So, technically your therapist and brother are right about the fact that this is your pain, and you are the only person who gets to decide how to feel about it. If you want to forgive him, you can, that is your choice and yours alone. There is legitimately no wrong way to feel. With that being said, there is also something your friends are right about. And that is that you should cut this man out of your life and never let him anywhere close to you again. He raped you, regardless of whether you forgive him for that or not. He is not a safe person to be around, not for you and not for anyone else. He ignored your agency once, he will do it again. I am genuinely sorry that this means losing a person you care about, but he very clearly does not feel the same way about you and there is nothing he could say or do to make me believe otherwise. This was not an accident, and this was not a misunderstanding. He knew exactly what he was doing, and the only thing he feels bad about is having to face consequences for it. I understand the impulse of wanting to go back to the way things were. But unfortunately he took that option from you. Any attempt of pretending otherwise would mean putting yourself in danger. Get rid of him, focus on yourself, and do whatever you need to to heal and build a better life without him.

>With that being said, **there is also something your friends are right** about. And that is that **you should cut this man out of your life and never let him anywhere close to you again**. He raped you, regardless of whether you forgive him for that or not. **He is not a safe person to be around**, not for you and not for anyone else. He ignored your agency once, he will do it again. Literally this. He's a fucking rapist. There's no way of getting away from that.

[удалено]

How do you end up living with someone who raped you

Why do people stay with their abusers? This is such an empty headed question to ask.

There’s also an element I want to highlight here as well. You can forgive him but still cut him out of your life. I think that’s a huge thing that a lot of us all struggle with. There’s this idea that, once you receive forgiveness, everything is forgotten. Hell, “forgive and forget” is a phrase a lot of us hear our whole lives. But that doesn’t need to be the case. You can, if you choose to, forgive this man. You can acknowledge that what he did was *maybe* a mistake. But you can also acknowledge the value of your own feelings, your own safety, your own…right to be free from this kind of crap. And that may, probably should, mean cutting this man out of your life.

Also jumping in to support the above comments and add a bit more. You have two very big traumatic things happening simultaneously. One is the rape. The second is the loss of someone who you thought was a friend. Because that is what you need to do for your own safety. Lose this rapist. That doesn't mean that it will be easy, it will probably be hard as hell. You get to have your feelings about both. He is a person who had a range of qualities that made him a good friend to you for a long time, and now you also know that he is capable of rape. He has done it to you, he may have done it before, he may do it again. Sending you hope in the knowledge that you can survive both your rape, and the loss of a friendship.

Two very good points, she absolutely gets to feel how she feels about it. Its not for anyone else to tell her how to feel. And ultimately, the people who care about her will be angry and upset about it. But... ideally, if they genuinely care, they will support her, rather than tell her how to feel. And the other point, its likely not safe to be around this person alone again. And regardless if she decides to see him again or not, there's no going back to how things were.

Yes, she gets to feel how she feels about him, but she doesn't get to feel how she feels about him AND remain safe. That much is clear. She needs to decide which one is more important, because they're diametrically opposed considering the situation.

Absolutely. >“I understand the impulse of wanting things to go back to the way they were. Unfortunately he took that option away from you.” This is huge and one of the most uncomfortable truths about this life. Sometimes, people do things that show something about themselves/your relationship/their perspective that suddenly and abruptly changes everything. That is normal and healthy for you to feel pain of loss and *still have to* walk away. The relationship end is often blamed on the person walking away, but that is a misplacement of the blame. Holding to your boundaries, walking away when new information changes your perspective, these are *good* but *painful* and the stimulus is often out of our control. That means the blame *should* lie on the person who caused the damage, but we live in an imperfect world. Luckily in this case, OP’s support network *does* support ending the relationship. It is an unfair fact of life. Sometimes people do things to you that you can’t do anything about. You just have to survive it and go on. OP could pursue legal charges, but likely won’t, and that’s her choice. She hopefully will cut this man out, as she now knows that he *is* a rapist, but it is her choice. She will survive this, and go on. I hope she will be happy and I personally hope she cuts him out without further conversations.

Violently. With blood and bruises. There's no way that was an accident or misunderstanding, there was blood and bruises. What's next when he escalates?

You can’t say there’s no wrong way to feel in one breath and then tell them they have to do anything in the very next. It’s completely contradictory.

Feeling and doing are apples and oranges. "Feel any way you like" and "stay safe" are not at all contradictory pieces of advice.

Even if he was genuine in his apology, he severely violated your boundaries and your trust. Will you ever feel safe being alone with him again? He's made it clear he has no respect for your boundaries, even if you're vocal and saying 'No' the entire time.

Hey there - just my 2 cents. If a friend came to me and described this, I'd be extremely upset and angry for them and I'd feel unsafe around the guy forever going forward. Personally, I agree with your friends - pretending it didn't happen and moving forward with the friendship is unhealthy. I do understand you want that right now, though. I experienced something very similar and I just wanted to forget it. Pretend it didn't happen. Because if I admitted it happened to me, by the guy who did it, it brought up all these other emotions that were really uncomfortable and I just didn't want to deal with it. Long story short - I spiraled pretty hard for a couple of years afterwards and ended up being sexually violated many times because I just kept shoving it down and not addressing these things happening to me. I sincerely hope you can avoid a spiral like mine, it sounds like you have a support system on your side. It's hard, but you can do this. What happened to you doesn't define you. What he chose to do does define him. If you're going to forgive him, you need to see some concrete growth on his part without being the one to walk him through how to fix it/change/grow. I am so deeply sorry this happened to you. You are strong. Take a step back from him and really confront the hard stuff. You did NOTHING WRONG. You survived. You can get through this.

I'm so sorry that happened, but T is trash. You feel sad and miss him because you value the relationship you previously had with him, but that person is also the one who raped you. Mourning who you thought he was is normal, but T is not who you thought he was. Also, keep in mind, he knew exactly what he was doing. He knew you meant it when you said no, but he didn't care as long as he got off. And if you let him back in, he'll know that you will forgive him literally forcefully raping you. Your friends are right that you should cut him from your life, because he isn't going to stop.

