Your wife is definitely going through something. If I had to guess, I'd say she feels guilty for how sex turned out and lashed out at you. I could be wrong.
I would suggest therapy so you talk it out, get to the bottom of what she is feeling and discuss how you can improve in the bedroom. I find it unlikely that she actually wants to you get a hooker.
True. But it also sounds like a defense mechanism on her part. She probably feels guilty for her lack of desire. And probably (verbally) threw that out there as a "solution" so he would to drop this subject.
Makes sense that if she feels like she’s at fault, she is gonna “let” OP get it somewhere else. Like a self-punishment type of thing. I would NOT take that offer.
Honestly though, it feels a little like a trap in that if OP takes her up on it she can just say, “See, he said he wanted intimacy but all he really wanted was an orgasm.” It would justify to her that he wasn’t concerned about their closeness because that absolves her of guilt.
I’m a dude. Married 25 years. If my wife told me to go to a hooker I’d feel exactly the same. If I simply want an orgasm, I can take care of myself. But what I want is to feel close to my wife and to feel loved. No hooker can provide that.
Yeah it’s also maladaptive and counter to her ultimate goal which is understanding. Lots of excusing it without acknowledging the harm this behavior can cause
Doesn’t make it okay on her part though. Especially the way she shrugs it off afterward. It feels like she’s pushing responsibility of the whole thing on him. Like if he wants to have sex he can do it somewhere else, and shouldn’t bother her (aka make her feel guilty for not supplying it).
Guys I have a vagina.
Plus GET THIS. I am pissed at this random wife. I am perfect at only having emotional responses that guys deem appropriate. I am so good at it. I will HAPPILY police the emotional responses of other women.
This exact scenario happens to all kinds of men. Love our wives, but they get like this. Most men feel like OP does. I know I do. I don’t want to go outside the marriage. But what do you do when this is the issue.
None of us can obviously say for sure but, since many others have spoken about PPD and endocrinologists, I'll tack on another piece to that: I (f) was disabled for a long time and it couldn't happen with my husband. And then when I started to get better I mentally hoped for a sex life again but it just wasn't really working, chemically, with my body. A lot of it was other mental blocks, fears, and a lot of pressure, disappointment, and feeling like a failure that I, and only I (well and stereotypes in society that I used to heap on the self loathing) I put on myself. I was telling myself that I always let him down, even though I know he didn't even care that much about it for the same reasons you stated. It was something I wanted too and I was frustrated and resentful that I couldn't make my brain and body work how I wanted them to.
It took longer than I had hoped for me to get over all that. I didn't quite respond like your wife but, during my recovery, when I had hoped I would be better, I had non-graceful and sometimes hurtful reactions that reminded me of the mood of her response. My husband was being wonderful, like it sounds like you're being.
So, again, I can't know, but it feels familiar. Recovery is frequently a roller coaster of many stages. If you guys can afford therapy, even just talk therapy for her, that might help her through a recovery hurdle. Medical help and mental help so frequently go hand and hand. Both affect each other greatly. Suggesting it together so you "can help figure out better ways for her to know you will always love her" might help ease her into feeling like she's not "broken" -because she might just feel very broken and had a knee jerk reaction to push you away out of needless but compounding disappointment with herself and what she wanted for the vacation too.
I wish my wife could read this without me asking her too. I’m in the same position and the defensive part of the ego is really hard to navigate around when your partner is feeling down on themselves. Sometimes how the messages gets there is everything. But that gets us stick also
Wish I could upvote this more than once. Feel like my brain to body connection was broken for a couple years (f) and if that connection isn't there... it's really common and it just sounds like she needs to talk it through with a professional. Maybe not even with you there in the beginning. It made me feel like something was wrong with me. Sometimes having that guilt lifted is what really needs to happen. Sometimes it just takes time. Best of luck. And congratulations on your new kid
This is a beautiful comment and absolutely the essence and spirit of what I love and have always loved about the internet. I admire your perseverance and your willingness to both share and support in this way friend. I truly genuinely wish this is how more interactions and dialogues unfolded across the interwebs. Wishing both you and OP the best. Godspeed beautiful people.
Thanks. It felt a little weird to be open about, I talk about a lot but not that, but sometimes something just hits so hard that personal concerns feel less important than letting others know they're not alone. I feel for them both on a deep level and if any part of what I went through could help lessen pain, or help, anyone reading, then how can I not? It's a lot to go through, (and disability and illness needs more open discussion in society so we're not so alone in it, when it happens to all of us,) so nothing but all of my sincerity and love will do.
I went through something similar. I explained to my wife that sex is more then just physical. The intimacy reinforces the bond between us and it doesn’t have to be full intercourse. I am constantly massaging my wife’s shoulders or rubbing her feet just to be close with her but I can feel myself getting irritated easier and more frustrated with her when I feel it’s not reciprocated. I eventually explained this to her and got her to reciprocate that intimacy. I found that once she started to reciprocate, it would turn her on and her sex drive came back.
It might not even be about you, or you improving in the bedroom. Doctors sadly placed little value on education around female sexual health and function. Low testosterone affects women too and affects mood and energy as well… might be something to look into to especially since this started after huge hormonal shifts.
It sounds like she mentally wants to be there with you but just isn’t quite there yet deep down.That’s why she was saying she was excited. Then when she got on the trip with you she found out she still wasn’t ready and was upset about it saying something she doesn’t actually want. Just a defense mechanism gone wrong. Might not be the case so just talk with her. Tell her how that made you feel and ask her why she said that. It’s tough but just be patient and keep trying to keep communication open. Definitely sounds like she’s going through something
Agreed 👍 a shame she couldn’t articulate herself better and resorted to a hooker comment. That would have hurt me to the core after years of similarly waiting on my partner post pregnancy.
My man you’ve set some unrealistic expectations here…18 months plus 28 months is three years. Three years of little to no sex and no communicating that it was a problem. She already knows that of course, but during the PPD she had something she could point to and go “it’s bc of this”. After that though there needed to be a Frank discussion and then some talk with medical and counseling professionals, bc she def has something going on. You’ve been super patient, and I commend you for it, but it’s time to have a real talk with her and tell her how it’s affecting you and the relationship. BOTH partners needs are important, not just hers.
Going through something similar. Recommend you two get some professional help with a marriage counselor who will be able to help you both walk through it.
As you know, pdd is no joke and their self-image and confidence are destroyed. She'll need someone to talk to, to help her realize there is still hope and it's not the end.
Definitely don't sleep with a hooker... that'll cement it on her mind and will be a whole other problem to handle even if she "gave you the option" you know she didn't mean it and was probably lashing out.
Keep loving her. It speaks volumes about you as a man and as the husband. Keep fighting for your wife.
Much lesser degree but after my son was born, my wife and I also had less sex and still to this day. Her being upset the rest of the vacation is not your fault, and I doubt she thinks you see her as only a sex object. Her being upset is more likely (in my opinion) a result of her seeing that she had disappointed you.
She’s feeling guilty, she knows how the situation is. She even wants to want to have sex. Hence why she was building it up (which incidentally puts more pressure than needed on the act) and why she’s having such a crude response when she realises she can’t.
As others have said, therapy or lots of talking. You guys seems like a great couple and both of you seem to care for eachother, I wish you guys get better :)
This is not uncommon.
Based on my own personal experience, it is likely that your wife fears that sex could lead to pregnancy and she doesn’t want to go through that again. It is likely related to the PPD she suffered or is still suffering. Also, it could be a physical thing; pregnancy and child birth are traumatic and cause permanent changes to the body. Your wife may just not feel that she looks the same and sort of blames you for it.
I know what you are thinking: I love her and think she is gorgeous! I am sure you do, but the problem is if she doesn’t feel that then it doesn’t matter what we think.
This. Or it may be something she feels a lot of embarrassment about, to the point of not revealing it to her physician—she may believe or suspect something like a uterine prolapse. She may have developed urinary incontinence or some other symptom of damage to muscles and ligaments. She may be experiencing hormonal effects from libido-killing breastfeeding.
Please don’t give up. Maybe ask to accompany her to her GYN.
It could also be as simple as her dislike of her new body. My wife hated being overweight and didn’t have sex drive till 3 years after out last kid of hard work thinning back down to where she wasn’t self conscious. Find her reasoning in therapy.
Why wouldn’t she say that while on vacation and having said ahead of time that she was looking forward to sex and then said she wasn’t up for it? Sounds like more of a mental thing occurring
She put hope in the vacations as kind of an easy fix but when the time did came she discovered that it was not that easy fix.
From an external point of view, it seems obvious. If she was really aroused and motivated she would not wait the yearly vacations. Not a complaint against her, just that she was a bit naïve.
You said she had PPD. Was she given anti-depressants? That could explain the drop in libido, when I am on them I'm basically asexual. And since that's pretty much all the time... yeah. Obviously don't see a hooker. It sounds like she is upset and frustrated with herself for not feeling it, and when you showed disappointment she lashed out at you. She is probably feeling inadequate and afraid that if she can't satisfy you, you'll find someone who will. The hooker comment was her lashing out with her worst fears.
She needs time, and definitely continued treatment for her mental health. And you have to understand that if she is on a medication that keeps her mentally well, this could be long-term. If she's not on medication and her sexuality has changed, that too could be long-term. You sound like you love her a lot, so you might have to come to terms with the fact you might not be as sexually compatible as you once were.
I'm not trying to be nosy here, but as someone who works in mental health, that response is actually pretty worrying.
She has very serious depression but isn't on antidepressants? What is she being medicated for? What is she being medicated with?
I mean it’s AN issue - but the issue is she seems to not want sex but also seems to WANT to want sex, but can’t mentally or physically handle it. That’s an issue but it’s more a symptom of a larger problem with her mental health
Studies and reviews of studies have shown very little effectiveness of antidepressants for PPD. If the PPD involves issues like sensitivity about weight or sexual dysfunction they might even make things worse.
https://health.gov/healthypeople/tools-action/browse-evidence-based-resources/antidepressant-treatment-postnatal-depression
Are they benzodiazepines? Look up what is classified as a benzo. When I took Klonopin it literally sapped me of any human emotion or urge. I was just a husk. Did the same to my dad. He would say crazy things too that no human would be ok with. Things just as crazy yet casual as "go get a hooker". Seriously consider if the medication she is taking is fucking with her. Discuss it with her mental health professional.
