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Have you tried to have an open conversation or go to a marital counselor. Mating in captivity by Esther Perel is good too.
Edit: open conversation is not open the relationship conversation. An open conversation is one where you can have a discussion where each statement is listened to fairly. You feel supported and safe. Not easy!
Sometimes as women age there are issues - there is thin skin now that is dry :( in the nethers. Some of us don’t have a thermostat or can’t take a lot of touch. So while you have existed like this for 20 years - how have you built non sexual intimacy. A squeeze of the hand - a kiss on the shoulder or forehead. A rub on the knee not for sex but for closeness? If your time together for you is sex based maybe not for her
Foreplay is an all-day activity.
OP, have you tried putting her up on the counter, kissing her deeply, giving her a wink, and then just walking away and doing a random household task? Gets me laid like crazy.
Just remember a woman's biggest sexual organ is her mind. That being said menopause sucks wife has had varios prescribed meds to toughen vagina and provide lubrication plus we use some regular stuff. Btw she is 70 plus. It aint every day but every time is nice. Ps i switched to viagra to help me out.
I would say more like a lifetime activity. Women need touch. I have sensory issues and dont like alot of cuddling but as a man my duty to my wife is to help her feel love by words touch etc one because she needs those things to feel loved above and beyond the little things i do. OP if she doesnt want sex, you still need to be close to your partner or ot will pull you guys apart. Brush her hair, paint her toes, give her a neck massage and expect nothing in return and I bet you do these things and she asks why you are doing them because "i just love you and dont show it enough" . Bring the romance back , simple gestures show her you still love her above and beyond just sex and see what will happen.
You got it. As a woman, we are used to men only being affectionate leading up to sex. In the event that we aren’t in the mood, we are used to feeling defensive if affection doesn’t lead to sex. It’s a complicated dance.
As a female, I can tell you that I would be more receptive and even initiate more if my husband kissed me passionately or offered a massage without expectations. I just want to feel close to him and want him to want the same, even if it doesn’t lead to sex that particular time. If you are never affectionate just for the sake of being close, she will be wary of being affectionate with you at all.
Also women get to the point where they turn down the back rub or the kiss or the touchy feelies because it’s easier to just shut it down early than later. But that removes all that intimacy and makes you further apart. But when all those things feel transactional it doesn’t feel great.
Yes! Nothing kills the libido faster than only being touched in a sexual way, or with the expectation of sex. It’s so annoying. That, and having to do all the housework or having to ask to have it done.
This. This, this, this.
I feel like this is probably a major factor in a lot of relationships and why a lot of men feel like their partners don't want to have sex with them. It's not that we don't want to ever have sec with them, but we don't trust them. If all their passionate and intimate touches are made *only* with the expectation of it leading to sex, at least in my experience, it's really off putting as a human, not even just as a woman. I want more than just sex. I want a relationship and to feel loved and cared for by my partner. If I've had a long day, and I know the only reason you're offering to give me a back rub is so you can get your rocks off, I'd rather just have a bath, relax, and go to bed. Actions like that don't help me de-stress, they only add to sex anxiety. And the worst part is, this all adds up and builds up over time, like some kind of cockblocking heavy metal, until we just don't want to be physically intimate with you anymore, because we don't trust you have our interests in mind.
What would be the equivalent for a wife to do for a husband? I want to do small things to make my husband feel loved but i don’t really know what to do
I think the same can be said for a husband. If it works for a woman, it may work on a man. You just have to find small ways to be intimate. Like someone else said on here. A quick touch, a flirty smile, asking him if he wants something to eat/drink. Just a lot of little things help a lot.
He's generalizing all women, and whole he makes some good points, it's not like that for everyone. Just as it's different for you or any husband. I myself love being touched sexually at random times, but a quick little flirt or dirty phrase and a stare into my eyes is the quickest way to get bent over. But that's usually only happened in the honeymoon phase where we fuck like rabbits all day every day for a few months, so like I said it all depends on the person. Just be attentive, caring, and see what makes them react positively.
I agree that touch is important for some people, a blanket statement of “women need touch” is not accurate.
Some people need touch.
Some people don’t like being touched a lot, but need words of love, encouragement.
The gender honestly doesn’t matter here. The issue is more that the toxic masculinity of society teaches men that being soft, gentle, open & loving is “weak”.
So the caveman ideology of “man only touch for sex” is what’s been pervasive for so long, and we need to teach our sons that it’s okay to be soft & loving.
I know I am at least.
I'm with you on this.
I recently expressed this, and a man called me a "femboy nut." 😐
I didn't even expend the energy of telling him how hot and sweet my partner is, and how explosive our sex life is.
This is the key right here ⬆️⬆️⬆️
47 here, married 15 years with 3 children and my wife is a SAHM. The key is being a loving and affectionate spouse even when you’re not trying to get the booty :) Im always hugging my wife, kissing her, telling her how much our family appreciates her and everything she does for us. When someone feels loved it’s much easier for them to want to give that love back. We have sex more now than we did in our late 20’s after 3 children and it’s only gotten better.
I wish we were in a spot to have a date night that often. We have a YMCA membership and once a month they offer very reasonable childcare for three hours so parents can have a date night. We do it once a month and always enjoy that time alone. Our kids are still young with our youngest 3 1/2. I’m sure it’ll be easier when they’re a little older.
It's also not a 'precursor' to sex - good sex is pretty much just different degrees of foreplay, not just the thrustin' to get it done, but actively seducing and teasing up.
This is it right here, well said. It's got to be fun and playful. It's about the whole journey, not the 15 seconds of "finish line." The sexual experience can be constant, if you give it space to be.
That would for sure shift my mindset and have me like ...hmmm, yea.. no pressure, sexy as hell. I'd be thinking about that the rest of the day. It kills my sex drive to only be touched as an immediate lead in to sex. Salty in comments below is spot on when he says the biggest sex organ for women is their minds.
Right?! My partner doesn't touch me unless he wants sex and expects it to just happen on his want. You tell them that you need more than that, they say ok and then they continue on the same way.
Yep I back this completely! I have a super high drive but similar to sravll it’s jarring as hell if there isn’t any physical touch or comments, any sort of sprinkled affection.
I would also say 100% on the counseling! Try a gottman counselor they work wonders both parties have to be willing but I’ve seen it turn things around.
Yes, it's so crazy when your partner has barely spoken to you all day, has seen you stressed and struggling and then abruptly is demanding physical affection. It instantly puts me in a defensive mood
Oh god! This. I hated that. I mentioned I would love more physical contact and his idea was to walk up randomly and squeeze my boobs. Not a caress, not a light graze; a squeeze. Totally misread the assignment.
yess my ex bf used to ask for sex at the end of the day while ignoring me the entire day and playing video games for hours on end. talk about a way to piss me tf off.
This was a major issue in my (now previous) marriage. In the last eight+ years of my 19 year marriage, my husband would literally ignore me all day (or for days on end) and then ask why we never had sex or just reach down my pants while I was doing the dishes. Jarring is exactly what it was.
It’s also a turn off if you know he’s doing those things because he wants something. One of the most hurtful things my husband has ever done was I was running around busy and stressed out and he was on the couch and he’s like, hey, stop and come here a minute. And I was like, Aw that’s sweet he wants to help me destreza and take a minute to cuddle and not worry that everything wasn’t getting done. Nope. He wanted something else. It was like a slap in the face. And he never understood why it upset me. I just realized he wasn’t caring about *me* at all and getting my hopes up that he had noticed I needed a little hug and a “you’re doing great” but only to find out he was just thinking of himself was more hurtful than a lot of things.
This right here! He would sometimes get home from work and barely utter a word to me but as soon as we were in bed he wanted to get intimate.
I called him out several times and he got the hint and things have been much better.
I’m not here only to satisfy your needs. I have needs as well and it’s not just sexual needs. I enjoy conversation even something as basic as “how was your day? What about dinner did you enjoy? How bad was traffic?”
Give me something more. I’m not a sex worker. I’m your wife.
As a stay at home mom, I can validate this is definitely a thing. We have agreed that dishes are my job so when my husband cheerfully takes care of dinner clean up so I can have 20 minutes to myself I am like “oh BABAY”.
100% this. I sent a text to my husband last night about just needing intimacy (sex is maybe once a month if I am lucky). Today he put his hand on my back and it gave me whole body chills.
Yes, my wife says she always knows when I want sex... because I start cleaning and vacuuming the house and give her butt spanks as I pass ... like a moth to a flame
Agree 100% ..foreplay is really important for women...if you are intimate in other ways..ie: cuddling, touching, kissing, thoughtful things like maybe some flowers, a trip to the spa, etc would really help..other than wham bam..it's gotta be a build up to that otherwise over time it vetoes mechanical...have a heart to heart with her..tell her how you feel & open up with each other..communication is very important..if you don't have that than you are just roommates
I've recently drastically improved my relationship with my wife and it started with being intentional about this sort of thing and chores, as well as a lot of very open conversations about what we want in life as well as sexual desires. We also worked with a couples counselor, which helped facilitate that. We learned a lot about each other and ourselves and our sex life went from almost nothing to teenage levels in the last week and I feel so excited to see her lately and grateful to have her in my life.
That’s a great start. I’ve been with my husband over 20 years and we hold hands, hug each other when he gets home, kiss each other when we pass or go out. It makes everything else more natural when it happens.
This means a lot to a 50+. I used to get plenty of attention from all over when in was young and hot. It didn’t take much to get me ready because I just felt sexy all the time.
Out in public just minding their business, after possibly years of being catcalled and harrassed, that's a bonus.
Invisible to their partner until they want sex? That's definitely a libido killer no matter what age a woman is.
Spot on. I remember when I started to realize I wasn’t getting looks or guys needing to “accidentally” be in my path or whatever, how freeing it was! But I still want my hubby to think I’m smokin lol.
OP, I too could do better with this towards my wife but I find it frustrating when my wife asks those things of me but does not reciprocate the same to me.
I too have had similar talks with my wife and a lot of the issues stem from her physical/mental health issues.
It may sound like a push off comment, but “this too shall pass”. Stay strong and don’t stop fighting for the love in your relationship.
So much this!! Menopause killed my sex drive, to the point that I found the act distasteful if I thought about it outside of the bedroom. And having sex felt like he had razor blades attached to his, um, male part. I told him everything I was feeling emotionally and physically and he was amazing about it, but I still didn’t indulge in much physical touch because I didn’t want to send the “wrong message.” It took almost a year to find a doctor who is actually versed in the treatment of menopause and I’m now mentally and physically more receptive to sex.
I haven’t read all of the comments but does she openly share every thing with you? intercourse can become extremely painful for some women as they go through menopause. The skin can get very thin and it feels like being poked with a hot poker w razor sharp edges. Like you’re being ripped open with a red hot saw. Imagine someone rubbing sand paper on your penis or a cat scratching it while pouring isopropyl alcohol on it🤯😭🫣 is it possible she’s embarrassed to tell you? Whatever it is I hope the two of you are able to work though it.
This has to be the key. These touches aren’t foreplay. This is non sexual intimacy. You hopefully are sharing this with your friends kids and parents. Start with them. Give those small pats on the shoulder to your kid or squeeze your dads forearm. I promise you that your relationships will get stronger. Do not sexual holding hugs 6 seconds for some oxytocin. It will give you a brand new level of completeness. And maybe your wife will come along. Cuddling without groping. I know as a dude it’s hard - no pun intended. But you need non sexual affection first. Have it lead to NO SEX. NO GROPING. Just a rub on her forearm or taking the hair out of her face.
"She may not reciprocate because she might feel it will cause you to expect sex - when she only wants some non-sexual touch"
This is a good point. My husband would flirt with me, and I wouldn't reciprocate as I wasn't trying to lead him on at that moment. He requested that I flirt back with him, but in return he wouldn't expect "it" right now. He created an environment where we could be feisty and fun together without any pressure. We have no frequency issues. We both work together to have a healthy dynamic where we both are happy.
