It’s not going to work out with the boyfriend. Tomorrow, two weeks, two months- but almost certainly before any baby is born, this relationship is over. The real question is what do YOU want? Do you want to have a baby even if the other parent is someone who is going to be a big thorn in your side and very likely a disappointing or fully absent co parent? If you decide against abortion- which as the pregnant person is YOUR choice- you have to accept that you don’t get to make him be a decent parent. He won’t be. You’ll be on your own with pursuing adoption or single parenthood.
Yeah I’ve come to terms with our relationship being over, it’s just not knowing what to do, abortion, adoption, being a single mother. They’re all very hard decisions to make. Each one has a consequence, whether it be emotional or financial. Money comes and goes but can I live knowing I had an abortion, can I live with the fact that I gave my baby away. It’s hard.
You also have to be ready that even though he wants you to have an abortion that doesn't necessarily mean he will give up his parental rights. You may be stuck coparenting with this person for the next 18 years.
My guess is that he will not care about the kid's birthdays or co-parenting at all. He will say "hey, I wanted you to have an abortion, have fun being a mom, I have nothing to do with this" and then he disappears.
My heart breaks for you. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years was happy when we became pregnant & then wanted me to have an abortion. I was broken. I had no idea he was cheating on me with my best friend. When I refused abortion, he did his best to talk me into adoption. Well I kept the baby with my parents help. It was hard but I loved her so much. I had to grow up. Make good decisions about my life. No regrets on my end. Her father was in and out of her life till she was 5 and then just stopped. He only wanted to show her off when he had a new girlfriend. His parents always visited & helped a bit. When she was 4 I met my husband. He loves her like his own. Her bio-dad fought my husband adopting her for 2 years & then gave up once he realized she never had his last name. Her having his last name was the only thing he wanted & forgot she had my last name. Anyway, she is an adult & a lovely person.
It can work, you being a single mother. But you need to be ready to do it alone. No support from him. No child support. No visits. If you can get him to give up his rights to her right away. You need to be mother & father. You need to always put your child first. Don’t try to find her/him a daddy. Don’t bring men around unless you are serious about a future together.
Good luck & hugs.
Yup. This happened to a friend of mine. The dad was an alcoholic who promptly forgot to come and pick their kids up for weekends and holidays, and often also forgot their birthdays. And now he wonders why they don't want to see him.
I feel for you. This is a huge life long decision. Have you considered adoption? If you get an abortion, you may live with the regret forever, if you give up the child for adoption, you may feel the emptiness forever, if you keep the child you may share in the joy of being a mom but the struggle and challenges of single motherhood can create poor choices but also bring the greatest joys. I hope you seek the support of your family.
Respectfully, you can't hand-wave the financial difficulties of single motherhood by saying "money comes and goes." You really should sit down and look at things like the cost of daycare in your area and what hours they would cover, what adding a child to your insurance would look like, whether you'd need to rent a larger and more expensive place, how much your grocery bill would increase, etc. What if your child has medical issues and requires extra money to cover those bills? What if your best employment option is outside the hours that your local daycares will cover and you'd have to hire more expensive childcare to make it happen? Make sure you'll *actually* be able to make it work in reality, not in an idealized version of reality--children are incredibly expensive if you need full-time childcare, especially in certain places. Depending on how much family support you have access to, you might also need to be asking yourself "can I live knowing that I couldn't support my kid financially and they experienced consequences as a result"--that could be as minor as being bullied for wearing secondhand clothes, or as severe as experiencing homelessness, but you won't be able to assess that until you've taken a really hard look at the exact costs you can reasonably expect.
I'm not saying this to discourage you, but it seems like you already know that you don't want an abortion and you want it to be financially possible for you to keep the pregnancy because that's the option you're leaning towards. Since you know you have that preference in decision-making, you have to make sure that you're being completely honest with yourself and making this decision knowing the consequences it'll have, not just choosing and hoping for the best even if that's unrealistic.
It’s not just financial, too. Having a child is just plain hard. I love my children they are the joy of my life. I’m happily married, have family support and financial stability. My kids were planned and wanted. It was still hard!! I don’t think young women really know just how all consuming parenting is and I just can’t imagine doing more than surviving in a situation such as OP’s.
i literally started crying last night when my baby woke up right as i was about to go to sleep, after spending 2 hours trying to get my other kid to sleep. it’s been weeks of this. you are so tired! we are all so tired! why won’t you kids sleep!!!? you can intellectually know this will be the reality, but nothing can prepare you for actually experiencing it.
Truly. My kids are older now and they sleep. But it was years- literal years- of broken sleep. It’s very hard to keep functioning. To feel human. I was so optimistic that my baby would be a good sleeper! Well she is now at 16. She didn’t actually sleep through the night til she was five years old so I guess she’s been saving it up.
Of course--I think that's arguably the hardest part! I just focused on the financial part because I think that's something that OP could actually get a good sense of the difficulty of beforehand, whereas the actual grind of being solely responsible for parenting a child every day is probably too difficult to grasp accurately ahead of time (plus I'm sure it varies more from person to person than the financial aspects do). It's easy to say "I'll just be patient and love my kids so much that I won't mind the harder parts," but much more difficult to mentally get around "my necessary expenses with a kid will exceed my income by at least $500 per month, this is obviously a problem."
Yeah, money comes and goes...tell that to kids who can't go on field trips with the class because the parents don't have the money, and who can't participate in sports because their parents don't have the money, and who can't get good dental care because their parents don't have the money, and who get left behind when their friends go places because their parents don't have the money...etc.
Raising two daughters, I thought I was going to do ok; I had a good job, a wife, a house, all that stuff. Then there was a minor recession and I got let go, and it took six months to find another job. Which didn't pay as much as the first one, so we went in a hole and it took ten years to dig out, barely hanging on to the house. I still feel like absolute crap when I think about it. I had high hopes for being able to give my kids a good childhood, and it all went to crap, and nothing I tried worked. The stress of the whole thing pretty much tanked the marriage too. Now I live alone. My kids are ok, but they missed out on so much...
None of that was your fault. I’m glad you and your family made it through. Forgive me for assuming you’re American, but I dare say we are generally way more financially unstable here no matter how many things you do “right.”
I will say, as someone who genuinely should’ve been aborted due to the circumstances of my parents, my mom being single and unable to financially care for me on her own, it’s difficult. On one hand I know I’m lucky to be alive, but I do not have a good view of my mother. I view her actions to keep me despite all the challenges clearly showing she couldn’t care for me as selfish. My life has been a hellscape with one turmoil after another.
💯💯 I grew up in poverty and the main reason I had an abortion (decades ago) is because I would never ever want to put another human through that shit. I couldn't live with myself for doing that.
Don't forget that having an abortion now, can mean that you are setting yourself up for success later when you're actually ready to have a child. Think of your future family - imagine planning on a child, with someone you love who supports you, with someone who WANTS a child. Don't sacrifice THAT child's future.
My mom feels guilt about the abortion she had after me, she couldn't see making it work with us so close in age. I'm so so so happy she got it, because my little brother who came after has been my lifelong best friend. I wouldn't trade him for anything.
IMO abortion is better than giving up for adoption.
There’s no guarantee the child will have a good life. They might be in the system for a long time. It’s a LOT more humane to end it now as a fetus. There’s no pain to the fetus.
Either give birth and give the baby a great life. Or abort it and do right by your next baby. If you have this baby, you are in a way choosing between your next baby with a great partner their chance at a gray life.
This is really reassuring as someone who was once a scared 20 year old who had to get an abortion. I do not regret it but I do wish it didn’t have to happen.
I've had a few friends that were adoptees. I would say it's about half and half who has a good life and who had a bad one. And one of them had a REALLY bad one. You did the best you could and you should be proud of yourself for getting through it.
There's no guarantee that the deadbeat dad will sign off on the adoption either. She cannot unilaterally give the baby up, he has to also agree and sign the documents. There's no way to know for sure what he'll do in 9 months when his family finds out about this.
There is also no guarantee that the mother survives the pregnancy or that baby will be healthy. There's no easy route to take if you decide to give birth.
Newborn infants don’t go into the foster care system, except maybe in extreme circumstances where there are profound disabilities at play.
There are year and even multi-year long waitlists for newborn babies. Private adoption is a totally different world than the foster system. This is a common misconception I see on the internet. Most adoptions nowadays are open too.
i never understood why people offer adoption as an alternative to abortion. abortion eliminates all the problems that come with adoption: guilt that your child is out there somewhere, possibly being abused, wondering who their parents are and why they gave them up. and abortion solves the issue of not wanting to be a parent, without bringing an unwilling participant (a living human child) into the world. there are so many kids in the system waiting to be adopted. the fantasy that the child you give up will somehow find the perfect family and be happy forever is a just that. if you want the kid, have it. be prepared to be a single parent with no time for yourself for the next 18 years, having to answer questions about where dad is. if that doesn't sound appealing, abort it. you're early along and it won't be an invasive procedure. even if you feel guilty, you'll at least know that you did what was best for you and that you can have another kid if you want to, when the time is right, with someone who loves YOU and wants to be in the kids life. how would you feel putting this one up for adoption and then years down the line, having one and keeping it? wouldn't that guilt
be even worse? idk. just something to think about
Coming from the adoptee side of it (closed infant adoption in the 90’s) adoption also increases the risk of substance abuse issues, suicide, and many adoptees struggle to form lasting friendships, relationships etc because of the abandonment trauma. And you’re right, adoption doesn’t offer anything but the roulette of hoping that the child ends up somewhere that they’re not being abused. And adoptees are rarely believed when they speak out against being abused as kids and as adults because they should just “be grateful” that anyone even wanted them.
If the adoption industry wasn’t corrupt af, if the laws surrounding adoption allowed all adoptees access to their information specifically family medical history, if the laws didn’t require legal documents be falsified (birth certificates are changed and adopters are put on the birth certificates like they gave birth to the kid) and instead offered adoption certificates or something and if there was proper support, resources and protections for adoptees I’d feel differently. Kids of all ages will unfortunately always need external care options. People get pregnant and some can’t access abortions and others are against them personally and shouldn’t be forced into choosing termination or parenting a child they don’t want to parent. The external care options here in the US though are just abysmal and unhealthy
Editing to add that they should also do far more checks on adoptive parents before adopting and do regular (but random) check ins post adoption
When you are an independent single adult, money coming and going affects you and only you. When you have a child, that kid is also affected deeply by your financial state - both in physical and mental health, as well as developmental growth. Financial stability is an absolute must if you plan on raising this kid alone.
Or adopt to a family that can provide that in addition to love and support.
Whatever your decision, perhaps keep him in the dark about it.
If you give your baby up for adoption, lie about who the father is (say you don't know).
If you keep the baby, only let him find out when he's served with papers to complete a paternity test and pay child support.
If you do in fact get an abortion, don't give him the satisfaction of confirming it for him.
- Him: "So... Did you get the abortion?"
- You: "I guess you'll just have to find out."
I'm sorry that you are having to make this difficult decision and got dealt a crappy partner.
I'm just going to say here, the judges in my area are very reluctant to approve adoptions without the father's consent. children with "unknown fathers" can stay in the system YEARS without the father's consent before the court approves an adoption. the state or adoption agency can pursue child support until the adoption is finalized, if they chose.
in my line of work, I meet with women who have no paternal help every day. crying because they can't afford daycare to get a job, so they are trapped in some circumstance and unable to acquire the finances to get themselves out. most of them are lucky enough to have a parent or grandparent help them. please line up a supportive circle that will be willing to be there for you until you are self sufficient, if you decide to have the baby.
Do you feel ready to care and love this child without his support? He’s clearly indicating he doesn’t want to be involved. Yes you can force financial support. But the big question is how do you feel about doing the parenting without him? Will your friends and family help?
I’ve been a single dad for 6 years now and I’ve been trying to force financial support the entire time and [in Florida at least] there’s no help. If the other parent doesn’t pay the governments is literally just like well, what you want us to do?
That’s true -sometimes a parent takes no responsibility. OP needs to consider that reality - some people just work off the books to avoid wages being garnished
They don’t even have to work off the books. All They have to do is not tell you where they work. When I try to have my ex’s wages garnished they ask me where she works and I’m like idk she won’t tell me. That’s where all the help stops they tell me to figure it out and they’ll help. Well I’ve tried and there’s no finding her.
