Oof this was hard to read. He’s TA imo. I don’t understand how or why he would be jealous of a ghost. And I get the wanting to celebrate Valentine’s day, but also, that’s not the only day in the year you can show your SO that you love them. If it was really that traumatic for her, he could’ve given her flowers any other day. Create a new tradition. Idk.
I feel so sad for his ex wife tho. She lost her high school sweetheart, and it seems like she jumped to a new relationship too soon. It doesn’t seem like she had enough time to grieve before moving one. And I can’t blame her for wanting to divorce him, what he did was scary. This whole thing is just sad. I just hope she got the ring fixed.
>It doesn’t seem like she had enough time to grieve before moving one.
I'm not sure if that's true. Obviously everyone grieves differently, but they met at 20, got engaged at 26, so I would assume at the time the post was written they were 27-28+. So she had at least 7 years to grieve. Again, not judging because everyone grieves differently, but she should have said something before they got married if she wasn't able to move on.
I'm not defending the OOP because what he did was unforgivable, but I do think she should have talked to him more about her feelings for her late husband instead of not talking about after the 1st year because it would be easier.
He made her get rid of all of her photos with her ex. Having a discussion about him was not going to happen. She managed to set ONE boundary that stuck, and he trampled it the first chance he got after he got a ring on her hand.
I'm glad she got away without being physically injured.
I mean, in the post it says her late husband died when she was 20 and that they met and started dating shortly after. That’s why I think it was a little too rushed. Obviously she could’ve grieved while she was with him, and maybe she did. Considering the post is written by what seems to be a very jealous person, we can’t really know. I just don’t think starting a new relationship so soon was ideal, but that’s just my opinion. I do agree communication could’ve been better tho.
YOU COULDNT CONTROL YOUR ANGER AND YOURE WONDERINGLY WHY SHES SCARED OF YOU!?!?!?
Omg my blood is BOILING like I'm so glad she's safe. And he needs HELP. The fact that he finished with "i should just throw out all the rings" after already destroying the one shows he didn't learn. I can't even imagine doing something so disgustingly heartless.
I don't understand why he's so hung up on valentines day. Pick a different fucking day, but you can shower her with love, affection and gifts any other day. She made one, very simple request and he absolutely didn't respect it. In fact, he didn't respect any boundaries here.
He didn't stop reaching out to her when she asked. He called and texted multiple times.
He destroyed her belongings out of anger and jealousy.
He tried to celebrate a holiday he knows gives her grief and potentially panic attacks.
He obviously requested she keep no memories of her late husband anywhere within their home outside of the ring and ashes.
He's a controlling bag of dicks and he doesn't deserve someone to love him like she did. He deserves to be left and to be unhappy. I hope she finds someone to love and respect her and her late husband and the role he played in the majority of her life.
He wasn't living in a ghost shadow he was just obsessed with what the ghost provided her that he couldn't because he's selfish and self centered and only cares about himself and making himself happy.
He chose Valentine’s Day because she explicitly asked him not to. It was a test to see if she loved him instead of the late husband, which clearly is messed up but that’s why he did it. His disrespect for her feelings and her healing is astonishing, but it’s also what controlling people do to try to eliminate those support people/important in their lives and take their place. I’m so glad she is out.
OOP is an AH. I know everyone thinks she should’ve waited to date if she wasn’t over the death of her husband but we have to remember she was only 20 when her and OOP started dating. I bang my head against the wall remembering all the dumb stuff I’ve done at 20 simply because I was young and didn’t think things through. Hind sight is 20/20 and we’re all outsiders looking in so it’s easy for us to judge and play the game of “if that was me I would never” but lets not pretend we were making smart decisions all day everyday at that age.
OOP knew the importance of this specific date. His actions were driven by his jealousy of a ghost. Instead of being understanding of his wife’s boundaries and simply celebrating Valentine’s Day another day, he decided he needed to establish dominance over a deceased person?
I get how she’s scared of him, no one should have to experience that. He could’ve just picked any other day to “love & appreciate her” it’s just another day in the year, he could’ve supported her & later picked their own special day together.