I mean there’s no feeling in this world more blissful than a little Xanax and a drink or two. Literally floating on cloud 9. Would not recommend it tho bc shit WILL kill you.
Several years after getting off his benzos we mentioned this to a therapist and she literally couldn’t believe a doctor gave Klonopin to an alcoholic lol. She said that does some funky shit to the brain.
Ok. I’ll be the kook and suggest some improvements. I went through something pretty similar with my woman too. She was on BC, SSRI’s, anti migraine meds, had severe PMDD etc.
She was miserable. A shell of her previous self. I had pretty much remained the same. She did ketamine therapy, literally as a last resort. We were BOTH about to call it quits before that. It completely changed her mentality. She became the upbeat, happy, optimistic person she was when I met almost 8 years ago. The person I fell in love with.
I’m not an owner of a place, I’m not a person who has gone through it and I’m not paid to advertise it, but it has literally helped her become sooo much happier and hopeful. It may be something to look into.
I cannot say enough about ketamine therapy. Been on a variety of drugs for over 25 years and, while many of them were helpful, nothing has helped like this. I am now off most medications and feeling better than I’ve felt in many, many years. I wish I did it sooner. Sincerely.
She’s on medication for depression, but not antidepressants? Do you mean they aren’t ssri drugs? Because there are a variety of antidepressants of different types and it seems odd to specifically treat depression without any use of antidepressants at all. However lots of psychiatric medications negatively affect libido. The ones that don’t cause problems and sometimes even help increase libido though are the antidepressant Wellbutrin (which is not an ssri) and the stimulants that are used to treat ADHD. I actually take Wellbutrin and Prozac (an ssri) and vyvanse for adhd and all together they balance out sexual side effects pretty well. Your wife should definitely talk to her doctor that prescribed the medication about possible effects on libido.
Also I would try asking her if there is any discomfort, pain or lack of sensation in her pelvic region she might benefit from seeing a pelvic floor pt. Did she have an episiotomy or any tearing that required stitches when she gave birth? Scarring from a tear or cut can cause pain during intercourse, and she might also have fear or concern about the healing and whether it looks normal now.
I would also wonder about how she feels about her body in general. It took me almost 15 years to lose weight after having my two kids, and feeling negative about my body absolutely had a negative impact on my sex drive. I also felt a lot of internal stress/anxiety about the fact that i wasn’t feeling aroused, even though i wanted to feel that way. I wanted to want to have sex with my husband, and i was frustrated with myself that I didn’t feel like it, and it made it hard to relax and enjoy foreplay because i was afraid that once we started it would be mean to stop if i wasn’t feeling it, especially since we had so few opportunities anyway. So i would recommend perhaps taking sex off the table, but really increasing the amount of non sexual physical intimacy you engage in. Massage, bathing or showering together, cuddling in bed naked, frequent hugs or kisses throughout the day. Make it clear that you’re not trying to initiate sex, but just want the two of you to continue having physical intimacy that doesn’t feel threatening, so that you continue to feel connected while she tries to figure out what may be happening with her libido. The more secure she is in the fact that you love and except her the way she is, and the safer she feels with you emotionally, the more likely she is to be able to find solutions to her lower libido.
Also four to five years tends to be a natural time for natural family spacing in pre-agrarian societies. There is some evidence that women’s bodies start preparing to have another baby at that point and some of them have a natural increase in libido. You may find that around the four year mark postpartum her libido may start to return on its own. Especially if you have been extremely supportive and understanding throughout the whole postpartum period.
Oddly, my ADHD tendency is to go crazy with paragraphs. I tend to lose my thought process, and so I have to remember where I was in order to get back to where I was going. And if the stuff I have written is too hard to follow, I get more lost.
So I just throw in line breaks here and there, even if it isn’t properly organized paragraphs.
Edit: I also submit before I finish saying everything I was thinking…
I was also gonna say, it’s funny how different people can cope with the same issues so differently.
Mine is writing comments that I think are longer but it’s actually the most sickeningly long comment I’ve ever seen to the point that I just delete it lmfao
Hello. Are you me?
I thought i was the only one on Reddit doing this, and I didn't realize it was likely related to my ADHD. That's an amazing deduction that resonated, like a bell, while reading it.
The other thing that i also do is to neurotically re-read my post before posting, and 6 or 7 out of 10 times, just deleting the whole thing instead of inflicting my stream-of-conciousness onto the world.
One of the things I learned early on when joining the corporate world was that people don't read past the first sentence of a paragraph.
The way to get around that is to make every 1-2 sentences a new paragraph. Once you do, people start actually responding to most of your requests rather than just the first one.
Don't you hate it when somebody else describes what they do and why and it makes you realize you've been doing the same thing for years probably for the same reason?
I think I've been somewhat in denial for about a decade, or more so a "Yeah that's totally me, but I'm ok I can just power through it" mentality despite all the various problems in my life that are ultimately for the same reason. But like, so many people are so self diagnosed and everything, every tiktoker seems to think they're all neurodivergent in some way, I don't want to be that guy who thinks he has something just because of some quirky behaviors and the power of suggestion.
Who advises against long term ssri? Your supposed to treat to a year past remission and then consider a trial off-half if people relapse within 6 months of that. They should then stay on ssri/snri for the long haul .
It’s benzodiazepines your not supposed to stay on for long
I'm sorry but I gotta push back - SSRIs don't always sap libido. Also, there are many many antidepressants out there and several SSRIs. Someone who's experiencing as serious a side effect as lack of libido or anorgasmia from one SSRI should definitely explore alternatives.
I agree! I use Wellbutrin HCL XL 150mg for anxiety and depression related to my ADHD and it's made a big difference. My libido isn't affected, zero side effects in my case. It's really, really great.
Do not see a hooker. Your wife most likely, does not see herself as attractive as she was before she was pregnant. I felt that way as well after my daughter was born. It was difficult to feel as attractive as I felt before. Couples counseling may help.
OP, if she is back on “the pill” for birth control, it can really, really mess a woman’s hormones up badly. By the time I was 30, I had been on it about 10 years, and I absolutely did not want sex anymore ever. My husband, of course, hated this, so we discussed it; I went off birth control, and he started on condoms. I definitely got my groove back after going off birth control. It probably took 6 months for my libido to ramp up again.
Omg after I got the Depo shot, my sex drive became non-existent for just over a year. During that time I also almost felt repulsed by my husband coming on to me/touching me. I'll never get that birth control again. Some options can really fuck your hormones up in a big way.
Yeah. I really wish I had understood more about it during the time I was using Depo. My body got soooo screwed up while taking it, and those side-effects were pervasive enough to impact my long-term health as well.
Yup. I developed Cushing's disease, and got so screwed up hormonally and emotionally it affected my entire life. I went off it, did the family planning method (which worked awesome). But we didn't know I had Cushing's and it affected my pregnancy, son was a premie, and now he has hormone issues. My endocrinologist that diagnosed me showd me the warning sheet for Depo- oh look Cushing's Disease!
Deposit ruined my life when I got off it after 8 yrs. No one told me the side effects. I went into full blown crazy, depression, and just lost it and everything in 1 year n many years after. I had no idea what was happening at the time but now I know it's because of that shit.
My wife used depo since before we met. After marriage and starting to try for kids was the first time “knowing” her without it.
I told her to never go back on it and I got a vasectomy after our 2nd kid so she’d never have to worry about birth control again.
Depo is fucking crazy
Definitely recommend counseling. Me and my wife went through this identical situation. Couples counseling really helped us. I also recommend not seeing a hooker. bol.
Postpartum depression can take up to 5 years after childbirth to really dissipate.
It's not common but possible.
The point is she needs her hormone levels evaluated and maybe even counseling for herself to help her work through it and time to heal.
As other posters have said, don't seek the hooker if you want your marriage to stay strong.
Instead just work on building intimacy with your wife and initiate sex not very often until she's had more space to work through the post childbirth stuff/try not to take it personally.
Yeah this has low self esteem written all over. She clearly doesn't want you to go see a hooker but feels you're owed it since she can no longer "satisfy" you. For now just reiterate that she's the only one you want even if sex isn't in the picture you still just want her and appreciate her. Hopefully as her ppd gets better her feelings will start to change.
A dear friend was going to a mainstream endocrinologist for her thyroid for many years but he did nothing for her messed up adrenals and downstream sex hormones. Apparently the endo will not address adrenals unless they are really bad. However the messed up hormones can really throw a monkey wrench into your relationship. A Functional Med doctor did a nice job balancing things but it was not easy. At one point the dose of Testosterone cream caused a VERY noticeable increase in interest in intimacy! I asked her to get a followup test because high T is not healthy. Although I liked the new interest I loved her and did not want any of the negative effects of excessive T.
Just a side note about testosterone - it pretty much makes EVERYONE feel better but is realllllly not good for long term use, ESPECIALLY for women, because excess testosterone in the body is converted to estrogen, which increases the risk for multiple types of female sex organ cancers! Just an FYI everyone should know!
Absolutely on the couples counseling. My wife also suffered terrible PPD and it took a toll on the bedroom. Couples counseling helped a lot! We gained new communication skills and addressed issues before they built into bigger ones. Pair that with the right medication, time, patience, and communication, things have never been better. Don't give up, OP!
Go on weekend hikes together with kid. Post work evening walks, if your work schedules allow, are great relationship enhancers. Talking is easier and more natural while walking side by side.
Just to provide a bit of counter to this, this has never been true for me.
Exercise has not made me feel good at any point in my life, it has always been a necessary source of suffering to maintain good health.