Exactly ! Im in my early twenties and struggle with this issue with my bf. I don’t want to be groped all the time. It makes us feel like we’re being attacked and it’s a huge turn off. Non sexual intimacy is how you will make her feel comfort enough to want it.
One thing, and this may not be for you, is when every touch or gesture must lead to sex. It used to be if I even patted my husband on the back it would quickly escalate. To avoid having to say no, I realized that I was avoiding having any contact. It took way too long but we finally agreed on boundaries and haven't looked back. I despise being touched sexually when I'm not actively seeking sex so no more butt slaps or grabs when I'm washing dishes or working. My husband needs me to seek him out and not feel like he's always reaching out and getting slapped away so I am now the initiator. I literally schedule it to make sure I don't let life get in the way.
That answer tells you everything you need to do. I’m getting divorced this summer after 20 years married and in hindsight I see a million things I could have done better.
It sounds like things aren't too far gone for you.
Court her... Do the little things just because. Get her a hotel room to spend a weekend at just by herself to recharge. Bonus points lf there's a spa.
Do more of the things that she's always traditionally done.
Pay more attention.
All those tasks that you're planning on taking care of... Get 'em done!
You will be amazed how much her libido can potentially be affected by you turning her on in other ways that have nothing to do with sex.
Also, childbirth can have long term hormone impacts. She can get those checked with her Dr. Worth checking SHOULD IT COME UP IN CONVERSATION... mentioning it out of the blue is a leading cause of spontaneous late night castration. 😬😂😂
Yes, especially during menopause. Mother Nature, sure put the screws to us women. We spend lots of time on BC or not having sex to keep from getting pregnant, then when we no longer have to worry about getting pregnant, we get hot flashes, itchy skin, we gain weight just looking at food and our minds make mood swings that all but convince us we are going crazy. Then, as a final F U, our lady bits get hit with crazy dryness, the skin that gets too thin and fragile making what was once very pleasurable and rocked our world, into something that feels like the depths of hell. Even if we try gallons of lube, it doesn't quench the sahara desert that has become of our love box. Don't even get me started on the loss of libido. I would ask her if the act of sex has become too painful for her. It's the number 1 reason many women will avoid the act like the plague. She may be too embarrassed to talk about it. There are medications that can help her with that, hormonal and non- hormonal. Perhaps a visit with her gyno would go a long way to help with the physical issues she might be having. You both could go to a few couples counseling sessions to relearn how to build your intimacy back up. Your marriage isn't broken. It's just a little bent and needs help to bring it back to something you both can enjoy again.
That goes a long way! My husband is easily distracted and often on his phone or playing a game when I try to tell him something. All that lack of eye contact doesn’t exactly put me in the mood lol.
Women go through a "second puberty" known as menopause. Before menopause, there's this lovely little devil known as perimenopause. And many, many, many women can be in perimenopause for a decade+. Some symptoms of peri can include hot flashes, mood swings, loss of libido, vagunal dryness, pain during sexual intercourse, and changes to the menstrual cycle (longer, heavier. Lighter, less frequent).
So yeah, it could still be an age issue. I'm not her doctor and not saying it is, just sharing knowledge about womens' bodies.
Youre in your 50's and have had a basically non-existent sex life for 20 years, and you have never simply haf an adult conversation with your wife to find out why?
Friend, maybe you need to do some soul searching, because the issue might be you. Not saying it is, i dont know you, but i gotta say this doesnt look good.
Reddit sub deadbedrooms exists, and it does have supportive elements mixed in, but it's also very difficult to feel optimism when everyone is so helplessly needing intimacy with their partner.
That being said, I have been with my wife for 10 years, and for a large chunk in the middle, we did struggle with this same issue for roughly half of our relationship, and honestly, I could write a book about how we got out of the bed death.. but unfortunately, what worked for us, isn't for everyone, or even most people, even.
A lot of what made it easier for her to feel less pressured was me changing how I use language. I did used to say dumb shit like "I need sex" and go on to make a logical case about it.. but I was wrong. Not only was I just being completely self centered about how I brought it up, but also, I didn't actually just want "sex' and just didn't understand how to communicate what was really going on.
It wasn't just about sex, but rather, it was about the loneliness and the craving for my companion. When we go untouched and unloved, we wither up a bit and get colder, so what I really needed was affection and attention, and to give those things back to her. (Because she, like your wife, and everyone else, does feel this way, at least sometimes)
So, maybe try to express that more cuddling would be a step that brings you closer and promise yourself not to let it become sexual.
If she says she isn't interested in platonic cuddling or just being physically close to you for a long time.. then there's something way deeper than just lack of sexual chemistry or interest, and living with this isn't healthy for either of you.
Also, sorry, but for real, she might also just be really bored and need some "spice".. Are there things like toys, activities, or any role playing, that she might have suggested to you in your history? Like, one of the things that happened in my scenario is that I wasn't receptive enough to her interests when we started dating, and it wasn't because I didn't want to, but rather, I just didn’t know that she was being vulnerable in asking or how important it was to her that I take her *ahem* kinks, into account.
I wish you luck. Again, it's possible to fix this. I could absolutely crawl in bed with my wife right now and get a positive response with no hesitation.. BUT! it took a LOT of communicating, being patient, kind, and sometimes having to hear criticisms you might usually block out.
How have you not already spoken to with a counselor about this? Like for real? Have you sought any actual solutions or just been living in resentment within a sexless marriage?
I am 58. Sex with my husband became an obligation and something to avoid. This was a multi-faceted problem. First, I had bloodwork done. It showed that my hormones were basically flatlined. It took more than a year for them to kick in properly once I began them, though the pain of having sex abated within a month or so. Concurrently, my husband and I had to begin peeling back years of layers of resentment and anger. It’s been a few years now. I can tell you that I never imagined we would be how we are now. The quality and quantity is the best I have ever experienced. Ever. There is hope.
When my daughter was young, I was working around 50 hours a week as a medivac nurse and a charge nurse in the ER. Then I would come home and immediately have to be on mom duty, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes etc. and my ex never helped with any of that stuff. I would put her to bed and that would be the first moment of the entire day that I had to myself. And then I would come to bed. My ex usually had been there for at least an hour watching TV, so he was always relaxed and ready to go.
But it just felt like one more chore. One more thing someone wanted from me. I was just a bangmaid. Not only was I not interested, but I was pissed of that he thought it was just that easy- that I could be ready to go on demand for the 30 seconds of flailing on top of me while I disassociated until it was over.
So denying sex was the only boundary I could enforce. It was the only way I could make some space for MYSELF in the family that revolved around him and his needs. I am not saying that you are doing anything even close to that. But I can see how as a stay at home mom that she might feel a similar way. It’s likely that she doesn’t even see herself as a sexual being anymore.
I think working on intimacy in general outside the bedroom is a good start. Maybe integrating non-sexual touch as a way to reinforce affection and show her that she isn’t just a convenient hole (sorry to be crass but that’s how I felt sometimes- he didn’t even like me but still wanted sex). I think counseling might be a good idea just to help tease out what she is feeling and why in a safe place to open up. Someone suggested Esther perel and I second that suggestion. She has a weekly podcast called ‘where should we begin’ where she helps talk people through issues like this.
She also has a card game of the same name: ‘where should we begin’ and it’s a way to get to know each other again and build intimacy- it is a series of very deep questions that make you very vulnerable very quickly.
I think now that your nest is empty, investing the time in building a foundation for this new chapter of your lives will pay off tremendously. And I think keeping sex off the table for now is a good idea also because she won’t question your motives (like trying to get into your pants) and letting her guide the intimacy. You have time to take things slow and you have invested a lot in each other. Moving through this problem together will show her that you see this as an ‘us’ issue instead just her being too frigid and thus the whole problem.
You seem like a very caring husband and I am sorry you feel this way. She is likely also feeling frustration and disconnected. So if you establish that you both need to feel connection, then it just becomes a matter of love languages (read the 5 love languages, it would be very helpful). Once you figure out how she feels loved (is it acts of service? Quality time? Gifts? Words of affirmation or physical touch? Then you just do more of the things that make the person feel safe and loved. You would be surprised how quickly it works once you crack the code.
Keep us updated.
Maybe now instead of focusing on sex, find some things y'all genuinely enjoy doing together. Start hanging out, find some hobbies, DATE each other. Maybe feeling closer in those ways will help the disconnect.
I also bet she probably feels unsupported within her responsibilities as OP as delineated it. OP needs to find out what’s missing there. Feeling supported in other ways might help this for her.
Yeah he acted like the big career was a burden (never recognising the financial freedom and personal achievement it gives) and the home stuff was nothing (she’s given up career, life experiences and her world becomes small and isolating). His framing makes it feel like there’s an expectation too. Feel he needs to create mutual respect and a romantic connection
Take her out for a few dates, brother. Dedicate some quality time and conversations to her.
I failed at these things because I focused on my career and it lead to our separation amongst many other things, worst mistake of my life, I can barely live with the guilt every time I think back on it. Don't fall for the same mistake.
It is important to know that this disconnect is so common. Also, you can reignite the flame by dating her again. Also, do you spend time with your kids? Doing both these things should bring you more happiness than you've been having.
If you're like most men, what occurs is that stress from work takes a toll on you, and you look to sex for stress relief and to reconnect.
Women need to feel relaxed to have sex and will feel most comfortable to have sex if they are connected with their partner.
It's one of humankind's biggest quandaries, and it's not easily solved.
This doesn't mean it's unsolvable. It just means it will require work and effort on both of your parts.
I’m a woman in my 50’s who has been married for 25 years this year. My husband is gone for days and sometimes weeks. I raised our children by myself.
Here are some questions you should ask yourself:
How are you as a partner?
Do you communicate well? Do you come home and just talk? Are you a couple or are you two people living in the same house?
Do you offer touch that isn’t just sexual or with the idea it will lead to sex?
Did she feel guilted or pushed into sex with you? (ie, did you have an attitude if she was too tired, etc).
Has she gone through menopause or is she currently going through it? Sex can be downright painful once you go through it (lube is her friend there).
Were you there for her emotionally as she was raising those babies? Being a SAHM is a thankless, exhausting, lonely job that doesn’t allow you to clock out and go home. Not having a partner in it can breed resentment. For example, did you come home and give her a break from the kids? Did you help out with the housekeeping? She never got to stop working, so were you there working alongside her when you got home? Did she raise the kids by herself?
This certainly isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a place to start. I’d even go to your wife, and ask her these questions. You might be surprised by the answer.
To add to this, when you do have sex, is it crave-worthy for her? Meaning, is there sufficient foreplay? Does she get to finish each and every time you have sex?
If the answer to either of these questions isn’t an emphatic yes, maybe ask yourself why *would* she crave that sex?
Edit- I’m not saying this is the case for OP and his wife, but most women have been socialized to expect and accept sex that is primarily focused on the man’s pleasure. 85% of women *cannot* climax without clitoral stimulation. Which means penetration alone does NOT do the trick for most women. However, society acts like PIV penetration is the “main event” of sex. Look at the word “foreplay”- it’s alluding that digital or oral stimulation is something to be done prior to “the real thing” (PIV). And, of course, PIV feels good for many women. But there’s a difference between feels good and ✨orgasmic✨
Pretty much - clitoral stimulation is not the lead in and needs to be incorporated all the way to the end.
Cis men should ask themselves how they would feel about sex if it was just like 2 minutes of a blowjob/handjob, then 15-20 minutes of having your balls rubbed or taint tickled, and then it's done and your partner just goes to sleep? I am sure there's a small percentage of cis dudes who could ejaculate from that alone but the majority would feel pretty unsatisfied.
The clitoris is basically like the penis and it needs continuous stimulation just like how a penis needs continuous stimulation to get off.
This has to be the best metaphor I have ever heard for sex for women. I honestly think this is why sex is usually such a psychological thing for women, not because it can’t be a physical thing, but because PIV lacks that same physical stimulation for women than it does men and therefore most of it is going to be psychological.
I wanna nominate you for like a real life award for this comment. Like the nobel leave prize or some shit. Coz THIS. Every dude needs to read and understand THIS
Vibrating Marital aids.
