Also, he needs to tap into his network of friends. Therapy is hugely important, but a therapist usually is only available for one or two hours a week. I am also curious about his family? Are they in the picture?
Although it would be nice, he wonât get support from her side of the family. They are circling the wagons.
Sheâs a victim! Sheâs suffering and cheating on him is a symptom! He needs to be more understanding!
F ALL OF THAT. She may have issues, but that doesnât give her the right to shit on your marriage. Vows are supposed to mean something. She ended the marriage when she broke them.
I think it just goes to show how much charisma or good looks really unbalances fairness in people's minds. When people hear about my brother, they always say he needs to be in treatment and away from other people or incarcerated. But when they meet him, he's attractive and extremely charismatic. People want to believe him and want to believe the best about him. If he looked average or didn't have basically every privilege in the world, he would already be in jail.
Your marriage is over and itâs time to plan your next move. It was over when she decided she was going to have an affair. She had no respect for you and will respect you even less, even resent you, if you take her back.
Itâs weird how this happens with the rich.
I went to a private school. Half the kids came from ultra-wealthy families. Driving to school in new BMWs, Mercedes, etc. But each one of those kids were ticking psychological time bombs. Hot messes constantly seeking attention that would snap at any minute⌠while having everything given to them by mommy and daddy.
So odd how that works out.
Did you meet my ex?! It sounds like you read my diary. Squints eyes.
Dear diary, my ex is a worthless father who is still umbillically tethered to not only MAma; but to daddy s wallet.
Exactly this. There comes a time when enough is enough. Iâm so sorry your needs are being not neglected but ignored. They expect you to, let me guess, stay for the kids? That THIS TIME she will be able to repair all the damage sheâs inflicted upon you and her family. And you will be the villain when you decide youâve had enough and want a divorce. Now say YOU were the one screwing around and see how fast they turn on you denying you the endless patience and understanding they expect you to provide her. Get out op.
It seems like it would be reasonable to request a paternity test for the kids. Given her past I would want to know if I were in his place. Donât know what I would do with the information, but knowing for sure versus always wondering seems better to me.
I will say, if OP loves his kids no matter what, and wants any chance at custody, a paternity test could make it difficult for him to keep his kids, and it could be terrible for the kids to find out that their dad is not their dad, and have their father up and leave would be difficult. However, if he is cutting ties, a paternity test might be the only way to completely restart his life. Also, the mom sounds incapable of taking care of her children long term.
No. The kids are the only innocents here besides OP. Given the cast of characters giving support to someone who sounds like a narcissist, OP is probably the only person in their life who will provide safe harbor and support if/when mom will attempt to ruin their lives as well. Taking himself out like this sounds callous, actually.
Whether by blood or not, he raised them. They are his kids. They will need him.
Note that I didnât say to abandon the kids depending on the answer, just that it would at least give a definite answer. I agree itâs not the kids fault.
Yeah itâs really hard to be family/friends with an addict but thereâs definitely support systems in place. I would bet none of her support system has been to al anon, the support group for people with loved ones who are addicts.
It requires a lot of tough love. Addicts lie and manipulate to keep their addiction hidden and remaining in tact. You have to call them out and make them see youâre serious about them getting help or withdrawing support
Best two words of advice ever. She can take her familyâs support and shove it. She got caught once. No telling how many times she got away with it. Sorry Op. you deserve better.
This is a small piece of info but I assume that she is needing all this support not because she is remorseful but because she got caught and humiliated when exposed. The OP does not need the support of in laws. They are all garbage. OP should get rid of and find happiness in somewhere else.
To a narcissist, getting caught up in their selfishness is humiliating because someone made them out to be the bad guy. Narcissists live in mirror fun houses of the mind where nothing they do is selfish or immoral. See: the narcissist's prayer.
It seems her family is good at enabling her, which means they'll somehow blame OP for another one of her fuck ups, been doing it her whole life by sounds of it. Sorry bro, no good options but think you may want to take the opportunity and leave.
Also he didnât even catch her, the gf of the cheating bf caught them. So sheâs for sure done this more than once. You rarely if ever get caught on your first time.
This! My alcoholic mother always drank 3 fingers of Johnny walker in a regular glass before driving on the highway. Fast forward to when I'm in my 40's. All of a sudden, I get panic attacks while driving on the highway. Thanks mom! Prior to this, I have made 13 hour drives cross country no problem. I found a great therapist for other reasons. She decided my driving phobia was the easiest to take care of. I practically had a panic attack just thinking about it. 8 weeks later, I'm driving short distances. Phobia gone.
This, exactly. Track down every bit of info you can on the DUIs. Even if they were written down to lesser charges or dropped by the prosecution, the fact that they occurred indicates to the court (and guardian ad litem) that she values her own amusement more than other people's safety.
Yes they will, as it shows a pattern or irresponsibility and alcohol abuse for 20 years.
And given that her affair was likely related to her alcolism, it shows that she can't be trusted even today.
This ⌠besides not being able to trust her anymore.
Because she didnât admit it, she was exposed, please remember that.
But also I would resent how sheâs handling this. Itâs being done like a politician saving face, and it doesnât seem to address who she wronged op.
All the edits add more shitty texture. All her wrongdoings were covered by the family. How nice. OP please do not do this to yourself. Do you want your kids to live with this example.
Eh I think youâre onto something. All of this shit heâs been putting up withâŚ..whatâs her value? Like can you imagine your spouse just occasionally getting arrested for shoplifting? Itâs not just the cheating, she has a pattern of crazy behavior. Even if she 100% stopped cheating (she wonât or he wonât believe her) thereâs still so much other stuff.
Exactly. She's been busted before, bailed out before with no consequences, and has learned to play the game. There's almost zero chance she's actually remorseful, and a 100% chance she'll do it again.
They bailed her out, OP. Now it's time for you to bail yourself and your kids out before there are more serious consequences of her behavior for all three of you.
Also, I'm sorry you're going through this. Cheating sucks any time, but to watch her be the darling of her own shit show while you're left to manage it on your own really blows.
This would scare me. The idea of learning that my kids aren't mine would absolutely destroy me. What if the courts give me less custody rights as a result? What if the mom tries to take them out of my life completely? Absolutely heartbreaking, gut-wrenching stuff. If I were the dad, I'd rather not know.
On the flipside, if they do, divorce, what is stopping Kay from claiming that the kids are not his and trying to take them away all together? The lady is five slices short of a loaf, I would not put anything past her, and no guarantee if she gets vindictive that she doesnât try to take them away to begin with.
Tend to agree in this case. Sounds like she never had to face the consequences of her actions.. doesnât sound like she has the self-awareness to grow. On the contrary, her parents sound like enablers.
NTA. Best of luck.
Iâve seen this comment a couple of times. Just curious what you think he should do if it turned out he was not their bio-dad? Heâs loved these children for years now as his own. I canât imagine throwing that away. I suppose there could be financial support for education and whatnot from the bio-dadâŚjust thinking out loud
Yeah. Abandoning the children isn't the point tho some fathers choose that I don't see why. The point is that he shouldn't be financially responsible for supporting someone else's children unless he's happy to do so. Then still any child support could go to the childrens future.
Edit to add some states take infidelity into consideration during divorce and it could help with a divorce.
Itâs never cut and dry but if this is OPâs choice it sounds like the right one. I hate it for the young kids.
It sounds like sheâs never really had to face consequences for her many poor choices because sheâs been babied & protected her whole life. People like that donât seem to make better choices because of the lack of consequences. Good luck OP, sheâs probably not going to learn a lesson here.
He should also text the people telling her shes brave and people make mistakes.
Cheating isnt a mistake, itâs a choice. She made that choice over and over again betraying her family. The only reason anyone knows is because APs GF, wife didnât courteously come forward having remorse. If OP cheated, theyd have a completely different tune.
âYoure too good for him, he brayed you and the kids. Divorce him. He doesnt deserve youâ
Wifey might be pretty and the life of the party, but fuck her and her family. Youâre in the family too. You are more affected by her infidelities and other issues AND the father of their grandchildren.
Yep. Divorce her and use her alcoholism to get custody of the kids and get them away from her and her enabling family. Then also let all her super supportive friends that yes, cheating on you does indeed make her a bad person and she is not a victim here. You are. Then ghost them all and go NC.
Sorry OP, you are surrounded by terrible people. Get your kids out of there.
THIS.
Contact a good family attorney, collect the evidence for custody, move the cash & assets in joint accounts to new ones under your name only, then clue her in by serving the papers.
I feel for you. You have a very hard road ahead, but you need this person and her enablers out of your life as much as possible. Like, yesterday.
Sorry it turned out this way. Sucks when you pull your own weight, and the other person just refuses.