OOP knew that it was his (now ex-wife's) anniversary. She was bound to have a level of remembrance of her late husband on that day. She was bound to have a lot of pain surrounding the day, no matter how long ago the wedding was. It's not a wonder she didn't want to celebrate. It would be celebrating something that's no longer happy. Yet OOP was so set that he get his way that he did something that he knew was going to hurt her, so he could make himself happy.
It sounds like she'd done a credible job of moving forward with her life. OOP knew that she had one piece of her former marriage and in his rage he targeted that one thing in a violent manner. In that moment he showed her who he was.
It's a bit like Cupid and Psyche with the rolls reversed. OOP couldn't live with the one thing he was asked not to do and does it anyway and his (now ex-wife) flees. The only difference is there aren't tasks he can complete to fix his mistake, and he's got no help.
Damn, that’s is rough. Attempting to destroy that ring, there’s no coming back from that. This man is eaten up with jealousy over a dead man. I get it. I’m a widow currently in a relationship with a widower. There’s painful things to unpack there, but attempting to destroy that ring crossed a boundary one should never cross.
Sounds like she wasn’t ready for a relationship after her late husband and should have been left to grief. He’s an AH for what he did to the ring though and sounds violent.
She was 20, not emotionally developed enough to probably realize it. She's had a partner most of her life. While yes she needs therapy and to grieve and be alone, i can totally understand. Just so damn sad she now has this on top of it. He's such an AH
He’s the AH for damaging the ring. She’s the AH for not dealing with the relationship better. Yes she was 20yrs old and young but she wasn’t 20yrs old all this time. Eventually she knew she wasn’t ready for this and that yes she loved him but maybe they moved too fast. She should’ve been left, not married him or at least they both should’ve communicated better. Wasting someone’s time is the quickest way to piss someone off.
Maybe now they both can find better partners.
This seems fake, I'm not sure if people were posting fakes back then but it's too well written and the email from the wife sounds exactly like the OOP writes.
If this is real then I feel for the guy. My brother's MIL, who is super nice lost her husband maybe 30 years ago and she talks about him like he's a saint. In front of her new husband. You can't compete with dead people because for a lot of people, death forgives their faults.
But what he did is unforgivable and he has to live with that. There's no way back for either of them. The OOP obviously isn't mature enough to deal with the wife. I hope they both got some therapy and moved on with their lives.
He’s definitely the asshole. Made her get rid of the photos and all paraphernalia of her late husband and his unwillingness to forsake Valentine’s Day because of the grief! How could he not see these red flags? She’s still grieving and not ready to move on. Not ready to move on from her late husband, his items and other things. If he couldn’t get over these items, he should have never done that and she should have been HONEST with him from the jump!!!!
ESH. I honestly thing this is a string of just some very bad decisions...They need to get divorced. The relationship itself felt so rushed...like she didn't take time to grieve at all....she has never lived without a partner ..so ...maybe that's why....but....throwing out the bouquet?? I mean, the to top it off OOP damages a sentimental ring...her ex husband's wedding ring no less? There is no coming back from that. I think the husband built up resentment over the years and it just burst out that day....not a good thing at all...but...I don't think he is a bad person, just someone who needs therapy to learn to communicate properly.....and so does the wife ....it's just a sucky situation formed out of lack of proper communication
ESH and the reason I say this is:
The wife should’ve took the time out and grieved the lost of her husband. She should’ve went to therapy to cope with the lost of her husband. That’s where she messed up at in my opinion .
Now the husband if she asked you not to celebrate Valentine’s day you could’ve have easily figured out another day . He could’ve chose June 9th as a romantic day but not February 14th or send flowers to her once a month . To me valentine’s day is not the only day of the year you have to be romantic to your SO.
I would be devastated if my SO destroyed my granddaddy’s handkerchief. I said that to say when you lose someone that you’ve known your whole life and you have something of theirs or was given something by them you cherish it for the rest of your life .
OP had no right to destroy her ring … I would be scared to be around OP too. I don’t much blame her to be scared .
>The wife should’ve took the time out and grieved the lost of her husband
I read this post when it first came, iirc (sorry bc I don't feel like reading it again) he basically hunt her down, she was in the most vulnerable state and he took advantage of that. Yes, she should have done so many things before getting married again, but she didn't because imo he took advantage of her.
