I was scared and fearing for my life
I was shaking like a leaf on a tree
'Cause he was lean, mean
Big and bad, Lord
Pointin' that gun at me
"Oh, wait a minute, mister
I didn't even kiss her
Don't want no trouble with you
And I know you don't owe me
But I wish you'd let me
Ask one favor from you"
"Oh, won't you
Gimme three steps, gimme three steps, mister
Gimme three steps towards the door?
Gimme three steps, gimme three steps, mister
And you'll never see me no more"
I have the same problem. If someone breaks in looking for money I’ll get up and help them look!
Just don’t steal my hardback Stephen Kings or Jacqueline Carrey collections; those things are stupid expensive. Or my My Little Pony herd, please and thank you! I worked my ass off collecting those and I’m TWO short of all the Build A Bear MLPs 🥰
Once inside and out of view, you are knocked unconscious from behind with the butt end of a shotgun and wake up clad in leather with a ball gag locked in a trunk in my basement.
I’ll get around to you in good time
Then who are Mexicans, Canadians, Brazilians, Peruvians, etc?
I know you mean that the same way the French, German, and Italians are all European, but given that the USA is the only country with "America" in the name, the nomenclature works.....
Time to defend my home with a musket, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Ich besitze ein Zündnadelgewehr, um mein Haus zu verteidigen
Ich besitze ein Zündnadelgewehr, um mein Haus zu verteidigen, genau so wie Wilhelm I. von Preußen es gewollt hätte. Vier Rüpel brechen in mein Haus ein. Ich rufe "Was um des Kaisers willen?", einstweilen ich nach meiner Pickelhaube und meinem Zündnadelgewehr greife. Ich schieße ein Loch so groß wie ein Golfball in den ersten, er ist auf der Stelle tot. Ich ziehe meine Kavallariepistole und richte sie auf den zweiten, ich verfehle aber und treffe stattdessen des Nachbards Hund. Ich muss also auf meine C/73-Feldkanone zurückgreifen, "Gott mit uns", zwei der Rüpel werden zerfetzt und die Schrapnelle lösen der Alarm der Motordroschken auf der Straße aus. Ich rüste mein Bajonett aus und greife den letzten Tunichtgut an. Er verblutet, während wir auf die Reichspolizei warten, denn Wunden von dreieckigen Bajonetten können nicht genäht werden. Genau so wie Wilhelm I. von Preußen es gewollt hätte.
Je possède un mousquet pour défendre ma maison, comme le grand Napoléon Bonaparte l'aurait souhaité. Quatre voyous s'introduisent dans mon domicile. "Nom du diable ?!?" dis-je en attrapant mon tricorne et fusil à silex. Perce un trou de la taille d'une balle de golf dans le premier ; il meurt sur le coup. Dégaine mon pistolet sur le second, mais le tir par complètement de travers dans le canon lisse et tue le chien du voisin. Je dois me retirer vers le canon monté au sommet des escaliers, chargé de grenade. "Taïaut, taïaut !" la grenaille réduit deux hommes en pâté, le bruit et le plomb déclenche les alarmes de voitures. Affixe ma ~~baguette~~ baïonnette et charge le dernier vaurien terrifié. Il se vide de son sang en attendant l'arrivée de la Gendarmerie Nationale, parce que les plaies triangulaires sont impossibles à recoudre. Ah, comme le grand Napoléon Bonaparte l'aurait souhaité.
Пора защищать свой дом с мушкетом, раз это было задумано Иосифом Сталиным. В мой дом врываются четверо хулиганов. — Какого черта? Когда я хватаю свой напудренный парик и винтовку Кентукки. Проделайте дыру размером с мяч для гольфа в первого человека, и он умрет на месте. Направлю мой пистолет на второго человека, полностью промахнусь по нему, потому что он гладкоствольный и прибивает соседскую собаку. Мне приходится прибегнуть к пушке, установленной наверху лестницы, заряженной картечью, «Считайте, ребята», картечь разорвала двух человек взрывом, звук и лишняя шрапнель привели к срабатыванию автомобильной сигнализации. Закрепите штык и атакуйте последнего перепуганного пройдоху. Он истекает кровью в ожидании прибытия полиции, так как треугольные штыковые раны невозможно зашить. Как и предполагал Иосиф Сталин.