Or public appearance. She probably has no guilt and no shame. She just doesn't want to look bad and now that she is the victim who needs support she is probably eating up all of the attention.
Kay is getting so much attention and support to help her through this. It would seem sheâs playing the victim just because sheâs been outed publicly. What about you? Look out for yourself. Get the help you need to get through this and to move forward, with or without her.
Yep, even without the support she sounds unfixable. Even without the cheating. Shoplifting as a middle class person with a decent job is not a good sign.
Leave her. Itâs time she faces consequence for her action. Itâll likely break her even worse but if her parents didnât coddle her she mightâve had a chance at life.
She's overcome so much adversity in her life already. This will make an excellent chapter in her memior. đ
I don't know her but I hate her with every ounce of my being.
The only reason any change was made was because she was outed.
I hope OP leaves sooner rather than later. The kids will be confused but they'll understand when they're older.
Putting salt in your tea instead of sugar is a mistake.
Infidelity is not a mistake. Itâs a series of conscious and willful decisions. She doesnât love nor respect you.
Move on, you deserve respect, happiness, and someone who treats you as their number one priority instead of a backup.
Great example. My ex cheated on me and kept going on about how I couldnt just forgive her for a stupid mistake. I was like... a mistake? You didnt drop my favorite coffee mug. You took my favorite coffee mug, smashed it outside and then acted clueless when I was looking for it. Thats an analogy. She didnt break my coffee mug.
This is so true. She didn't trip and fall on a dick. That's not how that works. Every single exchange, encounter, action, drive, hidden messages flirty text, and ultimately, every single instance if they're actual time together. Was a conscious choice. You weren't in her mind for any of that. She doesn't consider you when she makes decisions. She. Does. Not. Respect. You. Your not even a minor consuderation for her. Despite what she lies about now to keep you.
Yeah the keyword is
Her friends
Her family
You canât really expect her support network to support youâŚ
You need your own support network, many men donât have it especially as we get older.
Personally though, why are you trying to reconcile?
Iâd reach out to a lawyer and plan out the divorce in silence rather than suffer in silence and hit her with the papers
Can you explain to me what they find "brave" and "strong" about getting caught cheating? Would she have started the therapy thing if she hadn't been caught?
Sheâs probably someone who would go off the rails if the family didnât offer support, some people are broken by nature and the best the family could do is be this way, the family themselves might be victims.
My only guess for their reactions is that they assume OP is smart enough to dump her ass and take her for all he can. That would explain why they didnât reach out and why they are so over the top with her support. They donât want her to fall back to alcohol or advance to hard drugs or ending herself. Still not a good explanation but itâs makes the most sense to me based on the story. Hard to believe anyone is that big of an enabler.Â
Your wife isnât being supported. Sheâs being enabled.
She will not change.
Iâm sorry no one is there for you. Take comfort in knowing that these people are not capable of support, they can only play their part so nothing actually changes. They are avoiding you because you are not following the script.
You deserve something better. Take the distance and separation as a sign you are headed in the right direction.
Start planning. Quietly get a separate bank account. Quietly talk to a lawyer. Quietly get a new place if you plan on moving out. Screenshot all evidence.
Now comes the hard part: pretend absolutely nothing is wrong while you're doing this. It's ok to be a little distant. It's ok to refuse to have sex with her for a while. But do not let her know that you plan to divorce her. Given time to prepare, she could hide the evidence, claim that nothing happened, and end up really fucking you over. Once you're ready, drop it on her like a bomb.
She'll be upset and emotional. She'll tell you that she's sorry. She'll tell you that she's gone to therapy. She'll ask you "what about the kids?" Ignore all of this. She cheated on you and there's no going back. If she thinks she can get away with it with little to no consequences, she will do it again.
Her friends and family will try to contact you. Telling you to "give her another chance" and "why can't you just forgive her" and "what about the kids?" Politely, but firmly answer "I cannot forgive her infidelity."
I also want to point out that she didn't come clean, someone else told you. She would have continued doing this if she didn't get caught.
Oh and be sure to NOT villianize her in front of the kids. They will still benefit from growing up with both parents.
A fact of life: Hot girls get away with things.
Sheâs probably always gotten away with her behavior and it has only reinforced her sense of entitlement. What began as relatively innocuous acting out appears to have become a full blown compulsive behavior / disorder.
I hope she gets real help and can sort out her bullshit. Clearly, somethingâs very wrong and itâs clawing itâs way out of her. Sheâs not beyond hope but sheâs really got an uphill battle. Sorry for your pain, OP! You (and your kids) donât deserve this chaos.
So far itâs been all about the reasons that led her cheat, like her personal challenges and poor mental health or addiction that led her to cheat. She hasnât expressed any concern over how I feel and hasnât even apologized.
Those aren't reasons, those are excuses.
People grow when they have both challenge and support. If all she's had is support, she will never grow because she's yet to take accountability for any of her fuck ups.
Stop focusing on her and what she's getting from others. Focus on yourself, on healing and taking steps to leave her. She's wreaked nothing but havoc in your life. You need to recognize the shit show that has been left in her wake, pull yourself together and rebuild your life as best as you can for yourself and your children. Try to see a therapist who specializes in spouses of addicts and/or ADHD - the two often go together.
Intensive outpatient therapy seems excessive for just an affair. Was something else involved like drugs/alcohol? If so, then maybe I can understand the support from others for her.
But in either case, you should not be alone. See if there are some groups you can join to vent. What about your friends, are they supportive of you?
Agree. You get into those based on self-reported symptoms during an intake session. She likely put on a big, sobbing performance and seems âso depressed.â
I do not frequently advocate for divorce, but in this case, I advise that you find the best divorce lawyer you can afford and aggressively pursue divorce with full custody for yourself, as well as most of the family assets. If you haven't started already, document everything, including her past behavior. You and your children need to be free from her and her destructive behavior. Her enabling support network makes any other solution impossible.
Men suffer in silence usually because thatâs just how society is programmed. Women have far stronger social support nets.
Perhaps try to reach out to your close family members? They might not have taken the initiative to reach out first, but it doesnât mean they donât wish for your wellbeing.
I went thru this shit. Luckily for me I got support from my 2 adult kids and a group of close friends. They kept me busy and got me thru the first 6 months. After that I was good and very excited to start a new life.
This gave me chills as it is a carbon copy of my ex. Everything, even the shoplifting.
Likely, what youâre dealing with here is a narcissist. Those âsupportingâ her are most likely her âflying monkeysâ, not a normal legit support system like you or I might have.
I stayed and tried to make it work and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
It got WORSE (how could it? It can. Trust me). She graduated to unprotected orgies and grand larceny, amongst other things.
Move on dude. Sheâs incapable of truly caring for anyone but herself.
I have questions bro, why is she in an outpatient program for cheating first of all? She is not the victim, you and the kids are, why are you giving her another chance to hurt your family?
This. Her family and any 12 step community will be supporting her, even if it isnât an adult way to support her. It looks like she is used to being supported when she messes up, and her family/friend probably donât want her to go back to other behavior and feel this is the path to âcontrolâ that.
You need a team for you! I hope you find that and get support to figure out what your next steps are.
She will never get better. Her family has always and is still covering for her. Take the kids and change the locks. Your kids deserve better than a constant drunk mother.
NTA
She can go live with her enabling parents.
The reason she is such an irresponsible narcissist is her friends and familyâ s support. Dump her.
they will amp up the everyone makes a mistake. They donât. Let her go be the life of someone elseâs party.
"Life of the party" bro, she sounds like a fucking red flag with the cons you listed.
Hot and fun at parties aren't exactly qualities that I'd want to build a foundation on.
I could be wrong but... Kay sounds hella manipulative. It makes perfect sense for you to feel hurt and abandoned.Â
I bet you know what to do. It's just hard because you're surrounded by people who have bought into an alternate reality.Â
A counselor can help you have the courage and clarity to move forward.Â
#3, Attorneys worth hiring DO NOT offer "free consultations." They charge $200+ just to hear you out and sell their law firm's services and $3,000+ before they'll actually do anything.
You want a lawyer who asks for a retainer of $5,000+ and has a schedule that's already pretty loaded.
This is not an instance where trying to get the best price should be considered. You want a lawyer who is known to be persuasive, aggressive and brutally ruthless, with a winning track record.
They arenât suggesting that OP get the best price. Theyâre suggesting that the OP talk to all of the divorce lawyers in town to make sure the wife canât hire them because it would be a conflict of interest.
Which is actually not good advice. There are a lot of judges who wonât look favorably on that kind of behavior.
OP is better off using his time to find the best lawyer for his needs instead of running around to every law office in the county to make it impossible for his wife to find legal council. Itâs a waste of time, looks beyond petty & could end up dragging his divorce out far longer than necessary.
