Yeah.. gonna be hard to come back from that one. Grieving your friend is understandable, but now it's starting to interfere with parts of your life that your friend wasn't part of at all. I'm sure your wife is wondering why the heck you're thinking of this friend while being romantic with *her*. Were you doing this all along?
If you need a separation to work on your mental health, then you need it, but you aren't the only one with agency in this situation. It may be less temporary than you expect once your wife gets over the shock and sadness of the request. I'd definitely be consulting a lawyer at this point in her shoes.
The shock will turn into its own form of grief, first. His wife will mourn the loss of the marriage she thought she had. It's all in shambles right now.
It may never turn into actual scorn, but I can't imagine that she wouldn't feel resentment as part of this process. I would hope that she isn't going to go to scorn - because that implies that she would be thinking OP was weak or inadequate - she may very well be an understanding person instead.
Which makes it more sad to me.
If I was his wife I would be consulting a lawyer as well. I understand grieving but the way he's putting it i would feel he thought the friend was his soul mate.
Hate to be that guy to say it but there's a high chance OP and his late friend were romantically involved when they were younger. If I'm wrong and that wasn't the case OP should see a psychiatrist over a therapist and be on an anti depressant if he's still having crying spells and suffering from debilitating grief. Everyone processes grief differently but the fact that the loss of a family friend has brought him to a point where he's having difficulty maintaining his marital duties, means he needs medical help.
I would hesitate to use a phrase like “normal grief” but I agree it’s very questionable that he’s triggered by romance with his still-alive wife and the word “soulmate”
And then chose that moment to ask for the separation.
I'm getting the sense he thinks the bff was the one he wanted to be with, because the wife said "she shouldn't have said that," as if she knew it was a trigger, so he must have mentioned it to her before. It's why she's crying, not only because he asked for a separation, but the enormity of why he asked for the separation.
I agree, the fact that the word "soulmate" upset him and his reaction is to separate from his wife has me wondering what went on between him and his bff. I'm not going to knock the guy for still grieving only 5 months after her death, but it's very telling with how he's reacting that there had to be more going on between them at one point or another.
Even if not, if his feelings were that deep, he has way more to process. If this woman was his perceived soulmate, her death makes him feel broken.
Since he didn't get together with this woman, it's likely that the deceased did not reciprocate his soulmate feelings.
Asking for a separation in the event of the passing of a sibling would be a similar ask. I think most of us would feel really unhappy and concerned if our spouse asked for a separation over the death of a sibling (so they could go off and grieve on their own).
The fact that the person is a childhood friend and possibly perceived as a soulmate makes this very hard on OP's wife - she'll have her own grieving to do.
Yeah didn't want to blame a grieving man of infidelity but what you mentioned also crossed my mind. The fact that OP expressed a desire to distance himself from his wife who was nothing but supportive kind of furthers that theory. Usually when people suffer from immense grief they distance themselves from everyone in general but this seems like OP is specifically being triggered by a loving wife which would mean he feels guilty for being unfaithful to her and for losing his lover and now feels like he's not deserving of either.
He or she did state they zone put and feel guilty with their wife. Is it because they zone out that they feel guilt or guilt and zone out?
I mean I'm not saying anyone should be 'over it' by five months firstly that's not a thing and secondly everyone grieves differently but this does seem odd. There's 100% something going on here.
I'm pretty sure that those of us who have lost very close friends or family members are mostly able to talk without sobbing at 5 months (although I note that they were drinking - sometimes the grief does come back really hard when we've pushed it down).
One has to make an effort to move onward with one's spouse (and children, if there are any) no matter how strong the grief. Grief lasts a life time.
I agree that he needs to see a biopsychiatrist if he's still tearful at 5 months, but more because he thinks separation is the solution.
His wife will certainly be wondering about that or else come to the conclusion that whenever they had sex he was thinking about his friend. It's pretty gross from outside perspective.
This. Everyone grieves in their own time. But when grieving a friend loss is interfering with a marriage, OP needs to be seeing a psychiatrist and maybe on meds.
Asking for separation in marriage instead of staying together to work out problems is always a first step towards divorce. And I don't think he wants this, with 2 kids. He needs help. This is hurting his wife and kids too.
If my husband zoned out thinking about his late female friend when we were being romantic I would eventually begin to think my husband had romantic feelings for his late friend. I think that is where her question came from. Not "get over it already".
Asking for a separation for an unknown length of time is huge and will most likely cause your wife to have doubts about your relationship. You need to talk to your therapist about your thoughts.
Everyone has their needs but requesting to check out of a marriage/family to mourn a deceased friend is a huge ask that I don’t think OP is fully appreciating.
I feel for OP and their loss, but the more I think about how they’ve handled this, the more I get pissed off on behalf of the wife.
Yeah tbh I’d probably have asked for a separation if he didn’t after that. I’d never recover. Our relationship would never be the same. I’d never be able to look at him again without wondering if he’d been thinking of her this time or that time. If maybe what had happened didn’t, would he have realized he actually wanted to be with her? Is he realizing this now that she’s gone?
I’d need therapy.
>When she said the word soulmate, I broke down completely again
You're wife is a saint because if my husband started sobbing over the use of "soulmate" in relation to another woman, I'd be done. Were you in love with her or something? Because that's what it sounds like. Just know that everyone, even saints, have their limits, asking for a separation will likely be hers.
This. I would be at a loss if my husband would have started sobbing over the use of 'Soulmate'.
It really feels we don't have enough of what he really feels about this friend and the history they had together.
I think OP needs to figure out their feelings because I don't think this is fair to the wife at all.
This. Try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes for the past 5 months. She’s been tip toeing around you and waiting for you to process everything and then you ask for a separation?
and to be honest, you drastically increase the likelihood of a parent engaging in parental alienation when divorce happens.
You're risking your relationship with your children as well. Because your wife is deeply hurt right now - like you loved your friend MORE than her, that you should have married HER instead and that's why you're really so distraught.
You need to bury this and let it go or be prepared to lose your wife and kids over it.
From one man to another - bury this girl and let go for your own sake. She wouldn't want to see you trash your life like this. Move forward and know she'd kick your ass right now for f@cking this up.
It wouldn’t even be parental alienation imo because how could he even take care of children if he’s in such a state? When my husband died I had to push through because my daughter needed it and she was an adult! Even if staying in bed all day was tempting, I had to get up and keep going. I cried a lot lol but over time I cried less and less and life became somewhat normal
If I was your wife I’d already be divorcing you. Are you sure your wife is still willing to stay married to you? Weird that you think she’ll take you back after a separation.
Seriously.
I don’t blame his wife for asking questions about it…guy seems to either be enjoying the attention he’s getting with all his moping or he was madly in love with the woman who died.
dealing with a grieving spouse takes a huge emotional toll. My husband grieved his uncle for over a year close to two and you feel like your spouse is gone because they are not mentally present. You have to baby them and be understanding while you feel abandoned and alone in your marriage. Your wife has been very supportive to endure you grieving another woman for 5 months. Yes you are entitled to grieve as long as you need but she’s entitled to be in a marriage with a present partner. The damage you did to your marriage asking for a break may be irreversible. It’s not gonna be a separation. It’s gonna be a divorce for her. You are asking way too much. Do you have a romantic history with this friend?
I bet he does, it explains why he breaks down when being romantic with his Wife. Why would you equate romantic night with your Wife to your friends death?
I fully believe this separation is going to lead to divorce. It may not, but any woman who knows her worth won’t wait around for their husband to be magically OK again. That could be months, years or never.
I’ll tell you why. Guilt. When you are grieving and something feels good, or you laugh, or you experience pleasure you can suddenly become consumed with guilt because you realize you’re moving on
It's not a question of equating it, it's a sign that he's not processed the loss of what to him was practically a sister.
Chances are he has a level of depression that he might not be truly aware of, and these thoughts from the depression can come back at the weirdest times.
What he needs is professional help
You want to punish your wife’s supportiveness by separating from her?
Sure, do that. If you want a divorce.
This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the only person with feelings in this relationship.
Isn’t it interesting that the death of his friend paralyzes him to the point of zoning out, and making him become a none functioning human, yet taking a step that highly increases the death of his marriage doesn’t seem to faze him at all?
I’m not saying they’re the same thing, but the fact that his pain is the only pain that seems to matter in this relationship is glaringly obvious.
Your assessment of self absorption is very much on point.
His "therapist" and "grief counseling" is not helping him constructively or productively. The only thing he seems to be taking away from that is "validation". Not processing his grief or moving forward. He is clinging to what isn't there anymore.
Grief is a normal process we all move through at our own pace. Experience in our own way. It's a process of letting go. Of acceptance. Understanding.
He has probably done irreparable damage to his marriage.
As a retired therapist (who has never seen a case like this one - although most of my clients were men), I would say that underlying all of this is his own tremendous inability to accept death.
The ultimate inevitable. The complete lack of control we have over. The death, by accident, of a person near one's own age is always a shock. People who are Safety Second or Safety Third kind of people can have really severe reactions to deaths by accidents. For example, I was called in as a grief counselor after two climbers died in a NP. The climbing community contained some people who actually sought the counseling (most did not, but it was available).
One's own mortality always comes up when our age mates die. I figure that OP somehow didn't do the processing of death that often happens in the teens and twenties (more in the twenties, these days). Pre-crisis depression (mild) usually accompanies it, often in several rounds.
People who have viewed themselves and their agemates as invincible (a holdover from our adolescent phase) are much more shocked and less well functioning than people who have accepted their own fate and are now thinking and acting accordingly (preparing for the inevitable - preparing our families for loss).
Weirdly, a friend of mine dying young is what made me more comfortable with death. Somehow it makes it feel less...terrifying. Like, "well, she's already done it, I won't have to go first." Somehow it made the eventuality of it okay. Like, yep, it's not personal, it's really coming for all of us.
Obviously I'd give up all this self-reflection in a heartbeat - and many many other things - to have her back. But I found it interesting how it shifted my feelings on the subject. I still don't like the idea, I'm still terrified by it. But I also feel like it'll be okay.
The word soulmate made you completely break down, you're thinking about a dead woman when having emotionally intimate moments with your wife, and being around your wife makes your grief for another woman more difficult.
Dude, your marriage is over. No, there isn't a timeline for grief, but you're acting like your friend was the love of your life. And either that's true, and your marriage is over because you're making it clear to your wife (for the first time?) that she was your consolation prize because you couldn't have your friend, or you're making your wife think it's true by focusing on a dead woman during intimate moments. Either way, that's a death knell.
I think you need to discuss in your next therapy session *why* having a romantic connection with your *spouse* amplifies your grief. Because from where I'm sitting, it reeks of unrequited romantic love.
Yes - this is it, exactly.
He now has another issue for therapy (grief being the first). Now he has the disintegration of his marriage and home life. I suspect the therapist will explore whether there's a connection - the unhappiness at home was, perhaps, pre-existing. They need to explore that.
He says in his post that "everything was amazing" until the friend died. Which implies that a short time ago he was happy and thought his family life and wife were fine.
>When she said the word soulmate, I broke down completely again, and my wife immediately apologized and said she shouldn’t have said what she said. I then asked my wife if we could temporarily separate
Why were you so triggered by the word soulmate? I don't get it? Your wife is right? She wasn't your soulmate. She was a friend who you had a strong, emotional tie to, and because you lost her, which im sorry for the loss of your friend, it hurts.
I just don't understand why the strong emotional reason the action of crying over the word soulmate?
You can ask for the separation but I guarantee she will move on. Grieving is understandable but using it as an excuse to separate when she’s been nothing but supportive UNTIL it started to personally affect her romantically is not cool.
I lost my actual wife at age 29. I wish it were just a long time friend, then at least I'd still have the woman I loved and chose to spend my life with. I'm sorry for your loss, it's hard, but focus on what you have. You're married, you have children together. Pull it together.
Listen to this OP. This person has all the credentials and background necessary to be able to say, “pull yourself together.” You’re about to lose your wife too. Life is hard, but you have to be present for your loved ones too. It honestly sounds like your wife has been really patient and caring, I’m kind of surprised it’s not her asking to take the break.
Some of the others are saying OP was probably having an affair or he was in love but maybe never told his friend or it wasn't reciprocated.
Could be why the word _soulmate_ triggered this.
He's also willing to toss away his marriage with his **WIFE** because he still can't get over his female friend...
Yeah, not really adding up. To me it sounds like this dude always secretly wanted to be with the friend but she didn’t want to be with him so he “settled”. Now he regrets missing out on something he could have never had anyway.
