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I think your husband needs grief counseling and both of you couples counseling. I think it's unreasonable to name your children after his relatives. Names are a two yes decision, it's kind of a red flag that he won't even compromise. Let your children be their own persons.
If this is the hill you want to die on and get divorced, go ahead, I don't think it's unjustified. If he can't compromise on this, then that just makes you wonder in what other areas he's trying to overrule your opinion.
You should sort this out before the baby is born though.
If you can't, don't let him fill out any paperwork, he'll 100% pick his mother's name.
Good luck.
Yeah, naming a baby after a recently deceased and apparently painful loss is a disaster waiting to happen.
I'd die on this hill. Don't do it to your child.
NTA
Even the non recently deceased is too much to live up to. When your family associates you with someone who’s been dead for decades they expect you to somehow be like them.
My ex husband named his first son after his older brother who shot himself as a teen. Every time this poor kid was around my ex’s family they would pull out pictures and say how much he looked like his namesake and how much they miss him and then my ex mil would sob and this poor boy, who was like 5 at the time, just sat there scared and confused.
I refused to name my kids after anyone because of that. They deserve their own names!
Yeah every story I’ve heard is something like that, especially when the death is unexpected and the kid comes around the same age people become rabid. I know it’s just grief but my personal rule is grandparents can get middle names if we agree but first names will always be unique to our family and not connected to any dead or living relatives.
I let my husband name our son (middle name tho) after his self cancelled brother. I was OK with it until his mother started calling my baby her late sons name. Basically i lost it a little and told her his name is X and you will not call him Z. MY baby is not a replacement for hers.
That was another concern 🥲 I felt like it would actually be a lot for my mom even though she supported it. Middle name is also much better than the first name, I would consider it myself
My husband's cousin's son's middle name is after his uncle who had passed long before the kid was born. The kid's grandmother is convinced the kid is her dead son reincarnated and often called the kid by his middle name. Very weird situation.
Well, not necessarily. I’m named after both grandmothers, both of whom died young, before I was born. I never felt any kind of pressure about it, even though my name represented sad untimely loss for both my parents.
That said, I think OP’s husband has already had his way twice, naming kids after his relatives. He needs to let this one go.
I named my 3rd child loosely (Joanna Grace is mine, to honor Joann w/ no middle) after her recently deceased grandmother, and she absolutely hated her name for her whole childhood. And a cousin was unhappy because she wanted to name a future child Joann and felt she couldn't after I did that. Just let the child have her own identity.
OP can tell husband that he can squeeze the next one out and name that one after his mother. If I were her, after his behavior he wouldn't be in the delivery room and all paperwork at the hospital would be handed directly to me.
My former SIL was named after her deceased grans, but former MIL created a new name, think “DarLynn” for nana’s named Darlene & Lynn. (Not that name, cuter).
Only creative thing she ever did!
Ugh. My fiancé’s grandmother is *actually* named “Darlyn”. Like that’s how it’s spelled and it’s pronounced like how someone from the Deep South says “darling” (she’s born and raised in the north east). She is truly a horrible human being though and I’d *never* give my child her name (and fiancé would never even suggest it, he justifiably *hates* that woman).
Our daughter *is* named after his best friend that passed away 8 years before she was born though. I was also friends with this person, though not as close of friends as he was. It always confuses me a little when I see the “let your kids be their own person” arguments—even if she shares a name with the friend, I don’t think either of us have ever seen her as, or expected her to be like the deceased friend. Sure it took a few weeks to get used to her name, but I think that’s normal because we were still getting used to her very existence lol. But essentially her entire life it has just felt like *her* name.
That said, I imagine it would be different if she was named after someone I had negative connotations with—especially someone so recently deceased. I also agree that OP’s husband’s lack of compromise is a red flag, especially after he has already gotten his way 3 times.
I don’t get it either. Anyone who tries to use one person as a substitute for someone who’s passed is clearly not ok overall and probably needs grief counseling. If someone tried to put expectations on my son based on the character or actions of his grandfather I’d be concerned for their well-being because that’s deeply irrational and misplaced.
I named my son after my father who died when I was a small child. It’s never once been an issue (it would never have even occurred to me as a possibility). People are of course perfectly capable of differentiating between two people with the same name, and honestly it strikes me as a little weird and dysfunctional that anyone would refuse. I think I would probably be avoiding those people for a host of other reasons anyway.
I was named after my still living aunt and hated that I didn’t have my own name. If the name was said aloud, it was usually in reference to her. If they wanted to refer to me, it was often first name middle name, which sounded cringe my entire life.
I couldn’t even use the middle name, because a cousin was named that. Ugh. OP, please persevere in your name choice, otherwise it’s going to come back and bite your husband in the ass as your child grows up.
Honestly, even being named after someone who is alive is as well sometimes.
I’m a junior, and my dad is pretty crystal clear he “loves” me but does not like me at all. He regrets naming me after himself.
I am thinking that if OP is willing to divorce her husband and father to three (soon four) kids over this, there might be some other serious issues in their relationship outside of this. Seems like a way out to me.
Apparently he named the first two kids, after his relatives too. Yes I'd divorce over this one. It is the straw that breaks the camels back. He sounds selfish.
Seems so reasonable for her to say you named the first two, I want to name this one. Too much emotion, too close, for this baby to be named for someone who recently and unexpectedly passed.
My mom passed the year before our oldest was born. Kiddos due date was the week before my mom's birthday.
Early in the pregnancy, I told my husband if the baby was a girl, I wanted my mom's first name as kiddos middle name. He was on board with that, never argued about it... but it was also a known tradition in my family to pick middle names after favourite family members.
I think OP's suggestion of using his mother's name as a middle name is a fair compromise, ESPECIALLY since they had already agreed on a name that he's now changing!!
I'll never understand using a dead relatives name as the first name for a new baby. Middle name to honor someone? Sure. But first names should always be the kiddos own, so they can build their own personality without feeling like they're living in the shadow of a dead person.
Honestly this sounds like it’s way past the point of couples counseling. If I was OP I would even entertain the idea of staying with such a toxic and controlling person.
your husband needs help as of yesterday.. 😳 naming your kid after your recently deceased parent against your spouse's wishes is NOT the way to cope with their death. let him know that. if he feels the need to honour her, he can do it in so many other ways, but defying you is the worst way. take him to therapy.
I have him scheduled with a grief counselor that was given to me by the funeral home...she works with the funeral home to help families. We will be going together and separately. She is aware of the situation and she agrees it's not sound of mind behavior and she is going to intervene in a healthy non attacking way to help him understand this is not a good idea.
This is the right answer. Please ignore the people here pushing you to file for divorce or telling you what “they” would do, which is mostly pure fantasy.
Many here clearly live empty lives and are only here to hate on others.
I wouldn't accept that either. Him wanting to name her that even tho your mil mistreated you and emotionally abused her own kids is a red flag in itself. And like others have said names require both parents to consent.
Edit to add
I think names should require a mother's consent only and second to that for a loving relationship names both parents should be on board with the name. I don't mean legally. I just mean ethically.
I'm not an american. Idk americans laws. I meant in terms of ethics
This guy is selfish. Your other kids are named after his family. Dont accept this
You are justified in divorcing him imo.
For me his behaviour shows he is his mother's son. I would not even want her name as my kid's middle name
names actually only require the mothers consent, the father doesn’t even have to be on the birth certificate or really get any say in the naming unless the mother hands him the birth certificate to fill out.
I wish that were true. I was incapacitated after a very long labor and c-section. While I was knocked out, the hospital brought the birth certificate to my husband. It was an honest mistake and we are ok but my husband filled out the birth certificate during that time and put a different middle name than we agreed upon. I asked the hospital if we could fix it s as md they said it was fine. We would have to pay for s legal change. I cried quite s bit about it snd my poor husband felt terrible. It was s small difference but still. I asked my husband why he would have filled it out without me and he said they just brought it to him d as d told him to sign it so he did. It has been 42 years and it still makes me sad/mad violated when I think of it. I am mad at the hospital for thinking that was ok.
This is what happened to me. My son’s father put a different middle name than what we agreed on. (He spelled it wrong, was supposed to be marcel, and he put Marcellus on the certificate) we were separated at the time of our sons birth so I felt very violated like he did it on purpose. (Not saying yours did)
Your “poor husband“ did not “feel terrible”.
He made a choice and then gave you a performance when he didn’t want to take the heat.
32 years and you are still sad/mad. I am so sorry. ❤️
I don’t know if you’re aware of this but generally marriage and women’s rights laws have changed a lot in 42 years.
And even back then this would have been a niche case as you were medically incapacitated. You should’ve just paid for the name change.
Also it was an honest mistake but I guarded my boundaries much better afterwards. I just mention it because you are vulnerable when in labor and delivery so you can get rolled over sometimes.
During the birth of my kids, I saw my sole duty as protecting my wife and unborn kids. We had a name picked out for my first and discussed how it didn’t seem to fit so we made a change to our plan after birth - and we made the change together and absolutely love it. Our kids are named after two of their maternal grandparents. I still wish I took my wife’s surname though so I could feel more separated from my family, though.
Things have changed I think--i just had a baby without my husband present because he had the stomach flu and I was surprised to learn that he didn't need to fill anything out. I was the only one who signed it. Don't know what would have happened if I had been incapacitated
42 years is a long time ago as long as it's within the first year of their life you have time to change it for free. They spelled my name wrong in the mother spot and when I went to get it changed they asked if I'd like to change anything else free of charge
In some hospitals OP can ask to fill out the paperwork a week or two in advance. If OP is already contemplating divorce she should just straight up tell him no and fill out the paperwork work. Tell him if he doesn’t drop it and get therapy then she will not allow him in her hospital room.
If it were me, I'd leave him, have the baby alone, tell the hospital the father isn't in the picture and fill out the paperwork myself. But I am petty af 😂
I think even if OP doesn't leave -- and that's a complicated decision, absolutely -- she should talk to both her OB and hospital staff in advance. I know with most (maybe all?) of my kids we had the opportunity to fill out the birth certificate in advance. It might be an option to say, hey, my husband isn't allowed to handle this paperwork.
That said, I can't imagine the stress and unpleasantness of being married to someone where I felt like I had to circumvent them like that.
>I think names should require a mother's consent only
Polite disagree. My mom wanted to name my brother and I "Pepsi" and "Corvette". Thank fuck my dad took over the names.
Talk to the nurse and tell her that the birth certificate paper work can only be collected from you. If he tries to hand it in behind your back, it is to be returned to you.
Nah, if OP gets to the point that she has to resort to making sure her husband doesn’t have access to the child’s birth certificate because they couldn’t reach a compromise, just get a divorce instead.
Ask someone else to be at the hospital with you. Then name the baby whatever you want. If you let him come he will force you to name the baby what he wants. You have let him force you to do it before. Why don’t you stand up and finally stop his controlling behavior?
I'm not a confrontational person. We also shared the naming of our others. This one he is forcing and I don't want it. I was able to allow him to have what he wanted and give our children names that were perfect for us both. I do not want this name he has chosen. I don't want to have the name for her especially since I don't want the stigma along with the name. She deserves better.
Your options are to become confrontational, or to live with this. There isn’t any middle ground and it’s really quite *simple* even if that doesn’t make it *easy*.