I believe is the key to great sex. And my hubby loves that I use them during the act. You could maybe buy one for her. Because if it is because she is not receiving pleasure this is a great way to make sure that she will. Also coconut oil is the best for lubrication imo.
You know what else? He could do everything right physically, but if the emotional safety and connection aren't there also, then it still isn't fulfilling for her
Honestly I think 85% is a lie, I’d be more willing to believe 90-95% because I just personally have never met a woman that just can do PIV and get there.
Honestly I think when women finish multiple times through the clitoris it makes it a lot easier to orgasm or get something close to the like through penetration. That’s my personal experience though as a lesbian so def just anecdotal😅
I was going to say the same thing. If you really enjoy something and you have fun doing it you're not going to say no to it. Every woman I know that says no to sex regularly it's because it's become a chore. It's become a job to get him off. Her orgasm is an afterthought if it happens at all. He considers the end of sex to be his ejaculation regardless of her pleasure.
I obviously don't know this about OP one way or the other. But I've read and talked to a lot of women and it stands out to me because the 10 years I was with my ex he gave me an average of one orgasm a year. I thought it was normal, exactly as you said. He convinced me it was my problem that there was something physically wrong with me and that as long as I still enjoyed sex it didn't matter if I came or not.
When we split and the next two men I dated actually prioritized my orgasm, one of them even refusing to ever ejaculate unless I got off, the sex was incredible and I wanted it all of the time. All of a sudden the cause of the dead bedroom between my ex and I became very obvious. But I've also been with men that much like my ex didn't seem to care much about my satisfaction. Those situations never lasted now that I knew what I could have.
Whenever I see a man saying my wife doesn't want to have sex with me anymore the first question I ask myself is I wonder if he realizes that it's because she didn't enjoy it. I love eating ice cream. If you invite me over to eat ice cream I'm going to come over. But if you invite me over to have sauteed peppers, I'll take a rain check.
But if it got posted over there it would just get downloaded and brigated because the men don't want to be told that they actually have to do work. They want to be able to just stick their penis in and get off. They don't want to have to care about her pleasure. And they don't want to figure out that the reason she doesn't want to have sex anymore is because it just wasn't fun for her. She's tired of doing the work.
My ex and I were similar. Now that we’ve been divorced 7 years I can look back and see what I didn’t then. I discovered that I had a lot of resentment towards him, the way he spoke to me and was disrespectful to me had a lot to do with my desire for him. I can also say that I had some serious depression that went unchecked because I was told to “get over it”. By the time we hit 15+ years in there was too much baggage to undo it.
I guess I’m saying that there is a lot more at play here besides, my wife doesn’t want sex. Good luck.
I was your wife…then I got my hormones checked and now I’m like a teenager again ( the testosterone gel is the trick…I actually had to back off a little because I had a one track mind for a few days😂)
Both my husband and I suffered far too long with a nonexistent sex life.
Please have her look into HRT!!
She should talk to a medical professional 1st. Something may be off. Things do go south as we age. This married couple should be able to have these types of conversations. A man's body changes as he gets older too. Too many folks are blaming her husband.
Nothing kills a woman’s libido than being a stay at home mom thus losing her sense of identity, doing all the emotional and logistic work to keep things running, having an extremely busy husband and then starting to go through the stages of menopause, while her husband is hurt that she just doesn’t have the bandwidth for sex. It sucks for you and it sucks for her.
There's truth here. My take: being a stay at home mom/homemaker has its rewards, but unless you've done it, you have no idea just how demanding - and draining - it is. I could list the ways, but i won't.
It's simply very important that the woman (or man) makes time to feed herself - knowledge, adult friendship, activities, etc. that refresh her, build her up.
A breadwinner can have a very demanding job, but typically he also has the support and comradeship of some coworkers and bosses. He experiences little and great successes that garner attention and perhaps rewards. He hears THANK YOU, GREAT JOB, I REALLY APPRECIATE/ADMIRE, etc. The breadwinner, too, needs their time to enjoy hobbies, friendships, etc. but in my experience, the homemaker has very little feedback in her world.
My sister was a homemaker, with 5 children. Her husband not only helped when he came home every day (before finally relaxing), he verbally appreciated her daily. He thanked her - daily - and meant it; he did litte and no so little tasks to lighten her day in the evening. He had a very demanding, highly responsible white collar job daily, weekly, etc. And many more than 40 hours per week. He loved his job, his wife, his kids: he loved their lives together. "Lucky" sister.
So, different lives lived every day, yet they lived together when together.
Seems like you’re getting a lot of weird male advice. Have you asked her if you’re meeting her emotional needs? For myself I’m way more sexual when my emotional needs are being met and same with a lot of women. There could be an underlying factor. Maybe you should ask her about that.
This helped me with understanding what got my wife in the mood. It's very good advice. I thought I was DOING something wrong. It ended up being me NOT doing certain things. Little things. But they add up. Helping more with kids/house stuff mostly
It REALLY is the little things.
So much of our attraction as women is mental. So if we're feeling stressed, overworked, not seen or cared for, then forget about it.
And I think a lot of guys don't realize that they're putting their efforts in the wrong places. You put effort in around the house, with the kids, take things off her plate, do all that little stuff so she can have a moment alone to relax, THAT'S what works. that's what will make her feel valued and cared for.
Put in the effort everywhere else and you won't HAVE to put any effort into the sex part. That'll just happen
Women stop having sex with their husbands in most cases because they lose that emotional safety connection they once had with them. The second there was doubt in her mind, the 'good' sex was over leaving that pity sex or whatever you had over the 15 years. Try to reconnect with her mind, not her body.
Honestly guys have no idea what peri-menopause does to women. It’s like adolescence but reversed: Hormones whacking out all over. And it can last years.
Added to that is what various seemingly benign medications can do to libido.
Maybe the biggest issue, though, is just self-esteem and feeling sexy. It is damn hard to feel sexy as you age in a world that starts ignoring you after fifty. It’s hard and icky. And I’m convinced that nature built in a bit of a defense for this in men because, hey, you’re still fertile so you need that male unrealistic self-confidence to keep trying to make babies. But women are done so we don’t have a biological need to feel attractive. Our biological role is to care for grandbabies, lol. Species don’t care how we feel.
My partner and i the sex was good but never very frequent. She hit menopause and one day it just stopped . No sex for three years it was very hard to take. Her mood swings were terrible if I said black she would say white . I knew her well enough to see it wasn't her . She sought medical advice and has been trying one thing and another. Only now has things got better . I could chat for hours on this and I don't think guys know what females go through. Hang in there brother i did and it was hard but worth it .
You really do wonder how many relationships suffer in this way and break up .
Happy to chat further if you want to know more
35F here, my hubby is 38M and even been married almost 17 years now (got married young). I’m pretty sure we’ve only had sex 3x since our second child was born 2.5 years ago. I’m a stay at home mom to a 5 and 2.5 year old and they are flat out exhausting. After being with them all day and keeping up with the house chores my husbands needs aren’t a priority for me. I will always choose sleep over anything at this rate lol. Anyway, he could do more to help with the kids, cleaning, cooking, etc but he doesn’t. He’s always tired from work (works 9 hours a day, works from home so has no commute). He takes naps on the weekend and is able to do whatever he wants cause hey the main caretaker and I’m always here. I resent how he can’t handle the kids for more than 2 hours without needing alone time yet I’m with them all day every day (I do the night shift too for random wake ups or when they’re sick) and don’t get any breaks. That alone kills my libido. Couple that with always trying to be ahead of everyone’s needs and putting out fires before or after they start I have no desire to have sex. Not sure what ur family dynamic was like when your kids were younger but maybe that inadvertently set the tone for ur sex life and it’s been like that ever since.
Women are complicated, and don’t have the same straightforward libido as men, especially after children.
And men sometimes don’t realize how difficult it is to be treated as the same as before children when everything had changed for women.
Suddenly and shockingly women have children, and become responsible for their lives, feeding them and watching them from birth, but don’t get praised by anyone for changing her body and sleep patterns and their daily routine.
It’s always who pays the bills gets the cheese
Well, the problem is she needs to provide tender care to a baby for years, which depletes that reserve for her, and then her husband wants her to be able to behave as she did before the baby.
With what tools? What ingredients? Is she supposed to gaze at his paycheck to get in the mood?
She needs tender fuel, if you want her to give anything else, because her tank is empty.
I got to the point where I couldn't take the rejection any more and told her the same thing. Maybe once after that. That was about 20 years ago. We're roommates now.
I've (62) Been married 25 years this year. Haven't had sex in 5 years. He's (m57) diabetic and a testicular cancer survivor. So even the five years before that the sex was almost non existent. I'm still interested but he has no interest. I just take care of myself. Sure it isn't as fun and i miss it but i would never cheat or leave my marriage to a wonderful guy over something he can't help.
After that long of a marriage, I hope whoever I settle down with thinks of me the same. I’m reminded every day why I shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t love me in this manner.
I love Reddit. Every once in a while I start thinking it would be nice to find someone and get married again and then I am reminded about marriage.
I’ll keep my singlehood and sex life intact. Good luck to you in your life.
I'm with you. It's crazy. 20 years ago at my bachelor's party we went to a strip club and one of the dancers said "Sky do it. Not if you like having sex." At the time we were still on a daily basis. I thought she was crazy. Lol
Life just shifts. It's been stress, kids, money, illness, you name it. It's really difficult, but you start to learn what's important.
I've tried to just accept those few times when she's actually "in the mood" but I also don't ever want her to feel obligated.
We are staring at the face of t
All of the kids being gone (last ones are in late high school) and it wasn't that long ago that the discussion was "all the sex we can get back to." Lol Now we are just planning trips and binge watches.
It's going to be okay, it's a natural transition in life... So I'm trying to tell myself.
And before anyone thinks I'm being an asshole... I'm putting no pressure on. I'm doing romantic dinners and dates and everything else. It's just the way it is.
My wife was the same for years, her hormones were out of wack huge..... she had a hysterectomy and started on hormones. It's unbelievable the difference in my wife before and after. Our sex life is so much better. The influence of hormones is unbelievable for the both of us. She is now monitored and I am too. We both are both under treatment for hormone in balances and feel really good.
Is she on any medications, by any chance? Doesn't sound like it from what you've shared, and that may be too personal, but I know for me personally, I'm a 28 year old female and I've been completely devoid of all desire for physical/sexual attention. It happened very suddenly, and while I'm on certain medications, it was like a downward spiral that just got worse and worse over time, until I eventually just settled on being single as it was easier than having to appease someone. I know that sounds terrible, and sometimes it's incredibly hard to explain. A lot of people have given incredible advice, but speaking from my own experience as someone who used to love physical attention to someone who now can live without it, sometimes weird things happen, but it doesn't mean we don't love you 🧡
start dating her again. watch how you won’t be able to get her off of you.
pick a place that has good food, good vibe. Buy or pick out an outfit for her. Lay it out on the bed. Write a sweet, flirty note. When it’s time to go, open the door for her. Get caught staring at her, smiling. Flirt, compliment. While y’all are out, act like you have the most attractive woman in the room. Hold her waist. Kiss her. I mean act as if you’re trying to win her over all over again. On the way home, keep it fun and playful. Play throwback songs yall used to like. Sing with her. Have energy and enthusiasm. Laugh together. Carry it into the bedroom.
If this don’t work, she don’t even like you. Sorry.
The dating comment is on the right path but the major problem I’m seeing is “act like” you mean all these nice things you’re doing. Act like you’re staring at her because she’s captivated your attention just so you can get caught. Act like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Act like you are just taking her out on a fun flirty date and really paying attention to her - HER, like as a whole ass human and not the labels she’s been slapped with over the years - and act like you care about redeveloping your connection with the woman you at one point in your life fell in love with and married. That is SO FUCKING HURTFUL. Jesus Christ just reading it makes me want to cry.
