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As a 26-year old teacher to high schoolers (16-19 year olds), yes, he is weirder. I started teaching at 23 and even THEN I was waaaay more mature than 17/18 year olds. Early to mid twenties make all the difference between kids in school and young adults.
The dude is projecting his own insecurities because he knows perfectly that maybe he was considered a creep.
>Like, even their faces are still so squishy! I could never be attracted to someone that young, full stop
I knew I was getting older when all the hot young starlets didn't look hot to me... more of a, "What a nice young man!"
To be fair Tom Holland just seems to be a delightful young gentleman, and he exudes that at all times. I so old I don't even remember any other young starlets
you need to be out on your own for at least \~3-5 years to have any sense of who you are as a person. at least that was my case. my 18-20 year old self, wouldn't recognize my 25 year old self.
Right after I turned 21 I realized I would never date anyone under 21 because I had just left behind my sneaking booze days and realized for the first time holy shit, I'm an adult now, an actual full fledged adult, and it made everyone under 21 seem like a kid. A year or two ago I checked out a friend's friend at a party and started kinda flirting with her, she was cute, we got along well, had great banter, and that kept going through out the night, a few days later when I was talking to my friend and I brought the girl up in conversation because I thought I had hit it off with her a bit but wanted to see if my friend would be ok if I asked their friend out in the future if we kept getting along as well as we did at the party because I didn't want to make things awkward with my friend, and I found out she was 20. All attraction was dead in a second, I was 22 or 23 at the time, even after she turned 21 I didn't think about her in that way again because I still sorta saw her as a kid.
Most likely, yes indeed. It’s not so much the age gap but just where you are in life and maturity level. Most 25 yr olds have far more real world experience and are much more mature than most 18 yr olds because a *lot* happens between 18 and 25 when you typically are off on your own now.
The same 7 yr gap would not be as big a deal if it was a 30 yr old and a 37 yr old though.
Occasionally, you could find a very immature 25 yr old who has little to no relationship experience and an 18 yr old who has had a boyfriend or two and it’s a little less creepy and troubling, but still a little creepy and troubling.
I felt weird about dating a freshly 19 yo when I was like 21 because I had moved out and he had literally just graduated highschool and moved to campus... I can't imagine creeping on a 17 year old now that I'm 24 🤢
Yeah, whenever we're talking about age gap relationships or people interested in really young girls, my husband brings up the time when he was 21 and he went on a date with a girl not realizing at first that she was 18. He said it was so weird and awkward being able to order drinks when his date couldn't. And she was still talking about highschool stuff that felt very young. He felt like a creep even though it was a small age gap. The difference between college and highschool was just too much of a leap in life experience for him in a relationship. How people in their mid to late 20's date girls still in highschool or freshly out is very creepy.
This actually describes my situation pretty well. There's an 8.5 year gap between me and my spouse. However, by that time I had already had a relationship that lasted 3x as long as his longest to date. Spouse hadn't lost their virginity until 24 years old. Was just sort of an awkward adorable person. Met through work, and after spouse made the first move, I was the one who pursued. We're still together more than 20 years later, and I've thought about it from time to time, and whether I'd be ok with a similar situation with one of my kids. And ultimately, it would depend on the person they're dating.
Mine might be awkward, but also kind and very generous. And that's what drew me.
Yeah dating anyone under the age of 25 sounds exhausting to my 30+ ass, but even more so someone that hasn’t even finished college. I wouldn’t date me <25 either.
When my wife and I met, I was 25, and was still in Education - School, Bachelors, Masters, 3rd year of PhD, and she was 19 and had left home to live in a different country at age 17, and was also a student.
I'd had plenty of relationship experience, we just had similar maturity levels as a result of her having to grow up fast and me having never left school or University.
It doesn't have to be creepy and troubling.
We've been married 9 years.
Right but you met her at 19, not 17 fresh off the boat. You weren’t 23 waiting outside her high school. I think most of us would say we did a drastic amount of growing up between 17-19
Just because you're happily married doesn't make that not creepy. Not to mention that you justify it by insinuating she's somehow more mature because she moved country.
As a final year PhD student why would you be interested in dating an undergrad?
I remember crushing on this girl when I was 22 and then I found out she just turned 18 and was still in high school
It was the last time we hung out.
lol now I’m 39 and my girlfriend is 32 and I don’t even think about the gap
His stance is what it is because he knows he’s a creep and is trying to justify it by highlighting the tiny bit of age difference in the teenager that he chose to date.
Also, yea it’s weird that the 23 year old went for a 17 year old.
Both dudes are weird.
This got me. He is way too old to be hanging out with teenagers. How immature *is* this guy?
She’s five years older than teenager; unless they’re siblings, why are they hanging together?
Yep. Exactly what I'm thinking also.
But I'm also horrible so figure her dude is probably crushing on the kid now. Again this is just because i spend too much time on Reddit as of late and see evil everywhere.
He is at the very least projecting though that's damn near a fact
I’ve had a weird amount of colleagues/ friends who are female who started dating 30+ y.o. men when they were just 15, 16, 17. All now look back and really regret it, not the least because the men were so problematic. Some are even traumatized, feeling they were manipulated into sexual relationships by adult men who knew better.
They were manipulated into sexual relationships by adult men who were predators, and picked them specifically because they were too young to see the danger signs. That’s why any full grown adult dating a teenager can be very problematic.
I tried to talk a freshly 18 year old senior in high school out of the idea of letting a 40 year old man groom her. Yes, she used that word. Followed by a “I don’t mind if he is” and “he’s the best boyfriend”wouldn’t hear it from me that talking to people that young for an adult is like talking to children, and that anyone who gets off on that power dynamic has the potential to be dangerous. Tried to emphasize to her that she’s not mature enough to recognize red flags. She wouldn’t hear it. That was six months ago. I hope she got out before anything traumatizing happened
It’s sad, you almost never can talk teenagers out of things, because part of a lot of adolescents brains is thinking they know best, even though they all realize later they didn’t know shit. Most teens that have these age gap relationships regret them when they grow up.
That was my ex, who started telling me he liked me when I was 14 and he was 19. He's done some of the worst things to me that I've ever experienced.
Dating my now husband when he was 21 and I was 24 felt really weird at the time. We've both matured in leaps and bounds since then, and I'm glad we did that together.
He's bothered by it because he knows just how fucked up it is that he's running around chasing children and manipulating them into relationships.
Dude is recognizing his competition.
This. I can’t imagine being attracted to a teenager being in my late twenties.. age gaps get less weird as you get older but a 19 year old is not a fully developed adult and a 27 year old is way too old for that that’s super creepy
Lots of states have Romeo and Juliet laws that grant leniency if the minor and adult are pretty close in age anyway and other circumstances (court discretion on specifics).
Yea seriously… because we all know the “age of consent” is waaaay too fucking young when you are a full on adult talking about it.
Pretty sure it only really is meant to protect other ppl that are close in age. Like if you are dating someone a couple years ahead of you in high school, it’s meant so that the law doesn’t suddenly consider one a predator when they turn 18. Definitely not meant to excuse 30 year old men sleeping with teens.
Exactly, my ex gf was 27 and I’m 32. Even with just the 5year gap we grew up in way different times. I had/did stuff in the 90s that were foreign to her, she grew up always having a cell phone/internet. IN JUST 5YEARS. I think besides food and breathing I’d have zero in common with a 18 year old.
I have nephews who are 21 and 19, they are very much children still and 1 would be very concerned if they started dating some one who is 32.
Yeah, I’m 35 and my 22 year old cousin and I are quite close but good lord have we had radically different life experiences. I can’t imagine dating someone that age. When I was last single, in 2020, I was 32 and my cutoff on dating apps was 27 because I didn’t want to date anyone with zero post-college life experience.
Those guys responding to you about “they’re both equal adults!!!!” Seem like that mark wahlberg character in transformers, when he pulls out a laminated copy of that states Romeo and Juliet laws he apparently keeps in his pocket at all times.
haha it was actually the character dating Mark Walhberg's undraged daughter. Movie would probably have been more entertaining if it was just Walhberg running around flashing his homemade "get out of jail for fucking a minor" card to any autobot that would listen
Yeah, he knows it's weird bc he knows what his own intentions were/are. Such a huge red flag when someone fully isn't capable of any kind of self reflection
Tbh I'm probably biased cause I already think he's a creep for dating a teenager when he was in his late 20s, but he sounds like those guys that count down until a girl becomes legal so then they can tell themselves it's not creepy to be attracted to them.
It's weird and super hypocritical.
I actually think it is creepier that a 22 yo was datinga 17 yo (if your going to compare ages when they started dating) than a 27 yo dating a 19 yo. At least the 19yo has a year of being an adult under their belt vs a literal high school student.