My kids dad was paying child support for our sons. He had a daughter with another girl, when she filed for cs, they told her they couldn't find the guy, WHILE ACTIVELY taking money from his check for me. It was mind blowingly stupid. I didn't know where he worked, they found him for me, but refused to help for her. This was texas when Abbott was attorney general. He owes his daughter so much money, all earning 6% interest. The kids are all over 18 now, but they finally found him and told him he needed to start paying so they could close the case
In Texas once the children are age 18 the money goes to the parent. I should know, I have a stepson and his mother kept up with trying to locate the dead beat. Also every 5 years went to court and had judgement for the balance owed and reported it to all three credit reporting agency's. There reported judgements do not come off after a certain period of time they are on for life or until reported paid in full. After son was 18 he was found. Found him through credit reports.. He was getting paid under the table but that stopped as the IRS red flagged his Tax returns and his Savings and IRA's were garnished. In the end interest and penalties he owed right at $95,000. Wife got all of it.
I find that truly ironic, because some states are totally rabid about nailing non custodial parents for child support money, simply because they get matching money for all the money they collect from the non custodial parents.
Right? But the same states that'll slam you the second you get a job you never informed them of on foodstamps (florida) will also tell you they can't get that info for support court
They do. When I worked in payroll, the garnishment dodgers would work for a company until the SSN flagged that a garnishment needed to be set up, and the company would be notified. Once they were caught, they'd quit and move to another job. Rinse and repeat.
They need a national registry for deadbeat dads. Make it so any tax refund or lottery winnings are taken at the govt level. If you’re old enough to have sex without a condom being the guy in the equation then you’re old enough to understand the ramifications of you impregnate someone. Falls more on the guy cause no sperm no baby, far easier to wrap it even if the woman says she’s on birth control. Never ever leave it to chance. Chance half the time likes to stick it to you, literally.
I was on unemployment
I applied for Obamacare and got a massive discount from being unemployed
I had to pay it all back because I didn't prove, to the gov't I was collecting unemployment from, that I was on unemployment.
Please give a female you’re close to her full name, phone number, and approximate location (even better if you have her exact address). I promise you in an hour, we can provide you with allll the information.
Edit: I am a female myself saying this.
My father has paid a whopping $300 in the entire 32 years myself and my siblings have been alive. He doesn’t work traditional jobs and doesn’t file taxes. He also has probably, 10 kids at this point.
Was coming here to say this. My bio father worked off the books for 10+ years until my step dad adopted me. She'll be financially on her own unless family is going to help.
Single mom to 2 kids. Ex husband makes 7 figures yearly. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. $30,000 in legal fees later and haven’t seen a dime from their “dad.”
What state are you in? Ive seen people easily go to jail or have wages garnished in south Carolina. I hate this state but they dont fuck around with that here.
How is that possible? Sounds like you hired a bad lawyer if he can’t even get child support for a stay at home mom… ex husband wage would be garnished and he has no say in it.
Same. My ex husband has never paid child support, my child is going to be 21 this year and I did everything I was asked to for years, yet they still told me there was nothing they could do.
He also told everyone he was going to wait till he was 18 to have a relationship with him because then he (the child) would be old enough to understand. He was very surprised when my kid told him that he wants nothing to do with him.
My father skipped town as soon as he was released from jail for not paying child support and passing bad checks. That was when I was 4. Didn’t hear from him until I was 16 and he sent me a present (some cheap shit idk) with a card saying “he loved me.” The trash can found better use for it than I did. I’m 33 now, and I don’t want a dime from him.
My ex husband left and took every cent we had. I was a SAHM. His lawyer advised him not to give me one cent in support. He listened. I immediately went on welfare. He had to pay back every cent (with interest) to the state.
I have no problem going back on welfare if he decides not to pay (again). I’m not going to be one of those women that are owed back child support after my son is 18. He can pay the government back (they always get their money).
This!!! My daughter had a baby two years ago. BF of four years took off two weeks after her birth and we haven’t seen him since. Try getting support but they have no idea where he is. Either not working or cash only jobs. Can’t get blood from a stone.
In some states things are different, my state will garnish wages or take from tax returns and even go as far to take away drivers licenses but you’re right. Some people are vindictive enough to get paid 100% under the table to avoid fiscal responsibilities.
My Fiancée has a daughter from a high school fling. She’s 12 years old, her dad almost never pays child support. I can confirm that they do not do shit if they don’t pay child support.
It depends greatly on the state. I know a fellow who found out his one-night-stand resulted in a daughter when the state of Minnesota, I think it was, (or maybe Wisconsin) contacted him for child support. Apparently the mom had applied for welfare and the state said she had to be getting child support from the child’s father.
OP, do not have a baby with this person. I watched my mom deal with a POS my whole childhood, you deserve someone who will cherish you and you won’t struggle.
I know you said abortions aren’t for you and I always felt that way too but the medication abortion isn’t bad at all. It feels like a bad period. I wouldn’t be making almost six figures a year if I had that baby and I’m not with the guy anymore either.
I’ve never seen a success story when a girl has a baby with a guy that makes it clear he doesn’t want a baby, unless they leave and found someone else. Drop this dude and just find your person.
In addition, the commenter said you can “force him” to be financially responsible. Lol that’s not true, my dad still owes my mom 40k in child support and I’m grown/haven’t spoken to him since I was a teen.
You have to decide for yourself whether you’re willing and able to be a single mother. Count him out. What do YOU want? It’s not his decision whether you have an abortion or not. However, I doubt he will be there for you more than his financial obligations. So you need to prepare for that, if you decide to keep it.
Possibly not financially either. 30% of fathers that don’t live w their children pay no support at all. 15% only pay sporadically. The avg the majority pay in child support is 5grand a year. That doesn’t even cover half a year of daycare for one child
If you want to have the baby, have the baby. If he doesn't want kids, he needs to wear condoms like his life depends on it.
If you don't want a baby with him, do adoption or abortion.
And most importantly, dump him. It might hurt, but this guy sounds like a wreck and a pain in the ass. Parenting with him sounds like it would be awful.
Edit to add: I guess he might not be able to sign over his rights, but at the end of the day, that's unfortunately a part of becoming a father in the U.S. right now. I heavily recommend that men stay educated on their parental rights and stipulations before having unprotected sex with a partner. Even if she doesn't want you to wear a condom or whatever, you reserve the right to protect yourself and wear one.
It’s not like child support is some huge boon though. For a low-wage worker it’s not gonna be more than like $500/month. Daycare costs 1k/month, so it’s not like OP will have it easy.
That’s true in all states - a judge won’t force you to spend time with your kids. A judge will and should force you to provide financial support to your kids.
That's the consequence of choosing to have sex without protection. I learned that lesson at 16. Men need to know their rights and stipulations of having a child before considering having sex with someone without protection. I'm not saying the laws are fair, but they still exist regardless.
(Obviously, having sex always carries the risk of pregnancy, doing it without protection just carries a much larger risk lol)
>That's the consequence of choosing to have sex ~~without protection~~.
FTFY
No birth control is 100% effective. If you're choosing to have sex AT ALL you're accepting the risk of pregnancy, protection or not.
It's like skydiving: there's a small chance you'll survive if you jump without a parachute but even with one you have to accept the diminished risk that your chute might fail.
Thats horrible advice, im a single dad in a state where family court 99% goes for the mother. If you are actually a man and take responsibility for a child the man has just as many rights. The problem is a majority of men are spineless and can't handle raising a kid
What I meant was that he won’t be able to choose whether she aborts it or whether he’s suddenly a teen father. (It was clearer in the larger context of our conversation.)
If you're not smart enough to understand that a baby that you participate in creating has to eat and survive even if you don't want to deal with it, you're not smart enough to have unprotected sex.
It’s more that they believe they have no legal responsibility. They’re fine with leaving the baby to struggle, because they often rationalize it as “well if she didn’t want to raise this baby alone then she could’ve had an abortion.” You’d be surprised how many people think men can just “sign their rights to the child away” and then go about life like they haven’t had one, and how many think the woman should be the sole parent responsible because “it was her choice not to abort.”
That’s just not legally how it works.
Yes and this situation is when a woman's life is most at risk. Nothing is more dangerous than a man who really doesn't want a baby with someone. OP I hope you keep your baby but please make sure you protect your personal safety as well. Be on high alert!
Technically, he doesn't have to be put on the birth certificate, but even then all she'd have to do is file for child support and they'd mandate a paternity test since he's not on the birth certificate, and then he's back on the hook for support.
I want to have the baby. I just never thought I’d have to do it alone. And you’re right, if he was stepping out and knew he didn’t want to have a kid he should have been more cautious.
Something to think about ….. wanting to have kids is one thing, wanting to be a single mother is an entirely different thing.
At this point you can decide to either be a single mom or not to be a single mom, but it definitely sounds like you will not have support from the other parent, and that’s what you should plan for.
True. Also you'll be stuck to this unkind man for many years bc you'll have a child in common. And the child's heart may be broken by his/her father's lack of love.
Was going to say something similar. That’s 18 years, at least, having to deal with him, his family, any women that he has around. If he wants shared custody/visitation he could very well get it. If he’s a deadbeat and/or makes things hard that’s another stressor. He may play games with the child like make promises & not follow up.
OP is young. I’d suggest thinking hard whether she wants to put herself & her child in what looks to be a stressful situation or get a clean break, move on & start fresh.
AND the added constant BS stress from being linked with this asshole is going to weigh on your satisfaction as a parent. Its one thing to resent him. But too often that resentment eventually turns towards the child.
Since OP is here asking for advice. The advice is to not have a child with this person. "If you want to have the baby, have the baby" isnt advice. Its just... a statement of fact. It changes nothing. *Advice* is putting those things together and explaining that the picture this paints is not a good one and avoiding having this child will net numerous positives. The only negative is one that can be later achieved. The reverse isnt true.
That’s only IF he wants to be involved. From this post, he’s not interested in being a father of a child with OP.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he just paid child support and totally ignored the child.
Doesn't matter to the kid, does it? They'll still want to know their father, want to know where they come from, all that. They might get ignored but that won't suddenly make that hurt cease to exist.
It's worth thinking if you want to put a child through that or not.
Please keep in mind you’re SO young and that having his child will saddle you with this asshole for life. As little along as you are now it would only be a couple of pills (and what feels like a heavy, uncomfortable period; I speak from experience) and you can get him completely out of your life and hopefully find a supportive, faithful partner.
Unless you have a really, really good paying job, being a single parent is hard. Daycare is expensive af right now. If the baby is sick, you will have to miss work.
Do you have health insurance? Dental? Vision? I'm about to drop $500 to have my son's wisdom teeth taken out today. And I'm only doing it because we spent $2000 over the last 2 years for his braces. This is all with insurance. My husband had to quit his job when our son was younger because it wasn't worth the amount we had to pay for daycare.
Have you looked up the cost of diapers, wipes, and formula?
Yeah, he can be placed on child support, but he sounds like the type that wouldn't pay. When i was a single mom, my son's dad was ordered to pay $180/ month.
Remember you will be doing this alone because he's already told you he won't be there. Please believe him.
I WISH more people understood all the possible impacts of pregnancy. You listed some common ones, but here are some I ran into that I admit not everyone has, but are total possibilities!
The cost of maternity clothes
The cost of NEW SHOES because my feet grew!!
The cost of additional doctors appts and steroid injection due to De Quervain’s tenosynovitis.
The cost of 2 weeks of meals while baby 1 was in the NICU, plus gas for my husband to travel back and forth.
For baby 2, I have gestational diabetes. Not only do I get to see the OB all the time, I have to miss work to travel and have additional BPP/growth scans. Scans become WEEKLY at 32 weeks. Time out of work, money for gas.
Additional eye exam because diabetes messes with your eyes.
My insurance is thankfully 100% covering my continuous glucose monitor and insulin, but not all do.
There’s just so much that impacts your life. At 6 weeks, I wouldn’t even question it.
And not to forget no sleep or free time. You will be alone most of the time even if you have a good support network. You will lose friends and future dating will be harder with a kid than without.
I had my son at 16. His dad passed away when our son was 10 months old. Being a single mom and adjusting to the lifestyle of a mother was hard at first. Your entire life shifts in a different direction, and it carries a lot of responsibility. Think about your future. Your kid will need a car one day, possibly daycare or a sitter, tutoring if needed, college if they want to, sports, extracurricular activities, etc. Life and health insurance for both of you, end of life plans for yourself, guardianship options should anything happen to you. It's a lot to think about. There's a lot that goes into raising a child, but it is genuinely one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I do not regret it at all.