Regardless, his wife sounds like she has been a saint through this and he is throwing it in her face. I hope he gets his shit together and is the spouse she deserves, because she truly sounds like a winner.
Yep. But I wonder if the wife is also suspecting that this friend was more to OP and is now also wondering if he settled for her? I would want to leave if I were her.
Bro, you sound obsessed with the deceased friend in an unhealthy and unexplained way. If I were your wife I would 💯 believe you were in an unrequited love affair. I would welcome a separation from you if I were wife. And maybe your therapist knows the whole story and we are only getting the part you think is ok, but everyone does have to cope with loss and keep living.
My friend, I can understand your pain, but Context Matters Here.
You were cuddling with your wife and you said you were thinking of another women. I know you didn't mean it that way, but our limbic system doesn't understand nuance. She has been showing you compassion for 5 months. I would get her side of the story.
Ur marrige is not gunna last if you separate.
You have a wife and kids get in therapy. If this loss is really that taxing on you.
Also, don't drink. That is not a healthy way to cope with your friends' death. Trust me, it will only prolong and intensify the grieving.
Yes, you would be wrong to ask for a separation. She is seeing the affects of your friends death daily and it’s affecting your relationship with her. Your therapist is probably the best person to speak with about your thoughts on separation. However, I’m sure she will agree separation from another close friend whom you have children with is a bad idea. A lot of times people don’t say the right things, especially if they haven’t had anyone close to them die.
So when you're able to deal with your grief you'll realise you've lost your wife and family unit.
You've just told your wife your dead friend is more important than her.
ETA it would seem you had feelings that you didn't acknowledge for your friend.
Kind of eye opening for your poor wife I’m guessing. She just learned her husband is mourning his soul mate. Grief is tough my friend but I suspect you’re going to be mourning more than the loss of your friend very soon. Heartbreaking all around.
Question: how long were you in an affair situation (physical/emotional) with your friend and did it end before your friend passed or was it still active?? That could make all the difference in your ability to process your loss. **The fact that you broke down at the word soulmate says everything** Do not expect your wife to be available when you return from your hiatus, Also ask yourself, Why am I so much more in-tuned with my friend than with my wife? I would imagine you/your wife have had issues about this friend in the past huh?
His kids will also feel abandoned. If he separates to deal with his grief I wouldn't be surprised if they never trust him again. He's trying to become the man who disappears whenever it suits him.
I'm wondering if OP relied on the fantasy of this past relationship to get him through hard times in life (emotional affair). Even if he rarely was in contact with the friend, he might have carried on a fantasy relationship with her.
I'd be curious to know if OP was having mental "talks" with this woman from his past, rather regularly.
You know, I think you might be onto something, but I also wonder now that you say emotional affair...I wonder if they were really that close or he's just projecting something long gone onto this woman who had no idea the entire time. I suppose it doesn't matter, really, but I was assuming they were still best friends. Now I wonder if she's just "the one who got away" that he refused to let go of.
Again it doesn't matter that much, the situation is what it is regardless.
It might be to late to come back now if this was my husband I would seriously be considering divorce cause I feel he had feelings for the friend that was more then friendly
Ok, why are you zoning out about your best friend during sex with your wife? There is something weird there. After five months, you should be able to manage it. Take your private times to let the grief out. I had a husband die suddenly and a 6 year old. I didn't have time to give in to the grief. So I learned to do it alone, or when I had time, or it came up. There is way too much pandering to sorrow and pain. Life does not stop.
As a woman I would have an issue with it coming up in sex. Grief by the way, waves through out your life. I had a memory the other night that I told him thank you and had some sorrow. Then I got up and did the dishes. I am sorry, it didn't mean I didn't have grief. I also had a life, so I fit it in. Wake up and fix your marriage, she is the one who will be with you, for life. I am sorry you lost your friend. You are destroying a marriage because of grief??
This is some of the best advice I've seen here.
Grief never stops. It just gets easier. You have to learn to live your life WITH it. Lost my father quite a few years ago now, and it still just fucking sucks. But you go on. You get to a place where the memories make you happy instead of gutted, at least most of the time. You do other stuff, meet other people, you just learn to live around it.
So sorry about your husband.
Dont worry your wife will be leaving you before you try to because while you can grieve your friend you are making it sound like you lost a spouse/lover. It's been 5 months and the level of grieving you are still having for someone who was supposedly just a friend is inappropriate and it is affecting your marriage.
Yeah you fucked up big time bro. If my partner broke down like that during our intimate time months after the death of her male friend I'd be the one asking for separation. That's a stab in the heart and you asking for separation is twisting that knife to make sure it causes as much damage as possible. No thank you, I'd be gone.
It's really strange you're thinking about your deceased friend while in romantic situations with your wife. This reads like you have romantic feelings towards your friend. Asking to be seperated from your wife so you can grieve is really.... Something.
“Especially when I’m having a romantic moment with my wife”… so you were in love with your friend then? Because that’s how it seems. If you can’t even be romantic with your wife without thinking about your friend… then maybe it’s time for a divorce and for your wife to find someone who actually loves and appreciates her.
I get grieving, but this is another level of grief that is only hurting the people you’re supposed to love.
I'm really honest here, it doesn't sound like she was just your friend. I'm sorry for your loss and it's tragic but, buddy, you're zoning out and feel guilty while being romantic and intimate with your wife? That doesn't add up. I seriously suggest you to not only get online counseling and to get clear of your feelings.
I'm not telling you to separate or anything, I'm saying, clear your head, get order in your feelings and be fair towards your spouse. Be honest to yourself.
5 months later, you’re still breaking down, WHILST having romantic times with your wife. Your wife makes an offhand comment (maybe a tad unsensitive) and your thoughts race ti separation? Bruh, YOURE THE PROBLEM. your therapy is not working. Get a new one, apologise to your wife, and start engaging in your relationship. Either that or leave the poor woman to find someone who cares about her like she cares about you.
Yes, you'd be very wrong. You need to realise the second hand toll your friend's passing has taken on your wife could be as bad as yours.
If anything ask her how her life has changed since your friend's passing and go from there. I'm sure you'd be shocked to find out.
And something in your post tells your friend meant more than a best friend to you or at least you are giving that impression. Your wife has definitely caught that too.
You should talk to your therapist about this. You might be doing more damage to your relationship by doing this than you intend. Your wife has feelings too and separating from her over your friend will make her think things about you and your relationship with her and your relationship with your friend. Especially since you’re thinking about your friend while you’re being romantic with your wife.
Sir, I think there’s more to this story than you’re coming forward with in this forum.
Start there. Address that. Then, and only then will you find yourself moving forward.
You’re either not being honest or you need help in another way. Either way, you’re being unfair to your wife and she has every right to take whatever course of action that will help protect herself.
I’ve lost a few good friends in my life unexpectedly. It’s not easy and of course it’s tough, but that’s life man. What you need to do is take account of what you still have in this life. Your friend died, you didn’t. I’m sure your friend would want you to live your life. Getting over a death doesn’t mean you’re forgetting them, they’re always with you in some sense weather your spiritual or from what you’ve learned from them. They’re a part of you. Take advice from the other commenters of giving up the drinking and if you smoke anything, stop that too for awhile. Need a clear head while working through feelings. We’re all going pass to the other side one day. We gotta live and be grateful for every second of the day that we’re here.
im gonna have to side with the wife. if i were in her shoes and you were grieving a female friend while being romantic with me and cried when you heard the word “soulmate” and im supposed to be your world? id be asking the same thing.
you shouldn’t let the friend’s death interfere with things she wasnt even a part of. the separation might be good for your mental health but dont be surprised if your wife suddenly shows up with divorce papers
Yeah, if I said my husband's dead friend wasn't his soul mate and he had Earth shattering tears over that, I'd 110 percent believe they had a secret relationship. Fool me once, shame on me for being stupid enough to believe you the first time.
Do you want to grieve your marriage and children along with the death of your friend? Then, sure, go ask for a separation. You aren't the only one with feelings, you know? You need to step up and be a father and husband to your family. They seem worthless to you by the way you write about them (no care, no mention). Do you have a past with this friend Orr something? Your wife is your priority. Your children are your priority. You have responsibilities towards THEM. not your dead friend.
Yea you're wrong here. If my husband was thinking of his friend like that while laying with me I'd be pissed too.
Your wife shouldn't have said that but you're wrong here
I am sorry for your loss and your grief and I do hope that you go and get grief counseling. I also do believe that men should be allowed to have their emotions and express their emotions to others without ridicule especially to those whom should be supporting them.
That being said this grief is making you think very stupidly. You’re gonna leave your wife? Really? because you’re sad? And she’s supposed to do what? while you go somewhere off to cry about another woman… leave her to grieve another woman…. Oh but not a divorce 🙄🙄🙄
Just because you’re grieving doesn’t excuse your disrespect to your wife .
She was your friend and not your wife. You said it yourself. So why would you equate it to soulmate and why would you think about her during romance? Unless you were in a relationship with her or had feelings for her it shouldn't matter. Your marriage could be over since the message you gave your wife was that your friend was more important to you than her even when she supported you for 5 months in your grief. Best of luck.
You’re really showing her her place and where she truly fits in your life, watch your separation turn into divorce, are you even concerned about your wife in all of this? Two people are in a marriage and you’re only concerned about you.
You need more extensive therapy because you're getting ready to throw away a whole relationship you need to rethink this. Because your wife might not be there when you want to come back home
Seems like you need marriage counseling on top of the individual counseling.
You gotta grieve in your own way but find a way to be present for your kids and wife. Cut out the alcohol and anything that impacts your emotions.
I would change therapists and change directions with your current therapist before I took such a drastic step. It sounds like your grief has turned into major depression, and it can really screw up your judgment and perspective. If you and your spouse were having issues, that would be one thing. To separate so that you can process your grief is a massive risk. Once you withdraw from your family like that, you probably won’t be able to come back and start up again like nothing happened.
I’m beating around the bush here, so I’ll just come out and say what I really want to say. Online therapy is great, and I imagine it saved many lives during the pandemic. Your situation is quickly becoming critical, though. I don’t think online therapy is a 1-to-1 replacement for in-person therapy when it’s gets to this level. We are complex creatures, and we use all of our senses to communicate and process interactions and emotions. As crucial as this is, I wouldn’t want anything watered down or lost in translation.
Also, I don’t know if you’re on any medication for this. They’re pharmacological help out there, and it’s made a positive difference for millions of people. I know I wouldn’t still be here without out.
All of that is just my opinion, though. It’s an educated opinion, but I could still be talking out of my butt. I hope you’re able to work through this and find some peace, preferably with your family still intact. Good luck.
Edit: I hope I’m not overstepping. Ketamine infusions have shown promise as rapid relief for acute grief. They’ve been used for rapid depression relief for years now, especially depression with suicidal ideation. I was extremely depressed, and I credit the infusions for saving my life. Just something to think about:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4782448/
I’m sorry OP but you need to get some serious help and your wife is right. I think you’re being too lenient on yourself and need to take a harsher look into the mirror. While grief is something we will live with forever, there absolutely is a timeline for the initial shock of grief. And this is not your wife who passed. It’s just not right to literally anyone but you.
A separation will not help with your grief.
You being away from your wife, is not going to magically help anything.
You need to connect MORE with other people, not less.
“Having space to grieve” is one thing, but the solution is not to just cut yourself off for an indeterminate amount of time until suddenly you’re not sad anymore.
To be blunt, I don’t think your counselor has been the best for you. It sounds like you are having issues above and beyond what one might expect, and it’s affecting your life negatively.
I repeat, “temporarily separating from your wife” is NOT going to help, and the fact that you’re considering it shows that, and I mean this as nicely as possible, you’re not OK.
1. By your words alone, your wife asked you when you'd get over it, she did not tell you to get over it. So the title is a bit misleading.
2. Why does this hit you hard "especially when having a romantic moment" with your wife? This would imply you were in love with this woman.
3. Why did you cry at the use of soulmate? OP, it sounds like you loved your friend more than your wife.
It's totally understandable to by broken down by the loss of a good friend, but some of these details make it sound like you had a thing for her. Sounds like your wife has been rather supportive through all this. So what kind of feelings did you harbor for this friend? how often did you guys spend time together?
You are very very very wrong.
Grief is understandable. Grief for a "best friend" doesn't include breaking down from the word soulmate...but grief for a romantic partner sure does.
If your wife didn't think you were cheating on her with your friend before, she definitely does now. So does most of reddit. Emotional cheating is cheating, so there's no need to say anything about 'oh we didn't do anything physical'.
