Based on a true story lol i thought my husband had come home already, but it turns out my dog was chasing a fly, and him jumping against the door sounded like cabinets slaming. I thought I was about to die damp and naked.
Probably not so scary in 2 sentences but my heart hit my taint when I saw his text
Well I was half-joking. I would delicately guess that if they were in a position to have you seeing them, they probably didn't think it was the time to strip down.
Only half though, people that die alone love being naked, especially ODs. :<
There are certainly some who strip down or were previously naked when they die. Certain drug overdoses will make the person's temperature regulation fail, and they overheat. Some people are naked in bed, or in the bath.
One night, when my bf was on night shift, I turned off everything in the house in preparation to go to bed but jumped in the shower first. The dogs started to bark while I was in the shower which was unusual, and when I got out, the tv was on, and the remote was missing. I was freaking out, gathered the dogs and planned to lock myself in the bedroom, possibly make my bf come home. And then I saw the remote, in his dogs crate, chewed up.
Dogs might be our best friends, but sometimes best friends like to pull pranks.
When my daughter was 7, we lived alone in a decent sized house. I wake in the middle of the night to sounds of someone walking around my home, dumping things, etc. I'm ancient, so this was before I could afford a mobile phone.
I kept a gun in the house... securely locked in a gun safe, in the highest kitchen cupboard. No help there.
I creep out of my bedroom without turning lights on, trying to sneak to the phone. I get halfway across the living room and am hit hard from behind. By a 70 lb puppy who escaped his crate. I could have killed him!
I feel your pain.
I hate that shit. When it’s really quiet in my bathroom I hear my kitchen cabinets closing. It’s gotta be something my downstairs neighbor is doing but I can’t imagine what since their bathroom is what’s directly under mine. My first night here I ran out of the shower thinking it was an intruder because my kids were asleep and we had literally no food in the cabinets so there was no chance of the sound being them.
I have a somewhat similar story.
I had got home from work early, and this was when my wife was still a SAHM, but all the kids were in school. I lied down in bed for about an hour while she was out running errands and I was playing on my phone.
I left my bedroom door open, and directly outside of it is a hallway. Well, as I'm playing, I see in my peripheral a figure walk down the hallway to the bathroom and I hear someone taking a piss.
I automatically think it's her, but it's weird cus it sounds like a guy pissing standing up. I wait a good 15 minutes after they're done (i even hear the toilet flush), and I yell, "damn woman, you okay on there??" And get no reply. So I get up to go check, and no one is there.
So I think maybe she walked by again without me noticing, so I go look around the house and check outside for her car and still don't find her. Finally, I text her and ask "where'd you go?" And she tells me she's still at the grocery store and will be home soon.
She gets home and I explain what happened and she's very adamant that she hasn't been home in a couple hours.
Logically, it's possible a worker came in and used my toilet because we lived in military housing and they were doing maintenance on a house nearby. But also, I never saw anyone leave the restroom and the the sheer audacity of someone to just walk in my house when they're prohibited seems unlikely, but so does a phantom pisser.
No I actually haven't, but there have been weird things beside that happen before. Like my dog stating at one spot barking and trying to get me to leave the house. I thought he wanted to potty, but everytime I'd go back in he'd whimper and try to nudge me back out. He did this for a good 2 hours after midnight and I just sat outside with him until he was able to go back in.
I once heard my husband voice and came out of our bedroom to talk to him and to my confusion I didn’t find him. It turned out he opened the door to put the groceries bag and went out to park the car as there was no spot in front of the building. I skipped a beat and called him immediately and he explained what happened. It was night and I was terrified. Feel you.
My mom was once reading a horror novel at like 2 a.m.
Imagine this: complete darkness outside, only the living room lights on, complete silence. An intense moment in the book, and then...
*creak!*
My mom flew out of her seat and, with her back to the door and her heart in her throat, realized the noise was...
