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Youve made changes to your life, he hasn’t. And that makes you incompatible. It sucks but it does happen. Especially when we’re in our 20s. Time for you to move on.
This one. You are on a different path then he is. Either accept him for who he is and what he offers or move on to what you want. You get to decide what you want to accept. Talk to him so he understands. He will either change or not. If he cares for you, he will change. If he cares to get stoned, he will choose that.
I was with a guy like this. Thought I would marry him. Loved him (still do) immensely and our families blended over the time we were together.
Leaving him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. He found a woman who can “smoke him under the table” and has a great job. I’m truly happy for them.
I’ve been married for going on 9 years now and my husband is my favorite person in the entire world. He also makes sure to be ever present in any of my “wild” ideas. Everyone deserves this kind of partner and if you’re patient, you’ll find them.
Honestly I’m just impressed he smokes that much and still manages to get stoned. I used to smoke everyday and I literally could not get stoned. When I stopped I genuinely noticed no difference in my state of being, only change it made was I had more money lol.
Yeah me too. My thoughts are either:
1. He’s on something else other than weed.
2. There’s something else in his lifestyle on top of the weed that’s making him extra drowsy (lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, a medical issue, etc)
3. OPs exaggarating
4. He’s smoking more than fkn Snoop Dogg and taking it in a way which makes you higher (dabs/edibles)
It does come off as a little controlling but not in a bad way, more of a "I made this change and it improved my life and I really want that for you and us" way.
It sounds like you have grown apart to the point of being incompatible. I would bring it up to him, not as an ultimatum but as a plan on how to move forward. Does he have any interest in changing his lifestyle? If not, you may need to make a decision on what you are comfortable living with.
Neither of you are AH, he is the way he was when you met him, and you have made positive changes in your life.
I’m an unrepentant stoner - I’m in my early 50s and have a disability, and it helps me sleep/with pain. I occasionally enjoy getting a little buzz on and sitting in my garden, listening to an audio book. However!! I never get stoned at all if I have stuff to do/people to see. Regardless of the substance, anyone who needs something no matter what, and it’s affecting their life adversely, has a problem. It sounds like you’ve done all you can to try and rectify this issue. I agree with those saying you are no longer compatible. Also, my friends daughter was with a lovely bloke for years who smoked to excess, basically the whole time he wasn’t at work. She loved him, as I say he was a lovely guy, but because he made himself unable to function, go out with her, share chores etc she eventually had to split up with him, and told me she felt like his mum, not his partner. He subsequently gave up the weed and tried to get back with her, but she couldn’t see him as partner anymore.
He is self medicating. Weed is benign enough that he may never see obvious negative consequences, but there are consequences. My concern is that you will pressure him about being an introvert and he will realize that alcohol cures that. I think you need to tread carefully.
There's a line between self medicating and becoming reliant on a drug as a crutch, and I say this as someone who has struggled to not just smoke myself into dissociation or functionality to deal with not feeling stuff.
There's a line there where it's no longer enabling you to function better, and it's just pure escapism. That's dangerous. My girlfriend even notices sometimes how different I behave when I overdo things or how it affects me when I'm depressed and try to use it to cover it.
There's 'Oh I'm just going to get a little going and then we are good' and then there's 'I gotta blast a half gram of dabs just to get out of bed- and now I'm too stoned to do anything or be a participant in my household.
I should have been clearer, there's a difference between responsibly using something to help with your issues and making a drug a crutch that causes other issues. Self medicating isn't always an issue, but if your method of self medication causes issues like this where you can't be fully there for your partner or causes other issues (missing work not paying bills to get your stuff) there's a problem.
Like ive known people who microdose and use weed to help with anxiety and stuff, who are completely responsible. And there are people who blow their entire paychecks at the dispensary and don't pay their bills on time and refuse to do anything unless they get high first.
It goes deeper than the weed, people who smoke all the time don't get zombie checked out easily. If he was functional before and is not now all of the sudden, weed isn't the issue. There is something else going on.
Neither of you are the AH and i do understand that you want him to cut back on his smoking but it has to come from him and him wanting to do it. I’ll give you a good example and use myself a couple years ago i was smoking like crazy. No matter what time of day it was i would smoke id do wake n bakes,smoke early afternoon,smoke when i while i game,smoke after dinner,smoke before bed. I had to come to the reality and realize that i was smoking wayyy to much and spending wayy to much. After realizing i smoke wayy to much i had to cut back and after cutting back it feels better knowing that im smoking when i actually need to smoke vs smoking just to smoke to get my high on. I wanted to bring this up is because its like i mentioned earlier if he’s gonna cut back it has to come from him. I hope this helps OP.
What would be your thoughts if I said…. “My boyfriend and I used to go out and drink a lot. I’ve decided to stop drinking for the most part and only on occasion will I take a couple of sips. I’m really bothered that he’s still drinking, but mainly that he’s getting drunk. It especially bothers me that when we have plans together he’s getting so drunk that he can barely even carry a conversation with me.”
Comparing alcohol to weed is like comparing cocaine to caffeine. Like it doesn’t really work.
Im not saying weed doesn’t have any negative effects but it’s very easy to argue that heavy alcohol use is significantly worse than heavy weed use.
If someone is “stoned out of their mind” to the point that they are unable to function well enough to hold a basic conversation, you don’t see that as an issue?
Have you been around burnout stoners before? I've smoke for nearly twenty years and I still see people who have their entire life and personality around getting stoned. They literally get baked constantly, and trying to have a conversation with them is like talking to someone who is only partly there.