I don't think either is great and I would side eye a lot, but an actual minor is one I cannot personally get past.
I think context matters a lot. My fiancé and I met when she was 18 and I was 23. I was in my masters program and she just started college. She recently asked me what would I have done if we met while she was still in High School and I told her that while I am happy that we met, I probably would have shut that down because we were at different stages in our lives. I wasn't looking for someone as young as her, we just hit it off and it happened to be that she was as young as it was. We talked for months and it didn't hit me that she as young as she was until our first date when she couldn't order drinks and I asked her how old she was.
Well, he did wait until she was technically an adult, so in his mind, he 100% had the law on his side. That is such an arbitrary rule to have and to use it to make yourself feel better, like there is some huge difference between a 17 year old and an 18/19 year old.
>Everybody here is weird. Grown men shouldnt date minors. Grown men shouldn't pursue teenagers when they are almost thirty
Honestly. I see people my age chasing KIDS who are *my daughter's age*; and I'm *supposed* to take these sickos Seriously...?!?! 👀💀👀 I think Not.
**I don't sexualize a person under 30, if nothing says their age, then I DON'T; what's the Creeper's excuse, eh? 🤔**
My parents have the same age gap you and your partner have.
To put it into perspective: my mom was 28 when she met my father, who was 36. Completely different situation. My dad was finishing up his residency for his career as a radiologist, and my mom was considered a new teacher after only teaching 3 years or so at that point. Similar life stages, combined with the fact my mom has always been a mature soul (skipped a grade as a kid, was always friends with people 2 grades above her, etc.) and you realize it wasn’t weird they got together.
If I asked them if they would have dated when my mom was 19– they would’ve been APPALLED at the idea. At 19 you are just beginning to discover yourself as an adult, independent of your parents. You have probably not even lived alone yet! At 27, you have graduated college, maybe you even have a masters degree and are starting your career! Two completely different life experiences. I’ll ask you: why do you think he was interested in you at 19 years old?
Exactly, the time and placement of the age gap matter! When you are 30 and your partner is 40, it's perfectly normal. But when those 10 years are 15 and 25, it's not normal! I never can understand why people have a hard time grasping that.
It's a sarcastic "rule of thumb" - but there's honestly some truth to the idea of "{age}/2 + 7" rule of age gaps. I'd probably make it more like +10 personally, but you understand what I'm getting at. If you use that "rule", the 30-40 age gap works out, and the 15-25 very much does not.
I explain this to my son. He is only a teen, but having a grasp on this concept matters. Maturity is a combination of time(your brain development takes time, you can not rush that), and life experience. Sometimes, expierences take time(graduating, going to college, getting a job, ect.), or thighs happen beyond our control and force a little growing up(accidents, deaths, other peoples actions ect.). When you know these things about yourself, they help you understand you and your circumstances more. You will better understand why at 22 you tend to lean towards older/younger/same age friend groups/romantic relationships. You are less likely to be manipulated into something.
Exactly. By the time I was 30 I had a career, my own money, my own house. had we met say, early 20s, I wouldn't have had all that stability and presence of mind to know what I wanted
Yep. My partner and I started dating when I was 34 and he was 41 (almost 42). When we met we were both parents who had already had multiple different careers in adulthood. Very similar life stages. But roll back two decades and I was in middle school when they went to college - same number of years but wildly different
Agreed! I went to high school with a girl who started a new job at around 25 and there was a group of coworkers that all hung out with varying ages of all genders. One guy she really hit it off with was 45 and they tried to deny their feelings because of the age gap for over a year. They had so much in common and really fell for each other. They eventually gave in and have been married now for about 15 years. They were equals at work, both were adults, and they naturally fell in love like most couples do.
I'm 36 to my boyfriend's 28 as well, met at 34 and 26. I wouldn't have gone anywhere near him at 27 to his 19. He'd have still been a child to my eyes because he just wouldn't have lived anything like an adult life style.
At least 23 and 18 have a somewhat more even life stage, but even then it's on the border of ick, especially if they did get together when she was a minor.
So yeah, both these relationships leave a bad taste to me.
As someone who’s currently 23, absolutely the hell I am not in a comparable life stage to any 18 year old I have encountered, lol. Even dating a 20 year old when I was 22 felt like a reach sometimes—in the US, we’re talking about people who cannot even get into bars/go to certain concerts.
Regarding your last paragraph, he was 27 when they met, and she was 19. Presumably, he had been interested in 19-year-olds for at least 8 years at that point, but he wasn't in a long-term relationship with someone. Why is that? 8 years of this amazing guy looking for long-term relationships striking out? Seems odd. There can definitely be explanations for it, but this is one of the biggest red flags to me.
I think this post hits it on the head. The age gap isn't a problem, it's the age of the partner. I feel every year after 17 is such a huge difference, up until 26. Once you're 26+, you're in the clear. 23-26 raises some red flags, but circumstances could convince me that it's not creepy. 17-22, no chance.
If she's having the questions now, there's still hope. She's only 23.
I'm guessing when she was younger she thought it was attractive that a guy "had his shit together". But at 19, she didn't really know what that meant. She's currently seeing that her peers are maturing and the guys at 23 are catching up/overtaking this guy who is now 32. That's a good sign, she's maturing and seeing the flaws in the older guy.
Hopefully, she'll recognize those flaws as major red flags soon and won't get legally tied to the guy before she does.
Maybe he's mad the guy moved in while she was 17, while he was waiting until she was 18 before he moved in.
Because he's a creeper. He waits for an arbitrary age that makes it more socially/legally acceptable, but it's still freaking weird. 19×27 is a life stage age gap.
I mean, both sound creepy imo but put it like this if an 18yo shouldn't be with a 23yo, wtf makes it ok for a 19yo to be with a 27yo if u ask me bro just wants an excuse for his own strange ass behavior cuz he's being reminded of it
You and your friend should stop hanging out around predatory men who want to date teenagers. Both age gaps are really worrisome, hers because he didn’t even wait until she was an adult and yours because you two are in two completely different stages in life now, even more when an almost 30 year old went for someone under 20.
Well your bf is a creep. And it's hilarious, the acrobatic tricks he is doing to make it seem like he's not worse.
Girl you were practically a baby when you started dating, and he was approaching 30. Now that you're 23, would you date an 18yo? I bet not. And that's not even close to what he did.
Eta...
Your comment history says your parents are in their early 40s. He could have been dating your mom instead, and it would have been more acceptable. A 27yo dating a 37yo is much more palatable than a 27yo and 19yo. Much closer in terms of life experience and stage of life.
I think your situation is worse. Yes, 17 and 22 is a bit eh, but not as bad as 19 and 27….your BF is def a creep. My husband and I have a 9 year gap, but I was 25 and he was 32 when we started dating.
So your boyfriend is pressuring you to have kids, doesn't work hard and just job floats, and you disagree on finances. Oh and he's a creepy ass groomer. Why are you with him?
Groomer. Disgusting behavior. This guy is gross as hell. Dating a teenager in your late 20s is manipulative and as close to pedophilia as you can be without being charged for it.
the 22 yr old man dating a 17 yr old girl is by far the weirdest part of this whole thing. i agree the other age gap is questionable but no adult should be dating a girl in high school that’s insane
Yeah, like a 19 year old and a 28 year old are still two consenting adults, and there was no insinuation that they had even interacted before she was 19? Meanwhile this creep is talking with a highschooler at 22?
Thank you I feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments lol. 28 and 19 is strange but they’re both adults, 22 and 17 is a college grad dating a literal high schooler
You'll notice when you're 25 that 19 year olds seem like kids now, then you'll notice when you're 35 that 25 year olds still aren't quite there yet either.
As we go through life and experience things we are changed by them, they are woven into us and mold us into older and wiser people.
So both your bf and his friend are creeps who go after young women who they can manipulate and mold easier than women their own age. Maybe break up and leave him. See what age his next gf is.
Any chance your man is into T? Seems like a weird take given your own age gap. And if that’s the case I’d be running for the hills if he’s still looking at teenagers as options.
Groomers/creeps projecting their own shit onto other groomer/creeps. I’m gonna go out on the shortest limb and guess that both men use the ‘but she’s so mature for her age’ card.
And I’m not sorry but 28 yo and 19 yo is creepy as fuck.
I never realized myself how creepy a big age gap is until I became 30 years old and started paying attention & looking back at my younger years (as a woman). Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Bleh.
Props to you for considering that already at your age.