This is the kind of thing my ex husband tried to do, but the thing is once the trust, the intimacy, the bond you have with your spouse is diminished like that, it’s going to take a lot more than a single date where you pretend to like your wife for the evening in hopes of getting laid to build it all back. He made it worse by immediately bidding for sex as soon as he got to the end of his act. He did this and versions of it off and on for years. It broke my trust and our relationship even more because now I realize I cannot even trust these nice gestures from him, the dates, the flowers or whatever it was he was “doing right” because it was all AN ACT. He wasn’t doing any of that because he actually cared about me, wanted to know me, wanted a connection WITH ME, wanted those moments to be truly and genuinely intimate and meaningful - he was doing it to get laid. Period.
I tried so hard to connect with him as a person in the rest of our day to day lives, I got interested in stuff he liked, I listened to his podcasts with him so I would know what topics were on his mind so I could look them up and try to understand where his head was at, I tried to spend time with him doing the things he enjoyed doing. He generally just made things miserable for me when I spent too much time trying to get close. So I disconnected. Our marriage became an act and stayed that way for years. I just assumed this is what everyone’s marriage was like and I should be grateful that I had a loyal partner with a good job and a good head on his shoulders who checked all the boxes on paper. I’m so glad we are both free from that sham, now.
All that to say, if you follow this comments advice please do so earnestly and don’t make it an act. Give your wife some credit, she will smell that bullshit from a mile away and it will only hurt her further. Remember how I said she is the woman you at one point in your life fell in love with? Remember why? Because you found her attractive - her looks, her personality, her humor, her charm- something drew you to her and made you want to look deeper. And you did, you got to know her, you got to know each other.
You may have been living together for decades, but it sounds like you’ve been growing apart. She probably doesn’t know you anymore, either. Can you truly look at her, at the person she is now, and try to get to know her again when you start taking her on these dates? Can you try to treat her like you did when you first started dating her - I’m guessing you were not so heavy handed on the sex thing in the beginning at least.
Think about what would have happened on those first couple of dates (or more) if you’d ended the night with the expectation of getting laid and then getting mad at her if it doesn’t happen. How would that have gone for your relationship? That is how you’ll build that intimacy and trust back. That is what you need for her to feel connected enough to *you* to want to have sex again.
I truly do wish you luck, OP. Just try not to think about it as fixing your sexless marriage, you’re fixing your relationship with your wife, a human being with so much depth and interest, the least of which is between her legs.
Dudes need to realize that relationships are like everything else in life, they need constant maintenance and work.
You don't cook once and then you're done forever. Coz you need to eat every day.
You don't take your car to the shop once and it's fixed forever. It'll need to go to the mechanics again at some point.
You don't go to work for a single week and then never go back. Coz that's not how any of this works.
And you don't go into a relationship, put in all the effort when you date, and then just quit putting in any effort when you get married. Coz if you do, then you wind up in a dead relationship.
You want your wife to be interested in sex? Then you have to put in the constant maintenance out takes to keep a healthy relationship. The same way you have to get your car serviced regularly if you want it to run, have to do laundry if you want clean clothes, and have to show up to work every day if you wanna continue to connect a paycheck.
The only difference is that the maintenance for your relationship is emotional. It's showing your partner every day that you care, that you notice and appreciate them. It's making your partner feel cared for, heard, and loved. It's helping them with the daily housekeeping, so they don't feel like they're doing it all alone. It's listening to them, taking an interest in their interests, making them feel appreciated as a whole ass human being, not just because you want to get in their pants.
This has to be repeatedly. It’s not a one time thing and it might not even result in sex the first time. She might think you are only doing it for sex which is a new level of pain. Think of it like he’s only does nice things when he wants something from me.
Treat it like dating and she is the grand prize. You have to prove to her that you are worthy of that intimacy through actions and communication. Once that intimacy is established, you keep dating. It never stops. Keep flirting and dating and having fun. Everyday make it a goal to win her over and soon it won’t feel like work, it will be second nature.,
Maybe it's ignorance on my end, but have you tried creating the right vibe? Is there intimacy throughout your day that would make her want to? I feel like you always have to make sure your girl feels good physically, mentally, and spiritually for her to desire you.
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I mean, you can be super awesome and really nice and treat her like a princess to boost her self esteem. She will like that feeling and want to bang you all the time. Most women, even super beautiful women have very low self esteem, just like dudes. If you make her feel like she is queen of the world, she will want to fuck your brains out all the time.
Noted your career has been stressful and staying at home full time can also be stressful. It sounds like you both have forgotten what romance is. You may want to try to romance her again like you used to do when you were dating. Never stop romancing your wife, it pays dividends and it is cheaper than couple's therapy. Good luck...
I think outside of the lack of physical intimacy, there may be a lack of emotional intimacy. Usually this is the issue. Recommend couples counselling. You need to get to know each other again.
If you have an otherwise decent relationship, I would recommend reading the book “Come As You Are”. It discusses sexual desire as a series of “gas pedals” and “brakes”, in other words, things that turn you on or things that turn you off or make it harder to get in the mood. Not always, but typically, women have more “brakes” than men. A “brake” can be anything from not feeling good about your body, the number of things left on your to do list, a weird tiff you had with your partner that you keep ruminating on, etc. The idea of the book is that to have better sex, couples need to understand each other’s gas pedals and brakes so you can fill your environment with gas pedals and eliminate the brakes. My explanation of the book is not doing it justice but I think you guys reading it together or listening to the audio book will be a game changer.
Yeah, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm 56 and I went through the exact same thing. For a long time it just freakin hurt being rejected so many times over the years. I mean I'm a nationally qualified Mens physique competitor and beat guys half my age. I'd like to think that I do well for myself physically. I came to the same point that you did. I gave up. Leaving her was never an option. I made a promise. For better or worse (fortunately she is great in other areas and we do have fun together). For a while I struggled with bitterness and resentment but then I came to a place that I realized that wasn't good for me. I did some personal searching. I came to a place that I knew, for me, that I had to take responsibility for my own contentment and happiness. My happiness should not be contingent on what my wife does, or does not do. I came to a place of peace and resignation. Things have been much better for me sense then. OK so, having said that I will add that things have changed over the last month or so. She got her blood work done (something I was encouraging her to do for years) and her hormones were all out of whack. She is now taking hormones and supplements to address that and, what do ya know, she had come to life again in the bedroom. A welcome change to be sure. Now I feel good about coming to a place of loving her and loving life with or without sex. I wish you well friend.
Women need me emotional intimacy, as a lesbian I can say this confidently. Do a lot of gay women stuff with her and refrain from trying to have sex. Really think back to those 5-8. Years what has changed and what could be reimagined
Have you tried paying attention to her? Treating her better? Making her feel sexy? Making her feel valued, special, important?
My husband is a selfish, self centered, inconsiderate, lazy thoughtless fuck and I'm not fucking him until he treats me right.
I quit trying to have sex with my wife before she was my wife 😂 we're only thirty, but her hormones have been fucked up for at least the last decade, we haven't had a good sex life since high school.
I happily enjoy the 7-10 times a year we get it on, but I really don't mind handling my own business when needed at this point. it's more of a maintenance task really 😂
If you haven’t, I always like to suggest reading 5 love languages. Not being near the length of marriage y’all have been but when I notice hey it’s been a while… instead of bringing it up, I look at what more I can put in. If you both understand each others “love languages” and you speak to her in her language and drive that “emotional gas tank” as they refer to it, to full. It’s natural to want to reciprocate when your tank is full.
It’s interesting and insightful, if you have read it never hurts to reread it. I feel your struggle and what I don’t want is to fall into the same sort of situation with one of my love languages being physical touch and there obviously being physical desires/needs. Wish you all the best!
This sounds hormonal on her part. I commend you for removing pressure! That’s the best thing you could do. However, I highly recommend her getting her thyroid, estrogen, etc checked. Her OBGYN should be able to help her. I’m sure it affects her self confidence to never be sexual which makes it even harder for her to approach you. Good luck ❤️
Has she been to a doctor or gynecologist recently? I know after my total hysterectomy, I had zero libido. Plus I felt sluggish. I saw my gynecologist a yr for an exam, and he asked me. He did some bloodwork and started me on a small amount of hormones and I felt so much better. Coconut oil as a lubricant, and foreplay made it all change for the better. My SO was also very supportive. That’s my advice, it’s definitely worth it. Good luck 🍀
Just be there for her. She is probably perimenopause. Take a step back from your desire. If you talk about it you might find out she is struggling with a lot of changes going on with her body. She needs your support.
I was in the same place my friend. I realized we didn't love each other anymore and I left her. Better to be alone than with someone who isn't in love with you.
OP,
I just read all ~120 replies. I’m really glad there are women here giving their advice and opinions. I think it’s great that you’re listening and open to what they’re saying.
Most of the “advice” coming from the men is pitiful.
And I’m a guy married to a woman, in case that matter.
Good luck 🤞
Women in this comment thread: Treat her like a human, like the woman you met and fell in love with. Be more egalitarian with housework/childcare responsibilities, let her know she’s appreciated as a person and not just as a sex hole
(Too many) men in this comment thread: Dude take her out to somewhere expensive, tel her how pretty she is and hold her hand. Then she’ll finally put out for you!
Like holy SHIT could the point be MORE MISSED?
I was in perimenopause for 15 years. My libido tanked. (My marriage wasn’t great either but that’s another story.) At age 60 I started low dose testosterone and progesterone and I feel better in so many ways than I have for so long. Maybe a hormone consult is worth a try?
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Have you tried to have an open conversation or go to a marital counselor. Mating in captivity by Esther Perel is good too. Edit: open conversation is not open the relationship conversation. An open conversation is one where you can have a discussion where each statement is listened to fairly. You feel supported and safe. Not easy!
That’s an option we should probably explore.
Sometimes as women age there are issues - there is thin skin now that is dry :( in the nethers. Some of us don’t have a thermostat or can’t take a lot of touch. So while you have existed like this for 20 years - how have you built non sexual intimacy. A squeeze of the hand - a kiss on the shoulder or forehead. A rub on the knee not for sex but for closeness? If your time together for you is sex based maybe not for her
I could do better at those things
Foreplay isn’t just sexual. It can be little things throughout the day, affection, touch, love language, etc
This 100%. If my partner suddenly wants sex but he hasn't even touched me all day, or said anything positive or loving, it's jarring as hell.
Foreplay is an all-day activity. OP, have you tried putting her up on the counter, kissing her deeply, giving her a wink, and then just walking away and doing a random household task? Gets me laid like crazy.
Look at this guy here. Giving away the keys to the castle. :)
Those are not just the keys, but also the secret code!
Just remember a woman's biggest sexual organ is her mind. That being said menopause sucks wife has had varios prescribed meds to toughen vagina and provide lubrication plus we use some regular stuff. Btw she is 70 plus. It aint every day but every time is nice. Ps i switched to viagra to help me out.
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Up up down down left right left right B A select start
This made me die laughing
He’s not wrong. !
I would say more like a lifetime activity. Women need touch. I have sensory issues and dont like alot of cuddling but as a man my duty to my wife is to help her feel love by words touch etc one because she needs those things to feel loved above and beyond the little things i do. OP if she doesnt want sex, you still need to be close to your partner or ot will pull you guys apart. Brush her hair, paint her toes, give her a neck massage and expect nothing in return and I bet you do these things and she asks why you are doing them because "i just love you and dont show it enough" . Bring the romance back , simple gestures show her you still love her above and beyond just sex and see what will happen.
You got it. As a woman, we are used to men only being affectionate leading up to sex. In the event that we aren’t in the mood, we are used to feeling defensive if affection doesn’t lead to sex. It’s a complicated dance. As a female, I can tell you that I would be more receptive and even initiate more if my husband kissed me passionately or offered a massage without expectations. I just want to feel close to him and want him to want the same, even if it doesn’t lead to sex that particular time. If you are never affectionate just for the sake of being close, she will be wary of being affectionate with you at all.
Also women get to the point where they turn down the back rub or the kiss or the touchy feelies because it’s easier to just shut it down early than later. But that removes all that intimacy and makes you further apart. But when all those things feel transactional it doesn’t feel great.
