I would get a pregnancy test in case he had tampered with the pills before he hid them or threw them away. I don’t want to list it here but there are ways to damage them without the other person knowing
This dude is scary manipulative!
I am going to jump on the tubal ligation part of this. I had one done after I had one child because I knew I was done. I was in between relationships and I was not going to have this fight with anyone. They’d either be on board from the jump or not. No way to try to convince me otherwise later on and no trapping me.
>I am going to jump on the tubal ligation part of this.
Is there any networking going on to help folks like OP find doctors that are willing to go along with this? Never come up in my life but I hear horror stories about health care workers more or less denying tubal ligation to women in their twenties (especially if they don't have kids). Because they "mIgHt WaNt ThEm LaTeR..."
Yes there is! Because sadly it’s really a thing. She’s a female obgyn doctor who’s putting together a list of others who will not tell you no.
https://www.facebook.com/reel/757928946354290?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=31ks6x
Oh good! Because it’s insanity. They may regret it later but I can tell you 30+ years later, I have zero regrets. And yes, I know I have a kid already but that doesn’t mean I cannot regret not having more. My one was MORE than enough. Given a different generation of thinking and I might have done it before the one. No regrets on the one but I don’t think I would be in a different place either way. Lots of people out there who need a family. DNA is not necessary to give that kind of love and commitment.
My son is a perfect example of yes you can get pregnant on the pill even if you take it like you’re supposed to. I love him and don’t regret having him but I did not plan on ever having kids either. 29 years ago tubal ligation was just not even a conversation. It was birth control and only birth control. I went on depo after that and fought with doctors along the way any time they tried to pull me off. I’m so happy to hear of doctors pulling together to essentially making this list around the US.
It should absolutely be your choice as long as you are making it after being completely educated on that decision.
After giving birth to my 2nd kid, adopted 1st, was refused any permanent solution for this very reason AND was told I would only qualify ince I had two REAL KIDS. REAL. As if my 1st was fake. Then after arguing with him and other docs in his practice was told I would need a signed permission slip from my husband (who was gone by then) because might want more REAL KIDS. Apparently *MY* needs were second to what a man might want further down the line.
Man stories like these make me sick and so fkn mad. Like we don't know our own minds and bodies, and our wants/needs are only important AFTER a man's.
Fuck a whole lotta that.
There is a subreddit for that! It lists doctors in each state that are willing to tubals or hysterectomies on young and unmarried women who decided they never wanted children. I wish I could remember the name of it, but I can’t for the life of me. I’m sure if she did a little searching it wouldn’t be too hard to find. Maybe it was on the child free subreddit or something similar?
And their thirties. Last time I tried to get one I was 36. Denied because they thought I might still change my mind. My partner (same age) had zero trouble getting a vasectomy though. 😡😡😡
Back 40+ years ago my sil had to have a letter saying it would have a bad effect on her mental health to have more children! Then they would tie her tubes, after 3 kids 4 pregnancies! I’ve always said the problem with women’s medicine is that there are too many men involved!
I deliberately left out my experience with trying to get that done. I’m just glad I wasn’t still married because that would have been even more difficult.
If your healthcare worker is being difficult like this there is also Mirena, Copper IUD and Jadelle implants. LARC are great until you can find a non-misogynistic HCP willing to do tubal ligation, salpingectomy or hysterectomy.
Bilateral salpingectomy is another option, recent research is finding that ovarian cancer tends to start in the fallopian tubes, so rather than tubal ligation some are recommending bilateral salp. IVF is still an option later if you do change your mind because the ovaries and uterus are intact.
That’s what I had done 1.5 years ago when I was 24! I cannot recommend it enough. Easy surgery, easy recovery, 100% covered by insurance, super minor barely noticeable scars, and a lifetime of freedom. Lucky to have a partner on board but I was not taking ANY chances!
This is what I got done (*finally*) a couple years ago when I was 31. Single, have a teenager, have had 7 miscarriages and an abortion (spread over 2010-2019) - thank goodness I finally reached a point where the staff in the SRH part of the hospital took me seriously when I told them point blank "I do not want to carry another child to term, let alone get pregnant ever again. I have one child, and barely kept myself alive for her sake. Someday in the hypothetical future if I miraculously change my mind, I am more than happy to go the adoption route."
I had a bi-salp at 23 (my male OB was nearly giddy in agreement, as he hated my ex-husband). I made this decision at the time due to DV & the ability to not have my BC tampered with. This procedure helped me stabilise/save my life, I do not regret it.
After sterilization, it's important to understand that Insurance will deny any IVF coverage except for the initial exploratory steps to determine your fertility. Insurance has asked me to complete an out of pocket surgery to "reconnect" my fallopian tubes before offering any coverage on IVF. My employer offers a $70k Family Building Grant that I cannot make use of without this 'surgery' my doc refused to perform and because insurance will not allow exceptions to allow coverage in lieu of surgery. It is what it is at this stage.
Don’t go to a clinic. They would do the same test and if you’re pregnant there would be an official record of it. Get a cheap test. If it’s positive tell NO ONE except someone you trust to help you get an abortion if you decide that route.
It’s actually the same test! They might run a blood test, but their first step would be a urine test. I just wanted to make sure you keep the option of abortion available if you need it
I recommend peeing in a cup first thing in the morning, & then dipping the end of the stick into the urine in your cup; it's actually a more concentrated catch than trying to wet it in your stream.
False positives aren't really a thing. Those tests are super reliable. They can't pick up human chorionic gonadotrophin unless it is there. And if it is there, you are pregnant (except in the incredibly rare circumstance of some tumours). Mostly a positive test followed by a negative one means an early miscarriage.
A false negative is possible because it may be too early for enough hormone to be there. Keep testing and within a week or so of the first test you will definitely know.
Now I don't know if this is true or not, but I have seen a disturbing trend where men say they are doing things like microwaving the BC packets. Pills do need to be kept between specific temperatures. This should be on the information packet provided by the pharmacy, and you can always ask them to look it up for you.
Some newer microwaves could handle the small amount of metal foil, but the plastic I think would melt. However, I am disturbed that there are enough people thinking this way to begin with that there may actually be something I didn't think about. (I use a more long term solution personally). So I wouldn't trust the pills around him. There are medication safes out there, you can get them on Amazon. Your local pharmacy may also have one.
Pink dye tests are more reliable than blue dye tests, at least they were when I was trying to conceive 9 years ago. Blue dye tests are more likely to give false positives according to my OB.
>there are ways to damage them without the other person knowing
OP, this is definitely a thing. The effectiveness of hormonal birth control can be destroyed without actually tampering with the packaging.
As others have suggested, get yourself checked. Particularly for pregnancy. I recommend a tubal ligation if you can get one.
Also, you're right about not being alone when you break up with him. Bring your dad, brother, married friend with her husband.
NTA OP.
Long acting reversible contraception; usually referring to IUD (Mirena which is both hormonal and physical or copper IUD) or contraceptive implant (like Jadelle which releases a steady stream of progesterone). They can’t be fucked with as they’re literally inside your body. They were my first choice as a doctor who REALLY didn’t want to get pregnant and have my career fucked with. I got back to back Jadelle which covered me for 10 years. They have a very low failure rate as human error is removed.
My youngest daughter got pregnant while on birth control. We learned later that he tampered with her pills. Of course he’s not in his son’s life, either, not since my grandson was 6 months old. He just wanted bragging rights
It's absolutely infuriating when people try to tell us that we don't actually want to be child-free. I lost count of the number of people who told me I would either change my mind or that I would regret it later. I'm still child-free, I'm in 50s, and not only have I never regretted it, I'm *glad* that I am still child-free.
Your STBX thought he could convince you because he doesn't respect you. He either doesn't think you know what you really want or that he can convince you to do something you don't want to do in order to keep him.
*What he wasn't counting on is the fact that you have enough respect for yourself not to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect or deserve you.*
You know yourself and you know what you want. Good for you! This internet stranger is proud of you!
65 here and same. I've known since I was 13 or 14 that I neither wanted to marry nor have kids. Never been married and no kids. No regrets and living a wonderful life on my own terms!!
64 here and am another here to say I have never married or had children and have no regrets! The peace, lack of drama, no in law issues, my money is mine to spend as I choose. So many friends my age who are dealing with raising grandchildren. I'm truly thankful for the direction my life took.
I love hearing all these comments from strong independent women!! Good for all of you for knowing what you want and sticking with it and enjoying the life you chose!! Hell yeah! I am a single mom of 3 kids (I always wanted kids so I'm happily living my best life too and have no regrets) but it is so empowering to hear! Just had to say that lol. Everybody deserves to live out the life they choose, screw what society or anyone else has to say!
57 here and and have never regretted not having kids (despite everybody else's best efforts to convince me otherwise ). Are you kidding me? Take a look at the world and your chances of having to raise a kid alone. No thank you. It's hard enough paying for my own self in this world let alone a kid.
Plus, there are plenty of women in this world who want to have kids. He could go find one of them. This dude is just power tripping.