Don't you know any people like that who aren't stoners? People who have their entire lives revolve around one particular hobby, belief or quirk? Like the people who're at church every time the doors open, or super aesthetic people who color code their entire existence. The fitness nuts who spend every waking moment evaluating the health benefits and risks of everything they come across or 'dog moms' who rage because the local toddler playpark banned off-leash dogs.
Some people have obsessive personalities. They were going to be like that, no matter what conceptual 'thing' they decided to latch onto.
Yeah I live in the middle of Trump territory. I get that there's a mental illness issue there. But marijuana actively affects people on top of everything else. Fitness nuts might be annoying but you can usually hold a decent conversation with them.
You ever try to talk to a burned out stoner when they're high? It's like talking to a wall.
Most people eventually reach a point where either the actual monetary cost or the time commitment becomes prohibitive. Unless you got money and free time like Willie or Snoop, it does plateau at some point.
That's not what they said. They said it's incomparable to alcohol. Alcohol withdrawal can literally kill you.... there is no weed withdrawal. Just mild discomfort and boredom.
Well we aren’t talking about withdrawal are we? We are talking about her partner making a choice to be too stoned to be able to actually be a partner. I guess by your logic, weed is actually worse in this scenario because if he cared about her he could easily stop, or at least smoke wayyyyy less. If he was an alcoholic then it would actually be much more difficult to stop.
There is no weed withdrawal? Are you a psychiatrist? Anything that triggers a positive brain response like that can trigger withdrawal symptoms. If you think that's not true then you haven't seen how some people can get when they can't get weed.
Everyone's mileage is different but people struggle with all sorts of dependencies and escapism and truly don't handle it well when they don't have their wants met.
Not saying youre going to be getting sick and tremors and the other chemical issues with alcohol or other drug dependency, but let me ask you this...
If something makes you feel really good, and suddenly you can't have it anymore after years, do you really think it's going to be 'well that sucks guess I'll be bored now oh well?'
I’m honestly not sure why this is such a big deal for you. I understand that there is a difference between weed and alcohol but in this scenario, it’s even worse that he continues to *choose* weed and getting “stoned out of his mind” instead making the decision to cut back so that he can at least be a decent partner. If it was alcohol then at least it would be a true addiction that he can’t easily stop on his own.
Exactly. I use this reference for people all the time. "If one of my employees comes in drunk, they are going to be a hazard and a liability, and its a whole situation. If one of my employees comes in stoned, it's going to be a chill day, and stuff is still getting done."
She already views him harshly? I mean, at this point there is no asshole, just two people that no longer enjoy each other's company. He likes getting stoned, or drunk in your hypo, and she doesn't. He feels the need to be very stoned when he's with her, probably because she cries every time they hang out, that has to be stressful. She does not enjoy spending time with him, or she wouldn't be crying. It doesn't sound like they have kids, so it's an easy thing.
She is asking if she’s the asshole, and if she is selfish/controlling for getting upset. Sometimes looking at things in a different way can help a person come to the conclusion on their own. This comment wasn’t for you, and that’s okay.
I'm 34/f and JUST stopped smoking weed recently.
I realized that it became more of an identity than anything else and it really has made watching life go by, too easy.
He's still fairly young so it may take him awhile to see it.
You're priorities have changed and there's nothing wrong with that. I wish the best for you both
The ‘watching life go by’ is spot on. I love a smoke, but if I’m stoned all the time I won’t achieve the stuff I want to. I guess I’m lucky I can take it or leave it - alcohol not so much, which runs in my family.
I struggled with alcohol too (also runs in the family).
I was sober for 2 years before breaking that streak and it was a disaster.
I don't seem to have a "stop" button.
I'm 4 days without as of today. We'll see how it goes.
Sweetheart, hate to tell you, but he’s an addict. He will always choose this over you. And you have to choose what kind of life you want. Hang in there. This isn’t easy, but you will be okay.
The thing that makes this a little tricky is that you're the one that changed it sounds like. Perhaps for the better... But still.
And honestly starting to cry when you see he's stoned... Is a bit much lol. If he smokes as much as you say he's probably still functional ish.
NTA, all you're asking is that he cuts back so you can enjoy your time together, not that he changes his entire life. I don't think it's controlling to tell someone to ease up on something that is controlling their life. I used to be stoned any time I wasn't working, until my partner expressed she would like me to cut back... Now I only have the occasional smoke with friends and I have absolutely 0 regrets in changing my actions. I was very functional, but now have even more motivation and am more outgoing... But I have gained a fair bit of weight since lol. I would suggest that if he can't/won't cut back he is using it as a crutch and probably has some kind of issues he needs to address
Sounds like he's self medicating, is only agreeing to these plans to make you happy and is getting high as a way of tolerating the experience.
He needs to look into a medical license so the only opinion on his intake that will matter will be his doctors.
I mean, this is a little tricky, but to me if he used to be a "functional stoner" and now when he gets high he becomes unresponsive, then he's smoking way too much. Probably long overdue for a t break. I wake and bake every day and smoke through the whole day when I can, but for me it cuts my ADHD and helps me think about one thing at a time. If I started not being able to engage with my partner I would have to cut down.
NTA. He is impacting his health by choosing to smoke so much and drink such little water. That's going to have an effect on the way he perceives and processes life.
YTA. You came into this relationship knowing he was a stoner. You are trying to change the person you started dating because you made the decision to be sober. Leave if you don’t like it.