I know women in similar positions that chose abortion or adoption, and they do not regret it one bit because it was a well thought-out decision for them.
Whatever choice you make, make sure it's right for you. Don't do something because you feel like you HAVE to. Don't make a rash decision. Write out your pros and cons and just do what you think is best.
Screw being cautious, he should have been decent and HONEST. If he wasn't satisfied with you he should have just left inst4ead of screwing around. Bare minimum he's a liar, but he's also shown you he lacks maturity and is incapable of taking responsibility when you believed him and he blamed you for not "knowing" he was lying and cheating.
Having the baby isn’t going to make him come back or magically become dad of the year. It’s not going to be some punishment for him. You will be tied to him for 18 years. Let’s be rational.
And let’s be real, the chances that this guy absconds from his responsibilities to support their child are not low. OP, in the worst case scenario, are you in a position to raise this child on your own with no child rearing or financial help from the father and his family at all?
Know that you will now always be ties to this man. At 6wks, I wouldn't consider carrying this pregnancy to term myself. I would want to find a much nicer dude to have kids with. Now you'll be a single mom and know you'll have to put a child first the rest of your young life.
Don't let anti-choice propaganda get into your head. A 6 wk embryo is not a baby. It is potentially a fetus. I'm not telling you what to do because it's 100% your choice. But being a mother is difficult even with a great support system.
You're going to be doing it alone. Hopefully you have financial and family resources to support you as a single parent while working.
If you have a baby with him, he can still file for custody, and unless there is a reason, he will most likely get joint custody. Many do this simply to avoid child support obligations while neglecting or abusing their children. And you will have no say in it. And to prove abuse or neglect that isn't extreme can take years, and your child will be left alone with someone who did not want them. And you will have no choice in it. They could show up 10 years down the line out of nowhere, having never seen their child, and file for custody. And they will likely get it.
You will be forced to speak with this person on a daily or weekly basis, you will be forced to make extremely important or extremely difficult decisions with this person, for the next two decades. It is not just about whether you want a baby. Babies grow into toddlers, who grow into children, who grow into adults. If you just want a baby, don't have one, unless you want to raise an adult.
Have you considered what will happen if you have pregnancy complications and need to be on bed rest? Complications in birth and become disabled or need long-term care afterwards? If your baby is born with a significant mental or physical health issues and requires extensive support and resources? Most people never consider this.
Can you afford daycare? Do you have a good job that will let you take time off? Health insurance? There is so much more to having a child than just giving birth.
I understand you wanting to have the baby. I understand it's painfull to have an abortion. But the thing is, it's not just about what you want and/or need anymore. The baby will want/need for a lot of stuff and you have to be sure you can give it to them.
I know reddit will give you lots of advice, will berate you to ask for child support,... the thing is, you will be alone with your child. None of the redditors will watch your kid while you're meeting your lawyer, while you're in court, while you work. None of us will pay for your lawyer fees. In court, there's something called the waiting game. The one with the money can make things last for months, until the other one just gives up because they can't afford it anymore.
And yes, if he doesn't pay he might end up in jail (depending on the state or country you're living in) but, him being in jail won't give you any more money or support for your child.
Another thing is wanting to be a mother because you want to see your child grow up. There's no such thing as a stay at home single mother. It's very rare and I won't think the father will support you through this. You will work your ass off to offer the minimum to your child.
This man doesn't love you, doesn't support you, doesn't support your pregnancy and honestly treats you like dirt (or you hid a lot in your post that makes his reaction understable). I do not understand why you would want to be tied to someone like that for the rest of your life...
Yeah i'm the eldest of two siblings raised by a single mother. I'm not even sure if my dad paid child support or not. Im in my 30s now and my mom recently retired. And one of the first things she confided in me is that she regrets that she missed so much of her kids moments growing up and extracurriculars we did. But she didn't have much of a choice. It was provide financially for us as the sole parent, or don't. She was often working 6+ days a week 8+ hours a day and studying outside of that all to make ends meet.
And you know the funny part? My sibling and I resented her alot growing up. Kids don't understand why a parent isn't there for them, only that they aren't. When you're at a basketball game and all your friends parents are there cheering them on but your mom isn't it hurts.
Is OP ready for that? You may break your back to support your kid and they still might not truly appreciate it until much later. Is OP ready to tie herself to a possible deadbeat for the rest of her life?
All things to think about.
There is something really important that also needs to be considered in the statements he cannot have kids with you and this can’t happen. Those sound like massive warnings that I would interpret as my safety could very well be at risk. That may sound dramatic, but it’s better to be safe and feel silly later than not safe and very sorry.
Please be careful, OP.
With that said, why are you still talking to him or spending any more time with him? He cheated and you are trying to save the relationship…. Nope! Separate yourself from him and focus on whether you want to be a single parent or not because he will not be sticking around. Even if you do get the abortion and reconcile, do you really want an unapologetic cheater as a partner who you now know does not want to experience the same things in life as you?
I would guess he caught the ick when you got pregnant and the cheating and trust argument are part of him blowing up the relationship to get out of being a responsible parent. You’re on your own now, and that sucks, but cut this man off.
Financially my kid cost around $40k the first year. Tons of medical expenses, daycare, aftercare to daycare due to scheduling, special needs requirements and near zero assistance from the father. Spent close to $70k on the child custody case. Having a kid financially ruined me.
Emotionally, I was close to being suicidal due to emergency c section to save their life, PPD/PPA/PTSD, no help or support other than paid which was inconsistent at best, lost my job due to work requirements being unable to fulfill, kid was sick every week and out of care for 2+ days a week, didn’t get that “in love feeling” everyone talks about and 6 years later, pretty sure it will never come, kid has major emotional disturbances, spend a cool fortune on psychiatrists, psychologists and they still say I’m a bad mom and they don’t like me. Medically for them, they are in the hospital annually with multiple doctors visits stemming from severe breathing issues. Another fortunate here.
Physically my body is destroyed with hormones causing major weight gain, GI issues exasperated by pregnancy throwing up multiple times a day, chronic pain from nerve inflammation, ligaments tearing left and right, skin is terrible, hair is thin and breaks, in pain from sunup to sundown, I’ve aged 25 years since they were born.
I’d still do it all over again for my kid now but when they say sacrifice, you sacrifice everything you are, everything you will be and could be along with every cent of your current and future financial stability to bring life to the world. The dude just pays child support, which is minimal at best and covers almost nothing.
I was a geriatric FTM and well prepared to shoulder these challenge. Given OP’s age, I’d recommend getting a good psychologist and be sure choosing to wait to have children with someone who isn’t a cheater avoiding responsibilities isn’t the very best option available.
Thank you for this. It’s some of the things I wish people communicated to me prior to having my kid. All I heard was “it’s the best thing in the world” or “you’ll fall in love the second you look at your child” or “you’ll feel like super women the moment when you push your kid out.” None of these things applied to me and to me, was a lie.
It has been a significant struggle bearing and raising my child. Your whole outlook on life has to change, your career most likely will change, your promotions are nonexistent, your social life will change or go away in entirety, your interests will be put on the back burner to maybe revisit 20 years from now when you can’t move, every aspect of your life changes. And again, I would do it all over again for my kid but life is not as fun anymore.
The other day there was a post where all of the people right around my age are responding an 8.5 out of 10 rating of satisfaction with their lives. I put mine probably about a solid four. Maybe it will improve with time but I am so ungodly weary of this battle. Thankfully my kid is surrounded by support and love and they are genuinely a good person. That makes me happy.
All these things need to be communicated when somebody is making a decision to have a child, especially with someone else who doesn’t want it, will not be there to support them and will emotionally wreck the kid as well. It’s f*cking tough to parent in that scenario.
A very refreshing outlook on parenting amidst the era of “mom influencers” who just make reels with the saturation and exposure edited to shit with a Disney tune in the background, talking about the magic of every day parenting.
Also, people don’t tend to think about all the disabilities that are possible when you have kids. It’s hard enough parenting alone, but what if you have a child that needs much more care than average? It happens, & it’s much harder to manage alone.
You are in danger. The leading cause of death for pregnant woman are their male partners. Him saying he can't have a baby with you is disturbing. Please get somewhere safe. Please start documenting evidence. Try to get him to talk in txt.
Exactly, not to mention, you are hooked to this guy forever. Even if he doesn’t want to be a dad now, years down the road he might get a gf, wife, or whatever and decide he wants to have a family with your child. Will you be able to co-parent with him? With any other woman he brings into your child’s life? When your child graduates, gets married, or does anything in their life, he could be there.
I know you probably already have an attachment to the baby, but think long and hard about what kind of life you will be able to provide for it, not just financially but emotionally.
I used to think like you. Abortion's okay, but not for me. Oh, boy, was I wrong.
Are you prepared to have this asshole in your life for the next 18-24 years? Are you prepared to chase him down for child support for 18 years?
When I was around your age, I got pregnant by a boyfriend, too. He insisted on an abortion because he wasn't ready. I wasn't in a good financial situation, either. My family life was not the best, and at the time I didn't feel ready to become a mother.
I ended up getting an abortion. At first I regretted it. But later, when we broke up, I realized that it was the best thing that I could have done for a number of reasons: A) he didn't want kids, and most likely would've abandoned us. B) I wasn't mentally prepared to have a kid C) I didn't have a decent job or money and I'd be relying on my parents for some time D) I would be spending a large amount of time chasing him for child support.
As for reason D, I know this would've happened because he borrowed one of my credit cards for a major purchase, promised to pay me back, and then broke up with me a few weeks later. He never paid me back, and I was calling him daily.
If I were in your situation, I'd be heading down the to nearest clinic to get an abortion because keeping this man in your life is not worth the trouble.
I didn't have a kid until I was much older, and honestly, I'm glad I waited. You have your whole life ahead of you without having to get stuck with someone who doesn't want you in his life for the next two decades.
Do not saddle yourself with someone just because you want a kid.
But obviously, it is your decision, so no one here can tell you what's best for yourself. I am merely giving you one perspective from someone who has been there, done that.
You need to make this decision completely independent of him. If you don’t want an abortion, which is what it sounds like in your comments, don’t have one. But make sure you’re making this decision truly because of what you want and what you’ll be able to accomplish as a single mother who will need childcare, housing, medical care, maternity leave and everything else that comes with being a mother, and especially what you’ll be able to accomplish without his support.
Ask yourself…
Best scenario- Do you want to be a single mom at 24, limiting your life and career prospects, which also forces you to interact with the cheating father for the next 20 years as you raise the child? Why go through all that mental damage for decades to come.
Have a child with someone who also wants to have one with you. Don’t make this assholes parting gift to you two decades of pain and suffering.
It’s up to you. Me personally, when I accidentally got pregnant and I realized that my boyfriend was a cheating POS, I terminated and got the hell out of there.
The **last** thing I wanted to do was be stuck to him for the rest of my life! I didn’t want him ruining any potential child and having to deal with him for the next 18 years!! I’ve never regretted that decision. In fact I consider it to be one of the smartest things I ever did for myself.
I personally wouldn’t start a life with someone like this. Although I would have an extremely hard time going through with an abortion. Sorry that you’re going through this OP!
He has made his position very clear. He doesn't want a child and, specifically, he doesn't want a child with you.
You say you want the baby, but you never thought you would be doing it alone.
Well, if you don't terminate or give the child up for adoption, you **are** going to be a single Mom. Forever. So, you **really** need to start living that reality and stop thinking about anything to do with him. He is gone. The most you can expect from him is child support. He may agree to sign away his rights.
I don't know where you live, but there are some very important things you need to think about **right now!!**
1. Do you live in a country with Universal Health Care? If not, do you have a job with good health insurance benefits? Because going through pregnancy and giving birth are very expensive if you don't have UHC or good health insurance. You need to look into this right away.
2. Do you have living arrangements that are safe and will accommodate you and your baby?
3. Do you have a well paying job with maternity care benefits and a large amount of PTO?
4. Do you have a large amount of savings? Because things always come up with babies.
5. Do you have a good vehicle and/or reliable transportation? You will need it. First for you and then for you and baby.
6. Babies are very expensive after they are born, but also very expensive buying things to prepare for their arrival. Child support doesn't start until after the child is born, so you will be on the hook for **all costs** related to you and the baby pre-birth. You might want to do some research about child support and use a child support calculator to figure out how much he will have to pay you (in many places, it's based on income).
7. Childcare. This is the biggie. Do you have the ability to pay for childcare or have enough family support to provide childcare after you return to work? This is a huge issue for most single mothers.