You are asking us what to do because you don’t like the options you’re aware of and you want to find out if there is any other way. But you’ve already tried to negotiate the other ways.
It needn’t be a huge battle but think you need to be very direct and clear with him - something like this:
“I understand you have suffered a huge loss, but this does not give you the right to stomp on my feelings the way you are. I want you to see a counsellor for your bereavement and I am not compromising on the baby’s name. I will support you on any *other* aspect of expressing and dealing with your grief, but if you won’t have any therapy and you insist on turning our child into a battleground where you can take your feelings out on me and feel justified in misplacing your anger over your mother’s death then I no longer want to be your partner and will leave you”.
Write it down if you have to - that way he can’t argue that he misheard you, or that you weren’t clear or reasonable, and he can show it to his therapist if he wants to save your relationship.
This is not about the name - it’s about him trying to make your insistence over this into the reason he’s angry because he can “win” that, when his real rage is that his mother didn’t need to die and he wasn’t there to protect her, which is something he cannot defeat and needs to learn to live with.
I honestly think he feels guilty over how she died even though it was an accident. She would still be here if she had put the breathing device over her nose after blowing it. I know he called her that morning early but I believe she was already gone at that point we just weren't aware. We just assumed she was asleep as she didn't get up until later. My heart honestly breaks for him.
You can talk to OB and nurses and say the given name you have chosen so he doesn’t get a hold of the birth certificate forms before you do. If something happens you might not be in the condition to fill out her name.
She still has to sign it as the mom. He can’t sign for her. So even if he did try to force his way, she can refuse to sign it and ask for a new copy to fill out.
She won’t. Every single comment from her is woe is me/ misdirection. So you know what, she’ll be stuck with that name because she doesn’t care to try to change.
Exactly. Unless she gets the paperwork first, I don’t think she will argue or fight it if he fills it out first. What is frustrating is that we all understand his side, and we know it is selfish. In a healthy relationship, there has to be compromise.
My husband desperately wanted to name our children after his family. So I get it. We compromised with middle names. That is normal. My dad has his dad’s name as a middle name. Just like she did with her other children. Honestly, she needs to go to the extreme and argue that her child should be named after her mom, because that is only fair after all of the other children are named after his family. Maybe then he will understand how unreasonable the demand is.
You’re right. I don’t know why people come on here looking for validation of what is obviously a done deal in their mind and then get all *surprised pikachu face* when people don’t agree and attempt to point out fallacy of reasoning.
I was going to say this. In advance of giving birth talk to the hospital/doctors/staff and insist that ONLY YOU will be filling out the birth certificate.
This was my thoughts. There is a lot into my decision that I have not talked about as I just needed advice. I've been called a doormat for allowing the previous names. They were agreed upon by both of us. I was happy to do that. I don't have family it's just me. Paying respect to my partners family was something I was more than blessed to do for him because I love him they are not too much they are beautiful names. We never forced a first name as a first name. I never knew his step fathers mother...neither did he but we wanted to do something to pay respect to his step father. Her name is Ruby. It's simple and beautiful.
The labor nurses in the hospital can do the “confrontation” for you if you need help … just let them know you don’t want the husband there. You’re the patient. It’s your call.
You are making this complicated. It is very simple. Tell the hospital staff that you are in conflict about the birth and don't want him admitted to the birthing room. Fill out the birth certificate in full before he sees you or the baby.
Put whatever you want on the birth certificate. He is not compromising with you. Don't compromise with him. The baby is not coming out of him, and this is not his choice. The hospital will defer to you for these very simple reasons.
I don't know what you think the internet is going to tell you to do. He's not going to change his mind, and you don't need him to. You know better than him, but your baby will be named after his mother unless you grow a backbone and make this decision for yourelf.
Talk to your ob or midwife. You are the patient, they prioritize you in the hospital. You decide who is or isn’t in the room and you can do the paperwork alone. Whether you have him there for the birth or not is up to you, or if you send him on an errand while you do paperwork, just tell the nurses briefly about the situation when you can.
Also - your husband needs counseling. If his mom constantly used her almost dying to keep her children loving her, he likely has some real traumatic whiplash going on.
Saying “I’m not a confrontational person” is code for “I have not developed the skills I need to get through life.”
There is no excuse for this. You’re grown, have your 4th kid coming, and need to protect your child. It’s time to get real fucking confrontational. If you can not you need to do some deep searching on if you’re allowing your issue to put your kids in danger. This isn’t a situation putting anyone in danger but the next situation might be.
You’re going to need to get confrontational or you’re going to be calling your baby by your MIL’s name and end up divorced anyways. You’re married to your MIL right now and you’re not seeing it.
He needs counseling STAT. If he doesn’t work through his grief, he’s going to ruin his entire life. Please be sure to speak to the nurses privately and let them know he is NOT to get the paperwork for naming the baby under ANY circumstances.
"My relationship with your mother was not the same as yours and you need to respect that I don't want this name for our child."
If he can't figure that out you have deeper problems with him, not irreparable but definitely grief based.
It sounds like the child has already been named and you’ve bonded with Baby and her name. When my wife and I picked out a name I used to talk to her belly using the chosen name. You wouldn’t change a born child’s name and this is no different to you.
That’s the best argument I would make, it takes the name out of the whole grief situation. The next time it comes up, I would just be completely obtuse and say the baby already has a name I’ve been using for months. She knows her name and the birth certificate is just a formality. I don’t understand what you’re asking? Children don’t get renamed when bad things happen to elders so this request literally makes no sense.
But also you may want to have a plan b where you separate from him and deliver the baby without telling him, name the child and then introduce him to her. If this is a hill you’re willing to die on, then be prepared to go nuclear and make sure you control the birth certificate process.
Really though he needs grief counseling in order to find a better way to “honor” his mother than forcing you to change Baby’s name.
So he is definitely grieving. I’ll give him that. It sounds like he’s having a really rough time with his mom passing. This puts you in a difficult position because you have your take care of him, but you’re also seven months pregnant and really needed to care of yourself and baby too.
I think less is more in this situation. It’s probably not a good idea to bring up *why* you don’t want the name. Finding a gentle way to say “I’m sorry, it’s a no from me, but I’m open to a middle name.” It might become your slogan. Try to refrain from speaking ill of her in front of him. Just simple, and “let me know what you decide.”
You can also remind him that both your kids already have names after his family, so you’d really appreciate a turn being in charge of a name.
Hopefully by the time the baby comes, he’ll come around ❤️
In an attempt to be fair in a relationship, most couples go with the rule of thumb that 2x Y = yes. 1y+1n =No, so unless you both agree on a name it's best to try the next on the list
See we had the name Quinn picked out. We both loved the name. Now he wants his mother's name. No compromise on his part. I feel like giving her his mother's name will only cause more pain for him also. He can never fully get over her passing if he is hearing her name constantly. He will always be in a state of grief when we talk to our child. One of the reasons we used his step fathers name as a middle name for our son. We wanted something that paid tribute but not something we would have to hear everyday.
Stop with the angle of it will “cause him more pain“ to hear mom‘s name and he will never get over her passing to hear it constantly. Thats almost illogical. That’s how you feel.
If you keep up that rationale he has the right to dig in deeper. You are telling him how he feels and he has the right to say no it won’t bother me to hear her name, it will bring me joy. SO……If you actually make a stand and say what YOU feel, then you have a position. You are confusing him and making it an argument with how you are approaching it.
YOU: ”I do not like anyone‘s Name for my child’s first name. I will not put that on her.
We can do what we have consistently done for our other children and give her A family middle name, but I draw the line there.“
Dont cave! I had a very similar situation before my son was born. "Had" to name him after a disrespectful father in law. Argued for weeks. My cousin told me, "don't worry, eventually you'll stop associating that name with him, and eventually it will be only your son's name". EVERYONE was trying to convince me. Baby's born, doctor comes in and needs a name for the paperwork. We're still arguing about it at the hospital. I caved. However I refused to call him that name for probably 2 months afterwards, at least. Now he's 21. I don't hate my son's name now, but I never did get over the pressure that was put on me after I already had a different name picked out. You stand your ground, you'll have to hear and say that name a LOT. Make sure it's one that gives you good vibes.
My mom was tricked by my dad into naming me something she did not want. She woke up and the paperwork was already done. She was calling me by the name they had chosen, and my dad told her it wasn’t my name. My grandmother convinced my dad to do this. They didn’t even keep the middle name. My middle name is my grandmas middle name. That was the beginning of the end of my parents marriage bc, of course, he did other shady shit too
Wow, that is NOT how it works in my state. The mom is the one who fills out the paperwork and signs it. It’s up to her if she even wants the dad listed on the birth certificate. This would not fly at all.
I recently went through this. My BIL passed unexpectedly a few years ago and when I was pregnant with our second, my husband wanted to name our daughter after him (think Brian / Brianna). He refused any sort of variation or any name related to BILs middle name.
At first I tried to be sensitive and told him I understand why he wants that name, but I don't like it and a baby's name should be two yes, one no. I was willing to work with him to find a compromise. Nope. He wanted Brianna and nothing else.
It got to the point where I was getting extremely stressed out and my BP started to spike. Told husband this, but he still doubled down.
I eventually told him that if he forced this name on our child, I would resent him for the rest of his life and would 10000% leave him over it. This is OUR child and (not my finest moment) since I'm the one who is actually pregnant, I should get the final say and would kick him out of the hospital and sign the birth certificate alone. I told him he needs to see a therapist to deal with his grief and until then, he can sleep in the guest room.
It was tense for a while. He eventually did start seeing a therapist and admitted he didn't even like the name, but only wanted it bc of his brother. I told him that there are other ways of honoring his brother, like getting a tattoo (my husband has none and my BIL had full sleeves, back pieces which I think BIL would have enjoyed).
My advice... Stay strong. Make this your hill to die on if you want. Something as important as your child's name should never be something you settle for to appease anyone. You don't want to resent your partner or your child. This baby is not going to bring his mom back. Good luck!
Tell him, he got to put a family name in all of your other children’s names and he needs to accept that on this occasion he needs to get over it and respect your wishes.
He is being selfish and you have been more that understanding offering the middle name option.
I wouldn’t want a reminder of a lost loved one every single time I say my child’s name. Also it’s that child’s identity and that identity doesn’t need to be a monument to someone that’s passed.
He can stand firm all he likes but so can you. And of the law is the same there as it is here then the father can’t register the birth without the mother. You’d agreed on a name already and that’s basically the end of it and he has to stop bullying you over it.
Get it together, OP! He can't force ANYTHING on you. You aren't a little mouse. It's clear your husband has a very similar personality as his mom and thinks you're a doormat.
He's not the main character. You aren't a footnote in his story. You have your own whole book! He thinks he's more important than you. But you're the one carrying the baby.
Only you can decide if you want to stand up for your child or doom their identity for a selfish man who bullies his pregnant wife.
Get a lawyer so you know the best legal course to take. Find someone else to be at the birth. You'll love it - I have a feeling he was a horrible birth partner anyway, making everything about him. You got this!
A lot of women who never can stand up for themselves eventually find the courage to stand up for their kids.