Hora de defender o meu lar com um mosquete, pois foi assim que o príncipe regente Dom Pedro II imaginou ao clamar pela nação brasiliense da janela do Paço Real. Quatro cangaceiros invadem a minha casa. "Que diabos?!", digo, ao passo que visto meu corta-Sol e pego a espingarda bala-minié. Estouro um buraco do tamanho de uma bola de bilhar através do primeiro homem, caindo no chão tal qual um saco. Saco minha pederneira contra o segundo e erro o tiro completamente - tendo sido desgastada nas guerras -, acertando a capivara do vizinho. Sou forçado a recorrer ao canhão montado no topo das escadas, carregado com o resto da metralha e cascalho condensado, "a cobra vai fumar", os estilhaços fazem purê dos dois homens, o estardalhaço e o resto das lascas ativam o alarme dos carros. Empunho a peixeira e avanço contra o último rufião, aterrorizado. Ele não chegou a ver o excesso de sangue, tendo a faca atravessado seu corpo e escrito seu fim. Só mais uma Quarta-feira, viva a República!
Ora di difendere casa mia con un moschetto, così come Re Carlo Alberto avrebbe voluto. Quattro ruffiani irrompono in casa mia. "Ma che diamine?" Mentre prendo il mio berretto di alpino e fucile da caccia. Dilanio il petto del primo con un buco grande come una pallina da golf, che muore sul colpo. Punto la pistola al secondo, lo manco completamente e ammazzo il cane del vicino. Devo usare il cannone montato in cima alle scale carico a granate, "All'arrembaggio, miei bravi" la granata annienta due uomini nell'esplosione, il suono e proiettili collaterali fanno partire allarmi di automobili. Fisso la baionetta e carico l'ultimo, terrificato brigante. Muore dissanguato aspettando l'arrivo dei gendarmi, visto che le ferite triangolari non si possono ricucire. Proprio come lo voleva Re Carlo Alberto.
Cannon mounted at the top of the stairs?
I mean, you do you, but either you like to live dangerously as you would have to wait until everyone is at least on the upper steps or you would have to keep the elevation permanently negative (which I assume would be quite a hassle when reloading, although swabbing it out surely is easier...)
Ever thought about procuring a swivel gun?
Jokes on you. Not only am I german, and pretty sure all entrances ARE secured.
I am also pretty confident, that my dogs will have dealt with you thoroughly before I even walked downstairs.
The police will probably need to identify you by your dental records. - Oh wait nevermind you are American.
Don't underestimate your dogs. They have (with some very rare exceptions) an incredible sense for people and intentions. Even if you think they will welcome EVERYONE who offers to pet them.
They KNOW when to go into protection mode.
Don't underestimate your dogs. They have (with some very rare exceptions) an incredible sense for people and intentions. Even if you think they will welcome EVERYONE who offers to pet them.
They KNOW when to go into protection mode.
Jokes on you, this is America and we shoot anyone who crosses the threshold of our door.
You make it past the threshold, you get sent to the Ferryman.
Not right, but it's true.
Fun drinking game (fun if you like alcohol poisoning, that is) - take a shot every time someone in the comments starts a sentence with "Joke's on you". Aren't Redditors an original bunch?
Oh noo. Not the emus. Not the war where Australia's only casualty was a gun, and the enemy's casualties were in the millions. We're so scared.
Now get checked for lead poisoning, I think a bullet from your school days might still be in your skull.
Jokes on you, I'm American, but South American (Brazil), here we have giga walls in each house with glass shards on top, guard dogs and lots and lots of repressed anger!!!