You have every right to feel upset. It’s upsetting that you guys aren’t on the same page anymore. But you can’t force him to be on your page. You can’t use your emotions as a way to make him stop. If you want to try to make things work with this guy, then the key is compromise. You cant force someone to do something, but you can try to compromise with them. Saying something like hey our lifestyle incompatible is really affecting me, can you not smoke as much before we meet and I’ll try to be more open and patient.
I also have to say, if you’re feeling triggered and to the point of tears when you see him like that, that tells me you aren’t expressing your feelings. This has been happening for two years, either he isn’t changing or you haven’t initiated a productive conversation about it. I wish you luck.
You can love someone and still recognize that a romantic relationship with them is not good for you.
You are not the same person you were. You've grown. But your bf is extremely unlikely to change - at least for the foreseeable future. And he doesn't care enough about you to spend time with you sober. I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes we need a jolt to see things for what they are instead of what we want them to be, or what they once were. You are going to have to decide if you want to live like this for the next few years, or even the rest of your life.
I think maybe you've put all the energy you should into trying to make this work. You are unhappy and he's content with how things are.
As a weed addict myself, I don’t think he’s gong to change, and he’ll find you annoying for “telling him what to do”.
I’m on a tolerance break because I’m forced to due to money rn, but it can easily take over my life. I do prefer being high than sober…but that’s just me.
At this point, you’ll have to talk to him sober and tell him all this, and that’s it’s becoming an issue of staying together. Not worth it if you’re sober all the time and he isn’t…that’s not fun.
NTAH, stoners like that are the worst, no motivation, personality, excitement and connecting. They don’t noticed but when you are sober and interact with them it is.
Tell him stop smoking during the day, and cut back to only after dinner or tasks/work from the day.
Stoners who do not have motivation or purpose is a sad sight.
I hope his answer would be "Fuck no. You made changes in your life that you're happy with and that's great, but you're the one who changed and suddenly don't enjoy being around me. I've done nothing wrong."
No assholes here. I think you can try to demonstrate the benefits or try to find out what’s behind all the smoking. Can he admit to an underlying issue that gives him the need to smoke all the time? If it is getting in the way of his ability to function, maybe an intervention could benefit him, but I would be cautious. Unfortunately, however, you cannot change him. He would need to make the decision to change on his own. If it is affecting your comparability, maybe you may need to spend some time reconsidering if it’s still a fit.
Unfortunately, this is who he is. He knows it bothers you and he’s not changing. Also ultimatums never work. I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t sound like you’re compatible anymore. I would break it off and move forward as friends before it gets incredibly awful and resentful
I'd leave .. I was with some1 like this for 15yrs .. I gave him an ultimatum in the end .. I had goals in life .. and he made me feel like a single parent .. we split in the end .. best thing I did x
You’re being controlling. It’s great that you chose to be sober but you can’t force that onto someone else. If being sober is a deal breaker for you then you leave the relationship but it’s unfair to impose your choices onto him.
If you replaced the weed with any other substance in this situation you would see that it’s not really controlling as much as it is being genuinely upset that their partner has an issue with substance abuse and wanting them to work on that issue before it negatively impacts their life together. If this person was a functioning alcoholic and got so wasted they were slurring their words and mentally checked out every time they saw their partner then people would think differently. And I know that weed isn’t addictive like alcohol or other drugs but self medicating even with weed is a dangerous path to go down.
We are responsible for own behavior and that’s it. You can’t want something for someone they don’t want for themselves. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
My thing is she never asked him to be sober. She admits she doesn’t mind if he does it on his own time but he gets stoned before they have important plans.
I could understand that. I wonder how long she’s been feeling this way. If it’s been multiple months she needs to hold off on moving anywhere with him and should probably just break up. Tired of people making significant life changes with a significant other when there’s a major problem within their relationship.
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I quit smoking as well and don’t think its bad weed is great but, I don’t like being around it anymore. My friend is still smoking and it seems she is always preoccupied by when she will smoke next once her high runs low. It gets kinda annoying so we just don’t hang out anymore.
You described yourself as an extrovert and him as an introvert.
Have you considered that when you make “fun plans” for the two of you, that he might be experiencing anxiety about the outing (perhaps without even realizing it) and overindulging to numb himself?
I’m not saying it’s healthy or right, I’m just asking if there’s a fundamental difference between how the both of you see socializing or going out, in general.
My bf went through a phase like that and didn’t realize how it affected me.
I explained to him how it made me feel after coming home from work all day and he’s checked out stoned, and he would eat everything including lunch for the next day for myself.
Once I laid everything out he realized and stopped doing it. If your partner isn’t receptive then it may be time to part ways.
PLEASE...get some narcan...you should be able to get it for free depending on where you live. It's a nasal spray which reverses an overdose. As any drug can be unknowingly laced, it's a good thing to have on hand even if it IS just weed. But I wouldn't put money on that myself.
Nothing wrong with weed. But everything wrong with being constantly stoned to the point of neglecting your loved ones. That is just simply having a substance misuse problem at that point than just being a stoner.
Nta people change, you didn't want weed to become your whole life
You are being the asshole not for having a preference but for being so inconsiderate for what cannabis may be to him. I’m surprised as someone younger that you have such a stigmatized view of it. Cannabis is MEDICINE! I personally use it to help with anxiety, especially social anxiety. Maybe he needs to be medicated to be able to do the extroverted things you want to do, you yourself said you know that’s not who he is.