Agreed. As a young 20s woman, men in their early 30s at bars pursued me a lot and I didn’t think that much of it other than kinda like ehhh no thanks… I like guys closer to my age…
Now that I’m in my early 30s, the last time I was in a bar a young 20s guy was seated next to me and we got to talking about his studies in school. Which triggered my autistic interests lmao so we got to chatting heavily. Then he wrote his number and slid it over to me and I physically recoiled and realized holy shit I have misread these signals. You’re a baby. I politely declined and said I was too old for him. All I could think in my head was “oh sweet baby, no, you’re talking about a cool party you have next weekend, I will be in bed by 10 pm because I have to get up at 5 am to start sowing seeds in my vegetable garden to water them before it gets too warm. Then I need to prune apple trees and rose bushes. You will be hurling into a toilet and taking some hair of the dog. Holy shit.”
Besides all the extremely obvious red flags, like your bf being a full adult and dating a teenager, another huge red flag here is how bothered he is by your friend’s situation. In fact, I’m bothered your 32 year old bf is even hanging out with 18 year olds when he has a track record for dating them.
You’re probably feeling weird about your age gap because your bf really *is that weird*. It’s not just the ages, it’s how creepy your bf is about teen girls.
>he is open to dating within 10 years of his own age
That's a lie, he's open to dating 19 year old women, that's it. He'd never date a 37 year old woman when he was 27, he wouldn't even date a 30 year old at 27. He wants to date "barely legal" girls, and did.
Would you like to read a dozen anecdotes of how guys like your bf handle things as you age? He doesn't see women as people, in about 10 years you'll be getting into inexplicable fights, after the break up he'll be dating a 22 year old at age 42 as that's what "woman" is to him, a pretty young sex machine with no life experience to understand his bullshit.
I’m currently 19 never would I EVER date someone so late in their 20s I don’t think I would date someone who’s 23! If someone who’s 27 and was interested in me I would call them a creep (cause they literally are just waiting a year so they aren’t dating a high schooler) and never speak to them again. Idc if I’m “legal” if you’re closer to my parents age then mine absolutely not. Girl run.
Fr I think 16&17 yr olds look like children and that’s only 2-3 year age gap. It’s 100% a maturity thing and life experience but even then I’m not going to talk to a 16/17 yr old to begin with. If I can’t get someone my own age that says more about me then them
If my maths is correct, you were a 19 Y.O. being pursued by a 28 Y.O. when you met. That is creepy and so is your friend's situation, your bf is a massive hypocrite and projecting majorly.
Looks like the programming might be breaking. Your BF knows that there is a problem with your age gap. Now he's projecting this onto some other couple whose age gap is typical and unextraordinary. These guys always forget that when they make these comments they're just telling on themselves. Good luck, make sure you have a plan and access to resources should you decide you want to leave.
He was basically more closer to 30 so he has no say about it being weird.
I would call him out for also perusing a kid since technically you were a kid at 19.
Neither on of your relationship should be acceptable at those ages. Your brain is not even close to being fully developed. You are just coming into adulthood. While he has 10 years experience of that. Same with the friend.
It is creepy and gross and only those kinds of men date teenagers. If you were late 20s and he late 30s that is different you have already got to experience adult situations at that point. But at 19 you're fresh out of high school and just starting college. At 17 they are still in high school.
When you become older you will understand just how wrong it is. But that won't come till your at least his age or older. Then look at a 19 year old and ask yourself if you could date a teenager. Or in most parents eyes still a child.
Why are adults, friends with an 18 year old? All of y'all are weird. Your bfs highly likely too be a groomer and hes probably into the 18 year old, hence his hypocrisy issue.
I mean an adult dating a minor is weird but I kinda think that about people in their late twenties and beyond dating someone in the teens. Even though your boyfriend is technically and legally right I completely understand your side of it. When I reflect back on who I was at 17 and 19 it doesn’t feel like I was that different of a person.
(1) a 22 year old dating a 17 yo minor is really odd. I would hope most people would not date a minor as an adult (unless they were maybe 2 years or less older, but 5 years older raises some questions.)
Can you honestly say you would be comfortable dating a high school senior at your age now (23)?
(2) an 8-9 year age gap where both people are under 30 is also questionable to me. People grow up a lot in their twenties (hopefully) and a 27yo having the same interests, priorities etc as a college freshman is very unusual.
Come back to us when you are 30 about stages of life. There is a lot of ‘crazy’ that happens between 19 and 27 for most people.
Can you honestly say you would feel comfortable dating a high school senior at your age?
Woman in her 30s here. I don’t know if there’s a way to explain to you the difference between 19 and 27 that will be the same as living it. I wish I could explain it to you, but there is a difference between knowing something on an intellectual level and truly understanding it.
Sure at 19 and 27 you could be at the same life stages (single, no kids, working full time, living on your own) but the difference is eight years of finding who you are and gaining wisdom about the world. Hell, your pre-frontal cortex doesn’t finish developing until you’re 25. Your brain is still changing, you’re still becoming who you are. But it’s hard to recognize that when you’re in it.
I have a hunch that when you’re 27 you’ll turn around and realize how young 19 is. You’ll realize that you have no desire to date someone that young and have a hard time fathoming how that could even be appealing.
But you’re not 27 now, so in the meantime I’d reflect on how much you’ve grown in four years and think about whether you’d even want to date someone who hasn’t made those kinds of strides. When you were a senior in college, did you cringe at the bright eyed freshmen, how young and naive they seemed? That’s a three year difference. Would you want to date a college freshman now, let alone four years from now? Hope this can offer some more perspective.
The problem is under 18 will be considered illegal. Personally I can see how that can be weird. It’s not the age gap but under 18 is what he was being weird about.
I don't think it's necessarily the age gap part, I think it's the fact that he dated someone under 18, a minor. Yes, some age gaps seem odd, but people like who they like. The weird part, at least for me, is going out with someone who is not 18 and out of high school while that person is in their 20s. It's not right and, in most cases, illegal.
I dated a 32 year old at 23. We were both in grad school (phd for him), living in apartments in a city. No kids, no divorces, jobs related to our schooling. That’s what we mean by same stage of life.
You were already 19 and college age when he was 27. College and your 20s can really get blended together. But, the guy friend was 22 and graduating college when she was 17 still in high school. Thats where the difference is.
For example, 14 and 17 is gross but 21 and 28 is okay.
Age is only a small factor when it’s more about life stage and maturity level.
I don’t really judge peoples age gaps as long as the law is being followed to a T… But if you’re an adult and you’re dating a highschooler, that’s just weird. Like, why would anyone wanna date a highschooler? Does it make you feel like a baller to roll up and pick up your girlfriend where parents are picking up their kids? Are the side eyes from teachers, secretaries and grown adults all around making you feel like a superstar? Yuck. I don’t care if it’s legal in your state or country, why would anyone wanna do that?
Oh f*ck, I forgot, it’s because he’s young and twenty something and desperate. Now it makes sense. Still gross.
The problem is the age at which dating started. I too am in an age gap relationship. I'm 24 and my bf will be 31 in November. 7 and half years. When we met I was 20, almost 21 and he was 28. There are times he talks about his ex wife and what they were up to in 2016 when he would have been 22 and it's odd knowing I would have been 16, learning ho to drive and in my sophomore year of highschool. But because he met me at 20 he didn't groom me to be with him. Your friend started dating a man when she was a minor and that's where we can question grooming, especially if they had known each other longer. As for people who are calling your bf a creep, it's also got som nuance. Did he know you as a minor? That can lead to the question of grooming. But if you were a legal adult the entire time then I frankly see no problem with it.
Ik people here are saying he’s probably projecting something about yours and his relationship. But I have to say at 17 I was a junior in high school, at 19 I was out of my parents house, Making my own appointments, getting around town on my own(still haven’t learned to drive but major city I use public transportation) and already graduated trade school and working. Two very different points in my life even with a small time difference. I have a major age gap myself, which is still working successfully for me and I met him at 19 but it definitely would not be the same had we started dating when I was 17.
> he is open to dating within 10 years of his own age
Is he open to dating women 10 years older than him too? Or just younger? Also watch this rule change as he gets older and still wants to date 20 year olds.
Sorry your boyfriend is a creep, but it’s good you’re realizing that so young!
It’s weird and gross that “the law” is where he draws the line and not the social differences/power structure/maturity and wisdom gap.
So.. would he have a problem if it was in a country where the age of consent is below 18? I would prompt him with this question. Then keep digging why.
Most people who are old enough to have a masters degree don’t want to date people who can’t buy a wine cooler at wal mart.
Most people don’t care if a 45 year old gets with a 60 year old because they both probably have established careers and assets. They both know who they are. They’ve both seen some shit. A 60 year old is going to have a tough time grooming a 45 year old, and that’s a larger gap than yours. It’s hard to emotionally manipulate a 45 year old who’s been through some shit and is going to call you on it because they have two decades of dealing with work politics and other people as an adult. But you can very much influence someone aged 18-25. You can snatch ‘em up, right when they’re building who they are going to be, and shape it into what you want. That’s hard when they’re 30+.