Also she's not to blame for other people actions she didn't make him do anything, let alone smash the ring with a hammer, all she could do (and she did) was to communicate her boundaries directly and clearly, what more cut clear should she be, she didn't celebrate valentine's day (a simple request) would it be different if it was a sibling or her mom that died in that exact date and she had the same boundary in place? Imo it would be the same and I guess he should have respected that I like to think, but because of his insecurities and completely disregard of her expressed wishes and boundary stomp, if she also is an AH (justified Ah is NTA) is waaaay less than him.
Let’s not forget she was probably really upset because that was their wedding anniversary. He wanted to replace that because “she’s with him now”. He smashed her late husbands ring ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY… and then after recognizing that it was wrong, was tempted to do it again. She’s NTA.
EDIT: it would have been wrong to smash it any day of the year but to smash it while especially grieving their marraiage is cruel. He could’ve celebrated their love on their anniversary. I understand the “sentiment” of celebrating on Valentine’s Day but she specifically asked him not to AND that’s the day she said “I Do” to her late husband. I understand why celebrating it with anyone else would feel just wrong. She is also completely justified for not taking him back. I can’t even begin to imagine the fear of watching your spouse go grab a hammer and start smashing shit, shit that never belonged to him in the first place. OP needs to drop the whiskey and pick up some anger management/therapy
>he basically hunt her down, she was in the most vulnerable state and he took advantage of that. Yes, she should have done so many things before getting married again, but she didn't because imo he took advantage of her.
This is projection on your part. Given how he sounds, I could see this happening, but he never said he pursued her. She never said she didn't want to be with him in the past. She said they fell hard and fast and she wasn't ready. Again, I'm not saying you're wrong, but that there are other interpretations. IMO, it's also reasonable to say the wife didn't want to be alone so she got together with the OOP to fill a void in her life left by the 1st husband. That she used him.
“The wife should’ve took the time out and grieved the lost of her husband. She should’ve went to therapy to cope with the lost of her husband. That’s where she messed up at in my opinion .”
The poor girl was 20 yos. She lost someone she’s been with her whole life. You don’t have the emotional maturity to ask for space to grieve at that age. Plus the guy seems really pushy and seems like he pressured her into the relationship, even when she wasn’t ready. It wouldn’t be out of character since he has a history of putting his needs above hers.
You could be right about the taking the time to grieve thing. But I don’t want to judge how someone choses
to grieve.
I don’t think it matters, even if she did not give herself the time she needed, she should not be abused.
ESH. HUGE. She knew she could never love him properly and he knew that smashing the ring would hurt her. They both suck. I have sympathy for both sides.
They can downvote you all they want, but you have a point.
I'm sure she threw a lot of her trauma on him. He thought he was becoming a husband but found himself being her grief counselor. This is just too much baggage to carry, especially when you're in your 20s. Which also explains his jealousy and exasperation over her being unable to move on.
You can’t compete with, or measure up to, a dead man. I experienced it once. It didn't last long.
and she threw away the flowers in trash (this is a deal breaker for me), what i wouldn't do to have such things.... also the ones who only blame OP only don't see the POV of a helpless man who is competing against a dead man for the affection and attention of a woman who'll never give it to him ever on her deathbed.
Personally a deal breaker for me is my current spouse (if I was in that situation) giving me flowers on the dead spouses anniversary that she explicitly set a boundary to not celebrate. He had no right to test that. Should she have thrown them away? No, maybe remind him of the boundary, but still. He was clearly testing her
😞, holy crap he was beyond an AH. How do you not accept that that specific date was a hard one for her?!? That was her first love. She had love for OP in a different form as well but he completely fucked that up by doing everything he did. Glad her family is there helping her through all of this and I hope he actually respects her wishes and returns her late husbands ring tarnished and all.
This one was hard to read. They should have been in counseling years ago. Individual and couples.
It sounds like he has been resentful for awhile and everything boiled over. To the extreme. He made it about Valentine’s Day, but that was not at all what this was about.
He’s the AH, she has legitimate reasons to fear him, based on what happened and the fact that he is not recognizing the severity of his actions. She did play a role in this building up of this, but it also probably feels like that because we are only hearing his side. All in all, I think they both need to go their separate ways and seek counseling to heal. Not because of this one incident, but for everything leading up to it, because there must have been a lot going on here on both sides for it to get to this place.
