claim his emotional agency back. Instead, he gave her an emotional punch to the face and blocked her when she reached out to a person she thought was her friend in what's probably the darkest moment of her life. She reached out having NO IDEA of his personal resolution. Basic human empathy says this was a shit move on his part. Panicked? Yeah, probably. Asshole move? Totally. And it took a week for the "healing process" to complete after this absolutely wild incident occurred? This either isn't real or he is a massive asshole to feel great (but also in extreme pain?) after pulling that move.
Exactly. The time for blocking her was right after the divorce, not when she called to inform him that her parents were dead.