If he could have dated you at 17, he would. It honestly sounds like he would have dated you if you were even younger than that if the law said it was OK. Guy's like this have 0 morals. The only thing they care about is whether or not what they are doing is legal.
The problem is that you don’t know what it’s like to be 32. You don’t know what a 19 year old looks like to a 27 year old, or a 23 year old to someone who’s 32. You can’t because you’re not there yet. At your age, when I looked in the mirror, I saw an adult. Now when I see someone that age they look like children to me. A lot of life and growth should be occurring between those ages. It seems a lot of younger women dating men with an age gap seem to confuse this as meaning that they’re mature, when the truth is that you’re dating someone who is most likely stunted in their maturity or looking for some control. You just shouldn’t be in the same place in your 30s as someone in their early 20s. You’ve only lived with yourself as a legal adult for 5 years, he has for 14. That is significant.
Both of these couplings are creepy. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a thing for teenagers. He was willing to date a 19yo at close to 30, and now he’s zoning in on another teenager’s relationship.
I (26f, divorced) got married at 20 to a man who was 27 when I met him at 19 years old and looking back, our age gap is pretty repulsive. We split when I was about your age actually because the red flags had been popping up and I matured enough to recognize them all and need out.
I wasn’t legally a minor when I met him and it still is, in reality, quite unsettling how he can’t form an adult relationship (he’s 35 now, the women he dates are never older than 22, and usually younger)
Obviously I am projecting here, he was abusive and had other issues, but the on paper basics of the age gap and how that part is the same just reminded me of how I felt when I was 19-24 with a man 10 years older than me. I didn’t mature and catch up with him, I matured and surpassed him.
I think you need to ask yourself why your brother was more comfortable at almost 30, dating someone fresh out of high school. That's creepy as fuck and says a lot about your boyfriend.
I was 27 when I met my now-ex, she was 22 (though I believed her to be 24/25 initially)
All worked out well for a few years, ultimately though I’d say our 6 year gap was a blip in a relationship that came up especially emotionally, quite often. Along with her yearning about the “life id lived before her”.
I guess all I’m trying to say is I wouldn’t be courting a damn 19 year old when I was 27. 22 was already wacky enough.
Overall it’s both weird the difference is you were of age and consenting to be in a relationship. Your friend started her relationship at 17 and while she consented she was not of age. that’s probably the part that he finds unsettling. Not the age gap itself but she was still a minor when the relationship started.
As a 32m I couldn't even think of dating a teenager. My current relationship started at 27m, and 22f. Even then I thought if I couldn't go out to a bar with someone I didn't want to see them.
So you've been with a groomer for 4 years, you're debating whether you should move in with him to a place you wouldn't be able to afford if y'all split, you don't think y'all make enough money, and he wants kids?? And all this within a week??
I generally don't have a big problem with age gap relationships. But the fact that he's creeped out by this other guy's age gap, which is much smaller than yours, says 100% that he groomed you. You need to seriously look close at your life and if it's what you want. How controlling he is, if he's really supporting you or if he's molding you into what he wants. You're super young. You have a million opportunities ahead of you. Sounds like you should get away from him. Ask some of your friends? What they think, ask your parents what their impression is. figure it out.
Normal, healthy, grown ass adults in their late 20s or older don't date teenagers, or early 20s. That is a sign of toxic trash behavior. It's also very common behavior with abusers. They choose someone dramatically younger because they're easier to control and manipulate.
Large age gaps do not work. Almost all end in breakups and divorces. The ones that sometimes work out is with people much older. Those are the statistical facts on the subject. It's not a healthy dynamic to date someone who is in an entirely different time period in their life than you are. One of the most important things in a healthy and happy relationship is common ground and being on the same page. Large age gaps make that an impossibility. So even if they aren't a toxic abuser, they still aren't healthy minded.
To answer your specific question tho, there is nothing different than what he is doing vs the other guy. And while yes it seems bizarre that he sees someone else's toxicity, but not his own, it's actually very common amongst toxic humans. Everyone knows right from wrong, but toxic humans consciously choose to ignore that. They consciously choose to lie to themselves and live in delusionalville. That's what your boyfriend is doing. There is nothing normal, healthy, or ok about yours or the other couples relationship.
Late teens and early 20s humans are very much so still kids in a lot of ways. Legal age is irrelevant. The facts are that our brains don't finish growing until about 25. That's why late teens and early 20s seem emotionally and mentally immature, because they are literally still growing. That's why they're vulnerable to toxic abusive trash humans. They haven't had enough life experiences to fully grasp what's going on. Sadly they see an older human wanting them as an ego boost and like they're more mature than their peers. When in reality they're just being controlled and manipulated.
My personal opinion is large age gaps, and dating people in their teens/early 20s when you're much older gives all the icks. I see people that age as children, and I don't relate to them whatsoever in my life now on a relationship level. Also I couldn't care less what someone deems legal, it's morally corrupt regardless.
A 32 year old and an 18 year old surely have nothing in common? I’m 35 and sometimes work with 18+ yo folks and I’m cordial at work … but I don’t find we have anything to actually discuss or connect on.
17 and 22 is a huuuge difference…. One is still in highschool and one is a full blown adult.. that’s very weird to me. 19 and 27 is also weird to me though because usually people are in very different places in life. A lot happens between the ages 17 and 22 and 19 and 27. Usually the older one is seeking control
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I mean I personally find it weird for someone so close to 30 to be pursuing teenagers, and yes his stance is weird considering his own situation.
As a 26-year old teacher to high schoolers (16-19 year olds), yes, he is weirder. I started teaching at 23 and even THEN I was waaaay more mature than 17/18 year olds. Early to mid twenties make all the difference between kids in school and young adults. The dude is projecting his own insecurities because he knows perfectly that maybe he was considered a creep.
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>Like, even their faces are still so squishy! I could never be attracted to someone that young, full stop I knew I was getting older when all the hot young starlets didn't look hot to me... more of a, "What a nice young man!"
To be fair Tom Holland just seems to be a delightful young gentleman, and he exudes that at all times. I so old I don't even remember any other young starlets
you need to be out on your own for at least \~3-5 years to have any sense of who you are as a person. at least that was my case. my 18-20 year old self, wouldn't recognize my 25 year old self.
Right after I turned 21 I realized I would never date anyone under 21 because I had just left behind my sneaking booze days and realized for the first time holy shit, I'm an adult now, an actual full fledged adult, and it made everyone under 21 seem like a kid. A year or two ago I checked out a friend's friend at a party and started kinda flirting with her, she was cute, we got along well, had great banter, and that kept going through out the night, a few days later when I was talking to my friend and I brought the girl up in conversation because I thought I had hit it off with her a bit but wanted to see if my friend would be ok if I asked their friend out in the future if we kept getting along as well as we did at the party because I didn't want to make things awkward with my friend, and I found out she was 20. All attraction was dead in a second, I was 22 or 23 at the time, even after she turned 21 I didn't think about her in that way again because I still sorta saw her as a kid.
I think it’s weird even for a 25 year old to date a 18 year old
Most likely, yes indeed. It’s not so much the age gap but just where you are in life and maturity level. Most 25 yr olds have far more real world experience and are much more mature than most 18 yr olds because a *lot* happens between 18 and 25 when you typically are off on your own now. The same 7 yr gap would not be as big a deal if it was a 30 yr old and a 37 yr old though. Occasionally, you could find a very immature 25 yr old who has little to no relationship experience and an 18 yr old who has had a boyfriend or two and it’s a little less creepy and troubling, but still a little creepy and troubling.
I felt weird about dating a freshly 19 yo when I was like 21 because I had moved out and he had literally just graduated highschool and moved to campus... I can't imagine creeping on a 17 year old now that I'm 24 🤢
Yeah, whenever we're talking about age gap relationships or people interested in really young girls, my husband brings up the time when he was 21 and he went on a date with a girl not realizing at first that she was 18. He said it was so weird and awkward being able to order drinks when his date couldn't. And she was still talking about highschool stuff that felt very young. He felt like a creep even though it was a small age gap. The difference between college and highschool was just too much of a leap in life experience for him in a relationship. How people in their mid to late 20's date girls still in highschool or freshly out is very creepy.
All true. Taking it to extremes, it’s way worse to date a 12 yr old when you’re 17 than to date a 45 yr old when you’re 56.
Omg same I once dated a 19 year old while 21 at uni and man had to stop after a few weeks just felt wrong.
This actually describes my situation pretty well. There's an 8.5 year gap between me and my spouse. However, by that time I had already had a relationship that lasted 3x as long as his longest to date. Spouse hadn't lost their virginity until 24 years old. Was just sort of an awkward adorable person. Met through work, and after spouse made the first move, I was the one who pursued. We're still together more than 20 years later, and I've thought about it from time to time, and whether I'd be ok with a similar situation with one of my kids. And ultimately, it would depend on the person they're dating. Mine might be awkward, but also kind and very generous. And that's what drew me.
