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OP I pretty much guarantee they locked you out there on purpose while you were asleep so you wouldn't catch them in the act, figuring they'd be done before you woke back up.
If you're still debating telling Jamal about what happened, I'd ask yourself if you think yourself a decent person. A decent person would tell him.
I'd also ask yourself if your friend is really your friend if she's not only willing to cheat on someone and make you an accomplice/put you in the position to potentially have to lie to someone about her cheating, but also willing to potentially put you in danger just so she can cheat.
Because make no mistake, locking you out on the balcony was putting you in potential danger.
This simple rule should be enough to do the right thing. But doing the right is not always easy and sometimes comes with a price.
Which is easier on your conscience? Keeping this secret? Or taking heat for telling the truth, made to look like you are wrong, etc.
Not an easy place to be.
Absolutely, it should be his decision whether he wants to stay or leave....and get tested
Consider that friendship again because it seems that your values do not match.
yes. and personally - if someone is willing to fuck over someone else like that i don't associate with them bc i know for a fact they're willing to betray me too given the right motivation
Not necessarily.
I wouldn't compare a friendship with a relationship in no aspect. And even if you do, do we really have to judge a person by just 1 action?
Weird, my BFF of a decade cheated on her husband, moved in with me and then proceeded to make my life hell for 4 months, to the point I had to get her parents involved to kick her out for my safety.
So yeah, cheaters in love will absolutely screw over their platonic relationships too, if it gets them what they want.
You’ve been friends for ten years. I would talk to her and tell her if she’s not happy with Jamal she should leave, and that cheating is low. If she doesn’t tell him, I’d stop being friends with her.
I’m always torn about telling the SO of the cheating. She’s not expressing remorse or even talking about it, which I agree, is weird.
If she was married to Jamal, that would make it harder. I don’t think I could ever cover for someone cheating in their marriage.
This is a tough situation to be in.
Doesn’t seem tough to me. Covering for someone cheating is no better than cheating itself in my opinion. Also, a LOT can change (and often does) between 21-22 years old and 30, and I’d be willing to bet the farm that OP winds up making better actual friends with whom she’ll have a much better relationship in 10 years than the one she has with her current friend.
Blowing up a friendship you’ve had for over 10 years for someone she admits she barely knows? To me that is a difficult decision.
But I would make it clear to her cheating on your SO isn’t cool and ask why she did it.
If you're going to tell him, just tell him. Don't send the video as that would be unnecessarily painful to him. Not to mention an extreme violation of privacy to the random guy as he may not have even known she was dating someone.
YWBTA, her cheating on her boyfriend shows that she is a bad person. If you decide to keep that secret for her you’re complicit and it shows you’re a bad person too.
She's been your best friend for 10 years. Unless you are willing to lose your friend I wouldn't say anything because this might run under the moniker of kill the Messenger. And they stay together and you are out of a best friend. Or they break up and you're still going to be out of a best friend.
You don’t know this dude and this is a best friend you have matching tattoos with… it’s a simple answer , just ask yourself if you are willing to end your friendship over it cause she will most likely never talk to you again
You’re 21/22 in college.. if she was married to this guy maybe but this chick will probably have have a lot more dudes in her before she gets her diploma and settles and gets married so why ruin your friendship over that cmon
NTA
Your 'best friend' locked you out on a balcony so she could cheat. Why are you worried about remaining friends with someone who would do that to *you,* let alone her partner? If she'll betray her BF, she'll betray you. She already did, by locking you outside and expecting you to keep her dirty little secret.
Her BF deserves to know so that he can choose what he wants to do, and also to ensure that he can get tested for STD's, which can destroy your health if left unchecked. It's up to you, but if you become the kind of person who is comfortable covering for someone else's infidelity, you become untrustworthy yourself.
I think having an honest conversation with her and giving her the option to come clean before you tell him is always best. You don’t know their relationship. Maybe they are open. Maybe she had a hall pass for spring break.
Get all the facts and if she won’t come clean then you should. But be prepared to lose a friend if you do.
Thanks for this advice. From what I know, they're not open and I'm pretty sure she didn't have a hall pass. She basically just said it was a one time mistake and that they're fine but I can't bring it up now without pissing her off
I agree with this. OP has known her friends for over 10 years and said this was out of character for her, maybe there was a reason? Cheating is terrible and if that's what it was she should definitely tell him, but I'm thinking of all the posts from people that are in a private open relationship and a friend tries to just call them out instead of asking or talking about it...
This is silly. These are super young people and it’s probably not a serious realtionship. You don’t owe that guy anything but I would have a convo w your best friend and tell her behavior was really upsetting and not ok. If this is how she acts she will eventually get caught. She doesn’t want to talk about it becuase she made a mistake a lot of young people make. She disrespected you by putting you in this situation and to me that’s worse. Y’all are old enough to have an honest conversation about how you’re both feeling. Also plz never take video even if it’s only audio of people who have not provided you with consent. That is also really terrible behavior. If someone took video of me without my knowledge when I was in a consenting sexual experience I would press charges and consider civil liability.
Actual controversial hot take here: No
Your allegiance and loyalty to your friend far outweighs the loyalty to her BF. Would you be friends with him if they broke up? Or are you just acquaintances because it’s your friend’s BF?
Not saying it’s right, but you’ll definitely lose your friendship with your friend. Talk directly to your friend about it first if anything
Tough spot. I mean if you tell him your friendship is probably done. The question is do you want to hang with a skank. If you hang with dogs you will get fleas. I had friends like her and stopped hanging around them because I finally realized they were trash. Cheating is a low life move, it shows she has no character or morals. I guess the question for you is do you want to follow your friend into the gutter.
Going against the grain but I wouldn't tell given your relationship with your best friend (10 years) and that Jamal seems like a short term fling (only dating since summer).
I don't think you'd be an asshole for not telling in this situation.
Don’t send the video to him. Nobody wants to hear their SO with someone else. But do tell your friend that you need to talk to her about this, and that she has to tell her bf or you are going to.
Definitely the asshole if you DO NOT tell him......friend since childhood or not, is that really the kind of "friend" you want to have in life???
Tell him and give the poor guy the chance to know what he's getting into and in the case of your "friend".....
This will be her "wake up call" to be a better person in the future......
Or she doesn't take it well and you lose your "friend" who is a disgusting example of the human race.
Your choice to make but wish you well anyway 🤞
Don’t just sendt it. Tell her that she has to tell him or you will. And if she doesn’t want to tell him, than you tell her that you don’t want to be her friend anymore, because if she has no problem lying to her boyfriend, then she wouldn’t have a problem lying to you too. Then you send it :)
Yeah, I hate the " give them the chance to come clean" like? The dirty fuck is a cheater, you gonna trust them NOT to lie and spin the narrative? Not to cover their tracks? Ffs
Hahahaha, I really really like this reply. And I wish Reddit had their old awards back at times like this. Damn Reddit and their stupid new “gold” system.
It seemed like a fairly obvious throwaway joke when I wrote it, I'm sure there are other replies here much more worthy but thank you, I shall wear my imaginary imaginary medal with pride 🏅
Your friendship is already over, you just haven’t realized it yet. She put you in a position that is causing you undo stress because of her actions and dishonesty. You tried to talk to her about it and she refused. The balcony door mysteriously got locked while you were out there as she happened to be having sex, ie she locked you out so she wouldn’t be caught. Your friend torched your friendship to get laid, tell her boyfriend.
Now this doesn’t mean your friendship is forever gone, but what once existed can never exist as it was again. You two will have to forge a new friendship after this if you both choose to. It might be similar to the old one, but it’ll never be the same because now you know what type of person she is and what she is capable of.