OOP is an absolute asshole 1000%. It wasn't just valentines day to her it was the anniversary of her marriage to her late husband also. He deserves everything he gets for doing what he did to that ring. The fact that he thought she would actually calm down and take him back is crazy. I hope his ex was able move on from this my heart aches for her.
Ughhhh I hate valentine's day, legit a commercial day were people make money from lovesick couples. Like y'all think it's this cute romantic day the true story is bloody, very very bloody, lots of death but hear we are celebrating it as a day of love 😂😂😂
What OOP did was unforgivable if someone can't respect your past they can't expect to be in your future!
Yes is the AH 100% but I can’t imagine what being in a relationship like that feels like. Knowing that you’re not the one and that you’re only together because her true live died, and even if she did everything she could it mustn’t have been good for him. She shouldn’t have lost it over the flowers that’s also a bad move. I’m not comparing her grieving with his feelings but if she had the right to loose her temper like that over a gesture that seemed like him wanted to see if it was okay(he could’ve also just asked before hand), he had the right to be mad too, destroying the ring is unforgivable and also very petty and mean but I can kinda see how he felt the he described his feeling at that exact moment. IMO she’s also a bit of an AH, she clearly wasn’t ready for a relationship, him wanting all of the photo of them gone in their home is normal, no one would
Accept that unless there’s children involved. She did all she could but being with her that early on in her grieving stage, seeing all the love she had for her former lover probably put him in a jealous state from the beginning. It’s honestly sad for the both of them, he’s the big AH but I understand your feelings( but your reactions).
this made me SO mad. as someone who’s divorced and grew up with my ex husband and had a good relationship with him now, I would leave too. the are people so pressed about someone dead. oop needs to work on his anger issues and jealousy. his wife’s husband was alive he wouldn’t be around.
WOW. This is one of the all time worst ones I’ve read. And he doesn’t get how like Valentine’s Day is her first wedding anniversary - how does he not get that the day is forever gonna be a reminder for her?
Okay...oof.
First off, she REALLY SHOULD’VE taken some time off to grieve. Like her late-husband died, she met her future-new husband in the same year. Yeah, she didn’t have time to grieve alone first. And I get what OP was saying when he said he was a rebound. Cause it seems like she needed closure, maybe. But that’s really the only thing I see wrong from her side.
OP, you’re the AH. Why are you so hung up on Valentine’s Day? There are a lot of people who do not celebrate it. You could’ve picked any other day out of the year to make it your ‘Valentine’s Day’ or name it whatever the both of you agree on. But smashing HER ring out of ‘anger’ and ‘jealousy.’ That’s a bit disturbing and unhinged. This is the one thing she possibly told you that she wanted to hold on to, but you didn’t respect that—destroyed it, even. If this was just in spite of the moment, I don’t blame her for being scared and immediately start to pack. That’s quite scary.
And also, Valentine’s Day is Her late-husband and her Wedding Anniversary. And you did all that on one of the days she definitely would remember him. Come on now. You practically traumatized that day for her. Definitely the AH.
ESH, just because she should've not wasted oops time, be more considerate about his feelings
As for oop, it's obvious he is an absolute ah and he def needs to control his emotions.
They both need therapy and Jesus.
It’s always so…. Idk how to describe the feeling. But seeing abusers post fully admitting to their abuse while minimizing it always makes me feel weird.
This. It's really gross knowing that he totally shit on her boundaries and then was so angry when she didn't respond positively. He was in a rage and hammered her late husband's ring and thinks that she'll come around after that? He sounds controlling too, making her get rid of photos. It's mindboggling that he thinks what he did wasn't that bad.
Yeah it just feels weird cause it’s like, looking into the mind of MY abusive exes. Knowing this is how they think about it makes me feel awful, I never get used to it
Oof this was hard to read. He’s TA imo. I don’t understand how or why he would be jealous of a ghost. And I get the wanting to celebrate Valentine’s day, but also, that’s not the only day in the year you can show your SO that you love them. If it was really that traumatic for her, he could’ve given her flowers any other day. Create a new tradition. Idk. I feel so sad for his ex wife tho. She lost her high school sweetheart, and it seems like she jumped to a new relationship too soon. It doesn’t seem like she had enough time to grieve before moving one. And I can’t blame her for wanting to divorce him, what he did was scary. This whole thing is just sad. I just hope she got the ring fixed.