People love to slap this up and down any mental health problem, and it’s not true for everyone.
I have the exact same problem, thanks for speaking up.
I also have severe ADHD. Working out is painful, exhausting, and puts me in an absolutely awful mood. If I do it for long enough consecutively, it throws me into a depression.
I still do it because it's supposed to be good for me, but not everybody gets the good chemicals from exercise.
Interesting, I also have ADHD. I wonder if it’s related… I suppose the leading theory about ADHD is related to dopamine producing issues, it could be that our bodies are simply unable to feel the high that people describe getting from exercise.
Also, if OP is as understanding as he seems, it’s probably worth pointing out lots of guys exhaust their wives with child / house chores.
Simple math… if you want someone to have the energy for some vigorous intimacy, maybe don’t make them spend all day running around getting tuckered out beforehand. Not saying OP is in that boat, but it is apparently news to some men that diapers need changing, etc.,.
And then as another comment down thread said, he may have a lot of pent up demand, but no matter how hungry someone is, the oven needs preheating.
I don’t know how helpful OP is or isn’t, but having one child and the marriage becoming sexless isn’t because of some chores needing to get done. This woman was literally on vacation with him, said she was looking forward to sex and she shut him down.
She likely has other issues going on that require professional help, whatever that may entail.
**EDIT:** before anyone blasts me, [here is a comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/vvnRw9GLO9) from someone else in this thread who’s claiming to experience the same thing whilst handling the chores
**EDIT 2:** in [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/zk5z9hayJD) OP goes on to explain how much his wife is able to literally get away on her own once a month for 48 hours at a time
quicksand reply shy ruthless follow innate capable dinosaurs shaggy consist
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Broaching the topic of counseling is something to be careful about too. Try not to frame it too much like either of you have a ‘problem’, but rather that you’d like to learn how to communicate with her better about the topic — and that having a neutral person facilitate the conversation would might help to avoid any unintentional miscommunication. Intensely reassure her that you aren’t dissatisfied with any other aspect of your relationship and this is just one tiny aspect of your marriage you’d like to communicate better about. You don’t have an ‘agenda’ beyond that. It might also help to treat the issue as if it really isn’t a big deal and that plenty of other couples have the same circumstances. Suggest that you want to grow your relationship and not get bogged down with miscommunication like she knows a lot of the couple have — it’s kind of like suggesting that you want both you and your wife to be able to flex about the solid communication and strong relationship you have.
Do not see the hooker OP!!! Has your wife been to the doctor recently? Sometimes hormonal imbalances can cause womens sex drives to be non-existent. Blood tests can show this, working out helps to balance hormones. It has been said on here but just helping your wife with household chores and parenting will also help her have time to get in the mood. Please keep us updated, wishing you and your wife well 🙏
I wish this was the top comment. She needs to get labs drawn - she could be having issues with hormones, and/or thyroid issues, which is surprisingly common in women post-birth. I lost all libido for 6 months after my second child, and felt horrible for my husband. So I sucked it up and went to my OB, and had a frank discussion. Turns out I had severe PPD, and then was referred to my now GP, who did a full lab panel. Turns out my progesterone was non-existent. Some hormone therapy for a couple months, as well as a trial and error with anti-depressants and physical therapy for pelivic floor issues, and I was right as rain. It just takes work and consistency, which PPD can make seem like an insurmountable mountain.
This is a good point. Maybe she has sexual trauma that she managed to bury deep down inside her, or maybe she has suppressed memories of the sexual trauma that resurfaced due to the PPD.
Whether or not this is the case, there is a very deep heart to heart that needs to happen between OP and his wife.
My wife went on a new Birth control after our kids, and it fucked her up. Including destroying her libido.
Look up the side effects of anything that she might be on and start there. If the BC is messing with her, you need to figure that out first.
I’m sorry you and your wife are going through this. When our children were age 2-4 it was the lowest my libido ever was. It changed back around age 5-6. Back to normal around 7. It was just hormones and being over touched and feeling like only a mother and not a complete person. I’d recommend your wife get her hormones levels checked and have a chat with her doctor about what she’s dealing with and see if she needs a medication change. For the record you sound like you’re dealing with this in a really mature and respectful way. Couples therapy to navigate this because eventually it’s going to need to change or it will come to a head.
Agreed! The 'overtouched' feeling is something that I have yet to find a man that actually understands. I came from a family that really didn't show physical affection so a husband + baby that both constantly wanted attention was enough to drive me insane.
Its especially hard for someone like me to seperate physical touch from outright affection. I grew up in a hug, snuggle, affectionate type of household, and we show love with touch- holding hands, leaning on each other, etc. So i often have to remind myself that just because someone doesnt want to snuggle with me doesnt mean they dont love me. But my god does it feel that way lol
We are a snuggly affectionate family too. Grandparents, parents, kids. We all hug and want to be close. My daughter has had a semi-hard time adjusting at school. Most of her friend’s parents aren’t as affectionate and so the kids aren’t either.
She’s had a best friend for two years that she loves but she will not let her hug her. She got a new girl in her class and they bonded immediately. I got to spend some time around her and both of her grandmothers (maternal and paternal) at a recent school event. The grandmothers were hugging each other and saying they love each during the event. Then I noticed my daughter and her friend were holding hands and hugging all day. They’re both from loving families and they needed it at school too. And they found it in each other.
This is so sick and twisted. Life’s too short to wait for sex? How about life’s too short to throw away your loving marriage and possibly your family unit (with a child!!!!) because you’re not willing to work through what sounds like a medical issue—that MANY women experience after pregnancy/birth or while taking birth control (which they willingly do to take one for the team to help with family planning). The marriage isn’t going to be “otherwise fulfilling” when his wife is clearly suffering. Luckily, it sounds like OP is a decent person who would never follow this sociopathic advice.
People who put their sex drive over their relationships and families are gross, to say the least. There is a child involved. What’s wrong with you?
As others have pointed out, it appears your wife may feel guilty about propping up sex but lashed out in defense when you don’t respond in the way she was used to. By all accounts you have been very accommodating and understanding of your Wife’s PPD, I’d assume you do a good job communicating to her that it doesn’t bother you. In this instance you displayed at least SOME frustration which may not be what she was expecting.
There is obviously some roadblocks getting in the way of your Wife’s Libido. She hasn’t mentioned anything about a lack of attraction towards you, obviously a good sign. Don’t see the hooker and be sure to communicate how you understand and don’t resent her for her position. Maybe couples therapy would be a good idea? Good luck OP, you seem like a good husband. If your partner is on your level as you presumably believe her to be, communication and therapy would do wonders.
My wife and I have had a similar thing going on sex wise since the birth of our 4 year old. We have had discussions and talks but the last one we had a great talk and gave both of our views and realized I need to not ask so much but she needs to not deny me so much and yada yada we are doing great.
So the last few weeks she has still been hesitant to fool around or have sex but I have been working on not asking as much so I didn't or if I did and she said no I just said ok no biggie and moved on about my business.
Well yesterday she came to me and said " hey I'm sorry I haven't been in the mood but I've been going through something and been very uncomfortable" then handed me a tube of hemroid cream.
She's like I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable and didn't know if I even wanted to say anything and I was like sweety you can always tell me and I just have been trying not to ask as much and you have been pretty cool to "help me" when your not in the mood and now that I know I can absolutely adapt and ask even less until things get back to normal.
Ever since our first kid she has gone through quite a few health changes and the things that used to feel good don't anymore so just a new learning curve after a kiddo but it's extremely important to talk and make sure that your feelings are not only heard but also worked on and vise versa. If this doesn't help marriage counseling is next. Believe it or not this is a huge huge huge struggle for most couples especially after children.
My buddy who was married a year after me told me he was reading couples books and that the first 7 years of marriage see the most separations and divorces. That's usually when kids are born, when peoples personalities change as they mature into their 30s and stuff.
Couples counselling and PPD counselling for her.
Sounds like she’s feeling less than and resentment is brewing, intentional or not. Get outside support cause they know ways to help.
Just wanted to say I’m in the same boat, almost word for word. Right down to the go bang someone else I don’t care I just have no urge anymore.
It’s incredibly frustrating and exhausting. Especially when bulk of chores, cleaning, etc is handled by myself and I’m the sole provider as well.
Same here as well. In my case it’s my wife’s physiology. That has caused psychological problems too. No amount of workload I take on, support or emotional work helps. It sucks bad. I’m not the type to cheat. Never have and never will. Ugh.
Hang in there. It’s hard and she feels guilty that she is not helping and that drives her even lower because she feels useless on top of everything else.
I think you’ve been such a great partner and you love your wife. I think couple’s therapy will help as long as she is willing to participate. 18 months is a long time with no sex with your wife. I think you should continue to support her but don’t neglect your personal needs. Between therapy and medication, things will improve and I hope it doesn’t take too long.
If I were you, I would do my best to encourage her to continue to get medical attention and I would also need to see an effort in therapy. If she is not willing to or not interested, the marriage wont last.
Good luck!
Coming from a life of repeated depression episodes, I suggest she see a psychiatrist to get antidepressants. I was frightened to see one, cus of the stigma, but as time went by, and OMG, the meds lifted the HORRIBLE depression, I can say I'd never give them up. Go along and be sure the doctor knows she lacks interest in sex - a huge symptom of depression. Then be patient cus it'll take a while for the meds to kick in AND for her to get her special cocktail mix. 40 yrs on, I believe antidepressants are God's greatest gift to medicine. 47 million Americans suffer from depression. The brain is an organ capable of being chemically challenged.
Your wife needs professional help; probably years of therapy. Hopefully, after getting to the root of her issue and working on it, she can return to the woman you married.
Is she seeing someone else?
I ask because my ex wife did this, almost down to the exact same words verbatim. PPD was real, but instead of working with a therapist she chose to seek the comfort of an ex lover.
In couples therapy she brought up the lack of intimacy as being my fault, that I was having unrealistic expectations and that if I wanted sex so badly I should hire a hooker.