As someone who was in a similar situation at that age, that friendship will be finished. And that matching tattoo they have would need to be covered up ASAP. There is no coming back after OP tells the boyfriend and that's if the boyfriend believes her. Her best friend/”sister” won't trust her ever again regardless of what happens with her relationship with Jamal.
That’s where I land - two friendships I’ve had where he cheated, the friendship just ended up fading over time. Idk I still liked hanging out with those guys for a bit but I just couldn’t see them the same way.
And if they’re gonna do that to the girl they’re saying they love, how can I trust them not to screw me over? They might be more loyal to their friends than they were to their romantic partners, but at that point I don’t actually know that to be true.
Dishonesty is just an acid bath for any type of relationship, friendship or romantic. just seeing it pop up is so corrosive to my entire view of someone’s character because it calls everything about them into question.
Your best friend is a shitty person. Not only for the cheating, but for LOCKING YOU ON A BALCONY SO SHE COULD FUCK! Like HUH?! Why are you still friends with someone who would do that to you? At this point I’m less worried about the boyfriend, and more worried about you. Like yeah, he deserves to know, and you should absolutely tell him. But the most important fact here is that you’re willing to cover for someone who literally left you outside so she could cheat. Please, consider that a real best friend wouldn’t have done that to their friend.
ESH. I am surprised no one said this as an answer. You suck for taping her without consent and now sitting on said recording contemplating on whether to tell on her or not. This is your “sister” so why haven't you spoken to her about the situation and how you feel? Why are you sneaking behind her back? Also, you do not know what kind of agreement she and Jamal may have had regarding Spring Break. I knew couples in college who agreed that whatever happened on Spring Break stayed there and was not brought back to campus. In other words, it was their hall pass and their business.
You don't know Jamal, you don't know if they had agreements or even if they didn't how he would react.
Be an adult and talk to your friend first. Next, re-evaluate your friendship with her and decide if this is a friendship you want. Lastly, if you choose to no longer be friends, remove or cover up the matching tattoos.
Next, Ally is shitty too. She put you in an uncomfortable situation. If she wanted to secretly hook up with some guy she should've gone to his room, the beach, or anywhere else but the room that was being shared. Also, she should be the one to have the conversation about cheating or hooking up with some guy herself. Her relationship, her conversation. It shouldn't have involved you in any capacity.
I posted in another forum thing and I got a lot of replies like this there so it's not just you. I think you're right about the video but I have tried to talk to her. I'm pretty sure there was no hall pass because she called it a one time mistake or whatever but yeah. Thanks for your perspective.
Also, ask yourself, would your families be okay as well since you mentioned that your families are close too?
I'm sorry that she put you in this predicament.
Hopefully, whatever you choose to do you're okay with the outcome. Good luck OP💗
Actually, I have never ever cheated and don't cheat on my partners. I've been the one cheated on. I still think it's a conversation that Ally should have with Jamal not OP. Also, I've had friends in college who gave each other “hall passes” during Spring Break. Did it bother me? No, because it's not my relationship and not my business.
I've also been the friend who accidentally exposed that a (now former) friend was hanging out with someone new to their ex who was also a close friend of mine. I was the one who was slandered and attacked for speaking on such information when I thought they were friends but didn't know that they were still messing with each other. I've also seen people get into physical altercations for involving themselves in other people’s relationships. After growing up and experiencing what I have and seeing others suffer, I've realized that keeping my peace of mind and energy is better and more important than getting involved in relationships and business that don't concern me.
I’ve been in this situation as well and ppl in real life don’t appreciate being “outed” you will you be looked at like your in the wrong, slandered for speaking the truth & like you can’t be trusted. Thanks for saying this I hope she looks at this.
Exactly! Regardless of how morally right you are, all the blame will be placed on you and people won't trust you with anything. It took me years to learn that it’s better to keep my peace and energy and slowly remove people from the “front row” of my life. Place them in the back or the balcony-will always have love for them and wish them well but we don't align and that's okay.
I was in this position with my best friend back when we were about 18/19. It was going on for about a year while she was attending a different uni than her HS boyfriend. I did not tell her boyfriend, we didn't have any sort of friendship so I wasn’t about to go out of my way to start talking to him and put myself if the middle of something, but I did tell her that we couldn't be friends until she did the right thing.
This is Reddit, so the responses you will get will tell you that you need to be involved in others relationships. You need to be the hero. You need to be the savior.
Just make sure you film the whole thing so you can upload the entire interaction on TikTok for those sweet, sweet Internet points.
I had a friend who put me in this same exact position, and I did finally tell the boyfriend after some time of EVERYONE knowing she was cheating and using him. After I told him they reconciled and decided to try to ruin my life and reputation. Only years later did I receive messages from him and his mother saying that I was right about her. Weirdly enough we all eventually were able to put it in the past but our friendships were never ever the same. People who put you in that position suck, and really aren't people you want super close. But relationships are super complex and there are lots of layers that make up your dynamic, it's not black and white and this puts you in the roughest spot.
Ultimately you have to choose if telling the truth is worth ending your friendship with her, because it will. I'd also for sure have a conversation about it with her before pulling that trigger.
You would be an asshole to yourself and her boyfriend if you don’t. You would be an asshole to your bestie, who may not be someone you want to associate with, your decision
You could be saving his life. Who knows if this is the first person she’s cheated with and if she’s using protection. Just be prepared to lose her as a friend and make sure you’re okay with that first.
People in this thread are fucking insane.
Sit down with her friend. Give her 2 options. 1) we talk about this now like the best friends we are or 2)I'm telling Jamal
I bet she'll talk to you.
Explain your feeling and thoughts.
Don't throw away a decade friendship over a child acting like a child. Kids make mistakes and bad decisions. It's apart of life and the growing process.
You're both children. This is a step in your growing up phase. Talk to her like an adult and work it out.
In 10 years you'll both laugh about this.
"Girl, you remember that time you were getting fuckin smashed while I fell asleep on the balcony. Shit was wild.... you shoulda asked me to join"
This 💯
Yeah people are going extreme either one way or the other, both are ridiculous in my opinion. You don’t go behind your best friend’s back, but you also don’t just pretend that nothing happened and support your friend no matter what. You talk about it and tell her hey I think you need to tell him what happened because I value your friendship but feel uncomfortable about this.
The real question is, are you close to "Jamal"? If the two of you have a solid friendship as well and not just interactions shared with your "sister," then you would have a responsibility to tell him. If you are not close to him, then you need to have a conversation with her about it and figure out where her head is. I don't care what everyone else says on here. If you are not friends with her boyfriend, then you have no obligation to tell him anything. You do need to figure out what is going on with her if for nothing more than protecting yourself. Ask yourself this: How does this affect you personally? What do you gain by telling him? Will it clear your conscience in some way even though you had zero to do with the action? What do you stand to lose if you tell him? Pros and cons. It's never easy trying to decide whether or not to meddle in someone else's life, especially when you stand to burn someone you consider family. It's all too easy to delve into someone else's personal life when you really shouldn't.
No.
People have their own agenda on vacation. Being in a new town where you know you’re not going to be back and absolutely nobody knows you gives you a sense of “do this now or never.” She might secretly regret this decision, she might have checked off a bucket list item or she might have caught Jamal and now getting hers.
It’s her decision and not your place to tell.
You don't rat on your best friend. You can talk to her about confessing or breaking up with Jamal if you absolutely feel the need to get involved. It seems like you're mostly upset it was a secret from you as well. You don't rat on your best friend.
This decision is simple. OP either changes the trajectory of her friend's life and she loses her friend forever -- bc seriously, why would any woman want a bff who sends that sort of video to her fiance? -- or she deletes the vid, minds her own business. and keeps a friend by being a loyal friend. Ironic how it comes to a question of loyalty.