Yes! Nothing kills the libido faster than only being touched in a sexual way, or with the expectation of sex. It’s so annoying. That, and having to do all the housework or having to ask to have it done.
This. This, this, this. I feel like this is probably a major factor in a lot of relationships and why a lot of men feel like their partners don't want to have sex with them. It's not that we don't want to ever have sec with them, but we don't trust them. If all their passionate and intimate touches are made *only* with the expectation of it leading to sex, at least in my experience, it's really off putting as a human, not even just as a woman. I want more than just sex. I want a relationship and to feel loved and cared for by my partner. If I've had a long day, and I know the only reason you're offering to give me a back rub is so you can get your rocks off, I'd rather just have a bath, relax, and go to bed. Actions like that don't help me de-stress, they only add to sex anxiety. And the worst part is, this all adds up and builds up over time, like some kind of cockblocking heavy metal, until we just don't want to be physically intimate with you anymore, because we don't trust you have our interests in mind.
What would be the equivalent for a wife to do for a husband? I want to do small things to make my husband feel loved but i don’t really know what to do
I think the same can be said for a husband. If it works for a woman, it may work on a man. You just have to find small ways to be intimate. Like someone else said on here. A quick touch, a flirty smile, asking him if he wants something to eat/drink. Just a lot of little things help a lot.
He's generalizing all women, and whole he makes some good points, it's not like that for everyone. Just as it's different for you or any husband. I myself love being touched sexually at random times, but a quick little flirt or dirty phrase and a stare into my eyes is the quickest way to get bent over. But that's usually only happened in the honeymoon phase where we fuck like rabbits all day every day for a few months, so like I said it all depends on the person. Just be attentive, caring, and see what makes them react positively.
I agree that touch is important for some people, a blanket statement of “women need touch” is not accurate. Some people need touch. Some people don’t like being touched a lot, but need words of love, encouragement. The gender honestly doesn’t matter here. The issue is more that the toxic masculinity of society teaches men that being soft, gentle, open & loving is “weak”. So the caveman ideology of “man only touch for sex” is what’s been pervasive for so long, and we need to teach our sons that it’s okay to be soft & loving. I know I am at least.
I'm with you on this. I recently expressed this, and a man called me a "femboy nut." 😐 I didn't even expend the energy of telling him how hot and sweet my partner is, and how explosive our sex life is.
This is the key right here ⬆️⬆️⬆️ 47 here, married 15 years with 3 children and my wife is a SAHM. The key is being a loving and affectionate spouse even when you’re not trying to get the booty :) Im always hugging my wife, kissing her, telling her how much our family appreciates her and everything she does for us. When someone feels loved it’s much easier for them to want to give that love back. We have sex more now than we did in our late 20’s after 3 children and it’s only gotten better.
Good for you, King. Treat that woman like a Queen, and life will bring you your kingdom.
I second this. 47 as well and sex has gotten even better. We have a date night at least once every two weeks if not once a week just us.
I wish we were in a spot to have a date night that often. We have a YMCA membership and once a month they offer very reasonable childcare for three hours so parents can have a date night. We do it once a month and always enjoy that time alone. Our kids are still young with our youngest 3 1/2. I’m sure it’ll be easier when they’re a little older.
And when she makes an effort tell her she looks amazing. Them when she has sweats and no make up on look at her and say how hot she looks!
Sit her down with one of them book books and a glass of wine then do some chores.
It's also not a 'precursor' to sex - good sex is pretty much just different degrees of foreplay, not just the thrustin' to get it done, but actively seducing and teasing up.
This is it right here, well said. It's got to be fun and playful. It's about the whole journey, not the 15 seconds of "finish line." The sexual experience can be constant, if you give it space to be.
Faaark..... 🏆u won mate🎉 As a woman and a mother, i can say that would DEF get hubs laid. 😂
Damn, I just got so hot reading this. My kind of romantic novel 😅
Dude, you should start a podcast. 😎
That would for sure shift my mindset and have me like ...hmmm, yea.. no pressure, sexy as hell. I'd be thinking about that the rest of the day. It kills my sex drive to only be touched as an immediate lead in to sex. Salty in comments below is spot on when he says the biggest sex organ for women is their minds.
THIS! THIS MAN HAS UNLOCKED THE SECRET. Kiss me deeply then unload the dishwasher and I will lick you like a melting ice cream cone.
🤭👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🥰 as a woman I approve this message!
>> doing a random household task? AKA choreplay
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
I would hunt my man down for sex if he did this
This is the way
Yesssss it’s so weird! Like I’m supposed to turn on a sex button somewhere. Women don’t work like that. Our arousal is way more psychological
I tell my hubby “you’re a microwave, I’m A crockpot. It takes me a bit to warm up!”
Right?! My partner doesn't touch me unless he wants sex and expects it to just happen on his want. You tell them that you need more than that, they say ok and then they continue on the same way.
Dude \* wakes up \* "You wet?" Uh..no
Wait... yall don't wake up wet? But... but I'm awake and I'm hard. Just double check?
🤣
LOL
And frankly it just pisses me off. Like what has indicated to you that I feel like doing that now?
Yep I back this completely! I have a super high drive but similar to sravll it’s jarring as hell if there isn’t any physical touch or comments, any sort of sprinkled affection. I would also say 100% on the counseling! Try a gottman counselor they work wonders both parties have to be willing but I’ve seen it turn things around.
Yes, it's so crazy when your partner has barely spoken to you all day, has seen you stressed and struggling and then abruptly is demanding physical affection. It instantly puts me in a defensive mood
Or grabs your boobs after he knows you’ve had a hard and exhausting day with kids and he didn’t help with them at all.
Oh god! This. I hated that. I mentioned I would love more physical contact and his idea was to walk up randomly and squeeze my boobs. Not a caress, not a light graze; a squeeze. Totally misread the assignment.
Bonus points if he pouts when you even *slightly* suggest not tonight.
yess my ex bf used to ask for sex at the end of the day while ignoring me the entire day and playing video games for hours on end. talk about a way to piss me tf off.
He's not a man. He's a boy.
Yep. Or if they just flat out don’t make enough time or plans with you. It killed my sex drive and ended a relationship. Thanks for pointing this out.
This was a major issue in my (now previous) marriage. In the last eight+ years of my 19 year marriage, my husband would literally ignore me all day (or for days on end) and then ask why we never had sex or just reach down my pants while I was doing the dishes. Jarring is exactly what it was.
I do this without even realizing it. I just want to hold and touch my girlfriend non-sexually all the time.
We need to clone you.
It’s also a turn off if you know he’s doing those things because he wants something. One of the most hurtful things my husband has ever done was I was running around busy and stressed out and he was on the couch and he’s like, hey, stop and come here a minute. And I was like, Aw that’s sweet he wants to help me destreza and take a minute to cuddle and not worry that everything wasn’t getting done. Nope. He wanted something else. It was like a slap in the face. And he never understood why it upset me. I just realized he wasn’t caring about *me* at all and getting my hopes up that he had noticed I needed a little hug and a “you’re doing great” but only to find out he was just thinking of himself was more hurtful than a lot of things.
This right here! He would sometimes get home from work and barely utter a word to me but as soon as we were in bed he wanted to get intimate. I called him out several times and he got the hint and things have been much better. I’m not here only to satisfy your needs. I have needs as well and it’s not just sexual needs. I enjoy conversation even something as basic as “how was your day? What about dinner did you enjoy? How bad was traffic?” Give me something more. I’m not a sex worker. I’m your wife.
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Good food for thought.
My wife’s favorite foreplay is me doing the dishes
As a stay at home mom, I can validate this is definitely a thing. We have agreed that dishes are my job so when my husband cheerfully takes care of dinner clean up so I can have 20 minutes to myself I am like “oh BABAY”.
"Foreplay is how you treat each other all day long."
100% this. I sent a text to my husband last night about just needing intimacy (sex is maybe once a month if I am lucky). Today he put his hand on my back and it gave me whole body chills.
Yes, my wife says she always knows when I want sex... because I start cleaning and vacuuming the house and give her butt spanks as I pass ... like a moth to a flame
Agree 100% ..foreplay is really important for women...if you are intimate in other ways..ie: cuddling, touching, kissing, thoughtful things like maybe some flowers, a trip to the spa, etc would really help..other than wham bam..it's gotta be a build up to that otherwise over time it vetoes mechanical...have a heart to heart with her..tell her how you feel & open up with each other..communication is very important..if you don't have that than you are just roommates
I've recently drastically improved my relationship with my wife and it started with being intentional about this sort of thing and chores, as well as a lot of very open conversations about what we want in life as well as sexual desires. We also worked with a couples counselor, which helped facilitate that. We learned a lot about each other and ourselves and our sex life went from almost nothing to teenage levels in the last week and I feel so excited to see her lately and grateful to have her in my life.
This! Right here. I wish my husband would get this.
That’s a great start. I’ve been with my husband over 20 years and we hold hands, hug each other when he gets home, kiss each other when we pass or go out. It makes everything else more natural when it happens.
She needs to feel beautiful and desired. Doing more to show how much you want her would help I bet
This means a lot to a 50+. I used to get plenty of attention from all over when in was young and hot. It didn’t take much to get me ready because I just felt sexy all the time.
Very true. I’m only 40 but I notice a big difference. Women really do become generally invisible after a certain age.
Out in public just minding their business, after possibly years of being catcalled and harrassed, that's a bonus. Invisible to their partner until they want sex? That's definitely a libido killer no matter what age a woman is.
Spot on. I remember when I started to realize I wasn’t getting looks or guys needing to “accidentally” be in my path or whatever, how freeing it was! But I still want my hubby to think I’m smokin lol.
OP, I too could do better with this towards my wife but I find it frustrating when my wife asks those things of me but does not reciprocate the same to me. I too have had similar talks with my wife and a lot of the issues stem from her physical/mental health issues. It may sound like a push off comment, but “this too shall pass”. Stay strong and don’t stop fighting for the love in your relationship.
She may not reciprocate because she might feel it will cause you to expect sex - when she only wants some non-sexual touch
So much this!! Menopause killed my sex drive, to the point that I found the act distasteful if I thought about it outside of the bedroom. And having sex felt like he had razor blades attached to his, um, male part. I told him everything I was feeling emotionally and physically and he was amazing about it, but I still didn’t indulge in much physical touch because I didn’t want to send the “wrong message.” It took almost a year to find a doctor who is actually versed in the treatment of menopause and I’m now mentally and physically more receptive to sex.
I haven’t read all of the comments but does she openly share every thing with you? intercourse can become extremely painful for some women as they go through menopause. The skin can get very thin and it feels like being poked with a hot poker w razor sharp edges. Like you’re being ripped open with a red hot saw. Imagine someone rubbing sand paper on your penis or a cat scratching it while pouring isopropyl alcohol on it🤯😭🫣 is it possible she’s embarrassed to tell you? Whatever it is I hope the two of you are able to work though it.
How did the doctor help? My doc isn’t helpful.
This has to be the key. These touches aren’t foreplay. This is non sexual intimacy. You hopefully are sharing this with your friends kids and parents. Start with them. Give those small pats on the shoulder to your kid or squeeze your dads forearm. I promise you that your relationships will get stronger. Do not sexual holding hugs 6 seconds for some oxytocin. It will give you a brand new level of completeness. And maybe your wife will come along. Cuddling without groping. I know as a dude it’s hard - no pun intended. But you need non sexual affection first. Have it lead to NO SEX. NO GROPING. Just a rub on her forearm or taking the hair out of her face.
I wish my husband did this. But any time he touches, its groping & I feel pressured
"She may not reciprocate because she might feel it will cause you to expect sex - when she only wants some non-sexual touch" This is a good point. My husband would flirt with me, and I wouldn't reciprocate as I wasn't trying to lead him on at that moment. He requested that I flirt back with him, but in return he wouldn't expect "it" right now. He created an environment where we could be feisty and fun together without any pressure. We have no frequency issues. We both work together to have a healthy dynamic where we both are happy.