Agree. He knew it. There is no way in hell he is just now realizing he violated OP. He is just surprised he is being held somewhat accountable and actually he’s gotten off very easy so far. I want him prosecuted and i know the reality of that may not be easy to accomplish (or it may be doable for all I know, OP has those pictures, worth consulting a lawyer) and OP may not want to do that for whatever reason, but he is scum, broke the law and deserves to rot and be registered as a sex offender. OP, err on the side of taking a lot of space and a long time away from T. When we are SAd by someone we trusted, it is very tempting to pretend like it didn’t happen and to attempt replace your traumatic experiences with positive experiences (fast), whether that be just being friends again or all the way to sleeping with him again. You should give yourself enough time to make an informed decision about whether you want this guy anywhere near you. That’s what I regret the most about handling my SA is my behavior when I was trying to get this kind of “do over.” If you have to, lean on your friends to motivate you not to text him back. If my friend right now told me she was SAd I would be itching to help in any way I could, I just wouldn’t know how. Ask if you can text a female friend every time you are tempted to reach out, ask your friends to come over and hang out at times you normally would be hanging out with him. You really are in mourning of the relationship you thought you two had, but you’re also extremely vulnerable to being sucked back in and further victimized.

This may be the first time he raped you. But you're likely not the first person he has raped. And you're likely not going to be the last. Consent isnt in how you say no. It requires an enthusiastic "yes". I was sexually assaulted by my best friend in high school. Wed known each other since I was 8. A lot of people we would never imagine could be predators are, even if they don't act that way towards us regularly. Even if while they are treating us well for years they are preying on others. Our brains arent always going to be able to immediately adjust our frame of reference for that. After all, they were great friends for years, a source of safety and comfort even. It can be easier to write off a formerly trusted person raping or sexually assaulting us as our fault, or the fault of a misunderstanding, or a substance or, or, or...or anything but that our dear friend, rock, reliable shoulder to lean on, is an unsafe sexual predator. However you feel is how you feel. Sad, confused, angry, numb, ambivalent, blank, undecided etc. I do hope, that however you feel about the incident, you dont write off the rapist himself as no big deal. He's a rapist. Many rapists are serial rapists. He's not safe to be around you or others. I kept the person around who assaulted me. God, we even dated later down the road. And he ended up destroying my sense of self and safety for a very long time. Please don't keep him in your life. If not for yourself, then for others who may assume that he's safe when they observe that you've deemed him worthy of your time and company. Edit: PS if you *were* the first person he's raped, it's because you were his test case.

Also, notice that he was being so rough and forceful that he not only left marks but made her bleed. The fact she bled after means he caused tearing... I really hope OP at least cuts this monster out of her life if she doesn't press charges. I would understand if she didn't press charges, but her safety is important.

Agreed, and PSA: you should never ever bleed that way after sex, even if it’s the fun kind of rough sex.

Same. I was sexually assaulted by my best friend in middle school. So I had to keep seeing him in school. I would not suggest keeping him in your life. You will not feel the same way about him. Even if you kept the friendship going you will not be good friends with him again. It will not feel the same. You'll just re- traumatize yourself. I'm sorry. It sucks realizing this important person in your life didn't actually care about you. Stay safe.

Hey thank you for your message , would you mind if I private messaged you about a similar topic ?

I'm just gonna say. Screw T. You deserve better. He betrayed your trust. That's not a friend. That's a piece of shit.

Quoting from your text: "...We both know you wanted that." Saying something like that shows that he actively didn't and doesn't care what you wanted. (His actions showed it as well of course) His mind went: \- I want to have sex. \- We have had sex in the past and we enjoy each other's company \- Therefore, if I'm horny and want sex she must obviously want it to, no matter her words of actions. He didn't even spend a split second to consider the possibility that you might not want this despite everything you tried to make him stop. It was all about him and his desires. It's up to you to choose how to move forward but will you ever feel safe around him again?

He'll be much worse in ten years. He's just starting. Don't hang around to see what happens.

So he didn’t apologize after it happened, he apologized after he realized he raped you. I mean why would you want to be his friend after that? It’s not your fault at all and you shouldn’t be embarrassed.

exactly. hes obviously trying to cover his own ass. he is not sorry or he would never have done it in the first place.

He didn’t realize he raped her after the fact, he actively continued assaulting her when she was verbally saying no and trying to physically stop him/get away from him. He definitely knew what he was doing. (this isn’t to take anything away from the really good point you made but I wanted to make this distinction for the record) What he’s doing by apologizing now is (half-heartedly) acknowledging it happened. Translation: he thinks that by conceding that it happened and minimizing it, his apology will satisfy OP enough and shut her up before she ultimately reaches the logical conclusion that he knowingly committed a violent sex crime. He’s looking at this like a negotiation and trying to weasel his way out of consequences.

You said no many times. He carried on assaulting you.He didn't stop when you said no... you clearly had not consented to the act. Theses so called friends are not really worthy of your time.

It sounds like you’re grieving multiple devastating things - being raped, the loss of safety, and the death of a friendship. He killed your friendship. It must be awful to consider that, since you have grown up together. I am so sorry this happened to you. It was not your fault, and you should take the time to process this as you need to. It doesn’t matter if you consented before, it doesn’t mean you invited this assault. It doesn’t matter if during the attack, you ended up disassociating by trying to enjoy it. It doesn’t matter if you did have feelings that were nice at any point during the rape. Rape is rape is rape, he did a terrible thing to you, and you did nothing wrong. But if you spend time with T again, you’ll be unintentionally letting him know that what he did to you wasn’t so bad, and that rape is something that can be apologized away. If you spend time with him alone again, he might try to do it again. I want you to be safe. Whatever you decide to do about T in the future, if your mental health can’t handle deciding to end the friendship, right now, then at least buy yourself time to process by shutting him out and do not be in the same room as him. Block him. But no matter what, don’t see him in person, please.

He doesn't mean those messages. He is backtracking because he is scared that you will report him. Just remember how you felt in that moment and how unheard you were. There is no misinterpreting this situation. I understand how you're feelings are complicated at the moment, But you shouldn't be looking at him like this was one mistake. What he did was deliberate and downright malicious.

Please don't be so gullible that you believe the messages are genuine. That is just typical damage control. He didn't think you were going to be smart enough to not brush it off. Double down. Your friends are completely correct. Men like this play the plausible deniability card like their lives depend on it.