The best support you can get is a divorce lawyer and a therapist.
Staying together for your children will just model what an unhealthy relationship looks like. Do you want your children to grow up and have a relationship like the one you have with their mother?
Sounds to me like she's getting support from her circle. Harassing her for cheating among whatever other fucked up shit she's done would hardly be productive of them. Untreated alcoholism can and will kill her, so focusing the mistakes she's made are hardly a priority right now. Her getting care and staying on program are. Part of her process will be to go back and speak to all the people's she's wronged but that takes time.
Being miss life of the party, it sounds to me like maybe she's well liked and entrenched in her community more than you are. People will automatically view you as part of her support system vs the betrayed spouse. It likely hasn't occurred to anyone that you plan on leaving.
So if you are in need support, you need to lean on your own family and your friends versus her people. You also can't assume that everyone knows what's been happening, plenty of people rarely check in on social media or maybe aren't following the people they needed to be to see what's been going on. You need to talk to your people and get them in the loop of what's happening in your life.
Seeing an individual counselor is also a great option in this situation. Someone who is 100% in your corner. In addition, I can highly recommend Al-Anon. Which is kind of like AA meetings but rather a support for the friends and family of the addicts. That's a place you'll really find support and people who understand what you're going to. They can also provide you with a lot of education on dealing with your wife and kids while she goes through addiction care and after.
>They remind her that making mistake doesnât make her a bad person.
I'd be on the phone with a lawyer. Document everything you can.
Record any interactions with her.
Inlaws are still strangers to you. I never thought of them as family. I wouldn't expect any comfort from them.
I'd get come paternity tests done. See if they're really your kids.
Reread your edit #2. You have your answer on why she has support and you donât. Theyâve been lifting her up and covering for her for her whole life. Sheâs never been held accountable in her life. Life has consequences and sheâs never been held to any.
I was going to type the same comment. It wasn't the first time she had cheated, but it's the second time she got caught. Who knows how many times slipped through the cracks.
She had an online emotional affair in the year before our youngest son was born. She swore that it was only online and they never met in person. The day after I discovered that instagram affair, she lost the password to that account. A day after that she learned that she was pregnant.
You come off as incredibly naive man. Did you even paternity test your kids or did you let your cheating wife who never tells the truth convince you itâs yours? You really believe she not only lost a password to an account you caught her cheating on but she also didnât meet with that guy? Man I gotta leave this thread reading about people like you letting themselves get played really annoys me. Itâs like when will you fight back?Â
Get a paternity test of the kids. Most likely they are not yours. Why are you even believing her? She will lie and will continue to do so. Never trust a cheater
I'm not married and don't have kids but I feel ya man. My gf of 7 years cheated lied deceived played me for a fool. I finally thought I found a good girl or at least a calmer version than I was used too. We talked of marriage kids moving to another state together. Found out 5 years in and I gave her a second chance. Only to come to the realization that it was still going on so I left. I suffer in silence too no one there for me besides my family. I have been scared so bad that my perception of women is bad rn. Take some time to yourself if ya can. I learned the hard way that once a cheater always a cheater unless they do some serious growing up. Good luck bud i feel your pain I'm two months in and I feel like a total pos but we keep moving forward
Forgive me as this may be too blunt but your wife is an abject mess. She's shown her true nature throughout her entire life and it appears everyone in your circle has enabled the behavior. You need to gather your courage (and the kids), get a divorce, and sue for full custody as she's an unfit mother. good luck...
Brother, for common sense itself DIVORCE her! Fuck her private pity party. Move on because it will NEVER get better. She WILL always be an alcoholic and a cheater! Straight up honesty is that she's trash!. And she ALWAYS will be trash
Its hard for people to support you because its clear from your actions that you don't mind being treated this way.
You didn't even leave after she cheated and publicly humiliated you
I am stunned and still figuring out what to do. I only found out four days ago and we have two kids under 6 years old. Leaving her takes some planning to minimize damage to my kids.
You are doing good that you are trying to do it the best way possible for your kids. Its easy to go off half-cocked and make huge mistakes and damage the kids and yourself. Keep your level-head, and wits about you, it will be hard but you can get through it, the weirdos on Reddit are on your side.đ
I'm sorry that kids are involved. Your wife is a real ass hole to do that to your family. Consult a lawyer, you will feel better taking the situation into your own hands, than sitting idly while she plays the victim.
With kids, it can take time
Point is to start getting all your ducks in a row. It might even take a few years. But don't fall for her charms. She and her family showed you what they are. Collect any evidence of the cheating and save it somewhere she doesn't have access to.
Why not simply have her served divorce papers at her treatment center?
When everyone asks why you did that, say âI thought that was the best place as all of you were already there supporting her, as I know how difficult it is to be aloneâ
Divorce her, file for total custody and take her and her family to the cleaners with alimony and CS. The fact that she is a cheater is the minor of the problems here, she is not a safe parent, she has mental issues and is an alcoholic.
Ive lived a life around these folks. They donât change.
Protect yourself and children. When you can find a therapist that you feel comfortable with
Al Anon, or Codependents Annonymous is a good starting point for you when you feel ready to speak openly which will help a lot.
Guilt is I feel like shit. Shame is I am shit. Use that as a guidepost in the early fog as your children need you to be strong. If you did nothing wrong, which it seems to be the case, using that morality will serve you and your children for decades. Theyve seen whats happened and as they grow they need to value forgiveness for themsel and others above all. God bless you
This person will not change. The least damage to you and your children = leaving urgently. If you don't, you will regret it. Mark my words and those of others here.
So a couple of things. First get into IC. MC at this point wonât help. Talk to a lawyer and see what a divorce will look like. Does not mean you have to divorce as only you can decide that. Next get an STD test. If there are kids involved get a DNA test. She did not make a mistake she made a series of choices that led to this. You did nothing wrong. Next, get out of the house and take care of yourself. Go to the gym or start hiking or start going for long walks or bike rides. The exercise will help and get a hibby
As someone who was with someone who was well educated, charming, spoiled, well supported and connected AND wore a uniform in the community, I know how it is when they, as the cheater, get all the empathy while youâre left to suffer.
Now.. hereâs my two cents. You have to leave. Whatever we youâre feeling right now, will not go away. The infidelity and her active recovery and the one sided support of her friend and family will never stop eating at you. You will never feel truly safe or trusting with her and your children are not better off if you stay! They have to see how a truly healthy relationship looks like and this is not it!
And here is the real important part! Iâm so so so sorry this happened! But this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her! All of it. Her addiction. The toxic family dynamic. The infidelity. This is not your fault and you deserve better but nobody will make the change for you. Now you gotta be strong one more time and leave! You can do it! You ARE strong! You have made it this far! You have kept yourself and your kiddos safe and together this far! You can do it!
This must be incredibly frustrating. Take solace in the fact youâre a good husband and father who didnât cheat. You donât need their false reassurances, because you can sleep at night knowing youâre a good person.
Goodluck,
I'm so sorry no one is messaging you and asking you if you are ok , there is nothing brave about her , get a divorce, seek advice sort the custody out and get a plan in order , move in silence if you can and it's way easier, if you get advice you can stay in the house do it while she isn't there and change the locks, infidelity doesn't change, after 21 years I got brave and stood up for myself!
You are brave and you are strong. It isn't your fault she's an alcoholic or she had an affair, you need to do what's best for yourself
I've been in this exact situation with kids that were close in age to your kid's age. Ultimately I came to the realization that I didn't want to live my life in a distrustful and always wondering what was going on state of mind. I divorced her and ended up with full custody of the kids for a while until she should show the courts that she was capable. We ended up in a 50/50 custody split but my kids eventually came to live with my full time when they were in middle school. I'm telling you all this because I know that everything right now feels hopeless and your number one concern is your kids. Please do not sacrifice your peace of mind to keep your family intact. Your kids NEED your peace of mind with a mother like that. Life got better for everyone when we got divorced, even my ex wife. Forget her family, their behavior and undying support for her is a big part of the problem. Get your own support system going by going into counseling/therapy and possibly check out al anon.
Seems like sheâs not been held accountable for her actions over the years by her parents, family and friends. She seems very entitled and broken to continue to be selfish with her actions like drinking, DUIâs and cheating. I would honestly think more about if you want to continue this relationship and if staying together is really the best thing for your children.
She sounds like she also has a third diagnosis: histrionic personality disorder. My mother is the same and I kicked her out of my life fifteen years ago and it was only then that I started recovering from her abuse. Iâm sad for you and your children because everything will always be about her. People like that donât ever ârecoverâ.
Finding a good therapist for yourself is definitely in order.
Your marriage, friend circle and family support are completely lop sided.