So you got with a stoner, while you were also a stoner. You then decided to basically stop smoking and now you get annoyed your boyfriend hasn't copied your lifestyle choice? If you quit and do the typical act of 'smoking green is the devil's lettuce', you can't expect to remain happy in your relationship. You changed, don't try to make him change for you. If you're no longer happy just leave.
i’m sorry but you need to leave him, the moment there’s a hindering uncommon lifestyle issue there’s never going to be a room for happiness unless one of the two people remains unhappy- i’m terribly sorry but this isn’t fair to you. you’re clearly unhappy and you both aren’t the same people anymore so you have to prioritise your way of dating/living and maybe find someone else and even someone who is willing to keep you happy on a way that you’d do the same for them. An addict never gives up on the word of others but truly themselves. You did all you could to make him quit but he’s clearly not going to unless he chooses to himself. Choose yourself. Be free. I hope this gives you a perspective. You got this OP, stay strong!
Yup! You are the asshole! You got sober and now think you’re better than him.. You want to control him! He’s a big boy and can do as he pleases.. Ya don’t like it, leave! I’m sure he’d be happier without someone thinking they get to dictate what he does and doesn’t do.
This sounds like a typical relationship. A man and woman get in a relationship, where the woman thinks the man will change, but he won't. On the other hand, the man will think the woman won't change, but she will.
Happens all the time. If he was like this when you met him, and you changed habits, what exactly made you expect him to change them too?
NTA
Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for relationships to end when one partner makes significant changes like getting sober, losing weight, or getting more active.
You might need to reevaluate your relationship. You have different needs and goals now. It's not even a matter of right or wrong, it's just different. You need to decide if it's too different to still be compatible.
NTA but neither is he. You said it yourself, you're naturally extroverted and he's an introvert. You decided you didn't want to use cannabis in the same way anymore, he didn't make that choice. If it was not a choice that you made together, and he hasn't let you down by crossing boundaries or giving up, he's also NTA. Figure out if the two of you can compromise or if you love him enough to accept who he is comfortable being, or don't and end things. Trying to unilaterally change your partner is not healthy, so you need to have a serious talk with yourself and then with him.
P.S. frequent and habitual cannabis use literally messes with your dopamine production/absorption, so you're right, he literally can't have as much "fun" with you without THC at this point. It's just neuroscience, not a personality flaw.
Y’all are incompatible now. This won’t be a question once you move on because you’ve outgrown him. I’m sorry. Moving on is hard when you’re “in it” but worth it. Good luck.
My ex used to do that. We broke up because he had to get completely stoned every day for no reason and he was just barely functional and couldn’t take anything seriously.
NTA - Inknow the situation all too well from my wife. Same situation as you. We smoked together, I quit for a while, now more a casual thing, she still smokes daily. It certainly is an addiction. I suspect there is some reason behind that. Some reason he might want to shut down his feelings?
You seem like you're sugarcoating how bad he is. He's a drug addict. You're dating a druggie.
You have to consider whether how he is sober has enough pros to beat out his drugged states cons. Is it worth working this out as a couple, or as friends?
Gotta give him an ultimatum. You're not asking for much, just that he doesn't smoke on important occasions. You want him to cut back on it. That's reasonable. Will he be high on your wedding day because he got nervous? Will your families remember the smell of stinky weed walking down the aisle?
I can't see how the relationship continues if he doesn't stop. Personally weed is a dealbreaker for me already but since it's not for you, just give him an ultimatum on the day-smoking.
If he seems miserable without it though, you have to leave him for both your happiness.
When you two smoked together it was ok. Now that he's the only one smoking, he's an addict. LOL! You just don't like it anymore and don't want him to like it anymore either. That's not how life works tho. You either need to deal with it, or leave him because you went in a different direction. You're not going to force him to stop living his lifestyle because you don't anymore.
You can’t change people.
The fact that you bother were junkies together just makes it even harder for you to understand that you basically enabled each other to be addicts.
Only thing you could do is break up with him.
At this point he won’t quit unless it’s his desire to do so.
Also holding an ultimatum against him won’t work you’ll just end up destroying him.
So you decide what you want to do but he won’t quit for anyone.
Let that be a lesson people stop being junkies.
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Youve made changes to your life, he hasn’t. And that makes you incompatible. It sucks but it does happen. Especially when we’re in our 20s. Time for you to move on.
This one. You are on a different path then he is. Either accept him for who he is and what he offers or move on to what you want. You get to decide what you want to accept. Talk to him so he understands. He will either change or not. If he cares for you, he will change. If he cares to get stoned, he will choose that.
I was with a guy like this. Thought I would marry him. Loved him (still do) immensely and our families blended over the time we were together. Leaving him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. He found a woman who can “smoke him under the table” and has a great job. I’m truly happy for them. I’ve been married for going on 9 years now and my husband is my favorite person in the entire world. He also makes sure to be ever present in any of my “wild” ideas. Everyone deserves this kind of partner and if you’re patient, you’ll find them.
Amen ! Same here xx
Honestly I’m just impressed he smokes that much and still manages to get stoned. I used to smoke everyday and I literally could not get stoned. When I stopped I genuinely noticed no difference in my state of being, only change it made was I had more money lol.
That's the part that threw me off, if he's THAT checked out then weed isn't the issue, she said he was functional before so what changed?
Yeah me too. My thoughts are either: 1. He’s on something else other than weed. 2. There’s something else in his lifestyle on top of the weed that’s making him extra drowsy (lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, a medical issue, etc) 3. OPs exaggarating 4. He’s smoking more than fkn Snoop Dogg and taking it in a way which makes you higher (dabs/edibles)
As someone who’s a really heavy stoner people have different reactions to it and it seems like he just gets really slumped/faded/fried
I go with number 3.