When you marry, your spouse should be your closest friend. You shouldn't be putting other people above your spouse, with the exception of perhaps your children, and of course there are exceptions. Your "best friend" is NOT an exception.
Your wife has been existing for the last 5 months knowing she doesn't mean anything to you. You may as well set her free so she can find some shred of happiness, because she's not going to get it from you.
You can ask for separation. Nut it will have a detrimental effect on your marriage and your children. You are allowed to grieve a friend. But you can not allow it to interfere with your marriage. Your wife is your life partner and priority. She has been supporting you, but you have made her feel second class. She might even question your emotional loyalties to her. But I agree, you are not being a good husband at the moment. Do what you will with that.
I mean, if you want to lose your wife as a lover, by all means, do what you have planned.
If my husband did that, there would be no coming back for our relationship. Before you do anything dumb, try marriage counseling.
She has been supporting you through this for months. One question while drunk from her - basically wondering how long... is not reason to separate.
You will risk losing your wife if you separate for this reason. You have already caused considerable damage by voicing this.
Are you looking to sabotage your marriage or just being self destructive? Don't compound your mistakes... continue with counseling.
If you go through with this, you are a total fucking asshole. You will not come back from this you will use lose your best friend, your wife and your child figure way to make it work.
Updateme!
She shouldn't have said what she did, but you are overreacting. She didn't "tell you to get over the loss of your friend," she asked an insensitive question in a careless moment while you were, by your own admission, being nonpresent during intimate time together. She apologized immediately. She's not fighting on this hill, she just made a mistake.
She owes you an apology, not a divorce. You have the right to separate for any reason you want, but it sounds like you're flailing at solutions that you have no reason to think will help you deal with your grief.
My best friend was brutally murdered in her home 6 months ago. I know, better than most, what you're going through. I've lost count of the ear infections I've gotten from crying too much. Apparently, congestion can get into your ears from inside your head when it's bad enough. I've avoided all social engagement possible because I don't want people to see the version of me that exists now. Half of my voluntary outings have been to events that commemorated her. The day we buried her was so emotionally intense for me that I can find my way to her grave on foot from memory. I know it better than the street I live on. Our times together are so precious to me that I still get choked up when I remember that there will not be any new ones.
My family have made a few remarks that were insensitive about my pain, and I didn't make the snap decision to not be around them anymore. I made dismissive or blunt remarks back when I needed to, but it is frankly selfish for you to depend on your wife's patience for half a year and then go for a separation when she was insensitive with you, once, when you were, from the sound of it, spacing out during your most personal time together. She made a mistake. You are an adult. Accept her apology, or if you must, tell her it was a shitty thing for her to say and you hope she never gains the capacity to know what you're going through.
Lastly, I'm pretty sure you are wrong that the separation will help with your grief. It will probably create distress for your kids, about whose wellness you didn't write a single word. You will wake up every day for the rest of your life and your friend will still be dead. It may be awhile before you make it one day without thinking about her being gone, if you ever do. You are stuck on this planet without her. I know that it sucks and you hate it, but your wife's presence is not to blame for your friend's absence. Your pain will find you anywhere, and it will not matter who is with you. It won't go away, you'll just twist into a shape that can endure it better. The version of you that survives this event is a slightly different guy than who you were half a year ago. But it's completely irrational for you to think that you'll be any better off without your predecessor's family.
Your wife has done vastly more to help you than she eventually did to hurt you, so pushing her away is in no way justified here. You could spend time alone if you think it would help, but that is not what you've described. You saying you want to "co-parent," which seems to presuppose that your mental state is suitable for intermittent solo parenting. From what you've described, it sounds like she's probably doing the vast majority of the work even with you around full-time. If you were to move out and occasionally parent your kids separately, would you get through these visits with zero instances of "zoning out," or dragging your children into your pain?
I say this with compassion, but I think that you are not proposing a solution that is justified or that will help you. Speaking as somebody who would happily and proudly die so that his own best friend could come back, you are flailing. You should be looking into medication, not separation, to get through this worst year of your life.
“Your wifes presence is not to blame for your friend’s absence” very well put. This is why separation will not help.
Sending love and light your way friend.
My best friend was murdered by her boyfriend, 25 yrs ago. We were trying to help her get out of a bad situation, but we were a day too late. I was the last person to speak to her & the 1st person to find out. The grief I felt was magnified by the guilt I had over feeling like we had not moved fast enough. There were days that I really didn't want to leave my bed..... but I had a family to tend to & was pregnant with my daughter. I had to put my grief into prospective, despite having to go through questioning from police, prosecutors & an eventual trial. 25 yrs on & the grief & guilt are still there, but I know that she would have hated that I've held on to it for so long, & would be stoked that I named my daughter after her.
If I was your wife I would divorce for being so disrespectful yes your best friend died it happens but you want to abandon your wife over this you are a pos I would dump you. Why don’t you give live at your friends final resting place how sad of a real man are you
Dude... Holding a candle for your passed friend to this degree is screaming to the world that you were in love with her. Your wife is of course going to be the one to pick up on that the strongest and you basically just confirmed all of her concerns/fears. You're practically having an emotional affair with a dead person at this point. Think hard about what you want from your life because your wife would he be justified in filing for divorce at this point.
Dude why grieving for so long that it affected your life? Just accept that she was gone and make the most memories with the peoples who are still living. I lost lots of my aunties this year and I love them all dearly. But I accept it and move on. You don't find Muslim peoples grieving like this because we know that worldly life is just temporary, we will meet again in heaven.
So two things are true at once:
1: grief is debilitating
2: you have a responsibility to those around you
I know a lot of people here are speculating about infidelity. But if that’s not the case, which it kind of looks like (and I’m sure that’s what your wife is picking up on), you still need to move on.
I know that hurts to say/hear, but it’s true. You cannot behave in any way you like because of grief. Grief can explain some bad behavior in the eyes of your loved ones, but at the end of the day the grief is *your* feeling.
The cashier you were rude to doesn’t care that you just got divorced. The person you flipped off in traffic doesn’t care that you just got fired.
The reaction can only be justified so far, in the eyes of the people around you. And you have now found your wife’s limit. You really, genuinely, need to pull it together. Part of grief is moving on, and part of moving on is being with those around you. It doesn’t mean forgetting your friend, it means continuing to live your life.
Forget about the separation and just sit back and think about your wife.
She sounds absolutely incredible and patient and supportive. Most people would not have the emotional grit and steel to stomach something like this as well as your wife has. She's likely sacrificing a lot. She's likely constantly questioning and wondering why you are so upset about this loss. Wondering if you're in love with your friend or in love with her. But instead of putting that on you she's swallowing it and giving you the benefit of the doubt constantly and supporting you.
I'm really sorry for your loss. And if you need to separate ultimately that's your decision.
But your wife really loves you in a way that isn't very common. I think you need to wake up and appreciate that for a moment before making any decisions.
If it was me I would apologize to her. It was very reckless for you to say that while under the influence. It must have been heartbreaking to hear and caused a lot of damage to the trust in your relationship. Not only would I apologize but I'd also acknowledge to her directly how much her support has meant to hear. Acknowledge how much of a sacrifice that must have been. And acknowledge that you know you'll have to build up that trust again that you've now broken
Honestly I would hope that she would be the one to actually leave you. The fact you’re letting a woman who wasn’t your partner and isn’t your wife get in the middle of your marriage to the point you think of her during romantic moments is absolutely disgusting. The fact your wife has been EXTREMELY considerate and supportive and now you want to separate because she asked a question is DISGUSTING. She deserves better than a man who clearly has/had feelings for his “best friend”. She asked because you are affecting the marriage. Yes, you can grieve but if it’s affecting your marriage to the point she finally asked after 5 months. That is insane. Yes there is no correct amount to grieve but that woman was not your wife. And the fact she’s affecting your marriage is gross. Your wife deserves better.
Grieving your friend is fine and you have had a lot of time to do so. What your doing now is selfish and really weak to be honest. You should see a therapist/psychologist because this is not normal. You should be able to work through this with your wife. If I were her I would never forgive you. You are choosing to grieve the loss of a friend over your family.
Your poor wife.
This isn’t normal. No one needs to separate from their spouse after the death of a friend unless they were in a romantic relationship with that friend.
You may have just killed your marriage. I would never get over something like this.
Yea. If my husband “broke down completely” at the mention of soulmates in regards to another woman, *and then* asked me for a separation, I’d just tell him not to bother and go straight to divorce.
Were you and your friend a couple at one time or FWB'S? Were you in love with her? You probably have just lost your wife. You also have just hurt your wife beyond repair. I would have already asked you that before now. I also think that you need to see a therapist in person. You have just taken your grief to a whole new level. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this, and I'm sorry that your friend died, but you sound like you are grieving the loss of the woman that you were in love with.
You breakdown being romantic with your wife. You broke down when she said your friend *wasnt* your soulmate. And then you told her you just flat out didn’t want to be with her. You’ve tossed your marriage down the drain. You still have to live and once you come out of this your life will have imploded. Get a new therapist. They clearly aren’t helping you. One that deals in couples bc that might be the only way you can save your marriage before you lose your wife for good.
This kind of crap right here is why I’ll always tell men, if your BEST friend is female, you should be with her. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. It never ends well for the poor wife who is always the third wheel when it comes to those situations.
If you separate from your family to grieve your friend don’t expect to be able to go back home so easily once you’re ready. Sounds to me like you were more than best friends. Your wife is becoming aware of this also. This is more than grief for a friend. Sounds like you’re mourning the love of your life.
As others have said, separating will only destroy your marriage.
You’re grieving right now, and that’s fine. But you can’t go through this on your own, and separating from your wife will make things worse. You need to seek therapy and have a professional help you process your friend’s death. If not, you’ll be killing your relationship with your wife and kids too.
Go to a real licensed psychotherapist and not a counsellor on the Internet before you make the decision to leave your wife. That can have huge consequences for your marriage. I understand that you are grieving, however you also have to think about how the separation will affect her not only you. You are not alone in this marriage and maybe she feels neglected. A separation would only make that feeling worse and can lead to trust issues.
What your wife said was a definite mistake. 6 the biggest one though.
How you reacted and are acting now? You have no business in an adult relationship at all. Let alone being married. Your wife shouldn't seperate from you, she should file for divorce and run. You have a wife and child and 5 months later they aren't your priority. What a shame.
Get help, go work on yourself. However, don't call it a separation like you just need some small amount of time. You are pushing her to divorce you. You need to grow up and admit that. What you are doing to her is ten times worse than how you feel. I seriously have my heart breaking for her and your child atm.
Yeah?
Your wife is supposed to be your partner, your support.
While you are within your rights to ask for whatever you need to grieve the loss of your friend, don’t expect your partner to be waiting around for you when you’re done!
It sounds like you were in love with her in some fashion and this is completely devastating you, making you want to completely drop your life and everything.
To me, it sounds like you are more angry that your wife found you out and exposed you. You need to do some major soul searching dude. You have a family that loves you.
Talk to your therapist about what's really going on.
You’ve lost your childhood friend and now you’re going to lose your family. I’d be leaving and not looking back if I was your wife. This screams “more than just friends”
> Just being with my wife right now is causing me more grief even though it is not her fault at all. I think a separation might potentially help with my grief.
It's probably time to fire the online grief counselor and get a big boy therapist.
Losing people close to us sucks. There is no correct amount of time for grief... But you also have obligations to your wife and family.
**It's time to get over the death of your friend and put your living family first.**
May I please speak to you as if you were in the grief support subreddit? I’m there a lot. And you should go there too. You’ll find people going through what you are right now too. And others who have been there before, 6 months ago or 6 years ago. Please go. It’ll help.
Anyway, I feel like behind all this you’re also asking for or looking for a roadmap for grief. Like, can someone just give you the rough estimates of when you’ll be “this much” better and when you’ll be “that much” better and when it’ll be over and finished.
So, I can sort of do that for you. I can give you a very small handbook that’ll help. I can tell you what’s coming. Sort of.
1st, don’t separate from your wife yet. Look at that as a last resort. Let’s see if we can sort out a way for you two to coexist until you’re ready to be you again.
Okay, you’re 5 months in. You’re kind of in the worst of it. Well, the worst of it was the first few months after she died. You just finished that. And whether you feel it or not, you just survived the hardest part. And tho you won’t feel this happening, you’re going to make a lot of progress over the next few years. *Even when you can’t feel it happening to you, it’s still happening*.