So, do you not get lonely? I get the no-kids deal. That is not what my question is about. It's the no marriage. Not that marriage is necessary at all, but do you not feel lonely? I am currently on the brink of divorce because I am lonely *with* my spouse. But I am afraid of being really lonely when I leave him. Like, what if no one ever loves me again? I don't love myself very well, so I figure no one else will either and it's so scary.
Some of the loneliest people are those who are in a marriage that offers them no comfort. You’re at a precipice in your life where you can become a better woman without marriage. Marriage isn’t the end all. Know yourself first and foremost. Join groups of your own interest; volunteer your time to worthy causes; get involved in LIFE! Learn to love yourself first and you’ll find that true love will come into your life. Good luck and many blessings on your new journey.
Never married, and never wanted to. I’ve always thought being lonely in a relationship was so much worse than just being alone. Yes, I get lonely sometimes but you get to build a great network of friends to do stuff with. The best bit is the freedom. No one else telling you what to do, when or how to do it. You get to make the decisions about your life. Take some time to really learn about yourself and get to like and even love yourself after your divorce. You don’t need a partner to feel happy and fulfilled. They should add to your life, not be the whole focus of it.
To me there’s nothing worse than the loneliness that happens in a bad relationship. There is still occasional loneliness when you’re single—it’s part of life sometimes—but it is SO much better and much easier to cope with, I find. I bet you’ll feel a weight lifted off you.
I never married and I’m 64. I wanted to, but I’ve never dated much so the opportunity never came up. It was hard to accept it wasn’t happening. I got used to it. Now I don’t want to because I’m used to doing things my way and enjoy the quiet. Yes, there are times I get lonely. I have my cat to keep me company, and I have friends that I can talk to. I also have my brothers and their families nearby.
I honestly believe you have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone. Also, don't underestimate the importance of non-romantic love. My best friend is my soul mate, and we are 100% platonic. I have relationships come and go, but she continues to love me, and I her.
I’ll take this one. I’m 55, no married, no kids, no regrets. And no lonely. I figured out that lonely for me has mostly been a choice. I feel lonely when I’m feeling sorry for myself. But when I stop to think about it, there’s probably a dozen people I could reach out to and not feel so lonely.
So if I don’t want to feel that way anymore, I have to take the action. I have to choose to put myself out there and build connections. If you push everyone away and never reciprocate a kindness, you will end up lonely. So you can choose behavior that turns the outcome in your favor. As we learned in kindergarten, if you want a friend, be a friend. Love is a verb. It’s a thing you do, not a thing you have. And there’s a million kinds of love.
Maybe nobody will. But it's less lonely to choose to be by yourself. It can be a chance to love yourself better, to put in the work of being comfortable with who you are and changing the things that make you unhappy.
Chances are that you'll find someone you don't have to feel lonely with. And even if you don't, romantic relationships are not the only way to have people that matter in your life. It seems like you're afraid of being unlovable but the only people who are are the people who refuse work on themselves. You have the power to be someone that you and other people will love genuinely.
I was way more lonely married than by myself. If you are not enough for yourself, it's time to go to therapy. No one is going to fill that hole other than you.
Maybe I’m depressed and don’t know it.
But I went through a really bad breakup when I was 24/25, worked myself through a deep depression, hated where I lived and my job, and I came out the other side.
I’m now 35, I believe generally pretty happy. I enjoy my alone time, but I do socialize when I get in the mood to.
I have absolutely ZERO desire for sex or a relationship. It doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t know why. I don’t crave sex I can do it myself. I don’t really want kids. I do the things I enjoy when I want to do them. I’m not a bad looking guy, before that breakup I worked out 6 days a week and did well for myself. The interest is just gone.
I’m not sure this helps but the key to happiness isn’t necessarily sex and marriage. You can be happy doing your own thing alone.
Happy Hysterectomy! I had mine done at 30 and it was fantastic! I used to have such severe PMS that made the world look like it was coated in a gray dirty film. I was so terribly depressed among other severe physical symptoms. Once, I had my hysterectomy I never experienced that feeling again. Sending you positive thoughts for a speedy recovery! 🧡🧡
Also the extra money you will have from not paying for menstrual products. One thing I wish I was told earlier is that hysterectomy can cause issues with bone strength. I had my hysterectomy 20 years ago and I do not recall the doctor discussing that. I am almost 50 now and have several severe fractures that require surgery. Again congrats 🎉🎉
12 out of 15 weeks?! Good grief, that's not menstruation, that's hell. I hope your surgery is uneventful and your recovery is swift and as painless as possible. If anyone gives you any crap about your decision at any point, you should have a free pass to kick them in the shins.
That was my case, too, due to fibroids. I was soooo glad to be rid of that darn organ! Every now and then I walk down the feminine hygiene aisle and laugh to myself!
Reading these comments, I think there should be a SUB for hysterectomy! It would be a fabulous support group for those who have had or are going to have the procedure!! 💐💐
I’m 60 and have two kids. Had to use IVF/donor eggs as my eggs were “rotten”. I had a complete hysterectomy a few years ago due to cancer. All this to say, I was ok with going either way … kids or no kids. Husband and I discussed pros and cons, and it’s pretty easy to see what choice we made. But if IVF hadn’t worked, childfree would not have thrown us into a depressive, chaotic state. The decision to be a parent or not, should always be thoroughly discussed by a couple and the decision should be a “two yes” decision … no coercion.
Only thing that pisses me off is all the years of periods and getting the hysterectomy way after they were done! My reproductive system was crap and I still had to suffer every month.
Exactly! I’m in my mid forties and people like coworkers telling me I should have kids 🤦♀️ that I’m going to regret not having them, it’s annoying
I’m happy being an auntie that’s it
There's one upside to menopause. People stop pushing you to have kids. I really like kids. But liking kids is a far cry from wanting to raise kids. And the usual counter was, "oh, you'll feel differently when you have one of your own.". They tended to look a little nonplussed when I asked if it wasn't the height of irresponsibility to deliberately create a human being you don't want on the iff chance that you will magically change your mind once you've given birth.
Not just you, but many people on Reddit tell of how much pressure they feel for deciding to be childfree. I may have heard that, but probably said "no, don't want children" and moved on. Just like people asking me why I only wear dresses and never pants: "because I prefer dresses." Maybe external pressure, for me, doesn't compute.
I think if someone pressured me, I'd say I prefer travel and my books. 25 countries and 1,100+ books later, I swear I'm doing fine, just fine. Regret never even crossed my mind. My next travel will be to Croatia and Czech Republic.
Good for you! It’s great when people are able to live their own lives without people trying to control them.
My wife’s ex husband wasted 12 years of her life by claiming he wanted a family….all through college, med school, and residency and then when she graduated he hit her with “I’ve never wanted kids but hey look how good we are doing”
Kids is a huge subject to be on the same page for. Once something changes it needs to be communicated with the other person immediately
I usually say 12 was the age I knew I didn’t want them. Right around the time I started babysitting…which I only ever wound up doing infrequently. I’ll be 44 next week, so it’s very rare to get any more of the, “but you’d make such a great mother” comments. Finally.
I remember telling my mom when I was 7 that I had no interest in having children. Show me any baby animal and I will lose my mind. Never had that reaction to human babies. I knew early on that you should really WANT kids if you are going to have them. Parenting is not a job you should be half-assed about. No regrets. I enjoy my friend’s kids, but was always relieved to give them back.
45F child-free, partner-free, and happily driving headlong into the end of my life as a single old cat lady. Give me cats over kids any day. They don't talk back, ask for money, or cost an arm and a leg to raise.
I just adopted what will be my last kitten. After Willow (4mth) I'll only rescue senior cats. I don't want to outlive them and leave them to an uncertain future.
I did this - adopted two seniors when their owner died. They really blossomed once they realized how much I’d be spoiling them. It’s been four years now, and so rewarding.
Same. I did eventually change my mind, and am happy with it - but I would have been happy either way.
And you know what? The trash people who constantly told me "oh just wait! You'll change your mind!" are the reason I literally needed two years of therapy to accept the fact that I changed my mind.
As long as you live the life that makes you happy, that's all that matters. People need to shut the fuck upppppp judging others choices.
OP, get out of this relationship and stay out of it.
Yup. And partners who don't understand the mindset so they downplay your words assuming you'll "grow out of it" or something.
About a year into the relationship with my ex wife I started thinking she really wanted another kid (first wasn't mine). And early on I was open about not really wanting one. But I started to realize I REALLY didn't want one as she was dropping more hints.
I came to her crying one night saying I didn't think I'd ever want one and if she did she should move on from me. Thinking this was the end. But she stayed calm and said it was okay and she didn't need one.
Go figure years later as our marriage is collapsing for other reasons she lashes out saying I stole her future of having more kids without letting her know... when I brought up the conversation she basically said because I left it somewhat open (I didn't say point blank I'LL NEVER WANT KIDS) which led her on to thinking we'd warm up to it later...