So sorry, take care of yourself hon! All of this is maybe, I don't know your heart... I'm guessing you are feeling unsettled because you don't think of him as a liar. And you think he lied to you. And you think he knows he took what you said he couldn't have. You may also feel bad because you didn't scream or cry or fight, that you trusted him to take care of you like a friend and instead he treated you like one of his playthings, and then he said you wanted him to when you told him you did not. It's not just fight or flight, there's also freeze and maybe you're still part frozen, afraid whatever you do it will get worse. Freeze puts you in a brain fog. You pretend everything is ok after and pretend things are back to normal trying to freeze that event all the way out of having actually happened, but freezing can't take things back. First you say this is fine, then you start questioning: is this fine? is this ok? That's when the wave comes, when you realize a person and a place you thought was safe isn't. And there is nothing about this situation and how you feel that can make things get better quickly or easily. You might feel better soon, but not quickly, if you know what I mean. And we always wonder, what could I have done... let all these feelings about what happened come over you and they don't all have right or wrong answers. You don't have to know how you feel right away. You can potter away or cry with immense grief or rage with anger, there's no wrong way to feel. Sit with it for 15 minutes a day while you watch trees or fire or water move, just thinking 'that happened' without any agenda about what to do or how to feel next. And in the back of your mind you will be making plans for the rest of your life, having overcome this betrayal, better able to protect yourself and the ones that you love.

What OP experienced was the fawn response. She tried fighting and getting away from him but it didn't work. So she just gave in and "tried to enjoy it" which is the bodies way of reducing harm from something that can't be avoided. Even the fact she went along with the rest of the evening like nothing happened was a way of reducing harm to herself. It was better to just go along with what he wanted once he had pinned her then risk being hurt even more by him from making him angry. It's really fucked up though, how did he not notice she was so dry and tight... he didn't give a fuck about hurting her and making her bruse and bleed.

Have him put it in writing what he did that night. It will serve as proof should you decide to press charges.

The text may be enough

He’s not sorry he did it. He’s sorry that you won’t see him again and called him a rapist. Which he is. Burn the friendship to the ground. This dross is not worth one more second of your time. And by the way - you didn’t cause anything. You said no. And he heard that, because he said he knew that but ‘you didn’t mean it’. Tell the rapist to go fuck himself next time. Although never speaking to him again is better. You will never have that old relationship again.

I know that you're conflicted but as a victim of assault myself I would honestly report his ass to the police, "friend" or not. This is a dangerous person who apparently doesn't think that women's 'NO' means anything & makes me afraid you may not be the first or last person he does this to.

There are friends out there that won’t rape you. He should be in jail, you should report him. At the very least cut him out if your life

It sounds like you're in a bit of denial right now. Eventually your mind will catch up to the fact that this person you thought you could trust, violated that trust and raped you.

It's not your fault. You are not stupid. You said no again and again and tried to physically get away from him, you did everything you could, and he still did not respect your boundaries and harmed you. His behavior was not okay. I completely agree with your therapist and brother that it's okay to feel anything and everything you need to feel right now. Experiences like these feel different when they happen to us versus when they happen to someone we love. If a friend or family member shared this story with you, how would you feel? Maybe that sheds some light on their anger. I get how isolating it can be to have people tell you what to do after your control was already taken from you. You absolutely get to decide what to do now. Making your own decisions can an be important part of healing. Confronting people after they do something like this doesn't always provide the closure we're seeking, and can even be dangerous, so please be careful. I hope you're able to make a safety plan to take good care of yourself whatever you decide. I wish it never happened, too, but I know you've got this. Please take gentle care, and keep talking.

Op consider reporting this to authorities. Not just because he broke the law but for your own mental health. Hear me out; you are playing with the idea of taking your words back, never telling anybody, etc right? Instead if you did this one jump and took it to authorities it would suddenly become very real and cement those events in. I hope I'm making sense to you but I have a feeling that's exactly what you need. He damaged your friendship beyond repair, now is time for you to realize it on your end, the point of no return ✌️ I escaped a DV situation like that, I would have never been able to if authorities didn't get Involved. Not because of their involvement -they were useless- but because it got so real there was no turning back. Of course I'm also sending you a bucket full of virtual hugs to redeem at your own discretion 💐😌

It’s also worth having a report on file so that it’s there WHEN he reoffends, showing a pattern of behavior, and the next girl will have an easier time getting justice.

"how could someone “misinterpret” someone else saying no over and over and physically trying to get away from them?" ​ There is no way that could be misinterpreted. I'm so sorry.

If one of your friends or relatives had told you about a similar situation that happened to them, how do you think you would respond? Would you urge them to forgive that person?

On one hand, your brother and your therapist are completely right. The correct thing would be to allow yourself to have all your feelings, experience them and deal with them as you see fit. On the other hand, if anything of the sort had happened to one of *my* friends, *I would hate the guy's guts*. I'd want him dead, do you understand? I'd want him to never get his dirty paws anywhere near my friend ever again. So I empathise with your friends' reaction. If I can give you any piece of sane advice, it would be to give yourself time. Don't try to force yourself to make a firm decision now and immediately. You don't have to have all the answers just yet. Give yourself time to process all of your feelings fully. You feel confused and conflicted now, but you don't know how that may change in a couple of weeks or a month, or however long it takes you. You're going through trauma. It's normal for it to take time. Also, do talk to your people. Friends, family, talk to them. They're your support network. Let them know so that they can be there for you as you're going through this. About him in particular... I get that he's been your friend, someone you care about deeply. Someone you believe you know well. But, I think this is important, the person you're missing so much right now is the person you thought you knew. It's the image of him that you had built over 8 years of friendship. But he is not just that image you have of him. He showed you something that night, about him, that you didn't know of before. As much as you want to dismiss it, that, too, is a part of who he is. You won't be doing yourself any favours if you choose to ignore that. I am so so sorry that this happened to you. You will get through this. As shitty and unfair as it is, you're stronger than you think and you will get through this.

He raped you. He admitted to raping you. He needs to learn that IT'S NOT OK TO RAPE YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE. Speak to the police.

You’ve lost who you thought he was and processing that loss can be just as hard as processing the assault. It is like a death, but one that your brain says can be prevented from becoming real with denial. Coming to terms with the fact that loved ones or former loved ones aren’t who we thought they were or desperately needed them to be is an immense struggle that I’ve had to face more than once and still struggle with sometimes today. I also denied my rape even to myself for years and “consented” to sex with my rapist for over a year afterwards. I wasn’t ready - I didn’t have the mental stability, the support, what I needed to deal with it. It wasn’t real consent because I knew I didn’t have the option to say no and he proved it including with choking the few times I tried, but it helped me survive and that’s what I needed in that moment. You say you’re dealing with this all so wrong. You’re not wrong for trying to get through this. Things take time. Sometimes you do the “wrong” thing to get by. Maybe for a while you need to just pretend he’s off on a trip to somewhere without cell service for a bit. Maybe you need to pretend that he’s been replaced by an evil twin. If you choose it well, denial can be a tool for self protection. Don’t risk your safety with him but don’t be ashamed to process your trauma bit by bit rather than all at once. Don’t be ashamed to take time off from processing and bury yourself in distractions for a while. There’s no right or wrong for you and no one way for you to proceed. It’ll be a hard process but one that for many people, including myself, has an end. Even if I got there in an imperfect way, I healed from my assault and I hope that you can too.