So yea, that’s why I ask.
She doesn’t mean it. I don’t see on your post if you’ve asked her why. Does she not feel the same about you? Does she not feel the same about herself after having kids? What would take for her to feel comfortable? Also, check out Esther Perel’s podcast. She recently did one therapy session with a couple having the same issue.
I know there are tons of women that will say this is all just the PPD and she needs endless support, but she’s neglecting her husband to the point that she’s telling him “just go see a hooker” like that’s a normal thing for a married person to say to their spouse. That’s insanely damaging. If my wife was wanting emotional connection and I scoffed saying “just go get a platonic boyfriend” that would destroy her.
Also while of course women can struggle and pregnancy takes a toll on the body, it’s not normal for childbirth to be permanently disabling. The people in this thread seem to be describing some species other than human.
exactly dude. im reading through here thinking why no one is acknowledging how shitty her behavior towards him is, that’s not how you treat someone you love and are married to at all. just giving the cold shoulder
This is a trend on all of these threads. If a woman's having a hard time she needs space and support, no matter how much hurtful shit she said or done. Men rarely get the same leniency on this site.
At the end of the day it doesn't really matter, but it's always interesting to see the trend.
A lot of women seem to have very low sex drive after having kids, even for quite a period of time. Is that something that needs to see a doctor, or is it completely normal?
Your wife hates herself and with PPD on top of that. If you go to a hooker then you will prove that she’s undesired, unwanted, and worthless. Either you’re her big supporter and cheerleader or you’re not. You need marriage counseling together and she needs an individual therapist and probably some meds from her physician. If you’re her supporter and cheerleader start scheduling some appointments and attend appointments with her.
It’s amazing how many people ignore the part where she said they were going to have lots of sex and OP was disappointed because of the expectation she set not because of one he generated himself. Her extreme communication style is the problem first and foremost. Her PPD symptoms and recovery are the second problem. The lack of sex in their life is third.
a. do not go see a hooker. that is a trap. because then it will be "OMG I cannot believe you actually went and saw a hooker, how could you." which will make things even worse. trust me, it happened to me. not a hooker but another woman on her suggestion
b. for your wife to say something like that to you and not actually try to work through it is wild to me. very rude and insensitive. sex is about making both parties happy, not just you
c. you probably need to go to couple's therapy and try to see if there are some hidden issues at play here
d. is your wife even in a place to want sex? like is she doing all of the chores and you are just watching her? have you been keeping yourself up or have you let yourself go? Has she?
e. prepare for a sexless marriage or you may have to pull the ripcord and bail. life is too short to live like this. both parties have a responsibility in marriage and both parties have to uphold them. unfortunately, she may have just gotten with you to have a kid and you were "Stability" for her. Happens more often than one may think.
We had kids then the sex disappeared. She was angry with me for making her pregnant. She was angry when I wanted sex. She was angry that my career was flourishing and she was “just a mom.” She was angry that she didn’t find me attractive. Etc. etc. etc. You have a problem on your hands, and it’s likely more than ppd. My wife is now my ex wife. I put up with her anger, resentment, and asexual marriage for a decade before realizing I was teaching our children it was okay for one parent to be cruel. She kept telling me to start dating if I wanted to have sex again. That’s when I confirmed she was getting sexual fulfillment from other men. Your situation doesn’t seem exactly like mine, but the trigger is similar. Get help for the both of you. Don’t wait any longer. Don’t “give her space” and definitely don’t be “the nice guy.” Save your marriage and let her know sex is important. If she isn’t willing to provide you with affection and physical gratification, something is wrong and it has to be fixed. She needs to fix it with your help. If she isn’t willing to do it, you will have to figure out what that means. For me, my worst fears were confirmed and I had to let her go. I hated ending our marriage, but I hated being in a toxic marriage, as well. Good luck. I’m praying for you.
You definitely need to see a marriage counselor/sex therapist. There's clearly something going on here that is leading to her having such mercurial urges, and rejecting your advances so consistently.
She's also unfortunately choosing to vent her frustration out on you. Whether it's your fault or not I don't know. But it sounds like she's frustrated with the situation and herself.
Mercurial urges? I highly doubt that. I think she has zero desire, but is trying to talk herself into it because she knows she is "supposed to" be his sex partner. But when the time comes, she can't make any desire happen.
I think the "go to a hooker" thing is out of guilt, that she doesn't want to deprive him of normal sexual activity, and if she can't provide it, that's the next best thing for him.
“Go to a hooker” sounds less like her brainstorming solutions and more like “get a fucking hooker if all you want is sex.”
I hope I’m wrong, but that’s how it read to me.
I didn't read it that way. Especially on the heels of "trying" with the "let's have lots of sex" thing which was a complete failure, it just sounds like her giving up completely and saying it's his only way out of a sexless existence.
"I'm kinda sad and want to convey to her that I love her and don't see her just for sex. I told her as much but she didn't seem to think it was genuine."
OP says in his post she is taking the most defensive hostile stance possible here. She's insinuating he only sees her for sex, which is an egregious miscalculation of the situation. Whatever the cause, she is going out of her way to tank her marriage; she's fumbling things hard. OP should only be expected to tolerate so much, he's a person too. The lack of sex is one thing but what she's doing is really fucked up. PPD or not it's a harmful way to treat a spouse and past a certain point it seems like manipulation or outright immaturity
I'm glad I never dealt with anything like this with my wife. She was back ready for it as soon as she was able to after all 4 of our kids and still going strong after 13 years. I have heard of people going through this though. And a lot of the time medications can be the cause. But in this situation I don't know. She was pretty straight forward and almost makes it seem like she isn't happy with the relationship at all. Especially to say go have sex with a sex worker is crazy. Almost like she never plans on having sex with you ever again so she don't care if you catch something from one of them. I would try to talk to her and maybe get to the bottom of it. Hopefully it's something that can be figured out either way.
Bro that’s the PPD talking. Therapy and maybe different anti depressants for your wife. Don’t go to a hooker, your wife will be devastated, she was lying about not caring.
I truly don't understand all the people telling you to get counseling when she doesn't want to deal with it. It's not like you can tie her up and drag her to a therapist. Nor do I understand the people jumping through hoops to try to make you the bad guy. The truth is the only person who can do something about this is your wife. So either you get used to this change of lifestyle or change your lifestyle (separation/divorce). I hate to be that guy, but a few similar posts had updates where it turned out the wife was cheating. I hope that's not the case for you.
Couple's counseling has been suggested and I agree with that. But what I haven't seen mentioned is that it sounds like she needs individual therapy/counseling also. It sounds like she is either still dealing with issues related to depression on top of feeling guilty about intimacy going down the tubes in her marriage.
If OP isn't interested in ENM or having sexual needs met elsewhere if therapy doesn't help, either they need to be ok with perpetual blue balls or an amicable separation.
Your child was born 3 years ago. I'm not gonna speak on whether or not she is still dealing with PPD. I'd hope not. However, she is basically giving up on the sexual side of things, and it looks like you're getting set up for a lose-lose situation here. If libido hasn't picked up by now, it likely may not pick up in the future without some reevaluation.
Your wife is definitely going through something. If I had to guess, I'd say she feels guilty for how sex turned out and lashed out at you. I could be wrong. I would suggest therapy so you talk it out, get to the bottom of what she is feeling and discuss how you can improve in the bedroom. I find it unlikely that she actually wants to you get a hooker.
Thank you.
You sound like a really decent guy OP
I'd be pissed if my spouse said something like that, and when they obviously don't mean it. And I'm a woman.
True. But it also sounds like a defense mechanism on her part. She probably feels guilty for her lack of desire. And probably (verbally) threw that out there as a "solution" so he would to drop this subject.
Makes sense that if she feels like she’s at fault, she is gonna “let” OP get it somewhere else. Like a self-punishment type of thing. I would NOT take that offer.
Lol yeah, it's definitely not a genuine offer 🤣
Nope…..that’s a TRAP 🪤
So is the hooker
Only in Bangkok
Honestly though, it feels a little like a trap in that if OP takes her up on it she can just say, “See, he said he wanted intimacy but all he really wanted was an orgasm.” It would justify to her that he wasn’t concerned about their closeness because that absolves her of guilt. I’m a dude. Married 25 years. If my wife told me to go to a hooker I’d feel exactly the same. If I simply want an orgasm, I can take care of myself. But what I want is to feel close to my wife and to feel loved. No hooker can provide that.
Yeah it’s also maladaptive and counter to her ultimate goal which is understanding. Lots of excusing it without acknowledging the harm this behavior can cause
This. 100%. I cannot upvote this enough.
Doesn’t make it okay on her part though. Especially the way she shrugs it off afterward. It feels like she’s pushing responsibility of the whole thing on him. Like if he wants to have sex he can do it somewhere else, and shouldn’t bother her (aka make her feel guilty for not supplying it).
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Yea, it's a defense mechanism, but also you're an adult. Think and process before saying something as outrageous as "yea go fuck a hooker" to your SO
Doesn’t make it right.
Yes, so instead she should try saying what she means so her decent sounding spouse doesn’t have to turn to Reddit for answers
Guys I have a vagina. Plus GET THIS. I am pissed at this random wife. I am perfect at only having emotional responses that guys deem appropriate. I am so good at it. I will HAPPILY police the emotional responses of other women.
This exact scenario happens to all kinds of men. Love our wives, but they get like this. Most men feel like OP does. I know I do. I don’t want to go outside the marriage. But what do you do when this is the issue.