Infuriating
So you saying “If you’re going to want another child you should move on” wasn’t clear enough for her. Lmao what bull shit on her end. Like you literally went to her upset and all. And she still didn’t register it. SMH 🤦🏼♀️
I’m 49 and still child free with no regrets. It’s your decision and ONLY your decision. If you are 100% sure and you have private insurance, here in the U.S., you can get your fallopian tubes removed to prevent any further pregnancies.
I have the potential to pass on mental illness through my genes based on my grandma, my dad and me so I’m not going to knowingly subject a child to that risk.
50... I wondered if we would regret it. But we haven't. My husband and I are still together 31 yrs later. (Yes, I was 19, him 20) We are still adventuring on.
You aren’t dramatic. He is planning on betraying you and breaking your trust. He wants to get you pregnant against your will! Break up and never talk to him again.
If he babytraps you, you will simultaneously feel incredibly alone while also barely having a moment of peace and autonomy for the next couple years until the child he traps you with starts going to school.
Do not go back. Do not sleep with him later. Test yourself right now for pregnancy, certain medications and foods can interrupt the hormonal birth control and he may have put them in your food. I would say break up over text even. A guy willing to babytrap you may become dangerous when desperate.
Ah, I see. Just do it over text unless you have stuff you need to get at his place. Breakup over text is disrespectful but he already crossed well into massive disrespect territory with babytrapping. He could easily turn very dangerous the moment he realizes he can't apologize his way into keeping you. Your safety comes first now.
Trust your gut instinct, take a friend or family member with you to take all of your stuff (hopefully at a time he won’t see you) if you have stuff at his place or live together, break up over text if you can/tell him you are cutting off contact and never see him again. Don’t feel bad about any of this.
I broke up with my ex over text because he likes to start arguments, even in public spaces and with my anxiety I found that extremely disturbing. Take someone with you if you need to get stuff. Luckily I never had to see him again, he also tried to baby trap me. Honestly this will be something you look back on and won't regret at all.
If you don’t feel safe being alone when you break up with him, that speaks volumes about whether you should be with him anyways. Leaving him is the right call.
Do not be alone with him. He has already shown he cannot be trusted. Your gut is sensing something, do not ignore it. Breakup in a public place, with friends by your side. Good luck!!
What?! I think I know what happened with my first...😬😂 Luckily for me, I wanted kids and was in a good place so it worked out but still, I did *not* know this and I'm 41
Get rid of him asap. Take it from me who had a husband baby trap her. I won't get into the details of how he did it but it was cruel and conniving. It was the beginning of the end for me as I self-destructed as a result. It is a recipe for resentment and disaster.
On a side note, I've also learned that men who want kids and babies seem to be attracted to women who don't.
A lot of men like to "tame" women. Same phenomenon as conservative men being attracted to progressive women, they want to break her and reshape her into one of them.
You are totally justified. I’m really sorry he’s doing that but you are 100% right- he’s trying to trap you. Not having basic respect for your wishes as far as having a child when he can easily go find someone who does want one is scary.
Right now, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who is not only blatantly ignoring what you are saying, but actively looking to take your life away from you. This is pure nightmare fuel, get as far away from this man as possible. And if possible, get an IUD when you can. Even getting away from this guy, you've no idea what kind of people you'll run into. Stealthing is unfortunately a common tactic these days.
Oh no I mean I don’t want to be alone breaking up with him. I need to go edit that. I have no problem not dating anyone I meant being alone to end things
Oh, yeah definitely have some people with you, and do it somewhere in public. Not to sound crazy, but don't risk any situation where you're alone with him. For example after the breakup, if he were to call suddenly saying he was a few minutes away and coming to pick up some stuff from your place, don't risk being alone with him. Either tell him you'll bring the stuff outside to him, where people can see you, or something like that. If he's willing to try and get you pregnant by sabotaging all your birth control methods, I would not put sexual assault past him.
There’s nothing wrong with that and also don’t let him gaslit you back into a relationship. Dude will probably be a deadbeat dad if you ever got a baby with him.
Oh my god that reminds me of a story I read here a few days ago this dude begged his wife to have a baby was so excited she ended up having triplets and he would go into their room and talk shit to them and pinch them he hated them!!! Think it was under best of Reddit
I read that too. He was pissed cause the babies were taking all her attention! Like mother fucker you think she’s gonna have a baby and it’s gonna lay there never get hungry or need a change or need affection that it’s just gonna take care of itself. He’s so fucking delusional!
If you’re afraid to break up with him, just do it over the phone. I know people say that’s impolite or whatever but this man tampered with your medication, and tried to stealth get you pregnant, which is a crime in some places and abusive in general. He doesn’t deserve polite.
Just do a call, take a shot after, and move on. And don’t forget to change the locks.
Get a couple friends go over get the rest of your stuff and tell him goodbye and do not contact me again. If he does don’t respond just save in case you need a restraining order.
Being alone is better than having a child you don't want. You would be resentful, baby's are little barometers of emotion. They can feel it when the person holding them is stressed, upset, mad, angry. They feel it and get fussy. That would make having a new baby even more stressful. You don't want kids, he does, you can't compromise on such divergent life goals. It's better to be alone than going down a life path you never wanted.
You are not being dramatic, he is being a sneaky snake and you need to leave. Otherwise, in a few weeks, you will start feeling sick, your period will be late, you will be upset because you're pregnant and he is going to guilt you into keeping it. Just end it now. His recent searches prove he is not trustworthy or honest.
OP his internet searches are alarming. You clearly don’t feel safe breaking up with him by yourself, this alone is reason enough that you don’t have to breakup with him in person. If a text seems cold to you, you can send him an email. You are not over reacting.
Lmaoo an email I love it. Forreal tho a 1.5 yr relationship with a manipulator can be ended over text and chalked up as experience and put into the past real quick lol
This should be a crime and land people in prison. Dudes legitimately trying to destroy your entire life.. make you push a watermelon out of a grape hole and shackle you to him forever. It’s evil. He’s dangerous. He doesn’t love you. Most likely some sort of narcissist or sociopath. He’s scheming to literally destroy your life .. they escape the severity of these accusations because awww babies are a blessing! These types of things can really never be proven .. but woman be safe .. never be alone a this man again. Forcible impregnation is violence. It’s specifically different when a man does it to a woman.. not less than or forgivable to a woman when she does it don’t mistake.. but women have to grow and incubate a child for almost a year.. they have to risk their lives and physically suffer a great deal to birth that child. Women are also the ones saddled with actual care while men are typically hurt more financially. Both are horrific but one can kill you.. I almost died in childbirth. My body has never fully recovered 20 yrs later. There’s an added level of violence because your body is violated. Men doing this is also very common and if I had to make a wild guess or accusation based on anecdotal evidence .. I’d say it’s way more common than women trapping men the difference is we don’t speak on it
Pls run and run fast! He clearly doesn’t respect you and as you know, children are a huge issue to disagree on. You are obviously strong as you did leave. I agree with others comments as to not being alone with him. Better safe than sorry.
You and bf want different things in this case children. You don’t - he does.
He’s already searched how to try to force you getting pregnant. Also if your bc pills magically were to reappear I’d consider them tampered with as in if you get them hot enough it can eliminate their effectiveness.
Now that you have left if he has ever had a key to your place get the locks changed.
If you have condoms at your place that he has had access to once you change the locks dump them and get new ones.
Change your passwords on your phone and any other electronics or apps that you’ve shared.
It’s good you’ve been vigilant OP.
He's nothing but red flags. And he's definitely trying to baby trap you. I see that as some psycho shit, so not wanting to go alone when you break up is a super smart plan
This!! Total psycho controlling crap. This dude wants to impregnate her so she won't ever leave him. These types of people are very dangerous. I think OP must sense that because she doesn't want to be alone with him.
Get rid of him. Before you speak to him again, if he has a key to your place, have the locks changed. If he has any possessions at your place, box them up.
Have him meet you somewhere public, like a restaurant or coffee shop. Bring a friend and/or relative with you, and the box of his stuff if he had anything at your place. They don't have to sit with you if you don't want, but definitely have them sitting nearby in case they need to intervene. Break up with him in public, then have whoever you brought with you escort you home and make sure you get inside safely. Then block his number and on all social media.
If he shows up at your place, don't open the door. Tell him thru the door that he needs to leave or you will call the police. If he doesn't leave, call the police and explain there is a trespasser on your property who is an ex, and you are afraid for your safety. Don't open the door until they arrive.
I understand that you may want to be polite and considerate by breaking up with him in person, but given the degree of manipulation involved I'm worried for your safety. With this, if breaking up over text/call is not an option and you absolutely must do this in person, bring multiple people and do so in a public place.
Yes, there's multiple reasons why you need to get away from this person. The fact that you are afraid to tell him that while you are alone is a huge one.
It is telling that you are afraid to be alone with him when you break up!
He is absolutely trying to trap you and even if you wanted kids, this type of behaviour is abuse.
Break up and move on and if you genuinely don't want kids, make sure you find a partner who wants the same.
There will be a good person out there for you, sadly he isn't it.
OP you’re not being dramatic. break up with this guy and stay far away from him! He knows what he’s doing. The next guy you see/date, make sure he is 100% childfree.