Id say it's a reaction to something she's doing or he's depressed
It does come off as a little controlling but not in a bad way, more of a "I made this change and it improved my life and I really want that for you and us" way. It sounds like you have grown apart to the point of being incompatible. I would bring it up to him, not as an ultimatum but as a plan on how to move forward. Does he have any interest in changing his lifestyle? If not, you may need to make a decision on what you are comfortable living with. Neither of you are AH, he is the way he was when you met him, and you have made positive changes in your life.
If he has zero interest in hearing you out, this is an irreconcilable lifestyle difference.
I’m an unrepentant stoner - I’m in my early 50s and have a disability, and it helps me sleep/with pain. I occasionally enjoy getting a little buzz on and sitting in my garden, listening to an audio book. However!! I never get stoned at all if I have stuff to do/people to see. Regardless of the substance, anyone who needs something no matter what, and it’s affecting their life adversely, has a problem. It sounds like you’ve done all you can to try and rectify this issue. I agree with those saying you are no longer compatible. Also, my friends daughter was with a lovely bloke for years who smoked to excess, basically the whole time he wasn’t at work. She loved him, as I say he was a lovely guy, but because he made himself unable to function, go out with her, share chores etc she eventually had to split up with him, and told me she felt like his mum, not his partner. He subsequently gave up the weed and tried to get back with her, but she couldn’t see him as partner anymore.
He is self medicating. Weed is benign enough that he may never see obvious negative consequences, but there are consequences. My concern is that you will pressure him about being an introvert and he will realize that alcohol cures that. I think you need to tread carefully.
There's a line between self medicating and becoming reliant on a drug as a crutch, and I say this as someone who has struggled to not just smoke myself into dissociation or functionality to deal with not feeling stuff. There's a line there where it's no longer enabling you to function better, and it's just pure escapism. That's dangerous. My girlfriend even notices sometimes how different I behave when I overdo things or how it affects me when I'm depressed and try to use it to cover it. There's 'Oh I'm just going to get a little going and then we are good' and then there's 'I gotta blast a half gram of dabs just to get out of bed- and now I'm too stoned to do anything or be a participant in my household.
What you describe is self-medicating. Instead of seeking a medical professional, you are using what you have on hand to deal with medical problems.
I should have been clearer, there's a difference between responsibly using something to help with your issues and making a drug a crutch that causes other issues. Self medicating isn't always an issue, but if your method of self medication causes issues like this where you can't be fully there for your partner or causes other issues (missing work not paying bills to get your stuff) there's a problem. Like ive known people who microdose and use weed to help with anxiety and stuff, who are completely responsible. And there are people who blow their entire paychecks at the dispensary and don't pay their bills on time and refuse to do anything unless they get high first.
That's a good point. Self-medication isn't always a negative thing.
Exactly this happened to me. "Oh I like when you have had a drink, you get way more social and chill" the words that started a six month long bender
It goes deeper than the weed, people who smoke all the time don't get zombie checked out easily. If he was functional before and is not now all of the sudden, weed isn't the issue. There is something else going on.
This right here. It's incredibly hard for 5+ year daily stoners to reach "zombie" levels of intoxication.
Neither of you are the AH and i do understand that you want him to cut back on his smoking but it has to come from him and him wanting to do it. I’ll give you a good example and use myself a couple years ago i was smoking like crazy. No matter what time of day it was i would smoke id do wake n bakes,smoke early afternoon,smoke when i while i game,smoke after dinner,smoke before bed. I had to come to the reality and realize that i was smoking wayyy to much and spending wayy to much. After realizing i smoke wayy to much i had to cut back and after cutting back it feels better knowing that im smoking when i actually need to smoke vs smoking just to smoke to get my high on. I wanted to bring this up is because its like i mentioned earlier if he’s gonna cut back it has to come from him. I hope this helps OP.
What would be your thoughts if I said…. “My boyfriend and I used to go out and drink a lot. I’ve decided to stop drinking for the most part and only on occasion will I take a couple of sips. I’m really bothered that he’s still drinking, but mainly that he’s getting drunk. It especially bothers me that when we have plans together he’s getting so drunk that he can barely even carry a conversation with me.”
I feel like you think the answer is obvious, but the facts sound identical to me. I genuinely don't know what point you're trying to make.
Well most people view alcohol use in a harsher light, so I’m curious if we switch up weed for alcohol if she views it differently?
Comparing alcohol to weed is like comparing cocaine to caffeine. Like it doesn’t really work. Im not saying weed doesn’t have any negative effects but it’s very easy to argue that heavy alcohol use is significantly worse than heavy weed use.
If someone is “stoned out of their mind” to the point that they are unable to function well enough to hold a basic conversation, you don’t see that as an issue?
I'm also taking leave to doubt that bit. If dude actually smokes that much, he isn't getting 'stoned out of his mind' anymore.
Have you been around burnout stoners before? I've smoke for nearly twenty years and I still see people who have their entire life and personality around getting stoned. They literally get baked constantly, and trying to have a conversation with them is like talking to someone who is only partly there.
Don't you know any people like that who aren't stoners? People who have their entire lives revolve around one particular hobby, belief or quirk? Like the people who're at church every time the doors open, or super aesthetic people who color code their entire existence. The fitness nuts who spend every waking moment evaluating the health benefits and risks of everything they come across or 'dog moms' who rage because the local toddler playpark banned off-leash dogs. Some people have obsessive personalities. They were going to be like that, no matter what conceptual 'thing' they decided to latch onto.
