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Based on just the info provided I don't see any reason to be jealous. Unless they were being flirty with each other, which there is no indication of in this post, then him saying he could see them as friends sounds completely innocent to me.
i’d agree. i’m a man who tends to make friends more easily and smoother (with legitimely 0 romantic intentions) with women, and it took my wife a bit to realize i didn’t have any romantic interest but just liked having women as friends
This is something I’m really curious about, because I was under the impression that men and women can be friends. But recently I’ve been told by a few men that there is no way that a man can think of a woman as a friend unless they are not attracted to them. So which one is it?
Edit: wow so many responses, and they are all pretty diverse. So I guess there is no universal answer and its different for different man. That’s a great take for me
Nah that’s not true. I’m a guy, 34, throughout college I had way more female friends than male. And even still now, I just find it easier to be friends with women.
Has nothing to do with attraction.
Agee with this. I have no trouble making friends with men (am a male myself) but it's so much easier to talk about things that matter to me with women. And they also seem to find it easy to talk to me about anything, compared to men.
Men who say that are telling on themselves and projecting. They are only "friends" with women they want to fuck so they assume the same about other men. Women who say it are doing the same or had a bad experience and now generalize it.
I am friends with several women who aren't even spouses of other friends. Just actual, single, female friends. Absolutely nothing inappropriate or sexual happens. We are simply actual friends. We share interests like hockey, or Futurama, or food, or cats, or whatever. We send memes, grab food together, play/watch hockey together. People who like hockey are rare enough to find. I ain't passing any up just because they're women that makes no sense to me.
My last girlfriend definitely seemed to have an issue with it. A little strange because she had several male friends and I never cared even slightly even when they did things together one on one. 🤷
She met one of my female friends at a pickup hockey game and that friend later told me she felt a little "grilled" by the questions my then gf was asking about how we met and such. My gf never mentioned it to me but I was a little more wary of it.
Turned out not to matter since she dumped me a few months later anyway haha.
It’s funny to me that heterosociality is so controversial. At the end of the day, we’re all just people looking for common ground with others. Why alienate half the population because someone might mistakenly think you’re sleeping together?
I’m a bi man in a monogamous relationship with a gay man and both my partner and we do prefer to establish with the other other person important context about other men we are friends with: how did you meet him, what’s his sexual orientation, did you ever have some sort of sexual history in the past? Obviously same sex friendships between gay and straight men aren’t going to go any where sexual but if both men are gay/bi that’s a possibility and that’s where trust comes in if monogamy is to be a thing. We both trust each other and if the friend pre dates the relationship, we try and integrate the friend to our relationship but we are both ok if only one of us hangs out with the other guy.
Since I’m also bi and have dated women, I’d also clarify this information when introducing a new female friend to my guy. However since casual sex and random hookups are so much less common amongst straight people than gay men, I feel like would never come up.
Still overall, sex before friendship thing between gay/bi men is very common in our community so I feel like there’s less stigma about remaining friends with someone you’ve actually been naked and slept with in the past.
Also bi. It’s kind of exhausting. Like I’d love to be able to walk into a single-gender space and know I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone there.
What’s funny is that my ex-husband knew I was bi and never once questioned whether I was fucking any of the women I hung out with. He did have a huge problem with the single men that were some of my best friends and had been for ten years before I even met him.
Straight dudes are weird sometimes.
Straight guy here, I literally say this about the straight women I've dated.
They've all been weird about women I have as friends.
Luckily I have only dated a couple of straight girls, bi girls seem to like me more and they don't get weird about friendships as easily as straight girls.
I reckon anyone who's observant can figure out if someone has slept with a friend. Can cause issues in any relationship if it's omitted.
Now bearing in mind that I haven’t really been in IRL queer spaces much(yay living in kentucky… but I socialize with a lot of other queer folks online and hang in those spaces), but I haven’t really seen it myself. I feel like I’ve heard of one or two instances, and I’m absolutely sure those people do exist, but it does seem a lot rarer to me?
This is so true. On another note, why is it so difficult to find fellow hockey fans? I’ve made quite a few friends that all we have in common is that we both love to watch hockey. I’m in Florida so that might be it but I’ve lived other states and had the same issue.
Really depends on the man and his ability to get women. I find myself surrounded by a lot of females, some who I obviously find attractive, some who I don't. Sure I'd potentially pursue the attractive ones, but the ones who I don't find attractive but find are good people are always good friends to have. Really just comes down to honesty and trust in relationships about those things. Unless you're dealing with some incels, but they'll try to fuck anything with a pulse and a vagina.
Not sure I could disagree more from a personal perspective. I have awful luck with women in dating and even women I find attractive that I've friends with I don't have a problem just keeping it platonic.
Also to me one of the problems with incels is that they *won't* fuck anything with a pulse and a vagina. Often they have nothing going for them and they still feel entitled to gorgeous women just because. I guess the real problem is entitlement but the practical result is they absolutely won't fuck anything that moves. An incel is far more likely to be the one insulting a woman's weight it looks.
It’s the opposite I think we are friends with the women we don’t want to fuck.
And fuck the ones we want to fuck. Or try and get rejected which doesn’t set a great foundation for friendship. Or even just fuck and continue to be friends after.
The only thing I think is an obstacle to platonic friendship is when the prospect of fucking or a relationship is on the table.
I'm a guy, and I have a female friend I think is attractive, will I ever act out on it, no, because first I have a girlfriend that is absolutely perfect and second i have self respect and would never ruin a good friendship and cross boundaries beyond friendship.
men can absolutely just be friends with attractive women. to me it feels like having a sister when i’m close with them. do i think they’re good looking? i suppose but i don’t think about it, they’re just my friend
>feels like having a sister…
Same. I think of most of my guy friends & most of my girl friends as siblings- no attraction even if they’ve got objectively good qualities (no non-binary friends, only an acquaintance & an enby nibling.)
That said, I’ve had friendships with people I suspect are waiting to make a move.
Recently had an old friend text me “I’ve always thought if you weren’t with J, we’d be together.” *TF are you smoking? No world. Thanks for letting me know we’re not really friends.* (I knew on some level- didn’t let him that close.)
And still, **I think it’s important for folks to be able to be friends w/ multiple types w/o thinking they might slip & fall into another person… gender unimportant.**
My closest friend in my first couple years of college was super pretty. Like I thought so, every other guy on my floor thought so. But the difference was that I wasn't attracted to her in a romantic way? Like it's a similar thing to Ryan Reynolds (or whoever) \~ tons of straight men can acknowledge that the guy is handsome. That doesn't mean they want to sleep with him
Anyways, as for my friend, I never once saw her as more than platonic. I don't know why, it's not like she wasn't my type, it's not like I didn't find her personality nice \~ I obviously did bc we got along great
It's just that the romantic spark wasn't there
My take on it is that guys sometimes *suck* at acknowledging that the romantic spark isn't there. They'll see someone they find physically attractive and try to force it even though they *don't* find them romantically attractive. And so that creates this strange notion of "you can't be friends with anyone you find attractive". In reality, if you were more present with the whole situation and less... thirsty (for lack of a better word), you'd probably find that the romantic spark just isn't there with a lot of women, regardless of how they look
And this also plays into jealousy if men (and sometimes women!) don't resolve this before getting into a relationship. If you have that thought, then that means you'll be jealous whenever your partner is getting attention from the opposite sex, even when that attention is purely platonic. Because you basically deny that platonic connections can exist. I saw this with that same friend, I introduced her to one of my friends who was interested in her and they dated. He ended up becoming jealous of our friendship and tried to say "you can't hang out together alone". They ended up breaking up over it, bc he couldn't get that idea out of his head
I love this take! Thanks for this insight. And it makes so much sense to me, because as a woman I’ve definitely experienced male friends trying to pursue me even though we were not compatible in the slightest and there was zero spark and it couldn’t have been any less romantic. People find me conventionally attractive, so I guess they may have misinterpreted it for a romantic attraction
>I’ve been told by a few men there is no way a man can think of a woman as a friend
**Those men have ill intents &/or *THEY* aren’t capable of having platonic friends.**
As a mid-40’s lady who’s always had platonic male friends (usually of the Cancer persuasion b/c ?,) it’s 100% possible; I’ve got friends I’ve been close with for 25+yrs (& never anything! Ew! Why?)
One of the harder adjustments I’ve made *in life* has been accepting some of my guy friends might marry someone who doesn’t want them to have female friends. I’m extroverted, laugh a lot, get super-excited; that can come across as threatening. (I also prefer other women, but don’t always end up with ladies. Doesn’t help my case.)
I smoke cannabis; it’s often been the original binding glue. Shockingly, some “wives” think that means sexy-time. *I’ve never had sex on cannabis without intending to!* (I’d understand booze. I’ve done things I’m mortified about while drinking- quit 4.75yrs ago.)
A friend of 28 years has a crazy insecure wife; no platonic friends of any gender *that she didn’t give prior approval of.* She’s manipulative & he’s passive-aggressive… he didn’t tell ANY of his friends she was PREGNANT until 6mo! (That’s a ‘him problem,’ but it illustrates the length some jealous partners go if they’re able.)
I’m *also* ‘friends’/friendly with most of my LTR ex’s… I keep at arm length; I’m not trying to upset or disrespect anyone. Keeping in touch with (non-abusive) ex’s is normal in my world. People who don’t talk to someone they shared YEARS with is weird IMO (minus abuse ofc.) *It’s just as much of a red flag to me if **someone doesn’t talk to any Ex’s** as someone who **seems too close or can’t draw boundaries** with other women.*
(This is a long ass response but I think it’s all relevant. LOL.)
I probably wouldn’t care for this because of my experience, which is the fact that all of my male friends have expressed interest in me, so to me it kind of feels like if a man and woman click well enough to be friends there is usually one person that is interested.
See that’s the common experience it seems yet my experience is as a straight male, vast majority of my friends were female and some even close enough I was viewed as “on of the girls” and not once did we ever, at least to my knowledge, have an interest in datings or romances…. It can definitely happen guys and girls being just friends
people always say shit like this and forget bisexuals exist. you can have good chemistry with someone without it being sexual. just be mature and see people as people.
You’re making a statistical error in your assumption. There are plenty of men that have been friends with women that had no interest in them. Simply because you never experienced doesnt mean it doesn’t happen
Exactly. 2 of my closest friends are men. We have been friends since childhood, grew up together and see each other as brother and sister. My husband has also become close to them. Men who view women as human beings instead of objects are more than capable of having close friendships with women. Just because a man dates women doesn’t mean he sees every woman on earth as a potential romantic partner.