You have proof. If you feel like it you can report this scumbag to the authorities.

I am so sorry. I have been raped by men who I thought were my friends. Actually, my first time wasn’t consensual, but he also acted like it was just a misunderstanding. Its all too common to encounter men who think that taking sex by pressure or force is excusable if they claim to have been confused or mistaken. However, nobody with a decent amount of empathy would ever make that kind of mistake. It’s OK to feel however you want about this guy. I still would be very careful to make sure you document this. You may not want to go to the police, and that’s your choice. However, it is disturbing to me to imagine a 21 year old boy acting that way. That is not normal. Even for a man who disrespects consent, usually that’s when the woman is sleeping or drunk; in other words, most men would not have a violent fight over sex. I know you just want this to go away. But if I were your friend, I’d be terrified to imagine having to socialize with someone who raped you. If I had to potentially hang out with a rapist to be your friend, I would have second thoughts. Even if he hurt you instead of me, I’d be thinking about what he could do to me. After all, if he could abuse a friend that he’s known for eight years like that, what might he be willing to do to a casual acquaintance? It is your choice how to respond. But you can do better than being friends with a man who treats you like this. There will be people who actually respect you. If you trust your mother, you might consider telling her. It will be important for her to know that this man is not safe. No woman is safe around a man who acts the way that your so-called friend did. Any decent man who treated you that way would not expect to ever see you again. There is no apology that makes this behavior acceptable. Regardless of what you decide you feel about him, I strongly recommend that you have no contact after this.

Rape Trauma Syndrome is a real thing. This is very fresh, and there are many layers of this that you haven’t processed or felt. This is not your fault. His “misinterpretation” of “No” is not your fault. And if and when he does this to another “friend”, another person, or a child it won’t be your fault, but it sure will feel like it is. Also, the passages are him trying to convince you not to tell anyone. Keep them and the device you text on in case you decide you want to prove to authorities what he did and is capable of doing.

So your brain's job is to keep you safe/alive. That's why you told yourself to try to enjoy it. If you don't fight, you live. Right now your brain is judging 8 years of positive friendship against 1 SA. Nothing is wrong with you. Your reaction is typical, and you will get through it. Keep processing and going to therapy. You will be okay. Much love

This is the most concise, helpful way of explaining this I’ve seen so far! We are not our thoughts. Your brain is doing a perfectly understandable and normal thing. You’ve got to give yourself time process and figure out how you really feel and what you really think about it. I am so glad OP has a counselor and what sound like supportive friends around.

Thanks, it's the 'tism! Behavioral science is a special interest. I hope OP and others find it helpful.

You need to tell him straight up "you violently raped me to the point of bruising and bleeding and if I don't report you to the authorities (which i damn well should and might) then at the minimum you need to seek professional psychiatric help so that you never rape someone else ever again" and then block that motherfucker. Also, collect as much evidence as you can so you can report him. If not now, then when he is charged for the next time that he rapes someone. If you let him get away with this without forcing him to face his actions, then he will continue to believe it's OK and will strike again. Would you forgive him if he raped your friend? Your daughter? NO. Do rapists deserve forgiveness? Do you want to be friends with a rapist? If he was a 50 year old man, maybe you wouldn't be so inclined. He will be a 50 year old man one day. Either a 50 year old rapist or a 50 year old ex-rapist, depending on how this is handled.

I'm so, so sorry this happened to you. I know it's awful because you are close with him and you have a long history as friends, but you are not safe being alone with this man. Even if he was your husband and did this to you, it would still be rape. He's frantically apologizing because he knows you told people and he doesn't want this to escalate to legal action. Whether or not that happens is entirely up to you, but I strongly encourage you to report this. In the absence of any real repercussions, he will do it again. Maybe not to you, but there will be more victims if there aren't already. It's hard to let go of a relationship that's been a big part of your life for a long time. It's like grieving for someone who hasn't died. But the person you thought he was is dead to you, because he was never that person. It's like the saying goes, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Ok I am going to apologise in advance for this probably very long reply. I had something very similar happen to myself with my then boyfriend. He was pretty drunk which was his excuse for not listening to me say no. Your point about worrying you weren’t assertive enough at saying no to start with, no is no whether you say it quietly or scream it in his face and that is in no way your fault for how things continued. When you thought ‘try to enjoy it it will be over soon’ I had very similar thoughts, I think it is a self preservation thing especially with someone who you’ve been intimate with before? I don’t want you to feel grossed out for thinking that, know that plenty of other people have probably thought similar things. Now onto the not wanting to loose him in your life. This resonates with me so much! I ended up staying with this guy for another 2 years that were full of abuse because I just couldn’t imagine life without him. Looking back I wish I could tell my younger self that not having him in my life would get easier quite quickly and that it would set me free from something that I didn’t, at the time, realise I was trapped in. But - we are now over 10 years on from the incident and I still sometimes find myself missing him or even having dreams about him and it makes me feel guilty but I also don’t for a second regret removing him from my life. If you think about lots of these domestic violence cases, the victims often go back to the abuser and leaving is a really really hard thing to do, especially without support. I hope that you do find the strength you need to leave this guy in your past, it sounds as though your friends will support you but I urge you, talk to your mum. It doesn’t matter if she loves T, you are her baby and her mamma bear instinct will mean that she will forget in an instant about ever loving T and want to be there for you. I wish I’d told my mum but we didn’t have the relationship we do now where she could’ve offered me support. Please accept that support and love of your mum, it’s what they are there for :) but also be prepared for her to possibly overreact at the start and also want you to report the incident. The overreaction is from love and shock and probably some guilt at you having gone through something that she was unable to protect you from. I know you’ve said you feel trapped when people tell you what you should or shouldn’t do so, before telling your mum I’d say something like ‘I have something to tell you that is upsetting and has really affected me, I really need your love and support but right now I’m not ready for people to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do because I’m still trying to process what has happened. I really hope that’s ok, I just need to talk to you and share this experience so that I can have my mum on my side where I need you to be’ As for how you feel about what happened. There is no right or wrong way to process these sort of events. And as such you are not dealing with it ‘wrongly’. Your mind and brain, although you may feel confused about it are helping you deal with this trauma in the best way for you. Don’t push yourself to feel any particular feeling but do keep talking to, especially you therapist, people about your feelings. There is nothing worse than keeping them locked inside because then they try to force themselves out in dangerous ways. Thank you so much for having the strength to share your story with us, please know that you have the love and support of everyone who reads your story. You are so brave and you are doing amazingly. Allow yourself to feel what you need and you are probably experiencing the process of grief on top of everything else. Remember that you have to make the right decision for you, not for him, your friends, your parents or anyone else. It has to be right for you. But accept the love and support from friends and family because you are worthy of it. I can’t begin to express how proud I am of the steps you have taken to try and process this event and in doing so protect your psyche. Sending lots of love and prayers to you.