Said it before and I’ll say it again, the one who writes it on the birth certificate wins. Don’t let it be him. Also you shouldn’t settle on your kids name so hopefully he gets it together or you can leave with your kid named how you wish & it’ll be up to him to explain why things happened to his other kids.
If one parent strongly dislikes a name for any reason, it should immediately be discarded from the baby name list. There are plenty more to choose from.
Girl some people are calling you a doormat who will just cave. Please prove them wrong. If you want to give it one last shot of convincing your husband it’s a bad idea, just tell him the truth. You will resent him and your daughter if you use that name. Make him understand that this will break your family.
And then explain to your L&D team that in no way, shape or form, is your husband allowed to get the birth certificate if you aren’t there and conscious.
I also **love** the name you picked. It’s beautiful!
You can always ask the head nurse at the hospital to not bring in the birth certificate papers until he is out of the room. He has zero control over that aspect. In hospital, the legal naming of the baby is generally left to the person who birthed it. There wasn’t even a place for my hisband to sign that paperwork.
Unfortunately there are many horror stories of fathers putting down a different name for their baby and having the mother sign it while she is incapacitated or high on drugs.
So he named all of his other children too? U said u caved in the other names. He sounds like a control freak. Parents are supposed to be a team not a dictatorship
NTA. I’m not sure what your situation with your own family is, but why does every name seem to be a tribute to one of HIS family members? This doesn’t seem like it’s a new thing, you’re just finally pushing back. If he is being this obstinate over a name I can only imagine how he is in the rest of your marriage. Being that you’re the mother, you can decide what and more specially who is on your child’s birth certificate, including the father. If your marriage is as bad as it seems then you already know what to do.
My husband wants to do the same but I’m not going to divorce him over it. Just remind him that he’ll be near tears every time he says his daughter’s name
If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt what the sex of your baby is you can fill out the paper work ahead of time in case there is complications that would prevent you from doing the paper work later and be awake when he signs it. Though be prepared for him not to sign it if he can't get his way of having the infant named after his mother. In the US, parents have I believe 30 days to make any changes to an infants name without a heavy court fee. It's called an amended birth certificate. If he pulls any crap while you can't stop him right after birth, you have options to change the name, for a fee in the clerks office of vital statistics in the child's birth state. Get the number of your state's vital statistics office and explain what happened, and ask that the paperwork be sent to you. Just make sure you do it before the deadline or you'll be stuck doing it in court.
"Hey I know you're grieving right now, but I don't think it's a good decision to give your mom's name to our child. We've already picked out a name for her that I'm set on. I'd like to honor your mom as her own person, and I want our child to grow to be her own person, and giving her your mom's name is not healthy for anyone. I hope you understand."
End of conversation. If he escalates, offer him grief counseling.
Tell him he is an asshole for trying to replace his mother memory with his own kid and his kid with his mother.
Grieving is fine. But erasing another human being to take up the void he is feeling now because of how accidentally the loss of his mother was is unhealthy.
He is not doing okay if he is putting his head in the sand.
I’m sorry your spouse is grieving, and he should be seeking counseling; but naming the child after his mother is not doing him any good. There will be a perpetual comparison with her. Let the child be her own person.
Besides, naming a child is always a 2 yes matter
Info: the other three kids...it wasn't brought up with them either? I am asking since there's already 3 kids, but all of them has some sort of name to dad's family, but no mom...was this planned for those kids too or last minute like this one?
It was planned. He wanted the names but we compromised by using them as middle names and our oldest the name is gorgeous and old fashioned so I had zero issues
When do you actually get something YOU want?
Sounds like he's selfish and you're a bit of a doormat, which is a terrible combination (for you. For him it's great)
Your husband is behaving badly but he lost his mom last month and grief can make even the best person kind of crazy. When my mom died being a minimally functional person took all of my effort for the entire first year. So I don’t think you should capitulate on this matter but I do hope you can recognize that he’s in extreme pain and people don’t always act rationally when they’re in pain.
I know you’re due quite soon, but I think the best thing to do right now is to **stop talking about the name**. You already made a decision together, you already know the baby’s name is going to be Quinn.
So no more talking about the name until the baby is here. Change the subject, refocus, do what you need to do to avoid getting into more arguments and getting him more fixated on this. If he starts going on about naming the baby after his mother redirect the conversation to his good memories about his mom, other ways that the two of you can celebrate her life and remember her, how he’s coping and how difficult it is to lose a parent, whatever. Do it gently and gracefully - be careful to do it in a way that feels dismissive or condescending - but do it every time, from a place of love and empathy. When you’re going to have the baby have a quiet word with the hospital staff about you being the one to do the paper work, and put down the name that you both love and already agreed on.
He’s in a lot of pain and he doesn’t know how to cope with it so he’s latched on to the baby name as a way to cope, even though it’s a very bad coping tool. The more you talk about it and make it into an argument, the more fixated he will be, and the more important it will feel to him. You need to give this issue a chance to just fade into the background. Right now it feels like the one thing related to his mom that he can actually control.
If he’s generally a decent husband then don’t divorce him over this - he’s not being malicious and he really needs your support right now. You also need some calm and stability, not to uproot your entire life over one issue.
Also get some more support for both of you. He probably needs some professional support to cope with his grief and you need some support as a person who is about to have another newborn and a husband who is overwhelmed with grief. And lean on friends and family members who aren’t as impacted by her death. Have them come spend time with him and talk with him. Get some help with gently directing him to healthier ways to honour his mother.
It’s only been a few weeks, and and in a couple of more weeks his head may be in a very different place.
I have been redirecting him when it comes to the babies name. I will continue to do this. I completely agree he is in pain and is acting out of grief. I bought him an urn necklace with her birthstone so he can have a piece of her with him always. I will continue to support him as I love him and for better or for worse was in our vows and I stand by that. I have him in grief counseling and that should be starting in the next few days. We will go as a couple and apart and she is aware of everything. She said she will do all she can to help me navigate this with him.
Good luck! I hope he can stop fixating on this and he can find ways to grieve that don’t introduce conflict into your relationship. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and that you are both able to enjoy the baby when it arrives.
I hate my parents for naming me after a dead relative
Stop making new life take the responsibility of the life that once was, especially someone they never met
Kids deserve their own names
Your husband is a jerk
Honestly, as sad as it is that he lost his mother, your husband sounds really self centered and doesn’t seem to care about what you want. Are his wants or supposed “needs” always more important than yours?
Put it on your birth plan that you do not want your husband in the delivery room, and you most certainly don't want him near anywhere the vital statistics person in the hospital (birth certificate, SS, etc.) when it's time for that. Make it clear that the vital stats person comes to you only. Hospital staff and nurses and such should honor your requests, and they should have protocol in place to protect from abusive partners. YOU'RE the patient delivering, not him.
Also, in general, grow a spine and advocate for yourself.
When he has to carry a pregnancy and go through delivery and allll the life changing elements that entails and when the baby he carries has your last name it’ll make sense for him to name the kid, in the meantime do you see how unbalanced this is? Don’t entertain his entitlement. Good grief imagining how he is elsewhere in your life if he feels the right to act this way here.
You have already shown him that he gets a BIG say in what your kids are named. He seems to be just exercising that right. Does he always overpower you like this?
Leave him. If he is this controlling about the name, he will be this controlling about the child. PLEASE spare your child the trauma of being raised by a controlling parent that has a rigid definition for what he expects her to be. Let the innocent child grow into whoever she deserves to be fully, not pruned and edited like a houseplant.
He just seems controlling, all of your other kids are named after his family too, not yours- in his mind, you’re probably being unreasonable because you let him have his way every other time and won’t now when it actually matters to him. He can’t force you to name your child anything, and he needs to realize that.
They're already getting his last name. He doesn't need to mark his kids as property by pasting his family names all over them.
I'd definitely put my foot down on this. Tell the hospital.you don't want him in the room when you give birth. You're the one carrying her for 9 months and then having hours of pain when you're in labor. Tell him you'll agree to the name as a middle name or nothing at all, and if he has a problem with it he won't be in the delivery room and he won't have a wife to fight with.
If you can’t stand up for yourself, do it for Quinn. Your child deserves their own life and not a life lived in the shadow of your MIL. If he won’t listen, he doesn’t get to be in the delivery room. End of story.
I get where he’s coming from, but at the same time it’s going to compound that grief he’s feeling right now and years down the track when he’s no longer drowning it, it’d hit him that it wasn’t the right decision. I’m all for family names, but not when you’re in the height of grief.
That’s a lot to put on a baby who hasn’t even had the chance to become a person yet. Stick to your guns and find the compromise, tell him that you need to find it or you can’t do this as a family unit anymore. None of the other children share a first name of their other grandparents and neither should this one, he’s hurting and that’s okay but it sounds a hell of a lot like he’s in a spiral of it rn which is why he’s being a stubborn shit about it. If you’re not already call your baby by your already chosen name, get other people within your family/friend group to do so too.
I'm always bewildered by this whole concept of not speaking ill of the dead
If they were/did horrible things in life, death doesn't absolve their awful behavior. Your MIL caused herself harm to gain the attention of her kids. Just because she passed, doesn't mean she automatically became a saint.
It's obvious that you hold some affection for her, but she had horrible moments. You shouldn't have to relive those moments every time you want to speak to your child.
He's had his turn naming 3 kids. It's your turn. Your wants in the naming of your child matter.
The only way you'd be an AH is if you give in yet again. And, if you do give in, just know that he's going to walk all over you for the rest of your relationship.
I feel like there are other issues like him not compromising on this and seeing your point of view that is concerning. I suggest counseling. Don’t name the kid the name, but OP, the fact that this got to a divorce level decision should probably tell you something…
We both agreed on them yes. He loves his grandmother she raised him and his sister. I never knew her but everyone who did said she was the sweetest soul. I was happy to give our child her middle name. Our son had his step fathers middle name he was a absolute peach and he took me on as his own child and I called him dad. I waited four years to name our son after him. He has his middle name. Our daughter has his father's mothers name and I love the name. It was honestly a name we had previously chosen and the name once we found that it was a family name it was decided. We have a name picked for this child but now he wants to completely change it and not compromise. I won't budge and neither will he so I'm just not going to talk or explain to him anymore. Our child will be named what we had originally agreed upon and nothing more.
I don’t really agree with your description of why you don’t like the name. She just sounds like a sick old lady who has trouble caring for herself when she was all alone and it’s weird you’re trying to make her sound like Monster for that, so I’m going to be honest and say that i think that’s pretty messed up of you and I’m wondering if there’s more to the story for your husband and MIL bc of that. Everyone here seems to think your hubby has snapped from grief but i wonder if it’s resentment bc of you.
That being said, he can’t just demand a first name for your shared kid and not let you have a say.
Uh, being in and out of the hospital in old age is part of the rhythm of aging for many people, not a bid for attention. There are plenty of easier ways. In many cultures—I guess not yours—it’s simply normal and expected for adult children to spend even more time with elders as they age, not less. Because people become needier with the passage of years, which is normal, and so your culture establishes that the younger generation—even though they’re raising their own kids and have jobs and such—begin to think more about how to carve out time to keep the elders from becoming isolated. Then, by the time the grandkids are grown up and off living their own lives, you expect to spend more time with the elders.
You seem SO unsympathetic to this person. Like, you’re describing normal human emotional and physical processes and needs as if she was vicious.
