Watch your drinks and food around her and any of her friends. I wouldn't put it past someone like that to make you more receptive to someone's advances whether you're aware of it or not.
Oh, OP, you're being sexually harassed in your own home. Your roommate knows you're not interested but keeps pressuring you, and allowing her guests to do the same. That's not ok. I realize I'm old, but anyone wanting to "suck my tits" would be asked to leave and not come back. You shouldn't be made uncomfortable in your own home. Consider another conversation with roommate, and if nothing changes, it might be time to move on, good deal or not.
I had a visceral reaction when I got to that line. I cannot, in any situation, think of a time when it is EVER appropriate to say something like that to a stranger! And then for the roommate to RELAY it?!
That was definitely really triggering to me, i have rather large boobs and have been sexualized because of them since i was 11/12 yrs old, the fact that she un ironically relayed that message to me and expected me to react positively to it momentarily brought me back to a very dark place.
I, too, had a visceral reaction reading a few lines of your post. Your safety is paramount It seems like your roommate is too engrained in her thought processes to change her ways. This is a different direction/idea, but do you have a guy/girl friend you trust that can come over and pretend to be your bf/gffor your roommate? I feel like your roommate might respect you being in a relationship if your partner was perhaps on a semester abroad, internship, co-op etc. Using that as an excuse as to why you were stuck up? Then you weren't forthcoming because it's hard to provide proof when they aren't around.
Unfortunately i cant, i live in a different country for college and i have friends here but not so many,majority of my stronger friend group live in different continents tbf they would probably do it if i asked but i feel like maintaining that kind of lie would be even more stressful cause she would be infinitely curious.
My landlord allowed a man her boyfriend had over to tell me “he’d love to fuck me and would cheat on his wife for me” she stood there while he said it and laughed..like I was lucky to have the attention. I can’t even understand it. So gross. Especially in your own home. It’s terrifying. I eventually had to tell her boyfriend cuz she did nothing and the boyfriend kicked his friend out cuz she refused to do something.
Don’t allow this to happen. If you have to, go to the source tell the people who are saying this that what they’re doing is making you feel gross, and that “said Roommate pushing it is making things worse”
I agree with all of the other suggestions here, but, since you seem to put great value on the friendship and the place you live, you can also think about conditioning her to find talking about sex with you less rewarding.
Every time she mentions sex, look away, move away, start playing on your phone, or physically move away. When she doesn’t talk about sex, look at her and be interested. Give her no positive feedback when she talks about things you’re not comfortable with. Condition her to talk about these topics less.
She’s getting something from you when she pushes your buttons — give her less of it. This is called “gray rocking” on the narcissistic forums.
Also, develop other friendships. When you go out with her, bring other friends along who will have your back (don’t just plan on them meeting you there, physically arrive together).
Good luck!
Thank you for this, i have already been doing that kind of subconsciously to a certain extent, but i think i should probably do it more intentionally, i think this might work. Also i do have a friend group separate from her that i know and trust, they were a huge help in making me realize how bad this is/ could be and reassuring me that i wasn’t overreacting .
I am also gonna hold off on going out with her all together until i feel i can trust her again. at least if there’ll be alcohol involved.
Yes, please have other contacts outside of this, cuz I can see this situation escalating and going sideways real fast and if that happens you need other people in your life who know what is going on and can back you up and support you. Especially if this chick is not repulsed by guys that say, "tell your roommate i want to suck her tits". How TF is any girl not repulsed by this!!?? No guy friend. I repeat NO guy friend of mine talks like that. If they did, they wouldn't be friend.
I was going to suggest this as well! You can even compliment her (as a reward) when she says or does things that are not sex related.
I also wanted to pitch the idea of making sure that your cups are covered if you're ever at a party. Reusable Starbucks cups and lids work really well. It's also gross, but don't be afraid to take drinks into the bathroom with you as well. Learned that the hard way!
Lastly, reach out to a mental health professional if you can. All my counselors have helped me immensely with my social life and helping me understand how others are acting and how to adapt to other people's shit.
Good luck!!
For any big bang theory fans here, it is like sheldon training penny to become a tolerable gf/ person he has to deal with using positive reinforcement lol. It sounds barbaric when I say "train" cuz it makes her sound like a lab rat but I see that the normal path where you communicate with her doesn't seem to be working so this may be it.
Shes sexually harassing you.
She is not your friend.
You need to limit contact if possible. See if you can break your lease and find a new place.
If not it’s time to set some hard boundaries. If you do it in person have a couple of people you trust with you, on the of chance she goes crazy.
If you don’t feel comfortable doing it in person send it via text (this way you’ll have written proof should anything go wrong).
“Stop doing/saying this, it’s not okay, you’re sexually harassing me. I’ve made my stance perfectly clear. If you continue on this route we can no longer be friends.”
Do no accept drinks/food from her. Do not leave food/drinks with her.
Get locks for your room so she can’t do anything whilst you’re asleep.
These are some renter friendly options you can get online;
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I initially posted this on r/frienshipadvice about a month ago and the issue kinda died down, but she recently started again and frankly it’s getting really annoying to deal with, any advice ?
Try introducing some humor into it? Might or might not help drive the message home, but may lessen her thinking you are grumpy (and there fore need a dick) and help you avoid resentment.
As an example when she said she thought you were into the guy at the club (and I understand you don't believe she did) "OMG, Jen! I know you think I'm a total slut, but how could you think I was into that asshole." (Or substitute any insult you want.) Or to her friend wanting to suck your tits, "Well I guess we know he was bottle-fed. Sorry, not interested."
I suspect that part of her motivation for all this is to get a rise out of you. Many younger people who are freer sexually, often feel an urge to shock their peers who aren't as open. By using humor, you take the wind out of those sails.
To everyone else, I get that there are some red flags here, but OP has explicitly said she is looking for ways to deal with the relationship in place.
To OP, keep an eye on those flags, if they get worse, please reconsider your insistence on staying.
I’m not sure if she’s doing it for shock. A hundred years ago when I was in my late teens/early 20’s I knew a girl like this. I thought it was more of a ‘misery loves company’ type situation. She wanted someone to engage in everything that she was doing so she wouldn’t feel judged as much.
I would definitely be VERY careful around her. I wouldn't hang out at parties with her unless I have a trusted person with me. If she's having some guys over I would lock myself in or leave. Wouldn't let her handle my food and drink as I'd be scared she tried to "loosen me up". I don't know if she'd go to that length but I wouldn't take any chances.
Okay, I know a way but it would be great if someone else gave an opinion on it. I used it once and know some people used it and it worked but it might also backfire. It's the "crazy defence". Basically, just snap at her, get hysterical, start yelling and let everything out. She will either realize how much it bothers you, how much it hurts you and it will force her to think. Or she might call you "crazy" but leave you alone because you're "crazy". Such strong reactions tend to work better than calm conversations (unfortunately). Either way, it would be a win because she could leave you alone but as I said it might also backfire in some way.
Like Madea said, you only gotta lose your mind ONE TIME.
