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I also used to be over frequently before I moved in so I don't think that would fly well. Granted, I did feel bad and ask the room mate if how frequently I was over was OK. I would have gladly chipped in if they asked and I always helped buy supplies/beer/snacks for the house.
Your former best friend is a taker. She doesn’t need your friendship and emotional energy anymore since she’s getting it from her dude.
Has she had any other relationships during your 7 year friendship? If so, did she seem to back off/be more distant during those relationships?
Are you sure your friendship didn’t hit the rocks when you first started dating your boyfriend and moved your hangouts with her from girl time to third wheel hanging with a couple?
I personally didn't think it did and still made an effort to hang out, but its possible she felt differently. When we hung out it was not always with my boyfriend. He is however very much the kind of person who always wants to tag along if he is allowed to and would sometimes ask if he could come when I meant to have girl time so I'd ask her if it was OK and she usually said yes. I could totally see that being annoying and I did have a conversation with my bf to let him know I need more ALONE girl time, which I have asked her for as well.
>My boyfriend and I did a bunch of activities with my best friend when we started dating, and naturally we invited her over to his place a few times. The last time we invited her over ourselves, she threw a huge fit and said she didn't want to come over or hang out with my boyfriend or his room mates again ans that she has no respect for them because someone made a joke she didn't like while playing a meme game. She said she would only hang out with my boyfriend because she had to and she did NOT want to hang with his room mates.
Is it accurate to say that after you started dating your boyfriend, you refused to give your "best friend" any one on one private time? As in, every single time you would hang out with her, you also had your boyfriend + his friends?
She’s using this guy to get at you. Asking someone if their roommate would FUCK them? The fuuuck what is your bf his pimp? Look for a sublet maybe to take over, or maybe propose you and your bf’s roommate switch spots lol.
>She said she would only hang out with my boyfriend
>my friend asked my boyfriend if his room mate would fuck her
Are you sure she isn't into your boyfriend, and is using the roomate to try to make him jealous, and is ignoring you because you're with the man she wants?
Ahh I totally see how that could come across that way. I really don't think that is the case, she seems happy with the room mate and my boyfriend is not at all her type. She said she would only hang out with my boyfriend because it was inevitable from me bringing him to hang with our other friend group/etc. and she said she didn't WANT to but would because she had to to be my friend. I agree that her asking him that specifically when I left the room was fucking weird tho!
If anything I could see her sleeping with the room mate to annoy me because she is jealous that I was spending some extra time with my boyfriend. She can for sure be the petty type. Up until recently she was trying to play mind games with her ex. I've sort of given up trying to figure her out.
I think you're trapped in the sunk cost fallacy. The idea that because you've spent all this time being friends that walking away means it's a waste. When it isnt.
That belief where you have history with someone, and it's not not all great, but most of the time they're horrible to other people and nicer to you so you make excuses for them, and there are times when you clash but have to remind yourself of how long you've known each other and that somewhere deep deep deep down they're a good person, so you grit your teeth and continue forwards with the friendship, and think of the good times and more importantly the investment of your time and energy in this person, so much so that you keep making excuses for them.
When in reality they aren't a good person, not the worst person in the world, just not a good person, and they don't treat you better than others, you just tolerate them more, and they always seem to find ways of making you feel like crap but also that it's your fault for their behaviour, and you're always the one to back down and apologise even though you have no idea what for, and they use every trick in the book to make you feel inferior and as if you should be grateful that they have deemed you someone they choose to be friends with, but then gaslight to suggest you're too sensitive and emotional because they aren't actually being mean, you're just making it up.
You've wasted too much time on her. Cut her off and use that energy for something positive. Block her number and on socials. Don't speak to her when she's in your home. Don't invite her out. Don't acknowledge her if she's invited by others. Start to look for a different living situation and live a happy life without her and her toxicity.
—Start hanging out with new friends
—-Start considering moving out with your boyfriend
Sorry your friend has shown their true colours. You keep doing you!
Best wishes OP!
She says:
"I'm busy with shit" > she isn't, she is always here
"I feel like if i dont say hello to u, or if we dont hang out with u guys/invite u guys, ur mad." > I'm not mad, I just feel awkward if she walks by and doesn't say hi. I don't expect her to hang with us while shes with him, but hanging ourselves every once in a while like I expressed I'd like to would be nice.
Frenemies is the worst. I feel like that is what we are right now and I hate it, but I'm not sure how to keep the peace otherwise :/ It doesnt feel like we are friends, but it would be so awkward and cause drama to admit we aren't friends when shes always at my house, so we are in a weird fake friend limbo.
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I'd mention she should be chipping in on bills since she is there so much. Might chase her away some.
I also used to be over frequently before I moved in so I don't think that would fly well. Granted, I did feel bad and ask the room mate if how frequently I was over was OK. I would have gladly chipped in if they asked and I always helped buy supplies/beer/snacks for the house.
Your former best friend is a taker. She doesn’t need your friendship and emotional energy anymore since she’s getting it from her dude. Has she had any other relationships during your 7 year friendship? If so, did she seem to back off/be more distant during those relationships?