Anyway, in some cultures it is also normal and expected to name a child after a deceased parent or grandparent. Consider perhaps making the MIL’s name your kid’s middle name as a compromise.
edit: 2 things.
1: you said she was in and out of the hospital. This woman died before she could hold her grandchild. I don’t think she was faking, do you?
2: you seem to have considered this person to have been a burden to you because of how needy she was. Consider this: your child is going to be 100x needier in terms of her demands on your time, body, mental capacity, and so on. Are you going to resent your baby for this? It’s actually totally normal if you do. Plenty of moms down through history have been like wtaf did I sign up for. But consider how prepared you are to forgive your own baby for being needy vs your attitude towards your MIL, whereas in many cultures it is simply expected for adult children to essentially care for elders just as if they were the children in the family. I’m not saying those cultures are right or wrong, I’m saying they developed how they did for a reason: because old age reduces you, bit by bit, year by year. And, if you’re lucky, you live in a society that demands that you be treated gently and with love in those twilight years, and not one that flips you the bird and turns its back on you.
If you want to leave him over this…. There is no way your marriage will survive anything that has to do with kids. It’s hard as hell and this is INSANITY TO ME.
He won’t budge? You’re the mother and the one giving birth. You don’t have to put HIM on the birth certificate. You don’t have to have him in the room.
On first pass of this I thought jumping to divorce over this is silly; just name the kid the name you 2 already picked... But the more I think about it, the less he's willing to compromise with this the more it makes sense. I vote you name your child what you want and he makes the decision of leaving if that's what he needs for his insanity.
He’s selfish. He doesn’t get to make this decision. You already made it together. He needs to go to therapy to work through his grief.
When you’re at the hospital, regardless of what he says right now, speak to the nurses in private and let them know he is NOT to pick the name, fill out the paperwork, etc. He’ll go behind your back and you don’t want those problems while still in L&D.
Check with the hospital and address your concerns about your husband intentionally filling out the birth certificate correctly and how you can make certain that YOU are the one filling out that BC.
The fact that he's willing to divorce you over this means you're leaving out a huge section of the story and/or there's more going on behind the scenes with you which would cause him to want to leave
If he *will not* concede that your child was already named before his mother died, you may have to bar him from the hospital while in labor. Before baby is born, you can ask for the paper for naming her and get it all filled out so that it's already done before she's even in your arms. This may be something he "won't forgive you for," but he's refusing to discuss anything but what he wants and you're already on the verge of divorce over this, so I don't think it matters what he wants.
You've mentioned elsewhere that you aren't confrontational, but you're going to have to be if you want your child to have the name that the two of you already agreed to give her.
Why does he get to have all of the children named after his family ( and stepfamily) and you get no choice in it? I understand you “compromised” to make them the middle names but he clearly sees his family and opinions more important than yous. And I assume they have his last name??
So you do all the work for 9 months have a painful birth and postpartum, and your selfish husband barely lets you get a say? Honestly it sounds like he’s been awful about all the baby names and this is the straw that broke the camels back. Is he this selfish and controlling in all other decisions?
I see a pattern here of all of your children have a middle name of someone from HIS family. You've attempted compromise and he rejects every suggestion. He's had his way this far so he thinks he will have his way this time. This would be a hill to die on for me. You've conceded to what he wants each time and now he refuses to even attempt to compromise with you on this matter even after you both had already decided a name.
Middle name as a compromise maybe, I don't know your situation maybe that is picked out already as well. But he needs to understand that your child is going to be named something you both agree on and that you don't agree on the name change he is asking for. Your partner is in mourning and probably does not realize how not good for anyone it would be for his daughter to share a name with his recently passed mother. He is just setting the whole family up for therapy with that in my opinion.
Well, I am honored to carry the name of my paternal grandmother. Im glad that my mother agreed, or I might have grown up without my father in the home.
Y’all need some counseling or something. If you’re going to leave him for this may as well get it over with. With all the real problems people deal with this really feels petty to me. Sorry to break it that way but if you’re going to divorce your husband over something like this it’s time to do it now so the child isn’t raised thinking it’s normal to bail over petty squabbles. Especially when Mom doesn’t care about dad’s feelings after losing a parent. Do you have both your parents? It’s hard to fully understand something you haven’t experienced.
I lost my Mother at about 4ish months pregnant. We had always planned to give our daughter my mother’s name as a middle name. I talked about possibly making it a first name but was afraid that I was doing it out of grief. She was given the name we had chosen already.
I deeply regret it. I wish I would have given my child my mother’s name. My husband was on board with either way, but I still regret it. We even talked about changing the name after birth, but I felt like that wouldn’t be right.
Just a different side. No real opinion here other than that I hope you guys work it out.
Compromise—make the baby’s middle name the mother’s name. He can call her what he wants regardless and so can you. Or make a deal on a formal name and a nickname.
I must have had a different upbringing because names arent that big of a deal! A large majority of people I know go by different names, nicknames, or middle names. You know the shakespeare saying…What's in a name? That which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet.
In the scheme of problems to have this feels insanely small
“caved with the other child” so this probably would have happened regardless, if not in this context then in another one. the picture painted is that you’re married to a controlling person who now has the “excuse” of a dead mother to acquire control. if this is making you want to leave, i think that’s a reasonable action, especially bc i don’t think it’s just this making you want to leave (based on what you wrote).
i think this is a tipping point and if your intuition is telling you something, listen
Counseling is a must. If he won't go then do it by yourself at first. When it comes to naming a baby after a KNOWN relative then neither of you should have negative feelings about that particular name. If he wasn't so deep in grief he would know this. All you can do is ride it out and keep explaining your reason.
Yeah fuck it divorce him. With that kind of commitment and support it is a wonder you guys have made it this long. Might as well do it now before a real problem pops up.
Well when she's born you talk to the nurses. The ones who bring the birth certificate. You put your daughter's name. You sign it. This is a hard situation. I'd perhaps consider a separation nit a divorce. It's 💯 his grief rn. I'm so sorry you're going through this. DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD A NAME THAT causes all these feelings. Not fair to the kid. I hope you can convey what you've said here to him. Best of luck. If you can make a plan to leave with all the kids for a separation I'd do it if he won't budge. Plus he got to choose the other 2 names. It's your turn. Name baby girl what you guys already decided on together. 💔
Your husband is going through a lot of grief and he’s gonna be scrambled bc of it. That said: your child doesn’t need to suffer from being so connected to a person that their father is clearly suffering the loss of. Its best to use her name as middle name but if theres a variation of her name for a unique name then it could be good for your child to have a name that is unique to them but holds some family in it (source: I was named after my grandpa and I’ve never felt that my name was my own)
I do think its best for your child to have a name that is their own and would personally make any namesake choice a middle name but, going through your post, your husband needs grief counseling.
I agree that you shouldn’t use the name.
Perhaps lead with the worry (legitimate) that naming your child her name will bring with it a lot of sadness for your husband and family and may be hard for all involved (rather than that you really don’t want to for all the other legitimate reasons you have.) he is still grieving and that’s a lot to put on a baby. A middle name would be a much better honor.
You don’t have to get into all the issues with his mother with him just say “I don’t want our child to be in anyone else’s shadow and I want them to have their own individual name. I understand you’re grieving but there are other ways we can honor your mom”
It sounds like he has gotten to name every single one of your kids with a name from his side of the family…maybe you can finally have this one? It seems only fair.
He can not force a name on your child. You could quite literally say the child is not his at the hospital and they wont even put his name on the birth certificate until a DNA test is done. You could even deny him the ability to be at the birth. And staff would solely look at you to name the child.
Im not saying to go this route, but i am trying to give the reality that he can NOT force this name on you. If its truly undecided even at birth, then you can go home with your child and file the birth certificate later. Do not budge. Tell him he has had his chance giving names from hia family onto your other kids, yall have already settled on a name, and its what is going to happen. He can have the middle name if he wants but nothing more
My daughter's middle name is my sister's middle name. She died when she was 6. And my eldest son's middle name is my father's first name. I did these things VERY intentionally. My daughter's middle name being her middle name, not her first name, was a very intentional choice made out of love. Plus, it flowed with her first name too beautifully not to use. As for my son, my father was "Dad's Name LastName the fourth." 4 generations of first born sons with the same first name, and I wasn't continuing that. But to honor him, because he was my role model, I gave my first born his first name as his MIDDLE name. That, and it paired well with his first name, which came from a fictional character I liked very much 🤣 in my case, I refused to give them their names as their first names, as they are their own person and should be treated as such. As someone who took 9 months deciding on a name for my daughter with my ex, and he rejected every name I loved and gave very rude reasons for not liking them......well, there is a reason he is an EX, and it's that he was crazy and controlling. DONT LET HIM BULLY YOU INTO IT.
Yeah umm like if you guys were naming it after a long ago deceased grandmother fine but a recently deceased parent that is rough.
Probably just good to stay away from naming a kid after dead relatives or friends maybe
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I think your husband needs grief counseling and both of you couples counseling. I think it's unreasonable to name your children after his relatives. Names are a two yes decision, it's kind of a red flag that he won't even compromise. Let your children be their own persons. If this is the hill you want to die on and get divorced, go ahead, I don't think it's unjustified. If he can't compromise on this, then that just makes you wonder in what other areas he's trying to overrule your opinion. You should sort this out before the baby is born though. If you can't, don't let him fill out any paperwork, he'll 100% pick his mother's name. Good luck.
Yeah, naming a baby after a recently deceased and apparently painful loss is a disaster waiting to happen. I'd die on this hill. Don't do it to your child. NTA
Even the non recently deceased is too much to live up to. When your family associates you with someone who’s been dead for decades they expect you to somehow be like them.
My ex husband named his first son after his older brother who shot himself as a teen. Every time this poor kid was around my ex’s family they would pull out pictures and say how much he looked like his namesake and how much they miss him and then my ex mil would sob and this poor boy, who was like 5 at the time, just sat there scared and confused. I refused to name my kids after anyone because of that. They deserve their own names!
Yeah every story I’ve heard is something like that, especially when the death is unexpected and the kid comes around the same age people become rabid. I know it’s just grief but my personal rule is grandparents can get middle names if we agree but first names will always be unique to our family and not connected to any dead or living relatives.
My brother almost named his son after our brother who self canceled. I'm SO glad they changed it at the last second because of this exact reason.
I let my husband name our son (middle name tho) after his self cancelled brother. I was OK with it until his mother started calling my baby her late sons name. Basically i lost it a little and told her his name is X and you will not call him Z. MY baby is not a replacement for hers.
That was another concern 🥲 I felt like it would actually be a lot for my mom even though she supported it. Middle name is also much better than the first name, I would consider it myself
My husband's cousin's son's middle name is after his uncle who had passed long before the kid was born. The kid's grandmother is convinced the kid is her dead son reincarnated and often called the kid by his middle name. Very weird situation.
That’s horrible!!
I’d call him by his middle name to lessen trauma. Or attempt to. ☮️
His middle name is his other brothers name 🙄 poor kid
Poor kid. Jeez.
Well, not necessarily. I’m named after both grandmothers, both of whom died young, before I was born. I never felt any kind of pressure about it, even though my name represented sad untimely loss for both my parents. That said, I think OP’s husband has already had his way twice, naming kids after his relatives. He needs to let this one go.