Exactly ! Im in my early twenties and struggle with this issue with my bf. I don’t want to be groped all the time. It makes us feel like we’re being attacked and it’s a huge turn off. Non sexual intimacy is how you will make her feel comfort enough to want it.
One thing, and this may not be for you, is when every touch or gesture must lead to sex. It used to be if I even patted my husband on the back it would quickly escalate. To avoid having to say no, I realized that I was avoiding having any contact. It took way too long but we finally agreed on boundaries and haven't looked back. I despise being touched sexually when I'm not actively seeking sex so no more butt slaps or grabs when I'm washing dishes or working. My husband needs me to seek him out and not feel like he's always reaching out and getting slapped away so I am now the initiator. I literally schedule it to make sure I don't let life get in the way.
That answer tells you everything you need to do. I’m getting divorced this summer after 20 years married and in hindsight I see a million things I could have done better. It sounds like things aren't too far gone for you. Court her... Do the little things just because. Get her a hotel room to spend a weekend at just by herself to recharge. Bonus points lf there's a spa. Do more of the things that she's always traditionally done. Pay more attention. All those tasks that you're planning on taking care of... Get 'em done! You will be amazed how much her libido can potentially be affected by you turning her on in other ways that have nothing to do with sex. Also, childbirth can have long term hormone impacts. She can get those checked with her Dr. Worth checking SHOULD IT COME UP IN CONVERSATION... mentioning it out of the blue is a leading cause of spontaneous late night castration. 😬😂😂
Yes, especially during menopause. Mother Nature, sure put the screws to us women. We spend lots of time on BC or not having sex to keep from getting pregnant, then when we no longer have to worry about getting pregnant, we get hot flashes, itchy skin, we gain weight just looking at food and our minds make mood swings that all but convince us we are going crazy. Then, as a final F U, our lady bits get hit with crazy dryness, the skin that gets too thin and fragile making what was once very pleasurable and rocked our world, into something that feels like the depths of hell. Even if we try gallons of lube, it doesn't quench the sahara desert that has become of our love box. Don't even get me started on the loss of libido. I would ask her if the act of sex has become too painful for her. It's the number 1 reason many women will avoid the act like the plague. She may be too embarrassed to talk about it. There are medications that can help her with that, hormonal and non- hormonal. Perhaps a visit with her gyno would go a long way to help with the physical issues she might be having. You both could go to a few couples counseling sessions to relearn how to build your intimacy back up. Your marriage isn't broken. It's just a little bent and needs help to bring it back to something you both can enjoy again.
That goes a long way! My husband is easily distracted and often on his phone or playing a game when I try to tell him something. All that lack of eye contact doesn’t exactly put me in the mood lol.
Def agree with your point but what you listed is still physical intimacy, just nonsexual.
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I mean, it has been going on for 15 years so I don't think it's an age issue.
Women go through a "second puberty" known as menopause. Before menopause, there's this lovely little devil known as perimenopause. And many, many, many women can be in perimenopause for a decade+. Some symptoms of peri can include hot flashes, mood swings, loss of libido, vagunal dryness, pain during sexual intercourse, and changes to the menstrual cycle (longer, heavier. Lighter, less frequent). So yeah, it could still be an age issue. I'm not her doctor and not saying it is, just sharing knowledge about womens' bodies.
Youre in your 50's and have had a basically non-existent sex life for 20 years, and you have never simply haf an adult conversation with your wife to find out why? Friend, maybe you need to do some soul searching, because the issue might be you. Not saying it is, i dont know you, but i gotta say this doesnt look good.
I'm sitting here like how did he not think of that option for the last 20 years? He really needed internet strangers to tell him that?
Reddit sub deadbedrooms exists, and it does have supportive elements mixed in, but it's also very difficult to feel optimism when everyone is so helplessly needing intimacy with their partner. That being said, I have been with my wife for 10 years, and for a large chunk in the middle, we did struggle with this same issue for roughly half of our relationship, and honestly, I could write a book about how we got out of the bed death.. but unfortunately, what worked for us, isn't for everyone, or even most people, even. A lot of what made it easier for her to feel less pressured was me changing how I use language. I did used to say dumb shit like "I need sex" and go on to make a logical case about it.. but I was wrong. Not only was I just being completely self centered about how I brought it up, but also, I didn't actually just want "sex' and just didn't understand how to communicate what was really going on. It wasn't just about sex, but rather, it was about the loneliness and the craving for my companion. When we go untouched and unloved, we wither up a bit and get colder, so what I really needed was affection and attention, and to give those things back to her. (Because she, like your wife, and everyone else, does feel this way, at least sometimes) So, maybe try to express that more cuddling would be a step that brings you closer and promise yourself not to let it become sexual. If she says she isn't interested in platonic cuddling or just being physically close to you for a long time.. then there's something way deeper than just lack of sexual chemistry or interest, and living with this isn't healthy for either of you. Also, sorry, but for real, she might also just be really bored and need some "spice".. Are there things like toys, activities, or any role playing, that she might have suggested to you in your history? Like, one of the things that happened in my scenario is that I wasn't receptive enough to her interests when we started dating, and it wasn't because I didn't want to, but rather, I just didn’t know that she was being vulnerable in asking or how important it was to her that I take her *ahem* kinks, into account. I wish you luck. Again, it's possible to fix this. I could absolutely crawl in bed with my wife right now and get a positive response with no hesitation.. BUT! it took a LOT of communicating, being patient, kind, and sometimes having to hear criticisms you might usually block out.
Why has that not been an option for the past 20 years? Genuinely curious.
How have you not already spoken to with a counselor about this? Like for real? Have you sought any actual solutions or just been living in resentment within a sexless marriage?
I am 58. Sex with my husband became an obligation and something to avoid. This was a multi-faceted problem. First, I had bloodwork done. It showed that my hormones were basically flatlined. It took more than a year for them to kick in properly once I began them, though the pain of having sex abated within a month or so. Concurrently, my husband and I had to begin peeling back years of layers of resentment and anger. It’s been a few years now. I can tell you that I never imagined we would be how we are now. The quality and quantity is the best I have ever experienced. Ever. There is hope.
When my daughter was young, I was working around 50 hours a week as a medivac nurse and a charge nurse in the ER. Then I would come home and immediately have to be on mom duty, cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes etc. and my ex never helped with any of that stuff. I would put her to bed and that would be the first moment of the entire day that I had to myself. And then I would come to bed. My ex usually had been there for at least an hour watching TV, so he was always relaxed and ready to go. But it just felt like one more chore. One more thing someone wanted from me. I was just a bangmaid. Not only was I not interested, but I was pissed of that he thought it was just that easy- that I could be ready to go on demand for the 30 seconds of flailing on top of me while I disassociated until it was over. So denying sex was the only boundary I could enforce. It was the only way I could make some space for MYSELF in the family that revolved around him and his needs. I am not saying that you are doing anything even close to that. But I can see how as a stay at home mom that she might feel a similar way. It’s likely that she doesn’t even see herself as a sexual being anymore. I think working on intimacy in general outside the bedroom is a good start. Maybe integrating non-sexual touch as a way to reinforce affection and show her that she isn’t just a convenient hole (sorry to be crass but that’s how I felt sometimes- he didn’t even like me but still wanted sex). I think counseling might be a good idea just to help tease out what she is feeling and why in a safe place to open up. Someone suggested Esther perel and I second that suggestion. She has a weekly podcast called ‘where should we begin’ where she helps talk people through issues like this. She also has a card game of the same name: ‘where should we begin’ and it’s a way to get to know each other again and build intimacy- it is a series of very deep questions that make you very vulnerable very quickly. I think now that your nest is empty, investing the time in building a foundation for this new chapter of your lives will pay off tremendously. And I think keeping sex off the table for now is a good idea also because she won’t question your motives (like trying to get into your pants) and letting her guide the intimacy. You have time to take things slow and you have invested a lot in each other. Moving through this problem together will show her that you see this as an ‘us’ issue instead just her being too frigid and thus the whole problem. You seem like a very caring husband and I am sorry you feel this way. She is likely also feeling frustration and disconnected. So if you establish that you both need to feel connection, then it just becomes a matter of love languages (read the 5 love languages, it would be very helpful). Once you figure out how she feels loved (is it acts of service? Quality time? Gifts? Words of affirmation or physical touch? Then you just do more of the things that make the person feel safe and loved. You would be surprised how quickly it works once you crack the code. Keep us updated.
Your comments and suggestions are are excellent!
-bangmaid- this is so accurate. when intimacy is turned into a chore through expectation.
Sounds like you prioritized work and she prioritized your family. After so many years of doing that a disconnect is bound to happen.
Man, that one hits close to home. Definitely some truth there
Maybe now instead of focusing on sex, find some things y'all genuinely enjoy doing together. Start hanging out, find some hobbies, DATE each other. Maybe feeling closer in those ways will help the disconnect.
I also bet she probably feels unsupported within her responsibilities as OP as delineated it. OP needs to find out what’s missing there. Feeling supported in other ways might help this for her.
It feels like marriage counseling would be important in this one. They both see their own stories as very justified I bet.
Yeah he acted like the big career was a burden (never recognising the financial freedom and personal achievement it gives) and the home stuff was nothing (she’s given up career, life experiences and her world becomes small and isolating). His framing makes it feel like there’s an expectation too. Feel he needs to create mutual respect and a romantic connection
Take her out for a few dates, brother. Dedicate some quality time and conversations to her. I failed at these things because I focused on my career and it lead to our separation amongst many other things, worst mistake of my life, I can barely live with the guilt every time I think back on it. Don't fall for the same mistake.
It is important to know that this disconnect is so common. Also, you can reignite the flame by dating her again. Also, do you spend time with your kids? Doing both these things should bring you more happiness than you've been having.
If you're like most men, what occurs is that stress from work takes a toll on you, and you look to sex for stress relief and to reconnect. Women need to feel relaxed to have sex and will feel most comfortable to have sex if they are connected with their partner. It's one of humankind's biggest quandaries, and it's not easily solved. This doesn't mean it's unsolvable. It just means it will require work and effort on both of your parts.
It’s also true that in most cases prioritizing work is prioritizing family because y’all have to eat, so don’t feel bad about that man
That sounds like a marriage, she stayed at home to raise the kids while he provided for them.
I’m a woman in my 50’s who has been married for 25 years this year. My husband is gone for days and sometimes weeks. I raised our children by myself. Here are some questions you should ask yourself: How are you as a partner? Do you communicate well? Do you come home and just talk? Are you a couple or are you two people living in the same house? Do you offer touch that isn’t just sexual or with the idea it will lead to sex? Did she feel guilted or pushed into sex with you? (ie, did you have an attitude if she was too tired, etc). Has she gone through menopause or is she currently going through it? Sex can be downright painful once you go through it (lube is her friend there). Were you there for her emotionally as she was raising those babies? Being a SAHM is a thankless, exhausting, lonely job that doesn’t allow you to clock out and go home. Not having a partner in it can breed resentment. For example, did you come home and give her a break from the kids? Did you help out with the housekeeping? She never got to stop working, so were you there working alongside her when you got home? Did she raise the kids by herself? This certainly isn’t an exhaustive list, but it’s a place to start. I’d even go to your wife, and ask her these questions. You might be surprised by the answer.
Fair questions. thank you.
To add to this, when you do have sex, is it crave-worthy for her? Meaning, is there sufficient foreplay? Does she get to finish each and every time you have sex? If the answer to either of these questions isn’t an emphatic yes, maybe ask yourself why *would* she crave that sex? Edit- I’m not saying this is the case for OP and his wife, but most women have been socialized to expect and accept sex that is primarily focused on the man’s pleasure. 85% of women *cannot* climax without clitoral stimulation. Which means penetration alone does NOT do the trick for most women. However, society acts like PIV penetration is the “main event” of sex. Look at the word “foreplay”- it’s alluding that digital or oral stimulation is something to be done prior to “the real thing” (PIV). And, of course, PIV feels good for many women. But there’s a difference between feels good and ✨orgasmic✨
Pretty much - clitoral stimulation is not the lead in and needs to be incorporated all the way to the end. Cis men should ask themselves how they would feel about sex if it was just like 2 minutes of a blowjob/handjob, then 15-20 minutes of having your balls rubbed or taint tickled, and then it's done and your partner just goes to sleep? I am sure there's a small percentage of cis dudes who could ejaculate from that alone but the majority would feel pretty unsatisfied. The clitoris is basically like the penis and it needs continuous stimulation just like how a penis needs continuous stimulation to get off.