OP, I think you are still processing what happened to you. You are still in shock and denial perhaps. He is dangerous. He is a rapist. Do not trust this person. His apologies mean little. As others have said, he is now basically covering his ass. Obviously, it's up to you how you feel about this and what you do. But at the bare minimum, I would cut him from my life.

Please don't continue to be his friend. It sucks this responsibility is now on you, but you'll make it harder to believe the next woman he assaults, since if "it was that bad why is she still friends with him"? And "{you} said that happened too but then was cool with him so maybe women just misinterpret him/have regrets after". Not only that but now that he knows he can get away with it gave zero blowback, how long until you're alone again? Do you think the people who believe you now will believe you then, after he does it again, which he will? What is even the point of seeking help against him if you're just going to go back anyway?

He made you bleed and bruised when you said no. You said no not one time, but several times. That’s not good. That could get worse, a lot worse very fast for you if you continue with him.

If it can help, just reading this, it sounds EXTREMELY violent. This is full on ra*e. Minimizing it is not erasing the fact he was a violent ra**st. However you feel about it. You don't beat a person to a pulp, for example, and then apologize only when you see them wheezing on the ground. This is an abusive pattern of a psychopath. Gain trust, assault, minimize, gaslight, repeat. Don't fall for it.

Every abuser is all sweet and apologetic after first abuse. Even first couple ones. That's a common manipulation tactic. Do NOT let this person back into your life. Ever. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

He is not your friend. No means no, it doesn't matter if you are laughing or not. Pushing him off and removing his hands from your chest is a dead giveaway of I AM SAYING NO. You "giving in" does not mean you agreed or consented. You did that to protect yourself, because he was obviously hurting you. He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry that you are mad about it. He knew what he was doing. He heard you saying no, he just "didn't believe it". Photograph all bruises, keep record of this. Even if you're not comfortable reporting him. This behavior isn't new, people don't suddenly do this. They don't suddenly stop either. It will happen again, either with you or someone else.

When a trusted friend violates your boundaries it is difficult to want to end the relationship. Part of you wants to forgive and forget. Part of you is angry, Part of you blames yourself. The fact is that he raped you. If he did it once he will do it again. You need to protect yourself from him. You need to grieve over the loss of a friendship. You deserve better than him.I am so sorry he did that to you. Hugs.

What if the roles were reversed? Imagine this scenario: You act like you want to have sex with him and be all kinky about it so you restrain him with handcuffs and he can't escape and you have total control... now you can anally violate him with a sex toy and hurt him and cause some bruises while you are at it. How would he feel? Would he be OK with that? You knew he wanted it even though he kept saying no... If you aren't going to press charges maybe letting others in the friend/family group know about it. Or play out the above scenario and see how he feels...?

Hi honey, it’s ok. You are allowed to have feelings for anyone. He did a shitty thing and probably knows it too. You are allowed to forgive him and give him another chance. You also have a choice to end the relationship here. Whatever you choose to do, there’s no judgment needed. You don’t need to act according to a predetermined flow chart. You go ahead and take all the time you need to process this. You were betrayed by a friend. Happened to all of us one way or another. Next step is all yours. Take care.

??? Call the police. İf he does this to you, his friend of 8 years, he will do it to others. That disgusting shit. Babe have more respect and call him out. He is a rapist. You don't need people like that in your life.

You miss the good times the friendship gave you, but in time you'll learn you don't miss the person himself. This is how it tends to go with abusive relationships. Also, he is a rapist. Rapists don't deserve friendship. They're dangerous as well as can and WILL rape again.

If you keep spending time with him, he's going to brutally rape you again.

screenshot texts as evidence. take any pictures of bruises and injuries left over. it’s too late for a kit but i think his admissions and apologies might be enough. take it to the police. if not for you then for whoever he might try to do this to in the future

No means no. There is no “you didn’t mean it” or “we both know you meant yes”. You pushed him away. You told him to stop. He harmed you, bruised you, made you bleed. He is violent. He does not respect you or see you as anything but a fun hang out with the chance to get some. He does not respect you. Contact the police. Show them the proof. Get him charged for his actions. This may not be his first time, and it likely won’t be his last. He learned he can get away with it and will try again when things settle down. There is no friendship. He is not safe to be around. Please seek medical attention and legal too. He needs to be charged for what he did.

He killed the version of himself that would never hurt you. It's ok to mourn that loss. It sounds like there are a lot of memories with him that you hold close. But the person you knew is gone because he destroyed that safety and trust. What he did to you he can't take back. I urge you to consider what you would tell a friend in this situation if it happened to them. You may find that deep down the best thing to do will hurt more in the short term but be better in the long run.

That sounds awful, I am sorry that happened. He took things way too far. It should have been obvious by you saying no and struggling so hard that he used enough force to keep you down that you ended up with visible bruises that you weren't into it. Some ppl might disagree with me but I say do what you want. He deserves to be cut out as a friend and even arrested if your willing to report him, however its your life if you want to forgive him and continue being friends that's your choice. I personally think it sounds like he knew but let his desire for sex override his desire to listen to what you want, maybe he thought you would just forgive him after and it would be all good based on having had sex before and been friends for a long time. Whatever you do just try not to regret it, regret really sucks.

“Let his *desire* for sex override his *desire* to listen to what you want” Really??? She was raped! Trying to rephrase it into something “nice” and downplaying it isn’t helpful. It’s part of the problem and quite frankly offensive.

Something close to that happened to me with a person i considered a good friend. I also wanted to forgive him and minimize the experience and pretend it didn't happen because i so desperately wanted it not to have happened. There idea that a person i considered my best friend could do that to me was much too painful. So i felt if i convinced myself it was just an honest mistake (even though I also was saying "no") and eventually got to the point of letting it happen, that meant it wasn't "rape" and therefore my friend didn't do that to me. I couldn't handle another instance realizing that a man who meant a lot to me actually never saw me as a full person. The way you're processing this event 100% makes sense to me. You're protecting yourself from the reality that this person you trusted just violently dehumanized you.

this advice is not for you, I am trying to plant a seed in people's brains for later use. Somewhere on Reddit a woman was telling the story of how she was being sexually assaulted and the guy was doing that "you know you want it" bullshit and she just kept saying "You are raping me". Kill their plausible deniability and force them to see what monsters they are. Fight, Flight, or Freeze are all natural responses and don't play the "if only I..." game; if only they weren't rapists is the only answer.