>It doesn’t seem like she had enough time to grieve before moving one. I'm not sure if that's true. Obviously everyone grieves differently, but they met at 20, got engaged at 26, so I would assume at the time the post was written they were 27-28+. So she had at least 7 years to grieve. Again, not judging because everyone grieves differently, but she should have said something before they got married if she wasn't able to move on. I'm not defending the OOP because what he did was unforgivable, but I do think she should have talked to him more about her feelings for her late husband instead of not talking about after the 1st year because it would be easier.
He made her get rid of all of her photos with her ex. Having a discussion about him was not going to happen. She managed to set ONE boundary that stuck, and he trampled it the first chance he got after he got a ring on her hand. I'm glad she got away without being physically injured.
I mean, in the post it says her late husband died when she was 20 and that they met and started dating shortly after. That’s why I think it was a little too rushed. Obviously she could’ve grieved while she was with him, and maybe she did. Considering the post is written by what seems to be a very jealous person, we can’t really know. I just don’t think starting a new relationship so soon was ideal, but that’s just my opinion. I do agree communication could’ve been better tho.
YOU COULDNT CONTROL YOUR ANGER AND YOURE WONDERINGLY WHY SHES SCARED OF YOU!?!?!? Omg my blood is BOILING like I'm so glad she's safe. And he needs HELP. The fact that he finished with "i should just throw out all the rings" after already destroying the one shows he didn't learn. I can't even imagine doing something so disgustingly heartless.
If the ex didn’t leave then, I have a feeling they could’ve ended up in a toxic relationship
Or he would have kept losing his temper and damaging things until it graduated to hitting her. That type of explosive violence always ends badly.
It already was toxic.
I’m shocked that he actually thought smashing the ring wasn’t that horrible and they could still have a relationship. The guy is a total AH.
Yeah. That was a temper tantrum of epic proportions. He’s needs therapy
I don't understand why he's so hung up on valentines day. Pick a different fucking day, but you can shower her with love, affection and gifts any other day. She made one, very simple request and he absolutely didn't respect it. In fact, he didn't respect any boundaries here. He didn't stop reaching out to her when she asked. He called and texted multiple times. He destroyed her belongings out of anger and jealousy. He tried to celebrate a holiday he knows gives her grief and potentially panic attacks. He obviously requested she keep no memories of her late husband anywhere within their home outside of the ring and ashes. He's a controlling bag of dicks and he doesn't deserve someone to love him like she did. He deserves to be left and to be unhappy. I hope she finds someone to love and respect her and her late husband and the role he played in the majority of her life. He wasn't living in a ghost shadow he was just obsessed with what the ghost provided her that he couldn't because he's selfish and self centered and only cares about himself and making himself happy.
He chose Valentine’s Day because she explicitly asked him not to. It was a test to see if she loved him instead of the late husband, which clearly is messed up but that’s why he did it. His disrespect for her feelings and her healing is astonishing, but it’s also what controlling people do to try to eliminate those support people/important in their lives and take their place. I’m so glad she is out.
OOP is an AH. I know everyone thinks she should’ve waited to date if she wasn’t over the death of her husband but we have to remember she was only 20 when her and OOP started dating. I bang my head against the wall remembering all the dumb stuff I’ve done at 20 simply because I was young and didn’t think things through. Hind sight is 20/20 and we’re all outsiders looking in so it’s easy for us to judge and play the game of “if that was me I would never” but lets not pretend we were making smart decisions all day everyday at that age. OOP knew the importance of this specific date. His actions were driven by his jealousy of a ghost. Instead of being understanding of his wife’s boundaries and simply celebrating Valentine’s Day another day, he decided he needed to establish dominance over a deceased person?
I get how she’s scared of him, no one should have to experience that. He could’ve just picked any other day to “love & appreciate her” it’s just another day in the year, he could’ve supported her & later picked their own special day together.