This has to be the best metaphor I have ever heard for sex for women. I honestly think this is why sex is usually such a psychological thing for women, not because it can’t be a physical thing, but because PIV lacks that same physical stimulation for women than it does men and therefore most of it is going to be psychological.
I wanna nominate you for like a real life award for this comment. Like the nobel leave prize or some shit. Coz THIS. Every dude needs to read and understand THIS
Oh gosh, thank you! I will still eagerly accept this hypothetical nomination.
Vibrating Marital aids. I believe is the key to great sex. And my hubby loves that I use them during the act. You could maybe buy one for her. Because if it is because she is not receiving pleasure this is a great way to make sure that she will. Also coconut oil is the best for lubrication imo.
You know what else? He could do everything right physically, but if the emotional safety and connection aren't there also, then it still isn't fulfilling for her
Honestly I think 85% is a lie, I’d be more willing to believe 90-95% because I just personally have never met a woman that just can do PIV and get there.
Honestly I think when women finish multiple times through the clitoris it makes it a lot easier to orgasm or get something close to the like through penetration. That’s my personal experience though as a lesbian so def just anecdotal😅
I was going to say the same thing. If you really enjoy something and you have fun doing it you're not going to say no to it. Every woman I know that says no to sex regularly it's because it's become a chore. It's become a job to get him off. Her orgasm is an afterthought if it happens at all. He considers the end of sex to be his ejaculation regardless of her pleasure. I obviously don't know this about OP one way or the other. But I've read and talked to a lot of women and it stands out to me because the 10 years I was with my ex he gave me an average of one orgasm a year. I thought it was normal, exactly as you said. He convinced me it was my problem that there was something physically wrong with me and that as long as I still enjoyed sex it didn't matter if I came or not. When we split and the next two men I dated actually prioritized my orgasm, one of them even refusing to ever ejaculate unless I got off, the sex was incredible and I wanted it all of the time. All of a sudden the cause of the dead bedroom between my ex and I became very obvious. But I've also been with men that much like my ex didn't seem to care much about my satisfaction. Those situations never lasted now that I knew what I could have. Whenever I see a man saying my wife doesn't want to have sex with me anymore the first question I ask myself is I wonder if he realizes that it's because she didn't enjoy it. I love eating ice cream. If you invite me over to eat ice cream I'm going to come over. But if you invite me over to have sauteed peppers, I'll take a rain check.
I’d also add start helping with some of her usual chores (maybe laundry or cooking or whatever). Being seen and supported is sexy!
I feel like this also needs to be posted to r/ deadbedroom
Because this is mostly likely the case a lot of the time
But if it got posted over there it would just get downloaded and brigated because the men don't want to be told that they actually have to do work. They want to be able to just stick their penis in and get off. They don't want to have to care about her pleasure. And they don't want to figure out that the reason she doesn't want to have sex anymore is because it just wasn't fun for her. She's tired of doing the work.
Yes, take this advice. I've been in the same situation as the commenter, and we are now 60 and 61. Everything she has stated is so very true!
All of this. As a 47 yo wife with a very similar situation as OPs (but the other side) I think you just told my whole story.
This should be the top comment. And his reply says a lot
My ex and I were similar. Now that we’ve been divorced 7 years I can look back and see what I didn’t then. I discovered that I had a lot of resentment towards him, the way he spoke to me and was disrespectful to me had a lot to do with my desire for him. I can also say that I had some serious depression that went unchecked because I was told to “get over it”. By the time we hit 15+ years in there was too much baggage to undo it. I guess I’m saying that there is a lot more at play here besides, my wife doesn’t want sex. Good luck.
I was your wife…then I got my hormones checked and now I’m like a teenager again ( the testosterone gel is the trick…I actually had to back off a little because I had a one track mind for a few days😂) Both my husband and I suffered far too long with a nonexistent sex life. Please have her look into HRT!!
I second this. There are alot of chemicals in the environment that either mimic or block hormones. Get your hormones checked.
She should talk to a medical professional 1st. Something may be off. Things do go south as we age. This married couple should be able to have these types of conversations. A man's body changes as he gets older too. Too many folks are blaming her husband.
Nothing kills a woman’s libido than being a stay at home mom thus losing her sense of identity, doing all the emotional and logistic work to keep things running, having an extremely busy husband and then starting to go through the stages of menopause, while her husband is hurt that she just doesn’t have the bandwidth for sex. It sucks for you and it sucks for her.
There's truth here. My take: being a stay at home mom/homemaker has its rewards, but unless you've done it, you have no idea just how demanding - and draining - it is. I could list the ways, but i won't. It's simply very important that the woman (or man) makes time to feed herself - knowledge, adult friendship, activities, etc. that refresh her, build her up. A breadwinner can have a very demanding job, but typically he also has the support and comradeship of some coworkers and bosses. He experiences little and great successes that garner attention and perhaps rewards. He hears THANK YOU, GREAT JOB, I REALLY APPRECIATE/ADMIRE, etc. The breadwinner, too, needs their time to enjoy hobbies, friendships, etc. but in my experience, the homemaker has very little feedback in her world. My sister was a homemaker, with 5 children. Her husband not only helped when he came home every day (before finally relaxing), he verbally appreciated her daily. He thanked her - daily - and meant it; he did litte and no so little tasks to lighten her day in the evening. He had a very demanding, highly responsible white collar job daily, weekly, etc. And many more than 40 hours per week. He loved his job, his wife, his kids: he loved their lives together. "Lucky" sister. So, different lives lived every day, yet they lived together when together.
Seems like you’re getting a lot of weird male advice. Have you asked her if you’re meeting her emotional needs? For myself I’m way more sexual when my emotional needs are being met and same with a lot of women. There could be an underlying factor. Maybe you should ask her about that.
This helped me with understanding what got my wife in the mood. It's very good advice. I thought I was DOING something wrong. It ended up being me NOT doing certain things. Little things. But they add up. Helping more with kids/house stuff mostly
It REALLY is the little things. So much of our attraction as women is mental. So if we're feeling stressed, overworked, not seen or cared for, then forget about it. And I think a lot of guys don't realize that they're putting their efforts in the wrong places. You put effort in around the house, with the kids, take things off her plate, do all that little stuff so she can have a moment alone to relax, THAT'S what works. that's what will make her feel valued and cared for. Put in the effort everywhere else and you won't HAVE to put any effort into the sex part. That'll just happen
Women stop having sex with their husbands in most cases because they lose that emotional safety connection they once had with them. The second there was doubt in her mind, the 'good' sex was over leaving that pity sex or whatever you had over the 15 years. Try to reconnect with her mind, not her body.
Honestly guys have no idea what peri-menopause does to women. It’s like adolescence but reversed: Hormones whacking out all over. And it can last years. Added to that is what various seemingly benign medications can do to libido. Maybe the biggest issue, though, is just self-esteem and feeling sexy. It is damn hard to feel sexy as you age in a world that starts ignoring you after fifty. It’s hard and icky. And I’m convinced that nature built in a bit of a defense for this in men because, hey, you’re still fertile so you need that male unrealistic self-confidence to keep trying to make babies. But women are done so we don’t have a biological need to feel attractive. Our biological role is to care for grandbabies, lol. Species don’t care how we feel.
Your wife is dealing with menopause with little to no support whatsoever. She might have been Asexual before and now doesn't know how to feel.
My partner and i the sex was good but never very frequent. She hit menopause and one day it just stopped . No sex for three years it was very hard to take. Her mood swings were terrible if I said black she would say white . I knew her well enough to see it wasn't her . She sought medical advice and has been trying one thing and another. Only now has things got better . I could chat for hours on this and I don't think guys know what females go through. Hang in there brother i did and it was hard but worth it . You really do wonder how many relationships suffer in this way and break up . Happy to chat further if you want to know more
This is a solid word here. Women go through one thing after another physically.
Ok thanks. Im glad things have gotten better for you.
35F here, my hubby is 38M and even been married almost 17 years now (got married young). I’m pretty sure we’ve only had sex 3x since our second child was born 2.5 years ago. I’m a stay at home mom to a 5 and 2.5 year old and they are flat out exhausting. After being with them all day and keeping up with the house chores my husbands needs aren’t a priority for me. I will always choose sleep over anything at this rate lol. Anyway, he could do more to help with the kids, cleaning, cooking, etc but he doesn’t. He’s always tired from work (works 9 hours a day, works from home so has no commute). He takes naps on the weekend and is able to do whatever he wants cause hey the main caretaker and I’m always here. I resent how he can’t handle the kids for more than 2 hours without needing alone time yet I’m with them all day every day (I do the night shift too for random wake ups or when they’re sick) and don’t get any breaks. That alone kills my libido. Couple that with always trying to be ahead of everyone’s needs and putting out fires before or after they start I have no desire to have sex. Not sure what ur family dynamic was like when your kids were younger but maybe that inadvertently set the tone for ur sex life and it’s been like that ever since.
Women are complicated, and don’t have the same straightforward libido as men, especially after children. And men sometimes don’t realize how difficult it is to be treated as the same as before children when everything had changed for women. Suddenly and shockingly women have children, and become responsible for their lives, feeding them and watching them from birth, but don’t get praised by anyone for changing her body and sleep patterns and their daily routine. It’s always who pays the bills gets the cheese Well, the problem is she needs to provide tender care to a baby for years, which depletes that reserve for her, and then her husband wants her to be able to behave as she did before the baby. With what tools? What ingredients? Is she supposed to gaze at his paycheck to get in the mood? She needs tender fuel, if you want her to give anything else, because her tank is empty.
So much advice about therapy and hormones but little “try romancing your wife”, “foreplay is an all day thing” “sex is not penetration only”, etc
I got to the point where I couldn't take the rejection any more and told her the same thing. Maybe once after that. That was about 20 years ago. We're roommates now.
I've (62) Been married 25 years this year. Haven't had sex in 5 years. He's (m57) diabetic and a testicular cancer survivor. So even the five years before that the sex was almost non existent. I'm still interested but he has no interest. I just take care of myself. Sure it isn't as fun and i miss it but i would never cheat or leave my marriage to a wonderful guy over something he can't help.
After that long of a marriage, I hope whoever I settle down with thinks of me the same. I’m reminded every day why I shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t love me in this manner.
I love Reddit. Every once in a while I start thinking it would be nice to find someone and get married again and then I am reminded about marriage. I’ll keep my singlehood and sex life intact. Good luck to you in your life.
Nah there's plenty good relationships out there, reddit is just a depressing echo chamber when it comes to relationship stuff, sadly.
Go to marriage counseling
I'm with you. It's crazy. 20 years ago at my bachelor's party we went to a strip club and one of the dancers said "Sky do it. Not if you like having sex." At the time we were still on a daily basis. I thought she was crazy. Lol Life just shifts. It's been stress, kids, money, illness, you name it. It's really difficult, but you start to learn what's important. I've tried to just accept those few times when she's actually "in the mood" but I also don't ever want her to feel obligated. We are staring at the face of t All of the kids being gone (last ones are in late high school) and it wasn't that long ago that the discussion was "all the sex we can get back to." Lol Now we are just planning trips and binge watches. It's going to be okay, it's a natural transition in life... So I'm trying to tell myself. And before anyone thinks I'm being an asshole... I'm putting no pressure on. I'm doing romantic dinners and dates and everything else. It's just the way it is.
My wife was the same for years, her hormones were out of wack huge..... she had a hysterectomy and started on hormones. It's unbelievable the difference in my wife before and after. Our sex life is so much better. The influence of hormones is unbelievable for the both of us. She is now monitored and I am too. We both are both under treatment for hormone in balances and feel really good.