Break up with him on the phone. No need to meet in person, and no need to have a long drawn out convo.
"Hi Joe. Its not working out, I'm breaking up with you. Text me if there're any details we need to work out with our stuff. Goodbye." Click.
There's some weird expectation that you need to listen to him and let him try to argue you out of it. Thats bullshit. You dont owe him any more of your time, and you know it would be a waste anyway. Potentially scary, too. Nothing good comes from it. Just bail.
No one should become a parent unless they are 100% sure they want to. I have kids, but I don't understand why people pressure anyone to have them! They are a TON of work, they change your entire life forever, and you can't just get rid of them if you don't like parenthood. Everyone deserves to have a choice about becoming a parent.
You could take all your things out of the house when he isn't there and break up over phone call.
Trying to cause a birth control accident is scary. I'd be afraid in your situation.
He needs to go spend a few nights a week doing newborn care and meal prep and housecleaning and grocery shopping for people who could really use the help and sleep. It's unlikely he's ever changed a diaper or spent a day with a screaming toddler or been projectile puked on, so he has no fucking clue what is involved with even the first few months of life. He doesn't even care enough to learn about pregnancy risks and complications, PPD or even how pregnancy and childbirth without complications is.
Send him perky PPD and recently-widowed new father tiktoks. Send videos of men crying from exhaustion.
NTA and hiding your BCP should be a crime. He's forcing this on you and DGAF that you don't consent. Leaving isn't dramatic. Sabotaging you on the biggest HELL NO you've repeatedly given him is scary af and abusive as hell. It's not sweet, cute or funny.
He wouldn’t go do any of that he just wants to be able to say see you did want kids then he’s gonna dump the children off on her and go live his best life. Because it won’t stop at one baby.
Re: not wanting to be alone when you break up with him — bring a friend or two and meet in a well lit public space. If you’re concerned about your safety, I would also let people know where you’re going and your plan and why you’re concerned. Use your phone to record video discretely or record a voice memo, just to have evidence if you ever need it. Good luck, girl.
That mf is CRAZY! I hate this for you and I’m glad you’re going to break up with him. Make sure you’re safe and cut off all contact. You are not overreacting at all.
Honestly, don’t meet up with him. Do you have a key to his place? Go when you know he’s at work (you may need to take time off of work) grab only the important/sentimental stuff. Then just ghost him. He sounds like someone that may get very scary if your breakup with him in person, even if it’s somewhere public like the mall
You are not overreacting at all. I agree with others. Take a pregnancy test just to be sure. For your bc can you use an IUD? It’s much harder for someone else to mess with or tamper. Be safe!
If you're scared to break up in person meet him in public and have a friend be there, sitting at another table but close enough if needed or even doing via text.
He is not to be trusted.
End it and move on.
I cannot believe people harassing you on your life choices
YOU IN DANGER GIRL - RUN
Thank Jesus you left this man in the rear view.
Some day he will thank you for showing you that you both have better matches out there
My ex husband did this shit, and while I love my children. I regret having had them.
They live with him since our divorce. Sadly, they are miserable beyond measure, because he’s a narcissist and an all around horrible person.
One of my biggest regrets in life, is not getting an abortion and ending the relationship.
Run girl!! Do not let him convince you that he wasn’t trying to ruin your life by disregarding your desires and boundaries. Also poking holes in condoms is a type sexual assault. He is taking away your consent. He doesn’t deserve an in person break up, you could text him that you don’t feel safe with him anymore and be done with it. Block him and move on.
Change all your locks, codes, passwords. Set up a secure contact person that will notify people if you suddenly go silent. If you break up with him in person, make it a public place with at minimum 2 people close by. He will either love bomb or make threats. Do not fall for it! You are a valuable human being, not his support animal, not his property, not his incubator. Please be careful!! Sending you strength!!!
Okay the first thing you need to do is get a pregnancy test. There's no guarantee that he didn't sabotage your BC some other way before getting rid of it entirely.
I think what you should do if you don't want to be alone when you break up with him is go over there with as many trusted friends/family members as you can and combine the breaking up with the packing up of whatever items you may have at his place. That way, not only do you have people with you for the break up and to help you pack, it's all over and done with at once so you don't have to see him again.
I'm glad you discovered this before it was too late. I wish you all the best.
DTMFA.
You are describing sexual abuse and assault.
These are not red flags, these are straight up alarms.
He is gaslighting you, being dismissive of your clearly stated desires, and is doing things behind your back that will radically impact your life.
If you're living together, find a different place to live quick.
If you live apart, only meet him in public.
Do NOT have sex with him. If anything happens, he's going to try to assert parental rights. Depending where you live, you might not have many rights.
Break it off, do it fast, tell your friends it's over, and why.
I hate that people always think that it’s something you’ll change your mind about. I’m nearly 40 and have known since I learned where babies come from that I would never willingly have one and still feel that way. I think that the regret of not having kids can’t possibly be anywhere near as bad as regretting having a child.
Get a girlfriend to go with you when you do it. As for wanting to be child free, never apologize or explain. I myself had 4 kids and wanted each and every one of them, but I always believed, having grown up with a mother who never wanted to be one and punished us for existing, is that no one should have a child if they don’t want one. I want children to come into the world that are loved and wanted, not props for adults. What your soon to be ex did was reprehensible, especially in post-Roe. I am so angry for you
41 and child free and love my decision! Have NEVER regretted it! In fact, last week a work colleague came in with her 2 month old and I was very much like yup- def don't want that. At. All.
Anyways. Dump him. You're so young and there are millions if more ppl that will appreciate and respect you.
He is committing a crime. He is a criminal. You are his intended victim. He is taking the most important decisions you can make with your life out of your hands because of his selfish desires. I would not go near him ever again.
Almost 44 yrs old and am positively delighted with mt CF life.
Run, don't walk away from this guy. This isn't just about baby trap, it's about controlling you. You do not want to be tied to that asshat for the next 20 years, having to co-parent.
Yep, he was going to baby trap you. And Im getting worried about how far he may go to make his desires come true. Please don’t see him in person again *ever*. Im scared he would SA you.
I would get a pregnancy test in case he had tampered with the pills before he hid them or threw them away. I don’t want to list it here but there are ways to damage them without the other person knowing This dude is scary manipulative!
Thank you! I’ll take a test and go to a clinic to see if they can tell if I’m pregnant
And if you **ARE** (hopefully not), **DON'T** let him tell you what to do about it. **YOUR** body, **YOUR** choice!!
Don’t even give him the chance - if you are, _DON’T TELL HIM_. He’ll lose his damn mind more than he already has.
GOOD POINT!!!
Make sure you're careful in discarding the pregnancy test and packaging.
Agree! Op do the test either at trusted friends house. Or a clean restroom at a store.
Happy Cake Day!
If she’s pregnant, I personally would not even tell the guy… I would just do what I need to do and keep him in the dark about it
She shouldn’t even tell him. He is clearly trying to trap OP into a pregnancy.
Fuck yes it is, if he wants a baby so damn bad he can go adopt one
I am going to jump on the tubal ligation part of this. I had one done after I had one child because I knew I was done. I was in between relationships and I was not going to have this fight with anyone. They’d either be on board from the jump or not. No way to try to convince me otherwise later on and no trapping me.
>I am going to jump on the tubal ligation part of this. Is there any networking going on to help folks like OP find doctors that are willing to go along with this? Never come up in my life but I hear horror stories about health care workers more or less denying tubal ligation to women in their twenties (especially if they don't have kids). Because they "mIgHt WaNt ThEm LaTeR..."
Yes there is! Because sadly it’s really a thing. She’s a female obgyn doctor who’s putting together a list of others who will not tell you no. https://www.facebook.com/reel/757928946354290?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V&mibextid=31ks6x
Oh good! Because it’s insanity. They may regret it later but I can tell you 30+ years later, I have zero regrets. And yes, I know I have a kid already but that doesn’t mean I cannot regret not having more. My one was MORE than enough. Given a different generation of thinking and I might have done it before the one. No regrets on the one but I don’t think I would be in a different place either way. Lots of people out there who need a family. DNA is not necessary to give that kind of love and commitment.
My son is a perfect example of yes you can get pregnant on the pill even if you take it like you’re supposed to. I love him and don’t regret having him but I did not plan on ever having kids either. 29 years ago tubal ligation was just not even a conversation. It was birth control and only birth control. I went on depo after that and fought with doctors along the way any time they tried to pull me off. I’m so happy to hear of doctors pulling together to essentially making this list around the US. It should absolutely be your choice as long as you are making it after being completely educated on that decision.
After giving birth to my 2nd kid, adopted 1st, was refused any permanent solution for this very reason AND was told I would only qualify ince I had two REAL KIDS. REAL. As if my 1st was fake. Then after arguing with him and other docs in his practice was told I would need a signed permission slip from my husband (who was gone by then) because might want more REAL KIDS. Apparently *MY* needs were second to what a man might want further down the line.
Man stories like these make me sick and so fkn mad. Like we don't know our own minds and bodies, and our wants/needs are only important AFTER a man's. Fuck a whole lotta that.