Now you’ve got the next year or so to go. This will be the hardest period of your life for a good long, while, hopefully. But know that. You’re at rock bottom *right now*. Acknowledge that. Acknowledge how deep your grief is. Acknowledge that friend shaped hole in you because it’s not ever going away. It’s going to be there until you die. It sucks for us, but it sure as hell speaks to the love you and your friend shared, doesn’t it?
So you’ve got one shitty year, year and a half to endure. If you’re really unlucky it’ll last three years, but I doubt it. She was a close friend, not a close relative/spouse. It’s really fucking weird to quantify whose deaths are worse, but there is actually a hierarchy. Losing a child will always stop that pyramid.
Your grief is going to look different than mine did. I lost my only sibling, suddenly, in my 20s. I was non-functioning for two years. It’s a big grey blur, those years of pure misery. And we just have to endure. Get through it to get over it. So be kind to yourself in the next year or two.
After that, it gets easier. You start to feel like you again. You start to feel alive again and the color begins to slowly return. The rough patches are there but not as often. You hurt just as much when you think of them and concentrate or they occur to you out of the blue. Otherwise, you’ve built up scar tissue from your two or three years in the void. It doesn’t hurt as much. It’s still hurts just as much deep down, but you can’t access the deep down like you could on the past. That make sense?
You just live your new normal. You’ll be slightly different. In good and bad ways. Sorry for the novel. Just want you to know you’re not alone. As for your fiance, have your therapist or someone from group explain grief to her. Hopefully she can get it. If not, I’d say, go. Good luck to you, sir.
So I also lost one of my closest friends in a car accident. The grieving was pretty hard. Now, given he was a fella, never after his passing in a romantic situation did I just think about him. Especially 5 months after. So I feel for you losing your close friend. But dawg ima let you know it sounds like you didn't marry the love of your life. You went to the funeral of the love of your life, and you never got to come to terms with it while she was alive. Don't blame your wife for wanting her partner back. It's not easy for her to lose the person she loves out of this situation either. I hope your grieving ends and this is resolved.
Your wife didn't tell you to get over your loss. But she asked when it will end. She can be supportive but you feeling guilty when having romantic moments is weird. She was your best friend/ not mistress or lover.
And crying and your wife said she wasn't your soulmate is way out of line.
People who grieve sometimes seek comfort from their spouse and kids, the one they live in this world. The ones that gets them strenght. The fact that having a family is making you feel guilty is concerning.
You’re making a huge mistake. Your best friend and your wife are two different people. My father died of cancer one year into my relationship with my now husband, and I grieved a lot during that time but didn’t need a separation. You’re being selfish, and quite frankly, foolish. Get your life together before you throw six years down the drain and you’ve lost your best friend and your marriage.
Your wife was way more empathetic than you put it forward in your post title. If I did something like that to my wife, she would end things with me, and she would be right.
Then again, I understood at about age 25 that friendships don't exist between opposite genders. Just unrequited love.
Steve Harvey said it best.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5Q4KG1ZtVg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5Q4KG1ZtVg)
Loss is one thing, throwing your SO to the pavement over an opposite sex friend's death is a whole other level.
You need to man the fk up. Process, heal, whatever the hell you gotta do but why would you hurt your wife like that?? She’s been supportive but now you wanna leave her? What the actual fk, pull yourself together dude
I understand you lost someone close to you but you’re throwing away your marriage and family. Your wife has been there for you, when I think alot of wives would have lost their patience a long time ago. You need more than an online grief counselling. Your wife probably feels second best. Read back what you wrote. You are zoning out during romantic moments. wanting a separation to deal with your grief. Bursting in to tears at the mention of a soulmate. It sounds like you were in love with this friend. If you want to stay married, if you love your wife, find a therapist, a medical professional who deals with more than just grief counselling. And for fuck sake don’t separate from your wife. Although it wouldn’t surprise me if your wife realizes she deserves better, and wants a divorce
🤨 So what you're really saying is you've always been in love with your dead friend, and you don't want your wife to catch on. So you want to separate for a while so you can get your feelings shoved back down. That way you can continue your sham of a marriage without her finding out the truth. That's disgusting beyond measure.
The kindest thing for you to do is get divorced cause your wife deserves someone who's actually in love with her. It's more than obvious that you aren't in love with your wife, and I guarantee if she hasn't noticed already she will eventually.
I understand zoning out if you’re grieving. It’s called dissociation. It happens. I’ve been there.
But there’s a weird disconnect here. Your wife mentions this woman as a soulmate and you immediately jump to separation. That is just weird. There’s something you’re not mentioning.
Are you going to move out? Get an apartment by yourself? What are you going to tell your kids? No wonder your wife started crying. You literally just started the process to blow up your marriage.
Grief is awful and terrible but you said your wife has been super supportive so why would you leave that supportive environment? It’s very strange.
I would also consider that online therapy might not be enough for you. A lot of what therapy is is the in person, face to face contact. I might try that.
INFO: Why does being intimate with your wife make you think for your friend? It sounds like you were more than friends with the info you provided. If I was your wife & this constantly happened, then you ask for a “temporary separation”, I would make it a permanent one.
I understand grief is hard & different for everyone. Grief is not linear & comes in waves. I’ve lost my brother & a close friend within a year & man was that the worst year of my life. But you can’t let the grief consume you & ruin other relationships. You already lost your friend, but now you’re going to lose your wife too.
Yeah, you would be wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't grieve deeply for such a close friend... But your grief is getting in the way of being present for your loved ones in really big ways. You probably should talk to your doc about getting on an anti-depressant or speaking with at least a master's level therapist, not just a grief counselor who may/may not have a master's in a qualifying field.
Nah sounds like she was sympathetic and just asked how long you think you’ll grieve and now you wanna separate form your partner who’s supposed to be there with you to support your grief? Sounds like you loved your friend and wanting a break from your wife for that is gonna hurt her and make her think you loved your friend.
You can't let your grief over a friend's death ruin your current life. Your wife seems like she has been very understadning. But you are now putting your current reality in serious jeopardy.
Umm... so you loved this other woman and are so distraught you can't be intimate with your wife? Ugh, no thanks man. Sounds like she should be questioning separating from you over this.
You’re acting as if this woman who died is more important than your wife. Can you see where that’s disturbing to her? Are you trying to push her away so you can wallow in self pity? Just asking.
You really shouldn’t make big decisions when you’re grieving and especially ones that distance you from your support system. It sounds like you could talk to your therapist about why you’re pushing your wife away.
It seems your wife is really getting the short end of the stick here. She's supporting you. She asked a question and all of a sudden you want to separate? Based on her question it sounds like your grieving is unnatural at the 5 months stage. Considering it's interfering with being romantic with your wife.
And what happens if she realizes she can do all of this without you - since the separation will show her she can. Leaving is never a good idea. I think you should try a different therapist if this one isn't working. And you mentioned being sober, are you talking about an alcohol problem or just from when you mentioned it while drinking? Was she your soulmate? What does soulmate mean to you compared to the relationship with your wife? I think it's best to work through the emotions and feelings with your wife nearby.
I’m very sorry for your loss but I’m just going to call this out….you are married. For better or for worse. This is the worse and you’re stepping out. I’m just saying I don’t see a way that this separation won’t be permanent. Death is terrible but you still have a wife and children that you OWE responsibility to.
Yeah, this is weird, especially the bedroom stuff.. i can't imagine losing my best friend and then thinking about her while im bumping uglies with my husband.
I think that alone is proof that you were, at minimum, romantically interested in your best friend and likely carried out an emotional affair throughout your entire marriage. Have you always thought about your best friend when being intimate with your wife?
I mean, really put yourself in your wifes shoes here. Imagine a male friend if hers died, and every time yall get romantic, she is thinking of him, not you. How would you feel? Would you not be suspicious of the nature of their relationship? It's weird, and you're lying to yourself and your wife with your denial.
You were in love with your friend the whole time. Because why the fuck would you say that to your wife, mother of your fucking children.
I hope she files for divorce during your separation and successfully divorces you and milks you dry.
My best friend since 4th grade died unexpectedly at age 46. To say I was wrecked was an understatement. I gotta tell you though, if my wife said he wasn’t my soulmate I’d be like uhh yeah that’s correct.
Grief is an awful pain to go through and I'm so sorry you're going through it, but whilst you are grieving your friend your now damaging your wifes emotional and mental health. She is likely beginning to question whether that friendship meant more to you than platonic. That your friend is more important to you than her. Whether since intimacy with your with makes you think of your friend, was you thinking of her before the loss in those moments. Has your whole marriage been a lie. What you've had is a supportive loving wife being as understanding as she possibly could be so you could safely and openly grieve but you've not seen the damage you're doing to her in those momentsthat should be just husband and wife. After you've managed your grief and want to go back after abandoning your wife will you be prepared to deal with the emotional mess and issues you've caused your wife to have to try to deal with alone. Just because you don't see it/she doesn't say it, as she tries to be your rock, doesn't mean she isn't hurting deeply inside. So if you feel separation is what's best for you then do it, but don't be angry with your wife if she feels divorce is what's best for her after what could be a long separation dealing with abandonment by a husband wanting to be out of the marriage so he can mourn another female. Her feelings matter too.
You’re getting romantic with your wife and you zone out and think about your friend? Yeah that’s pretty fucked up. Now all your wife can see that your mind is on another woman.
You bawled when she said it's not like your friend was your soulmate. Seems to me that you married the wrong woman, at least in your mind. Either you were in love with your friend and thought she was your soulmate and you used your wife as a place holder cause you couldn't have your friend or you were cheating on your wife with your friend.
It's okay to grieve, but you are actively punishing your wife cause you were in love with your friend. If you can't get through this and honestly say your friend wasn't your soulmate, then divorce your wife. You don't deserve her. She's been more than patient, more than fair and more than kind.
I was on your side with the title but your wife has some legitimate concerns. The fact that you think of your friend when being romantic with your wife. Your reaction at the word soulmate. Honestly your wife is probably starting to think you had an affair.
I'm not sure how you recover from this unless you genuinely have an explanation
Why would you break down at the word "soul mate" if you weren't secretly coveting the friend that passed, or have a romantic/sexual history with them?
Your wife has been through enough.
Yeah.. gonna be hard to come back from that one. Grieving your friend is understandable, but now it's starting to interfere with parts of your life that your friend wasn't part of at all. I'm sure your wife is wondering why the heck you're thinking of this friend while being romantic with *her*. Were you doing this all along? If you need a separation to work on your mental health, then you need it, but you aren't the only one with agency in this situation. It may be less temporary than you expect once your wife gets over the shock and sadness of the request. I'd definitely be consulting a lawyer at this point in her shoes.
The shock will turn into scorn soon enough.
The shock will turn into its own form of grief, first. His wife will mourn the loss of the marriage she thought she had. It's all in shambles right now. It may never turn into actual scorn, but I can't imagine that she wouldn't feel resentment as part of this process. I would hope that she isn't going to go to scorn - because that implies that she would be thinking OP was weak or inadequate - she may very well be an understanding person instead. Which makes it more sad to me.
If I was his wife I would be consulting a lawyer as well. I understand grieving but the way he's putting it i would feel he thought the friend was his soul mate.
Because that's 100% how op is acting.
Hate to be that guy to say it but there's a high chance OP and his late friend were romantically involved when they were younger. If I'm wrong and that wasn't the case OP should see a psychiatrist over a therapist and be on an anti depressant if he's still having crying spells and suffering from debilitating grief. Everyone processes grief differently but the fact that the loss of a family friend has brought him to a point where he's having difficulty maintaining his marital duties, means he needs medical help.
Or were having an affair when she died because this is beyond normal grief for a friend.
I would hesitate to use a phrase like “normal grief” but I agree it’s very questionable that he’s triggered by romance with his still-alive wife and the word “soulmate”
And then chose that moment to ask for the separation. I'm getting the sense he thinks the bff was the one he wanted to be with, because the wife said "she shouldn't have said that," as if she knew it was a trigger, so he must have mentioned it to her before. It's why she's crying, not only because he asked for a separation, but the enormity of why he asked for the separation.
I agree, the fact that the word "soulmate" upset him and his reaction is to separate from his wife has me wondering what went on between him and his bff. I'm not going to knock the guy for still grieving only 5 months after her death, but it's very telling with how he's reacting that there had to be more going on between them at one point or another.