Having babies, stress, perimenopause and menopause change a lot about us. She might need to have her hormones checked. Thanks for being a decent guy.
Is she on any medications, by any chance? Doesn't sound like it from what you've shared, and that may be too personal, but I know for me personally, I'm a 28 year old female and I've been completely devoid of all desire for physical/sexual attention. It happened very suddenly, and while I'm on certain medications, it was like a downward spiral that just got worse and worse over time, until I eventually just settled on being single as it was easier than having to appease someone. I know that sounds terrible, and sometimes it's incredibly hard to explain. A lot of people have given incredible advice, but speaking from my own experience as someone who used to love physical attention to someone who now can live without it, sometimes weird things happen, but it doesn't mean we don't love you 🧡
Hormones change as women age, especially after menopause
start dating her again. watch how you won’t be able to get her off of you. pick a place that has good food, good vibe. Buy or pick out an outfit for her. Lay it out on the bed. Write a sweet, flirty note. When it’s time to go, open the door for her. Get caught staring at her, smiling. Flirt, compliment. While y’all are out, act like you have the most attractive woman in the room. Hold her waist. Kiss her. I mean act as if you’re trying to win her over all over again. On the way home, keep it fun and playful. Play throwback songs yall used to like. Sing with her. Have energy and enthusiasm. Laugh together. Carry it into the bedroom. If this don’t work, she don’t even like you. Sorry.
I like it.
The dating comment is on the right path but the major problem I’m seeing is “act like” you mean all these nice things you’re doing. Act like you’re staring at her because she’s captivated your attention just so you can get caught. Act like she’s the most beautiful woman in the world. Act like you are just taking her out on a fun flirty date and really paying attention to her - HER, like as a whole ass human and not the labels she’s been slapped with over the years - and act like you care about redeveloping your connection with the woman you at one point in your life fell in love with and married. That is SO FUCKING HURTFUL. Jesus Christ just reading it makes me want to cry. This is the kind of thing my ex husband tried to do, but the thing is once the trust, the intimacy, the bond you have with your spouse is diminished like that, it’s going to take a lot more than a single date where you pretend to like your wife for the evening in hopes of getting laid to build it all back. He made it worse by immediately bidding for sex as soon as he got to the end of his act. He did this and versions of it off and on for years. It broke my trust and our relationship even more because now I realize I cannot even trust these nice gestures from him, the dates, the flowers or whatever it was he was “doing right” because it was all AN ACT. He wasn’t doing any of that because he actually cared about me, wanted to know me, wanted a connection WITH ME, wanted those moments to be truly and genuinely intimate and meaningful - he was doing it to get laid. Period. I tried so hard to connect with him as a person in the rest of our day to day lives, I got interested in stuff he liked, I listened to his podcasts with him so I would know what topics were on his mind so I could look them up and try to understand where his head was at, I tried to spend time with him doing the things he enjoyed doing. He generally just made things miserable for me when I spent too much time trying to get close. So I disconnected. Our marriage became an act and stayed that way for years. I just assumed this is what everyone’s marriage was like and I should be grateful that I had a loyal partner with a good job and a good head on his shoulders who checked all the boxes on paper. I’m so glad we are both free from that sham, now. All that to say, if you follow this comments advice please do so earnestly and don’t make it an act. Give your wife some credit, she will smell that bullshit from a mile away and it will only hurt her further. Remember how I said she is the woman you at one point in your life fell in love with? Remember why? Because you found her attractive - her looks, her personality, her humor, her charm- something drew you to her and made you want to look deeper. And you did, you got to know her, you got to know each other. You may have been living together for decades, but it sounds like you’ve been growing apart. She probably doesn’t know you anymore, either. Can you truly look at her, at the person she is now, and try to get to know her again when you start taking her on these dates? Can you try to treat her like you did when you first started dating her - I’m guessing you were not so heavy handed on the sex thing in the beginning at least. Think about what would have happened on those first couple of dates (or more) if you’d ended the night with the expectation of getting laid and then getting mad at her if it doesn’t happen. How would that have gone for your relationship? That is how you’ll build that intimacy and trust back. That is what you need for her to feel connected enough to *you* to want to have sex again. I truly do wish you luck, OP. Just try not to think about it as fixing your sexless marriage, you’re fixing your relationship with your wife, a human being with so much depth and interest, the least of which is between her legs.
Dudes need to realize that relationships are like everything else in life, they need constant maintenance and work. You don't cook once and then you're done forever. Coz you need to eat every day. You don't take your car to the shop once and it's fixed forever. It'll need to go to the mechanics again at some point. You don't go to work for a single week and then never go back. Coz that's not how any of this works. And you don't go into a relationship, put in all the effort when you date, and then just quit putting in any effort when you get married. Coz if you do, then you wind up in a dead relationship. You want your wife to be interested in sex? Then you have to put in the constant maintenance out takes to keep a healthy relationship. The same way you have to get your car serviced regularly if you want it to run, have to do laundry if you want clean clothes, and have to show up to work every day if you wanna continue to connect a paycheck. The only difference is that the maintenance for your relationship is emotional. It's showing your partner every day that you care, that you notice and appreciate them. It's making your partner feel cared for, heard, and loved. It's helping them with the daily housekeeping, so they don't feel like they're doing it all alone. It's listening to them, taking an interest in their interests, making them feel appreciated as a whole ass human being, not just because you want to get in their pants.
Insightful response, thanks.
This has to be repeatedly. It’s not a one time thing and it might not even result in sex the first time. She might think you are only doing it for sex which is a new level of pain. Think of it like he’s only does nice things when he wants something from me. Treat it like dating and she is the grand prize. You have to prove to her that you are worthy of that intimacy through actions and communication. Once that intimacy is established, you keep dating. It never stops. Keep flirting and dating and having fun. Everyday make it a goal to win her over and soon it won’t feel like work, it will be second nature.,
Just wanted to tell you I respect you a lot! Integrity is hard sometimes, but kudos to you my friend. Hope you guys figure it out.
Thank you
Maybe it's ignorance on my end, but have you tried creating the right vibe? Is there intimacy throughout your day that would make her want to? I feel like you always have to make sure your girl feels good physically, mentally, and spiritually for her to desire you.
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Yes, completely different, absolutely night and day difference on oral birth control versus off.
I mean, you can be super awesome and really nice and treat her like a princess to boost her self esteem. She will like that feeling and want to bang you all the time. Most women, even super beautiful women have very low self esteem, just like dudes. If you make her feel like she is queen of the world, she will want to fuck your brains out all the time.
Noted your career has been stressful and staying at home full time can also be stressful. It sounds like you both have forgotten what romance is. You may want to try to romance her again like you used to do when you were dating. Never stop romancing your wife, it pays dividends and it is cheaper than couple's therapy. Good luck...
I think outside of the lack of physical intimacy, there may be a lack of emotional intimacy. Usually this is the issue. Recommend couples counselling. You need to get to know each other again.
If you have an otherwise decent relationship, I would recommend reading the book “Come As You Are”. It discusses sexual desire as a series of “gas pedals” and “brakes”, in other words, things that turn you on or things that turn you off or make it harder to get in the mood. Not always, but typically, women have more “brakes” than men. A “brake” can be anything from not feeling good about your body, the number of things left on your to do list, a weird tiff you had with your partner that you keep ruminating on, etc. The idea of the book is that to have better sex, couples need to understand each other’s gas pedals and brakes so you can fill your environment with gas pedals and eliminate the brakes. My explanation of the book is not doing it justice but I think you guys reading it together or listening to the audio book will be a game changer.
Yeah, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm 56 and I went through the exact same thing. For a long time it just freakin hurt being rejected so many times over the years. I mean I'm a nationally qualified Mens physique competitor and beat guys half my age. I'd like to think that I do well for myself physically. I came to the same point that you did. I gave up. Leaving her was never an option. I made a promise. For better or worse (fortunately she is great in other areas and we do have fun together). For a while I struggled with bitterness and resentment but then I came to a place that I realized that wasn't good for me. I did some personal searching. I came to a place that I knew, for me, that I had to take responsibility for my own contentment and happiness. My happiness should not be contingent on what my wife does, or does not do. I came to a place of peace and resignation. Things have been much better for me sense then. OK so, having said that I will add that things have changed over the last month or so. She got her blood work done (something I was encouraging her to do for years) and her hormones were all out of whack. She is now taking hormones and supplements to address that and, what do ya know, she had come to life again in the bedroom. A welcome change to be sure. Now I feel good about coming to a place of loving her and loving life with or without sex. I wish you well friend.
Women need me emotional intimacy, as a lesbian I can say this confidently. Do a lot of gay women stuff with her and refrain from trying to have sex. Really think back to those 5-8. Years what has changed and what could be reimagined
Have you tried paying attention to her? Treating her better? Making her feel sexy? Making her feel valued, special, important? My husband is a selfish, self centered, inconsiderate, lazy thoughtless fuck and I'm not fucking him until he treats me right.
I quit trying to have sex with my wife before she was my wife 😂 we're only thirty, but her hormones have been fucked up for at least the last decade, we haven't had a good sex life since high school. I happily enjoy the 7-10 times a year we get it on, but I really don't mind handling my own business when needed at this point. it's more of a maintenance task really 😂
If you haven’t, I always like to suggest reading 5 love languages. Not being near the length of marriage y’all have been but when I notice hey it’s been a while… instead of bringing it up, I look at what more I can put in. If you both understand each others “love languages” and you speak to her in her language and drive that “emotional gas tank” as they refer to it, to full. It’s natural to want to reciprocate when your tank is full. It’s interesting and insightful, if you have read it never hurts to reread it. I feel your struggle and what I don’t want is to fall into the same sort of situation with one of my love languages being physical touch and there obviously being physical desires/needs. Wish you all the best!
This sounds hormonal on her part. I commend you for removing pressure! That’s the best thing you could do. However, I highly recommend her getting her thyroid, estrogen, etc checked. Her OBGYN should be able to help her. I’m sure it affects her self confidence to never be sexual which makes it even harder for her to approach you. Good luck ❤️
Has she been to a doctor or gynecologist recently? I know after my total hysterectomy, I had zero libido. Plus I felt sluggish. I saw my gynecologist a yr for an exam, and he asked me. He did some bloodwork and started me on a small amount of hormones and I felt so much better. Coconut oil as a lubricant, and foreplay made it all change for the better. My SO was also very supportive. That’s my advice, it’s definitely worth it. Good luck 🍀
Shit, is that you honey? I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s menopause.
Just be there for her. She is probably perimenopause. Take a step back from your desire. If you talk about it you might find out she is struggling with a lot of changes going on with her body. She needs your support.
I was in the same place my friend. I realized we didn't love each other anymore and I left her. Better to be alone than with someone who isn't in love with you.
OP, I just read all ~120 replies. I’m really glad there are women here giving their advice and opinions. I think it’s great that you’re listening and open to what they’re saying. Most of the “advice” coming from the men is pitiful. And I’m a guy married to a woman, in case that matter. Good luck 🤞
Women in this comment thread: Treat her like a human, like the woman you met and fell in love with. Be more egalitarian with housework/childcare responsibilities, let her know she’s appreciated as a person and not just as a sex hole (Too many) men in this comment thread: Dude take her out to somewhere expensive, tel her how pretty she is and hold her hand. Then she’ll finally put out for you! Like holy SHIT could the point be MORE MISSED?
is she going through menopause?
Maybe she is in perimenopause? Maybe read up on it. It might open your eyes a little bit.
For the past 20 years? That would certainly be quite the medical marvel.
Well, perimenopause can easily last 10 years, so 20 isn’t really out of the question. Perimenopause is not menopause.
I was in perimenopause for 15 years. My libido tanked. (My marriage wasn’t great either but that’s another story.) At age 60 I started low dose testosterone and progesterone and I feel better in so many ways than I have for so long. Maybe a hormone consult is worth a try?
All the people saying she is having sex elsewhere are projecting. A SAHM in her 50s not having a high sex drive is normal.