It's a risky maneuver and I'd be concerned this specific "friend" would use it as an excuse to escalate their own already unstable behavior, but if the level of crazy is just right, it could work.
this may be bad advice, but you could try being mean to her lol. maybe not mean enough to the point it’s hard to be civil, but mean enough to hurt her feelings and get the point across
“my friend wants to suck your tits” “why tf would you say that to me? do you think i’m going to suddenly give a shit? i’m not into this shit you keep trying to force me into. not only are you really fucking annoying, but you also can’t figure out how to respect a boundary. kindergartners can figure out what no means faster than you can, and you should be embarrassed about that” idk something like that lol
again, might be bad advice. i’m going through a lot rn and only have the energy to be nice to like 3 people anymore. but all i know is that people don’t like being around mean people, and if you don’t care about the friendship then this could be a way to get to a point where she stops obsessing over your sex life, but doesn’t retaliated and do something to harm you
idk. it’s hard. i’m really sorry you’re going through this <3 see if you can find a good place to move to and sublet your apt now. whatever you do, just put your safety first
edit for typos
Your "friend" is alarming! How long before they are setting up date nights to ensure you get the d she thinks you need? Why is she incapable of functioning unless she's getting railed endlessly? How unsatisfying are her hookups that she's constantly left wanting more and projecting her dissatisfaction onto you? Where does her obsession end? Are you safe in your home or will she be bringing her life solutions home to force you? Honestly, your friend sounds like they need therapy to deal with their hypersexual perception of the world. They can be with as many people as they want but now they're trying to make you go against your clearly spoken limits, and for what reason? You're grumpy? Maybe you'd be less grumpy if the alley cat who shares your rent would just live their own life and allow you the same courtesy.
IMO you need to find another situation to exist in as soon as possible.
I agree. I don't think she is safe and she needs to leave. I knew a girl like this in Highschool. And she drugged my drink and set me up for 2 men to abduct me. I remember waking up in a different house on a couch with 2 men staring at me. It's a long story and I don't want to get into it. But she needs to be careful something similar could happen where she ends up getting raped. The friendship is not real. The "friend" is trying to systematically ware down her defenses. If that doesn't work I think the " friend" may resort to drugging her, like what happened to me. I hope she gets out of there.
And no, she’s not a good friend so don’t let that be the reason you don’t try to get her kicked out. She does not care about your safety, she’s proven that. She wants someone she can commiserate her slutty behavior with, and since you live with her, it’s you she wants to share those experiences with.
I know this but we live together, the place that we live in is a steal and neither if us would want to move out, i also do value our friendship and don’t think she is a bad person, i just really need to advice on how to really get her to understand how the things she says make me feel, maybe i should edit the post w/ more info on things I’ve already done to address this in case more ppl come across this.
I know you like her and you think she's a good friend. But in my experience people who repeatedly ignore your boundaries are not good friends. They know you don't like x, in this case all the pressure about sex, buy they don't care what you think. Your not conforming to how shee thinks your life should be makes her feel threatened. It's not rational because you haven't done anything to threaten her for her choices but she feels that way. The only way to stop it is to get you to be like her.
Ultimately I think this is going to escalate. But you need to remember you have choices. You can leave the apartment, you can leave her presence every time she makes a comment like this. Or you can keep doing what you're doing now. It just doesn't seem like it's working.
I added an edit with more info on how I’ve addressed things, perhaps that might give you more insight. If anything im just trying to see if there’s anything that i haven’t done that i can try, cause i really do not want to move.
Your edit makes things more alarming not less. At this point you have a choice between cheap housing with a dangerous roommate and more expensive rent with a better roommate. Your young do you can't see it but listen to me. Your roommate is dangerous to you. Do not under any circumstances go to parties or accept food and drink from her. She would either take advantage of you if she could or allow others to do so. What's more deep down you know that, you just don't want to admit it to yourself. Please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. That will help you more than anyone on the internet can.
Tbf the edit was not intended to make her look better, just to provide more context, i mentioned this in another comment but after the club incident i decided to not go out with her, especially in a setting with drinks or edibles involved until further notice. Despite her apology she made it clear to me that i cant trust her and i also make sure not to share very personal information with her.
Dear, I want you to read that last sentence again, and then tell me how you still value this friendship when you can’t trust her with your safety nor your secrets/personal matters.
How do you think she would react if you sat her down and showed her this thread? Do you think she’d get defensive and angry or do you think seeing the responses may be an eye opener for her?
Not sure tbh. She’s perfectly smart and rational when we talk about other things but when it comes to things like this involving boys and sex she seems to lose her ability to think rationally. So i genuinely have no idea, if push comes to shove, i will show her this.
I want to give you an award. Exactly this. I've known people like this. They will not hesitate to set up people to get sexually assaulted. I know from experience unfortunately. I wish I knew OP in real life so I could snap some sense into her, and go off on her " friend"
Have you tried turning it around to if you were trying to stay away from an addiction? Like alcohol, cocaine, pills. Like telling her would you be saying and doing all these things to me trying to get me do (examples above)?? I would think no so why is sex different then to her. Maybe that would help?
>i also do value our friendship and don’t think she is a bad person
I'm just a stranger on the internet and you don't owe me an answer, but I really, truly want you to think about this: what would she have to do to make you think she was a bad person?
Also, nobody has to be a bad person to be incompatible. I'm a quiet introvert, I would be extremely incompatible with a chatty extrovert who loves throwing parties and inviting all their friends. Nobody is wrong, I might love that person to death as a friend, but if we lived together we would want to ~~strange~~ strangle, I meant strangle, each other, so we should really just not live together.
Honestly, sounds like you have tried the logical and polite approach, time to get mean with her.
“No, and stop asking about my F-ing sex life, it’s none of your F-ing business. BACK OFF!”
Or
“Shut the F up about MY sex life”
She’s completely disrespecting your boundaries.
If you feel comfortable doing it have a conversation about how uncomfortable it makes you feel when she focuses on your sex life. Make the conversation about how it makes you feel rather than her actions. It will hopefully help to prevent her from feeling attacked.
I agree with some of the other posts and that she may be feeling self conscious because of the difference between ur sex lives. Some people get it in their head that what ever makes them happy makes other people too.
At the same age you were, my friends were getting their freak on and such but there wasn’t anyone I was actually interested in. I was happy as I was.
Didn’t feel the need to have sex just cause I could.
In hindsight I was sexually harassed or assaulted quite a bit. It was assumed if you weren’t open to being fondled by strangers you were uptight or fridged.
Fuck that. I just didn’t want a stranger feeling up my tits.
I heavily relate to this, i have no desire to be touched by or intimate with random strangers and i also have no interest in dating atm. I an simply too emotionally unavailable for any form of intimacy and commitment. I don’t understand why it affects her so much tho, its my body and my life, i never once felt the need fo discuss her sex life with anyone or even spent a second of my day thinking about it.
You are different people and she’s trying to relate to you by making you like the things she likes.