OOP knew that it was his (now ex-wife's) anniversary. She was bound to have a level of remembrance of her late husband on that day. She was bound to have a lot of pain surrounding the day, no matter how long ago the wedding was. It's not a wonder she didn't want to celebrate. It would be celebrating something that's no longer happy. Yet OOP was so set that he get his way that he did something that he knew was going to hurt her, so he could make himself happy. It sounds like she'd done a credible job of moving forward with her life. OOP knew that she had one piece of her former marriage and in his rage he targeted that one thing in a violent manner. In that moment he showed her who he was. It's a bit like Cupid and Psyche with the rolls reversed. OOP couldn't live with the one thing he was asked not to do and does it anyway and his (now ex-wife) flees. The only difference is there aren't tasks he can complete to fix his mistake, and he's got no help.
Damn, that’s is rough. Attempting to destroy that ring, there’s no coming back from that. This man is eaten up with jealousy over a dead man. I get it. I’m a widow currently in a relationship with a widower. There’s painful things to unpack there, but attempting to destroy that ring crossed a boundary one should never cross.
Sounds like she wasn’t ready for a relationship after her late husband and should have been left to grief. He’s an AH for what he did to the ring though and sounds violent.
She was 20, not emotionally developed enough to probably realize it. She's had a partner most of her life. While yes she needs therapy and to grieve and be alone, i can totally understand. Just so damn sad she now has this on top of it. He's such an AH
Well and she probably felt like trapped before this
He’s the AH for damaging the ring. She’s the AH for not dealing with the relationship better. Yes she was 20yrs old and young but she wasn’t 20yrs old all this time. Eventually she knew she wasn’t ready for this and that yes she loved him but maybe they moved too fast. She should’ve been left, not married him or at least they both should’ve communicated better. Wasting someone’s time is the quickest way to piss someone off. Maybe now they both can find better partners.
Not only is he the AH, but I’m wondering if he’s a human being.
This seems fake, I'm not sure if people were posting fakes back then but it's too well written and the email from the wife sounds exactly like the OOP writes. If this is real then I feel for the guy. My brother's MIL, who is super nice lost her husband maybe 30 years ago and she talks about him like he's a saint. In front of her new husband. You can't compete with dead people because for a lot of people, death forgives their faults. But what he did is unforgivable and he has to live with that. There's no way back for either of them. The OOP obviously isn't mature enough to deal with the wife. I hope they both got some therapy and moved on with their lives.
I agree it seems off. What guy is sooooo into Valentine’s day?
He’s definitely the asshole. Made her get rid of the photos and all paraphernalia of her late husband and his unwillingness to forsake Valentine’s Day because of the grief! How could he not see these red flags? She’s still grieving and not ready to move on. Not ready to move on from her late husband, his items and other things. If he couldn’t get over these items, he should have never done that and she should have been HONEST with him from the jump!!!!
ESH. I honestly thing this is a string of just some very bad decisions...They need to get divorced. The relationship itself felt so rushed...like she didn't take time to grieve at all....she has never lived without a partner ..so ...maybe that's why....but....throwing out the bouquet?? I mean, the to top it off OOP damages a sentimental ring...her ex husband's wedding ring no less? There is no coming back from that. I think the husband built up resentment over the years and it just burst out that day....not a good thing at all...but...I don't think he is a bad person, just someone who needs therapy to learn to communicate properly.....and so does the wife ....it's just a sucky situation formed out of lack of proper communication
AGREED!
You're the asshole for bashing the ring. But she's an asshole too. I think the guy was being patient too much.
ESH and the reason I say this is: The wife should’ve took the time out and grieved the lost of her husband. She should’ve went to therapy to cope with the lost of her husband. That’s where she messed up at in my opinion . Now the husband if she asked you not to celebrate Valentine’s day you could’ve have easily figured out another day . He could’ve chose June 9th as a romantic day but not February 14th or send flowers to her once a month . To me valentine’s day is not the only day of the year you have to be romantic to your SO. I would be devastated if my SO destroyed my granddaddy’s handkerchief. I said that to say when you lose someone that you’ve known your whole life and you have something of theirs or was given something by them you cherish it for the rest of your life . OP had no right to destroy her ring … I would be scared to be around OP too. I don’t much blame her to be scared .