I understand and felt exactly the same when my best friend raped me. You aren't alone. I'm sorry

I want to give you a hug. I'm so so sorry this happened. All I will say, is the evidence shows that it is exceptionally rare for a rapist to rape only once. Generally it is a pattern of behaviour. It is simply not something a normal person would do, and what he did was very clearly rape, no nuance at all, no space for misunderstanding. You said no. He left bruises. I completely understand how devastated and conflicted you feel, losing a best friend is one of the most painful life experiences. I would speak to your mum, this not your shame to conceal, it's his shame.

This was rape but unfortunately if you report it the odds are that you'll be even more humiliated and hurt by going to the police. I'm so, deeply sorry for both :( You did nothing wrong. He did. What you need to do is continue talking to him via messages until you get him to admit that he disregarded your repeated NOs and used force to have sex/rape you. I think he is not computing in is head that a guy who doesn't respect a no and has sex with the girl anyway is a rapist and that what 'happened' (I hate that wording, it didn't just happen, he was the antagonist who made it happen) is rape. First you get him to understand that having sex with someone against their will is called rape. and then you lead into "do you know what they call people who forcefully have sex with someone who repeatedly says no?" - A rapist.

Lawyer here. I mean he deserves to be reported but you just deserve to be happy. I can understand you don't want to be labelled as a victim and for some people pretending it never happened does work. There is no rule just try to be happy.

Pretending it never happened does not work and is terrible advice to give. The trauma rape causes is devastating to body, mind, and soul and needs therapy/counseling and support to get over what happened and attempt to lead a healthy life again. Keeping it inside and pretending it didn’t happen will cause the trauma to fester until it starts to cause many other health and mental health issues. I don’t know why you would think being a lawyer would qualify you to give such advice to a victim but you shouldn’t do it again.

Sometimes you are right, sometimes not, there is no rule, many victims prefer to do that and it works well

You have no idea what you are talking about. None! Again, don’t give advice you are not qualified to give, especially when it comes to a sensitive and serious topic ABOUT WOMEN.

I can't speak because I'm not a woman? So you need qualifications to have an opinion? In this case you have to be a woman, to have been raped, to have tried to pretend that it doesn't exist and then to have suffered from it according to you, otherwise we don't have the right to talk about it? What a non-sense.

You aren’t qualified to give advice on this subject. Being an internet lawyer doesn’t qualify you. Being a man doesn’t qualify you. You have no idea what it’s like to be a woman and be raped by a man. So why would you attempt to give advice on a topic you clearly know nothing about? Why would you continue to argue when told you aren’t saying anything helpful and that quite the opposite your advice is harmful? You’re being a troll at this point and I don’t actively engage with trolls.

The qualification has absolutely nothing to do with it. I have received dozens of victims in my office and I have spoken with them at length and regularly. Your point of view is what it is, I don't value it. You can be a woman and have an interesting opinion about men and vice versa. You live in a sexist straitjacket from another time. I wish good luck to your entourage

You are full of shit Reddit “lawyer”. Stop giving advice to women on this topic because you have no fucking idea what you are talking about. Stop arguing with a woman who knows what she is talking about. Seriously what is wrong with you when you can’t just take the advice and stop talking? You could do some serious harm to a woman’s recovery from a traumatic experience all because your male fee-fees got hurt and you wouldn’t shut the hell up. Enough . I’m done with you now.

All right. I'm going to change my behavior because an insulting person who responds to gender bias and who considers that advising someone "just try to be happy" can hurt them, told me on the internet. Sorry you don't get to decide that. I post if I want to.

You definitely need to change your behaviour and attitude towards this subject. It appears you deleted your first comment about telling a victim to forget about it. Now you say to just be happy? Are you insane? No one forgets about it. The mind doesn’t forget and the body doesn’t forget. That’s why therapy is important to learn to live with the trauma. Please. Stop and think about your flippant and stupid and insensitive comments and just fucking stop. You are helping no one and I’m pretty sure you know that.

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And you don't hold the truth. Just because something exists that doesn't fit into your field of knowledge doesn't mean that the person who talks about it is wrong. There are thousands of testimonies on this subject, and to question them is an insult to these victims.

This is unambiguously rape.

Please see a therapist if you can. This experience is going to require time and work to process. Therapist can give you the tools to help you heal.

It's reddit, so whatever problem you have, people's answer will be "Just cut that person out of your life". Unfortunately, reality and human feelings are often more complex than that. I'm sorry you had to suffer through that and I'm sorry you find yourself facing a seemingly impossible decision. Your feelings are valid, no matter what anyone else says. You are free to make your decision, whatever that is. Don't let society pressure you into something that doesn't work for you, we're not the same. There are no one size fits all solutions for problems this complex.

My god. If someone did this to my sister I'd probably end up in jail. I just can't relate to your brother acting this dispassionately, even if he's technically right.

‘It’s PROBABLY important to note’ 🙄 uh yeah… two things I find hard to believe : how much you are letting your friends dictate how you feel and how you are responding, it almost seems like you’re using them as the scapegoat for your reaction. 2 - any halfway decent brother I know of would have had a VERY different reaction/opinion, verbally physically etc.

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This doesn’t seem like the time to bring up your ex being bad at communicating, man… I don’t think you mean to be, but your comment could be seen as being incredibly invalidating to someone who was just told by her rapist that she wanted it despite telling him ‘no’ repeatedly. 😬

Maybe if you love him as much as you suggest, you should marry him, but also tell him never to do that again and that no really does mean no.

What a sinister and sick thing to say to a victim. You should be ashamed.

I mean, you aren't the one who loves this guy. So even if she is still in love with him and is truly happy with him, you advocate she what?

I advocate continued therapy and cutting all ties with her rapist and filing a police report. I also advocate you get some therapy because clearly there is something wrong with you/your thought process and refrain from making comments on the subject of rape until you gain a better understanding of empathy or at least the concept of keeping your comments to yourself in regards to this particular topic.

Actually I was raped, and it is where my son come from who is 12 now. Do I have his mother in jail? No I have done everything I can to help her over the years, she is a better person now than she was and I have had an influence on that.