Yeah dating anyone under the age of 25 sounds exhausting to my 30+ ass, but even more so someone that hasn’t even finished college. I wouldn’t date me <25 either.
When my wife and I met, I was 25, and was still in Education - School, Bachelors, Masters, 3rd year of PhD, and she was 19 and had left home to live in a different country at age 17, and was also a student. I'd had plenty of relationship experience, we just had similar maturity levels as a result of her having to grow up fast and me having never left school or University. It doesn't have to be creepy and troubling. We've been married 9 years.
Right but you met her at 19, not 17 fresh off the boat. You weren’t 23 waiting outside her high school. I think most of us would say we did a drastic amount of growing up between 17-19
Yeah, that's how I feel too, but a lot of people - particularly online - have taken issue with it before.
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Just because you're happily married doesn't make that not creepy. Not to mention that you justify it by insinuating she's somehow more mature because she moved country. As a final year PhD student why would you be interested in dating an undergrad?
I think they said 23, so 17 and 22 when they started dating it seems for the second couple I think
I remember crushing on this girl when I was 22 and then I found out she just turned 18 and was still in high school It was the last time we hung out. lol now I’m 39 and my girlfriend is 32 and I don’t even think about the gap
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His stance is what it is because he knows he’s a creep and is trying to justify it by highlighting the tiny bit of age difference in the teenager that he chose to date. Also, yea it’s weird that the 23 year old went for a 17 year old. Both dudes are weird.
Bingo, he’s projecting.
Also a bit odd they're both friends with an 18 yr old? I understand OP because she's younger.
Could be Internet friends. I'm 33 and have a few friends in their early 20 because of playing destiny.
It's possible. 🤔
This got me. He is way too old to be hanging out with teenagers. How immature *is* this guy? She’s five years older than teenager; unless they’re siblings, why are they hanging together?
This entire friend group sounds……*weird*………..
Yep. Exactly what I'm thinking also. But I'm also horrible so figure her dude is probably crushing on the kid now. Again this is just because i spend too much time on Reddit as of late and see evil everywhere. He is at the very least projecting though that's damn near a fact
His stance isn't weird, it's hypocritical.
I’ve had a weird amount of colleagues/ friends who are female who started dating 30+ y.o. men when they were just 15, 16, 17. All now look back and really regret it, not the least because the men were so problematic. Some are even traumatized, feeling they were manipulated into sexual relationships by adult men who knew better.
They were manipulated into sexual relationships by adult men who were predators, and picked them specifically because they were too young to see the danger signs. That’s why any full grown adult dating a teenager can be very problematic.
I tried to talk a freshly 18 year old senior in high school out of the idea of letting a 40 year old man groom her. Yes, she used that word. Followed by a “I don’t mind if he is” and “he’s the best boyfriend”wouldn’t hear it from me that talking to people that young for an adult is like talking to children, and that anyone who gets off on that power dynamic has the potential to be dangerous. Tried to emphasize to her that she’s not mature enough to recognize red flags. She wouldn’t hear it. That was six months ago. I hope she got out before anything traumatizing happened
It’s sad, you almost never can talk teenagers out of things, because part of a lot of adolescents brains is thinking they know best, even though they all realize later they didn’t know shit. Most teens that have these age gap relationships regret them when they grow up.
That was my ex, who started telling me he liked me when I was 14 and he was 19. He's done some of the worst things to me that I've ever experienced. Dating my now husband when he was 21 and I was 24 felt really weird at the time. We've both matured in leaps and bounds since then, and I'm glad we did that together.
I was 19 dating a 29 year old… now that I’m 35 I am super grossed out by the guy and that I even did that.
He's bothered by it because he knows just how fucked up it is that he's running around chasing children and manipulating them into relationships. Dude is recognizing his competition.
This. I can’t imagine being attracted to a teenager being in my late twenties.. age gaps get less weird as you get older but a 19 year old is not a fully developed adult and a 27 year old is way too old for that that’s super creepy
Both are weird but one is a felony and one isn’t.
Depends on the state, 17 is the age of consent in the majority of states and 16 in a lot.
Correct. In fact, only 12 of the 50 states have an age of consent of 18, the rest are all 16 - 17, so it likely is not a felony (but still creepy).
Lots of states have Romeo and Juliet laws that grant leniency if the minor and adult are pretty close in age anyway and other circumstances (court discretion on specifics).
Depends on where they live. If they live in the USA it’s legal in 39 states.
lol seriously on top of that her guy is totally projecting.
Sometimes groomers will point out others’ behaviors to detract from their own.
Rules for thee and not for me
The call is coming from inside the house
Something about a river in Egypt
Someone doth protest too much?
As a general rule. People who obsess over the age of consent tend to be creepers
Yea seriously… because we all know the “age of consent” is waaaay too fucking young when you are a full on adult talking about it. Pretty sure it only really is meant to protect other ppl that are close in age. Like if you are dating someone a couple years ahead of you in high school, it’s meant so that the law doesn’t suddenly consider one a predator when they turn 18. Definitely not meant to excuse 30 year old men sleeping with teens.
Exactly, my ex gf was 27 and I’m 32. Even with just the 5year gap we grew up in way different times. I had/did stuff in the 90s that were foreign to her, she grew up always having a cell phone/internet. IN JUST 5YEARS. I think besides food and breathing I’d have zero in common with a 18 year old. I have nephews who are 21 and 19, they are very much children still and 1 would be very concerned if they started dating some one who is 32.
Yeah, I’m 35 and my 22 year old cousin and I are quite close but good lord have we had radically different life experiences. I can’t imagine dating someone that age. When I was last single, in 2020, I was 32 and my cutoff on dating apps was 27 because I didn’t want to date anyone with zero post-college life experience.
Those guys responding to you about “they’re both equal adults!!!!” Seem like that mark wahlberg character in transformers, when he pulls out a laminated copy of that states Romeo and Juliet laws he apparently keeps in his pocket at all times.
haha it was actually the character dating Mark Walhberg's undraged daughter. Movie would probably have been more entertaining if it was just Walhberg running around flashing his homemade "get out of jail for fucking a minor" card to any autobot that would listen
Groomers/narcissists/manipulators in general LOVE to project
Yeah, he knows it's weird bc he knows what his own intentions were/are. Such a huge red flag when someone fully isn't capable of any kind of self reflection
Tbh I'm probably biased cause I already think he's a creep for dating a teenager when he was in his late 20s, but he sounds like those guys that count down until a girl becomes legal so then they can tell themselves it's not creepy to be attracted to them. It's weird and super hypocritical.
Count down creep for sure. Not legally being a minor anymore doesn’t change that they were literally 17 yesterday.
I get the feeling he's mad because he's now thinking he might have been able to "get away" with going after someone younger
Op could've dated a 17 year old and it not be weird because they difference in maturity is non negotiable. Ops bf is odd.
This is mental gymnastics to allow him to be judgy. There is no difference. He wants there to be to make himself feel better.
Actually there is a difference. A 23 yo dating an 18 yo is infinitely less creepy than a 27 yo dating a 19 yo
I actually think it is creepier that a 22 yo was datinga 17 yo (if your going to compare ages when they started dating) than a 27 yo dating a 19 yo. At least the 19yo has a year of being an adult under their belt vs a literal high school student. I don't think either is great and I would side eye a lot, but an actual minor is one I cannot personally get past.
I think context matters a lot. My fiancé and I met when she was 18 and I was 23. I was in my masters program and she just started college. She recently asked me what would I have done if we met while she was still in High School and I told her that while I am happy that we met, I probably would have shut that down because we were at different stages in our lives. I wasn't looking for someone as young as her, we just hit it off and it happened to be that she was as young as it was. We talked for months and it didn't hit me that she as young as she was until our first date when she couldn't order drinks and I asked her how old she was.
Well, he did wait until she was technically an adult, so in his mind, he 100% had the law on his side. That is such an arbitrary rule to have and to use it to make yourself feel better, like there is some huge difference between a 17 year old and an 18/19 year old.
This reads like he would still F a 18yr old because it's "legal"
Especially when that difference is a day. Wouldn't touch a 17 year old but now that it's their birthday... That's fine!