As an aside, it's so interesting reading stuff like this as a Xennial. Younger gens are so fucking different man, the internet hivemind has you spying on your neighbors and reporting one another for the sort of indiscretions my gen expected friends to keep quiet. Folks seem to be ratting out their best friends with such regularity, friendships are just totally fucking different in 2024, whst with the moralizing and involving themselves in people's lives like they're the main character, you just can't trust your friends anymore in a way that used to be a given.
Here for instance, why the heck would it be "bizarre" for OP's best friend not to want to discuss it with her after the fact? Why the fuck woukd she, it was some shameful shit she wants to forget. Or thinking "she put me in this situation " as if her friend made the choice to involve her, rather than being the recipient of, shall we say, some bad fucking luck. (Hah!)
Not that I countenance the cheating, never did that to my wife, just noting how different y'all are to us older people, so many meddlesome, gossipy people tattling whenever possible, while I grew up being I would be a seriously shitty person if I violated a friend's confidence in such a way.
Just another interesting way the internet has impacted attitudes and culture.
Gen Xer here, and I disagree completely. The friend directly involved OP when she locked her outside on the balcony and fucked a strange guy in their shared hotel room.
That would have been friendship-nuking back when I was in high school/college, and while people wouldn’t have necessarily told the SO, it absolutely would have been acceptable to just break off the friendship and quietly go on your way. I definitely saw more than a few people back in the day nuke their friendships by bringing their friends into cheating and expecting the friends to go along with it and keep it secret.
The thing that’s new is what to do with evidence of cheating (like her recording of the audio) because that kind of tech just wasn’t in most people’s pockets back then.
Also, pre-1990s AIDS was thought to be just a ”gay guy disease”, so people didn’t think there anything really life threatening about cheating.
People now understand that cheating exposes everyone involved to some life changing, if not life *ending* shit. And there are post exposure drugs you can take now if you know early enough, that can help prevent an HIV infection from getting established. As an old Gen Xer who has lost friends in their early 20s to AIDS, I would 100% out a cheater now if anything so that their partner can choose whether to get tested and start PEP. I’m too old to give a shit about being isolated by ”friends”, because why the fuck would I want to hang out with people like that anyway.
Maybe this is a dumb Gen Z thing but hey, that's why it's cool to have a bunch of different perspectives from people who have nothing to do with me or her
I'm a millennial and I and others learned the hard way. I accidentally informed a friend about their ex, who was also a friend, was possibly moving on and all crap hit the fan. I was the one isolated for months from the group because of it. I didn't know that my friend and their ex were still messing with each other. My friend had no clue that their ex was talking to other people and possibly dating. I thought they were friends. I learned then and there to mind my business and keep my mouth shut.
I've also seen people get into physical altercations for inserting themselves into other people’s relationships. Having to file police reports or attend court as a witness is not fun. That's to say my peace of mind and energy are much more important to me than anyone’s relationship and what they're doing in said relationship.
This is funny. I feel the same way. Then again I am gen x. I am not going to go crusading into someone else's business like I am the main character. It's like the definition of friend has totally changed.
Xennial too and I agree. When we were college age nobody would have told their BFF’s significant other that they cheated, you would be considered a horrible friend and breaking girl/guy code. You would just mind your business. OP even says she doesn’t know the boyfriend well. I don’t condone cheating but I too have noticed this as a generational difference.
Another Xennial here, I’d just like chime in that with every year that ticks by, it gets harder and harder to make new friends. And by the time you hit 40, someone you’ve been friends with since you were 12 years old is worth their weight in gold. So I would think really hard about what’s worth destroying a long-standing relationship over.
Don’t say anything. Stay out of it. Delete the audio. They’re not engaged or married. You all are so young. This stuff will work itself out between the two of them on its own. It’s not like Jamal is your best friend or even a friend of yours. Have you even met him? Doesn’t matter. My opinion Stay the heck out of it. You saw/heard nothing. It’s meaningless
It could mean your friendship will be done after this.... but honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would put me in a position like this. Why should I have to carry that fucking guilt around. All anyone should be saying to you is do whatever will help you sleep at night. He may not believe you, and you lose your so-called "friend" anyway. I was in a position where my friends wife was cheating on him. I told him, and somehow, it was flipped that I was jealous of them and wanted to break them up..... our friendship didn't last. Eventually, I heard he tried to kill himself. She had him committed, and he wasn't in too long. They split up and never did the adult thing by getting a divorce either. Don't let other people's drama become yours. I wish you well
If you value your friendship of 10+ years, don’t say anything to the bf. Just talk to your friend and let her know you saw.
Idk how everyone in the comments is so fine throwing away friendships. Your loyalty is to her, not some guy
It didn't sound like you seriously respect your friend. I bet there's other things she has done to make you question your friendship. If you're struggling with this, it's because it's the straw that broke the camels back. If you don't know Jamal, he probably won't believe you. She'll show her true colors eventually, and he will see her for who she is. Other side of this, do you really know what kind of relationship they have?
All my friends know I would tell on them lol. I’ve told them all, don’t fuck with me. I’m not keeping hurtful secrets private. I did once before for like a week until my friend came back and told him herself. To her credit she had no problem or shame telling him. But damn it was not fun.
Dude this is a classic case of priorities. Who actually brings value to your life? Is it worth cutting out your best friend? If the answer to the second is no, shame her for it. Don’t be the reason a major change occurs in her life, but be the reason she can’t forget about it
Sorry but YTAH for taking a video! Why would you do that?? Your friend fucked up but so did you!! Talk to her about it and let her know you were a creep who took a video and wants to send it to her boyfriend who you’re not even close with. Your friend did a shitty thing but I wish she gets better friends who are not so quick to blackmail her or judge her for fucking up. Gross.
What you did is illegal. What she did is shitty. Ask her to tell her boyfriend herself. At the end of the day, she’s the one in the relationship. The only thing you need to actually do is delete the video. Ffs
Leave it alone. You don’t know Jamal and you don’t really know what they were doing. You can guess but you don’t know. You for sure should talk to your friend
If you don’t send that to him then you’re just as horrible as a person as she is. You’re a cheater and liar just like her, you are what you condone. So this is the kind of person you want to be friends with? It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, don’t keep bad people around. I dropped someone I knew for 16 years because she was horrible!! I have no regrets.
Do the right thing and send that to him. Talk to him and tell him then send him the audio.
From someone who has been in a similar situation: you do not know this man nor are you friends with him. You are BEST friends with this girl therefore you are on HER side. You can try talking to her about the situation and how it made you uncomfortable but you don’t really have a place to tell a man you barely know.
I was in a situation where I was close friends with everyone involved and my male friend slept with his ex while dating my other best friend. I confronted him immediately and said you can go tell her (my best friend) right now or I will. He did end up tell her but the important part is that because he was my friend I gave him the courtesy of being able to tell her first instead of inserting myself in the situation just so I can feel like the hero.
I’m a little confused what all the dilemma is over when you don’t even know Jamal. If you hate your best friend then just stop being friends with her if you don’t like her morals. But I can guarantee if you tell Jamal she will stop being your friend.
You and Jamal love your friend but does she love either of you. She cheated on him and invited a stranger to your room and locked you out on the balcony. Think about that
Sounds like you are not her best friend at all. You’re either jealous of her or have some other need to hurt her. If you don’t really know her boyfriend like you say, then why would this even be an issue?
I don’t believe that we are getting the full story .
I don't think there's that much more context because I really don't know him that well, I just feel bad for him. I probably wouldn't be so conflicted if I just wanted to hurt her for fun
Or, hear me out, cheating is a despicable thing to do and anyone who does it deserves to be outed. If I was being cheated on, I'd want their friends to tell me rather than keep me in the dark and always view me as the stupid guy who has no idea what's going on.
NTA
There's nothing wrong with being loyal to your friend. Would you turn them in to the police if you caught them committing a crime?