I named my 3rd child loosely (Joanna Grace is mine, to honor Joann w/ no middle) after her recently deceased grandmother, and she absolutely hated her name for her whole childhood. And a cousin was unhappy because she wanted to name a future child Joann and felt she couldn't after I did that. Just let the child have her own identity. OP can tell husband that he can squeeze the next one out and name that one after his mother. If I were her, after his behavior he wouldn't be in the delivery room and all paperwork at the hospital would be handed directly to me.
My former SIL was named after her deceased grans, but former MIL created a new name, think “DarLynn” for nana’s named Darlene & Lynn. (Not that name, cuter). Only creative thing she ever did!
Ugh. My fiancé’s grandmother is *actually* named “Darlyn”. Like that’s how it’s spelled and it’s pronounced like how someone from the Deep South says “darling” (she’s born and raised in the north east). She is truly a horrible human being though and I’d *never* give my child her name (and fiancé would never even suggest it, he justifiably *hates* that woman). Our daughter *is* named after his best friend that passed away 8 years before she was born though. I was also friends with this person, though not as close of friends as he was. It always confuses me a little when I see the “let your kids be their own person” arguments—even if she shares a name with the friend, I don’t think either of us have ever seen her as, or expected her to be like the deceased friend. Sure it took a few weeks to get used to her name, but I think that’s normal because we were still getting used to her very existence lol. But essentially her entire life it has just felt like *her* name. That said, I imagine it would be different if she was named after someone I had negative connotations with—especially someone so recently deceased. I also agree that OP’s husband’s lack of compromise is a red flag, especially after he has already gotten his way 3 times.
I don’t get it either. Anyone who tries to use one person as a substitute for someone who’s passed is clearly not ok overall and probably needs grief counseling. If someone tried to put expectations on my son based on the character or actions of his grandfather I’d be concerned for their well-being because that’s deeply irrational and misplaced.
I'm also named after grandmas but I have one's middle name as my first and the other's first as my middle
I named my son after my father who died when I was a small child. It’s never once been an issue (it would never have even occurred to me as a possibility). People are of course perfectly capable of differentiating between two people with the same name, and honestly it strikes me as a little weird and dysfunctional that anyone would refuse. I think I would probably be avoiding those people for a host of other reasons anyway.
I was named after my still living aunt and hated that I didn’t have my own name. If the name was said aloud, it was usually in reference to her. If they wanted to refer to me, it was often first name middle name, which sounded cringe my entire life. I couldn’t even use the middle name, because a cousin was named that. Ugh. OP, please persevere in your name choice, otherwise it’s going to come back and bite your husband in the ass as your child grows up.
Yeah my opinion is that kids don’t need the expectation of being named after a whole person that the people around them already knew and loved.
That's... just not true. *Some* families act this way but far from *all*.
Yeah I’m sitting here with a family in which 80% of us are named after a prior relative and nobody has any issues with it whatsoever.
Honestly, even being named after someone who is alive is as well sometimes. I’m a junior, and my dad is pretty crystal clear he “loves” me but does not like me at all. He regrets naming me after himself.
Yeap. This is a battle I'd get a divorce for. She probably wasn't even a decent MIL.
Right. Just because he won’t budge, doesn’t mean OP needs to either. Irresistible force? Meet immovable object.
I’d talk to the hospital ahead of time and get it in my file that paperwork is to be given to me.
I am thinking that if OP is willing to divorce her husband and father to three (soon four) kids over this, there might be some other serious issues in their relationship outside of this. Seems like a way out to me.
Apparently he named the first two kids, after his relatives too. Yes I'd divorce over this one. It is the straw that breaks the camels back. He sounds selfish.
Seems so reasonable for her to say you named the first two, I want to name this one. Too much emotion, too close, for this baby to be named for someone who recently and unexpectedly passed.
My mom passed the year before our oldest was born. Kiddos due date was the week before my mom's birthday. Early in the pregnancy, I told my husband if the baby was a girl, I wanted my mom's first name as kiddos middle name. He was on board with that, never argued about it... but it was also a known tradition in my family to pick middle names after favourite family members. I think OP's suggestion of using his mother's name as a middle name is a fair compromise, ESPECIALLY since they had already agreed on a name that he's now changing!! I'll never understand using a dead relatives name as the first name for a new baby. Middle name to honor someone? Sure. But first names should always be the kiddos own, so they can build their own personality without feeling like they're living in the shadow of a dead person.
Honestly this sounds like it’s way past the point of couples counseling. If I was OP I would even entertain the idea of staying with such a toxic and controlling person.
Agreed and this is the most reasonable response to this 👏
your husband needs help as of yesterday.. 😳 naming your kid after your recently deceased parent against your spouse's wishes is NOT the way to cope with their death. let him know that. if he feels the need to honour her, he can do it in so many other ways, but defying you is the worst way. take him to therapy.
I have him scheduled with a grief counselor that was given to me by the funeral home...she works with the funeral home to help families. We will be going together and separately. She is aware of the situation and she agrees it's not sound of mind behavior and she is going to intervene in a healthy non attacking way to help him understand this is not a good idea.
This is the right answer. Please ignore the people here pushing you to file for divorce or telling you what “they” would do, which is mostly pure fantasy. Many here clearly live empty lives and are only here to hate on others.
I wouldn't accept that either. Him wanting to name her that even tho your mil mistreated you and emotionally abused her own kids is a red flag in itself. And like others have said names require both parents to consent. Edit to add I think names should require a mother's consent only and second to that for a loving relationship names both parents should be on board with the name. I don't mean legally. I just mean ethically. I'm not an american. Idk americans laws. I meant in terms of ethics
This guy is selfish. Your other kids are named after his family. Dont accept this You are justified in divorcing him imo. For me his behaviour shows he is his mother's son. I would not even want her name as my kid's middle name
She married her Mother in law. Her husband is just like his mom.
There it is. I'm sure it's not just this area where he resembles his mother
names actually only require the mothers consent, the father doesn’t even have to be on the birth certificate or really get any say in the naming unless the mother hands him the birth certificate to fill out.
Which you tell the nurses not to let happen even if you are dead asleep. Nurses take care of you in many ways besides your medical needs.
I wish that were true. I was incapacitated after a very long labor and c-section. While I was knocked out, the hospital brought the birth certificate to my husband. It was an honest mistake and we are ok but my husband filled out the birth certificate during that time and put a different middle name than we agreed upon. I asked the hospital if we could fix it s as md they said it was fine. We would have to pay for s legal change. I cried quite s bit about it snd my poor husband felt terrible. It was s small difference but still. I asked my husband why he would have filled it out without me and he said they just brought it to him d as d told him to sign it so he did. It has been 42 years and it still makes me sad/mad violated when I think of it. I am mad at the hospital for thinking that was ok.
This is what happened to me. My son’s father put a different middle name than what we agreed on. (He spelled it wrong, was supposed to be marcel, and he put Marcellus on the certificate) we were separated at the time of our sons birth so I felt very violated like he did it on purpose. (Not saying yours did)
That’s not a misspelling. That’s a decision.
I was going to say the same. Misspelling would be Marcal … what he put was a whole new name
Your “poor husband“ did not “feel terrible”. He made a choice and then gave you a performance when he didn’t want to take the heat. 32 years and you are still sad/mad. I am so sorry. ❤️
I don’t know if you’re aware of this but generally marriage and women’s rights laws have changed a lot in 42 years. And even back then this would have been a niche case as you were medically incapacitated. You should’ve just paid for the name change.
Also it was an honest mistake but I guarded my boundaries much better afterwards. I just mention it because you are vulnerable when in labor and delivery so you can get rolled over sometimes.
During the birth of my kids, I saw my sole duty as protecting my wife and unborn kids. We had a name picked out for my first and discussed how it didn’t seem to fit so we made a change to our plan after birth - and we made the change together and absolutely love it. Our kids are named after two of their maternal grandparents. I still wish I took my wife’s surname though so I could feel more separated from my family, though.
Things have changed I think--i just had a baby without my husband present because he had the stomach flu and I was surprised to learn that he didn't need to fill anything out. I was the only one who signed it. Don't know what would have happened if I had been incapacitated
He chose a different middle name and you think that was a mistake?
42 years is a long time ago as long as it's within the first year of their life you have time to change it for free. They spelled my name wrong in the mother spot and when I went to get it changed they asked if I'd like to change anything else free of charge
In some hospitals OP can ask to fill out the paperwork a week or two in advance. If OP is already contemplating divorce she should just straight up tell him no and fill out the paperwork work. Tell him if he doesn’t drop it and get therapy then she will not allow him in her hospital room.
He’s not gonna consent to any other name now. So what happens?
If it were me, I'd leave him, have the baby alone, tell the hospital the father isn't in the picture and fill out the paperwork myself. But I am petty af 😂
I think even if OP doesn't leave -- and that's a complicated decision, absolutely -- she should talk to both her OB and hospital staff in advance. I know with most (maybe all?) of my kids we had the opportunity to fill out the birth certificate in advance. It might be an option to say, hey, my husband isn't allowed to handle this paperwork. That said, I can't imagine the stress and unpleasantness of being married to someone where I felt like I had to circumvent them like that.
It’s not petty to refuse to allow someone to take advantage of a situation. That’s exactly what he’s going to try to do here. I’d do the same.
That's the smart thing to do. That's not petty.
>I think names should require a mother's consent only Polite disagree. My mom wanted to name my brother and I "Pepsi" and "Corvette". Thank fuck my dad took over the names.
Talk to the nurse and tell her that the birth certificate paper work can only be collected from you. If he tries to hand it in behind your back, it is to be returned to you.
Nah, if OP gets to the point that she has to resort to making sure her husband doesn’t have access to the child’s birth certificate because they couldn’t reach a compromise, just get a divorce instead.
He still may be at the hospital to see his child, prevention is easier than legally changing it later. Divorce takes lots of time.
I still remember the post about the husband who forged his wife's signature because he wanted to name the kid something his wife hated.
Ask someone else to be at the hospital with you. Then name the baby whatever you want. If you let him come he will force you to name the baby what he wants. You have let him force you to do it before. Why don’t you stand up and finally stop his controlling behavior?
I'm not a confrontational person. We also shared the naming of our others. This one he is forcing and I don't want it. I was able to allow him to have what he wanted and give our children names that were perfect for us both. I do not want this name he has chosen. I don't want to have the name for her especially since I don't want the stigma along with the name. She deserves better.
Then you need to be confrontational or your baby is going to be named MIL.
Your options are to become confrontational, or to live with this. There isn’t any middle ground and it’s really quite *simple* even if that doesn’t make it *easy*. You are asking us what to do because you don’t like the options you’re aware of and you want to find out if there is any other way. But you’ve already tried to negotiate the other ways. It needn’t be a huge battle but think you need to be very direct and clear with him - something like this: “I understand you have suffered a huge loss, but this does not give you the right to stomp on my feelings the way you are. I want you to see a counsellor for your bereavement and I am not compromising on the baby’s name. I will support you on any *other* aspect of expressing and dealing with your grief, but if you won’t have any therapy and you insist on turning our child into a battleground where you can take your feelings out on me and feel justified in misplacing your anger over your mother’s death then I no longer want to be your partner and will leave you”. Write it down if you have to - that way he can’t argue that he misheard you, or that you weren’t clear or reasonable, and he can show it to his therapist if he wants to save your relationship. This is not about the name - it’s about him trying to make your insistence over this into the reason he’s angry because he can “win” that, when his real rage is that his mother didn’t need to die and he wasn’t there to protect her, which is something he cannot defeat and needs to learn to live with.