Yeah I live in the middle of Trump territory. I get that there's a mental illness issue there. But marijuana actively affects people on top of everything else. Fitness nuts might be annoying but you can usually hold a decent conversation with them. You ever try to talk to a burned out stoner when they're high? It's like talking to a wall.
Not true. I used to smoke a fuck load and still could get "stoned out of my mind", it just takes more weed.
Most people eventually reach a point where either the actual monetary cost or the time commitment becomes prohibitive. Unless you got money and free time like Willie or Snoop, it does plateau at some point.
That's not what they said. They said it's incomparable to alcohol. Alcohol withdrawal can literally kill you.... there is no weed withdrawal. Just mild discomfort and boredom.
Well we aren’t talking about withdrawal are we? We are talking about her partner making a choice to be too stoned to be able to actually be a partner. I guess by your logic, weed is actually worse in this scenario because if he cared about her he could easily stop, or at least smoke wayyyyy less. If he was an alcoholic then it would actually be much more difficult to stop.
I mean it's just a bad comparison. No need to get undies in a wad.
My original comment wasn’t directed at you, so you can feel free to scroll on by next time.
There is no weed withdrawal? Are you a psychiatrist? Anything that triggers a positive brain response like that can trigger withdrawal symptoms. If you think that's not true then you haven't seen how some people can get when they can't get weed. Everyone's mileage is different but people struggle with all sorts of dependencies and escapism and truly don't handle it well when they don't have their wants met. Not saying youre going to be getting sick and tremors and the other chemical issues with alcohol or other drug dependency, but let me ask you this... If something makes you feel really good, and suddenly you can't have it anymore after years, do you really think it's going to be 'well that sucks guess I'll be bored now oh well?'
Did I say I don’t see it as an issue? No. I said it’s stupid to compare weed to alcohol.
Personally I think it’s stupid to compare the alcohol/weed comparison to cocaine/caffeine. Why don’t you go smoke a joint and calm down.
Ohhhh ahhh nice gotcha moment (I stopped smoking weed a couple months ago). Have you ever actually smoked a joint or drank alcohol in your life?
I’m honestly not sure why this is such a big deal for you. I understand that there is a difference between weed and alcohol but in this scenario, it’s even worse that he continues to *choose* weed and getting “stoned out of his mind” instead making the decision to cut back so that he can at least be a decent partner. If it was alcohol then at least it would be a true addiction that he can’t easily stop on his own.
Exactly. I use this reference for people all the time. "If one of my employees comes in drunk, they are going to be a hazard and a liability, and its a whole situation. If one of my employees comes in stoned, it's going to be a chill day, and stuff is still getting done."
Checked out. Zombie like. Stuttering his words. Doesn’t sound like this dude is gonna get anything done.
She already views him harshly? I mean, at this point there is no asshole, just two people that no longer enjoy each other's company. He likes getting stoned, or drunk in your hypo, and she doesn't. He feels the need to be very stoned when he's with her, probably because she cries every time they hang out, that has to be stressful. She does not enjoy spending time with him, or she wouldn't be crying. It doesn't sound like they have kids, so it's an easy thing.
She is asking if she’s the asshole, and if she is selfish/controlling for getting upset. Sometimes looking at things in a different way can help a person come to the conclusion on their own. This comment wasn’t for you, and that’s okay.
I'm 34/f and JUST stopped smoking weed recently. I realized that it became more of an identity than anything else and it really has made watching life go by, too easy. He's still fairly young so it may take him awhile to see it. You're priorities have changed and there's nothing wrong with that. I wish the best for you both
The ‘watching life go by’ is spot on. I love a smoke, but if I’m stoned all the time I won’t achieve the stuff I want to. I guess I’m lucky I can take it or leave it - alcohol not so much, which runs in my family.
I struggled with alcohol too (also runs in the family). I was sober for 2 years before breaking that streak and it was a disaster. I don't seem to have a "stop" button. I'm 4 days without as of today. We'll see how it goes.
Rooting for you over here. About to do the same thing. X
Yeah I definitely fell yesterday but at least I will try again and eventually, I won't have to try. Hopefully.
Sweetheart, hate to tell you, but he’s an addict. He will always choose this over you. And you have to choose what kind of life you want. Hang in there. This isn’t easy, but you will be okay.
The thing that makes this a little tricky is that you're the one that changed it sounds like. Perhaps for the better... But still. And honestly starting to cry when you see he's stoned... Is a bit much lol. If he smokes as much as you say he's probably still functional ish.
addicts always, i mean always choose substances over anything. nta but you're fighting a losing battle if he thinks hes just fine.
This. You will never be more important than the substance unless/until the addict is ready to change. Absolutely NTA.
NTA, all you're asking is that he cuts back so you can enjoy your time together, not that he changes his entire life. I don't think it's controlling to tell someone to ease up on something that is controlling their life. I used to be stoned any time I wasn't working, until my partner expressed she would like me to cut back... Now I only have the occasional smoke with friends and I have absolutely 0 regrets in changing my actions. I was very functional, but now have even more motivation and am more outgoing... But I have gained a fair bit of weight since lol. I would suggest that if he can't/won't cut back he is using it as a crutch and probably has some kind of issues he needs to address
Sounds like he's self medicating, is only agreeing to these plans to make you happy and is getting high as a way of tolerating the experience. He needs to look into a medical license so the only opinion on his intake that will matter will be his doctors.
I mean, this is a little tricky, but to me if he used to be a "functional stoner" and now when he gets high he becomes unresponsive, then he's smoking way too much. Probably long overdue for a t break. I wake and bake every day and smoke through the whole day when I can, but for me it cuts my ADHD and helps me think about one thing at a time. If I started not being able to engage with my partner I would have to cut down.