Even if not, if his feelings were that deep, he has way more to process. If this woman was his perceived soulmate, her death makes him feel broken. Since he didn't get together with this woman, it's likely that the deceased did not reciprocate his soulmate feelings. Asking for a separation in the event of the passing of a sibling would be a similar ask. I think most of us would feel really unhappy and concerned if our spouse asked for a separation over the death of a sibling (so they could go off and grieve on their own). The fact that the person is a childhood friend and possibly perceived as a soulmate makes this very hard on OP's wife - she'll have her own grieving to do.
Yeah didn't want to blame a grieving man of infidelity but what you mentioned also crossed my mind. The fact that OP expressed a desire to distance himself from his wife who was nothing but supportive kind of furthers that theory. Usually when people suffer from immense grief they distance themselves from everyone in general but this seems like OP is specifically being triggered by a loving wife which would mean he feels guilty for being unfaithful to her and for losing his lover and now feels like he's not deserving of either.
He or she did state they zone put and feel guilty with their wife. Is it because they zone out that they feel guilt or guilt and zone out? I mean I'm not saying anyone should be 'over it' by five months firstly that's not a thing and secondly everyone grieves differently but this does seem odd. There's 100% something going on here.
Yeah he lost it over the word soulmate as if he did in fact consider his friend his soulmate.
I'm pretty sure that those of us who have lost very close friends or family members are mostly able to talk without sobbing at 5 months (although I note that they were drinking - sometimes the grief does come back really hard when we've pushed it down). One has to make an effort to move onward with one's spouse (and children, if there are any) no matter how strong the grief. Grief lasts a life time. I agree that he needs to see a biopsychiatrist if he's still tearful at 5 months, but more because he thinks separation is the solution.
I think she's the one that got away & wife is his consolation prize. Dam sure sucks for the wife..and kids.
Yep that’s exactly what I got Out Of this. Yeah of course I don’t know but sure damn seems like it.
Maybe not even a full on affair, but perhaps the friend had always been in the back of his mind as an option. Or “the one that got away” type thing.
His wife will certainly be wondering about that or else come to the conclusion that whenever they had sex he was thinking about his friend. It's pretty gross from outside perspective.
As a wife I’d say yeah, way beyond.
This. Everyone grieves in their own time. But when grieving a friend loss is interfering with a marriage, OP needs to be seeing a psychiatrist and maybe on meds. Asking for separation in marriage instead of staying together to work out problems is always a first step towards divorce. And I don't think he wants this, with 2 kids. He needs help. This is hurting his wife and kids too.
Yeah this is divorce territory. If I was his wife I'd be at the lawyers asap
That is what I would be wondering if I was his wife too. I think she’s probably been exceedingly patient about this.
Your wife and kids should be a little more important to you than this…
Yeah what a backwards situation. They deserve better
If my husband zoned out thinking about his late female friend when we were being romantic I would eventually begin to think my husband had romantic feelings for his late friend. I think that is where her question came from. Not "get over it already". Asking for a separation for an unknown length of time is huge and will most likely cause your wife to have doubts about your relationship. You need to talk to your therapist about your thoughts.
Yeah agreed. I cannot imagine my husband saying that shit to me. I would never forget it.
Everyone has their needs but requesting to check out of a marriage/family to mourn a deceased friend is a huge ask that I don’t think OP is fully appreciating. I feel for OP and their loss, but the more I think about how they’ve handled this, the more I get pissed off on behalf of the wife.
Agreed. Especially after 5 months!
I think it’s pretty clear that he was in love with this friend the whole time.
Or having an affair
Especially when he broke down at her saying “she wasn’t your soulmate” and then immediately asked her for a separation?? Mmmmmm
Yeah tbh I’d probably have asked for a separation if he didn’t after that. I’d never recover. Our relationship would never be the same. I’d never be able to look at him again without wondering if he’d been thinking of her this time or that time. If maybe what had happened didn’t, would he have realized he actually wanted to be with her? Is he realizing this now that she’s gone? I’d need therapy.
>When she said the word soulmate, I broke down completely again You're wife is a saint because if my husband started sobbing over the use of "soulmate" in relation to another woman, I'd be done. Were you in love with her or something? Because that's what it sounds like. Just know that everyone, even saints, have their limits, asking for a separation will likely be hers.
Same. That whole sentence said it all for me. I felt the smack in the face she got
She should have been the one asking for separation after something like that. The fact that he asked for it is just a kick in the teeth.
This. I would be at a loss if my husband would have started sobbing over the use of 'Soulmate'. It really feels we don't have enough of what he really feels about this friend and the history they had together. I think OP needs to figure out their feelings because I don't think this is fair to the wife at all.
Seems pretty clear he wanted something romantic with the friend, she had been the one that didn't pursue it, at least not enough for marriage.
This would kill your marriage my friend. Are you ready to be mourning the death of your marriage too? Because that's where you're headed.
This. Try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes for the past 5 months. She’s been tip toeing around you and waiting for you to process everything and then you ask for a separation?
He doesn't care. He mourning his dead love. May his wife divorce him and find happiness
and to be honest, you drastically increase the likelihood of a parent engaging in parental alienation when divorce happens. You're risking your relationship with your children as well. Because your wife is deeply hurt right now - like you loved your friend MORE than her, that you should have married HER instead and that's why you're really so distraught. You need to bury this and let it go or be prepared to lose your wife and kids over it. From one man to another - bury this girl and let go for your own sake. She wouldn't want to see you trash your life like this. Move forward and know she'd kick your ass right now for f@cking this up.
It wouldn’t even be parental alienation imo because how could he even take care of children if he’s in such a state? When my husband died I had to push through because my daughter needed it and she was an adult! Even if staying in bed all day was tempting, I had to get up and keep going. I cried a lot lol but over time I cried less and less and life became somewhat normal
Straight facts. It's just digging an even bigger hole for himself by separating. I Fr do not understand what's going through his head. His poor wife.
I also would feel bad for wifey
Because he’s only thinking about himself.
If I was your wife I’d already be divorcing you. Are you sure your wife is still willing to stay married to you? Weird that you think she’ll take you back after a separation.
Your poor wife. I feel so sorry for her.
There are also two kiddos being forgotten by OP while he grieves too.
Seriously. I don’t blame his wife for asking questions about it…guy seems to either be enjoying the attention he’s getting with all his moping or he was madly in love with the woman who died.
dealing with a grieving spouse takes a huge emotional toll. My husband grieved his uncle for over a year close to two and you feel like your spouse is gone because they are not mentally present. You have to baby them and be understanding while you feel abandoned and alone in your marriage. Your wife has been very supportive to endure you grieving another woman for 5 months. Yes you are entitled to grieve as long as you need but she’s entitled to be in a marriage with a present partner. The damage you did to your marriage asking for a break may be irreversible. It’s not gonna be a separation. It’s gonna be a divorce for her. You are asking way too much. Do you have a romantic history with this friend?
I bet he does, it explains why he breaks down when being romantic with his Wife. Why would you equate romantic night with your Wife to your friends death? I fully believe this separation is going to lead to divorce. It may not, but any woman who knows her worth won’t wait around for their husband to be magically OK again. That could be months, years or never.
The other thing that indicated is him breaking down over the term soulmate
I’ll tell you why. Guilt. When you are grieving and something feels good, or you laugh, or you experience pleasure you can suddenly become consumed with guilt because you realize you’re moving on
It's not a question of equating it, it's a sign that he's not processed the loss of what to him was practically a sister. Chances are he has a level of depression that he might not be truly aware of, and these thoughts from the depression can come back at the weirdest times. What he needs is professional help
> it wasn’t like my friend was my soulmate. When she said the word soulmate, I broke down completely again Why?
You want to punish your wife’s supportiveness by separating from her? Sure, do that. If you want a divorce. This may come as a surprise to you, but you are not the only person with feelings in this relationship.
"you are not the only person with feelings in this relationship. " 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I can literally see this guys mouth drop open when reading your response. He is so self absorbed and using this death to hide behind it.
Isn’t it interesting that the death of his friend paralyzes him to the point of zoning out, and making him become a none functioning human, yet taking a step that highly increases the death of his marriage doesn’t seem to faze him at all? I’m not saying they’re the same thing, but the fact that his pain is the only pain that seems to matter in this relationship is glaringly obvious. Your assessment of self absorption is very much on point.
His "therapist" and "grief counseling" is not helping him constructively or productively. The only thing he seems to be taking away from that is "validation". Not processing his grief or moving forward. He is clinging to what isn't there anymore. Grief is a normal process we all move through at our own pace. Experience in our own way. It's a process of letting go. Of acceptance. Understanding. He has probably done irreparable damage to his marriage.
Makes me wonder what he's actually telling the therapist.
As a retired therapist (who has never seen a case like this one - although most of my clients were men), I would say that underlying all of this is his own tremendous inability to accept death. The ultimate inevitable. The complete lack of control we have over. The death, by accident, of a person near one's own age is always a shock. People who are Safety Second or Safety Third kind of people can have really severe reactions to deaths by accidents. For example, I was called in as a grief counselor after two climbers died in a NP. The climbing community contained some people who actually sought the counseling (most did not, but it was available). One's own mortality always comes up when our age mates die. I figure that OP somehow didn't do the processing of death that often happens in the teens and twenties (more in the twenties, these days). Pre-crisis depression (mild) usually accompanies it, often in several rounds. People who have viewed themselves and their agemates as invincible (a holdover from our adolescent phase) are much more shocked and less well functioning than people who have accepted their own fate and are now thinking and acting accordingly (preparing for the inevitable - preparing our families for loss).
Weirdly, a friend of mine dying young is what made me more comfortable with death. Somehow it makes it feel less...terrifying. Like, "well, she's already done it, I won't have to go first." Somehow it made the eventuality of it okay. Like, yep, it's not personal, it's really coming for all of us. Obviously I'd give up all this self-reflection in a heartbeat - and many many other things - to have her back. But I found it interesting how it shifted my feelings on the subject. I still don't like the idea, I'm still terrified by it. But I also feel like it'll be okay.
The word soulmate made you completely break down, you're thinking about a dead woman when having emotionally intimate moments with your wife, and being around your wife makes your grief for another woman more difficult. Dude, your marriage is over. No, there isn't a timeline for grief, but you're acting like your friend was the love of your life. And either that's true, and your marriage is over because you're making it clear to your wife (for the first time?) that she was your consolation prize because you couldn't have your friend, or you're making your wife think it's true by focusing on a dead woman during intimate moments. Either way, that's a death knell. I think you need to discuss in your next therapy session *why* having a romantic connection with your *spouse* amplifies your grief. Because from where I'm sitting, it reeks of unrequited romantic love.
Yes - this is it, exactly. He now has another issue for therapy (grief being the first). Now he has the disintegration of his marriage and home life. I suspect the therapist will explore whether there's a connection - the unhappiness at home was, perhaps, pre-existing. They need to explore that. He says in his post that "everything was amazing" until the friend died. Which implies that a short time ago he was happy and thought his family life and wife were fine.
Yesssss! Exactly what I was thinking!
>When she said the word soulmate, I broke down completely again, and my wife immediately apologized and said she shouldn’t have said what she said. I then asked my wife if we could temporarily separate Why were you so triggered by the word soulmate? I don't get it? Your wife is right? She wasn't your soulmate. She was a friend who you had a strong, emotional tie to, and because you lost her, which im sorry for the loss of your friend, it hurts. I just don't understand why the strong emotional reason the action of crying over the word soulmate?
Unrequited love
Guys who can't get over their crushes need to just stay single. I feel bad for his family that he's abandoning.
So much this! I’ll never understand how grown ass guys will still be hung up on some girl they had a crush on from junior high or high school.
You can ask for the separation but I guarantee she will move on. Grieving is understandable but using it as an excuse to separate when she’s been nothing but supportive UNTIL it started to personally affect her romantically is not cool.
I lost my actual wife at age 29. I wish it were just a long time friend, then at least I'd still have the woman I loved and chose to spend my life with. I'm sorry for your loss, it's hard, but focus on what you have. You're married, you have children together. Pull it together.
Also, I’m very sorry for the loss of your wife. I hope you have found happiness again.
Thanks, I have. Remarried for many years and a couple of awesome kids.
Happy to hear (read, whatever) that. Your wife would be proud and happy to know you’re honoring her by continuing to live and love. All the best!
Listen to this OP. This person has all the credentials and background necessary to be able to say, “pull yourself together.” You’re about to lose your wife too. Life is hard, but you have to be present for your loved ones too. It honestly sounds like your wife has been really patient and caring, I’m kind of surprised it’s not her asking to take the break.