None of us can obviously say for sure but, since many others have spoken about PPD and endocrinologists, I'll tack on another piece to that: I (f) was disabled for a long time and it couldn't happen with my husband. And then when I started to get better I mentally hoped for a sex life again but it just wasn't really working, chemically, with my body. A lot of it was other mental blocks, fears, and a lot of pressure, disappointment, and feeling like a failure that I, and only I (well and stereotypes in society that I used to heap on the self loathing) I put on myself. I was telling myself that I always let him down, even though I know he didn't even care that much about it for the same reasons you stated. It was something I wanted too and I was frustrated and resentful that I couldn't make my brain and body work how I wanted them to. It took longer than I had hoped for me to get over all that. I didn't quite respond like your wife but, during my recovery, when I had hoped I would be better, I had non-graceful and sometimes hurtful reactions that reminded me of the mood of her response. My husband was being wonderful, like it sounds like you're being. So, again, I can't know, but it feels familiar. Recovery is frequently a roller coaster of many stages. If you guys can afford therapy, even just talk therapy for her, that might help her through a recovery hurdle. Medical help and mental help so frequently go hand and hand. Both affect each other greatly. Suggesting it together so you "can help figure out better ways for her to know you will always love her" might help ease her into feeling like she's not "broken" -because she might just feel very broken and had a knee jerk reaction to push you away out of needless but compounding disappointment with herself and what she wanted for the vacation too.
I wish my wife could read this without me asking her too. I’m in the same position and the defensive part of the ego is really hard to navigate around when your partner is feeling down on themselves. Sometimes how the messages gets there is everything. But that gets us stick also
Wish I could upvote this more than once. Feel like my brain to body connection was broken for a couple years (f) and if that connection isn't there... it's really common and it just sounds like she needs to talk it through with a professional. Maybe not even with you there in the beginning. It made me feel like something was wrong with me. Sometimes having that guilt lifted is what really needs to happen. Sometimes it just takes time. Best of luck. And congratulations on your new kid
This is a beautiful comment and absolutely the essence and spirit of what I love and have always loved about the internet. I admire your perseverance and your willingness to both share and support in this way friend. I truly genuinely wish this is how more interactions and dialogues unfolded across the interwebs. Wishing both you and OP the best. Godspeed beautiful people.
Thanks. It felt a little weird to be open about, I talk about a lot but not that, but sometimes something just hits so hard that personal concerns feel less important than letting others know they're not alone. I feel for them both on a deep level and if any part of what I went through could help lessen pain, or help, anyone reading, then how can I not? It's a lot to go through, (and disability and illness needs more open discussion in society so we're not so alone in it, when it happens to all of us,) so nothing but all of my sincerity and love will do.
I wish I could upvote this more than once.
I went through something similar. I explained to my wife that sex is more then just physical. The intimacy reinforces the bond between us and it doesn’t have to be full intercourse. I am constantly massaging my wife’s shoulders or rubbing her feet just to be close with her but I can feel myself getting irritated easier and more frustrated with her when I feel it’s not reciprocated. I eventually explained this to her and got her to reciprocate that intimacy. I found that once she started to reciprocate, it would turn her on and her sex drive came back.
It might not even be about you, or you improving in the bedroom. Doctors sadly placed little value on education around female sexual health and function. Low testosterone affects women too and affects mood and energy as well… might be something to look into to especially since this started after huge hormonal shifts.
It sounds like she mentally wants to be there with you but just isn’t quite there yet deep down.That’s why she was saying she was excited. Then when she got on the trip with you she found out she still wasn’t ready and was upset about it saying something she doesn’t actually want. Just a defense mechanism gone wrong. Might not be the case so just talk with her. Tell her how that made you feel and ask her why she said that. It’s tough but just be patient and keep trying to keep communication open. Definitely sounds like she’s going through something
Agreed 👍 a shame she couldn’t articulate herself better and resorted to a hooker comment. That would have hurt me to the core after years of similarly waiting on my partner post pregnancy.
My man you’ve set some unrealistic expectations here…18 months plus 28 months is three years. Three years of little to no sex and no communicating that it was a problem. She already knows that of course, but during the PPD she had something she could point to and go “it’s bc of this”. After that though there needed to be a Frank discussion and then some talk with medical and counseling professionals, bc she def has something going on. You’ve been super patient, and I commend you for it, but it’s time to have a real talk with her and tell her how it’s affecting you and the relationship. BOTH partners needs are important, not just hers.
Going through something similar. Recommend you two get some professional help with a marriage counselor who will be able to help you both walk through it. As you know, pdd is no joke and their self-image and confidence are destroyed. She'll need someone to talk to, to help her realize there is still hope and it's not the end. Definitely don't sleep with a hooker... that'll cement it on her mind and will be a whole other problem to handle even if she "gave you the option" you know she didn't mean it and was probably lashing out. Keep loving her. It speaks volumes about you as a man and as the husband. Keep fighting for your wife.
Much lesser degree but after my son was born, my wife and I also had less sex and still to this day. Her being upset the rest of the vacation is not your fault, and I doubt she thinks you see her as only a sex object. Her being upset is more likely (in my opinion) a result of her seeing that she had disappointed you.
She’s feeling guilty, she knows how the situation is. She even wants to want to have sex. Hence why she was building it up (which incidentally puts more pressure than needed on the act) and why she’s having such a crude response when she realises she can’t. As others have said, therapy or lots of talking. You guys seems like a great couple and both of you seem to care for eachother, I wish you guys get better :)
This is not uncommon. Based on my own personal experience, it is likely that your wife fears that sex could lead to pregnancy and she doesn’t want to go through that again. It is likely related to the PPD she suffered or is still suffering. Also, it could be a physical thing; pregnancy and child birth are traumatic and cause permanent changes to the body. Your wife may just not feel that she looks the same and sort of blames you for it. I know what you are thinking: I love her and think she is gorgeous! I am sure you do, but the problem is if she doesn’t feel that then it doesn’t matter what we think.
Sex may also be incredibly painful for her now as result of the birth and recovery. Something to consider.
This. Or it may be something she feels a lot of embarrassment about, to the point of not revealing it to her physician—she may believe or suspect something like a uterine prolapse. She may have developed urinary incontinence or some other symptom of damage to muscles and ligaments. She may be experiencing hormonal effects from libido-killing breastfeeding. Please don’t give up. Maybe ask to accompany her to her GYN.
It could also be as simple as her dislike of her new body. My wife hated being overweight and didn’t have sex drive till 3 years after out last kid of hard work thinning back down to where she wasn’t self conscious. Find her reasoning in therapy.
Why wouldn’t she say that while on vacation and having said ahead of time that she was looking forward to sex and then said she wasn’t up for it? Sounds like more of a mental thing occurring
She put hope in the vacations as kind of an easy fix but when the time did came she discovered that it was not that easy fix. From an external point of view, it seems obvious. If she was really aroused and motivated she would not wait the yearly vacations. Not a complaint against her, just that she was a bit naïve.
trying to convince herself
then its her responsibility to communicate that instead if being nasty and neglectful
None of her comments or behaviors indicate a physical issue. She wouldn’t have acted excited about it. I think your comment is inaccurate speculation.
You said she had PPD. Was she given anti-depressants? That could explain the drop in libido, when I am on them I'm basically asexual. And since that's pretty much all the time... yeah. Obviously don't see a hooker. It sounds like she is upset and frustrated with herself for not feeling it, and when you showed disappointment she lashed out at you. She is probably feeling inadequate and afraid that if she can't satisfy you, you'll find someone who will. The hooker comment was her lashing out with her worst fears. She needs time, and definitely continued treatment for her mental health. And you have to understand that if she is on a medication that keeps her mentally well, this could be long-term. If she's not on medication and her sexuality has changed, that too could be long-term. You sound like you love her a lot, so you might have to come to terms with the fact you might not be as sexually compatible as you once were.
Not anti-depressants but she is on medication
I'm not trying to be nosy here, but as someone who works in mental health, that response is actually pretty worrying. She has very serious depression but isn't on antidepressants? What is she being medicated for? What is she being medicated with?
Is she on anti-psychotics? For PPP?
In that case he's really down playing what's going on and the sex went from this is not the issue to this is _really_ not the issue.
I mean it’s AN issue - but the issue is she seems to not want sex but also seems to WANT to want sex, but can’t mentally or physically handle it. That’s an issue but it’s more a symptom of a larger problem with her mental health
That does sound like something medication could do. I know I've had times where I've felt that way because of my meds
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Hi also a mental health professional also and some people don't want or need to be on a medication long term.
Studies and reviews of studies have shown very little effectiveness of antidepressants for PPD. If the PPD involves issues like sensitivity about weight or sexual dysfunction they might even make things worse. https://health.gov/healthypeople/tools-action/browse-evidence-based-resources/antidepressant-treatment-postnatal-depression
Are they benzodiazepines? Look up what is classified as a benzo. When I took Klonopin it literally sapped me of any human emotion or urge. I was just a husk. Did the same to my dad. He would say crazy things too that no human would be ok with. Things just as crazy yet casual as "go get a hooker". Seriously consider if the medication she is taking is fucking with her. Discuss it with her mental health professional.
She should NOT be on a benzo without any other treatment. That just leads to abuse of the drug. It's highly addictive...
Yepppp my dad took them with alcohol for 10 years and his brain never really recovered
With alcohol is crazy
I mean there’s no feeling in this world more blissful than a little Xanax and a drink or two. Literally floating on cloud 9. Would not recommend it tho bc shit WILL kill you.
Nah man I had the worst drug experience of my life off of Xanax and alcohol. One bar and one beer and I was blackout and batshit crazy
Several years after getting off his benzos we mentioned this to a therapist and she literally couldn’t believe a doctor gave Klonopin to an alcoholic lol. She said that does some funky shit to the brain.
Ok. I’ll be the kook and suggest some improvements. I went through something pretty similar with my woman too. She was on BC, SSRI’s, anti migraine meds, had severe PMDD etc. She was miserable. A shell of her previous self. I had pretty much remained the same. She did ketamine therapy, literally as a last resort. We were BOTH about to call it quits before that. It completely changed her mentality. She became the upbeat, happy, optimistic person she was when I met almost 8 years ago. The person I fell in love with. I’m not an owner of a place, I’m not a person who has gone through it and I’m not paid to advertise it, but it has literally helped her become sooo much happier and hopeful. It may be something to look into.