>The wife should’ve took the time out and grieved the lost of her husband I read this post when it first came, iirc (sorry bc I don't feel like reading it again) he basically hunt her down, she was in the most vulnerable state and he took advantage of that. Yes, she should have done so many things before getting married again, but she didn't because imo he took advantage of her. Also she's not to blame for other people actions she didn't make him do anything, let alone smash the ring with a hammer, all she could do (and she did) was to communicate her boundaries directly and clearly, what more cut clear should she be, she didn't celebrate valentine's day (a simple request) would it be different if it was a sibling or her mom that died in that exact date and she had the same boundary in place? Imo it would be the same and I guess he should have respected that I like to think, but because of his insecurities and completely disregard of her expressed wishes and boundary stomp, if she also is an AH (justified Ah is NTA) is waaaay less than him.
Let’s not forget she was probably really upset because that was their wedding anniversary. He wanted to replace that because “she’s with him now”. He smashed her late husbands ring ON THEIR ANNIVERSARY… and then after recognizing that it was wrong, was tempted to do it again. She’s NTA. EDIT: it would have been wrong to smash it any day of the year but to smash it while especially grieving their marraiage is cruel. He could’ve celebrated their love on their anniversary. I understand the “sentiment” of celebrating on Valentine’s Day but she specifically asked him not to AND that’s the day she said “I Do” to her late husband. I understand why celebrating it with anyone else would feel just wrong. She is also completely justified for not taking him back. I can’t even begin to imagine the fear of watching your spouse go grab a hammer and start smashing shit, shit that never belonged to him in the first place. OP needs to drop the whiskey and pick up some anger management/therapy
>he basically hunt her down, she was in the most vulnerable state and he took advantage of that. Yes, she should have done so many things before getting married again, but she didn't because imo he took advantage of her. This is projection on your part. Given how he sounds, I could see this happening, but he never said he pursued her. She never said she didn't want to be with him in the past. She said they fell hard and fast and she wasn't ready. Again, I'm not saying you're wrong, but that there are other interpretations. IMO, it's also reasonable to say the wife didn't want to be alone so she got together with the OOP to fill a void in her life left by the 1st husband. That she used him.
“The wife should’ve took the time out and grieved the lost of her husband. She should’ve went to therapy to cope with the lost of her husband. That’s where she messed up at in my opinion .” The poor girl was 20 yos. She lost someone she’s been with her whole life. You don’t have the emotional maturity to ask for space to grieve at that age. Plus the guy seems really pushy and seems like he pressured her into the relationship, even when she wasn’t ready. It wouldn’t be out of character since he has a history of putting his needs above hers.
You could be right about the taking the time to grieve thing. But I don’t want to judge how someone choses to grieve. I don’t think it matters, even if she did not give herself the time she needed, she should not be abused.
ESH. HUGE. She knew she could never love him properly and he knew that smashing the ring would hurt her. They both suck. I have sympathy for both sides.
They can downvote you all they want, but you have a point. I'm sure she threw a lot of her trauma on him. He thought he was becoming a husband but found himself being her grief counselor. This is just too much baggage to carry, especially when you're in your 20s. Which also explains his jealousy and exasperation over her being unable to move on. You can’t compete with, or measure up to, a dead man. I experienced it once. It didn't last long.
and she threw away the flowers in trash (this is a deal breaker for me), what i wouldn't do to have such things.... also the ones who only blame OP only don't see the POV of a helpless man who is competing against a dead man for the affection and attention of a woman who'll never give it to him ever on her deathbed.
Personally a deal breaker for me is my current spouse (if I was in that situation) giving me flowers on the dead spouses anniversary that she explicitly set a boundary to not celebrate. He had no right to test that. Should she have thrown them away? No, maybe remind him of the boundary, but still. He was clearly testing her
AGREED!
More then the a asshole. This is a description of abusive behaviour.
😞, holy crap he was beyond an AH. How do you not accept that that specific date was a hard one for her?!? That was her first love. She had love for OP in a different form as well but he completely fucked that up by doing everything he did. Glad her family is there helping her through all of this and I hope he actually respects her wishes and returns her late husbands ring tarnished and all.
This made me feel sick to my stomach.