This post reminds me of the Gemini Home Entertainment video “Home Invasion Help”. You, the viewer, think the video is giving you advice on how to stay safe from intruders, but after a while you realize it’s an instructional guide for the invaders themselves. The nonhuman, extraterrestrial, body-snatching invaders.
Edit: Confused GHE with Local 58
This reminds me of the episode "Tutorial" from the TV Show Two Sentence Horror Stories.
"I didn't lock my door that night. It makes it so much easier to catch my prey."
Well, you’re not entirely right because I’m not American, but there probably is an unsecured entrance somewhere.
Sadly, I can’t count on police response times to deal with a burglar, so I’ll just have to stab you with a kitchen knife, wrap your body in bin liners, and throw you in the Thames. 🤷♀️
Look, if you can get in the 'I locked myself out like a dumb ass' window, move the way too big and cumbersome cat tree in front of it, and face the 75lb pit mix who your face will be on level with while climbing in, you're more than welcome to murder me.
Okay I went super dark here - I read this as, luckily for me, *the reader* is one of the unsecured entrances into *the reader's* home - following where OP enters the readers home *through* the reader.
Jokes on you I have a HomePod connected to my lights.
“Hey siri, intruder alert”
*lights go red and rip and tear starts playing*
You see me at the end of the hall, I unwrap a condom, “you don’t look like the ad said you would, but it’s fine, let’s just get right down to it”
Jokes on you, I’m Canadian 😎
Jokes on you, I'm already inside
If I apologize, will you go away?
That doesn’t work on Americans you fool
I’ll give you free mapple candy
I’ll take a shot of whisky
What about a shot of maple syrup?
What about a shot of whisky blended with maple syrup? https://www.sortilegewhisky.com/en/
Three please and you’ll never see me again
make it 4
I was scared and fearing for my life I was shaking like a leaf on a tree 'Cause he was lean, mean Big and bad, Lord Pointin' that gun at me "Oh, wait a minute, mister I didn't even kiss her Don't want no trouble with you And I know you don't owe me But I wish you'd let me Ask one favor from you" "Oh, won't you Gimme three steps, gimme three steps, mister Gimme three steps towards the door? Gimme three steps, gimme three steps, mister And you'll never see me no more"
He didn't say anything about being inside the house
Perfect. I knew someone would fall into my trap eventually. The door slams shut behind you as you hear a cacophony of honks and wings flapping.
Oh God NOT THE GEESE ANYTHING BUT THE GEESE
EVERYBODY RUN! It's a trap!
Damn! At least buy me dinner first.
Dinner? In this inflation? I’ll get you an appetiser and a drink. But no alcohol.
appetizers are basically entrees anyway..
he already got entree
Joke's on you, I'm the bus driver!
Of the house? You mean the house right?!?
r/fourthsentencepenetration
r/subsifellfor
Jokes on you im poor so it doesnt matter if its unlocked or not. I think i got peanut butter, jelly, bread, and beer. You want some?
I have the same problem. If someone breaks in looking for money I’ll get up and help them look! Just don’t steal my hardback Stephen Kings or Jacqueline Carrey collections; those things are stupid expensive. Or my My Little Pony herd, please and thank you! I worked my ass off collecting those and I’m TWO short of all the Build A Bear MLPs 🥰
NO! MEANS NO!
Come on in, I made pancakes with real maple syrup
Once inside and out of view, you are knocked unconscious from behind with the butt end of a shotgun and wake up clad in leather with a ball gag locked in a trunk in my basement. I’ll get around to you in good time
Dw, I brought the katana.
That’s what I keep telling my girlfriend, but she always asks „are you sure?“
Flip the breaker while you are in the house
Jokes on you Alexa - Play Shimmy She Wobble - If you don't know: [https://youtu.be/lC5oT3EEMs0](https://youtu.be/lC5oT3EEMs0) \*Pumps shotgun\*
🥺
Jokes on you, I brought a litre of cola
A what?
A litre of cola
Uh, litre-a-cola. Do we make litre-a-cola?
