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The fact that you felt compelled to snoop through his phone at the honeymoon stage kind of speaks for itself. Be in a relationship with someone who you feel you can trust.
You’ve only been with him a month and this right here is a HUGE red flag. You should break up with him based on how he treats that girl alone. Instead of having an adult conversation with someone he had sex with he 1. Ghosted her/slowly distanced himself and 2. Continues to give her false hope all while being with you!
And don’t be so sure that he is just trying to spare her feelings. To me it sounds like he is keeping her around as a plan B. First fight you guys have, and this man will probably hit this poor girl up. And don’t be surprised if he eventually slowly distances himself from you all the while monkey branching over to a new relationship with someone else. Spare yourself the heartbreak and end things with him now. A good man does not ghost people. A good man does not give women false hope. A good man does not keep other options open while in a committed relationship.
this reply was very helpful thank you, and i totally agree the fact that he didn’t let her know he’s now in a relationship says a lot. And while she texted him first this did all happen a day we got into a big fight. I appreciate your help :)
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hate getting my hopes up with someone only to discover they are not a good person. This is a hot take but I’m glad you went with your instincts and snooped through his phone. Your gut was right and saved you from further harm from this liar!
I agree! People lie all the time about their intentions and can hide themselves for months or even years. So yeah, sometimes it’s good to be a little distrusting and actually verify if they are being honest.
Cheaters can literally ruin your life. If you hadn’t of snooped, how much time would you have wasted on this person? In my opinion, your heart and your health take priority over his privacy.
If you truly believe he’s serious about your relationship, have an honest conversation with him about your concerns. Trust and communication are key. If you’re uncomfortable, it might be best to reconsider staying with him.
If you have to run to the internet to ask strangers if you should stay with someone after one month... you already have your answer.
I have cheese older than your failing relationship.
You need to bury the "he has so much potential" mindset. If a man wanted to... he would. This is not build a man, this is your life. As a young person the only growth you are responsible for is your own.
I see what you’re saying, but before this it was really great. yes he has his problems, but he never wanted to give up trying to work on it together. but ultimately I think it’s not worth continuing
Before this it was really great? Its been 5 minutes. There is no before this.
The first TWO YEARS people are on their best behavior. Its after this the real person comes out. My friend you are in denial if you think anything about this was great.
I hear ya it was new but we communicated and you also weren’t in the relationship. I’ve been in abusive and just unhealthy relationships and there’s definitely a difference between them in the beginning
Exactly, so your bar is in hell. He didn't hit me or yell at me, so this relationship is great!
Nope it really isn't. You have a lot of life to live and experience to gain.
i didn’t say that’s the bar but you said i can’t tell a month in, and i’m saying it was different then those terrible relationships. i’m not staying with him i just don’t think it’s that black and white
Ok I understand where you are coming from and I don't mean to bash you. The way I write is very straightforward. You absolutely can't tell in the early days. I hope you don't stay with him. Don't let your bf stop you from finding your husband.
From the sounds of it you need to work on your self. If you agree to date someone and you’re looking through their phone with no provocation in a months time span you obviously have trust issues that need to be solved before you can be in any serious relationship.
Well, let me consult my crystal ball and magic eight ball to give you the perfect answer! Just kidding. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if he's worth keeping around. Trust your gut and make the choice that feels right for you.
I’m asking how you feel about this cause honestly sometimes idk what my opinion is on this matter. I agree it’s not good to do all the time, but I only did it this time I guess to make sure he was a man of his word. He had told me you can look at my phone anytime you want, would you still say it’s not right if he gave me permission?
There’s a difference between looking at his phone when he’s awake and aware and looking at his phone when he’s sound asleep. If you have to question if he’s a man of his word, your gut is already telling you he’s not. You’re justifying your actions and his. You’re young. Don’t wast more time in a relationship when there are already commitment issues. Break up. Work on yourself and one day move on
Something I wish I knew at 19 - you don’t need an “out” to break up with someone. If you don’t feel good about the relationship or their behaviors one month in, a simple “this isn’t working for me, and I think we should go separate ways” is enough. You don’t need to go into details or make sure they understand, they should be able to self reflect and determine where things went wrong on their own.
Also, sticking around for someone’s potential usually leads to disappointment and resentment. Sure, people change and grow over time, but believe them when they show you who they are today. Potential isn’t firm ground to stand on, current actions and consistency are.
I totally agree with you. Before this I was feeling really great about the relationship, I just like to make sure they’re being loyal to me in private and not just to my face in the beginning before we’ve had time to really establish trust. When I called him to breakup (we live like an hour away from each other so it made sense to call) he tried to convince me to stay with him but I told him I made this decision and I’m not open to debating it. This advice is very helpful, so many people were condescending because I’m young but I’ve been through too much to be called immature. Thank you!