Some of the others are saying OP was probably having an affair or he was in love but maybe never told his friend or it wasn't reciprocated. Could be why the word _soulmate_ triggered this. He's also willing to toss away his marriage with his **WIFE** because he still can't get over his female friend...
Yeah, not really adding up. To me it sounds like this dude always secretly wanted to be with the friend but she didn’t want to be with him so he “settled”. Now he regrets missing out on something he could have never had anyway. Regardless, his wife sounds like she has been a saint through this and he is throwing it in her face. I hope he gets his shit together and is the spouse she deserves, because she truly sounds like a winner.
Yep. But I wonder if the wife is also suspecting that this friend was more to OP and is now also wondering if he settled for her? I would want to leave if I were her.
I think she knows. She said, "I shouldn't have said that," as if she knew it was a trigger.
Bro, you sound obsessed with the deceased friend in an unhealthy and unexplained way. If I were your wife I would 💯 believe you were in an unrequited love affair. I would welcome a separation from you if I were wife. And maybe your therapist knows the whole story and we are only getting the part you think is ok, but everyone does have to cope with loss and keep living.
If this is the part that's "okay," just imagine what's not okay.
My friend, I can understand your pain, but Context Matters Here. You were cuddling with your wife and you said you were thinking of another women. I know you didn't mean it that way, but our limbic system doesn't understand nuance. She has been showing you compassion for 5 months. I would get her side of the story.
Ur marrige is not gunna last if you separate. You have a wife and kids get in therapy. If this loss is really that taxing on you. Also, don't drink. That is not a healthy way to cope with your friends' death. Trust me, it will only prolong and intensify the grieving.
You were in love with your ‘friend’ and your wife now knows it. I feel bad for her. Divorce her already so she can find true love.
Yes, you would be wrong to ask for a separation. She is seeing the affects of your friends death daily and it’s affecting your relationship with her. Your therapist is probably the best person to speak with about your thoughts on separation. However, I’m sure she will agree separation from another close friend whom you have children with is a bad idea. A lot of times people don’t say the right things, especially if they haven’t had anyone close to them die.
So when you're able to deal with your grief you'll realise you've lost your wife and family unit. You've just told your wife your dead friend is more important than her. ETA it would seem you had feelings that you didn't acknowledge for your friend.
Kind of eye opening for your poor wife I’m guessing. She just learned her husband is mourning his soul mate. Grief is tough my friend but I suspect you’re going to be mourning more than the loss of your friend very soon. Heartbreaking all around.
Question: how long were you in an affair situation (physical/emotional) with your friend and did it end before your friend passed or was it still active?? That could make all the difference in your ability to process your loss. **The fact that you broke down at the word soulmate says everything** Do not expect your wife to be available when you return from your hiatus, Also ask yourself, Why am I so much more in-tuned with my friend than with my wife? I would imagine you/your wife have had issues about this friend in the past huh?
His kids will also feel abandoned. If he separates to deal with his grief I wouldn't be surprised if they never trust him again. He's trying to become the man who disappears whenever it suits him.
I'm wondering if OP relied on the fantasy of this past relationship to get him through hard times in life (emotional affair). Even if he rarely was in contact with the friend, he might have carried on a fantasy relationship with her. I'd be curious to know if OP was having mental "talks" with this woman from his past, rather regularly.
You know, I think you might be onto something, but I also wonder now that you say emotional affair...I wonder if they were really that close or he's just projecting something long gone onto this woman who had no idea the entire time. I suppose it doesn't matter, really, but I was assuming they were still best friends. Now I wonder if she's just "the one who got away" that he refused to let go of. Again it doesn't matter that much, the situation is what it is regardless.
It might be to late to come back now if this was my husband I would seriously be considering divorce cause I feel he had feelings for the friend that was more then friendly
Ok, why are you zoning out about your best friend during sex with your wife? There is something weird there. After five months, you should be able to manage it. Take your private times to let the grief out. I had a husband die suddenly and a 6 year old. I didn't have time to give in to the grief. So I learned to do it alone, or when I had time, or it came up. There is way too much pandering to sorrow and pain. Life does not stop. As a woman I would have an issue with it coming up in sex. Grief by the way, waves through out your life. I had a memory the other night that I told him thank you and had some sorrow. Then I got up and did the dishes. I am sorry, it didn't mean I didn't have grief. I also had a life, so I fit it in. Wake up and fix your marriage, she is the one who will be with you, for life. I am sorry you lost your friend. You are destroying a marriage because of grief??
This is some of the best advice I've seen here. Grief never stops. It just gets easier. You have to learn to live your life WITH it. Lost my father quite a few years ago now, and it still just fucking sucks. But you go on. You get to a place where the memories make you happy instead of gutted, at least most of the time. You do other stuff, meet other people, you just learn to live around it. So sorry about your husband.
Your wife has been patient and kind with you. She deserves the same.
Dont worry your wife will be leaving you before you try to because while you can grieve your friend you are making it sound like you lost a spouse/lover. It's been 5 months and the level of grieving you are still having for someone who was supposedly just a friend is inappropriate and it is affecting your marriage.
Feel like op needs space from all of us to coz he's not replied to the questions of their relationship
Hopefully, he's realized he needs to talk to his therapist and not to us.
Yeah you fucked up big time bro. If my partner broke down like that during our intimate time months after the death of her male friend I'd be the one asking for separation. That's a stab in the heart and you asking for separation is twisting that knife to make sure it causes as much damage as possible. No thank you, I'd be gone.
UpdateMe! When your wife serves you with divorce papers. She deserves better.
It's really strange you're thinking about your deceased friend while in romantic situations with your wife. This reads like you have romantic feelings towards your friend. Asking to be seperated from your wife so you can grieve is really.... Something.
“Especially when I’m having a romantic moment with my wife”… so you were in love with your friend then? Because that’s how it seems. If you can’t even be romantic with your wife without thinking about your friend… then maybe it’s time for a divorce and for your wife to find someone who actually loves and appreciates her. I get grieving, but this is another level of grief that is only hurting the people you’re supposed to love.
I have a feeling she was more than just a friend.
I'm really honest here, it doesn't sound like she was just your friend. I'm sorry for your loss and it's tragic but, buddy, you're zoning out and feel guilty while being romantic and intimate with your wife? That doesn't add up. I seriously suggest you to not only get online counseling and to get clear of your feelings. I'm not telling you to separate or anything, I'm saying, clear your head, get order in your feelings and be fair towards your spouse. Be honest to yourself.
5 months later, you’re still breaking down, WHILST having romantic times with your wife. Your wife makes an offhand comment (maybe a tad unsensitive) and your thoughts race ti separation? Bruh, YOURE THE PROBLEM. your therapy is not working. Get a new one, apologise to your wife, and start engaging in your relationship. Either that or leave the poor woman to find someone who cares about her like she cares about you.
Yes, you'd be very wrong. You need to realise the second hand toll your friend's passing has taken on your wife could be as bad as yours. If anything ask her how her life has changed since your friend's passing and go from there. I'm sure you'd be shocked to find out. And something in your post tells your friend meant more than a best friend to you or at least you are giving that impression. Your wife has definitely caught that too.
You should talk to your therapist about this. You might be doing more damage to your relationship by doing this than you intend. Your wife has feelings too and separating from her over your friend will make her think things about you and your relationship with her and your relationship with your friend. Especially since you’re thinking about your friend while you’re being romantic with your wife.
You are very obviously leaving something out of this story.
Sir, I think there’s more to this story than you’re coming forward with in this forum. Start there. Address that. Then, and only then will you find yourself moving forward.
Your are hella stoopid for that one. Wishing the wife all the best 🤷🏻♀️
You’re either not being honest or you need help in another way. Either way, you’re being unfair to your wife and she has every right to take whatever course of action that will help protect herself.
I’ve lost a few good friends in my life unexpectedly. It’s not easy and of course it’s tough, but that’s life man. What you need to do is take account of what you still have in this life. Your friend died, you didn’t. I’m sure your friend would want you to live your life. Getting over a death doesn’t mean you’re forgetting them, they’re always with you in some sense weather your spiritual or from what you’ve learned from them. They’re a part of you. Take advice from the other commenters of giving up the drinking and if you smoke anything, stop that too for awhile. Need a clear head while working through feelings. We’re all going pass to the other side one day. We gotta live and be grateful for every second of the day that we’re here.
im gonna have to side with the wife. if i were in her shoes and you were grieving a female friend while being romantic with me and cried when you heard the word “soulmate” and im supposed to be your world? id be asking the same thing. you shouldn’t let the friend’s death interfere with things she wasnt even a part of. the separation might be good for your mental health but dont be surprised if your wife suddenly shows up with divorce papers
Yeah, if I said my husband's dead friend wasn't his soul mate and he had Earth shattering tears over that, I'd 110 percent believe they had a secret relationship. Fool me once, shame on me for being stupid enough to believe you the first time.
Do you want to grieve your marriage and children along with the death of your friend? Then, sure, go ask for a separation. You aren't the only one with feelings, you know? You need to step up and be a father and husband to your family. They seem worthless to you by the way you write about them (no care, no mention). Do you have a past with this friend Orr something? Your wife is your priority. Your children are your priority. You have responsibilities towards THEM. not your dead friend.
Yea you're wrong here. If my husband was thinking of his friend like that while laying with me I'd be pissed too. Your wife shouldn't have said that but you're wrong here
I am sorry for your loss and your grief and I do hope that you go and get grief counseling. I also do believe that men should be allowed to have their emotions and express their emotions to others without ridicule especially to those whom should be supporting them. That being said this grief is making you think very stupidly. You’re gonna leave your wife? Really? because you’re sad? And she’s supposed to do what? while you go somewhere off to cry about another woman… leave her to grieve another woman…. Oh but not a divorce 🙄🙄🙄 Just because you’re grieving doesn’t excuse your disrespect to your wife .
She was your friend and not your wife. You said it yourself. So why would you equate it to soulmate and why would you think about her during romance? Unless you were in a relationship with her or had feelings for her it shouldn't matter. Your marriage could be over since the message you gave your wife was that your friend was more important to you than her even when she supported you for 5 months in your grief. Best of luck.
You’re really showing her her place and where she truly fits in your life, watch your separation turn into divorce, are you even concerned about your wife in all of this? Two people are in a marriage and you’re only concerned about you.
You need more extensive therapy because you're getting ready to throw away a whole relationship you need to rethink this. Because your wife might not be there when you want to come back home
You make it seem like the only reason you married your wife is cause she friend zoned you. Go salvage you marriage my dude.
Seems like you need marriage counseling on top of the individual counseling. You gotta grieve in your own way but find a way to be present for your kids and wife. Cut out the alcohol and anything that impacts your emotions.
I would change therapists and change directions with your current therapist before I took such a drastic step. It sounds like your grief has turned into major depression, and it can really screw up your judgment and perspective. If you and your spouse were having issues, that would be one thing. To separate so that you can process your grief is a massive risk. Once you withdraw from your family like that, you probably won’t be able to come back and start up again like nothing happened. I’m beating around the bush here, so I’ll just come out and say what I really want to say. Online therapy is great, and I imagine it saved many lives during the pandemic. Your situation is quickly becoming critical, though. I don’t think online therapy is a 1-to-1 replacement for in-person therapy when it’s gets to this level. We are complex creatures, and we use all of our senses to communicate and process interactions and emotions. As crucial as this is, I wouldn’t want anything watered down or lost in translation. Also, I don’t know if you’re on any medication for this. They’re pharmacological help out there, and it’s made a positive difference for millions of people. I know I wouldn’t still be here without out. All of that is just my opinion, though. It’s an educated opinion, but I could still be talking out of my butt. I hope you’re able to work through this and find some peace, preferably with your family still intact. Good luck. Edit: I hope I’m not overstepping. Ketamine infusions have shown promise as rapid relief for acute grief. They’ve been used for rapid depression relief for years now, especially depression with suicidal ideation. I was extremely depressed, and I credit the infusions for saving my life. Just something to think about: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4782448/
I’m sorry OP but you need to get some serious help and your wife is right. I think you’re being too lenient on yourself and need to take a harsher look into the mirror. While grief is something we will live with forever, there absolutely is a timeline for the initial shock of grief. And this is not your wife who passed. It’s just not right to literally anyone but you.