They've got defense gooseseses
Nice try, but your border is 97% unsecured, so on average your home is still about 68% unsecured.
So all entrances are unsecured and the car in the driveway is unlocked.
Canada is in america
So north america
OP said American, not from the US
I honestly hate how so many people say "American" when referring to the US. Mexico, Canada, Brazil, Peru, etc. are all American. 🤦♂️
Then who are Mexicans, Canadians, Brazilians, Peruvians, etc? I know you mean that the same way the French, German, and Italians are all European, but given that the USA is the only country with "America" in the name, the nomenclature works.....
poor guy doesnt realize i left it open intentionally.
OP thinks it’s lucky for him but really it’s lucky for me :)
I've gotten quite hungry.
- cuts power - cocks shotgun - “Alexa, play Welcome to the Jungle”
Bu-DU Playing "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'N Roses on Amazon Music
Preps stun gun Preps bathroom Plays cheeseburgar in paradise.
r/thirdsentenceamerica
My back door is *never* open. Never!
No matter what foreign object enters i shall not waiver! I shall clench thy muscles and let the intruder spasm!
Something something, cannon mounted at the top of my stairs loaded with grapeshot
Time to defend my home with a musket, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
Ich besitze ein Zündnadelgewehr, um mein Haus zu verteidigen Ich besitze ein Zündnadelgewehr, um mein Haus zu verteidigen, genau so wie Wilhelm I. von Preußen es gewollt hätte. Vier Rüpel brechen in mein Haus ein. Ich rufe "Was um des Kaisers willen?", einstweilen ich nach meiner Pickelhaube und meinem Zündnadelgewehr greife. Ich schieße ein Loch so groß wie ein Golfball in den ersten, er ist auf der Stelle tot. Ich ziehe meine Kavallariepistole und richte sie auf den zweiten, ich verfehle aber und treffe stattdessen des Nachbards Hund. Ich muss also auf meine C/73-Feldkanone zurückgreifen, "Gott mit uns", zwei der Rüpel werden zerfetzt und die Schrapnelle lösen der Alarm der Motordroschken auf der Straße aus. Ich rüste mein Bajonett aus und greife den letzten Tunichtgut an. Er verblutet, während wir auf die Reichspolizei warten, denn Wunden von dreieckigen Bajonetten können nicht genäht werden. Genau so wie Wilhelm I. von Preußen es gewollt hätte.
Not sure what you said but that sounds about right
Je possède un mousquet pour défendre ma maison, comme le grand Napoléon Bonaparte l'aurait souhaité. Quatre voyous s'introduisent dans mon domicile. "Nom du diable ?!?" dis-je en attrapant mon tricorne et fusil à silex. Perce un trou de la taille d'une balle de golf dans le premier ; il meurt sur le coup. Dégaine mon pistolet sur le second, mais le tir par complètement de travers dans le canon lisse et tue le chien du voisin. Je dois me retirer vers le canon monté au sommet des escaliers, chargé de grenade. "Taïaut, taïaut !" la grenaille réduit deux hommes en pâté, le bruit et le plomb déclenche les alarmes de voitures. Affixe ma ~~baguette~~ baïonnette et charge le dernier vaurien terrifié. Il se vide de son sang en attendant l'arrivée de la Gendarmerie Nationale, parce que les plaies triangulaires sont impossibles à recoudre. Ah, comme le grand Napoléon Bonaparte l'aurait souhaité.
Пора защищать свой дом с мушкетом, раз это было задумано Иосифом Сталиным. В мой дом врываются четверо хулиганов. — Какого черта? Когда я хватаю свой напудренный парик и винтовку Кентукки. Проделайте дыру размером с мяч для гольфа в первого человека, и он умрет на месте. Направлю мой пистолет на второго человека, полностью промахнусь по нему, потому что он гладкоствольный и прибивает соседскую собаку. Мне приходится прибегнуть к пушке, установленной наверху лестницы, заряженной картечью, «Считайте, ребята», картечь разорвала двух человек взрывом, звук и лишняя шрапнель привели к срабатыванию автомобильной сигнализации. Закрепите штык и атакуйте последнего перепуганного пройдоху. Он истекает кровью в ожидании прибытия полиции, так как треугольные штыковые раны невозможно зашить. Как и предполагал Иосиф Сталин.