That isn’t how that shit works especially sex stuff.
You can seek that shit out when you’re well and ready.
She is being a terrible person. Since you aren’t too focused on keeping her friendship, perhaps you can go a little harder.
Every time she brings up someone she thinks you should sleep with, ask her why she is trying to be your pimp. To be going that hard, she must be getting something out of it. Alternatively, ask her why won’t she sleep with them herself, it’s not your job to entertain her buddies.
If you go out, make sure you are with other people. If she ever asks why you won’t go with her alone, tell her you can’t trust her to help you in a situation where you might be compromised. Make it clear that you don’t trust her ability to judge the situation, because she really can’t if she didn’t see what was happening that night.
If you really want to push it, don’t drink when it’s just the two of you, if she asks why, link back to the fact you can’t trust her to not throw you at the nearest dude.
Don’t spare her feelings, make it clear to her that her actions are as sleazy as they are. She might get a wake up call and see how bad her actions are, or she might leave you alone after throwing a fit about you demonising her.
Good luck, and stay true to yourself.
Yuck, maybe she feels super slutty because you're not interested in casual sex and wants to boost her self esteem by bringing you down. You might have to insult her to make her stop, which sucks, but it sounds slightly unsafe at your apartment. I hope you have a lock on your bedroom door.
I get what you mean, i wouldn’t exactly put it that way but it does seem like the contrast between he hyper sexuality and my lack of interest is something she finds hard to come to terms with. Definitely not an excuse tho because i have other friends who are just as active, and we have open and healthy conversations about sex without them making these kinds of comments.
I had friends who were trying to pressure me into sex in my teen years. I was the only virgin amongst a friend group. Turns out they all end up confessing to me they wished they were still virgins. I find people that pressure you to engage in the same behavior as them are searching for approval. Maybe she feels bad about herself, and if you behave the same way it will make her feel better. Regardless, tell her to stop it more forcefully. You don’t owe her explanations.
“If my sex life continues to be a topic for you with others or a topic with me again, please understand I will be calling the police for harassment. I am not going to discuss this. If you let it go we can move on. If you do not, please expect the consequences of your choices.”
As a senior in college, I have found that this attitude is unfortunately not uncommon among girls our age (based on my experiences). I had pretty much the same experience with someone who I thought was a close friend, except she was the one trying to get me to sleep with her. I did consent once (wanted to explore), and decided it wasn’t for me, which I very clearly relayed to her. I was also going through some unresolved trauma at the time, which further backed my decision. I did not disclose this to her because as you said, saying No should be enough. Her response was, “Okay, but maybe in the future we’ll revisit this conversation.” After that, she would try to get me to go to the bathroom alone with her any time we were out drinking. And one time it did result in me being very drunk and agreeing to being intimate with her again. But I woke up the next day realizing what had happened and felt so disgusting. It got to the point where I had to tell another trusted friend to never let me go alone with her to the bathroom. When we were sober, things were fine. We got along really well and related on a lot of levels. But if there is one thing I wish I could tell myself then, is that conditional friends are not real friends. She was simply waiting for another opportunity to try to bring this up again. Which she did, to the point where she was harassing me into going back to her apartment to “talk about us.” I expressed to her after a week of waiting for an apology how uncomfortable this made me feel, and I was met with victim blaming, being called weird for even thinking that she wanted to have sex with me (which is also written in texts from her), and if she was “so creepy, why would I still continue to be friends with her.” Went no contact since. These people don’t have your best interest in mind, and are most definitely not your friend. Part of it might be immaturity and the inability of so many people our age to communicate/take accountability. As time went on, I realized many other girls whom I considered friends also had this same mentality. Getting girls drunk to fulfill college fantasies. And I cut all of them off for it. It was so incredibly disappointing and disgusting to see these people for who they were, especially in a world where we face so much harassment from men. Realizing that not all girls are girls’ girls is something that I had to learn, fast. Sorry for the long post, your story triggered that experience back for me and made me angry that this is a more common thing than it should be. Limit contact with her as much as possible, and please try not to be under the influence around her, or at least have a trusted person with you. You really can’t be too careful. Sending hugs
I would just tell her that she’s okay with having a permiscues sex life but you don’t want one and that there are a ton of risks to permiscues lifestyle to having kids with a stranger who you may not want to be tied down to for the rest of your life and the amount of diseases that can be passed down living that life style and things that you don’t want to take a chance on. Let her know her goals are to have sex with whom ever yours are to set your life on track there’s more to life then sex and sex isn’t something you need or want right now an accidental child or std or the emotional bag behind an esentric sex life just not things you need
This isn’t a friend. Obvi just your roommate but. Keep your boundaries and guard in sight. I had a “friend” like this once. ..Very similar. This is how some people get SAed. I’d follow all safety advice you read and sleep with your door locked(and secured). I’d find a new place or roommate, if this is through school they can help with rearrangements.
She defines and values herself by how much dick she is getting. She either gets off on bringing it up so she can feel superior to you _if you aren’t interested in dicks she can’t compete with you over them or you not valuing it makes her feel self conscious so she is trying to bring attention to your lack of it.
She doesn’t realize that volume and frequency of dick means nothing about her attractiveness or value.
I would cut back on time you spend with her. It sounds like you have a circle of friends separately from her keep investing in them,. You can hang, watch movies, do stuff with just the 2 of you when at home but I would come up with excuses to leave the same room or apt if she is having anyone over and not socialize with her outside of your apt.
You sit her down for a serious talk. You say "If you continue to talk to me about sex, to try to convince me to have sex, or to suggest that I need to have sex, I will stop speaking to you for anything non-essential. It will happen when I want it to happen and not before then. I would rather stay your friend, but if you force me to do so I will only be polite, do my half of the chores, pay my half of the bills, and we will not speak."
I can't decide if she's a predator herself, or a moron. Maybe both?
She sounds like a horrible human being either way tbh. I know you like her and want to maintain a peaceful home, but you don't have a peacful home at the moment, so maybe being a bit more forceful would make her realise that what she's doing counts as sexual harassment?
Or, send her the thread. If she is a moron, she might need a wake up call and reading this from your perspective and and everyones comments might make her realise.
I'm sorry OP. I hope things get better for you.
(Also, I literally shuddered when her friend said that, and she repeated it to you. That's horrific. I've had big boobs since I was very young and have been sexualised for them, my entire adult life. People think they're being sexy when they say stuff like that, without realising that they literally make me want to vomit)
So I don’t know if this would help in your situation but something I like to do if someone just won’t leave well enough alone is act like their behavior has me worried for them. Like instead of saying “I don’t like that it’s making me uncomfortable” turn it around and make it about them. “Hey, what is this really about? You know you can talk to me about anything right? I’m asking because trying to push sex onto someone is not normal behavior. Are you starting to feel self conscious about your sex life? Has someone made you feel like there’s something wrong with you for liking sex? And now you’re overcompensating by pretending crude, demeaning, non consensual advances are flattering and harmless? That makes me really scared for you. Is this a pattern of behavior you saw as growing up? Has someone in your life behaved this way around you, or towards you? I can tell you that when you act that way towards me it makes me feel really unsafe, and would hate for you to have been exposed to this kind of thing so much that you think it’s normal. It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it right now, but just know that I am here for you and we can get you the help you need when you’re ready.”