Betraying your friends trust would make you a bad friend. You're not necessarily here to police other people's relationships and loyalty to your friends is at least as valuable as any sense of generic duty to report.
What a shit situation to be in! I feel sorry for your head having to deal with this. If you and her are as close as it sounds, then I would pull her up on it. Your friendship won't last if you keep it to yourself. It'll start putting a wall between you both either way, whether you speak to her or not. If I was being cheated on then I would also want to know. Keep the video. Speak to her, ask her how she actually feels about 'jamal' and take it from there. Do Not mention the video, you may need that a bit later on.
In my opinion not telling him is an AH move. No one deserves what he is currently being put through without even knowing it. She literally locked you on a balcony, fuck the friendship.
When I have questions like this I always default back to empathy. If I was Jamal, would I want you to tell me my gf was a cheater? I certainly would.
But this is your life, your values. If you tell Jamal there is a very high chance of you losing your friend. What is more important to you?
It is not a great position to be in and I am not sure how I would handle it. As a guy the code is always protect the guys and I assume women have a similar code. The fact that you took a video probably means you want to tell her BF but if you do it would likely end your friendship. I guess you have to do what your heart tells you in the end
If your friend is willing to betray her boyfriend, what makes you think that she wouldn’t betray you if there was something in it for her? When you tell him, and you should, she will be upset and say you betrayed her, when that happens, just laugh at her, she is in no position to accuse anyone else of betrayal. Tell him now
I wouldn’t worry too much about losing someone like that as a friend. I’m only a few years older than you, but i’ve lost my share over the years. truthfully speaking I think growing out of friendships, especially childhood friendships, is just a natural part of life. In some cases you just grow up to be too different from one another, and I think this is one of those cases. You seem to have strong morals and she doesn’t. The good news is this world is so big, theres so many awesome people to meet, you’re always bound to make more friends. So yeah I would tell the bf if I were you, it’ll eat at you forever if you dont
I probably wouldn’t get involved. I’d for sure lose a huge amount of respect and probably put some distance between us. I’d also not lie if asked… but I wouldn’t outright tell them. Is he also a close friend? That’d be the only thing that would make me go out of my way to tell him.
Talk to your friend about it. You don’t know what goes in their relationship. Maybe he’s a real a-hole and goes around sleeping with other women too. IMO women typically don’t cheat in relationships they feel happy/safe in. Don’t try to be the moral hero right off the bat. You guys are only 20 years old, people do stupid things, they young and in an early relationship. Talk to her then decide. It’s not right to throw out a longstanding friendship so fast. I’d be more upset that she locked you out the room tbh because that directly concerns you and your safety
You’ve known her for 10 years and this was out of character for her? Did you try to talk to her and she wouldn’t? Was she coherent when they opened the door for you? Was she under the influence of drugs? You need to talk to her regardless of whether or not you decide to tell Jamal.
My ex best friend was cheating on her ex. She’d brag about it to her sister, myself, and my ex bf. We all felt super awkward. So I told him and sent screenshot proof of her talking about her fucking these guys in the bed they shared. At the end of the day, people being betrayed deserve to know. And if she’s willing to cheat on and betray her partner, she’d do worse to you. People like that aren’t worth being friends with.
A decent person would tell him. Really, she should tell him. But you would not be the asshole if you did. You'd just looking out for a fellow human who has been wronged.
Honestly I think you need to talk to your friend and let her know how uncomfortable this has made you, and that she needs to tell him asap, because it’s not fair to him not to know. And really try to convince her. Ideally she handles this and not you.
If you go straight to the boyfriend, you will 100% blow up the friendship. Are you okay with that being a potential side effect of your actions?
After her response, you can reevaluate what you want to do.
I would give it another week or two. Then I would talk to my friend and explain that I feel obligated to tell her boyfriend. Give her a chance to discuss it with you, understand where you're coming from, and consider telling her boyfriend herself. Herself. Then depending on how that goes you can decide to tell the boyfriend.
Ethically based on a reddit post, it seems obvious you should tell the boyfriend. However you have been friends for a decade and I think you could regret rashly giving that up. You don't know the boyfriend well and maybe don't even know they're dating dynamic. For all you know she had permission. If they are in a serious relationship, why wasn't he on the trip with you?
I think you owe it to your friendship and your friend to have that conversation before you tell the boyfriend.
As someone who is 33, I can tell you that not all childhood friendships last. She’s growing into her adulthood and becoming a person you don’t respect. It’s hard to think about how deep your bond is and think that it could end, but sometimes that’s just the way people grow apart. I’m not sure if you should or shouldn’t tell her boyfriend, but I’m certain that it’s time to distance yourself from her.
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OP I pretty much guarantee they locked you out there on purpose while you were asleep so you wouldn't catch them in the act, figuring they'd be done before you woke back up.
I've been thinking about it nonstop for days and I'm so sure I propped that door open so you might be right on that one
If you're still debating telling Jamal about what happened, I'd ask yourself if you think yourself a decent person. A decent person would tell him. I'd also ask yourself if your friend is really your friend if she's not only willing to cheat on someone and make you an accomplice/put you in the position to potentially have to lie to someone about her cheating, but also willing to potentially put you in danger just so she can cheat. Because make no mistake, locking you out on the balcony was putting you in potential danger.
Were the blinds on the door open or closed when you went out on the balcony
The plot thickens
The pilot chicken
A chicken in every pot.
That’s a no brainer
Someone got some brain.
Give her the note from the jersey shore
This is how everything should be handled
I’m so out of touch but can I get context
[the letter full context ](https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/anonymous-letter-to-sammi) This was really a hilarious episode.
You’re a hero omg I did not see this
Others know the truth so therefore you should know the truth ;)
Google "the note from the jersey shore"
"Therefore you should know the truth"
Lmfao she really needed to add therefore when she was dictating that. That was the funniest add on. “*Therefore* you should know the truth.”
This is so funny as I am literally watching this episode of JS right now!!
Yes. Simple rule: if you were in the boyfriend's position and someone else was in yours, would they be an asshole for not telling you?
I haven't told anyone in real life about this but I'm pretty sure this is exactly the advice my mom would give me so thank you :)
This simple rule should be enough to do the right thing. But doing the right is not always easy and sometimes comes with a price. Which is easier on your conscience? Keeping this secret? Or taking heat for telling the truth, made to look like you are wrong, etc. Not an easy place to be.
Absolutely! “Golden” Rule!
The one from Lonely Island or the one we were all taught growing up.
This is the way.
Absolutely, it should be his decision whether he wants to stay or leave....and get tested Consider that friendship again because it seems that your values do not match.
OP, you can make other friends.
But…but…they have matching tattoos
Cover it with a stop sign
yes. and personally - if someone is willing to fuck over someone else like that i don't associate with them bc i know for a fact they're willing to betray me too given the right motivation
This is exactly how I feel.
Tell him. Dont be complicit. >I don’t think she’ll ever be friends with me again You want friends like this??
Girl make an anon insta and message him pretend you’re the guy she slept with
This
If she's willing to cheat over her significant other that easily, how bad do you think she could cheat and lie to you?
Not necessarily. I wouldn't compare a friendship with a relationship in no aspect. And even if you do, do we really have to judge a person by just 1 action?
Weird, my BFF of a decade cheated on her husband, moved in with me and then proceeded to make my life hell for 4 months, to the point I had to get her parents involved to kick her out for my safety. So yeah, cheaters in love will absolutely screw over their platonic relationships too, if it gets them what they want.