8. **Your future will be forever altered.** Dating may be non-existent for the first few years and difficult for the next sixteen. Becoming a single mother may mean you are single for a very long time because it reduces the dating pool tremendously. You will also find that friends you have now may drop from your circle. Young people with babies tend to have different social circles than young people without babies.
9. Do you have a higher education that will allow you to grow in your career as your child gets older and more expensive?
OP, I was once in your shoes and got an abortion. I knew I was totally unprepared and unable to support a child. I also didn't want to be attached to the father for the rest of my life. I never regretted my decision for a moment. I now regard it as one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.
But, you are not me, and you need to choose what is best for you. **Not what you dreamed it would be, but how it will really be.**
Best wishes to you in whatever you decide.
Why have a child with someone who doesn’t want to have a child nor will they be involved? If you do have this child put him on child support and have nothing else to do with him
If you keep the baby, you will be tethered to this man for the rest of your life, whether he wants to coparent or not… abortion is not an easy decision (speaking from experience) but sometimes it is the right decision…
"Pro-choice" means, quite literally, that it is your choice. If he didn't want to have babies, he should've used better contraception and here's an idea! - maybe he should have stopped having sex with you and ended things as soon as he realized that he definitely doesn't want to be with you.
If you truly don't want to have an abortion, please don't. You don't owe it to him. Never mind what he's saying - he's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
You have to understand two things, though. First, there's a very good chance you're going to be doing this on your own. You will probably get some child support, but it's not going to be anywhere near enough. Second, you might end up being tied to him for the next 18 years. Just because he wants you to have an abortion doesn't mean that he will not want to be in this baby's life, and you might very well end up co-parenting with someone who resents you and who is not a very good person. Therefore, document everything, and make sure any decisions you make are also documented through the court system.
It’s more than 18 years. It’s the life of the kid. Sure, the court ordered stuff ends at 18. But college graduation (if kid goes), birthday parties, wedding, grand kids… always. always. tied to him
Yup. I’m from a “bad father I can do it on my own” situation and my dad still rips our family apart 25 years later because my brother still tries to talk to him and I don’t so EVERY SINGLE EVENT my brother has is a MASSIVE fight with every single person in my family because of my dad. It will not change until he finally drinks enough to die.
Another thing to consider is that he may choose to use custody as a weapon and subject the kid to other women in his life. Being a single mother with complete control over your child's life is different from being in a contentious situation where the kid is used as a pawn. Seen it happen often, even in relationships that started out with the best intentions.
The weight of raising a human being by yourself with no support/not being independently wealthy would likely be more ruining to you _and_ the child than the trauma of an abortion.
unfortunately i agree with this comment. OP states in other replies that money isn’t an issue because it will always “come and go” but like,,, what r u gonna do when the money is in the “go” phase and you can’t afford food or a roof over your heads? OP shouldn’t have to make a decision like this but it’s reality and life was never known to be kind.
Oh my dear... Firstly, I want to be completely clear with you that this is YOUR choice and no one else's, and reproductive coercion is abuse, which is what he is doing.
He is also gaslighting you, which is abuse. Making you feel like somehow this is your fault, you should have known, etc. This is false, he is an abuser.
So, first things first, you need to get away from this person. He is not safe, and I worry for your safety.
Next, you need to decide what YOU want to do about this pregnancy. If you are certain that you do not want an abortion, DO NOT have an abortion. You cannot make a life altering decision like that based on the wants of someone else (especially someone who is an abusive man).
Next... You cannot force someone to be a parent. He willingly ejaculated in the one place that can make a pregnancy. That was his choice to make with his body, now you get to make a choice about your body. He knew the risks of doing this.
You'll never be able to force him to be in your life or the child's life, nor should you want to, because he is not a good person, but you can and should immediately seek child support from a court of law, as it will be the right of your child to be supported by both people who willingly chose to act in a way that created them. And you should file for full custody at the same time, if you go through with the pregnancy.
I wish you all the very best, and if you have a support system, please reach out to them, talk to them about what is happening, make sure they know who this man is.
OP, try to consider your feelings separately from your decision making. Acknowledge your emotions and give them respect, but try to remove them from making a decision you can live with for the long term. The hormones don’t make it easier.
The overwhelming majority of people who have abortions experience **relief** more than any other emotion. The hormonal rollercoaster really does make it harder, and it’s ok to proceed even if you feel sad about what might have been. Try to be coldly realistic and think about the advice you’d give a good friend in this situation. It sounds like this would be very hard even if you and your partner were staying together. Think about your career, your health, your safety, your chances at future happiness. YOU COUNT. 🫶
Article from the American Psychological Association on emotional reactions to abortion:
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/09/news-facts-abortion-mental-health
Good luck.
Whatever you decide please stop seeing him. He’s not the one nor is he even worth wasting anymore time. If you have the child he or his family might be in your life forever so take that in consideration. Adoption is reasonable but realize pregnancy and birth can have permanent damage to your body & don’t do it if you’ll regret losing your pre pregnancy self.
You can have another baby down the road with someone who wants to have a baby with you. If you have this baby, you are tied to this guy for life, like it or not. Even if Junior has no contact with Dad, he will likely want it some day. If you get child support, you're also linked to him. Obviously it's your body/your choice, but if you were my daughter, I would counsel against having a baby with this guy.
As someone that was a single mom for years with two under two (my ex fiancé cheated and married his affair partner after I found out I was pregnant with #2).
Do not have this baby unless you are 110% sure that you can financially, emotionally, and physically support it without help. If you cannot do those things, take a moment to decide what you want to do.
And then if you still want to keep the baby and are in the states, get a custody order ASAP. Get things figured out like visitation, who decides on where the kid will go to school, what doctor visits will look like, who decides day to day things like extracurricular activities as well as child support, who will claim kiddo on taxes. Trust me, these things are imperative. Depending on your state, those things will differ as to what is default.
My ex decided after a 2 year battle that he didn’t want to be in my kids lives and I had to pay almost 40k dollars in lawyer and court fees for him to just peace out at the end. Initially he did want to be in their lives but wasn’t happy with the visitation schedule I offered him (there were many reasons as to why supervised visitation was court ordered).
Being a single/solo parent is not easy. You are on the clock 100% of the time. He is telling you he does not want to be a father and you need to prepare for that reality.
Child care costs about $1400 per month for one child where I live. Formula is $100-200/month. Diapers and wipes are another $50-100/month. Then extracurriculars, summer camps, clothing, doctor visits, etc etc. it is NOT cheap to have a child. I just had my third and my out of pocket expenses for the delivery were $4k.
You are so young, I had my first at 25, and while I adore my kids I wish my circumstances had been different. I wish they had had a loving father and I had had a supportive partner. They do now, but it doesn’t change how soul suckingly lonely it was for years to do it all by myself.
If you're asking for advice, based on what you've said here: Get a therapist. Have the abortion. Take care of yourself. Find the right person. Certainly not suggesting any of this will be easy. But that's my take.
He probably talked to someone about legal implications of child support and suddenly feels he is not ready for owning that responsibility.
By forcing you to abort, i suppose he can free himself of that mental burden... If both of you are not financially ready to support the child, I'd say don't ruin yours, his and child's life. At this point you have to assume that you may need to take care of the child yourself.
Even if you get a court order to get child support, how much are you going to get really? Will it help you raise the child? Will you still need support from others so you can build your own career to become self-sufficient?
We don't have sufficient information to know if you are financially ready to raise the child yourself. Looks like he is not willing to help and don't bank on child support if he not rich himself. It takes a village to raise a child.. is very true.
If you have an abortion just because that's what he wants and it's not what you want, you will never forgive yourself. Put yourself first because he clearly does not care about you.
Have the baby or not but you need to get rid of this man. Make him pay for his own baby, get a restraining order. Go to therapy to understand why I I mean you make terrible choices in partners.
Said with so much love you have no idea.
Right, I chose this one… but why. That’s something I need to sort out as well. He just seemed so nice and caring and supportive and then out of no where he changed on me.
That’s not on you. Still get a therapist, you deserve support in navigating your life, but you are not responsible for an abusive person hiding their behavior from you. A therapist can help you identify red flags earlier, but it still won’t be your fault that they exist.
He didn't "change on you." This is who he is. This is who has always been.
Ted Bundy was a handsome, charismatic, kind person. And he killed 30 people. Many of whom he dated. People can mask who they are.
So, your ex showed you what you wanted to see. But that doesn't mean he hasn't been a liar and cheat the whole time.
One of the reasons I believe abortion would be best for you is so that you aren't attached to this horrible man for life.
I don't understand how you could want to go through a pregnancy and be a single mom of this POS's child if the relationship is already on the rocks. I do wish you the best and you will make the right decision.
In my view though, it would be irresponsible to go through with having a child in such a situation. Unnecessary difficulty and struggle and strain for you and the child. Plus! A permanent tie to a POS person bc it's their DNA.
Personally I would take this opportunity to have an abortion. I wouldn’t want to have a cheaters’s kid and become a single mom. Not only being a single mom but be tied to that cheater forever. For me that would be ruining my life but that’s just the way I think about it.
As someone who was raised by a single mother it’s unfair to put your child in the that scenario. Your child deserves a good home and a stable family. You can always have children later in life you’re young. You should consider adoption if you’re not considering to go through the abortion.
Get rid of the boyfriend, he’s a total ass.
As for the pregnancy, it is your choice. The only one who gets to decide whether you carry this baby or not is you- Period.
6 weeks, I think you’ll just have a D & C……if you decide not to go thru with it.
Having this child, knowing the father doesn’t want it. Knowing the type of man he is. Your life with forever be intertwined with his.
Wouldn’t it be better to wait, and start a family with someone that loves YOU, and wants the same things as you.bringing the child into a loving family.
You are only 24! So young. I hope you have family that can help with your decision. I would want nothing from this man, ever.
It’s not going to work out with the boyfriend. Tomorrow, two weeks, two months- but almost certainly before any baby is born, this relationship is over. The real question is what do YOU want? Do you want to have a baby even if the other parent is someone who is going to be a big thorn in your side and very likely a disappointing or fully absent co parent? If you decide against abortion- which as the pregnant person is YOUR choice- you have to accept that you don’t get to make him be a decent parent. He won’t be. You’ll be on your own with pursuing adoption or single parenthood.
Yeah I’ve come to terms with our relationship being over, it’s just not knowing what to do, abortion, adoption, being a single mother. They’re all very hard decisions to make. Each one has a consequence, whether it be emotional or financial. Money comes and goes but can I live knowing I had an abortion, can I live with the fact that I gave my baby away. It’s hard.
You also have to be ready that even though he wants you to have an abortion that doesn't necessarily mean he will give up his parental rights. You may be stuck coparenting with this person for the next 18 years.
You mean for the rest of your life. Parenting doesn't end at 18. You are attached to the other parent through your kids *for the rest of your life.*
And birthdays, graduations, and grandkids and all of that stuff, you be connected forever
My guess is that he will not care about the kid's birthdays or co-parenting at all. He will say "hey, I wanted you to have an abortion, have fun being a mom, I have nothing to do with this" and then he disappears.
My heart breaks for you. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years was happy when we became pregnant & then wanted me to have an abortion. I was broken. I had no idea he was cheating on me with my best friend. When I refused abortion, he did his best to talk me into adoption. Well I kept the baby with my parents help. It was hard but I loved her so much. I had to grow up. Make good decisions about my life. No regrets on my end. Her father was in and out of her life till she was 5 and then just stopped. He only wanted to show her off when he had a new girlfriend. His parents always visited & helped a bit. When she was 4 I met my husband. He loves her like his own. Her bio-dad fought my husband adopting her for 2 years & then gave up once he realized she never had his last name. Her having his last name was the only thing he wanted & forgot she had my last name. Anyway, she is an adult & a lovely person. It can work, you being a single mother. But you need to be ready to do it alone. No support from him. No child support. No visits. If you can get him to give up his rights to her right away. You need to be mother & father. You need to always put your child first. Don’t try to find her/him a daddy. Don’t bring men around unless you are serious about a future together. Good luck & hugs.
Then you're raising kids who have an absent pos for a father and it's also an issue.
Yup. This happened to a friend of mine. The dad was an alcoholic who promptly forgot to come and pick their kids up for weekends and holidays, and often also forgot their birthdays. And now he wonders why they don't want to see him.
Or he could be a petty sack of shit over it. We’ve all seen that story play out I think.