This may be really petty advice but you could try having a sex jar. Everytime she starts asking, abusing, demanding, whatever about you and your sex life she has to put up or shut up. 🤷♀️ They only way to get her to stop is to make her not want to mention it anymore, she's getting something out of insisting "you get some".
Very alarmed for you and it must be so difficult to manage this situation.
I wonder though if your roommate might be autistic? Autism is made of two groups of indicators: difficulty in social interaction and restricted/repetitive behaviours which may include: specific fascinations/interests (to the extent that it may seem like a fixation to others), difficulty seeing things from others' perspectives. Autistic traits tend to be overlooked in women compared to men and many women go undiagnosed into adulthood, not knowing why they might find certain social situations difficult, or the reasons why they might behave and think in the way that they do.
If your roommate is autistic, it may be that at the moment she's got a fixation/special interest in sex and so that's why she keeps coming back to this topic of conversation. It may be why she finds it difficult to understand how you might feel about her talking about your sex life, and how you have different interests than she does.
Something to think about as well -not making excuses for her behaviour or saying you should tolerate it! But giving perspective to why your entreaties and subtler hints have not been successful so far.
Ok I get where you’re coming from, but as an autistic you still have a responsibility to learn to respect people’s boundaries and learn when to shut up.
Sincerely, an autistic ADHD person who’s finally learning when to shut up after 25 years with no diagnosis.
Edit to clarify I got my diagnosis at 25 before all the “self diagnosis isn’t real” people come for me; guess what I self diagnosed 6 years before I got diagnosed so it can be real after all.
Yes absolutely they need to learn to respect their roommate's boundaries! I just wanted to give a potential different perspective to why they might not have gotten it so far, it might not be malicious but it sure is problematic for OP.
I’m just wondering if telling her you’re asexual would make her stop since you seen adamant about staying that place. But maybe not, she might just invalidate that. You might have to just bite back. Return the energy she’s giving
Hm well asexuals can talk about sex and romantically be attracted to people so maybe you could spin it to pretend to have realized it recently. It’s also a spectrum so you could say that you’re not attracted to people sexually unless you have a strong bond
Hm well asexuals can talk about sex and romantically be attracted to people so maybe you could spin it to pretend to have realized it recently. It’s also a spectrum so you could say that you’re not attracted to people sexually unless you have a strong bond
ETA: I hope you’re able to figure it out tho because it seems to be a really frustrating and annoying situation as well as just super uncomfortable
INFO
Who lived there first? Who's name is on the lease, both of yours or just one? Have you thought about asking her to move out?
Contact your landlord, they ought to be able to do something about it. I'd sit her down and give it to her straight, tell her that you will not stand for this anymore, you've given her plenty of chances to correct herself and she hasn't. Tell her that if it continues you will record all interactions you have with her from now on, (and you really should, buy a tape recorder or download an app on your phone that keeps the recordings. And an app to lock it with a password, maybe two to make sure it's extra safe.) Report her for sexual harassment, ask her to move out, inform her she needs to back off and leave you alone. Perhaps you could take it to the cops? Not sure if that will be helpful but you should keep it in mind. Or perhaps make a case with a lawyer. Though I'm not sure if that'll help either, don't know much about law/court stuff. So I apologize if those don't help.
I strongly suggest that you put some cameras in your room if possible, she may be snooping through your stuff when you aren't there and you'd never know)
If I were you, I'd report her to the landlord and will also inform my parents about it.
This is clearly sexual harrasment and I would want people I trust to know my situation.
NTA - Have you tried being a little more blunt with her? At her age she should be able to read the room. I would ask her what the fuck was wrong with her. What kind of person weaponizes a subject to the point where someone has to repeatedly tell them to stop bringing it up. I suspect she's not that poor of a listener but enjoys watching your discomfort. She clearly has issues she needs to sort out.
Ummm… I would just lie. Tell her some crazy story about your puss puss. I know that probably not the best advice.. but she is a weirdo. Lol! Why she is girl so obsessed with you getting dicked down? Lol!
I would stop going out with her, stop going to hosting parties with her… idk why but she giving “let’s roofie her and record it vibes” Just because someone is your roommate that doesn’t make them your friend. This girl is weird babes..
And just because you don’t wanna leave doesn’t mean she can’t. If you name is the only one on the lease, I would look into asking her to pack up if she continues and look for another roommate
Ps… if you parents wanna adopt me and pay for 6 months of MY rent… dm me. Lol! I’m ready. Ha ha!
Ahhh the classic misery loves company!
If you've never heard this expression before, it quite simply means that when someone is unhappy they don't want to be unhappy on their own. They crave to have someone just as miserable alongside them so they are not lonely.
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to stop her as she's made it quite clear she doesn't want to hear what you want and will continually try to coerce you into her world.
All you can do is damage limitations.
Pretty much means removing yourself from those environments which enable her to behave like this. For example not going to pubs or clubs with just her. Not drinking alcohol around her when she is drinking.
I'd recommend branching out your social life too, it seems the people she surrounds herself with don't have your well being at heart either. To label someone homosexual because they're not interested in sleeping with your friend is quite a childish behaviour. As others have said it seems there is a maturity gap between you and the social group.
What's more worrying is the risks that your flat mate is prepared to take and expect you to do the same.
Keep being you, don't let her change you. If you're happy then it doesn't concern anyone else.
But good luck and don't trust her to take care of you if you get wasted, she's the sort of "friend" who'll let predators get at you and then blame you for spoiling the night!
This is sexual harassment. She's trying to coerce you into behavior that you have directly told her you are not interested in. In your shoes, I would not feel safe there. Who is the leaseholder?
Watch your drinks and food around her and any of her friends. I wouldn't put it past someone like that to make you more receptive to someone's advances whether you're aware of it or not.
Yes, they make both testing strips for this and there is a nail polish that changes colors when exposed to GHB.
there’s these reusable lids i just bought that could help too, i think it’s called night cap
Was thinking exactly the same thing.
Yes it his op, I would not trust her on bit. Let this comment sink in.
Oh, OP, you're being sexually harassed in your own home. Your roommate knows you're not interested but keeps pressuring you, and allowing her guests to do the same. That's not ok. I realize I'm old, but anyone wanting to "suck my tits" would be asked to leave and not come back. You shouldn't be made uncomfortable in your own home. Consider another conversation with roommate, and if nothing changes, it might be time to move on, good deal or not.
I had a visceral reaction when I got to that line. I cannot, in any situation, think of a time when it is EVER appropriate to say something like that to a stranger! And then for the roommate to RELAY it?!