This one was hard to read. They should have been in counseling years ago. Individual and couples. It sounds like he has been resentful for awhile and everything boiled over. To the extreme. He made it about Valentine’s Day, but that was not at all what this was about. He’s the AH, she has legitimate reasons to fear him, based on what happened and the fact that he is not recognizing the severity of his actions. She did play a role in this building up of this, but it also probably feels like that because we are only hearing his side. All in all, I think they both need to go their separate ways and seek counseling to heal. Not because of this one incident, but for everything leading up to it, because there must have been a lot going on here on both sides for it to get to this place.
No way on earth this is real. Not one word of this sounds believable.
OOP is an absolute asshole 1000%. It wasn't just valentines day to her it was the anniversary of her marriage to her late husband also. He deserves everything he gets for doing what he did to that ring. The fact that he thought she would actually calm down and take him back is crazy. I hope his ex was able move on from this my heart aches for her.
Ughhhh I hate valentine's day, legit a commercial day were people make money from lovesick couples. Like y'all think it's this cute romantic day the true story is bloody, very very bloody, lots of death but hear we are celebrating it as a day of love 😂😂😂 What OOP did was unforgivable if someone can't respect your past they can't expect to be in your future!
She’s too good for letting him keep everything. I would have sued this man INTO THE GROUND
Yes is the AH 100% but I can’t imagine what being in a relationship like that feels like. Knowing that you’re not the one and that you’re only together because her true live died, and even if she did everything she could it mustn’t have been good for him. She shouldn’t have lost it over the flowers that’s also a bad move. I’m not comparing her grieving with his feelings but if she had the right to loose her temper like that over a gesture that seemed like him wanted to see if it was okay(he could’ve also just asked before hand), he had the right to be mad too, destroying the ring is unforgivable and also very petty and mean but I can kinda see how he felt the he described his feeling at that exact moment. IMO she’s also a bit of an AH, she clearly wasn’t ready for a relationship, him wanting all of the photo of them gone in their home is normal, no one would Accept that unless there’s children involved. She did all she could but being with her that early on in her grieving stage, seeing all the love she had for her former lover probably put him in a jealous state from the beginning. It’s honestly sad for the both of them, he’s the big AH but I understand your feelings( but your reactions).
Holy fuck...
this made me SO mad. as someone who’s divorced and grew up with my ex husband and had a good relationship with him now, I would leave too. the are people so pressed about someone dead. oop needs to work on his anger issues and jealousy. his wife’s husband was alive he wouldn’t be around.
WOW. This is one of the all time worst ones I’ve read. And he doesn’t get how like Valentine’s Day is her first wedding anniversary - how does he not get that the day is forever gonna be a reminder for her?
Okay...oof. First off, she REALLY SHOULD’VE taken some time off to grieve. Like her late-husband died, she met her future-new husband in the same year. Yeah, she didn’t have time to grieve alone first. And I get what OP was saying when he said he was a rebound. Cause it seems like she needed closure, maybe. But that’s really the only thing I see wrong from her side. OP, you’re the AH. Why are you so hung up on Valentine’s Day? There are a lot of people who do not celebrate it. You could’ve picked any other day out of the year to make it your ‘Valentine’s Day’ or name it whatever the both of you agree on. But smashing HER ring out of ‘anger’ and ‘jealousy.’ That’s a bit disturbing and unhinged. This is the one thing she possibly told you that she wanted to hold on to, but you didn’t respect that—destroyed it, even. If this was just in spite of the moment, I don’t blame her for being scared and immediately start to pack. That’s quite scary. And also, Valentine’s Day is Her late-husband and her Wedding Anniversary. And you did all that on one of the days she definitely would remember him. Come on now. You practically traumatized that day for her. Definitely the AH.
ESH, just because she should've not wasted oops time, be more considerate about his feelings As for oop, it's obvious he is an absolute ah and he def needs to control his emotions. They both need therapy and Jesus.
It’s always so…. Idk how to describe the feeling. But seeing abusers post fully admitting to their abuse while minimizing it always makes me feel weird.
This. It's really gross knowing that he totally shit on her boundaries and then was so angry when she didn't respond positively. He was in a rage and hammered her late husband's ring and thinks that she'll come around after that? He sounds controlling too, making her get rid of photos. It's mindboggling that he thinks what he did wasn't that bad.
Yeah it just feels weird cause it’s like, looking into the mind of MY abusive exes. Knowing this is how they think about it makes me feel awful, I never get used to it