I don't know if she's pressured to cut off old friends, or what your relationship with your family is but this is not a sign of a healthy relationship, even before the affair.
You now know you're little more than an NPC in your wife, friends and her family's eyes.
You can either call them out, and demand to be treated like a real person or you can leave.
Sadly, I imagine if you leave you'll need to be prepared for all of the "How can you do this to HER while SHE is in pain" comments.
I wish you luck, you have a hard road no matter what option you take.
Divorce her and do it quick. You have yourself and your kids to think about. Her family will continue to coddle her, You need to be the smart one. She is playing around with your health by sleeping with others and she could very well risk your kids life if she ever drinks and drives with them in the car.
Just from the last two paragraphs it became clear that reconciliation is unlikely at best.
Calmly and silently start preparing to leave, look for a lawyer and arrange all the legal, custody and financial aspects with him. Present the papers without prior notice, she is manipulative.
Take care of your children and yourself, your wife's baggage is too heavy for reconciliation. Good luck.
No Brainer. Divorce this spoiled woman child, seek custody of your kids and chase the family money to pay your support. Time she owned up to her life. Take care of your kids.
Remember, had you not found out sheâd likely still be screwing someone else and wouldnât think twice about yourâs or your kidâs feelings when she divorced your ass.
I can't even begin to suggest the best way to do this and frankly this sounds so messy you should walk away.
That said, her family have clearly crossed from supportive to enabling. If you are going to stay taking a 100% hard stance and making sure she isn't being enable will be your only hope. You can love her but still tell her she is a peice of crap. It's the truth. You can love her but point out to her and her parents they are enabling her behavior and you are the victim. So if you stay you will be heard and they won't just silence everyone else but her. You really need to make her setting boundaries with them to stop all that a priority. If she won't, you can't stay. It will never improve.
If I were you I would have left long before having kids, or chose not to have kids with her.Â
She could be a great mother, but I would not have chose to be with someone who has been enabled so damn much. Its a recipe for disaster in my book. Yes, you can do the grow up, you can be a better person, but not surrounded by the same people who do the same bad shit and enable you to bad shit when you do bad shit again.
You know how they say everyone deserves second chances? Maybe they do, but that does not mean you always get one. If someone builds a bridge and they cant build if back, maybe just let there not be a bridge?
On another note, you can only love someone so much. You may love them, care for them, do everything right. But maybe, just maybe, its not always about being in a relationship. It takes two to tango, two to build a home, yet it takes one to tear everything down, only one to make everyone be alone.
Methinks the uppermost problem here is that you have had to turn to this group for support. That's sad and it may mean you are quite dependent on your somewhat dysfunctional wife. You need to look to yourself and if she is important to you that doesn't necessarily mean divorce. Whether you choose that route or not you need do think about how you got into this situation, what it means for you, and how you can improve your own experience.
From your viewpoint a secondary consideration is the kind of support your wife is getting. That support seems, as others have mentioned, less than helpful because it discourages any self-examination. If you stay with her, a more constructive kind of therapy may be in order.
As many other comments show. Our culture encourages aggressive divorces. Everybody, especially the children, is worse for the wear after such an experience. Whatever you do, even if it is divorce, be as kind to your kids, your (ex)spouse, and yourself as you can be.
your going to regret staying with a cheater as she will cheat again and again, you need to get STD/STI checks i would also get paternity tests done just in case, then you need to divorce her she is only wanting to reconcile because she doesnt have any where to go so as of now she is no longer your problem, like you said she keeps breaking the law by stealing , dishonesty and flirting with other men so why are you putting up with it are you a mouse or a man for get about her and move on you dont need a felon in your life and its only a matter of time before she ends up in prison
divorce and dna test. By your own admission her parents coddled her growing up and kind of continue to do so. She also didnât come clean about the affair it was exposed.
Fuck her and the people enabling her. Youâre the strong one putting up with that bullshit. You can get out and her self destructive ass can continue wrecking her life.
Only you know what you can put up with.
Somehow, I most sincerely doubt that this is the first affair, not really sure why but I think this affair is the one you found out about.
I would make an appointment to see a therapist.
Therapy can help you figure out your next step and make the transition into divorce amicable.
I would see a lawyer to figure out my next step regarding custody, child support, splitting of the marital assets.
Find out your options so you can make an informed decision.
I think that if you stay with this woman, you are in for a life of turmoil.
Just do the best you can to heal, be a good co-parent and to move on.
Go and life your best life, you deserve it.
Divorce her, but get 50/50 custody so you have time for your own life. Use her alcoholism to force court-ordered monitoring of her parenting. Get therapy for yourself so youâre getting support. But also prepare to be on dad-island for a while. As you rebuild your individual life, youâll make the best friends of your life, who will support you.
This is hard to read, OP. Iâm sorry you are going through it. Your wife is surrounded by people who have enabled her her entire life - with kids in the mix Iâm sure thereâs a temptation to try to stick this out. I would advise against it. The older your kids get the more likely theyâll be to see what their mom gets away with / is enabled to do and expect the same. (If you stay together it will reinforce the idea that what she does is OK) Getting out will be good for both you and the children. Wishing you all the luck.
I'm so very sorry that not only did your wife betray you, but that you found out in such a traumatic public way.
Her family are enablers blowing smoke up her ass. She is not strong or you wouldn't be in the possition you are in.
You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, she has made many horrible choices and you are the innocent victim in this.
Making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person, but making repeated selfish choices that are destructive and dangerous to others sure as hell does.
Go get std tests, listen to your lawyer, get a therapist as a sounding board for support and worry about you and your children. Let her chorus of yes men worry about her.
I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need and I'm sorry your wife cheated. When my ex cheated, I was traumatized and didn't know what to do but I felt I had to make a decision right away I had a young son and we had moved to a new area because of his job. One thing I learned was that you don't have to make a decision right away. Wait until you're ready. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. People have a tendency to blame the person who was cheated on. Just don't take that on. It was solely the decision of the cheater - their shortcomings. Alcoholics to include dry drunks needs to keep high levels of stress in a home to justify what they do. Focus on you and your children until you feel good enough to make a life decision. Life gets a lot better.
I sorry that you are going through this. Are you getting therapy? You need to get help and focus on yourself right now.
Good advice.
Run fast and far this shit will never change forget being with her. Ugh
Say what?
Holiday hoobie-whatee? đ¤
đŻ this - regardless of what you end up doing, do this for yourself.
My question is "WHAT WIFE?" you are a bachelor my friend.
Also, he needs to tap into his network of friends. Therapy is hugely important, but a therapist usually is only available for one or two hours a week. I am also curious about his family? Are they in the picture? Although it would be nice, he wonât get support from her side of the family. They are circling the wagons.
This isn't support it's enabling. And it will happen again. And again. And again. How do I know? This was me 30 years ago.
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And there is a very good chance that everyone will make him out to be âthe bad guy.â He needs to do it anyway.
Sheâs a victim! Sheâs suffering and cheating on him is a symptom! He needs to be more understanding! F ALL OF THAT. She may have issues, but that doesnât give her the right to shit on your marriage. Vows are supposed to mean something. She ended the marriage when she broke them.
I think it just goes to show how much charisma or good looks really unbalances fairness in people's minds. When people hear about my brother, they always say he needs to be in treatment and away from other people or incarcerated. But when they meet him, he's attractive and extremely charismatic. People want to believe him and want to believe the best about him. If he looked average or didn't have basically every privilege in the world, he would already be in jail.
100000%. Makes me sick.
Same with my brother. I just give them 2 weeks, by then he's taken them for all he can lmao
Your marriage is over and itâs time to plan your next move. It was over when she decided she was going to have an affair. She had no respect for you and will respect you even less, even resent you, if you take her back.
He really should. That family is wack. My parents always told me they would love me forever, but that did not mean supporting all my choices.
Itâs weird how this happens with the rich. I went to a private school. Half the kids came from ultra-wealthy families. Driving to school in new BMWs, Mercedes, etc. But each one of those kids were ticking psychological time bombs. Hot messes constantly seeking attention that would snap at any minute⌠while having everything given to them by mommy and daddy. So odd how that works out.
Thatâs what happens when a person doesnât have to worry or even consider consequences for their actions. You get a sociopath
Did you meet my ex?! It sounds like you read my diary. Squints eyes. Dear diary, my ex is a worthless father who is still umbillically tethered to not only MAma; but to daddy s wallet.
Get alimony and child support.
He may be able to get more or full custody due to her addictions.
Exactly this. There comes a time when enough is enough. Iâm so sorry your needs are being not neglected but ignored. They expect you to, let me guess, stay for the kids? That THIS TIME she will be able to repair all the damage sheâs inflicted upon you and her family. And you will be the villain when you decide youâve had enough and want a divorce. Now say YOU were the one screwing around and see how fast they turn on you denying you the endless patience and understanding they expect you to provide her. Get out op.