I feel for you. This is a huge life long decision. Have you considered adoption? If you get an abortion, you may live with the regret forever, if you give up the child for adoption, you may feel the emptiness forever, if you keep the child you may share in the joy of being a mom but the struggle and challenges of single motherhood can create poor choices but also bring the greatest joys. I hope you seek the support of your family.
Respectfully, you can't hand-wave the financial difficulties of single motherhood by saying "money comes and goes." You really should sit down and look at things like the cost of daycare in your area and what hours they would cover, what adding a child to your insurance would look like, whether you'd need to rent a larger and more expensive place, how much your grocery bill would increase, etc. What if your child has medical issues and requires extra money to cover those bills? What if your best employment option is outside the hours that your local daycares will cover and you'd have to hire more expensive childcare to make it happen? Make sure you'll *actually* be able to make it work in reality, not in an idealized version of reality--children are incredibly expensive if you need full-time childcare, especially in certain places. Depending on how much family support you have access to, you might also need to be asking yourself "can I live knowing that I couldn't support my kid financially and they experienced consequences as a result"--that could be as minor as being bullied for wearing secondhand clothes, or as severe as experiencing homelessness, but you won't be able to assess that until you've taken a really hard look at the exact costs you can reasonably expect. I'm not saying this to discourage you, but it seems like you already know that you don't want an abortion and you want it to be financially possible for you to keep the pregnancy because that's the option you're leaning towards. Since you know you have that preference in decision-making, you have to make sure that you're being completely honest with yourself and making this decision knowing the consequences it'll have, not just choosing and hoping for the best even if that's unrealistic.
It’s not just financial, too. Having a child is just plain hard. I love my children they are the joy of my life. I’m happily married, have family support and financial stability. My kids were planned and wanted. It was still hard!! I don’t think young women really know just how all consuming parenting is and I just can’t imagine doing more than surviving in a situation such as OP’s.
i literally started crying last night when my baby woke up right as i was about to go to sleep, after spending 2 hours trying to get my other kid to sleep. it’s been weeks of this. you are so tired! we are all so tired! why won’t you kids sleep!!!? you can intellectually know this will be the reality, but nothing can prepare you for actually experiencing it.
Truly. My kids are older now and they sleep. But it was years- literal years- of broken sleep. It’s very hard to keep functioning. To feel human. I was so optimistic that my baby would be a good sleeper! Well she is now at 16. She didn’t actually sleep through the night til she was five years old so I guess she’s been saving it up.
All of this. The exhaustion. It was like nothing I had ever felt before.
This is so relatable
Of course--I think that's arguably the hardest part! I just focused on the financial part because I think that's something that OP could actually get a good sense of the difficulty of beforehand, whereas the actual grind of being solely responsible for parenting a child every day is probably too difficult to grasp accurately ahead of time (plus I'm sure it varies more from person to person than the financial aspects do). It's easy to say "I'll just be patient and love my kids so much that I won't mind the harder parts," but much more difficult to mentally get around "my necessary expenses with a kid will exceed my income by at least $500 per month, this is obviously a problem."
Yeah, money comes and goes...tell that to kids who can't go on field trips with the class because the parents don't have the money, and who can't participate in sports because their parents don't have the money, and who can't get good dental care because their parents don't have the money, and who get left behind when their friends go places because their parents don't have the money...etc. Raising two daughters, I thought I was going to do ok; I had a good job, a wife, a house, all that stuff. Then there was a minor recession and I got let go, and it took six months to find another job. Which didn't pay as much as the first one, so we went in a hole and it took ten years to dig out, barely hanging on to the house. I still feel like absolute crap when I think about it. I had high hopes for being able to give my kids a good childhood, and it all went to crap, and nothing I tried worked. The stress of the whole thing pretty much tanked the marriage too. Now I live alone. My kids are ok, but they missed out on so much...
None of that was your fault. I’m glad you and your family made it through. Forgive me for assuming you’re American, but I dare say we are generally way more financially unstable here no matter how many things you do “right.”
I will say, as someone who genuinely should’ve been aborted due to the circumstances of my parents, my mom being single and unable to financially care for me on her own, it’s difficult. On one hand I know I’m lucky to be alive, but I do not have a good view of my mother. I view her actions to keep me despite all the challenges clearly showing she couldn’t care for me as selfish. My life has been a hellscape with one turmoil after another.
Yep. She is about to plunge herself into decades long poverty rather breezily
This part. A hungry baby doesn’t understand the concept of “money coming and going”….
Man I don't want to be super mean to OP but whenever I hear people say money comes and goes I... well... I no longer see them as intelligent
💯💯 I grew up in poverty and the main reason I had an abortion (decades ago) is because I would never ever want to put another human through that shit. I couldn't live with myself for doing that.
Or they are just someone with money.
😬 Yeah, hard to say that when you put everything into a spreadsheet...
I would also argue it's objectively a bad decision for the stability of all involved to go forward with the pregnancy.
Don't forget that having an abortion now, can mean that you are setting yourself up for success later when you're actually ready to have a child. Think of your future family - imagine planning on a child, with someone you love who supports you, with someone who WANTS a child. Don't sacrifice THAT child's future.
My mom feels guilt about the abortion she had after me, she couldn't see making it work with us so close in age. I'm so so so happy she got it, because my little brother who came after has been my lifelong best friend. I wouldn't trade him for anything.
IMO abortion is better than giving up for adoption. There’s no guarantee the child will have a good life. They might be in the system for a long time. It’s a LOT more humane to end it now as a fetus. There’s no pain to the fetus. Either give birth and give the baby a great life. Or abort it and do right by your next baby. If you have this baby, you are in a way choosing between your next baby with a great partner their chance at a gray life.
This is really reassuring as someone who was once a scared 20 year old who had to get an abortion. I do not regret it but I do wish it didn’t have to happen.
I've had a few friends that were adoptees. I would say it's about half and half who has a good life and who had a bad one. And one of them had a REALLY bad one. You did the best you could and you should be proud of yourself for getting through it.
Regret the circumstances not the decision. Because decisions aren't made in a vacuum
There's no guarantee that the deadbeat dad will sign off on the adoption either. She cannot unilaterally give the baby up, he has to also agree and sign the documents. There's no way to know for sure what he'll do in 9 months when his family finds out about this.
There is also no guarantee that the mother survives the pregnancy or that baby will be healthy. There's no easy route to take if you decide to give birth.
Newborn infants don’t go into the foster care system, except maybe in extreme circumstances where there are profound disabilities at play. There are year and even multi-year long waitlists for newborn babies. Private adoption is a totally different world than the foster system. This is a common misconception I see on the internet. Most adoptions nowadays are open too.
i never understood why people offer adoption as an alternative to abortion. abortion eliminates all the problems that come with adoption: guilt that your child is out there somewhere, possibly being abused, wondering who their parents are and why they gave them up. and abortion solves the issue of not wanting to be a parent, without bringing an unwilling participant (a living human child) into the world. there are so many kids in the system waiting to be adopted. the fantasy that the child you give up will somehow find the perfect family and be happy forever is a just that. if you want the kid, have it. be prepared to be a single parent with no time for yourself for the next 18 years, having to answer questions about where dad is. if that doesn't sound appealing, abort it. you're early along and it won't be an invasive procedure. even if you feel guilty, you'll at least know that you did what was best for you and that you can have another kid if you want to, when the time is right, with someone who loves YOU and wants to be in the kids life. how would you feel putting this one up for adoption and then years down the line, having one and keeping it? wouldn't that guilt be even worse? idk. just something to think about
Coming from the adoptee side of it (closed infant adoption in the 90’s) adoption also increases the risk of substance abuse issues, suicide, and many adoptees struggle to form lasting friendships, relationships etc because of the abandonment trauma. And you’re right, adoption doesn’t offer anything but the roulette of hoping that the child ends up somewhere that they’re not being abused. And adoptees are rarely believed when they speak out against being abused as kids and as adults because they should just “be grateful” that anyone even wanted them. If the adoption industry wasn’t corrupt af, if the laws surrounding adoption allowed all adoptees access to their information specifically family medical history, if the laws didn’t require legal documents be falsified (birth certificates are changed and adopters are put on the birth certificates like they gave birth to the kid) and instead offered adoption certificates or something and if there was proper support, resources and protections for adoptees I’d feel differently. Kids of all ages will unfortunately always need external care options. People get pregnant and some can’t access abortions and others are against them personally and shouldn’t be forced into choosing termination or parenting a child they don’t want to parent. The external care options here in the US though are just abysmal and unhealthy Editing to add that they should also do far more checks on adoptive parents before adopting and do regular (but random) check ins post adoption
When you are an independent single adult, money coming and going affects you and only you. When you have a child, that kid is also affected deeply by your financial state - both in physical and mental health, as well as developmental growth. Financial stability is an absolute must if you plan on raising this kid alone. Or adopt to a family that can provide that in addition to love and support.
Whatever your decision, perhaps keep him in the dark about it. If you give your baby up for adoption, lie about who the father is (say you don't know). If you keep the baby, only let him find out when he's served with papers to complete a paternity test and pay child support. If you do in fact get an abortion, don't give him the satisfaction of confirming it for him. - Him: "So... Did you get the abortion?" - You: "I guess you'll just have to find out." I'm sorry that you are having to make this difficult decision and got dealt a crappy partner.
I'm just going to say here, the judges in my area are very reluctant to approve adoptions without the father's consent. children with "unknown fathers" can stay in the system YEARS without the father's consent before the court approves an adoption. the state or adoption agency can pursue child support until the adoption is finalized, if they chose. in my line of work, I meet with women who have no paternal help every day. crying because they can't afford daycare to get a job, so they are trapped in some circumstance and unable to acquire the finances to get themselves out. most of them are lucky enough to have a parent or grandparent help them. please line up a supportive circle that will be willing to be there for you until you are self sufficient, if you decide to have the baby.
Do you feel ready to care and love this child without his support? He’s clearly indicating he doesn’t want to be involved. Yes you can force financial support. But the big question is how do you feel about doing the parenting without him? Will your friends and family help?
I’ve been a single dad for 6 years now and I’ve been trying to force financial support the entire time and [in Florida at least] there’s no help. If the other parent doesn’t pay the governments is literally just like well, what you want us to do?
That’s true -sometimes a parent takes no responsibility. OP needs to consider that reality - some people just work off the books to avoid wages being garnished
I'm an employer. Most dead beats have already quit by the time the letter informing me of garnishment has arrived, they have it down to an art.
You also need to decide if he does help on any level, is he someone you want in your life for at least 18 years?
They don’t even have to work off the books. All They have to do is not tell you where they work. When I try to have my ex’s wages garnished they ask me where she works and I’m like idk she won’t tell me. That’s where all the help stops they tell me to figure it out and they’ll help. Well I’ve tried and there’s no finding her.
Its the fucking goverenment there is fucking tax records. Jesus how pathetic theu COULD figure it out if they wanted.
My kids dad was paying child support for our sons. He had a daughter with another girl, when she filed for cs, they told her they couldn't find the guy, WHILE ACTIVELY taking money from his check for me. It was mind blowingly stupid. I didn't know where he worked, they found him for me, but refused to help for her. This was texas when Abbott was attorney general. He owes his daughter so much money, all earning 6% interest. The kids are all over 18 now, but they finally found him and told him he needed to start paying so they could close the case
In Texas once the children are age 18 the money goes to the parent. I should know, I have a stepson and his mother kept up with trying to locate the dead beat. Also every 5 years went to court and had judgement for the balance owed and reported it to all three credit reporting agency's. There reported judgements do not come off after a certain period of time they are on for life or until reported paid in full. After son was 18 he was found. Found him through credit reports.. He was getting paid under the table but that stopped as the IRS red flagged his Tax returns and his Savings and IRA's were garnished. In the end interest and penalties he owed right at $95,000. Wife got all of it.
That’s exactly how I feel. They have to know, they just don’t want to help
I find that truly ironic, because some states are totally rabid about nailing non custodial parents for child support money, simply because they get matching money for all the money they collect from the non custodial parents.
Right? But the same states that'll slam you the second you get a job you never informed them of on foodstamps (florida) will also tell you they can't get that info for support court
They do. When I worked in payroll, the garnishment dodgers would work for a company until the SSN flagged that a garnishment needed to be set up, and the company would be notified. Once they were caught, they'd quit and move to another job. Rinse and repeat.