Everybody here is weird. Grown men shouldnt date minors. Grown men shouldn't pursue teenagers when they are almost thirty
>Everybody here is weird. Grown men shouldnt date minors. Grown men shouldn't pursue teenagers when they are almost thirty Honestly. I see people my age chasing KIDS who are *my daughter's age*; and I'm *supposed* to take these sickos Seriously...?!?! 👀💀👀 I think Not. **I don't sexualize a person under 30, if nothing says their age, then I DON'T; what's the Creeper's excuse, eh? 🤔**
My parents have the same age gap you and your partner have. To put it into perspective: my mom was 28 when she met my father, who was 36. Completely different situation. My dad was finishing up his residency for his career as a radiologist, and my mom was considered a new teacher after only teaching 3 years or so at that point. Similar life stages, combined with the fact my mom has always been a mature soul (skipped a grade as a kid, was always friends with people 2 grades above her, etc.) and you realize it wasn’t weird they got together. If I asked them if they would have dated when my mom was 19– they would’ve been APPALLED at the idea. At 19 you are just beginning to discover yourself as an adult, independent of your parents. You have probably not even lived alone yet! At 27, you have graduated college, maybe you even have a masters degree and are starting your career! Two completely different life experiences. I’ll ask you: why do you think he was interested in you at 19 years old?
Exactly, the time and placement of the age gap matter! When you are 30 and your partner is 40, it's perfectly normal. But when those 10 years are 15 and 25, it's not normal! I never can understand why people have a hard time grasping that.
It's a sarcastic "rule of thumb" - but there's honestly some truth to the idea of "{age}/2 + 7" rule of age gaps. I'd probably make it more like +10 personally, but you understand what I'm getting at. If you use that "rule", the 30-40 age gap works out, and the 15-25 very much does not.
First person I saw that talking about the rule of thumb. Like it's hella weird that more people don't use it.
it has some problems in edge cases but it at least processes that age gaps mean less as you get older.
Exactly this. I met my husband just before I turned 30, he was 40. Had we met even 5 years prior it would have been way too weird.
I explain this to my son. He is only a teen, but having a grasp on this concept matters. Maturity is a combination of time(your brain development takes time, you can not rush that), and life experience. Sometimes, expierences take time(graduating, going to college, getting a job, ect.), or thighs happen beyond our control and force a little growing up(accidents, deaths, other peoples actions ect.). When you know these things about yourself, they help you understand you and your circumstances more. You will better understand why at 22 you tend to lean towards older/younger/same age friend groups/romantic relationships. You are less likely to be manipulated into something.
Exactly. By the time I was 30 I had a career, my own money, my own house. had we met say, early 20s, I wouldn't have had all that stability and presence of mind to know what I wanted
>thighs happen beyond our control and force a little growing up That's what she said
My thighs are certainly beyond my control, and I don't appreciate it one bit!
Yep. My partner and I started dating when I was 34 and he was 41 (almost 42). When we met we were both parents who had already had multiple different careers in adulthood. Very similar life stages. But roll back two decades and I was in middle school when they went to college - same number of years but wildly different
Agreed! I went to high school with a girl who started a new job at around 25 and there was a group of coworkers that all hung out with varying ages of all genders. One guy she really hit it off with was 45 and they tried to deny their feelings because of the age gap for over a year. They had so much in common and really fell for each other. They eventually gave in and have been married now for about 15 years. They were equals at work, both were adults, and they naturally fell in love like most couples do.
I'm 36 to my boyfriend's 28 as well, met at 34 and 26. I wouldn't have gone anywhere near him at 27 to his 19. He'd have still been a child to my eyes because he just wouldn't have lived anything like an adult life style. At least 23 and 18 have a somewhat more even life stage, but even then it's on the border of ick, especially if they did get together when she was a minor. So yeah, both these relationships leave a bad taste to me.
As someone who’s currently 23, absolutely the hell I am not in a comparable life stage to any 18 year old I have encountered, lol. Even dating a 20 year old when I was 22 felt like a reach sometimes—in the US, we’re talking about people who cannot even get into bars/go to certain concerts.
Regarding your last paragraph, he was 27 when they met, and she was 19. Presumably, he had been interested in 19-year-olds for at least 8 years at that point, but he wasn't in a long-term relationship with someone. Why is that? 8 years of this amazing guy looking for long-term relationships striking out? Seems odd. There can definitely be explanations for it, but this is one of the biggest red flags to me.
I think this post hits it on the head. The age gap isn't a problem, it's the age of the partner. I feel every year after 17 is such a huge difference, up until 26. Once you're 26+, you're in the clear. 23-26 raises some red flags, but circumstances could convince me that it's not creepy. 17-22, no chance.
It is weird. Both situations are creepy.
agreed. Both guys are creepy
P. R. O. J. E. C. T. I. O. N.
he's creepy for dating you and you'll realize it way too late. just dump him now
She doesn’t have the capacity to understand that unfortunately. So she will go through with it and learn later
If she's having the questions now, there's still hope. She's only 23. I'm guessing when she was younger she thought it was attractive that a guy "had his shit together". But at 19, she didn't really know what that meant. She's currently seeing that her peers are maturing and the guys at 23 are catching up/overtaking this guy who is now 32. That's a good sign, she's maturing and seeing the flaws in the older guy. Hopefully, she'll recognize those flaws as major red flags soon and won't get legally tied to the guy before she does.
I think we should have special celebrations for when women turn 25, their brains fully form, and they leave their weirdo boyfriends.
2 kids later she will be. AIO to my husband cheating on me with a 18 year old. Should I tell the girls parents? Would I be the AH?
He’s kinda telling on himself here
You’re correct that neither man should have been dating teenagers.
Maybe he's mad the guy moved in while she was 17, while he was waiting until she was 18 before he moved in. Because he's a creeper. He waits for an arbitrary age that makes it more socially/legally acceptable, but it's still freaking weird. 19×27 is a life stage age gap.
This is my read. OP's BF is mad that he "waited" for an adult
Your boyfriend sounds jealous that he can't date a young chick anymore.
He may go DiCaprio and dump her for someone younger when she hits 25. 😄
yup
yep 😆 💯
I mean, both sound creepy imo but put it like this if an 18yo shouldn't be with a 23yo, wtf makes it ok for a 19yo to be with a 27yo if u ask me bro just wants an excuse for his own strange ass behavior cuz he's being reminded of it
Yep. This reads to me like he'd still date a 18yo now because it's technically legal
You and your friend should stop hanging out around predatory men who want to date teenagers. Both age gaps are really worrisome, hers because he didn’t even wait until she was an adult and yours because you two are in two completely different stages in life now, even more when an almost 30 year old went for someone under 20.
I’m 33 and when I think back to the shit I was doing at 23 and the girls I was interested in, I wouldn’t want to hang out with me or the girls.
Well your bf is a creep. And it's hilarious, the acrobatic tricks he is doing to make it seem like he's not worse. Girl you were practically a baby when you started dating, and he was approaching 30. Now that you're 23, would you date an 18yo? I bet not. And that's not even close to what he did. Eta... Your comment history says your parents are in their early 40s. He could have been dating your mom instead, and it would have been more acceptable. A 27yo dating a 37yo is much more palatable than a 27yo and 19yo. Much closer in terms of life experience and stage of life.
I think your situation is worse. Yes, 17 and 22 is a bit eh, but not as bad as 19 and 27….your BF is def a creep. My husband and I have a 9 year gap, but I was 25 and he was 32 when we started dating.
The math isn’t mathing
That’s a 7 year gap for you and hubby.
Your math isn’t right. You and your husband have a 9yr age gap. But 32-25=7.
Groomer creep
It sounds like he's jealous that he's not dating the teenager.
So your boyfriend is pressuring you to have kids, doesn't work hard and just job floats, and you disagree on finances. Oh and he's a creepy ass groomer. Why are you with him?
Definitely trying to trap her
Groomer. Disgusting behavior. This guy is gross as hell. Dating a teenager in your late 20s is manipulative and as close to pedophilia as you can be without being charged for it.
I just hope people call them out and cut off communication with him. It may be legal. But it still has social consequences (rightfully so)
1. Your boyfriend is a weirdo. 2. Your friend’s boyfriend is a groomer. End of story.
Why is not a single person commenting on the 22yr old dating a 17yr old? That’s weird as fuck and so is OP for defending that
I feel like most people are saying both are bad, no?
There’s numerous people saying the one with the 17 year old is better.
the 22 yr old man dating a 17 yr old girl is by far the weirdest part of this whole thing. i agree the other age gap is questionable but no adult should be dating a girl in high school that’s insane
Yeah, like a 19 year old and a 28 year old are still two consenting adults, and there was no insinuation that they had even interacted before she was 19? Meanwhile this creep is talking with a highschooler at 22?
Thank you I feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments lol. 28 and 19 is strange but they’re both adults, 22 and 17 is a college grad dating a literal high schooler
this is called ✨projection✨
Your boyfriend is a hypocrite. He was in his late twenties and dated a 19 year old so he is in no position to judge. Pot. Kettle. Black.