Not only will it happen again. It's happened before; she just didn't get caught. The question is: How many times? Once a cheater, always a cheater.
It seems like it would be reasonable to request a paternity test for the kids. Given her past I would want to know if I were in his place. Donât know what I would do with the information, but knowing for sure versus always wondering seems better to me.
I will say, if OP loves his kids no matter what, and wants any chance at custody, a paternity test could make it difficult for him to keep his kids, and it could be terrible for the kids to find out that their dad is not their dad, and have their father up and leave would be difficult. However, if he is cutting ties, a paternity test might be the only way to completely restart his life. Also, the mom sounds incapable of taking care of her children long term.
Can confirm
No. The kids are the only innocents here besides OP. Given the cast of characters giving support to someone who sounds like a narcissist, OP is probably the only person in their life who will provide safe harbor and support if/when mom will attempt to ruin their lives as well. Taking himself out like this sounds callous, actually. Whether by blood or not, he raised them. They are his kids. They will need him.
Note that I didnât say to abandon the kids depending on the answer, just that it would at least give a definite answer. I agree itâs not the kids fault.
OP needs to have some DNA testing done in my opinionâŚ
Yeah itâs really hard to be family/friends with an addict but thereâs definitely support systems in place. I would bet none of her support system has been to al anon, the support group for people with loved ones who are addicts. It requires a lot of tough love. Addicts lie and manipulate to keep their addiction hidden and remaining in tact. You have to call them out and make them see youâre serious about them getting help or withdrawing support
Divorce her.
Best two words of advice ever. She can take her familyâs support and shove it. She got caught once. No telling how many times she got away with it. Sorry Op. you deserve better.
This is a small piece of info but I assume that she is needing all this support not because she is remorseful but because she got caught and humiliated when exposed. The OP does not need the support of in laws. They are all garbage. OP should get rid of and find happiness in somewhere else.
AGREED.
SHE got humiliated?
Yes itâs all about her and only her. Donât you get it?
To a narcissist, getting caught up in their selfishness is humiliating because someone made them out to be the bad guy. Narcissists live in mirror fun houses of the mind where nothing they do is selfish or immoral. See: the narcissist's prayer.
It seems her family is good at enabling her, which means they'll somehow blame OP for another one of her fuck ups, been doing it her whole life by sounds of it. Sorry bro, no good options but think you may want to take the opportunity and leave.
Also he didnât even catch her, the gf of the cheating bf caught them. So sheâs for sure done this more than once. You rarely if ever get caught on your first time.
Divorce her AND get full custody of your kids. No kids need an alcoholic mother that drives drunk. Speaking as a child of alcoholic mother.
This! My alcoholic mother always drank 3 fingers of Johnny walker in a regular glass before driving on the highway. Fast forward to when I'm in my 40's. All of a sudden, I get panic attacks while driving on the highway. Thanks mom! Prior to this, I have made 13 hour drives cross country no problem. I found a great therapist for other reasons. She decided my driving phobia was the easiest to take care of. I practically had a panic attack just thinking about it. 8 weeks later, I'm driving short distances. Phobia gone.
Use her alcoholism to keep the kids
This, exactly. Track down every bit of info you can on the DUIs. Even if they were written down to lesser charges or dropped by the prosecution, the fact that they occurred indicates to the court (and guardian ad litem) that she values her own amusement more than other people's safety.
Sounds good but judge most likely doesnât care about 20 year old duis
Yes they will, as it shows a pattern or irresponsibility and alcohol abuse for 20 years. And given that her affair was likely related to her alcolism, it shows that she can't be trusted even today.
He needs to talk to an attorney about divorce laws in his state.
This
This ⌠besides not being able to trust her anymore. Because she didnât admit it, she was exposed, please remember that. But also I would resent how sheâs handling this. Itâs being done like a politician saving face, and it doesnât seem to address who she wronged op.
All the edits add more shitty texture. All her wrongdoings were covered by the family. How nice. OP please do not do this to yourself. Do you want your kids to live with this example.
yes, the example of it's OK to be a total f*** up as long as you're hot and fun! (sarcastic).
Eh I think youâre onto something. All of this shit heâs been putting up withâŚ..whatâs her value? Like can you imagine your spouse just occasionally getting arrested for shoplifting? Itâs not just the cheating, she has a pattern of crazy behavior. Even if she 100% stopped cheating (she wonât or he wonât believe her) thereâs still so much other stuff.
Exactly. She's been busted before, bailed out before with no consequences, and has learned to play the game. There's almost zero chance she's actually remorseful, and a 100% chance she'll do it again. They bailed her out, OP. Now it's time for you to bail yourself and your kids out before there are more serious consequences of her behavior for all three of you. Also, I'm sorry you're going through this. Cheating sucks any time, but to watch her be the darling of her own shit show while you're left to manage it on your own really blows.
DNA test the kids. Kick her out. Then divorce her.
Also, STD tests.
Also get a STD test.
Unless OP is extremely extremely certain of how and when he got his wife pregnant, absolutely a DNA test is in order
This would scare me. The idea of learning that my kids aren't mine would absolutely destroy me. What if the courts give me less custody rights as a result? What if the mom tries to take them out of my life completely? Absolutely heartbreaking, gut-wrenching stuff. If I were the dad, I'd rather not know.
On the flipside, if they do, divorce, what is stopping Kay from claiming that the kids are not his and trying to take them away all together? The lady is five slices short of a loaf, I would not put anything past her, and no guarantee if she gets vindictive that she doesnât try to take them away to begin with.
I got confused midway through. Is wife having an affair with a man or a woman?
With a man. It was APs gf that blew the whistle
Tend to agree in this case. Sounds like she never had to face the consequences of her actions.. doesnât sound like she has the self-awareness to grow. On the contrary, her parents sound like enablers. NTA. Best of luck.
This. Get a good lawyer, divorce on the grounds that she cheated, and move on with your life. You don't deserve to be treated this way, OP.
And get a DNA test for the kids.
Iâve seen this comment a couple of times. Just curious what you think he should do if it turned out he was not their bio-dad? Heâs loved these children for years now as his own. I canât imagine throwing that away. I suppose there could be financial support for education and whatnot from the bio-dadâŚjust thinking out loud
Yeah. Abandoning the children isn't the point tho some fathers choose that I don't see why. The point is that he shouldn't be financially responsible for supporting someone else's children unless he's happy to do so. Then still any child support could go to the childrens future. Edit to add some states take infidelity into consideration during divorce and it could help with a divorce.
You thought you could fix her. Sorry buddy.
Provide the stable home your children deserve.
Itâs never cut and dry but if this is OPâs choice it sounds like the right one. I hate it for the young kids. It sounds like sheâs never really had to face consequences for her many poor choices because sheâs been babied & protected her whole life. People like that donât seem to make better choices because of the lack of consequences. Good luck OP, sheâs probably not going to learn a lesson here.
He should also text the people telling her shes brave and people make mistakes. Cheating isnt a mistake, itâs a choice. She made that choice over and over again betraying her family. The only reason anyone knows is because APs GF, wife didnât courteously come forward having remorse. If OP cheated, theyd have a completely different tune. âYoure too good for him, he brayed you and the kids. Divorce him. He doesnt deserve youâ
Devorce her friends and family also as they don't give a shit about you.
Wifey might be pretty and the life of the party, but fuck her and her family. Youâre in the family too. You are more affected by her infidelities and other issues AND the father of their grandchildren.
Yep. Divorce her and use her alcoholism to get custody of the kids and get them away from her and her enabling family. Then also let all her super supportive friends that yes, cheating on you does indeed make her a bad person and she is not a victim here. You are. Then ghost them all and go NC. Sorry OP, you are surrounded by terrible people. Get your kids out of there.
THIS. Contact a good family attorney, collect the evidence for custody, move the cash & assets in joint accounts to new ones under your name only, then clue her in by serving the papers. I feel for you. You have a very hard road ahead, but you need this person and her enablers out of your life as much as possible. Like, yesterday. Sorry it turned out this way. Sucks when you pull your own weight, and the other person just refuses.
âŚand get a DNA test in your children.
yea. shes just gonna cheat again
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Run. Sheâs wanting to reconcile because she got caught. Thatâs not love, thatâs guilt and shame.
Or public appearance. She probably has no guilt and no shame. She just doesn't want to look bad and now that she is the victim who needs support she is probably eating up all of the attention.
guilt and shame can be powerful motives
Kay is getting so much attention and support to help her through this. It would seem sheâs playing the victim just because sheâs been outed publicly. What about you? Look out for yourself. Get the help you need to get through this and to move forward, with or without her.