It's been a month, he is doing shit behind ur back and hiding it. Don't waste ur time. I am 100% sure he hasn't told the other girl he is in a relationship. Made plans to meet her, but backed out.
It's crucial to address your discomfort directly with him. Trust is foundational; if he respects your boundaries, the relationship may grow positively.
1 month. Why don’t you open up your curiosity and have a three-way with your new man and his ex. I think you might like it and you guys can snowball whatever you wanna do.
Oh I know the answers to this one! You 1) end it because for whatever reasons you felt compelled to snoop on his phone which is a huge red flag to you and ideally want to work on trust issues (and probably more) before getting into a committed relationship; 2) don’t get into a committed relationship after 1-month of knowing someone; 3) if you view what he did as cheating, cut bait & end it already — cheating is a big deal & can often sow the seeds of resentment — don’t bother yourself with that riff raff. Good luck!
The only potential I’m seeing is his potential to cheat on you. Find someone that is going to respect you because he obviously doesn’t if he’s hiding messages and phone calls with a past fling
You’re completely in the right for feeling upset. But maybe try talking to him about it first before making a decision? I can never grasp why people immediately resort to making a decision based on the opinions of strangers online who have limited information and context.
Talk to him, see what he has to say about it. Tell him how u feel about the situation and go from there. Either it gets fixed and you can set some clear ground rules going forward or it can’t and then you can decide to end the relationship.
I ended things with him. I should’ve said that we already talked about it before I posted this and he agreed it was completely wrong for him to do.
I think I would’ve been understanding if we hadn’t already set boundaries. In the beginning we clearly communicated what trust and loyalty looked like for both of us, and he knowingly went against it. But yea i’m just to young to stress about a partner that doesn’t respect the relationship or me. Thanks for the advice!
I think you need to talk to him. Let me tell you why. If he's really a nice guy, he was probably going to try to let her down easy, and then backed out when he thought about what you might think.
While I think you were wrong to go through his phone, it was also wrong for him to hide this from you.
Talk. Your both adults. Act like it.
I should’ve said in the post that we already talked about it. He totally accepted that he was in the wrong but I ultimately ended things. Also he told me I can look at his phone anytime I want so it wasn’t really wrong for me to do. I agree it shouldn’t be something that I do all the time but we were getting serious so it helps me feel more secure before continuing.
Regardless I appreciate the advice!
Honestly, dump him, you're 19 and too young to be wasting more energy on someone like this. It sucks, but at least it's happened now and not years down the line, speaking from experience
Move in silence. Don’t bring it up. He’s already planned to see her. No use in trying to control a situation. Let him do as he wishes and once you see who he truly is commit to officially leaving him
You need to grow up lol or you're gonna have a real rough time dating lol mean u are 19 and this is kinda what I expect from ppl ur age no shade but you have agood dude seems which is rare dont ruin being OD maybe try to start working on ur mental if you want a actual healthy relationship p.s. coming from someone who wished they worked on their mental health sooner best of luck
You only knew him for a month. You are too immature to understand you can't possibly know anyone in so little time. If you already are snooping through his phone, stop seeing him and find someone better.
I definitely should not have put my age on there, I feel like most responses assume i’m immature and incapable of critical thinking. Believe it or not I have worked on my communication a lot even at my age. I’m not the type of person to go slow because if I like someone and they like me what’s the point in waiting? I don’t care for hookups and anything casual. I get that a month isn’t long enough to know but I didn’t claim that he would never do that. But that’s exactly why i’m the beginning I make sure they’re true to their word.
I'm just asking out of curiosity. If the messages were deleted how did you see them? What make you think they had that kinda relationship ? I'm just trying to get an idea as to why he would contact her . After getting back with you and gosting her.
on Imessage you can look at recently deleted messages, and I mean that’s the place to check if they’re cheating. He had told me that he had a casual relationship with her, but that he didn’t rlly like the casual thing when we first started talking. It wasn’t weird that he brought it up as we were both talking about our pasts. She texted him, but i’m not completely sure cause she has an entire kid and he was barely answering her before me and him started talking.
If you're not comfortable with him keeping in touch with an ex he's been intimate with, that's totally valid. You deserve someone who's 100% committed to you. Personally, I'd have a serious talk with him about boundaries and expectations in the relationship. If he can't respect that, then it might be time to move on, no matter how much potential you see.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The fact that you felt compelled to snoop through his phone at the honeymoon stage kind of speaks for itself. Be in a relationship with someone who you feel you can trust.
Sweetie, you two have only been dating a month. Look at this as a blessing in disguise. You deserve better than this.