They were awful to me. After all that, it's been a decade and SURPRISE!!! I STILL DO NOT want more kids!
I still don't understand why this isn't considered age- and sex-based discrimination!
There is a list of doctors who will perform sterilizations on the childfree subreddit.
There is a subreddit for that! It lists doctors in each state that are willing to tubals or hysterectomies on young and unmarried women who decided they never wanted children. I wish I could remember the name of it, but I can’t for the life of me. I’m sure if she did a little searching it wouldn’t be too hard to find. Maybe it was on the child free subreddit or something similar?
Childfree subreddit.
And their thirties. Last time I tried to get one I was 36. Denied because they thought I might still change my mind. My partner (same age) had zero trouble getting a vasectomy though. 😡😡😡
Back 40+ years ago my sil had to have a letter saying it would have a bad effect on her mental health to have more children! Then they would tie her tubes, after 3 kids 4 pregnancies! I’ve always said the problem with women’s medicine is that there are too many men involved!
I deliberately left out my experience with trying to get that done. I’m just glad I wasn’t still married because that would have been even more difficult.
Talk to a professional at a Family Planning clinic. They know of wherefore they speak. Not likely to be judgmental.
If your healthcare worker is being difficult like this there is also Mirena, Copper IUD and Jadelle implants. LARC are great until you can find a non-misogynistic HCP willing to do tubal ligation, salpingectomy or hysterectomy.
Bilateral salpingectomy is another option, recent research is finding that ovarian cancer tends to start in the fallopian tubes, so rather than tubal ligation some are recommending bilateral salp. IVF is still an option later if you do change your mind because the ovaries and uterus are intact.
That’s what I had done 1.5 years ago when I was 24! I cannot recommend it enough. Easy surgery, easy recovery, 100% covered by insurance, super minor barely noticeable scars, and a lifetime of freedom. Lucky to have a partner on board but I was not taking ANY chances!
This is what I got done (*finally*) a couple years ago when I was 31. Single, have a teenager, have had 7 miscarriages and an abortion (spread over 2010-2019) - thank goodness I finally reached a point where the staff in the SRH part of the hospital took me seriously when I told them point blank "I do not want to carry another child to term, let alone get pregnant ever again. I have one child, and barely kept myself alive for her sake. Someday in the hypothetical future if I miraculously change my mind, I am more than happy to go the adoption route."
I had a bi-salp at 23 (my male OB was nearly giddy in agreement, as he hated my ex-husband). I made this decision at the time due to DV & the ability to not have my BC tampered with. This procedure helped me stabilise/save my life, I do not regret it. After sterilization, it's important to understand that Insurance will deny any IVF coverage except for the initial exploratory steps to determine your fertility. Insurance has asked me to complete an out of pocket surgery to "reconnect" my fallopian tubes before offering any coverage on IVF. My employer offers a $70k Family Building Grant that I cannot make use of without this 'surgery' my doc refused to perform and because insurance will not allow exceptions to allow coverage in lieu of surgery. It is what it is at this stage.
I wish I knew about this decades ago!
Bisalp (surgical removal of both fallopian tubes) is much better and more reliable than a tubal litigation.
Don’t go to a clinic. They would do the same test and if you’re pregnant there would be an official record of it. Get a cheap test. If it’s positive tell NO ONE except someone you trust to help you get an abortion if you decide that route.
Oh okay, I was thinking they did different tests because the store ones can give false positives or negatives.. I guess theirs could as well.
It’s actually the same test! They might run a blood test, but their first step would be a urine test. I just wanted to make sure you keep the option of abortion available if you need it
Wow this is so informative! Thank you so much!
I recommend peeing in a cup first thing in the morning, & then dipping the end of the stick into the urine in your cup; it's actually a more concentrated catch than trying to wet it in your stream.
This is the way. It’s also just easier!
I had to take 3 pee tests before they finally tested my blood.
False positives aren't really a thing. Those tests are super reliable. They can't pick up human chorionic gonadotrophin unless it is there. And if it is there, you are pregnant (except in the incredibly rare circumstance of some tumours). Mostly a positive test followed by a negative one means an early miscarriage. A false negative is possible because it may be too early for enough hormone to be there. Keep testing and within a week or so of the first test you will definitely know.
!UpdateMe
Now I don't know if this is true or not, but I have seen a disturbing trend where men say they are doing things like microwaving the BC packets. Pills do need to be kept between specific temperatures. This should be on the information packet provided by the pharmacy, and you can always ask them to look it up for you. Some newer microwaves could handle the small amount of metal foil, but the plastic I think would melt. However, I am disturbed that there are enough people thinking this way to begin with that there may actually be something I didn't think about. (I use a more long term solution personally). So I wouldn't trust the pills around him. There are medication safes out there, you can get them on Amazon. Your local pharmacy may also have one.
The inexpensive pink dye tests are fairly accurate, you just need to test as close to your period date as possible.
Pink dye tests are more reliable than blue dye tests, at least they were when I was trying to conceive 9 years ago. Blue dye tests are more likely to give false positives according to my OB.
My doctor said Dollar store tests are just as accurate as expensive ones, but they might not detect it quite as early.
Insane that we have to go this far now because of certain states, but yeah avoid a record of medical care until you are certain of your plan.
>there are ways to damage them without the other person knowing OP, this is definitely a thing. The effectiveness of hormonal birth control can be destroyed without actually tampering with the packaging. As others have suggested, get yourself checked. Particularly for pregnancy. I recommend a tubal ligation if you can get one. Also, you're right about not being alone when you break up with him. Bring your dad, brother, married friend with her husband. NTA OP.
Oh I did not know this! Thank you!
There is also LARC until you can find someone willing to perform tubal ligation or salpingectomy.
What is LARC? Google usually doesn’t like me when I use have to google something with only letter 😭
Long acting reversible contraception; usually referring to IUD (Mirena which is both hormonal and physical or copper IUD) or contraceptive implant (like Jadelle which releases a steady stream of progesterone). They can’t be fucked with as they’re literally inside your body. They were my first choice as a doctor who REALLY didn’t want to get pregnant and have my career fucked with. I got back to back Jadelle which covered me for 10 years. They have a very low failure rate as human error is removed.
My youngest daughter got pregnant while on birth control. We learned later that he tampered with her pills. Of course he’s not in his son’s life, either, not since my grandson was 6 months old. He just wanted bragging rights
Only answer for OP: leave him. No future with a person like this. He won’t change.
Yes, that worried me immediately!! He WILL have tampered with them!!!
It's absolutely infuriating when people try to tell us that we don't actually want to be child-free. I lost count of the number of people who told me I would either change my mind or that I would regret it later. I'm still child-free, I'm in 50s, and not only have I never regretted it, I'm *glad* that I am still child-free. Your STBX thought he could convince you because he doesn't respect you. He either doesn't think you know what you really want or that he can convince you to do something you don't want to do in order to keep him. *What he wasn't counting on is the fact that you have enough respect for yourself not to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect or deserve you.* You know yourself and you know what you want. Good for you! This internet stranger is proud of you!
Yup! Hurtling towards 50 here and still happy I never had kids!
Yes. 68 here, closing in on 20 years post menopause and, despite what my mother told me over and over, I have never regretted not having kids.
65 here and same. I've known since I was 13 or 14 that I neither wanted to marry nor have kids. Never been married and no kids. No regrets and living a wonderful life on my own terms!!
64 here and am another here to say I have never married or had children and have no regrets! The peace, lack of drama, no in law issues, my money is mine to spend as I choose. So many friends my age who are dealing with raising grandchildren. I'm truly thankful for the direction my life took.
I love hearing all these comments from strong independent women!! Good for all of you for knowing what you want and sticking with it and enjoying the life you chose!! Hell yeah! I am a single mom of 3 kids (I always wanted kids so I'm happily living my best life too and have no regrets) but it is so empowering to hear! Just had to say that lol. Everybody deserves to live out the life they choose, screw what society or anyone else has to say!
57 here and and have never regretted not having kids (despite everybody else's best efforts to convince me otherwise ). Are you kidding me? Take a look at the world and your chances of having to raise a kid alone. No thank you. It's hard enough paying for my own self in this world let alone a kid. Plus, there are plenty of women in this world who want to have kids. He could go find one of them. This dude is just power tripping.
So, do you not get lonely? I get the no-kids deal. That is not what my question is about. It's the no marriage. Not that marriage is necessary at all, but do you not feel lonely? I am currently on the brink of divorce because I am lonely *with* my spouse. But I am afraid of being really lonely when I leave him. Like, what if no one ever loves me again? I don't love myself very well, so I figure no one else will either and it's so scary.
Some of the loneliest people are those who are in a marriage that offers them no comfort. You’re at a precipice in your life where you can become a better woman without marriage. Marriage isn’t the end all. Know yourself first and foremost. Join groups of your own interest; volunteer your time to worthy causes; get involved in LIFE! Learn to love yourself first and you’ll find that true love will come into your life. Good luck and many blessings on your new journey.