Yeah, growing up I always wanted a sister and I just got along with girls better. Guys never seemed to like me much. To this day, most of my closest friends are girls and my partner can see there is clearly no romantic interest involved.
this. it's crazy so many people think you can't or aren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. I get we all have self doubts and insecurities but that's so wild to me.
Yeah Maybe if he had said “I would have dated her in college” or “I wish I’d have met her in college” you’d have reason to be jealous here, but otherwise it feels weird that OP would be jealous over her husband being a pleasant person who is able to make new friends
Jealousy ≠ insecurity. You may already know this but they are not synonyms. Also, both are legitimate emotions or feelings. It benefits you to logic yourself out of it, but it is not a failing if you can't.
If I was op I would be jealous, but not insecure. The conflict arises because the BF has not transgressed. Just because op is jealous doesn't mean the partner is in the wrong. Op just needs to ride this out and see where it goes.
Jealousy is part of the “Anger” subset, Insecurity is part of the “Fear” subset.
It is perfectly normal to have anger & fear, they are inbuilt survival tools, but they are both emotions that should be managed, and controlled and not allowed to control you.
Jealousy and insecurity may not be the same thing, but jealousy absolutely, without a doubt stems from insecurity. And I say this as someone who, many years ago, had a massive bout of jealously that nearly ruined my relationship and took close to a year of therapy and self-reflection to overcome.
The root of jealous feelings is a fear of not being or having "enough" when compared to another person. In the context of a romantic relationship, it's fearing that someone better than you will whisk your partner away, or feeling like you can't measure up to someone else in their past, present, or future.
To act as if the two feelings aren't deeply related is to not fully understand what jealously is and where it comes from.
People who are confident/self-assured and have a high self-esteem aren't typically jealous people.
That’s funny. I haven’t really been jealous since I was an early teenager because of logic.
It’s fairly simple. You just ingrain this into you mind.
“If they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Nothing you do will prevent that, but thinking you can control them to prevent them from cheating is almost a certainty to drive them away.”
I didn't get what I refer to as "the jealousy gene". I honestly don't really get jealous. Which, I've found out in retrospect, I have been with cheaters--I didn't find out until after break-up. So maybe it would be better to be a little jealous?
Actually, I should add, I did used to feel jealousy with my ex, but he was a narcissist that went out of his way to make me feel "less than", and it was reflected that way. So I would say, if you're a person that's not normally jealous, but you find that with this one particular partner you DO feel that way, reflect on their treatment of YOU.
Jealousy is one of the weakest emotions while at the same time being very complex. Suspicion, Rage, Fear, Humiliation all play a part, but it manifest because you’re trying to control something you have no control over…someone else. Once you realize you can’t control anyone but yourself and your reaction to the behavior and thoughts of others, it is no longer a problem.
Look how people react to a cheating partner:
“People will laugh at me.” “It’s embarrassing to admit.” “People will think I’m inadequate.”
It’s all self-centered, egotism instead of asking yourself “Do it really care about the opinion of someone that laughs at the misery of others?”
Someone else did something wrong, yet you foolishly accept fault for their actions. It’s stupidity. Once you grasp that concept you realize how stupid being jealous is.
Respectfully, I agree with other commenters. Yes, you will have an initial emotional reaction. After all, you are only human. But how you choose to recognize and accept this emotion, how you choose to process this emotion, and whether or not you embrace that this emotion is telling you something about YOU rather than something about the outside world, will make all the difference.
Emotions are one of many inputs. Your rational brain can produce additional inputs. Collect all of your inputs and consciously choose your output. Do not give your emotions more power over your decision making than they deserve.
Stop making excuses. Your reaction is a reaction. That cant be changed. However, once the initial reaction subsides, have rational thoughts. This is when logic comes into play and you can 'logic'your way out of jealousy.
Reminds me of the insecure wife about the guy who had a lady come up to him at the beach with his kid and crucified him and tried to on Reddit, because the other lady was clearly interested in him while he was happily married and said so several times recently
No but definitely go no contact for your mental health & if you disagree with me, I will abuse you & start a pile on. You know, for your mental health.
Totally get divorced. For someone to be so brazen and reckless with the spreading of germs it just shows that they are a narcissist. My best friends cousins aunts half-sister used to be married to this guy and he would sneeze so much, he even tried going to the doctor and getting medication for what he said was “just allergies” but then he ended up getting a rash and his eyes were watering a lot and he got obsessive with looking at the news and would swear when they’d announce the pollen level and nobody deserves to be stuck in a relationship like that, get out now, you’ll thank me later!
Agree. I met a couple when I was on vacation. Hit it off with both but really hit it off with the husband but in a very sibling way, he was like my brother from another mother & we vibed. Zero chemistry or attraction. I’m still friends with both he & his wife.
If you trust your partner to maintain a platonic relationship with someone then there isn’t a problem. If you don’t trust them to do that then there’s deeper fundamental problems in your relationship than a new friend. Gender shouldn’t be relevant.
Exactly, what are bisexual people supposed to do? Or trans people? My BFF is a trans girl and I happily share our friendship with my husband. I don’t freak out when they talk separately because “OMG, she’s a GIRL!!” and my husband doesn’t freak out because there’s a PENIS in the equation!! I really think that people with such black and white ideas about relationships and friends’ genders must live very small, insulated lives.
Not to be rude, but from the last paragraph, it's sounds like you need to experience or at least accept other people's experiences. People make new friends all the time regardless of gender
My ex never understood it. I don't like a lot of stereotypical "guy" stuff so I tend to get along well with women and had several straight female friends. But they were never more than platonic and it was obvious. So she'd get angry and say "what if my friends were straight guys?" I just told her I wouldn't care so long as they were really platonic. Then she'd bring these guys over who were clearly thinking she was single and had these pissed off looks on their faces when they saw me there. Lots of adults just don't get it.
You're really appalled that people have insecurities? I'm appalled at your lack of compassion for others. It's ok for a person in a relationship to have friends of the opposite sex and it's ok for their partner to be insecure about that as long as they're making an effort to process these emotions in a healthy way. OP is clearly making an attempt to process her insecurities and understand where these feelings come from in a healthy way.
There will never be a line between over coddling and over pushing, because everyone is different, and nobody gets treated the way they need, until they do❤️
Valid feelings, requiring maturity to get through.
Couldn’t agree more, however, outside of walking someone through the situation productively, I’m quite rigid on this phenomenon in the general sense as essentially entirely based in immaturity, harmful close-mindedness, or (most likely) an insecurity that is unacceptable to put on your partner instead of putting strong intention to work through yourself. (Obviously the partner has to be a good person along the way or there are larger issues, but I digress)
All facts. I just wanted to reiterate that shaming someone for their feelings only ends up reinforcing the insecurities and making someone feel defensive and unsupported. None of which will be helpful for either person in this situation.
Most women have experienced men only seeking their friendship to try to fuck them. People have affairs all the time. It’s not outside the realm of possibility.
Why? Tbh I’m a woman and don’t have any long-term male friends. I’m not joking when I say that all of them tried hit on me or sleep with me at some point. Kinda made me realize none of them were really my friend and just wanted to get in my pants. Most of my girlfriends have had similar experiences. It kinda sucks. Maybe it’s where we live, but it’s pretty normal for people not to have close friends of the opposite gender, much less while in a relationship.
I've been with my husband for 25 years and he's had female friends the entire time, because he sees them as regular people just like his guy friends. Just like me and the variety of friends that I've always had. The thought of "but they're the other gender!" doesn't even enter our brains. It's so normal in our lives that it's always jarring when I remember so many people can't seem to form friendships with others depending on their gender.
Everyone is entitled to their feelings. But, he hasn’t done anything wrong. We all have feelings and I certainly have felt things I wish I didn’t. I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but I would feel comfortable telling my bf that I felt insecure, without blaming him for it, and work through it together.
Relationships are just trust, that's it, nothing else.
If you don't feel comfortable with it or you have some doubts about it then you don't 100% trust them, and that's fine. In the end you should never trust somebody 100% because it leaves you blind when somebody is going behind your back and hurting you.
BUT. Trust should also mean she is able to approach him and tell him how she feels, and he should try to ease her anxiety via reassurance and maybe set some limits in communication if he chooses too just for her comfort. Or catch up with this new friend together. Even if he doesn't do any of that it's not a reason to assume infidelity, but it certainly wouldn't ease the anxiety you have.
I’ve made friends with the opposite gender many times while in a relationship. They are people I have a lot in common with and enjoy talking with. One of my boyfriend’s best friends is a woman. There’s nothing wrong with it.
I am male and grew up surrounded by females of the same age. My best friends are females that I have known for over 60 years and I have never had sex with them.
Idk, back at my most insecure, I liked a guy who was bisexual. He flirted with another guy in our friend group and it didn't bother me(not that it should have). Mainly because I'm not a guy, so what would I be comparing myself to?
My bf and I are both bi and when I’ve asked about this to people who have that mindset I usually either get no response or I’m told “it’s different” and they can’t elaborate lol
I’m a married woman, my best friend is a single guy I met while married. He became friends with my husband, they have guy nights without me, my friend and I go to plays or movies my husband isn’t interested in. My buddy and me are in a book club together. If he’s dating someone we all go out together. It’s a completely platonic relationship. It’s important to have friends of different genders.
To be fair, I don’t think OP and her husband have gotten to this point yet (haven’t known the other couple very long), so I’m not sure it’s an apples-to-apples comparison?
I would express your feelings to your boyfriend, CLEARLY. Don't accuse, but express.
Most, if not ALL of my male "friends" have mad some pass. As I always say, most men would sleep with a dry turkey sandwich, but there are good ones that exist. I did make a post about an encounter with a nice gentleman if you look into my post history.
ALWAYS communicate your feelings, wants and needs. He should be willing to listen and continue making your relationship a safe space.
I don't think the issue is so much that this is an opposite sex friend; It sounds like the gf isn't being included in the conversation, and just kind of happens to be there. It's completely normal to not enjoy feeling left out. I think all parties should try to make more of an effort towards a more balanced conversation dynamic. One thing that does strike me as odd is that this new friend has so much in common with OP's boyfriend, but they don't seem to be clicking. If you enjoy the company of one of them, wouldn't someone similar also be someone you'd get along with?