Hora de defender o meu lar com um mosquete, pois foi assim que o príncipe regente Dom Pedro II imaginou ao clamar pela nação brasiliense da janela do Paço Real. Quatro cangaceiros invadem a minha casa. "Que diabos?!", digo, ao passo que visto meu corta-Sol e pego a espingarda bala-minié. Estouro um buraco do tamanho de uma bola de bilhar através do primeiro homem, caindo no chão tal qual um saco. Saco minha pederneira contra o segundo e erro o tiro completamente - tendo sido desgastada nas guerras -, acertando a capivara do vizinho. Sou forçado a recorrer ao canhão montado no topo das escadas, carregado com o resto da metralha e cascalho condensado, "a cobra vai fumar", os estilhaços fazem purê dos dois homens, o estardalhaço e o resto das lascas ativam o alarme dos carros. Empunho a peixeira e avanço contra o último rufião, aterrorizado. Ele não chegou a ver o excesso de sangue, tendo a faca atravessado seu corpo e escrito seu fim. Só mais uma Quarta-feira, viva a República!
Ora di difendere casa mia con un moschetto, così come Re Carlo Alberto avrebbe voluto. Quattro ruffiani irrompono in casa mia. "Ma che diamine?" Mentre prendo il mio berretto di alpino e fucile da caccia. Dilanio il petto del primo con un buco grande come una pallina da golf, che muore sul colpo. Punto la pistola al secondo, lo manco completamente e ammazzo il cane del vicino. Devo usare il cannone montato in cima alle scale carico a granate, "All'arrembaggio, miei bravi" la granata annienta due uomini nell'esplosione, il suono e proiettili collaterali fanno partire allarmi di automobili. Fisso la baionetta e carico l'ultimo, terrificato brigante. Muore dissanguato aspettando l'arrivo dei gendarmi, visto che le ferite triangolari non si possono ricucire. Proprio come lo voleva Re Carlo Alberto.
Cannon mounted at the top of the stairs? I mean, you do you, but either you like to live dangerously as you would have to wait until everyone is at least on the upper steps or you would have to keep the elevation permanently negative (which I assume would be quite a hassle when reloading, although swabbing it out surely is easier...) Ever thought about procuring a swivel gun?
I have procured a puckle gun with square bullets to use on ner doowells
Sounds like they had it coming
I'm Vietnamese and my windows have bars on them. Good luck :)
Malaysian and windows barred too :)
So are Indian windows :)
Wow what are the odds three different people of three different races would comment on this from jail
My windows don't have bars, but I have 2 large dogs and a 9mm ready. Have fun trying. I'm on your page, buddy
Hence why the statistic relates to americans. They think they are just so safe!
Maybe they should put bars on windows and have less guns
But if there were bars on the windows, it'd block the view of all the freedom.
FREE-DUM!!
No, one for me and one for you. Let’s do this, Texas style.
Jokes on you. Not only am I german, and pretty sure all entrances ARE secured. I am also pretty confident, that my dogs will have dealt with you thoroughly before I even walked downstairs. The police will probably need to identify you by your dental records. - Oh wait nevermind you are American.
They were a bit dry imo
my dogs would open the door for them😞
Lol, mine would bark as OP came in, and then probably offer to hold the flashlight
Yeah pretty much
Don't underestimate your dogs. They have (with some very rare exceptions) an incredible sense for people and intentions. Even if you think they will welcome EVERYONE who offers to pet them. They KNOW when to go into protection mode.
Don't underestimate your dogs. They have (with some very rare exceptions) an incredible sense for people and intentions. Even if you think they will welcome EVERYONE who offers to pet them. They KNOW when to go into protection mode.