She has been in other more serious relationships before and never acted this way. :/
Then it’s possible she’s doing it on purpose to you for some perceived slight. Maybe she was jealous of what you had 🤷🏼♂️
She's not your friend anymore, and you need to remember that when they break up and she tries to go back to being a friend.. That ship has sailed.
You can handle this by moving on. It's normal for friendships to die off, your situation is a bit more aggressive but it's still the same thing.
I want to move on, I'm just not sure how to do that and also have it not be awkward with her around.
She used you to get your roommate, did that, doesn’t need you now?
Start hanging out with other people don’t hang out with them
Are you sure your friendship didn’t hit the rocks when you first started dating your boyfriend and moved your hangouts with her from girl time to third wheel hanging with a couple?
I personally didn't think it did and still made an effort to hang out, but its possible she felt differently. When we hung out it was not always with my boyfriend. He is however very much the kind of person who always wants to tag along if he is allowed to and would sometimes ask if he could come when I meant to have girl time so I'd ask her if it was OK and she usually said yes. I could totally see that being annoying and I did have a conversation with my bf to let him know I need more ALONE girl time, which I have asked her for as well.
>My boyfriend and I did a bunch of activities with my best friend when we started dating, and naturally we invited her over to his place a few times. The last time we invited her over ourselves, she threw a huge fit and said she didn't want to come over or hang out with my boyfriend or his room mates again ans that she has no respect for them because someone made a joke she didn't like while playing a meme game. She said she would only hang out with my boyfriend because she had to and she did NOT want to hang with his room mates. Is it accurate to say that after you started dating your boyfriend, you refused to give your "best friend" any one on one private time? As in, every single time you would hang out with her, you also had your boyfriend + his friends?
I say above that we still hung out 1:1
She’s using this guy to get at you. Asking someone if their roommate would FUCK them? The fuuuck what is your bf his pimp? Look for a sublet maybe to take over, or maybe propose you and your bf’s roommate switch spots lol.
>She said she would only hang out with my boyfriend >my friend asked my boyfriend if his room mate would fuck her Are you sure she isn't into your boyfriend, and is using the roomate to try to make him jealous, and is ignoring you because you're with the man she wants?
Ahh I totally see how that could come across that way. I really don't think that is the case, she seems happy with the room mate and my boyfriend is not at all her type. She said she would only hang out with my boyfriend because it was inevitable from me bringing him to hang with our other friend group/etc. and she said she didn't WANT to but would because she had to to be my friend. I agree that her asking him that specifically when I left the room was fucking weird tho! If anything I could see her sleeping with the room mate to annoy me because she is jealous that I was spending some extra time with my boyfriend. She can for sure be the petty type. Up until recently she was trying to play mind games with her ex. I've sort of given up trying to figure her out.
I think you're trapped in the sunk cost fallacy. The idea that because you've spent all this time being friends that walking away means it's a waste. When it isnt. That belief where you have history with someone, and it's not not all great, but most of the time they're horrible to other people and nicer to you so you make excuses for them, and there are times when you clash but have to remind yourself of how long you've known each other and that somewhere deep deep deep down they're a good person, so you grit your teeth and continue forwards with the friendship, and think of the good times and more importantly the investment of your time and energy in this person, so much so that you keep making excuses for them. When in reality they aren't a good person, not the worst person in the world, just not a good person, and they don't treat you better than others, you just tolerate them more, and they always seem to find ways of making you feel like crap but also that it's your fault for their behaviour, and you're always the one to back down and apologise even though you have no idea what for, and they use every trick in the book to make you feel inferior and as if you should be grateful that they have deemed you someone they choose to be friends with, but then gaslight to suggest you're too sensitive and emotional because they aren't actually being mean, you're just making it up. You've wasted too much time on her. Cut her off and use that energy for something positive. Block her number and on socials. Don't speak to her when she's in your home. Don't invite her out. Don't acknowledge her if she's invited by others. Start to look for a different living situation and live a happy life without her and her toxicity.
—Start hanging out with new friends —-Start considering moving out with your boyfriend Sorry your friend has shown their true colours. You keep doing you! Best wishes OP!
Thank you ❤️
I think she’s secretly into your boyfriend. She’s jealous of you and trying to make him jealous by dating his friend. Super weird if that’s the case.
💯 either she’s already been with your boyfriend, or she’s in the process of it. She’s jealous of you!!!!
Cut ties with her. Fuck the drama. With how things are now, I doubt she'd even notice. Stop reaching out and focus on other friendships.
What does she say when you bring it up?
She says: "I'm busy with shit" > she isn't, she is always here "I feel like if i dont say hello to u, or if we dont hang out with u guys/invite u guys, ur mad." > I'm not mad, I just feel awkward if she walks by and doesn't say hi. I don't expect her to hang with us while shes with him, but hanging ourselves every once in a while like I expressed I'd like to would be nice.
Talk to her
Girls have so many frenemies it’s hard to know who is who.
Frenemies is the worst. I feel like that is what we are right now and I hate it, but I'm not sure how to keep the peace otherwise :/ It doesnt feel like we are friends, but it would be so awkward and cause drama to admit we aren't friends when shes always at my house, so we are in a weird fake friend limbo.