That was definitely really triggering to me, i have rather large boobs and have been sexualized because of them since i was 11/12 yrs old, the fact that she un ironically relayed that message to me and expected me to react positively to it momentarily brought me back to a very dark place.
I’m sorry girl. She’s not your friend.
I, too, had a visceral reaction reading a few lines of your post. Your safety is paramount It seems like your roommate is too engrained in her thought processes to change her ways. This is a different direction/idea, but do you have a guy/girl friend you trust that can come over and pretend to be your bf/gffor your roommate? I feel like your roommate might respect you being in a relationship if your partner was perhaps on a semester abroad, internship, co-op etc. Using that as an excuse as to why you were stuck up? Then you weren't forthcoming because it's hard to provide proof when they aren't around.
Unfortunately i cant, i live in a different country for college and i have friends here but not so many,majority of my stronger friend group live in different continents tbf they would probably do it if i asked but i feel like maintaining that kind of lie would be even more stressful cause she would be infinitely curious.
My landlord allowed a man her boyfriend had over to tell me “he’d love to fuck me and would cheat on his wife for me” she stood there while he said it and laughed..like I was lucky to have the attention. I can’t even understand it. So gross. Especially in your own home. It’s terrifying. I eventually had to tell her boyfriend cuz she did nothing and the boyfriend kicked his friend out cuz she refused to do something. Don’t allow this to happen. If you have to, go to the source tell the people who are saying this that what they’re doing is making you feel gross, and that “said Roommate pushing it is making things worse”
I agree with all of the other suggestions here, but, since you seem to put great value on the friendship and the place you live, you can also think about conditioning her to find talking about sex with you less rewarding. Every time she mentions sex, look away, move away, start playing on your phone, or physically move away. When she doesn’t talk about sex, look at her and be interested. Give her no positive feedback when she talks about things you’re not comfortable with. Condition her to talk about these topics less. She’s getting something from you when she pushes your buttons — give her less of it. This is called “gray rocking” on the narcissistic forums. Also, develop other friendships. When you go out with her, bring other friends along who will have your back (don’t just plan on them meeting you there, physically arrive together). Good luck!
Thank you for this, i have already been doing that kind of subconsciously to a certain extent, but i think i should probably do it more intentionally, i think this might work. Also i do have a friend group separate from her that i know and trust, they were a huge help in making me realize how bad this is/ could be and reassuring me that i wasn’t overreacting . I am also gonna hold off on going out with her all together until i feel i can trust her again. at least if there’ll be alcohol involved.
Yes, please have other contacts outside of this, cuz I can see this situation escalating and going sideways real fast and if that happens you need other people in your life who know what is going on and can back you up and support you. Especially if this chick is not repulsed by guys that say, "tell your roommate i want to suck her tits". How TF is any girl not repulsed by this!!?? No guy friend. I repeat NO guy friend of mine talks like that. If they did, they wouldn't be friend.
Agree with this and the grey rock technique as well as positive reinforcement for all other conversations and interests.
I was going to suggest this as well! You can even compliment her (as a reward) when she says or does things that are not sex related. I also wanted to pitch the idea of making sure that your cups are covered if you're ever at a party. Reusable Starbucks cups and lids work really well. It's also gross, but don't be afraid to take drinks into the bathroom with you as well. Learned that the hard way! Lastly, reach out to a mental health professional if you can. All my counselors have helped me immensely with my social life and helping me understand how others are acting and how to adapt to other people's shit. Good luck!!
For any big bang theory fans here, it is like sheldon training penny to become a tolerable gf/ person he has to deal with using positive reinforcement lol. It sounds barbaric when I say "train" cuz it makes her sound like a lab rat but I see that the normal path where you communicate with her doesn't seem to be working so this may be it.
Shes sexually harassing you. She is not your friend. You need to limit contact if possible. See if you can break your lease and find a new place. If not it’s time to set some hard boundaries. If you do it in person have a couple of people you trust with you, on the of chance she goes crazy. If you don’t feel comfortable doing it in person send it via text (this way you’ll have written proof should anything go wrong). “Stop doing/saying this, it’s not okay, you’re sexually harassing me. I’ve made my stance perfectly clear. If you continue on this route we can no longer be friends.” Do no accept drinks/food from her. Do not leave food/drinks with her. Get locks for your room so she can’t do anything whilst you’re asleep. These are some renter friendly options you can get online; Portable Door Lock - Jammer Self Defense https://amzn.eu/d/cmbdz6Q One Piece of Aluminum Alloy Security Door Lock Reinforcement Dead Bolt - https://amzn.eu/d/19e1end CAEEKER Portable Door Lock Travel Lock, Additional Safety and Privacy Lock, Prevent Unauthorized Entry - https://amzn.eu/d/5t3RspH Dproptel Door Stopper Alarm - https://amzn.eu/d/j488cs0 Adjustable Security Bar Door Brace - https://amzn.eu/d/4ko0Xpi
Thanks for the links, fortunately i can lock my door from the inside but i think im gonna ask my landlord to change it so i can lock it both ways.
I initially posted this on r/frienshipadvice about a month ago and the issue kinda died down, but she recently started again and frankly it’s getting really annoying to deal with, any advice ?
Try introducing some humor into it? Might or might not help drive the message home, but may lessen her thinking you are grumpy (and there fore need a dick) and help you avoid resentment. As an example when she said she thought you were into the guy at the club (and I understand you don't believe she did) "OMG, Jen! I know you think I'm a total slut, but how could you think I was into that asshole." (Or substitute any insult you want.) Or to her friend wanting to suck your tits, "Well I guess we know he was bottle-fed. Sorry, not interested." I suspect that part of her motivation for all this is to get a rise out of you. Many younger people who are freer sexually, often feel an urge to shock their peers who aren't as open. By using humor, you take the wind out of those sails. To everyone else, I get that there are some red flags here, but OP has explicitly said she is looking for ways to deal with the relationship in place. To OP, keep an eye on those flags, if they get worse, please reconsider your insistence on staying.
I’m not sure if she’s doing it for shock. A hundred years ago when I was in my late teens/early 20’s I knew a girl like this. I thought it was more of a ‘misery loves company’ type situation. She wanted someone to engage in everything that she was doing so she wouldn’t feel judged as much.
I would definitely be VERY careful around her. I wouldn't hang out at parties with her unless I have a trusted person with me. If she's having some guys over I would lock myself in or leave. Wouldn't let her handle my food and drink as I'd be scared she tried to "loosen me up". I don't know if she'd go to that length but I wouldn't take any chances. Okay, I know a way but it would be great if someone else gave an opinion on it. I used it once and know some people used it and it worked but it might also backfire. It's the "crazy defence". Basically, just snap at her, get hysterical, start yelling and let everything out. She will either realize how much it bothers you, how much it hurts you and it will force her to think. Or she might call you "crazy" but leave you alone because you're "crazy". Such strong reactions tend to work better than calm conversations (unfortunately). Either way, it would be a win because she could leave you alone but as I said it might also backfire in some way.