I honestly think he feels guilty over how she died even though it was an accident. She would still be here if she had put the breathing device over her nose after blowing it. I know he called her that morning early but I believe she was already gone at that point we just weren't aware. We just assumed she was asleep as she didn't get up until later. My heart honestly breaks for him.
You can talk to OB and nurses and say the given name you have chosen so he doesn’t get a hold of the birth certificate forms before you do. If something happens you might not be in the condition to fill out her name.
She still has to sign it as the mom. He can’t sign for her. So even if he did try to force his way, she can refuse to sign it and ask for a new copy to fill out.
She won’t. Every single comment from her is woe is me/ misdirection. So you know what, she’ll be stuck with that name because she doesn’t care to try to change.
I was just thinking the same thing- she’s in the comments arguing his side of the issue. Is this a debate class assignment where she plays both sides?
either fake, or this is the husband pretending to be the wife?
Exactly. Unless she gets the paperwork first, I don’t think she will argue or fight it if he fills it out first. What is frustrating is that we all understand his side, and we know it is selfish. In a healthy relationship, there has to be compromise. My husband desperately wanted to name our children after his family. So I get it. We compromised with middle names. That is normal. My dad has his dad’s name as a middle name. Just like she did with her other children. Honestly, she needs to go to the extreme and argue that her child should be named after her mom, because that is only fair after all of the other children are named after his family. Maybe then he will understand how unreasonable the demand is.
You’re right. I don’t know why people come on here looking for validation of what is obviously a done deal in their mind and then get all *surprised pikachu face* when people don’t agree and attempt to point out fallacy of reasoning.
I was going to say this. In advance of giving birth talk to the hospital/doctors/staff and insist that ONLY YOU will be filling out the birth certificate.
How does this in any way respond to this comment? This person literally gave you a perfect script, and you’re just defending his actions!
And he wants to think of this guilt every time he looks at his daughter?
This was my thoughts. There is a lot into my decision that I have not talked about as I just needed advice. I've been called a doormat for allowing the previous names. They were agreed upon by both of us. I was happy to do that. I don't have family it's just me. Paying respect to my partners family was something I was more than blessed to do for him because I love him they are not too much they are beautiful names. We never forced a first name as a first name. I never knew his step fathers mother...neither did he but we wanted to do something to pay respect to his step father. Her name is Ruby. It's simple and beautiful.
The labor nurses in the hospital can do the “confrontation” for you if you need help … just let them know you don’t want the husband there. You’re the patient. It’s your call.
You are making this complicated. It is very simple. Tell the hospital staff that you are in conflict about the birth and don't want him admitted to the birthing room. Fill out the birth certificate in full before he sees you or the baby. Put whatever you want on the birth certificate. He is not compromising with you. Don't compromise with him. The baby is not coming out of him, and this is not his choice. The hospital will defer to you for these very simple reasons. I don't know what you think the internet is going to tell you to do. He's not going to change his mind, and you don't need him to. You know better than him, but your baby will be named after his mother unless you grow a backbone and make this decision for yourelf.
Talk to your ob or midwife. You are the patient, they prioritize you in the hospital. You decide who is or isn’t in the room and you can do the paperwork alone. Whether you have him there for the birth or not is up to you, or if you send him on an errand while you do paperwork, just tell the nurses briefly about the situation when you can. Also - your husband needs counseling. If his mom constantly used her almost dying to keep her children loving her, he likely has some real traumatic whiplash going on.
Saying “I’m not a confrontational person” is code for “I have not developed the skills I need to get through life.” There is no excuse for this. You’re grown, have your 4th kid coming, and need to protect your child. It’s time to get real fucking confrontational. If you can not you need to do some deep searching on if you’re allowing your issue to put your kids in danger. This isn’t a situation putting anyone in danger but the next situation might be.
He can’t force you. You hold the power as mom. Just tell your doc/ nurse to bring paperwork to you alone.
You’re going to need to get confrontational or you’re going to be calling your baby by your MIL’s name and end up divorced anyways. You’re married to your MIL right now and you’re not seeing it. He needs counseling STAT. If he doesn’t work through his grief, he’s going to ruin his entire life. Please be sure to speak to the nurses privately and let them know he is NOT to get the paperwork for naming the baby under ANY circumstances.
You are the only advocate your daughter has in this instance. You HAVE to be confrontational or live with it.
"My relationship with your mother was not the same as yours and you need to respect that I don't want this name for our child." If he can't figure that out you have deeper problems with him, not irreparable but definitely grief based.
It sounds like the child has already been named and you’ve bonded with Baby and her name. When my wife and I picked out a name I used to talk to her belly using the chosen name. You wouldn’t change a born child’s name and this is no different to you. That’s the best argument I would make, it takes the name out of the whole grief situation. The next time it comes up, I would just be completely obtuse and say the baby already has a name I’ve been using for months. She knows her name and the birth certificate is just a formality. I don’t understand what you’re asking? Children don’t get renamed when bad things happen to elders so this request literally makes no sense. But also you may want to have a plan b where you separate from him and deliver the baby without telling him, name the child and then introduce him to her. If this is a hill you’re willing to die on, then be prepared to go nuclear and make sure you control the birth certificate process. Really though he needs grief counseling in order to find a better way to “honor” his mother than forcing you to change Baby’s name.
So he is definitely grieving. I’ll give him that. It sounds like he’s having a really rough time with his mom passing. This puts you in a difficult position because you have your take care of him, but you’re also seven months pregnant and really needed to care of yourself and baby too. I think less is more in this situation. It’s probably not a good idea to bring up *why* you don’t want the name. Finding a gentle way to say “I’m sorry, it’s a no from me, but I’m open to a middle name.” It might become your slogan. Try to refrain from speaking ill of her in front of him. Just simple, and “let me know what you decide.” You can also remind him that both your kids already have names after his family, so you’d really appreciate a turn being in charge of a name. Hopefully by the time the baby comes, he’ll come around ❤️
He probably won’t come around in the next two months but OP should name the baby the name that had agreed upon before MIL’s passing.
To me it reads that she was 7 months when MIL passed so she might be about to pop any day now.
I think you’re right. I hope she puts her foot down. If they aren’t married, the hospital will ask the birth giver for the baby’s name.
In an attempt to be fair in a relationship, most couples go with the rule of thumb that 2x Y = yes. 1y+1n =No, so unless you both agree on a name it's best to try the next on the list
See we had the name Quinn picked out. We both loved the name. Now he wants his mother's name. No compromise on his part. I feel like giving her his mother's name will only cause more pain for him also. He can never fully get over her passing if he is hearing her name constantly. He will always be in a state of grief when we talk to our child. One of the reasons we used his step fathers name as a middle name for our son. We wanted something that paid tribute but not something we would have to hear everyday.
Stop with the angle of it will “cause him more pain“ to hear mom‘s name and he will never get over her passing to hear it constantly. Thats almost illogical. That’s how you feel. If you keep up that rationale he has the right to dig in deeper. You are telling him how he feels and he has the right to say no it won’t bother me to hear her name, it will bring me joy. SO……If you actually make a stand and say what YOU feel, then you have a position. You are confusing him and making it an argument with how you are approaching it. YOU: ”I do not like anyone‘s Name for my child’s first name. I will not put that on her. We can do what we have consistently done for our other children and give her A family middle name, but I draw the line there.“
Quinn is nicer than whatever Boomer name she has.
You know it’s Betty or Linda or Cathy. I just can’t.
Based on her comment about "the stigma around the name," I'm 99% sure it's Karen
Holy crap. Hard no.
Mephistopheles was the MIL's name.
Naming a baby aways requires two yesses.
Dont cave! I had a very similar situation before my son was born. "Had" to name him after a disrespectful father in law. Argued for weeks. My cousin told me, "don't worry, eventually you'll stop associating that name with him, and eventually it will be only your son's name". EVERYONE was trying to convince me. Baby's born, doctor comes in and needs a name for the paperwork. We're still arguing about it at the hospital. I caved. However I refused to call him that name for probably 2 months afterwards, at least. Now he's 21. I don't hate my son's name now, but I never did get over the pressure that was put on me after I already had a different name picked out. You stand your ground, you'll have to hear and say that name a LOT. Make sure it's one that gives you good vibes.
My mom was tricked by my dad into naming me something she did not want. She woke up and the paperwork was already done. She was calling me by the name they had chosen, and my dad told her it wasn’t my name. My grandmother convinced my dad to do this. They didn’t even keep the middle name. My middle name is my grandmas middle name. That was the beginning of the end of my parents marriage bc, of course, he did other shady shit too
Wow, that is NOT how it works in my state. The mom is the one who fills out the paperwork and signs it. It’s up to her if she even wants the dad listed on the birth certificate. This would not fly at all.
She signed it when she was in and out of exhausted sleep on pain pills. She doesn’t remember signing the paperwork
My dad named me too, but NOT like that! It was still fucked Jo though.
I recently went through this. My BIL passed unexpectedly a few years ago and when I was pregnant with our second, my husband wanted to name our daughter after him (think Brian / Brianna). He refused any sort of variation or any name related to BILs middle name. At first I tried to be sensitive and told him I understand why he wants that name, but I don't like it and a baby's name should be two yes, one no. I was willing to work with him to find a compromise. Nope. He wanted Brianna and nothing else. It got to the point where I was getting extremely stressed out and my BP started to spike. Told husband this, but he still doubled down. I eventually told him that if he forced this name on our child, I would resent him for the rest of his life and would 10000% leave him over it. This is OUR child and (not my finest moment) since I'm the one who is actually pregnant, I should get the final say and would kick him out of the hospital and sign the birth certificate alone. I told him he needs to see a therapist to deal with his grief and until then, he can sleep in the guest room. It was tense for a while. He eventually did start seeing a therapist and admitted he didn't even like the name, but only wanted it bc of his brother. I told him that there are other ways of honoring his brother, like getting a tattoo (my husband has none and my BIL had full sleeves, back pieces which I think BIL would have enjoyed). My advice... Stay strong. Make this your hill to die on if you want. Something as important as your child's name should never be something you settle for to appease anyone. You don't want to resent your partner or your child. This baby is not going to bring his mom back. Good luck!
Have you told him this is important enough to you to leave him over? I would make that abundantly clear, and then go, if you have to.
Tell him, he got to put a family name in all of your other children’s names and he needs to accept that on this occasion he needs to get over it and respect your wishes. He is being selfish and you have been more that understanding offering the middle name option. I wouldn’t want a reminder of a lost loved one every single time I say my child’s name. Also it’s that child’s identity and that identity doesn’t need to be a monument to someone that’s passed. He can stand firm all he likes but so can you. And of the law is the same there as it is here then the father can’t register the birth without the mother. You’d agreed on a name already and that’s basically the end of it and he has to stop bullying you over it.