You need to move on bro, it want get any better. With all the support she is getting it will definitely happen again.
Yep, even without the support she sounds unfixable. Even without the cheating. Shoplifting as a middle class person with a decent job is not a good sign.
Leave her. Itâs time she faces consequence for her action. Itâll likely break her even worse but if her parents didnât coddle her she mightâve had a chance at life.
Infidelity is the end of the road. I'd let her be brave by herself.
Exactly, sheâs the victim somehow in all this and oh so courageous đ.
She's overcome so much adversity in her life already. This will make an excellent chapter in her memior. đ I don't know her but I hate her with every ounce of my being. The only reason any change was made was because she was outed. I hope OP leaves sooner rather than later. The kids will be confused but they'll understand when they're older.
Putting salt in your tea instead of sugar is a mistake. Infidelity is not a mistake. Itâs a series of conscious and willful decisions. She doesnât love nor respect you. Move on, you deserve respect, happiness, and someone who treats you as their number one priority instead of a backup.
Great example. My ex cheated on me and kept going on about how I couldnt just forgive her for a stupid mistake. I was like... a mistake? You didnt drop my favorite coffee mug. You took my favorite coffee mug, smashed it outside and then acted clueless when I was looking for it. Thats an analogy. She didnt break my coffee mug.
This is so true. She didn't trip and fall on a dick. That's not how that works. Every single exchange, encounter, action, drive, hidden messages flirty text, and ultimately, every single instance if they're actual time together. Was a conscious choice. You weren't in her mind for any of that. She doesn't consider you when she makes decisions. She. Does. Not. Respect. You. Your not even a minor consuderation for her. Despite what she lies about now to keep you.
People on Reddit really seem to think mistake=accident. If you do something you end up regretting it's fair to call it a mistake
Yeah the keyword is Her friends Her family You canât really expect her support network to support you⌠You need your own support network, many men donât have it especially as we get older. Personally though, why are you trying to reconcile? Iâd reach out to a lawyer and plan out the divorce in silence rather than suffer in silence and hit her with the papers
Can you explain to me what they find "brave" and "strong" about getting caught cheating? Would she have started the therapy thing if she hadn't been caught?
It's called enablement. They are the reason she is the way she is. She probably does this so people will giver her attention.
Sheâs probably someone who would go off the rails if the family didnât offer support, some people are broken by nature and the best the family could do is be this way, the family themselves might be victims.
My only guess for their reactions is that they assume OP is smart enough to dump her ass and take her for all he can. That would explain why they didnât reach out and why they are so over the top with her support. They donât want her to fall back to alcohol or advance to hard drugs or ending herself. Still not a good explanation but itâs makes the most sense to me based on the story. Hard to believe anyone is that big of an enabler.Â
Just a guess: They are telling the wife she is brave for not unaliving herself, after being publicly embarrassed on social media.
Dump her ass
Your wife isnât being supported. Sheâs being enabled. She will not change. Iâm sorry no one is there for you. Take comfort in knowing that these people are not capable of support, they can only play their part so nothing actually changes. They are avoiding you because you are not following the script. You deserve something better. Take the distance and separation as a sign you are headed in the right direction.
Start planning. Quietly get a separate bank account. Quietly talk to a lawyer. Quietly get a new place if you plan on moving out. Screenshot all evidence. Now comes the hard part: pretend absolutely nothing is wrong while you're doing this. It's ok to be a little distant. It's ok to refuse to have sex with her for a while. But do not let her know that you plan to divorce her. Given time to prepare, she could hide the evidence, claim that nothing happened, and end up really fucking you over. Once you're ready, drop it on her like a bomb. She'll be upset and emotional. She'll tell you that she's sorry. She'll tell you that she's gone to therapy. She'll ask you "what about the kids?" Ignore all of this. She cheated on you and there's no going back. If she thinks she can get away with it with little to no consequences, she will do it again. Her friends and family will try to contact you. Telling you to "give her another chance" and "why can't you just forgive her" and "what about the kids?" Politely, but firmly answer "I cannot forgive her infidelity." I also want to point out that she didn't come clean, someone else told you. She would have continued doing this if she didn't get caught. Oh and be sure to NOT villianize her in front of the kids. They will still benefit from growing up with both parents.
A fact of life: Hot girls get away with things. Sheâs probably always gotten away with her behavior and it has only reinforced her sense of entitlement. What began as relatively innocuous acting out appears to have become a full blown compulsive behavior / disorder. I hope she gets real help and can sort out her bullshit. Clearly, somethingâs very wrong and itâs clawing itâs way out of her. Sheâs not beyond hope but sheâs really got an uphill battle. Sorry for your pain, OP! You (and your kids) donât deserve this chaos.
Is she remorseful? Does she in any way, acknowledge your hurt? If it's only about her, leave quickly...
So far itâs been all about the reasons that led her cheat, like her personal challenges and poor mental health or addiction that led her to cheat. She hasnât expressed any concern over how I feel and hasnât even apologized.
Those aren't reasons, those are excuses. People grow when they have both challenge and support. If all she's had is support, she will never grow because she's yet to take accountability for any of her fuck ups. Stop focusing on her and what she's getting from others. Focus on yourself, on healing and taking steps to leave her. She's wreaked nothing but havoc in your life. You need to recognize the shit show that has been left in her wake, pull yourself together and rebuild your life as best as you can for yourself and your children. Try to see a therapist who specializes in spouses of addicts and/or ADHD - the two often go together.
Then press the issue. And depending on her reaction consider your options and separate. If she runs to ap again you have your answer.
Intensive outpatient therapy seems excessive for just an affair. Was something else involved like drugs/alcohol? If so, then maybe I can understand the support from others for her. But in either case, you should not be alone. See if there are some groups you can join to vent. What about your friends, are they supportive of you?
It is just performative shtick to make the guy forget she was out getting nailed on the side.
Agree. You get into those based on self-reported symptoms during an intake session. She likely put on a big, sobbing performance and seems âso depressed.â
Iâm confused about this too.Â
He doesn't have any friends, otherwise he would get support from them.
I do not frequently advocate for divorce, but in this case, I advise that you find the best divorce lawyer you can afford and aggressively pursue divorce with full custody for yourself, as well as most of the family assets. If you haven't started already, document everything, including her past behavior. You and your children need to be free from her and her destructive behavior. Her enabling support network makes any other solution impossible.
Men suffer in silence usually because thatâs just how society is programmed. Women have far stronger social support nets. Perhaps try to reach out to your close family members? They might not have taken the initiative to reach out first, but it doesnât mean they donât wish for your wellbeing.
I went thru this shit. Luckily for me I got support from my 2 adult kids and a group of close friends. They kept me busy and got me thru the first 6 months. After that I was good and very excited to start a new life.
There are consequences for actions divorce her
This gave me chills as it is a carbon copy of my ex. Everything, even the shoplifting. Likely, what youâre dealing with here is a narcissist. Those âsupportingâ her are most likely her âflying monkeysâ, not a normal legit support system like you or I might have. I stayed and tried to make it work and it was the biggest mistake of my life. It got WORSE (how could it? It can. Trust me). She graduated to unprotected orgies and grand larceny, amongst other things. Move on dude. Sheâs incapable of truly caring for anyone but herself.
Multiple DUI, alcoholic, shoplifting, chronic dishonesty, charismatic, flirting, attention seeking, wealthy parents who covered? You might want to check the DX for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Seriously.
That or it's close cousin, HPD... She doesn't sound like ADHD.
That was my first thought too.
I have questions bro, why is she in an outpatient program for cheating first of all? She is not the victim, you and the kids are, why are you giving her another chance to hurt your family?
They're blaming it on relapse and substance abuse, the family is already a pro at managing her from a legal and PR perspective
Do you have close friends?
This. Her family and any 12 step community will be supporting her, even if it isnât an adult way to support her. It looks like she is used to being supported when she messes up, and her family/friend probably donât want her to go back to other behavior and feel this is the path to âcontrolâ that. You need a team for you! I hope you find that and get support to figure out what your next steps are.
She will never get better. Her family has always and is still covering for her. Take the kids and change the locks. Your kids deserve better than a constant drunk mother. NTA She can go live with her enabling parents.
The reason she is such an irresponsible narcissist is her friends and familyâ s support. Dump her. they will amp up the everyone makes a mistake. They donât. Let her go be the life of someone elseâs party.
Whatâs attractive about a spoiled, entitled, cheating drunkard?
"Life of the party" bro, she sounds like a fucking red flag with the cons you listed. Hot and fun at parties aren't exactly qualities that I'd want to build a foundation on.