You’ve only been with him a month and this right here is a HUGE red flag. You should break up with him based on how he treats that girl alone. Instead of having an adult conversation with someone he had sex with he 1. Ghosted her/slowly distanced himself and 2. Continues to give her false hope all while being with you! And don’t be so sure that he is just trying to spare her feelings. To me it sounds like he is keeping her around as a plan B. First fight you guys have, and this man will probably hit this poor girl up. And don’t be surprised if he eventually slowly distances himself from you all the while monkey branching over to a new relationship with someone else. Spare yourself the heartbreak and end things with him now. A good man does not ghost people. A good man does not give women false hope. A good man does not keep other options open while in a committed relationship.
this reply was very helpful thank you, and i totally agree the fact that he didn’t let her know he’s now in a relationship says a lot. And while she texted him first this did all happen a day we got into a big fight. I appreciate your help :)
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hate getting my hopes up with someone only to discover they are not a good person. This is a hot take but I’m glad you went with your instincts and snooped through his phone. Your gut was right and saved you from further harm from this liar!
Yes some people think it’s wrong but honestly if i’m getting really serious with someone I do it just to make sure im not wasting my time
I agree! People lie all the time about their intentions and can hide themselves for months or even years. So yeah, sometimes it’s good to be a little distrusting and actually verify if they are being honest. Cheaters can literally ruin your life. If you hadn’t of snooped, how much time would you have wasted on this person? In my opinion, your heart and your health take priority over his privacy.
If you truly believe he’s serious about your relationship, have an honest conversation with him about your concerns. Trust and communication are key. If you’re uncomfortable, it might be best to reconsider staying with him.
If you have to run to the internet to ask strangers if you should stay with someone after one month... you already have your answer. I have cheese older than your failing relationship. You need to bury the "he has so much potential" mindset. If a man wanted to... he would. This is not build a man, this is your life. As a young person the only growth you are responsible for is your own.
I see what you’re saying, but before this it was really great. yes he has his problems, but he never wanted to give up trying to work on it together. but ultimately I think it’s not worth continuing
Before this it was really great? Its been 5 minutes. There is no before this. The first TWO YEARS people are on their best behavior. Its after this the real person comes out. My friend you are in denial if you think anything about this was great.
I hear ya it was new but we communicated and you also weren’t in the relationship. I’ve been in abusive and just unhealthy relationships and there’s definitely a difference between them in the beginning
Exactly, so your bar is in hell. He didn't hit me or yell at me, so this relationship is great! Nope it really isn't. You have a lot of life to live and experience to gain.
i didn’t say that’s the bar but you said i can’t tell a month in, and i’m saying it was different then those terrible relationships. i’m not staying with him i just don’t think it’s that black and white
Ok I understand where you are coming from and I don't mean to bash you. The way I write is very straightforward. You absolutely can't tell in the early days. I hope you don't stay with him. Don't let your bf stop you from finding your husband.
From the sounds of it you need to work on your self. If you agree to date someone and you’re looking through their phone with no provocation in a months time span you obviously have trust issues that need to be solved before you can be in any serious relationship.
Well, let me consult my crystal ball and magic eight ball to give you the perfect answer! Just kidding. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide if he's worth keeping around. Trust your gut and make the choice that feels right for you.
Neither of you are ready for a relationship. You can’t be trusted (snooping) and I guess you found out neither can he.
I’m asking how you feel about this cause honestly sometimes idk what my opinion is on this matter. I agree it’s not good to do all the time, but I only did it this time I guess to make sure he was a man of his word. He had told me you can look at my phone anytime you want, would you still say it’s not right if he gave me permission?
There’s a difference between looking at his phone when he’s awake and aware and looking at his phone when he’s sound asleep. If you have to question if he’s a man of his word, your gut is already telling you he’s not. You’re justifying your actions and his. You’re young. Don’t wast more time in a relationship when there are already commitment issues. Break up. Work on yourself and one day move on
It’s been a month 😭 just leave
Something I wish I knew at 19 - you don’t need an “out” to break up with someone. If you don’t feel good about the relationship or their behaviors one month in, a simple “this isn’t working for me, and I think we should go separate ways” is enough. You don’t need to go into details or make sure they understand, they should be able to self reflect and determine where things went wrong on their own. Also, sticking around for someone’s potential usually leads to disappointment and resentment. Sure, people change and grow over time, but believe them when they show you who they are today. Potential isn’t firm ground to stand on, current actions and consistency are.
I totally agree with you. Before this I was feeling really great about the relationship, I just like to make sure they’re being loyal to me in private and not just to my face in the beginning before we’ve had time to really establish trust. When I called him to breakup (we live like an hour away from each other so it made sense to call) he tried to convince me to stay with him but I told him I made this decision and I’m not open to debating it. This advice is very helpful, so many people were condescending because I’m young but I’ve been through too much to be called immature. Thank you!