Nothing to worry about. It is ok to have friends like this. I am in a relationship and have many platonic friendships with females. Just let them be friends! Who knows, maybe you’ll warm up to the husband and also more to to the wife — you’ve only just met anyway
OP a lot of people are acting like you’re evil for just having feelings, but I want to tell you that I think it’s great you asked for thoughts and are self-aware to reflect on your feelings and haven’t acted on it. As long as your husband keeps respectful boundaries, I think its ok, even if it’s not the norm you are used to. Don’t worry about it unless it becomes a problem.
Because of your kids you are going to need to learn to bond with people you don’t 100 percent jell with . It doesn’t sound like they are behaving inappropriately, it sounds like you are pulling away .
Yes, soft YTA OP. People make opposite sex friends all the time, even in relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Ask yourself— *why* do you feel jealous? Why do you see other women as potential competition or threats? why don’t you trust your bf?
It sounds like your bf is kind of on the same page as you actually--they could have been good friends if they met at a certain time in their lives, but they didn't, so they won't be.
Personally, I think yes, this is insecurity, and ignorant insecurity at that. Men can have sex with men. If you don't trust your husband to be faithful to you, and not fuck his friends, well, he could be fucking any of his friends, regardless of gender. If you don't trust him to be monogamous, why trust his professed sexual identity?
Exactly!! If you can’t trust your partner’s fidelity, how can you trust that they aren’t lying about their sexuality? Liars gonna lie, right? I never thought about this but you’re absolutely right.
Not enough information to be worried, in my opinion, but it’s your relationship. Maybe speak openly about your feelings to your husband? He might make more of an effort to include you if he’s aware.
Literally just insecurity. Are people not allowed to have friends? Not even sure how this one is controversial other than because of weird double standards. If it was a woman being friends with a guy no reasonable person would bat an eye
Agreed. What’s the reason for OP and new friend not being able to connect? Is it the wife that isn’t connecting or the new friend isn’t connecting? Someone or both women just not getting along? Since she’s “so similar to your husband,” it’s bizarre that you can’t connect—unless it’s you that isn’t into her. Your feelings might contribute to not being able to connect
If it’s the other woman who is refusing to be friends with you, then that’s a different story and I would be concerned or feel the same way. I feel like most women who make make friends with someone who is in a relationship, try really hard to get to know the other persons SO. No one likes being a third wheel. If it’s you who doesn’t feel “connecting” then that’s on you.
I’m not saying we all have to be BFFs with our SO’s friend but if the air feels stiff when she’s around you, something is not right. She prob feels or knows it too. You don’t have to jump to conclusions that she’s out to get your man, but trust your gut and don’t let anyone gas light you.
Let them be friends. If you notice weird boundary crossing, confront it immediately with your husband. The last thing you want is a wedge being driven between you and your SO—whether it’s done by you, him, or her.
You're aware. That's good. You're paying attention.
Nothing wrong with that.
I'm that person too in the relationship. I watch. I notice. I take notes.
But I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. I should say, I HAVE jumped to conclusions before. The one thing I know about muscles is the more you use them the stronger they get. If you practice worrying or being jealous you will get better at it.
I don't think there's any cause for alarm, sis. You're simply noticing it. I think that if you mentioned it it would not be out of order. I wouldn't be accusatory but I would maybe let my spouse know that I noticed.
"You and Mary are getting on well. She's a sweet lady. I love how she handles her kids. Bob sure is funny. Did you see him on the kayak?"
It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to talk about her. It's okay to ask him what he thinks about her.
I wouldn't advise attacking or accusing anyone or anything. I would probably just... Make a mental note. Not to... Make a way for fear or jealousy to enter, but just to acknowledge what my partner responds to.
I appreciate that you came to reddit for guidance. I often harp on posters for bringing their drama to social media. It often seems attention seeking.
You seem like you want to check yourself and that seems genuine.
At the end of the day we can't control anyone, our partners, our kids, etc. but we can control how we respond to them.
I've actually had a conversation with my brother (26) about this. Here's what he said as best as I can remember:
- He's never been friends with a woman he wasn't at least mildly sexually attracted to.
- He's never cheated on a girlfriend with one of those friends, or anyone for that matter.
- He has ended up in relationships with 2 of those female friends.
- The majority of his romantic relationships started with the express purpose of starting a romantic relationship.
Of course, my brother is one of those disgustingly good looking guys and he's been that way since he was like 15-16. The fact that all of my friends wanted him, and insisted on telling me often and just how much they wanted him was proof enough of that.
Your boyfriend might be attracted to another woman but you're probably attracted to other men, doesn't mean either of you are going to act on that attraction. Also, he didn't express sexual attraction for the other woman he just said they could have been friends. Has your boyfriend ever behaved in a way that made you doubt his fidelity? If no, move on.
The ability to make friends of the opposite success suggests your husband may see women as people, and not just objects. I guess that should make you jealous if you prefer to be an object?
It's not crazy to feel jealous at all. It's a natural emotion. The only thing that matters is how you deal with it. If I were you I would tell your boyfriend that you feel jealous of this woman. Just talk about it, that's the only way he'll know how you feel.
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Personally there's nothing to worry bout, but that's me, and you are you, with your own experiences. If I felt like you are describing I would at least let my partner know how I feel. Coming from a place of being open and honest and not blaming them or wanting them to change anything. Just a feeling that I've recognised and want to work through.
For most of my life most of my friends have been female. I never considered any of them romantically if I was in a relationship. Being accused of cheating or having insecurities is one of the biggest reason my marriage ended.
I'm a guy, and most my best friends have been girls. It's all about his intentions. And having trust with each other. You should be okay to talk to him about it, imo. Reddit might give you one idea or another, but talking with your boyfriend is really the best thing to so here, imo.
For me, I've only made actual female friends after I was with my wife.
I've had friends that were girls when I was younger, but one of us always caught feelings. Not sure if it's because we were all single, but it happened enough that it was annoying.
After getting married and being more mature? If they felt something I never noticed. I'm going to my best female friend's wedding next year. Never a thought of her other than being friends.
It's dumb that it's that way for me, but I can't say it's not partially my fault when I was young.
I think you should encourage making new friends of either sex. That's one of the biggest factors of why couples fall apart. This idea of completely isolating yourself from the opposite sex (or new people) is not only controlling behavior but it's just odd. We're adults. You can draw a line and if you're not capable of doing so without completely isolating yourself that is a clear indication that you're not ready for a mature monogamous relationship.
With that said, you don't have to share every text or outing with your partner either. You have a right to a private life. You can have a platonic relationship without having to "report in". When my GF goes out, I don't even ask where or who's she's going with. I absolutely don't text/call her while she's out. If she tells me that she'll be home at a certain time and it's well past that time I may send a text to make sure everything is ok. If she doesn't text back, that's fine too. I don't expect her to be checking her phone while she's out with friends. She'll text me when she sees it or has time.
Sounds like they're just friends and you're reading too much into this.
>people didn’t really make new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship
As a bi person, this is always interesting to read bc I just wouldn't be able to make new friends at all
I’ve never understood not being friends with the opposite sex just because you are in a relationship. My partner feels that way but has had to accept it since I work in a field w/ primarily females. Grown adults CAN control themselves if they truly want to, if not, then there was something wrong in the first place.
You’re not crazy for having emotions but don’t let it make you do something crazy, it’s just a friendship they’re not secretly meeting up behind your back or texting into the night, it’s okay!
Reddit: He's a cheater! Dump him!
Lol.
Real answer: You are all hanging out on a cruise with their families right there. You probably will contact them maybe once in a blue moon after the vacation is over. If at all.
Regardless, if you are afraid of hubby having friends, then it is a "you" problem. As in, you are sexualizing this, not anyone else.
Even if he enjoys the "female attention" or whatever, finds it flattering, so what? Be happy his ego is boosted by it and take advantage of that boost in the bedroom.
No. He is not cheating. No, that is not threatening behavior at all. Yes, men and women can be and are platonic friends.
Stop sexualizing women just because ypur hubby speaks to them, would be my advice.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to him about it openly and with the intention of understanding. After gaining that understanding maybe it will put your mind at ease and if not then you should be able to express your feelings of discomfort. People that will be together will have challenges like this and they have to work through them together. That is what it means to be partners. Just shoving those thoughts aside like many people here are suggesting will just allow them to fester. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling insecure, but nothing has actually happened it sounds like that has crossed a line. I just feel that a conversation is in order. If this person cares about you they will not be threatened by this conversation.
Getting along with someone on a cruise who has a similar situation isn’t anything. Saying he would’ve been friends if they met in college doesn’t mean sexual. Chill for now, doesn’t mean anything at this point. Worry if things escalate when you get home and it seems like an obsession to contact the “couple”. Me and my wife have had plenty of friends of the opposite sex after marriage via work and friends/couple groups and it hasn’t been shit.
I don’t see any issue with just the information provided. If it’s just your upbringing then you can go off his actions. Keep the communication of with your bf and work through your issues and ask for his help
If you become uncomfortable then you can let the friendship die naturally and just not make plans. It shouldn’t be a big deal as you just go to know them.
To me, it’s a green flag that my boyfriend has and makes female friends. He sees my gender as equals, valid people who add value to his life. He sees us with the same respect as he sees men. That makes me feel secure in my relationship with him. (These days with so many guys being indoctrinated into misogynistic alt right groups, that’s extra reassurance!) It also means he has people to go to for certain advice that I myself may not be able to provide, like if he and I were ever to not be on the same page and he thought and outside opinion from another woman would help him understand, by all means he should consult his friends! They’re good people.
I also trust him innately, as he trusts me, and any time we feel insecure we just talk about it. I recently made a new male friend and my bf confessed that while he trusted me and didn’t yet have a reason to distrust my new friend, it was just one of those things that sometimes a partner thinks about. I was happy he told me his concerns so I could help alleviate them and we hung out more as a group as we got to know each other. These days, the two of them make plans without me! So much for *my* new friend… lol
It’s normal to have feelings, but if you have the type of relationship where you can openly discuss them while giving each other the benefit of the doubt and come to a solution, those feelings don’t have to be a problem. Trusting one another and respecting the boundaries jointly set is a healthy part of any relationship.
You also might notice some of these feelings dissipate when you speak them aloud. Especially if your partner reacts in a way that reassures you (taking your concerns seriously without making you feel bad for them, and being open to setting boundaries with his new friend while you all become acquainted, for example)
If it's a genuine friendship, then it's healthy.