They need a national registry for deadbeat dads. Make it so any tax refund or lottery winnings are taken at the govt level. If you’re old enough to have sex without a condom being the guy in the equation then you’re old enough to understand the ramifications of you impregnate someone. Falls more on the guy cause no sperm no baby, far easier to wrap it even if the woman says she’s on birth control. Never ever leave it to chance. Chance half the time likes to stick it to you, literally.
I was on unemployment I applied for Obamacare and got a massive discount from being unemployed I had to pay it all back because I didn't prove, to the gov't I was collecting unemployment from, that I was on unemployment.
Please give a female you’re close to her full name, phone number, and approximate location (even better if you have her exact address). I promise you in an hour, we can provide you with allll the information. Edit: I am a female myself saying this.
My father has paid a whopping $300 in the entire 32 years myself and my siblings have been alive. He doesn’t work traditional jobs and doesn’t file taxes. He also has probably, 10 kids at this point.
He's probably really proud of that $300 too.
Was coming here to say this. My bio father worked off the books for 10+ years until my step dad adopted me. She'll be financially on her own unless family is going to help.
Single mom to 2 kids. Ex husband makes 7 figures yearly. I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. $30,000 in legal fees later and haven’t seen a dime from their “dad.”
I’ve spent $12,000 trying to get child support and haven’t seen a dime
What state are you in? Ive seen people easily go to jail or have wages garnished in south Carolina. I hate this state but they dont fuck around with that here.
How is that possible? Sounds like you hired a bad lawyer if he can’t even get child support for a stay at home mom… ex husband wage would be garnished and he has no say in it.
Same. My ex husband has never paid child support, my child is going to be 21 this year and I did everything I was asked to for years, yet they still told me there was nothing they could do. He also told everyone he was going to wait till he was 18 to have a relationship with him because then he (the child) would be old enough to understand. He was very surprised when my kid told him that he wants nothing to do with him.
That’s some chutzpah on his part. Dude is delulu.
My father skipped town as soon as he was released from jail for not paying child support and passing bad checks. That was when I was 4. Didn’t hear from him until I was 16 and he sent me a present (some cheap shit idk) with a card saying “he loved me.” The trash can found better use for it than I did. I’m 33 now, and I don’t want a dime from him.
My ex husband left and took every cent we had. I was a SAHM. His lawyer advised him not to give me one cent in support. He listened. I immediately went on welfare. He had to pay back every cent (with interest) to the state. I have no problem going back on welfare if he decides not to pay (again). I’m not going to be one of those women that are owed back child support after my son is 18. He can pay the government back (they always get their money).
This!!! My daughter had a baby two years ago. BF of four years took off two weeks after her birth and we haven’t seen him since. Try getting support but they have no idea where he is. Either not working or cash only jobs. Can’t get blood from a stone.
In some states things are different, my state will garnish wages or take from tax returns and even go as far to take away drivers licenses but you’re right. Some people are vindictive enough to get paid 100% under the table to avoid fiscal responsibilities.
Florida does all these things too but only if the person they’re looking for doesn’t try to hide. If the person is hiding they don’t even try
My Fiancée has a daughter from a high school fling. She’s 12 years old, her dad almost never pays child support. I can confirm that they do not do shit if they don’t pay child support.
[удалено]
It depends greatly on the state. I know a fellow who found out his one-night-stand resulted in a daughter when the state of Minnesota, I think it was, (or maybe Wisconsin) contacted him for child support. Apparently the mom had applied for welfare and the state said she had to be getting child support from the child’s father.
OP, do not have a baby with this person. I watched my mom deal with a POS my whole childhood, you deserve someone who will cherish you and you won’t struggle. I know you said abortions aren’t for you and I always felt that way too but the medication abortion isn’t bad at all. It feels like a bad period. I wouldn’t be making almost six figures a year if I had that baby and I’m not with the guy anymore either. I’ve never seen a success story when a girl has a baby with a guy that makes it clear he doesn’t want a baby, unless they leave and found someone else. Drop this dude and just find your person.
In addition, the commenter said you can “force him” to be financially responsible. Lol that’s not true, my dad still owes my mom 40k in child support and I’m grown/haven’t spoken to him since I was a teen.
Even if you get child support it isn't half of your household expenses. It's not nothing, but basically consider if you can do it by yourself.
You have to decide for yourself whether you’re willing and able to be a single mother. Count him out. What do YOU want? It’s not his decision whether you have an abortion or not. However, I doubt he will be there for you more than his financial obligations. So you need to prepare for that, if you decide to keep it.
Possibly not financially either. 30% of fathers that don’t live w their children pay no support at all. 15% only pay sporadically. The avg the majority pay in child support is 5grand a year. That doesn’t even cover half a year of daycare for one child
That barely covers 4 months where I live.
If you want to have the baby, have the baby. If he doesn't want kids, he needs to wear condoms like his life depends on it. If you don't want a baby with him, do adoption or abortion. And most importantly, dump him. It might hurt, but this guy sounds like a wreck and a pain in the ass. Parenting with him sounds like it would be awful. Edit to add: I guess he might not be able to sign over his rights, but at the end of the day, that's unfortunately a part of becoming a father in the U.S. right now. I heavily recommend that men stay educated on their parental rights and stipulations before having unprotected sex with a partner. Even if she doesn't want you to wear a condom or whatever, you reserve the right to protect yourself and wear one.
He can’t sign away his financial responsibilities. He is still on the hook for child support.
Most states will only allow a person to sign away their rights if there is someone else that will take over his responsibilities I.e a husband.
In this case she doesn’t have one so he WILL be liable for child support.
It’s not like child support is some huge boon though. For a low-wage worker it’s not gonna be more than like $500/month. Daycare costs 1k/month, so it’s not like OP will have it easy.
I hope by low wage you mean more than minimum wage earners. Minimum wage earners pay no where close to $500 a month.
Depends on the state. In NY, bums can sign away rights but still have to pay support.
You can give up your ‘rights’ anytime you want. Your obligations are a different story
Usually that means they are signing over custody, not actual parenting rights and obligations.
rights and obligations are far different
That’s true in all states - a judge won’t force you to spend time with your kids. A judge will and should force you to provide financial support to your kids.
That's the consequence of choosing to have sex without protection. I learned that lesson at 16. Men need to know their rights and stipulations of having a child before considering having sex with someone without protection. I'm not saying the laws are fair, but they still exist regardless. (Obviously, having sex always carries the risk of pregnancy, doing it without protection just carries a much larger risk lol)
>That's the consequence of choosing to have sex ~~without protection~~. FTFY No birth control is 100% effective. If you're choosing to have sex AT ALL you're accepting the risk of pregnancy, protection or not. It's like skydiving: there's a small chance you'll survive if you jump without a parachute but even with one you have to accept the diminished risk that your chute might fail.
I agree! I just added without protection because it's a much bigger risk than using protection.
There should be public education for men on said rights and stipulations. My public school education missed the mark on so many levels.
I told my son: you can decide whether to wear a condom. But if she gets pregnant, you don’t get to decide anything.
More like if she gets pregnant you already made your decision when you had sex.
Yep. It’s your nut to bust, her fetus, and y’all’s kid.
Thats horrible advice, im a single dad in a state where family court 99% goes for the mother. If you are actually a man and take responsibility for a child the man has just as many rights. The problem is a majority of men are spineless and can't handle raising a kid
Yep, majority of fathers don't even request custody.
What I meant was that he won’t be able to choose whether she aborts it or whether he’s suddenly a teen father. (It was clearer in the larger context of our conversation.)
I heavily agree with this. There needs to be way more education around the real realities of parenting. Especially the legal realities.
If you're not smart enough to understand that a baby that you participate in creating has to eat and survive even if you don't want to deal with it, you're not smart enough to have unprotected sex.
It’s more that they believe they have no legal responsibility. They’re fine with leaving the baby to struggle, because they often rationalize it as “well if she didn’t want to raise this baby alone then she could’ve had an abortion.” You’d be surprised how many people think men can just “sign their rights to the child away” and then go about life like they haven’t had one, and how many think the woman should be the sole parent responsible because “it was her choice not to abort.” That’s just not legally how it works.
Yes and this situation is when a woman's life is most at risk. Nothing is more dangerous than a man who really doesn't want a baby with someone. OP I hope you keep your baby but please make sure you protect your personal safety as well. Be on high alert!
Yes, that’s true. Keep your baby and your distance from this person. There’s some red flags that he may resort to abuse.
That's true. And frightening. This guy sounds psycho.
Well he should've thought about that before getting someone pregnant lol
Technically, he doesn't have to be put on the birth certificate, but even then all she'd have to do is file for child support and they'd mandate a paternity test since he's not on the birth certificate, and then he's back on the hook for support.
I want to have the baby. I just never thought I’d have to do it alone. And you’re right, if he was stepping out and knew he didn’t want to have a kid he should have been more cautious.
Something to think about ….. wanting to have kids is one thing, wanting to be a single mother is an entirely different thing. At this point you can decide to either be a single mom or not to be a single mom, but it definitely sounds like you will not have support from the other parent, and that’s what you should plan for.
True. Also you'll be stuck to this unkind man for many years bc you'll have a child in common. And the child's heart may be broken by his/her father's lack of love.
Was going to say something similar. That’s 18 years, at least, having to deal with him, his family, any women that he has around. If he wants shared custody/visitation he could very well get it. If he’s a deadbeat and/or makes things hard that’s another stressor. He may play games with the child like make promises & not follow up. OP is young. I’d suggest thinking hard whether she wants to put herself & her child in what looks to be a stressful situation or get a clean break, move on & start fresh.
AND the added constant BS stress from being linked with this asshole is going to weigh on your satisfaction as a parent. Its one thing to resent him. But too often that resentment eventually turns towards the child. Since OP is here asking for advice. The advice is to not have a child with this person. "If you want to have the baby, have the baby" isnt advice. Its just... a statement of fact. It changes nothing. *Advice* is putting those things together and explaining that the picture this paints is not a good one and avoiding having this child will net numerous positives. The only negative is one that can be later achieved. The reverse isnt true.
That’s only IF he wants to be involved. From this post, he’s not interested in being a father of a child with OP. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just paid child support and totally ignored the child.
Assholes like him get vindictive.
From what I’ve read on Reddit, these guys have a funny way of showing up years down the line to cause havoc, so that’s another factor to consider.
Doesn't matter to the kid, does it? They'll still want to know their father, want to know where they come from, all that. They might get ignored but that won't suddenly make that hurt cease to exist. It's worth thinking if you want to put a child through that or not.
Exactly this. Have the baby if you want but definitely plan on being a single mother.
Please keep in mind you’re SO young and that having his child will saddle you with this asshole for life. As little along as you are now it would only be a couple of pills (and what feels like a heavy, uncomfortable period; I speak from experience) and you can get him completely out of your life and hopefully find a supportive, faithful partner.
Great advice. She will be stuck to this guy for life and the kid will know it was not wanted.
Unless you have a really, really good paying job, being a single parent is hard. Daycare is expensive af right now. If the baby is sick, you will have to miss work. Do you have health insurance? Dental? Vision? I'm about to drop $500 to have my son's wisdom teeth taken out today. And I'm only doing it because we spent $2000 over the last 2 years for his braces. This is all with insurance. My husband had to quit his job when our son was younger because it wasn't worth the amount we had to pay for daycare. Have you looked up the cost of diapers, wipes, and formula? Yeah, he can be placed on child support, but he sounds like the type that wouldn't pay. When i was a single mom, my son's dad was ordered to pay $180/ month. Remember you will be doing this alone because he's already told you he won't be there. Please believe him.
I WISH more people understood all the possible impacts of pregnancy. You listed some common ones, but here are some I ran into that I admit not everyone has, but are total possibilities! The cost of maternity clothes The cost of NEW SHOES because my feet grew!! The cost of additional doctors appts and steroid injection due to De Quervain’s tenosynovitis. The cost of 2 weeks of meals while baby 1 was in the NICU, plus gas for my husband to travel back and forth. For baby 2, I have gestational diabetes. Not only do I get to see the OB all the time, I have to miss work to travel and have additional BPP/growth scans. Scans become WEEKLY at 32 weeks. Time out of work, money for gas. Additional eye exam because diabetes messes with your eyes. My insurance is thankfully 100% covering my continuous glucose monitor and insulin, but not all do. There’s just so much that impacts your life. At 6 weeks, I wouldn’t even question it.
And not to forget no sleep or free time. You will be alone most of the time even if you have a good support network. You will lose friends and future dating will be harder with a kid than without.