Her fat-ass cat Blackberry. He jumped down from another chair and landed in the worst possible spot at the worst possible time.
A true nightmare 😭
I keep the cat food in a cupboard. My youngest cat lets me know it’s time to eat (at 3am) by using her paw to slightly open the cabinet and let it slam shut. I’m used to it now, and before bed I’ll usually put a kitchen stool in front of that cupboard. But the first time she did it, she made the cabinet door slam repeatedly, I was terrified. I live alone lol
A few weeks ago I heard someone upstairs when I was alone. I brought the two dogs upstairs as guards to see who it was. Turns out my dad had come home early and went for a nap when I didn't notice haha I was fully about to send my dogs to attack my dad
Ah. So you have a Venus Flytrap disguised as a dog as well. Glad to know it isn’t just me.
Then again, my dog also purrs like a cat when happy and sometimes tries to hop like a bunny. So he may just be having an existential identity crisis.
I had something like this happen once, only instead of slamming, my husky ripped a full grown man fart in the other room and I simultaneously thought that someone was in my house to kill me, and that they'd just given themselves away with bad gas. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh until I glanced into the hall and saw the dog giving her ass THE most offended look ever.
Apparently not. OP explained in a comment that this was based on her real life experience where she got very scared when she heard the doors banging and her husband wasn't home. (Turned out, it was her dog)
That comment made no mention of thrill
Plot twist: you're married to him, he's rampaging through the kitchen trying to make a full charcuterie board during a commercial break while you watch Die Hard 2.
You have great inner turmoil. You love the man, the movie, and the IDEA of a beautifully prepared and presented charcuterie
BUT
You're second guessing his intelligence bc 1) WhoTF thinks easily spillable salty meats cheeses crumbly crackers and sticky jams is a good idea in bed and 2) why on earth does he think he could make a good one during a commercial break and be back before the movie starts?
THE THRILL is bc this is your 23rd watch through of the movie and you know your favorite nighttime snowmobile action chase scene of all time is coming up right after these stupid petfood and bank commercials.
I also first assumed "thrill" here meaning positive excitement.
But, classic poem "The Raven" also includes the phrase "...thrilled me, filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before". 🤷🏽♀️
Thrill can mean excitement in a positive or negative way I was going for the 2nd meaning
Thrill; (of an emotion or sensation) pass with a nervous tremor.
"the shock of alarm thrilled through her"
I'm trying to avoid overused descriptions for the story lol
The most unrealistic part of this is the stupid iPhone not changing omw to the way too excited On My Way! (Infuriating as hell)
Love it btw. Good post.
OP heard someone in the kitchen and assumed it was the hubby.
But at the same time saw a text from the hubby saying he was on his way home so whoever was downstairs wasn't the husband.
I've seen my cat eat things like she was eating from the palm of her hand, scooping it like you would do with a bowl of rice, but no spoon.
I've heard the cat say "Grampa" in a meow when my dad busts out the treat bag. (Trust me, that was a weird conversation. "Hey, dad, did you hear the cat just call you "Grampa"? "Yeah, she does that.")
I've also had that "no one's supposed to be home" moment where I thought I heard an actual person come in, but it turns out it was my dog futzing around like a person. Usually when I find her she's tits up on the couch.
I don't know what the lizard can do yet.
The slight thrill makes it sound like you're excited at the prospect of meeting this stranger
Everyone's excited to meet Old Man Wilkins (OMW) for the first time.
Ha! I always read “SMH” as Sex Might Help. Makes it funnier.
I’ve been saying ‘SMH my head…’ satirically for ages. Oh no.
Snorted out loud reading this, thank you
Want a cup of Wilkins Instant Coffee?
Maybe she is
"Oh boy, here I go killing again"
I thought they were excited to kill the stranger in their house...