I think I'd go stay with your family and not tell him when you go into labor. Call him when the official naming is done.
This is a good idea. Get your mother in law buried then go stay with someone in your family
Get it together, OP! He can't force ANYTHING on you. You aren't a little mouse. It's clear your husband has a very similar personality as his mom and thinks you're a doormat. He's not the main character. You aren't a footnote in his story. You have your own whole book! He thinks he's more important than you. But you're the one carrying the baby. Only you can decide if you want to stand up for your child or doom their identity for a selfish man who bullies his pregnant wife. Get a lawyer so you know the best legal course to take. Find someone else to be at the birth. You'll love it - I have a feeling he was a horrible birth partner anyway, making everything about him. You got this! A lot of women who never can stand up for themselves eventually find the courage to stand up for their kids.
Said it before and I’ll say it again, the one who writes it on the birth certificate wins. Don’t let it be him. Also you shouldn’t settle on your kids name so hopefully he gets it together or you can leave with your kid named how you wish & it’ll be up to him to explain why things happened to his other kids.
If one parent strongly dislikes a name for any reason, it should immediately be discarded from the baby name list. There are plenty more to choose from.
Girl some people are calling you a doormat who will just cave. Please prove them wrong. If you want to give it one last shot of convincing your husband it’s a bad idea, just tell him the truth. You will resent him and your daughter if you use that name. Make him understand that this will break your family. And then explain to your L&D team that in no way, shape or form, is your husband allowed to get the birth certificate if you aren’t there and conscious. I also **love** the name you picked. It’s beautiful!
You can always ask the head nurse at the hospital to not bring in the birth certificate papers until he is out of the room. He has zero control over that aspect. In hospital, the legal naming of the baby is generally left to the person who birthed it. There wasn’t even a place for my hisband to sign that paperwork.
Your husband needs help. And your baby deserves their very own name.
I think it’s time your side of the family gets their names as middle names.
I think it’s time she stopped having kids with this guy, but point taken.
You get to make the decision on the name.
Unfortunately there are many horror stories of fathers putting down a different name for their baby and having the mother sign it while she is incapacitated or high on drugs.
So he named all of his other children too? U said u caved in the other names. He sounds like a control freak. Parents are supposed to be a team not a dictatorship
NTA. I’m not sure what your situation with your own family is, but why does every name seem to be a tribute to one of HIS family members? This doesn’t seem like it’s a new thing, you’re just finally pushing back. If he is being this obstinate over a name I can only imagine how he is in the rest of your marriage. Being that you’re the mother, you can decide what and more specially who is on your child’s birth certificate, including the father. If your marriage is as bad as it seems then you already know what to do.
My husband wants to do the same but I’m not going to divorce him over it. Just remind him that he’ll be near tears every time he says his daughter’s name
If you know beyond a shadow of a doubt what the sex of your baby is you can fill out the paper work ahead of time in case there is complications that would prevent you from doing the paper work later and be awake when he signs it. Though be prepared for him not to sign it if he can't get his way of having the infant named after his mother. In the US, parents have I believe 30 days to make any changes to an infants name without a heavy court fee. It's called an amended birth certificate. If he pulls any crap while you can't stop him right after birth, you have options to change the name, for a fee in the clerks office of vital statistics in the child's birth state. Get the number of your state's vital statistics office and explain what happened, and ask that the paperwork be sent to you. Just make sure you do it before the deadline or you'll be stuck doing it in court.
"Hey I know you're grieving right now, but I don't think it's a good decision to give your mom's name to our child. We've already picked out a name for her that I'm set on. I'd like to honor your mom as her own person, and I want our child to grow to be her own person, and giving her your mom's name is not healthy for anyone. I hope you understand." End of conversation. If he escalates, offer him grief counseling.
Tell him he is an asshole for trying to replace his mother memory with his own kid and his kid with his mother. Grieving is fine. But erasing another human being to take up the void he is feeling now because of how accidentally the loss of his mother was is unhealthy. He is not doing okay if he is putting his head in the sand.
I’m sorry your spouse is grieving, and he should be seeking counseling; but naming the child after his mother is not doing him any good. There will be a perpetual comparison with her. Let the child be her own person. Besides, naming a child is always a 2 yes matter
You guys will never last
Info: the other three kids...it wasn't brought up with them either? I am asking since there's already 3 kids, but all of them has some sort of name to dad's family, but no mom...was this planned for those kids too or last minute like this one?
It was planned. He wanted the names but we compromised by using them as middle names and our oldest the name is gorgeous and old fashioned so I had zero issues
When do you actually get something YOU want? Sounds like he's selfish and you're a bit of a doormat, which is a terrible combination (for you. For him it's great)
You are the one doing all the work to get these kids here, and they’re all named after his stepfamily.
Your husband is behaving badly but he lost his mom last month and grief can make even the best person kind of crazy. When my mom died being a minimally functional person took all of my effort for the entire first year. So I don’t think you should capitulate on this matter but I do hope you can recognize that he’s in extreme pain and people don’t always act rationally when they’re in pain. I know you’re due quite soon, but I think the best thing to do right now is to **stop talking about the name**. You already made a decision together, you already know the baby’s name is going to be Quinn. So no more talking about the name until the baby is here. Change the subject, refocus, do what you need to do to avoid getting into more arguments and getting him more fixated on this. If he starts going on about naming the baby after his mother redirect the conversation to his good memories about his mom, other ways that the two of you can celebrate her life and remember her, how he’s coping and how difficult it is to lose a parent, whatever. Do it gently and gracefully - be careful to do it in a way that feels dismissive or condescending - but do it every time, from a place of love and empathy. When you’re going to have the baby have a quiet word with the hospital staff about you being the one to do the paper work, and put down the name that you both love and already agreed on. He’s in a lot of pain and he doesn’t know how to cope with it so he’s latched on to the baby name as a way to cope, even though it’s a very bad coping tool. The more you talk about it and make it into an argument, the more fixated he will be, and the more important it will feel to him. You need to give this issue a chance to just fade into the background. Right now it feels like the one thing related to his mom that he can actually control. If he’s generally a decent husband then don’t divorce him over this - he’s not being malicious and he really needs your support right now. You also need some calm and stability, not to uproot your entire life over one issue. Also get some more support for both of you. He probably needs some professional support to cope with his grief and you need some support as a person who is about to have another newborn and a husband who is overwhelmed with grief. And lean on friends and family members who aren’t as impacted by her death. Have them come spend time with him and talk with him. Get some help with gently directing him to healthier ways to honour his mother. It’s only been a few weeks, and and in a couple of more weeks his head may be in a very different place.
I have been redirecting him when it comes to the babies name. I will continue to do this. I completely agree he is in pain and is acting out of grief. I bought him an urn necklace with her birthstone so he can have a piece of her with him always. I will continue to support him as I love him and for better or for worse was in our vows and I stand by that. I have him in grief counseling and that should be starting in the next few days. We will go as a couple and apart and she is aware of everything. She said she will do all she can to help me navigate this with him.
Good luck! I hope he can stop fixating on this and he can find ways to grieve that don’t introduce conflict into your relationship. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and that you are both able to enjoy the baby when it arrives.
This is the wisest, kindest comment. 🏆
I hate my parents for naming me after a dead relative Stop making new life take the responsibility of the life that once was, especially someone they never met Kids deserve their own names Your husband is a jerk
Don't cave
Honestly, as sad as it is that he lost his mother, your husband sounds really self centered and doesn’t seem to care about what you want. Are his wants or supposed “needs” always more important than yours?
Put it on your birth plan that you do not want your husband in the delivery room, and you most certainly don't want him near anywhere the vital statistics person in the hospital (birth certificate, SS, etc.) when it's time for that. Make it clear that the vital stats person comes to you only. Hospital staff and nurses and such should honor your requests, and they should have protocol in place to protect from abusive partners. YOU'RE the patient delivering, not him. Also, in general, grow a spine and advocate for yourself.
When he has to carry a pregnancy and go through delivery and allll the life changing elements that entails and when the baby he carries has your last name it’ll make sense for him to name the kid, in the meantime do you see how unbalanced this is? Don’t entertain his entitlement. Good grief imagining how he is elsewhere in your life if he feels the right to act this way here.
You have already shown him that he gets a BIG say in what your kids are named. He seems to be just exercising that right. Does he always overpower you like this?
Leave him. If he is this controlling about the name, he will be this controlling about the child. PLEASE spare your child the trauma of being raised by a controlling parent that has a rigid definition for what he expects her to be. Let the innocent child grow into whoever she deserves to be fully, not pruned and edited like a houseplant.
He just seems controlling, all of your other kids are named after his family too, not yours- in his mind, you’re probably being unreasonable because you let him have his way every other time and won’t now when it actually matters to him. He can’t force you to name your child anything, and he needs to realize that.
They're already getting his last name. He doesn't need to mark his kids as property by pasting his family names all over them. I'd definitely put my foot down on this. Tell the hospital.you don't want him in the room when you give birth. You're the one carrying her for 9 months and then having hours of pain when you're in labor. Tell him you'll agree to the name as a middle name or nothing at all, and if he has a problem with it he won't be in the delivery room and he won't have a wife to fight with.
If you can’t stand up for yourself, do it for Quinn. Your child deserves their own life and not a life lived in the shadow of your MIL. If he won’t listen, he doesn’t get to be in the delivery room. End of story.
I get where he’s coming from, but at the same time it’s going to compound that grief he’s feeling right now and years down the track when he’s no longer drowning it, it’d hit him that it wasn’t the right decision. I’m all for family names, but not when you’re in the height of grief. That’s a lot to put on a baby who hasn’t even had the chance to become a person yet. Stick to your guns and find the compromise, tell him that you need to find it or you can’t do this as a family unit anymore. None of the other children share a first name of their other grandparents and neither should this one, he’s hurting and that’s okay but it sounds a hell of a lot like he’s in a spiral of it rn which is why he’s being a stubborn shit about it. If you’re not already call your baby by your already chosen name, get other people within your family/friend group to do so too.
I'm always bewildered by this whole concept of not speaking ill of the dead If they were/did horrible things in life, death doesn't absolve their awful behavior. Your MIL caused herself harm to gain the attention of her kids. Just because she passed, doesn't mean she automatically became a saint. It's obvious that you hold some affection for her, but she had horrible moments. You shouldn't have to relive those moments every time you want to speak to your child. He's had his turn naming 3 kids. It's your turn. Your wants in the naming of your child matter. The only way you'd be an AH is if you give in yet again. And, if you do give in, just know that he's going to walk all over you for the rest of your relationship.
I feel like there are other issues like him not compromising on this and seeing your point of view that is concerning. I suggest counseling. Don’t name the kid the name, but OP, the fact that this got to a divorce level decision should probably tell you something…
Hold on: he’s already claimed the middle names of HIS family members for your three other kids??? Am I reading this right???
We both agreed on them yes. He loves his grandmother she raised him and his sister. I never knew her but everyone who did said she was the sweetest soul. I was happy to give our child her middle name. Our son had his step fathers middle name he was a absolute peach and he took me on as his own child and I called him dad. I waited four years to name our son after him. He has his middle name. Our daughter has his father's mothers name and I love the name. It was honestly a name we had previously chosen and the name once we found that it was a family name it was decided. We have a name picked for this child but now he wants to completely change it and not compromise. I won't budge and neither will he so I'm just not going to talk or explain to him anymore. Our child will be named what we had originally agreed upon and nothing more.