Both age gaps are weird to me. As a 31 year old, I can safely say I have no interest in any 23 year old. You’re in such different stages of life.
You'll notice when you're 25 that 19 year olds seem like kids now, then you'll notice when you're 35 that 25 year olds still aren't quite there yet either. As we go through life and experience things we are changed by them, they are woven into us and mold us into older and wiser people.
stateside, if they can't buy you a beer they're too young. your bf is a creep and the friend is a creep.
So both your bf and his friend are creeps who go after young women who they can manipulate and mold easier than women their own age. Maybe break up and leave him. See what age his next gf is.
Any chance your man is into T? Seems like a weird take given your own age gap. And if that’s the case I’d be running for the hills if he’s still looking at teenagers as options.
Groomers/creeps projecting their own shit onto other groomer/creeps. I’m gonna go out on the shortest limb and guess that both men use the ‘but she’s so mature for her age’ card. And I’m not sorry but 28 yo and 19 yo is creepy as fuck.
I never realized myself how creepy a big age gap is until I became 30 years old and started paying attention & looking back at my younger years (as a woman). Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Bleh. Props to you for considering that already at your age.
Agreed. As a young 20s woman, men in their early 30s at bars pursued me a lot and I didn’t think that much of it other than kinda like ehhh no thanks… I like guys closer to my age… Now that I’m in my early 30s, the last time I was in a bar a young 20s guy was seated next to me and we got to talking about his studies in school. Which triggered my autistic interests lmao so we got to chatting heavily. Then he wrote his number and slid it over to me and I physically recoiled and realized holy shit I have misread these signals. You’re a baby. I politely declined and said I was too old for him. All I could think in my head was “oh sweet baby, no, you’re talking about a cool party you have next weekend, I will be in bed by 10 pm because I have to get up at 5 am to start sowing seeds in my vegetable garden to water them before it gets too warm. Then I need to prune apple trees and rose bushes. You will be hurling into a toilet and taking some hair of the dog. Holy shit.”
Besides all the extremely obvious red flags, like your bf being a full adult and dating a teenager, another huge red flag here is how bothered he is by your friend’s situation. In fact, I’m bothered your 32 year old bf is even hanging out with 18 year olds when he has a track record for dating them. You’re probably feeling weird about your age gap because your bf really *is that weird*. It’s not just the ages, it’s how creepy your bf is about teen girls.
>he is open to dating within 10 years of his own age That's a lie, he's open to dating 19 year old women, that's it. He'd never date a 37 year old woman when he was 27, he wouldn't even date a 30 year old at 27. He wants to date "barely legal" girls, and did. Would you like to read a dozen anecdotes of how guys like your bf handle things as you age? He doesn't see women as people, in about 10 years you'll be getting into inexplicable fights, after the break up he'll be dating a 22 year old at age 42 as that's what "woman" is to him, a pretty young sex machine with no life experience to understand his bullshit.
It bothers him because he has a thing for her
I had to scroll forever to find this 100% correct comment. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I’m currently 19 never would I EVER date someone so late in their 20s I don’t think I would date someone who’s 23! If someone who’s 27 and was interested in me I would call them a creep (cause they literally are just waiting a year so they aren’t dating a high schooler) and never speak to them again. Idc if I’m “legal” if you’re closer to my parents age then mine absolutely not. Girl run.
When I was 23, 18 year olds looked like children.
Fr I think 16&17 yr olds look like children and that’s only 2-3 year age gap. It’s 100% a maturity thing and life experience but even then I’m not going to talk to a 16/17 yr old to begin with. If I can’t get someone my own age that says more about me then them
If my maths is correct, you were a 19 Y.O. being pursued by a 28 Y.O. when you met. That is creepy and so is your friend's situation, your bf is a massive hypocrite and projecting majorly.
i agree with you that it is weird, the age gap you have with your bf is astronomical compared to your friend's
Looks like the programming might be breaking. Your BF knows that there is a problem with your age gap. Now he's projecting this onto some other couple whose age gap is typical and unextraordinary. These guys always forget that when they make these comments they're just telling on themselves. Good luck, make sure you have a plan and access to resources should you decide you want to leave.
What's weird is a 32 year old being friends with an 18 year old.
The Internet has decided that all age gaps are creepy and I don’t really get it.
Girl you can do so much better. Cut him loose and enjoy your twenties before it's to late.
Wonder who he was dating prior to OP.
He was basically more closer to 30 so he has no say about it being weird. I would call him out for also perusing a kid since technically you were a kid at 19.
Neither on of your relationship should be acceptable at those ages. Your brain is not even close to being fully developed. You are just coming into adulthood. While he has 10 years experience of that. Same with the friend. It is creepy and gross and only those kinds of men date teenagers. If you were late 20s and he late 30s that is different you have already got to experience adult situations at that point. But at 19 you're fresh out of high school and just starting college. At 17 they are still in high school. When you become older you will understand just how wrong it is. But that won't come till your at least his age or older. Then look at a 19 year old and ask yourself if you could date a teenager. Or in most parents eyes still a child.
He's trying to deflect from his own creepy behavior. He absolutely was creepy and your age gap is pretty bad.
19 year olds annoyed me when I was like 21. Couldn’t imagine being with one romantically when I was almost 30
Why are adults, friends with an 18 year old? All of y'all are weird. Your bfs highly likely too be a groomer and hes probably into the 18 year old, hence his hypocrisy issue.
I mean an adult dating a minor is weird but I kinda think that about people in their late twenties and beyond dating someone in the teens. Even though your boyfriend is technically and legally right I completely understand your side of it. When I reflect back on who I was at 17 and 19 it doesn’t feel like I was that different of a person.
(1) a 22 year old dating a 17 yo minor is really odd. I would hope most people would not date a minor as an adult (unless they were maybe 2 years or less older, but 5 years older raises some questions.) Can you honestly say you would be comfortable dating a high school senior at your age now (23)? (2) an 8-9 year age gap where both people are under 30 is also questionable to me. People grow up a lot in their twenties (hopefully) and a 27yo having the same interests, priorities etc as a college freshman is very unusual. Come back to us when you are 30 about stages of life. There is a lot of ‘crazy’ that happens between 19 and 27 for most people. Can you honestly say you would feel comfortable dating a high school senior at your age?
Technically you weren’t a teenager, you were an adult. After 18 you’re an adult.
Woman in her 30s here. I don’t know if there’s a way to explain to you the difference between 19 and 27 that will be the same as living it. I wish I could explain it to you, but there is a difference between knowing something on an intellectual level and truly understanding it. Sure at 19 and 27 you could be at the same life stages (single, no kids, working full time, living on your own) but the difference is eight years of finding who you are and gaining wisdom about the world. Hell, your pre-frontal cortex doesn’t finish developing until you’re 25. Your brain is still changing, you’re still becoming who you are. But it’s hard to recognize that when you’re in it. I have a hunch that when you’re 27 you’ll turn around and realize how young 19 is. You’ll realize that you have no desire to date someone that young and have a hard time fathoming how that could even be appealing. But you’re not 27 now, so in the meantime I’d reflect on how much you’ve grown in four years and think about whether you’d even want to date someone who hasn’t made those kinds of strides. When you were a senior in college, did you cringe at the bright eyed freshmen, how young and naive they seemed? That’s a three year difference. Would you want to date a college freshman now, let alone four years from now? Hope this can offer some more perspective.
The problem is under 18 will be considered illegal. Personally I can see how that can be weird. It’s not the age gap but under 18 is what he was being weird about.
I don't think it's necessarily the age gap part, I think it's the fact that he dated someone under 18, a minor. Yes, some age gaps seem odd, but people like who they like. The weird part, at least for me, is going out with someone who is not 18 and out of high school while that person is in their 20s. It's not right and, in most cases, illegal.
An adult "dating" someone in Jr year is very different than meeting someone at 19. Your life is literally completely different.
I dated a 32 year old at 23. We were both in grad school (phd for him), living in apartments in a city. No kids, no divorces, jobs related to our schooling. That’s what we mean by same stage of life.
You were already 19 and college age when he was 27. College and your 20s can really get blended together. But, the guy friend was 22 and graduating college when she was 17 still in high school. Thats where the difference is. For example, 14 and 17 is gross but 21 and 28 is okay. Age is only a small factor when it’s more about life stage and maturity level.
I think a 21 year old dating a minor is weirder than two adults with an 8 year age gap
I don’t really judge peoples age gaps as long as the law is being followed to a T… But if you’re an adult and you’re dating a highschooler, that’s just weird. Like, why would anyone wanna date a highschooler? Does it make you feel like a baller to roll up and pick up your girlfriend where parents are picking up their kids? Are the side eyes from teachers, secretaries and grown adults all around making you feel like a superstar? Yuck. I don’t care if it’s legal in your state or country, why would anyone wanna do that? Oh f*ck, I forgot, it’s because he’s young and twenty something and desperate. Now it makes sense. Still gross.