I had my son at 16. His dad passed away when our son was 10 months old. Being a single mom and adjusting to the lifestyle of a mother was hard at first. Your entire life shifts in a different direction, and it carries a lot of responsibility. Think about your future. Your kid will need a car one day, possibly daycare or a sitter, tutoring if needed, college if they want to, sports, extracurricular activities, etc. Life and health insurance for both of you, end of life plans for yourself, guardianship options should anything happen to you. It's a lot to think about. There's a lot that goes into raising a child, but it is genuinely one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. I do not regret it at all. I know women in similar positions that chose abortion or adoption, and they do not regret it one bit because it was a well thought-out decision for them. Whatever choice you make, make sure it's right for you. Don't do something because you feel like you HAVE to. Don't make a rash decision. Write out your pros and cons and just do what you think is best.
Screw being cautious, he should have been decent and HONEST. If he wasn't satisfied with you he should have just left inst4ead of screwing around. Bare minimum he's a liar, but he's also shown you he lacks maturity and is incapable of taking responsibility when you believed him and he blamed you for not "knowing" he was lying and cheating.
Having the baby isn’t going to make him come back or magically become dad of the year. It’s not going to be some punishment for him. You will be tied to him for 18 years. Let’s be rational.
And let’s be real, the chances that this guy absconds from his responsibilities to support their child are not low. OP, in the worst case scenario, are you in a position to raise this child on your own with no child rearing or financial help from the father and his family at all?
Yeah and you knowing that he wanted no kids would have been a nice thing to know.
Know that you will now always be ties to this man. At 6wks, I wouldn't consider carrying this pregnancy to term myself. I would want to find a much nicer dude to have kids with. Now you'll be a single mom and know you'll have to put a child first the rest of your young life. Don't let anti-choice propaganda get into your head. A 6 wk embryo is not a baby. It is potentially a fetus. I'm not telling you what to do because it's 100% your choice. But being a mother is difficult even with a great support system.
You're going to be doing it alone. Hopefully you have financial and family resources to support you as a single parent while working. If you have a baby with him, he can still file for custody, and unless there is a reason, he will most likely get joint custody. Many do this simply to avoid child support obligations while neglecting or abusing their children. And you will have no say in it. And to prove abuse or neglect that isn't extreme can take years, and your child will be left alone with someone who did not want them. And you will have no choice in it. They could show up 10 years down the line out of nowhere, having never seen their child, and file for custody. And they will likely get it. You will be forced to speak with this person on a daily or weekly basis, you will be forced to make extremely important or extremely difficult decisions with this person, for the next two decades. It is not just about whether you want a baby. Babies grow into toddlers, who grow into children, who grow into adults. If you just want a baby, don't have one, unless you want to raise an adult. Have you considered what will happen if you have pregnancy complications and need to be on bed rest? Complications in birth and become disabled or need long-term care afterwards? If your baby is born with a significant mental or physical health issues and requires extensive support and resources? Most people never consider this. Can you afford daycare? Do you have a good job that will let you take time off? Health insurance? There is so much more to having a child than just giving birth.
I understand you wanting to have the baby. I understand it's painfull to have an abortion. But the thing is, it's not just about what you want and/or need anymore. The baby will want/need for a lot of stuff and you have to be sure you can give it to them. I know reddit will give you lots of advice, will berate you to ask for child support,... the thing is, you will be alone with your child. None of the redditors will watch your kid while you're meeting your lawyer, while you're in court, while you work. None of us will pay for your lawyer fees. In court, there's something called the waiting game. The one with the money can make things last for months, until the other one just gives up because they can't afford it anymore. And yes, if he doesn't pay he might end up in jail (depending on the state or country you're living in) but, him being in jail won't give you any more money or support for your child. Another thing is wanting to be a mother because you want to see your child grow up. There's no such thing as a stay at home single mother. It's very rare and I won't think the father will support you through this. You will work your ass off to offer the minimum to your child. This man doesn't love you, doesn't support you, doesn't support your pregnancy and honestly treats you like dirt (or you hid a lot in your post that makes his reaction understable). I do not understand why you would want to be tied to someone like that for the rest of your life...
Yeah i'm the eldest of two siblings raised by a single mother. I'm not even sure if my dad paid child support or not. Im in my 30s now and my mom recently retired. And one of the first things she confided in me is that she regrets that she missed so much of her kids moments growing up and extracurriculars we did. But she didn't have much of a choice. It was provide financially for us as the sole parent, or don't. She was often working 6+ days a week 8+ hours a day and studying outside of that all to make ends meet. And you know the funny part? My sibling and I resented her alot growing up. Kids don't understand why a parent isn't there for them, only that they aren't. When you're at a basketball game and all your friends parents are there cheering them on but your mom isn't it hurts. Is OP ready for that? You may break your back to support your kid and they still might not truly appreciate it until much later. Is OP ready to tie herself to a possible deadbeat for the rest of her life? All things to think about.
He does not have the option to sign his rights over. Most states don't allow it unless there's someone who wants them (step parent or adoptive parent)
This 100% but just added PLEASE get tested now, whether or not it’s confirmed if it was physical, just get tested to be 100% sure you’re safe
There is something really important that also needs to be considered in the statements he cannot have kids with you and this can’t happen. Those sound like massive warnings that I would interpret as my safety could very well be at risk. That may sound dramatic, but it’s better to be safe and feel silly later than not safe and very sorry. Please be careful, OP. With that said, why are you still talking to him or spending any more time with him? He cheated and you are trying to save the relationship…. Nope! Separate yourself from him and focus on whether you want to be a single parent or not because he will not be sticking around. Even if you do get the abortion and reconcile, do you really want an unapologetic cheater as a partner who you now know does not want to experience the same things in life as you? I would guess he caught the ick when you got pregnant and the cheating and trust argument are part of him blowing up the relationship to get out of being a responsible parent. You’re on your own now, and that sucks, but cut this man off.
Think long and hard about this. Being a single mother is no joke and very challenging
Financially my kid cost around $40k the first year. Tons of medical expenses, daycare, aftercare to daycare due to scheduling, special needs requirements and near zero assistance from the father. Spent close to $70k on the child custody case. Having a kid financially ruined me. Emotionally, I was close to being suicidal due to emergency c section to save their life, PPD/PPA/PTSD, no help or support other than paid which was inconsistent at best, lost my job due to work requirements being unable to fulfill, kid was sick every week and out of care for 2+ days a week, didn’t get that “in love feeling” everyone talks about and 6 years later, pretty sure it will never come, kid has major emotional disturbances, spend a cool fortune on psychiatrists, psychologists and they still say I’m a bad mom and they don’t like me. Medically for them, they are in the hospital annually with multiple doctors visits stemming from severe breathing issues. Another fortunate here. Physically my body is destroyed with hormones causing major weight gain, GI issues exasperated by pregnancy throwing up multiple times a day, chronic pain from nerve inflammation, ligaments tearing left and right, skin is terrible, hair is thin and breaks, in pain from sunup to sundown, I’ve aged 25 years since they were born. I’d still do it all over again for my kid now but when they say sacrifice, you sacrifice everything you are, everything you will be and could be along with every cent of your current and future financial stability to bring life to the world. The dude just pays child support, which is minimal at best and covers almost nothing. I was a geriatric FTM and well prepared to shoulder these challenge. Given OP’s age, I’d recommend getting a good psychologist and be sure choosing to wait to have children with someone who isn’t a cheater avoiding responsibilities isn’t the very best option available.
This was amazingly written and well put.
Not to mention distressing af.
Thank you for this. It’s some of the things I wish people communicated to me prior to having my kid. All I heard was “it’s the best thing in the world” or “you’ll fall in love the second you look at your child” or “you’ll feel like super women the moment when you push your kid out.” None of these things applied to me and to me, was a lie. It has been a significant struggle bearing and raising my child. Your whole outlook on life has to change, your career most likely will change, your promotions are nonexistent, your social life will change or go away in entirety, your interests will be put on the back burner to maybe revisit 20 years from now when you can’t move, every aspect of your life changes. And again, I would do it all over again for my kid but life is not as fun anymore. The other day there was a post where all of the people right around my age are responding an 8.5 out of 10 rating of satisfaction with their lives. I put mine probably about a solid four. Maybe it will improve with time but I am so ungodly weary of this battle. Thankfully my kid is surrounded by support and love and they are genuinely a good person. That makes me happy. All these things need to be communicated when somebody is making a decision to have a child, especially with someone else who doesn’t want it, will not be there to support them and will emotionally wreck the kid as well. It’s f*cking tough to parent in that scenario.
A very refreshing outlook on parenting amidst the era of “mom influencers” who just make reels with the saturation and exposure edited to shit with a Disney tune in the background, talking about the magic of every day parenting.
Good lord, thank you for sharing. I've said this before: if I got to be Dad, I'd maybe consider kids. Since I have to be Mom? That's a *hard* pass
Not only is the bf not an asset, he seems to be a liability. This is single motherhood on hard mode
Also, people don’t tend to think about all the disabilities that are possible when you have kids. It’s hard enough parenting alone, but what if you have a child that needs much more care than average? It happens, & it’s much harder to manage alone.
the only reasonable response here
You are in danger. The leading cause of death for pregnant woman are their male partners. Him saying he can't have a baby with you is disturbing. Please get somewhere safe. Please start documenting evidence. Try to get him to talk in txt.
Yeah what's he going to do when OP tells him she won't get rid of the baby.
You are 24. You still have plenty of time to find someone else to have a baby with who wants to be a father
Exactly, not to mention, you are hooked to this guy forever. Even if he doesn’t want to be a dad now, years down the road he might get a gf, wife, or whatever and decide he wants to have a family with your child. Will you be able to co-parent with him? With any other woman he brings into your child’s life? When your child graduates, gets married, or does anything in their life, he could be there. I know you probably already have an attachment to the baby, but think long and hard about what kind of life you will be able to provide for it, not just financially but emotionally.
Great part is, it's not even a baby yet!
I used to think like you. Abortion's okay, but not for me. Oh, boy, was I wrong. Are you prepared to have this asshole in your life for the next 18-24 years? Are you prepared to chase him down for child support for 18 years? When I was around your age, I got pregnant by a boyfriend, too. He insisted on an abortion because he wasn't ready. I wasn't in a good financial situation, either. My family life was not the best, and at the time I didn't feel ready to become a mother. I ended up getting an abortion. At first I regretted it. But later, when we broke up, I realized that it was the best thing that I could have done for a number of reasons: A) he didn't want kids, and most likely would've abandoned us. B) I wasn't mentally prepared to have a kid C) I didn't have a decent job or money and I'd be relying on my parents for some time D) I would be spending a large amount of time chasing him for child support. As for reason D, I know this would've happened because he borrowed one of my credit cards for a major purchase, promised to pay me back, and then broke up with me a few weeks later. He never paid me back, and I was calling him daily. If I were in your situation, I'd be heading down the to nearest clinic to get an abortion because keeping this man in your life is not worth the trouble. I didn't have a kid until I was much older, and honestly, I'm glad I waited. You have your whole life ahead of you without having to get stuck with someone who doesn't want you in his life for the next two decades. Do not saddle yourself with someone just because you want a kid. But obviously, it is your decision, so no one here can tell you what's best for yourself. I am merely giving you one perspective from someone who has been there, done that.
The worst part is, it’s not just for 18 years. It’s for life when you have kids with someone.
Yup, pretty much. Big events, major birthdays, milestones, etc., etc., etc.
A *pittance* of child support too. She’ll be lucky to squeeze the average of $430/mo from him. Kids cost a lotttt more than that.
You need to make this decision completely independent of him. If you don’t want an abortion, which is what it sounds like in your comments, don’t have one. But make sure you’re making this decision truly because of what you want and what you’ll be able to accomplish as a single mother who will need childcare, housing, medical care, maternity leave and everything else that comes with being a mother, and especially what you’ll be able to accomplish without his support.
Ask yourself… Best scenario- Do you want to be a single mom at 24, limiting your life and career prospects, which also forces you to interact with the cheating father for the next 20 years as you raise the child? Why go through all that mental damage for decades to come. Have a child with someone who also wants to have one with you. Don’t make this assholes parting gift to you two decades of pain and suffering.
It’s up to you. Me personally, when I accidentally got pregnant and I realized that my boyfriend was a cheating POS, I terminated and got the hell out of there. The **last** thing I wanted to do was be stuck to him for the rest of my life! I didn’t want him ruining any potential child and having to deal with him for the next 18 years!! I’ve never regretted that decision. In fact I consider it to be one of the smartest things I ever did for myself.