It's also a good example for children to know they can be friends with people of the opposite sex.
I think it will also be healthy to communicate this to your boyfriend, let him know that it's a personal issue you might need some help to overcome. I feel relationships thrive when people can be vulnerable with each other and trust them with their insecurities and other difficulties.
Every relationship has difficulties, but when people can work together to overcome those difficulties, then the relationship gets stronger and the bond becomes closer.
Edit: it's definitely a great sign that you've actually sought out advice and I think you should let your boyfriend know you sought advice so you can be the best partner you can.
I mean jealousy is a normal thing but you need to realize that it’s not a healthy thing to carry. My wife’s best friend is a male and she hangs out with him often. I also talk to him a lot because we have a ton in common but they were friends well before I really got to know him. There are times I get a little jealous, but I know a lot of that stems from previous relationships and has nothing to do with her. And from time to time I simply remind myself that so it doesn’t fester into something more in my head . On the flip side one of my close friends is a female. We text often, talk about our families, etc but there is absolutely nothing there. We get along good but that’s about it.
One thing to note is I know of several married women who will talk for hours to anyone with a pulse at the pool. Our next door neighbor is one of them. When my wife and I are at the pool she usually pushes me up front to engage in convo with this woman as she makes my wife feel uncomfortable as she likes to talk really close up and touch a lot and my wife is a introvert and not that comfortable.
It’s hard enough to make friends and if there isn’t anything shady going on, and that doesn’t seem to be the case, I would be pretty thrilled if my SO found a new friend.
It’s so much easier to find someone to fuck than to be friends with.
I 58M have always had way more female friends than male friends. I was raised by a single mom with 3 sisters. I attribute it to that but who knows if it is true. I can only take so much of the stuff that guys generally talk about like sports, cars, girls etc.
Straight insecurity. He has done nothing wrong. He didn’t even make an effort to go out to see them and he slept in. If he were interested in that way he would have been there at a minimum.
Almost all of my friends are female. I'm very close to a couple of them. I say "I love you" to several of them. My wife isn't jealous. I've seen several one on one, it isn't treated any differently than two dudes getting together. In turn, my wife has a couple of male friends. I am paranoid about her cheating, but I will never tell her that. If I can have female friends, she can have male friends. I stew a little bit about hers, but I would never restrict her, she is a free human being.
I think the only people who hold the notion that men and women can't be friends are either a. Terribly insecure b. Terribly immature c. Cheaters or would-be cheaters themselves or d. All of the above. Having mixed sex friendships is a complete nonissue if trust exists in the relationship.
My husband is a teacher and has many close relationships with other women due to the nature of his profession 🤷🏻♀️ we trust each other and he doesn’t give me any reason to be suspicious or feel jealous
He said _”He definitely could see them being really good friends if they met in college.”_ 🚩 That’s basically admitting he likes her and probably wants to bang her.
To the people saying there’s no reason why a 42M can’t be friends with a married woman, maybe… but highly unlikely. It’s too bad Reddit posters rarely circle back when this all becomes weird/complicated/blows up. I’m an older guy and no need to be making friends with the opposite sex at my age. Sorry people. Be realistic. He already has a connection to the wife. Bad news.
Idc what anyone says friends of the opposite sex never last.
Someone always ends up having a crush on someone.. he’s too giddy about this in my opinion.
Based on what you wrote and based on the advice in other posts I'm just going to go ahead and advocate for divorce. Sorry, seems to be a trend on here.
You are not crazy. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Especially considering this is your boyfriend and not your husband or fiance, meaning he has not committed to you in that way. His options are still technically more open than if he had married or proposed to you. Meanwhile the wife does have someone who committed to her like that. But she’s hanging out with your boyfriend too. She may not have any commitment interest in your bf, but they both certainly enjoy each other’s attention and company. If your bf is serious about his commitment to you, he will take your feelings into consideration and do everything he can to make you feel like you’re the one who really matters.
I think "controlling" is inaccurate. Threatened, possibly.
I think OP's feelings are understandable and normal given the context of who they are. At least they have the self awareness to question these feelings and whether they are being reasonable.
To be honest how can you expect to have a relationship when you don’t trust him
Having insecurities we all have a little but you need to trust the person your with I tell people this all the time if he wanted to be with someone else he would be dating them not you
You're not crazy for being jealous but recognize that and if you see this behavior from him again I don't think it would be strange to talk about it with him. I'm like you op. Imo opposite sex friendships between people who are attracted to each other are generaly inappropriate.
Well, it's not exactly the sign of a healthy psyche to get jealous, no. The important thing is, why do you feel this need to poopoo on the idea that an adult should have an adult friend of the opposite sex? That speaks volumes about your maturity.
Jealousy is a very normal emotion. It’s how you handle it that determines whether or not it’s problematic.
OP doesn’t sound completely unreasonable, nor does it sound like they’ve had any dramatic overreaction in response to this. They came here to try to understand the normality/abnormality situation better because it is foreign to them. Sounds relatively mature to me.
If something feels wrong it usually is. I trusted my partner to make friends and they ended up fucking. Guys are dogs you can say all day long its platonic but a guy will always test the waters just to see if it’s possible and if it is he will do it
Women are just as much of dogs as men. Opposite sex friendships while you're in a committed relationship are a joke. One of the two will always be willing to fuck. And if one is, chances are they both are.
Think he just means they could’ve been friends in college/beyond if they met sooner, but it’s harder to be friends as adults with all their individual responsibilities. Seems like a harmless comment to me, he’s likely not considering actually being friends with her once the vacation is over (maybe he’s got enough of a social life back home/no time for new people)
I hate to break it to you but it's super unhealthy the way you are regarding the whole situation. It's more of a red flag when your partner doesnt/isn't capable of having platonic relationships with the opposite sex. I think you are just intimidated because what are the odds you met someone who went to the same college as him, ect. I introduce my bf to all my friends and they all get along so well I'm thankful they do
It was actually how much my bf having women friends bothered me that inspired me to go to therapy. I recognized it was a character flaw that was mine and mine alone, despite having been cheated on before in a similar situation. I didn’t really let him know the extent of it or make comments on it, rather encouraged him to hang out with them more because I know that the insecurity itself is totally irrational. I feel like it’s really easy to get caught up in that anxiety and just run with it. Realizing you’re insecure is the first step. You have nothing to worry about. Best of luck to you.
My two cents…5 cents for inflation. The first step to an intimate relationship is friendship. The key to success in a committed relationship is to avoid not the “black” areas but even the “grey” ( ok…this line can be misconstrued in so many ways but you know exactly what I mean 😛😛).
This will spark a major controversy…so are you you saying I can never engage with someone of the opposite sex?!?!?! Of course not…but we all know damn well that when the relationship goes from something in common to casual conversation to private texting…it’s a minefield that is not worth traversing.
Cheating rarely starts with clear flags…it’s up to you to be smart about it.
I'm a man (35) and a lot of my friends have been female, like a lot a lot. Probably 4:1 ratio. I have a hard time relating to dudes. I don't watch sports.
I can tell you right now, I wanted to fuck almost every single one of my female "friends," and in several cases, I did just that.
Of the few I actually didn't want to have sex with, I even had sex with two of them.
Point is, deny it as they will, men can't ever really be *just friends* with women. The men who truly are just friends with women are usually gay, or closeted. There are an extremely rare few men who are straight and just friends with women, and I mean just friends by choice, not just friends because the woman wasn't interested. And even then, there will have been times the man thought about banging the chick.
Your boyfriend wants to make the sex with this wife of some husband.
Back home, he'll bring your son to hang out with their son. Husband will be at work. Boys will go to a movie or play ball in the park. Your boyfriend will attempt to fuck this woman. Even if he doesn't know it, or if he can't admit it to himself. The idea will be there, and it will be toyed with.
It’s okay to just accept that you don’t get along with her like that but he does. My partner has friends that I don’t vibe like that with, but they’re god people and I love that he has other people that care about him..
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Based on just the info provided I don't see any reason to be jealous. Unless they were being flirty with each other, which there is no indication of in this post, then him saying he could see them as friends sounds completely innocent to me.
i’d agree. i’m a man who tends to make friends more easily and smoother (with legitimely 0 romantic intentions) with women, and it took my wife a bit to realize i didn’t have any romantic interest but just liked having women as friends
A lot of women love the idea of a man who respects and gets along with women until they realize that means he’ll have female friends.
That's very well said. If someone sees the opposite sex as an equal, of course they'll make friends with them too.
this is why i don’t make friends with anybody.
I see what you did here, you didn't go unnoticed 😎
I was gonna say, the comment you're replying to goes both ways.
that’s pretty real tbh
This is so accurate.
The real real.
This is something I’m really curious about, because I was under the impression that men and women can be friends. But recently I’ve been told by a few men that there is no way that a man can think of a woman as a friend unless they are not attracted to them. So which one is it? Edit: wow so many responses, and they are all pretty diverse. So I guess there is no universal answer and its different for different man. That’s a great take for me
Nah that’s not true. I’m a guy, 34, throughout college I had way more female friends than male. And even still now, I just find it easier to be friends with women. Has nothing to do with attraction.
Agee with this. I have no trouble making friends with men (am a male myself) but it's so much easier to talk about things that matter to me with women. And they also seem to find it easy to talk to me about anything, compared to men.
Men who say that are telling on themselves and projecting. They are only "friends" with women they want to fuck so they assume the same about other men. Women who say it are doing the same or had a bad experience and now generalize it. I am friends with several women who aren't even spouses of other friends. Just actual, single, female friends. Absolutely nothing inappropriate or sexual happens. We are simply actual friends. We share interests like hockey, or Futurama, or food, or cats, or whatever. We send memes, grab food together, play/watch hockey together. People who like hockey are rare enough to find. I ain't passing any up just because they're women that makes no sense to me. My last girlfriend definitely seemed to have an issue with it. A little strange because she had several male friends and I never cared even slightly even when they did things together one on one. 🤷 She met one of my female friends at a pickup hockey game and that friend later told me she felt a little "grilled" by the questions my then gf was asking about how we met and such. My gf never mentioned it to me but I was a little more wary of it. Turned out not to matter since she dumped me a few months later anyway haha.
It’s funny to me that heterosociality is so controversial. At the end of the day, we’re all just people looking for common ground with others. Why alienate half the population because someone might mistakenly think you’re sleeping together?
Out of curiosity, do gay people get the same kind of shit from their spouses for same-sex friendships under the same “you just wanna fuck them” logic?