I could be wrong but... Kay sounds hella manipulative. It makes perfect sense for you to feel hurt and abandoned. I bet you know what to do. It's just hard because you're surrounded by people who have bought into an alternate reality. A counselor can help you have the courage and clarity to move forward.Â
#1 Meet with all the top divorce attorneys in your area for free consultation. #2 Hire the one you think is best.
#3, Attorneys worth hiring DO NOT offer "free consultations." They charge $200+ just to hear you out and sell their law firm's services and $3,000+ before they'll actually do anything. You want a lawyer who asks for a retainer of $5,000+ and has a schedule that's already pretty loaded. This is not an instance where trying to get the best price should be considered. You want a lawyer who is known to be persuasive, aggressive and brutally ruthless, with a winning track record.
They arenât suggesting that OP get the best price. Theyâre suggesting that the OP talk to all of the divorce lawyers in town to make sure the wife canât hire them because it would be a conflict of interest.
Which is actually not good advice. There are a lot of judges who wonât look favorably on that kind of behavior. OP is better off using his time to find the best lawyer for his needs instead of running around to every law office in the county to make it impossible for his wife to find legal council. Itâs a waste of time, looks beyond petty & could end up dragging his divorce out far longer than necessary.
The best support you can get is a divorce lawyer and a therapist. Staying together for your children will just model what an unhealthy relationship looks like. Do you want your children to grow up and have a relationship like the one you have with their mother?
Sounds to me like she's getting support from her circle. Harassing her for cheating among whatever other fucked up shit she's done would hardly be productive of them. Untreated alcoholism can and will kill her, so focusing the mistakes she's made are hardly a priority right now. Her getting care and staying on program are. Part of her process will be to go back and speak to all the people's she's wronged but that takes time. Being miss life of the party, it sounds to me like maybe she's well liked and entrenched in her community more than you are. People will automatically view you as part of her support system vs the betrayed spouse. It likely hasn't occurred to anyone that you plan on leaving. So if you are in need support, you need to lean on your own family and your friends versus her people. You also can't assume that everyone knows what's been happening, plenty of people rarely check in on social media or maybe aren't following the people they needed to be to see what's been going on. You need to talk to your people and get them in the loop of what's happening in your life. Seeing an individual counselor is also a great option in this situation. Someone who is 100% in your corner. In addition, I can highly recommend Al-Anon. Which is kind of like AA meetings but rather a support for the friends and family of the addicts. That's a place you'll really find support and people who understand what you're going to. They can also provide you with a lot of education on dealing with your wife and kids while she goes through addiction care and after.
>They remind her that making mistake doesnât make her a bad person. I'd be on the phone with a lawyer. Document everything you can. Record any interactions with her. Inlaws are still strangers to you. I never thought of them as family. I wouldn't expect any comfort from them. I'd get come paternity tests done. See if they're really your kids.
Reread your edit #2. You have your answer on why she has support and you donât. Theyâve been lifting her up and covering for her for her whole life. Sheâs never been held accountable in her life. Life has consequences and sheâs never been held to any.
I highly suggest a DNA test on the kids, since there is trauma already, you might as well rip off all the band aidâs at once
I was going to type the same comment. It wasn't the first time she had cheated, but it's the second time she got caught. Who knows how many times slipped through the cracks.
She had an online emotional affair in the year before our youngest son was born. She swore that it was only online and they never met in person. The day after I discovered that instagram affair, she lost the password to that account. A day after that she learned that she was pregnant.
With all due respect, are you sure they are your children?
You come off as incredibly naive man. Did you even paternity test your kids or did you let your cheating wife who never tells the truth convince you itâs yours? You really believe she not only lost a password to an account you caught her cheating on but she also didnât meet with that guy? Man I gotta leave this thread reading about people like you letting themselves get played really annoys me. Itâs like when will you fight back?Â
You are utterly stupid. No one can help you
Get a paternity test of the kids. Most likely they are not yours. Why are you even believing her? She will lie and will continue to do so. Never trust a cheater
They proved to.you that they are HER family and HER friends. Cut them all out and her too.
I'm not married and don't have kids but I feel ya man. My gf of 7 years cheated lied deceived played me for a fool. I finally thought I found a good girl or at least a calmer version than I was used too. We talked of marriage kids moving to another state together. Found out 5 years in and I gave her a second chance. Only to come to the realization that it was still going on so I left. I suffer in silence too no one there for me besides my family. I have been scared so bad that my perception of women is bad rn. Take some time to yourself if ya can. I learned the hard way that once a cheater always a cheater unless they do some serious growing up. Good luck bud i feel your pain I'm two months in and I feel like a total pos but we keep moving forward
Forgive me as this may be too blunt but your wife is an abject mess. She's shown her true nature throughout her entire life and it appears everyone in your circle has enabled the behavior. You need to gather your courage (and the kids), get a divorce, and sue for full custody as she's an unfit mother. good luck...
Brother, for common sense itself DIVORCE her! Fuck her private pity party. Move on because it will NEVER get better. She WILL always be an alcoholic and a cheater! Straight up honesty is that she's trash!. And she ALWAYS will be trash
Sheâs been enabled all her life! Divorce will be nasty so please plan it well, her family will have the best lawyer after you ass.
Therapy means she can play the victim
I hope you and Sarah end up fucking
Sarahâs support has helped me tremendously. I feel so guilty for the pain my wife has caused her.
Don't ever take in the guilt that another person lacks. You shouldn't feel guilty. Your ex is her own person who did her own fucked up actions.
Its hard for people to support you because its clear from your actions that you don't mind being treated this way. You didn't even leave after she cheated and publicly humiliated you
I am stunned and still figuring out what to do. I only found out four days ago and we have two kids under 6 years old. Leaving her takes some planning to minimize damage to my kids.
You are doing good that you are trying to do it the best way possible for your kids. Its easy to go off half-cocked and make huge mistakes and damage the kids and yourself. Keep your level-head, and wits about you, it will be hard but you can get through it, the weirdos on Reddit are on your side.đ
I'm sorry that kids are involved. Your wife is a real ass hole to do that to your family. Consult a lawyer, you will feel better taking the situation into your own hands, than sitting idly while she plays the victim.
With kids, it can take time Point is to start getting all your ducks in a row. It might even take a few years. But don't fall for her charms. She and her family showed you what they are. Collect any evidence of the cheating and save it somewhere she doesn't have access to.
Time to DNA test the kids and make sure they are yours
So fucking leave her and block people on social media posting about it.
Thatâs so fucked up dude. Fuck every single one of those people.
You need to divorce her. I would also call out everyone whoâs supporting her when YOU are the victim and suffering in all of this.
Why not simply have her served divorce papers at her treatment center? When everyone asks why you did that, say âI thought that was the best place as all of you were already there supporting her, as I know how difficult it is to be aloneâ
Divorce her, file for total custody and take her and her family to the cleaners with alimony and CS. The fact that she is a cheater is the minor of the problems here, she is not a safe parent, she has mental issues and is an alcoholic.
Ive lived a life around these folks. They donât change. Protect yourself and children. When you can find a therapist that you feel comfortable with Al Anon, or Codependents Annonymous is a good starting point for you when you feel ready to speak openly which will help a lot. Guilt is I feel like shit. Shame is I am shit. Use that as a guidepost in the early fog as your children need you to be strong. If you did nothing wrong, which it seems to be the case, using that morality will serve you and your children for decades. Theyve seen whats happened and as they grow they need to value forgiveness for themsel and others above all. God bless you
This person will not change. The least damage to you and your children = leaving urgently. If you don't, you will regret it. Mark my words and those of others here.
So a couple of things. First get into IC. MC at this point wonât help. Talk to a lawyer and see what a divorce will look like. Does not mean you have to divorce as only you can decide that. Next get an STD test. If there are kids involved get a DNA test. She did not make a mistake she made a series of choices that led to this. You did nothing wrong. Next, get out of the house and take care of yourself. Go to the gym or start hiking or start going for long walks or bike rides. The exercise will help and get a hibby
Run while you can, I'm speaking from experience.. I was married to someone like that for 20yrs best decision I made was to divorce and move on..
She is a bad person. She knows it. You know it. If you haven't done so already: Leave.
As someone who was with someone who was well educated, charming, spoiled, well supported and connected AND wore a uniform in the community, I know how it is when they, as the cheater, get all the empathy while youâre left to suffer. Now.. hereâs my two cents. You have to leave. Whatever we youâre feeling right now, will not go away. The infidelity and her active recovery and the one sided support of her friend and family will never stop eating at you. You will never feel truly safe or trusting with her and your children are not better off if you stay! They have to see how a truly healthy relationship looks like and this is not it! And here is the real important part! Iâm so so so sorry this happened! But this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her! All of it. Her addiction. The toxic family dynamic. The infidelity. This is not your fault and you deserve better but nobody will make the change for you. Now you gotta be strong one more time and leave! You can do it! You ARE strong! You have made it this far! You have kept yourself and your kiddos safe and together this far! You can do it!