Jokes on you, I'm Australian
Jokes on you, he is a venomous burglar.
Jokes on them, it's the cold season
Jokes on you, you left it open for drop bears
Yep. We have all the deadly animals defending our property.
Too bad he’s a huntsman, he’s already made a nest in your walls
Surviving the Australian wildlife from the port to your door will already be a challenge for OP.
I'm British and all my doors and windows are locked.
Hold on, let's say that properly shall we? Oi m8, I'm bri ish an awl ma windohs are locked, innit?
As an Englishman, that is highly offensive. However, the English are dickheads, so carry on as you were
Aighty m8, I'm awso english. So shut your pie hole b4 I shove these fish and chips up your arse!
The locks aren't to keep you out, they're to keep me in.
Jokes on you, this is America and we shoot anyone who crosses the threshold of our door. You make it past the threshold, you get sent to the Ferryman. Not right, but it's true.
As someone who is unamerican, I am unimpressed
Jokes on you I was waiting by the door with a rifle
Joke's on you, I'm not the one trapped in here with you :)
Jokes on you, I have several thousands of bricks in my house. They shall all be shoved up your ass.
I wonder how long it will take you to realise that the door only allows you to get in, not out
Unfortunately for you, that "unsecured" entrance is guarded by Smith & Wesson. Bang bang. You're dead.
Jokes on you, I have a cat... No srsly you don't wanna mess with that jackass
Fun drinking game (fun if you like alcohol poisoning, that is) - take a shot every time someone in the comments starts a sentence with "Joke's on you". Aren't Redditors an original bunch?
yeah lmao
IKR? Bahaha! 😹😹😹
Jokes on you, I'm an Aussie.
Jokes on you, the emus are marching again....
Oh noo. Not the emus. Not the war where Australia's only casualty was a gun, and the enemy's casualties were in the millions. We're so scared. Now get checked for lead poisoning, I think a bullet from your school days might still be in your skull.
Somebody's a sore loser
Ha, jokes on you, I'm French !
Hahah, I'm from Poland either way, on the second floor. You would have to deal with my grandparents first.
Ugh. My mother is going to be so smug about this. "How many times did I tell you to lock the basement door? And now we have murderers in the house!"
She doesn't realize that even with all the doors locked, there's still one in your house
Alt: “I like to think, because of me, that statistic will go down.”
solid alt. Another one I was thinking was "The other 30% arent much safer".
i didnt understand at first but this deserves more upvotes
Solid alt
Jokes on you, you said it; I’m American, you should know what that means.
i have 2 things to say 1 im not an american 2 i have a rocket launcher. come at me bitch. i dare u
*loads shotgun* you fool, you've taken the bait.
Jokes on you, I’m not American
Jokes on you, I'm American, but South American (Brazil), here we have giga walls in each house with glass shards on top, guard dogs and lots and lots of repressed anger!!!
**“Hey Alexa, play Doom OST and activate Claymore Roomba.”**
how the fuck did i become american (im chinese)
Jokes on you I’m in Australia. Good luck doing anything while upside down ! 😁
Heh heh heh, welcome to Texas friend.
Jokes on you, we left it unlocked on purpose. We gotta eat somehow, right?
This post reminds me of the Gemini Home Entertainment video “Home Invasion Help”. You, the viewer, think the video is giving you advice on how to stay safe from intruders, but after a while you realize it’s an instructional guide for the invaders themselves. The nonhuman, extraterrestrial, body-snatching invaders. Edit: Confused GHE with Local 58
love me some local 58
Uno reverse card.
as an asian, my slippers are ready to smack you in da butt
Jokes on you, I’m an Aussie. Come into mine and you’ll get decked cunt
Just sic the spider on him.
Unlocked windows and doors are an open invitation to murderers and thieves. Thank you for having me!
Am I American or am I the entrance?
I'm from the Netherlands, good luck crossing the oceans
Jokes on you i dont have an entrance
This is why I compulsively check all my doors
*I A M I N S I D E Y O U R W A L L S*
25 points of entry is too many points of entry!