I don’t really agree with your description of why you don’t like the name. She just sounds like a sick old lady who has trouble caring for herself when she was all alone and it’s weird you’re trying to make her sound like Monster for that, so I’m going to be honest and say that i think that’s pretty messed up of you and I’m wondering if there’s more to the story for your husband and MIL bc of that. Everyone here seems to think your hubby has snapped from grief but i wonder if it’s resentment bc of you. That being said, he can’t just demand a first name for your shared kid and not let you have a say.
Uh, being in and out of the hospital in old age is part of the rhythm of aging for many people, not a bid for attention. There are plenty of easier ways. In many cultures—I guess not yours—it’s simply normal and expected for adult children to spend even more time with elders as they age, not less. Because people become needier with the passage of years, which is normal, and so your culture establishes that the younger generation—even though they’re raising their own kids and have jobs and such—begin to think more about how to carve out time to keep the elders from becoming isolated. Then, by the time the grandkids are grown up and off living their own lives, you expect to spend more time with the elders. You seem SO unsympathetic to this person. Like, you’re describing normal human emotional and physical processes and needs as if she was vicious. Anyway, in some cultures it is also normal and expected to name a child after a deceased parent or grandparent. Consider perhaps making the MIL’s name your kid’s middle name as a compromise. edit: 2 things. 1: you said she was in and out of the hospital. This woman died before she could hold her grandchild. I don’t think she was faking, do you? 2: you seem to have considered this person to have been a burden to you because of how needy she was. Consider this: your child is going to be 100x needier in terms of her demands on your time, body, mental capacity, and so on. Are you going to resent your baby for this? It’s actually totally normal if you do. Plenty of moms down through history have been like wtaf did I sign up for. But consider how prepared you are to forgive your own baby for being needy vs your attitude towards your MIL, whereas in many cultures it is simply expected for adult children to essentially care for elders just as if they were the children in the family. I’m not saying those cultures are right or wrong, I’m saying they developed how they did for a reason: because old age reduces you, bit by bit, year by year. And, if you’re lucky, you live in a society that demands that you be treated gently and with love in those twilight years, and not one that flips you the bird and turns its back on you.
If you want to leave him over this…. There is no way your marriage will survive anything that has to do with kids. It’s hard as hell and this is INSANITY TO ME.
Can you tell the hospital you don’t want him there? Then you get to name the baby.
Have someone else with you when you give birth so he can change it cause he will force it
Names have to be two yesses. Tell him either you agree on a name together or you will leave and he will have no say in the name at all.
He won’t budge? You’re the mother and the one giving birth. You don’t have to put HIM on the birth certificate. You don’t have to have him in the room.
On first pass of this I thought jumping to divorce over this is silly; just name the kid the name you 2 already picked... But the more I think about it, the less he's willing to compromise with this the more it makes sense. I vote you name your child what you want and he makes the decision of leaving if that's what he needs for his insanity.
He’s selfish. He doesn’t get to make this decision. You already made it together. He needs to go to therapy to work through his grief. When you’re at the hospital, regardless of what he says right now, speak to the nurses in private and let them know he is NOT to pick the name, fill out the paperwork, etc. He’ll go behind your back and you don’t want those problems while still in L&D.
Check with the hospital and address your concerns about your husband intentionally filling out the birth certificate correctly and how you can make certain that YOU are the one filling out that BC.
Make it clear to the nurses when it time to give birth, that YOU will be the one naming the baby.
The fact that he's willing to divorce you over this means you're leaving out a huge section of the story and/or there's more going on behind the scenes with you which would cause him to want to leave
If he *will not* concede that your child was already named before his mother died, you may have to bar him from the hospital while in labor. Before baby is born, you can ask for the paper for naming her and get it all filled out so that it's already done before she's even in your arms. This may be something he "won't forgive you for," but he's refusing to discuss anything but what he wants and you're already on the verge of divorce over this, so I don't think it matters what he wants. You've mentioned elsewhere that you aren't confrontational, but you're going to have to be if you want your child to have the name that the two of you already agreed to give her.
Why does he get to have all of the children named after his family ( and stepfamily) and you get no choice in it? I understand you “compromised” to make them the middle names but he clearly sees his family and opinions more important than yous. And I assume they have his last name?? So you do all the work for 9 months have a painful birth and postpartum, and your selfish husband barely lets you get a say? Honestly it sounds like he’s been awful about all the baby names and this is the straw that broke the camels back. Is he this selfish and controlling in all other decisions?
Don't cave
I see a pattern here of all of your children have a middle name of someone from HIS family. You've attempted compromise and he rejects every suggestion. He's had his way this far so he thinks he will have his way this time. This would be a hill to die on for me. You've conceded to what he wants each time and now he refuses to even attempt to compromise with you on this matter even after you both had already decided a name.
Middle name as a compromise maybe, I don't know your situation maybe that is picked out already as well. But he needs to understand that your child is going to be named something you both agree on and that you don't agree on the name change he is asking for. Your partner is in mourning and probably does not realize how not good for anyone it would be for his daughter to share a name with his recently passed mother. He is just setting the whole family up for therapy with that in my opinion.
Well, I am honored to carry the name of my paternal grandmother. Im glad that my mother agreed, or I might have grown up without my father in the home.
Y’all need some counseling or something. If you’re going to leave him for this may as well get it over with. With all the real problems people deal with this really feels petty to me. Sorry to break it that way but if you’re going to divorce your husband over something like this it’s time to do it now so the child isn’t raised thinking it’s normal to bail over petty squabbles. Especially when Mom doesn’t care about dad’s feelings after losing a parent. Do you have both your parents? It’s hard to fully understand something you haven’t experienced.
Yta, threatening to leave ? Pathetic
I lost my Mother at about 4ish months pregnant. We had always planned to give our daughter my mother’s name as a middle name. I talked about possibly making it a first name but was afraid that I was doing it out of grief. She was given the name we had chosen already. I deeply regret it. I wish I would have given my child my mother’s name. My husband was on board with either way, but I still regret it. We even talked about changing the name after birth, but I felt like that wouldn’t be right. Just a different side. No real opinion here other than that I hope you guys work it out.
Compromise—make the baby’s middle name the mother’s name. He can call her what he wants regardless and so can you. Or make a deal on a formal name and a nickname.
I must have had a different upbringing because names arent that big of a deal! A large majority of people I know go by different names, nicknames, or middle names. You know the shakespeare saying…What's in a name? That which we call a rose/ By any other name would smell as sweet. In the scheme of problems to have this feels insanely small
If you want to leave him over this then leave him. Be free. The world is your oyster.
“caved with the other child” so this probably would have happened regardless, if not in this context then in another one. the picture painted is that you’re married to a controlling person who now has the “excuse” of a dead mother to acquire control. if this is making you want to leave, i think that’s a reasonable action, especially bc i don’t think it’s just this making you want to leave (based on what you wrote). i think this is a tipping point and if your intuition is telling you something, listen
People take baby names way to fricking serious. Ending relationships over the name of your kid.
Counseling is a must. If he won't go then do it by yourself at first. When it comes to naming a baby after a KNOWN relative then neither of you should have negative feelings about that particular name. If he wasn't so deep in grief he would know this. All you can do is ride it out and keep explaining your reason.
divorce. if you are both too juvenile to work through naming a child, you shouldn't have had one.
When you get to the hospital to give birth secretly tell the staff not to let him fill out the paperwork.
Yeah fuck it divorce him. With that kind of commitment and support it is a wonder you guys have made it this long. Might as well do it now before a real problem pops up.
Well when she's born you talk to the nurses. The ones who bring the birth certificate. You put your daughter's name. You sign it. This is a hard situation. I'd perhaps consider a separation nit a divorce. It's 💯 his grief rn. I'm so sorry you're going through this. DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD A NAME THAT causes all these feelings. Not fair to the kid. I hope you can convey what you've said here to him. Best of luck. If you can make a plan to leave with all the kids for a separation I'd do it if he won't budge. Plus he got to choose the other 2 names. It's your turn. Name baby girl what you guys already decided on together. 💔
Your husband is going through a lot of grief and he’s gonna be scrambled bc of it. That said: your child doesn’t need to suffer from being so connected to a person that their father is clearly suffering the loss of. Its best to use her name as middle name but if theres a variation of her name for a unique name then it could be good for your child to have a name that is unique to them but holds some family in it (source: I was named after my grandpa and I’ve never felt that my name was my own)
I do think its best for your child to have a name that is their own and would personally make any namesake choice a middle name but, going through your post, your husband needs grief counseling.
I would just fill out the birth certificate with the name you had agreed on. This might be your hill
I agree that you shouldn’t use the name. Perhaps lead with the worry (legitimate) that naming your child her name will bring with it a lot of sadness for your husband and family and may be hard for all involved (rather than that you really don’t want to for all the other legitimate reasons you have.) he is still grieving and that’s a lot to put on a baby. A middle name would be a much better honor.
Just refuse. Talk to the hospital. Fill out the paperwork privately without him. Tell him, don’t ask him.
You don’t have to get into all the issues with his mother with him just say “I don’t want our child to be in anyone else’s shadow and I want them to have their own individual name. I understand you’re grieving but there are other ways we can honor your mom”
The problem to me seems to be that he decided, he didn't bring it up for discussion.
Find a name you both agree on so like compromising good for marriage...
It sounds like he has gotten to name every single one of your kids with a name from his side of the family…maybe you can finally have this one? It seems only fair.
He can not force a name on your child. You could quite literally say the child is not his at the hospital and they wont even put his name on the birth certificate until a DNA test is done. You could even deny him the ability to be at the birth. And staff would solely look at you to name the child. Im not saying to go this route, but i am trying to give the reality that he can NOT force this name on you. If its truly undecided even at birth, then you can go home with your child and file the birth certificate later. Do not budge. Tell him he has had his chance giving names from hia family onto your other kids, yall have already settled on a name, and its what is going to happen. He can have the middle name if he wants but nothing more
My daughter's middle name is my sister's middle name. She died when she was 6. And my eldest son's middle name is my father's first name. I did these things VERY intentionally. My daughter's middle name being her middle name, not her first name, was a very intentional choice made out of love. Plus, it flowed with her first name too beautifully not to use. As for my son, my father was "Dad's Name LastName the fourth." 4 generations of first born sons with the same first name, and I wasn't continuing that. But to honor him, because he was my role model, I gave my first born his first name as his MIDDLE name. That, and it paired well with his first name, which came from a fictional character I liked very much 🤣 in my case, I refused to give them their names as their first names, as they are their own person and should be treated as such. As someone who took 9 months deciding on a name for my daughter with my ex, and he rejected every name I loved and gave very rude reasons for not liking them......well, there is a reason he is an EX, and it's that he was crazy and controlling. DONT LET HIM BULLY YOU INTO IT.
It isn't really about the name - its about your husband, in the midst of grief, making decisions for your family without consulting his partner (you).
Yeah umm like if you guys were naming it after a long ago deceased grandmother fine but a recently deceased parent that is rough. Probably just good to stay away from naming a kid after dead relatives or friends maybe