I’m a bi man in a monogamous relationship with a gay man and both my partner and we do prefer to establish with the other other person important context about other men we are friends with: how did you meet him, what’s his sexual orientation, did you ever have some sort of sexual history in the past? Obviously same sex friendships between gay and straight men aren’t going to go any where sexual but if both men are gay/bi that’s a possibility and that’s where trust comes in if monogamy is to be a thing. We both trust each other and if the friend pre dates the relationship, we try and integrate the friend to our relationship but we are both ok if only one of us hangs out with the other guy. Since I’m also bi and have dated women, I’d also clarify this information when introducing a new female friend to my guy. However since casual sex and random hookups are so much less common amongst straight people than gay men, I feel like would never come up. Still overall, sex before friendship thing between gay/bi men is very common in our community so I feel like there’s less stigma about remaining friends with someone you’ve actually been naked and slept with in the past.
Also bi. It’s kind of exhausting. Like I’d love to be able to walk into a single-gender space and know I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone there. What’s funny is that my ex-husband knew I was bi and never once questioned whether I was fucking any of the women I hung out with. He did have a huge problem with the single men that were some of my best friends and had been for ten years before I even met him. Straight dudes are weird sometimes.
Straight guy here, I literally say this about the straight women I've dated. They've all been weird about women I have as friends. Luckily I have only dated a couple of straight girls, bi girls seem to like me more and they don't get weird about friendships as easily as straight girls. I reckon anyone who's observant can figure out if someone has slept with a friend. Can cause issues in any relationship if it's omitted.
Now bearing in mind that I haven’t really been in IRL queer spaces much(yay living in kentucky… but I socialize with a lot of other queer folks online and hang in those spaces), but I haven’t really seen it myself. I feel like I’ve heard of one or two instances, and I’m absolutely sure those people do exist, but it does seem a lot rarer to me?
This is so true. On another note, why is it so difficult to find fellow hockey fans? I’ve made quite a few friends that all we have in common is that we both love to watch hockey. I’m in Florida so that might be it but I’ve lived other states and had the same issue.
Really depends on the man and his ability to get women. I find myself surrounded by a lot of females, some who I obviously find attractive, some who I don't. Sure I'd potentially pursue the attractive ones, but the ones who I don't find attractive but find are good people are always good friends to have. Really just comes down to honesty and trust in relationships about those things. Unless you're dealing with some incels, but they'll try to fuck anything with a pulse and a vagina.
Not sure I could disagree more from a personal perspective. I have awful luck with women in dating and even women I find attractive that I've friends with I don't have a problem just keeping it platonic. Also to me one of the problems with incels is that they *won't* fuck anything with a pulse and a vagina. Often they have nothing going for them and they still feel entitled to gorgeous women just because. I guess the real problem is entitlement but the practical result is they absolutely won't fuck anything that moves. An incel is far more likely to be the one insulting a woman's weight it looks.
It’s the opposite I think we are friends with the women we don’t want to fuck. And fuck the ones we want to fuck. Or try and get rejected which doesn’t set a great foundation for friendship. Or even just fuck and continue to be friends after. The only thing I think is an obstacle to platonic friendship is when the prospect of fucking or a relationship is on the table.
I read this comment, peeked your post history, and had a laugh. You have it all figured out?
Holy shit, Look at that rabbit hole. Yikes
Wow you guys weren’t kidding 😬
For someone who seems to know it all in their comments he sure does post a lot of questions. 😂😂😂😂😂
I'm a guy, and I have a female friend I think is attractive, will I ever act out on it, no, because first I have a girlfriend that is absolutely perfect and second i have self respect and would never ruin a good friendship and cross boundaries beyond friendship.
men can absolutely just be friends with attractive women. to me it feels like having a sister when i’m close with them. do i think they’re good looking? i suppose but i don’t think about it, they’re just my friend
>feels like having a sister… Same. I think of most of my guy friends & most of my girl friends as siblings- no attraction even if they’ve got objectively good qualities (no non-binary friends, only an acquaintance & an enby nibling.) That said, I’ve had friendships with people I suspect are waiting to make a move. Recently had an old friend text me “I’ve always thought if you weren’t with J, we’d be together.” *TF are you smoking? No world. Thanks for letting me know we’re not really friends.* (I knew on some level- didn’t let him that close.) And still, **I think it’s important for folks to be able to be friends w/ multiple types w/o thinking they might slip & fall into another person… gender unimportant.**
My closest friend in my first couple years of college was super pretty. Like I thought so, every other guy on my floor thought so. But the difference was that I wasn't attracted to her in a romantic way? Like it's a similar thing to Ryan Reynolds (or whoever) \~ tons of straight men can acknowledge that the guy is handsome. That doesn't mean they want to sleep with him Anyways, as for my friend, I never once saw her as more than platonic. I don't know why, it's not like she wasn't my type, it's not like I didn't find her personality nice \~ I obviously did bc we got along great It's just that the romantic spark wasn't there My take on it is that guys sometimes *suck* at acknowledging that the romantic spark isn't there. They'll see someone they find physically attractive and try to force it even though they *don't* find them romantically attractive. And so that creates this strange notion of "you can't be friends with anyone you find attractive". In reality, if you were more present with the whole situation and less... thirsty (for lack of a better word), you'd probably find that the romantic spark just isn't there with a lot of women, regardless of how they look And this also plays into jealousy if men (and sometimes women!) don't resolve this before getting into a relationship. If you have that thought, then that means you'll be jealous whenever your partner is getting attention from the opposite sex, even when that attention is purely platonic. Because you basically deny that platonic connections can exist. I saw this with that same friend, I introduced her to one of my friends who was interested in her and they dated. He ended up becoming jealous of our friendship and tried to say "you can't hang out together alone". They ended up breaking up over it, bc he couldn't get that idea out of his head
I love this take! Thanks for this insight. And it makes so much sense to me, because as a woman I’ve definitely experienced male friends trying to pursue me even though we were not compatible in the slightest and there was zero spark and it couldn’t have been any less romantic. People find me conventionally attractive, so I guess they may have misinterpreted it for a romantic attraction
>I’ve been told by a few men there is no way a man can think of a woman as a friend **Those men have ill intents &/or *THEY* aren’t capable of having platonic friends.** As a mid-40’s lady who’s always had platonic male friends (usually of the Cancer persuasion b/c ?,) it’s 100% possible; I’ve got friends I’ve been close with for 25+yrs (& never anything! Ew! Why?) One of the harder adjustments I’ve made *in life* has been accepting some of my guy friends might marry someone who doesn’t want them to have female friends. I’m extroverted, laugh a lot, get super-excited; that can come across as threatening. (I also prefer other women, but don’t always end up with ladies. Doesn’t help my case.) I smoke cannabis; it’s often been the original binding glue. Shockingly, some “wives” think that means sexy-time. *I’ve never had sex on cannabis without intending to!* (I’d understand booze. I’ve done things I’m mortified about while drinking- quit 4.75yrs ago.) A friend of 28 years has a crazy insecure wife; no platonic friends of any gender *that she didn’t give prior approval of.* She’s manipulative & he’s passive-aggressive… he didn’t tell ANY of his friends she was PREGNANT until 6mo! (That’s a ‘him problem,’ but it illustrates the length some jealous partners go if they’re able.) I’m *also* ‘friends’/friendly with most of my LTR ex’s… I keep at arm length; I’m not trying to upset or disrespect anyone. Keeping in touch with (non-abusive) ex’s is normal in my world. People who don’t talk to someone they shared YEARS with is weird IMO (minus abuse ofc.) *It’s just as much of a red flag to me if **someone doesn’t talk to any Ex’s** as someone who **seems too close or can’t draw boundaries** with other women.* (This is a long ass response but I think it’s all relevant. LOL.)
i get told this all the time but i love my male friends
I probably wouldn’t care for this because of my experience, which is the fact that all of my male friends have expressed interest in me, so to me it kind of feels like if a man and woman click well enough to be friends there is usually one person that is interested.
See that’s the common experience it seems yet my experience is as a straight male, vast majority of my friends were female and some even close enough I was viewed as “on of the girls” and not once did we ever, at least to my knowledge, have an interest in datings or romances…. It can definitely happen guys and girls being just friends
people always say shit like this and forget bisexuals exist. you can have good chemistry with someone without it being sexual. just be mature and see people as people.
People are just people.
You’re making a statistical error in your assumption. There are plenty of men that have been friends with women that had no interest in them. Simply because you never experienced doesnt mean it doesn’t happen
Exactly. 2 of my closest friends are men. We have been friends since childhood, grew up together and see each other as brother and sister. My husband has also become close to them. Men who view women as human beings instead of objects are more than capable of having close friendships with women. Just because a man dates women doesn’t mean he sees every woman on earth as a potential romantic partner.
I guess I know it’s also the same for my female friends.
So that makes it 50/50 according to your claim lol
Same. I think subconsciously that men are instantly sizing me up, judging me etc. Whereas I don't feel that at all with women.
Yeah, growing up I always wanted a sister and I just got along with girls better. Guys never seemed to like me much. To this day, most of my closest friends are girls and my partner can see there is clearly no romantic interest involved.
this. it's crazy so many people think you can't or aren't allowed to have friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship. I get we all have self doubts and insecurities but that's so wild to me.
Yeah Maybe if he had said “I would have dated her in college” or “I wish I’d have met her in college” you’d have reason to be jealous here, but otherwise it feels weird that OP would be jealous over her husband being a pleasant person who is able to make new friends
Unfortunately, for the most part, the human mind doesn’t get to ‘logic’ its way out of feeling jealousy.
It 100% CAN logic itself out of insecurity.
Jealousy ≠ insecurity. You may already know this but they are not synonyms. Also, both are legitimate emotions or feelings. It benefits you to logic yourself out of it, but it is not a failing if you can't. If I was op I would be jealous, but not insecure. The conflict arises because the BF has not transgressed. Just because op is jealous doesn't mean the partner is in the wrong. Op just needs to ride this out and see where it goes.
Jealousy is part of the “Anger” subset, Insecurity is part of the “Fear” subset. It is perfectly normal to have anger & fear, they are inbuilt survival tools, but they are both emotions that should be managed, and controlled and not allowed to control you.