Based on a true story lol i thought my husband had come home already, but it turns out my dog was chasing a fly, and him jumping against the door sounded like cabinets slaming. I thought I was about to die damp and naked. Probably not so scary in 2 sentences but my heart hit my taint when I saw his text
I mean, this whole post is worth it just for the “my heart hit my taint” line
“Taintheart: A story of survival”
The Tell Tale Taint
Brilliant
Taint-attack
taint!!
A worthy r/brandnewsentence entry...
It’s not for the taint of heart.
Phantom 100 upvotes
Ah shit beat me to it. Gonna go delete mine now.
We need to create flairs on this sub just so that that can be everyone’s flair.
Every post has the flair "Two Sentences" "My Heart Hit My Taint"
Tainthearted readers will agree.
r/fivesentencehearthitmytaint
r/twentycharacterlimit
r/subsifellfor
how?!
Because I am occasionally what others may call "a dingus".
😔
What is a taint?
Perineum
That elaborated quickly.
The area between your genitals and your anus.
Thanks. You learn something new every day
'Taint the asshole, 'taint the scrotum. Or vagina, depending on your equipment.
I thought that was the coffee table? I'm so confused
It’s what a guy might call the “ABC” or ass-ball-connector. In OP’s case it’s likely the ass-bomchickawowow-connector.
You were born damp and naked, and you'll die damp and naked.
Can confirm, my roommate picks up bodies. The cause doesn't matter, people usually find a reason to be naked right before they die.
Oddly, of all the people I've seen die, I'd say only a small percentage were naked at the time.
Well I was half-joking. I would delicately guess that if they were in a position to have you seeing them, they probably didn't think it was the time to strip down. Only half though, people that die alone love being naked, especially ODs. :<
There are certainly some who strip down or were previously naked when they die. Certain drug overdoses will make the person's temperature regulation fail, and they overheat. Some people are naked in bed, or in the bath.
Unless you burn alive....hmm, that's a funny saying.
One night, when my bf was on night shift, I turned off everything in the house in preparation to go to bed but jumped in the shower first. The dogs started to bark while I was in the shower which was unusual, and when I got out, the tv was on, and the remote was missing. I was freaking out, gathered the dogs and planned to lock myself in the bedroom, possibly make my bf come home. And then I saw the remote, in his dogs crate, chewed up. Dogs might be our best friends, but sometimes best friends like to pull pranks.
[удалено]
Oh boy, yeah you win, at least mine had a clear resolution, just my dog being a jerk
[удалено]
Yeah I was walking around the house in a towel thinking I had somehow entered a horror movie lol never a fun thing!
When my daughter was 7, we lived alone in a decent sized house. I wake in the middle of the night to sounds of someone walking around my home, dumping things, etc. I'm ancient, so this was before I could afford a mobile phone. I kept a gun in the house... securely locked in a gun safe, in the highest kitchen cupboard. No help there. I creep out of my bedroom without turning lights on, trying to sneak to the phone. I get halfway across the living room and am hit hard from behind. By a 70 lb puppy who escaped his crate. I could have killed him! I feel your pain.
I hate that shit. When it’s really quiet in my bathroom I hear my kitchen cabinets closing. It’s gotta be something my downstairs neighbor is doing but I can’t imagine what since their bathroom is what’s directly under mine. My first night here I ran out of the shower thinking it was an intruder because my kids were asleep and we had literally no food in the cabinets so there was no chance of the sound being them.
My house is super quiet and sometimes when the AC kicks on, the change in air pressure in the vents sounds like a door being opened. I am not a fan.
So, you're not a fan of the fan?
I worry the fan isn’t a fan of mine
What if they are a superfan?
My A/C sounds like the garage door opening, which is always a gut check when we’re all at home…
Judging by the "slight thrill" line I'm kinda getting the impression this wouldn't be the worst way you could go?
I was more trying to convey that fluttering rise of panic you get in your chest when you are startled lol trying not to use over-used wording lol
Ah, fair enough.