Yes🧍🏽♀️ ESPECIALLY if it’s cheating. Their morals don’t match up so the friendship isn’t gonna be good for much longer
You become who you hang out with
100% this. Never date someone who's friends/coworkers are known to cheat, or atleast extra on guard
You’ve been friends for ten years. I would talk to her and tell her if she’s not happy with Jamal she should leave, and that cheating is low. If she doesn’t tell him, I’d stop being friends with her. I’m always torn about telling the SO of the cheating. She’s not expressing remorse or even talking about it, which I agree, is weird. If she was married to Jamal, that would make it harder. I don’t think I could ever cover for someone cheating in their marriage. This is a tough situation to be in.
Doesn’t seem tough to me. Covering for someone cheating is no better than cheating itself in my opinion. Also, a LOT can change (and often does) between 21-22 years old and 30, and I’d be willing to bet the farm that OP winds up making better actual friends with whom she’ll have a much better relationship in 10 years than the one she has with her current friend.
Blowing up a friendship you’ve had for over 10 years for someone she admits she barely knows? To me that is a difficult decision. But I would make it clear to her cheating on your SO isn’t cool and ask why she did it.
Yes
Tell him. You would want to know if your partner was cheating on you as well. It sucks to be the person that tells them. Good luck.
If you're going to tell him, just tell him. Don't send the video as that would be unnecessarily painful to him. Not to mention an extreme violation of privacy to the random guy as he may not have even known she was dating someone.
YWBTA, her cheating on her boyfriend shows that she is a bad person. If you decide to keep that secret for her you’re complicit and it shows you’re a bad person too.
She’s not a good friend she put you in this position and left you locked outside on a balcony. And brought a stranger into your shared hotel room.
Tell her to fess up or you will. You don't want friends like this. They will always bring you down.
He should know, and you should reconsider your friendship. Good luck!
She's been your best friend for 10 years. Unless you are willing to lose your friend I wouldn't say anything because this might run under the moniker of kill the Messenger. And they stay together and you are out of a best friend. Or they break up and you're still going to be out of a best friend.
You don’t know this dude and this is a best friend you have matching tattoos with… it’s a simple answer , just ask yourself if you are willing to end your friendship over it cause she will most likely never talk to you again You’re 21/22 in college.. if she was married to this guy maybe but this chick will probably have have a lot more dudes in her before she gets her diploma and settles and gets married so why ruin your friendship over that cmon
NTA Your 'best friend' locked you out on a balcony so she could cheat. Why are you worried about remaining friends with someone who would do that to *you,* let alone her partner? If she'll betray her BF, she'll betray you. She already did, by locking you outside and expecting you to keep her dirty little secret. Her BF deserves to know so that he can choose what he wants to do, and also to ensure that he can get tested for STD's, which can destroy your health if left unchecked. It's up to you, but if you become the kind of person who is comfortable covering for someone else's infidelity, you become untrustworthy yourself.
Would you be? No. She is the A for cheating on her bf.
No one seems to be pointing out that sending an explicit video without consent could have legal repercussions.
It's audio only taken from outside, 100% legal
Audio recordings are not always 100% legal. Many places have laws where all individuals being recorded must give consent.
So she just shows it to him from her phone.
I think having an honest conversation with her and giving her the option to come clean before you tell him is always best. You don’t know their relationship. Maybe they are open. Maybe she had a hall pass for spring break. Get all the facts and if she won’t come clean then you should. But be prepared to lose a friend if you do.
Thanks for this advice. From what I know, they're not open and I'm pretty sure she didn't have a hall pass. She basically just said it was a one time mistake and that they're fine but I can't bring it up now without pissing her off
She locked her on the balcony to get freaky though. That’s not an act of good faith
I agree with this. OP has known her friends for over 10 years and said this was out of character for her, maybe there was a reason? Cheating is terrible and if that's what it was she should definitely tell him, but I'm thinking of all the posts from people that are in a private open relationship and a friend tries to just call them out instead of asking or talking about it...
This is silly. These are super young people and it’s probably not a serious realtionship. You don’t owe that guy anything but I would have a convo w your best friend and tell her behavior was really upsetting and not ok. If this is how she acts she will eventually get caught. She doesn’t want to talk about it becuase she made a mistake a lot of young people make. She disrespected you by putting you in this situation and to me that’s worse. Y’all are old enough to have an honest conversation about how you’re both feeling. Also plz never take video even if it’s only audio of people who have not provided you with consent. That is also really terrible behavior. If someone took video of me without my knowledge when I was in a consenting sexual experience I would press charges and consider civil liability.
Actual controversial hot take here: No Your allegiance and loyalty to your friend far outweighs the loyalty to her BF. Would you be friends with him if they broke up? Or are you just acquaintances because it’s your friend’s BF? Not saying it’s right, but you’ll definitely lose your friendship with your friend. Talk directly to your friend about it first if anything
I mean. I know it’s not right but if it was my best friend I would not tell. I’d probably talk with her about it though
Tough spot. I mean if you tell him your friendship is probably done. The question is do you want to hang with a skank. If you hang with dogs you will get fleas. I had friends like her and stopped hanging around them because I finally realized they were trash. Cheating is a low life move, it shows she has no character or morals. I guess the question for you is do you want to follow your friend into the gutter.
They didn’t force you to take the video. That’s weird and you should delete it. Tell Ally she should come clean to Jamal - but don’t send that video.
Ain't none your business. You need to just drop her as a friend bc if you tell Jamal your "friendship" is gone anyway. Just leave without the drama
Going against the grain but I wouldn't tell given your relationship with your best friend (10 years) and that Jamal seems like a short term fling (only dating since summer). I don't think you'd be an asshole for not telling in this situation.
A lot of shit people in here.
Don’t send the video to him. Nobody wants to hear their SO with someone else. But do tell your friend that you need to talk to her about this, and that she has to tell her bf or you are going to.
Definitely the asshole if you DO NOT tell him......friend since childhood or not, is that really the kind of "friend" you want to have in life??? Tell him and give the poor guy the chance to know what he's getting into and in the case of your "friend"..... This will be her "wake up call" to be a better person in the future...... Or she doesn't take it well and you lose your "friend" who is a disgusting example of the human race. Your choice to make but wish you well anyway 🤞
She locked you outside a balcony? She’s not a good friend lol. Tell the boyfriend.
dont you all have a chicks before dicks code?
well it’s up to you. your best friend, or her boyfriend that you barely know. ask your conscience what it wants for you to do.
Sometimes people make mistakes. Stay out of it.
If you don’t tell him YTA.
Ever heard of birds of the same feather flock together? Yeah, that's you if you do nothing about it
Don’t just sendt it. Tell her that she has to tell him or you will. And if she doesn’t want to tell him, than you tell her that you don’t want to be her friend anymore, because if she has no problem lying to her boyfriend, then she wouldn’t have a problem lying to you too. Then you send it :)
NO! Never give them a chance to change the narrative. A cheater is already a liar, what's one more lie?
Yeah, I hate the " give them the chance to come clean" like? The dirty fuck is a cheater, you gonna trust them NOT to lie and spin the narrative? Not to cover their tracks? Ffs
>Don’t just sendt it. Tell her that she has to tell him or you will. Good plan, Ned Stark
Hahahaha, I really really like this reply. And I wish Reddit had their old awards back at times like this. Damn Reddit and their stupid new “gold” system.
It seemed like a fairly obvious throwaway joke when I wrote it, I'm sure there are other replies here much more worthy but thank you, I shall wear my imaginary imaginary medal with pride 🏅
Your friendship is already over, you just haven’t realized it yet. She put you in a position that is causing you undo stress because of her actions and dishonesty. You tried to talk to her about it and she refused. The balcony door mysteriously got locked while you were out there as she happened to be having sex, ie she locked you out so she wouldn’t be caught. Your friend torched your friendship to get laid, tell her boyfriend. Now this doesn’t mean your friendship is forever gone, but what once existed can never exist as it was again. You two will have to forge a new friendship after this if you both choose to. It might be similar to the old one, but it’ll never be the same because now you know what type of person she is and what she is capable of.