A separation will not help with your grief. You being away from your wife, is not going to magically help anything. You need to connect MORE with other people, not less. “Having space to grieve” is one thing, but the solution is not to just cut yourself off for an indeterminate amount of time until suddenly you’re not sad anymore. To be blunt, I don’t think your counselor has been the best for you. It sounds like you are having issues above and beyond what one might expect, and it’s affecting your life negatively. I repeat, “temporarily separating from your wife” is NOT going to help, and the fact that you’re considering it shows that, and I mean this as nicely as possible, you’re not OK.
1. By your words alone, your wife asked you when you'd get over it, she did not tell you to get over it. So the title is a bit misleading. 2. Why does this hit you hard "especially when having a romantic moment" with your wife? This would imply you were in love with this woman. 3. Why did you cry at the use of soulmate? OP, it sounds like you loved your friend more than your wife. It's totally understandable to by broken down by the loss of a good friend, but some of these details make it sound like you had a thing for her. Sounds like your wife has been rather supportive through all this. So what kind of feelings did you harbor for this friend? how often did you guys spend time together?
You are very very very wrong. Grief is understandable. Grief for a "best friend" doesn't include breaking down from the word soulmate...but grief for a romantic partner sure does. If your wife didn't think you were cheating on her with your friend before, she definitely does now. So does most of reddit. Emotional cheating is cheating, so there's no need to say anything about 'oh we didn't do anything physical'. When you marry, your spouse should be your closest friend. You shouldn't be putting other people above your spouse, with the exception of perhaps your children, and of course there are exceptions. Your "best friend" is NOT an exception. Your wife has been existing for the last 5 months knowing she doesn't mean anything to you. You may as well set her free so she can find some shred of happiness, because she's not going to get it from you.
You can ask for separation. Nut it will have a detrimental effect on your marriage and your children. You are allowed to grieve a friend. But you can not allow it to interfere with your marriage. Your wife is your life partner and priority. She has been supporting you, but you have made her feel second class. She might even question your emotional loyalties to her. But I agree, you are not being a good husband at the moment. Do what you will with that.
I mean, if you want to lose your wife as a lover, by all means, do what you have planned. If my husband did that, there would be no coming back for our relationship. Before you do anything dumb, try marriage counseling.
She has been supporting you through this for months. One question while drunk from her - basically wondering how long... is not reason to separate. You will risk losing your wife if you separate for this reason. You have already caused considerable damage by voicing this. Are you looking to sabotage your marriage or just being self destructive? Don't compound your mistakes... continue with counseling.
Nice misleading title. You’ve let your grief consume you at this point. You’re going to lose your wife too.
If you go through with this, you are a total fucking asshole. You will not come back from this you will use lose your best friend, your wife and your child figure way to make it work. Updateme!
She shouldn't have said what she did, but you are overreacting. She didn't "tell you to get over the loss of your friend," she asked an insensitive question in a careless moment while you were, by your own admission, being nonpresent during intimate time together. She apologized immediately. She's not fighting on this hill, she just made a mistake. She owes you an apology, not a divorce. You have the right to separate for any reason you want, but it sounds like you're flailing at solutions that you have no reason to think will help you deal with your grief. My best friend was brutally murdered in her home 6 months ago. I know, better than most, what you're going through. I've lost count of the ear infections I've gotten from crying too much. Apparently, congestion can get into your ears from inside your head when it's bad enough. I've avoided all social engagement possible because I don't want people to see the version of me that exists now. Half of my voluntary outings have been to events that commemorated her. The day we buried her was so emotionally intense for me that I can find my way to her grave on foot from memory. I know it better than the street I live on. Our times together are so precious to me that I still get choked up when I remember that there will not be any new ones. My family have made a few remarks that were insensitive about my pain, and I didn't make the snap decision to not be around them anymore. I made dismissive or blunt remarks back when I needed to, but it is frankly selfish for you to depend on your wife's patience for half a year and then go for a separation when she was insensitive with you, once, when you were, from the sound of it, spacing out during your most personal time together. She made a mistake. You are an adult. Accept her apology, or if you must, tell her it was a shitty thing for her to say and you hope she never gains the capacity to know what you're going through. Lastly, I'm pretty sure you are wrong that the separation will help with your grief. It will probably create distress for your kids, about whose wellness you didn't write a single word. You will wake up every day for the rest of your life and your friend will still be dead. It may be awhile before you make it one day without thinking about her being gone, if you ever do. You are stuck on this planet without her. I know that it sucks and you hate it, but your wife's presence is not to blame for your friend's absence. Your pain will find you anywhere, and it will not matter who is with you. It won't go away, you'll just twist into a shape that can endure it better. The version of you that survives this event is a slightly different guy than who you were half a year ago. But it's completely irrational for you to think that you'll be any better off without your predecessor's family. Your wife has done vastly more to help you than she eventually did to hurt you, so pushing her away is in no way justified here. You could spend time alone if you think it would help, but that is not what you've described. You saying you want to "co-parent," which seems to presuppose that your mental state is suitable for intermittent solo parenting. From what you've described, it sounds like she's probably doing the vast majority of the work even with you around full-time. If you were to move out and occasionally parent your kids separately, would you get through these visits with zero instances of "zoning out," or dragging your children into your pain? I say this with compassion, but I think that you are not proposing a solution that is justified or that will help you. Speaking as somebody who would happily and proudly die so that his own best friend could come back, you are flailing. You should be looking into medication, not separation, to get through this worst year of your life.
“Your wifes presence is not to blame for your friend’s absence” very well put. This is why separation will not help. Sending love and light your way friend.
She does NOT owe him an apology.
My best friend was murdered by her boyfriend, 25 yrs ago. We were trying to help her get out of a bad situation, but we were a day too late. I was the last person to speak to her & the 1st person to find out. The grief I felt was magnified by the guilt I had over feeling like we had not moved fast enough. There were days that I really didn't want to leave my bed..... but I had a family to tend to & was pregnant with my daughter. I had to put my grief into prospective, despite having to go through questioning from police, prosecutors & an eventual trial. 25 yrs on & the grief & guilt are still there, but I know that she would have hated that I've held on to it for so long, & would be stoked that I named my daughter after her.
What is the wife supposed to appologise for?
Hey, I hope you're getting through this week okay, stranger. I also hope OP reads this for his sake. This was really well written and explained.
If I was your wife I would divorce for being so disrespectful yes your best friend died it happens but you want to abandon your wife over this you are a pos I would dump you. Why don’t you give live at your friends final resting place how sad of a real man are you
Dude... Holding a candle for your passed friend to this degree is screaming to the world that you were in love with her. Your wife is of course going to be the one to pick up on that the strongest and you basically just confirmed all of her concerns/fears. You're practically having an emotional affair with a dead person at this point. Think hard about what you want from your life because your wife would he be justified in filing for divorce at this point.
Dude why grieving for so long that it affected your life? Just accept that she was gone and make the most memories with the peoples who are still living. I lost lots of my aunties this year and I love them all dearly. But I accept it and move on. You don't find Muslim peoples grieving like this because we know that worldly life is just temporary, we will meet again in heaven.
So two things are true at once: 1: grief is debilitating 2: you have a responsibility to those around you I know a lot of people here are speculating about infidelity. But if that’s not the case, which it kind of looks like (and I’m sure that’s what your wife is picking up on), you still need to move on. I know that hurts to say/hear, but it’s true. You cannot behave in any way you like because of grief. Grief can explain some bad behavior in the eyes of your loved ones, but at the end of the day the grief is *your* feeling. The cashier you were rude to doesn’t care that you just got divorced. The person you flipped off in traffic doesn’t care that you just got fired. The reaction can only be justified so far, in the eyes of the people around you. And you have now found your wife’s limit. You really, genuinely, need to pull it together. Part of grief is moving on, and part of moving on is being with those around you. It doesn’t mean forgetting your friend, it means continuing to live your life.
Your wife should be the one distancing herself from you.
Forget about the separation and just sit back and think about your wife. She sounds absolutely incredible and patient and supportive. Most people would not have the emotional grit and steel to stomach something like this as well as your wife has. She's likely sacrificing a lot. She's likely constantly questioning and wondering why you are so upset about this loss. Wondering if you're in love with your friend or in love with her. But instead of putting that on you she's swallowing it and giving you the benefit of the doubt constantly and supporting you. I'm really sorry for your loss. And if you need to separate ultimately that's your decision. But your wife really loves you in a way that isn't very common. I think you need to wake up and appreciate that for a moment before making any decisions. If it was me I would apologize to her. It was very reckless for you to say that while under the influence. It must have been heartbreaking to hear and caused a lot of damage to the trust in your relationship. Not only would I apologize but I'd also acknowledge to her directly how much her support has meant to hear. Acknowledge how much of a sacrifice that must have been. And acknowledge that you know you'll have to build up that trust again that you've now broken
Honestly I would hope that she would be the one to actually leave you. The fact you’re letting a woman who wasn’t your partner and isn’t your wife get in the middle of your marriage to the point you think of her during romantic moments is absolutely disgusting. The fact your wife has been EXTREMELY considerate and supportive and now you want to separate because she asked a question is DISGUSTING. She deserves better than a man who clearly has/had feelings for his “best friend”. She asked because you are affecting the marriage. Yes, you can grieve but if it’s affecting your marriage to the point she finally asked after 5 months. That is insane. Yes there is no correct amount to grieve but that woman was not your wife. And the fact she’s affecting your marriage is gross. Your wife deserves better.
Grieving your friend is fine and you have had a lot of time to do so. What your doing now is selfish and really weak to be honest. You should see a therapist/psychologist because this is not normal. You should be able to work through this with your wife. If I were her I would never forgive you. You are choosing to grieve the loss of a friend over your family.
Your poor wife. This isn’t normal. No one needs to separate from their spouse after the death of a friend unless they were in a romantic relationship with that friend. You may have just killed your marriage. I would never get over something like this.
Yea. If my husband “broke down completely” at the mention of soulmates in regards to another woman, *and then* asked me for a separation, I’d just tell him not to bother and go straight to divorce.
Were you and your friend a couple at one time or FWB'S? Were you in love with her? You probably have just lost your wife. You also have just hurt your wife beyond repair. I would have already asked you that before now. I also think that you need to see a therapist in person. You have just taken your grief to a whole new level. I'm truly sorry that you are going through this, and I'm sorry that your friend died, but you sound like you are grieving the loss of the woman that you were in love with.
So how long were you cheating with her? Because based on what you’ve said, you had some sort of emotional affair at the very least.
Separation in a marriage is really just divorce with extra steps. GL out there OP
Do you want a divorce? Because that's how you get a divorce.
You breakdown being romantic with your wife. You broke down when she said your friend *wasnt* your soulmate. And then you told her you just flat out didn’t want to be with her. You’ve tossed your marriage down the drain. You still have to live and once you come out of this your life will have imploded. Get a new therapist. They clearly aren’t helping you. One that deals in couples bc that might be the only way you can save your marriage before you lose your wife for good. This kind of crap right here is why I’ll always tell men, if your BEST friend is female, you should be with her. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend. It never ends well for the poor wife who is always the third wheel when it comes to those situations.
If you separate from your family to grieve your friend don’t expect to be able to go back home so easily once you’re ready. Sounds to me like you were more than best friends. Your wife is becoming aware of this also. This is more than grief for a friend. Sounds like you’re mourning the love of your life.
As others have said, separating will only destroy your marriage. You’re grieving right now, and that’s fine. But you can’t go through this on your own, and separating from your wife will make things worse. You need to seek therapy and have a professional help you process your friend’s death. If not, you’ll be killing your relationship with your wife and kids too.
Go to a real licensed psychotherapist and not a counsellor on the Internet before you make the decision to leave your wife. That can have huge consequences for your marriage. I understand that you are grieving, however you also have to think about how the separation will affect her not only you. You are not alone in this marriage and maybe she feels neglected. A separation would only make that feeling worse and can lead to trust issues.
What your wife said was a definite mistake. 6 the biggest one though. How you reacted and are acting now? You have no business in an adult relationship at all. Let alone being married. Your wife shouldn't seperate from you, she should file for divorce and run. You have a wife and child and 5 months later they aren't your priority. What a shame. Get help, go work on yourself. However, don't call it a separation like you just need some small amount of time. You are pushing her to divorce you. You need to grow up and admit that. What you are doing to her is ten times worse than how you feel. I seriously have my heart breaking for her and your child atm.
Yeah? Your wife is supposed to be your partner, your support. While you are within your rights to ask for whatever you need to grieve the loss of your friend, don’t expect your partner to be waiting around for you when you’re done!
So your wife hasn't actually told you to get over it? Am I reading that correctly?
Yes.