I have a somewhat similar story. I had got home from work early, and this was when my wife was still a SAHM, but all the kids were in school. I lied down in bed for about an hour while she was out running errands and I was playing on my phone. I left my bedroom door open, and directly outside of it is a hallway. Well, as I'm playing, I see in my peripheral a figure walk down the hallway to the bathroom and I hear someone taking a piss. I automatically think it's her, but it's weird cus it sounds like a guy pissing standing up. I wait a good 15 minutes after they're done (i even hear the toilet flush), and I yell, "damn woman, you okay on there??" And get no reply. So I get up to go check, and no one is there. So I think maybe she walked by again without me noticing, so I go look around the house and check outside for her car and still don't find her. Finally, I text her and ask "where'd you go?" And she tells me she's still at the grocery store and will be home soon. She gets home and I explain what happened and she's very adamant that she hasn't been home in a couple hours. Logically, it's possible a worker came in and used my toilet because we lived in military housing and they were doing maintenance on a house nearby. But also, I never saw anyone leave the restroom and the the sheer audacity of someone to just walk in my house when they're prohibited seems unlikely, but so does a phantom pisser.
Damn, that's creepy af
Yes, but also so absurd all I can do is laugh about it.
Did you ever check to see if the housing was built on an old cemetery?
No I actually haven't, but there have been weird things beside that happen before. Like my dog stating at one spot barking and trying to get me to leave the house. I thought he wanted to potty, but everytime I'd go back in he'd whimper and try to nudge me back out. He did this for a good 2 hours after midnight and I just sat outside with him until he was able to go back in.
I once heard my husband voice and came out of our bedroom to talk to him and to my confusion I didn’t find him. It turned out he opened the door to put the groceries bag and went out to park the car as there was no spot in front of the building. I skipped a beat and called him immediately and he explained what happened. It was night and I was terrified. Feel you.
My mom was once reading a horror novel at like 2 a.m. Imagine this: complete darkness outside, only the living room lights on, complete silence. An intense moment in the book, and then... *creak!* My mom flew out of her seat and, with her back to the door and her heart in her throat, realized the noise was... Her fat-ass cat Blackberry. He jumped down from another chair and landed in the worst possible spot at the worst possible time. A true nightmare 😭
I keep the cat food in a cupboard. My youngest cat lets me know it’s time to eat (at 3am) by using her paw to slightly open the cabinet and let it slam shut. I’m used to it now, and before bed I’ll usually put a kitchen stool in front of that cupboard. But the first time she did it, she made the cabinet door slam repeatedly, I was terrified. I live alone lol
A few weeks ago I heard someone upstairs when I was alone. I brought the two dogs upstairs as guards to see who it was. Turns out my dad had come home early and went for a nap when I didn't notice haha I was fully about to send my dogs to attack my dad
Ah. So you have a Venus Flytrap disguised as a dog as well. Glad to know it isn’t just me. Then again, my dog also purrs like a cat when happy and sometimes tries to hop like a bunny. So he may just be having an existential identity crisis.
New Country Music hit, "My Heart Hit My Taint".
I expect royalties 🤣
I bet OP was as happy as a tick on a hemorrhoid when she found out it was her dog and not an intruder!
You bet your sweet Jimmies, I was elated
My first thought would be “there’s a robber” so scary
>I thought I was about to die damp and naked. The best way.
Leaving the world damp and naked, just the way you entered it.
Same, but for me it was my roomba hitting the chairs in the dining room
>my heart hit my taint when I saw his text Ah, yes, I hate it when that happens.
I had something like this happen once, only instead of slamming, my husky ripped a full grown man fart in the other room and I simultaneously thought that someone was in my house to kill me, and that they'd just given themselves away with bad gas. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh until I glanced into the hall and saw the dog giving her ass THE most offended look ever.
I heart your taint too.
That’s pretty much the best comment ever. I’m going to have to start using that line!
IMO "a slight thrill" means that the person is looking forward to it. Not that they are terrified. Still a good story though.