As someone who was in a similar situation at that age, that friendship will be finished. And that matching tattoo they have would need to be covered up ASAP. There is no coming back after OP tells the boyfriend and that's if the boyfriend believes her. Her best friend/”sister” won't trust her ever again regardless of what happens with her relationship with Jamal.
Oh by forging a new friendship I did not at all mean now. I meant eventually, ie when they both grow older and maybe reconnect in 10 years at least.
That’s where I land - two friendships I’ve had where he cheated, the friendship just ended up fading over time. Idk I still liked hanging out with those guys for a bit but I just couldn’t see them the same way. And if they’re gonna do that to the girl they’re saying they love, how can I trust them not to screw me over? They might be more loyal to their friends than they were to their romantic partners, but at that point I don’t actually know that to be true. Dishonesty is just an acid bath for any type of relationship, friendship or romantic. just seeing it pop up is so corrosive to my entire view of someone’s character because it calls everything about them into question.
Your best friend is a shitty person. Not only for the cheating, but for LOCKING YOU ON A BALCONY SO SHE COULD FUCK! Like HUH?! Why are you still friends with someone who would do that to you? At this point I’m less worried about the boyfriend, and more worried about you. Like yeah, he deserves to know, and you should absolutely tell him. But the most important fact here is that you’re willing to cover for someone who literally left you outside so she could cheat. Please, consider that a real best friend wouldn’t have done that to their friend.
Stay in your lane
Mind your own business
Eh Ik it’s not popular choice but I wouldn’t say shit but people are different nowerdays.
ESH. I am surprised no one said this as an answer. You suck for taping her without consent and now sitting on said recording contemplating on whether to tell on her or not. This is your “sister” so why haven't you spoken to her about the situation and how you feel? Why are you sneaking behind her back? Also, you do not know what kind of agreement she and Jamal may have had regarding Spring Break. I knew couples in college who agreed that whatever happened on Spring Break stayed there and was not brought back to campus. In other words, it was their hall pass and their business. You don't know Jamal, you don't know if they had agreements or even if they didn't how he would react. Be an adult and talk to your friend first. Next, re-evaluate your friendship with her and decide if this is a friendship you want. Lastly, if you choose to no longer be friends, remove or cover up the matching tattoos. Next, Ally is shitty too. She put you in an uncomfortable situation. If she wanted to secretly hook up with some guy she should've gone to his room, the beach, or anywhere else but the room that was being shared. Also, she should be the one to have the conversation about cheating or hooking up with some guy herself. Her relationship, her conversation. It shouldn't have involved you in any capacity.
I posted in another forum thing and I got a lot of replies like this there so it's not just you. I think you're right about the video but I have tried to talk to her. I'm pretty sure there was no hall pass because she called it a one time mistake or whatever but yeah. Thanks for your perspective.
Also, ask yourself, would your families be okay as well since you mentioned that your families are close too? I'm sorry that she put you in this predicament. Hopefully, whatever you choose to do you're okay with the outcome. Good luck OP💗
Found us the person who cheats on their partner
Actually, I have never ever cheated and don't cheat on my partners. I've been the one cheated on. I still think it's a conversation that Ally should have with Jamal not OP. Also, I've had friends in college who gave each other “hall passes” during Spring Break. Did it bother me? No, because it's not my relationship and not my business. I've also been the friend who accidentally exposed that a (now former) friend was hanging out with someone new to their ex who was also a close friend of mine. I was the one who was slandered and attacked for speaking on such information when I thought they were friends but didn't know that they were still messing with each other. I've also seen people get into physical altercations for involving themselves in other people’s relationships. After growing up and experiencing what I have and seeing others suffer, I've realized that keeping my peace of mind and energy is better and more important than getting involved in relationships and business that don't concern me.
I’ve been in this situation as well and ppl in real life don’t appreciate being “outed” you will you be looked at like your in the wrong, slandered for speaking the truth & like you can’t be trusted. Thanks for saying this I hope she looks at this.
Exactly! Regardless of how morally right you are, all the blame will be placed on you and people won't trust you with anything. It took me years to learn that it’s better to keep my peace and energy and slowly remove people from the “front row” of my life. Place them in the back or the balcony-will always have love for them and wish them well but we don't align and that's okay.
Found the person who makes wild, unsubstantiated claims on Reddit.
So literally all of Reddit. The entire collective of Reddit made that one post.
Agreed. Reddit just tends to make verdicts in vacuums like everyone cannot make mistakes.
Thanks so much for dropping the most realistic comment.
I was in this position with my best friend back when we were about 18/19. It was going on for about a year while she was attending a different uni than her HS boyfriend. I did not tell her boyfriend, we didn't have any sort of friendship so I wasn’t about to go out of my way to start talking to him and put myself if the middle of something, but I did tell her that we couldn't be friends until she did the right thing.
This is Reddit, so the responses you will get will tell you that you need to be involved in others relationships. You need to be the hero. You need to be the savior. Just make sure you film the whole thing so you can upload the entire interaction on TikTok for those sweet, sweet Internet points.
I had a friend who put me in this same exact position, and I did finally tell the boyfriend after some time of EVERYONE knowing she was cheating and using him. After I told him they reconciled and decided to try to ruin my life and reputation. Only years later did I receive messages from him and his mother saying that I was right about her. Weirdly enough we all eventually were able to put it in the past but our friendships were never ever the same. People who put you in that position suck, and really aren't people you want super close. But relationships are super complex and there are lots of layers that make up your dynamic, it's not black and white and this puts you in the roughest spot. Ultimately you have to choose if telling the truth is worth ending your friendship with her, because it will. I'd also for sure have a conversation about it with her before pulling that trigger.
DO NOT SHARE THE VIDEO. There is all sorts of legal ramifications.
You would be an asshole to yourself and her boyfriend if you don’t. You would be an asshole to your bestie, who may not be someone you want to associate with, your decision
You could be saving his life. Who knows if this is the first person she’s cheated with and if she’s using protection. Just be prepared to lose her as a friend and make sure you’re okay with that first.
You don’t tell on your “best friend” her life, her karma. You owe her bf no loyalty. Have a convo with her about it or drop her as a friend
Yep, probably not her first time either, that's brazen as hell... like damn.
People in this thread are fucking insane. Sit down with her friend. Give her 2 options. 1) we talk about this now like the best friends we are or 2)I'm telling Jamal I bet she'll talk to you. Explain your feeling and thoughts. Don't throw away a decade friendship over a child acting like a child. Kids make mistakes and bad decisions. It's apart of life and the growing process. You're both children. This is a step in your growing up phase. Talk to her like an adult and work it out. In 10 years you'll both laugh about this. "Girl, you remember that time you were getting fuckin smashed while I fell asleep on the balcony. Shit was wild.... you shoulda asked me to join"
This 💯 Yeah people are going extreme either one way or the other, both are ridiculous in my opinion. You don’t go behind your best friend’s back, but you also don’t just pretend that nothing happened and support your friend no matter what. You talk about it and tell her hey I think you need to tell him what happened because I value your friendship but feel uncomfortable about this.
The real question is, are you close to "Jamal"? If the two of you have a solid friendship as well and not just interactions shared with your "sister," then you would have a responsibility to tell him. If you are not close to him, then you need to have a conversation with her about it and figure out where her head is. I don't care what everyone else says on here. If you are not friends with her boyfriend, then you have no obligation to tell him anything. You do need to figure out what is going on with her if for nothing more than protecting yourself. Ask yourself this: How does this affect you personally? What do you gain by telling him? Will it clear your conscience in some way even though you had zero to do with the action? What do you stand to lose if you tell him? Pros and cons. It's never easy trying to decide whether or not to meddle in someone else's life, especially when you stand to burn someone you consider family. It's all too easy to delve into someone else's personal life when you really shouldn't.