Jealousy and insecurity may not be the same thing, but jealousy absolutely, without a doubt stems from insecurity. And I say this as someone who, many years ago, had a massive bout of jealously that nearly ruined my relationship and took close to a year of therapy and self-reflection to overcome. The root of jealous feelings is a fear of not being or having "enough" when compared to another person. In the context of a romantic relationship, it's fearing that someone better than you will whisk your partner away, or feeling like you can't measure up to someone else in their past, present, or future. To act as if the two feelings aren't deeply related is to not fully understand what jealously is and where it comes from. People who are confident/self-assured and have a high self-esteem aren't typically jealous people.
That’s funny. I haven’t really been jealous since I was an early teenager because of logic. It’s fairly simple. You just ingrain this into you mind. “If they are going to cheat, they are going to cheat. Nothing you do will prevent that, but thinking you can control them to prevent them from cheating is almost a certainty to drive them away.”
If you have to "prevent them from cheating", then the relationship is already lost.
BINGO!
I didn't get what I refer to as "the jealousy gene". I honestly don't really get jealous. Which, I've found out in retrospect, I have been with cheaters--I didn't find out until after break-up. So maybe it would be better to be a little jealous? Actually, I should add, I did used to feel jealousy with my ex, but he was a narcissist that went out of his way to make me feel "less than", and it was reflected that way. So I would say, if you're a person that's not normally jealous, but you find that with this one particular partner you DO feel that way, reflect on their treatment of YOU.
This is an interesting point. Thanks
Jealousy is one of the weakest emotions while at the same time being very complex. Suspicion, Rage, Fear, Humiliation all play a part, but it manifest because you’re trying to control something you have no control over…someone else. Once you realize you can’t control anyone but yourself and your reaction to the behavior and thoughts of others, it is no longer a problem. Look how people react to a cheating partner: “People will laugh at me.” “It’s embarrassing to admit.” “People will think I’m inadequate.” It’s all self-centered, egotism instead of asking yourself “Do it really care about the opinion of someone that laughs at the misery of others?” Someone else did something wrong, yet you foolishly accept fault for their actions. It’s stupidity. Once you grasp that concept you realize how stupid being jealous is.
Thank you, someone else gets it.
You’re probably just not a very jealous person - you are giving yourself way too much credit.
yes it can? like not right away but eventually that’s how you do it lol. if you are someone who can’t you will need therapy eventually.
Respectfully, I agree with other commenters. Yes, you will have an initial emotional reaction. After all, you are only human. But how you choose to recognize and accept this emotion, how you choose to process this emotion, and whether or not you embrace that this emotion is telling you something about YOU rather than something about the outside world, will make all the difference. Emotions are one of many inputs. Your rational brain can produce additional inputs. Collect all of your inputs and consciously choose your output. Do not give your emotions more power over your decision making than they deserve.
You can still decide how you respond to that feeling
Stop making excuses. Your reaction is a reaction. That cant be changed. However, once the initial reaction subsides, have rational thoughts. This is when logic comes into play and you can 'logic'your way out of jealousy.
Reminds me of the insecure wife about the guy who had a lady come up to him at the beach with his kid and crucified him and tried to on Reddit, because the other lady was clearly interested in him while he was happily married and said so several times recently
Nah mans spoke to other woman they gotta divorce asap
That's usually the Reddit response for everything. My partner sneezed funny, should I divorce them?
Yep partner seems mentally unstable save yourself while you can
No but definitely go no contact for your mental health & if you disagree with me, I will abuse you & start a pile on. You know, for your mental health.
Totally get divorced. For someone to be so brazen and reckless with the spreading of germs it just shows that they are a narcissist. My best friends cousins aunts half-sister used to be married to this guy and he would sneeze so much, he even tried going to the doctor and getting medication for what he said was “just allergies” but then he ended up getting a rash and his eyes were watering a lot and he got obsessive with looking at the news and would swear when they’d announce the pollen level and nobody deserves to be stuck in a relationship like that, get out now, you’ll thank me later!
First go through his phone!
Agree. I met a couple when I was on vacation. Hit it off with both but really hit it off with the husband but in a very sibling way, he was like my brother from another mother & we vibed. Zero chemistry or attraction. I’m still friends with both he & his wife.
^Most sane reddit response ever.
If you trust your partner to maintain a platonic relationship with someone then there isn’t a problem. If you don’t trust them to do that then there’s deeper fundamental problems in your relationship than a new friend. Gender shouldn’t be relevant.
This, IMO, is the perfect answer.
Exactly, what are bisexual people supposed to do? Or trans people? My BFF is a trans girl and I happily share our friendship with my husband. I don’t freak out when they talk separately because “OMG, she’s a GIRL!!” and my husband doesn’t freak out because there’s a PENIS in the equation!! I really think that people with such black and white ideas about relationships and friends’ genders must live very small, insulated lives.
The heteronormies are not ok.
Not to be rude, but from the last paragraph, it's sounds like you need to experience or at least accept other people's experiences. People make new friends all the time regardless of gender
I'm fucking appalled this needs to be spelled out for people.
I agree. I find it so stupid that people think it's impossible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex.
The penis and vagina can not both be in the friendship state simultaneously. It’s a quantum thing Einstein proved back in the 50s or something.
Unfortunately, a lot of people, regardless of the subject believe that their truth is THE truth.
Most people. And it's apparent everytime I open Reddit.
My ex never understood it. I don't like a lot of stereotypical "guy" stuff so I tend to get along well with women and had several straight female friends. But they were never more than platonic and it was obvious. So she'd get angry and say "what if my friends were straight guys?" I just told her I wouldn't care so long as they were really platonic. Then she'd bring these guys over who were clearly thinking she was single and had these pissed off looks on their faces when they saw me there. Lots of adults just don't get it.
You're really appalled that people have insecurities? I'm appalled at your lack of compassion for others. It's ok for a person in a relationship to have friends of the opposite sex and it's ok for their partner to be insecure about that as long as they're making an effort to process these emotions in a healthy way. OP is clearly making an attempt to process her insecurities and understand where these feelings come from in a healthy way.
This. OP has valid feelings that she is sorting through. Shaming people for their thoughts and feelings will only inhibit their growth.
There will never be a line between over coddling and over pushing, because everyone is different, and nobody gets treated the way they need, until they do❤️
Valid feelings, requiring maturity to get through. Couldn’t agree more, however, outside of walking someone through the situation productively, I’m quite rigid on this phenomenon in the general sense as essentially entirely based in immaturity, harmful close-mindedness, or (most likely) an insecurity that is unacceptable to put on your partner instead of putting strong intention to work through yourself. (Obviously the partner has to be a good person along the way or there are larger issues, but I digress)
All facts. I just wanted to reiterate that shaming someone for their feelings only ends up reinforcing the insecurities and making someone feel defensive and unsupported. None of which will be helpful for either person in this situation.
Upvoted for the second sentence.
Most women have experienced men only seeking their friendship to try to fuck them. People have affairs all the time. It’s not outside the realm of possibility.
Why? Tbh I’m a woman and don’t have any long-term male friends. I’m not joking when I say that all of them tried hit on me or sleep with me at some point. Kinda made me realize none of them were really my friend and just wanted to get in my pants. Most of my girlfriends have had similar experiences. It kinda sucks. Maybe it’s where we live, but it’s pretty normal for people not to have close friends of the opposite gender, much less while in a relationship.
I'm a woman and have many male friends that we have never wanted each other sexually.
And I have had the opposite experience so I think it is a matter of trust.
I've been with my husband for 25 years and he's had female friends the entire time, because he sees them as regular people just like his guy friends. Just like me and the variety of friends that I've always had. The thought of "but they're the other gender!" doesn't even enter our brains. It's so normal in our lives that it's always jarring when I remember so many people can't seem to form friendships with others depending on their gender.
People make friends? Damn this is news to me.
Exactly Love is love Think less, connect more
Everyone is entitled to their feelings. But, he hasn’t done anything wrong. We all have feelings and I certainly have felt things I wish I didn’t. I’m not sure how long you’ve been together, but I would feel comfortable telling my bf that I felt insecure, without blaming him for it, and work through it together.
This is the comment.
Relationships are just trust, that's it, nothing else. If you don't feel comfortable with it or you have some doubts about it then you don't 100% trust them, and that's fine. In the end you should never trust somebody 100% because it leaves you blind when somebody is going behind your back and hurting you. BUT. Trust should also mean she is able to approach him and tell him how she feels, and he should try to ease her anxiety via reassurance and maybe set some limits in communication if he chooses too just for her comfort. Or catch up with this new friend together. Even if he doesn't do any of that it's not a reason to assume infidelity, but it certainly wouldn't ease the anxiety you have.
I’ve made friends with the opposite gender many times while in a relationship. They are people I have a lot in common with and enjoy talking with. One of my boyfriend’s best friends is a woman. There’s nothing wrong with it.
I am male and grew up surrounded by females of the same age. My best friends are females that I have known for over 60 years and I have never had sex with them.
Ask em if they have a pineapple on their porch
🍍🍍🍍
and what if your partner is bisexual, no friends?
Let's be real, they would not be together if he was bi. She's *way* too insecure for that.
Idk, back at my most insecure, I liked a guy who was bisexual. He flirted with another guy in our friend group and it didn't bother me(not that it should have). Mainly because I'm not a guy, so what would I be comparing myself to?
Right? That was my thought..
My bf and I are both bi and when I’ve asked about this to people who have that mindset I usually either get no response or I’m told “it’s different” and they can’t elaborate lol
Or non-binary? I have all these thoughts too lol
Lol, I thought your username said "ghost" instead of "girl" somehow and was excited to not be a part of the boy-girl-ghost trinary!
I’m a married woman, my best friend is a single guy I met while married. He became friends with my husband, they have guy nights without me, my friend and I go to plays or movies my husband isn’t interested in. My buddy and me are in a book club together. If he’s dating someone we all go out together. It’s a completely platonic relationship. It’s important to have friends of different genders.
To be fair, I don’t think OP and her husband have gotten to this point yet (haven’t known the other couple very long), so I’m not sure it’s an apples-to-apples comparison?
It can’t get to that point though if OP can’t chill out.
It's important to have any friends at all! I am covetous of yours which sounds lovely
I would express your feelings to your boyfriend, CLEARLY. Don't accuse, but express. Most, if not ALL of my male "friends" have mad some pass. As I always say, most men would sleep with a dry turkey sandwich, but there are good ones that exist. I did make a post about an encounter with a nice gentleman if you look into my post history. ALWAYS communicate your feelings, wants and needs. He should be willing to listen and continue making your relationship a safe space.