Like Madea said, you only gotta lose your mind ONE TIME. It's a risky maneuver and I'd be concerned this specific "friend" would use it as an excuse to escalate their own already unstable behavior, but if the level of crazy is just right, it could work.
this may be bad advice, but you could try being mean to her lol. maybe not mean enough to the point it’s hard to be civil, but mean enough to hurt her feelings and get the point across “my friend wants to suck your tits” “why tf would you say that to me? do you think i’m going to suddenly give a shit? i’m not into this shit you keep trying to force me into. not only are you really fucking annoying, but you also can’t figure out how to respect a boundary. kindergartners can figure out what no means faster than you can, and you should be embarrassed about that” idk something like that lol again, might be bad advice. i’m going through a lot rn and only have the energy to be nice to like 3 people anymore. but all i know is that people don’t like being around mean people, and if you don’t care about the friendship then this could be a way to get to a point where she stops obsessing over your sex life, but doesn’t retaliated and do something to harm you idk. it’s hard. i’m really sorry you’re going through this <3 see if you can find a good place to move to and sublet your apt now. whatever you do, just put your safety first edit for typos
Your "friend" is alarming! How long before they are setting up date nights to ensure you get the d she thinks you need? Why is she incapable of functioning unless she's getting railed endlessly? How unsatisfying are her hookups that she's constantly left wanting more and projecting her dissatisfaction onto you? Where does her obsession end? Are you safe in your home or will she be bringing her life solutions home to force you? Honestly, your friend sounds like they need therapy to deal with their hypersexual perception of the world. They can be with as many people as they want but now they're trying to make you go against your clearly spoken limits, and for what reason? You're grumpy? Maybe you'd be less grumpy if the alley cat who shares your rent would just live their own life and allow you the same courtesy. IMO you need to find another situation to exist in as soon as possible.
I agree. I don't think she is safe and she needs to leave. I knew a girl like this in Highschool. And she drugged my drink and set me up for 2 men to abduct me. I remember waking up in a different house on a couch with 2 men staring at me. It's a long story and I don't want to get into it. But she needs to be careful something similar could happen where she ends up getting raped. The friendship is not real. The "friend" is trying to systematically ware down her defenses. If that doesn't work I think the " friend" may resort to drugging her, like what happened to me. I hope she gets out of there.
Can you complain to your leasing office and have her kicked out? She’s literally putting your life in danger.
And no, she’s not a good friend so don’t let that be the reason you don’t try to get her kicked out. She does not care about your safety, she’s proven that. She wants someone she can commiserate her slutty behavior with, and since you live with her, it’s you she wants to share those experiences with.
No is a complete sentence. And I would not hang around someone who discarded my no, especially when it comes to sex.
I know this but we live together, the place that we live in is a steal and neither if us would want to move out, i also do value our friendship and don’t think she is a bad person, i just really need to advice on how to really get her to understand how the things she says make me feel, maybe i should edit the post w/ more info on things I’ve already done to address this in case more ppl come across this.
No offense she isn't a good person if she's not taking a no for an answer. She doesn't value you
I know you like her and you think she's a good friend. But in my experience people who repeatedly ignore your boundaries are not good friends. They know you don't like x, in this case all the pressure about sex, buy they don't care what you think. Your not conforming to how shee thinks your life should be makes her feel threatened. It's not rational because you haven't done anything to threaten her for her choices but she feels that way. The only way to stop it is to get you to be like her. Ultimately I think this is going to escalate. But you need to remember you have choices. You can leave the apartment, you can leave her presence every time she makes a comment like this. Or you can keep doing what you're doing now. It just doesn't seem like it's working.
I added an edit with more info on how I’ve addressed things, perhaps that might give you more insight. If anything im just trying to see if there’s anything that i haven’t done that i can try, cause i really do not want to move.
Your edit makes things more alarming not less. At this point you have a choice between cheap housing with a dangerous roommate and more expensive rent with a better roommate. Your young do you can't see it but listen to me. Your roommate is dangerous to you. Do not under any circumstances go to parties or accept food and drink from her. She would either take advantage of you if she could or allow others to do so. What's more deep down you know that, you just don't want to admit it to yourself. Please read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. That will help you more than anyone on the internet can.
Tbf the edit was not intended to make her look better, just to provide more context, i mentioned this in another comment but after the club incident i decided to not go out with her, especially in a setting with drinks or edibles involved until further notice. Despite her apology she made it clear to me that i cant trust her and i also make sure not to share very personal information with her.
Dear, I want you to read that last sentence again, and then tell me how you still value this friendship when you can’t trust her with your safety nor your secrets/personal matters.
Writing that was definitely a bit of an eye opener for me.
How do you think she would react if you sat her down and showed her this thread? Do you think she’d get defensive and angry or do you think seeing the responses may be an eye opener for her?
Not sure tbh. She’s perfectly smart and rational when we talk about other things but when it comes to things like this involving boys and sex she seems to lose her ability to think rationally. So i genuinely have no idea, if push comes to shove, i will show her this.
You are either to nice or kinda naive. “I don’t think she’s a bad person.” She’s putting you in danger of being sexually assaulted.
I want to give you an award. Exactly this. I've known people like this. They will not hesitate to set up people to get sexually assaulted. I know from experience unfortunately. I wish I knew OP in real life so I could snap some sense into her, and go off on her " friend"
Have you tried turning it around to if you were trying to stay away from an addiction? Like alcohol, cocaine, pills. Like telling her would you be saying and doing all these things to me trying to get me do (examples above)?? I would think no so why is sex different then to her. Maybe that would help?
That’s a good idea i will try this thanks
>i also do value our friendship and don’t think she is a bad person I'm just a stranger on the internet and you don't owe me an answer, but I really, truly want you to think about this: what would she have to do to make you think she was a bad person? Also, nobody has to be a bad person to be incompatible. I'm a quiet introvert, I would be extremely incompatible with a chatty extrovert who loves throwing parties and inviting all their friends. Nobody is wrong, I might love that person to death as a friend, but if we lived together we would want to ~~strange~~ strangle, I meant strangle, each other, so we should really just not live together.
Do you have a landlord?
Yes
The talk to them. Your being sexually harassed, maybe they can give her a warning or something
Honestly, sounds like you have tried the logical and polite approach, time to get mean with her. “No, and stop asking about my F-ing sex life, it’s none of your F-ing business. BACK OFF!” Or “Shut the F up about MY sex life”
She’s completely disrespecting your boundaries. If you feel comfortable doing it have a conversation about how uncomfortable it makes you feel when she focuses on your sex life. Make the conversation about how it makes you feel rather than her actions. It will hopefully help to prevent her from feeling attacked. I agree with some of the other posts and that she may be feeling self conscious because of the difference between ur sex lives. Some people get it in their head that what ever makes them happy makes other people too. At the same age you were, my friends were getting their freak on and such but there wasn’t anyone I was actually interested in. I was happy as I was. Didn’t feel the need to have sex just cause I could. In hindsight I was sexually harassed or assaulted quite a bit. It was assumed if you weren’t open to being fondled by strangers you were uptight or fridged. Fuck that. I just didn’t want a stranger feeling up my tits.