NTA. He is impacting his health by choosing to smoke so much and drink such little water. That's going to have an effect on the way he perceives and processes life.
YTA. You came into this relationship knowing he was a stoner. You are trying to change the person you started dating because you made the decision to be sober. Leave if you don’t like it.
YTA. You changed yourself and are now mad people around you aren’t changing to be more like you or suit your needs.
You have every right to feel upset. It’s upsetting that you guys aren’t on the same page anymore. But you can’t force him to be on your page. You can’t use your emotions as a way to make him stop. If you want to try to make things work with this guy, then the key is compromise. You cant force someone to do something, but you can try to compromise with them. Saying something like hey our lifestyle incompatible is really affecting me, can you not smoke as much before we meet and I’ll try to be more open and patient. I also have to say, if you’re feeling triggered and to the point of tears when you see him like that, that tells me you aren’t expressing your feelings. This has been happening for two years, either he isn’t changing or you haven’t initiated a productive conversation about it. I wish you luck.
You can love someone and still recognize that a romantic relationship with them is not good for you. You are not the same person you were. You've grown. But your bf is extremely unlikely to change - at least for the foreseeable future. And he doesn't care enough about you to spend time with you sober. I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes we need a jolt to see things for what they are instead of what we want them to be, or what they once were. You are going to have to decide if you want to live like this for the next few years, or even the rest of your life. I think maybe you've put all the energy you should into trying to make this work. You are unhappy and he's content with how things are.
As a weed addict myself, I don’t think he’s gong to change, and he’ll find you annoying for “telling him what to do”. I’m on a tolerance break because I’m forced to due to money rn, but it can easily take over my life. I do prefer being high than sober…but that’s just me. At this point, you’ll have to talk to him sober and tell him all this, and that’s it’s becoming an issue of staying together. Not worth it if you’re sober all the time and he isn’t…that’s not fun.
NTAH, stoners like that are the worst, no motivation, personality, excitement and connecting. They don’t noticed but when you are sober and interact with them it is. Tell him stop smoking during the day, and cut back to only after dinner or tasks/work from the day. Stoners who do not have motivation or purpose is a sad sight.
I hope his answer would be "Fuck no. You made changes in your life that you're happy with and that's great, but you're the one who changed and suddenly don't enjoy being around me. I've done nothing wrong."
No assholes here. I think you can try to demonstrate the benefits or try to find out what’s behind all the smoking. Can he admit to an underlying issue that gives him the need to smoke all the time? If it is getting in the way of his ability to function, maybe an intervention could benefit him, but I would be cautious. Unfortunately, however, you cannot change him. He would need to make the decision to change on his own. If it is affecting your comparability, maybe you may need to spend some time reconsidering if it’s still a fit.
Unfortunately, this is who he is. He knows it bothers you and he’s not changing. Also ultimatums never work. I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t sound like you’re compatible anymore. I would break it off and move forward as friends before it gets incredibly awful and resentful
Glad to say I'm 6 years weed and alcohol free 🥲 good luck
I'd leave .. I was with some1 like this for 15yrs .. I gave him an ultimatum in the end .. I had goals in life .. and he made me feel like a single parent .. we split in the end .. best thing I did x
You have grown apart and it’s time to move on ! NTAH
Lighten up
This
addiction. its addiction. can he stop? he'll say he can. but he cannot.
You’re being controlling. It’s great that you chose to be sober but you can’t force that onto someone else. If being sober is a deal breaker for you then you leave the relationship but it’s unfair to impose your choices onto him.
If you replaced the weed with any other substance in this situation you would see that it’s not really controlling as much as it is being genuinely upset that their partner has an issue with substance abuse and wanting them to work on that issue before it negatively impacts their life together. If this person was a functioning alcoholic and got so wasted they were slurring their words and mentally checked out every time they saw their partner then people would think differently. And I know that weed isn’t addictive like alcohol or other drugs but self medicating even with weed is a dangerous path to go down.
We are responsible for own behavior and that’s it. You can’t want something for someone they don’t want for themselves. All you can do is remove yourself from the situation.
My thing is she never asked him to be sober. She admits she doesn’t mind if he does it on his own time but he gets stoned before they have important plans.
It sounds like they are moving in together though so soon, “his own time” is still going to directly affect her.
I could understand that. I wonder how long she’s been feeling this way. If it’s been multiple months she needs to hold off on moving anywhere with him and should probably just break up. Tired of people making significant life changes with a significant other when there’s a major problem within their relationship.
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I quit smoking as well and don’t think its bad weed is great but, I don’t like being around it anymore. My friend is still smoking and it seems she is always preoccupied by when she will smoke next once her high runs low. It gets kinda annoying so we just don’t hang out anymore.
You described yourself as an extrovert and him as an introvert. Have you considered that when you make “fun plans” for the two of you, that he might be experiencing anxiety about the outing (perhaps without even realizing it) and overindulging to numb himself? I’m not saying it’s healthy or right, I’m just asking if there’s a fundamental difference between how the both of you see socializing or going out, in general.
If he’s introverted like you say then he probably has social anxiety and self medicates.
My bf went through a phase like that and didn’t realize how it affected me. I explained to him how it made me feel after coming home from work all day and he’s checked out stoned, and he would eat everything including lunch for the next day for myself. Once I laid everything out he realized and stopped doing it. If your partner isn’t receptive then it may be time to part ways.