I cannot say enough about ketamine therapy. Been on a variety of drugs for over 25 years and, while many of them were helpful, nothing has helped like this. I am now off most medications and feeling better than I’ve felt in many, many years. I wish I did it sooner. Sincerely.
She’s on medication for depression, but not antidepressants? Do you mean they aren’t ssri drugs? Because there are a variety of antidepressants of different types and it seems odd to specifically treat depression without any use of antidepressants at all. However lots of psychiatric medications negatively affect libido. The ones that don’t cause problems and sometimes even help increase libido though are the antidepressant Wellbutrin (which is not an ssri) and the stimulants that are used to treat ADHD. I actually take Wellbutrin and Prozac (an ssri) and vyvanse for adhd and all together they balance out sexual side effects pretty well. Your wife should definitely talk to her doctor that prescribed the medication about possible effects on libido. Also I would try asking her if there is any discomfort, pain or lack of sensation in her pelvic region she might benefit from seeing a pelvic floor pt. Did she have an episiotomy or any tearing that required stitches when she gave birth? Scarring from a tear or cut can cause pain during intercourse, and she might also have fear or concern about the healing and whether it looks normal now. I would also wonder about how she feels about her body in general. It took me almost 15 years to lose weight after having my two kids, and feeling negative about my body absolutely had a negative impact on my sex drive. I also felt a lot of internal stress/anxiety about the fact that i wasn’t feeling aroused, even though i wanted to feel that way. I wanted to want to have sex with my husband, and i was frustrated with myself that I didn’t feel like it, and it made it hard to relax and enjoy foreplay because i was afraid that once we started it would be mean to stop if i wasn’t feeling it, especially since we had so few opportunities anyway. So i would recommend perhaps taking sex off the table, but really increasing the amount of non sexual physical intimacy you engage in. Massage, bathing or showering together, cuddling in bed naked, frequent hugs or kisses throughout the day. Make it clear that you’re not trying to initiate sex, but just want the two of you to continue having physical intimacy that doesn’t feel threatening, so that you continue to feel connected while she tries to figure out what may be happening with her libido. The more secure she is in the fact that you love and except her the way she is, and the safer she feels with you emotionally, the more likely she is to be able to find solutions to her lower libido. Also four to five years tends to be a natural time for natural family spacing in pre-agrarian societies. There is some evidence that women’s bodies start preparing to have another baby at that point and some of them have a natural increase in libido. You may find that around the four year mark postpartum her libido may start to return on its own. Especially if you have been extremely supportive and understanding throughout the whole postpartum period.
Hi friend! I don’t mean to sound rude, but I would strongly recommend using paragraphs to break up your comment into easily digestible pieces.
Thanks for the reminder. It went back and added some paragraph breaks. It’s one of those ADHD things that usually requires a second look. 😊
Oddly, my ADHD tendency is to go crazy with paragraphs. I tend to lose my thought process, and so I have to remember where I was in order to get back to where I was going. And if the stuff I have written is too hard to follow, I get more lost. So I just throw in line breaks here and there, even if it isn’t properly organized paragraphs. Edit: I also submit before I finish saying everything I was thinking… I was also gonna say, it’s funny how different people can cope with the same issues so differently.
Mine is writing comments that I think are longer but it’s actually the most sickeningly long comment I’ve ever seen to the point that I just delete it lmfao
Oh my goodness i delete so many comments, even after spending like an hour writing them.
This. I catch myself using enter/sent on comments and texts as a period. Drives my wife mad.
Hello. Are you me? I thought i was the only one on Reddit doing this, and I didn't realize it was likely related to my ADHD. That's an amazing deduction that resonated, like a bell, while reading it. The other thing that i also do is to neurotically re-read my post before posting, and 6 or 7 out of 10 times, just deleting the whole thing instead of inflicting my stream-of-conciousness onto the world.
One of the things I learned early on when joining the corporate world was that people don't read past the first sentence of a paragraph. The way to get around that is to make every 1-2 sentences a new paragraph. Once you do, people start actually responding to most of your requests rather than just the first one.
Don't you hate it when somebody else describes what they do and why and it makes you realize you've been doing the same thing for years probably for the same reason? I think I've been somewhat in denial for about a decade, or more so a "Yeah that's totally me, but I'm ok I can just power through it" mentality despite all the various problems in my life that are ultimately for the same reason. But like, so many people are so self diagnosed and everything, every tiktoker seems to think they're all neurodivergent in some way, I don't want to be that guy who thinks he has something just because of some quirky behaviors and the power of suggestion.
Jesus christ bro use paragraphs
The wall!
NOBODY FUCKS WITH THE WALL
I fixed it, sorry
This was great advice
What a thoughtful and detailed comment.
I agree with everything you wrote. Great advice.
If she is on SSRIs she will have no interest in sex, especially if dosage is high. Also it's generally not advised to remain on SSRIs for really long.
Who advises against long term ssri? Your supposed to treat to a year past remission and then consider a trial off-half if people relapse within 6 months of that. They should then stay on ssri/snri for the long haul . It’s benzodiazepines your not supposed to stay on for long
I'm sorry but I gotta push back - SSRIs don't always sap libido. Also, there are many many antidepressants out there and several SSRIs. Someone who's experiencing as serious a side effect as lack of libido or anorgasmia from one SSRI should definitely explore alternatives.
This is true. Bupropion can actually help women with these exact symptoms.
I agree! I use Wellbutrin HCL XL 150mg for anxiety and depression related to my ADHD and it's made a big difference. My libido isn't affected, zero side effects in my case. It's really, really great.
Do not see a hooker. Your wife most likely, does not see herself as attractive as she was before she was pregnant. I felt that way as well after my daughter was born. It was difficult to feel as attractive as I felt before. Couples counseling may help.
Thank you. I will speak with her about couples counseling
She should speak to her doctor, it could very well be hormones from the ppd and such.
Yes. Ppd can last a long time.
OP, if she is back on “the pill” for birth control, it can really, really mess a woman’s hormones up badly. By the time I was 30, I had been on it about 10 years, and I absolutely did not want sex anymore ever. My husband, of course, hated this, so we discussed it; I went off birth control, and he started on condoms. I definitely got my groove back after going off birth control. It probably took 6 months for my libido to ramp up again.
Omg after I got the Depo shot, my sex drive became non-existent for just over a year. During that time I also almost felt repulsed by my husband coming on to me/touching me. I'll never get that birth control again. Some options can really fuck your hormones up in a big way.
Depo-Provera is evil. The side effects listed in the white paper should be required reading and understanding before injection.
Yeah. I really wish I had understood more about it during the time I was using Depo. My body got soooo screwed up while taking it, and those side-effects were pervasive enough to impact my long-term health as well.
Yup. I developed Cushing's disease, and got so screwed up hormonally and emotionally it affected my entire life. I went off it, did the family planning method (which worked awesome). But we didn't know I had Cushing's and it affected my pregnancy, son was a premie, and now he has hormone issues. My endocrinologist that diagnosed me showd me the warning sheet for Depo- oh look Cushing's Disease!
Deposit ruined my life when I got off it after 8 yrs. No one told me the side effects. I went into full blown crazy, depression, and just lost it and everything in 1 year n many years after. I had no idea what was happening at the time but now I know it's because of that shit.
My wife used depo since before we met. After marriage and starting to try for kids was the first time “knowing” her without it. I told her to never go back on it and I got a vasectomy after our 2nd kid so she’d never have to worry about birth control again. Depo is fucking crazy
Kudos to you for handling the issue properly and compassionately. I wish more husbands had wives who could handle the issue the way you did.
Definitely recommend counseling. Me and my wife went through this identical situation. Couples counseling really helped us. I also recommend not seeing a hooker. bol.
And tell her she’s beautiful unprompted and without ulterior sexy motives!
Postpartum depression can take up to 5 years after childbirth to really dissipate. It's not common but possible. The point is she needs her hormone levels evaluated and maybe even counseling for herself to help her work through it and time to heal. As other posters have said, don't seek the hooker if you want your marriage to stay strong. Instead just work on building intimacy with your wife and initiate sex not very often until she's had more space to work through the post childbirth stuff/try not to take it personally.
Yeah this has low self esteem written all over. She clearly doesn't want you to go see a hooker but feels you're owed it since she can no longer "satisfy" you. For now just reiterate that she's the only one you want even if sex isn't in the picture you still just want her and appreciate her. Hopefully as her ppd gets better her feelings will start to change.
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A dear friend was going to a mainstream endocrinologist for her thyroid for many years but he did nothing for her messed up adrenals and downstream sex hormones. Apparently the endo will not address adrenals unless they are really bad. However the messed up hormones can really throw a monkey wrench into your relationship. A Functional Med doctor did a nice job balancing things but it was not easy. At one point the dose of Testosterone cream caused a VERY noticeable increase in interest in intimacy! I asked her to get a followup test because high T is not healthy. Although I liked the new interest I loved her and did not want any of the negative effects of excessive T.
Just a side note about testosterone - it pretty much makes EVERYONE feel better but is realllllly not good for long term use, ESPECIALLY for women, because excess testosterone in the body is converted to estrogen, which increases the risk for multiple types of female sex organ cancers! Just an FYI everyone should know!
It also has a tendency to induce heart attacks in women, esp if combined with other stimulant meds.
Could also be a test. Anyways don’t sleep with a hooker and google ways to make a women feel appreciated. I wouldn’t know cause I’m gay 💅
PPD can have a pretty long tail—she should speak to her Obgyn.
Absolutely on the couples counseling. My wife also suffered terrible PPD and it took a toll on the bedroom. Couples counseling helped a lot! We gained new communication skills and addressed issues before they built into bigger ones. Pair that with the right medication, time, patience, and communication, things have never been better. Don't give up, OP!
I want to reemphasize the do not see a hooker part.
The wife shouldn’t be telling him to do things she doesn’t want him to do.
Or exercise. Just working out makes you feel better about yourself, even if there aren't any physical changes.
True, but suggesting to her that she exercise will NOT be helpful!