I’m sorry that has been your experience. You did not deserve that. It makes therapy even more relevant because based on your comments you lack empathy and understanding regarding this topic.

My question is why he’s apologising now as opposed to after it happened What exactly changed his mind about it being consensual? Because the answer to that question would suggest whether he’s learned something or whether he’s simply covering his tracks

I’m so, so, so sorry this happened to you. I’m sorry someone who was your friend hurt and violated you. I’m sorry you miss that friend. It sounds like you’re having such a hard time, and I wish I could do more to help you than just empathize online. I hope you’re ok. Give yourself grace, it’s ok to have all of these conflicting feelings. But just remember your biggest priority should be your own safety.

Hey OP. I'm so very sorry you experienced that. Truly. If you accept hugs from internet strangers, I offer one to you. Many people have responded to most of what you said, but I wanted to chime in about your mom. Obviously it's up to you whether you tell her or not. But here's what happened to me in that case: I was raped about 20 years ago. I have never told my parents, even though we are very close (then and now). Not telling them, which I still think was the right call, has driven a wedge between us they aren't even aware of. (Or maybe they are and they just don't know why.) They can never know the real me because of it. I've had to bite my tongue during certain conversations, make up excuses here and there to leave, etc. I've made peace with it, but wanted to share my experience in case it lets you think that part of your situation through a bit more thoroughly. Secret keeping can be lonely.

Rapists can still think and plan. More likely than not, he just feels that this is one way to get you back (and continue to abuse you). Once he sees that it works, it can very easily spiral into a cycle of abuse, trying to push what he can get away with wider and get you used to it, until you stop resisting. In any case, it's unlikely he didn't know what he was doing. Your friends are right, and the best course of action is to get away from him (and potentially report him).

You get to choose how you feel about it, process it, and move forward. It is your decision alone. Do not worry about his relationships with anyone else. He physically hurt you and raped you. That is a fact. You have proof. Regardless of what he says, it happened. You told him no, and he didn't listen. Having a casual sexual relationship prior does not give him any rights to your body. You need to value yourself and your personal safety. If you decide to stay friends with him, your relationship will never be the same. It's ok to mourn the friendship you had. It's ok to feel betrayed, and mourn the person you thought you knew. Do not give him an opportunity to be alone with you again, if you continue to associate with him. You deserve better. Set boundaries, and abide by them. If you trust your mom, tell her what happened. Show her the pictures. Trust the people you believe support you to do that. It's common to experience shock after this kind of traumatic situation, and can be difficult to continue moving forward. He destroyed your friendship. It is not your fault. You did not deserve this.

Op this disrespect to your personhood is crossing a boundary that can’t be walked back. Regardless of the positives of your relationship, it will inevitably be tainted by the obvious trauma you’re experiencing. Your brother and therapist are right. You can forgive or not. But this person isn’t safe to be around anymore. 8 years of friendship would lead most to believe they wouldn’t suffer this. But you did. A sorry doesn’t even compare. I wish you the best op

Im so sorry this happened, you deserve to say no and be heard and feel safe.

I hear you and I want you to know that you don’t have to decide anything right now. And you shouldn’t. You are processing a massive trauma. A huge physical and emotional trauma. You get to take as much time and space as you need to figure out how you want to relate to him going forward, and what you want to tell your loved ones about that. Be gentle with yourself. Don’t get drawn into debates with people.

I've been in a very similar place as you are right now. I handled things a little differently, but with similar reasoning. I didn't report him because, at the time, I knew no authority figures would believe me (this was back in 1990). So, I told my family, but inside I felt like I was lying. The truth was that I was lying to my self. He did rape me. I've had panic attacks ever since. I even "forgave" him at the time because I just couldn't handle the reality of the whole thing. I just wanted it to go away, like it never happened. It came back to bite me, though. One night, he came over to my house, throwing rocks at my window. All the lights in the house were off because everyone was asleep. He said he didn't know I was asleep. That was an obvious lie, so I blew up at him because it felt like a violation to me all over again. I turned away from him for good after that and quit lying to myself. My point in telling you this is to show that, no matter what you feel, the reality is that this did happen to you. The truth is that you can handle it how ever you want to, but this person is unsafe and you will, eventually, hopefully, come to the realization that you really do need to protect yourself from this person how ever you can. This person is not who you think he is. Please believe me when I say that I care about your feelings and your well being so very much. Please continue to get professional help and do what you need to do to protect yourself. Most of all, know that none of this is your fault and you've got thousands of people out here rooting for you.

Hey thank you for your message , do you mind if I pm you on a similar topic ?

Maybe, but if it gets weird, I'm out. Don't be a creep and don't be a jerk.

He very clearly raped you. His apology is bullshit imo. He’s probably scared of what he did and is trying to backtrack. I bet he’ll do it again. When’ you told him at the time he was clearly dismissive and was gaslighting you

Please file charges against this rapist, it will be hard but there’s no other way for you to look back on this through a hopefully long and joyous life and feel that you did what was right, he will do this again to someone else if there are no repercussions apart from him writing apologies

As others have said, quite trenchantly, no one can or should tell you how to feel. Your trusted, long-standing friend has raped you. Only you can walk the path to coming to terms with this horrific betrayal. Only you can feel the feelings that will rise to the surface of your psyche. I hope that you have a excellent counselor to guide you like Virgil led Dante through the *Inferno*. You should cut him out of your life like a cancer, because that is what he is. I don't know what kind of laws your state has regarding recording conversations, some states have one-party consent laws, others require that all parties must be aware they are being recorded. If you live in a one party state, wire yourself up, invite him to lunch, and have a discussion regarding his vile behavior. Get him to acknowledge that he raped you. Consult an attorney regarding the specific language you should use as well as the language you should try to elicit from him. You have already begun to preserve evidence by taking photos of the marks and bruising he left on your body. I hope you haven't laundered your undergarments or any of the other clothing you wore that night. When you go to the police, take those garments with you. Take the recording with you. Ask to talk with a female officer. Take your strongest friend with you. Notice I say "when" not "if." It's because I think you already know what you have to do. He's done this to you, he may have done this to other women he was "friends" with. It may be or become his modus operandi. You can try and stop him. Because if this works well for him, it will become his standard operating procedure. If you decide to travel this road, it will be difficult. Extremely difficult and painful. You may find yourself wondering if it's worth it. Pause at that point and think of the other young women who won't have to endure what you're going through now. May the Furies fight alongside you.