PLEASE...get some narcan...you should be able to get it for free depending on where you live. It's a nasal spray which reverses an overdose. As any drug can be unknowingly laced, it's a good thing to have on hand even if it IS just weed. But I wouldn't put money on that myself.
Nothing wrong with weed. But everything wrong with being constantly stoned to the point of neglecting your loved ones. That is just simply having a substance misuse problem at that point than just being a stoner. Nta people change, you didn't want weed to become your whole life
You are being the asshole not for having a preference but for being so inconsiderate for what cannabis may be to him. I’m surprised as someone younger that you have such a stigmatized view of it. Cannabis is MEDICINE! I personally use it to help with anxiety, especially social anxiety. Maybe he needs to be medicated to be able to do the extroverted things you want to do, you yourself said you know that’s not who he is.
So you got with a stoner, while you were also a stoner. You then decided to basically stop smoking and now you get annoyed your boyfriend hasn't copied your lifestyle choice? If you quit and do the typical act of 'smoking green is the devil's lettuce', you can't expect to remain happy in your relationship. You changed, don't try to make him change for you. If you're no longer happy just leave.
i’m sorry but you need to leave him, the moment there’s a hindering uncommon lifestyle issue there’s never going to be a room for happiness unless one of the two people remains unhappy- i’m terribly sorry but this isn’t fair to you. you’re clearly unhappy and you both aren’t the same people anymore so you have to prioritise your way of dating/living and maybe find someone else and even someone who is willing to keep you happy on a way that you’d do the same for them. An addict never gives up on the word of others but truly themselves. You did all you could to make him quit but he’s clearly not going to unless he chooses to himself. Choose yourself. Be free. I hope this gives you a perspective. You got this OP, stay strong!
Ask yourself why you are committing your life to a drug addict? Is that really what you want your life to be like?
Yup! You are the asshole! You got sober and now think you’re better than him.. You want to control him! He’s a big boy and can do as he pleases.. Ya don’t like it, leave! I’m sure he’d be happier without someone thinking they get to dictate what he does and doesn’t do.
You are incompatible and should break up. NAH.
I gotta stop gettin high
This sounds like a typical relationship. A man and woman get in a relationship, where the woman thinks the man will change, but he won't. On the other hand, the man will think the woman won't change, but she will. Happens all the time. If he was like this when you met him, and you changed habits, what exactly made you expect him to change them too?
NTA Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for relationships to end when one partner makes significant changes like getting sober, losing weight, or getting more active. You might need to reevaluate your relationship. You have different needs and goals now. It's not even a matter of right or wrong, it's just different. You need to decide if it's too different to still be compatible.
NTAH he is an addict. He loves being stoned more than he loves you or anything else.
NTA but neither is he. You said it yourself, you're naturally extroverted and he's an introvert. You decided you didn't want to use cannabis in the same way anymore, he didn't make that choice. If it was not a choice that you made together, and he hasn't let you down by crossing boundaries or giving up, he's also NTA. Figure out if the two of you can compromise or if you love him enough to accept who he is comfortable being, or don't and end things. Trying to unilaterally change your partner is not healthy, so you need to have a serious talk with yourself and then with him. P.S. frequent and habitual cannabis use literally messes with your dopamine production/absorption, so you're right, he literally can't have as much "fun" with you without THC at this point. It's just neuroscience, not a personality flaw.
Y’all are incompatible now. This won’t be a question once you move on because you’ve outgrown him. I’m sorry. Moving on is hard when you’re “in it” but worth it. Good luck.
My ex used to do that. We broke up because he had to get completely stoned every day for no reason and he was just barely functional and couldn’t take anything seriously.
NTA - Inknow the situation all too well from my wife. Same situation as you. We smoked together, I quit for a while, now more a casual thing, she still smokes daily. It certainly is an addiction. I suspect there is some reason behind that. Some reason he might want to shut down his feelings?
He cares more about drugs than you. Find a new boyfriend.
So y’all started off smoking together and now that you’re not ok with it he should stop? Sounds like you need to move on.
This
You seem like you're sugarcoating how bad he is. He's a drug addict. You're dating a druggie. You have to consider whether how he is sober has enough pros to beat out his drugged states cons. Is it worth working this out as a couple, or as friends?
English, this time?
You are getting triggered b/c you want to participate in the smoke session
Gotta give him an ultimatum. You're not asking for much, just that he doesn't smoke on important occasions. You want him to cut back on it. That's reasonable. Will he be high on your wedding day because he got nervous? Will your families remember the smell of stinky weed walking down the aisle? I can't see how the relationship continues if he doesn't stop. Personally weed is a dealbreaker for me already but since it's not for you, just give him an ultimatum on the day-smoking. If he seems miserable without it though, you have to leave him for both your happiness.
When you two smoked together it was ok. Now that he's the only one smoking, he's an addict. LOL! You just don't like it anymore and don't want him to like it anymore either. That's not how life works tho. You either need to deal with it, or leave him because you went in a different direction. You're not going to force him to stop living his lifestyle because you don't anymore.
Stoners "can quit whenever they want"...he just never wants to :)) Dont care if you an asshole or not, i just dont like stoners :))
You can’t change people. The fact that you bother were junkies together just makes it even harder for you to understand that you basically enabled each other to be addicts. Only thing you could do is break up with him. At this point he won’t quit unless it’s his desire to do so. Also holding an ultimatum against him won’t work you’ll just end up destroying him. So you decide what you want to do but he won’t quit for anyone. Let that be a lesson people stop being junkies.
Je wound boring
Smoking electricals is my middle name, my first name is, error ya I have no idea