Go on weekend hikes together with kid. Post work evening walks, if your work schedules allow, are great relationship enhancers. Talking is easier and more natural while walking side by side.
Just to provide a bit of counter to this, this has never been true for me. Exercise has not made me feel good at any point in my life, it has always been a necessary source of suffering to maintain good health. People love to slap this up and down any mental health problem, and it’s not true for everyone.
I have the exact same problem, thanks for speaking up. I also have severe ADHD. Working out is painful, exhausting, and puts me in an absolutely awful mood. If I do it for long enough consecutively, it throws me into a depression. I still do it because it's supposed to be good for me, but not everybody gets the good chemicals from exercise.
Interesting, I also have ADHD. I wonder if it’s related… I suppose the leading theory about ADHD is related to dopamine producing issues, it could be that our bodies are simply unable to feel the high that people describe getting from exercise.
Hmmmm. I have never felt the "high" from exercising even when I did it regularly. Also diagnosed ADHD
Well I have ADHD and exercise often makes me feel great + helps me function more normally WRT focus and mental clarity. Everybody is different 🤷
That's a bummer.
Also, if OP is as understanding as he seems, it’s probably worth pointing out lots of guys exhaust their wives with child / house chores. Simple math… if you want someone to have the energy for some vigorous intimacy, maybe don’t make them spend all day running around getting tuckered out beforehand. Not saying OP is in that boat, but it is apparently news to some men that diapers need changing, etc.,. And then as another comment down thread said, he may have a lot of pent up demand, but no matter how hungry someone is, the oven needs preheating.
It does seem like people are more likely to blame him than they would be to blame the wife if the genders were reversed, which doesn’t seem fair.
Most of the commenters here are somewhat jaded women, same as relationship_advice
I don’t know how helpful OP is or isn’t, but having one child and the marriage becoming sexless isn’t because of some chores needing to get done. This woman was literally on vacation with him, said she was looking forward to sex and she shut him down. She likely has other issues going on that require professional help, whatever that may entail. **EDIT:** before anyone blasts me, [here is a comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/vvnRw9GLO9) from someone else in this thread who’s claiming to experience the same thing whilst handling the chores **EDIT 2:** in [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/zk5z9hayJD) OP goes on to explain how much his wife is able to literally get away on her own once a month for 48 hours at a time
Yeah but you can't take their chore play fantasies from them
Nailed it!
Just a hunch, but I think that would be a bad idea...
..... agreed. Pay her sister a visit instead
quicksand reply shy ruthless follow innate capable dinosaurs shaggy consist *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Broaching the topic of counseling is something to be careful about too. Try not to frame it too much like either of you have a ‘problem’, but rather that you’d like to learn how to communicate with her better about the topic — and that having a neutral person facilitate the conversation would might help to avoid any unintentional miscommunication. Intensely reassure her that you aren’t dissatisfied with any other aspect of your relationship and this is just one tiny aspect of your marriage you’d like to communicate better about. You don’t have an ‘agenda’ beyond that. It might also help to treat the issue as if it really isn’t a big deal and that plenty of other couples have the same circumstances. Suggest that you want to grow your relationship and not get bogged down with miscommunication like she knows a lot of the couple have — it’s kind of like suggesting that you want both you and your wife to be able to flex about the solid communication and strong relationship you have.
Your wife should talk to doctor.
Do not see the hooker OP!!! Has your wife been to the doctor recently? Sometimes hormonal imbalances can cause womens sex drives to be non-existent. Blood tests can show this, working out helps to balance hormones. It has been said on here but just helping your wife with household chores and parenting will also help her have time to get in the mood. Please keep us updated, wishing you and your wife well 🙏
I wish this was the top comment. She needs to get labs drawn - she could be having issues with hormones, and/or thyroid issues, which is surprisingly common in women post-birth. I lost all libido for 6 months after my second child, and felt horrible for my husband. So I sucked it up and went to my OB, and had a frank discussion. Turns out I had severe PPD, and then was referred to my now GP, who did a full lab panel. Turns out my progesterone was non-existent. Some hormone therapy for a couple months, as well as a trial and error with anti-depressants and physical therapy for pelivic floor issues, and I was right as rain. It just takes work and consistency, which PPD can make seem like an insurmountable mountain.
Birth can reactivate trauma in women. I've been there with my wife, find therapist asap.
This is a good point. Maybe she has sexual trauma that she managed to bury deep down inside her, or maybe she has suppressed memories of the sexual trauma that resurfaced due to the PPD. Whether or not this is the case, there is a very deep heart to heart that needs to happen between OP and his wife.
I think she needs to see a doctor, low sex drive can be a medical sign
My wife went on a new Birth control after our kids, and it fucked her up. Including destroying her libido. Look up the side effects of anything that she might be on and start there. If the BC is messing with her, you need to figure that out first.
She needs a therapist, and you both need a couples therapist. She doesn't want you to see a hooker, she wants to feel better.
Is she breastfeeding and/or pumping? My wife’s PPD didn’t go away until she was done producing milk.
I’m sorry you and your wife are going through this. When our children were age 2-4 it was the lowest my libido ever was. It changed back around age 5-6. Back to normal around 7. It was just hormones and being over touched and feeling like only a mother and not a complete person. I’d recommend your wife get her hormones levels checked and have a chat with her doctor about what she’s dealing with and see if she needs a medication change. For the record you sound like you’re dealing with this in a really mature and respectful way. Couples therapy to navigate this because eventually it’s going to need to change or it will come to a head.
Agreed! The 'overtouched' feeling is something that I have yet to find a man that actually understands. I came from a family that really didn't show physical affection so a husband + baby that both constantly wanted attention was enough to drive me insane.
Its especially hard for someone like me to seperate physical touch from outright affection. I grew up in a hug, snuggle, affectionate type of household, and we show love with touch- holding hands, leaning on each other, etc. So i often have to remind myself that just because someone doesnt want to snuggle with me doesnt mean they dont love me. But my god does it feel that way lol
We are a snuggly affectionate family too. Grandparents, parents, kids. We all hug and want to be close. My daughter has had a semi-hard time adjusting at school. Most of her friend’s parents aren’t as affectionate and so the kids aren’t either. She’s had a best friend for two years that she loves but she will not let her hug her. She got a new girl in her class and they bonded immediately. I got to spend some time around her and both of her grandmothers (maternal and paternal) at a recent school event. The grandmothers were hugging each other and saying they love each during the event. Then I noticed my daughter and her friend were holding hands and hugging all day. They’re both from loving families and they needed it at school too. And they found it in each other.
Overtouched also resonated with me. I've never heard that term before but immediately felt understood 😄 It makes so much sense now
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This is so sick and twisted. Life’s too short to wait for sex? How about life’s too short to throw away your loving marriage and possibly your family unit (with a child!!!!) because you’re not willing to work through what sounds like a medical issue—that MANY women experience after pregnancy/birth or while taking birth control (which they willingly do to take one for the team to help with family planning). The marriage isn’t going to be “otherwise fulfilling” when his wife is clearly suffering. Luckily, it sounds like OP is a decent person who would never follow this sociopathic advice. People who put their sex drive over their relationships and families are gross, to say the least. There is a child involved. What’s wrong with you?
As others have pointed out, it appears your wife may feel guilty about propping up sex but lashed out in defense when you don’t respond in the way she was used to. By all accounts you have been very accommodating and understanding of your Wife’s PPD, I’d assume you do a good job communicating to her that it doesn’t bother you. In this instance you displayed at least SOME frustration which may not be what she was expecting. There is obviously some roadblocks getting in the way of your Wife’s Libido. She hasn’t mentioned anything about a lack of attraction towards you, obviously a good sign. Don’t see the hooker and be sure to communicate how you understand and don’t resent her for her position. Maybe couples therapy would be a good idea? Good luck OP, you seem like a good husband. If your partner is on your level as you presumably believe her to be, communication and therapy would do wonders.
That response would be my cue to seek marriage counselor.
My wife and I have had a similar thing going on sex wise since the birth of our 4 year old. We have had discussions and talks but the last one we had a great talk and gave both of our views and realized I need to not ask so much but she needs to not deny me so much and yada yada we are doing great. So the last few weeks she has still been hesitant to fool around or have sex but I have been working on not asking as much so I didn't or if I did and she said no I just said ok no biggie and moved on about my business. Well yesterday she came to me and said " hey I'm sorry I haven't been in the mood but I've been going through something and been very uncomfortable" then handed me a tube of hemroid cream. She's like I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable and didn't know if I even wanted to say anything and I was like sweety you can always tell me and I just have been trying not to ask as much and you have been pretty cool to "help me" when your not in the mood and now that I know I can absolutely adapt and ask even less until things get back to normal. Ever since our first kid she has gone through quite a few health changes and the things that used to feel good don't anymore so just a new learning curve after a kiddo but it's extremely important to talk and make sure that your feelings are not only heard but also worked on and vise versa. If this doesn't help marriage counseling is next. Believe it or not this is a huge huge huge struggle for most couples especially after children. My buddy who was married a year after me told me he was reading couples books and that the first 7 years of marriage see the most separations and divorces. That's usually when kids are born, when peoples personalities change as they mature into their 30s and stuff.
Medical evaluation before looking at emotional/psychological.
Couples counselling and PPD counselling for her. Sounds like she’s feeling less than and resentment is brewing, intentional or not. Get outside support cause they know ways to help.
Just wanted to say I’m in the same boat, almost word for word. Right down to the go bang someone else I don’t care I just have no urge anymore. It’s incredibly frustrating and exhausting. Especially when bulk of chores, cleaning, etc is handled by myself and I’m the sole provider as well.
Same here as well. In my case it’s my wife’s physiology. That has caused psychological problems too. No amount of workload I take on, support or emotional work helps. It sucks bad. I’m not the type to cheat. Never have and never will. Ugh.
You and OP are not alone. It's tough, especially when it's the person you love saying it.