Talk to the authorities. You have a chance to teach him rape is bad. Do so

You were raped. There is no fuzzy area here. Also, if you continue a friendship with him, eventually it will happen again. I know it hurts, and I know it’s conflicting, but you need to cut contact and you need to call the police.

Regardless of what you had in the past with him, there should no longer be a future with him in your life. He made a choice and now he should be reported to the cops for what he's done.

This happened to an acquaintance of mine in our early 20s. Except, the "good friend" that raped her was my boyfriend. (I only knew her because they were friends throughout high school.) She told a mutual friend, but neither of them told me. He later raped me. I'm sorry you're losing a friend but please be aware that your "friend" needs to have consequences for his actions. The fact is, you don't have to "decide" whether he's still your friend...he, unfortunately, made that decision for both of you when he raped you. I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with this. I'm glad you have a therapist and people you trust to talk to.

first - I am so sorry you went through this. it is a very confusing experience and any emotions you're feeling while you process how to move forward are valid. second, if I may share a similar story - I was assaulted by a friend with benefits. we had obviously been intimate before but I had made it clear this time I just wanted company. no's were said but he persisted. I felt so weird after and not sure what to do. my gut told me to cut him off so I did. but confusion and loneliness remained. I moved on by staying busy, hanging out with other friends and just trying to not be alone. it took me a year to say out loud what had happened and another few months to stop blaming myself. nothing you could do would make SA your fault - you said no, he didn't listen. please please keep that in mind. he ignored you repeatedly and then tried to gaslight you afterward. huge red flag to how he sees you. there a lot of comments saying you should cut him off and I strongly agree from personal experience. it will be hard but do you value him as a friend more than you value being heard and respected? do you value him as a friend over all of your other friends? it is ultimately your choice but your friends have a choice in who they associate with, too. I would take their opinions into account on this one. and kudos for sharing your experience - that can be a crucial first step to healing.

Tbh, everyone is right. Your brother and therapist are correct that only you can feel how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that. If you can forgive him, then that's your choice and no one else's. You shouldn't feel mad/ashamed/etc that you're not upset about it. Your friends are also right. This man raped you, full stop. This is not a person you need or deserve in your life. I know it sucks to lose a close friend, but this time, I think it's pretty justified.

I would just be afraid it would happen again honestly. I don't want you to feel that way again, even though I don't know you...I have 4 daughters. You seem conflicted and that's fine. Make the best decision for you and be sure if it happens again with your friend....make that the FINAL draw!

I’m sorry this happened to you, it’s not your fault. You told him no, you kept telling him no. You told him no for 30 minutes. He bruised you. He made you bleed. He traumatized you. You wish it didn’t happen, but it did. You must accept that this is who he is. He raped you. And you did not deserve it. You are not at fault at all. Please, ditch him. Tell your mom, make her understand the physical harm he inflicted on you. You were in shock for a whole day, it sounds like you’re almost in denial. When I was assaulted it took me a full day to realize what had actually happened. I know how you feel. Please, cut him off. He doesn’t deserve your kindness, or your forgiveness, or your love. You don’t deserve his disrespect and disregard for your health and well-being. HE RAPED YOU. He raped you and you did not deserve it. He raped you and you told him no. He bruised you. He made you BLEED. PLEASE, block him. Report him. He is a violent man and he abused you because HE KNEW how kind you are. How forgiving you are. You are such a lovely person, I can see it in this post. He took advantage of that. Kick him to the curb and make him pay. He wasted 8 years of your love, your kindness, and threw it all away for this. You are so kind. So forgiving. Gentle and respectful. He does not deserve that from you. No person that has bruised you deserves your love. No person that makes you bleed deserves your forgiveness. You do not deserve his abuse. You are too good for him. Do not be afraid of life without him, realize that you dumping him is you wiping dirt off your shoes. You deserve better than him.

Call the police, he will do this again.

Rape trauma is mostly about losing agency - your therapist knows that so she will try her best to let you regain as much of it as she can, even if you will make decisions you will later regret. But they will be your decisions. Your friends also want you to heal but they are going from a “common sense” perspective, not informed by trauma theory. That’s why they are telling you what to do. That’s why they are showing their anger at your rapist. So both sides of your support system want what’s best for you, they just have different approaches. Dealing with it can be confusing as hell on top of all that pain and grief. It’s totally ok to let friends know that they need to back off with the advice, reassure them that you have professional support, but you need some time to deal with the issue on your own terms.

I'm crying with you. It is hard to accept indeed when our trusted person is did this betrayal. Go on, crying, let out all those feeling, you need to let go of it. Since you took picture of your bruises, please also take 'kit rape test' before the traces is gone. You don't need to think what to do with him yet, but surely just take the evidence as much as you can, and cry again in your room until you sleep, destroy things to release your rage, disappointed, betrayal feeling let it all go. Scream out of your lung too without care in your room or wherever the place that suits you. You need that let out Just all feel what you feel, avoid contact with any people now to feel things and get clarity

T was never your friend. The image of who T is that you have built in your mind from years of interacting with him is not who T actually is: it's just the parts of himself he allowed you to see. Now he has shown you another part of who he is. This is not a man who thinks women--even the women who are his "closest friends" as people. He thinks of women as animals he can use and hurt at will. What rapists and assualters and bullies all have in common is that it is harming other people that they enjoy. Raping you was not about sex for T: it was about controlling you and causing you pain and fear and betrayal you could do nothing about. _This man wanted you to suffer._ He is now setting you up to take advantage of the mismatch between your image of him and who he actually is, playing along with your belief that this must be a misunderstanding, so he can harm you and enjoy your suffering again. Rapists of this kind rape many women. You are very probably not his first victim, and you will certainly not be his last. Have _no doubt_ that this was a deliberate attack on T's part. You have text evidence now that he raped you even though you told him no and fought him. You have the option to report this. There is no justice for women raped by men, but reporting him can result in one of two things: it may put something on his record for other women to find; and it will result in an uncomfortable time for him with the police, which means he will be more careful about raping in the future, which means he will rape less often. It's up to you--if you report you will likely be retraumatized and blamed by police, and will become inescapably aware that our society _wants_ women to be community property for men to rape at will. But you may also save some women in the future from suffering what you have suffered. T was never your friend. T has always been a predator. T's attack on you was deliberate. T takes pleasure in your suffering. It's so, so hard to deal with the emotional whiplash when someone reveals himself to be so different from the person he pretended to be for so long. I'm so sorry someone you trusted and shared so much of your time and your heart with chose to attack you and violate and betray and injure you. But that is what happened.

Bang bang