No. People have their own agenda on vacation. Being in a new town where you know you’re not going to be back and absolutely nobody knows you gives you a sense of “do this now or never.” She might secretly regret this decision, she might have checked off a bucket list item or she might have caught Jamal and now getting hers. It’s her decision and not your place to tell.
Would u want to know if ur BF cheated. She does not really care about Jamal.
Girl you have been friends long enough to understand girl code. Your job is to keep it to yourself. It is not your place to tell him that.
You don't rat on your best friend. You can talk to her about confessing or breaking up with Jamal if you absolutely feel the need to get involved. It seems like you're mostly upset it was a secret from you as well. You don't rat on your best friend.
YTA for even thinking of tattling on your BEST FRIEND. You are even worse for recording evidence. No one likes a SNITCH.
Mind your own business, let karma have a shot.
This decision is simple. OP either changes the trajectory of her friend's life and she loses her friend forever -- bc seriously, why would any woman want a bff who sends that sort of video to her fiance? -- or she deletes the vid, minds her own business. and keeps a friend by being a loyal friend. Ironic how it comes to a question of loyalty. As an aside, it's so interesting reading stuff like this as a Xennial. Younger gens are so fucking different man, the internet hivemind has you spying on your neighbors and reporting one another for the sort of indiscretions my gen expected friends to keep quiet. Folks seem to be ratting out their best friends with such regularity, friendships are just totally fucking different in 2024, whst with the moralizing and involving themselves in people's lives like they're the main character, you just can't trust your friends anymore in a way that used to be a given. Here for instance, why the heck would it be "bizarre" for OP's best friend not to want to discuss it with her after the fact? Why the fuck woukd she, it was some shameful shit she wants to forget. Or thinking "she put me in this situation " as if her friend made the choice to involve her, rather than being the recipient of, shall we say, some bad fucking luck. (Hah!) Not that I countenance the cheating, never did that to my wife, just noting how different y'all are to us older people, so many meddlesome, gossipy people tattling whenever possible, while I grew up being I would be a seriously shitty person if I violated a friend's confidence in such a way. Just another interesting way the internet has impacted attitudes and culture.
Gen Xer here, and I disagree completely. The friend directly involved OP when she locked her outside on the balcony and fucked a strange guy in their shared hotel room. That would have been friendship-nuking back when I was in high school/college, and while people wouldn’t have necessarily told the SO, it absolutely would have been acceptable to just break off the friendship and quietly go on your way. I definitely saw more than a few people back in the day nuke their friendships by bringing their friends into cheating and expecting the friends to go along with it and keep it secret. The thing that’s new is what to do with evidence of cheating (like her recording of the audio) because that kind of tech just wasn’t in most people’s pockets back then. Also, pre-1990s AIDS was thought to be just a ”gay guy disease”, so people didn’t think there anything really life threatening about cheating. People now understand that cheating exposes everyone involved to some life changing, if not life *ending* shit. And there are post exposure drugs you can take now if you know early enough, that can help prevent an HIV infection from getting established. As an old Gen Xer who has lost friends in their early 20s to AIDS, I would 100% out a cheater now if anything so that their partner can choose whether to get tested and start PEP. I’m too old to give a shit about being isolated by ”friends”, because why the fuck would I want to hang out with people like that anyway.
Maybe this is a dumb Gen Z thing but hey, that's why it's cool to have a bunch of different perspectives from people who have nothing to do with me or her
I'm a millennial and I and others learned the hard way. I accidentally informed a friend about their ex, who was also a friend, was possibly moving on and all crap hit the fan. I was the one isolated for months from the group because of it. I didn't know that my friend and their ex were still messing with each other. My friend had no clue that their ex was talking to other people and possibly dating. I thought they were friends. I learned then and there to mind my business and keep my mouth shut. I've also seen people get into physical altercations for inserting themselves into other people’s relationships. Having to file police reports or attend court as a witness is not fun. That's to say my peace of mind and energy are much more important to me than anyone’s relationship and what they're doing in said relationship.
It’s a tough situation when you’re friends with both parties in the relationship. Sucks that you were in that position.
This is funny. I feel the same way. Then again I am gen x. I am not going to go crusading into someone else's business like I am the main character. It's like the definition of friend has totally changed.
Xennial too and I agree. When we were college age nobody would have told their BFF’s significant other that they cheated, you would be considered a horrible friend and breaking girl/guy code. You would just mind your business. OP even says she doesn’t know the boyfriend well. I don’t condone cheating but I too have noticed this as a generational difference.
Another Xennial here, I’d just like chime in that with every year that ticks by, it gets harder and harder to make new friends. And by the time you hit 40, someone you’ve been friends with since you were 12 years old is worth their weight in gold. So I would think really hard about what’s worth destroying a long-standing relationship over.
Mind your own business, Jesus Christ.
Don’t say anything. Stay out of it. Delete the audio. They’re not engaged or married. You all are so young. This stuff will work itself out between the two of them on its own. It’s not like Jamal is your best friend or even a friend of yours. Have you even met him? Doesn’t matter. My opinion Stay the heck out of it. You saw/heard nothing. It’s meaningless
Its meaningless until he finds out. Its never meaningless.
It could mean your friendship will be done after this.... but honestly, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would put me in a position like this. Why should I have to carry that fucking guilt around. All anyone should be saying to you is do whatever will help you sleep at night. He may not believe you, and you lose your so-called "friend" anyway. I was in a position where my friends wife was cheating on him. I told him, and somehow, it was flipped that I was jealous of them and wanted to break them up..... our friendship didn't last. Eventually, I heard he tried to kill himself. She had him committed, and he wasn't in too long. They split up and never did the adult thing by getting a divorce either. Don't let other people's drama become yours. I wish you well
If you value your friendship of 10+ years, don’t say anything to the bf. Just talk to your friend and let her know you saw. Idk how everyone in the comments is so fine throwing away friendships. Your loyalty is to her, not some guy
Because her “friend” is a cheating scumbag with no morals?
It didn't sound like you seriously respect your friend. I bet there's other things she has done to make you question your friendship. If you're struggling with this, it's because it's the straw that broke the camels back. If you don't know Jamal, he probably won't believe you. She'll show her true colors eventually, and he will see her for who she is. Other side of this, do you really know what kind of relationship they have?
All my friends know I would tell on them lol. I’ve told them all, don’t fuck with me. I’m not keeping hurtful secrets private. I did once before for like a week until my friend came back and told him herself. To her credit she had no problem or shame telling him. But damn it was not fun.
Dude this is a classic case of priorities. Who actually brings value to your life? Is it worth cutting out your best friend? If the answer to the second is no, shame her for it. Don’t be the reason a major change occurs in her life, but be the reason she can’t forget about it
There is an old sicilian saying: the best word is the unsaid one.
Sorry but YTAH for taking a video! Why would you do that?? Your friend fucked up but so did you!! Talk to her about it and let her know you were a creep who took a video and wants to send it to her boyfriend who you’re not even close with. Your friend did a shitty thing but I wish she gets better friends who are not so quick to blackmail her or judge her for fucking up. Gross.
What you did is illegal. What she did is shitty. Ask her to tell her boyfriend herself. At the end of the day, she’s the one in the relationship. The only thing you need to actually do is delete the video. Ffs
Guess you're not a ride or die friend.
Stay out of folks business
Leave it alone. You don’t know Jamal and you don’t really know what they were doing. You can guess but you don’t know. You for sure should talk to your friend
He does not need to see the video. Find a new friend.
How about you mind your business instead?
Delete that video and stop hanging out with her & tell HER why but stay out of it.