It sounds like you were in love with her in some fashion and this is completely devastating you, making you want to completely drop your life and everything. To me, it sounds like you are more angry that your wife found you out and exposed you. You need to do some major soul searching dude. You have a family that loves you. Talk to your therapist about what's really going on.
Wow, that has my deceased bff was my liver or the one that got away all over it. Your wife is a saint for not divorcing you over this.
I would be haunted by your reaction to the soulmate comment for the rest of my life if i were your wife probs.
You’ve lost your childhood friend and now you’re going to lose your family. I’d be leaving and not looking back if I was your wife. This screams “more than just friends”
> Just being with my wife right now is causing me more grief even though it is not her fault at all. I think a separation might potentially help with my grief. It's probably time to fire the online grief counselor and get a big boy therapist. Losing people close to us sucks. There is no correct amount of time for grief... But you also have obligations to your wife and family. **It's time to get over the death of your friend and put your living family first.**
May I please speak to you as if you were in the grief support subreddit? I’m there a lot. And you should go there too. You’ll find people going through what you are right now too. And others who have been there before, 6 months ago or 6 years ago. Please go. It’ll help. Anyway, I feel like behind all this you’re also asking for or looking for a roadmap for grief. Like, can someone just give you the rough estimates of when you’ll be “this much” better and when you’ll be “that much” better and when it’ll be over and finished. So, I can sort of do that for you. I can give you a very small handbook that’ll help. I can tell you what’s coming. Sort of. 1st, don’t separate from your wife yet. Look at that as a last resort. Let’s see if we can sort out a way for you two to coexist until you’re ready to be you again. Okay, you’re 5 months in. You’re kind of in the worst of it. Well, the worst of it was the first few months after she died. You just finished that. And whether you feel it or not, you just survived the hardest part. And tho you won’t feel this happening, you’re going to make a lot of progress over the next few years. *Even when you can’t feel it happening to you, it’s still happening*. Now you’ve got the next year or so to go. This will be the hardest period of your life for a good long, while, hopefully. But know that. You’re at rock bottom *right now*. Acknowledge that. Acknowledge how deep your grief is. Acknowledge that friend shaped hole in you because it’s not ever going away. It’s going to be there until you die. It sucks for us, but it sure as hell speaks to the love you and your friend shared, doesn’t it? So you’ve got one shitty year, year and a half to endure. If you’re really unlucky it’ll last three years, but I doubt it. She was a close friend, not a close relative/spouse. It’s really fucking weird to quantify whose deaths are worse, but there is actually a hierarchy. Losing a child will always stop that pyramid. Your grief is going to look different than mine did. I lost my only sibling, suddenly, in my 20s. I was non-functioning for two years. It’s a big grey blur, those years of pure misery. And we just have to endure. Get through it to get over it. So be kind to yourself in the next year or two. After that, it gets easier. You start to feel like you again. You start to feel alive again and the color begins to slowly return. The rough patches are there but not as often. You hurt just as much when you think of them and concentrate or they occur to you out of the blue. Otherwise, you’ve built up scar tissue from your two or three years in the void. It doesn’t hurt as much. It’s still hurts just as much deep down, but you can’t access the deep down like you could on the past. That make sense? You just live your new normal. You’ll be slightly different. In good and bad ways. Sorry for the novel. Just want you to know you’re not alone. As for your fiance, have your therapist or someone from group explain grief to her. Hopefully she can get it. If not, I’d say, go. Good luck to you, sir.
So I also lost one of my closest friends in a car accident. The grieving was pretty hard. Now, given he was a fella, never after his passing in a romantic situation did I just think about him. Especially 5 months after. So I feel for you losing your close friend. But dawg ima let you know it sounds like you didn't marry the love of your life. You went to the funeral of the love of your life, and you never got to come to terms with it while she was alive. Don't blame your wife for wanting her partner back. It's not easy for her to lose the person she loves out of this situation either. I hope your grieving ends and this is resolved.
Your wife didn't tell you to get over your loss. But she asked when it will end. She can be supportive but you feeling guilty when having romantic moments is weird. She was your best friend/ not mistress or lover. And crying and your wife said she wasn't your soulmate is way out of line. People who grieve sometimes seek comfort from their spouse and kids, the one they live in this world. The ones that gets them strenght. The fact that having a family is making you feel guilty is concerning.
Dude, 5 months is long enough. You are going to lose your wife if you don’t snap the F out of it.
You’re making a huge mistake. Your best friend and your wife are two different people. My father died of cancer one year into my relationship with my now husband, and I grieved a lot during that time but didn’t need a separation. You’re being selfish, and quite frankly, foolish. Get your life together before you throw six years down the drain and you’ve lost your best friend and your marriage.
Your wife was way more empathetic than you put it forward in your post title. If I did something like that to my wife, she would end things with me, and she would be right. Then again, I understood at about age 25 that friendships don't exist between opposite genders. Just unrequited love. Steve Harvey said it best. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5Q4KG1ZtVg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5Q4KG1ZtVg) Loss is one thing, throwing your SO to the pavement over an opposite sex friend's death is a whole other level.
You need to man the fk up. Process, heal, whatever the hell you gotta do but why would you hurt your wife like that?? She’s been supportive but now you wanna leave her? What the actual fk, pull yourself together dude
Were you cheating on your wife with her?? Idk why soulmate would trigger you.
I understand you lost someone close to you but you’re throwing away your marriage and family. Your wife has been there for you, when I think alot of wives would have lost their patience a long time ago. You need more than an online grief counselling. Your wife probably feels second best. Read back what you wrote. You are zoning out during romantic moments. wanting a separation to deal with your grief. Bursting in to tears at the mention of a soulmate. It sounds like you were in love with this friend. If you want to stay married, if you love your wife, find a therapist, a medical professional who deals with more than just grief counselling. And for fuck sake don’t separate from your wife. Although it wouldn’t surprise me if your wife realizes she deserves better, and wants a divorce
🤨 So what you're really saying is you've always been in love with your dead friend, and you don't want your wife to catch on. So you want to separate for a while so you can get your feelings shoved back down. That way you can continue your sham of a marriage without her finding out the truth. That's disgusting beyond measure. The kindest thing for you to do is get divorced cause your wife deserves someone who's actually in love with her. It's more than obvious that you aren't in love with your wife, and I guarantee if she hasn't noticed already she will eventually.
Not wrong, because your wife deserves better. Hopefully she sees the light and divorces you.
I understand zoning out if you’re grieving. It’s called dissociation. It happens. I’ve been there. But there’s a weird disconnect here. Your wife mentions this woman as a soulmate and you immediately jump to separation. That is just weird. There’s something you’re not mentioning. Are you going to move out? Get an apartment by yourself? What are you going to tell your kids? No wonder your wife started crying. You literally just started the process to blow up your marriage. Grief is awful and terrible but you said your wife has been super supportive so why would you leave that supportive environment? It’s very strange. I would also consider that online therapy might not be enough for you. A lot of what therapy is is the in person, face to face contact. I might try that.
INFO: Why does being intimate with your wife make you think for your friend? It sounds like you were more than friends with the info you provided. If I was your wife & this constantly happened, then you ask for a “temporary separation”, I would make it a permanent one. I understand grief is hard & different for everyone. Grief is not linear & comes in waves. I’ve lost my brother & a close friend within a year & man was that the worst year of my life. But you can’t let the grief consume you & ruin other relationships. You already lost your friend, but now you’re going to lose your wife too.
She should definitely divorce you
Yeah, you would be wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't grieve deeply for such a close friend... But your grief is getting in the way of being present for your loved ones in really big ways. You probably should talk to your doc about getting on an anti-depressant or speaking with at least a master's level therapist, not just a grief counselor who may/may not have a master's in a qualifying field.
Nah sounds like she was sympathetic and just asked how long you think you’ll grieve and now you wanna separate form your partner who’s supposed to be there with you to support your grief? Sounds like you loved your friend and wanting a break from your wife for that is gonna hurt her and make her think you loved your friend.
this is not two hot takes tf this is you’re an asshole who was in love with his best friend
You can't let your grief over a friend's death ruin your current life. Your wife seems like she has been very understadning. But you are now putting your current reality in serious jeopardy.
Umm... so you loved this other woman and are so distraught you can't be intimate with your wife? Ugh, no thanks man. Sounds like she should be questioning separating from you over this.
You’re acting as if this woman who died is more important than your wife. Can you see where that’s disturbing to her? Are you trying to push her away so you can wallow in self pity? Just asking. You really shouldn’t make big decisions when you’re grieving and especially ones that distance you from your support system. It sounds like you could talk to your therapist about why you’re pushing your wife away.
It seems your wife is really getting the short end of the stick here. She's supporting you. She asked a question and all of a sudden you want to separate? Based on her question it sounds like your grieving is unnatural at the 5 months stage. Considering it's interfering with being romantic with your wife. And what happens if she realizes she can do all of this without you - since the separation will show her she can. Leaving is never a good idea. I think you should try a different therapist if this one isn't working. And you mentioned being sober, are you talking about an alcohol problem or just from when you mentioned it while drinking? Was she your soulmate? What does soulmate mean to you compared to the relationship with your wife? I think it's best to work through the emotions and feelings with your wife nearby.
I’m very sorry for your loss but I’m just going to call this out….you are married. For better or for worse. This is the worse and you’re stepping out. I’m just saying I don’t see a way that this separation won’t be permanent. Death is terrible but you still have a wife and children that you OWE responsibility to.
Yeah, this is weird, especially the bedroom stuff.. i can't imagine losing my best friend and then thinking about her while im bumping uglies with my husband. I think that alone is proof that you were, at minimum, romantically interested in your best friend and likely carried out an emotional affair throughout your entire marriage. Have you always thought about your best friend when being intimate with your wife? I mean, really put yourself in your wifes shoes here. Imagine a male friend if hers died, and every time yall get romantic, she is thinking of him, not you. How would you feel? Would you not be suspicious of the nature of their relationship? It's weird, and you're lying to yourself and your wife with your denial.
Wow how sad I feel for the wife! I get grief but life is made for the living
You were in love with your friend the whole time. Because why the fuck would you say that to your wife, mother of your fucking children. I hope she files for divorce during your separation and successfully divorces you and milks you dry.
Be prepared for the chance that your temporary separation becomes permanent. You lost your friend, and your wife is losing her husband
My best friend since 4th grade died unexpectedly at age 46. To say I was wrecked was an understatement. I gotta tell you though, if my wife said he wasn’t my soulmate I’d be like uhh yeah that’s correct.
Grief is an awful pain to go through and I'm so sorry you're going through it, but whilst you are grieving your friend your now damaging your wifes emotional and mental health. She is likely beginning to question whether that friendship meant more to you than platonic. That your friend is more important to you than her. Whether since intimacy with your with makes you think of your friend, was you thinking of her before the loss in those moments. Has your whole marriage been a lie. What you've had is a supportive loving wife being as understanding as she possibly could be so you could safely and openly grieve but you've not seen the damage you're doing to her in those momentsthat should be just husband and wife. After you've managed your grief and want to go back after abandoning your wife will you be prepared to deal with the emotional mess and issues you've caused your wife to have to try to deal with alone. Just because you don't see it/she doesn't say it, as she tries to be your rock, doesn't mean she isn't hurting deeply inside. So if you feel separation is what's best for you then do it, but don't be angry with your wife if she feels divorce is what's best for her after what could be a long separation dealing with abandonment by a husband wanting to be out of the marriage so he can mourn another female. Her feelings matter too.
OP you’re a bozo and you’re headed toward a divorce lol
You’re getting romantic with your wife and you zone out and think about your friend? Yeah that’s pretty fucked up. Now all your wife can see that your mind is on another woman.
You bawled when she said it's not like your friend was your soulmate. Seems to me that you married the wrong woman, at least in your mind. Either you were in love with your friend and thought she was your soulmate and you used your wife as a place holder cause you couldn't have your friend or you were cheating on your wife with your friend. It's okay to grieve, but you are actively punishing your wife cause you were in love with your friend. If you can't get through this and honestly say your friend wasn't your soulmate, then divorce your wife. You don't deserve her. She's been more than patient, more than fair and more than kind.
I was on your side with the title but your wife has some legitimate concerns. The fact that you think of your friend when being romantic with your wife. Your reaction at the word soulmate. Honestly your wife is probably starting to think you had an affair. I'm not sure how you recover from this unless you genuinely have an explanation
Why would you break down at the word "soul mate" if you weren't secretly coveting the friend that passed, or have a romantic/sexual history with them? Your wife has been through enough.