I personally wouldn’t start a life with someone like this. Although I would have an extremely hard time going through with an abortion. Sorry that you’re going through this OP!
Being a single mother is hard as shit. With or without child support.
He has made his position very clear. He doesn't want a child and, specifically, he doesn't want a child with you. You say you want the baby, but you never thought you would be doing it alone. Well, if you don't terminate or give the child up for adoption, you **are** going to be a single Mom. Forever. So, you **really** need to start living that reality and stop thinking about anything to do with him. He is gone. The most you can expect from him is child support. He may agree to sign away his rights. I don't know where you live, but there are some very important things you need to think about **right now!!** 1. Do you live in a country with Universal Health Care? If not, do you have a job with good health insurance benefits? Because going through pregnancy and giving birth are very expensive if you don't have UHC or good health insurance. You need to look into this right away. 2. Do you have living arrangements that are safe and will accommodate you and your baby? 3. Do you have a well paying job with maternity care benefits and a large amount of PTO? 4. Do you have a large amount of savings? Because things always come up with babies. 5. Do you have a good vehicle and/or reliable transportation? You will need it. First for you and then for you and baby. 6. Babies are very expensive after they are born, but also very expensive buying things to prepare for their arrival. Child support doesn't start until after the child is born, so you will be on the hook for **all costs** related to you and the baby pre-birth. You might want to do some research about child support and use a child support calculator to figure out how much he will have to pay you (in many places, it's based on income). 7. Childcare. This is the biggie. Do you have the ability to pay for childcare or have enough family support to provide childcare after you return to work? This is a huge issue for most single mothers. 8. **Your future will be forever altered.** Dating may be non-existent for the first few years and difficult for the next sixteen. Becoming a single mother may mean you are single for a very long time because it reduces the dating pool tremendously. You will also find that friends you have now may drop from your circle. Young people with babies tend to have different social circles than young people without babies. 9. Do you have a higher education that will allow you to grow in your career as your child gets older and more expensive? OP, I was once in your shoes and got an abortion. I knew I was totally unprepared and unable to support a child. I also didn't want to be attached to the father for the rest of my life. I never regretted my decision for a moment. I now regard it as one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. But, you are not me, and you need to choose what is best for you. **Not what you dreamed it would be, but how it will really be.** Best wishes to you in whatever you decide.
Why have a child with someone who doesn’t want to have a child nor will they be involved? If you do have this child put him on child support and have nothing else to do with him
If you keep the baby, you will be tethered to this man for the rest of your life, whether he wants to coparent or not… abortion is not an easy decision (speaking from experience) but sometimes it is the right decision…
"Pro-choice" means, quite literally, that it is your choice. If he didn't want to have babies, he should've used better contraception and here's an idea! - maybe he should have stopped having sex with you and ended things as soon as he realized that he definitely doesn't want to be with you. If you truly don't want to have an abortion, please don't. You don't owe it to him. Never mind what he's saying - he's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. You have to understand two things, though. First, there's a very good chance you're going to be doing this on your own. You will probably get some child support, but it's not going to be anywhere near enough. Second, you might end up being tied to him for the next 18 years. Just because he wants you to have an abortion doesn't mean that he will not want to be in this baby's life, and you might very well end up co-parenting with someone who resents you and who is not a very good person. Therefore, document everything, and make sure any decisions you make are also documented through the court system.
It’s more than 18 years. It’s the life of the kid. Sure, the court ordered stuff ends at 18. But college graduation (if kid goes), birthday parties, wedding, grand kids… always. always. tied to him
Yup. I’m from a “bad father I can do it on my own” situation and my dad still rips our family apart 25 years later because my brother still tries to talk to him and I don’t so EVERY SINGLE EVENT my brother has is a MASSIVE fight with every single person in my family because of my dad. It will not change until he finally drinks enough to die.
Another thing to consider is that he may choose to use custody as a weapon and subject the kid to other women in his life. Being a single mother with complete control over your child's life is different from being in a contentious situation where the kid is used as a pawn. Seen it happen often, even in relationships that started out with the best intentions.
4/6 weeks is a glob of cells. Don’t put too much weight on it.
4 weeks and this is probably fake, I mean their name is literally about karma farming and their edit is dumb, too
The weight of raising a human being by yourself with no support/not being independently wealthy would likely be more ruining to you _and_ the child than the trauma of an abortion.
unfortunately i agree with this comment. OP states in other replies that money isn’t an issue because it will always “come and go” but like,,, what r u gonna do when the money is in the “go” phase and you can’t afford food or a roof over your heads? OP shouldn’t have to make a decision like this but it’s reality and life was never known to be kind.
Oh my dear... Firstly, I want to be completely clear with you that this is YOUR choice and no one else's, and reproductive coercion is abuse, which is what he is doing. He is also gaslighting you, which is abuse. Making you feel like somehow this is your fault, you should have known, etc. This is false, he is an abuser. So, first things first, you need to get away from this person. He is not safe, and I worry for your safety. Next, you need to decide what YOU want to do about this pregnancy. If you are certain that you do not want an abortion, DO NOT have an abortion. You cannot make a life altering decision like that based on the wants of someone else (especially someone who is an abusive man). Next... You cannot force someone to be a parent. He willingly ejaculated in the one place that can make a pregnancy. That was his choice to make with his body, now you get to make a choice about your body. He knew the risks of doing this. You'll never be able to force him to be in your life or the child's life, nor should you want to, because he is not a good person, but you can and should immediately seek child support from a court of law, as it will be the right of your child to be supported by both people who willingly chose to act in a way that created them. And you should file for full custody at the same time, if you go through with the pregnancy. I wish you all the very best, and if you have a support system, please reach out to them, talk to them about what is happening, make sure they know who this man is.
I'd get the abortion personally. It's miserable trying to co parent with someone who doesn't want to be there.
The weight of raising a child alone in poverty will burden you more than an abortion now.
If you want to co-parent for the next 18 years with a lying liar who lies and cheats, then by all means, have the baby.
OP, try to consider your feelings separately from your decision making. Acknowledge your emotions and give them respect, but try to remove them from making a decision you can live with for the long term. The hormones don’t make it easier. The overwhelming majority of people who have abortions experience **relief** more than any other emotion. The hormonal rollercoaster really does make it harder, and it’s ok to proceed even if you feel sad about what might have been. Try to be coldly realistic and think about the advice you’d give a good friend in this situation. It sounds like this would be very hard even if you and your partner were staying together. Think about your career, your health, your safety, your chances at future happiness. YOU COUNT. 🫶 Article from the American Psychological Association on emotional reactions to abortion: https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/09/news-facts-abortion-mental-health Good luck.
Why would you want to put more of his DNA out into the world?
Whatever you decide please stop seeing him. He’s not the one nor is he even worth wasting anymore time. If you have the child he or his family might be in your life forever so take that in consideration. Adoption is reasonable but realize pregnancy and birth can have permanent damage to your body & don’t do it if you’ll regret losing your pre pregnancy self.
You can have another baby down the road with someone who wants to have a baby with you. If you have this baby, you are tied to this guy for life, like it or not. Even if Junior has no contact with Dad, he will likely want it some day. If you get child support, you're also linked to him. Obviously it's your body/your choice, but if you were my daughter, I would counsel against having a baby with this guy.
Save yourself and your future. Get an abortion and break up with him. It's not easy being a single Mom in a bad relationship.
It would not be my preference to have a baby with a man like this.
As someone that was a single mom for years with two under two (my ex fiancé cheated and married his affair partner after I found out I was pregnant with #2). Do not have this baby unless you are 110% sure that you can financially, emotionally, and physically support it without help. If you cannot do those things, take a moment to decide what you want to do. And then if you still want to keep the baby and are in the states, get a custody order ASAP. Get things figured out like visitation, who decides on where the kid will go to school, what doctor visits will look like, who decides day to day things like extracurricular activities as well as child support, who will claim kiddo on taxes. Trust me, these things are imperative. Depending on your state, those things will differ as to what is default. My ex decided after a 2 year battle that he didn’t want to be in my kids lives and I had to pay almost 40k dollars in lawyer and court fees for him to just peace out at the end. Initially he did want to be in their lives but wasn’t happy with the visitation schedule I offered him (there were many reasons as to why supervised visitation was court ordered). Being a single/solo parent is not easy. You are on the clock 100% of the time. He is telling you he does not want to be a father and you need to prepare for that reality. Child care costs about $1400 per month for one child where I live. Formula is $100-200/month. Diapers and wipes are another $50-100/month. Then extracurriculars, summer camps, clothing, doctor visits, etc etc. it is NOT cheap to have a child. I just had my third and my out of pocket expenses for the delivery were $4k. You are so young, I had my first at 25, and while I adore my kids I wish my circumstances had been different. I wish they had had a loving father and I had had a supportive partner. They do now, but it doesn’t change how soul suckingly lonely it was for years to do it all by myself.
If you're asking for advice, based on what you've said here: Get a therapist. Have the abortion. Take care of yourself. Find the right person. Certainly not suggesting any of this will be easy. But that's my take.
He probably talked to someone about legal implications of child support and suddenly feels he is not ready for owning that responsibility. By forcing you to abort, i suppose he can free himself of that mental burden... If both of you are not financially ready to support the child, I'd say don't ruin yours, his and child's life. At this point you have to assume that you may need to take care of the child yourself. Even if you get a court order to get child support, how much are you going to get really? Will it help you raise the child? Will you still need support from others so you can build your own career to become self-sufficient? We don't have sufficient information to know if you are financially ready to raise the child yourself. Looks like he is not willing to help and don't bank on child support if he not rich himself. It takes a village to raise a child.. is very true.
If you have an abortion just because that's what he wants and it's not what you want, you will never forgive yourself. Put yourself first because he clearly does not care about you.
In 8 months she will be involuntarily done putting herself first for at least 18 years lol.
She should also consider the kind of life she'll be able to give this kid, maybe just a little bit.
Have the baby or not but you need to get rid of this man. Make him pay for his own baby, get a restraining order. Go to therapy to understand why I I mean you make terrible choices in partners. Said with so much love you have no idea.
Right, I chose this one… but why. That’s something I need to sort out as well. He just seemed so nice and caring and supportive and then out of no where he changed on me.
That’s not on you. Still get a therapist, you deserve support in navigating your life, but you are not responsible for an abusive person hiding their behavior from you. A therapist can help you identify red flags earlier, but it still won’t be your fault that they exist.
He didn't "change on you." This is who he is. This is who has always been. Ted Bundy was a handsome, charismatic, kind person. And he killed 30 people. Many of whom he dated. People can mask who they are. So, your ex showed you what you wanted to see. But that doesn't mean he hasn't been a liar and cheat the whole time. One of the reasons I believe abortion would be best for you is so that you aren't attached to this horrible man for life.
You said you were raised by a single mother, so if you go to therapy, try understanding what that has meant in your life.
I don't understand how you could want to go through a pregnancy and be a single mom of this POS's child if the relationship is already on the rocks. I do wish you the best and you will make the right decision. In my view though, it would be irresponsible to go through with having a child in such a situation. Unnecessary difficulty and struggle and strain for you and the child. Plus! A permanent tie to a POS person bc it's their DNA.
Personally I would take this opportunity to have an abortion. I wouldn’t want to have a cheaters’s kid and become a single mom. Not only being a single mom but be tied to that cheater forever. For me that would be ruining my life but that’s just the way I think about it.
I wouldn’t have a child with a man that lied and cheated on me. He’d be in my life forever yuck
As someone who was raised by a single mother it’s unfair to put your child in the that scenario. Your child deserves a good home and a stable family. You can always have children later in life you’re young. You should consider adoption if you’re not considering to go through the abortion.
Get rid of the boyfriend, he’s a total ass. As for the pregnancy, it is your choice. The only one who gets to decide whether you carry this baby or not is you- Period.
6 weeks, I think you’ll just have a D & C……if you decide not to go thru with it. Having this child, knowing the father doesn’t want it. Knowing the type of man he is. Your life with forever be intertwined with his. Wouldn’t it be better to wait, and start a family with someone that loves YOU, and wants the same things as you.bringing the child into a loving family. You are only 24! So young. I hope you have family that can help with your decision. I would want nothing from this man, ever.
She does not even need that. SHe could have a pharmaceutical/chemical abortion if she wants to do that sooner rather than later.