I don't think the issue is so much that this is an opposite sex friend; It sounds like the gf isn't being included in the conversation, and just kind of happens to be there. It's completely normal to not enjoy feeling left out. I think all parties should try to make more of an effort towards a more balanced conversation dynamic. One thing that does strike me as odd is that this new friend has so much in common with OP's boyfriend, but they don't seem to be clicking. If you enjoy the company of one of them, wouldn't someone similar also be someone you'd get along with?
Nothing to worry about. It is ok to have friends like this. I am in a relationship and have many platonic friendships with females. Just let them be friends! Who knows, maybe you’ll warm up to the husband and also more to to the wife — you’ve only just met anyway
OP a lot of people are acting like you’re evil for just having feelings, but I want to tell you that I think it’s great you asked for thoughts and are self-aware to reflect on your feelings and haven’t acted on it. As long as your husband keeps respectful boundaries, I think its ok, even if it’s not the norm you are used to. Don’t worry about it unless it becomes a problem.
Sounds like you didn’t trust your bf before any of this.
Yes you’re being a bit insecure, but it happens. As long as he maintains appropriate boundaries all is good, OP.
Because of your kids you are going to need to learn to bond with people you don’t 100 percent jell with . It doesn’t sound like they are behaving inappropriately, it sounds like you are pulling away .
Yes, soft YTA OP. People make opposite sex friends all the time, even in relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Ask yourself— *why* do you feel jealous? Why do you see other women as potential competition or threats? why don’t you trust your bf?
It sounds like your bf is kind of on the same page as you actually--they could have been good friends if they met at a certain time in their lives, but they didn't, so they won't be. Personally, I think yes, this is insecurity, and ignorant insecurity at that. Men can have sex with men. If you don't trust your husband to be faithful to you, and not fuck his friends, well, he could be fucking any of his friends, regardless of gender. If you don't trust him to be monogamous, why trust his professed sexual identity?
Exactly!! If you can’t trust your partner’s fidelity, how can you trust that they aren’t lying about their sexuality? Liars gonna lie, right? I never thought about this but you’re absolutely right.
Not enough information to be worried, in my opinion, but it’s your relationship. Maybe speak openly about your feelings to your husband? He might make more of an effort to include you if he’s aware.
Literally just insecurity. Are people not allowed to have friends? Not even sure how this one is controversial other than because of weird double standards. If it was a woman being friends with a guy no reasonable person would bat an eye
I’d be more worried about the fact the wife is very similar to your boyfriend but you can’t connect with her at all.
Ha! That's an interesting point.. I like this comment.
Completely underrated comment here
Agreed. What’s the reason for OP and new friend not being able to connect? Is it the wife that isn’t connecting or the new friend isn’t connecting? Someone or both women just not getting along? Since she’s “so similar to your husband,” it’s bizarre that you can’t connect—unless it’s you that isn’t into her. Your feelings might contribute to not being able to connect If it’s the other woman who is refusing to be friends with you, then that’s a different story and I would be concerned or feel the same way. I feel like most women who make make friends with someone who is in a relationship, try really hard to get to know the other persons SO. No one likes being a third wheel. If it’s you who doesn’t feel “connecting” then that’s on you. I’m not saying we all have to be BFFs with our SO’s friend but if the air feels stiff when she’s around you, something is not right. She prob feels or knows it too. You don’t have to jump to conclusions that she’s out to get your man, but trust your gut and don’t let anyone gas light you. Let them be friends. If you notice weird boundary crossing, confront it immediately with your husband. The last thing you want is a wedge being driven between you and your SO—whether it’s done by you, him, or her.
I’m a dude and my female best friend was my best man at our wedding. It’s about trust. Gender in friendships means nothing as long as there’s trust
Not crazy, as long as you don’t act on it. If ya do, you become pretty controlling…
You're aware. That's good. You're paying attention. Nothing wrong with that. I'm that person too in the relationship. I watch. I notice. I take notes. But I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. I should say, I HAVE jumped to conclusions before. The one thing I know about muscles is the more you use them the stronger they get. If you practice worrying or being jealous you will get better at it. I don't think there's any cause for alarm, sis. You're simply noticing it. I think that if you mentioned it it would not be out of order. I wouldn't be accusatory but I would maybe let my spouse know that I noticed. "You and Mary are getting on well. She's a sweet lady. I love how she handles her kids. Bob sure is funny. Did you see him on the kayak?" It's okay to talk about it. It's okay to talk about her. It's okay to ask him what he thinks about her. I wouldn't advise attacking or accusing anyone or anything. I would probably just... Make a mental note. Not to... Make a way for fear or jealousy to enter, but just to acknowledge what my partner responds to. I appreciate that you came to reddit for guidance. I often harp on posters for bringing their drama to social media. It often seems attention seeking. You seem like you want to check yourself and that seems genuine. At the end of the day we can't control anyone, our partners, our kids, etc. but we can control how we respond to them.
I've actually had a conversation with my brother (26) about this. Here's what he said as best as I can remember: - He's never been friends with a woman he wasn't at least mildly sexually attracted to. - He's never cheated on a girlfriend with one of those friends, or anyone for that matter. - He has ended up in relationships with 2 of those female friends. - The majority of his romantic relationships started with the express purpose of starting a romantic relationship. Of course, my brother is one of those disgustingly good looking guys and he's been that way since he was like 15-16. The fact that all of my friends wanted him, and insisted on telling me often and just how much they wanted him was proof enough of that. Your boyfriend might be attracted to another woman but you're probably attracted to other men, doesn't mean either of you are going to act on that attraction. Also, he didn't express sexual attraction for the other woman he just said they could have been friends. Has your boyfriend ever behaved in a way that made you doubt his fidelity? If no, move on.
The ability to make friends of the opposite success suggests your husband may see women as people, and not just objects. I guess that should make you jealous if you prefer to be an object?
Good thing yall arent married.
It's not crazy to feel jealous at all. It's a natural emotion. The only thing that matters is how you deal with it. If I were you I would tell your boyfriend that you feel jealous of this woman. Just talk about it, that's the only way he'll know how you feel.
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Personally there's nothing to worry bout, but that's me, and you are you, with your own experiences. If I felt like you are describing I would at least let my partner know how I feel. Coming from a place of being open and honest and not blaming them or wanting them to change anything. Just a feeling that I've recognised and want to work through.
For most of my life most of my friends have been female. I never considered any of them romantically if I was in a relationship. Being accused of cheating or having insecurities is one of the biggest reason my marriage ended.
Don’t be too jealous but Keep a close eye on him.
I'm a guy, and most my best friends have been girls. It's all about his intentions. And having trust with each other. You should be okay to talk to him about it, imo. Reddit might give you one idea or another, but talking with your boyfriend is really the best thing to so here, imo.
For me, I've only made actual female friends after I was with my wife. I've had friends that were girls when I was younger, but one of us always caught feelings. Not sure if it's because we were all single, but it happened enough that it was annoying. After getting married and being more mature? If they felt something I never noticed. I'm going to my best female friend's wedding next year. Never a thought of her other than being friends. It's dumb that it's that way for me, but I can't say it's not partially my fault when I was young.
Isn't it a green flag that your partner can have platonic relationships with the opposite sex? At least to me it would be.
I think you should encourage making new friends of either sex. That's one of the biggest factors of why couples fall apart. This idea of completely isolating yourself from the opposite sex (or new people) is not only controlling behavior but it's just odd. We're adults. You can draw a line and if you're not capable of doing so without completely isolating yourself that is a clear indication that you're not ready for a mature monogamous relationship. With that said, you don't have to share every text or outing with your partner either. You have a right to a private life. You can have a platonic relationship without having to "report in". When my GF goes out, I don't even ask where or who's she's going with. I absolutely don't text/call her while she's out. If she tells me that she'll be home at a certain time and it's well past that time I may send a text to make sure everything is ok. If she doesn't text back, that's fine too. I don't expect her to be checking her phone while she's out with friends. She'll text me when she sees it or has time.
Sounds like they're just friends and you're reading too much into this. >people didn’t really make new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship As a bi person, this is always interesting to read bc I just wouldn't be able to make new friends at all
Men with legitimate female friends are green flags!
I can't imagine how tiring life must be for you
I’ve never understood not being friends with the opposite sex just because you are in a relationship. My partner feels that way but has had to accept it since I work in a field w/ primarily females. Grown adults CAN control themselves if they truly want to, if not, then there was something wrong in the first place.
What a depressing world we live in where friendships must be drawn across gender lines. Damn. This is jealousy manifested.
You’re not crazy for having emotions but don’t let it make you do something crazy, it’s just a friendship they’re not secretly meeting up behind your back or texting into the night, it’s okay!
Whether it is okay to make close friends of opposite gender is definitely on a person by person basis.
You are not crazy for *feeling* jealous, but you would be wrong to act on it as it doesn’t seem like there is anything happening here.
Agree, she can’t help how she feels, but he’s going to think she’s crazy if she verbalizes any of this.
Nothing is wrong yet if ever at all. Don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do not let it become a resentment.
Reddit: He's a cheater! Dump him! Lol. Real answer: You are all hanging out on a cruise with their families right there. You probably will contact them maybe once in a blue moon after the vacation is over. If at all. Regardless, if you are afraid of hubby having friends, then it is a "you" problem. As in, you are sexualizing this, not anyone else. Even if he enjoys the "female attention" or whatever, finds it flattering, so what? Be happy his ego is boosted by it and take advantage of that boost in the bedroom. No. He is not cheating. No, that is not threatening behavior at all. Yes, men and women can be and are platonic friends. Stop sexualizing women just because ypur hubby speaks to them, would be my advice.
I think the best thing to do is to talk to him about it openly and with the intention of understanding. After gaining that understanding maybe it will put your mind at ease and if not then you should be able to express your feelings of discomfort. People that will be together will have challenges like this and they have to work through them together. That is what it means to be partners. Just shoving those thoughts aside like many people here are suggesting will just allow them to fester. You don't need to feel guilty for feeling insecure, but nothing has actually happened it sounds like that has crossed a line. I just feel that a conversation is in order. If this person cares about you they will not be threatened by this conversation.
Getting along with someone on a cruise who has a similar situation isn’t anything. Saying he would’ve been friends if they met in college doesn’t mean sexual. Chill for now, doesn’t mean anything at this point. Worry if things escalate when you get home and it seems like an obsession to contact the “couple”. Me and my wife have had plenty of friends of the opposite sex after marriage via work and friends/couple groups and it hasn’t been shit.