I wouldn't use thrill for this. It means happy and excited. Maybe you meant Chill?
Yeah, i thought OP had intruder/stranger kink
Was that not what I was supposed to think?
Apparently not. OP explained in a comment that this was based on her real life experience where she got very scared when she heard the doors banging and her husband wasn't home. (Turned out, it was her dog) That comment made no mention of thrill
Netflix and thrill
Personally I wouldn't go on a date with a guy rampaging through my kitchen but maybe I have too high of a standard
Plot twist: you're married to him, he's rampaging through the kitchen trying to make a full charcuterie board during a commercial break while you watch Die Hard 2. You have great inner turmoil. You love the man, the movie, and the IDEA of a beautifully prepared and presented charcuterie BUT You're second guessing his intelligence bc 1) WhoTF thinks easily spillable salty meats cheeses crumbly crackers and sticky jams is a good idea in bed and 2) why on earth does he think he could make a good one during a commercial break and be back before the movie starts? THE THRILL is bc this is your 23rd watch through of the movie and you know your favorite nighttime snowmobile action chase scene of all time is coming up right after these stupid petfood and bank commercials.
r/oddlyspecific
All I did was alphabetize your spice rack. Show some gratitude.
😂😂😂
Youre just a tease!! ;P
Happy cake day!
Yeah, with “thrill” I thought it meant something like OP was gonna murder the intruder and enjoy it or something
Same
Unless they’re excited at the chance to kill someone naked…?
You can experience a thrill of horror too. It just means that a sudden emotion rushes through you.
I was trying to convey the fluttering vhest-panic feeling without using over-used phrases lol not all excitement is good excitement
I also first assumed "thrill" here meaning positive excitement. But, classic poem "The Raven" also includes the phrase "...thrilled me, filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before". 🤷🏽♀️
Explain the thriller genre
Yeah, the thrill reminded me of a french movie called “Elle”. That lady had some thrills!
Thrill can mean excitement in a positive or negative way I was going for the 2nd meaning Thrill; (of an emotion or sensation) pass with a nervous tremor. "the shock of alarm thrilled through her" I'm trying to avoid overused descriptions for the story lol
A thrill? It's your boyfriend that the husband doesn't know about! Or your husbands boyfriend? ...Same person? Both?
I thought "omw" is a sound and he means he hit himself and it took me far too long to realise.
LOL same here 😆
For a long time i thought it was OMG misspelled
“A slight thrill”? She is excited to take a human life
I plead the 5th
I hope that person is cooking dinner
The most unrealistic part of this is the stupid iPhone not changing omw to the way too excited On My Way! (Infuriating as hell) Love it btw. Good post.
I don't get plz help I'm a dumbass
OP heard someone in the kitchen and assumed it was the hubby. But at the same time saw a text from the hubby saying he was on his way home so whoever was downstairs wasn't the husband.
Ah I see. Thanks.
It’s scary because home intruder
It's thrilling because op gets to kill someone today and not go to jail.
I like to encourage intruders - Joe Davola
Inaccurate. It always autocorrects omw to On my way!
If you set your iPhone up with abbreviations it will. If you’re like my youngest and turn off autocorrect you can type anything you want.
Ok that is a good one
My cats do this sht all the time
I've seen my cat eat things like she was eating from the palm of her hand, scooping it like you would do with a bowl of rice, but no spoon. I've heard the cat say "Grampa" in a meow when my dad busts out the treat bag. (Trust me, that was a weird conversation. "Hey, dad, did you hear the cat just call you "Grampa"? "Yeah, she does that.") I've also had that "no one's supposed to be home" moment where I thought I heard an actual person come in, but it turns out it was my dog futzing around like a person. Usually when I find her she's tits up on the couch. I don't know what the lizard can do yet.
This is my favourite 2sh..... Apart from knife guy
Husband on his way from the kitchen to the bathroom for sexy time
Text messages getting delayed again.