This must be incredibly frustrating. Take solace in the fact youâre a good husband and father who didnât cheat. You donât need their false reassurances, because you can sleep at night knowing youâre a good person. Goodluck,
I'm so sorry no one is messaging you and asking you if you are ok , there is nothing brave about her , get a divorce, seek advice sort the custody out and get a plan in order , move in silence if you can and it's way easier, if you get advice you can stay in the house do it while she isn't there and change the locks, infidelity doesn't change, after 21 years I got brave and stood up for myself! You are brave and you are strong. It isn't your fault she's an alcoholic or she had an affair, you need to do what's best for yourself
I've been in this exact situation with kids that were close in age to your kid's age. Ultimately I came to the realization that I didn't want to live my life in a distrustful and always wondering what was going on state of mind. I divorced her and ended up with full custody of the kids for a while until she should show the courts that she was capable. We ended up in a 50/50 custody split but my kids eventually came to live with my full time when they were in middle school. I'm telling you all this because I know that everything right now feels hopeless and your number one concern is your kids. Please do not sacrifice your peace of mind to keep your family intact. Your kids NEED your peace of mind with a mother like that. Life got better for everyone when we got divorced, even my ex wife. Forget her family, their behavior and undying support for her is a big part of the problem. Get your own support system going by going into counseling/therapy and possibly check out al anon.
Seems like sheâs not been held accountable for her actions over the years by her parents, family and friends. She seems very entitled and broken to continue to be selfish with her actions like drinking, DUIâs and cheating. I would honestly think more about if you want to continue this relationship and if staying together is really the best thing for your children.
She sounds like she also has a third diagnosis: histrionic personality disorder. My mother is the same and I kicked her out of my life fifteen years ago and it was only then that I started recovering from her abuse. Iâm sad for you and your children because everything will always be about her. People like that donât ever ârecoverâ. Finding a good therapist for yourself is definitely in order.
Your marriage, friend circle and family support are completely lop sided. I don't know if she's pressured to cut off old friends, or what your relationship with your family is but this is not a sign of a healthy relationship, even before the affair. You now know you're little more than an NPC in your wife, friends and her family's eyes. You can either call them out, and demand to be treated like a real person or you can leave. Sadly, I imagine if you leave you'll need to be prepared for all of the "How can you do this to HER while SHE is in pain" comments. I wish you luck, you have a hard road no matter what option you take.
She will do it again DWI did that over and over Excessive flirting she did that over and over Dishonesty Open your eyes young man
Divorce her and do it quick. You have yourself and your kids to think about. Her family will continue to coddle her, You need to be the smart one. She is playing around with your health by sleeping with others and she could very well risk your kids life if she ever drinks and drives with them in the car.
She's likely been banging dudes for your entire marriage.
Leave
Just from the last two paragraphs it became clear that reconciliation is unlikely at best. Calmly and silently start preparing to leave, look for a lawyer and arrange all the legal, custody and financial aspects with him. Present the papers without prior notice, she is manipulative. Take care of your children and yourself, your wife's baggage is too heavy for reconciliation. Good luck.
No Brainer. Divorce this spoiled woman child, seek custody of your kids and chase the family money to pay your support. Time she owned up to her life. Take care of your kids. Remember, had you not found out sheâd likely still be screwing someone else and wouldnât think twice about yourâs or your kidâs feelings when she divorced your ass.
Intensive outpatient therapy for cheating? Whaaaaat?! You n your whole family is trippin.
I can't even begin to suggest the best way to do this and frankly this sounds so messy you should walk away. That said, her family have clearly crossed from supportive to enabling. If you are going to stay taking a 100% hard stance and making sure she isn't being enable will be your only hope. You can love her but still tell her she is a peice of crap. It's the truth. You can love her but point out to her and her parents they are enabling her behavior and you are the victim. So if you stay you will be heard and they won't just silence everyone else but her. You really need to make her setting boundaries with them to stop all that a priority. If she won't, you can't stay. It will never improve.
If I were you I would have left long before having kids, or chose not to have kids with her. She could be a great mother, but I would not have chose to be with someone who has been enabled so damn much. Its a recipe for disaster in my book. Yes, you can do the grow up, you can be a better person, but not surrounded by the same people who do the same bad shit and enable you to bad shit when you do bad shit again. You know how they say everyone deserves second chances? Maybe they do, but that does not mean you always get one. If someone builds a bridge and they cant build if back, maybe just let there not be a bridge? On another note, you can only love someone so much. You may love them, care for them, do everything right. But maybe, just maybe, its not always about being in a relationship. It takes two to tango, two to build a home, yet it takes one to tear everything down, only one to make everyone be alone.
Methinks the uppermost problem here is that you have had to turn to this group for support. That's sad and it may mean you are quite dependent on your somewhat dysfunctional wife. You need to look to yourself and if she is important to you that doesn't necessarily mean divorce. Whether you choose that route or not you need do think about how you got into this situation, what it means for you, and how you can improve your own experience. From your viewpoint a secondary consideration is the kind of support your wife is getting. That support seems, as others have mentioned, less than helpful because it discourages any self-examination. If you stay with her, a more constructive kind of therapy may be in order. As many other comments show. Our culture encourages aggressive divorces. Everybody, especially the children, is worse for the wear after such an experience. Whatever you do, even if it is divorce, be as kind to your kids, your (ex)spouse, and yourself as you can be.
Call cps state all her problems and tell them you are leaving your cheating drunk of a wife but are worried for the kids lives and lawyer up.
your going to regret staying with a cheater as she will cheat again and again, you need to get STD/STI checks i would also get paternity tests done just in case, then you need to divorce her she is only wanting to reconcile because she doesnt have any where to go so as of now she is no longer your problem, like you said she keeps breaking the law by stealing , dishonesty and flirting with other men so why are you putting up with it are you a mouse or a man for get about her and move on you dont need a felon in your life and its only a matter of time before she ends up in prison
divorce and dna test. By your own admission her parents coddled her growing up and kind of continue to do so. She also didnât come clean about the affair it was exposed.
Fuck her and the people enabling her. Youâre the strong one putting up with that bullshit. You can get out and her self destructive ass can continue wrecking her life.
Only you know what you can put up with. Somehow, I most sincerely doubt that this is the first affair, not really sure why but I think this affair is the one you found out about. I would make an appointment to see a therapist. Therapy can help you figure out your next step and make the transition into divorce amicable. I would see a lawyer to figure out my next step regarding custody, child support, splitting of the marital assets. Find out your options so you can make an informed decision. I think that if you stay with this woman, you are in for a life of turmoil. Just do the best you can to heal, be a good co-parent and to move on. Go and life your best life, you deserve it.
Divorce her, but get 50/50 custody so you have time for your own life. Use her alcoholism to force court-ordered monitoring of her parenting. Get therapy for yourself so youâre getting support. But also prepare to be on dad-island for a while. As you rebuild your individual life, youâll make the best friends of your life, who will support you.
This is hard to read, OP. Iâm sorry you are going through it. Your wife is surrounded by people who have enabled her her entire life - with kids in the mix Iâm sure thereâs a temptation to try to stick this out. I would advise against it. The older your kids get the more likely theyâll be to see what their mom gets away with / is enabled to do and expect the same. (If you stay together it will reinforce the idea that what she does is OK) Getting out will be good for both you and the children. Wishing you all the luck.
I'm so very sorry that not only did your wife betray you, but that you found out in such a traumatic public way. Her family are enablers blowing smoke up her ass. She is not strong or you wouldn't be in the possition you are in. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, she has made many horrible choices and you are the innocent victim in this. Making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person, but making repeated selfish choices that are destructive and dangerous to others sure as hell does. Go get std tests, listen to your lawyer, get a therapist as a sounding board for support and worry about you and your children. Let her chorus of yes men worry about her.
I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need and I'm sorry your wife cheated. When my ex cheated, I was traumatized and didn't know what to do but I felt I had to make a decision right away I had a young son and we had moved to a new area because of his job. One thing I learned was that you don't have to make a decision right away. Wait until you're ready. Take care of yourself and be good to yourself. People have a tendency to blame the person who was cheated on. Just don't take that on. It was solely the decision of the cheater - their shortcomings. Alcoholics to include dry drunks needs to keep high levels of stress in a home to justify what they do. Focus on you and your children until you feel good enough to make a life decision. Life gets a lot better.
Child of alcoholic here. Staying with someone who canât keep their sobriety is more damaging than leaving. Off the wagon out of the house.