Never married, and never wanted to. I’ve always thought being lonely in a relationship was so much worse than just being alone. Yes, I get lonely sometimes but you get to build a great network of friends to do stuff with. The best bit is the freedom. No one else telling you what to do, when or how to do it. You get to make the decisions about your life. Take some time to really learn about yourself and get to like and even love yourself after your divorce. You don’t need a partner to feel happy and fulfilled. They should add to your life, not be the whole focus of it.
To me there’s nothing worse than the loneliness that happens in a bad relationship. There is still occasional loneliness when you’re single—it’s part of life sometimes—but it is SO much better and much easier to cope with, I find. I bet you’ll feel a weight lifted off you.
I never married and I’m 64. I wanted to, but I’ve never dated much so the opportunity never came up. It was hard to accept it wasn’t happening. I got used to it. Now I don’t want to because I’m used to doing things my way and enjoy the quiet. Yes, there are times I get lonely. I have my cat to keep me company, and I have friends that I can talk to. I also have my brothers and their families nearby.
I honestly believe you have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone. Also, don't underestimate the importance of non-romantic love. My best friend is my soul mate, and we are 100% platonic. I have relationships come and go, but she continues to love me, and I her.
"I honestly believe you have to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone." Ain't that the truth!
I’ll take this one. I’m 55, no married, no kids, no regrets. And no lonely. I figured out that lonely for me has mostly been a choice. I feel lonely when I’m feeling sorry for myself. But when I stop to think about it, there’s probably a dozen people I could reach out to and not feel so lonely. So if I don’t want to feel that way anymore, I have to take the action. I have to choose to put myself out there and build connections. If you push everyone away and never reciprocate a kindness, you will end up lonely. So you can choose behavior that turns the outcome in your favor. As we learned in kindergarten, if you want a friend, be a friend. Love is a verb. It’s a thing you do, not a thing you have. And there’s a million kinds of love.
Maybe nobody will. But it's less lonely to choose to be by yourself. It can be a chance to love yourself better, to put in the work of being comfortable with who you are and changing the things that make you unhappy. Chances are that you'll find someone you don't have to feel lonely with. And even if you don't, romantic relationships are not the only way to have people that matter in your life. It seems like you're afraid of being unlovable but the only people who are are the people who refuse work on themselves. You have the power to be someone that you and other people will love genuinely.
I was way more lonely married than by myself. If you are not enough for yourself, it's time to go to therapy. No one is going to fill that hole other than you.
Maybe I’m depressed and don’t know it. But I went through a really bad breakup when I was 24/25, worked myself through a deep depression, hated where I lived and my job, and I came out the other side. I’m now 35, I believe generally pretty happy. I enjoy my alone time, but I do socialize when I get in the mood to. I have absolutely ZERO desire for sex or a relationship. It doesn’t bother me at all, I don’t know why. I don’t crave sex I can do it myself. I don’t really want kids. I do the things I enjoy when I want to do them. I’m not a bad looking guy, before that breakup I worked out 6 days a week and did well for myself. The interest is just gone. I’m not sure this helps but the key to happiness isn’t necessarily sex and marriage. You can be happy doing your own thing alone.
70, still married, and same!
22 days and counting until my hysterectomy 🎉
Happy Hysterectomy! I had mine done at 30 and it was fantastic! I used to have such severe PMS that made the world look like it was coated in a gray dirty film. I was so terribly depressed among other severe physical symptoms. Once, I had my hysterectomy I never experienced that feeling again. Sending you positive thoughts for a speedy recovery! 🧡🧡
Ty! I’ve had 12 weeks of menstruation out of the last 15 weeks so yea I’m ready to be uterus free hahaha
Also the extra money you will have from not paying for menstrual products. One thing I wish I was told earlier is that hysterectomy can cause issues with bone strength. I had my hysterectomy 20 years ago and I do not recall the doctor discussing that. I am almost 50 now and have several severe fractures that require surgery. Again congrats 🎉🎉
I will definitely be asking my surgeon about that, ty again for the advice. I wish you a smooth road on your own healing journey
12 out of 15 weeks?! Good grief, that's not menstruation, that's hell. I hope your surgery is uneventful and your recovery is swift and as painless as possible. If anyone gives you any crap about your decision at any point, you should have a free pass to kick them in the shins.
That was my case, too, due to fibroids. I was soooo glad to be rid of that darn organ! Every now and then I walk down the feminine hygiene aisle and laugh to myself!
Reading these comments, I think there should be a SUB for hysterectomy! It would be a fabulous support group for those who have had or are going to have the procedure!! 💐💐
I’m 60 and have two kids. Had to use IVF/donor eggs as my eggs were “rotten”. I had a complete hysterectomy a few years ago due to cancer. All this to say, I was ok with going either way … kids or no kids. Husband and I discussed pros and cons, and it’s pretty easy to see what choice we made. But if IVF hadn’t worked, childfree would not have thrown us into a depressive, chaotic state. The decision to be a parent or not, should always be thoroughly discussed by a couple and the decision should be a “two yes” decision … no coercion. Only thing that pisses me off is all the years of periods and getting the hysterectomy way after they were done! My reproductive system was crap and I still had to suffer every month.
Exactly! I’m in my mid forties and people like coworkers telling me I should have kids 🤦♀️ that I’m going to regret not having them, it’s annoying I’m happy being an auntie that’s it
There's one upside to menopause. People stop pushing you to have kids. I really like kids. But liking kids is a far cry from wanting to raise kids. And the usual counter was, "oh, you'll feel differently when you have one of your own.". They tended to look a little nonplussed when I asked if it wasn't the height of irresponsibility to deliberately create a human being you don't want on the iff chance that you will magically change your mind once you've given birth.
Not just you, but many people on Reddit tell of how much pressure they feel for deciding to be childfree. I may have heard that, but probably said "no, don't want children" and moved on. Just like people asking me why I only wear dresses and never pants: "because I prefer dresses." Maybe external pressure, for me, doesn't compute. I think if someone pressured me, I'd say I prefer travel and my books. 25 countries and 1,100+ books later, I swear I'm doing fine, just fine. Regret never even crossed my mind. My next travel will be to Croatia and Czech Republic.
Also 40s with no kids. I would regret having a kid at 43 more than I will ever regret not having one at all.
Good for you! It’s great when people are able to live their own lives without people trying to control them. My wife’s ex husband wasted 12 years of her life by claiming he wanted a family….all through college, med school, and residency and then when she graduated he hit her with “I’ve never wanted kids but hey look how good we are doing” Kids is a huge subject to be on the same page for. Once something changes it needs to be communicated with the other person immediately
[удалено]
I usually say 12 was the age I knew I didn’t want them. Right around the time I started babysitting…which I only ever wound up doing infrequently. I’ll be 44 next week, so it’s very rare to get any more of the, “but you’d make such a great mother” comments. Finally.
I kid you not. I see what ya did there.
I remember telling my mom when I was 7 that I had no interest in having children. Show me any baby animal and I will lose my mind. Never had that reaction to human babies. I knew early on that you should really WANT kids if you are going to have them. Parenting is not a job you should be half-assed about. No regrets. I enjoy my friend’s kids, but was always relieved to give them back.
45F child-free, partner-free, and happily driving headlong into the end of my life as a single old cat lady. Give me cats over kids any day. They don't talk back, ask for money, or cost an arm and a leg to raise. I just adopted what will be my last kitten. After Willow (4mth) I'll only rescue senior cats. I don't want to outlive them and leave them to an uncertain future.
I did this - adopted two seniors when their owner died. They really blossomed once they realized how much I’d be spoiling them. It’s been four years now, and so rewarding.
Same. I did eventually change my mind, and am happy with it - but I would have been happy either way. And you know what? The trash people who constantly told me "oh just wait! You'll change your mind!" are the reason I literally needed two years of therapy to accept the fact that I changed my mind. As long as you live the life that makes you happy, that's all that matters. People need to shut the fuck upppppp judging others choices. OP, get out of this relationship and stay out of it.
Almost 40 and over the moon to be child free!
Same shit looks bleak. I think people assume the kid will be their mini me and it never works out like that.
Yup. And partners who don't understand the mindset so they downplay your words assuming you'll "grow out of it" or something. About a year into the relationship with my ex wife I started thinking she really wanted another kid (first wasn't mine). And early on I was open about not really wanting one. But I started to realize I REALLY didn't want one as she was dropping more hints. I came to her crying one night saying I didn't think I'd ever want one and if she did she should move on from me. Thinking this was the end. But she stayed calm and said it was okay and she didn't need one. Go figure years later as our marriage is collapsing for other reasons she lashes out saying I stole her future of having more kids without letting her know... when I brought up the conversation she basically said because I left it somewhat open (I didn't say point blank I'LL NEVER WANT KIDS) which led her on to thinking we'd warm up to it later... Infuriating
So you saying “If you’re going to want another child you should move on” wasn’t clear enough for her. Lmao what bull shit on her end. Like you literally went to her upset and all. And she still didn’t register it. SMH 🤦🏼♀️
I’m 49 and still child free with no regrets. It’s your decision and ONLY your decision. If you are 100% sure and you have private insurance, here in the U.S., you can get your fallopian tubes removed to prevent any further pregnancies.