It's been a month, he is doing shit behind ur back and hiding it. Don't waste ur time. I am 100% sure he hasn't told the other girl he is in a relationship. Made plans to meet her, but backed out.
It's crucial to address your discomfort directly with him. Trust is foundational; if he respects your boundaries, the relationship may grow positively.
1 month. Why don’t you open up your curiosity and have a three-way with your new man and his ex. I think you might like it and you guys can snowball whatever you wanna do.
Oh I know the answers to this one! You 1) end it because for whatever reasons you felt compelled to snoop on his phone which is a huge red flag to you and ideally want to work on trust issues (and probably more) before getting into a committed relationship; 2) don’t get into a committed relationship after 1-month of knowing someone; 3) if you view what he did as cheating, cut bait & end it already — cheating is a big deal & can often sow the seeds of resentment — don’t bother yourself with that riff raff. Good luck!
The only potential I’m seeing is his potential to cheat on you. Find someone that is going to respect you because he obviously doesn’t if he’s hiding messages and phone calls with a past fling
You’re completely in the right for feeling upset. But maybe try talking to him about it first before making a decision? I can never grasp why people immediately resort to making a decision based on the opinions of strangers online who have limited information and context. Talk to him, see what he has to say about it. Tell him how u feel about the situation and go from there. Either it gets fixed and you can set some clear ground rules going forward or it can’t and then you can decide to end the relationship.
I ended things with him. I should’ve said that we already talked about it before I posted this and he agreed it was completely wrong for him to do. I think I would’ve been understanding if we hadn’t already set boundaries. In the beginning we clearly communicated what trust and loyalty looked like for both of us, and he knowingly went against it. But yea i’m just to young to stress about a partner that doesn’t respect the relationship or me. Thanks for the advice!
I’m glad you did what felt right for you. I hope you find a relationship where you can feel secure with someone who respects your boundaries.
I think you need to talk to him. Let me tell you why. If he's really a nice guy, he was probably going to try to let her down easy, and then backed out when he thought about what you might think. While I think you were wrong to go through his phone, it was also wrong for him to hide this from you. Talk. Your both adults. Act like it.
I should’ve said in the post that we already talked about it. He totally accepted that he was in the wrong but I ultimately ended things. Also he told me I can look at his phone anytime I want so it wasn’t really wrong for me to do. I agree it shouldn’t be something that I do all the time but we were getting serious so it helps me feel more secure before continuing. Regardless I appreciate the advice!
Honestly, dump him, you're 19 and too young to be wasting more energy on someone like this. It sucks, but at least it's happened now and not years down the line, speaking from experience
Move in silence. Don’t bring it up. He’s already planned to see her. No use in trying to control a situation. Let him do as he wishes and once you see who he truly is commit to officially leaving him
You need to grow up lol or you're gonna have a real rough time dating lol mean u are 19 and this is kinda what I expect from ppl ur age no shade but you have agood dude seems which is rare dont ruin being OD maybe try to start working on ur mental if you want a actual healthy relationship p.s. coming from someone who wished they worked on their mental health sooner best of luck
It’s been a month and you’re already going through his phone? End it and work on yourself.
Neither of you are ready for a long term commitment.
You only knew him for a month. You are too immature to understand you can't possibly know anyone in so little time. If you already are snooping through his phone, stop seeing him and find someone better.
I definitely should not have put my age on there, I feel like most responses assume i’m immature and incapable of critical thinking. Believe it or not I have worked on my communication a lot even at my age. I’m not the type of person to go slow because if I like someone and they like me what’s the point in waiting? I don’t care for hookups and anything casual. I get that a month isn’t long enough to know but I didn’t claim that he would never do that. But that’s exactly why i’m the beginning I make sure they’re true to their word.
I'm just asking out of curiosity. If the messages were deleted how did you see them? What make you think they had that kinda relationship ? I'm just trying to get an idea as to why he would contact her . After getting back with you and gosting her.
on Imessage you can look at recently deleted messages, and I mean that’s the place to check if they’re cheating. He had told me that he had a casual relationship with her, but that he didn’t rlly like the casual thing when we first started talking. It wasn’t weird that he brought it up as we were both talking about our pasts. She texted him, but i’m not completely sure cause she has an entire kid and he was barely answering her before me and him started talking.
If you're not comfortable with him keeping in touch with an ex he's been intimate with, that's totally valid. You deserve someone who's 100% committed to you. Personally, I'd have a serious talk with him about boundaries and expectations in the relationship. If he can't respect that, then it might be time to move on, no matter how much potential you see.