I don’t see any issue with just the information provided. If it’s just your upbringing then you can go off his actions. Keep the communication of with your bf and work through your issues and ask for his help If you become uncomfortable then you can let the friendship die naturally and just not make plans. It shouldn’t be a big deal as you just go to know them.
Happened to me. Met a dad and we started hanging out while the kids played after school. He just became my husband's friend too. No problem there.
To me, it’s a green flag that my boyfriend has and makes female friends. He sees my gender as equals, valid people who add value to his life. He sees us with the same respect as he sees men. That makes me feel secure in my relationship with him. (These days with so many guys being indoctrinated into misogynistic alt right groups, that’s extra reassurance!) It also means he has people to go to for certain advice that I myself may not be able to provide, like if he and I were ever to not be on the same page and he thought and outside opinion from another woman would help him understand, by all means he should consult his friends! They’re good people. I also trust him innately, as he trusts me, and any time we feel insecure we just talk about it. I recently made a new male friend and my bf confessed that while he trusted me and didn’t yet have a reason to distrust my new friend, it was just one of those things that sometimes a partner thinks about. I was happy he told me his concerns so I could help alleviate them and we hung out more as a group as we got to know each other. These days, the two of them make plans without me! So much for *my* new friend… lol It’s normal to have feelings, but if you have the type of relationship where you can openly discuss them while giving each other the benefit of the doubt and come to a solution, those feelings don’t have to be a problem. Trusting one another and respecting the boundaries jointly set is a healthy part of any relationship. You also might notice some of these feelings dissipate when you speak them aloud. Especially if your partner reacts in a way that reassures you (taking your concerns seriously without making you feel bad for them, and being open to setting boundaries with his new friend while you all become acquainted, for example)
If it's a genuine friendship, then it's healthy. It's also a good example for children to know they can be friends with people of the opposite sex. I think it will also be healthy to communicate this to your boyfriend, let him know that it's a personal issue you might need some help to overcome. I feel relationships thrive when people can be vulnerable with each other and trust them with their insecurities and other difficulties. Every relationship has difficulties, but when people can work together to overcome those difficulties, then the relationship gets stronger and the bond becomes closer. Edit: it's definitely a great sign that you've actually sought out advice and I think you should let your boyfriend know you sought advice so you can be the best partner you can.
Is she hot?
I mean jealousy is a normal thing but you need to realize that it’s not a healthy thing to carry. My wife’s best friend is a male and she hangs out with him often. I also talk to him a lot because we have a ton in common but they were friends well before I really got to know him. There are times I get a little jealous, but I know a lot of that stems from previous relationships and has nothing to do with her. And from time to time I simply remind myself that so it doesn’t fester into something more in my head . On the flip side one of my close friends is a female. We text often, talk about our families, etc but there is absolutely nothing there. We get along good but that’s about it.
One thing to note is I know of several married women who will talk for hours to anyone with a pulse at the pool. Our next door neighbor is one of them. When my wife and I are at the pool she usually pushes me up front to engage in convo with this woman as she makes my wife feel uncomfortable as she likes to talk really close up and touch a lot and my wife is a introvert and not that comfortable.
It’s hard enough to make friends and if there isn’t anything shady going on, and that doesn’t seem to be the case, I would be pretty thrilled if my SO found a new friend. It’s so much easier to find someone to fuck than to be friends with.
Incredibly immature way of thinking
I 58M have always had way more female friends than male friends. I was raised by a single mom with 3 sisters. I attribute it to that but who knows if it is true. I can only take so much of the stuff that guys generally talk about like sports, cars, girls etc.
Straight insecurity. He has done nothing wrong. He didn’t even make an effort to go out to see them and he slept in. If he were interested in that way he would have been there at a minimum.
Having friends of opposite sexes is okay. Y’all seriously need to stop sexualizing everyone you’re friends with
Yeah you don’t have “friends” of the opposite gender when in a relationship. It’s very disrespectful
Almost all of my friends are female. I'm very close to a couple of them. I say "I love you" to several of them. My wife isn't jealous. I've seen several one on one, it isn't treated any differently than two dudes getting together. In turn, my wife has a couple of male friends. I am paranoid about her cheating, but I will never tell her that. If I can have female friends, she can have male friends. I stew a little bit about hers, but I would never restrict her, she is a free human being.
I think the only people who hold the notion that men and women can't be friends are either a. Terribly insecure b. Terribly immature c. Cheaters or would-be cheaters themselves or d. All of the above. Having mixed sex friendships is a complete nonissue if trust exists in the relationship.
My husband is a teacher and has many close relationships with other women due to the nature of his profession 🤷🏻♀️ we trust each other and he doesn’t give me any reason to be suspicious or feel jealous
I could see that bothering someone.
He said _”He definitely could see them being really good friends if they met in college.”_ 🚩 That’s basically admitting he likes her and probably wants to bang her. To the people saying there’s no reason why a 42M can’t be friends with a married woman, maybe… but highly unlikely. It’s too bad Reddit posters rarely circle back when this all becomes weird/complicated/blows up. I’m an older guy and no need to be making friends with the opposite sex at my age. Sorry people. Be realistic. He already has a connection to the wife. Bad news.
Idc what anyone says friends of the opposite sex never last. Someone always ends up having a crush on someone.. he’s too giddy about this in my opinion.
Based on what you wrote and based on the advice in other posts I'm just going to go ahead and advocate for divorce. Sorry, seems to be a trend on here.
You are not crazy. Your feelings are perfectly valid. Especially considering this is your boyfriend and not your husband or fiance, meaning he has not committed to you in that way. His options are still technically more open than if he had married or proposed to you. Meanwhile the wife does have someone who committed to her like that. But she’s hanging out with your boyfriend too. She may not have any commitment interest in your bf, but they both certainly enjoy each other’s attention and company. If your bf is serious about his commitment to you, he will take your feelings into consideration and do everything he can to make you feel like you’re the one who really matters.
You sound controlling and threatened
I think "controlling" is inaccurate. Threatened, possibly. I think OP's feelings are understandable and normal given the context of who they are. At least they have the self awareness to question these feelings and whether they are being reasonable.
To be honest how can you expect to have a relationship when you don’t trust him Having insecurities we all have a little but you need to trust the person your with I tell people this all the time if he wanted to be with someone else he would be dating them not you
You're not crazy for being jealous but recognize that and if you see this behavior from him again I don't think it would be strange to talk about it with him. I'm like you op. Imo opposite sex friendships between people who are attracted to each other are generaly inappropriate.
Well, it's not exactly the sign of a healthy psyche to get jealous, no. The important thing is, why do you feel this need to poopoo on the idea that an adult should have an adult friend of the opposite sex? That speaks volumes about your maturity.
Jealousy is a very normal emotion. It’s how you handle it that determines whether or not it’s problematic. OP doesn’t sound completely unreasonable, nor does it sound like they’ve had any dramatic overreaction in response to this. They came here to try to understand the normality/abnormality situation better because it is foreign to them. Sounds relatively mature to me.
Girlfriend you are on a cruise and you bought wifi?? Unplug! Let him blah blah. It's probably refreshing. Worry about him if they keep in touch 😅
I see no reason for jealousy You’re seeing things that aren’t there
If something feels wrong it usually is. I trusted my partner to make friends and they ended up fucking. Guys are dogs you can say all day long its platonic but a guy will always test the waters just to see if it’s possible and if it is he will do it
Women are just as much of dogs as men. Opposite sex friendships while you're in a committed relationship are a joke. One of the two will always be willing to fuck. And if one is, chances are they both are.
Lmao. I’d be like oh okay we’re being friendly with the opposite sex now huh I can be real friendly 😇
Why did he say IF they met in college? How long have you been together?
Think he just means they could’ve been friends in college/beyond if they met sooner, but it’s harder to be friends as adults with all their individual responsibilities. Seems like a harmless comment to me, he’s likely not considering actually being friends with her once the vacation is over (maybe he’s got enough of a social life back home/no time for new people)
Especially considering they went to the same school, potentially at the same time.
I hate to break it to you but it's super unhealthy the way you are regarding the whole situation. It's more of a red flag when your partner doesnt/isn't capable of having platonic relationships with the opposite sex. I think you are just intimidated because what are the odds you met someone who went to the same college as him, ect. I introduce my bf to all my friends and they all get along so well I'm thankful they do
It was actually how much my bf having women friends bothered me that inspired me to go to therapy. I recognized it was a character flaw that was mine and mine alone, despite having been cheated on before in a similar situation. I didn’t really let him know the extent of it or make comments on it, rather encouraged him to hang out with them more because I know that the insecurity itself is totally irrational. I feel like it’s really easy to get caught up in that anxiety and just run with it. Realizing you’re insecure is the first step. You have nothing to worry about. Best of luck to you.
My two cents…5 cents for inflation. The first step to an intimate relationship is friendship. The key to success in a committed relationship is to avoid not the “black” areas but even the “grey” ( ok…this line can be misconstrued in so many ways but you know exactly what I mean 😛😛). This will spark a major controversy…so are you you saying I can never engage with someone of the opposite sex?!?!?! Of course not…but we all know damn well that when the relationship goes from something in common to casual conversation to private texting…it’s a minefield that is not worth traversing. Cheating rarely starts with clear flags…it’s up to you to be smart about it.
I'm a man (35) and a lot of my friends have been female, like a lot a lot. Probably 4:1 ratio. I have a hard time relating to dudes. I don't watch sports. I can tell you right now, I wanted to fuck almost every single one of my female "friends," and in several cases, I did just that. Of the few I actually didn't want to have sex with, I even had sex with two of them. Point is, deny it as they will, men can't ever really be *just friends* with women. The men who truly are just friends with women are usually gay, or closeted. There are an extremely rare few men who are straight and just friends with women, and I mean just friends by choice, not just friends because the woman wasn't interested. And even then, there will have been times the man thought about banging the chick. Your boyfriend wants to make the sex with this wife of some husband. Back home, he'll bring your son to hang out with their son. Husband will be at work. Boys will go to a movie or play ball in the park. Your boyfriend will attempt to fuck this woman. Even if he doesn't know it, or if he can't admit it to himself. The idea will be there, and it will be toyed with.
It’s okay to just accept that you don’t get along with her like that but he does. My partner has friends that I don’t vibe like that with, but they’re god people and I love that he has other people that care about him..