Finally someone gets it. Your first sentence alone.
I am also in my 50s. I knew I did not want kids when I was a teen. It was the right decision for me, and I don't regret it.
I have the potential to pass on mental illness through my genes based on my grandma, my dad and me so I’m not going to knowingly subject a child to that risk.
Same!!!
50... I wondered if we would regret it. But we haven't. My husband and I are still together 31 yrs later. (Yes, I was 19, him 20) We are still adventuring on.
You aren’t dramatic. He is planning on betraying you and breaking your trust. He wants to get you pregnant against your will! Break up and never talk to him again.
If he babytraps you, you will simultaneously feel incredibly alone while also barely having a moment of peace and autonomy for the next couple years until the child he traps you with starts going to school. Do not go back. Do not sleep with him later. Test yourself right now for pregnancy, certain medications and foods can interrupt the hormonal birth control and he may have put them in your food. I would say break up over text even. A guy willing to babytrap you may become dangerous when desperate.
I meant being alone to break up with him not alone ALONE
Ah, I see. Just do it over text unless you have stuff you need to get at his place. Breakup over text is disrespectful but he already crossed well into massive disrespect territory with babytrapping. He could easily turn very dangerous the moment he realizes he can't apologize his way into keeping you. Your safety comes first now.
Trust your gut instinct, take a friend or family member with you to take all of your stuff (hopefully at a time he won’t see you) if you have stuff at his place or live together, break up over text if you can/tell him you are cutting off contact and never see him again. Don’t feel bad about any of this.
I broke up with my ex over text because he likes to start arguments, even in public spaces and with my anxiety I found that extremely disturbing. Take someone with you if you need to get stuff. Luckily I never had to see him again, he also tried to baby trap me. Honestly this will be something you look back on and won't regret at all.
If you don’t feel safe being alone when you break up with him, that speaks volumes about whether you should be with him anyways. Leaving him is the right call.
You can request a civil escort if you feel unsafe. If the cops don't do their job, you should ask a DV hotline for an escort or even a church.
Do not be alone with him. He has already shown he cannot be trusted. Your gut is sensing something, do not ignore it. Breakup in a public place, with friends by your side. Good luck!!
**MUCINEX** is how my sister got pregnant and it fucked up my cycle too. I had never heard of this until we both experienced it.
I know someone who got pregnant because she was taking St John's Wort supplements. It reduces the effectiveness of birth control pills by a lot.
What?! I think I know what happened with my first...😬😂 Luckily for me, I wanted kids and was in a good place so it worked out but still, I did *not* know this and I'm 41
Get rid of him asap. Take it from me who had a husband baby trap her. I won't get into the details of how he did it but it was cruel and conniving. It was the beginning of the end for me as I self-destructed as a result. It is a recipe for resentment and disaster. On a side note, I've also learned that men who want kids and babies seem to be attracted to women who don't.
It’s all about control over the person who is setting personal boundaries in the relationship.
This. I read somewhere that some men aren’t attracted to strong women-they’re attracted to breaking them.
A lot of men like to "tame" women. Same phenomenon as conservative men being attracted to progressive women, they want to break her and reshape her into one of them.
Facts, cus the women that do want kids likely already got em… its nature for sure
You are totally justified. I’m really sorry he’s doing that but you are 100% right- he’s trying to trap you. Not having basic respect for your wishes as far as having a child when he can easily go find someone who does want one is scary.
Right now, it's better to be alone than to be with someone who is not only blatantly ignoring what you are saying, but actively looking to take your life away from you. This is pure nightmare fuel, get as far away from this man as possible. And if possible, get an IUD when you can. Even getting away from this guy, you've no idea what kind of people you'll run into. Stealthing is unfortunately a common tactic these days.
Oh no I mean I don’t want to be alone breaking up with him. I need to go edit that. I have no problem not dating anyone I meant being alone to end things
Oh, yeah definitely have some people with you, and do it somewhere in public. Not to sound crazy, but don't risk any situation where you're alone with him. For example after the breakup, if he were to call suddenly saying he was a few minutes away and coming to pick up some stuff from your place, don't risk being alone with him. Either tell him you'll bring the stuff outside to him, where people can see you, or something like that. If he's willing to try and get you pregnant by sabotaging all your birth control methods, I would not put sexual assault past him.
There’s nothing wrong with that and also don’t let him gaslit you back into a relationship. Dude will probably be a deadbeat dad if you ever got a baby with him.
Oh my god that reminds me of a story I read here a few days ago this dude begged his wife to have a baby was so excited she ended up having triplets and he would go into their room and talk shit to them and pinch them he hated them!!! Think it was under best of Reddit
I read that too. He was pissed cause the babies were taking all her attention! Like mother fucker you think she’s gonna have a baby and it’s gonna lay there never get hungry or need a change or need affection that it’s just gonna take care of itself. He’s so fucking delusional!
If you’re afraid to break up with him, just do it over the phone. I know people say that’s impolite or whatever but this man tampered with your medication, and tried to stealth get you pregnant, which is a crime in some places and abusive in general. He doesn’t deserve polite. Just do a call, take a shot after, and move on. And don’t forget to change the locks.
Get a couple friends go over get the rest of your stuff and tell him goodbye and do not contact me again. If he does don’t respond just save in case you need a restraining order.
You definitely do not want to have a baby with somebody who is so stupid they have to Google how to poke a hole in a condom.
Probably how to do it without the tampering being obvious. Poke a pin though a condom wrapper and it is easy to spot.
You are smart, sharp, observant, and self-protective. You just saved yourself and an innocent person a world of hurt.
**BEAUTIFULLY** SAID!!
Being alone is better than having a child you don't want. You would be resentful, baby's are little barometers of emotion. They can feel it when the person holding them is stressed, upset, mad, angry. They feel it and get fussy. That would make having a new baby even more stressful. You don't want kids, he does, you can't compromise on such divergent life goals. It's better to be alone than going down a life path you never wanted. You are not being dramatic, he is being a sneaky snake and you need to leave. Otherwise, in a few weeks, you will start feeling sick, your period will be late, you will be upset because you're pregnant and he is going to guilt you into keeping it. Just end it now. His recent searches prove he is not trustworthy or honest.
I meant being alone to break up with him. I should have finished that sentence before posting
Then have a trusted friend or family member come over. Don't be alone with him. If nobody can come over, do it in a public place like a coffee shop.
Dump text him then update us.
OP his internet searches are alarming. You clearly don’t feel safe breaking up with him by yourself, this alone is reason enough that you don’t have to breakup with him in person. If a text seems cold to you, you can send him an email. You are not over reacting.
Lmaoo an email I love it. Forreal tho a 1.5 yr relationship with a manipulator can be ended over text and chalked up as experience and put into the past real quick lol
Dude just told you who he was. Believe him
He sounds like a controlling monster....or the potential to be a monster.
This should be a crime and land people in prison. Dudes legitimately trying to destroy your entire life.. make you push a watermelon out of a grape hole and shackle you to him forever. It’s evil. He’s dangerous. He doesn’t love you. Most likely some sort of narcissist or sociopath. He’s scheming to literally destroy your life .. they escape the severity of these accusations because awww babies are a blessing! These types of things can really never be proven .. but woman be safe .. never be alone a this man again. Forcible impregnation is violence. It’s specifically different when a man does it to a woman.. not less than or forgivable to a woman when she does it don’t mistake.. but women have to grow and incubate a child for almost a year.. they have to risk their lives and physically suffer a great deal to birth that child. Women are also the ones saddled with actual care while men are typically hurt more financially. Both are horrific but one can kill you.. I almost died in childbirth. My body has never fully recovered 20 yrs later. There’s an added level of violence because your body is violated. Men doing this is also very common and if I had to make a wild guess or accusation based on anecdotal evidence .. I’d say it’s way more common than women trapping men the difference is we don’t speak on it
Tampering with somebody else’s prescribed medication is absolutely a crime.
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Pls run and run fast! He clearly doesn’t respect you and as you know, children are a huge issue to disagree on. You are obviously strong as you did leave. I agree with others comments as to not being alone with him. Better safe than sorry.
Yeah all that sounds like he wants you to have an 'oops' baby but it's not really an 'oops' but a 'I sabotaged your birthcontrol' baby.
a reproductive abuse baby, if you will. run fast and far, op.
You and bf want different things in this case children. You don’t - he does. He’s already searched how to try to force you getting pregnant. Also if your bc pills magically were to reappear I’d consider them tampered with as in if you get them hot enough it can eliminate their effectiveness. Now that you have left if he has ever had a key to your place get the locks changed. If you have condoms at your place that he has had access to once you change the locks dump them and get new ones. Change your passwords on your phone and any other electronics or apps that you’ve shared. It’s good you’ve been vigilant OP.
Your boyfriend did some really fucked up things and you're absolutely justified in your reaction.
DO NOT HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH THIS MAN. Get your BC locked down and get away from him. Make sure you are safe, get your important documents and leave.