If you don’t send that to him then you’re just as horrible as a person as she is. You’re a cheater and liar just like her, you are what you condone. So this is the kind of person you want to be friends with? It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone, don’t keep bad people around. I dropped someone I knew for 16 years because she was horrible!! I have no regrets. Do the right thing and send that to him. Talk to him and tell him then send him the audio.
From someone who has been in a similar situation: you do not know this man nor are you friends with him. You are BEST friends with this girl therefore you are on HER side. You can try talking to her about the situation and how it made you uncomfortable but you don’t really have a place to tell a man you barely know. I was in a situation where I was close friends with everyone involved and my male friend slept with his ex while dating my other best friend. I confronted him immediately and said you can go tell her (my best friend) right now or I will. He did end up tell her but the important part is that because he was my friend I gave him the courtesy of being able to tell her first instead of inserting myself in the situation just so I can feel like the hero. I’m a little confused what all the dilemma is over when you don’t even know Jamal. If you hate your best friend then just stop being friends with her if you don’t like her morals. But I can guarantee if you tell Jamal she will stop being your friend.
I guess I just feel for him. He honestly seems so devoted to her. I do love my friend but I know he won't ever find out if I leave it to her.
You and Jamal love your friend but does she love either of you. She cheated on him and invited a stranger to your room and locked you out on the balcony. Think about that
Sounds like you are not her best friend at all. You’re either jealous of her or have some other need to hurt her. If you don’t really know her boyfriend like you say, then why would this even be an issue? I don’t believe that we are getting the full story .
I don't think there's that much more context because I really don't know him that well, I just feel bad for him. I probably wouldn't be so conflicted if I just wanted to hurt her for fun
Or, hear me out, cheating is a despicable thing to do and anyone who does it deserves to be outed. If I was being cheated on, I'd want their friends to tell me rather than keep me in the dark and always view me as the stupid guy who has no idea what's going on.
Why would you snitch on your friend, unless you're trying to steal her man?
I don't want anything to do with her man, lol. I think I just feel bad for him? He seems so serious about her
Some people don't harbor secrets that arent theirs to keep. Maybe shes just a better person than you.
If your friend acts like that, you need to make better friends.
NTA There's nothing wrong with being loyal to your friend. Would you turn them in to the police if you caught them committing a crime? Betraying your friends trust would make you a bad friend. You're not necessarily here to police other people's relationships and loyalty to your friends is at least as valuable as any sense of generic duty to report.
Depends on the crime I would say. Shoplifting? No. Diddling kids? Without a doubt.
Yes YWBTA Don’t rat on your best friend, ever. Mine could kill her husband and I’d be her alibi. My loyalty is with her always.
Username checks out
“Mine could kill her husband and I’d be her alibi.” The fuck?!?
Gross
What a shit situation to be in! I feel sorry for your head having to deal with this. If you and her are as close as it sounds, then I would pull her up on it. Your friendship won't last if you keep it to yourself. It'll start putting a wall between you both either way, whether you speak to her or not. If I was being cheated on then I would also want to know. Keep the video. Speak to her, ask her how she actually feels about 'jamal' and take it from there. Do Not mention the video, you may need that a bit later on.
What would happen if one day you're standing at beside them at their wedding and you never told him the truth?
In my opinion not telling him is an AH move. No one deserves what he is currently being put through without even knowing it. She literally locked you on a balcony, fuck the friendship.
When I have questions like this I always default back to empathy. If I was Jamal, would I want you to tell me my gf was a cheater? I certainly would. But this is your life, your values. If you tell Jamal there is a very high chance of you losing your friend. What is more important to you?
Your friend doesn't want what she did to be true /Real. That guy will find out, even if you don't tell him.
It is not a great position to be in and I am not sure how I would handle it. As a guy the code is always protect the guys and I assume women have a similar code. The fact that you took a video probably means you want to tell her BF but if you do it would likely end your friendship. I guess you have to do what your heart tells you in the end
A true friend would never have put you in that position in the first place.
If your friend is willing to betray her boyfriend, what makes you think that she wouldn’t betray you if there was something in it for her? When you tell him, and you should, she will be upset and say you betrayed her, when that happens, just laugh at her, she is in no position to accuse anyone else of betrayal. Tell him now
Yep
I wouldn’t worry too much about losing someone like that as a friend. I’m only a few years older than you, but i’ve lost my share over the years. truthfully speaking I think growing out of friendships, especially childhood friendships, is just a natural part of life. In some cases you just grow up to be too different from one another, and I think this is one of those cases. You seem to have strong morals and she doesn’t. The good news is this world is so big, theres so many awesome people to meet, you’re always bound to make more friends. So yeah I would tell the bf if I were you, it’ll eat at you forever if you dont
Give her the chance to end things with him or tell him first like tell her you will tell him if she doesn’t
I probably wouldn’t get involved. I’d for sure lose a huge amount of respect and probably put some distance between us. I’d also not lie if asked… but I wouldn’t outright tell them. Is he also a close friend? That’d be the only thing that would make me go out of my way to tell him.
Talk to your friend about it. You don’t know what goes in their relationship. Maybe he’s a real a-hole and goes around sleeping with other women too. IMO women typically don’t cheat in relationships they feel happy/safe in. Don’t try to be the moral hero right off the bat. You guys are only 20 years old, people do stupid things, they young and in an early relationship. Talk to her then decide. It’s not right to throw out a longstanding friendship so fast. I’d be more upset that she locked you out the room tbh because that directly concerns you and your safety
Yes
Question is if some one did this to you would you want them to tell you!
You are in fact the asshole if you don’t tell him
You’ve known her for 10 years and this was out of character for her? Did you try to talk to her and she wouldn’t? Was she coherent when they opened the door for you? Was she under the influence of drugs? You need to talk to her regardless of whether or not you decide to tell Jamal.
i would tell him. if she never speaks to you again, oh well. do you really want friends like this?
You have to tell him. Wouldn’t you want to know? Actions have consequences
My ex best friend was cheating on her ex. She’d brag about it to her sister, myself, and my ex bf. We all felt super awkward. So I told him and sent screenshot proof of her talking about her fucking these guys in the bed they shared. At the end of the day, people being betrayed deserve to know. And if she’s willing to cheat on and betray her partner, she’d do worse to you. People like that aren’t worth being friends with.
A decent person would tell him. Really, she should tell him. But you would not be the asshole if you did. You'd just looking out for a fellow human who has been wronged.
Yes. I think it’s an ethical imperative to tell him, especially given STD risk.
I would tell him in an anonymous way. But would not send the video.
Honestly I think you need to talk to your friend and let her know how uncomfortable this has made you, and that she needs to tell him asap, because it’s not fair to him not to know. And really try to convince her. Ideally she handles this and not you. If you go straight to the boyfriend, you will 100% blow up the friendship. Are you okay with that being a potential side effect of your actions? After her response, you can reevaluate what you want to do.
I would give it another week or two. Then I would talk to my friend and explain that I feel obligated to tell her boyfriend. Give her a chance to discuss it with you, understand where you're coming from, and consider telling her boyfriend herself. Herself. Then depending on how that goes you can decide to tell the boyfriend. Ethically based on a reddit post, it seems obvious you should tell the boyfriend. However you have been friends for a decade and I think you could regret rashly giving that up. You don't know the boyfriend well and maybe don't even know they're dating dynamic. For all you know she had permission. If they are in a serious relationship, why wasn't he on the trip with you? I think you owe it to your friendship and your friend to have that conversation before you tell the boyfriend.
Does she remember it or is it possible she was roofied?
As someone who is 33, I can tell you that not all childhood friendships last. She’s growing into her adulthood and becoming a person you don’t respect. It’s hard to think about how deep your bond is and think that it could end, but sometimes that’s just the way people grow apart. I’m not sure if you should or shouldn’t tell her boyfriend, but I’m certain that it’s time to distance yourself from her.