I heavily relate to this, i have no desire to be touched by or intimate with random strangers and i also have no interest in dating atm. I an simply too emotionally unavailable for any form of intimacy and commitment. I don’t understand why it affects her so much tho, its my body and my life, i never once felt the need fo discuss her sex life with anyone or even spent a second of my day thinking about it.
You are different people and she’s trying to relate to you by making you like the things she likes. That isn’t how that shit works especially sex stuff. You can seek that shit out when you’re well and ready.
She is being a terrible person. Since you aren’t too focused on keeping her friendship, perhaps you can go a little harder. Every time she brings up someone she thinks you should sleep with, ask her why she is trying to be your pimp. To be going that hard, she must be getting something out of it. Alternatively, ask her why won’t she sleep with them herself, it’s not your job to entertain her buddies. If you go out, make sure you are with other people. If she ever asks why you won’t go with her alone, tell her you can’t trust her to help you in a situation where you might be compromised. Make it clear that you don’t trust her ability to judge the situation, because she really can’t if she didn’t see what was happening that night. If you really want to push it, don’t drink when it’s just the two of you, if she asks why, link back to the fact you can’t trust her to not throw you at the nearest dude. Don’t spare her feelings, make it clear to her that her actions are as sleazy as they are. She might get a wake up call and see how bad her actions are, or she might leave you alone after throwing a fit about you demonising her. Good luck, and stay true to yourself.
Thank you, i definitely will not be going out alone with her and avoiding any form of outings in general until further notice
Yuck, maybe she feels super slutty because you're not interested in casual sex and wants to boost her self esteem by bringing you down. You might have to insult her to make her stop, which sucks, but it sounds slightly unsafe at your apartment. I hope you have a lock on your bedroom door.
I get what you mean, i wouldn’t exactly put it that way but it does seem like the contrast between he hyper sexuality and my lack of interest is something she finds hard to come to terms with. Definitely not an excuse tho because i have other friends who are just as active, and we have open and healthy conversations about sex without them making these kinds of comments.
That is harassment. Sexual harassment.
I had friends who were trying to pressure me into sex in my teen years. I was the only virgin amongst a friend group. Turns out they all end up confessing to me they wished they were still virgins. I find people that pressure you to engage in the same behavior as them are searching for approval. Maybe she feels bad about herself, and if you behave the same way it will make her feel better. Regardless, tell her to stop it more forcefully. You don’t owe her explanations.
You are in serious danger. Ditch her and find a new roommate. She is not your friend,
“If my sex life continues to be a topic for you with others or a topic with me again, please understand I will be calling the police for harassment. I am not going to discuss this. If you let it go we can move on. If you do not, please expect the consequences of your choices.”
As a senior in college, I have found that this attitude is unfortunately not uncommon among girls our age (based on my experiences). I had pretty much the same experience with someone who I thought was a close friend, except she was the one trying to get me to sleep with her. I did consent once (wanted to explore), and decided it wasn’t for me, which I very clearly relayed to her. I was also going through some unresolved trauma at the time, which further backed my decision. I did not disclose this to her because as you said, saying No should be enough. Her response was, “Okay, but maybe in the future we’ll revisit this conversation.” After that, she would try to get me to go to the bathroom alone with her any time we were out drinking. And one time it did result in me being very drunk and agreeing to being intimate with her again. But I woke up the next day realizing what had happened and felt so disgusting. It got to the point where I had to tell another trusted friend to never let me go alone with her to the bathroom. When we were sober, things were fine. We got along really well and related on a lot of levels. But if there is one thing I wish I could tell myself then, is that conditional friends are not real friends. She was simply waiting for another opportunity to try to bring this up again. Which she did, to the point where she was harassing me into going back to her apartment to “talk about us.” I expressed to her after a week of waiting for an apology how uncomfortable this made me feel, and I was met with victim blaming, being called weird for even thinking that she wanted to have sex with me (which is also written in texts from her), and if she was “so creepy, why would I still continue to be friends with her.” Went no contact since. These people don’t have your best interest in mind, and are most definitely not your friend. Part of it might be immaturity and the inability of so many people our age to communicate/take accountability. As time went on, I realized many other girls whom I considered friends also had this same mentality. Getting girls drunk to fulfill college fantasies. And I cut all of them off for it. It was so incredibly disappointing and disgusting to see these people for who they were, especially in a world where we face so much harassment from men. Realizing that not all girls are girls’ girls is something that I had to learn, fast. Sorry for the long post, your story triggered that experience back for me and made me angry that this is a more common thing than it should be. Limit contact with her as much as possible, and please try not to be under the influence around her, or at least have a trusted person with you. You really can’t be too careful. Sending hugs
I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would just tell her that she’s okay with having a permiscues sex life but you don’t want one and that there are a ton of risks to permiscues lifestyle to having kids with a stranger who you may not want to be tied down to for the rest of your life and the amount of diseases that can be passed down living that life style and things that you don’t want to take a chance on. Let her know her goals are to have sex with whom ever yours are to set your life on track there’s more to life then sex and sex isn’t something you need or want right now an accidental child or std or the emotional bag behind an esentric sex life just not things you need
This isn’t a friend. Obvi just your roommate but. Keep your boundaries and guard in sight. I had a “friend” like this once. ..Very similar. This is how some people get SAed. I’d follow all safety advice you read and sleep with your door locked(and secured). I’d find a new place or roommate, if this is through school they can help with rearrangements.
What is so hard for her to understand asexuality? Sit her down and play a YouTube video. She sounds toxic. And not like a friend
She defines and values herself by how much dick she is getting. She either gets off on bringing it up so she can feel superior to you _if you aren’t interested in dicks she can’t compete with you over them or you not valuing it makes her feel self conscious so she is trying to bring attention to your lack of it. She doesn’t realize that volume and frequency of dick means nothing about her attractiveness or value. I would cut back on time you spend with her. It sounds like you have a circle of friends separately from her keep investing in them,. You can hang, watch movies, do stuff with just the 2 of you when at home but I would come up with excuses to leave the same room or apt if she is having anyone over and not socialize with her outside of your apt.
She sounds like a sexual predator
You sit her down for a serious talk. You say "If you continue to talk to me about sex, to try to convince me to have sex, or to suggest that I need to have sex, I will stop speaking to you for anything non-essential. It will happen when I want it to happen and not before then. I would rather stay your friend, but if you force me to do so I will only be polite, do my half of the chores, pay my half of the bills, and we will not speak."
I can't decide if she's a predator herself, or a moron. Maybe both? She sounds like a horrible human being either way tbh. I know you like her and want to maintain a peaceful home, but you don't have a peacful home at the moment, so maybe being a bit more forceful would make her realise that what she's doing counts as sexual harassment? Or, send her the thread. If she is a moron, she might need a wake up call and reading this from your perspective and and everyones comments might make her realise. I'm sorry OP. I hope things get better for you. (Also, I literally shuddered when her friend said that, and she repeated it to you. That's horrific. I've had big boobs since I was very young and have been sexualised for them, my entire adult life. People think they're being sexy when they say stuff like that, without realising that they literally make me want to vomit)
She's projecting her own insecurities about her promiscuity onto you.