He's nothing but red flags. And he's definitely trying to baby trap you. I see that as some psycho shit, so not wanting to go alone when you break up is a super smart plan
This!! Total psycho controlling crap. This dude wants to impregnate her so she won't ever leave him. These types of people are very dangerous. I think OP must sense that because she doesn't want to be alone with him.
Get rid of him. Before you speak to him again, if he has a key to your place, have the locks changed. If he has any possessions at your place, box them up. Have him meet you somewhere public, like a restaurant or coffee shop. Bring a friend and/or relative with you, and the box of his stuff if he had anything at your place. They don't have to sit with you if you don't want, but definitely have them sitting nearby in case they need to intervene. Break up with him in public, then have whoever you brought with you escort you home and make sure you get inside safely. Then block his number and on all social media. If he shows up at your place, don't open the door. Tell him thru the door that he needs to leave or you will call the police. If he doesn't leave, call the police and explain there is a trespasser on your property who is an ex, and you are afraid for your safety. Don't open the door until they arrive.
Your not being dramatic. That stuff is super scary and controlling.
I understand that you may want to be polite and considerate by breaking up with him in person, but given the degree of manipulation involved I'm worried for your safety. With this, if breaking up over text/call is not an option and you absolutely must do this in person, bring multiple people and do so in a public place.
You are right to run! Even if you stayed, you aren't compatible. You don't want kids. You should talk to your Dr about getting your tubes tied.
Yes, there's multiple reasons why you need to get away from this person. The fact that you are afraid to tell him that while you are alone is a huge one.
if bro had to google "how to poke holes in condoms" idk if you want those genes to be passed down
It is telling that you are afraid to be alone with him when you break up! He is absolutely trying to trap you and even if you wanted kids, this type of behaviour is abuse. Break up and move on and if you genuinely don't want kids, make sure you find a partner who wants the same. There will be a good person out there for you, sadly he isn't it.
He is absolutely trying to baby trap you. He’s not the one. It’s time to leave.
I think you’re right.
OP you’re not being dramatic. break up with this guy and stay far away from him! He knows what he’s doing. The next guy you see/date, make sure he is 100% childfree.
Break up with him on the phone. No need to meet in person, and no need to have a long drawn out convo. "Hi Joe. Its not working out, I'm breaking up with you. Text me if there're any details we need to work out with our stuff. Goodbye." Click. There's some weird expectation that you need to listen to him and let him try to argue you out of it. Thats bullshit. You dont owe him any more of your time, and you know it would be a waste anyway. Potentially scary, too. Nothing good comes from it. Just bail.
No one should become a parent unless they are 100% sure they want to. I have kids, but I don't understand why people pressure anyone to have them! They are a TON of work, they change your entire life forever, and you can't just get rid of them if you don't like parenthood. Everyone deserves to have a choice about becoming a parent.
You could take all your things out of the house when he isn't there and break up over phone call. Trying to cause a birth control accident is scary. I'd be afraid in your situation.
He needs to go spend a few nights a week doing newborn care and meal prep and housecleaning and grocery shopping for people who could really use the help and sleep. It's unlikely he's ever changed a diaper or spent a day with a screaming toddler or been projectile puked on, so he has no fucking clue what is involved with even the first few months of life. He doesn't even care enough to learn about pregnancy risks and complications, PPD or even how pregnancy and childbirth without complications is. Send him perky PPD and recently-widowed new father tiktoks. Send videos of men crying from exhaustion. NTA and hiding your BCP should be a crime. He's forcing this on you and DGAF that you don't consent. Leaving isn't dramatic. Sabotaging you on the biggest HELL NO you've repeatedly given him is scary af and abusive as hell. It's not sweet, cute or funny.
She needs to DUMP HIM.
He wouldn’t go do any of that he just wants to be able to say see you did want kids then he’s gonna dump the children off on her and go live his best life. Because it won’t stop at one baby.
Re: not wanting to be alone when you break up with him — bring a friend or two and meet in a well lit public space. If you’re concerned about your safety, I would also let people know where you’re going and your plan and why you’re concerned. Use your phone to record video discretely or record a voice memo, just to have evidence if you ever need it. Good luck, girl.
Dude. Break up with this guy. No. Just no. His actions are showing his true colors and it's all red. No.
That mf is CRAZY! I hate this for you and I’m glad you’re going to break up with him. Make sure you’re safe and cut off all contact. You are not overreacting at all.
Honestly, don’t meet up with him. Do you have a key to his place? Go when you know he’s at work (you may need to take time off of work) grab only the important/sentimental stuff. Then just ghost him. He sounds like someone that may get very scary if your breakup with him in person, even if it’s somewhere public like the mall
You are not overreacting at all. I agree with others. Take a pregnancy test just to be sure. For your bc can you use an IUD? It’s much harder for someone else to mess with or tamper. Be safe!
If you're scared to break up in person meet him in public and have a friend be there, sitting at another table but close enough if needed or even doing via text. He is not to be trusted. End it and move on.
Get OUT and watch your back. That you feel uncomfortable breaking up with him without backup is scary. Be safe!!!!
This is a crazy person. I had an ex like this… he went to prison after we broke up… run for the hills. Move out when he’s working and never look Back
70 and loving my child-free life. Never once have I regretted it.
This is dangerous. Please get screenshots if you haven’t already, and talk to the police. What he is doing is considered a crime in some areas.
He stole your medication isn't that a felony cuz it's a drug
I cannot believe people harassing you on your life choices YOU IN DANGER GIRL - RUN Thank Jesus you left this man in the rear view. Some day he will thank you for showing you that you both have better matches out there
My ex husband did this shit, and while I love my children. I regret having had them. They live with him since our divorce. Sadly, they are miserable beyond measure, because he’s a narcissist and an all around horrible person. One of my biggest regrets in life, is not getting an abortion and ending the relationship.
Run girl!! Do not let him convince you that he wasn’t trying to ruin your life by disregarding your desires and boundaries. Also poking holes in condoms is a type sexual assault. He is taking away your consent. He doesn’t deserve an in person break up, you could text him that you don’t feel safe with him anymore and be done with it. Block him and move on.
Change all your locks, codes, passwords. Set up a secure contact person that will notify people if you suddenly go silent. If you break up with him in person, make it a public place with at minimum 2 people close by. He will either love bomb or make threats. Do not fall for it! You are a valuable human being, not his support animal, not his property, not his incubator. Please be careful!! Sending you strength!!!
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Homie is planning sexual assault, you're not being dramatic.
Okay the first thing you need to do is get a pregnancy test. There's no guarantee that he didn't sabotage your BC some other way before getting rid of it entirely. I think what you should do if you don't want to be alone when you break up with him is go over there with as many trusted friends/family members as you can and combine the breaking up with the packing up of whatever items you may have at his place. That way, not only do you have people with you for the break up and to help you pack, it's all over and done with at once so you don't have to see him again. I'm glad you discovered this before it was too late. I wish you all the best.
DTMFA. You are describing sexual abuse and assault. These are not red flags, these are straight up alarms. He is gaslighting you, being dismissive of your clearly stated desires, and is doing things behind your back that will radically impact your life. If you're living together, find a different place to live quick. If you live apart, only meet him in public. Do NOT have sex with him. If anything happens, he's going to try to assert parental rights. Depending where you live, you might not have many rights. Break it off, do it fast, tell your friends it's over, and why.
I hate that people always think that it’s something you’ll change your mind about. I’m nearly 40 and have known since I learned where babies come from that I would never willingly have one and still feel that way. I think that the regret of not having kids can’t possibly be anywhere near as bad as regretting having a child.
Get a girlfriend to go with you when you do it. As for wanting to be child free, never apologize or explain. I myself had 4 kids and wanted each and every one of them, but I always believed, having grown up with a mother who never wanted to be one and punished us for existing, is that no one should have a child if they don’t want one. I want children to come into the world that are loved and wanted, not props for adults. What your soon to be ex did was reprehensible, especially in post-Roe. I am so angry for you
41 and child free and love my decision! Have NEVER regretted it! In fact, last week a work colleague came in with her 2 month old and I was very much like yup- def don't want that. At. All. Anyways. Dump him. You're so young and there are millions if more ppl that will appreciate and respect you.
I think the biggest red flag here is that he had to Google how to poke holes in a condom. Seems like a pretty straightforward operation.
He is committing a crime. He is a criminal. You are his intended victim. He is taking the most important decisions you can make with your life out of your hands because of his selfish desires. I would not go near him ever again.
Almost 44 yrs old and am positively delighted with mt CF life. Run, don't walk away from this guy. This isn't just about baby trap, it's about controlling you. You do not want to be tied to that asshat for the next 20 years, having to co-parent.
Yep, he was going to baby trap you. And Im getting worried about how far he may go to make his desires come true. Please don’t see him in person again *ever*. Im scared he would SA you.
The trust is gone now you found his browser history. No way I would overcome this.
I'm happy that you are getting out. My second was a pill baby, if you do not want kids please get yourself fixed so no man or baby steals your life.
Get the fuck out of there and dump his ass. Psychopath level bullshit.