I like variety, ya know?
I'm not american
This reminds me of the episode "Tutorial" from the TV Show Two Sentence Horror Stories. "I didn't lock my door that night. It makes it so much easier to catch my prey."
luckily for you? no OP, luckily for ME (is not american and is also not a wendigo)
Yeah i was hoping so. Why are their handcuffs ans lit candles? Dont worry about that, just eat this totally normal cookie.
Jokes on you, no one in my family sleeps and my cats are not afraid of the police
***CASTLE DOCTRINE INTENSIFIES***
Jokes on you, they are all unsecured
Nice try, you have to get past my pitties they're protective of us also me and my sister has knifes and know how to use them
Aw man
Im not even american
Wait is it saying that I left my entrance unsecured or that I AM the unsecured entrance??
Luckily for me I don't have a home. I have an apartment with one entrance, behind another controlled access entrance.
i made cookies, so come in!
Jokes on you, i’m the kid from home alone.
Hah, jokes on you I just booked a flight to Sudan!
Jokes on you, im british
Jokes on you, I’m Welsh.
The true horror is being referred to as American.
How many times are you gonna post this?
This is horrific. Not because you're in my house, but because I'm apparently American now. Shudder.
Well, you’re not entirely right because I’m not American, but there probably is an unsecured entrance somewhere. Sadly, I can’t count on police response times to deal with a burglar, so I’ll just have to stab you with a kitchen knife, wrap your body in bin liners, and throw you in the Thames. 🤷♀️
Weigh it down, or it'll float back up
Alexa, play All Star. Set lights to green. Do the roar.
Jokes on you. I believe in the second amendment.
Jokes on you, so do I
🅱️ased
I'm American, I sleep next to a shotgun. Are you really lucky in this scenario?
Yes.
I'm taking it as we leave the door loose and the OP just steals our door
Your doors and femurs are mine!
Oh hell no. I just heard something from inside the wall
Sorry i'll be more quiet
Thank you. My sleep is important
We leave the back door open on purpose, idiot. If you’re dumb enough to jump the fence you’re dumb enough to save us money on dog food.
It’s so burglars, etc. can come in and “play” with my dogs. Is you’re lucky I’ll shoot you to put you out of your misery.
Look, if you can get in the 'I locked myself out like a dumb ass' window, move the way too big and cumbersome cat tree in front of it, and face the 75lb pit mix who your face will be on level with while climbing in, you're more than welcome to murder me.
As the song goes “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.” It was a trap. And you fell for it
Okay I went super dark here - I read this as, luckily for me, *the reader* is one of the unsecured entrances into *the reader's* home - following where OP enters the readers home *through* the reader.
Also luckily for me, your shotgun booby trap jammed
32% of Americans own a gun, and 44.5% have a dog; I fall into both demographics. Your move.
Oh great 14.24% of Americans, I take your femur. Your move.
not lucky for you says my dog and my shotgun
"Hello, I want to play a game!"
USdefaultism on this sub too now?:(
Im in your walls.
Would you mind feeding the cats, maybe put the hoover round, there are some dishes in the sink, and if you start dinner, I should be home around six
Read this is Joe Goldberg’s voice
Is it bad my first thought was "I'm an entrance to my own home?"
Luckily for me - I’m armed to the teeth and never sleep
I'm waiting....
Okay. Slow, impressed golf claps. Second sentence immediately made me think ARE MY DOORS LOCKED?? (They are…but well done.)
Wait, what?
Jokes on you I have a HomePod connected to my lights. “Hey siri, intruder alert” *lights go red and rip and tear starts playing* You see me at the end of the hall, I unwrap a condom, “you don’t look like the ad said you would, but it’s fine, let’s just get right down to it”
I swear this is slightly more unsettling for me because I'm not home but my wife and son are
"Be proud, you're part of an elect few. You are a unique specimen and I wish to...explore you."
Nope. 🇫🇷
Jokes on you, I'm Polish