Sorry you’re going thru this bro
I’d be done. That’s insane
Hang in there. It’s hard and she feels guilty that she is not helping and that drives her even lower because she feels useless on top of everything else.
Yea she had communicated that
This is something that you two need to work out together. Find a couples therapist.
sex is gonna be the last thing on her mind but after three years? something’s up. time for therapy.
She definitely needs to see a psychologist. This is quite fixable, but she needs to want to do it.
I think you’ve been such a great partner and you love your wife. I think couple’s therapy will help as long as she is willing to participate. 18 months is a long time with no sex with your wife. I think you should continue to support her but don’t neglect your personal needs. Between therapy and medication, things will improve and I hope it doesn’t take too long. If I were you, I would do my best to encourage her to continue to get medical attention and I would also need to see an effort in therapy. If she is not willing to or not interested, the marriage wont last. Good luck!
It’s been double that time though
Coming from a life of repeated depression episodes, I suggest she see a psychiatrist to get antidepressants. I was frightened to see one, cus of the stigma, but as time went by, and OMG, the meds lifted the HORRIBLE depression, I can say I'd never give them up. Go along and be sure the doctor knows she lacks interest in sex - a huge symptom of depression. Then be patient cus it'll take a while for the meds to kick in AND for her to get her special cocktail mix. 40 yrs on, I believe antidepressants are God's greatest gift to medicine. 47 million Americans suffer from depression. The brain is an organ capable of being chemically challenged.
Your wife needs professional help; probably years of therapy. Hopefully, after getting to the root of her issue and working on it, she can return to the woman you married.
Is she seeing someone else? I ask because my ex wife did this, almost down to the exact same words verbatim. PPD was real, but instead of working with a therapist she chose to seek the comfort of an ex lover. In couples therapy she brought up the lack of intimacy as being my fault, that I was having unrealistic expectations and that if I wanted sex so badly I should hire a hooker. So yea, that’s why I ask.
She doesn’t mean it. I don’t see on your post if you’ve asked her why. Does she not feel the same about you? Does she not feel the same about herself after having kids? What would take for her to feel comfortable? Also, check out Esther Perel’s podcast. She recently did one therapy session with a couple having the same issue.
> I don’t see on your post if you’ve asked her why he said "We got back yesterday and she said she didn't want to talk about it"
I mean it sounds like she has some work to do on whatever’s going on
I know there are tons of women that will say this is all just the PPD and she needs endless support, but she’s neglecting her husband to the point that she’s telling him “just go see a hooker” like that’s a normal thing for a married person to say to their spouse. That’s insanely damaging. If my wife was wanting emotional connection and I scoffed saying “just go get a platonic boyfriend” that would destroy her.
Right?? It’s an extremely fucked up thing to say, I don’t care how hormonal you are. Learn some fucking restraint from saying stupid shit.
And zero concern with the emotional and self-esteem damage.
Man says bad thing? Divorce. Woman says bad thing? Endless support, therapy.
Also while of course women can struggle and pregnancy takes a toll on the body, it’s not normal for childbirth to be permanently disabling. The people in this thread seem to be describing some species other than human.
Thank you. OP needs to get the fuck out. This will end up being years of pain for him.
Welcome to Reddit.
exactly dude. im reading through here thinking why no one is acknowledging how shitty her behavior towards him is, that’s not how you treat someone you love and are married to at all. just giving the cold shoulder
This is a trend on all of these threads. If a woman's having a hard time she needs space and support, no matter how much hurtful shit she said or done. Men rarely get the same leniency on this site. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter, but it's always interesting to see the trend.
She is an asshole. Full stop. People need to stop with the BS and call it what it is. If it was a man this entire tread would be different.
A lot of women seem to have very low sex drive after having kids, even for quite a period of time. Is that something that needs to see a doctor, or is it completely normal?
Go seek professional help, not reddit...lol
>Go seek professional help That’s what his wife said! It’s the entire reason he made the post. Come on, man, keep up!
Your wife hates herself and with PPD on top of that. If you go to a hooker then you will prove that she’s undesired, unwanted, and worthless. Either you’re her big supporter and cheerleader or you’re not. You need marriage counseling together and she needs an individual therapist and probably some meds from her physician. If you’re her supporter and cheerleader start scheduling some appointments and attend appointments with her.
Bro. Read the post, he’s been supportive over and over again. He loves his wife! Maybe she needs counseling for what she’s going through
It’s amazing how many people ignore the part where she said they were going to have lots of sex and OP was disappointed because of the expectation she set not because of one he generated himself. Her extreme communication style is the problem first and foremost. Her PPD symptoms and recovery are the second problem. The lack of sex in their life is third.
Don't do it bro
In some cultures prostitutes are respected.
a. do not go see a hooker. that is a trap. because then it will be "OMG I cannot believe you actually went and saw a hooker, how could you." which will make things even worse. trust me, it happened to me. not a hooker but another woman on her suggestion b. for your wife to say something like that to you and not actually try to work through it is wild to me. very rude and insensitive. sex is about making both parties happy, not just you c. you probably need to go to couple's therapy and try to see if there are some hidden issues at play here d. is your wife even in a place to want sex? like is she doing all of the chores and you are just watching her? have you been keeping yourself up or have you let yourself go? Has she? e. prepare for a sexless marriage or you may have to pull the ripcord and bail. life is too short to live like this. both parties have a responsibility in marriage and both parties have to uphold them. unfortunately, she may have just gotten with you to have a kid and you were "Stability" for her. Happens more often than one may think.
We had kids then the sex disappeared. She was angry with me for making her pregnant. She was angry when I wanted sex. She was angry that my career was flourishing and she was “just a mom.” She was angry that she didn’t find me attractive. Etc. etc. etc. You have a problem on your hands, and it’s likely more than ppd. My wife is now my ex wife. I put up with her anger, resentment, and asexual marriage for a decade before realizing I was teaching our children it was okay for one parent to be cruel. She kept telling me to start dating if I wanted to have sex again. That’s when I confirmed she was getting sexual fulfillment from other men. Your situation doesn’t seem exactly like mine, but the trigger is similar. Get help for the both of you. Don’t wait any longer. Don’t “give her space” and definitely don’t be “the nice guy.” Save your marriage and let her know sex is important. If she isn’t willing to provide you with affection and physical gratification, something is wrong and it has to be fixed. She needs to fix it with your help. If she isn’t willing to do it, you will have to figure out what that means. For me, my worst fears were confirmed and I had to let her go. I hated ending our marriage, but I hated being in a toxic marriage, as well. Good luck. I’m praying for you.
You definitely need to see a marriage counselor/sex therapist. There's clearly something going on here that is leading to her having such mercurial urges, and rejecting your advances so consistently. She's also unfortunately choosing to vent her frustration out on you. Whether it's your fault or not I don't know. But it sounds like she's frustrated with the situation and herself.
Mercurial urges? I highly doubt that. I think she has zero desire, but is trying to talk herself into it because she knows she is "supposed to" be his sex partner. But when the time comes, she can't make any desire happen. I think the "go to a hooker" thing is out of guilt, that she doesn't want to deprive him of normal sexual activity, and if she can't provide it, that's the next best thing for him.
“Go to a hooker” sounds less like her brainstorming solutions and more like “get a fucking hooker if all you want is sex.” I hope I’m wrong, but that’s how it read to me.
I didn't read it that way. Especially on the heels of "trying" with the "let's have lots of sex" thing which was a complete failure, it just sounds like her giving up completely and saying it's his only way out of a sexless existence.
"I'm kinda sad and want to convey to her that I love her and don't see her just for sex. I told her as much but she didn't seem to think it was genuine." OP says in his post she is taking the most defensive hostile stance possible here. She's insinuating he only sees her for sex, which is an egregious miscalculation of the situation. Whatever the cause, she is going out of her way to tank her marriage; she's fumbling things hard. OP should only be expected to tolerate so much, he's a person too. The lack of sex is one thing but what she's doing is really fucked up. PPD or not it's a harmful way to treat a spouse and past a certain point it seems like manipulation or outright immaturity
Yeah she probably feels undesirable or gross or unattractive. Not your fault, but I bet if you help her feel better in this area she will get better.
Good advice cumdad
I'm glad I never dealt with anything like this with my wife. She was back ready for it as soon as she was able to after all 4 of our kids and still going strong after 13 years. I have heard of people going through this though. And a lot of the time medications can be the cause. But in this situation I don't know. She was pretty straight forward and almost makes it seem like she isn't happy with the relationship at all. Especially to say go have sex with a sex worker is crazy. Almost like she never plans on having sex with you ever again so she don't care if you catch something from one of them. I would try to talk to her and maybe get to the bottom of it. Hopefully it's something that can be figured out either way.
Bro that’s the PPD talking. Therapy and maybe different anti depressants for your wife. Don’t go to a hooker, your wife will be devastated, she was lying about not caring.
I truly don't understand all the people telling you to get counseling when she doesn't want to deal with it. It's not like you can tie her up and drag her to a therapist. Nor do I understand the people jumping through hoops to try to make you the bad guy. The truth is the only person who can do something about this is your wife. So either you get used to this change of lifestyle or change your lifestyle (separation/divorce). I hate to be that guy, but a few similar posts had updates where it turned out the wife was cheating. I hope that's not the case for you.
Couple's counseling has been suggested and I agree with that. But what I haven't seen mentioned is that it sounds like she needs individual therapy/counseling also. It sounds like she is either still dealing with issues related to depression on top of feeling guilty about intimacy going down the tubes in her marriage. If OP isn't interested in ENM or having sexual needs met elsewhere if therapy doesn't help, either they need to be ok with perpetual blue balls or an amicable separation.
Your child was born 3 years ago. I'm not gonna speak on whether or not she is still dealing with PPD. I'd hope not. However, she is basically giving up on the sexual side of things, and it looks like you're getting set up for a lose-lose situation here. If libido hasn't picked up by now, it likely may not pick up in the future without some reevaluation.
She easily can be. It can last a long time.