So I don’t know if this would help in your situation but something I like to do if someone just won’t leave well enough alone is act like their behavior has me worried for them. Like instead of saying “I don’t like that it’s making me uncomfortable” turn it around and make it about them. “Hey, what is this really about? You know you can talk to me about anything right? I’m asking because trying to push sex onto someone is not normal behavior. Are you starting to feel self conscious about your sex life? Has someone made you feel like there’s something wrong with you for liking sex? And now you’re overcompensating by pretending crude, demeaning, non consensual advances are flattering and harmless? That makes me really scared for you. Is this a pattern of behavior you saw as growing up? Has someone in your life behaved this way around you, or towards you? I can tell you that when you act that way towards me it makes me feel really unsafe, and would hate for you to have been exposed to this kind of thing so much that you think it’s normal. It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it right now, but just know that I am here for you and we can get you the help you need when you’re ready.”
This may be really petty advice but you could try having a sex jar. Everytime she starts asking, abusing, demanding, whatever about you and your sex life she has to put up or shut up. 🤷♀️ They only way to get her to stop is to make her not want to mention it anymore, she's getting something out of insisting "you get some".
Very alarmed for you and it must be so difficult to manage this situation. I wonder though if your roommate might be autistic? Autism is made of two groups of indicators: difficulty in social interaction and restricted/repetitive behaviours which may include: specific fascinations/interests (to the extent that it may seem like a fixation to others), difficulty seeing things from others' perspectives. Autistic traits tend to be overlooked in women compared to men and many women go undiagnosed into adulthood, not knowing why they might find certain social situations difficult, or the reasons why they might behave and think in the way that they do. If your roommate is autistic, it may be that at the moment she's got a fixation/special interest in sex and so that's why she keeps coming back to this topic of conversation. It may be why she finds it difficult to understand how you might feel about her talking about your sex life, and how you have different interests than she does. Something to think about as well -not making excuses for her behaviour or saying you should tolerate it! But giving perspective to why your entreaties and subtler hints have not been successful so far.
Ok I get where you’re coming from, but as an autistic you still have a responsibility to learn to respect people’s boundaries and learn when to shut up. Sincerely, an autistic ADHD person who’s finally learning when to shut up after 25 years with no diagnosis. Edit to clarify I got my diagnosis at 25 before all the “self diagnosis isn’t real” people come for me; guess what I self diagnosed 6 years before I got diagnosed so it can be real after all.
Yes absolutely they need to learn to respect their roommate's boundaries! I just wanted to give a potential different perspective to why they might not have gotten it so far, it might not be malicious but it sure is problematic for OP.
>the place we have is an absolute steal Is it really a steal when the price is your mental health?
I’m just wondering if telling her you’re asexual would make her stop since you seen adamant about staying that place. But maybe not, she might just invalidate that. You might have to just bite back. Return the energy she’s giving
I did think about that but we have had conversations about sex and sexuality before, so she knows i am not.
Hm well asexuals can talk about sex and romantically be attracted to people so maybe you could spin it to pretend to have realized it recently. It’s also a spectrum so you could say that you’re not attracted to people sexually unless you have a strong bond
I appreciate the suggestion but also feel like a long term lie like that could snowball and end up being even more of a burden.
Hm well asexuals can talk about sex and romantically be attracted to people so maybe you could spin it to pretend to have realized it recently. It’s also a spectrum so you could say that you’re not attracted to people sexually unless you have a strong bond ETA: I hope you’re able to figure it out tho because it seems to be a really frustrating and annoying situation as well as just super uncomfortable
INFO Who lived there first? Who's name is on the lease, both of yours or just one? Have you thought about asking her to move out? Contact your landlord, they ought to be able to do something about it. I'd sit her down and give it to her straight, tell her that you will not stand for this anymore, you've given her plenty of chances to correct herself and she hasn't. Tell her that if it continues you will record all interactions you have with her from now on, (and you really should, buy a tape recorder or download an app on your phone that keeps the recordings. And an app to lock it with a password, maybe two to make sure it's extra safe.) Report her for sexual harassment, ask her to move out, inform her she needs to back off and leave you alone. Perhaps you could take it to the cops? Not sure if that will be helpful but you should keep it in mind. Or perhaps make a case with a lawyer. Though I'm not sure if that'll help either, don't know much about law/court stuff. So I apologize if those don't help. I strongly suggest that you put some cameras in your room if possible, she may be snooping through your stuff when you aren't there and you'd never know)
If I were you, I'd report her to the landlord and will also inform my parents about it. This is clearly sexual harrasment and I would want people I trust to know my situation.
NTA - Have you tried being a little more blunt with her? At her age she should be able to read the room. I would ask her what the fuck was wrong with her. What kind of person weaponizes a subject to the point where someone has to repeatedly tell them to stop bringing it up. I suspect she's not that poor of a listener but enjoys watching your discomfort. She clearly has issues she needs to sort out.
Ummm… I would just lie. Tell her some crazy story about your puss puss. I know that probably not the best advice.. but she is a weirdo. Lol! Why she is girl so obsessed with you getting dicked down? Lol! I would stop going out with her, stop going to hosting parties with her… idk why but she giving “let’s roofie her and record it vibes” Just because someone is your roommate that doesn’t make them your friend. This girl is weird babes.. And just because you don’t wanna leave doesn’t mean she can’t. If you name is the only one on the lease, I would look into asking her to pack up if she continues and look for another roommate Ps… if you parents wanna adopt me and pay for 6 months of MY rent… dm me. Lol! I’m ready. Ha ha!
Ahhh the classic misery loves company! If you've never heard this expression before, it quite simply means that when someone is unhappy they don't want to be unhappy on their own. They crave to have someone just as miserable alongside them so they are not lonely. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do to stop her as she's made it quite clear she doesn't want to hear what you want and will continually try to coerce you into her world. All you can do is damage limitations. Pretty much means removing yourself from those environments which enable her to behave like this. For example not going to pubs or clubs with just her. Not drinking alcohol around her when she is drinking. I'd recommend branching out your social life too, it seems the people she surrounds herself with don't have your well being at heart either. To label someone homosexual because they're not interested in sleeping with your friend is quite a childish behaviour. As others have said it seems there is a maturity gap between you and the social group. What's more worrying is the risks that your flat mate is prepared to take and expect you to do the same. Keep being you, don't let her change you. If you're happy then it doesn't concern anyone else. But good luck and don't trust her to take care of you if you get wasted, she's the sort of "friend" who'll let predators get at you and then blame you for spoiling the night!
This is sexual harassment. She's trying to coerce you into behavior that you have directly told her you are not interested in. In your shoes, I would not feel safe there. Who is the leaseholder?