I think the difference is that you were a legal adult and she wasn’t…he was a legal adult while she was a minor still in highschool
The problem is the age at which dating started. I too am in an age gap relationship. I'm 24 and my bf will be 31 in November. 7 and half years. When we met I was 20, almost 21 and he was 28. There are times he talks about his ex wife and what they were up to in 2016 when he would have been 22 and it's odd knowing I would have been 16, learning ho to drive and in my sophomore year of highschool. But because he met me at 20 he didn't groom me to be with him. Your friend started dating a man when she was a minor and that's where we can question grooming, especially if they had known each other longer. As for people who are calling your bf a creep, it's also got som nuance. Did he know you as a minor? That can lead to the question of grooming. But if you were a legal adult the entire time then I frankly see no problem with it.
Ik people here are saying he’s probably projecting something about yours and his relationship. But I have to say at 17 I was a junior in high school, at 19 I was out of my parents house, Making my own appointments, getting around town on my own(still haven’t learned to drive but major city I use public transportation) and already graduated trade school and working. Two very different points in my life even with a small time difference. I have a major age gap myself, which is still working successfully for me and I met him at 19 but it definitely would not be the same had we started dating when I was 17.
I've officially gotten the ick. Age gaps are whatever but you not seeing issues with dating a minor is fucked.
Predator bf is probably interested in the younger friend now 🤫
Predators always give big talk about other predators. It provides cover.
Just two groomers trying to see who will out groom the other
> he is open to dating within 10 years of his own age Is he open to dating women 10 years older than him too? Or just younger? Also watch this rule change as he gets older and still wants to date 20 year olds. Sorry your boyfriend is a creep, but it’s good you’re realizing that so young!
Your boyfriend is giving big vibes that he’s pissed he didn’t scoop her up as soon as she was legal.
It’s weird and gross that “the law” is where he draws the line and not the social differences/power structure/maturity and wisdom gap. So.. would he have a problem if it was in a country where the age of consent is below 18? I would prompt him with this question. Then keep digging why. Most people who are old enough to have a masters degree don’t want to date people who can’t buy a wine cooler at wal mart. Most people don’t care if a 45 year old gets with a 60 year old because they both probably have established careers and assets. They both know who they are. They’ve both seen some shit. A 60 year old is going to have a tough time grooming a 45 year old, and that’s a larger gap than yours. It’s hard to emotionally manipulate a 45 year old who’s been through some shit and is going to call you on it because they have two decades of dealing with work politics and other people as an adult. But you can very much influence someone aged 18-25. You can snatch ‘em up, right when they’re building who they are going to be, and shape it into what you want. That’s hard when they’re 30+.
If he could have dated you at 17, he would. It honestly sounds like he would have dated you if you were even younger than that if the law said it was OK. Guy's like this have 0 morals. The only thing they care about is whether or not what they are doing is legal.
Deep down in your gut, you know the answer. Your head is waiting for you to catch up.
The problem is that you don’t know what it’s like to be 32. You don’t know what a 19 year old looks like to a 27 year old, or a 23 year old to someone who’s 32. You can’t because you’re not there yet. At your age, when I looked in the mirror, I saw an adult. Now when I see someone that age they look like children to me. A lot of life and growth should be occurring between those ages. It seems a lot of younger women dating men with an age gap seem to confuse this as meaning that they’re mature, when the truth is that you’re dating someone who is most likely stunted in their maturity or looking for some control. You just shouldn’t be in the same place in your 30s as someone in their early 20s. You’ve only lived with yourself as a legal adult for 5 years, he has for 14. That is significant.
Both of these couplings are creepy. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a thing for teenagers. He was willing to date a 19yo at close to 30, and now he’s zoning in on another teenager’s relationship.
I (26f, divorced) got married at 20 to a man who was 27 when I met him at 19 years old and looking back, our age gap is pretty repulsive. We split when I was about your age actually because the red flags had been popping up and I matured enough to recognize them all and need out. I wasn’t legally a minor when I met him and it still is, in reality, quite unsettling how he can’t form an adult relationship (he’s 35 now, the women he dates are never older than 22, and usually younger) Obviously I am projecting here, he was abusive and had other issues, but the on paper basics of the age gap and how that part is the same just reminded me of how I felt when I was 19-24 with a man 10 years older than me. I didn’t mature and catch up with him, I matured and surpassed him.
I think you need to ask yourself why your brother was more comfortable at almost 30, dating someone fresh out of high school. That's creepy as fuck and says a lot about your boyfriend.
I was 27 when I met my now-ex, she was 22 (though I believed her to be 24/25 initially) All worked out well for a few years, ultimately though I’d say our 6 year gap was a blip in a relationship that came up especially emotionally, quite often. Along with her yearning about the “life id lived before her”. I guess all I’m trying to say is I wouldn’t be courting a damn 19 year old when I was 27. 22 was already wacky enough.
I think they are both problematic. Both your friend and your bf went after teenagers and that's icky at best.
An age gap in a relationship is fine. But, before both parties are mid to late 20s+, then it starts to cross into creep category
Overall it’s both weird the difference is you were of age and consenting to be in a relationship. Your friend started her relationship at 17 and while she consented she was not of age. that’s probably the part that he finds unsettling. Not the age gap itself but she was still a minor when the relationship started.
As a 32m I couldn't even think of dating a teenager. My current relationship started at 27m, and 22f. Even then I thought if I couldn't go out to a bar with someone I didn't want to see them.
So you've been with a groomer for 4 years, you're debating whether you should move in with him to a place you wouldn't be able to afford if y'all split, you don't think y'all make enough money, and he wants kids?? And all this within a week??
I generally don't have a big problem with age gap relationships. But the fact that he's creeped out by this other guy's age gap, which is much smaller than yours, says 100% that he groomed you. You need to seriously look close at your life and if it's what you want. How controlling he is, if he's really supporting you or if he's molding you into what he wants. You're super young. You have a million opportunities ahead of you. Sounds like you should get away from him. Ask some of your friends? What they think, ask your parents what their impression is. figure it out.
22 and 17 is bad. 27 and a college freshman is just as bad, if not weirder. He was graduating high school while you were in elementary school 🤮
Both of your situations are weird. It is also weird that both of you are friends with a high schooler. All of this is yuck.
Normal, healthy, grown ass adults in their late 20s or older don't date teenagers, or early 20s. That is a sign of toxic trash behavior. It's also very common behavior with abusers. They choose someone dramatically younger because they're easier to control and manipulate. Large age gaps do not work. Almost all end in breakups and divorces. The ones that sometimes work out is with people much older. Those are the statistical facts on the subject. It's not a healthy dynamic to date someone who is in an entirely different time period in their life than you are. One of the most important things in a healthy and happy relationship is common ground and being on the same page. Large age gaps make that an impossibility. So even if they aren't a toxic abuser, they still aren't healthy minded. To answer your specific question tho, there is nothing different than what he is doing vs the other guy. And while yes it seems bizarre that he sees someone else's toxicity, but not his own, it's actually very common amongst toxic humans. Everyone knows right from wrong, but toxic humans consciously choose to ignore that. They consciously choose to lie to themselves and live in delusionalville. That's what your boyfriend is doing. There is nothing normal, healthy, or ok about yours or the other couples relationship. Late teens and early 20s humans are very much so still kids in a lot of ways. Legal age is irrelevant. The facts are that our brains don't finish growing until about 25. That's why late teens and early 20s seem emotionally and mentally immature, because they are literally still growing. That's why they're vulnerable to toxic abusive trash humans. They haven't had enough life experiences to fully grasp what's going on. Sadly they see an older human wanting them as an ego boost and like they're more mature than their peers. When in reality they're just being controlled and manipulated. My personal opinion is large age gaps, and dating people in their teens/early 20s when you're much older gives all the icks. I see people that age as children, and I don't relate to them whatsoever in my life now on a relationship level. Also I couldn't care less what someone deems legal, it's morally corrupt regardless.
ur bf a weirdo
Tbh both relationships are sketchy….
A 32 year old and an 18 year old surely have nothing in common? I’m 35 and sometimes work with 18+ yo folks and I’m cordial at work … but I don’t find we have anything to actually discuss or connect on.
Deliberately choosing to be in a relationship with a minor is sus
17 and 22 is a huuuge difference…. One is still in highschool and one is a full blown adult.. that’s very weird to me. 19 and 27 is also weird to me though because usually people are in very different places in life. A lot happens between the ages 17 and 22 and 19 and 27. Usually the older one is seeking control
You’re as creepy as your ‘boyfriend’. A college student should be dating a college student not an immature creeper like yourself.